#I seriously wanted to post this last night and I wanted to make happier posts too but this took. A Lot to type out!

[xreader-writing]

STILL HERE | "They're eating sushi!'

✦ Sumarry: Y/n comes to her ex-boyfriend Lando Norris' defense when he's being canceled, and Lando couldn't be happier about it.

✦ Pairing: Ex!Lando Norris X Actress!Reader. | Timothee Chalamet? 👀 | ✦ WC: 1.491

A/n: English is not my first language, forgive my spelling mistakes dear.

LAST | S.MASTERLIST | NEXT

Y/n sighed and put her phone in her pocket.

"What happened?" Her castmate Timothee asked, handing her a cup of coffee.

"As if you didn't know." She said laughing, and he smiled back, scratching the back of his neck.

"Well, but it could be another reason!" He said laughing, making her laugh even more.

Timothee looked at her and noticed her worried look.

"I read your text, it must have helped him a lot."

"Yes, but Lando is a little immature sometimes, and that makes things worse." Y/n sighs and runs her hand over her face.

"I wouldn't like being his lawyer." Timothee says making Y/n laugh.

"Thank God you act then, huh?" The two laugh and stay silent for a moment.

"Don't think too much about it, he has to deal with the consequences, I would say you've already done too much for him., none of my ex-girlfriends ever wrote me a cute text like that when I got canceled." Timothee says laughing and Y/n laughs more.

"Oh, poor him." She says, squeezing Timothee's cheek with her free hand.

"But seriously, I bet he's completely crazy about you right now." He says, raising his eyebrows and Y/n rolls her eyes.

"WHERE ARE MY TWO PROTAGONISTS?!" They hear the director yell, and Timothee whimpering covering his face with his hands.

"For the love of God, I just want a break!" he pretends to cry and Y/n rolls her eyes pulling his hand away.

And Timothee was completely right, Lando was checking his phone every 30 seconds to see if there were any messages from his ex-girlfriend.

"Stop checking your fucking phone Lando, her not going to call." Carlos said, patting Lando on the shoulder.

The pilots were all together on a "guys' night", but Lando couldn't keep his head there.

"Yeah, she was really nice to make that Instagram post for you." Charles says sitting next to Lando.

"Sorry, I'm lost." Max says trying to make sense of the matter.

"Didn't you see? They're canceling Lando." Charles says pushing Lando's shoulder.

"He seems pretty happy for someone who's being canceled."

"That's because Y/n made a post on Instagram defending him." Carlos says and Lando smiles as he remembers.

"Y/n? Your ex-girlfriend?" Max asks, still a little confused.

"That's her." "But you don't think she wants to get back with you just because of that, do you?" Pierre says, breaking Lando's smile.

"Why else would she do that?" Lando says a little louder now and Pierre scoffs.

"She might be completely over you, which is why she doesn't feel uncomfortable doing it." He shrugs, irritating Lando.

"That doesn't make sense..."

"Actually, it kind of does." George says thoughtfully.

"Why did you guys break up?" Oscar asks, and Carlos scoffs, taking another sip of his beer.

"I broke up with her." This gets Pierre's attention.

"Why would you do something crazy like that?" Pierre asks, laughing.

"Because... Iwantedtoenjoy." Lando says this so quietly and quickly that the pilots look at each other in doubt.

"You wanted to what?" Chales asks and Lando covers his face with his hands.

"I wanted to have fun, but I couldn't do that if I was dating."

When he finishes, there is silence in the middle of it, and wide eyes towards Lando.

"If you broke up with her, why the fuck do you want to get back together?" Pierre asks indignantly.

"Okay, let me get this straight, you broke up with your girlfriend of two years because you wanted to be with everyone until you caught a sexually transmitted disease?" George says and Carlos laughs.

"No, look, I don't know, I just wanted to have fun, okay?"

"Oh, I would have had a lot of fun if I was dating her." Pierre says laughing, making the others laugh along.

"Fuck you!" He says, getting up from the couch and heading to the kitchen to get some water.

"Wait Lando, it was a joke!" Pierre says laughing but Lando gives him the middle finger.

"Was it a joke Pierre?" Charles asks

"No" Pierre says laughing

Lando finds a bottle of water and leans against the counter, drinking it and checking Instagram.

He never unfollowed her, and she never unfollowed him, like she said, they remain friends. In fact, she has always been much more mature than him, and he remembers how she reacted to the breakup like it was yesterday.

—

"It's not you, okay? It's me." Y/n sighs and massages her temple.

"Lando, I know it's not me, and it's okay that you don't want to be with me, I just need to know why, that's all."

"I want to have fun, I want to go out with guys without having to worry about someone else holding me back." Y/n scoffs at that.

"I never stopped you from going out with your friends."

"I know, but you end up getting in my way."

"You end up getting in my way." That's what he said to the woman who put up with him day and night.

"That's right Lando, if I'm just a stone in your way, I better go." Y/n says this with an expression that leaves Lando upside down, Y/n has always been very reserved when it comes to feelings.

"I don't want to lose your friendship Y/n." Lando says as soon as she turns her back. She sighs and looks at him smiling.

"You're not going, you can count on me if you need anything."

And yes, he did and she was there, just like she said she would be.

—

Lando went on Y/n's Instagram for the tenth time that day, maybe to read her text again, or to see if there was a new post or story from her, he doesn't really know.

He just wanted some kind of update, that's all.

He feels his heart beat faster when he sees that there was a new story from her, but before he can press the photo icon, a hand squeezes his shoulder making Lando almost drop his phone.

"Damn Carlos, what a scare." Lando says, dropping the water bottle and putting his hand on his chest.

"You weren't upset, were you? You know how Pierre is." Carlos says, patting Lando on the back.

"I know, I'm just pissed at myself, that's all." Lando says, pressing Y/n's photo icon and immediately regrets it.

"What the FUCK is this?" Lando screams and Carlos snatches the phone out of Lando's hand to look at it too.

"Oh my God, Lando, they're eating sushi!" Carlos can't help but laugh and Lando takes the phone back, looking at those images.

"Fuck! Fuck!"

"I don't know why you're so nervous, she said herself that they were on a break from the movie, besides, you guys aren't even dating anymore." Lando looks at Carlos without answering.

Carlos knew he was a little drunk and stressed, and he knew Lando would have to deal with the consequences even in that state.

Carlos sighs as he hears Lando sniffle.

"I miss her..." He says softly, wiping his eyes on his sweatshirt sleeve.

"Oh Lando, come here." Carlos pulls Lando into a tight hug.

"I know you feel that way, but things can still work out, it's not like they're posting pictures on social media or anything." Carlos tries to joke, but Lando lifts his head and walks away from Carlos, fiddling with his phone.

"That's it, I need to go on his social media."

"I didn't say that-"

"Son of a bitch!" Lando yells and Carlos closes his eyes.

"Lando, please-"

"Look at this!" He practically rubs his phone in his friend's face showing a post from Timothee.

Liked by youruser, carlossainz55 and other people

Tchalamet 🫡

@Youruser

—

Youruser 🫡

Tchalamet 🫡

User1 I hope they get together Geez.

User2 I don't know if I want her or him

User3 I think she deserves someone good for her

User4 I hope this movie gets nominated for an Oscar

-

"Why the hell did you like, Carlos?" Lando yells in Carlos' face.

"I liked it? I didn't even notice."

"Yes, you liked it damn it, whose side are you on?" Carlos observes Lando's state, controlling himself not to laugh.

"I'm on her side, for sure."

"This isn't going to stay like this, not at all." Lando starts doing something on his phone and Carlos sighs for the thousandth time in that half hour.

"Don't do anything you might regret later."

"There, it's done!"

"You must be possessed or something."

—

Timothee was looking at his Instagram and raised his eyebrows, surprised by what he saw in his notifications.

landonorris started following you

—

Taglist

@emryb @sltwins @lottalove4evelyn @weekendlusting

[marloree]

  𝙰 𝚠𝚊𝚕𝚔 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚞𝚖𝚖𝚎𝚛

Pairing: Best Friend! Yeonjun × Reader

Genre: fluff

A/N: it is the last day of the spring this year, so I had to post something to mark it <3

It was the last day of May, the beautiful month that has gone to a waste this year due to your numerous exams.

You were stressed and exhausted, looking forward to the summer break with every fiber of your body.

Spring and summer..these always have been your favourite seasons. The blooming, the undeniable beauty of nature - everything made you wish such a thing as exams didn't exist, at least during spring.

You looked out of your window only to see the mesmerising view: all the trees finally green, birds chirping in the quietness of the spring evening. Sighing because you couldn't afford spending this beautiful evening outside and had to study, you borrowed your nose into yet another textbook.

Well, at least you could study by the open window and still take in the scenery. This made you a tad bit happier.

You didn't know how much time has passed when, suddenly, you heard a pebble being thrown into the direction of your window. It didn't reach the aimed material goal - the window, but reached the main goal - your ears.

"Is that kids playing or what?" you thought, looking out of the window.

To your surprise, there were no kids. The only person standing there was your best friend, Yeonjun.

"Ah, come on, you have studied long enough! You should take a break. Come out, let's go for a walk!" He shouted so you could hear him clearly.

The offer was too tempting, to say the least.

Yet, you wanted to get a good grade on your exam. Did that really matter to you in the moment, though?

"I've been studying for the entire week, I absolutely deserve that rest," you thought. They always say to not overstudy the night before the exams, so what can be better than taking a break?

"Coming!!" You shouted back before quickly disappearing out of sight to get ready.

Not even 10 minutes passed as you were already standing outside beside Yeonjun.

"Woah, didn't know you wanted to go out that bad," the guy chuckled.

"No comment, Jun. I really want to enjoy this last day of spring, though". You looked around, taking in the sweet aromas of the blooming greenery.

"Who doesn't? Let's make it at least a bit memorable by hanging out. It's been a while since we last did."

"Yeah, it's been a long while..," you confirmed unenthusiastically, " I feel like I've been living under a rock for the past month," you sighed.

