#anyways back to studying bluh

[psyoniks]

Okay this has been eating at me while I've been studying. Is the Blade's and Magic academy a high-school, or a college setting?

Neil and Max were in the same year together, assuming Max is in the highest year if we're going by standard four year high-school, so they'd be around the same age. Neil seems a little older than maybe 17-18 imo, but maybe its just because he has a stable job or smth idk. Lasitc has a job too, but maybe its more situational than age-based in this universe. Iirc Rylan was too young to get a job to help out their grandmother, but Rachel was old enough.

So that means Neil is definitely older than Lastic then since Max and Neil were in the same year? This is pretty flimsy logic but I don't have a lot to worth with here. Actually, let me explain how I think classes work out of the way, since it's possible Lastic could be the same age instead of being younger by a large amount.

I actually don't think the classes are necessarily separated by age, like a traditional high-school. Since Rylan and Lastic share a class, unless Rachel is older than the both of them. Or maybe the Blades and Strikers just have shared classes and there wasn't enough for a separate class. It might be technically possible that someone in the same age is in a higher class based on skill level? This is where I'm questioning if the academy is more like a college, in the sense lots of different ages share classes rather than separated by age. Lastic scored the highest ever in the entrance test, I can't remember her exact number but she blew up the fountain. So if it was based off skill, she would still be a trainee, since her amount of magic doesn't equal skill. I don't actually know if its confirmed Blades and Strikers have magic, but I think it only really matters for the entrance exam.

All we know is Rylan is definitely the youngest and he honestly seems around 15-16 imo but this is just all speculation. As long as anyone passes the magic scaling test and has 100 coins, its possible that some younger students could enter if the academy was more of a college setting. I wish we got canon ages or a little more information/lore on the school/what the characters were taught, since I just find it the most interesting.

[lichfucker]

wowowowowowowowow I had a gr8 day of interviews today and I’ve got more tomorrow but I’m slightly less excited abt those (except the ghosts class that one is gonna be fucking awesome if the prof decides I’m qualified to take his advanced-level anthropology course) but more importantly I had a really really good meeting w fred today and we worked out all of my credits crises so now I’m all set to sign up for whatever the fuck classes I want and not worry abt distribution

[bsdndprplplld]

8 V 2022

I am on my way home from a math conference, the first one in which I participated actively – I prepaired the talk about the Borsuk-Ulam theorem

my lecture was centered around the connection between the classic "continuous" BUT and its combinatorial analog: Tucker's lemma

I wanted to talk about this because I was amazed at how cool and "versatile" this theorem is. there is a whole book about its applications and generalizations, which is btw very well-written, I highly encourage everyone to read it:

my presentation went well, although after practicing it for about a week the topic seemed really fucking boring to me, no wonder

other than that I have another recommendation to make. do you also hate how messy multivariable calculus is? I do. calculations and technical definitions everywhere, and at the end everything comes down to calculating the determinant of some jacobian. bluh. I stumbled upon a book that describes everything from a sort of algebraic perspective, smells a little bit like category theory too. very clean, very satisfying to read:

I have been studying covering spaces recently and I can give some dope motivation for learning about the structure induced by the covering mapping:

I will never forget that the homomorphism induced by the covering projection is injective

that would be it for my mathemathical life. my personal life, which is still closely connected to math, brings me some psychological progress. I no longer get stuck in loops of "oh I'm so bad at math. maybe I'm not? I got a good grade from X. ah but I got a shit grade afterwards". it might be because I didn't fall on my face for a while now, only decent grades, good ideas, a good presentation, this is correct. but I also do not negotiate with myself that this is supposed to be proof that I'm good enough, I just stopped paying attention to these and focused on math instead. and paradoxically when I stopped caring about being good at math I was rewarded with getting better at math???

a coincidence,

a pleasant one, nonetheless.

anyway I will have to take a fall at some point, unavoidable. and it will be the final test of my progress, becauase I used to get very elevated in my sense of self-worth after receiving a single good grade among trash ones and now I'm just ok. not the god, just ok. but back then, at some point I would no longer be god, I would get smacked in the face by some "proof that I'm actually trash" and that would be a fall from a significant altitude. so I'm hoping that the fall will also be less painful now

I think the biggest change I made was giving up, I abandoned all hope. nooow here is the moment when people interrupt me with "nooo that's horrible don't give up you're a great person you just have to notice that"

fuck off you don't understand shit

I'm doing better now precisely because I stopped hoping that one day I'll stop feeling worthless, that one day something great will happen that will prove once and for all that I'm meant for something great. I can't stand this anymore, I am disgusted by the fact that deep down I still believe that I'm supposed to be the best and that I can't enjoy anything unless I am winning. I want to puke when I'm reminded that everything I do serves the purpose of winning the negotiations I have with myself about what my actual value is

my self-hatred runs much deeper now than ever before and I have no more patience for self-victimization, no more room for "allowing myself to feel". fuck off, all I feel is rage. I want to be able to do things without the prospect of a reward, my goal is to enjoy things, not the sense of being good at doing things

so that's what I'm doing, I made peace with the fact that I will probably never feel good about myself and that I have no chance at achieving the greatness I crave. and I must say I started respecting myself more, turns out I am actually able to do things without the promise of being the best at them, the vision of bringing value to the world motivates me. and fuck the western culture with its oh you must love yourself you are a great person. no, you don't have to do that and you have no way of knowing what kind of person you are, nobody has ever defined it in a strict formal sense, people just use this phrase to trigger the feel-good in others

I am aware that all of this sounds really bad, but I don't care, it works. and my math will be better like that because now that I stopped crying over being trash I have more time to study

I just hope that the fall won't be as painful

[ressyfaerie]

I would love love love to see something along the lines of a Tyka mer au?? Especially if Kai is the merman!! I do love them ever so. Any age rating/idea I am so down for, pretty please!! 🥺🙏❤

Keep up with the great Tyka content it makes my day!

I know who you are and you always give me the best fic inspiration! I read your Tyka mer comics and I am INSPIRED. This might be longer than expected! But here I gooooo

So now that I finished it, I’ll be putting it in a readmore since it’s VERY LONG!!

It’s very rare that I write in first person! But this story definitely called for it, and I AM COMPLETELY IN LOVE. You’re going to want to ask for more, I can already tell.

So here it is:

When I was young, I was saved by a merman.

I remember how the cold seeped into my veins. My head was pounding from the force of hitting the water.

I was too young to know how to swim.

I couldn’t move even if I wanted to.

My body was numb, I descended into the dark blue sea, I saw the light glimmer from the surface, and felt water invade my lungs.

That’s when I saw him.

A flash of blue and milky skin. I felt the smooth scales wrap around my body. I saw his face, clear as day. His purple eyes, silver hair, and blue face markings. His face looked panicked, bubbles erupted from his mouth forming inaudible words. His face turned blurry, and my vision grew dark.

I woke up on the beach. No one believed me when I told them. Just a child’s fantasy gone overboard.

I always wondered how I made it back to shore without knowing how to swim, or how I missed all the rocks.

