#as. self-centered as that sounds too
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im not going to be messy im not going to be messy im NOT going to be messy.
#not going to tell that boy i like him just cause that girl is going after him. that's toxic af#toxic AF STOP IT STOP BEING LIKE THAT#literally this sucks so much i should be excited about that girl im seeing in a couple weeks and instead#instead im fucking MOPING#i fucking hate feelings.#like. i Never like people like this#people like ME i don't like them back. that's how it's supposed to be#as. self-centered as that sounds too#but anyways. every time he texts me i'm : D#and i need to stop it. we're friends. I'm his Close Friend that he confides in#and saying literally anything would be such a betrayal of trust or whatever#and NOT COOL to anya#but also it was p uncool of her to go for him when she knew i liked him lmao#esp when she does this with most of the boys any of us like#ughhhhh#im going to be unselfish. and not make his life harder and more awkward#idkkkkkkkkkkk#we live in the same building. we work in the same building. we have the same friend group. i am Not going to blow that up#2 weeks into a 14 month lease.#ok thank u to the void this helped#typing that out made me realize how much i would be fucking us both over#so let's </3 not#UGH#im getting arrange married actually#that'll fix all my problems i think#im getting over this boy. he's just some guy#he's LITERALLY just some funky little guy what is wrong with me#what if i quit my job and move to a new city and like. get a phd or whatever#i don't mean that i fucking love my job. but also what if. then i wouldn't have to think about fucking feelings
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damn I really couldn't care less about Izutsumi
#she's not even annoying anymore she's just straight up boring#whenever things are centered around her the story feels stagnated#y'all take some mean phrases mixed up with flashbacks and sudden self questioning like it's the most revolutionary thing in the world#her chapters feel like a cat video that's too long#you enjoy the first 10 seconds but it ain't long before it's just some video and just some cat#not even a cute cat just a cat#it almost sounds like I'm hate posting but honestly I don't hate her lol#I simply don't care if she's there or not and most of the time I forget that she is#izutsumi#dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi manga
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not to sound like a redditor again but holy fuck it’s actually so annoying to be smarter than most people and it creates actual problems in my life. I have to be so careful about anything I say because even if it’s correct, people my level and above me will feel like I am making them look bad or challenging their authority so every fucking thing I say has to be this careful construction of explaining the same thing over and over again until I can finally lead them to the right answer so they don’t feel like I’m smarter than them.
#like I gave some VERY basic background on how APIs work to make my answer of ‘since the SME isn’t here you really need to talk to the#developer’ make sense#and 5 very very frustrating ‘well can they just do this?’ ‘yeah if they can target that endpoint’ ‘well can they target that end point?’#‘I don’t know and it’s not documented so you’ll have to ask [developer]’ ‘oh okay but what about this?’#and then repeat that 5 times but each time the field suggestion is different#but she’s technically my boss so I can’t even say ‘this is why I said you’d need to ask [developer] I do not have the answer you need’ bc#bc the last time I did that I got yelled at.#it’s even worse with my male superiors and like#I don’t know if I’m actually just smarter than everyone or if I’m just like super autistic or something????#it’s such a stupid thing to complain about too and it sounds so arrogant and self centered#but also like. that is my experience…#but also I can’t imagine that I’m actually meaningfully smarter than 3/4 of the people I meet????????#like am I just unlucky?????
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.
#the problem with writing an old mond fic that I'm trying to explore Topics with is#it has dwelved from 'I want to write about why Amos stuck with Deca for so long and the messed up love between them'#to. oh boy. googling the life of the last emperor of china of which I am morbidly facinated with.#(terrible spineless self centered coward of a guy. treated as god since age 4)#(but also general chinese emperors and royalty who all really sucked and basing deca and amos both on a lot of that)#to general little morality things bc. its a story of how amos was complicit/supportive of terrible things under deca but still joined rebel#to. reading about the causes of revolutions???? and writing that into old mond's inherit instability and why nb's revolution worked#into now. attitudes on the ethics meat consumption of bc amos is a hunter who grew up outside of old mond and its culture#and forced into old mond's culture (<- my backstory for her)#which also has implications of Amos having to struggle to reconcile her heritage culture with the one she has to live in now#........and though it I keep forgetting that the initial thing I wanted to explore is deca/amos Problematic(tm) love#which means the plot is now a dredged down mess I'll have to fix in a second draft#......uh for anyone who thinks this sounds interesting. no promises on it actually getting finished or being good#this has spirled way out of control from its initial inception#but ya know all art has a political slant to it and boy nothing says political like 'story about revolution' so we'll see how this all goes#(this is also why I don't write fic or stories often lol I take its ideas too seriously and it completely consumes me until I finish it)#personal //
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hmm ...
