#at this point it’s like I’ve been conditioned to believe they come attached

[polin-erospsyche]

Ok real talk here and I’ll preface this by saying I do not ship Luke and Nic together I just really love their friendship. But I cannot be the only one who’s highly highly bothered whenever they do not stand close together to the point of touching. Like whenever there is some kind of space between the two of them my brain just goes on high alert thinking things aren’t as they should be.

Like just for illustration sake:

Touching. Everything feels right in my little brain. Happy and safe place.

Not touching. Things are going haywire in my brain. What is that potted plant doing there? Get it away. Give them a couch so they can touch for god’s sake!

[asvterias]

𝖬𝗂𝗑𝖾𝖽 𝖲𝗂𝗀𝗇𝖺𝗅𝗌 ~ 𝖢𝗅𝖺𝗋𝗂𝗌𝗌𝖾 𝖫𝖺 𝖱𝗎𝖾

clarisse masterlist

warnings: some profanity, some angst, toxic love which shouldn’t be justified

pairings: clarisse la rue ✘ black!fem!demigod!reader (daughter of ambiguous cabin neutral)

genres: kinda insecure!reader, reader is kinda a gaslighter BUT it’s a happy ending, toxic!reader x toxic!clarisse, kinda asshole!clarisse, sad!reader, ‘always come crawling back despite everything i’ve done to hurt you’ trope, some tears are shed, possessive!clarisse, vulnerable!clarisse, clarisse has extreme attachment/commitment issues, clarisse is kinda a shitty gf, nothing else allusions to hickeys, descriptive make-out scene, hickey making, reader has narcolepsy (extreme tendency of rapidly falling asleep in relaxing conditions)

summary: developing a secret toxic relationship with clarisse gives you an unfamiliar excitement until you're caught. insecurities consume you after your relationship is exposed, causing you to avoid her, and eventually, your girlfriend confronts you.

word count: 5.5k+

tag list: @lvrue @kyuupidwrites @xanasaurusrex @urdeadpoet @aurorailvsm @quinnsadilla @st4rzl7 @p0rkbun @star-girl69 @aphroditesmoon @voidashh @lcvved @tinytea-biscut @dearlydarlings @rocknr0ll @nvirskies @k4zuhas-visi0n @urbisexualfriend @marlswhore @anominous-writer @lovelyy-moonlight @thegiganticgirlkisser @thewritingbarbie @apocalypticlibrary @solecitoszn @blackchubbyqueen @mira-belcul18 @sleighingstella @ampitrit3 @mthefae @drlover11037 @ratjoe @mag03 @kroumi @hoku-k @zhivaxo @lacytalks @kazerka @liv444me @korizzybee @mariposa555 @inejsknifes @cherriesnbutter @justintinderlake4 @natasha-took-fall-damage @lixtinystay @2k7-sparkles @b0ok-lover @novastarrs @urfavefag

author’s note: sorry anon, i hoped you didn’t mind me changing this plot that much! i really enjoyed writing this, hope you guys enjoy this too!! i can’t believe it took several months to finally publish this, writer’s block really gets the best of us ig! also this reminds me of that one tiktok!

requested by an anonymous

song playing — love on the brain by rihanna

And you got me like, oh

What you want from me? (What you want from me?)

A secret. A well-developed, thought-out, prepared secret. That’s what your relationship with Clarisse was to everyone else at camp. To the other camper’s knowledge, you two were friends, very good friends, to the point of melting Clarisse’s vulnerability down to the very core. Despite the fact if both of your cabins weren’t the strongest allies, or if your cabins were great together, you two would be seen everywhere.

This was just how it was between the secret couple.

Longing stares and touches on the arm, or maybe even wearing each other’s trinkets were hidden reminders of your public affection. However, when you two were alone, Clarisse was absolutely smitten with you, yearning for your touch like it was the end of the goddamn world.

You had been secretly dating Clarisse for one year at camp. By this rate, you were surprised that your relationship had been so well hidden for so long, from everyone, your friends and siblings alike.

Finally, you two had a night to yourselves, Chiron decided that the camp counselors worked way too hard and gave them a week off. No pesky siblings to bother you or tasks to keep them occupied, just alone time, spent in Clarisse’s cabin.

The young campers had attended the weekly bonfire, conversing with their friends and eating sweet treats. Obviously, there was a fire extinguisher nearby, guarded by a young mature camper if a Hepestatus kid decided to become too curious and put everyone else at fire risk.

You had sneaked into her cabin, which was empty at the time, and her siblings scurried off by the monthly bonfire. Sitting down on her bed, checking your surroundings for your girlfriend but sadly came to no avail, and as the bed was empty, neatly made, courtesy of you.

You shrugged and laid down on her bed, assuming that she had gone to the bathroom and would return shortly, completely snuggled and comforted by her sheets. Sleep overcame you quickly once you hit your girlfriend’s bed. After all, the counselor’s bed was the best and softest bed in the cabin, too consumed in your own world by her soft sheets, you didn’t realize that she had returned.

And I tried to buy your pretty heart, but the price too high

Baby you got me like, oh, mm

At first, Clarisse was quiet, observing how you seemed to be unaware of her presence. Her presence at the door hosted a dark figure as she folded her arms and smirked lovingly at you.

Clarisse cleared her throat, hoping to get your attention but you remained still. Your girlfriend frowned slightly at your unbothered state shuffling on her feet and ventures towards your so-called sleeping figure.

Once she came close enough to get a decent view, you were sleeping on your side, lips parted slightly as your nose twitched every few seconds, your breathing regulated.

Slowly, she pressed her knee on the bed, dipping the bed slightly as she peered over to stare at your face. She snuck a braid behind your ear, lightly kissing the tip of your ear.

“Wake up…babe.” Her lips pressed against your temple, moving downward to your cheek, and then jaw, finally stopping at your neck.

Impacted by the gentle kisses placed, you stirred awake, fluttering your eyes open, catching the amazing view of your beautiful girlfriend.

She blinked at you lovingly with a wide smile on her face. “There’s no way you fell asleep that fast.” She softly chuckles, licking her lips, “I was gone for 10 minutes..”

“10 minutes too long…” You pouted, defending yourself.

“That Narcolepsy is a bitch.” She grumbled, rolling her eyes.

You flicked her forehead with your finger, taking great offense at her words.

The Ares girl whined, “What?! I’m not exactly wrong either! There were times you fell asleep during our conversations.”

“Get to the point, La Rue.” You squint your eyes at her, totally unimpressed,

“No point at all, pretty girl. Just wanted to say that.” She innocently smirked at you and stupidly flustered her eyelashes at you.

“It wasn’t even necessary to say,”

“To me, it definitely was.”

“Of course, it was to you,” You rolled your eyes.

“Although, with you sleeping all the time, I might need to be around you every day all the time,”

“And what exactly are you doing now, babe?”

You love when I fall apart (fall apart)

So you can put me together

And throw me against the wall

She gasped, “Being a good girlfriend towards you.” Her eyes shifted downward, unaware if she got ahead of herself, and cleared her throat, “I mean if that’s what you think.”

You slid your finger underneath her chin, tilting her face upward, “It’s not what I think, it’s what I know. You’re an amazing loving supporting girlfriend,”

“Thanks for the compliment, babe,” The curly-haired girl blushed, ducking her head down.

“Yet you’re a sucker for words…” You argued back, resting a hand on her face, squishing her cheeks, slightly cooing at her faux annoyance.

She allows you to do that for a couple more minutes, enjoying herself before she swats your hand away.

“And now I wanna do something that doesn’t involve many words.”

You blush at her suggestion, fully aware of her implication but you want to extend the conversation. With each passing day, it seems like all Clarisse wants to do is make out with you, not that you were complaining, of course, but you just felt like she was pulling away.

You just wanted your girlfriend to value your relationship, everything about it, not just the physical aspect.

“Before we do that…let’s talk about your day.”

Eyebrows raised in your direction, “Talk about my day?”

“Yes,” You awkwardly nodded, “Let’s talk about your day!”

“But why though?”

“Because I’m your girlfriend and I wanna know how your day went so far. Is there something wrong with that?”

“Okay,” She shakes her head, complying with your reasoning, “My day was usual, dealing with annoying perky campers. so it was a shitty day.” Clarisse blinks at you, a small smile appearing, “Well, not until I saw you.”

“Is that all you have to say?” You tilted your head.

“What? I did what you asked.” She questioned, “Do you want me to in-depth explanation,”

“As a matter of fact, yes, I do want an in-depth explanation,”

“Oh, pretty girl, as much I lo— adore you, I won’t do that. It was the same old, same old! I had a shitty boring day, then, bam, I saw you and my day was instantly better.”

Baby, you got me like ahhhhh, woo, ahhhhh

Don’t you stop loving me (loving me)

Don’t quit loving me (loving me)

Just start loving me (loving me)

During your entire year of sneaking around the relationship, Clarisse had never said ‘I love you’. Although you said it to her, embarrassingly enough, the aftermath repeated in the back of your mind like a bad headache, refusing to pass by. You stared at her anxiously, watching her lips form into a thin line, staring at you mindlessly as she got up and left. To be honest, you weren’t too hurt about her reaction, preparing yourself for this in advance.

This was your fault, you let yourself love too fast. You let yourself fall in love with the wrong people.

