#art or writing? I CANT MAKE DECISIONS.

[sollucets]

can you rec some blogs to follow?

so unspecific! i love it. yes i can. go follow my mutuals or else [cocks water gun]

my gif coparent @khaotunq, @icouldhyperfixatehim who is So funny & insightful in tags, @pluto-attacks to go to gif book club together, @feralmuskyscentedhoepran for sheer joy, @tiistirtipii for regularly scheduled akkaye breakdowns, @hoppipolla of pretty writing and good music opinions, @dudeyuri for impeccable meta & text post skils (read their fics!), & to end an upsettingly short (and very very incomplete!) list @pranink for pretty pretty colors & lovely quotes

[sv4llm4nnen]

`

[drchucktingle]

heres to working outside the frame

i have had interesting artistic battle recently WITHIN MYSELF. a question of ‘should i make this big swing within this particular piece of art or should i play it safe and steady?' book in question is BURY YOUR GAYS and i have decided to take the big swing but i want to say why

wont give anything away but theres something in book that i know will be divisive however artistically i think it is exciting and new and speaks to the art. i know this going in (in same way i knew ending of camp damascus would be divisive but theres artistic reason for choice)

but still i was torn on this choice. this is BIG SWING after all. what put me over the edge is this: artistically this is something that ONLY I CAN DO right now in this moment. nobody else could put this in a book but me and that is exciting. so i decided YES. but heres the thing

when YOU are making your art, YOU are also making these choices. you are making decisions to stay on the worn path or to curve off in a way that ONLY YOU CAN DO. and while there is no wrong choice here, i am writing to encourage you to CARVE THAT NEW TROT THAT IS UNIQUE TO YOU

artistically this is a good idea but ALSO from business side consider this: every day there is more ai slop and sludge pouring out at faster rate. worn path was already crowded and now it is infinitely stuffed with heartless mud in a frame. fortunately YOU ARE OUTSIDE THE FRAME

you cant separate art from artist because art does not end at the frames edge or the movies runtime or the books last page. it is everything outside of that, the story and experience of how it got to your hands and what happens after. art is ALL of this. it is literally you

ai slop is all INSIDE the frame. it is not your story because it has no story. YOU wield the feeling someone gets when they learn your way and why you made what you did. which brings me back to beginning: when you reach artistic crossroads i say make the choice ONLY YOU can make

because even if those choices do not work or otherwise fail, AT LEAST THEY SOAR ABOVE THE SLOP. either way you risk missing the mark but path less traveled (that only YOU can take) will roar with fire and light and excitement. your uniqueness can SHATTER every frame, so use it

[spikeinthepunch]

as Craig of the Creek is coming to a close in the near future, i cant help but repeat again and again forever just how fantastic that show was and how i do wish it garnered more attention in tumblr's general cartoon fandom circle. it got little bursts of love when episodes about important topics came out, but it never saw it keep that love consistently- the whole show deserved that high praise.

CotC followed in the footsteps of Steven Universe and did more with that opening to representation and diversity!! this really showed how important SU was for cartoons. CotC has an incredibly diverse cast- in show and out of show. The writers/artists/storyboarders/etc themselves- poc, neurodivergent, and lgbt put their stories into these episodes by writing them into characters. cultures and experiences explored in ways i had never seen so frequently and so deeply in a kids show. i might have some bias but my internship on the show for a summer really let me see even more how that crew as a whole put their hearts into it, and how much that diversity is so important to any piece of art.

poc showing their home lives, unique experiences, and cultures. kids discovering their sexuality and being able to talk with older gays for advice! exploring the struggles and feeling with a kid who heavily implies having autism, genderfluid characters respected and unquestioned (and one being a literal creeksona of the nonbinary board artist Angel Lorenzana!), and overall the wide range of experiences children having with their parents, friends and overall life.

they are children, they write them will and are entertaining to everyone imo. when i saw the show has "serious" plot i mean that these writers care, they care a lot about making these characters mean something in the story, and that being for "kids" wont make them hold back on important messages, deeper feelings, and realistic actions. the world is shown through the lens of "playing pretend" to have those fantastical moments, but they pull back many times to show the reality. sometimes you make mistakes but you learn, you dont agree with your parents but you work it out, you make bad decisions and hurt your friends but you can grow. (in some ways i wonder if tumblr would devolve into old the SU thoughts of 'redemption' on these 10 year olds too and get mad about the 12 year old being redeemed for bullying so, maybe its ok it doesnt have a fandom that big lol). the shows core ideas bring a special kind of nostalgia- one part in the form of seeing myself in the world they made, but also getting to relive a feeling of childhood that maybe i didnt get.

i hope in the future people can discover this show. it was axed (along with its spinoff) in half by the execs. there were at least 7 more episodes ready to be made before they cut it. im so happy they ended up with 181 episodes and a movie, but it deserved to keep going. it got a good 5 years but it shouldve had more, it felt like a timeless show.

