#anxiety...high today idk why

[semiotomatics]

i have a ~dream question~

[britneyshakespeare]

why does scheduling my work days give me so much stress and anxiety

[timeandspacelord]

Once again thinking about some of the absolute horseshit my mother said to me a year and a half ago that honestly just solidified in my mind that she will never be able to understand me

[redwineandtarot]

Who is your future spouse?

hi! today's pac is about your fs. these are general messages about them. take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. i would love to hear your feedbacks <3

decks used: ethereal visions illuminated tarot deck, the spirit animal oracle deck, moonology oracle cards, the soul's journey lesson cards

note: i am not talking about gender when i say feminine or masculine energies. masculine and feminine energies are just energies. anyone can have feminine or masculine energies regardless of their gender.

🥀paid readings🥀

Disclaimer:My readings do NOT replace any professional advice. Use your own judgment while making decisions. You have your own free will. Take everything I say light-heartedly. All of my readings are for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES.

pick a pile

pile 1-2-3

i do not own these pictures

pile 1

I see that your fs is someone ambitious and ready to fight for what they believe in. They have high hopes for themselves. They can sometimes be a bit too argumentative but mostly I am seeing this as defending what they hold near their fire (i was gonna say heart but i felt like saying fire). They can even fight their closest ones to defend their beliefs. They’ve got a lot of passion. They can see the beauty in things. They mostly have a masculine energy.

I see that while they are mostly in their masculine energy, they still can bring out their feminine energy and be very nurturing. They also have their gentle side inside them. Especially towards the people and things they love. They may have big eyes or very prominent eyes in some way. They may have experienced a big event while they were 18 that still affects them in some way.

They have a lot of gratitude for the things they have achieved so far. They have this balanced energy: while they have this fiery spirit, they can remain calm in situations that they need to stay calm. Again they see the beauty in things and are grateful for having the life they have. They are more on the optimistic side. 

from their higher self to you

Pile 1, are you more of a pessimistic person? Your fs is saying you need to release this pessimistic way of looking at life. Lol they are now saying it's okay if you don't, when they meet you they will help look on the bright side of things. But if you start now it’s mostly for your benefit, they say.

random things: clean and chic, suits

10th house, cancer, mercury

songs: charmer - stray kids (they are a charmer for sure lol), good thing - zedd, kehlani

pile 2

Pile 2, while i was shuffling the cards were going crazy! They may be in a chaotic situation right now. Like having a tower moment in some sort of.

They are on their head a lot. They worry a lot. Maybe it’s just their energy right now and not in general but I am seeing them, like, scattered(?). Like I said, even getting cards for them was hard and it was just chaotic. They have a stubborn energy. They are a go-getter. They are slow at making decisions but once they do it's hard for people to make them turn back. Even when it's better for them to turn back. They are a logical person for sure. And this can be for their detriment sometimes. They may suffer from some kind of mental illness, especially anxiety.

They are curious and independent.  Like they are so careful(?)  about their independence. This might make them seem like they are “not-available” to people. They probably had to learn to be this way in their childhood. They have a cold demeanor but inside they want to open their heart for that special someone. Please be loving to them pile 2, they are a softie inside. You might help them learn to appreciate their long lost softer side.

They might feel lonely even though they have lots of people that love them. I also see that they have an international friend group. Idk if they are always like this but especially right now they feel lonely. They are going through some tough things so probably that's why their energy is also showing up like this. Like they have lost themselves? They try to stand up again pile 2 and sure they will.

They've got a lot to say but feel like they can't share it with anyone. Like they didn't want me to go and tried to keep me with them.

from their higher self to you

It was again hard to get a card. I guess they didn't want you to see them at their worst. 

Their message for you is… Pile 2 they are so sweet, they are encouraging you to go after your dreams. They are like “I am in this way but l don't want this to affect pile 2, they are meant to shine”. They see you as their moon and want you to be confident in your dreams, they believe in you <3

dark aesthetic, dark hair, ginger hair

8th house, scorpio, venus

songs: into it - chase atlantic, i’ll dream of you again - harry connick, jr.

pile 3

Similar to pile 2’s fs, they are going through something right now. But their energy is a lot lighter? Like they have spilled some cups but they have gotten over it. They are already restarting and thinking about what comes next. I think in general they are like this: they overcome hardships fastly. Like they grieve over it, they let them feel their emotions and then they start to look at what's ahead again. It’s random but they may have a powerful(?) family in some sort of way. The scale would be different for everyone but it might be money, respect etc. I also see that they have balanced feminine-masculine energies.

They are attractive physically. Like a lot. When they enter a room, all eyes are on them. They might also have leo placements. But they know their worth. That’s probably why they overcome hardships so fast. And that’s also the reason why they are so determined. Their heart is open, they are emotionally intelligent. And they might have strong intuition in some sort of way.

People envy them a lot. They seem like they have everything together? Like their family is powerful, they know their worth etc. People might gossip about them a lot. So be careful pile 3, there may be false rumors about them. People might think they may have had it easy but it is not true. They also have had their hardships. They appreciate different cultures and different points of views.

from their higher self to you

“You are good enough like the way you are. While change is good, love, you must appreciate the way you are right now.” “I find you physically and emotionally so attractive. You are beautiful my love.” “Don’t hide yourself from me.” They admire your energy a lot, pile 3! They insist on saying that they appreciate you the way you are.

6th house, sagittarius, venus

songs: stand still - sabrina claudio, i wanna be yours - arctic monkeys

[ieatstarsforaliving]

The Origin (1)

Summary: How you and Hazel and the fight club started. Also Hazel's Spider-Woman. But you don't know that.

Pairing: Spider-Woman!Hazel Callahan x Classmate!Reader

Warnings: Mature language, use of (Y/N), mentions of bruises and cuts, Idk what else

Word Count: 1508

Note: It's literally my first post. It may suck. I don't care. I don't get paid for this. I hope you do enjoy though, cause there's not enough Spider-Woman Hazel Callahan fics out here. Love yall - Bia <3

“You got paired up with (Y/N) for the ‘women murdered in history’ project?” 

Hazel nodded at Josie’s question. She had just left Mr. G’s class with PJ and Josie where he had introduced a new project to create a diorama based on a famous woman who was murdered. The partners were chosen by random, and to Hazel’s horror, she was paired up with you. 

Who just happened to be Hazel’s crush for 4. fucking. years.

Hazel had many moments of crises in her 18 years of life, which included getting bitten by a radioactive spider during sophomore year at a school field trip to the science fair, getting caught by Josie and PJ’s spider-trap (Where PJ wanted to catch Spider-Woman for her youtube channel with a net, and she actually managed to?) and Hazel had to reveal her secret identity, and her mother’s recent divorce with her minor-fucking, emotionally unavailable father. 

But none of them made Hazel as frantic as being paired with you for a school project. 

“Thats fucking amazing,” PJ said in jealousy. “How come that never happens with me and Brittany? I got paired up with that one emo kid who probably wants to blow up the school.” 

Hazel groaned, leaning her head against her locker. She was already tired from last night’s fight with a local bank robbery, which led to her face scratched and bandaged up today. She couldn’t stop thinking about how she was going to impress you. 

“Okay, well, you don’t look very happy considering you’re like, obsessed with her,” Josie commented. She was well used to Hazel’s constant remarks about how pretty you looked during class or how you made eye contact with her for 2 seconds. 

“I’m fucked. I just get so nervous around her,” Hazel replied, anxiety seeping out from her voice. “I have never really had a conversation with her other than, ‘hello’. If I can’t even talk to her properly, how am I going to do a whole project with her?” 

PJ rolled her eyes. “Hazel, why are you so worried? You literally swing down tall ass buildings and beat up tall ass criminals, and you can’t even talk to a girl that you like? Didn’t your spider powers give you like, enhanced everything?” 

“I’m pretty sure the whole point of Hazel’s secret identity is for you to not talk about it out in the open, PJ.” 

“I’m just saying, if I saved the neighborhood every night wearing a red and blue spandex lady gaga suit, I’d be getting so much puss right now.” 

The two continued to bicker as Hazel sighed. PJ was right. It was just a project. It wasn’t a big deal, it was only for a week, and she was certain you were straight anyways. All she had to do was just man up and talk to—

“Hazel?” 

Hazel jumped, turning around from her locker to see you standing with an alluring smile on your face. You wanted to talk to your project partner before the start of next class, who seemed to be very stunned at the sight of you. She looked like a puppy, with her widened blue eyes and her tousled brown hair. 

Hazel blinked rapidly and clutched her notebook, barely managing to reply with a small, “Hi.” 

“I don’t know if you remember me. I’m (Y/N),” You introduced yourself, starting to offer your hand but retracting immediately because you realized that you’re a high schooler and that it’s probably lame to shake hands in this day and age. “I’m partnered up with you for Mr. G’s class—” 

“-Yeah, I know who you are. (Y/N),” Hazel said, almost too quickly, causing her friends to hold in their laughter. “Mr. G’s project. Yeah– I can work on it. All of it, if you want.” 

“No, of course not, we can work on it together,” You laughed, before recognizing all the injuries on Hazel’s face. “By the way, you’re pretty bruised up. Are you okay?” 

Hazel instantly touched her bandages, feeling a bit embarrassed at her state. 

“’m fine. I just fell.” 

You frowned, staring intensely at Hazel’s face. “I don’t think you can get these cuts from falling.” 

“Well, some of them are from falling and some of them aren’t...” Hazel trailed off as you came closer, your face filled with genuine worry. You knew Hazel wasn't exactly popular, but you didn’t know she was bullied. Hazel slowly backed away, her heart beating out of her chest as her back made contact with her locker. 

Hazel's Face started to burn up, turning to Josie for help. Josie stuttered, “This is nothing, she just– she’s part of this— this club, and—”

“A club? What kind of club fucks up her face like this?” You interrupted, your hands reaching out and brushing Hazel’s bangs out of the way, carefully examining the bandages. “Is it like a fight club?” 

“Yes!” 

“No–” 

“-More like a women’s self defense club?”

You looked at the three girls who’ve provided different answers all at the same time.

PJ spoke up first. 

“Yes, we absolutely do have this club where girls fucking beat each other up and shit for… feminism. So that we can teach girls how to protect themselves from the evil male football players.” 

“You know how to fight?” You asked, staring at PJ who barely had any muscles.

“Yes. Because, We… went… to… juvie over the summer.” 

You blinked.

“...There’s also a serious lack of female solidarity in this school,” Hazel stiffly added. 

“Right. Okay, that’s fine, I guess,” You accepted. “Could I join?” 

“Yes. Absolutely!” PJ exclaimed, her face lighting up immediately. “You could bring your friends too. You know. Specifically your cheerleader friends. Specifically Brittany and Isabel.” 

Before you could question why specifically Brittany and Isabel, the bell rang to inform the students for the start of next class. 

“Okay, here—” You took the notebook Hazel was holding and quickly scribbled your number on one of the pages. “Message me so we can talk about the project. And the club. Is that okay?” 

You handed the notebook back as Hazel nodded, in denial that you just gave her your fucking phone number. You waved before running off to your next class, feeling happy that you had made a new friend. (haha friend…)

Meanwhile, Josie was losing her mind. 

