#apparently the principal called her and said to take me to ane and get me put in a ward because i was seeing things which i NEVER FUCKING

[nervousmonolith]

i am annoyed

[ottomanladies]

Hello, since some time already I've been trying to find more information about Ahmed's concubine Mahfiruz Hatun and I couldn't help, but wonder when or how she died. Somewhere I read she died during Ahmed's reign probably by sickness or in childbed and on another page I read the opposite and that she lived until her son became sultan. Also another confusing topic about her for me is who of Ahmed's children she is the mother of. Why are there so less informations about her?

I'll start off by answering your last question: there is so little information about her because she was overshadowed by Kösem, who was haseki sultan. If you look at other valide sultans who had not been haseki sultans, you see that about both Handan and Halime there is little information (in their case, they had been overshadowed by Safiye).

I have talked about her so many times so far but I have decided to put everything I was able to find in this answer so as to dispel any other questions. This is going to be long but I hope clear enough.

About Mahfiruze's fate, there are different schools of thought:

Peirce says that she was probably beaten and exiled for speaking against or offending Kösem, therefore she was alive when Osman II took the throne but for some reason was not called back to Topkapi to be valide sultan, and died in 1620.

Uluçay, Sakaoğlu and Öztuna say that she was alive when Osman II took the throne and that she was valide sultan for two years

Baki Tezcan says she died in 1610 at last (I believe a couple of years later, as I'll explain shortly)

Her name

Baki Tezcan says that her name "was probably Mahfiruz": "Although one comes across this name in quite a number of modern sources, its earliest appearance, as far as I have been able to determine, is in the chronicle of Nai'ma, who was not a contemporary" (The debut of Kösem Sultan's political career)

Öztuna calls her "Hadîce Mâh-Fîrûz(e)" and Sakaoğlu says she was variously called "Mahirûze, Hatice Mahfirûze, Mahfirûze, Mahfirûz, Mah-ı Feyrûz". Ahmed Refik refers to her as "Hadice Mahfiruz" but, as Tezcan says, "his source is not clear".

Her origins

Frequently it is said that Mahfiruz was Greek and that she taught Osman Greek. Tezcan has been able to determine that the source of this claim is not a work of historiography but a novel: Histoire d'Osman premier du nom, XIXe empereur des turcs, et de l'impératrice Aphendina Ashada by Madeleine-Angélique de Gomez published in 1743. Apparently it wasn't the only novel she wrote about the Ottomans or the Safavids.

Therefore even her origins are disputed and unsure. She may have been Greek nonetheless but Madeleine-Angélique de Gomez's novel cannot be use as the basis of this claim.

Her children

Osman II is clearly the only child we're absolutely sure was hers.

Öztuna lists other children: Şehzade Bâyezîd, Şehzade Süleymân, and Şehzade Hüseyn. Those who include Mehmed too in the list of her children nonchalantly forget that Osman was born in November 1604 and Mehmed in March 1605. Therefore Mehmed cannot be her son (it's Kösem's but people just won't accept it).

Cristoforo Valier said - between 1612 and 1615 - that Ahmed I had four sons: two with the sultana alive and two with the sultana who had died. Valier died on 15 July 1615 while returning to Venice so he had left Istanbul a little earlier, I assume. He doesn't say how long has Osman II's mother been dead though.

Tezcan thinks that Gevherhan Sultan was Osman's full-blooded sister because he bases his claims off Pietro della Valle, who says:

"Il giorno seguente alla morte di Nasuh, fu subito assunto al carico di primo visir Muhammed bascià, genero egli ancora del Gran Signore, cioè marito della prima figliuola, che è sorella di madre del principe primogenito..." // "The day after Nasuh's death, Mehmed Pasha was appointed to the office of Grand Vizier, he too the Gran Signore's son-in-law, that is the husband of his eldest daughter, who is the eldest prince's full sister..."

The Grand Vizier della Valle is talking about is Öküz Mehmed Paşa, the husband of Gevherhan Sultan. This bit is the reason why Börekçi too says that Gevherhan was the eldest of Ahmed's daughters.

Curiously, Pietro della Valle's is the oldest work that mentions Kösem by name. For this reason, I guess, he is held in high consideration by both Tezcan and Börekçi.

About the other princes, it may be that Süleymân or Bayezid as well were Osman's brothers. Süleymân was, in my opinion, not Murad IV's full brother because he's the first - with Bayezid - that he executes. That he first executed Bayezid (and Süleymân) means that he considered them the most dangerous. Why? Because they weren't his mother's sons and they could have been turned against him.

Bayezid is believed by Finkel to have been Osman's brother:

In a departure from recent practice, Murad had waited until he was home from his various campaigns before despatching his brothers: Bayezid and Süleyman – half-brothers to Murad and full brothers to Osman II – had met their end at the time of the celebrations marking the Yerevan campaign of 1635 [...] As Osman’s full brother Bayezid could be considered the rightful heir in Murad’s place. — Osman's Dream: The History of the Ottoman Empire

Let's leave aside the claim that Bayezid could have been considered Osman's heir because as we all know, and as I am sure Finkel knows too, it is not Mahfiruze's blood that dictates the succession but Ahmed I's. Aside from that, I agree with her. We can't be sure that Süleymân and Bayezid were Osman's brothers (I think Bayezid has more chances to be), but Süleymân was definitely - in my opinion - Murad's half-brother.

The only problem with this is that Süleymân was born in 1615 (according to Öztuna), late in Ahmed's reign and too late according to the European ambassador's claims that Osman's mother had died around 1610 (maybe 1612 at the latest).

Which brings us to our next point in Mahfiruze's life:

Her death

As I have said, European ambassadors were certain that Ahmed had as consorts "the living sultana and the sultana who died".

the English ambassador George Sandys, who wrote presumably in 1610, or around this time, said about this:

"this also hath married his concubine, the mother of his yonger sonne, (she being dead by whom he had the eldest) who with all the practices of a politicke stepdame endevours to settle the succession on her owne...”

This bit not only would confirm that Ahmed has married Kösem at some point in his reign but that Mahfiruze died pretty early in his reign.

Cristoforo Valier, between 1612 and 1615 (when he died), said that Ahmed had four sons: "two from the sultana who died and two from the one alive"

Pietro della Valle too said that Osman's mother had died when he wrote about Osman II's accession to the throne:

"Othman figliuolo primogenito di Sultan Ahmed, ma non figliuolo della sultana Chiosemè vivente." // "Osman, Sultan Ahmed's firstborn son, but not son of the living sultana Kösem"

The French ambassador, Achille de Harlay, writing on Osman II's accession, said the same thing:

"non le fils de la sultane vivante mais l'ainé nommé Osman, orfelin de sa mère des il y a dix ans" // "not the son of the living sultana but the eldest named Osman, who has been motherless for ten years"

De Harlay had reported that Osman's mother was dead even earlier:

That Osman’s mother is dead is also stated in a relation on the life and death of Nasuh Pasha (d. 1614), written sometime after Nasuh’s execution in 1614 and sent by the same ambassador on March 5, 1616 — Searching for Osman

Then we have the second school of thought: Mahfiruze was in fact alive when Osman became sultan and died in 1620. This is usually said by Turkish historians (is it because they don't check Italian sources? Who knows but I wouldn't blame them tbh, there is literally nothing in common between Turkish and Italian):

Öztuna claims that Mahfiruze was valide sultan for two years, when she died on 26 October 1620. As he doesn't source his claims, we can only speculate who his sources are, but it's probably Uluçay who says the same thing:

"But these happy days did not last long. She died in the third year of her son's reign in 1620, and was buried in Eyüp Sultan Mosque"

Even a very recent work of historiography like Aylin Görgün-Baran's essay titled "A Woman Leader in Ottoman History: Kösem Sultan (1589-1651)" reiterates the same thing:

"By the way, the reign of Osman II had caused Kösem Sultan to take action and she had developed strategies to get on with Mahfiruz Sultan and Osman II and established relationships with them for her son Murat IV. She had sent gifts both to Mahfiruz Sultan and Osman II and given messages to them that she had taken their side."

