#anyways not trying to be woe is me I’m just like emotional bc it’s probably my last birthday here before I move away

[samgiddings]

having a weekend bday in august has a weird amount of problems

[edettethegreat]

BONUS ROUND (aka part 1.5)- Some additional things for staging King Lear so that Edmund is 100% more sympathetic

Part 1 

Due to the fact that the audience needs to be told things via physical action makes this job of mine (ie making Edmund more sympathetic) (that I definitely did not have to do) a whole lot more difficult.

I gotta add in some more stage directions to really push the points I’m going for. So that even the dumbest audience member will get my point.

Casting/ Costumes

-Curan, who I have previously decided is the Captain Edmund talks to later, has red hair. Like, a bright shade of red. Since it’s not a common hair color, the audience will be able to recognize that the same servant is now the captain. 

- regarding Cornwall’s costume- This is a very valid example of what I was trying to describe (but like- plus a black jacket)

-Edgar and Gloucester have a very strong family resemblance to each other. Edmund does not. In fact, Edmund looks almost nothing like them. (For example, if Edgar and Gloucester have dark brown hair, Edmund would have light blond hair.) (I know, I know- that’s not necessarily how genetics work. BUT. That’s also not not how genetics work.) 

-EXCEPT. Now hear me out because I’m right. Hear me out. This is good. Edmund and Gloucester share the same, very distinctive, eye color. So that when Gloucester’s eyes get stabbed out, it’s also severing the one strand of a connection he had with Edmund. ✨Symbolism!✨

ACT 1 SCENE 1

-At the start of the scene, the stage already has people on it. It’s like. A party kinda but not really? It’s a royal event- a bunch of noblepeople would be there. The Door (TM) (and by now (assuming you read part 1) you should know that The Door (TM) is one of my favorite set pieces here) is on the stage towards the middle in the back. 

-you can see Gloucester, Kent, and Edmund walking towards it, ie to enter and join the other guests in the room. There is no wall between “behind” the door and in front of it. Only an implied wall created by how the set is set up. So you can still see them. 

Here’s a not-so-helpful illustration:

I do recognize how unhelpful that illustration is. I’m sorry. 

-As they approach the door, Gloucester pauses, waiting. Kent stands behind him- waiting to see what he’s waiting for. As you’ve guessed by now, this Earl of Gloucester is waiting for his bastard son to open the door for him. (Headcanon that Gloucester treats Edmund like a servant 99% of the time. Headcanon that Edmund would rather be a servant, because at least servants can quit their jobs.)

-Edmund opens it. Kent’s just like “what- what just happened?”. But Gloucester enters, and Edmund seems to be waiting for him to enter as well, and so he does. (It was this, combined with everything I wrote in Part 1, that makes Kent ask “Is not this your son, my lord?”, ie ??he’s not a servant tho?? Why, Gloucester?? Why are you like this??)

-As I mentioned earlier (I think- Unless I was just planning on mentioning it, and I didn’t actually get around to doing so) (I don’t exactly write these things in order), Extras are already on stage. The whole stage has a “ah yes this is an upper class event. The people here are all fancy rich people” vibe. 

-As Gloucester has his epic conversation with Kent, other less high ranking noblemen stand around them as well.  They don’t say anything or join in- probably because they’re less higher ranking.I know nothing about the hierarchy of English nobility, but let’s just say that Gloucester and Kent are pretty high ranking people.

-anyway the only purpose of doing that is for the “make Gloucester 100% more of a jerk” aspect of this. 

-ie, he’s not just insulting Edmund in private, or in front of a close friend of his. He’s insulting him in public, in front of all the random noblemen. 

-everything else I wrote in Part 1 about this scene stays the same.

ACT 1 SCENE 2

-Edmund stands by the desk as he talks to Edgar. (As you’d remember from part 1, he was sitting at the desk as he started his 2nd soliloquy).

-at “Some villain hath done me wrong!” Edgar slams his hands down on the desk. Edmund backs away as he says his lines “That’s my fear....”. He sees that Edgar is really angry (yeah, no kidding.), and is like “oh.... oh he would not hesitate to kill me with his bare hands at the moment.”

ACT 2 SCENE 1

-at “and of my land?..... loyal and natural boy, I’ll work the means to make thee capable”, Gloucester is still facing away from Edmund/ not looking at him. He motions vaguely to him at the words “loyal and natural..”. The line is said in a way making it clear that by it he’s actually saying “well Edgar’s not a valid heir to my stuff anymore, what’ll I do with my land??.... ah, I guess Edmund will have to get them. Oh well.”

ACT 2 SCENE 2

-Not exactly a stage direction, but a second reason for why “his” in the sentence “no more, perchance, does mine, nor his, nor hers” is referring to Gloucester and not Edmund:  Kent’s response to this is “I have seen better faces in my time”, so “his” can’t be Edmund, since practically the first thing Kent says about Edmund in Act 1 Scene 1 is “hmmm yes that is a Nice Looking person”

-I’m revising what I said in part 1 (mainly just about where Edmund is standing on stage/ where everyone is standing on stage)- I’m changing this scene to be more in favor of @suits-of-woe​’s Cornwall Theory. (HEY PEOPLE, GO READ THE CORNWALL THEORY. I don’t just link it here for fun- I link it so you all can go read it)

-SO

-just to reiterate what I said last time about this scene- Edmund enters to break up Kent and Oswald’s fight with a sword (more specifically- Edgar’s two handed sword that he just used to fight Edgar and stab himself with). His arm is wounded from that one time about two seconds ago when he stabbed it. It’s been bandaged. He’s holding the sword well enough, but it’s clear that he wouldn’t be able to actually fight anyone with it.

-NOW MOVING ON TO NEW STUFF

-at “..come, I’ll flesh ye..”, Kent draws his sword and challenges Edmund. (Wait. His sword’s already drawn, right? Ok then nevermind, he just challenges Edmund.)

-Gloucester, Cornwall, and Regan Enter, and walk a bit onto the stage.

-At “Weapons! Arms! What’s the matter here??”, Gloucester notices the fight and takes like 5 steps away from it. It’s clear that he’s like “nope nope nope not dealing with this today-”

-Regan stays where she is. She’s not particularly scared of the fight, and knows that neither Kent nor Oswald would dare injure her, considering she’s literally the king’s daughter.

-Cornwall, however, at his lines of “Keep peace, upon your lives! He dies that strikes again!” moves to stand in between Edmund and Cornwall- ie facing Cornwall, in a way that would be protecting Edmund. He also is confident neither Kent nor Oswald would hurt him- he’s higher ranking than both of them.

(Illustrated for your convenience) (Scribbled out Edmund bc I didn’t know how tall to make him)

-Cornwall can see clearly that Edmund is in no condition to fight (at least not with a two handed sword). As the next few lines are said, Cornwall takes the sword from Edmund, in a “don’t worry about this- I got this” sort of way. He gently pushes Edmund towards where Gloucester and Regan are standing- in the same sort of way; showing “hey. I’ll deal with this. It’s not your job to defend us. Go chill with the rest of The Group.”

 ACT 3 SCENE 3

-remember when I said Gloucester is angry in this scene?

-yeah well I gotta really push that point using some ✨stage directions✨ rather than just “Gloucester yells a lot”

-ANYWAY

-The Door (TM) is turned sideways for this scene, and Gloucester and Edmund enter from the side of the stage

Here’s a totally helpful illustration 

-Gloucester is clearly angry, Edmund is Hiding His Emotions (TM). 

