#as i got older and realized i may have adhd it made sense to why when i actually starting learning to drive it was overstimulating hell

[h0neywheat]

I honestly do not understand how people can be calm and enjoy driving. there's so many rules of the road and shit to pay attention to and possible distractions that can result in tragedy. it's mentally exhausting and unpredictable. if you make a mistake the best case scenario is someone honking, the worst is ending up dead or killing someone.

[punkeropercyjackson]

I want to know everything about Nia!

AND MONTHS LATER,YOU ARE FINALLY GETTING HIM!!!!

Nia The Dragon Nomad,born just Nia,just Nia and is 16 at the start of the series

His version of the franchise is called 'Avatar:The Airbender Legacies' and it's 4 books instead of 3 and the 4th one is 'Book 4:Air'

He's half Air Nomad,half Fire Nation but specifically the black etchnic subgroup in the comics you helped me discover which is what led to his creation!!As pointed out by jewish Atla fans,it would be more realistic for the AN to have a small surviving population that went into hiding after the Air Nomad Genocide and Nia's mom is a descendant of them!His parents names are Yung and Dahla and Nia's mixed heritage is symbolism for the coming era of peace

Nia was born in the Fire Nation as lower class,Dahla a homemaker and Yung a chef at the Fire Nation Palace.Dahla has Air Nomad features but never practiced her culture for safety so nobody could point it out without sounding like a maniac and Yung's job led to Nia meeting Zuko when they were 4 years old and becoming best friends and keeping it a secret since Zuko and Azula weren't allowed to befriend 'peasents'(hence why Ozai encouraged Azula to only interact with Mai and Ty Lee).Nia was unaware of not being fully FN but his dad was one of the first prisoner's of The Boiling Rock for a crime he didn't commit and this led to to his mom using Airbending publicly to try to stop him from being taken away so the next day,their house was burned down with her in it by Fire Nation supremacists and Nia being only 13 at the time had no choice but to run away and become a Nomad,leaving Zuko a tear stainned letter in pink ink explaining what happened and telling him how much he loved him as a person and for being his best friend(Nia wouldn't find out Dahla had been an Air Nomad for a long time,not being present when she bended and Zuko got a lot meaner after he left since he was his only real loved one due to Ursa's dissaperance and desperately looked for clues on him,seeing him everywhere even though he was gone)

Nia learned firebending on his own and made a name for himself on his travels by helping people with kindness and resources and fighting for them,committing various anti-imperialist crimes.During this time,he realized he's trans and is a woman and a man at the same time and his gender presentation is very feminine but he uses only masculine ponouns!!He's also autistic,adhd,mdd and anxious and his hair is 4b textured

Personality wise,Nia is very much an Air Nomad-He's super bubbly,openly kind and gentle,silly,optimistic,unrestrained and open-minded.He follows the no kill rule as a buddhist but also believes in severe brutality and has anger issues,low self-eestem and a snarky sense of humor,is very older sisterly/pseudo-momish as a coping mechanism from having almost no positive adult figures as a kid and being picked on by other kids and even adults all the time and his interests are pink/pastel things,suncakes,art,games,animal life and dancing!!!

He's introduced in 'The Warriors of Kyoshi' as he was on Kyoshi Island due to his travels and joins the Gaang because of his instant platonic connection with Aang.Aang says there's something familiar about Nia he can't quite place and he takes on the mom friend title instead of Katara since he's the eldest now and actually did it to himself instead of parentification like her.The two girls bond over being feminine and him and Sokka bicker all the time due to opposite personalities but they really are friends and Kataang is still a thing here so Nia wingmans them

It takes a hot minute for Zunia to reunite(as in several episodes)but Zuko gets hints to it through reports from his crew and is in denial of it at first only because he dosen't want his hopes to be crushed.We get flashbacks to their childhood days,including Zuko drawing both of them as dragons and Nia making strawberry suncakes for the first time for them to share as foreshadowing and this makes their reunion all the more upsetting because they don't even recognize eachother at first due to Nia's complete style change and Zuko's scar,plus the puberty,on top of his old best friend hunting down his new best friend at the order of his dad who he always made him feel safe from.There's a lot of tears and yelling and Nia has to be comforted by his honorary younger siblings afterwards and Zuko has to pretend nothing happened for the sake of not putting him in danger

Nia's very strong and smart so he's a pretty useful addition to The Gaang and provides comedy/jokes too and Aang tells him about The Air Nomads for funsies which leads to

The 'Dahla was actually an Air Nomad' drops happens in 'The Avatar State' when Aang and Nia are trying to figure out Avatar stuff together and it leds to spiritual magic jizz revealing it through Nia's soul.They're heavily shocked but Aang bursts into happy tears and tackle hugs Nia,rambling about how happy he is that he's not actually The Last Airbender and Nia smiles and agrees,telling him he already thinks of him as his little brother and Aang views him as his older sister so they officially dub eachother 'The Flight Siblings',Sokka telling them it's a stupid name and Katara drops water him for it.In 'The Blue Spirit',Nia had romantic moments with Zuko in his Blue Spirit suit so he gains a dreamy crush on him that's played for irony and second-hand embarrasment humor.Aang becomes Nia's Airbender Master starting in 'Nomads,Leafs and Forevers' and this strengthens their bond big time

Nia rejected Jet's attempted flirtatiouns on first meeting by saying 'I came here to make friends-Only friends so instead of trying something,try covering my back' and they got along well from then on even post 'betrayal',Toph dissed him at first because of how girly Nia but after they actually talked they clicked perfectly,'The Tale of Nia' replaces Iroh's section and it's about him saving a group of kids from Earth Kingdom propaganda by impressing them and being sweet to them and it's implied they grew up to be freedom fighters and 'The Tale of Zuko' is a gag bit where girls keep trying to hit on him but he keeps comparing them to Nia subcounciously so none of them stick,Ty Lee let's out a loud squee when she meets Nia again face to face and squishes him up in a hug as she says she's missed seeing his pretty pink face(platonically)and Mai drawls that he's gotten even weirder and Azula adresses him as 'Nini' when she was younger but also 'The Avatar's babysitter' now and they don't know eachother at all well since Ozai didn't even know about Nia being best friends with his son

Jet survives his attempted assisination by the Dai Li and joins the Gaang as it's 'token bad' teammate(not really,he's just genuinely radical).The shippy undertones between him and Katara are gone as they turn into platonic close friends and he acts as the cool bitchy but reliable older brother.Hama is also never villanized but potrayed as a tragic figure and a badass who gets reperations from the Fire Nation and basically adopts the Gaang as her grandkids,Katara still being scared of Bloodbending and choosing not to kill Yon Rha so Hama does the job for her since Kya was her childhood friend's daughter and she's built for killing fascists already,not being only 14.Yung and Dahla are given big significance on Nia's story as his parents and how they influenced him as a person like Zuko and their own life experiences did and 'The Dragon Nomad' is a title given to him pre-series because of being a traveling firebender but also has a double meaning that wasn't even intentional in-universe and there's quips about it as a running gag

Nia's none too eager to return to The Fire Nation but powers through and teaches his teammates how to blend in and takes them to a clothing store he used to go to as a kid and they have a positive talk with the owner not recognizing them until they all leave and as they exited,they make a comical expression and whisper 'I always knew that kid wasn't dead!I don't think that little airhead can even die!'.As they settle in,Nia can't help but go visit where his old home used to be to see nobody had even bothered picking things up or replacing it with a new building and it makes them tear up and he brakes down on his knees,screaming about how much he hates fire as he breathes pink flames from his mouth and dosen't even notice.He stays that way for a solid onscreen 30 seconds and is found by Zuko who frantically picks him up and hides him in an ally with him before soldiers can find him.He dosen't get to comfort him for long as Nia fully registers the situation and shoots up,curtly saying with a glare 'Thanks for the shoulder to cry on,Zuko'.Hope you're enjoying your new life perfect life without me' and runs off back to the Gaang's temporary residence and Zuko dosen't even bother getting up,struggling to find the words until Nia's too far to hear him,yelling out 'BUT IT'S NOT MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU!YOU'RE THE CLOSEST THING I'VE EVER HAD TO PERFECT!'

Nia infilters the Royal Fire Academy For Girls and disrupts everything as he encourages the other female students to fight for their rights and proves to them the anti-Air Nomad things they were taught are lies and burned the academy down using his pink fire and his new friends help out with their own firebending.He cracks a couple eggs on the way too and 'The Beach' confirms Mai as a comphet lesbian,Tyzula as a mutually canon ship even if they don't get together and Nia is on Zuko's mind a lot and the fun summer-y setting he's in dosen't help.Nia's swimsuit is a pastel pink two piece and he has a crown of matching hisbiscus him and Aang made for eachother

Zuko and Nia finally make up in 'The Western Air Temple' as Zuko's decided to give up evil by becoming Aang's Firebending Master.Katara immediately rejects him as per canon,Aang welcomes him with open arms as always and Nia dosen't really know what to do with him.Zuko does his best to reassure him he's truly changed for the better in both words and actions and tries to recreate what they were like as kids until Nia puts his foot down and tells him 'We're not the same as we used to be........And i'm okay with that.I love the Zuko here like i did the old one' and Zuko's entire face goes beet red and Aang connects the dots and grins cheekily as he had a feeling they were a thing from the start.They act as the Team Mom and Team Dad of The Gaang or 'The Dragon Parents/Dadko and Momia' and Katara makes a snide comment on how she'd be expected to be with Zuko over Nia by the public

'The Boiling Rock' has Nia,Zuko and Sokka rescuing Yung and Hakoda and a conversation between Nia and Azula as they fight that's basically just Nia going 'You're not a perfect sexy calculated villaness,you're 14 with an abusive fascist dad and you deserve a therapist and some goddamn friends and fruit pies so you can calm down' and Azula responding 'FUCK YOU MEAN???NUH UH!!!!' and Yung and Nia have a heartwarming reunion and he eventually legally adopts Aang,Jet and Toph since they don't have living/good parents like the Water Tribe Siblings do.Nia's Ember Island Player counterpart is played by a nonblack actor who jokes about having no gender and reminders everyone he's still half Fire Nation not JUST Air Nomad because they're 'both equally important' and Nia'd never cringed harder in his life.Kataang went a bit differently since Aang asked Nia for romance advice since him and Zuko were unspokenly unofficially together so their only season 3 kiss is the finale one and the remaining run time is used on developing the other characters,including The Air Nomads in flashbacks.Nia is given a half dragon soul as a blessing by Avatar Wan to help Aang and it dosen't actually take much adjusment for him to get used to it

Mai and Ty Lee came to Nia on the Day Of Sozin's Comet to help him takedown Fire Nation Soldiers and the three girls fought viciously and had banter and peer support.They're nicknamed 'The Riot Gyals' and Ty Lee still joins the Kyoshi Warriors while Mai takes up a blacksmithing mentorship and Nia grows up to found his own children's education and protection system called 'Nia's Kidbender Program' that was built up by him with big help from Zuko but first,we get to Book 4 aka Book Air,which is something of a playable epilogue in cartoon episodes form of that makes sense and an improved version of the comics where we see The Gaang's lives and their world post-Ozai.This includes Kataang's dating dynamic,finding Ursa again,how they further helped the world with even more activism and direct action,Toph realizing she's a transmasc girl instead of just a tomboy,Nia being the Aang to Azula's Zuko by befriending her and thus her gaining character development that leads to a redemption arc and finally dating Ty Lee and last but not least,Zunia getting together

Like Kataang,it happens in the last episode of the season and the ultimate series finale but in the opening so it's almost entierly about Aang and how far he's come and Zuko and Nia being boygirlfriend and girlboyfriend it's titled 'Air,Fire,Dragon,Love' with the last word being about Zunia,The Flight Siblings and The Peace Brothers since their love for eachother is equally strong and important cosmically.The previous episode was a cliffhanger of Zuko asking Aang for help since he knows Nia as well as he does and them doing a grand romantic display with pink,dragon and summer themes that looked ridicioulous and Nia is pleasently stunned speechless and they think he hated it until he bursts outlaughing and drags Zuko off to start their date as he yells over his shoulder to Aang that he loves him and is proud of him and then calls Zuko 'such an old lord' for the cheesy display and he sputters back that he was trying to treat him like the future Fire Lady.It's Nia's turn to blush,entire face glowing like a pink version of The Avatar State and it's Zuko's rare turn to be the cocky one but as always it dosen't last for him

Their date consists of doing both romantic Fire Nation traditions and romantic Air Nomad traditions,including Zuko gifting Nia Air Nomad earrings he made with Aang's guidance.There's zero restrainment in their pda except not kissing until they get back to the Fire Palace and lean in for their first kiss at the same time which turns into several more chaste kisses and we get a final narration that's done by the entire Gaang in bits,flashing forward to their older years and we see Aang and Katara's wedding amongst many other things and this includes Zuko and Nia having a daughter named Zara

And 'The Airbender Legacies' refers to Aang and Nia for obvious reasons but also Aang choosing to keep their culture alive by not killing Ozai and Zara herself as the first Air Nomad born in a long ass time who'd live without persecution

@nogender-onlystars @moonage-gaydream @refrigeratedboombursts @cam24fan @biandbored @sarasanddollar @insomniac-jay @floof-ghostie @9ragonmew @mayameanderings @fandomunsexyman

[eliza1911o1]

Rant about Heroes of Olympus because as a sequel series to Percy Jackson it pains me pt. 1

So I just reread the PJO (one of my all time favorite series) and HoO series and I’m just struck by how unfulfilled I feel after finally finishing BoO for the first time…

I didn’t read it when I was younger because it came out just as I got really busy in school and was growing out of my “reading phase” and before I knew I had ADHD/attention struggles

I know I’m older and they’re aimed at young audiences and a bit outdated in general now but the original Percy Jackson and the Olympians series is still amazing. No contest. It may have plot holes, it may be lacking in some areas like representation, but everything has flaws and all of those are just so easy to get over with such heartwarming characters and carefully crafted quests. Not to mention the high stakes and actually pretty realistic struggles??? I’m probably biased, but I just really love them and am not above fighting others if they put it down

But even after realizing both series are kids books, the plot valleys (not just pothole level inconsistencies), OOC moments, anticlimactic ending, general lack of dynamic characters and lasting themes, and lacking world building all prove HoO to be underwhelming compared to PJO. Like it’s not bad, but it’s not close to perfect either. It’s even hard to argue how most of the events and characters in HoO add and further the stories of PJO, let alone why to consider all of it as sacred canon. Especially by the end of BoO, the lackluster vibe overall was really disheartening

They aren’t bad books. I just don’t think they lived up to the heart of PJO. I didn’t feel like I was reading more about characters I love or learning about great new characters and settings or invested in why this battle against Gaia will be the greatest of all time. Instead, I my brain was caught trying to convince myself why all of that was true and I was blatantly put off by some of the story directions, which made me feel incredibly sad

Again, it’s a fun read. Not considering any sort of literary analysis or strong personal opinion and taking into account the intended audience, it meets expectations. I just feel like the original series did so much more than be average and I’m just grasping at straws here because HoO had potential to do the same

Anyway, here are some of my strongest complaints with brief explanation and in no particular order:

- where were the old characters??? Grover?? WHERE WAS GROVER??????

