#anyway she totally did the same in the darkest nightmare right?

[missmolsa]

Nothing to see here, just a movie star and a newscaster hanging out and participating in legal activities.

Og illustration after the cut:

[maximoffcarter]

Binded - Part 2.

Pairings: Wanda x reader

TW: DARK, VIOLENCE, BLOOD, +18, MANIPULATION, ETC.

Words: 11.3K

Summary: Nightmares and dream were now haunting y/n's mind, but Wanda being by her side seemed to make everything better. That was until things started to change, y/n was not the same and slowly, Wanda noticed her mistake. Even with the close relationship they had now created, things still didn't seem to go okay, Wanda keeping her secret and y/n falling for it, would it come to an end?

A/n: Second and last part of this lovely collab. We proud of our baby, right @theperfectlovestory ?Gotta admit, this is the darkest fic I have ever done and I- am so proud of it. We hope you guys enjoy it, and give it aaaaall the love you want; comment, reblog, like it, interact with it! Thank you so much for reading the first part, it meant so much to us.

**: Flashback.

Part 1.

It had been about three weeks since your nightmares had started, every now and then, they’d ease and you’d have nice dreams, which was unexpected since the nightmares had been constant. Wanda was always there, holding you and calming you down while you cried in her arms. You had opted to move into her room since the bed was bigger, but even then, you always clung to Wanda.

Wanda had tried to keep it as cool as possible, for a moment forgetting what her true purpose was of studying the darkhold, now completely focused on you. Not that she was complaining anyway, she felt…happy. You had become so close to her that she was also becoming dependent on you, something she did not expect.

The whole thing with the darkhold had made a sudden turn, now changing both your and Wanda’s life, maybe it seemed like it was for good, or maybe it wasn’t…

“Wanda?” You asked as you sat in bed looking at the door. The night had been calm after Wanda had held you throughout the whole night, and you had a nice dream…with her specifically.

You weren’t ready to talk about it, you were scared of what Wanda could think of those dreams. It was enough with having her taking care of you day and night and having to stick with her at every living moment. You were afraid as to what this could mean for your friendship.

Weirdly, you felt safer, but it was also confusing as to what was happening with your mind. All those nightmares, all those dreams with Wanda, they were getting into your head, and they were making you feel…safe but also…afraid. Since then, you hadn’t been able to really use your powers, any gardening was made manually with no powers involved, that only took you to a place you didn’t want to be in but at the same time you can’t remove gardening totally in your life, it was there before everything…and it just feels wrong that it won’t be here for you now.

In fact, you fear the time it will leave you.

“Y/n?”

You looked up at Wanda who was smiling at you, a plate, and a cup of tea in both her hands. She walked to the bed and carefully handed you the plate while she held the cup.

“How did you sleep, detka?” Wanda smiled at you as you looked at the plate that now lay on your lap.

“I- I slept okay.” You nodded softly.

Wanda ran her fingers through your hair with her free hand. “No bad dreams?”

You looked at her and smiled. “No. Not today.”

“I did a good job protecting you then.” Wanda grinned.

“You always do, Wanda.” You whispered softly even if you knew she’d hear you. Wanda only stared at you for a moment as you started eating, trying to hide the redness that now invaded her face.

“I thought we could go for a walk later.” Wanda raised her brows.

“That’d be nice. I could use some fresh air.” You smiled as you turned to Wanda and furrowed your brows. “You’re not eating?”

“I was going to take some from your plate,” Wanda smirked as she grabbed a piece of bacon.

“Fair enough. But the tea is mine.” You took it from her hands and took a sip, sighing happily at the taste. “My favorite.”

“Always.” Wanda offered a soft smile as she stared at you.

. . .

As you two walked around the woods, you normally always had your arms extended, feeling the grass, the flowers, the trees that surrounded you, but this time, your arms were around your abdomen, as if you were trying to protect yourself from something. Wanda noticed this and turned to look at you for a moment, she furrowed her brows as she noticed how off you suddenly felt.

Was this her fault? It’s been days since that one dream, and even if you had been scared of the other nightmares…that one had been the worst for you. Wanda stopped you for a moment, making you look up at her with curiosity.

“Is everything okay?” You asked as you looked at Wanda.

“I think I should be the one asking that.” Wanda tilted her head. “Are you okay?”

You sighed softly as you looked down at your feet. “I just- my head is hurting.” You shook your head and looked back up at her. “And this place-”

“Y/n.” Wanda placed her hands on your cheeks and stroked them softly. “Nothing is going to happen. No one can hurt us here.”

Of course not. The competition is gone.

Wanda offered a small smile, ignoring the voice in her mind. “I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere.”

You stared at her for a moment, noticing how the sun kissed her face just perfectly, something you had dreamed before, and something you had wanted to do for a while now…your heart stopped for a moment at the thought, knowing that if your thoughts were too loud, Wanda could hear you.

So, you only offered a small smile, and without thinking twice, your hand grabbed one of her hands, and your lips laid on her palm for a few seconds, looking back at her afterward. “I know.” You whispered softly as Wanda smiled.

Wanda felt weird when you had kissed her palm but had said nothing as you two kept walking, now holding hands and walking closer than ever. That gesture reminded her of Vision for a few seconds; he used to do that every now and then, but the truth was- that he hadn’t been the first one to do it.

**

Wanda had just gone back from a mission, both Steve and Natasha had tried to stay quiet the whole way back, but Wanda knew what they were thinking, she knew what she had done wrong. She tried to hold back tears as she looked down at her hands, feeling ashamed of her powers.

You had seen Wanda almost running towards her room, you had been sitting in the living room reading a book, but a door had taken your mind off the book and just when you looked up, you noticed Wanda, Steve, and Natasha. You furrowed your brows as you stared at them, Natasha noticing this and only shaking her head.

You then stood up and left the book on the couch, walking down the hallway and trying to find Wanda. When you realize her room is empty and haven’t been open since she left for the mission, you went straight to the balcony, knowing perfectly that she liked to be there. The moment you walked outside, you found Wanda crying, her weak and broken form before you making your heart shatter.

“Wanda?”

Wanda sniffled and turned back to look at you. “I- I’m…I’m fine. I just-”

“You don’t have to tell me anything.” You walked to her and wrapped your arms around her, Wanda broke down in tears as you held her.

“I still can’t control my powers. It’s like- I know what to do b-but they act on their own sometimes and I- I just want to h-help.” Wanda sobbed as she buried her face on the crook of your neck.

“We know that Wands. We truly do.”

“The look Nat and Steve had- they are disappointed. I know it.”

“Hey.” You pulled away just enough to look at her as you offered a small smile. “We know. I know. I’ve seen you, Wanda. And you have done so well. We are not perfect.”

Wanda looked up at you as she sniffled. “Really? Because the people in there…they-they seemed scared of me.” Her voice broke as she spoke.

You felt your heart stopping for a moment, having heard those words before. “Well…I’m not.” You carefully grabbed one of her hands and smiled. “You would never hurt me, right?”

Wanda shook her head. “I- no.”

“And I know that. I trust you.” You kissed her hand softly and placed it against your cheek for a moment and leaned into it. “We are in this together. Just like I know Nat and Steve trust you, and they are on your side too.” You again took her hand and kissed the inside of it.

Wanda smiled at this, her cheeks burning as she stared at you. “I trust you.” She whispered softly as she bit her lip.

Wanda looked down at your hands and smiled a little at the memory. For a moment, her heart broke as she looked up at you, knowing what she was doing to get this, but also knowing that if she stopped now, she would lose you, and she couldn’t let that happen.

You groaned softly at the sudden pounding in your head, your hand going up to your forehead. Wanda then stopped you and placed her hand on your cheek, offering a smile.

“Why don’t we go back so I can make some tea for you? And then we could lay down for a bit.”

You smiled as you nodded. “Sounds good.”

Wanda’s smile disappeared as she worried about the headache. It wasn’t the first time that happened, and she was sure this had to do with what she was doing. Even if she didn’t know nature the way you did, she knew everything felt different, the woods felt different…you felt different. Was this her fault?

. . .

Wanda can’t count how many times she dreamt of this moment. She doesn’t remember how many times her heart felt like thorny vines were crushing it, watching you lay your head on Natasha’s lap as she runs her hand gently on your beautiful locks, the smile you shoot at her in response to Natasha’s way of loving.

Now, it’s her in Natasha’s place, it’s her hand entangled in your silky smooth hair, it’s her receiving the smile she only used to dream about. She can’t even put it into words how magical this moment is to her.

See what a little persuasion can do?

Wanda ignored the voice. She’s been blocking it off since that nightmare that sent you off to millions of emotions. She knew then it was a mistake, she was afraid she broke you. She’s still walking on eggshells around you. Wanda tries to ignore it, trying to convince herself that she finally has what she wanted, she’s no longer alone, you look at her like she’s the most precious person to you.

It’s what she wanted…right?

But what about you?

Wanda will always find you beautiful, nothing will change that, but she can’t deny that you look…terrible. The bags under your eye grow darker every night, even on the days that you didn’t have a nightmare. Your smooth complexion feels dry on her skin, you look dehydrated even if she takes care of you well. Your body grows thinner by the day even if she stuffs you with food every hour.

It’s like…you were dying in her arms. Like the plants she tried so hard to keep alive.

Wanda frowned, she’s never been good at taking care of plants. She tried many times, wanting to impress you, make you happy. But in the end, it all became a disappointment to her. She’ll do research, ask florists, buy different products to help the plant but even with all the effort, she’ll wake up one day and it’s…dead. She never gets to show you anything, even though she did all she can.

Worry filled her…there’s no more denying that what she did will scar you forever. She already hurt you just to get you, but what if it becomes much more than that? What if she’s not prepared for the consequences of her action.

She hasn't mastered the darkhold yet and she already gambled with it. She signed a contract with the devil, but what exactly did she agree to in exchange for your attention?

Cold hands pressed on her cheeks woke her up from her slowly darkening thoughts. You peered at her worriedly, it made Wanda want to laugh. It’s not her that needs worrying, but she’s afraid you haven’t looked at yourself in the mirror since that nightmare, afraid to see what’s behind you.

Wanda pressed her hands on yours and showed you a smile.

“Are you really okay?” you asked her, and she chuckled.

“Yes, detka. I’m just thinking about…you,” she whispered, her hand left yours and she gently ran it across your cheeks, searching your eyes for the Y/n she knew.

“Me? But I’m right here.” You giggled but Wanda’s concern made you frown “Is there something wrong with me?” Wanda didn’t speak, she pulled you into her lap and you gasped.

This is the most intimate position you did with Wanda. Your breath fan on each other’s face, the smell of strawberry and vanilla fills your senses. Her warmth spread on every touching skin.

You are melting in her arms, in her gentle touches.

“Detka, you know I’m always here for you, right?” She muttered and you nodded, hesitant. You’re confused…scared to where this conversation is headed but the way her palm runs down your spine soothes you “You trust me to protect you, always?”

“I do,” you whispered.

“Then why are you so afraid to use your powers?” She asked and you stiffened.

Wanda.

“I-...I’m not afraid to use it.” you deny, looking away.

Wanda held your hand in front of you, mud is still stuck under your nails. Scratches here and there from where you dug into a rock and didn’t stop fast enough.

“When was the last time you needed to use gardening materials to plant?”

Wanda, stop.

“Wanda, please” you sighed, lowering your head into her shoulder “I don’t want to talk about it”

“Y/n, you’re losing touch of your powers.” Wanda’s tone was almost pleading “I can protect you, you don’t need to be afraid of it.”

“It’s not that” you clenched your jaw, you were starting to lose patience and—this damn headache won’t leave you alone.

You can feel it pounding on your head, it’s making you feel dizzy, unfocused. The more you try to contain your power, the more it gets worst but—

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

Wanda, you really need to stop.

Wanda’s getting more anxious, she doesn’t want to lose you and your powers are a part of you. You encouraged her to embrace herself before, she wanted to give back the same favor.

She pulled you away from her so she could see your face. She wanted to read your mind badly. There's really nothing stopping her, she's been doing something that’s more wicked, something that's slowly breaking you but she's still in battle with herself. She wants to do the good thing, to respect you.

But you were guarded, and it reminds her of Natasha and Wanda felt a bit crazy because of that.

She doesn't know when it started, doesn't know when it stopped, doesn't know when she picked it up again, but it's back. That feeling is back, the possessiveness that makes her feel insane.

She wanted to know everything about you more than anyone in your life, she wants you all for herself and she’s doing things that make her stomach curl to do just that, and yet— remnants of Natasha still lingers in you.

Wanda pressed your forehead in hers, her eyes closed, she almost looks like she was pleading you to open up, but you can feel it. It’s faint but you can feel her in the deepest parts of your mind.

When you realized what she was doing, you gasped, you pushed her off of you harshly, stumbling on your feet as you angrily glared at her.

"Wanda- what the fuck—!"

Wanda stared at you with wide eyes. “I- I’m sorry, I didn’t-”

“I didn’t give you permission to do that, why would you fucking do that?” You breathed heavily as you walked away from the bed.

Wanda furrowed her brows as she stood up and shook her head. “I told you I was worried. I’m sorry if I looked into your mind, but I- I wanted to see if I could help.”

“I don’t even know what’s going on in my mind, Wanda! I’m confused I’m-” you ran your hands through your hair as you laughed darkly. “I don’t know what you expect me to say if I don’t even fucking know!”

“I don’t expect you to tell me. I’m. worried. I just want to help.” Wanda was getting upset at the way you were talking to her, and you could notice, her accent was present.

“I don’t want help. I just-” you sighed, your hands once again surrounding yourself, you grow smaller the more the conversation goes. “I don’t know what’s happening, Wanda. And I can’t- you can’t make me talk.”

“I don-”

“And you can’t go through my mind, Wanda. Y-You can’t fucking do that.”

“I’ve- I’ve done-” Wanda shook her head. “I thought you trusted me.”

“Oh my god, Wanda, I do I just- you can’t do that!”

“I do this so we can fix this. So you can be okay.”

“I never asked for help! I never told you to help me! What if I’m okay and you’re just overreacting? Wanda, you- you need to let me breathe, you can’t fix everything!” You laughed darkly again as you felt tears in your eyes, looking back at Wanda.

Wanda tilted her head. “Overreacting? So…me caring is overreacting? It’s only you and me…” she shrugged. “You can’t expect me to not worry.”

“Is it though? Only you and me?”

Wanda stared at you for what felt like a long time. “I guess it’s not.”

You then realized what you had said and tried to walk close to Wanda. “Wanda, I-”

“I know I can’t fix things, y/n.” Wanda looked away. “I perfectly know that. Because last time I tried to fix it, I hurt people.” She then looked back at you. “But I thought I could help you.”

“You do. Wan-”

“I’m going out.” Wanda grabbed her jacket and put her shoes on.

“It’ll be dark soon, you shouldn-”

“As if you cared.” Wanda simply said before she stormed off the room, leaving you there staring at the small hallway.

You didn’t know what just happened, you were confused as to why you were so mad at her when she had done it before. You had let her in before, and this time…she just cared. You grasp on your hair, the stupid headache just won’t…leave you alone. Why can’t all the bad things just leave you alone, why can’t you just have a simple fucking good day since…

Shaking your head, you sighed and went back to bed, feeling a sharp pain in your chest. Tonight, only your side of the bed will bring you heat, the other side will only give you the cold reminder that no one will stay forever.

. . .

You moved around the bed as you groaned, your breathing becoming heavy as you shook your head. It was happening again, that nightmare was back. You screamed as you sat on the bed and looked around, your forehead all sweaty and your heart breathing faster than ever. You placed your hand on your chest as you tried to calm down, but you couldn’t help but feel terrified.

“W-Wanda…” You turned to wake up Wanda, but her side of the bed was empty.

It was then when your mind took you back to a few hours ago; you had argued, and Wanda left the room. That was hours ago.

You stood up and had to hold on to the wall for support. You felt dizzy, your head was still throbbing, you felt hot all over but still, you walked slowly to the living room, calling for her name but noticing that all the lights were off. You then went back to the room and looked out the window, but no luck since it was even darker outside.

You sobbed softly as you looked around the room. “Wanda.” Your voice broke as you looked at the door, tears rolling down your cheeks as your lip trembled. “No-”

You went ahead and laid down on the bed, grabbing Wanda’s pillow and crying, clinging to it, wishing it was Wanda. How could you have pushed her away like that? You needed her and she wasn’t anywhere to be found, and this was all on you.

“Wanda!” You cried out as you buried your face on the pillow. “Please…come back.” You whispered into the pillow, hoping that somehow Wanda could hear you. But you knew she wouldn’t. She had left.

. . .

Wanda entered deep in the woods, stopping at a clearing far from the cabin. It was dark but the moonlight helped her navigate the area. She sat on a rock, trying to control her breathing. She’s regretting leaving you now, she shouldn’t have. She made a mistake, you were right to be angry, so she doesn’t understand the rage she’s feeling inside her at all.

You’re being reckless.

Wanda’s jaw clenched “You’re butting in too much. I don’t need you right now.” The voice laughed.

You will always need me.

“No! All you do is hurt y/n! She doesn’t deserve this. She’s losing herself!” Wanda frustratedly ran her hands on her face.

Do you still want that woman?

Wanda’s hands fall to her sides, her breathing heavy with all the overwhelming emotions. Her memory flashed to your expression earlier. Anger, betrayal…it’s not what she wanted.

“Not like this…” She whispered.

This is the only way you can have her. Let me show you.

Red mist covered her surroundings, an image forming in the wall of the mist. It got clearer and clearer every second until she saw a clear image of you standing with a solemn expression. You raised your head as if someone called you and a smile formed on your face, Wanda came into the picture, and you gave her a wave.

Wanda felt happy that she could turn your mood up like that, she remembered that day. It was when you first failed your mission. You were pretty sad about it even though there was really no casualty. But it was the first time you were in charge, you felt ashamed.

She was confused for a second, she didn't understand what’s the use of showing this to her, it was a happy memory…but suddenly, you look away from Wanda and run to the arms of the person who called you.

The figure said a few words of encouragement and comfort and suddenly, the sadness in your eyes left. Your smile is brighter than any of the ones you gave her, and Wanda’s heart felt crushed, broken. Tears easily fall from her eyes ‘Did this really happen?’

“This is all I amount to compared to Natasha?” she breathed, a smile full of pain made its way on her lips. “I can’t even be more of a comfort than an assassin who knew nothing about love before she met y/n.”

You can always be more.

“How?” She sniffed, her voice devoid of any hope.

Use me, embrace me.

The red mist glows and Wanda’s eyes return to the image. It’s a new scene, one where Natasha didn’t exist, one where Wanda stood in her place. Where it’s her waist you have your arm wrapped around, looking up at her with the same smile. In a world where Wanda can freely run her fingers across your jaw and rest her thumbs on your chin.

A world where she can lean in and close the gaps in between your lips.

Wanda’s eyes returned to their original color and the red mist faded. She felt exhausted, conflicted but she knows what her heart desired, even when it’s starting to show its true color at the tips of her fingers.

. . .

You woke up in the morning feeling cold. Wanda still hasn’t come back, you miss her warmth immensely. It’s only been a few weeks, but you feel like you can’t live properly without her anymore. There’s a painful longing in your heart as you move around the house to do your morning routine. You stopped halfway through and decided to heat up some water for tea.

You were staring at it dazedly when it started whistling. In a panic, you touched the metal part and immediately felt the burning sensation in your fingers. You hissed in pain but thankfully, you didn’t drop the kettle and make a bigger mess.

Wanda wouldn’t want you burning her house down while she’s out…it’s not a good scenario either. You were reminded of the painful dream last night and you decided to just take your blanket and wait outside in front of the door for Wanda.

Your mind goes back repeatedly to your conversation last night. You didn’t even know why you asked that. There’s obviously just the two of you together now…right?

It’s ridiculous to think otherwise.

But why is your memory so foggy? You have a faint feeling that you were trying to figure out something before…there’s a heavy feeling in your chest. You can remember hearing a conversation…but whenever you try hard to remember, your head feels like it’s going to break in half.

You wanted so bad to trust your instincts, you knew something was up. Even your powers feel heavy now…but this is Wanda we’re talking about. She would never do anything to harm you. You trust her with your life, she only ever had good intentions.

Even if she’s hiding something, would it really matter? She’s all that you have now.

. . .

Wanda made her way back to the cabin, the sun was barely out, and she was honestly tired. After a whole night of walking and trying to get her thoughts in order. What was she doing? She had come this far to now walk away from this. But this also didn’t mean she didn’t care about you, because she did, she cared, so much, but she knew that if she told you the truth, you would hate her. She couldn’t handle that. She couldn’t lose someone else.

Wanda sighed as she looked up, defeated and ready to probably argue with you again, but she then stopped as she noticed you were sitting on the grass. But what caught her attention the most was how the grass that surrounded you was not green anymore, and that…glow she always saw on you…it seemed like it was almost gone.

“Y/n?” Wanda asked softly.

You shot your head up and a sad smile appeared on your lips, dry streaks of tears still on your cheeks, you stood up as fast as you could and ran to her. “Wanda!” You wrapped your arms around her and buried your face against her neck. “I-I thought you had left me.”

Wanda furrowed her brows as she pulled away enough to look at you. “What? Y/n, I won’t ever do that.” She placed her hands on your cheeks and wiped away your tears.

“But you did, you were gone all night…and I…I needed you” You sobbed “I didn’t mean anything. I trust you. And I need you. Don’t leave me again.” You rested your forehead against hers, holding onto her waists tighter as you tried to push your body further in hers.

Wanda closed her eyes for a moment as she shook her head. “I’m not leaving.” She looked at you and noticed your puffy red eyes, feeling guilty for taking away your glow. “I’ll always be here.” She kissed your nose and you chuckled sadly.

“I l-” you looked at her for a moment but decided to swallow back your words, your eyes darting down to her lips for a moment but going up to her eyes again, smiling sadly. “Thank you.” She whispered softly.

Wanda smiled as she wrapped you into another hug. Your actions hadn’t gone unnoticed, but she didn’t want to just jump into it and make you feel uncomfortable. The time for that would come. She closed her eyes for a moment as she felt tears in her eyes. What had she done?

You need her. We need her. Don’t go soft.

. . .

It was already dark when Wanda woke up. She almost panicked when she didn't feel you by her side knowing she slept with you tucked safely and comfortably in her embrace but when she heard movement outside the cabin, she let out a sigh of relief knowing you're safe and entertaining yourself.

She stood up from the bed and did her routine in the bathroom before checking up on you. A smile spread on her lips when she saw what you've been happily busy about.

Just a few steps besides the house, you managed to set up a small campfire, you added two logs around it and a small wooden table with drinks and snacks. There's also marshmallows, where you get that is beyond her knowledge.

She walked closer to you, her sandals scrunching the grass beneath her. You turned around and gave her a cheery smile. Wanda's heart leaped and her stomach felt warm, it's the brightest smile you showed her since she brought you here.

Finally, appreciating my work?

Wanda sighed, annoyed by the voice but she gave you a big smile in return "Whatcha got there?" She asked and you excitedly answered her.

"Well, I was thinking that maybe a change of pace will help us...so I prepared something so we can just relax. I'm sure you'll stay up all night anyway." you gestured to the other log in front of yours, inviting her to sit but she settled at your side, seeking your warmth and scent.

