#anyway this is going in the queue so i suspect it's gonna post the day after the rilex | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ferrocyan · 8 months

Note

top 5 memories!!

these are mostly abt my friends from my fc bc they make playing this game so much more fun and awesome (long post warning)

#1 so there's this guy in western coerthas whom you can challenge to a fight named alaimbert of the spiked butt. funny guy with a lot of butt jokes. one day i was leveling samurai and thought eh why not fight mr spiky butt? then i ate shit and died. and like. the moment i died i got a dm from a stranger. this player named "yuyu nekomata" was... asking me to join her fc?

fellas i have no idea how fc recruitments work. i don't know how this girl found me. so i thought. that this person. saw me get buttspiked to death. for no fucking reason, just being a shit gamer. and thought "yeah i want THAT guy to be in my fc, i gotta ask him to join right now"

i fucking lost it dude i laughed so hard i was fully crying. and then i said yes, ofc. best decision i ever made fr. also since i mentioned going to level my gatherers yuyu gave me like 10 sideritis cookies and i still have 6 in my inventory www

#2 i started playing in na actually, in coeurl, crystal bc dreamer was there and i wanted to meet him ingame haha. but the ping was horrendous and i could never avoid aoes. i started to suspect if orange aoes weren't actually unavoidable. i could only get through the hall of the novice "avoid aoes" training by using sprint (it has a 60 second cooldown!) and praying. and i thought man, i want to try raiding in the future, there's no way i can raid if i have to sprint out of every aoe. so i packed my bags and moved out to jp. basically just picked a dc and world at random? the english speaking jp server is elemental (literally every other indonesian ffxiv player is in elemental fml) but i went to mana instead. it's good out here though since mana has an active raiding scene and the queues are super fast :]

anyway the actual memory was when i remade my character and restarted arr and i went out into the world and aggro'd a monster AND I COULD STEP OUT OF THEIR AOE WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO avoiding damage has never felt so fucking good

#3 at a time when i couldn't play ffxiv, around after i finished base hvw but not the patches, i watched jocat's ffxiv stream vods on youtube. i kept watching until the last available video, when he'd finished the rak'tika section then detoured to do all the role quests. that was around endwalker's release so the guy was too busy streaming to upload the old vods. since twitch vods were only available for 2 weeks i skipped ahead and watched edw instead of waiting for more shb. i followed his streams to the very end, then went ahead and purchased ffxiv to finish shadowbringers on my own

i hadn't planned to play endwalker, for reasons. i finished 5.0, then i did the only thing left i wanted to do: the twinning. i wanted to jam out to a long fall, haha. and i did! it was a very fun run. i hadn't done alexander and omega yet so alex to me is a twinning boss first and foremost. the unlock quest's cutscene where we hear the message from the doomed timeline was so touching that i teared up. i felt satisfied. i was done with ffxiv! yay!

the story of why i decided to continue playing... is for someday in the future :)

#4 and so i did continue to play, and even finish endwalker. really though, the twinning wasn't the only thing i wanted to do. i wanted to try raiding, remember? and so i got to level 90, my first time at level cap, excitedly went to labyrinthos to try the pandaemonium raids, and

my item level is too low. noooooo!

i had no idea how to get gear. what the hell is a tomestone? why do i need so many of them?? i asked around to the raiders in our fc for tips. they told me some stuff about how to farm tomestones but i thought mannn that's gonna take so long though. so i went to the marketboard and bought the then-bis rinascita gear.

one of the guys i asked, koi, saw me at the sharlayan marketboard and went OH NO. i'd just bought the sabatons when he stopped me. koi told me, "this was supposed to be a surprise, but i'll say it so you don't waste your gil. actually yuyu has bought all the gear for you! please come to the fc house to receive it."

i was.. floored. i'd joined the fc while in the middle of playing shadowbringers, so it wasn't too long ago. i hadn't talked with anyone much, only saying hi when i see them pop in or out of the game. since i was too busy doing endwalker msq i couldn't play with the other members either (though we did go into the aitiascope and the mothercrystal together, it was such a blast). but they still gave me a ton of gear and raid food and gil for materia. man even now thinking about it i get choked up. these people are the nicest and i love them so much.

the time when i would have to stop playing ffxiv again was approaching, but i swore i would first clear at least the first savage trial of abyssos when it came out, to show my friends how much i appreciated their help. i'm still holding onto this promise now.

#5 savage is hard. oh my god is it hard. i have to admit to giving up because my internet connection is very unstable, i get a lot of lags and disconnects, and devour is an extremely unforgiving mechanic with lag. i only went back to high-end content with golbez. his trial is extremely attractive for me to prog because the mechanics are mostly forgiving and easy to learn. the only one that has me by the throat is void comet rain (void stardust? idk i learned this from jp resources so) since that one is unforgiving with lag lol. and it took me a good while to prog this trial. i gave up again when 6.5 released with a new extreme, zeromus, and went for that one instead. actually getting to see enrage for the first time ever was very motivating, but i just... i like golbez a lot. i want to clear the voidcast dais extreme first, as it was the new goal i'd set after p5s broke me. so i tried again! and

i did it baybeeee hahahaha! we were a "learn from the beginning" party that was supposed to go on for only 1 meal. but at the 30 minute mark we got to like 7% and i was the only one left alive and i was like no, no we can't stop here LET ME SOLO HIM! LET ME SOLO GOLBEZ I'M A WARRIOR I CAN DO THIS IN NORMAL MODE SURELY EXTREME IS NO DIFF(explodes to void meteor)

we put it to a vote if we want to continue progging, and everyone unanimously agreed. so one final pull! in which i fucking died to void comet rain like a chump! but we ended up clearing well before enrage!! yaaaayyy!!! i got my first ever endwalker extreme clear, and also somehow the weapon coffer despite being the only one (probably) who messed up. sorry everyone ;p all the luck goes to the most undeserving in the party! now i just need to farm the mount and the golbez minion from the lunar subterrane and i will have my full golbez regalia. this is my current goal www

anyway since we're already here have a bonus sweet memory, last christmas one of the fc members, kou, gave us all drawings of our wols! look at the gang all here /;w;)/

answer correctly or else i will have to write more smut to set things right

talking about the other fc members under the cut www

from the left that's koi, one of our serious raiders. the guy is such a troll, he taught me by force to play better bc when someone else dares take the tanking role from him he will run off alone and aggro everything in sight, cuz fuck you. he did also accompany me progging both p5s and golbez and taught me a lot about tanking and communicating in pf :]

second is yuyu, our most wonderful guild leader! she's sweet and kind and loves to shower the rest of us with gil from her billionaire coffers. she's the best. beside her is hoshi, who is a pretty cool person but she's been taking breaks a lot. she's our healer for treasure map runs and it's always hilarious w her there

the bunnyboy is skyler, our most chill and cool guy B) he's a vtuber on tiktok i think? he maintains our main discord server and is usually the one organizing fc events with yuyu. also the sage main who always takes the job to heal the rest of us tank-dps mains www

lastly beside tart that's kou! i hadn't met her a lot at the start and that was because she has a very serious raiding static. she did the omega protocol ultimate, THE hardest fight in ffxiv, on patch. it was nuts. she was in that dimensional rift 24/7 lmao. she's also an artist and always has the best glams and has gotten into gposing too, a real ffxiv renaissance man. kou does old extreme/savage content for fun and often gifts the rest of us special crafted weapons that glow. like the tsukuyomi sword, my beloved

there are other members but that's all for now! thanks if you're reading this far hahah

#tart the wol #long post #i would usually put something this long under a cut but i need you all to vote

5 notes · View notes

billdecker · 2 years

Text

a life update...

i was meant to go to robbie williams’ homecoming gig at vale park this saturday gone. i made the decision a few weeks ago i wasn’t going to go because of covid anxiety and general health stuff. it sucked bc he was my childhood/teen absolute favourite and the last time i saw him i was 11 years old and it was his last tour with take that. i also wanted to go bc i’d be spending time with my mum. despite her living like 10mins away and my dad visiting almost every sunday she NEVER visits. it’s been since christmas 2018?? so i had this nice idea we’d spend some time seeing him and i could take her to see him like she took me to see take that. it sucked and it sucked even more she took my sister to see him when she said she was going to take my dad.

anyway, she asked me if i wanted anything recording and i said no regrets (teen angst) and angels (my nan loved him too and it was her fav). and i was fine. a bit sad on saturday but i coped. then i was bombarded with videos and pics from her and my sis of different songs. the first i opened was he sang could it be magic. that song was/is my fav TT song. it means a lot. when TT were first around they were pure escapism for me when my dad got made redundant and things were absolute shit as a kid growing up in major’s britain. likeTT were the one thing that made me happy. and as soon as i saw the video i LOST it. i went from feeling like ‘this sucks’ to full blown breakdown where D almost called out family/medical help.

it didn’t just felt like another thing i’ve lost in my life due to my agoraphobia. i’ve missed plenty of gigs. missed baynton do the play holes. i didn’t even get to visit my nan before she was fine. i’ve rationalised all of this fine. it’s not my fault. but this time i absolutely lost it. i haven’t been that bad in YEARS. like, i didn’t want to be here anymore. what’s the point of my life when i have no life at all? i can’t go out and enjoy things. i don’t see anything or anyone. my own mum won’t even come to see me. i just felt hopeless.

but then i chatted to a very good friend and i felt better. watching the videos from within the crowd made me feel ill alone. i’m scared of open spaces but also packed crowds like that. the claustrophobia was choking me as i watched the videos. i realised i wouldn’t cope with how loud it is, the bright lights, all of the pissheads surrounding me (my sis said everyone was tanked up), and maybe it’s ok to accept my limitations. it’s difficult when people say you have no life and you’re small minded if you don’t travel or experience things, or that you see people flaunting their lives on social media and you’re just stuck in your flat. if i got some sort of diagnosis then at least i could begin to work towards coping mechanisms. i could live a small life but a happy one.

i’m not depressed. i know what it’s like to be depressed. i’ve not been on any medication for 11 years now. but when it’s the outside and sensory stuff i just can’t cope. i’m not gonna get an nhs diagnosis any time soon (they’ll just go on about trying to get me to have a gastric band) so i’ve gotta sell most of my jewellery collection to get the money for a private one. but i’m also tentative to do that because 1) it’s a couple of grand and 2) what if i pay that money and they go lol no, you don’t have that diagnosis (we suspect autism from everything). i’ve been misdiagnosed constantly with various mental illnesses since the age of 15 and none of them fit me at all. i’m almost 39. i don’t know if i’d cope again.

so now three/four days on i’m still completely drained. i’m spending my days zoned out. my drafts post saved is huge because i can’t bring myself to watch any dr who yet to make gifs to put in the queue (my martha gifs have nowhere near the numbers the rose ones did, surprise surprise). today is the first day i feel a bit more myself and i can write this.

it just all sucks. i wish i had something nice to tell you all about.

at least love island is back

#mental health stuff here lads #it's not been great here

6 notes · View notes

sodapoplio · 5 years

Text

Updates & Future Plans

Happy (late) New Year! I’m finally coming off hiatus here and making a few changes to this blog, so keep reading if you'd like to know about those!

The biggest change is that this’ll become a Pokémon blog first and foremost! I held a poll the other month to help decide whether I should split Pokémon and personal / non-Pokémon content into separate blogs, and most people said yes. I've wanted to do that for a while anyway (both for better organization and because I suspect that most people are here for the Pokémon content in the first place), so from here on out almost all non-Pokémon related posts will be at my new sideblog, @goldenwingedstrawberry (kudos if you know what the URL is referencing)! It’s very empty at the moment, but the posts will pretty much be the same as the non-Pokémon stuff I’ve reblogged/posted here in the past, just all in one place rather than scattered between my many Pokémon posts. If you enjoyed that content, feel free to give it a follow!

Another change will be how in how I tag things: I’m going to start tagging posts related to the anime with the Japanese names of characters. I’ve wanted to do this for a while since those are the names I’m generally more familiar with when it comes to the anime (I usually watch it in Japanese, after all!), but was unsure how to go about it since I’m more familiar with English names for game characters + many Pokémon, and there’s also a lot of overlap between the two... but then I realized I can just tag some of those characters with both and call it a day? That’d also make it easier for me to just use XKit’s tag replacer to append tags when I wanna let my older tagged posts join the bilingual name party and call it a day. This change is really for myself more than anything, but I thought I’d mention it in case anyone gets confused over it. I also probably won’t be going as wild as I used to when it comes to tagging posts with a ton of characters - I’m just gonna keep it at who the content mainly focuses on!

As for what content you can expect in the near future...? Well, you can expect a lot of catch-up reblogs of posts about new anime episodes that I didn’t get to reblog while on hiatus, which will be tagged as #pkmn catchup for anyone to blacklist in case it feels too spammy (I’m gonna try my best not to spam-reblog that many posts at a time, but it might still be more activity than some would like)! I'll probably also share some GIFs / screencaps of my own, and once I’m done playing catch-up I’ll try to fill the queue again with the usual Pkmn content!

Not sure if anyone was wondering about this, but just in case: the reason I went on hiatus was partly to avoid leaked SwSh spoilers (I decided to go in blind to anything that was unrevealed, so I avoided a lot of social media - no regrets there tbh, since it was really fun getting to see so many new ‘mons/forms for the first time in game!), but also because I needed to focus more on personal life stuff! Due to the latter reason I probably still won’t be as consistently active here as I have been in the past, but I’ll try my best to keep filling the queue & posting when I can since I do enjoy it a lot!

One last note - I’ve mentioned it here before a few times, but in case anyone wasn’t aware, I’m also active on Twitter! Feel free to follow me there if you’d like to have more Pokémon + sakuga RTs among other things on your timeline.

If you read this far (or even just skimmed through), thank you - I hope you have a great day/night! 💛 💛 💛

20 notes · View notes

perpetua47 · 5 years

Link

An artist asked if they could have all of the photos for gesture references, and y’all seem to really like some of my blurry photos, so here’s a lot more blurry ones! Enjoy! Also, i finally wrote up my impressions of the show and the meet and greet, if anyone is interested. Very light on spoilers!

- Brian really upped the danger level in this Unraveled, it was good dramatic development and got great emotional engagement from the crowd. He’s really refining his craft. If you’re a musical theater fan, I think you gonna like this. :) - Everyone in the audience was entirely well behaved, as far as I know. The energy was great (I was in the front row, so maybe people were doing excessive amounts of dabbing or wiggle arms or something, but no one ever shouted anything weird.)

- Brian was under the table before the show. I was genuinely looking around and wondering where he would come in from. When Allegra and Pat are talking? Brian’s under the table next to them. Those first pictures where he’s standing behind the table with his arms raised triumphantly? He had just jumped up from under a table. He claimed he was down there for 20 minutes and got pretty hot.

- He had no notes (except the occasional slide). He memorized everything he did. He worked SO HARD and it’s SO GOOD and he didn’t give up on his dreams of being a baker! *sob* “It's the best bread I've ever had”

- There’s one bit where I genuinely couldn’t tell if Pat was trolling Brian or if it was all preplanned. Afterwards I realized it must have been planned, but at the time it felt super real to me. Brian went up to Pat’s table, acted offended, and had a really adorable huffy hop off the stage. I have video of that hop, if it doesn’t wind up in the final cut.