Someone must have saved me.

The more I visited the beach and saw no sign of a blue finned merman my belief started to dwindle.

Growing up I drew pictures, I even based my imaginary friend off my hero.

In my teens, my best friend Max reminded me of him.

“Tyson! I was just telling my friend about that mer-boy that saved you when you were a kid!”

I laughed it off, “it was a fairytale, Max. Nothing more.”

Years before, Kenny and Hilary sat with me on the beach one day after training.

“Could he still be out there?”

I cleaned my surfboard, looking off into the mysterious ocean.

Hilary passed me a bottle of wax for my board, “you know, I read at least eighty percent of the ocean remains undiscovered.”

Kenny looked up from his laptop, “every mermaid sighting has been proved fake. I still think what you saw was due to a lack of oxygen.”

I gave him an angry look, I didn’t mean to.

“Uh… but miracles have happened.” Kenny tried to reassure me.

I knew the truth.

Mermaids and mermen weren’t real.

After my Mom died, and my Dad left with my brother to explore the world, I had two things, my Grandpa, and my imagination.

Thinking of that boy was my playground. I’d bring sandwiches to the beach, and pretend to talk to him.

I made friends. And became a surfing champion. With my success my imagination drifted away.

I guess I really wasn’t ready for what came next huh?

“Tyson!”

Hilary and Kenny made their way towards my desk, I slammed my textbook closed, I was done with studying anyways.

“There’s a carnival in town! It’s close to your house, you want to come with us tonight?” Her eyes were bright.

I felt a pat on my shoulder, I looked to my right, Max’s blonde hair caught my eye.

“Carnival? Count me in!”

“I’m going too…” Kenny mentioned awkwardly, “Tyson?”

I rolled my eyes, carnivals were for kids. Besides I was planning on catching some waves tonight, but the weather was supposed to be really calm. I guess I could spare the time.

“Alright, sounds like a plan.”

I was right. Carnivals were for kids.

Doesn’t mean it wasn’t fun though.

We rode ride after ride. Kenny had to sit on a bench after he got sick, Hilary rubbed his back.

“Looks like it’s just you and me, partner!” Max slapped my back, “let's get some more snacks!”

Max pulled me towards another booth. I love food, but after a dozen different snacks, and a dozen different rides, I had to admit, I wasn’t feeling too well.

Max handed me a candy apple, I took a bite and felt my stomach turn.

“Bluh,” my lip turned in disgust.

“Wanna take a break from the rides?”

I nodded.

We lost Kenny and Hilary ages ago. Walking through the parts of the carnival with fewer people, we came across a mirror maze.

“Tyson, let’s go in!”

“Sounds fun!”

It was no surprise when I lost Max right away.

I could hear his excited giggles and him shouting my name, I tried to go in his direction, but eventually his voice faded out, and I found my way to the exit.

“Max!” I shouted into the maze, but there was no reply back.

He might have gotten out already…

I walked through the carnival looking for my blonde haired friend. No luck. There was a fortune teller, I made a mental note, Hilary would have liked to go back there.

Then something caught my eye.

ANASTASIA’S HOUSE OF WONDERS

It looked like a cardboard standee, with dark tents behind it. It couldn’t have been that big. I saw some people leave out the exit. There was someone in front of it. They were dressed in a creepy joker costume.

“Hey man,” I got his attention.

“Do you dare enter the house of wonders!”

“Uh, maybe? Is it cool? Like… what’s in there?”

“Things that will make your blood boil—”

“Things?”

“And creatures unknown to this world!—”

“Creatures!?”

“And above all—”

“Oooo what else!?”

“Look kid.” The grey haired joker lowered his arms and sighed, “can you just let me finish my speech?”

“Oh, yeah sorry.”

“I’m Bryan the sharpshooting joker! For only a few bucks—find yourself immersed in a new world!—”

“Okay,” I raised my hand, “that’s enough.”

“Oh thank god” Bryan’s voice dropped a few octaves.

The guy seemed kinda chill, so I leveled with him.

“So dude, is it actually worth my time in there?”

Bryan nodded, “yeah, it’s actually really cool.”

“Alright, sign me up.” I handed him a couple bills.

“Enjoy.” He counted the money.

Before I left I looked under his costume hat, “wait, don’t I know you?”

“Maybe?” He grumbled, accidentally revealing his true persona.

“Yeah! You were in the last surfing championship! You’re that crazy intense guy Bryan! What the heck are you doing here?”

“Uh, sidegig.” He lowered his mask, “have fun in there, kid.”

“Okay…”

I brushed off the awkward encounter and turned to the entrance. It was covered in two extravagant curtains. I pushed the fabric to the side and walked into the darkness.

Wait, is this a haunted house? Damn I shouldn’t have gone without Max!

The first thing I noticed was there was a lack of… people. Tesla coils and odd gimmicks littered the floor of the first hallway. I rolled my eyes, remembering carnivals were for kids.

The next room was bigger than expected, it was a dome with a button in the middle. I pressed it, who could resist a big red button after all?

Suddenly a snow storm picked up. I covered my face, “ah!”

It stopped before I could figure it out, I stared at the sleeve of my red jacket, where snowflakes started melting.

“Alright, that was definitely real snow! I’ll admit I have no idea how you did that one!”

I shouted to no one, but it still helped my nerves.

I—couldn’t figure out where the exit was.

I walked to the edge of the dome, it looked like a carnival tent, I tapped the edge, it rang back with a metallic sound.

“Uh.” I grew worried, “an exit would be nice?!”

I heard a sound from the other side of the room, and some fabric fell from nowhere, revealing another dark room, “thank you!”

Cautiously I made my way to the dark room.

I wish I hadn’t.

Inside were weird animals in green jars.

“Oof, these can’t be real.”

I tapped one, the baby bird inside moved.

“I assure you, they are all real.”

I turned to the corner. A.. man? He had a raven masquerade mask, and when Tyson locked eyes with him, he screamed and revealed massive black wings from his back.

“What the!?—”

I fell backwards, falling on my rear.

The bird boy made his way towards me.

“What are you?!”

“I’m Ian, the birdman.” He sounded tired.

“And in there,” he pointed to the next room with a black talon, “you’ll find my wolf friend.”

“You’re what!?”

I sat up, “naw, I’m done with this place. Your costumes are a bit too real for me.”

He shrugged, “that’s what they all say.” he sat on a crate with a loud thud, “enjoy the rest of the tour.”

I went to the next room because that guy was freaking me out. I really wanted to head back the way I came, but I couldn’t seem to find it.

Also, that guy seemed kind of familiar.

The next room felt colder than the rest. My heart raced when I saw a cage.

“Uh, hello? This haunted house is getting a little weird…”

I heard the clanking of chains, and a flash of red. On the floor of the cage was a boy, a bit older than myself.

“Are you okay?” I asked knowing it was an actor.

I heard a deep growl, and he lifted himself off the floor. I gasped when I saw his face.

A white wolf with a red mane bared his teeth at me.

I took a step back.

I felt the room grow cold, as the wolf tensed and growled.