She happily hummed her contentment when she leaned her head on your shoulder. Silence filled the air except for the consistent cracking of the wood from the fire and the singing of insects surrounding you. Wanda finds the moment so peaceful, watching the stars above and the clouds go by with your arm around her waist to steady her.

This moment feels like a dream to her.

Being careful to not move around too much, you took the stick from the table and a couple of marshmallows. Wanda saw what you were doing so she moved away a bit to give you more space to work, you sent her a smile before facing the fire again and watching the marshmallow cook carefully.

“My mom and I used to go camping a lot” You muttered and Wanda’s back straightened, you never talked about your family before, “She said it was to take a break from work, but she always schedule it after I had my big test, I knew she just wanted to give me the time to breathe after getting too stressed.”

A warm smile made its way into your lips, Wanda remembers that smile. She’s always wearing it whenever she is with her parents, and then when she saw her kids for the first time, and when they start talking, and then when they took their first steps.

It was the type of love only a family can bring you.

“What do you do on your camping trips?” She asked, careful not to break your moment.

You turn your head upwards as if trying to remember the fondest memories you have with her “Well, her favorite has always been stargazing. It’s our tradition to watch falling stars.” you chuckled, your eyes bright with the recollection of the memory “There was one time, it’s my earliest memory of our stargazing. I was so young then, she woke me up in the middle of the night and I followed her out of the tent, but I just stood there, with my head facing upwards but my eyes were closed because I was so sleepy.”

A giggle left Wanda’s lips and yours too, but she didn’t miss the single tear that dropped on your cheeks, she didn’t mention anything though as you quickly wiped it away.

“What happened next?”

“Well, my mother saw me, and she laughed, then sent me inside to go back to sleep. Promising that she’ll wake me up again next time when I tried to argue.”

Wanda lowered her head to the marshmallow that was slowly turning brown. She didn’t know what to feel. Her heart felt warm, it felt tight, she was happy to know this memory of yours, she was thankful you trust her enough to share it.

She remembers all the time when the team would ask around about their past and you were never the one to share about your family but open about everything else. This was the first time she saw this soft side of you.

But at the same time, she doesn’t feel like she deserves this trust at all, so her fingers lingered just a bit above yours. She felt like she didn’t deserve to touch you in this moment of purity.

And yet, warm hands enclosed in her cold ones.

She looked at you, but you were focused on blowing the tip of the marshmallow that caught on fire. It’s light framing your face so perfectly she gasped. She didn’t think that real life can even be more magical than dreams and yet here you are, proving everything she ever knew to be wrong.

You turned to her and offered the marshmallow after blowing it to the right temperature. Wanda smiled and slowly leaned into it, taking a small bite, and laughing when the rest of the marshmallow won’t snap. You pulled the stick away, but it only got longer, and you started laughing as well before using your fingers to help her.

You wrapped the sticky mallows in your finger and when you got almost all of it, you stuck it in your mouth. Wanda swallowed as she watched you suck on your finger, your lips wrapped perfectly, and you released it with a small pop.

You grin at Wanda, and she giggled, a small part of the marshmallow stuck at the side of your lips. She leaned in and pressed her thumb on the corner of your lips, wiping it off. When she raised her eyes only then did she notice the proximity of your faces and she was mesmerized. The color of your eyes sparkling under the moonlight and the light of the fire.

“You’re…breathtaking,” she whispered unknowingly, and a blush spread across your cheeks.

“Thank you, but I think you’re looking at your reflection.” Wanda giggled, the action made you look at her lips, far too long than appropriate, and then back to her eyes. “Can I kiss you?” you asked, and Wanda pressed her forehead against yours.

“I thought you’d never ask.” with a smile, you pressed your lips on hers and it felt like fireworks exploding inside you, everything smelled fresh, every touch felt right and for a moment everything felt perfectly in place.

You have what you want now, because of me. Don't forget that.

. . .

After that night, both of you had become closer, showing love to each other in many ways, something both of you had been needing and wanting to feel. The dreams had gone away ever since, something that you had found weird since they had been very constant, but you had decided that those nightmares and dreams had gone away because now you were living your dream, and Wanda was protecting you from those nightmares.

Wanda had noticed the sudden change in you, feeling calm since she had noticed part of that light in your eyes was back. But something that still made her worry, was the fact that you still didn’t use your powers at all. All the color around you starts to fade and she’s sure you notice it, but you remain quiet, you pretend as if nothing has changed, but she knows, she can sense it, she can see it…

Wanda has taken the time to get some time for herself and read any books where she could find a new spell, she needed to find a way to get the full light back on you. She felt bad for saying it, but she missed the old y/n, she missed the old funny person you were, and it wasn’t fully gone, she knew that. But also, she missed how happy your powers made you, your relationship with nature, the love you had for every single plant, flower, tree, all of it.

She had left the door slightly open, knowing that you were outside and in your own mind, so you wouldn’t come inside any time soon. She went through every page, but nothing seemed to be right.

You know exactly what to do.

Wanda looked up and felt her heart stopping as she remembered.

“No. I can’t.”

It’s your only choice, we can control her, fully. She can be that person again.

“What I did to Agatha…s-she deserved it. But I can’t…I can’t do that to y/n.”

We need to do it. And you’ll have her fully. She’ll be all yours.

Wanda smiled as her eyes watered. “All mine…” she whispered softly. “...mine.”

“Wanda?”

Wanda turned to the door and heard you close the front door, she wiped away her face and put the book back in its place. She turned in the right moment when you walked into the room, smiling at her.

“Hey there. What are you doing?” You asked as you walked to her.

“I was just- cleaning up a little.” Wanda smiled and bit her lip as you wrapped your arms around her waist and pulled her closer, making her wrap her arms around your neck. “What were you doing?”

“Just sitting outside.” You kissed her nose. “I missed you.”

“I’m right here, y/n/n.” Wanda chuckled. “Why don’t we lay down?”

“I like the idea. I’m tired.” You moved your hands down her thighs and picked her up, making Wanda laugh and rapidly wrap her legs around your waist. You walked over to the bed and carefully put her down, you laughed along with her and got on top of her. “You’re kinda heavy, you know?”

“I don’t recall telling you to carry me, you decided it yourself.” Wanda chuckled as she looked up at you.

“Just wanted to hear that laugh.” You smiled down at her before leaning down to kiss her lips softly.

The kiss started off as sweet, Wanda running her hands through your hair and her legs once again, wrapped around your waist to pull you down. Suddenly, the kiss became heated and both of you were getting into it as you run your hands down Wanda’s side.

Wanda broke the kiss when the air became necessary, but you kissed her chin and down her neck. “I-I thought you were- you were tired.”

“Not to be with you.” You whispered teasingly as you looked up at her and smirked. “Are you tired?”

Wanda saw the lust in your eyes, making her stomach turn as she swallowed. “No.”

“Good then.” You licked her lips before you leaned down to kiss her again. “What do you want me to do?” You whispered against her lips as your hands moved lower and lower.

Wanda chuckled darkly, wrapping her arms around your waist, and turning you guys over so she could be now on top. “Why don’t we start with you…behaving?” Wanda kissed you passionately, making you moan and pulling her closer.

You swallowed harshly at the sudden change in her accent; it always had an effect on you. You couldn’t remember the last time you felt so turned on, but you wanted her, you needed her. It was like something was pulling you to her. Wanda bit your lip a little too harshly, making your lip bleed a little and you hissed, but as you pulled away and saw the look in her eyes, you didn’t care what else she was willing to do with you, you were hers.

Wanda pressed her thumb on the bloody spot and dragged it down your chin, to your jaw, and to your neck, her hand stayed there and pressed you down before she leaned down and licked you clean. The action made you gasp, a different coil in your stomach formed. It was a sensation you’d never felt before and you wanted—no, you needed more of it.

“I need you.” You swallowed nervously, looking up at her.

Wanda smirked. “Now, now…why so shy, detka? Weren’t you the one who started this?” She moved down to kiss your neck.

“I- yes.” You breathed heavily. “I want you to fuck me.”

“What was that? I can’t hear you?” She looked up at you with a raised brow and a playful smirk.

“I. want you. to fuck me. now.” You demanded as you tried to pull her down.

Wanda laughed at this and sat on your lap, moving her hips painfully slow. “So demanding.” Her hand moved up your stomach, her nails digging an obvious line of red between your breasts until it was wrapped around your neck, making you gasp. “I remind you…” She suddenly pulled you to make you sit up, her hand still wrapped around your neck and tightening her grip. “I am in charge here. You’ll do as I say.” She smirked as her eyes got darker. “Understood?”

“Yes.”

. . .

You didn’t want to get off of her tight hold, but you felt like you needed to do something to ease her worries. Lately, it felt wrong to be away from her, you knew she was worried about you, and you were also worried about her. You cared so much about her. You…you loved her.

If she’s going crazy and even going through great lengths of breaking your boundaries that she promised she would never do, then it must really be important for her, and you want to do everything to make her happy. You realized that when you thought you lost her, you realized that Wanda is the most important person to you.

You gently untangle her arms on you and cover her with the blanket. You hesitated to give her a kiss on her forehead, you did so anyway. It made your heart pump with excitement, it was your little secret.

There's something intimate and domestic in giving secret goodbye kisses.

You went to your room and took one of the sweaters Wanda gave you and left the house. Your feet bare and feel the mixture of grass and mud beneath you. Your jaw clenched at the sharp feeling in the sole of your foot. You look at it and a small cut slowly seeps out blood.

Since…that dream, you were already experiencing small changes in your body, especially your powers. You don’t feel as in tune with it as you did before. You thought it was just because of your lack of sleep, you weren’t in great condition. but the more you ignore it, the more it becomes apparent to you.

You’re quickly losing control of it.

You head straight to the boulder you sit on to meditate, your steps leaving a trail of dead grass. You climbed and sat on top of it, legs crossed with your hands on top of your legs.

And when your eyes open, everything is all black.

. . .

The first time you were here, you can feel that you weren’t really alone. There was this feeling of being watched, it didn’t feel like a threat, it wasn’t hostile, but it was there, waiting to be found.

Now as you take steps after steps, it’s watching you again but this time, you don’t feel welcome. There’s a heavy feeling in the air, and the ones ‘watching’ you felt like hungry predators, waiting for the right time to attack you and rip your throat.

You take more steps forward, following the ominous trail in the air, and soon, you were face to face with the same flower before. Your heart tugged and a smile pressed on your lips. It was the familiarity you were looking for.

With trembling hands, you started to reach for it but before you could even hold it, a barrier stopped you from advancing any further. Confused, you push on the barrier and red waves of static run through the length of it.

Your brows furrowed. It wasn’t supposed to be there, you were able to easily access your powers before. You tried pushing on it more with both palms and it bent a bit, it feels like it’s trying to suck you in, and you had to let go, a bit nervous about what would happen if it did.

You tried to calm yourself down, trying to think clearly, make plans. That’s what she taught you…

Wait…she?

Your mouth opened in a gasp, your eyes widened, and your breathing quickened. Did you just forget Natasha for a second? You shook your head, laughing quietly at the ridiculousness of it.

“That’s impossible…” you said to yourself, the nightmares may scare you a bit from her but forgetting her is impossible, after all, nightmares are just nightmares.

You pressed on the barrier again, trying to forget what just happened and focus on the task at hand. The same red static runs through the whole area of the barrier. It covers as much as you can see in this dark, like a wall that stops you from getting to the other side. Pushing further and your fingers started to go through it, you didn’t feel anything, so you pressed forward until your whole arm went in before you felt a hard force push you from behind.

The barrier sucked you in hard and you felt your whole world rotating. You slumped on the floor with a gasp looking back to the barrier and you saw a dark figure that waved at you before vanishing into a red mist.

You get a weird feeling of familiarity from that figure, but it disappeared immediately.

Shaking your head, you stood up and steadied yourself. You looked around and it felt like you were transported in a different realm. It’s still dark, but you were in a forest…no, Forest snags. Dead trees and logs, the ground is dark and oily. Beetles, flies, and maggots littered the area. As you walked further, dead snails, heads cut off from snakes, decomposing animal bodies in every corner of the forest.

Your heart clenched in pain, your connection to nature makes you want to weep for it. Tears threatened to spill any moment, but you pushed forward, this is not how this place should look. If you can find the flower…maybe you can help it.

Soon, you were able to see the lake but as you got closer, the stench of death filled the air making you stop and lean on a tree as you hurled your guts out. The smell is so strong your eyes water and you can’t stop emptying your stomach on the oily ground.

You’ve experienced being in a room full of dead bodies and bloody floors before, but nothing compares to the stink of this dead body of water.

Wiping your lips, you take a deep breath through your mouth, trying to calm down your system before pushing forward. You can feel the ominous aura across the lake, and you have a feeling you’ll find what you’re looking for there.

You walked along the lake path, watching the dark murky water for any signs of…anything, living, dead…but it remained still and even if you felt like you already walked for hours, it was still going.

Tired of feeling like you’re walking in circles, you slowly began to understand that you needed to walk through it. You took a stick from the ground and started poking the water to see how deep it goes. It was only two feet more or less as far as you can reach.

For one last attempt to not touch it, you tried to feel for your powers inside your body, flicking your wrist but nothing came up as you expected. This place doesn’t let you use your powers.

With a lot of hesitation, you started to step on it, and immediately, your feet started to disappear on its dark surface. You tried to ignore the feeling of weeds brushing on your legs and tried your hardest not to inhale too much of the smell.

You were feeling pretty confident, already making it halfway when suddenly, a sudden rush of movements made waves in the water. You started to run but it was like your body is suddenly too heavy to move, like a bad nightmare where you can’t feel your legs.

It wrapped around your legs and pulled you down fast and rough.

You tried flailing your arm to swim away, the lake suddenly felt and looked deeper as it devoured your body. You failed your limbs, trying to swim upward and kick down the thing wrapping around your legs but to no avail.

You lack oxygen now, your body is too tired to do anything anymore and your vision starts to blur. The dirty liquid fills your lungs when your mouth opens to gasp for air that doesn’t exist.

As your eyes closed, you thought of Wanda and how your time with her was too short. You wanted to show her how much you love her for a longer time if it was possible. You wanted to touch her more, to show how much you care, to see her smile one more time.

And then you saw her crying, you saw the time she was cradling Pietro’s body. Crying as she made that mistake in Lagos, where she had to kill Vision for the stone and then you saw her, sitting on the dead grass with you in her hand, just staring off in nothingness, her last reason to stay alive, dead in her arms.

You didn’t want to see her suffer more. She doesn’t deserve it.

A bursting feeling of energy filled your body and suddenly you were hurdling out of the water. The thing restricting you disappeared, and you landed in fours safely into an open grassy area.

You cough up the water you inhaled and dropped to the floor. Turning yourself on your back and seeing a large tree in the middle of the lake. Red mist covered it for a second before it disappeared in a blink of an eye.

You didn’t know if you hallucinated it as you tried to get oxygen back into your brain, but it really doesn’t matter because as you look back, you found what you were looking for. The single spider mum glowing around a green field of rounded grass. The only living plant in this forest.

This time, you approach it cautiously. The first time you were careless, it sent electricity across your body, the second, it sent you to a dead forest. You don’t think you can handle another tantrum from your own powers today.

Exhausted, you kneeled in front of it. A small smile on your lips as it reminded you of the first time you saw it, the feeling of it, the warmth of your powers. You closed your eyes, trying to remember what went right then and what went wrong now.

A face flashed in your eyes, it was clear as day to you. Your grief of Natasha’s death was slowly corrupting you and when the dreams started and you were becoming terrified of her, it started to taint your soul.

But now, you tried to channel your love for Wanda as you did with your love for Natasha. If it needs something pure to grow, then Wanda is the purest of them all.

Opening your eyes, you reached for the flower and as your finger touched the single petal, it started to turn purple. You gasped and pulled on your hand, but the decaying won’t stop until it completely turns black.

“No, no, no!” you panicked, your eyes looking all around you to try and see what can help but a scream of pain made its way out of your throat.

Your eyes filled with tears as the pain in your head started to come back much stronger than before. You gasped for air, thorny vines ran their course around your body and wrapped themselves around your throat, crushing your windpipe. You couldn't speak, couldn’t scream for help, couldn’t think.

You held your throat and looked up, blood poured from your eyes, nose, mouth, and ears.

Your hand slowly fell to your sides, a familiar voice rang in your head, and everything turned dark once more.

Welcome to the dark side, моя любовь.

. . .

Wanda woke up with a start, her hand immediately going to her chest as she heaved in the air. Her naked body coated in a thin coat of sweat, she felt like she ran a marathon with how exhausted she felt. Her pores are raised in a way that makes her feel something is wrong.

She looked at your side of the bed and panicked when she didn’t see you. Taking the blanket with her, she picked up some of her clothes on the floor and hurried out of the room looking for you. She called and called but didn’t hear any response.

When she saw the door slightly ajar, she hurried out of the house and followed your trail of dead grass. Her heart pounded in her chest, her pupils blown and unblinking, she couldn't shake the feeling of nervousness. She wanted to believe you’re okay, but the creepy feeling of the forest made her run to you.

She memorized the path to the boulder you always meditate on by heart, but she stopped in her tracks, her steps faltered, and she felt like her heart dropped to the floor.

A large area of the forest…dead and in the middle is you, kneeling on the boulder with your head looking up. You were wet with dirty mud from head to toe, your hair slick of oil that slowly dripped on the boulder. Thorny vines pushed on your skin and breaking them held you in place.

But what horrified Wanda the most is the blank look in your eyes and the slow tilt of your head as you looked at her with an expression that made Wanda’s body grow cold.

“What…happened to you..” Wanda’s voice trembled as she approached you.

You shrugged, your eyes watered as you looked around. “I don’t…” you sighed. “...what happened…to me.” You laughed darkly. “What really…happened…to me?” You shook your head as you turned to look at Wanda. “You really don’t know?”

Wanda swallowed as she slowly walked closer to you. “Y/n…I think you had another nightmare.”

You start to stand, the vines creak under every movement, piercing your skin and drawing blood but it feels like your body went numb at some point. You can’t even feel it trying to constrict your body to hold you down

“Did I? Cause…you would know about those… wouldn’t you?” You shrugged. “You started off with that. Giving them their worst fears.”

“I think we should go inside, detka. It’s cold and-”

“Stop it.” You looked up at her. “I…felt…everything, Wanda.” You looked down at yourself. “Look at me!” You looked up at her again as you shook your head. “It was all in my mind but I-” you sobbed. “I felt everything! I lived all of it! And I didn’t…I didn’t understand what was going on with me, I didn’t understand why I was feeling so…tired, so…terrified. And look at me!”

“Y/n…I need you to calm down. I can help you.” Wanda whispered softly.

“Help me?! You’re the one who's ruining me! It was your voice in my head!”

Wanda suddenly felt something hit her from behind, making her fall to the floor, she turned as she groaned and noticed there were roots behind her, she breathed heavily, turning back to look at you and noticed a black glow around your hands. Wanda furrowed her brows.

“What did you do?” Wanda whispered softly.

Things might have gotten a bit out of hand.

“You know, don’t you, Wanda? What’s happening to me. You know it. You’ve been lying to me this whole time!” You raised your hand and roots appeared under Wanda, but she teletransported behind you, her eyes now glowing red.

“Stop this, Y/n. This is not you.”

You laughed darkly. “It is now,”

More roots surrounded Wanda, she didn’t want to fight you, that was clear, but if she had to, she would do it. If only to save you…

Wanda groaned as she twisted her wrist and her Scarlet Witch self-appeared, her eyes turning red as a red glow surrounded her. You stopped for a moment, and you felt anger washing over your body.

“It’s you- you have been doing this!” You screamed out of anger and more roots surrounded both of you, the grass now turned completely black, the whole atmosphere was pure darkness. Wanda tried to attack back, each time, the roots grew bigger and thicker.

“All of this…” the roots kept breaking and more appeared as a black glow surrounded your whole body. “…I did all of this for you! You deserved better! And now you want to go against me?!” Wanda knelt on the floor and all the roots suddenly disappeared.

You breathed heavily as you looked at her. “You…did this for you. You ruined me.”

Wanda looked up at you and tilted her head. “Did I? Because all I see is you growing with your power.”

“You think this is growing?! You filled me with darkness!”

“I wanted to protect you from everyone else!”

“You wanted me to be part of your fucking image! You wanted to control me!” You twisted your wrist and roots appeared around you. “You told me you would protect me. I thought- I thought you loved me.” You shook your head. “You are selfish, Wanda Maximoff. You’re cruel. All of this as you say- you do it for yourself.”

Wanda stood up as she walked over to you. “You wouldn’t understand. You could never understand. I love you, and this is why I’m doing what I’m doing.”

“So turning Natasha against me is the way?” You raised your brow as you tilted your head. “Hurting me…is it your way?”

Wanda stopped and her eyes went back to normal. “I thought-“ A moment of weakness. Suddenly roots appeared around Wanda, forming a trap. Her legs tightly wrapped together until her thighs, making Wanda kneel down, her arms to her side, she tried to tug it free, but it only tightened its grip on her, the thorns piercing her skin and blood seeped out of its crevices.

You stopped when you suddenly noticed what you had done, now having Wanda powerless. You smirked as you walked slowly to her

“You thought I had forgotten her, didn’t you? You thought…you had done it. But all I’ve done for the past months…it’s something you created in me. It’s something you have controlled.” You shook your head. “My heart hurts to see you like this” your head tilted to the side with a look of pity, but it didn’t reach your eyes “But I don’t even know if it’s real, I don’t even know if I truly love you.”

Wanda shook her head. “You do. You love me. You’re mine.”

“I am not! All you ever did was ruin me,” Your eyes turned back to normal for a moment as you looked down at Wanda. “I don’t know who I am.”

Wanda looked up at you, her eyes back to normal. “You…are Y/n Y/l/n. All I have ever wanted was for you to be safe. I wanted…I wanted you to see that we could be together. That we are meant to be.”

“I was meant to be with Natasha! I deserved her because I was good! Her touch brought me life, it brought me the power to create life!” you sobbed, tears falling from your eyes, but you shook it off, covering it with a laugh “Why would you hurt me? You promised you wouldn’t do it. I trusted you. I believed you.” Your hand turned into a fist and the dark glow appeared around you again “Look around you, Wanda! Everything is dead because of me!”

Wanda flicked her wrist and the vine loosen a bit, she dared to grab your hand, tightening her grip on you as you tried to push her. “I’m so sorry! I could never hurt you intentionally. I am still me. I just…I need help, y/n/n.” She sobbed.

“And why would you involve me in this?! I’m hurting, Wanda! I was just trying to grieve like you were and now— I’m- I don’t know who I am anymore!” You sobbed as you looked away. “I can’t-”

“They never accepted us, y/n. Don’t you understand it?” Wanda laughed. “They never trusted us.”

“Natasha did.”

“Natasha-” Wanda felt wrong to even say the name. She took a deep breath. “She never really fully trusted us. At least not in me.”

“You’re wrong.” You looked back at Wanda, feeling anger filling your body again. “Natasha did nothing but care for us.”

“She took you away from me.” Wanda looked at you with tears in her eyes. “She to-” she sobbed. “-she took you away from me. It was you and me.”

You furrowed your brows. “What are you talking about?”