"You have lived under a rock, no denying."

"This last exam ends and I'm coming out of the shell, I swear."

"Have you seen yourself? You look like a ghost, you seriously should rest more."

"I will, I will," another sigh from you, "but it's summer tomorrow already, can you believe it?"

"I hope you'll get the most out of this summer and enjoy it to the fullest, unlike how you wasted May, Y/N."

"I hope so, too."

[ya-killin-me-smalls]

2BHankmos headcanons like I promised last night

had stuff going on today so didn't get to this until now

under the cut <3

it's like that one meme about dad not wanting a dog but then dad and the dog

except dad is hank and the dog is a clone

starts out as just 2BHank but Doc gets attached fast

doesn't help that Deimos has a massive crush on both on top of being a Hank fanboy

Hank doesn't care at first because it's not like him and Doc are dating dating (they are), but Doc keeps him in the loop regardless

the turning point for Hank? Doc seems happier. he's more relaxed, smiles more often. him and Deimos connect on an emotional level that Hank can't always keep up with but seeing his partner happy makes him happy

that fondness extending towards Deimos is only natural, and eventually Hank corners him in the hallway to inform him that he is now their shared boyfriend. the flustered excitement is contagious and it leaves Hank's hands shaking even though he does his best to play it cool

as with any relationship, it takes them a little time to learn how to navigate each other. they all have different boundaries and love languages but having Deimos in the mix now helps to pick up where the two were previously lacking

Doc feels less neglected with how his and Hank's lines of work keep them separate so often

Hank enjoys having someone that talks to him constantly out in the field and is always excited when he gets back to base after being gone for a while. he hadn't even realized how lonely it was out in the desert sometimes

Deimos feels secure with the two of them. both offer opportunities for growth physically and mentally while still grounding him and bringing a little peace to his chaos

conversely, Hank's quiet presence is always appreciated in Doc's lab. possibly the only person that can sit for hours on end and not say or more importantly touch anything. Deimos is allowed in too but he is On A Timer because he is Distracting

sleeping arrangements were difficult at first. they tried Hank in the middle first, which ended with one of the other two draped over his torso to reach the third by morning. Doc simply does not want to be in the middle because it's claustrophobic in the dark. and Deimos is a stomach sleeper so that on top of having two grown men on either side was smothering

the solution? Deimos sleeps partially on top of Hank and Doc. which works out great because Nevada is cold at night and Deimos is a walking space heater

there are arguments. almost always about something stupid. Hank breaks things up by just picking up whoever is getting the most heated and moving them to another room. Doc keeps a spray bottle on hand (for mostly comedic purposes). Deimos has no skin in the game and will switch between who he backs up depending on what makes the least amount of sense

they have an unending game of tag going on between them. Hank and Deimos take it beyond seriously but Doc will kiss one of them on the cheek and politely inform them they're It. safe zone is the bedroom because sleep would complicate things

there are two ways to show affection: 1) tender, gentle touches. chaste kisses. praises whispered between them like they're afraid of someone eavesdropping. warmth and safety and peace. 2) sparring matches that leave someone with a limp and the other spitting blood. over-the-top, exaggerated displays of brutality that paint cities red as an act of devotion. constantly putting oneself in harm's way to protect the other two. teeth and claws and violence

Hank likes to listen to Doc and Deimos argue about nerd things

in The Bedroom it's always a battle of wills. Deimos more often than not loses said battle, but it isn't rare for Hank to somehow have even less patience at times. Doc, unwavering, has willingly conceded only a handful of times

I can elaborate more on The Bedroom in another post if people are interested but I like to keep mature topics separate for the most part

Deimos is a clothing thief and getting things back from him is like herding cats. he's lucky he's cute

Hank handles Deimos and Doc like they're made of glass whenever they're having a moment. he'll hold their hands or caress their faces so gently and kiss them until they're flustered and out of breath

Doc flusters easily, possibly more so than Deimos, the difference being that he goes out of his way to not get caught in those situations. it's an unspoken game between Deimos and Hank to see who can get him blushing and stuttering the most before getting shooed out of his office

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #118

I went to bed at roughly midnight last night!! Which is roughly an hour past 11pm, which is what's supposed to be my bedtime! But my alarm is set for 8am! Which means I should have gotten around 8 hours of sleep! 8 hours is sufficient!

…Unfortunately, I woke at around 7:30am of my own volition, and then I was not able to go back to sleep. But that's okay; I slept more than I have on recent nights, so I feel better than I did yesterday, for sure!

I made myself some tea. This morning, it was apricot-vanilla flavored black tea! I wonder if you would have liked this one; I'm more than a little sad about the fact that I'll likely never find out, ahahaha…

…But… well. There's not a damn thing I can do about that, other than take pictures and send them along, hoping that they'll reach you somehow… Here:

I had intended to go today to the post office to send the completed amethyst tree sphere to the other side of the planet, but as it turns out, shipping things that far is very expensive, goodness me! So I'm going to have to make more spheres and sell them first, so that I can save up! It shouldn't be too hard, except for the fact that I'm FAR more inclined to simply give them away. I'm no salesperson, and it feels nicer to just be able to hand someone some unexpectedly beautiful thing anyhow; you wouldn't BELIEVE how some people's faces light right up when hand them one of my weird little woven tree crafts! It's seriously the best thing, ahahaha~! 🥰

So, instead of going to the post office, J and I went on a pizza date. We went to our favorite spot! I got a tomato slice, a shrimp scampi slice, and a chicken and mushroom marsala slice, and these were ABSOLUTELY DELECTABLE, oh my goodness! J got a tomato slice and a slice of spinach pie. I took pictures:

Also, J specifically asked me to take a picture of his spinach pie slice from his perspective, just in case you might like it. Here:

…I am not the only one here who likes you and hopes to see you be safe and happy in the end. Even J would like to share a little bit of joy with you. There are lots of people who want to share a little bit of joy with you. You're not alone. Sephiroth, I promise you that you're not alone, no matter what your brain tries to tell you when it's being mean to you.

Speaking of sharing joy with you, I also went on a walk today, and I tried to make it a point to take some nice pictures for you. I hope you'll like them:

I also found a tiny salamander friend on my adventures! I found it trapped inside an abandoned cooler in the woods:

I really have no idea what a cooler is doing in the woods. But it looks REALLY REALLY OLD, good grief! It is NOT a good place for a salamander to live!

The little thing seemed to want to get under my sleeve for some reason, ahahaha~! But as adorable as it was, sadly, I had to disappoint the poor thing; I put it on the ground, underneath some fallen leaves. It'll be happier and safer there, for sure!

As I walked around, there was a pretty big hawk flitting from tree to tree. I followed it around for as long as I could, on a whim. But I wasn't able to get any pictures of it for you; its plumage made it blend too well with the surrounding trees. But, I've been seeing an unusually large number of birds-of-prey and crows ever since the eclipse; I wonder if it threw them all off somehow. In any case, hopefully I'll get you a nice picture of a hawk or something soon!

Anyway, as I imagine you can tell by looking, I ended up getting into weird positions on the ground to get some of these pictures, and I ended up with a deer tick on me as a result. I feel really silly about it; it wasn't the best idea for me to get careless like that, because ticks are a real problem in my world. Ticks are very tiny arachnids that burrow their heads into an animal's skin in order to feed on their blood. This wouldn't be a problem if ticks didn't carry all sorts of nasty diseases, but they do in my part of the world, and one of the scariest ones is Lyme Disease.

Lyme Disease is spread by a kind of bacteria that the ticks catch from feeding on small rodents. Left unchecked, these bacteria like to eat things such as nerves, joints, and myocardial tissue. Deer ticks are the only carrier of Lyme Disease where I live, so I guess I'm gonna hafta keep an eye on the bite and make sure it doesn't develop the bullseye rash that's characteristic of infection. I also put the tick in a little disposable plastic sandwich bag just in case I develop weird symptoms; it'll be good to have on hand just in case I need to get it tested for diseases.

It's all right though; the tick was on me for less than 24 hours, and it came out of my skin really easily - didn't even hurt! And I washed the bite as soon as the tick was removed. It didn't get an opportunity to feed on me yet, because it was removed too quickly. Chances of infection are very low, if not practically nonexistent. And even if I did get infected, we've got fancy medicines to clear it right up, no problem; everything will be okay! Don't worry your pretty little head about me, alright? I'll be fine! 😁💖

Oh! I also cooked some ground pork and beef, in preparation for making a recipe that some awesome person on the internet sent to me… gosh… a while ago now. I've been meaning to cook it up for a number of weeks, because it sounds ABSOLUTELY FREAKING DELECTABLE, but lately, I've been either too busy, too exhausted, or some weird combination of both. But I have all the ingredients on hand; it's just a matter of putting them together! I'm looking forward to it!! I can't wait to show it to you, because the person who shared it with me cares about you, too!

Anyhoot, it's getting late, and it's probably about time I went to bed. I've got a lot to do tomorrow, goodness me; therapy, and hangouts with my best friend B, and maybe cooking the thing if I still have energy leftover (I hope!). We'll see what happens!

Hey Sephiroth! Please remember to rest and to take delight in wholesome things and to treat yourself nice, okay? I dunno exactly what you're trying to do over at the Edge of Creation, but if you're gonna make it through all this okay in the end, you're gonna hafta make kind and loving choices, and to be able to do that reliably, you're gonna need all your strength. As far as I know, I can't zoop over there and give you a nutritious, wholesome meal and a nice cup of tea, because I am just a derpy autistic nerd who is totally devoid of reality-bending powers (much to my chagrin). So you gotta do it for yourself instead, okay? Promise me that you will, won't you?

And if you're having trouble, just pretend you're me for long enough to treat yourself in the same way that I would treat you. Or you can just make pretend like your self-destructive tendencies are dragons that need to be slain. That's how I've been dealing with mine, anyway, and it's objectively true that you're FAR better at slaying dragons than I could ever hope to be - I mean, c'mon, have you taken a look at me? I'm basically just a weird squiggly noodle. You can do better than I can at most anything - I promise.