- I suspect “Kevin Punt” is a fake name. :) - While the microphone was a fun prop at times, I wished he had a mic that didn’t cover his face so much. I hope the sound came out well, it was very echo-y. Fine to hear at the time, but. (I’m sure it’s fine, they are professionals, Simone had giant headphones on, I just worry.) - The jacket removal was fantastic for the crowd energy. So good. Really good management of crowd energy all around. (THE DREAM BALLET!!!) - The enforcers were stressed about the size of the room before anyone showed up. 2 hours before the show I was talking to one (Matt! You’ll meet them in the video), and they said it was added to the schedule late, everyone knew this room was too small for the crowd he’d get, etc. While we were talking about this, my spouse said “and Brian’s right over there” and I panicked and hid behind a friend - I had thought, foolishly, perhaps I was too old for that kind of reaction. Apparently not! I’ve met famous people I really respect before - I was way more chill talking 1:1 with Neil Gaiman, whose work was hugely influential to teenage me. (All the other students in my department were too intimidated to talk to him until I did.) I’m old enough to have babysat Brian. Pokemon didn’t even come out till I was in high school. And yet, when I got to meet him afterwards, I think I was shaking a little. - They opened the queue room doors at 90m beforehand, but some people had been milling about since 2 hours before the show. (Including me, but I’d just come from a panel in that room and I wasn’t going to leave.) We were instructed to move slowly and form a line. I can easily imagine it having been a bit messy if we didn’t have several enforcers keeping us in line. I had counted the front row seats during a previous panel, and I knew I was in the first 10 people and would be fine, but I kept recounting anyway. (I really wanted to get photos!) People did get into the line who weren’t there when the doors opened, but it was full 1h10m in advance. People were mostly able to sit down, there were performers, cookies were sold for charity, the comparison to fyre festival was totally unwarranted. :) I was trying not to dwell on not having asked to get a photo with Brian when we’d been in the room so I watched Unraveled videos and tried to be chill. - The whole show ran something like 40 minutes (I honestly hope they leave it all in the final video, it’s all golden). The song is about 9 minutes. At the end he said he couldn’t think of anything that would kill the mood as quick as a Q&A, and announced the meet and greet. (He had an hour, and we each got max 30 seconds, hugs were freely available.) I engaged in GREAT RESTRAINT in not bolting for the door immediately - but my careful maneuvering to be in the front row of the show meant I was in the first ~15 people to talk to him. I had been planning for weeks what I would say to him if I got somehow got a few seconds with him, not really thinking it would actually happen. I did not expect *thirty whole seconds*. I kept thinking of his polygon cover letter video, and talking about how polygon videos helped an anxious guy like him, and decided that yes, I should say the thing about how his music helped me get through [recent shitty personal thing], and how much I specifically love his cover of “Can You Feel the Love Tonight”. If this really was his first real fan meet up, as was suggested on Tumblr, then I might have been one of the first people to get super emotional in person about how much I love his music and how much he means? I think he looks genuinely happy in the pictures with me, I hope he was.

- My spouse was taking photos the whole time. He asked my name, we hugged, I said the thing, we laughed, we took real photos, and then I turned to leave, and turned back and I darted in for a quick final hug. Then I left and sort of collapsed in happiness in the hall. Y’all, Brian gives really good hugs. I hope he had an awesome time meeting and hugging fans, and that he does lots more of these, and that *everyone* gets a chance to hug him. World Hug Tour. I’m a very emotionally open and PDAish person, and I hug a lot. I get complimented on the quality of my hugs, I know from hugs, and these were damn good hugs. I know he’s a stranger, and we had 30 seconds together, but I said an emotionally vulnerable thing, and I felt heard and like he appreciated me, and I felt safe and secure in that hug. I wish those thirty seconds less blurry in my memory, but I HAVE PHOTOS. (I also kept the SD card on my person that night, in case my camera got stolen out of my car or something. After taking pictures of my camera view screen with my phone. I’ve lost photos before - NEVER AGAIN.)

- Also I made a sappy tweet about how great he was AND HE LIKED THE TWEET.

- Of the dozen or so meetings I saw, most people said something brief and got a hug and a picture together, or asked him to record a video message (or talk to a person waiting on the phone.) While I was there, Simone was standing near him out with the crowds, and Pat was wandering back and forth on the other side of the room, occasionally crossing the barrier to be in videos.

- It’s been three days and I’m still just SO HAPPY. I almost didn’t get to go to PAX, there was a ton of complicated stress about it all, and I am, as stated above, SO HAPPY that I went. I’ve never had popular posts on tumblr before, and I know hundreds of likes and reblogs (and using the photos for memes! And Catholic sculpture comparisons!!!) means hundreds of smiles, and that’s just amazing, y’all. I’m so glad Brian brings us all so much happiness, and that we bring it to each other. I’ve been in and out of fandom for two decades, and everything is just so nice here! I should probably delurk on that polygang discord. :)

#more photos #don't get your hopes up though #these are the ones I cut from the initial album for a reason #but i hope they bring some more smiles #bdg #bdg gestures #bdg hair #gill and gilbert #patrick gill #pat gill #brian david gilbert #bdg dancing #bdg jumping #bdg on the ground #bdg triumphant #bdg despair #unraveled #the perfect pokerap #polygon

67 notes · View notes

tylerrjoeseph · 6 years

Photo

I haven’t used tumblr for years and idk if anyone will even remember me but ! I wanted to write up a post about my past weekend at lfcc, where i got to finally meet peter capaldi, someone I've loved and looked up to for roughly five years. I’ve seen people writing posts about me and i thought it might be nice for me to put a more detailed post up for people.

I’ve always been adamant about peter supporting the lgbtqia+ community and never doubted him for a second but the kindness he displayed for me was something i really wasn’t expecting, I arrived on the Saturday morning and decided to go straight into his autograph queue, Luckily my diamond pass was 31 and i got to queue in the first batch of people, I was maybe in the queue for like half an hour before it was my turn at the front phew, I walked up to peter and he greeted me with a big grin and said hello ect, I was worried about not getting much time with him so i decided to just tell him what i wanted to say asap, I said firstly ‘I have a really hard time with my gender identity and your doctor has constantly shown me that the universe is worth staying alive for and there’s so much important stuff to see’ and he was so humbled and kept saying how much of a privileged it was to hear that and how important it is to him that i said it, i then gave him some gifts and he said my artwork was amazing, if anyone wants to see what i gave to him here’s some tweets (x) (x), anyway, he then glanced at my print i was getting signed and looked at the dedication that said Joseph, and then asked me again what i like to be called and i explained that all of my friends call me localjoseph cause its the @ i use for everything online but i felt weird about getting him to write that so Joseph would be fine but i still don’t know what i like to be called and that i have a hard time with that, and peter smiled really huge and was like ‘thats okay cause so does the doctor!’ he then paused for AGES while closing his eyes with his head down and after like 20 seconds i asked if he was okay because i thought the man was irl buffering lol but he smiled and was like ‘yeah i’m just trying to remember something’ and then kept looking down while quietly saying ‘name to himself’, after a good 45 seconds he started writing the dedication which is SO special to me. (see below)

He wrote that not because my name is Joseph (because its not) but because i specifically said i don’t know what i want to be called, its basically letting me know that one day i will know what i want to be called and it will be heard and thats so special, like i can’t believe he took the time to write all that out, he then wrote out ‘be kind’ for me to get tattooed (x) and also signed my dreamboys vinyl which he was very shocked to find out i paid £100 for (x) (x), we then hugged and i told him i appreciate him so much and he said he really appreciate me sharing what i did with him and as i walked off he had a grin oh his face (x)

The diamond pass came with a photo op that same day so i queued up for that and went in the room with my pride flag (if you want to know why i wanted a pride flag photo op, i wrote a small thread of tweets here on why) but anyway as i walked up to him he excitedly almost yelled ‘THERE HE IS!!!!!’ and said hi a bunch, i asked him what i wanted to do for the pose and he was more than up for it, he held it up and held my hand and the photo came out so lovely, i think someone described it as ‘confident’ and that shook me, like he looks so proud in the photo. I thought that was the last time i was meeting peter so i said goodbye and he thanked me.

The next day was peters talk and i managed to get second row, at one point someone asked him how he prepared for playing a transgender role in prime suspect and his answer warmed my heart a lot, he said that he really got invested in the community and met with many trans people who were currently transitioning because he wanted to understand everything and that he understood being trans wasn’t just putting on an outfit and saying you were something else, he said that everyone he met were so brave and had the biggest hearts and how much he respected them. (psa :I don’t condone cis people playing trans parts at all, but i tend to brush this one off because of how long ago it was and i think now if asked peter would understand its not okay to take parts like that) anyway after that i knew i had to thank peter for saying that so my extra ass bought another photo op to see him again that evening.

we were in batch 17 and i thought it would be hilarious to recreate the ‘will smith and his wife’ pose with peter because i love peter a whole ton and in my head i thought it would be funny and what he deserved. I wasn’t entirely sure on how i was gonna pitch the pose to him but when i went in i saw how rushed the photos were being because it was running over slightly, so when i got there peter excitedly said hi again and i was like ‘hey listen peter i have a pose in mind’ and he said ‘yeah’ and I said ‘all you gotta do is just stand there straight and smile huge’ and he laughed and was like ‘smile huge? smile huge OKAY!’ and i just got on the floor and this happened.

after the photo was taken he was laughing and was like ‘WHAT DOES THIS MEAN’ and i said that it was based on a photo of will smith and his wife and it meant that he was amazing basically and he started beaming and said thank you. As i walked away he grabbed my hand and i turned round and said ‘thank you so much for what you said about trans people on stage earlier it really meant a lot to me’ and he said it was his pleasure while still not letting go of my hand lol, he thanked me a bunch for coming and nice it was to see me and i told him to enjoy the rest of his weekend and he FINALLY let go of my hand when i was like half way across the room to collect my photo.

if you want to see the videos of me meeting peter check here

This post was a little longer than what i expected to be but I just wanted to say that peter had absolutely no business being that kind to me, he could have just rushed through things with me and that be it but he stopped listened to me and so many others, I want you to believe me when i said that peter really cares about what you say to him and he really takes on board your presence because he remembers meeting so many people constantly after meeting thousands a day. He truly is a incredibly special human and we really don’t deserve him. I hope all of you can get to meet him one day too. check out my twitter for other candids of us meeting and stuff here

also a small disclaimer, I don’t identify as a girl or a boy even though my expression is pretty much exclusively masc, I go by he/they pronouns ! thank you x

#peter capaldi #doctor who #twelfth doctor #12th doctor #lfcc #london film and comic con