-Gloucester starts his lines while he grabs the doorknob and forcefully opening the door. As Gloucester storms on to the main part of the stage, he slams the door behind him, right before Edmund could walk through it after him. Because of course, Gloucester has to forget that Edmund exists at lest once a scene. Edmund stands outside the door for a sec, as if saying “......wow.”. Then he enters and joins Gloucester inside. 

ACT 5 SCENE 3

-As Albany says “Half blooded fellow, yes!”, last time I wrote that Edmund is momentarily surprised, then glares at him. This time I’m here to change this a bit-

At first I was picturing it like This:

But then I was like, “no,, that won’t make Edmund 100% more sympathetic- that would only make him like 65% more sympathetic.” 

-anyway, we gotta raise Albany’s aggression level. Because if they’re equally aggressive to each other The Audience might just. Not get it. They won’t get that we’re out here trying our hardest to make ya sympathize with Edmund.

-So. And Hear me out. Because this DOES have a point. I’m gonna get to it. So to raise Albany’s aggression levels here, Albany grabs Edmund’s tie or jabot (whatever neck piece the costume has. I don’t care how historically accurate the costumes are) and pulls him towards him (in like. An aggressive Way.) He lets go as soon as he finishes saying that one line- he only did it to prove he was serious about challenging Edmund. Either way, he did It in a more pulling forward motion than a grabbing on motion, and so now Edmund is standing on the other side of Albany. (Was this basically just a way for me to change where Edmund is standing? Maybe.)

-now that Edmund is standing on the other side of Albany, the scene continues as I wrote it out in part 1- ie Edmund glares at Albany. Except Albany is no longer standing in front of him (ie facing him). 

Here’s an illustration to help out-

So far, Edmund never glared at anyone (or showed his anger in general) straight to a person’s face. He always only lets his mask fall when he’s alone or when the subject of his anger can’t see him. So now it’s more consistent- their positions on the stage changed so that Edmund can still glare at Albany, and also doesn’t have to drop his act.

-AND THAT’S IT-

 (-FOR NOW-)

[gg-astrology]

if you’re still doing combos, libra sun + cancer moon 💕 thank you

Hey there! 💕 Yes I am!!💕💕 I hope u like it ;; 

[Below Cut: Libra Sun - Cancer Moon 🦀 ] 

phew these people!

I feel like with Libra/Cancer there’s a sense of ‘courage’ in them? They aren’t afraid to get messy and right into sticky business sometimes (areas where Capricorn/Aries might jerk away from)

It’s bravery, to face and figure out pieces of ‘truth’ from situation that requires them to get a lil messy and may sometimes ‘hurt’ other people’s feeling even if they don’t realize it

Like,,, sometimes truth hurts y know?? But the thing about these people is that they’re brave. So they aren’t afraid to question what they know, what they don’t, what they feel/don’t and then try to find something that ‘balances’ it all

In a way, Libra’s diplomacy makes them adept at deflecting and defending themselves. ‘Talk to me in a civilized manner and I’ll address you with such’ kind of deal

Can make them a ‘lil’ unsympathetic and snobby sometimes, but it’s mostly bc they work so hard to get it others have to ‘work’ to get it too yknow?

Can be lazy, but will never like to ‘easy way out’ to something. These people are cautious and astute, comfortable but also formidable.

They’re the crab and the scale, and the representation matters.

One is an inanimate object, it may make the person a lil unsympathetic even when they’re trying to be ‘civilized’ or fair-- it makes them cast judgement/rules/conditions on others without appealing to their compassion/human sense (people work best when you’re not being-- y know, defensive or guarded towards them, gate-keep somewhat)

While the crab represents a soft inner being, a softer more vulnerable, nurturing side that needs to somehow come through. It’s defensive tho, snap it’s claws even when there’s nothing there. It tells others to ‘stay away’ without the Libra/Cancer native realizing. Sometimes-- no matter how kind or knowledgeable they are, they can be somewhat unapproachable because they don’t know how to fully appeal to people in a healthy, sensitive, emotional way.

Give first before ye demand, although they may think ‘this is true’ in regards to how others treat them. They also need to realize they may rarely give to others without ‘conditions’ set on the things they give as well.

Think Pisces, the thing about Cancer Moon is that it’s highly perceptive and intuitive. But Cancer has great potential to be both ‘Scorpio’ in nature and ‘Pisces’ as well. Think of em’ as your shell and inner flesh. 

It’s easier to ‘Have a Shell’ than it does to ‘Open Up’ to others truthfully. This isn’t asking you to like--- expose your vulnerability or something you’re uncomfortable with. It’s asking you to be compassionate first, sympathetic and less conditional, more dreamy. Give others benefit of the doubt sometimes.

Your Libra will keep you inline-- just trust your water that if you let go and let yourself be kind and soft to others, you’ll get the same thing back. Maybe even more appreciation-- which you’d love-- even more with how you approach others socially.

In a way it’s like, Cancer is both your strength and your disadvantage? it empowers you, it gives you strength. But it also makes you lonely because it wants recognition but doesn’t know how to get it. 

Be gentle, be open. Try to think Pisces (I keep mentioning this bc Cancer may have a harder time with ‘lighter’ stuff than ‘darker’ stuff. They’re moody, always emotional but they have to learn how to be in-touch with their optimism/up-lifitng/’lighter water’ side as well. Swimming, fluid, flexible. It’s what the lesson is teaching you. Be adaptable. Be both, the hard and soft. Get to show and know the soft even more than the ‘hard’ and maybe you’ll help your Libra more)

The thing with these square signs is that Libra does want tranquility, to get along, to measure and let things come equally, naturally, fairly. Yet it can be quite passive (despite being cardinal) Libra can wait too long, expect others to come to them. Expect others to ‘realize’ how to reach/treat them without fully acknowledging how it’s treating others.

This ‘mirroring’ aspect of Libra only works to the extent where they don’t realize the slightest bit of opposition makes them ‘skrt’ away from it into the defensive/aggressive immediately. ‘Don’t follow me!! We’ll deal with it when I’m ready!!!’

Cancer can be part of Libra’s bad coping mechanism, bad habit they may need to face. Their emotional fluctuation makes them ‘not feel ready’ for things/people/situation-- can make them stiff, less flexible and stubborn against other people’s concern. 

But anyways, let’s talk about the good part too?

The good thing is---you never lose touch of your emotionality. It might sound like ‘wow big surprise (not)’ but trust me, if you were ever numb to your own emotions then you’re probably fucked (or fucked up pretty bad)

(*if you are tho, you’ll need to ground yourself. Find like a Taurus or Capricorn. They’re good at shaking your shoulders and making you come into consciousness again.)

To others, your outside persona is so charming?

Libra gives off an air of peace and serenity, while Cancer may act as your sharper edge sometimes (your moods will influence how receptive you are to others) but overall–generally, Libra/Cancer people tend to be kind and forgiving, nurturing and generous.

You may pride yourself on being a ‘realistically nice’ person. As in, you’re not a push-over and you have an edge, but you’d like to think there are ‘rules’ that are fair, and within that you can treat everyone equally ‘nicely’. 

You do your best to keep it optimistic, without over-balancing yourself with what you can/can’t do for people (again, not a push-over) -- Although sometimes, there can be opportunities where you hesitate, where you want to ‘take a chance’ with something but waited too long and became too cautious again. 

Go for it! Usually these opportunities are rare, and it’s not often that you’ll get to go on ‘adventures’ like this. You’re mostly concerned about being unprepared, maybe being useless/depending on the other person. But don’t worry about it?