- Percy was very underplayed in BoO for no reason; even if you consider his time in Tartarus, he was very weak compared to SoN and it wasn’t really explained, which felt lazy. They should’ve let him rest if he wasn’t up to fighting

- mental health issues were brought up but skirted by (Nico’s coming out was awful, Percy’s suicidal thoughts weren’t really addressed seriously (that’s a whole nother post), Hazel’s literally having died once)

- Too. Much. Romance. Why did everyone need to be a couple?????

- same structure as PJO, but without any reinvention (TLT and TLH had almost the same beginning)

- povs past SoN had weird distribution; I don’t think it made sense HoH had all seven povs but the final book, BoO, didn’t

- what made Jason, Piper, and Leo more special than any of the other seven? The explanation that they began everything felt lazy and discredited Frank and Hazel….

- Reyna and Nico and even Coach Hedge held a lot of importance in the plot and it felt weird since they weren’t even part of the seven. Distribution of responsibility and the idea of seven great heroes saving stuff (even if it was ironic) was downplayed

- the seven never really felt like a team or had a moment where it seemed like all of them were vital to make things work. The splitting up into smaller groups all the time definitely worsened this

- why was New Rome a whole mini country when CHB is a literal camp… the world building was quite slapdash and felt unreastic

- no developed Roman side characters really; wish Dakota, Lou Ellen, and others had more importance and interest

- Percy came back to NYC (to CHB) and no one said anything? No Sally-Percy reunion? No Grover-Percy reunion? No campers cheering for Percy to be back?

- last minute Solangelo; they should’ve had some sort of interest to sudden love/slow burn/opposites attract relationship with proper time to develop

- issue of Greeks vs. Roman felt sort of weak and their sudden cohesion at the end felt too forced (how is one statue gonna fix eeeeeeverything)

- final battle was awful. No words. Giants easily killed, Greeks and Romans united in a minute, Gaia contained in a little storm immediately after waking and killed like no biggie

- minimal lasting damage or deaths (Leo’s death…. Don’t even get me started)

- BoO and later books ruined Leo’s character and made him seem selfish, unaware, and rude

- Annabeth and Percy being captured immediately by the giant princess in BoO; you think they escaped Tartarus for the ending to be THAT

- Frank’s whole situation; firewood and the whole idea of life being fragile felt pretty useless by the end when nothing could touch him

- weak usage of prophecy — I feel like the oracle being dead at the end was a sign for everyone to live without forced guidance, which was a big deal in PJO, but the point wasn’t really made and it felt like he just didn’t want to come up with more. Also, it felt like lines were added randomly to the prophecy of seven but we never hear everything together??? The prophecy felt cheap and forced with how everything played out

- no issues with Percy and Annabeth going to New Rome for college, but they’d be that quick to abandon their home in NYC? I get the trauma associated with it, but there was nothing that made it seem right for them to think the trauma was enough to leave everything… lowkey wanted Annabeth to go to Columbia or Barnard or NYU and be fixing up CHB to house adults or have a veteran demigod network

- cutting off character development and interactions. A lot of the characters were used to further others (Jason furthering Nico’s in BoO) or never even talked to each other (Percy and Piper). There wasn’t much growth in the last couple books even though it was very clear in the beginning ones (Frank is an obvious example) and more importantly, there was a supreme lack of resolution in their stories. Especially Percy and Annabeth, who went to hell and back, we never feel like they suffered for a reason or needed to be the ones to suffer or the suffering changed them for better or worse or any other real indication I should accept the ending

- no backlash on the gods. At all. Percy, like many others throughout PJO and HoO, is struggling to respect the gods, let alone continue being used by them. And in HoO, the gods are USELESS. They do literally n.o.t.h.i.n.g. They have one fight scene and when we have Jason’s equivalent to the asking for childcare scene of TLO, Zeus responds and his backbone breaks. The only consequence was Apollo being demoted but that honestly felt like a marketing scheme knowing ToA

- lots more but I’ll stop myself here

(Btw I did not read it because of the show lol though I am glad I did so I’m ready for it)

[hi-i-love-u-bitch]

So I bindged watched the entry of Metal Family (a Russian YouTube series) and its absolutely adorable. My favorite characters are Glam and Dee because obviously I'm always gunna go for either the goofy dad type with a tragic backstory and the sarcastic little smartass.

Anyway, I've been hearing around that Dee might have a girlfriend and as much as I like the idea of him having a cool laidback goth gf, I just can't picture it. He probably doesn't like to admit it but I think Dee and his dad have similar taste in women; ie badasses who are slightly batshit crazy.

Meet Sasha, they were put together as tutors for each other, she was failing math while he was failing art.

At first glance Sasha seems like a sweet, giggly, airhead with an affinity for tacky jewelry and thrift store clothes. Which is of course what Dee assumed when he offered his usual method of helping her cheat her way through her classes.

She smiled at him and called him: a pig-headed narcissistic asshole who couldn't smell the rancid shit coming out of his own mouth.

Yeah, turns out she isn't stupid just has really bad ADHD and needed someone to help her study math because her brain finds it too boring and therefore unimportant to focus on.

Their relationship is sort of similar to Glam and Ches when they first met; Sasha being a witty yet odd character while Dee struggles to makes sense of what the hell she's saying sometimes.

Because of her ADHD Sasha tends to switch out hobbies like socks; she especially likes activities that keep her hands occupied, such as knitting or origami. Dee has no idea how she can multy task so many things at once.

She is very forward and can be quite blunt when speaking her mind, though she tries her best to remain polite.

She is a big fan of grunge music and punk rock. Nirvana and Foo Fighters being her favorite.

She is the third oldest of six, so middle child syndrome all the way!

She's a bit of an anarchist and can often be found during the weekend tagging government property or big name brand store. Somehow she never seems to get caught.

Her parents are ex-punks so they aren't really surprised or disappointed with their daughter's antics so long as she doesn't get arrested. (More on her family later)

She knitted Dee a beanie during one of their study sessions, it was black with little cat ears. Now he wears it any time its even remotely breezy outside.

Heavy was the first to meet Sasha since they go to the same school. He couldn't understand how such a sweet girl could be friends with his asshole of a brother. She simply giggled and ruffled his hair, stating how Heavy remind her of her own younger siblings.

After that meeting people suddenly stopped bullying him. It was weird but Heavy wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth so he didn't question it. He did, however, wonder why Sasha had a baseball bat in her locker when she didn't even play the sport.

When Dee first invited Sasha over to hang out he made sure that his family would be out all day, because he knew that they would all make it their personal mission to embarrass him in front of her.

That plan backfired very quickly as they returned much earlier than expected and the two teens had been in the living room watching movies and cuddling.

Victoria adored her immediately, insisting she say over for dinner all the while making cheeky remarks at Dee to "make sure to keep her happy so she won't realize that she can do better."

Glam had meant to interrogate her, as he is secretly an over protective father at heart, but he was just so damn charmed by her he didn't have the nerve to do it. Instead he ended up showing her the boys' baby pictures (much to Dee and Heavy's protest).

Her and Ches vibed so well together, it was kind of weird and fascinating to observe. They later find out that Sasha is probably the only person out their that can beat both Glam and Ches in poker.

By the end of it Dee is red in the face with embarrassment and when he escorts her to the bus stop he apologizes if it was all a bit overwhelming. Sasha simply giggled, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek assuring him that she really likes his family and can't wait to come over again.

Of course Sasha was the first to confess because Dee still had no idea about his feelings. Thought it was less a confession and more of a statement as if it was something she assumed he already knew.

He didn't, obviously.

Sasha knew that Dee liked her back but she needed for HIM to come to that conclusion himself if they had any hope of starting a relationship. So she remained patient and waited for him to catch up.

Though this did NOT stop her from teasing and flirting with him just a little 😋

She really couldn't help it, Dee was way too cute when he got all flustered and shy (much like his mother in that regards).

So they aren't OFICIALLY dating but they are together, kind of like a trial run (according to Dee at least).

ABOUT HER FAMILY:

Her parents are high school sweethearts that used to ride around town with Victoria and her old crew.

Sasha's mom is a headstrong yet laid back woman that runs the local laundry mat, popular with bikers as it specializes in cleaning leather. Her father is this big, burly, stoic man that works in construction and doesn't tend to say much. They love each other and their children very much.

Sasha has an older sister and brother as well as three younger siblings, twin boys and a little sister. Her older sister is living in England while also going to college to study political science. Her older brother is on his last year of high school and works as a mechanic at a local bike shop. Her twin brothers are in middle school, just a year below Heavy, while her little sister is just starting the first grade.

When Sasha invites Dee over to her house to study he is greeted at the door by her father who looms over him, glaring daggers. Dee may have seen his life flash before his eyes for a just moment.

Thankfully, her mother was much nicer, inviting him in as she called Sasha downstairs. Her younger siblings were very rowdy, asking him questions about who he is and why he was here. Her older brother however, joined along side his father to glare holes into his head.

He was all too thankful when Sasha finally came downstairs to get him, announcing that they would be in her room studying until dinner. Her older brother shouted after them to "keep the door open" and Sasha gave a cheery reply of two middle fingers in his direction.

Dinner was awkward, at least for Dee, but it wasn't terrible. By the end of it, when they were hanging around the bus stop, Sasha (who insisted on seeing him off as he usual does) proudly said: "I think they like you."

"Oh really?" Dee said with a nervous chuckle, he wasn't quite sure but he trusted her judgment. 🖤🖤🖤

[z-1-wolfe]

Parhelion Headcanons (sir this is all for you) @greenbeany

Putting 'em under the cut because they got very long O.O

I- the gnome is Neon I take no criticism. They are often good-natured souls with a more mischievous side, and if that doesn’t describe Neon I’m not sure what does. Playful, funny, good intentions, that my good Bean is our lovable cat personified. Okay Parhelion dnd au with gnome Neon please /j.

I AM SMACKING THE GUN OUT OF YOUR HANDS [runs into a glass wall] dammit,, guess I gotta talk now

I- oh no,, time to fail the exam I guess (turns all your head canons upside down)

Okay they do sleep yes they do. Actually that’s a lie only Ciel sleeps, the other two are insomniacs. Ciel has all of her day to day life planned out to the minute, so she heads to bed at a certain time and wakes up at a certain time, the other two are more of a “we’ll sleep when we’re tired” kinda duo. Unfortunately due to Ilia’s night terrors and Neon’s ADHD they almost never rest. No they do not sleep in a SANE bed, ha why would they have a bed? They sleep in a hammock all tangled up with each other. It’s hard to tell what order they sleep in when they kinda curl into each other. They do not use a duvet, why have a duvet when Neon is a space heater? There are no pillows on the hammock X). OKAY THEIR ROOM, THIS I GOT, it’s a funky mess that is somehow organized thanks to Ciel. Ilia doesn’t own a lot in general but it was her life’s dream to paint her bedroom rainbow so guess what they have now. The other two are too soft and they supported her efforts and they love her despite her poor design sense XD.

I- why closet ASDFG I mean— No they do not share a closet they all have completely different fashion sense and if that was all in one place people would be genuinely terrified. But since they’re broke they had to make do with one walk in closet that they partitioned off into sections. YES THEY DO HAVE MATCHING OUTFITS THEY ARE SO CUTE LIKE THAT. They tend to be like those cute couple outfits with a few variations to match their own personal style. But their favorite matching outfit are these duck hoodies they own courtesy of once again Ilia living out her childhood dreams. No they don’t own many outfits because like I mentioned earlier they are broke x). Hmm thinking about each other’s styles… Ilia think both of her girlfriends have great taste, she loves the well, neon of Neon, and the prim and properness of Ciel. Neon just doesn’t care XD. And Ciel is just, she’s just standing there wishing she could help their fashion sense, but she holds back because “It does suit them in an odd way.” Ciel gets the most compliments on her style hands down, she looks organized and you can bet she saves money to buy outfits that actually accentuate her cuteness. They don’t wear makeup no time for that (in which you learn Z has little to no knowledge in how to apply makeup and doesn’t know how to answer that question)

OH OKAY I LOVE VIDDY GAMES. Ciel likes real-time strategy games because she’s insane and that’s literally all she knows in life thanks to being raised in an upper class family in Atlas. Neon likes open world games, something something she likes the chance for adventure and determining one’s fate for themself. Ilia has never once played a video game until after she defected from the White Fang but I can see her playing something light like Stardew Valley, low stakes kinda games. Hmm, they might play Animal Crossing together? Since it has aspects they all enjoy. They each have an individual switch (Ilia has a coral switch lite) and one shared PC. Okay game with most hours, maybe Minecraft? They still haven’t beat the enderdragon because Neon keeps getting distracted XD. Neon is the bomb at party games though, you can bet she has a perfect score on all the songs in Just Dance. Ciel is a sharpshooter, god knows who taught her how to shoot like that. The biggest splatoon fan is unfortunately not Neon it is Ilia, she loves all the colors in the game ^^. But she and Neon have wracked up quite a few hours in co-op.

Uhhh books!! Ilia likes fanfics :) it’s unfortunately one of the only ways for her to see positive representation of herself. Neon for some reason reads Epics?? Like her favorite is the Epic of Gilgamesh what is up with that?? Ciel reads webtoons :), she reads enough serious stuff for school work and such, she likes to just kick back and relax after all that. Yes they have schedules reading time courtesy of Ciel :). Uhh, they relax by baking together. None of them had many chances to indulge in sweets while growing up so they make full use of their time now. ?? SPOON?? Cuddle hours happen on a whim, the one thing that Ciel can never schedule because she never knows when it’ll occur. They relax the most in the kitchen x) because that’s where they bake, it’s not unusual to find Neon asleep on the counter while she waits for their sweets to rise. They read in the light, Neon is afraid that by reading in the dark that they’ll all ruin their eyesight. Ciel likes the sunrise because she’s up the earliest and is the only one to see it, the other two prefer sunset because that’s usually when their day is about to begin XD.

Favorite spot for dates! The park ^^, they like to go on picnic dates with all their baked goods. There is no plan, usually one of them will randomly pull the other two out of the house because they haven’t touched grass in a while XD. There are no ideas, they share one braincell and they spend too much time doting on each other to use it. Uhm favorite movie genre,,, they like comedy movies :). Their favorite place to eat is this tiny store on the corner of their street that makes mean gyros, they heccin’ love them. Coping with horror, Ilia is desensitized to horror because of the things she’s seen in life, Neon treats it like a game because she knows it’s not real, Ciel, is okay with it, but she gets shook more easily than the other two and they often have to reassure her. No they do not like theme parks, there are too many people around for Ilia and Ciel and Neon respects their boundaries so they tend to go to more quiet places. Uhm heights, Ciel is used to heights because she’s friends with Penny and woah can that girl toss her in the air like she’s a couple of grapes. Ilia doesn’t mind heights but she would prefer to have her feet on the ground. Neon loves the ground so damn much if it leaves her she will cry because man she can’t roller-skate in the air can she, what will she do if the ground is suddenly gone? They like evening dates because it’s normally the only time all three of them are awake enough for it XD. They end a night by sleeping I am not quite sure if there are other ways to end it lmao. They absolutely despise Neon’s roller skating dates but they love how excited she gets about them so they end up becoming as good as professional roller skaters because the smile on Neon’s face when they join her is dazzling.