1K notes · View notes

punkscowardschampions · 5 years

Text

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: where are you? Janis: put my coat away and everything Jimmy: weren't allowed in Jimmy: face don't fit Jimmy: 💔🎻💔 Janis: serious Janis: thought you said you could get in clubs Janis: hang on then, I'll queue up again 😑 Jimmy: it ain't my fault the door bloke's a dickhead Jimmy: fancies his chances better without me in the way Jimmy: might as well go for it now Jimmy: catch you in a bit 👍 Janis: sure, he's got it in for you, boy 😏 Janis: whatever Jimmy: he wants to put it in you Jimmy: understandable when he's going off how well you scrub up Jimmy: keep it off the snap & it is whatever, girl Janis: gross Janis: he's easily 42 Jimmy: don't knock it til you've tried it Jimmy: we ain't in the north so that ain't death's door Jimmy: & you ain't got me there to buy your drinks now, play it smart, rich girl Jimmy: that's how you stay rich, yeah Janis: well I actually got in so I can check out the talent beyond the door 👍 Janis: but tah for the tips Janis: what are you gonna do then Jimmy: big town full of Leprechauns Jimmy: maybe I'll find the pot of gold, gay clubs are the rainbow I assume Jimmy: start there Jimmy: find my own 👴💕 Janis: 🍀 Janis: funny now but when I end up dead in the river you'll be suspect no.1 Jimmy: like anyone's gonna believe I could take you out Jimmy: too 💪 you Jimmy: worry more about everyone chatting that you turned me 🌈 honestly Janis: ha Janis: like you said, keep it off the snap Janis: anyone sees you in there they'll have to out themselves first so Jimmy: 👌 Janis: laters bae Jimmy: 😘 Janis: [finds him, the kiss, walking away] Jimmy: [follows her out leaving this girl like ??!! as she also follows for the awks] Jimmy: [says 'keeping it short & sweet all across town tonight then?' because now is not the time for bants so obvs he's banting] Janis: [is just looking at the girl like bitch what are you doing and ain't gonna talk to him whilst she's there] Jimmy: [lights a 🚬 for an excuse to be still standing there when he's being blanked, sharing with the random girl just to make it worse, introduces Janis to her by one of her fake names cos actual dickhead] Janis: [completely blanks the girl like it would be obvious you were not welcome; 'how do you know no one saw you?'] Jimmy: [the girl be like UM I'm going back in, are you coming boy & he shrugs like in a bit cos still smoking obvs to prolong this & let's her go before he answers cos not trying to explain fake dating to this random] Jimmy: ['you've been in, it's well dead 'cause of being well shit'] Janis: ['so you don't then, in other words. great.'] Jimmy: ['nobody saw me. Calm down.'] Janis: ['fuck off. if you can't do this properly then why suggest it?'] Jimmy: ['I am doing it properly, I told you, it's alright'] Janis: ['for you maybe but that ain't the only part of the deal so sort it out. fucking amatuer'] Jimmy: ['piss off am I. It is sorted. She ain't from around here & nobody who matters saw us.' Janis: [shakes head 'yeah, you are. fuck sake, how old are you, 12?'] Jimmy: [is clearly fuming but trying to act not bothered. 'You'll be the one who fucks this if you don't trust what I'm telling you, girl'] Janis: ['nah, get why they didn't let you in now; what is this, under 18s night? check how old she was, did you?'] Jimmy: [just gives her a fuck you kind of look but that's a mistake cos she's really hot so has to look away] Jimmy: you got in, what did you follow me to this shithole for? Janis: [is laughing at him but it's obvs fake, then shrugs like, why not?] Jimmy: nah go on, you're such a #pro Jimmy: reasons for everything you do, all part of the plan all the time with you Jimmy: so what Janis: well no shit Janis: I didn't want to come out but it's on socials now so we need at least one decent picture together so they know it's #real Jimmy: come on then Jimmy: [poses in a really fake piss taking way] Janis: are you this shit or what Janis: I said, do it properly or I ain't bothering Jimmy: [does that sexy blowing smoke thing at her so it's basically a kiss like that gif I have of Nico doing it in MMFD & snaps a pic of it] Janis: [nods like that'll work 'cos what's she gonna say] Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: [then actually kisses her & again taking pics being all like don't say I don't do shit properly but like we both know he just wants to & its a moment] Janis: [pushes him back 'cos can't deal] Janis: that'll do Janis: keep it softcore, no one needs that much convincing Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: in a bit then Janis: you're seriously going back in there Jimmy: [does the why not shrug she gave him earlier like its so obvious that you want her to tell you not to, boy please] Janis: [scoffs and shrugs back] Janis: have fun Jimmy: try not to fall or get pushed in the river, Joanne Jimmy: it'd be a crying shame that Janis: no one's pushing me away Janis: trust Jimmy: not in that outfit Jimmy: or out of it Jimmy: I get it Jimmy: you've done your snap bragging now, shut up Janis: can't make me Jimmy: 💪🏆 you Jimmy: get that too Janis: good Janis: don't get it twisted Jimmy: 👑 of the #flex Jimmy: nowt twisted here Janis: flexing makes it sound like it ain't true Jimmy: [sends her the pics so she can post them cos ultimate shade for rn that he won't] Jimmy: none of this is Jimmy: what did you say, don't get it twisted, Janet Jimmy: have fun with your #s Jimmy: [goes back inside] Janis: piss off Janis: I can get into places that ain't this dump, remember? Jimmy: you ain't let me forget Jimmy: enjoy being a hot girl then Jimmy: 👍 Janis: 🤞 you can find one yourself Jimmy: tah Janis: so welcome Jimmy: 💕 Janis: 🖕 Jimmy: lovely you Jimmy: [leaves again because it actually is shit in there & obvs not feeling it] Janis: don't take it personal Jimmy: weren't & won't Janis: how unlike you Jimmy: you reckon you know what I'm like Janis: I reckon you love thinking you're special Jimmy: if I loved that we wouldn't be doing this Jimmy: I'd just let 'em all fawn over me like its their job while I do mine Janis: better in theory and bullshit than in practice Janis: 🤷 Jimmy: say the same for this fake girlfriend bollocks Janis: 💔 for you Janis: naturally Jimmy: 🎻🎻 Jimmy: I'll live Janis: shame Jimmy: 💔 for you then Janis: yeah, should be Janis: inconsiderate Jimmy: reckon you've got that covered, my dear Jimmy: but I'll do my best Janis: excuse me? Jimmy: you heard Jimmy: & I bet you understood, smart girl Janis: are you drunk? Jimmy: you calling me a lightweight Jimmy: I weren't in there that long Janis: long enough Janis: 👍 Jimmy: for you maybe Janis: soz you didn't get stinky fingers? Janis: 🎻 Jimmy: yeah you looked proper sorry about it Janis: was I meant to be? Jimmy: don't bother saying it now then Janis: 🙄 Janis: did you a favour anyway Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: please Janis: even you could do better Janis: not doing this so you can throw all my good work away already Jimmy: than a girl who's not from around here, ain't gonna say shit & I don't need to see again Jimmy: not really Jimmy: but go on Janis: whatever, if that's your type Janis: then you may as well make your choice of the basics now and be done with it Jimmy: I don't have a type Jimmy: she did the job for tonight Jimmy: or would've until you turned up Jimmy: if you've got someone better in mind, I'm heading home, send 'em over Janis: lovely you Jimmy: I know Jimmy: tah though Janis: no, thank you for proving my point Jimmy: so welcome Janis: gone, was she Jimmy: or 💀 from the 🔪🔪🔪s you were throwing Jimmy: could've easily bled out while you were having your strop Janis: just playing the part Janis: like you were meant to Janis: or you want your fake gf to be that cool girl Janis: 🙄 figures Jimmy: I only clock in when there's actually an audience, babe Jimmy: like you're meant to Jimmy: & as I told you, there weren't Janis: sure Janis: you did a whole sweep of the club to doublecheck Janis: idiot Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: it ain't big or packed Jimmy: & anyway if you were playing a role you'd have kicked off in front of the everyone you're so sure was about Jimmy: not outside to me Janis: not my style Janis: but you did your part by following me out like a puppy so we're fine Jimmy: 'cause I ain't no amateur Jimmy: weren't gonna let you fuck it up by fucking off without a word Jimmy: thought you paddy's loved a bar fight Jimmy: actually 💔💔 Janis: and I know boys love bitch fights, don't mean you're gonna get one from me Jimmy: gutted me Jimmy: of all the fake girlfriends I could've had Jimmy: lumbered with a dud like Julie over here Janis: find another one then Janis: save me the hassle Jimmy: bit late for that Jimmy: deal's done Jimmy: posts are posted Janis: people break up Janis: ain't even that deep Jimmy: 1 day in? Jimmy: that's the rep you want Jimmy: alright then Janis: why ain't it your rep Jimmy: I'm the lad I'm always gonna come off better Jimmy: either I dumped you this fast 'cause you wouldn't fuck me or 'cause you did Jimmy: It don't matter to me Jimmy: & It don't look bad for me whichever way Janis: that's bullshit Janis: when's the soonest I can get out of this then Jimmy: yeah but it's the way it'll look Jimmy: I don't know Jimmy: not had to stage a fake break up before Janis: fuck sake Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Janis: fuck off with that Janis: all you've done this whole time is whine you didn't get laid Janis: like I stopped you Jimmy: I ain't said shit about it even though you did stop me Jimmy: you're the one with so much chat on the subject Janis: bullshit, you're moaning on and on like I'm gonna feel sorry for you Janis: you could've gone back in, she clearly didn't care you've got a fake girlfriend Jimmy: bollocks Jimmy: & you clearly scared her off Jimmy: she didn't know about you, I don't lead with that chat up line Janis: yeah she's that fucking stupid Janis: just 'cos you're oblivious don't reckon everyone else is Jimmy: oblivious to what Jimmy: you weren't there & I didn't give her anything real Jimmy: she can't stalk my socials to check my fake relationship status without my name Janis: when I showed up Janis: to me, playing my part Janis: if you reckon she didn't clock that then you're literally braindead Jimmy: like I said, you scared her off Jimmy: & stopped me Jimmy: why am I repeating myself, are you the drunk one now Janis: bullshit Janis: don't use me as an excuse for whyever you pussied out Jimmy: piss off Jimmy: I went back in, I don't need excuses it's literally what happened Jimmy: you fucked it up for me Jimmy: I'm good but nobody's that good Janis: 👌 Janis: whatever makes you feel better about your fuck up Jimmy: whatever makes you feel better about putting on a show for nobody but me & her Janis: you wish Jimmy: if this is your coming out, sure you could track her down & crack on, you did me easy enough Janis: hilarious Janis: even if I was gay, I'd have standards Jimmy: I've got standards but I've also got a nightmare of a fake girlfriend so Jimmy: well paranoid about getting rumbled she is Janis: 1. clearly not Janis: 2. well yeah, 'cos I ain't doing this for my fucking health Janis: like you said, you're gonna fuck up my rep when you've promised the opposite Jimmy: 1. I've already told you, needs must Jimmy: 2. fuck knows why you're doing it when you're so up yourself & convinced you can get anyone else you want Jimmy: like I said & yeah, promised, a deal's a deal Jimmy: I ain't gonna do nowt of the sort Jimmy: just calm down Janis: yeah, this is 100% about getting boys to wanna ride me Janis: boys are easy, no one needs to try to impress yous Janis: and don't tell me to calm down, seriously Janis: 'less you wanna see the opposite Jimmy: I don't give a shit what it's about for you Jimmy: you agreed to do this that's all that matters to me Jimmy: but I knew that's how you 🍀 welcomed the tourists Jimmy: better late than never Janis: stop chatting like you know then, twat Jimmy: only a rule for you that? Jimmy: you've been chatting like you know me this whole night Jimmy: leave it out or show up to my door for the brawl you want & tick off another nightmare girlfriend cliche before tomorrow Janis: you reckon you can propose it and come off all mysterious Janis: nah 😂 Janis: don't worry, sure everyone else is still wondering, new boy Jimmy: 👍 Janis: we're probably good now for a few days anyway yeah Janis: so enjoy Jimmy: will do Jimmy: have a good one Jimmy: 💕 Janis: say you too but you're going home? Jimmy: like I said, I'll live Jimmy: got work tomorrow anyway Janis: best to face them not-hungover I guess Jimmy: we can say that's the reason Janis: oh my GOD Janis: give it up Jimmy: already have Jimmy: that's why I'm on my way home Janis: I mean, sadsack, I ain't apologizing Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Janis: so much effort, you Jimmy: you too, babe Jimmy: must be #fated Janis: eurgh Janis: shut up 😂 Jimmy: alright Jimmy: night then Janis: now he listens Jimmy: not on the 🕒 girl, soz Jimmy: soon enough Janis: you hear me asking for a latte Jimmy: I mean your fake boyfriend one Jimmy: & you'd never ask for a latte, piss off Jimmy: I don't have to know you to know that Janis: MY 🕒? Janis: YOUR fake girlfriend one, own it at least Janis: alright, you can 'know' that much Janis: 'cos I'd have to throw it in your face before I drank it so Jimmy: iced it is then Jimmy: burn scars ain't the sexy sort Janis: rude but true Janis: not giving them the satisfaction of a wet t-shirt moment 🤢 Jimmy: shame Janis: like romcoms too do you Janis: seriously, give in to your pride and date fucking Janis: samantha, whatever her name is Jimmy: I watched some before I suggested this 'cause I take this shit seriously, alright, shut up Janis: 😂 Janis: that bodes well Janis: did you not make the end of any, boy Jimmy: fuck that Jimmy: I was skimming Jimmy: you ain't paying me nowt for this Janis: well I've been forced through enough to know that it never works because the people are idiots Janis: so try not to be one, eh Janis: just this once Jimmy: same to you, girl Jimmy: I get it, I'm really 💪😎 & the accent's 🔥 but don't get carried away, yeah Janis: 🙄 Janis: we're safe Janis: don't worry Jimmy: not if you keep dressing like that Jimmy: sort it out, Jasmine Jimmy: uglier the better 👌 Janis: dickhead Janis: what you want an ugly fake gf for Jimmy: be more #goals Jimmy: #Iloveheranyway Jimmy: #itaintjustskindeepladies Janis: 😒 Janis: well thanks for the insult but too bad 'cos I ain't ever Jimmy: It was literally the opposite of an insult, dickhead Jimmy: I'm saying I'm still a lad alright Jimmy: & when you look like that it's just Janis: it obviously ain't if until now you reckoned I was #ugenough to get the job done so 🖕 Janis: don't take the piss Jimmy: that ain't what I reckoned or what I said Janis: mhmm Janis: ⛏ Jimmy: you're such a knob Jimmy: what kind of fake girlfriend can't take a compliment Janis: what kind of fake boyfriend can't give one Janis: that's the real question, babe Jimmy: I literally just told you how hot you looked, babe Jimmy: try & stay with me here Janis: go on then Janis: what's the punchline Jimmy: shut up Jimmy: the joke is that I'm back home this early Jimmy: my dad's still up Jimmy: & he ain't the type to wait Janis: that's tragic Janis: poor baby Janis: could be worse, he could still be out Janis: then you'd be a real loser Jimmy: I see that & raise you he's got his girlfriend here Jimmy: might genuinely throw up in the kitchen sink Janis: oh dear Janis: least he might think you're at least drunk, sadsack Jimmy: might get drunk now to deal Jimmy: one sec Janis: honestly Janis: shoulda stayed at the nappy night Janis: weren't that bad Jimmy: if I'd known I was coming home to Michael Bublé & two sets of red wine teeth Jimmy: if you still want that fight come & 💀💀 me Janis: You'll get no mercy from me Janis: even if that's the worst thing I've ever heard Jimmy: come on Jimmy: if that's not truce worthy nowt is Jimmy: end my life & be a hot widow what could be more #goals Janis: 😂 Janis: there's no way I like you that much after a day, even faking it Janis: and no chance we've cashed in any sort of life insurance so Jimmy: actually if I 💀 myself you'll get A's in your exams Jimmy: hang on Jimmy: just leaving you a 💕 note Janis: that's definitely a myth Janis: whole school of scabs turning up at cambo like eyy someone topped themselves so now I'm a professor of theology Janis: I think not Jimmy: bit rude Jimmy: & you could've said before I blew my brains out all over my dad & the love of his week but Janis: 🤷 Janis: maybe if you hadn't left it 'til the 💕💀 note to be nice to me Jimmy: when that girl finds out she's gonna think it's because she's a shit kisser Jimmy: that's awkward Jimmy: might have to go haunt her for a bit Jimmy: make sure she knows Jimmy: play some Bublé tunes Janis: again Janis: saving it for the afterlife to be considerate Janis: dickhead Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: tell 'em none of his songs at my funeral & I won't haunt you too hard Janis: come on, sure he's murdered my way Janis: just your speed Janis: basic white boy Jimmy: It ain't my fault my parents are both too northern to branch out Janis: save it for when your Swayze'ing that bitch Janis: sure she thinks you're dead exotic Jimmy: 👍 idea Jimmy: tah babe Janis: whatever Janis: we've established you've only got 👎 ones so Jimmy: piss off Jimmy: this fake dating one is working out top Jimmy: deny it Jimmy: I saw how everyone reacted to the posts I gave you Janis: you can take a picture Jimmy: & pose for one Jimmy: this basic white boy is working for you Janis: my ancestors will be thrilled Janis: #reparationsbitch Jimmy: mine too, I bet Janis: I mean, anything beats dying down a mine, I suppose Janis: probs racists though, even if the blackface weren't intentional Jimmy: I'd take it over my present right now Jimmy: pretty sure my dad's a racist still, even if he also likes Seal Janis: lovely Janis: remind me to not come over for tea Jimmy: invite's in the post, my love Janis: 👍 Janis: give us all the chance to 'lose' it Jimmy: 'course Jimmy: but I'm giving you the chance to lose it when you come over too so Jimmy: love a fight you Jimmy: & my dad's got a very smackable face Jimmy: & personality Janis: begin to sound more and more like you've got a fetish Jimmy: shit's kicking off right now & I haven't asked you to tag team Jimmy: got me all wrong Janis: bummer Janis: he pick a minger too? Janis: should've left her at the club like you did Jimmy: he'd have to leave her in the office & that don't work for long Jimmy: perils of 😍 over the water cooler Janis: eurgh Janis: is your whole fam just one big cliche or Jimmy: piss off Janis: just saying Janis: that's two no-nos ticked off Jimmy: well don't say it Jimmy: I'm living it, that's enough Janis: alright Jimmy: alright Jimmy: don't fuck anyone I wouldn't Jimmy: saves us comparing notes Janis: the basic white girls and you are safe Janis: I'll never find out how disappointing you are 💕 Jimmy: You've misunderstood this entire thing, you're my fake girlfriend 'cause I don't wanna fuck basic white girls Jimmy: but 👌 Janis: I thought so too but you must be the confused one Janis: strobe lights were not going that hard Jimmy: she weren't top of my list Jimmy: I told you, needs must Janis: keep protesting, it's so convincing Janis: least it's just me who caught you out 😂 could've been worse Jimmy: alright shut up Jimmy: you've never had a shit night, have you Janis: obviously not Janis: have you seen me Jimmy: you ain't getting no more compliments I'm still holding onto the last one since you wouldn't take it Janis: 1. it was not a compliment Janis: 2. not like I need it Jimmy: 1. yeah it was Jimmy: 2. nah you just want it Janis: 1. no Janis: 2. and no Jimmy: Obviously you're fit that's why I asked you so leave it out Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: p sure you told me to leave it 'cos you were losing but Jimmy: need more chatting up than a real girlfriend you Janis: that's just a tragic insight into your dating history I didn't need, really Jimmy: you wish, baby Janis: ew cease and desist Janis: we definitely no'd that one Jimmy: 😂 Janis: so annoying Jimmy: I told you, #fated Janis: you call it #fated, I call it #doomed Jimmy: it's all still bollocks Jimmy: no # needed Jimmy: 💕 Janis: so poetic Jimmy: wait til you read the 💀 note Janis: I look forward to it Janis: how long 'fore I can move on with the actual hot barista though Jimmy: a day for a day Jimmy: only fair Jimmy: I get it, you couldn't score him first time round so get him with the sympathy Jimmy: well played Janis: you gave me no time Janis: not like it's my usual haunt Jimmy: it's still your home town Jimmy: get a better excuse Janis: I don't make it my business to know everyone else's Jimmy: if he's that hot no need for him to be just a rebound off my demise Jimmy: sort yourself out, girl Janis: sort yourself out for doubting