Apart from the fact that I don't believe that Kösem was working to put Murad on the throne (how was she supposed to know that Osman II would be childless and deposed and killed? Please), this claim is not sourced.

She also said that Mahfiruz had died in 1621, in the same year in which Osman had executed Mehmed.

Back to Uluçay, he bases his claims on the chronogram on Mahfiruz's grave but, as Tezcan argues, that chronogram only means that the grave was built in 1618, not that she had died in that year.

The document that M. Cağatay Uluçay, Padişahların Kadınları ve Kızları, Ankara, Türk Tarihi Kurumu, 1980, p. 48, n. 1, cites as evidence for the date of her death specifies her burial place but does not seem to suggest that she died in the year that the document is dated. Peirce states that the document cited by Uluçay is "not to be found in the Topkapi Palace Museum Archives under the number he cites" — The debut of Kösem Sultan's political career

That Osman built a grave for his mother right after he became sultan may mean that he wanted to honour her with a better mausoleum. Also, who builds a grave for someone who is not dead yet and is also fairly young? I mean if Kösem was in her late twenties when Ahmed I died, Mahfiruze must have been around the same age.

Finally, we have Peirce's theory: Mahfiruze was alive but had been exiled during Ahmed I's reign and, for some reason, her son did not call her back to Topkapi when he became sultan.

Osman's mother, Mahfiruz, was alive when her son was finally enthroned in 1618 after the deposition of the incompetent Mustafa. However, contrary to the assumptions of modern accounts, she did not live in the imperial palace during Osman's reign nor did she act as valide sultan (privy purse registers from Osman's reign list no valide sultan). Mahfiruz died in 1620, two years after her son's accession, and was buried in the large sanctuary of Eyüb. From the middle of 1620, Osman's governess, the daye khatun, began to receive an extraordinarily large stipend (one thousand aspers a day rather than her usual two hundred aspers), an indication that she was now the official stand-in for the valide sultan. What seems likely is that Mahfiruz fell into disfavor, was banished from the palace at some point before Osman's accession, and never recovered her status as a royal concubine. Banishment in disgrace would explain both Mahfiruz's absence from the palace and her burial in the popular shrine of Eyüb rather than in her husband's tomb. The Venetian ambassador Contarini reported in 1612 that the sultan had had a beating administered to a woman who had irritated Kösem; perhaps this woman was Mahfiruz. Mahfiruz's banishment would have removed a serious obstacle to Kösem's efforts to save Mustafa from execution, since the party of Osman had the greatest stake in the survival of the traditional system of succession. — The Imperial Harem: Women and Sovereignty in the Ottoman Empire

Honestly, I don't understand why she seems to think that Mahfiruze was alive - like Uluçay says - but then doesn't agree with his sources... strange.

So this is what we know about Mahfiruze. I have left out claims that she was related to Halime (?) or that the manager of the harem was her sister (?) or that she was related to Mahidevran as well (?) because I could not even find these things in books. I'm pretty sure it's someone's fantasy just going around the internet and for some reason people believed it.

I hope I did not forget anything!!

[cafedanslanuit]

would it be ok to ask for hcs of the main 6 + vaderwood as parents to rebellious child that’s sometimes sneaks out and gets in fights please? :)

ok I got a little bit carried away but bear with me. i thought they would be extremely short but this is the longest i’ve ever written for a hc.

thank you for your suggestion!

Yoosung

It was supposed to be a fun story, but you found Yoosung grimacing when your son was telling you about some rank he had pulled at school. You decided to ignore it, mainly because your husband /did/ laugh at the end.

But that one morning, while he drove you both to your son’s school, you couldn’t stop thinking wheher it was a true smile or not.

It had been around 9 a.m. when you received the phonecall. Yoosung was about to leave to go to work and you were looking for your wallet, since he was going to drive you to your job as well. You were going to ignore the ringing, but when you saw it was the school calling, you got scared. Man, did that kid loved doing crazy stuff.

Last year, he had broken his arm while trying to climb a tree, trying to get a football that had accidentaly ended up there.

Instead of, you know, asking for help.

“It’s Hoon’s school”; you said, before answering your phone. Yoosung looked a you, worried.

It was a brief call. The Principal told you Hoon had gotten into a fight. When he hard your tone asking what happened, he added: “He initiated a fight with another boy. Apparently, it’s about a girl. The boy is being taken to the hospital as we speak”.

Well, fuck.

You looked at Yoosung, poor boy was so confused when you apologized to the Principal and said you both would be there immediately. You hung up the phone and told your husband what the call was about.

The ride to the school was silent.

When you entered the Principal’s office, you saw Hoon, sitting on a chair, some red marks on his face and arms, but nothing else.

The Principal repeated the story, adding the other boy was taken to the hospital because in the middle of the fight, he was pushed, fell on the ground and got a wound on his forehead. It seemed he would need a couple of stitched, but the school policy was to send them to the nearest hospital even if it wasn’t serious.

You apologized profusely over and over. You didn’t want Hoon to be kicked out. You explained it was the first time this had happened and that it wouldn’t happen again. You agreed to sign a document that said Hoon would be conditionally admitted next year, only if he didn’t get in anymore fights. You quickly signed it and handed it over to your husband.

He was giving death glares to your son.

“Honey” you said, making him look at you.

You both looked at each other for a couple of seconds. After that, he grabbed the paper and signed it as well.

On your way back home, you started telling Hoon about his punishment. No phone, no TV, no game consoles whatsoever, no going out with friends. You asked him to tell you what was the fight about, but he wouldn’t say. You sighed and decided to ask again a few days later.

When Yoosung parked in front of your home, he asked Hoon to go inside and wait for them. You looked at him, puzzled. Mostly surprised, since he hadn’t said anything since you first got the phonecall

You expected to discuss Hoon’s punishment.

“You’ve been enabling this behaviour” Yoosung muttered.

What?

“I’m sorry how exactly I’ve been enabling this”

“Laughing at his pranks. Not taking them seriously”

“They were pranks, he had never punched someone before” you defended Hoon.

“That’s how it starts” Yoosung says, raising his voice.

Suddenly, you realize he’s been crying.

You take your husband’s hand and squeeze it softly.

“Honey, what’s going on?” you asked.

He didn’t answer. But the tears kept going.

You kissed his cheek and squeezed his hands again, reassuring him everything was fine.

“That’s how it starts” he repeated, more calmly. “It starts at pranks, constant pranks the other person doesn’t ever give back. And then suddenly, they feel the right to take it to the next level and punch you wheneer you feel like”.

Did… did this happen to Yoosung?

Oh God.

Oh God.

“Hey, c’mon, look at me. C’mon, honey”, you asked, cupping his cheeks and making him look at you. “Hoon is not a bad person. He’s not a bully. He’s, you’re right, he’s been behaving badly but he’s not a bad person. He’s…” you doubted. “He’s not on eof your bullies”.

Yoosung didn’t say anything.

He didn’t need to. You know understood.

“We’re great parents. We really are. And he’s just 14, He still has time to learn. More than that, we’re making sure he learns how to be gentler. Nicer to other people. More like you”.

Yoosung smiled.

