tastyflowers · 8 months ago
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man.
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hoedamn-eron · 7 months ago
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sick bug
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Silas is ill with a bug.
Warnings: As usual, Nathan is his own warning, but mentions of throw up so emetophobia warning. Mentions of breastfeeding (a fed baby is a happy baby, whether bottle or breast). One mention of Nathan drinking and being hungover. Slightly proofread. Word count: 1,296 F!Reader, no use of Y/N.
Yet another dad!Nathan one shot (this is the last one I have planned for now). A part of the same universe as Shut up, Kid and Bluey! but can also be a stand-alone.
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You sigh tiredly as you walk into the kitchen, Silas plastered to your chest and gripping your shirt tightly with his little fists, where he was still fighting sleep after a restless night. He had barely eaten anything this morning, only managing half a slice of toast before he had cried for you again. You gave up any other sort of food for him and took him in your arms, letting him nurse from you, the only comfort he seems to want (you were more than willing to give it to him). Nathan was pouring you a cup of coffee, feeling like you need it after the 12 hours you’d had (you wish you could inhale cup after cup, but the thought of pumping and dumping gives you hives). 
“He settled?” Nathan asks, passing you the cup as he glanced at Silas, his dark eyes looking at his son with concern. 
“Just about,” you mutter, taking the cup and having a sip as you lightly sway Silas. 
You’d been up all night with your son; he’d been hit with some sort of sickness bug and had you up from midnight, where he had started screaming before immediately throwing up in his crib. Nathan had a meeting in the afternoon, so you’d taken your son and tried to settle him, but after a while you just ended up in the living room, trying to settle him with water and snuggles on the couch. Silas – thankfully – stopped throwing up at about 4am, and had fought sleep ever since, just wanting to be with (on) you, with your breast in his mouth at all times. 
You feel dead on your feet as you drink your coffee, but you daren’t take a seat. The moment you stop moving, Silas will scream the place down again. You continue to sway, almost putting yourself in a trance as you drink your coffee. 
“You look like shit.��� 
 “Thanks,” you deadpan, ignoring his cursing. You’re too tired to even scold him for it. 
“I’ll take him,” Nathan says, taking a step towards you. “You go and sleep.” 
“You have the board meeting today – “ 
“Already cancelled it,” he said, gently wrapping his hands around Silas to lift him from you. 
Your shoulders sag in relief as Nathan takes Silas. As soon as the kid knows what’s happening, he immediately starts to cry, stretching his arms out to you as big, fat tears roll down his cheeks. Soon he’s openly sobbing, his voice hoarse from all the crying he’d already done. 
It breaks your heart, but you need to go and sleep. 
“Mama loves you sweetie, but I need to go to bed,” you say to Silas, wiping his tears away as Nathan holds him. “You’ll get lots of cuddles from dada.” 
Silas continues to cry as you give Nathan a quick peck before you disappear quickly towards your bedroom. Out of sight, out of mind (in Silas’s case, anyway). 
Nathan felt Silas’s forehead, satisfied that the kid didn’t have a fever, but picked up the bottle of Tylenol just in case. He got a sippy cup and filled it with water, before looking at Silas. “Come on bud, let’s go sit down,” Nathan says gently, before walking from the kitchen into the living room, medicine and sippy cup in his hand free hand. “We can watch some Bluey, huh? We like Bluey.” 
Silas’s cries soon turned into small whimpers as Nathan places the cup and medicine down within reach and grabs a blanket that was bundled up on the other side of the couch, which was coincidentally hiding Silas’s favourite pacifier (which was promptly placed in Silas’s mouth). Nathan gets them both settled on the couch wrapped in the soft blanket, which faintly smelled of you and Silas, before turning the TV on, switching to Bluey. 
Silas goes quiet from his place on Nathan’s lap, laying his head against father’s shoulder as he watches the TV, his eyes still watery from unshed tears. After a few moments, he subconsciously reaches up and threads his fingers through Nathan’s beard, just holding on lightly. Nathan was used to it, and it comforted the kid. It wasn’t like it hurt. Silas did the same with your hair when it was in reach. 
After a while, Nathan stroked Silas’s back lightly, finding his own comfort in the closeness of his son. He never thought he’d be doing this; being a dad, sat on the TV and watching a cartoon of a family of dogs. He didn’t see his life going in this direction, settling down and having kids, and Hell, he even enjoys it. It wasn’t until he met you that he even started thinking about these things. 
Nathan gives a small huff through his nose as he takes out the pacifier and offers Silas some water from the sippy cup, which the kid accepts, taking a few sips as his eyes don’t leave the TV screen. The kid looks just as exhausted as you. 
“You feelin’ better, kid?” Nathan said to Silas before turning back to the TV. “Been there bud. Before I had you, when you were just swimmin’ around in my nutsack, before you were even a possibility, I had killer hangovers all the time. Your mom hated it, she always had to tidy up my shit after. It’s not the same, but it still didn’t feel great.” 
Silas doesn’t even react as he held the sippy cup in his hands, watching the TV. Wordlessly, Nathan took the cup back and placed the pacifier back in Silas’s mouth. It wasn’t a few seconds later that Silas buried himself back into Nathan’s shoulder, watching Bluey again, his fingers curling back into Nathan’s beard. 
Nathan went back to stroking Silas’s back for a while, but he soon felt Silas suddenly get heavier. He looks down and sees that his son had fallen asleep, his restless night finally catching up with him. Nathan lightly chuckled to himself, before releasing Silas’s fingers from his beard and trying not to jostle Silas too much as he manoeuvred the kid into a more comfortable position. 
He freezes for a moment when Silas makes a small noise of protest, but Nathan relaxes as his son settles back down. 
Nathan just stares at him for a few moments, still baffled that this kid, this kid, was his. His journey into unexpected love and fatherhood had been a tangled web of conflicting emotions, and challenging, to put it nicely. And he wouldn’t change a Goddamn thing about it. As a man who was engrained in his own brilliance and seclusion, he never foresaw himself entangled in such human...complexities. He made this kid, and not with his genius, or in his lab (although the opportunity was there). He made this kid with you. 
Fuck, he loves you so much he willingly made a kid with you. 
He sighs in content as he sits back on the couch, his head leaning on the back of it. He closes his eyes, happy to just sit and feel the rise and fall of Silas breathing against his chest. 
Hours later, you emerge from the bedroom with a yawn, rubbing the sleep from your eyes. It's suspiciously quiet. You were half expecting the sounds of an upset infant. You walk towards the living room, where you pause, your heart melting at the sight. 
Nathan was fast asleep on the couch, his head hanging over the back, his hands securely on Silas’s back as the kid sleeps against Nathan’s chest, one hand in Nathan’s beard, the other curled up towards his own chest. Bluey was still playing on the TV at a low volume.
You snap a quick photo, giggling quietly to yourself. You deem it Nathan’s newest desktop wallpaper. 
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penny-anna · 1 year ago
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i bought a flat this week.
was off work sick last thursday/friday with what turned out to be the beginnings of a bad cold but at the time i was just like 'oh no why am i so tired is this the return of the Mystery Fatigue'
let's backtrack for a second!! back when i had the offer accepted on my flat my solicitor suggested october 6th as a move in date and i was like sure that works (this was around the beginning of september). then i didn't hear anything from them for many days and then i started getting major dry eye problems that became all consuming so i didn't get around to chasing them.
anyway!! tuesday last week i get an email from my solicitor like 'hi are you still able to complete friday' and i did not have the headspace to deal with it so i didn't reply
Wednesday my solicitor calls like 'hi. we need to know if you want to complete friday'. i'm like 'actually i'm really not feeling well this week, could we postpone'. she calls back a few minutes later like 'they cannot postone'. at this point i'm still thinking that if i get a decent night's sleep i'll feel better so i tell her i'll deal with it in the morning.
Thursday i feel spectacularly worse. have to get up to go to an appointment with my optometrist. almost start crying in their office bcos i'm just so exhausted. (he seemed weirdly unfazed by this?? looking back i wonder if he thought my eyes were hurting or something and didn't realise that i was holding back tears gfhglj) call out sick from work.
plan is to take a nap and then look at the documents my solicitor sent over but she calls me again like 'hi. sorry to bother you i know you're sick but can we complete today' so i'm like ah shit ig we're doing this now. please walk me through exactly what you need me to do here. 'we just need you to send us the money'. yeah i can do that. i've never made a payment this big before tho.
(i'm buying w money inherited from my mother so even for a flat purchase it's an unusually large amount of money)
'oh yeah you won't be able to that online. *pause* are you well enough to go to the bank?' i am tired enough that going to the bank will suck but not so sick i cannot go to the bank.
i had gone fully back to bed. spurred on by sudden wave of adrenaline, get out of bed and dressed and get the bus into town to the bank.
my bank closes at 3pm weekdays and by the time i get that it's about 1:45. explain the situation. turns out that to make a payment this big you need a sit-down meeting with a member of staff and they are booked solid till 3. 'can you come back tomorrow at 9:30 when we open' *dying inside* yes. i can come back tomorrow at 9:30.
go home. remember that i'd told my manager that i'd call her at 9 to let her know if i'm going to be working (i will defo not be working & she knows this) which will be tricky if i have to leave at 9 to go to the bank. have a pretty interminable IM conversation via microsoft teams about this wherein i suggest i message her first thing and call a bit later and she isn't going for it. eventually agree to call at 9 just so i can end the conversation and go to sleep.
Friday morning end up calling my manager from the bus. get to bank. whole thing takes a full 30 minutes so yeah i can see why they couldn't fit me in thursday afternoon ghfdljkfhdj. i'm so so tired. they have to go over a whole fraud prevention statement with you. 'you should be aware that scammers can pretend to be your solicitor'. me, exhausted: okay what if just this one time. a scammer is pretending to be my solicitor.
make the payment. go home to sleep finally.
later in the afternoon get another call from the solicitor. 'hi we have the keys you can come get them whenever'. oh yeah i'd been so caught up in trying to get them the money i'd kinda forgotten about. actually getting the flat.
(side note at no point was i planning to move in on 'moving day', an advantage of being a first time buyer is that i don't have to & i want to redecorate the place which is easier while it's empty)
initially say i'll come in next week but then realise that ideally next week i'll be back at work (i am not but anyway) so i might as well go now. it's pushing 4pm so will need to head out ASAP.
eyes are very dry and itchy from sleeping all day but fortunately i just (on a recommendation from my optometrist) bought a thing called a facial sauna which is a very weird contraption but does work extremely quickly.
pack my eye drops and also a peanut butter sandwich to eat in my new flat (why not) and go get the keys.
arrive at the flat. on inspection realise that the envelope i've been given seems to contain the most random assortment of loose keys. eventually identify an actual set of keys.
put my key in the lock of the flat door. abruptly hear a cat meowing, somewhere very close by.
previous owner had cats (plural) (i know this bcos i saw them when i was viewing the place). have a sudden moment of panic that i've somehow wildly misunderstood the whole situation and that she and her cats are still in residence.
look down. there is a very large, very fluffy white cat standing next to me, looking up at me as if expecting to be let in.
'you can't come in. this is my house.'
make my first mistake: think that if i open the door i will be able to prevent the cat from entering.
cat goes straight on into my flat.
i'm now pursuing the cat from room to room saying 'hey! hey you can't be in here! this is my house!'. the cat doesn't give a shit for obvious reasons (it is a cat)
i might have considered just shooing the cat outside and shutting the door but have arrived at an IMO not unreasonable concern. cat seemed very determined to enter this flat in particular and is now roaming around as if looking for something. previous owner had multiple cats and moved out AFAIK today. i have heard stories about people accidentally leaving cats behind when they move.
at this point it's 4:55 on a Friday. call my solicitor and explain the situation. ask if she could pass on a message to the seller's solicitor. unfortunately they have already closed for the week so it will have to wait till Monday but she will do her best.
decide the next course of action is to see if the cat has any ID. the cat is wearing a harness & collar so might have a tag with an address. make my second mistake: pick the cat up.
the cat does not have any ID on the harness. the cat does NOT like being picked up. cat gets very squirmy and then begins scratching me. cat manages to break my skin through a hoodie.
i put the cat down. the cat hisses at me. this is very rude considering that it is in my house.
head across the landing to see if the people opposite are missing a cat or, failing that, know their neighbours well enough to recognise the cat. there's no answer.
however!! i hear a voice down in the stairwell that sounds like it could be someone calling out a cat's name. 'hi!! is someone down there looking for a cat?' no answer.
look down the stairwell. on the ground floor there is a very large fluffy brown cat wearing a harness. !!!!! that is my cat's friend!
retrieve the cat from my flat (fortunately it just follows me out) and head downstairs. am met partway up by the cat's owner.
'oh thank god is this your cat'. it is her cat. apparently she had opened her front door to let them out into the garden and it had wandered off. 'i just moved in today it came into my flat'.
she is very apologetic. cat is unrepetent.
go back inside. call my solicitor's office. 'hi was it you i spoke to just now about the cat' (I told 2 people about the cat) 'no i just answered the phone because it was ringing. what cat.' 'can you tell *solicitor's name* that i have found the cat's owner. she will know what you mean'.
problem solved!! time to eat my peanut butter sandwich. :)
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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 3 months ago
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This is the by far the least important thing from my day, but I've just got back to the Air B&B at midnight and am feeling weirdly overwhelmed and like if I think too hard about the important parts of my day (incredible city, amazing experiences at comedy and even music shows) it'll be too much. Genuinely not sure why I've come away from that with the feeling that I can't think about it too hard. It got difficult at the end of the day. But it was really really good.
Okay I think I'd like to turn off my brain by writing a report on the least important thing about the day, so. Comedian spotting. In the afternoon I saw a guy near me on the street and very, very nearly said hello to him, because my brain did that thing it does where it recognizes someone and goes "You're supposed to say hello now." I came so close to saying that before realizing of course I've not seen someone I know, I am in a foreign country, I looked slightly closer and it was Ed Night.
I'm so glad I did not accidentally say hello to Ed Night. What would I say to Ed Night? "I really liked you on Roast Battle that one time, you were so good that it almost made me stop hating myself for watching something as shit as Roast Battle. I liked you so much that I looked you up and could only find a couple of your short stand-up sets on YouTube, but I liked those a lot, and I read some stuff about what your comedy is usually like and thought it sounded great. And then for a couple of years I became weirdly beholden - weirdly because it was based on such small scraps of evidence - to the idea that you might be one of my favourite comedians if only you were famous enough for me to hear your stuff from Canada. I even braved the website Tik-Tok just to see your sketches, and I found about 75% of them funny. When you started your podcast I tried to get into it but found it actively annoying. I've sometimes thought I should give it another chance, but then I saw those clips going around Tumblr that suggest you're now famous for making Ed Gamble read pornography on a podcast, and amazingly, I have already heard another comedian make Ed Gamble do that, I don't need to hear you get in on that too. Anyway I've gotten off topic but I have dedicated a fairly prime timeslot in my Edinburgh schedule to you despite not having a whole lot to go on for my belief that I'd really like your stuff if I knew it, so please be worth it."
It's probably good that I didn't accidentally say hello to him and then end up in that conversation. Though once I looked close enough to recognize Ed Night, I realized he was hanging out with Jordan Brookes and the guy from Crizards, both of whom were in the show I saw last night. So I've had several comedian sightings but always of the same few people. Until the very end of the day, that is, when Rhys Nicholson sat behind me during Lou Wall's show.
I am too tired and possibly burned out on thinking about art to write about the actual shows. I saw everything that was on my schedule today. All were at least good, most were great. I was joking about how Emma Sidi needs to win Champion of Edinburgh this year to keep up Taskmaster's streak of having one winner per season since 13 (Bridget Christie, John Kearns, Jenny Éclair, Sam Campbell, John Robins) - that was a joke I made because Sidi is the only season 18 contestant who could theoretically do it - but having seen her show today, Jesus Christ, she fucking might. Incredible show, I thought. Kiri Pritchard-McLean nearly made me cry. I can't believe I almost failed to fit Susie McCabe into my schedule because that was such a strong hour - better than last year, I think, and I booked this one because I liked her 2023 show so much - I'd hate to have missed it. Okay that's all I've got. Very big day and very busy and at least I'm doing it in reasonable weather.
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iwaasfairy · 2 years ago
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Heyo Fairy!! I hope your day/night/evening/morning/afternoon is going amazingly, and that you never forget that you are that bitch! (Affectionate, obv) Seriously, I remember when I first started having these "darker" thoughts about characters and I was like 'What the fuck is wrong with me?' and then years later, I find your and Rhi's blog. Y'all let me realize that it's perfectly normal to think these things, even if those who don't, or deny that they do, think otherwise. So, seriously, thank you, y'all mean so, so, SO MUCH to me! Like big sisters that help me see there's nothing wrong with me, even if people I know irl would say "wtf?" 🥹
Ahhh, sorry, that was so fucking sappy! 🫣 I just wanted to ya know that it really does mean a lot to people like me, and your other followers, that y'all are brave enough to post the things you do despite all the little bitches that try and tear y'all down 🥹
... That was sappy again 🤦🏻‍♀️ y'know what, what the fuck ever, I'm just a soft person when it comes to emotions and shit, I'll deal with it 😤
That all being said, I can't belIEVE it took me this long to comment on 2 of Cups! Okay, so, when part 1, and 2, came out, I had no idea who Rin and Sae were. I didn't even know what Blue Lock was, just that it's a manga/anime. I was like oh, okay, cool! I read part one anyway, and was all like "... I gotta watch this. If the anime isn't out yet, I gotta watch it as soon as it DOES come out." (I'm an anime only, because I almost always give characters the exact same voice if I have nothing to go off of 😒 I struggle with it fr fr. anYWAY—) So, I don't... Think? I'd read part 2 yet, tbh I think I completely forgot about it, the memory is NOT good, I'm so sorry! So when the anime DID come out, I wasn't actually aware 😅 until they uploaded episode, like... 10? Or 11? Of the English Dub? AnywAY! THE POINT Is, I started watching because of things I've read, I was TIRED of looking up every single character when I read about them 😭 SO, I watched, got caught up to where it is now, and am waiting for the next episode, and you mention 2 of Cups part 3 is coming out, and I was like "oH SHIT, I REMEMBER READING PART 1!" So, I went back, read parts 1 and 2, absolutely ADORED them, despite the pain 🥹 Like, Rin's pining, but not wanting to do anything because of SAE, that little bitch, that won't admit he's the sAME and keeps being an AsS when Rea-chan and Rin are even remotely affectionate, AaAAAAHHHH! And I was so exCITED for part 3! And then part 3 came out, and... It absolutely bLEW MY IMAGINATION OUT OF THE PARK, LIKE!! !! I dunno, what I was expecting to happen, but I'm so happy it went the way it did! I mean, yeah, sure, it hURT, what with Sae continuing to be an ass, and RIn, poor rIN! Sweet baby, he's so! I can't even begin to espresso how in absolute awe I'm in of this mASTERPIECE! It keeps me up at night, thinking about it, and about what may happen next. Like, did Sae go back to, I think it was... Spain? Did he just go somewhere else for the time being, and he'll be back? Will Rin give in to his fantasies? Will he be soft and gentle if he does? Would he absolutely destroy Rea-chan with his roughness? Would he start off gentle, and then lose it?
So many questions, but I can wait to have them answered; I know you work incredibly hard, and that writing really takes time 🥰 PLUS, we can't have you not sleeping! The Queen of Fairies needs her sleep, she must rest and take care of herself 🥺 Love you much, take care!! 🥰
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firST OF ALL,no yOURE THAT BITCH!!!! YOU ARE! YOU ARE! wtfFDSGD thIS IS SO FUCKING SWEET im gonna cry and scREam !!! ♡♡♡ yes iT is totally normal for you to thrive off of taboo, tIS ouR little bug brains,, and alSO IM MASTER OF SAP i doNT MIND YOU BEING SAPPY PLS THIS IS SO SWEEETTTTTT :/ makes me cry. i hope you know i see every like and rb and i get the dumbest fondest grin on my stupid face any time you're in my notifs, or def when you send an ask or a comment or anything i jUST mELT
and stOPPDbhFu MASTERpiECE i??FYFDyd pLS pls pls oml iM SO VERY VERY HAPPY you LIKED thE FIc and iM bery happy i decided to give myself room for a part 4 bc i think iLL need iT im just Too foND of thEm!! and YES oml manY quESTions right??? i! haven't figured them all out yet so i can't exactly tell you everything but i do know that Sae's still in Japan, he's not yet going back to Spain,, i think Sae just can't handle the idea of rea-chan being with Rin and a similar grudge against him,, and :))) heheh for the smut :))) we shall have to wait and see
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timeoverload · 4 months ago
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I don't know what the hell my problem was yesterday but I'm feeling a little better today. I was just crying off and on all day yesterday. I was getting upset about things that weren't a big deal. I have just been a wreck lately and I apologize for that. I don't like being moody and bitchy. I hate feeling that way.
I don't want to talk about work too much because I know it gets old. I had a long day as usual. I had 14 cases this morning and 17 this afternoon.
The morning was ok aside from losing the adapter for my spray hose in decontam. I looked for it everywhere. I even dug through my trash. I tore down 7 sterile pans to look for it and it wasn't in there so I had to redo all of those for nothing. It never turned up so I'm frustrated about that because the one I had for back up sucks and it falls off more than the other one. They don't want to buy me a new sprayer for my sink because they are so expensive. It gets used so much that the handle falls off so I'm constantly having to put it back together. My air hose is the same way. I don't know why they can't invest in new shit for me. I have been wanting a new ultrasonic for a while because the one I have isn't great. Both of the ultrasonics we use have caught on fire before but we are still using them because they don't want to pay to replace them. They have been repaired but they still have a lot of problems. I understand they are very expensive but I know they make enough profit to cover it.
The afternoon really sucked and I'm proud of myself for not crying. My legs hurt from rushing around. I really can't handle all of that by myself anymore. It is getting to be too much. My label printer also broke and I spent like 20 minutes trying to recalibrate it but I was unsuccessful. I have really bad luck with printers and I hate them. Hopefully I don't have to call IT in the morning but I will try to figure it out myself first. I was also annoyed because everyone just ignores me when I say I am overwhelmed or they say, "wow, you look busy!" and walk away. I try to help them when I can but that doesn't matter. The evening team lead was nice and told me he would clean up the last case so I could go home on time. I was so grateful for that because I felt like I was going to collapse if I stayed any longer.
I was planning on stopping for food on my way home but decided not to. I really need to go to the store but it has been scaring me lately. I get panicky at the store. There's just too many people there most of the time. I have things I can eat so I will be ok. I ate breakfast and lunch. I regret buying lunch though. I asked for half of a chicken enchilada and I paid $8 for it. I didn't notice how disgusting it looked until after I paid for it. The cheese on top was so burned that it was inedible and I had to pick it off. I ate what I could but it tasted like shit. I'm not a good cook but I know I could do better than that. I am going to ask to look at the food next time before I buy it since it's covered up in the warmer. I don't want to keep buying food there.
Anyway, I have been thinking about how it's difficult for me to be the person I want to be. I don't feel like I can do that in my current environment. I enjoy being close to my family but I need to get out of this room. I have no space to be productive or do a lot of the things I enjoy. I am constantly tripping and falling. I can hardly get into my refrigerator right now. Sometimes I have to sit in the dark so I don't have to see my mess. I have been getting spider bites while I'm sleeping so I don't enjoy that. I really don't like living the way I do and I know that it's my fault. I wish I didn't feel like shit all the time so I could do more. I also need to leave my toxic job. I feel like a plant that has outgrown it's pot. I want to go outside. I want to try to do new things but I have a hard time with that due to my hyperfixations with other stuff. I have always had trouble with that. I used to get made fun of for wanting to do the same things all the time but I can't help it because that's the way my brain works. I never understood why I did that until I found out that I'm autistic. I would like it if someone could expose me to new experiences because that might help me. I need someone around to help me have more fun. I want to laugh more. I don't want to have the same routine all the time because that has made my life so monotonous. I feel like I don't have much of a personality anymore and I'm boring.
I'm just really tired right now. I don't even know if I'm making sense. I was having trouble talking to people towards the end of the day because my brain was malfunctioning. I kept stuttering and it was difficult to find the right words to say so that was embarrassing. I think I need to relax now. I don't have much else to talk about anyway. I wish I had more positive things to say. I hope the next 2 days aren't quite as intense.
Thank you for all for listening to me vent and putting up with me when I am grumpy. I appreciate you. I hope you all have a wonderful day tomorrow. 💖💖💖
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lemonflowercat · 8 months ago
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75 soft: day 9
weird feelings in my head today. I think the it's mainly guilt over feeling like I'm not doing enough. I feel fat and ugly, I feel like I'm letting precious time slip through my fingers and my exam is going to be a shit-show again.
I think my guilt is being triggered by
a. that I ate a big fast food meal last night. it's supposed to be "cheat meal" but I despise myself for even wanting it, and I feel like I can't trust myself because I went over my calorie limit twice last week.
b. skipping my evening wxo to do chores yesterday, and that the day before I didn't finish a wxo. I'm dreading getting fat. The 4 kilos I've gained since last May weigh so heavy on me, I want to cry. i don't know how to not hate myself over being inconsistent.
c. February is coming to an end and I've barely made any progress with studying. I have 19 subjects to cover by April and here I am, doing 1 for the past 2 weeks. I disgust me hahaha.
I'm feeling decidedly slump-y and this is where it's coming from. how hilarious is it that the very thing that's bothering me - my ineptitude to get things done, is pushing me to not do said things even more? everything feels chaotic and out of control and I just want to run away from it all.
[x] morning yoga/walk/run x6d/w
did some back bend loaded yoga this morning. it was great but I feel like shit anyway
[] meditate x at least 15min every afternoon
skipped. A was home early today so I made him lunch in that time.
[x] study 42h/w: 37h 30m to go 34h 30m to go
i tried to pacify Dora Milaje by putting on cute home-wear and blue eyeliner - i looked at myself in the mirror and said to her, look, i am cute. i guess it worked? lol. i did manage to get in 2 hours of studying after that.