It lunged forward and snapped it’s jaw, it hit the bars of the cage with a strength that boy shouldn’t possess, I turned and ran.

I ran through a wall tearing down fabric sprinting through tents.

It was dark, I couldn't see anything and didn’t know where I was going.

“Ah!” My foot got caught on a stone and I fell forward.

“How is this place so big! It did not look like this from the outside!”

In front of me was a curtain, it just barely touched the floor, I could see light shining from under it.

If I can’t find my way out… I might as well head for the light.

I lifted the curtain up and shielded my eyes from the bright white light.

In front of me I could just make out the wheels of a traveling train car. The front of it wasn’t metal, it was glass. Bright fluorescent lights hung over it. There was a sign next to me, I rubbed my eyes and could just make out the writing.

Newest exhibit! A rarity of its kind! Stay back, he splashes.

“What?”

Then I saw it.

The flash of blue, silver, and purple.

A merman threw himself against the glass repeatedly, tossing his fists against it. His wrists were in chains, and his constant assault against the glass only amounted to hollow thumps echoing through the tent.

I felt my body freeze.

It was the merman from my childhood.

Is this real?

I slowly made my way to the sealed aquarium.

The boy must have seen me enter the ring of light, because he stopped, he started floating, and stared at me.

“Hello?”

The merman didn’t move, he simply floated in place, I could see his chest move up and down.

“Do you recognize me?”

I made my way to the glass, getting a good look at the boy for the first time.

I placed my hand on the glass. I saw how red his wrists were from the chains.

He put his hand against the glass, only a thin separation between us. I smiled, and looked into his purple eyes.

I think he smiled at me. He opened his mouth slightly and a few bubbles popped out. I chuckled, and he looked back at me.

I stared up at the top of the tank, the lid was thick glass. A massive padlock kept it down. He saw me look at it, and he shook his head frantically.

I nodded, and placed my head against the glass, “you’re not supposed to be here.”

I jumped and hit the lock with my hand gauging how tough it was.

The merman waved his hand and mouthed words shaking his head.

“I’m gonna get you out of here!”

I looked around the room for a tool to use to break the lock. The only thing I could find was the sign I had seen previously.

I grabbed it, and tossed it to the ground, ripping it off its base.

The merman kept throwing his fist against the tank to get my attention, I ignored him knowing I had to help him.

I climbed the edge of the train cart so I was standing on top of the glass looking down at the silver haired boy. He floated on his back and kept banging on the glass with both hands.

It seemed like he was mouthing the words ‘get out get out!’

I used the stick tool I had made and bashed the lock, making loud sounds through the room. I kept doing it, but it didn’t budge.

The merman was banging on the glass mouthing the same words.

“I’m trying!”

I jumped down, knowing I would have to find a different tool, but I bashed it again in frustration.

The merman was frantically pointing now.

“What? What is it?” I watched his lips.

‘Behind you!’

I felt someone grab my shoulder, before I could scream they grasped my shirt and yanked me to the floor, dragging me away.

“Hey! You’re not supposed to touch people in a haunted house!”

I kicked and screamed while watching my merman frantically swim in circles and hit the glass with his tail. He was trying to get to me, but I knew it wasn’t going to work.

The man threw me into another room. I couldn’t see anything in the dark, I was tossed on a chair and sat up. He turned on a light with a click, and an old fluorescent bulb hung from the ceiling. I blinked a few times trying to find my way in the new surroundings.

A silhouette of a man sat on the opposite end of a table.

“You think you can try to take one of my treasures?”

“He is not yours!”

“Months ago I captured him. He’s rightfully mine.”

“Who do you think you are?!” I screamed at him, knowing full well this full grown man could cause me serious harm.

“He’s a rarity, I won’t let him fall into the hands of some snot nosed teenager with a superiority complex.”

I spat, “do you own this crazy place?”

“I do.”

“Don’t think I didn’t recognize your workers. I surfed with most of them in last year's competition.”

The man simply laughed, I finally got to make out some of his facial features. He was an older man.

“And why does the world champion desire my merman?”

“I don’t desire him, he needs to be free!”

“Ha!” The man’s voice bellowed.

I frantically searched for answers, for a way out—for the both of us.

“I’ll buy him from you!”

“Like you could afford him.”

“If I win the next competition—”

“You won’t.”

I grinned smugly, “you don’t know that.”

“You won by luck, my team is far superior.”

“Your team of monsters? Isn’t that cheating?”

“And you think being a descendant of a storm dragon is fair?”

“I’m a—what?”

The man shook his head.

“I know who you are, Tyson.”

“You gonna tell me who you are?”

The man chuckled in response to my anger, making me even more furious.

“The name is Boris. I take care of these boys—”

“By imprisoning them? Leave my merman alone!”

“Excuse me? Yours? Did you not just meet this creature?”

“Let’s say I’m feeling friendly.” I crossed my arms.

“He seemed to react to your presence, what did you do?”

I panicked, “how long were you watching for!?”

“Long enough. I’ve had him here for a few months, yet I can’t seem to break him.”

“Break him?” I was in disbelief, my childhood hero was not some horse at a stable!

“Yes, perhaps you could help—”

“No.” I grimaced.

Boris tapped his fist on the table, “well, it seems we are at an impasse.”

“You’ll never have my help.”

“I think I can live without it.” He stood up, he was much taller than me. “Please leave my circus, and don’t come back.”

“I’m not leaving without the merman.” I stood my ground.

“That’s a shame.”

I felt something heavy hit my temple—

I woke up on a grassy hill. I rubbed my head.

When I managed to sit up I overlooked the carnival from across a field. The lights were all out. It had to have been late for it to be completely closed.

Boris…

Now that I knew my merman was real, and that he was captured by such an evil man I had to find a way to get him back.

I’ll steal him. I’ll figure something out…

You better watch your back Boris.

I stared in the direction I thought my blue finned saviour would be in.

Hold on, I’m coming for you.

[mallowstep]

Leopard AU where Primrosepaw lives.

Leopardstar searches for ways to get Primrose's claws back. She even asks Barley about Bloodclan's fox fang and dog teeth laws shortly after she gives birth. (On her way to the Moonstone, with a warrior with her. She never goes again with her father.) She asks her ancestors. Asks them by giving up two of her lives so Primrose and Feather can be whole again. Begs them.

ohhhhhh this is interesting okay.

cw: referenced sexual assault

okay so -- god i love this. to be clear, she wouldn't get her wish. mostly because -- bluh. everything is symbolism.

i hope like. when i say that, y'all get it?

anyway. kljdjfk;laj first of all -- god dysfunction between leopardstar and mudfur.

i think they'd both have trouble even going to the moonstone at first.

and i think. leopardstar would go alone. i don't think she'd take anyone with her.

and the thing is -- i'm not sure. god okay we gotta get prim a warrior name now. damn. bc this is misty au adjacent and i don't want to cause headaches for myself, we're keeping storm as stormheart, but -- fwiw i have. a lot of. when i do the primrosepaw lives au (which...don't expect it soon, it's in the very early stages of an au, i only even mention it bc it's directly relevant), but when i do that -- i have plans for all three of their names. not specific plans, but.

anyway for now...picking something that works...leopardstar names her...primrosestream? no wait that's way too many letters fuck. primrosefur? that's -- fine. it works. she deserves primroseheart she does but. trying to keep my brain together.

anyway i don't think either primrosefur or feathertail would want this from leopardstar. uh. for one, it wouldn't work. declawing a cat requires removing bones. there's -- it's nothing. but i don't think like. leopardstar isn't really thinking about that. she's trying to make up for what she's done.

so anyway, neither of them want that. but --

(Leopardstar leaves alone. It is a long walk to the Moonstone, and it is one she makes in silence. She tries not to think of the kits she left behind to come.

