#and yes i am down horrendous dont remind me

[revon-breaks-free]

no i'm not obsessed w loop what are you talking about (digital paints them in ms paint)

[copsecore]

My Thoughts About Hot Boi Summer ‘23:

CW/TW: i will be non-specifically AND specifically referencing at least semi-nsfw content so please dont read if that doesn’t fly with you in any way, please be responsible!

[PSA: THIS IS MY OWN OPINION OKAY - AND I MEAN NONE OF IT WITH ANY MALICE - TY]

DAVID:

Holy shit what the fuck this was Amazing (im referencing the poll on this post because erik did the results on stream, so yeah). David was in my top three picks for the poll and I was gutted that he didn’t seem to get very high - but i think that’s coz it was the first video, so maybe people had forgotten about it/it wasn’t as much in the forefront of the majority’s minds by the time the poll was released. Pretty much no negative thoughts.

VINCENT:

WE NEED MORE CUTE 7/11 DATES OKAY PLEASE ITS SO SWEET. Ofc the snack puns coming in Clutch ugh i loved those. My only issue (“issue”) was literally the same as why i wasn’t over the moon when sam was voted for the ba (sue me. i liked it anyway) and that was just that we had a vincent one a few months ago, and also a pretty pre-sexual vid after that. Also the fact that lovely literally grabbed his junk in semi-(hah, pun)public, but it’s the anti-PDA in me that disliked that part, so feel free to ignore it!

AVIOR:

Also in my top picks!!! I was a tad gutted when we didn’t get his. Saw a lot of posts begging for people to vote for it because yk him n starlight have been in literal Hell for years and therefore they deserve some smut time. Super cute vid, “A Romantic Night” is totally the right descriptor for it and also AYO WHIMPERY AVIOR??? YES. sorry ahem it’s the demons.

GAVIN:

It was so good. The premise of getting a more subby gavin? chef’s kiss, more please. everything about it was good and i WISH the ba had been how i expected it to go, but we aren’t here for my criticisms of That, so whatever. It links back to an old non-canon Huxley preview vid that was taken from us (RIP) when the channel lost loads of vids, or at least thats what it reminded me of, with the whole BBQ-and-somewhat-sexual-teasing aspect it was amazing and i would like to see more switch-esque gav in the future (*manifesting*)

LASKO:

Not too much to say considering I started this post as a way to lightly complain about the poll results, and Lasky wasn’t on the poll, obviously. Regardless, I’m glad this video went the way it did, I think we’ve seen a lot of lasko being quick to jump the proverbial gun in the last few years, with his non-canon vids, and hooking up with gavin, etc, so it was nice to see him break away from that and ask to move slower coz hell yeah dude, progress and growth!! and i think it shows how much he wants the relationship to be more natural, and not racing ahead, even if he does in part want that - it was sweet as hell.

ELLIOTT (ft. The Dragon):

I gotta say it right off the bat that i just found the video on the more boring end. *POLICE SIRENS BLARING IN THE BACKGROUND* AH FUCK-

I’m just not overly surprised that i think Eli got some of the lowest results on the poll, I enjoyed the video, and i liked it (this will be a recurring statement) but i just didn’t like it As Much. Lots of people (including me, ngl) wanted more of the dragon - but erik’s not about to do weird fantasy not-fully-bestiality-esque stuff guys - and i’m pretty sure I only liked it coz cmon it’s erik doing another hot voice, im gonna be down horrendous BUT NOT FOR AN ACTUAL DRAGON. i am Not donkey from Shrek. And yeah, i know Eli’s powers can be kinda limiting with what they can bring to the (pun not intended) sex-table, but does all of his spicy stuff have to be in a Dreamscape? idk.

ASHER:

My Second Favourite Hands Down. How people picked Sam over riding Ash in the front seat of a rental, i’ll never understand /lh the horn may make me jump every time, but it’s okay, there’s repentance in the tongue kissing, and i stand by that, it was the best bit (or one of the best bits), No Criticisms (except Ash please don’t have sex in a RENTAL. wait until you get to a bedroom at least PLEASE-)

GUY:

Again, i liked it but not as much. I love Guy, he’s one of my favourites, i can’t really say why i didn’t like this video as much as I normally would, maybe the concept just wasn’t rolling with me as well - the whole idea of post-concert seemed vaguely random, but you could argue that about all of these, so it doesn’t count. did anyone else see this or was it just me, coz if it is then i will quietly wave my flag of solidarity from my hole in the ground where nobody can see it.

ANTON:

I voted Anton. It was the sadness with the feelings and the horniness spicyness towards the end, ugh I loved it, Anton come home from war soon please (im terrified he might die because despite everything, nothing Death Related had happened in project meridian yet, and let’s face it, it’s gonna.) - it was nice seeing a different but also soothing take on the “your lover is leaving for an indefinite amount of time” thing, and how it changed in comparison to James’ video on it. Anton deserved the continuation okay. No aggression though.

SAM:

This is where I might get more argumentative because I was so disappointed that Sam won the poll, even though I love sammy. It seemed slightly out of character?? with everything we know about Sam, it just seems so unlikely that he would go to a club, let alone start getting, uh, “busy” n shit while at one. he’s not a big fan of PDA because of his past, in my opinion, and i think overall he’s very private, so the setting and stuff just seemed out of place, it would’ve made more sense for Milo’s or smth to be set there - but hell I can’t tell erik how to write his own characters lmao - and still, the ba was Great. with a capital G.

MILO:

I fell asleep listening to this the first couple of times, which says a lot already. The sensual massage trope has been used as a gateway to presumably spicy off-screen things before (Aaron’s HBW ‘21, Asher’s HBS ‘22) but idky it wasn’t hitting as well as it normally does, maybe it’s wearing thin on my brain. ofc it’s redacted content so i’m gonna eat it up like it’s ass (crude but true) but i listened to it through without falling asleep and was like “yeah it’s good, i like it, but also eh,,,” - like i mentioned, it would’ve made more sense to me if Milo’s and Sam’s were swapped around - anyone agree?

CONCLUSION:

as always, all the videos were really good, and despite whatever came across through this post, overall, i enjoyed all of them, so please don’t take this as a criticism towards erik or any of his work, trust me, i absolutely adore it - i say it every time, but every time it’s worth saying, and also please don’t cancel me. this was a really long post, so a lot of people probably won’t read it, so if you made it this far; well done! have a star 🌟- don’t be afraid to leave any agreements or disagreements in the notes, i love discussing stuff with people! thanks for reading

[iwishtobekind]

hi im in my richard siken obsessed gay era so here are some of my of his poetry that makes me cry!!

“ You said I could have anything I wanted, but I just couldn’t say it out loud. “

okay this one reminds me a lot of i bet on losing dogs from mitski and it just makes my heart breaks in a million pieces because i am so so so very lgbt and i still struggle to say my feelings out loud! thank you richard siken and mitski for destroying my life i love you guys

You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.

this one is so so very gay and it reminds me of the book “two boys kissing”. and it reminds me of the first love that most of lgbt people experience, i think it usually happens when we are in our starting teenage years, we start to feel such strange things for this beautiful person (that prob is one of your besties) and sometimes we just want to scream at the top of every roof of the city of our heart how much you love them, but its strange because !!oh no friends dont do that thats sus!!! then we feel like we discovered something disgusting about us. we feel horrible and unworthy of love, because thats what society taught us, feeling like this is horrendeous. then you just keep those feelings to yourself. but how can’t help but feel your heart skip a beat everytime that person touches you. so you just repress it forever and pretend it never existed! 

maybe im just projecting, but now i realize how much i have grown, like, oh my god, how could i ever thought that loving someone was wrong? how could someone convice me of that bulshit!

“A man takes his sadness down to the river and throws it in the river                     but then he’s still left with the river. A man takes his sadness and throws it away                                                                         but then he’s still left with his hands.”

reminds me of that philosophy dude (heraclitos, idk his name in english im sorry)

“If you love me, Henry, you don’t love me in a way I understand.”

made me rethink about all of my conception about love.

“He was pointing at the moon, but I was looking at his hand.”

did you guys ever just yearned for someone so much that everytime you are with them you just kept focusing on them because they are literally stunning shining just like the sun and you just don’t seem to care about the world, like, you could be in a street with the most beautiful and amazing people in the world but you just can’t take your eyes of this person in front of you that has the most pathetic sense of humor and a doubtful inteligence. BUT YOU JUST CANT CARE ABOUT THE REST!! because they are simply the most stunning thing in the world. 

yes, that’s how i feel when im with my favorite person. and i still don’t know if its platonic but its so so embarassing like oh my god what did i do to deserve this feelings for the most pathetic human being (love her sm)

That I would name the stars for you? That I would take you there? The splash of my tongue melting you like a sugar cube?

I JUST- IM AT MY FUCKING LIMIT RICHARD SIKEN THIS ONE DESTROYED ME BECAUSE OH MY WHO IN THIS EARTH WOULD NAME THE STARS FOR ME RICHARD SIKEN 

“Oh, the things we invent when we are scared and want to be rescued.”

reminds me of nobody from mitski<3

I take off my hands and I give them to you but you don’t want them, so I take them back

so true.

“You'd break your heart to make it bigger, so why not crack your skull when the mind swells.”

[theclowncowboy]

lol go ahead and clock me why don't you? but yes lol, your suspicions are correct, I am indeed not straight (bi in fact!)

I'm sorry your day has been long and tiring too :( homophobic, indeed. we should take this up with the council

I agree about layering! I'm all snuggled up in a blanket right now :)))

those are lovely flowers! I took a walk and picked some queen anne's lace today, which reminded me to ask. kinda basic but I'm a rose girl, peach colored roses are my favorite!

you may have answered this before, but what are some of your favorite movies from when you were a kid? like the ones that started to shape your taste to what it is today

i had a feeling! i think straight ppl on tumblr are lost or confused - in my humble opinion :p

nothin wrong w liking roses..theyre popular for a reason! i used to have a rose bush but i got rid of it when i got my cat cuz the thorns and she is stupid.

gooddd favorite movies as a kid? below the cut im probably gonna get real into this

beyond the ones i listed a few days ago in the tags of a random post (care bears return to camelot / alvin and the chimpunks / zoom / star wars revenge of the sith):

i grew up loving all of the winnie the poohs, specifically tiggers movie, and the heffalump movie as well (one for christmas one for halloween yk??) i dont know how much it has shaped my taste or my goals in film as a career but it does hold a really close place to my heart, and its always something i can throw on when i wanna yearn for my childhood years again lmao

meet the robinsons is another honorable mention, not sure how much it has shaped me but the comedy in that movie was great to me, and probably the first soundtrack i actively hunted down after watching it. little wonders by rob thomas u will always be famous to me!

igor and robots were movies that really nailed the importance of subtle comedy to me! like easy low hanging jokes they often were, they landed every time. so thats something i think is important to showcase, the ability to not drag the bit out but hit it and move on swiftly and with grace to the next joke

LOVED the movies over the hedge, dougal, the shaggy dog and hoodwinked. all horrendous movies but they made me happy so. i think thats also something we have to be able to accept as both creators and active enjoyers of art is that its not always gonna be great and thats ok, its ok to find solace in the shit that it is!

ill finish this rambling off with my ever growing love for Ratatouille. not only has this put so much love in my heart for voice acting and story telling but cooking as well. thats something my dad and i have always bonded over, and its the movie we start every fall season with. very excited for it to come this season. i think to ME that movie has so much love put into it, and it has transferred to me as a result.

sorry for the rambling, u ask a film major film questions ur opening that can of worms! ☮️🕊️✌️ & 🩵🫶 💟

[rosy-cheekx]

for the kiss prompts... 16 with jonmartin?