his hotness Jimmy: I ain't Jimmy: I'm doubting your ability to close that deal Janis: fuck you Janis: never had an off day, remember Jimmy: only got your word for that Jimmy: & what's that worth with how much shit you chat Janis: whatever Janis: you already said you think I'm hot Janis: can't change your mind now Jimmy: you are Jimmy: don't mean that basic white lad wants you Janis: why wouldn't he Jimmy: I'll let you know when I've chatted to him on shift tomorrow Jimmy: maybe he likes his missus' more humble for a start Janis: no you won't Janis: and humble is just code for no self-esteem which you only want to cover up your own failings Jimmy: yeah I will Jimmy: & yeah maybe he's into that Jimmy: loads of lads are Janis: um he's #special and #different Janis: so don't ruin it for me with your chatter Jimmy: you're blinded by your 😍 Jimmy: & you ruined tonight for me so why shouldn't I Jimmy: makes us even Janis: no it don't Janis: she weren't no barista boy, get real Jimmy: don't matter to me Jimmy: nowt in the rules about keeping things fair Jimmy: we didn't even come up with any so Janis: even=fair so you don't get to get even by that logic, fool Janis: and pretty self-explanatory, just real relationship rules but make them fake Jimmy: even as I call it, fair as I call it Janis: fuck that Janis: you don't get to call everything Jimmy: watch me Janis: nah, you need me Janis: remember Janis: that's why it's a deal Jimmy: maybe I don't need you as much as I reckoned Jimmy: the basic white girl tonight weren't that bad Janis: like I said, call it off then Janis: in what world do I need to do what you tell me Jimmy: in the same world where you think I would do anything you tell me Jimmy: so the one we're in Janis: I ain't told you to do shit Jimmy: you are now Jimmy: call it off yourself, don't try & make me do it for you Janis: I'm saying don't act like you've got something over me Janis: at least something that I don't also have over you Janis: it ain't that deep, God Jimmy: deep enough for you to keep saying it ain't Jimmy: so convincing, babe Janis: 😑 Janis: you're the most annoying person I've had the misfortune of meeting Jimmy: nah 🥇 you Janis: well I love myself Janis: so obviously not Jimmy: let's ask about Jimmy: I reckon you'll win easy Janis: only if we were asking only the girls Janis: and you're new, you're basically anything they want you to be 'til your personality ruins it Jimmy: you're so popular with the lads, alright I heard you the first 100 times you said it Jimmy: get one of them to fake date you Janis: nah, this is the first sincere offer of fake dating I've ever Janis: so you can still feel special Jimmy: 😍😍😍 Jimmy: I can go to bed feeling like this is better than anything I could dream Jimmy: tah so much Janis: welcome Janis: do what I can Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: so far it's piss me off but let's see what tomorrow brings Janis: ain't on the ⏲ Janis: you didn't do all the convincing yourself though Jimmy: you ain't the one who needs to be convinced of owt Jimmy: thank fuck Jimmy: easy targets Janis: ain't saying I am Janis: saying give me the credit I'm owed and you'll get yours Jimmy: bollocks Janis: ? Jimmy: you were ready to slag me off earlier & loving it when you could give me credit for getting off with someone who ain't gonna ruin this Janis: it ain't the who it's the where, twat Janis: it ain't your hometown, you ain't got a clue who was or wasn't there, lbr Janis: give a fuck if you took her home but you can't be doing it in public 'til this is done Janis: simple as Jimmy: fuck's sake Jimmy: trust me Janis: why? Janis: I don't know you, you don't know me Jimmy: we're in this together or we're fucking not Jimmy: if I weren't as bothered as you I wouldn't be wasting my time Janis: fine Janis: don't be stupid about it then Jimmy: I weren't & I won't Janis: then there's no problem here Jimmy: 👍 Janis: night then Jimmy: 💕 Janis: remember to ❤ the pics Jimmy: already did Jimmy: try & keep up with me, girl Janis: 👌 Janis: keen as always, boy Jimmy: serious Jimmy: remember that next time Janis: yeah, I was the one taking it not serious Janis: 👍 Jimmy: just do better tomorrow Janis: are you actually taking the piss Jimmy: maybe Jimmy: one for the road, like Janis: mm Janis: as I said Janis: most annoying Jimmy: as I said, SUCH a good match Janis: just convince them and we're both free Jimmy: already did that too Jimmy: so say the word Jimmy: any time or place Janis: and you already said if we leave it at a fuck, I look bad so Janis: sorry, not yet Jimmy: I'm just saying Jimmy: whenever Janis: alright, I know Janis: not like it's a legally binding contract Jimmy: so I shouldn't have opened a vein to sign something in my blood Jimmy: now she tells me Jimmy: always too late you Janis: 😏 Janis: earlier it was brains, now it's veins Janis: should I call the samaritans Janis: starting to sound like a cry for help, idk 🤔 Jimmy: you heard me say what's happening in my house tonight Jimmy: it is & you should Janis: 😂 Jimmy: glad you find MB on a loop such a laugh Janis: as long as it's drowning out worse Janis: be thankful Jimmy: do you actually want me to 💀💀💀 Janis: awh babe, no Janis: I don't care whether you live or die either way Jimmy: 💕 Janis: that's the type of service you get for free, kid Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [ze next morning] Janis: I've got to come in later Jimmy: really need to throw that latte on me? Janis: ha, obviously Janis: tell me when my sister and that get there, yeah Janis: remember what they look like Jimmy: it was only a handful of kisses, you gotta get over your jealousy about last night, Jill Jimmy: & yeah Jimmy: my best customers that's the type of service you get here at the CG Janis: strangely enough, not about you or my fake jealousy Janis: just lay off the charm offensive for five when I get there, that's all I need you to do Jimmy: alright Janis: 👍 Janis: see you then Jimmy: in a bit Janis: it'll be easy, no drama Jimmy: no fake break up then Jimmy: 👌 Janis: sorry to disappoint Jimmy: yeah I'm well 💔💔💔 Janis: make it up to you Janis: you'll get tons more #lad points Jimmy: clearly my top priority tah Jimmy: what's going on? Janis: I know you're just as 😍 for him Janis: nah, nothing, my sister's just being more of a bitch than usual Jimmy: you can't know I've been so careful with my 💘 & 😍 around him so there Jimmy: & what you wanna shut her up Janis: oh babes 🙊 Janis: yep Janis: need to, actually, but that's the gist Jimmy: don't she believe we're madly in love? Jimmy: bit rude Janis: appaz, you have no control over your 😍 at all 'cos she #knows you're into her so Janis: 👌 tah Jimmy: 1. she can piss off 'cause I've never Jimmy: 2. I know exactly what to do Janis: yeah, she's full of shit Janis: well so do I but open to ideas Jimmy: you get to do what you want, she's your sister & they weren't my 😍 Janis: 👍 stick to the plan then Janis: she's an idiot, you have to be blatant or she won't get it Jimmy: you gonna tell me the plan or nah Jimmy: & I get paid not to be blatant, gutted as I am about it Janis: you won't get in trouble Janis: not gonna go that hard Jimmy: not what I asked Janis: like you're as dumb as her? Janis: just gotta come be really #goals in their faces Janis: 5 minutes, tops Janis: easy Jimmy: double it if you wanna be #convincing Jimmy: never given a girl so little time in my life Janis: #swoon 😏 Janis: like I said, not gonna go that hard 'cos it has to be in front of them Janis: that's the whole point Janis: just look like you're having fun, yeah? Jimmy: you have to go hard in front of them, that's the whole point Jimmy: not as dumb as her tah Janis: 10 minutes is a bit much for making out Janis: could get it done in that time Jimmy: who have you been making out with? Jimmy: actually gutted for you Jimmy: can't even add the piss taking emojis right now Janis: shut up Janis: I'm not gonna suck face with you for 10 minutes Jimmy: if you can't hack it, call it off now Janis: 😑 Janis: just tell me when they're there Jimmy: said I would Janis: saving the enthusiasm, I get it Jimmy: that & drying my eyes over your real dating history Janis: what are you chatting now Jimmy: nowt Jimmy: just making ☕ Jimmy: you're the one giving away your shit kissing secrets Janis: piss off Janis: there's nothing wrong with my kissing Janis: it's just the boring bit, everyone knows that Janis: may as well skip it Jimmy: if you're doing it wrong, yeah Janis: you aren't an expert Janis: people like different shit, alright Jimmy: calm down Jimmy: you ain't meant to be coming in swinging Janis: stop being a dick then Janis: it's off-putting Jimmy: if you're that easy to put off this fake relationship is properly doomed Janis: I told you Jimmy: get it together or don't come Janis: I'm fine Janis: you're the one chatting shit Janis: you've got one job Jimmy: two Jimmy: get it right, rich girl Janis: yeah, so drop the relationship therapist bit Janis: no one's buying Jimmy: I get it, you're rich 'cause you're tight with every penny Janis: You're just full of shit, and I get that for free Janis: 🍀 me Jimmy: you wish I were Jimmy: but we ain't making 'em come true until the girls get here so Janis: why would I want that Jimmy: my therapist bit's been dropped Jimmy: at your request Janis: we'll talk about this comedian bit later Janis: I've got things to do Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: me too Janis: things that require more than one braincell but Janis: happy for you Jimmy: soz I'm not performing brain surgery right now Jimmy: well patronizing you Janis: whatever Janis: unlikely to catch my sister or obs so suits my purpose Janis: on* Jimmy: happy for you Janis: suits yours too Janis: or were you looking for someone to be really into you slobbering all over them Janis: shoulda been clearer Jimmy: there's nowt about kissing you for exactly 5 minutes mid shift at my job which suits me Jimmy: but go on Janis: I said 5, tops Janis: get it done in less if you're gonna be so moody Janis: yes or no, can I come in or what Jimmy: do what you want it's your masterplan Janis: well not if you're actually gonna get in trouble Jimmy: like you give a shit about my job security Jimmy: plenty of places to make a latte in this town Janis: I ain't that much of a bitch Jimmy: who knows maybe you'll do me a favor & force me into a job that requires two braincells next Janis: shut up Janis: it was a joke Janis: and you started it Jimmy: really funny you Janis: backatcha Jimmy: 💕 Janis: forget about it Jimmy: alright Janis: nothing lost, yeah Jimmy: nowt gained either but Jimmy: whatever Janis: well despite what you reckon, my secondary goal wasn't to get you sacked so Janis: sorta outweighs the need to get back at them Jimmy: you couldn't get me sacked if you tried Jimmy: you've got one foot out the door before you're even in Janis: you want me hanging about all day Jimmy: not what I said or meant Jimmy: I've had more of a connection with a customer whose order got fucked up than what you're planning to give me Jimmy: who the fuck is that meant to convince Jimmy: but I'm the one not doing this properly Janis: maybe we should fake hang out some more after this Janis: alright Janis: but all you've gotta convince 'em rn is that you wanna fuck me Janis: that's all they care about Jimmy: then I'll let you know when they show up Jimmy: like I said Janis: yeah? Janis: alright Janis: thanks Jimmy: nowt to thank me for Jimmy: blue balls is easy to fake when my dad's getting fucked more often than me Janis: 🎻 then Jimmy: 💔 but I got all those MB jams from last night in my head to mend it Janis: come through for you after-all Jimmy: he'll come to me forever now with those words of wisdom Jimmy: I'll never be free Jimmy: mind numbing job combined with mind numbing family life Jimmy: so few braincells Janis: what was it you said at the start of this convo Janis: need to let it go Jimmy: I can say what I like Jimmy: who are you Jimmy: let go of your fake being bothered Janis: fine Janis: have fun chatting shit to your customers then Jimmy: I survive on tips so I very much will Janis: don't know if sob story is the way you wanna go but Janis: you do you Jimmy: if you're sobbing, you do you Jimmy: probably get out of the mansion a bit more though Jimmy: it's fairly common out here Janis: boohoo? Janis: lemme dry my tears on a 50 Janis: what do you expect me to say Jimmy: don't say nowt Jimmy: shut up Janis: erm, say what I like Janis: who are you Jimmy: the one you're chatting shit to Jimmy: fuck knows why Janis: fucking hell Janis: what is wrong with you this morning Jimmy: the same thing that's wrong with me every morning Jimmy: but since you don't know me Jimmy: 1. it's news to you and 2. we don't need to go into it Janis: 👍 Janis: later Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: [skip to lunch time when they'd show up & so would loads of other people lol] Jimmy: head's up, Juliet, your time to shine Janis: right Janis: okay, be there in 10 Jimmy: take as long as you need Jimmy: they ain't even ordered yet Jimmy: it'll look weird if you come through the door too soon after them Jimmy: like we planned it Janis: ha Janis: true enough Janis: they can kill a fair while, I imagine Janis: clean up properly then Jimmy: they can when they're too busy talking about us to pick up a menu Janis: ugh Janis: fun Jimmy: I'd forgotten Mia was still capable of speech Jimmy: I thought all the throwing up had destroyed her throat entirely Jimmy: she usually just communicates via 💀 stares Jimmy: I see why you two get on so well Janis: if you keep making me tell you I'm special and universally loved, you can't get mad at me for it, like Janis: and it's you that she's made the impression on Janis: that's Janis: nice Jimmy: getting mad at you for not taking a real compliment from your fake boyfriend ain't the same as not patting you on the back for being a dickhead Jimmy: yeah obviously hurry up or I'll run away with her Jimmy: won't be able to help myself & you've been warned Janis: highly doubt she can run Janis: bit cold to give her heart failure but I'm not crying here so Jimmy: I'll carry her then, more #goals anyway Janis: how Janis: she weighs sod all Jimmy: still get the rom com visual Jimmy: all that matters Janis: nah Janis: try and shift the big one Janis: that'd be something Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: easy 💪🏆 Janis: can't just promise her free pastries Janis: that's cheating Jimmy: you can't just start imposing rules now Jimmy: too little too late Jimmy: & shamelessly cheating Janis: 🙄 she'd go with anyone for a cream cake Janis: even the least hot one Jimmy: like I said, easy Janis: ugh okay Janis: guess it counts as a win Janis: not happy about it though Jimmy: I'm not happy about doing my back in for her but Janis: needs must? Jimmy: you know Jimmy: how cute that we're finishing each other's sentences though 😍😍 Janis: 😂 Janis: if you could find a subtle way to let 'em know how goals we're being Jimmy: I've been 😍 at my phone since they came in, don't worry Jimmy: not an amateur Janis: good thing I stopped chatting or it'd be more like 😒 Janis: kinda cute but not really painting me in the best light Jimmy: like you said, only got one job Jimmy: I'll paint you in the best light you've ever Janis: 👍 Janis: you want me to leave it in the tip jar or bit too obvious Jimmy: where'd your sense of humor spring from? Jimmy: MIA a bit ago Janis: that was you Janis: cheek! Jimmy: can't be a comedian which you called me & a moody cunt which you may as well have Jimmy: make your mind up, Jenna Janis: if you can't do what I want and don't do what I don't, without any helpful direction, what kind of boyfriend are you Janis: tbh Jimmy: the fake kind Jimmy: & I'll fake owt you need me to Jimmy: starting as soon as Janis: 😍 Janis: you know the drill, yeah? Janis: swear I'll piss off long before they've even asked for extra sprinkles, probably Jimmy: not my first girlfriend or barista job Jimmy: but that is an offer I can't refuse Janis: spare us both the debrief then 👌 Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: actually do hurry up though they're doing my head in Janis: you know they ain't gonna leave with me, yeah Janis: stunned into silence is a big ask, can try but Jimmy: I don't have to try Jimmy: it'll happen Jimmy: & I'll take it Janis: let the 💋 do the talking Jimmy: it will do Jimmy: louder than the bollocks they're chatting Jimmy: I told you, I know what I'm doing Janis: they do that, a lot Janis: should know better than me now Janis: I can try and avoid them out of school Jimmy: best customers remember, I do know Jimmy: & we're doing this 'cause I can't avoid them here Janis: exactly Janis: not forgot Janis: nor am I as dumb as them, tah Jimmy: skip the 'on the previous episode of the CG' bit then Jimmy: nowt you can tell me about any of 'em Jimmy: & even less I'd wanna know Janis: I ain't telling you anything Janis: it's all bullshit anyway Janis: whatever they're saying, that's a guarantee Jimmy: way ahead of you on that, sweetheart Janis: hope that's not the patronizing tone you settled on for your punters Janis: 😬 Jimmy: so you are worried about my job security Jimmy: well romantic 💕 Janis: I told you I weren't that bitch Janis: am leaving though Janis: be there in a few Jimmy: good Janis: what happened to take the time you need, boy Janis: only took a shower Janis: be grateful Jimmy: I said they're doing my head in Jimmy: & you already called me moody so Jimmy: tah for the romantic gesture of showering though Jimmy: 😍😍 Janis: so you gotta take every opportunity to be as sulky as? Janis: come on, I'll call you lots of better things if that's how it works Jimmy: do you want me to react to you kissing me like 😒 Jimmy: if the answer is yeah, take your time Janis: I thought you had this Janis: was your last gf a glutton for punishment or something 'cos no Jimmy: she weren't fake Jimmy: didn't have to pretend to be into it Jimmy: puts you at 👎 before you've kicked things off Janis: you said it weren't hard Janis: so which is it Jimmy: when did I ever say kissing you wasn't the bane of my life Jimmy: must've been drunk Jimmy: if I did Janis: grow up Janis: kiss's a kiss Janis: unless there's some unsexy scalding issue or similar Jimmy: not part of the deal, baby Jimmy: & no it ain't Jimmy: there's a whole scale of good & shit if you want me to rate you in a bit Janis: oh yeah! Janis: what girl doesn't want that Jimmy: if a kiss is a kiss what do you care Jimmy: don't matter, does it Janis: we don't trust each other, remember Janis: you'll just say I'm shit to be that dickhead Janis: and I know I ain't so who needs to hear more of your nonsense Jimmy: you don't trust me, I never said nowt about you Jimmy: I ain't that dickhead & I don't lie Jimmy: you're just shitting yourself about what the truth is Jimmy: that ain't my fault or problem Janis: sure Janis: your opinion ain't fact Jimmy: never said it were Jimmy: or that I give a fuck if you want it or don't Jimmy: I'm not 💔 that you don't like me Janis: you just called it the truth Janis: and you 100% said you don't trust me last night too so shut up, casual gaslighting here Janis: I wouldn't be Janis: don't like anyone, nothing to get upset about, ain't that deep, ain't that personal Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: how many times are you gonna try & tell me it ain't that deep like you don't have shit to lose if this fucks up Jimmy: you shut up, girl Jimmy: focus Janis: oh no, they'll bitch about me in cafes harder Janis: whatever will I do Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: end it then Jimmy: stop wasting my time Janis: as far as foreplay goes Janis: this is topnotch Janis: truly Jimmy: if I cared about you being turned on, we'd have bigger problems Jimmy: be in or get out Janis: don't worry, makes you the same as the rest of the lads Janis: I'm literally walking Jimmy: that ain't what I mean Jimmy: don't be a dickhead Jimmy: it matters to you or it don't so which is it Janis: come on Janis: ain't doing this for my health Janis: or a laugh, thankfully Jimmy: stop taking the piss then Jimmy: save your 🙄 for them on your way in & out Janis: alright, whatever Janis: I ain't asked you why you're really that arsed so you don't need to ask me Janis: it don't matter Jimmy: I ain't asking Jimmy: I'm telling you I ain't gonna keep threatening to pull the plug every time you have a strop Jimmy: & I'm the one who's acting 12, yeah alright Jimmy: sort your shit or leave me & it out Janis: oh my God Janis: who's told you to Janis: if emojis count as strops then you're fucked Jimmy: piss off Janis: literally just got here Jimmy: you're so fucking Janis: save it Janis: [comes in] Jimmy: [intense eye contact cos we know] Janis: [we know what happens not giving much chance for chat here] Jimmy: [just like we know he shamelessly ain't that good at faking anything] Janis: [when you have to bounce 'cos what was that] Jimmy: [the levels of hot it would be, I literally can't. It's a miracle they ever speak again]

