#and wish can fail or leave the caster unable to cast it again

[jacqcrisis]

The post game idea I had for Ronan and Astarion is after a few years of adventuring and looking for a solution to vampirism, they get a proposition from a mutual high-level adventurer they've had dealings with before. She's a dragonborn warlock needing someone to moonlight as her husband on a trip back to Tymanther to make nice with her clan to get a hold of some relic or artifact or WHATEVER. DOESNT MATTER.

What matters is that she asks Astarion to be her 'husband' for the trip since her clan won't let her back into their home without one, hes overdramatic enough naturally to pass for a dragonborn, and since he doesnt know shit about the culture, he can be molded easier into passing for someone of a higher ranking clan than a lowborn weirdo like Ronan who would give the game away within ten minutes of opening his mouth. Astarion will be changed under True Polymorph for the time into a living dragonborn and, once she has her macguffin and they return to Fae'run, she'll use the same spell to change him into the living version of himself permanently. Simple as.

It takes some thinking for both Ronan and Astarion to come to a decision. The trip will be long, months to even a year, and all that time, they wont be making much of an income on top of being half a world away from home. Ronan isnt too keen on returning to his country of origin and Astarion certainly isnt too happy about having to spend so damn long as a lizard. There's a lot of debating, arguing, but this warlock is the only person that they can trust they've found capable and willing to cast the spell and the closest they've gotten to a solution to vampirism that seemingly has no downsides, so they agree.

Before the trip even starts, Astarion is changed in order to get him used to both living and a new body as they make the long trek to Tymanther. He takes to it as well as one would expect: doing just fine while also finding as many reasons to complain about it as he can. It's an adjustment getting used to just the sensation of his heart beating again, the general ebb and flow of biological processes, being warm all on his own, and the dysmorphia when he looks in the mirror to see a dragonborn instead of what he expects, but it's so much more comfortable and right in comparison to undeath.

Now, since Astarion needs to be her husband, one of the stipulations from the warlock is that he and Ronan are not together in any respect for the trip. Ronan is Astarion's bodyguard for this journey and anything closer than that could jeopardize the whole plot given they'll be surrounded by judging scrutinizing vultures looking for any cracks in the warlock's tale and an excuse to kick her to the curb and exile her from the macguffin she needs. Normally this wouldn't be an issue for Astarion, but there's a curious new problem that crops up when his heart is beating once more.

Love and attraction are very numb emotions when one's body is mostly dead. While he knows he loves Ronan mentally, it is not a physical feeling for him. Until he's breathing again and all of a sudden he's got butterflies in his gut when Ronan's around, he's warm when the cleric looks at him, sweating, flushed, shivering when there's a brush of a hand on him, and just thinking about speaking to him makes him smile like a moron despite himself.

Astarion can't stop looking at him. Can't stop wanting Ronan near him. Burning for him in a way he didn't before and its like he's falling in love both again and for the first time. And oh boy, does he hate that considering he can't do anything about it lest he lose his chance to get back to being himself.

That's the setup. Astarion's first taste of being not a vampire comes with being forced into a body that isn't his as he plays mental chess with a bunch of dragonborn to earn his living body back and while he's fighting with Love and Yearning in a physical sense for the first time. Theres a lot of politics, and weird magic mutants, and making googly eyes at each other over dinner, and eventually, Ronan and Astarion break and have a night together, fucking everything up. But then they get the macguffin anyways through their own means and escape and Astarion gets to be a real elf boy again.

Oh and Gale is there too. Because you gotta take your wizard on a walk every now and then to a fucked up displaced lizard continent or he'll start clawing at the walls and doing magical environmental terrorism.

[sockablock]

On Thursday, Sam broke all our hearts by having Nott ask Caleb, one day, to kill her and bring her back as a halfling. That way, she could finally be who she really is, and once again reunite with her family. But what I find absolutely fascinating about this, is that, in terms of game mechanics, she shouldn’t be asking Caleb for help—instead, she should ask Jester.

Here’s why, under the cut, because this shit gets long.

