#anon knows how to hurt me

[perhaps-in-anotherdream]

[CN] Li Zeyan’s Reliance Date (Eng Translation)

⌚Warning⌚ This post contains detailed spoilers for a date, 依靠之约, that is yet to be released on the global server! ♡

⚠️ Additional Warning ⚠️ while the entire date is not spice-themed, but the steamy parts are borderline dangerous and highly not recommended if you don’t qualify for the 17+ age rating (CN server). so, the call is yours~ :>

•─────⋅◍♡◍⋅─────•

【Chapter 1】 

MC: [on the call] …We need to find some local media outlets that we can potentially partner with for our ad campaign ASAP.

MC: [on the call]  Also, email me a copy of the revised design proposal for the main exhibit booth.

As soon as I hang up the phone, a flurry of work notifications causes my phone to vibrate again. I roll over on the soft couch and can’t help but heave a sigh.

MC: Sigh…

[MC’s Company Name] has undertaken several major projects this year, and all of them have been executed very successfully. The company’s reputation is also gradually expanding beyond Loveland City.

Last month, our company bid for a large-scale project in collaboration with Copenhagen City Council and Loveland City, and I worked overtime for over a month for this.

However, just as we were about to secure the project smoothly, we were maliciously intercepted by the competing company Shuanjian Media. In the end, it was due to LFG stepping in that we were able to resolve the situation with a narrow escape.

Even though the project has been secured, a lingering sense of defeat from being backstabbed and making critical errors remains with me, refusing to dissipate from my mind.

Perhaps because of this, I’ve recently spent the majority of my time being on top of all kinds of tedious work, afraid that if I don’t handle them in time, it will lead to further consequences.

The sound of steady footsteps gradually draws near, and I turn my head to see Li Zeyan walking towards me. He places a cup of hot Longan tea on the coffee table next to me.

LZY: This is already the eighth time a certain someone has sighed tonight. What’s so thorny about the project that got you on edge?

I put my phone down and, somewhat coquettishly, open my arms toward the person in front of me.

MC: We’re planning an exhibition for the project in Copenhagen. Just finalized the venue today and now ironing out the details.

He readily responds to my cue and enfolds me in his arms. His fingers trace their way up my neck, massaging the skin there in a soothing manner.

LZY: If I remember correctly, the preparation period for this exhibition is quite long, and there’s no need for your recent overtime to catch up on the schedule.

MC: You’re right, but the coordination needed for various aspects of a multinational project is quite intricate. Starting earlier allows more elbow room…

MC: Plus, the reason I’ve been working overtime isn’t just for this project. The business interview you’re starring in will also be recorded tomorrow.

MC: It’s the final episode of the year, so I cannot afford any slip-ups!

LZY: You’ve already confirmed the program sequence with me three times today. What could possibly go wrong?

While speaking, Li Zeyan sits down next to me and draws me into his arms.

MC: After all, the external press would absolutely kill to have their names in the show where the CEO Li of LFG is making an appearance. So, I definitely need to be 200% cautious.

Nestled in his embrace, breathing in his familiar scent, I make a conscious effort to relax my somewhat tired brain.

LZY: If you encounter any difficulties, reach out to me at any time.

MC: I’m facing difficulties right now, and I’m in urgent need of CEO Li’s encouragement!

I pucker my lips and lift my head to approach him. The corners of Li Zeyan’s lips curl up slightly, and he lowers his head–– a soft, warm touch descends before leaving just as quickly.

Though fleeting, the tenderness of the moment washes over my heart. I nuzzle his chin with the tip of my nose, feeling perfectly content.

LZY: [chuckles indulgently] Dummy, you’re so easily satisfied.

MC: Why wouldn’t I be? What could be more soothing than a kiss from CEO Li?

MC: As for work matters… CEO Li has already helped me a lot, so I’ll work hard and handle the rest on my own!

LZY: We’ll talk about the “working hard” part later. But if you keep dawdling like this, the bathtub is gonna need a refill of hot water.

MC: Hehe, right now, you should say something like, “Honey, it’s bath time~”

LZY: …

Ignoring the speechless look in his eyes, I lazily shift my position and nuzzle his neck, then stand up with a smile.

MC: Would you like to join me for some relaxation time?

I notice that his fingertips seem to tense up for a moment. Before he can really come and “arrest” me, I make a face at him and dash into the bathroom.

—

•─────⋅◍♡◍⋅─────•

—

【Chapter 2】

Soaking in the warm bath, I feel the fatigue in my body dissolving into the water.

Just as I’m about to use my phone to find a drama to watch and completely clear my mind, work messages begin popping up one after another on the screen, and I subconsciously click on them.

MC: [to herself] So, the collaboration partner we agreed on before has backed out…?

As part of our tourism project with Denmark, we are planning to establish recreational and promotional zones in both cities, and we have found an experienced collaborator in the relevant field to partner with.

MC: [to herself] Everything was already talked through and all set, so why are they bringing up issues with the company’s capital chain at this critical juncture?

I feel my insides somewhat burning with rage, so I give Anna a call. She also sounds just as angry and swiftly catches me up to speed on the situation.

Anna: [on the call] I did some digging, and it turns out one of the shareholders of this company has a very close personal relationship with the owner of Shuangjian Media.

MC: [on the call] Shuangjian Media?

Isn’t that the black-hearted company that tried to sabotage our tourism project?

Anna: [on the call] We initially partnered with them because of their experience in cross-border tourism projects, but now wrangling with them is more cumbersome than it’s worth. I think it might be better to take this opportunity to switch to another company.

MC: [on the call] …let me think about it.

I release a sigh and hang up the phone, then bury my face in the water, blowing bubbles as a mild head throbbing creeps over me.

The perfect company… As I ponder on this matter, a face flashes through my mind.

As a matter of fact, I have casually mentioned this project to Li Zeyan before, but he didn’t show much interest in it.

Should I… go ask him?

Even though I know in my heart–– LFG is the ideal choice that can’t go wrong, for some reason, I can’t seem to bring myself to voice my thoughts.

I can’t always turn to Li Zeyan to help resolve my problems every time I run into one.

No longer in the mood to soak in the warm bath, I reach for the shampoo and press the nozzle, intending to wash up as quickly as possible.

I press down hard twice, but the bottle only emits a sputtering sound, and the last remaining bit of shampoo drips pitifully into my palm.

MC: …

Akin to a sudden spark explosion, it instantly triggers a denotation of all the built-up frustration inside me.

I take a deep breath, jerk myself up from the water and throw on a robe, intending to head for the cabinet to find a new bottle of shampoo.

Little did I know, the moment I step onto the tiled floor, I feel my feet slip out from under me, and my body uncontrollably begins to topple forward––

With a loud thud, the immediate sensation of pain shoots up my knee.

MC: [in pain] Hiss…

The pain causes my eyes to burn hot, and I slide down onto the bathroom floor, rubbing my knee.