Surely, you didn’t see her again for the next few days and when she did interact with you again, it was to dismiss the whole encounter.

“You shouldn’t have said that you made things more complicated than they were.”

You looked at her in astonishment, “Shouldn’t have said what?”

The La Rue girl sends you a pointed look, “You know what I meant. I’m not gonna say it.”

Truth be told, that statement did hurt you partially as displayed by your expressions, your eyebrows creased in shock and your heart clenched in sadness.

“Oh fuck, I didn’t mean it like that,”

“Then, what does it mean, Clary?!” You were beginning to lose your patience with such words.

“We’ve just been rushing into this relationship too fast.”

Ohhh, and baby I’m fist fighting with fire

Just to get close to you

Can we burn something, babe?

“Rushing into this relationship?! Do you hear yourself, La Rue?!” You shouted at her, fury rising throughout your entire body. “We’ve been dating for a whole year!”

“Yes, I know that,” She exasperated, wanting to be done with this conversation.

You scoffed, folding your arms, skeptically staring at her, “Do you really know that?!”

“It is a major factor in our relationship, why wouldn’t I know that?”

“Maybe, it would have given you some time to confess our relationship with our friends and family now,”

“But I like it better when we keep our relationship secret, don’t be so fucking difficult,”

“Well, you don’t have to worry about keeping our relationships secret anymore or me being too difficult for you to handle because we’re done.”

“Yeah, pretty girl, I’m not convinced.” She crossed her arms, clearly unimpressed by your attempt to break up.

“I am serious Clary. You’ve been treating me like shit and I’m tired of it. I want someone who can reciprocate my love, and not just use me for make-out sessions,”

“Yet, you’re always so putty in my hands whenever we do. There’s no complaining from you if we’re being logical.”

“Gods, Clarisse, are you listening to me?” You groaned in frustration.

“Kinda not…if we’re being honest. Have I told you how gorgeous you look in this outfit?”

“This is what I mean,” You cried, gesturing towards her nonchalant attitude, “You don’t seem to have an ounce of empathy.”

“Don’t act so surprised, Y/N,” She scoffed, “You knew what you were getting yourself into when you first started dating me. Nothing will change, it’s either you accept it or end it.”

“Fine,” You sniffled, staring coldly at her.

Her tone was calm. “Good, now can we go to your cabin?”

“No,”

“No?”

“I’m not going with you, I’m breaking up with you Clarisse, and I mean it this time. All those times before when I went back to you are over. Handle your shit now, we’re fucking done!” You shouted, turning your back and walking away.

“Wait, what?” Your ex-girlfriend comes to a realization as you start to walk away, not turning back once, “Y/N, come back, we can talk this out!” She screams at you, but you just walk away even further. Some tiny ounce of you hoped Clarisse would chase after you and reassure you, yet she didn’t. The Ares girl stood there, watching you storm off in anger, hoping you’d blow off some steam and just talk to you later.

“Damn, does she look hot when she’s angry or walking away from me.” She whistles to herself, certainly unbothered by your supposed breakup.

And I run for miles just to get a taste

Must be love on the brain

That’s got me feeling this way (feeling this way)

Clarisse isn’t startled by your outburst or sudden urge for a breakup, knowing she’d be the only woman who can give in to your needs, and truly adhere to them. She can only give you the pleasure that you denied yourself, to have you writhing beneath her, desperately begging for her touch. That same insatiable touch that sends fire into your soul from the match and her lips are the fire, enlightening it.

If you were actually serious, 2 breaks up ago, you wouldn’t be in this position now, stupidly lying on your tongue just to provoke a reaction from her. Frustrated when you received the same neutral face you screamed at her, wanting to remove that smug look.

You hated it. You hated that you’d always come back to her. Clarisse was fully aware that she’d always be the one you come crawling back to. With the combination of her commitment issues and her twisted depiction of a healthy relationship, you didn’t know which one was worse.

Oh well, every love story isn’t a fucking fairytale, each one has its own bumps along the way, but yours, had deep potholes at every turn.

Of course, you know exactly what you got yourself into. Clarisse La Rue only cared about her fucking self and nobody else mattered.

Even though she didn’t verbally say it, you knew deep within your heart that she meant it in her love languages, possibly because of your delusion.

It beats me black and blue, but it fucks me so good

And I can’t get enough

Must be love on the brain, yeah

Your argument was two weeks ago, and once again, you proved yourself wrong, eventually ending up back in Clarisse’s arms. Everything seemed to be going fine, ultimately that’s how it always starts. Much to your dismay, it can only go downhill from there.

Clarisse was behind you, hugging you from the waist behind, her hands roaming your body, planting her face into the crevice of your neck.

“Hmmm, I missed you today, mamas.” Clarisse breathes in your scent, gazing at your new neat braids which just got done. Every shared eye contact made you blush, analyzing every movement Clarisse made across your skin. The La Rue girl’s grip still tightened around your waist as she left a lingering kiss on your neck, teasing you.

“Stop doing that…” You whine, your senses intensified by her touch alone, almost too overwhelmed, “You know what happened last time.”

As you remind her, she smirks in memory and ponders, trails down her black polished messy-manicured fingernails to the loophole of your pajama pants.

“Oh, I know what happened last time.”

“Of course, you did.” You retorted.

“Aye,” She pinches your thigh, making you look at her through the mirror. Her eyes were slanted and warning as she stared at you, “Watch that tone, princess, don’t let it be a repeat of that. I won’t hesitate to humble you.”

“You left a big ass hickey on my neck!” You exclaimed to her, pointing to the fading mark on your neck. It’s a wonder how visible it was on your brown complexion. “How is that humbling of me?”

“Because that Apollo boy wouldn’t stop flirting with you.” She chided, “And besides it was fun to create…” A smirk toyed at her lips.

“And was marking me up the only way to solve it?” You ask her incredulously, spinning around to face her.

“Yes,” She nods her head, squeezing your thighs, “As a matter of fact, it got my point across very well. He didn’t bother you anymore, did he?”

“No, he didn’t.” You insisted, “Right after you threatened to kill him if he ever looked in my direction.”

“Exactly, I rest my case.” Sending you a firm head nod, content with her reply.

And it’s keep cursing my name (cursing my name)

No matter what I do, I’m no good without you

And I can’t get enough

Must be love on the brain

You smile down at her, recognizing her behavior towards this, cooing slightly. “Oh, that’s cute, babe.”

“What’s cute? Nothing on me is cute, everything on me is tough.”

Your hands caress her face, and witness how she swoons by your touch, “Not when you’re with me.” By just the simple touch alone, Clarisse was at your mercy, willing to do whatever you demanded.

“Fuck- I…” Clarisse stammers out, her cheeks flushing at your proximity.

“Told you,” You grin victoriously, dropping your hands from her face.

As soon as your hands drop from her face, her expression immediately changes to a shocked, betrayed one.

“Fine,” She sighs heavily with a roll of her eyes, leaning her head back, “Maybe I do happen to be cute,”

You quirk an eyebrow at her, “Maybe you’re right,”

“I’m always right, babe.”

“Y’know you’re a real smartass at times.”

“And you so happen to be in love with this smartass.”

Baby, keep loving me

Just love me, yeah

Just love me

All you need to do is love me, yeah

Got me like ah-ah-ah-ow

“Guilty as charged..” She murmurs, her eyes now hooded with lust, “Now can we do something more productive?”

“Like what?” You spur her on, freezing up when her hand lingers on your inner thigh.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about, pretty girl.” She teases you, biting down on her lower lip. Staring intently at her, you gulped silently but it slowly vanished into a loving smile as she brought you in for a kiss.

Your mouths were trapped in a hypnotic dance as you steadily straddled her lap, not breaking the kiss once and her hands wrapped around your waist. Slowly, her lips traveled to your neck, making her gnaw at the exposed flesh, recreating lovebites, ignoring the sore previous ones.

During the same moment, one of Clarisse’s siblings, Tyler was going into the cabin, seemingly forgetting his Uno cards he left. As he was about to open the door, two figures blinded by the curtains stopped him.

A curtain was slightly open, adjusted for one of Clarisse’s younger brothers to accidentally stumbled upon. Tyler gasped in shock at the sight before him, it was clear, so the two girls in there were unmistakable.

It was you and Clarisse. You and Clarisse were making out in her cabin. Therefore, you and Clarisse must be dating, so that was the latest gossip around camp.

I’m tired of being played like a violin

What do I gotta do to get in your motherfuckin’ heart?

Rumors spread out like wildfire at this camp, so it was only a matter of time before it was redirected back at you.

Ever since the rumors spread, you avoided Clarisse like the black plague. Whenever she coexisted in the same room, you skipped right on out of there, seemingly missing the way her eyes followed you and her face dejecting at the sight, yet she didn’t go after you. She always chose to remain by herself. That was a fatal flaw of hers, her pride was too strong to handle the love she had for you.

It was her idea, after all, wanting your whole relationship to be behind closed doors.

Why did she want to have a private relationship rather than a public one?

It’s not like anyone had a bad comment to say, fully aware of Clarisse’s wrath and methods of defending herself. Besides, she didn’t make the effort to search and speak to you in private.

Did you embarrass her? Maybe it was her pride that restricted her from truly being happy with you?