Wanda chuckled darkly. “Don’t tell me you forgot. I liked you since the beginning. And you liked me back. I know you did, you showed it- and then Natasha came in between us. Three words from her and you’re gone!” Wanda looked down. “You left me.”

“I didn- Wanda, I-”

Wanda flickered her wrist and her eyes turned red, your mind suddenly filling you with memories; you remembered the first time you and Wanda fought alongside, everyone around you was scared, even if all you had tried was to help them. It had been Wanda’s first mission after Pietro’s death. They yelled horrible words to you both, and no one did anything to stop them. After all, you had done for them, after saving them…

Only Wanda held your hand, she was the only one who saw you cry. The mission was successful, the people are safe but you…you were too pure to be in the middle of it and yet they blamed you…for everything. Even the mistakes they did.

You let all the anger leave your body as you stared down at her. She was…the same Wanda you knew. She was the broken girl you saw after Ultron, the broken girl who always felt lonely and only needed someone to be there.

“Wanda…”

“I need you, y/n. I need you. I can’t do this without you. I need to get rid of this.” Wanda sobbed as she tried to push you down to kneel in front of her. The only thing between the two of you was the trap.

“But you hurt me too.” You felt tears in your eyes as you let your fingers wrap around Wanda’s hand.

“She told me to. She made me do it.” Wanda looked down. “I never meant to hurt you. I- I love you too much to see you hurting. I tried to help.”

You looked away from her as you sobbed. “I know, Wan.”

Wanda looked back up as she offered a weak smile. “You do?”

You nodded as you finally knelt down in front of her, you placed your hand against her cheek, and you offered a sad smile. “We can defeat this. Together. We can go back to being ourselves and we-“ you offered a small smile. “-we can stay together. Because I can’t be without you.”

Wanda smiled. “Good…because you…” she placed her hand on your cheek as tears rolled down your cheeks. “You’ll always be mine.”

“I am.” You nodded.

“I’m sorry.” Wanda pressed her hand against your forehead, and you gasped, your eyes turning black for a moment as red dust appeared around you. “I need to do this. I can’t risk you leaving me. You’re mine forever.”

Finally, you understood.

You fell back and you screamed as your hands wrapped around your head, the pain was too much to handle, and you were confused as to what was happening. Your memories were all over the place, you were confused, you tried to fight it, you tried to fight whatever Wanda or Scarlet Witch had done to you, but slowly every memory was being replaced. Slowly, the avengers were forgotten, all your interactions with them, the good moments were gone.

Your memories with Natasha…they were fully gone. There was only one person who understood you and had always loved you; Wanda. Slowly your mind settled back to normal, and your eyes returned to their normal color, looking around confused as to what had happened. Not only had she taken most of your memories, but she had erased what had happened between you two and only kept the good moments.

You looked back at Wanda and your heart stopped as you noticed her crying. “Wanda!” You got the roots to go back to the ground and the trap was gone, Wanda’s clothes had changed back, and she was on the floor sobbing. “Did I- oh god-” she looked up at you with tears in her eyes.

“Please…don’t leave me.”

You knelt down in front of her and pulled her to your lap, wrapping your arms tightly around her. “I could never leave you, Wanda. It’s you and me, always will be that way.”

Wanda wrapped her arms around you as you buried your head on her neck. She smirked as she nodded. “Always will be that way.” She whispered softly.

. . .

As the sun disappears, the moon rises, and the stars start to form, giving light to the dark blue sky. You stare at them comfortably even if your face shows no sign of any emotion on it.

Wanda watches you for a moment before she drops the body she’s holding to the ground, Clint’s protégé that doesn’t know when to shut up, a shame too since Wanda wanted to let her live but she doesn’t appreciate the moral lesson from someone who hasn’t suffered much in life.

She slowly approached you, admiring your figure as you sat on top of pile-up bodies. You wanted to get closer to the sky it seems, Wanda finds it adorable. She’s so glad she took her time picking your memories. She doesn’t even need Scarlet Witch’s voice now to tell her what she needs to do.

“моя любовь, don’t sit on Clint’s body. You’ll get blood on your clothes” she said, her hand stretched towards you, but you ignored it. A single flick of your wrist and a dark, almost rotting tree branch pierced the bodies below you, pushing you up gently. You stepped closer to Wanda with a dangerous glint in your eyes.

Your delicate fingers wrapped around her jaw, your nails slightly digging on her cheeks “How dare you tell me what to do.” You asked, your voice husked and lethal.

Wanda merely smirked and pulled you closer by the waist “Oh my y/n…” she cooed “You’re right, I apologize.” Your hand lowered to your side and hers caressed your cheek, her thumb wiping the blood that dried on it “Red definitely looks good on you” She whispered in your ear before pulling away enough to press a searing hot kiss on your mouth, biting your lower lip hard to draw blood and pulling away to admire it as it drips on your chin. “Especially when I painted it.”

Tag-list: @lai-thunder @yeux-sur-la-lune @geico-insuranc @pawiie @screechcat @me-uglypretty @imhungry-andtired @romanoffomixam @mrskocho @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @theseviolentdelights597 @oncebit7 @anotherthatswhatshesaid @thefoxandthepenguine @aawake-atnight @marvel-vision @desaulniersbriannes

[winryofresembool]

Things We Lost in the Fire, ch 32

aka Caleo uni au

Fic summary: Calypso starts studying at a new university, but to her annoyance her new flatmate is a loud mouthed mechanic who also likes to sneak his dog in whenever. But as she learns to know him better, she realizes they might have more in common than what she first thought. Eventually, even the darkest secrets come out…

Chapter summary: At Waystation (again) and a bit elsewhere too

A/N: We're (finally) getting closer to the end of the 'Waystation arc'. I don't think I have that much to say about this chapter, but I'd like to dedicate it to Cecid as a late birthday present, because she has really kicked my butt to continue this story!

Enjoy, and let me know what you think!! It's super important (<- Lizzie Bennet Diaries reference)

(Ps. Fellow Europeans, vote for Finland in ESC!!!)

Words: 2950

Genre: romance & hurt/comfort

Warnings: none

previous chapter / AO3

...

The silence that fell into the room after Leo stormed out got more and more overwhelming until finally, Calypso couldn’t take it anymore. She could feel the two women and their daughter stare at her, but they were too astounded to say anything.

“I… I don’t understand what I did wrong,” Calypso mumbled eventually. “They were just matches. I didn’t mean that he should use them immediately; it was just my way of trying to tell him that I believe he can get over his fear one day.”

The women exchanged dark looks.

“Georgie, could you play with Festus outside for a moment? He looked like he needed to burn some energy,” Emmie suggested, wanting to get the girl out of the hearing distance.

“Ugh, fine,” Georgie pouted because she would have preferred admiring her gifts, but left anyway.

Once she was gone, Jo sighed. “About what just happened… you did nothing wrong, Calypso. It’s just…” She stopped to contemplate her next words. “Christmas is always a hard time for Leo. He tries his best to participate and make his jokes and all that, but his eyes betray him. He’s just… not there.”

“I want to understand…” Calypso stepped closer to Leo’s mothers. “Did something happen to him on some Christmas?”

“Yes, you could say that,” Emmie replied sadly. “Leo’s mother died on Christmas day several years ago.”

Calypso’s eyes widened as she understood what Emmie was trying to say.

“Oh gods… And she died in a fire, right? He did mention it once… No wonder he didn’t want to touch the matches, especially today.”

“Yes,” Emmie confirmed. “She did die in a fire. But there’s more to it. Leo probably wouldn’t want me to tell you this but in this situation it might be better that you know: he blames himself for the fire.”

“I probably shouldn’t ask, but… why?” Calypso asked, feeling more sickened every moment as she pictured a young boy mourning his mother and his home. “What happened?”

“We have only gotten some bits and pieces from here and there, but it seems the fire most likely started from some papers he had left near a fireplace. Accidentally, of course, but he doesn’t see it that way,” Jo sniffed. Suddenly Calypso realized that Leo’s pain must have hurt his family more than he probably even realized. They really cared about him a lot… She couldn’t help but feel just a tiny bit jealous because at least Leo had people supporting him. But she quickly pushed that unnecessary thought aside.

“That’s awful… I guess he’s afraid that he might accidentally make something like that happen again and that’s why he doesn’t want fire near him.” Calypso knew the fear of hurting someone she cared about and the guilt all too well. She would never forget the flashing lights and the loud crash that followed. Her nightmares made sure of that.

“Yes, it’s likely he feels that way. Since he moved here, he’s been seeing a therapist every once in a while but it’s clear he’s still a work in progress. He doesn’t talk about his mother a lot to us either. Just when we ask something general, and even then the answers are usually quite short.”

Bitterly, Calypso thought that was how she acted when someone brought up her family.

“I realize now that the matches were a big mistake,” she finally said. “I wish there was something I could do… I hate just watching helplessly when someone I… um...” She stopped mid sentence when she realized what she was about to reveal too much.

“Just be there for him,” Emmie suggested, luckily ignoring Calypso’s stuttering. “Despite everything, I think he’s still shown good progress the past few months. Sometimes time and patience and care can do amazing things.”

“Yeah. I think you are right there.” Calypso agreed. She herself had asked her friends, including Leo, to be patient with her as well. It was only fair she’d do the same with him.

“And Calypso?” Emmie eyed her worriedly. “Remember to take care of yourself as well.”

Calypso didn’t understand how the woman had seen through her that well. There was no way she could know what was going on in her mind because she hadn’t told even Leo everything. And Emmie and she had only known each other for a couple of days so far.

“I… sure. I will try my best!” she promised, instead of questioning Emmie’s comment.

“Good. I can’t say I know you all that well yet but know that people who are important to Leo are important to us.”

For a moment Calypso imagined what it would be like to have a mother like that. For some reason the thought made her emotional. “Thank you. You are so kind.”

“No, just doing what’s necessary. Now, I suggest you go and get dressed for the day and do what else you need to do; we might need some help with lunch soon. Besides, Georgie might need some supervision because she gets hyper when she eats too much chocolate. Funny how she and Leo are not biologically related but they still have a lot in common,” Emmie ended with a slightly amused remark.

Calypso did notice that she didn’t say anything about trying to find Leo, but she understood. He probably wanted to be on his own for a moment, and she’d respect that. Hopefully she’d get to talk to him eventually, but until then it was better to try to do something helpful rather than spend the whole day worrying. But even while she was doing her morning chores, she could still see Leo’s angry eyes when he saw her gift in her mind.

…

Leo didn’t know where he should go so he just followed his instinct. He didn’t want to hide inside; the pictures from his nightmare were still too fresh in his mind and he needed to be somewhere where he could breathe fresh air. As he was crossing the yard, Festus tried to follow him, and he wagged his tail cheerfully to make his favorite human happier, but this one time Leo didn’t want his company. He apologized to the dog and told him that he’d take him for a walk after getting his thoughts cleared.

He kept walking until finally, he reached a certain park where he and Jason used to jog often. Seeing a log bench on the side, he decided to sit down for a moment. Someone had made a campfire nearby earlier and Leo glared at the remaining ashes like they were the reason for all his troubles. He could feel the panic rise up his throat as he was reminded of the fire again, but he challenged himself to stay there for at least a moment. Finally, he sighed.

He knew he had totally overreacted to Calypso’s gift. Surely she had meant good but she didn’t know why fire and Christmas were not a good combination when it came to Leo. If he had just ignored the matches, nothing would have happened. Now he’d have to explain to her why he had freaked out like that and that wouldn’t be easy.

He wasn’t sure how long he had been staring into nothing when he suddenly felt a knock on his shoulder. Having not heard anyone arrive, he startled at the touch, but quickly recovered when he recognized the newcomer.

“Pipes! What brings you here?” he exclaimed, briefly noticing that her brown hair was now shorter than it had used to be and somehow her whole demeanor seemed a bit different. He attempted to put on a smile for her but he knew he was probably failing.

“Funny, I was gonna ask you the same question,” Piper noted, sitting down next to Leo. “I thought you would be at Waystation with your family. It’s Christmas day, after all.”

“Oh, yeah, I was there.” Piper raised her eyebrow so he quickly added: “You know me; this holiday and I don’t exactly walk hand in hand so I needed to get out for a moment.” Leo hoped that would be a sufficient explanation. She did know what had happened to his mother, even if not to the full extent.

“But Calypso was there with you. I thought that would cheer you up,” Piper pointed out.

“Funny you should say that,” Leo chuckled, although there was nothing amusing about the situation. “If you wanna know the truth, I’m kind of trying to escape from her right now.”

“You’re trying to escape…” Piper repeated with confusion. “Why? What happened? I thought things were going fine between you two. Especially after what happened after the party…”

“Not everything is how it looks to outsiders, Pipes,” Leo stopped her. “Things haven’t been amazing lately. I mean, in many ways. Yeah, I like her and somehow she also likes me, apparently. Yeah, I know, pretty unbelievable.”

Piper gave him her best ‘wow, you’re really breaking the news there, Leo’ look. He didn’t get disheartened, though, instead continuing: “But we have, um, decided that we shouldn’t get together for various reasons so we’ve been trying to find some kind of a golden mean where we can still continue being friends but it hasn’t been working out that well. One sec we are at each other's' throats for whatever stupid reason, and the next we’re acting all flirty and ignoring the rules we set. I was hoping that this Waystation visit would give us a chance to get to know each other better in an environment where we have others around us… And I think it was actually working for a while. I feel more comfortable there, and I think she was feeling more comfortable too… But today I went and messed things up again.”

“What did you do?” Piper sighed disapprovingly.

“I may or may not have gotten mad about her Christmas present,” Leo confessed finally, cringing because he realized how bad it sounded.

“Oh, Leo…” Piper shook her head. “Why would you get mad about something like that? You’re not usually someone who’d get mad that easily.”

“Yeah… I know I’m not, but… I had a pretty rough day to begin with. Not that that’s anything new to me, but…”

“But what?” Piper inquired.

“I saw a nightmare about my mom’s death right before I woke up. I was still kinda on the edge when we were opening the presents so when I saw the matches…”

“She gave you matches?” Piper tilted her head slightly as she was trying to figure out what Leo was saying.

“Yeah,” Leo shrugged. “To be clear, though, they were only a part of the present. She had made me a real nice tool belt, probably way better than any of those that they sell in some stores. The matches were in one of the pockets. And now I can see you’re gonna say: ‘well, maybe she just wanted you to try to get over your fear’, and maybe you’re right, but the timing…”

“You have not told her about the anniversary,” Piper concluded. “I’m sure you have figured out by now that you can’t blame her for something she didn’t know about. That’s not fair.”

“I know that!” Leo exclaimed. “I’m not really blaming her; I just overreacted! But how will I explain that to her? ‘Sorry I yelled at you; I just happened to burn my entire house 11 years ago today so I’m not exactly fond of fire right now?’”

“You know what I’m thinking?” Piper interrupted Leo’s unhealthy thought process. He didn’t answer. “I think you two have some serious communication issues. I know that Calypso isn’t good at opening about her past, and she has also admitted to me she has a tendency to push people back if she’s afraid they’re getting too close to her. But guess what, Leo? You’re the same. I’ve noticed that even though you’re kind of loud sometimes and you like to tell bad jokes…”

“Hey!” Leo protested.

“Shh, let me finish. My point is, you don’t often tell us what you’re really thinking. When you’re having one of your rougher periods, you withdraw into your workshop for days. All I’m trying to say here is that please talk to us. Specifically, talk to her. When she notices that you trust her enough to talk about something that personal, she might open up to you more as well. If she really likes you, she’ll understand.”

“Beauty Queen, I hate it when you see through me that well,” Leo muttered. “I dunno. I guess I’ll have to talk to her when I go back. If my moms don’t murder me first.”

“Nah. They wouldn’t. I mean, you may not get any presents next Christmas but that’s a small price to pay when you stormed out like that,” Piper teased him.

“You sure know how to make a man regret his bad deeds.” Leo rolled his eyes. “Anyway, we’ve established why I’m here right now but what about you? Shouldn’t you be with Jason or something?” Suddenly Piper didn’t seem as determined to scold Leo anymore.

“I… Jason and I are having a break.”

“A break? As in…?” Leo asked with confusion.

“As in a break,” Piper repeated more firmly. “What part of it you don’t understand? He and I are seeing if we are happier apart.”

Leo spent a moment taking the information in. “But I don’t get it. You guys have always been the most stable couple I’ve known. Why this kind of a decision all of a sudden?” He couldn’t say that he was entirely surprised by this piece of news after his talk with Jason before Christmas, but it still felt different to hear it from Piper. More final.

“I don’t think it’s all of a sudden. It’s been coming for a while now,” Piper confessed.

“Really? And you’re telling me only now?” Leo raised his eyebrow.

“It was something I needed to figure out on my own. Now, please don’t think I’ve just been playing with him, or something. I do love Jason. He’s my best friend. But… I’m starting to feel we’ve progressed too fast. That there’s a whole world out there for me to see that I missed because I was so busy getting together with Jason. I want to get to know who I am and where I really belong.”

“But… you have a house and everything together…” Leo said, suddenly feeling like a child whose parents were telling him they were breaking up, forgetting his own problems for a moment. “How are you gonna deal with that?”

“The plan is for now that we both keep living in our house until we make our final decision. I don’t want to go back to my dad and Jason would want to live with his dad even less. Of course it’s possible that we decide to continue our relationship, but if not, then we’re going to sell the house. But we are not rushing that. For now, we’re just trying to be friends, and not… exclusive.”

Leo was slightly relieved to hear that at least his best friends were still on speaking terms.

“Alright… if that’s what both of you want, then I’ll support it,” he said. “It’d suck to lose touch with either of you because of this.”

“Don’t worry,” Piper reassured him. “You won’t.” She ruffled his hair a little as if he was her little brother. “Everyone needs a Super-sized McShizzle in their lives, don’t they? It’d be pretty empty otherwise.”

Leo gave her a lopsided smile. “Glad you admitted that.”

“Anyway, enough about my boring relationship issues!” Piper decided to change the topic. “So, you told me Cal got you a tool belt and matches, but what did you give to her? It’s important, Leo.”

“You really think I’m gonna reveal it to you, Beauty Queen? I’m smarter than that,” Leo pointed out.

“I know what you did at our uni’s freshman party and I’m not afraid to tell it to Cal if I need to.” Piper winked at him in response.

Leo rolled his eyes. “Pshhh, that was freshman year. That excuses everything.”

“Alright, don’t tell me then.” Piper turned to leave.

“If you really must know,” Leo said before Piper got too far, “it was a jewelry box. With a bracelet in it. But it was not new so it wasn’t a big deal.”

“Not a big deal?” Piper asked with amusement. “You know things get serious when you give a girl a piece of jewelry.”

“Wait, what? For real?” Leo was shocked for a moment until he noticed Piper had a hard time not bursting into laughter. She was just messing with him. “OK, remind me to never tell you anything serious ever again.”

“You know you can’t resist my charm,” Piper chuckled. “Once you have forgotten what you just said, please tell me what really has happened at Waystation recently.”

Leo couldn’t help but shake his head at Piper’s enthusiasm but eventually started to tell her the whole story. He noticed that it helped him to forget about the negative thoughts for a moment so he didn’t really mind even though Piper had a tendency to be a bit pushy when it came to his feelings towards Calypso. And he assumed that Piper welcomed the distraction happily as well, because she must have felt conflicted about the whole Jason situation. When did things get so complicated, he wondered briefly before chuckling at his thoughts ironically. His life had never been simple. But even so, he would keep fighting. Because that’s what his mom would want, and that's what his family and friends would want.

[twoidiotwriters1]

Pure Blood 2(Sirius Black xF!Oc)

A/N: I can't believe all the support this story has had, thank you very much.

Words: 1,986

Chapter 1 // pt. 3

Chapter 2: Rare

Fifth Year,

Percy’s POV:

“I can’t believe those marauders are making pranks already, it’s the first day of school!”

That’s the first thing I hear when I wake up, followed by someone sitting on my bed next to me.

“Come on, P. It’s getting late,” I groan and pull off the sheets from my body.

“But it’s never late for gossip, isn’t it, Jenna?” I rub my eyes.

“You know is not,” She replies with a laugh and gets up, “and less if it’s about those four boys, they never rest”

I get up as well and go to the bathroom to get change to my usual uniform.

“You’re always talking about them,” I roll my eyes.

“That’s because there’s always something new to talk about,” She replies from the other side of the room.

I sigh and examine my reflection in the mirror, the dark circles under my eyes are getting bigger and bigger, almost matching with my eyes.

Another night, another nightmare.

I take a quick shower and get dress in a few minutes. Jenna and I walk together to the Great Hall, I can hear the people in there laughing and talking really loudly though we’re pretty far away.

When we finally get in I see most of the noise is coming from the lion’s table, I roll my eyes and walk towards the Slytherin table, I gran an apple and bite on it while I sit.

“I don’t get why are they so loud,” i said to Jenna when she sits in front of me.

“They convinced Peeves to help them for a prank, you know how they get along with that poltergeist.”

“And that’s a victory?” I ask, looking at their table.

Several boys and girls are leasing towards the center of the table to listen to James Potter’s story. From my place I can only see his exaggerated expressions  and how he raises his arms from time to time, next to him I see Sirius Black, who I once call my friend, but now is one of the popular kids in Hogwarts and a total ladies’ man. His arm is around James’ shoulders, adding details to make the audience laugh a bit more. Behind both of them I see Peter Pettigrew, or the least interesting guy of their group, as anyone would say. They boy listen attentively, they only look at him a few times while talking but soon enough they leave him aside. Finally, the last member: Remus Lupin, who’s just quietly eating his breakfast next to Sirius, he’s reading something, or maybe just pretenden to read but in reality he’s pretending to not listen to their story, or just feels overwhelmed with all the eyes around him.

“Anyway, I have to tell you about that Irish guy that I met during my vacations,” Jenna’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts and now all my attention is focused on her. I smile at her words and wait to hear all about the newest story in her love life.

Jenna is quite beautiful, ever since third year she’s got this huge line of suitors. She’s got blond hair that always look perfectly done, blue eyes and a charming smile.

And don’t even get me started on her general looks, with the long legs she was born with, she’s the taller than the average girl at Hogwarts, including me. But even though she’s one of the prettiest girls, and all the rumors around her, she never acts like she’s better than anyone else, and never plays along with what people talks about her.

She knows her beauty attracts most of the guys and makes lots of girls feel jealous, but she’s never done any harm. She rejects politely to any boy that tries to ask her out and it’s always local to her current relationship. She’s never really “bad” unless it’s necessary. Everyone could talk about her and believe the worst, but in reality she’s my sunshine. A lightning of hope on my darkest times, she never stops shinning.

We’re friends since second year and she’s the only real friend I’ve had in my whole life.

“But I had to reject him,” She ends the story, supporting her face on one hand, “P, you should’ve seen him, he was so charming! all dreamy…”

I laugh lightly and shake my head.

“You will find someone better this year,” I finish my apple and live the rest on a plate. She lets out a sarcastic laugh.

“I doubt it, I’m tired of dating the kids in school. I need someone older”

“Well, if you find anything, let me know,” I smile jockingly.

“Oh, but you already have one like that, honey,” She says in a playful tone.

“Who?”

“Don’t play innocent, I know there’s a certain younger boy who would die to be with you…”

“Don’t start.”