I'll write again tomorrow. I love you. Stay safe out there.

Your friend, Lumine

[whimsicallyenchantedrose]

Christmas Reruns 2023 Day 9: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas (2/3)

Merry Christmas if you celebrate it and happy holidays if you don’t!  One of the things I love about Christmas is watching reruns of all the old classic Christmas movies–Christmas is a big time for nostalgia.  A few years ago, I decided to incorporate that tradition into my fandom life and post my CS holiday reruns.  So here you go!  Enough holiday (mostly) fluff to get you to New Year’s Day. (With a new story posting on Christmas Day.)

Rating: G

Word Count: 2545

Other chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32

Notes: This story was originally written in 2014.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

“Looks like your boyfriend learned about Christmas,” David said dryly as he pushed open the sheriff’s station door.           

Emma elbowed her way past her father to have a look and then barked out a laugh.  A veritable forest of mistletoe hung above her desk and chair.  David was right; it couldn’t be the work of anyone but her adorable idiot of a pirate.

“Although if he really wanted to get you to kiss him,” David continued, draping his winter coat over the back of his own chair, “he would have hung it inside one of the jail cells.  We left the station locked when we went on rounds, so I’m pretty sure this qualifies as breaking and entering.”

Emma grinned.  “Cut him some slack, Dad.  There are far, far worse things he could have done, don’t you think?”

“That depends,” David replied with a frown.

“Yeah?  On what?”

“Whether or not he makes use of the mistletoe when I’m around.”

Emma laughed again, still amazed at the happiness that was her life at the moment.  Seriously, who would have thought that Emma Swan, the unloved, unwanted orphan would one day have to deal with an overzealous pirate boyfriend and an overprotective father?

“I’ll make him behave,” Emma promised.  “At least while you’re around.”

David grimaced.  “You had to tack on that last part?”

“Yep,” Emma replied, taking a seat.  “Deal with it Dad; your little girl’s dating a pirate.  Bound to be some…um…misbehavior.  Probably on both our parts.”

David groaned.

Her dad put up a good show, but Emma knew that’s all it was—a show.  The bromance was strong with these two.  Emma didn’t know who was happier that her relationship with Killian was still going strong, her or her dad.

A month had passed since Gold’s sorcerer’s hat stunt, and they were all still reeling from it to various extents.  She’d had nightmares about it every night for a solid two weeks following the incident.  Nightmares where they didn’t make it in time.  Nightmares where she, her mom and Belle arrived at the clock tower a moment after Gold had finished crushing Killian’s heart into a fine powder.  She’d woken up shaking and bathed in sweat. 

If Gold had succeeded…she couldn’t even bring herself to finish the sentence.  The very thought scared her more than anything in her life had ever scared her.

It was in that moment when she was frozen in place, helpless to protect Killian, that she gave up the last bit of pretense.  She loved him; there was no denying it.  Just the sight of him was enough to make the butterflies start tap dancing in her stomach.

“What do you think of my first attempt at decorating for the season?” 

Speak of the devil. 

Killian strode in with the confidence (and looks) of a fashion model.  He leaned down, brushed a kiss against her cheek and then straightened with the grin she’d come to learn meant trouble.

“Not bad,” she said, “but you know people usually just hang one sprig of mistletoe, not a whole garden.”

He tsked, and frowned at her playfully.  “And where would be the fun in that?  I’d prefer to increase my chances of finding myself under it with a fetching lass rather than limit them.”

He pulled her to her feet and wrapped his arms around her.  “Speaking of which, it appears you and I are currently standing beneath a particularly hearty specimen.  Holiday traditions must be observed, darling.  Good form and all.”

She grinned and looped her arms around his neck.  “So what are you waiting for?”

His smile turned distinctly wicked.  “Not a thing in the world, love.”

A wildfire raged between them at the first touch of his lips to hers.  It was always like this between them; like someone had tossed a lit match on a mountain of dry kindling.  Emma tilted her head, instantly deepening the kiss, reveling in the feel of his hand in her hair anchoring her to him, his hook at her back urging her closer.

David cleared his throat.  Loudly.  Whatever adjectives could be used to describe her father, “subtle” was not one of them.  Emma pulled away with an apologetic look at her boyfriend, then turned to face her dad.  Killian reached down and laced his fingers with hers.

“You guys mind?” David asked with a hint of exasperation.  “This is a place of business after all.”

“Funny,” Killian said with a smirk, “you seemed to be singing an entirely different tune that night last week when I walked in to find you and your lovely wife similarly expressing your affection.”

David spluttered.  “That’s…that’s different!”

“Aye?  How so?”

“It’s different because…because…well, because it just is.”

Killian laughed with such good humor that soon even David joined in.  “Look,” her father finally said, “I’m glad you two are happy together, I really am, but could you keep the PDA to a minimum while I’m around?  Please?”

Killian sketched a bow.  “I shall endeavor to control myself, but confronted with your daughter’s ravishing beauty, I am, more often than not, unable to express my admiration any other way.”

Emma laughed and swatted him playfully.  “You are so full of it.”

“Aye,” he returned with a flirtatious wink, “but I noticed you failed to put up a protest at my ‘PDA’ a moment ago.”

“I’ll admit,” she returned, placing her free hand over his heart, a gesture she found herself making more and more frequently since his ordeal with Gold, “kissing you is kind of addicting.  So, what’s up?  We weren’t supposed to meet for lunch for another hour or so.”

“I’ve come to steal you away, love,” He said, giving her hand a squeeze.  “The snow has bathed the woods in a blanket of loveliness, and I wish to share it with my favorite lass.”

“I can’t just go take a stroll in the woods,” Emma said.  “For one thing, it’s cold.  For another, I’ve got work to do.  And did I mention, it’s cold?”

The look on his face was two parts puppy and one part wicked.  “If we don’t go, I’ll be forced to hang around and, no doubt, nauseate your father.  We wouldn’t want that, now would we?  Besides, I’m…more than capable of keeping you warm.”

“Ugh,” David said.  “Emma just go with him.  I’ll cover for you.”

“Well,” Emma said, grabbing her coat and hat, “if you both insist…”

“We do,” David and Killian said in unison.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Emma had to admit it was beautiful and peaceful out here. And with Killian’s arm draped around her, surprisingly warm as well.  On impulse, she reached up and pecked him on the cheek. 

“And what was that delightful gesture for, Swan?”

She shrugged.  “No reason.  Just…thank you.  You were right.  It’s nice to get away from the craziness of the town for a while.”

He smiled, making the crow’s feet stand at attention at the edges of his eyes.  “Darling, when are you going to finally realize that I’m always right?”

Emma rolled her eyes but couldn’t keep the grin from her face.  “Don’t hold your breath, pirate.”

“Thought as much,” Killian muttered under his breath.

Emma had never been a big fan of winter.  She hated the cold, and the snow drove her crazy—especially now that she was the sheriff and was called to every fender bender and slide-off in the whole damn town.  Killian, however, seemed to have an entirely different opinion on the matter.  His face was lit up with the wonder and awe of a child as he trudged through the ankle-deep snow and watched the flurries continue to drift down.

“You seem to be enjoying this weather,” she observed, reaching up to feather her fingers through his hair and dislodge the stubborn snowflakes that had evidently decided to take up residence there.

“Aye,” he said, looking down at her with a delighted grin.  “Always reminds me of a day I spent with Liam many, many years ago.”

Emma perked up at the mention of Killian’s brother.  “You never talk about him.  I always assumed the memories were too painful for you.”

Killian smiled tenderly.  “Aye, some memories are.  It seems no matter how many centuries go by, the sting of his passing will never truly fade.  I do, however, have many, many pleasant memories of him, and the day we spent in the snow is certainly one of those.”

“Would you tell me about it?”

“Of course,” he complied without hesitation.  “It was one of the last good memories I had of my family.  My mum died the following year, and my father was never the same after her passing.  At any rate, I was but a wee lad at the time, five, maybe six years old.  Liam was a good ten years my senior and I nearly worshiped him.  He’d just informed me that he would be leaving in less than a fortnight upon his first ship; I no longer recall her name.  He was to be a cabin boy and I’ve rarely seen a lad so excited.  I was, of course, devastated that my brother, my hero, would be leaving me in a matter of days.”

“I can only imagine,” Emma soothed.  Killian felt things so deeply; his entire heart and soul were invested when he loved.  Liam’s departure must have hit him hard.

“Aye,” he said with a grimace.  “Anyway, on the day in question, Liam woke me, excited about the newly fallen snow.  We two spent the entire day reveling in it—making snowmen and snow fortifications.  Engaging in a rather ruthless snowball fight.  It was a day I wouldn’t trade for all the rum in the Enchanted Forest.”

“It sounds great.”

“Aye, that it was.”

They lapsed into silence for a time.  Emma rested her head against his shoulder, and she felt him brush a kiss against the crown of her head.

“So how was your breakfast with Henry?” Emma asked.

“Informative,” Killian said, and Emma could hear the smile in his voice.  “The lad is a wealth of information.  He seems quite excited for this Christmas holiday.”

Emma sighed.  “Yeah.  Seems like it’s all he can talk about.”

Killian looked over at her.  “From your tone, I take it you don’t share his sentiments?”

“No.”  The word was definitive, emphatic.

“The lad told me as much,” Killian admitted.  “He was concerned that you seem unwilling to participate in this realm’s Christmas traditions.”

Emma grimaced.  “I was hoping it would be enough for him to get all the Christmas crap at Regina’s or my mom and dad’s.”

Killian stopped walking and turned her toward him.  “The lad didn’t come to me because he needs more Christmas; he came to me because he’s worried about you.”

Henry was worried about her?  Because of Christmas?  “He doesn’t need to be.  I’m fine.”