A flurry of somewhat anxious footsteps echoes outside the door. Moments later, the door is flung open, revealing Li Zeyan’s face, tension written across his entire countenance, an expression that is rarely seen on him.

LZY: [panicked af]  What happened?

The blast of cold air from the open door causes me to shiver. Noticing this, he closes the door before squatting down beside me.

MC: …I slipped and banged my knee.

As he looks at my slightly reddened knee, a hint of helplessness crosses his expression.

LZY: [sighs with infinite indulgent resignation] Restless.

His warm thumb massages the area around my reddened knee, causing the jumble of fretful emotions in my heart to instantly turn into a surge of grievances and pour out.

I blink, trying to dispel the mist clouding my vision. The finger caressing my skin pauses for a moment before suddenly landing at the corner of my eye, catching me unawares.

LZY: [even more indulgently] Crying because it hurts too much?

MC: …no, it’s not that!

MC: It’s nothing serious, just that I got a call from Anna earlier. There’s been… a minor hiccup with the tourism project.

Pouting my lips, I recount to Li Zeyan the “bad news” I’ve just received.

LZY: Do you need my help?

This seems to be the second time he has asked this question. I struggle with myself for a moment before shaking my head.

MC: There’s… no need for now, but if I can’t handle it myself, I’ll definitely reach out to CEO Li.

Hearing me respond this way, Li Zeyan doesn’t press further, and he simply places his palm on the side of my knee.

LZY: Does it still hurt?

Listening to his tender tone, I can’t help but gently hook my finger around his.

MC: It hurts… I can’t get up.

LZY: [laughs helplessly] When a certain stubborn someone fixates on something, there’s no stopping her, but she’s oddly honest when it comes to being afraid of pain.

MC: I’m just being a little persistent, is all. I can’t always have you be my safety net every time there’s an issue… ouch!

My knee twitches slightly, and a dull ache once again surges through my knee, reminiscent of spreading out along silken threads.

LZY: You can’t solve two things at once, so take them one at a time.

LZY: Do you want to take care of your knee first, or deal with the work matters?

MC: …knee.

The air in the small bathroom with thick with white steam, and even Li Zeyan’s faint sigh seems to blend into the steaming hot vapor.

LZY: [lets out a complex laugh; it’s of sb who is all-knowing of all happenings but is infinitely indulgent towards you]  Then listen to me.

MC: [confused]  What…

–

Before I can finish my sentence, Li Zeyan has already shown me through his actions how I should “listen.”

A soft touch imprints on my skin, and a burning sensation spreads from my knee along my skin to my entire body.

I jolt slightly and freeze for a moment. The patch of skin kissed by that softness tingles, and it seems like even the pain is slowly dissipating.

LZY: Don’t fidget; it might make the pain worse.

The deep, slightly hoarse tailing note of his voice, accompanied by the sound of running water, causes me to subconsciously draw my leg back a little, only to have it restrained in place by that hand again.

A gentle sensation, carrying with it a slight chill, seems to pepper its way over my knee, and the painful spot feels as if it’s being licked with cherishment and care.

All the senses in my body seem to be concentrated on that one spot, and I can’t help but take a light breath.

MC: Li Zeyan… 

LZY: [SO SOF– but you can also hear he’s THERE–]  Hm?

MC: …It’s nothing, I just wanted to say your name…

The fingers supporting my knee tighten slightly, and a surge of scorching breath sweeps over me, swallowing my trailing notes.

I follow his breath and, bit by bit, probe deeper, my heart in my chest pounding in synchronization with his increasingly rising body heat.

Warm water continues to gush from the showerhead, soaking both Li Zeyan’s clothes and mine without distinction.

A body temperature hotter than mine gradually closes in, and I feel as if I’m drowning in this steamy heat swirling in the air.

The lingering colorful bubbles from the shower gel float into the air, then burst open with a pop, leaving behind a soft chime drowned out by the sound of water.

—

•─────⋅◍♡◍⋅─────•

—

【Chapter 3】

Even though I gave up on the bubble bath halfway, ended up having to take a second shower, and by the time I went to bed, it was already the middle of the night, I still woke up early today.

[MC’s Company Name] annual business interview program is scheduled to shoot its final episode today, and Li Zeyan will be appearing as the heavyweight guest in this installment.

I have postponed all my other work and arrived at the studio early to ensure every detail of the shoot is absolutely flawless.

The soft white light from the softbox projects onto the light gray background wall, dimly reflecting the shadows of people hurrying around.

Standing in front of the filming equipment, I direct the production crew to adjust the set.

MC: This table needs to be moved a bit more. It doesn’t look well-positioned at the moment.

MC: Turn the reflector on the front left a little more to the right… there, perfect!

MC: The set is almost ready. I’ll go and check on the guest first.

—

After saying hello to the supervisor, I head to the dressing room.

Li Zeyan, clad in a suit, sits in front of a vanity mirror, his bangs swept up, causing his somewhat piercing eyes to be enhanced with an even deeper intensity.

The moment I walk in, those eyes precisely capture me from the reflection in the mirror.

MC: How is the preparation coming along, CEO Li?

LZY: Not bad. Is everything taken care of on the set?

Detecting a hint of jest in his tone, I walk over with a smile.

MC: Yup, that’s why I’m here to check in on this side of things–– CEO Li is our important, esteemed guest after all, so we can’t afford to be negligent.

MC: Therefore, today, my entire day belongs to you, CEO Li.

I wink at him through the mirror and catch a subtle smile playing at the edge of Li Zeyan’s lips.

I sit down on a stool nearby and watch the makeup artist styling Li Zeyan.

From this angle, his ocular orbit and the bridge of his nose appear even more defined, accentuating the depth of his eyes all the more.

MC: CEO Li’s side profile could outshine many stars on the cover of fashion magazines without competition.

LZY: [laughs in spite of himself] …always laying it on thick.

Even though he says this, the slight arch at the tip of his brows betrays a hint of delight.

Spellbound, as I continue to watch him, my phone suddenly vibrates twice, and a message from Kiki pops up––

Kiki: Boss, great news!!

In the chat window, a push notification jumps into my sight, and a few familiar words grab my attention.

MC: [reading the news] “Shuangjian Media Faces Major Crisis! Multiple celebrities under its banner are implicated in tax evasion scandals, and the investigation is underway. The amount of tax evasion has reached up to…”

Upon seeing the number below, I take in a sharp breath of air.

With such a large amount of tax evasion being investigated, it’s sure to land them in serious trouble.

Although I have caught the wind of some rumors before, suddenly so many people being exposed at once seems more like a deliberate action…

A vague idea surfaces in my mind. I instinctively look towards the man not far away, only to lock eyes with him directly.

LZY: MC.

I haven’t even noticed when, but his styling is already complete, and the makeup artist has left the dressing room, leaving only the two of us.