“PJ, what the fuck are you doing?” 

“This is absolutely perfect!” 

“No, it’s not, PJ— we don’t have a feminist women’s self-defense fight club. You also don’t care about feminism. Your favorite movie is Entourage.” 

“Okay, first of all, shut up, and second, we can just make the club now, obviously. Come on– I just created the perfect opportunity for all of us to talk to Brittany, Isabel, and (Y/N)!” 

“Hazel, please tell PJ that she’s insane,” Josie turned to Hazel. 

Hazel grinned and said; 

“She gave me her number.” 

Josie groaned. “Congratulations! But we have a bigger problem now. We don’t know how to defend ourselves!” 

“Self-defense is common sense. You try to punch me in the face. I stop it from happening. Whatever, I don’t care, it’s easy,” PJ shrugged, holding a MMA fighter stance and started throwing air punches. 

“Yeah, maybe for Hazel, who literally has the… spider tingles? Hazel tingles?”

“Please do not start calling it Hazel tingles.” 

“And let’s not forget, you literally have superhuman strength,” Josie cautioned. “If we do this— very big if, we just run the biggest risk of exposing you and your spider identity. One wrong punch and you’ll send a girl to the hospital.”  

PJ turned to Hazel and grabbed her by the shoulders. 

“Hazel, listen to me. We teach a bunch of girls how to defend themselves against the evil high school fuckboys. They are grateful to us. Adrenaline is flowing— next thing you know, Isabel, Brittany, and (Y/N) are kissing us on the mouths!” 

Hazel paused. “I don’t know. Like Josie said, it’s a huge risk. The last thing I’d want to do is put (Y/N) in danger.”

A sardonic smile played on PJ’s lips. She tapped on Hazel’s notebook.

“Hazel, she gave you her number.”

Hazel stood, her mind racing once again. PJ’s idea of starting a self-defense club was dangerous, she knew that. She would be gaining attention all while showing off her fighting skills, which is what she had been hiding for years. Josie’s warning echoed in her mind. But then she remembered the way you had looked at her, with darling concern in your eyes when you asked about her injuries. She hadn’t had anyone worry for her like that in a while. 

Hazel took a deep breath.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Josie cried.

“She said okay! It's an okay! We’re doing this!” PJ screamed, grabbing Hazel’s hand and pulling her towards the school’s office to create the club. “We’re going to lose our virginities this year! This is the year!”

“Okay, but who’s going to be crazy enough to even advise this club?” Josie yelled after them, but the two were long gone.

Next Chapter: The Fucking Fight Club

[hoeforalbedo]

Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High?

WARNING: Weed, Sex, female anatomy, Hongjoong’s a dick, Nurse reader (it’s relevant but not really), rockstar Hongjoong, praise, degrade, choking, angst.

Idk if I forgot any. I, in fact, cannot write while high.

Note: You guys can have this since I’m postponing chapter 2 for Deal with the Devil since I’m going on a whole week long vacation so yeah.

———————————————————————

You fell in love with the rockstar. Have you ever met him outside of that? You don’t know. At first he was nice guy, full of mystery and spontaneous rides on his bike late at night.

You were were the rockstar’s girlfriend. Not Hongjoong’s. When the rockstar isn’t speaking, he’s in his studio, writing away and getting high. He would say the weed boosts his creative spirits. You get that. Sometimes just a bit is enough to let loose for the night. You have alcohol for that though. It’s a better alternative for a nurse.

Eventually, getting high just wasn’t it anymore. Being the rockstar’s girlfriend isn’t enough anymore. When you’re free and wanted Hongjoong, all you get is a simple, “I’m busy.” However, when you’re busy, rushing around the ER, trying to save people’s lives, he expects you to be at his beck and call to suck dick.

You can’t do it anymore.

“Fuck!” You groan, throwing your head back onto the cushion of the couch. Your phone is going off with the familiar contact name. You’re tired, especially after your shift. Despite leaving him on voice mail for the third time, he’s still spamming you with calls. “What?” You sigh, finally answering the call.

“Babe, I miss you please, come here. I need you,” You hear the low rumble of his voice. You could assume he’s high. He only calls when he’s high.

“I’m tired.”

“I’ll come to you,” He says and you can hear shuffling. You assume he’s getting up.

“Fine, I’ll go,” You sigh in defeat. You don’t want him to be another patient in the ER because of his stupidity. You’re going to break it off. This is going to be the last time.

“I love you,” He hums and a soft giggle comes out of him.

You don’t answer him but he doesn’t make a fuss, reveling in the soft warm buzz that wraps around him like a blanket.

The drive filled you with anxiety, the pit in your stomach growing deeper. You have to break it off. You don’t want it anymore. You don’t want to be the rockstar’s girlfriend. The girlfriend who looks pretty on the side while he strums that guitar of his on stage.

When you open the door of his apartment, you’re greeted by a slight whiff of weed. You’ve grown desensitized to it, and you hate to admit that you crave that high just a little bit. You’re not gonna risk it. You’re not a stupid college student anymore. You have a job and you can get in trouble.

“Babe I missed you so much,” Hongjoong immediately attacked your lips, not even giving you the time to close the door.

“Joong,” you scowl.

“Please just give me this,” He whines and what can you do? He just looks so sexy like this.

“Give me a second. Get on the couch,” You order, finally closing the door behind you and taking your shoes off.

“Oh, we’re bossy today huh?” He smirks, letting a soft chuckle.

“Joong,” You warn.

He laughs, stumbling to the living room a little too hurriedly. “Yes ma’am!” He giggles as he quickly tosses his shirt to the side and lay down on the couch.

You follow behind him, dread pouring over you. This is why you can’t just go. Everything about him sends heat straight to your cunt. Hongjoong is addicting, his kiss, his touch, his voice-

“Babe!” He whines, pulling you over him. “You’re so cute when you’re so serious,” He smiles, seeing you through rose tinted glasses. He refuses to realize how tense you are or how at first you tried to move away. You look like a dream. “Are you real?” He whispers.

“Very. I’ve been real,” You answer, voice breaking. Does he only remember you when the weed is talking?

“Prove it,” He looks at you through glassy eyes. “I wanna feel you.”

“Fuck,” you close your eyes, trying to make sense of what you’re gonna do. “Okay.” You pull him by his silver chained necklace, kissing him and telling yourself this is the last time. You left small essence of you through the small marks on his neck and chest. Maybe if he sees them in the mirror, he’ll call you. You always tell yourself that. Maybe one day he’ll regret neglecting you.

“Yeah there,” He gasps, closing his eyes and feeling nothing but your touch. He’s thinking of nothing else. When he’s high, everything is so quiet, a break from his muddled thoughts that are far too loud for its own good.

You look up at him as you trace his v-line. His hair sticks to his forehead, his brows furrowed, and his lips slightly hung open.

Finally, you pulled the band of his sweat pants down. A soft sigh falls from him when his dick makes contact with the cold air.

“Fuck I’m so hard,” He chuckles. “All for you baby. Just for you.”

“Yeah? Just for me?” You ask, taking his length in your hand, giving a small fist.

“Fuck-“ He nods, his hips bucking up. “All yours, please,” He begs. “Let me feel your mouth baby.”

You lick the underside of his cock, tracing up to his tip. “Like this?” You ask, engulfing your mouth around the head of dick.

“Yes yes please,” He gasps heavily, grabbing the back of your head and pushing you down until his tip is snugly pressing against the back of your throat. He doesn’t care that you’re choking or the way your tears prick the corner your eyes.

Pleasure is all he can feel. It’s so good. It’s all so warm and wet around his cock.

Your gags fall on deaf ears as he thrusts into your mouth. He’s greedy. The high of the weed isn’t enough. He needs his orgasm. He needs to cum in your mouth, the knot in his lower stomach just begging to burst.

“I’m so close, so close!” He cries, pulling your hair, sending a slight pain through your scalp.

You moan, digging your nails into his thighs as he pushes your head down his shaft until your nose is brushing against the small trail of hair. He spurts all his hot cum down your throat, and just like he trained you, you swallow all of it.

After he lifts your mouth off his dick like you’re some fleshlight, he looks down at you with a mischievous smile. Some of his cum dribbled down the side of your lips and he made sure salvage all of it. He parts your lips and presses his thumb against your tongue. “Can’t have you wasting all of my cum, can I?” He hums, feeling even more floaty than he was before. Your tongue swirls around his thumb, eyes unwavering from his gaze.

Why were you here again?

“Let me feel your pussy. I need it baby,” He ushers you impatiently, leaving your mouth empty and trying to undo your pants. You hadn’t even bothered to change out of your scrubs and you should be feeling disgusting but right now you could care less.

The both of you hurriedly took all your clothes off. He sits up and helps you on his lap. Once settled, you take his dick, rubbing the tip against your soaked cunt, using your slick as lube.

“Baby please,” Hongjoong scowls, squeezing the side of your hips.

“Do you need my pussy that bad? So bad that you desperately call for me?” You spat, finally remembering that your purpose was to break up with him.

“Babe,” He whines.

“Look at you so pathetic. Always begging for my pussy the moment the weed hits you. Do you deserve it? Do you even think of me when you’re sober?” You continue, berating him as you keep just the tip of his cock in your hole, not sinking down further. Sex is his version of the munchies.

“You have no idea. You have no idea how pussy drunk I am. Can’t even write a damn song because all I can think about is your perfect cunt,” He growls as he forcefully pushes you down on his cock, earning a sharp gasp from you.

“Shit, so big,” You whimper.

“Yeah?” He snickers. “And you were acting like you didn’t want to take my whole dick,” He mocks you as he rocks his hips up, the head of his cock brushing against your cervix.

“Joong you’re so deep,” You whine, burying your face into the crook of your neck.

“Fuck it’s like a rollercoaster,” He chuckles to himself, his body feeling light as he continues to grind his hips.

“Joong,” You tremble, squirming on his lap.

“Fuck, I need more,” He whispers, shifting your positions so that you’re laid on the couch with him on top of you, his necklace hanging over your face. Hongjoong pushes your leg over the headrest of the sofa.

“Better,” He smirks. He drawls his cock back completely before thrusting his whole length back in.

“Joong!” You scream, your hips trying to arch away but his grip keeps you steady.

He rolls his hips rhythmically, fit for a musician. His thrusts are precise, knocking the air out of you and causing you to babble incoherent words. “Joong please,” You whimper, running your hands through your hair as you close your eyes to revel in the pleasure.

“No look at me. I need you to look at me babe,” He grunts, wrapping his fingers around your neck, the cold metal of his rings causing a prickly sensation on your skin.

You force your eyes open, looking at him through hooded eyes.

“Fuck, that’s a good girl,” He groans, his other hand making its way to your breasts. He rolls your nipple in his fingers, earning a cry from you.

You squeeze the wrist of the hand around your neck, feeling his grip tighten just enough to restrict blood flow. Your mouth hangs loosely open as he looks at you in amusement, no longer interested in playing with your nipples. Instead, his hand busies itself somewhere else.

