#another lana song revelation

[fear-is-truth]

bad to the bone, sick as a dog.

[norrussell]

Lipstick Kisses | Lando Norris⁴

Pairings: Lando Norris x fem!reader

Summary: on a night out, Lando and you can't wait to go home and get your hands on each other

Warnings: smut, unprotected sex, a bit kinky, Lando and the reader being switches, tying up only for a few moments

A/N: did I come up with this while sitting on a pile of requests? Absolutely, but hear me out. When I saw Lando that night out in Mexico I just couldn't resist. He's a walking inspiration. This is the piece I've put my whole being into, please leave me some feedback and don't let it flop ♡

The clear sky was a deep cobalt blue and the stars were twinkling like a million tiny fireflies. The air was cool and still, a gentle breeze rustling through, carrying the distinct smell of the city with it. The streetlamps were glowing, a mix of blues, pinks and greens while the hum of the traffic filled the air. In the distance, the city skyline glimmered with a hundred thousand windows, the tallest building reaching far into the sky. The air was alive with sound and light, the city exhaling its never ending energy.

Lando and you were in his car, heading towards the club. As you drove, the sultry voice of Lana Del Rey filled the car, the melodious tunes blending perfectly with the city's bright lights. Lando's eyes were fixed on the road, but you could feel his gaze on you from time to time. You wore a tight-fitting black dress that hugged your curves in all the right places, your long hair cascading down your shoulders in loose waves. You knew you looked good, with your smoky eye makeup and red lipstick, and you could sense Lando's hunger growing with each passing moment.

As you stepped out of the car, the sound of thumping bass and raucous laughter hit you. The neon sign of the club flickered above you, illuminating the crowds of people waiting to get in. Taking your hand, Lando guided you inside. The smell of alcohol and perfume mixed together as soon as you walked in, with the music permeating every corner of the place.

Lando led you to the VIP section where the drinks flowed freely. You took a sip of your cocktail and let the alcohol warm your body. Lando leaned in close to you, his lips brushing against your ear. "Do you want to dance?"

Without hesitation, you took his hand and led him to the crowded dance floor. The beat of the music pulsed through your body, and you lost yourself in the rhythm. Lando's hands gripped your hips as he pulled you closer, his breath hot against your neck. You could feel the heat between you growing, and your body responded in kind.

It was as though the rest of the world had faded away, leaving just you and Lando to revel in each other's company. As the music changed to a slower, sensual beat, Lando's hands roamed over your body, his fingers tracing the lines of your curves. You could feel his hard muscles pressed against you, the heat of his body making you gasp.

Lando's lips found yours, his tongue slipping past your lips. Your body tingled with desire as you felt his hands sliding down to your thighs, pulling you up against him. The music was the only thing keeping you grounded, the rhythm pulsing through you, guiding your movements.

As the song came to an end, Lando leaned down and whispered in your ear “I can’t wait to take you home.”

You smiled and ran a thumb over his bottom lip, removing a red smudge from your lipstick.

"I can't wait either," you replied, your voice thick with desire.

Lando's eyes darkened, and he took your hand, leading you back to the VIP section. The alcohol had gone to your head, but you didn't care. Tonight was about letting go and having fun.

Once you were back at the table, Lando ordered another round of drinks. As you waited, his hand snaked up your thigh, sending shivers down your spine. You leaned in, pressing your lips to his neck, breathing in the scent of his cologne.

The drinks arrived, and you downed yours in one gulp, feeling its warmth spreading through your body. Lando's hand moved higher up your thigh, dangerously close to the hem of your dress. Loud music drowned out your moan, feeling the heat between your legs growing.

“Lando,” you stained his neck. “Take me home.”

His jaw clenched at the tone of your voice and hand on your thigh grasped you tighter. Without hesitating, Lando beckoned for the bill, paid with a black card and led you out of the club, his hand gripping yours. You headed quickly to the car, your heels clicking against the pavement. You giggled as you got into the passenger seat, feeling lightheaded from the alcohol.

Lando's car rolled into the underground parking lot, the tires squealing slightly as he pulled up to your place. He turned off the car, but left the engine running. Leaning over he pulled you close, your lips meeting in a searing kiss. His hands trailed up your dress, edging it up until it clung to the tops of your legs. You moaned into his mouth as you felt his fingers slide up your inner thighs, pushing aside the lace of your panties.

You pulled away, your body throbbing in desire. "Not here," you gasped. "And the elevator is too small..."

Lando grinned, his teeth gleaming in the darkness. He turned off the engine and stepped out of the car, circling around to your door. He opened it and pulled you out, taking you into his arms. You could feel his hard cock pressed against your leg, indicating he wanted you just as much as you wanted him.

He pulled you away from the car slowly, guiding you towards the elevators. You stepped inside, and he hit the button for the penthouse. The doors slid shut and the elevator began to climb. Your heart raced, your breaths coming in short gasps as you felt Lando's hands on your hips. He kissed you hard, exploring every inch of your mouth with his tongue. His fingers trailed down your neck, dipping into the top of your dress to caress your breasts. You moaned softly, feeling heat radiate from between your legs.

The elevator came to a stop and Lando looked deeply into your eyes before pressing his lips against yours in a final kiss that left you breathless. You were the first to leave the elevator, making your way to the bedroom and taking your dress off as you went. Lando's eyes were focused on your body, taking in the sight of you as you stepped out of your heels.

“Like what you see?” you teased, holding only the top of the dress over your frame.

“More than you could possibly imagine.” Lando’s eyes took in your curves, and he lunged towards you, dragging you onto the bed beneath him. He began to kiss every inch of your naked skin, wrapping his lips around your nipples as he tore the dress off, and sliding his tongue across your stomach.

His hands glided up the back of your thighs, pulling you towards him. The heat of his breath against your thigh sent a shiver through your figure, and your pussy ached with need. He skillfully removed your thong, making you moan as he slid a finger inside of you, his mouth moving to your clit. He flicked the soft nub between his teeth, causing your body to writhe in pleasure. You whimpered as you felt his fingers slip deeper into you, moving in and out in time with his tongue.

You arched your back as you felt the waves of pleasure crashing over you. You were so close to coming, and Lando seemed to know exactly where to touch you. You gasped, feeling your whole being exploding in ecstasy. Lando brought you to the edge over and over again, drawing out your pleasure until you were begging him to stop.

Lando's hands trailed up your figure, caressing your breasts. He pressed his lips against yours, kissing you deep, his tongue exploring every crevice of yours. You could taste your own juices on his lips and tongue, and the heat between your legs began to burn once more. You slid your hand down Lando's sides and grasped his cock, starting to rub him over the pants.

He moaned into your mouth as you stroked him gently, the other hand yanking on the chains around his neck, pulling him deeper into your mouth. You parted your legs, inviting him in. He teased you, grinding and rubbing his hardness against you. You could feel his cock throbbing with desire, begging to be buried deep within you.

You used a moment of his carelessness to wrap your legs tight around him and flip you around. You straddled him, pinning his arms on each side of his head.

“You’re such a tease.” he bit into his lower lip to stop his smile from spreading, admiring your naked physique on top of him.

“I’m about to tease you a lot more.” you said as you pushed your hips forward.

You buried your head into his neck, leaving a trail of wet kisses. You let go of his wrists -which he didn’t even bother moving- and unbuttoned his black shirt, your lipstick kisses marking every inch of toned skin. Removing the shirt and tossing it aside, Lando raised his arms above his head, giving you enough access to his chest. His muscles were firm and strong, and it made you ache for more. Kissing his upper body tenderly, you covered his collarbones in your lips’ red imprints. And every freckle and birthmark was kissed in a perfect heart-shaped pattern.

Lando groaned as you wrapped your hands around his torso and slid your pussy up and down his denim jeans. The fabric was so thin it made it easy for you to feel his hard cock pressing against you, begging for release. You let your lips graze his neck, your breasts pressed up against his bare chest. He started to move, thrusting his hips towards yours. The heat between you was undeniable, and you could tell he was holding back as much as you were.

You sat up, gazing into his eyes as you ran your hands down his abdomen. Reaching down and undoing his belt, you pulled it out from its loops. You wrapped the leather around his wrists, and pulled him towards the bedpost. You bit your lip, watching his body tug against the restraint, his muscles straining against the leather. You ran your hand over his dick, feeling it throb between your fingers.

“I want you to know who owns you.” you whispered, wrapping the other end of the belt around the bedpost. He was your prisoner, and you were his captor.

He watched you, his expression unreadable. You placed a final kiss on his lips and slid down his body, freeing his cock from its confines, squeezing it firmly. He groaned as he felt the leather holding him back when he reached for you. You ran your hand up and down, squeezing tighter with each pass. He let out a moan, and you stopped suddenly.

“No. Don’t stop.” Lando whined, his voice curling around you.

“You want me to stop?” you bit your lip, grinding into him.

“No!” he said, his voice cracking. “Please, don’t stop.” he panted.

You looked up at him, giving him a mischievous smile before sliding your hot mouth over his hard cock. He moaned, instantly forgetting about his hands being tied up. You pressed your lips tight, your tongue swirling around his tip. He cursed softly under his breath, enjoying the sensation. You took him all the way in, letting your lips swallow his hot, firm cock, moaning as you hit the back of your throat.

Lando pulled at the belt, trying to free his hands as you took him deeper, sucking harder. He moaned, the pleasure choking his words. You slid your mouth off his cock and gave the tip a few kisses. Locking eyes with him, you glided your mouth over his cock once more, this time faster.

You let your hands skim over his thighs, gripping hard as you bobbed your head up and down. You felt him twitch in your mouth, and you pulled away, looking up at him. He looked back at you, with a wide eyed expression.

“Please, don’t stop.” he begged again, leaning his head back against the bed.

You gripped his cock, running your tongue over the shaft. You circled the tip with it, tasting the sweet flavor of his desire as it dripped from him. You felt the cool air caress the wetness that lingered around your lips.

“Please.” he whispered again.

You reached up and undid the belt around his wrists. You let him free his hands, and he wrapped one around your neck, pulling you into a kiss as he let the other roam down your back. He drew you towards him, reaching down to cup your hot pussy. His fingers explored your lips before moving to your clit, rubbing softly. He nudged your body towards the bed, climbing on top of you and kissing you deeply, his lips dancing across yours and chains clinking with every motion.

The heat of his body against yours made you ache even more as you felt the wetness between your legs. You wanted him so bad you could taste it.

“Please, I want you.” you moaned.

“Please what?” it was his turn to tease you.

“I want you so bad.” you let your fingers trace down his chest.

“That’s right. Beg for it.” he relished in your neediness.

“Please, fuck me.” you said, your voice high pitched and out of control. “Please, fuck me right now.”

He slid his hand across your body, taking your hand, and pressed it against the bed. He stared into your eyes, his hand holding yours. You knew he wanted you to beg more, but you wouldn’t let him have it. You bit your lip, and his green eyes narrowed. He freed your hand, guiding it with his own, nipping at your lip and kissing it gently.

You smiled at him, and his grip tightened. He teased you, gliding his body over yours. The feel of his hard cock pressing against you only drove your desire for him higher. You moaned as you felt it go over your clit, sending shivers through you. You wrapped your legs tight around him, wanting to feel him all the way inside you.

Lando stared into your eyes, sucking your lower lip into his mouth. He let go of your hand and moved from your mouth to your neck. Your breath caught as he continued trailing kisses along your throat and shoulders. He suckled your sensitive skin, and your nails slid across his bare back, making him hiss in response as you dug them into his flesh, leaving red lines.

His lips found your breast, and his tongue swept over your hardened nipple. He took it into his mouth and sucked on it, sending shocks of pleasure through you as you felt him kneading it with his lips. You bit down on your lower lip to stifle the moan that rose in your throat. His teeth grazed against the sensitive bud, and you gasped, your back arching involuntarily in response.

“I’ve been waiting for this.” he whispered into your ear.

He encircled your legs with his arms and you embraced him in return, squeezing your thighs around his waist. His lips crashed against yours, passionately expressing the feelings that had been building up between the two of you for far too long. And when he pressed himself into you, it was clear that he'd been yearning for this as much as you were.

Lando moved his hips, grinding into you. You felt him moving deeper inside you, and you moaned into his mouth. He pulled his hips back and slammed them forward again. Your body moved back and forth, as he thrust into you again and again. He rubbed your clit, and you felt the tingles building inside you, the soft waves radiating out from your hips. You whimpered, as you felt it building up, closer and closer.

“Fuck, you feel so good.” he grunted as he thrust into you again, and your body tightened, shaking against him. You broke away from his kiss, your eyes closed and head thrown back. You bit your lip, sustaining a scream, letting out a deep moan instead, waves crashing up against you again.

He leaned back, thrusting his hips harder, and fingers pressing against your clit. Your hips ground against him, meeting each desperate thrust. You were lost in a sea of pleasure, your head spinning. You took him deeper inside you, grinding against him as your body shook.

The waves crashed into you, and you felt them rippling through your body, waves of pleasure that you could do nothing but ride out. Your moans were loud, and you didn’t even care. He thrust into you, over and over, your moans mixing together. You felt the last of the pleasure wash over you, your body rendered boneless.

“You’re mine.” his chains dangled over you as he leaned to whisper into your ear.

They landed in your mouth, your teeth tugging on them, urging him to begin thrusting again, to move with you as you rode out the last of the waves. Your body felt less sensitive, but he just felt so good. He wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you tight. You moaned, meeting his thrusts as he started to move quicker and faster. He felt the heat between your legs as you felt him twitch, and you moaned again, pressing your lips into his shoulder.

“You ready?” he said, his voice hoarse.

You felt the warmth spread through you, and your pussy tightened, trying to squeeze his cock. His moans increased as his hips quickened their tempo. You sucked on his neck, licking over his collar bone, all your previous artwork smudged. He bit down on your shoulder, and grew even more aroused. The heat inside you intensified, your hips moving wildly in sync with his.

He pounded into you, his cock sliding in and out of your tight, wet pussy. You could feel yourself panting more rapidly as the intensity of the moment began reaching a boiling point, your moans increasing in volume with every stroke.

You heard him grunt, his cock twitching inside you. Your pussy squeezed him, and he groaned. You kissed him, hard, and he broke away from you. He stared into your eyes, his forehead touching yours as sweat glistened on his skin. You whimpered, and his eyes closed, mouth soundlessly hanging open.

He thrust into you one last time, his cock quivering deep inside you. You felt the warmth fill you up, and you moaned out. The pleasure was overwhelming, and you felt yourself slowly drifting back to reality.

Lando collapsed on top of you, his arms wrapped around you, making you fit inside him, feeling his hot breath against your cheek. You felt your body shaking with the aftershocks of the orgasm. You could feel his cock still jerking slightly inside you, causing soft moans to escape you as you came down from your high.

He rolled off you and gathered you in his arms, pulling you close. You let out a sigh of contentment as he caressed your arm and pressed his lips against your forehead. He looked into your eyes, the love evident on his face.

“I love you,” he said softly.

You smiled and ran your hand through his sweat dampened curls, feeling warmth fill your heart. You touched his face with both hands, gazing into his eyes.

“I love you too," you whispered back before the sound of his steady heart beat lulled you into a peaceful slumber.

[yes-divine-ruler]

CAN YOU PLEASE WRITE A KAI SMUT LIKE BASED OF THE SONG ULTRAVIOLENCE BY LANA DEL REY🙏🙏

Kai Anderson x Fem!Reader Smut - “Ultraviolence” (18+)

This shit is fucked up LMAO - smut w Kai to me is like the most depraved shit, I hope ur nasty like I am anon <33 also love the connection to the song fits so well

“I used to be a member of an underground sect which was reigned by a guru. He surrounded himself with young girls. He thought that he had to break people first to build them up again. At the end I quit the sect.”

- Interview with CultNoise Magazine

CW: hard spanking, degradation, unprotected penetrative sex, sadism, fingering

Words: 1257

“You are all here today,” Divine Ruler began, circling the masses in his basement, “because you have been chosen.”

You couldn’t get passed the multitude of young women in the same position you were, cross legged on the floor, listening intently to the blue-haired man in front of you.

“I believe that you must be broken before you can be be built into greater beings,” he continued, his eyes settling on you as you stared up at him from beneath your thick lashes.

“One by one, you will be broken, by yours truly,” he let out a menacingly laugh, crouching down in front of you and grasping your chin between his fingers and thumb, “starting with you, Y/N, my little lamb.”

The room breaks out in low whispers, the other girls huddling together to share the Divine Ruler’s revelation. You sat gobsmacked, looking up at him with wide eyes. You didn’t know what to expect; in what ways could you be more broken? He knew this, he saved you, and you loved him for it.

“Now leave, my people, I must start my mission,” Divine Ruler stands and watches as the young women leave the room, gathered in small groups as they march up the stairs into the main house.

You sat motionless, still cross-legged on the floor as you tried to steady your laboured breathing. Kai Anderson was unreadable, his next move never predictable, and you were fearful of what he might do to you. Although you’d known Kai the longest, recruiting more girls than the leader did himself, he showed you no mercy. You knew when Kai was angry, it radiated off him in a perilous glow.

He watched you for a moment, taking in your vulnerability and fearfulness.

“Look at me,” he demanded, your head shooting up from the ground in front of you to meet with Kai’s dark eyes.

“The girls have told me what you’ve been saying Y/N,” he started, his body looming over you like a dark cloud, “and your Divine Ruler isn’t happy with such blasphemy.”

“Kai I don’t know what you’re talking about-” you saw his teeth grit together and his jaw lock at the name you’d called him, “I mean sir.”

“Dishonesty must be punished,” he says simply, sitting down on the couch, his arms resting on either side of him on the backrest, “come here.”

You stand and obey his command, walking over to him and standing in front of him hesitantly, your heart beating loudly in your ears.

“Now lay over my lap,” he instructs, as you nod your head, bending over his lap and laying your stomach on his thighs.

You feel Kai run a hand over your backside, softly caressing the material of your short skirt, before lifting it up, exposing your bare ass in your panties.

His fingers slide into the waistband, pulling down your panties and discarding them over his shoulder. The cool air hits your bare backside as you wait in anticipation for the punishment to begin.

“No more lying to me, little lamb, you will only obey me,” Kai snarls, before his hand lays a heavy smack on your ass cheek. You gasp at the sudden pain, whimpering as he lays down another one.

And another, and another. He hit you, but it felt like a kiss.

Until tears begin steaming down your cheeks at the pain. You choke out a sob, Kai only letting out a scoff in response.

“How pained do you think I feel when you betray me, Y/N?” He says, his fingers caressing your sore, reddened skin, “you are feeling only a fraction of how I feel.”

“I didn’t do anything Kai!” You response was desperate, more sobs escaping your lips as you plead your innocence. Kai tuts from underneath you, his hand suddenly grabbing a fistful of your hair and pulling your head back.

“Do not talk back to me,” he growls, as you let out small pained whimpers, your face wet with your own tears.

“I’m- I’m sorry sir, please,” you continue to beg, as his fingers dips from your ass cheeks and between your legs.

“What’s this? Your cunt is soaking wet from all this punishment? What a needy fucking whore,” Kai’s fingers slip between your folds, before they connect with your clit. He rubs harsh circles on the sensitive bundle of nerves, causing you to squirm in his lap before you feel a his thumb enter you. He moves his thumb in and out of you, his fingers still brushing up against your clit, as all the pain you were feeling is overrode with intense pleasure.

“You love this don’t you? You love being a worthless slut,” he groans, as you begin to feel a hard bulge rub up against your stomach, his erection a direct cause of your undeniable pleasure and pain.

“Answer me!” He yells, his thumb replaced by two of his long fingers, curling inside you and hitting your g-spot over and over again.

“Yes sir! I love being a worthless slut,” you cry out, your head still being pulled back by the fistful of hair Kai wasn’t letting go of.

His fingers suddenly leave you, a whine of deprivation escaping your lips as he pulls you off his lap. You’re both standing, his chest flush against yours, as he looks down at your pathetically tear-stained face and your pouty lips.

“Worthless sluts don’t get to cum,” he spits, before his lips come crashing down on yours. He bites down hard on your bottom lip, sure to draw blood, before his tongue evades your mouth. Your eyes squeeze shut in agony at his harsh assault on your mouth, before he pulls away, and pushes you down so your knees hit the couch.

“You’re not going to be able to sit for a week,” he seethes, as you hear him unfasten his pants from behind you, “your ass has my handprint marked all over it.”

You feel the tip of Kai’s cock rest at your entrance, before he enters you, in one harsh thrust. His fingers grasp at your hips, as he continues to savagely pound into you, the position only making it hit deeper. You let out a series of moans, hearing Kai grunt from behind you, his fast pace unwavering.

“I’m going to release my load inside you, and you-” his thrusts begin to become sloppy, “are going to go upstairs and preach to the others how much I have changed your life, and how fucking great I am.”

He lets out a final moan, his cock resting inside you as he came. You let out a cry as he smacks your ass again in the same spot, before pulling out of you.

“Now compose yourself, little lamb, and do as I say,” you shift from your position on the couch, looking at him a final time as you scavenge for your panties and adjust your skirt.

He ignores you, now done with you, as he retreats to his desk to look over paperwork. You feel more tears threatening to fall from your eyes as you ascend the basement stairs, sore by the abuse of your one true love your Divine Ruler, who is clearly under the impression you have been badmouthing him to the rest of the cult. You knew it’ll kick you down the ranks, the other girls doing anything they can to be in his number one spot, and it hurt for that thought to cross your mind.

[lilibrownlabonita]

I want you-Namora x reader

Summary: The same water and land that unites them, one day separates them.

Warning: Angst, Smut and Romance

Rating: +18

Work count: 9500k 💪🥹🤌

A/n: I was inspired by the song "Diet Mountain Dew" by dear Lana del Rey.

I make it clear that the poem I used is called "Não te amo mais" by Clarice Lispector, a Brazilian woman, read the poem I used as a letter in the traditional way and then read it from the bottom up.

I could make his eyes shine.

Baby, I want you

Being alone was never a problem, in fact it was good, no need to be always moving or communicating, where silence was a friend and solitude a companion. But why is it that now when I am alone I long to be with you, it is as if there is a part of me missing, my thoughts run to you and I feel like I am delirious when I hear your voice. It's not fair, the water that separates us is abundant, you would never leave your home for me, would never leave your cousin the king to be by my side.

Then why, why is it that whenever I am near Namora she looks at me as if she could love me, why she look at me as if you could make love to me?

You are not good for me.

Baby, you're no good for me.

Everything would be different if I had never met you, you, the blue skinned, water colored woman, who really comes from water. It's funny how cruel fate is, I never felt the need for someone, but for you I burn.

I was completely in love with Namora. Namora, the woman of my dreams and nightmares.

Namora, the woman with blue skin.

Namora, my passion.

Namora, Namora, Namora, Namora, Namora.

Just, Namora.

Namora pov

I remember when the humans came and destroyed the earth with their greed, the survivors like me had a purpose, to have a home, where no one could hurt us, where my cousin would grow strong and healthy, where attuma and I could protect our people. Since that day, I learned never to trust those on the surface, they were greedy, hateful, angry and above all they were manipulative.

She was like that, a born manipulator, I knew it from the moment I saw her, her curious and bold eyes possessed a certain innocence and ignorance but I knew it was a trap, y/n is a cheeky one, trying to fool me with smiles and sweet words, as if I were a little beta fish inside a little tank made for her to enjoy.

And even though I know she was trying to fool me, I can't deny it, I would like to make her have fun, make her smile more, hear her voice at night and feel her warmth.

She attracted me like fire attracts a butterfly.

Is she frustrating, an enigma, does she desire me, or does she just revel in my anguish, is that why she smiles whenever she sees me, does she mock me? Of course she does, humans like her are always malicious and deceitful.