The slightly slim-fitted suit highlights his already tall and straight stature, and his slender fingers unhurriedly adjust the cufflinks. He looks in my direction, lifting his head slightly.

LZY: Help me out.

I raise my eyes and see a rose gold collar pin loosely hanging from the collar of his light gray shirt. 

I walk up to him and carefully fasten the collar pin. My fingertips inadvertently graze against the skin of his neck, eliciting a slight quiver of the Adam’s apple beneath the collar.

A somewhat scorching breath caresses my bangs, leaving a tickling sensation.

LZY: [laughs in amusement] Why are you zoning out?

His warm fingertips are on my neck, gently grazing the skin there intermittently.

MC: Just saw some good news that came as a relief for body and mind, that’s why I was a little distracted.

MC: Shuangjian Media, the company that intercepted [MC’s Company Name] before, has hit a roadblock… I wonder who “played the hero to uphold justice.”

I smile and wink at him, trying to discern any inkling of a clue from his expression that would confirm my guess.

However, he simply lowers his eyes slightly and looks at me, a barely perceptible arc forming on his lips.

LZY: [chuckles softly, but that’s a mastermind chuckle i tell you lmao] That’s quite nice.

MC: Li Zeyan, you…

A knock on the door cuts me off, and the voice of my assistant comes from outside.

Assistant: Boss, CEO Li, it’s almost time for the shoot to begin.

MC: Got it, we’ll be right there.

I purse my lips, suppressing my urge to inquire further, and loosen my hands, intending to escort Li Zeyan to the filming studio.

To my surprise, the pair of arms holding me within show no intention of letting go. He lowers his eyes, his gaze intent upon me.

LZY: Given the importance of this shoot, there ought to be an additional step in the preparation process.

With his head lowered, Li Zeyan leans in towards me slightly. A gentle and familiar breath assaults my senses, and his soft finger pad presses between my lips and teeth, hinting at something ambiguous. 

I cradle his face and lift myself up on my toes.

Our breaths intertwine for a brief moment, but a gentle ripple is left in my heart, reminiscent of a dragonfly lightly touching the water’s surface.

MC: So, even CEO Li needs a little encouragement before stepping in front of the camera?

LZY: I learned it from a certain someone.

The light in those deep eyes remains locked onto me, shimmering slightly, radiating a glow that seeps into my heart.

LZY: And it’s very effective.

—

Such scenes are run-of-the-mill for Li Zeyan. His tone remains steady throughout and devoid of any trace of tension.

LZY: The economic situation this year isn’t conducive to expanding the business scope or making risky investments, but there are more opportunities in the lower-tier markets compared to previous years…

As I watch Li Zeyan through the camera lens, the soft light, which leans more on the cooler tone, accentuates the depths of the man’s countenance all the more.

He speaks at a measured pace, but each word is uttered with an inexplicable sense of certainty.

Host: Although CEO Li mentioned just now that this year isn’t favorable for expanding business extern, LFG seems to be steadily venturing into new fields this year.

LZY: As a matter of fact, LFG has not been as stable this year as it may seem from the outside. On the contrary, we’ve encountered more crises than in previous years.

LZY: The failure of some investments has even put us under the preying eyes of many industry peers.

LZY: But fortunately, I’m not alone in holding up LFG, and LFG is not an isolated island––

As he speaks, his gaze seems to subtly shift towards me behind the camera. In that brief second our eyes interlock, the corners of his lips curl upward into a small smile.

But when I focus and take a closer look again, it’s as if that fleeting smile was never there.

LZY: LFG was able to weather this year’s storms without any mishaps not only due to our decisions but also thanks to the countless colleagues who worked tirelessly day and night to recover the company’s losses, as well as to the support of our subsidiaries.

LZY: Especially the companies that LFG has invested in. Without them, LFG would’ve encountered even greater challenges this year.

Li Zeyan’s straight-from-the-shoulder remarks leave even the host a little taken aback, an expression of surprise settling on their face.

Host: It appears that even LFG, regarded as the lion king in the eyes of the others, has times when it rides the waves to advance.

LZY: That’s inevitable; no one walks a solitary path in this society.

LZY: Having your own plans and making decisive choices is important, but choosing the right people to move forward with is equally important.

I am slightly taken aback.

This was not in the script; it’s obviously an impromptu remark from Li Zeyan.

I’m not sure why, but these words suddenly make me think of those eyes gazing into mine in the bathroom last night.

The unnecessary persistences in my heart seem to quietly start to disintegrate. I tightly clench my fingers and pull my attention back to the show.

Host: We can tell that CEO Li is speaking from the heart. It seems that not only for the company but also for you, CEO Li, personally, do you have someone who can be considered as your exclusive “valued person”?

This time, I clearly see the smile in his eyes. I hold my breath slightly, waiting for the answer that I may have already known for a long time, yet can’t help eagerly anticipating––

LZY: [while looking at you] I do. It’s a well-spring that will never run dry, even in the desert. No matter what trouble may arise, I know without a doubt––

LZY: [while looking at you] She will be by my side forever.

—

•─────⋅◍♡◍⋅─────•

—

【Chapter 4】

After the interview concludes, the filming crew and I head to the Central Grand Hotel.

To celebrate the completion of year-end work and the official wrap-up of the show, [MC’s Company Name] is holding a team-building celebration party here.

Perhaps because the end of the year is drawing closer, a festive atmosphere gradually begins to permeate, filling the banquet hall with laughter.

Being spurred on by this pure joy, I also end up having a few extra drinks.

I find myself feeling a little woozy, until, finally, Li Zeyan takes the wine glass from my hand and escorts me all the way to the lounge of the suite.

—

Inside the room’s bathroom, I turn on the faucet–– the cool water flows over my hand, washing away the slight tipsiness from the alcohol.

After the buzz from the alcohol has worn off a bit, I exhale and push open the bathroom door.

—

The lights in the room are not lit, and a familiar voice can be heard drifting from near the window. He seems to be on the phone with someone.

LZY: …got it. Email it to me.

The high heels under my feet tread on the soft carpet, barely producing any sound as I walk quietly to the floor-to-ceiling windows––

Outside the glass windows of the high-rise, thousands of lights spread out into the distance like a dazzling mosaic of stars.

Li Zeyan is lying on the carpet, the neon lights falling upon him in soft, colorful specks.

I sit down by the freestanding panoramic bathtub not far from him, watching as he hangs up the call.

MC: Was that about work?

LZY: Mm. I heard [MC’s Company Name] is looking for new partners for the Denmark project. I’ve asked the marketing department to draft a proposal. Once it’s finalized, I’ll send it over to you.

MC: But… weren’t you not very interested in this project before?

LZY: It’s true that the profit margins of this project are finite for LFG. However, if we approach it strategically, it could be a breakthrough in the Nordic market.

Seeing my somewhat baffled expression, he raises an eyebrow.