Your cunt squeezes him nicely, it’s a miracle he hasn’t come yet. He’s trying so hard to stop himself. He wants to play just a little longer.

“Oh fuck- Joong! Shit!” You cry, letting out garbled moans as he presses his thumb against your clit.

“You gonna cum? Cum around my cock babe. Let me feel it,” He ushers, rubbing circles on your bud, partnered with his precise rolls of his hips.

Tears ran down your face from pleasure as your hips try to squirm away with no avail. The lack of air gives you a natural high causing your orgasm to hit you in huge waves. Your pussy convulses around his length, sucking him in deeper, milking him to fill you up to the brim. And he does. With a groan, he fills you up with his thick cum. Some of it leaks out but he’s quick to push it back in. His cum should never be wasted.

You both lay there, reveling in the afterglow of sex. By this point, Hongjoong is too blissed out and he ends up snuggling into you while you lay there to look at the ceiling and question your intentions. Soon after, you fall asleep while questions and thoughts run through your head.

——————————————————————

A loud shuffling noise awakens you, forcing you to sit up and look at whatever is going on. It’s Hongjoong stressing about where he put his music sheets. “What’s going on?” You ask in confusion, disregarding the fact that you’re still naked.

“Gotta go. I need to head to the studio. You can stay if you want,” He absentmindedly answer, finally finding what he needs and walking out the door before you can even say something. He didn’t even say bye.

“Fuck,” You sigh, your initial plan was screwed from the start. What to do now? Your eyes landed on his cart that he left on the coffee table, not that it mattered since he has multiple anyways. “Just this once,” You say as you take one hit, just enough to give you the small dose of high. You close your eyes, waiting for the weed to hit. After this. You mean it this time. After this, you’ll break it off for good.

[decodedlvr]

the band-aid to my wounds

Older!Eddie Munson x naive!Fem reader - eventual twins Steve Harrington x reader x Kurt Kunckle series| pt 1 | pt 2 | pt 3 … TBC

Summary: After stumbling into an old barn after being stranded by your freshly new ex boyfriend, you wake up strangely in a room..that isn't yours..

warnings: talks of cheating, abuse, angst, slight stockholm syndrome at a glance, anxiety, childhood trauma, parent problems; daddy issues, eventual smut, cursing, drinking, smoking, perviness, slight dub-con, miscommunications, blood mention

word count: idk? 1k?

June 12th, 1988 the roads were closed off.

I have no idea why im still together with this asshole, why am i so stupid? oh because id do anything for people to love and not leave me. Looking at him now..hands beating the steering wheel, veins popping through his temples..not to mention his breath. Ashton my oh so loving, narcissist, no good boyfriend. We've been together for 6 years, basically high school sweethearts. Went from flirty glaces, to lab partners, to collage students with an alcohol addiction. Mainly his addiction...he got me started on it.

Ashton basically took me in with his fatherly like protectiveness when we first got together. He was walking me to my front door after a bowling date he asked me out to my sophomore year, of course i said yes.; until the front door opened. Uh oh, dads home; Bill. The moment the door opened i watched my father tackle Ashton to the ground without so much as a reason screaming words like "get off my property, boys like you should be dead in a gutter, ill kill you"...

Lets just say that date night was a bit too eventful for my liking.

My dad always had a problem with Ashton because he went to highschool with his father. Ashtons dad was a bully back in the day, made my dads life a living hell.. took everything away from him. the girl, the looks, the job..

Dave, Ashtons father, was caught making out with Shannon, my dads ex lover but also first love. Dave knew he had the upper hand when it came to getting the things he wanted. Hell, Shannon seduced him into it. Shannon was only with my dad for the money. Got knocked up but gave him the baby and ran away to be with his dad. As you can see I am that baby now today.

I made a promise to Ashton after sneaking him to my bedroom window that same night cleaning his wounds; that it was me and him against the world. He knew about me and my parents relationship. How my step-mother only has good things to say about me in a room full of people, but how she degrades me behind closed doors. How my dads drinking problem gave him alcohol poisoning, twice' and about his anger problems. You'd think being in a household that is always loud would help you shape up to loud sounds in the future. Boy was that theory proven wrong.

anytime someone yells or raises their tone, you're immediately in fight or flight response. tense..anxious. You hate going to basketball games just for that reason. Its uncomfortable.. and he knew that, but apparently in this moment, he didn't give a fuck-

"Did you hear me??" Ashton says impatiently. "No im sorry, i cant hear when you mumble.." you reply

you also hated when people uttered things under their breath.

dad does that shit.

"Don't be smart with me y/n, ill leave you right here,right now in the middle of the fucking road

"Yeah whatever Ashton, just stop talking to me and drive" feeling the breaks pull forward and in a flash he was out of the drivers seat, and already pulling you out of the passenger-

"WHAT THE FUCK" i yell- what the fuck are you doing Ashton?”

“Shut up!” he smacks me. Your eyes widen in more shock than fear over anything. “Did you j-just hit me?” i ask with a scratched voice--

“I told you more than once not to back talk me didnt i?”

“i didn’t.. it was once and i stopped ashton”-

-“You’ve done it all goddamn night, accusing me of cheating, clinging onto me when i ran into Tommy, i told you to give me some fucking space --i interrupt him.

“YOU did cheat on me you asshole!! That bitch was fucking bragging about it in the bathroom”—

“Do you really think after what 4 years-“6 actually“ i say pissing him off further. he looks at you angrily

He sighs. “Do you really think after years of being together, i would do that to you?” he say looking down at the ground sadly; making you instatly regret your words

“..no-no of course not i just thou”-

-“You thought wrong! he snaps-I would never do that to you baby..y/n?” he says letting go of the grip on my arms, caressing my cheek-“..I know you get a little confused sometimes, its okay come here” he says pulling you into a deep hug

“..im sorry ash”-

“shh” he coos.

“I really thought—what the fuck is that?” you shove him away

“Y-you piece of shit!!” you pull around back collar piece of his shirt up to his face; showing him the peach colored lipstick stain

“Are you fucking serious Ashton?” his eyes widen and stomach drops when he sees the prominent evidence of his past events—

“B-baby look-“

“No! fuck you were done!”

He grabs me closer, “No we fucking arent- ive gave you everything! he starts shouting making you flinch

P-please stop yelling at me! you plea tears rolling down your face

“Just—here” he opens the car door “just get back in and ill explain on the way”—

“No.” you shove past him running and crying

“Y/N come back here!. its too dark—

“ i dont care leave me alone!”

“Y/n theres crazy people out here..!”

you stop in your tracks, turning back to say- “You’re the crazy person!”

he laughs. “Oh im crazy? Ill show you fuckin crazy”—he says marching over to the drivers side of the car starting it back up—mumbling ill show you a fucking crazy person babe—and he spees off

you cant believe he actually just left you.. standing here.

“ASSHOLE!” you shout regulardess if hes still there or not, turning back around to walk down the cold empty road

are you fuckig kidding me?

wow he fooled me

how didnt i see this before

did he love me?

he says he does

then why did he leave me..

fucking jerk!!

The long 7 mile walk with a head full of shitty thoughts walk you to a sun burnt orange barn.

you're exhausted. your hearts broken. your feet hurt. its too dark to keep walking

"I mean i could crash here right?" you say already walking towards the musky building

hay bells, chickens, tools. looks already owned

you dont care you just need a place to rest you head for a bit.

stinks in here. muttering to yourself, opening and shutting the barn door behind you.

perfect you say spotting an old rocking chair..and yard sale signs?

does somebody live here?

you're too exhausted to think any more tonight

this'll do. taking your jacket off to use as a prop pillow, climbing into the chair almost immediately drifting off.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

whats that smell? smells like bacon?

bacon? your eyes are still shut but you can sense a different environment around you. Fluttering your eyes open.. a clock? pictures? what?-jumping up at the sound of a shoe

"WHO ARE YOU?" your already in flight or fight mode

"Whoa whoa its okay, im the owner of the barn i found you in”.

is he lying?

"YOU'RE LYING!" you look around in a panic

"Sweetheart if i was lying, how come i specifically found you in my rocking chair, you must of been tired, i got my buddy who also runs the farm to scoop you up and bring you to our guest bedroom, couldn't just leave a woman out in the open like that.. especially at night"

your stomach knots when he calls you sweetheart.

okay maybe he harmless, just very kindly harmless?

"Here" he throws his arm out, "I'm Eddie, Eddie Munson."

- - is this interesting so far? lmk- -

reblogs appreciated:>

[ummmlife]

realistic nanami's d analysis

warnings! ; nsfw (kinda) , headcanons (obviously) ; educational 🤓☝️

as a nanamin simp i've been reading and hearing about nanami's 9 inches manhood all over the internet and, honestly?, that doesn't sound accurate to me

something that happens to people who like nanami a lot is that they portrait him like a white man and, consciously or unconsciously, i feel that the 9 inch thing has been motivated by that current of thoughts

that's why i've decided to make a long research about the male genitalia comparing the average sizes all over the world, asia and finally, japan

of course, i did not give him a micro penis, but please don't expect the king cobra between this man's legs

i stress again the fact that this is my opinion and if you don't agree... well, there's not much i can do about it :)

context ;

for us humans, diversity comes in different styles of things, perhaps no topic elicits as much curiosity, speculation, and even anxiety as the dimensions of the male reproductive organ: the penis. from ancient myths to contemporary media portrayals, societal fascination with penile size permeates cultural narratives worldwide. however, amidst the myriad myths and misconceptions lies a scientific inquiry into the fascinating variations of penile size across different populations and ethnicities.

so, repeat after me: not every hot man has a 9 inches long d– / jk

in a comprehensive analysis conducted in 2020, researchers examined studies on penis size and determined that the typical length of an erect penis ranges from approximately 12.9 cm( 5.1 inches) to 13.9 cm (5.5 inches.) They suggested that the actual average tends to lean towards the lower end of this spectrum. (King, 2020)¹.