[pandorascripts]

I absolutely love your writing. I can ask for a yandere wednesday with a fem reader who is innocent and doesn't realize wednesday obsession, and when the reader try goes on date wednesday stops her

Ruins

warnings: yandere, obsession, mention of xavier thrope (I hate that man sm).

pairing: yandere!wednesdayaddams x reader

summary: wednesday cant stand the thought of someone tainting you before her, so when xavier tries to do it before she can, wednesday snaps. note: this is one the shorter side, maybe more of a drabble, but it’s one am and I’m a wee bit tired :^)

——————

Love. It was a truly odd thing when putting it out of context. If Wednesday told someone that she’d like to ruin you, taint you, break you down until you were as dark and deprived as herself, Wednesday would find herself in quite the unfortunate predicament. But if she was to say she loved you, wanted to show you everything she could do to you that would take away what most men find attractive in a woman — that being her virginity — people would surely agree, maybe event applaud her for the behavior. After all, it was similar to a man’s desire to ruin whatever he could get his hands on. 

Then again, there was something about your naiveness that had Wednesday melting like butter for you. The way you simply didn’t understand that her love for you was brutal, and dark, and completely wrong in the minds of normal people. Although, Wednesday never was truly normal, was she?

As she held your hand in hers, her mind raced with many different possibilities of how tonight could go. She could destroy you, make it so you could only ever dream of her touch, but she could also simply enjoy your innocence. Wednesday chose the latter, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t test it. She thought of ways to ask you on a date, to finally let you know of her love for you, but that all flew out the window at your next words. 

“Xavier asked me out,” you stated, shrugging as if it wasn’t a  big deal. 

Wednesday tensed, every part of her body trembled as she gritted her teeth. Why was Xavier nearing you? You were hers, Xavier had no right to touch her property. God, how she hated thieves. 

“You okay, Wednesday?” you asked, gently squeezing her hand. 

She shuddered. “Don’t go out with him. He’s a waste of your valuable time and simply a waste of space.”

You frowned, gaze returning to the packed halls of Nevermore. “Well, I dunno, he’s got some good traits, right? Like, he’s cool at art, and he’s not a total jerk —“

Wednesday cut you off, practically seething. “You will not be going on a date with him. My decision is final.”

She felt your hand slipping out of hers, a confused look plastered on your face. Wednesday scanned your features, realizing it wasn’t confusion at all. It was fear. Wednesday had made you scared of her. 

Desperate to save herself, she muttered some half-assed excuse. “Xavier’s only using you to get over Bianca. They have always had an on and off thing, and I just cant bear to see you hurt.”

You gulped sadly, nodding your head. Wednesday sighed, your hand was back in hers, right where it should be. 

A moment of silence passed between you two before you broke it. “Thanks, Wednesday.”

She nodded. “Of course.”

Wednesday looked down in shock, her shoulder gaining extra weight. There laid your head perfectly on her. She sighed, her eyes fluttering closed. Wednesday took in the smell of your vanilla perfume, the  scent completely intoxicating her and making her even more mad. She let out a heavy breath once more, moments like these were amazing. Just the peacefulness, and her desire growing along with her insanity. Not a single worry slipped through Wednesday’s mind. Only love for you, and everything you loved, swirled around her brain. 

Wednesday sighed. She’d played with the naïve part of you for too long. People were starting to get bold, and she couldn’t have thieves ruining you. Not when she so desperately needed to do it first. Wednesday was going to absolutely destroy you, and she decided that it was going to be very soon. 

[cbedfordart]

Hey! I’ve been following you for a while and I really love your art, it’s absolutely stunning and I love the way you paint and capture anatomy. I know this is a bit of a broad question but I was wondering if you had any tips on getting better at painting digitally and studying anatomy, maybe more specifically blending, colour picking, and structuring anatomy in a way that looks somewhat realistic?

Thanks and I'm glad you enjoy my work long enough to be following me for this long! I definitely love drawing a naked body that's for sure haha. In terms of tips for getting better there's a few things I can mention but it's going to fall broadly in the general answer of "study", because this is the most sure fire way to be able to understand what it is you're trying to emulate in your art. There are different ways to study, and they teach something slightly different. For example, doing studies from life (live drawing classes) help me understand movement in a way studying from a photograph cant, simply because you're seeing the same model in different poses in real time, you can see how the fat and muscle moves around as they shift to different positions. So they're not technically moving the whole time, but you're still seeing some movement there, and understanding what sticks to what while it rotates and bends. Studying from photographs can help give you time to do some real deep dives and investigate where different bones/muscles sit while someone is in a particular position. There's also the opportunity for understanding how shadows may be formed by the body as typically photographers are more conscious of how the subject may be lit than what may be available in a live drawing class. Beware though, as more things are photoshopped than you realise, not all photos represent reality. Especially glam and fashion photos. It doesn't mean its bad to want to have these effects on your work but just be conscious they might not always be anatomy accurate if that's what you're striving for. I sometimes make a conscious decision to go against what is anatomically correct for a certain effect myself. A book I have been recommending for years for anatomy is Dr. Paul RIcher's "Artistic Anatomy". It's great for understanding muscle structure intimately - it's designed specifically for artists, but with the idea of trying to stylise the diagrams as little as possible for the sake of understanding the human form. There's a lot of great info and detail in here, but beware, there is not a lot of variety in body structure (at least not in the edition I have which is missing female anatomy I think already so I'm not sure what else I don't have in here). So you'll be able to understand function a lot from here but you wont be able to learn a lot about fatter body types sadly.