LZY: Since a certain someone has been dragging her feet, I have no choice but to take the initiative and propose it myself.

LZY: Or perhaps you already have other choices in mind?

MC: Of course not!

I don’t shy away from meeting those deep eyes of his squarely. My heart skips a beat, and I’m reminded of the question I’ve been holding back all afternoon.

MC: Before I give you my formal answer, I also have something I’d like to ask CEO Li––

MC: Shuangjian Media artists were found to have engaged in tax evasion. Helping [MC’s Company Name] vent some frustration this way… that was CEO Li’s doing, wasn’t it?

LZY: After all, a certain someone has been frowning and being glued to her phone even during meals for the past two weeks because of the troubles this company has stirred.

LZY: It’s best to take care of it early on, so it doesn’t take up more of your energy.

I’m momentarily stunned, and as I reflect on the recent events, a surge of emotions suddenly intertwines in my heart.

MC: So, CEO Li, what you are subtly reminding me is that I’ve been too occupied with work recently and have been neglecting you?

LZY: [you can’t hear me, but I’m screaming––]  I simply want to have the share that’s rightfully mine.

His understated words convey a hint of tenderness that’s impossible to miss, and it sears into my heart, making the swaying toes of my feet pause mid-motion.

MC: Li Zeyan, thank you. Even though it may sound very formal, I still want to say thank you.

LZY: I wonder who was the person that said before that, you and I, we are one identity?

I’m slightly taken aback for a moment–– I did seem to have said those words not too long ago.

At the time, FengZhen Group was making moves against LFG, and I couldn’t be more grateful to be the one who could stand by his side.

–

[Tidbits]: It’s a call-back to Li Zeyan’s 2024 CNY UR: Burning Imprints~

–

MC: [teasingly]  I believe I said “and LFG” at the time.

LZY: [confidently shrugs off LOL] Same thing.

LZY: Both LFG and I are enmeshed in many complicated relationships, and more and more branches and leaves are slowly growing outward.

LZY: So there’s no need to be so anxious. You’ve long been the sharpest blade capable of breaking the siege for LFG.

The lingering haze that has been weighing on my mind for the past half a month suddenly clears up. In its place, there arises a kind of sweet and surging fluttering sensation, and it’s overwhelming enough to fill my entire heart.

I did seem to be a little too anxious, so anxious that I overlooked the fact that I didn’t need to be in a hurry to rush forward. The unshakable position by his side will always belong to me and me alone.

I lower my eyes, my gaze tracing the contours of his outline obscured by the darkness.

MC: Li Zeyan… you will forever be my first choice.

–

As the words leave my lips, my ankle is suddenly clasped by a warm, dry palm.

Followed by a sigh that almost blends into the night, a twinge of pain shoots through my calf––

My eyes widen, watching as Li Zeyan’s lips meet my skin and nip me gently. He raises his eyes to interlock with mine, and I can see a hint of dissatisfaction swimming in their depths.

LZY: [GOSH THAT SULKY YET SEXY TONE] You’ve hesitated for too long.

Warm fingertips trace upward along my calf little by little, as if offering a kind of appeasement.

The worries haunting me every now and again, concealed in the darkest recesses of my heart, are set alight and burned to ashes.

MC: …I didn’t take that long.

LZY: Since I am your first choice, don’t hesitate.

His fiery breath snakes slowly up the inside of my knee, accompanied by comforting words tinged with a layer of inexplicable rosy hue, causing one to become addicted.

The soft touch rests gently agains the bend of my knee, causing me to shiver involuntarily. I chuckle softly and look at him with a semi-playful gaze.

MC: Um… Mr. “First Choice,” could you help me with something––

MC: Tell me, what can I do to make you happier?

Not waiting for me to finish my sentence, the pressure on my thigh increases slightly, and suddenly my body feels lighter.

The cry of exclamation hasn’t even left me before I find my entire person already wrapped in strong, solid arms.

LZY: You knowingly ask the question.

His deep eyes are so close to me, almost within reach. I can clearly see countless sparks surging beneath them, stirring up an ambiguous and inexplicable heat.

LZY: [chuckles softly] Also, while I said I would help you, it doesn’t mean you won’t have to pay the price.

LZY: After all, I don’t do business at a loss.

LZY: You still have time to think about… what you can give to pay me.

My heart is filled to the brim. I wrap my arms around his shoulders, bury my face in the crook of his neck, and release a sigh of contentment.

The throbbing and undulations of his chest pound against my body again and again, and even the depths of my very soul seem to be trembling along with the motion––

Filling up my entire being.

──────────────────────────────────────────

[craycraybluejay]

You said in tags once that pedophiles and child predators aren't the same, can you explain why? /GEN

For the same reason that people with any kind of attraction to anyone ever aren't all rapists/don't all pursue romantic/sexual feelings that could or definitely would hurt the other person. Because paraphilias are simply the morally neutral state of experiencing attraction and rape/grooming is Not That. Because people *choose* to hurt others, but not what they feel. Because a good majority of child sexual abusers aren't even pathologically/paraphilically attracted to children, they *just want to hurt them because they can.* Because they're dissatisfied with something in life, or want a punching bag, or want to feel powerful, etc etc.

It's not really different conceptually from physical abuse. Do people do it because they have icky feelings about liking blood or violence? No. They do it to feel powerful. Sexual abuse is not about sex but about power. Hope this answers your question. I've answered it a good million times on this blog but eh I'm in a generous mood.

[lover-of-mine]

Wip Wednesday!

I was tagged by @theotherbuckley @fortheloveofbuddie @jesuisici33 thank you 💜

Okay so I've been bouncing back and forth between the buddie trapped on the elevator fic and the buck gets engaged fic, so have a little bit more of the drama on the engaged fic because I'm having fun lol did i mention Eddie gets hurt? it's not anyone's fault but yeah. prev snippet

To be fair, Buck is not really thinking as he jumps off his Jeep and moves up the steps to Eddie's door. Fitting the key to the door and just going in is muscle memory.  He just needs to see Eddie. Now.  He didn't stop to consider the way that Eddie still very much doesn't want to see him.  So he does freeze when Eddie walks into the living room as he closes the door, half expecting him to just kick him out again. But Eddie just looks at him then at the door and at the key in his hand before he sighs, moving as if to run a hand across his face, but getting caught by the sling, wincing at the movement, and Buck steps closer to him, almost instinctively, but Eddie steps backward once he gets too close.  He didn't expect the way Eddie's expression hardens, how he stands up straighter, how his good arm moves to cradle the sling in an attempt to cross his arms.  Or to protect himself. Eddie thinks he needs to protect himself from him.  Oh, he’s gonna throw up. 