It’s good to let yourself go. If your friend shows up at your house and say ‘lets get it’ -- you won’t have time to think and organize a backpack to take with you, y know? Trust, and rely on others sometimes. It will be ok.  

Ahh you always try to give other people realistic opinions, and options they can take with them (to make meaningful stuff out of it)--  making sure they don’t lead themselves (necessarily) down a darker/wrong path, that’s part of what you’re optimistic/try to exude out so others can take with them about (an angel 🧚‍♀️-- I know the emoji’s a fairy but it’s the only one I have ;; )

Maybe this is just from an outsider’s perspective….but mayhaps you’re the most reactive when someone goes against you (challenges you) than you are in ur everyday self (lovely, diplomatic, resourceful and caring)  

Very woe-is-me, did you realize you get really ‘:|’ about it??? You’ll obviously try to brush it off, not let it get to you ( ‘I have my own/more important shit to think about’)--- but you do care, and turning yourself away from that compromises your compassion and your integrity as well.

It’s ok to take it hard when handling confrontations/people challenging you, what matters is that you learn how to admit that there are things you’re bad at. Or isn’t good at learning.

I think a part of you knows that you don’t do very well with criticism....sometimes constructive criticism when you’re not prepared for it can get you defensive (bc you’re sensitive after all, no matter how much you ‘harden’ it or ‘hide’ it)

Learn how to admit.....and ask others for help, to be patient. Give yourself the space and time to work on this. Don’t expect yourself to just-- be good at it on the first go. But it’s better than denying this to your death bed you know? (I have no doubt you can and will if no-one points it out, you’re incredibly stubborn when you want to be after all.

If you noticed any pattern of you blaming others more than yourself-- it’s probably likely that you were closing off/acting up again some of those instances. Try to evaluate your sensitivity and-- again, take a deep breath and ‘think pisces’. 

Get in touch with keeping your eyes wide, being open and compassionate while being truthful even when it’s uncomfortable to open yourself up so vulnerably is necessary to learn. Remember-- Pisces is also ruler of Jupiter, and Libra can work better with that kind of energy than Cancer sometimes. So be the Best You You Can Possibly Be To Another Person.) 

One thing to note is that you are responsive, while you may also be assertive you are also responsive and much more easily swayed by responses than you’d like to admit. To learn that, take it with you atleast. Make it better for yourself, don’t close yourself off to ‘protect’ your vulnerabilities-- learn to strengthen it by being open, instead of closed-off instead. 

It’ll help you not take it harder on urself as well, Cancer can pent up some stuff y know? So it’s good to know how to ‘let go’ -- so you don’t have to resort to being passive-aggressive sometimes. 

If you need another take on Libra-Cancer squares: Cancer Moons can be quite moody and take responses to things pretty hard. And while the general attitude it exudes off invites mayhem— Libra Sun wants to keep peace, keep diplomacy, keep it’s stance. So it’s like.

If you want to attract good energy then BE that good energy. Your Cancer Moon has more emotions than just being skeptical or critical of something/someone— it could be used to garner attraction to you that would benefit and help your Libra Sun. 

You just gotta be conscious of it, of what you’re exuding out. Because /thats/ whats causing oppositions in your life (whether it’s people irl or on the internet) – people aren’t necessarily jealous or have an agenda out against you for some reason. It’s mostly to do with your own attitude that demeans and attract those kinds of things to you because you’re always ‘looking out in case it happens’ for it.

You are at your best when you are kind, understanding. NOT unrelenting and frustratingly constricted to just yourself. When your Cancer starts to deflect, and Libra tries to control the situation - this is why you’re ‘tense’ and ‘need to stew’ sometimes. 

Reach out to others and truly, learn how to let them guide you/be a good influence on you. If you can have it, let yourself learn/grow how to be open-hearted and open-minded to others as well.

The tension with this square aspect is that it can be the person somewhat moody, always emotional and use their intellect and passiveness as a defensive tactic. 

They think they’re hard but they’re rather soft. You’re the most successful when you are passionate about something, when you do care and realize that you care. You can approach people with genuine love and nurturing kindness. But that comes with the territory of learning how to get/heal past hurt and not let it jade you as well.

I hope this is helpful!! 💕 Thanks for sending this in~ 💕

[notesofarichlycolorednight]

Get to Know the Writer Tag Thing

idk if that’s the actual name lol, i just copied and pasted the questions and came up with my own title ^_^;

was tagged by @queen-of-ice101, thanks babe. these are always fun to do

1. Pen or Pencil

i don’t think i’ve written fanfic on paper in forever wow, but when i did (or occasionally will do), i always used pen. i hate making mistakes and having to clumsily cross it out, but pens are smoother and don’t make noise. honestly writing with a good pen on a thick pad of paper is a stim for me

2. Have you ever drawn your OC’s?

twice. and of only one of my ocs. both for inktober 2018. other than that, not really. i’d like to get into drawing more, but i’m just really more of a writer at this point in my life. also drawing ppl??? is so hard???

3. Does your writing ever make you cry?

not that i can remember. chapter 49 in i need another story almost made me cry, but mostly when i’m thinking abt painful scenes, my heart aches. even then, once i’ve envisioned it a lot, the ache eventually disappears. unless i forget abt it, then come back to it, or if it’s just a really painful scene, then the ache never really goes away when i’m thinking abt the scene

but no, bc i guess they’re my ideas. i’m expecting them, i’m writing them, and eventually become desensitized to them

4: If your Muse was a person, what would they look like?

okay so i’m confused by the wording of the question. bc at first i thought muses could be anything. then it occurred to me that they might only be ppl??? or at least take human-like shape bc they’re, i’m assuming, based on the nine muses of greek mythology, who take human shape/form.

maybe i’m reading too much into the question. anyway, my muse has never been a person/taken human shape if i’m honest. it’s been more of an amorphous blob that i haven’t really felt the need to give shape/form to. so to tell you what it would look like as a person...don’t know if i can do that lol

my muse is way more abstract, and i’ve never felt the need to make it concrete in any way

5: Which of your pieces would you choose to be remembered for?

like most writers, i’d like to be remembered for a published book of my own work. read riordan gave me an idea to base a book around chinese mythology, and which takes place in china. who knows, i may even write it in chinese first bc i’d like to become that fluent. the trick to this answer is that right now, this idea is also just an amorphous blob rn lol. i don’t have the time to do the research or flesh out the plot/characters (i don’t even really have those two things lmao). much too busy for that i’m afraid ;_; there is a one-act play i wrote for my creative writing class i’m particularly proud of currently

if i were to pick my fanfic i’d prob have to say itps--the oc pjo story. but only bc i’ve worked so long and so hard on it, and on my oc. if you asked me again in five years, i’d probably tell you smth different.

and i mean that’s the thing to this question. i’m still super young, and i have so much time to write more and continue to grow as a writer, so to choose smth to be remembered for so young almost seems unfair, tbh

6: How much have you written or worked on your WIP so far today?