Combined this New Years Kiss prompt with @ombreblossom‘s prompt for “a giggly kiss" and an anon prompt: “I wish you would write a fic where martin scoops Jon into his arms and Jon realizes how strong he is” damn if i dont deliver

Just a good vibes fic while I’m dying over the pre-finals stress. Check on your friendly neighborhood psychology students, especially juniors. They’re a-struggling. 

Enjoy!!

Resolutions, 2.2k

CW: alcohol

--

“Happy New Year’s Eve!”

Jon wasn’t sure what he expected of Tim’s house. Maybe something haphazardly designed, with takeaway menus pinned to the fridge? Maybe the epitome of the bachelor pad?

He definitely hadn’t expected the open floorplan, spotlessly cleaned and well-organized, with furniture complementary to the walls and each other. Warm light spilled from every lamp, with purple and silver decorations inscribed with “2015” and “Happy New Years” dangling from almost every surface.

“You can close your mouth now, buddy,” Tim elbowed him lightly. “I keep my spaces clean, what can I say?”

Jon clamped his teeth back together and held out a bottle of white wine mechanically. “I brought this. Er, sorry I’m late.”

Tim shook his head jovially, taking Jon’s coat and scarf along with the wine, before handing the bottle back to him. “Party’s just getting started. We’ve been drinking a bit, playing some games.” He winked before nudging him toward the couches, where Sasha’s dark curls were just visible. “Go on, I’ll be right behind. They’ll be happy to see you!”

“Jon!” The man in question jumped and craned his neck to see Martin—or, more rightly, his hand—from over the edge of the couch cushions. “Good, you’re here! Sash and Tim are kicking my ass in Scrabble.”

Jon approached the living room, spying Martin, sitting on the floor in front of a coffee table, another bottle of white wine between him and Sasha, along with the aforementioned Scrabble board. “Scrabble isn’t a team sport?”

“Hey, Jon. Ooh, more wine, thank god, this one’s just gone.” Sasha scrunched her nose with her greeting, reaching for the bottle in his hands. “And no, it’s not,” she continued as she spun a corkscrew between her fingers. “But Tim is missing like half the tiles so we can’t play four.”

“Tim’n’Sash ganged up on me,” Martin mumbled, the edges of his words softened, Jon assumed, by wine. “I didn’t even—I’m new to research, issnot fair.”

Sasha pulled the cork from the wine as Tim leapt over the cushion of the suede couch, landing neatly next to her. “I told you, you would get Jon when he showed up, which evens it out anyways. Stop pouting.”

“Am not.”

Jon folded his legs beneath his hips as he sat, examining the board and taking a proffered glass from Sasha’s hands. “Don’t worry, Martin,” he offered, smiling gently at the man, taking in the flush of his face and the rolled sleeves of his dress shirt—maroon, he filed away. Looks good with his hair. “We’ve just got to last long enough before Tim gets drunk or bored and starts to throw letters at us. Did he tell you that’s why they’re missing?”

Martin laughed aloud and the noise caught Jon off guard. It was a low, warm sound, loud in a way that suited the man. Jon smiled to himself, proud.

“I do-I do not,” spluttered Tim, pointedly ignoring Sasha’s raised eyebrow. “…I stopped that when we were down to one W.”

Jon nudged Martin, gesturing for the block of letters in front of him. “You’ll see. Our turn?”

--

Eight rounds, three glasses of wine, and a dodge from the letter E later, Jon was feeling properly comfortable. They were all properly buzzed, if not a little tipsy, and the clock ticked steadily closer to midnight. Martin and Jon had continued to be partners for all the other games they played: Charades, Pictionary, and a silly game Sasha had made up where they had to describe concepts like colors or sounds, without using words directly related to them. Martin had carried their team for that game, explaining through an embarrassed blush that he liked to read a lot of poetry. Jon elected to ignore that statement, though he was grateful for the edge it gave them; his competitive streak was willing to ignore a multitude of sins.

At 11:15, Tim flipped through the television programs, searching for one doing a proper countdown. One of the BBC Music channels was playing a Countdown playlist, with an eclectic variety of music on the playlist if the presented queue was any indication. Remote in hand, Tim spun on his heel, lip-syncing voraciously to the song, some dreadfully cheesy rock ballad. In turn, he focused on Sasha, then Jon, then Martin, hand outstretched to each of them in a mockery of longing. When he turned his attention back to Sasha, the chorus swelled and she took his hand, swinging herself under his arm with a grin on her face. Jon settled into the couch cushions, a warmth running through his chest as he watched the two spin with each other in a pseudo-dance. Martin sipped his glass of water on the other end of the couch, seemingly as happy as Jon to just watch.

As the song ended, the rock ballad was replaced by a pop song, one Jon didn’t know but it was apparent everyone else did. Tim sang along in a horrendous shout-sing, and Sasha grabbed Martin’s hand, tugging on it lightly. Martin rolled his eyes, resisting briefly as Sasha wordlessly argued with him, but her will was stronger and he laughed softly as she pulled him to his feet and jumped around to the beat, air-guitaring in circles around him. Eventually, Martin closed his eyes and leant into the dance, reminding Jon vaguely of his club days with Georgie, the dozens of hot, sweaty young adults without a care in the world of who saw them dance. And, most importantly, dance badly. Martin was truly terrible, but Jon was unable to tear his gaze away. He wasn’t matching the tempo and he knew about half the words as he joined Tim in singing the chorus, but there was something about him that was absolutely intoxicating, more than the wine Jon had consumed.

The Beatles played next, and of course Jon knew them. They had been his grandmother’s favorite, and for good reason. He hadn’t even realized he was singing under his breath to Come Together until Tim’s TV remote was shoved under his lips unceremoniously. Without thinking, he accepted the faux-microphone and joined the trio, standing from the couch to the coffee table in socked feet. As he sang, voice growing in intensity, he swung his arms wide, the images of clubs and dancers and stages at the forefront of his mind.

When the song ended, Jon was breathless, and the smattered applause from his friends brought him out of his reverie. He blushed, suddenly acutely aware of the blood rushing through his body and the heart that was pumping it. he handed the remote to Tim and moved to step off the table, chewing on his lip as he did so. Before he could make the awkward step to the floor below, he yelped as he was suddenly swept off balance. The spinning of his mind, thanks to the alcohol, confused him briefly before he realized he hadn’t fallen and was actually being clutched in a pair of strong arms, bridal-style. Martin’s arms, to be precise. His brow was furrowed in concentration, though he held Jon like he weighed almost nothing.

“Ah, you said you didn’t want to fall.” Martin shrugged and bounced Jon in his arms slightly as if that explained everything.

He had? “Mmm-thank you Mar’n,” Jon murmured, eyes unsure where to land and deciding on a loose curl that hung over Martin’s forehead. He wanted to pull it, Jon realized, and he did so, gently, giving the coil a tug, and giggled to himself as it sprang back in place. Martin was a lot stronger than Jon gave him credit for, and warmer too, though that may have been the alcohol. It was nice, being held like that, and Jon felt himself nestle towards the heat of Martin’s barreled chest without thinking about it.

Tim and Sasha, to Jon’s relief, hadn’t seemed to notice, deep in conversation. Martin deposited Jon safely on the couch and slumped next to him, unbuttoning his collar a little more and turning his attention quite intently to his phone.

The music carried on, and Jon was pulled into a few more dances with Sasha and Tim but felt himself gravitating towards Martin as the hour pursued, making excuses to scoot closer on the couch. A few videos of kittens later, he was properly next to him, watching Tim and Sasha tango to Britney Spears and the clock that ticked steadily towards midnight.

As 11:50 hit, Tim lowered the volume and flopped next to Jon, sweat beading on his forehead. “Alright, mates, resolutions for 2015, go.” He popped a grape from the platter that rested on the chair nearby. “Mine’s to get outside more, I haven’t been able to get out of London much. Maybe go backpacking, see the world.”

Sasha shrugged and perched on the armrest of the couch, feet resting on the cushion next to Tim. “Patience, I think. Listening to people better.”

Jon surprised himself by speaking. “Work-life balance,” he mumbled, dragging his eyes from the coffee table to meet Tim’s curious expression. “It’s not like Elias cares much what the researchers do.”

“Hell yeah, mate!” Tim clapped him on the back. “Maybe you’ll finally come dancing with me. You’ve clearly got the skills.” He turned his attention to the final member of their party. “Marto? What about you?”

Martin shrugged, lips pursed in thought. “Mm, be more honest with people, I think.”

Tim nodded excitedly. “Oh yes, I would love to see Martin Blackwood, The Director’s Cut.”

The ginger shrugged. “I don’t think you’re missing much, honestly, just maybe a little more negativity, a little more feeling.”

“Regardless,” Tim waved the thought away. “Can’t wait to see it.” He cast his eyes to the ceiling and crossed his arms under his chest. “What do you think the illustrious Elias Bouchard does on holiday? I swear that man lives and breathes Magnus Institute.”

Sasha grinned. “Bet he wears nothing but a silk robe, with the Magnus owl embroidered on the chest, skulking around the house and drinking scotch, grumbling about budgets and paranormal stories.”

“Bet he has a cat he strokes menacingly while watching the stock market,” Martin added, sighing. “We can agree he’s a total Tory, right?”

“Oh, for sure,” came a chorus of affirmation.

The group sat in comfortable silence as an upbeat love song played on the television. Jon’s eyes were starting to feel heavy, like how they felt when he got them dilated at the optometrist. Midnight couldn’t come soon enough.

“Hey, guys?” The voice from his right was quiet, hesitant. Martin’s eyes were glassy, phone abandoned on his lap. “I’m really happy to be here, with you all.”

“Martin!” Sasha and Tim cooed happily, rushing to coat his words in affirmations and gentle kindness, sweet gifts with which to end the year. Jon opted for a quieter approach, not the verbally affectionate kind of man, placing a hand over Martin’s gently, squeezing his wrist once. He wasn’t even sure if Martin noticed it—he didn’t move his hand before Tim was shouting, hauling them up as 11:59 flashed on the screen and a countdown began to shout its way from 59 on the screen.

“Come on!” Tim crowed. “My mum always said you can’t stand still when midnight hits, or it’s bad luck. Something about starting the year moving.” Tim led them all in a sort of march, stomping forward and back, spinning in circles, and swinging each of his friends under his arms, though Martin had to duck rather considerably. All four of the research staff members were laughing through their words as they tried to add their discordant shouting to the last few numbers on the TV.

“Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!” Tim grabbed Sasha around her waist and dipped her low as he kissed her, both grinning into the kiss. Jon chuckled and shook his head at the pair, before feeling the hand that was still on his tug gently.

“I-I said I wanted to be more honest,” Martin murmured, voice low in his throat. Jon nodded wordlessly, indicating for him to go on. His words seemed caught somehow.

“If I’m honest,” Martin continued, eyes flitting over Jon’s face before landing back on his eyes. “I really want to kiss you.”

Jon giggled, actually giggled at Martin’s words, the boldness of the wine piloting his voice for a moment. “What are you waiting for?”

So Martin did, one hand on Jon’s waist and one tangled in the hair behind his ears, pressing Jon close and up towards his lips. It was a warm kiss, soft and gentle, and Jon’s head was spinning, not from the buzz or the dancing but from the four points of contact he had with MartinMartinMartin Blackwood is kissing me and Martin’s hand is on my waist and my hand is on Martin’s cheek and his skin is so soft I think I could kiss him forever. Screw 2015; I’ll come back for 2016 and just kiss Martin for a year—

Martin pulled away, smiling down at Jon with a look of utter adoration. “Happy New Year,” he breathed. “Here’s to 2015.”

“H-Happy New Year,” Jon returned, ducking his head shyly at the gaze Martin was casting on him. “Let’s hope it’s a good one.”

