#anyways i had to medically transition again as an adult bc of that

[tigersorange]

thinking about how ive medically transitioned twice because of being intersex (forced to take hormones at puberty onset bc i was going through the “wrong” puberty) and no one told me what I was being made to take were hormones that would physically change me in a way that i didn’t consent to

[ritzcuit]

been thinking abt #gender again lately Cus i keep forgetting im not transitioning LMFAOOO ITS SO!!! FUNNY IDK WHAT IM DOINGGG Im just fucking around if we're being real. but ppl dont like it when you say that. theyre like no you need a god honest legal legitimate Paladin-esque reason to be doing crazy shit to your body. so i have to be like (gets on one knee) i reject my womanhood. Which i do. but like.

if i collect all the ppl whove inspired me to fuck around w gender it's all women in drag if im being honest LOLLL Like drag kings. like women crossdressing. Which is maybe still touchy for some people....

the legitimate way of saying this is "i'm gender nonconforming" which is true + how i feel + what i say, or for medical reasons i say i'm nonbinary (which gets flattened to transmasc because medicine is hell) but like...i just say im a gnc butch... Cus i am. that's the legit reason...

but its funny.... like ... my idols were jo calderone (lady gaga's drag king persona) and like. Ryuutaro tgaa. LMFAOOO. HELPPP.... i was watching someone stream tgaa and one of their friends was surely a nonbinary person and the person streaming was like [name] she's your character you voice her. and i was like man i want that for me. Which is a very roundabout way of getting there....

it's all practical reasons... i want a deeper voice bc i had NO range and voice acting made me so jealous. i want body hair cus its hot. i want facial hair cus i wanna see what id look like with it... i wanted to see if i even could grow it lol. i want top surgery bc my boobs are huge and i never opted into having them. Like it's just practical reasons.... all of these things i don't specify, i just say oh i have dysphoria/euphoria. Bc the health industry is not ready for nuanced discussions of gender in the slightest. so i have to tell half truths or obscure truth in order to get what i need...

its just interesting... so funny growing up around transmed/truscum tumblr (not actively in it, thankfully, but internalizing their rhetoric) and then as an adult im like Ohhhh wait my body is my own + i can do what i want forever + genderweird butches are eternal

But blah i think abt it cus when ppl talk abt gender and theyre like, oh men do this, girls do that, and somehow they still try to be like, trans inclusive, but they still try to shove you in a binary ANYWAY, and even though i am still cis-ish (my friend says cis+ and its so funny to me) its like. well no cus ive been unpacking my identity and trying new things and now this box doesnt work for even me, a reasonably somewhat cisgender person. like. The whole framework is fucked....

[shaftking]

I literally do not understand why transmeds tend to be against teens transitioning. If you get why dysphoria is really that serious why deny a teen treatment? Y'all super adamant about needing dysphoria (I agree on this part) but also like no cure for you though. Only treatment for adults. Like it would be one thing to be against informed consent for teens, but like with genuine proper diagnosing (not some hack talking to them for an hour, meaning no trenders getting this) (though tbh only letting straight trans teens transition might help decrease regret rate as like I have yet to see a trender claim to be a straight man). Also transphobes against teens transitioning usually dont want adults to either, they'll always push the number higher if they could. 25 for brain development, but I guarantee if they got to that they'd say more time to experience after hitting full brain development. You're never old enough to know but also later is too old anyway. Also, genuinely curious as to what resource you say they should get as literally nothing other than transition helped my mental health in any way. It's not like a therapist hits you and the head with a wand and you feel better. It's not like talking about anything can solve these issues.

Eh… like I’ve said before. It’s a situation that requires some nuance, but overall the rule should be no minors transitioning, but perhaps with some exceptions. Of course dysphoria is a bitch, but there are ways to help trans kids and teens that aren’t immediately jumping to the medical side of things.

I’m against puberty blockers for trans kids wholesale because frankly they just cause more problems than they solve, ethical issues nonwithstanding. But I also don’t necessarily see a problem with a 16/17 year old starting HRT, given that they’ve had persistent dysphoria since childhood and have cleared it with a doctor and a psychologist.

It is definitely annoying that both sides seem to want this to be a black and white issue when it’s not. However, the fact that transphobes will use any kind of medical mistreatment of (potentially) trans minors to try and prevent adults from transitioning means that minors transitioning should be handled with the utmost care, in addition to the fact that a lot of kids and teens think they’re trans adamantly before settling out as adults.

And yeah, the “25 bc brain development” reasoning is dogshit and that’s not how the world works. There are things that have 21 as a limit that I think should be lowered back down to 18 because it the age of legal adulthood and if you can go to war, vote, acquire debt, live independently, etc, you can start making your own medical decisions too. Again, given that there is also a degree of ethical practice on the part of the doctor as far as informing the patient and assuring that the treatment s correct, etc.

