Bad for Me — Cassian x Reader
Hi! I found this in my drafts and thought I’d share it while I’m finishing up the next part of Bluebird. I’m not sure why I never posted it 🤔maybe because I don’t think it’s very well written. Also, it seems I was using a prompt list for parts of dialogue in this, but I can’t for the life of me think which one it was 😅but anyway, enjoy an angsty piece with an angsty cliffhanger ending 💅🏻
Word Count: 4.5k
Warnings: None.
✧: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚
“What the fuck is this?”
There wasn’t a part of you that didn’t shake with anger as you stormed your way into the sitting room. Anger that had built up and festered as the day had faded into night.
It was late. You’d waited up — waited for the telltale, arrogantly loud footsteps that had announced Cassian’s return. Where he’d been all day, you didn’t know nor care.
Sure enough, you found him in his usual chair by the fireplace, a glass of whiskey rested on the arm and his eyes closed. His fingers rubbed circles into his forehead — a positive sign that he was sporting a particularly gruelling headache.
Good. You would yell into his ear until he launched himself off one of the verandas and flew far, far away.
“What is this?” You repeated, chucking the item you held straight onto his lap.
His eyes slowly opened, and he glanced down impassively. “That’s a piece of paper. It’s useful for writing, or drawing, or—”
“Don’t be a smartass.”
It had surprised you, to say the least, to wake up to the folded note on your bedside table — in Cassian’s rough scrawl.
Find yourself a pretty little dress. Don’t make any plans for Friday next. We’re going dancing. Cassian.
“Explain.” You demanded, your tone clipped. Brash.
You didn’t want to go dancing with Cassian. Or walking, or running, or…anything.
It was bad enough living under the same roof as him. Working in the same circle as him. Bad enough having to be civil in the name of a unified front.
But you were professional. You could pretend to get along in front of people.
That didn’t mean you had to socialise with him, though.
With a sigh, he sat up straighter, brushing his hair back. “Rhys is having me play courtier again.”
Your head cocked to the side. “But you’re so terrible at it.”
The minuscule pause and tick of his jaw told you you’d landed a sure blow. A nervy spot, for Cassian, was certainly his abilities off the battlefield. Why Rhys insisted on sending the General on certain courtier expeditions was beyond your comprehension. And beyond Cassian’s, too, judging by how much he hated it.
You took no small amount of pleasure in that fact. A little payback for all the ways he’d torn you down over the years.
“Hilarious.” He rolled his eyes at you.
“I wasn’t joking.”
“Whatever. Rhys is having me represent him at a fucking ball in the Hewn City and I need a plus-one, so — you’re coming.”
Your shoulders tensed. “Absolutely not. Ask somebody else.”
“There’s no way I’m putting Mor through that. And she’s in Vallahan, anyway.”
“So take Amren with you.”
“Be real, Y/N.”
You stared at him, clenching your jaw. You hated him. Hated him so, so much — loathed him — that you swore your veins turned to ice around him. Ever since you’d met him, and you’d taken one look at him and thought he was the most beautiful male you’d ever seen.
You’d sworn never to fall in love again, when you’d joined Rhysand’s Inner Circle — and seeing Cassian go through flings like you went through books only solidified that decision.
Hate was a good thing. Hate was something you could pour all your anger into and throw at the person that seeped into your thoughts a little too often.
And dish that hate out you may, but gods Cassian gave it back just as fiercely.
“Ask one of your many lovers.” You spat. “You have your cock in a different female every week. I can’t imagine you’re short on admirers.”
Cassian stretched his arms over his head. “And how many admirers do you have, Y/N?”
You tried your best not to flinch. To let him see the effect his words had on you was as bad as him thrusting a dagger into your gut. You willed yourself to give nothing away.
“Just find somebody else.” You said. “There’s not a fucking chance I’m going anywhere with you, of all people.”
You didn’t give him a chance to respond. You turned on your feet and stalked from the room, leaving the note on his lap and your barbed words hanging heavy in the air.
✧: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・
Three nights later, your bedroom door burst open so abruptly that you dropped your book on your face.
“Pause your masturbation for five minutes.” Cassian’s deep, arrogant voice filled the room. “I have your dress.”
You sat up, your entire body tensing the way it always did in his presence. “What.”
He kicked the door shut behind him, and even in your considerably-sized bedroom, his domineering figure seemed to take up most of the space. He strode to the foot of your bed — and paused, just for a moment, his eyes drinking in the sight of your nightgown, your unbound hair.