[pandastern]

Gravity (Bakugo x OC)

Part 4: Different Convictions (past)

Bakugou x Vigilante!OC

Warnings: angst, explicit language, violence

Word count: 2433

Genre: enemies to lovers ; angst ; romance

When a new student makes an entrance, Bakugou has a real bad feeling. There is something about this girl that just doesnt feel right. From the flaming hair to the calculating glint in her green eyes, everything about her just pisses him off.

Little does he know that his fate is intertwined with the person he despises so much, defining his future path in a way he would have never expected.

“Fuck…”

Artemis sat in the courtyard at the back of the school, her arms dipped into the cool water of the decorative fountain UA had built to make the space more… decorative.

The cool water soothed the growing ache in her body. Her arms and hands, in particular, hurt from the overuse of her quirk. Artemis sighed deeply. In her head, the fight played again and again. She had lost control. She had become so close to breaking the rules she had given herself. Disgust spread through her gut until she felt like she had to gag.

No, she couldn't let that happen ever again. 

“Artemis?” The low, rumbling voice of her homeroom teacher made her flinch.

“Mr Aizawa.” She sighed and shook her head, dunking her arms deeper into the cold water.

Aizawa narrowed his eyes at his new student. He could clearly see the burns on her skin. “So...are you just going to sit there, sulking like a child, or are you going to tell me what happened there?” he said, sighing deeply, his lazy drawl making his voice deeper. “If your arms are burned, you need to see Recovery Girl.”

“No, I'm fucking fine. I don’t need help, thank you very much. Leave me alone,” Artemis hissed through gritted teeth.

“Ah, I see,” Aizawa replied dryly. “It's practically normal to forcefully rip out a whole school’s water supply in mere seconds.”

Sitting down next to her, he crossed his arms and gave Artemis a stern look. Her eyes flickered up to him, a myriad of emotions passing through those green orbs. Suspicion, anger, fear… He had seen these kinds of eyes before.

“Miss Moon, I’m giving you one last chance to tell me. I won’t ask again.”

Her jaw clenched. Aizawa kept his unflinching eyes on her, studying every movement. Finally, she let out a ragged breath.

“Yeah well… I got angry. I lost control. Shit happens!” she growled, evading his gaze. “Are you going to expel me? Give me detention?”

Her last words sounded more like a challenge than anything else. So much defiance in such a small body.

“No. Here at UA, we dont expel students for accidents,” Aizawa responded. “The principal won’t be pleased and the school will be without water for a while, but what is the city’s tax money is for.”

With a sigh, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a can of iced coffee from one of his pouches, opening it casually and taking a sip.

“In any case, it wasn’t just a one way attack. Rest assured that Bakugou will be reprimanded for his reckless behavior, as well. Whether you like it or not, if you want to be a hero, you will have to learn how to work and rely on others, even If you don’t see eye-to-eye with them.”

“Eye-to-eye? Sure, that’ll happen.” Artemis scoffed and looked up at him. “Relying on others... Funny you should say that considering you prefer to work alone, Eraserhead.”

Ah. So she had done her research before coming to this place. 

“Regardless, I am able to work with my colleagues seamlessly should the need arise. A hero has to be able to do both. If you can’t, you die. Simple as that.”

Aizawa could clearly tell that this stubborn girl in front of him wouldn’t crack. Not now, anyway. He sensed that there was something lingering under the surface of those deep green eyes that were way too old to belong to a 15 year old girl. He sighed.

“In any case, I would prefer that an incident like this does not happen again. The paperwork is horrendous. Am I understood, Miss Moon?”

Artemis swallowed and nodded. Shadows passed through her eyes, as if she’d just evaded grave danger. “Yes, sir. Sorry… about the pipes.”

Aizawa nodded and got up with a groan. “All right. Get yourself cleaned up and go home. Tomorrow won’t be any easier.”

As he walked away, he couldn't help but shake his head. There was something so strange about this girl, but he couldn't put his finger on it yet. He would have to keep his eyes on her in the future. For now, though, he had to prepare the rescue training trip the school had planned for his class for tomorrow.

Artemis sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. The sensation of the shaved side of her head still felt so incredibly unfamiliar to her. After her fight with Bakugou, she’d tried to save what was left, but she’d ended up having to finally admit to herself that the only thing she could do was shave off the burnt hair and give herself an undercut. 

Class 1A was currently boarding a bus to an external training facility. The flame-haired girl watched as their class rep Iida ushered every single student into the vehicle with ridiculous hand gestures while continuously blowing into his coach whistle like a caricature of a flight attendant. Artemis couldn't help but roll her eyes. It wasn’t that Iida was a bad person - in fact, he was as straight cut as a hero could be - but the boy was so much of a stickler it was tiring. 

When it was her turn to board, she let herself fall into the seat next to Kaminari and Sero and stared out of the window. She’d managed to lose herself in thought, when the scent of burnt sugar and nitroglycerin suddenly flooded her senses. Great.

“Heh, nice hair cut,water hazard,” came the smug, taunting voice of Bakugou Katsuki.

A quiet groan escaped her lips and she looked up. Crimson eyes stared down at her in a silent challenge. Hadn’t he had enough already?

“Ah, what a glorious day for you to remind everyone what a giant piece of shit you are. Congratulations, boom boom boy,” she replied with the sweetest smile she could muster. “Don’t worry, we know! No need to prove yourself.”

If looks could kill, she would have been dead this instant.

A small smirk tugged at the corners of her lips. Artemis would have thought that getting almost shot in the face should have been enough to deter him from any further attempts to get a rise out of her. Seemed like she was wrong, though she’d be lying if she said she was disappointed.

“Tch. You little… I'm gonna kick your ass!” Bakugou spat.

“Oh, really?” Artemis chuckled. “That’s funny, considering that I wiped the fucking floor with your sorry ass yesterday.”

Ah, there it was. The blood vessel at Bakugou’s temple. Artemis couldn't help but smirk.

“You just got fucking lucky! Next time I’m gonna break you in half, trust me,” the ash blonde growled with gleaming eyes.

“Move along. No fighting on the bus. And hurry, we don’t have all day.” Aizawa’s voice cut through the tension before Artemis could retort.

As Mr Anger Issues walked along, grumbling something under his breath, Artemis rolled her eyes again. She really wasn’t in the mood for this today.

“God, I hope this guy gets diarrhoea for the rest of his goddamn life,” she muttered, directing her gaze towards the window again.

A snort next to her caught her attention. Kaminari gave her a mischievous wink and nudged her and Sero in a conspiring way

“You mean… explosive diarrhoea?” he snickered.

The image of that cracked Artemis up. “Well, as a quirk, it would suit him even better.”

“Ahem!” Aizawa’s warning voice cut them off.

“S-sorry, sir…” Kaminari muttered and scratched the back of his head.

Artemis sighed. There were a few things that she’d have liked to say, but she knew that Aizawa would be so quick to get on her back that it wasn’t worth it. At least at this moment.

“So, rescue training, huh?” Sero started in an attempt to change the subject. “I’m pretty sure they’re gonna divide us into teams again, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, I think so, too. Artemis, you haven’t been in our other training sessions. Are you excited?” Denki asked, giving her a flirty wink.

Artemis chuckled softly. “Well…” She considered how best to word her response. “I’m… curious to see how it’s gonna work. Teamwork is always a challenge. It depends on who you’re in a group with, and who you’re up against.”

“That's true. Personally I’d rather not get paired up with Bakugou or Todoroki,” Sero said with a sigh.

“Ungh, yes,” Denki chimed in. “Don’t get me wrong, they are super hard hitters. But Bakugou is, well, Bakugo, and Todoroki freezes your ass If you're not useful. Bet you I’m gonna end up with one of them.”

That made artemis perk up. “Freeze you? So, ice powers… That is interesting. If I were paired up with him, I could most likely use his quirk as ammunition,” she said more to herself than to the boys next to her.

“I wouldn’t press my luck if I were you. He’s… not a team player. If you're not up to his standard and deemed useless, he’s gonna consider you dead weight and take you out,” Sero said, scratching the back of his head.

“Well, I’m not good at many things, but I certainly ain’t useless in a fight,” Artemis scoffed. “Though I do share his sentiment. Someone who can’t pull their weight in a fight is a liability. Taking them out of the equation is the easiest way to ensure success.”

“Damn, that’s… kinda badass?” Denki said a little nervously. “I didn't pick you for a solo player…”

Artemis shifted in her seat so she could face the boys next to her better. She could clearly see the naive sentiment in their eyes. Usually, the wide-eyed believed that teamwork made the dream work and everything was gonna be all right with ‘friendship’. Not exactly something she could ever understand.

“It’s not badass, it’s common sense,” she said, crossing her arms. “I’m not dying just because someone can’t pull their own weight. The mere wish of wanting to help without the skill to do so does more harm than good. So, best to get out of the way and let those who actually don’t mind getting their hands dirty do the work. This isn’t a game. You either fight and win, or you die. And a dead soldier is a useless soldier. Simple as that.”

That she even had to spell that out to a group of people who were set on becoming the future heroes of tomorrow made her blood boil. The oh-so-familiar steel inside her soul stiffened her posture and she sighed.

“Heroes nowadays spouting about teamwork and ‘oh, happy friends, let’s work together to create a dream’ is utter nonsense, if you ask me. It’s too easy to forget that this isn’t a popularity game. It’s a job. A job that can cost lives if it isn’t done right. No-one gives a fuck about how popular you are if you can’t do your job. Teamwork is only sensible if it’s beneficial for every party involved. It has to be result-oriented. Teamwork just for the sake of teamwork is stupid.”

Artemis ran a hand through her hair and directed her gaze out of the window again.

“That’s why I prefer to work alone. I know my abilities and I know myself. It’s nothing personal.”

The sudden uncomfortable silence that spread around her was something Artemis had not expected. Had she said something wrong? Looking back at Kaminari and Sero, she frowned. Both of them stared at her with their mouths slightly agape.

“What?” Artemis asked, confused. “Why are you both looking at me like I kicked a puppy in the face?”

“Dude,” Kaminari began, clearing his throat. “That’s… kinda harsh? Is that how you work over there in Europe?”

“Yeah… I mean, we are classmates. We gotta stick together. Who can we rely on if not on our friends?” Sero asked.

Artemis sighed again. “That's exactly what I meant. Yes, we’re classmates, but what does that really mean? Teaming up should essentially be dependent on the skills of each party that can work together to accomplish a goal. Whether you’re classmates or not has no part in it. For educational purposes, it might make sense, but in the real world, teaming up just for convenience will most likely turn deadly.”

“Sounds to me like you’re either scared shitless and don’t trust anyone, or you think you’re better than everyone else and arrogant enough to believe no-one can match you,” Bakugou interjected with a nasty smirk from his seat down the bus.

Artemis’s eyes narrowed at the angry blonde. He wasn’t as thick-headed as she’d thought in the beginning. It seemed that he was not only an excellent fighter, but also very perceptive. A dangerous combination. 

“Big talk coming from you, Mr I’m-Better-Than-You,” Artemis purred, leaning forward and focusing her eyes on him like a predator on its prey. “You pretend to be hot shit every day, Katsuki Bakugou, but what can you do exactly? Be loud and do more damage than necessary? My guess is you're overcompensating because you know you ain’t shit.”

“Tch, as if. Don’t act like you know anything about me, you sorry excuse of a squirt gun,” he spat and turned away in his seat.

Something told Artemis that she had hit the target quite well.

The bus came to a halt, and the conversations of the class became louder as a big glass dome came into view. Aizawa rose from his seat.