Usually when I and other transmed aligned people talk about “other resources” we’re typically talking about mental health services and other methods of alleviating dysphoria like safe binding, voice training, packing/tucking, etc that aren’t invasive or medical but can ease some dysphoria and aid passing. Obviously theses things don’t solve everything, but medical transition isn’t a magic fix-all either. But I think it would help trans kids/teens specifically to have a baseline of trans-specific coping skills since it’s typically unethical imo for minors to go on HRT or have trans related surgeries on the whole.

[transrightsyamaguchi]

thoughts on volume 2 of real

i was going to liveblog it like i did with volume 1 but i. got so absorbed i ended up reading the whole thing in one sitting. anyway (under a cut bc it's Long but it's mostly spoiler free):

i can See the nomiya-azumi-kiyoharu love triangle coming but i want azumi and kiyoharu to end up together so badly holy shit. especially now that i know just how long this slow burn has been burning. i love. straight people

MENTION OF THE WHEELCHAIR BASKETBALL POINT SYSTEM!!! author did his research 👍

i changed my mind about takahashi i like what happened with his arc here. it might be because i went 3 weeks between reading the first and second volumes and had time to forget about his asshole behavior but man i felt for him. he's such a dick but you can't help but cry with him. out of all the characters you feel takahashi's anger/sadness/grief the most viscerally. and good lord is this boy going through the five stages of grief.

also re: takahashi i NEED to know how nomiya and kiyoharu react to seeing him again once he gets out of the hospital. we got a little sliver of nomiya reaction to finding out he's been hospitalized but i need the reunion scene. especially since takahashi's met kiyoharu before and even lost a game of basketball to him. that reunion will be so interesting. i don't even have predictions for how it would go but i think losing another game of basketball against kiyoharu would be good for takahashi in terms of character growth.

i cannot stress enough how masterfully done the scene transitions are here. the first volume too. i was wondering if that was a fluke but i think this guy just really likes Juxtaposition.

HI BABYGIRL!!! (said about an adult man who is the same age as me)

KIYOHARU BACKSTORY. god he's such a cute little guy. the eyelashes.

my heart was racing during the whole backstory sequence and THE VOLUME ENDS IN THE MIDDLE OF IT. i hope we see him get diagnosed---i can't imagine why we wouldn't? other than brevity purposes at least.

the whole "i'll confess to her when i break 11 seconds" thing. i had to put down the book for a second and wait for my heart to go back to normal. do you mean to tell me that (gestures to the backstory) all THIS happened and then he just. sat on that crush for five. years. not just him but azumi too. oh they're perfect for each other.

also they NAMED THE CANCER. i don't know why i'm so excited that a writer has done the bare minimum amount of research on a medical condition a character has but. you know. usually i don't even get that (gestures vaguely to yukimiya kenyu). i wonder if it's too much to hope for for kiyoharu to have a rotationplasty. probably. we'll find out.

one negative thing for all this gushing: i hope this series passes the bechdel test at some point. azumi is a good character but she's very Not Like Other Girls. i'm inclined to blame some of this on the fact that this was written in 1999 but. come on man.

i keep feeling like this is a bit too good to be true if that makes any sense. like. togawa kiyoharu is a disabled character who is fully capable of kicking ass but is also well-rounded with flaws and personality, who isn't constantly angsting over being disabled, whose character arc does not surround his disability (what's set up of his arc so far is that he quit his team because he's more competitive than the other players and he's bad at cooperating. bit of a kageyama complex. he'd have fun in blue lock). and he's cute. no way they're just Giving us all that. there has to be some sort of catch. i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

hopefully the other shoe doesn't drop in volume 3 otherwise i have to return the whole stack to the library at once and that will be even more embarrassing than checking them out was. i spent so long at that damn self-checkout stand trying to cram all 14 books into my bag.

[sniffanimal]

can't figure out how to word a post but I've been getting a lot of perspective on past mistakes and stupid drama squabbles and such by realizing we're all just products of our experiences and sometimes your experiences are that you're only 18. or only 25. or only 35. etc. you know? I'm not saying the older you get the less excusable mistakes are/less mistakes you make, not at all. I'm saying like when you make a mistake, or have conflict, or something, if you can step back and say "is this because I'm X years old?" it can give you perspective on the situation.

warned you I can't figure out how to word it and also my sleep meds are kicking in and so I'm not coherent but anyways I found myself sighing at some tiktok drama I was reading about bc the parties were both like, 22. and really I'm not much older than 22, but God I'm a lot less stupid than I was at 22, and I'll probably be even less stupid in 5 more years.

humans grow and change and that's the beauty in watching teens and young adults squabble over art styles on tiktok. ah to be young and have no bigger fish to fry than your social media call-out over something with no real world repercussions.

sidenote I'm so glad I didn't medically transition til I was like 24 and therefore hated my voice for nearly a quarter of a century because I never got into making video content about stuff I did. epic dysphoria win. instead I decided to get a job that keeps me off the Internet for 6 hours a day and touching grass with real people.

oh god I just realized my student (a paraplegic) probably hasn't touched grass in a long time, potentially ever. I should bring in a pot of wheatgrass for her. I give her sticks and leaves a lot but how have I neglected touching grass this whole time

a character on greys anatomy said she's 25 out loud on screen and I shriveled a little bit bc it's so weird being older than TV drama characters. I had just gotten over being older than high schoolers on TV but now I have to reckon with being older than people with medical degrees. there's a good chance the nice nurse at my doctor's office is younger than me, he looks younger than me. oh god the passage of time!

genuinely I can't wait to be 30. I think after 30 it'll be easier to understand I'm 30. "nearly 30" feels like cheating, I'm not even 27 (in like 6 weeks I will be). at 30 I think I'll feel the solidness of a number divisible by 10.