Another study indicated that the length for a flaccid penis was 9.16 cm (3.61 inches). (Veale et al., 2015)².

and that is what i��m basing my analysis (headcanons) on.

let's take a look on this chart (of dubious origin):

in this one we can see and compare the different sizes of the male reproductive system in different countries. if we look at it, japan has an average of 13.56 cm (5.3 inches).

investigating more in detail the male population, i managed to find that the average penis size in japan is about: 13.56 centimeters (5.33 inches), with a diameter of 3.53 cm (1.39 inches) at the head and 3.19 cm (1.25 inches) at the shaft when it's erect. (日本人の平均ペニスサイズが明らかに! | TENGA FITTING(テンガフィッティング), n.d.)³

knowing all of this, let's get into the heart of the matter that concerns us today.

his size ;

i'm using using this essay for a reference (since my humble self does not own a peewee) (男性器の大きさについて|大東製薬工業株式会社, n.d.)⁴.

to keep it simple:

erected :

length; 13.73 cm (5.4 inches) ~ 15.37 cm (6 inches)

girth; 11.73 cm (4.6 inches) ~ 12.73 cm (5 inches)

flaccid :

length; 9.73 cm (3.8 inches)

girth; 9.37 cm (3.6 inches)

the shape ;

i imagine it with a base a bit wider than the head (it gives fat dick ohohoho) and slightly curved up, the foreskin is still there and the skin is more pigmented there (#967a68). i can imagine a notorious vein coming from the base to the tip from below. his glans is paler than the shaft (#aa8483) and when it gets stimulated it turns into a #c96c60 shade.

nuts! ;

how do i say this?

they look heavy, somehow. also notoriously asymmetrical, the left one hangs lower.

is the carpet matching the curtains? ;

no, and this is my personal headcanon since I like the idea of ​​kento bleaching his hair since high school, from dark brown to his blonde tone he all see now. but if you don't think the same, it's alright, it doesn't affect anything.

he's hairy, everywhere, yes i'm also talking about his butthole!!

but he like to keep the hair trimmed and nice, not a crazy jungle of hair, since he also like to keep his face clean. it is a routine procedure that he does once every one or two months, always using an electric shaver.

so if you plan to give him head (or eat his ass, idk and idc), please expect to feel his pubic hair tickling your nose

+ his buns ;

his glorious glutes are made of 90% pure muscle, it also look squared shaped.

amazing, wow.

sources ↓

anyway, you don't have to take everything i wrote literally or personally, nanami is a fictional character and it doesn't really matter what his penis should or could look like. if you imagine him differently, great, i do too lol, my brain is never going to imagine him with some exact measurements or shape

hope you enjoyed my little essay on nanaken's penis :) it's the first time in my life that i talk so much about cocks lol

bibliography ;

1. King, B. M. (2020). Average-Size Erect Penis: Fiction, Fact, and the need for Counseling. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 47(1), 80–89. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623x.2020.1787279

2. Veale, D., Miles, S., Bramley, S., Muir, G., & Hodsoll, J. (2015). Am I normal? A systematic review and construction of nomograms for flaccid and erect penis length and circumference in up to 15 521 men. BJU International, 115(6), 978–986. https://doi.org/10.1111/bju.13010

3. 日本人の平均ペニスサイズが明らかに! | TENGA FITTING(テンガフィッティング). (n.d.). 日本人の平均ペニスサイズが明らかに！ | TENGA FITTING（テンガフィッティング）. https://www.tenga.co.jp/special/fitting2012/

4. 男性器の大きさについて|大東製薬工業株式会社. (n.d.). Copyright (C) 2015 更年期障害・勃起不全・早漏のOTC医薬品は大東製薬工 All Rights Reserved. https://daito-p.co.jp/essay/penil_size.html

[togethernow]

Get ready for an extra special edition of Headcannons!

Anyways RHYTHM HEAVEN PRIDE HEADCANONS YIPPEE!!!!

They're in no particular order btw

ANYWAYS HERE WE GO

The Paddlers and the Cosmic Paddlers (and I guess the space and cosmic dancers too) are agender!

Yeah their whole general species is agender. They also reproduce asexually (as in paddler babies just pop up out of nowhere)

Oh yeah... on the topic of people from space...

Cosmic girl is trans! (A trans girl to be more specific)

DJ Yellow and DJ Blue are both gay

And dating!

Aheehee they're so so so SO cute

I think DJ Blue always had a crush on Yellow, and since Yellow is always was a physical affection sort of guy even towards friends, Blue always felt super flustered Yellow would hug him or something.

For Yellow, it took a while, but I think he fell in love with Blue after about 2-3 years.

Student Rocker/Deshi/Cecil/whatever you call them is non binary!

They go by they/them

JJ's demi aroace!

He's pretty standoffish and I feel like if he did fall in love with someone, he would still act all cold and distant. (There will be signs though!)

hehehehe flustered JJ...

Wandering Samurai's aroace!

Literally cause while they were out dating n stuff he was here studying the blade

Also I thought it would be funny cause a bunch of ladies like him

I mean he's still flustered cause you would be too if a lady just up and lunged at you, right?

He's more interested in keeping the peace instead of saving the damsels though

UN UN UN UN UN UN UN UN UN UN-

And it's allllll you guy's fault TwT/hj

They are the epitome of banger date idea: fight another couple

Adore is pan!

Heh heh fun fact she actually has a pretty big crush on Assistant (you guys didn't hear that from me btw)

Oh yeah, speaking of Assistant...

She likes girls :3

Does she like Adore back? Idk maybe ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

(UUUUGGGGGHHHH WHY IS THERE ONLY THIS AND THE SPRITE OF HER FROM NINTENDO BADGE ARCADE AND NOT THE ONE WHERE SHE LOOKS SUPER HAPPY)

(and yes I'm getting these from rhwiki.net, the superior rhythm heaven wiki)

Ann Glerr is aroace and agender!

In terms of everything in life, it really said "Nah, I'd fish."

She goes by she/it btw

Squirrel dude's also aroace!

(Gee, so many aroace people today...)

(Totally no bias here >:3)

Also because I thought it would be funny

I feel like for Squirrel especially, he legitimately does NOT understand what romance is, despite how long he's been with his colleagues for

Like he just thinks it's like friendship+, which it kinda is? But not at the same time?

Idk Squirrel man, keep studying the science of love and one day, you might get it

And last but not least...

THEY!!!!!!

OML

THEY LITERALLY

AUAUAAUUAUGUGUGUGHGUHGUGHAUUAGUHUAHUGUHU

AAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

Ok gotta explain them

Skip this next section if you don't want to read a MASSIVE MASSIVE LORE DUMP

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Uhhhh so basically in high school Pitcher was uhhh...

not doing too good

For reasons I'll probably explain in the future, (idk how far into the future), she was hit with the dysphoria™ and had this whole like mysterious/tough kid persona

I'll be referring to Pitcher as he in this next segment, as that was how he wanted to be called back then

He was part of the school's coed baseball team, and would wear his baseball uniform all the time, avoiding classes and hiding out in the boy's bathroom or the roof for most of the day.

He had very little friends, like Julia/Senpai/His Crush/whatever you call her since they were childhood friends, They weren't that close, though, since Senpai was very busy with studying or student council meetings or whatever (she was, in fact, the Ultimate Senpai!). Pitcher had A Boy/Romeo/Kouhai as his main friend for a while, due to their troubles in making friends with others (Pitcher cause of his standoffish-ness and Kouhai because of his social anxiety).

But there was also...

Reporter.

Oh sweet, chipper, who shines just like the sun Reporter. Reporter was a popular girl who got along with just about anyone you could think of. That made her job of being the reporter for the school newspaper very easy. That, in turn, made her appear at many schools events, like school dances, tournaments, and... baseball games.

Reporter was supposed to interview players for a segment in the newspaper the next week and she noticed a person she never saw in the school before.

Pitcher saw her approaching and hid somewhere before she could interview him. 'Damn, it's that annoying ass girl' he probably thought. From behind the bleachers, Pitcher watched her interview his other teammates, making sure that she wouldn't come her way. However, as he looked at her, he realized something.

'Ghghghhh... She's so damn cute!'

I mean like, Pitcher VERY WELL knew he was attracted to girls, even in like middle school, but most of those girls were like, beautiful celebrities on tv n such. Reporter was different, though. The way she was always so chip n cheerful, the way she always added meaningful comments in conversations no matter what, Pitcher felt something deep inside him. Like he wanted to squeeze the life out of her, but not in a malicious way or anything.'

'Damn, no wonder why everyone wants to talk to her...'

His hand covered his burning cheeks. Was he really getting this flustered over Reporter of all people??? He growled and scampered home, not wanting to think of it any longer.

Meanwhile, the event was winding down, and Reporter realized that she still didn't get to talk to the infamous, elusive pitcher. She looked and asked everywhere, but she couldn't find him no matter what. Eventually, she reluctantly went home herself.

On the way, her mind exploded with various scenarios on how a conversation with the pitcher would go. What would it be like to sit down face to face with him and talk about whatever? What would the inner thoughts of someone like that be like? Why did she never see him until today? Before she knew it, her heart was racing, and not just because she really wanted to talk to him. That day, she vowed

"I'm gonna talk to him no matter what!!!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Annnnnnd ramble over

If you made it to the end, you're a real one. Thanks for sticking along. Happy pride month to you all!!

[panic-in-the-multiverse]

Nonexistent Eating Patterns

Pairings: Matt Murdock x gn!teen!reader

Imagine: you haven’t been eating sleeping or drinking as you should and Matt is there to help

Warnings: not eating, anxiety, dehydration, sleep deprived, mention of panic/anxiety attacks, mention of depression, feeling sick, mention of school and exams and grades, Soft Matt Murdock (that is a warning), idk what more

A/N for starters this is probably shitty, bc wrote this late at night to be able to cope with my current life/mental/physical health. So wrote this to bring me some sort of comfort, so yeah this is probably shitty and I have not proofread it, but ya know that’s fine I guess :)

You didn’t know why, but once a year there was always this period of time where you ate far too little. More so than usual. The other times when you occasionally skipped lunch or breakfast or your usual midnight snack it was always fine, because you only skipped one of those and only once a week at a maximum. But now. Now you have skipped breakfast and your midnight snack the whole week, and lunch nearly every day. You had eaten maybe four times overall this week and your health was not having it. Because at those times when you did eat you didn’t eat much, you nearly spat out the food you ate. Nor did you get hungry. You only had that stomach ache where deep down you knew it came from you not eating, but you didn’t want to acknowledge that. So instead you laid curled up in your bed, hands by your head trying to soothe the migraine and your knees up to your chest while watching some random show on the TV. It was one of two positions that made the ache bearable.

Matt — your “guardian”, and who you shared an apartment with — knew you hadn’t been eating well. Of Course he knew, he was the devil of Hell’s Kitchen after all. Something like that would not get past him, but he didn’t want to push things on you, he didn’t want to push you to eat because it wouldn’t work as long as you didn’t do something yourself. As long as you didn’t ask for help he knew you wouldn’t eat. He knew your condition only got worse with your horrible sleeping patterns, and let’s not forget you were probably dehydrated. It seemed like you didn’t ever get tired, hungry or thirsty. Matt wanted to help you, but as long as you didn’t want the help nothing would change. Because one of the worst things is when a person doesn’t want help, and it’s hard to help them when they don’t want the help, especially with this. So he let it be for the time being, until he felt it had been going on for too long.

You’d had more panic and anxiety attacks this month than you usually had and your depression had kicked in not long ago. Which meant that you were less likely to start eating and sleeping. The only thing that kept you occupied was watching movies and series. You couldn’t do any school work, because that just made you anxious. Even though you didn’t have much in school at the moment (if you compare to other times), you still felt like everything was too much. You were supposed to have five exams, you had one today, which ended badly. The next two were next week, and then two after each other the next three coming weeks. On top of that you were just confused by everything in school and even if you studied you didn’t get the high grades. Everything was just too much at the moment with school, depression, anxiety overall, plus the attacks and panic attacks, let’s not forget not eating, drinking or sleeping. At the very moment you were screwed and you’d gone so deep down that you had no idea what to do.