“All right, class, quiet down. I’m not gonna say it again.” He crossed his arms. “The pro hero Thirteen is gonna wait for you inside. I am expecting you to be on your best behaviour. I will not tolerate any stupidity, or I will make you all train after class ‘till you drop. Is that clear?”

The students hummed in agreement and started to get off the bus.

Aizawa’s dark eyes fell on the newest addition to his class. What he’d overheard her say on the bus ride made him feel slightly uneasy. While she had made some sensible points, her apathy concerning teammates and the people around her was concerning. It was a dangerous, slippery path that could easily go in the wrong direction. He would have to have a conversation with her about that, but something told Aizawa he’d have to be smart about it. Artemis had so many walls up, she may as well have been a high security prison.

He wondered what kind of life this child had lived up to that point that could possibly have made her that way.

[groundramon]

Actually you know what, hot take because I was talking about MOGAI discourse earlier: discourse around media (such as “anti” behavior) can be just as harmful to kids as MOGAI labels.  Not in the same way of course, the only similarity they have is that they both come from a place of good intent.

To preface this before you read my first paragraph and go off on me: I am an anti.  I am a minor.  I have been an anti for years.  I’m talking from my experiences as well as things I’ve observed on this website.  Also, if you call yourself an anti-anti or think anti discourse is stupid or whatever, stop reading this right now because you’re not welcome here.  This is not arguing that anti mentality is bad - no, anti mentality should be the norm.  I’m just exploring the possibility that it can be toxic to kids to engage heavily in this topic.  It is not toxic for kids to be antis, especially if they don’t engage in discourse, and it is NOT the kid’s fault for being dragged into it.  It’s 100% the fault of all the weird adults and older teens who normalize this kind of shit.  I’m simply recording how older antis (which, I could consider myself one despite being a minor) can create a toxic environment for minors as well.

Okay? Alright.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I express myself and my views on media lately.  I won’t get into details of how that came about, and honestly if you think you know the reason you don’t actually know the full story because I’ve discussed this with multiple people now.  Some context: I’m not a naturally angry person.  I have a tendency to sound very angry while ranting about things in media, because I have a strong sense of justice, a passion for fictional media that I hate seeing botched like that, and I have a shitty way of wording things.  I’ve realized lately though, that what could’ve started as me overreacting about my annoyance from something (I honestly don’t remember at this point, because of how deeply ingrained this behavior has been into me) has turned into legitimate rage.

I don’t like being angry.  I feel very, very bad when I’m angry.  It’s honestly worse than the lowest lows of my depression for me.  Anger isn’t a common emotion for me and it makes me uncomfortable, especially because I feel like I could easily hurt someone while I’m worked up.  And I don’t like feeling like that.  Anger pretty much makes all my mental illnesses/disorders get worked up into a tizzy and makes me feel Bad.

There’s honestly not a single thing I go into not scanning for something to nitpick.  Normally it’s just a shitpost, because I’ve tried to streamline what I watch to the few things that don’t make me mad (namely kids cartoons) so there’s nothing to really get that worked up about.  But when I try to watch any anime, which I enjoy when im sad btw because absorbing myself in complex fictional worlds and continuous storylines is very therapeutic to me, hoo boy...

Do you see the problem?  There aren’t enough Steven Universes in the world to satisfy my crave for content while also avoiding anything that ticks me off.  Hell, at this point at Steven Universe I dont even know whats going on so I’m kind of just there for the ride, but at least it doesn’t do anything as horrendous as most of the anime I’ve seen.  I may be able to pick up some silly situational cartoons like We Bare Bears that are fine, but a lot of those don’t interest me too much - and go back to the peak of action cartoons and there’s a lot of equally questionable stuff to most PG13-rated anime nowadays.

What I’m doing right now, the way I’m processing media right now, is not a good thing.  Is it Horikoshi’s fault for creating Mineta that I feel this way?  Yes, 100%; I have a right to feel indignant about a sexual assaulter being promoted in such a way.  But can I do anything about Horikoshi creating Mineta?  No, no I cannot, except hopefully advocate in the future for the banishment of pedophilic undertones in media.  But right now?  I’m a kid.  I can’t even vote yet.  I could protest, but where?  Who would care?  I don’t have a car anyways, also I’d get heat stroke.  I can yell about it online but I’m not yelling about it to anyone who needs to hear it, I’m just reminding good people that shitty people Exist.

There’s nothing I can do, so for my sake, I need to try to calm down about it.  I need to stop myself when I start to get angry, not go on a rant - or go on a rant just to get it out of my system, but hopefully work to the point where I dont have to rant every time it happens.  I can just roll my eyes and move the fuck along.

But I see people, namely older antis (usually around my age or a little older?  Maybe college-aged), act like this stuff is good, act like this stuff is okay.  They tell 13 yr olds and 14 yr olds that this is how they should process media, that they need to deconstruct media every time they watch it to be aware of who they’re supporting.

Stop that.  I agree that awareness is good, but you’re going to make these kids self-destruct any time they try to enjoy something.  There’s a difference between acknowledging flaws and still enjoying something anyways, and the overanalyzing shit that Tumblr encourages.  And you’re putting this shit on KIDS!  Literal kids!  You’re acting like it’s kids’ responsibility to identify problematic stuff in media!  IT’S NOT!

Saying that it is is like saying I, personally, am responsible for global warming because we own a van and a hybrid car instead of two electric cars.  That’s not true; even if I became a forest creature I wouldn’t make a dent in global warming.  The people controlling it are the people at the top of the food chain - the rich.  Honestly living in california has taught me that poor people get fucked over at the expense of the rich; sure we’re democratic, but tell that to the people who cant water their lawns bc the water bill is too high because of a “drought” that’s been artificially created by poor resources and rich people in malibu or w/e over-watering their lawns.

Kids can be antis because it helps them protect themselves.  But for god’s sake, don’t act like kids have to analyze every piece of media they come across.  Nobody has to do that, it’s not healthy for anyone, but it’s ESPECIALLY not healthy for kids.  Don’t guilt trip them for not giving up BNHA because of Mineta.

Be fucking careful with your words; your intentions may be good, but your results may not be.

Once again “anti-anti”s/anyone who supports that kinda shit don’t interact, this post isn’t for you.  This post isn’t about how anti community is inherently toxic; it’s about how you created a potentially toxic counter-movement because of your even more toxic behavior.  You’re far worse than the people I’m talking about in this post.  You created them.  Also fuck you.

[peachyhyvck]

some of my favorite pics of mark lee

author's note: yes bitches, I'm back with another!! this one’s a tad bit different from the last, and its got almost double the amount of pictures,,, but I hope you still enjoy it, nonetheless! this pic set includes waayyy too many categories to list off so you're just gonna have to look through them and see for yourself! (’; sO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERe are,, my favorite pics of mark lee:

cute mark:

okay, but mark’s selfies are always so damn precious and they never fail to put a smile on my face

I LOOOVVEEEEE THIS PICTURE WITH ALL MY HEART!!!!! THE WAY HE GRADUALLY COVERS HIS FACE MAKES MY HEART MELT HOLY MOLY

everything about this picture is just perfect... his smile is so facking cute, and do you sEE THAT LIL DIMPLE???? ADORABLE.

I honestly don't know what the hell is going on in this picture, but his facial expression is so fucking cute that I'm squealing like a damn pig rn so,,,,

never mind -  E V E R Y  FACIAL EXPRESSION HE HAS IS JUST SO PRECIOUS AND I REALLY NEED TO FIND SOME NEW WORDS CAUSE IM JUST REPEATING MYSELF OVER AND OVER AGAIN AT THIS POINT!!!

I remember watching this for the first time and,, I kid you the fuck not,, I actually threw my phone across the room

wow..... I've never been sO soft!! for someone in my entire life.......

these might just be my 2 favorite pictures of mark lee....?? I mean, I say that about every picture, but these 2??? utterly flawless.

candid mark

I looovveee his damn hair so so sooo much in these last 4 pictures and if sm fucks with it in any way, shape, or form,,, you best watch the fuck out........ (lmaoo this was before sm went and fried his hair aGAIN but tbh I expected nothing less from them,,,)

he looks so smol and innocent in this picture and I'm barely keeping my shit together!!!!

he looks like a motherfucking prince in these photos!!!!!!! I mean, am I right or am I right ??!?!?!!?!%@$^&

idk man I just really love his smile and it truly brings happiness to my poor, dysfunctional, bitter soul

these pictures are THE definition of ethereal!!!!!!

I'm gonna take a moment to interrupt the ““cute”” theme I've got goin on to insert this (?) gem because idk what the fuck he’s doin but it really made me laugh so I thought I'd share

I think I just heaved the biggest content sigh in history because I just really, really love mark lee

disrespectful mark

idk who gave mark permission to be this blatantly rude but it sure as hell wasn't me!!!!

alright I'm really gonna need him to stop because I feel all shaken up and I'm Not okay with this at all

props to the camera person for holding their composure cause I sure as hell would’ve dropped Dead under such an intense gaze

“mark” and “tough” don't really fit together all that well, but looking at this picture I'm absolutely, 100% positive he could beat the living shit out of me

I HATE THIS PICTURE WITH EVERY DAMN OUNCE OF MY BEING!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF TORMENT AND CHAOS THIS FUCKING PHOTO PUTS ME THROUGH??!??!!?!? IT IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF DISRESPECT AND I DEMAND THAT IT BE PUNISHABLE BY AT LEAST 5 MORE YEARS IN NCT DREAM!!!!!!

dunno what he’s doin but veins really fuck ya girl up and his arm in this photo is really testing me,,,,,,

he looks so good???? but like,, too good?????? idk. I disapprove. NEXT

these polaroids are both a blessing and a curse and the fans who got these are honestly the luckiest bitches on earth cause damn y’all really snatched yourselves a couple of winners!!!!

no no non no on Ono nono. what do you think you’re doing. stop it right now and put the fucking jacket back on!! and no more tank tops..... my heart can't handle such things........

honestly, I don't even know anymore..... I'm literally speechless......... I just don't know how its humanly possible to look That FUCking gOOD!!!! everything about this picture is messin with my head and he’s reaalllllyyyyy startin to test a bitch,,

boyfriend mark

well, damn. he’s really out here just servin us these boyfriend looks, isn’t he???

tbh it might just be because his back and chest look so Broad in these photos, but I'm pickin up some major boyfriend-ish vibes!!!

awww boyfriend mark impatiently watching the clock tick by as he counts down the minutes until he gets to see your beautiful face ((((’:;;::;

oh damn,, boyfriend mark waiting to pick you up outside your job :^]

can you just imagine walking next to mark and looking up to find him staring at you like this I'd funking DIE!!!!!

boyfie mark carrying your backpack for you as the two of you walk home from school together (((((((’’:

boyfriend mark staring at you from afar while another guy shamelessly flirts with you ;o

tbh this is how boyf mark would look whenever the two of you get into a pretty heated argument... expect the silent treatment and some intense glares

“oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! I'm late for our date!! gotta run, gotta run, gotta ru-”

shopping with boyfriend mark!!!!! (peep dat arm doe,,,,)

yeah, yeah. I know it’s just a picture of his back - but like... just picture yourself walking up to that and giving him the warmest, tightest, most affectionate backhug you could......... cause same

boyfriend mark goin to pick ya ass up while trying not to draw too much attention to himself,,, shhhh!!

pre-debut mark

okay but mark was the cutest damn child, and like,, that's a fact

LOOK AT THE INNOCENCE IN HIS EYES!!!!!!!