“Please, Regulus only have those grey beautiful eyes for you, besides he’s pretty mature for his age, and he’s also very cute.”

I groan at her words.

“Yeah, you’re right, he’s cute and blablabla… but never in a million years I would try to be with him like that. He’s like my little brother.”

“So… like incest?”

“Jenna!”

“Alright, I’m sorry,” She laughs, “but if you really think that, you should tell him.”

She lowers her eyes towards my plate and notices I only have the leftovers of the apple on it.

“Is that all you’re going to eat?” She asks, I nod, “you’re sure? It was just an apple”

“I’m not really hungry,” I shrug, before she can say anything else, i gran my bag and get up, “I have to go, I have potions…”

“Okay, see you later…” Replies unsure.

I walk out of the Great Hall and go through the halls with my head high and my back straight as usual, some people watch me curiously, the youngest even look a bit scared, when they let me pass. That would’ve cheered me up before, since I’ve been getting this reactions ever since third year, but now, they just cause me anxiety.

My thoughts are interrupted when I turn right too fast and I crash into someone else, both of us let out books fall to the floor.

“Sorry, I was distracted,” The girl looks up and her smile vanishes, her expression immediately tensing.

When I see those green eyes and red hair my whole body shakes uncontrollaby, feeling a knot in my throat.

Lily Evans tares, confused and waiting for me to react.

“Aren’t you going to say anything back, Singh?” She raises a brow, I shake my head.

“I…” I don’t know what to do, i lower my eyes and notice her books are still on the floor, so I reach for them and pick them up, “t-there…” She grabs them, unsure. I clear my throat, “Bye.”

I step inside the classroom, practicar running, I walk towards my seat while my heart rounds harshly against my chest and my hands shake. I try to control my breathing.

This can’t be happening.

(omniscient narrator)

While Persephone has a crisis on the potions’ classroom, Lily Evans stays outside, her face has gone a little pale and hasn’t fully understood what just happened.

“Hi, Lily,” Remus Lupin stands beside her, since she doesn’t answer right away, the boys repeats in a more worried tone, “Lily?”

She blinks quickly and notices Remus next to her.

“Oh hi, Remus”

“Are you okay?” She nods.

“It’s just…” Lily turns around towards the door where Persephone disappears, “something odd happened.”

“What do you mean?”

“Persephone Singh, I crash against her by accident and she… did nothing.”

Lupin stares at her in confusion.

“Wait, she didn’t hurt you or anything when she hit you? Are you sure?, you’re very pale”

“No Remus, that’s the weird part. When I saw it was her I thought she would start a fight, or at least she would say something rude to me, but no… she just picked up our books and left. Actually, she looked nervous…”

Remus couldn’t be any more confused, he can’t believe what his friend is telling him.

“Wait, are we talking of the Persephone Singh? The same girl that has insulted you since first year because of your muggle parents? The girl that everyone calls “The slytherin princess”… She was nervous?”

“I can’t believe it either, but another thing I notice was her body language, sort of… I don’t know, scared when she saw me?”

“Scared?”

It can’t be. How could someone so arrogant, rude and intimidating like her being scared of someone like Lily?

“Moony, stop the flirting already, Slughorn is waiting,” Says Sirius once he’s beside him, “sorry Evans, but this lad,” he points to Remus, “needs to be the best so one day he can buy me pretty things,” Sirius puts an arm around Remus’ shoulders and force him inside.

Lupin waves at Lily from afar and walks along with his friend. Both of them step inside the room and sit on their usual spots, sharing the table.

After a moment, the professor enters and class starts. Most of the students pay attention to Slughorn, (except for Sirius, who didn’t hesitate to start doodling stuff on his parchment without a care). Remus ignores his friend and jeeps his eyes on the board, but something else starts to distract him.

A few seats ahead of him he sees Persephone, and the conversation he had with Lily comes back to him. Remus watches closely the girl’s back,  he can tell she’s paying attention, but as time goes by it seems she’s struggling to stay awake, her head tilts and she supports it on top of her hand, not succeding at staying alert.

Her attitude causes the curiosity in Remus to spark into action,  since she’s always fighting to be the top student. She used to be the one who always raised her hand at hard questions every five minutes, or to add something the professor might have missed. She always tried to win points for Slytherin, but now, Lupin is sure that she’s not even listening to the class.

Remus’ Flashback: (omniscient narrator)

“Remus, you know I don’t like being near to them,” Says Lily, staring at the table in one corner, where the small group of Slytherins is.

“It win’t take long, I promise”

The readhead sighs heavily, but follows her friend.

They both walk past the table but unfortunately they don’t go unnoticed, the group doesn’t hesitaste to start a fight.

“I can’t believe it, even here it’s starting to stink,” Says a blonde girl, making everyone around her laugh.

“You shouldn’t be here, Evans,” Says another boy, standing quickly in front of her, Lupin pushes him away with one arm.

“Rosier, we only came to get books, leave us alone,” Remus answers, trying to make the boy step back. He doesn’t succeed.

“Oh, look,” Evan Rosier looks at Remus, “the lion can speak. Where are your guardians, puppy?”

“Leave him alone, we haven’t done anything to you,” Lily replies.

“Yet,” adds Persephone, caughting their attention, “Who do you think you are to talk like that to a Pureblood?”

Rosier smiles, clearly pleased with himself. He steps aside to leave Percy at the front of the group, who walks closer towards the redhead.

“I-I don’t,” Lily stutters, Persephone’s dark eyes manage to intimidate her, the slytherin raises a brow.

“So?” She smirks, “all the courage that lions say they have, but this dumb girl can’t even utter a sentence. Go back to where you came from, mudblood,” She hiss in disgust.

Teas start to fall on Lily’s face without her being able to stop them, the sweet thirteen year-old runs out of the library, leaving the group of snakes laughing at their actions and her friend, who doesn’t understand how a girl like Persephone could hate so much to someone who isn’t a pure blood.

 Tag list:

@ treestarrrrrrrr   @siriuslysirius1107   @thagreenmoonblack

[volturi-or-die]

Crazed: Chapter 2- Losses

Previous Chapter: Chapter 1- Trials

Next Chapter: Chapter 3- WIP

Point of View: Minalia

Word Count: 1858

Warnings: Explicit language

Crack.

The branch underneath me gave way, sending me backwards into the ground below. I attempted to maneuver myself into a crouching position, but it seemed fate wasn’t on my side. I hit the ground on my side, hard. 

“SHIT.”

Alec looked at me, completely unphased by what just happened. This was only the 20th time I tried to practice this move, and failed. I readjusted myself to lay on my back and placed a hand on the rib that was slightly fractured. I waited for a few minutes until it was back to normal then got up. 

“Again.” 

“Alec it’s not working.”

“Again.” He was disinterested in my attempts to reason with him. In the days we had been here, we had gone through multiple theories to trigger a transformation but none were effective. We tried everything from meditation to Alec’s ridiculous time of day theory a few days ago, nothing was working. Two weeks and no results.  

I spotted another tree I could practice on. Maybe the 21st time would be the charm? Alec’s latest idea involved tapping into animal instincts, or as I liked to put it, becoming one with the cat. Needless to say, Alec didn’t find that quip funny either. 

Our relationship was different now. The softness and kindness from that night wasn’t there anymore. I thought, maybe, just maybe, we would actually become friends, but I was wrong. The Alec I knew that saved me left, replaced by the one I believed to detest my very being. He resented me. He was here, far away from his own life, his own family, to help save mine. 

I was so lost in my thoughts that my foot slipped as I climbed up, and once again I was flat on the ground. 

“Minalia are you even trying?” 

Oh that was it. Of course I was trying. This was my life that I was fighting for. He didn’t have anything to lose in any of this, just maybe his pride. In all honesty he could afford to lose some of it. I wasn’t going to stand here and be disrespected like this. Yes, I was failing, but not through any fault of my own. 

“Yeah I’m trying you total jackass.” At that he turned to look at me, a tinge of shock present. Finally. I got his attention. “You heard me. I don’t need to put up with this, or with you and your stupid condescending attitude.” 

By this point I was up and looking up at him. 

“Fine, then I do not need to put any more effort into training you,” he snarled. 

“Oh right because me falling out of a tree over and over again is definitely training.”

“It would be if you could actually land.” 

He really was an insufferable jackass sometimes. I didn’t have to put up with this, nor was I going to. I turned around from him and began to walk away. 

“Where are you going?” he called out after me. 

“Away from you!” I picked up the pace to a full sprint and began making my way through trees. I caught the scent of the sea breeze and made my way towards the beach. With an island so small, I wanted as much space from Alec as possible. I slowed to take my shoes off before going into the water. 

I stood there letting my body soak up the sun. I just wanted to scream, let all the anger go, but that would only summon Alec to me. So instead I did the next best thing; I cried. 

The waves sprayed water all over me as the tears felt. Why could I not get a grip on my transformation? How was this even possible? Jacob could transform on the whim and turn back so easily, yet here I was failing at the first before I could even fail at the second. It was so easy that night, so easy to give myself over. 

I remember the feeling of my paws in the dirt, the musky smell of the vampires around, sounds of heartbeats. It wasn’t me. It was an animal. I died and in my place there was a creature. I woke up to my body being that creature’s body. The voice didn’t wake me up, it woke up a beast. 

That was the last time I heard it too, that voice of warning. Maybe that was for the better. Stupid thing only caused me trouble anyways. It caused me more troubles than those damned nightmares I was having too. If only Renesmee were here. She could help me with them in a heartbeat. 

I wondered how Ness was doing. What was Emmett up to? I missed them. I missed going rafting with Ness. I missed watching movies with Jasper. I missed cooking with Esme. I missed painting with Rosalie. I missed them all. That was my family. I needed to live for them. I needed to keep trying for them. I couldn’t fail them. 

I had to keep trying. 

My outfit was soaked now, the salt water making my skin itchy. I willed myself to get out of the water and go back to the house. It was a relatively large property for being the only one on the island. Alec explained to me when we arrived that it was only truly there for appearances, to keep people away from why a shell corporation had a private island. It did draw attention, but it was better to allow people to conclude it was a billionaire’s private getaway rather than anything else that could pique their curiosity.

Although the island’s initial purpose was for training, but not for me. It was for unruly newborns, on the very rare occasion the Volturi actually took any in. In even rarer cases, it was for hiding the kings and the wives away from danger should the compound in Volterra ever be threatened. According to Alec, the last time that happened was during the war with the Romanians. 

The same ones that I met that night. Stefan was his name. I tried getting more information from Alec, but he swore he did not know why I was captured. He told me that Stefan was concerned about my death and that Renesmee was just a pawn to get me. Neither of those things I understood, and it was perhaps the one instance in which I wish Alec would’ve lied to me. 

Speaking of the devil, I finally reached the main door to the house. Oh how I did not want to face the argument we would surely have. However, when I opened the door I was hit with the smell burnt...chicken? I hurried into the kitchen to see smoke coming from the oven. Alec was huddled over it fanning it with a dishcloth, his brows furrowed. 

“Alec, what on earth are you even doing?” I took the cloth from him and grabbed a mitt to pull the pan out of the oven. I opened the door to the porch and placed it there and left the door open to air the kitchen out. 

“I attempted to cook,” he replied, trying to keep the shame from his voice. 

“I can see that. I’m asking why.” 

It was clear he did not want to answer me. I gestured for him to answer me. “It was an apology. The past two weeks have not been easy on either one of us. I have not been mindful of your struggles with this, so I wanted to apologize. I have not been in this position to truly train and lead someone before, and I am sorry.” 

There had to be only one explanation for this. “Did Demetri yell at you again?” Alec glared in response. I held my hands up, “Just asking. Last time that’s what happened.” 

“I am perfectly capable of knowing when I should apologize.” Uhuh. So he says. But I wasn’t going to question him on that now.

“So what exactly were you trying to make?”

“It was something my mother used to cook.” His mother? I had never heard Alec speak of anyone besides Jane. In fact I did not know much of what actually occurred in Alec’s own past. I simply knew the stories how formidable his abilities were and roughly how old he was, but everything else was unknown to me. 

“You remember something that detailed from your human life?”

He paused before answering, “Truthfully, no. I remember my mother and the meals Jane and I would share with her. It was something to this effect, but I do not know what it fully was.”

I wanted to tease him. I doubt Alec knew the basic thing about cooking human food. The oven being set to 500 degrees Farenheit was proof enough. I pressed the button to turn it off and faced him. This wasn’t a time to really critique him, so I hugged him. “Thank you. Does this mean you’ll listen to me now?”

He placed his arms around me to hug me back. “I will take your ideas into consideration, and if you truly believe something is not working then we shall stop.” 

“That’s all I can ask for,” I replied as I loosened myself from his grasp and looked around, “Now, help me clean up the mess you made.” 

We cleaned the kitchen silently. I put away the various spices he tried to use; somehow I doubted Alec’s mother used ginger during her time. In less than 10 minutes we were done. 

“Are you ready to go back out and try again?” Alec asked. 

I shook my head no. “Let’s try a different type of training?”

Alec looked at me curiously, “What plan do you have?”

There was a possibility he could say no to this, but it was worth a shot. “Let’s not focus on what I can’t do but just pretend I can. If I am to be an effective member of the guard, we will have to trust each other right?” 

“Yes.” He seemed puzzled by where I was going with this.

“So, let’s stay in and get to know each other a little bit. I’m not asking you to divulge your deepest darkest secrets, but Alec, we can’t work together if we don’t know how we work. Two weeks secluded together doesn’t really work if we don’t really talk except when bickering.” 

“That may be the most sensible thing you have ever said.” Glad to see Alec had not lost his ability to be as blunt as possible. “Very well, we shall stay inside and talk.” 

“Fantastic!” I exclaimed as I grabbed his hand and led him to the living room. We spent hours talking. It was basic things, our simple interests. I learned that he liked to read most of the time, although he had a special interest in poetry. I told him of the games I liked to play with Emmett. Simple things. Small things. I learned more about him in the hours we spent talking in the entire time we had been here. 

Maybe, just maybe, this wouldn’t be so bad.

--

Tagged: @alecvolturi @volturisecretary @lamiafantasia @phil-dwyer-stan-account @janes-eyebrows 

If anyone wishes to be tagged, please let me know. 

[corpse--diem]

101 Uses for Duct Tape | Marley & Erin

Summary: Marley fixes Erin’s door and Erin takes a well deserved nap. Duct tape isn’t the only thing that does some bonding here.  When: Early last week (5/4) Featuring: @detectivedreameater

This was the fourth person Marley found herself “concerned” over after hearing-- or seeing- they’d been attacked by a mime clone. Keeping up appearances was getting hard, and Marley couldn’t help but think about how much easier things were just a few months ago. But, this was her lot now, and she was making real progress with Nadia and Erin. So, whiskey bottle in hand, she made her way to the Nicholas’ funeral home, arm in sling, still giving a dull throb despite the bottle of ibuprofen she’d downed before heading over. The place always had had that creepy suburban vibe to it, the kind that only a funeral home in a renovated house could have. Not that Marley ever minded. She’d always been drawn to that, after all, being what she was. Being who she was. With a disgruntled sigh at the thought, she made sure her sunglasses were firmly on her face before giving a hearty knock at the back door. “It’s just me!” she called through it, “No evil mimes around, promise.”

Marley’s offer had been unexpected but god, was Erin ever thankful for it. She hadn’t been joking about how little sleep she’d gotten, and while the home was filled with people throughout the day, the quiet and the night made every shadow come to life. If she stared at them too long, she swore she could see the glimmer of eyes and bright teeth staring back at her. Baseball bat in hand, she made the mistake of settling onto the couch, just for a second, she told herself while she waited for Marley. She’d just nodded off when the banging at the back door jolted her wide fucking awake. “Thanks for the disclaimer. I was worried my murderous mime friend was suddenly going to be polite about hacking me into pieces,” she greeted the woman, noting the sunglasses immediately. Hard to forget the nightmares that laid behind them. She was too tired, deep in her soul kind of tired, to delve into that one right this sec. Gestured in with the baseball bat for her to come in. “Whiskey?” She offered as she led her towards the door upstairs that needed repaired. “Or should I just assume that’s not something I even need to ask when you come over?”

“A bat,” Marley noted, not moving for a second, “you work in a funeral home and the one weapon you choose is a bat?” Shrugging, she stepped in, standing still for a moment, unsure of what to do next, before holding the bottle she’d brought out. “If you could just always have a glass ready for me when I get here, you might actually become my number favorite person.” She followed Erin up the stairs, coming upon the door that had been shredded in what must’ve been quite the struggle. “Wow, you really did a number on this door, didn’t you?” she shuffled her bag which had all her tools in it and set it on the floor. “I’d say you owe me big time after this, but with all the shit going on, I’ll let it slide,” she looked over at Erin, careful to avoid eye contact, despite knowing full well nothing would happen without her wanting it to, “just this once, of course.” She plopped onto the floor, rubbing her wounded shoulder a second before digging through her bag. “You have that duct tape I asked about?”

“Is there a designated weapon of choice for funeral directors I wasn’t aware of?” Erin raised her brow at the criticism. Marley wasn’t wrong, though. Up until a few months ago the most she ever felt the need to carry on her was mace and thankfully she’d never had to use it. “What the hell happened to you?” She asked, awake enough to finally notice Marley’s arm was in a sling as she took the whiskey. Though she had a feeling the word ‘mime’ was going to pop into the conversation here. Seemed to be the trend of the week, unwelcome or not. “Would your favorite person forget the whiskey glasses or duct tape? I think not.” She smirked, grabbing the duct tape she had set on the table near the door. “Think fast!” Erin grinned as she flicked her wrist like she was going to chuck it at the one-armed woman, but handed it off to her instead with a smirk. “Kidding. Sorry. I get a little ornery when I don’t sleep for three days,” she laughed, but disappeared momentarily to grab the glass she’d already put aside. She settled onto the floor in the hallway as she poured, watching her do her thing. “If you need any help, I can totally try too. Or just hand you stuff as you go,” she said, taking a sip as she set a glass down where Marley was working.

“I dunno, just figured you have weird tools around, like a knife, or a bone saw,” Marley said dismissively from the floor, looking up at Erin. When she feigned throwing the tape, Marley didn’t even move or flinch, just gave her a flat stare. “Cute,” was all she said, before taking the duct tape and pulling on it to get a strip started. “Listen, I’m a sleep demon and even I need sleep, so maybe you should get on that whole sleep thing. I hear humans go crazy if they don’t get enough sleep.” She took the drink gratefully, taking a long swig. “Trust me, you don’t wanna know what happened. It looks like you went through enough mime bullshit here, you don’t need to hear about mine.” Struggled, for a moment, as she tried to use her foot to hold the duct tape roll still and pull off a long strip, before giving up and holding it out to Erin. “Pull.”

“You don’t sleep? Like, ever?” Erin questioned, raising a brow. “God, that must be nice. I don’t sleep much as it is considering I’m on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. But eventually I collapse, as we humans do,” she nodded, taking another long sip, feeling the liquid warm her chest. “Besides, I promised you tacos. You’re gonna get tacos, sleep be damned,” she insisted. Watched with mild amusement as Marley struggled with tape before crawling over to help her out. “God, so bossy,” she teased but pulled on command anyway. “Do you even eat tacos? Or anything in general?” She asked, ripping off the tape before she could struggle with that too. “And you can totally talk about your mime bullshit if you want. Especially if it was as traumatizing for you as it was for me.”

“I sleep,” Marley corrected, “I don’t have to sleep as much as you, but I sleep.” A beat. “Sometimes.” Though she wasn’t sure if that was entirely a species quirk or more of just a ‘Marley’ quirk. Either way, it didn’t matter. “You did. And I’m excited to eat them, even if I don’t need to eat human food, either.” Erin was the second person to make Marley food, and to do so excitedly and willingly, and the thought was a tad sobering. So she took another long sip, almost emptying the glass, before getting back to work. She stuck the piece Erin had pulled off on the door and motioned for her to make a few more strips, the same size. “Traumatizing? No. I’m a detective, I don’t get traumatized by this shit. Or anything. I eat fear, remember? Kinda hard to scare fear itself.” Besides, she didn’t need to talk about it, or anything. Ever. This was just another thing that had happened and soon, it would be over, and she could go back to not having to pretend to worry about people getting killed.

“It’s the thought that counts?” Erin offered weakly, shrugging. “They’ll be tasty, if not nourishing. So there’s that.” She didn’t miss the extra long sip Marley took from her glass after she answered that. Wasn’t sure what it meant but it was certainly noted. Ripping a few more pieces of duct tape off with only a little bit of a struggle, she eyed her warily. “Uh-huh. And is that ‘You can’t scare fear’ schtick what you say to everyone when they ask if you’re alright?” She questioned further, handing off the pieces of tape. When her hands were free again, she slumped back onto the ground, topping off both of their drinks. Narrowed her eyes at Marley as she watched her again. “You’re really not about to duct tape my door together right now, right? Even I can do that.”

“Yeah, sure,” Marley said idly, “thought that counts.” She smoothed down the duct tape so that there were as few lumps as possible before digging back into her pack and pulling out the little bucket of plaster she’d whipped up. She glanced back at Erin, watching her refill their drinks, before looking up at her. “Yup,” she said evenly, before pointedly picking up her glass and taking another long drink. Turning back to the door, she pried the bucket open and grabbed her plaster trowel, dipping it in. “No, dumbass. I just needed a layer to put the plaster on,” she teased, though partially aware of the fact that her sarcastic voice sounded very much like her regular voice. “It needs a base. And I’m not saying it’s going to be the most fantastic looking thing, but it’ll patch up the hole and all you’ll need to do is sand and paint.” She paused. “Although, if you wanna keep questioning my methods, I’d be more than happy to just leave it like this.”

Erin took that single ‘yup’ for what it was. Didn’t want to talk about it. Fair, she supposed. She didn’t know Marley all too well to be diving into those thoughts. But, then again, she had forced Erin to tap into her deepest, darkest nightmare of her own. “Indulge me,” she challenged, crossing her legs and settling against the closest wall, the hint of a smile still lingering on her lips. “It’s only fair, right?” Furrowed her brows at the dumbass comment, nodding along as she then continued to explain the process. Right. “See, this is why you build doors and I fill caskets. Please don’t leave. I’m obviously helpless,” she teased in return, smirking wider behind another sip.

“Obviously,” Marley repeated, rolling her eyes as she continued to cover the door with the wood plaster. She really, really wanted to ignore the prodding question, but if she did, she knew Erin would never drop it. Glancing back at her as she worked hunched over the door, Marley paused for a moment. “That whiskey must be giving you some unfound courage,” she said before looking away again. “Nothing to tell. My mime self clone whatever tried to kill my date, so I killed it. Then, on a completely separate occasion, someone else’s extremely angry and strong mime self decided my arm shouldn’t be in its socket. We killed it, end of story.” Stopped, sitting back a moment to face Erin and take another sip of her drink. “Indulged?”

