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cokoweee · 8 hours ago

Note

It’s midnight which means it’s HALLOWEEN!

It's very spooky bc I’m bad at writing

Missing people brought with it a certain kind of ache.

An ache that spreads and lingers. An ache that screams something should be there. An ache that grows when he knows they won’t come back.

Nothing physical had been taken from him, he knew that. His fingers were missing, sure, but they were easily replaced. He had lost far more important things. Things he would never be able to replace. His body burned as if all his limbs had been ripped from his body. As if his body had taken it upon itself to manifest their absence.

What a curious and powerful thing love was. The idea that you can love someone so much that their absence takes pieces of you.

He didn’t like thinking about that too much. Didn’t like mulling over that day to come up with a way he could have prevented this whole mess. The idea that if he had done something differently, he wouldn’t be alone right now.

And yet, here he was.

In all honesty, he’d expected screaming, wailing, the gnashing of teeth; the whole bit. He’d expected anything other than this- this nothingness.

The silence of his misery was jarring.

Nothing but him and his thoughts.

There was no reason for him to put on a spectacle if there was no one to see it. Nothing but the walls of his empty house and the coding of a mechanical friend.

Better for those thoughts to rot in his chest than messy the air anyway.

He set his bō down on the shelf softly. There was no use for it anymore. Why he’d even held onto it for the last few weeks was a mystery to him.

His eyes burned as blinked away his sleeplessness.

The music only worked so well.

He ran his fingers over the cool metal. It had been two months. Four weeks since his oldest brother took his final breath, and fifty nine days since he had lost his twin.

But who was counting?

He inhaled deeply as he turned away from the shelf. His hand wandered to his wrist, he ran his hand over the worn fabric sitting there. Just as quickly as he had placed his hand, he yanked it away. He didn’t need to wear the fabric down anymore. It was the last he had of them.

The sink was dripping loudly in the bathroom a few feet away. It was a constant rhythmic noise. If he just turned the bolt a smidge it would stop.

There was no one to be useful for anymore. Anything he did was just a distraction from the issue at hand. Better to just let it stay the way it was.

His feet stayed planted on the floor.

Taking a few wobbly steps to the bathroom he closed the door. He needed to be out of the sight of anything his brothers had touched. The masks were the only exception. He couldn’t let the last of his brothers collect dust on the shelf.

They had each gotten their own bathroom after Shredder. He’d liked it that way a few months ago.

His head thunked against the wall as he sank to the floor, tile burning ice cold against his skin. It was nice, bringing him a little closer to reality. He was stuck in nothing more than a dim haze. Just enough to take away the sharp edge of reality, but not quite enough to dull his pain.

He closed his eyes leaning against the wall as he took a deep breath.

He needed to stop thinking so much. Running circles through his head was doing him no good. Maybe shutting his eyes for a moment would help him get back on track. Then he could work on making sure Shelldon couldn’t leave him too.

He jolted, his eyes snapping open, an odd sound filling his ears.

The sink was still dripping.

Louder this time.

He didn’t move to fix it, instead pressing himself further against the wall. Sighing, he turned his gaze to the peeling wallpaper in front of him. Tiny flowers were fading from the landscape, their vibrant colors were long gone, age wearing their liveliness away.

It smelled weird. Like old people and musty books.

The wallpaper was hideous, and practically falling off the wall. He needed to replace it. It was actually a wonder Leo hadn’t commented on it. How it had even managed to stay up so long was a mystery to him.

Blinking blearily, he reached out to peel the wall covering. He peeled a strip off the wall, reveling in the sound it made as he tore it away. He reached forward again, only to be interrupted by an agitating, grating voice.

“Hey!” Leo shouted, his voice echoing against the small bathroom walls. “Drax ‘ll probably throw you off a roof or something if you mess with his stuff.”

He frowned, his gaze still focused on the wallpaper in front of him. “It’s ugly.”

Warm hands pulled his arm back as he continued to rip the design from the wall.

He waved the hands away half heartedly, he didn’t want to deal with his twin right now. All he wanted was to go back to bed. But alas, the wallpaper was a more pressing issue than his sleep schedule at the moment.

He shuddered as his hand passed through a solid mixture of warm air before returning to normal temperature. Almost like someone had taken a bag of gelatin and formed it into a person.

There, but not quite.

The dripping from the sink grew louder as he turned around.

“Leo?”His voice came out pleading, tone shaking with audible stress. He hated it. Hated sounding pathetic and small.

