#anyway im tired but had a lot of caffeine so I won’t be sleeping for a while

[polithicc]

5 hours into writing this thing I had the thought “I should’ve gone into tax law” which is absolutely abhorrent and just a reflection of how terrible this week was.

[twodimecastle]

fifty bucks & six months.

spencer reid x gender neutral reader new relationship, secret keeping nonsense, 4.5k words, ao3 a/n; turns out i love writing texting fic but tumblr destroys the formatting rip

zero months.

You smile conspiratorially, extending a pinkie towards Spencer and he gives you a skeptical look.

“You know the odds of being found out immediately are-” he starts, but you cut him off.

“Astronomical, I know. I know. But don’t you think it’ll be fun to see how long we can push it?” you wheedle, not caring that your voice sounds more like begging than is strictly dignified because seeing the way Spencer’s nose crinkles in amusement at your heavy handed persuasion is too adorable to pass up. You scoot closer on the couch, tapping the end of his nose with your pinkie finger, letting him catch your hand between his as you continue “I think we’ve got a good shot at hiding it for a little while. It would be like a game.”

Spencer draws your captive hand to his lips, brushing them across your knuckles and watching fondly as you forge ahead in your campaign to persuade him, enjoying the show and the attention too much to tell you he’s already on board. Your eyes are shining with the prospect of the caper, and you’ve made no move to take your hand back from him, and Spencer’s pretty sure he’d be more than happy to sit with you in this moment forever. “I mean-” you go on, gesturing animatedly with your free hand, “you’re like-a really good liar when you want to be. And everyone else always forgets how good you are at it.”

He snorts at that and the sound makes you light up, eyes tracking the arch of his brows, the warmth in his soft brown eyes, memorising the way he looks like this; utterly unbothered, completely at ease. It might be your favourite version of him, but that race has always been a tight one with no clear winner in sight. You have lots of favourite versions of Spencer. Twisting your hand in his, you tangle your fingers together, savouring the way you feel his thumb glide delicately along your skin and the unhidden joy in his face at the simple show of affection.

Time to play your trump card.

“$50 says we can hide it from the whole group for at least six months. If everyone figures it out before then, you win. But if not everyone has worked it out by then, I win.”

The mischievous shine in your eyes is irresistible, and Spencer smiles, disentangling one of his hands from yours to extend his own pinky finger.

“You’re on.”

The words barely make it out of his mouth before you’re colliding with him, pressing your lips to his.

two months.

“So, how long has this whole thing been going on?” Derek’s question catches Spencer off guard, and, based on the way he can see you freeze in his peripheral vision, takes you by surprise as well. Sliding into the driver's seat of the SUV, Derek continues “I hope you didn’t think you were gonna be able to keep me in the dark for long, pretty boy. You should know better than that.”

Following mechanically after him, Spencer takes the passenger seat, trying to frame his next statement as carefully as possible as he hears your door close and the car start. “We were-going to tell you guys-” he begins uncomfortably, glancing back to you for support, but you look just as on edge as he feels. “We were just gonna-keep it to ourselves for a while-before telling Hotch and everything-” he tries again, the mounting tension levering his shoulders higher and higher with every passing moment, but then Derek just laughs, shaking his head.

“Hey, I’m happy for you, kid. For both of you.” He spares a look at you in the back seat through the rear view mirror, and you can feel the tension in your jaw relax, the furrows in your brow straightening out at the note of approval in Derek’s voice. “I’m glad you two finally figured it out,” he says, fondly, and you laugh.

“I bet Spence we could keep it from you guys at least six months,” you explain, reaching forwards through the centre console to link your pinky with Spencer’s, and the touch of your hand releases the last of the tension he had been harbouring as he covers your hand with the other one of his own. He knows Derek clocks the motion, filing it away in his mind somewhere, but he doesn’t care about the scrutiny so much right now. Not when your hand is so warm and comfortable in his.

Derek reaches for the dial on the radio and flicks through the channel, thinking about something, and as you watch, a slow mischievous smirk spreads across his face a moment later before he glances first at Spencer and then at you.

“I’ll tell you what,” he says to you, and Spencer can feel a familiar grin tugging at his own lips as he watches a plan take shape in his friend’s eyes. “I’m happy to sit on this information for a while for a cut of the winnings from whichever one of you comes out on top.” He snorts good naturedly as he continues “I have my own bet to win with Prentiss, so if you two help me win that one, I’ll cut you in too.”

“A quid pro quo of sorts,” Spencer says slowly, and he feels your fingers tighten around his, as you snort softly, and he knows instinctually you’re grinning the same way you always do when you’re winning a game. “I think we can do that.”

Derek grins, turning the music up as he nods, eyes on the road. “Then you two love birds have got yourselves a deal.”

two months and two weeks.

PG: youre not as slick as you think you are ;)

YN: ???

PG: ;))))))))) you should invest in some concealer for your work bag sweetness or tell the good doctor to pay more attention to whats visible in your work clothes

YN: oh my fucking god wait how do you even know thats how that happened

PG: im all knowing and all seeing im like the omnipotent goddess of the fbi

YN: derek blabbed

PG: he sang like a canary but also im an omnipotent goddess im also totally clued in on the whole bet situation with em so for the low low price of every single juicy detail about how this adorableness went down you can buy my silence :)

YN: im getting derek decaf coffee on all coffee runs from now on >:( traitors dont get caffeine

PG: darling sweet angel i need deets all of them like immediately

YN: >:( fine ok so. after that case down in georgia a few months ago? the weird one? with the creepy mother son thing?

PG: omg yuck pls dont remind me im here for the CUTENESS not the MURDER

YN: sorryyyyyyy anyway so spence was like being super weird about it all on the plane and whatever but he was doing that super annoying thing where he ignores it and says hes fine so everyone leaves him alone

PG: YEAH why does everyone here do that ALL THE TIME its SO annoyingggg

YN: ikr its insufferable and like super not subtle ANYWAY. spence was being weird and whatever and i just. refused to let him sulk on his own or whatever like i could tell there was something bothering him and so after work i insisted that we were gonna get like shitty diner food or whatever and watch a movie and he knows better than to say no to me

PG: smart boy

YN: so we got fries and milkshakes and then went back to his place to watch a movie and he was still like weird and silent and like brooding yknow? but whatever just figured hed talk about it when he was ready so i put on a movie and offered to make popcorn and then he was just staring at me and he looked so SAD and TIRED and i thought id done something wrong like the poor guy looked like he was gonna cry and i was panicking over fucking popcorn and then he says ‘why are you always so nice to me?’

PG: oh my god hes like if a sad victorian orphan was actually a triplicate phd holder

YN: i was SO thrown off i was like spencer. spencer were best friends. ive been forcing you to hang out with me for years now why do you THINK im being nice to you its bc i care about you asshole and then. like after another million years after letting me sweat it out over whether hes about to cry for like fucking years the asshole grabs my hand and says. i shit you not. ‘you know im in love with you, right?’ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PG: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YN: anyway hes my boyfriend now :’) dont tell anyone tho gotta win the bet

four months.

Lingering by the elevator, you glance around at the uncharacteristically silent office building, waiting for Spencer to leave the bullpen. The sound of his footfalls drawing nearer makes you smile and you mentally applaud yourself for suggesting the two of you remained behind after disembarking from the plane, taking advantage of the manufactured privacy to take the same car home, back to his apartment.

When he sees you waiting for him, he can’t help the soft fond smile that tugs at his face, as he reaches for your hand, sliding his fingers into yours with a gentle squeeze, the quiet of the building allowing him to indulge in the show of affection. You return the squeeze, leaning your head on his shoulder with a yawn and as he presses a fond kiss to your temple he’s rewarded by a sleepy hum of approval from you that sends a rush of quiet joy shooting through him.

“At least we won’t be sleeping in hotel beds again tonight,” you say, voice weary, and Spencer nods as he shuffles you into the elevator. The doors slide shut and the elevator starts to move and in the moment of absolute privacy, you steal a kiss, tilting your chin up to catch his lips with yours, revelling in the soft huff of surprise he lets out, even as he smiles against your mouth. Even after months, the simple act of kissing Spencer still feels new and thrilling somehow, like you can’t quite believe it’s something you’re allowed to do.

His nose brushes yours and he breathes “unless something big comes up, we get a sleep in tomorrow too,” and the way you beam at him sends his heart racing in his chest, unable to look away from the fondness shining in your eyes.

As the two of you exit the elevator and make your way through the Bureau car park, you tuck yourself against his side, wedging yourself under his arm with a happy sigh, eager to get yourself horizontal and asleep as fast as possible. Spencer brushes his lips against your temple again as the two of you close in on his car, almost free and clear of the office when a voice behind the two of you brings you up short.

“Reid?”

Spencer is reacting before his mind catches up, turning on his heel towards the sound of Hotch’s voice echoing through the parking lot, conscious of the incriminating way you’re still tucked against his side, even as his brain is rifling frantically through any possible excuses for the current circumstances.

“Hotch-” you step away from Spencer, cheeks flaming, not wanting to chance a look at him. “I-we-thought everyone else had gone home,” you trail off lamely, trying your hardest not to balk under Hotch’s ominously impassive scrutiny. A second passes, then another, and the short silence feels like months, or years even as the three of you stand locked in a stalemate.

“I take it the two of you would prefer to keep this under wraps?” He asks, finally, and it registers with Spencer, somewhat belatedly, that Hotch’s tone isn’t admonishing. It isn’t enough to dissipate the tension coiling in Spencer’s muscles just yet, but he spares a glance at you as he nods, and a moment later, Hotch gives the two of you a curt nod of his own. “I’ll tell you what,” he says, a shade of irony colouring his voice. “If you two fill out the paperwork for in-team relationships for me, I’ll keep it to myself. I understand privacy is hard to come by in our office.”

The words take a while to fully sink in, and you’re conscious that you’re standing there blinking and gaping at your boss like a bemused fish for a good few seconds before you’ve composed yourself enough to say “absolutely, sir. Of course. Thank you.”

Hotch nods again, heading towards his own car, and as he passes the two of you, a brief smile flashes across his face.

“Congratulations, you two. Get some sleep.”

four months and three weeks.

Spencer isn’t sure how late it is, but he knows you’re not asleep yet, the faint glow of your phone screen casting faint distorted shadows across his room as your free hand rests lightly on his chest. In the dark blue twilight of his room, the space feels undefined and dream like somehow, the line between his mind and his surroundings blurry or indistinct somehow, and as you huff out a near silent laugh at something on the screen in your hand, a thought rises to the surface of his thoughts like flotsam on an unwanted tide.

The more clinical part of his mind notes the autonomic response in his body, the way his heart lurches unpleasantly in his chest, heart rate rising with an influx of cortisol through his nervous system, automatically rifling through ways to control the anxiety response. Age old instinct surges forwards, starting to push his spiralling anxiety down out of sight so as not to bother you with it, but then your hand shifts infinitesimally on his chest, fingers curling in the soft fabric of his pyjama shirt, and for once his body is miles ahead of his brilliant mind, your name is leaving his lips before he’s really aware of it happening.

Your gaze flashes up from your phone at the sound of his voice, soft and hesitant, and you let the screen go dark as you set it down. You can feel Spencer’s heart hammering against his ribs under your palm, and your brows knit together in concern as you shift closer to his side, tracing gentle circles over his shirt with your fingertips, the repetitive motion intended to soothe, though you’re not sure if it’s for his benefit or yours.

“Yeah, baby?” You ask softly, working hard to keep the rising worry from your voice. After three years of friendship and almost six months of dating, you know him well enough to sense when his propensity for overthinking and catastrophizing is slipping out of his control. You can feel his chest rise as he inhales sharply, whatever he’s about to say cut off by second guessing, doing nothing to pacify your concern. “Spence? Is everything okay?” You ask again.

“This-bet-hiding our relationship-it’s-” he trails off, throat tight as he rolls onto his side, facing away from you, and smushing his face into the pillow, already wishing he hadn’t said anything. You’re the kindest person he’s ever met, but offering up this kind of raw insecurity feels like pulling teeth. Even if it’s you. Especially if it’s you. He doesn’t know if he’s ready to find out if you care about him enough to stay when his racing mind gets the better of him. The pillow muffles his voice as he says “never mind.”

You feel your own heart rate tic up in response to that, matching the wild beat of Spencer’s that you could feel under your palm only a second ago. “Baby, talk to me. What’s on your mind?”

He shakes his head, face still hidden in the pillow. “It’s stupid.”

He can feel the rush of your breath on his back as you sigh, and your voice is almost achingly patient as you say softly “it’s not stupid if it matters to you.” There’s a long pause, and you press yourself against his back, settling close and letting your hand slide over his side to rest on his chest, the heat of his skin sinking into yours even through his thin shirt. In spite of his height, he feels so small as you wrap yourself around him, drawing closer, trying to reassure him without yet knowing what he needs to be reassured of. “Spence?”