When the Moon rises, she enters Mothermouth. Leopardstar has only been here twice: once as an apprentice, and again as a leader.

Are you -- praying? Tigerstar asked. He laughed. I don't know why you bother. StarClan doesn't take prayers from cats like you.

But she has to try.)

and i think. mistyfoot or stonefur follow her.

(Stonefur is there when she wakes. He studies her, sitting, and says nothing for a moment. Leopardstar licks at her chest, not meeting his eyes.

"Do you want to go back?"

She looks up. His eyes are blessedly blue.

"I failed them," she says. "They wouldn't -- fix it."

Stonefur's ears twitch. "I thought you'd come here," he continues. "But -- no one came with me. I can't promise I wasn't followed, but I doubt it."

"I couldn't even give a single life for them."

He steps closer, hesitant. "We'll bring the kits. You don't have to come back."

Leopardstar stands, feeling more exhausted then when she arrived. She takes another step towards him, and then she is close enough to lean her head against his.

"I'll come back," she says. It's the least she can do.)

hm. yes. very upsetting. very good.

and i don't know What mudfur and leopardstar's relationship becomes, but -- i doubt she ever is alone with him again. something that hurts them both.

[unfortunate-stranger-losers]

Six Baudelaires AU, Part One {AO3} {Read from the Beginning}

Chapter Twenty-One → in which the House Falls

“Lilac, Klaus, for fuck’s sake, we can’t understand you.” Nick said.

“Bluh-bluh.” Lilac reprimanded.

They’d taken a taxi back to Josephine’s house just as a storm began, and as they entered, Violet said, “Klaus, hand me Sunny, we’ll taking a baking soda bath to cure our hives. You and Lilac get started on whatever you’re doing with the note.”

“Bluh.” Klaus nodded.

He and Lilac split off, and Violet said, “Okay, Nick, I know you’ve never done this before-”

“I hate this.”

“You’ve mentioned.”

“Tell Lilac that if she does this to us again, I’m gonna kill her.”

“Would you rather be in the restaurant with Olaf?”

“That’s not the point.”

Violet and Nick couldn’t find any baking soda in the house, but they still gave their little sisters a regular bath and doused themselves in water, and after changing clothes, they ran to the Library, where Lilac and Klaus sat around a table. Aunt Josephine’s note was pinned under a large book entitled Advanced Apostrophe Use, and Lilac had another grammar book open on her lap. Klaus had two open around him, as he pulled out a pen and took notes.

“How’re your tongues?” Violet asked, placing Sunny down onto a chair. Nick put Solitude next to her, and Soli quickly pulled Babbitt out of her pocket and started petting them a little.

“Getting better.” Lilac said, still lisping slightly. “Klauth thinks he hath something.”

“We’re bluhdying grammar.” Klaus said, still a bit more swollen than Lilac.

“Why are you studying grammar at a time like this?” Violet asked.

“Bluchcause Josephine left us a message in bluh note.” Klaus said.

“We’ve been counthing the grammathical mithtatkes.” Lilac said.

She flinched slightly, as raindrops blew in through the broken window, sprinkling the books and table. Klaus hastily wiped his glasses, and he said, “The first sentence has bluh wrong ‘its’, we’ve bluhstablished this.”

“Yeah.” Nick said.

“I think that was bluh get our bluhtention.” Klaus said. He took a pen, circling the apostrophe. “She’d never make a bluhstake without reason.”

“I guess.” Violet said.

“Looth at the seconth senthance.” Lilac said. “My hearth is as cold as Ike.”

“But Aunt Josephine said she hoped Ike was someplace warm and sunny.” Violet said, remembering.

“It’s possible she meant ‘cold as ice.’” Klaus circled the k in Ike. “And she says she found her life inbearable, not unbearable.” He circled the i.

“If you keep going down the litht,” Lilac continued, as Klaus kept circling, “You get theveral errors. How many did we counth, Klauth?”

“Eleven misplaced letters.” Klaus said. “Ten if we don’t count bluh apostrophe.”

“So what do all these mistakes mean?” Violet said.

“It’s substitution, isn’t it?” Nick said, figuring it out. “The k is supposed to be a c, so c is the first letter.”

Klaus nodded, writing a C at the bottom of the page. He wrote out the other letters, spelling out two words.

Curled Cave.

“Veek?” Sunny called. “What?”

“Curdled Cave.” Klaus repeated. “Aunt Josephine knew she was making grammatical errors, and she knew we’d spot them. She was leaving us a message, telling us where she was.”

“Curthleth Cathe ith part of Lathe Lathrymose.” Lilac said. “But we need to find Aunt Josephine’s Athlas of the Lathe.”

“Should be in the safe.” Violet said.

Nick and Klaus ran over first, unlocking and flinging open the safe, digging through the books until they found an Atlas of Lake Lachrymose. Klaus flipped to the index until he found what page it was on, and then Nick said, “It’s directly across from Damocles Dock, west of the Lavender Lighthouse.”

“The Fickle Ferry will take us.” Klaus said, tracing a dotted line. “Goes right to the Lavender Lighthouse, we can walk bluh there.”

“Walk in the rain?” Nick said.

“We don’t have any choice.” Violet said. “If Josephine is still alive, Captain Sham can’t get us.”

“She can tell Mr Poe that he’s really Count Olaf, he might believe her.” Lilac said, her lisp finally slipping away.

“We need to go-” Violet began.

Solitude suddenly let out a screech, and pointed out the window, before using her free hand to grab Sunny’s arm, Babbitt leaping into her pocket. Her siblings turned to realize what she was showing them; the house had started to sway in the wind.

“We have to get out of here.” Lilac said.

“But-” Nick began.

“Now!” Lilac shouted, and as she did, the house swayed underneath their feet, and they all fell.

Lilac screamed, managing to reach out and grab Klaus as he toppled, almost falling out the window. Nick crashed into the table, letting out a cry of pain as he was pummelled by Josephine’s books, falling out of the shelves and safe as the house shook. He managed to grip onto one- The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations- as it hit him, and Violet only barely managed to shift herself across the floor to hit the wall instead of the open window. She let out a shout of pain as she hit her injured shoulder, only resting a second before putting her hands on the floor, trying to hoist herself up.