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also, to feel less out of control, i wrote down my priorities. i told myself these are the only 2 things that need to happen today.
except for the quick notes on protein IEMs, they all did! :)))
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[x] evening wxo x6/w
30m HIIT because apparently that's all my stamina is now? hehe. it was great fun!
[x] [x] [x] 1 raw veggie or a fruit x3 meals
- green grapes for morning snack (yea GGs are the fkn best
- and i had them for lunch+dinner too, ok) w a lettuce cherry tomato cucumber salad for both meals
can we pls just take a moment to appreciate my lunch plate (':
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also, uncle-aunty (who own this farm) gave me fresh veggies this morning! literally watched aunty pluck these radish out of the bathtubs they grow them in (((: so excited and so grateful! looking forward to eating these raw/minimally cooked.
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[x] 1400cal x6/week
[x] progress picture/day x6/w
[x] 2.5L of water/day
it's getting so hot, this goal is soon gonna have to be up-ed.
[x] brush before bed
[x] no media consumption (one movie/d allowed) - for freezes and PMS days
watched Poor Things today! creative funny thoughtful emotional movie w AMAZING FASHION INSPO ☆ I loved it, also I really like Emma Stone.
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takoichigo · 1 year ago
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Haven't written in a while. Honestly it's hard to string thoughts together now without getting distracted halfway through or rambling on forever.
I watched an entire season of RuPaul's Drag Race today. I'd never seen an episode but since watching Dungeons and Drag Queens I have had my curiosity piqued. I don't typically watch reality competition shows (unless they're on Food Network) but I really liked it a lot. It also made me have some thoughts about my wardrobe, and about making things, and generally I feel a little inspired. It's much more creative than I expected and I love that. Also, I love shiny things and colors and I'm trying to learn a bit more grace and femininity.
Pain has been pretty bad lately if I'm honest. The last week or so have been very rough. I turned down company yesterday because I had a fairly traumatic releasing of the contents of my colon in the morning, and it took me all day to not hurt anymore. Hurting constantly is one of the worst things about this. Like the pain when I go to the bathroom is worse, but it goes away. When it just aches all day and I don't get relief from it, it's hard to even just watch something. It's exhausting. I'm pretty sure yesterday I was nearly totally blocked up. It hurt in weird places and I felt really nauseous beforehand. Nothing has really made me nauseous up til this point. I was a little this morning too, but overall it's been a little better today. I think I need to be really careful about eating when I take my meds, and I definitely don't think jumping in the tub is an option in the morning anymore, the heat made everything way worse.
Home health is coming tomorrow afternoon to get me started on physical therapy, which I am looking forward to a little bit. Anything to get me feeling normal again, please. Everything is so empty right now and I feel lonelier than I think I ever have. The endless shaking my legs do is really getting bothersome. It's like they don't want to hold me up anymore. Even when I'm laying down they shake. And my left knee needs to stop locking up. I've had some really bad scares this week from it doing that. It's also really fucking painful.
I'm still always tired and I really can't do much of anything for myself. It's a challenge to even walk through my apartment to get from my bed to the bathroom. I don't regret moving my bed to my living room; the bedroom in my apartment is too small to fit a queen mattress with anything else, but the extra walking distance is not great when your body is screaming at you and you can't walk very well.
I think I want to take up crocheting again, I could probably do that while laying down. I kinda want a new laptop too, or a tablet so I can maybe draw while lying on my stomach or something. Something not messy that doesn't require too much effort to set up or set aside.
Things are going to get better. I have to believe that they will. It's hard when I'm all alone. And I do have good friends that have been helping as much as they can. But not the ones I expected. I'm pretty sad about that. Haven't seen either of the people who volunteered to be my medical POA in at least a month. Not in person anyway. And one of them maybe hates me now. And that's making me really upset. I can't think about it or I cry. It's easy to make me cry anyway (shit I did it like 5 times watching Drag Race and twice in the bathroom today at least just from feeling bad and being afraid) but I don't really want to cry. I don't want to have these stupid hot flashes either but that's what we get for cooking my ovaries with a big radioactive beam I guess.
I was tired a little while ago and I thought if I wrote out my thoughts it'd help me relax a bit more so I could sleep, but now I'm just overly warm and sad. And my neighbor across the hall is being really loud. And I didn't get any of the stuff done today that I wanted to get done, except for taking a shower. And then I had a hot flash anyway and was drenched in sweat again a couple hours later.
I hate this all so much. I just want to feel normal again. I want to drive and see my friends and go do things and enjoy my life. Because this isn't life. It's just waiting, either for good news or for death. And while I have a lot of patience with humans, I don't have the most for feeling bad and being alone all the time.
Anyway. I'm gonna mindlessly scroll for a bit now and hope something bores me enough that I get at least a couple hours of sleep.
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spookyornot · 1 year ago
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Untitled (Lost Kid at Home Despot)
CWs: missing child (child is fine)
Spooky Rating: 0/10
Scary Rating: 0/10
Summary: Dude's kid wandered off when they were at Home Depot and it scared him.
Currently the top comment story, this should be disqualified on the grounds of (a) neither spooky nor scary, (b) this happens to nearly every parent at some point why is this even here, much less the top comment. I was the low energy, good kid and I lost my parents at least twice and they found me both times have conned nearby responsible adults into giving me milk and cookies
Link: https://jezebel.com/scary-story-contest-halloween-1850886671#reply_1850893772
Comment text under the cut.
[I would just link the comments rather than copy/pasting the comment text but the permalink only does the article link and the point of this is partly so that people can avoid scrolling past comments that trigger them so here we are. I'm linking with the comment ID anyway, just for accountability's sake, though it definitely doesn't work in chrome. Go to the page at least once to give them the clicks.]
If anyone has a way to link to specific comments on a website running Kinja, let me know. Otherwise, we will continue as we have started.
User: The Ghost of James Madison's Rage Boner
10/02/23 7:50pm
This will probably not read as too scary, but it scared the absolute shit out of me at the time. My youngest kid as a toddler/youngster could not be contained. He was absolutely fearless and had no sense of self preservation. He was prone to just bolting off without warning when something caught his eye, and he was fast. If you ever see parents with their kids on a toddler leash, those are likely kids like mine. We never put him on a leash, but we probably should have. At the time this happened, he was around four. One thing he loved doing was coming to Home Depot with me to look at all the stuff they had on display, and to get a hot dog at the food truck that was always parked outside. It was a typical busy Saturday afternoon – people everywhere, cars coming and going constantly. I normally held onto his hand for obvious reasons, but at one point I had to let go while I’m looking at something on the shelf. Then I look down. He’s gone. Not five seconds had gone past. I look up and down the aisle – there’s no sign of him either. I go to the nearest cross aisle and look there. Nothing. I start to get worried, but surely he’s close by right? I walk around looking in the aisles on either side. Zip. He’s done this before, though, and I can usually find him quickly. But today he’s completely vanished. Maybe two or three minutes have elapsed by this point. Someone notices my agitation and asks what’s wrong. I tell them about my kid. “You need to ask for a Code Adam,” he says. Now I’m starting to panic. The possibility that he might have been abducted hasn’t really entered my mind until this moment, but it rushes in with a vengeance. This a big, busy store with a lot going on and a lot of dads with their kids. Someone carrying a crying child out of the door would draw little or no attention. I find a staffer and ask for a Code Adam. They immediately close down the store. I run around looking for my kid, but he’s still no where to be found. I try to calculate exactly how long it was between the last moment I saw him and when they called the Code Adam. I know it’s enough time for him to get taken. If he was, he would be long gone, but I don’t know what else to do except keep running around the store looking for him. By this point, it’s been at least five minutes since he disappeared. I start thinking of that scene in Minority Report when Tom Cruise’s kid is abducted. I’ve confirmed every stereotype of the careless father. My life is over. My kid will be dead and my wife will divorce me. Then a guy comes up and asks, “Hey, is your son wearing a green corduroy jacket? I think he’s in the kitchens.” He was wearing exactly that. I run clear across the store to the kitchen displays and find him around the back playing with the faucets. He was at the opposite end of the building from where I’d lost him and must have just decided to run over there. I scoop him up and tell the staff to clear the Code Adam. That afternoon took ten years off my life.
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monumentalslutt · 1 year ago
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i’m about to start crying over y ex wtf i’m too stoned for this rn .⁉️ but literally feel like he will never ever realise how much the shit he did hurt me and the fact that he always just acted like he never fucking cared. but it’s not his fault, it’s probably just an experience that was meant to happen for me i guess 😂😂 universe wanted to really make sure i end up turnin like jade or something anyways. i still care about him and i think i always will, i just wish he knew how the things made me feel too, and it hurts my feelings he didn’t care enough to even try fix things he was just like ok well i never have to see u again anyways stupid cunt and ur hot friends are still here so win win 😜😜😜😜 he didn’t say that but i bet u that’s like the train of thought anyways, i still care about him obviously. i think i always will like no matter what he does or how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other i’ll always care about him, but i will just like make sure he’s okay from a very far away, i check if he’s still following me on pinterest every once and a while to make sure he doesn’t fully not give a fuck abt me because then i will be sad because i still care about him and would like help him if he ever needed idk imagine like an emergency situation sorry i’m really stoned and am just really enjoying typing but it’s really hard to stay focused on trying to write down my thoughts and feelings and yassss i’m actually so excited for tomorrow i’ve never been to a guys house other than my ex. that also makes me mad bcs how come he gets so many bitches and i get none like where are the hoes at am i right like, i need him to give me some pointers or like tips on how to talk to new people i hate having to meet new people it’s awful and i’m just painfully awkward most the time it’s literally shameful ugh anyways yasss my first hoe but i’m very nervous because ive literally never even had a conversation with him like hes literally never even been like hey how are you ????? but it’s fine i know what he looks like and where he lives and. i know he’s not a 40 year old man ok don’t fret but i’m really scared hes gonna wanna fuck bcs i’m late for my period bcs eatin disorders am i right i habe no idea when it will come back anyways YEAH so i’m not around ovulation bcs i have kinda temporarily fucked all that up ANYWQYS yeah so bro better have lube and condoms kiddinf i am not fucking a random guy sorry and no matter who i fuck or how long i’ve known them lights off ❌❌❌❌❌❌ i’m literally a virgin but for if it happen, actually i feel weirdly insecure about being a virgin because like i don’t know i feel like a nun but also the fact i’ve never done it makes me nervous and i really don’t like the idea of having to be naked with somebody else sorry i literally cannot stand my limbs and i also feel like i would somehow have an ugly fanny so nobody is EVER seeing my fanny, never ever letting anyone eat me out sorry that actually sounds awful bcs brutha WHAT IF I SMELT VAD OR TASTED FUNNY or what if i had a hairy but crack??? or a no what if my flaps are too small or too big like no absolutely not anyways sorry idk why i just started talking ahout all of that i’m still fretting ahout what to wear i’m literally just going to his house so i feel like purple shorts would work BUT i fucking hate my legs and what if he is like jump scared by how i look irl and what if he didn’t realise i had such funny looking body oh my lord 🙈🙈🙈🙉🙈🙈 what the freak bro anywys i’m getting doordash hungry jacks is supposed to be here and i’m trying to eat a bit this evening because i’m fuckin constipated and i really cant be constipated tomorrow afternoon bcs ?!!!! no absolutely not now i’m really scared that i have head lice bcs today i nit treated my friends hair bcs she got nits from a 2 year old literally stay away from all children’s heads and also i literally am at a daycare two days a week and i swear to god i can feel shit crawling omg wtf is happening ok no nevermind i do not have head lice i was geekin anyways new chains same shackles is so good mwah
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commanderquinn · 1 year ago
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Good Space Chapter 3: Hey Gringo
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! i dont! keep these posts! updated! like i do! ao3!
that means you're going to find typos and shit (and possibly minor detail changes) that don't match the ao3 version! that's because im not going to bother fixing the tumblr posts until i finish good space as a whole. im only uploading them here as a backup tbh
master list / ao3 chapter link
warnings: ayyy!! none this time!! unless you wanna count Highly Disrespectful Thoughts ❤️ tho!!! the flashbacks are shuri, heads up for anyone who is a big baby (like me) and still crying over WF. also (shocker) bucko angst/panic attacks
song: it KALEO time!! istg there are golden oldies and hippie classics on this intended playlist, we just havent gotten to them yet. this choice is mega self-indulgent on my end ngl, buuuuut thats the whole fic in general lbr (side note: every time i write Angy Ava, i want you to imagine the vocal intensity of jefferson airplane’s lead singer, grace slick)
the timing of this chapter could NOT have been better with the probably-russian hackers knocking out ao3 that long. i mean it dude, im pretty sure the universe had a good chuckle over this one bc i sure as shit had to sit here and go “youre pullin my leg bud”
also now feels like a good time to mention, for absolutely no reason in particular (definitely not bc of Bucky being a Huge Simp this chapter), that i hc bucky as a dom with service top leanings. i just didnt wanna give the impression that reader is dom for this and accidentally get anyones hopes up with no payoff. i try to avoid that as much as i can bc god knows i drop Big Honkers on y’all every damn chapter, id hate for you to get all the way to the end of this and not get your cookie, y’know? (i am, ofc, down to write mega sub bucky for smut-shot requests)
also remember when i mentioned giving ava a HANDFUL of physical details for writing fuel? 🌝 (ur gonna think im funny rlly soon, dw)
anyways if you dont have adhd, good luck and god speed with the idiots thinkin abt each other in this chapter ❤️ im so sorry in advance 🥺😔
Febuary 17th, 2015
"Good morning, Sh—"
"Have you left your worthless husband yet?" Shuri impatiently taps a finger against her elbow, where her arms are crossed over her chest. 
She watches Ava sigh on the other end of the vidcall. The woman looks too tired. She needs rest. Shuri wants to stab Alec all over again. She's going to make a new, self-lacing, possibly electrified dagger just for the occasion. "I know you're just trying to—"
"We can come to get you. I will send T'Challa. You must promise me that you will have him get me something from Washington." Shuri raises a stern finger, pointing it directly at the camera. "Do not let him pick it out himself—"
"Shuri, honey, I love you with all my heart, but please—"
"I want you to pick it. The furniture in your office is ridiculous; I want something like that."
A smile far too small pulls at the corners of Ava's lips. Her smile used to move freely, and it will do so again if Shuri has any say in the matter. Which she does. "Well, thank you, I work very hard to keep it ridiculous. Now—"
"It will make me think of you whenever you are not around to make fun of my brother with me. My mother will get the lawyers you need to start your divorce—"
"I—sweetheart, please, it's been a very long night—"
"It is the afternoon where you are. You have not even had breakfast, have you? Of course not. You are busy doing the work while Alec—"
"Shuri!" Ava puts a hand over her eyes and takes an unsteady breath in. "I'm sorry. This is—it's been a long night. I didn't mean to yell at you—"
"You need to start yelling much more, Ava. Aim it at your worthless husband while you tell him you are leaving," Shuri argues, entirely fed up with how the doctor allows the spineless dickhead to make her miserable. "T'challa will remove him for you while you stay here with us."
Alec—she refuses to call him Ryder; the man does not deserve to have taken the doctor's name—leans into the camera view, his expression bored. Dismissive. Shuri wants to smash his wrinkling, greasy face in with her fist. "While I appreciate the offer, your majesty, my wife and I can handle our private life alone."
Shuri glares back at him, one of her eyebrows hiked as far up as she can comfortably get it. "Do you really think being aware of your presence on this call will deter me from reminding my friend that you are a demon?" She looks pointedly at Ava, who's still covering her eyes. "He is a demon. A pasty, rude demon."
"Alec is going to shut the fuck up now, I promise." The fingers over Ava's eyes pull in until she's pinching the bridge of her nose tightly. She looks as if she's fighting off a migraine. She probably is. And it is Alec's fault. "That way, we can get this over with, and I can finally get some sleep—"
"Which you need and are not getting enough of." The words slip out before Shuri can stop them. 
Ava's shoulders deflate slightly. Her hand drops, and she attempts another smile that doesn't reach her eyes, making Shuri feel a pang of guilt. "No, I'm not. But I will, just as soon as we finish the basic adaptation matrix. I promise."
Ava always encourages her to speak her mind, no matter what. Sometimes it gets her into trouble. She is not looking to berate her favorite Canadian; she loves leaving the vidcomm between their labs on. The open connection is a comforting window into the outside, one that lets Shrui indulge in any question or raving that passes through her mind. 
Alec is a poison in her friend's life, and Shuri will not back down from reminding her of that. But mother and Nakia have sat with her over this, explaining that sometimes, an abused heart will cling to what hurts it. They have to be supportive while Ava works through this. She's getting there. Just not nearly fast enough for Shuri's patience.
Father has been reminding them all that Alec is a risk, given what he knows. Trusting Ava means trusting her for the duration, and they can't go back now. If she says she is handling the issue of separating the man from her work, they have to allow her room to do that. But T'Challa has been ordered to keep close, or at the very least, ready to go.
As much as she despises Alec, Shuri does not wish to see Ava hurt in this. Not any more than necessary. She is also not interested in trying to control her friend the way her mother sometimes tries to control her. It is infuriating. 
So, taking a deep breath and squaring her shoulders, she lets some of the fight leave her. For the sake of Ava, not the pasty demon. "I have the latest build ready for transfer." 
"You're sure you've secured the connection on your end?" Alec has the audacity to question, even outside of the frame. "I'm not interested in spending my week chasing traces of this—"
"Do I look as if I will hesitate to strike you, colonizer?!"
"I'm just saying, Humpty Dumpty."
"Fuck off," Bucky wheezes at the billionaire, compressing the towel he grabbed from his new medkit against his ribs. Why he expected to make it through his first mission back without having to crack it open, he's not entirely sure now that he's sitting in the hindsight. Getting shot today was, if he's honest with himself, entirely predictable. It's his luck, after all. 
"We let you out of the house again for five minutes, and you've already broken yourself." Tony shakes his head as he tsk's, making Bucky roll his eyes lazily. "What's Ryder going to think? If you keep this up, you'll give the woman a complex about draining your mojo."
"She's going to think I throw myself in front of armor-piercing rounds for idiots that don't notice when they're being shot at." The mention of Ava brings the doctor's smiling face to the forefront of his mind. Bucky leans back against the Quinjet's co-pilot seat, letting his eyes fall closed. 
He could take care of this latest injury himself. That's what he usually does. Thanks to the serum, all he has to do is keep the wound clean for a few hours while his body stitches itself back together. Nothing's broken, and he'd be in much more pain if anything were punctured. Hell, he'd probably be dead already. The fix for this is so easy it'll practically handle itself.
"You always get so cranky after you've played the hero." He hears Tony kick his feet up on the Quinjet's main controls. "Take a breather. Maybe a bow or two. Believe it or not, it's possible to accept a compliment now and then."
"Grandstand more often, got it."
Ava's probably going to hear about today's incident now that Bucky thinks about it. If anything, Steve's going to make sure of it. He doubts she'd guilt him for not being comfortable with an optional trip to medical. They've been having more conversations about boundaries and comfort, and she's been unwaveringly supportive of him moving at his own pace. 
"You don't have to grandstand, you gigantic baby," Natasha chides from between the chairs. Her hand smacks against his shoulder, making Bucky grunt softly. "A whole new world is going to open up for you when you relearn to accept praise."
Tony snorts, long and loud. "Has he reached that stage of modern education yet?"
"I reached that stage of education before you were born, Stark." Bucky's not territorial over his reputation anymore; those days are long since passed. The grand majority of his mojo got left in the 40s. He's just tired of Tony's shit. That's all it is.
He shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Ava might feel bad that he didn't come to her for something like this. He doesn't... want that. He doesn't want her thinking that he doesn't welcome her help or that he doesn't trust it. He... he does. He doesn't just appreciate having the option; he enjoys it. The new routine is a breeze, and his neck feels better than it ever has. At least that he can remember.
"I'm confused," Tony mumbles around a mouthful of snacks. The man never stops eating. "Are we talking about your no-no years, or did you and Rogers hit up underground bars before Germany?"
"I know all his secrets from the vanilla days; they never went to any of the fun ones," Natasha confirms. It's not like Bucky was going to take the verbal bait anyways. Steve still falls for it regularly. 
"I like how you don't deny having the rest of the answer; I feel like it tells me all I can tolerate about the icicles when it comes to this. That's my favorite part about you, Romanoff. You know when I don't need to know, you know?"
His dumbass friends might as well be background noise with Bucky's mind this firmly in the memory of Ava's office. She's been so good to him, especially over this last week while she pushed through all the red tape for him. He'd been expecting it to take an eternity of hounding Steve all by his lonesome, but she got him back in the field in under two weeks. His best friend had actually been kind of pissy about it behind closed doors. For Bucky, it was like getting sprinkles on top of his cake. 
He's been thinking about getting flowers delivered to her lab for the trouble. It feels like too much whenever his thumb hovers over the confirmation button. He's reached the part of staring at the order details four times.
"I'm pretty sure your country doesn't appreciate it as much as you do. They tend to fight cold wars over it."
"Well, yeah, but our country—you see what I did there? That was a pretty funny communism joke. And it works as a reminder for both of us that you're actually an American citizen these days; isn't that wild? Back to the point here, our country fights wars over stuff we do ourselves all the time, so that doesn't feel like a fair reason to dismiss our friendship."
The doctor's forcing him to expand his music library. Her taste there is as scattered as her taste in movies, but she's got some leading themes he's been able to pin down. The 60s and 70s are huge for her, expectedly, and she's got a lot of nostalgia over the 90s. Paige keeps her versed in all things pop, folk, and country, according to her. 
"If I start referring to the US as my country, you people will expect me to do things like register to vote. Or put up wallpaper."
"I don't think anyone's expecting you to be legally allowed to do that. The voting thing, not the wallpaper. In most states. For multiple reasons. Although, the wallpaper might be a good call."
Ava invited him to their absurdly large archive of playlists during his second session. The ones Paige curates are nothing but insanity. Not one of them makes a lick of sense. Bucky decided that he should have expected that, given her Energizer Bunny reputation. Ava's are less scattered; more organized. Soothing for his mind to digest. He's been using them as workout music ever since. And driving music. And general background noise. 
"I don't think I'd know where to start buying wallpaper. Do you even want me putting that shit on your expensive building?"
"Not really, but the idea of walking in on you rolling paste on the living room walls is worth anything it could take to fix them later."
God, she's funny, too. He could listen to the woman's awful, soul-crushing puns and subsequent cackling for hours. He'll never say that to her face, not for as long as he lives, but they've made him feel lighter every morning that he's gone to let her work him over. He's already stolen two of them to torture Sam with. Another thing he's not going to tell her.
"Maybe I should start smaller. Bruce keeps suggesting a car that has legal registration."
"Heeey, that could work. You'll be signing up for mailing lists and bitching about state tax in no time. You know what?" He hears Tony snap his fingers. "We should get you a houseplant. Work you up to having a fish or something."
Alright. Maybe he'll go to Ava. He doesn't want her to think he's trying to blow off her expertise again. Or that he's avoiding her. He's not; he really does like hanging out in her office. Even if it's technically a medical appointment. He's a lot more eager to visit her than his therapists, that's for sure.
"I am not paying taxes," Natasha scoffs. "If you think I'm tying a legal address to my name, you're out of your fucking mind. Moreso than usual."
"You don't think you'd enjoy having a cave to lurk in?"
"What makes you think I don't have one already?"
"I'm talking about a real house, not a safe house."
This injury isn't related to his cybernetics. It's his ribs, well below any of his implants. He's not entirely out of the loop when it comes to what doctors have to do to get their licenses. She no doubt had to pull a lot of hard hours during her residency. Maybe she doesn't want to patch up the tower's notorious grouch every time he takes a hit. But he doubts she'd ever be impolite enough to refuse him walking in.
"I have my space here: bathroom, laundry room, small kitchen. If I haven't bothered decorating that, what makes you think I'll want to do it for an entire house?"
"Aww, come on. Look at Ryder! She's having all kinds of fun making her place as obnoxious as possible. That could be you after a few online shopping sprees."
Bucky's eyes open slowly, his brows drawing in when the second verbal mention of Ava pulls parts of his attention back to the conversation. 
Fuck, not going to medical still leaves the option of her taking offense. Okay. Alright. So, he'll split the difference and go to emergency intake. He's pretty sure she's listed as his surgical contact in the tower now—he can't stomach looking at his own medical file, not even the written records. Any injury this big will get flagged for trauma support, and she'll be notified. Then it's up to her what she wants to do. That feels like a good compromise.
"She's doing that to reclaim it from Alec; that's different. I don't have the same motivation. For me, it's just going to be extra work.
"Who's Alec?" Bucky asks without thinking. If the universe doesn't hate him today, Natasha's just going to assume he's being his usual kind of paranoid.
"She hasn't mentioned him?" Tony sounds surprised. "Alec's her ex-husband."
Ex-husband? She was married? And she's not anymore, meaning she might be—
He shuts down that train of thought immediately. 
Reclaiming the space of her house implies they lived in it long enough to form some heavy memories. She hasn't mentioned having a kid, and she strikes him as the type to bring up something like that pretty fast. So it was just the two of them, most likely.
"People usually don't like talking about the egocentric sack of shit they used to coexist with," Natasha points out. Of course, she already knows about the doctor's history. It's her.
"Bad divorce?" he prods, trying not to sound overly invested in the answer. These assholes will take it as an invitation.
"Oh, the worst," Tony confirms. "Shithead tried fighting her on it tooth and nail. She had to borrow my legal team just to get the guy to fuck off and leave her alone. He even kept her surname after the divorce; can you believe that?"
An uneasy feeling starts to rise in his gut, making Bucky look over at him. Then up at Natasha. "What kind of won't leave her alone are we talking about?"