You didn’t have a chance to remark before he straightened himself out and launched a flash of pale pink fabric at you.
“For the ball.” He said. “I checked your size and asked the shopkeeper to pick it out, so…if you don’t like it, I don’t really give a fuck.”
Your eyes fell down to the dress in your lap. Undeniably pretty, with its rosy hue and flaring skirt, thin straps and tiny, beaded jewels. A dress you would probably choose for yourself, if the occasion called for it.
You’d always loved clothes; dresses in particular. The intricacies of certain garments fascinated you, and the thought of creating your own made your heart skip a beat.
You thought you’d feel pretty in this dress; prettier than you usually felt, in your leathers or shirts and breeches. It wasn’t all that often that you had an occasion to dress up for.
But even this gown wouldn’t convince you to accept Cassian’s invitation. Or, rather, his order.
You pushed the dress away from you, though your fingers lingered within the soft fabric. “You’re absolutely fucking insane if you think I’m going to that ball with you.”
Cassian’s eyes fell to where your hands stroked the skirts, before climbing back up to meet yours. The bastard knew what you were feeling. He fucking knew.
“Oh, you so want to.” He smirked. “I can see it in your eyes.”
You shrugged nonchalantly. “So it’s a nice dress. I’m sure one of your many sexual escapades would appreciate it.”
The General’s head tilted, a few strands ripping from the loose knot his hair was tied into. “What is it about my sex life that bothers you so much?”
That you’re free to even have such a sex life without judgement. That you will never know what it’s like to be ostracised just for exploring such things. That you can fuck who you like with no repercussions. That it isn’t me you’re—
“Don���t mistake me for someone who gives a shit about anything you do.” You bit. “I just wouldn’t want such a nice dress to be wasted.”
“It won’t be. Because you’ll be wearing it to the ball on Friday.”
“No.” You threw the dress back at him. Picked your book back up. “I will not.”
“I’m going to hang it on the door.”
“Don’t bother.”
He ignored you, of course. The dress was hung. “We’ll be leaving at seven.”
“No we won’t.”
“We will.”
He pulled your bedroom door open, slipping out.
“Cassian?” You called, and there was a strong pause.
He poked his head back in. “What?”
“I’m not going to that damned ball with you.”
✧: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・
You were going to that damned ball with him.
High Lord’s orders, your ass. You’d kill Rhys for this.
The dress was a perfect fit, clinging to you like a second skin. And as you stared yourself down in the mirror, smoothing your hands over the fabric, you couldn’t remember the last time you’d felt this pretty.
A long, long time ago. A night of passion. A night that would ultimately ruin your life.
You shook the past from your thoughts, straightening yourself out. It was imperative that you wore an unbreakable mask to the Hewn City. One that was steeled and sharp and revealed nothing of the person that lay beneath.
A thump fell on your bedroom door. “We’re going to be late.” Cassian barked.
You rolled your eyes, turning away from the mirror. The beads of your dress swished as you moved, and you focused on that, rather than the oaf that was currently trying to break into your room.
Just a few hours, and this would all be over.
“Simmer down, General.” You pulled the door open, stepping out. “I’m ready.”
Cassian stepped back. And stopped.
His hazel eyes slowly traced the length of your body. And despite the fact that he’d griped about being late, he took his sweet time drinking you in.
You waited for the snide remarks. For whatever fault he would surely find with your appearance. But when his eyes landed on your face again, you couldn’t puzzle out his expression.
“Good.” Was all he commented. “Let’s go.”
✧: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・
“Can you quit your fidgeting?”
Cassian scowled beside you, rolling his shoulders. “The collar on this thing is too tight.”
Your eyes travelled the sculpted length of his body — not for the first time — before you forced them away. He looked…undeniably breathtaking.
His comfort, you knew, was in leathers and body armour. Only on rare occasions like Starfall or Solstice did he swap his usual attire for more casual clothing like button-up shirts and trousers. You couldn’t recall a time you’d actually seen him decked in a tailored suit.
Until now.
The material was of deepest burgundy, outlining — accentuating — every last muscle it possibly could. There was something thrilling about the thought of so many deadly weapons hiding within that dashing attire. Something thrilling about knowing the Lord of Bloodshed walked beside you.
Right now, though, he was the fucking Lord of Complaining and Whining. You rolled your eyes, turning to him.
“What are you doing?” He watched as you pushed up onto the tips of your toes.
“Shutting you up.” You adjusted his collar, ignoring the feel of the backs of your fingers brushing his neck. “Better?”