Just as she did, they heard another crash of thunder, and Violet leapt forwards, gripping onto a map attached to the wall just as the room swayed in the wind, the floor turning into a slope. Lilac grabbed tight onto Klaus and managed to reach a bookshelf, grabbing onto it and flinching as more books fell and flew out the window, a few hitting her and Klaus as they passed. Soli and Sunny were gripping for dear life onto the chair, which was starting to drop towards the window. The table Nick sat behind started to fall, too, so he ran, trying to get away from the storm outside, ignoring the wind blowing at him. He almost managed to get to the door before another book hit him, and he fell to the ground, letting out a gasp as he landed hard on his arm, starting to slide towards the window.

The house stopped rocking a moment, setting itself back upright, and Lilac and Klaus scrambled to their feet, running to their youngest sisters. Lilac grabbed tightly onto Solitude, and Klaus grabbed Sunny, and they ran for the door, trying to get out of the shaking library. Lilac turned slightly, as if to get her the siblings, but as Solitude screamed in her arms, she knew she couldn’t endanger the toddler further.

“Come on, let’s go!” Lilac shouted. “Violet, Nick, move!”

“We’re coming, God!” Nick shouted, trying to get to his feet. Violet was stumbling towards him to help him up, but just as Lilac and Klaus reached the relative safety of the hallway, thunder boomed, the house shook again, and Violet and Nick fell.

Lilac let out a horrified scream as her siblings slid towards the window. Violet grabbed onto Nick’s arm, using her free hand to grip the edge of a carpet that was starting to flip in the wind. And just as the room dropped, turning almost completely sideways and only barely holding on to the cliff, one end of the carpet managed to stick to the floor, and so Violet and Nick dangled precariously outside of the broken window, only barely holding on.

“Nick, do not fucking let go!” Violet shouted.

“Was not planning to!” Nick screamed. He let out a gasp as the book slipped from his hand, and he reached to grab for it; his hands grabbed some of the pages, and the book ripped, the spine splitting apart and papers scattering in the wind. One paper- a small photo- fluttered up, and Nick managed to grab onto it just as the wind blew the room back. Violet used every ounce of her strength to hold onto her brother’s hand, and she managed to swing him slightly enough that the two of them fell onto the floor.

“Violet! Nick!” Klaus shouted, looking ready to pass out.

Violet grabbed Nick’s arm, yanking him to his feet and dragging him towards the hall. He stuffed the photo into his pocket just as Violet pushed him in front of her, and he stumbled and toppled right into Lilac and Klaus. Violet fell, too, and all six siblings were on the cold, hard floor for a moment, breathing shakily and trying to process what was happening.

Klaus got up first, still gripping tight onto Sunny, and Nick pulled Violet up as Lilac made sure Solitude was alright, and Solitude made sure that Babbitt was still alive and in her pocket. Then Klaus pushed his siblings, and they started running; Lilac moved herself to the back of the group, so she could keep an eye on all of her siblings as they rushed away, racing for the door, for the safety of the cliff that was not held up by stilts that were about to crack and crumble and break.

Violet pushed Klaus out of the door first, and then Nick, and then the oldest sisters made their way out, and they stopped just outside the house, shutting their eyes and catching their breath. Then they turned and watched as Aunt Josephine’s house, behind them, fell and crashed into the lake below.

They stared for a very long time, and then Lilac let out a choked sob and threw her arms around her siblings, pulling them close and shouting, “Holy shit!”

“Li! Let go, we’re fine!” Violet shouted, though she didn’t pull away.

“Is anybody hurt?” Lilac asked.

Nick pushed himself out of the group hug, saying, “I’m fine! Vi, are you okay? You hit your shoulder.”

“I’m fine! Li, let go!”

“I’m okay.” Klaus said. “Sunny?”

“Raef.” Sunny shuddered. “Scared, but alright.”

“Soli?” Nick asked. “Soli, hey, you alright?”

“Ye.” Solitude nodded. “Babbitt?” They heard a small chirp from her pocket. “Yay!”

“Lilac?” Klaus asked. “How’re you?”

“You all could have died!” Lilac said.

“But we didn’t!” Violet finally managed to get away from her sister. “We’re all okay!”

“All our shit’s gone, though.” Klaus said. “Not that we’re not used to that.”

“The clothes we got from Poe sucked anyway.” Nick said, as Solitude reached her arms out towards him, and he took her from Lilac, holding her close.

“I still have the spyglass.” Klaus said, looking relieved as he checked his pocket. “Vi, Li, you have your ribbons?”

“I lost the atlas.” Lilac said.

“That’s alright, I remember the way.” Nick said. He paused, and then said, “I… I found something. In that book.”

He reached into his pocket, pulling out the photo and shifting his back so that he was shielding it slightly from the wind and droplets of water. His siblings crowded around him, with Lilac lifting her arm to provide further protection from the weather.

In the photo, a group of either late teenagers or young adults were crowded in front of a building, looking like they were having fun together. They could see what seemed to be a young Aunt Josephine holding hands with a man, pointing towards the sign of a lumbermill and laughing at some joke. But that wasn’t what drew their interest.

What drew their interest was their parents, sitting on the ground and smiling at the camera.

[khemi]

Here’s The Catch

@ghostecutioner asked:  you know what i want khemi. you know what to give me

As my Yours Sincerely update is still in developmental hell, I will appease you with some other Dirkjohn content and hope it pleases you. John’s POV, no actual Dirk but a lot of talking about him, and a lot of Crockerbert bonding!

Send me 413 Drabble Requests!

Here’s how this goes.

It’s 4:13am.

Dirk Strider just proposed to you over snap chat and didn’t even give you the full ten seconds to process it.

Jane is beating down your door because you told her you were up for early morning hijinks to welcome in your joint birthday but then got derailed by some asshole proposing to you.

It’s dawning on you that you got distracted half way through dressing so are wearing a backwards shirt and half a pair of pants in this moment of deep internal crisis.

Here’s the catch.

Jane’s phone is the phone in your hand, because your hijinks were going to involve fucking with her contact list and sending Roxy some snap chats of dogs with tag lines about them being the superior pet.

You just got to see Dirk warming up to propose to you.

Dirk’s going to propose to you.

What the ever loving actual fuck do you do with this information???

You start by chucking the phone the other side of the room, then sitting down and staring at the forlorn empty half of your pants, a perfect reflection of the current do you ever feel like a plastic bag aesthetic of your soul. Jane’s knocking has ceased, which is a bad sign given it probably heralds an escalation in hostilities, so for the moment you’re alone with your pals Sir Emotional Repression and Mister Denial.

Dirk still has plenty of time to change his mind. He’s all about ridiculous, over the top shit sure! But this is too much. Right? Probably. Possibly. Fuck it’s not, is it, he could really do this, and then you’d have to think about a real answer, and think about how you feel about him, and the only thing feelings have ever brought you is a headache, misery, and a weird breakdown involving a lot of impassioned ironing and also Nic Cage was there?

This is not how your birthday was meant to go.