Leo stood in front of him, blood pouring from his carapace and pooling against the floor.

“No. No. No. No.” He waved his hands around, attempting to brush off his brother as he turned his gaze away. “ This isn’t right.”

Leo gave a smile and waved. His carapace made a grounding noise as he moved, filling the small room with a horrid creaking noise. It almost drowned out the dripping. Almost. Blood dripped faster down his side as he smiled wider, moving to sit on the sink counter.

Leo opened his mouth to say something. He watched in horror as blood poured from his mouth and dripped lethargically onto the floor. It was almost rhythmic. Almost in time with his breathing. Leo didn’t get to get a sound out before Don let out a yelp.

“You’re- this isn’t real.”He backed against the wall, the rough edges of ripped wallpaper rubbing against his bare shell.

Leo’s voice broke through the insistent dripping as he gave another winning smile. “Uh, pretty sure I’m real.”

The dripping grew louder and louder, in tandem with his rapid heart beat. He watched the constant drip from his brother coat the floor, echoing along the walls until it was the only thing he could hear.

He turned his face to the wall. “Go away.”

“I’m trying to help.”

“Go away.” He repeated, a little louder.

The dripping filled his head as he focused on the wallpaper.

He breathed in and out.

Maybe if he tapped his markings, they’d stop glowing, just like his nightlight. He patted his arm twice. He groaned as the glow seemed to burn brighter almost immediately.

He yanked his hand away from his arm and focused on his breathing. Only for it to be interrupted as something hit the back of his head.

He ignored it.

Another shampoo bottle turned projectile hit the back of his head, this time much harder.

“Stop.”

“No can do hermano.” He could practically hear the grin on his twin’s face. “Get up. Then maybe I’ll stop.”

“M’ not moving.”

Something clattered behind him as Leo presumably jumped off the counter to look for more things to throw at him.

“I. Am. Trying. To. Help. You.” Leo said slowly, articulating each word, his voice a little strained. “I mean seriously dude? Four in one body wash? You clearly need my help.”

“It’s cost effective.” He grumbled. “You're not doing a great job with the whole helping thing. So you can go ahead and go now.” He covered his ears as the dripping burned into his mind.

Leo grabbed his arm again. “Why won’t you let me help?”

He shoved the arm away, shuddering as his hand touched the semi-solid of his twin. “Because you’re not helping! Have you ever thought about that?”

“Don- I”

“No! I don’t want to hear it. Did you think at all? What’s it like for me to have you here again? But I can’t keep you. You leave. Again and again and again you leave. How am I supposed to get over this if you’re still here but still so far away?” He stopped, tearing more at the wallpaper until the tearing was louder than the dripping.

Leo was blessedly silent.

“I love you. Do you know how hard that is? To have to deal with all this- this not you?” He waved his arm wildly, gesturing to the torn wallpaper and dim blue light illuminating the small bathroom.

“I didn’t think abo-”

“Of course you didn’t! Because this isn’t about you! It’s about me! The one you left behind. I wouldn’t have thought that after killing yourself for me that you’d still be so self centered! And despite it all, you’re acting like nothing happened Leo! Well news flash! Something happened!” He spun around, glaring at the glowing form of his twin. “You died Leo. You left me here.”

There’s a silence in the room, broken only by the constant drip of the sink. Something in his head is ringing, and it’s growing every second.

“I’m sor-”

“You threw away your life to save mine, but now you aren’t even letting me live it.” He whispered, taking his hands off of his ears to run them over his arms. “Stop trying to play the hero. You failed at that when you died.”

Leo responded, equally quiet. “I can’t leave you like this.”

“Why?” He rasped “ I’m doing just great.” He waved his hand around the room wildly. “Can’t you see? I’m doing great!” He repeated, laughing as the wall paper peeled away from the drywall. “Just great.”

Leo frowned, blood dripping faster down his face as he watched his twin. The blood trailed down his body and onto the floor, costing the tile in sticky red warmth. It puddled around his body, just like it had when Don had left him alone on the concrete two months ago.

He laughed harder as the thick blood poured nearer to him. Running to the toilet he jumped to the tub so it couldn’t touch him.

“How is this helping me?” He screeched. “What do you think this is doing for me?Just leave me alone.”

Leo frowned. “I’m not sorry for loving you.” He stood up slowly. “Why won’t you just love me too?”