No, stop worrying about that! Stop assuming that you’re the problem, trying to figure out the solution, rather than admitting Clarisse is the actual problem. Unlike any of your other material problems, you can’t fix her, only she has the power to do that and for the better.

Baby like ahhhhhh, woo, ahhhhhh

Don’t you stop loving me (loving me)

Don’t quit loving me (loving me)

Just start loving me (loving me)

At last, Clarisse managed to ambush you, exactly right where she’d know you always be, doing your favorite hobby. Isolated in your cabin, keeping to yourself, listening to music whilst reading your favorite book.

In your cabin too, how unoriginal for sure.

She knocked on your door, her heart racing with anticipation as she heard your footsteps coming closer to the door. Opening the door, you kept a small smile on your face, instantly dropping when you realized who the knocker was.

“What the fuck are you doing here Clarisse?” You scowled, settling your headphones around your neck, now unbothered to pause your blasting music. In your other hand, you kept your finger crammed into the book page where you were so rudely interrupted by her.

Still, you decided to hear her out for the most part, giving her the benefit of the doubt.

“I want to talk to you,”

“Well, I don’t.”

Nobody said it was going to be easy for her. Only the strongest will survive.

Ohhh, and babe I’m fist fighting with fire

Just to get close to you

Can we burn something, babe?

“Fuck Y/N!” She tiredly shouts, barging inside the cabin, “Why are you avoiding me?”

You scoffed at her exclamation, slamming the door shut behind her. “I don’t know, Clary, why did you keep our relationship a secret from everyone else?”

Her face softens, noticing that struck a cord in you, “You know why, babe.”

“Don’t call me babe,” You sharply state, no sense of humor in your tone. It was all monotonously spoken, “Just don’t right now, call me Y/N.”

“Okay...” She nodded, listening to your kind and slightly hostile request. You sauntered around your cabin, turning off your headphones and placing your bookmark inside the book, resting the two items on your bedside table.

You released a soft exhale, closing your eyes, and allowing your true feelings to reveal themselves.

“I want to rant about how I truly feel about this relationship and you’re gonna listen,”

“I thought you wanted our relationship to stay a secret.”

“I only did that because you wanted it! Are you truly that fucking blind, risse?! Because you live for the excitement, right, the whole thrill of being caught. Stop bullshitting me, Clarisse. I get it, it was fun before but now….” You trail off, eyes glued to the floor, “It just makes me feel that you’re completely embarrassed of me.”

“I’m not,” She steps closer, her words stammering, watching you distance yourself away. “I could never be embarrassed of you,” The Ares girl releases a shaky breath at your sudden movement, worrying if she’s on the absolute verge of losing you. For real this time.

“You have done a good job thus far by not reassuring me then!”

“Is that…what you think this was? Is that what you truly think of me? What do you truly think of our relationship? That I’m so incapable of love that I’d stop talking with you on the whole and ignore your existence?!”

“It’s exactly what you’re doing now!” you cried, “I hate this, risse. We hook up, we fight, leading up to a breakup and then we get back together again. This repetitive cycle might not hurt your stone-cold heart but it does to mine.”

“This relationship…or situationship affects me too, I might not show it like you do, but it does!”

And I run for miles just to get a taste

Must be love on the brain

That’s got me feeling this way (feeling this way)

“Then why didn’t you check up on me after our relationship got exposed?”

At that she stayed silent, further proving your point focusing her gaze on the ground. You hummed, tears prickling your eyes as you plastered on a fake smile.

“I don’t know why I thought we could work, I should have seen this coming.” You sniffle, roughly wiping away the incoming tears. “You don’t care about my feelings, do you? It’s all about Clarisse and her glory, and nothing else fucking matters!”

“You know that’s not true!”

“Then what is true then?” You shrug, glaring at her, ��It’s either about your stupid glory or reputation, there is and will never be any space for me. Because every time we get back together, you always promise me a better and different version of yourself. I’m standing here like a fool, believing you, believing those stupid fucking lies.” You sobbed, holding your stomach in devastation, sinking in the weight of your own words. “I’m sick and tired, completely exhausted of it. Clarisse you have physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted me, and I hate it…but with every ounce of my being, I still love you. I still fucking love you because I’m one of the only people who can get you to open up, to help you handle how much shit you take from your dad. My mind knew that if I left you, my heart would be unable to deal with it, and soon I’ll be running back to you, like a stupid lovesick fool,”

“Y/N–“

It beats me black and blue, but it fucks me so good

And I can’t get enough

Must be love on the brain, yeah

“Let me fucking finish!” You threatened, agitated by her inability to follow your simple request. Clarisse had never seen you this angry, this verbally expressive, that it scared her to the core, it was obvious in her facial expressions as you continued to rant. You lowered your loud tone, muttering an apology to yourself, and remained on your calm side.

“You knew exactly how to lure me back in…with those shitty-ass lame excuses. I don’t know how much more of this toxicity I can take. With how all these last few days have been, I don’t fucking care anymore, not how you feel, not how our relationship is.”

“Well, you’re not so perfect either!”

“Oh my god, are you truly that blinded by your ignorance that you can’t admit that you’re wrong.” You blinked through your blurry vision, “I forgot who I’m talking to,” You clicked your tongue, “A daughter of Ares, who would rather die than admit her own wrongdoings.”

“Don’t talk about my father!” She shouts, enraged.

“Your father?!” You laugh incredulously, “Of all the things you’re worried about, your father is the main priority right now?! After all he did to you and you still defend him! Congratulations, Clarisse, you have officially lost me, hope you have a good life without me!” you concluded, walking off in an enraged state.

“We’re not done!” Was all she could retaliate, every sensible word left her mind at that moment. You could tell she was losing this argument, and she was fuming, barely grasping the fact of her toxicity.

“Yes we’re done, Clarisse.” You argue back, turning on your heel and glaring at her. Storming back to her, you got up in her personal space, eyes piercing into hers, “I’m so fucking tired of this, I’m tired of our relationship. I’m tired of being the only one of us fighting for this relationship! It would have been nice to see if you put in the effort, to reassure me that I’m not the only one here struggling. I’m exhausted from fighting all the time!”

“Why are you implying these things?”

“Well, are these ‘things’ true or not?”

“Do you think they are true?!”

“I think- I know you have commitment issues, and I think you need to fix them.” Her face softens at that revelation, now aware of how observant you’ve been.

“Let me prove to you that I’m serious about our relationship.” Her tone is lighter, more understanding, and less hostile.

“How would you do that?”

“Just let me love you the way you deserve to be loved.”

“Clarisse,” You squint your eyes, squeezing her hand, “You can’t love me the way I deserve to be loved.”

She began to stammer out excuses, blabbering like an idiot, “Why? What’s wrong with me? We worked it out numerous times, why can’t we do it again.”

You interrupted her, “We have to work on ourselves before we can truly love each other. If we don’t work on ourselves, our relationship will just self-destruct and I don’t want that happening again.”

“I don’t want that happening either.” She murmurs, agreeing with the statement. Her words were magnetic, urging you back into her grasp, to keep you in her embrace forever and ever.

“No more bullshitting, I swear.” She pecks your lips, wiping away the tears from your face. “From now, we’ll work on each other and ourselves. We need to do this if we want our relationship to prevail,”

“And I’m sorry too…”

“What are you sorry for?”

“For avoiding you and putting the blame on you.”

Once again, her eyes were screaming the words: I love you, but her mouth was clamored shut. Your girlfriend noticed you needed her to actually announce the three infamous words, probably soothing your anxiety.

And it’s keep cursing my name (cursing my name)

No matter what I do, I’m no good without you

And I can’t get enough

“I….” she uneasily stares at you, clutching onto your hands tightly, as if she’s scared that you let go and leave her.

“You don’t have to say it if you’re not ready, it’s fine, I get it,” You reassured her, rubbing her hand gently with a soft smile, “I’m used to it by now.”

“No,” She shakes her head, disagreeing with your statement, “It’s not fine and you know it. I’ve been a shitty girlfriend from the start and you just allow it because you love me. I don’t want you to endure that heavy burden because of my own pain that I projected onto you. Let me do this for you. Let me say this for you. Let me declare and devote my love to you. For once, let me reassure you that we’re going to be fine. After all, you deserve it, deserve to be loved in every possible way. If you’re still willing to have me as someone in your life, I will humbly accept it,”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Your voice held a joking tone, but the voice crack betrayed your true feelings.

“Oh, I would never break a promise!”

“Wow, last year Clarisse wouldn’t even confess these words...” You had to break the silence, the atmosphere still felt tense.

She chuckles, “Yeah, well, last year, Clarisse took who she had for granted and was a total asshole towards the girl who didn’t even deserve it.”

“You got that right,”

“I love you, Y/N,” She breathes out, watching the relief run across your face and her anxiety disperses as she continues, “I don’t know why it took me so long to say that. All year, I realized it before but never had the strength to actually declare it myself. I love you so much.”

“Thanks.”

She hits your shoulder, obviously not expecting that reply, “Y/N, be serious!”

Your giggles die down as you hold her hands, squeezing them as your own sense of intimate comfort. “I love you too, Clary.”

“I love you too, Y/N, with my whole heart.”

Your smile dropped as you roughly grabbed Clarisse’s face, applying pressure on her cheeks, “But if you ever do this to me again, I won’t hesitate to leave your ass, and for real this time. Got it.” Your demeanor was venomous, making Clarisse doubt if you were the same sweet girlfriend she had mere minutes ago.