Zen

Of course it was a fucking motorcycle gang

How he hated karma

One day, Jae came home with a leather jacket. Which was fine. He could spend his money on clothes, nothing new.

You smiled and kissed Jae on the cheek to welcome him home.

No, you didn’t care he was 17, when he comes home he has to kiss his mother.

“You know, Jae’s looking like you more and more with each day that goes by” you commented to your husband in a soft voice, trying to keep it quiet from Jae. “That jacket actually reminds me of the one you just to have when we first met” you teased Zen, grinning at him. Zen lowered his head and kissed your temple before looking at his son again. Indeed, that jacket was pretty similar to the one he used wh–

Wait a minute.

“What’s that symbol on your back?” he suddenly asked. Both you and Jae looked at him.

“What symb– ah, I don’t know. I got it from a thrift shop” Jae answered, shrugging.

Zen squinting, trying to detect the lie.

Bullshit detector 9000

“Show me your right wrist”

You looked at Jae. He was pale.

“Show me your right wrist” Zen repeated. You didn’t know why he was asking this?

“Why should I? I’m not five, you ca–”

“Show your dad your wrist” you said, supporting your husband. You decided Zen’s reason was important enough.

Relunctantly, Jae lifted his jacket and showed you both a small drawing of a skull on his wrist.

“Oh God, please tell me that’s not a tattoo” you whispered.

“It’s not” both Zen and Jae answered. Jae was now even more surprised his dad new about it.

“You know?”

“I don’t want you hanging around them anymore. Those people are bad news. You’ll start drinking and smoking and– I-I don’t think that’s a good idea.

It’s a long conversation. Zen ends up telling his son about the gang he was in when he was young and even though Jae thinking about using that information to get respected with the guys, he eventually agrees to spend less time with the gang.

He goes to his room and you hug Zen from the back, kissing him in the cheek.

“That’s some good parenting” you smiled, feeling him smile as well. “Hey, uhm- You think you still have your jacket?” you asked, whispering sweetly against your husband’s ear.

MC, THE BEAST–

Jaehee

no fears

Angry!Jaehee

one fear

Both you and your son were terrified of Jaehee when she got angry.

So that one time Hyuk snaked out of the house to go to a party

oh boy, you feared for him

Jaehee was sitting on the couch, waiting for him.

You offered a cup of coffee and she declined.

SHE

DECLINED

COFFEE

it really was the end of the world.

Eventually, Hyuk came home, to find yuor concerned look and Jaehee’s disapproving look.

“Mom, this girl I like was going to I really, really, really–”

“I don’t care, go to your room”.

“But mom, let me explain”

“To your room”

“Mom, aren’t you going to say anything?” Hyuk asked you. You shook your head.

“You heard your mother, go to your room and think if it was really worth it”.

In the end, Jaehee took his cellphone and laptop for two weeks.

Then she had a stern talk with him.

You honestly wouldn’t have known how to deal with the situation if it weren’t for her.

god bless jaehee

Jumin

It all started with a “shut up dad”

Jumin had brought her sweet little princess a car, a fancy and most of all trustworthy car.

She had solt it and bought a motorcycle instead.

When did his princess change so much?

It seemed just yesterday she was sitting on his lap, playing with his tie and grinning at him.

Once, Hae wanted to go to a party in one of the shadiest places in the city. You said no and left the penthouse quickly because you had a meeting with the lawfirm you owned. Hae stayed, arguing with Jumin.

“You can’t force me to stay!” she said, storming to her bedroom and starting to get ready.

Jumin didn’t know what to do. He tried calling you, but it went to voicemail. He thought you must be in the middle of your meeting.

So he did the next best thing.

He closed Hae’s bedroom and locked it.

He then proceeded to lock all doors (except the ones for the bathrooms) using his phone, with a fancy new security system.

“Are you kidding me?!”

“Open the door!

“What is your problem, Jumin Han?!”

“I’m going to tell mom!!!!!”

She knos Angry!MC is his one and only fear

Eventually Hae stops screaming. Jumin sighs. Best she could do is take a nap.

He decided to go to the main bathroom and take a shower to calm down.

He changed into new clothes and walked to the kitchen.

Poure himself a glass of wine ans took a sip.

He was startled when he saw you entering the penthouse.

“Wh– what are you doing here?”

“I’m sorry, Jumin, I felt bad leaving you  alone to deal with Hae. Aoki will continue without me”.

Jumin kept looking at you, wide-eyed.

“What’s wrong?”

“How did you get here?”

“I– Uhm, I opened the door?” you said, curious, jiggling th ekeys that were stil on your hand.

Jumin took out his phone, entering the security system again. Someone had turned it off.

Fuck.

You both entered Hae’s bedroom. It was empty.

Her laptop was on, some binary numbers on the screen both you and Jumin couldn’t understand.

“MC”

“Yes, darling?”

“She can’t hang out with Saeyoung anymore”.

Saeyoung

Double trouble

Double trouble

You gave him twins, because apparently it was a strong gene in the Choi family.

Two girls who were just trouble.

They would dress as each other sometimes and cover up for the other when one of them sneaked out the house.

You expected them to fight sometimes, but honestly they had a pretty good relationship. It was nice they were a united front.

The only thing was, it was a united front against Saeyoung and you.

You kept track of what they were doing on social media by asking Saeyoung to look over at their social media accounts.

Initially, you were against it.

But that one time, you were sure you had smelt alcohol on the breath.

Thanks to your husband’s hacking, you discovered they weren’t drinking (yet), but one of them had made out with a boy who was drinking vodka.

“Heavy hand on make out session” as your daughter had messaged her friend.

You decided it would be best to have the talk with them as a whole family, including Saeyoung.

It was not your brightest idea.

He couldn’t process the thought of his little girls doing things with boys.

“They aren’t kids anymore, babe” you had said.

But for him, they were.

So when you asked your girls if they knew what protection was, Saeyoung almost fainted.

“MC, why are you taking about s-e-x to the t-w-i-n-s?”

“We can spell, dad”

“We also know what a condom is, mom”

Rip Saeyoung

You told them all about sex education, not only about birth control, but how to cherish your body and wait for someone special. Also how important it was to me emotionally prepared for such a huge step.

They would always be trouble.

But that night after the talk, you made sure the four of you sat on the couch and watched an old kids movie together.

Just for Saeyoung’s sake.

Vanderwood

Honestly, what were you expecting

He knew his dad used to solve his problems by punching them away

And his dad was his hero

So honestly, what did you expect

It started small,a few pushes at school.

You scolded Ryun, Vanderwood said it was okay for him to defend himself. You tried to teach there were better ways to solve problems.

But Ryun didn’t listen. And honestly, your husband didn’t either.

Once, your  son punched a guy so much, he got into big trouble.

The other parents were planning to sue and the school board was deciding whether to kick him out or not.

The only thing that stopped them was that your son was the lacrosse team’s captain.

This time, the other kid hadn’t been bothering your son. The only thing he did was asking out the girl your son was crazy about.

It was in that moment when Vanderwood knew it had gone too far.

He never went to school meetings, so when Ryun saw him entering your Principal’s office…

he knew he had fucked up

You drove them home after the Principal told you you had to wait and see it the family would sue.

You parked the car in front of your house and sighed, tired.

“MC, give us a minute, please”

You don’t know what exactly happened in that car but whatever Vanderwood said to him changed Ryun forever.

He wasn’t aggresive anymore and graduated without any more trouble.

Your husband was magic.

Pure magic.

[scintillating-galaxias]

give ‘em hell, darling

Chapter Two—Step 1

Sandalphon appears to read Aziraphale his charges and to collect him from Earth.