Colour picking is probably the most difficult for me to explain easily, as I have spent a long time winging it, then studying it, then being really experimental with it. I could write a lot a lot about this but to spare making this post any longer I'll refer to another fun book just for getting started on some frequent and common terms called "Color and Light" by James Gurney.

I also love that he uses like, dinosaurs for everything in here lol. It's a great starting point that can give you some go to ideas that you can then experiment from there. It's not very authoritarian (or at least that's what I feel), and doesn't push anything forward as a hard and fast rule, just showing what affects some colour combinations might instil in someone.

As a whole, I've gotten better at painting digitally by studying traditional painting techniques. They theories are basically transferrable one to one with some few exceptions. I tend to blend my colours by simply using a soft round brush in Photoshop with a low opacity. Much the same way I would with a real canvas, with a large round brush and diluted colour. I hope this answers your questions in some way. I tried to be not too specific only because this answer would be at least another 30k words lol because this is something i think a lot about! I love technique! If I ever stream again, feel free to pop in and ask more questions where I might be able to show some stuff in real time! Not sure when that will happen though!

Also the way i do stuff isn't a "correct" way either. I like painting from imagination so this is how I make that work. Some people like to only work with references for every piece, and that is a completely legit way to create stunning art as well. Good luck!

[zan0tix]

Overall i wanted to know have you read The epilogue or homestuckv2 and what do you think of it, or have you read it?

and i love ur arstyle!! so much gays and i love the style!!

I skimmed all of the epilogues and hs2 two years ago so i know what happens to each character in each timeline. I ACTUALLY GENUINELY HATE THEM.

I dont think i have to state that the writing decisions were horrible BUT HS2 OHHHH MY GOD hs2 actually makes me fume. It takes all the artistic intent with homestucks visual presentation and character design choices AND THROWS THEM OUT THE WINDOW?

Homestucks art and animation is so important to it. The design philosophy is literally the easiest thing to understand ever- the adults all have unique shapes and look like adults because they are adults and the children are small because theyre children!!!! BUT IN HS2 THEY ALL STILL LOOK LIKE TEENAGERS? It feels like comparing the 90s cats movie to the 2019 one its like that for me. LET ME EXPLAIN

The first one is a strange ambitious story for its medium, playing with the conventions people expect to see from something like it and using its cliches to its advantage and making them enjoyable. Theyre both so fun to look at and watch and have a huge cast with something for everyone, its a unique and strange experience that really nothing else can provide, and they will never leave you!

Then the second ones while they have things that are. Technically impressive and constructed well with the visuals- they completely miss all the artistic intent of the original and the very simple reasons the way they were built the way they were. It feels like a spit in the face of people who were really engaged in the original

DONT TKAE THIS TANGENT TOO SERIOUSLY Im just trying to say. I think the epilogues and hs2 feel really corporatised and mean spirited i cant enjoy them. I think dirkjake divorce is funny and can be interesting but otherwise i DONT CARE ABT ANYTHING ELSE GOING ON IN THERE ITS ALL SO BORING AND MEAN.

It really does sadden me because there was so much left to be explored and such a compelling cast of characters to work with and subjects in the air the tackle but NO. And all the charm of the presentation style was just Gone. IM NOT A FAN.

Hehe i was talking abt this with a friend but i think if you were to truly try and tackle something like homestuck with a cast as beloved as its and get them Correct youd need to assemble a team who are willing to dedicate themselves to doing character studies and charting out all their arcs and playing with their themes that were established previously.

I love homestuck with all my heart and i truly believe a continuation of canon could be really good in the hands of people who deeply care abt Homestuck (not just certain characters but Everything that went into it) but the post canon we got WAS NOT IT. Im a hater 👎

ALSO THANK YOUUU‼️‼️‼️All the gays. Gay the world

[padme-amitabha]

I just saw a post calling ahoska and obi wan anakins truest loves and uh what? It brought up the mortis arc of tcw and essentially minimizing the anidala love for one another as some form of escapism and how its poison ( even tho vader literally gets saved bc of luke - padmes son🙄) Its so strange how ahsoka fans want to make her a more prominent character than she really is. Also a recurring opinion that gets brought up is ahsoka knowing/understanding anakin better than padme and obi wan when she didn’t even know things about him (like he was a slave) and we consistently see anakin confide in padme its just so odd how alot of star wars fans diminish her