Killian looked at her skeptically.  “Swan, I’ve seen you ‘fine’.  I’ve seen you happy.  I’ve seen you content.  You are feeling none of those emotions.  This ‘Christmas’ is obviously a source of pain for you.  Please, tell me why that is.”

Emma sighed.  There really was no point trying to hide anything from this man.  “It’s just…I don’t know.  Christmas is all about family and happiness and being together and stuff.”

“And these are bad things?”  At some point, Killian brought his good hand up to cup her face, and he was gently caressing her cheek with his thumb. 

“No…”  Emma drew out the syllable.  “Not in general, but for an unwanted little girl in the group homes it was torture.  I mean, everywhere you turned you’d get assaulted with images of happy little families doing happy little family things.  Every time you turned on the TV you’d see commercials and movies and everything else where everyone was perfectly happy and enjoying each other’s company.  The songs talk about it being the happiest time of the year, or about how people love going home for the holidays or the love of family.  You know what it was for me?  It was a slap in the face.  It was yet another reminder that I’d never had that and probably never would.”

The compassion in Killian’s eyes nearly broke her.  He dropped his hand from her face and gathered her into his arms, holding her tight.  She clung to him, drinking in the love he offered her.

“Emma,” he whispered., “there are so many, many people who love you.  So many, many people who would do anything to make you happy.”

The tears rushed to her eyes.  “I know, and it means everything in the world to me.  It’s just—I don’t know.  Childhood memories die hard.  I don’t know if I can even do all the ‘happy family Christmas’ stuff.”

“But you said it yourself, love,” Killian reasoned, stroking her hair.  “Christmas isn’t about perfectly fulfilling the traditions you’re accustomed to.  It’s not about living up to the standards you believe the ‘perfect’ families attained.  It’s not about fulfilling a checklist of Christmas items.  It’s about being with the ones you love; showing them how much you care.”

Killian pulled away.  “Let us love you,” he said simply.  “Let us show you how much you mean to all of us.  Let us build our own traditions, our own memories.  Perhaps they won’t erase the pain of the past, but trust me love, the good memories, the beautiful moments—they shine as brightly as the star Leroy attempted to force me to place on the top of Granny’s tree—if you but let them.  They are like the sun that blots out the light of the stars.  Losing Liam to dreamshade—it was one of the darkest days of my life.  The pain of losing my brother, the man who was captain and brother and hero to me, was such that words cannot describe.  Even so, traumatic as that day was, it cannot hold a candle to the simple joy of that day spent playing in the snow. ”

“I wish I’d met Liam,” Emma said with a wistful smile.

“As do I love,” Killian said.  “He would have liked you—and would have thanked his lucky stars that I’d finally found myself a beautiful blonde savior to point me back to the man I wish to be.”

Emma stroked his face.  “He’d be proud of you, Killian.  You’re a good man; one of the best and most honorable I know.”

Killian turned his head and brushed a kiss against her palm.  “You can have no idea how sweet those words sound coming from your lips.  I have but one bit of advice for you, love: don’t run from the love of family and the joys of Christmas all around you.  Make new memories, good memories.  I can promise you; you won’t regret it.”

Emma reached up and brushed a soft kiss against his lips.  “Maybe you’re right.”

“Again with the skepticism, darling?  Didn’t we just establish I’m always right?”

Emma chuckled.  “Whatever.  I’m hungry.  Are you going to take me to lunch or not?”

Killian sketched a bow.  “My lady’s wish is my command.”

–Up next, Emma and Killian return to her apartment after the town’s Christmas Eve party.

NEXT CHAPTER->

[weebsinstash]

Hi there. I’ve noticed you have been posting a lot of recs lately and was wondering if you could post a list of your overall top 5. Been looking for more stuff to read.

I sure could! I've been having a lot of fun reading all these new stories ^^ these are not in order of importance or anything and anything in the plot summaries either have defails that are revealed extremely early on or are minor minor spoilers

..........................

1. Actually, I Was The Real One

Status: still in progress

Plot summary: Keira Parvis is the eldest and only daughter of the Parvis family, prophecized to become a Saint who can commune with the spirits and bring peace to the land, a role exclusive to her bloodline. She works diligently and devotes her entire childhood to working and studying hard to earn the attention and approval of her extremely distant emotionally absent father Ludwig, to no avail, becoming known to everyone as a no-nonsense, stone-faced prodigy who most are too intimidated to approach. Before her powers can manifest though, a young girl named Cosette comes forward and says she is the real daughter and that Keira is illegitimate, and Cosette displays her spiritual powers in front of everyone to prove it. Keira is immediately branded as a fake and a heretic fated to bring disaster and is set to be executed for treason. Cosette then appears in front of the gagged, imprisoned Keira, and happily tells her "actually you WERE the real one :)". Keira can do nothing as she is executed right in front of the city and her father Ludwig, who does nothing to stop it. With her soul travelling back in time before her execution, Keira vows to not only get revenge on Cosette and avoid her death, but to also live a happier life where she is not constantly trying to please her father who has done nothing but break her heart (end summary)

Oh my god this story. I think this one might be my favorite, which is tragic because it's either on hiatus or between seasons right now since it hasn't updated since spring 2022 (update! as I am coming back to this draft, the story actually began updating again a few days ago and I am so so SO excited and happy to see it continuing). The villain Cosette is infuriating and Keira is a strong competent and highly relatable lead. Since she spent so long trying to study and be perfect, she can be extremely socially awkward so this story is not only one of revenge and redemption, but also a sort of rebirth into a happier life. Keira starts making changes to how she lives and her personal journey is honestly really touching. She has never had friends or a boyfriend and she starts trying to be less lonely and it is honestly the most heart warming and cute thing ever. In the very beginning of the story, she tries to step down as the captain of the knights because she thinks people hate her and feel she weaseled her way into her position (because technically her position as captain is tradition for children of her family although she is also genuinely fully qualified enough to hold the position anyways), but after she gives a speech to the knights, saying she's sorry for making them uncomfortable, that the last thing she wanted to do was be a cold dictator who pushed people around, that she just took her job seriously, when she literally turns to leave all the knights together just burst into NO OH MY GOD NO WE HAD NO IDEA WE WERE IN THE WRONG PLEASE STAY CAPTAIN 🥺.

She starts forming friendships with her maids and one of them introduces her to a romance novel which she has never even read these kinds of stories before AND SHE STAYS UP ALL NIGHT READING IT LIKE A DORK. She tries to start dating and the first guy is so unbelievably sketchy you are just reading it SCREAMING through the monitor "BABY NO" because it's her first crush and she is so innocent oh my god 🥺

There's just. There's this scene that isn't even very plot significant but. She's sitting down at a garden party or something with all these other girls who are around her age and they all begin to laugh and tease her as they talk about marriage and it's like. She has friends now 🥺 Keira's character arc is not just about trying to save herself, but also growing as a person and finding out who she really is. This story is like watching your little sister grow up and im so happy it's still being continued

2. Father I Don't Want This Marriage!

Status: ongoing

Plot summary: a time travel story in a world of magic! Juvelia is framed for the poisoning of the princess and jailed and abandoned by her father who has been cold to her for her entire life, no matter what she does. Her father locks her up and gives her a knife before leaving without saying much more, and in a moment of pure panic, when the notoriously violent and cruel crown prince and brother of the princess is angrily approaching her cell, in the depths of her despair and with fears of being tortured, she kills herself and winds up travelling back through time. Can she use her knowledge of the future to avoid the same fate she had before, and why is her father suddenly acting so much differently?

My gosh this story gets so sad in places, but overall it's actually often very cute, wholesome, and comedic! The ML is green flags all around and is very cute and dorky once he realizes he loves Juvelia. He literally goes from realizing he loves her to fantasizing about marrying her and having kids together (his inner thought bubbles literally say something like "would just a boy and a girl be ok?" like, he legitimately wants to have a family with her 🥺❤). They are often represented as a white mouse and a black cat and I often find the symbolism and little jokes between them or the artistic humor used to be charming.

Also. My god. This is also one of those "my fiance cheated so im leaving him and going my own way" stories and her fiance Mikhail is literally destroying himself trying to get her back. He's so self centered and pathetic that when Juvelia leaves him he later on shows up at a party with another woman just to make her jealous, and when she doesn't care, he discards the other woman immediately, who then becomes one of Juvelia's friends because fuck that loser douchebag. His descent into insanity is a lesson in karma for sure

3. Wendy The Florist

Status: this one is actually fully completed! A rarity amongst manhwa tbh

Plot Summary: Olivia Haslett is an illegitimate daughter whose mother has passed away. She lives in her family's home with her father and his wife and daughter, the women scorning and abusing Olivia even though uhhhh it was the father who cheated??? Her entire childhood is lonely and miserable since her stepmother encourages her step-sister and servants to constantly abuse her while her pussy loser dad does nothing to stop it or even defend her in any way whatsoever, and one day when her fiancé Dylan is coming to visit, she sees him the garden kissing her sister. She breaks up with him and leaves, eventually stumbling into the woods in tears and encountering a fairy who gives her the magic power to grow plants. She decides to leave her family's home, separate herself from them entirely, and create a new life for herself while opening a flower shop with the new identity of Wendy Waltz

Honestly being completed gives a lot more value to this story because when you're reading a manhwa that hasn't completed, it can really lose your interest while you're waiting between chapters. Wendy is also very headstrong and confident while also having a vast knowledge of plants and their uses. When she finds Dylan cheating she IMMEDIATELY tells him to get fucked and to never bother her again and she maintains this attitude basically the entire story which, good for her! The stakes in this story are relatively low but the emotional payoff is still nice. I also like the art and the coloring and there's a plot that exists outside of the romance between Wendy and the male lead. Even Wendy's abusive stepsister has her own reasons for what she does, and Dylan too! A nice story with an acceptable length and a happy ending :)