"Down, fido, my lawyers took care of it. There's no need to start tailing him. Aside from being a self-absorbed asshole that insists they'll," Tony's voice turns scornful as his fingers form air quotes, "work things out with time, he's toothless." 
"She's got concealed carry permits she earned properly if that makes you feel better," Natasha offers up. The thought does help ease the tension building in him. 
He won't read Ava's file, no matter how bad the buzzing gets. But he might check in with JARVIS about her home security. He's noticed her name on the system logs. She, or at least her house, is linked to SHIELD's network despite her general distrust of the organization. He understands the opposing priorities completely.
He caved and read Wyatt's file two nights ago. The buzzing had been building since Ava mentioned him wanting an autograph, and it finally got to be too much. Nothing's lurking there aside from an impressive list of historians from all the fuck over Georgia and Alabama. The kid's got more family than some towns have population. 
Bucky leans forward with a muted groan to change the autopilot's intended LZ of the Avenger's balcony to the entrance hanger for medical. If he's going to grit his teeth through the antiseptic over a couple small holes, he's damn sure not going to haul his ass through half the tower while his ribs leak. His patience has limits, and that's pretty fucking far over the starting line. 
Tony looks over at him with a deep, suspicious frown. Bucky frowns at him right back with the same level of scrutiny. He can feel Natasha staring a hole into the side of his head, even if he can't catch her in his peripherals. He hates both of them with a passion at the moment. He knows what's about to happen—
"Did you just… prioritize your own health," Tony questions like he's baffled by the very idea. His whole upper body turns in the seat as he looks up at Natasha excitedly. "Oh my god. He's doing it. All by himself." He raises a hand to his chest and looks back at Bucky. "They grow up so fast."
It's good that the autopilot is on. If it weren't, Bucky would be tempted to crash them out of spite, mostly because he's sure he'd survive it. "Very funny."
"All it took was a hippie that gives him candy," Natash adds, her voice dripping with smugness. "Who knew."
"Both of you can fuck off." Bucky doesn't like how close she just got to his primary motivation on the first try. Old habits die hard, et cetera. And he hates that he can't tell if she was trying to guess. If he's lucky, which he isn't, she was just making fun of him.
Natasha knows about his visits to the florist's website; he's fucking convinced of it now. He doesn't know how, and he can't outright call her on it. If he does, he could fuck up and make himself right. There is nothing worse than having the Black Widow as metaphorical family. Not even Steve's hovering.
She and Tony harass him for the remainder of the flight. It's not long, mercifully, and he's starting to regret not grabbing something for the doctor. They were in Montreal, of all places, so it would have been fitting. He figures she'll understand once he shows her his side. The train of thought makes him wonder what part of Canada she's originally from. She hasn't brought it up.
His foot is already bouncing by the time he reaches the elevator. He's still got the surgical towel shoved tightly against his ribs. He hopes she gets there fast if she ends up taking the call. The last thing he wants to do right now is sit around in the burn of antiseptic and bleach while he fights off the urge to bolt. 
This is good, Bucky reminds himself as he takes his first few steps into medical. He's sat through plenty of trips to emergency intake. He can handle walking into his first optional one. It's a non-issue. Completely.
When JARVIS informs him that his file and general vital scan have been submitted for intake, the buzzing gets so intense that he almost leaves. The pace of his sergeant walk, as Sam likes to designate it, slows to a crawl. Then he thinks about a doctor with concealed carry permits. One that lets her house be monitored by a government organization she's actively pushing herself to trust. All in an effort to contribute something good to the world. The buzzing eases, and he picks up his pace, headed for the solo observation room JARVIS listed for him.
There's no moment of standing involuntarily from nerves this time. He doesn't have to force himself to sit back down and wait, even though the room smells wrong. His skin is crawling, and he wants nothing more than to put a throwing knife in his hand like a goddamn security blanket. But he doesn't panic. He doesn't try leaving.
Baby steps.
When the door opens, it's devastating. There's no diminutive hippie with UFO-sized glasses smiling at him on the other side of it. It's a guy in a plain white lab coat without artistic stitching, one that Bucky's never met before in his life. He's already squinting down at a tablet, meaning this will be his doctor for the duration.
This was the worst plan he could have possibly conceived. The universe is humbling him for thinking he could get away with something like this without some kind of suffering. He just wanted to make up for being dismissive of her help initially. Now he gets to sit through this. How fucking grand.
"Barnes?" The doctor that's not Bucky's doctor looks up, his heart rate elevating by a few notches. He's putting in a lot of effort to look confident. It's not exactly working. "I'm Dr. Erickson. I'm guessing you're here for the bullet wounds JARVIS detected?"
"Yup." Bucky's not about to volunteer for small talk at the moment. It's a miracle he hasn't jumped off the biobed yet. "Where's Ryder?"
"Your primary is in a staff meeting at the moment." Erickson puts his tablet down on the supply cabinet's main counter. He's already starting to gather what he needs, leaving Bucky to figure out real quick if he's actually willing to do this. "Don't worry; I'll get you sewn up and on your way in no time."
He doesn't want it getting back to Ava that he bailed the moment she couldn't show up. He doesn't want to leave her with the impression that he's only going to take on medical care if it's her; that's not anywhere near fair. The woman is a brain surgeon, not his private physician. He can grow the fuck up and accept help from people that haven't gone through his gauntlet of verification.
"Great," he pushes out, lifting the side of his undershirt to offer an unobstructed view.
It's not great; it's fucking horrendous. The first touch of the new doctor makes the overly physical memory of the buzzing build so high, he can feel it in his teeth. They're not actually rattling in his jaw the way they did back then, he knows that, but it doesn't matter because his body is screaming at him that it's happening.
The first stitch going through his skin makes him want to put his fingers through the doctor's eye sockets. His mind goes over all the ways he can violently put at least ten feet between them without having to get up. Looking back, it's probably good he didn't reach for the throwing knives. He's not unhinged enough to stab someone unprovoked; he's better than that. But they'd have been distracting to his impulse control, that's for sure.
Dr. Handsy is pulling the first suture in tight when the door to the observation room opens again. Bucky doesn't look up, his eyes locked on a random point on the far wall while he focuses on his breathing. He only looks over when a billowing, maroon pant leg enters his peripheral.
Thanks to a bunch of dead Nazi scientists that used to hide out in the mountains of Russia, Bucky Barnes has a trigger in his brain that is entirely out of his control. One that, when activated by his own interest, lets him process his surroundings in a sliver of the time that it should for a human mind. It is exceptionally helpful in the field. 
Watching Ava Ryder walk in, wearing a suede jumpsuit that mercilessly frames her curves, proves to him that having it in the 30s would have gotten him shot by someone's father. Definitely before he left Brooklyn. Or before he got chased out by several fathers banding together with baseball bats. In the time it takes her hand to come off the door handle and make its way to her hip, his mind goes on one hell of a fucking journey.
He already had more than a vague idea of the shape of her before now; he can't help it. Comes with the territory of doing threat assessment for a living. God knows his eyes have slipped down to her chest on a shameful amount of occasions. Her tits are being held up and pushed together fucking beautifully at the moment. Typically, that would hold all of his attention.
But this is the first unobstructed view of her that he's gotten, thanks to the lab coat being nowhere in sight, and good fucking god. Holy fucking shit. Godfuckingdamn.
She's half turned from him at this angle, so he's only getting a side view. That's more than enough to show off an obscenely rounded ass and the cushy thighs it rests on that are going to haunt his fucking dreams. It's bigger than his hands by a margin that's outright glorious. The mental image of his fingers digging into it, of how it would make her skin dip under the pressure, makes his blood race.
He can't spot the outline of any underwear at first. Then her hand makes contact with the jumpsuit, and his eyes pick up on it. Right there, above the top of her finger, pulled up high over her hipbone. There's a thin band leaving an impression in the fabric. An extraordinarily thin band. There is nothing else in sight.
Pulled between Ava's legs, right at this very moment in time, is a strip of fabric that Bucky's tongue would fit against perfectly. Right under that is a taste he's been catching himself wondering about for two weeks now. One good, long drag of his nose. That's all it would take to push in whatever she's picked out for the day and soak it with that taste. He could get it back out from between her lips with his tongue, pull it to the side with his teeth to give himself room to feast—
Bucky tries to shift his weight as nonchalantly as possible while his brain slows back down. The comeback from tactical analysis is always jarring, with this one being especially so. 
He's the worst kind of bastard. An awful, selfish, perverted sonofabitch. There's not shit he can do to change that. How unfortunate.
"David," Ava greets, the name coming out as tense as the closed smile plastered on her face. "You can put that down."
The other doctor doesn't look up from the work his hands are doing. "That you, Ava? I heard you were—"
"Now."
Bucky's back straightens up as David looks at her nervously, taken aback. Bucky doesn't blame him; he didn't know her voice could get that forceful.
David sort of laughs, which feels like the worst possible choice to Bucky. But, hey, not his call. "What, do you want me to just—"
"I want your hands off my patient right now. I'm not asking." She watches with unwavering intensity as the other doctor lets the needle and thread drop from his hands. She visibly bristles at the patronizing expression on David's face, her head tilting aggressively. Bucky kind of wants to watch her hit him. "I'll be back in less than a minute, sergeant. I need a word outside with Dr. Erikson."
"Take your time," Bucky assures, the tension bleeding out of him already. His ribs are leaking, and there's a piece of doctor floss looped through his skin that he's going to have to cut out of himself tomorrow morning. The immoral evaluation of her outfit that his head threw at him is going to eat him alive. Forever. Especially when he's trying to fall asleep for the foreseeable future. 
All things considered, though, he feels fan-fucking-tastic.
David still looks somewhat shell-shocked, and there's real insult starting to creep into his posture, but the guy doesn't argue. He follows Ava back out of the room, not bothering with a goodbye in Bucky's direction. When the door closes behind them, his super hearing picks up on Ava reaming David about prioritizing patients before ego. She goes into detail about the deep shit he'll be in with her if he keeps ignoring her written orders, long before it ever gets him fired. She tacks on why her anger should scare him a hell of a lot more than the idea of that. Then she instructs him to keep his damn hands off her patients and get back to the intake desk. 
The protective streak makes Bucky's chest feel warm, a half-smile pulling at his lips. She's a handful, alright. One he'd give anything to be brave enough to send flowers to.
Ava is calm, cool, and collected when she leans back in through the doorframe, hanging off it with a soft smile. "Hiya, stranger. I hear you picked a fight in my motherland today."
"I hear it has an arms dealer problem. I wanted to see if I could help." He gestures down at the needle swinging from his ribs without looking at it. "Not all Canadians are as welcoming as you, turns out."
"Eh?" she fires back, hamming up the accent. "Wellll, I'm not about to let a few cranky arms dealers tarnish our reputation. What do you say you push that bandage against your new bragging rights, and we head for my office?"
Licking his bottom lip nervously, he tries to give her a confident smile. "You were busy with something."
"Not too busy for my favorite popsicle." One eyebrow raises sternly. "You are not allowed to tell Steve I'm playing favorites." God, she's cute when she tries to deflect. It's never worked. At least not on him.
"That's—" Shit, where to even find the fucking words for her. "You don't have to do this. Go out of your way like this. I don't mind getting patched up by random medics. Comes with the job."
Her smile turns impish. "That's cool and all, but I mind when people ignore basic ethics just to have a story about stitching up an Avenger. If you need to tell yourself I'm using you as fuel for a workplace pissing contest, go for it. Whatever gets you off that biobed." She leans back, leaving the door open wide behind her. "Come on; I can't stand the way they organize these damn shelves. I wouldn't patch you up in here even if you did pay me. Next time, head for my office first."
Bucky does as she ordered, pushing the surgical towel she packed for him against his side, not minding the sting in the least. He swallows down the point that, by every definition there is, he's not an Avenger. "I'll follow you, doc."
"Alright," Wyatt plops his hands down on the glass of the holo, his expression determined. His tight curls bounce with the motion, making their resident gumdrop look adorable, even through the discomfort. "Let's get to dissectin' this cacophony. All in one go, preferably, so I don't feel like yackin' up my lunch two days runnin'."
Ava's head tilts sympathetically. "Oh, honey, tell me you didn't—"
His hand comes up, with his index finger pointed to the ceiling. "Nope. But I got close a couple'a times thinkin' about this." He mutters several things under his breath about creepy Nazi bastards while he pulls up the raw data from Bucky's implants. "All the more reason to get it the hell over with."
"A whole day of digging through coded war crimes," Hannah deadpans quietly, raising a steaming mug to her lips. "I'm glad we get the fun assignments."
"You'd ditch us if we didn't," Ava jokes. She scrolls through the sergeant's file absentmindedly on her tablet, reviewing the vitals added just a few hours ago. He actually came to medical. For something as minor as a field injury. Of his own volition.
"Mmm. I don't know. It's pretty fun watching a brain move like Jell-O. You might have been able to convince me to stick around just for that."
SHIELD's primary system makes a blaring noise of disagreement as Wyatt loads the main file structure. He frowns, looking over at Ava with concern. "Its askin' for administrative override."
"Heeey, that's that thing Tony says I'm not supposed to abuse. That's probably not a good sign." Ava pushes her glasses further up the bridge of her nose and leans over to get a look at the error. "JAR, I'd like some reassurance we're not about to trigger an ancient LoJack if you wouldn't mind advising here."
"There are safeguards in place for importing code with an unknown source," JARVIS reports in. The warning on the screen is dismissed, presumably by him, and a new window comes up. A log of the programming in Bucky's cybernetics going through digital quarantine loads rapidly, with line after line being highlighted in red and labeled HYDRA Suspected. "I will process them for you. One moment."
"We have to clean the Nazi code before we can beat it to death," Hannah mumbles against the rim of her mug. "I think I kind of like that."
"Please, Hannie, I'm hangin' on by the skin'a my teeth here." Scrubbing his hands over his face, Wyatt groans exhaustedly. He drags them down slowly, giving Hannah a pleading look over the tops of his fingers. "You know I'm always here for supportin' you—"
"I'm aware." The ex-marine's clipped tone makes Ava snort and look back down at her tablet. They both know stopping him now isn't going to cut off the word vomit.
Wyatt's hands thunk back down onto the glass. "I'm so proud'a ya, y'know that—" And there's the thickening of the accent.
"I know."
Ava's eyes skim over the list of everything detected in Bucky's wound, locking on the word leather in particular. Today was her first look at his work gear—she's got a feeling he doesn't call it a uniform—in person. It was hard to keep professional in front of six and a half feet of Hi, how are ya? wrapped up in that much heavy black. The sounds that his vest made when he dropped it on the coffee table— Jesus. He's got to be packing enough in there to arm a small country. 
"All's I'm sayin' is that if I have to hear about murder right now, I might actually upchu—"
"Please don't."
Ava's too scared to ask what's in the sergeant's pants for a multitude of reasons. Professionalism is lower on the list than it probably should be. It's a shame, too. He's downright hilarious when he lets himself talk. There's not a doubt in her mind that he'd come up with something unbearably good—and unwaveringly dry—in response to the loaded question.
"A'right then. We're in agreement. No bad thoughts today. We go in like—like excavators, right? With our helmets and our 'lil pickaxes, and we get what we need so we can—" The way he cuts himself off makes Ava look back up in concern. She finds the most horrified expression on Wyatt's face. "That—ah shit, that didn't come out all that right. That was mean, wannit? Insensitive. I'm not tryin' to belittle what the sergeant's been through."
"You weren't belittling anything," Ava assures, reaching out to rub his arm. "I think he'd be the first one to race you to a fossil joke about this."
"You'll tell 'im I'm takin' this serious, won't ya—"
A small chuckle escapes before she can stop it. "Wyatt, sweetheart, it's not like he heard you—"
"You take your pills today, Combs?" Hannah's calm question makes the gumdrop freeze in place. She blows on her coffee, taking a small sip. "If you say you don't remember, I'm going to—"
Wyatt snaps his fingers, his expression shifting to relief. "I didn't, and I remember why, too." He rolls his chair back with a sudden push, aiming for his desk. He reaches out before the chair finishes the trip to grab his patch-covered messenger bag. "One'a the cats got int'a my coat closet; dumbass got stuck on a shelf for reasons I'm still not real clear on." He pops open his medication bottle, tossing a pill into his mouth with a level of dexterity that makes her jealous. "The hollerin' was s'damn loud, I thought the landlord was gonna come knockin'."
"Which one was it?" Ava asks. "Not the new kitten?"
"No, no—Juno's been'a dream. It was Galileo again. I love that furry little bastard, but sometimes he can drive me nutty ." He pauses to take a swig from another glossy vacation mug. Today's is advertising a campground Ava's never heard of that's the best in the Rockies, according to the swirling font. "I got new pictures of Juno if you want 'em, though."
"Yes, please," Ava confirms happily. Holding the teacup-sized ball of fur made her whole month when he last brought Juno in. Hannah ended up hogging most of the cuddle time, but the sound of little meows filling the day had been enough to make up for it.
Wyatt pulls his phone from his back pocket and brings it around to hook up to the holo. The system dings with the sound of a successful transfer after a moment. He loads a collection of new photos, zeroing in on one of Juno clawing her way up a window curtain—
The power to the lab shuts off with a loud, electric click. Everything plunges into darkness with the privacy setting on the glass walls keeping the sun out. It comes back on before Ava can react, the building's primary system switching to the emergency power grid. She and Wyatt lock eyes in panic.
"Oooh man, boss, did I just—"
"I'm sure you didn't," Ava comforts, trying to push down her own panic. It helps that she's heard Tony rambling about the work he's put into making this place indestructible. "JAR?" 
There's no response from the AI. She trades another nervous glace with Wyatt.
"I know it was probably the Nazi shit, but I'm hoping it was the cats," Hannah says, sounding sincere. "I feel like that'll make a much better story."
"Oh my god, did I break JAR?" Wyatt looks between them frantically. "How often does he back up his servers? Did I kill'a piece'a JAR?!"
"I have not been murdered," the AI confirms after nearly a minute of being gone. "The safeguards reported a false positive regarding the programming of Sergeant Barnes' cybernetics. It has been handled."
Ava gives the hologram wall of code a warry look. "Handled by you?" There's a suspicion building in her gut around his phrasing, one that she's not planning on letting out of her teeth. 
"Mr. Stark has a protocol in place that cuts off my servers in the event of any irregular activity. Given the nature of the programming's origin, the system is designed to er on the side of caution."
"That's a really fancy way of dancing around the point, JAR." She's trying to stay civil about this. It's not an easy venture, and she's pretty sure it's not translating at all. Even she can hear the frustration in her voice. "How about we cut the shit, and you tell me what the false positive was."
"There are automated routines running for Sergeant Barnes' implants. They are not harmful; I've taken the liberty of checking them personally now that they've been cleared through quarantine. I am creating a stable update to forward to—"
"How long have they not been harmful, JARVIS?"
Hannah sits up from her relaxed position at the avoidance of their favorite nickname for the AI. Wyatt's brows pull in nervously, his eyes never leaving Ava. They both know exactly what she's digging at.
There's a long hesitation from JARVIS. Short by normal social standards but an eternity for a sentience with quantum processors. "There is not currently a risk posed within the Sergeant's—"
Ava's out of her chair and halfway to the door before he even finishes the omission. Fueled by some of the most intense rage she's ever felt in her life, she marches out on swift feet. She's going to kill him. She's going to string him up—maybe hang him off the side of the tower.
America's fucking Sweetheart, her ass. America's Doomed Liar is a lot more like it.
"Where is he," Ava nearly growls, still stalking down the halls, leaving the medical wing in a hurry. "JARVIS, I know you're still listening; you tell me where that puffed-up, hypocritical—oooh , you tell me where Rogers is right the fuck now. And then you tell me where Stark is—"
"Dr. Ryder, I know you're not inclined to believe this at the moment, but I assure you—"
"You're right; I'm not inclined to do that at all." She takes a deep breath as she passes through the front entrance, slowing herself to a stop. With genuine effort, she pushes down her anger. "I don't want to keep yelling at you. I don't like doing it in the first place. If you don't want to tell me where they are, I'll find them myself."
Ava heads for the elevator to do just that. She's not expecting a response as she pounds the side of her fist against the button for the Datacrux's floor. It's likely to be her best bet to find any of them. There's not a chance in hell that she's letting her team dedicate any more time to this until she gets some fucking explanations.
Halfway along the ride up, the light around the button goes dim. A flash of anger rises in her until she sees the one for the executive level illuminate. 
"Mr. Stark is not currently in the tower, but you will find Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes debriefing in the Situation Room," JARVIS informs her over the elevator's intercom, making the SHEILD agents around her pretend not to look over. She's tempted to ask them if it's the outfit.
"Thank you, JAR," she offers as an olive branch. Regardless of what's truly going on here, she doubts the AI is all that comfortable with the subject.
"You're welcome, Ava."
She's only been to this part of the tower once before. Tony dragged her up to the Avenger's balcony for a party after her divorce was first finalized. That's about the extent of her experience with this section. It's not hard to find her way with everything denoted like it is in the rest of the building.
The palm of her hand smacks against the door marked Situation Room, and she shoves it open aggressively. Both super soldiers, the Falcon, Black Widow, and a scattered group of SHIELD agents stare back at her in surprise. It doesn't slow her down any.
Ava points an irate finger at Steve in the uneasy silence of the room. "Unless New York just caught fire, you and I are about to have a very blunt conversation, captain."
"Hiya, doc." Bucky, unsurprisingly, is the only one in the room smiling at her while she glares daggers at Captain America. He's still in his not-uniform. There's still blood on it. The charm he's throwing her way reminds her that they won't want an audience. 
"I'm going to ask the rest of you to leave," she continues, but her eyes stay on the sergeant as her finger lowers. "I don't think you'll want to be here for this, Bucky."
"What makes you think I don't wanna watch you beat up my best friend?" He leans back in his chair, his hands coming up to rest on his stomach as his smile deepens.
"Can I stay?" Sam asks, his voice eager. It's a damn shame this is how she gets to meet him. She doubts the Falcon has any clue about unethical research.
"Come on," Natasha insists with a serene nod in Ava's direction, grabbing Sam's shirt to drag him up from his chair. "You heard her."
"I—hey!" Steve looks so insulted as he watches his friends and various coworkers abandon him with zero hesitation. "You're just gonna—I don't even know what I did!"
"Neither do I, but I am very ready to hear about it," Bucky assures Ava, not an increasingly distressed Steve.
Ava taps her foot impatiently as the room clears out, leaving her alone with the super soldiers. She ignores the nerves radiating off of one of them and focuses on the one that looks delighted. "I'm serious. This is about your case. Specifically, the work HYDRA was trying to finish."
The mirth leaves Bucky almost entirely. His posture doesn't adjust from its reclined position. "Alright. Tell me what's got you livid about it."
"Steve here made me a promise that was broken in my lab a few minutes ago."
Steve's eyebrows pull in with confusion. "Which promise? Wait—a few minutes ago—Is this about that blackout? Ava, catch me up here; what the hell is—"
"You swore to me that the intention of HYDRA—at least where Bucky's case is concerned—was to make an army of super soldiers, nothing more." She's letting him process this one step at a time. It'll make yelling at him for lying a lot easier. That, and she's honestly worried the technophobe doesn't understand the gravity of the situation.
"I—" Steve hesitates, and she watches the switch to tactical assessment come over him. It's startling to see it directed at her from a face that isn't Bucky's. "As far as I know, that was the intention."
"Yeah? You're sure about that? You're sure you're not omitting something pretty fucking important to my job, Steven?"
"JARVIS, what was the blackout?" Bucky questions at half the volume he started at when she first came in.
Ava points at the sergeant insistently. "See? I'm guessing he doesn't even know, but he's sure as hell already on the right track."
"There was an incident regarding the coding found in your implants, Sergeant Barnes. It has been handled. I have prepared an update to their systems whenever you're ready to undergo a transfer."
"As your doctor, I'm ordering it. We can go back to my office after I'm finished ripping your friend a new asshole for lying to my face." Her eyebrows lower at Bucky in indignation. She's doing this for him, but that doesn't mean she's going to let him off the hook if he knew. "We should probably figure out if I need to do the same to you before we get there."
"Hey, hang on now." Steve raises one hand, likely to try to calm her, but changes his mind and puts it back under the table. She's guessing someone's finally clued in the out-of-time man about that practice making women want to throw something. At his head. "We might not always be able to talk about classified information—something you agreed to, I might add—but I've never lied about HYDRA's intent as far as I comprehend it. I've been very careful to hold up that end of our deal."
"Let me tell you how I know, for a fact, that someone involved in this case is doing a piss-poor job of lying to me about it. Since you haven't quite figured out modern tech, I'm going to try to keep it simple." Ava points a far less aggressive, more instructing finger at Bucky's arm. "In order for that hunk of metal to work, it needs to be programmed. The hardware needs software that can tell it how to read brain signals. A few decades ago, some Nazis sat in a room and wrote a bunch of code for that software. That's what was supposed to be in Bucky's implants. That's all that was supposed to be in Bucky's implants."
"Wait—what the hell else is in them?" The flicker of fear that creeps into Bucky's expression breaks her heart. There's not a doubt in her mind that he could sell her on any lie he wants to with his mind set on it. That's the point of infiltrators like him. 
But Ava's willing to bet everything she's got in this world that the fear in him at the moment is genuine. He doesn't know. And it makes her feel awful.
"Given the size of your implants, I'm guessing not much," she tries to reassure. "We can always purge whatever is there later. However, if the code were as simple as 'read this signal, do this thing,' it wouldn't have been flagged as untouchable by Tony's security measures. The ones put in specifically to prevent JARVIS from being corrupted." She crosses her arms over her chest in exasperation, her eyes moving to one of the small security cameras on the ceiling. "Would you like to explain to the captain what kind of code it would take to accomplish that, JARVIS?"
There's another human-length moment of hesitation from the AI in response. "It would take adapting code."