I am excited for 27 though, it's my golden birthday and my favorite number. and a nice cube. weird al likes the number 27

what was this post about again

[dog-teeth]

Hiii please don't answer if this question is too much but I was wondering what your experience as a trans person existing is like? Rn I'm cis passing and low-key making me miserable but the anxiety of how I would b treated in the world is so so so scary so I guess is it hard? Are you treated any different? Especially the non-binary thing bc that's me too <3

haiii as always i write fucken essays so its below the cut lol

well first of all i can only speak to my own experience, which is obvs influenced by the other parts of my life like my location/class/race/sexuality/personality/etc, it difficult/impossible to distill what "being trans" is like without factoring in everything else.

but anyways, i'm extremely lucky to have had the security to come out and be open about my transness since i'm surrounded by really excellent people. when i came out i was 14 and didn't know any other trans people, and it sucked, but i feel like even in just the past 6ish years there's a LOT more visibility for trans people than there was back then, and obvs i was young and had a lot less personal autonomy at the time. but my friends were all really cool about it and my parents were chill as well, and i went to a good high school where my teachers were respectful (i got misgendered by other students but once they were aware of me being trans they usually stopped) so i honestly didn't face that much external difficulty because of my gender.

the period between coming out and medically transitioning was rough a lot of the time tho, just because of the frustration of trying to be seen a certain way and the world never seeing you that way, at times it felt futile to even try and for a long time i really wished i wasn't trans, because being trans had never brought me any joy, so i didn't have pride in it the way i could with my sexuality, as it had only ever caused me pain (whereas my queer sexuality had lead me to love, sex, community, etc). but those were internally-driven feelings, not anything specific in how i was treated except for generally living in a world that didn't see me as myself, but that's also true when ur not out. it took a lot of fighting to be seen, and learning how to make myself happy.

since coming out, though, its been really really amazing. meeting & connecting with other trans people, dating other trans people, helping other people figure out their gender identities by being myself around them, making art about being trans, etc, is very rewarding, and obvs u can do that without being "out" too.

emotionally its very fulfilling, like jesus christ medically transitioning once i was an adult was so fucking awesome. i hadnt realized how much not being visible as my gender to other people was holding me back and distressing me until it stopped. even though i had socially transitioned earlier and been respected by people around me, it wasnt until i went on hrt and had top surgery that i felt really really good about existing as a trans person, when i could exist at any time in any space in any clothes and be seen how i wanted to be seen, and felt like my body was as it should be.

i don't really get treated differently tbh, most people don't readily assume ppl are trans so upon meeting me people just think im a queer guy, and i only bring up being trans when i want to & feel ok doing so. being nonbinary some people are bad about using my pronouns but i honestly dont care much. every once in a while i have to explain gender stuff to people but again i dont mind. its def more annoying than if i was a binary trans person but meh.

there's some annoying/anxiety-inducing stuff like dealing with extended family, doctors appointments, legal documents, and situations where i feel like i have to try to be Stealth, but those are rare compared to my everyday life where i'm genuinely just vibing.

i completely respect trans people who don't want to be out for whatever reason, but personally i've found it to be very rewarding and i can only imagine how miserable i'd be if i couldn't be open about my gender.

tldr; it's hard while you're figuring yourself out, but if the people around you are generally good, it's extremely awesome to be able to be yourself and transition!

[littleoddwriter]

hi! can i request (only if you feel comfortable, if not its totally fine, ignore this!) some trans roman? and maybe victor helping him with his dysphoria?

Dysphoria | Roman Sionis x Victor Zsasz | ZsaszMask

Hey! :) Gosh, yes, of course! Thank you so much for this request, you have no idea how excited I got when I read it! I absolutely projected on Roman and thought about him being trans a lot over the last year. So, of course, most of what is written here have been my own experiences, projected on him (not 100% the same, ofc, but--- yeah. I'm pre-everything for example, so, that's already not accurate, but other things that I'm not gonna point out here). Anyway, I really hope you enjoy this, mate! <3

summary; Roman is trans and some day into everything, his dysphoria thought to fuck him over more than usual. Victor helps him through it.

notes; TW // Gender Dysphoria; Mentions of Periods (one sentence); Past Child Abuse (being beaten); Transphobia (nothing explicit, but-); Crying; Self-Harm (punching); Dissociation; essentially Roman's having a BPD Episode bc I always write him having BPD even if not explicitly stated. Trans!Roman, who is on T, but hasn't had Top Surgery, yet. Hurt/Comfort; Showering (mentioned); Cuddling; Kissing; Reassurance; Victor being a good BF.