4. I Tamed a Tyrant and Ran Away

Status: ongoing

Plot summary: Time travel! Charlize Ronan is an extremely skilled knight from a noble family. She works hard her entire life to try and earn her father's approval to no avail, and in an attempt to impress him, becomes a servant of the Emperor where she is essentially tortured with magic and turned into a living sword, unable to move or speak or do anything except be a power source and vessel for killing, undying and trapped in hell for literally hundreds of years. She prays to God to either finally be free or just die to end her misery, and she is sent back in time to before she was transformed. She vows to take revenge on the entire Empire that turned her into a slave and begins her plan by recruiting Dylan, a mwmebr of the crown family and a man who in her future would become an extremely talented tyrant. Using her knowledge from the future, she makes him fall in love with her and pushes him towards becoming Emperor to overthrow the man who turned her into a sword and all of his accomplices, while also uncovering a hidden conspiracy of mages and legends about two people who may be carrying pieces of the good and evil gods inside of them

As much as I love Charlize as a talented swordwielding girlboss MY GOD did she dig her own grave with this one. She literally meets him in adolescence and changes his entire life for the better and then just VANISHES thinking he's just going to get over her. Dylan is absolutely a yandere for sure but in a way where he genuinely loves her and simply cannot live without her rather then some other people who view their darling as more of a possession. She leaves and he literally has dreams and fantasies and hallucinations of her, he aches for her so bad. This is also coupled with a subplot about an abusive and neglectful family and how she gets revenge on them by simply not giving a fuck and turning her back on them completely while becoming independent, if that's your cup of tea

5. Remarried Empress

Status: ongoing

Plot: Navier Troby comes from a family with a long history of women becoming the Empress and she is raised from birth to become one, becoming mature, eloquent, calm, and educated. She is given an arranged marriage in childhood to the Emperor's heir and future ruler Sovieshu and they grow up together and marry. One day, however, Sovieshu returns home with a runaway slave woman who quickly becomes his mistress, and Sovieshu expects Navier to not only tolerate her presence but welcome the homewrecker with open arms. The mistress deliberately schemes and causes conflicts on purpose to create friction between Sovieshu and Navier and he is so stupid and blind he takes the mistress' side every single time. He eventually divorces Navier for the other woman (for absolutely the dumbest fucking reasons, you will be rolling your eyes at the fucking clownery of this man) but Navier has a surprise: she tells the priest that literally just divorced her that she is officially asking him for immediate remarriage to a other man :)

This is the like, the gold standard OG for "my shit husband cheated on me and the mistress keeps trying to fuck with me so im outta here and doing what I want for myself" stories. If it doesn't make you angry seeing what happens to Navier after she has done nothing wrong I don't know what will. The characters in this story I find to be very emotionally complex and well written and I will DIE if it doesn't finish. The relationship between Navier and the ML Heinrey is very cute and sweet and there is a genuine mutual respect and they are just also very wholesome with each other. There are even subplots like the Duke of another country having sympathy for Navier because while her husband is openly flaunting his concubine, in the other man's country their ruler only has one wife and he finds Sovieshu's actions to be disgusting and disrespectful to Navier

Just. My god. The side bitch Rashta will really get your blood boiling. She is naive and clingy and childish and is just fucking ANNOYING. At some point she's trying to seem more like a noble lady instead of being the dense former slave cant-read-the-room bitch that she is and starts following Navier around to copy her. THIS IS A WOMAN WHO DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO READ AND SHE APPROACHES THE WIFE OF THE MAN SHE IS SLEEPING WITH AND SAYS "Can I call you sister since we share the same husband?" LIKE MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TILL YOU GET YOUR JUST DESSERTS

.............................

It was hard to choose a top 5, so I have a few more suggestions although these will be much briefer

How To Get My Husband On My Side: i can't remember that much about the plot because its in hiatus but the poor FL is horribly abused by her family to the point her back is covered in scars from being WHIPPED and she literally develops bulimia so that there is something in her life she can have control over. My god her brother Cesare is violently physically abusive on top of treating her so openly borderline incestuously that there are rumors and even songs about how they're sexually involved as siblings, that's how fucking creepy he is, people are literally making rumors he fucks his sister, although it's hinted Cesare might be spreading some of these rumors himself to keep men away from his sister. She barely stood up to him ONE TIME and he took her pet bird, injured it, and fed it alive to his snapping turtle right in front of her which gave her such an intense fear of turtles she cannot even stand to see statues of them. This is a story of her finding love and acceptance after being pushed around and abused for the benefit of others, and when certain characters around her realize she has an eating disorder they are very supportive and respectful and I find that this sensitive topic was handled very well.

WOW I ACTUALLY FORGOT A STORY I MEANT TO INCLUDE IN THE TOP 5 LMAO

The Villainess is a Marionette is another "I read this novel and now I'm living it" stories. In the novel Kayena is the daughter of the Emperor, the Princess who will manipulated by her brother Regef before being married off to an abusive possessive man who eventually will kill her for trying to escape. (not gonna lie this probably sounds so bad but the way Regef becomes obsessed with her at least as far as I'm currently reading is about to turn my ass into an incest shipper 😩 although mentally that is someone entirely different from his actual sister but he doesn't know that) so the new transmigrated Kayenna vows to do things differently and set up her own future. The art in this manhwa is insanely pretty, even just the use of filters and sunlight is well done and eye catching like, there are so many manhwa with such blah art and this is not one of them. Some manhwa artists can't even draw distinct faces or intense expressions but the artist for this sure can and also gonna stress again IT IS SO PRETTY

No More Turning A Blind Eye: i mentioned it the other day but this is another transmigrated FL getting revenge on her cheating husband. She has money and influence and is in actually a higher social standing than her husband and uses that to start living happier after divorcing him which makes him go borderline insane. Something I feel worth mentioning is that this story isn't afraid to introduce side characters who are more unconventional in typical "everyone is pretty" fantasy land. There is Madam Kate who is an older stout dress designer and there is a plot about an opera singer who basically starved herself for beauty and then one day a fan left cake in her dressing roon and she ate the whole thing and found out how extremely unhappy she was and began to live how she wanted and gained weight, but she began to be bullied and lost her confidence, and you'd think, oh they're just going to boost her self esteem and make her thin again, but no, its handled very respectfully and I like that the singer essentially chose to gain weight because eating made her happy rather than it being more stereotypical, and that she wasn't upset at gaining weight more so how she was treated because of it.

Lastly I have a story I haven't even began reading yet but ive seen it in YouTube shorts and it seems very interesting! The Maid Wants To Quit Within The Reverse Harem Game is about an FL who got transported into the world of a game but! She is transported into the role of an extra, an npc, a maid! She gets stuck in a time loop of the plot of the game and experiences the same plot lines over and over and she's sick of it, but when she finally decides to try and go to the office to hand in her resignation letter and escape the mansion where the story takes place, her resignation letter gets torn up right in front of her as the three love interests say she's their favorite and they won't let her go! Did something happen in the game, or is her going off-script somehow making her the new protagonist of the game? Guess I'll have to read it and see!

[rpf-bat]

Flufftober Drabbles, Day 22: “Have You Heard?”

I’m so sorry for posting this five days late. 😭 I’ll try to get caught up over the weekend.

This one’s Niko/Joonas and it’s 672 words. 🤫

Joonas was standing in the checkout line at the supermarket. The mask covering the lower half of his face itched, and he knew he probably looked strange, wearing sunglasses indoors, with his hoodie pulled up over his head. But, lately, this was the only way he could walk around Helsinki, without being mobbed by fans.

He didn’t mind doing the occasional picture or autograph. But, today, he was starving, and he just wanted to buy his frozen dinner in peace and go home. He glanced nervously at the two teenage girls in front of him in line. They didn’t seem to recognize him. Thank goodness.

“Have you heard?” the blonde girl whispered to her friend.

“Heard what?” the brown-haired teen asked.

“That Joonas and Niko are officially dating!” the blonde grinned.

Huh? Joonas blinked.

“No way!” the second girl gasped.

“It’s true,” the first girl insisted.

No, it’s not, Joonas thought, chewing his lip uncomfortably.

“Where did you read this?” the brunette asked, as she handed her credit card to the cashier.

“In Ilta-Sanomat,” the blonde replied.

What the hell? Joonas frowned, grabbing a copy of the popular Finnish tabloid off the newsstand by the checkout counter.

His eyes widened when he saw the headline: It’s Official! Joonas Porko And Niko Moilanen Are In A Relationship! Read More On Page Three!

Joonas raised an eyebrow as he flipped the pages.

A source close to the band, he read suspiciously, states that violent pop vocalist Niko Moilanen officially started dating his bandmate, Joonas Porko, one month ago! Our source wishes to remain anonymous, but he states that the happy couple are spending lots of time together, enjoying their new relationship now that their tour of Europe is over!

Their source doesn’t exist, Joonas thought with a sigh. As much as he wished for the article to be true, it wasn’t. He and Niko were just friends.

He paid for his food quickly, and walked home. He dialed Niko’s number while his food cooked in the microwave.

“Hey, what’s up?” Niko asked, answering on the second ring.

“Why do the newspapers think we’re dating?!” Joonas cried.

“I don’t know,” Niko replied, sounding amused. “Maybe because we kiss each other all the time?”

“Not anymore. We didn’t play Sharks at all, during the last two tours,” Joonas protested. “You know that.”

This had been by his own request. He had given Niko the excuse, that he was simply bored of playing the same old song, again and again. In actuality, it had started to hurt, to kiss someone every night, who wasn’t actually interested in a serious relationship with him.

“Does it bother you that much?” Niko asked. “I mean, the idea of dating me?”

“It bothers me that people are saying it, because it’s not true,” Joonas frowned. “Someone is pretending to know us, and lying about our relationships to the press.”

“The press probably made it up themselves, to sell magazines,” Niko guessed, chuckling.

“This isn’t funny!” Joonas cried.

Everything was a joke to Niko. He giggled every time they kissed. Joonas felt like an idiot, for letting his own feelings for Niko become so serious.

“So, what do you want me to do about it?” Niko asked.