"The part he's holding back—definitely because he's under orders not to break SHIELD protocol—is that something has to be driving the adaptation. There is such a thing as self-adapting code; that would absolutely explain it. If we weren't talking about something made in the 40s when HYDRA needed entire warehouses just to house a few terabytes of data." She glances over at Bucky. "While I'm sure the agents you scare the piss out of would disagree, your head isn't actually big enough to hold that much."
"You flirtin' with me to stop the panic or to apologize for not being Canadian for a minute?"
Ava blinks in surprise, the slightest hint of heat coming up the sides of her neck. That—she hadn't been—well. Steve's head turns to him, his eyebrows raising in mild shock.
Bucky clears his throat, then tries for a quiet chuckle, his eyes floating between her and the table. "Sorry—it's this damn room. Puts me in sergeant mode, makes me—let's get back to yelling at Steve."
"Thanks, asshole, I appreciate—"
"What makes you think I won't yell at you just because I'm Canadian?" Ava counters, finally recovering. "You trying to stereotype me, Barnes?"
The relief that comes off of Bucky is palpable. "I'd go for the hippie thing first if I was trying to do that."
"Didn't you sleep through the McCarthy era?"
"HYDRA gave me the long and short of it between naps."
Her hand flies up to her face to block a loud snort. Damn him, this is serious. But she's not about to begrudge him the gallows humor. She lowers it again while he smirks at her. "Do you mind? I'm trying to make an angry but valid point here."
"About a bunch of code that my head isn't big enough for," he continues for her dryly, one hand coming off his stomach to gesture up at it.
Ava sighs, the amusement from getting sidetracked by the Brooklyn heartstopper fading fast. "Not big enough by the standards of the 40s. By today's standards?" Her head tilts to the side sadly, readying herself to watch that fear in him get more substantial. "You tell me, Buck. Did the Nazis work in the mindset of single projects, or did they work in the mindset of generations that would lead a global empire?"
The words are the last piece to complete the puzzle in Bucky's mind; Ava can see it happen in his eyes. The expression of horror it yanks out of him will haunt her for the rest of her days. "Zola." 
It's said in a whisper, and Ava's not even sure what the word is. 
It takes Steve longer to reach whatever conclusion Buckys come to, and he looks resistant to the idea at first. "No, that's... no—Buck, you've been to what's left. You know what it took—"
"That's the point she's making, stupid. Look at how small everything's gotten." He stops, and Ava doesn't miss the sight of a hard swallow. "It makes sense. Think about it. It makes sense. They took care of the car until they could find an engine that fit. I was the prototype. Or—was going to be, at least."
The comparison—the one he's using on himself—is revolting. Accurate, but astoundingly revolting. She pushes past it, leaning down to tap a condescending nail on the table. "Hi, there. Still here. Still looking for some answers. What the hell is Zola?"
With Steve watching him like a hawk, Bucky breathes a long, tired sigh. "Not what. Who." 
"I can fill her in," Steve offers to him quickly. "You don't have to do this."
"Oh, I'm not doing shit. She's going to do it all." Bucky locks eyes with Ava, his expression passive. Having the Winter Soldier himself that focused in on her makes her breath catch involuntarily. "How's your Russian, doc?"
"I don't speak a word of it. Do I need to for this?"
"No, I'm sure you've got plenty of ways to translate anything you feel like reading. You should look up doveryai, no proveryai while you're at it." He leans forward, resting his arms on the table. His eyes never once move away from hers. "JARVIS, transfer a copy of my archive access to Dr. Ryder. Full permissions. And the next time she asks you a hard question, you don't have to bullshit her. Tell her to call me."
April 6th, 2015
"I want you to bring me with you next time."
"No."
"Is that a no because you do not agree or because you are afraid of mother?"
"Both."
Shuri frowns at the security feed, ignoring the quiet laughter she can hear coming from Nakia on the other end. "Coward."
The camera mounted on T'Challa's dashboard shakes as he turns it back to his face, his expression annoyed. "Say that to my—"
"Coward."
T'Challa rolls his eyes and turns the camera back around as Nakia laughs harder. He will be mopey now, for sure. "I am not taking you to stare at a soldier's office with us."
"Why not?"
"To start with, I refuse to be trapped in a car with you for that amount of time."
"You should be so lucky! Now, what is the real reason."
"What part of royal family do you not—"
"You get to go to these things."
"And when you leave your lab long enough to learn to use the spears of your foremothers, that privilege can extend to you."
"Okoye is always ready to teach you, Shuri," Nakia offers up diplomatically. 
"I do not need a spear to sit in a car annoying my brother," Shuri argues. They always do this to her. She is tired of it.
"You do not need to sit in a car annoying your bother at all." The moping has already started. She can hear it in T'Challa's voice.
"Fine. I will go to Ava's house and stay there while—"
"No."
Shuri slams her hands down on her desk, making the various instruments on it rattle precariously. "She is my family, too!"
There's silence on the other end in the wake of her anger. Then the camera turns again, this time by Nakia's hand. She doesn't stop the spin until it's pointed to show her and T'Challa. He does not look as annoyed anymore. He looks guilty.
Nakia gives her a sympathetic smile. "No one is trying to take that from you. We are only trying to keep you safe. We do not know how far Alec is willing to take things."
"And I am not willing to present the man with more temptations of power," T'Challa adds, the guilt on his face shifting to resignation. "It is not simply because I am afraid of our mother. I agree with her. And with our father. Alec Harlow is a man that is losing everything. That is a powerful motivator, Shuri."
"I am not afraid of that spineless demon," Shuri insists angrily. "I could handle him myself, thank you very much."
"Half the school children in Wakanda could," Nakia mocks under her breath.
She gets a stern look from T'Challa before he focuses it on Shuri. "It is not his strength we are concerned with. It is the allies he can call upon at any time. Men with strength and resources that we do not wish to deal with."
Some of the fight leaves her. Not much, but it does ebb. Her brother might be an idiot, but he is right about this. Ava would not be this afraid for no reason. She has been trying to disguise it when Nakia brings her for visits, which is how Shuri knows it is serious.
"I hate that man, brother." The word is far too inadequate. The contempt she holds for the worm who put fear in the heart of her favorite mad scientist feels immeasurable.
"As do I. As do we all." T'Challa smiles at her finally, his face softening. "I promise to bring you to hit him if he is ever arrested. That is when I will deem it safe enough."
"How many times?" she chases after quickly. "Can I bring a weapon?"
"You can bring exactly one weapon. Can you guess what it is?" The smile turns sarcastic as he reaches out and turns the camera back around to face Alec's office window. 
"I do not need a spear to break that man."
"No, you need it so I can stop being lectured by Okoye for enabling your avoidance of tradition."
"That will not help. She wishes for me to sit through her lessons. I would just bring the spear to hit him over the head with."
Nakia laughs, the sound light and soothing. "I am surprised you did not go straight for the idea of skewering him."
Tilting her head down at her desk, Shuri hesitates. She picks up the ridiculous coffee mug Ava got her, spinning it around in her hands with somber movements. 
Ava's last visit had been especially hard to stomach. The woman had looked so... empty as she talked about the start of the divorce. There had been no vengeful joy in her as she told Shuri's father she understood the gravity of the situation. No hard-won victory in her posture. There had only been grief and shame.
Shuri sighs, turning away from the screen to head for her lab's kitchen. She is going to fill the mug with one of the teas that Ava brings her. It will be a nice change from the energy drinks she has been binging. "No. I... I do not wish the man dead. I only wish to see him locked away somewhere he can never smile again."
—author end notes—
there’s one sentence in this chapter that is 14 words long (including contractions) that is the entire foundation of their incoming dom/sub and oh my g o d when i tell you that shit was cathartic to write 😫🤌 some day when this is finished, im gonna write a whole goddamn dissertation on that one sentence and all the narrative shit that tied into it in this fic so help me (YOURE ALLOWED TO GUESS BTW)
anyways, everyone is alive in wakanda bc i said so. and nakia and t’challa are really stupid uber mega important to ava’s backstory
i feel like we’ve all, as a species, Been Through Enough. you can talk my ear off abt anything, but dont talk to me abt the opening of wakanda forever i will Literally Die, i havent cried that hard over the first watch of a movie in so fucking long and i dont think im strong enough for a second. all i ever need for binging is winter soldier and black panther anyhow (FATWS is still growing on me and i only like it so far bc im a sambucky shipper. and a stucky shipper. and a 3 musketeer shipper. and a—i like making buckaroo be in love a lot. lets just. leave it at that). we can stop with the big owies thanks. let me escape to the fictional world where everyone is alive and Nothing Hurts, t h a n k s.
well. okay. some things are gonna hurt in this. probably really super bad too and youre gonna be really really mad at me when it hits. but like. theyre set up for comfort pay off so does it even really count??? i didnt think so, ty for agreeing 😌
ily 💖 tyty for reading 💞 and tyty in advance for yelling at me when i eventually hurt u ❤️🥰 i will understand, its okay, u are entitled to the emotional compensation on that one
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dmc-tings · 3 years ago
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The Lord's with an S/O (who just found out about their powers)
Alcina Dimitrescu
Noice 👌🏾
But what did you do for this woman to spare you?
She's like... the biggest man hater anywhere
So... if your a guy, you are lucky boi (or if you identify as a guy)
Or perhaps your a lucky lady?
I feel like she won't discriminate if she feels like your important to her
But for whatever reason she CHOSE YOU
So take that as a win
Sure, she's a vampire and has to eat people
Which was something you didn't know
But she doesn't eat in front of you
Even lying to the point of telling you she's drinking wine
You get curious, of course
So when she leaves to "take care of business", you look onto her glass or cup
You see red
"Ok... but it dont smell like wine..."
You take a sip, only to spit it out right away
Retching with disgust, you tasted blood
Your not an idiot, at least not fully anyways
Alcina rushed back, hearing you gag, thinking one of her daughters were bothering you
Only to see the sight in front of her
You looked at her in fear
Which hurt the tall woman's non beating (?) heart
You backed into a corner, thinking the worst
Looking for a makeshift weapon, you grabbed a spoon
To which made the Lady shake her head
"Love, you know I wouldn't-"
"Your a damned liar!!" You barked weakly, "W-what the fuck are you!?"
She sat calmly in the chair in front of you, gesturing for you to take a seat as well
You hesitated, but did comply, not letting go of your weapon (the spoon)
She huffed sadly, normally this behavior would have sent her into a rageful fit
But this is YOU we're talking about
Her little muse, the only mortal that makes her truly happy
"My Love, please calm down."
When you showed no sign of relaxing, Alcina took her glass in her hand, swirling the blood
Then takes a small sip, and lighting a cigarette
She offers you one
You cringe, and with that she pulls back again
After taking a puff, she begins to explain
Mother Miranda, the other Lord's, the creation of her daughter's, the Village, and everything else, prior to your showing up
After she finishes, you lower your loyal spoon
Drinking in all of the information
You looked up at her
"So that's why your so keen in keeping the girls away from me..."
The large woman nodded, looking at you
You bit your lip, but let go of your spoon, placing it back into the table
Alcina looked at you, watching you relax
You nodded a calm understanding
"Well seeing as I know what's going on now... is Mother Miranda going to-"
The Lady Dimitrescu, shook her head
"She has allowed for me to keep you. As long as you only stay in the castle... seeing as that the village is too dangerous. And I don't want you mixed up with the rif-raf."
You smiled and sat in her lap, (cause you can do that) and planted a kiss on her cold cheek
She let out a pleased humm, and returned the kiss
"Just... next time, if you choose a weapon, Love, make sure it has a SHARP end."
Salvatore Moreau
You had known Moreau since before Mother Miranda made an impact on his life
You saw less and less of your significant other
He would disappear and cut your alone time short, whenever the woman called
You were saddened when he finally told you that you couldn't see him anymore
But that's didn't stop him from speaking to you through whatever door, that separated you both
He didn't keep you locked up, but he would lock whatever door was between you
So you couldn't see the monstrous transformation, causing him pain
All you knew is that his voice was becoming more and more disgruntled
As said, you knew Salvatore before this
He was a handsome and intelligent man (despite what's written in Miranda's notes)
And to hear your man become... so in thralled by this other woman, made you suspicious
One day, you both were speaking, with a door between you, as usual
Unbeknownst to Salvatore, you were picking the lock
Eagar to see him
He never noticed the change in your tone, when you got it unlocked, nor the click of the lock
Shoving the door open, and pushing Salvatore back
The male let out a yelp, trying to rush in to the nearby darkness
You stepped through the threshold, eyes blazing and searching
You scanned the room and finally landed on a heap of a shivering... beast?
"Moreau? Is... is that you?" You crept closer, and gently put a hand on his back
"D-dont look at m-me...." he shivered, trying to hide himself
Horrified, you took his face on your hands
"I-is this... the work o-of-"
He cut you off, "Do-dont. Mother loves me... she does... I know she does..."
You felt tears pour down your face
You couldn't bring yourself to speak
That vile woman, had destroyed your dear Moreau
The man you knew and loved was beaten and broken into this sobing heap before you
He looked at you, and reached up to wipe your tears
"Oh... please don't cry... thi-this is her will..."
You shook your head, "what kind of will is this, Salvatore? To turn you-"
He pulled away from you, snarling, "I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND!!! Mother loves me, and i-"
You slapped him, your tears stopping, "What kind of man have you become?!"
Disgusted, not with his appearance, but his sniveling attitude
You left
But... not unaffected by what happened to the man you cared about
You left... everything behind, the Village, your family...
Salvatore Moreau never left your thoughts and you never left his
It was a bittersweet life, but you were glad to leave what was happening behind
Angie and Donna Beneviento
These two kept you in their estate
Though Donna hid Angie from you, worried that you wouldn't understand the need for her doll
She also kept the pollen from her plants away from you
You were the first person Donna could talk to, without her illness bothering her
No need for Angie!? And this person don't care!?
Fucking Jackpot!!!
Though Angie does get a bit upset that she don't get to see you
That's about to change
You and Donna where sitting in the backroom, overlooking the waterfall
Enjoying an afternoon tea
"Dear? How are you feeling today?"
Donna looked at you, taking your hand in her's giving you a smile
"I am well." She reassured you, giving your hand a squeeze
Then you sneezed, surprised cause your allergies hadn't started up, due to the lack of pollen
And the abundance of snow and cold
Donna gasped, looking over her shoulder
"Angie, n-"
Angie revealed herself, giggling and plopping herself in your lap
You froze, "A-a doll? Donna... is this a gift?"
You never really liked or disliked dolls
Angie gave another giggle, "No, stupid! I'm Angie. Donna's most favorite doll. And a friend."
Your eyes widened at the living doll, "Uh... im-"
"I know who you are!!" She floated infront of you now
"And we like you!"
Donna was quiet, not surprisingly, but you reached out for her
She gently took your hand in her's
"Donna. Tell me whats going on. Please."
Donna nodded, quietly starting to explain.
The gifts from Mother Miranda, the plants, the pollen and finally Angie
You looked at the floating doll, who was nodding her head along, with Donna's words
Then finally, you pulled Donna closer to your side
"You don't ever have to hide things from me. I never had a problem with the other ways that you cope, Donna."
Your encouraging words sent the woman into tears of joy
She buried her face in your chest
You smiled at Angie, who patted you on the forehead
Karl Heisenberg
You sat in the smaller, (safer) part of his factory
It was a part he had built to keep you safe
From what?
You had asked Karl several times, on different occasions, what was he building
"Its none of your concern." He waved a hand dismissively, "Whats for dinner?"
You always had huffed out whatever meal you made for the pair of you
Karl was always one of three places: meeting his "family", in the factory, or right next to you
The "family" was always thrown into air quotes
You knew he disliked his "family"
He announced his leaving out again, not telling you where
But leaving nonetheless, as usual you waved him off
But today was different, you WERE going to see what the hell was in that factory
Not paying attention to the warnings he gave you, you made your way down
Once at an elevator, you pressed the button
It came up and you were met with a large, large portly man
"Why if it isn't Heisenberg's little kitten."
Shocked you jumped back a bit, but then inched your way inside
"Its alright. I mean you no harm. Come, come."
You stood next to him, "Uh... who are you?"
"You may call me The Duke." He hummed, "But what are you doing here? Don't you know it's dangerous to play here?"
You lifted your chin, "I can handle myself. Thank you."
The Duke gave a small laugh, as you pulled the switch, but didn't speak again
Hitting the bottom floor, you disembarked, waving goodbye
You noticed a door and pushed through
Only to be met with a metal drill nearly splitting your face in two
With a strangled yelp, you lept backwards
"HOLY SHIT!!! WHAT THE HELL-"
"Who's in my damned- KITTEN!?"
You heard Heisenberg's voice above you and looked around frantic
"Karl! What-"
You didn't get to finish, the same monster came at you again
Dodging to the side, only barely missing getting drilled
Running in to the labyrinth, you were soon cornered
You shook with fear, hearing more monsters come after you
Closing your eyes, waiting for the blows to take you to the Great beyond
Your waiting was cut shirt hearing a series of clang's
You moved your hands and opened your eyes
Seeing Karl, standing in front of you shoving all the monsters back...
But he wasn't touching them....
"What... how-"
"Dont just sit on your ass, get up!" He barked, grabbing your arm and pulling you behind him
Once back in the safe zone, you slapped him, breathing heavily
He took it, it was a well deserved slap
"E-explain yourself!"
He sat heavily down, telling you everything.
The reason for the factory, the monsters in it, his powers, Miranda's plan, even pouring out his emotions about it all
You finally understood and took his hands in yours, kneeling down infront of him
"You idiot. All you had to do was talk to me. Not be a "big tough guy" about it."
You kissed his rough hands
And he chuckled at you
"Always understanding. Thanks Kitten."
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myakkun · 3 years ago
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ROYAL PAIN | RYUGUJI KEN
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royal au ; betrothed ; mentions of poison
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“i’m not fucking kissing them.”
“he’s not fucking kiss me.”
“your highnesses,” mitsuya hisses, pinching the bridge of his nose as he bites back the urge to literally rip off the people in front of him’s heads. “there’s no time for your petty grudges. we are under a time crunch.”
“the only crunch there will be is draken’s nose if he gets another step closer to me,” you bite off, pressing the heel of your palm to your temple. you sway a little on your feet and you’re lucky there’s a desk behind you that you can halfway sit on to stable yourself.
“funny, i was thinking the same thing,” the prince smiles—sarcastic and condescending—as he leans against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest.
when you went out on your designated and mandatory weekly outing with your—begrudging on both ends, mind you—betrothed, you’d expected a silent few hours spent under chaperoned care as the two of you sat in the garden and tried to ignore the other’s presence. that’s what you and draken normally did, anyways. spent time together without indulging the other at all. the two of you butt heads like toddlers fighting over the same swing when there was an empty one right next to it; pointless but unwavering. your families hadn’t a clue, and they wouldn’t, not with the lovesick act you both put on around them to appease their old hearts. you’d expected this afternoon’s “date” to go like any other.
but apparently when you fight fate long enough it has its way of biting you in the ass, and today’s the day fate decided to take a bite.
it comes in the form of a muffin. normally one of the maidens or a servant will bring baskets out for you and draken throughout your rendezvous, and today was no different. a sweet young boy whom you’d recognized from working around the kitchen had brought the food out to you and bid you both with a bow before scampering right along. you hadn’t eaten all day and the muffin was practically calling your name from where it sat perfectly atop all the others.
one morsel was all it took for you to know something wasn’t right, and you’d hoped maybe your taste buds had just been acting up, but no.
fate took a big bite.
so, that’s how you not only ended up poisoned in the middle of your betrothed’s garden, but it’s also how you ended up here. locked in a secret room in draken’s castle with him and his personal guard mitsuya for the unforeseen future while knights and whoever the hell else try to search for the person responsible.
you cough into your hand and grip onto the desk.
“your highness,” mitsuya addresses, a hint more formality to his tone now as he takes a step towards you, “i’m afraid you’re getting worse, and you know that if you would just—“
“no, we don’t know that,” you interject. another cough wracks through you. your mouth feels impossibly dry. “kissing him only works if it’s that.. ‘true love’ shit and, correct me if i’m mistaken, but that seems like a far cry, no? now, what we do know is that.. this is taking longer. because i did not eat a-all of. all..”
“your grace?” mitsuya ushers, hand reaching for your shoulder as your lids start to droop and your body follow suit. “your grace, look at me. focus, please.”
“sorry i—i..“
and the guard is starting to fade out in front of you, double and triple and then come back together in a way that’s making you dizzy. your already hazy and clogged brain is turning into mush tenfold. as you go to continue, open your mouth again to try to finish your explanation, you feel your body give out entirely.
“fuck,” he mutters, hardly able to catch you before you crumple to floor altogether. “sir, help me carry them to the couch.”
it’s almost funny, how even poisoned to near death you still try to swat draken away as he comes to your aid.
“don’t.. d-don’t fuckin’ need the help from y-you,” you grumble, words slurred and unarticulated in a way you know your mother would scold you for.
draken scoffs. “trust me, i don’t want to be doing this any more than you want me to,” he retorts, throwing your arm over his shoulder and effectively helping mitsuya lug you over to the couch.
mitsuya, the angel, tries to be somewhat gentle in laying you down a top the cushions.
draken drops you the first chance he gets.
“i’m uncertain on what to do,” mitsuya says as he stands next to the prince, fingers fiddling with themselves like he’s ready to strike at any given moment given a command. “nobody is to come in or out of this room until the assailant is captured but if they don’t find them soon it won’t matter.”
he turns to draken then, a determination in his eyes that the blond is regrettably familiar with, and draken is tempted to find that muffin and take a chunk out of it himself.
“no.”
“sir.”
“no.”
“sir, please.”
“i refuse—“
“they’re dying!” mitsuya shouts. and he knows he’s stepping out of line, even if he’s known the prince for years. draken could have his head for this in a split second if he wanted to. but he can’t just sit by and watch this happen. “your highness, they are dying. i know you cannot stand each other. i know the two of you have some sort of quarrel. but you should at least try. you may be comfortable leaving this room with one less person but i most certainly am not. so your majesty, please.”
draken considers, for a very brief moment, if he should stab himself with the dagger on mitsuya’s hip—then he decides against it, because if you were to live he can only imagine the words you’d say without him there to snap back. and that’s simply unimaginable.
he turns his gaze to you.
you, who is normally so full of spunk and spirit and moxie. you, who is always ready and waiting with a comeback on the tip of your tongue, the perfect rebuttable to whatever it is he has to say and the perfect chide to match when he counters back. you, who is always shouting with him and at him and to him with your voice booming and unwavering and rocking him all the way into his chest.
you, who is now emptied of all that.
“okay,” he mutters, low and uneasy, as he takes an immediate step back towards the couch.
okay, he thinks, because this isn’t the you he knows. he doesn’t think he’s ever seen you so silent for so long, doesn’t think he’s ever been forced to picture you laying so still. there’s an endless shiver that’s rattling through you despite the coat tugged around your shoulders. your eyes aren’t keen and coy, but instead dazed out and spaced. no, this isn’t the you he knows at all. this feels like the shell that’s left of it.
you don’t even try to fight him as he raises your head up enough to slip onto the couch, laying it back into his lap. his chest hurts.
“y-you’re.. you’re going t-to..”
“yes,” he cuts you off, because he can tell it’s hard, to push the words out at this point. he brushes a piece of hair out of your face, slightly damp with sweat as it clings to your feverish forehead. “i’m going to.”
you hum, another cough ripping out of you and your entire body jerks with it. god, it must hurt.
draken is hit with something then, something chilling and warming at the same time that runs up his spine and wraps around his throat. he presses his fingers to your cheek to make you actually look up at him, and he swears he can literally see it—the way that roaring flame in your eyes dies down to nothing more than a glowing ember as the poison does it’s best to soak up every last drop of you.
he’s going to kiss you.
and he knows.
“it’s okay,” he whispers, as a tear slips out of your eye. you’re practically gasping for air at this point as he pulls you closer to him, cradles the back of your head as he draws you nearer. he brushes the tear away with his thumb. “you better not kill me if this works.”
your breath puffs against his lips and if draken didn’t know any better, he’d think it was your weak attempt at a laugh. but he doesn’t have time to think too much about that as he leans that little bit forward.
and he kisses you, in a totally non-begrudging way.
it’s a little weird, the feeling that rushes over him as soon as your lips connect. for a second he thinks it might be the poison, somehow spreading to him through you, making his fingers tingle and his cheeks flush and his heart rate sky rocket in his chest. but that theory is blown out of the water as you suck in a gasp while still locked with him.
yeah, he knows that the strong emotion he’s been festering over for years is not hatred.
you pull back, hand placed to draken’s chest as he holds you there, keeps you close, even though he should be shoving you off of him at the first open opportunity. but he doesn’t, and you don’t make a move either. a beat passes, then two, you find yourself getting lost in dark irises and cherry lips and before you know what’s happening his mouth is back on yours as you loop your arms around his neck.
faintly, the two of you can hear mitsuya’s grossed out complaint and grumbles but both of you ignore it, suddenly finding each other far more important than anything else. you try to convince yourself—a last resort grab for straws—that you’re just making sure the whole curse is gone, but you get about a millisecond into that thought and mentally tell yourself to shut the fuck up.
when the two of you part now, you’re having trouble breathing for a reason different than poison altogether. and you’re greeted with a smile, the first genuine one that’s ever been thrown your way from the prince in the entirety that you’ve known him.
“you know, for someone who was so appalled by the idea of kissing ten minutes ago, you don’t seem so disgusted now,” you snark, cheeky grin working it’s way to your lips as you feel the energy start to surge through your body again.
“i could say the same to you,” draken huffs a laugh.
“thought you wanted me dead.” it’s light, teasing as you poke his ribs and bite down on the edge of your lip. “and look at you, prince draken. saving me from my doom.”
“well, yes. i want to kill you myself, couldn’t let the poison steal my thunder.”
you smack his chest. he blows out a chuckle and grabs your hands to hold them to him, like he’s scared to let you go for even a second. and you think he might be, because it must’ve been scary, seeing you like that. sure, you were the one dying, but having to witness it seems nearly equally as traumatic. you start to lean in again, draken already trying to meet you halfway, but a throat clearing stops you both.