That doesn't surprise me at all since Star Wars is Ahsoka Wars at this point. And even if it wasn't, you have to give the Skywalkers at least some rest uk? The constant retconning and addition of new stuff most people didn't even ask for is tiresome. Ahsoka from the start felt very OC-ish to me because she was constantly hyped and favored in a way not even Anakin was. She felt like a self-insert jedi character so her place is canon is just weird. And forcing her to be important in places where she's not needed just shows Filoni's favoritism. At least GL wasn't ever really biased towards Anakin and Luke. Anakin mainly suffered through so much and had enough flaws and complexies which Ahsoka never had. She's constantly in a plot armor and just overpowered imo. But ofc she's a badass Jedi so she is more popular than Padme. I cant even.. I just hate the way TCW and Filoni wrote her. I don't see Anakin as being a big brother to anyone. Or being a teacher. The only other natural interaction he has except Padme and his mother is with Obi-Wan and even that took time. They didn't get along well in the first two movies and although he does joke around with Obi Wan in ROTS, he has his own slightly awkward and shy way of doing it. And I imagine he's semi reserved and shy with other Jedi. Or when we see him interacting with Padme's family. But to make him a responsible master is strange because even in ROTS he was too young and not mature enough to be level-headed and responsible all the time. And I like that because he has flaws but he was trying to learn and wanted to be a good father. And I do believe he really gained that maturity (which was stunted due to obvious trauma) and fatherly affection for Luke after ESB and not before. I think he would have had trouble connecting with Leia as well post ROTJ because he wasn't prepared to and had no experience being a role model for anyone. Meanwhile, 22 year old TCW Anakin with Ahsoka acts like a 30 year old man with anger issues...

It's also frustrating to see Padme being reduced to a love interest when she was a main character and part of the trio. She, like Han, didn't need to be a Jedi to be one of the main characters and it's boring to see a trio of Jedi only. I don't really blame Ahsoka fans - only Filoni for constantly dragging her into everything and I'm glad it's backfiring because I see fans who previously liked her are beginning to get tired of her being shoehorned into every single SW thing and acting all Mary Sue. Also, see the amount of concept arts and storylines they wrote for Padme during the prequels. She had more arts than Anakin and Obi-Wan. GL clearly wanted her to be important even more than Leia in ANH because we see much more of Padme and the first movie directly involves her and her planet with Anakin's discovery being a sideplot. It's disrespectful to reduce her to a love interest.

This video puts it really well (although he isn't a fan of the prequels as far as I can remember): "Dave Filoni's biggest problem as a writer apart from his complete inability to write interesting dialogue or craft stories that are more than just fetch quest for Magical McGuffin or create people who actually make smart decisions or his borderline fetish for the boring mediocre character he's trying so hard to insert as the driving force behind the entire Star Wars narrative is his constant [ __ ] around and reconning of past events and World building to suit the needs of his own narrow story. It's like he's staying in a hotel room for a couple of days and decided that he now has the right to completely remodel the place because he feels like it. This isn't your job Dave you're supposed to work within the rules of the world that George created not write a whole bunch of new ones just to suit yourself that now affect everyone else."

Lol applause for saying that out loud

[apollos-olives]

Think that anon person about poetry stupid and ask Apollo Olives to figure out what in THEM anon heart. Can't ask Apollo Olives "make all decisions for us" that not fair and have to do own best to be a good person and learn how do that. Not fair ask Palestinian on tumblr "make everybody feel good about MY art" and then cant know "is in my heart do good help Palestinians, or just get attention me me me me?" Apollo Olives not tell if anon is have good things best in heart because only anon know that for sure sure sure.

Have to do things for self sometimes. And ask for help yes, but not say "me me me, too hard, friends do it all now."

yeah, you get it. it's just frustrating when people ask me questions that i can't give them straight answers to because at the end of the day it all comes down to intention. and i can't tell when people have good intentions or not online, so i worry people are using and abusing this fragile situation to benefit from. it's not my responsibility to tell whether or not someone is well meaning over their art or writing for palestine, because the boundary for this is a very tough one. it's not something i can keep answering for because i don't know people's intentions. i just want people to stop profiting and gaining attention for their art and writing for palestine when instead we should be boosting palestinian artists and writers.