In terms of the actual story, it would make sense for Nott would turn to Caleb. She’s seen him do incredible magic from the start, and they have a very close relationship and understanding of one another. Moreover, she knows that he has to power to turn one substance into another, and recently, she’s watched him transform himself and others into various other beasts. And yes, way down the line, Caleb might end up using True Polymorph to turn her into a halfling for good. But what Nott described—being killed and being brought back in a new body—that isn’t a wizard spell. Even more, it’s not even something that Wish can normally accomplish.

It’s actually a 9th Level Cleric Spell—True Resurrection. 

It takes an hour to cast, 25,000 gold in diamonds, and it does the following:

You touch a creature that has been dead for no longer than 200 years and that died for any reason except old age. If the creature's soul is free and willing, the creature is restored to life with all its Hit Points. This spell closes all wounds, neutralizes any poison, cures all Diseases, and lifts any curses affecting the creature when it died. The spell replaces damaged or missing organs or limbs. The spell can even provide a new body if the original no longer exists, in which case you must speak the creature's name. The creature then appears in an unoccupied space you choose within 10 feet of you.

As you can see, this spell would eliminate the random-new-body effect of Reincarnate, and wouldn’t keep Nott as a goblin like how Revivify, Raise Dead, or even Resurrection would. It also couldn’t be dispelled, or dropped if Nott hits 0 hit points, as is possible with True Polymorph (depending on how you interpret the wording). Of course, there’s the possibility that Caleb would attempt to use Wish, but even for such a powerful spell, there’s no guarantee that it will succeed. Wish can only perfectly replicate a spell of 8th Level or lower. If you try something outside of that scope, well: 

State your wish to the DM as precisely as possible. The DM has great latitude in ruling what occurs in such an instance; the greater the wish, the greater the likelihood that something goes wrong. This spell might simply fail, the effect you desire might only be partly achieved, or you might suffer some unforeseen consequence as a result of how you worded the wish. 

Additionally, the stress of casting this spell to produce any effect other than duplicating another spell weakens you. [...] Your Strength drops to 3, if it isn't 3 or lower already, for 2d4 days. For each of those days that you spend resting and doing nothing more than light activity, your remaining recovery time decreases by 2 days. Finally, there is a 33% chance that you are unable to cast wish ever again if you suffer this stress.

Of course, I wouldn’t put it past Caleb to try the spell anyway. We’ve seen how much he loves and cherishes Nott (even if he won’t say it, goddammit) and if he finally reaches a place where he decides that bending reality isn’t for him, taking the chance that he’ll never be able to Wish again to help his friend is certainly something that might happen. Also, there’s the fact that, as I said earlier, True Polymorph interpreted the right way also could work. Or he could even wind up doing some homebrew, Cat’s Ire-style, to craft a spell that could transform Nott for good, into her original body, with no caveats or potential to be dispelled. That, after all, is the beauty and the point of wizardry! But, barring those options, maybe due to a lack of resources or time, True Resurrection could be Nott’s best bet. Then the gang would need 25k in diamonds (which Wish can do), and even more riskier than that, they’d need to kill her. They’d need to kill her in a way that leaves no trace, and then bet on the fact that when they invoke her, not as Nott the Brave, but as Veth Brenatto, that the body the spell creates will be that of the young halfling woman who drowned in a river so long ago. 

Of course, that’s an incredible risk. Moreover, it would require that the rest of the m9, maybe even Yeza, consent to such a process to complete the Resurrection’s ritual-part. And the caster, be it Jester or even Caduceus, would also have to agree. They would then be responsible for channeling the magic, for presiding over and completing the spell, for finally seeing it through. And, ultimately, if the Mighty Nein pursued this path instead, then it wouldn’t be Caleb  who’d bring Veth home.

Instead, he might end up serving a different purpose. True Resurrection requires that the goblin body no longer exist. That to bring back Veth, they’d need to destroy Nott, and leave no trace behind.

And you know what would be perfect for that?

Fire.

He could turn her to ash.

[bafflinghaze]

This is a work-in-progress that has been maturing for over half a year (and 13 chapters already), and yet still isn’t finished:

dracobakes.co.uk/about/

I am Draco Lucius Malfoy: baker, blogger, and all round great wizard. Here, you can find recipes mixing the best of muggle and magical cooking techniques to make the best food you have ever tasted, interspersed with hints of the life and times of the best wizard you may ever hope to know.