LMAO ZIP, ZLICH, ZERO

my amorphous muse has gone dormant. i wouldn’t say fled if only bc i think i’ve unconsciously made it dormant so i can focus on finishing my master’s thesis

like would i love to write??? YES OF COURSE, I WOULD BE DOWN TO WRITE ANYTHING AT THIS POINT

but when i go to write, i find i physically cannot (bc smth psychologically is going on up there; could be stress, could be writer’s block, it’s probably those two and a multitude of other things). bc part of me knows that i can’t involve myself in such a big project (even small one-shots) bc i need to be completely focused on my thesis. the other part of me feels unable to control this ability to start writing. which is the worst part

schrödinger’s amorphous muse: when will my muse return from war? my muse has already returned from war.

woe is me

7: Have you ever based a piece (or a portion of a piece) on a dream?

don’t think i have. my dreams tend to be too weird to base a piece or portion of a piece on. if i was writing a fantasy story, it may fit in better. but currently, i write stuff that is based in more realistic-fiction worlds so

like i have very weird dreams. also many of them are stress dreams related to bathrooms (ugh) and school (ugh x2). as if i want to base smth that brings me joy on smth that stresses me out

8: Do you prefer silence, a little noise (music, ambient noise, fan etc) or a lot of noise when you’re writing?

it really depends on the mood i’m in

sometimes i’ll want to listen to talking, but it has to be smth i’ve watched a million times or don’t care abt at all if i am to concentrate on writing. they could be tv shows or video essays, etc. but that’s mostly if i’m not writing like fun/fictional stuff with plot and storyline, bc the talking then just interrupts my train of thought. unless i’ve seriously watched it so much/couldn’t care less abt what i’ve put on

mostly i’ll listen to music. i don’t have playlists, as much as i wish i did. my music library just isn’t that big. i’m such a picky person when it comes to music. and also i have so many other things i want to do than make playlists honestly. like i’m envious of ppl who make playlists, and i’m not saying that those who do make playlists have nothing else to do like at all. not my intention at all. however, at the same time, making them isn’t one of my top priorities

anyway, depending on my mood i’ll listen to the same song(s) on repeat again while i write. sometimes the song matches the mood of the scene i write, but it doesn’t always have to

sometimes i’ll start a song but get so into the scene that when the song ends, i don’t turn it back on anymore bc i don’t need it. sometimes some scenes require a lot of concentration that i can’t listen to anything. i actually need/prefer silence

i’ll only listen to ambient noise if i’m trying to drown out other noises, and only when i’m writing academic papers lol

9: Do you have any routines before you sit down to write?

nope lol. some scenes i’ll imagine for weeks before sitting down to write them bc thinking abt how the scene will play out helps me fall asleep, but also helps me figure out exactly how the scene will play out so when i do sit down to write, it flows so easily onto the page

unfortunately this doesn’t happen with everything i write--only the big, emotional scenes. and even then, i imagine these scenes as movies scenes, so when i go to write, there’s a lot more detail i have to think abt and add in ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

other than that, i don’t really have any routines i absolutely need to do before i sit down to write...i mean does opening all the folders i need, including the folders on my flashdrive so i can easily save and then transfer the saved document to my flashdrive count?

10: Have you ever participated in NaNoWrimo or a Camp?

i wish! but no. never had the time. like WHY NOVEMBER DO YOU KNOW HOW BUSY STUDENTS GET DURING NOVEMBER THAT’S LIKE THE ABSOLUTE WORST TIME TO HOLD IT FOR WRITERS WHO ARE STUDENTS

and like i get that the whole point of it is to get ppl who say things like “never had the time” to write. but that’s the thing, it’s not like inktober, where it encourages a very armature artist (i.e., me) to draw at least one thing everyday. i already love to write and i already write when i can if i don’t have writer’s block and my amorphous muse wants to cooperate

so when i say “i don’t have time” it’s bc it’s in the middle of the fucking semester and i’m swamped with midterms and papers and my ga-ship which requires me to help everyone else who are also scrambling on midterm papers like jeezums i’m not bitter or anything

i know that camp tho has other sessions that aren’t in novemeber, so we’ll see if i decide to participate in those. i can really only focus on one story at a time, esp if it’s a big story i’m really invested in. so participating while i’m researching and writing fanfic would be difficult for me. also the pressure to do the research i want to do in such a short amt of time would probably not be conducive for me, just personally. esp on top of another story where i’m researching and writing (even if i do put it aside to focus on camp) but since i’ve never participated, i wouldn’t know if any of that is necessarily true

thanks again for tagging me! i’ll tag two ppl i know who are writers lol; and as always with these things, feel free to fill this out or not: @talking0fmichelangel0 @lucifers-favorite-child

if you follow me or we’re mutuals and i have failed to realize you’re a writer, feel free to fill these out but tag me so i can read your answers

[cookinguptales]

under a cut bc honestly I’m not super proud of this post lol

with the caveat that I’m super sick and hormonal

This is exactly the kind of post that I’d put under a cut on lj — personal, kind of dumb, mostly a vent post. I know I’m being bratty and I don’t want to rain on anyone’s parade?? But man!! I haven’t really had the time or stamina to watch the new Osomatsu-san episode, but boy have I gotten the gist of it from friends!! And I get why people are happy about the whole ~chibita got laid~ (and by a dude!) thing, but I just!! It’s been a bad week and I’m a hardcore monoshipper and so I’ve just taken the news with distress!

And like karamatsu/chibita has really become my comfort/vent ship in the past year or so (which…I should probably work on, honestly, not sure it’s healthy to put so much emotional energy into such a stupid pairing) so I’d usually just write some k/c to get my mind off of stressful things, but considering that it’s one of the things that’s causing me stress... It was a bad week to have one half of my OTP hook up with another character! (Especially a character whose shippers have harassed me in the past, like why.)

All this means that I’ve retreated to my usual way of dealing with stressful times (see: taking pills for back spasms, vomiting up said pills, repeat, trying to be a good daughter to both of my parents while feeling like shit), which is making up like 1000 stories in my head! But I can’t just do my usual k/c formula bc that’s all been mixed up, which means like all of these stories are just ways of handwaving the events of this episode so my ship still works!! And that makes me feel like an annoying fan who can’t handle having her ship messed up!

like only a few of the stories my painkiller-addled mind has been cooking up:

Karamatsu learns that Chibita fucked Hatabou, he becomes very sullen and jealous bc he’s secretly been into Chibita, fighting ensues, they eventually kiss and make up.

Karamatsu learns that Chibita has actually had quite a bit of casual sex during the gap between seasons (look, he had to be doing something. or someone. or someones.) and so he somehow gets it into his head that if he fucks Chibita REALLY WELL, like better than anyone, he’ll woo him and he’ll be the one guy Chibita stays with. This all comes crashing down the first time they make out and Karamatsu comes in his pants. Chibita can’t figure out why Karamatsu’s so upset until he finally pries out of him that he thinks he’s wrecked his One True Chance to make Chibita fall for him. Chibita has to patiently explain that look, the other people were just sex, he actually has feelings for Karamatsu and isn’t going to dump him just because Chibita has to train him a little. (Note: I also thought a lot about Chibita training Karamatsu so I mean I’m sorry I’m just really hormonal right now.)

This was actually Chibita’s first time and he feels really, really conflicted. Like on one hand, he always secretly kind of wanted his first time to be romantic. He wanted it to be with someone he really loved. On the other hand… doesn’t matter, had sex. (Like I like love potion dubcon as much as the next person, but it’s still dubcon. Might result in some mixed feelings.)

Like honestly, a whole lot of scenarios that involve “okay but that sex was just physical release and didn’t actually mean anything to me???” bc I am apparently a petty bitch who can’t handle her fave having actual feelings for a living person other than the person I ship him with.