1 note · View note

menzosarres · 6 years

Text

And I Am Not Resigned

Fandom: Grace and Frankie

Pairing: See Fandom

Length: 5k (for now)

Rating: T (for now)

Summary: "[SPOILERS]" is one heck of a conversation starter. Grace is focused on the "but" she can't figure out how to say. Frankie is focused on semantics. Or maybe they're focused on the same thing.

AKA a post-s5 fix-it of some sort of another, and possibly just a start.

A/N: Sometime my queue dies because I’m busy with work. Other times my queue dies because the end of a season wrecks me so completely I start writing fic for a fandom I’ve never even said “Hi” to and don’t come out all day.

[AO3]

...but now I think that might have been a huge mistake.

The all-night thought. The should’ve-been-a-honeymoon thought. Pete Repeat on a loop from the minute she came out here to the minute after she said the first half of the words to right now, while Frankie is sinking down in the sand beside her while she’s not saying anything more than I married Nick last night even when there’s so much more to be said.

I married Nick last night. I married a man I love. Without any kind of show. No performance. No bitterness, no rubbing-it-in, no patching over old wounds. Just me, and him, and a few legal necessities and one simple gold band on my finger (which feels very cold out here, now that I’m holding it up between us. It’s overcast. It’s the breeze, you know. The spray.)

I married Nick last night.

But there’s a but. There’s always a but. And sometimes she says it and sometimes she doesn’t, because somewhere down the line there was a smarmy boss with heavy white eyebrows over swampy, wandering eyes who told her he’d started hearing her say “but there’s just one more thing” in his dreams at night but hey, at least it had taken over from nightmares about his ex-mother-in-law. Except she never liked the thought of her “buts” staring in anyone’s dreams. She’s not going to be anyone’s naysaying nightmare. Not even nightmare improvement. Especially not for men like that, who made it clear that he didn’t like her “buts” because “but” is awful close to “no,” and “no” ruins the kinds of dreams he’d rather be having about her.

It’s been a lot of years since she has had to put up with a boss like that. Since men have thought of her like that, says a smaller voice. Because sometimes, despite herself, she’s taken those kinds of things to heart. The less you admit there’s a “but,” the faster you can get right to fixing things without admitting anything ever went wrong.

But she wants to say it this time. She wants to say “but.”

I married Nick last night, but.

But I didn’t tell you.

But I didn’t talk to you.

But I left here angry with you and angry with myself for being angry with you and angry with myself for dismissing you and here I went and did it all over again.

...but now I think that might have been a huge mistake.

We all know the kind of choices I make when I’m angry.

Bad ones, she wants Frankie to say. And she wants Frankie to call her out on it, to bring up the fact that she slept in the woods three hallucinations deep into both kinds of moonshine rather than face up to one more bunk-bedded night of Frankie’s appalling attempt at a girl’s trip. She wants them to laugh about her terrible choices, and talk about whether this one is, that. Terrible. A huge mistake.

But she can’t even get out the “but” that’s been on repeat for hours, let alone any of the ones that might be an apology. They’re stuck somewhere between the fact that her huge mistakes are usually someone else’s nightmares and the fact that Frankie can’t even look at her.

Her hip hurts. She sat on that rock too long. She stood up too fast. Tried to run too fast in the loose sand. It’s going to hurt more, getting down beside her, but she does it anyway. Gets as far as the good knee before she has to stall, brace herself, and it doesn’t not strike her where she is, down on one knee in the sand beside Frankie Bergstein, but even though she stalls, several seconds past the ache in her thigh, Frankie doesn’t so much as glance her way, so down she goes. Knees in someone’s sandy footprints. Ass on her heels. Sweater wrapped tight against the wind.

And they’re sitting, and she isn’t saying “but,” and Frankie isn’t saying “bad one, Grace,” And it’s cold. The sand is cold. The spray is cold. Her hands are so, so cold. And back in Casa de Nick, her side of a bed that he said—very gently, very romantically, whispered in her ear as they crossed through the doorway with his hands around her waist—is “all ours, now” must be just as cold, considering how long she’s been out here. Cold and empty. He heard her get up. She’s not capable of that kind of quiet anymore. He didn’t say anything, though. Did that make it worse?

Frankie’s nodding.

That definitely makes it worse. It’s an “I should’ve known” kind of nod. A nod like she expects nothing but this kind of disappointment after any kind of apology from Grace Hanson. Like she agrees: her one-more-things are a nightmare.

Frankie stops nodding. “Partner’s a mean word.”

That’s it? she wants to say. Wants to laugh. The uncomfortable, tension-breaking laugh. Wants to demand worse name-calling than 'mean.' Wants to offer to fetch a seafood tray. Shower me in shrimp and pelt me with the platter. Tell me to wake the fuck up or get the fuck out.

“Who came up with it anyway,” Frankie’s saying instead, because there are few things which can shut up Grace Hanson, but there’s nothing that can shut up Frankie Bergstein. “Partner. Was it the cowboys? I blame the cowboys. I never did trust their hats. Or their guns.”

Oof.

She rocks sideways even though it hurts more, her hip right in the sand, knees protesting the extra inch of sheer.

“But you know who ruined it?”

Frankie’s actually waiting, she realizes after several seconds of silence. Still not looking at her, but she’s demanding words. Maybe she’ll even get to the ones she’s thinking. It’s got to start somewhere.

“Who?” she asks. Is that her voice? It’s so… wobbly. She sounds scared. She sounds old.

“The millennials. They’re the ones. They’re the ones who decided even stupid cowboy words can mean fifteen different things, even really, really important ones, and you know what?”

“What, Frankie.” Now she just sounds tired. And dismissive to boot.

“That ruined it. Doesn’t mean anything anymore. How’re you supposed to know, hm? Howdy, partner. Partner in crime. Grace Hanson, my most Vybrant business partner. Deal me in, partner. You gonna hit that birdie, partner, or are you just gonna let it hit you in the face?”

“Are we talking about badminton?”

“No, Grace, we’re not.”

“Because it suddenly feels like you’re talking about the time you served me a black eye.”

“That’s only because you were checking your phone in the middle of the court during a very intensive rematch with Kay Dee and DJ Ken.”

“I shouldn’t have had to watch where my partner was serving.”

Frankie holds up a hand in her general direction. “Uh! Nuh-uh. There’s a ban on that now.”

“There’s a what now?”

“You know exactly what.”

“No I don’t, Frankie!” She’s graduated from old to dismissive to shrill in under five minutes and the sun’s still only half up. “I have literally no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah, well, who’s fault is that.”

Usually, she’d say, “yours,” but it’s not that kind of morning.

“I’ll tell you who.”

“Thank god,” she mutters.

“The millennials.”

She doesn’t feel particularly illuminated. “Not the cowboys?”

Frankie frowns. “Them too.” In silhouette, it’s all in one downturned corner of her lips.

She’s noticed that before. The laugh lines don’t change. Her eyes are always smiling, just a little, too many years of genuine appreciation of life to erase with even three years frowning at Grace. It’s something she’s wished, now and then, she could paint onto her own face as easily as she does her illusion of lingering youth. But what Frankie has is something she never will. No one has figured out how to bottle up genuine optimism for her to buy at Violet Gray or how to charge her up with some good old fashioned battery-operated faith in the good of the world. The closest thing she’ll ever find, she suspects, is sitting beside her in a blue dress that looks like a bathrobe.

“But don’t try to change the subject,” adds the bathrobe-clad joy that still won’t look at her.

“I don’t know what the subject is,” she admits.

“You’re married.”

“Oh.” That subject.

Frankie looks just like she felt, thinking about anything that wasn’t this, the two of them. On this beach. Together. And yeah, there was more to what she was gonna say even without the but. This was supposed to be a “you were right” kind of conversation. An “I kept underestimating you” conversation. A “you don’t need me, I’m a nag and a failure at sticky-note pictionary and I should probably just get out of your way” conversation. But she’s not saying any of that, either.

“I’m all out of congratulations. You know it takes me at least two days after a wedding to recharge my chi.”

“Me too.” She leans forward. Tucks her hands into the crease behind her knees. It should be getting warmer by now, shouldn’t it?

“Then why’d you do it, Grace?”

It’s not her angry Grace. It’s her resigned one.

“Well, I— He asked. He asked, and I—” She shakes her head. “I love him.” It’s the part of the Pete Repeat answer with the least number of syllables.

“I know that.” Frankie’s plucking at her dress-robe. “Doesn’t mean you marry the guy, I mean. Come on. That word’s exactly the same way!”

This should be one of the times she gets it, shouldn’t it? She feels like this loop Frankie’s in about words matters, so she should be making the superhuman effort it takes to follow it down whatever rabbit hole and along every tangent she’s taking it on, but she’s sleepless and a little bit convinced some part of her subconscious rattled loose last night and decided to haunt her with the ghost of face-lifts yet to come, so she can’t. “What word?” she asks, more harshly than she wants to. “The same as what?”

“Love!” Frankie’s hands go up in the air. “And cowboys!” She frowns. “No, you’re the one who got me hung up on cowboys. I just mean. You can say that word a hundred times to a hundred people and it doesn’t mean you have to move out.”

“Who said anything about moving out?” she splutters.

“Well he’s sure as hell not moving in.”

“He’s not moving into the beach house, Frankie.”

“Exactly. Because you’re moving out.”

She untucks her hands. They aren’t getting warmer there anyway. Her fingers are just going to sleep. “Is that what you want?”

“Of course not.” Frankie’s hands rise an inch off her lap and thump back down again. “But I’m not the one who went out and got myself a husband.”

“You got yourself a man and a yurt like a month ago.”

“Yeah, and I moved into it with him. Because that’s what people do when they get men. I wasn’t gonna make him sleep on the couch.”

“Now we both sound like we’re talking about dogs.”

Frankie doesn’t even smile.

“Besides, living on the patio does not count as moving out.”

“Yeah, well. Not all of us buy our men from the breeders. Big business of man’s best friend. Bunch of corporate fluff- murderers. Some of us foster strays. With a yurt. Not some... pedigree penthouse and a half-private island.”

She doesn’t know what to say to that. She manages a strangled laugh. Feels like she has to. It was her bad joke that started this, after all.

Frankie just keeps frowning. “This is all wrong.”

She huffs through her nose. “Tell me about it.”

“No, you stop doing that.”

Frankie almost, almost turns her head while she says it. It was almost eye-contact. She realizes she’s leaning in, her hand heavy on her knee, like if she were a few inches closer, Frankie would be forced to look at her already, or she’d at least be able to make out what’s happening in her head through her eyes. “Stop doing what?”