“Are you ashamed of-being with me? Is that why you want to hide it?” The words are almost whispered, the sound almost lost against his pillow and your heart sinks, plummeting faster and further than if you’d dropped it off the side of a skyscraper. You should’ve known he might worry about that, should have realised it might have felt that way. Remorse rises hot and bitter in your throat and you swallow it down, trying to steady your voice.

“Spencer. Sweetheart. No. Never. I could never be ashamed. I love you. I’m so sorry.” Your arms wrap more tightly around him and you bury your face against the crook of his neck, the tension you can feel in every inch of his body making you feel more cruel and short-sighted than you already do. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise it might feel like that. I could never be ashamed of being with you, Spence. You’re my favourite person.” He takes the kind of shaky, shallow breath that comes with trying not to cry and your heart breaks a little more as one of his hands slowly moves to cover yours where it rests against his chest, just over his heart.

As his hand rests over yours, his thumb strokes lightly along your knuckles, and he knows you know him well enough to notice the way his hand trembles, just a little, because then your hand is shifting against his, turning to clumsily tangle your fingers with his, holding tighter to him as he tries to collect himself, drawing in a deep, shuddering breath as his eyes squeeze shut. He can hear the contrition in your voice as you say softly “I’ve never really liked having people know everything about what’s going on in my life. And I love our friends but-something like this, that’s so-special? So new? I wanted to be able to keep it to just us for a while.”

“I’m sorry.” His voice comes out a little shaky, scarcely more than a whisper, and it’s more than you can take as you pull back and gently force him to roll over to face you. He’s not crying, but his eyes are glassy and you recognise the fight to keep the tears unshed in the tight set of his jaw and the hard line of his lips. Leaning on your elbow, you lift your free hand to gently smooth out the furrows of his brow, letting your fingers linger along the planes of his face.

“Why are you sorry,” you ask gently. “You don’t need to be sorry, baby. Not for talking to me about things that bother you. We can tell everyone else tomorrow, if you want? We can call off the bet. Derek will live. If he’s got a problem with it I’ll turn all his shirts into crop tops.”

He can tell the joke is a last bid attempt to make him smile, to ease his fear, and it works. In spite of the anxious weight in his chest that feels like it’s pressing him into the mattress, Spencer laughs weakly, meeting your eyes, and he watches as a relieved smile breaks across your face, releasing your lower lip from where you’d trapped it worriedly between your teeth. The unmitigated affection that floods into your eyes renders him momentarily breathless as he takes in the moment. You’re still here, still trying to take care of him. Just as kind and steadfast as ever.

“No,” he says eventually, wrapping his arms around you, pulling you down on top of him like a living weighted blanket, letting your warmth chase the bulk of the tension from his body and luxuriating in the way you curl into him, one hand sliding into his hair. “We shouldn’t call off the bet. We still have to take Emily’s money, remember?”

Your sleepy laugh is the last thing he hears before his eyes close and the feel of your body wound around his lulls him to sleep.

five months.

SR: Can I talk to you about something?

DM: you dying or something? that’s a really fuckin ominous text to recieve out of the blue

SR: I’m not dying, why would that be what you assumed? I just have a question.

DM: just a figure of speech but what’s up?

SR: It’s about your bet with Emily. What’re the terms for it?

DM: wym?

SR: What exactly did you two make the bet about? What needs to happen in order for you to win the bet?

DM: does this count as collusion?

SR: Technically yes, but calling it collusion implies a certain degree of illegality.

DM: whatever anyway the terms i made with em were that you’d make some kind of move before your birthday but she reckoned you were gonna need some kind of near death experience to do anything about your crush why?

SR: I’m just making sure I have all the information.

DM: what’s going on pretty boy? you planning something?

SR: Maybe.

DM: not a helpful answer reid is everything good?

SR: Everything’s fine. We’re just figuring some stuff out. Nothing to worry about.

DM: is there something you’re not telling me?

SR: Don’t worry about it.

five months, three weeks and six days.

In the chaos that was the scramble from the briefing room to the jet, you haven’t yet had the chance to speak to Spencer about the outcome of his most recent thesis defence panel. By the time you’ve got a moment to breathe, the jet is underway, coasting across the country towards Montana, the whole team settled in for the six hour flight. You corner him in the tiny kitchen area of the jet as he’s making a mug of mediocre coffee, fingers tapping out an absent minded rhythm on the countertop as the coffee machine whirs, clearly not paying attention to anything outside of his head.

“Hey, boy genius.” He jumps, whirling around, eyes wide with surprise, and you smile fondly. “So?” You demand, and Spencer raises an eyebrow in confusion. You snort, rolling your eyes as you elaborate. “Your defence panel. Did it go okay?”

You’re shifting your weight and fidgeting restlessly with the belt loops on your pants and as he studies you for a moment, it occurs to Spencer that you’re nervous for him over this outcome. The thought brings an almost giddy smile to his face.

“You know this isn’t my first thesis defence panel, right?” He says mildly, deliberately burying the lede, enjoying the way you scowl in irritation too much to answer your question right away, too enamoured with this display of concern on his behalf.

“Don’t be difficult, Doctor Reid. It’s still a big deal.” He just shrugs noncommittally, and you huff, swatting his arm lightly. “So did it go well?” You ask again, eyes narrowing as you try to dissect his microexpressions, trying to discern the answer he seems determined to keep from you for yourself. A few seconds later, he relents.

“I can now add degree number six to my wall.” He confirms. Getting degrees doesn’t hold the same rush of pride for him now, the accomplishment feeling somewhat less exceptional as he acquires more of them, but the way your face lights up with pride for him reminds him how special the things he’s capable of can be. You’ve always made him feel like more than the sum of his parts somehow, like something infinitely more precious than he always assumed he is.

“I fucking knew it. That’s amazing, Spence,” you say, chest warm and full with pride and love, and his almost shy smile in return is enough to make a decision for you in a split second. Your hand dips into your back pocket, drawing something out, and you carefully hide it from view in your palm as Spencer tracks the motion curiously with his eyes.

Your eyes are shining with affection and something that looks like mischief and the way you’re smiling at him is more than enough to divert his attention as you step closer, just barely noticing as you slip something into his hand. You’re dangerously, distractingly close now, and he’s conscious, if somewhat distantly, that neither of you is concealed from the rest of the team, scant meters away in the seating area of the jet. But you’re smiling and close enough for him to feel your breath on his face and suddenly your lips are on his, and even after nearly seven months of being able to touch you like this, it’s enough to make him forget everything else as he melts into the contact, savouring the warmth of your skin and the faint smell of your shampoo.

You pull back a second later, the kiss over almost as soon as it started, but it’s enough to attract attention, and you can hear a belated ‘oh SHIT’ from Emily in the main cabin of the jet. In your peripheral vision, you can see money changing hands, your friends scrambling to react, but you don’t look at them, choosing to enjoy the bemused, affectionate look on Spencer’s face as his brain catches up to the events unfolding around the two of you.

“I was tired of keeping it a secret,” you say fondly, loud enough only for him to hear. “You win.”

Blinking in confusion, he finally tears his gaze away from yours, fingers uncurling to reveal the fifty dollar bill you had pressed into his palm right before you kissed him. The penny drops and he snorts with laughter, shaking his head in half hearted indignation as his other arm loops around you, pulling you in, letting you rest your head on his shoulder, hiding your face from the rest of the team as he kisses your temple, revelling in the way you wind yourself around him in response.

“I was gonna do this in like two days. I wanted you to win,” he murmurs against your hairline, and he can feel your faint laughter.

“Too bad, baby. I’m used to getting my way,” you say, pulling back to steal another quick kiss before peeling yourself out of his arms with a wink, turning to face the onslaught of ‘care to fucking explain that’ and ‘I fucking told you so’ from the rest of your friends, tugging him with you by your joined hands.

[tendouluvr]

aizawa as a dad - teenage!reader

- fluff, dad aizawa momen

- warnings: hrmm none i think

- wc: 1.3k

a/n: basically me listing things i want bc im dadless

ps this is before the dorms were implemented meaning this takes place before that, so things that happened after that does not exist in this world

remembers your birthday

#! even you don’t remember it sometimes, but he does

#! it’s the morning of your birthday, you’re both in the kitchen

#! he’s drinking his daily dose of caffeine, lazily packing his lunch

#! you’re..falling asleep at the dining table...

#! you hear the chair next to you scrape across the floor, opening your eyes you see your dad deeply sigh while taking a seat

#! “you’re older now, so that means you have to be more responsible. you should be taking care of yourself. you also should listen to me more.”

#! you: ... (•.•?)

#! him: ..what?

#! “huh, what’re you going on about?” you rack your brain to think what could’ve possibly made him go on that unexpected lecture

#! “.......it’s your-,”

#! “OH, it’s my birthday,” you cut him off, giggling to yourself for forgetting such day

#! he sighs again and just pats your head before getting up to start leaving for school

#! “c’mon, you’ll be late.”

#! “ok~~.”

#! you won’t be late. he always make sure you’ll never be late, but he likes saying that because he thinks it’s so parent-like

always backs you up

#! even if deep down he knows you might lose in the practice battle against todoroki, he’s on your side

#! when it comes to silly little things like witty arguments between him and uncle present mic, you back him up leaving present mic with his echoed wails

#! also vice versa when you’re in some annoying banter with denki or something

#! you don’t call him ‘dad’ in class, nor does he show signs of favoritism towards you

#! you both know familial relations in school would always cause people to think about bias, favoritism, cheating, etc.

#! so luckily, he’s mature and you are too so you both know to not act so close with each other in school

#! but you drop the whole ‘aizawa sensei’ thing when you guys are alone

#! you did accidentally call him dad once when he was passing back test papers and you had a question about something

#! you were focused on the test papers you just got back, forgetting that you were in class for a second, and blurted out a quick, “dad? can you explain this.”

#! you didn’t even realize what you said until it got noticeably quiet in the class, causing you to raise your eyes up from the paper to see everyone looking at you and aizawa

#! he could care less, the man was getting cozy at his desk

#! you walked over to him anyway so he could answer your question

feeds you a lot of pre-made food or food that wasn’t cooked by him

#! he can’t really cook

#! he could do the bare minimum but the most you’ll ever get out of him is probably ramen with your favorite add-ons

#! his bffs can cook

#! aizawa doesn’t eat much himself, so when you entered his life he wasn’t really sure what to feed you

#! his best friends would cook for him now and then because they’re aware of his eating habits

#! but then they suddenly had two aizawas to feed

#! growing up you also ate a lot of freezer food. the good kinds though, the freezer food that doesn’t have that freezery taste after its been heated up

#! even though he couldn’t make you food, he still watched out for you and what you ate

#! if he notices that you’re eating too much sweet, he’ll comment on it. if he notices that you’re overdoing it with the salt, he’ll comment on it with a stern lecture about how deadly sodium can be.

#! he picks up your favorite convenience store snacks a lot after school

#! does aizawa seem like the type to make you eat veggies?? i’m not sure. sure he wants you to be healthy and not just consume junk, but i feel like he also doesn’t do too well with veggies

#! aizawa is secretly picky with his veggies hhhhh there’s specific ones he really likes, but for the most part he finds everything else weird in some way

#! headcanon that aizawa pouted over veggies he didn’t like as a kid and he would just stare at it thinking it’ll go away on its own

is loaded and spoils you unintentionally

#! he’s a prohero, one of the highest paying jobs by the government in the bnha universe

#! plus his teaching job. i know teachers salary isn’t too good, but it’s ua and this isn’t real life, so he’s probably getting paid stacks

#! also i think the cat outfit he bought for eri is suppose to be from some japanese brand that’s the equivalent of gucci in the u.s. (but ignore this bc this happened after the dorms were a thing 😁😁)

#! anyway he bought you a lot of toys as a kid, and tons of horrendous outfits that you cry over but never to his face because he’s trying his best </33

#! now that you’re a teenager, he doesn’t buy you toys anymore but has now evolved to buying you electronics on your birthday and just giving you pocket money

#! obviously aizawa doesn’t flaunt his wealth though, he doesn’t care about that and finds it unnecessary

#! he also barely spends on himself so he just has even more money saved up for no reason

#! but the thing is,, he doesn’t even realize how much he spends on you until you sit him down to talk to him

#! “dad, i do not need a new laptop. i’m fine with the one i have now, it’s still good. i saw you looking at laptops the other day.”

#! “what made you think i was looking at laptops for you?”

#! silence

#! complete, utter silence .....

#! “who’s it for then?!”

#! he rolls his eyes before answering you, “none of your business. go away.”

#! “ok fine whatever-,” you mumbled, “but my point still stands. i don’t need anything, and even if i did i can buy it myself!” you exclaimed boldly

#! “with what money?” he blankly stares at you

#! “with.....with... money i save up from birthdays and holidays because i never get to spend them!”