No pressure tagging 🩷: @eddiebabygirldiaz @bucks118 @honestlyeddie @sherlockcrossing @wikiangela @daffi-990 @try-set-me-on-fire @watchyourbuck @housewifebuck @aspecbuddie @steadfastsaturnsrings @wildlife4life @giddyupbuck @captain-hen and you if you have something to share 💜

[revenantghost]

hey I just had a question, it seems like some people are convinced ww will have Vash's jacket in tristamp s2, is that just a popular headcanon or is it based on something?

TL;DR: Mostly just a popular headcanon! (At least, so far as I'm aware.)

The theory/headcanon comes from this concept art (grabbing this led me down a concept art rabbit hole and there's so much I haven't seen before, so I'll make a different post about that once I find HQ versions of them):

Which seems to be Wolfwood because *waves vaguely at the Punisher* you know. Staff have mentioned a few times now that they felt kinda bad because some of the concept art that they'd shown before airing was more from season two onwards (the "final phase") which led to everyone going hmmm... That could be Vash's jacket, couldn't it?

Given the themes of human connection and love (especially for Vash letting himself get really attached to ordinary folk for the first time in 150 years, as said by Nightow), and how devastating it would be to realize that Wolfwood of all people let himself mourn and miss Vash, that his life changed that much, well, I really like the theory. But it's just a theory! :D

[jewishfalin]

Ngl still hurt by the anon who said my partner and I are both too feminine to tell im the butch despite the photos in question being from halloween and everything

[coffeeshib]

Hi! I’ve recently visited your page again, after a longer tumblr break and saw your posts about people’s comments on your fics. It made me both sad and angry. Sad because they’ve managed to take away your joy for writing Supercorp and angry that people feel like they can type out any hurtful thought that goes through their head, for a thing that is absolutely free and made with so much passion and care. 😒🤬

For what it’s worth, I always loved the way you write both of them. AND the fact that you don’t ignore Kara’s trauma and struggles. “i’m spilling all my words (but you keep 'em to yourself)” will forever be one of my favorites. Thank you for the hours of joy and fun you have given us! I hope you know that for every entitled commenter there are ten times more people who love your works! 🫵🏻🤘🏻

ahh thank you so much, i appreciate this. i have to say, sc still has me by the neck, i do plan to finish that fic & maybe write some more but it won't be anytime soon. i had hoped that the fandom would calm down with the kara hate after the show ended but i was wrong, it still hasn't changed.

when you've been writing for sc for so long, the frustration builds up, & there have been many times where i felt like i needed to (& did) restrict myself when writing them. it stops being enjoyable when people are constantly calling kara 'stupid' & insult her in many different ways for not being the happy sunshine kara danvers who takes care of lena all the time.

personally i love reading & writing the reverse situation (lena who's being the patient loving one & also the shoulder for kara to lean on) because the show didn't give us enough of that. unfortunately, people don't respond well whenever kara is struggling with her issues & lena isn't the one who's being comforted.

i write what i like & that's what i'm always going to do, but this build up of frustration over the past years & always anticipating kara hate every fic/chapter killed the joy a lot.

i've seen some authors speak about this too & it's genuinely sad to see! people can like & dislike whatever but it's important to note that there are readers out there who don't realize that their personal feelings against kara also affect authors & their love for writing supercorp

[bottlehawk]

….. what’s four chords

2011 very popular humanstuck au where gamzee is like a bishounen mysterious anime boy guitar player. like those big fandom AUs that are basically yaoi vehicles. think voltron. main ships were gamkar and gamtav and the whole hbo drama plot was who's going to end up endgame oOoOoOoOh. turned into a meme after it flooded the tags so much. most noticeably known for the infamous line, "can't sleep without holding onto a motherfucker." lots of popular humanstuck interpretations of the characters are largely influenced by this even if they don't know it... like probably half of the popular headcanons are because of this maybe.

[coquelicoq]

raksura for the ask meme?

YAY

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most) moon was designed in a lab to appeal to me personally, so. it's about the trust issues!

scrunkly (my "baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped) the sky copper clutch!! traumatized children imprinting on a guy with baby fever is usually what i go to fanfic for so to have it right there in canon? incredible. i love all of frost's little tantrums and idk, just the way that she claims moon as her family in a way that has nothing to do with court politics? she's like, we're your clutch, obviously. and this is our court because it's your court, and all the other jabronis who live here are on thin ice. she's ready to throw down with moon's wife/the government at all hours of the day and she's like six years old. i love that moon has that energy in his life even though he personally is pretty confused and exhausted by it lol.

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave) it's hard out here for an ember stan because he is in so few scenes relative to the space he occupies in my psyche! i need 5000% more interactions between him and moon. him and stone. him and shade. him and river. him and the teachers. him and the clutches. him and jade and balm and chime. oh my god him and malachite? him and celadon? him and delin??

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week) niran. i'm always up for a "longsuffering ship captain resigns himself to another restless night of hearing gigantic shapeshifters with incredible stamina fuck nasty on the roof of his cabin" moment. technically i have never been in that exact situation, but i feel like i can relate.

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave) river who is CLASSIC poor little meow meow territory like yes his whole personality is being a grade A asshole and sure he tries to kill my blorbo a few times, but once you get to know him he's so sad and pathetic that i'm kind of like okay where can i sign up to defend him from the largely factual aspersions of his dozens of quite frankly justified haters? he'd hate that. the good shit 👌

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason) stone. every time he crankily says "why did i ever reproduce" upon finding himself entangled in yet another ridiculous clusterfuck thanks to one of his hundreds of idiot great-great-great-great-great grandchildren, an angel gets its wings. he's depressed and antisocial but he can't totally check out because he has to mediate relationship issues between his dumbass relatives. love that for him.

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell) malachite but specifically because malachite would not be scared of superhell. she'd skulk around being invisible, maybe fuck some shit up if she felt like it, and leave when she got bored. she probably makes it like. opal night's sister city or something. and nobody in the court is at all phased. yeah that's our reigning queen who recently got back from vacation in superhell. she does that. she says it's relaxing.

[minzart]

Alright I'll bite just bc I found it funny

Anon who I already blocked on sighingt and won't be able to see this(probably)

How does it feel to call someone a ugly lonely bitch when bitch is someone who gets so much pusy society made it a derogatory word? How does it feel to have a voice of a five years old? And call the representation in your mind of me ugly if I tecnicaly don't even exist in your area?

You make one aroace post and the 5years old think they are so smart, you are proving you are more lonely than me sweety💞 I got friends and mutuals to pamper while you are out there trying to be mean and useless💞

[youngpettyqueen]

ummm um fic recs….in a horrible turn of events garak and bashir have to babysit the ds9 kids?

ive been wracking my brains over how Garak and Julian would end up babysitting a bunch of the kids and I had a hard time figuring out something that would work with Jake and Nog, since theyre older and dont really need a babysitter, so I went with them babysitting Molly and Yoshi! I hope that's alright <3

Garak isn't sure what to expect when he the door to the O'Briens quarters slides open. All he knows is that Julian told him to come, and his only answer to Garak's many questions was to repeat himself with a don't ask just do it tone.