“Got it.” She blabbered out, hoping you’d release your tight grip on her face soon.

“Great!” You grinned, letting go of her face. Just like that, your easygoing smile appeared again as the curly-haired girl massaged her cheeks.

Maybe this time, Clarisse will change for the better, and unfortunately, if she doesn’t, then it’s definitely her loss.

Must be love on the brain

*y/n & clarisse after trauma dumping on each other*: 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💋

————

*y/n breathes*

clarisse, already stupidly in love with y/n but refuses to acknowledge it because love is too hard to handle 🙄: you’re a bitch, a very hot bitch and i wanna make-out with you.

y/n: ???

clarisse: don’t ask no questions, pretty girl!

y/n: wtf is going on??!!

clarisse: don’t know and don’t care but it involves us making out, so that’s worthwhile! 😁

————

*y/n dealing with the toxicity of her and clarisse’s relationship, finally thinking she’s gonna break up with her*

clarisse, already aware of y/n’s plan: wanna go makeout??

y/n: ofc, why tf not??!!

likes, comments, and reblogs are highly appreciated!

© asvterias, 2024. please do not copy, repost, or translate any of my works onto any other platforms without my permission.

[wilbursprincess]

Had this lil idea pop into my head

Basically Sirenbur falling in love with reader after they spend a week camping near a river, hanging out by the water to relax and such

maybe a bit of angst cuz reader has to leave pretty quick after the camping trip is over

- 🐧✨

Sirenbur and Camping Reader

Sirenbur x Gender Neutral Reader

Warnings: Bits of angst, few sexual references 😁

Hi lovely 🐧✨ anon! Would you believe I’ve never been camping? As a part time American, it shocks a lot of my American friends that I’ve never willingly slept outside. I’ll pass! I like plumbing, air conditioning, and the lack of spiders in my sleeping bag. When I was in London a week or so ago, I slept on an inflatable camping bed that deflated in the middle of the night. That’s as far as I’m willing to go.

Headcannons below cut!

~Wilbur would be minding his own business, doing whatever sirens do.

~If he’s lounging on the riverbank in human form, he’s probably jerking off, knowing him.

~But then you show up.

~He’d spy between the reeds lining the riverbank, watching this beautiful person setting up a campsite.

~Wilbur strolled over, trying to seem casual in human form with a guitar slung around his back.

~He’d found the best way to sing his song to people was pretending to be a lonely busker.

~His human form was handsome and charming, and within a few strums, you were under his spell.

~”Mmm, maybe I can stay a little longer,” you murmured, letting him sing his sweet song to you as you slip back under.

~Wilbur doesn’t often get attached to the people he enchants, but you were different. So different.

~You even seemed to like him when the song wore off!

~This never happened to him.

~Then, one day… he got cocky. He liked your affection without his song more.

~He let you fall asleep without singing you to sleep.

~In the morning, you’d gone.

~Wilbur didn’t come up from the riverbed for a few days, curled in the murky mud and mourning what could’ve been.

~He didn’t even bother to try and get over you by enchanting someone else.

~What was the point? They’d never be you.

[sylvermidnight]

So I’ve been to see FNAF twice now and I have some ideas regarding certain scenes and speculations so I’m gonna put those forward. Last chance to look away:

FNAF spoilers below

So the springlock scene. I’ve seen quite a few people talking about how it doesn’t make sense William was able to move around and physically fight hand to hand combat style in the suit. Which I think is a genuine question especially when the cupcake of all things is what ended up triggering it. But here’s some thoughts that occurred to me as I was watching it for a second time.

William has killed in this suit before. It is likely if not absolutely true that the original five murders occurred while he was wearing it as well as any previous or subsequent murders. This is just based on his pathology as a killer, the timing, and the condition of the suit itself. While in better condition than some of the scrapped ones it is pretty beaten up and missing an ear. So he’s definitely had time to get used to how to move in it safely. It also seems to me that the suit was kept off site and probably wherever William has been living meaning it’s likely been maintained which leads to my second point.

This is William Afton’s personal suit. That he wore on the regular. Probably in a springlock suit more often than anyone else ever was. That means he would definitely want it to be safer and better maintained than any of the others that were either rushed or unfinished. It’s a source of pride for him and clearly something he’s got a psychological attachment to he’s going to maintain those locks. It can probably sustain a lot more movement than suits that have been left to rot for decades or newly introduced suits that were pushed out for a launch.

Okay okay last point- I don’t think it was actually the cupcake that made the springlocks fail. If you pay attention throughout the scene there’s a couple points where Afton repeatedly takes a bit of a hit in the same area. Most notably when Vanessa shoots him in the chest (which if you watch his face he seems not only surprised but more concerned than anything, perhaps considering the possibility of a failure), and when the animatronics are coming towards him and he bangs his fist against his chest in anger. I could be entirely wrong but I really believe between the time of his entrance and the time the cupcake takes a big chunk out of him the springlocks were getting weaker and weaker and that was the final straw.

[justajsworkshop]

You have no idea how much your answer helped me. Truly, thank you so much. I was so so stressed. I really want to manifest my dream life but it seemed so far fetched and I was not making any kind of progress, despite being here for years now. It felt like I was just consuming info. I just realized that I’ve come across Be Something Wonderful several times but I never checked it out because the thumbnail and title felt kinda gimmicky and law of attraction-ey. But I will watch the videos you’ve suggested.

I used to struggle with ‘feeling it REAL’. I see every states based blog talk about making it feel real and it made me question if I was doing it right. Another thing was the emphasis on invoking the feeling of being calm and knowing that comes once you’ve shifted your state and made the state your dwelling place. I felt like I was forcing fulfillment. I agree that ed art definitely interprets Neville really well but I struggled to apply the info. And even Neville, towards the end talked more about faith and focusing on who you are. So it confused me when everyone made so many rules about what to feel.

Thank you for hearing me out. I was so confused and was response has helped a lot<3

ah, i'm so glad to hear that helped!

yeah, neville even says that when he talks about feeling, he's not speaking of emotion but of the acceptance that your desire is yours, but even that can feel unclear at times that acceptance has to "feel" a certain way in terms of sensations in the body and mind. and i have 100000% been there where i've been obsessed with what's happening "inside me" and seeing it as something that needs fixing because i struggled to believe, have faith, accept, etc. and that just turned into a downward spiral of me judging myself as unfulfilled.

then i once heard tom talk about the difference between confidence and conviction, and i realized i was always chasing the emotional high of "feeling good re: my desire." but when you focus on being convicted that you are your desired self, that knowing is immovable. and sure, you can have doubts, limited thoughts, and blegh feelings that move through, but you know that these are always changing, so you don't have to get attached to them. i used to remind myself a lot, not every feeling needs a narrative. not every sensation i'm having needs a whole story wrapped around it and lord alive, especially not one of nonfulfillment!

tom's video today talks about the difference between being a prophet, someone who can speak the law but feels separate from it, versus being the messiah, someone who is one with the law. and it made me think of your first ask, tbh. his content focuses on the law above all laws, even above the law of assumption, and that's the law of being: who and what are you conscious of being?

the good news is that you, the son of god who is one with all possibilities and all moments in the divine mind, can choose who you are, and it will instantly be so. remember, there's only one divine moment that our awareness is seeing from infinite vantage points. memories are just imaginal acts, and imaginal acts are just memories of the allness that you already are. so, there's no horizontal linear past of "failure" and nonfulfillment that you have to attach yourself to. there's no 4 years of struggle unless you continue to call it forth and place it here as part of your experience here and now.

you can decide and declare in this very instant that you've always been perfect at executing the law because you are the law. you've always been fulfilled and living your dream life because you are already all lives and all possibilities. an affirmation i've been loving recently is "i am that i am, who is living their dream life." because i am! i am the i am who is living the life of their dreams! because i am all dreams.

feelings are irrelevant to your fulfillment because your fulfillment just is—it's all that is. there are no conditions that must be fulfilled. no great subconscious that needs to be impressed. no higher power that must be appeased. you are eternal, absolute, and total fulfillment because your I AM awareness guaranteed that. that's the real power of robotic affirming. it's not about being mindless or affirming in vain; it's about choosing to be who you desire to be regardless of the emotional activity happening within the physical body and mind.

you got this! you always have. you've always been fulfilled. you just have to remember yourself as you desire to be. :) no go enjoy your dream life!