(read it here on ao3!)

“An’, get this angel.”

“What?”

“She told ‘im, ‘nothin’ wrong with the economy, just get your arse up and find a job!’” Crowley hooted loudly, sloshing a considerable amount of wine down the fist gripping the stem of the glass. Aziraphale, glassy-eyed, miracled it back into the cup. “An’ she hasn’t worked in years! ”

Aziraphale shook his head, tutting. “What did you do?”

“Nicked her credit card and left it for the bum.”

“Crowley…! Alright, I would have given him money anyway. Stealing from the rich, giving to the poor, or something like that.”

“See, you get it.”

A very sharp rapping on the door rudely interrupted Crowley’s drunken rendition of a fool he had made out of a woman on the street criticizing a homeless man.

“Someone’s here,” said Crowley after a minute.

“Obviously,” said Aziraphale. “Doors don’t knock themselves.”

“No, I bloody well know that!” hissed Crowley, drunkenness slurring his vigilance. “Someone’s here! Aren’t you closed right now?” He stiffened abruptly, nostrils flaring slightly. “I can feel it—someone holy. Smells like bleach.”

Oh, dear. Murmuring some very mild curses, Aziraphale quickly sent the alcohol in his system back into the bottles and then told the bottles to return to the dusty cabinets from which they came. He straightened his bow-tie and after he swallowed dryly, called, “One moment, please!”

“What the Heaven do they want? I thought you said they’d leave us alone!” hissed Crowley. He had sobered himself up as well and was agitatedly pacing back and forth, shooting poisonous looks at the closed door, which shuddered fearfully in its doorframe.

“I’m not sure,” Aziraphale said. 

“We’ve wasted enough time already,” said a sharp voice, laced with—glee? That couldn’t be good. Aziraphale pushed down his growing concern and made for the door. “Open up. I know you’re not—ah.”

“Good day, Sandalphon,” Aziraphale greeted tersely. “What business brings you to Earth?”

“You,” Sandalphon answered with a grin that was too wide to be natural. His gold-teeth, hardly having to be changed for his human appearance, glinted. He produced a stack of papers and brandished them. “You’re being recalled to Heaven.”

The shot of dread that fired through Aziraphale’s body made him feel weak-kneed. He resisted stumbling by sheer force of will and managed to coolly ask, “Why?”

Sandalphon stepped inside the room without invitation. He glanced derisively about, empty eyes moving derisively from Aziraphale’s dusty shelf of not-for-sale (read: favorite) books, to the antique rug, and finally, to Crowley, who curled his lip and let his forked tongue flicked menacingly. “Your performance lately has been lacking,” Sandalphon said, refocusing his stony stare on Aziraphale. “Heaven has decided you’re no longer the best suited for this job.”

Crowley snorted ungracefully while Aziraphale blinked disbelievingly.

“You’re kidding,” said Crowley. “Was there another angel who’s secretly been on Earth this whole time?”

“Am I—Am I being fired?” Aziraphale asked incredulously.

Sandalphon’s plastic grin stretched wider, somehow. “No. You’re being recalled. You should be fired, but this is the next most appropriate action to take.”

“That’s not—Never mind.” Aziraphale discreetly wiped his hands on the backside of his coat. “What about my, erm, performance has been failing?”

Sandalphon gestured to Crowley. “Obviously,” he said shortly, “ that has not been permanently banished to the deepest pits of Hell.”

Aziraphale bristled as Crowley loudly said, “I am right here. ”

“And,” Sandalphon continued, unperturbed, “your reports have been disappointingly lackluster. You’ve reported nearly the exact same interactions with humanity from this particular part of the world for the last year, and the year prior to that, and the year prior to that. And the two hundred before that.” He sighed in the morose manner you’d expect from a greedy boss denying you a raise. “Our expectations for you have simply not been met.”

Azirphale gritted his teeth and forced out, “May I see exactly what expectations you are referring to?”

To his surprise, Sandalphon actually handed over the papers. Aziraphale took them, staring suspiciously at first at Sandalphon, then the papers. Crowley’s lip curled as Sandalphon pointed out a paragraph on the first page.

“You’ll see here that the terms to your assignment are laid out quite clearly,” he said. Lines began to highlight themselves in golden light, obviously larger points of discussion. Aziraphale scowled. He filed his own taxes to the point of investigation by the British government, for Heaven’s sake, he knew how to read the small-print. The light only served to amplify the bleak blackness of the curling Enochian. “To begin, you were given the task of protecting the humans of the Garden of Eden from Evil. This included the terrible temptation of Eve.” Sandalphon shot Crowley a nasty look. He shrugged unapologetically. “You were charged with a Holy Blade of Flame by the Almighty to assist you in this task. However, you lost it mere week later, and it ended up in the hands of the one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, War.”

“It—That was to help the humans! It was in the name of good!” Aziraphale did not like where this was going. “It was cold. I could not send them back into the Garden after their ejection by the Almighty—but I had to do something.”

“Which brings me to my next point…”

Crowley rolled his eyes. Aziraphale could only grit his teeth and listen as Sandalphon went down a list of his apparent misdemeanors with excruciating detail and slowness. Being unable to keep peace in a small village teeming with anger over a corrupt political situation in 2200 BC, allowing said political situation to become corrupt, warning families of a blight in 13 AD, healing people who Heaven wanted dead in 403 AD, miracling people to full recovery during the Bubonic Plague, and, most recently—

“You’ve been observed to be indulging greatly in the sin of gluttony—”

“Now, just one minute,” Aziraphale interrupted, beginning to feel panicked. 

Sandalphon’s smile turned sour. “Angels can’t sin. This goes without saying. However, you’ve clearly proven yourself to be something else ever since that little stunt with the Hellfire. We don’t know what you are. Obviously not Fallen, but you’re not Unfallen, either. Gluttony is a sin no matter what you are. It’s only appropriate we treat it as such.”

Aziraphale froze. Beside him, Crowley had also gone still. Crowley had recounted exactly what had happened to him while he was in Heaven, including Uriel’s disgusted comment of, “What is he?” Evidently, it had not gone unnoticed. Admittedly, it was a rather logical question to ask. But Aziraphale couldn’t answer, “I don’t know either,” and he couldn’t explain what he and Crowley had done to escape extinction. That would only tell Heaven they could try again, and get the results they wanted this time. He swallowed and said nothing at all.

“So,” drawled Sandalphon, “the sin of gluttony. Gabriel noticed you partaking in some Earthly food while he was here. You explained it was for your human disguise. However, you’ve been recorded sullying your heavenly body with gross matter for centuries now. You don’t need to eat. Therefore, anything you consume can be considered excessive and unnecessarily.”

“That’s bollocks,” Crowley cut in. Both angels turned to him, Sandalphon in annoyance, Aziraphale in surprise.

“What?” said Sandalphon.

“That’s wrong,” Crowley said impatiently. “I’m the demon here, I should know what sin is. Gluttony’s supposed to be, y’know, an excess of food or wealth or whatever withheld from the needy. Sure, he eats a lot for an angel”—Crowley pulled his face into a ‘well, what can I say?’ frown—“ans he eats every day like most humans do. But he’s never sat around and ate big ol’ honeyed hams and wine all day while telling the poor people to piss off. I would know; I’ve been, erm, adversary-ing him for six thousand years.”

Thank you, cried Aziraphale internally, but Sandalphon was not impressed.

“Then what of these books?” he said at once. “Surely you don’t think we haven’t noticed the way he hoards these things. They are a symbol of status he refuses to part with, even for the innocent human pursuit of knowledge.”

“That’s different! Humans don’t need books the same way they need food.”