I am slowly going insane. Yes each girl has a hobby I sure hope they do. Ilia knits, Ciel paints, and Neon writes. I would like to imagine that Ciel would try to schedule time for their hobbies she ends up giving up because all their sleep schedules are wack. Designated chef is Neon (probably made food for FNKI back in atlas), designated driver is Ilia (I mean I like to imagine she stole cars and stuff in the White Fang XD), designated decorator for stuff is normally Ciel though Neon does try to hijack a few of her plans occasionally, designated shopper is Ciel because the other two have no concept of Saving money, and they all work together to clean :). They don’t work together, they believe in keeping their work life and home life separate to prevent their feelings from getting in the way. They do not have pets, none of them have the energy or responsibility to do that, but Ilia did once bring a moose home one day for some reason.

I am nomming on your arm sir. Ilia and Neon get along with Penny surprisingly well, though I do think Ilia would get along with Weiss better? Ruby and Weiss look at Ciel and see a beacon arc Weiss and more or less adopt her despite Ciel being older than the two of them. They might like.. play board games together? Like some of those more team based board games I can’t think of anything off the top of my head, may the best polycule win. I cannot see them in a cuddle puddle to be honest ajcnjsanjs I am so sorry— hmm Ruby and Neon do not know the meaning of formal, as far as they are concerned these are their girlfriend’s friends and that means that by extension these are their friends. Weiss would like nothing to do with Neon after Neon insults Yang during the Vytal festival but she begrudgingly goes on outings with her and hey, now they’re make up buddies for some reason. The parhelion gals take the fs gals to the gyro place they like :). Parhelion gang Is a lot more vocal on their dates because their love language happens to be words of affirmation while the fs gang’s happen to be physical touch. Both polycules are very very affectionate though I will die on this hill.

DARN IT TUMBLR ONLY LETS ME HAVE 10 IMAGES PER POST THIS IS FINE IT WAS JUST ONE MORE PROMPT DARN IT

(Parhelion angst! How do Neon and Ciel react to the news about the dust mine? How do they find out about Ilia getting expelled? Do they find out about the white fang? Is there any faunus stigma afterwards? How does Ciel react to people bullying her Faunus GFS? Does Neon talk to Ciel much after? Do they ever reunite? Does Neon attempt to help Ciel while she grieves Penny? Where the fuck is Ciel now? Is Neon still alive? Does Ilia ever think about them? Does Blake know about them from Ilia?)

BUDDY I CAME TO THE LAST ASK AND NOW ONLY DID I REALIZE YOU MEANT PARHELION BACK WHEN THEY WHERE IN BEACON THIS WHOLE TIME I’M CRYING. (This ask is answered under the assumption that they are already dating back in Atlas Academy) Ciel is fiercely protective of her girlfriends, though people only know that Neon is a Faunus because Ilia masks her traits during her time at the academy. Neon and Ciel are horrified about the news about the dust mines. They know that Ilia is a Faunus and that her parents were working there so they rush to see her as soon as possible. But they’re too late,,, Ilia’s already been expelled for attacking her fellow students. They don’t hear from Ilia for a few years after that and the two slowly drift apart, each blaming the other for not getting to Ilia soon enough. They don’t find out about the White Fang until they reunite with Ilia unfortunately, but they feel sad that Ilia had felt that they only way for her to get revenge for her parents was by joining a militant group (I’m working under the assumption that Sienna only took control of the White Fang shortly before Ilia joined). When Neon learns that Penny didn’t make it after the Fall of Beacon she hesitantly reaches out to Ciel for the first time in a year, and she does try to help. But for Ciel it’s blow after heccin’ blow and she pushes Neon away in a rage. Ciel leaves the Academy after that and goes rogue, working as a huntsman without a license for the poorer parts of remnant. Ilia is unaware of all this drama during the Beacon arc. The next time she hears of any news is during the Fall of Atlas, and she’s scared, scared because she’s still recovering and she just heard Ruby announce to the world that Remnant is under attack, and oh my gosh her ex girlfriends live in Atlas. Neon makes it out alive, though not entirely in one piece, she now has a prosthetic leg. Ilia is the first person to see her, it’s a tearful reunion and they haven’t fully made up yet, but hey it’s a work in progress, now they just have to find out where Ciel is, but when they do they’ll BOTH be there to greet her. Blake has no idea who the fuck Ciel and Neon are lmao, Ilia never told her anything about her past romances when she was in the White Fang.

Oh gosh I think that's it-- And that is it thank you for listening to me ramble about Parhelion you get a juice box for making it this far. Sir I am sincerely sorry for turning your ship upside down please forgive me.

[nico-no-talk]

I have decided to make more headcanons of the gang and maybe go more in depth to a particular one that we may all know of

Sunny

As I said before, this boy can fit so much autistic symptoms

His parents are quiet close with their kids but it seems like they messed some things up like parents do: Mari is somewhat a perfectionist and Sunny may have undiagnosed autism

Quickly headcanoning Sunny's name might be Hikaru or any name that means light

ANYWAY, as he grew up, the more he verbally opened up to his friends and still uneasy with his family, except for Mari.

Sunny likes to play with toys like any other kid does but he only likes toys that he can role play with such as his stuffed toys and building blocks that he can make homes for

When he was in this 11th year of being alive, his parents got rid of his building blocks as a way to help him 'grow up' since what kind of 11-year old play with building blocks still? They didn't touch his stuffed toys since they knew he would kick and scream way more than with his blocks

Sunny was devastated when he learned his parents tossed his blocks and cried for weeks that his friends, his stuffed toys, didn't have homes anymore

Mari decided to earn money with Hero's help to get him a new set so he won't be sad anymore, and knew he liked the feeling of smooth wood against his skin

After his 12th birthday party, Mari asked to not toss this set out and just keep it for any kids that Mari and Sunny may have in the future. Even Mari wasn't sure if Sunny would want kids, but it was something that managed to convince their parents

Speaking of Sunny speaking, he is somewhat semi-verbal around his friends but he does talk most of the time with them since he felt like it doesn't hurt when talking to them unlike with the rest of his family.

Speaking of family again, Mari's name might be short for Mariko since the transition to the 'ko' may have been difficult for Sunny to pronounce but her name might actually be Mari since it is a Japanese name as it does mean 'real logic' if written in a certain way

Their parents may have gotten a speech therapist for Sunny to help him pronounce words better and so the other adults will stop saying things how strange he is

Stims includes, minor biting, finger snapping, whistles, finger tapping, hand flaps, and random noises. Why random noises? Because I do too

Post-canon, Sunny's mom decided to actually get him diagnose and help him out more so he can graduate in school quickly since he did drop out of middle school

He did managed to get back in school within his age-grade and goes to separate rooms during testing for his classes

For long weekends, he tries to visit his friends as often as he can, especially Kel since he likes the way Kel's hair feels and enjoys feeling the callousness on his hands

Mari

Mari Mari Mari

She is a perfectionist, even towards herself since he parents often compared Sunny to her, saying how Mari was able to do a lot of things when she was Sunny's age

Seeing how they made her a goal for Sunny, she tried to be the perfect image of what it is to be normal

Do after school activities, have hobbies, play music, have friends, fall in love, have long hair since she's a girl and he's a boy, only like boys and show him to only like girls, so on and so on

After the building block incident, thats when she realizes that Sunny will never be a 'normal' kid and go out of her way to make his life easier. She'll continue to be his role model but for a new and better reason

She bought him some of his stuffed toys since he liked the texture, picked out clothes that he liked but had to make the tough choice of getting him 'normal' looking clothes so he won't get bullied, eat any of the food he hates, continued to play the piano since he likes the sound, is happy that she stopped softball because he hated going out to her games because of how loud it is and it felt cramped to him, and so many other things

When hanging out with the gang, Mari allowed herself to relax and not focus on Sunny

Kel

Middle child syndrome screams

Despite it being just being him and Hero for the longest time, he was still an afterthought for his parents when it comes to Hero and Sally

He didn't mind. He thought thats how parents are with multiple kids. Sunny's parents were kind of the same as his so he thought he was right but Basil's didn't make any sense

Like everyone else, he has never met Basil's parents and thought they just worked all day and play with Basil at night

But Basil said it wasn't, so it confused him more but he stopped questioning it after thinking about it for a while

As Kel gotten older, the more he realizes that he sort of has 'jumpies' like Sunny does but it was different. It helped him feel less tighten-up and felt better

He asked Hero during on of his visits, Hero explained that Kel may have ADHD or ADD.

"Oh" it clicked

Kel wanted to do something 'smart' on his own for once and decided to research on his own about himself and Sunny

He learned lots of things and became more open minded about a lot of things: gender, sexuality, neurodiversity, polyamory relationships, religion, and many other things

Hero

Biggest Asexual with Mari as well

Only became an overachiever because he loved the praise he got from everyone

Honestly, I dont got much for Hero, sorry man

Aubrey

Bisexual energy

Her father made sure she was a perfect little girl: wears dresses and skirts, like pink, wears a bow all the time, keep herself neat, come home right after school and ask first if she wants to keep playing, not playing with boys especially the rough playing boys

After loosing her shoe and meeting everyone, she decided to stay around them and be herself: rough housing, wear blue, wear spare shorts that either Mari, Sunny, or Kel may have, take off her bow as often as possible, be out of the house as possible to be with her friends, and may have a crush on an older girl you see almost everyday

When her dad left, everything came down: mom gave up, money became tight, Mari is gone, no one is around with her, and start doing things she never done before because of obligated morals

She started dating Kim, hung out with the hooligans, wore 'less' clothing, rude, crude, tomboy, carried weapons, and dyed her hair

Post-canon, she stopped some of her bad habits: wore clothes that are modest whenever she felt like it, a little more polite but still a little rude, stopped carrying weapons, and kept the pink hair in memory of Mari. Still dating Kim since she loves her more than anything in the world

Basil

Who the fuck names their kid Basil? His name was probably Jermey and just he liked the word Basil so much that he said a lot instead of his birth name. He got the name Basil since it was the first thing he planted

For years, no one in the gang knew Basil was a nickname, just accepted that his name was Basil and his parents just liked plants, not realizing his parents are not around a lot

Bet you anything, since Basil vents to Sunny a lot, he may have talked to him about sexuality and gender a lot with him, coming out to him as gay and might be non-binary in some way, still wasn't sure

Sunny was the one he told that Basil was a nickname but he wants to be his actual name

"But, your name has always been Basil, hasn't it?" Sunny asked

Basil had vowed to protect Sunny at all costs since that day and also be proud of himself no matter what and to always introduce himself as Basil, no matter how scared he was

Post-canon, after being in the hospital and some for of mental hospital for some time, after being officially released, Basil came out to everyone else

"Wait, so Basil was a name you picked this whole time?! That is so cool!" Kel cheered as he lifts Basil up in the air in joy

No one dared to ask what his deadname was and use whatever pronouns he asks them to use: He/They but still struggles to respond to they/them pronouns since he never told anyone else other than Sunny

Annnnnnnd thats all I got. Feel free to ask more from me

[95jezzica]

Human Nordics

I’m in a Nordic mood so I was thinking about what their family lives/relations might be like in a Human AU. To start this off I should say I normally headcanon their names to be Lukas Steilsson (*��- read note. - Nor), Mathias Køhler (Den), Björn Oxenstierna (Swe), Emil Steilsson (Ice), Timo Väinämöinen (Fin), Karl Oxenstierna (Ladonia) and Peter Kirkland (Sealand). 

( * - “But wait, isn’t Norway’s surname Bondevik?” - It was one of Norway’s suggested surnames by Himaruya many years ago, and for a long time it was also the most popular to use. However, since the surname has bad political connections in Norway, it was generally decided by the older fandom (myself included) to use one of the other suggested surnames instead. I chose to go with Steilsson. It’s one of the surnames Himaruya chose for Iceland, and while the name is not strictly an Icelandic name the “-sson” surnames are very common in the Scandinavian countries. Letting Norway and Iceland share the surname Steilsson also felt like a nice reference to them being brothers.) -

Honestly? While their names work well in nation-verse their surnames don’t fit as well in a Human AU - especially since I also hc Norway, Denmark, Sweden and Iceland to be siblings and would like them to have the same surname (or at least not 3-4 different ones). Thus I would likely give them all the surname Steilsson, since it’s a more neutral Scandinavian surname than ‘Køhler’ or ‘Oxenstierna’, while Fin/Timo would keep Väinämöinen and is a close childhood friend who at some point got un-officially adopted into the family. 

If we also go with the route of a future SuFin-marriage I honestly think Swe/Björn would be more likely to take Fin/Timo’s surname than the other way around (and tbh Björn Väinämöinen has a nice ring to it), but if you’re not a fan of the ship you can skip this part. 

As for jobs I think: 

- Lukas likely works the stock market and is crazy good at it. Almost filthy rich. Also helps Mathias out part-time with administrative work to make sure the paperwork is filled in correctly. I can also see Lukas being a current or former skiing master on professional level. 

- Mathias would be perfect as an electrician with his own company. Lukas helps him with some of the administrative work part time to make sure the paperwork is done correctly (which my headcanoned Mathias’ ADHD likely makes it harder to focus on), but Mathias does a great job with his company and earns a decent amount of money. 

- Björn is absolutely a kindergarten/pre-school teacher. The pay isn’t great, but he loves kids and they love him. Peter would be one of the 1-6 year old kids in his class. (Peter would live with his single guardian, either brother or dad, Eng/Arthur.) Haven’t decided if Karl should be the Nordics’ youngest sibling or Björn’s son, but either way Björn has custody of the lil’ sassy child and Karl grows up with Björn as his father-figure, no matter their biological ties.  

- Ice/Emil is the one I see as still being in school, likely being a teenager around 14-16 years old. In canon nation-verse Denmark raised him, and while I think it would be more of a full sibling effort in this human AU before they began to move out, Emil likely still live with Mathias here. Lukas may or may not (still) live with them as well, but if he’s skiing on a professional level he would have to travel around a lot for competitions and training, so it would make more sense to let Emil live with Mathias to make sure he gets to live a stable life. 

- Fin/Timo was the most difficult to decide on for me. I can see him being former military, but afterwards... I’m not so sure. Possibly driving the snowmobiles and shoveling snow during the snow seasons, or perhaps being some kind of social worker. Tbh I’m not sure, so I’ll have to think more about this one. (Suggestions are welcome below, if you have any.) . 

v [This is getting long, so I’m placing the rest below ‘Keep Reading’.] v 

. 

I imagine the Nordics’ parents died fairly young, so for the most part the siblings had to raise themselves with Lukas, Mathias and Björn being forced to take on more parental role for Emil and Karl. They probably met Timo while in foster care system and/or at an orphanage and grew up really close together and love each other very much. However, in early adult age (18-24 years old?) Björn eventually wanted to move out (to “test his wings”?) from their then shared apartment and ended up in a pretty bad fight with Mathias over it, who wanted them all to stay/live together. - “We have always stayed together - why change it now!?” - It took a long time for them to patch up their relationship after their fight, something which I imagine affected the whole family. 