Every day you felt like you would have an attack, every day you felt like you wanted to cry and scream until next year came. But you couldn’t even force a tear out of your eyes or a scream out of your throat, for some reason you just couldn’t. So you opted to lay in bed and watch movies all weekend instead of studying for your next exam because you wouldn’t understand anything anyway (and the teacher couldn’t explain it to you either).

It was night by the time Matt came home again, he’d called various times during the day to make sure you ate something, though you hadn’t really followed that, as you just took one bite out of your sandwich before you had to throw it away feeling like you’d puke by eating it. So when he came home and heard you were still awake as well as when he noticed you hadn’t eaten, he went into your room, and you in a poor attempt tried to even your breath to make it sound like you were sleeping — even though you knew full well it wouldn’t work.

“I know you’re awake”

Matt sat himself beside you on your bed. Making sure you listened to him as he continued.

“I know you didn’t eat today” he touched your arm gently, which went unnoticed by you, as you continued to stare out in the distance after you had opened your eyes. He touched your arm once more, and this time you felt it as your eyes slightly wandered to his hand which was carefully placed on your arm once more. Your hands had long since started to fiddle with your blanket in an attempt to hide the fact that your hands were shaking from the anxiety that came with being confronted with your nonexistent eating patterns.

“If I make you a sandwich will you eat it” you only shook your head in answer, you knew with the help of his heightened senses he would pick it up, but just in case you answered with a no as well.

“Can you at least drink a glass of water?” you shook your head and said no once more. Matt sighed and after a few moments he went out of your room. He went into the kitchen and took out some candy from one of the cupboards — the candy he hid away for special occasions. Matt also went and got a glass as he tapped on the water. When he heard it flow down he put the glass underneath and waited for the water to fill up the glass (can he now that?). He also put the candy in a bowl and went into your room again.

The darkness in your room made it hard for you to see, the movie had gone onto the credit scenes and the black background did nothing to help you see what Matt did. You only heard something being put down on your nightstand and felt Matt move around in front of you (as you were facing that way). He took up his previous position on your bed and made you sit up, as well as tell you to put on your favorite movie, he didn’t care if he couldn’t see it nor if you had already seen it today, it was the best way to distract you.

When the movie had started to roll he started to talk. “I know candy isn’t exactly food, or the food you need right now, but you eating anything is a progress, so can you at least eat some of it” your breathing had stopped for a few seconds, scared of even trying to eat as it made your stomach ache. Matt felt this, and added to his previous words. “Please Y/N, if you won’t do it for me, do it for yourself, I know that deep inside you want to get better, you’re just scared to try, scared that it might get worse, but I promise it won’t, it’ll only get better” he felt your head slowly nod as you slowly reached over to the bowl. “How do you know that” Matt sighed softly once more, he knew that if he said the wrong thing it’d make you put away the bowl. “Because it has before hasn’t it, before it went way too far until you needed to get help, because you couldn’t do anything, I just want to help you before we get to that, okay” you hummed at his answer and picked up a chocolate bar. When you put it in your mouth it melted and you got a tiny moment were you felt like everything would be okay, the sweetness was nice, it was far better than eating a sandwich that’s for sure. With that you took another candy bar and eventually you had eaten all of it, while being distracted by the movie in front of you. Matt had listened in on you while you ate, making sure you were okay. He drowned away everything but you, only focusing on you, to make sure you were nothing but okay.

After a few moments your stomach started to ache, it felt like it harnessed everything you ate. Matt made you drink the glass of water before he laid you down on the bed. His arms wrapped around you, as he cuddled close to you, giving you comfort. You breathed in his scent and felt his overall calmness — which always seemed to calm you down in turn. It was like he transferred some of his calmness over to you.

Eventually Matt felt your even breaths as you for once actually slept. That’s when he promised that he’d make sure that you actually ate the next following days, because he didn’t ever want to experience this with you ever again. Though if it did happen again he would always be there to help you, over and over again.

[persephoneflowerpetals]

Hey!!! I hope you’re doing well :) I feel like you’ve been feeling a bit down recently I dunno I could be wrong and you’re just busy but either way I hope your week starts to get better soon!! I just wanted to drop by and check on you and make sure you’re all okay!! Ik you’re probably busy as hell but keep up the good work!! You’re doing good :D!! I’m proud of you!! <3

Hi! Oh my goodness thank you so much!!! I seriously appreciate you sending this!!! This made me very happy!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

I genuinely didn’t think anyone would notice, but at the same time I haven’t been as active on here as I usually am so I guess it is a little obvious lol. I was honestly thinking about making a post talking about this but yeah. You’re correct on that. I’ve been struggling with my mental health recently, mainly my anxiety.

It’s really weird because I’ve been doing fine life-wise. I mean, we had a tropical storm come in last week, but it didn’t really affect me or my family or anything and it’s long gone now. It’s been pretty sunny recently lol. But like, back in April I was still working in retail and I had that car crash where my car got totaled and I had to look for a new car AND a new job (which worked out in the end because now I have a nice new car and a great job that isn’t as stressful for me), but ever since I woke up from a creepy nightmare last week, I’ve just been really anxious and on edge. I’ve been having trouble sleeping and been having more eventful dreams and occasional nightmares. So I’ve been more tired than usual and feeling off. Idk I guess it subconsciously triggered some hidden pent up anxiety or something. Similar thing happened to me in high school before I was diagnosed with anxiety but it was A LOT worse because I didn’t know why I was feeling the way I did so I had a hard time coping.

Anyways, I was trying to stay offline for a while so I wouldn’t trigger any anxiety because I felt like every little thing would make me anxious. I’ve also felt too anxious and tired and uninspired to write or post, so that’s another reason why I haven’t been active. I’ve just been trying to focus on myself and my life right now, trying to find some help now that I actually have decent insurance lmao and just trying to focus on things that will keep me calm for the time being.

I will say that I’ve been doing a little better. Like yesterday and today I haven’t felt as anxious and I haven’t really had any nightmares. Just eventful dreams lol. I even got the inspiration to work a little bit on the next chapter of ‘Til Death (I’m kinda stuck on writing a scene for it so I’ve had a bit of writers block with that lol) last night so that’s progress I guess lol.

But like I said, I really really appreciate this ask! It means a lot to me that you guys care about me that much ❤️. Hopefully I’ll be back to my normal self soon and I’ll be back to posting my silly Hades and Persephone stuff lol

[nikethestatue]

TW: sexual assault

I just need to vent. I saw a post today (and it’s been the case almost everyday this last week) of a certain Gwynriel posting about Gwyn’s SA and how she can have a sexual relationship. I know when Elriels even bridge this conversation we get destroyed and told we’re disgusting. I think there are obviously problematic takes on both sides of this and a lot of nuance. However, even when very informed people share their thoughts about this topic, that side goes into attack mode. Even when it’s sensitively handled, people get attacked. Even when it’s clearly stated nobody is saying Gwyn or survivors cannot have a healthy sexual relationship. Even when it’s stated this is just the opinion based on how Gwyn’s character is written and how challenging that book would be to write (and read) with power dynamics, etc.

Well today, I saw a post of a bigger Gwynriel saying that Gwyn is not a virgin and I am just…at a total loss. I sincerely do not know how this is not incredibly offensive, but people on the other side who say Gwyn is very traumatized and has severe concerns associated with her trauma, to the extent that this would be a highly triggering and complex book to write, are evil and offensive. How is it not extremely offensive for somebody to associate a violent sexual assault with a character not being a virgin!? R*pe is not consensual. It is not sex.

If this person is so upset and opposed to this dialogue, why discuss it all the time? Why bring this up every single day this week?

I’m sorry but it’s frustrating for us to be told we’re these evil and terrible people for saying that a character who is a survivor of sexual assault, who lives in a court-funded shelter for vulnerable women and can barely leave said shelter without 1. Permission and 2. High levels of anxiety and struggles to be around men, would have a more powerful story healing outside of sex and a man. It’s so frustrating that this is such an offensive take to them, but it’s fully acceptable to use this character’s sexual assault as a rationale for why she isn’t a virgin and can have a sexual relationship?? It’s fully acceptable to say that Gwyn is going to jump into a sexual relationship with bdsm involved when she hasn’t even expressed sexual interest in anybody? That’s acceptable?? But we’re the bad guys for pointing out Gwyn is uncomfortable around men and this would be a highly triggering book for so many actual, real-life women bc the book would have to deeply explore themes of intimacy after sexual trauma and have an on page first sexual experience after this?

Just because some people heal via sex and bdsm does not mean it would be and is healing to all people who have been through a similar experience.

There would have to be major disclaimers and trigger warnings to that book. And that’s something a lot of people just do not want to read. And that’s valid. I don’t want to read that, personally, either. And I want better for Gwyn’s character than for this to be the mechanism of her healing. For sex and a man, who witnessed this happen to her, and is in a position of authority and has power over her, to be that vessel of her healing.

Idk - it just seems like there is ownership of this topic on that side. I’ve seen posts accusing us of not being survivors when statistically we know this isn’t true and is again, insensitive. There is just so much nuance that is missed. People respond to trauma differently and some characters are written with more symptoms than others. If it’s somehow acceptable to say Gwyn isn’t a virgin (when as far as we know the only experience she has had was non-consensual), but it’s unacceptable to say her character, who is written as highly traumatized, may need more time and her healing in this regard not happen on page after the last book where we left her struggling to leave the library to go to Nesta’s mating ceremony, idk what to even say.

It really feels like some people in this fandom are absolved of accountability and can say horribly offensive things but it’s ok bc they’re gwynriels. How is that compassionate towards a character you claim to care about?

And using Rhys and Lucien as a rationale for why this is possible is just…not even a justifiable comparison. There is so much nuance to this and again, everyone recovers and responds differently. Rhys and Lucien can be around women comfortably. Rhys and Lucien can be in public spaces. Gwyn will get there, but not bc of a man. But bc of her own strength and fortitude in her recovery.

All of this nuance is why I think it would be difficult to write this story sensitively. I guess in summary, of course Gwyn can have a sexual relationship. I don’t think anybody has said otherwise, as far as I have seen. It’s the timing and nature of these spinoffs that make it difficult to give this story the justice it deserves. And I argue that there is nothing offensive about believing that. But there is something highly offensive about saying Gwyn isn’t a virgin when we know her only sexual experience to have been non-consensual.

Sorry. I needed to get that out.

I agree with everything you said, Anon. I think, overall, Gwynriels are so consumed by this ship, the overwhelming NEED for the ship to happen that they fail to see the optics of the ship.

In general, Gwyn wasn't written to be in any ship, at least as it was written in ACOSF, Gwyn wasn't written to be a LI to any many, let alone Azriel. Her whole history was made up for SJM for one purpose, to put her in the Library and make her a friend to Nesta.

This utter misunderstanding and misappropriation of her character by GAs leads to all these very charged and uncomfortable conversations. The issue isnt that she is ready or not ready, or that people in RL ready or arent ready for sexual relations -- it's that she wasn't WRITTEN as a character who was meant to be having any sex with anyone. She isn't going to be tying Azriel up with the ribbon in the Library, or having BDSM sex with him, because again, she was written as a Valkyrie and a friend to Nesta.