“before this escalates any further and i am forever scarred for life,” mitsuya calls from across the room. you and draken both look over at him, greeted by a shit eating grin and a look so prideful it doesn’t really fit his face. “i told you so.”
you aren’t sure whether you want to thank the guard or yell at him, but before you can even decide draken is shoving you away and striding towards him to get into a scuffle you’re far too familiar with between the two. from your seat on the couch you watch draken tussle with pink cheeks and a furrowed brow, and you wonder how you could’ve ever hated a face like that.
and how the hell you were so opposed to kissing it.
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reblogs appreciated <3
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luci-in-trenchcoats · 4 years ago
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If I Fell For You (Part 8) - Good Days, Bad Days
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Summary: The reader has a special birthday surprise for Jensen and starts to get to know Jared more. When Jensen returns home from Toronto for good though, he and the reader have their first big fight and make more moves in their relationship...
Masterlist
Pairing: Jensen x nanny!reader
Word Count: 5,300ish
Warnings: language, angst, fighting, smut
A/N: Enjoy!
________
Thursday Night
“So how do you want me?” asked Jensen, leaning against his closet door in nothing but his boxer briefs. 
“Oh well that’s a dangerous question,” you laughed. “Jeans are fine for where I’m taking you.”
“Alright,” he said. He ducked into the closet and returned wearing only a pair of dark jeans, smirking at you with his hands behind his back.
“Being a little shit?” you asked.
“One of my best qualities,” he said. You hummed and went past him into the closet. “So what should I be wearing on this date out?”
“I’m kinda a sucker for you a henley and flannel. Not to let that go to your head at all,” you said.
“Oh you should never watch Supernatural then,” he chuckled, grabbing a long sleeve white henley off the hanger and pulling it on.
“I did sort of start watching it,” you said. “You look like a little baby that hadn’t hit puberty yet.”
“I got better with age, sweetheart,” he said, flashing you a wink.
“Oh yes you did,” you said. “I like it. It’s kinda scary but not too bad if you watch during the day.”
“It gets less scary pretty fast,” he said, putting on his red and gray flannel. “I all set?”
“You look very pretty,” you said, walking out with him on your tail. “So does the show end happy? Like they live? It’s got this angsty feel to it where I feel like something bad is gonna happen.”
“Do you want me to spoil it?”
“Dean doesn’t like die, right,” you said. He made a face and you frowned. “No. Why? He doesn’t deserve that.”
“Eh, calm yourself woman. Things could happen in the future...he might not have to die...or he might come back and I really shouldn’t be discussing these things.”
“You’d do more?” you asked.
“Oh for sure. On a streaming network where we get to do all the shit we couldn’t on cable. Get some fresh eyes in on the writing or maybe we’d even take a crack at it. It’s not really an if, more of a when so don’t go worrying about Dean. I like my new friends at work and everybody’s great but I miss Jared and my old ones. I’m definitely working with them again.”
“That’s great! Now come on, move that tush. We have reservations.”
“Reservations. Fancy,” he said. He put on a pair of socks and shoved his wallet in his pocket, following you out to the hall when you spun around. 
“Oh yeah,” you smirked. “You may also have a little birthday surprise waiting for your downstairs so eyes shut mister.”
“You’re devious. I like that. I like that a lot. We should explore that later in bed.”
“Tempting. I’ll have to take you up on that,” you said. “Eyes shut.”
You held his hand and he shut his eyes, going down the hall with you. You went slowly down the steps, Jensen’s arm around you the whole time. You grinned and walked him over to the family room before leaving him in place.
“Open,” you said. He blinked open his eyes, quickly landing them on a grinning Jared standing there.
“How the hell are you here?” said Jensen, Jared giving him a big hug he quickly returned. “Shit I missed you man.”
“Me too. But it’s someone’s birthday this week and I don’t have work tomorrow so I caught a flight up this afternoon. Y/N thought I’d make a good present.”
“Fucking awesome present,” he said, still grinning ear to ear. 
“You doing okay?” asked Jared, Jensen nodding. He gave him another hug and you smiled. “So how’s that crush on the nanny working out?”
“Shut up,” said Jensen, smirking as he pulled you into his side. “Jared. I know you guys met already but Y/N is your soon to be best friend just as an fyi.”
“Oh we’ve already started chatting,” you said, Jared chuckling. “He’s really sweet. I had to legit stop him from jumping on a plane that second when I texted him he thought something was wrong.”
“I think between the two of us we can keep an eye on him,” said Jared. “So you mind if I crash your date?”
“Not at all,” you said. “I’m taking both you boys out. My treat.”
“I’ll be back in a minute,” said Jensen two hours later while he excused himself to the bathroom. Jared finished off the last of his beer and smiled as he leaned back in his corner of the booth. 
“You know I’m totally covering this right,” he said.
“Dutch?” you asked.
“I’ll take the alcohol, you take the food.”
“That I can agree to,” you said, glancing over the dessert menu. “I’m really happy you were able to come up to hang out. I know you got your own family and everything and this was last minute.”
“He’s my family too,” he said. “I’d do anything for him. Literally. Don’t ever hesitate to call me, no matter when or where. I’ll be there for him like he’s always been for me.”
“I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a smile on his face like that before.”
“I have. You just didn’t notice that night at the bonfire.” You shrugged and he cocked his head. “How long you two been dating?”
“A month or so,” you said. 
“You like him?”
“He’s alright,” you said, smiling before you took a sip from your glass. 
“Thanks for taking care of him lately.”
“Don’t need to thank me for that,” you said, sliding the dessert menu over to him.
“Yeah but I’m still going to,” he said. “I meant what I said earlier. Between the two of us he’ll be okay again.”
“He’s never gonna be the same. He’ll be happy and it won’t hurt as much. But it’ll come back and hit him time to time.”
“There’s a reason he’s my best friend and it’s not just because we worked together for so long. He’s always been there for me and I’ll be there for him. I feel better about him being up here when he’s got someone else watching his back.”
“You had the hard job, not me,” you said.
“He’s come a long way. Doesn’t mean this is a cakewalk though I’m sure.”
“No, you’re right about that,” you said as you spotted Jensen returning.
“You guys order dessert yet?” he asked, sliding in beside you.
“Why doesn’t the birthday boy pick,” teased Jared, handing the menu over to him. “You guys ought to come home for a weekend when you get a chance.”
“It’s kinda a long way to go with the kids for just a few days,” said Jensen. “But we’ll be home soon. Hopefully.”
“I can get you a gig on Walker anytime you want it dude, just ask.”
“Maybe. I kinda want to get with the guys and maybe work on that Supernatural stuff. I need good stuff to look forward to, you know?”
“I do,” said Jared. “As long as you come home eventually I’ll learn to live with just using your jet skis in the meantime.”
“See what I’ve been dealing with for over a decade?” asked Jensen.
“Oh yes. He’s horrible,” you teased. “We really shouldn’t have him sleepover then, should we?”
“You’re staying at the house?” asked Jensen with a grin.
“Duh. I didn’t just fly a thousand miles to not see you dude. I’m here all weekend. Let’s have some fun.”
“Boys I’m heading to bed,” you said around two in the morning. 
“Yeah we ought to go to bed ourselves,” said Jared.
“I’ll grab you some sheets and stuff,” said Jensen. You waved goodnight to Jared, heading down the hall towards your room when Jensen wrapped an arm around your waist. “I thought you were gonna sleep with me from now on.”
“I am. Want to check something real quick.”
“Hurry back,” he said. He kissed your temple and ducked into his room, leaving you in the hall. You went down to your own and checked your email, smirking when you saw what you were looking for. A rattling of fingers on the door made you glance up, Jensen smiling there. “Texting your other boyfriend?”
“No, I sort of...submitted one of my stories to a publisher. They’ve been talking to me this week and said they’d get back to me today on if they wanted to move forward. They want to do a five book deal. I already have the stories done and mostly drawn anyways. They gave me an offer just now.”
“That’s awesome,” he said. “Seriously. We’re gonna celebrate tomorrow for sure.”
“It’s no big deal,” you said.
“It really is,” he said. He picked you up and grinned, carrying you back to his room. “I’m proud of you.”
“They’re stupid stories,” you said.
“I love those stupid stories,” he said, setting you on the bed. “The kids do too.”
“You’re just saying that cause you’re supposed to say that.” You set your phone on the nightstand and crawled under the covers, Jensen pulling you into his chest when het got underneath.
“My children think their mom is really okay now. They don’t get sad anymore and they ask questions about her again and I don’t want to cry every time I talk about her because your story reminded me that the wolf dad can be happy again for him too. That’s really fucking important to me right now in life.”
“Okay Papa Wolf,” you said. You grinned and he returned it. “Night Jensen.”
“Goodnight sweetheart.”
Two Months Later
“Hey Jared,” you said as you answered your phone. “What’s up?”
“Jensen at work?”
“Yeah. Late night again,” you said. “He’s answering texts between breaks I think.”
“Cool,” he said.
“You need something?” you asked. 
“No, no. I’m good,” he said. “Thanks. I’ll catch you later.”
“You doing okay?” you asked.
“Yeah. Just want to talk to him for a minute,” he said. He was a little quiet and you sat down on the couch. 
“You want to talk to me?” you asked.
“That’s okay.”
“Jared...Jensen and I are starting to get serious which means we’re gonna be together a lot considering how you two can’t go more than a day without talking. We can be good friends too,” you said. He was quiet and you hoped you hadn’t sounded too corny.
“I uh, I have bad days sometimes. Really normal days can be bad days in my head. It’s kinda how I was built I guess,” he said. 
“Nothing wrong with that,” you said. “Today a bad day?”
“Kinda. Nothing happened. I had a normal day at work and home. I’m just off. He um...Jensen makes me feel better as lame as that sounds. Just talking for a few minutes helps my head get on track that somebody really does care.”
“He’s very good like that,” you said. “I know you mean the world to him. You’re his brother. It’s not lame that he makes you feel better. You make him feel better too. I owe you a lot for taking care of him after the accident.”
“I much prefer when I’m the one freaking out and he takes care of me,” chuckled Jared. “You guys coming home soon?”
“He’s got a few weeks left of filming but I might head down a little earlier, try to get the house sorted out down there with the kids and stuff,” you said. “He’s literally counting down the days.”
“He really likes working on the show though I thought.”
“Oh he does but he’s got a big circle on the calendar for the fifthteenth called Jared day. I think your boy is planning something fun.”
“I’m looking forward to it,” he said. “You mind if I ask a personal question?”
“Shoot, buddy,” you said, stretching in your seat.
“Do you love him?” he asked. 
“Going full throttle out of the gate I see,” you said.
“I know. I know how he talks about you though. There’s no...casual relationship with him.”
“Well I haven’t said it to him yet and he hasn’t said it to me so...maybe another time I’ll be able to answer that question.”
“It’s been almost four months. You get to spend more time together than most couples starting out. I’d think you know by now,” he said.
“I do. But he deserves to hear it before anyone else,” you said. 
“So you love him.”
“Most things I love have a habit of going away,” you said. 
“He won’t,” he said. “You do more than make him happy, Y/N. A lot more.”
“I just wish he didn’t hurt.”
“He hurts a lot less lately. Some of that’s time and some of it’s you. Enjoy being one of his best friends. He doesn’t let that many people in that close.”
“I know. We were supposed to be talking about you I thought.”
“Eh, sometimes I just need the talk. Thanks. I got somebody else I can call now too.”
“It’s never a problem,” you said.
“It’s getting late there. I’ll let you go. Thanks for talking, really. I feel better.”
“Anytime Jared.”
“You too, Y/N.”
Three Weeks Later
“Doug you’re a lifesaver,” you said as finished washing Jensen’s truck in the driveway back home in Austin. He smiled as he wiped off his hands and gave Arrow a wave goodbye. 
“I owed you for that 3am incident,” he said. “You got easy kids. Mine are vultures.”
“Yes, yes they are,” you laughed. He gave you a kiss on the check and smiled as he headed back for his car, another one coming down the open driveway. “Later Doug.”
“Later,” he said. Jensen exited the back of the car along with his backpack and a suitcase, the car pulling out, Doug following after.
“Hey. How was the flight?” you asked.
“Who was that?” he asked, dropping his bags on the pavement.
“Oh that’s just Doug. He’s a nanny. I needed an extra set of hands today watching the kids trying to finish up these chores before you got home and it was perfect timing,” you said. You smirked and walked over to kiss him, Jensen taking a step back. “Something wrong?”
“You kissed him.”
“No. I didn’t. He kissed my cheek,” you said. Jensen narrowed his eyes and you scoffed, wiping the sweat off your forehead. “Seriously? He’s my friend.”
“That kisses you.”
“He’s affectionate,” you said. “Also he’s kinda married so you can tone it down with the judgemental looks.”
“Oh. I’m sorry. You’re right. You should be able to kiss whoever you want despite being in a relationship,” he said. He grabbed his bags and brushed past you inside. You grumbled and went after him, finding him upstairs in his room. “What?”
“What stick is up your ass today? I haven’t seen you in almost three weeks. None of us have and you’re in a bad mood.”
“I was perfectly happy until I saw you kissing somebody else.”
“I wasn’t kissing him!”
“It didn’t look like that from my perspective.”
“Jensen.”
“Is this just a little game to you? You get bored of the older guy with kids finally?” he asked, crossing his arms. “Or maybe you just got caught finally.”
“I don’t cheat,” you said, getting in his face. “He kissed my cheek. I’ll call him to come back and explain this situation right now but I apparently you just think I’m a cheater.”
“Well maybe you are. Geez, we’ve been together over four months and no real sex yet? Cause that’s not sending red flags.”
“Because you weren’t fucking ready!” you shouted. “I’m not your wife and I’m never gonna be her. Don’t be mad at me for it.”
“No that’s for sure,” he said.
“The kids are in the front yard. Don’t expect me back today,” you said. You stormed downstairs and into your room, shoving some things in a bag before taking your purse and getting behind the wheel of your car. 
You were seeing red by the time you were out of the suburbs. You slammed your hand against the wheel and shouted.
“You fucking asshole,” you said. You sniffled and drove for a bit before finally pulling off. You drove down a long road, rolling your eyes when of course you passed by his brewery. You’d never been but he’d told you about it more than once. You kept going down the road, eventually finding a park to pull into. You shut off the car and shut your eyes, a knock on the window making you jump. You put down your window when you saw a cop there and did your best to wipe off your face.
“You’re double parked,” he said. 
“What?”
“You’re parked on the line,” he said. 
“Sorry,” you said. 
“Bad day?” he asked.
“Something like that,” you said. You could feel snot threatening to drip down your nose, the officer reaching into a pocket and handing you a tissue. “Thanks.”
“Best not to drive when you’re upset,” he said.
“Yeah. I’m just gonna sit here for a little while,” you said with a nod.
“Probably not a great idea to sit in a car next a playground,” he said. “The mom’s are kinda intense around here.”
“Of course they are,” you said, squeezing your eyes shut.
“Why don’t you move your car and you can join me on my patrol,” he said. “It’s only a short walk. Fresh air might do you good.”
“Last time I talked to another man my boyfriend sorta freaked out on me so maybe not a good idea,” you said. You blew your nose and realized what you’d said, the officer staring down. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Why don’t we take that walk so I can find out what you did mean.”
Two minutes later you were walking next to the cop. He had a baseball cap on and was in all black. You weren’t sure how he wasn’t boiling considering it was May in Austin.
“This boyfriend got a name?”
“You gonna run his name or something?” you asked.
“Do I need to?” he asked. You shook your head and he smiled. “He the jealous type? He get angry over you talking to other men?”
“It’s complicated.”
“If it doesn’t get uncomplicated I might have to pay this boyfriend a visit you understand.”
“His wife died last June.”
“Okay. I understand part of the complicated thing now.”
“Why’s he gotta be a dick? Called me a cheater,” you said. You crossed your arms and the cop chuckled. “Sorry.”
“As long as you don’t call me a dick we don’t got a problem. Did you cheat on him?”
“No. He...he works away and he just got home today and my guy friend was over helping me with watching my boyfriends kids while I did some chores and my guy friend is like, a really affectionate guy and he kissed my cheek as my boyfriend was coming in and my boyfriend thinks I was kissing him back and been cheating on him for the past three weeks.”
“Why don’t you just call the guy friend over to explain?”
“He got so pissed so fast and accused me of cheating. I’ve been dating him for nearly five months and he brings up the fact we haven’t had sex yet like that even matters when I’ve been holding back for him and he just blows up on me for fucking nothing,” you said.
“You’re both stubborn people, aren’t ya,” he said.
“Maybe,” you grumbled.
“Maybe this guy is scared and looking for a way out of the relationship. Or maybe he thinks you want out. You mentioned kids. That’s not easy.”
“He’s also...older. There’s an age gap. I was the nanny and now I’m the girlfriend nanny. He’s also kinda...famous,” you said.
“So there’s a lot of stress in this relationship then.”
“No,” you said, dropping your arms to your sides. “It’s not like that.”
“Maybe the dumb bastard just got scared of losing someone again,” he said. “Just a theory.”
“I wish he wasn’t scared,” you said. “I don’t know how to make him not afraid.”
“You ever think maybe he said that because you’re getting in there pretty good now and he’s getting real scared that losing you might hurt just as bad as this wife did.”
“He’s an idiot. But he’s my idiot,” you said. 
“Talk to him. Get an apology and try to forgive him.”
“I already forgive him. I know him. He was scared and I got mad instead of realizing after so many weeks apart all he needed was a freaking hug.”
“Then go home and give him a hug,” he said.
“Thanks,” you said with a nod. “I must have looked like a hot mess or something.”
“Oh for sure,” he chuckled. You smiled and he laughed. “That looks better.”
“Jensen probably left like five messages on my phone by now,” you said. The cop you were with paused and smiled. “What?”
“A kinda famous Jensen. There’s really only one of those in town,” he said.
“Oh. Yeah. Please don’t share that he’s dating. He really wants to keep things private for a lot of reasons right now,” you said.
“He’s my buddy.”
“Your buddy?”
“We went to school together,” he said. “In tenth grade he went for a slide on second base, ripped his pants right down the middle. His hanes bright blue covered ass still managed to get around to home base.”
“He split his pants in a baseball game?” you smiled.
“I know quite a few of his dirty secrets,” he said. “I don’t really know that whole acting thing but him I know and that must make you Y/N. You ever in trouble kid, ever just got a bad feeling and want a cop to come by, give me a call.”
“Thanks,” you said as you took his card. “You really think he’s a dumb bastard?”
“Oh knowing it’s him, 100%. Give him a break. We like him when he smiles,” he said.
“I’m gonna give him a call,” you said. “We should hang out sometime now that Jensen has a break.”
“Definitely. I gotta finish my patrol,” he said. “Take care Y/N.”
“Bye,” you said as you headed back towards your car. You pulled out your phone and saw seven missed calls and twelve unread texts. You tapped the screen and put the phone up to your ear, only ringing for a second.
“I’m sorry,” said Jensen.
“Me too.”
“I’m the one that...shit I’m so sorry, Y/N. I don’t know what happened.”
“You missed me and you were scared and seeing Doug probably hurt like a bitch,” you said.
“I’m so sorry. I don’t want to be the stupid jealous boyfriend.”
“I’m not too far from your brewery if you want to meet there. Get a beer. Blow this over,” you said.
“I’m sorry.”
“I forgive you. Stop apologizing. I want to give you a hug,” you said. 
“I’ll meet you there in thirty minutes?” he asked.
“I’ll see you soon honey.”
“Hi,” said Jensen as you sat at a quiet table in the back, sipping on a beer and eating a piece of pizza. You smiled and stood up, giving him a hug. He tucked his head down and sighed. “I’m sorry.”
“Hey we survived our first big fight as a couple,” you said. “That deserves beer and pizza.”
He sat down next to you, forcing a smile on his face. You reached over and cupped his cheek, Jensen turning into it. 
“Please forgive yourself,” you said.
“I don’t really want to,” he said.
“You called me a cheater. I get what I want today and that’s for you to forgive yourself.”
“I don’t know why I said that.”
“Jensen,” you said, stroking his cheek. “I love you.”
He stared at you, a different look in his eyes, the tiniest sliver of a smile peeking through. You inched closer and slid your hand around to the back of his neck, pulling him into a kiss. He felt softer than usual, lips barely moving against yours. 
“I love you,” he said. He wrapped his arms around you and grinned. “I have loved you for a very long time.” You kissed him again, Jensen returning it. 
He left his arm around your back, smirking when you did the same to him.
“Can we forget about earlier?” you asked. He nodded and rested his head on your shoulder.
“One last I’m sorry though,” he said.
“Just don’t call me that again and we’re all good, Jens,” you said. “Now eat some of this pizza so I don’t feel like a glutton.”
“I don’t have to slip into a superhero costume any more so dad bod here I come,” he chuckled.
“Does that mean Solider Boy meets some untimely end?”
“No spoilers,” he said. “But I don’t think I’ll be going back to that show. At least as often. I know I want to direct an episode of walker in the fall. I talked to Jared about it actually so that’ll be fun. I might do a duck and run guest appearance on it. I’ll line up something for next year but I want to be home for awhile, do work around here.” 
“I know quite a few people who would be more than okay with that,” you said. 
“Don’t make any plans for Saturday,” he smirked.
“I thought you were having your Jared day tomorrow.”
“Oh we are. Gen invited you and the kids over. She’d like to get to know you. You’ll love her,” he said.
“So what’s Saturday then?” you asked.
“I’d like to take you and the kids out on the boat. We haven’t been since before the accident. Maybe we can go out for dinner and put up the tent in the backyard, have a sleepover out there with the kids.”
“That sounds fun.”
“And...I’d like to maybe next week take you out for the day, just us, maybe...spend the night somewhere,” he said.
“Like a hotel?” you asked.
“Yeah. Or the kids can have a sleepover at Jared’s. Maybe.” He glanced down and you moved your arm from his back, reaching behind yourself to hold his hand. Green eyes flickered over to yours and you smiled. “I’m-”
“You know if you keep apologizing about earlier I’m not going to have sex with you,” you said. “That’s just facts.”
“Okay,” he chuckled. “No more apologies. Aside from...I really am sorry about what I said. I’m the one that’s been holding back and not once have you asked for more.”
“We said we’d take it slow and that’s okay,” you said. He squeezed your hand and nodded. “I don’t like you because you’re attractive or your hair is great or your arms are massive. Having fun with you is fun but that’s not why I’m here.”
“I don’t know if I can give you things you want,” he said.
“Just give me you and that’s good with me,” you said.
“Okay,” he said quietly. You scooted closer to him, Jensen tucking a stray hair behind your ear. “Let’s do it now.”
“Uh, what?” you said, taking a sip from your beer.
“The kids aren’t home and I don’t want to wait and-”
“You don’t have to ask me twice,” you said, knocking back your beer and flipping the cardboard down over your pizza. He stared and you burped, picking up the box. “There’s like six slices left and this is too good to waste, even for sex.”
“You have literally never been more attractive than in this moment,” he said. 
“I could be.”
“I’ll see you at the house in twenty?”
“Yes you will Ackles.”
Forty minutes later you hand was slapping against his headboard, legs squeezed so tight around his waist you were shocked he wasn’t complaining. You moaned loudly as he teased your clit and he delivered one more hard thrust. He grunted as you gripped his shoulder with your other hand.
“Jensen,” you breathed out. “I’m right there. Please, please, please…”
You arched your back when he thrust hard, fingers rubbing just a bit rougher and you came all around him, every muscle tensed and riding out that high, long, deep, absolutely perfect orgasm. Jensen thrust a few more times before he groaned and rested his head on your shoulder, big panting breaths fanning over your skin. 
He was sweaty but pulled out slowly, plopping down on the bed beside you, hand resting on his chest.
“I don’t know about you but that was good,” he said. “Damn good.”
You giggled between breaths, nodding your head slightly. You tilted it over towards his, Jensen already staring at you with soft hooded green eyes. 
“Definitely damn good,” you breathed. His lips tugged up into a smile, warm and gentle, his head inching closer to you. You sat up and leaned down to kiss him, Jensen breaking off when he needed air. You trailed a finger down his chest before climbing out of bed and excusing yourself to the bathroom. After you cleaned up you found Jensen chucking the condom in the trash and wiping himself off quickly. 
“Come here you,” he said. He picked you up bridal style and carried you back to the bed, laying you down carefully. “I’m big on after sex cuddling just so you know.”
“I find that to be a very attractive quality,” you said as he lay down. He reached down to the end of the bed and grabbed the bunched up blanket, pulling it over the two of you. His arm slid under your head and he pulled you into his side, encouraging you to use him as a pillow. “You’re warm.”
“So are you,” he said. He kissed your temple and let out a deep breath. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“I never thought I’d be able to do that ever again. Let alone not feel bad about doing it,” he said.
“You okay?”
“I’m great,” he said. “Really. I know Dee would have been telling me to not worry so I didn’t. I don’t...I feel like I can talk about her again, you know?”
“You used to call her your wife a lot. Recently you’ve been saying her name more. I think you really are healing, Jensen.”
“I knew the second you left earlier I messed up. I dropped the kids off at Jared’s and then I wound up at the cemetery. I saw these purple flowers there. It’s kinda a different flower but they were her favorite. I’ve only ever told one other person those were her favorites,” he said. You traced your finger over his pec and rested your palm flat on his chest. “Why’d you put flowers there?”
“Why wouldn’t I Jensen?”
“That’s how I knew I can stop being so scared when it comes to you. Purple fucking flowers. You’re just…”
“I love you too,” you said, giving his whole body a squeeze. He returned it, holding you for a long time, neither one of you saying a word. It wasn’t until you noticed the light starting to change in the room that you both moved. 