#! he just sighs, gets up from the couch, and walks away leaving you standing there smiling because you knew it was a successful talk

#! here’s a link to something i read that further added to my aizawa rich headcanon :]

kisses you goodnight on your forehead after he comes home from late missions/pro-hero runs

#! when you were a kid, you slept on his bed to feel safer

#! when he came home from late missions, he would walk into his room to see you bundled up in the blanket

#! after quickly getting ready for bed because he was schlumped, he got into bed as gently as possible to not wake you up

#! but you’re a light sleeper so you felt a familiar warmth encasing you and it jolted you awake, slightly whimpering trying to turn your head to see your dad

#! he noticed and quietly shushed you to get you back to sleep, “sh sh, it’s okay, it’s just me.”

#! your tiny arms would wrap around his chest and you stuffed your chubby face into his chest before you dozed off once again

#! now that you sleep in your own room, he would come home and peek in to check up on you

#! sometimes you were still awake — studying, on your phone, cleaning your room, insomnia, or just because

#! in this case he would just peek his head in, squint his tired eyes at you, mumble a slurred, “night.”, sigh at your smile that was clearly there to keep you from laughing, then finally head towards his room

#! but when he catches you asleep, he smiles to himself and makes his way into your room to give you a small forehead kiss before whispering, “goodnight.”

#! you never grew out of the light sleeping thing though, so you always knew of his small show of fatherly love

#! just don’t bring it up ever because he’s tired of you

[softyoongiionly]

BlackHeart Bakery

Who says Halloween can’t be romantic?

Pairing: Emo! Jungkook x Reader

Word Count: 3.7k

Genre: fluff

A/N: HI OMG IM SO SORRY THIS IS LATE. I love you, I hope you like it. I’m sorry it isn’t longer but, I still can’t wait for you to read it.

-you never imagined that the quirky lil bakery down the street from your university would change your life  

-But it did

-“Omg shut up, you’re so dumb.”

-“Rawr xD”

-“Did you just say rawr xD out loud??? That totally defeats the purpose of its existence...”

-“Don’t cite the deep magic to me witch, I was there when it was written.”

-“And now you’re quoting the chronicles of narnia- alright just go back to sleep you big dummy...”

-“Mmm but you married a big dummy so what does that say about you”

-“Jungkook don't spoil it oh my god!”

-“Like they don’t know what’s coming already- spoiler alert losers! I get the girl.”

-“I hate you...”

-“Mm yeah- I love it when you talk dirty to me baby. The last time you said that- we ended up fuc-“

-“Ok! That’s enough! Our story begins...”

-Jungkook’s bakery was quite famous around your city

-If people didn’t come for the gaudy Halloween decorations  

-They came for the music  

-Exclusively pop punk, if you’re wondering

-It was like 2009 everyday  

-Which was comforting, considering the world has gotten a little

-Tricky

-Since then

-But anyways

-If they didn’t come for the music or the decorations

-They came for the AMAZING espresso  

-And the spooky themed treats

-But if you’re being honest

-You think the main thing that keeps them coming back

-Is Jungkook  

-If his sweeping black hair didn’t get you

-Or the adorable cheeky twinkle in his eyes

-It was the tattoos and the piercings  

-He looked like he walked right off of a black veil brides music video set  

-He was hot

-This was obvious

-But he didn’t seem to think so

-You had come to the conclusion that he was oblivious  

-he shoved his feet into his big black doc martens every morning  

-Slipped on his beaded bracelets and studded chokers

-Pulled his fall out boy t-shirt over his

-Massive

-Tattooed

-Biceps

-And just thought hm

-I’m pretty average I guess (lol)

-That’s a direct quote from him btw

-Men truly are hopeless

-Jungkook opened the bakery two years ago

-He had mentioned to you that he had saved up money from his 3 part time jobs to put a down payment on the building  

-Which was wedged between a sex shop

-And a thrift store

-And honestly his bakery

-Blackheart Bakery, if you’re being specific  

-Fits right in

-Jungkook refuses to hire new staff

-“They won’t do it right.” He whined to you one day

-“One time I tried to hire this guy and he put the sugared googly eyes on the cookie skeletons ALL WRONG”

-“How do you put googly eyes on wrong?” You had giggled

-“you just do- i- See? This is exactly why I can’t hire anyone...”

-You had started chewing on the end of your pencil in the midst of your laughter

-It was an unconscious habit

-And it makes Jungkook shift uncomfortably, his hands moving off of the top of your table

-“Don’t do that...” he had muttered, smirking to himself as he walked back behind the counter  

-he did that a lot

-He’d mutter something  

-Mildly flirtatious under his breath and then  

-Just walk away

-It was quite confusing

-But honestly you had a feeling he was just a filrty person  

-You certainly weren’t the only girl he smirked at

-Not that you pay attention

-Ok  

-Maybe you do  

-Kinda  

-Pay attention  

-but it’s not your fault!!!!  

-You just  

-Can’t help but feel a little jealous

-You kiiiiiinda have a little thing for him

-Ok

-Maybe it’s a big thing  

-Maybe it’s a massive

-Gigantic

-Towering  

-Crush  

-But look at him!!!

-You simply couldn’t be blamed

-It was his fault  

-Yep

-That’s what you’re going with

-It was Jungkook

-And his tight t shirts

-His ripped jeans

-His dangly earrings

-His tattoos

-His big

-Stupid boots

-Ugh ok

-Focus  

-You have work to do

-The whole reason you began coming to Jungkook's cafe was so you -could find a consistent place to study for your exams

-You were in school to become a teacher :)  

-And teachers have to study very very hard  

-Educating the youth is no easy feat  

-Jungkook had asked what you were studying during the first week you arrived at his spooky house of baked goods

-“Oh I’m an education major”

-“Ahh so you’re getting an education about...education.” He concludes

-“I love it.”

-“So meta.”

-“Are they educating you on the disparities between impoverished children and wealthier children?”

-His wide eyes were brimming with genuine curiosity  

-You kind of got a kick out of how candid he was about such heavy conversation topics

-“Not as much as they should be but, I’m actually writing a paper on a similar topic right now...”

-This caused a brilliant grin to come over his face

-It was almost blinding really

-And it made your heartbeat all wonky  

-“Of course you are. You look smart like that...”

-He had backed away from your table then, seemingly satisfied

-Had you passed the vibe check?

-“I’ll leave you to your paper.” He nodded to your laptop but as he walked away, he pivoted back towards you on and the heel of his combat boot, “welcome to Blackheart Bakery by the way, let me know if I can get you anything.”

-Another brilliant smile is sent your way  

-“Thank you.” You had smiled back, sending a tiny wave his way

-Which in turn, made HIS heartbeat all wonky  

-You’re cute

-Like really cute

-And despite how often it may seem like his eyes are elsewhere

-They are ALWAYS on you

-Every chance he gets he is glancing your way

-Smirking to himself at how endearing you are

-Brow furrowed

-Lips pouted in concentration  

-Completely oblivious to his gaze

-He has to remind himself to look away  

-He doesn’t want to be a creep

-“Creepy men deserved to get kicked in the teeth...”

-He’s said this to you before when another patron had made you uncomfortable

-Jungkook kicked him out immediately  

-“If you don’t leave, I’ll have no choice but to kick you in the teeth. One, because I can’t compromise my personal philosophy and two because you’re making my favorite customer uncomfortable.”

-Oh look there goes your heartbeat again

-WONKY

-The guy leaves in an angry rush, flipping Jungkook off in the process

-Saying something about leaving a bad Yelp review  

-He doesn’t care tho

-He definitely doesn’t want to be a creep

-You’re just so  

-Pretty

-Ugh

-He rolls his eyes at himself behind the espresso bar

-The latte in front of him neglected  

-In need of a bit of foam

-“Focus Jeon, she’s just a chick...”

No wait

-“She’s just a woman. A woman who I respect, like I respect all women...”

-He’s been watching a lot of feminist theory on YouTube

-He likes staying educated  

-And also fuck the patriarchy

-The man waiting for his drink has arched a brow at this point, wondering if his barista has lost his mind

-“Uhhh medium...” he checks the cup for his awful hand writing, “ghostly toasted marshmallow latte!”

-“Thanks.” The guy mutters, throwing a judging look Jungkook's way  

-He gives him a lazy salute as the guy struts away with a briefcase in tow

-“Thaaanks.” Jungkook mocks him, his face scrunching up in annoyance  

-Stupid man

-With his stupid briefcase  

-As Jungkook is pulling out a batch of cream cheese frosting stuffed pumpkin muffins  

-Or as Jungkook calls them

-PUNK-in Muffins

-Movement at the counter catches his eye

-is that

-”oh shit...” He grunts, hastily wiping his hands on his apron and rushing over to the counter

-normally he would meander

-stroll

-or even slump to greet any new guests at this hour

-and by this hour

-he means 45 minutes before closing

-Jungkook’s bakery is open til midnight on weeknights

-9pm on Sundays

-and 3am on Saturdays (for the culture of course, gotta keep it spooky)

-tonight happens to be a Friday night and the person awaiting his assistance is

-you

-”You’re still here?” He gawks, the black polish on his nails glimmering as he punches in a few keys on the register

-You offer him a tired and slightly amused smile, “No. Y/N died around 4:30, you’re speaking to her ghost. Please leave your message after the tone.”

-Jungkook cracks a smile, his palms resting on flat on the counter, “Do ghosts check their voicemails?”

-“Oh of course not but, I will be checking yours because you have access to caffeine.”

-Jungkook laughs

-no...he giggles  

-and it’s fucking cute

-but you digress

-“I feel like I should cut you off...this is your 4th latte; I’m pretty sure you’re 80% caffeine at this point...”

-“Noooo, don’t do that.” You whine slumping against the counter, “I just need to finish this one page...”

-He quirks a brow as he scribbles something on your cup, unimpressed with your statement, “You said that three hours ago. I’ll make you another one but I’m not putting an extra shot in.”

-Your face turns up in protest but he click his tongue against his teeth , shaking a manicured finger at you

-“Ah ah- nope. I don’t want to hear it. You either take that or I’m making you a hot chocolate and shutting the buildings power off.”

-With a dramatic sigh, you concede

-“Ugh fine. Here-” You go to hand him your debit card but he shakes his head

-“Put that away.”

-You want to protest but given the fact that he’s made the rules thus far during this interaction, you doubt you’d be able to stop him.

-A smile appears on your face then, appreciative of his generosity

-“Thank you.”

-He merely grins, waving you off before rolling up the sleeves of his black Blink 182 shirt

-as soon as his tattoos are out

-all the moisture leaves your mouth

-you try your hardest not to stare at him

-expertly, he eases the espresso shots into the milk, tongue poking between his lips in concentration

-and you

-being sleep-deprived

-and a little loopy

-decide to  

-flirt????????

-if you could even call it that

-which you could but you shouldn’t

-“For the record, when I finally dig my way out of this of mountain of death I’m stuck in, I will definitely take you up on that hot chocolate...”

-Jungkook’s brow quirks at the tone of your voice, his hands suddenly itching with nerves

-was that

-was that flirty?

-should he flirt back?

-“My hot chocolate is legendary. You won’t be disappointed.” His lips display a small grin as he places the lid atop your finished latte, “Also mountain of death is a great name and I WILL be stealing it.”

-You giggle

-again

-“and I WILL be suing you for copyright.”

-He laughs now, wiping up the bit of milk he spilled

-the sinewy muscles in his forearm tensing and untensing

“Good luck getting me to show up to court.”

-and that’s kinda how it was between you and Jungkook

-for like six months

-it was a little bit flirty but never anything to push either over you over the edge.

-and speaking of being on edge

-recently, you had gone from vacationing in your timeshare on the edge

-to signing a 35 year mortgage contract  

-4 bedrooms

-2.5 bathrooms

-of pure

-unrelenting

-stress

-you could feel it in the middle of your back

-shoving itself up between your shoulder blades

-your body seemed to ache with it

-the worst part being

-it was Halloween

-You should be out with your friends, having fun

-wearing itchy costumes and drinking sugary drinks

-but instead, your headed towards the bakery to work

-Jungkook was behind the counter, smiling happily at a family dressed like the cast of scooby doo

-from what you could see he was wearing a skeleton onesie

-his jet black hair tousled perfectly above his head

-he looked adorable

-(and hot)

-He notices you instantly, his face turning up in surprise

-you offer up a small wave and head over to your table

-you know he’s going to say something about you being there but

-you don’t really have much of a choice

-this work has to be done

-it takes him a second to spot you but when he does

-he seems to perk up

-his smile brightening as he looks back towards his customer

-as you’re setting everything up, you feel a presence (not the spooky kind) at the end of your table

-it’s Jungkook and he has your regular order in one hand, along with something wrapped in skeleton-patterned parchment paper

-“I know, I know.” You acknowledge before he’s even able to chide you for being here

-He smirks “What are you doing studying on the holiest day of the year??”

-You giggle

-“The holiest day of the year huh?”

-“Of course. Halloween is the one night a year that the homies can dress like total -sluts and no one can say anything about it.”

-This makes you giggle again

-“And you went with slutty skeleton huh? I love it- it’s like as naked as you can possibly get.”

-He chuckles, gesturing to his costume

-His floppy black hair getting in his face

-“Damn right baby.”