It was hard to hide the smirk on her lips when Erin felt Marley starting to cave, and remained smugly quiet through the entirety of her story. “See? Was that so hard?” She tilted her head at Marley, nudging her slightly with her foot. As terrified as Erin had originally been of the nightmare machine on their first visit, she could tell something changed. She wouldn’t be here, fixing her door and keeping her company otherwise. It was… not the worst? Her smile took a softer turn when her gaze dropped to the sling again. “Sorry about your arm though,” she said more seriously. Not one, but two run-ins with these things? She wouldn’t wish that on anyone. “Guess I made out pretty lucky, all things considering?” She shrugged, pulling up her pant leg. The slice her mime-self made was shallow but long, enough to sting like a bitch every time she walked on it.

Marley didn’t like the smug way Erin was looking at her. It made her feel...exposed, and she frowned, furrowing her brow. “I think I might die,” she said in a monotone, before prodding the plaster to see if it was drying properly. It was, of course it was. She looked back at Erin over her shoulder, her arm giving a dull thud as if in response to her pity. “It’s fine, just a minor fracture. The worst part is the desk duty. Sarge won’t let me or Jane in the field until we’re healed up, which is just ridiculous. It’s obviously fine,” she said plainly, setting her tool down and turning to sit against the wall. “Door’s done, by the way. Easy fix. Just needs to dry, then you can sand and paint it in the morning.”

“Guess you’ve come to the right place,” Erin raised her brows at Marley with a smirk that didn’t want to quit. She knew that wasn’t because of the alcohol and sleep-deprivation. This whole thing was weirdly relaxing, watching the woman work. General, friendly(ish) bullshitting over whiskey. Marley was amusing in her own deadpan way. She could appreciate that. “Ah, shit,” Erin cringed, physically recoiling at the words ‘desk duty’. “I’d go absolutely nuts. No wonder you were so willing to come fix my door,” she smirked over at her, gently rising to her feet to get a better look at her craftsmanship. “Oh wow, that’s pretty damn good,” she said with a laugh, only a little bit surprised. Paint and sand. Sure. She’d get right on that tomorrow. Better yet, she’d get Rio on that. Smiling over at her, she gave Marley’s good arm a gentle nudge. “So, uh--is Jane the girl from the date where you earned that baby? Or the one before that? Tell me all about it over some hard earned tacos.”

“Yeah, I’m getting pretty stir crazy,” Marley answered honestly, “can’t even have a good lay with this stupid thing on cause it hurts too much.” Grumbled a little, draining her glass a second time. “I only do good work.” Marley glanced over at Erin, she couldn’t help but give a little smirk at her relentless teasing. She was taking Marley’s deadpan sarcasm well, too “Oh, no. No, no,” she said, shaking her head, “I don’t do dates, or dating. I’m a between the sheets only kinda gal.” She stood up, then, holding her good hand out for Erin. “Now, let’s get tacos. I believe I’ve earned them. And more whiskey. Always more whiskey.”

Erin almost spat out the last of her whiskey. So Marley was going to be willingly honest about that? “Yeah. What a bummer,” she nodded in agreement. “At least you know who you are and what you’re about?” She offered, taking Marley’s hand and waited a good moment before she was steady to lead them towards the kitchen. Thank god she planned ahead and cooked before she dipped into the Johnnie Walker and it sat on the stove, keeping warm. “Seriously, eat up. I didn’t know how much--uh, you guys ate, so I may have overcompensated a bit.” She shrugged naively, then made her own plate. Looked at the single, sad chair at her breakfast nook and froze for a second. Forgot she’d gotten rid of the full dinner set when she moved back in an effort to create more space. Glancing between it and Marley, she played it off with a laugh. “Yeah, I don’t date either, if that wasn’t obvious.” She led her towards the living room, taking a seat and hollered back. “Don’t forget the whiskey!”

“Hey, it is a bummer. It’s one of my favorite extracurriculars. And you’re not allowed to judge me for that,” Marley said with a huff, following her towards the kitchen. She picked up a plate and made some herself a taco. She wondered just how many normal people ate, but two seemed like a good number. She didn’t really get full or hungry in the way real people did. “Thanks,” she said, watching Erin’s gaze free on the single chair in her kitchen. “Yeah, seems so. Guess we have that in common, too,” she said, grabbing the whiskey and following her out to the living room instead. “So you’re not a dating gal or a laying gal? Then what do you do with other people? Please don’t tell me you only eat tacos with them.”

Erin shook her head as she munched on her taco. “No judgment! You do you, and whoever you wanna… do.” She gestured vaguely at Marley, smirking as she leaned forward to refill her cup. She shrugged, narrowing her eyes. “I mean, I do things--and people. I’m not a prude. I just work. Like, a lot. I’m on call basically every minute of the day. Makes it hard to really, uh, you know. Do that stuff.” She stuffed another mouthful between her lips, sinking further into the comfort of the couch. “Honestly, I don’t know how you have the time.”

“Trust me, I know,” Marley said, giving a nod and raising her glass to Erin’s thought before taking a hearty sip. “I’m a detective, my job is my life and my life is my job. So I gotta get my fun in while I can.” She took a bite of the tacos and decided they were actually pretty good, especially for human food. It reminded her of Jane’s cooking. She smiled a little. “I don’t sleep all that much,” she answered truthfully, finding it oddly easy to talk to Erin. “Quirk of being not human, I guess.”

Between the food and the whiskey, and the comfort of the couch, it was getting harder and harder to keep up appearances. “Fair,” Erin nodded, washing the taco down with more whiskey. “I have fun. I just--” She paused, trying to think of a legitimate activity she’d done that would constitute as fun. To Marley, anyway. She rested her head against the back of the couch, glancing out the dark window in deep thought. “I just can’t remember what,” she finally finished her thought with a laugh, and drowned the rest of those thoughts with more whiskey. Oh, right. “I drink?” She glanced over, the lull of sleep coming on hard and fast as the booze and food settled in.

“Sure,” Marley replied with a shrug, though there was a grin on her face. “If you can’t even remember what you do for fun, then maybe you need to get out and do more fun things.” She shook her head, drowning her next chuckle in whiskey. “Once all of this is over, let me take you out and show you how to have fun, okay? Just one night. And I won’t even flirt with you, promise.” She looked over at Erin, knew that look. The droopy eyes, the slumped body. Was she drunk already? “Unless you want me to. Your call.”

“I have fun,” Erin interjected weakly but the effort behind it was waning. “But I’ll take you up on that offer. I’m always down for more fun.” She took one last bite out of her taco before setting the plate down, along with her drink. The exhaustion was creeping in harder and faster than she could fight it now. “I have a feeling--” Her words muddled into a yawn and she closed her eyes once her head hit the back of the couch again. “You wouldn’t be able to stop yourself from flirting either way,” she smiled, but within seconds, she lost her fight and slipped into the sleep her body had been begging for days for, head rolling onto Marley’s shoulder.

Marley was lucky enough to see the inevitable coming and had managed to grab the whiskey bottle before Erin’s head hit her shoulder and she was out. Sighing, she half rolled her eyes. “I’m sure you have lots of fun,” she said, despite Erin being sound asleep on her. Unscrewed the lid from the whiskey bottle and took a big swig, settling back into the couch. It would be easy enough to push her over onto the other side of the couch and let her lay down, but Marley didn’t mind it all too much right now. Not since she had a bottle of whiskey to finish. Still, she seemed to be doing this a lot lately-- offering to help people for nothing in return. Staying just to help someone feel better. Maybe it was supposed to make her feel better, too, but so far, it just made her feel weird. She wasn’t supposed to need people. In fact, she didn’t need people. But, she reminded herself, there was no harm in this, was there? Being amicable with the person who helped her cover her tracks was, after all, a good idea. After a moment, she held the bottle up, looked down at Erin and said, “I’ll drink to that.”

[nadziejastar]

I think it was TOTALLY bastardized. Like, to the point where it was a joke. It would be funny if it weren’t so sad. The fact that a large portion of people didn’t even know what the power of waking was after they beat KH3, shows how poorly it was handled. This had a devastating effect on the story because unlocking and using the power of waking was the foundation of each character’s arc. The characters are all Guardians of Light, but it didn’t really seem to mean very much in KH3. Therefore, they had most of their important character development taken away from them. 

The power of waking was supposed to be the most important aspect of the plot. I suspect there are two major reasons that the power of waking was ruined. The first reason is that after KH0.5 was cancelled, it was very hard to incorporate. Ansem’s research was supposed to be a major focus of KH0.5. The second reason is that from a gameplay perspective, it is unconventional. Nomura said that he wasn’t even allowed to have each of the characters fight their OWN boss fights at the Keyblade Graveyard because that would be “too much story”. He had to keep it to the minimum necessary to move Sora forward. So, the demands of AAA gaming seem to be a big factor in why we weren’t allowed many “dive into the heart” segments.

Sora

Kairi’s Grandma: The darkness spread, swallowing the light and many people's hearts. It covered everything, and the world disappeared. But small fragments of light survived, in the hearts of children.

Sora was supposed to be the key. He’d use the power of waking on everybody at the end, because he was special. He has the pure heart of a child and the ability to easily connect with the hearts of others. He still rescues everyone when their hearts are captured by the Lich, but we probably were supposed to get a lot more story segments of him diving into each character’s heart one by one, and bringing them back. Sora’s relationship with them would receive individual attention.

Ansem the Wise: Surely we remember as children the way our hearts made everything seem so shiny, and perfect. Sora has a heart like that--uncorrupted, willing to see the good before the bad. When he sees the heart in something, it then becomes real. When a connection seems broken, he may have the power to mend it.

Sora actually did use the power of waking; he collected the fragments of someone and put them back together. But he uses this power on...himself? Um, it made no sense for him to be collecting the pieces of himself. The whole point of the power of waking is that when you are fractured, someone else has to help you return to the Realm of Light. I obviously can’t know this for sure, but I suspect that Nomura wasn’t allowed to have you play as anyone else during this segment. Just like at the Keyblade Graveyard, he had to keep everything to the minimum necessary to move the plot forward. Cutting the story up like this made it so that nothing really made sense.

Kairi

Sora: I was lost in the darkness. I couldn’t find my way. As I stumbled through the dark, I started forgetting things—my friends, who I was. The darkness almost swallowed me. But then I heard a voice—your voice. You brought me back.

Kairi: I didn’t want to just forget about you, Sora. I couldn’t.

Sora: That’s it! Our hearts are connected. And the light from our hearts broke through the darkness. I saw that light. I think that’s what saved me. No matter how deep the darkness, a light shines within. I guess it’s more than just a fairy tale.

Kairi was Sora’s light within the darkness, both in KH1 and CoM. I am quite confident that we were actually supposed to play as KAIRI while collecting the fragments of Sora in the Final World. And it was supposed to happen after Terra and Isa were defeated. There was no need to have time rewind. The Demon Tide doesn’t kill you. 

I mean, all it did to Riku physically was give him a stylish haircut. No, it exists to usher your heart to the deepest abyss. Kairi’s arc was set up so she could finally NOT be the damsel in distress. She is a natural at using the power of waking because she’s a Princess of Heart. She’s the only one Sora didn’t need to rescue. That should have been how her arc ended. Not with getting kidnapped and killed...

Riku and Mickey

Mickey: Listen, Riku. Just because darkness holds you, don't let go of who you are. You've got to fight the darkness inside you! It won't be easy to do, I know. But please don't forget. Even in the darkest darkness, there's always a little bit of light.

Riku: Light within darkness...

Mickey: You and I have seen it. The far welcoming light inside the door to darkness... The light of Kingdom Hearts---it will show you the way. Please don't give up. Believe in the light. That's a request from my heart.

Riku: Okay... I'll do my best.

Mickey: Trust me. I'll try to find a way to reach you. I'll get there, I promise.

I am sure that Riku and Mickey were supposed to use the power of waking on each other. Early on when they first arrive in the Realm of Darkness, Riku is swallowed up by the Demon Tide, and he was knocked unconscious. Well, getting swallowed up by the Demon Tide should do a LOT more to a person than that. At the Keyblade Graveyard, Aqua was terrified of the Demon Tide. She lost the will to fight when she saw it. It traumatized her that badly. 

Riku: There's no point in doing this if I can't do it on my own. But I do need a favor. If Ansem is the victor, he's going to enslave me. If that happens, use your powers to destr---

Mickey: O'course! I'll be right there to save ya!

Riku: Huh? No that's not it. I want you to destr---

Mickey: No way! No matter what happens, I'm gonna be right there to help ya. I promise ya that. Unless...you don't believe I'll come through for ya...

Riku: I choose to believe in you---always, Your Majesty.

Mickey: And I in you. You're not gonna lose, I know it.

Riku should have gotten a lot more than a new haircut after that ordeal. I bet that Mickey was supposed to use the power of waking on Riku after he was swallowed up by the Demon Tide. This should have been when Riku finished his arc with “Ansem”. After all, Riku gets a new Keyblade afterwards, one without the gazing eye on it. 

Mickey: Your darkness belongs to you. Just the same way your light does. Up till now, I thought darkness was something that should never exist. Then I spent time with you and changed my mind. The road you chose---I didn't know. Light and dark, back to back. With you, I think they might meet in a way nobody's seen before. Wonder where that road leads. I'd like to see myself.

Riku: Hm?

Mickey: I'd like to walk the road with ya.

Mickey was randomly knocked unconscious during the battle with Anti-Aqua. He carried a lot of personal guilt over her fate. I think that would have been Riku’s turn to use the power of waking on Mickey.

Ventus/Roxas

Eraqus: Forgive me…but you must exist no more.

Nomura originally said Roxas was born with Ventus’s heart. So, he would be very difficult to wake up because he’s gone through his worst nightmare multiple times. His heart almost collapsed, and he lost all his memories. Sora gave him a second chance, then Eraqus, Terra, and Aqua helped him recover. But then he was told he was a weapon that wasn’t supposed to exist. He would rather sacrifice himself than lose Terra or Aqua, so he accepts his fate to disappear. He loses everything, then goes back to sleep inside of Sora. When Sora became a Heartless, Ventus became separated from him and he was found by Xemnas. He became Roxas.

Roxas: I mean, when I think of losing you and Xion, or my memories of you...to forget what it’s like to be with my friends… it is scary.

Roxas has no memories of his past, but becomes close to Axel and Xion. But he’s a Nobody who is constantly told that he’s not supposed to exist. His greatest fear was losing his friends or forgetting about them. Xion disappears and he forgets her, and he loses his trust that Axel was ever his friend in the first place. Then Riku defeats him, he has all of his memories wiped, and is put into the data Twilight Town. There he becomes close to Hayner, Pence, and Olette.

Naminé: You…you were never supposed to exist, Roxas.

Roxas: What…? How could you even say such a thing…even if it were true?

Naminé: I’m sorry. I guess some things really are better left unsaid.

Then he’s told he was never supposed to exist, so he’ll never get to see those friends again. They were just fake anyways. He has to disappear so Sora can live. The third time is just too much for him and that’s when he went to the Realm of Sleep and didn’t want to come back. He endured a lot before he reached his absolute breaking point. At that point, he would be far too fractured to be brought back like before, where Terra and Axel just needed to reach out and show him friendship. Xemnas thought his heart might awaken when Axel sacrificed himself for Sora. But even that wasn’t enough. There’s no reason he should have returned as easily as he did in KH3. 

Terra and Aqua

Terra: Yep, hard to believe there are so many worlds out there besides our own. The light is their hearts, and it's shining down on us like a million lanterns.

Ven: What? I don't get it.

Terra: In other words, they're just like you, Ven.

The Wayfinder Trio was obviously supposed to use the power of waking on each other. Sora was supposed to awaken the sleeping memories inside of him. Since he would have access to Ven’s memories and feelings, he’d be able to use the power of waking to rescue Aqua. When Aqua was revived, they went to wake Ventus. Vanitas arrives and there’s a boss fight. Whaddya know, Aqua gets randomly knocked unconscious. This is right after she says she doesn’t want to be seen as weak, too. This is no doubt when she was supposed to use the power of waking on Ventus. 

Yen Sid: I will tell you what your friend needs right now. It is not your protection. He needs you to believe. You see, Ventus's heart hangs in the balance. It sleeps in the place between light and darkness. From all I can perceive, that means he will be looking for a friend--one who believes in him, to show him the way home. Just as long as you love him...then Ventus will be able to find you when he wakes. He can follow that love back to where he belongs--the realm of light.

Just as Vanitas was going to stab Aqua like he almost did in BBS, Ventus intervenes. That was the right stimulus to awaken his heart. Hayner, Pence, and Olette may have helped, too. They would get their memories of Roxas back, and them believing would contribute to Ventus being led back to the Realm of Light. Then of course, Ventus would be the one to use the power of waking on Terra. Ven was randomly knocked unconscious at the Keyblade Graveyard. Well, I doubt that was a coincidence. He was supposed to be inside of Terra’s heart, where he’d find him in the darkness. Terra was crying when he said Ven found him. I’m sure the search for Terra’s heart was going to be a lot more in-depth than what we saw, which was very rushed. Lea and Isa’s subplot with the power of waking was so horrendous, it needs it own post. So that will be Part 2.

[rosaliamorais]

a guide to eventually getting framed for murder by the police, probably, as told by rosa.

mentioned: @ivyleagves, @holdenwoodz, @figurchead

Part One ( You. )

Do you have any criminal history? Anything big or small that you want to make us aware of?

“No.” The answer is a little too quick, a little too panicked to seem entirely true. Her nerves are shot, her blood is laced with caffeine. She can’t stop shaking; hopefully they chalk it up to her anxiety. That is, after all, a major part of why she can’t seem to sit still, her usual decorum is lost-- forgotten and left to rot on the forest floor, just as she had been. Just as she’d learned Nathaniel had been. That thought churns her stomach, brings a welling of tears to her eyes. She squeezes them shut for just long enough to clear her vision and not a second more. Closing them for too long is a mistake. Trying to force herself into falling asleep for the past two nights was enough proof of that. Even still, her quick answer boiled down to mostly being about the fact that the other twenty-nine students involved in this case now knew her deepest, darkest secret. Unfortunately for some of the police officers in this very precinct, they knew it too. They just hadn’t needed the blog to tell them. “I have no criminal record. I’d be pretty stupid to pursue law, if that were the case.”

How have you spent the few weeks back at college? What have they been like?

An incredulous gaze lifts from the place her hands are fidgeting on the table, brows furrowing as she tilts her head. “Are you kidding me?” A breathy laugh, cold and unamused. “I’ve spent them in total fear, Elaine.” She says the name with the venomous taste of condescension on her tongue, only to turn to the younger officer immediately after, her expression puzzled. “You’re sure you want to work here, Mikey? I’m pretty sure you’d be better off training under Starsky and Hutch.” The girl who would’ve come into this interview all of a week ago was nowhere to be found amidst her foul temperament and biting remarks today. In spite of the current state of affairs surrounding her reputation, Rosa had always been respectful to the right authorities, even if she felt they were undeserving. 

The person answering these questions retained nothing of that polite, well-mannered mask. “They’ve been horrifying. One day I’m celebrating making it to my senior year, the next I’m worrying about whether or not any of the people who knew Daisey were going to see graduation.” A faux-thoughtful expression crosses her face before she speaks again. “Oh, and then the local police force decided to keep us all on lock-down, like we’re kindergartners on a field trip. And would you believe that it didn’t help anything at all, because four of us went missing under their oh-so watchful eyes? One of us were even murdered? The second one in a month? I don’t know. Maybe, if you ignore all of that crap, it’s been a great last year before for law school.”

Part Two ( Daisey. )

How did you know Miss. Rutherford? What was the nature of your relationship?

“We barely associated. We had a few petty arguments now and then; academic rivals, I suppose.” You guys aren’t asking the right questions. This won’t help anything. The thoughts nearly tumble from her careless lips, only kept back by Rosa’s tightly clenched jaw. “She was a cruel and vindictive sociopath, but I’m sure you’ve gathered that much. Even with your way of investigating. Point is, I didn’t care about her until she went missing. I was just focused on getting into Harvard. I don’t have the time to spare on actively hating someone. Other than being a snarky annoyance, Daisey wasn’t on my radar. Everyone was on hers, though. Girl had no life aside from getting off to the sound of people crying.”

Do you remember where you were the night Daisey went missing? If so, where were you? What were you doing? Who were you with?

“I was at Oz Lamar’s party, same as basically everyone else at St. E’s. I spent part of the night with my gi-- my friend, Ivy Westbrook. We did shots together, I got super drunk, and then I met Holden Woods and we became besties in the bathroom.” She produced her phone in order to scroll through several of their blurry, intoxicated pictures together. “These span over an hour. So, clearly I was having the time of my life, I guess.” At least the change of subject subdued her sudden temper, her demeanor visibly simmering down.

Did you notice anything strange about Daisey’s behavior the night she went missing? Did you notice anything suspicious about anyone else you ran into that night?

“All I remember of Daisey that night is seeing her dry humping someone who was definitely not her fiance.” That’s all she plans to say, before she decides to tell them more before they can demand it. “I saw her making out with someone else. I don’t know who it was, because I’d assumed it was the guy-- is his name Octopus? No, that’s stupid. I don’t know.” She takes a second to collect her thoughts, lips pursed in her concentration. “Anyway, I thought it was him. Clearly, I didn’t want to be privy to a peep show, so I ran through the hall. That’s when I ran into the poor guy. Completely unaware Daisey was hooking up with someone else.”

Where were you the night Daisey’s body was recovered?

“I heard while I was in the grocery store. Everyone around me started talking about it, and someone turned on the TV. Everyone in the store just stopped and stared, horrified. No one wanted to believe it. Regardless of what kind of person she was, she didn’t deserve to die.” Rosa can still recall the look on every single stranger’s face that day. “It was so... quiet in there after the broadcast went off. Not another word was spoken, like an infinite moment of silence.”

How familiar are you with the Ashmont woods? Have you been there often? Have you recently ventured out here? If so, why?

“Fuck you.” She pushes her chair back with a deafening screech of the legs against the floor, poised to get up and leave. An empty gesture, apparently, since she stays in her seat. The room is blending together now, her eyes trying to find something to anchor her to the room, to remind her of where she is. Each of her hands find the lining of her seat, her white-knuckled grip doing nothing to help. She finds herself breathing in uneven patterns, heart palpitating as she tries to distract herself. This is pathetic: one mention of the woods and she’s unraveling, spiraling into a panic attack faster than she’s ever done so before. She’s avoiding either officer’s gaze out of humiliation, unwilling to ask for help. The sound of her own voice calling out that night, begging for a savoir, is an echo in her mind. The concrete floor of the police station suddenly looks a lot like the blood-riddled leaves coating the ground in the Ashmont woods.

You’re okay, you’re safe, you’re here. The voice reminding her of her safety isn’t her own. It’s Ivy’s, gentle and careful and warm, the same words she’d woken up to, after being pulled from a nightmare on the night they spent together. The memory slowly overtakes the one Rosa’s trapped in, the rough edges of the treeline enveloping her smoothing out, fading back into the recesses of her mind as she concentrates on breathing. Her relief is palpable as the comfort of home brings her back to her senses slowly, allowing her to melt into the chair once again. A hand covers her eyes as Rosa motions for the questions to continue and clears her throat. “I’m intimately familiar with the depths of that forest, considering how you and your incompetent officers nearly let me die there, thanks for reminding me.” She broke her words in order to pull in a deep sigh, the only thing keeping her from crying being her adamant desire not to deal with these people for a second time. “I don’t want a break, I’m fine. Keep asking your stupid fucking questions, because I’m not coming back for another one of these.”