From the day on that his body has- developed further, Roman’s known that it wasn’t right, that something about the way his body has changed was so utterly and terribly wrong. He hadn’t been able to put his finger on it for a long time, uneducated as he’d been, no thanks to his parents who’ve made sure he’d never be exposed to such things.

So no, of course he hadn’t realised that he wasn’t crazy, but in fact experiencing gender dysphoria.

The understanding and connection he felt with other boys, but not with girls; the way he desperately tried to hide his curves when they started to be visible; the way he thought he was dying, when he first menstruated; the way he’s been crying and feeling such burning rage, when he’s looked at his naked form in the mirror; the way he’s thought that if he was a boy, he’d be happier.

He’s not known for a long time that this was an experience a surprising amount of people have made before him, alongside him.

When he’s finally found people describing their own experiences and learned through those that he truly wasn’t alone with his feelings, he also started to gather more information on the right terminology: Transgender; Gender Dysphoria and Euphoria; Binding; Packing; Social and/or Medical Transition; Hormone Replacement Therapy; Top Surgery; Bottom Surgery; Bottom Growth, and so forth.

Roman marvelled at the possibilities for him to bring out the man inside of him to the outside world, for others to see and recognise. He’s been so ecstatic, doing all kinds of research into it and starting to slowly carry it out to the world around him.

Unfortunately, that hadn’t gone over very well at all. He’s gotten to feel his father’s strength, balled into fists, for the first time in a couple of years, after he’s stated his refusal to wear a dress to the gala because it made him uncomfortable. He’s cut his hair shorter just before that, too, which had upset his parents greatly.

Still, he hadn’t let them deter him. Then he was on his own until he was an adult and able to move out. He’d deal with it somehow. It was fine.

And it really had been fine for a while – up until he’s gathered all his courage to come out to his parents, actually.

Surprisingly, his father hadn’t beaten him into a pulp, like he’d expected. Instead – and really, for Roman this was a lot worse than the beating – his parents had kicked him out and written him out of their will, pulling the plug on him ever receiving another cent of the family’s fortune. He’d been allowed to take his things with him until the late night and then he’d been supposed to be out for good. That was exactly what he’d done, too.

Lucky for him, though, he’s opened a bank account a while ago, setting aside most of his allowance there, just to be safe. Although, frankly, he’s done it to pay for hormones and surgery with it, but that was alright. He’d get that money back eventually, so much more than that, too.

Years later, he’s finally come to the point, where he’s changed his name and sex on all documents, now he’s officially been registered as Roman Beauvais Sionis. It was euphoric, really. He’s also started Hormone Replacement Therapy, and it worked out brilliantly for him.

Still, he’s not had Top Surgery, yet. Why? Well, he was scared for one. He didn’t fucking trust doctors, either. And somewhere along the way, he’s become so conscious of having an immaculate looking body that he just didn’t want to ruin it with surgical scars under his pectorals. It had to sound silly to some people, since his chest dysphoria wasn’t exactly light either, but every time he so much as thought about it and informed himself about it, he ended up with a fucking panic attack. So he’s put it on the back burner for the time being.

It hasn’t really bothered him too much, yet. He worked well with sports bras, binders, and tapes, sometimes nothing at all either, albeit rarely.

His partner in crime (and more), Victor Zsasz, who he’s met about two years ago, has taken it in stride that Roman wasn’t a ‘typical man’ and he was secretly grateful for it. It’s been something he’s always been cautious of, but fortunately Zsasz wasn’t typical by any means either. He didn’t care what was between Roman’s legs or on his chest, as long as it was Roman and no one else. Charming, really.

One late afternoon, though, Roman’s been feeling a little off all day long. It wasn’t anything new; his moods fluctuated between extremes very quickly all the time. Still, he could very well live without days on which he’s felt as though his skin was too tight and like he was one very minor inconvenience away from breaking down crying.

He’s gone to take a shower, washing off the day’s grime before changing into something more comfortable. All business meetings for the day had been taken care of by then and with the way he’s been feeling, he’s made no plans on going downstairs to oversee his club.

After his shower – throughout which he’s kept his eyes closed for most of it, having taught himself to navigate through it mostly without seeing at all by then – it’s all come to a tipping point, apparently.

Still naked, his eyes swept over the mirror, glancing at his own body quickly.

Roman’s been working out since he’s gone on testosterone, making sure his body looked more and more masculine as the years have passed. He was pleased with the progress he’s made.

But when he caught that glimpse of his chest, he stopped short. Overwhelming sadness, disgust and rage broke through to the surface, suffocating him all too suddenly.

Quickly, he pulled the light grey cotton shirt over his head, making sure it sat loose enough. He looked back into the mirror.