“Y/N,” said Jensen when you sat upright. You looked over your shoulder, a smile on his face. “Do you want to stay upstairs with me from now on instead of your room? It’s okay if-”
“I’d love to,” you said. “To be honest, I slept up here the other night.”
“You did?” he asked as you nodded.
“I missed you.”
“Me too,” he said.
“I know three little faces that really missed you too,” you said. He smiled and nodded. “Let’s go get the rascals.”
______
A/N: Read Part 9 here!
495 notes · View notes
kohanayaki · 3 years ago
Text
.:Time and Time Again:. (Marauders Era x Reader) Ch 5
Harry confronts you with a familiar piece of suspiciously folded parchment, and you tell him the story of how you helped create it (mostly told through flashbacks taking place in the Marauders era).
LINKS:   CH 1   CH 2    CH 3   CH 4   CH 5   CH 6   CH 7   CH 8
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Ch 5 .:Narrow Spaces and New Alliances:. 
Your eyes drifted open slowly, the bright streams of sunlight coming in through your window strangely unbecoming of 12 Grimmauld Place. It took you a moment to get your bearings as you rubbed the sleep out of your eyes and remembered where you were. As you sat there, looking around Sirius' guest bedroom, last night's events all seemed to flood back to you at once. You groaned into the comforter, feeling your face burn as you recalled blatantly staring at his lips just minutes after crying into his shirt for at least half an hour.
Come on, get it together, you thought to yourself, you're here because Dumbledore summoned you, stay on task.
However, as soon as that memory left your head another replaced it, this one weighing heavier on your chest. You found yourself thinking back to your encounter with Severus. Well, as much as you could call it an 'encounter.' Even when you couldn't see him, you could feel him when you reached out to him with your mind. Severus was good at blocking legillemency— too good, in fact, because you would know the familiar force of his mental shield anywhere. You'd never felt it as powerful coming from anyone else. You almost laughed at the irony of it; the very thing he was trying to use to keep hidden was exactly what had given him away. That, and the smell of him, which took you back to the moment you'd first smelled that damn amortentia potion. . .
You tried to shake off the thought as you properly got out of bed and changed into some casual clothes. The next Order meeting wasn't until tomorrow afternoon, so you had the day mostly to yourself, but you knew the next time you were all in a room together you would have to address some things privately if you had any hope of working together efficiently. You gently padded down the wooden stairs, the door to Sirius' room still closed. He never was an early riser.
As you reached the kitchen you began to put a pot of coffee on when you heard someone approach the room, stalling in the kitchen entrance. You turned around to see Harry in the doorway.
“Morning,” you grinned, turning back to the counter and using your wand to bring some water to a boil, “Coffee? Tea?”
“Oh,” Harry said, a bit embarrassed you'd caught him in mid-thought, “no, I'm okay.”
“What's on your mind?” you asked.
“Um, I was wondering if you could tell me, I mean, if you have the time. . .” he trailed off, reaching for his back pocket, “well, the thing is, a few years ago I found—”
“Kreacher heard sounds coming from the kitchen and did not expect (Y/n)'s return,” Harry jumped at the house elf's sudden arrival, but you seemed unphased.  
“Though master's half mudblood godson remains here,” the elf muttered to himself, “How many more days must it be?”
“Hello, Kreacher,” you greeted him, “nothing nasty about Harry, now, alright? Don't forget he's my godson too.”
“Of course,” Kreacher said, thickly sarcastic but with respect for you in his tone nonetheless. His permanent frown seemed to deepen, however, when he saw you next to the coffee maker. “(Y/n) of house (L/n) should not have to be using the kitchen. Mistress Black would have wept to see a pureblood use muggle equipment. If (Y/n) requires refreshment Kreacher will have it ready.”
“There's no need for that,” you said, “Besides, it's done already, see? You can go on now.”
Kreacher squinted at the cup you poured for yourself. “Always peculiar,” he grumbled, stalking away at your request and muttering to himself all the while.
“He's oddly. . . nice to you,” Harry said, green eyes quizzical behind his round-framed glasses.
“He is,” you chuckled.
“But, well, you're—”
“A blood traitor?” you gave him an easy smile when you saw his expression, easing his fears that he'd actually offended you. “I know,” you said, “he's been through a lot, it's complicated. Trust me, he wasn't always like this to me. It takes time. And it doesn't hurt to be nice to him either.”
Harry decided against bringing up that the nicest person that he knew to the house elf was Hermione, who Kreacher regularly called a 'mudblood wench,' but decided to focus on the 'taking time' part of your statement, wondering  just how long this kind of progress took with the spiteful elf. Besides, you seemed to have some sort of history with him.
“Anyways, what was it you were saying?” you asked Harry.
“Oh, right,” he said, reaching back around him, “um, my friends Fred and George, you've met them?”
“Molly and Arthur's twins, of course,” you smiled, “little imps, they are. Those two could give your father and Sirius a run for their money.”
“Right!” Harry said, “well, that's sort of the point. They're the ones who gave me this.”
As you turned around to face him you stalled mid-stir, nearly dropping your mug as you did. Even as a piece of blank parchment you knew what it was, the distinctive accordion folds that met in the center giving it away.
“How in the world. . .” you trailed off as Harry handed it to you, “but Filch—”
“Didn't do a very good job of hiding it, apparently,” Harry finished, “I thought you might want to do the honors?”
You nodded wordlessly, a pang of unexpected emotion hitting you as you pressed your wand to the map's center.
“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”
The faded, brown ink showed itself as its protection charm was washed away, revealing the nostalgia-inducing inscription scrawled in your respective handwritings:
Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs, and Fangs are proud to present: The Marauders Map
“Do Remus and Sirius know you have this?” you asked Harry, who nodded.
“Professor Lupin gave it back to me third year before he left Hogwarts,” he said, “but he never told me anything about it after that.” he seemed deep in thought for a moment before looking up at you. “If everyone else is who I think it is, you're Fangs, right?”
It was your turn to nod now.
“I always wondered, how did you do it?” Harry said, hardly containing his curiosity, and you couldn't help but think how much he looked like James in that moment. “How does it work? What sort of magic did you use? All the secret passageways, how did you find them?”
“Alright, slow down,” you laughed lightly, giving in, “I suppose there's no harm in telling you.”
Harry brightened at that, bounding into the living room and taking a seat on the couch as if to say 'we've got all day,' which you did. It warmed your heart to see him so excited, this was one of the only ways he could get to know his parents— through the stories that remained from the people who loved them. If you could help the picture of his family in his mind become a bit clearer, you would tell him any story he wanted to know. He deserved that much after everything he'd been through.
You took a seat opposite him, still nursing your cup of coffee.
“Well,” you said, “it's a long story, starting with how bad those lot were at keeping secrets. . .”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   1974   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Run!” James half shouted half laughed as Filch hobbled after the four of them. Sirius nearly bit his tongue trying to keep in his laughter as the Caretaker slung insults and promises of punishment their way, cat ears and a tail freshly sprouted from his body.
“I can't believe we actually did that,” Sirius cackled, keeping easy pace with James.
“I can't believe you dragged me into this,” Remus panted, his current body not lending itself well to physical activity. For once he actually wished he was a werewolf right about now.
“I don't know if I can keep up,” Peter wheezed, falling behind.
“Oh come on,” James said, grabbing his sleeve and helping him run, “we can out run a gummy-legged old prat like him.”
“I don't know, he's faster than he looks,” Remus pointed out as Filch rounded the corner behind them.
“Damn,” James cursed under his breath, “we'll lose him if we can make it to the one-eyed-witch passageway.”
“We'll never activate it in time,” Remus countered.
“The hallway behind the third floor tapestry?” Peter suggested.
“No, Filch knows about that one now,” Sirius said.
“Why the hell didn't you bring your cloak?” Remus huffed.
“Well getting caught wasn't supposed to be part of the plan, but someone had to let out a laugh before we could get out!”
“Just save your air and sprint!” Sirius hissed.
The extended run time was starting to catch up to all of them now, and when they'd made a wrong turn to a blocked off corridor they thought they were done for.
“Hey, morons, over here!”
Four heads snapped towards the sound of your whisper, but you were nowhere to be found. Suddenly, one of the light pillars began to shift, revealing a large crack in the wall just big enough for them to fit sideways.
No questions were asked with no time to waste, and the four boys clamored after one another so they could fit inside. Your magic moved the pillar back in place just in time, and you watched from your hiding spot as Filch reached the walled-off passage in surprise, grumbling as he looked around for the culprits behind you. You had to stifle a snicker as his cat ears lowered; was that growling coming from the back of this throat or did you imagine that? Eventually he stumbled off in frustration and you sighed.
“Alright, the coast is clear,” you said.
“Why did you help us?” James rose a brow, that signature shit-eating grin back on his face like it never left, “you haven't fallen in love with me since our truce, have you?”
“Dream on, Potter,” you rolled your eyes, pushing him out of the crevice and smirking as he tumbled to the floor.
“It seems like I'm always saving you nowadays,” you said, stepping out of the wall yourself with the rest of the boys following.
Remus was thoroughly confused, looking pointedly between you and Sirius. He knew you and James were pretty much friends now, but he also noticed that the hostile air that always seemed to be present with you and the elder Black had diminished. He'd even seen you two talking in the halls lately. Sirius gave him a look; he would explain what happened in the forest with Lucius to Remus later. Mostly he didn't want to admit that Remus was right about you not being so bad if he gave you a chance; you had actually been getting on pretty well since that night.
“You do realize it's no fun winning the house cup when you four practically make Gryffindor ineligible every year with all the shit you get up to, right?” you chuckled, “some competition would be nice for a change.”
“We'll see if you're singing the same tune when Quidditch season rolls around,” James said smugly.
“You're right,” you said, squaring up against him, “guess that's a new competition we've got going for us.”
It had recently been announced that you and James had both been selected to play Seeker for your respective houses next year. It was an arrangement that had the whole school talking, your rivalry turned (mostly) friendship now infamous, even if it was a recent occurrence.
“Hold on, how did you know that was there?” Peter asked you, pointing to the moving column, “even we didn't know about it.”
“Oh?” you crossed your arms, “and are you four supposedly some kind of all-knowing secret masters? Because clearly there's things you don't know about yet.”
Sirius slapped a hand over Peter's mouth before he could retaliate and give away what they've been working on.
“Yes, well, apparently,” he said, ignoring Peter's muffled protests.
You looked at them curiously, all four boys looking suspiciously nervous.
The next day at breakfast, James had brought up the idea of 'hiring' you to help them finish the map.
“I'm telling you, I think we can really make progress with their help,” he pitched, “they clearly know what they're talking about, and we know they can pull a hell of a prank from all the times they've gotten me.”
“How do we know they won't tell anyone?” Peter countered, “I don't know what's up with you, but you're trusting them too fast, James.”
“They're not the type that would tell,” Remus admitted.
“Oh, not you too!” Peter whined.
“I'm just saying, they'll likely appreciate what we've gathered so far and have a fair bit to add,” Lupin insisted, “it could be worth a try if you really want to finish it before we graduate—”
“Finish what?”
The four boys jolted upright, turning to see you and Lily.
“Are you guys okay?” Lily asked, concern written across her features.
“Of course!”
“Never better!”
“Why wouldn't we be?”
Remus just groaned at his friends' panicked answers. This was hopeless.
You and Lily shared a knowing look off the the side.
“Alright, whatever you say. . .”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Harry laughed heartily,
“Wow, I mean, I know you said they were bad, but that bad?”
“For being expert pranksters who hardly ever managed to get caught, they were remarkably terrible at hiding things,” you said, chuckling along with him, “It didn't take us long to figure out they were up to something, although they seemed to think they were brilliant at covering it up, Remus had to burst their bubble eventually.”
Harry shook his head, smiling fondly and imagining all the scenes in his head as you continued your tale.
“So that was when they were first starting to put the map together,” you continued, “but that wasn't even the biggest secret they were hiding. Of course, I wouldn't find out about that for another year, but we'll get to that part of the story later. . .”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   1975   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“This tastes awful,” Sirius complained, trying to ignore the plant prodding the under-side of his tongue.
“Well if you were expecting treacle toffee I'm sorry to disappoint,” James rolled his eyes, equally nauseated by the bitter tinge of the Mandrake leaf in his mouth.
“There's no way someone can do this for an entire month,” Peter said, “How do you brush your teeth? What if you accidentally swallow it when you're eating?”
“You three have fun with that,” Remus chuckled, flipping through an old library book and his mouth gratefully leafless.
“How about some gratitude, Moony?” James said, “We're doing this for you.”
“Please, you just want to see if you can turn into a dragon or something,” Lupin chortled, “and you don't actually have to go through with all this. Who knows if this animagus stuff will actually work.”
“Well, a dragon would suit me,” James mused, “but of course we're going to see this through, mate. You know we'd do anything for you.”
Remus smiled to himself, not responding and not needing to. He knew.
“Hey guys,” you grinned, walking up to the Gryffindor table.
Peter gulped suddenly in surprise as you came up behind him, and his eyes widened in horror.
“Shit!” he coughed out, “I-I swallowed it!”
“Your. . . food?” you questioned, glancing over at the boys who all had that same, vaguely panicked look about them.
“Okay, it was funny at first, but you guys have been acting weird since last year and now it's worrying,” you admitted.
The four looked between themselves and came to a sort of silent conclusion. Maybe in this scenario it was better to tell one secret to keep the other. And so, later that night, they told you to meet them after lights out so they could tell you what was really going on. You snuck out of your dorm room and made your way through the secret tunnel to the Gryffindor common room, a route you'd taken plenty of times to mess with James.
You pushed a loose panel of wood open, coming into the warmly lit space through one of the cabinets. You pushed an armchair that was half blocking your path out of the way as you crawled through the space.
“Blimey!” Sirius jumped, “give us a heads up, would you?”
“Sush,” Remus scolded him, “you really don't understand the concept of an inside voice, do you?”
“Alright, well I'm here,” you said, brushing off your robes, “now what's this big secret? This better not be a trick because I've been working on a new hex.”
“Nothing like that,” James assured you, “we've been working on something we think you might be interested in, if you're willing to contribute.”
He stepped to the side so you could see the floor where they'd been huddled around and your eyes widened.
“Merlin,” you said. The red and gold carpet was covered in at least forty different pieces of parchment. Pages upon pages overlapped with each other, each messily detailing a different part and level of the castle in scribbles of smudged ink. “This is. . .”
“The entirety of the Hogwarts castle and surrounding land,” Sirius said proudly, “complete with secret passageways.”
“This is our lives' work, (Y/n),” James said, “be impressed!”
“What impresses me most is how none of you have any sense of scale,” you said, sifting through the papers, “you should really condense this. Kind of hard to make any use of a map if you have to flip to page thirty-three to find the kitchens.”
“Point taken,” Remus said, “it could do with some reorganization.”
“And probably a bigger piece of paper,” you mentioned.
“Right, that. . .”
“That's not all there is to it, though,” Peter said, “Sirius?”
The curly haired boy stepped forward, pressing his wand to the center of the floor.
“Revelare Popularis,”
You watched in wonder as hundreds of names suddenly appeared across the pieces of paper, all students and faculty you recognized. They were scrawled in Sirius' handwriting, as if he'd written them himself.
“This spell shows where everyone in any location on this map is at this very moment,” he said, “It's not exact, and we've been working on variations.”
“So you can plan ahead without getting caught,” you mused, “how'd you learn something as advanced as this, Black?”
“I get around,” Sirius shrugged, unabashedly showing off. Peter rolled his eyes.
“So, the only drawback, of course, is that the spell doesn't work in real time,” Remus said, “so by the time you get where you need to go. . .”
“People will have moved,” James finished, “we're willing to share this little trove of knowledge with you if you're willing to give up all the secret rooms, passages, and hiding places you know.”
“And we thought you may have a solution to our timing problem,” Remus said, “I could tell from our study sessions you quite enjoy learning ahead of your year.”
Your eyes scanned the pages, and you were admittedly impressed. There was ton of stuff on here you had no idea about, but you knew a fair amount was missing as well. It seemed like a fair trade.
“I'm in,” you said.
“What?” Peter blinked, “it was that easy?”
“This is a useful tool you've got,” you said, “I think we can all benefit from it being improved. And now that you mention it, I actually do think I've read about a similar spell to that paper charm. It was in some Gaelic tome in the restricted section on ancient magic. I'm not even sure it used a wand. It was called the Homunculus charm. From what I read it sounded like it acted as a live feed for people in any given location, clan leaders used it to plan ambushes and keep track of citizens. If we could link it to the entire castle. . .”
“We'd be able to see where everyone is—”
“And what they're doing—”
“—At every hour of every day!”
“True, albeit a bit stalkerish,” you quipped, “you let me in on this if I add in what I know, and you got yourself a deal.”
James put out his hand, and as tempted as you were to turn it green or make all the bones in it disappear, you reached out and shook it.
“I do believe this puts us in a formal alliance, Potter,” you said cheekily.
“I believe so,” James smirked.
“Terrifying,” Remus chuckled, “This school won't even know what hit it.”
“Well, what are we waiting for?” James said with a cheshire grin, “let's steal ourselves a book, shall we?”
Read chapter 6 here!
Taglist:  @sleep-i-ness, @blackpinkdolan, @parker-natasha, @ornella0910 @undertaker1827 @thatwierdo-koemi @nxstalgicnxbxdy @calaryssia @aleksanderwh0r3 @mialupin1
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alreadyblondenow · 4 years ago
Text
Sweet | Jung Jaehyun
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❤︎ Jaehyun x female!reader ❤︎ Fluff? Smut, Smut, Smut, Smut, Tiny bit of angst, College AU, Established relationship ❤︎ 2/4 for LOVE MONTH SERIES: Boys Don’t Cry One is a big number | You and your words | Sweet | He loves me, he loves me not |
Summary: Jaehyun has always been in love with you but he thinks so highly of you that he never tried pursuing his feelings for you. All throughout your college years, Jaehyun endured every heartbreak secretly whenever you have a new boyfriend and can only love you secretly in his own ways. Wild. College years was wild and its all because of Jaehyun. After college, you and Jaehyun parted ways but life will reunite you again in the most shocking way. Jaehyun’s wedding.  
Word count: 13,707k
Warnings: Sex, sex, sex, and loads of sex, unprotected sex, loss of virginity, making of sex tape (with consent), making of amateur porn? (with consent), cam boys and cam girl?? idk what to call that but they fuck live, mentions of alcohol, period fingering, mentions of tampon, dry humping, oral sex female receiving, mentions of blowjob, slight blowjob scene,  mentions of other idols, swearing, college students who just wanna have fun haha, kissing and touching, fingering, and slight nipple play, mentions of having sex with Johnny. AH SLIGHT BREAK UP SEX! 
A/N: PURE FICTION. PURE FICTION. PURE FICTION. okay, I know I said that this will be out on Jaehyun’s birthday but meh whatever I’m posting it and will post something else for hearts day. hehe. I hope you guys love this even though im just experimenting and trying to write longer fics, and seriously I wanted to write back to back smut with different feels so I guess im crossing that out of my bucket list. Also this is proof read once only so sorry. You may not be happy with the ending but I’m sure as hell happy with it so sorry. ​
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Humans are prone to fall in love with the wrong people and the only thing you can do about it is to forgive yourself and move on. No matter how much history you had, no matter how many special moments or intimate ones you shared… if you know that he or she is not the right person for you then, you know.
Like this moment right now. For exactly ten minutes, you will realize why you and a certain someone never worked out.
“Hey, boss you have a 10 am meeting. Planning for everything” Your assistant says as you double-check your schedule to see the name of the client she’s talking about. “That’s the bride though, 0% progress for the wedding” she added.
“Yikes” you murmur and ready your stuff, “let’s fix that and give her a beautiful wedding. I need you to take down everything she says while I talk to her” you straighten your clothes and fix yourself before you face the client.
The moment you enter the room, the bride greets you with a big smile like she’s saying ‘thank you for saving me and my wedding’ even though you literally haven't done anything yet. Oh, you love seeing those hopeful eyes in every bride. “I’m just waiting for my fiancé, he’s the one who recommends coming here and I have a great feeling that I will have a beautiful wedding because of you”
“And my team,” you added and finished her sentence, “I want to introduce you to my assistant, she will be taking care of every request you say during our discussion later”
“And I want to introduce you to my fiancé, Jaehyun,” she said with a big smile and walked towards his fiancé.
And just like that your ordinary day at the office became extraordinary. Because nothing is normal about Jung Jaehyun, nothing is normal about those dimpled smile that automatically makes your heart skip a beat.
“Baby, this is the wedding organizer” her smile has no hint of mock, she’s not even proud that she has a very handsome fiancé and obviously she doesn’t know who you are. She’s just happy that she’s marrying Jaehyun. That’s all. And in those eyes, you see that Jaehyun is in the right hands.
“Mhmm. Me, Johnny, and Ms. Y/n right here are dorm mates. So you’re talking to the best wedding organizer,” you snorted at what Jaehyun said.
“Thank you for that introduction Jung, now let’s talk about your wedding”
And so, you worked your magic to them the whole morning. Explaining things, showing stuff, asking them what they want. From the wedding reception, wedding dress appointments, and picking of cakes… she has no idea of what she wants. Good thing you do know what you’re doing and you planned everything smoothly after a few hours. And for hours and hours, you watched them smile at each other, lowkey flirted in front of you but you didn’t feel any jealousy, hurt, or regret.
When the exhausting meeting was finally done and finally you’re alone at your office, a soft knock brought you back to reality and a familiar voice was behind it. “Can I come in?” Jaehyun asks.
“Of course, it’s open” you watch him enter your office like he’s some kind of a ghost and made the room cold in an instant.
“I just want to say thank you for helping us out- thank goodness the world is small… Literally, the wedding will be a mess”
“Just doing my job Jae,” you smiled sweetly to him, “your fiancé is lovely-“
“I did love you Y/n. And I’m sorry for hurting you like that, I told you, you deserve better. I’m glad we both found our happiness” he flashed that dimpled smile again and thanked you one last time.
The little reunion ended with small smiles, nods here and there, and in just a few seconds Jaehyun is out from your office and quickly replaced by your assistant to give you your afternoon coffee. Awkward and curious, she placed the coffee in front of you. Obviously, she wanted to know your past with the groom. And when she finally dropped the question, you remembered everything, moments crashing and drowning you right this instance.
Eight years ago  
“Are you even trying, you’re no fun!”  
Your best friend shouts at you from the other side of the table, waiting for you to throw the ball, waiting for you to miss. It was just beer pong but you don’t know why the game was so fucking frustrating and no matter how hard you concentrate you can’t score. Maybe it’s because you’re all alone and you’re competing against your best friend and her boyfriend. Fuck that you thought, you don’t need a man.
“Fuck” you murmur and miss again. You watch your best friend’s boyfriend score another one and of course, you have to drink again. But just when you’re about to get the ball from drink, a stranger’s hand was quick to get the cup, remove the ball and drink the alcohol.
“Mind if I join and help you win?” He flashed you a dimpled smile that immediately made you smile back at him. You take back what you said earlier, maybe you do need someone.
“Come on! Let him in, maybe he’s a better competition” your best friend shouts once again. Oh, you’re very happy that you’re not going to the same college.
As you welcome the handsome stranger and gave him the honor of throwing the ball, you warned him first that your opponents can be very annoying but he doesn't seem to care and just let out a small laugh. Cocky you thought, but confidence looks sexy on him.
And finally. Fucking finally, your best friend had a taste of her own medicine.
“I’m Jaehyun by the way,” he was lowkey flirting with you and you’re not stupid to not notice. “Here, I’ll teach you how to throw” he put the ball in your palm and stood behind you, hands on your waist to keep you steady, arms raised together, and you swear his lips were so near at your nape that you got shivers whenever he talks. “let the ball bounce near a cup and it will land on one” he added. But how can you score if he’s making it hard for you? You did it anyways, threw the ball near a cup and he was right. It landed on the cup you wish to aim and finally, you’re starting to have fun.
The game went on and you and Jaehyun flirted, talked, and exchange deep glances the entire game but winning it at the same time. His one hand is always around your waist even if it's not necessary whenever he’s the one throwing the ball, and whenever the other team scores, he’s the one drinking the alcoholic beverage for you.
At the end of the game, you and Jaehyun won the golden prize which is very awkward when he showed it to you.
“All that frustration and competition for a condom?” you can’t believe that the prize is a single condom.
“We don’t have to use it, it can just be our trophy you know” he let out a small laugh and put the condom in his pocket, and changed the subject.
As the night went deeper, you and Jaehyun had your own little world in that corner at the kitchen with a beer in your hand while you talk about your interest from music to movies. It was pretty crowded but no one seems to care especially Jaehyun because he loves how incredibly close he is to you right now. Until a drunk person bumped Jaehyun and he accidentally spilled his beer on your blouse. Seems like the universe is making a way for you two to eventually hook up and use the condom.
“Shit-shit!” Jaehyun was panicking at the moment and he doesn’t know what to do other than remove his hoodie and cover you with it before anyone sees your see-through blouse and took you somewhere less crowded to help you clean up the mess he put you through.
In a stranger's room upstairs, he locked the door to let you change while he looks for something to dry your clothes with. Luckily, he saw a hairdryer and quickly plugged it in beside the bed and started drying your shirt.
You were conscious for some time, clinging to a stranger's blanket with nothing but your pants underneath it. You watch Jaehyun dry your bra, checking it from time to time if it's ready to go. And when it's finally dry, he hands it to you with an awkward smile but still managed to make your heart beat fast. “I’m really sorry,” he started, a quickly avoided his gaze from you again as you turn your back from him, put down the blanket, and wear your bra like there's no one with you.
“It was an accident, don’t beat yourself up,” you said, there’s no way he’s going to let this go you’re sure of it, so with all your bravery, you came closer to him while he's busy drying your blouse and kissed him on the cheek. “You've been saving me the whole night. You saved me from boredom and from losing and now, you're drying my clothes. So sweet of you,” you added and looked at him sweetly, resting your forehead on his and making the moment even more intense by putting down the blanket in front of him. Allowing him to see you with only wearing your bra and pants, inviting him to make this moment unforgettable for the two of you.