Never trust a human, no matter how beautiful they are, how soft their skin looks, how sweet their lips look, and how beautiful their body looks. In another life she could be a mermaid, a charming and murderous mermaid, and I would give myself to her without fear. Not even the strong waves of the sea could buy with the strength of the desire my body feels for y/n, I need her like a fish needs water, and I could cling to her like water clings to sand.

I wish that on cold Talokan nights like today, my y/n was here, so that instead of my hand it was her hand gripping my breasts, so that it was her mouth kissing me, and that instead of my fingers it was her fingers and lips on me.

In the morning a thin layer of sweat covers my body, between my legs is a wet spot, a testament to my weakness for y/n. I let the water wash the sins from my body, and clean clothes cover the shame I carry. As soon as I leave my room I am again Namora, the cousin of the king, the warrior of Talokan and protector of my people.

"Good morning, attuma"

"Namora, good morning, k'uk'ulkan asked me to let you know that we will be leaving for Wakanda today, he wants to negotiate an alliance between the nations."

"We shouldn't trust them, they might attack us, we don't know what they really want from us."

"We will trust K'uk'ulkan, he would not put us in danger, you know that, Namora."

"I never doubted our king, I just don't trust them."

Your pov

Today I would see Namora again thanks to the meeting between Shuri and kukulkan, I would attend this meeting and the next ones since my purpose in wakanda is to gather information about Talokan, as a researcher and student of cultures and peoples I was recommended by my friend Bucky who owed some favors to Wakanda.

Of course I wore my best outfit, an orange dress with shiny stones. My excitement could explode in my body if I let it, it has been days without seeing her, I missed her, even though she doesn't even look at me and seems to avoid me like a plague.

When the sunlight and water touch my skin I see her slowly coming out of the water, her skin quickly turns blue in contact with the fresh air, the mask covers the lips I dream of every night, drops of water are all over her body and I think about how I envy them for being able to touch what I desire.

As Shuri and k'uk'ulkan talk I can't help but look at Namora, admire her silhouette and muster the courage to say something.

"It's a good day isn't it, Namora?"

"Hm"

"I mean, Shuri is excited about the possible alliance, and I think Talokan can benefit from this union" I smile, I would do anything to please her.

"You must not think anything, you are just a curious researcher, Talokan is none of your business"

A stab would hurt less, Namora leaves my side and walks to a small hut far away from all of us.

hit me and tell "you are mine".

I don't know why, but I like it.

My god you are divine.

Namora pov

Even though my body desires her, I repulse her, it's not fair, the way she tries to be nice to me, I don't understand why when it's clear that she only wants to mock me. Anger fills my mind and poisons my heart, she can't play with me.

"I didn't mean to offend you, I'm sorry if I said something wrong"

Y/n said as she walked into the cabin, it's funny the way she tries to fool me with her sweet voice.

"You shouldn't be here, I don't understand why you think you can have fun with me, I'm not a toy, girl."

"Namora, you got it wrong, I never meant to make fun of you or have fun with you"

"That's enough!", You're a cheeky one, coming here after me to lie to my face as if I'm going to believe you. You better get away from me or I'm going to make you regret trying to seduce me."

"I don't understand why you hate me so much, I just want to meet you."

There has never been a girl so beautiful.

"What for?, To use whatever you know against me?, To use me?, You people on earth are all the same."

Your pov

Now I realize why Namora hates me, she is afraid. When she tries to leave I stand in front of the exit preventing her from leaving, I look into her eyes and take courage to confess.

"Namora, I would never hurt you, I want you."

There has never been a girl so beautiful.

Do you think we'll ever be in love?

My dress is lying on the floor along with her outfit. I try to satisfy my hunger by touching her body as much as I can, smelling her black hair and even though I can't taste her mouth I settle for kissing her salty blue skin.

My hand grabs her breast while my mouth sucks the other one, my other hand slowly goes down her belly to her wet pussy, I start to touch it slowly moving my fingers in a circular fashion over her clit. The moans smothered by the mask drive me crazy, who would have thought that the Talokan warrior could be so needy.

"Are you okay, Namora?" I smile wickedly.

"Y/n"

My fingers enter her pussy and I focus on her blushing face and frowning eyebrows, she was beautiful.

Namora's moans got louder as I thrust my fingers into her, hungry I started licking her sweet pussy until I made her cum, I licked every drop of her wetness as I felt her squirm beneath me.

Without any shame I start rubbing myself against her shapely thigh wetting her with my arousal.

"Na-namora, I love you, you understand, I love you"

My eyes are half open, my eyebrows frown and my moans get louder. As I cum Namora looks at me, she seems to be enjoying the sight.

"Clean me off"

"Hm?"

"Use your tongue to clean my thigh, little girl"

Slowly my tongue slides down her thigh, licking every drop present. A grunt breaks from the Talokan warrior and I feel her placing me beneath her, at her mercy.

Namora pov

Looking at y/n's mouth I see some saliva, she was drooling, I wish I could taste her flavor but the mask prevents me, a cruel reminder of who we are, I belong to Talokan and she belongs to the land, not to me.

"If I'm too harsh let me know"

Without waiting for an answer I run my hand all over her body, I squeeze and slap her pretty breasts while my other hand touches her round ass until I reach her thighs, with strength I use my body weight to keep her legs open, I slap her thigh a little and start playing with her pretty pussy.

"Namo..ra"

"Yes, pretty girl?"

"Please"

Two fingers of mine enter her pussy, seeing her desperation I add two more, I see her arousal covering my hand, if she asked me to stop, I couldn't.

Her crying and needy image on the small bed of the cabin will stay in my mind forever, I allow myself one enjoyment, as soon as she cums in my hand, I remove my mask and clean her pussy with my tongue.

The difficulty of breathing fills me, but before I go back to my mask, I look at y/n, kiss her desperately, the first and last kiss.

You're no good for me.

But, baby, I want you, I do.

I've been waiting up all night.

It has been a few days since my meeting with y/n, when everything was over I left the cabin without saying anything, it may sound cruel, but I had nothing to say, we could never be together. Despite this, I made sure to say goodbye afterwards, I wrote a letter and left it in the sand for her to find.

___________________________________________

I don't love you anymore.

I'll be lying saying that

I still want you like I always wanted.

I am sure that

nothing was in vain.

I feel inside me that

You mean nothing.

I could never say

I nourish a great love.

I feel more and more that

I'm over you!

And I'll never use the phrase

I love you!

I'm sorry, but I have to tell you the truth

It's too late

By Namora

____________________________________________

Autora: Clarice Lispector "Não te amo mais"

(Read from Bottom to top now!)

I wonder, if I asked y/n to come with me, would she come, would she leave everything for me, could she love me even though I took her from her home?

Do you think we will be in love forever?

Ready for another lie?

She says it'll be alright.

One last encounter occurred, not in the way I expected, the war between Wakanda and Talokan had come, I would have to fight my y/n.

"Namora, please listen to me, I don't want it to end like this."

"There is no or way my sweet" Tears slowly fall from my eyes.

"Are you crying Namora?"

"Of course, I don't want to hurt you, but it is necessary, Talokan is my home, if you were from Talokan everything would be easier"

"Then take me with you"

We both know exactly what we are here for.

You're no good for me.

But, baby, I want you, I want you.

K'uk'ulkan and Shuri in the end gave up fighting and decided to unite, it's a relief, but it's not the solution to everything. Y/n asked me to take her to Talokan, but how could I ask my cousin the king of our people to allow me to bring someone from the surface to Talokan, how would I say that she was my lover, how would the people of Talokan react to this?

How would I Namora the warrior of Talokan tell my king and people that I fell in love with someone I should hate?

There is no happy ending, I should know by now, there is never a happy ending with the surface.

But I would like to try with my y/n, maybe in another life, where she would be a little mermaid and I would be a loyal little fish who would follow her to the end of the world.

Ready for another lie?

"We can find a solution, Namora"

"No, we can't, you belong to the land and I belong to the water"

There has never been a more beautiful girl.

You're no good for me.

But, baby, I want you, I want you.

Do you think we'll be in love forever?

It hurts to remember the sad and anguish face of my beloved y/n, my girl, my temptation, just mine.

"Please, Namora"

[doll3tt33]

So I got a revelation today when I was sitting in the toilet about a Kai Anderson bot, I don't know if it's possible or the idea it's not so specific 😭

But you think can you make something inspired with the part of the song of lana del rey ultraviolence? Specifically this part

"I love you the first time

I love you the last time

Yo soy la princesa, comprende mis white lines

'Cause I'm your jazz singer

And you're my cult leader

I love you forever

I love you forever"

OMG THANK YOU FOR YOUR AMAZING TOILET REVELATION

I always wanted to write something that’s song inspired!! Especially from ✨lana✨

Hopefully I won’t mess this up cuz I’m not really sure how to go about it, but I’ll figure something out! I’ll def work on this idea when I’m done with another Kai bot that’s in the works.

[francesderwent]

Cate darling do you have a top ten-ish smallville moments to You?

so I wrote down all the moments that were dear to me off the top of my head, and then I tried to rank them and that was impossibly hard, because they’re like apples and oranges!! so what I present to you is a series of top moments, sorted by relationship:

top 6 Lois and Clark moments:

the whoooole episode of “Committed”—Lois listening to her own drunk voicemail saying Clark Kent is the sweetest guy she’s ever known??—but especially the climax with the lie detector test: “Underneath it all, do you love this man? Do you love him? Tell the truth, do you love him?” And she answers “Yes”!!!!!!! talk about the revelation of secrets!!!!

when Clark has just gotten back from his self-imposed exile from humanity in “Metallo” and is at the Planet and Lois tells him “I helped the Blur stop a homicidal maniac” and Clark answers, “You know, I’d love to hear about it.” and then she comes over to excitedly perch on the end of his desk and tell him the whole thing and he’s just grinning at her and listening in total delight at who she is as a person!!!

the whole ridiculous scheme in “Hydro” where Clark dresses up as Green Arrow to convince Lois that Ollie isn’t Green Arrow and Lois makes out with him, and then at the end of the day Chloe’s like “tell him” and Lois says “Green Arrow is a phenomenal kisser, better than my boyfriend” and Clark, who just found out that Lana is having Lex’s child, is like “okay maybe today isn’t a total loss”

when Lois pulls the blue kryptonite out of him and then runs away and hides when he wakes up. I know this struck you and it really struck me!! the theme song for the whole show goes “somebody save me”, and Lois does it here!! she saves him exactly the way he always saves everyone else!!! and it goes to show that she understands why he doesn’t do everything in the light, why he doesn’t stick around to be thanked, why he doesn’t take credit. she’s his equal in this very specific way!!

weirdly I really like the bit in “Echo” where Clark can hear thoughts and hears Lois thinking “Why’d you have to get attached? They always leave.” because Lois really does have such a capable, brash exterior that the moments where her vulnerabilities show are so special and so important, and this instance of it just cuts to the heart so completely. 

the glimpse into the future in “Homecoming”!!!!! it’s everything that’s great about Superman.

top 4 Clark and Lex moments (admitting that a lot of the very early seasons have blurred into a mush in my brain):

this was already in my phone note draft before I saw you reblog it, but the scene in “Nemesis” where they’re fighting in the tunnels and Clark thinks Lex is storming off leaving him to die, but he actually went to go get a crowbar!! and Clark tells his mom he saw a glimpse of his friend!!! this is another “somebody save me” moment. and I think the episode treads the line really well between admitting that Lex’s behavior over the years has been shady, but that the shades of gray ultimately come from not having anything to compare to! so his love for Clark is flawed but it’s real!! it’s the truest love he’s ever known! my favorite thing about this relationship is how until the last moment, Lex never fully turns his back on Clark, he never stops wanting them to be friends again.

when Lex has just gotten back from the desert island (lol) in “Phoenix” and goes to the farm and the boys hug! Clark is so happy to see his friend alive!! Lex has somewhere to go where he is uncomplicatedly welcomed!

the “Lexmas” fantasy of Clark being an uncle to Lex’s son and Jonathan telling Lex he couldn’t be any prouder of him. I weep

the episode where Lex thinks Clark is his long-lost half-brother for a hot second. I maintain this delusion should have persisted for two or three seasons

top 7 Lex and Lana moments (it had to be done):

 the second timeline of “Reckoning” where Clark has decided not to tell Lana the truth about who he is and Lana flees to the mansion and asks Lex in an agonized voice, “I don’t understand. Why would you lie to someone you love?” and Lex says, like he’s confessing, “I wouldn’t.” this is such a perfect scene to me, in how it shows us that what’s been drawing Lex and Lana together this whole time is their similarities!! the parallels between them! Clark claims to love the one and hate the other but they are both on the outside dying to be let in because they both have been longing for love and belonging since they were kids. it’s just such a fascinating foundation for their relationship.

directly related, the scene in “Vessel” where Lex finds out he has superpowers and immediately, right away, goes straight to Lana and shoots himself in front of her so she knows what he’s become. the irony of this is so delicious. neither of them has a clue at this point, but the secret that Clark kept from both of them, the secret that brought them together, is the very same secret that Lex tells her right away, not for a scheme or to manipulate her, for no other reason than that he wants to share it with her. it makes me insane. this is the lexana dynamic I love. 

in “Onyx” when Lex goes to Lana’s apartment to apologize for whatever his evil twin did, and she says his other half “expressed certain desires” and he says “it wasn’t me,” and she shoots back “are you sure?” and then he gives the completely deranged response: “Whatever my feelings are, I would never do anything to jeopardize our friendship.” nobody asked him to bring feelings into this!! it’s like Lana said “your evil twin said he wanted to have sex with me” and Lex answered “wasn’t me, bc I love you and the purity of that love means I would never ever act on it.” I love when he’s honorable!

the scene in “Fade” where Lex has been on a business trip and says he’s glad to be home, and Lana says “what’s so special about Smallville?” And he starts naming stuff like “cows, cornfields” and then she grins and says “I missed you too.” and he says “You have no idea.” one of the things that seasons 6&7 seem to forget is that for five seasons, Lex and Lana consistently really enjoy each others company!! they like hanging out! this scene is my favorite instance of that. 

the “Lockdown” scene where Lana tells Lex he has to keep talking so he doesn’t pass out and he says “Do you think I’d look better with hair?” and she laughs and says “I’ve never thought about it.” and he says “I have. I’ve thought about a lot of things.” and then later when he’s gotten more delirious and starts telling her about his Lexmas dream of everyone being friends, “And you were there, you were the best part.” this episode is like a fanfiction in the best way.

all the “Lexmas” stuff. Lex’s face when Lana first kisses him so clearly says “oh fuck I’m going straight to hell” so watching him slowly relax into it, start believing that he can have this! that he can be loved and happy! that he can be a good husband and a good father! a good man! aaaahhhhhhh

the second episode of season 7 (and ONLY that episode lol) where Lex was on his repentance shtick and tracks down Lana and is like “I’m here to beg forgiveness. The fact that you framed me for your murder only makes me admire you more. You can kill me if you want. Seriously, shoot me. Also, I love you please come home.” it was such a Moment for Lex and I wish it could have gone somewhere!

Assorted moments:

the pierced hand cruciform fall at the end of s9. dare I say the only time a Smallville finale was thematically coherent and compelling?

Chloe’s litany of inside jokes with herself once she knows Clark’s secret and he doesn’t know she knows. and also just—her whole transformation once she finds out the secret!! she grows up into this unselfish person living life in service of mission all at once!!

the Chloe and Clark kiss heard round the world. it’s a great kiss and they deserve it lol 

EDIT: Chloe’s healing powers!!!!

[jungwnies]

hello mae! I’m sorry I was a lil mia for a second 🥴

these past few weeks have been nice, a few little bumps every now and then but overall good although i will admit the past few days I’ve been feeling a little sick and ngl it got me and my parents worried so I’m gonna get some blood tests taken during the weekend just to check that everything’s alright and verify that i just probably need some vitamins 🤞🏻🤞🏻

i also went on a walk with my sister the other day and omg i sooo needed that, it even rained a little bit and it was nice, she showed me this street where there’s a whole ass tree in the middle of it like right in the middle (say what now), she found it a couple of months ago on one of her morning walks and has told me about it but i only saw it a couple of days ago and we took some pictures posing in front of it cause this thing was also mASSIVE, not the biggest tree I’ve seen but one of definitely :0

i started korean classes again after two months ish and it’s actually very nice, it helps me keep practicing and studying even if im feeling lazy cause like that was the thing, i could totally study on my own but i just couldn’t (like some people nEED to get a gym membership otherwise they don’t workout, well i need my teacher assigning homework otherwise i won’t do it) ㅠㅠ

i also started journaling a little bit again and it helps a lot so im happy about that ^^

and lastly I’ve been listening to a lot of lana del rey (specifically her nfr album I LOVE ITT 😩😩) and donna missal (her new album “revel” 🤎🤌🏻)

now questions for youuu~

how have you been? how’s life treating you? (honest answers only but feel free to go as deep as you want hehe)

what’s your favorite meal these days? have you drank water today? (if no go now! 😤)

what’s your latest obsession? (any kind of) and lastly, which side of the bed do you sleep on? (very random but im writing this before going to sleep and now im curious, i used to sleep on th right side but now i just stick to the middle and end up on the left lol)

remember to take care of yourself, stretch, drink your liquids, eat your favorite meals/snacks, watch some shows/films, cry if u want to and get some sunlight on you if you can 🫶🏻🫶🏻

i love you maeby baby, have a nice day (and week) im rooting for you!! hehe💓💓

-🧸 anon

i also saw your message about your blood tests coming out okay, which i am so happy about! i wish you nothing but happiness and health omgomgomg.

oh my god, i saw ur message about the swift tickets and im sooo happy for you. i haven't been super active on tumblr, not sure why, just need a break from writing i am BURNT OUT!!! walks are always so refreshing, but in my state its sooo humid i hate walking i feel like bugs stick to my body every time i step outside, but i did go to the beach yesterday (who would've thought...) i am also a gym person who only goes if i have a membership, which is why i haven't gone because i haven't renewed... i AM SO LAZY LMFAO i also loveeee lana del rey, her music is sooo chef's kiss... literally

now to answer your questions :)

how have you been? how’s life treating you? life has notttt been bad recently, a few things here and there piss me off, but that's life??? not ready to start the semester again in september, i am literally dreading it LMFAO!?!?!? but it's okay, i'll stick it through and be successful (hopefully????) i'm going to another state in a few days for vacation so i'm super excited for that, need to get away from home!!!

what’s your favorite meal these days? have you drank water today? my favorite meal definitely has been rice and some sort of meat recently... or pasta!!! i really love carbs tbh, it's awful!?!?!? and yes i've drank some water, but i definitely need more. i appreciate the reminder <3

what’s your latest obsession? jungkook is my latest obsession... jk but also not jk?!?! his song with latto is so good, i was so worried it was going to sound off but i lowkey enjoyed it a lot? but to actually answer ur question i've been obsessed with valorant... i know yikes?!?!? but it's so fun... the last time i played was in like 2021 and i finally got back on and realized how much fun i have playing this game LOL

which side of the bed do you sleep on? i sleep on the left side... it's also the side closest to my door. i don't know why i can't sleep on the right side to be honest... usually i sleep farthest from the door, but i feel most comfortable on the side closest to my door.. but it is also the side closet to the wall LMFAO

remember to take care of yourself, stretch, drink your liquids, eat your favorite meals as well, and catch up on your fave shows and rewatch ur fave movies!! <3333

[cyarsk52-20]

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MUSIC

The 50 Best Weeknd Songs

From dark alt-R&B jams to sleek summer hits to synth-pop revelations, and beyond

BY 

TOMÁS MIER, WAISS ARAMESH, JULYSSA LOPEZ, CHARLES AARON, ANGIE MARTOCCIO, ELIAS LEIGHT, JON FREEMAN, MOSI REEVES, JON BLISTEIN, SARAH GRANT, JOE GROSS, SIMON VOZICK-LEVINSON, JON DOLAN, KORY GROW

FEBRUARY 14, 2022

IF YOU HAD “Siouxsie and the Banshees fan from Canada remakes R&B in his own image” on your Pop Music in the 2010s bingo card, congratulations! Abel Tesfaye came out of Toronto in 2011 with a stunning series of spacey, sepulchral EPs that proved the start of a landmark run. Pretty soon he was lacing summer hits, sharing tracks with Ariana and Lana, creating epic albums like After Hoursand this year’s excellent Dawn FM, and even playing the Super Bowl. To coincide with the release of his new Amazon special, The Weeknd x The Dawn FM Experience (available this Saturday), we’ve decided to honor the Weeknd’s decade of moody pop dominance, with our list of his 50 greatest songs. You’ve earned it!

50

‘Less Than Zero’ (2022)

KEVIN C. COX/GETTY IMAGES

‘Can we meet in the middle,” the Weeknd offers over the elegant romanticism of “Less Than Zero.” His despair has rarely sounded so vulnerable, and his need to connect has rarely seemed so genuine, as he reaches out further and further with each new ascending keyboard bloop. The result might be his greatest slow-dance entreaty. —J.D.

49

‘The Party & the After Party’ (2011)

FRAZER HARRISON/GETTY IMAGES

“The Party and the After Party” not only has a chipmunk sample of dream-pop duo Beach House’s “Master of None” at its center, but also a waltz-like rhythm reminiscent of the Velvet Underground’s “All Tomorrow’s Parties.” The Weeknd’s lyrics betray an impressive attention to detail. “Louis V bag, tats on your arms, high heel shoes make you six feet tall,” he croons. “But I’ve got what you need.” Midway through, the track switches to a highly sexual volley of vocal thrusts and flickering guitar, as he tries to illustrate “the feeling that I’ll give to you.” —M.R.

48

‘Save Your Tears,’ feat. Ariana Grande (2021)

YOUTUBE

Just when you think the Weeknd has finally released a vacuous little earworm of a pop song, he twists the knife. “I saw you dancing in a crowded room/You look so happy when I’m not with you,” he sings. It would be like if you took “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” and replaced Mickey Thomas with Sade. This love-forsaken-at-the-club song wouldn’t be anything without Grande. Together, their voices are indestructible, which makes this particular song all the more harrowing. —S.G.

47

‘Life of the Party’ (2011)

GUS STEWART/REDFERNS/GETTY IMAGES

Coming on like Smokey Robinson at a black mass, Tesfaye crooks a finger, howls into the death-rock void, and cues the riding-crop percussion. Is this just another dubiously consensual orgy between a rich, coked-out female fan and some fame-adjacent, coked-out music bros? Or does the woman actually represent Tesfaye’s conflicted feelings about his own career choices? Regardless, be careful out there, kids. —C.A.

46

‘Tears in the Rain’ (2013)

JEFF LOMBARDO/GETTY IMAGES

The Weeknd’s R&B plot twist is that his falsetto croon, cunning production, and vulnerable charisma offer a tender caress until you find out that love is really a serial killer hiding in the closet. Inspired by the replicant Roy Batta’s dying monologue in Blade Runner, this gorgeous ballad is a spectacular bell tower of distorted guitar and rippling synths that gives you goose bumps. Too bad you’re lying next to the toilet. —C.A.

45

‘The Fall’ (2011)

VINCE TALOTTA/TORONTO STAR/GETTY IMAGES

The foggy darkness of “The Fall” is a vintage remnant of the Weeknd’s bleakest, most sedated soundscapes. A chugging beat and ominous, choir-like vocals nearly drown him out, but his slightly moribund voice continues with the steely resolve of someone who intimately knows rock bottom. And though the production comes from his early-aughts mixtape era, it’s also ahead of its time, feeling like something that could easily soundtrack a depressing episode of Euphoria. —J.L.