Apple and Custard Tarts

Posted on December 27th 20xx by Draco L. Malfoy

Yule was a decadent affair at Manoir Malfoi, and I have been utterly busy preparing and executing the perfect holiday affair. To my horror, I only found out on the day that my mother had invited guests to our celebrations—certain Gryffindorks who shan’t be named.

They arrived without any presents for moi, and completely disregarded the work and effort I and the Malfoi house-elves put into the decoration and the food! My mother has betrayed me, bringing the hoi polloi into the Manoir. A certain weasel even dared to say “This is a great apple pie—which house-elf made it?”

I AM NO HOUSE-ELF, YOU UTTER AND COMPLETE WEASELLY WEASEL!

Needless to say, their antics entirely captured my dear adorable cousin Edward’s attention, leaving myself to languish with my tiresome friends, who would not collude with me in my schemes to obtain Edward’s place of honour again.

Unfortunately life goes on, and in particular, the lives of those Gryffindorks go on (murder is unacceptable these days, dear reader). We can only hope for a better year. I was gifted a box of lovely golden apples—the only saving grace of Yule, really—and with the New Year now approaching, it’s time to think about that perfect bake to welcome it. (May the stars shine upon me.)

If you are a fan of apples—as any cultured person is (and if you are not, please say spatium revertar post-haste to remove yourself from my blog)—then you’ll love the following tarts. If you are unable to obtain golden apples harvested under the full moon, then it will be acceptable to acquire fresh apples from your local fruit market.

Apple and Custard Tarts

Makes 8 tarts, enough for one.

Ingredients

4 sheets of puff pastry (none of that mass produced crap) (recipe here)

8 teaspoons of almond meal

8 teaspoons of elf-made thick vanilla custard (a wizard can cheat when he wants)

2 medium golden apples harvested under the full moon and thinly sliced with a gold knife

50 grams of unsalted butter, melted

2 tablespoons of fine caster sugar

¼ teaspoon of ground cinnamon

apple sauce and double cream to serve

Method

Lay two pastry sheets on top of each other and press to make a single thick pastry sheet. Repeat with the remaining two pastry sheets. Using a duplicated 10cm round cutting spell, cut out eight pastry rounds and with a dampened duplicated 6.95cm round cutting spell, score but do not cut the centre of each pastry round. Place the pastry rounds in the air away from flammable surfaces.

Sprinkle a teaspoon of almond meal then a teaspoon of custard into the centre in a clockwise motion.

Combine the sliced apples, butter, sugar and cinnamon, and arrange in an aesthetically pleasing pattern on top of each pastry (if you must, you can follow my pattern).

Cast sealed heating charm on pastries at 220oC and allow to cook for 12-15 minutes until puffed up and golden brown.

Let to cool naturally. Eat them when they are still much too hot, served with cool apple sauce and cold double cream.

Remember, you did all the hard work in making it, so you get to eat it all.

Enjoy, and until next time,

Draco L. Malfoy.

Comments on “Apple and Custard Tarts”

Pansy P.: Right then, I’m never going to act as your beard ever again.

Draco L. Malfoy: Old history, my dear. You are the most ruthless person I know, but even you cannot stand up to the adorability of cousin Edward.

H. J. P.: God, Malfoy, his name is Teddy!

H. J. P.: Trying to get pity from your followers? What you failed to mention was that Teddy was stuck at your side all day yesterday when you tempted him with your bloody wolf gingerbread!

This comment has been deleted by Draco L. Malfoy.

Luna Love: Those apple and custard tarts sound so lovely and warm and delicious. I wish I could have had some…

Draco L. Malfoy: My sincere apologies, I shall send an owl delivery to you post-haste.

B. Zabini: Glad to see that I’m the saving grace of your Yule. Now about that favour…

This comment has been deleted by Draco L. Malfoy.

End notes: spatium revertar – back space

Actual recipe is from https://www.donnahay.com.au/recipes/special-occasions/new-years-eve/apple-and-custard-tarts

[lichlairs]

Checkout our new post over at https://lichlair.com/spell-archive-dimension-door-witcher-week

Spell Archive: Dimension Door (Witcher Week)

It is Tuesday and you know what that means! We have a brand-new addition to our Spell Archive, and since it’s Witcher Week, we thought we’d take a look at some of the spells that make casters the Witcherverse especial. Beware! Here be spoilers!