“I don’t know,” Joonas sighed. “I guess people will believe what they want to believe about us.”

“Well…,” Niko asked hesitantly, “would it make you feel better if the rumors were true?”

“Huh?” Joonas reddened. “What are you saying?”

“What if you and I actually went on a date?” Niko clarified.

“Stop messing with me,” Joonas said softly.

“I’m not joking,” Niko insisted. “Joonas, I’m really asking you out right now.”

“Really?” Joonas blinked.

“Yes, really!” Niko replied seriously. “Joonas..I always feel happier when I’m around you. Thats why I can’t keep the smile off my face.”

“Then, yes!” Joonas grinned, wondering if this was all just a sweet dream. “I’d love to!”

“Let the paparazzi take pictures of us holding hands if they want to,” Niko dared. “I’ll pick you up at seven.”

[moderndaycirce]

More post!canon baby thoughts:

Kerry is the first person told (As in previous post: Johnny's freak out led him to his best friend who tells him to stop being an ass and to go back to V: “Seriously, Johnny? If there was one thing I learnt from my ex-wife it’s that you don’t fucking upset a pregnant woman.”)

They keep it quiet after that, coming to terms with the whole concept. They lost almost the first three months to not knowing, so they don't want to tell people until they get used to the idea. She's 22 weeks before they actually go public with it, but some people know before then.

Claire works it out the day they found out when V doesn't drink or smoke the whole night when she comes to work. She doesn't have to say anything, just silently shows V that she's switching out her gin with water when they're alone later that night. She's a real bro about it.

Nix finds out few weeks later cause he's a nosy fucker who can crack the ICE on Johnny's holo and personally saw to the ICE on V's. He doesn't really do anything with the information, he's just a runner who likes to hoard data.

The second person they actually tell is Rogue. V calls her one night, freaking out that she can't be a fixer AND be a mother. Rogue immediately flies back to NC and takes V for coffee, reassuring her that she'd be able to do it. She manages to make V laugh when she reminds her that they forgot to tell her they got married because she was on the other side of the world, so she's happier that she got some warning this time. She sticks around NC for support and covers for Virginia for a few weeks once Millie is born. She expresses afterward that she's very happy that period of her life is over, but still comes back again five years later when Sylvia comes along.

The rest of Samurai have suspicions, especially when V is around and Kerry is practically VIBRATING with excitement and being very careful around her. Johnny's busy trying to play it cool, which Kerry almost ruins multiple times. By the time she's about 18 weeks pregnant Nancy, Denny and Henry are all convinced she is, but they agree that it's a big deal for Johnny's "I'm a changed man" thing, so they let it slide until they tell them. At 20 weeks it's getting harder for Virginia to hide the bump, so Samurai are finally let in on the big secret. They bet on the sex of the baby, with the whole band thinking it's a boy. By now, they know it's a girl, so they just let the band debate it out.

Virginia tells Misty and Mama Welles at the same time around the 20 week mark too, she doesn't see them as often as she'd like due to how busy her work is. Misty claims she's known the whole time. Both Misty and Mama Welles think she's having a girl.

Panam finds out with the public at 22 weeks, which she's furious about but the Aldecaldos were off the grid for weeks. V tries to argue that she has been trying to call her, but Panam gets all pouty and stubborn. She calls back after fifteen minutes, screaming with excitement once she got over that she was the last to know.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary237

5/9-10/2024

thursday - friday

exhausted, we went out.

i won't elaborate really, i am just tired, i woke up at like 6 am-ish today and went to bed sort of late last night, like 11. so i've been up a while on not a perfect amount of sleep.

i saw some things i'm really glad i saw tonight, people especially. i know that since my gf is graduating, she might see some people less, but i don't want that to happen, to the people i like at least, and i think i have to make the effort because i know they might not, not all of them at least, unless i show them in some way. some people would, for sure, or at least try to, but who knows ultimately.

i do think though maybe i'd be happier now if i stayed home, but if i did, i'd be sadder later, i guess. maybe. i dunno. i could have worked more on the album. it is definitely in a phase where everything i am doing is making these songs better at least, so i'm happy about that.

anyway, i also saw this woman in a rather empty goth club, older, definitely not in her youth, but reminiscing with her body and activity, some past, far off from where i am or have ever been. she twirled something that seemed like a dragon on string, she made a few mistakes, the music was kind of bad but she made it beautiful, which is incredible i think, i think the fact that there's a past there, implicitly at least, lends her some tragedy, at the same rate though, she really did express beauty there, i wanted to cry almost watching.

there is a photo of her.

today was also the last day for all the creative writing mfas to do like, a thesis show-off thing. they were all bad, and my gf is not one of them, i have to clarify. we go almost because it's awful and the creative writing major people tend to be kind of terrible, even when kind i dunno, they are just not pleasant. that is for some reason interesting to us. maybe we should interrogate that more but we'll never see them again.

one of them, in this little thing they had on the tables at this back yard of a bar downtown they were doing their reading in, this yearbook program book thingy, she had her quote and it was

"if you can't do anything productive, don't do anything at all"

which is profoundly fascist to me. i mean that super honestly and it honestly disgusts me a little, it reminds me of what is going on in canada right now. if you can't be productive and escape your circumstance, why, and then, end. end meaning, of course, kill yourself, or die, or cease, whatever is easiest to swallow.

am i productive?

no, obviously not.

i am a bad person probably. certainly today i made something out of social outbursts almost among the poets and writers. can i count myself among them? i have no degree. in my gf's mother's words, i am uneducated. good, let them have that. i am my worthlessness, if i am no value, i am the transgression of the thought to value anything. given that, i am beset with the return of the limit and the attempts and successes and subsequent halting of that disturbance of the thresholds which manage the regular, to value myself and find value, or that others will do it for me. whatever. this is beside the point, today i took lots of random flash photos of people while they did not know, and then at one point began taking photos for people in the program who asked me to do so, while they were moving, getting ready, being a pest i guess. it was funny though. i think some of those photos are good but i won't post them. i feel bad about it but it feels like, not liking any of them, not being able to take the art seriously, i have to like risk myself or something to wound it, or i dunno, make a fool of myself so someone laughs at least.

anyhow, it was good to see people, i felt sort of ugly. i wonder how long it'll be for me to not feel like that. it's not being ground down, so much as an infiltration, it's sudden now, weeks ago even, i would not say i felt so bad, but now i do. or i can check. but i think that even over the hills and valleys of this ordeal i have not reached such a point. it's such that, not a grinding of the surface, nothing is rougher on my surface no it is that infiltration, into me, the ways i lived my life, the things i want and the things i need become impossible to follow, and everything becomes questionable. i submit myself to the economy, i undergo its fluctuations and the fact that it, incapable of even believing in itself, must weaponize itself by some measure, and continue as a mechanism rather than anything else, systematized. i am systematized by work, beyond my body's kinetics, it is the sign i am made to carry by the uni-form. i break the word apart to make its meaning clear, the single shape, of course there is no single shape, it is about making lines slight, divergence invisible, simplifications for the system to work on the assumptions, as it erodes foundations and drives, it erodes my ability, but even still i could have always walked away. i could have quit, stuck my neck out for others. i did not, i can't tell if i'm a coward, or not quitting makes me not a coward. what am i doing, ultimately? unanswerable until it is done. that is the flight, that is my action, that is where i am and always able to locate myself, i am flying always, i have to be mobile, even sleeping, sleeping is the greatest mobility, lispector says in agua viva that sleep is where one disperses, no self to possess, into the void. i am mobile there. this mobility, this location or non-location or the very notion of the non, it does not exist when one works and when one does not work the whole of the world will see this as an issue. evidence of the non, the corpse self possessed, is a crisis. this is why what is taking place in canada, under the guise of greater freedom over one's body, is the management of the non.

infiltration, i must become more opaque. i am tired, my time, my time is dragged around and beaten by the hideous fact that we are all bullied into rubrics and kept there for the eyes of a technology and set of techniques which know that upon the long form impression of the rubric, we will repeat, carry out, do it again. it can become automated.

it sets itself in the assumptions of living. it is the assumption of much of living, now. this is too dire. it is not living. but how am i to say yes in such a state as i am in. i cannot really lay here and relent and sublate to it, as i cannot relent and sublate myself to my wider desires to be touched (complex meaning, but only in the dirty ways (i would like to simply be 'used' (you know it means fucked, so why would i dance around that?) always, this came naturally to me by my history or a future that came years ago that taught me what my body 'was' or made it become. because of this, it's not that i am, but that i am only a cluster of wants, and nothing distinct)). this tension between the fact i cannot accept what has been made to be natural and the soul i am told i ought to have, and that i know i cannot evaporate into the activity of another, and that when in that activity i am sensing myself and, oddly, enjoying that, just as after work there is a lightness, a violence in me. but the eruptions against my time, it is visions of pompeii setting a life in stone and worthless there unmovable. oh, hell, release me.

i ought to write more coherently on a story soon.

anyway it is too freaking late, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[write-feel-live-love]

Welcome to the Happiness Project

So I don't know if you're familiar with Gretchen Rubin, but she has this thing called the Happiness Project. She also has a great podcast called Happier. I highly recommend it.

Anyway, if you want to learn more about her, go for it. I'm writing about my own Happiness Project, based off of hers. The gist of it is that you need to pick a theme per month (some aspect of self-improvement) and then pick mini goals to achieve that lead you closer to that theme.

So here's my first entry:

Month #1: Heal

I learned in therapy recently that I have been depressed for 6 years. Yes, this was news to me. I'm apparently really good at denial. Like.. Pro Level. Even more recently I discovered I've been depressed since I was 12. Again, Pro Level of denial.

I've always been someone to take my labels seriously and when I heard this news, I spiraled for a hot minute. I didn't know how to adjust this new label into my current life: Mother. Wife. Teacher. Where does Pro Level Depression Denier fall?