Of course, he's not stupid and did exactly what you had in mind. In one swift moved his lips are on your lips, hands on your shoulders to put your bra straps down, and you unclasped your bra and threw it on the floor before you started to kiss him more intensely.
Jaehyun kissed you exactly how you wanted to be kissed, with want and with lust. His breath and the sound of wet kisses sounded perfect as it surrounds the room. You felt him bite your neck then feel him smile against your skin when his intentions of turning you on even more is working.
Kisses became deeper, playful, and wet when he started to go down to your chest and started kissing the valley between your boobs. His big hands knead your right boob, while his left hand is placed on your waist. Oh when his tongue brushed on your nipple for the first time, you rolled your head back and arched your back as if you wanted him to do more and play more with your boobs.
And just like that the cold night became warm and you feel it getting warmer and warmer by every second and it’s all because of Jaehyun.
He flashed a dimpled smile at you when he saw that you're more than liking what he's doing to you and stopped to open the lampshade. The room was immediately softly illuminated which you thought is romantic even though everything that’s happening right now is totally unplanned.
"Your boobs have spit all over, wait let me get that for you" you were just about to tell him that it's fine but he was quick to remove his shirt and reveal his godlike body right before your eyes. “If you just want to kiss and touch the whole night, I’m fine with that but I am very horny right now that I got you covered with spit,” he said while wiping his spit from your boobs and chest using his shirt.  
If you’re perfectly honest, you’re nervous about what can happen in the next few minutes. But there’s no way in hell that you’re going to let this pass, it’s not every day a handsome man is eager to fuck you. You just have to suck it up, not tell him that you’re a virgin, perform and look like you know what you’re doing. "No, it's fine I'm horny too" and you proved it by kissing him again, cupping his face with both of your hands, and with all your strength you roll on top of him. "Wait here," you said as you push him back on the mattress when he tried to get a hold of you.
You went down from the bed to remove your pants and underwear, he did the same as quickly as he can and you think he's cute for being excited to fuck. You crawled in between his legs, sat nicely on top of him but the impatient guy sat up and met your lips again. One hand supporting his weight, one hand on your waist. "You're so fucking beautiful I'm having a hard time to breath for the last few minutes" he whispers so sexily while kissing your jaw, leaving his mark to remind you the next day about tonight.
For a minute, you felt shy because you've never been naked with someone in bed. But the way Jaehyun kisses you makes you trust him, the way he touches your body with care make you want him more. And again, those fucking lips just made you roll your hips against his hardening cock and it made you both moaned so good that he asked you to do it again. And so you did.
Letting his cock slide in between your folds is a new feeling for you. Not even grinding on your vibrator will give you such an amazing feeling. Grinding on Jaehyun's cock while his mouth plays with your boobs felt fucking good that your grip on his locks tightens but he doesn't care. But for someone untouched like you, you made sure you never forget the feeling whenever his tongue swirls while you roll your hips, how he bites your nipples whenever he feels you're slowing down, and the vibrations that share with you whenever he grunts a little too loud and you feel it all over your body.
Soon Jaehyun switched places with you, putting you underneath him to catch his breath and stop himself from cumming. He reached for your hand and hold it dearly, kissing your knuckles and the back of your hand. “Forgive me if I become rough tonight, I can promise an aftercare don’t worry,” he says and gave you one last kiss before he pulls away and gets the condom from the pocket of his discarded pants. Putting the protection in front of you to assure you, thank goodness to that condom you thought.
As soon as he crawls back in between your legs again, his hand moved around your body like he’s telling you he owns you, smiling in between kisses whenever he accidentally tickles you. Hands slipping in between your thighs and fingers brushed automatically on your very wet slit. You jolt because of the new feeling but careful not to show Jaehyun that this is your first time being finger fucked. So you closed your eyes to avoid his gaze but Jaehyun gave your ass a tight squeeze and put his thumb on your wet slit, admiring how wet he made you already which made you open your eyes again and moan his name deliciously.
“I like the sound of that,” he says, kissing your neck and down Jaehyun goes, kissing your body until he reaches your pussy to give you few licks before he fucks you.
The way he licked your wet folds made your toes curl and your legs spread even wider. Pushing his head away, crushing his head with your legs then spreading it wide again, and begged him but you’re not sure what for.  
“Jae- you eat pussy like a pro” or maybe you’re just telling that because it’s your first time being eaten out. That even the way he puts the right amount of force to stop your legs from closing whenever he flicks his tongue is perfect. And when he saw you relaxing and can handle the pleasure already, his hands cupped both of your boobs and pinched your nipples, making you moan his name loudly “Jae!-“ and arch your back as a sign that you’re almost there, and if he doesn’t stop soon you might cum now.
But of course, Jaehyun didn’t stop and made you cum using his tongue for the first time tonight. Your legs felt like jelly and you can even feel that your pussy is still sensitive. “Thought it’s going to be just a few licks?” you said weakly, wiping your pussy juices from his chin and planting a soft kiss on his lips as a thank you, but he doesn’t know that.
“Changed my mind, you taste good. I might even go for another round-“
And right before he goes down on you again, you stopped him and told him you’re still sensitive. Which thankfully he listened and kissed you instead of licking you. And when you’re finally good to go again, he holds you by your ankles, kiss your neck and touch your body for a few seconds before he finally lines his cock on your very wet slit. Sliding it up and down, teasing you and making you horny and even more aroused.  
When he finally pushed his cock in your hole, Jaehyun thought his dick will slide in smoothly because, one, he thought you’re not a virgin anymore and two, you’re dripping on the sheets but still he’s having a hard time pushing in. Then he saw your face, contorting like you’re in pain rather than seeing you furrow your brows, part your lips, and make beautiful sounds.
For you, it fucking hurts and you would rather suck it up than tell him you’re still a virgin and ruin the mood. But the man on top of you is not stupid and surprisingly he pulled out slowly and came closer to your body once again to face you, “I’m about to be your first time, am I right? You’re so tight and I’ve never encountered a hole like that ever since my first fuck”
Busted you thought. You thought of any more ways to get out of this situation but he looks like he’s okay with it. “Are you mad?” you asked shyly and avoiding his stare.
“No” he admitted, “Actually I’m turned on. But I’ll go slow and sorry if I hurt you at first. Want to try again?”
You nod oh eagerly to his question and finally, you can breathe and enjoy the moment. He gave you a few kisses before he continues and went back to lining his cock, he made you wrap your arms around his neck and asked you to spread your legs even wider. And when he pushed in again, there’s that good stretch you’ve been hearing so much about. The feeling of Jaehyun’s cock go slowly inside you was incredibly good even though he’s not fucking you raw right now.
“The condom is thin-“ he grunts and moaned a few times, “you’re so tight. And fuck you look hot. Does it feel good now?” he whispers and started to roll his hips once which made you both moan and let out sharp gasps.
He fucks you slow and deep until the sting from the stretch is replaced by pleasure. You rake his body with your nails, holding him on his nape, and grab a fistful of hair whenever he tries to give you a powerful thrust which you loved so you asked for more.
He sat on his knees and pull away from your body then immediately gave you a hard thrust, watching your boobs bounce with lidded eyes, kneading them whenever he wants to. In a matter of few minutes, his thrust became animalistic that your head is dangling on the edge of the bed, moaning and gasping sharply but the man above you kept on fucking you hard, savoring the condom and trying not to cum so soon. So whenever he’s on edge, he pulls out immediately and spreads kisses around your body, sucking your boobs until your nipples are swollen, playing with your slit until you’re cumming for the third time tonight using his fingers.
“Not yet, I want more time with you,” he says while kissing your neck and reaching for your hand to intertwine it with his.
“Jaehyun, I can’t take it anymore. Please cum already” you begged with ragged breaths.
“Fine, fine. Since you asked nicely, but promise me to give me your number after we fuck”
“I will if you make me cum using your dick” he was amused by your answer and effortlessly flipped you on your stomach and asked you to put your ass in the air. He kissed your shoulders first, making you feel safe before the grand finale. Hands on your ass while he slowly thrust in again and fuck, he does make your knees weak.
“You were just a virgin a few minutes ago, but now you’re begging huh, okay” he says before he gave you a hard thrust that made you land flat on your stomach but he was quick to lift your hips again and give you another hard thrust.
Thrust after thrust you feel the impact in your body and for sure your body will be sore the next day. You call his name over and over again but you’re not sure what you’re begging for because he is fucking you good. Hard but good. And when finally Jaehyun is on edge for the nth time tonight, he did not pull out and kept fucking you but this time he doubled his pace that you can only hear skin slapping and his beautiful moans.
“Fuck Jaehyun- I’m cumming again, don’t you dare fucking stop” you grip the sheets and arch your back more, taking every thrust Jaehyun gives you and shut your eyes close as you let go and cum for the fourth time tonight.
Thrust
Thrust
Thrust
He gave you three powerful thrusts before you both flop on the mattress and catch your breath together. Your bodies were warm and sweaty, the room smelled like sex but no one cares. You feel bad to the owner of this bed.
While you catch your breath and calm yourself down, Jaehyun busies himself with discarding the condom and looking for something to cover your exposed body before he makes a wrong decision like asking you for round two.
“Thanks” you said weakly when he covered you with the blanket.
“I hope you’re okay with me being your first” he says and lies beside you again, keeping you close to him.
“I’m more than okay with it” you kissed him on the lips like you’re keeping a souvenir, “I hate to ruin this moment that we shared but, we have to go back to the party” you watch him shook his head no and pretended to be asleep, “Mhmm. Come on, I’ll help you get dressed” you added.
To be perfectly honest Jaehyun wanted to stay with you for a few more minutes, he wanted to know more about you, he wanted to hold your hand just a little bit longer. “Stay with me” he asks of you, but you refused with a heavy heart. You exchanged cellphone numbers of course, but when you two got back to the party, hand in hand and back to flirting with each other, your friends are quick to get a hold of you. and the next thing you know you’re inside your friend’s car, on your way home and you couldn’t stop thinking about him.
On the next day, you woke up very sore and you couldn’t walk properly but the thought of what happened last night just makes you smile and all giggly. You waited for his text the whole day, checking your phone from time to time and hoping that whenever it beeps, Jaehyun’s name is on the screen but no.
You thought that waiting for him for a day is normal, maybe he got hungover and slept the whole day. But after a few days later, still you got no texts from him and that part is not normal anymore. You started to think that you’re just a one-time thing for him and you feel stupid for even thinking that Jaehyun can and eventually pursue you.
Everything that happened that night, should be forgotten and you should enjoy the remaining months of your summer before you finally move in to your college dorm. On top of that, you deleted his number and tried to forget the man who made you feel good in bed for the first time.
Now that you’re weeks away from officially being a college student, you decided to settle in your college dorm as early as now so you can have more time to know your dorm mates. Little did you know, that the world is incredibly small and you will end up being dorm mates with Jaehyun alongside his best friend Johnny who welcomed you with a big bear hug like you’ve known each other for years.
It’s not that you weren’t happy to see him when he opened the door for you, it’s just that... it was such an awkward moment because you’ve seen each other naked and... he didn’t call you back. Nonetheless, you pretended to know each other for the first time today, shake his hand and give him a hug. Which you didn’t want to end so soon.
“Hey, uhm… glad to see you settle in” he started and closed your door so Johnny would not hear whatever conversation you’re about to have.
“Yeah, thank you for welcoming me warmly. Johnny is sweet by the way” you said awkwardly while folding your clothes and putting them in your cabinet.
“Uh, about that. Uhm, can you uh-“
“Not tell him that something happened between us?” he nods slowly at what you said, “sure” you wanted to scoff so bad and throw a fit at him, but you didn’t want to ruin your move in day and just shrugged it off.
Starting that day, you tried your best not to be awkward with Jaehyun and really try your best to forget about the sex. The sex that felt good, the sex that can make your toes curl by just merely thinking about it. Although you had a hard time because whenever you touch yourself at night, you remember everything that happened between you two and you end up fantasizing about fucking Jaehyun again. But now that you’re living with him and you see him every day, it's not just about the sex now.
During the summer you were convinced that Jaehyun is a guy who had sex with you and left you hanging. But seeing him every day and knowing him even more by living together, the truth about Jaehyun slapped you so hard that you even liked him even more now. He is a warm person, whose heart is full of care and compassion, or maybe even more than that.
Eventually, you did forget about the sex and your little crush on Jaehyun. Thank goodness, you thought. You couldn’t have done it without a few hookups during your freshman year. And when everything is all nice and pleasant again between you and Jaehyun, you became good friends and started to look after each other.
You were like family in that small dorm during your starting years together. The two giant knows how to cook so a good meal is never a problem, you have study sessions whenever it’s needed and whenever someone is going through something, you were there for each other.
It was great and comforting because you do everything together. But not until Jaehyun realized that he’s not immune to your charms anymore and now he’s falling for you. Hard.
Over the years of living together, Jaehyun saw your true colors. Now he knows you’re more than just a hookup. You were a gem that he found in a stranger’s party and he was such a fool for not calling you back during the summer. It’s true what they say that regrets are always at the end. Now he can only admire you and love you in ways where he can’t ruin this amazing friendship that you have.
Jaehyun endured every heartbreak whenever he sees you with another man or hearing you moan from the other side of the room whenever you and your boyfriend have sex. And when that jerk broke your heart, his broke two times than yours because he can’t do anything to ease your pain, make you realize your true worth and help you move on.
“You don’t need that guy,” Jaehyun says as he pulls you for a hug while Johnny massages your toes. The two giants were a good support system, not to mention they really want to beat your ex’s butt but you told them ‘thanks but, no don’t do that’. And while you’re crying in Jaehyun’s arms, staining his hoodie with your tears, he promised to himself that he will never hurt you or make you cry.
Now that he’s frustrated and mad at himself because he can’t help you, he decided to help himself instead. He watched on the sides and used different girls to make him forget about you, which is hardly impossible by now because even the little things you do make him crazy. Like whenever you ask him to eat dinner with you when Johnny is out for work, or whenever you take care of him when he goes home batshit drunk and can’t even stand up straight.
For Jaehyun, his college years were all about yearning. Yearning for you, your attention, your touch, and your love. But even though you’re now single and have already moved on from your ex, he still can’t confess his feelings for you because he believes that you deserve someone better than him. Jaehyun knew he hurt you already, and he will not forgive himself if he does it again.  
Senior year
In a middle of a busy cafeteria, you, Johnny, and Jaehyun are thinking of ways how to earn money for your dorm rent. This semester made you guys bring out a lot of cash because of books and some of your rent money was needed to sacrifice for education. But now that you guys are a month late with your rent, you have no idea where to get cash knowing all too well that your parents won’t chip in.
“I could sell some of my clothes” Jaehyun suggested while drinking his coffee.
“Dude your clothes are all black, no one would ever buy those” Johnny bites back just to annoy his friend. “Though girls will buy it because it’s from you-“
“Stop it with your nonsense John”
“Or! You can sell some of your nudes, I already know a lot of buyers” Johnny added with an annoying smile.
“Or you two can just fuck each other because you’re the hottest guys on campus but your asses are broke” you tease them further but you have no idea that you just gave out the solution to all your problems. “What?” you asked them as they both smile at you, shy for no reason, and eyeing each other like they’re having a secret conversation using their eyes.
Johnny clears his throat before he starts, “You just suggested to make porn… and porn is good money. A few students do it these days” he clears his throat again before he continues, “We know because we watch porn-“
“Okay, I don’t need to know that part. What are you saying? Are you suggesting we make porn?” you said, eyes big as you look at them.  
“You suggested it. Not us. But yeah. It’s good money Y/n” Johnny once again explained.
“Well, okay. I’ll hold the camera while you two fuck. How do we do this?” you avoid their eyes as your body heats the more you talk.
“Nuh-uh, I’m not fucking Johnny” Jaehyun announces.
“Nope. Me too I’m not fucking Jaehyun, you choose Y/n. No hard feelings, but consider the size” he winks but you know that he’s just joking.
Good thing the awkward conversation was cut when your alarm went off and you have to go to your next class. You gather your stuff and told them to think of better ways to earn money because there’s no way you’re having sex with any of them. Especially not with Jaehyun.
The idea of making money through porn crosses your mind every five minutes and you can’t concentrate with your class. Plus, your landlord kept on sending messages reminding you that in three days, you’re going to be two months late with the rent. But still, whenever you imagine having sex with any of them, it gives you great goosebumps and you can’t handle the awkwardness anymore.
After your class, you were spacing out and still weighing things over regarding the porn making, and unexpectedly, one of your friends brought up ‘amateur porn’ and you’ve never been so nervous in your life. She was talking about how she and her boyfriend went live for a good twenty minutes and they made loads of cash, “and guess what, it’s all for fun! We were really just fooling around but apparently, people do love those kinds of stuff and they pay good money”
Your mouth almost fell when she mentioned the cash they earned for only twenty minutes. And in that twenty minutes, you can cover one month's rent pay already. You just have to cum in front of thousands of people. So with a mind blinded by the possibility of earning too much cash, you said yes to the idea of making porn. The only question is, with whom?
Johnny and Jaehyun stood in front of you as they wait for your answer after telling them what your friend told you about making porn. Of course you picked Jaehyun. Not because you miss him, and not because you have history, but because you don’t want to be awkward with Johnny. While Jaehyun on the other hand is feeling proud and hopeful behind that poker face of his, he thought that you chose him because you already know what’s in store for you if you fuck with him again and of course he thought that maybe you miss him.
“Johnny doesn’t really need to hold the camera for us right? We can just place it, and secure it somewhere” you added and watch Jaehyun agree without looking at you.
“You two have the place tomorrow night then. M-make sure you raise the quota and cover three months of payment... for safety” Johnny says to Jaehyun and you with a smile that says, ‘thank goodness I didn’t have to watch you both fuck’.
Before you sleep tonight, unexpectedly Jaehyun paid you a visit. And there’s that nervous feeling again, you feel like you’re back in your freshman days when you don’t know what to do whenever you see Jaehyun and you just have to pretend that nothing is bothering you.
Breathing in and out, you opened the door quickly and went back to your bed and under the covers to cover your exposed legs. Little did you know that Jaehyun already saw that you’re not wearing anything besides your lacy panties and an oversized shirt.
“Your ears are red,” you teased him.
“Well next time you should wear pajamas instead of your underwear to sleep” he winked and placed the mask that you’re going to be using tomorrow and sat on the edge of your bed.  
“What are you? A stranger? You’re so far, come here” you invited him under your sheets and lie in bed face to face like nothings bothering you two. You put your hand above his head and feel his soft locks, careful not to grip so hard and hurt the man you used to have feelings for.
This is why Jaehyun can’t move on from you. You always make him feel like he’s your favorite person in the world.
“Are you going to leave me hanging again after we have sex tomorrow?” You confronted him.
“That’s impossible now, we live together” he giggles and catches your hand so he could hold it.
“Just promise me after the sex tomorrow we’ll still be friends” you felt his grip loosen up like he became hopeless like he didn’t like what you just said.
“I was actually going to say that I want us to try again. Get things right this time”
And in that very moment, your world stopped and your body feels hot, suddenly you’re sweating and your heart is beating faster. To be honest you don’t know what to say.
Then,
“Kidding. I’m kidding. Just making you laugh before you sleep, and y-yeah. I promise nothing will change between us, cross my heart” he got up from your bed, turned off the lights and turned on your lampshade. “Sleep well okay?”
And just like that, he left again. You don’t know if you were relieved that it was only a joke or your heart broke because deep inside, you’re waiting for him to tell you that ever since Freshman year. Nonetheless, you do what you do best. Sleep it off and pretend nothing happened.
On the next day, you were at the kitchen preparing breakfast and spacing out while you flip pancakes. Most of them got burnt and you blame Jaehyun for that.
“I told you to sleep, didn’t I?”
There he goes again, startling you and flashing a very handsome smile at you like you’re not about to do something stupid later. “Johnny went to work early and took an overtime tonight just so you won’t get shy” he hands you a glass of water, figured you might need one because you looked so tensed.
“We can always text him when we're done” you added, he nods. And there’s the awkward silence again.
You finish your breakfast in one go, not even looking at Jaehyun. Usually, during breakfast, you talk mostly about your plans within the day but given the situation right now, obviously, you don’t want to know his plans because that includes you. Good thing the day went on normally. You cleaned the living room, he cleaned the kitchen, you cleaned your room, he cleaned his. You saw him changing his bedsheets and you think that’s a sweet gesture, you wanted to tease him but that won’t help you with your nervousness so you just smiled at him when he caught you looking.
When it’s finally afternoon and you’re going to fuck live in a few minutes, you were surprised at what he did to his room just so you won’t get nervous anymore. The golden ray of afternoon light was perfect and helped you calm in no time, Jaehyun lit some scented candles and lowered the thermostat of his air conditioning so you won’t get cold.
“Thought I should make this special- not that I’m saying our first wasn’t “ he rambles and scratches his head, ears turning red and now you can see that he’s nervous too. “But come on, I want to do right for you” he caresses your shoulders and nods his head as a signal that you two needed to start.
The mood was nothing like your first, there was no sexual tension or any sign of desire to fuck each other. In other words, he looked like he’s just doing this for the dorm rent and you are too. That’s why maybe stripping in front of Jaehyun while your back is against him was easier than you thought. But you didn’t know that the man was craving for you. He wanted to be the one removing your clothes while his lips roam on your neck, make you feel good and wanted just before the live starts. He wanted to do that.
“Remember your promise okay?” You put on your mask and Jaehyun did too. He was still fully clothed and while you’re lying in his bed comfortably, watching him strip in front of you but not for you. The camera is right above your head so the viewers can imagine that they are the ones having sex with Jaehyun. If that won't give you a lot of money then you don’t know what will.
Jaehyun was a natural, you wanted to tell him that he does look like a pornstar but you’re not allowed to talk. When he finally crawled on the bed, straight between your legs and spread them according to his want, a shiver went straight to your spine and immediately made you wet. He shamelessly kissed your inner thighs first and went all the way up until he reaches your lips.
Finally. You both thought.
But his kisses were different and you wonder why. You feel like you’re not kissing Jaehyun because you know how his kiss can affect you, although his touch was still the same. He can still make you jolt and part your lips with just using his fingers and a few teasing here and there. And when he finally put his cock inside you, that’s the part where you finally believe that Jaehyun is indeed the one in bed with you right now. You will never forget how that cock feels inside you, “I miss you” he whispered very softly, hoping that the viewers did not hear it.
Time flies so fast that the live will end in ten minutes now and Jaehyun has been fucking you deep and slow like he’s savoring the feeling again. When you heard him grunt and moan, that made your toes curl and clench accidentally around him. Making him groan a little louder and fuck you a bit faster. You moaned so loud just so he knows you’re very much close to your high, and in just a few minutes you both cum together and the next thing you know he’s pulling out and letting his cum land on top of your pussy lips for the viewer’s pleasure.
Fuck you wish he didn’t pull out.
He grabbed his phone from above you and turned the damn timer off because you may not know, but the timer was screaming at him that his time with you is over. You removed your mask and he removed his too. And there you saw tears in his eyes, or maybe those are sweat? Nonetheless, you asked him what’s wrong and made him look at you. But instead of answering your question, he kissed you. Hands on both sides and cupping your face as he kisses you deeper.
And there’s that kiss you’ve been waiting for. The kiss that you’ve been wanting to experience again for years and years. You shouldn’t be happy, but you’re actually genuinely happy that your rent pay is late and you get to do this again with Jaehyun.
“I missed you too” finally you said it.
He smiled so sweetly to you and went back to the kiss, spreading your legs again, checking your slit if you’re still wet. And without further ado, he thrust in. Slowly again, but this time he’s proving a point. Like he’s telling you something. And now that you can see his face, you can’t help but feel excited and the butterflies in your stomach are very much excited too that you were smiling in between kisses.
“Ride me” he says, and effortlessly he trades places with you. Holding you on your back, lips still locked like you’re not planning to stop any time soon. And for your own pleasure, you guided his hands and made him knead your boobs. He did more than kneading, Jaehyun sucked your nipples and pinched them to hear you moan.
“A lot has changed Jae” you said, pushing him down to the mattress and intertwined your fingers with his, kissed them and placed them on your hips. You started rolling your hips without a warning, making the man underneath you close his eyes and part his lips. There are many things you wanted to do with him now that you had the privilege to ride him, but you decided to go hard because this might be the last time you’re going to fuck Jaehyun again.
You ride him like you didn’t have sex for years. Skin slapping from rolling your hips faster than he expected, letting your boobs bounce in front of him and letting him touch them whenever he wants to. “It’s hard to pull out when you’re on top, want to switch places?” He was struggling to talk, obviously he’s trying so hard not to cum yet but you’re good at what you’re doing.
“Not tonight” and that promise just made Jaehyun moan deliciously like he’s excited to cum now just so he can experience cumming inside you.
“Y-yeah. That’s right Y/n fuck me. Oh you fuck me so good! Shit- why did I ever let you go. Fuck”
The thing is, you love seeing him all fucked up and love hearing him praise the way you fuck him... but he chose the wrong words. And those words went straight to your heart. The words ‘Why did I ever let you go?’ repeated over and over again while you ride so fast that you’re overstimulating him already. He was begging for you to stop but it was too late when you heard him.
When you finally stopped, you see his cum dripping from your pussy even though you’re not yet removing his cock from you. You catch your breath for a second and came closer to Jaehyun. Good thing he has enough strength to hug you and roll you to the mattress so he could have the honor to pull his cock out.
“You’re right a lot has changed,” he says because his silly crush on you grew and grew and now he’s completely in love with you. “Let’s not shower together, I’m afraid I’ll lure you to have shower sex with me”
“And what’s so wrong about that” you bite back.
“Oh so you’re confident now huh,” he kissed you once again, and shit you never want him to leave your lips.