It was as though suddenly all masculinity had been stripped off him.

He could see the curves on his chest, his shirt not loose enough to cover them up entirely without anything binding them. He’s stopped binding all day long a while ago, having started to feel more comfortable, thanks to Victor and the hormones’ affects. It didn’t change the fact that in this very moment, it was all too visible – his previous femininity.

Roman kept on looking, all aforementioned emotions overwhelming him more and more, so quickly and suddenly, practically choking him from inside.

And then he was screaming.

He was crying, sobbing violently.

He was punching his thighs first and then the mirror, cracking it.

All of a sudden he was stopped from continuing.

His wrists were being held in a strong grip.

His vision was blurry.

He was still convulsively sobbing and shaking.

“Roman.” It sounded so far away, almost distorted, but he could tell it was Victor. His Victor.

“Roman, hey. Look at me.” It was becoming clearer with every word.

Snivelling still, Roman tried his best to focus on coming back, on looking at his partner. The tight grip Zsasz had on his wrists helped grounding him more easily, more quickly. Fresh tears rolled down his red, puffy cheeks, but it cleared his vision a little. He looked straight into Victor’s beautiful deep, yet empty, brown eyes.

“You’re okay, Roman. I’ve got you. I promise,” Zsasz assured him, sounding so calm and so convinced of his promise.

Roman nodded jerkily, although he didn’t believe Victor entirely.

Then Roman tried to get his arms out of Zsasz’s hold, which he tightened at first, but let him go eventually. He must’ve seen how worked up Roman was getting.

Finally released, Sionis wrapped his arms around Victor, embracing him tightly, pressing himself against him, so that nothing could possibly get between them. Zsasz immediately reciprocated and put his arms around Roman’s waist, holding onto him, while he started crying again, the violent sobs shaking his entire body, cries of anguish leaving his lips. His voice sounded so abused, so raw and broken.

“It’s okay. I’ve got you, boss. I’m here for you, Roman,” Victor shushed him, rubbing soothing circles into his back.

After a while, Roman started to calm down, his snivels dying down to quiet hiccups, tears having long stopped to actually fall.

He released Zsasz from the embrace and rubbed his hands over his face, groaning frustrated. It was so wet. He was disgusted. He turned towards the sink and washed his face with cold water, rubbing it dry with his towel.

He didn’t spare another look into the mirror.

Afterwards, Roman and Victor walked over to their bed, lying down on it. Roman cuddled into his partner, burying his face in the crook of his scarred neck, wrapping his arms around his waist and tangling their legs. Zsasz put his right arm around Roman’s shoulders and with the other one’s hand he held onto his forearm over his own stomach, stroking his thumb over the soft skin there in soothing circles.

“D’you wanna tell me what happened?” Victor asked quietly.

“Fucking gender dysphoria is what happened,” Roman murmured against Zsasz’s skin, sounding agitated, still.

Victor sighed sadly.

“You know it’s lying to you, Roman. You’re a man. Doesn’t fucking matter what your biological sex is or whatever.”

Roman scoffed, “But I’m not a real man. I was a fucking- I can’t even say it,” another frustrated groan, “I looked into the mirror and all I could see was-“

“No,” Victor interrupted him, “Roman, you are a real man. Whatever you thought you saw in the mirror wasn’t real. Your mind’s playing tricks on you to make you feel bad about yourself. You’re as much as a man as me. Or literally any other fucking guy here in Gotham, more so than some of them, too. I promise.”

“You really think so?” Roman nearly whispered, lifting his head to look at his partner, assessing him.

“Yes,” was Victor’s simple answer, such conviction in his eyes and voice, it was palpable – it took Roman’s breath away.

Roman nodded, “’Kay,” he paused for a long moment; then he leaned down and kissed Victor on his full lips, a very small smile stretching his own, “Thank you.”

He rarely ever said ‘thank you’ to anyone at all, but he knew it was the only appropriate response he had for Zsasz’s constant reassurance – his help.

Instead of saying anything else, they started kissing, tenderly making out and enjoying each other’s company, warmth, and mere presence.

Roman may not have always felt complete security about his identity, but he’s never been alone with it either. Victor’s unfailingly been staying by his side, fending off bigots, unbelievers and even his own mind day in and out.

He couldn’t possibly find the right words for just how grateful he was.

He thought that no words could even come close to describing it.

[actuallyadhd]

Hopefully supportive reply to the askers who need support

I have social anxiety so hum I didn’t want to reblog with advice is it okay to submit advice instead? Unless my advice is bad then please delete or something if you hum want.