“John!” Jane hisses it through the door, and you can tell from her tone that she is now wearing her Serious Business Moustache, which means your shit is fucked worse than your love life. “I have a blowtorch, and you have three seconds to open this door. Do you hear me, John? It’s happening, the time is now, I am coming in one way or another, buster! Three. Two!”

You lurch off the bed and scramble the lock open just as you hear the puff and hiss of the blow torch coming to life, and Jane smiles at you in satisfaction before her gaze drops and her mouth pulls into an off-balance slant.

“John,” she whispers, “that isn’t how you pants.”

Right. Step one is to absolutely make sure she doesn’t find out you looked at her phone and saw Dirk’s snap chat.

“Dirk’s going to propose to me?”

You have failed step one.

Her face rapidly cycles through confusion, surprise, realisation, murder, weighing up the efforts of hiding your body, attempted murder instead, and then eventually just the kind of narrow eyed silent anger that would have you shitting your pants if you’d managed to get enough of them on to shit in.

“Did you look through my messages?” She jabs the blow torch at you, and you dodge the flame with a stifled yelp, swatting at it to try and signal maybe she could turn it the fuck off. “You did! You swine. How many did you look at? Did you say anything? John Egbert, I swear to high heavens-”

“I didn’t say anything! It was one snap chat.”

“Snapchat,” she repeats, flatly.

“Yeah, a snap chat.”

“Snapchat.”

“Snap chat.”

“John I can hear that space, it’s like nails on a chalkboard.”

“Chalk board.”

The blow torch is thrust towards your face and you stagger hastily out of range.

“Alright! Alright. Jeez. But- it really was just that message, okay? And I figured he’d send you something embarrassing, and I was right! It was just also the worst.”

“The worst.” Jane repeats it with the exact same whine, frowning at you. “John, how long has Dirk been your boyfriend?”

“...A few years? Uh.” You count in your head, eyes scanning upwards with each number. “Six years.”

“And how long have you lived together?”

“...Four years.” You frown. “That doesn’t mean we’re instantly marriage central, Jane! Marriage is this whole big... thing. It’s a thing! And maybe I like our relationship without any things thinging it up.”

“So what are you going to do? Dirk fully intends to ask and if you’re going to say no I want you to think carefully about how you do it so you don’t hurt him any more than you have to.”

Ugh.

“I didn’t say I’m going to say no.”

“It certainly sounded like that’s what you said.”

“No, I just... I just don’t know how I feel, okay? And I was really hoping to not have to think about it, like, ever.”

“Ah yes.” Jane rolls her eyes so hard it’s audible. “The patented John Egbert method of shoving everything in a bottle until it’s time to make it a Molotov cocktail.”

“Cock-”

“Don’t test me.”

You do not test her, mounting a full retreat to the bed instead so you can finally get your damn pants on right. This is a serious situation! It calls for at least two legs panted. Maybe more! “Jane what if Dirk’s like... say yes or we’re through! I can’t deal with that stuff.”

“Are you kidding? He already has thirty backup plans involving how to make you think it was a joke if you say no. I managed to make him scale back the plan with the horse, but I’m still pretty sure that’s what he’s going for.” She starts scouring your person for her phone, and you gesture across the room, gaining a harumph one she realises you threw it. “If you see Dave around, my only suggestion is to start running, they have a whole script planned and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone who wasn’t studying the mating rituals of the orange-plumed tragic rapper.”

“So if I say no he’ll just back out and we can totally forget about it?”

“John,” she turns on you, gesturing accusingly with the thankfully extinguished blow torch. “Don’t you dare.”

“But things are fine the way they are! If saying no keeps it all the same, then-”

“Is that really going to be your only reason? John if you say no now he’ll never ask again, so make sure you mean it.”

Well that’s an easy answer! You want things to stay how they are, and they’ll stay that way if you turn him down, and then you never have to be married ever and that’ll be fine because it’s not like you even want to marry Dirk or anything and it’s not like your gut is twisting in a really weird way when you think about him never asking again and about never having a wedding or anything and about...

Oh no.

“Oh no.”

Jane is smiling at you. “There it is.”

“Oh no.”

“Hm?” She slides her phone into her pocket. “Whatever is the matter, John?”

“Ooooh noooo...” You cover your face and slouch backwards across the bed, groaning as you let your body go limp there in protest. “Jane what if I do want to marry Dirk?”

“Then... you say yes.”

“Ooooooooooh noooooooooooo!”

“John.” The bed dips as she sits beside you, and you’re expecting comfort right until she smothers you with a pillow and leaves you flailing to get free. You use the same offending cushion to bap her shoulder, and she snorts, flicking your head. “John! Calm down.”

“Jane what if I want to marry Dirk? What if I want some stupid wedding where Dave raps a best man speech and we cut a cake that probably explodes because you baked it to fuck with me? What do I do?”

“That sounds ghastly. How terrible. I can’t imagine your suffering at the thought of a life of matrimony with the person you’re in love with.”

“Don’t say that!”

“Don’t say what?”

“The L-thing.”

“God I’d make a lesbian joke but it’d be a bit on the nose.” She folds her arms under her chest, puffing her cheeks up just the same. “Why can’t I say it?”

“Remember the bit where I put my emotions in a bottle and let them age until they disappear? I’m still doing that.”

“John.”

“Jane it has never failed me yet and if I don’t pop those bottles it never will. I am a rock solid well adjusted individual. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.”

“I don’t have to be a detective to see it’s a load of baloney. You’re acting like a child about this, you know that, right? You don’t have to say yes! You don’t. But your only reason being bluh bluh actual feelings is shit.”

“But- But. Bluh bluh actual feelings!”

“John even you aren’t this bad! Come on. I know you’re nervous! I know. But... you need to be an adult about this, alright? This is important.” Jane gets a hand on your shoulder and suddenly it’s serious, and your attempts to crawl under a rock have been thwarted by the iron grip of the house hold law. “It’s alright to not know what you’re going to say, or exactly how you feel, but one way or another Dirk is going to ask you and that’s not something you can make disappear without consequences, one way or another.”

You sit and stare into nothing, brain ticking over slowly. There’s a life where every thing stays the same, except for Dirk being crushed for a while. That’s fine! That’s good. That option is there.

The other option is... change, sure, and one that feels big even though it might not be? Which is yikes for a lot of reasons, but it’s not a totally bad yikes, it’s shivers down your back and tingles in the tips of your fingers, and a feeling like if you miss this chance it won’t fit into a bottle as well as you want it to.

It’s just a party and some words. It’s nothing you didn’t want anyway, is it?

Or is it?

“Ugh.” You press your face into Jane’s shoulder. “What do I do?”

“I can’t tell you that, John.”

“What would you do?”

“Ask what I was doing dating Dirk and climb out a window to find my girlfriend, probably?” She gently pats the back of your head. “John, this is on you, chum. You have to figure it out.”

“But it’s hard.”

“So is rigging an entire house to flood with shaving foam, but you managed that just fine.”

You laugh, small and muffled, and settle back into examining your mental scales. Okay. Pros and cons just get muddled with anxieties and stupid shit, and trying to imagine both paths results in exaggerating the possible outcomes until your choice some how destroys the whole universe. The only solid lesson you learn is that your brain sucks, so you push it aside and look down to more solid organs instead.