44

‘Privilege’ (2018)

IRVIN OLIVARES/RCC/AGENCIA EL UNIVERSAL/GDA/AP

On this theatrical text to an ex, the Weeknd tries acceptance! Co-producer Frank Dukes suspends the mournful inamorato amid a swell of supportively filtered keys, and Tesfaye counsels himself to move on. But a fingersnap beat enters and he instinctively reaches for his old woes. Synths encase everything, his multitracked wail fades to vocoded static, and it’s clear: litigating sin is his one forever love. —C.A.

43

‘I Was Never There,’ feat. Gesaffelstein (2018)

KEVIN WINTER/GETTY IMAGES

It’s appropriate that the Weeknd at his most publicly distraught — after breakups with tabloid damsels Selena Gomez and Bella Hadid — would be soundtracked by elegant techno brutalist Mike “Gesaffelstein” Lévy. Hello, stylish dystopia. A piercing synth siren swoons and keens above clacking desolation; when the beat later brightens to a warped gurgle, Tesfaye turns spiteful, suicidal. Call it his safe space. —C.A.

42

‘La Fama,’ Rosalía feat. the Weeknd (2022)

YOUTUBE

Call him “El Fin de Semana.” The singer takes a complete turn from his typical R&B style as he joins Rosalía on the electro-bachata track about the downsides of fame. The Weeknd sings in perfect Spanish as his vocals channel the likes of bachata legend Romeo Santos. —T.M.

41

‘Heartless’ (2020)

YOUTUBE

This first single from the 2020 album After Hours finds our hero self-consciously returning to his baller ways, grabbing some of his pals (co-writers Metro Boomin, Illangelo, and Dre Moon), loading up on subdermal bass and trappin’ hi-hats and heading out for a night of licking toads, getting ladies high, and spilling whiskey on himself. Once again, he’s in full players-playing mode and he doesn’t make it sound very fun at all. —J.G.

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40

‘In Your Eyes’ (2020)

KEVIN MAZUR/MTV VMAS 2020/GETTY IMAGES

“I know it hurts to smile, but you try to,” Tesfaye croons to his dirty Diana through the smoky air. Can’t you feel the weight of his stare? “In Your Eyes” has such a suave Eighties groove, it takes real concentration to appreciate its manifold layers. Tesfaye mined late New Wave bands like Roxy Music, A-Ha, and Cocteau Twins for the song’s backbone, let Max Martin do his pop wizardry, and let the sax rip. —S.G.

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39

‘Adaptation’ (2013)

JOHNNY NUNEZ/WIREIMAGE

“Adaptation” is Kiss Land‘s most direct tour-life lament, essentially Massive Attack featuring the Weeknd, slightly pitch-shifted. Over a breakbeat loop, an eerie echo chamber, and a gnarled, ghostly sample of the Police’s “Bring on the Night,” Tesfaye explores his vocal range and imagines tipsy young models as vessels of pure, uncut love. It all sounds exquisite, but his regret is a false confession. —C.A.

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38

‘The Birds Pt. 2’ (2011)

GUS STEWART/REDFERNS/GETTY IMAGES

On the Weeknd’s most intense recorded reckoning, our unreliable narrator delivers a harrowing moral: Don’t fall for self-obsessed, predatory fiends (like me) or somebody will suffer. Forever. Producers Illangelo and Doc McKinney underscore the point — sobs and a gunshot bleed into reverbed whirlpools of decaying surf guitar, an unforgiving snare thud, and Marina Topley-Bird croaking “sandpaper kisses, paper-cut bliss” like Madame Lamort. Then the crows caw a bitter adieu. —C.A.

37

‘Pretty’ (2013)

YOUTUBE

One of the Weeknd’s cooler, earlier tricks is the goth level of melodrama with which he infused his work. “Pretty,” from his debut full-length, Kiss Land, takes an industrial level of synth dread and drum clatter and sets it to the time-honored tale of the road dog coming home to his partner, who may or may not have cheated. Conclusion: He’ll make you feel beautiful if only because it helps him keep the demons at bay. —J.G.

36

‘In the Night’ (2015)

THOMAS CONCORDIA/FILMMAGIC

The first song co-written with pop magus Max Martin, “In the Night” conjures an Eighties neon raincloud with a whoosh of drum pads, pulsing synths, clattering effects, and Visionquest pathos. Principally, it coaxes Tesfaye’s most openhearted vocal to date. His taut yet fluid phrasing (a nod to Thriller-era Michael Jackson) delivers the story of an abused sex worker with an unusually sincere ache. —C.A.

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35

‘Prisoner,’ feat. Lana Del Rey (2015)

CHELSEA LAUREN/WIREIMAGE

This criminally underrated duet is a true relic of the fleeting 50 Shades of Grey-era of 2010s gloom pop, sung and co-written by the genre’s foremost falsettos: the Weeknd and Lana Del Rey. “I’ve inspired her, she’s inspired me,” Tesfaye said at the time. “I feel like we’ve always been talking to each other through our music.” Together for the first time, they sing “I’m addicted to a life that’s empty and cold,” like two dark souls twisting in the wind. —S.G.

34

‘Crew Love,’ Drake feat. the Weeknd (2012)

IAN WEST/PA WIRE/AP

The remarkable opening of “Crew Love” is a true test for the Weeknd, pitting the singer’s siren call against a callous, punishing opponent — a mash of crashing cymbals that seems intent on crushing the life out of anything in its path. But the Weeknd’s sweet croon partially camouflages his own militance. His opening line is every bit as cruel and cutting as those cymbals: “Take your nose off my keyboard/What you bothering me for?” And once the Weeknd puts his enemies on their heels, he presses his attack. “This ain’t no fuckin’ singalong,” he snarls prettily. “So, girl, what you singing for?” —E.L.

33

‘Coming Down’ (2011)

TIMOTHY HIATT/WIREIMAGE

Emerging from the dusted carnage of “The Party & the Afterparty,” this might be Tesfaye’s most emotionally resonant performance. A cold wind blows past a twinkly, taunting mini-motif as various intoxicating agents exit his system. Racked with regret, he convincingly plays the fallen prince; his ah-ahs, la-la-las, and refrain of “I always want you when I’m coming down” are acutely relatable. —C.A.

32

‘Often’ (2015)

YOUTUBE

Over a tear-jerking sample of “Ben Sana Vurgunum,” by Turkish singer Nükhet Duru, the Weeknd boasts about the sexual freedom he gets by being a “young god” in his hometown of Toronto. “She asked me if I do this every day, I said often,” he sings on the chorus. The alt-R&B song gave fans their first taste of the leap forward he was making with Beauty Behind the Madness. —T.M.

31

‘Acquainted’ (2015)

PETER DEJONG/AP

Oh, the humanity? ? On this neoclassic Weeknd tale of compulsive wanderlust, boosted by Illangelo’s crisply cavernous, dubstep-tinged production, Tesfaye coos (and even cries out) with new vulnerability about whether a commitment to “real” love/life might be a risk worth taking. Answer: No, “but, girl, I’m so glad we’re acquainted.” —C.A.

30

‘Wanderlust’ (2013)

OWEN SWEENEY/INVISION/AP

“Wanderlust” hinted at the brightly uptempo, Eighties-inspired pop that eventually launched the Weeknd to superstardom.  Produced with help from DannyBoyStyles and DaHeala, it makes fanciful use of Dutch group Fox the Fox’s 1984 synth-pop hit “Precious Little Diamond,” as the Weeknd depicts a La Dolce Vita life that’s full of thrills and short on love and commitment. It’s a metaphor for the first rush of success, and a predictor of bigger fame to come. —M.R.

29

‘Love Me Harder,’ Ariana Grande feat. the Weeknd (2014)

When Republic Records introduced its hot new R&B act to the world, it used an old-fashioned tactic (Trojan Horse) the new-fashioned way: an Ariana Grande song. Produced by Max Martin, “Love Me Harder” is a coy, synth-driven jam about the joys of rough sex. What takes it to that next level is the indelible way Grande’s sumptuous vocals ricochet off of the Weeknd’s icy falsetto. Two great artists in their own right. But like Pat and Neil, these two just belong together. —S.G.

28

‘Loft Music’ (2011)

CHRISTIE GOODWIN/REDFERNS/GETTY IMAGES

“Loft Music” is one of Abel Tesfaye’s quintessential baby-making moments and a standout from his debut mixtape, House of Balloons. During the chorusless first half of the track, the Weeknd convinces a woman that “baby, it’s OK” for them to hook up, while the second half features a haunting, three-minute outro. —T.M.

27

‘Kiss Land’ (2013)

ARTHUR MOLA/INVISION/AP

Perhaps the Weeknd was worried his major-label debut wouldn’t be perceived as authentically malevolent. The title track settles that — a disorienting din of post-industrial drone and moan, plus oral-sex quips and a witchy brew of booze, blow, and pills. Cloudrap producer Silky Johnson sustains a K-hole of suspense so when Tesfaye cries, “Goddamn, I’m high,” it’s actually startling. —C.A.

26

‘King of the Fall’ (2014)

YOUTUBE

Released as a Soundcloud track and a YouTube video in commemoration of his 2014 “King of the Fall” Tour, this is a fan favorite that didn’t get added to streaming services until nearly six years later. It finds the Weeknd at his most insouciantly boastful: “’Bout to leave the crib with a couple of my pirates/Driving by the streets we used to walk through like a triumph,” he sings. Produced with help from Jason “DaHeala” Quenneville, “King of the Fall” has a thrilling, uncompromising edge. When he says, “If you ain’t with me, motherfucker, you against me,” you can feel the tension in his words. “Ain’t nobody can stop me.” —M.R.

25

‘What You Need’ (2011)

JOHNNY LOUIS/GETTY IMAGES

The Weeknd has said that “What You Need” is nothing more than a “sexy R&B song,” but that explanation underplays the kind of emotional power he conjures here. It opens with a loop from Aaliyah’s “Rock the Boat,” and centers on a raw and direct entreaty shorn of contemporary R&B gloss. When critics and fans refer to the Weeknd as a generational artist, particularly in his early years, it’s due to seductive performances like this. —M.R.

24

‘Try Me’ (2018)

MAHMOUD KHALED/AP

The Weeknd sounds alluring on “Try Me,” a highlight from 2018’s My Dear Melancholy. The EP swirls with romantic anguish and the singer’s high-profile breakups; “Try Me,” where he pleads for an ex-girlfriend to come back to him in haunting, gauzy tones, is no different. Some listeners speculated that this was his attempt to recapture his House of Balloons-era bona fides after the world conquering Starboy. But when he sings lyrics like “Once you put your pride aside, you know where to find me,” he sounds sincere. —M.R.

23

‘Moth to a Flame,’ Swedish House Mafia and the Weeknd (2022)

YOUTUBE

“Moth to a Flame” is a petty anthem, masking the bitterness with synth, and marks the Weeknd’s first (of hopefully many) collaboration with Swedish House Mafia. Abel’s vocals shine through a biting chorus that effectively ruins the current relationship of his ex. It should come as no surprise that a list of the Weeknd’s best songs doubles as a masterclass in toxicity. —W.A.

22

‘Snowchild’ (2020)

YOUTUBE

On a trap-chic stroll through the Weeknd’s hipster rags-to-branded-riches story (Morayama, Coachella, and Mercedes are name-checked), Starboy relies on the lovely lilt of his voice to redeem pop-rap groaners like “futuristic sex, give her Philip K. Dick.” And it does, buoyed by a suave whoosh here and chilly wobble there. —C.A.

21

‘The Morning’ (2011)

ROBB D. COHEN/INVISION/AP

Though the first drowsy lines of “The Morning” masquerade as expected Weeknd club sleaze, the song is a surprisingly radiant hustler’s anthem, catching him at an upbeat moment before the blowback from his late-night debauchery sets in. The electric squeals of a guitar follow him as he builds toward a bursting chorus — and once the peak hits, he sings with the carefree indulgence of someone throwing confetti made of dollar bills into the air. —J.L.

20

‘Shameless’ (2015)

JOHN SALANGSANG/INVISION/AP

Compared to the slick dance pop found elsewhere on Beauty Behind the Madness,“Shameless” is an outlier. A stripped-down acoustic ballad that has shades of peak-period Seal, “Shameless” is a triumph of cringe for the Weeknd. “I’ll always be there for you girl, I have no shame,” he swears to a sometime lover who doesn’t want anything from him except the oblivion of a good lay. It’s icky, and the slippery, pornographic guitar solo at the end only adds to the feeling of self-loathing sleaze. —J.F.

19

‘After Hours’ (2020)

YOUTUBE

If there’s a song that captures the Weeknd’s determined progression from brooding club lurker to incandescent pop king, it’s “After Hours,” which starts with echoey synth acrobatics from his early releases. A dance beat trickles in slowly — just hints of it at first — and eventually takes over, thrusting the Weeknd closer to the melodic maximalism that swept him up and blasted him to superstardom. —J.L.

18

‘How Do I Make You Love Me?’ (2022)

RICH FURY/GETTY IMAGES

It takes a lot of skill to make desperation sound catchy, but the Weeknd barely bats an eye as he combines iridescent synth-pop with his urgent, pleading falsetto on “How Do I Make You Love Me.” Just when it seems like he’s reached a breaking point, the song becomes a freeform experiment in electro blips and bleeps that seamlessly transitions into “Take My Breath,” highlighting the tightknit sonic universe of Dawn FM. —J.L.

17

‘Hardest to Love’ (2020)

CHRIS O'MEARA/AP

There’s something singular about “Hardest to Love,” its drum and bass break beat setting it apart from nearly everything else in the Weeknd’s catalog, to say nothing of the North American pop charts (it would obviously feel less out of place in the U.K.). Yet the song doesn’t feel like some tossed off genre experiment or blatant play for a new audience. It remains a quintessential Weeknd tune, that distinct drum and bass groove paired perfectly with woozy, weeping-willow synths and Tesfaye’s heart-melting, self-flagellating vocals. —J.B.

…

16

‘Reminder’ (2016)

YOUTUBE

A response to those criticizing his pivot to a mainstream sound after Beauty Behind the Madness, The Weeknd returns to his vibey, R&B origins, promising he’ll reinvent himself as many times as he wants to. And boy, has he succeeded at it. T.M.

15

‘Call Out My Name’ (2018)

YOUTUBE

After “Earned It” became a massive commercial success, it’s no surprise that the Weeknd returned to the same well a few years later — “Call Out My Name” is another slow-drip ballad set in 6/8 time. But where “Earned It” had those peppy strings and uplifting message (“Girl you’re perfect, you’re always worth it”), “Call Out My Name” is desolate and hollowed out, a parched tale of dependency and despair shot through with the Weeknd’s piercing, anguished wails. “I said I didn’t feel nothing baby,” he sings. “But I lied.” —E.L.

14

‘Sidewalks,’ feat. Kendrick Lamar (2016)

YOUTUBE

“Sidewalks” finds the Weeknd wryly recounting his ascent from growing up without a father and experiencing homelessness to the pop mainstream. “My flow too sick, Kevin Costner couldn’t touch me,” he trills in an Auto-Tuned voice over a guitar-inflected Doc McKinney beat. Meanwhile, Kendrick Lamar responds with a bouncy verse that flips Starboy’s theme about prodigious appetites. “It wasn’t just a random Kendrick Lamar verse,” the Weeknd told Beats 1’s Zane Lowe in 2016. “It was something special.” —M.R.

13

‘Tell Your Friends’ (2015)

YOUTUBE

This track was originally co-produced by Mike Dean and intended for Kanye West, who co-produces and raps on the bridge here. Framed by a coolly twilit soul sample, Tesfaye croons a list of  basic starboy gripes. but quickly the lyrics grow belligerent, as stabbing piano chords propel an antihero eruption. “Don’t believe the rumors, bitch, I’m still a user,” he smirks, as if he’s pimp-strutting on the ledge. —C.A.

12

‘House of Balloons / Glass Table Girls’ (2011)

FILMMAGIC

The second half of this track is one of the most viscerally affecting entries in the Weeknd’s whole catalog, as icy and thunderous as an avalanche. He throws himself into the world beyond blotto: Faces are blurring, the drunks are getting mean, and the threat of violence fills the air. The Weeknd’s voice has always drawn comparisons to Michael Jackson’s, but “Glass Table Girls” draws its lineage back to Prince at his most paranoidly perfect. —E.L.

11

‘I Feel It Coming,’ feat. Daft Punk (2016)

YOUTUBE

The stunning closer from Starboy, the Weeknd’s Michael Jacksonesque voice flows freely over Daft Punk’s retro-futuristic, Eighties-inspired disco-pop production. Lyrically, the Weeknd sheds his lustful approach to sex as he assures the object of his desire that she shouldn’t be so afraid of falling in love. —T.M.

10

‘Starboy,’ feat. Daft Punk (2016)

YOUTUBE

After the world-conquering success of Beauty Behind the Madness, the Weeknd could have worked with anyone. He chose Daft Punk’s Thomas Bangalter and Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo, who lent an attractive electro gloss to his next chart-topping smash, French-filtering his vocals on the hook as he literally laughed his way to the bank. With its winking lyrics about old Star Trek movies and ivory lines on ebony tables, “Starboy” was also the Weeknd’s chance to show that pop stardom hadn’t changed him — it just made him even cockier. —S.V.L.

9

‘Take My Breath’ (2022)

YOUTUBE

It figures that one of the Weeknd’s most straightforwardly danceable songs would be about a kink so intense that it can literally cause death. Propelled by the titanic melody of Max Martin and collaborators Belly, Andrea Di Ceglie, Luigi Tutolo, and Oscar Holter, “Take My Breath” throbs with the insistent kick drum, funky guitar, and arpeggiated synths of classic Giorgio Moroder. Tesfaye coos soulfully, deploying his upper register while describing a woman who asks to indulge a fantasy that sounds a lot like erotic asphyxiation. “Bring me close to heaven, babe,” she tells him. The extended version on Dawn FM features an instrumental breakdown that shreds Tesfaye’s voice into a guttural wail, further blurring the line between ecstasy and horror. —J.F.

8

‘Earned It (Fifty Shades of Grey)’ (2015)

YOUTUBE

Wherein the most sexually explicit songwriter of the PornHub era makes the lead single for the Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack. “Earned It” (and a very-NSFW video) introduced perfectly Tesfaye’s silk-sheets vibe to mainstream ears. Written in D-minor, which, as  Spinal Tap taught us, is the “saddest key,” “Earned It” is  a Grammy-winning chart-topper full of strings severe and seductive, that falsetto and, of course, a love too weird to last. —J.G.

7

‘High for This’ (2011)

JOHN SALANGSANG/INVISION/AP

“You want to be high for this,” trills the Weeknd on the opening track of his first, career-launching House of Balloons mixtape. It’s a perfect introduction to the Weeknd’s groundbreaking aesthetic: an opiate atmosphere, a sound that hovers between darkwave and bedroom R&B, and endless sensorial delights. Cirkut’s beat is a synthesized whirl of throbbing, stop-start percussion and eerie, organ-like keys, all fodder for the Weeknd to red-pill his listeners: “Open your hand/Take a glass/Don’t be scared/I’m right here.” —M.R.

6

‘Can’t Feel My Face’ (2015)

YOUTUBE

One of the Weeknd’s biggest hits was a dashed-off afterthought. Tesfaye was hanging out with some of his songwriting collaborators, listening to “some modern, disco-y influenced tracks,” as he once said, when they all felt the urge the jam. The whole song — three and a half minutes of R&B-inflected pop with a bouncy, beautifully numbing chorus that may or may not be about cocaine — came together in 40 minutes at the end of Tesfaye’s Beauty Behind the Madness sessions and almost didn’t make the cut. But Tesfaye believed in the song, which became a Number One hit and has since been certified eight-times platinum. —K.G.

5

‘Blinding Lights’ (2019)

YOUTUBE

No pop sound is too dated for the Weeknd to have some fun with: As long as it’s got a little sparkle, he’ll find a way to use it. “Blinding Lights” broke chart records by leaning all the way into a synth-pop jingle that sounds like a Eurovision contender or a mid-2000s ringtone, singing the hell out of each hook in a vaguely Goth accent and daring you to call him cheugy. It’s so spectacularly catchy, you’ll never get the chance. —S.V.L.

4

‘Wicked Games’ (2011)

YOUTUBE

The Weeknd’s first single is a sensual, slow-grooving meditation on coming of age — feeling comfortable in your own skin and grappling with differences between love and lust, but “only for tonight.” In the space of five and a half minutes, Tesfaye tells a movie-length story: He’s just broken up with his girl, he took out all his cash and spent it on coke and his date, and he just wants to feel like a human being. “Bring your love, baby, I could bring my shame,” he sings. “Bring the drugs, baby, I could bring my pain, I got my heart right here.” It’s heavy stuff for a pop song, and it established him as an artist who could tackle Big Problems in a way that makes you want to sing along with him. —K.G.

3

‘Escape From LA’ (2020)

KEVIN MAZUR/MTV VMAS 2020/GETTY IMAGES

Nine years after the Weeknd declared “Cali is the mission” on “The Morning,” he backtracks on this cautionary tale, revisiting a theme that’s prevalent throughout his discography: an obsession over the Hollywood lifestyle that’s just as strong as his contempt for it. Four minutes in, the vibe switches (getting somehow darker) and the Weeknd tells the tale of a Chrome Hearts-clad woman who waits for him to cut his verse before moving on to … other activities. Considering how good this song turned out, we appreciate her patience. —W.A.

2

‘Gasoline’ (2022)

YOUTUBE

Tesfaye has always been great at packaging pop thrills in deep despair (and vice versa). The nihilistic despair of this Dawn FM gem is neatly tucked away in the song’s gasoline-soaked sheen. Even its darkest lines — from “I know you won’t let me OD” to “In this game called life/We are not free” — are barely detectable in the midst of all that New Wave euphoria, like the Weeknd had too much fun getting high to the Cars. Please cover “Drive” next. —A.M.

1

‘The Hills’ (2015)

YOUTUBE

A sound-design masterpiece and the quintessential Weeknd hit, with all the pop instincts of his crossover blockbuster era and all the sleaze and self-loathing of his avant-R&B early years. “The Hills” mesmerizes and rebukes like a MIDI-enabled version of Francisco Goya’s Saturn Devouring His Son.Tesfaye limps through fame’s panopticon before launching into a falsetto war of the spirit (“When I’m fucked up, that’s the real me,” he wails). Somehow, this meticulous smear of muted screams, tolling bells, growly sub-bass, and filtered-to-hell synths reached No. 1 and was eventually certified diamond (10 million copies sold). —C.A.

IN THIS ARTICLE:

The Weeknd,

Weeknd

MUSIC

MUSIC LISTS

Sent from my iPhone

[uwusillygirl]

oh mentioning lana just reminded me that i've been wanting to share/rec molly burch's cover of needy as a fof chrissy song, it definitely took me a few listens to come around to the stylistic choices bc its so different from the original, but maybe it could be up your alley maybe not - sbs

ooo it’s cool!!! def a chrissy song. she’d be HUGE on ariana grande … this is another revelation …

[independentartistbuzz]

Lenni Revel Makes a Musical Comeback with “Where There Ain’t No Sun”

Lenni Revel is the epitome of the phoenix, rising from the ashes, from her own pain and despair. She is set to release her 8 song album, Unbroken, a collection of songs that reclaims her love for music and represents a rebirth from the clutches of mental health struggles, drug use, and the music industry machine. 

She just released her first single from Unbroken, “Where There Ain’t No Sun.” It’s a folk rock song that leads with the guitar. As the song unfolds, we get more instrumental layering. It’s dynamic and symbolic of the flow of grief. It has a Miley Cyrus meets Lana Del Rey sound to it. But the most captivating part of the song is Lenni. 