Part Three ( the Investigation. )

Do you have feelings towards the investigation? Any comments?

“Just one,” Rosa takes a moment to steady herself before she looks the lead detective in the eye once again, defiance scribbled across her features, jaw set. “Do better before someone finds dead student number three in some storage building.”

Do you have any people you feel the police should look into? Please, let us know who and why.

It’s getting increasingly difficult to answer these inane inquiries, and her expression shows it. “I guess the fiance. I wouldn’t be happy if I found out the girl I was engaged to was sleeping with other people. I don’t know if he knew, so I’d break that to him gently. Daisey was a good liar.”

Part Four ( Weekly Events. )

Where were you kidnapped from? What do you remember of your abduction?

She’s moving uneasily in her chair once again, the only thing holding her facade together the mantra she’s still repeating in her head. Nerves make it hard for her to be angry, the rage from a few moments ago swapped out with unease, her hands back to wringing together, her foot beginning to tap against the floor. “I don’t remember any of that. Doctors said I could’ve blocked it out, or something, but I can’t even remember waking up that morning. As far as I’m concerned, that entire day is gone.”

What details do you recall from the time you were captured to the time you were released?

“Details?” Rosa’s disapproving scoff is half-hearted now, as she fights to recall the fuzzy memories in as calculating a way as possible. She couldn’t-- wouldn’t-- freak out again. “There aren’t details. At least, not for me. I couldn’t see, couldn’t hear, couldn’t speak. I was awake for all of it, and I couldn’t even get the blindfold off.” The tears that’d made such a fuss trying to escape her eyes are finally streaming freely down her face, but she’s too preoccupied to notice. “My arms were tied down to a chair,” her hands instinctively gravitated to the burns on her wrists, “and my legs were tied together. My mouth, um, was duct taped… and… there were these headphones on me. Noise cancelling, I guess, unless whoever took me was a monk.” She swallowed past the growing lump in her throat, eyes searching the table in front of her as she went on. “They fed me this disgusting-- I guess soup? And gave me water twice a day. They were always wearing gloves, so I don’t even know if they had long fingernails.”

Did you learn anything about your kidnapper? Any facial details, an accent, any knowledge that you can share to help police in their investigation?

Her irritability resurfaces at lightning speed as she realizes how little she’s being listened to. A spark of recognition lights her face up, jaw dropping as she wiped her cheeks in a fervor. “Wait, no, I remember it. I remember everything.” Shaking hands ushered for the detective to grab her pen and paper. “Write this down, hurry-- before I forget again.” Rosa nods to herself as she begins to recount everything she knows. “It was a man, stocky build. He had white hair, and… it was spiky. A dark goatee, with a little light patch right in the middle. I couldn’t see his eyes, because he was wearing these thin, plastic, black sunglasses.” She clapped once, as if in celebration. “And every time he came to give me food, he pulled my headphones off just enough for me to hear him scream FLAVORTOWN! as he poured it down my throat.”

“Oh, wait, that’s Guy Fieri. I guess I didn’t miraculously remember anything since the last time I answered that, two minutes ago.”

Were you aware of any of the other kidnap victims when you were taken? Do you have any information or insight into the death of Nathaniel Ballantyne?

“I thought I was the only one until I heard people talking about the others. I had no idea there were more of us. I don’t even know if we were in the same place.” She stands up with her shoulders straight, the clothes she’d tried to sleep in still hanging freely off her figure. “As fun as this was, I’m going to go back to bed and do my very best to remember every detail of my excruciating days in hell so you can ultimately waste it on your corkboard and red string investigative approach. See you when the next round of people die, yeah?” With that, she takes her graceful leave.

[low-budget-korra]

The Legend Of Korra_Book One : “That’s Dark”

So reviewing TLOK made me not only caught up in the nostalgia of this wonderful and special animated show but also reflected on the journey not only from Korra but also from all Team Avatar.

 (Remembering that all this is just my opinion and some of the various interpretations that I have about the show)

 Book 1 is in my opinion the second best of TLOK and the darkest of all.

And reviewing I think I've noticed why.

Book One is the most "real" of all. All the problems there can be seen in the most different societies.

We have an ideological political clash in an environment where segregation between benders and non-benders is still a reality.

I think the whole atmosphere of Republic City is more dark , so at the very beginning we are introduced to those problems that I honestly think we can all understand. Fear of violence, lack of confidence in figures who hold power, a "savior" who appeals to the fear of this population and take's power, conspiracies for power, politics shit , social inequality , etc

Problems that are real at a international  level. I here in Brazil can feel and understand this in the same way as a person who whatch’s the show in Canada. I think 

Not to mention the urban colors and shades of grey and brown more saturated and not so bright (especially at night) , showing that the city is kind of a trap, something “Too good to be true." Its beautiful and scary at the same time.

So we have Korra, who in book one has 17 years (the same age as I when i started to watch the series) and as it is visible in her’s first moments, is that she has the “spirit of a kid”.

I think the expression "kid's mind in a Woman's Body" can define the Korra in Book One. She is naive, immature, spoiled, a bit arrogant, very self-confident, playfull...

I think it was one of the things that enchanted me in her and undoubtedly was what made me connect with her, because I was also, especially,  naive as she.

Korra comes with the glare for just being at Republic City, that childish naivete of thinking that everything will work fine, without consequences.

And it is precisely when she, for the first time, is confronted with the possible consequences of the  fight that she has just entered, she breaks. But before we talk more about Korra, let's talk about her nemesis here, Amon.

 Amon is a white and heterosexual man representing the patriarchy .... lmao im joking, or not...

Anyway, Amon ... The way he uses to subjugate and dominate his enemies, the violation he makes to achieve this ... I find it almost impossible not to parallel this with cases of sexual violence. Amom takes some of these people for himself, he forces something into them, they get devastated and depressed after losing the benders to him and also they look kinda of feeling humiliated by that.

So we have the terrible and beautiful  episode :"The Voice in the Night". Here we see  this 17 year old girl, absolutely terrified by the idea of ​​confronting this man who must be in his late 30′s.

I think that when Korra saw what Amon was capable of , it was the first time in her life when she felt truly afraid. And for us girls, being afraid of a man, especially when walking alone in the night , sadly still is a reality.

Anyway, going back to the show ...

After being coerced to fight on the front line against the Equalists for Tarrlok ( I will speak of him soon), Korra gains confidence and in her naiveness, invites Amon to a duel.

Amon not only arrives late as he is disloyal and does not come alone. An adult man ambushes a 17-year-old girl in a dark place with the help of his crew ... Man, this is dark ! And all the lighting and animation of the final scenes of the episode are excellent because it resembles more a horror story than a kid’s show.

The way they hold her on her knees, making her so small in comparation to him, who looks even more frightening. But not only this, because “be on knees” historically and culturally associated with submission and she was forced to be in that position. The way Amon holds her face makes it clear that the avatar was totally impotent since her rival had already crossed the “touch barrier” by touching her face.  The Touch for many people is something intimate and touch someone face is not only something more intimate but also associated with caring and love. And this motherfucker just crossed this line 

Amon accepted the challenge with the goal of destroying the Avatar independent of who she was. And thats terrible and scary, but also, so real for so many people.

After he leaves, Tenzin arrives and  ask if everything is okay and all. Korra then says that she still has her bendings and finally opens with him over her fears as she cries in his arms.

Then after, we have an episode more focused on love triangle and comedy. Cause its a kids show right?

 How will Korra deal with Amon now that she has already lost the first battle?

Honestly I dont think she overcame her fears there, I think she just buried them for the greater good that was defeating him. Something like “im scared as fuck but im gonna do it anyway”. And you need to be brave to do that

And after losing her bendings to the enemy in the final episode, when her worst nightmare comes true , she has nothing left to lose. And in desperation to save her friend and crush from going through what she had just been through, Korra discovers she can airbend. And this new wave of confidence makes her defeat Amon at his own game, exposing him as the fraud he is. But is that enough? I see later that she still suffering for losing all the other bendings, she’s still broken until Avatar Aang pass by to say “hey” and give her all the bendings back

(This scene had me on tears)

Tarrlok is a character that I just did not like. And guys since he saw Korra, he directed all the attention to her.

Of course he wanted to use her to climb the ladder and take Republic City's political power for himself. But seriously ... I know that maybe you find yourself thinking "Damn, you will put sexual subtext and sexual interpretation where they do not have". But listen to me.

Tarrlok is an older man who does not accept Korra’s "no" for his partnership proposals.

Then we have the episode where her confrots him by the arrest of her friends. Of course Tarrlok used the bloodbend on her cause she was ready to burn his ass down.

And it is logical that he would disappear with her so she does not unmask him to everybody. Now, though it seemed like something got at the moment, Tarrlok had it all ready. The place where Korra would be taken  and where he kept her arrested .

Of course, the most obvious answer is that the place might have been prepared to receive Amon, though he did not know that he was a bender so he did not need that metal box because a normal cell would work, but with all that happened , Tarrlok had this change of plans. I think he may think that she could bring problems to his plans and the let this as plan B

But then an now unmasked and hunted by Republic City police force and just before Amon invades the place, he tells Korra that he will run away and that he will take her as his hostage.

But why? If he had hated her for ending his plans, he could just leave her there to die of hunger / thirst. Not to mention that, Korra would definitely fight and delay him in his escape, so why take her ?

Another thing, Amon wouldnt hurt Korra, he doesnt even saw her as a person, he only saw the symbol, the Avatar and that must be destroyed but all costs. Tarrlok in other hand wants to use the symbol but also know the person behind, he knows the 17old Korra and would hurt her if he has to.

The politics, the intimidation, the haressament, the fear, the power dinamics between those 3 characters...

 **

Mako and Bolin do not have much development in book One . Mako is the love interest and Bolin is the comic relief.

 **

Asami has a very remarkable moment. She has to choose between her father and what is right.

And the Fire Ferrets certainly helped her in that choice. Especially Mako, Asami's mother was killed by benders, probably fire benders cause they kinda murder people parents sometimes, and Mako is a firebender. So relating to him might have knocked over all the rest of prejudice and anger she may have for benders until that.

This arc between Asami and her father is also about the loss of innocence. In that case, lose the innocence of thinking that our parents cant be bad people.

And even more, from then on, Asami is shaped much more like someone who makes right choices in difficult times, even if those choices are heart-breaking.

 **

Tenzin leaves his comfort zone. He will train Korra, who is someone who almost totally contradicts who he is. And right away, we see that he is an excellent teacher. All your patience, your diplomacy is inspiring and will certainly help to make Korra the most conscientious and mature woman at the end of book four.

He also has tough choices, and shows himself steadfast in them, doing everything to protect his family and friends.

 **

Lin, there's a moment I think is incredible. When she sacrifices herself to save Tenzin's family. Lin does not flee the fight. Just like her mother, she is determined in her goals. And we have more depth development  in Book 3.

**

In another post i will talk about the book Two cause this is already too big.

So i believe one of the main sub themes or simple stuff that i can see on book One is the Loss Of Innocence 

[asreadbydana]

The Darkest Minds Series | Reading Reactions

Hey guys! I decided that in preparation for the new book coming out at the end of July I would (finally) read The Darkest Minds series by Alexandra Bracken. I also thought, hey, why don't I post my reactions while I'm reading it? And so that's what I'm going to do! I'll be adding to this post with my thoughts as I work my way through the series. Feel free to keep up with it if you are interested 😊

The Darkest Minds

Update #1

Thrown right into the story, ok!

I can't even imagine how scary it would be to have children dying at such an extreme rate

The way the children are treated in this is just a little too real.

Alright Alexandra, the powers have intrigued me... I wonder why she chose the colors she did? And why is there never purple? Lol

So far, not too much has happened but I'm excited to see where the plot goes, although I have a good guess...

Update #2

First impression of Martin? DO. NOT. LIKE.

Well if that ain't the sketchiest memory to see when meeting a new person! Like, hi, I'm a murderer???? wtf

Ooohh, new friends!

And now it's time for some action! Finally got a glimpse of some of the powers. Yellows seem pretty scary tbh, nothing like Pikachu

Ok, yeah, definitely not Pikachu. Holy heck! If yellows can do that, I can't even imagine what oranges have done that's made the adults fear them so much (that was an odd sentence to read in my head lol fear the fruit!)

Update #3

Is it bad that I haven't read Watership Down so I don't really know what the significance is? Maybe I'll ask my brother, I know he's read it.

Also the whole sock exchange was very awkward and I'm impressed with the second hand embarrassment it gave me.

I'm glad Ruby and Chubs finally found some common ground! I mean, I understand Chubs' suspicion, but it's definitely a better group dynamic when THE CHARACTERS LIKE EACH OTHER. Just sayin'

The orange power is pretty crazy!

Okay, finally seeing what Ruby did to her parents was really sad, but also frustrating.

Hey look, they found the camp.

Yay, school! I hope if the world turns dystopian children will continue to do what they can to learn.

I was wondering when this guy was going to show up!

Tbh, not really feeling the romance. I think I'm just more interested in reading about friendships nowadays than about relationships. Maybe it will grow on me...

Update #4

This Clancy kid is kind of creepy. I definitely don't trust him.

OK wait, this better not turn into a love triangle, I swear...

Why am I not surprised that oranges are rare and oh so powerful?

Still sad about what happened to her parents

Does anyone else find Clancy's teaching sketchy? Like, yes Ruby, show him all your embarrassing memories and things you want kept private, nothing can go wrong there!

No, Zu is leaving us! Also, did we find out why she doesn't talk and I just missed it??

Fight, fight!! (But in all seriousness, calm down boys)

Give the girl a break, she hasn't had years to train and hone her skills like you, sheesh

Wow, way to bring new meaning to mind rape (p.s. I knew Clancy was a bad egg)

Ruby, sweetie, that's not gonna help

Would Liam have believed her if he didn't see/feel what happened?

Seriously?! In the last 2 chapters?? Dang, Alexandra Bracken. You really know how to play with my emotions!

Well, onto the next one...

Never Fade

Update #1

Right away we've got some new characters, alright cool

Oh, and the League is being sketchy yet again!

Were Vida's looks really that important to Ruby?

Jude seems sweet, kind of like a little brother

And we've got a lead on Liam! Knew he wouldn't be gone long 😜

Can I just say that it's so scary that in these dystopian novels the adults are always so willing to kill children? Like what the heck!?

Very unsure about Liam's brother...

I feel very unclear on what the League actually wants. Are they pro powers or against? Or are they just using the children with powers as a means to an end?

Update #2

Well they didn't stay there long!

I like that Ruby is more open to using her powers in this one. Embrace who you are!

The exchange with Andy is how I hope a lot of the adults in this world are feeling. Fear makes us do crazy things, but you can only justify it for so long.

🎶 Reunited and it feels so good 🎵

Well hello, Vida, you snake! Do I trust her? No. Am I supposed to? We'll see...

Another group of young adults abusing their power? You would think they'd want to stick together and help one another!

Update #3

Ick, do all the leaders have to use people in that way????

Whoa, finally seeing what Clancy was talking about in the last book is pretty crazy. I hope we learn more about what he did to the reds.

Ruby to the rescue! (Again)

Well they knew it would be a trap, but they went anyway

Holy heck, Jude has got some crazy skills and quick thinking! I'll say it again, yellows are not to be messed with!

That went bad fast!

Omg, is that the true power of an orange? Damn, Bracken, you know how to cause some nightmares.

Also, does anyone else get an uncomfortable feeling reading some sentences? Not even gory ones, but like, about digging nails into asphalt for example? When I read that I can picture myself doing it and let me just say, no thank you that is not a feeling I like!

Update #4

I'm curious how Internet and other connections even work when the world is so messed up. And how hackers can navigate them!

Ah, Clancy, we meet again. NOT nice to see you.

"I blew out the breath I didn't realize I had been holding" omg. Bracken has used some variation of this several times so far in this series and let me just say, I have noticed Every. Single. Time. Why is this concept/sentence so popular in YA, my gosh?

Wow that tunnel would make me claustrophobic!

Oh shit! That's the thing about oranges! When you are around them you can never really trust what you are seeing, ahhhh

"He let out the breath he'd been holding" really?? Again?? 😧

Ok, this professor has me intrigued. I can't wait to find out what Bracken set up as the reason the children have developed these powers.

Also, Cole? Didn't expect that!

Dang, who is that kid and where did he find the nerve!? So much for peace!

How was Ruby not smart enough to figure out that's what L.G. was doing as soon as she saw the research? I mean come on, that's pretty obvious.

Thanks for breaking my heart Bracken! The next book just won't be the same...

In the Afterlight

Update #1

Why is it that adults are always obsessed with money? And how come they never want to PROTECT the children who are different

Oh ok, I’m gonna be reminded of the sadness throughout this whole book, aren’t I?

I knew they were in California, but I didn’t even think about those other kids !!!!

Also, can I just say, poor Chubs and breaking his glasses. I feel you, bro.

Update #2

Why can’t Cate just accept that Ruby and the others are right?! Ugh!

I was waiting for Vida to display her true emotions. But to think that Ruby doesn’t care? She’s obviously not very observant.

Brothers, eh? Can’t live with ‘em… that’s about it lol

I wonder what the government hides from us in regards to other countries…

I don’t understand why Cole doesn’t just tell Liam? Would it really be so bad?

Truth: I’m still not feeling the romance. And I could do without the kissing scenes.

There’s that darned Watership Down again

Clancy is still such a mystery. I get why he’d want to embrace his powers, but doesn’t he also want to know why he got them?

Chubs and Vida get to spend some quality time~

Ok, no more sparring matches you two!!

Update #3

Those poor kids. Afraid even to be rescued.

Why did Liam hide this from Ruby???? Maybe she would have been a bit more open to it had he been honest.

Also, don’t like the reporter lady.

Omg! Zu!!!!

I can’t believe people think it’s fake? Why would children lie about those kinds of things?

Ah, yes, the red army.

Again, don’t like Alice.

Finally Cole! Was it really so hard?

Ok, this is sad but I totally care more about the side romantic relationship than I do the main one. I just don’t see their chemistry, honestly. It seems like it’s more a relationship of convenience than feeling.

Man, another one? Come on, Bracken, why you gotta do that to us?

I was wondering why the sleepwalking was relevant… not the answer I would have wanted, but alas

Update #4

Still going through with the plan, huh, Ruby?

I guess it makes sense that you can erase memories but not feelings. And that Sam would have images once Ruby’s influence was gone

Wow that wrapped up quickly

Tbh, even though he was horrible, it sucks Clancy had his ability to choose taken from him

Family reunion ♡ not so sad anymore!

Where do they go from here…?

[absurdist-void]

Totally understand if you'd rather not share the details, but if you're okay sharing, what the heck is up with your stalker!? I assume you know them given the names in your bio, but like how did this situation arise? Why are they stalking you? From what you've posted they sound freaky... I'm sorry you're dealing with that :<

They were a former friend of mine that I had to block out of my life because we share completely opposite politics. I just can’t be friends with people who value wealth and status quo over human life. I can’t be friends with liberals or other right wing individuals.

The other reason is that they often defended the entity Samael. I don’t know what “Samael” is, whether he be the darkest parts of the collective unconscious or an independent spiritual entity, but I couldn’t be around someone that constantly talked about and defended a thing that raped and tormented me almost every single night in nightmares when I was trying to work my way through getting rid of it. To me, it felt like spending time with someone that still wanted to be friends with my rapist and constantly talked about how mystical and great he is. I can’t be around people that know him or talk about him. It was turning me into an even more reactive, angry, feral person. It pushed my stress levels to the max and everything felt like fight or flight. It did not make me a better person.

Fortunately, since I’ve distanced myself from these people, I’ve become stronger and more able to fight back whatever this creature is.

I can’t really speak for her motivations in reading my blog constantly, but I suspect it’s some sort of spiritual thing. When we spoke, she talked about how I looked just like the Lilith she knew. And she was in love with Lilith because she’s Eve? Idk.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she thinks I cursed her or something despite me not even believing in cursing and non-psychological magic.

She and her friend, Misha, constantly look through my tags related to Samael and other spiritual topics.

This stresses me out because as a teenager, I had a person that would take everything I said about my experiences and would go and immediately say that they had the exact same experiences and that they could see my own memories. It was wild. They were basically taking my own dreams that my brain conjured up, and claimed them as their own. It was nuts. It’s like a weird way of stealing intellectual property. People are legitimately weirdos. Imagine stealing someone’s DREAMS.

Anyway, she once followed my twitter and then when I messaged her, she blocked me lol. I offered multiple times for her to talk to me and tell me what she wants, but she never took up the offer and just reads my blog constantly.

Honestly feels like I’m trying to escape a Samael cult lol.

I unfollowed and blocked most spiritual blogs except for a few people I talk to because I’m just done with all of it. I’m done.

[debbieker-blog]

Swimming pool chronicles  Chapter 2  (with @ladykatdempsey )

(( Just another fic because I love Kat and I have so much fun Rping with her! <33 Enjoy! )) 

After a long night of nightmares and over thinking, I woke up willing to start a new week following the original plans I have discussed with myself the night before. It was already late to go for a run, so I had a quick breakfast in my room, then I put on my swimsuit and sandals, got ready to go for a swim and made my way to the pool, not without taking some candies from my night table drawer, the ones my maids get for me every day.

When I arrived at the pool, I saw someone sitting on a chair with the sun on her face, trying to read a book and looking really confused by it

I put my towel on the chair beside hers and scoffed “Do you ever leave this place or?” The last time I talked to Kat was when we argued in this exact place and we both end up in the pool running our grown dresses. I guessed she spends a lot of time in here.

She lowers her book and rolled her eyes at me “No, I keep waiting for you to come push me in again. I was so charmed by that” She lifted the book again covering her face with it.

“Well, I’m always tempted to push you, not gonna lie” I confessed sucking on my lollipop. I wasn’t on the mood for an argument, so I decided to keep the mood calm, but knowing her I wasn’t sure how much longer will that last. I extended a lollipop to her “Do you want one?”

“You really are a girl scout!” She said leading her head back. I rolled my eyes at her silly joke. I was about to put the lollipop away but before I could she stretched her arm and grab it. After all, bitter people like candies too.

“Maybe I am, but at least scout girls don’t go around pretending to read books!” I laughed mockingly “I bet you still are on the first page of that one” I actually had seen her caring that book for some days now, always making the same face at it; clearly it was giving her hard times. Why was she even tying anyway?

She scoffed “I am almost finished, I’ll have you know… but yes, I did wonder if I wasn’t holding it upside down or something for a second. Shakespeare and I don’t talk the same language” She shook her head in confusion.

This time I had to agree with her, I remember when my brother gave me King Lear to read and I read the first chapter three times before I dropped it. Sometimes I think that Shakespeare didn’t want us to understand his books. “Yeah… I know what you mean, that’s why I don’t even try” I laughed.