Dimension Door

4th Level Conjuration

Casting Time: 1 action

Range: 500 feet

Components: V

Duration: Instantaneous

Classes: Bard, Sorcerer, Warlock, Wizard

You teleport yourself from your current location to any other spot within range. You arrive at exactly the spot desired. It can be a place you can see, one you can visualize, or one you can describe by stating distance and direction, such as “200 feet straight downward” or “upward to the northwest at a 45-degree angle, 300 feet.”

You can bring along objects as long as their weight doesn’t exceed what you can carry. You can also bring one willing creature of your size or smaller who is carrying gear up to its carrying capacity. The creature must be within 5 feet of you when you cast this spell.

If you would arrive in a place already occupied by an object or a creature, you and any creature traveling with you each take 4d6 force damage, and the spell fails to teleport you.

Spell Talk

This is definitely one of the bread and butter spells of Dungeons and Dragons. Got a locked gate? Dimension Door. Trapped in a prison cell? Dimension Door. Have to get across an old rickety bridge while a Roper is attacking your friends? Dimension door.

Of course no one spell is perfect (ELDRITCH BLAST) and there are certainly a couple of downsides to this one like only being able to teleport one other willing creature and the limitation on size but, for a 4th level spell I think most people would agree it’s worth it.

While 500ft is plenty to get you out of a tough circumstance or give the caster a head start against classes and races with added movement speed, it’s not quite enough to truly abuse of the spell and still leaves plenty room for other choices like Teleportation and Misty Step.

Another point in favor of this spell is simply how easily available it is; if we count Trickery Clerics and Oath of Vengeance Paladins there’s only a couple of classes that are unable to access it altogether. Not to mention that only requiring a verbal component makes this spell that much better for our shield bearing or dual wielding friends who don’t have to drop their weapons to cast it.

Tips and Tricks

Look, as much as I know that it is the glue that holds this spell together and stops it from becoming extremely overpowered… I really wish I could use it to pick up random baddies and drop them from 500ft above, but alas. Here are some other ideas though:

Got a small size party member? Why not temporarily put them in the party’s Bag of Holding for a free ride through your Dimension Door? There’s absolutely nothing in the rules that can stop this, technically. Rules as written, your handy Bag of Holding contains enough oxygen in it for a single creature to live on for up to ten minutes. That’s more than enough to get through the Dimension Door.

So remember how I was just complaining about not being able to drop monsters from the sky? Well, technically you can as long as you successfully charm them into following you through. Alternatively, consider carrying a bunch of pebbles or sharp objects, opening a Dimension Door above your enemies, going through and just dumping a bucket of knives on the baddies. Just don’t forget to cast Feather Falling on yourself right after.

Reflavors

Aha! After multiple banners with the Witcher schools we finally get to the section where we get to discuss how all of this relates to the Witcher. Once again spoiler alert for those of you still watching the show.

While Geralt himself is obviously unable to open portals and whatnot, most Mages, especially those trained in Aretuza, openly wield this power in both the games and TV show. And although repeatedly opening portals seems to take a toll on Yennefer in the TV show, her video game counterpart can be seen using them for tasks as simple as reappearing on the other side of a ditch so she doesn’t have to dirty her dress.

Here are my arguments on why you should use a reflavored Dimension Door for this purpose rather than sticking to something else like Teleportation or Misty Step:

1- Misty Step is too short range and it doesn’t have quite the same flavor, although there’s nothing stopping you from using both spells to represent the same ability.

2-While Teleport compares a bit better when it comes to both the number of targets and range, it also takes a 7th level spell slot to do so, which means you won’t be able to do the cool thing Yennefer does in the show where she keeps opening new portals over and over again.

Ultimately, I think Dimension Door is one of the most popular and useful teleportation spells for a reason; compared to other spells that yield similar results, it is a pretty low cost- high pay, and the obvious choice to many. That said, if you’re looking to fully convey a similar effect to that of the Witcher series, it might be a good idea to pick up a couple of other teleportation spells to simulate the different levels of it.