But every good thing comes to an end. You went back to your room and showered separately, as planned and when you went to the living room, he was all cleaned up and looking so fresh. He was wearing his glasses, hair almost covering his eyes, he looked cozy in his oversized shirt and his favorite plaid pajamas. “Come here,” He pats the seat next to him, signaling you to come watch Netflix with him. Surprisingly, his arms wrapped around you and kept you close to him, subtly smelling your shampoo. He giggled at the thought of imagining you taking a shower while smiling because the sex was fucking awesome.
He played a movie and watched it with you just so he can still keep you close to him. Not even halfway through the movie, he caught you sleeping soundly on his lap and slowly covered your exposed legs with the blanket on the couch. He pats and pats your head until his attention was no longer in the movie that he’s watching but his mind lingers to what happened earlier and eventually fell asleep beside you too.
It was very late when Johnny went home and caught you two all snuggled up on the couch, snoring and slept through to what you were watching. He had a hunch that you two had a great time, smiled and turned off the TV, and wished you both a good night's sleep.
“I have bad news” Johnny announces as you and Jaehyun wake up together on the couch, all smiles and in an incredibly good mood but Johnny was quick to ruin that. “The money you earned from yesterday’s live was not enough”
You don’t know why Jaehyun was still smiling at you even though what Johnny just told you completely ruined your day already. “That’s not bad news, right?” He whispers to you and gave you a look. “I’m okay with doing it again until we cover everything” Jaehyun says to Johnny while you three sit in front of each other, drinking your coffees.
“I’ll work double shifts at the radio station- are you fine with doing it again Y/n?” Johnny asks, and for a second there you feel like you’re in the hot seat.
“Y-yeah. I’m okay with it” you scratch your nape and awkwardly sip your coffee, “it’s easy money, I think if we do more lives we can cover three months pay”
“More lives it is. Don’t worry John, I’ll take other slots at the radio station too for groceries and stuff” Jaehyun added.
The live fucking continues and so is fooling around with Jaehyun, having better sex every after going live and whenever Johnny is not around. It’s like playing with fire, but you don’t exactly know if what you’re doing is wrong or right because you’re both single, so why are you guys hiding? You don’t get it, but you just go with the flow, enjoy what’s happening and hope for the best.
Every sex you have grown more and more intense to the point that your beds are moving and that gives you better reviews in live fucking. Not to mention the money is better now and you’re saving up faster than expected. But whenever the camera is off and you’re having sex without an audience, you guys fuck like you’re together and you love each other.
Sweet love bites here and there, sincere praises and longer kisses. For Jaehyun he feels like he’s having a dream because he gets to do the things he wanted to do with you. Remove your clothes while kissing you, whisper the things he has been holding back to say for years, and make you feel loved and important.
And just like the sex, your cuddling session became even warmer and sweeter. Cuddling after you take a shower has always been your thing, he visits you in your room with damped hair and you help him dry his hair, Netflix and chill, or order in and have a great meal together.
Days went by and you’re getting used to this sweet Jaehyun and you well know that’s dangerous. But you love every dangerous thing about Jaehyun. The following days grew extremely sweet and intimate. You sleep in his room every night and basically do everything together from now on. The only time you two were apart is during class hours but after that, Jaehyun is right outside your classroom waiting for you.
“What are you doing?” you giggle and try to finish the book you’re reading in bed when Jaehyun suddenly entered your room, crawled on your bed, and went in between your legs. Removing your glasses for safety, inviting you to fuck while Jaehyun nibs your ear and caress your legs. Oh his kisses always make your head turn and ask for more.
“Johnny is not around and I just took a shower, hmm? What do you say?” He uses that cute tone that can always make you stop what you’re doing and say yes to him. Forget the book, you can finish it later.
Removing your shorts and underwear while he continuously kisses you, smiling and giggling while he whispers ‘you always look pretty’ before he removes your shirt and exposes your boobs to him. You tried getting up and help him remove his clothes, but he stopped you and kissed you down on the mattress. “Nu-uh. Stay there I’ll treat you good tonight” he winked and proceeds to remove his clothes in between your spread legs, your hands roam freely in his well sculpted and fucking beautiful body.
Then he reached for your phone and took a nice picture while you two are kissing. The sound of the camera clicking made your eyes open, “send me this picture later. So I can stop missing you” you smiled and nod, then Jaehyun took one too many pictures so he could focus on you again. When he’s finally contented with all the pictures he got, he finally thrust in deep and slow while his mouth is sucking one of your nipples and he looks incredibly handsome.
This time, it’s you who grabbed your phone and took some pictures of him sucking your boobs and making you feel good, taking some pictures of his cock inside your pussy while he thrusts. Jaehyun had the idea of taking a video while you two fuck but this time, it’s for his and your eyes only. He took the phone from you and recorded how he fucks you good, and did not miss the part where you part your lips and moan.
“Jaehyun I’m almost there” you moan out, fingerings raking his nape or on his beautiful body. He puts the camera on the bedside table with a perfect angle of him fucking you, without masks or any cover. He intertwines his fingers with yours before he fucks you hard and fast. The camera that’s recording everything was completely forgotten and Jaehyun focused on making you feel good, making you cum at least two times using his dick and his fingers.
After your second high you were so exhausted that you were breathing heavily and Jaehyun is helping you to calm down while kissing your boobs and sucking them playfully. Even your cute moments like this was caught on camera and Jaehyun was more than happy about it.
“You okay? Want to cum for the third time?” He reached for your phone, stop the recording and went back in between your legs again and kiss you wherever he wants. You didn’t answer him ‘yes’ because to be completely honest you were still exhausted and he understood you well. For a good quiet minutes he was just staring at you, flashing his dimples, raking his fluffy hair and biting his lips at the same time. The silence felt good and not the usual awkward silence you have.
“The next live that we will be doing is going to be our last. And our dorm rent will be settled in no time” he started.
“And?”
“I’ll miss you”
Ouch. You wish he kept the quietness and peace instead. Just as you thought that life will now let you be with Jaehyun peacefully, here comes the heartbreak again. Truth is Jaehyun is still scared and very much afraid to hurt you that’s why he just wanted to fix himself before he could date you officially. He didn’t want to pursue his feeling with you just because you did porn together and fucked live, no you deserve better than that.
He loves you. So much, but he’s not ready yet.
You wanted to shout at him and asked him what else does he want from you? He is so good at making you feel like you’re always not enough for him and that makes your mind go crazy. He did it again. He left you hanging again when you’ve completely fallen in love with him. Turns out he’s not willing and ready to catch you. But as usual, you do what you do best. Shrugged it off and continue to live like it’s not bothering you.  
The live fucking and porn making stopped for a while because you and Jaehyun have final exams. And the awkwardness between you and Jaehyun came back in no time, nonetheless, it was a good week to have a breather and to let yourself think straight. But still, you can’t help but think about everything and miss Jaehyun.
“Are you on your way home?” Johnny asks Jaehyun through the phone.
“Yeah, just buying us dinner”  
“Good. Y/n is on her period”
“Am I suppose to be happy because I didn’t get her pregnant?” He chuckled proudly and having no clue what Johnny was saying.
“Take care of her she has period cramps dumb ass!“
“Oh right- right… sorry. Okay, yeah”
When Jaehyun arrived with the stuff that Johnny told him to buy for you and the dinner Jaehyun bought you, you were twisting in hurt inside your room grunting and very vocal about the pain while you hug the hot compress Johnny left you when Jaehyun entered your room.
“Ah- fuck it hurts” you groan and curl yourself, pressing that hot compress more on your lower abdomen and endure your period cramps. Jaehyun is just so sweet to stay beside you and rub your back while he watches you suffer.
“I want to help. Do you need anything other than that hot compress?” He was concerned and willing to make you feel better.
“Nothing I’m fine. You’re so sweet” you said in a little irritated tone but you’re not actually irritated with him. He scrolls through his phone with one hand, while the other is rubbing and caressing your back to give you comfort.
“Google says sex is good when-“
“I’m not having period sex with you, Jaehyun” but you do want him to touch you. Stupid hormones. Stupid period. It just makes you crave for him even more, desperate for even a kiss, or even just with his body closer to you.
“Are you horny?” He asks without shame, smiling at you and hoping that you say yes.
“I am” you admitted
“Just say yes, I got you” he was like seducing you, luring you to sin with him tonight while you bleed. And you like it.
“Okay” you answered softly. Shy but he knew you’re not that type anymore.
Jaehyun scoop over and went under the covers with you. Giving you that warmth that you need, making your body warm and comfortable, and basically giving everything you want. He intertwines his fingers with you, kissed your knuckles, and then your lips. Softly. Slowly. It’s every girl’s dream kiss. And just like his kiss, his hand creeps under the covers, all the way down until he reaches your thighs and spread one leg to gain access to your hole.
“W-wait. Let me just remove the tampon” shyly you inform him and discarded it quickly under the covers and throw it into the trash bin. Going back to the comfort that Jaeyun is giving you, his hand went back in between your legs and tease your clothed slit the moment you’re back under the covers. Smiling so handsomely and innocently while he lies beside you like he’s not doing something lustful under the covers.
“Do you think this will work-“ and just before you finish your question, Jaehyun ran a finger on your very wet slit which turned him on immediately. He flicked his finger, drawing small circles in your nub and listening to you moan while your grip on the sheets tightens and try your best not to close your legs.
“Do you like this?” his lips were very close to your neck and the way he talks to you was so sultry that even his words can make you moan.
“Mhmm. F-fuck Jae, my clit is sensitive” but your legs say others wise because you spread them even more under the covers and your hips voluntarily move to meet his fingers. When he felt your legs shake and hear your moans become higher than usual, he figured you were close, went on top of you and started to hump your thigh while his hand is inside your now ruined panties reaching deep in your hole making you feel good and over sensitive. Jaehyun grunted so loud and moaned deliciously beside your ear, moving his hips like how he fucks you and you feel his hard cock poke your thigh from the inside of his pants. Soon, Jaehyun came inside his pants and did not care about being embarrassed.
While you were coming down from your high, the man on top of you kept kissing you like you’re all that matters to him. Even though you well know that you’re just fooling yourself.
The night ended with Jaehyun sleeping beside you and further taking care of you after you both cleanup. But you woke up the next day without him beside you and thankfully, Johnny came out of nowhere to rescue you from your ugly thoughts. He came into your room with a cup of coffee and some bread for you, smiling like he has no problems in life and to be honest, you love how he’s always like this.
Since both of you don’t have classes today, you went to the groceries with Johnny and had a nice dinner at a fast food he loves. It felt great. It felt great to be with a guy who’s not Jaehyun. The man always keeps you on your toes and you feel like your head is always in the clouds whenever you’re with him but Johnny, he keeps you grounded.
“Shoot. The landlord is really testing me- he wants the money tonight or else they have to kick us out tomorrow. Fuck!” He says typing aggressively on his phone, telling Jaehyun immediately.
“Were not due until next week why are they doing this to us. We have no choice but to go live then” you said calmly, unbothered as much as possible because you just want this to be over now and move on from Jaehyun.
“You can't. You have your period and Jaehyun is not available- fuck why is he not picking up”
“There are other ways to make a guy cum Johnny. I’m sure you know that” you chuckle and shook your head in disbelief.
“Still, Jaehyun is not answering” he gave up and put down his phone.
“Well you’re available. I just want this to be over Johnny” clearly he didn’t expect you to suggest such a thing. You continue to eat your food in silence and so is the man in front of you. Obviously, he was bothered with what you suggested but it appears that he has no choice. You watch him fidget on his phone, maybe he’s not yet done contacting Jaehyun and still hoping that his friend will end up last minute but...
“Okay” he let a sigh of relief, “I texted Jaehyun that well do it but we're not going to uhm- uh, fuck. Blow job then? No more, no less? A bit of kissing maybe. Tell me what do you want? I’ll be able to do this comfortably if I know that you like what I’m doing to you”
“Hmm. Okay, let’s start by... be gentle with me. You’re a big guy and you know... what I mean”
“I may be big physically but I’m warm on the inside, being gentle is not a problem” he smiles and pour you a glass of water before he asks for the bill. “What else?” he added.
“Touch me, don’t hesitate. If you feel like my jaw needs rest then you can tell me to stop” he nods and told you he will surely not forget about that.
The conversation went on until you reached home and get ready for the live. Unlike Jaehyun who made you feel so nervous the day you had your first live with him, Johnny makes you feel calm and comfortable the whole time.
Now that you’re in front of Johnny, half naked with only your panties and your mask on, everything happened perfectly. It wasn’t perfect but it wasn’t awkward too, and quite frankly you had fun with Johnny. Even though the audience noticed that you’re not with Jaehyun right now, they can’t help but love Johnny’s hot body too and the way he fuck your face gently in front of the camera. Hands cupping both sides of your face as he thrust his long, hard and veiny cock in your mouth. Smiling through the pleasure whenever you purposely swirl your tongue and bob your head aggressively.
After the cum-filled and messy live with Johnny, you wired the money to your landlord immediately and secure the rent for good until the three of you graduates. Now you and Johnny can breathe normally after cleaning up and enjoy the warmth of your bed. “Do you like Jaehyun?” He blurted out, trying not to look at your exposed boobs but you roll your body and face the ceiling and so his efforts went to waste.
“Yeah but I don’t think he likes me enough. Y-you know what I mean” he shook his head to tell you he has no idea about Jaehyun’s intentions with you.
“Just have patience with him if you like him, after all, you’re the only girl that can do this to him”
“Do what?” you ask with eagerness.
“Did you really think that I won't notice you two fucking behind my back?” You laughed at what he said and laughed your shyness away, “but it’s alright. I figured maybe you like each other so I didn’t dare stop you two”
The giggling and laughing with Johnny under the soft light of your lampshade continued until you passed out and Johnny was the one who helped you get dressed. And on the same night, Jaehyun heard and saw you and Johnny laugh over a half closed door. Seeing your bodies close to each other made his blood boil and became jealous in no time. That’s why on the next day, Jaehyun was expressing his anger while you three are gathered in the kitchen. He’s not saying a word, but he kept on closing the cabinets a little too rough while he prepares his meal. Then it hit you, he’s jealous.
You confronted him and went to his room, closed and locked the door so Johnny won't hear the unpleasant conversation you’re about to have with Jaehyun. “Don’t be angry with Johnny, I’m the one who suggested it-“
“Like that’s going to make me feel better Y/n. Get out, you’re wasting your time” he turned his back and proceeds to fix his bed.
“It’s not like we cheated Jae. Were not together” you blurted as calm as possible. Little did you know that you just triggered something in him that makes him want to punch a wall and pour his anger out but he can’t. At least not in front of you. So instead, he shouted at you. So loud that you got scared for a second there.
“You know, I’m always afraid to hurt you but you! You don’t care if you hurt me!”
“Don’t act as if you love me, Jae. You never did. You never even tried!” You shouted back and walked away towards his door, banging it and walked straight to your room with tears in your eyes.
The fight was short but unforgettable.
Later that day, Jaehyun got worried when you didn’t eat lunch and dinner and your door was still locked and he can hear you crying from the other side. He kept on knocking at your door until you got annoyed and unlocked it but you covered yourself with your thick sheets.
“Come on why are you crying? Don’t cry over a stupid guy like me you don’t deserve it. I’m sorry” you feel his embrace and rub your back so you know that he’s sincere. And finally, you removed the sheets but still, you don’t want to look him in the eye.
You have a lot of questions for Jaehyun, and you think now is the perfect time to cry it all out and let him know what he’s doing to you. Why he didn’t text you back the night after you fuck for the first time, why he never ask you out when he promised he would, why he’s jealous all of a sudden.
FLASHBACK (In the middle of junior year)
It was very late already and some crazy person is ringing your doorbell nonstop. This couldn’t be Jaehyun or Johnny obviously they don’t need to ring the doorbell because they live here and they know the code. That’s why you were surprised that Jaehyun is the one ringing it and turns out he is batshit drunk and can’t even remember the code. “Where is Johnny when you need him” you murmur, “Jae, help yourself too. I can’t carry you all the way up to the fourth floor,” you said sternly to the handsome guy clinging on to you, breath smells like alcohol, eyes lidded but can still appreciate your beautiful face.
When you finally carried him successfully back to your place, without any hesitation he puked on your sleepwear and smiled so sweetly at you like he did nothing wrong. You wanted to slap him and wake him from his drunken state but Jaehyun was quick with his hands and unbutton your sleepwear and used it to wipe the small amount of puke on the floor.
You cover yourself with your arms and walked straight to your room and get a clean shirt before you take care of Jaehyun. He was murmuring “sorry” as he sees you walk away from him and weakly sit on the floor with dirty clothes and hope that you will come back to him.
When he sees you all dressed up again with a damped cloth on your hand, he smiled and spread his arms like he’s about to give you a hug. “Why are you acting cute- here hold this while I remove your socks” you hand him the damped cloth and proceed to remove his dirty socks and throw it with your dirty sleepwear. He looks at you lovingly as you wipe his face with the utmost care, looking at your lips and thinking about kissing it but no. He may be drunk but he won’t do that to you.
“Go on a date with me,” he says while you continue to wipe his face and help him take off his hoodie. You giggle and boops his nose before you stand and help him to get on his feet, “try asking me again when you’re sober” you opened his room door and told him to don’t forget to change his pants and greet him good night.
But after a few minutes, you’re all tucked in bed and half asleep already when you feel a pair of arms cage you. You can still smell his breath and figured maybe Jaehyun is clingy like this whenever he’s really drunk, which rarely happens.
“It's so sweet, knowing that you love me. Though we don't need to say it to each other, sweet. Knowing that I love you, and running my fingers through your hair. It's so sweet” he sings a few lines from Sweet by Cigarettes After Sex and smells your hair until his breath tickles your nape.
Sweet. He’s not only clingy while he’s drunk, but he’s sweet too. “I think I like you more when you’re rarely this drunk” you turn your body and faced him. Seeing Jaehyun with sleepy eyes, lips curved in a weak smile, but arms conscious enough to keep you near him.
“Then I’ll get drunk every day if that makes you love me”
But on the next day, he just thanked you for taking care of him and forgot about the date. And on the next few days and following weeks, you hear him fuck different girls and have one night stands every now and then.
BACK TO PRESENT TIME SENIOR YEAR
“I keep on hurting you I’m sorry. Don’t cry, please. I hate that I’m hurting you. This is the reason why I can’t pursue my feelings for you. I’m a mess and I’m not ready”
And just as you thought that this day couldn’t get any worse. It just did. You look at Jaehyun as he tells you the truth and admits his true feelings with you. How he fell in love with you but chose not to pursue his feelings because he’s not ready and you deserve better. And from there you stopped listening to him and told him to leave you alone. Jaehyun was speechless and hopeless, he wanted to explain and express his long bottled feelings for you but you don’t want to.
All this time you thought that it’s you who’s lacking that’s why he can’t even try and ask you out. But now that you know the truth and he would rather make you feel small than swallow his pride and try to make things work with you, well you just can’t be around him anymore.
Graduation is approaching near and your dorm has been quiet ever since you finished paying the rent and Jaehyun got mad because of what you and Johnny did. You look at the quiet place while you eat your instant noodle and reminisce the good days you spent with the two giants who made your college years unforgettable and happy. Actually, they even made your life easier.
Days become even more lonely now that Jaehyun and Johnny became busy with their last requirements and you’ve been alone for a few days now. You wake up without the two boys, go to class or run some errands, they go home but you’re not home, and by the time you arrive home they have shifts to the radio station again.
Today is your birthday and you spend it with some of your classmates which are all sweet and you treat them to dinner. Johnny left a bouquet of flowers on your bed before he left for work, together with a sweet happy birthday card. And Jaehyun… well, let’s just say that maybe he forgot about it because being a graduating student makes you busy.
While you were having a nice dream of Jaehyun singing a happy birthday song to you with a small cupcake in his hand, in reality, he woke you up by patting your head and a kiss on your forehead, whispering ‘I’m sorry’ and kissing your face until you’re awake and what’s happening right now is finally registering in your mind. You wrapped your arms around him and decided to forgive him for being stupid and accept his apology. “Is this for me?” you point at the chocolate cake on the bedside drawer a blew the candle, making your room dark and only the soft light from your window lights up your room.
“What did you wish for” he came closer to you and rests his forehead on yours. Oh you missed his presence, but all you feel right now is the heartbreak and remember what happened a few weeks ago.
“You, Jaehyun” you whisper and closed your eyes, not caring if there are tears in your eyes. You’re not afraid to show him that you ache for him.
“I told you, I can’t-“ you didn’t want to hurt yourself further and listen to those hurtful words so you kissed him and pulled him on top of you.
Everything happened so fast and naturally. You removed your shorts, he was quick to spread your legs and free his hardening cock. Not even bothering to reach for a condom, he fucked you in the dark and whispered “I’m sorry” over and over again that it hurts your ear and your heart so you put your thumb in his mouth and let him suck it good while his thrust was slowly picking up the pace and you hear skin slapping surrounds your room
“Jaehyun-“ you moan his name when you felt that familiar feeling of being on edge but you’re not yet ready to let go. You’re not yet ready to let him go. So you tried with all your might to clench and stop yourself from cumming but what you’re doing to Jaehyun just makes him want to fuck you more.
And so he did.
He covered your mouth not because he didn’t want to let Johnny know that you’re fucking but because he never wants to hear your beautiful moans again. He closed his eyes so he could no longer see your face and dream about you underneath him, and with that, he continues to thrust so harshly that it’s hurting you so good and your grip on his shoulders will surely leave a mark.
Soon you failed and cum before Jaehyun could. You exchanged sharp exhales, gasps, and quiet grunts before he lies beside you and kiss you deeply the whole night. One last time.  
As expected, you woke up alone in your bed with a sore body. You stretched for a few minutes before you got out of bed and head outside to have breakfast. At first, you thought that you will be alone again today but turns out Johnny is free.
“Belated Happy birthday. Did you like the flowers I got you?” he greets you good morning and gave you a bear hug.
“I did. I put it in a vase, it’s in my room. Thank you” now that Johnny is here and you’re not alone eating breakfast, you can’t help but wish for Jaehyun to be here.
“Jaehyun is uhm… working. I can take you out today, let’s have dinner and celebrate your birthday again. What do you say?” he offers excitedly and even showed you a great restaurant from his phone.
When the evening comes and you and Johnny should be out by now but you were having a hard time to chose what to wear, Jaehyun arrived out of nowhere with a girl on his shoulders. Someone not familiar and they’re holding hands.
“I think your friends are going out on a date aren’t they babe?” the girl asks Jaehyun, like she's tying to get his attention but Jaehyun’s eyes are glued on you. Eyes that are very much sorry because he didn’t mean for you to see his new girlfriend after your birthday. So this is why Johnny was rushing you tonight. He didn’t want you to see Jaehyun with his new girlfriend because he knew it will hurt you greatly.
“Y/n-“ Jaehyun called you but you didn’t bother looking back and told Johnny that you’re ready now… even though your earrings don't match with your dress. If he can try and be in a relationship with someone else then what does that make you? Why can’t he try for you?
The night went on, carrying the lie that you’re okay but to be honest, you don’t want to go back to that fucking dorm. Good thing, Johnny was trying so hard to cheer you up and make you forget about what happened. Which is working and for that you’re thankful.
On the same night, you swore to yourself that you will never let Jaehyun into your life again and make you feel small. You will never throw yourself to him again, or even spare a glance and waste your time with the one and only guy whom you allowed to break your heart over and over again. But not anymore.
Jaehyun was nothing but sweet to you and that’s all he’ll ever be.
Five years later
When you came home from work, you caught your boyfriend cooking dinner with a glass of cold wine beside him. You greet him, “hey” and kissed him on the cheek before you wrap your arms around his strong built body.
“Tired? Hows work? I have big news” he says while stirring something from the pan. You told him he could tell the big news first because he looks excited, and so he did. With big smiles and overflowing excitement, he said that “Jaehyun is going to get married and I’m his best man!” you almost let out a laugh but you stopped yourself.
“Mhmm. Guess who’s taking care of the wedding....” you teased him. But just as you burst your boyfriend’s bubble, his reaction was quite unexpected.
“N-no, don’t tell me it’s you” he suddenly stopped cooking, he wasn’t mad. Just shocked at the moment and because of the big news.
“Johnny- Don’t tell me you’re being jealous right now...” you tease him further, “he’s like a college fling baby, and you’re the real deal!” you kiss him on the lips but he’s still sulking and went back to cooking.
“We both know it’s not just a fling” he whines.
“He’s getting married and we’re literally inseparable. What are you so jealous of? You know I saw Jaehyun looked at his fiancé and guess what,”
“What?” he turns off the stove and prepared two plates for dinner which you helped him do.
“He never looked at me that way, but you did” you see a shy smile on his face now and poke his cheek but he's quick to catch your hand and pull you into a hug. The kind of hug only Johnny can provide.
“Sorry, that was so childish of me”
“It’s okay. Dinner looks good, is this a new recipe?”
Soon after dinner, Johnny expresses his apology in bed in many ways he can, making you feel good and treating you right as always until it became too exhausting because you don’t think you could cum anymore after having your fourth…or fifth? To be honest you’re not sure anymore.
But even though you’re tired and exhausted, you still can’t help but reminisce. Throughout the years of forgetting Jaehyun, Johnny has always been patient with you and waited for you to heal from Jaehyun. Johnny brought you to the movies and went out with you while Jaehyun only promised. It's like Jaehyun kept promising you things but Johnny is the one keeping them.
“I thought you’re exhausted?” He kissed your shoulder to bring you back to Earth when he saw you spacing out. “Stop thinking. I’ll marry you too, you know that right?” oh you know that all too well, so you nod and kissed him. Whispered ‘i love yous’ over and over again, and thanked him for being the one for you. It was never easy for both of you, but still, you yearn for each other. Sometimes, love will point us to the wrong person so we could find the right person to us. Yes, Jaehyun was sweet, but Johnny is not only sweet in fact he showed his love to you since day 1.
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