“Yeah, I skipped practically all of my literature classes as a kid” She chuckled at the memory.  Suddenly a grin appeared in her face, that’s when I knew the next sentence was going to be an annoying one “…So, you treated Dom on a lollipop as well on your date? Must work like a charm. Or maybe the other way around…”

How did we go from her literature classes to my date with Dom so quickly?! Plus, what makes her think I’m going to tell her any details about it? Of course, she’s only asking to irritate me and turns out I can play that game too. “Nah, no lollipops involved … I had a lot of fun, though. He gave me a little tour around the palace, that’s all” I answered smiling. “What about yours? Wait… I’m not sure for which prince I’m asking this” I smirked leaving my towel on my chair and sitting by the pool with my feet inside the warm water

She rolled her eyes annoyed. Even though I haven’t mentioned any name, I knew exactly which name crossed her mind and remained unmentioned “Just Dommy boy, and it was fine” She shrugged uninterested “…Nothing special much, besides me being a great surfer, that is all”

I jumped inside the pool and submerged completely in it resurfacing immediately. The moment, I heard the word surfer I shocked. “YOU, surfed with Dom?!! …” I muttered a WOW “Someone is going to be mad” I didn’t want to be a meddler, but it must be hard to handle that your cousin dated the girl you have feelings for and they did what you love the most.

“I don’t… I mean…” She grunted “Just shut up!”

I smiled and shook my head trying to understand. Even when I think she has the darkest soul and the tiniest heart I was sure she didn’t do it on propose. It must be hard for her as well not being able to date the guy she really wants to be with. She hasn’t even confessed that yet. I know I wanted to annoy her, but I regretted it, so I had to go back to talk about my date to distract her.  “Anyway … Dom gave me a tour around the palace in rollerblades” I said chuckling at how crazy the idea sounds every time I say it.

“Rollerblades?” She raised an eyebrow surprised “He was up for that?”

I laughed remembering every detail of our date “Well… it was kind of an unexpected idea, I didn’t plan it” I didn’t want to tell her the tour was because I still get lost at the palace after all these weeks leaving here, that would have been like giving guns to the enemy. “…I’m not sure if he liked it, though… but I had a lot of fun! I smiled

“Hmm… Well that’s… the most important thing, I guess. I think all these girls expect to fall in love with him, just because he’s a Prince.” She acknowledged

I felt uncomfortable at the mention of love and prince in the same sentence. I didn’t want to go back to the nightmare of thoughts I had the night before, so I looked away avoiding the subject.  “True … yeah… “So, what about some surf classes?? I know I’m not your favorite but … I can … eventually, pay you for them” I pressed my lips together hoping for a miracle, but I was ready for a negative answer as well

She sighed “I would… you know just for the money, but I don’t really have access to a board right now”.  I didn’t know if I should believe that, but I did

“What happened to your board?” I asked curious.

“Still at home. I actually… borrowed boards so far…” She answered looking a little disappointed for the situation. I think it would have been uncomfortable to travel with a surfboard, but still she could have brought it in that way she would be surfing right now instead of trying to read Shakespeare

“How fortunate that there’s a royal surfer, right? because if it wasn’t, you probably wouldn’t be able to … borrowed any boards” I said smirking.

She rolled her eyes again annoyed, picking the book in front of her face again either to ignore my insinuations of Evan.  “Whatever”

I laughed. I just founded funny the way she keeps trying to deny her feelings, even when they are so evident and Evan is doing the exact same thing. They are only prolonging the inevitable.

“… is Dom a good surfer, then or? I asked changing the subject.

“Not as good as me, but not bad” She presumed and lowered her book a little looking at me. “So, you could ask him to teach you, then you wouldn’t have to pay”

“Hmmm… I asked you because you are the expert, but yeah… maybe I should ask him” I said thoughtful. That wasn’t a bad idea, it certainly could be another opportunity to … learn that sport.  

Kat raised an eyebrow at me “I could be wrong, but… you don’t seem to be very enthusiastic about him, huh?”- That might be because I’m trying hard not to. – My smile disappeared for a second. I thought to myself; and that when it hit me. Was I reacting in the same way that she was? Even though our cases are TOTALLY different, I mean we all know Evan likes her, but I still wonder if she was having the same inside battles… When I talked to her about fears, was I talking from my own experience?

I opened my mouth to say something but I hesitated, I had to be careful with my word, because I couldn’t her with the truth, even if I could she wouldn’t care, but a lie wouldn’t be safe either.

“Well… you don’t seem very enthusiastic about anything at all! Although, I know better… maybe we have the same reasons, maybe WE are not so different after all” I sighed “… or you could be wrong. Choose one” I smiled again, knowing that if I was right about her she wouldn’t dare to confess it to me, but also she would not admit she was mistaken.

She frowned, and thought about my words for some seconds, then she put the book down completely to face me, crossing her arms “That’s cute, you think you know me?” She smirked

“Hmm… I’m just a good observer. And I said may-be” I acknowledged and laid down on the water to swim faced up

“And I say I - don’t – think – so … Most likely”

“I guess time will tell” I said winking at her

She raised her eyebrows at me “Oh you’re winking now? Getting a little overconfident or am I just too charming?”

I laughed remembering I saw the same reaction in Dom several times at our date; after I flirted and before I rocked for him. It was kind of funny “I got that expression a lot around here! am I that … surprising or?”

“No, don’t worry. You’re just weird” Kat smirked again. I already knew that, I even warned everyone about it on my interviews before arriving here, but I have never mind being weird, I would mind being normal.

“Huh, I will take that as a compliment” I said. I jumped out of the pool and start drying my hair and body with my towel to get back inside, otherwise I would be here arguing with her forever.  

“Which makes you a weirdo” She picked her book again to continue … reading

“Look who’s talking …” I muttered.  Kat and I weren’t exactly friends, but if there’s something I liked about her was that she wasn’t normal either. And she knew it

“I would say I’m quite normal thank you.” … And denies it.  “Good hearing too” She lifted the book in front of her face

“Sure, you are” I said smirking. I will let you read now, maybe in 5 years you already finish it” I mocked her.

“If it weren’t for you I would have finished already. So, please, leave” She said making a gesture with her left hand without taking her eyes from the book.

I walked away thinking about the ladies in this competition our personalities could be different at the surface, but maybe deep inside we share thoughts, feelings or survival strategies.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

im honestly so much better than i thought i was. 

like you have no idea whats going on when ur in the war. you dont know who youre shooting at, what the fuck is happening, who you are - you have no idea. and in this war you go through shit that is like unbearable in some ways and you do it and you dont know how and at the end of the day when its all over youre just left with this massive action that formed every thought you now have and you dont know what any of it really meant. 

but like i have beat myself up for time for not being super amazing totally together. like i dont have a job. my work experience is small. my depression is heavy, heavy, heavy. 

but what i needed to see was someone else who has felt this same loss. i needed a comparison to know that i wasnt as fucked up. even though i lived through all the shit i lived through, even though my mother was dead by the time i was 20, even though my dad died 5 years later - i’ve never been on such levels. 

does that mean im heartless? i dont think so. clearly i am very bothered by these deaths and massive losses in my life. its something i think about everyday all day. but i have dealt with serious ptsd for like.. a decade. 

and i never cracked.

and then on top of this i continued to take huge abuse after the intial trauma stopped about my trauma. and i never cracked. 

no. listen. 

i have no idea how i am here today. i have no idea how there is a man downstairs on heroin kicking the walls and thats not me. how is that not me. i have felt such pain. i have felt such sorrow. but never have i been such a person. literally my worst moments the deepest darkest moments last maybe 10 hours. not because im not prone or i dont feel it as strongly. i feel it so strongly. ive felt all the worst feelings. i feel like im 50 years old bro. its not even just like dead ppl. i saw toooooooooooooooooooooooo much. i know tooooooooooooooo much. 

what is it inside of me that has kept me from making this worse for myself. I COULDVE HAD A BABY. do you know how easy it is to do THAT. its easier to make a baby than buy drugs, really. i couldve had like.. multiple babies. like i look at people and im like omg that couldve been me. and not even like.. oh im better than them its like omg if it wasnt for this like one fucking difference between me an them, i would be that. i would be them. i would have children and do meth an like ...

how in the helllllllll did i do this? this man within two months of a death is so distraught by his grief he cannot function as human towards other. yall i didnt even get drunk. i didnt have time to get drunk. i had real life responsibilities towards myself and other people. while living with a total piece of shit who put holes in my wall. okay. my father dies and im living alone now with a man who put holes in my fathers walls. i try to break up like a week before and i cant because my dad is still in the hospital and everything is so crazy because like we know this man is dieing. 

have you ever watched a man die? have you ever WATCHED a man die? have you ever in your life watched a grown ass man choose to die in human excrement in diapers cant stand cant walk - have you ever in your life watched that?

my ex did. twice. and i had to have that man arrested and to this day i feel guilt about having to do that because he had to experience this trauma as well and he had to handle it however he was going to handle it and he couldnt handle it either. 

i imagine its like the same when you watch someone die of cancer in some ways. like not the exact because theres no choice with cancer. but i guess the question why remains. why did cancer have to befall you. why does cancer exist. why does cancer have to kill you. 

depression killed both of my parents and both of my parents lived with it for AT LEAST 40 years (my father probably longer).both of my parents chose not to do hard drugs. my dad was a very light alcoholic if you could call him one at all - he drank sincerely recreationally but it became a crutch to deal with everything else.

and i even get having the most important person you knew die. and do you understand that i know this so well that i even understand that right now you think that no one else “gets” how important this person was to you. how mighty an great they were because when a very important and beloved person to you dies there is so little room for the negative even though it can rear its head. 

my parents shaped everything i am to this day. they are dead and i absolutely live in the exact EXACt same lifestyle i lived in when they were alive. i changed absolutely nothing about myself in my grief. it has only been literally this year where i have been like okay. its time. and with my mother ... i dint. i i kept a giant GIANT wooden piece of shit box for these people as a symbol of respect when sometimes i really hate them sooo much and i am soooooo angry with them. 

sometimes i forget that im about to be 30 because i feel 15. i feel like when i woke up at 15 except now i am living my nightmares. everyday. and i still wake up everyday, i still try and instead of going batshit insane i took the time to truly explore how i felt about these people and the things that happened to me. instead of just crying about it and being sad and oh no hes dead it was like i knew there was a solution. and i think in some ways its true about my inplanted addiction to instant gratification. an i say this because i did it to myself by using the internet and other things (weed) to instantly satisfy boredom and anger an sadness. what i wanted at the time was to instantly solve how i felt. both times. and not like just make it go away but to “overcome” grief. like i would be enlightened by the grief and oh you know - my mother, shes found her peace now. my father, no longer suffering. its all supposed to happen its all alright. 

and i guess i also in this moment dont want to lie to myself - at 19 i was really unenlightened. at 19 i think i acted ... u know, im having a moment. and its not lke a deep one but i think for like.. maybe 8 years or so i kind of disregarded my ex’s feelings at the time. everything i felt overshadowed it and i kind of gloss over how i cheated on him but “didnt cheat” because i “broke up with him before i di anything” even though i 100% cheated on him. like i spoke the words of breaking up to him before i physically involved myself but it was like a plan between me and this fucking dude sooooooooo its really low and this is like so much shame in my life. i hold so much shame an regret over my actions that i just quickly tell this part of the story of my ex but its pretty bad. and then questionably bad things happened afterwards due to both of our immaturity and insecurities. my life was fucked before she died but i cannot fully say i never hurt someone. i cant say that. thats such a lie to myself. in my grief i did in fact hurt someone else. i disregarded another person and like its soooooooooooooooo hard for me to give any leverage to my mother. like she never made me feel or do anything fuck her. but my main abuser in life died. a person i saw like.. everyday of my life until i was 16. she was soooo important to everything i am today and to be really fair - i’m probably still fucked up because i absolutely refuse to deal with what she did. like i dont want to relive it any more than i already do even though you have to through it to overcome it. 

i smoke weed uner the influence of my father and i think i smoke weed for the same reason he drank - my mother is the reason i smoke weed. for the most part. like im really haunted by my father sometimes but i became so accustomed to this weird life with him that i mostly have like a culture shock where i realize other people didnt do this and then i get over it. sometimes i think about what he looked like when he slept and how it looked like he was dead. sometimes i picture the foot rotting off his body. recently ive pictured the blackheads on his back. they were really bad but not in like im traumatized way - my mother picked at his blackheads and i started doing it an its just a weird gross probably semi normal thing so like even though i have these images sometimes of my fathers illness what i am most haunted by is the words my mother put into my brain. i was brainwashed. i feel brainwashed. and sometimes i repeat scenarios she did. sometimes i do things she did and not like a nostalgic oh i have my mothers traits but like sometimes i lie. sometimes i tell lies. sometimes i have told lies to be able to get someones attention or pity. like not often at all. not even a handful of times in my life have i done this. very spread out. its not common. and its so shameful but i saw my mother do it and she did it pretty well and people would feel sorry for her and give her attention and it wasnt good or deserved in anyway but it worked.

sometimes. sometimes i have exaggerated illnesses. sometimes i have downplayed symptoms i am having. and i do this i think because i was trained to do this. my mother told me i was sick, she told me the symptoms and it was all repeated from there. i have been extremely lucky to have like no major medical issues since i was a child. i have never had to deal with anything happening because im actually pretty physically healthy outside of the toll depression takes on my body. i coud of course quit smoking but i dont have lung issues. i was told i had asthma for 13 years. we had to move. we had to fucking move bro because i had “asthma” and i had to take the inhalers and of course man of course it wasnt ust inhalers it was the fucking plastic tube that somehow made it better you held between the inahler and your mouth. 

to bare it all - i dont even know if im allergic to pine. my mother said i was allergic to pine so no more real christmas trees but what if this bitch was doing it to me. ive never had like extensive exposure to these trees since then. who the fuck knows.

why is it - okay. when i go to the hospital they ask me allergies and i repeat verbatim the same thing my mother said to every doctor i ever met, “sulpha, pencillion, amoxicillin and codiene” 

tell me why as a child i frequently had penicillin and at no point in my memory was there like some reaction upon taking this. and everyone remembers it. we all know the banana flavoured medience. and i remember taking it so many times an then suddenly i didnt  and suddenly it was apart of this list and like maybe i developed an allergy but what if she just decided? how did she find out i was allergic to these other things? i am REPEATING A MANTRA by a woman who nearly killed me using prescription drugs. 

i make alot of excuses. im probably lazy more than depressed because if i was sooo scared i could get tested for my allergies and know for myself. 

do you know how upsetting my birth certificate was? and it wasnt even my mothers fault, it was more my fathers fault. but all these little dumb things and its not like ths is crazy never heard of its small things that other people experience too but they hold so much weight like can someone tell me why my mother stopped spelling her name right? like shortly after my birth she no longer spelt it theresa and spelled it teresa. and i had such a moment at her funeral when i saw her name spelled right and asked why it was wrong. that she had spelled it without an h. her parents were like .. confused and appalled that i suggested she had done this an like of course her name was with an h. and fair enough guys. you are the people who named her. which means it was in my lifetime that it changed. and on legal documents even though she maintained her first real name (mary) she spelled it teresa. but these old documents and the way my father spelled it was theresa. whats in an H? like maybe im crazy right. maybe im just making a big deal out of something small but usually when something lke this occurs its because ssomeone else made the mistake and usually youre a foreigner. like someone wrote your name on an official document wrong and now thats just it. but this woman .. she went to private school like she had to have had official document before 1990. this woman made a concious choice to drop the H in her name. why? was it a choice? did she just like slip up one time and went with it for 19 years after? like did she fuck it up so majorly in some public way that she had to convince other people this is how she spelled her name.

and like its been a really long time. and i dont have a lot of these documents anymore. to be fair, i have like 7 remaining objects of my mothers. i dont even know if i have documents with her writing outside of a wedding guest book from 1980. so sometimes - sometimes she wins. sometimes i think that maybe im wrong. maybe i just think she stopped doing it but like why would i notice this? why would i think about it so much? 

sometimes i try to think really hard about her but i did such a job at blocking her out and smoking away these memories i literally cant remember more than like 10 - 20 memories of her. i spent half of my life with her. closely. and like.. i remember when i was in like grade 3 - 5 because i was walking to a certain school and i remember this is like.. no you know what. i have atleast 5 seperate memories of this and thsi in itself says something - faking sick. i faked sick religiously. and like i knew this bitch would buy it because at this point im a clever angry bitter child with no true subconcious yet. im like i know my mother will buy into sickness - thats who she is- and i wont have to go to school.

so i start the day before at bed. im coughing. im coughing really hard because of my asthma right but im not sick at all im good but im forcing these dog coughs at 2am and she wakes up and its like oh well i guess youre sick and im doing this so often i have a memory of her frustration like she almost almost knew but this was her job and now im playing games. and its like man you trained me to do this but your power was taken and now im using your training against you and all you really wanted was a sick kid. so im giving you all you wanted and none of it is real. and like im aware of this complexity at this point. even really early my father is now pissed at her and they dont trust each other. and theyre fighting about me and shes saying look at this and hes saying this is what you did. this was what my mother did to me. he knew that like i was turning cold because she was cold towards me and he knew it and he was telling her youre doing this to her stop doing this to her and she didnt so it just kept going.

in grade 10 i faked a heart problem. i freely admit this because i feel like its “okay” because it coincides with dropping out of school. but now im desperate. like im so desperate in this depression and my first year was her trying to kill herself and getting kicked out of the house and im like omg i cant do this anymore im not going to school something is going to give even though school is  a relief from home, i was starting to have all these expectations at school academically and socially and i couldnt keep up and something had to give and i couldnt get rid of my parents so i was done.

my father wanted me to “get a job” but it was like... you know. someday youre going to have to get a job. and in my own volition, once my mother had left for a year, i got a job. i was semi comfortable. on my first day of this important job my father became gravelly ill and spent like .. a month in the hospital. and im still going to work. im like 17 years old, everything has gone to shit and im still going to work. and im on the bus everyday crying to my friend that its all so fucking awful and i just want to like party and get high. 

so i started. and i spent all of my earnings on partying and getting high on mdma and k and weed. in one summer. it was like 3 grand or something which is alot of money for me in any time of my life thus far. thats the only time i ever earned a significant amount of money. 

but then i stopped. because within me i knew especially the hard drugs were beginning to do their damage to my body and i was drinking too much and i did carry it on for like a year before my ex put his foot down and i decided i didnt want to be a person in a relationship on drugs like that. we smoked weed and it was fine. 

and like on paper seperately - bratty attitude filled choices. i lied and faked an illness to get out of school, partied while my father was ill. and like i knew this. and in my early 20s i frequently reflected on these choices and actively knew i had to choose other things. was it fun? yes. was i with close loving friends? yes. was i safe? yes. was it the right thing to do? no. and i feel like if i dint make that choice back then i couldve set myself on a better path. but i gave up. i gave up and i give in for this moment and i never fully recovered, i just choose to smoke a shit ton of weed instead. i couldve learned real coping skills but i chose not to and now im almost 30 and i suck, utterly suck, at life. but it could be worse and i could be him. 

we finally spoke - no he answered the call and spoke whatever he wanted to to me still. that he couldnt deal with this and blah blah but its funny i guess as i told a friend i had said my last word were that i was not going to speak to him again. she said he mustve replied because that usually gets him. and its sad i have to resort to feeling like im not going to speak to him again to get any response. and im not being crazy and needy or whatever like you signed up to take care of someone who has major trauma surrounding this issue and you knew this. like in june im crying about how this was my parents fault. i have a whole process i have to go through over the course of my life because like i cant decide randomly one day to face this fear and anxiety. this type of issue has to come up as it will and it may not be a good time for me or anyone else but i now have to face and overcome this issue that is not just a medical problem but DIRECTLY related to my parents neglect. like every time a doctor asks how this happened how many times why has this happened this way i have to explain just the bare bones of how my parents how TWO GROWN PEOPLE thought this was okay TOGETHER and let it go. leaking blood and pus. this is like ... what this cyst has caused me in emotion and mental damage is sooo much morre than the cyst itself. the cyst is simple. knowing the neglect of it caused it to come to such a point that it has to be surgically deal with is painful. how did they fuck this up for me? and its like i couldnt just get surgery at 18. at 18 i didnt have a flare up. i have to wait for the flare up to deal and im like just dealing with it as it comes you know because its normal and i guess every few years i have to get this thing lanced thas just who i am now? i guess? but could be worse. could be wayyyy worse. like it coul be on my face, first of all. it could be like in my labia and i would have ppl touching my labia and doing things. it cou be on my actual butthole. it could reoccur every week. every month. 

eventually i got a few moments to speak a full thought and i told him it was extremely important to me to have someone capable of dealing with the worst of my anxieties and traumas before during and after this incredibly important moment i am about to face and optimistically overcome. i just know i will be very not okay about it. i know this, i did this by myself its not even like im playing it up for others like im by myself in public sobbing soo hard they cannot take proper vitals. thats how much this is for me. i will not have someone be neglectful or judgemental or take away my right to feel the way i have to feel in order to break through this. like im not taking away anything from anyone else, i’m just laying out what is require and if you can do that, then fine, but if you cant then no im not going through with this.

he made a weak argument and i explained that the last time i had to deal with major medical hospital things was my mother. so i am not okay with this and i am freaking out and this instability hes displaying completely on his own makes me question what im doing. and he continued to rattle off these excuses and started into “you want to talk about traumas, what about ...” and i just turned the phone away and waited until he was finished because you cannot tell me that im not allowed to feel any sort of ways about anything or talk about my mental illness or the things ive gone through and immediately launch into your own. there is give and take and youve already taken everything im willing to give now. he says i have to give him a straight answer because he needs stability and to figure out what hes going to do. 

.......

to live with this, i have every right to feel depressed and uncomfortable and unhappy. 

i need to begin the process of mentally letting him go. i want to feel free to talk to random people and open myself up to random people and experiences and i dont want to even think about anything with him. like honestly, there is no future with him or associated with him. he cant fix some of these things, its not going to happen. and im going to allow him and give him opportunities in the future to still be shitty to me. and future me needs to understand that this is just proof for why i have to let it go. 

and like im frustrated - in my perfect world ive abandoned this dream because ive found something better an more fulfilling to me. its so hard to abandon something without anything else. and like i get really aggravated when im in my i dont know what the fuck to do moments. and eventually i find something - anything - and i really try to put myself into it. like that becomes my new job because im trying out all these roles in life and maybe this one leads to something. like i enjoyed jewelry, a lot. but ike i wanted something bigger and grander and to be apart of something and like i guess build on the jewelry. like i went from collecting bones in a forest by myself to showing in an art gallery and going to receptions and making new friends - i like the beginning of my art career story. its glamorous and hopeful. 

and then i thought like i could be more than an artist. i could have a gallery or a studio, i could curate shows, do events - i could contribute to the arts and culture in the city and possibly resolve or find resolution for some of these issues. and i learned like.. a lot about art. i basically forced a semester of art history and basic art techniques down my throat and practiced daily. i wanted to feel knowledgable and professional and like prepared to take on the 1%

and i just lost that. like i built that for myself, by the way. thats not off the back of a man or relationship. amongst all my shit, i created a very minor artistic career. and i was / am well respected for my dedication and quality and like ... i really received a lot of praise. i got very little known hatred towards me. my shit was good enough it sort of overtook an ex friends venture an made her jealous. i was the first person in the city hands down to create a website dedicated to arts in the city. like maybe in 10 years there will be 50 more but i was the first. i was the one who knew how to do it. i left just a tiny make with my minor career. that i built. by myself. in the 5 years before and after my dads death. 

but its not that like i dont “want” to do that anymore. i think i do? but the city is not about it. the numbers to bring people out are small. the money is non existant. the quality of talent is not great. i think if i had entered a more viable scene i couldve graduated from what i was doing but as it stands its just not going to happen. and making money from art is really hard and no one respects a person who just paints unless theyre like the most amazing artist and i guess really i have nothing i want to say anymore. ive tried to express alot of things through art and things are left unfinished. im just ... not an artist like that. 

but im not even like mad at myself for it - 20s are your time to find yourself. im not an artist. and maybe i wont be a wildwoman land developer either. i know that if i could decide on something, if i could find something i actually cared about that i could achieve it. it would literally me be just saying 100% doing this and it being done soon after. no games. no waiting around. if i really wanted it i would invest everything i have into it. i know that. 