I just wanna tuck him into bed and read him some bedtime stories )))’:::

k I think we can all agree that mark’s mirror selfies are LEGENDARY. NEVER LET THESE DIE. EVER.

why does his outfit remind me of something justin bieber circa 2012 would wear lmao

don't come at me but like,, why do these 2 pics remind me of seventeen’s vernon......... i mean im jus sayin........

this picture? is so? precious??? caN I JUST SWADDLE HIM PLEASE??????

oh look!! this must’ve been right around the time when sm stopped allowing mark to get even the slightest bit of rest!!!

he looks like such a lil man here dear lord

the many hairstyles/colors throughout mark’s career

starting off with the 7th sense debut, we have marks.... questionable.... black, choppy, bangs-cut-too-short hairstyle!! it truly is one for the books....

moving onto fire truck era, sm kinda dropped a bomb on us with the multi-colored hair. but as crazy as orange and purple hair sounds (and kinda looks) mark actually pulled it off pretty damn well???

buT THEN IN THE MIDDLE OF PROMOTIONS THEY DECIDED TO DYE HIS WHOLE HEAD PURPLE AND BLESS US ALL!! like, I have a hard time picturing mark with extremely bright and extravagant hair colors (like hyuck or chenle) but lemme tell ya mark looked so damn good with the purple holy shit sm brinG THAT BACK!!!

and then at the end of promotions (obvs prepping mark’s hair for dreams debut) they decided his scalp hadn’t been through enough, so they bleached it and made him blonde (((’::::

dreams debut!!!!! whoop whoop!!!! they dyed mark’s hair a rose gold tinted color and honestly?? he looked hella good???? idk what I was saying earlier about not being able to see mark pull off bright and extravagent colors cause my boy absolutely slayed orange, purple AND pink!!!

now we come across the holy period that was mark’s dirty blonde hair during chewing gum promotions,,,, let’s all just take a moment of silence because of how damn Good this look was..... the color and the haircut itself were so fucking nice and tbfh i have a special place in my heart for this look

whelp..... here comes limitless!!! the BOP of the century, but also the fucking disaster of the millennium that was marks perm........... sm did my boy so dirty with this one..... as if his hair hadn't been through enough torture, they go and do THIS? sickening.

NOW WE’RE BACK ON OUR GOOD STREAK!! after the perm settled down a bit they finally realized that they needed to make up for their horrendous mistake, SO they put a lil pink in the mix and BAM!! we got our lil cotton candy baby (^=

and then the pink started to fade )))’:: leaving him with cute little pink tinted curls!!!! (((’::

MFAL (what an era.....) if im being completely honest, mark’s mfal hair is my religion. it’s not nearrlllyyy as poofy and untamed as it was before, and the little blonde curls really worked for him rip...

not to mention when they straightened it and we got our royal prince lookin ass mark lee!!!!

head shot pop,, cherry bomb was another holy era for marks hair. it had been sooo long since we’d seen dark haired mark that it pretty much threw the whole fandom into a frenzy when it happened.

tbfh his we young hair took a little while to grow on me. i’ve always loved the longer, shaggier bangs on mark, and the short bangs were giving me war flashbacks to t7s era,,,, and the shaved sides were so!!! different that idk. it just took me a while to adjust...

but I would later come to Love his we young hair because it eventually grew into this fucking beauty - which is also my faVORITE DAMN HAIRSTYLE ON THIS BOY,, HOLY SHIT!!! HIS HAIR JUST LOOKS SO PERFECT AND I JUST WANNA RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH IT AND PLAY WITH IT AGGHHJJHBPWUEB

**sigh** but then sm went and did what they always do and fucked with something that was already perfect ///: I mean, although i am pretty distraught over the loss of quite possibly the best hair style of his career, he does look mighty fine with the honey blond color so its all good (((;;

anD THEN!! THEY LITERALLY BLEW ALL OF US OUT OF THE DAMN WATER WITH THE FUCKING BRIGHT, STOP SIGN, TICKLE ME ELMO LOOKIN ASS RED!!!!!!!! NAAaahhhh I'm just playin :”)) i’ve said it so many times already, but he really can pull off just about any color and i must say, the red is really workin for him,, uh huh, uh huh, yes sir!!

the lil duck face pout

idk why he Always does this but it’s fucking hilarious and it never fails to crack me tf up

cute stage persona

LOOK AT THAT BIG ASS SMILE!!!!!!! THIS IS THE KINDA SHIT I LOVE TO SEE!!!!!!!!!! HE JUST LOOKS SO FLUFFY!!!!!!!!

y’all, i dont even know. he’s in the middle of dancing but he just looks so cute and squishy!! i had to include it

again... I have no words other than his smile is fucking. flawless.

I SHOULD BE CRINGING (AND TBH I KINDA AM) BUT HE’S SO DAMN PRECIOUS THAT I DON’T EVEN CARE!!!!!

I can totally picture in my head the dorky lil dance move he did along with that face to whoever was taking the picture and honestly,, I can’t help but smile

WHY DOES HE DO THIS?? DOES HE WANT ME TO SUFFER??? CAUSE HE’S LITERALLY MAKING MY INSIDES TURN TO MUSH!!!!!!

I have no clue what the hell he’s doing, but i could care less!!! i’m just gonna go with it!!!!!!!

omfg he’s like that one nerdy friend who tries to act all cool but just ends up embarrassing himself ((and looking hella cute while doing so)) gaAAHHhHHH

rude stage persona

mark is always facking adorable!! but the few times he decides to act all rude, he makes sure to have absolutely zero fucking mercy on us, and its Not fair!!

don’t give me that face istg imma smack the shit outta ya!!!!

he’s literally just rapping but i feel highly offended and i would appreciate a sincere apology

mark is smiling 95% of the time, but the other 5% that he’s not, he’s making faces like these^^ and im real fuckin tired of the blatent disregard for my feelings!!

I don't approve! I don't approve at all!!!! the look on his face is throwin me off and I'm confused!!!!!!

BOIII THIS MIGHT BE THE RUDEST FUCKIN PICTURE I’VE EVER SEEN AND I SHIT YOU NOT MY DAMN STOMACH JUST DROPPED!!!!!!! MY ALREADY WEAKENED HEART CAN’T HANDLE THIS KINDA SHIT, MAN!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO GO LIE DOWN,,,,,

HE’S GOT NICER ABS AND NICER UNDERWEAR THAN I DO, GOD DAMN!!!!

THE FUCKING SLEEVES ARE ROLLED UP - ABORT MISSION! I REPEAT, ABORT THE FUCKING MISSION!!!!!!!!

mark + hats = A Look I'm here for

first up, we got them bucket hats!!!! if ya ask me, mark can pull off almost any hat, and he kinda looks adorable in the bucket hats (especially with his blond curly mops fallin out of em!!!!)

now onto the snapbacks! a very typical look, yet he still looks breathtaking ((’::::

and now we’ve got the floppy hats (?) and tbh he kinda looks adorable in them???

AND WE’RE AT BEANIES ALSO KNOWN AS MY FAVORITE FUCKING HEADWEAR ON MARK LEE!!!!!! BOY CAN PULL OFF A BEANIE BETTER THAN I’VE EVER SEEN ANYONE DO IT EVER!!!!!!!!!

and finally we've got..... whatever the fuck this thing is lmao kinda reminds me of a chef hat but my boy still looks hecka fly so its gucci!!!!

BONUS: MARK IN A HEADBAND!! HEY SM, PLEASE DO THIS LOOK AGAIN!!!!!

BONUS BONUS: THE HOLY LOOK THAT IS MARK WEARING A BANDANA!! HEY SM, MAYBE BRING BACK THIS LOOK AS WELL, K THNKS!!!!!!!

idk, but I need to rant about it !!

not only is ya girl emo as helllllll because he successfully graduated high school despite his fucking insane schedule, (yeah,, I'm lookin at you sm... fight me), but these grad pics are the definition of heavenly !!!!!!!!

this boy video took me for all that I'm worth.... he just looked so? fucking? good??? like I wanna know who the fuck he thinks he is just lookin all fine and shit,,,

y’alls..... i honestly didnt even know which category to stick this beauty under because i was honestly just?? blown the absolute fuck away??? with the perfection of not only this photo, but the boy in the photo, as well??????? like,, the dark, shaggy hair along with that lil smirk are really doin some fucked up shit to ya girl and i just dont know anything anymore (((’=

not much to say about this one.... I just think he looks hella adorable crouched down into a lil ball ((’:

maRK MOTHERFUCKIN LEE HIDING BEHIND RANDOM ASS OBJECTS WHENEVER HE GETS EMBARRASSED MIGHT JUST BE MY FAVORITE FUCKING THING IN THIS UNIVERSE!!! IT MAKES ME WANNA HUG HIM TO DEATH AND NEVER LET GO!!!!!

first of all: no

second of all: No

third of all: the hell you think you lookin at?

last of all: N O

(like for real, who gave you the right to look all grown and shit?? cause I'd like to have a few words with them......)

and last, but certainly not least, we've got this golden picture of mark dressed like a middle aged, white, suburban dad.... do with it what you will (((’:::::

**all pic creds go to their rightful owners

[nekoabi]

all 1-70

Right! Let’s go! (Anyone who is new, I usually put long asks like this under a cut so it doesn’t cover your dash... unless you’re on mobile... in which case... Sorry, I still love you!)

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?Yeah, I do, for the most part. They can frustrate me and get on my nerves, but overall, they’re great and support me in every way and I am so thankful for them

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?Not gonna lie to you, I have no idea... I said it to many people last night in a state of loopy, vaguely in pain, emotional weakness... I’m good now, dw

03: Do you regret anything?All the time, I regret opening up because I think people think I am looking for attention or something... In terms of stuff in my life, I do regret losing contact with some people...

04: Are you insecure?Heck ye. 

05: What is your relationship status?I’m single...

06: How do you want to die?Changes on the daily, but quickly and as painlessly as possible.

07: What did you last eat?Nutella sandwich *takes another bite* Fucking good...

08: Played any sports?I played a bit of football as a kid, until I got tripped down a hill... Ofc I played stuff like netball, handball, rounders etc. in PE classes, but never for my own enjoyment.

09: Do you bite your nails?Yup, even now that I paint them I do!

10: When was your last physical fight?Uhhh... years ago, confrontation and phsyical harm are scary things...

11: Do you like someone?Ehhh... kinda? I’m too emotionally fucked atm to be thinking about it, but I definitely have some crushes, yeh

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?On multiple occasions. My record is almost 4 days.

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?I hate a lot of people... mostly people that don’t know me...

14: Do you miss someone?All the time.

15: Have any pets?I wish! I want cats. All the cats.

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?Um... numb is probably the best way, I’m kinda not really feeling anything atm...

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?Nope. I’ve only made out like twice in my life... fuck i’m lonely...

18: Are you scared of spiders?YUP. LET’S NOT TALK ARACHNOPHOBIA PLZ K BYE.

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?To see how stuff was, yea. To change shit, nah fam.

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?In said person’s bedroom.

21: What are your plans for this weekend?Cry and try to get assignments done.

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?Not my own, but adopting, fuck ye. Idk how many tho, start with one. See how it goes.

23: Do you have piercings? How many?I don’t. I have a terrible pain threshold and I get super scared of almost anything new and unknown... but I want piercings because they’re so cool.

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?Surprisingly, Science... and Performing Arts... 

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?Oh hell yes.

26: What are you craving right now?A hug... and more chocolate *sadly eats sandwich*

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?I don’t think so... but maybe?

28: Have you ever been cheated on?Nope, but it was pretty close...

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?I don’t think so...

30: What’s irritating you right now?Myself. Why do I feel nothing atm? I want to be feeling something goddamnit!

31: Does somebody love you?I’d hope so! People say they do... but platonic. I don’t think anyone loves me any other way.

32: What is your favourite color?Black. Blood Red. Light Blue. Neon Pink. Deep Purple.

What? I am indecisive and can’t choose just one! Stop judging me.

