#anxiety makes me weigh the pros and cons for all my interactions and it often ends in me not saying anything lol

[imaginary-wanderer]

I wanted to send an anon to someone about plant toxicity and cats, since it's relevant to their recent activity, but I never know how this kind of advice will be received. People tend to be annoyed by this kind of comments, even it's absolutely not to tell them "shame on you, you have toxic plants around your cat!" but more like "i don't know if you know so just in case"...

So I just hope they know.

[acrobaticcatfeline]

Logan and His Little Bumble Bee (Single Dads AU) Chapter 2!!!

Word Count: 5924

TW: Ok geez, so Logan outright hates his ex, hes pan, abuse, cheating, drugs, abandonment, smoking, mental disorder, neglect, swearing, uhhhh I think that’s all. Let me know if I missed something!

Notes: First chapter here!!! I’m so tired guys. I’m so tired of everything and this was the best de-stress I’ve had in forever. I’m glad to be done with this part, I probably wont have time to write for real until summer. I have like 6 more weeks of school then comic con and then I go to my moms so I’ll probably write while I’m there. I love these boys and I’m glad you all enjoyed it, and I hope you enjoy this part just as much!!!

Pairings: logicality, past Logan and OC (her name Mercedes and I hate her a lot), familial logince, familial moxiety, platonic prinxiety

Summary: “DAD!!! VIRGIL WANTS TO HANG OUT AT THE PARK CAN WE GO???” It’s been 9 years. Yeah yeah what a time skip!!! It’s Roman’s 11th birthday, and he has to have dinner with his mother. We already know he has a large distaste for his mother. Logan is weighing the pros and cons of trying to keep his ex in their life, neither of them like her but it’s healthy for Roman to have her around isn’t it? He makes a big decisions and mistakes, but you know, it ends well in the end doesn’t it. I mean, this is a fluffy fic.

“DAD!!! VIRGIL WANTS TO HANG OUT AT THE PARK CAN WE GO???”

Logan sanders was tired. Yes still, we haven’t jumped that far yet! His son Roman, 11 years old today was as talkative as ever. He was in 5th grade now and he had made more friends and proved to learn words very quickly. In fact, Roman had been put into the honor program at his school and was excelling in all his classes, and to Logan’s surprise and delight, he enjoyed them all too. Roman would come home from school and do his math and science homework and would do his English homework with Logan when he had the time. Logan would have to hold his tongue when Roman told him about what he learned in history, he wouldn’t tell him just how horribly biased the information he was getting was until he was older. He still stayed friends with Virgil, as they went to the same school, but that also meant Logan has had to continue to keep his cool around Patton, who has only gotten more attractive in the past 9 years. And yes, he still hasn’t said anything about his affections, listen, he’s nervous and what if he says no it would ruin their relationship and then Roman would hate him for making him not able to spend time with his best friend and he can’t do it. I mean Roman already had trust issues with his mother he couldn’t do that to him.

Speaking of his mother…

“sure Ro, but remember your mom wants to come over and celebrate your birthday ok? We can’t be out too long, she’ll be here by 8 and its 4 right now. Grab your phone and we’ll go ok?”

“oh yeah. I guess… yeah I’ll be right back.”

Logan hated how deflated Roman got whenever his mom was brought up. He had tried, he tried so desperately to repair what she had broken with him, but he had no clue what had happened and as such couldn’t even begin. His ex had started making an effort supposedly, almost immediately making an appearance to attempt to fix what was broken.

She failed. Roman refused to visit her alone, he wouldn’t stay at her place for a weekend, he would almost go into a panic attack if Logan had asked her to babysit, causing him to find a way to cancel it every time. He hated that his ex had ruined her relationship with him so badly. He was desperate to give Roman a good family, but he constantly wanted to strangle her. She was just… so insensitive! He would get things for Roman that Roman hated, or something that Logan expressly said Roman wasn’t allowed to have, and directly going against his wishes as his caretaker. She would bring noisemakers, leading Roman to be infinitely noisier, and what person gifts a kazoo to a 10-year-old whose dad still got little to no sleep? Either way, it would be… cruel, to keep Roman’s mother from seeing him on his birthday, especially since she had put forth the effort. So here he was, forcing himself and his son to go through the interaction. At least he would be able to commiserate with Patton. That would give him the energy to get through dinner with her. Roman ran around the corner in his star fire teen titan’s black t-shirt and jeans.

Logan smiled at his son and ruffled his hair as they headed out to the park. He was especially proud of himself for raising his son without the idiotic idea of gender roles. Sure, Roman loved iron man and captain America, but his favorite superheroes had been wonder woman and star fire ever since he had started watching tv or reading comics. When Roman took a liking to star fire from the teen titans’ cartoon, Logan had taken him to the local comic book store and had bought the first 5 issues of the new teen titans comics, having done the research to ensure he got the right thing.

They walked to the park, and as soon as they got within distance, Roman took off running, already seeing Virgil. Logan chuckled, and continued walking. When he caught up Roman was clinging to Virgil who was laughing loudly. He approached Patton with a smile, and Patton held up a bag with a gentle smile.

“Virge said it was Ro’s birthday, so we got him a little something. I imagine once he can stop laughing, he’ll tell him. How are things lo?”

“oh geez, you didn’t have to, he’s spoiled rotten by you guys enough on every normal day.”

“nonsense!!!”

“heh, anyways, things are… tense. Mercedes wanted to come over and celebrate Roman’s birthday, and Roman is… less than excited to say the least.”

“oh gosh, that sounds like a time. Hopefully things are ok?”

“hopefully. I have a strong feeling she’s going to start an argument with me about how she should have custody if I’m not in a relationship because its detrimental or something idiotic, which you know I think is funny considering that Roman literally gains symptoms of anxiety and ptsd when around her, as well as the fact that I am a medical professional who works with children in actual detriment for half of my work days. Besides, even if Roman did want to live with her I wouldn’t be able to let him be there with her new boyfriend. I’m at least 70% sure that on top of his addiction to cigarettes he’s a drug addict, and I’m not putting my son in that situation. Oh, sorry that was, word vomit I apologize.”

“no no don’t worry about it, you have valid concerns and emotions. Its better for you to talk about it now instead of blowing up at her, if not for your sake, for Roman’s.”

Logan smiled and nodded. He often forgot that Patton was a therapist and had similar training in psychology. He looked over to see Virgil and Roman running over, Roman directly at him, and steadied himself for the incoming impact. Roman launched himself at him and Logan caught him and dispersed the energy towards him by spinning the boy in a circle. He lifted him higher with a smile.

“is this my little bumble bee? Hmm, I don’t know, my bumble bee giggles when I do… this!”

Logan flipped the boy upside down and Roman squealed with laughter. He put him back down and Roman surged forward again to give him a hug. Roman looked up at him with a big toothy grin and if there had been a piece of his heart that hadn’t yet melted from that little smile, it didn’t survive much longer. He smiled back and nodded his head in the direction of Patton and Virgil.

“I hear vee and pat got you a birthday present, you wanna go thank them and open it?”

Roman’s face lit up brightly and he nodded. He thanked the other two profusely and gave them big hugs and went to open the gift. He gasped loudly and showed Logan the contents, being a video camera, a set of big headphones and an adult coloring book, one of the few Roman hadn’t gotten yet. Logan smiled gently and silently thanked Patton for the gift, Roman had a tendency to break earbuds quickly, and would play his music on his phone very loudly. It was a much-needed expense that Logan hadn’t been able to get yet.

“you remember the rules with that right bee?”

Logan doesn’t have to elaborate, Roman nods firmly, pulling the red beatz headphones out and putting them on. He smiles even wider than before and launches into a hug for Virgil and Patton. Logan grabs the book and camera and smile at the 3. What he wouldn’t give for this picture to be a constant, where the 4 were simply happy in each other’s presence.

“remember Ro, we only have a few hours, we need to make the house presentable.”

There was tenseness in Roman’s shoulders at the reminder, and god he wished he could cancel, could tell her off, could keep her away from Roman but he had no proof, no evidence, that anything had ever happened, only the few things Roman had told him which essentially added up to ‘moms not here’ and while that could be from neglect or trauma, it could also just be that he was stating the fact of the moment. He had no way of knowing and Roman may not even have those memories stored. Regardless, they had to meet her, or she would try to press charges. And even if he would win, he didn’t have the time or money to deal with it.

Roman and Virgil played for hours, and Logan just talked with Patton until they had to leave. Roma was immediately uncomfortable as soon as they started walking home, and Logan hated it passionately. They cleaned a bit and Roman insisted he had to change. He came back down in a black long sleeve shirt and a white avengers t-shirt over it. He didn’t look comfortable, actively making himself look small, and he looked unhappy. Oh geez, how could he let this happen to him? He had a right to tell his ex off, to keep her from seeing him, she had formally signed over full custody when she first dropped Roman off, he had the right to keeping her out of his sons’ life, especially when her presence caused the poor boy so much stress.

That’s it. This is the last time. If Roman ever wants to spend time with her he will let him of course, but at the moment she was damaging Roman just by being brought up. He would tell her after Roman went to bed. If she had a problem, she could figure it out. She was… as Roman had put it years ago, bad. Plus, she had been a huge drain on his life as well. If he never saw her again it would be too soon…

Knock knock

Speak of the devil and she shall appear…

“hello Mercy, please come in!”

Please leave and never come back you spineless wretched bi-

“why thank you Logan! Roman!!! I’m glad I get to see you again!!! Happy birthday kiddo, I have a gift for you!!!”

I bet it’s a gift card to an adult shop, you have no tact you wicked monstrous ba-

“oh! Um, yay! Dad made dinner, do you want some pasta Mercy?”

And there was a look shared between the adults, an accusing one that made him out to be a tactless a- uh, jerk… who never referred to her as Roman’s mother as if that was the case… how dare she imply, assume that he would stoop to her standards.

“oh yes please Ro! I would love some!”

Roman gave Logan a look and Logan gave a small nod before Roman dashed into the kitchen. Mercy gave Logan another angry look as Roman rounded the corner, speaking in a hushed tone.

“so, I see you truly haven’t taught him to respect his mom?”

“I do my best to keep my disdain for you under wraps, so he doesn’t see it. Either way I rarely refer to you as anything other than his mom regardless of how little you deserve to be referred to as such.”

“oh yeah well it seems you’ve failed. I was so much more successful taking care of him you really should relinquish custody to me”

“listen if you want to have this pointless conversation again it can wait until Roman goes to sleep. I would prefer not screaming at you while my son is just around the corner.”

“oh woe, however could you let MY son see you being the truest form of you! A vicious monster who hates all women!”

“keep your voice down Merce. None of what happened more than a decade ago matters right now. I’m not vicious and I certainly don’t hate women. I just hate you.”