#i wonder if i post small snippets of writing i think are good from my fanfic#more people might want to read it... since its so long...#it might entice ppl .... ppl might see the snippets and think 'woah wheres the rest of this' and BAM more ppl can see maoichi#then again why do i think i deserve that? idk ... I DONT KNOW whats wrong with me... god i sound self centered dont i...#idk i just know several ppl havent read it bc its too long ...#spice.txt#ill delete this in like 20 mins prob
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Yknow I’m generally someone who could be deemed a outsider because I don’t get involved in a lot of things especially when it comes to unnecessary discourse because even if I have a opinion I usually keep it to myself because for me it’s less worth to get involved in certain debates unless I’m really feeling like choosing violence that day but if there’s one debate where it’ll be two sides fighting and I’m just standing aside like “yep this sure is something” it’s fucking sub v dub debated because I’m the anomaly who watches either like it’s no problem and so many anime fans would find me weird for that- if they didn’t already think it was weird I didn’t care for mainstream stuff.
#meg text#this ain’t even a self conscious thing I was just thinking about it#because i literally swap dub/sub so much with the last show I watched for no reason#I don’t like picking a side in this debate even though sub fans are the more uh- vocal ones#but unless it’s hard or impossible to read captions people should be opened to watch things subbed#because some animes legitimately never get dubbed and this limits yourself from trying stuff#I say I’m more dub leaning though but it legitimately depends on my mood if I watch sub or dub#I originally thought sub was easier for me to watch short stuff and I have to test if I can last watching subs of longer shows#but I remember with fucking kikaider I kept swapping dub and sub like crazy#me: kikaider has a good dub also me: seki as jiro though (<saids as I think Dave was good)#that is my only frame of logic because I can’t use “oh if it’s shorter subs help me more”#bc I watched 01 dub but also more importantly new fucking getter dubbed fine#so much so new ryoma is the only ryoma in my brain I don’t attach hideos too it’s only Lex#I do wanna watch new sub in full one day though but no one somehow uploaded the full subs anywhere??#like when they are there’s a glitch where they aren’t in the center screen and this show on BLU-RAY how the fuck#new dub is good tho but I get it’s awkward to watch bc it’s also so engrained with Japanese culture#”people in a ancient Japan wouldn't sound like this”-my friends watching it again with me
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september rotation
this was an interesting month for music! i didn’t discover as many new songs as i usually do or typically put on here, but these are my top picks for the month
mushroom punch - zella day: zella day is on the fast track to be coming my new favorite artist bc this is a banger that’s equally as arresting as radio silence. just as punchy as the title suggests. it begs to be sung along to
cyclone - maude lateur: the beat!!!!!!!!! absolutely a sad twerking song. it’s about realizing the self-destruction of past relationships with the beautiful comparison to a hurricane (...to soon?) it includes the build-up to expecting a disaster and the excitement buried beneath fear it incites and the heart-breaking devastation that follows
take off - prinze george: i’ve had this song stuck in my head for days and for good reason. ABSOLUTE banger. it’s selfish and greedy and all consuming in the way love is sometimes
close to you - the wildlife: @majicmarker introduced me to this song and i haven’t recovered since. it has me down SO BAD i’m writing a whole ass fic. the eddissy vibes are off the charts and the lyrics ‘push your hands against the wall, kissing in the bathroom stall’ produced a very whoreish reaction from me ngl
lonely - ladyhawke: the yearning here... coupled with the haunting and harrowing vocals... contrasting the hopeful tone with the “hopeless” “other” in the song... the repetition of ‘run’ and ‘running’... all accumulates into this heavyhearted masterpiece that has me laying in bed and crying to. also the cover art fucks
graduating - nell mescal: oh this song... whew. it’s bittersweet. i know i describe a lot of songs on here as melancholic but this fits it to a tee. it’s also angry and hurting. like poking at a fresh bruise or an open wound. you want to heal but can’t do that without aggravating the pain, whether purposefully or not
i wanna - ella jane: back again with the yearning! i had to google what the artist says about this song and she describes it as coming from being fed up with being single and admitting to wanting to be in love as such a vulnerable and honest and even embarrassing place and describes the chorus as “empowering” which i completely agree with.