33: Do you have trust issues?*laughs* yes.

34: Who/what was your last dream about?I.... have no idea.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?I mean, I told @not-so-innocent-bi-sander I was crying the other day when I was talking with her... does that count? If not, then my parents probably?

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?In some cases, yes... In others, fuck you no.

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?Forgive. I can’t forget stuff like that, for some reason...

38: Is this year the best year of your life?LOL NO. IT’S BEEN FUCKING HORRENDOUS LMAO! But it’s the best year in terms of making new friends... so that’s great

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?Uhhh... like end of Primary school/beginning of Middle school age? I can’t remember how old I was ffs.

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?Probably as a very small child. Once I developed actual thought and selfconciousness about my body, HAHAHAHAHAHA! You’re so funny!

51: Favourite food?Cliche, but either pizza or burgers.

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?When they happen to me, yes. When they happen to friends, fuck no they don’t deserve all the bad things!!!

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?Message people... I passed out while messaging last night, oopsie!

54: Is cheating ever okay?...Seriously? Is... is this a question?? I mean, on a spelling test, sure fuck it.

55: Are you mean?Probably. A little. 

56: How many people have you fist fought?Like 0.

57: Do you believe in true love?Idk... I did for a while, but that fucked me over hardcore...

58: Favourite weather?Chilly but not too cold, heavy rain and thunderstorms, seeing the lighting through the dark, having the wind be audible and heading towards the window. 

59: Do you like the snow?HELL YEAH! if i dont have anywhere to go...

60: Do you wanna get married?Yeah, if I have the right person.

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?Depends... Sometimes, the context is... *pukes*

62: What makes you happy?Friends. Kingdom Hearts news. Chocolate. Friends. 

63: Would you change your name?Nah, I like it

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?Yes... extremely. Because I really want to, but I know they don’t.

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?Uhhhh... Remind him that he’s gay af and that he’s basically my brother omg what the fuck?

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?Yup, and he is basically my brother.

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?@seventhdisaster

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?Either people in discord chat, or @authordreaming13

69: Do you believe in soulmates? I mean... I’d like to? But I feel its very... optimistic and unrealistic... but then I’m a lonely, cynical asshole so what do I know?

70: Is there anyone you would die for? Sure. Multiple. 

Well some of these got fucking deep and sad...

Thanks!

[monsterloveday]

Dating is just as enjoyable as explosive diarrhoea.

This will make you laugh. My pathetic failings will make you feel awesome. Man they are good stories to tell. There I was, the 26 year old Jay, feeling lame and inexperienced due to never having gone on a date and really wanting to try it out to ‘cross it off the list’... what a pile of wank. I’d tell her to stay home and eat, I’d tell her to spend that 50 or so quid and spend it on something more useful than trying to impress a guy who she most likely didn't give a crap about. And for the love of god DONT shave - DO NOT WASTE HOURS OF YOUR TIME JUST TO END IN NOT GETTING PORKED AND TO ITCH CONSTANTLY AND GET RASH FOR THE NEXT THREE DAYS.

Why do we do this to ourselves? - who thought meeting a stranger and feeling like you're in a job interview would actually go well? 

Actually maybe we should do it more like it were a job interview - it would certainly save time... *Girl* “Are you a dick?” *Boy* Yes, after I have learned that you wont just fuck me, i’ll piss off and move into the next fanny and will probably forget your whole existence, wait, whats your name again babe?” *Girl* - Thank you for applying, if you do not hear anything, it means you have not been successful”.... AAANDDD leaves. And then theres the trying on numerous outfits / buying brand new clothes to feel sexy and try them all on - with optional shoes and bags and sending all these options via Whatsapp to your mates and making sure you wear good make up but not too much make up, but make up that looks like make up but natural at the same time bla bla blaaaaaa. Surely someone has to earn the right to this shit? - not someone totally random who wont even buy me a drink?!. And whats more - with every date that is bad, you end up totally evaluating your whole love life and go into the major “Woeist MEEE! I am going to be alone forever’ WHERE IST THOU HUSBAND?!” and wanting to eat your body weight in ice cream until you somehow master the courage to do it all again with some other guy who is also “not the one”.  So we have, lets say his name was ‘Dave’. Dave was clearly very shy (my loud ass does NOT do shy guys). His inexperience was very clear, if there were a ten minute gap or so of me not replying to his texts, I’d receive a text from his relative telling me to hurry up and text him back. Oh lord. Why didn't I run for the hills at this point? He wouldn't make any decisions as to where we should go and wanted me to take the lead (urgh, my flange does shut very tightly), so I tell him he could take me anywhere as long as it was quiet so we could hear each other speak and that we could get some cocktails, (after our previous conversation of how much we liked them). His MUM drops him off to our meeting place - a nightclub. A nightclub where coincidentally his mates are. And the first thing he does is look at he prices of cocktails, states he's not getting any due to the expense. So he asks me what else I want, I tell him vodka and coke, he comes back moaning how expensive that was. Bet it wasn't as expensive as my taxis here and back to you love, but Im not being a little bitch about it!. I took turns in getting drinks (I usually do anyway) just to shut this one up.

Inevitably the conversation is pointless as we cant hear each other. (shock!) Knowing this was a failure, I drink enough and start talking of my bingo wings and how my arm fat needs to come off and wobble it in display. I tell him I'm going to get a taxi, so he goes to meet his mates (oh wow didn't see that coming!). To my surprise I still got texts from him the next day. Fail. Then theres Glenn, the guy who looked like a nice chunky bearded lumberjack online, who turned out to be the campiest guy who’s voice was higher than mine and probably weighed about 6 stone and turned out to be a proper hard core man hating feminist. He speaks of how he gets all his girlfriends massive dildos to avoid them cheating on him with actual human men. He is mouthy to a bar man he doesn't like for no reason and demands we go somewhere else.  When he eventually leaves for his train (after hinting and pleading he come back to mine - fucks sake) he asks me out right yet nervously “so um are we going to kiss now?”, I say no and that I don't kiss on first dates, which then leads to him pushing me into a dark corridor at the train station, pinning me against a wall and trying to force it on me - what a true feminist!. On my journey home I get a multitude of apologetic texts stating he acted like everything he hates. Wow. Fail. Another was with a teacher who also had the high pitched voice of a 6 year old girl and had made as much effort as you do for a duvet day - a crinkled T shirt with jeans that dragged on the floor with holes, I smell no cologne nor had his hair been touched. I feel like a right knob when Im dressed up wearing a very flattering top, perfume, hair and make up agonised over. We do a pub quiz in which he regularly “Sssshhhhes” me angrily and tells me Im getting too excited and that the other people will hear me saying the answers. He tells me he hates people who have a problem with his smoking, knowing he stated he is a non smoker on his profile. =| I watch him have a better time with his cigarette then with me. I last an hour and beg for my sisters boyfriend to come and save me. Fail. Hal was the best one. Hal slags off his date from the day before and informs me of his upcoming date for the following day =|. He buys a packet of crisps for us ‘to share’ and chomps on them without offering me one and then tips the packet into his mouth. After telling me previously he knows exactly where he's taking me, we walk around in Bristol with his sat nav, getting nowhere fast. He kindly likes to remind me of when its my round - usually as soon as he has finished his drink. (it may be ‘my round’ darling but its a hell no to you telling me so!) He tells me how he has been in prison for drug dealing and asks me what drugs I do. =| ( erm energy drinks with vodka?) After a few drinks I tell him I don't need another after his offerings, as I am getting tiddley, with this he comes back with come cheesy chips to help me ‘pace out’ - I think, wow he could redeem himself with buying me food! He asks me if I like hot sauce - I tell him no. He then pours hot sauce all over them but thinks this is ok because he also puts ketchup and mayonnaise on them (as these are the ones I state I like). He mixes them all onto one big gooey, disgusting concoction. He devours them like he has never been fed until he gets down to the last one. This one has  managed to escape the sauce, I tell him he can have it... Now, along with everything else Ive already mentioned, Id also like to mention that later on this guy had been drunkenly looking at my chest, telling me “I just want to have sex with you”, he tried to convince me not to take my last train home and to stay at his. But THIS is what takes the biscuit... He eats the last chip. THE LAST CHIP.  HE FUCKING EATS IT!? WHO DOES THAT?....WHO?!. This is when you know someone is truly a fucking asshole. Mega fail. Chris insisted we go on a date again and again and again. After weeks of convincing I give in, he says he will take me out to dinner - on the day of the date, he randomly goes quiet and nothing happens.  Oh ok then!. The next day he drives past me and texts me asking if I want a lift to work. Um no I fucking don't douche bag!. Fail. Kieran. My first actual good date. We even have a nice kiss (even though I dont usually do this but the moment was there) and he says he could actually stay up all night with me talking, that Im the only girl he doesn't just want to have sex with, that he is attracted to me but Im also like a mate to him - good things to say right? Wrong. After the second date (that I asked him to I may add), he tells me hes not used to girls not having sex with him and ditches. Needless to say this didn't give me a wide on. Fail. Now I know what your thinking, that Im a poor judge of character, that not all men are like this and I have been dating men who are clearly twats, some of this is true, but the whole point of dating is to get to know someone and the only way to find out if they are a dick is to go on a date with them, so some responsibility I shan't take! I havent dated for a few years now and Im not planning on trying again anytime soon, regardless of how horrendous they were, Im still actually glad that I have given dating a go and have indeed ‘ticked it off the list’. I do imagine that maybe someone out there in the universe has experienced a good date - who ever you are, where ever you are hiding - I salute you, to the rest of us poor bastards - we are brave souls.  Until I can be assed again, I will continue to date myself and not shave, stuff my face and not have to explain politely why I wont fuck a random stranger on a first date - call me old fashioned, but I do prefer the whole ‘Just talking to each other” thing and I do melt if a man acts like a gentleman. I love that shit! Romance is dead my friends, but so is dating!. Be back soon Jay Monster 

[foxstens]

it is time for me to write my rant about The Album

be warned, it’s probably not going to be very positive. i stayed up last night to listen to it, and i did write some things down, as a first impression kind of thing, but i think i’m gonna listen to the songs again, to see if my opinion changed at all overnight. lmao. last night i went into it wanting to like it, though realistically i expected to like around  1 song, if that, but....... sadly that did not happen. 