So, Garak had. He'd come. In the middle of the work day, something he's not planning on letting the Doctor forget. He'd come, and he steps inside as the door slides open, and he doesn't know what he was expecting to find here, but it certainly wasn't... this.

Julian is sitting on the floor by the coffee table, the infant Kirayoshi cradled securely in one arm. He also has what appears to be a plastic crown on his head, which is several sizes too small, and perches awkwardly atop his hair. The older of the O'Brien offspring, Molly, is sitting beside him, in what Garak would guess is a human princess costume, all shiny fabric and very, very pink.

Garak comes to pause, considering the scene before him. There are little plastic teacups and plates set out. A few larger plush toys are also around the table, with teacups and plates of their own. It's quite the little set up.

"Good morning, Doctor. Molly," He greets, turning a quizzical raised brow on Julian, "Might I ask why I was called here?"

Julian gives him a look that is very, very tired. "Good morning, Mr. Garak," He replies, "You were called here because you have been invited to Princess Molly's tea party." He informs him.

"Tea party?" Garak echoes.

"I'll explain later," Julian tells him, "Just come sit." He gestures to an open space at the other end of the coffee table.

"Wait!" Molly pipes up, quickly standing. Julian winces at her volume, quietly shushing her as he looks at Kirayoshi, who appears to be sleeping. Garak turns his attention to the child, who holds her head up high and informs him, "You have to bow first."

Garak considers her for a moment. He catches Julian stop himself from laughing in the corner of his eye. Of course, Garak knows about royalty systems, so he knows what a princess is. And he can't imagine himself bowing to one, but Molly has a very stern look on her very little face, and he has a feeling he's in for a fight if he doesn't comply.

He bows. Dramatically, with a flourish. Molly giggles, and the sound is... pleasing.

"Thank you for the invitation, Princess," Garak bids her, continuing to play along as he straightens himself, "May I...?" He gestures to the open seat.

Molly, to his surprise, shakes her head. "Not there," She tells him, "You have to sit with Uncle Julian. Miss Flutterhooves will move." She gestures at the plush sitting on Julian's opposite side- an equine, if he remembers his Earth animals correctly, except this one is... purple, and it has a shiny silver horn protruding from its forehead.

He goes with it. Why not, at this point? He's clearly not getting out of this. "Of course," He says agreeable, stepping closer. Since the plush toy can't move, for obvious reasons, he gently picks it up, "Pardon me, Miss... Flutterhooves," He shoots Julian a quick glance, who nods approvingly, and he proceeds with moving the toy to the open spot at the end of table, and then going to take his own seat beside Julian. He shuffles in as much as possible, awkwardly crossing his legs and trying to keep his knees from tucking under the table, "There we are. This is... very lovely." He compliments as he settles into a somewhat-comfortable position.

"Very lovely," Julian agrees, looking at Molly, "You've done a wonderful job, Princess Molly."

Molly gives Julian a pleased little smile. "Thank you!" She squeaks. Then she suddenly perks up again, like she's heard something, "Oh! I have to go get the tea. It's done sleeping." She stands and, tucking up her skirts like a proper lady, she hurries off to go and... wake the tea, apparently.

"Steeping," Julian offers, as Garak gives him a confused look, "She means steeping."

Garak nods. That doesn't explain... anything else that's going on here. "Tea party?" He asks. Again.

"An old Earth game, of sorts," Julian replies, "Human children commonly pretend to hold tea parties, usually with their parents and their toys involved. Hence," He gestures around the table with his free hand, "All this."

"I see," Garak says, "And I was invited, why...?"

Julian suddenly won't make eye contact. "Molly insisted," He tells him, quick and clearly not the entire truth, "And I just got Kirayoshi to sleep for the first time all day, so I wasn't about to risk Molly getting upset and waking him," He does look at Garak again, this time with a surprising amount of desperation for a man sitting in front of a plastic teacup, with a plastic crown on his head, "He cried for three. Hours. Garak." He stresses each word, exhaustion and desperation oozing from every syllable.

Garak knows of the infant's tendency towards tears. He has no idea how Kirayoshi manages to wail for so long, considering how tiny his lungs are, but he's been able to hear the shrieking from across the promenade.

"I'm not sure the Chief would approve my being here," He points out, "Or Mrs. O'Brien, for that matter."

"I won't tell if you won't. Just play along," Julian implores him, "That's all I ask, just play along. Molly is very sweet, and also very stubborn, and I promise you I'll make it up to you if you just humour her." He's very nearly begging.

Garak has seen Julian less desperate in active crisis situations. He sighs, making a point to be melodramatic about it. "Very well, my dear," He agrees, "I suppose I can find it in myself to play along with the whims of a little girl. What's the worst that could happen?"

"Don't invite that on yourself," Julian warns, "You haven't seen her when she's cranky."

At that moment, Molly returns. In her hands she carries a teapot that matches her teacups, and she proudly brings it to the table and sets it down in the middle of everything. "Ta-da!" She announces, prompting Julian to gently shush her again, "Tea time!" She does not heed his shushing, "Want the first cup, Uncle Julian?" She asks, holding the pot out to him.

Just like that, Julian is smiling again. "I would love the first cup, Princess Molly," He says. He holds the teacup up, and it's comically small in his hand, "Thank you very much."

Molly tips the teapot forward. No actual tea comes out. Still, she holds it like that for a few seconds, before she tips it back. "There you go!" She chirps. Right, pretend. She turns her smile on Garak, and offers him the pot, "Tea?"

Garak delicately picks the teacup up by the handle, which he has to pinch between two claws. "I would be honoured," He says, laying it on thick. Molly pours the pretend tea into his cup, and he gives her his most winning smile, "Thank you, Princess."

Molly goes around the table, pouring tea for the other guests. Garak resists the urge to comment on the teapot apparently being bottomless, and instead glances at Julian. "Uncle Julian?" He questions, an amused smirk curling on his face.

"I'm her favourite uncle." Julian grins.

"I'm sure," Garak murmurs. Molly retakes her seat, and he turns to her, "Ah, Princess, allow me," He reaches across the table to take the teapot, and he pours her her own cup. He's not sure of the exact method to this, but he counts to 3 and then stops, and she looks satisfied, "Could I ask you a question, Princess?" He asks as he sits back, setting the pot down.

"First, cheers," Molly insists. She thrusts her cup up into the air, and Julian raises his, so Garak follows their lead. They clink their little teacups together- literally, "Clink!" She says.

"Clink." Julian echoes.

"Clink," Garak adds. Then Molly sips, and so does Julian, so he follows. When that's done, he inquires, "May I ask my question now?" Molly nods, and he smiles, "Ah, thank you. Yes, my question is, what made you invite me to the tea party, Princess Molly?"