-The way he grins tells you the pet name is a joke

-But the deepening of his voice gets to you anyway

-“Thank you for this. I promise I’ll get out of your hair early tonight.”

-“The only thing I’m worried about getting out of my hair is this white spray paint. You’re welcome to stay as long as you want.”

-He’s put a streak of white spray paint in his raven locks

-Why? You’re not certain

-Does it look good on him, like everything else does?

-Absolutely

-Its been a few hours since your night of studying began

-Jungkook’s dropped off two free lattes since you’ve arrived  

-As well as a slice of his ‘I write cinnamon not tragedies’ bread

-Which was equally hilarious and delicious

-You caught him glancing over at your table a few times but you didn’t think anything of it

-He’s probably just checking to make sure that no one needs your table

-His bakery is packed most nights but Halloween is a special night at Blackheart Bakery

-He has a trick or treat counter set up with free (homemade) candy

-A photo op complete with a fake haunted house backdrop

-A Halloween playlist

-And a bunch of discounts on his signature lattes and food

-you watch him amongst the chaos

-He is completely unfazed

-He seems elated at the amount of customers he has

-he grins and laughs at something a man dressed like Thor says at his counter

-he seems entirely in his element

-you realize that the denial tactics you’ve been trying out haven’t been working

-because this floppy haired, tattooed, slutty skeleton/baker kind of has a hold on your heart

-you’ve been friends for a long time now

-he always makes sure you’re taken care of

-he always asks if you’re ok

-he always gives you this little grin

-it feels like a secret sometimes

-but maybe it’s been his way of letting you know where he stands

-he’s been bringing you lattes and pastries for months now

-he never charges you full-price

-he always reminds you not to work too hard

-he

-fuck

-he likes you doesn’t he?

-you look back over at the counter to see him bending over and handing a skeleton cookie to a little girl dressed like Captain Marvel

-he laughs at something she says

-his eyes focused entirely on her and whatever she seems to be proclaiming to him  

-your heart goes wonky again

-alright

-enough is enough

-you’re doing this  

-Jungkook’s done so much of the work thus far

-it’s time for you to seal the deal

-and if he rejects you, well…

-you can just crawl into a hole and never come out again

-easy peasy

-You can feel his eyes on you as you get up to take your place in line

-luckily there isn’t anyone else behind you

-rejection with an audience would certainly be worse

-Jungkook has his witty comment ready for you as you approach the register

-“I know for a fact you haven’t finished your third latte and I’m not making you another one until-“

-“I’m not here for another latte.” You laugh, trying to ignore the thrashing of your heartbeat

-“No? Well, are you finally going to try my Welcome to the Blackened Chicken Parade Burger then? I’ve been asking you for like three weeks…”

-god he’s fucking cute

-“I’m here to ask you out.”

-Jungkook swears he feels his heart stop

-“You’re here to…”

-He repeats the first part of your response as his he didn’t hear you

-his black fingernails anxiously tapping against the countertop

-“I’m here to ask you out- on a date.”

-Jungkooks face seems to go through various stages of confusion before a shy smirk presents itself on his pretty mouth

-“Me? You’re asking me-“ He places a hand on his chest, “-out on a date?”

-“Yes!” You laugh, slapping the counter a bit too hard, your nerves getting the best of you, “Are you down?”

-He shakes his head but his answer contradicts his movements

-“So down, beyond down. There is no one on Earth who is more DOWN than I am. Yes. My answer is yes. 50000% yes.”

-you can’t help the smile on your lips

-“great. So are you free next Friday then?”

-He grins with his teeth this time, nodding emphatically  

-“Consider the shop closed.”

-and so it was

-you returned to your table moments later  

-feeling on top of the world

-you did it

-you asked Jungkook out

-and he said yes

-and now you

-NOW YOU HAVE A DATE WITH JUNGKOOK

-LOOK AT YOU GO

-TAKING CHARGE

-you try your best to engage with your studies but with Jungkook on your mind

-its really hard

-roughly two hours later, things at the bakery have finally started to slow down

-“Hey uh- Y/N?”

-Jungkook's voice that pulls you out of your studying trance

-he’s standing at the entrance of his back room, waving you over with his hand

-and who are you to deny him?

-you make your way over there, annoyed at the instant increase in your heartrate

-he stands awkwardly to the side and gestures to the boxes on the metal rack

-“I just remembered that I’ve never given you a tour of the place. I give all my regulars a tour of the stockroom and my office and uh-”

-he cuts himself off and clumsily cups your cheek

-he pulls you into a kiss

-a really good kiss

-his lips are so warm

-he smells like cinnamon

-you could literally die happy

-The ridiculous nature of his first attempt to kiss you, makes you giggle into his mouth

-you feel him smile, his hands smushing your cheeks together as he pulls away

-“Ok I lied. There is no tour. I’ve just been watching you focus on your computer for the last two hours and you’re just really fucking cute and-”

-this time, it’s you who cuts him off

-“You better give me an actual tour next time. How else am I going to steal your secret recipes?”

-he scoffs in mock offense

-“Ah ha! So that’s the only reason you asked me out huh? Should I be calling you Plankton instead of Y/N? Ew no wait- that would make me Mr. Krabs and he’s a dirty capitalist...”

-You laugh, “Oooh good point. Guess you’ll just have to be Karen, my computer wife.”

-This makes him laugh now and the sound warms your soul

-“I could live with that- I like your last name better anyways.”

-with another kiss, your adventure with the emo baker of your dreams begins

-It may have been Halloween but it sure felt like Christmas to you

[p1nkwitch]

Just wanted to drop this cause im tired.

Enjoy some lonelyeyes reincarnation au in a coffee shop.

Peter works.

Its not something that particularly bothers him much. His sister laughs and jokes around with him, while moving around serving her orders.

Their cafe is small and cozy but also sort of lonely, they have the oddest shifts imaginable, mostly working the graveyard shift.

Peter cooks the pastries while Judith and Aaron take the orders and serve the food. Clara has her music show on fridays and Lydia works at the art gallery but spends most of her time helping around as well.

The five of them are happy.

Simon was happy to help them pay for the Tundra Cafe. He hums under his breath while Judy sings along, there weren't that many people so they could do it without shame.

He is content.

…

At least he thinks he is. And honestly why shouldn't he? He has a good job, he has a good relationship with all his siblings, his adoptive dad loved them unconditionally.

By all means he should be nothing but happy.

And yet.

He feels… as if something was missing.

It was like an itch that he could not get over with.

It probably started back when he got a crush in one of his college professors that he realized-

That he really was missing something important.

Mister Wright was older than him sure, but he was handsome and Peter wasn't one to care much about age. However, the few times they spoke it was-

It was like there was something not right, it soured him somehow, but perhaps it was for the best, the man was married and he just had a stupid silly crush. It still did not take away the fact that he felt as if there was something off with him too.

He thinks his eyes should be a clearer grey than they were.

The next time he realized something was off was when he met Elias Bouchard.

Again it was embarrassing how quickly he seemed to get a crush on him, he just saw him a few times and his mind got stuck on his face. He was handsome and this time he was around his age. They had a few classes together so despite his anxiety he actually spoke with him.

And it was….

Dull.

He was dull as a wall. It did not lead up to anything else, beyond a few greetings later on, but it stayed on his mind.

Any other attempt at dating or going out turned out badly for him and its not as if he didn't try! It just was never… right.

Clara said that if he kept looking for the perfect person he would die alone and miserable. Lydia hits her and tells him that its ok, sometimes people don't click, he just needs to find someone who gets him.

He tries, but between his social anxiety, personality and perhaps his lack of interest in sex during the best of times, people are more or less put off with him. His sisters and brother are all offended on his behalf but Peter has resigned himself to not think too much about it.

Maybe he is like Lydia and he is better off alone.

That makes all of them look at him with tight faces and he blinks confusedly at them.

“What?”

“Nothing, nothing, just, you have us and dad Peter you're not alone” Judy holds his hand and Aaron nods.

“I- i know, i just meant like relationship wise, maybe i just have to be alone. I know I have all of you. We live in the same building block. I don't think we could be alone if we wanted” That makes them all sort of laugh and the tension breaks.

His siblings talk and joke and he ponders.

He wonders why sometimes they all act weird with him when he speaks about being alone. Why his adoptive dad always made sure to let them know he loved them. Simon was fun and took care of them, but it always felt as if he wasn't saying something.

However he sees his family be happy around him and he ignores that feeling of wrong that always permeates around him. He won't dampen their happiness with his own pessimistic thoughts and paranoia.

So yes, Peter bakes, makes models of ships on his free time, takes pictures a lot-

He found out he enjoyed keeping pictures of things he liked, plus taking odd ones of his siblings. It was just… harmless fun, more often than not he went to the port to take pictures of the ships. He wondered how it would feel to have his own.

Still that's a dream for someone else.

Peter Fairchild is happy with the quaint little life he has.

It stands to reason that his life would be upturned on a Tuesday, Peter has a personal hate towards that day of the week and it makes sense that this happened then.

Aaron was running late, he had to help a friend move out and it took longer than expected, the cafe opened earlier than usual and there were a lot of people. Judith could not take all the orders on her own, and their sisters would not be able to help at least for another hour. So with a sigh and discomfort he goes to take orders.

They work faster like that at least.

Its when he asks about the order of some guy working on his laptop that he gets hit with something familiar.

“One black coffee and a chocolate croissant” The order rings alarm bells on his head so he looks to the face of the owner.

A man with curly auburn hair, red glasses and freckles gives him a practiced strained smile that he sees in more clients, but what actually makes him almost drop the paper he was writing on was the eyes, they were such a cool shade of grey.

He flounders and the man raises an eyebrow impatiently, so he writes quickly and goes back to get order. She gives him a puzzled look since she is usually the one taking them to the customers, but Peter shakes his head and works.

His hands move on autopilot to make the coffee, and even if he says black he puts just the right amount of milk and sugar that his mind provides.

Picking up one of the freshly made croissants and after hesitating a chocolate chip cookie he goes and gives it to the man quietly and without a word. That done and his sweaty palms and his heart going faster he goes to hide in the kitchen, expecting to get yelled at for messing up the order-

But nothing happens.

Judith comes to check on him, but Peter was at that point just cleaning up a little bit and waves her away. Nodding she hesitates and hugs him a little bit before going out. He lets out a breath and sighs.

Lydia and Clara come 10 minutes later and he can stay cooped out in the kitchen in peace. Still he can't help but to be nervous about the customer he gave the coffee and cookie.

Why did he change his order? It was insignificant but it just sounded right. Fretting a little he finishes cleaning the plates. Nothing else comes about and by the time they close the man is gone.

The feeling of loss becomes stronger.

He doesn't see him again for at least another 3 weeks, in fact the only reason he realizes is because Clara says there is a sour red head giving her and Judith the stink eye every time they try to get his order. His lips twitch upwards and he suggests sending Aaron, she rolls her eyes but asks the younger boy to go.

Its not five minutes later that he comes back just as perplexed.

“Is he trying to just get the wifi for free? I'm going to kick him off” Peter dries his hands and quietly prepares the order. Once he is done he sneaks out and delivers it to him, the man gives him a critical look that sends shivers down his spine. Both in disgust and familiarity.

“I didn't order yet”

“... Well you didn't let anyone take your order anyways” His lips purse in thought and he picks up the drink taking a sip. He puts the rest of his things down and goes to turn around to leave, when he asks how did he know how he takes his coffee.

Peter doesn't have a clue.

“You just looked like you needed something less bitter” He sees his mouth fall open slightly and Peter goes while feeling his ears burn, oh god why did he say that?

Once back in the safety of the kitchen, Judy gives him a look but pats his shoulder and goes out.

Ok, ok, he is fine.

The man keeps coming and refuses to let any of his siblings pick out his orders. So Peter is the one in charge to talk with him. Albeit that is an understatement. They merely snark a little, he gives him his order and goes. Whoever is working that day is supposed to charge him, Peter is only obligated to present the food. However the interesting thing is, that just as their cafe opens at weird hours of the day, the man appears there just as well, its kind of eerie how well he seems to know when it's open considering they have the oddest schedules.

Its in fact in one of those times they work at night that he sees him again. Usually he is very put together, but this time he looked… well messy. His hair looked as he had run his hands through it several times, his eyes were red and puffy and he honestly looked miserable.

Peter was completely baffled, the worst part is he wasn't sure what to do, or if he should say something.

The place was almost empty, his sister was keeping watch, so he just stands there and asks what he wanted that night.

He looks up to him and Peter has that feeling that this man should not be looking like this, he should be smug or sure of himself not… whatever this was. He also wanted to pull him towards him and that thought made his cheeks heat up.

“Just- heh, just surprise me i guess. Its been… its been one of those days” He is not sure what he means, but he nods and goes to make him something. Most of the names of the drinks and desserts were Lydia's ideas, the rest of his siblings alongside him were terrible at picking names. He is surprised they even let him pick the one of the cafe, but considering the other options, it was the least weird one.

Still they do have some that they chose for the orders.

Case in point.