Björn and Timo might have been roomates for a while during the fight, before Timo left for the military, but further into adult age all the Nordics lived separately. (With the exception of Emil and Karl then, being kids). 

[The SuFin-part of me imagine Björn and Timo took a long time to actually become a couple, but they eventually move in together again when they’re both around... say 30-35 years old? As briefly mentioned earlier I also think it’s more likely Björn took Timo’s surname if/when they get married, making them Timo and Björn Väinämöinen, with Karl then being allowed to choose if he also wants to change his surname. ] 

Purely on a platonic level I imagine Timo on Lukas to likely be the closest to each other, sharing a lot of interests and the need to dote on Emil. (Who may or may not secretly enjoy it, but is also a teenager who finds being shown affection in front of his friends 100% embarrassing). x)

Lukas’ and Mathias’ relationship took a lesser hit because of their own fight when Lukas also moved out (or started to travel more as a skier?), but at that point Emil had had enough and exploded on them both. Told them off for being stupid. That patch up went quickly/quicker, and was also what made Mathias realize that his ongoing fight with Björn was kind of stupid too, and not worth it. Though it helped that Emil also exploded on both Mathias and Björn over how stupid the two of them were being. (Emil was tired of the fights, and sometimes an explosion of anger from the affected third party is what’s needed to realize how stupid the fight actually is.) . 

In present time all of them are close siblings and friends again (and possibly also a couple in SuFin-case?) , and I imagine their relationship to be much stronger now than even before the fight. 

. 

[distantdreamboy]

Following up on my last session (x)

Calling it a 'rollercoaster' may be too extreme but my emotions have definitely taken me for a ride since I realized. I go through periods of:

doubting I have ADHD.

wondering what my life could have been like had I known this sooner.

wishing I had known sooner and saved myself a lot of embarrassment, shame, and stress.

wondering if people only like me because of the hyperactive behaviors from ADHD.

becoming hyperaware of inattentive behaviors as they're happening (like almost leaving your computer charger in the kitchen cabinet)

wondering what to do about it and feeling paralyzed by the options.

Among other things, of course. I register its full weight when I look back at how much I must now recontextualize.

Patterns in my behavior, patterns in my schooling, patterns in my relationships--and I must do so without accruing more shame, the hard part. A part of me wishes to shed my skin and start over but I know I must forgive myself before I do. I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed by the task of combing through everything before the daunting journey of working through this neurodivergence. I'll need a good therapist for sure.

My first year at college went pretty smoothly on the academic front. Made the Dean's List. Remember myself sitting at a nice spot in the library and getting good work done. As I got older? Things became a little difficult.

It became hard to manage all the obligations I had--dance, theater, art, homework, my ra job, president of a club, and I had to worry about the impending "real world" that I'd apparently never seen before.

Sometimes I would talk and people would not understand what I was talking about, when I thought I was being pretty clear. Then I'd try to explain and, you guessed it, it wouldn't work.

I'd buy new planners and not use them all the way through. I barely used a bullet journal I bought my junior year.

Assignments and obligations would slip through the cracks.

Sometimes I'd sit down to do homework and not be able to focus and as I think about it now I'm not sure if it was an ADHD thing or a natural college thing.

Not eating consistently.

Forgetfulness, always being late--you know the usual.

I'd still take a 10-15 minute bathroom break in nearly every one of my classes just because I was bored.

Granted, these things became a lot harder to do also because I was self-medicating with weed. I remember, I would smoke under the impression that the weed would "lock me in". It certainly would at times--especially when I was in the gym or writing an essay. It's just that at the time I didn't know that what I was doing was self-medicating and I couldn't quite put my finger on why. I dressed it in different clothes hoping something made sense but I really couldn't figure it out. Like, I was burnt with so much to do and no energy to do it--it was wild. I was so out of sorts and didn't know. I wonder at times if everything I'm attributing to ADHD just stemmed from my weed use but many of these behaviors were presented before I even knew what weed was. Definitely want to look into the relationship between ADHD and self-medication.

If I remember more from my college experience I'll add it as a reblog.

[winryofresembool]

Things We Lost in the Fire, ch 18

aka Caleo uni au

Fic summary: Calypso starts studying at a new university, but to her annoyance her new flatmate is a loud mouthed mechanic who also likes to sneak his dog in whenever. But as she learns to know him better, she realizes they might have more in common than what she first thought. Eventually, even the darkest secrets come out…

Chapter summary: Leo's life is hard (but maybe there's some hope left).

A/N: Yay, time for a new chapter! I decided to make Friday my new posting day so that’s when the future updates will (hopefully) happen.

It's not time to resolve the previous drama quite yet but dw, that's coming! Meanwhile, I hope you'll enjoy this Leo centered chapter. It’s also time to bring Frank in!

Don't forget to let me know what you think! :)

Characters in this ch: Leo, Frank, Georgina, Jo, Emmie

Words: 1700+

Genre: romance & hurt/comfort

Warnings: none

previous chapter / next chapter / AO3

...

“Maldita sea!” Leo yelled at himself as his wrench flew at the wall, thankfully not causing damage to it. Nothing he tried to fix or build that day seemed to go right. He hadn’t been able to figure out a pretty basic seeming issue in someone’s phone, one of his own inventions had broken and even solving a physics problem that would usually have managed to distract him only felt frustrating.

There was a lot going on in Leo’s head. Well, he’d argue that he always had a lot going on there due to his ADHD, but this time his usual methods to calm himself down didn’t seem to work. He would probably have to quit studying the only field he was truly interested in. He couldn’t do his work. His flatmate for whom he may or may not have started slowly developing some very not flatmate appropriate feelings had apparently had a thing for his friend, which not only complicated Leo’s situation with Calypso but also with Percy. And his mother’s death anniversary was coming, which was always a hard time for him. Leo imagined she’d probably be so disappointed if she saw him now. ‘My son, a failure in every aspect of life’. No, Leo’s real mother had been way too nice to actually say something like that out loud, but he just knew she’d at least think that. And Jo, Emmie and Georgina were counting on him too.

After throwing the wrench, Leo decided to take a break because his hands had started shaking too much to continue working. Taking a deep breath, he leaned against his worktable, closed his eyes and started tapping a rhythm that he had memorized years ago. His mother had taught him Morse code when he was a kid, and this particular phrase was one she had used a lot when he had needed calming down. Written down, the code looked like this:

.. .-.. --- ...- . -.-- --- ..-

I l o v e y o u

He whispered it very quietly a couple of times before looking out from the window and saying aloud:

“Mom. I’m trying to be strong. I really am. But sometimes it just gets too fucking hard. Everything seemed to be fine. Really. My other family is great. I was studying something I actually cared about. My new flatmate… uh, she’s an interesting force of nature. But if she likes someone like Percy… I’d never have a chance. And all my career plans are about to run down to the sewers because I can’t use fire, in any way. Not because of what happened to you. Because of what I... I just feel lost.”

He took a deep breath and rubbed the corner of his eye dry quickly. Saying his thoughts aloud seemed to make him feel a little bit better, and he decided that maybe getting out of the flat and getting some exercise would help with the shakiness. To his relief Calypso wasn’t home either so he didn’t have to answer any awkward questions about why he looked like such a mess. Leo found himself jogging all the way to Waystation, which was several miles from his flat. As he reached the yard, he noticed Georgina with Festus, but even with her back to him he could sense something was wrong. Of course. There was always some way the day could get even worse.

“Hi, hermanita!” he started, trying to sound cheerful even though he didn’t think he was a very good actor. Georgie could probably see right through him. His suspicions were confirmed when Festus didn’t even run to greet him as he usually did. “What’s going on?”

“I tried to call you,” she said, hiding her worry badly. “Moms went to run some errands and something… something happened to him…”

“What do you mean? What exactly happened?” Leo insisted on knowing.

Georgina seemed to grow more and more upset each moment. “I… I gave him a bully stick… but I forgot to put it in a holder even though moms always say you should do that when you give him one because he always tries to swallow them so fast… And then he started feeling sick...”

To prove her point, Festus, who was laying on the ground, made a loud gagging sound. After that he tried to whine but even that didn’t sound like it usually did.

Leo’s ADHD kicked immediately in, in the form of him wanting to act fast.

“We’ll discuss this later, I need to borrow Jo’s car now that I can take him to the vet,” he exclaimed and ran inside the house to get the keys to the car from the spot Jo usually kept them. He picked them and Festus’ leash and ran back, telling Georgina to stay home to tell Jo and Emmie what happened when they’d return.

At least one thing went right that day: the emergency vet clinic was fairly quiet when Leo arrived there. Not long after that, the vet took Festus in. He had an intern with him; a young man who Leo suspected had his roots somewhere in East Asia. He had black, short hair, a bulky body and kind of child like face even though the intern was probably older than Leo. As the vet asked Leo some questions about what exactly had happened to Festus, the student wrote down some notes and occasionally added a short comment as well. When Leo was about to explain why exactly Festus had gotten issues with the bully stick, he heard the intern mutter something to himself.

“What was that?” Leo asked a bit more aggressively than he had planned, having already been stressed even before the issue with Festus had come up. He had to admit, though, that it had distracted him from the other issues.

“Nothing,” the intern quickly said, pretending to focus on his papers again.

Leo didn’t give up that easily. “I heard you, though. You were implying that I had somehow caused this.”

“Well, you did give him the bully stick, didn’t you?” the young man asked.

“I wasn’t even there when he got one!” Leo growled, starting to feel the frustrations from earlier that day flooding out of his system. “My��� uh, little sister gave him one when our parents left to run some errands and he kept whining and wanted something to chew! It wasn’t her fault either, she’s a child and she didn’t know that could happen!”

“Mister Valdez, please calm down a bit,” the vet interrupted him, and Leo immediately shut up. “There’s no need to yell. Festus is going to be just fine; I’m going to give him some medicine and fluids to help with digesting the stick and we can watch how he’s doing overnight. And Frank, please don’t make assumptions like that about clients.”

“Yes, sir,” Frank said, to Leo’s surprise actually looking regretful. Then he turned to Leo. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“Nah, I kinda lost my cool there too…” Leo said, the frustration leaving when he saw Frank’s face.

“Kinda,” the intern said, attempting to joke about the situation.

“Yeah, sorry ‘bout that;” Leo rubbed the back of his neck.

After that the vet asked Leo a couple of more questions and did some more examinations on Festus while Frank helped him.

“Other than this stick issue, he seems like a healthy dog,” the vet complimented after the check up. “His fur and teeth look good. I think you’ve been taking good care of him.”

“Well, to be honest he lives more with my parents than me because they have a lot more space…” Leo said, “But yeah, we all try our best. Even Georgina, my sister.”

“I’m glad to hear that. It’s a good thing you got him here that fast so he’ll get the best possible treatment,” The vet said.

After that he wrote some notes on the computer and then dismissed Leo who scratched Festus from behind his ear and promised to come back soon to get him. As he was putting his jean jacket on in the lobby, the intern, Frank, approached him.

“About what happened earlier, I really am sorry. It isn’t like me to attack clients; you can even ask my boss about that. I just…”

“Chill, man,” Leo said. “I’ve heard this story before. People assume things about me because I look like a problem teenager. Truth to be told? You’re not entirely wrong. But things have changed. And trust me, Festus is my best friend and I’d do anything for him. I’m sure Georgie has learned her lesson too now.”

“Good to hear that,” Frank said and extended his arm to Leo. “Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow when you’re coming to get Festus.”

Leo nodded. “Yep, I have a feeling my whole family will want to join me. Anyway, I’m off now. Thanks for the help!”

“I’m glad we could help!” Frank told him before he started walking towards his car.

...

Jo and Emmie had already returned to Waystation when Leo got there.

“Is everything OK?” Emmie asked immediately. “We didn’t really get much out of Georgina… Just that something had happened to Festus and you took him to the vet.”

“Nah, it’s gonna be fine!” Leo reassured her. “He got some digestion issues because he gobbled a bully stick too fast but that’s being taken care of now. Georgie sure remembers to be more careful from now on, won’t ya, hermanita?” he addressed the young girl then.

“I will…” she promised, not even protesting about the nickname this time.

Once Leo had explained with more details what had happened at the vet and it became clear that Festus would be fine soon, the family moved to other matters. Unlike usually, Leo was happy with mostly listening to the others. The incident had reminded him that there were bigger matters than girl issues or his studies and he realized that those things didn’t feel quite as hard to overcome now as a few hours ago. Yes, he still needed to deal with them, and yes, his past would probably never stop entirely haunting him, but when he had people like this around him? It wouldn’t be impossible.

[jeannereames]

FUN Things about Getting Older

So sometimes being “old” is presented as a problem, especially for women, and sure, there’s nothing like sitting on the couch for an hour, answering email, then getting up only to go, “Ow, ow, ow.” Or not wearing heels because you’ve got Bunyons from Hell. Never mind the 10+ pounds for each decade.

BUT, there are some definite perks:

#1: NO MORE FUCKING PERIODS. Yeah, yeah, peri-menopause and menopause have their own issues (hot-flashes SUCK), but there are pretty effective over-the-counter drugs to minimize those. And NO MORE FUCKING PERIODS!  Can we get an “Amen”?

#1a: No more concerns about getting pregnant. Worry-free sex, y’all. At least if you’re in a relationship where that’s a concern.

#2 GRAY HAIR. Yeah, yeah, everybody whines about it and tries to dye it, and for a while, okay, sure. But silver hair is pretty awesome. It does make gold jewelry less flattering, but stop trying to keep your tresses dark after you’re 50, or even 45. It’s not a good look; it’s harsh on the face (the lighter the skin, the worse it looks). If you’re a blond or lighter brown, maybe you can go longer…but WHY? Let the silver come in. Stop playing the stupid game of clinging to youth when you can rock the silver. Do you have any idea how often I get compliments on my gray hair? A LOT. Okay, I have nice hair; it’s my vanity, but still. If I’d realized how many compliments I’d get, I’ve have let it go to natural sooner!

#3 While aging can make you less visible in some ways (nobody whistles at you on the street—not necessarily a BAD thing), it makes you more visible in others—especially if you rock that gray hair. “I want to speak to the manager right now,” carries more weight at 50 than 30. If I’m pissed off, people tend to listen more—even younger men. Older men can still be jackasses, but I find I have less patience as I age, too. It’s a different sort of visibility, but I’m okay with that.

#4 You have a better sense of perspective and proportion. Events happening in the present may correlate to memories of the past, which can make them scarier…or less scary. Either way, one becomes more adept at correctly analyzing the significance of events either personal or public. It’s called “long view.” (So, for instance, I watch the impeachment debates not just with a memory of Clinton’s, but a memory of Nixon’s. I was 10 years old; I sat there listening to his resignation speech as my father recorded it on an old-style tape-recorder, as it was so historic. We had no idea then what the future would hold for recording, but somewhere in my boxes, I still have my father’s tape-recording of that speech!)