“Anonymous’s Submission:

My bosses are getting on my case about my speed at work, and between my ADHD, medication that’s making me overheat, and various small physical ailments, I can’t actually meet the pace they want me to (I tried, and it made me sick). I’m in the process of looking for a new job, but I’m sorely tempted to quit this one even before I get another, better job, bc the stress is just awful. I don’t know how to make it clear to my bosses that I’m not as abled as I look :( ”

I am so sorry you are going through that. You are [not] defective for having small physical ailments and not being able to go super fast. You are doing the best you can and you are doing a good job! I am sorry your bosses cannot see that. If you decide to keep your job while looking for your other one, I recommend since it’s super stressful being belittled all the time do some things to soothe yourself maybe while your on break or at home. Maybe listen to your favourite songs, take bubble bathes and perhaps if you are not afraid of touch you could ask a friend or a social tie to message you or you could hug yourself and pat yourself on the back and say you did a good job today. You could also write yourself a letter or a small note to yourself everyday saying you did the best you can and maybe say some nice things to yourself to counter what your bosses are saying that you are doing the best you can to yourself. Unless you find talking to yourself or writing to yourself and hugging yourself is not for you. I do thin you deserve lots of self-care during this stressful job finding and still job doing while you are on the job. This belittling that you do not deserve because you are awesome, will pass or the stress of the new job and transition will pass. Until then when you are on break you deserve lots of pleasant comfy things or something. While we cannot always change people’s unappreciation of us or life’s daily stresses or some of them, that doesn’t mean we cannot appreciate ourselves or something.

“Anonymous’s Submission:

every time my being on medicine comes up in conversation, my mom ignores whatever the topic was and jumps to “do you really NEED all that stuff…? why don’t you stop taking it? i don’t think you really need it. what’s it doing for you anyways?” all i can do is avoid bringing it up- every little complaint about side affects/prices/different generics turns into her pressuring me to stop altogether.”

I am sorry your mom’s invalidating you. Perhaps you could send your mother links on the pills you are taking and how it benefits you and you could tell her while some people don’t need their pills, it helps you function. Does your mother have any developmental or mental disabilities? You could tell her that just because she doesn’t need pills to help her function doesn’t mean it’s not valid that you take your pills to function. Sending people links to things does not always seem to work for me. You could also tell her that you are glad she cares so much for you in your own way but you can make your own decisions and you know what’s best for you and that while she’s great at caring she’s not a doctor. Unless she is a doctor then you could tell her gently that she is not a physctirst and while she has- Where was I going with this? If you cannot change her mind at all, which is unfortunate, some of our loved ones can be stubborn- Perhaps you could take a deep breathe, maybe do some self-care activities before visiting her, maybe play your fav music in the background while she complains to you about you having to take your pills- not in your ears. I have done that once and my Uncle got mad at me- Or perhaps some comfy object or something squishy to squeeze or something- still interact with her, unless you don’t want to but you could use pleasant music and squeezing something to maybe make the conversations less unpleasant? Maybe? I am sorry if this isn’t good advice. Unfortunately my dad often belittles me for singing, laughing, being hyperactive and I cannot change him he’s very stubborn not that some people cannot change but unfortunately when my relatives or some of my relatives belittle me for my disabilities which is- though I guess it’s not quite the same since she’s belittling you for needing to take your meds? Where was.I going with this? You don’t deserve this unpleasantness of course but sometimes relatives will just stay being relatives or they won’t change so we have to cope with self-care and deep breathing and- I lost my train of thought sorry.

“adventureswithgracetopher’s Submission:

I need to get on my meds again, but I misplaced the card with my doctor’s number on it. I need to clean my room so I can find the card, but it’s hard to concentrate on cleaning without my meds.”

Would you be able to take the bus to the doctor’s office to get the phone number? I once tried to make an appointment or argued that my friend when we were at the doctor’s office when I was there with her for some reason, I don’t remember why, anyway I argued that she should be able to make the appointment right there and not have to call. But they disagreed with me. Would it be weird to go visit a drop in doctor’s office? Though would a new doctor you are only going to see once give you a prescription? And if you went to your regular doctor’s office by taking a bus or car would they give you the number or maybe an patient there? I think the reception might give it to you maybe.

If you cannot do all that are any friends or social ties or neighbours have any free time to help you clean your room and you could take them out for lunch, unless they want to do it for free and then maybe you will find it after hopefully one of those contacts could help you clean your room if they do. Sorry if this advice is bad.

“Anonymous’s Submission:

I feel like I’m losing interest in my relationship and it’s scaring me because I’m inlove but it’s slipping…”

Well there are always ways to fall in interest with someone again, don’t worry if you want to stay in the relationship there’s ways to fall in interest or in love with someone again. You could do new things together or maybe- maybe this is bad advice- I am sorry. I think I was trying to say is the relationship won’t nessarily end if you don’t want it too if you are losing interest, you still care about each other. Feelings can be intense sometimes and less intense other times, they won’t go away forever. You could do new things with friends if you want or- This might be bad advice. Sorry I lost track of what I was trying to say. The disinterest could pass though and increase again

“Anonymous’s Submission:

Only recently finding out all the symptoms to my Inattentive ADHD. I always thought certain things I did were just that. Things I did. Now, as an Adult, am I actually seeing these things for what they are. It’s surreal, but it brings certain things in perspective. It’s… freeing, in its own way, even if it scares me and makes me question certain things about myself. I’m glad I’m finally learning after 17~ years of only know it as the ‘I can’t pay attention’ illness.”