meet me in the hallway: listne the first time i heard it my brain fucking screamed bon iver at me, and i can’t believe i haven’t seen anyone mention that. like????????? even now it’s so????????? similar???? like the first part at least. except that i dont like this half as much as i like any bon iver song. hah. the chorus is weird. i don’t like the sort of echoing of his voice wtf??????? although the instrumental part is nice in general. i could like this, if the chorus was different. i do like the ‘gotta get better’ part. but i don’t like the way he sings it, if that makes sense. I FEEL LIKE THE CHORUS DOESNT FIT WITH THE REST OF THE SONG????????? and then the ending is just weird. but ok. i can get behind this. if i try really hard. yeah idk around 6/10???? don’t murder me pls

carolina: i disliked this from the moment i heard the first chords. this is sooooooo not my thing oh my gosh. i couldn’t even listen to it all the way through last night aaaah. it reminds me of something. idk what. but it’s not something i like. this song is horrendous i’m sorry, there isn’t anything i like about it. 1/10 oops. hope i don’t hear it ever again

two ghosts: this is the one song i was expecting to like, cause it was written three years ago and it’s supposed to be sad, but.... this is so not my thing. again, reminds me of something i don’t like very much. i think it reminds me of some 1d song? but it isn’t half as good eeeeeeh. i like it when he says ‘two ghosts standing bla bla bla’. and that’s about it. do not like the instrumental part. why is it like this. i so did not want to listen all the way last night. my god. am i supposed to feel something. 3/10 rip 

only angel: tf with the church sounds. THATS LITERAL CHURCH SOUNDS. this is a rockstar song or whatever. i do not know the music from the 70s. why is it so long. last night i was begging for it to end. lmao. could listen to if forced. if the chorus was different i would perhaps like it. but that’s not the case. i feel. the same way i feel towards ‘hey angel’. although i do like that song sometimes. but it generally just pisses me off. this, again, reminds me of something. idk what but i feel like i’ve heard it before. feels like smth i’d hear on the radio. 2/10 bye

kiwi: another rockstar song. THIS DOES NOT FEEL LIKE HARRY. FOR SOME REASON IT DOESN’T I’M??? yeah i hate the lyrics they piss me off. the beat is nice but... i would not listen to this under any circumstances. it’s annoying whooooops. nice instrumental part at the end tho. sorta. kinda. 2/10 eh

ever since new york: i was looking forward to this cause i loved the live version. but. dare i say it. it’s not that good.  the live version is better idk. i don’t like the chorus uuuuuuuugh. i love the version tho w t f. yeaaaaaaah nope. 4/10 i like the part at 3.00

woman: i was prepared to hate this. and i do. hah. LALALALALAL what the fuck is this. wHATS WITHTHE DUCK SOUNDS OHM  YGOD. LALALALALALAL. i hatee th e chorus. o h mgyod. fucking duck songs im?????? this is ridiculous. i hate this song. i hate everything about it. kill it. kill it with fire.. -1/10 i hope i never hear it again.

from the dining table: bon iver. is this harry. weird effects i guess. i like the guitar? annoying at parts. THIS IS STILL BON IVER. am i supposed to feel something. i like the violin. bUT WHY DOES HE DO THAT ‘MAYBE ONE DAY YOU’LL CALL MEEEEEEEE ’ feels a lot longer than it is. can’t wait to never listen to it again. 3/10

so yes. sweet creature is the only song on the entire album that i can listen to on repeat. the rest.......... eh. i mean it’s not like i expected to love it. cause i don’t like any of his influences and music from the 70s is my biggest enemy so. yeah. but the same thing happened with sott. everyone kept saying it’s a masterpiece and revolutionary and whatnot, but i don’t hear it? actually most of the songs feel like i’ve heard them before. maybe i just don’t like his voice in general idk. i still love harry and i will still support him, my opinion on the album does not reflect my opinion on him as a person, but. yeah. makes me feel like a fake fan cause i love pretty much everything from the other lads. although i do have a feeling that liam’s music is going to be my absolute favourite. :’D

[allhisdays]

4 January 2019

dear diary

the days have seemed longer lately. it feels like time has slowed down somehow. it’s a strange feeling, one hard to put into words. at the end of almost every day this week ive thought, “oh, it’s only [Tue...etc]”. like just now - i opened tumblr and thought i had missed a day or two at least but nope, right on track. it’s funny eh, i dont remember writing yesterday. 

ive been sleeping well, getting up a bit earlier and generally speaking feeling ok (no horrendous back pains). maybe that could simply be it. or, maybe i am feeling time more keenly because life is lonely? it doesn’t feel like it though, it feels “good”. hm. maybe i’m just relearning to be alone, without a “best friend” and “tomato” to confide into and feel okay about it.

some friends asked me today if i wanted to go to this new church plant with them tomorrow. i wouldve said yes but i plan on resting on my last official off day before getting back to work on monday. i dont want to exert myself both physically and mentally by meeting strangers i wont be seeing again and/or feel the stress and anxiety of being asked which church i attend (um, none technically?). ive been recovering so well from that bug’s comeback i dont want to jinx it! so tmr i get another lie-in and quiet day, i know i need it. also i still have plans to check out that other church next week and i’m excited about that - in fact, my friends asking me to go with them was an indirect reminder for me to put church back in the diary -yassss!! 

[tamisutcliffe-id]

Thoughts about a room

T - I had some thoughts about your comment on your feelings about your room.You really need that room and if it is giving you negative vibes now, possibly you need to change its demeanor, or as K would say, it's feng shui. Move the bed or all the furniture or find furniture from the other parts of the house to put in there that make you happy, change the sheets and bedspread, find new pillows, change the window treatment. Change the pictures, paint the walls. Put down a new scatter rug. Find a different scent--maybe lavender or rainwater, something out of doorsy. Let's go to World Market and look around. I need my room- I moved in there when I started treatments- B said he would but he can't stand the bed. He snores, is a light sleeper, comes to bed late and none of that would work. I fall asleep fast, but would wake up from the steroids or later just having to find different sleeping positions. I like my room. It's got my folk's double bed that my granddad make for my mom, the lights pretty good, Ba-Ba bear and Bunny-Bunny keep me company (sometimes Jud joins me at the end of the bed). The only thing I have to remember is to get my clothes ready for the morning the night before. I'm just sayin'- you don't need a negative space- so let's make it happy. Tell D we need to spend some money!!! 

 ================

My reliable book end: Yes, I came to that conclusion, too.  My room has been emptied of the bad karma, and it did take a complete strip-down. I had to take my favorite Van Gogh print and put it away in a closet. I laid staring up at it during the most horrendous months of my life and I could not look at it any more, after a certain point. D replaced it with a quiet little painting we bought in New Mexico, years ago in a happier time, of a sunrise on a field. I also threw away the comforter that sheltered me during that terrible time when I couldnt move. It was a lovely scarlet satin comforter that keep me warm and dry - but, again, just seeing it made me cry. You are absolutely right about the details.- I replaced the scent (with my perfume Sunflowers which I hadnt worn in 4 months) and found extremely soft red sheets with a new comforter, very light and soft and easy to make up, after the heavy weight of all that bedding over the long winter. New pillows, too, and we took down the drapes altogether and put in white cotton sheers. Even, now, after all of that, I prepare my room each night - by turning off all the lights except the small light in the en suite bath, and turning down the bedspread. Then I go out in the hot tub for 10 or 20 minutes, dry off slowly afterward, go upstairs and sink into sleep, without turning on any lights. I have been sleeping well for the past two months following that ritual, and it has made a difference. Dave was finally able to move back in with me, and that also made a huge difference. I missed sleeping with him, and I needed his literal body beside me to complete the circuit, as it were. His absence was part of my nightmare. Normalcy came when he returned. Of course, he is at the shop twice a week, so I have the entire house to myself, which makes it ALL "My room", and that is extremely relaxing, too. I get up when I get up. I go to sleep when I go to sleep. Quiet. Empty. So - I think my sleeping arrangements have been fixed, and my office has been a sanctuary, too: I was exiled from work for all those months and I needed to get back to it. I couldnt sit in a chair to work. It is  hard to describe how bad it was, not to be able to work. Since the middle of April, I can sit in a chair for several hours, so work has brought a release and a distraction which has helped tremendously. Thank you for thinking of me and keeping such a creative, positive flow of energy floating my way. Feng shui is a real thing and having a calm, empty place to clear your mind and rest your body is essential. Today is an especially hard day for me, since my Dad was alive one year ago today, - and then, was dead, on June 3. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on March 10 and died June 3, so I am still not actually quite done with grieving, for him and that part of my life. When my Mom was here, she also told me that my ex-husband, who was two years younger than me, died on January 19, the day after my surgery. She hadnt heard about it before her visit in April, and didnt know if she should tell me or not- but somehow found a way to deliver that news. We dont know how he died, but she saw his obituary in her Idaho paper. This has been a year of death for me, and I have not had much experience with such things. My old cat Rembrandt, my father, my old body, our friend Lynn Meyer and my ex-husband - quite an assortment of reminders that we mortal. And that life keeps going on. And that we are both resilient and full of pain. And that friends who understand all of this are precious. Especially those who show up in the dead of winter and hold your hands tightly and let life flow into you from them. I'll never forget you and K coming to see me on New Years Day, when I needed your energy so much. Thank you. Now - we should plan for the Triple Crown party next Saturday. Even if we just sit in my livingroom and watch beautiful  horses run down a track, we can still cheer and laugh and be triumphant. Right? Dr.T

[foursprout-blog]

9 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You’ve Been Abused By A Narcissist

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/9-things-people-dont-realize-youre-doing-because-youve-been-abused-by-a-narcissist/

9 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You’ve Been Abused By A Narcissist

Aaron Anderson

1. Constantly doubting your self-worth. Where once you were self-confident and assured, you are now in people-pleasing mode. Your friends and family notice that you are always on edge, doubting your strengths and experiences. You’re constantly explaining yourself, deflecting compliments or evading opportunities to shine. You obsess over whether you’re worthy, attractive, appealing or desirable enough. You begin to wonder if you’re the one who’s toxic and abusive when you start reacting to the abuse (after all, narcissists are prone to projecting their own behavior and calling us narcissists as a defense mechanism). You start to think that you must be the problem if you’re being treated in such a horrendous manner. This sort of self-blame is common after abuse, but it is one that is rooted in the effects of trauma, not reality.

2. Questioning your ability to make the right decisions or perceive reality correctly. Narcissists are masters of warping our reality and inviting us to play in their funhouse (more like torture chamber) of distortions, falsehoods, smoke and mirrors. When you’ve been gaslighted for so long into believing that what you’re experiencing isn’t real, you doubt whether you’re even perceiving your own reality correctly. You second-guess your decisions and feel a tremendous amount of conflict about doing what’s right for you versus what you’ve been conditioned to do for the narcissist. You develop a sense of cognitive dissonance (conflicting thoughts and feelings) about the toxic relationship as well as other major facets of your life.

3. Chasing after toxic people. The more toxicity a narcissistic partner brings into your life, the more likely you’ll gravitate towards people who subject you to similar trials. It’s because you’ve been subconsciously programmed to abusive behavior as a new normal. As a result, you might have a very distorted perception about what healthy behavior actually entails.

Instead of searching for healthier alternatives, those who have been abused by narcissists try to “search for a rescuer” but wind up encountering more people who are toxic. These experiences can compound the trauma you’ve experienced. It can mirror the self-sabotaging beliefs the narcissist has trained us to believe in. It perpetuates the vicious cycle. When we feel alone and abandoned, we’re less likely to know we deserve better.

4. Self-sabotaging. Narcissists program you to self-destruct. They subject you to cruel insults, harsh put-downs, subtle sabotage and taunt you with perceived flaws, manufactured insecurities and a hyperfocus on your shortcomings. By doing this, they commit covert murder with clean hands. You’re so taken aback by their attacks that you suffer from anxiety about your competence, your skill sets and even your God-given talents.

Why? Because the narcissist has convinced you that all your strengths are actually weaknesses. They do this on purpose to rob you of your sense of confidence and independence. Once you believe all the cruel things they say about you, you’ll start to sabotage yourself in the areas you naturally flourish in. When you catch yourself sabotaging yourself or engaging in negative self-talk, always ask yourself, “Do I really believe this about myself? Or is this what the narcissist wants me to believe?”

5. Being people-pleasing and perfectionistic. Every time the narcissist criticized you, they planted seeds of self-doubt which burgeoned into full-blown insecurities after the relationship ended. You did everything to please your abuser to gain their approval or even just a moment of peace from their crazymaking. So it’s no surprise that when the relationship has ended, the pattern of trying to please people remained. People-pleasing and perfectionism are survival mechanisms that developed early on so that you could try to ward off any form of violence (be it physical or emotional). So long as the abuser approved of you (even just temporarily), you felt in the clear.

The challenge in the aftermath is to become the observer of your perfectionistic tendencies as well as your habit of people-pleasing. Instead of judging these habits, mindfully observe your thoughts and feelings whenever you’re tempted to do something that is not authentic to who you really are.