I even briefly considered stuff where Hatabou actually tries courting Chibita but it doesn’t work out. And Chibita’s like “he’s nice, he’s rich, he’s got a big dick?? why don’t I love him??” And then Chibita just has to come to terms with the fact that, like me, he has terrible taste and really wants Karamatsu. (Who again, has been drowning in woe.)

AND LOOK, I know that I can’t actually write any of this stuff without being a dick!! But it makes me feel better, okay? Maybe I’ll even just. Write it and keep it on my hard drive… God knows I have mentally written enough scenarios where like. The flower fairy comes back and Karamatsu is desolate because he’s sure Chibita’s going to dump him but then Chibita chooses to stay with him instead, shocking everybody.

I never said I was a good fan! I am a bad fan who was only watching this show for the ship I have mostly fabricated in my mind and hundreds of thousands of words of melodramatic fanfic! I hate it when I know my feelings are dumb and don’t even make sense. I knew something like this was going to happen and it’s why I was initially going to peace out of the fandom before the second season started. It’s why I hate writing for open canons. So I know I brought all this on myself!!

And yet. It’s been an emotional week, okay, let me have this one vent post.

(PS: I swear to fucking god Hatabou was already the murder victim in my noir AU, you can ask ANYONE, I showed my outline to people MONTHS ago and discussed writing it for NaNo WEEKS ago. lmao. I just killed him off in the noir fic because the rich dude always gets it in the back!! I had like zero feelings about Hatabou before this Monday, but how the tides have turned!!)

...anyway, long story short, that’s why I’ve been refusing to give Hatabou food in shimamatsu for the past day. You’re fucking rich, Hatabou, get your own milk! Ya goddamn homewrecker.

[janiedean]

I think you're being a little too hard on dany. Yeah, she hasn't had exactly the best tenure as queen, she's made lots of mistakes, but when you think about it, it's not entirely her fault. 1) she hasn't had the education that say, jon, tyrion or robb had, she was never supposed to be queen, for most of her life, the only things she knew about westeros were things viserys told her, which was likely very biased and not 100% accurate, she was on the run most of her life and then sold at 13 -

-to a man she doesn’t know. 2) during her tenure we can’t say she has had the wisest, brightest counseling, the best is probably barristan and it’s not saying much, barristan is a knight, not a ruler. This is why i can’t wait for her to meet tyrion, he would be the best adviser she could ever have, if then, with his cousel, she still fails, then maybe we can talk about her not being fit to rule. The context she’s in is also very different from anything she knows, from the free cities to what -little she knows about westeros, and she can’t really trust most of the local advisers… i don’t think many people would do better than her in this situation. Also jon is also a flawed ruler, I like him a lot better the dany, but he’s had a better education then her and isn’t ruling in a context he isn’t familiar with. Besides we like him as a ruler bc we are inside his mind, we know what he thinks, why he does what he does, we see him as pragmatic, open minded, and we love him for that, but -but where he fails is communicating his plans to his subordinates, not only bowen marsh & co, even his friends (those he doesn’t send away, another mistake!! the saying goes keep your friends close, your enemies closer, he forgot the first part), to them he’s betraying the watch by allowing the freefolk south the wall, if he only could communicate, maybe he wouldn’t be dead now… I do believe he’ll get better, learn from his mistakes, but so will dany. I’m not criticising, just discussing, i -hope you’re not offended :)) sorry for the long ask

man I don’t get offended because someone has different opinions than me on a fictional character and they’re nice about expressing them don’t worry xD It takes a lot to get me offended over nicely expressed opinions about fictional people ;)

anyway on to it: I’ll admit I’m probably a bit biased about dany in the sense that like, premise: I don’t hate her or anything and I think she’s fairly okay and I did like her povs up until asos, and then the ones in adwd were imo in dire need of an editor bringing an axe to them and I found them so boring that I probably don’t remember half of what happened so like, my opinions on dany are probably not as reliable as my opinions on theon or robb or jaime or people I’m actually interested in and whose povs I re-read more than once, but.

I agree that she hasn’t had an education in that sense, but thing is: these people we’re mentioning are all kids (never mind that the adults don’t do much better but still) and out of them, jon is the only one who’s managed to hold his own except for his PA problem because he sucks at communicating (that’s why he and robb would have been an a+ team haha) and the thing with dany is that… like… I don’t know how the hell to put it, but she has too many good intentions and too badly done executions.

like, you’re totally right that she hasn’t had the education and she has only viserys to tell her about westeros and barristan is a knight and not a ruler and so on, and tyrion is probably a better choice for her as an advisor than anyone else she’s had until now, but the thing is that she’s…. very sure that she’s right and she’s also immature in a way that’s fairly worrying. okay, she can get better, of course, but what I’m thinking is, never mind not listening to people when being told she couldn’t turn over the slavery system overnight or that crucifying people as a punishment because she thinks it’s deserved it’s perfectly fine, that IN THE BOOK she chunked out her perfect opportunity to go to westeros because she thought quentyn wasn’t hot.

like, it’s one of the few parts I remember clearly from adwd because I couldn’t stop thinking what the hell, but basically: you’ve been wanting to go to westeros since book one, you get a guy giving you an entire fleet and an alliance with dorne if you marry him and you tell him no while thinking if you had looked like your hot friend with you I might have said yes? like, the thing is that if you want to *rule* you can’t let yourself be ruled by that kind of thing. and fine, she’s a teenager so it’s normal that she wants to bang the hot guy or has the hots for daario and so on, but if you want to be a queen or a ruler then you… have to set it aside? in the show they made her do it (at least) and maybe in the book she’s getting there but fact is, there isn’t one thing she got right in mereen and her entire mindset of approaching ruling imo is completely flawed. 

and I mean, robb was fucked the moment he won at the whispering wood because if tywin lannister is planning your demise treacherously then you’re a dead man walking if he doesn’t die first but his worst mistakes were made out of consequences of impulsive decisions he took in a bad emotional moment (losing the frey alliance because he slept with jeyne because theon betrayed him and so on) and he did have the education. the reason I think jon’s the one with the best tenure out of the three (because his achilles’s heel is that he’s an introvert with bad communication issues mainly) is that he’s the only one who has - until now - managed to keep emotions and duty separate and even when he didn’t he did it later (ie he could have just defected and have all the red haired children in the world with ygritte but he didn’t), and when ruling he can separate his needs from what he has to do (which is why stannis likes him or at least one of the reasons why). and even if he’s too hard on himself (DON’T SHUT YOUR FRIENDS OUT JON) if you don’t count his miscommunication issues you know he’s pragmatic, he can weigh bad vs good consequences and that’s why I think that jon/dany if it happens will happen because it’s ultimately the best tactical choice and he’s gonna do it but without necessarily enjoying it. like, we’re also in dany’s head during adwd and in his and imo there was a really stark difference (hahahahaha puns!) in between how he approached ruling and how she did. and fine, he had the advantage of doing it somewhere he knew, but I really doubt jon got the exact same education as robb when it came to becoming lord of winterfell (and robb had an education for that, not for kingship, and he said it - I’m trying to do the best I can but idk what the fuck I’m doing) and he basically’s going out of WHAT WOULD MY FATHER HAVE DONE + WHAT HAVE PEOPLE TAUGHT ME ON THE WALL which imo is not all necessarily healthy (like, kill the boy and let the man be born has good sides and bad sides…) and with that he still managed to find a way to replenish the ranks, find food for winter, solve their financial woes, find allies against the white walkers and if he could have managed his PA and done some cultural integration his plan was to end the war with the wildlings too which has been a thing since forever? like, he’s flawed but eventually he’s the only one out of all the teenagers in a ruling position in westeros who was going somewhere and who had a vision he knew how to act on and who wasn’t putting feelings over needs, and on top of that the battle with the wildlings was basically him organizing the entire defenses and behaving like a seasoned commander at what, fifteen? sixteen? robb was probably better at that ngl and it shows they did have the same education there, but he did all of that without dragons and with an understaffed NW. and where did he fuck up? when he broke down and said he was going to winterfell to find arya.