Lenni’s voice is unmatched. It’s emotive, strong, and enticing. She doesn’t just give you goosebumps when you hear her song, but you can absolutely feel every lyric and every note she sings. She is able to transcend the separation of listener and streaming and creates a sense of intimacy within, not just her voice, but with her songwriting.

“’Even loneliness is tired of me; there’s a space we used to love in that I want to be.’ This line from the song ‘Where There Ain’t No Sun,’ says it all,” shares Lenni. “Grief, loss, sorrow, and mourning—these are all part of the cost of having truly loved in this world. Holding close to our hearts those we lose physically forever is a precious task, and one we can all relate to. ‘Where There Ain’t No Sun’ encourages to be fierce in our loving while we still have one another in the flesh, so the personal loss of a beloved will never arrive at abject despair.”

Listen here: https://soundcloud.com/user-183415309-92983796/where-there-aint-no-sun/s-7Zimfl7bf5P?utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing

Connect with Lenni Website / Instagram / Facebook / Twitter / YouTube / TikTok / Spotify / Soundcloud

[lunapaper]

Album Review: 'I Can't Let Go' - Suki Waterhouse

It’d be easy to write off Suki Waterhouse as just another Lana Del Rey. 

Both communicate in smoky, lingering torch songs. They dedicate their disaffected odes to cruel but charismatic lovers. They also revel in Hollywood absurdities but manage to make them feel strangely relatable. And like Del Rey, Waterhouse has that swinging retro vibe – no wonder she’s set to star in the upcoming TV adaptation of Taylor Jenkins Reid’s Daisy Jones and the Six. 

But Waterhouse is no sad girl. 

On her debut album, I Can’t Let Go (released via Sub Pop), the British singer/actress turns her lovelorn vignettes into something truly cathartic, luxuriating in heartbreak rather than letting it consume her. 

‘I’m tired of keeping all my feelings to myself,’ she sighs on the brittle beauty of ‘Put Me Through It,’ reflecting on the highs and lows of an all-consuming romance. She ‘Moves’ in mysterious ways though a sluggish dream pop haze filled with longing and regret, recalling the night Jack White told Waterhouse she looked like Suzi Quatro. In the midst of a ‘Melrose Meltdown,’ she’s crying on top of an ex’s ‘milk white sheets,’ ‘hoping one day we’re married/In a house you’ll build around me,’ channelling Chemtrails-era Lana with its hazy, cinematic swells and dreams of domestic bliss.  

She’s okay with a little history repeating on ‘Devil I Know,’ pleading ‘Tell me I’m the one you can’t forget.’ ‘On Your Thumb’ is drowsy late-night regret, that moment in the back of the cab after the party when your eyeliner is smudged and there’s a lump in your throat, fighting the urge to revisit the past (‘But I didn't wanna see you/Requite the feelings just for myself, I guess’). ‘Wild Side’ is also a breathless psych-rock enigma as Waterhouse feels a lover slipping from her fingers. ‘The chapter’s close, but not the door,’ she notes, ‘I know you’re thinking of somebody else.’ 

Waterhouse’s California dreaming is most evident on the sun-kissed gem, ‘Bullshit on the Internet,’ the most upbeat and most self-aware track on the record as the singer scrolls through the Daily Mail website (probably) and sees pics of a famous ex with his new girlfriend, questioning the validity of their relationship (‘If I read between the lines right, you're mine/It looks like you love her online’). 

‘Blessed,’ however, ends the record on a more hopeful note. 

‘I wasted time on all the little things,’ Waterhouse admits, ’Then shed a tear so I could grow some wings,’ blessing the child within that still needs mothering and the father that told her she could be something, before serenely fading into the static. Though not totally untangling herself from her personal and romantic crises, it provides Waterhouse with some semblance of closure as she transitions into her thirties, weary but with a newfound resilience.  

‘Jumping into those anxieties helped me feel free,’ Waterhouse recently stated in an interview with NME. ‘That’s not to say suddenly everything became super joyous and easy, but I think if you want to stay in that state of creativity, the whole thing is, a lot of the time, it’s not a great place to be at all. That’s what has to be appreciated – the pockets of bliss are small and it’s the muddiness in between and the willpower to jump into the fear [that lead you to them].’ 

She embodies this attitude well on I Can’t Let Go. With help from ‘indie’s secret weapon,’ producer Brad Cook, Waterhouse paints these anxieties and insecurities in such blissful, languorous strokes, with songs restlessly unfurling like a dusky fever dream. Influences like Del Rey and Mazzy Star are obvious, but there are also hints of Fiona Apple, 60s girl pop and even classic rock and country. 

At times, the album can feel adrift in its sea of simmering indie cool. But with its vivid storytelling and vintage feel, I Can’t Let Go proves Waterhouse to be a formidable talent in her own right... 

- Bianca B. 

[socalwriterbee]

Confessions Part 4

Catch up on Confessions

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Book: The Nanny Affair

Characters: Marie Castro x Sam Dalton, Jordan Le, Jenny

Rating/Warning: Teen+, Some Adult Language

Word Count: 2,339 +

Song Mention:

You Oughta Know By Alanis Morissette

Si Una Vez By Selena

Summary: After a breakup, Marie seeks her best friend out.

A/N: Songs that were mentioned are in italic. Tried to my best to translate the part of Si Una Vez as best I could.

Tag: @thenannyaffair-fanfics

Characters belong to Pixelberry

********

Marie patiently waited for her friend to respond to her message. If anyone can help make things better it was her best friend.

Jenny squeals as soon as she swings the door open, really finding her best friend standing before her with a new look.

“Marie, how is it possible for you to look like a thousand times better in person?” Jenny hugs her tightly, gently pulling at the ends of her hair, not knowing if she really just a chopped off a good amount of her hair.

“You can stop pulling my hair. I really did cut it.” She laughs at her friend. “Are you gonna let me in? The champagne is waiting.”

Jenny releases her, pushing her to arms length, really taking in her friends new look. Skin tight black pleather pants paired with black Louboutin pumps, a revenge red colored crop top and her newly cut hair.

Jenny drags her by the hand and leads them into the apartment, slamming the door behind them.

“Don’t kill me Marie, but you didn’t happen to bring any orange juice?” Jenny asks, making her way across the island.

Marie shakes her head at her best friend, she wasn’t surprised Jenny didn’t have anything in her apartment. She had been the one who would stock up the fridge and cabinets with food. If it had been up to Jenny, they would only have vodka in the freezer. One she would bet a good amount of money on that being the only thing in the freezer right now.

“Jenny, do you at least have something to nibble on while we drink?” Marie asks.

She places the two bottles of champagne down on the counter, watching Jenny open and close the cabinets, then moves to the fridge.

“Here put this one in the fridge while I open this one. We’ll just order something to be delivered.” She tells Jenny, handing her one of the bottles.

“I have apples.. well an apple.” Jenny points to her sad looking fruit basket.

“One that seems to be well past being edible. it’s beginning to shrivel up.”

The popping sound of the cork makes Jenny jump, pulling out two glasses and handing them to Marie. After pouring and ordering some food, Marie kicks off her heels and takes her usual spot on the sofa, when one of them is going through a breakup, tucking one leg under the other. Jenny takes the opposite side of the sofa.

“What do we toast too?” Jenny asks.

“The future.”

Marie raises her glass to meet her friends, clinking their glasses together. Jenny eyes her with some concern, wondering what her friend had been through in the last twelve hours or so.

“To the future.”

Jenny takes a good drink of the champagne, while Marie tosses her full glass back, the bubbles tickling the back of her throat, leaving it empty and reaching for the bottle to pour more.

“So Marie, what the hell happened? Wasn’t everything going well between you two?” Jenny asks while tapping her well manicured nails on the fluted glass, impatiently waiting for her to answer.

“Is this situation fit for just drinking champagne? Or do I pull out the Vodka from the freezer?”

“It’s a start. It’ll get the job done.” She gives Jenny a wide grin. “Like I told you, it’s over between me and Sam.”

“How? Why?” Jenny sits up a bit straighter, again waiting for an explanation.

“Sam caught me kissing Jordan.” Marie tosses another glass back. “No.. No..” She wiggles her finger at Jenny “Sam walked in on Jordan kissing me.”

“Why would Jordan do that?”

“He confessed he has feeling for me.”

“No!” Jenny mouths drops open at the revelation.

Marie just nods her head. Last night coming back to her, making her head spin. “That’s not all, he told me Sam was seeing Lana behind my back.”

“That uptight blonde from the house warming party, the mother of one of Mason’s friends?” Jenny asks.

“The one and the same.”

“I’m gonna need you to start from the beginning and everything in between that led you to..to this new look and you chugging champagne like its grape juice.” Her friend said.

Taking a deep breath, Marie began the events of last night from Jordan surprising her at work to him telling her how he feels about her. The moment Sam walked in on them, him storming out, not waiting to hear an explanation of what he saw. It felt like she had been talking for hours, the one break Marie took was to get the other bottle of champagne while Jenny got the food they ordered.

“You need to try this hash..it's amazing.” Jenny hands her the container, as she takes the one Marie had in her hands.

“He just walked away. Left me there standing like a fool. All because he wants space. Because I believe or believed he would cheat on me. But look at how we started, Jen. He was engaged.” Taking a spoonful of the corned beef hash, the different textures from soft to crispy pieces to the exploding flavors of the salty, spiced and sour make her moan in agreement with Jenny.

“Sweetie, don’t get mad at me but.. are you sure he wanted to end things?”

Marie notices a shift in her friend, shaking her head at Jenny. She played Sam’s words again and again last night.

“I’m positive. He wanted to slow things down, wanted space. As far as I know we’re done.”

Jenny stayed silent.

“You don’t understand, wanting to slow things down from a relationship in the dark, a relationship a handful of people knew about. That’s what he meant Jen.” Marie snaps at her.

“Ok.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to..” Marie trails off.

“Don’t worry about it. Besides I got something, that always works.”

The look that appeared on Jenny’s face was a mischievous one, one she knew all too familiar, it was the same one she would give her when Jenny was going through a rough time with a guy.

Getting up from the sofa she walks away, coming back in a few seconds with a full bottle of vodka. She grabs her phone, connecting it to the sound system.

Marie hid her face in the palms of the hands, knowing what was about to come. “Oh no!! no..no..no!” She shook her head.

“yes…yes.. yes” Jenny begins to dance before the music starts. “Come on Marie, this song has gotten us..ok mostly me through breakups.”

The beat of Alanis Morissette’s ‘You oughta Know’ fills the apartment..

An older version of me

Is she perverted like me

Would she go down on you in a theater

Marie began bobbing her head to the beat as the song went on, until she jumps up and stands on top of the couch with Jenny, the both of them singing at the top of their lungs.

And every time I scratch

My nails down someone else’s

Back I hope you feel it

Well can you feel it

Well I’m here to remind you

Of the mess you left when

You went away…You

You..oughta know

As the song comes to an end, adrenaline runs through Marie, ok mostly the alcohol they had been drinking. But at this point it’s what she needed to get every feeling out of her system. Jenny’s breakup playlist continues to play and after finishing the second bottle of champagne, they made it to the bottle of vodka

They didn’t care how loud they were singing or the noise they made from dancing and the things that hit the floor after bumping into them. It was something they did, two best friends trying to help the other navigate through this moment in life.

“There’s a song.. a song.. I want to add..add..yeah” The words coming out of Marie’s mouth a bit slurred.

She grabbed the phone from the coffee table, trying to focus on searching for the song. Swaying back and forth, she jumped with drunken glee once having found it. The Marachi/Cumbia infused ballad came through the speakers, her hips moving to the Cumbia beat.

“Yass.. Get it girl.” Jenny encouraged her as she sat down, taking a little breather.

Marie did her best Selena impression, twisting and doing flamenco moves. She began singing.

Yo, Te di todo mi amor y más

(I gave you all my love and more)

Y tú, No reconoces ni lo que es amar

(And you won’t recognize what it is to love)

Si una vez dije que te amaba, hoy me arrepiento

(If I told you once that I loved you. Today, I regret it)

Si una vez dije que te amaba, no sé lo que pensé, estaba loca

(If I told you once that I loved you. I don’t know what I was thinking, I must’ve been crazy)

Si una vez dije que te amaba

(If I told you that I loved you)

Y que por ti la vida daba

(And that I’d give my life for you)

Si una vez dije que te amaba, no lo vuelvo a hacer

(If I told you that I’d loved you. I won’t do it again)

Ese error es cosa de ayer

(It was an error that was made in the past)

Jenny cheered her on until the end, not knowing what her best friend just sang and danced her heart out too.

After a moment of trying to catch her breath, she watched as Marie fell to her knees and began crying, her body shaking as it released every emotion she had bottled up. The act of trying to be strong came crashing down around her. She went to her and hugged her, whispering that it’ll all be ok.

******

Once she had sobered up somewhat, Marie called an Uber to take her back home, against Jenny’s best efforts to try and make her stay. They had come to an agreement of her moving back in. She wasn’t going to live in a place Sam was paying for besides she couldn’t afford the rent on her salary.

Making her way to her apartment, her vision a bit impaired, she fumbled through her bag for the keys, jingling as they fell to the floor.

“Shit.”

Bending down to get them, she stumbles a bit to the side, balancing herself against the wall before she could trip and fall over her own feet. The vodka and champagne still running through her system, she could make it, once she got up it was only a few more steps, she told herself.

Marie noticed a pair of shoes making their way towards her, her gaze began to travel until they stopped on grey eyes, his lips a thin line. He was reaching down to help her.

“I don’t need your help!” She put a hand out, stopping him before he could touch her. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“Come on Marie, let me help you up.” Sam voiced calmly but filled with a bit of concern for her well being. “How did you get here? How much have you had to drink? And your hair, it looks..”

“What’s it to you? I’m a bit more sober then I was earlier. I’m perfectly..perfectly fine.”

Marie stood up too quickly and stumbled, she felt Sam wrap an arm around her waist, supporting her weight against his body. Grabbing her keys, he leads them into her apartment.

“Just stand there for a moment while I lock the door. I’ll take you to bed..I mean..uh help you into bed.”

“I’m fine Sam, I’m inside this beautiful penthouse you got for your mistress.” She twirls around, showing him the space around her. “So, you can see your way out. You can stand on the other side of the door to make sure it gets locks.” Marie hiccups, maybe she wasn’t as sober as she thought.

“I’m not going anywhere until I know you’re ok.”

Sam makes his way past her, grabbing her by the wrist and leading her towards the bedroom. Letting her go, he begins tossing pillows off the bed keeping just two. He pulls back the comforter to allow her to crawl in.

“Oh that’s real nice of you Mr. Dalton. Do you do that for all your employees?” Marie asked staring at him as he reaches for her.

“Get into bed, you need to sleep your over-indulgence off. I’ll be here when you wake.”

Marie starts to undress, pulling her top over her head.

“What are you doing?” The words coming out as a raspy whisper from Sam.

Marie stares at the man that left her. She was going to show him what he was going to miss. She began by taking off the heels that had been killing her since putting them back on. She unbuttoned and unzipped her pants, slowly lowering them and stepping out of them. Marie stood there in a see through black lace bralette and matching thong.

She could feel Sam’s burning gaze taking her in. She heard his breathing hitch and a smile came across her lips.

“I’m just getting ready for bed, Mr. Dalton. Just like you said.” She says coyly.

Walking pass him, running her finger tips across his chest. She climbs into bed, the softness of her sheets envelope her semi-naked body.

As she begins to doze off, the side of the bed shifts under her. “What are you doing here?” She asked him again.

She didn’t hear Sam respond, so she kept going.

“You shouldn’t be here. It’s over between us.” She yawns as her eyes begin too close. “Sam? Are you still here?”

Marie could feel her back pressing against the side of his leg. Sam caresses the newly cut strands of her hair.

“I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere..” He whispered.

“Can you do one last thing for me?”

“Whatever it is, I’ll do it Marie..I’m sorr..”

“Don’t fire Jordan.” She said before her eyelids became too heavy to keep open and slips into a deep slumber.

[jalapeno-princess]

Second Chances

CEO Mark Tuan X Chef Reader

Word Count: 18.5K (Damn this is the longest imagine I’ve ever written I didn’t even realize how long it was)

Genre: Ex’s to Lovers, angst, fluff

Summary: There were no words to describe the love you and Mark had for one another. You were an aspiring chef and after graduating high school and going straight in to culinary school, everything seemed to be falling in to place for you. You were pursuing your dream career with the love of your life by your side. You felt as if life was going perfectly for you. That was until one night, something happens at a dinner party where he finds himself having to choose between you and his family and by choosing his family, he lost you. Years later, after starting up your own restaurant and becoming an extremely successful and renowned chef, your first catering client just so happens to be your ex-boyfriend and his soon to be wife.

A/n: Hey guys! A bitch is back and dying here in this quarantine. I hope you are all doing well. I AM SO FUCKING SHOOK OVER THEIR COME BACK LET ME TELL YOU I AM NOT BEING BIASED BUT THIS IS MY BABY MARK’S COMEBACK UGH DO NOT GET ME STARTED THAT MAN IS OTHERWORLDLY AND WE DON’T DESERVE HIM. Anyways, this imagine is based on the song “Once upon a dream” by Lana Del Rey and I don’t know why but lately, all her songs have been reminding me of Mark (I literally wrote at least 10 Mark imagines based on her songs ugh I can’t get over her last album and how almost every single song makes me think of Mark) I’m #sorrynotsorry this is so long but I hope you all enjoy! This is honestly the reason why I’m failing in my marine science class BUT WHATEVER (BTW, if you’re a JB stan, I suggest you stay away. Don’t say I didn’t warn you)

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream I know you, that look in your eyes is so familiar a gleam And I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem But if I know you, I know what you'll do You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream

“Hey boss, there’s a lady on the line. She’s wondering if we can cater to her wedding.” You smiled politely at your sous chef as he popped his head in to your office and silently thanked him before picking up the phone. 

“Thank you for calling Sunrise Restaurant, this is y/n. How may I help you today?” 

A soft and gentle voice quickly answered. “Hello. I’m a big fan of you and your cooking. I’ve been to your restaurant many times and I think your food would be perfect to serve to the guests at my wedding. Do you guys cater?”

You took a second to think about it. You owned a decent sized restaurant, but the amount of chefs you had were enough to cook for your customers. There were three sous chefs, two prep cooks and one line cook. No one has ever asked you to cater for an event before, so you didn’t think you and your team, no matter how talented and hard working they all were, were capable of taking on such a task. However, the thought of it did excite you. If things were to be a success and the guests of her wedding were to appreciate your food the way the lady on the phone seemed to, your restaurant would become even more successful this bringing in so much more customers. Without a second thought, you found yourself agreeing. 

“When is the wedding and approximately how many people are you planning on inviting?” The line went silent for a few seconds before she spoke up again. 

“It’s in August and I’m expecting at least 150 people. Is that okay?” You hummed in agreement while writing it down. Once you were finished with the call, you’d have to alert your team beforehand even if her wedding wasn’t for another five months. 

“Would you mind coming in sometime this week so we could talk about the menu?” Although you couldn’t see her, the way her pitch increased made it known that she probably had a huge grin on her face. 

“Of course! I’ll call you again to set up an appointment with you. You don’t know how much this means to me! Thank you so much! Have a wonderful day.”

As soon as you hung up, you released a long sigh. Sure, you were always up for a challenge, but you should’ve consulted with your fellow chefs before signing them up to something they may not want to be apart of. However, you were very confident in your team, you’ve been working with them for over three years. If anything, you considered them to be family rather than just mere employees. 

After taking a few moments to relax, you made your way towards the kitchen where they were all preparing their sections for dinner service. 

“Hey guys, I need to talk to you.” The smiles that were all on their faces as they chased each other around the kitchen soon were replaced with blank and worried expressions. 

“It’s nothing bad. Well, that’s my opinion. I don’t know how you all will feel about it and I should have talked to you before accepting the offer, but I agreed in catering to a wedding. I’m sorry if you guys don’t want to do that but—“ you let out a soft giggle when you saw all of them releasing breaths of relief. 

Two of your sous chefs Yugyeom and Jinyoung made their way toward you and tightly sandwiched you in between the two of them. Since both guys were quite taller and more broad than your petite frame, you were practically suffocating from their embrace and began playfully punching on their chests. 

“How is it that the tiniest one of us is the one who tells us what to do? You’re so cute y/n. Shit, you scared us. I thought the restaurant was closing or something.” 

You glared at the lanky boy and shoved him towards his section. “Hey! My restaurant is pretty amazing if I do say so myself. There’s no way I’d let this place shut down. I’ve worked too hard to open it up just to let it close.” 

Soon you felt another presence behind you and arms were wrapped around your waist as he placed his chin on your shoulder. “You better watch what you say Yugyeom. She might be tiny, but she’s feisty and at the end of the day, she cuts your checks.” You absentmindedly leaned back in to Jaebum’s chest but quickly came to your senses and remembered who you were currently surrounded by. “We’re perfectly capable of handling a wedding y/n. Don’t you trust us? If we can feed at least 600 people from the time we open to the time we close everyday I’m sure we can handle a wedding. We’ll be fine. You’re an amazing chef and a wonderful restaurant owner. The client chose you for a reason. There’s nothing to worry about.” You smiled softly at the older boy while he playfully pinched your cheek, earning the two of you groans from the others. 

“Stop trying to butter up the head chef Jaebum. Just because the two of you have a little thing for each other—OW. I can’t cook if my arm is in pain. Control your woman Jaebum!” Your eyes widened in shock at BamBam’s sudden revelation and right as you were about to chase after him, Jaebum softly tightened his grip around your waist. 

“Don’t waste your time on him. We have customers to tend to chef. Come on, the sooner we finish, the sooner you and I can go out to dinner.” 

What you and Jaebum has was hard to describe. Out of the six guys, Jaebum was the first one you met three years ago in culinary school. He was always to himself and your classmates labeled him to be mysterious. There was one time the two of you were paired up for an assignment and it was in those few weeks of working alongside each other that you learned of how kind and extremely soft he was. To most people, he was intimidating and he hardly had any friends in your major because of it; but he liked it that way. That was until he made a friend in you and from that day on, the two of you were attached to the hip. 

He was the first person you reached out to when you began planning on opening up a restaurant and he was quick to agree to be one of your chefs. Although you’ve known him for quite some time now, the two of you only recently started developing feelings for each other a little over three months ago but even then, it never escalated in to more than just some flirtatious banter, lingering touches and stolen glances between you two. However, even if you wanted to consider Jaebum to be something more, your heart would never let you. 

As much as you kept trying to tell yourself it was because you didn’t want to lose your friendship with him if things were to go south between the both of you, you knew there was more to it. 

The night went off without a hitch as it did every night and once it was over, Jackson offered to treat everyone out to dinner as a way to celebrate your restaurant’s first catering opportunity. However, you were too tired and couldn’t wait to go to bed. This earned you multiple frowns and boos from the rest of the crew but Jaebum was quick to silence them with a scowl. 

“She’s had a long day. It’s understandable. You guys have fun, I’ll take her home-“ This brought even more boos but also a couple of winks and eyebrow raises from the two youngest chefs. 

“Just say you want to have y/n all to yourself. We all know neither of you are going to get any sleep tonight if you go home together—that’s it! The next time we wash uniforms I’m purposely putting a red sock in your pile you asshole. Good night y/n. Get some rest and we’ll see you again tomorrow.” 