“I’m supposed to be angry. How come you were allowed to be mad about the yurt, but I can’t be mad about this?”

“You can be. I mean, you have every right to be.”

Frankie frowns at the ocean again. “Yeah, well. It does’t work if you aren’t giving me any guff. Where’s my pushback, Grace Hanson. You don’t want my congratulations and you let me call your new hubby a puppy killer. A puppy-killer puppy. A dopey, pedigree pomeranian. A lapdog of society, capitalism’s favorite canine, a—”

“—point taken, and metaphor officially taken too far.”

“Speak for yourself.”

They’re both very still for a while.

With each passing second, the waves seem closer, louder. Ready to drown out whatever she manages to say next. It’s her turn to stare out at the water. She’s hit some words she doesn’t think she can say to even the side of Frankie’s face. Talk to the waves; it's not like the face wants to listen.

“You’re right, you know. I think I came here for you to yell at me.”

“And when do I ever do that.”

“Every time the ad for selecting the new special flavor of Mountain Dew comes on in the car.”

“Well that’s just sacrilege! Nobody can improve on Mountain Dew, and especially not a radio-voter democracy. Those people can’t be trusted.”

This time, she just waits it out.

“But that’s just yelling.”

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees it. Frankie’s curls blowing back over her shoulder. Frankie’s chin turning her way. She’s afraid to make any sudden move, to look back at her, to even blink, though the salty wind is going to ruin that any second now. It's already making her eyes water.

“That’s not yelling at you.”

“You do that too,” she says, throat uncomfortably thick. “Literally any time I’m not in the same room where you’re looking for me, but that’s… That’s not really the point, is it. What I meant was, I came here for you to be mad at me, alright?”

“Well that’s silly.”

“No, no it’s not. Well, maybe it is, a little, but—” She’s looking. She didn’t make the conscious decision to turn back towards Frankie but she did it, and finally, they’re talking to each other instead of the sand and the sea. “—I thought… I didn’t think you’d let me say sorry, for one. I thought… maybe you’d yell at me, maybe you’d hate me for going behind your back again, and maybe that’d be… better. Than how we left things. That you’d agree. We did it. We made it out. Hell and back and we’re stronger and more ‘fuck it’ than ever. So strong we don’t need…”

Her hand settles into the sand by her side, scooping up aimless grains and bits of broken shells and dried up kelp and letting them sift through her fingers.

“Or maybe you’d help me figure out…”

It doesn’t make any sound, falling. Only when she’s digging in, getting little bits of their grassless backyard stuck beneath what's left of her pre-vacation manicure.

Frankie’s hand comes down on the back of hers, pressing down hard, stilling her restless movement. There’s some real weight in it, harsh and constrictive, but it’s also the warmest thing she’s felt all day.

“Figure out what, Grace. Spit it out. Remember, I’m all chi-ed in for the day, so I’m gonna be a godawful guiding star. An angry one at that.”

“Guiding star? What happened to good old-fashioned guru?”

“Leo may have suggested I was being appropriative, calling myself that when I’m not in touch with my own inner light.”

“Hmph. I have never met anyone more in touch with her own inner light. In fact, sometimes I think that’s all you’re in touch with.”

“And sometimes it gets really obvious when you’re stalling.” Frankie pats the back of her hand twice, the way someone might while saying “there, there” to a crying stranger at a funeral.

“Right,” she hears herself whisper. “Um. Right. You, yelling at me or. Or helping me figure out… what I want.”

“Seems like you figured that one out all by yourself.”

Frankie pulls her hand away. She can feel her eyes on the ring. It’s warmer than before Frankie touched it, but the air and the sand feel even colder, now.

“No, no I didn’t. I just said ‘yes.’” The wave of relief at saying that much swamps her, twice as loud and cold as the sea. It’s like being shocked awake, like she can hear her own voice again. “It felt like I’d spent all day saying ‘no.’ To you. To your whiteboard. To the kids. To the fucking sea lions.”

“The sea lions were not fucking, Grace. Do you really think I’d have stayed in the tent and missed another glorious act of nature like that?”

“For your son’s wedding? Yes.”

Frankie’s eyes go wide, and for a second, she wonders if she’s having some kind of epiphany, something that will get her out of the rest of this conversation and into an answer that will make her gut stop feeling heavier than after her first and only Del Taco burrito.

“They were fucking! The sea lions were fucking and you didn’t tell me! Again!”

That’s the last straw. She starts laughing, pained, raw laughter that makes her feel like she’s going to start choking on it. She finally got it, Frankie’s finally yelling at her, and it’s over the fucking sea lions. “No, Frankie, for christ’s sake. This isn’t about the seal lions.”

“Then why are you talking about the sea lions!”

Her lungs ache. She tastes salt deep in the back of her throat. She’s still wheezing out the last of this awful laughter.

“Hey! Cut that out. That’s no laughing matter. That’s a real serious crime you committed, you repeat sea lion offender. I could have you fined for just the false alarm.”

Oh, oh thank god, Frankie’s almost smiling at her.

“If I ever see them doing… that… again, I will call you immediately and ask that you kindly bring me the bleach for my eyeballs. Deal?”

“Shake on it?”

Rolling her eyes, she holds out her hand. They shake.

“Deal, then,” Frankie agrees. “But you aren’t allowed to use it till you’re back at the sink. Bleach is very disruptive to—”

“—this conversation, it seems.”

At her tone, Frankie shifts. For the first time, it really occurs to her that, as uncomfortable as she is right now, Frankie isn’t faring much better. For... not the first time... she’s equal parts grateful and concerned that both of them react to discomfort like this, that they can needle each other until it’s like an itch instead of a pain, and they can laugh. Yeah, sometimes that makes it hard to talk about the real stuff, but she never used to laugh like this. Ever. At any pre-Frankie point in her whole eighty years of life.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “That I keep talking around this. And getting upset when you let me.”

“Hey. Don’t apologize for that. You were finally almost getting us to mutually assured anger.”

“I don’t want mutually assured anger.”

“Well I do! This hurts, Grace!”

Her hand is yanked up from the sand and waved in front of her own face before she realizes what’s happening.

“This is huge!”

“I know.”

“Massive!”

“Well, it’s actually pretty small compared to…”

...this nightmare scenario I was daydreaming where everything was bigger and badder but otherwise kinda looked an awful lot like a what happened when I came back from the vacation I actually did go on where I guess I decided, stupidly, we were better off without each other.

It’s a good thing she ran out of breath before she even started trying to explain that one.

“I’m not talking about the ring and you know it, Grace.” Frankie lets go. Her hand just kind of hangs there for a minute. “We’re supposed to be partners. Partners may mean a hundred and fifty different things but none of them mean you go behind my back when you get married.”

“I know.” She shakes her head and buries her hands behind her knees again. “And that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. That that’s not what I wanted. What I want. That I said yes because all day I’d been telling you ‘no’ and you’d been doing it anyway and you were right! Every time! So I walked out and sat around thinking… Gee. Frankie’s doing so well. I left and Frankie’s doing better than ever. Hell, we both are. So… why not. Why not make this the new… us. A less… us us.”

“Yeah, why not.” Frankie starts to get her feet under her. She can hear the start of the storm-off in her voice alone. “If I’m not dying, why would you even want me around. This is some apology, Grace.”

“Frankie, no.” She reaches out, catches her hand before she get further than a crouch. “The point is, I was wrong. I’m not doing better. I’m the one who’s not doing better. I’m the one you don’t want around.” Her voice catches. “But I’m selfish. I don’t want to not be around.” Frankie’s still not looking at her, still looks a second from pulling away for good. So she digs for Frankie’s words instead, says them as softly and genuinely as she can. “I don’t want to be my own beaches.”

She knows it works when Frankie stiffens. Lets out a huff. “Sure.” She shakes off her hand, but sits back down. “You want to be Nick’s beaches.”

“I still don’t know what that means, but I definitely don’t want that either.”

That earns her an eye roll. “You need to stop saying things you don’t mean, cowboy.” Frankie stretches her legs out in front of her, wiggles her toes to flex a cramp out of her calf.

“I know. That’s how I wound up married. Twice.”

“Or how I spend decades thinking we’re both fabulous forties gals when you were born 1939. That’s the proof right there. This was always gonna go south. If I'd known, I'd've never agreed to live with you in the first place. Nothing good ever came out of the thirties.” She leans back on her elbows and frowns. “Unless you count Sister Rosetta Tharpe inventing rock ‘n’ roll, and people never do count Sister Rosetta Tharpe.”

“Frankie, I’m not following.”

“She was a queer black woman and a musical visionary and history owes her!”

“Alright, I’m sure you’re gonna single-handedly make sure it pays up, but I don’t know where you’re going with this and I’d really like to get there.” The ache in her hip is telling her to lean to the other side, but her knees are telling her if she does that, they’ll riot. “I’ve had a cold morning and a long night.”

“Of marital bliss.”

“Of mediocre sex,” she grouses instead, then claps a hand over her mouth.

Frankie stares at her. Oh, she does not want Frankie staring at her right now. An underwhelming honeymoon is something they could joke about if it were about, you know, Robert. Or Sol. If it were fifty years ago. Not the morning after. Not in the middle of this.

“You married Mr. Tall Dark and Free Enterprise for mediocre sex? ”

She can feel how red her cheeks are from here. “Well, I— People don’t get married just for— And, you know, we’ve talked about this, how, at our age… Look, Frankie, that’s not the point.”

“Oh yes it is.” She’s leaning forward, finger up and shaking an inch from Grace’s nose. “I know what’s happening here.”

“Buyer’s remorse?” she mutters.

“Self-flagellation!” Her hand falls again. The intensity in her stare doesn’t change, but her tone does. “You, married to some mediocre sex? I can’t believe I’m seeing it. I can’t believe, after, after, yeah! After all the times we’ve talked about this! Don’t ‘our age’ me. Don’t you do that. Not now, not then, not ever, and especially not after you went out and married…” Frankie’s head is shaking again, and her voice is getting softer and softer, and it’s doing something to her, something that’s dragging up the weight in the pit of her stomach and making it cling and dig in nails right behind her ribs. “But I guess that means... you really mean it.”

What do I really mean, she wants to say. Please, please tell me, because I don’t think I know. But she doesn’t. The claws are in her throat, too.

“You actually came here because you didn’t know how to fix this,” Frankie says like it’s the least believable thing in the world.

“That’s what I’ve been saying all along!” she gasps out. “What did you think I was doing?”

“Humoring me,” Frankie says, and her voice is still soft, but this time there’s hurt in it, and the claws all throughout her chest are suddenly pinching so hard they bring tears to the corners of her eyes. “I thought this was just another one of those ‘I’ve made a decision you aren’t going to like, Frankie, so I’m going to pretend to be torn up about it so you won’t make me feel guilty’ conversations you love. ”

“I do love those,” she admits. Her voice is so choked that Frankie’s less-than-flattering impression sounded more like herself than she does.

“I know,” Frankie says. “Just like I know you know being eighty doesn’t mean settling for mediocre sex.”

She sighs. “Can we not focus on that right now. Yes, you’re right, and yes, I’m the idiot who blurted that out, and yes, I know how weird this is gonna sound, but in this case, I really don’t care that much about the sex. I didn’t come here to talk about that. And I didn’t come here to humor you, either. I came here to apologize, to tell you I fucked up, then apologize again. Then, maybe, figure out what happens next.”

“Well, you call it off, obviously.”

“I got married, Frankie. Not engaged. We’re past the stage where I leave him at the altar.”

“So what? You didn’t want to get married, you call it off!”

“Who says I didn’t want to?”

“Oh, come on! Ms. Wound Up Married. Or do I have to say ‘Mrs.’ now? Puh-lease. You never wanted to get married again. You want to know how to fix this? You rewind—” Frankie makes the arm gesture, the one like she’s yanking on a tug-of-war rope and like no kind of rewinding she’s ever heard of. “—say ‘Just kidding, Madam Justice of the Peace! My hand slipped!’ Happens all the when you’re old. Blame a hand tremor.”

“I am not telling Nick I meant to put that ring on his thumb and slipped because I had a hand tremor.”

“Ooh, that’s good. Use that.”

“No, Frankie.”

“C’mon, why not?”

“Because I love him, Frankie! Have you not been listening to me?”

“Course I have,” she says in a huff. “You’re not listening to me. Love, marriage— Not the same deal. The first one’s about a lot of things. Remember the cowboys? No? Whatever. Anyway, the point is the other one’s about tying your whole lives together, and you don’t want to do that with Nick or you wouldn’t be here right now.”

“Says who?” Oof, she sounds pouty. Defensive. She hates when she sounds like this.

“Says you! When you said you’re not moving out! And he’s not moving in!”

“Maybe I’m just… Maybe we’ll just take a lot of vacations, did you ever think about that?”

“You won’t.”

“Why not?” She doesn’t like this either, this new determination in Frankie’s voice. This exact same rightness she gets when…

When she’s right. And I’m wrong.

“Because! Because you said you need me! We’re partners.” Frankie’s hand points back and forth between them. She’s wearing two bracelets on the same wrist that clink together each time she does it and that’s almost too much for her, that’s almost all she can hear. “I am listening to you. I always listen to you. Even when you’re saying stupid things about synergy that make my bullshit detector go so far off the charts it breaks I listen to you—and I just listened to you say you married Nick because you thought we’d had our run and were ready to move on with our own lives and you know what? No way. You coming here and asking me to tell you what you want? There’s your proof, Grace. We’re not moving anywhere, let alone on.” She says it like it’s mythical, fingers waggling, hands waving in the air. “Fuck being married. Love? Whatever. You love me and you wouldn’t marry me in a million years.”

For the first time in several seconds, Frankie’s mouth closes. Her eyebrows pull together. “You wouldn’t, right?”

A breath she’s been sucking in through each line of Frankie’s bulldozer rebuttal slams back out of her throat like she’s been punched. Before she can even get her lungs working again, Frankie is full steam ahead.

“Right. Because the point is, if you wanted your life tied up with his, you’d still be there. Wherever that is.” The frown deepens. “Do I know where that is? Where do you go for sleepovers, anyway. Oh god, is it his office? Tell me it’s his office. Is his whole bedroom just full of those little waiting room couches? Is that why you can’t have good sex…”

The knowing tone, the leading question, that “ah-ha!” look in Frankie’s eyes, the one she gets when she’s finally solved an impossible mystery in the least likely way, all comes together to finally get her lungs going again. It’s a spluttered laugh, three hard bursts of air, but it feels… okay.

“No? Hm. Well, that’s not the end of that conversation, but unless you’re really planning to fly back off to the Mongolias with him this morning—and lemme tell you, my bullshit detector is still broken from last time but it would be beeping up a storm over that if it could—I think my point has been made.”

“It’s the Maldives, Frankie.”

“Beep, beep, beep, beep—”

“Alright!” She holds up a hand. “Alright. Point taken.”

But her hand is up in front of her eyes again, and there it is. She curls her fingers into her palm. She can’t see it over her knuckles, then, but she can still feel it. “Christ, he doesn’t deserve this. I’ve been blowing hot and cold since we met. I never used to be this indecisive.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what happens when you don’t just say yes to things and actually have to figure out what you want.”

What she wants. Eighty years old and just getting started. What do I want.

“I… I still don’t know.”

“Yeah, well—” Frankie’s up again with a huff, sand raining down from the creases of the robe-dress and blowing in her face. “—I do. And it starts right there.” She points towards the house, then holds out her hand. “Home. With breakfast.”