as in, when it got personal. the one time that started the revolt was the one time he put feelings over needs. except that he did it once, dany’s done that for the entirety of her tenure while instead when she was khaleesing she was actually doing a lot better than average because I mean since she’s not an asshole she treats her warriors with respect and not as if they’re disposable slaves and she’s entirely more compassionate than the average. like, for a khaleesi she’s really really really good, as a ruler she’s really not as much and it’s personality-driven too. same as I think jon would be a terrible khal but is a very good ruler/defender. and when I say that imo dany’s better off khaleesing in essos it’s not because I don’t like her, it’s because I honestly think she’d do more good and do better with that lifestyle than on the iron throne. also because she’s there to deconstruct the whole ‘CONQUEROR WHO COMES FROM OUTSIDE AND MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER’ type and idk if she gets on the throne in westeros it’s really too obvious and not at all a deconstruction unless both she and jon hate it, so *shrug*.

I mean, obviously both will learn from their mistakes and there’ll be character development - I don’t think that hers necessarily means becoming a good ruler because until she learns to distinguish feelings and needs and to be less emotion-driven (and until she learns that she’s not always right just because she’s daenerys targaryen and the blood of the dragon) she won’t get there. hopefully tyrion’s counseling might get her there, but my point is that jon already has the right priorities sorted and he has a personality/way of thinking that lends itself to that job, dany imo doesn’t.

but that’s me obviously. also again I’m not a dany expert and like, I don’t hate her but my opinions on dany are what they are, don’t expect the same level of me having thought it through as my opinions re characters I actually care about xD

[kaytewrites]

the quick release || masquerada: songs and shadows || chapter seven

(a/n: i am SO SORRY for the wait but like… life comes @ u fast y'all but its here!!! chapter 7!!!! and i’ve officially given up bc i think it’ll probably be another two chapters before this is over but like i said that two chapters ago and HERE WE ARE ANYWAY so like… be patient w/ me blease im trying ;^;

i made this an extra 1000 words bc y'all had to wait so long n im sorry but i hope y'all like it!

more kisses for the boys. more boys kissing. more boys being vulnerable and soft w/ each other. it’s Good all around.)

also on AO3!

They eventually wander back to the carriage - Alena instantly perks at seeing them emerge from the brush, shouting a happy “Hello, sirs!” while Ricardo blinks himself awake.

“Did you have a good time, sirs?” Alena chirps, far too chipper for how late (or how early) it is.

Tristan nods, glancing back at Vasco. He’s still got that ridiculous smile on his face, the faintest brush of red around his jaw where Tristan’s beard had rubbed it raw.

“Of course, dear Alena!” Vasco’s voice is just as chipper. It makes Tristan want to laugh, or kiss him, or both. It’s new, this want that blooms in his chest and makes his fingers grip his cane a little tighter.

Tristan shakes his head and hobbles back onto the carriage. “Hope nothing bothered you out here - sorry for keeping you both up so late.”

“’Sfine,” Ricardo mutters. “Not like we would’ve been sleeping anyway.”

Alena elbows him, making him glare at his sister. “What he meant to say is that it’s no trouble at all, Valencio.”

Tristan raises an eyebrow. “As long as both of you are fine.” Tristan settles on his seat, Vasco settling next to him just like he did on the ride here - but it feels different, now. Vasco makes sure to settle on his left side, snaking a hand between them in the dark to twine his fingers in Tristan’s own, and it’s all so adolescent and silly that he can’t stop the little laugh that bubbles up from his throat.

“What?” Vasco mumbles, but the grin on his face says he knows exactly why Tristan’s a step away from giggling.

He decides to change topics, speaking low. “Do you think the twins are alright?”

Vasco frowns, a quick twitch of his lips. “Not at all. Cicero spends more time with them than I do, and Kalden besides. They might be the ones to speak to. Suddenly concerned with the Tvothes welfare?”

Tristan nods. “Yes, I suppose. I’ve seen neither hide nor hair of a parent the entire time they’ve been with the Registry. They’ve been with us for a year now, maybe two. I know the Citte isn’t - wasn’t - isn’t kind to the Contadani, but I never thought…”

“Orphans were always more of a Sorelle affair, weren’t they?” Vasco’s voice is carefully blank, nonchalant in a way Tristan is learning means he cares far more than he lets on.

Tristan casts a glance to the twins; Alena is staring forward, chipper demeanor lost now that she doesn’t think eyes are on her. There are dark circles under her eyes from what he can see, and she slumps in her seat, exhausted. All of this he could attribute to the time, but considering her behavior earlier… Ricardo fares no better, either, though he wears his exhaustion plainly, not hiding it behind a cheery veneer.

He resolves to ask Cicero about the twins’ welfare once they return. He carefully settles his head on Vasco’s shoulder, wrapping his arm around the other man’s waist.

“The world is changing,” he thinks he hears Vasco say, but he’s asleep between one breath and the next.

They arrive back at Seimora’s Throne in the early hours of the morning, the horizon just barely tinged with the light of the sun. The twins give them both a salute as they disembark, looking more dead on their feet than ever.

“Do they have rooms here?” Tristan asks Vasco, to which he nods.

“They’ll stable the horses first, because they’re nothing if not dependable, and rest for the day - well, Ricardo will. Alena will probably sleep for an hour before forcing herself awake again.” Vasco shakes his head, tutting. “The girl never stops. She’s officially apprenticed, did you know that? Artigiani, if I’m not mistaken. Ricardo, too, though he is a Fabra.”

Tristan did not know. He didn’t even think the twins had the aptitude for that kind of careful maskwork - and yet, here they are. Color him surprised.

Vasco looks at him with some inscrutable emotion in his eyes. “You’ve always been a Masquerada, Tristan.” The smile on his face is not unkind, but it’s - it’s as though he’s staring a thousand yards off, reliving something in memory. “This is entirely normal for a Contadani.”

And of course Tristan knew. He knew how bad it was, he was Valencio, how could he not? But there was politics, and people, and Maskrunners - and somewhere along the way, the Contadani got left on the wayside.

He starts walking toward the Throne, a frown on his face. Vasco is just a step behind.

“Tristan, are you alright? You seem unfocused.”

It’s Kalden’s voice that breaks him out of his reverie. It’s been three days since his excursion, and he’s been absent-minded ever since, thoughts always finding a way to twist back to Vasco, or the Contadani, or the Tvothes. “I’m fine, Kalden. Why do you ask?”

“Mmm. I can see why you and Cicero are so close. You both do the same thing when there’s something on your mind.” He removes his hand from Tristan’s stump, handing his shirt back to him. Tristan tugs it on, tying off the end on his right arm while Kalden speaks. “Deflect to me so I can inform you what your tells are. Cicero does it far more than you do, but that may be because I spend more time with him.” Kalden sighs, shaking his head. “Both of you are a mess.”

“I do not-”

Kalden silences him with a look, and Tristan shuts his mouth.

He finishes tugging on his shirt before he speaks again.