That's why the infamous bonus was so sexually charged in the beginning, and then completely lacking in any sexuality in the second part. The sexual potential, the attraction,the desire were firmly set up with elriel. NOT Gwynriel. That's why Azriel wouldn't touch her, that's why there is an underlining theme of him being her teacher, being an 'opponent' to overcome (aka cut the ribbon), and her not being interested in him.

It's not 'oh evil Eriels don't want Gwyn to have sex!!! because they hate women with SA!' (we've all heard this nonsense). We don't give a fuck, frankly, if Gwyn has sex. What we DO understand is how characters and interactions are written. If Elain is extremely uncomfortable with Lucien, we are not going to twist and write 50K metas about how she is secretly pining for him. Sometimes, things are stated with specific intention. Same with Gwyn and Azriel and Gwyn and men--SJM isn't going there, because it's not a place she needs to be as a writer and that's not where her story is going. The setup is Elriel. That's it. It's not us. It's the author, who didn't write Gwyn as a LI. That's it.

[nataliasquote]

Honesty teaser | n romanoff | wattpad book

Ok hello :) I know this goes against posting on Tumblr, seeing as it won’t be updated on here, but I really need to kick myself back into writing, so what better way than to promote my book on here so that I have more of an incentive if more people know about it! For now it’s Wattpad only whilst I figure out how AO3 works (idk if I even have an account) but I will try to get it up on there too. But… until then… here is the first chapter of ‘Honesty’.

College!AU | Enemies to lovers

Natasha Romanoff x O!C

O!C: Kaiiarina Lenkova (Kaia/ Ky). Sister to JB Lenkov (James Buchanan aka Bucky)

Current available chapters: 9

The classic ringing of an incoming facetime call sounded through the speakers of a MacBook, which made a rather exhausted 18 year old leap up from her sprawled out place on her bed. She threw herself onto her spinning desk chair, which spun a bit too far, meaning she had to grab the edge of her desk and haul herself back around before she fell off.

She lifted the lid and quickly typed in her password as an excited face filled the screen, their voice far too loud as the volume had been left turned all the way up from last night's dance session. Dark curly hair swung against her back as the girl winced at her friend's squeal.

"Have you looked?" The blonde girl screeched, far too close to the camera to create a flattering angle.

"Lena, it's 8am. It's a miracle I'm awake at this point." Kaiiarina groaned before she was cut off by a yawn, which only emphasised her point. She'd been awake since 7, knowing that today was one of the most important days of her life. Every possibility and outcome of her future was shuffled through her head as she tried to grasp any ounce of sleep that made itself available to her. But instead of blissful dreams, she was faced with pits of anxiety that made her dream feel like her worst nightmare.

"We promised we'd open them together, so hurry up!" Yelena was horrendously impatient, which was a huge contrast to Kaia's more laid back approach in life. But they'd planned this day since they were 11 years old, having been inseparable since they were 6.

Their first day of ballet class. Yelena was only there because Melina wanted her to follow in Natasha's footsteps; the golden child. But, naturally, the blonde wanted to be anywhere else, so she was stubborn in not moving from her spot on the bench. Her hair was pulled up into what could have been a neat bun, but she had wriggled so much that her baby hairs were everywhere.

Kaia, on the other hand, couldn't have been more different. Her uniform was pristine, tiny feet slipped into perfectly tied ballet shoes. Her almost black hair was pulled into a braided bun, secured perfectly on the top of her head, not a single hair out of place. She sat on the bench with her back straight, her hands folded in her lap. She looked alert, attentive; her blue eyes wide as she took in every person who walked past. She looked in wonder at the older girls who walked past, admiring their pointe shoes with lust. She was going to be like them one day.

Their teacher called everyone into the studio as a group, knowing a lot of the children would be nervous. Kaia walked in with her head held high; this was where she was meant to be. But out of the corner of her eye, she saw Yelena putting up a fight with her mother, who was trying to coax her defiant 6 year old from the bench.

What spurred her to do this was a complete mystery, but Kaia found herself wandering over to Yelena and extending out her hand.

"I'm Kaia." Was simply all she said. Yelena stopped squirming, peering up at the girl with her big green eyes. She looked at her mother briefly, who just smiled.

"Yelena."

"You know that class is about to start, right?" Kaia stated, confused as to why the girl wasn't in the studio like everyone else.

"Yes. But I'm not going." The young Russian was stubborn and folded her arms over her chest, pouting slightly.

"Ballet isn't sissy, you know. It's strong. You don't see the 'tough' boys doing it, do you?" Yelena shook her head, slightly confused at her point. Kaia leaned towards Lena and whispered in her ear. "It's because they can't handle it. They're not strong like we are."

Yelena smiled at the thought of being stronger than the boys in her class. She was fiercely competitive and she revelled in the idea of being better at something than someone else. Kaia's hand was still outstretched and so the blonde Russian took it gladly, their tiny hands clasping tightly together.

Melina watched the girls disappear into the glossy studio, a proud smile on her face. Those girls were going to be best friends, she just knew it.

And she was exactly right. Kaia transferred to Yelena's school in 2nd grade, and they became inseparable. Even the teachers knew they wouldn't be able to find one without the other 2 steps behind. And when one of them were sick and off school... it was like the one left behind was missing a limb.

When they transferred to middle school together, they made a pact. The girls would go to the same high school and the same college.

And that day had finally come. Acceptance letters were being sent out and the girls had applied to the same university. Which was what prompted Yelena's early morning facetime call.

Kaia scrolled through her emails, her heart pounding out of her chest. This was what they'd worked towards for 4 years. Their extra-curricular activities, sports, dance, languages... everything leading up to this moment.

"Oh fuck." Kaia muttered, seeing the email appear in her inbox. "I've got it."

On the other side of the screen, Yelena had her email open too, the link tempting her mouse, but also making her hesitate. What if their plan didn't work out?

"Wait." Yelena rushed, making Kaia freeze. "Whatever happens, we stay best friends, right?"

"I can't believe you just asked me that question Belova." Kaia scoffed, slightly offended as she adjusted the neck of her hoodie.

"I just had to be sure. Okay," Yelena let out a big breath. "It's now or never."

There was silence on both ends of the call as they waited for the link to load up. Time seemed to slow down, seconds turning into minutes as the loading circle span round and round. Yelena had picked up a hair tie and was spinning it around her finger as Kaia chewed on the edge of her thumb.

But the circle stopped spinning. The girls stopped fidgeting. They both held their breath as a message appeared on their screens.

Pale Oak University is delighted to offer you a place on your chosen course. We hope that you accept our offer and will join us in August on campus. Please click 'confirm choice' at the bottom of the page to secure your place.

But neither of them said anything. They tried to read each other's expressions as they looked back at the camera, but they were so scared of not going to the same college that neither wanted to burst the bubble.

But Kaia couldn't help let a small smile slip, which prompted Yelena to do the same.

"Did you-"

"Are you-"

Both girls started to speak at the same time but paused for the other continue. Kaia just nodded at Yelena's question, not trusting her voice to be strong enough to speak.

"Oh my god, me too." Lena's voice came out as nothing more than a hushed whisper, her hands flying to her mouth as tears welled in her eyes.

"Lena." Kaia croaked out, a tear slipping down her cheek. "We did it." She laughed lightly, which blended into a choked sob.

"We really did it."

"We fucking did it!" Kaia leaped out of her chair, spinning around like an excited puppy. "Mama! Dad! We did it! I got in!" Although she was still on facetime, Kaia sprinted downstairs to find her parents, screaming her results to them.

On the other side of the screen, Yelena did the same thing, racing into the kitchen where her parents and sister were sat.

"I got in!" She announced as she skidded to a halt in her fluffy socks, grabbing onto the back of a chair so she didn't slip. "I'm going to Pale Oak!"

Melina and Alexei scooped their youngest into a huge group hug as they cheered, leaving Natasha sitting alone at the table. She would have joined in, if it wasn't for the news that her little sister was going to be at the same university that she was currently at.

"Natasha, come and congratulate your sister. You know out of everyone just how hard the entry process is." Melina said, giving her 20 year old daughter a stern look as she rolled her eyes.

"Nice job Yelly." Nat said, ruffling her sister's hair, purposely messing it up even further. "Just don't bother me okay? I don't want you hanging onto me all the time. It's annoying."

"Natasha be nice." Alexei said disapprovingly. "Your sister is blessing to us all. We are so so proud." He pulled Yelena into his side, which she did not appreciate as she pushed him away with a disgusted look.

"Don't worry Nat. I've got Kaia. We're gonna be just fine."

Nat's head whipped round and she stared at her sister with a raised brow. "Wait... Kaia's going?"

"Duh. She's my best friend." Yelena rolled her eyes, not believing her sister's comment.

Nat shrugged, turning back to her phone. "Wow. Didn't know she had what it took." She mumbled under her breath for only Yelena to hear.

Rage flooded the blonde's cheeks and she clenched her fists at her side. "You're a bitch." she spat through gritted teeth, before marching up the stairs and slamming her door shut, slumping onto her chair in front of her laptop where Kaia was waiting.

"I'm guessing Nat didn't take it too well then." Kaia quipped, throwing an m&m up in the air before catching it in her mouth.

"You know me too well."

"No, well yes, but I also know just how much your sister hates me." Natasha always had a distaste for Lena's best friend, but no one quite knew why. Maybe it was due to them being in the same ballet class, despite Kaia being 2 years younger, or maybe how much time Kaia spent at the Romanoff's. But the brunette didn't really care. Having Nat like her wasn't exactly on the top of her to do list.

"Well, forget about her. She's not going to ruin it for me, or for you. We've had everything planned out since we were 10 years old Ky, and it's actually going to happen."

"Still gonna be roommates right?" Kaia asked, reading over the email one more time to cement it into her brain. It still felt surreal that they were actually going to college. No more high school. No more living at home. No more living 25 minutes away from each other. It was perfect.

"If you really think I'm gonna sleep in the same room as some random ass girl who snores and talks in her sleep, then think again. I'm sleeping with you or not sleeping at all."

"Well then I think we need to contact someone about it, because I don't even know if you can pick your roommates."

"I'll just say I have major attachment issues and breakdown into floods of tears whenever I'm not around you." Yelena said, spinning around on her chair before getting distracted by her massive shark plushie. She reached for it and pulled it onto her lap, stuffing her face into its fur.

Kaia just rolled her eyes. Yelena was always one for the dramatics. "Well that's going to work so well seeing as we are taking different majors, but sure." Yelena was majoring in sports science, seeing as she was on the women's football team and she loved it with all of her heart. Ballet was never really her thing, so as soon as she could quit, she did.

Kaiiarina was majoring in dance and they both were taking a Russian language class, as it was easy credits seeing as they both wanted to be fluent in their 'motherland' language.

"Well if that doesn't work, we can just get your brother to intimidate them all into putting us together." JB Lenkov (or James Buchanan) was in the army and had been away for 8 months. He was 5 years older than Yel and Kaia, so they joked about him a lot. Plus, he did try to ask Natasha out on a date, only to be turned down by her harsh words. "If you have a dick, I'm not into you."