“why I outta-”

Roman bounded the corner with three bowls of pasta and a content smile on his face. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw his parents glaring at one another. Logan turned towards him and the scowl faded into a grin. Mercy also fixed her posture and made her face neutral. She turned and smiled at Roman sweetly, and it made Roman’s skin crawl. Nevertheless, he smiled back and set down their bowls. He couldn’t wait for dinner to be over, then he could go take a shower and go to bed. He just had to make it through dinner…

“thank you, Ro, I made some veggies too, I’ll go make us some plates of that. Why don’t you unwrap your gift Roman?”

Roman nodded and mercy smirked as she handed him a bag. As he walked into the kitchen, he heard the bag open and a small gasp. When he returned, he saw a t-shirt on the table and a plush captain America plushie in his hands. He slowly brings it into a hug and thanks mercy. Logan put down the plates and signals to start eating. Halfway through dinner, mercy asks the question he knew was coming.

“so, what did you get him Logan?”

He refrained from cackling and backed up to grab Roman’s gifts. He set down two boxes and Roman looked at him with stars in his eyes. He opens the top one first, revealing a rotating constellation lamp. He smiled widely and wiggled happily in his seat. Mercy’s face was already less proud and conceited. Then Roman opened the next one, causing him to squeal and tackle hug Logan.

“I really really wanted a ukulele!!!!! Thank you so much dad I can’t believe you actually got one!!!”

He smiled softly as he hugged the boy. He looked up at mercy and felt his smile widen at the distaste on her face. He coaxed Roman to sit back down and finish eating, and he gave mercy the smallest hug afterwards and then Roman went upstairs to get ready for bed. Now he and mercy were in a free for all. No holding back. Logan could already hear the shower upstairs running, nothing here was sacred. Mercy could and would play dirty now. And Logan wasn’t about to back down. They were both ridiculously stubborn and absolutely hated each other and thus why their breakup was particularly ugly.

“you outdo me every time. You know you don’t need to buy his love? You can just try to be a halfway decent father.”

Oh ok. No build up this time, straight to the arteries.

“listen mercy I know you’re narcissistic, but I didn’t realize you projected so hard! If I had realized I would have therapized you sooner! Please, tell me how your home life was like?”

“oh, ha ha! You need to give me custody of him Logan. He needs a stable REAL family and a constant mother figure. Its mentally damaging to him-”

“oh? Oh really? Really please do tell me, a mental health doctor, how it is mentally damaging for him to have a single parent? Please bestow your wisdom on me high and mighty waitress from Denny’s without a college degree!!!”

“listen jackass its been scientifically proven that it causes mental disorders!”

“by fucking who??? Freud??? Because if you listened to anyone ever in your high school years instead of fucking a grand total of 9 guys at once maybe you’d know that Freud is full of shit!”

“its not my fault you’re shit at relationships lo”

“yeah well its also not MY fault that you cheated on me with 8 OTHER GOD DAMN GUYS!!! Its also not my fault that your boyfriend is a fucking druggie!!! Of all the guys you’ve fucking dated I think I’m the only one who doesn’t do drugs, and you know I don’t feel comfortable letting my son that you DROPPED ON MY DOORSTEP and handed full custody of over after 2 years live in a coke den. Don’t particularly want him to get second hand smoke either. I’m not giving you custody. If you wanted fucking custody you would have fucking raised him. You know I’ve taken him to therapy, and I’ve figured something out. Apparently, he likely has DSED. But you don’t know what that means do you? Its disinhibited social engagement disorder. It’s a trauma disorder that has to be related to a traumatic series of events from before the age of 5. Seeing as some of Roman’s first words were ‘mom bad mom not here’ I have reason to believe that you have neglected and abused him and then handed him over to me so you couldn’t be held responsible. Now you want him back so you can claim its my god damn fault well its too fucking late Merce. I’m giving you a choice Mercedes. Either you walk away and keep out of Roman’s life unless he requests you, or I will file a restraining order. Your choice.”

“…you never change do you Logan. I hope you grow up some day. I truly do. I guess this is goodbye.”

“sayonara Mercedes. If I never see you again it will be too fucking soon.”

And she left. She’s gone. He’s never going to have to do this again, and neither is Roman. He lays against the front door once she’s gone and calls Patton.

“hello? Logan its pretty late for you, you don’t usually call this late, is something wrong?”

“no. no something is wonderfully great Patton I’m free. Roman is free, I finally gathered the nerve. She’s never coming back Patton. She’s gone, she’s out of our lives no more whispered arguments just out of hearing range, no more cursing yelling matches while Roman goes to sleep, no more pretending I can stand her for Roman’s sake, its done, its over good god I haven’t felt this happy since Roman spoke his first words.”

There was silence on the line for a minute. Then a chuckle.

“I’m so happy for you L!!! I’m so glad you don’t have to put yourself in that situation anymore! I’m so proud of you!!!”

Logan held the phone with both hands, feeling like a teenage girl in a love song video. He smiled wide and nodded before remembering that he wasn’t on video call.

“thank you, Patton. I’ll let you get some sleep. Good night pat.”

“night L”

He hangs up and make his way upstairs. Roman is sat in his bed patiently waiting for Logan. He dives under his covers when he sees him. Logan sits on the side of his bed with a smile.

“hey kiddo. Guess what?”

“what?”

You don’t have to see your mom ever again if you don’t want to. Any meetings will be completely your choice.”

Roman’s eyes widened and his smile grew.

“you really mean it?”

“yessiree”

Roman gave Logan a huge hug yet again, and Logan stroked his hair. He was finally able to protect his baby boy. When Roman let go, Logan walked to the wall and pulled out a bag and handed it to Roman. Roman looked at Logan and began ripping the bag apart at the nod Logan gave. He opened it to see statuettes of wonder woman, star fire, and Harley Quinn, his favorite superheroes, and villain, ever. He let out a gasp and tackled Logan in a hug for a third time in the last hour. He sets the half foot tall statues on the nightstand next to his bed.

“do you want me to set up your constellation lamp?”

Roman nodded excitedly. Logan hooked up the lamp and calibrated it with the date, so it showed tonight’s stars. He fixed a few other things in Roman’s room, cleaning up his laundry corner, rearranging his book shelf, and putting the last few toys away in his toy box. He hung up the new shirt Roman got and tucked the captain America plushie in with him. He set the new ukulele in a stand on Roman’s shelf. Finally, he unhooked Roman’s dream catcher from the string that hung above his head. He took it to the window and blew on it. He hung it back up and walked right next to Roman’s bed. He began to tuck the boy into bed.

“you want a lullaby Ro? And would you like me to plug in your night light as well as your lamp?”

“yes, and yes please dad?”

“of course, Roman”

Little child, be not afraid the rain pounds harsh against the glass Like an unwanted stranger There is no danger I am here tonight

Little child Be not afraid Though thunder explodes, and lightning flash Illuminates your tear-stained face I am here tonight

And someday you’ll know That nature is so This same rain that draws you near me Falls on rivers and land on forests and sand Makes the beautiful world that you see in the morning

By the time he reached that point in the song Roman was completely passed out. He smiled fondly on him and kissed his forehead before lighting the night light, a bumble bee on a lily, and the constellation lamp and leaving.

He went about his own routine until he laid in bed. He looked at the clock next to his bed. It read 10:03. He impulsively picked up his phone and dialed Patton.

“…uhh, Logan? What’s up? I was just settling down for bed…”

“um, sorry I just uh…”

“out with-it L, I’m too tired to understand your silliness.”

“…I’m in love with you. Have been for a long time now but I just um, I just had a burst of confidence and that confidence is abandoning me so I’m sorry, this is stupid, I’m stupid, ignore this I’m sorry I’ll go, sleep well Patton good night”

“wait what?! Logan wait hold on-”

Click.

Oh good. He’s going to have to own up to that in the morning. Maybe he should go have a drink? No no, much too late for that. He’d just sleep it off. Yeah that’ll work.

When he woke up the next morning his phone was blown up with missed calls, voicemails, and texts from Patton, which makes tons of sense in hindsight, but you know the saying, hindsight is 20/20, and his normal vision is significantly less. Either way, he hesitantly listened to the voicemails, after ensuring that Patton wouldn’t see that he did. There were varying levels of distress in each.

“Logan! Its Patton, please pick up? I need to talk to you about this. Are you ok?”

“Logan!!! Its Patton I swear its not what you think, please just pick up and talk to me!”

“Logan? Its Patton. I don’t know if you’re ignoring me or if you’re just asleep, but I… I need to tell you something too. Call me back when you get the chance.”

“………………”

Logan felt awful. He already felt awful, but now he felt even worse. Look what he’d done! God he was a mess and he had the gall to drag poor Patton into it. God why did he do it, why didn’t he think it through? Imagine what Roman would think of him now!!! God, he messed up so badly. He grabbed his phone and walked downstairs to get hugged by Roman as he met the bottom.

“dad dad dad! Virgil asked if he and pat could come over, can they can they can they???”

Of course. He should have prepared for this. Its Sunday, the only time he and Patton’s work schedules coincided the whole day. Patton worked evenings on Saturday and Logan worked mornings on Friday and it was always Roman and Virgil’s favorite thing to do to come over to their house for breakfast then play all day. The two were never bored of each other. And it just meant Logan would get his just desserts sooner than he intended. Patton lived about a 10-minute drive away and that gave him very little time to look presentable.

“yes of course ro. In that case, I’m going to fix myself up, and when I’m done, how’s about we make some blueberry pancakes?”

Roman squealed and jumped up and down, before running to his phone. Logan made his way back upstairs. He brushed his hair, his teeth, and he got dressed. He put on blue jeans that he liked, a black t-shirt, and a soft light blue hoodie with a heart on it. It was a birthday gift from Patton from he thinks about 3 years ago. He had treasured it, even though it wasn’t much his style, it was something that felt inherently Patton to him and as mentioned a multitude of times before, he is really really gay. He fixed himself a gaze in his full-length mirror, checking to see that he was truly presentable. He saw the faintest of bags under his eyes, but those were probably from ro. He gave himself a silent pep talk before going to the kitchen. He saw Ro had already gathered all the ingredients and utensils they needed. He smiled and ruffled Roman’s hair. He rolled up his sleeves and put his hands on his hips.

“you ready to get cooking Ro?”

“absolutely!!!”

They had made the mix, and a few pancakes when the doorbell rang. Logan set the scoop down in the bowl and pushed his hair back. He smiled at Roman and asked him to get the door. The second Roman rounded the corner his façade fell. He was lost and scared and had no easy escape from the conversation he knew would happen as soon as the boys went off to play. He wasn’t ready. Not at all, but he had no choice anymore. He’d have to face it sooner or later.

“hi pat!!! HI VERGE!!!!! Come in, dads making pancakes!!!”

“oh, does he need any help?”

He heard Patton ask and he really hoped Roman would cover for him. He needed a bit more time before he had to be alone with him.

“oh no, he’s got this, he’s the most epic master chef to chef the seven stoves!!!”