There was a tense moment of silence before he disappeared into the air. Blue sparks stained the air where he had stood moments before. His heart wrenched as the light only made it to his nose.

He was taller than his twin.

He took a deep breath, trying to calm his shaky body. He’s both too light and too heavy. His soul feels like it’s floating above him, watching his flesh body move while he stays far away.

He sat in the tub for a moment. A bath would be nice right now. If he wasn’t so tired. He stared into the mirror on the wall, and jumped. Shadows curled around him, wrapping against his arms and snaking along the tub. He froze, sparing a beat to look down, only to see that there was nothing there.

“Just you.” Something whispered from inside the walls, a giggle barely contained in its voice.

“Just me.” He repeated.

How cruel that felt right now.

The shadow form nodded eagerly, slinking its arm around his shoulder. It whispered something in his ear too mumbled to be understood. Just general phonics and a prickle of amusement.

“I tried everything to keep them with me. I'm only so smart.” He said desperately. “ I’m wondering if I was ever smart to begin with. They’re not here because of my failure.”

The shadow snickered as he fumbled over his words.

That’s right.

It's all your fault.

What a monster

Such a bad brother

He took a step off the toilet, gasping as his foot was drenched in warmth. How had he forgotten about the blood coating the floor?

Steeling his teeth, he jumped off his perch and landed on the ground. He needed to get out of here.

His feet flew from beneath him as he slipped in the bloody mess of the floor.

His hoodie quickly soaked through as he lay stunned for a moment. Scrambling to get up, his hands fumbled against the slick floor. His face splashed in the puddle, his mouth filling with a hot metallic flavor.

He shoved the blood away from his body, forcing it to the corners of the room. His body shivered in discomfort as the blood coated him in warmth.

The masks.

He ran to the sink, not caring anymore that he was coated in blood. He needed the masks clean. He couldn’t lose those too.

Water rushed over his hands, but the blood didn’t run clean. It had only been a few minutes. How had they dried already?

He frantically rubbed them under the stream of water waiting for blue or orange to peek through the mess.

They never did.

He sank to the ground, clutching them to his chest as if that would make them whole again. The door opened quietly revealing the old goat. He’d forgotten today was grocery day.

Draxum stared for a moment before grabbing his arm and hoisting him up.

“Go put some dry clothes on. I’ll forgive the fact that you’ve managed to flood the bathroom and tore down the wallpaper if you will go to sleep, boy.”

His frenzied eyes searched the room. Why wasn’t Draxum horrified? The bathroom was covered with the remains of his brother.

“Ah.” Draxum said softly. “Let’s get out of here and get cleaned up and we can talk, yeah?”

He nodded, dazed, and let himself be led from the room.

The blood had stained his skin. No amount of scrubbing had faded the red on his hands. It coated everything he touched, leaving prints of memories he could have made with his twin.

Now all he has is what could have been.

Draxum was busy in the corner brewing tea. The kettle screamed through the silence. It hurt his ears, but he forced himself to focus on it. Better than listening to the insistent drip of the sink.

Drax said he’d fixed it. But it was all he heard. Louder even than his own thoughts.

“Sheldon?”

A small automatic voice immediately quipped “Yes?”

“Run a perception check. Please.”

There was a quiet hum as Sheldon scanned the room. “Just you and Drax!” He said brightly.

He hummed softly, nodding against the dining table. “Kay.”

“Boy there is nothing you could have done to prevent that day from going any differently.”

“But there is!” He groaned. “I’ve run through my head so many times. If I had just moved a little faster, built my shield a little faster Mikey and I could have stayed up there to help. We wouldn’t have needed to open the portal because Leo would have never left.”

“But the day is done. No use mulling over it now. You can’t change the past. But you can change the present and the future.”

“Don’t go all therapy on me. I could have saved them and I didn’t because I’m not good enough.”

Draxum hummed thoughtfully. “Greif is the price we pay for love. You feel this way because your heart is full of love. I don’t see an issue with that at all.” He passed a mug of tea to him. “You’re trying to push away your grief because it’s weighing you down. But it’s a way of hanging onto the love you had for them. It’ll never go away. Find a way to make it manageable.”

“I don’t have a way to do that.” He mumbled, stirring the tea with a small spoon.

“That's why I said find something boy.” He deadpanned. “Grief is love without a place to go. Find something, or someone, to give that love to.”

He sat silently for a moment. There was no one he had anymore to give any love to. Maybe sometime he’d find someone. But right now?

It was just him.