#5 You know better what you want out of life. I’d say that’s the big thing. I was a weird kid in many ways. I had a “sense of destiny” young. Looking back at myself, I sort of laugh. But I knew I wanted to be a writer at 11. I knew I wanted to teach college at 18. And I went on to do both those things. MOST people aren’t like that, and it’s okay. Not everybody is a freaky intense ambitious nutjob of a teenager. LOL. Also, I did a lot of other jobs along the way. I’ve been an editor, I’ve done bereavement counseling, et al. So the road hasn’t necessarily been a straight one. And that’s GOOD. Life should throw everybody some curve balls, so we learn how to adapt.

#6 YOU’VE FAILED. By the time we reach 50, most of us have suffered at least one major failure: personal, career-wise, something—and often, more than one. That’s good.

Don’t laugh. It’s good. Failure is the fire that purifies. If you don’t fail—and seriously fail—you won’t ever truly succeed.

Failure makes us kinder, softer, more patient. When I was young, despite coming from a family on the Other Side of the Tracks, I had a lot of successes. I was meant to lift up my family; I had the brains. I was the first of my generation not just to go to college, but to grad school. So yeah, I’m a first-generation college student.

It made me an arrogant little shit.

I’ve been interested in Alexander the Great for a long time, since my early 20s, and one of my advisors during my counseling training told me, “You like Alexander because you think you are Alexander.” I wanted to argue with her, but looking back…yeah. She was right. He was young, brash, intelligent, gifted, and so was I. I could do no wrong. And for a while, most things went my way, because I was brash, intelligent, and gifted, but with a healthy dollop of due caution.

Yet I wasn’t always kind. I was (for the ‘90s) “woke,” but in the worst way. To be truly woke requires compassion even for one’s opponents. Instead, I judged those who I didn’t think were as “with it” as I was. I’d had painful things happen earlier. My mother had a heart attack when I was 17 and I was left to run the household, but my father protected me from the worst of it. I still went to college, then grad school. My mother died when I was 33, but again, I was insulated from much.

My late 30s/40s broke me. And that was a good thing. I dealt with a lot of personal failures and life struggles. I got divorced. My son was ADHD, and suffered depression plus other issues that we had to work through. (He’s fine now.) I had to help care for my aging father dealing with dementia until his death in 2017. These are real world issues that remind one of human frailty, and how little we really control. I came out kinder (I hope). More patient with my students. More aware of all the hooks of humanity that can drag down even those who badly want to succeed.

But that’s AGE. That’s failure. That’s suffering.

And I wish it on all of you. Not to be mean, but because it will make you better people. Some of you will have met these challenges much earlier. But by 50, most people will have faced at least one major failure. I hope you weren’t insulated from it. I hope you bore the brunt of it.

Because it will make you better. Kinder, more patient. That’s the true GRACE of age. Don’t fear it. Embrace it. This is the difference between wisdom and knowledge. I was lucky in my parents, and they, in turn, were mostly lucky in theirs My maternal grandfather had only an 8th grade education. But he was an Elder, the wisest man I’ve ever known. I hope that, someday, I’m as wise as he was.

Age is good. Look forward to it.

(share as you see fit.)

[thesilentspyawaits]

I have finished MID and I have thoughts

This review/thought thingy will NOT be spoiler-free so please be aware of that! Before I put anything under the cut though, I wanted to point out one thing. I think I’ve said this before but I’m a beta tester for the ND games and we had the option in SEPTEMBER (an actual month before the game was to be out for pre-order) to come in and test the puzzles (I’m currently studying abroad so I couldn’t go) but we were told we were not going to have the option to get the actual beta version of the game so... I don’t think it was actually ever beta tested??? Maybe I’ll make a post about it idk we’ll see anyway here are my thoughts/comments: 

I’m just going to say the things that I love right off the bat and not go into too much detail about those: 

Voice Acting 

Lots of Characters/NPCs

Most of the plot

The ghosts especially when they were running around in the tunnels, that was super cool and a few scared me 

That nostalgic feeling

Here are the things I didn’t like about the game and I’ll go into some details: 

ASH: This was a knock-off version of Alibi in Ashes with some Ghost of Thornton hall mixed in you can’t change my mind 

Graphics: I don’t want to go too much into it. They sucked. I have a Macbook and tried to turn the graphics up (this helped a lot) but my game go so slow and my computer crashed a lot so I turned them down 

Lots of Characters: I know I said I loved how many characters there were, but I felt like we never got the time to know them. The game was about the same amount of time as the older ones so I think that’s the reason why we never got to really know any of them. I have no idea what the motives were for anything, I learned no background about the characters, Jason and Mei seemed forced, I wanted more info about the young Coven group, I basically just wanted more from each character especially Alicia and the Judge. They could have easily been taken out of the game in my personal opinion. I think if the game was longer it would have been a LOT better. 

Dialogue/not a lot of puzzles: My favourite part of the game was when Mei and Nancy had to figure out how to get out of that small room because it was just a big puzzle and I really liked the puzzle with Frank/Joe/Deirdre in the basement of the Hathorne House! But the dialogue just seemed so... yikes. It was also annoying that we couldn’t work on multiple puzzles at the same time. It felt very linear that way. I also think a lot of people back in 2015 when they did that survey said they wanted more puzzles in the games. I think having six characters instead of four and having more puzzles would have been a lot better. Something similar to Last Train to Blue Moon Canyon! That’s SUCH a good game because of the characters and the puzzles! 

Characters in general: Why the FUCK did they have like no facial movements??? Besides their mouths which were not in sync with the words a lot of the time?? Why the fuck was the judge so sad 25/8? Why was Teegan stuck in t-pose the entire game??? Why did they move so much? They were so unnatural and awkward???? I honestly just like... why???? Also NONE OF THEM BLINKED 99% OF THE TIME! Deirdre was the wORST! I stared at her for like two minutes and she never blinked. She was by far the worst looking one which sucked since she was behind us a lot during the game which I thought was very annoying. 

Glitches: Oh my goshhhh I had so many little bugs and glitches. Frank’s feet were in the ground so many times, Nancy wasn’t sitting in her chair part of the time, the characters’ arms would clip through them I think at one point Joe’s arm just went straight through his face. I also had to shut my game down more than once in order to progress in a puzzle it was just not good 

Ned: PUT NED IN THE FUCKING GAME YOU COWARDS! And why were him and Nancy fighting so much???? It doesn’t make sense! It added nothing to the game!! 

Frank: He was so awkward??? Did not seem like Frank Hardy at all I was very concerned 

Other stuff: I hated the text. I have ADHD and space out sometimes and I loved how in the old games I could scroll up so I could remember shit. It also isn’t good for hard of hearing or deaf fans or other people who may need the text to read since it would get cut off. I was not very impressed with the world. I thought the upstairs part of the library was really weird, it seemed way too big for no reason. Lauren should have been living in the Hathrone house instead of next to it. Also the Hathrone house and the Perry house have the same layout. Two rooms on the ground floor, only one place you could access upstairs. It was a bigger world, but I would have enjoyed a smaller world with more areas to explore in the world. The ending was just chaos too. So much talking. I missed the letter at the end too! I hated that we had to go say goodbye to everyone?

Finally, I was confused a lot. Some of the dialogue didn’t make sense, there weren’t a lot of hints, the puzzles needed a lot more explaining than they were providing us, and I didn’t notice things until Nancy told us (the picture we got of Lauren, Olivia, and Teegan, didn’t realize I had to look at it). There was just a lot of things that left me saying “what” and it was really frustrating. I was pretty much done with the game by the end. 

In conclusion: I would have preferred waiting another year for a REALLY good Nancy Drew game (why did this one feel so... rushed?) Or just stuck with the old point-n-click version! There wasn’t anything wrong with the point-n-click version! I think it would have been easier for them to just add in six characters instead of the traditional 4, put in some more difficult puzzles and like three more than usual, and make the game a little bit longer! 

I am really worried HeR won’t be able to recover from this which sucks but I hope they learn and are able to grow and we get some better games in the future! I gave the game a fair shot and... I wasn’t impressed. Especially after they hyped it up like crazy and we had to wait so long. 5/10 sorry and if you’re thinking about buying the game, I say do it. I actually really liked feeling nostalgic and my little brother and I were talking about it and it was like the good old days! It brought me back and made me happy for some weird reason?

[gaymingbinosaur]

For Nichole: 2, 4, 5, 16, 26, 36, and 37.

What’s their sexuality

She is bisexual and demi aro. Also not a sexuality but still queer she’s a demi girl. Because I realized giving her my adhd kind of made her a self insert so she can have my sexuality and gender too.

Does she have any siblings? How many? Are they older or younger? Which sibling are they closest with?

II thought about making her brother but couldn’t come up with a way for him to be there without messing up Nichole’s character a bit.  So she has only 1 sibling.  Evie is five minutes older then her and won’t stop bringing it up.  Her and Evie weren’t close for awhile since Evie was in the circle but become each others ride and dies pretty quickly during Inquisition. Doesn’t matter which one is Inquisitor. Also Blackwall became low key terrified of Nichole after his lies came out because he hurt Evie and he got to see pissed off Nichole.

What is her relationship with her parents like?  What about other relatives?

Bad with her parents. Their emotionally and physically abusive-cant tag because computer has x kit I will tw warning tag as soon as I post this. And the other people in her family kind of view her as incompetent because her anxiety and adhd makes it hard for her to do noble stuff.

Are they religious?

Yeah, they believe in the Maker. Kind of had to with her religious family. Her faith made of change a bit after Inquisition not in a her faith is shaken kind of way but more of a she can safely form her own thoughts.  Though she always supported mages because of her loosing her twin to templars she came to realize her parents used their religion to shame her a lot. She still believes but realizes she was taught a lot of bullshit.

Are they aware of her flaws?

Actually a bit complicated this one.  No? Like she hates herself but her biggest flaw is being over critical about herself and she does not realize that for awhile. Like she’s clumsy, an idiot, an absolute jack ass and a waste of space. Even when there’s a lot of evidence that she is smart and kind, she would still struggle to consider that she may be a bit wrong about herself and that she’s actually an okay human being. It’s just fact to her that she’s a bad person. Like all of this is before inquisition and Evie did her best to fix that.

What is their sense of humor like? Give an example of a joke they find humorous?

Probably things like word plays and puns, and tbh just act like a goofball and she will find it funny.  I’ll do a bi pun and one of my personal favorite pun. A single bi is on stand bi. Why does the thief wear leather? It’s made of hide.

How easy is it for them to say I love you? Do they say it without meaning it?

Saying it first. Nearly impossible, she would get way to nervous and fear rejection. Afterwards she would say it at every opportunity.  She will say I love you every second of every day. And if she would say it without meaning it you would be able to tell she’s lying she would not be a ball of sunshine saying it unlike the truth.

@sexyshoelessgodofwar tagged the wrong post

[howdoyousayghibli]

Whisper of the Heart of the Valley of the Wind on a Cliff by the Sea in the Sky with Diamonds

I have to come clean with you, dear readers. I’m pretty unfairly biased towards this film, because this is how I experienced the opening scene:

It’s honestly hard for me to believe that this movie, made in 1995 and released in North America in 2006, just happens to feature “Take Me Home, Country Roads,” by John Denver, and that I just happened to watch it in 2018, when Country Road fever is at an all-time high after high-profile uses of the song in media such as Kingsman 2, Logan Lucky, and the Fallout 76 trailer.

Anyway, fantastic songs aside, this really is a great movie, and one that surprised me. It’s the first Studio Ghibli movie not to be directed by Hayao Miyazaki or Isao Takahata, with Yoshifumi Kondō at the helm instead and Miyazaki retaining screenwriter credit. Kondō, who was a first-time director but who had played a significant role in Kiki’s Delivery Service and Only Yesterday, really knocked it out of the park here.

In addition to having a new director, it also departs from the Ghibli norm by eschewing fantasy elements, which I did not know going in. This didn’t go over so well with me in Only Yesterday, but Whisper of the Heart tells a much more cohesive story than that movie — or than most Ghibli movies, for that matter.

Whisper of the Heart tells the story of a young girl, Shizuku, as she learns to embrace her natural talent for writing. It feels less like a short story compilation than some of the other movies I’ve reviewed, but it’s not necessarily because it doesn’t take any diversions. There’s an excellent subplot involving middle-school romances, and a lengthy (and deeply relatable) scene of Shizuku chasing a cat across town. Instead, what helps the film feel more cohesive is that each narrative thread is given a satisfying resolution.

I’m not sure yet if it’s a bug or a feature of Studio Ghibli, but many of their films don’t bother with what your average Hollywood movie would consider a denouement. It was jarring, to me, at first, to go without. The more I watch, the more I appreciate the way they stand apart from so many other movies I see, but I also can’t help it if the sense of resolution in Whisper of the Heart makes it one of my favorite movies from the studio so far.

Of course, it doesn’t hurt that this movie does continues the trend of Ghibli movies being willing to tackle concepts that are more complex than those found in your standard kid’s fare. Like Kiki, Shizuku isn’t trying to save the world: she’s just trying to figure out her place in it.

What I said about being unfairly biased towards this film goes beyond Country Roads — it would’ve been pretty hard for me to dislike a film about a kid who:

loves to read

procrastinates studying

has parents who aren’t on them as much as they should be

is insecure about their talents

doesn’t know what to do with their life

tries to make friends with stray cats

definitely has undiagnosed adhd

what is sleep??

At the start of Whisper of the Heart, Shizuku is content to enjoy her summer chasing her book-reading goal, but things change when she befriends Seiji. Seiji wants to be a violin maker and has already put in a lot of work towards achieving this goal; next to him, Shizuku feels unambitious and talentless. Still in middle school, he knows exactly what he wants to do with his life, and Shizuku has no idea.

Besides being relatable to a 26-year-old who still isn’t sure what to do with his life, it’s captivating to watch the carefree, insouciant Shizuku get fired up with the desire to prove herself. She decides to take inspiration from Seiji’s drive and write a story before he returns from his apprenticeship. Though she sacrifices time, sleep, and her grades, the movie doesn’t grant her a perfect victory. Again, like in Kiki’s Delivery Service, Whisper of the Heart doesn’t try to sell kids on a world where hard work pays off instantly, or where following your dreams is as simple as one moment of epiphany.

Besides an engaging story and great soundtrack, Whisper of the Heart also features some of the most true-to-life family dynamics I’ve ever seen on screen. At first, Shizuku’s family almost comes off as rude, but then you realize that it’s because they aren’t acting like they know they’re on camera. There’s a tendency in movies and television for family members to fit into one of two categories: caring and thoughtful, or angry and troubled. Shizuku’s family just feels … real.

In our day-to-day lives, we don’t carefully consider each word that comes out of our mouths. Yoshifumi Kondō understood that a complaint here or a nag there doesn’t always signal some unresolved family drama; it’s just how people talk when they aren’t paying attention. Shizuku’s parents are supportive without coming off as overly sweet, and anyone with siblings will see some part of themselves in her relationship with her older sister. Each family member feels fully realized, and they make a fantastic backdrop for Shizuku’s journey.