The chocolate tower cake lovingly named the panopticon and his special coffee the watcher. It was named like that when it was proven that it had so much caffeine that it made you unable to sleep. He is sure he saw a guy stop blinking for like five minutes after insisting on drinking it, despite the warnings.

So once he grabs it, he takes it to the table and warns him.

“We are not responsible for the repercussions of drinking the watcher” The man looks at him and for the first time since he started to come he sees him smile, soon it turns into laughter. Peter watches while clutching the tray and feeling butterflies in his stomach.

He has a lovely laugh.

“What- what is so funny?”

“You- i- it doesn't matter. I get the name now I suppose. The cake?” The small chocolate tower had several fillings and it was very spongy and full of chocolate.

“Mm the panopticon is the best cake we have, surprised you didn't try it before little man” The slip up comes and he freezes expecting the man to say something or get annoyed, but all he does is sigh and smile more sadly at him.

“Thank you” Its weird and he is unsure what happened but he smiles back awkwardly.

He doesn't come back for 2 weeks.

Its raining when he sees him again.

It was Lydia and him and the place only had two clients sitting around drinking and talking amicably. He doesn't pay attention to the little whistle that lets them know someone entered, Simon thought it would be more fun than a bell.

Still his older sisters comes inside looking-

Frazzled?

Lydia is the most calm out of all of them so he immediately goes to see if she is fine, instead she shakes her head and points inside the cafe.

When he looks he sees the man, but he also realizes he has an awful bruise on his eye and chin as if someone had punched him. His heart sort of seizes and his sister goes out with him.

“Are you-”

“I want another watcher and panopticon” He doesn't let him finish, he is sitting close to the register. The man looks even more tired and wiped out.

“... I will get it?” Lydia elbows him. “Do you- do you want some ice for your face?” He can feel his sister disappointment and need to hit her forehead, but he honestly doesn't know what to say. The man, and he really needs to get a name, nods, so Peter prepares the order and gets some ice wrapped up for him.

“Thank you”

“You are welcome um..-?” He drifts and the man looks at him with one eye squinting due to the swelling.

“Jonah. In Jonah Magnus” He seems to be expecting something, yet Peter just nods.

“Peter Fairchild pleasure to meet you?” Lydia is giving him looks. Jonah seems to deflate, but smiles a little, albeit is tainted by the grimace of pain.

“Now that we have names can i eat?” He scowls but nods and lets him be. Still he checks on him from time to time and everytime he peeks from the kitchen window he sees him staring back at him. Peter blushes and works.

He leaves and he is left with questions.

Lydia acts very oddly and concerned about him and the man, but he waves her off.

Jonah comes back, still with the bruises but he looks more calm.

“I wanted to apologize for the scare, I had an altercation with… a friend. That went poorly as you can see” Peter nods and gives him his cookies.

“So- um.. I was wondering if perhaps as a… you know, treat for being so nice, you would like to go out to eat? Or well i was going to suggest getting some coffee but i think you might already be tired of it by now” It takes him a few seconds to realize he is asking him out. When he does he chokes on air and after thinking it a little he nods.

He sees Jonah smile become more real and realizes he was concerned he would say no. He also sees his cheeks start to slowly become more pink the more he stares. So he looks elsewhere and says they can pick a date later. Jonah nods, grabs the writing pad from his hands brushing their fingers and puts up a number.

“So we can arrange it more easily” Peter nods and laughs nervously while walking away. He feels them tingle pleasantly.

“YOU HAVE A DATE!!”

“With the weirdo Ju, i'm sure Peter can do better than him-”

“Cla don't be mean, plus he said yes so he is interested-!”

“That he is interested doesnt mean its good for him Aaron!”

“Don't be so sour-”

Lydia sits with him and they just watch TV calmly while the others talk in the kitchen making dinner. It was Saturday so they were having it in her apartment.

“Do you think it will make you happy?” The question is too particular, but his sister is always like that so he nods.

“It feels… right, more real than anything i suppose, i know its weird but i just…” He just sometimes feels as if he is sort of existing in some sort of empty space and that everything is his imagination.

Life is good. He has siblings that love him, a dad that cares for all of them instead of their original family that was terrible.

Peter has a job-

Life is perfect.

And yet-

This man is more real than anything else.

Like a splash of color in his grayscale world, he is infuriating with his answers when they have small talks at the cafe, but the banter is familiar, it gives him an ache that doesn't understand.

The same ache he thinks he got when he met James and Elias, only this time its because its right. Jonah is right. He is put out of his musings by a hand on his arm.

“I get it Peter… i really do. As long as you are happy its fine. Just… just know that we love you ok? Don't forget it” He tilts his head and sighs before giving her sister a side hug, the top of her head is a little below his collarbone, so he kisses it and says that he could never.

They meet up to actually have lunch.

Its… its nice.

Jonah is a little bastard and they spend time judging and betting on the people around. He also learns more about him.

He is working mostly in management, which he thinks suits him way too well, he seems bossy enough.

“Rude!” He grins at him and feels…

At ease.

The man likewise seems far more calmer and happy, it makes him oddly happy to see him like that.

They keep going out, sometimes for lunch, sometimes they get coffee somewhere else. But they do and the more he gets to hear him talk, the more he feels as if he had always know him, but just could not remember it. Sometimes Jonah seems that he knows him too and its sort of perplexing. Clara would say he stalked him, but its- there are such small things that its not possible for him to know, even if he had.

Its at their 6 date that he asks him to eat at his place. He looks surprised but nods.

When he opens the door and sees him, he almost stammers a holy fuck, he barely manages to get a hold of himself. Jonah looked-

Handsome, so so handsome. It sort of fried his brain a little bit.

So he lets him and tries to finish cooking to distract himself from saying something stupid or embarassing like-

Marry me.

No, no he is not that stupid.

Still Jonah offers to help and they work in tandem and it is such a familiar feeling he is left breathless.

They move as if they both already were used to having the other in their space, its… nerve wracking. Peter wants to know why.

The dinner is delicious and they end up curling on the couch watching tv, Jonah is using him as a giant pillow and Peter can't complain, the weight on top of him actually makes him feel comforted and also sleepy…

He sees the man yawn and before thinking it better asks if he wants to crash here since its late and they are both tired. Jonah blinks at him and he sees him hesitate, so he assures him he won't take it bad if he says no, it was merely a suggestions and-

He laughs and nods before hiding his face on the crook of his neck. He lets out a breath almost as if punched and feels his cheeks warm up while grinning like an idiot.

Once they change and he offers the man a shirt that hangs a little bit too loosely around his frame they get in bed and Peter sort of… stares, Jonah does the same.

“Hey” His lips twitch.

“Hey yourself” It's not clear which one of them moves first, but the next thing he knows they were kissing. It wasn't rushed or anything merely a press of their lips that sets him aflame inside. God he loves him doesn't he?

He loves-

He-

…

Oh.

Son of a bitch.

He bites his lip lightly making the man complain and then he pulls back.

“You sneaky bastard” He sees him frown and then light up with realization.

“Oh”

“Hello Elias” He frowns.

“Jonah if you don't mind” Peter mulls it over, thinking of James and Elias. It wasn't the body that he wanted.

It was the smug bastard that was piloting it that he loved.

“Jonah” The man shivers “I died” He sees him lock his jaw and close his eyes. How peculiar, he would not have hidden away before or shown… shame for what he can see on his face, he wonders what changed in this life.

Peter sees him swallow.

“You did” Nodding he thinks. He died, there were fear gods, he was a Lukas once upon a time, but now he was a Fairchild even if by adoption.

He grew alone, he grew with his siblings.

He was lonely, he was loved.

Peter sees a small tear escape Jonah along with his body being tightly coiled, as if waiting to sprint out.

The punches make sense now, if someone else remembered...

Letting out a breath and pulling at his hair in thought, Peter closes his eyes too and lets it all go over him. That was a life ago, and now? Now he is here and he was… content, but not happy.

Not until he found him again. Or more like Jonah found him.

Its easy honestly, the answer to what he wants to do with him and this chance.

Peter in his first life had only cared about two things, his god and Elias. One is gone, the other.. changed, but was still the same. The same man he had fallen in love with so many times, and in different ways through the years of their marriages and divorces.

The only one that had some form of hold over his heart.

“Come here my little siren” Jonah’s eyes flash open and he blinks a few more tears away before scrambling to his open arms. Its raining outside and the sound its what they hear beyond their breathing and the beating of their hearst. The lights of the room are dimmed and Peter finally feels right, he pulls the covers up and tangles their bodies together, fitting perfectly together.

Without forsaken he can admit it freely, that he loves this, loves the feeling of Jonah pressed against him, a different body, but also always the same.

He just needs to get used to it again, slowly playing with his hair he speaks.

“You are quite a bastard, but so am i and… as nice as this life is… i think its much better with you in it” Jonah shivers.

“What i'm trying to say is i missed you, even if i didn't remember you before. It was always like there was something amiss. A hole in my perfect little life”

“I-” He smiles tiredly.

“You didn't, i know, but its ok. I know you” Jonah shakes his head.

“I did- i just didn't know it either, i thought it was Barnabas at first, then the others, but… it was you. I missed you Peter, I really did…. Even- even in the apocalypse I still did, I would look into the lonely often. Useless sure, but i did” His plan had worked, but at the same time that was no longer their issue.

“Well I guess we are at an impasse. What do you want to do?”

“... I want- i want to stay, please” He thinks of his apartment, big enough for two.

“You will have to deal with my siblings and Simon, this time we stayed close” He snorts.

“If they don't kick me out, i was… an ass with them” Kissing his forehead Peter laughs.

“You were, but… they are happy for me”

“... then yes i would like to stay”

“Good, Jonah?” He looks up to him again, and Peter sees the eyes are the same, that this time they are right, leaning down he kisses him. They fumble in bed for a long while and when they are both sated and more used to each other's bodies, Peter lets the smaller man hug him from the back to cuddle and finally fall asleep.

“You know one would think you would enjoy the opposite of this-”

“I do, but i missed you, so hush and just sleep” He stays quiet for a little bit.

“Night Peter”

“Night, I love you”

“.... i love you too” He smiles.

In the morning they will make breakfast, Jonah goes to his place and he prepares to work. Once he sees him come in later on during the day he presents to him his order and gets a smile.

They will try to make this life count.

He wonders how long till he moves in with him.

On his way to buy groceries he sees a box with a familiar kitten left to the side of a building and he sighs. Better take his cat to the vet now, food can wait.

His sisters will be ecstatic.

Aaron not so much since he is allergic, but well.

It is his cat.

Life truly is good now.

He got his husband, his cat, family and job.

Humming along with the kitten pawing at his arms softly he feels the most happy as he has ever been.

[if-the-crown-fits-translate-it]

Discord pt 79

[Date: 15/03, 6:49 PM - 7:30 PM GMT]

Maxwell: “hey you guys?

I was wondering if i could ask y'all for advice”

Gyuteinnit: “What's up?”

Maxwell: “do any of y'all know a good way to get rid of headache

I woke up this morning to one and it hasn't gone away yet”

Gyuteinnit: “Try a cold pack and don't be online as much and just try to get away from the screen also possibly sleep if you can”

Maxwell: “Yeah I had been doing that mainly”

fetch: “Warm rag over the eyes and lay down, maybe shut off the lights

thats how mona helped me with mine anyway”

Gyuteinnit: “That also helps”

Maxwell: “hm....”

fetch: “You also just might need to eat or drink something”

Maxwell: “hopefully it does I havent had a headache this bad in a while

usually it goes away after i take a tylenol but its been hours now”

emuhlee: “that's not good”

Maxwell: “ey its

just a headache

itll go away eventually

i just hope sooner rather then later ha...”

emuhlee: “hopefully!”

dreaming: “if it persists you should look into it..

further”

Maxwell: “might be a little hard

not many doctors are accepting of hybrids...”

dreaming: “that sucks, hopefully you can find one..”

Maxwell: “i should be good...i might look up what type of headache it could be that might help with figuring out what caused it”

dreaming: “yeah!”

Maxwell: “it might be a tension one....i cant tell though

its not really near my forehead

more so right above my ears and then around the back”

dreaming: “that.. considering some stuff doesn't sound good...

i don't want to make you scared or anything but..”

Maxwell: “reminds me of when i used to wear a headband or something and it would be sore after ha

scared?”

fetch: “You prolly just slept on your head wrong lmao

I wake up in messed up positions all the time”

Maxwell: “yeah....what was it you were gonna say dreaming?

What?

Is something wrong?”

emuhlee: “i can't speak for them, but what i understood, is they might be a bit worried about syd's new.. headpiece.. and how it uh.. came to be.. and then, uh. you now having a headache..”

jaynoblade: “...yeah that's what i was thinking as well”

Maxwell: “....what...

no no no its not”

Mothbo: “I'd suggest staying away from Baroness/interacting with her until we get more info.”

Maxwell: “it cant be

im fine

ive jsut been sleeping on the floor so much thats it”

fetch: “yall I'm pretty sure we'd know if max had vines growing out of his head”

Maxwell: “yeah”

Mothbo: “To be fair we didn't see Syd's coming either.”