[analogscum]

SUMMER CAMP NIGHTMARE (1987, d. Bert L. Dragin)

OK, campers. Since it’s our last day together here at Camp Analog Scum, I thought we might have a little discussion about the power dynamics inherent in the summer camp flick. For a lot of kids, summer camp is a chance to blow off some steam. You’ve spent all year getting bossed around by your teachers, your principal, your parents, whomever, and now you get a few weeks of relative freedom out in the wilderness to run wild. Sure, you’ve got counselors to answer to, but what are they gonna do? In a lot of ways, summer camp is like one big dare to see how much shit you can get away with and not get in trouble. It’s the ultimate quest for extreme fun. But what would happen if that fun got a little too extreme? Could it lead to, say, armed revolution and lawlessness? Well, that’s what we’re working with in today’s film, 1987’s Summer Camp Nightmare, either the darkest comedy or the funniest drama ever, depending on who you ask.

Things start out innocuously enough, with busloads of eager kids arriving at Camp North Pines for Boys. Our hero, a nerdy kid named Donald Poultry (amazing name) is narrating everything into his trusty tape recorder, because he’s a tech wiz, because he’s a nerd in the 80s, c’mon, try and keep up. These little devils are pumped for a summer of gorging on junk food, reading nudie mags, catching up on reruns of Dynasty, and most of all, trying their luck with the girls over at Camp South Pines for Girls. We meet a few of our junior counselors, including Mason, the obnoxious Guido; Chris, the attentive older brother type; Stanley Runk, aka “Runk the Punk” who is, well, you can figure it out; and last but certainly not least, Franklin, who is super smug and really into philosophy and believes that society is governed based off of fear. Yeah, Franklin is “that guy.”

Unfortunately, everyone’s plans for a summer of debauchery and decadence are ruined by the arrival of Mr. Warren, the new camp director. Mr. Warren is kind of an old fuddy-duddy who speaks in a hushed voice and with great moral authority, so in other words, he’s supposed to remind you of Ronald Reagan. Anyway, Mr. Warren is like, no one is allowed to curse, smoke cigarettes, or drink booze, all of which seem like pretty boilerplate rules for a kid’s camp, but everyone acts like he’s a total fascist. What’s not as cool is when he rigs the TV in the rec room to only play the televangelist channel. OK, that sucks. They literally do that to punish Hannibal Lecter. Mr. Warren also decrees that the old rope bridge that leads to the girls’ camp is off limits, because it’s in disrepair and too dangerous. Damn, guess the panty raids are cancelled, huh?

Oh, and Mr. Warren is super into catching butterflies, which is a perfect hobby for this character in that it’s so innocent that it’s kinda weird at the same time. So he takes a bunch of little kids in Franklin’s bunk on a butterfly hunt, and one of them, I think his name is Eddie, comes back in tears, because he peed his pants. But Franklin somehow twists this around and concocts this story about Mr. Warren molesting Eddie. He even tells Runk the Punk about it. This is our first hint that there may be more wrong with Franklin than just being “that guy.”

Before long, our boys are engaging in shenanigans. Chris and Donald rig the TV in the rec room to play some good ol’ scramble vision porn, but Mr. Warren catches them, unplugs the TV, closes the rec room for good, and locks Chris up. Then it’s time for the cross-camp talent show! We get a rapping emcee, because he’s the only black kid in camp! Cool! Then three of the girls do an original song about how the girls will take care of the boys “down south” while dressed up like Cyndi Lauper, Madonna, and…um, I think also Madonna? For some reason Mr. Warren doesn’t seem to mind, perhaps the innuendo just goes over his head? But then, in easily the best scene in the movie, Runk the Punk and Mason do a totally bitchin’ lip sync to Fear’s classic “Beef Bologna.” This time, Mr. Warren understands that the song isn’t actually about lunch meat, and freaks out. He sends the girls home, and cancels the dance scheduled for next week. This proves to be the final straw. Franklin holds a campfire pow wow with some of the other counselors in training, plus Donald, who by the way owes Franklin a favor because he saved him from drowning one day. They decide to stage a coup and take Mr. Warren and the other counselors into custody. Viva la revolucion!

The next day, everyone springs into action. Franklin creates some unrest by starting a “Free Chris Wade!” chant, then head over to the administration building to bust Chris out. Mr. Warren and the other counselors are like, what the hell this is insane you’re acting like total jerks, at which point Franklin is like, oh no, we’re super serious about this whole revolution thing, and by the way, I have a gun. Oh shit, Franklin DOES have a gun. Mr. Warren and the counselors are lead into the administration building at gunpoint, and locked up. Chris is like, hey man, I appreciate you busting me out and all, but we’re not really gonna take the law into our own hands, right? To which Franklin is like, don’t worry, we’ll let them go soon, we just wanna have some fun, I’m definitely not a power-hungry sociopath. Yeah, this is the point in the movie where it becomes more and more clear that, despite his guarantees, Franklin miiiiiiiiight just be a power-hungry sociopath.

Feeling the rush of having staged a successful, bloodless revolution, Franklin decides to also liberate the girls camp. Before long, all of the boys and the girls are living together, and it’s just a nonstop hormonal jamboree. During one of the now nightly dances, Runk the Punk decides to bring in the tied up and gagged Mr. Warren, to torture him by making him witness all of the grinding and making out that’s going on. None of these kids are leaving room for the Holy Spirit! Chris and this girl Heather, whom he’s fond of, are like yo, what the hell, this is going too far! And Franklin is like, oh hey, I’m wearing military fatigues now, so don’t fuck with me, you’re excommunicated. He orders Runk the Punk to take Mr. Warren back to his like, prison cell or whatever, but along the way, Mr. Warren tries to fight back, kicking Runk the Punk a bunch of times.There’s a scuffle, and oh shit, Mr. Warren accidentally gets stabbed and dies! Whoa! When Franklin finds out, he orders Runk the Punk and some other dude to ditch Mr. Warren’s body down by the caves. They’re in too deep now, there’s no turning back.

Things start to take a turn into Lord of the Flies territory. Franklin decrees that anyone who talks to Chris or Heather will be punished, and names Donald minister of propaganda. The whole free love thing turns dark too, when Mason rapes Joanie, whom you may remember as Cyndi Lauper from the talent show. Donald and another girl catch him, and he’s put on trial. Mason acts like a super gross, misogynist piece of shit, and Franklin decides that, as punishment, Mason will be forced to cross the rope bridge, hand over hand. If he lives, then he’s innocent. If he dies, then, well, he’s dead? He makes it, but then decides to mouth off to all of the girls, which is a bad idea, because they literally form a mob and Lynch him. Holy hell! I mean, it’s hard to feel bad for this piece of shit, but I didn’t think the movie was gonna go THERE.

At this point, some of the campers start to think that maybe this whole revolution thing wasn’t the best idea, while others just go more and more insane. Donald uses his computer nerd skillz to try and contact the outside world, but gets caught, and is sentenced to also walk the rope bridge. But Donald is a total dork, he’s gonna die for sure! Chris decides this is the time for the counter-revolution to begin. As Donald flails along on the rope bridge, losing his precious glasses in the process (which of course made me think of the classic Milhouse gag, “I need those to live!!!”), some of the kids start just straight up wailing on Franklin and his gang. Runk the Punk gets thrown off the hill, wow! Chris punches the shit out of Franklin’s face until he’s hamburger meat, whoa! Then the cops show up, somehow? Anyway, since Donald had been keeping his tape recorder diary thing, the cops are like, ok, we’re arresting the perps, everyone else get on the buses, you’re going home. Franklin is in the back of a cop car. The cop is like, we’re gonna contact your parents in Europe, implying that Franklin was never this salt of the Earth revolutionary, just a fucked up rich kid looking for some kicks at any cost. Whatever, man.

It probably wouldn’t surprise you to learn that Summer Camp Nightmare was co-written by none other than Penelope Spheeris. Early in her career, before she got famous thanks to directing the Wayne’s World movie, Spheeris excelled in this kind of movie: the kind of story that starts out looking like a typical popcorn flick, before descending into pure darkness. She did the same thing with Suburbia, her excellent film about a group of punk squatters living in Los Angeles, which features one of the heaviest, most gut-punching endings to any movie I’ve ever seen. If she and director/co-writer Bert L. Dragin were trying to combine Meatballs with Lord of the Flies, then they definitely succeeded. It’s far from pleasant, especially when things get rapey and murdery, but that’s the point. Subversion is the name of the game. Best of all, both sides are judged in equally harsh terms. Mr. Warren may be a sanctimonious dick, but Franklin’s way is even worse, and it doesn’t let either of them off the hook. It’s a somber note to close up Camp Analog Scum on, but hopefully next year won’t be quite as macabre. Though I doubt it…

[trendingnewsb]

How One Tiny Change Completely Ruined The Wizard Of Oz

For all of the surreal horror in The Wizard Of Oz, the darkest part is a little bit of symbolism that pretty much everybody misses. What makes it even darker is that the creators didn’t even mean to put it there — it just oozed out of their subconscious.

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Even if you’ve never watched the 1939 classic, you probably get the gist of it. Dorothy, a lonely Kansas girl who counts middle-aged farmhands and a dog as her only friends, bumps her head during a tornado and passes out. While sleeping, she has what most of us would consider a traumatizing nightmare, in which she casts herself as an unwitting murderer not once but twice — three times if you count what she did to fashion by wearing socks with pumps. So even before we get into the awful subtext, Dorothy has a fairly high body count for a rural teenager. She never gets terribly upset by this (though as a farm girl in 1939, she probably watched someone get accidentally mutilated by a thresher every week or so).

Her first episode of manslaughter happens when her house lands on the Wicked Witch of the East — a living, breathing humanish person whose death immediately prompts a joyful song about how she’s totally dead and burning in Hell now.

Metro-Goldwyn-MayerActual lyrics: Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead. She’s gone where the goblins go, Below – below – below!

Manslaughter #2 happens when Dorothy accidentally throws water on the Wicked Witch of the East’s sister, the Wicked Witch of the West. Water, it turns out, is WWW’s only allergy, and she promptly melts. Her death is also greeted with cheers, because the only person who loved her is decomposing under a house in Munchkinland.

Metro-Goldwyn-MayerSave those tears for when you reunite with your sister … IN HELL.

Joining Dorothy in her imaginary technicolor escape from justice are the three men who work on her family farm, now dressed up like freaks, and an even older man who pretended to read her fortune (in his trailer!) that very day. Her choice of companions are problematic in my book, but I’ll get to that in a minute. The real problem with The Wizard Of Oz is that Dorothy’s dream was never meant to be a dream at all. This right here is the first part of the hidden darkness we promised you a few paragraphs ago.

When L. Frank Baum wrote The Wizard Of Oz, he played the story straight. As in, Dorothy really did travel to Oz and meet a Scarecrow, Lion, and Tin Man, and those three friends weren’t lazy analogues for the adult men in her life. (This explains why he was able to wrote more than a dozen of these books without this poor girl getting a concussion every time out.) It was MGM, the studio behind the movie, that looked at the box office numbers behind recent fantasy movies and decided audiences needed their witch and wizard stories grounded in reality. So they settled on the tired old Alice In Wonderland “It was all a dream” ending explanation.

Walt Disney Pictures“Oh dear, Alice is probably dreaming of doing things outside the home again.”

Why was this a big deal? In one two-minute scene, the studio stripped Dorothy of her entire adventure and turned her into a crazy person. Without the dream, Dorothy is Luke Skywalker, Harry Potter, and E.T. rolled into one, and she was conceived and in print before most Americans had flushing toilets in their homes. Without the dream, she’s a real-deal witch slaughterer who travels on foot across a country that no one in her world had ever seen before. She builds a team of fellow adventurers, exposes a fraudulent leader, and liberates two different races of Oz from bondage. She even survives a heroin overdose.

Turn her whole story into a dream, and we’ve got problems. For one thing, this young girl passes out, wakes up, and blurts out that the three men who work on her aunt and uncle’s farm were with her in her dream. Not her aunt or uncle, just their workers. So … the whole thing was a sex dream, right? If Dorothy was a teenage guy and dreamed about traveling on his own with three older, familiar women in the hopes of meeting a fourth older, familiar woman, there would have been a fluid situation to deal with upon waking.

Not to mention the weird work situation that happens once that the boss’s niece proclaims that she’s been dreaming about hanging out with the men on the farm. Even in the movie, the farmhands respond to her confession with awkward, polite laughter.

Even if we take the high road and dismiss the obvious, indisputable fact that Dorothy’s whole adventure in Oz was a sexual awakening, there are much bigger problems at play with her story becoming a dream sequence. The first is that everyone in the room laughs at her when she tells them where she went. When she asks, “Doesn’t anybody believe me?” her uncle answers “Of course we believe ya” with the enthusiasm of a wet sock. In the next breath, Dorothy gives up believing her dream was real, cheerfully exclaiming, “But anyway, Toto, we’re home!” She then announces, “I’m not going to leave here ever, ever again!”

The book, on the other hand, ends with Dorothy landing back home, hugging her aunt, and saying, “I’m so glad to be at home again!” The movie ends with Dorothy professing her undying love for her home like her house is a new god that needs her exclamations of loyalty. Therein lies the rest of the dark, unintentional message the movie delivered to audiences of all ages around the world.

Take a step back and think about who was in theaters at the time the movie came out, the ones watching Dorothy accept that her death-defying romp through Oz was nothing but the side effect of a concussion, and then decide that being at home is all that matters. It may have been 1939, but I’m guessing the seats were filled with the same kinds of people who go to family movies today: moms and kids. But these weren’t just any moms. In a few short years, those moms would be asked to do something that no generation of women had ever done before: Get out of the house and start working for the good of the country.

By 1944, there were over 19 million women in American factories, shipyards, and offices, presumably riveting everything they could get their dainty hands on. But when their husbands and boyfriends and brothers came back from World War II, the ladies were sent home so the vets could have jobs. In other words, they got Dorothyed. After learning how to build cool stuff and manage the home front while the men were away, women got the message that their adventure was over and home was where they belonged. And one of the first people to give them the message was Dorothy herself.

Here’s Dorothy, the protagonist in one of the biggest fantasy blockbusters ever (and America wasn’t exactly bursting with fictional female role models at the time), and some nameless executive not only turned her whole hero’s journey into a make-believe story in her head, but they also landed her exactly where she started, with no lessons learned other than “STAY HOME FOREVER.”

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[erikaalamode]

And we’re back with Padmé’s Lake Dress: Episode II, The Dress Strikes Back!

The basic construction was actually pretty simple, which you can read about here if you missed Part 1 (https://erikaalamode.wordpress.com/2017/11/10/padme-amidalas-lake-dress-part-1/).

The sewing was a breeze. If I hadn’t gotten a little scissor-happy with trimming the cape, it would have been a pretty seamless process… It was the dyeing, and dyeing, and dyeing over and over and by then I was dying… (Sorry, I had to).

So with the trim in place, I pinned the dress on and we re-pinned the chiffon in place to mark where the color gradients would change between yellow to pink and then pink to purple. Some of the Padawan’s Guide notes used more colors, including orange and blue. I didn’t really see any orange that wouldn’t occur from grading yellow to pink, but I did buy a bottle of blue dye to mix into the violet to get a more indigo purple.

The dyed dress colors

We marked the gradient lines on the under dress first by placing a safety pin in one of the side seams where the yellow would fade into pink and then pink into purple. We marked everything with safety pins, as we weren’t sure if chalk might disturb the dye in some way.

At this point, I gathered the front of the chiffon hem into that odd tail thing that hangs in the front of the dress. I don’t know what it’s called (and my super awesome “dingle” is definitely not it).

Anyway, I gathered it with a rubber band to mark where I’ll dye the purple for the tail and pink above it. I added safety pins to the satin ribbon where the pink would become yellow, and then we moved around to the back. We marked the satin edge where I wanted the pink and purple to stem out from the center back.

And then it was time to die dye. I tried this four times, and really the only thing that stayed the same was the order of colors: I moved from lightest to darkest in dyes because watercolor logic?

Round one:

I tried to follow the Padawan’s Guide suggestion in Christine’s tutorial, mixing the dye and then putting in spray bottles.

I tried the iDye Poly Dye, in golden yellow, pink, and violet. They are powder dyes designed to work on synthetic fabrics, so of course, I thought, oh wow, perfect, maybe I didn’t shoot myself in the foot with the polyester thing, right? Wrong. The dye didn’t dissolve well and that caused all sorts of problems that I’ll get to in just a minute.

My mom and I dip dyed the dress in each color, starting from yellow, then pink, then purple, trying to only get the portions of the dress I wanted in the pot at a time. We funneled each dye into a spray bottle one at a time for the cape. Once we were done with the dress, we hung it on a line in the yard to dry.

We hung the chiffon, on the line as well. It was folded in half so both sides would be symmetrical. Using the dye in the spray bottles, we sprayed the yellow onto the marked areas, then the pink, then the purple.

We dumped out the dye, congratulated ourselves on a job well done and went inside to let it sit for a while to dry. We dyed the fabric, we were moving forward smoothly, everything was totally fine… until we brought the fabric in to take a look at it.

Remember how I said the dye didn’t dissolve well? Well, it was chunky and messy and splotchy and it looked like I had thrown salt on a watercolor. The dye had run in streaks down the fabric, making everything look like a sad, melting art project. The colors were also weak on the dress, and it barely showed through on the chiffon.

I still liked it though. It was pretty and it was another step towards visualizing the end goal, so we draped it on over my super fashionable post-gym ensemble and I posed next to the serious-looking portrait of my brother that we casually keep in the entryway. Once I could see the dress on, I knew it wasn’t Padmé-worthy, and it wasn’t what I wanted. We figured we would do better next time, so we bleached it out.

Round two:

We tried again with the spray bottles and the iDye, thinking the problem must have been our technique. We boiled the dye for longer periods of time, hoping to dissolve the dye more, and we didn’t dip anything until the dye looked clear.

We dip dyed the dress and laid it out on the lawn so the dye wouldn’t run downward and look streaky. Then, we laid the chiffon out on the lawn as well, folded in half for symmetry, and we sprayed everything again. It all looked good, so we left it out to dry with hope in our hearts and a twinkle in our eyes…

Only for our hopes to be dashed against the raging sea of anguish and disappointment that was making this dress!!!

The fabric didn’t run. Nope, this time, it puddled in various areas across the fabric, creating giant splotches. It also took on a print that looked suspiciously like grass. And, turns out, the chunks were only a bit our fault. Boiling it longer helped to smooth everything out, but as the fabric dried, it looked grainy and chunky in certain areas. Also, the chemicals in the dye must have upset the safety pins, because they rusted and left stain marks in the fabric. Underwhelming.

I felt bad for myself, I rolled around in self-pity, and then we bleached it out and it was time for…

Round three:

My grandma jumped in on the craziness this time. She and my grandpa drove down with their happy fluff ball dog, who ran around with my fuzz puff baby and everything was looking good, we were feeling hopeful, and so we tried again.

We ditched the iDye and ordered Rit Dye in golden yellow, fuschia, purple, and royal blue. We did not use Rit DyeMore, the line designed for synthetics, because a lot of reviews made it sound somewhat iffy and we just wanted it to work out at this point.

We also changed tactics: instead of spray bottles, we switched to a tie-dye/dip dye method that has worked on previous projects.

Instead of marking each color transition line with safety pins, we gathered the dress and the cape at each line with a rubber band, sort of like tie-dye without the twisting and stuff. Then we dip dyed each color, starting with yellow, then fuchsia, and then purple with a splash of blue dye (the Rit purple is a little reddish, and I wanted more of an indigo purple).

Me, Grandma, & my fashionable post-gym aesthetic

Color testing!

We set it out until it stopped dripping, and then we hung the cape on the line to dry and stuck a long dowel through the dress to hang it sideways and let the dye drip off without the colors running into each other.

We were SO CLOSE!! The colors were bright and happy looking, everything looked right, except the tie-dye technique. You know how when you tie-dye and you get those fun white lines that make your design seem more interesting and cool-looking? Well, turns out, they do not look as good on Padmé’s lake dress, and they were everywhere, like a retro 70’s explosion. To top it off, the random dowel I pilfered from my dad’s miscellaneous collection had tree sap on it that I did not clean off and it got on the dress, creating a blotchy stain.

Regret, pity, sadness, rolling. Sass from my grandma, the queen of all sass…

Round four:

I know, I know. Three strikes and you’re out. But I really wanted this dress, and we got so close the last time.

We washed the fabric and bleached it again, which got most of the dye out, but not the sap. No matter what we tried, we couldn’t get the sap off the dress, and the sap seemed to absorb the dye more than the rest of the fabric, so it was blotchy and dark in some areas, but at this point, I just really wanted it done. I had lost so much time and energy and tears on this ridiculous process, and I lost patience with it.

My mom and I repeated the process from round three, but after we dip dyed each color segment, we immediately cut off the rubber bands and tried to work the dye into the fabric for an even distribution. Everything was hung to dry on the line, and we unfolded the chiffon so it wouldn’t cling to itself and create lines in the dye.

  After it was dry, we rinsed everything in a vinegar-water solution. Some dye ran off the cape, but not too much, so we hung that back out to dry.

The dress bled more color, so we took three bins and created separate vinegar baths for each color. I left the dress out in the yard on a hot June day in California, so it baked in the sun for a while, and I tried to move the dress regularly so it wouldn’t create lines in the dye. Letting the dress bake helped to soften the gradient between each color, and the vinegar bath helped to set the dye in the polyester.

  I rinsed it out until the water ran clear and hung it all to dry on the dowel and the line in the yard. It was finally done, and it was so pretty. It still had those sap flaws, and a bit of marbling from the tie-dye effects, so I wasn’t really ecstatic about it, but I hoped those would be hidden under the cape when everything was draped together.

I also just had no interest whatsoever in doing the entire dye process a fifth time. I was verging on emotional breakdown with this dress, and I knew there was no way I’d finish it in time for SDCC at the quality that I wanted. This dream dress had really killed my love for it with the nightmare dyeing process, and I was just about ready to give up on it entirely.

My mom convinced me to put it aside and do a different cosplay for SDCC and we would come back to it at another time.   So we hung it away in the sewing room and threw together a quick closet cosplay of Mal Reynolds for SDCC, which involved next to no sewing.

I planned to finish the dress eventually, but after SDCC, work and travel and school all got in the way and some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend, legend became myth, and for two and a half thousand years, the dress passed out of all knowledge, until, when chance came, it ensnared a new event: the D23 Expo…

      Padmé Amidala’s Lake Dress, Part 2 And we’re back with Padmé’s Lake Dress: Episode II, The Dress Strikes Back! The basic construction was actually pretty simple, which you can read about here if you missed Part 1 (