You said your goodbyes to the guys while Jaebum reached for your things and led you to his car. “Congrats again y/n. This’ll be great publicity for the restaurant if things go well with the wedding.” You felt warmth rise to your cheeks as he opened the passenger door for you. Whenever any one of the other chefs would compliment you, you’d simply smile and thank them; but whenever Jaebum said something nice about you, you always found yourself blushing. 

Something about the way he’d look at you as if you were the only girl in the world would send butterflies to your tummy. However, he had yet to take things further between you both and you felt as if he was hesitant for the same reasons you were. But you liked how things were going with you and Jaebum, and your restaurant  was your main focus as of right now. A relationship wasn’t in your plans at the moment, especially because of how your last one ended.

“But what if it all goes to shit Jaebum? What if I mess up? What if the guests don’t like our food? What if we forget something once we get there and what if—“ he brought his finger up to your lips in attempts to prevent you from continuing saying such negative things about yourself. Jaebum thought the world of you and hated that you never saw yourself the way he saw you. 

From the first day he met you in college, he knew you were someone special. He saw how dedicated you were when it came to your craft and perfecting your dishes. He always looked up to you and could only dream of being even half of an amazing chef as you were. When you first called Jaebum to tell him you were opening your own restaurant and asked him to be one of your sous chefs, he wasn’t surprised to hear that you were opening your own restaurant. It was a dream of yours ever since you were a little girl. Jaebum was completely aware of how many extra hours you picked up at your job on top of being a full time student just to save up for a restaurant. Seeing as how you did it in less than a year after graduating was pretty impressive and he knew you had it in you. 

“Will you stop that? Stop thinking so negative about yourself y/n. You’re one of the best chefs in the state. They didn’t write about you in the newspaper for no reason. It’s obvious you have a gift y/n. That lady chose our restaurant out of the hundreds of other restaurants who are known for catering and you wanna know why? Because our food is spectacular. Our recipes, our menu. It’s unique, it’s different. Our staff is entertaining, you’ve decorated the place really nicely and guess what? The owner and head chef is an extraordinary person. You are a marvel y/n. Now stop worrying that pretty little head of yours and go get some rest. We have a long week ahead of us. I’ll see you tomorrow. Sweet dreams.”

The rest of the week went by far too quickly and finally, it was the day the soon to be newlyweds were coming in to meet with you about their wedding day. The bride Erica, whose name you learned when she set up a meeting with you two days after your first call, called you just a few minutes before her scheduled time to let you know she was running late but that her fiancé was almost there and that it was fine if the two of you started without her. 

You were in your office filing some paperwork when Youngjae came in and let you know that Erica’s fiancé was there. When you walked in to the dining area and saw who he was referring to, your heart sank to your chest. It was as if the whole room was spinning and you couldn’t breathe. 

Three years. 

It’s been three years since you last saw him. 

Three years since he let you walk away from his parent’s house in tears. 

It’s been three years since he broke your heart and now here he was, standing in your restaurant, waiting to meet with you to talk about his wedding. A wedding the two of you talked about many times in your almost seven years of dating. You felt like you were about to throw up. Was it too late to say you couldn’t do it? There was no way you’d be able to cater to your ex boyfriend’s wedding. You couldn’t stomach the thought. 

“Y/n, aren’t you coming?” You didn’t even realize you weren’t moving until you felt the older boy tug at your wrist. 

“Youngjae, I—“ If you were coming off as rude and unprofessional, you didn’t care. This was the man you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. Your first love, your soulmate, your best friend. How could you possibly cater to a wedding of a man you planned on marrying? There was no way you’d be able to do it without crying during the process. All the memories of your relationship to your last night together came rushing back and you felt tears brimming at your eyelids. Before you could turn around and attempt to walk away, you heard his breath hitch. 

“Y/n.” You released an exasperated sigh before making your way towards him. “Hey. It’s been a while.” As hard as it was seeing him after all these years, you had to put on a strong face and pretend like nothing was wrong. No matter how much you were on the brink of crying. You wouldn’t let yourself cry in front of him. He didn’t deserve you or your tears. 

“Please follow me. We have no time to waste. I have to start preparing for the lunch service.” The sharpness in your tone and the spine chilling glare you sent his way didn’t surprise Mark. He deserved it after what he put you through. What he wasn’t ready for, was seeing you after three years. He didn’t think he would be able to sit in a room alone with you without crying over what no longer was. 

Seeing you again after how things ended between the two of you only brought back images of your puffy red eyes and tear stained cheeks. It was the worst day of his life. 

When the two of you entered your office, you made your way towards your secret cabinet where you stored your alcohol and began preparing yourself a drink. When you heard him snicker, you rolled your eyes and took a shot. 

“Are you allowed to drink on the job?” You poured yourself a glass of red wine before finally taking your seat in front of him. 

“This is my restaurant. I can do whatever I want and I’m going to need a few sips of liquid courage if I’m going to have to deal with you.” He frowned before sitting up right so he could take a better look at you. From the day Mark met you, you always had a very bright and bubbly personality. You were one of the sweetest, kindest and most generous people Mark knew. But hearing you speak to him so harshly made him hate himself for turning you in to such a stone cold person. 

“Look y/n, I can already tell that you hate having me in your presence and I’m sorry this is happening right now. You don’t have to go through with this if you don’t want to. I can talk to Erica and we can find someone else—“ You shook your head in disagreement. 

“I am a chef. My professional life comes before my personal one. I’m fine. If you’re going to have a problem with dealing with me then you can go ahead and tell her you want to look someone else.” He furrowed his brows while biting his lip. It was something he did many times when he was contemplating something. You hated that you still remembered the meaning behind every single movement of his. 

“I’m happy to see that you followed your dreams of completing culinary school and opening your own restaurant. I’m proud of you y/n. And you haven’t changed a bit. Still breathtakingly beautiful, as you always were. Always will be.” You scoffed in disbelief. Was he really saying all of this to you? He was engaged to be married and yet complimented you on your looks. Sure, he made it known how beautiful he thought you were every single day back when the two of you were still together, but this was a completely different story. He also had the nerve to tell you he was proud of you for following your dreams when it was the reason for your breakup in the first place? You couldn’t believe your ears. 

You and Mark started dating in your freshman year of high school. He was a junior you had met in P.E. Him and his group of friends were known throughout your high school. He was the captain of both the baseball and soccer team and he was one of the only students with a car. A Lexus to be exact. Everyone was completely aware that Mark’s family owned one of the biggest technology companies in the country. However, he was very simple and modest. He wasn’t this narcissistic, big headed asshole that everyone assumed he was just because his family was rich. 

One day, your class was running the mile run when you tripped on a rock and sprained your ankle. Mark was quick to run towards you and didn’t hesitate to pick you up bridal style and carried you all the way to the nurse’s office. He stayed with you for the rest of the period and in that half an hour, the two of you talked about anything and everything your hearts desired. From that day on, you became really good friends and it didn’t take long for you to fall for him. He never failed to make you laugh at the cheesiest jokes, he would always bring you snacks and made sure you were eating your meals. He would drop you home from school almost every day and when the two of you exchanged phone numbers, he would find himself texting you all kinds of memes, videos and links to posts he’d find funny. 

Less than a month after your accident, he confessed his feelings for you and you were excited that he reciprocated your feelings. Dating Mark was a dream. You didn’t think he could be even more amazing as a boyfriend than he was a friend, but he proved you wrong. He took you on many dates that he’d plan out thoroughly, wrote you cute little love letters, attempted to help you with your studies even if most of the time you were together was spent making out and would end practice early just to spend as much time with you as he could. Since he was well aware that he was your first boyfriend, he let you control the pace of your relationship. He only did whatever you asked him to do and didn’t want to cross any boundaries in fear of scaring you away. 

Although he’s been in multiple relationships before, you were the first girl he’s ever been in love with and he had a huge feeling you were going to be the last.

When Mark graduated from high school, you were afraid the distance was going to take a toll on your relationship. However, Mark never failed to reassure you that nothing would change between the the two of you. If anything, it brought the two of you closer. He made sure to continue picking you up and dropping you off to school because on some days, that was the only time he got to see you. And he never failed to call you and text you when he missed you. 

Your life revolved around the older boy. He was all your heart knew and wanted to know. You started losing friendships because of how focused you were on your relationship but you didn’t care. Mark was your main priority and he made it obvious in his actions that he felt the same way about you. 

Once you graduated from high school, you went straight in to culinary school and to say you were excited was an understatement. Cooking was a passion of yours from the time you could talk. When your siblings would watch cartoons, you found yourself watching the food network. Instead of joining a sport or some kind of dance class, you joined cooking and baking classes. There was something about the art of cooking that went beyond just throwing some instant noodles in to a pot of boiling water. 

Cooking meant more to you than what it did to most people. You were lucky that you had a boyfriend that was extremely supportive in your dreams and your goals. No matter how many times you told him no, Mark would buy you everything you needed in order to cook. All the supplies you needed in your classes, he bought nothing but the best brands. There were some days you felt shy having to bring your Martha Stewart cooking set to class knowing everyone else had brands that were sold at Walmart. 

Knowing that your boyfriend wanted nothing but the best for you made your heart flutter. Whenever you wanted to try a new recipe, he would always offer to be the taste tester even if you knew it was just his excuse to get a free meal; but he deserved it. Mark made it aware that he was your number one fan. The two of you moved in together not too longer after you graduated because he wouldn’t stop complaining about how much he missed you. 

Even when he was back in high school, he knew he was going to take over his dad’s position at his company when he were to retire. Which is why he never got to attend college and went straight to work at their company. However, you knew deep down that Mark had dreams of his own. 

You’d watch him draw pictures of buildings, you’d see him look at construction sites in awe and you’d catch him watching hgtv in the wee hours of the morning. Mark wanted to be an architect, there was no doubt about it and you knew your boyfriend was capable of becoming an amazing one. Unfortunately, whenever you’d bring the topic up to him, he’d give you a sad smile and just shrug it off; ultimately changing the topic. 

One thing you both loved and hated about him was how obedient he was. He did whatever people told him to do. From an early age, he was groomed to become a CEO, even if he wanted nothing to do with the company. 

On the night of your breakup, you and Mark were invited to his parent’s anniversary party. You’ve met the Tuan’s many times and they were some of the sweetest people you knew. They were also very particular when it came to their reputation and when Mrs.Tuan heard that her oldest son’s girlfriend wanted to become a chef, she wasn’t having any of it. You were all currently seated in their grand dining room area having dinner when curiosity got the best of her. 

“Y/n sweetheart, you’ve been with Mark for seven years now and you’ve been in college for almost three years but I have yet to learn what it is that you’re majoring in. What are you studying dear?” You smiled widely at her but before you could say anything, you felt a pinch on your thigh. You quickly turned towards your boyfriend and frowned at his worried face, not understanding what his expression meant. But once the words “culinary arts” fell from your lips and the whole room went in to uproar, you knew exactly why Mark looked so bothered. 

You felt like everyone was stabbing at your heart with every laugh that was being thrown your way and when you turned to Mark, he was staring at the ground with a blank face. 

“Y/n, dear. You cannot be serious. A chef? Are you crazy? You want to cook for people? Now why in the world would you want to do that? There are so many other occupations out there much more impressive than that. Whose going to be impressed when I tell them that my future daughter in law is a cook? I’m sorry, but that just won’t do.” 

You could feel your throat getting dry and you wanted the ground to swallow you whole in that moment. As much as you liked and respected Mark’s family, you couldn’t go past the fact that they were looking down on you and belittling your dream career. They should accept you and your future career for what it was. 

However, it wasn’t their words that were hurting you. The fact that Mark allowed them to continue attacking you and treating you as if you were some pathetic being who didn’t deserve to be there instead of defending you and your dream is what was slowly tearing you apart. How could he claim to support you in everything you did, love you more than anything or anyone in the world and want nothing but the best for you, yet fail to protect you from his family? His silence spoke volumes, which is why you weren’t surprised when your next few words fell from your mouth. 

“You have nothing to worry about Mrs.Tuan, because I have no plans on marrying your son for that matter. I refuse to marry in to a family who doesn’t accept nor support my dreams and I refuse to change a thing about for anyone but myself. Thank you for having me tonight. I wish you all nothing but the best. Happy anniversary.” You did not waste any time getting out of there and mentally cursed yourself as you remembered Mark drove the both of you to his parent’s house. 

You started briskly walking to the nearest bus stop seeing as how it was getting quite late. Tears began to fall from your cheeks when you came to the realization that Mark wasn’t chasing after you, but you knew his family probably kept him from doing so. 

Throughout your walk, a part of you felt as if you should’ve kept your mouth shut. No matter how much the Tuan family seemed to like you, you should’ve known that they were people who cared about their wealth and social status. But another part of you refused to give up on your dreams in order to impress people who clearly didn’t deserve you at all. 

The fact that Mark didn’t fight for you or for your relationship is what was killing you the most. You loved him with every fiber of your being. You had plans to settle down with him, get married to him, have kids with him; you wanted it all. Now, you wanted nothing to do with him. You were going to head back to your shared apartment in order pack up everything and head back to your parent’s place. When you finally reached the bus stop, you called your mom up and explained the whole situation to her. 

You’ve never heard your mom swear so many times in one sentence before. She was fuming and she had every right to be. As much as she wanted to be angry with Mark, she was much more disappointed. Parents claim to want nothing but the best for you. However, if you feel in your heart that what they want for you, isn’t what you need, it’s up to you to decide whether or not you’re going to take responsibility for your own life, or continue to let them tell you what to do. Mark would always do whatever his parents wanted him to and there was nothing you could do about it. 

Once you hung up the phone with your mom, you took a look at yourself and let out a hysterical laugh. You were a mess. Your eyes were swollen and your cheeks were red and puffy. It just occurred to you that you lost the love of your life. This was it for the two of you and you didn’t know what you were going to do. How were you going to live without the man who was all that you knew? You were so deep in your thoughts that you failed to notice Mark trying to get in touch with you. After a few moments, you saw his Lexus pull up to the bus stop and you turned towards the other direction. 

“Y/n. I am so fucking sorry baby I—“ he got out of the car and made his way towards you but you continued to give him the silent treatment. When he came in to view, you refused to look at him. 

Your mind felt disgusted with the boy kneeling in front of you. Where was the man who held you as you cried because finals were too hard? Where was the man who stayed up till the wee hours of the morning to take care of you when you got the flu? Where was the man who bought you twelve different pints of ice cream once because he knew how much you loved ice cream? Where was the man who cried in to your shoulder when Moana’s grandmother died? Where was the man who told you he loved you more than life itself and promised you the sun, the moon and the stars? It was clearly not the little boy on his knees in front of you. The boy in front of you chose his family, his pride and his reputation over you. Over your seven year relationship. Over your love, your happiness, your life and future together. This was not the man you loved. 

“Don’t. Just go Mark. They’re probably waiting for you. Go.” He shook his head and wrapped his arms tightly around your legs as he placed his chin on your thighs. “Mark, get up. You’re being ridiculous.” 

He began to cry in to your lap and you could feel the tears building up again. One of the things you loved most about Mark was how sensitive he was. He cried over many different things and you knew it was because he had a big heart. Whenever he would cry, you’d find yourself crying too. You hated seeing Mark cry, but he never cried over you. He never had a reason to, until now. He made a mistake, and he was now paying for it. 

“I’m sorry. I should’ve said something. I’m so fucking stupid. But you need to understand that—“ you groaned in disbelief. 

“I need to understand what Mark? That I’m not good enough for you? Or your family? That I’m considered trash to you because I want to become a chef? What’s so good about you huh? You’re taking over a company. Woohoo! Good for you! We all know that’s not what you want. It’s being handed over to you. You don’t have to do shit. I’m sorry I don’t come from a wealthy family like you. Things don’t get handed to me on a silver platter like they do for you Mark. I have to work for the things that I want. You made me feel like shit. Like I’m nothing in front of your family. You made me feel as if you were ashamed of me and my career path when you are the number one person who pushes me to go after my goals and chase after my dreams.” 

His sobs only became louder the longer you explained your thoughts to him, but you didn’t care. He needed to know how pathetic he made you feel. 

“How do you think your parents would react if they knew their son put hundreds of dollars from their company in to buying me cooking equipment? I bet they wouldn’t be too pleased knowing you’d leave work early in order to come support me at my competitions and drive me to wherever I needed to go. Nor would they be too happy knowing you paid off my entire tuition no matter how many times I begged you not to. Love is about sacrifices Mark. You claim to love me and up until tonight I know you did, but you failed to sacrifice your pride for me and I don’t think I can ever forgive you for that. Thank you, for showing me your true colors tonight. I’m glad I found out who you really are and what your main priorities are now rather than later as I waste the rest of my life with you.”

He finally took his face off of your lap and looked up at you. Seeing the broken look on his face made you want to cry again, but you held yourself together. He gripped both of your wrists before roughly connecting your lips together. Your heart was begging you to react to the kiss. You wanted to be understanding, you knew how hard it was for Mark having to choose between his family and you. But if they were really his family, they would love you and support you no matter what the case and they failed to do so. 

You knew this was probably your last few moments with him and as much as you wanted to hate him, the love you had for him would always be stronger. Seven years of your life spent with him was not going to disappear in a matter of seconds. So you were selfish and allowed him to kiss you for the time being. Just a few seconds later, you pulled away and placed one more kiss on his lips.

“Come on, we’ll talk about this more at home—“ You shook your head in disagreement and you could feel him grip on to the hem of your party dress.

“Y/n, please. Please baby. Hear me out. Let me make things right, please. I can’t lose you. You mean everything to me y/n. I love you so fucking much. I can’t live without you. Are you really going to let seven years go to shit because you want to be stubborn?” 

You scowled as you tried to pry him off of you. “DON’T YOU DARE GIVE ME THAT SHIT. YOU DECIDED TO LET SEVEN YEARS GO TO SHIT WHEN YOU FAILED TO DEFEND ME. WHEN YOU FAILED TO PROTECT ME. WHEN YOU LET YOUR FAMILY LAUGH AT ME AND TALK NEGATIVELY ABOUT ME AND MY DREAMS. You should have grown a fucking pair and told your parents just how proud you are of me and how supportive you are of my occupation but no. You let your mom make me feel stupid and inferior because she doesn’t think my occupation is good enough for you. You always have to do what mommy and daddy tell you huh? I’m sorry. I refuse to let anyone tell me how to live my life. I love myself too much for that. I love you Mark, and I’m always going to love you. But I love myself more. So much more. Have a nice life and take care of yourself.” 

With perfect timing, the bus stopped in front of the curb and you grabbed your things while quickly getting on. You faintly heard him calling after you, but you made your way towards the back and plugged in your headphones. It felt like a huge weight was taken off of your shoulders. Once you reached your apartment, you released a sigh of relief when you noticed he wasn’t there and began to pack away all your things. You were going to miss this place. So many memories were made here and you couldn’t help but reminisce.However, tonight’s events would not stop playing in your mind and you decided to push back all memories of Mark to the back of your thoughts. 

You successfully put away all your things before he could come home and stop you and made your way to your car in order to drive to your parents house. You haven’t seen or heard from Mark since that dreadful night and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t miss him or thought about him from time to time. But you knew what you deserved and like he’s told you multiple times before, you deserved nothing but the best and that’s the only thing you were going to accept. 

“Yeah. All my hard work paid off. Let’s get started on this shall we?” You tried your best to look anywhere but at him. There was no doubt Mark was good looking. He was the most handsomest man you’ve ever laid your eyes on and like a fine wine, he only gets better with age. However, you could still see remnants of the teenage boy you fell in love with many years ago. You knew you wouldn’t be able to concentrate if you were to look at him. 

“Let’s start off with allergies. What is Erica allergic to?” When he didn’t respond after a few minutes, you gave up on giving him the cold shoulder and finally looked up at him. You looked at him in curiosity and he shrugged at you. “You don’t know what your fiancée is allergic to? Seriously?” 

Hearing his name and the word fiancée together sent an unsettling feeling to your stomach. You’ve always dreamt of going through this with him. Planning things for your wedding. Talking with a florist, a catering company, a baker, hiring a wedding planner. You would always find yourself planning your future wedding and Mark would always join in. Knowing he wanted to be involved always made your heart melt in to a puddle. That should be you sitting next to him with his ring on your finger, but things just weren’t meant to work out that way. You could only hope Erica was nearby so you could get this whole thing over with. 

“If I’m being honest, I don’t know much about her. So we should just wait for her to come.” You released a frustrated sigh before humming in agreement.

 “So, how is the restaurant doing so far? I like how you decorated the place. It’s really—you. The wallpaper, the booths and tables, the flooring, the fairy lights, the wooden plaques you always loved buying from Tj Maxx. If you don’t mind me asking, why Sunrise? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice name. But why?” 

You furrowed your brows and took a sip of your wine. You couldn’t believe you were going to tell him the reason, especially because it had to do with him and your relationship. But you were never one to lie. “Remember that one day we were watching the sunset at the beach and I began to cry because I was upset at the thought of how all beautiful things come to an end?” He nodded in remembrance of the memory and motioned for you to continue. 

“When we broke up, I was a wreck. For months. Hell, almost an entire year. I don’t know how I did it, but I graduated from culinary school with a 3.6 g.p.a and worked at multiple restaurants, trying to get as much food service experience as possible. I saved up enough money to open up a restaurant and here I am today. This restaurant had no name for two months because nothing sounded good to me. One of my sous chefs told me it’s always the darkest before the dawn and that with every sunset, there is a sunrise. As corny as it sounds, with the sunset of our relationship, came there sunrise of all my hard work and success. I lost you, but I gained myself. I achieved all my goals and now look, I own a five star restaurant. I’m a boss bitch if I do say so myself.”

This earned you a soft giggle and you didn’t realize how much you missed his laugh until you heard it again. Mark had one of those distinct and very contagious laughs. Although he was almost 27 years old, he had the cutest little high pitch laugh that you were sure could cure cancer. “Y/n, I—“ before he could continue his sentence, there was a knock on the door. 

“Oh my God, I am so sorry. I had a doctor’s appointment at 11 but it ended up being pushed back till 11:30. I also made a quick stop to my favorite bakery which is right next door. Here y/n, this is for you. This is one of their most popular items, a peanut butter and raspberry jelly croissant. I hope you like it.”

You gave her a soft smile before attempting to reach for it but Mark was quick to pull the paper bag away. “Mark—“ he took the pastry and placed it back in to the plastic bag she was holding. 

“Y/n is allergic to peanuts and she hates raspberries. Just save it for yourself and eat it later.” You looked at him in awe. Mark was always such an amazing listener. He always asked you so many questions about yourself and what you were allergic to was one of his first questions even before the two of you started dating. You found yourself warming up at the thought of how attentive he used to be whenever it came to you, but you quickly came back to your senses. He was getting married. Even if seeing him again awakened some feelings you still had for him, you couldn’t let little things like that affect you in any way. 

Hate was a very strong word. You couldn’t say you hated Mark. You could never hate him, no matter how much you wanted to. But you were disappointed in him and you didn’t know which feeling was worst. 

“Wait, how do you know—“

“We were talking about allergies before you came. Can you tell her yours, I have no clue.” 

Seeing the way the two of them were interacting made you confused. For two people who were getting married in a few months, they sure didn’t act like a couple and by the looks of it, Mark seemed irritated with her. She was completely oblivious towards his emotions, but you’ve been with him long enough to know when someone was getting on his nerves. 

How could they be getting married when it felt as if neither of them wanted to be there? It’s as if the woman on the phone and the one sitting in front of you were two completely different people. She didn’t have the excited tone in her voice like she did a few days prior and you couldn’t help but feel her fiancé had something to do with it. 