I may not have known what I’d think of Whisper of the Heart going in, but I do now: it’s one of my favorite Ghibli movies so far. I think it’s tied with Porco Rosso for Best Dialogue, it’s the clear winner for Best Family, and it’s message is right up there with Kiki’s Delivery Service. It ends on a slightly odd note, but otherwise there’s not a thing I would change. 

I guess you could say it’s … almost heaven.

Next up is Princess Mononoke, which I am definitely not smart enough to review. Good luck, me!

Check below the Alternate Review Titles and Stray Notes for the brand new, fresh-out-the-oven Spoiler Zone!

Alternate Review Title(s):

West Virginia of the Heart

Stray Notes: 

see, I can love a Ghibli movie with no fantasy elements

the theatrical poster for this movie is very misleading

“why not try dating him? If you don’t like him, you can stop!” solid advice

adhd vibes from mom and shizuku

THE FLUTE MAN

the whole jam session scene is. GOOD.

when Shizuku can’t turn off her lamp without actually sitting up in bed is the most relatable thing in any movie ever

sugimura and yoko making up and being chill is also great

all the kids’ voice acting is good, so is all the background chatter

“you got a visitor. It’s a guuUuuy!” and the class just ERUPTS, A+++

this movie is so middle school, in such a good, beautiful way

of COURSE she didn’t notice you, you idiot, she was READING

“I’ll wait until you’re done” WHAT A GUY

it’s a little corny, but you’re a violin maker, not a writer” HAH sick burn kiddo

Spoiler Zone

I especially loved how Shizuku’s dad handles her declaration of a secret project. He acknowledges that perfect grades aren’t the only path to success, but essentially tells Shizuku that if you follow your own path, it’s all on you if you screw up. It would’ve been just too sweet and out-of-character if he had simply smiled and told Shizuku to follow her heart; his paired support and warning feel more true to life.

To me, the ending was a bit weird and came totally out of left field. A lot of this movie feels very middle-school, but in a great way that makes you smile; the ending feels middle-school in a way that makes you cringe and want to forget it happened. It’s a shame the movie has to end on such an odd note; I even watched it in Japanese with subtitles on, to see if it was a translation issue. It’s not. A couple other parts of the movie are a little clearer with subtitles (for instance, it makes much more sense to have Shizuku be translating Country Roads into Japanese than just re-writing it in English), but the ending is basically the same. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[trialtribandtestimony]

His Mercy

A lot of the time we find ourselves asking, "is there really hope for that person?". Usually not thought aloud, but we can see someone so deep in despair it's almost impossible to imagine them any other way. When I look back on my life, that's how I view where I was at.

What was my life like before Christ? Well defining what that means is difficult. Honestly my story starts even before my birth. I was conceived out of wedlock and I was born to my mother when both of my parents were 19. A wedding was set in place before my birth but was canceled at the last second by the grace of God. My mother had been made aware of how disgusting a man my father, Michael, really was and didn't even want him in the room when I was born quite understandably.

Of course when I was born many a court case took place. My last name, custody rights, and etc. My mother was genuinely scared for my safety, along with my grandparents, because my father already was a drug user. The judge decided that, and he stated, my father would "grow out of it", and granted him visitation. The judge was wrong, and this decision has affected my life ever since. But I believe that this decision was not an accident, I don't believe God's plan is an accident at all. He works all things for good.

Despite the chaos of events when I was a baby, my early childhood years were not anything particularly bad. All of my special talents started emerging, I loved to act, sing, and paint. I had a vast inner world which still exists. I was quite outrageous and special to my family, out of a difficult situation I felt like a blessing. I would sing to strangers in the grocery store and capture the heart of everyone I met. I was saved at four years old, my grandmother genuinely believing I knew what I was asking for and I believe she was right. That's why my testimony really isn't about my life "before" Christ. He died on the sins for all of the world, my name was written in the book of life before the earth was set in motion, Jesus was always there because according to Calvinism (a philosophy I heavily agree with) he knew the decision I would make to follow him. Unfortunately tragic events would make me question that decision in a few years to come.

When I became about 8 years old it seemed like everything started hitting me at once from every possible angle. My mother would get divorced from her husband whom was the father of my sister. My third grade teacher noted to my mother that every-time id come home from Michael's house I would become extremely pale. I physically started to become extremely thin. At this age my father's controlling tendencies consumed him and increasingly became worse. He would force me to watch demonic horror movies, I'd cry because of how traumatizing it would be and tell my mom, but unfortunately she didn't have much control over those things which terrified me. My mom was always my superhero, and realizing that not even my mom could protect me rocked my world. I believe this is the time period he started using heavier drugs, but many memories are fuzzy and still blocked out to this day. This is when his behavior became worse, but the true intentions and twisted behavior started to appear. He pawned all of my Christmas presents, begged people for money on the street, stole children's bikes for drug money

How did I cope with feeling utterly powerless? I became obsessed with weather. I would check the weather on my computer every day before school. I recall writing a goodbye letter to my mother during a storm in third grade one day because I genuinely thought I was going to die. I was consumed in fear and weather was the only way my child brain could rationalize it.

Another difficulty at this age was that I had undiagnosed ADHD. I have type two, which is inattentive, which means I'm not hyperactive, just deeply consumed in my own world at all times. I have always felt I was on autopilot about 75% of my life. A combination of both adhd and anxiety meant I failed to thrive at school. I had to sit out during recess every day because I couldn't do my homework. That's when I remember first feeling depression in my life. So because I had to sit out, and visitation every other weekend with my father, I was not socialized at all. In fact, when I was at my father's house I wasn't allowed to even play with my cousins. I remember looking out the window crying and crying because I was not allowed to go into the backyard on the trampoline. Ever. I still suffer with social integration, I've always wanted many friends and to talk to people, and I know what to say but it always comes out odd to me. I missed out on fun adventures and bonding with kids my age, and that lead to me never really having any friendships, honestly to this day I'm still not sure how to make friends which is horribly embarrassing to me and always was. The one time I was allowed to have a birthday party at Michael's house, a few friends from my elementary school came to a pool party I had. We jumped on the trampoline in our bathing suits, as Michael pulled out a random camera to take pictures. My step mom told him it was odd but he wouldn't stop taking pictures of me and my friends.

This would continue into middle school, when the abuse also started to happen. At first in my elementary years it was psychological. "Always make sure to lock your doors, someone will break in and kill you", I can still hear my father say over and over. Forcing me to watch the lovely bones, a movie about a girl getting kidnapped and molested as I panicked watching it as a young child in absolute fear. Now he became physically and sexually abusive as well as psychological. What went along with this was people being invited to friend's sleepovers which I was NEVER allowed to attend, and watching other kids my age form groups as I sat alone for lunch every day.

Around this time I recall starting to self harm, I didn't even really know what it meant at that point. I would get a comb and scrape my arms with it just to relieve intense fear I experienced. I had frequent stomach aches, not knowing what the concept of anxiety even was. I was skinny, pale, and always felt sick. I barely ever ate. My two younger siblings were born and he threatened to throw them down the stairs, and often neglected them. When my stepmom would leave for work I had to change their diapers and feed them. If I didn't, Michael would let them sit in their filth all day. One of my brothers developed selective mutism from the abuse and fear caused by Michael. I tried to care for them as much as a 10 year old could.

In this time period, about 6-7th grade I remember Michael using drugs and alcohol clearly. He would talk to himself while intoxicated and make absolutely no sense. He would claim to see demons, which may have actually been considering his involvement with psychics and satanic movies and music and necrophilia he watched. This is when the actual event of molestation happened but I will save the gory details on that. He would often tell my stepmother at the time odd and inappropriate remarks about my appearance as I grew older, and that I would grow up to be a prostitute. One time I wore skinny jeans and he talked to me for hours about how inappropriate that was and what boys at school would think. I was not allowed to wear shorts that were above my knees or any colorful clothing.

At this point I found a youth group I loved. I was supposed to see Michael on Wednesday nights, but I told him I just wouldn't go. He'd have to move it. So he demanded I see him Tuesday AND Thursday instead. I said fine, because this feeling I got from God is something I'd never had before in my life. I remember listening to "How He Loves" and bawling my eyes out as my father sent threatening texts to my mom. I brought a friend that night, and somehow he found her parent's phone number and called them saying that my mother took us to church on his visitation time. Because of his psychotic actions she was no longer allowed to hang out with me. But just in that chaotic moment and listening to the song "How He Loves", That became God's love song to me, and he has played it during significant times in my life ever since. God gave me this comfort that I could cling to, a comfort of hymns and nursery rhymes and bible stories like I had as a child. I experienced His absolute precious love which is just inexplicable.

During this time the abuse increasingly became worse with the drug use. He would drive me and my siblings around drunk in the middle of the night. He would stalk me as I slept and never really leave me alone. He would walk into the bathroom and stay in there while I showered. At this point I had developed severe depression and anxiety. All I could think about was escape. I escaped with boyfriends and art and music. I had one boyfriend who my father found out was African American, and called his number leaving a message of racial slurs on my phone to his number. A phone my mother bought me that he stole from me when I tried to bring it with me to his house.

My mom called CPS (again) when I told her I'd kill myself, (at age 11), if I ever had to see Michael again. There was not enough evidence to support a case so it was dropped. I prayed and prayed, and mentors in my life had prayed for me as well. This may sound odd but I could feel certain times where they currently prayed for me. And then, a miracle happened. Michael signed over his rights.

My family on his side no longer talked to me. During this time my ex stepmom divorced Michael and took my two brothers and had a restraining order filed. My family on that side didn't support her, and I was not in contact with her yet, she was forced to live in a shelter for a while because of the absolute neglect on my father's side of the family. Luckily now we got back in contact and she is my absolute best friend and I get to see my brothers whenever I please. But back to the fact that they divorced- Michael had an arrest record made public online of his drug use. It was getting worse. He became homeless, voluntarily living on the streets, but still using payphones to harass my mother and ex stepmom. He would steal pictures from my mother's Facebook of me and say, "she has my eyes" and post them online, which still haunts me. He would threaten to break in or harm us, and he threatened to kill his own parent's dog. His mother tried to get in contact with me, she told my mom that he got into an accident, looking for sympathy or something. The accident was that he overdosed on drugs. They claimed he fell off a bridge, but later confirmed to me it was drug related

The one friend I did have was my cousin, who to this day has no communication with me. She was my only friend when I had none. Even after my mom trying to make contact, and seeing them at my grandfather's funeral, no one believed my story of abuse.

I thought my pain was over. I was FREE. I could forever live with my mom and go to church and have friends. Unfortunately it just didn't turn out that ideally.

I still had depression and anxiety. It didn't go away. I still didn't know how to make friends, I started to become bullied and changed schools frequently. Now the suicidal ideation would come to play at age 13-14. I still believed in God but I just felt so hopeless. I believe the only reason I never fully attempted suicide was because the Holy Spirit left this lingering light in my heart. It was inexplicable, but it was there. Something just told me to look up to the heavens, no matter how dim and dreary the sky may be.

Despite this hope my mind was broken. I started my 9th grade year in an outpatient school, where I met my therapist who has been a gift from God. This school was for high risk suicidal adolescents, no phones were allowed and we were patted down on the daily. It was quite dreary but here I learned about coping skills and boundaries which were crucial for me to learn, I still didn't get the concept for a few years and honestly I'm still improving on these things. I was quite codependent on boyfriends I had and didn't know how to talk myself down from panic attacks that produced frequent vomiting and dizziness almost daily.

After outpatient I went to high school, but not much changed. I felt so alone, even with the few friends I did have. I felt like no one really still understood me, I felt suicidal again and went to inpatient. This honestly didn't change much for me, and I had to go to inpatient again not long after. It's basically just 24 hour supervision for high risk patients.

I just couldn't cope with feelings of isolation and not receiving the love I would find in Christ. I hopped from relationships which made me feel even worse, although I regret nothing and I learned quite a lot, some of which as a teen produced lifelong friends. I started to hurt other people, something I NEVER wanted to do in my wildest dreams. I didn't even know who I was anymore.

I started experimenting with different things and engaging in risky behavior. I just kept trying to fill the hole in the pit of my stomach. On a bad trip I had with a drug I tried, I had to go to the hospital. I never was addicted to drugs but recreationally tried things at parties which I shouldn't have dabbled with, but God used it to bring me back to him. All I remember with this trip is feeling so far from God and so so scared. No thoughts went through my head and I thought I would have a seizure. My mind was completely blank. When the ambulance arrived I sobbed as I called my grandfather and family to meet me. Their disappointment was the worst thing I would ever face in my life. The still loved me, but they were heartbroken. In the ride to the hospital I cried out to the EMT, "is God going to forgive me?" It's all I could ask as I sobbed and violently shook. He told me God will always love me in response, and I will always be grateful for the sensitive nature of that man, I could almost start bawling while even writing this. The sedative they gave me was supposed to make me forget but I never forgot that man's kindness.

You would think this would revert me right back to God but not entirely. I faced YEARS of abuse, and it would take years to know who I even really was, being allowed to be myself. I never tried anything like that and will never again, but then codependency reared it's ugly face into my life. Luckily in this time period though I still searched for God and prayed to Him. I read a book called The Shack which forever changed my view on Him, (highly recommend it.). I felt the Holy Spirit in my life but I couldn't let go of the control I needed. So what did I do? I ran.

First I ran to a new school. It was an alternative school but you could go at your own pace. For once I could do work in the way my brain functioned and I made A's, and graduated at 16 years old. I then went to cosmetology school, swicthed schools again, and finished it out even though the environment there was extremely toxic and self-indulgent in an appareance and narcissistic way that I started to loathe. During this time my paternal grandfather passed away. I attended the funeral along with my stepmother and brothers, mother and sister. We weren't allowed to sit with the family during the funeral. My paternal grandfather was extremely racist and homophobic, and also a Baptist Sunday school teacher. The whole funeral they bragged about how godly he was. I just wanted to shout "if only you knew the vile disgusting secrets of this family!" But God gave me the grace to be respectful during this time, so I was silent. When my father was notified of his father's passing, he stated "I'm hungry. I want Arby's." Shortly after the funeral my paternal grandmother took me out for my 18th birthday to Chili's. I thought this was a time to reconcile, so I accepted trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. During the dinner she tried to claim it was my fault Michael turned out this way, and it was horrible of me to not speak to them before my grandfather's passing and not to see Michael after the "accident". She said a phrase I've heard all throughout my life. "You need to forgive and move on." How could I possibly move on from a thorn that grew with me as I aged? This pain had become who I was. But I told her the honest truth. "I did forgive him long ago. I wish no harm upon him. It's just unsafe for me to speak to him." She couldn't grasp the concept of forgiving at a distance, which is something very important to learn, and it helped me move on in a sense, but some tragedies cannot just be forgotten. After that she has tried to make contact with me, but I have not spoken to her. This decision was not because I have any ill intentions towards her, I really hope she gets help. I just can't be the one to help her learn about boundaries, and she shows no remorse for her involvement and defense of Michael. I don't need an apology but I feel that would be necessary to move on in a relationship with her, just so I know she wouldn't be toxic for my health and well-being.