“Suppose so.” He rolled those shoulders again. He wouldn’t be content until the suit was off him completely.
“Then let’s go.” You currently stood outside the towering gates of the Hewn City, the air always unpleasantly cold in these parts. You took a step forward, your dress swishing along the ground—
A warm, rough hand landed on your arm. Stopped you.
“What?” You glanced at Cassian over your shoulder.
“Rhys is expecting us to represent him.” He said, his hazel eyes strangely fierce. He always got that look when there was a task at hand. “I know we hate each other. And that’s more than fine. But just for tonight, can we pretend that we…don’t?”
You stared back at him pensively. A petty part of you wanted to shrug him off and scoff. To tell him that the unpleasantness with which he’d always approached you had long laid any potential alliance to waste.
But he was right — Rhys was counting on you both. And Rhys had done a lot for you since you’d turned up on his doorstep with barely a coin to your name. For him…for him, you would pretend to enjoy Cassian’s company.
“Whatever.” You shrugged the General’s touch off, turning back around. “Fine.”
It wasn’t going to be easy, though.
✧: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・
You made sure, in your life, that you never had to spend any extended amount of time with Cassian. You tolerated him when you had to, and avoided him the rest of the time.
But you’d been for nights out in the same group, of course. And you’d forgotten how many females tended to flock to his side and fawn over him.
This ball was a sure reminder of that.
You’d barely stepped into the room and grabbed yourselves a drink before groups of females were glancing over and chatting excitedly, shrill giggles floating over to you. It was a mere five minutes before one of them mustered the nerve to ask him to dance, leaving you standing on your own.
It was during that first dance that you decided — you weren’t just going to be civil with Cassian.
You were going to be so sickeningly over the top that he’d have no chance of skulking off with any of those females and leaving you by yourself while he got his cock sucked. Not a chance. If they thought he’d been claimed by another member of Rhys’s Inner Circle, they’d back off; if a little begrudgingly.
So you watched. Waited for that dance to end. Rhys hadn’t given you any specific orders, besides attending on his behalf and keeping an ear out for any gossip. You drank your wine and enjoyed the music, and the second Cassian had an empty space before him, you dipped in before anybody else could.
It seemed to surprise him. He blinked at you, before straightening himself out. “What are you doing?”
“Dancing with you.” You grabbed his hand, fastening it on your waist.
“Rhys never said we had to dance together.”
“You want us to get along, Cassian?” The music began, tugging you into movement. “Then let’s get along.”
With the other couples beginning to dance around you, it left no other option than to follow suit and avoid causing a scene. Cassian’s jaw ticked, but he grabbed for your other hand and began to pull you around the dance floor with him. He was no seasoned dancer, by any means, but he displayed more skill than you’d expected.
Another thing you loved — dancing. Feeling like your feet were floating. Once you started dancing, you wanted to keep going and going into you fell off the world and tumbled into a blissful beyond. Nothing else mattered besides the music, the moves.
“I didn’t know you could dance.” Cassian commented, echoing the thoughts you’d had about him.
You shrugged, not misstepping once. “I was forced to take lessons as a girl.”
“I didn’t know that, either.”
“Why would you know? It’s not as though we like each other.”
He spun you around. Dipped you in his arms. “And why is that?”
Laughable, that he was the one to ask that question. “You tell me. You never tried.”
“Is that how it went?”
“It is.”
He stared at you, expression unreadable. No other words were exchanged as one dance came to its end, and the music flowed into the next piece. But you didn’t need words to carry out your plan.
The second you caught a glimpse of hopeful, waiting females in your periphery, you pulled Cassian closer to you once more, your bodies flush against each other.
You may have felt a teensy bit ridiculous as you slipped your fingers into the strands of his hair and brushed it out of his face.
“I like your hair like this.” The words were heavy on your tongue. Not untrue, but…painful to say out loud.
Cass stared at you. “…thank you.”
But his thanks was lost in your satisfaction as the awaiting female disappeared from the corner of your eye, skulking off to sulk, no doubt. It was an effort not to smirk. Still, you righted yourself and continued with your plan.
You made certain that yours and Cassian’s bodies met in all the right places. Very close. Very dangerous.
Perfect — because there were still hopeful, simpering females watching. Waiting for you to walk away.
“Dance with me again.” Your breathy tone wasn’t entirely for show — nor was the hand you trailed down his arm for emphasis.
But Cassian frowned at you. “What are you up to?”
“Me?” Your eyes glittered. “Nothing at all.”