[confusedalpacart]

i have a lot of complicated feelings rn that i just. cant write out. but i had to make some kinda decision about whats going to happen so heres An Update:

made a Cohost page and will post art there

will continue updating this blog for now

will also continue with instagram for now

i am still extremely mad about The Situation

will probably reupload a couple of things i especially liked so my page isnt completely empty for a while

[fonulyn]

wait hi so is leon an alcholic or not cos i cant write the guy struggling if i dont know what hes got issues with

no, he is not.

the answer very much depends on who you ask bc half the fandom has decided that yes he is just because he dares to have a drink. i swear to god the attitude people have about alcohol...

personally, I am always going to say no, he is not. does he use alcohol as a bad coping mechanism sometimes? sure. but that doesn't mean he's an alcoholic. i've personally dealt with a shit day sometimes with a bottle of vodka but it doesn't make me an alcoholic and it doesn't mean i can't (and regularly do) go months without a single drop of it.

canonically we see or hear of him drinking:

in the og re2 he was hungover and missed his first day. his girlfriend broke up with him and he dealt with it by drinking too much. he was also 21, and probably went through a big heartbreak, so even if it wasn't the most solid decision who could blame him.

he takes a sip from JD's flask in Damnation. after the licker attack. that, in my opinion, is more his way of sort of toasting JD, and it's not like he's trying to get drunk. even if he was, a flask that size? good luck trying lmao.

at the end of Damnation he's pouring himself a drink. he just survived a massive ordeal, so honestly, so would I. I'm only including numbers 2 and 3 to be thorough bc I don't even think he was even close to being drunk in either instance.

he is drinking in Vendetta when they come get him at the bar. he's alone, he's on vacation, and he's dealing with yet another traumatic incident (story of his life lmao). he's holed himself away to deal with his shit in private, and if it does involve alcohol in inadvisable amounts? he's an adult he can do it if he so pleases. would there be better ways to deal with things? sure. does it make him an alcoholic? hell no.

just. using alcohol occasionally as a bad coping mechanism does not make someone an alcoholic. there is absolutely no indication in canon that he can not function without alcohol, or that his life revolves around it in a manner that would be concerning. he's an adult who sometimes drinks. end of story.

that all being said? if you want to write a fic where he struggles with alcoholism? go for it! fiction exists so we can put them in situations that are not 100% canonical. i've done it myself too, i have a couple of fics where i wrote him a (recovering) alcoholic because it fit the story i wanted to tell and the themes i wanted to explore. it's not wrong at all, and you can use what's in canon to extrapolate that and it can still be very plausible! you don't need to limit yourself because of that :)

what gets on my nerves is the fandom tendency to act as if it's god's word that he's absolutely an alcoholic no matter what bc how dare a person have a drop of alcohol. it's different to explore it in fic (or in art) than to claim that it's an inherent part of canon when it's not.

[empty-blog-for-lurking]

Okay i have a very silly question

who would win in a fight? Canon Shiro, canon Kuron, ps8 Kuron or c&ai Kuron? Whether or not weapons are allowed is up to you

You could propably throw in shrödinger au Shiro to the mix but i kinda doubt this guy would really fight the others........

Ohhh this is good question!!! Ok listen, truth to be told i am kinda shit at analyzing fight skills and just physical fights in general. Literally every fight scene i see i am like "ok why cant we shoot at the problem? I am pretty sure a hidden sniper can take them out, a bullet in the head is still a bullet in the head". I understand this doesnt make for cinema and cool scenes At All not to mention sometimes they do give good answers (immortality of homunculi in fmab, no guns in atla) but still. Not to mention i feel like fights dont have definate winner. Skills matter!! A lot!!! Especially in competitions with rules!! However other factors can change the outcome and often people skilled at one thing may not be skilled at other. Fighter could be tired or sick or anything. This is especially true for unofficial fights. So please take this with a grain of salt

So i personally feel like c&ai!Kuron has the highest chances of winning, it is because-

1) the years he has on all of them. Like Shiro become such an excellent fighter in 1 hell year of fighting in galra empire, now imagine the training he'll get of 6 hell years of fighting in the yeehaw sector.

2) He fights dirty. Very very dirty. Now i do think all Shiros and all Kurons are willing to fight dirty if situation calls for it, however c&ai!Kuron has learnt several tricks from fighting and surviving people who would do anything to win and survive and he would use them

3) He has gun and training from Lance and he wont hesitate, bitch!

However i doubt he'll actually would seriously fight the others. He's chill and he's not fighting them to survive so he probably wont, like possibly take in a few punches, go down in first round, be like "Oh noo you beat meee" and just outta there and get himself a drink.

Canon!Shiro and Canon!Kuron i believe are equals in fighting skill (also i am subscribing to the headcanon/theory by either @/headspacedad or @/void-tiger (i am so sorry i do not know who made it😭😭) that Kuron was holding back against Keith and still fighting against Haggar cause no fucking way his twink ass won.) Therefore i feel they'll have equal chances and would prove to be a challege for each other as well as c&ai!Kuron. If we are talking about Haggar taking control of Kuron than Shiro would win.

Ps8!Kuron is not winning this but he will fight with unadulterated rage. He just got his body back and just relearned how to write again. He is getting into cage matches to get better (horrible decision made while a breakdown really) git his ass kicked and then kicked ass but it would take a while before he reaches his former self's skill level.

Sr!Shiro is also definately NOT winning this. All the others are like super cool badass fighter with training and skill that they still remember despite their circumstances. Sr!Shiro? That man is literally Just Some Guy™. At best you can expect martial arts training he may have done as a kid but other than that? Nah, they'll chew him alive

Anyway thanks for asking!!!!