Knowledge about ourselves can be liberating, like when I learn more about my own adhd and things click in my head and know it’s not my fault my brain is wired that way and we are okay the way we are. I am glad you got this knowledge. What does it make you question about yourself? You don’t have to answer at all sorry for asking. It’s okay to not like having adhd sometimes. I have combined ADHD, and it can be difficult be inattentive and not finishing all my projects and hobbies and also start daydreaming when people are talking to me and then I feel bad. Hum what was I getting at? I think that it’s okay to doubt yourself or have questions or something.

notmyrealblogdonotfollow’s Submission:

I’ve had three meltdowns (bad ones, hyperventilating etc) in the last 24 hours!! There was a clear reason why the first one happened, but I’ve never had multiple in a row for the same problem??? Like I woke up this morning and almost immediately started hyperventilating, and that’s NEVER happened to me before. It’s so draining. I’m feeling better about the original problem now but I just don’t understand why this happened. I’ve had more upsetting problems, with more underlying stress, and only ever had one meltdown and then been ok the next day.“

Sometimes small things can seem really big in our brains and maybe our thoughts can blow things out of proportion. I have felt overwhelmed without realizing it. That can be draining I am so sorry that you had to go through that. It’s okay to be overwhelmed by something small, any kind of stress no matter how small, the ways it affects us is valid even if our reaction is really large. It’s okay. You deserve lots of comfy things and I hope those small upsetting things happen less. Your feelings are valid. It’s okay to have meltdowns multiple times though that stuff, or feeling overwhelmed can be scary. Sometimes even the littlest things can be overstimulating that’s okay, you aren’t week or anything.

I am sorry if any of this advice was bad or supportive comments. This got long sorry.

[writerproblem193]

Okay so here’s a long and probably rambling meta on Julian Bashir because I have a lot of opinions and emotions about the genetic engineering plotline and I want to sort them out

if any of you haven’t watched Star Trek: Deep Space Nine then you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about have a great day whoo

Specifically right now I want to ramble about what I feel over his (apparently controversial) “I was actually genetically engineered” plot line.

It’s been the major focus of two episodes so far — Doctor Bashir, I Presume where it was introduced, and a season six episode where he works with other genetically engineered people. I just watched that episode today, it’s the most recent one I’ve watched. After both those episodes, I had to pause watching for a while just to ruminate on the episode. I do love all of Deep Space Nine’s complicated complicatedness. 

Honestly, Julian is one of my favourite characters on the show. I’ve tried to describe why before, but it really hit me during an episode ostensibly about Jake Sisko — he was reporting on how Bashir was being a doctor in a war zone and he was having Problem. Anyway, Jake’s great, but there was a little cascade of moments with Julian in the episode that really hit me. 

the complete transition from goofy to professional with brushing Jake off when the casualties started coming in

and him sitting on the floor with the other medical personnel after everyone was stitched up and jokingly (and kinda not jokingly) asking Jake to carrying him to the replicator to get something to eat

Because before he’d been totally relatable with his general failure at life. He’s a total dork. His favourite pastime is like, dressing up in furs and reenacting weird history stuff with his best friend. But there’s something else about him, too. 

I described it later as “being able to stand on his own, but not having to”. 

That’s something that I very much want in my own life. The ability to not need the support from people around me (my mother is flaming hellpit of emotional abuse, that’s gonna be relevant later). When the casualties were flooding in, he knew exactly what he was doing. He was an expert. He didn’t have to rely on anyone. He knew what he was doing. 

But then, after, he sat in a pile on the floor with friends and was clearly metaphorically leaning on them too. And again, I wish I had that too. The network of support around me when I need it. That’s not a dig at any of my wonderful friends — I just wish there were more of them, and that they were physically all around me too. 

Anyway now that I’ve gotten incredibly personal, time for Doctor Bashir, I Presume?

I have to say that I knew that he was genetically engineered going in, and so I was able to wince at all the hints as it went along, instead of being confused. 

Julian had troubles with his parents. For a good reason, it turned out. He legitimately feels like they murdered him, replacing the (implied autistic/developmentally disabled) ‘Jules’ with the person he is now. And that’s a hell of a lot of baggage, alright? 

I was uncomfortably feeling with him all through the episode. Here’s a quick bullet list. 

when his parents came to see him in Sisko’s office and he had to hug them and make nice and he looked so awfully uncomfortable and Sisko didn’t notice at all and cheerily gave him some time off to have them around

the dinner they had together that was so awful and it was meant to be a little but since my mother is fucking horrible it was hitting way, way too many manipulation and icky buttons with me. The don’t-talk-about-it. The don’t-speak-to-us-like-that. The I’m-an-adult-why-won’t-you-treat-me-like-one. The way he was holding himself, with them in HIS home. The way they berated him for moving so far away from home so they can’t come see him

when he went out into the hall because he couldn’t stand talking to them anymore — out of his own space because they’re in there and he has nowhere else to go — and slid to the floor with his head in his hands. I’ve been there. Achingly, been there. 