Got any creative uses for Dimension Door? We would love to hear about them! And while you’re at it, why not check out our social media and make sure you’re following us there so that we can notify you about new articles? We post new content every day!

[origami-goblin]

Episode 17 - Truce or Snare

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Wednesday, September 13th, 2017

The tin-man, identified as Orik Vancaskerkin, dives into the fray with his enormous heavy steel shield and bastard sword. On the other side of the room, another woman sheds her invisibility and creates multiple mirror images of herself, forcing the party to fight on two fronts simultaneously. Apart from an early hit on Orik, the party finds limited success in dealing any significant damage to the pair.

When the woman sees the group presumably responsible for Tsuto's death, she demands to know who dealt the killing blow. Lyrie, as she was called, focuses her efforts on Krask after Silas gives her misinformation on the identity of the murderer. Niko, Richard, and Krask focus their efforts on the caster (Lyrie), while Fobias and Silas commit to damage control on the tank (Orik). One by one, the party dismantles the illusionary quadruplets surrounding Lyrie and bring her to the verge of death.

In an unexpected turn of events, Orik throws down his shield and sword, imploring the party to spare his life. He even goes so far to suggest that he would fight alongside the Sandpoint Three-And-A-Half against Nualia; his allegiance can be easily bought by the highest bidder. To drive his point home, Orik casts a handful of golden coins on the ground. As he does this, Lyrie is appalled and tells him to continue fighting against the intruders. Her appeal, however, is abruptly cut short as the party ends her life.

Negotiation ensues.

Eventually, an agreement is reached that Orik will provide information about Thistletop in return for his life, so that he might try his luck at mercenary work in Korvosa. Silas stands by him at the foot of the steps while the rest of the group shifts over to the far wall to begin their questioning.

Orik tells the party that the top level is primarily used by the goblins; they typically don't venture down from the stockade, as that is [sic] Warchief Ripnugget's domain. Also, the party FINALLY solves one of their first mysteries: the pantry had been locked up due to pickle theft. Go figure.

Although unable to divulge Nualia's precise location, Orik assumes that she must be on the next level down with her loyal, hellish hound. He had attended one of Nualia's 'sermons' in the past, but was creeped out to the point that he felt no need to head further underground if he didn't have to. So long as the coin kept flowing, he would perform his required duties as bodyguard. Orik gives directions to the stairwell leading down, and he also advises against venturing to the more natural section of the subterranean caverns, as it is inhabited by a pyramidal/octupus creature. He offers little else in terms of useful information. The most burning question remains unanswered: What exactly is Nualia trying to achieve down here?

Orik turns to leave but Silas blocks his way. Despite their arrangement, Silas refuses to let Orik pass without first defeating him in single combat. Seeing no other way out, Orik agrees and retrieves his sword and shield.

Things turn sour almost immediately for Silas, who critically fails his initial swing. Silas is struck badly. And again. And again. With a final staggered effort, he barely makes it past Orik's defenses and his blade finds flesh. But the force of the blow was too much for Silas, who falls unconscious alongside his foe. Niko immediately heals the party and the group quickly discusses what to do with Orik. The verdict? Leave him be for now, as it will take several hours for him to regain consciousness. They loot the heaping pile of corpses and unearth an incredible amount of magical items and wealth amongst the bodies.

Battered and bruised, the party wishes to confront Nualia and hastily continue towards the north. They pass through a small room covered in crude art depicting humans fighting goblins, but in the center of the wall is a cross-section of Thistletop housing a (presumably) thirty-foot tall goblin beneath it. Shuddering, the party continues onward.

Niko pockets a stack of research notes on ancient Thassilon, hoping to decipher them later (his current comprehension of Thassilonian is still in its infancy). Also, not to anyone's surprise, the party discovers the detailed raid plans for the attack on Sandpoint. They are getting warmer. And that's when Krask notices that a certain wall is angled in a very unusual way. After some additional investigation, he locates a handhold and throws open the door!

Can a defected mercenary really be trusted? Does a monstrous goblin lurk behind this door, waiting to bash in some PC skulls? Who’s going to take care of Lyrie’s cat?