Ask yourself, “Why am I really doing this? What do I think I have to gain?” Examine the root of each compulsion as it arises and find a healthier alternative that honors what you really want and what you desire. To start overcoming needless perfectionism, start to self-validate and approve of yourself. When you’ve done something well, give yourself some healthy praise instead of waiting for someone else to validate it for you. Habits can be hard to break, but new habits can form to replace destructive ones.

6. Withdrawing from others and isolating yourself. Abusers isolate you so you begin to isolate yourself as well. The narcissist is so charming and likeable that they are able to depict themselves as the sane ones while they provoke their victims into becoming unhinged. With a perceived lack of support from others, you start to feel as if you have no one there to help you. Your body, mind and spirit is reeling from the trauma and is trying to process it.

Although a period of hibernation is normal after abuse and sometimes much needed to begin the healing process, don’t isolate yourself from professional support or validating people who understand what you’re going through. Reach out to those who can help you, those who’ve been there and those who have a solid understanding of what narcissistic abuse feels like.

7. Falling into abuse amnesia. When the narcissist tells you they miss you, you’ll start to romanticize the relationship; when the narcissists shows good behavior, you’ll be tempted to fall into “abuse amnesia” as a coping strategy and rationalize that they were good, upstanding partners all along. You might fall prey to their “hoovering” attempts to get you back into the abusive relationship.

To counter abuse amnesia, it’s important to have a list of abusive incidents or at the very least, behaviors you experienced with this person. This will help you to reconnect to the reality of the abuse and keep you grounded in what you experienced. Confiding in a therapist and/or a trustworthy friend can also help to increase social accountability; when you find yourself rewriting the abuse, they’ll be there to help you get back on track and remind you of what you’re not missing out on.

8. Protecting your abuser. Being abused means that we become trauma-bonded to the abuser. This is very much like Stockholm Syndrome; we were taken emotionally “hostage” by this predator and we’ve learned how to protect them, defend them and cater to them in order to survive. That is why survivors often feel compelled to talk about how happy the relationship is, even when they are suffering behind closed doors.

That is also why survivors of narcissists may not come forward right away to friends and family members about the abuse; they fear that they are overreacting, too sensitive, or imagining things, just like the abuser has told them. Even after you break free of a narcissist, you might still be prone to protecting the abuser’s image at the risk of your own welfare.

This can manifest in many different ways, from the major to the minor. You might refuse to cooperate with law enforcement on revealing the details of abuse or become argumentative with loved ones who call out the abuse for what it is. You might refuse to get an order of protection even if the narcissist is stalking or harassing you, for fear of retaliation as well as a warped sense of loyalty you developed to the narcissist during the relationship.

When fighting the urge to protect the abuser, remember that the abuser never protected you. They never protected you from the pain they inflicted upon you or the consequences that came with it. Your only duty after leaving an abusive relationship is to protect yourself, first and foremost.

9. Having a porous sense of boundaries. One of the effects of being abused is that our boundaries become extremely malleable. We’re more compelled to say “yes” to things we desperately want to say “no” too. We’ve lost our sense of agency and control over our lives, so it takes time to rebuild our boundaries and reclaim our power. It helps to remember your basic human rights after you’ve been violated. These include the right to say no, the right to protest unfair behavior or mistreatment, and the right to feel angry and express it non-abusively. 

You can also create a list of emotional and physical boundaries you commit to honoring in the future with any relationship or friendship. These are customized to your needs can include boundaries like, “I don’t tolerate anyone lying to me” and “I don’t respond to threats or ultimatums.”

Take small steps to practice your new boundaries and follow through with them. When a toxic person tries to put you down, stand up for yourself in whatever way you can – even if it just means walking away from the interaction. Being assertive doesn’t always require a grand gesture – it just requires your willingness to prioritize your safety and wellbeing. When a friend tries to take advantage of you, start calling them out – even if it’s just in a polite but firm manner. Start asking yourself every day whether you’re doing something to please someone else or because you really want to do it.

It takes practice, but you will get there. No matter what you are struggling with now, you can reclaim your life and your power after being abused by a narcissist. In fact, you can thrive.

[foursprouthappiness-blog]

9 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You’ve Been Abused By A Narcissist

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/9-things-people-dont-realize-youre-doing-because-youve-been-abused-by-a-narcissist/

9 Things People Don’t Realize You’re Doing Because You’ve Been Abused By A Narcissist

Aaron Anderson

1. Constantly doubting your self-worth. Where once you were self-confident and assured, you are now in people-pleasing mode. Your friends and family notice that you are always on edge, doubting your strengths and experiences. You’re constantly explaining yourself, deflecting compliments or evading opportunities to shine. You obsess over whether you’re worthy, attractive, appealing or desirable enough. You begin to wonder if you’re the one who’s toxic and abusive when you start reacting to the abuse (after all, narcissists are prone to projecting their own behavior and calling us narcissists as a defense mechanism). You start to think that you must be the problem if you’re being treated in such a horrendous manner. This sort of self-blame is common after abuse, but it is one that is rooted in the effects of trauma, not reality.

2. Questioning your ability to make the right decisions or perceive reality correctly. Narcissists are masters of warping our reality and inviting us to play in their funhouse (more like torture chamber) of distortions, falsehoods, smoke and mirrors. When you’ve been gaslighted for so long into believing that what you’re experiencing isn’t real, you doubt whether you’re even perceiving your own reality correctly. You second-guess your decisions and feel a tremendous amount of conflict about doing what’s right for you versus what you’ve been conditioned to do for the narcissist. You develop a sense of cognitive dissonance (conflicting thoughts and feelings) about the toxic relationship as well as other major facets of your life.

3. Chasing after toxic people. The more toxicity a narcissistic partner brings into your life, the more likely you’ll gravitate towards people who subject you to similar trials. It’s because you’ve been subconsciously programmed to abusive behavior as a new normal. As a result, you might have a very distorted perception about what healthy behavior actually entails.

Instead of searching for healthier alternatives, those who have been abused by narcissists try to “search for a rescuer” but wind up encountering more people who are toxic. These experiences can compound the trauma you’ve experienced. It can mirror the self-sabotaging beliefs the narcissist has trained us to believe in. It perpetuates the vicious cycle. When we feel alone and abandoned, we’re less likely to know we deserve better.

4. Self-sabotaging. Narcissists program you to self-destruct. They subject you to cruel insults, harsh put-downs, subtle sabotage and taunt you with perceived flaws, manufactured insecurities and a hyperfocus on your shortcomings. By doing this, they commit covert murder with clean hands. You’re so taken aback by their attacks that you suffer from anxiety about your competence, your skill sets and even your God-given talents.

Why? Because the narcissist has convinced you that all your strengths are actually weaknesses. They do this on purpose to rob you of your sense of confidence and independence. Once you believe all the cruel things they say about you, you’ll start to sabotage yourself in the areas you naturally flourish in. When you catch yourself sabotaging yourself or engaging in negative self-talk, always ask yourself, “Do I really believe this about myself? Or is this what the narcissist wants me to believe?”

5. Being people-pleasing and perfectionistic. Every time the narcissist criticized you, they planted seeds of self-doubt which burgeoned into full-blown insecurities after the relationship ended. You did everything to please your abuser to gain their approval or even just a moment of peace from their crazymaking. So it’s no surprise that when the relationship has ended, the pattern of trying to please people remained. People-pleasing and perfectionism are survival mechanisms that developed early on so that you could try to ward off any form of violence (be it physical or emotional). So long as the abuser approved of you (even just temporarily), you felt in the clear.

The challenge in the aftermath is to become the observer of your perfectionistic tendencies as well as your habit of people-pleasing. Instead of judging these habits, mindfully observe your thoughts and feelings whenever you’re tempted to do something that is not authentic to who you really are.

Ask yourself, “Why am I really doing this? What do I think I have to gain?” Examine the root of each compulsion as it arises and find a healthier alternative that honors what you really want and what you desire. To start overcoming needless perfectionism, start to self-validate and approve of yourself. When you’ve done something well, give yourself some healthy praise instead of waiting for someone else to validate it for you. Habits can be hard to break, but new habits can form to replace destructive ones.

6. Withdrawing from others and isolating yourself. Abusers isolate you so you begin to isolate yourself as well. The narcissist is so charming and likeable that they are able to depict themselves as the sane ones while they provoke their victims into becoming unhinged. With a perceived lack of support from others, you start to feel as if you have no one there to help you. Your body, mind and spirit is reeling from the trauma and is trying to process it.

Although a period of hibernation is normal after abuse and sometimes much needed to begin the healing process, don’t isolate yourself from professional support or validating people who understand what you’re going through. Reach out to those who can help you, those who’ve been there and those who have a solid understanding of what narcissistic abuse feels like.

7. Falling into abuse amnesia. When the narcissist tells you they miss you, you’ll start to romanticize the relationship; when the narcissists shows good behavior, you’ll be tempted to fall into “abuse amnesia” as a coping strategy and rationalize that they were good, upstanding partners all along. You might fall prey to their “hoovering” attempts to get you back into the abusive relationship.

To counter abuse amnesia, it’s important to have a list of abusive incidents or at the very least, behaviors you experienced with this person. This will help you to reconnect to the reality of the abuse and keep you grounded in what you experienced. Confiding in a therapist and/or a trustworthy friend can also help to increase social accountability; when you find yourself rewriting the abuse, they’ll be there to help you get back on track and remind you of what you’re not missing out on.

8. Protecting your abuser. Being abused means that we become trauma-bonded to the abuser. This is very much like Stockholm Syndrome; we were taken emotionally “hostage” by this predator and we’ve learned how to protect them, defend them and cater to them in order to survive. That is why survivors often feel compelled to talk about how happy the relationship is, even when they are suffering behind closed doors.

That is also why survivors of narcissists may not come forward right away to friends and family members about the abuse; they fear that they are overreacting, too sensitive, or imagining things, just like the abuser has told them. Even after you break free of a narcissist, you might still be prone to protecting the abuser’s image at the risk of your own welfare.

This can manifest in many different ways, from the major to the minor. You might refuse to cooperate with law enforcement on revealing the details of abuse or become argumentative with loved ones who call out the abuse for what it is. You might refuse to get an order of protection even if the narcissist is stalking or harassing you, for fear of retaliation as well as a warped sense of loyalty you developed to the narcissist during the relationship.

When fighting the urge to protect the abuser, remember that the abuser never protected you. They never protected you from the pain they inflicted upon you or the consequences that came with it. Your only duty after leaving an abusive relationship is to protect yourself, first and foremost.

9. Having a porous sense of boundaries. One of the effects of being abused is that our boundaries become extremely malleable. We’re more compelled to say “yes” to things we desperately want to say “no” too. We’ve lost our sense of agency and control over our lives, so it takes time to rebuild our boundaries and reclaim our power. It helps to remember your basic human rights after you’ve been violated. These include the right to say no, the right to protest unfair behavior or mistreatment, and the right to feel angry and express it non-abusively. 

You can also create a list of emotional and physical boundaries you commit to honoring in the future with any relationship or friendship. These are customized to your needs can include boundaries like, “I don’t tolerate anyone lying to me” and “I don’t respond to threats or ultimatums.”

Take small steps to practice your new boundaries and follow through with them. When a toxic person tries to put you down, stand up for yourself in whatever way you can – even if it just means walking away from the interaction. Being assertive doesn’t always require a grand gesture – it just requires your willingness to prioritize your safety and wellbeing. When a friend tries to take advantage of you, start calling them out – even if it’s just in a polite but firm manner. Start asking yourself every day whether you’re doing something to please someone else or because you really want to do it.

It takes practice, but you will get there. No matter what you are struggling with now, you can reclaim your life and your power after being abused by a narcissist. In fact, you can thrive.