I moved out of Texas to Colorado with my parents. I felt alone, so I ran to Chicago at age 18 with a man I barely knew. Then something just clicked. I will never get this love and attention I seek from a human being, it's just not possible. I moved back to Texas and jumped into another relationship even with knowing this information. I wanted to date around but on the first date I fell absolutely in love.

This person often ignored me and abandoned me for days, yet all I could do was try to make him love me for so long. I would sit in my room and sob. Who could help me? Not a hospital, not a drug, not even my own family or myself. After he broke up with ME, (thank God because I wouldn't have broken up with him at the time), I started going back to church and I found a job. I became a hard worker and just started to seek God and pray everyday. What's to lose? My skepticism and cynical heart started to burn off like deadwood.

This job became extremely stressful, so I sought God even more (along with returning to see my therapist who I saw for years). One night after a particularly stressful Wednesday afternoon a call was made to the altar, and something just told me to go. I asked my grandma to go with me though because I was too scared to go alone, which she did. I started sobbing because once again, God spoke to me. "Why don't you trust me like you did when you were a child? Don't you know I will hold you? Just lean on me, I won't disappoint you.". I figured hey I had nothing to lose, and decided to take that risk.

I met a pastor at my church named Dr.Marti, and started many amazing friendships as I was prayed over after a service of other's testimonies. Dr.Marti stayed many prophetic things about me that night and wanted me to take part in Bethesda School Of Ministry, which I desperately wanted to do, but was unable to because of my job. Then came a blessing in disguise- I was let go from the job. When I was let go I asked God "what am I supposed to do?, I know you work all things for good and this has some kind of meaning but what do I take from this?" , and I heard a clear voice state "remain in me". Odd. Not a way I'd word something in my head, quite frankly I didn't understand. The next day on my Bible app a scripture I didn't recall every reading was John 15:4 "Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." Needless to say I was shocked. I see now I lost this job in order to take part in ministry school at Bethesda while I could. I learned not only how to minister to others, but these codependent tendencies were restored into learning about healthy boundaries and how to be happy AND alone with God. (Also confirmed by Dr.Marti who stated she had a feeling God wanted me to be like a nun for a while. I laughed because if only she knew how true I knew that was.) So many behaviors in my life started to change, along with perspectives. I became patient, enduring, developed a sound mind, and fruits of the spirit. I learned not how to be normal, but how to find my unique identity in Jesus. The raw, blunt yet sensitive, fighting-for-the-underdog, intellectual, philosopher, artistic yet gentle and kind person I was designed to be.

In the school of ministry one night I remember asking God to heal me, to make me who I was meant to truly be at last. I love God's sense of humor. Dr.Marti after giving a message on healing that Sunday night called all of the students to pray over anyone who needed it. I was shaking in my flats. I'd NEVER done that before. As soon as she called us, I heard a voice from God which made me laugh in awe. He said "You will be healed not by being anointed with oil, but by anointing others with oil." This symbolism showed that when I take the first step to seek God He will reward me and I will be made available to find His presence even more, which heals and delivers. I prayed for an elderly man, spilled a little too much oil on his face as it almost dripped in his eye, and smudged it in with my thumb sheepishly and cracked up about it later, but it was such a sweet moment.

So through God healing me, what's changed? Well, I still have depression and anxiety, and adhd. Could God deliver me from it? Yes. Will He? Maybe. But if it's in His will I carry these things so I serve others and am reminded to think about myself less and others more, than these things will remain until I'm given my new body and these illnesses did with my old body. However, my daily vomiting panic attacks turned into at most bi-monthly anxiety attacks, and suicidal ideations turned into bouts of random melancholy. After being told I functioned at a rate of 15% out of 100% at a mental hospital, and being told be a psychologist he's surprised I still function in society and haven't lost my sanity is pretty astonishing. When I told the psychologist my backstory he was amazed I was still standing, and quite frankly so am I. I believe with my whole heart it's only by the grace of God, and the help of my unconditional loving and supporting friends and family. I have a new job at the church daycare which I love, and I would like to pay off cosmetology school debt and start college soon to continue healing other's through Jesus's name and prayer like He called me to do in more abstract means like psychology, reaching every kind of person there is, innocent children or addicts and thieves.

I was promised life more abundantly and that promise was fulfilled more than I could ever imagine. God gave me impossible endurance, yet didn't make my heart cold and cynical despite all of life's circumstances, I give all glory to Him for always keeping me close and loving me no matter what. I don't know where we'll go together in the future, but as long as God is with me I will march on, praising Him for his one million "second" chances and grace. I feel that my "rebirth" was more of a process. It didn't happen overnight, but over a long stretch of time. I feel I have the freedom to actually chose who to be and what I want to do, and I am so grateful for this new chapter in my life.

[ladymoonveil]

  Saying that Billy Hargrove is a polarizing character is putting it mildly in this fandom.  I’ve always hated that the Duffers wanted him to exist purely for the reason of having a “human villain”.  Why does Billy need to fill that role when you already have an organization full of evil dudes experimenting on kids?  If they wanted someone more specific, there’s always Neil Hargrove.  He’s a piece of shit who beats his son on the regular, and actively destroyed Billy’s relationship with Max by turning her into his walking, talking punishment.  He’s an abuser who turned the abused into another abuser, and if that’s not the peak of human villainy I don’t know what is.

   It also really bothers me when people hate Billy because he “doesn’t deserve redemption” and “should die for what he did”.  Apparently, shipping Harringrove means people want Steve to be in a violent relationship with a racist, which cannot be further from the truth.  Literally 99% of Harringrove fics have Billy getting the help he needs, admitting his past mistakes, and becoming a better person in the progress.  

  Steve has been one of my favourites since season 1, back when most people still disliked him.  I wouldn’t put him in a relationship with a one-dimensional asshole and make him suffer just for the sake of shipping.  (Though this is the accusations that some people like to make.)

  The reason I wanted to write this post about Billy Hargrove is because he reminded me of a boy I used to know when I was in the second grade.  We were only classmates for about 2 months, since I moved to Canada right after, but his name is the only one that I remember from back then.  (The following story is deeply personal, and please note this trigger warning for child abuse.)

  This boy was what everyone would call a “problem student”; someone who couldn’t sit still in class and had terrible grades.  He was always in trouble with the teacher for being too loud and noisy.  When you live in an East Asian country like Taiwan where grades are super important, this is a big red flag and people generally wouldn’t want to be friends with this person.  When I think about it now, I’m pretty sure he had ADHD.  But this was back in 1999, and ADHD wasn’t exactly a widely understood mental disorder.

  Despite this boy being a “problem child”, he wasn’t a bully.  (My mom told me a story of a real bully from when she was young.  He was also terrible at school, but he was a star player on the baseball team.  He would walk up an aisle of the classroom and slap his classmates’ heads as he walked by.  My mom got smacked almost every day, but he got away with it because he was athletic.  Unfortunately for the boy in my class, he wasn’t outstanding in sports either.)  

  I remember distinctly that he was nice and excited whenever I talked with him.  He certainly didn’t go around hitting people, or else I wouldn’t have given him the time of day.  We didn’t hang out together at recess, but he would lend me his Tamagotchi for an entire week before asking for it back.  My mom told me that whenever she brought me to school, he would stop to speak with her, and he was always very polite.  I didn’t think much of our interactions at the time, as he was just another classmate to me.

  One day, he showed up at school with literally half his face covered in black and blue.  You know the type of bruises people get if they’re slapped or punched?  This wasn’t like that.  This was like someone took black paint and slopped it on one side of his face.  It was that opaque.   

  My mom and I were shocked when we saw him.  She went to ask him what happened, and he told her that his father hit him with a wet towel because he stole some money.  She asked him how much he stole, and it turns out he stole five dollars because he wanted to buy erasers.  My mom told him that he shouldn’t steal; that he should ask his dad next time and tell him he wants to buy school supplies.  The boy said he did ask, but his dad wouldn’t lend him the money which is why he stole it instead.

 I remember very clearly that he didn’t cry, or act like he was in any pain.  In fact, he was so nonchalant about it that one of the thoughts that went through my 7-year-old brain was, “Oh, maybe it’s not as bad as it looks?”  

  I’m old enough now to understand his dad probably beat him so much that he wasn’t even phased by it anymore.  You don’t get that kind of bruising from being hit once with a wet towel. (Hell, you don’t get that type of bruising from being hit five times with a wet towel. It’s amazing that he didn’t go deaf from the abuse.) It really bothers me that I wasn’t more bothered about it back then, but the image of his bruised face has stayed with me for eighteen years.

 My mom was so angry when she heard what happened to him.  She went to tell the teacher, who was also a counselling advisor for the school.  My mom’s first thought was that she is more qualified to speak with students, and maybe she will be able to do something about it.  But when my mom told her what happened, my teacher said, “His grandparents told me he’s always causing trouble at home, and that he never learns no matter how many times they teach him.”  

  What she really meant was that his family all thought it was apt punishment and that he deserved it for his behaviour.  She wasn’t going to do anything about the abuse.  (Now, I don’t know if my teacher had already tried to help him and wasn’t able to, but my mom told me she came out of that conversation feeling very disappointed and upset at the outcome.  She never forgot his name either.)  

  Days passed and his bruises faded.  One day, the boy left in the middle of the class, and someone asked where he went.  The teacher said his mom came to visit him, so she let him take the day off to spend with her.  I didn’t realize his parents were divorced until this moment.  At the end of the school day, I was standing outside the classroom.  I saw him with a woman I had never seen before, and he was holding onto her and sobbing. He didn’t want his mom to go.  

  I remember thinking to myself, “Why doesn’t he just stay with his mom?  He really seems to like her more.”  (My mom has told me since that the system in Taiwan favours the father when it comes to child custody, similar to how the system in Canada favours the mother.  It could also be a case that she wasn’t able to support him financially, but I don’t know for sure.  All I know is that I’ve never seen him cry until that moment. He didn’t even shed a tear at school after his dad had beaten him black and blue.)  

 Fast forward a month or so and I was going to leave; I was immigrating to Canada with my family.  When I was saying goodbye to all my friends, he gave me a farewell present. It was this little book that had a bit of water damage.  I could tell it was something of his, and that he has spent time reading it.  I’ve gone through the book a few times, and from what I remember I enjoyed reading the short mystery stories and riddles in it.  When I told him I was leaving, he cried harder than most of the friends that I actually hung out with.  

  Over the last 18 years, I’ve thought about him from time to time.  But it wasn’t until two days ago that I really pondered why I haven’t forgotten his name, and why it seems like most of the things I remember from those two months of second grade in Taiwan involved that boy.  

  At the time, I was in the shower thinking about how I should write Billy’s character, since I wanted to tackle his childhood days in my story.  One thing led to another and suddenly, I was thinking about the book that my classmate had given me. To my absolute dismay, I couldn’t remember where I put it.  

  It was around 2:00 AM, and I had work the next day but I found myself going through my desk drawers and my bookshelves because I really needed to find this book.  I tried to remember where last saw it, and I had this creeping sense of dread that maybe I left it back in Taiwan, which means I may never see it again.  This made me think about why I didn’t bring it with me when I moved, and if I did, why can’t I remember where I put it?  

The answer? It just didn’t matter that much to me.  

  For the first time in my life, I sat down and really processed my experience with this boy that I barely knew.  It broke my fucking heart, and I’m still highly emotional about it even as I type this out.  I realized that this boy probably didn’t have things. His dad beat him for stealing five dollars to buy erasers and yet he lent me his toy for a week.  He couldn’t go and buy the most basic of school supplies but he gave me his book.  And I don’t even remember where I left it.  

  Unlike some people in my class, I was friendly to him.  But even though we talked, I don’t remember thinking of him as a friend.  I was the vice class president and he was someone who was always getting in trouble, and that put an invisible barrier between us.  (You don’t hang out with the problem child, the stigma was always there. Even though I knew in my heart that he wasn’t a bad kid.)   Thinking about the way he cried when I said goodbye, I realized that to him, I was his friend.  

 I’ve honestly been bawling my eyes out over the past few days at this revelation.  I wish I had talked to him more.  I wish that I was genuinely his friend.  I wish that I hung out with him at school because he was abused at home and I can’t recall if he had any friends of his own.  

  I wish I knew what I know now so I could try to help him.  

 It hits me the hardest when I think about where he might be now.  Did he manage to get away from his dad and his grandparents, who stood by and enabled the abuse?  Did he grow up to be a delinquent or a gangster and follow in his dad’s violent footsteps?  Did he get to stay with his mom when he was older?  Is he still the kind boy who shared what little he had with a girl that only spoke to him sometimes?  

  I tried to look him up on Facebook, but I can’t recall his face enough to recognize him, even if I did find the right person.  (There are multiple people with the same name, and none of their profiles listed the elementary school I went to.  I’m not really surprised, e-mails barely existed back then, let alone Facebook.)  I’m not sure what I would say to him, or if he even remembers me.  How should I react, if he had in fact turned into a horrible person?  But regardless, I want to thank him for the book, and for thinking of me as his friend.

  Sometimes my thoughts would go very dark and I’d wonder if maybe he had died from one of his dad’s beatings.  I try not to think about that, I want him to be alive and happy.  I hope he’s living a normal life now, surrounded by people who care about him.

  I guess I realized that this boy I knew could have easily grown up to be a Billy Hargrove, and it’s a fucking travesty because he was stuck in a situation where nobody helped him.  I think back to the scene where Billy’s dad slapped him around, while his stepmom stood by and watched.  Let’s just say I view his character in a different light after my own emotional journey. We don’t know what he’s been through growing up; who he was before his dad twisted him into the volatile teen that he is today.  This is why I will never agree with people who don’t think he deserves a chance at redemption.

 I told my best friend about this yesterday, and she cried with me.  I thought that maybe her tears were for his plight, but then she told me something that floored me.  She said that I shouldn’t beat myself up over this because I was seven years old, and seven-year-olds don’t think about things the way a twenty-six-year-old would. She told me that she believed I was a kind friend to him even if I felt like I wasn’t genuine, because that’s who I was for her when we were young.  

 I didn’t understand at first, and then she told me that she had really bad anger issues before we became friends.  She bounced from classmate to classmate, and she felt terrible because she wasn’t really close to anyone.  It made her isolated and angry, to the point that she punched a hole in her wall.  She said that after she met me in the sixth grade, she told herself that she has to get her anger under control, because she felt like she’ll scare me away, and she wanted me to be her friend.  I told her I never felt that from her, and she cried harder because that meant she succeeded.  Its profound how much you can mean to someone without even realizing it, and this is something that I don’t think I would have learned if not for the character of Billy Hargrove.  

  When I ship Harringrove, I’m not doing it to “fetishize gay men” or to “put Steve in an unhealthy relationship for the sake of having two attractive white guys getting it on”, as some people like to assume.  I see in Steve someone who is dealing with his own issues back at home, and is genuinely a nice guy who cares and likes to help people.  I see him as someone who can reach out to Billy and support him when he has nobody else on his side.  The Steve in my mind would be the person to give Billy the motivation to change for the better.  