Maxwell: “id notice it when i shower or brush my hair”

Marcus: “Hey hey hey, max it’s okay”

emuhlee: “i think it's just a headache, but it's probably something we should keep in mind”

jaynoblade: “i saw what was happening to syd. none of us knew it was anything more than a headache until it... happened”

fetch: “can we talk about something else. you're just scaring him.”

Mothbo: “It will be okay, Max. I doubt it's the same thing. Try to rest and take headache meds.

Yes lets”

Marcus: “You probably slept on the floor wrong”

jaynoblade: “yeah good idea”

Marcus: “My arm is kind of numb maybe you laid on it?

Made your head sore”

fetch: “oh yeah I caught yall nappin on the floor earlier >:P”

Maxwell: “jus the idea of that happening to me....ugh....watching it happen was bad enough

yeah i....was a little tired earlier

tried to nap to get rid of the headache”

fetch: “farming awwws”

Marcus: “..you weren’t sleeping well last night

Maybe it was that too

Tossing and turning, not getting enough sleep can give you a headache too”

Maxwell: “Maybe...”

emuhlee: “Most signs point to it having to do with your sleep, so i think everything is okay, just a normal headache”

jaynoblade: “i typically find that when i get a headache, drinking a ton of water helps bc i tend to forget and then i get dehydrated"

Maxwell: “True”

Marcus: “We’ll get you some food and water just to make sure it’s not those and then we can do something low energy until you either nap or it goes away on it’s own”

Maxwell: “Could be my teeth too...”

fetch: “Yeah, you're part rat right? Their teeth grow pretty fast don't they”

emuhlee: “Do you normally have caffeine? It could be a lack of caffeine if it's something your body is used to.”

Maxwell: “Yeah I used to have things I’d chew on to keep em from growing too much but I haven’t done that in while”

[emuhlee: “Do you normally have caffeine? It could be a lack of caffeine if it's something your body is used to.”]

Maxwell: “No Mona likes it but I can’t stand the smell, makes me kind of sick”

emuhlee: “not even soda or chocolate? those have caffeine too”

Mothbo: “Tea and energy drinks too”

Maxwell: “I like chocolate but I haven’t had it for a while I’ve mostly been drinking water and milk”

[Maxwell: “Yeah I used to have things I’d chew on to keep em from growing too much but I haven’t done that in while”]

Marcus: “What kind of things do you need? I’m sure there’s something around here”

fetch: “Maybe we can get you chewies? Like hard candies or even a chew stim to keep your teeth grinded down”

[Marcus: “What kind of things do you need? I’m sure there’s something around here”]

Maxwell: “Anything like wood or something would work”

Marcus: “Does it have to be a certain kind? There’s lots of sticks and stuff outside..”

[fetch: “Maybe we can get you chewies? Like hard candies or even a chew stim to keep your teeth grinded down”]

Maxwell: “That....might be helpful thank you my last one broke a while back”

[Marcus: “Does it have to be a certain kind? There’s lots of sticks and stuff outside..”]

Maxwell: “Honestly no as long as it isn’t dirty and won’t give me splinters it’s good”

Marcus: “Okay so we get some from out there, maybe take the bark off and wash them?”

Maxwell: “Sure as long as it doesn’t break super easily”

Marcus: “Okay! I’ll go look around the backyard”

[dreaming: “have you done anything like that recently?..”]

Maxwell: “I don’t like energy drinks or such or sweets...

Hey jack...”

Jack: “hey Max!

honestly i had a pretty bad headache a few days back and it turned out i was just dehydrated.

make sure you drink plenty of water :)”

jaynoblade: “dehydration my abhorred”

Maxwell: “I’ll try”

Jack: “yeah i had like two glasses of cold water and was fine

staying away from Baroness and the Court is probably a good idea for you + the rest of Mona's crew anyways, headache or not. You're all more at risk to start off with.”

Marcus: “Okay I got some, I’ll go clean them up and bring you some food and water

And request for food max?”

[Jack: “staying away from Baroness and the Court is probably a good idea for you + the rest of Mona's crew anyways, headache or not. You're all more at risk to start off with.”]

Maxwell: “I still gotta ask her about that note though....”

Jack: “Even if it's completely unrelated. better safe than sorry. someone else can always ask for you!”

kate: “We can ask my man”

Maxwell: “And not really, maybe some thing cold? My....my mom used to say to me if I wasn’t feeling good to eat something that gave you electrolytes to feel better”

Jack: “coconut water is rad for dehydration, if you're into that sort of thing.

[Maxwell: “And not really, maybe some thing cold? My....my mom used to say to me if I wasn’t feeling good to eat something that gave you electrolytes to feel better”]

Marcus: “Okay! How about some fruits? Strawberries and watermelon boost electrolytes and that’ll help with dehydration too”

Maxwell: “I’ve always liked watermelons....”

Marcus: “Okay I’ll be right back. How do you feel about turkey and cheese sandwiches?

You need some protein”

Maxwell: “Maybe not Turkey but I like cheese....”

[Marcus: “You need some protein”]

Maxwell: “Hey, what’s that supposed to mean”

Marcus: “Okay cheese it is but I’m getting you to eat protein at some point

I’ll be right back okay?”

Maxwell: “Course”

Marcus: “I’ll just be in the kitchen if you need me”

Maxwell: “Got it”

[lavenderlattaes]

loving you. | park jimin

⇒ summary/plot: It’s been three years since you left that night, three years since you last saw him and three years since you last spoke to each other. And on that very day that your heart decides to start missing him again, you see him smiling and laughing with a girl that is most definitely not you.

⇒ [ post-breakup! au ]

⇒ pairing: park jimin x reader

⇒ word count: 3.5k words

⇒ genre: fluff, angst

⇒ warnings: swear words

note: hellooo! im a weird person that likes angst then wants a happy ending sksks. Parts that are italicized are flashbacks! Ignore mistakes bc im a bit of a blind bat and enjoy!    ＼ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ／ ♡

[

Loving You   ❝I saw him the other day. His arms around another girl, his eyes when met with mine—were slow in their recognition.

I wonder if he remembers what I once told him.

I will love you forever.

He had smiled at me sadly before giving his reply.

But I am so afraid you may one day stop.

Now all these years later, I am the one who is afraid. Because I love him, I still do. I haven’t stopped. I don’t think I can. I don’t think I ever will. ❞   -Lang Leav   ]

You stare up at your ceiling, your thoughts drifting to him at half past 2 in the morning. Even then, he’s always been on your mind. You don’t think there was ever a time when he wasn’t filling up your thoughts. His name was Park Jimin and he was your first, and most likely last love.

You saw him yesterday, that’s what was keeping you up at night.

He had his arms around another girl, someone new, someone else who was making him smile, someone else who was kissing him, loving him, someone else who wasn’t you.

You remember every single detail of your short encounter yesterday.

You were leaving the café you both used to go to, Jimin’s favorite drink in your hand. You were particularly missing him that very day, when Namjoon decided to post a photo of you with them on Twitter. You had just crossed the street when you looked up and saw him walking with a girl in tow. You stopped in your tracks, not knowing what to do. Jimin was looking down at his phone but he looked up just when you were about to turn the other way and pretend you didn’t see him. He stopped walking too, and the girl he was with looked at him, confused.

“Chim? What’s wrong?” She asked, and her eyes followed Jimin’s until they landed on you.

Chim. You used to call him that too. He especially loved it when you called him that instead of Jimin. You gripped on the cup a bit tighter as you both look at each other. Your heart broke when Jimin broke eye contact slowly and looked at his girl.

He flashed her a sweet smile, the smile that used to make you all giggly inside. “It’s nothing, love. She just looks a bit familiar.” Jimin replied and laced his fingers with hers as they started walking again.

“In what way?” You heard her ask as they brushed past you, Jimin’s shoulder bumping with yours had caused you to close your eyes and let a few tears fall.

“She looks like an old friend.” Jimin replied and when you turned around to look at them for one last time, you locked eyes with Jimin again, a swirling mess of emotions swimming in his eyes. You looked down, your vision slightly blurred due to the tears filling up in your eyes.

“I, Y/L/N Y/N promise to love you, Park Jimin, today, tomorrow, and until the day we are forced to be apart. I will love you forever, and that will never change. Nothing will ever change my love for you and that’s the only promise I know for sure I will keep until I breathe my last.” You look up at the beautiful, precious man smiling down at you, his arms around your waist pulling you even closer.

“But what if you stop loving me? I’m scared of that,” he whispers, his tone teasing but because you knew him so well, you could hear the fear he’s trying to hide from you.

You cup his face in your hands, stand on your tiptoes and press a soft, gentle kiss to his lips. He smiles and kisses you back ever so gently, before you break apart for air. You caress his soft cheeks, causing him to giggle, his eyes disappearing from smiling so much. “That won’t ever happen, baby. And I promise you that.”

You’ve never broken that promise. You haven’t, and you won’t ever will. A soft ding from your bedside breaks you from your train of thoughts and you wipe the few stray tears that you didn’t realize were falling before turning over to grab your phone.

You squint, your eyes slowly adjusting to the brightness of your phone screen even though it was already at its lowest. You sit up once you read that it’s a text from Hoseok. You were closest to him and he was the one that introduced you to the boys, and of course, Jimin.

Hobi [2:43 am]: hey, how are you doing? It’s been a while.

You [2:43 am]: hey, hob. I’m okay, I guess. Why’d you text me at this hour? You should be getting some rest.

Hobi [2:44 am]: jimin told us he saw you yesterday, are you really okay?

You scoff at his text, but you also can’t help the tears from falling, a few of it dropping onto your phone. He told them he saw you, but he told his girlfriend that you just ‘looked like an old friend’? It would’ve been better if he hadn’t said anything to the boys. Your phone rings and you look down to see that Hoseok was already calling you. You clear your throat and wipe your tears away as you answer the call.

“Hey, you didn’t have to call you know,” You greet, pressing the phone to your ear.

“I know, but you left me on read and didn’t reply immediately. Also, I’m tired of typing so calling you would be easier.” Hoseok replies and you chuckle. You definitely missed him.

“So, will you tell me how you’re really feeling?” Hoseok says after a short moment of silence and you bite your lip.

“I saw Jimin, he saw me. I saw him with his arms wrapped around another girl, and he saw me with a cup of his favorite drink although I doubt he knows that it was his favorite drink that I had ordered because on that damn day, I was missing him so fucking much but I doubt that he also knows that I miss him.” You reply, the words spilling out of your mouth as fast as the tears slipped down your cheeks.

You can hear Hobi sighing on the other end you allow yourself to let your best friend know that you’ve been crying.

“Oh, Y/N. I wish I could be there to hold you, I’m so sorry.” He apologizes, and you shake your head but then remember he can’t see you.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, Hobi. It’s my fault that all of this is happening, it’s okay.” You reply shakily.

“I’m supposed to protect you, remember? I’m supposed to kick Jimin’s ass for hurting you like this, because that’s what I promised you. I’m supposed to turn your frowns upside down and I’m supposed to be your sunshine. Overall, I failed at being your best friend. I resign from my post, Y/N.” Hoseok says, his voice sounding defeated, but it manages to make you giggle. You can almost see him pouting, folding his arms in front of him like a little child.

“You’re being overdramatic, Jung Hoseok. You’re the best best friend anyone could ever ask for and I’m not allowing you to ‘resign from your post’, okay?” You smile softly, putting emphasis on your words.

“Okay, okay, if you say so, Y/N.” Hobi replies, laughing, and you nod your head at that. You both enjoy the few short moments of silence before you break it with a question you’ve been dying to ask ever since.

“Hobi? How is he doing? Is he eating enough? Is he getting enough rest?” You hear Hobi sigh on the other end and you know that he knows what your words truly mean. You may not have said them out loud but the words you’re trying to get across are all the same. I still love him. I still love him even though it’s been three years since we broke up.

“He’s doing okay, Y/N. Yes, and I suppose so. He’s hardly around these days, he sleeps over at his girlfriend’s house.” It pains Hoseok to tell you the truth because it will hurt you a lot, but he also knows it would hurt you more if he tried to keep the truth from you.

Hoseok’s words pierce through your heart but there’s nothing you can do about it anyway. Jimin chose someone else to love, now. He chose to stop loving you and you can’t ever blame him for wanting to find happiness, even if that happiness meant you would be out of the picture.

You’ll continue to love him anyway because you know deep down your love for him won’t ever stop.

After a few more exchange of words between you and Hoseok, you hang up with him ending the call saying, “you should try seeing new people”, while you replied with “I will,” even though you know you won’t ever do that.

You place your phone back on your bedside table and your eyes land on your polaroids with Jimin strung across the wall. You valued your polaroid film so much, so you only took photos with it when the occasion was really special and significant. Your eyes scan the photos and you see the photo you took with him when you both confessed your feelings for the other, which was over six years ago. Your eyes then land on the polaroid of when you both went out for your first date. There were so many significant moments in your relationship with Jimin that it was making you cry.