“Fine,” Sandalphon said with great reluctance. “The food is excluded. Then do tell me, demon; what is the reasoning for his reluctancy?” 

Sandalphon turned to Aziraphale, who had gone quite pale.

“Their contents would be wasted on them,” he said. “It would be a tragedy, really.” He wanted to say collectors only bought them for the name, but he knew that wasn’t true; most collectors were just like him, in reality. The only difference is that Aziraphale has been there, living the events that inspired the legendary books of their times. There was no experience like it. Any modern day collectors were simply grasping for a way to experience a past they never could live. And for as long as a story is passed around humanity, it is eventually lost in the mess. As long as they were with Aziraphale, they were safe.

Sandalphon raised an eyebrow. His bald head was shining in the lamplight. “You wouldn’t even spare that moment of joy for a human? They don’t have forever to indulge themselves.” Sandalphon took Aziraphale’s guilty press of his lips as a victory. His eyes shone triumphantly. “Do you have anything to say for yourself, Principality?”

Aziraphale blinked once and let all pretenses of politeness slide off of his face. “Nothing you would sincerely listen to.”

“Aziraphale!” Crowley whirled on him, gripping Aziraphale’s forearm in one hand and gesturing furiously with the other. “Wha’—You can’t just go with him!” he snapped. “There’s—You haven’t hardly got to make a case for yourself!”

Aziraphale forced a weak smile for Crowley. He patted his bony hand gently. “It’s looking like I’m having little choice in the matter, my dear.”

“Hell, even Hell at least has a jury!”

“Yes, well… this is Heaven after all.” Aziraphale leveled an icy glare at Sandalphon who shifted uncomfortably. “They can do no wrong. Can they.”

“No,” Sandalphon said airily, sounding severely less confident. His mouth opened to say something else, only it opened, and then nothing at all came out. In fact, it stayed perfectly still, as did the rest of the room; the dust motes froze mid-flight, the swaying of Sandalphon’s trench-coat was caught in a dramatic turn—

“Crowley?”

“Aziraphale, they can’t take you again!” Crowley had a snarl on his face as he angrily waved his hands in the air. “They brought a demon last time for the Hellfire, they’ll bring another to—to torture you, or something! You won’t last a second! Or they’ll find you over to Hell itself—!” 

“I’m tougher than you think,” Aziraphale assured him gently.

Crowley’s face crumpled. “I want to believe you, angel, I do. But this is Heaven’s punishments we’re talking about.”

Aziraphale’s heart ached at the fear in Crowley’s voice. He took Crowley’s cold hand and folded it tightly in his own two hands, holding it against his chest. “I understand your concern, my dear. But I’ll be alright. They’re operating out of fear, at the moment, I’m sure.”

Crowley furiously shook his head and wrapped his other hand around Aziraphale’s, gripping it as though he would vanish right then and there. Which, Aziraphale thought grimly, he very well might be. “It doesn’t matter what they’re operating out of! They want to get rid of you—”

“That may be so. But I think that Heaven is being a tad ambitious,” Aziraphale said primly. 

Crowley stared at him. Then he took off his sunglasses to really drive in the disbelief shining in his—entirely yellow, Aziraphale noted guiltily—eyes. “Aziraphale, what are you saying?”

“There is no such thing as luck,” he said delicately. It was not a coincidence I found a scrap of prophecy that happened to be exactly what we needed to live another day.”

Crowley’s pupils narrowed to thin lines. “I, you, wh—gh? Can you even hear yourself right now? You think—? Come on, after all of this, you really think She— ?”

The room had slowly begun to move again. Crowley’s miracle was wearing off. 

“How can you be so sure?” he finally asked.

“Crowley, listen to me,” Aziraphale said lowly. “I honestly cannot say I know what they will do. Your guesses are as good as mine. But I know Heaven, and I am not stupid. They don’t believe the failure of the Great Plan was a part of the Ineffable Plan. They’re searching for someone to blame, and, well, I’m a prime candidate.”

“Then they should take me too!” Crowley said indignantly. “I’d rather be trapped in Heaven with you than be on an Earth without you.” Aziraphale’s cheeks grew faintly warm at the intensity and genuinity of that statement, but he had to focus right now. He shoved the tidal wave of adoration towards Crowley as hard as he could and hoped he would feel it.

The sway of Sandalphon’s coat has reached its apex and was now falling the other way.

“The feeling is mutual,” he said honestly. “Heaven does not care for Earth as much as they do about the War. But they do care about what will happen to Earth if Hell is given free-range. They won’t leave you alone. If—when—they take me, they’ll send another angel in my place.”

Crowley made a disgusted sound. 

“Heaven does not appreciate the wonderful stories and intricacies of this place; I believe it is why they were so eager for the end of the world. And if they do send another in my place, it is under the assumption they can use any stuffy old angel to replace me. That anyone can appreciate humanity as I do. Crowley— you need to prove them wrong. ”

Crowley was always a particularly cunning demon. His distressed face went through a complicated series of emotions before ending on a positively, if slightly wobbly, serpentine grin. “And how should I do that, angel?” he purred.

The completely random thought of kissing Crowley dramatically before the miracle ended flirted intensely with Aziraphale. Startled, Aziraphale found himself leaning in to growl, “Give them hell, darling,” and then the miracle’s lifespan was up.

Sandalphon looked incredibly displeased.

“You’re only delaying the inevitable,” he said snidely.

“I delayed the ineffable,” Aziraphale corrected. Sandalphon narrowed his eyes. “Well? Go on, then. List my charges.”

Sandalphon tapped his foot on the ground and the pages went flying back into his outstretched fingers. “It is with these words that I charge thee, Principality Aziraphale, Angel of the First Order of the Lowest Hierarchy, Guardian of the Eastern Gate…”

Aziraphale stopped paying attention as the list of his crimes ( crimes, he thought with a mental eyeroll, this was ridiculous) was read. He nudged Crowley, and hoped the brief contact was enough to convey, I’ll be okay, we’ll be okay, I promise I’ll come back. I won’t leave you behind.

“I still hate this,” murmured Crowley, low enough to go unnoticed by Sandalphon.

Aziraphale gnawed his cheek—a nervous habit gained after reading the phrase from a book and trying to figure out what it meant. “It is not ideal,” he said back just as quietly. He smiled tightly when Sandalphon glanced at him. “But I believe it won’t be long,” he continued. “I’ll be back before you know it. Two shakes of a lamb’s tail.” 

“...two thousand, seven hundred, and thirty-three accounts of gluttony…”

“Yeesh. You’d get a commendation from Hell for that one.”

“Hush, you.”

Finally, after what felt like a day's worth of monotonous droning, Sandalphon lowered the papers. “Given this evidence, Heaven no longer sees you fit to be the angelic representative of Earth. You will be recalled to Heaven until given further notice, and during this time, Heaven will proceed with any necessary actions. Do you have any questions?”

Aziraphale made a show of looking cowed. “May I say goodbye?”

“To who? The demon?”

“Humans question things when a regularity in their life vanishes without imaginable reason.”

Sandalphon nodded after a very obvious hesitation. “You have one hour.”

And he vanished in a great crackle of lightning. Aziraphale slouched, unaware of how tightly he’d been holding himself up. Crowley squeezed his tense shoulder.

“I should get going,” said Aziraphale. “Clock’s ticking. Will you mind the bookshop for me while I’m gone?”

“‘Course.”

“If anyone asks, I’m on a business trip.” Crowley nodded, a pinched expression crossing his face. “What is it, Crowley?”

He didn’t answer for a pronounced moment. “Just—Don’t do anything stupid, angel.”

“I’ll miss you too, my dear.”