Oh, thank god. He chuckled at Roman’s antics, always amused at how ridiculous he could be. He finished the last of the pancake mix and brought out 2 plates staked high with pancakes. He set them down with a smile and retreated again to grab sugar, butter, and syrup. He set them down and invited them to seat themselves. He had sat next to his son, and of course Virgil sat next to Roman, leading Patton to sit next to him. He did his best to just… eat and listen to Roman talk about this newest obsession, but his gaze kept wandering towards Patton, and it seemed that every time he glanced at him, Patton was doing the same. It wasn’t long at all before Roman and Virgil were finished and racing each other upstairs. He quickly made himself busy with gathering the dishes, his included, and bringing them to the sink to get rinsed off. He bounded the corner again, seeing Patton still making his way through a pancake on his plate.

“that the last pancake you want?”

“uh yeah, sorry I’m taking so long today, I’m still a bit tired.”

Logan felt himself twitch at that. Had he kept Patton up with worry? Nope nope not yet, not ready yet. He grabbed the extra pancakes and packed them in a bag. He rounded the corner yet again, seeing Patton finish his pancake. He stood with the plate and Logan grabbed it out of his hands. He smiled gentle at Patton, and he could have sworn he’d seen a blush on Patton’s face, but he was sure he was imagining. While rinsed the plate he started his coffee maker.

“you want coffee pat?”

He looked at Patton and Patton shook himself out of some sort of trance before making a sound of affirmation. A few minutes later he poured them both mugs of coffee, pulling out his creamer and sugar for himself and Patton to choose from. After they finished mixing it up, he saw Patton start to think of something to say, and he interrupted. He’d already had one argument in that room, he didn’t need the possibility of another one.

“would you like to step outside?”

Patton, who was staring firmly at his mug, looked up suddenly with an odd look on his face. He nodded quickly and followed Logan out onto the patio. Logan stood next to the fence around the deck, leaning on it and looking out on the little empty field that was behind his house. He had spent so much time there with Roman, he could barely remember a time before he had the kid. He heard soft footsteps approach the railing and smiled down into his coffee, hating the show of emotion and weakness he was having. He heard Patton take a deep breath and he nearly laughed at the situation he was in.

“so…”

“yeah.”

He heard Patton turn around, his back now against the railing. He hated this. He couldn’t stand this he didn’t want to have this conversation, he wanted to go back to sleep.

“so um, what you said on the phone last night… was-was that true?”

“heh, yeah. All of it, I’m-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have bothered you with that. Especially not as late as it was.”

He felt Patton’s gaze fall on him and he was harshly reminded how much he h a t e d this. He looked like a moron, can’t the time just reverse so he can choose not to decide to ruin his and Roman’s lives. God why did he fuck this up so bad-

“yeah no, if you had told me that literal years ago it would have saved us both some turmoil lo.”

Wait-

“what?”

Logan stood straight up and finally really looked at Patton. He had a gentle smile and soft eyes and god he never thought he would see that perfectly gorgeous look directed at anyone other than Virgil, let alone him. That was the look Patton gave Virgil constantly. It was a look of adoration and affection and love and god that was directed at Logan and he didn’t think he would be able to keep his composure if he kept looking at those beautiful blue eyes that were peering into his soul.

“I-I didn’t think-I mean you were just-god how oblivious am I?”

“only a lot when it comes to emotions. I mean, it’s not like I knew ether, and I literally talk people through their emotions daily for pay, so you know I think its pretty even there. You know you look really nice in that hoodie. I almost forgot I got that for you, I hadn’t seen you wear it in a good long while. I had thought you had gotten rid of it.”

“what? No, I would never! It’s the most comfortable thing I own honestly, and um, I was certain I was going to need comfort for this conversation but I… guess I was wrong.”

“Logan what did you think was gonna happen? That I would reject you and hate you or something?”

“uh, yeah? Well my worst-case scenario was that you would slap me for even thinking about it and then you would cut yourself and Virgil out of my life and then Roman would hate me as much as his mother, but you know its just how it goes I guess.”

“…Logan for such a smart man you can be exceptionally stupid sometimes.”

“I’ve heard that regularly, and I’m pretty sure my ex said something to that effect yesterday, so I mean you’re probably not wrong.”

Patton giggled softly. He continued to just gaze at Logan before stepping closer and placing a hand on Logan’s cheek.

“I really want to kiss you right now.”

“I-um, I uh me-me too-”

“may I?”

Logan nodded. Patton leaned in slowly, and Logan being who he is, impatiently closed the gap. It was… soft. It was soft and warm and everything Logan had imagined. However, cliché it may be, as Logan closed his eyes, he swore he could see fireworks. It felt like his own personal Disney happy ending that Roman loved so much. He was close enough to smell Patton’s hair, like a forest of olive trees and strawberries and happiness and love. Logan had never really been one for dramatics, but at the moment, he felt more at home than he had ever been before. He felt happy and he felt calm and he felt Patton’s arms snake their way around his hips and he wrapped his around Patton’s neck and god he was at peace.

“EWWWWW ROMAN OUR DADS ARE KISSING!!!!!!!!”

Well there goes the moment. Patton quickly broke the kiss and turned to see Virgil covering his eyes and hopping on his feet. He saw Roman run the corner and there were stars in his eyes. He covered his mouth and squealed while hopping around.

“is Patton gonna be my dad too???”

Logan couldn’t help but hide his face in Patton’s neck.

“maybe? We don’t know yet Ro, we’ll need a bit more time to figure that out.”

Logan was eternally grateful at Patton’s talent for answering children while also not revealing everything. He mumbled a small ‘I hope so’ into Patton’s neck and Patton giggled. He whispered back a ‘me too’ and Logan could swear he felt his heart swell in his chest. Virgil uncovered his eyes and looked at Patton with awe.

“wait… does that mean me, and Ro will be brothers??? We’ll be eternal playmates!!! Ro we’ll get to play together for forever this is so cool!!!”

“YEAH!!! I went from having one parent to two and a brother!!! YAY!!!!!!”

“oh gosh they’re excited”

Logan turned his head, now laying on Patton’s chest and looking at the kids.

“you two are so silly. You go back to playing unless you needed something”

“well uh we wanted to ask if you would play with us?”

“yeah!!! We wanted to play princes and villains, but neither of us wanna be villains. Could you please play with us?”

Logan leaned back and looked at Patton who had a bright smile on his face.

“why not? I’m actually already hungry again. I think some little princes would be delicious!”

The boys squealed and ran away, and the two adults gave themselves a moment, as well as the boys a head start.

“you know as over used as it is, I really am glad I get to be with you now. You have been my dream guy for years and now its not a dream anymore. Now I don’t know about you, but I have an appointment with some princes.”

“you know, so do I. how about it then? Ready to go?”

Patton gave a toothy grin and placed a small kiss on Logan’s cheek. He chuckled at the blush that grew on his face before releasing him. He held out his hand to Logan.

“as I’ll ever be! Let’s go!”

Logan grabbed his hand and two rushed upstairs. The two were so completely utterly in love. For once in their life they had another person by their side who they could hold close and trust aside from their kids. It was nice. It was really nice.

Taglist: @fivebyfive-finebyfive @tacohippy56900 @analogical-mess @crookedlyoptimisticdestiny @angels-and-dreams @asleepybisexual @starbucks-remy @idioticsky @ijustreallylovesanderssides @superwholocked-for-life @band-be-boss-blog @llamaly @logicality-trash @fiive-second-cookies @whats-going-on-kiddos @snowshoe-main-blog @007ardra @internetwhy @musikasworld

Let me know if you want to be tagged in my writing!!!

Thank you for reading I will see you later ladies lords and nonbinary royalty!!!

[cannibalhabits]

I have no idea if someone's done this, but I was struck with inspiration literally like a minute ago while I was walking my dog so here, have a hastily scribbled down sanders sides divergent au that I'm never gonna do anything with because 1. am lazy and 2. no way for all them to interact soo... (warning, this is gonna be kinda angsty, guilt tripping (himself i guess) and emotional trauma(?) and a slight mention of anxiety)

here we go, we'll start with the factions they were born into:

Deceit (who I'm gonna call Ethan like Ethos cause I like that name and since it's one of the method's of persuasion I think it'd fit well with this faction) - Candor

At first it was just irony, most deceit(>:D)ful side being born in the most truthful faction, but then I had a thought that I can't really put to words but basically, issues with how they're run, maybe some angst(tm) and other things that I really have no fucking clue how to write out, could make him fit into (and fear >:3) this faction.

Patton - Abnegation

Do I really have to explain this one? With the way he acts in canon, repeatedly trying to give away his very soul to others, how could I not have him here. (and how could I not make him leave?)

Logan - Dauntless

This one may be confusing but I think I love it the most. I know being a stereotypical 'stuck-up nerd' he may not fit in here, but consider this; his bluntness, his refusal to be unrationally afraid of just about anything, his fucking temper! All shit you'd expect from someone raised dauntless. Though he probably didn't get along well with his peers... *eyes*

Virgil - Abnegation

Another one that may not seem quite right, but like hogwarts houses it's quite hard to place virgil into any one faction, so I've chosen this one. The whole 'blend in, don't let people see you or give attention to you or you're selfish' dealio, has been something my anxiety likes to fuck me over with fairly often, and (this is where the guilt tripping warning takes affect folks) I've always thought that the Abnegation faction had such potential for emotional abuse, specifically things like guilt tripping. Imagine Virgil, trying his damnedest to not be selfish, but all he ever hears is that he's a horrible selfish brat and that he'll never be selfless and everyone will hate him and when other people get mad at him he starts to think that it's his fault and basically, it sucks. Also, Virgil and Patton are best friends, with Patton accidentally lending a bit to the emotional trauma just by being incredibly selfless (it's not good for patton either trust me) and trying to encourage Virgil to do the same. (He's trying to be a good friend, he tries to help when Virgil is sad, but he doesn't know why Virgil is sad cause Virgil's scared Patton'll be mad at him too. :// so yeah, everything sucks)

Roman & Remus - Dauntless

The amount of confidence these two fucking excude with every goddamn action they take, the violence, their love for weaponry, do I even have to explain this one. Jeez, just imagine these two covered in tattoos, it'd be so great man I'm freakin out, anyway, yeah. Just, perfection.

NOW FOR THE GOOD SHIT!!!

But first, I like to imagine they all have the same last name (no they're not related, aside from roman and remus) just cause that's fun and also they'll have a chance to meet and because im a basic hoe who wants them all to communicate, boom, cell phones are a thing, sold by the Erudite, and they all trade info, except for Patton and Virgil because having phones is selfish(tm). Patton just memorizes the numbers given and promises to call if he ever gets the chance. Virgil acts like he doesn't care. (but he does)

Ethan transfers to Erudite. Philosophy, psychology, no more fearing every little secret being found!!! what more could a man ask for!!!

Logan also transfers to Erudite, cause all of his prick friends constantly bothered him for wanting to fukcing know shit goddamn why is it so bad to just wanna not be fucking stupid. (also, i've made the executive decision that Logan has a face tattoo and maybe others but I'm not going back to edit that shit so have it now, it's on his left cheekbone and i dont know what it is yet but it's gonna be good.)