You knew that there was no one else for you but Jimin, and you know that people will surely laugh at you for that and say that you’re only saying that because you’re young, and naïve when it comes to love.

If there’s one thing you’re certain of, it’s that you will love Jimin forever, even if he loves someone else. Even if it hurts you, even if it kills you, as dramatic as that may be, Park Jimin will be the only man you’ll ever love.

There’s a knock on your door and you look up from the book you were reading to look at the door. You couldn’t sleep after Hoseok called a few hours ago, so you opted for three mugs of coffee and a nice hot shower to help you relax a bit.

You weren’t expecting anyone today, so you only stare at the door, thinking that the amount of caffeine you drank was beginning to play tricks on your hearing, although it doesn’t seem possible. Another series of knocks come, and you jump up, realizing that you weren’t hearing things and there really was someone at your door.

You make your way to the door slowly, wracking your brain for any possible reason for the knocking on your door. Maybe you ordered something online and forgot about it? Maybe an old friend decided to send you mail? Maybe your neighbors needed something from you?

Your fingers twist the doorknob and you open the door. “Hey, what’s—” you stop short once you look up at the person standing outside your door.

Jimin.

He’s looking at you with an unreadable expression and if you didn’t know him any better, you wouldn’t notice the way his lips trembled slightly. But you did, and that was enough to make your heart race.

“Jimin—”

“Y/N—”

You both speak at the same time and if it weren’t for the tension in the air you both would’ve been laughing. You look away from him and bite on your lower lip as Jimin looks up and licks his lips.

“Can… can we talk?” Jimin asks quietly, and your eyes lock on his eyes again. And you’re surprised because you can see the pain and desperation in his eyes which weren’t there before. You nod gently and open the door wider for him. He takes his shoes off and he’s surprised to see that his slippers are still there. He puts them on anyway, and you close the door behind him. Just as you’re about to walk to the kitchen to fix something for the both of you, his warm hand latches onto your wrist, halting your actions.

Your breath hitches in your throat and you remember that night from three years ago like it was only yesterday.

“Don’t put this all on me, Y/N! You knew what you were getting into when you dated me!” Jimin shouts.

“Don’t remind me about that, Jimin! I know about that, I don’t need you to nag me about that because I know, I know, I know!” You shout back and Jimin sighs and runs a hand through his hair, frustrated.

“Then why are you complaining? Why are you being so selfish about all of this, you know how much my work means to me!” Jimin asks angrily and you glare at him.

“Is it too much to ask for my boyfriend to come home to me every once in a while? You’re hardly home these days, Jimin. I’m always worried about you!” You shout. You haven’t called him Chim the whole night and that was a bad thing. You always called him Chim and the fact that you kept on calling him Jimin was already a forewarning.

“I’m not having this conversation with you, Y/N. If you’re always worried about me then stop worrying about me!” Jimin shouts and that causes your heart to shatter. Would you ever stop worrying about him? You know you won’t, but his words hurt, and you’re hurt.

“Maybe I will then!” You shout, and brush past him, immediately regretting the words from ever leaving your lips. Jimin seems to think the same thing too, because his hand latches onto your wrist, stopping you.

“Wait, Y/N, no. Please, don’t go. I didn’t mean it, please, baby.” Jimin cries out and the tears fall down your cheeks like a waterfall. You want nothing more than to turn around, forget everything and run into his arms but you were hurt, and your pride was getting in the way.

“Jimin, let me go.” You manage to choke out, but Jimin wasn’t having it. He pulls you back and you crash into his arms, as he wraps his arms tightly around your waist. You’re both crying, and you know you won’t last much longer if you stay for another minute wrapped in his familiar embrace. You reluctantly remove his arms around you, your tears dropping onto his arms.

“No, please don’t leave me, baby. I’m sorry.” Jimin pleads, holding onto your hand as you step away from him. He holds onto it like his life depended on it, kissing it repeatedly. You shake your head and you fight the urge to turn back around because you know you’ll break.

“Let me go, Jimin.” You shake your hand off and he lets go of it reluctantly as you open the door and walk out the door, Jimin pleading after you. You hear him collapse to the floor as you close the door shut behind you.

“I love you, Y/N. And I’m sorry.”

Those were Jimin’s last words to you and that was the last time you ever saw him again.

“Y/N.” You turn around and Jimin’s eyes widen when he sees the tears streaming down your cheeks. He pulls you into his embrace and you break down completely. He wraps his arms tightly around you and you wrap your arms around his waist.

“Jimin, I-I’m so, so sorry. I shouldn’t have said all those things, I shouldn’t have left the way I did, I shouldn’t have hurt you at all,” You cry into his shirt, your tears soaking his black shirt and your voice coming out in shaky sobs.

He shushes you, rubbing his arms up and down your back as his own tears fall down and drop onto your hair. “I’m so sorry, too, Y/N. I should’ve fought for you, I shouldn’t have let you go like that.” He replies, and you hug him tighter.

You both stay in that position, Jimin whispering words of comfort in your ear as he rocks the both of you back and forth. You close your eyes, breathing in his familiar scent as you bury your head deeper in his chest.

After a few more minutes you pull away and wipe the tears from your eyes, a sigh leaving your lips. You look up at Jimin and see him looking at you already.

“What is it?” You ask and Jimin steps forward and tucks a stray strand of hair behind your ear. Your cheeks heat up at his actions and you look down.

“I broke up with her yesterday.” Jimin whispers causing you to look up at him.

A newfound hope fills you and you clear your throat. “Chim?” You whisper softly, and you can see the effect it has on Jimin when you call him that, because he reaches out to hold your hand in his, intertwining your fingers together.

“Yeah?” He breathes out and you breathe shakily. “Do you remember what I told you all those years ago?” You ask, and he just looks into your eyes, not sure about what you meant.

“I, Y/L/N Y/N promise to love you, Park Jimin, today, tomorrow, and until the day we are forced to be apart. I will love you forever, and that will never change. Nothing will ever change my love for you and that’s the only promise I know for sure I will keep until I breathe my last.” You repeat your words from five years ago, your eyes not leaving Jimin’s.

Jimin’s eyes widen, remembering the exact moment; it was his favorite memory with you and also the scariest. It was on your one-year anniversary.

“But what if you stop loving me? I’m scared of that,” Jimin repeats his words and marvels in the beautiful smile that makes its way onto your face because he remembers.

“That won’t ever happen, baby. And I promise you that.” You reply, and you let go of his hand to cup his cheeks as he smiles at you as well.

“I’ve kept my promise, Chim. I always have.” You whisper softly, and that’s all it takes for Jimin to dip down and press his lips to yours in a longing kiss. Jimin wraps his arms around your waist, pressing you closer to him and you stand on your tiptoes. You run your hands through his hair and you smile because you missed the way his soft hair felt in your hands. His hands rub on your sides gently causing you to giggle and break from the kiss.

“Chim! It tickles,” You tell him, and he smiles so brightly, his eyes start to disappear like always. He pulls you closer because you stepped back slightly, and you smile at him being clingy again. You missed it so much. He kisses your forehead and you close your eyes, smiling.

“I know, I just missed hearing your laugh. It’s my favorite thing ever.” He says, and he rubs his nose against yours lovingly as you bite on your bottom lip.

“Really? So you don’t like my kisses?” You tease, stepping away from him and he whines, pulling you back to crash his lips to yours again. You smile into the kiss and pull away right after kissing back, Jimin’s pout making an appearance at your actions. You giggle, and smile at him as he smiles back. He steps closer to you and you stay rooted in your spot, watching his every move.

“I love everything about you, Y/N.” Jimin states and his words make your heart melt into a puddle. He holds your hands up to his face and kisses each one of your fingers, and he kisses your knuckles as well. Your face heats up at his actions, even though Jimin has always been like this— romantic. Skinship was a constant between you two but it’s been so long since Jimin has held you like this, it was like falling in love with him all over again.

“And I love everything about you too, Jimin.” You reply and step into his arms. He buries his face in your neck and starts leaving little kisses there. You giggle as you wrap your arms around him, kissing the top of his head.

“I missed you so much, Y/L/N Y/N,” Jimin sighs happily and you hug him tighter.

“I missed you too, Park Jimin. So much.” You reply and close your eyes, a smile on your lips.

I love him, I still do. I haven’t stopped. I don’t think I can. I don’t think I ever will.

⇒ let me know what you think or hmu with anything under the sun here!

[willyoushareyoursoulwithme]

i didn’t realize how much better i’ve gotten since may until i scrolled back in my google drive to february and saw a piece i wrote called ‘not selfish enough.’ i want to share it bc i feel like its a pretty important piece showing how much i’ve progressed in just a few months, but please be aware that it has several suicidal themes and images, bc, at the time, i was suicidal.

February/March 2017

She stares ahead, seeing the road but unable to focus on it.  A song plays over the car’s speakers, one that she would usually sing along with.  But today her lips remain still.  The skin is dry and cracking from the harsh, cold air coming from the air conditioning vents pointed at her face.

She can’t even muster up the energy to turn the air down.

When she gets home, she takes the keys out of the ignition and picks up her backpack before walking into the house, mind racing with all the assignments she has to complete by the end of the week and how much she does not want to do them. She really just wants to sleep.

If she lived alone that’s exactly what she would do. Listen to the Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack as she showers and then collapses on the bed to sleep for thirteen hours.

Is that considered a depression sleep? She doesn’t know.

But instead she has to write a speech for her communications class tomorrow. She needs to get at least a C on this speech to pass the class. A C is what she recieved on her last speech, and with this one she has even less of an idea of where to start. Then there’s English, a ten page paper that needs to be edited extensively, and PE notes to memorize.  It isn’t a lot of schoolwork, but even this small amount is overwhelming to her.

She goes to bathe several hours later, at least half of her work still unfinished. Her father, brother, and sisters lie asleep in their beds as she quietly showers.  She looks at the razor hanging from the rack.

She wonders if she’ll ever use it.

But this time, she turns away and grabs the bottle of shampoo instead.

That night she dreams a horrible dream, and wakes at four am wracked with guilt for an act she did not commit.  

That morning her mind reminds her she isn’t worthy of breakfast. She eats a muffin anyways.

On the drive to school she remembers again how easy it would be to turn the steering wheel and crash. She continues straight ahead.

At lunch she struggles to eat a sandwich.

That afternoon she feels awful for eating a piece of chocolate.

That night she stares at the razor longer than any night before.

She finally falls asleep after three hours of silent crying and reminders that she isn’t good enough. She screwed up. She is a screw up. She isn’t worthy of the title of Christian, she doesn’t even know if she believes in God.

Of course she believes in God.  But even demons believe in God. They believe in God and tremble. She believes in God and doesn’t know what comes after that.

No one would love her if they knew. Nobody should love her, she isn’t worth it.

Each day she falls a little farther. She stares at the razor more often, one time she even picked it up.

She stares at the small portion of food and wonders if she should put it away.

She scratches at her wrist, but that’s as far as it goes.

She draws lines on her thighs with a Sharpie, but nothing more.

Because she knows that if she takes the blade and even just places it against her wrist, it will dig in. And then it won’t leave.

She knows that if she skips even one meal it will become a competition to see how little she can eat and how long she can go between nourishment.

If she takes even one more step towards the hole, she will fall in, and she will never come out.

And she isn’t selfish enough to do that.

And then we move ahead to July. I was better, but still sad. Mostly i just slept a lot.

July 2017

She’s a bit better now. Not as overwhelmed, not as sad. She doesn’t have breakdowns as often, but they loom over the horizon. School starts back in about a month.

Her summer job is unbearable, the girl she keeps every day is exhausting. Adyson manipulates and cries and breaks down every time something doesn’t go the way she wants. She cries because the babysitter wants to teach her how to cook pizza instead of just cooking the pizza herself. She spouts off hateful things, such as how others are better sitters, how this one makes her want to die, how she wishes she could run away, and how she doesn’t have a mother.

She tries to blame the last one on the babysitter somehow.

Every night she comes home exhausted from keeping Ady. She stays for ten hours to watch over someone else’s child and honestly does not get paid enough for this crap.

She wishes she had time to write, to film, edit, draw, create. She wishes there were more hours to the day so that she could sleep long enough to feel rested when she wakes. She wishes that she didn’t feel slighted anytime she went to help at the theatre. She wishes people treated her the same way she treats them.

She thinks about the kids she has to instruct over the course of the next two weeks and how she has to pull aside Callie and Victoria to tell them to include their “friend.” She had to move Noel from a group where she knew no one to a group where people know her, but act like they don’t.

She’s certain one of the Ashworth girls is going to have a breakdown at camp. Maybe two of them. Maybe all three.

She hopes this new medicine she’s supposed to get makes her less tired so she can keep up with the kids. She wishes caffeine worked on her like it did everyone else.

And even though this kid is driving her absolutely insane, she has managed to find a bright spot. She edited a video, and it is going to be shown at church.

And while darkness looms over the horizon, brightness does too.

And relapse snippets:

“I’m proud of you.”

Why?

------

Four hours sleep, one coffee, nearly ten hours of relapses.