i WILL, however, debate with the interviewer of the article where they say the song “felt like they were in a coming-of-age film.” i wouldn’t definitively categorize this song as “coming-of-age” though i can see how it can be seen as such. it’s just not letting it live to its full potential. it’s a disservice. falling in love or realizing you want to be in love and be in a relationship isn’t limited to the ages between childhood/adolescence/adulthood. love can be found at any age! BUT i am also not trying to make this song inaccessible to people who are at that age (since ella jane is a young adult and wrote this song recently) and could benefit from hearing it
coolest fucking bitch in town - haley blais: already poured out the majority of my thoughts on this song to @152glasslippers whose tags introduced me to it and WOW. mind = blown. it’s nothing like i expected from the title and openly admit i was humbled right from the start. it’s soft yet still unapologetic and cathartic. i’ve been thinking about those trumpets ever since yesterday
#zella day has a new album coming out in 2 weeks and i am SALIVATING#monthly music rotation#monthly music roundup#september rotation#the theme this month seems to be centering around co-dependence and self realization through past relationships huh#and as always#yearning#anyway maybe my little argument about 'i wanna' is me projecting how i'm thinking about/trying to figure out my sexuality#that said i do think this song could be about the ace spectrum since that was one of my first thoughts listening to it#not included is 'all too well' and 'deliver us' from the prince of egypt sound track that i listened to at least 50 times#also 'lonely' is by like 6 other artists too that i did NOT feel like typing out#the 'close to you' fic WILL be posted this month i promise#it's just a monster
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I’m sorry but like I’m gunna need everyone to be a little less in love with me for five minutes as a result of it makes my life hard and also I can’t stop crying and I am in actuality just a small creature that fucks up a lot like.
I don’t know man it’s too goddamn much and also very much not enough.
#txt#weird venting I sound very self centered but like#girlies I am having too many criseseseses for this rn
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Protip, do not design yourself a lesley fit, you'll want it irl
#(the tags get into my au bs but this is a normal dhmis post at heart so I'm putting it in main tags too)#I was working on design for (god how self centered does it sound when I say I'm lesley in this. but she was so hard to cast) pass 1 harvey#AND I WANT THE FIT SO BAD NOW GAH#maybe one day I'll figure out how.......#chron dhmis au#pass 1#dhmis#don't hug me i'm scared
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Honestly it's kinda bold for people to assume that they're a regular straight couple since you can have a male and female who are together without being straight but even if they are straight...it's a damn cartoon movie! Don't get pissy just cause there's a hot chick and cool guy together
👆🏻
#bisexual and pansexual people also exist#interracial couples exist too#so it sounds pretty selfish and self-centered to say ‘I wish it way gay! it would be better!’#answered ask#toaverse answers
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my cat died today and only one friend reached out to me about it and it made me really sad
#tw pet death#i just don’t know how to approach this situation so this is the best i got rn#i haven’t posted about harley on here because i use this account for funny stuff but it’s the only place where most of them won’t see or#feel attacked or whatever#cause my goal isn’t to attack them it just made me really fucking sad#they’ve known about me taking care of Harley and her cancer for the past few weeks and known how deeply upset I’ve been about it#it really hurt to have to go through this and see some of the people closest to me not even message me condolences#or ask if im ok#and this all sounds so conceited and self-centered and that’s why i just don’t know how to approach this situation#idk. i hope i can figure something out tomorrow#if you see this teresa thank you so so much again for reaching out to me#milan of course has been great to me too#but it does make me so very sad that on this unspeakably painful day i had more random people ive never spoken to wish me well and not my#friends. but again i know i sound fucking selfish with all of this so I don’t know where to go#anyway#goodnight
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new oc just dropped
#opal.txt#oc tag: cassus#he is for a silly little thing i am hyperfixating on atm. as one does#in short#he's an ihnmams oc bc i find horror fascinating and i wanted to add my own little guy to the mix#so he's a cyborg - closer to an android in design but still at his center human#bc he was once human and he still /IS/ is his core theme. he has been changed sm but he is still himself even though his name is different#and his personality has changed he is STILL that guy and not that guy at the same time. he still /IS/ himself. the self is just not static#anyway before they wired up the whole earth they thought hey - maybe we can train a human to do this. and he volunteered (maybe)#and over time he became cassus but upon completion he was deemed too volatile bc he was still Too Human#couldn't be objective couldn't be logical bc even without a heart he still thought with his and made decisions from his. he still loved#he was built separate from the network bc they worried he would 'infect it' with his well. everything#and then put to sleep and launched into space to orbit the world while they lined it with circuitry#and he slept. for a hundred years and some change - asleep and dreaming all the while#and then his ship finally gets too old and gives out. so he crash lands#and the thing abt him is. he is poison data given human form#if am absorbs him - he will finally know what it is to feel and to be human. but he can't do that without permanently altering himself#he can't kill him either bc cassus was built to not die + has the bargaining chip of 'you try to hurt me and i WILL inject myself into you.#if you've seen tng he is to am what hue was to the borg collective#you could say 'oh sounds gay' and whatever they have going on is waaay more interesting to me. guys who hate each other + are also not guys#but also why not sure
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Logged off awhile because I felt powerless. Glad someone I followed survived. I hope he can get past this and turn it around because the bleak despair that drives one to do this sucks, man.