Patton transfers to Amity, after being convinced by Roman, Logan, and Ethan who can all clearly see he's working himself to the bone and is not healthy at all. He is scared, but he knows being scared is selfish and being kind doesn't mean not being selfless and if these lovely people want him to join Amity than he should do it. (oof im hurting myself) (also, maybe patton is trans ftm and logan and ethan are like, wow this kids got big dyshporia and does not know it we need to get them somewhere they can figure this crap out. i like this idea it's canon now)

Roman chooses to transfer to Amity as well, just cause of that one scene in Insurgent (i think) where the Amity kids in the back of the truck play guitar and sing songs and Roman's always loved performing, and if generally a lot softer than his love for swordfighting lets on and just wants to spend his days singing and writing and reading stories for and to little kids and im making myself soft fuck lets move on

Remus sticks in Dauntless cause why would the trashman wanna leave?!?!?!

And Virgil, after being basically claimed by Remus as his new best friend, and being (semi) convinced of the idea that he could learn to defend himself and be confident by Roman and Logan (while managing to convince himself that he could do that and still blend in, and also being supremely scared of ending up factionless and i've now once again made an executive decision, Logan went the whole time weighing the pros and cons of being factionless the entire transfer ceremony)

Now that I've gotten all this down, I'm considering actually doing something with this. It would be completely plotless cause i hate plots, but it'd be something. maybe.

[ohstardust]

Rose Coloured Boy - [4/11]

Summary: Sebastian Stan & Eleanor Egan spent the better part of six years being the European outcasts of Rockland Country Day School. Despite growing through their teens as best friends, college soon broke down their friendship until nothing remained. Ten years later, a turn of events in a city as large as New York City, finds them running in the same social circles once again with nowhere to run, and nowhere to hide. Pairing: Sebastian Stan x OFC Word Count: 3.5k Masterlist / Story Background / Playlist / AO3   A/N: Apologies for how long it’s taken to post this, it’s been sat in my drafts for a few weeks but part 5 isn’t quite finished and I vowed I wouldn’t post this until it was. I’m planning to upload a timeline to accompany this series too which will be updated after each part to allow the readers to keep up with what has happened so far.  Part 3 // Part 5

Sebastian had often dwelled on the ‘non-committal’ ending to his friendship with Eleanor in the years that followed their high school graduation that summer of ’01. He refers to it as non-committal simply because it faded and fizzled, like the flickering flame reaching the end of a match or the disintegration of a sunset haze into the night air. It hadn’t seemed as life changing back then, at least not on a scale either of them would have anticipated, he hadn’t thought much about her not being by his side during his college graduation or when he got his first television gig. He’d moved on and made new friends by then despite the friendship they’d both carried with them through their teens.

The fade just happened with dwindling phone calls and visits until suddenly there was nothing left but hazy teenage memories that Sebastian thought of too often in his late twenties.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* 2001 By the time October had rolled around, Sebastian had settled in very well at Rutgers University; he was full of energy, wide eyed eagerness and the prospective thrill of an opportunity to study in London during his degree. Being surrounded by so many likeminded people, striving for the same goals him, had been far less nerve-wracking and competitive than he’d anticipated, and far more exhilarating and stimulating. In a nutshell, Sebastian was happy, more than happy. He’d checked in with Eleanor biweekly since the start of the semester, not wanting to miss a detail of her own college experience, despite the small distance separating them both. They may have been living in the same state, the same city for that matter, but it may as well have been the other side of the country for the lack of free time they both seemed to have. It had been a conscious decision for Sebastian to remain living in New York during his college studies, the commute to New Jersey was small enough for him to not have to leave the state behind, he wanted to experience life in the thick of the city, the place he knew he was likely to get his big break. If he ever did that is. The moment they’d both received their acceptance letters, they’d begun weighing up the pro’s and con’s of living together, we’d get to see each other more often and spend more time together versus I don’t want you to grow sick of me or to cause any fights. We don’t have to live with someone we don’t know versus it might do us good to know more people and make more friends. We can study together and run lines without having to leave our own apartment versus I won’t be able to look you in the eye the mornings after you have sex. The prospect of sharing their college experience together, living under the same room, behaving like they were in some mediocre sitcom, sounded fun, of course it did, what best friends didn’t want to live together? But they’d spent the better part of the last five years in each other’s pockets, eating lunch, studying, making friends with the same peers, attending acting camp. College was a time for new experiences, new friends, new traditions, and neither of them were prepared to put their own wants, and needs, above doing what was right for the other. Sebastian knew Eleanor would flourish at Tisch in the theatre program, she’d dazzle everyone like she’d dazzled him back when he was a naive thirteen-year-old, you’re gonna make it big time he’d told her in a silly blanket fort in her bedroom the evening before they moved into their new apartments. He wasn’t standing in her way, he wasn’t going to be the reason she didn’t thrive on her own. His heart was too full of love to keep her from achieving what he knew she could. And Eleanor? Sebastian may not have known it, but she made the decisions she did, from long before college, to many months down the road, simply because she felt just as he did, she wasn’t stopping him from doing anything she knew he was capable of. And their biggest fear of all? It was the thought of putting an irreparable strain on their relationship and causing resentment somewhere down the line. Everything was fine the way it was, so why jeopardise that? Oh, the irony of their eighteen-year-old decision. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* October 2001 Fall had never looked as beautiful as it had done at that point in time. It had very little to do with the surroundings of campus, or this side of New Jersey, and more to do with the feelings and emotions fall brought with the changing times of this point in Sebastian’s life. Browning leaves crunched under foot and the air was cooler than it had been a few weeks prior, the humidity had dulled to nothing, allowing for an extra layer to be worn, yet warm enough to forgo a coat. Fall had settled a content feeling in his bones, like the warmth of a coffee shop on a rainy day, the ending of a good novel, a cuddle on the sofa during a film. Sebastian hadn’t felt this good in a long while. He could still remember that day he walked out of his campus building and saw his best friend standing there with an enormous grin and two coffees in hand. She was a breath of fresh air, even on a great day. He’d scooped her up into his arms, mindful of the beverages she tried to angle away from him, and he held her there for a minute or so. It had been a month of texting and calling, when they had the time, but christ had he missed having her right there in front of him. She squeezed him a little tighter and then let go, her hand outstretched to offer him a cup. “Just how you like it, at least I hope it still is,” she teased. “You shouldn’t have, but thank you, I really need this. All of this” “Long day?” “I guess you could say that, although I don’t know how, it’s barely four.” Eleanor hummed in agreement, and gulped a mouthful of her drink, “I hear you, it can be so draining, I’m pretty much sleeping every chance I get.” “Sleep? Sorry, no clue who, or what, that is.” His eyebrows scrunched, and he laughed, trying to make light of the fact he was beyond exhausted this early into the semester, even though he knew classes weren’t entirely to blame. Instead of joining in the humour, her face appeared more concerned, she always worried about him, no matter what, “You better be taking time for yourself, and resting, Stan.” “Yes mom.” “I see Rutgers haven’t taught you any manners yet, you heathen.” That ridiculous smirk had been perfected on his face throughout his mildly growing confidence, “They’ve taught me plenty, I just don’t want you thinking they changed me too much.” “Yeah, yeah. Whatever helps you sleep at night, honey.” “Hey, so I know this was supposed to be just us, but my friends kinda wanna meet you so I said they could join us,” he scrunched his face and clenched his teeth in anticipation, “is that okay?” If she wasn’t okay with it, she didn’t let it show, instead she nodded with a smile and continued to drain her coffee, “Of course it is, the more the merrier, eh?” Eleanor kicked up the leaves in his direction and laughed as he retaliated. Yeah, they were just fine. *-*-*-*-*-* No time had been wasted that afternoon, he’d found Eleanor’s eagerness for being shown around the Mason Gross campus all too endearing, wanting a peak into his lecture rooms and seeing where he spent his time. She’d wanted to absorb everything about this place and what it was offering her friend. She’d made no secret of her curiosity and vast interest in the space around her. Later that afternoon, on the train journey they shared home, she rested her head on his shoulder and told him how she couldn’t wait to return the favour and show him her grounds sometime soon. Eleanor wanted to link arms with him and point to every new room that had become her life and share that special place with him too. She’d been hesitant to admit it aloud, but there were times she really wished they’d applied for the same colleges. As for his classmates, they were the friendliest and most welcoming bunch, well mostly, which had been a shock to him in the beginning. He’d been expecting far too many loud personalities that clashed, and a bucketload of bitchiness to boot, but thankfully everything was travelling smoothly in that area and along the way he’d made a good group of friends, bold hard workers. There were just four of them, but it was an equal and fair number, there was no shouting to make your voice heard, but enough to bounce off each other and bring out the best in one another. He’d been excited, and nervous, in equal measures, to introduce them to Eleanor. What if they didn’t like her? Unlikely. What if she didn’t like them? Would that change his opinion towards them too? He feared it would. Watching them interact had quelled his anxiety regarding the situation, quick to realise there had been nothing to worry about. As usual, she looked comfortable and natural being a part of their group and he couldn’t refrain from wondering if she’d always look so at peace in every area of his life. Would she always fit in? Was this how life would be? What happens if it isn’t? What happens if she stops being able to slot herself into his life? Where does that leave him? He left all of these questions unanswered for the time being and decided it wasn’t worth thinking about when everything was still as he knew it should be. He’d like to bury his head in the sand a little longer. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* New Year’s Eve, December 2001 Finding yourself blind drunk on a Monday night was never a recipe for success, no matter how good the last vodka tasted as he knocked it back. He’d promised Eleanor a night with his new college friends though, and let it be known, Sebastian Stan is a man of his word. He distinctly remembered being a little too insistent that his flatmate Jared celebrated the New Year with them after sinking a few glasses of something positively vile tasting. It was all Eleanor’s fault really, she had a penchant for drinking anything she could get her hands on, no matter how cheap it was or how much it tasted like paint stripper. Sebastian remembered all too clearly how lovely she looked that evening, Tisch was treating her very well indeed and that smile on her face seemed more permanent than he’d ever recalled seeing it. She was radiant, and it was screwing with his head a little too much. He hadn’t been able to dwell on it for long though, four of his new peers had loudly come knocking on his apartment door, arms laden with alcohol he didn’t even question them procuring. He figured he didn’t need to know. The last to arrive had been his girlfriend, Katy, an average height, fiery red headed, girl he’d met in class. He’d been hesitant to invite her along for the celebrations, no one knew her all too well, but she was alone in the city and he couldn’t bear to let her spend the holiday alone. He wasn’t that kind of guy. So, she’d joined in, making nice with everyone occupying the apartment, charming those she hadn’t met and acquainting herself further with those she had. Katy was radiant, and Sebastian’s feelings were a little off kilter when he saw how well she was getting along with Eleanor. Perhaps this all had been a little too much for him to handle. Instead of openly acknowledging it, he turned the music louder, grabbed a few more bottles from the seemingly endless collection on the kitchen counter, and began offering it around like the kind host he had convinced his friends he could be. The night had whirled by in a blur, all knocking back drink after drink, whilst trying to perform (mostly) godawful renditions of mixed compilation CD’s Jared was powering through. Eleanor had collared Sebastian the moment he tried to sit down on the sofa, he really ought to have known he wouldn’t be able to escape at least a duet throughout of the course of the evening, she was certainly one to make sure of that. And for all of Sebastian’s make-believe confident facade he boasted to his friends from time to time, he was very thankful for all the vodka in his system that baited his anxiety of singing in front of his friends. He still made a mental note to plan his payback when she was least suspecting. Eleanor pressed next on the CD player and threw her head back in amusement as the opening bars of Billy Joel rang throughout the apartment. Like a rehearsed collaboration, they took the song line by line, alternating the parts like they’d done many times over the past few years, with earphones stuffed in their ears, listening through Eleanor’s walkman in a fort of pillows and blankets. He could at least be grateful she’d chosen something he knew like the back of his hand. Sergeant O'Leary is walkin' the beat At night he becomes a bartender He works at Mr. Cacciatore's down on Sullivan Street Across from the medical center Yeah and he's tradin' in his Chevy for a Cadillac You oughta know by now And if he can't drive with a broken back At least he can polish the fenders Humoured cheers and claps and yells filled the ending of the song and the pair laughed into each other necks at how silly they enjoyed being together. “C’mon guys, the countdown!” There was no feeling of justification when the knot in Sebastian’s stomach tightened upon seeing them together. It didn’t matter who kissed who, who was sleeping together or who were friends or not, it wasn’t his business. It shouldn’t matter that, through a drunken chorus of Auld Lang Syne, Eleanor & Jared hadn’t stopped for air despite their sloppy, giggly mouths barely keeping in sync. There were catcalls and jeers, but they were blissfully unaware, seemingly unaware of whatever was happening, or falling apart, around them. He was sobering rapidly, or at least he felt as though he was, until Katy hesitantly pulled him in for a kiss and he felt like his knees were ready to give way. And they did, his body momentarily slumped in his girlfriend’s arms before he righted himself and held onto her, wanting to keep her safe from the betrayal of his body and confused thoughts that were rushing through his mind at a mile a minute. Pull yourself together, Sebastian. Don’t do this again. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* May 2002 ‘I’ve got the lead role!!!’ Sebastian was ecstatic  when he’d received the news that he’d been cast as the leading role in a college production, this was his time to prove his worth, and his talent, to more than his classmates, it was something to be proud of. The moment he’d heard, he couldn’t resist texting Eleanor to inform her, she’d hyped him up so much prior to his audition, and the evening before the cast was schedule to announced, it meant a lot to share this with her. ‘I knew you’d do it, superstar! Don’t forget me when you’re famous. So proud of you’ Little did he know, a few hours later, no amount of lead roles could stop him from the hollow feeling that was about to settle in his stomach. “Seba,” that was all Sebastian could make out from her broken sobs on the other end of the telephone line. “You’re scaring me, El. What’s happened?” “I’m leaving next week.” “Leaving where?” “New York, - America. I’m going back to England.” And just like that, the bottom of Sebastian’s world just about gave way. He almost couldn’t breathe at the thought of her leaving, the thought of her, not only not being in the same state, but not even the same country. Most of all, he noticed how she’d stopped referring to England as home, like she viewed her place in the US as her home now, right where he was. “What- I don’t understand, why? You can’t just leave.” “My grandfather’s too ill, Seb. The doctors don’t think he’ll last the summer, and we can’t sit thousands of miles away waiting for him to go, we need to be with the family.” “I’m really sorry - I didn’t - I knew he was bad, but I didn’t think it would be so soon, I thought you all had more time.” “We did too, but he can’t hang on forever. Everyone needs us more than ever.”