“Vasco, I suppose. The Tvothes, too, but…” Tristan shrugs. “Were you ever Contadani, Kalden?”

The only thing betraying his annoyance is a twitch of the eyebrow and his carefully measured tone. “A rather personal question, Valencio.”

He winces. “Sorry. It’s just-”

Kalden smiles, annoyance smoothing over into understanding. “You might just be the only one of this little circle that hasn’t been Contadani, Tiziana excluded. And I presume this question doesn’t come from nowhere. Perhaps something to do with what’s been bothering you?”

“Now who’s asking pointed questions,” Tristan mutters, but doesn’t answer.

Kalden is silent for a long moment, pulling his mask from his face and letting it fade into the ether. He huffs. “Alright, Tristan. Cicero’s door, as well as mine, are always open to you.” There’s a strange twist to his mouth as he speaks the next, his eyes almost guarded. “If there is anything - anything - you may wish to speak about, we are always here for you.”

Tristan feels as though he’s missing something, but he’s already pushed as far as he dares. He doesn’t want to break the bounds of Kalden’s kindness - woe be unto the man that turns a good man hard, and all that. “Thank you,” he says instead.

Kalden nods. “If there’s any more phantom pain, tell me. There are some exercises I want to go through with you next time.” He levers himself off the chair next to the bed, heading for the door. “I think I’ve taken enough of your time today, though, Tristan.”

“You’re never a burden, Kalden. It’s always a pleasure to see you.” Tristan speaks with a smile. He really does enjoy the other man’s company, for all his occasional crypticism. At least he’s not as bad as Vasco.

And then, there’s that same almost-guarded look in Kalden’s eyes. “I was serious when I said - anything,” he says.

Tristan struggles to put together what he means - it’s obvious there’s something he’s missing, something Kalden hopes he’ll put together himself so he won’t have to speak it aloud. “Alright,” he responds slowly, hoping Kalden will just assume he understands.

Kalden just sighs, giving him a wave as he leaves. Damn. Guess he wasn’t that convincing after all.

He likes to think now that everything’s over, this is the easy part. He’s missing an arm, sure, and he’s still limping, months after the worst chapter of his life closed with his almost-death, but he’s alive. The Citte is alive. The Consilio argue, sure, but they agree more often than not and that’s a miracle in and off itself. The guilds have become more peaceable, less fractured. It’s a world Tristan never thought he’d see. It’s a world he’s glad to wake up to.

Not everything is perfect, though.

He dreams like this: snapshot images of the Spire burning around him, smoke in his lungs his throat his eyes - he blinks, and the world changes, stars in his eyes and cold in his chest. He reaches for a sword he doesn’t have with an arm he doesn’t have, either, and when he drops to his knees, there’s a sneering face above him, sword at his throat, and he’s falling as they kick him back off the bridge. He claws at the mask on his face, begging it to save him one last time, but it flutters to dust in the air, to ether, and he knows he must be dead, must be, it’s the only way they glow like that -

“Tristan!” calls a voice to his side, and he’s darting up from his desk and whipping his arm out wildly, trying to push away whatever’s trying to hurt him next -

It takes him a long moment to come back to himself. “Vasco?”

He’s got a hand to his nose, and something conspicuously red is dripping from between his fingers. “Ages. This how you greet a friend?” There’s a hint of a laugh in his voice, but it’s smothered by his wince.

“Ages, ages, Vasco, I’m sorry, I didn’t even think-”

He gives a short sort of cut-off laugh, holding his nose pinched between two fingers. “Next time, I’ll let you nap.”

Tristan ushers Vasco to the bed, making him sit and grabbing a cloth from the bedside table to dab at the blood. He inspects it carefully, moving Vasco’s hands away with a huff. It doesn’t look broken, which he’s thankful for - ages. He doesn’t know what he’d do if he’d actually broken Vasco’s nose. Probably feel even more guilty than he already does.

Vasco looks far too bemused by the whole affair. “If I’d known all it took to get your attention was waking you from a nap, I’d have done it more often - even with the danger to my face.” It’s a joke and a question all in one - Tristan can hear the unspoken how often do you wake fighting? in his voice.

Tristan doesn’t answer. He has a feeling it’s far more often than either of them would like.

“I’m sorry,” he says instead, and prepares himself to summon his mascherine. He can at least heal this, his own problems be damned -

- but Vasco rests a hand on his arm, distracting him. “Now now, you’re a hard working man. I won’t begrudge you a nap at your desk - though your bed is barely ten feet away, you know, and much softer than the one they gave me.” He emphasizes by leaning back against the pillows, sighing - and then flinging a hand up with a wince when he jostles his swelling nose with the motion. “Damn,” he grins, and then drops the grin when that, too, exacerbates the injury.

Tristan feels a smile tug at the corners of his lips, but the guilt still writhes in his chest. “I shouldn’t have been sleeping, anyway - I knew you were coming by, and I know how I am when I’m woken.” It’s an answer of a sort to the question Vasco didn’t ask.

Vasco’s face takes on that inscrutable emotion again - Tristan is becoming more familiar with it by the day. He redirects the conversation ever so slightly, which Tristan is grateful for. “Does it look broken, then?”

“No, thankfully. Just bruised.”

“Damn. Maybe a broken nose could enhance my ruggedly good looks - how about you punch it again for good measure?”

“You absolute bastard,” Tristan admonishes. Vasco has a shit-eating grin plastered to his face, and Tristan knows it has to hurt his nose, but he doesn’t even flinch.

Tristan finishes cleaning up Vasco’s face with a deft, practiced hand - most of the waterbrands were taught at least rudimentary first aid, Tristan included, seeing as it’s the element most tuned to healing. He makes to summon his mascherine again, but Vasco shakes his head. “Nah. I think it’ll be fine.”

Tristan thinks of all the times Vasco has seen him struggle with the thing, and realizes Vasco is much kinder than he gives himself credit for.

He’s holding a new cloth to his nose, but now he’s leaned back against the pillows and the headboard. Tristan shutters the thought that he looks good there before it even begins to float around in his head. He just punched the man in the face, not three days after kissing him -

Tristan feels his cheeks heat, and the silence suddenly becomes thick, awkward between them.

“Have you seen the twins recently?” Tristan asks, for lack of things to fill the space. He still hasn’t asked Cicero about them, and mentally kicks himself.

“Nope,” Vasco answers, popping the ‘p’. “Not since our little adventure.” His eyes turn fond, and Tristan feels the distance between them keenly; he remembers it being closed, remembers Vasco’s breath mingling with his own in the night air -

Shame floods him, and he bites it back, shoves it down his throat, swallows it. What had he said? You’ll have to be patient with me. Ages, if he isn’t feeling it now.

Vasco’s face drops into a frown. “Tristan, I don’t - I was under the assumption we were on the same page.”

Tristan is quick to soothe, almost jumping off the bed in his haste. “No! Yes, I mean - we were - are - are on the same page. I just…” He slumps, running a hand through his hair. Oddly, he thinks about how he needs to get it cut, and shunts the thought from his mind to focus on the matter at hand.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t seen you these past three days. It’s been,” he pauses; he knows his next words might hurt, but they’re the truth: “It’s been easier to not think about what happened, honestly. I don’t want to forget it, but -” He looks at Vasco, pleading. He doesn’t know what he wants; here, in the light of day, it’s harder to face than in the dream-soft haze of night.