[eeblouissant]

hii !! @witchybitchybisexual tagged me a while back to answer some tgg questions, and I’ve finally gotten around to it haha! Thank you soso much I had lots of fun with this :D (under the cut so I don’t clog anyones tl)

1. How did you find out about the show?

I was raised on it! My mother always (and I mean always. I’m very grateful she kept all her DVDs in such good condition so that I can rewatch!) had it on in the background when I was little, my great grandma too I believe. (I’m also convinced Bea Arthur was my gay awakening, i used to sit and stare for hoursss lol)

2. One storyline you'd eliminate?

Listen … there are so many but. I feel like you all already know what I’m about to say - firstly, the bit where Dorothy almost marries Stan again. I’d get rid of many of the Stan storylines (and get him much further away from Dorothy, honestly it’s a little upsetting to see him near her at all but maybe I’m just overly sensitive when it comes to the things Dorothy’s been through because of him? He shouldn’t have been a reoccurring character imo.) but that one especially. I can understand the need for it, because it dives into a part of Dorothy’s character that I find very interesting and that I love expanding on, but god it just hurt my heart way too much. He makes me very upset and I’m just a viewer - so I can’t imagine what it would be like for someone to actually have to put up with him. I really think I’m just overly sensitive because of the subject matter but oh well 😅. Anyway - that and, I’d change how the show ended. And not in the way you think !!!! I think it was crucial that Dorothy got her fairytale ending, she deserved it more than anyone (sorry rose, blanche, sophia) after the way she’s always treated, even if it’s not really meant, she deserved to hold that over their heads. I wouldn’t change a thing about that. But I would change that exit scene, where she isn’t able to respond to roses’ “is this goodbye?” It is goodbye. It shouldn’t have been goodbye - I hated that they ended it that way so badly. And the affect is seen later in the golden palace (they don’t even patch things up really!!!!!! It was so horribly done imo!!!! Maybe I’m just bitter I’m not sure 😭)

3. Best guest star/character?

The two times Sophia’s sister appears are my favourites, so I’ll have to go with her 😂

Also - I’m forgetting his name at the moment, but the trans man that made an appearance in that one episode. The way he was never misgendered or deadnamed!! that episode has a very special place in my heart!!! (Jean as well, that episode is also a huge comfort. But I don’t think I need to say that - it’s kind of implied)

4. Character you most relate to?

Dorothy and Rose equally 🚶🏻‍♀️ but is this really a shock at this point lol

5. Favourite character?

Rose !!!!!! You may think otherwise but she will forever be my favourite. She’s just too relatable, I see a lot of myself (unmasked) in her and it brings me a lot of comfort. Shes actually helped me start to be okay with the idea of unmasking a little more outside of the house. I love her soooo so much.

6. Favourite story of a cast member?

This one kind of involves all of them? So I hope it counts, but learning that the crew were the photos in the ‘men of blanches boudoir’ episode 😂 hilarious!! I can’t remember if the girls were expecting it, I hope it all came as a surprise because their reactions seemed genuine!

7. Which was the episode that got you hooked?

I can’t really answer this one because I’ve always loved the show, simply because I grew up on it 😅 my mum & I have a very similar dynamic to Sophia and Dorothy, so I actually think that’s what kept me hooked; the emotions and memories attached! And then of course growing up and picking up on how queer coded those three are, good lord.

8. You could wear one girl's wardrobe for the rest of your life, who would you pick?

Sophia and Rose, no hesitation. Dorothy is too tall and flowy for me (I’m 5’2, no way I’m pulling her wardrobe off lol), Blanche is too, well, Blanche 😭 although I do adore her wardrobe, it’s just definitely not for me (I will however be stealing her robes & housecoats immediately)

9. How many kids do you think they all actually had?

Okay, I know Dorothy for sure only had two. That’s talked about lots. Blanche had four? Because she’s only ever talked about having four, possibly adopting? And Rose, I’m actually unsure, does she ever say it outright 😅? I’d guess three or four. I know we see one or two of her kids but otherwise I’m unsure.

10. Do you think the actresses would've gotten along with their characters if they met in real life?

Why/Why not?

Sophia and Estelle would be two peas in a pod and I stand by that. They both just have this way about them that makes me think it wouldn’t turn out any other way haha

hhhhmmmm … I think that Dorothy and Bea would be able to relate on a different level for sure. Cheating husbands, very specific insecurities (until Bea was a little older that is. Her confidence was contagious!) fashion choices, similar opinions on how comfortable shoes actually are lol - but I feel like Dorothy is a little too much of a romantic. That might have thrown them off. Bea was also a very shy person, and Dorothy is a little more bold. That would have gone one of two ways I think! Either Dorothy ends up being her scary guard dog or they clash for all the wrong reasons 😂

Rose and Betty? I don’t have much to say other than, again, it would have gone one of two ways and been very black and white 😂 either they’re hitting it off, or never speaking again.

Rue mentions once that shes all Blanche with the exception of not being from Atlanta Georgia, and friends of hers have mentioned that she had a hard time shaking Blanche off after the show ended - so, I’d say they’re practically twins 😅 they’d question if they were related!

11. What are your other comfort shows?

The crown! (special interest, you know how it goes), I don’t watch much, because I always fear getting too absorbed in media and developing another fixation 😭 it’s also just hard when I’ve got such intense interests going on. I can’t delve into new media because it’s almost overwhelming? Idk can’t explain that one. Anyway, talk to me about the crown and I’ll marry you on the spot (/j)

12. Headcanons? (Feel free to list as many as you'd like)

Oh BOY. Oh here we go. You’ve all seen many of my headcanons by now so this might get repetitive, but I’ll list some anyway:

First off, because oh my god I think about it daily, Blanche has a natural tan!! Partly because she lays out in the sun so often but I also see her just being born with it. Something about it suits her so well! She gets a tiny bit paler in the winter but in the summer she’s almost unrecognizable (Thank you Blanche for adding some colour to the group lmao, those ladies are white !!!!)

I headcanon strongly that Rose is autistic. Or at the very least neurodivergent somehow (definitely autistic, but you get my point) - as an autistic person she reminds me a lot of myself when I’m unmasked and it’s actually really lovely unintentional representation! I feel so seen by her!

Honestly, a lot of what I would want to headcanon about Dorothy is already canon (her chronic illness, depression, hearing aid etc) but one thing I do headcanon her dealing with that isn’t explicitly stated is dissociation. It would come naturally with that one really awful thing that I won’t name that happened to her - and having to them live with Stanley for 38 years after the fact? I believe dissociation became less of a concern to her and more of a very, very dear friend. Anyway, I’ve rambled on that a million times so I’ll spare you all 😅

I also headcanon that Dorothy is an extremely repressed lesbian, be it her religion or, again, the very awful thing that shall not be named, etc - there’s something about the way she treads so carefully around the topic of lesbianism that just … yeah. We know Dorothy. It’s okay. I headcanon blanche being bisexual, since it’s kind of hinted at once or twice? Or like? Straight up implied? Cut to all the times she just happened to ask Dorothy to “help her out” or pick between her and rose lmao. I can see rose being pan or bi as well, but I think I headcanon her being unlabelled honestly! She just wants to love and be loved, if she loves someone, she loves them!

Honestly, I don’t have many headcanons for Sophia - she’s perfect as she is 😂 10/10 no notes!

13. What would you change (if anything) about the show/ characters if it was set in the modern day?

Again, how it ended, and in this case because of the insane amount of queer coding and subtext - need I say more? I can’t see this show being set in modern times, I honestly think it would ruin the vibe 😅

14. Which other Fictional Characters would you like each one of the golden girls to meet?

oh lord okay, I’ve saved this one for last because I’m actually not sure? I don’t think I can answer this one but I’ll edit and add if anything comes to mind later 😅

15. Who were your favourite duo?

Rose and Dorothy!!!! Although it’s very hard to separate the four, rose and Dorothy always had the most precious scenes.

16. Who should've got more 1:1 screen time with each other?

Rose and Dorothy 😭😭 pleassseeeee oh my god

16. Calmest season?

Two I think!

17. Most chaotic season?

Seven or three - season seven felt rushed, so it felt chaotic in a way I hated, but season three was so filled with lore and things that it felt chaotic for all the right reasons!

18. Favorite Season?

Three and four!

19. If the girls hadn't had their established careers, what other ones could you picture them doing?

Well firstly I’d give Dorothy her antique shop dream, obviously. I cant not see Blanche doing something with the arts… if she really put her mind to it I think she would make an incredible artist. & rose … hhhmmm. Maybe a preschool or kindergarten teacher! (Sophia is exempt here, let the woman rest lol she’s much to old to be working)

20. Best aspects of the show in your opinion?

All the different kinds of representation! How much it leaned into topics that were otherwise considered kind of swept under the rug. There’s been a billion posts made explaining this already though so I’m sure I don’t need to talk anyone’s ear off about it 😅

21. This question is for my fellow cheesecake lovers) favourite cheesecake flavour?

Ohhhh strawberry has to be my favourite.

22. Storyline you wished they had expanded upon?

Okay this is going to sound silly so bare with me, but that time Sophia got a job (dressed up in that pirate costume) - they never expanded on it, in fact she kind of disappeared for the rest of the episode!!!! I have to know what on earth was going on there 😭!!!

23. Questions you'd ask the actresses?

Honestly, if they actually got along. Because there have been rumours and things. (and then, you know. The Thing Rue Said that Bea had said about Betty because of the way she was picking on Estelle. And also Betty admitting that Bea was never too fond of her. I just have to know!) id also ask Bea Arthur specifically what she thought of the possible queer subtext around Dorothy’s character - I have a feeling she’d be fond of it actually 😂

24. Episode that brings you the most comfort?

Any episode that isn’t from the end of season 7 😭 I don’t think I can pick just one

25. Episode that made you laugh the hardest?

The episode where Dorothy sleeps with (or well, attempts to. We all know how that went) stans brother. I could write an essay on that one but oh my GOD I was laughing so hard at the parts that weren’t ripping my heart out!!!