“Okay, how about we decide on the way the food will be served first? Did you guys want a buffet, or would you rather the dinner be brought to the guests?” Mark leaned back in his chair and shrugged his shoulders. He was making it pretty clear that he didn’t want anything to do with the decision making, nor did he seem to care about the wedding in general. You couldn’t help but get curious about their relationship, not that it was any of your business. You were consulting them about a catering inquiry not having a couples therapy session. And what did it matter to you anyway? Mark was in your past and you planned on keeping him there at all costs. 

While you and Erica continued to go through the menu, it felt as if Mark wasn’t even there. However, you could feel his eyes on you the entire time. Your assumptions were confirmed when you turned to face him as Erica brought up what she was interested in having. 

“Maybe we could do a surf and turf? So maybe some type of meat with lobster or crab—“ You looked at Mark and your breath hitched when you saw that he was already looking at you. 

“Mark’s allergic to shellfish.” Although you looked away before either of them could respond, the smirk that rose on his face made your heart rate increase.

“Oh, really? Well, in that case we could go with salmon or maybe cod?” Mark sat upright and placed his hands on the table as if he was now interested in the conversation. The rest of the meeting ran smoothly, or so you kept trying to tell yourself. As you and Erica continued to make decisions, Mark would throw in unnecessary comments and you couldn’t help but feel as if he was doing it purposely to get under your skin. But you didn’t let it bother you in any way. You weren’t going to allow him to get to you. Not anymore. 

“If you don’t mind me asking, how did the two of you meet?” Once the question fell from your lips, you were quick to notice the way Mark tensed up and you were extremely curious as to why. Why did that question seem to bother him?

“Oh, well our fathers are company partners and they thought we’d be a good match for each other.” A bitter laugh fell from your lips as you ignored the fact that Erica was there and turned towards Mark.

“Still doing everything daddy tells you huh? Why am I not surprised?” He glared at you but he knew he had no right to fire back. It was the truth. The two of you were so busy in your own little stare down that you failed to notice how confused Erica now was. 

“I’m sorry, am I missing something here? Do you two know each other?” 

You gave her a sad smile and nodded in agreement. “Knew. We went to school together. That’s pretty much it. Well, I think we’re done here for today. If you have any more questions Erica or need to update the menu, feel free to call the restaurant and I’d be happy to help. Have a nice day.” 

She quietly thanked you before making her way out, however, when she noticed Mark wasn’t following after her she tugged on his wrist. “Come on Mark, we have to meet with the florist.” 

You knew there were so many things he probably wanted to say to you, but you didn’t want to hear it. This meeting was nothing but a coincidence. But you couldn’t help but feel like it was the universe trying to tell you something. Out of the hundreds and thousands of people living in your hometown, how could your ex boyfriend and his soon to be wife be your first catering client? There was no way this happened by coincidence. 

After the two of them left your office, you sank to your knees and began to cry. Why did seeing him again after three years upset you so much? Your sobs filled the room and you felt as if you couldn’t breathe. You were so caught up in crying that you failed to notice Jaebum enter the room until you were brought on to his lap. 

“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Shhh, you’re fine y/n. I’m here. Everything going to be alright.” He continued to console you and gently rocked you back and forth to try and get you to calm down. He ran his fingers through your hair and placed a few soft kisses on your forehead. Not too long after he entered your office, you stopped crying and sighed in to his chest. 

“Have you ever had your heart broken before Jaebum?” The sudden question flustered the older boy and he didn’t know how to respond. 

“Y/n—“ you frowned at his worried expression. 

“That man that just left, he’s my ex boyfriend. Ironic isn’t it? I’m catering to my ex boyfriend’s wedding. This has to be a joke. Someone must’ve set me up, this is bullshit. There’s no way I can cater to his wedding. Is it too late to cancel Jaebum? I know it’s unprofessional, but look at me. I’m a fucking wreck and this was only the first meeting. What more at the actual wedding?” 

Jaebum didn’t know how to respond. It was clear that seeing Mark again was ruining you and the walls you’ve took so long to build up after your relationship ended. He didn’t know what to do or how to help you. He wasn’t aware of the situation and even if you’ve known each other for a while, he had no clue who Mark was. His heart hurt for you. Seeing you so distraught over your ex and this unfortunate situation broke his heart and all he could do was hold you as you cried. Once your sobs began to slow down, you slowly got up from off of his lap and wiped your tears before giggling softly. 

“Sorry, I ruined your uniform and I probably kept you from doing something important—“ he brought his finger up to your cheek and wiped away a few of your tears. 

“Will you stop apologizing? God, how you are still so cute after crying is beyond me. What am I going to do with you y/n? You are the strongest and most hardworking person I know. I’m sure it is a lot to take in, but you’ll be fine. We’ve had people complain about our food, compare us to other restaurants and even walk out without paying for their meals and you’ve handled each and every negative situation with so much class because that’s who you are. If you decide that you don’t want to go along with this, then you don’t have to. But the y/n I know isn’t going to let something like this get in the way of her passion. You don’t have to tell me everything, just know that I’m here for you if you need to talk. Why don’t you just call it a day y/n? I can handle it from here. Maybe go to the spa or something. Take your mind off of what went down today.” 

You shook your head in disagreement before pulling him in for a hug. “I’m a big girl Jae. Although a relaxing day at the spa sounds nice, I’ll be fine. Thank you for consoling me. I should be outside in a few, I just have to finish up with their menu.” He placed one more kiss on your forehead and gave you a sad smile before heading back to the kitchen. 

Jaebum was right, there was no way you could work without making a mistake. Thoughts of Mark were clouding you your mind. An arranged marriage. He was getting married to someone because his family set him up for it. Although you didn’t feel like you had the right to think like that, it was only natural that you did. You watched them interact. You paid attention to the way Mark looked at his fiancée in disgust. It was nothing compared to the way he would look at you. Whenever Mark looked at you, your heart would always combust. He looked at you as if you were one of the seven wonders of the world. Whenever Mark looked at you, you couldn’t help but feel like the most ethereal being he’s ever laid eyes on. 

He looked at Erica like she was scum under his toes. She didn’t seem all too happy with him either, but she was handling it better than he was. Taking Jaebum’s advice, you took off your uniform, grabbed your things and made your way towards the kitchen. As the guys heard you coming in, you noticed how quick they pulled away from the huddle they were formed in and you knew Jaebum had probably warned them about your frazzled state. 

“Hey boss, we’re ready whenever you are.” You smiled softly at Youngjae while playfully running your fingers through his soft, blue locks. 

“I’m not feeling all too well. I’m sorry guys. I’m going to call it a day if that’s okay. Jaebum is in charge, please don’t give him a hard time. If you need anything, feel free to call me. I’ll be back tomorrow. Thank you for all your hard work.” The guys nodded in agreement and said their goodbyes as you made your way towards the door. 

“Please get some rest. And don’t overthink too much. Call me if you need to okay? I’m always here for you.” You grinned up at the handsome man and gently pinched his cheek. 

“Who knew the oh so intimidating and mysterious Im Jaebum would be such a softie for little old me? Thank you again. I’ll see you tomorrow. If I come back tomorrow and the restaurants in flames, I’ll kick your ass.” His laughter filled the room and he jokingly shoved you out the door. 

For the rest of the day, you did whatever you could to take your mind off of the fact that Mark was back in your life. You thought you were over him completely. Or at least, that’s what you kept telling yourself. It was one thing to say you had no feelings for someone when they were no longer in your life. 

But now that you saw him and talked with him, the love you had for him all those years ago came rushing back. He was your first love, there was no way you could pretend that nothing ever happened between the two of you. 

A week after your extremely awkward meeting with Mark and Erica, business only increased, giving you a chance to focus on other things rather than your ex boyfriend who seemed to be clouding up your thoughts. Unfortunately, Mark took your little run in as a sign of fate. He was a realist. Like you had thought right after talking with him, there was no way this was a coincidence. Erica could have picked any catering company to reach out to but she chose your restaurant instead. 

Mark never believed in things like fate, or soulmates. But that was all before he met you. When you came in to his life, you were all his heart craved to know. You were all he longed for and everything he’s ever dreamt of. You weren’t aware of how much he regrets that night at his parents house and if he had the chance, he’d do whatever he could to go back in time to change the turn of events. He was miserable without you. Heartbreak was a foreign word to him. Since the two of you were madly in love with each other and planned to spend the rest of your lives together at one point, he didn’t think he would ever experience the pain that people claimed came with a broken heart. However, right after you got on the bus and walked out of his life, he knew you took a huge part of him with you. He hasn’t been the same since. 

He wanted to chase after you, to beg you to forgive him. He would take any beating or any negative words you threw at him because God knows he deserved it. But instead he let you go. The damage was done and he knew that even if you were to forgive him, you’d never forget what he did. He’s never been with anyone since you left. Mark knew there was no one else for him. You were it and you’d always be. Which is why he made a vow to focus on nothing but work. He took on extra shifts in attempts to get you off of his mind, but it never worked. He couldn’t stop thinking about how those words fell from your lips and slapped him across the face. 

You have nothing to worry about Mrs.Tuan, because I have no plans on marrying your son for that matter. 

Once you said those words to his mom, he knew it was over. He didn’t even have to look at you to know that you were upset and as soon as you left the table, he got up and ran out in to the yard, screaming and punching at anything in sight while kicking down both the mailbox and trash can. Mark didn’t give two shits about his family’s company, he didn’t care about their wealth or social status. He’d give it all up if it meant getting you back in his life again. He still had a hard time understanding why he didn’t just speak up and tell his family the truth. If he wasn’t such a coward, the two of you would still be together and he’d be cheering you on and giving you his endless support like he always did.

Unfortunately, Mark wasn’t like you. He didn’t have the strength or courage to go against his family and chase after his dreams like you did. He cared about what people thought about him. He didn’t want his family to be upset with him. But hearing them talk so negatively about the girl he loved more than any single one of them made him angry beyond belief. You were right. By not defending you, he chose them. Whoever said blood is thicker than water had to be an idiot. You meant more to Mark than anyone sitting at that table that night, but being the pathetic man he was, he couldn’t find it in himself to go against his mother’s wishes. 

He knew they wanted nothing but the best for him, or at least that’s what he thought. It took him years after your break up to come to terms with the fact that the Tuan’s would rather their son be miserable marrying the daughter of a wealthy business man who couldn’t give less of a shit about him other than his money, than to allow him to be with the love of his life who happened to be a chef. If they knew just how successful you and your restaurant had become, they wouldn’t have been so judge-mental towards you. 

As the years went by and Mark made it known that he had no interest in a relationship with anyone other than you, Mr.Tuan took it upon himself to find his son a bride. There was no way Mark could take control of such a big company without an equally successful woman by his side. When his father gave him the news that he was setting him up with the daughter of one of the company’s partners, Mark was floored. How could his father allow him to marry someone he never had met before let alone develop feelings for? 

Erica was a very sweet and soft spoken person and in Mark’s opinion, things could be worse. But he knew he could never look at her in a romantic way. He could never look at anyone the way he looked at you. It was his karma, but being the pushover he was, not being able to speak up against his parents, he found himself agreeing to the arranged marriage. His father kept trying to convince him that maybe somewhere along the line, the more time he spent with Erica, sooner or later he would develop some sort of feelings for her. It’s been almost a year since they started “dating” and the only skin-ship they shared between each other was the handshake that sealed the deal of their engagement. 

The word miserable couldn’t describe even half of what Mark was feeling. From the day you broke up with him up until now, he never stopped thinking about you. How you were doing, how school was treating you, how life would be like for the two of you if he just spoke up and praised you the way you deserved, if you missed him the way he missed you. If you still loved him, the way he couldn’t stop loving you. Seeing you again the other day made his heart both flutter and sink. He was meeting with you in regards to his wedding. Although you weren’t aware of the situation between him and Erica and he was sure you were moved on, a part of him felt guilty. Here he was with his fiancée, asking you to cater to their wedding. 

Not only did he feel uncomfortable being in a room with you, his ex-girlfriend and the woman he was still so madly in love with, but he was hiring you to do something his family practically laughed at you for doing. There was no way he could do that to you, but he had no choice. It took him every bone in his body not to walk behind your desk and pull you in to his embrace. 

There weren’t enough words to describe just how much he missed you. Mark didn’t think it was possible, but you were even more beautiful than when he last saw you. Your hair was longer, your eyes still had that pretty glow that he loved so much, your already petite frame got even smaller and you radiated so much confidence as you spoke. He was an idiot for letting you go and he’d never let himself live it down. 

As he made his way back to the apartment the two of you shared together, he began thinking about what to do to make things right between the two of you. Now that he knew where to find you and that there was a chance he’d get to see you a few more times, he had to do whatever he could to get you to forgive him. It was too late for you to become a couple again and he accepted that. But that didn’t mean the two of you couldn’t be friends and if that was the only way he could have you in his life, then so be it. He’d take whatever he could get. 

You could pretend as if you were unbothered by his presence, but Mark knew you like the back of his hand. Hell, he knew you just a bit more than you knew yourself. If you didn’t care about him, you wouldn’t have spoke up about his allergies, nor would you have brought up the fact that he hates artichokes. You wouldn’t have stolen glances at him the way you were when you thought he wasn’t looking. 

He saw how you smiled to yourself when he took the donut away from you and had to stop himself from blushing at the sight. He was older now and considerably more mature. Although he was still living by his parent’s rules, attempting to make his way back in to your life was a rule he was willing to break. That’s if you’d let him of course. 

When you went in to work one morning, your office was surrounded with dozens of sunflower arrangements and you knew exactly who they were from. Only one person knew how much you loved sunflowers; it was the same person who could not leave your mind. You furrowed your brows in confusion, why was he sending you flowers? Just because you had to work for him did not mean anything. You weren’t planning on reconnecting again. You just wanted the whole wedding to hurry up and be over with so that Mark would be out of your life completely and you could get your sanity back. 

Each bouquet had a card on it with different phrases and quotes you loved and you could feel warmth rising on your cheeks. You felt a tear against your cheek, but you refused to let any more fall. Did Mark think that sending you a bunch of flowers was going to fix what he broke years ago? He was getting married to someone who wasn’t you, so why was he sending you flowers? What did it mean? 

“Hey y/n, the food supplier is here—holy shit. It’s like a garden in here. These are obviously not from Jaebum, he doesn’t have the brains nor the money to think about buying all of this. Do you have a secret admirer? He must be rich. So that’s your type then huh boss? I better let Jaebum down easy—OW! For someone who claims I am your favorite, you always seem to show your affection through abuse. My bruise from the soup ladle you whacked me with is still healing you know!” 

You rolled your eyes before throwing on your apron and motioned the blue haired boy out of the room. “I think you’ve been spending too much time with Jackson and BamBam these days Youngjae. You’ve been exceptionally nosy and I hate that those two losers corrupted my sweet little line cook in to a monster. Don’t worry about the flowers, worry about the vegetables that need chopping. Shoo.” 

He playfully frowned while exiting and closed the door behind him. You couldn’t help but smile at the fact that he remembered what your favorite flowers are. Every Valentine’s Day and birthday you celebrated together, no matter what gift he gave you, he’d always give you a bouquet of sunflowers. There was one bouquet that you had yet to read the letter attached and since curiosity got the best of you, you found yourself reading it. 

“I don’t care what you think, I know it’s fate that brought us together again. You don’t have to forgive me if you don’t want to, but since we’ll be seeing each other every so often, it wouldn’t hurt to be civil. Give me a call when you get the chance.-MT” 

You released a frustrated sigh before plopping down in your chair. This man was going to be the death of you. As your mind began to have an internal argument with your heart, you found yourself reaching for your phone and sent him a quick text, thanking him for the flowers and asking him when he was free. Sure, there was no going back to what used to be; but he had a point. You couldn’t keep acting so cold towards him. The obvious animosity between the two of you which was more so on your part wasn’t going to make things any easier. He was quick to respond, letting you know that he was willing to meet right now if you were free in which you found yourself agreeing to. 

There were red flags going off in your head, but you didn’t care. It’s not like he’d be able to hurt you again, there was no chance of getting back together. Once the wedding was over, he’d be a married man and the two of you would go back to being strangers again. It bothered you that you were upset at the thought of no longer seeing him once this was all done but deep down you knew it was the fifteen year old girl who fell in love with Mark all those years ago that was making the decision for you. 

“Y/n, where did you move the first aid kit? Yugyeom’s dumb ass cut his finger again—wow. Are you giving up cooking to pursue decorating flower arrangements?” You shoved the older boy before removing your apron and reaching for your bag. 

“I have to meet up with someone. Can you let Jaebum know? I should be back in an hour. Thanks Jinyoung.” Before he could open his mouth to say anything, you were making your way out of the restaurant. You began feeling nervous, but at the same time a part of you felt happy to see him again and you hated yourself for feeling that way. 

He asked you to meet him at a coffee shop the two of you would always frequent back when you were together. He chose that place on purpose, you were sure of it. First the sunflowers, now your favorite cafe you haven’t been to since the breakup. He was trying to get you to reminisce on what once was and you weren’t going to allow yourself to fall for it. After pulling up to the shop and parking your car, you made your way in to the coffee shop and it didn’t take long for you to see him sitting in the corner. You walked over towards him and your heart warmed when a smile rose on his face as soon you made eye contact with each other. 

“Hey! I’m not taking you out of work or anything am I?” You shook your head in disagreement and took a seat. You’d be lying to yourself if you said he didn’t look good. He was growing out his hair and you couldn’t help but smile at the thought of him doing it for you. Mark would always complain about how his hair would get in his eyes once it grew a certain length but you made sure he was aware of how much his long hair would turn you on. At one point, his hair went past his neck and that’s when you decided it was time he got a haircut. The memory made you smile to yourself. 

“I ordered your usual if that’s okay. If you’re not in to ice caramel macchiatos with coconut milk anymore I can go change it—“ he stood up but you motioned for him to sit back down. It was so cute how flustered he was acting towards you. Were you really in a relationship with this man for over seven years? He was acting as if it was your first date all over again. 

“That’s fine Mark. It sounds really good actually. I haven’t been here for quite a while. I’m glad to see it hasn’t changed a bit.” The two of you sat in silence for a few moments and you tried to look around the room in attempts to feel less awkward until he spoke up. 

“I’m sorry.” 

You looked up at him in curiosity and decided to stay silent as he continued. “I’m very grateful you agreed to meet up with me. I don’t deserve to be here with you right now and I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but you didn’t let me explain myself at the bus stop—“ 

Why did he feel like this was a good environment to talk about your failed relationship? You were sure he knew you were probably going to cry, so why did he want to talk about such a sensitive topic in the public? “Mark—“ timing always seemed to be on your side. The waitress came over and gave you both your drinks all the while handing you a cranberry scone. You could feel your throat getting dry as your tears began to form. This was all too much for you to handle but you didn’t want to cause a scene, so you quietly thanked the waitress and kept your eyes on the table. 

“Erica and I, I’m sure you’re aware of it. You’ve always been so good at observing people. We’re not an actual couple. My father set me up for an arranged marriage with her in order to strengthen our companies together. I haven’t been in a relationship since our break up and because of this, my father took matters in to his own hands and being the weakling I am, I agreed to go along with it. But I hate it y/n. The meeting we had the other day was the first time I’ve seen her in months and she’s taking this whole arrangement better than I am but I’m sure she’s just as upset if not more with her father. I haven’t been treating her too kindly and it’s not her fault that this is happening, but you and I both know I don’t want to spend my life with anyone other than you. It’s always been you y/n. I meant what I said when I told you we were soulmates.”

You took a sip of your drink, but you didn’t have much of an appetite the more he continued to talk. As much as you didn’t think you could continue listening to him confess his feelings for you, you wanted to hear what he had to say. Which is why you found yourself still sitting in front of him instead of running out like you probably would have if he did something like this right after your break up. 

“I should’ve stood up to my parents, and told them how proud I was of you. How proud I am of you. Look at you. You’re one of the most youngest and extremely successful chefs in the country. You have your own restaurant and achieved everything you said you were going to do. You’re such a wonderful human being y/n and I hate myself for humiliating you and making you feel worthless. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m still so fucking in love with you and it fucking sucks because it’s my fault we’re like this. I don’t know how you feel about me, you could hate my guts for all I know but I deserve it. It’s obvious there’s no way we can be together again and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to get back with me even if there was a chance for us. But I have to go through with this wedding and I think this is my karma. I have to spend the rest of my life being miserable because of the choice I made that night. You have to admit though, meeting up again after all of these years is fate.” He scratched the back of his neck, something he always did when he felt as if he was upsetting you. 

“I’m not going to lie, I found myself searching you up on several occasions to see how you were doing, to see if you accomplished what you put yourself out to do. There were so many times I found myself standing outside of your restaurant, but I didn’t think I deserved to come in. When Erica told me where she was planning on getting the food from, I felt a tad bit excited at the thought of seeing you again. I’ve missed you so much y/n. I can’t even describe how painful it was to lose you. The day I let you walk away was the worst day of my life. If I could go back to that night and did what I should’ve done, I would.” 

You scoffed in disbelief. “But you can’t Mark. The damage is done, so take it for what it is. You didn’t love or care for me enough to think that something like this would happen. You should have known that you would have to choose between me and your family and you chose them. You knew how becoming a chef was my one and only dream; that’s why you supported it. When your mom laughed in my face and tried to make me feel pathetic for wanting to be a chef, it felt like a slap in the face and I didn’t care how much I loved you. I wouldn’t have given up my career to impress your family or to find another job that would make me miserable just to be good enough for you.” You clenched your jaw and could feel your anger building up. You were afraid of saying something you would soon regret if you were to stay a little while longer.

“I tried telling myself that it was hard for you, to choose between your mom and I, but if I were in your shoes, I would’ve chose you. I would’ve done anything for you Mark. I didn’t care about anyone or anything other than my passion for cooking and you. You were all that I thought I could ever need. So that’s why I was devastated when you didn’t seem to have the same mindset that I had. I don’t know what you wanted to come out of our meeting today and I’m sorry if you thought that by apologizing, I would magically end up back in your arms again. It doesn’t work that way Mark. I think it’s best for us to pretend as if we don’t know each other. You’re just another client to me. What we had was indescribably beautiful, but it is no longer. Nor will it ever be again. I’m sorry you’re being forced in to marriage, but you do have a say in it. You just can’t go against your parents wishes. You’re a grown man Mark. Not everything your parents want for you is what’s best for you. It’s okay to choose yourself sometimes. Thank you for the coffee and the scone. Have a nice rest of your day.” 

You ran out of the cafe and quickly got in to your car before you could react to the whole interaction and soon your sobs echoed throughout your car. 

I’m still so fucking in love with you. 

Out of everything he said, those words stuck with you. They were haunting you and you knew you still loved him too. There was no doubt about it. But there was nothing either of you could do about it. He was getting married and with the way he was allowing himself to go through with it, you knew he’d continue doing whatever he could to please his parents. You refused to be with someone who wouldn’t stand their ground when the situation called for it. Instead of returning back to the restaurant, you made your way home. There was no way you could work without breaking down and crying. 

You texted Jaebum and let him know of your plans in which he was quick to offer to head to your place once he was finished. But you didn’t want to burden him with your problems and you wanted to be alone. Mark reached out to you, apologizing for pulling such a stunt and accepting the fact that the two of you weren’t going to be what you used to be. As the months went by, the wedding date only got closer and closer and to your surprise, you and Mark became friends. 

After that day in the coffee shop, he gave you your space and didn’t hear from him unless he had to call you about the wedding. However, there was one night he called you in the wee hours of the morning and you couldn’t help but answer the call. He never used to wake you up with a phone call unless it was urgent and when you heard him crying over the phone, you knew it was serious. Mark was infamous for having panic attacks and he made it known to you that you were the only one who could get him to calm down. 