Vasco’s lips twist into a frown. “Sorry for pushing you, then. If you’d rather forget-”

“Ages, Vasco, I just told you I didn’t want that!” Tristan lets his irritation seep into his voice. “I just think that maybe it’s - ill-advised at best. Or maybe I’m overreacting! There are barely even Legacies anymore,” and his voice tapers off, finally noticing the hurt look on Vasco’s face.

“So that’s what this is about,” Vasco breathes, and Tristan feels like a fool.

“Yes? No. Maybe. I don’t know!” The fight dies in him, irritation cooling to regret. “Sorry. You don’t - deserve this. I’m-” being a child, being foolish, being an idiot, he wants to finish, but the words die in his throat. “Sorry. You shouldn’t have to be so patient with me.”

Vasco sighs, frown slipping from his lips to something fonder. “You’re an idiot,” he says, and when Tristan nods it makes him laugh; it’s the best sound Tristan’s ever heard, even when he winces and his nose starts bleeding again.

Tristan’s hand is dangerously close to Vasco’s where they lay on the bed, and he debates whether he should take hold of it for far too long - long enough that Vasco notices his internal argument and just grabs his hand himself, pulling him closer on the bed. It’s a little precarious, and Tristan feels like he might fall off any moment now, but he can feel where Vasco’s hip presses against his own, and when Vasco winks up at him and drops the hand holding the cloth, well -

He’s always been weak to a pretty face.

He’s careful of Vasco’s tender nose as he leans forward, pausing just before their lips meet.

“Second thoughts, Valencio?” Vasco says, and there’s something underneath the words that makes Tristan want to wrap his arms around Vasco and never let go.

“Not now,” Tristan says instead, and means it.

The kiss is slow, careful, almost an apology. Vasco reciprocates readily, deepening it with a sigh.Tristan is lost in the sensation of it, Vasco’s hand sliding onto his neck, deft fingers curling into his hair. There’s intent behind the motion, and when Vasco tugs on it ever so slightly as he takes Tristan’s lower lip between his teeth, he gives a sharp inhale.

Vasco lets him breathe a moment - it’s new, here, with just them, nothing outside this room feeling more real than where they press together, Tristan near sitting in Vasco’s lap - and he’s just a touch overwhelmed.

Just a touch, he consoles himself, as Vasco’s nose begins to bleed anew. It prompts a string of curses from the other man, and Tristan laughs.

“You’re the one that gave me this damn problem,” he grumbles, but he can’t quite repress the smile on his lips. “What were you even working on before I arrived, anyway?”

“A report,” Tristan says, then wrinkles his nose. “I’ll probably have to rewrite it. I tend to - drool.”

Vasco laughs, which makes Tristan pout, which makes Vasco kiss him until he stops pouting. It’s a good deal, all things considered.

[criticalbread]

i’m so near the breaking point with my job

it just never stops being awful. rather, my godmother never stops being awful. the more stress and anxiety and dread, the more the urge to self harm is fucking up my brain. had to leave work today because i was goign to have a huge panic attack and half like i was going to vomit and had to take xanax and i just needed to not be near by godmother. 

i thought i was going to be there for a half day but somethign came up and she had to lined up to make dozens of phone calls for the rest of the afternoon i thought i would be free for. i woke up exhausted and low spoons and then phone calls and i had to take part of a xanax before starting them and she’s just. so. she’s convinced she can cure anxiety by praying to fuckin God and that telling me to calm down and breathe will fix me and that i have nothing to be anxious about will fix me and acts like i’m ridiculous and just need to stop already. 

after lunch i just couldn’t go back to making more calls. the bit of a pill i had taken wasn’t working and i felt the beginning heart pounding/heavy breathing/burning eyes that usually leads to sobbing on the floor hyperventilating so i downed another xanax and texted my mum for help. she said to just tell her i’m sick and call an uber home so i did tell her i felt terrible and needed to go home early and when she asked, “is it the phone calls?” i just told her i felt i was going to vomit. she had clay drive me home.

she called during dinner for my dad and he said he’d call back. they helped me construct a text to say i still didn’t feel good and probably wouldn’t make it in tomorrow. apparently she called again tonight to talk to him three sheets to the wind and just saying she can help me get better and ranting about how she prays for me every morning to fix me and repeating herself like five times and asking MY DAD if HE’S angry and when he handed it to my mum Suz asked her if she should send my dad a text to apologize and she was like “???? um maybe you should send the apology to LEESH” and she agreed (guess what i never received). theyre both finally pissed at her after weeks of my mum responding to any of my being upset about the terrible shit of the day with talking about how “you have to admit it’s sad she’s so miserable” or “she leads a miserable life you’ve got to feel bad for her”. that’s a whole other can of fucking worms with this job thing but. at least they’re mad about this. 

they talked to her and she does this awful thing where she talks over you loudly and aggressively with this awful strident voice and is convinced she’s always right. (literally imagine the most awful strident voice. she’s constantly raising her voice. constantly yelling. fucking screeching. she argues and yells at people when things go minorly wrong, and aggressively complains and woe-is-me’s about everything and it triggers my shit from my sister so badly, every day, constantly feeling unsafe around her and tense from her.) is just an awful hypocritical ‘Christian’ lady who loudly uses her Christianity as a prop, as a way to prove she’s better, as a way to claim some people are good and some people are less, as if her wearing a cross and going to church and then saying shit like “oh but no i gotta use my Christian lack of judgement” after sayign something AWFUL AND JUDGEMENTAL and always bringing it up like. told me to my face when i mentioned it that not only could a positive attitude or growing out of it fix my sensory processing disorder, but God’s miracles or some fucking shite. just.

she’s awful. she’s awful. i don’t give a fuck, i can’t stand her. i just know if i have to go in on friday she’s gonna bring it up. gonna talk about all the ways she just knows my anxiety can be fixed. about how I was doing SO well on the calls so there’s no reason to be anxious. is gonna talk over me and twist everything so that she’s right and i should feel guilty for leaving early and to just TELL her in the future if i’m uncomfortable (as if she woud listen, as if se wouldn’t speak over me, as if she wouldn’t just tell me essentially to get over it and have me do it anyway.) 

every time i think about going to work and seeing her and how much i’m dreading this whole fucking thing just. i have no way to DEAL with this stress so the urge to self harm is like an obnoxious pop up ad. my emotional wellbeing is down the fucking toilet. i constantly have no spoons because they’re all used up doing this fucking awful job with her. all the energy i was putting in to living? cooking simple meals, doing yoga for physical/mental wellbeing, having hobbies like playing video games and writing, talking to friends semi-regularly, developing a skin routine, trying to continue learning on the piano-- i don’t have energy to any of it. after work i walk, eat dinner, and distract myself with stupid shit bc i can’t work up the energy to do things i guess i probably enjoy if i felt anything. on days off i lie in bed until i can drag myself out and do the bare minimum to survive and distract myself with stupid shit and can’t bring myself to do whatever. no interests. no hobbies. no energy to text my friends. 

and on the days when i find out i have work the next day (last minute as always) i get even worse. any small amount of energy or distraction i might have had dissipates and i spend the rest of the afternoon and evening distracting myself online from my dread and anxiety and my terrible fucking mood and then take whatever the fuck it will take for me to fall asleep. i get my shitty incomplete sleep, wake up exhausted, and go to work.

if i said i want to die it would be inaccurate bc i just want to stop existing completely. sounds restful. what’s the point of making money for a dream if you don’t exist to get there. if your wellbeing is so destroyed that it never happens.

fuck me, but i don’t even have the spoons to try and make a resume for finding a diff job or trying to find a therapist in the area