You regret that thought as soon as it turns up, wrinkling your face and backtracking north until you hit your chest, jeez.

And that’s it. You know. You know what you want, but you’re scared of it going wrong like so many other things have, scared of losing one of the things that makes each day worth facing.

“I want to marry Dirk.” It’s not a question, but it is groaned. “How do I do this?”

“Well, you could try waiting until he asks, then looking surprised and saying yes, Dirk! That might work.”

You shove her. “You’re an ass.”

“You’re a jerk.”

“You’re a bigger jerk!”

“Come over here and say that!”

Her arm’s around you and her knuckles are scrubbing at your hair before you can dodge, you hands patting and pushing at her arms and face. She’s like, twelve! She’s a brat and she sucks!

You’re laughing, and you hate it.

Jane turns the headlock into a hug with surprising each, pulling you close and rubbing your back fondly.

“I’m happy for you, or I will be once you actually go through with it.” Jane’s smile is audible in her voice. “You be good to him, John. You don’t want to know what Roxy and I will do to you if you screw up.”

“Think you could beat Dave to it? You didn’t see him the time I made Dirk think I’d thrown his tiny pony out by accident.”

“You’re a monster.” Jane pulls back, shaking her head at you. “I don’t know what he sees in you.”

“Me either! But... I guess it must be something pretty okay if he wants to officially get stuck with me forever.”

She pulls out her phone, and you glance over at it, pursing your lips in contemplation.

“You know, what if I proposed to him first?”

“John.”

“I could do it out of the blue! Really catch him off guard.”

“John...”

“I could use a snap chat and-”

“I heard that space!”

Jane grabs the pillow as you launch yourself for the other one, ready to strike up a defence. She’s laughing, you’re laughing, and any chance of stealth pranking has gone right out the window, but it’s fine.

It’s okay.

You have something big to look forward to later, and it’s going to be worth the wait.

[crenandos]

GUYS SORRY FOR COMPLAINING A LOT LATELY IVE JUST BEEN DOING NOT GOOD

im just gonna..whine a little bit more

I’m really having a hard time recognizing the person I’ve become because like? I’m still me... but I have been incredibly depressed, more so than I’ve been my whole life and I don’t feel myself in that regard and it’s taken me by surprise just how bad I’ve become

I’m not suicidal but idk how to describe it it’s like I’m desperately searching for a way out yet that isn’t on the table for me, I’m just stuck in this loop not knowing what to do with myself

All this has really made me unsure of my identity as well which is really strange, of course I’ve always had a hard time with that but it’s become more of a struggle 

I just feel incredibly useless and a let down to everyone. It’s hard because I didn’t even see myself living this long like? how did I make it to 19 when I didn’t even expect to hit 16. I haven’t prepared myself for any of this and I’m just so incredibly lost. I know what to do but I’m not mentally ready for any of it. I thought I could handle college but shit keeps going down hill and I stand to be suspended this semester and I can try to get the school to do otherwise but I don’t even know if my reasons are even good enough. I’m just so afraid that it’s not my mental illnesses that are holding me back, but if I really am just lazy, unmotivated, and stupid. What if I’m just making excuses for everything I fail to do. I’ve never been the child to look at for high grades so it’s not like it’s expected of me to get straight A’s, but there’s something different about actually, legitimately failing everything that hits me. But I also wonder just how far I can go if I get myself under control. It’s hard to imagine it because I’ve been struggling with anxiety my entire life and depression since middle school (that’s when my grades when from high to practically straight C’s). 

If I actually do get suspended, that puts even more pressure on me too. Without financial aid I’m boned because I don’t have a job. Hell, I don’t even have my license even though it’s been a year since I’ve had my permit. Getting both really soon is pretty much expected of me and I feel like a failure because I still haven’t. All of these things are seen as an easy task when for me it’s been hard. I secretly fear that my family doesn’t understand it and feel like I’m not trying hard enough. Which I agree, but I just can’t get myself to try even harder. Mental illness isn’t even a thing in my family so I kind of feel even more broken because I’m the first to be fucked up. And it doesn’t help that I’m also like the single person in my family that’s gay so it’s like I’m double the mess really. I’m just afraid that I really am a disappointment.

I just kind of feel that there’s no aspect of my life that I’m really doing right. I’ve managed to be overweight the majority of my life and somehow I can’t even get that fixed. I just feel that’s a reason I’m looked down on even more. I don’t even have any outstanding skills I’m just kind of bad at everything. Though my art has been improving I feel I should be a lot more skilled than I’ve gotten in the past 6 or 7 years since I started. It’s a habit to draw but I always just feel bad doing so even if I am proud of things I’ve done, I still notice it isn’t good enough. I don’t feel good enough for anyone and have been really lonely in my love life as well? like? every person that I’ve dated hasn’t really given me the time of day and I’ve never really felt wanted. All I’m really good at is being sexual. I have no idea who could even love a mess like me really.

Anyway I was on those anti depressants for awhile and I think they helped slightly buuut since my doctor thinks I might be bipolar and the meds don’t help that I’ve been stopped completely. I need to go to another psychologist they suggested that I need to call but?? I can’t?? because I have anxiety about phone calls?? so I’ve been doing more stuff around the house to hopefully get on my mom’s good side about her calling for me, and to schedule a sleep study I’ve needed for damn near a year because surprise surprise I can’t call because of anxiety. She can’t see why it’s such a big deal for me bluh

I’m just hoping all of this getting settled will fix everything. The therapist I’ve been seeing thinks part of my problem has been that I just cannot sleep. My sleeping is incredibly fucked and basically when I am sleeping I’m not actually getting what I need. So, I’m exhausted almost constantly, get migraines, and am very very emotionally vulnerable. Of course on top of that I have insomnia, fun fun. I also really need this sleep study to help me with that migraine issue. I need to get fitted for a cpap so I can get enough oxygen when I sleep and HOPEFULLY not get migraines. This will also help me actually do things like go to school and get a job because having to wake up early usually results in migraines. I’m taking bp meds to suppress them a bit but it only goes so far. Basically, I rarely get migraines currently because I rarely do anything strenuous and can sleep as long and as often as I like. But back in high school I’d get them nearly every day. I have tried a ton of take as needed meds but nothing has really worked consistently.