[ilikecheeseandchocolatee]

Vent time. Don’t read if not in the right mental space. Make note of the tags before reading the post.

It’s too much whatever is going on in the world there’s too much to keep up with too put up with to speak up about it’s all getting overwhelming now. Why can’t I live in a world where I’m not constantly on the spot for not talking about x or y or just. I want to sit down and breathe and watch maybe 7 different TV shows and not have another care in the world. But most of all I HATE seeing everyone treating everything as either black or white. I get it and i get that it’s human nature to do that and it requires some advanced psychology shenanigans to be able to fully see things as different shades of grey or even other colours but I’m so. Tired. Of it. It’s always “x company is doing y bad thing or letting z bad thing take place and boycotting will make a difference” and “x government is carrying out genocide on y group of people we need to protest because human lives are at stake” and it’s all valid but I’m so tired of living in a world with this stuff. On top of all personal struggles we’re expected to handle the weight of the entire world’s bad decisions too. It shouldn’t be like this, i shouldn’t be sitting on my bed and going online to talk about the multitude of bad decisions in the world. I should be making art and writing songs and creating and being myself I shouldn’t have to do this all the time. There are things going wrong in the world most people will never hear about, there are things only certain communities are aware about and you a random internet user will never know about it and can never speak about it. There’s so many things like that. And then big things come along and feel like yeah this is it this is where the world is going wrong like no the world is already very fucking wrong right now this isn’t supposed to be the kind of life a person lives in an advanced civilisation, made of creatures that are capable of communication but simply don’t do it properly. I’m just one kid. I’m just one kid trying to not fucking kill myself every single second and i shouldn’t have to worry about what government I should be supporting because the only choice I have now is the lesser of multiple evils. It shouldn’t be like this. Why can’t we as humans just be better.

It makes me feel so scared of myself all over again because that villainy mindset where people are like “we should just rebuild the world from scratch” sounds more appealing to me than trying to fix the current mess. Maybe exterminate every single human being and suddenly there won’t be any problems we need to solve. Mother Nature will take over and save what little is left. That’s the sort of thinking I did all the time when my depression was really bad. Now I’m starting to think that way again. It might be because yesterday was the first panic attack I’ve had in months and it scared me shitless because i CANT go back to that, i can’t go back to living like that, not when I’ve been given a glimpse of what life is like for normal people, who don’t feel like killing themselves every time something exists. Antidepressants are both the best and worst thing that happened to me because now i know what I’m missing out on but i only get a few drops of it randomly and i don’t get to choose when and then when I have a panic attack i panic even MORE because I’m terrified of going back to the life where the only thing I could think about was death. The hellhole that so many people worked so hard to pull me out of, when I’m having an attack I feel the same way and it’s awful because at first that was all I’ve ever known but now I know that life doesn’t have to be like that and maybe i should live. Feeling like killing myself after feeling like maybe i should live is a horrible fucking feeling. The state of the world doesn’t help. There’s already too many expectations to live up to in my individual life I can’t be vocal about all the problems in the world because in my eyes for practically all my life the literal existence of humans has always been the main problem. Because if I didn’t exist I wouldn’t have any problems, so if no one existed no one would have problems. It makes so much sense to me right now and that’s terrifying because it’s exactly how I used to feel before. I can’t go back to that now i simply can’t. Not after experiencing a few drops of normalcy. I can’t do it. It’s so fucking hard right now to look at the world and all the shit people do and not grab a knife and slit myself somewhere anywhere. I always have a bad few days recovering from panic attacks but this time there’s just so much more, this time I’m on antidepressants and i know what it could be like. How do people handle this shit? How do people live life in this world and not utterly lose their minds and go insane? I certainly can’t do it. I’ve been doing it for so long and i can confirm that i can’t fucking do it. How are there normal people out there in a world that’s so fucked up.