26. Which other work that the actresses did you enjoy the most?

You’re asking me to pick only one of Bea Arthur’s other works???? I’d have to say Maude I think, basic answer I know - but oh my god I love her 😭 I’ll have to say Maude for Rue as well. The Beatrice Arthur special is Very close behind her though. & Betty - hhhmmm. Probably Password (if it counts?)

27. Best St Olaf Story?

The Great herring war hands down - I CANNOT with that scene 😂😂 when rue started to giggle I knew exactly what was about to go down - BEA lost composure, and I’d imagine that’s a hard thing to get her to do!!!!

28. Best slut story?

does this count I’m not sure … but I’m very very fond of that little moment where rose and dorothy are recalling different men Blanche has told them stories about to ask if they’re true (after she admitted that she tends to over exaggerate sometimes) like oh my god. They actually remember all the nonsense Blanche tells them 😂 I can’t !!!!

29. Best Sicily story?

The Pablo Picasso story !!!! Oh my god I think about it daily !!!!!!

30. Which girl would you be most interested in seeing a prequel of? And at which point in their life?

Young Dorothy !!!!!! OH MY GOD !!! She should have had her own show I’m so serious!!!!! The fact that she didn’t get a spin-off is a crime - I don’t know how that never happened. I’m so fascinated by her and how she survived back then. I need all the details big and small or I might (will, I will) die

[defineamni]

Back in Time

It has been awhile since my last post which I believe, before everything happened. This is going to be a lengthy and solemn entry but I’ll try to make it relevant with the attached photos.

February 2022 was the beginning of this story. My mom definitely was not in her best condition for a few weeks and at some point she was eventually admitted to a district hospital. Given that I was away from home and there was restriction to travel outside of the campus, I unable to visit her. We had lots of phone and video calls. Until ramadan came which was in late march, I had to move to another campus in Teluk Intan for 2 weeks. It was conventional and compulsory for O&G posting and thus I went there. The 2nd week ends with the news of my mom been diagnosed with cancer. Everyone breaks down. I bawled like crazy. I never felt something so heavy in my chest. Should I say that, I indeed knew that her condition was bad but I was denial.

I came home the day after. Traveled for not less than 7 hours on the road, I finally met her. She was asleep in her room. Her hands were so warm, probably the warmest I’ve ever touched. She wasn’t herself. She was thin and fragile. She lost her appetite, unable to swallow food. But she still smile occasionally when we talk over some trivia things. The late night before she passed away, she saw me watching the tv and asked ‘kakak tak tidur lagi?’ and that was the last time I ever heard that question from her. The day she gone worked like any normal day except that towards the evening, everything seems so dark and stormy especially in my heart.

Weeks after weeks, months after months passed. I felt so empty and lonely. I never feeI like I needed my mom so much until those days come. It reached to a point I had panic attack that night. I cried almost every day and night but at that time, it was too much. The next morning I had another attack at the clinic. I couldn’t stop crying, I was gasping for air and unable to breathe properly. The nurses tried to comfort me but tears kept flowing for a few minutes. I was referred to an occupational therapist and had a few appointments with her. It was very helpful although it took a few months for me to stand by my ownself.

During those difficult days, I only had my housemates. None of my family members know about this. I never wanted to tell them because I knew each of us struggled in our own way. My housemates tried to comfort me but I rejected them most of the time, and when they didn’t, I resented them. Looking back now, what they did actually was to give me time, plus they didn’t know what to do anyway. My academic performance declined and my mental health worsen right after the incident but as time passes, alhamdulillah here I am.

We finally passed MBBS on last january and it almost a year since my mom left. Currently we are waiting for housemanship. Anxious but hopefully we will be guided through the harsh journey.

[crystallinearts]

ALSO-

Since you said we can talk to you about anything, I'm gonna talk about your interpretations of two characters in specific.

Scaramouche would be the first! I remember reading the descriptions of both reverse comfort videos, and honestly, I like your analyses! And of course, your top-notch voice. Not a lot of people talk of the trauma that he has, and I found that to be a pity because you can do a lot with that!

And then there is Subject 2 as the second. A lot of people interpret him as Yandere and don't get me wrong, they're not bad, they can do whatever they want. But I like more your interpretation (correct me if I'm wrong) that he is just a little dude which just appreciates a lot the person that gave him a bit of affection without holding it above him, like Gold probably would do, and that he just wants someone to appreciate him as he is.

In conclusion, I like my characters being a sad, wet dog (joking... or maybe? 🤨)

That is about it, remember to have a good day! :>

- 🧉 anon

YESSSS OMG please talk to me!! I may take forever to respond sometimes (thank u what I believe is either undiagnosed ADHD or just my brain being an easily distracted squirrel brain) but I love talking about this stuff~

Godddd this makes me so happy! so like, for as much as I absolutely adore Genshin and watch tons of lore videos and read about all of it… I’ve actually never played it firsthand, because my computer doesn’t have the storage space for it… I tried to install it and was told I didn’t have enough space, so, the dream died XD

that means I can sometimes be a little insecure in my portrayals of characters and sometimes I get a little depresso espresso over it. but knowing that people like my interpretations of them just makes me grin! even though I have yet to actually play this game (I’ll get there at some point hhhh!!) I am extremely passionate about a lot of the characters and I want to create good content of them!

more people should delve into Scara’s trauma… like, not only is it good reverse comfort material, he needs to talk about it!! recovery only starts when he begins to open up and share it with people, and develop bonds with others that allow him to open up in the first place. a romantic partner is a good place to start opening up! it’s ok fandango man you will get to a better place eventually, just let people help you- XD

AND AS FOR DORIAN!! aka Subject Two, Susbedo, Rubedo, whatever you wanna call him… oof. I have so many feelings about him, I am looking both respectfully and disrespectfully, and he’s so exactly the type of character I love. I’ve seen the yandere take on him quite a bit, and yeah, like you say, don’t get me wrong, I can absolutely see why people would take him in that direction! but personally, he doesn’t seem like a full-on yandere to me… and this is coming from someone who’s been known to fall for yanderes! (Cole from Blush Blush, I’m looking at your Cyno-VA-sharing smooth voiced ass)

Dorian is just this broken, pathetic, jealous little mess of a man who desperately wants what Albedo has… and sees no other way to get it other than to take his place. he doesn’t think he deserves good things, because Rhinedottir/Gold told him he was a failure and left him for dead for seemingly just existing (like, there doesn’t seem to be anything ‘wrong’ with him, you know? so it’s like, what the FUCK was even her reason there?)… but he really wants those good things. he doesn’t want to take the good things from Albedo, but he doesn’t know how else to go about getting them for himself. he wants to be loved and accepted without someone attaching conditions to it or expecting him to be something or someone else.

and, of course, that said… once he starts living with Albedo and they come to actually be brothers, you would not BELIEVE how quickly he warms up to that sibling affection and how fiercely he would protect his little family. he goes from wanting to kill Albedo to replace him, to being 10000% ready to destroy any threat that tries to kill Albedo.

… anyway I could literally talk about Dorian in particular FOREVER. if I ever get the opportunity to write a thesis on a fictional character it will be HIM!! I have so much to say about him.

YOU’RE TOTALLY VALID THO!!! OKAY?? I like my characters pitiful, complicated, and physically weak/sickly/etc. so I have ample opportunity to take care of them =)

I know this took me a hot minute to answer but!! you too!!! <3

[valokryze]

excerpt: dread it, run from it

a snippet, for the purpose of the mk zine application :)

1998 words

Din can feel the heat radiating off the surface of the planet as he steps off the ship, burning through his boots. This is why he hadn’t noticed the cold earlier, he realizes. Mandalore was a furnace, and he’d chalked up the subsequent cold to space travel. He wanted to bury himself in the dust gathering on his boots, fling his body to the dirt and absorb the heat into his bones.

Boba slaps him on the shoulder, pulling him out of his little fantasy. Din leans into the touch.

“What a shithole.”

They descend, following the markers Din left the first time he was here, but this time, Din doesn’t see anything out of the corner of his visor. There are no screams. No smell of smoke curling against his nose. The only touch he feels is Boba’s arm brushing against his every so often, burning a line down his side each time.

They pass the point where Din had felt the phantom touch last time. He tries to be discrete in the way he inspects the integrity of the wooden beams, but Boba notices. “It’s not gonna collapse.”

“You didn’t seem so sure of that when you were telling me not to come back,” Din says, reaching out to tap at a beam since he’s been caught out. A small trickle of dirt falls to the ground at his gentle touch, “and I’m not entirely sure I believe you.”

Boba grunts and keeps walking, leaving Din to follow. “You don’t have to believe me,” he calls back.

Din’s body betrays him as he follows Boba closer and closer to the cavern. He’s wracked with chills, shivering so violently that he has to lean against the walls until some of it passes. With Boba pulled ahead, there’s nothing keeping him from seeing phantoms in the tunnels. The touches are back, the voices whispering and echoing down the corridor while his own whimpers of pain are muffled, wool pressed against his ears.

Distantly, he wonders if he should’ve left the darksaber on the ship. Skywalker had very little to say about it when he visited the second time. He had actually wanted nothing to do with the thing the second he touched it. His ungloved hand flinched away as soon as his fingertips brushed against the hilt.

(“This is a very old weapon,” he says, rubbing his thumb against the fingers that made contact with the saber. “It holds a lot of violent history to it.”