She takes the help up. Her hip screams, there’s sand stuck to her mouth, but what else is new. “Breakfast… sounds great,” she admits.

“Good, because you’re making it.”

“Am I?”

“Yes,” Frankie cajoles, squeezing her hand. She tugs her closer, sneaks an arm around her waist beneath the sweater and starts to steer them up towards the path. It’s warm, it’s right. It’s simple. It’s something she wants. “Because I am going to be very busy at the whiteboard, brainstorming up better excuses than a hand tremor for why you’re getting that thing off your finger.”

She groans. “Oh no, not the whiteboard.” She’s smiling, though.

A few steps later, she leans over, presses a kiss to Frankie’s cheek. “Thank you.”

Frankie's stride falters. Against her hip, she feels a faint tremble run through Frankie's fingers.

She shakes her head and keeps them moving. "Thank me with waffles."

#grace and frankie spoilers #grace and frankie #grace x frankie #i dont go here except i guess now i do #FOR THE RECORD I LOVED THAT WHOLE SEASON AND ACTUALLY CANT WAIT TO SEE WHAT COMES NEXT I JUST ALSO COULDNT GET THEIR VOICES OUT OF MY HEAD #this is technically a chapter one #but it also functions as a s5 fix-it one-shot #just in case this sudden inspiration to finally write again dies immediately after i hit post #as it so often does #fanfic #im putting the whole thing under the cut because i think now that actually works and doesnt force people to scroll through it on mobile #but please yell at me if im wrong #this also emerged from my brain in that fully-formed post season way that rarely works the way its supposed to #but which feels so FUN and RIGHT while you're doing it #didn't trust myself to still want to hit Go if i read over it much so as always forgive the non-existent self-editor #i keep her locked up in a dark corner somewhere and should really let her out sometimes but also ... why

10 notes · View notes

sugod2-22 · 3 years

Photo

3:29 PM Today’s the start of my new shift but last night, I went to sleep around 5 AM coz I just got used to it somehow, so on my 1 hour break, I took a nap. Ain’t even a proper nap coz I kept on checking the time. I’m prolly gonna go directly back to sleep after my shift. It’s the last day we’re gonna be handling our current queues. Easiest job I ever had really, it’s bound not to last long. I just hope the new one won’t be too complicated. Anyway, I compulsively bought 2 mangas again today. For real, as much as it does make me happy, it’s also kinda draining my bank account heh. I should learn to balance it. I just get a bit scared every time I found a title that I like that’s been out of stock for a while get posted at a cheaper price. I felt like I might lose an opportunity to have it in my small collection and read it. But yeah, what’s done is done. Can’t hide the fact that I’m quite excited to read them all! 4:44 PM First 3 pictures were throwback of me on the year 2015, when I turned myself blonde. Had a day trip in Camotes Islands with former workmates. Late 2014 was when I learned the news that my bf at the time died due to hit-and-run. Killed at 28 years old and left to die on the dark streets of Oceanside by a drunk driving marine corpsman. I didn’t really meet Philip in person coz he’s from the US of A but we were “together” for quite some time and made plans on meeting up, getting married, ya know those kinds of shit. I do remember him fondly. I found out about the tragic news through his mom. When he suddenly stopped talking to me without us having any previous fight, I just assumed he found someone else. Of course I wanted explanation but I thought you can’t really force people to give it to you, even if it’s the least you deserve. I refused to believe something horrible might’ve happened to him, although, I had felt it I guess weeks before and even told him about it. That something bad might happen to him. He assured me he’ll be fine though, he always tried to. Anyway, more than a month passed, I was heartbroken but somewhat accepting things between us, but then I received an email from his mom. She said she found a paper with written email addresses and passwords when she was cleaning up his place. She tried to log in and there she found my contact. Thus, we talked about what happened and what’s gonna happen to the guy who did it. That night on September 21, 2014, Philip texted me he was gonna ride his bike around, it was prolly quite late in his time while still mid-noon in mine. He said he loves and misses me so much, that was his last message. You know, it’s funny, in a cruel way, that even there was a CCTV footage of the suspect getting out of his Green Kia Soul to check what he had hit that night, even the police said the body was apparently moved, and there was a witness who heard everything, the guy was out on bail and pleaded not guilty. I think the court hearing ran for over three years, I can only imagine the pain his family went through attending it and reliving the same pain all over again. So I kinda understood why they just want it to be over, forgave him and try to move on from it as much as they can. Last update his mom gave was that the judge didn’t even rule to their favor, so apparently, the guy didn’t experience jail time and now a free man, prolly still a navy medic ironically enough. Philip was cremated and his ashes were scattered at sea with beautiful flowers, a lot of friends and family attended the ceremony. I’ll always appreciate how his mom took the time to share these pictures with me. He was a good surfer, funny, a gentle soul, and over all a great guy. We met in Tumblr of all places lol! Bonded over the band Tool, South Park shit, gif of a fat cat trying to push its way out a tiny pet door, and a bunch of odd conversations. I loved that guy a lot. May he rest in eternal peace.

#journal

0 notes

weareallmixedup · 6 years

Note

I was curious,is the reason your asks are paced far apart bc your busy or to make it so the blog doesn't get clogged up? I always assumed it was just bc ur probably busy but I saw someone else say theirs is paced for the followers and got curious anyways hope u have a good day/night!!!thanks for answering our questions even when they sound air headed

Tbh it’s kinda just...whatever gets answered gets answered. We’ve been kinda bamma at running the blog lately, I realize, but we’ve all got Hella Stuff™ going on so we’re doing the best we can

All the mods share the WAAMU inbox though, so if we see an ask we have the ability and spoons to answer, or it’s just something that needs to be published, we’ll do that but I’mma be real, I can’t speak for anyone but me, but I be letting asks just sit because they’re either: not in my wheelhouse, I/we’ve answered the question hella times already, I’m suspect it’s a White person coming in here trying to be ignorant for a giggle, or it requires an answer I just don’t have the ability to expend emotional labour on

BUT! If you sent in a question or a vent or a comment or something and you don’t get an answer inside a few days and it’s pressing for you, either resend it and say so, or just send an ask that you need whatever your specific thing was addressed (mind, you’re gonna have to be rueal specific with what your original ask was so it’s yours for sure)

Anyway, that’s prolly why most of the posts have been me specifically answering asks tbh. I don’t queue anything, I just peep through what’s up when the notifications show up while I’m on desktop and happen to be on the tumblr tab and I’ll check the inbox on my phone when I’ve got downtime sometimes--Coyote

2 notes · View notes

chronicbatfictioner · 7 years

Text

Fast Car - Chapter 17

"You've got the meds?"

"Yeah, one patch is on. Scheduling is on." Tim replied. "Synced with your cellphone so you can nag me if I forget to replace it."

It had sounded scary at first, for both Tim and Jason. Jason suspected that it would've been scarier, still, for Tim. He was the one who'd need to wear it at all times, after all. The patch looked like a simple, clear-colored band-aid, but it was actually filled with a plethora of electronics underneath, "the nutshell version is having electroshock therapy device attached to you at all times, but it'll release hormones instead of electricity," Tim had explained. It would be placed just under his hairline, on the nape of his neck. Tim assured him many, many times that it does not deliver actual electric shocks and/or will be shorting when the wearer is showering/swimming. "That's the first thing I made sure of, duh. The second was the invisibility." Because Tim understood the stigma of a mental health diagnosis quite well, and a light-colored patch on a dark skin would look like a beacon advertising the wearer's affliction.

The last of the cuts on his arms had faded to nearly invisible scars on Tim's pale skin, crisscrossing the old ones. Random passers-by wouldn't have noticed them. Jason could feel them, still, when he run his hand over them. And Tim's face--

There would always be a faint hint of peach on his cheeks these days, and not so much of the purple raccoon eyes that had shocked Jason four months ago. Jason had trimmed Tim's hair, there are still enough for Jason to grab and play on, but not too long to cover his eyes.

Within a mere month after Jason moved back with him, the sunken-ness of Tim's cheeks had filled up some, earning him comments of "you look younger!' from his colleagues. Jason could always tell when some of Tim's colleagues teased him about his age and looks - Tim would commandeer the electric shaver the next day and let it run across his smooth chin and jawline, hoping that he would grow beard or some sort of facial hair. So far, still no luck. But Jason still counted a win when a pout and sulk and an attempt to shave would be as far as Tim would do. And in the lab, Conner was good enough to steer Tim clear off Tim's intention of researching ways to grow facial hair.

There are no blades in the loft, Jason made sure of it. All of their kitchen appliances are locked, with only Jason allowed access to them. A little extreme, sure, but they have reached an agreement that it was better for both of them if all kinds of temptations were out of sight and access from Tim.

But then again, Tim's needs for... the 'distractions' have abated a lot, a whole lot with Jason being there. He was still busy with the lab below, but with Bruce granting Jason special access key to the lab, Tim really couldn't run away - or lock himself in, which he'd done a few times before Bruce gave Jason a key - when Jason went into the lab and demand him to go home and get some sleep. Now, Timmers, or I'll haul you up. The excited and expectant gawks from Tim's lab-mates would usually be enough for Tim to stop whatever it is he was working on and followed Jason home with a massive pout and several choice-words of curses and grumbles.

Hopefully he would still miss the low-fives or fist bumps Jason got from Bart or Conner whenever he'd make Tim leave the lab. Or the fact that Conner would promptly close the lab some five minutes after Tim left.

Conner had brought his girlfriend, Cassandra Sandsmark, and Bart brought his girlfriend, Kiran Singh; on just about every weekends to have triple dates. Or in lazy and/or blizzard times, they would stay in and stream some movies while Conner and Jason practiced their culinary skills. So far, Bart noted, he hasn't needed to call in for emergency pizza to the rescue. Or booked a trip to the ER for food poisoning.

Jason had fully moved out from the Wayne's barn, and temporarily moved in to Tim's loft as their house was being renovated to accommodate Tim's work space and his garage. Jason had also managed to argue Tim out of making him the sole owner of the house, after a whole lot of arguments and getting Barbara's help to make him a slideshow presentation.

Seriously. There was a presentation describing the benefits of co-owning the house vs having just his name there. Credit scores and all. Jason never even know what his credit score was. Or that he even had a credit score. He'd always thought those things were just for people who has a lot of money or born with money and/or inheritance.

There will be their individual work spaces in the opposing wings of the house, and there would be no locks on the doors of the work spaces. They have both agreed to have alarms to limit their home-working hours and remind the other to take care of themselves. And this, Jason knew, this would be something Tim would adhere to. His organized mind just simply not able to not follow a schedule. That point was prominent in Jason's mind when he wrote his part of the vow.

The Vow that he and Tim would recite in a few weeks, Jason mused as he felt the cold metal around his ring finger, and caught the glint of the ruby on the ring around Tim's finger as Tim's arm hooked around Jason's. His own arms were full of tupperware boxes - Alfred was not joking when he said he'd pack leftovers after their Sunday Dinner at the Wayne Manor. They would be eating well for the next week. Maybe. Or at least the next three to four days, if neither of them would end up with overtimes and eating less than two meals per day at home.

Or two days, if Bart managed to sneak his way in to their home.

"Home," Tim suddenly said.

"Hm?"

"I was just thinking... for a pair of orphans, we've managed to have not one, but two homes for ourselves." Tim said. "Not too shabby."

"Not too shabby at all." Jason agreed, pressing his lips on Tim's temple. "Thank you."

"Jason," Tim smiled ruefully. "Thank you, for not leaving me behind. In BrisTown."

"I couldn't. You've got the fast car." Jason grinned impishly.

"Well now you've got the literal fast car." Tim grinned at him. "How does it feel?" he asked as he helped Jason putting the boxes into Jason's car, a 2013 Mustang that used to belong to Dick and Jason had acquired in exchange of making five of Dick's other cars - including, of all things, a 1974 VW Beetle ("this is the last that was built in Germany, Jason! Before they moved the factory to Mexico!") - working and running again. Damn thing was older than Bruce and by all means should have been buried with its dignity intact, long ago. But Dick refused to let her die, and Jason had wondered if he'd have to make ritual sacrifices for parts, until Tim gave him the number of his contact in Germany who provided a number of cobbled-together parts.

"It feels..." he caressed the car's roof gently. "Well, you really can't go wrong with Mustang." he grinned. "But you really can't go wrong driving it with the one you love."

Tim snorted mirthfully, taking a seat on the passenger's side. "God, you cheesy." he said, scrunching his nose.

"You've known me for a long time now, and you just found it out now?" Jason quipped as he entered the driver's side.

"No, just didn't think I'd like it so much." Tim replied, a hesitant smile on his face as his lower lip started to tremble.

Jason reached over and tugged Tim's chin gently. "Hey, come on now. What is it?"

"I'm screwed, aren't I?" Tim said, a line of tears starting down his cheek.

"Welp, technically, you're legal and consenting. So I don't see the needs for the waterworks." Jason grinned at him, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Tim laughed and swatted his hand. "You jerk. I was trying to be sappy and all." he made a face. "But we'll need some stuff. I think we're out of lube."

"Whaaat? Again??"

"Hey, I'm not the one who use that thing like you're deep-frying!"

They drove away from the Wayne Manor in relative silence, Jason's non-driving hand on the nape of Tim's neck.

"I love you." Tim suddenly said.

Jason didn't take his eyes off the road, but squeezed Tim's neck lightly and replied. "I love you, too."

Maybe, Jason silently prayed, maybe they can fix themselves well. Together. They have a good number of people who could support them, anyway. Bruce, Dick, Barbara, and Alfred to help Jason through his doubting days; Conner, Bart, Cassandra, and Kiran, to support Tim if/when Jason was being a jerk. Surprisingly, when Damian was informed of Tim's clinical condition, he was incredibly interested to help keep an eye on Tim, "to see if the device works or not, Todd!"

Jason suspected it's just another thing Damian is keeping records of, to use against Tim when he couldn't win in a normal argument. Dick assured him that Damian's scathing ways were simply his way to show he cares. The jury is still out in that, though.

"You know what else we've got?" he said as something struck him.

"What?"

"Family." Jason smiled and scratched Tim's head a little. "Lookit that, orphan boy, we've got a family."

"We do, don't we?" Tim smiled brightly. "Whaddya know..."

They were silent for a few heartbeats until Tim spoke again, "so we gonna stick our vows on my mom's grave, too?"

Jason grinned mischievously. "You betcha, Timmers. Let her know that we've made it."

Note: End of this segment! I hope y'all like, and as always, comments, likes & reblogs are very, very appreciated! This here be the first multi-chaptered fanfic I've ever posted. And it feels kind of poignant for me that the last chapter is posted on NYE. Bye, 2017! Hello, 2018! Here's to hoping that our respective lives will be better in 2018 and brighter. And our muses remain as active if not more active as ever and allow us to tell their stories - preferably not at the same time. Maybe I should devise a queue number for them muses, like at banks... Anyway! Again, thank you everybody who'd left comments, likes, and/or reblogs, the lifeblood of all artworkers. Have a happy New Year, all!

#Jason Todd #Tim Drake #JayTim #fastcarAU #Conner Kent #Bart Allen #no-capeAU #Dick Grayson #Bruce Wayne #Damian Wayne #Batfam #yaaay it's done!