“When will you be back?” “When he’s gone, I presume. God, I feel sick even thinking about it,” she choked out a sob and sniffled, her throat cleared to try to keep her emotions under control, but it was useless, Sebastian could hear her heartbreak as clear as day. And he couldn’t do a thing to help her. Being back in her home country felt more foreign than America ever had despite the years she’d spent growing up there. The world there felt so small, she’d outgrown it all and it was borderline suffocating. She missed New York more than she has anticipated. But she was right where she was supposed to be, this she had told Sebastian a few times over the past two weeks. He could hear the exhaustion in her voice every time they spoke, despite how limited, and short, their calls were. Everything about this situation was draining. “Stay safe, okay? I can’t look after you when we’re an ocean apart.” However, the more weeks that passed, the less their contact remained, which in itself had become a drain on them both. Calls full of sadness, missing each other, hating how life was panning out around them. The calls became less frequent, proving to be far too expensive to keep up with, and poor timing played a part too, mostly when Sebastian was out with his other friends, creating a situation too loud and disruptive to hold a five-minute conversation. And even when they did try to reach one another, they were mostly met with voicemails which turned into multiple missed calls. Emails became few and far between and Sebastian was beginning to lose all hope in any remaining contact. It felt like a lost cause. She’d been away two months when all communication ceased. His calls remained unanswered, emails ignored, text messages unread and then he realised she wasn’t coming back home any time soon. It was the not knowing what was going on with her that caused him the most stress and upset. Was she okay? Has her grandfather passed? Was she grieving? Has she given up on me? He didn’t want to think selfishly, but he was confused and hurt by her radio silence. By the time late August rolled around, college had started again, and he poured himself into his studies and his friends, hoping she would give him a sign sooner or later, but he’d somewhat resigned himself to the fact this was it. At least for now. So, he’d stopped hovering his thumb over the call button on her contact, he’d caught himself walking in the direction of her apartment and stopped and turned the other way, he tried to continue with his life like she was taking a very long leave of absence, which in a way, he supposed she was. But for how long, he didn’t know. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* “Eleanor.” “Hi, Sebastian,” there had been hundreds of things he’d wanted to ask her over the years, with a hundred more answers he’d anticipated, but he was at a loss for words. His mind was blank. How was this possible? Eleanor’s expression left him feeling uncomfortable and he couldn’t move, nor look away. Instead, she dropped her head and her eyes lowered to his shoes before closing. He could still read her just as well as he could a decade ago, and that was a far odder thought than he thought it would have been. The thought that had sent his head reeling was, despite all that had happened, and how much he had missed her terribly, he didn’t know how he felt seeing her again. Was he happy? Was he sad? Was he angry? Was he relieved? Or had he reached the ambivalent stage? Whatever he deduced his feelings be, either tonight or years down the line, he’d have to get used to having her around again even if for the sake of his friends. That was if she’d even stick around this time. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Rose Coloured Boy tags: @lovingfionn​, @lowdenglynnstyles, @outofworkactress, @prettyboytgc, @ugly-crying-over-bucky-barnes, @kyber-hearts-and-stardust-souls

[vio1315]

Gonna like psychoanalyze myself for a quick second

because this is generally cathartic for me anyhow and there has been a Catalyst

Kinda reflecting on my nature again and the pros and cons of the way I live my life

I say it a lot, I have an obsessive nature, and it shapes my life down to the day

I’m not necessarily a work-a-holic, not really. I just think of nothing else but work. My actions don’t always line up with always working, but my thoughts do. I’m often willing to work, especially when it’s in a scheduled format

Take away the ability to schedule, and it all crumples

The second something makes me miss a day of schedule, I go and miss 3 months

And due to the nature of my obsession, time missed is deeply depressing

But tasks which are too large are deeply anxiety inducing

So I live my life in this back and forth, and that’s the least of the cons of my lifestyle

The greatest is how it affects the people in my life, and my engagement with them

My personal projects have become my focus in life, that’s the gist of things. I work, I eat, and I think of personal projects (and with luck, I work on them)

As such, it thus becomes Vital I am at my computer

Because everything in my projects are computer related

Drawing is done digitally, typing is the best way to write (I’ve come to despise everything handwritten), if I want to put together a video that of course must be recorded and edited through the computer.

Everything relies on being by my desktop

Without the distraction of a person nearby

Trying to write on my tablet by others is a futile effort

They like to watch TV or play videos and it just shuts down any level of flow immediately 

And this is all about just having the Chance to work, not the guarantee

Certainly I’ve quarantined myself off for months at a time and accomplished incredible amounts of work which I honestly have no idea how I managed (and I’m proud over)

 But other times it’s for nothing

I sit by my computer day after day to find very little is done if anything (made worse by going to a job every day if I’m honest)

And this is a very clear trade off

I can’t maintain or develop relationships so long as my obsession exists

I told someone I would play a game with them

After about a year nothing has come of it

Because I would have to practice the game to play it with them, and I can’t find any kind of desire to give up Potential work time in order to do so

I have neglected to set up video calls

Left in the middle of my sisters visits

All this kind of stuff in order to have the potential to work

I’ve decided not to try to seek new relationships as I know I’m not willing to give my time

Certainly when people initiate I let them, but I can’t bring myself to initiate beyond text based communications Because it’s a time commitment which takes away from work potential

Even writing this I weighed it against my work potential, and decided not writing it would be too distracting before I let myself write it

And you know, the people who Are in my life... well they’re patient and understanding, but really, even with them, I’m pushing myself into hermit like levels as per usual

And I have to decide if that’s even worth it

Or if it’s a very great mistake

Because there are pros to this lifestyle

I always know what I’m doing, I always have a plan. I can’t for the life of me tell you when I’ll move out, or even the most basics of my career path ideas, but I always have a direction in mind and things to achieve, which bring enough satisfaction that I need not care

My life goes this way and that, but I have these very solid and constant goals to think on instead

This sense of purpose progresses. I have gotten things done, a lot of things done. I don’t have to think that my goals are hollow talk because I prove I can do it

It causes and prevents all kinds of detached listlessness

Generally I find the pros of always having this goal which honestly gives me more purpose than most anything else to be worthwhile

But will it always be the case

When it’s done, I’ll have only the consequences

I know it won’t bring me money, that only 5 people will really even see it

Yet the consequences will be that there’s not really anybody in my life

And so what do I value more?

And indeed, why do I feel such a need to compromise it

Can’t I spend a day with someone and work another time?

It feels impossible to me

Time working missed makes tomorrows work all the more skippable 

Which is why schedules worked so well for me

‘40 pages everyday’ lets you know when it’s okay to stop, or approximately how much free time you have to give before you Have to start working

But when it’s kind of ‘I’ll put in whatever time I have’

that changes the whole game

I suppose ultimately what I’m considering right now is this

Is my obsession immoral 

And regardless of this

is it worth it?

But mostly

What do I do without it?

I promise you, even if I went fully into my relationships, I don’t really have the skills to back up that commitment, so I have to wonder how it’d go

And thinking on it, I think my belief that everybody will eventually leave probably only feeds into things

My work will outlast these relationships

So why give the temporary more time?

Perhaps then that’s why my family gets my time more easily than my friends?