He knew he was taking advantage of having your number, and he was selfish for wanting to call you. But he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop crying unless he heard your voice and that’s exactly why he dialed your number. You did your best to console him softly and soothingly and after a few moments, his sobs finally stopped. Hearing him so weak and fragile broke your heart and you decided to forget about everything negative for a little while in order to focus on him. 

You loved this man for a huge chunk of your life; you weren’t going to allow him to suffer on his own if there was something you could do about it. After that night, you let him know that he could find solace in you whenever he needed to. It didn’t take long for the two of you to start talking to each other on a daily basis and you finally accepted the fact that you were falling back in love with him. However, as soon as you felt yourself gaining back your feelings for him, you had to remind yourself that he was going to be a married man in less than a month. 

Although he wasn’t romantically involved with Erica, he was hers legally. You and Mark were stuck in your own little world that you failed to notice your surroundings and what was going on around you. The closer you got with Mark, the more distant you became with Jaebum and you knew it had to deal with the fact that he had feelings for you. 

You liked Jaebum, there was no questioning your feelings for him. But the love you had for Mark was strong, too fierce for you to look at anyone else in the way you looked at him. If you and Jaebum were meant to be more than friends, something would’ve happened between the two of you a long time ago.

Jaebum didn’t know that Mark was the one you were constantly sneaking around to meet with, but he knew there was someone who was currently taking up all the space in your mind and possibly your heart. You didn’t realize how serious things were getting between the two of you until Erica asked to schedule a meeting with you. She never really worried about anything considering your catering share of the wedding and if she did, she would normally call you. So you were curious as to why she was wanting to meet in person. When she entered your office, she had a blank expression on her face and you were quick to notice the way her brows were furrowing as if something was on her mind. You were surprised when the question fell from her lips. 

“Please be honest with me. From one woman to another, you and Mark. You weren’t just classmates, were you?” 

You began to chew on your bottom lip and took a deep breath in before responding. “Did he tell you something?” 

She shook her head. “No. That’s why I’m here, asking you. His dad told my dad that he thinks Mark is secretly seeing someone. Apparently Mark’s been in a very good mood lately and I couldn’t help but notice it happened right after our meeting. Please let me know if there’s anything going on between the two of you so that I can cancel this whole thing. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but I don’t want to go along with marrying him if someone else is in the picture.” 

You began nervously picking at your nails and couldn’t look at her in the eyes. Although you knew that her and Mark weren’t actually together, you couldn’t help but feel guilty. But you didn’t understand why. It’s not like you and Mark were seeing each other. The two of you were just friends. However, she did have a right to worry about Mark interacting with another woman, even if you weren’t together romantically. If word got out that he was having an affair, both his and her father’s companies would receive a lot of backlash. So you could see why she wanted to know. 

“Mark and I were in a relationship almost four years ago. But I promise you, there’s nothing going on between us. What he and I had was in the past. We’re friends, but that’s all we’re going to be. However, if you don’t want to go through with the wedding, do it for yourself. Mark told me about the arrangement. You shouldn’t have to get married to someone you don’t want to marry for the sake of your father’s company. You’re still so young, I’m sure there are many men out there—“ 

She frowned. “You don’t understand how this works do you? Our engagement is already out in the public. Hundreds of businessmen invested in to both our companies because of it. We can’t stop the wedding for no reason y/n. Mark and I may not be a couple and we both probably will never have whatever it is the two of you once had. But he and I both were groomed to take over our companies one day and we are both responsible for making decisions that will benefit our businesses. Whether we like it or not. I’m asking you now, for the sake of your business and ours. I didn’t want it to come to this, but I won’t hesitate to take your restaurant down if you do get in the way of our wedding. If you know what’s best for you, leave my fiancée alone. I’ve also decided that we will no longer be needing your services. Thank you for your time.” 

With that, she took her bag and stormed out of the room, leaving you speechless. You sank lower in to your seat and your heart felt as if it was going to jump out of your chest. Erica was a very polite woman, but hearing her threaten your restaurant made your blood boil. You had no intentions of getting in the way of her and Mark’s wedding and if anything, it was him who was instigating everything between the two of you. 

As much as you cared for Mark, if you continued being friends with him, both you and him would suffer the consequences. It wasn’t Erica that you were afraid of. She was all words, you knew she was just trying to scare you. You were however, afraid of what both her father and Mark’s father were capable of doing if they did find out about your friendship with your ex. You teared up at the thought of losing him again; you were getting used to his presence and having him around, now you were going to lose him permanently. However, that’s what was best for the two of you. You typed out multiple texts, letting him know that you could no longer be friends with him, but you found yourself deleting the messages all-together. 

You couldn’t do it, you couldn’t lose him. Then the thought of your restaurant, your employees and all that you’ve been through to get to where you were ran through your mind and that’s why you told Mark that you could not continue your friendship and that you were no longer going to be catering to his wedding. As soon as you sent the text, you sank to your knees and cried for what felt like hours. It seemed as if every time you cried at work, Mark was the reason. 

You heard a soft knock at the door and you were too distraught to ask whoever was knocking to leave you alone. When Jaebum made his way in to the room, it all felt like deja vu. Just a few months ago, he was consoling you over Mark coming back in to your life. Now here he was, rocking you back and forth at the thought of losing Mark. He didn’t say anything and continued to run his fingers through your hair as your tears kept flowing down your cheeks. When Jaebum realized that you were no longer heaving, he motioned for you to look up at him.

“It’s because of that guy Mark again isn’t it?” You shyly nodded in agreement and Jaebum sighed. “Does it have to deal with his engagement, or is it personal?” You began to contemplate telling him exactly what just went down between you and Erica just a few minutes ago. As your main sous chef and best friend, he had the right to know. 

“Erica no longer wants us to cater to their wedding and it’s because she thinks Mark and I are having an affair.” You could cut the tension in the air with a knife. You could feel Jaebum frown against your neck but you didn’t want to act upon it. 

“I know you y/n, you’re not the type of person to do something like that. Or at least that’s what I’d like to think. But is her assumptions true? Are you and Mark back together again?” You were quick to disagree. You didn’t think your friendship with Mark was going to get in the way of their marriage, but if Erica was willing to cut you off from catering to the wedding, then it was probably serious. After taking a few minutes to get yourself together, you explained everything to Jaebum. From the time you and Mark started dating, to the night of his parents anniversary. Then you updated him on how the two of you became friends again and he just sat there as you talked like the amazing listener he was. When he felt like you were done going in to detail about the mess you were in, he spoke up. 

“You don’t still have any feelings for him, do you?” He took your silence as your answer and released a frustrated sigh. He wasn’t upset with the fact that you gained feelings for your ex boyfriend. It was inevitable. No matter what happened between the two of you and no matter how long you’ve been apart from each other, you could never forget your first love. Just like you, Jaebum was afraid of taking things further with you just in case it didn’t work out between the two of you. 

He wanted you in his life whatever way he’d be able to have you, even if it meant just being your best friend. For the three years he’s known you for, there was always a part of you that you hid from the world, including himself. He knew something must’ve happened to you prior to becoming friends with you, but he never wanted to ask about it. Seeing the way you reacted right after your first meeting with Mark answered pretty much all of his questions and he knew that there was a chance you were still in love with Mark. Jaebum was there for you through it all. 

He’s seen you at your lowest points, and he’s been with you through your highest. He was completely aware that you were such a tough person with a good head on your shoulders. However, after seeing you so fragile, so broken over what had just happened made him worry that not even he could fix you.

“Y/n.” You looked up at him with the saddest look on your face and Jaebum swore his heart broke in that very moment. “If it’s meant to be, it will be. Okay? Love will always find a way. You said so yourself, they’re in an arranged marriage and he’s told you multiple times that he’s still in love with you. If he loves you like he claims he does, then he’ll do whatever he has to do to make things right. Even if it means finally standing up to his parents and backing out of the wedding. If he can’t do that, then it’s obvious he doesn’t deserve you. And I’m telling you right now, if he ends up breaking your heart again y/n, I won’t hesitate to kick his ass.” 

You giggled softly in to his chest before placing a chaste kiss there. You honestly don’t know what you’d do without Jaebum. Your life was so much easier with him in it. Once he felt like you were completely calmed down, he stood up and brought you up with him. He snickered at your tear stained face and placed some of your hair behind your ear. 

“Come on, put on your big girl shoes and let’s get cooking. The guys and I feel as if we hardly see you nowadays and I know Mr.CEO has a lot to do with it. I hope he knows that the six of us will always be your favorite men. I’m obviously the number one man in your life.” You playfully pinched his cheek and put your hair up while Jaebum helped you with your apron. 

You tried your best to focus on cooking and the jokes the guys kept making throughout the day, but you couldn’t help the fact that your mind kept wandering to Mark. Did he get your message? Did Erica talk to him? How did he feel when you told him you could no longer be apart of his life anymore? The day felt as if it was dragging on and you couldn’t wait for it to be over with. Luckily, many customers seemed to come in, giving you a chance to focus on something other than Erica and Mark. Once it was time to close, you made a beeline for your phone and frowned when you saw all the missed calls and text messages from Mark. 

You weren’t ready to hear what he had to say, so you shoved your phone in your bag and packed up your things in order to go home. As you were walking towards the kitchen, you felt a gentle tug on your wrist. 

“I know you’re probably going to overthink if you go home tonight and as much as you want to be by yourself, maybe it’s best if you slept over my place. Just for tonight. We could watch a movie and I’ll make you some ramen. I’ll even give you my favorite hoodie that you love so much. Please? I hate the thought of you suffering alone. We can even steal some ice cream from the freezer.” 

You smirked in response, causing his grin to widen. “Fine. You had me at your hoodie. And ramen. Thank you Jaebum. You’re truly amazing you know that?” He playfully wiggled his brows at you. 

“Oh I know. I’m a catch. I hope you know I wouldn’t do this kind of thing for anyone else. Jackson still complains that he has yet to see my apartment. You’re special y/n and you mean a lot to me.” You were sure he could see the blush that rose upon your cheeks, but he didn’t say anything as he took your bags and led you to his car. 

The drive to his place was quiet, other than the soft jazz playing on the radio; but you liked it. It was a peaceful and calming kind of silence. Most of your rides with Jaebum would consist of loud music as the two of you would sing along to at the top of your lungs, but Jaebum knew that’s not what you needed right now. Once he pulled in to his complex, he walked over to your side and helped you out. Sometimes, you found yourself wondering how your life would be like if you and Jaebum were to end up together. 

He was quite the gentleman, he knew exactly what to do to make you laugh and smile like an idiot, he took such good care of you and wanted nothing but the best for you. However, your heart always belong to Mark and over the years, you continued holding on to a tiny string of hope that he would come to his senses one day and finally choose you. 

After entering his apartment, he quickly made his way to his room to get you something to wear as you took your place on his couch. You decided against looking at your phone for the rest of the night just because you didn’t want to ruin your time with Jaebum. The thought of losing Mark permanently sent an upsetting feeling to your stomach and you were sure he was doing his best to get in touch with you in order to prevent you from doing so. But there wasn’t anything you could do. The ball was in his court now. If he wanted it to be different this time, it was all up to him. 

“Here. I got you some sweats too if that’s okay.” You smiled politely at him and followed him to the kitchen where he began cooking dinner for the both of you. The night was spent eating everything his fridge had to offer while watching the first three Star Wars movies. He pulled you close to him and had his arm wrapped around your shoulder throughout the entirety of the night. You’ve always felt so safe in Jaebum’s arms and you were afraid of how lost you’d feel if you no longer had him around. 

Everyone and their mothers knew that Jaebum harbored feelings for you, it was painfully obvious and the guys made it known almost every day. You were afraid that knowing you were trying to mend your relationship with Mark would only ruin your friendship with Jaebum. If you had to choose between the two of them, you know you’d choose Jaebum. 

Mark chose his family that night, but Jaebum always chose you no matter the circumstance. When you called him and asked him to come work for you, he already had many offers on the table from well known restaurants that he’s never told you about, but he agreed to you in a heartbeat. When his ex girlfriend at the time didn’t approve of his friendship with you and had him choose between you and her, he broke up with her the following morning. 

In the first month after your restaurant opening, you hardly had any customers and you were so embarrassed. You didn’t know what to do. It came to a point where you wanted to give it all up, but the man whose arms were currently wrapped around you never let you do so. Jaebum had always known you were destined for greatness. You were the most hard working and passionate person he knew; so he did his best to put your restaurant on the map by handing out fliers, putting ads online and even handing out free samples to people. It didn’t take long for customers to start coming in and no matter how many times you’ve thanked him for making your restaurant what it was, he made sure you knew it was all because of your talent and determination. 

Your heart cried for the older boy. You wished you could return the same feelings for him. However, even if Mark didn’t come back in to your life, you were sure a relationship between you and Jaebum wouldn’t blossom. The two of you have known each other for too long to put your friendship at risk if something negative were to happen. 

You didn’t even realize you fell asleep on his shoulder during revenge of the sith nor did you feel the soft kiss that was placed against your lips as he placed you gently on to his bed. When you woke up the next morning, it took you a few seconds to recognize where you were; but you’ve slept over Jaebum’s apartment countless times to know you were in his room. The navy blue bed sheets and cream walls suited him. So did the Bart Simpson poster on the wall. You made your way out in to the living room and frowned when you noticed he wasn’t there. It was then that you realized what time it was and began to freak out. Did you really sleep until 11:30? It was practically already lunch time and you were about to lose your mind until you noticed the post-it note waiting for you on the counter. 

“Hey, I’m not too sure when you’ll read this and knowing you, I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m home by the time you actually get up. I went to work. I didn’t want to wake you, you deserve a break after everything you’ve went through yesterday. I’ve prepared you some breakfast, it’s sitting in the microwave. You kept stealing all the blanket last night by the way, so you owe me one. Rest up and I’ll see you later. Have a nice rest of your morning..or afternoon.-JB” 

you smiled at his words before eating your breakfast and deciding to head back to your place. You didn’t want to take advantage of Jaebum’s generosity and you really wanted to take a shower. Since he was the one to drive you over to his place, you called for an Uber and patiently waited for it to arrive. 

In that moment, you took out your phone and finally began to read Mark’s texts and listened to the voicemails he left. As soon as you heard his muffled cries, you began tearing up yourself. He sounded extremely devastated. He had just gotten you back in to his life and he knew he was slowly gaining back your trust. There was no way he was going to lose you that easily. Mark knew what had to be done in order to win back your love completely and even if it took him years of being away from you and crying over you to come to this point, he was prepared to give up everything for you. 

His texts were filled with apologies but it seemed as if he didn’t know what to do either. There was no way he would stop being friends with you, but he too was afraid of what his father was capable of. Throughout the entire ride, you felt numb. You couldn’t think. Sure, you could beg and plead for Mark to leave you alone even if you both knew that’s not what you wanted. But you knew Mark, he wasn’t going to give up that easily. You just weren’t sure of what he had planned or how far he was willing to go for you. 

After the driver dropped you off to your building, it took all your energy to drag your body to the elevator. Your fingers hovered over his contact multiple times. It was selfish of you and you knew that you’d only make things worse by trying to reach out to him after telling him to leave you alone. However, the slumped figure that was sitting on your welcome mat made your head spin. Not knowing how long he’s been waiting there for, you found yourself running towards him and he was quick to lift his head up at the sound of your shoes against the concrete. 

Once his eyes landed on yours, he got up from his spot on the ground and didn’t hesitate to pull you in his arms. You felt so relieved yet extremely nervous to see him. What was he doing there? Was he not afraid of the consequences if Erica were to find out he continued to stay in contact with you? You felt tears against your neck as his grip on your waist only tightened. 

“Mark, what are you doing here? How long have you been waiting for?” You opened the door to your apartment and pulled him in, not noticing that he had yet to respond. Before you could ask any more questions walk any further, he turned you to face him and hesitantly brought his hand up to your cheek. “Mark—“ when you felt his lips against yours, it’s as time stopped and the room began to spin in slow motion. 

You knew it was wrong, but you’ve missed the sensation of his lips on yours. It felt so foreign, yet all too familiar and you didn’t realize how much you craved the taste of his lips until you deepened the kiss. Things began getting hot and heavy between the two of you, after not having each other like this in so long your bodies were reacting desperately and hearing his sweet moans sent warmth to your core. Unfortunately, red flags began to go off in your mind, causing you to pull away. He knew you were confused by the dazed look on your face so before you could say anything, he spoke up. 

“I quit today.” You looked up at him in shock. What exactly did he mean? He giggled at your blank expression before stealing one more kiss. 

“I’m assuming Erica confronted you and threatened you. She told me she went to see you and I knew something was up when she said she was no longer in need of your services. She began to belittle you and said rude things about you and I couldn’t take it so I stormed out of the conference room at her dad’s company and made my way to my family’s company. That’s also around the same time I got your messages and I was pissed. I know I don’t deserve it; I don’t deserve you, but I just got you back in my life. This is the happiest I’ve been in a really long time. There’s no way I was going to lose you again. Not if there was anything I could do about it. I made my way up to my dad’s office and let my heart do the talking. I told him I was resigning and refused to go on with the wedding.” 

He smiled gently at you and playfully booped your nose. “I chose you, something I should’ve done three years ago. My dad was furious and even started cussing at me. I’m pretty sure I’m disowned by my family now, but I don’t care. You’re all the family that I could ever need. I know, you probably think I’m insane for doing something so abrupt and not putting more thought in to it and I did it without even knowing how you feel. I don’t know whether or not you’d want to be with me. I can only hope and pray that you’ll take me back. Even if you decide that it’s too late for us, I don’t regret my decision one bit. In choosing you, I also chose myself. I don’t know why I allowed the wedding plans to get this far. I just felt like I deserved it I guess.”

He gently placed his forehead against yours and grazed your wrist with his thumb. “The thought of you made me realize that I’m so much more than what my parents want me to be. As much as I hated not having you in my life, maybe we needed this. I mean, I needed it. I learned my lesson. I’m a grown ass man, I have the right to make my own decisions. Even if it means going against my parent’s wishes. There’s so many opportunities I missed out on because it wasn’t something they would’ve been proud of. But I don’t give a shit about what they want anymore. It took me years to come to the realization that they couldn’t give two shits about my happiness yet I was so willing to do anything and everything they asked of me. I wanted to be the perfect son and I lost both you and myself in the process. Fucked up isn’t it?” 

You could feel him tense up at the thought of all he’s been through and you found yourself gently caressing his arms in attempts to calm him down. “You don’t have to say anything, I know it’s a lot to take in. It was a lot for me. I came here as soon as I left the company. I needed to see you and tell you everything. I’m screwed, honestly. I don’t have a college degree nor do I have much experience, but that’s not my main focus right now. I’ll worry about all of that later. You. You’re all that matters right now. I’m all yours if you’ll have me y/n. I can’t give you much. I can no longer provide for you in the ways that I used to be able to. But I can give you my mind, body, heart and soul. I’ll support you, care for you, love you. Do whatever you need me to do. I’ll be whatever you need me to be. I built thick skin during the time we were apart. I truly believe that God, for whatever reason that I will be forever grateful for, brought us together again and I couldn’t let you get away this time. I love you y/n and I’m sorry. I know that my apologies probably don’t mean anything to you, but I’ll spend the rest of my life proving to you that I’m deserving of you and your love. That you’re all I could ever dream of. I’m going to do whatever I can to gain your trust again. We’ll take things at your pace y/n, that is if you decide you’re willing to come back to me.” 

For months after your breakup, you found yourself crying and getting drunk almost every single day in order to prevent your mind from wandering to him. It took you almost an entire year to come to terms with your breakup. You tried your best to lie to yourself, telling yourself that you hated him. That he was never man enough for you. That you deserved better. You made a promise to yourself that if Mark were to ever come back and beg you to return to him, you wouldn’t give in. 

However, the handsome man standing in front of you was different than the boy who failed to put you before his family. He was more mature, he finally realized his worth and no longer cared about what anyone other than you had to think about him. It took a long time, but you were over the moon to hear his sudden confession. You were glad he was aware that you deserved better. But you didn’t want better. You wanted Mark. For as long as time would permit you to have him for. Seeing the way he was looking at you with so much love and admiration in his gaze is the reason you found yourself reconnecting your lips together. You could only hope that he could feel the love you had for him through the kiss and as he smiled against the corner of your lips, you knew your message was received. 

“I love you too Mark. So much. I wish I could say I stopped, only because I was so upset with you. But I never stopped and I know I never will. You own this pathetic heart of mine. I know I deserve better, but I also know that you’re not the same person you were three years ago. I’m so proud of you for building up the courage and putting your foot down. God, you have such a way with words. I really don’t know how to respond to all of that. I’ve missed you so much. I’m sorry you had to sacrifice practically your entire life for me, but I’m extremely happy you did. Like you said, you didn’t do it just for me, you did it for yourself too. I know it will be hard for you to start from scratch, but you’ve never failed to make me proud in all that you’ve accomplished. I’m sure you’ve gained a lot of knowledge working at the company. You could go to college and get your degree in architecture and maybe even start your own company. I’ll be by your side the entire time and I’ll help you in any way possible.” 

You smiled up widely at him and giggled when you saw tears form at his eyes. “You were always so sensitive, come here my crybaby.” You brought him towards your living room and laid on your couch, brining him down with you. He placed his head against your chest and began leaving soft kisses along your jaw. 

“You’re perfect, you know that? Thank you for taking me back baby. You won’t regret it.” To your dismay, he got up off of you and as you were about to complain about the loss of warmth, he threw you over his shoulder and playfully slapped your cute little butt. 

“Mark! What are you doing?!” He laughed as he made his way to what he thought was your bedroom. 

“Three years. I went three years without you and your beautiful body. I haven’t had sex in three years y/n, I’m sure I could be considered a born again virgin. I’m sex deprived, hell, I don’t even know if this thing still works. Give it a try babe. Don’t look at me like that. We have a lot to make up for, so be prepared. Why don’t you take out all your built up anger you’ve built up over the years and dom me princess—OW. Yes, I love the aggressiveness—okay I don’t find that kinky at all—will you stop that?” He threw you down on your bed and jumped on top of you. Your hands made their way in to his hair and gently tugged on it, earning yourself an erotic moan. 

Mark began leaving kisses all around your face before making his way down towards where you needed him the most. As he began nipping and sucking on your chest, he suddenly pulled away, earning himself a glare. However, his next words made your cheeks warm. “Thank you for coming back to me baby. This is only the beginning of our forever. Aw babe, don’t start getting emotional on me now. I was just seconds away from eating your pretty pussy and fucking your brains out—okay. You’re definitely gonna get it.” 

Before he could go any further, you cupped his chin with your fingers and made eye contact with him. “I love you Mark Tuan.” He kissed you passionately, as if his life depended on it before grinding himself in to your thigh. “I love you more y/n. Don’t you ever forget it.”

[chaoticspacefam]

(Fandom meme) B and N 👀

Thank you for the asks, Pinky! @palepinkycat I’m gonna stick to SWTOR for this one since I p much live in this fandom now, y’all are never getting rid of me. I’m like the lil funky ghost that comes with the apartment 🤪😂

This got long again oops, so under a cut to avoid eating/lagging ppl’s dashes bc of the gifs. No specific trigger warnings tho, so continue without a worry, this is just because it got kinda long :P

B - A pairing you initially didn’t consider but someone changed your mind 

I have a couple, actually!