Sometimes I wish I was ignorant of all problems. That i was maybe raised in a conservative republican American household where my only problems are not being able to find a boyfriend and people at school who do unholy things like kiss the same gender or that shit. Those would be my problems and life would be more peaceful and not so torturous. Where I can be mad at people for existing and not feel guilty about it. Where i can tell people to kill themselves without knowing that that’s a horrible thing to wish upon anyone. Being ignorant and blissful. I want that so much but i wouldn’t be able to live with myself even then because i AM queer and some day even as a conservative I’d figure that out and hate my life all over again. It just never ends this vicious cycle of hating any existence you have, never being happy. I just want to live and be happy, and if I don’t get that i want to die. I’m not allowed either of those options I’m just here I’m just having to look at the world around me and see all the various problematic people and problematic decisions and viewpoints and opinions and mindsets and i just have to fucking pretend that it’s normal. It’s not normal it should be this way. And if this is normal maybe i don’t want it and maybe i don’t want life. It shouldn’t be this way. I can’t do this anymore. Everything hurts and I’m tired. I hate the chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me want to kill myself and kill everyone and I hate the fact that this is so normalised now like if someone tells you they’re depressed your only reaction is yeah mate me too, like. It’s NOT supposed to be thsisbway. Chemically fucked up brain shouldn’t be the default state of the brain. Why are people like this. Why are people killing each other. Why can’t we just learn to live with each other. Why do we have to fight over imaginary lines separating different areas with imaginary names and call each other abnormal for having a different skin colour or a different choice in mates or a different fucking hairstyle like why can’t we just be like all the other animals, just primal instincts and protect your own and that shit. Maybe there would be less sadness in this world and maybe there would be less suicide. Maybe i wouldn’t be feeling like this and maybe i wouldn’t be confined to a room for days just because i had a stupid panic attack with a stupid trigger that doesn’t even make sense and just for the sake of keeping the people around me safe from me I have to stay in one place and it’s just not fair. It shouldn’t be like this. I should get to be normal and have a normal life. I shouldn’t be in a world where access to the internet is the norm and you’re supposed to know what government is good or bad or like companies and shit and i shouldn’t have to have opinions that are always scrutinised. I’m bullied for having the wrong opinion and when I have the right opinion I’m bullied by the others. I can never please anyone and least of all myself so why am i even trying at this point. Just because some people I’ve never met are telling me it’s gonna be okay one day and i won’t regret choosing to live and not die. Some day that “one day” will come and it will have been worth it? It will never be worth it. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and i wouldn’t want anyone to go through this sort of pain only for it to be “worth it” in the future some day. It’s never worth it. Living like this is never worth it. We shouldn’t even be alive if this is what I have to do to be normal. I hate everything. I hate the world around me and i hate being part of it. I hate having so many expectations to meet and i hate having so many people to please. I hate having to stand up for people I’ve never met because a group of people insist on genocide. I hate this and i hate it so so much. I have more willpower than everyone in my family combined because it’s honestly a miracle that i can even hold myself back from killing myself given the way I constantly feel.

But I hate having panic attacks that take literal days from me, that disable me from going to places I want to go to and doing things I want to do. I hate the chemicals in my brain deciding to make my life as much of a shitshow as it can get because clearly everything that’s already happened isn’t enough.

Honestly if you made it this far please tell me you’re proud of me for not giving in to the urges and killing myself. After so long of feeling neutral it’s so hard to go back to feeling like this and still having some ounce of control over myself. Please be proud of me because i need other people to hold my hand and tell me that I’m doing the right thing. Not killing muself is the right thing and i just have to believe in that long enough for it to become true. I surprise myself with how well I’ve handled myself ever since I found out that I’m not crazy I’m just mentally ill. Maybe i should sleep.

[ineffable-hubbiewubbies]

i cant remember if this has been done before but here are the poet’s favorite children’s books!!

todd:

todd loves the magic of this book, it's been his favorite for as long as he can remember. he thinks its so creative yet simplistic, and he loves the aesthetic of it. it's a little long, but he likes that because it puts him to sleep, and he can read it across several nights.

neil:

neil's always thought this book was adorable, and it made him feel nice and cozy!! he wants overalls just like the mouse. it provided the comfort that he never got from his father. he also just really likes cookies.

pitts:

i honestly dont remember anything about this book but it just looks like something pitts would love. i mean come on, the protagonist is a frog. that's so him. he'd appreciate the art style, and i think he'd enjoy a classic bedtime story to wind him down for the night.

meeks:

meeks loves the messages of this book, but his favorite interpretation is the dangers of classism. he thinks the rhymes are fun too, they remind him of the silly poems he used to write when he was little.

charlie:

of course charlie, resident chaos demon, is obsessed with this book. david is his idol, his hero. he always felt especially mischevious after reading this book and the days that followed saw an uptick in disciplinary infractions. his parents hated it.

cameron:

cameron was always a bit of a rule follower when he was a kid, so he enjoyed laughing and yelling at the pigeon for its stupid decisions. he also liked the nice, clean aesthetic/art style. he tried to make his handwriting look like the writing on the cover, and that’s how he writes to this day

canon knox:

honestly i just picked this because its kinda nasty looking. it’s a little silly, but also pretty gross, just like him! but tbh fanon knox would probably enjoy this book, too, bc it seems kinda cool if you can get past the nastiness.

fanon knox:

knox just likes dr seuss in general, but he chooses this book as his favorite bc it rhymes with his name. also, not many people have heard of it and he wants to be ✨different✨ 🫦 . his actual favorite is “oh, the places you’ll go!”

if you have any ideas for keating, chris, ginny, etc., please feel free to rb with them!!!