Hard to say

I don’t suspect I’ll reach any meaningful decision on the matter though

Because even if I did decide to ease up on my obsession

ultimately I just don’t even know how to interact with people

More specifically, I don’t know how to non intrusively set up interactions

I don’t know how to forge new relationships, especially outside of my own terms which are heavily text communications based

So

What decision is there to make

I’m good at my obsession, I’m almost efficient in it except for this most recent bump in the road that is ‘daily job’

I have no clue where to even start with relationships

This is not even mentioning everything else that is negatively impacted by my refusal to give it time

[giantmonsterdad]

I’m putting this here for posterity reasons, but this is the letter that HR had me write following my meeting with them this week. I decided to be as truthful and as upfront as I could be.

I would like to preface the following letter with a couple things. One, that even though I do have issue with Matt's coaching style, I'm not necessarily blaming him per se. His coaching style may work well for others, I just don't think it's a fit to me personally. Two, there are definitely times where I have been at fault, and I readily admit that. 

Over the past year, I've had concerns over interactions between myself and my coach, Matt. On a personal level, we get along quite well. He's a nice person, we have a few things in common, and when we're not talking about work, we easily talk about a number of different things without issue. It's the professional level where we have problems. Before coming to Matt's team, I never had problems with implementing pair plans, never had disciplinary issues or needed step-it-up conversations or had formal conversations. Yes, I realize that Team of Experts is a new line of business, but I've given it a year at this point and things have not improved.

Of the 9 members of the team we started out with, 5 have moved to a different team or are working on doing so, for similar reasons to mine. I know I'm not the only one who doesn't work well with Matt's coaching style. There are also parts of Matt's coaching style that others have a problem with that I do not. For example, his energy and enthusiasm. I have no problem with his attempts to keep the team motivated and energized. I know that there are other people on the team that are made uncomfortable with it, however.

Over the past year, both Matt and I have tried to work things out on a coach and employee standpoint. There have been several occasions in which I have approached him or been approached by him based on our interactions. Typically, things are better for about a week after those conversations, and then they go back to how they were. Matt repeatedly tells me that if I have an issue with him or his coaching style, that I can approach him and talk to him about it. Most of the time, those conversations consist of me voicing my concerns, him denying most of my concerns verbally, but still improving over the next couple days before going back to original behaviors.

That isn't to say that he hasn't improved in some ways, and that there aren't professional ways in which we get along. For example, Matt is one of the few who has never had issue with the use of my proper pronouns, and makes sure that others also respect my pronouns as well. After the focus group our team had with Dale, where the primary concern that our group voiced was our level of support, Matt has done much better to stay in the pod and/or let us know when he does leave so we can be prepared. He also does well in trying to get additional support for us when he's not here or when we just need extra support, and usually will arrange for other people to come in and help with the queue when we need an extra hand. On all of those fronts, he's definitely improved and it's very much appreciated. 

However, I still find myself having professional problems on this team, personally. I feel as though I cannot have a bad or off day at work. I have severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Sometimes, my medications don't do what they're supposed to, or I'm adjusting to a change in my medications, or I have a day where my medications cannot keep up with the chemical imbalance in my brain. On those days, it's a struggle to come to work, let alone sound peppy and positive. I try to keep those days from effecting others and keep to myself on those days. That said, those days I am more likely to be affected by angry and/or abusive customers. On a good day or a normal day, I can handle those customers without a problem. But, sometimes I do cry, sometimes I can't gain control of a call when a customer is like that and I'm having a bad mental day. When I have one of those days, Matt often just tells me that I "can't let it get to [me]", as though I'm purposefully letting those calls or that customer effect me, when that is not my intention. There was an occasion on one such day where Matt said that I "need to make sure that [I] want to be [at T-Mobile]". That upset me, and when he wasn't sure what to say, he had Kelly HG join our coaching. Kelly was diplomatic with me and easily de-escalated me. Rather than just telling me about my negatives, she focused on my positives as well. She made me feel comfortable and confident and provided options for helping these situations in the future. This was a couple of months ago.

A week ago from this past Sunday, there was a day in which I asked Matt about development options, now that one of the reps closest to being a senior expert had left the team for another. Rather than telling me that I could be a candidate for senior expert, Matt immediately told me that I would have to dual skill in order to be considered at all, and that's what he focused on. I mentioned that the other senior tech expert in our community, Monica, who became a tech expert only within the past few months, didn't have to dual skill like how he was telling me. Matt said we'd talk about it later and didn't elaborate on anything until our coaching at the end of the day. (I have since emailed Monica about this situation. She confirmed that she only had to dual skill once before she was made tech expert. But, that's beside the point.) At the end of the day, I told him that I felt I was being held to a different standard than other reps. For example, Jason, Sarah and Jessica were all allowed to support frequently despite not dual-skilling, and in some cases not necessarily meeting metrics. Matt disagreed with me and said they were held to the same standards. (I spoke with Jason after, he confirmed that he was never spoken to about dual-skilling before then, despite supporting the team for weeks prior.) I told Matt that I wasn't necessarily wanting to promote, but that I was really looking for something in my career field (I have a degree in Technical Writing and Graphic Design), so I would be more interested in Business Support, Solution Center, Resource Planning or, ideally, C2 or Grand Central development. Once Matt realized this, I left the coaching feeling positive and excited for development options.

The wednesday following that coaching (or perhaps the wednesday after that, I don't remember exactly), I had a coaching about this same topic with Matt and Dan both. Things went from looking forward to development, to completely losing all drive or want to develop as both of them referred to me as not being "stable" enough to develop. That in another role I couldn't be someone who might cry with feedback, or someone who may be emotional. I do not want to cry of be emotional, but due to my medical conditions, sometimes it does happen. Now, I don't want to develop at all. I've given up on development for the time being, and instead want to focus on doing my best at my current job. I reassured Dan and Matt that my wanting to develop was not because I wanted time off the phones or because I wanted to avoid calls. I even offered to come in off my typical shift to develop so I wouldn't effect the queue. Dan said this was not an option, and I understand that now. Dan and Matt focused instead on my emotional state and that I was not "stable" enough to move to a different role.

The night after that wednesday coaching, I went home and wrote a suicide note because I felt like I had no options left. I spent the next two days after that wednesday weighing the pros and cons of ending my own life. It took all of my willpower, but I managed instead to visit my psychologist, who adjusted my medications again.

It was that saturday that I sent an email to Nan looking for advice. I was not looking for any specific outcome, but I didn't know what to do at this point. I had already spoken to Dale, to Dan and to Matt directly about how I feel on this team. I specifically wanted to speak to someone in HR who was familiar with my history and someone I trusted. 

The next day, sunday, was another bad day. I did an okay job with most of my calls, but I was our team's only tech rep and was very busy. I had a customer that I had interpreted to be effected by an outage. She was upset and requested to be transferred back to account for credits, and ended up getting to a member of my team. Matt had the teammate transfer back to me to do troubleshooting instead. I was upset, stressed, and I admit I did not react well, to Matt or to Stephanie who transferred the customer back to me. But I took the call and did basic troubleshooting. I notated the account with a message that, in hindsight, did sound passive aggressive in tone. Matt had me go into coaching again, and I had another coaching with Kelly HG. Matt interrupted me multiple times in the coaching when I tried to explain myself. Matt stated that we had spoken about a situation like this once before (in May, we had had a similar incident in which a customer had a notated outage, but I was unable to read the outage report to find that it did not effect them. this time, i read the outage report and interpreted it incorrectly.). I did not recall that specific situation then, but I do now. As Matt was recapping, he said that "account care is always an option" and said he is concerned about my "tech ability". My tech ability is about the only pride I have in myself, and hearing Matt say that I may not be a good tech really made me hit rock bottom. This immediately set me off and I started crying despite my will to prevent that. Kelly diffused the situation and made me feel a bit better, but Matt kept saying things that upset me (and Kelly kept having to follow after him to diffuse the situation). This coaching really made me think that I may not be a fit for Matt's coaching style any longer. That night, when I left work, I bought a rope to hang myself with. I have since convinced myself to not do so, but that's twice in one week where I've felt like I wanted to end my life. This is unacceptable. Customers do not make me feel this way. In the long run, I can have a bad call and then move on with my life. I cannot come to work and worry that my coach constantly feels as though I'm not good enough for this job. I cannot have every call where I feel like I hit 100% of the call flow and pair plan and still wonder if Matt is going to focus on what I could have done to push it even further from a great call to a perfect call rather than congratulate me on what I did good on the call. 

I don't want any disciplinary action from this, or to have to worry about retaliation. All I want to do is to be able to come to work and do my job and not come home after coachings feeling like there is no hope from me and that I cannot do better. I don't want to promote anymore, I just want to to my current job to the best of my abilities. At this point, it may be a good decision for me to move to being a tech on a different team, and ideally I would like to keep the same schedule as the breaks in working days help me to de-stress and relax.

[lynellecameron-blog]