So I decided maybe it was time to step back and heal. Before I get too deep, you need to know one thing. It's been almost a year since I had my second child and post-partum depression/ anxiety has kicked my ass.

Goal #1: Start a new vitamin to combat the hair loss that my beautiful baby caused. Surprisingly, this one might actually be working. I showered tonight and not nearly as much hair fell out of my head as usual. Still could have been a wig for a small doll, but we're getting there!

Goal #2: Do a session of yoga or walk on the treadmill for 15 minutes every night. This one has also gone surprisingly well. I've only missed one might when depression hit a little harder than normal. But with the support of my fantastic husband, we got back on track the next night. Again, I started this project mid-way through March so this might not actually be THAT impressive, BUT I have 2 children under the age of 5. I think it's a pretty fucking great start.

Goal #3: Continue to work on banishing oil. I'm working my way into a new religious path. Part of which values protection. Right now, I'm working on banishing negativity from my life. Hence, banishing oil. Currently basking in the moon light charging up so I can actually use it in a ritual this week. (P.S.- No judgment please, I'm not here for it.)

Goal #4: Make Spring Break plans! I'm a teacher. I'm a burnt out teacher. Who has two small children I still have to watch over Spring Break because I created them and am responsible for them. Hence, we need to get the fuck out of the house next week or I'm going to go fucking crazy.

Goal #5: Identify the Top 3 things bugging the crap out of me at work (bonus if you can make a plan to work on them). I'll be honest here. I haven't gotten to this one yet. Work is hard right now. State testing is upon us, the kids know Spring Break is coming. Every one is burnt out and checked out. I still have a week left of March. I got time!

Goal #6: Make a list of the things that make me feel sexy. My sex life is in the trash. Post-partum and regular depression have taken my will to bone. I used to be a machine. So, to combat this, I need to find what makes me feel sexy again. So far, and pathetically, clothes have been it. Until I thought about it, and realized that somehow dancing also works. I need to give this some more thought, but yeah. We're getting there.

Last Minute Goal #7: 24 for 24. Also stolen from Gretchen Rubin. As indicated by the disclaimer. This one is last minute. So I don't have an update for this yet. It's coming.

So yeah. If you've read this, thanks. If not, it's all good. This is more for me than for anybody else anyway. I've been told that if you want to be a writer, write. I used to write all the time to express my thoughts and learn how I really feel. (Kind of informs the name of this blog, which I'll explain some day.) So here I am. Writing to figure out who this new person is, if the old me is in here somewhere, and how those two people are going to get along for the rest of my life.

[lolatalks1]

wed, dec 6 2023

this is my first real journal entry, and i dont think dear diary is fitting to start this. i mean its just tumblr. i started this little blog because i need somewhere to vent, and so here i am. that sounds like my pinned post but its whatever. im not sure why im typing like im talking to someone, so i think i should stop explaining myself.

ive heard its good to write out how you feel, so i think im going to do just that. (im explaining myself again)- today was at first a good day, i woke up relatively early and was able to get ready for school quicker than i do normally- which is a win in my book. i was able to lay in my bed- which i need to wash the sheets of. my dog keeps laying where i sleep, which flares up my bad acne. i cant blame him though, i practically leave my side of the bed in a perfect napping position for him. anyways- i was able to lay down and read a little of this cute story about a single mother and a man in the military being her neighbor! very cute, very cute. then my dad took me and derek around eight o' five, then we got to school, and it was super cold outside. having to stand and wait for the doors to open is not enjoyable- at least i had derek -my cousin- with me. recently ive been a little harsher with him, but i thinks its because ive been a bit on edge with everything as of late. i dont mean to ignore- i think i should start working on that. he already has a lot going on.

continuing, i went to class. first period was tame, i mean nothing too much happened. really essentially a free day. aryeana ? im not sure how to spell her name now that i realize it- but she was there talking with jacob about whatever. sometimes i feel a little outcasted when with them- but i guess thats because im not that much of a conversational person when i cant think of a topic that will be enjoyable for all of us. i mean, i like anime and overwatch- and some more things. all those things they either dont like or make fun of- so theres no middle ground for us to converse on. i mean, only thing i can talk about is boys with ary. but its more so talking about aryeana's endless snaps with multiple guys and shes boasting about it- as well as boasting about her not being able to talk to guys. she is really contradictory. i dont hate or get mad at her though, shes nice to me. and cate is there- she kinda helps me relax. shes just a very nice person and since ive known her for so long i dont feel like i have to be super fake with them.

i think- well i know- my day went downhill when my mom finally replied to my messages. i had texted her about going to cam's surprise birthday dinner on sunday night- and she said yes! but then i asked her about saturday, if i can go shopping with her. i needed to go to barnes and noble to get multiple books that several people wanted for christmas, and maybe the mall to get some other things like candles from bath and body works. but anyways- she then revealed shes not going to be here this saturday- more so this entire weekend.... fun.

i just dont understand how she can just go i mean- i know where shes going- hell the whole family does. its nothing new, but the fact its such a repetitive thing and she always did it around familial times (thanksgiving and now christmas). i really dont get, seriously. and ive come to learn that she goes to some town with a new guy each time. what happened to her being with ron? her last boyfriend- i knew of at least. my nana mentioned she didnt like him because how he treated my mom, so im guessing he was abusive or really shitty. i dont care, and i guess thats a bad thing. i see it as karma now. i use to feel bad, want to console her. but ive lost it. lost that empathy.

anyways, she just makes me so- angry. to the point i can't focus on happier aspects of things because shes simply just so intoxicating with her narcissistic behavior. shes so aware that what she does angers and breaks the family, but she cant find it in herself to realize that its bad. how? im not sure. she didnt have a horrible upbringing nor a traumatic event with my dad. so i cant find a genuine reason behind what she does. its whatever, i keep trying to myself i shouldnt care so much. but i cant help it. it affects my home life, makes me i guess more so depressed? i dont want to self diagnose though. but shes the reason behind my upset outlook for today. hell even started playing class of 2013 by mitski- the lyrics hitting a bit too close to home. so yeah. thats all for now i guess, im not sure how journalling works. i guess ill start learning.

[star-of-wishes]

Kinda super long post. TLDR at the end

Idk if I've mentioned this before but if I have, idc, you're listening to it again. Almost exactly 12 months ago I was in probably the worst place mentally and physically, even more than my teens. I won't get into details because that will make this post require a community label and my intention is just to get this stuff of my chest. Even so, now I feel happier, I'm surrounded by people who don't hate me and even though it makes me nervous I can't wait to go to graduation (which is in 11 days btw!) and show people how much better I am now. Not in an arrogant way but in a "getting away from you people turned my whole life around" way. I know the whole point of glow ups isn't for others but for self improvement, but I've always wanted that "be careful who you call ugly in middle school college" glow up.

Just. I imagine myself actually putting in 10% more effort into my appearance, so I look neither like a sleep-deprived zombie nor a cried-myself-to-sleep last-night-zombie. Maybe those who weren't as terrible would talk to me a little. Maybe get a few compliments? They ask about how I'm doing, I ask about their life, I compliment them because a lot of them actually have better fashion sense, and we have nice genuine conversation? ....Does that feel self-obsessed and vain? The other day Dad and I were going somewhere but we were stuck in traffic which gave us plenty of time to have a few "reflecting on life discussions" as he calls it. And he told me that it was nice to not see me in as pathetic of a situation as I was a year ago (that sounds rude without context but he was honestly sweet about it lmao). I had seriously considered dropping out of the bachelor's degree program but if that had happened I would have gone back to that place in Jan 2024 and it would have made an "irreparable dent in my career". And he's right. In addition to all this my shit health affected Mom as well and it was honestly heartbreaking because the last thing I wanted was to drag her also into my crises. Let's just say it wasn't "My year" as people generally hope for on New Year's Eve. TLDR; if you're not in a good place please hang on a little longer I know it feels impossible but it's not and I believe in you. I don't claim to be wise or something because i'm 21 i don't know a lot of stuff still but just my little piece of advice that's all

[matsukawamatt]

28 Sep ‘23

Back home with my little baby :)

I’m happy to see my family and everyone. I’m definitely feeling a bit happier and stuff, but I can’t stop thinking about her still. There must be something wrong with me. The past few nights, even NYC (where I stopped the other night) I’ve had extremely vivid dreams of her and, well, important people in my past life. My dreams last night had her dad in them who I considered, sort of, a friend and in the dream he was angry with me. Aggressive almost. He was basically telling me that I should never come near any of them again and almost that… wow, the more I think of this dream the more it fades? I can’t even accurately say what happened anymore. All I know is that he went from liking me to absolutely despising me. I know it was just a dream, but it still makes me wonder.. I always heard growing up how people hated their in laws but I actually LOVED her parents. Almost as much as I loved being with her hahahaha. Not seriously… but I loved her very much. Anyway, as I said last time in my previous post I’ll remember her in that moment. I cant stop thinking back to the last time I saw her. Being home makes all of this so much harder now.

I need to move on. I’m being annoying and possibly weird. I keep hoping she’ll message me, but I know this won’t happen so as soon as the thought surfaces I try to kill it. I could go on. Every thought I have still I want to share with her. Why is this so hard?? I guess being back home and not stuck on 300 meters of cold iron makes reality just that — reality.

———

Talking about this is making me sad

———

I’m seeing Josiah and the Bonnevilles tomorrow (just Josiah) lmao and also Drew Halcomb and the neighbors. This music has really brought peace to me recently and I found out they were playing up here at home, so I’m gonna go there & hope that I’ll make some friends or something. I think it’ll be a good time. If your reading this I probably dont know who you are or I’m dead or something, maybe years from now, so I’m happy you get to look at my trivial little life years from now. All these problems that are non-issues hahahah. To be fair, they’re real for me so, that’s something?