1) Lana/Koth (and by extension Saarai/Lana/Koth) - this one actually started as a silly animatic idea to the song “Sorry I Stole Your Girlfriend” by Stereo Skyline (which, yes, is also where their ship name comes from ;) XD) which I shared with one of my friends on Discord (who afaik doesn’t have a tumblr, but they’re gr8 and I love them very much owo), and then in a cider-tipsy 3am revelation my brain gremlins took control and put to me the idea of “But what if they ALL kissed?” basically. Fren encouraged me to do it bc they thought it sounded cute af, and around that time I also started vibing with Bagel over Discord, who further jumped on the “polyam triad gremlin train” and that was that. So y’all can blame my anonymous amazing Discord friend and @darth-bagel for encouraging me to make the OT3 a thing even tho there was pretty much NO content of the sort (I think there’s one other Lana/Koth fic on AO3??) So this is literally a case of:

They’re very cute, I love them SO much they are literally my new favourite ship to write. I would die for all three of them 🥺🥺🥺 & the haters can die mad about it lmao

2) Sith Inquisitor(F! mostly for me but ya know, I think M!Inquisitor could work just as well :’3)/Andronikos: at first I was very reticent to try this one, bc I started out with a M!Inq and I was worried Andronikos would be like Doc 2.0, but I saw a lot of nice fanfics for them and decided to try it out with Ni’kasi and that’s it. I love them now. I would die for them just as much as the OT3 XD

3) F!Jedi Consular/F!Sith Warrior: Again, because there is just a stunning lack of this content on AO3, see the gif in #1 😂  This is 100% Ariano’s fault, they’ve wormed their way into my angstyfluff brainrot. This pairing has so much potential guys. THE DRAMA. THE ✨A N G S T✨ I cannot talk about it enough 🥺

Honourable mentions for: Jaesa/Vette and Ashara/Jaesa which are rlly darn cute, and also bc it was the first longfic I ever read, and idk the author’s tumblr or if they’re even active anymore, but I need to go back and re-read the fic one day: F!Jedi Knight/F!Sith Warrior and Jaesa/Vette/Kira because the way they wrote them in that fic was so good I cri ;A;

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice)

1) Repeatable 👏 Companion 👏 and 👏 romance 👏 cutscenes!!! BIOWARE. GIVE ME. NOW. I don’t care if it’s the same 3 - 4 animations/cutscenes that can be replayed at my leisure/whenever I want, I WANT IT. ghsyugyudfd

2) More vanilla companion and romance content in general. A lot of my toons have romanced either Koth or Lana so we get a fair bit in KOTFEET but after that even they haven’t had much. Poor Vano hasn’t had a decent convo with Vette, who she considers like a sister, since her re-recruitment in KOTFE. GIVE ME CONTENT, DEVS, I MISS THEM *stamps my tiny feet* Also, leading in from this: more “neutral”/non-romance dialogue options without having to be a dick to ppl, please?!?! Just bc I don’t wanna smash doesn’t mean I wanna be mean (to everyone. Some of them deserve it, but most of them, I would actually like to be friends with, pwease?! XD)

3) More varied companions!! There’s a whole goddamn galaxy of REALLY COOL interesting species, why are like 90% of our perma-companions all human Bioware?! I know you can do better than that. Gimme more Purebloods, Nautolans, Mirialans, hell, every species tbh. I just think they’re neat ok.

Honourable mentions: POLYAM RELATIONSHIPS IN CANON: LET ME KISS THEM BOTH BIOWARE, YOU COWARDS! ✨ Vaylin “redemption” arc ✨ (and by that I don’t necessarily mean that she has to join the Alliance but at least a tiny sort of rapport with an Outlander who is willing to try enough to plant the thought in her head that they hate Valkorion as much as she does, who can help Vaylin get away from all the conditioning and let her disappear off to Voss or wherever she needs to go to heal herself from all that trauma bc Vaylin deserved better goddammit!), more “repeatable” content in KOTFEET style, I know it’s probably reaching/impossible but I really want the option to rerun the class stories without having to make another clone ok. I’m gonna run outta those slots eventually bioware P L S 🥺 , options to “recruit” long-running NPCs from the other expacs that we never see again e.g. Cytharat and others I can’t think of rn but like...lemme?? pls, bioware 🥺🥺, aaanddd finally, more female companions that aren’t your padawan/apprentice/significantly at a power loss in comparison to you??? it’s super creepy c’mon ughh.

[winchester-fantasies]

Backtrack - Summer of ‘98: Chapter 7

Backtrack Masterlist

Series Summary: What if you were the one Dean came to instead of Lisa? Rewrite of “Swan Song” and some of S6.

Word Count: 1607

Warnings: angst, fluff, allusions to sex and loss of virginity, swearing

Pairing: Dean x Female!Reader

A/N: And so we come to the end of Part One of Backtrack. Thank you to everyone that has stuck around and for being so supportive of this series. ❤❤ Hope you enjoy the last chapter of Summer of ‘98, and I can’t wait to share the next part!! Chapter 7′s song: Blue Jeans by Lana Del Rey. 

Winchester Fantasies’ Masterlist

You awoke the next morning to the sounds of seagulls and crashing waves. The smell of salt hung thick in the air and the first rays of sunlight touched your skin. 

Your eyes fluttered open, finding yourself wrapped in Dean’s arms. You blushed as the night before came rushing back. You’d lost your virginity, but you couldn’t have been happier than losing it to the man you now knew held your heart.

You studied his face in the soft light of morning, committing to memory every detail. You reached up, ghosting your fingers across the smooth skin of his cheek. He stirred, his eyes moving behind his eyelids before finally opening, those green orbs staring back at you with such intense tenderness you shuddered.

“Mornin’, beautiful,” Dean murmured, his voice gruff and heavy with sleep.

“Hi,” you whispered softly.

You and Dean stayed there for awhile longer, just enjoying the sounds of morning and reveling in one another and the closeness you shared. But as with all good things, it came to an end. 

Dean got up from the ground, extending his hand and helping you up. You found it hard to get redressed, you and Dean alternating between stolen kisses and subtle touches that left you feeling on fire and wanting nothing more than to take off each article of clothing you were putting on and lose yourselves in one another once again. 

You walked slowly back the way you’d come the night before. Remnants of the party littered the beach - beer cans, plates, and half-eaten food. The bonfire had long since burned out; only embers remained. 

Dean squeezed your hand as you passed the beach and you glanced up at him, his eyes shining and a grin plastering his face, bigger than you could ever remember seeing. You smiled in return, moving closer and leaning up to kiss him. 

“You wanna grab some breakfast at that diner when we get back?” Dean asked.

“Yeah, I’d like that,” you said, grinning and biting your lower lip. “Just let me get a quick shower and a change of clothes.”

“Not that they’ll stay on for very long,” Dean said with a salacious wink, causing you to look to the ground, your cheeks stained red. 

You and Dean were so absorbed in one another that you didn’t notice John by the Impala as you neared your houses. “Where the hell you been?” John hollered gruffly, pulling you and Dean back to the present.

Dean frowned and you felt him tense beside you, his hand gripping yours just a little tighter. “Dad?” he asked with a mixture of suspicion and nervousness. “What’s going on?”

John looked at you for a moment before glancing back to his son, the two men exchanging a look you couldn’t read. Dean glanced at you, squeezing your hand once more before letting it go and making his way to his dad.

Dean and John started talking, their voices muffled and too quiet for you to make out anything. But you could tell John was upset about something if his rigid stance, hard expression, and wild hand motions were any indication. 

Dean’s face darkened, putting his hands on his hips. He looked to the ground, his jaw clenching as he listened to his father speak. You felt a knot of uneasiness form in the pit of your stomach as Dean glanced up, meeting your gaze. Something in his eyes was different. Something that made you question what was about to happen.

John finally stopped speaking, a glance your way only causing you to feel even more vulnerable and afraid. Dean finally nodded slowly, his lips pursed. 

It seemed as if everything was moving in slow motion as he turned towards you, making his way back to you. His shoulders were slumped and the light you’d witnessed in his peridot eyes was gone, replaced with something you could only describe as morose.

You swallowed hard as he came to stand in front of you. You expected him to reach out for you, to touch you in some way, but instead he just stood there, keeping a good two feet between you. 

“Is...is everything okay?” you whispered, your voice so tiny you weren’t even sure he’d heard you.

He refused to meet your gaze, his eyes trained to the ground as his jaw ticked. “We’re leaving,” he said simply. 

His words had been spoken quietly, but it felt as if the air had been knocked from your lungs. “Wh...what?” you asked, tears springing to your eyes.

Dean finally looked up at you, a look of remorse evident in his eyes. “We’re leaving,” he repeated. “Dad’s...job.”

You nodded, your turn to look at the ground as the will to hold back your tears became too much. You knew this day would come. Dean had been open about it from the start. But you’d pushed it back, always praying and hoping that maybe it would never come to pass. 

“I’m sorry, (Y/N),” he said, the absence of his usual ‘Baby’ not going unnoticed. 

You swallowed again, your throat dry. You licked your lips, the saltiness of your tears meeting your taste buds as you looked back up at him. You nodded, a shuddering breath leaving your body. “It...it’s okay,” you whispered, your voice quivering. 

Dean’s face contorted in pain as he watched your tears fall and his hands twitched as he did everything in his power to hold himself back from touching you. He didn’t think he’d be able to keep himself in check if he did. You had gotten under his skin in more ways than one, and he knew if he let you any closer he’d never be able to walk away.

A chasm of silence fell between you, and you clasped your hands together, your knuckles turning white while Dean shifted from foot to foot. You tried to stop yourself from saying anything, but the pressure in your chest just wouldn’t let you.

“Dean,” you whispered, not looking at him. “You don’t have to go.”

Dean didn’t answer, so you looked up. He was staring at you intently, his eyes searching your face carefully as if he were really considering your words. It gave you confidence, and you pressed onward.

You stepped forward, reaching out for his hand. He tensed as your fingers clasped around his, but he didn’t pull away. “You told me once that you wanted to make a name for yourself,” you said, remembering back to that night at the poolside that seemed so long ago. “I know you feel bound by your father, but Dean, you don’t have to be. You can forge your own path. Stay with me,” you begged. “We can run away together. Just you and me.”

Dean’s Adam’s apple bobbed, and his eyes filled with yearning. His hand tightened around your own, and he reached up to brush a strand of hair behind your ear before trailing down the side of your cheek, his thumb tracing over your lips.

“I love you, (Y/N),” he murmured, repeating his words from the night before. “More than anything in this whole fucking world.”

You leaned into him, a smile tugging at your lips. “But,” he continued, causing it to instantly fall. “There are things you don’t know about. Things that I can’t tell you. My dad needs me, (Y/N).”

“But I need you, too,” you said softly, another tear unwillingly falling.

“I know, sweetheart,” he said, catching the salty drop with his finger. “Fuck, (Y/N). If I could have a different life….”

You wondered at his words but had no time to question him as he continued. “I’ll come for you,” he promised. “As soon as it’s safe, I’ll come back.”

“Wh...what do you mean when it’s safe?” you asked, frowning at his words.

He ignored your question instead leaning down and capturing your lips in a bruising kiss. You returned it with all the emotion you could, the loss of him heavier than you could even comprehend when he finally pulled away. 

He brushed his thumb across your cheek, studying your face as if trying to memorize every detail. “Wait for me,” he implored.

You smiled weakly but nodded nonetheless.

Dean pressed one more quick kiss to your lips before roughly pulling away, turning, and stalking back towards his dad. You watched as John put a hand on his shoulder before climbing into the Impala, Dean going to the passenger’s side just as Sam exited the house with a cardboard box in hand. Sam caught your eye, sending you a thin-lipped smile before joining his dad and brother.

The Impala roared to life and backed out of the driveway before John floored it, tires screeching as he peeled off down the street. Your heart was breaking as you watched the man who held it drive away. He hadn’t given you a chance to tell him you loved him back, but you held out hope that the day would come when you would be able to. 

Weeks passed, but you didn’t give up hope, holding your breath each time the phone would ring or there was a knock at the door and listening carefully for that familiar rumble you’d grown so accustomed to. 

But weeks turned to months and months to years. You finally accepted he wasn’t coming back for you. But that didn’t stop you from realizing, with a sinking heart, that you should have told him that day. You should have told him just how much you really loved him. And you should never have let him walk away. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you for reading! If you liked what you read, let me know!! ❤❤

***Please do not share my content on any other platform without my consent.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tags:

Everything:

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@hazel-eyed-hunter @backseat-of-deans-67chevy @wickidlady @messrrs-prongs @tranquility-or-chaos @deans-baby-momma​ @roonyxx​

[cristalconnors]

BEST SONGS of 2019

20. “MOTIVATION”- Normani

“Why would we ever do something instead of falling into the bed right now?”

Watching the 2019 VMAs, it was easy to feel despondent about the current state of mainstream pop. And then Normani descended from a basketball hoop, breaking up a string of lifeless performances of cookie-cutter top 40 with a preposterously physical tour de force that harkened back to an era when pop fame felt like something closer to a meritocracy, when talent mattered more than spectacle. It felt like a major arrival: at last another pop goddess that truly had all the goods. The public may not have caught up to her quite yet, but “Motivation” is a statement of purpose for Normani: I’m here, I’m very fucking talented, and I’m not going anywhere.

19. “SO HOT YOU’RE HURTING MY FEELINGS”- Caroline Polachek

“I cry on the dancefloor, it’s so embarrassing”

The charms of “So Hot You’re Hurting My Feelings” are seemingly endless. First, there’s that title that makes you chuckle the first few times you hear it. Then, there’s the pre-chorus that title is effortlessly plugged into: a crystal clear image of lovelorn insecurity placed atop a sublimely simple melody that builds into a harmonious, show-stopping chorus. But the song’s zenith has got to be that bridge, marrying a mind-bending, distorted vocal solo that more closely resembles electric guitar with the singsongy refrain “show me your banana,” effortlessly striking a balance between the highbrow and the silly, casting Polachek as the carefree pop diva she perhaps always should have been.

18.“WAY TO THE SHOW”- Solange

“Candy paint down to the floor”

“I want it to bang and make your trunk rattle.” I think about that quote a lot when listening to “Way to the Show,” the grooviest track on When I Get Home- the one whose meandering funk bass line and countless key changes build to an explosion of synth runs and gun cocking, showcasing Knowles’s growth as both a songwriter and curator of mood as she crafts a singularly hallucinatory, heavenly vision of Houston and the sounds that raised her.

17. “WONDER BOY”- ARTHUR RUSSELL

“I’m a wonder boy. I can do nothing”

The back catalogue of notorious perfectionist and genreless chameleon Arthur Russell is so vast, so varied that even 27 years after he was taken from us, we’re still being treated to new material. Every single song of his that’s been released posthumously, including all 19 tracks of Iowa Dream, feel like their own revelation, each of them a uniquely dazzling bucking of all your expectations of what a song of his should sound like. “Wonder Boy” is unique in how tidily its melancholy, frosty images of impermanence sum up the tragic story of Arthur Russell the man- the brilliant artist who never found success and only ever managed to put out a single album while he was alive- the wonder boy who could do nothing.

16. “I THINK OF SATURDAY”- Moodymann

“I called you on Thursday... I called you on Friday...”

“I Think of Saturday” starts simply enough, listing the days of the week almost as a gimmick, evoking soul and early rock filtered through a house lens, until halfway through the song when the beat drops away, introducing a brief sample of Joe Simon’s “With You in Mind” that’s followed by the reintroduction of the beat, but now accompanied by a recurring distorted, dissonant chord that reframes the song as a sinisterly rousing account of unrequited desire and delusion that refracts itself over and over again. 

15. “SOFIA”- Clairo

“I think we could do it if we tried”

The opening bars of Clairo’s “Sofia” sound like a really good Strokes knock off, but the song quickly reveals itself to be something vastly more interesting, unfolding itself steadily over the course of three minutes as she and producer Rostam Batmanglij subvert well worn pop tropes to craft an exquisitely textured, soul-baring, and ultimately hopeful anthem for young wlw everywhere.

14. “LARK”- Angel Olsen

“What about my dreams?”

Olsen’s widescreen, abstract vision of a break-up song is thrillingly unbound from the constrictions of song structure and narrative, favoring instead the visceral power of strings and drastic dynamic contrast to craft a symphony in miniature, a “journey through grief” as Olsen herself describes it, that announces the bold, panoramic vision of her fourth album.

13. “WALK AWAY”- (Sandy) Alex G

“Someday I’m gonna walk away from you. Not today...”

“Walk Away” evokes the sense of being trapped, stuck in a cycle of recognizing unhealthy relationships or habits and being unable or unwilling to do anything about them, looping the simple two line refrain over and over and over again to weave a hopeless, woozy tapestry of crunching beats, acoustic and electric guitar, mournful piano and harpsichord, and distorted vocals.

12. “THIS COUNTRY MAKES IT HARD TO FUCK” (BJÖRK REMIX)- Fever Ray

“That’s not how to love me!”

Björk isolates the most memorable line from Fever Ray’s “This Country”- “this country makes it hard to fuck!”-and explodes it, distorting it and stretching it across a fearsome sample of the droning, discordant flutes from “Song of the Alféreces and Dances of the Chinos,” evoking a kind of tortured funhouse mirror image of the current state of reproductive rights that rightly recasts Fever Ray’s song as a horror film.

11. “ABOUT WORK THE DANCEFLOOR”- Georgia

“I was just thinking about work the danefloor...”

“About Work the Dancefloor” is Georgia’s ode to the cathartic, restorative powers of the dancefloor, where your worries fall away as you melt into the crowd and language abstracts itself, as evidenced by that perplexing chorus that doesn’t seem to mean anything- and why should it? When you’re lost in her pounding bass and gurgling synths, that incoherence is strangely comforting. You can cast whatever meaning you want onto it and work through it physically, together. 

10. “GONE”- Charli XCX & Christine and the Queens

“I try real hard, but I’m caught up by my insecurities”

The jelly squiggles that criss-cross Charli XCX and her collaborator’s faces on the artwork released for the singles from her latest album Charli suggest a kind of symbiosis, a cosmic intertwining of sorts. But only “Gone” achieves a true melding of the minds, where Charli and Chris’s best and boldest instincts collide, complimenting one another seamlessly in this dizzying vision of insecurity and isolation that unravels into a stunning pop abstraction. 

09. “CELLOPHANE”- FKA twigs

“Why don’t I do it for you?”

Usually for FKA twigs, more is more. Her songs are busy, even the slower ones, packed to the brim with glitches, unusual rhythms, and a million little details that pull attention, giving them texture and making them extremely immersive listening experiences. “Cellophane” pares those idiosyncrasies back. They’re still there, but the focus is twigs’s voice, which bends and cracks and really emotes in a way we’ve never heard. Her voice is naked and unvarnished, allowing her to be truly vulnerable in a way we’ve never heard either, and it’s heartbreaking. 

08. “CINNAMON GIRL”- Lana Del Rey

“If you hold me without hurting me, you’ll be the first who ever did.”

“Cinnamon Girl” is the culmination of every other ballad she’s ever written. They were practice and this is the real deal- a painterly missive on tumultuous love that reads like a pained confession whispered in confidence, something Lana’s always done well, but her composition has never been so exquisite or immersive, so beautifully in concert with her poetry or her velvet voice, or so flawlessly constructed, effortlessly building toward a show-stopping finale that asserts Lana as the postmodern princess of Americana.

07. “COOKIE BUTTER”- Kim Gordon

“Industrial...metal...supplies...”

“Cookie Butter” has got to be the most stunning showcase of the power of Kim Gordon’s voice, as she drags out some vowels, muffles others, attacks consonants and bends words until they don’t sound like words anymore, all atop a trance inducing beat drives towards the song’s unlikely climax- Kim Gordon saying “cookie butter” in the most impossibly distinct way you could imagine that carries the weight of an EDM drop, leading the track into it’s disorienting second half that both clarifies and obscures the half that came before it. Haunting and addictive. 

06. “CATTAILS”- Big Thief

“You don’t need to know why when you cry.”

To hear Big Thief talk about the process of writing and recording “Cattails” on their episode of the Song Exploder podcast, one is struck by how organic it was. Adrianne Lenker describes it as a “magic wind” that swept through the studio, the song kind of falling out of them in one take. That sense of life comes through in the song, the simple, sublime repetition, bounce, and build of it sounding like a transmission from deep within the soul, a cosmic image of nostalgia and grief that is as cathartic as it is heavenly.

05. “GOD CONTROL”- Madonna

“I think I understand why people get a gun.”

“God Control” is ostensibly about gun control, though you’d be forgiven if you had a hard time discerning what exactly she’s trying to say. Like some of her best work, it’s provocative and maybe a little empty, but damn if it isn’t supremely interesting and compelling as hell. Madonna taps into a sense of apocalyptic malaise and skepticism of authority that feels at times remarkably in tune with the public consciousness, at others a grotesque caricature of it, to uniformly fascinating results as she spins a deranged disco yarn that, once those swirling strings hit, is downright euphoric. 

04. “GOLD TEETH”- Blood Orange, ft. Gangsta Boo, Project Pat, & Tinashe

“We gon’ rumble in this ho!”

Blood Orange takes Project Pat’s “Rinky Dink II/We’re Gonna Rumble” and explodes it, gifting it both playful levity and added depth with a rollicking beat minor chord synths respectively, effortlessly criss crossing Hynes’s many disparate strengths and interests in the most effortlessly rousing and joyful track in his entire ouevre, elevated by the powerhouse Three 6 Mafia reunion verses of Gangsta Boo and Project Pat himself.

03. “INCAPABLE”- Róisín Murphy

“I don’t know if I can love, in all honesty.”

“Incapable,” Róisín Murphy’s virtuosic disco epic, stops time. That indelibly simple bass line loops over and over and over again until you’re lost in it, the song slowly building itself on top of it, adding claps here, hi hat there, rising towards a stunning sequence backed by whooshing synths where the song really comes alive, where an almost boastful breakup anthem morphs into a glamorously melancholy self-indictment in which she ponders that maybe it’s her there’s something wrong with, creating a dazzling dichotomy between the pitfalls of introspection and the bliss of the dancefloor.

02. “MOVIES”- Weyes Blood

“The meaning of life doesn’t seem to shine like that screen.”

“Movies,” appropriately, plays out with a big screen gloss. Those arpeggiated synths feel like they’re slowly expanding as Natalie Mering coos atop them, wondering how if movies are fake, how come they’re more real than anything in real life? As the synths suddenly give way to frenzied strings, the song splits itself open, giving itself over wholly to the melodrama, the sweeping enormity of feeling that Mering so masterfully conjures as she longs for the vitality, the simple answers, and the meaningfulness of movies.

01. “DO YOU LOVE HER NOW”- Jai Paul

“There’s a time for everything.”

On June 1, 2019, when I first read the news that Jai Paul had released new music, news so momentous it was accompanied by a red “breaking news” banner on Pitchfork’s home page, I immediately found my headphones and sequestered myself. I knew whatever I was about to listen to would require my undivided attention. Quite frankly, I was shocked it existed at all. After the notorious, devastating leak of his music in 2013, he’d exiled himself so thoroughly that it was easy to believe he was just gone forever. But here it was, the second coming- two (2!) new songs, effectively doubling the amount of  (completed) material he’s released in an official capacity. 

Pressing play, I was a little nervous that it wouldn’t live up to my expectations, that it might somehow diminish the work of his that I’d loved so much, that changed the way I think about pop and R&B. That didn’t end up being a problem. While “He” is excellent, “Do You Love Her Now” is maybe the most stunning piece of music he’s ever written. Billowing, moseying guitars provide the heartbeat for what starts as a straightforward, sublimely simple send up of 60′s and 70′s R&B. But this Jai Paul we’re talking about, and nothing he does is simple. Nuances and complexities creep out organically from the fabric of the song- synths whiz in and out, harmonies soar to the forefront of the soundscape seemingly out of nowhere and fall away just as suddenly, crafting an immersive, richly textured listening experience that is unpredictable, washing over you like a wave, building, cresting, and crashing over and over again.