Molly sets her teacup down. "For Uncle Julian." She replies.

Garak can see Julian looking pointedly away from him in his peripheral. "I see," He says, "And why was I invited for Uncle Julian?" He follows up.

"Cause you're married." Molly replies, like it's the most obvious thing in the Quadrant.

Julian chokes on nothing. Garak's eyes widen. "Married?" He echoes. He turns to Julian, who's gone a truly impressive shade of red, right up to the tips of his ears, "Married?" He repeats.

"Yeah!" Molly says, apparently an expert on the subject, "That's what grown-ups do when they're in love! Like my mommy and daddy. You," She points at Garak, "And Uncle Julian are in love, so you're married."

"She's 5." Julian hisses under his breath, just loud enough for Garak to hear.

Garak needs to take a deep breath. He's not often truly caught off guard, but that... he feels like he's just been knocked flat on his back. Alright. Married. He can go along with that. He's certainly gone along with far worse things.

Suddenly he understands Julian's exhaustion and desperation a few moments prior.

"Well, it was... very polite of you to invite me, Princess," He manages to get out, trying to slot back into his role here, "It's nice to spend time with my... husband." That makes Julian turn even redder. He looks like he's about to start glowing.

"Mommy and daddy wanted together-time today," Molly tells him, looking oh-so-serious for a girl of 5 years old, "So you and Uncle Julian probably want together-time, too. That's what married grown ups want." She explains.

Garak can't help but chuckle. "You're very wise," He says. Because she isn't... wrong. When it comes to him and Julian, at least, "I did want together-time with Uncle Julian today." He admits. They were supposed to see each other for lunch today, but then Julian got called away to babysit the O'Brien children, so it was to be rescheduled. And, soft as it makes him, those lunches are truly about... the only thing he looks forward to, so, yes. He did want together-time, as she put it, with Julian.

Molly glances at Julian, and then she leans over the table. "He did, too," She whispers, except it's very loud, and Julian can obviously hear her, "He told me he missed your lunchtime."

Garak glances at Julian, who's again very much not looking at him. He can't help but melt, just a bit, just enough to soften up. "Did he now?" He hums, "Well, that's alright. We have this tea party, don't we?" He puts his hand on the table, holding it out to Julian.

Julian looks at his hand. Then looks up at him, all round eyes and surprise. And then he smiles, all warm and affectionate. "That we do." He says, taking Garak's hand and giving it a squeeze.

"Ew," Molly pulls a face, "You're being gross like mommy and daddy."

Julian snorts a laugh. Garak chuckles. They let go of their hands and go back to their teacups, following Molly's lead as she sips at air again. Then she insists on refilling their cups, and they sit back and let her.

Julian's hand finds his on the floor. Garak takes it, brushes his thumb over Julian's knuckles. They exchange a private look, a small smile, Julian still red in the cheeks.

Maybe this isn't such a bad way to spend an afternoon, after all.

[aurosoulart]

Oh so you're an art thief. Stealing other people's art and idea using ai and claiming it as your own. Gross, unfollowed and blocked. Maybe do some research into ai art and how harmful it is.

since this person blocked me they won't hear my response, but I wanted to post this in case the point of my previous post wasn't clear:

I want to talk about ways to improve and ethically use AI image algorithms specifically because of how much research I've done on how harmful they are.

as a professional artist, I'm among the group of people at direct risk of losing my livelihood to artificial intelligence.

however, as someone who's also fully entrenched in the industry of new technologies and who has had an interest in them for many years, I know that we invent things first and then ask the ethical questions about them later.

I'm in a unique position where I'm often in public speaking situations about the confluence of art and technology, and I want to use my voice to try and have some say in how we can make things like VR, AR, and AI more ethical and safe for everyone.

I would never take an AI generated image and claim it as my own - this is part of the reason why I'm being upfront about the way I'm experimenting with using them for artistic reference and as part of my process.

I believe that technology isn't inherently good or bad, and that it's up to us to find positive ways to use it. I want to be part of the search for those positive ways.

[imminent-danger-came]

Shoutout to MK for immediately gathering his friends after Monkey King was sealed into the scroll! Even if it was dangerous, he called them and didn‘t try to do everything himself!

CHARACTER DEVELOPEMENT /pos

let‘s see how long that lasts. I‘m expecting some CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT /neg sometime in the future. I mean, sure, it looks like Wukong started his healing arc. but MK ? Not so much

Sure he had been hoping it would be something small. But he was lying to himself and knew it, the thing overpowered Wukong in 5 seconds flat after all.

But he still ended up being seperated from everyone.

Somehow it legitimately feels like a decent chunk of the season focused on how MK was different from his mentor but still ends up making similar choices… almost like he can‘t escape being like Wukong. Being worse than Wukong. Like it‘s desti- 💥get‘s shot💥

Both MK and Monkey want/ed things to stay as they are. Only MK wants to keep that by staying as he himself is now too, while Wukong wanted to become stronger to protect what he has.

But the world is going to mold MK into one of the most powerful beings to exist whether he wants to or not. It‘ll drag him down kicking and screaming if it has to.

Wukong leaving to get stronger vs. MK leaving because he‘s too strong and doesn’t want to hurt anyone.

Wukong leaving his friends behind by choice vs. MK‘s friends being taken from him, time and time again, even when he asks for help.

Young Wukong intentionally aggravating powerful beings and causing massive destruction vs. MK doing the exact same thing entirely on accident. When he‘s trying to help even.

FIGHT.

On one hand, MK leaning on his friends at the beginning of s4 seems like a good thing (and it partly is!), "we're stronger together" and all that. On the other, I can't help but feel part of MK's reliance on his friends—which alone isn't necessarily a bad thing—comes from a place of "I can't do anything on my own" (thank you trigram furnace scene). MK is this very interesting mixed bag, where he wants to be right by his friends sides yet in the same vein believes he should be able to do it without them.

MK leaving in 4x08 was out of the belief that "everything he does just makes things worse", and that if he had stayed he would eventually hurt the people he cares about. In ROTSQ MK went off on his own to procure the trigram furnace to try and prove that he could do it alone.

Mirror MK: "Listen, every time we get in trouble, we turn to Monkey King or our friends or SOMEONE. They tell us a story and we find that smidge of motivation we need. Well—now we're on our own. It's just you."

Ultimately, both of these decisions come from the same place: MK's lack of belief in himself. In s2 and s3 he's not strong enough, but in s4 when he finally has more power he's "too strong", he's "destined to cause nothing but pain and suffering".

I think back to the 3x14 "to pain" scene a lot, because holy fucking shit how can you not, but particularly this line-

MK: "You still think that the universe really wants anything, from any of us?" Lady Bone Demon: "Don't you?" MK: "I try not to think too hard." Lady Bone Demon: "So it would seem."

-in tandem with this line-

MK: "I don't know if all of this happened because it was destined too—but I have to believe that I found the staff so I could use it for good. To help people."