He kept his gaze on you, following you into your second dance. You could have sworn you saw the slumping of many shoulders as you spun around the floor, Cassian’s hands like a burning brand on your skin.
You weren’t even really paying attention to him, simply following the steps mindlessly, until he spoke again.
“That isn’t how it went.” He said.
Your brow furrowed as you spun around. “What?”
In one swift move, he was pulling you against him, pressing your fronts together. “You said I never tried to know you. I refute that.”
You shrugged. “You treated me with the same contempt as the bastards I ran away from.”
“You treated me like I was dirt beneath your shoe and I didn’t deserve the time of day.”
You narrowed your eyes at him. That simply was not true. He had always been cocky, and arrogant, and difficult. He acted as though mud wouldn’t stick to him, as though he could do what he liked, when he liked.
Suddenly, you didn’t want to be dancing with him anymore. Didn’t want his hands on you, simpering females or no.
He could go to hell.
“I never thought you didn’t deserve the time of day.” You contested tersely. “I—”
“I know.” He interrupted. Spun you around again. “I worked it out eventually.”
“Excuse me?”
“What your problem is.” Another dip.
You didn’t like this conversation — it’s direction. It would be easier to run away, to avoid it.
Easier, but cowardly.
“Pray, tell, General, what do you believe my problem is?” You stared at him.
He leaned down, just as the music faded. Poised his lips at your ear. “Jealousy.” He murmured, the word seeming deafeningly loud. “Sometimes the way you look at me makes me think that perhaps you don’t hate me that much.”
You knew your body stiffened between you. And as he pulled back and smirked, you also knew that he knew he’d won.
Whatever it was that glittered in his eyes was…knowledge. Knowing. An understanding. And that couldn’t mean anything good for you.
“Cassian?”
The two of you looked up upon the intrusion, only realising then that the music had stopped, and the dancing with it. A doe-eyed girl stared at the General with bright, sparkling hope in her eyes.
“I was hoping I might have the next dance.” She said.
You didn’t care anymore. You barely spared either of them a glance as you let go of Cassian and pushed out of his arms.
“He’s all yours.” You said.
And then you went to find some fresh air.
✧: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・゚✧・゚: *✧・
“I’ll be sure to tell Rhys that you spent the evening skulking around on your own whilst I did all the posturing.”
You glanced at Cassian out of the corner of your eye. You weren’t interested in a verbal sparring match right now. The night air was pleasant on your skin, and you allowed it to cool your face, your neck. Allowed it to wash away the tension permanently coiled within your veins, if only for a few stolen moments.
“Go ahead”, was the only reply you offered.
Eyes pierced into you as you bathed yourself in the moonlight. Even with your own shut, you could sense Cassian watching, waiting. But you wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of anything beyond vague acknowledgement. Not now.
That seemed to fucking torture him.
“What—no smartass response?” He quipped.
“No, Cassian,” you sighed quietly. “No smartass response.”
He paused — seemed genuinely knocked silent for a moment — before he scoffed. “I don’t believe that for a second. Even in silence, I know you’re up to something. That scheming brain of yours—”
“This scheming brain of mine is exhausted.”
As your eyes flew open, you caught the way he faltered, a slight misstep, the barest ruffling of his wings. For all he was the General of War, the Lord of Bloodshed, you’d also observed him to be a profoundly emotional person. And that emotion sometimes won as he fought to hide it.
This emotion…it was ire. Gone was the sharp-edged teasing. He found issue with your words, and his jaw gave a telltale tick.
“What could you possibly be exhausted by?” he scoffed. “You need only turn up looking like a fucking goddess and people respect you. You’re not some lowly, bastard-born brute. You don’t get sneered at simply for breathing—”
“You believe people respect me?”
“Of course they do!”
“You don’t.”
He stumbled — actually stumbled — and it was only that which alerted you to the way he’d been inching towards you. But his steps faltered, and he gaped at you like your revelation was entirely out of pocket. Like you had no reason to feel that.
“You have never respected me.” You held firm on your point, even if your voice was a tad quieter. “I fled a fucking viper’s den and ran to Rhysand’s court, hoping to find a sense of…of belonging. But you…” A soft, rueful chuckle shuddered out of you. “You have made it your mission to ensure that would not be the case.”
Slowly, Cassian’s brow pinched. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, seeming to search for the right words. “That…isn’t how it went…”
“It is,” you shrugged. “You said I treated you like dirt — perhaps, unintentionally, I did. Perhaps it was a defence mechanism, because I never expected to flee absolute hell and come face-to-face with a male that I immediately wanted.”