"Let's just email them. See what they say." Kaia clicked on the email link, excitement surging through her body. It felt real now. But with the excitement came a lot of nerves. The kind that sent butterflies swarming in all different directions, extending from her fingertips to the depths of her stomach. A nauseating feeling descended in her throat, but she swallowed it down.

New experiences weren't really her thing. She grown a lot more self conscious from the bold and daring 6 year old she once was, but within the duo she was still the sensible and down to earth one. A stickler for the rules, which Yelena often felt were mere suggestions.

"I know its 8:30, but something in my body is screaming for a Starbucks right now, and unfortunately my asshat of a sister won't drive me." Yelena peaked over the top of her shark, which she had nicknamed Brucie, and batted her eyelashes rather dramatically at her best friend, who payed absolutely no notice to her.

"Kaia..." Still nothing.

"Ky!" Crickets.

"Kaiiarina!" Oh now she'd done it. The brunette's blue eyes seemed to darken as she peered up at the camera, narrowing her eyes into what became a bone chilling glare.

"Yelena Fyodorovna Belova. Did you just use my government name?" Although she was joking, Kaia made no effort to smile or even lighten her expression, loving how scared her friend looked. Similarly to a deer in headlights.

Lena flashed a sheepish smile. "Coffee?" Was all she offered, trying to hit Ky's sweet spot. "Caramel iced coffee?" Kaia was still glaring. "I'll buy you a blueberry muffin."

Now that was a deal breaker. "Even when I hate your guts, you still manage to win me over." Kaia groaned, pushing away from her desk and wheeling over to her closet whilst still sat on her chair. She grabbed a jacket and stood up, walking over to her table to grab her keys. "I'll be there in 20. Be ready or I'm taking Nat instead." She leaned over her laptop and hovered her mouse over the red 'end call' button.

"Oh wow. Threat of the century." Yelena feigned offense and Kaia blew a raspberry. Childish, yes, but