-along with MK's s4 arc, drives me INSANE. MK never thought himself destined for anything, he considered himself a "regular noodle delivery boy with the powers of the Monkey King." But in s4 that distinctly changes, and it does so in such an interesting way with how MK's foil with Wukong develops.

Watching MK go from believing he's not anything special (1x09 and 2x05 you bitches) to believing he is chaos incarnate has been a wild ride, and one that I expect to only continue to go down. Pair that with Wukong being forced to come face to face with the hurt he himself has caused (3x10 and 4x11), and boy are we sure in for a time!

The tragedy of both MK and Wukong is that they hurt people and cause pain when they're trying to exactly the opposite. Different paths, same inevitable end—except the student usually goes farther, don't they?

[ouchhq]

am i so hard to care about?

[chaoffee]

Venti was a free spirit, for him; freedom was one of the most important things - if not, then the most important one. Of course, being in a relationship takes some of your freedom away but Venti didn't mind it one bit - since it was you he is together with.

For you, he would give everything without hesitation and still be happy, because you are by his side.

He is always very open about his feelings - be it by his mimic, his actions or even his words. You always feel loved, every second - and Venti made sure of it.

He loves gliding over to you just to put a Cecilia into your hair, saying; “There you go! A pretty flower for the prettiest flower I've ever laid my eyes upon~”, with a cheeky smirk.

The Archon then plants a kiss on your cheek, whispering; “I love you, Orion.. very much so.”

~ 💐 (you opened the 20th door of my advent calendar <3)

Hello??? Please this has me weak, I was not expecting this at all and just the amount of overflowing joy that took over lmfao my hands actually started cramping from the sudden joy 💀

Please, this is such a gift to me ; - ; thank you so much for this little treat 💐 anon. You have no idea how much it means or how happy you just made me. May you blessed with everything you ever desire and may happiness be with you always <3

[septembersghost]

received an ask that was asked not to be posted, but because of it, and because of the thread sent around this morning, i want to tell you why i never find casual or "satirical" antisemitism or racism funny or acceptable: when i was in highschool, i was horribly bullied. pick a reason - i was out of district with affluent kids, so they made fun of me for being poor, for my clothes, for my curly hair, for my body, for my shyness, for my interests, whatever. in 10th grade, we had to do semester long comprehensive projects/presentations on a topic in modern european history. i chose the holocaust. as difficult as i knew this would be to study with intent, i made this choice because members of my extended family were lost, because we had a dear family friend who was a survivor (wrote a book and ran a shoah museum), and because i was old enough that i needed to try and understand, because this shadow of horror and grief had always been a part of my jewish heritage. when the kids who bullied me realized this, the torment became explicitly antisemitic. i won't repeat some of things they said, but it's still burned into my brain. they mocked anything they could. told me all jewish girls are ugly. and far worse. eventually, a couple of the girls emailed me actual nazi propaganda. one stole a beloved star of david necklace of mine and threw it in a dumpster (i never got it back). because this was concrete proof, we went to administration, and they suspended the girls for a week. the boys who'd made the very worst "jokes" couldn't be reprimanded because i couldn't prove bullying via speech. they kept doing it, just changed tactics. i was told later we could've pressed what happened further as a hate crime, but tbh i don't think i would've had the strength for that. i just kept my head down and tried to survive it until they got bored. they engaged in "joking" racism and misogyny too. they did "ironic" h*il salutes and laughed about ovens. it wasn't humor, it was bigotry. it left permanent emotional scars, not just on me. and those types of jokes? they inflame and encourage and embolden very real and dangerous white supremacy. so yeah. i never find that funny and i never am able to brush it off. if that's oversensitive, fine. i'd rather be oversensitive than callous. and i feel the imperative to listen to people when they're hurt.

[south-sea]

i talk about the softer side of second chance au a lot so it’s time to talk about how absolutely feral the boys still are. just because they’re living in kinder circumstances now doesn’t mean they’ve been declawed.

metal, even with his hostility coding removed, is still a vicious little beast. normally he doesn’t want to fight if he doesn’t have to (maybe it's more accurate to say he lets it be someone else's problem until it has to be his), but it takes very little to provoke him. is he brooding, and you’ve just forced him to move two inches to the left? he's turning you into a bowling pin. did you just playfully hit him in the back of the head with a paint gun? you’re getting ragdolled over his shoulder. did you hurt who was precious to him? … hope you got life insurance, dude.

removing the hostility coding has not made him kind; it’s only distilled that hostility and allowed him to focus it on those who deserve it (or don’t. metal is not exactly a good judge of character).

he doesn't necessarily like causing pain, but some part of him delights in seeing the aftermath of his fights. after all is said and done, and he looks back to see he's carved trenches into the ground or set fires or knocked over trees, then all the better. maybe he doesn't go out of his way to cause destruction, but he certainly takes any excuse to, and when it's given to him for good reason, he leans into total overkill territory.

he is tired of being someone else's weapon, but he will still chose to be a weapon, especially if it means defending those he cares about.

even on the lighter side of things, one of the first things he learned is he does not know how (and does not like to) play with other children. games like tag or keep-away aren’t challenging, and he doesn’t understand the point of letting younger kids win to keep them from being discouraged. he cannot empathize with them, and if he can’t make use of even a fraction of his everyday abilities, then what’s the point? how is it fun, if he’s not allowed to hover to keep himself from being made “it”, or speeding away to avoid being tagged? how is it fun, if he has to handicap himself? (what even IS “fun”?)

for the most part, shadow’s content to live an easier life of exploration. he does not fight unless in self-defense, and isn’t that reactive or easy to provoke. but there are some days he misses the thrill of just, existing at a faster pace. he doesn’t have much reason to run or hone his abilities—even if he doesn’t have a reason to fight, it’s still an aspect of himself that needs nurturing and entertaining. he has a lot of energy built up, and doing nothing but wandering around and learning isn’t going to help him expend it. there’ll be days he takes off running at full speed from nothing and just Goes.

i’d like to think there’s a day where one or both of them are frustrated about the lack of excitement or feel they’ve stagnated, and just end up racing each other. metal can have races again that don’t end in a shower of sparks and broken parts, and with nothing to prove to “himself” (maybe this is “fun”?). shadow has a way to expend excess energy—he makes it a best two out of three. they run until sundown and don’t even notice until metal catches the fact that shadow’s winded.

maybe they even start to spar with each other, but that one might take some time. metal, as brutal and merciless as he is against anyone else, is fiercely in the “shadow is my responsibility” camp and would have a hard time allowing himself to do anything but block. i’d like to think shadow eventually proves he can handle it, and then it’s a no-holds-barred scrap that ends with a few broken quills and some chipped paint, but instead of sharp words and petty verbal jabs, it’s a calm trade of pointers to help cover each other’s weak spots while they're sat together in the grass afterward.