ANYWAY IT WAS GOOD TO GET THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM A BIT 

I’M REAL SHITTY AND IM SORRY IF ANYONE ACTUALLY READ THIS ENTIRE THING 

[flyingcookierambles]

a ramble about my class scheduling issues bluh

so basically im a very very indecisive slow person. a ramble about college class scheduling and a hole that i dug myself into and then out of. somehow.

 my academic advisor at my college gave me some advice to take this intro to programming class so i could use databases and stuff bc i told her i want to do lab work. now, the problem is that this class was at the same time as my japanese class, which is a language that im super interested about learning (cuz im a weeb and brought light novels that i cant read to try an support the authors after reading the fan translations i just wanna get my moneys worth lol my family has friends in jpn and id just like to read their facebook posts lol). 

i asked my friends about it and my one friend, an accounting major, said that she will be taking the class too. my other friend, also an accounting major, said that she previously took it and that the teacher was really nice and knew what she was doing but wasn’t that good at explaining things. given my previous high school experience learning java (which this college class will teach), where my class was basically a bunch of dudes and i was this like shy freshman girl who didnt really know anyone + the teacher was an unhelpful and rude dudebro, i was like, hey ill take a well meaning nice female teacher any day.

at this point, i was also talking to my friends and other japanese class classmates about this problem, that i would have to give up the class i wanted. now, my advisor used to work at another nearby college that is highly regarded as a school for basically geniuses + it also had a japanese language class. and many more. because it is like 100% cooler than my school and also bigger.   

but anyways, my teacher said that she would ask her former coworkers about who teaches the japanese class so i could go there and take an assessment test and maybe cross register. so i was like cool and so i went and it turns out that of course the other college for basically geniuses had a different more vigorous curriculum so i wasnt like super good at the assessment. 

anyways i ended up like totally embarrassing myself in front of this dude. i could read some things + there was some furigana but i knew most of the kanji that came up in the sample text that the teacher of the other school had me read, but my class really didnt focus much on katakana so i looked like an idiot when trying to sound out the word festival. the teacher did tell me tho that my learning was strange (knowing kanji/previously took chinese for ~5 years, but didnt know the words to drive a car or katakana) so i was maybe between what their version of beginner 1 and beginner 2 was. now, i wasn’t exactly expecting to pass this test when i came in to his office but i was just really disappointed in myself i guess and embarrassed and stuff?

plus the big problem was that i kinda told most of my friends about this assessment meeting, including the teacher of my school’s intermediate class that i would have to give up. logically i would just tell them that i simply didnt pass and would have to give up the class to take the programming class. however, the programming class was full. all 40 seats. so i decided to hold onto my class schedule position in the language class but then i realized oh wait i told people about the programming class too...

so it’d be like awkward to show up to the language class when the school year starts and everyone is just like hey i thought you went to that programming class. and id be like it was full because i didnt immediately drop this class when i should have back in april because im an indecisive person.

i just kinda sat on it for the past three months of summer, hoping that when the school year starts i can just email the teacher and ask if she’s accepting one more person. honestly tho the seat limit is probs more about the amount of computers in the library computer lab but it wont hurt to try right? but also then it was july (now august) and i was like super hesitant to email this teacher because its summer and its been like three months since school ended. 

so i kinda resigned myself to my fate of having to go to school in late august and being like “yoooo im here bc im an idiot with 0 confidence to sign up for things.”

but then

yesterday i decided to just check the school site for the schedules and classes this upcoming year and i saw that the seat availability had gone from 40/40 to 39/40. i quickly signed up. im so glad now i dont have to look like an idiot when i go back! still kinda like totally bummed that i have to give up learning intermediate japanese tho. i want my $25 moneys worth of the books i brought lol

but also i guess its like totally a miracle that this happened. i guess someone decided to leave after hearing the teacher wasn’t good at explaining or that the class is a bit hard (ah i really volunteered for more suffering than usual huh).

i also wonder if i can take intermediate chinese twice since the people in the chinese beginner class were so interested that they decided to make intermediate chinese a thing againnn! basically during freshman year first semester i took intermediate chinese bc i took chinese in high school for 4 years. it was p fun and my older classmates were nice. altho the class empathized speaking more than in my high school class + the teacher was from taiwan and used traditional characters + my older classmates apparently went to taiwan during the summer together with the other chinese teacher. so it was a bit hard to compete with them. but my classmate said i was p good with recognizing hanzi so thats like the only thing im good at i guess lol. i still kinda want to improve my speaking altho honestly the 4 tones are kinda hard when youre like literally kinda deaf. (curse you genetics. curse you cochlea.) i feel tho that like having classmates this time that i 1) actually know 2) are actually my age and not college seniors 3) also are working on their tones bc they just got into chinese too would be i guess a bit more encouraging. also, its mai-laoshi! shes seems like super nice. the other teacher was actually from another school and i feel like she didnt like me as much since i couldnt speak very well.

hmm but like..really..taking the same class twice..i wonder if such a thing is ok?

not only that but also even if i do join the chinese class i would basically be learning the same thing over again (altho also i kinda forget it so maybe ill be on the same level as my classmates lol). but then like if next semester i dont have the same time conflicts then i would have to choose between taking intermediate chinese part 2 or intermediate japanese part 2 (the intermediate teacher said that if i self study to keep up with my classmates she’d let me in next semester (even tho im bad at self study i kinda want to try this lol)). aararhahofnagkhtirekagnhieoghoeoag hiaeohgieahgiah

what a dilemma.

[nutellamolotov]

gradually feeling better

hopefully tomorrow i can go back to functioning mostly normally so i can resume the cleaning and packing up

and i’m so annoyed i brought my boxes up now because i basically will have to just put them back down in the basement before it’s time to show the house LOL

i wanted to use the opportunity to go through everything and set aside the things i can get rid of and put in the things i can keep but like, i gotta be real. idk if i’ll get to doing more than just enough to make things show-worthy.

i’m still apprehensive about moving, but we found another house that looks really nice so like

if we can get that one then i can get properly into the mindset of moving and it won’t be so bad

but that heavily depends on if they accept our offer and if we can sell THIS house

which tbh i’m not entirely sure on because part of making things look show worthy is making sure all the little cosmetic things we haven’t gotten to are finally finished.

and i say “cosmetic” because if there’s anything more than that, i’m not entirely sure it’ll be gotten to.

but then again we don’t have the money to do a full and precise renovation, particularly after all the shit we went through just for the flooring. idk, we’re at the “bare minimum” bit thanks to various issues that we can’t much compensate for.

bluh

overall there’s so much to do and i don’t like thinking of everything that’s gotta be done all at once in the apparently short time frame that we’ve got.

damn well sucks is what it is >:/

welp. anyway.

if i can get everything cleaned up i think the next thing i’ll do is work on using up my canvases for paintings and see if i can sell them.

other than my MASSIVE one, i’ve got plenty of more reasonably sized ones.

if my parents won’t be butts about the whole thing, maybe i can sell some of my older pieces too. the ones i figure are actually worth putting a price tag on.

if they still insist on keeping my high school portfolio i’m just gonna be like “ok well happy birthday to you both, this is your gift now.”

it’s nice when your parents like your art and want to keep it but it gets really ridiculous and out of hand when they don’t want you to even get rid of the shitty stuff that’s mostly practice or studies or old assignments that aren’t needed anymore

that’s too much to keep! be reasonable here!!!!! where are you going to put it?? you have nowhere to keep it omfg...

i’m hoping i’ll have enough time and paint to work on my large canvas and submit it to art all night this year. it’s coming up soon so... idk maybe. i’m hoping i can make it really good so i can sell it and maybe someone will buy it idk. it’d be nice.

anyway i think that’s enough for now