"Bye bitch."

~~~

Kaia's family was rich, very rich, but it hadn't gone to her head like many privileged girls she could mention. Her father was the CEO of a major jewellery company back in Russia, that had gone global in the last 10 years.

She had all the physical signs of a rich girl; expensive clothes, dainty jewellery, designer sunglasses that were nearly always placed in her wavy hair, pristinely manicured nails and of course, her most prized possession... her tesla. It was an extravagant 18th birthday gift from her father, and as normal as it seemed in a life like hers, Kaia burst into tears when she saw the sparkling white car parked on their driveway.

Yelena seemed more eager to show off Kaia's new car than she was, hopping into the front seat and immediately connected her phone to the aux, Mitski blasting at full volume.

And even though it had been 6 months since Ky's birthday, Yelena still clambered into the sleek white car with a gleeful expression, her phone ready in her hand to Bluetooth. Kaia's once peaceful music was soon replaced with songs more to Yelena's taste, reflecting her wild and chaotic personality.

"This is just like a free taxi service for you isn't it?" Kaia commented as Yelena clearly made herself comfortable, her hands adjusting the direction of the aircon as Kaia pulled away from the drive.

"Yeah, but you're rich so it's fine." It was true. Kaia didn't care about giving Yelena lifts. And besides, it's not like she payed for the electricity that powered her car.

10 minutes later she swerved into the Starbucks parking lot, a smile gracing her face as she saw the all-too-familiar store. The girls pushed the doors open and went inside to order their drinks. Yelena offered to collect their drinks so Kaia took a seat in a booth next to the window and peered outside, watching the hustle and bustle of the world outside.

Her hand was propped up under chin and she soon drifted into her thoughts, trying to process the events of this morning even though it was only 9:20am.

Yelena observed her best friend from afar, watching how she retreated into her head. She knew Kaia's concerns about college, especially with Natasha who was also doing the same course. The tension between the 2 could be cut clearly with a knife, which made thanksgiving and birthdays slightly awkward. But Yelena's outlandish personality always helped muffle the discomfort with a joke or a random song, which Kaia was thankful for.

She carried their coffees and blueberry muffins over to the table and slid in opposite Kaia, who was still staring into space out of the window. Her bottom lip was pulled between her teeth and Lena could feel Ky's knee bouncing up and down as their legs touched under the table.

"Hey. Kaia." Yelena said gently, placing her hand on her friend's knee. "I got that muffin you wanted." She slid the muffin across the table and watched as Kaia's eyes flickered into focus and she took a deep breath.

"I was beginning to think you'd forget." She joked, taking a sip of her coffee and smiling at the taste. Her grin was slightly forced and Yelena could tell it didn't quite reach her eyes.

Yelena laughed, her adorable giggle making Kaia smile harder. "Me? Forget? Never." She watched as her best friend slowly picked apart her muffin, breaking it into pieces on the wrapper. "What's going on?"

Kaiiarina sighed. Her anxiety wasn't anything new, and the duo had learned to cope with it really well. Yelena was goofy but always understanding, switching her naturally comedic tone to a more serious one when she needed to. And she was an excellent observer, which definitely came in handy as Kaia usually withdrew into herself whenever anxiety took over.

"Oh nothing." She said casually, more so to convince herself than Yelena. "It's just- well, college is a lot."

Yelena knew where this was coming from. They'd spoken about it a few times, but Ky still struggled to wrap her head around it. "Yeah... but it's not different for us."

"Why?" Kaia questioned as she bit into a chunk of muffin. A blueberry exploded on her tongue and sent a fuzzy feeling in her stomach. That's why those muffins were her favourites.

"Because we're still together. And we always will be."

Kaia thought for a moment as she chewed. Yes, they would be together, but they'd also be around Natasha and a bunch of new people they'd never seen before. Plus, they were doing different courses which meant different people, different professors, different buildings, different schedules... it was a lot.

Yelena took her silence as a hint to keep talking. "You're worried about Nat aren't you?"

"No." Kaia snorted. "Well... I'm hoping your sister is too busy to worry about making my life a living hell... but you know..." she trailed off and Yelena smiled, having figured out the root of her worries.

"You'll be fine. Besides, you won't even see her. You have me instead!"

"Hmmm... I wonder which Romanoff-Belova sibling I like best..." Kaia pretended to think long and hard, knowing it would mess with Yelena all too well.

Yelena narrowed her eyes and lined up a blueberry to flick, her lips curling into a pout. "For the sake of your white sweatshirt, you better say me. Or I'm gonna find another roommate."

"Okay Miss 'I breakdown in tears when I'm not around you'. Can't fool me Belova.". A smug expression crossed Kaia's face and Yelena huffed, sinking into the soft leather seat as she tossed the blueberry into her mouth and chomped on it with force.

"I hate you." She mumbled, glaring around the half empty coffee shop as her arms folded across her chest and one foot came to rest on the maroon seat.

Kaia chuckled at her childish behaviour, expecting nothing less. "No you don't."

With her infamous pout and inability to look her friend in the eye, Yelena answered "Yes I do" whilst eyeing up the baristas working quickly behind the counter, taking drive-thru orders as they drizzled caramel onto several frappuccinos.

"Okay then. See you around." Kaia grabbed her keys and iced latte and made a move to stand up from the booth, before Yelena put her leg on her seat so she couldn't get out. "No wait! I need a lift!"

Kaia sat down with a scoff. "Wow... so you are using me!"

"Yeah I am." Yelena said with no shame with a mouth full of muffin. "What about it?"

"Remind me why I'm friends with you again?"

"Because you need someone with good music taste to test your car speakers. And someone to bring banners to your dance recitals." A cheeky glint shone in Yelena's eyes as Kaia groaned, her head falling into her hands at the memory.

"No! Never again." She peeked through her fingers to see her best friend sniggering, to which she kicked her rather hard in the shin, earning a pained yelp from the blonde. "You may find it hilarious, but I will never live that down. I almost got kicked off the team for that!"

Yelena rolled her eyes. "Oh shut up. Natty was only jealous because I didn't make her a sign. She would never kick you off. You're too good. They need you to win." She was right. Kaia was unbelievably talented, although she would never admit it.

One of the many things the girls had in common was their dedication. When they wanted something, they were some of the most driven teenagers around. Both sets of parents were proud, although Yelena's showed it a lot more than Kaia's did. Her's seemed to think that the money they gave her was enough to make up to the detached and cold behaviour they showed towards her and her brother. But it just brought the siblings closer than they ever would be.

"We have 3 months until college. What the fuck are we gonna do?" Yelena asked, slurping the last of her coffee. It seemed like a hell of a long time to sit around stressing, which is what Kaia would do.

"We need to buy stuff for our dorm. And I want to go to the beach."

"Okay Ky that's boring stuff. I'm talking sleeping under the stars, going to haunted houses, days at the lake, getting drunk whenever we want! We have all this time and no pressure to do anything. We can't waste it!"

Kaia chewed on her lip before smiling. The sun as shining and it was warm. Perfect May summer weather. "Okay fuck it. Lake day?" She asked, grabbing her keys and adjusting her sunglasses on her head.

"I love you!"

They dumped their trash and ran out to the car, jumping in before racing home to collect their stuff. Kaia's parents weren't home (surprise surprise) so she didn't need to ask permission from anyone. And Yelena never asked permission She was 18 and frankly Melina and Alexei trusted her enough for her to do what she wanted.

"First day of stress free summer is about to commence!" Yelena announced when they were both back in the car. The electric guitar intro of 'Sweet Child O'Mine' blared through the tesla speakers as they pulled out of the driveway and it suddenly felt real.

It was summer.

They were going to college.

Together.

10 year old Kaiiarina and Yelena would be proud.

[icedmetaltea]

Yesterday was ok, today anxiety's been awful again...

(rambling abt anxiety and nonsense venting below)

felt dizzy/bit of vertigo throughout the morning and when I checked my BP it was 154/108 so that scared the shit out of me... I took a bit of propranolol and that seems to be helping but I'm worried bc when I asked about what a dangerous BP was my stepdad said 160 and up and that's uncomfortably close. The last time it was high it was only like 140/90 so this was really scary

I called the number the crisis ppl give me from a resource sheet on friday again since I never got a response after leaving a message on monday but this time they told me to call yet another number and they said I couldn't get any kind of help till I came to their office to fill out some forms and like??? I CAN'T LEAVE MY FUCKING APARTMENT

Do these people never get ppl with severe agoraphobia?? The last time I had a full-on panic attack I screamed at the top of my lungs and had to call 911 to get ppl to calm me down so I'd stop hyperventilating, you want me doing that in public again??????

Anyway she told me I can call the supervisor and see if she could make an exception in my case BUT ofc she wasn't available and I had to leave a message, no clue when I'll hear back and when I do I doubt she'll even be able to help me

I fucking hate this system. This is why so many people kill and hurt themselves. When they are lost, when there's nowhere else to turn. When the crisis ppl come they give you a whole list of resources but what is there for people like me who are stuck at home, broke, unable to work bc they literally cannot function like this when it gets this bad every couple of months (sometimes more frequently)

it's either go to a psych ward where they'll pump you full of meds that'd just give me the same "locked in" panic attacks which trust me are far worse than toughing it out at home where at least it isn't bright and loud and horrible or face shit on your own

I thought it was starting to get better, yesterday I cooked 3 meals for myself, I went outside and sat on the step for 5 mins, today I can't get out of bed bc every time I try the room spins. Even when I'm laying down like this it's bad. Even if I close my eyes it's bad... I slept better last night and I thought I was doing well but no, midway through the day everything's horrible again. I keep feeling out of breath no matter how many deep breaths I take... other times I feel like there's "too much air" and I'm breathing too fast and can't slow it down... how do I even describe it??

I feel like I'm going insane but at the same time I know it's been this bad and worse before. I remember my childhood. I remember laying on the floor struggling to breathe, alone. I remember begging god to take this sensation of dread to go away, or to just let me die. Anxiety has a habit of always seeming... idk unfamiliar? No matter how many panic attacks you have, they always feel new

and what's worse is I can't even remember how I eventually always overcome these phases bc I ground rule growing up stemming from OCD I had at the time was I wasn't allowed to write anything in a journal bc it was "bad luck" or something (at the very least my OCD isn't nearly as bad these days) Idk if it takes days, weeks or months to get better. If I spend half a year or longer just waiting for things to get better then like um... it kinda becomes a quality of life issue, doesn't it?

Idk maybe it's the weather. It's 65 rn, yesterday it was mid forties, so maybe that's it. Well then I'm fucked bc it's only gonna get warmer as it approaches summer, and ya know climate change and everything wooooo

Doesn't help that the past two times when my stepdad witnessed me having those really bad attacks he said I should go to a padded cell or something... I know where he grew up there was no such thing as mental illnesses or therapy, only "crazy and not crazy", but damn it hurts. At least my bio dad understood what was going on to some extent. He knew anxiety was out my control, that I was going through it but that it didn't make me "crazy", just that my body was reacting physically to something seemingly unsurmountable on a mental level.

My stepdad was even surprised when I told him anxiety is the second most common mental illness nation-wide. I've talked to many other bad anxiety-sufferers, the reason you don't see us outside a lot is bc most of us are inside afraid to leave our houses! We're literally just trying to survive in bodies with malfunctioning nervous systems and in a society that literally is built around causing stress on a daily basis- on normal people, so just think about how that is if you literally have the being-stressed-out disorder my guy

it also seems like whenever I talk to my mom about this she tries to immediately talk about something else. Like I messaged her earlier today and when I brought up feeling dizzy and having a high BP she just said "Sorry you're having a challenging day! We're at the library getting library cards. Libraries are nice!" like sure some ppl like talking about light hearted stuff to distract them but sometimes I just need someone to be there and listen, you know? All it does is make me clam up and bottle all my emotions in, which ofc makes it worse.

I'm scared to check my BP again. I feel like there's something terribly wrong with my body but it's not as if I can see a doctor if I can't 1. afford it till medicaid processes or 2. fucking go to the doctor. You want me to have another one of those soul-crushing panic attacks and shriek around some stranger in an uber?? Hell no

So yea idk what to do. I have a math test this weekend and I've barely studied at all, can't get myself to focus on anything. I can't drop out again, I've already failed this class twice. I don't think they'd let me take it again and I'm pretty sure I've run out of financial aid to pay for it

Ofc mom and dad are gone, my sister said she'd visit me the other day but "forgot" to, so I'm alone. Completely and entirely alone.

The one thing I have going for me is the PMDD won't start up for another week or two so at the very least I have a will to live rn. Anxiety and depression usually go hand-in-hand but since it's just anxiety atm I'm still able to have the motivation to cook and clean when I'm not ya know unable to get out of bed bc my heart is beating out of my chest

When it does come back, well... I'll keep those crisis numbers on speed dial. I've survived all this horseshit, I might as well make it worth something. Idk maybe the thing I'll keep living for rn is a fucking pet fish someday. I have to hold on to every tiny thing that gets me through the day bc there is a chance, even if extremely slim, that things will in fact get better

[silverstonesainz-archive]

Please can I request - A + Anchor + Lando :) x

idk how to feel about this one so sorry

✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿ ... ✿°•∘ɷ∘•°✿

prompt: forehead touches - [ ANCHOR ]:     in a moment where stress and anxiety are running high, the sender tries to ground the receiver by gently guiding them into a hug, resting their foreheads together to steady them.

being in tuned with technology and social media has its pros and cons. for lando, it means growing his platform and being able to share all his hobbies to anyone that would listen. it means sharing all the happy parts of his life. social media has has given him a space to immortalize pieces of his life.

but with his career in the mix, being as in tuned with it all has opened him up to criticism. he's exposed for the world to condemn every single move he makes. he likes to believe that he has thick skin, that the words are meaningless to him and don't affect him the way the sender might hope.

and while that might be true most times, it didn't reign true today.

lando's biggest mistake is opening a reddit thread he discovered on his twitter feed. he must've been staring at his phone for thirty minutes before it finally got to him. it was comment after comment about his career, and the more he read the more he began to doubt himself. he puts his phone down on the table, screen down, head in his hands as the unkind words begin to fester and grow in his brain. they're like weeds, cluttering his mind until it consumes him completely.

he began to question his place in formula 1, doubting whether or not her deserved his seat and if he was really cut out for it all. his mind takes him down an unnerving path of self doubt and anxiety, he isn't sure how long he sat on his couch just thinking about every single word of that thread.

there lock on the door jiggles, the door swinging open revealing you with a huge grin on your face. but the smile drops the second you see the look of despair on his face. you drop your bags by the door, closing it behind you.

"lando baby what's wrong?"

he shakes his head, attempting to play off is distressed state. but he fails, with tears streaming down his face as he turns away.

"im sorry," lando tries to laugh, wiping his face with the back of his hand, "fuck im just spiraling is all."

you sit next to him on the couch, brows furrowed as you reach for his hand. "about what?"

"my career." he leans back, huffing as he stares at his hand in yours. "just don't think im really gonna get anywhere with it. i just... what if i'm wasting my time?"

"why would you say that?" he flicks his chin towards his phone on the coffee table and you sigh softly. "baby..."

"what if they're right? what if i'm wasting my time, that i should quit while i'm ahead." he lets go of your hand, standing to his feet as he swipes his phone to read what's on the screen. "lando norris, subpar career and a subpar driver. i genuinely don't see how people believe he'd actually get far in formula one." he reads.

"lando-"

"he's joke on the track, how he's gotten any podiums must it must be by sheer luck." he lets out a humorless laugh, "yeah must've been."

you shake your head, trying to speak again but lando still cuts you off. you sit quietly, listening to your boyfriend's rant, the way he stumbles and stammers with tears on his face. you can only listen to so much before you're on your feet and grabbing his hands to grab his attention. lando looks down at you, eyes bloodshot and a frown present on his lips.

"i just don't know what i'm doing anymore y/n," he admits in a shaky whisper, "i just don't know."

he breaks down again, arms wrapping around your torso to hold you close to him as he cries into your shoulder. you hug him close to you, pressing a kiss to your temple as he cries softly. his breathing becomes ragged, chest heaving against yours. you can hear him choking on his sobs, feel his hold on you tightening.

"hey," you whisper, "hey hey," you cup his cheeks and forcing him to look at you. "breathe lando. you need to breathe."

you inhale deeply, holding your breath for a couple of seconds before exhaling. you do this a couple more times, waiting for lando to match your pace. and when he does do, you bring his forehead close enough to rest on yours.

"you are so much more than the words on a stupid reddit thread. and you still have so much more to give in this sport, more to offer, and so many more milestones to hit. okay?"

he nods, eyes falling shut as he allows your words to sink in.

"i might not know too much about the cars and the whole logistical side of it all but i do know one thing for sure. it's that you're meant to be in that car, on the track. fuck you love being there more than you love being with me."

that pulls a laugh from him, and he shakes his head. lando pulls away slightly, pressing a kiss to your forehead. "no true."

"slightly true."

"never true." he says firmly, cupping your cheeks and giving you a sweet but firm kiss. "thank you love," he mumbles against your lips. "i don't know what i'd do without you."

fluff party!

[rival-the-rose]

So, last week, just before my birthday, I developed dysphagia, gastroparesis, and ileus due to a weird viral infection (came with a fever and sinus inflammation but nothing else). In layman's terms, this basically means all of the muscles in my entire GI tract have stopped working - esophagus is not moving food to the stomach, stomach is not opening to allow food nor is it opening to release food, and my intestines are not moving things along, just being inflamed and full of gas.

This is obviously deeply uncomfortable, I have been on a liquid diet and barely reaching BMR, on top of being dehydrated bc plain water causes a lot of pain (adding a neutral-basic substance to high acid environment=bad).

On top of that, I am not a layman, and therefore I know that generally this suite of symptoms are associated with the Big Bad Diagnoses and once they show up they are frequently lifelong and not infrequently fatal. I also know that my history and symptoms don't match any of the Big Bads and it's more likely a weirdly dramatic response to viral inflammation, and I think we confirmed that with my doctor today. She's an osteopath who used to specialize in post-GI surgical care and felt that my intestines responded to manipulation in a way that was more similar to inflamed intestines than intestines that are no longer enervated. I would tend to agree and also she relieved so much pain today, I can take deep breaths again.

However, she hasn't seen or heard of this before. She expects that if there's no active damage being done, the inflammation should be mostly resolved in a week or two, but that's based on physiological knowledge rather than specific disease etiology.

So I'm having a lot of emotions. Anxiety, bc these are serious issues that I don't have a solid timeline on resolving. Anxiety 2, bc any time my body does something weird I become paralyzed with fear that this is going to spiral into profound disability again. Shame about Anxiety 2 bc I feel like I'm being dramatic and also being paralyzed with fear makes me feel bad about myself. Concerned that this is going to trigger an eating disorder relapse. Excited that I get to relapse "legitimately" and the fact that I've been on half rations for awhile is relieving the thoughts around how much weight I've gained since getting back from Vermont. Concerned bc I'm already feeling some of the emotional effects of calorie restriction (weepy+fussy) and physical (so tired.) Shame bc I feel like I should be done being sick and I'm tired of cancelling things I really want to do and also bc I look fine and I do feel ok as long as I haven't eaten recently. So I feel like I'm letting ppl down for no reason/I should be toughing it out more. ???Bad bc this is the eating disorder dream and why can't I be functional while doing it (aka being confronted with the reality that I can't indulge my disorder in a safe way which is so scary). Fussy bc I don't actually feel sick so I still want to do things but then I do and I'm uncomfortable/tired/frustrated immediately. Shame about just lying on the couch so much. Fear bc I want to start T and I'm in the process of applying to vet school and I can't do either of those things if I keep having organ systems shutting down (I really thought my lungs were doing better but they're apparently still not deflating appropriately).

Logically I can see that if someone told me they had these symptoms I would be like "why are you not in a hospital" (as long as I can keep up on calories and liquid reasonably it's not necessary). But I'm the one experiencing it and it's not that bad so why can't I do more stuff. Even though I worked full time this week and went to a doctor appointment today and OT yesterday. But I cancelled hanging out with my bestie on her birthday today so I feel really bad about that.

Idk. I just want to feel better. Except for the part of me that wants to starve to death. I'd say that's the core of the issue lol.