✌️

[acsnowpinup]

May 18th

3 posts tonight. Two matching lingerie posts and a full and I mean full nude one for those who can’t get enough of me being naked.

if the lingerie shots have a theme it’s “warming up” I had just gotten the outfit and slipped it on and so I’m kinda not there yet. I’m picky about my expressions, but the hubby assured me that these should be shared because “seriously, most folks will be happier about your rocking curves and not worried that you're not as expressive.” He is right more often than not.

the second post in lingerie is all expression. I’m laying with my hair and caressing myself and totally look like I’m having a great time. It’s my semi-pouty “would you play with me” look

Then we get the naughty companion to last night’s bootie shots.

I roll over and show you all of me. And all means all, fans of full frontals will be pleased. And if you even notice my face, I think I nail the sexy looks as well. 😀

of course all you adults who want to see the fullness of my naked body need to make sure you can see stuff behind both “mature” and “sexual themes” community labels. While I think these nudes are kinda tame. Tumblr does not so I just mark them with both because Tumblr will anyway and they will go away while under "label review"

Enjoy! Posts drop at 8EDT

xoxoxo

AC

[mdb2245]

My mental health journey

This will be the first of several posts that I am aiming to create. For me, I hope that it will provide myself with some relief that I’ve put my experiences and thoughts in writing. For others, it may serve as a basis point for trying to move forward with your own life or even just to bring comfort that you’re not alone with your feelings.

So, to start I will give a very brief overview of my current life situation. I’m a male, I live in the UK, 30 years of age, I live with my fiancée and we’ve been together for over 10 years and I have a semi decent paying but stressful job.

Now in relation to mental health, I have never really taken it seriously until a family member went through a particularly traumatic period in their life in the last few years and I saw how quickly a person can change and how it can deeply affect a persons entire life and health both physically and mentally.

A few years after this, I felt myself slowly slipping into a negative and anxious mindset. I was in a job that was becoming more and more toxic as time went on and my happiness was slipping away as my work life began to take over my personal life. Ultimately, after 2 years of intense stress I eventually looked elsewhere and moved to a lower paying job just to escape and to focus on my feelings for once instead of just ‘putting up’ with the stress and toxicity. Cliche but money really isn’t everything, I took a £4,000 pay cut just to try and be happier!

The job change happened quickly and there was less than a week between finishing at the previous job and starting the new one. Around 9 months into the new job, my feelings of intense anxiety and stress seemed to increase significantly. Previously I would only feel this way for particularly stressful tasks and events. However, this time it seemed to be happening for minor things. I became consumed by anxiety, a complete lack of confidence and self esteem. I felt as though I wasn’t good enough and held unrealistic expectations of myself all of the time and was constantly worried about people’s perceptions of me. I didn’t deal with my stress and anxiety from my previous job, I just rolled with it assuming it would just go away in time but I clearly carried it with me.

My stress and anxiety was also dramatically affecting my sleep. I would turn up to work exhausted daily and looked worn out as I was getting around 3hrs tops per night, usually waking up in a state of panic and covered in sweat. To ‘overcome’ this, I foolishly turned to alcohol near enough every night as I told myself that I always sleep better / longer after having a heavy weekend session. So yes, I was drinking every night, it wasn’t unusual for me to consume 6 beers and a bottle of wine on a work night. Sometimes more.

This was never going to end positively as it had then become my ‘normal’ routine. I started to feel intense guilt and that I was a failure to myself, my fiancée and my family.

The drinking to mask my anxiety was getting out of control and I didn’t like the person I was becoming. Snappy, moody, miserable etc. The temporary elation and happiness that daily drinking brought me was beginning to wear thin and I knew that I needed to do something about it. My answer at the time was to stop drinking completely, I kept this up for a few weeks. This was the beginning of me punishing myself. It was all or nothing, anything but sobriety was a failure to me. The same with when I was trying to quit smoking, I struggled in the beginning and would beat myself up about that. I had a family holiday planned in summer 2022 with me, my fiancé, mum and dad.

Holidays are what I live for; but I could not shake the overarching sadness and stress of how I was feeling mentally and I could feel myself getting to an almost meltdown stage. When I had tried to talk things through with my parents in the past, they wanted a direct cause for the anxiety I.e ‘There must be something making you feel like this, you’re just not telling us’, I encountered this response on numerous occasions over the years where I felt myself at real low points and I do get it, they were concerned and wanted to help fix it for me as soon as possible. Due to this, It would usually end in an argument and I’d just shoulder my feelings again until the next meltdown. This time was different however, I literally broke down to them, I guess desperately wanting them to understand me and my feelings. I described it to them in the best way that I could. Mainly that the anxiety isn’t caused just from a particular incident or part of my life which was the thing they struggled to understand. It’s just there. It’s the overthinking to the max, the creation of the worse case scenarios for everything, the fear, the self consciousness, increased sensitivity to everything and zero self esteem. Thankfully they got it and I agreed with them that I needed to do something about it. It felt like a weight had been lifted as previously I felt unable to talk about my feelings fully with my parents as I guess I struggled to articulate it and always got myself in a twist when trying to explain it to them.

It took another low point before I did actually look at local counsellors etc. Leading up to my first appointment I tried to write down as many of my repeat feelings as I could. Looking back, many of the things that I had written down were things that were beyond my control. This was the anxiety and the vicious cycles, fear and the replaying the same thoughts over and over without being able to deal with them. I’ll keep this part short because this isn’t a story where everything was solved after counselling!. I had around 5 sessions in a 2 month period at the end of 2022. I was sceptical at first but I do feel that it has had a benefit for me. Even if it was just a time and a place for me to vent and offload onto someone who understood me my thought processes and feelings. There were some useful CBT techniques which I did incorporate into my life and they did have a positive impact around how I was able to manage certain situations and feelings independently where I struggled before. However, as time went on these did slip away somewhat. Counselling isn’t for everyone but I didn’t want to pursue the route of medication etc, I had also sourced the counsellor myself and was paying privately. I am not opposed to medication but I wasn’t comfortable to go down that route straight away even though I was in a bad place.

I arranged another appointment a few weeks ago as I could feel myself slipping. There always seems to be something that I obsess over in my mind, for example my personal life goal such as starting a family and comparing that goal to my age (30) and worrying that I need to start a family soon as I don’t want to be an old parent. Ridiculous, I know. But that thought then spirals into ‘what if I’m not able to have children’ etc etc. it’s these ‘What If?’ Thoughts that get ingrained in my mind and I can’t shake them whatsoever. I may continue to attend appointments when I feel in real need but I don’t feel that they can take me any further, only to recap what has already been said which admittedly is needed from time to time.

To the present day, my alcohol intake has massively reduced in the last 12 months. The anxiety and dread that I feel after drinking these days is horrendous ‘hangxiety’. I do still go overboard sometimes which really affects my mental health the next day. I also seem to do and say the wrong things after a big drink these days. This didn’t happen when I was younger, it’s even like I know something negative will happen each time.

I have wondered whether there’s something else going on too such as Autism, ADHD, OCD. I dunno, I don’t want to open a can of worms either!

So to conclude this first post, my ability to manage my anxiety has improved in the last 12 months. I still have very low feelings occasionally, alcohol is a really big negative factor for me, reducing this is essential for your physical and mental health.

Sorry about the Grammar, I’m writing this half asleep. If anyone wants to chat about their feelings / experiences then please don’t hesitate to get in touch.

All the best,

Matt

[coffinofconfections]

TW; ED (binge, past ana), weight loss, fasting, weight loss goals, venting about body image, starting a diet

I'm about 70lbs overweight from where I want to be. And I feel so upset with my body. I got top surgery, so now I just want the rest of me to look good.

I feel so ugly with the way my body holds fat. I can't even look in the mirror today. When I did this morning, I got so stressed I considered taking an Ativan because the overload was coming. I can't really cry when I need to, or properly express emotions, so I just immediately go into overload mode as soon as the swelling feeling starts, and I break down because I don't know how to properly, or in a healthy way, express whatever is happening in me.

I started intermittent fasting again. 16-8, which is sixteen hours fasting with an eight hour eating window. I finally threw out the ice cream I bought last night because it was making me really sick anyway for some reason, so one less thing to help with food choices during this.

I also found some old pictures of myself from when I was eighteen and in my early twenties, and I was perfect, even though I struggled to really see how thin I was then. Besides the chest I hated, thankfully those are gone now, I had a mostly flat tummy. I looked so good and wore a size small and medium. I just... didn't have this big neck and I didn't struggle to find clothes that I actually like in my size. Right now, shopping for clothes online is depressing and almost no one makes attractive or cool clothes for fat people like me. So I just need to finally control myself, and I'll be happier.

People will probably pay more attention to my artwork and writing then too. I've seen people who are thin and very attractive get so much attention, and while they put a ton of work in to get where they are as artists, I just feel like if I was skinny and attractive too I'd stand a better chance at success.

When I was thinner, I had dates and I wasn't alone. Now, no one wants to date me in the seven years I've tried. I lost the only thing I had going for me when it comes to dating.

So, goals:

Go from ~220lbs to 150lbs.

Stop binge eating because this binge ED just makes everything else worse, and no one seems to take it seriously anyway when I ask for help. Many people didn't take me seriously when I was anorexic years ago, and a couple doctors even encouraged my weight loss, so none of it matters. I looked at my psych records from then and my psychiatrist marked that my weight looked good and healthy, and I looked fine, so nothing I said even mattered to her. She didn't even note anything about the ED or my chronic stomach illness. So fuck it.

Fit into smaller sizes because all the clothes I wish I could wear are for skinny people.

Feel more confident because of weight loss. I hide myself behind baggy clothes now, but at least if I was thin, the baggy clothes would look cute instead of... not. All the oversized fashions are made for skinny people anyway, and it stings to see skinny people wearing fat people clothes like they're a cute fashion statement with the way they hang off their body. It just feels a little 'in your face' to me.

NOTE: If you're triggered heavily by EDs of any kind, please block keywords. I will be using the tags: tw; weight loss, diet, intermittent fasting, and stuff related so please blacklist those if you can't see that stuff. I always post trigger warnings at the top of posts as well.