And though I enjoyed the fun parts of the episode (the spliced interviews were amazing), near the end it started hitting wrong notes for me. Whatever, they had to keep him on the show I don’t care but

He hugged his parents. He agreed to visit and to keep in touch. He basically forgave them. And it infuriated me. So much of the episode was showing and implying the emotional (and you could probably argue physical with the whole ‘rewriting his genetic structure to the point where he feels like the child he was no longer exists’ thing) abuses that he endured at his parents. The whole episode, his interactions with his parents felt like a SciFi Scaled Up Metaphor™ interaction of me with my parents. 

The way they’ve ‘built’ me. How my mother takes responsibility for the fact that I write so much and so well because she read to me and instilled a love of reading and that gave me the tools to start writing. She believes that she was my ‘architect’, to put it in Julian’s words, and it is painful. Just like Julian. And that’s where I got angry with the episode, for dismissing what for me was a nuanced depiction of emotional abuse with a haha he forgives them everything is happy!

Most of the rest of what that episode dealt with in terms of his genetic engineering, I liked. I liked the way it built another level to him. I am all about this character in so many ways. 

(Also I appreciated O’Brien’s reaction being “hey! Play at your actual level! ….in the corner so it’s fair then asshole”. Because he just accepted it and made their interactions more genuine and agh)

Side note: my sibling is autistic, I probably have autism and/or ADHD, and I’ve been categorized as ‘Superior Gifted’ so everything else w/Bashir’s intelligence/outsider status thing also resonates with me. You know, because he wasn’t hitting literally every other button I had. 

My problems with the second episode was more about the writing and the actual show than it was my personal issues, though those are never gone lmao. 

It started off pretty cool, even if the ‘mutant’ characters were a little too mental illness coded for my taste. Everything can be done well — and for a while, it looked like they might have been going there!

Bashir had some awesome moments connecting to those other characters, and actually getting to be understood. He was able to bounce ideas back and forth with them in a way he was never able to do with anyone else (*cough* me and my sib *cough*) and generally got to know himself better and unwind. And that was cool. 

Something probably about halfway through really dinged all those little sensors in me though. Like his parents. Without warning, super subtly, the framing of the episode changed. Instead of the ‘mutants’ being super cool and #relatable and helpful, the narrative had stopped endorsing it and was showing them as hahah off the rails. 

Oh boy, did that bug me. Ohhhhh boy. 

And it was lumping Bashir in with them too. And even besides my immense problems with that (and even setting aside the gross ableism with all the mental illness coding), the way he was throwing in with them? Completely out of character. This is a guy who has-

Listen, if you’ve watched the show, you know. Bashir will 100% throw himself into danger against awful odds. He’s brave. His entire character development up to this point has been about that! What the fuck ds9!!!!! Why are you suddenly making him say ‘we should surrender to The Great Evil™ bc Stats Say So’. Besides all the icky ableism and reframing the narrative to make him look like he’s in too deep with the off the rails mutants, it’s literally nothing like him!

I am still really bitter about this, if you couldn’t tell. 

And then, the episode framing gets even shittier as all the mutants decide to commit treason. Except Julian, who has suddenly regained his senses, and is like “um. NO??????”

And here the narrative flips again. It’s showing off how Bashir is the exception to the genetic engineering rule, how he’s better than all these crazy people around him, that he’s Not Like That, he’s Better. And I’m just so furious because that’s so clearly how the narrative was positioning him, and it could have been done so much better. 

And then in the end, he stops them, is the Neurotypical Passing Hero™, and then just ushers them off to be somebody’s else’s problem again, basically. And doesn’t get that sweet, sweet feeling of belonging and understanding again. 

(I did like the one moment where he’s trying to explain the super science analysis reports to his friend and genuinely offers “I-I-I’d love to explain it to you if you didn’t understand it!” and O’Brien is so offended and thinks it’s because Julian thinks he’s stupid. I’ve done that a thousand times and it’s not because I think people are stupid — I just like knowledge and facts and sharing them so much I want to explain it over and over and make sure everyone is on the exact same page. It’s not that I think you’re stupid, it’s that I recently didn’t know this myself and want to share it! And I could see that in his tone and expression and this is why I love him.)

I’m still so furious at the way the episode kept flip-flopping on how it framed the mutants and Bashir’s actions and everything. Super manipulative. Super shitty. I know the show could have done better. I was extremely disappointed. 

So anyway. That’s what I think of Julian Bashir, in excruciating detail. I love the plotline, I wanna fight some of the details. tl;dr: I love him and this plot line on my own terms, in my own biased and revisionist interpretation, but the way the show treated some of it was disrespectful, ableist, and ignorant. I am glad to have had the experience of watching and thinking about it, though. Because now I can articulate some things that I experience with examples, and also I have a new life goal. To be able to stand on my own, but to be supported if I want it.