“Like what?” Din asks. Bo-Katan had only given him the crash-course version of events surrounding the weapon – created by a Mandalorian Jedi to unite Mandalore, whoever holds it is king, yada yada. Normally Din was a good listener, but the way she described the history of their people nearly put him to sleep, already exhausted because of his concussion from the darktroopers. She hadn’t gotten to each significant event surrounding the thing, and Din assumes that’s wherein the problem lies. “I know people have died by this blade.”

“Well, yes. Mandalore has a notoriously bloody past. I didn’t touch it long enough to get an impression of the exact details.” When Din holds it out again, Luke nearly flinches. “No, thank you. The crystal at the core of this weapon… its attunement to the Force is unlike anything I’ve ever felt. There’s no telling what is attached to that blade, physically or spiritually.”

Din runs his gloved fingers over the hilt absentmindedly while listening to Luke, keeping Grogu just in sight as he chases something around the front of the temple. For it’s age, the saber is in surprisingly good condition. He distinctly remembers Bo-Katan saying something about it being held in a Jedi Temple for a time, maybe that had something to do with both the lack of weathering and the slightly haunted nature of the thing. “Like ghosts?”

“I suppose. From what I can tell, the Jedi didn’t deal with Force ghosts until recently. It’s possible that outside the Oder, others figured out how to stay present after death.” Luke continues to retreat from the conversation, glancing around to find something else to worry about. “I would offer to get a second opinion, but Ahsoka is out in Wild Space for the unforeseeable future and, well, my ghosts are temperamental at best. They won’t be much help regarding your problem.”

Din sighs and reattaches the hilt to the clip he’d recently sewn into his belt. “Thanks anyways.”

“You’re welcome, Mandalorian.” Luke turns fully, then, looking for Grogu in the tall grasses at the edge of the clearing. “Grogu!”

“Bah!” Big ears poke out from the foliage, followed shortly by the rest of the kid. He triumphantly holds up a frog.

Skywalker cracks a smile at that, sunshine creeping across his face and chasing off the lingering shadows from their conversation. “Time to go, buddy.”

“You don’t want to get on with his training?” Din cocks his head to the side, leaning down to scoop his ad into his arms.

“It’s not pressing,” Skywalker says after looking at Din and Grogu with a fond expression. “Take him for a while longer. He missed you.”

“Yeah, I missed him, too.”)

“-in. Din!” Boba raps his vambrace against Din’s helmet, the ring of pure beskar tearing him back to the present. “Get up!”

Din forces his hand to uncurl around the darksaber, somehow unclipped. He never should’ve brought the thing. Boba grabs the hilt anyways, attaching it to his own belt, and pulls Din to his feet. “We’re almost there.”

Forcing himself to take deep breaths, Din can only nod. This time, when Boba starts down the corridor again, he doesn’t let go.

He trembles with every step he takes.

When they enter the cavern, Boba turns off the light from his helmet, but the waters continue to glow, whispering in the place that should’ve been plunged into darkness. He drops Dins hand and removes his helmet to get a better look. “Your footprints are still here.”

“Well, it’s only been a week.” His voice is low, barely filtering through his helmet and further muffled by the room. Din can see no other tracks besides his and Boba’s. He flexes his fingers and takes a few stilted breaths before reaching up and disengaging the seal on his helmet. He doesn’t look towards Boba, who is most definitely watching him, instead placing the beskar in the sand. He unclips the darksaber and leans it against the helmet, pulling his gloves off next and tossing them down.

“How do you want to do this?” Boba asks, watching Din remove his armor, piece after piece. “I can go back into the corridor, if you want?”

Din pauses, vambrace half off his forearm. He looks up at Boba, glances down just as quick, and places the vambrace next to his shin guards. “Yes.”

“Just tell me when.”

He stacks his armor reverently, folds his flight suit. A Mandalorians armor is their life, he thinks. The Armorer wouldn’t have wanted him to put it on in the first place. Distantly, Din wonders why he did it before he left Tatooine, if he was just going to take it right back off. He pats the suit, intending to stand, but his finger hits something hard. He frowns and reaches toward the pocket before remembering-

Right. The ball.

His throat tightens, and he stands quickly, dusting sand from where it’s stuck to his thermals. Din turns around to face Boba, who has approached the line between sand and water. He’s kneeled down inches from where the water is lapping up, one hand bare, skimming over the surface just shy of getting his hand wet. Din watches him for a moment. With his helmet off, Boba looks… vulnerable, hunching over himself. His eyes are glued to the surface, almost looking beyond the water to the sand and rock below. He would get stuck here, Din thinks, if given the chance, lost in whatever memories the glowing waters were dredging up.

Boba never displayed anything like this while he held court on Tatooine. Din almost looks away to give him a bit more privacy, but Boba must sense his eyes on him, and pulls away. “You want me to leave?”

No, Din wants to say. Stay. “Yeah.”

Boba gets to his feet, turning to face Din. His eyes roam over Din’s face, drinking in every detail. “Yell if you drown.”

Din nearly cracks a smile. Boba brushes past him without another word, but before he moves too far, he brings a hand up to ghost over Din’s cheek. The motion steals his breath with it.

Boba puts his helmet on right before he gets to the tunnel. He glances behind him before entering the darkness once more, taking pause when he sees Din still looking at him. They stand there, unmoving, unwilling to turn away first. Din’s eyes sting.

Dust, probably. He blinks, breaking away first to wipe furiously at his face. He didn’t notice he was crying. He looks back up where Boba had stood but finds the space empty.

Alone. Again.

He sniffs, blinks again. Whatever. He wanted Boba to leave. He’d asked him to do so, and Boba had left without question. That’s a good thing. It’s good.

The solitude is a good thing.

Din’s fingers rapidly lose feeling as he pulls his shirt off, tossing his blacks next to his armor and flight suit. The cold creeps into his limbs, bared to the cavern, and once again, the waters are his only witness.

His first step into the underground lake is just as shocking as he remembers. He hisses a breath that steams in front of his mouth and takes another step. He’s shin-deep, knee-deep, wading in waist-high water until he’s a good distance from the sand, farther out than he went last time.

There’s no feeling in his legs.

The water sloshes around him, sounding less like a liquid and more like the wool blankets that Fennec gave him rubbing together. Despite the ripples, he can see his reflection when he looks down, brown eyes and curly hair, laid flat from his helmet. A tear drops into the pool.

Why is he still crying?

Din looks up to the ceiling, light rippling across the rock. He takes a deep breath, two, three, holding the fourth one and closing his eyes. He drops under the surface.

The second he’s submerged, he’s launched into a vision. No clear images, only flashes of what looks like blasterfire, a green laser sword – a lightsaber, he corrects himself. Silver armor. Green armor. Blue and gray paint, and a flash of red hair. Black helmet. Black cloak. The darksaber, humming incessantly in his hand. Vibrating bone-deep. His lungs are burning. The darksaber, silver armor. Armor. The child, the child. The darksaber. The saber, the armor, the child.

Din breaks the surface, gasping and coughing. He still can’t feel his legs.

He stumbles to the surface, breathing heavily. Sand sticks to his feet – why didn’t he bring a towel? Stupid, he thinks, made that mistake last time. His thermals stick to his skin as he puts them on, soaking up all the mystical lake water like it was meant to, the dry fabric returning some sense to his extremities.

He reattaches his armor and thinks about the vision.

The darksaber. The armor. The child.

Of course he’s heard about the Resol’nare, the six actions. Bo-Katan told him all about it. Not that Kryze is a trustworthy source, exactly, but she’s never, not once, given him reason to mistrust her allegiance to Mandalore. So Din trusts her with this: armor, tribe, leader.

Din had walked out of the cave last time shivering, alone, without having seen anything. He’d stumbled back to his fighter, fighting phantom touches and ghostly voices. This time, he clips the darksaber to his belt, engages the seal on his helmet, and meets Boba Fett to climb out of the mines. Together.

(dread it, run from it on ao3)

[randosyscourseblog848]

I've seen a couple of people saying that the term "sysmed" is getting close to comparing being trans to a disorder. I, the trans host living in a transitioning body, have been using that term privately since way before it caught on publicly, expressly BECAUSE of the parallels between them and transmeds. Here's my reasoning:

The transmedicalist point of view is that being transgender is synonymous with having gender dysphoria, and that this dysphoria is a mental disorder that requires transitioning as its treatment. That is the only reason transmeds believe someone can transition or identify as trans. This gender dysphoria has multiple theories on why it develops- some believe it is a variation of brain structure that causes the brain to form as a different gender than the body, some believe that it's due to exposure to different hormones in-utero, but all of these theories point to a solely *external* cause for trans identity.

The main problem with this (and its insistence that it is “medical”) is that they ignore the DSM criterion that this dysphoria must, by definition, cause distress or dysfunction in the person's life. The few who do acknowledge it will say that the mere existence of a desire to switch genders counts as distress- which is inherently not true. Those who therefore, fit the criterion of “desire to transition” but who rightfully do not call themselves dysphoric due to them not meeting the other criteria, are NOT trans and should not transition or call themselves transgender.