Like a Ball Thrown Up, Waiting to Fall

It took me about two weeks to fully realize and admit that what had happened to me was sexual assault. I say sexual assault because at that moment I still hadn’t accepted it as rape. I knew it was wrong. I knew I had been taken advantage of. I knew something I had vocally and physically resisted had been forced on me. I could say those things but I couldn’t say rape. I don’t remember much emotion prior to that day. I remember feeling sad and blaming myself. If you’re a decent human, you’re probably wondering how I could blame myself? I was and still am in a very vulnerable place. I have a heavy past with a lot of baggage. I have major depressive disorder and anxiety NOS. I also have a slight variation of PTSD. It wasn’t until this year that I was diagnosed. It wasn’t until this year that I did anything about my conditions. What led to that is a story for another time. The point here is that I did decide to do something about them. I couldn’t have been more upfront with this person about the state I was in. I rejected him. He pursed it. It all progressed pretty quickly. That’s it though your whole life is fine one moment and the next things will never be the same. A couple of days before “it” happened we had made plans to watch a movie at his house. He kept making advances and I kept saying no. At one point I got so blunt I said I’m not sleeping with you, stop trying. It went on and on. I’d never felt such pressure in a physical, intimate situation in all my years. It got to a point where he was guiding me and my body into the places he wanted. I’d adjust, move and it’d start all over. He kept saying over and over what’d you expect. Eventually that night I had my moment where I snapped out of it. I just got up and walked out. Went home. I was done and that was that. I felt sick though and dirty. I felt dirty. I remember scrubbing my hands over and over, just trying to wash the night off. I tell you about this night because it was the first sign. It was the red flag screaming danger. It’s the first night in my life I had ever felt so pressured and uncomfortable sexually. By the end of the next day though somehow I thought I was overreacting and I’d be upset I pushed away a “good guy” or so I thought. The following day I went out with some girls from work and we had talked about him picking me up after he got off. He picked me up that night somewhere around 2am. I was intoxicated. He was sober. I had a pretty decent amount of alcohol and that was noticeable. Not so much though that I was incoherent to remember the next events. In my head I knew we’d probably have sex that night which the unhealthy part of me was okay with. We started to have vaginal, missionary sex. At this point I was okay with everything. Then I felt pressure elsewhere and I readjusted myself so he continued vaginal intercourse for a moment. Then I felt the pressure again so I readjusted myself again and said no. He mocked my no as though he was questioning it. I then verbally told him no for what was the second time. He stopped and continued normally for a moment. Shortly after, I felt him slam into me elsewhere. The pain was hard and sudden. I cried out in pain and moved on to my side in the fetal position, crying. He looked down on me with this look of almost disgust and said “What?”. As soon as I released myself from the fetal position he went back to vaginal intercourse as if nothing had happened. When he was finished I went to the bathroom where I noticed some blood. I hadn’t processed anything at this point. I showered and dressed for bed. I was groggy from the alcohol and tired from the day. I fell sleep facing away from him. I’m not sure how long after he rolled my body over and started kissing me. I said “Again?” he asked me if I wanted to I didn’t say anything out loud but I shook my head. He continued anyway and this time I just laid there. I didn’t participate at all. I was so tired it felt like my body was there and my mind wasn’t. During my shift at work the next night I had horrible, sharp pelvic pains. I couldn’t stand up anymore by the end of my shift. I left work early and my dad took me to the ER. I didn’t tell them what happened and nothing indicated a reason for the pain. The doctors chalked it up to my prior health conditions and they discharged me with some pain meds. The next few shifts at work were tense because at this time we were coworkers. I ignored him as much as I could. After being abrasive he started to try to make conversation and made comments about why I wasn’t talking to him. I told him we were coworkers and that’s that. He began to use every chance he had to talk to me. Even taking my red bull from my hand trying to drink it and offering me chocolate he had bit off of. Most of the time he’d wait till I was alone to start a conversation with me. Work had become very uncomfortable. It wasn’t until almost a week later on a car ride with my mom that I told anyone the details of the night. After saying it out loud and her reaction I realized what really happened. I hadn’t taken it in. I blocked it out. My following shifts I began to have severe anxiety. Part of the shift he’d be rude and hostile the other part he’d try to be my friend. The next five shifts are a blur as well as the days in between. Work was the hard part though. I used those pain meds not for their intended purpose but for the mental pain to get myself through. I was essentially drugging myself through the days and to sleep at night. I felt anxious and uncomfortable all day. I felt sick, so sick. That’s the memory that stands out just feeling sick to my core. I was constantly on the brink of panic. I’d feel my limbs to begin to go numb from the start of a panic attack before I even realized it was coming. I would put myself in the bathroom multiple times. I remember crying on the phone with my mom trying to find a way to go back out and do my job. He was impossible to avoid. So many people were asking me if I was okay and saying I didn’t seem like myself. I thought I was doing a good job at hiding it, I was doing my best. I had to watch coworkers and friends of mine interact with him. I had to listen to them praise him and what a good guy he was. I couldn’t blame them. They didn’t know. It still was a knife to my stomach. I gave away a couple of shifts and close to the two-week mark I knew I couldn’t handle one more day. After trying to get in with my primary care doctor I went to the ER were they diagnosed me with panic attacks, anxiety and sexual assault. I could barely explain the story. All the reactions from the nurses and doctors made it set in more. They were all telling me how wrong it was and strongly urging me to report it. I still couldn’t grasp and process it all. During this time I was against reporting it. I worked with him and I knew more often than not these things don’t go very far. I didn’t want people at work to know. I didn’t want to have to defend my truth. I didn’t want to make things harder for myself emotionally.I knew there wasn’t much physical evidence since I never had an official exam. I still felt at blame for putting myself in that situation and for drinking. I felt guilty and confused as to why I didn’t get up and leave. I told my therapist everything that happened the next time, the truth. We discussed the language to use. By definition I knew it was rape. I had given the speech to plenty of girls. I had spoken up for our rights. I even remember being at a leadership conference in the sixth grade when I first learned about all the different ways rape can occur. I knew that because I consented to part of the night didn’t mean I gave him free range over my body but still I couldn’t use that word. I was conscious, I didn’t fight him off and I had consented to part of it so rape just didn’t seem right. We discussed why it was wrong and why I blamed myself. I told her I was leaning towards not reporting. We weighed some of the pros and cons. She prepared me for the fact that no matter which route I took people would blame me. People would say awful, hurtful things to me as they do all the other victims. That no matter what some people won’t believe me. She told me I must remember that their words did not a change a thing and what he did was wrong. I hit a breaking point a few days later. I was sitting in the bathroom riding out another panic attack it was that moment I thought, “This is it. This is going to be the thing that breaks me. I can’t do this. This is the thing I cannot do”. I couldn’t work like that anymore and my life was forever changed. It wasn’t fair that his could go on as if nothing happened. I knew I wasn’t the only girl and if I didn’t do anything I probably wouldn’t be the last. I didn’t want to be the reason he thought he really could get away with it. I knew then I had to report it. I had an appointment with my primary care doctor he told me almost the same things the prior doctors had. Ironically enough he serves on a board for UNLV which investigates sexual assault cases. He gave me some guidance if I chose to report. The biggest thing was to write down everything I could remember in the most specific detail from the assault until current day. Everything had been a blur so this was a difficult task. The night before I was going report I texted him and asked if even knew what he did was wrong. At first he would completely deny the incident. He swore he never did that and never would. He tried to tell me I begged to go to his house that night and I knew what was going to happen. He went as far as to tell me that he drove me to my complex and I told him I couldn’t get in my gate. I wouldn’t go in and begged him to take me to his home. The thing is I had only ever partially blacked out one time in my life and I didn’t remember him driving me to my complex. I had brought my gate clicker with me since my friend had picked me up to go out. I knew I would never say that since I had the clicker. I have no recollection of this. I realized he was lying. I didn’t understand why, I still don’t. The only conclusion I could draw was that he was trying to convince me I was too far gone to remember things correctly. Then his attitude would shift and he’d apologize profusely. Almost bluntly admitting what he did and begging me to forgive him so we could move on with our lives. The conversation ended and the new day came it was time to make the report. It took most of the day to mentally prepare myself to go through the process. Luckily I was able to make the report from home. Since I had recently written everything down it wasn’t to hard to get through the events. The questions they asked weren’t too bad but I was prepared for the explicit detail. The officers themselves were nice enough. It was still laying the most vulnerable parts of me out there for essentially two strangers and my father. They took a lot of notes and said how there were a lot of factors in my favor. They stepped out to speak with the detective. When they came back in that is when they told me that there wasn’t enough to go off to make a case. That since I had been drinking how could I remember clearly and that it started consensual etc… They told me going forward I would only be destroyed in the case. The things they would say to me and the questions they asked would be far worse than what I experienced that day. They finished the report, to keep record of the incident. They told me I could get a temporary stay away order if I wanted. That did nothing for me though. He wouldn’t be able to come to work and people would eventually find out why. Most importantly he would know I reported him and it didn’t go further. I was devastated. That was my plan. That process was supposed to guide me through this. That plan was how I was surviving and then it was over too quickly. The option of taking the case to civil court was brought to my attention so I scheduled a consultation with a lawyer. In between this time he was out-of-town so I was doing okay at work and just focusing on my appointment with the lawyer. I just stayed focused on the next steps. I had another session with my therapist and I told her about my plan. She brought up how it wold feel if that route wasn’t successful either and my feelings about the criminal report not going further. It was then she brought up the thought of validation. She told me she was seeing that I had a need for validation that what he did was wrong. I agreed. As much as it shouldn’t matter whether or not people believe you, it is still a big deal. If I thought about the incident itself without myself as the victim I could see it as wrong. I knew it was an awful thing and I felt sick. Moment to moment I didn’t feel anything though. My whole life my strongest coping mechanism has been denial. My mantra has been to just keep moving. While I’m moving I just push whatever is happening to the side or underneath to focus on the task at hand. It’s easy for me, second nature really. I know now I can’t do that with this. I’ve seen the damage that can be done coping that way. I didn’t know how to make sure that didn’t happen this time. I didn’t know how to make myself deal with it. How do I feel it so I can put it to rest? My therapist ended that day by telling me it’s like waiting for a ball that’s been thrown into the air fall back down. Everything on the inside of me was thrown into the air and I was left waiting on the ground. I am standing there waiting to see what happens when that ball smacks the ground. Waiting to see which direction it bounces in next, what final damage it will cause. Well I met with that lawyer and she agreed to take on my case. I’ve decided not to pursue that route though. At the end of the day the lengths I would have to go to punish him would really only make me suffer more. It would only add time to my healing process. Also in between all of this due to other circumstances and by the grace of karma he no longer worked at the same place as me. Now that plan is over I am learning what my feelings look like now that there are no next steps to take. I am that ball hitting the ground. I am bouncing around feeling a lot of different emotions, trying to make sense of it all. I wrote this because a long time ago I knew I wanted to take my story and put it into the world somehow. That was a long time before I was ever assaulted. If I am being perfectly honest this isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me. It was through sharing that first experience with one of my closet friends that I knew someday I’d write something for all the other women out there. I wrote this because right now this is all I can do. Sharing my story and hoping it helps other victims is the only justice I can find right now. I want other victims to know you are not alone. Know that no matter who or what tries to tear you down this is not your fault. It’s not your fault you drank too much or wore your skirt too short. There’s no box rape fits into. There is no one type of sexual assault. It doesn’t matter how you reacted. Your body and mind go through shock. They each have their own biological responses. If you were too drunk to consent to sex that’s rape. If you consent to part of a sexual act but not another its rape. If your partner or spouse forces a sexual act on you it is rape. No means no. Only yes means yes. I want women to know the importance of DNA in rape cases. I want women to know regardless of the variation of the assault it is important to get examined after. It is important to tell a medical professional the truth so that the documentation is there if you decide to report . I want you to know justice has a different meaning for everyone. Reporting is an individual choice and it may not be the best for you and that’s okay too. Take the time practice self-care both mentally and physically. I wrote this because some of you will not know me but some of you will. For those who do I want this drive home how close this can hit you. We rape victims are your daughters, sisters, nieces, friends, cousins, girlfriends… There are women all around you that experience this evil. Women that have been preyed on by these monsters. I want you to see how real this issue of rape culture is, how close to home it hits. I want men that don’t understand consent and men who don’t value consent to see the damage you can inflict because there’s a hole left inside me now. There are things I’ve done just to feel anything. There’s a numbness that I am not sure will ever go away. There’s a strength that comes with surviving though. I have survived this. I have had the moment where thought it would break me. I thought I would cease to exist. I am here despite it. I survived and I continue to survive every day as I figure this out in my head. You can too. If you found this post helpful or insightful please feel free to like, comment, share and follow.

https://allisfigureoutable.com/2016/11/01/like-a-ball-thrown-up-waiting-to-fall/

[bestnewsmag-blog]

New Post has been published on Bestnewsmag

New Post has been published on https://bestnewsmag.com/mental-health-doctor-issues-warning-over-mindfulness-apps-offering-quick-fix/

Mental health: Doctor issues warning over mindfulness apps offering 'quick fix'

Your Doctor Just Prescribed Kidney Failure Treatment – Now What?