[dungeons-and-dragon-age]

Hellooooooooooo

4, 8 and 12 for everyone, or all of your blorbos you'd think you'd have more to say! :3

[ask game]

Hiii!! Thanks for enabling me Arja fhsfdskldf, and apologies for the wait! :')

4. In developing their backstory, what elements of the world they live in played the most influential parts? 

Neira: chantry indoctrination u.u

Kala: being casteless and the iron hold the carta had on her

Liam: the Everything about his family but especially leandra

Lilian: being an apostate, and malcom

June: being a mage, and coming from a religious noble family

Ari: in a roundabout way, some parts of qun teachings his parents passed on to him

Adriel: all the ways in which she stands in between things

Noya: her family

Var'renan: her clan, specially tamlen

8. What (if anything) do you relate to within their character/story? 

this ended up being more a "which traits do you share" oops but i hope that works!

Neira: being acutely aware of responsibility, trying too hard to avoid/postpone making decisions, her relationship with her sexuality (& gender, kinda)

Kala: her brand of defiance & stubbornness & sense of self, her fascination for the world around her and the live for little things, her wayof emotionally detaching herself when needed

Liam: the tendency to get too melancholy and stuck on the past, the wanting to stay out of drama the best he can. & his general sense of privacy and boundaries around it are similar to mine i think

Lilian: her the way she deals with intrapersonal conflicts and her attitude towards life, her brand of protectiveness and bond with her siblings

June: her trouble with social graces and expectations/politeness, her body type kinda?, her way of thinking wrt problem solving

Ari: wanting to get things done by himself, overthinking social interactions, "i'll just finish this one thing" "oh crap it's 3am"

12. What have you found to be most difficult about creating art for your OC (any form of art: writing, drawing, edits, etc.)? 

Neira: her fuckign. Face shape. Sometimes it looks just like i want sometimes it looks awful, it's a 50/5p thing. Also i never get her to look skinny and lanky in the way i want. & drawing burn scars is hard </3

Kala: the braiidd i struggle sm with braids and i always forget to adjust the length over time lol. Also her height & making her look fat and beefy in the way i want

Liam: height again </3 also his dai era hair..... how even does one draw short spiky hair that sticks up all over the place

Lilian: still cant quite settle on the exact body type for her... And her nose, i can never get it right smh

June: very easy to make her look too young rip

Ari: horns >:( specially the broken one lolol i'm so sorry Ari for constantly butchering your horns 😔. And his proportions give me trouble smh....

Noya: i actually hate drawing her face tattoo more than renan's vallaslin lol. Also her hair and nose.. i still struggle with curly hair and i am super finicky about the nose shape and i can never get it Quite Right

Var'renan: i def have a tendency to exaggerate their nose too much cos i really like the convex shape :') Also, vallaslin TT

[metanarrates]

Ah man i was thinking about the genshin ask you got the other day because it reminded me of my experience playing it for maybe a year? Definitely less + only played regularly for a portion of that duration + never managed to catch up with the main story. Long ask coming up ahead 😭

Anyway this is related because while i haven't played a hoyoverse game since then, i have been somewhat familiar with the lore surrounding their little multiverse and it is insane the disparity in quality between the Honkai titles and Genshin. Better writing, better game design, better art, the whole shebang (i believe honkai impact is centered around the story of a bunch of of tragic subtextual lesbians who in attempting to defy fate beome gods of destruction or whatever. Yippee). Interestingly, or perhaps not so interestingly depending on who you talk to, ive found that genshin's developmemt has an extreme emphasis on commercialism where the Honkai games do not. And of course with that commercial emphasis you end up with what's essentially a glorified vehicle for escapism, as you have to appeal to as broad of an audience as possible and that means advertising to concepts they find palatable and comforting. But even within the genre, hoyoverse is a unique outlier for the narrative precedent of escapism that it sets. There is an overarching theme concerning the nature of destiny and defiance of it, and this clashes with the end of the writing necessarily needing to refuse to challenge audience expectations. If you want to tell a story of how a lone hero transcends the clause of narrative inevitability as a stand-in for self discovery or triumph over inequitabilities, then you sort of. Have to??? Make complex multidimensional characters with their own agency and fleshed out internal conflict. However, the story then must serve itself, prioritize itself, over the quandary of status quo. This clashing of creative goals and economic means results in a product that at its core feels incredibly confused, like it cant decide what it wants to be. Honkai titles, by contrast, arent intended to be a mild fantasy for the player to lose themselves in. It's still ultimately just a chess piece in the corporate game Hoyo is playing, but at the very least, it chooses a direction and sticks with it, framing marketing decisions around an established narrative appeal. Something to chew on, i suppose. Definitely fuel to consider the relationship between capitalism and fiction

that's so interesting! I always find it fascinating when the need for wide audience appeal clashes with the seeming goal of a story. I'm interested in the conditions around the development of a work in general (ive read a LOT of stuff about rgu's development, for example) but in works like this I'm always very curious about what happened in those game studios. was it a case where the writers wanted to do something but the studio shot it down? or was it literally the writers having to deal with those conflicting needs without consciously acknowledging it and created a work that shoots itself in the foot? doesn't matter either way, I guess, but I would like to know.