  It won’t be easy for Steve, but helping Billy isn’t a burden that I place on this character.  It’s not some trial that I put him through for the drama of this ship.  I now know firsthand the regret you feel when you leave someone you could have helped behind, and the absolute relief when you do end up making a difference for a person you’ve grown to care about.  I love Steve, and he’s not going to feel this regret because he’ll do better than I did in my stories.  And it’s not just a one-way street, because after Billy gets the help he needs, he’s going to turn right back around and support Steve through his traumas as well.  Billy’s strong in a different way, and they could be so good for each other.

  This is the potential that Harringrove shippers see in their relationship. Before you go around judging or sending hateful messages, actually stop to take a look at why people like these two characters together.  You may be surprised by what you find.

[mandivsman-blog]

So, I came to the end of a situationship about a month ago with a man I realized I didn’t know at all. We were seeing each other for about 3 months and I would consider it long distance. Now, he did the classic “love bomb” (telling me he loved me right away, selling me all type of extravagant dreams, calling and leaving messages multiple times a day) a love avoidant technique and towards the end I found out he was deeply troubled, didn’t think he was, and was probably not going to change. He actually turned me OFF at first. I found him clingy but was simultaneously intrigued because I thought he was successful, well traveled, and thought we were looking for the same things word for word. Now, I’m not excusing my part in this. He was not my usual type and at the first sign of trouble I should have left. He was 40 years old, hundreds of sexual partners, never lived with someone, moved all over the country, single for multiple years, never had a long term relationship (2+), never stayed in one place for very long, had no sense of normalcy or routine, was very emotional but lacked empathy for others, and I got a sense he thought people were disposable. And, through all of those things, he was still just being who he was. Not good, not bad. Just him.

Why did I hang around? Well, what is the #1 thing that makes us attracted to another person?

Whether THEY’RE attracted to US. Yes, that’s right, if they like you, that’s half the attraction right there. He was a Casanova right away. Spoke beautifully, like a poem. He supposedly noticed and loved things in about me that I love about myself. He was externally successful, intellegent, funny, clever. We connected deeply on a sexual level as well. It was easy to open up about things I wanted and rarely shared. We had similar goals about the future.

See, it’s easy for a man to give me attention. I glamour/alternative model, sex positive, and extremely open but they don’t know me. They don’t know my past or my fears. Men tell me things all day, everyday. It’s easy for me to simply overlook because it’s the same words over and over. A man can look 10/10, be wealthy and fit and I will feel no sense of attraction. I have to hear the right words.

Words are meaningful but they lose their value if the actions aren’t parallel. This is where it sticky because the words vs. actions is a perception and thus subjective. One person may feel like their words match their actions perfectly yet the other person feels like they are doing they exact opposite. Is there really any objective truth?

Patterns. If it weren’t for recognizing patterns in science we wouldn’t have centuries of information that’s saved millions of lives and responsible for almost every innovation we have. There’s truth in patterns. He told me multiple stories and I noticed patterns. But, what is the truth? Was it my history of being scared of men and not trusting him that made me notice these patterns? Did they matter? And who should I ask for answers?

I choose not to be in a relationship for a long time. I was in a multiple year, live-in, serious relationship for most of my twenties with the only person I ever loved. The split was, in laymen’s terms, because I didn’t want to move forward and take our relationship seriously enough. This still haunts me some days, some days I think it was a blessing. I felt like a kid most of that relationship but I still remember how freeing and how fufilling full trust and endless love and affection was.

He loves me. He would never hurt me. He cares if I have a headache or a bad day. He makes me a priority. He wants to make me happy. He protects me.

And, In turn, I did the same plus more.

That relationship had been outgrown, unfortunately, and there was nothing him or I could do to stop it. He was air headed and light. Surface level. I am intense, quirky, horny, intense, highly-intelligent, inquisitive, complex. I take up space. I crave learning, doing, seeing, questioning. He liked watching TV.

After our split, I had a rough several years. I needed time to heal and figure things out. This time was the first time I truly spent time alone instead of jumping back in a relationship or dating. This is the best thing that I have ever done.

When a person goes from relationship to relationship, fuck to fuck, person to person, they just wind up mirroring their current partners personality instead of cultivating their own. Chamaeleon like. You need consist, heart wrenching, gut churning time alone. A person needs time to let their heartbreak, disappointed heal to change the essence of their character. This is growth. Jumping from one person to another is a distraction. It chips away. Now, I’m not talking about taking interest in your partners interests. I actually love that part of relationships because I love learning from my partners. I’m talking about melding your life with theirs and basically becoming your partner. 

Anyway, I kept on trying to break it off with this person. He was saying beautiful words but I could never feel comfortable with him. He was had no schedule and his stories didn’t match up. I would bring up inconsistencies but he would shrug them off.

Doubt began to built.

When we began seeing each other he did tell me there was some overlapping but about a month in I decided I didn’t want to see someone with that kind of baggage and tried to break it off. He told me, “I have no one else.” Now, it was just “I have no one else.” It was paragraph after paragraph. Phone call after phone call cementing the fact that there was no one else and he wanted me, was pursuing me, and saw a future with me.

But, that wasn’t the case.

He was still boo loving and fucking that girl. I asked him again and he finally told me the truth. A 24 year old girl (he’s 40), with severe co-dependent issues. He told me her current boyfriend (they’re in an open relationship)was older than him and basically controlled her whole life and didn’t treat her well. I felt for that, no one deserves that but hearing that he was OK with entering the life of that person who was extremely sick, and fucking her changed the way I looked at him. If he wanted to help her without the benefit of sex, that would be one thing. I was devastated. I couldn’t understand how someone could tell me the things he had said to me and blantantly lie to me.

Still I tried to make things work because I felt like we could have a great future together...and I just couldn’t fucking let that go...

He told me he would break it off. I asked “in person?” And he said “My therapist and I will decide.” This puzzled me and hurt me. After this situation caused so much drama between us, why add more strife? Remember how he thought she deserved a break up person when I tell you how he disrespectfully ended things with me...

And, I just want to add, if things hadn’t moved lightening fast between us, I would not have felt this way. I’ve been through similar situations with men I’ve cared for and have never been in as much pain as that betrayal made me feel. When clearing out my phone of anything regarding him, I deleted over 20 voicemails from him.

He told me “I don’t want to lose you. I’ve never met anybody like you and I’m scared I won’t again.”

Sounds like bullshit, I know, but everybody secretly wants to hear that from their partner. It felt so good. It felt like I found a friend and lover who had plenty of experience but out of all those women he picked me. We all want to believe that. We all play the fool sometimes.

Anyway, I was in rare form. Since the quarantine I had stopped taking my ADHD med bc of insurance issues which I really need for multiple things including mood, and focus, my mental health was declining, I was drinking a lot, I had little direction, and here this man comes along to swipe me off my feet. He had some extravagant baggage which, when I first heard, I was like “this is not my guy but fun for now”, but I grew to want to walk with him through his problems, grow with him, and nurture him. That’s who i am. The problem was, I couldn’t trust or forgive him. So, he wasn’t doing the actions needed to help restore trust. The second he hurt me and I started reacting, I could feel him start pulling away. He had multiple, heavy things going on and whether he wanted to build trust but couldn’t bc he was busy or he didn’t care to, I will never know.

I also was trying to connect with my absent father at the time which did not go well. I should have known better. Every time my father tries to reconnect with me, my life and psych gets flipped on it’s head because, he’s still the same man who abandoned my mother and I when I was a child. See, it would be different if he had done therapy or actually attempted to be a better human but he hasn’t. He just shows up periodically and says “forgive me.” And I’m not, “no, you selfish mother fucker, show me you’ve changed.” He can’t. He’s 50 years old and is who he is. He disturbs my life subconsciously and consciously. He is to me. I was having a this battle with my father and trying to make things work with my love interest...

But I couldn’t stop being angry with him. I couldn’t stop feeling stupid for trying to believe what he was trying me. I kept trying to break off the relationship like once a week. At the time, I really didn’t want to be with him. I felt disgusted with his character but breaking down the root of that action, I just wanted to manipulate him into comforting me.

How pathetic is that?

Such a hard pill to swallow for me. I didn’t have the tools to regulate my emotions and communicate what I needed. I didn’t have the balls to firmly let go of the relationship. I was miserable running in circles.

Now, this was the absolute wrong thing to do and definitely is emotional blackmail. I hated that I was doing it. It hurt me and weighed me down. The person I cared for was walking on eggshells. I was hurting the person I cared for and he was also hurting me.

When I would drink, I would have meltdowns. They weren’t funny or cute. They were hurtful and designed to cause pain. If we’re talking in self-help terms..every time I would feel triggered, my “pain body” or “shadow” would be stimulated and their main function is the cause damage and posing as a faux coping mechanism.

Painbody-“It is an accumulation of painful life experience that was not fully faced and accepted in the moment it arose. It leaves behind an energy form of emotional pain. It comes together with other energy forms from other instances, and so after some years you have a “painbody,” an energy entity consisting of old emotion.”

I remember painbody being described in Eckort Tolle’s “The Power of Now” as “A lizard eating it’s own tail.” A pain that causes you to hurt people and that also hurts you to hurt people. I hadn’t been triggered like this is years. My mind forgot how to protect itself in a healthy way. I was just doing the best I could.

I met his parents and brother in Denver. This meant a lot to me because, for me, I would never introduce my mother to someone I wasn’t sure about. To me, that’s unfair to my mother to constantly bring man after man over for him to meet.

At this point, communication is declining, he’s trying to do the books for several businesses, meet up with friends, travel, and work...yet is trying to build a connection with me? It wasn’t the right time. I needed to feel like the person who supposedly “loved” me actually cared about integrating me into their life. We had nothing planned to see each other, he always made plans last minute. This was another big reason I couldn’t feel comfortable with him. He expected me to be completely on his schedule. Every time he would tell me, 5-7 ahead of the time he was free and I’d have to completely change my schedule for him. I would have to change plans with friends, family. I’d have to move shifts around at work and lose money. Also, he used to call me in the middle of the night and I would wake up and answer. During his all night shifts sometimes he would sometimes call me multiple times. I was so discombobulated. I was trying to be there for him. I wanted to be with him.

Last time I saw him I flew to Seattle. It was going fine until i asked whether he was still talking to that young girl. He said he had. He also acted like she had a family emergency and I was some monster for being upset about him talking to her. At that moment, I knew it wasn’t over between them. He was also showing me something on his phone and I held it a little closer to my face and he snatched the phone out of my hand. Both situations he convinced me I was wrong and should believe him despite his sneaky, withdrawn behavior. I had so much anxiety. I drank the rest of the weekend to try and calm down which had the opposite affect.

After I came home, We barely spoke. I tried to break it off with him twice. He send me a picture of him crying. I was sick. I couldn’t feel better. It had been so long since a man made me feel so small, so insignificant. Everything he said and did contradicted each other. What was the truth?

I began to not tell me friends anything because I was so embarrassed that I still stuck around. I don’t know why but I believed he was good. I believe he cared for me. I believed we could make it.

I went to a therapy appointment and laid everything out in a brutal 2 hour session. I was transparent because I knew I couldn’t figure this out without complete honesty. I called him crying, telling him I missed him and wanted to make this work. At this point, he seemed nonchalant. I think he probably was already seeing the girl again at this point bc he was completely different. That week he was working and barely spoke to me. He answered me hours later. He cared nothing for me. He was tired of my reactions and thought he was absent of responsibility for my behavior.

This made me feel desperate. Desperate for an answer, desperate for a reason. Desperate for the truth. I felt the pull of abandonment on my chest. I called him, he wouldn’t answer. I called again, he wouldn’t answer. This bothered him. When I would speak to him he would act annoyed with me like I was bothering him. Remember though, this man would call me 5-7 times a day, leave multiple messages, send pictures and videos all day long, and a week before this, send a picture of his ass crying. I have NEVER had such a piece of emotional manipulation sent to me IN MY LIFE. And just like that, he snatched all that back. It meant nothing.

I reached out one more time. I spilled my heart out. I said we could start over again. I had meant what I said. He sounded reluctant the whole time but eventually agreed. I promised that I was working daily on forgiving him and working to feel safe in my own body as to not project on him. It didn’t feel right. After this conversation I felt uneasy. I really thought “this is my person and I’m gonna have cute little, smart babies with him”, but at this point he made it seem like it was a competition. I knew there was other women, possibly multiple, I would knew I would never be happy not being the queen. I wouldn’t be able to respect him or look up to him. I knew he had no sense of loyalty and yet I still wanted to make it work. Him not having loyalty perplexed me because his parents are good people his and been together for years and years.

My phone rings at 2:30, I thought he was attempting to make more contact with me (bc that was one of the things I had said would make me feel comfortable) but he sounded weird. I asked “Why did you call me?” And, I don’t really remember what he said but, it was along the lines of “this is the way it is and I don’t wanna deal with it. This is not for me.” He broke things off with me. Then, to add insult to injury, he added “The man you end up with is going to be the happiest man in the world.” Man, stfu. If you’re a man and you’re reading this, never fucking do that. It’s just so shitty and pretentious. This is a pattern of his. He did it to someone else with me. But he felt the other woman deserved in person and I deserved a 2 minute fuck you phone call at 2:30 am. That being said, my guess is he tried to break it off with her but a. It was never completely broke off bc he’s not capable of making a firm decision and B. She’s young and naive so it’s easier not to be held accountable and she’ll be less likely to enforce her needs c. She’ll let him fuck who he wants bc she’s nonmonagomous. D. It’s a trauma bond. E. They lived in the same state. It was just so fucking obvious and I tried to force myself to ignore it.

Anyway, I said goodbye.....and went right the fuck back to sleep. I am not kidding when I say, the weight had been lifted right then and there. Sure, I was mad I was disrespected, lied to, and maltreated but the limbo and that weird feeling in my tummy was torturing me. I spent a week boohooing. I liked him, I missed him but, all in all it wasn’t that deep. I didn’t love him, I was ATTACHED to him. I wouldn’t have been attached to him if he didn’t sell me a dream.

I had screenshots of some of grandiose things he’s said to me and honestly, I just had to laugh. Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe what people are capable of.

But, I’m giving myself a break. Since quarantine I’ve been through some changes. After the quarantine started, my yoga studio closed which I went to 5 days a week. I was also meditating at least 5 days a week.I feel like I was really happy and grounded. The difference between my psych then and now is profound. When I lost my job I couldn’t afford my ADHD med this summer so I had to abruptly stop it (Stratera) which definitely left me kind of out of sorts. I wasn’t working, I was alone, I was worried about money, I moved, my (absent) father was trying to come back into my life all while trying to take care of anyone and everyone I could because that’s just what I do. Also, I have a pattern of Rocky starts in relationships. I try to be who I am from the beginning, work things out, and then have a great rest of the relationship without waiting until 2 years in for you to find out that I’m awful. I’ve had good and bads experiences with this. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I was stupid. I can’t even say I wont act stupid in another relationship again. I probably will because sometimes I suck and that’s okay.

To be continued and edited...