There they were — the words out in the open. The truth wedged itself between you like a glaring, unmissable sign. You had never hated Cassian. Quite the opposite.
“I thought that I would never want another male in that way again.” You revealed hoarsely. “I thought I would live a life content with just…being me. With friends and nothing more. But that first day I met you, I walked in and I…I knew. I felt it.”
Cassian blinked, slowly shaking his head. “What…”
“And then you were so hostile, and I thought that maybe that was a good thing. That it would discourage me from feeling things. But I must be a fucking glutton for punishment, because no matter how cold you were towards me, my feelings only grew. And I tried…I tried so hard to shift them into hate, but I couldn’t. I’ve never been able to. I simply…can’t.”
The way he stared at you…so hardened, so severe…you couldn’t get a read on the reaction. But then…had you ever really been able to get a read on him?
“You were right…what you said about me being jealous,” you swallowed. “I was. I am—”
“That was…just a joke…I was just being a dick—”
“No,” you shook your head. “You were right. I was jealous in there, and I’m always jealous when people flirt with you. When I see you smile at them and joke with them and I shouldn’t wish it was me but I do. These feelings are constant. And that, Cassian…that is why I am exhausted. It’s exhausting for me to know you.”
Silence.
It should have been a relief, to have finally shifted such heavy feelings from your shoulders. But they were like tangible beings, fogging the air around you, wrapping you and Cassian up in a situation that was complicated and ugly and not at all ideal.
You knew he would do nothing with your feelings…except maybe sneer at them, laugh at them, throw them back in your face. You expected nothing from him. And the longer the silence went on, the more you began to wish that you could steal your confessions back. Shove them deep back into that narrow part of your heart that was still capable, somehow, of feeling such things.
You cleared your throat, tweaking the pretty, delicate gloves that covered your hands and forearms. “We should…head back inside.”
You breezed past him, suddenly desperate for the mindless chaos of the throne room. But you’d only managed a few steps forward before Cassian was gripping onto your arm and yanking you back.
Your dress fanned out as he spun you around, and a breath pushed out of you as he slammed you against the nearest wall, the cold brick biting into the fabric of your dress.
Before you could say anything, he was dipping down, his mouth sliding over yours.
Cassian kissed you deeply, punishingly, his lips moulding to yours perfectly. You gasped against him, and his tongue slid into your mouth to dance with yours, his rough, rugged taste invading you.
You’d thought about this moment a ludicrous amount. You’d imagined what the weight of his lips might be like, how perfectly his tongue might duel with yours. Nothing — no amount of imagining — could prepare you for the reality. The sense of rightness as his hand coasted up to clasp the back of your head, his fingers sinking into your hair. He gave a gentle tug, and you moaned in immediate response.
Air, it seemed, was not important. Not as you kissed him back feverishly, gripping at his shirt in an attempt to pull him as close against you as he could possibly get. The press of his hard body against yours was pleasure in itself. You nipped his lip, desperate for more, more, more, and he groaned in response.
This — this could very well spiral out of control, and you would welcome it. You wanted him to tear your clothes off and take you against this wall. You wanted him to make you feel like he wanted you, like it wasn’t exhausting to know him—
But there was suddenly emptiness and coldness. And it took your mind a moment to catch up and realise that he had pulled away.
Not far. Just enough to stare down at you, his deep hazel eyes flaring and furious. His panting breaths sawed out of him, landing directly on your lips and making you desperate for another taste. You tilted your head up—
He shook his head. Stepped back.
“No,” he murmured, voice gruff. “No. You…you are very bad for me.”
Your entire body turned cold at the words. Words that sliced at you, reminiscent of ones you’d heard before. “What?”
“You’re bad for me,” he repeated. “And I am very bad for you.”
“Cassian—”
“Don’t—don’t even say my name.”
With a swiftness that sent a gust of wind rustling the skirts of your dress, he turned, wings flaring and launching him into the star-speckled sky above you. You gaped at his retreating figure, flying off into the night, leaving you alone not only in that courtyard, but in the fucking Court of Nightmares.
Your mouth had turned dry, your skin cold. You lingered out there long after Cassian had flown off, waiting to see if he would come back. Pathetically hoping he would.
He did not.
And as you conceded, slipping your courtier mask back into place and turning to retreat back inside, his words rang like a deafening klaxon in your head.
You are very bad for me.
418 notes
·
View notes