An hour later, after he had exhausted himself teleporting around London hastily explaining his absence to the restaurants he frequented, his manicurist, the bakeries, making phone calls, and leaving voicemails for would-be buyers of his books, Aziraphale was gone.

[aliasseries]

Shameless 9.01 “Are you there Shim? It is me, Ian”

The 9th season of Shameless has started and, in my personal view, I missed it. For me this is one of the best series out there at the moment. This will be the last for Emmy as well, since a few days ago she made a statement that she will not longer work in Shameless after season nine. Let’s see how the new season begins!

Shameless 9.01 “Are you there Shim? It is me, Ian” SPOILERS

Frank is on the floor of the kitchen surrounded by vomit when he gets a text message from her lover that her husband is out. He gets up and clean himself.

While that is happening in the Gallagher’s home, in the building apartment Fiona is fixing some things and making the building look good to try and sell it to pay Ian’s bail. Her boyfriend came from their apartment and they talk for a while and he leaves. A phone starts to ring, Fiona thinks is hers so she goes in to check but it wasn’t hers but one in her boyfriend’s jacket and it is a call from Patty. She tries to unlocked it but it has a retina unlock. She gets worried. Lip is looking at Eddie’s facebook page and then he send her a message asking if she is coming back because he still has her niece Xan, ans we can see her sleep in front of him.

Debbie’s baby is in the crib sleeping while she is working in the night shift. She gets her pay check and she and another worker went to have breakfast. Frank is with his lover at her house having sex. She tells him that he can stay as long as he wants and that she bought him a shirt, he was going to sleep whe he receive another message from another lover. Now Carl is in the army and we can see him give orders and helping the new recruts. It is the end of the year and he screams at one recrut that it’s left behind and he is afraid the general don’t give her a clear year. We can see as well how Carl’s wife made a camp outside to see him ans she is counting the days to be with him.

Fiona has a the real state guy looking the building and she explain everything about it while he is messure it all and looking everything, taking pictures, looking the machines, that they are in the basement so he goes down starir. While Frankis leaving the house of the first lover with his new shirt and he stars to look arounf and then steal some things and takes a coffee when the maid arrives and talk to him about the missing items. Then he goies the the front house to his next lover when he sees her husband leave.

We are at the prison now, we can see how an inmate is taking it with another inmate and slap him. Then he ask “Since when you have a voice in this, bitch?” on what Ian answer “Since I told him he has, bitch” Apparently some inmates are in a strike thank to Ian until this inmate treats them with respect. The guy took the boy by the hair and told him to let’s go when another inmate push him and tell him to let him go. Ian and the inmate are face to face and the guy tells him “Fuck you and your hoe strike”.

Lip is getting dress up by Xan because there’s a wedding they will attend to. Frank is having sex with his second lover in yoga style. Fiona tells Ian that she almost has the bail money, she tells him that maybe tomorrow she will get it but he says that he need some more days because there’s opresion there and “lambs” to take care of. She asks him of he gets his medication in there but he doesn’t answer and leave, Fiona is worry.

In the bar Kev is with his three girls and the girls are with a lot of energy so they put them in a cage. Debbie came with her friends to have breakfast and she founds out that the boss pay her three dolars less an hour that the boys. Lip is in the church waiting for the maid of honor becausse he is the best man and they talk for a while. Frank goeos to the school and tells her soon to take the bag wth the items he stole to home.

Carl is seeing the general because he wants to discuss the leftenet cadet position that is between he and another recrute. He knows that one of his guys is behind but he tells the general that next year he can make them be better. The general tells him that he gets his personal life in order and get a senator recomendation he can be leftenet cadet next year. Fiona arrives to the building apartment  where her boyfriend working in the outside. She gives him the jacket with the phone in the pocket that he left in her house and he checks the phone.And then he lefts.

In the prison the inmate goes to Ian to talk about the strike and talk about it. They all seat together in the table and talk since the inmate wants his guy back. It is already the party at the wedding and everyone is dancing and having fun, Xan shows Lip some moves when the bride’s sister join them, the three of them are having fun. Then a boy aproach to Xan and ask her to dance ans she agrees but Lip doesn’t trust it. The bride’s sister takes Lip and they go to hook up in a closet.

At the school the PTA has a meeting and the principal of the school start talking about the sexual relationships that are between the adults. A doctor stars talking becasue there’s some people who got positive on STDs And all the people in the PTA are gonna be tested it to see the reason of these STDs. Some refuse and want to leave but the doctor doesn’t let them becasue it is the law.

Debbie goes to confront her boss since she gets three dolers less than the boys. And he tell her that is becasue she is a girl and takes more time to pee and also because the mentruation and that he had her time her. She gets piss  off. On the wedding Lip and the maid of honor are at he closet, while they are at it she puke but she didn’t want to stop. At the PTAmeeting everyone was tested so the doctor say some names and there are the names of the people who can leave the rest has to stay since they are the infected by multiple STDs. The doctor asks for their sexual partners and is discover that almost everyone slept with everyone. Frank is relieve becasue he tought he was the guilty on that.

Fiona and her boyfriend are grabbing some stuff from the car when he gets a phone call but he doesn’t answer. Fiona gets a text message and her building report was already done and she was able to get the bail for Ian. Her boyfriend make a face so she ask her what hapend and he answet that it is better not get involve with her family and he tries to change the subject and go to the apartment but she asks him if he thinks she doesn’t have to pay the bail. Then he says that she shouldn’t because her brother has a lot of troubles that he have a Jesus complex and he could hurt somebody by set that vain on fire. In the PTA they are still discusting the sexual relationships between one another when is discover that all the women had sex with Frank.

Kev and V are at the bedroom and Kev wants to have some fun with V but when he gets in the room the twins are in the bed with a lot of energy. At the camp Carl is watching on his wife that is cheerleading at the outside and he is worry because  of her and his bad recruit he can’t get the promotion. 

Kev is with the gorls outside playing catching the ball trying to take some energy out of them and then they could sleep. While at Gallagher’s house Debbie seems making some invention to try and no going to the toilet that much at work, Xan is witht he phone laughing while Lip is making dinner and ask her why she laughs, she then show him that he is videochatting with Ed the guy from the wedding and Lip doesn’t like it at all. Fiona arrives to have dinner with the family, and she tolds them about how she gets the jail bail for Ian. She ask if they think that Ian is gonna go wrong, Lip asks if he is taking his meds, Debbie if he is going to be Gay Jesus again and they all talk how in a bad place he was. That makes Fiona wonder if her boyfriend wouldn’t be right. Kev made the twins tired and they fall sleep so he goes to the house and call for V then they go upstairs. The members of the PTA who are infected are in the school getting her med taking every four hours. The doctor tells them to relax but they can’t be and they start to fight between couples and each other. Then Frank starts to talk and gives a speech and everyone calm down and they all talk and all the truth comes out.

Fiona is with her boyfriend in the apartment watching tv when Fiona takes his phone from the jacket and use his eyes to unlock it. He wakes up and she asks him why he has two phones and he say that it is because it’s to talk with her mum, it’s an international phone. He tells her to call that Patty (his mum he said) but she say no that it is ok and he tell her that all that Ian situation is making her paranoid and that she keep the phone, since she doesn’t trust him and that she answer when it rings. Debbie is getting ready for work with her diy baby diaper and Liam is taking back all that her father stole to his friends’ mothers. Lip arrives at the workshop and sees his boss dancing. They talk about the wedding and he suggested that take the brides maid to a real date. Fiona is lookinf the phone and getting stress, she calls patty and then she drops the phone on the toilet and she quickly put it in rice.