8 notes · View notes

darby-drabbles · 7 years

Text

Okay, so!! I made a couple posts last night, just casually talking about how I don’t really talk about some serious oc topics and how I usually feel weird posting them or going too in depth, like it’s not the right time to bring up the serious and sad topics or something like that. But after making those posts I actually started to ramble about something?? I went longer than I thought, though, it was hard to finish up this post and it was pretty late when I did. And, since I’m gonna be busy later today I decided I’d just, queue this for the morning an hope for the best.

I’ll put it under a read more, but this post will be talking about Izzy’s pregnancy/miscarriage so tw for that!

I’ve briefly mentioned before that Izzy got pregnant by Nate twice,, once during their first relationship and again years later after they hookup after the breakup with Chrissy. I might change this, but originally it was before they got back into an actual relationship again, it was just from a hookup? But also originally, they weren’t really going to be “an endgame couple”.. Now that I decided that they definitely stick together I may have this happen when they’re (just barely) in a relationship again. Still working things out, I guess!

She miscarried once and had an abortion once, but I switched which happened first. Originally she lost the first pregnancy before she even knew she was pregnant and aborted the second time, since their relationship was more like a rebound hookup at the time and she wouldn’t have wanted to have a baby that way. But at some point, since I started building up their Second Relationship more, I actually switched that. She aborts the first time, because they were younger and she just wasn’t ready for it. (I mean she’s Still Not Ready but like. they were much younger and immature for sure) and the after Chrissy one was a miscarriage. She still didn’t really know she was pregnant for A While, but she did find out before she lost the pregnancy. I do not knoow if Nate knew..

The reason I mentioned Mark’s girlfriend, Anna, in this post was because of the pregnancy, and that’s kinda why I started making this post I guess? I don’t think she knew toooo much about her suicide attempt, she knew it happened just because she’s so close to Mark and Mark is obviously very invested in the lives of Izzy and his lil brother, but it was still pretty private between Izzy and Nate for the most part, you know? But with the pregnancy,, Izzy didn’t really feel comfortable going to NAte? She was kinda worried about how he’d react (but she shouldn’t have been,,, that makes me sad ahhh) just because she wasn’t doing too good she got worried about it.. And she doesn’t have a ton of people to turn to for advice about this kind of stuff, but I think she’s decently close enough to Mark’s girlfriend to ask for help. Again Anna wouldn’t have said specifics about it at all to anyone,, it’s Izzy’s personal business, but she’s close to Minnie and she’d just spent a lot of time in the hospital with a vry freaked out Izzy and I’m sure she’d mention that they were there, at least.

But anyway.. That seemed like a tangent... Izzy was depressed and felt pretty numb, she wasn’t eating much and stayed in bed a lot. Band practice was on hold for a bit and she took some time off her job w/ all the sick days she could manage. (When she did go in,, she wasn’t always There and zoned out a lot, but she had to do something) It wasn’t all BAD and she was definitely, slowly getting better. But a lot of days seemed to blur together, even when she spent them with Nate, even when things seemed alright. She liked the idea of sleeping with Nate more than actually doing it at the time, but she liked it as a distraction, and if that made her seem happy he’d, try to make her happy. She was on the pill but lost track of that very easily and whoops a daisy baby... But she didn’t realize she was pregnant, either? A lot of symptoms she passed off for other reasons,, she got sick bc she was drinking on an empty stomach, she felt tired and sore bc she just Always Was now. No period???? Her cycle was always messed up it didn’t matterrr.

When she finally suspected it, I think Drew and Mark were spending time with her and Nathan,, at his suggestion to maybe help get her mind off things. Izzy mentioned how she’d felt sick lately or something so of course, like he practically always does when Izzy says she was sick no matter the reason bc he’s a jackass,,,, Drew jokingly asks if she was pregnant, which she immediately laughed off and rejected like always because no way shut up.. But then she thought about it for a while. And.. maybe?!??? But that wasn’t something she wanted to talk about with her bandboys so she just kinda tries to stop thinkin about it. Of course she doesn’t stop though, the thought was planted in her head and I think the next day she sees if Mark can come over agaaain and bring his gf. And at some point when the bros are talking Izzy gets Anna alone and asks if she can get her a pregnancy test and keep it hush hush on the dl. She does and Izzy finds out she’s pregnant For Sure and gets very numb again. So Anna’s basically the first to know?? They weren’t incredibly close but they get along and it was good to have her there for support, even if she didn’t really know what to do to comfort her. Izzy just went to bed and cried so Anna and Mark had a kinda weird quiet dinner w Nathan and left... And when Nate came in to check on Iz she was already sleeping so he just snuggled up to her for the night.

It wasn’t long between when she found out she was pregnant to when she miscarried, just a couple days. She was pretty much a nervous wreck the whole time, tryin to figure out what she would do about it. She probably didn’t even tell Nathan, so she was thinking about how to do That, too, which made her even more nervous. Nate wasn’t there at the time and she was feeling awful with rly bad cramps and she was basically just curled up on the bathroom floor for a long time. It affected her very badly. She called Anna again since She Knew already and Nate was busy with whatever. It was,, unexpected to get a call to come over alone since, again, they weren’t That Close, but of course she did. And when Anna sees how bad Izzy was she called for paramedics,, which Iz hated she hates/is scared of hospitals and really did not want to go but clearly something was vry wrong so she didn’t really have a choice. So, again,,, Anna is the first to know she lost the pregnancy. [[It’s kinda weird to talk about Anna so much, I know she’s a minor character I’ve rarely mentioned and you probably don’t know her besides being a gf to the drummer,,, but, when this happens it’s pretty much her biggest role and connection to Izzy?? And since I hadn’t Really talked about it before,, you wouldn’t really know that?? Sorry about that!]]

Anna calls both Mark and Nathan to let them know where they’re at, but doesn’t really say what happened, she leaves that up to Izzy. I think she’d tell them both,, though she definitely wouldn’t have told Mark immediately at the hospital, that would take a while. Now that it’s,, over, I guess, she actually probably has an easier time telling Nathan, it’s just, more upsetting. Nate would’ve been supportive no matter what she decided to do about the pregnancy, and he doesn’t blame her for not telling him right away while she tried to sort out her feelings about it, but, he was upset he couldn’t fully be there for her. Izzy wanted to tell him about it, she just had to work up the courage first and it was a little too late, unfortunately. Izzy would definitely feel bad about it at first, but they actually talk about it for a while afterwards, I don’t think they’d ever really, ignore their feelings about what happened from each other, so that can be therapeutic.

I don’t want this to end so horribly sad, but I don’t know how to cheer it up while staying on topic and not completely ruining the mood and all. But I will say, this is essentially, the lowest point before Izzy’s on the road to recovery and things look up from here. She gets her depression more managed on medication again, her relationship with Nathan is definitely more official, ((and also,,, the version of the story with the mix n match ship?? They start dating Izzy after this, too! Two new bfs...... maybe even four. Lucky Girl.)) She starts writing songs and singing and playing bass again, so the band comes back from their little break. And they get good and play shows and do little tours again! They both want kids with each other eventually, it would just be much farther in the future, and they’d probably adopt, but,,, maybe someday. It’s not all perfect and it’s not like she doesn’t still get sad about this,, and this story is pretty much open ended, but, she’s much better I know!! A lot of the time I draw Izzy now is after this happens, since I love thinkin about Izzy and Nate being back together, and I love drawing her happy. so. That’s how you know that it’ll work out. :,))

Thank you for reading my big long sad post!

#I seriously wanted to post this last night and I wanted to make happier posts too but this took. A Lot to type out!#just a big long ramble!#I know it's sad I'm sorry!#I love all these babesss and I want them to be happy but for now there's this #also i fully understand if you Don't read it I know it's a lot. but if you do. likes and comments would be nice #i don't normally ask and I don't want you to feel obligated to comment but seriously i was writing this post for hours...... :0 #original characters #band #oc facts #oc headcanons #writing #its long enough that i'm using that tag...

4 notes · View notes

streetcornertwoam · 7 years

Text

oh dear...

so I had mentioned on here the other day that getting in touch with an old high school friend can sometimes be nice

...and it still is, but it’s getting vaguely more...real now

real now as in...exchanging phone numbers and talking about hanging out

which is fine...except I just...don’t do that anymore...

I’ve become so closed off from people that I just...don’t go out or do anything, which is...fine

mostly

I’m more fine with it than I used to be, I think

but then I’ll get to talking with someone, and talks of getting together and hanging out happen and like...I’m always torn

‘cause yea it would be nice to see them, to talk, catch up...etc

but...then I just become overwhelmed with anxiety...and I don’t really know why

I never was like this...

sure there were times I would perhaps ignore or y’know...drop out of hanging out whatever, but I would always still really want to

and then it became just..wasn’t ever invited, which...fair, but it hurt ‘cause y’know...I don’t know...I’m a person and even though we’re complicated af and I would have said no to going anyway...lol

and then it just kinda...I don’t know, became easier to not see anyone for long stretches of time...so I got used to being at home and doing whatever

so now it’s like someone wants to do something and for a minute it sounds nice, but mostly it’s just terrifying

I did this sorta a few summers ago with another friend from high school

also started off messaging on FB, then switched to texting...like all the fucking time...hung out a few times...aaaaaaand then we ended up like...hardcore make out session in a cemetery...yikes lol

reason for the cemetery...lol...it’s...like right behind my house...there’s a church behind my house and then it’s just like...right there cemetery

and when I was a teen me and my friends used to go walking through it and it shit all the time ‘cause it was just...near and y’know whatever

so basically it was a more or less private place near by and...so that happened

...i don’t remember if we managed to hang out again after, i know we texted a few more times and talked about hanging out...but then I think I just felt...really weird? so I kinda blew him off...’cause I’m super mature and awesome obvs

and...I haven’t talked to him really at all since lol

and y’know....we were close in high school...we never ended up dating, ‘cause his track record with girls was horrible, and I remember telling him that one time when he asked if I’d ever date him. And I straight up said no, ‘cause you end up dating a girl for a few days and then it’s over and then you aren’t even friends anymore...so no

......buuuuut that obviously never stopped from y’know...the occasional kiss action lmao

i was also the first person he ever made out with, so there’s that lol

it’s just...I don’t know, it’s weird lol

I feel like...we could have maybe had...something

but there (for me) was just...nothing when we were kissing

and I don’t know that there ever really was much, but I feel like there used to be...more I don’t know

........

not that I really think anything like that would happen with this guy......I mean...I suppose it could

I’m fairly certain he always had a bit of a crush on me

which is sweet, he was always really nice....but I just never felt the same back

I don’t know

I’m probably gonna end up having to tell him some version of this. At least the bits about I’m terrible when it comes to people anymore, and regardless of how much I may want to see and hang out I’ll probably always bail last second ‘cause I’m just...incapable of being around people apparently

I just don’t want him feeling badly ‘cause I’m such a shit person

he said he really misses me and always really loved and admired me in high school ‘cause my personality and I could always make him laugh/smile

and I’m just like...fuck that’s so goddamn nice, but honestly dude I’m such a fucking mess anymore

you want to know what I’ve been doing since high school? fuck all

dated a guy I’d known my entire life basically for 3 1/2 yrs, thought it was gonna be a forever sorta thing, ha! Jokes on me...turns out he was a fucking asshole and I should have ended after oh...2...2 1/2 yrs? but did I? NOPE

so that was fun...and that fucked me over pretty good when he did finally end it....and then strung it along by every few weeks texting me and shit until I found out what a real piece of work he was, and that was the final straw

and then I started getting back out into the world...met some new people, reconnected with my best friend, and for a couple yrs it was pretty great....

then parents place closed down, new friends i made started heading off to college, I started babysitting my nephew, lost touch with friend....

I mean this all kinda happened at the same time...I had been babysitting nephew when I was still hanging out with people and parents place was still open but still that’s basically how that went...

saw them a few more times, but then I just...by that point reached where I am now....

maybe if I got back out there after a while it’d be different, I don’t know

for all that I’m still the same person, I’m vastly different than I ever used to be

and I think that’s simply from all the time that I’ve spent on my own...so I’ve been in my head a lot and been able to think about things...sometimes over think....obsess about it...but y’know...it did at least lead me to one positive thing...figuring out that I’m not nearly as straight as I always thought I was...oh hey turns out Kels that you’re bisexual...who would have thought

well me for one, if I had ever just...thought about some of the shit I finally thought about, instead of just....fucking denying it and burying it

....I don’t know how different things would be had I realized it sooner, and even though I’ve never told anyone in my real life...I do feel better

it’s more freeing...it’s nice

and there are times...that I’m just...sitting with my parents or just my mom...and I just wanna be like ‘so...I’m bisexual’

tbh I don’t think it’d be a big issue...sometimes I think ‘they must know...’ or ‘they must suspect...’ just ‘cause...of the things I say sometimes now but I don’t know...

...I at least know my mom would be ok with it, since her older brother...my uncle...was gay

and even though he never told anyone, she said she knew...and that’s why he moved away from here so he could be himself

and I so get that...but I just really hate that he never felt he could share that part of himself before he passed

y’know...what if I had realized about myself sooner...I could have told him and we could have had that connection

...I say he was gay, but I honestly don’t even know if that’s right...I remember growing up he had girlfriends, or at least...said he had girlfriends...but I know when he died him and an old friend of his were together...so...I don’t know

I was only 18...27 now...but...I had enough information about myself to have figured out...or at the very least questioned things about myself at that point

guess it’s sorta pointless to think about things like that...can’t change the past, no sense dwelling over it...just something I got to thinking about

....this post has gone a bit off the rails lol

sometimes I forget how good i feel after I do long posts like these

I know that no one reads ‘em, or at least I suspect no one does

but I do it for myself...get thoughts down and out

it helps...a bit

I’ve been starting to think maybe I should see a therapist or something...

mom always said she was gonna send me to one when I was a teen ‘cause of my....habits

it’s one of the many things we’ve never talked about, and she never...really knew 100%, but I do know that she at least once saw scars on my arms

....and got a call from the school I think once my freshmen year after my classmates died

‘cause someone had told a counselor that I was...a bit not right and I remember getting called down once in class...and she (or was it a guy...I don’t totally remember ha) asked me if I was doing ok etc etc etc....I of course lied, and they told me that a friend had said otherwise (never did find out who that was) and they gave me a suicide hotline card and said I could come talk whenever and...then I went back to class

....sometimes I think that’s why Mr. Emery took such a shine to me...’cause it was in his class...and he got the call that I needed to go down...and then I got back and he asked if everything was alright and I just said ‘yea fine’

and y’know...he did looked...concerned but he didn’t push...I don’t know

I never got called down again...and then it just kinda...fell by the wayside I guess I don’t know

it’s weird thinking back like that...like...I can remember his face when he answered the phone and...the look...when he heard what was said...he just looked...taken aback

...fuck

I need to stop thinking about it ‘cause it’s just...yea

haven’t thought about it in ages and it’s just...a lot

for anyone that has read all this...mass of garbage and is..maybe worried about me...regarding all...that

it’s fine...I’m fine...haven’t done anything like that for...10 or so years maybe?

...thoughts is a bit different, real serious thought...still been a few years probably

those creepy intrusive thoughts that happen sometimes? yea...but it’s usually just more simply a ‘what if I died’ or ‘what if I were dead’ sorta thing...

...so admittedly yes, probably unhealthy...should really think more about a therapist or something but...oh well

ok...gonna wrap this up now I think

gonna have a queue going later today/tomorrow fyi...don’t worry haha

#personal bs #lots and lots and LOTS of rambling #as usual just done to get thoughts out #feel a bit better now

1 note · View note