  You’ve got simply been advised that your kidneys are not working the way they need to be, and as such, you are now in want of treatment to basically hold you alive. The good information is that you have alternatives, and the idea of kidney failure remedy proves to be an instead hopeful ray of mild at some point of an otherwise dark time for your existence.

Oddly sufficient, it has a tendency to be the psychological thing of hearing bad news approximately your health that could weigh closely on a patient & his or her own family. How did this take place? While did it appear? Did I do this? Why is this occurring to me/us? Questions abound, and without many solutions, it is straightforward to look why such a lot of patients going through kidney failure can sink right into a lull if no longer a full despair.

Though higher said than finished, however, it’s crucial for the patient and his or her own family to stand the news with a plan. solutions to tough questions will come, however right now, you want to devise a manner to transport ahead & are trying to find treatment primarily based on your doctor’s hints. In reality, what is wanted is a decidedly strong-willed nature & a dedication to offering the first-class environment to your treatment uber driver and doctor.

Consider it. Whilst you get unwell with a few sniffles and a touch cough, depending on your intellectual method to the symptoms, you could both feel a touch “off” or in reality out-for-the-count number unwell without a threat for recovery. Your intellectual strength plays a critical position in your fitness, and as such, your kidney failure treatment calls for the following from you and people around you:

– following your remedy schedule – following a unique eating regimen – taking any, and all, the medicinal drugs prescribed for you

It should be stated, Even though, that you want to know what exactly is going on an interior of you. It is essential to maintain an open and sincere dating together with your physician. Earlier than the treatment schedules, diets and medicines ask your medical doctor to provide an explanation for in which you are based totally on degrees of the progression of your kidney failure. By using higher knowledge what It is your frame is doing, you’ll be better capable of grasp that your treatment is aimed at supporting you preserve an effective existence even-even as in the midst of important organ failure.

Your medical doctor will imply that you may both need dialysis or an organ transplant. You have to talk about the pros and cons of each remedy option along with your family & with their center and the recommendation of your medical doctor, pick out the choice that fits high-quality.

Though It’s miles a bit of a darker way of searching for your analysis, you need to remember the fact that despite the fact that you have got treatment options, treatment does no longer imply a therapy. There are paintings to be carried out on the horizon, but with that stated, kidney failure treatment is a cause to sense constructive about the street ahead for each you and your family.

When Your Husband Leaves You Without Any Warning

  I regularly get correspondence from other halves who are now living on my own but who by no means noticed this coming. Typically, they’ll come home from paintings or from jogging errands sooner or later and find that their husband has left them. Or, the husband will percent his luggage and announce that the marriage is not operating for him and he thinks that he would possibly “want out.” But this plays out, regularly the wife will tell me that she had no actual warning and that this turned into very a great deal an abrupt and unwelcome marvel.

I regularly listen to things like “I cannot accept as true with he left me. I never surely noticed this coming. I knew we had issues, however, each married couple has troubles. I just can not agree with that he would leave me without ever looking to work matters out. And, I don’t know where to head from right here. I do not need a divorce. I need him to come lower back domestic, but I’m so indignant that he didn’t try to approach me first that I don’t even recognize how to technique him. What should I do?”

The solution to this question goes to rely upon the circumstances and the people concerned. however, it will often help to deal at once with the real situation that is in front of you, in place of looking to deal with the state of affairs that you envision or hope exists. I can speak this more inside the following article.

don’t Awareness Simplest On the Fact which you Had No warning When He Left. Consciousness On What To Do Now And in which to move From here: It’s absolutely regular to be floored through the Reality that one morning you wakened with a husband dwelling at home, however via night you have been on my own with none warning. That is an abrupt blow that can be devastating. but, because it may be important to behave fast, you may regularly make an aware choice no longer to Focus At the manner wherein this passed off.

Yes, your husband ought to most actually have dealt with this in a unique and preferable manner, but neither of you could exchange that now. There’s an actual hazard in allowing your response to how he dealt with this to interfere with how you act towards him in the present. it is able to truly help to ask yourself what your remaining goal is in this example. Some women will simply need to address themselves with dignity and charm whilst copying and shifting on inside the best manner that they understand how.

Others will determine that their primary intention is to get their husband to come again domestic as fast as possible. regularly, what will help with such a desires will also help with the other. Regardless of what making a decision which you ultimately need, It is my enjoy that you may frequently have a less complicated time getting it if you Consciousness on what is right in the front of you in preference to the manner in which it took place. Yes, being blindsided could be very painful and surprising, but it can hurt rather than assist the state of affairs to live on this in preference to taking the movement.

Comparing What’s going to maximum Enhance Your state of affairs: As soon as you’ve decided in which you want to go from here, It’s vital to step again and to try to take the emotion out of it to give you the approach that is most possibly to get you what you need. It’s so clean to lash out, experience envious, and to experience sorry for yourself. however, these items normally might not get you any closer to what you need. In Fact, allowing your emotions to run your movements will frequently preserve you from getting what you want.

Debating with your husband, arguing with him, or lashing out will often push him even in addition away and simply make you extra dissatisfied with your state of affairs. It’s normally higher, as a minimum in my experience and observation, to try as nice as you could to limit yourself to the actions that toughen you and allow you to feel on top of things rather than to give up to the ones emotions or moves which can be natural (and might relieve A few anxiety) however with a purpose to Simplest make the state of affairs worse.

It’s generally When you can particularly upward push above this and handle yourself with electricity and calm that you will often start to benefit A few ground. I certainly understand that this will be hard. Once in a while, you might need to wait to have interaction together with your husband until you can virtually be calm. This may now not be feasible inside the very starting. however, it could actually help to continually maintain in mind your closing aim so that you don’t lose manage of your method.

Interacting along with your Husband For the duration of This hard state of affairs: It’s probably fair to mention that there will come a time While you may want to communicate with your husband approximately where your marriage goes from right here. Whether It is fair or no longer, your husband has sent a clear message with the aid of leaving. Now, It’s up to you as to how you are going to reply to that message. but, before you do, outline how you, in the end, need for this to turn out. If you can put apart the shock, the harm, and the fear, what is your best desire proper now? The solution to this question is what you should vicinity your Recognition upon.

due to the fact, I would argue that Irrespective of what your closing aim is, you may typically get towards it through looking to engage with him in a superb way. Even if you are ultimately going to cease the marriage, this became an essential dating on your life and it’s going to in all likelihood help you going ahead if you could hold this as advantageous as you can. if you need to stop the marriage, enhancing your dating and communications going forward will pass a long way towards helping you to ultimately stop your marriage.

There’s definitely nothing wrong with telling your husband that despite the fact that you are devastated that he would depart you without caution, you would really like to interact with him in a tremendous way going forward. For the reason, that of you have been Once the most critical people in one another’s lives (and can well nevertheless be) it simply doesn’t make sense to allow for one poor action to turn into something this is even worse. He may not be all that receptive to this at the beginning, but While he sees which you’re now not reacting as he predicted and are working with him in preference to in opposition to him, you’ll From time to time be able to slowly rebuild with time. This is regularly true even if you are not 100% positive how you want to method him proper now.

Buy Organic Tamarind and Grab Health and Taste in One Go

  Most biologists recognize this thingamajig by using the call of Tamarindus indica, underneath Fabaceae. Most homemakers and elders know this miracle pod as the fast fix whilst one wishes an awesome laxative, digestive, an answer for bile disorders; or in the kitchen, as a condiment or an emulsifying agent in syrups, decoctions, dips and chutneys of many types.

So why you should use tamarind in any case?

A few researchers know tamarind because the cutting-edge advancement for treatment plans spanning across abdominal pain, diarrhea, dysentery, constipation, infection, asthma, gonorrhea, parasitic infections, fevers, and so forth.; as an effective antimicrobial, anti-venom, antioxidant, wound healing agent.

And Maximum folks recognize this as a spice or condiment that definitely transports our taste buds right into a wonderland, a riot of flavors with a lingering after-flavor.

Tamarind is basically a tree of a large size that has thick foliage, and heavy drooping branches that dish out curved fruit pods in generous numbers throughout all its branches. The pods are enclosed in tough outer shells, hence, shielding the scrumptious, effective deep brown smooth pulp inner, draped round darkish brown seeds.

Wait, it has more in save.

It’s been famous when you consider that historical times for its huge and impactful medicinal price. It’s miles perceived to fast alleviate belly pain, issues with digestion, for fevers, sore throat, rheumatism, irritation, or maybe sunstroke. People were using it in various bureaucracy – A few use it dried, Some boil tamarind leaves and plants to deal with swollen joints, sprains, boils, hemorrhoids, and conjunctivitis and A few make it right into a concoction.

Its fitness repertoire comes from the presence of many factors interior. First of all, It’s far surprisingly wealthy in tartaric acid that other than endowing this pulp with a signature sour flavor additionally works as a powerful antioxidant and protects the human body from dangerous unfastened radicals.

Tamarind fruit is brimming with vital risky chemical substances, minerals, nutrients and dietary fiber at the same time as its sticky pulp gives a ready torrent of non-starch polysaccharides (NSP), gums, hemicelluloses, mucilage, pectin, and tannins. Besides, assisting with bowel movements, this size also empowers it to fight toxins inside the food and guard the colon mucous membrane from cancer-inducing chemical substances.

And Some Doctor health warning happy information to your belly.

The fiber also binds to bile salts to manipulate their re-absorption within the colon; to make sure LDL cholesterol levels are stored low inside the frame. There may be an outstanding amount of great thiamin, iron, magnesium and phosphorus in addition to niacin, calcium, nutrition C, copper, and pyridoxine which add to the nutrients quotient of this scrumptious food. The sort of natural gums and pectins in addition to non-starch polysaccharides, take its dietary fiber content a notch better and allows bind with the bile to help flush waste via the colon.

The presence of phytochemicals limonene, geraniol, safrole, natural oils, cinnamic acid, methyl salicylate, pyrazine, and alkyl­thiazoles upload to the flavor and recovery powers of this pod. nutrients, specially vitamin-A, folic acid, riboflavin, niacin, and diet-C help as critical antioxidants and for co-aspect functions for enzyme metabolism in a prime manner.

Organic Tamarind is a great option to choose here because processed tamarind merchandise no longer only have too many additives, however, additionally they dilute the dietary profile of this in any other case powerful fitness choice. In truth, It’s far used to clear the pollution weighted down on the floor of greens and culmination, virtually via dipping them in tamarind water.

With an Organic desire, you not only experience the good and proper taste of tamarind however also absorb minerals like copper, potassium, calcium, iron, selenium, zinc and magnesium of their proper shape.

So, revel in this yummy pod of energy, health, and nutrition in a guilt-unfastened manner. There aren’t many meals gadgets that allow your palate and frame lick happiness together, but tamarind is an exception for positive.