Kev and V are with the twins and the dogs trying to get the twins tired and they see kids from preschoool. Lip goes to the hair salon where Tami works and he ask ¡s her for a date, but she talks to rude and they scream at each other and Lip left. Debbie is at work and it calling a work partner out because he went to the toilet three times, the boss goes talk to Debbie.

Fiona’s boyfriend arrive and ask her what is she doing, she tell him that getting the money from Ian’s jail money and that she didn’t want to hear him. Call is running in the camp when the recrut he has problems with came to him ans say he take care of the problem, Carl ask what problem and he answer “Kassidy, they would never found the body.” Ian and Fiona are talking and Ian say he has good news that the strike was over while Fiona was trying to tell him that she was going to get the jail bail money but he doesn’t listen he is talking about the strike and how he fix it. Fiona ask him worried if he is going to go to the court on what Ian answer “Well, we don’t know where Shim is gonna take me, don’t we” then explain that as we don’t know if God is a man or a woman then Shim.

All the people in the PTA are now free to leave with all the medication being taken. Debbie goes to Jacob and remember him that she was the only one who didn’t go to the toilet, and he tells her that in the next check she is going to have 18 dolars per hour as everyone else.

In this episode we can see as in the rest of the first episodes of the season how is gonna be the story for every character.

I think Fiona is gonna have a rough time with her boyfriend because of trust issues but that it maybe will work out at the end and who know if at the end of the season she left with him to UK?

Lip is going to show us the good heart he has taking care of Xan. I think we can see his paternal side and how maybe the next season he will be the one who have to take care of the family.

Frank... Frank is Frank. In every mess it is there is him! I think it is more Frank to see and more fun with him.

Carl has to live now knowing that Kassidy was killed by his recrut and we’ll see if he is able to get the promotion he wants and how all it affects him.

Debbie is going to show the strong woman she is. For two season we see her struggle and trying getting the best for her and her baby and this season isn’t going to be different.

Ian and his bipolar desise are going to be a very important part of the plot. He is really into the church and God and helping people who is in danger or struggling. I hope he gets the attention he needs and take his meds.

Liam is the kindest soul and as Lip says in this episode “How are you a Gallagher?“ and it is true he has a great heart, he doesn’t want to hurt anybody, doesn’t like the life his father is into and he tries his best to be good and stay that way.

Kev and V and her twins are gonna have a difficult time since their kids are so full of energy. We’ll see if preschool are gonna help them some way.

Gifs by @daillyshameless and @whitefluffyyeti 

[barneycblog]

Reflections on the “F” Word

While I disapprove of the word’s overuse and find it annoying much of the time, it remains one of the more interesting monosyllabic expletives in the English language for a variety of reasons. Just by its sound it can describe, pain, pleasure, hate and love. In language it can function as many parts of speech: a verb both transitive and intransitive; a gerund; a noun or pronoun; an adjective; an adverb; and an interjection. It’s a versatile word from a grammatical perspective and one that can describe with pointed emphasis a wide range of emotions, feelings, states of being and circumstances as these examples found on the web will attest:

• Ignorance: Fucked if I know. • Trouble: I guess I’m fucked now! • Fraud: I got fucked at the used car lot. • Aggression: Fuck you! • Displeasure: What the fuck is going on here? • Difficulty: I can't understand this fucking job. • Incompetence: He‘s a fuck-off. • Suspicion: What the fuck are you doing? • Enjoyment: I had a fucking good time. • Request: Get the fuck out of here. • Hostility: I'm going to knock your fucking head off. • Greeting: How the fuck are you? • Apathy: Who gives a fuck? • Innovation: Get a bigger fucking hammer. • Surprise: Fuck! You scared the shit out of me! • Anxiety: Today is really fucked.

Roots Linguisticians really have no clear idea where the word comes from. A few myths and folk etymologies have sprung up in the absence of a definite origin. The most common derive it from “fornication under consent of the king” or “for unlawful carnal knowledge,” and as with almost every other etymology based on an acronym, neither is true.

In English, swear words tend to have Germanic, rather than Latin etymology. We know where “shit” comes from—no pun intended. It has a Germanic root with obvious connections to words in other languages: Dutch schijt, German Scheiße, Swedish skit. It also shows up in Old English, as the verb scittan. The experts can trace a clear, linear etymology for it. Alas, the same can’t be said for “fuck,” although the search for its roots makes for an interesting etymological expedition.

It may be a native English word, from a Proto-Germanic verb along the lines of fukkon, which could in turn be from the Proto Indo European root pewg-, meaning “to jab” or “to hit”. Under this etymology, its origins are as clear as shit’s. But this explanation may rest more on speculation than fact.

Germanic words of similar form (f + vowel + consonant) and meaning ”copulate” are many. One of them is ficken. They often have additional senses, especially 'cheat,' but their basic meaning is 'move back and forth.' Most probably, fuck is a borrowing from Low German and has no cognates outside Germanic.

Early records of “fuck” are chiefly from Britain’s north, especially Scotland, so it may have begun as a northerner’s verb. Not all, but many of the words that exist primarily in Scotland and northern England, for example, bairn, gang, aye, kirk, etc., are from Old Norse. The Viking invasions left their impact on English as a whole, but especially in northern Britain where their settlements were concentrated. (Even today residents of North Britain use words and speak in accents that betray their Norse roots and mystify Americans and their English cousins to the south.)

Swedish fokka (“copulate”) and Norwegian fukka (“copulate, strike, push”) are now only dialectal terms, but given that they both mean “fuck” and are apparently related, they may go back to an unattested Old Norse verb. If this etymology is to be believed, then the Old Norse version of fukka came to Scotland first, before dispersing to the rest of the English-speaking world.

Another theory traces the Modern English verb to Middle English fyke, fike ("move restlessly, fidget") which also meant "dally, flirt," and probably is from a general North Sea Germanic word (compare Middle Dutch fokken, and German ficken). This would parallel in sense the vulgar Middle English term for "have sexual intercourse," swive, from Old English swifan "to move lightly over, sweep.” But the OED remarks that these "cannot be shown to be related" to the English word. (As an aside, the Old English verb for "have sexual intercourse with" was hæman, from ham "dwelling, home," with a sense of "take home, co-habit.")

Speaking of the original Oxford English Dictionary, its editors omitted as taboo the “F” word when the "F" entries were compiled between 1893 and 1897. Dr. Johnson also had excluded the word, and “fuck” wasn't in a single English language dictionary from 1795 to 1965. The Penguin Dictionary broke the taboo in the latter year. Houghton Mifflin followed in 1969 with The American Heritage Dictionary, but it also published a “clean” edition without the word, to assure itself access to the public high school market.

The written form of the word is attested from at least the early 16th Century although the verb form appears to have been found in an English court manuscript from 1310. The second edition of the OED cites 1503, in the form fukkit, and the earliest attested appearance of the current spelling is 1535 in Sir David Lyndesay’s Ane Satyre of the Thrie Estaits: "Bischops ... may fuck thair fill and be vnmaryit.” Apparently sex scandals in the Church were prevalent even then.

As an aside, “flying fuck” originally meant "sex had on horseback" and is first attested circa 1800 in a broadside ballad called New Feats of Horsemanship.

Censorship “Fuck” was outlawed in print in England by the Obscene Publications Act of 1857, and in the U.S. by the Comstock Act of 1873. The legal barriers against use in print broke down the mid-20th Century with the "Ulysses" decision (U.S., 1933) and "Lady Chatterley's Lover" (U.S., 1959; U.K., 1960).