#being vague because i rather he has his privacy#i also hope my message didn't sound idk condescending or guilt tripping because i tried to do the opposite#and it may not have been helpful and little too late but if i stuck to my instinct of don't bother does it prove#his life is worthless? idk but i felt like making it about my distress as a follower is as annoying as a close family or friend pulling#'you have so much to live for what about me?' card isn't helpful either so i didn't as best i could#because being in these situations the self-centering of the other person not in crisis sucks
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Side effect of reading fanfiction with ships is it gets me thinking about relationships and never having been in one.
Side effect of reading fanfiction about queerplatonic relationships is it gets me thinking about that's not a term I've ever seen outside of english and I'm not sure it's something that exists in french and that's what I would like for myself but I can't express it and unless I spend my whole life in a long distance relationship or people are ready to move to france, I'm staying single all my life alright (it's a job thing because my sector sucks everywhere but it sucks a little less in France so leaving my country would actually be a big decision)
#it is almost 1AM so I'm not surprised the sadness is back#but reading fanfics about aspec characters and how softly and nicely it was treated and how accepting and open it was treated#makes me wish I could have that in my life though I know it's never happening#the puzzle of labels makes it hard to navigate I try not to think about it too much cause it gets pointless the more you do#but I know what I don't want for starters BUT having never been in a relationship how can I really know ? Like sometimes I wonder if I'm ar#or if it's just that I've never been in a relationship#Ok so guess tonight's tumblr post is my little mental confessional#also being ace and trans and bi makes it pretty hard to talk about that kind of stuff with anyone really#even though my friends talk about girls super often#and the only one who knows about some of these labels that make everything hard to deal with well...I don't feel like talking about that to#him alone cause I hate talking about myself to someone for too long cause I feel super self centered and it makes me panic#Cause family used to tell me to stop talking about stuff I liked or me cause it made me sound like I thought I was the center of everything
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The state of the world and my current circumstances combined are making me feel like I'm in literal, actual hell. I know I'm not, I don't even fucking BELIEVE in hell. But damn. The torment.
#faer personal files#i feel like i can't even talk about how personally it's affecting me without sounding like a self-centered asshole#it's just that i AM that interconnected and it feels like my extended family is being killed because they ARE#it's the regular empathy i have for the world like i truly believe that we're all interconnected and we're all family but it's personal too
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i need to figure out why i hate playing dnd so i can make myself stop hating it anf fucking enjoy myself for once !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#how do you make something that has both too many and not enough rules#why do i have to roll to look around a room why cant i just. fucking look with my eyes#why can't we roleplay normalstyle or something. idk#oh and every time you get an item or a spell or whatever you have to write all that shit down as fast as you can before u continue#like why cant you put the info on a card. hand me a card and then we dont waste so much time. christ.#literally everyone seems to enjoy and look forward to it except me what is my problem#and everything has DEADLINES which takes away so much of the would-be fun of it.#i think it'd actually be fun to make a character if it was on my terms but maybe thats just me and maybe im being overdramatic#i really do want to enjoy creating a cool story with my friends but instead i am plighted with Hate This So Much#is this a weird thing to vent about. probably !!!!! does it make me sound suuuper self centered ? yes !!!!!!!!!!#BUT im p sure my friends alr think i wont see this through. so i have to see it through. fuck.
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