“I don’t think I can.” He mumbled quietly.

The old goat let him sit for a moment, probably waiting for him to come to the sudden revelation that he could! He could find a way to move on from this! What a stupid idea.

“When was the last time you went for a swim?” Draxum asked suddenly.

“It’s been a while…”

“ When you swim do you hold your breath?” He asked, face carefully blank.

“I exhale as I swim.” He said slowly.

Draxum raised an eyebrow. “Why.”

“So I don’t suffocate.” He paused. “Can’t take in more air if your lungs are already full. ”

“Exactly. And how long do you take to breathe?”

“Maybe half a second. Just enough time to get my head up for air and then I’m back under.”

“You are holding your breath And it is suffocating you. You need to find another way to deal with this.”

“I’m doing fine-”

“Let me finish boy. Find a way to exhale. It’s not going to be comfortable, but you can’t go on like this. You need to find a way to place that love somewhere else. Find someone to give you that breath of air, if only for a second.”

He nodded slowly. He wasn’t going to do it of course, but if he nodded the goat would leave.

“Can I go to bed now?”

Draxum nodded “I’ll take you to your room.”

He groaned and threw a pillow over his head. Rain pounded against the window, but a quiet drip from the kitchen was filling the room. Somehow, it managed to triumph over the storm raging outside.

It was getting annoying.

He got out of bed slowly and shuffled to the kitchen, wrench in hand. The kitchen was empty. Just him and the god forsaken sink. He twisted the pipe slightly, just enough to stop the drip of water, and headed to the fridge.

Kendra had made muffins earlier, pumpkin chocolate chip. She wouldn’t notice if he took one right?

“Watcha got there?” She said, voice still thick with sleep, annoyment creeping through nonetheless.

“A smoothie.” He answered immediately.

“Put it back.” She knocked her head against his side. “Why’re you awake?”

He pointed wordlessly to the sink.

She nodded. “I’m going back to bed. Your muffin is in the cupboard over there.”

He frowned. “Not with the rest?”

“I know you don’t like ‘em cold so I left yours out.”

His face stretched into a grin.

Something funny bubbled in his chest. Something he hadn’t felt in a long time. He smiled a little wider. Kendra had done that for him. Without prompting, just her own observation of his habits.

He scooped her up into his arms, giving a tight squeeze. “Thank you.”

“Mhm.” She patted his head absently. “G’night.”

He watched her give a tired smile, a funny feeling in his chest. For years he’d spent each day convincing himself that he was unlovable. That he was a monster incapable of feeling. Because if he couldn’t feel, and he couldn’t love, there was nothing to lose.

But he had lost himself. Because as it turns out, you can’t push that sort of stuff down. People came into his life, unpredictable and wild. No longer could he push away his feelings, not when they were right in front of him. Tangible and breathing.

The safety she brought was irreplaceable. The peace in her presence. Her quiet attentiveness. The surrender it brought from him.

He took a bite of the muffin. There was a sense of awe in the fact that she had seen all of him. The broken fragmented pieces of his soul, his inner cacophony and yet, she was still there.He wanted it all. The pointless bickering, dancing in the rain, the jokes, the fights. He wanted her love. He wanted all of her.

He’d always heard the idea that love would take his breath away. But that didn’t feel quite right. She didn’t take anything from him. She reminded him how to breathe when he had forgotten how.

What a curious thing love was. That it could cause him to break off pieces of himself to give to her, and feel shameful that it wasn’t all of him.

He took a deep breath, turning the muffin over in his hand as tears pricked in his eyes.

“They can not be that bad.”

He shook his head. His mouth opened, but no words came out.

She opened her arms in invitation and he welcomed them gladly. She sat down, forcing him to follow. His head was placed in her lap as she began to braid his hair.

She didn’t say a word, just a few quiet yawns as she worked. Tears fell faster as she turned on a playlist to battle the silence of the night. She wiped them away without a word, as if it were a normal daily occurrence.

He wanted to be here. He wanted to live for something other than a heavy obligation to continue his family’s legacy.

“I don’t wanna leave.” He said, voice a bit raspy.

“M’ not goin anywhere.”

“I know.”

He smiled.

Loving her felt as natural as breathing.

doin a lil jig to distract you from my writing skills 💃

-writing anon

still reeling from the vengeance saga

This is me reading this: CAUSE GODDAMN I LOVE YOUR WORDS U GOOFY LIL PEANUT SMUGGLER