In 1948, the publishers of The Naked and the Dead persuaded author Norman Mailer to use the euphemism “fug.” When Mailer later was introduced to Dorothy Parker, she greeted him with, "So you're the man who can't spell 'fuck'." (The quip is sometimes attributed to Tallulah Bankhead.) The major breakthrough in publication was James Jones' From Here to Eternity (1950), with 50 fucks (down from 258 in the original manuscript).

In a 1972 monologue, the late comedian George Carlin famously listed the "Seven words you can never say on television," to wit, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.

At the time, the words were considered inappropriate for broadcast on the public airwaves in the United States, whether radio or television; and most of the words on Carlin's original list remain taboo on American broadcast television but are heard with astonishing regularity on unregulated cable as an evening watching HBO will demonstrate. But words forbidden to polite society didn’t originate with Carlin; the ancient Romans had ten words that were considered taboo (and therefore used regularly): cunnus, futuo, mentula, verpa, landica, culus, pedico, caco, fello and irrumo. I’ll let the reader translate those words for which the English equivalent isn’t obvious.

At the Movies 1939’s Gone with the Wind ends with these memorable lines:

Scarlett: Where shall I go? What shall I do? Rhett: Frankly my dear, I don’t’ give a damn.

What today is hardly regarded as even a mildly profane expression caused a sensation in the USA in 1939. Sixty-six years later the iconic quotation was voted the number one movie line of all time by the American Film Institute.

The word “damn” had been prohibited by the 1930 Motion Picture Association’s Production Code (aka, the Will Hayes Office), drawn up as the country was in the grips of prohibition and a fiery debate about declining moral standards which social critics attributed in no small measure to the alleged excesses of the Hollywood dream machine and the immoral behavior of the people who starred in its films.

Against this backdrop, producer David O. Selznick and story editor Val Lewton worked hard to keep the movie close to the book. Of the word “damn” Selznik told the Hayes censors, "It is my contention that this word as used in the picture is not an oath or a curse. The worst that could be said of it is that it’s a vulgarism." In the end, the film got special dispensation to use "damn" and "hell" in specific situations.

But before they got the OK, Selznick and Lewton solicited alternate endings. They came up with 20, more or less, among them:

Frankly my dear, I don’t’ give a straw. Frankly my dear, I don’t’ give a hoot. You can go to the devil for all I care. My indifference is boundless.

The Hollywood Production Code was adopted by the film industry to counter efforts to establish government censorship of cinema in 1930, although it was not seriously enforced until 1934 and continued in effect until 1965 when it was replaced by the current ratings system.

During Hollywood’s golden age, producers, writers and directors came up with a bag of tricks designed to do an end run around the censors whom they regarded as overly zealous, excessively self-righteous and conspicuously dumb. One technique was to write witty, sharp-edged dialogue replete with double entendres and a heavy dose sexual innuendo.  

One such example comes from the 1946 film noire The Big Sleep, a mostly inscrutable piece of detective fiction penned by Raymond Chandler. The principals, Vivian Rutledge (Lauren Bacall) and Philip Marlow (Humphrey Bogart), engage in a famous, slyly flirtatious, sexy horse-race conversation scripted by an uncredited Julius Epstein. At one point, she rates him as a potential lover, using a horse analogy to talk in a veiled way about her feelings toward men and sex. The dialogue is outrageously suggestive without using a single off color word:

Vivian: Tell me: What do you usually do when you're not working? Marlowe: Oh, play the horses, fool around. Vivian: No women? Marlowe: I'm generally working on something, most of the time. Vivian: Could that be stretched to include me? Marlowe: Well I like you. I've told you that before. Vivian: I like hearing you say it. But you didn't do much about it. Marlowe: Well, neither did you. Vivian: Well, speaking of horses, I like to play them myself. But I like to see them work out a little first, see if they're front-runners or come from behind, find out what their whole card is. What makes them run. Marlowe: Find out mine? Vivian: I think so. Marlowe: Go ahead. Vivian: I'd say you don't like to be rated. You like to get out in front, open up a lead, take a little  breather in the backstretch, and then come home free. Marlowe: You don't like to be rated yourself. Vivian: I haven't met anyone yet that can do it. Any suggestions? Marlowe: Well, I can't tell till I've seen you over a distance of ground. You've got a touch of class, but, uh...I don't know how - how far you can go. Vivian: A lot depends on who's in the saddle. Go ahead Marlowe, I like the way you work. In case you don't know it, you're doing all right. Marlowe: There's one thing I can't figure out. Vivian: What makes me run? Marlowe: Uh-huh. Vivian: I'll give you a little hint. Sugar won't work. It's been tried.

“Fuck” began to break into cinema when it was uttered once in the film Vapor (1963) and in two Andy Warhol films: Poor Little Rich Girl (1965) and My Hustler (1965), and later in each of two 1967 British releases, Ulysses and I'll Never Forget What's 'is name. It was also used several times in the 1969 British film Bronco Bullfrog.  According to director Robert Altman, the first time the word "fuck" was used in a major American studio film was in 1970's M*A*S*H, spoken by Painless during the football match at the end of the film. Since then it’s been a free-for-all as many films have attempted, and succeeded, in desensitizing audiences to the shocking effects of the F-word.

Bad Santa, a dreadful black comedy in which Billy Bob Thornton spends 90 minutes uttering non-stop expletives is one example. Another is 2017’s The Wife, an altogether splendid film—a great story complemented by terrific performances by Glen Close and Jonathan Prices—that suffers from what I would argue is overuse of the “F” word.

It’s not that I’m a prude; I’m not. It’s not that I’m offended. I’m not. It’s not that I don’t use the word; I do. And its not that I’m for censorship (heaven forfend!). But as a lover of and sometimes lecturer on old films, I’m saddened that writers and directors ignore context and insert gratuitous profanity in dialogue when the scene doesn’t really call for it. Okay, Tony Soprano’s crew really does talk that way, and so does Casino’s Nicky Santoro. And the creative social commentary of George Carlin and Lewis Black would fall pretty flat were it not punctuated by a flurry of forbidden expletives. In their mouths the language works; in the mouths of lesser so-called comedians it’s just unfunny. And unnecessary. It’s all a matter of context.  

It probably says something about the state of English-speaking society that there are people who actually count occurrences of the word ‘fuck’ in films. Director Martin Scorsese is the undisputed Father of Fuckage. “Fuck” and its derivatives is spoken a staggering 506 times in The Wolf of Wall Street, setting a new Guinness World Record for most swearing in one film. And Scorsese has two other films that made the top ten list of “fuck”-ridden films:

1. The Wolf of Wall Street (Martin Scorsese, 2013). 506 times (every 2.83 minutes). 2. Summer of Sam (Spike Lee, 1999). 435 times (every 3.06 minutes). 3. Nil by Mouth (Gary Oldman, 1997). 435 times (every 3.34 minutes). 4. Casino (Martin Scorsese, 1995). 422 times (every 2.4 minutes). 5. Alpha Dog (Nick Cassavetes, 2006). 367 times (every 3.11 minutes). 6. End of Watch (Dir. David Ayer, 2012). 326 times (every 2.99 minutes). 7. Twin Town (Kevin Allen, 1997). 318 times (every 3.21 minutes). 8. Running Scared (Wayne Kramer, 2006) 315 times (every 2.58 minutes). 9. Goodfellas (Martin Scorsese, 1990). 300 times (every 2.05 minutes). 10. Narc (Joe Carnahan, 2002). 297 times (every 2.82 minutes).

One could imagine the closing scene of Gone with the Wind if Scorsese had directed it. Perhaps it might have gone like this:

Scarlet: Rhett, I don’t know what the fuck to do! Rhett: Franky my dear, I don’t give a shit.