--------

Relapse. Relapse. Red skin. Marks.

Nothing physically permanent. Everything mentally permanent.

And then . . . nothing. I started school, and saw a counselor. She suggested that instead of things like this, I list the things i’m thankful for. She says that recovery from depression is hard, because you’re literally training your mind to think differently. You’re creating new nueropathways. But I tried. 

Most of the items on the list are my friends, and different activites that we had planned. But here are the three things that stood out to me the most.

im good enough

The promise of future plans

that God loves me

And I think those sum it up the best.

[heroheart]

im stressing and i look up to you a lot so i was just wondering: do you have any final exam tips? mine start on monday im dying

hey pal! first of all, good luck!!!! they’ll soon be over!!!! you’re at the last hurdle!!! just think about how free and relieved you’ll feel when you’ve finished!!! i have the worst revision habits but things i’ve found that have worked in the past… and it’s long but i really DO hope it’s helpful! if you need any help whatsoever, feel free to message again or IM me!

    the number 1 rule: 

                                        STAY. OFF. TUMBLR.

on the night before your actual exams, i find it’s always really important to have a decent night’s sleep. and truuuuust me i know the toss-up between ‘i don’t know enough so i can’t go to sleep right now’ and 'i need to rest so i can actually understand what i’m doing in the morning’. BUT i’ve always found (especially recently) if i don’t get a good 7 hours sleep before an exam, even reading the questions becomes harder (my last exam was a horror show to begin with because i didn’t understand the questions when i first read them. i was like what the fuck does that even mean… and that was after 4 hours sleep. i actually had to think about what it was even asking me, let alone whether i knew what i was talking about.). you may have studied for longer, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll remember it, because learning is about consolidation as well, and giving your brain enough rest and SLEEP is really important for that. so! get seven hours at least please my lil cherub you need it. also remember to set alarms and discipline yourself enough to actually get up for them because!!!! remember you get so much time off afterwards so!!!

a hard™ part for me is always 'okay, i could study… or i could watch tv… or do this… or do something else…’ and you just need to remember that exams aren’t forever!!! you're so close to being done and afterwards, you can do all those things you said you wanted to do. SO sideline learning a new language or learning how to draw or catching up on that one tv show you really like, because afterwards, you have all the time in the world.

if you live by yourself, when you’re cooking, cook enough for 2+ meals. this means the next day, you don’t have to cook a meal from scratch and you can just micro it and it’s quick and easy and means mealtimes don’t have to take up like an entire hour’s chunk of time. (either that, or live off something easy for a while. i lived off omelettes, toast, cereal and fruit in my last week before my exams recently. you can make all of these eaaaasily and quickly. brain food is also important so!! don’t live off junk… hard, but try and get some nutrition.) i also did this for drinks and stuff. i drink a lot of tea (brit af 🇬🇧) and to stop me from making so many cups every like hour i’d just use a thermos and make like 3 at once fskjfsdh. also keeps it warm. HOWEVER, don’t study on an empty stomach because all you’ll think about is food lmao!!!!

if your exams are coming up soon, i wouldn’t recommend changing your revision/studying style. i also don’t recommend writing down schedules and making rotas even though the thought is great! really helpful! having an idea of what you want to get accomplished in the day makes it so much easier to complete because then you feel good at the end of it all, so that i do recommend. but writing it down and making a schedule takes up so much time (for me, anyway.) so if you do want a physical reminder of what you want to get done that day, i’d suggest making a to-do list. for example, mine was like '2x virology lectures, 1x drug transport’, not explicitly write ‘i’d spend an hour on this, then do that,’ etc.

you can’t study every hour of the day! you need to relax and chill for a bit! if all you’re doing is studying, i’d suggest getting up early, regimenting breaks into your schedule, and then you can finish a little earlier too. for example, i stick to working hours as much as possible. eat cereal, start at 9, break at 11 for 15 mins, lunch at 1, then work 2-5. then, depending on how close to exams i get, i take a break then, and then go back to it. then dinner, then back to it. ideally, i try not working beyond 9/10pm because by then i’m exhausted and saturated with information which needs to be consolidated (sleep!). however, to do this, avoid caffeine!!!!! wherever possible, anyway!! i try not drinking caffeine after around 4pm usually so i can literally sleep whenever lmao. this is the ideal! 

i’ve been taught that if you find yourself getting tired and it’s a reasonable time to go to sleep, go to sleep and set your alarm to wake up an hour earlier in the morning, because you’ll be WAY more productive in the morning after a sleep. i’ve been taught that you get twice the amount done if you do that instead of trying to power through it late at night. ALSO DON’T NAP!!! i know!! studying is soooo fucking dull and painfully tiring and that temptation’s always there but pls don’t you won’t sleep and it’ll put you off kilter!!

i tend to wake up early on the morning of exams. recently, i was waking up at 6 for 11 or 12o'clock exams. this let me do the last minute bits, maybe an hour of actual writing and drawing and attempting to learn, and the rest of that time was spent re-reading old notes that i’d made before it. don’t freak out! i know the 'i know nothing’ feeling before an exam, and i know how it feels to go into that exam hall thinking you don’t know anything, but buddy… your brain’s an amazing thing. seriously, it’s cool as shit. you’ll find that even if you think you don’t know something, it’ll come back to you. you know more than you think you know!!!!! even if you didn’t study it, if you were listening when it was first taught, i find certain words act as cues and if you remember where you were for when you were taught it, it comes back for me sometimes!!!this being said, don’t fret if you don’t know things. no one’s asking you to get 100% on your exams!! a lot of the time, they make it so you can’t… because they’re arrogant and too proud to admit that someone knows the entire syllabus. (that’s what they did for us. my first lecture was one of my lecturers standing in front of the entire year and saying 'no one’s ever scored 100% on our exams before so don’t expect it’.) it’s okay not to know everything!! schools, unis, whatever you’re studying for – they know what they’re doing. they pile an insane amount of stuff onto you and it’s stressful! exams are stressful! it’s true!!! no one’s asking you to score perfectly.what i’m also saying with this point is don’t over-saturate your brain the morning of the exam. think about it. your exam’s in two hours. all the REAL time you’ve had to get to grips with the information has gone. this is why i read over notes before the exam – because if i go back and start trying to learn something i don’t already know, i panic. at least reading notes feels productive and it’ll stay in your short-term memory. repetition is really good for moving chunks of information into different memory stores, and re-reading notes is that kind of thing.

don’t just try and learn things verbatim. you have to understand what you’re talking about, instead of just regurgitating facts. i can’t tell you how many times i was googling stuff like ‘define osteomalacia’ and simple science terms that i forgot and needed to know in order to understand what’s going on. it’s all about building blocks. remembering the basis means you can remember the more elevated stuff! this also gives it more meaning and we remember more things if they mean more to us. this is also why just making lists and writing things out doesn’t work.be creative! get colourful! studying is one of the only excuses i have to whip out my colouring pens so you bet your ass i colour that red blood cell in or whatever. go nuts, kids.

as unfortunate as this one sounds, it’s… important. do not attempt to listen to music at the same time. it doesn’t work. especially if you’re looking at complex stuff that you don’t quite understand yet. don’t try it. it subverts your concentration and makes everything SO much harder. (if you do need to listen to music because it’s too loud around you, i’d suggest instrumental music on a very low volume just to tune out other noises. music itself is a controlled noise so it can be helpful, but only at low volumes. i find that when i listen to music, i have it on like 1 or 2 on my phone’s volume and after the first couple of songs, i zone out and forget about it anyway.) silence is ideal! try and put yourself in a situation where you can get it!

another point to make is that we use contextual cues in order to remember things. unfortunately, this means staying out of bed. get up, sit at your desk, or a table, and work from there. it works so much better and you’re in a more work-related environment. your memory relies on contextual cues so if you study at a table, and you sit the exam at a table, there’s the possibility that you’ll remember more.

YOUR PHONE IS YOUR ENEMY. and so is tumblr, facebook, insta, twitter, or whatever else you use. STAY AWAY FROM THEM. they are the DEVIL and the biggest killers of productivity. turn your phone off, or hide it away from your desk, or at the very least, turn it upside down and put don’t disturb on. discipline yourself with your laptop so you won’t go on these sites. it’s really important, because you’ll lose your focus and forget where you were and then you won’t be able to get back into it as easily. if you’re on a roll, stay on a roll!!

                     most importantly, don’t panic!!!!!! easier said than done, i know. and i know how it feels to stress and i know how it affects everything, but it’s really important. just take a minute. breathe. then get back to it. good luck, friend!!!

edit: one last point to make is that self-care is really important. take time to shower. you'll feel better. get into comfy clothes. you'll feel better. you are allowed to take time for yourself.

[iphisquandary]

i forgot to tell everyone but i had my first day of substitute teaching on friday and this is what happened

i bought new shoes for more support the day before but they wound up making my feet hurt that day more bc they didn’t fit right so i didnt wear them to subbing and wound up wearing tennis shoes - no one cared tho

i got two hours of sleep the night b4 due to nerves

i woke up at 6 AM

it was raining and i had no umbrella so i had to take an uber there

when i got there the teacher’s instructions were confusing AF and there were tons of piles of handouts everywhere and i had no idea what to do

on the verge of panicking i sought help from the sub supervisor lady in the office and she was super helpful

the rally i was looking forward to was cancelled

i messed up a bit in period 1 with the handouts + schedule but the students were actually helpful and stuff about it so it went ok

the subsequent periods went a lot easier bc it was all the same class

the kids were really well behaved? independent workers? 

i was also able to sit most of the time bc i just had to pass out handouts and they spent the whole class writing a short essay based on a prompt - i was worried about that bc of my disabilities + foot issues

there was a student teacher who showed up out of the blue and who i was immediately charmed by as he turned on the healthcare debates and had super good rapport with his students until...

he revealed himself to be a republican lol

i felt super awkward too bc i had no idea this guy was coming in and sat there awkwardly for a period not knowing what to do lmao

and i was really stressed watching these congressmen wrangle about my health insurance and republicans straight up LIE

made the mistake of leaving campus on my break to go get an umbrella and a chai latte for caffeine which resulted in me getting rained on and spilling chai on my coat and getting stressed out

left. the fucking. classroom. door. unlocked. came. back. to. discover. students. had let. themselves in. for fucking. lunch break.

didn’t say shit to those students bc the last thing i needed was to piss them off and get in trouble if they ratted on me so i just like...sat at the teacher’s desk trying not to panic or feel like i was shit at my job

i managed to calm myself down realizing legit nothing of value is in that classroom anyway - like there r only office supplies and books in there

that was like the low to the day, everything ran pretty smoothly after that

when i told coworkers (NEVER THE STUDENTS LMAO) that it was my first day  ever subbing they were all like “OMG WOW??” and would be all “this is this sub’s first day!” in this proud/awed/pleased voice lmao

students would randomly come in to deliver shit to me and it was so confusing. at one point i may have ruined a student’s life by failing to deliver him a message on a slip of paper that said it was his last chance to register for classes or else he won’t get to choose but i didn’t realize that was the message until the end of the day bc it was on scrap paper + the other side of the paper looked like a msg for the teacher

i tried to be a fun teacher and connect with students toward the end bc the student teacher told me period five were friendly and i felt more confident and stuff but they were just awkward and non-responsive when i tried to engage with them about the prompt like “this is easy last yr stuff we dont need ur help” like ok then

took that less personally when i realized everyone was prolly just bummed the rally was canceled

there were two trouble makers in the last class of the day and i warned them i would write their names down if they kept up their brattiness and they kept up their brattiness so i wrote down their names lol i was kind of amused by them though + it was the only behavioral issue 

ran into one of the students i tutor after school in the hallway he was so fucking SHOCKED to see me there like he was staring at me like i was a fucking GHOST i tried to make this joke about it but it went over his head bc he was so shocked lmao it’s like dude im not like an npc who only exists in the tutoring center lmao anyway that was entertaining. 

the teacher’s lounge was. depressingly. awful. like furniture with holes and stuffing coming out. crumbs and residue left on the table. like trump saying the word “SAD” kind of sad. i vowed immediately that if i ever come into any kind of major extra money i would donate it to this school to buy better furniture for their teachers

i forgot how icky public school bathrooms are. and like how the mirrors are these scuffed up funhouse mirrors and the sinks only let you wet one hand at a time as you hold down the button with your other hand

kept getting lost in that labrinthine school and literally had to get a map. chalked this up to my ineptitude with navigation until i talked to my coworkers at my other job who were familiar w/the school and said they always got lost too (i guess that’s why they have maps in the office lol)

i had to go to work afterward and was super tired but that went ok

OVERALL: I think it went well! I want to keep subbing! I think it will get easier the more I do it, and I feel lucky I got that school as my first job bc those students were really well-behaved. I’m a bit nervous about getting a less well-behaved group in the future, though. I also wish I had gotten some of my students in the classes, but oh well. I felt more like a supervisor than anything else bc I really just had to sit there while people wrote and passed in their essays, so it was pretty easy once I got used to it.