Most of them also use this equivocation to exclude nonbinary people, using the "brain studies" scans to imply that a person's gender could be "proved" with a brain scan, and that nonbinary people don't fit into this, therefore they cannot be real. They also use this to discount non-dysphoric trans people, accusing them of harming "real trans" people and stealing resources, because people insisting they have a medical condition without the medical condition is making the community look like fools. Being trans IS gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria IS a medical condition. Therefore, being trans IS a medical condition, and anyone who claims not to have dysphoria or be too GNC or be nonbinary or have a xenogender is fake and harmful to transgender people.

The sysmedicalist viewpoint is that being a system is synonymous with having DID/OSDD, and that DID/OSDD is a mental disorder that requires treatment via therapy and coming to terms with trauma. That is the only reason sysmeds believe someone can be plural or call themselves a system. DID/OSDD has multiple theories as to how it develops- some suggest that it’s a failure to integrate from childhood self-states due to trauma (Structural Dissociation), some believe it is a result of unreliable expectations by environments or authority figures causing different self-states to emerge (Disorganized Attachment), but all of these point to a solely *external* cause for plurality.

The main problem with this (and its insistence that it is “medical”) is that they ignore the DSM criterion that this disorder must, by definition, cause distress or dysfunction in the person’s life. The few who do acknowledge it will say that the mere existence of this criteria means that anyone who experiences plurality will fall under this disorder. Those who therefore, fit the criterion of “experiences multiple distinct personality states with their own perceptions, memories, thoughts, and identity” but who rightfully do not call themselves disordered because they do not meet the other criteria, are NOT plural and should not call themselves systems.

They use these theories about DID/OSDD to discount endogenic systems, despite the fact that most endogenics are non-disordered systems and therefore do not typically have reason to be studied medically. Medical studies prioritize mental *disorders* in order to figure out how to best treat them. And since non-disordered systems do not need medical treatment for a very specific condition that they *do not have….* But no. They accuse endogenic and non-disordered systems of harming “real systems” and stealing resources. Plurality IS DID/OSDD. Plurality IS a medical condition. Claiming to have plurality without a disorder is making the community look like fools, and we are fake and harmful to systems.

The problem is, both systems and trans people have nothing to prove. It is an INTERNAL experience, nearly all experiences of both are self-reported and cannot be objectively, directly observed. Medical science looks for explanations for people who need help and treatment, because those are the people it needs to focus on. We don’t *need* explanations for trans people who aren’t dysphoric, we don’t *need* explanations for endogenic and non-disordered systems, and our experiences should be believed because there is no possible fucking way we can look into their brains and say “ah, yes, I diagnose you with cis/singlet”.

Plurality is a COMPONENT of DID/OSDD. Being transgender is a COMPONENT of gender dysphoria. There are people who believe the disorder causes those components, and those people are entirely valid in their assessments FOR THEMSELVES, because we do not dictate your experiences. But an equally valid view of both is that those COMPONENTS, “being multiple people in one body” and “being a different gender than they were assigned at birth”, can be stable identities, and the parts that make it a disorder are the parts that are distressing- amnesia and trauma components for DID/OSDD, distress regarding body parts or socially presenting as an incorrect gender for dysphoria. These can be treated. The core components do not have to be, and they can exist outside of the distressing disorder.

We are not comparing transness to a mental disorder. We are comparing transness to plurality. It is not our fault that you are conflating plurality with disorder.

[chrisevansdaughter]

Life works for us and against us

Summary: Reader gets adopted by Chris and has a sensory overload whilst out getting decorations in a Mall at the weekend when its major busy.

———————————————————-

Pairing: Chris Evans x Adopted!Daughter

Warnings: Mentions of panic attacks, medication *Citalopram that is mentioned is primarily used in the US to treat GAD*, mentions of medical conditions, doctors visits, sensory issues / overload and just PURE Chris FLUFF with him being a dad.

————————————————————

Y/N’ POV

Life wasn’t the best for me from the start, bouncing around in foster homes and in the care system wasn’t where you’d want to grow up.

Being in the system taught me how to fend for myself and hide how I really felt, since I’d always have issues with anxiety and problems with different situations that would overwhelm me in a sensory way.. That with what I’ve learn now are nervous tics aren’t things people want to add on to their shoulders with a foster kid.

But there was one person who didn’t mind the ‘extra’ care my now diagnosed problems came with.

That person being Chris.

**time skip 4 weeks later**

CHRIS’ POV

It’s been 4 weeks since I’d adopted y/n and it’s been amazing, it’s taken awhile for her to warm up to me and my family that is now our family and I couldn’t be happier. During the month she’s been my daughter we went to the doctors on her social worker’s advice to get her tested for sensory and anxiety disorder since there was traits and red flags in their words that link to both of those.

I’d notice little things but I didn’t really think much into it since it’s a new space and she needs time acclimate to the new surroundings. With that y/n was diagnosed with

Generalised Anxiety Disorder

Attachment Disorder

Sensory Processing Disorder

Believe me it’s a lot but it made us understand that there was underlying causes which weren’t a surprise. So I thought it was a good idea to dedicate a room in the house for her as a calm room with comforts that would come in use whenever she’d need it.

One of those times being today.

Y/N’ POV

So I’ve been with Dad for a month now and he’s been nothing short of amazing everything I’ve ever wanted in a dad never mind a family, today was a particularly weird day because we had errands to run so going out really did set off the sensory issues and my anxiety because of the crowds coupled with the general overbearing noise since it was the weekend.

It’s bad because it was almost like a sixth sense since I knew it was gonna be a bad day. It started off going to the mall to get some different bits for the room that we were decorating which was my calm room and just to have a fun day out, since we were still bonding as the new Evans father daughter duo; we were out for about three hours when it really started to get bad..

It started with the little ‘tics’ I have like whistling, clicking and squeezing anything I have in my hand (usually it’s dads hand because comfort and human touch)when I got to the point I was either on the verge of a panic attack or sensory based overload.

Since the way it was currently going Dad decided it was time to finish up and start making our way home as the nervous tics I have were a pretty good indicator to how I was feeling in the certain situation.

CHRIS’ POV

Y/n and I were currently out having a father daughter day to grab some decorations for her sensory room it was later in the day but still busy, it was a tad bit uncomfortable for me personally but for bubba it was 5x worse and more overwhelming, it was visible in her face it was difficult for her.

30 minutes pass Chris and Y/n had just finished in a store getting some weighted blankets,bean bags and pillows for the room; Chris starts to notice y/n stimming or ticking as she called it which meant one of two things was coming. To avoid that situation in public eye view, Chris made the decision it was time to go home.

After getting in the car to make our way back home it got progressively worse, to the point I had to pull over to coach y/n though a panic attack as it was just too overwhelming for her coupled with now being able to pin point where this was all stemming from, it pulled on my heart strings as her new dad I loved her so much as if she was my own to see her going though this but I taught her in the short time I’ve been her dad to embrace this and not see it as problem.

“Are you okay bubs? We’re almost home just another minute.” I asked quietly knowing she’d need the reassurance that she was safe and in a calm environment

“I- no” she mumbled unsure of how she sounded not trusting her voice.

“We’re home now sweetheart so we can go straight upstairs with Dodger to the calm room, okay.” I mentioned Dodger knowing that Y/n took a very quick liking to him with the great comfort he gives her too since this wasn’t the first time this happened since her being my daughter.

**time skip 1 hour later**

Y/N’ POV

After calming down a considerable amount in my room that dad was right about it benefiting me massively, I felt less overwhelmed but still to a point i was whistling and laying with Dodger on the floor stroking his fur; dad was just sitting with me after draping a weighted blanket over me to ground me more than what he hugs could do normally a hug would do it but not this time unfortunately.

“Okay bubba I’m going to get a drink and some of your Citalopram, do you need anything else?” He asked just to be sure that these nothing else I needed.

“No dad I’m okay, love you.” I mumbled still on the floor pressed against Dodger’ body.

“Love you too sweetheart.” He replied giving me a kiss on her forehead before leaving the room.

After meds were had and more cuddles ensued y/n was finally content with a Disney movie on in the background and back to her ‘normal’ self whatever normal looked like for the father daughter duo..

—————————

Fin

A/N I hope you enjoyed my first organic fic that was created for tumblr, it did take about 6 hours including procrastinating to write but it was a joy to write.. Lastly any constructive feedback is welcome and reposting is welcome*please DO NOT under any circumstances share this as your own or on any other platform unless shared by myself*

[guaxinimraccoon]

jesus christ why-

oh mY DEAR GOD-

FIRST OF ALL I'm SO sorry for taking so damn long to answer those, I've been really really busy and I'm very sorry, I'm doing my best to answer everybody ; o ;

BUT FINALLY let's talk about our big last Euphoria reveal (about four months ago but ok-), where I showed you guys that Alex is Brad's father and Elisa is Toby's mom.

"BUT GUAX WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??? HOW?? WHEN??? WHERE??"

SHUSH , CALM YOUR TITS DOWN and let me explain:

Ok, so I'll be putting some links here and there because yes, Alex and Elisa's story is very, VERY connected to Brad and Toby's. 

And get ready for a veeeeeeeeeeeeery long post. You were warned.

As you all already know, Alex and Elisa had a troublesome meeting, but eventually got closer to each other, they fell in love yadda yadda yadda BUT their will to get closer to each other, in other words, their relationship brought HUGE consequences.

Yes, they did manage to build a healthy relationship, they were happy, they were fine.

But they were also adults, adults that wanted something serious and concrete, they couldn't spend the rest of their lives as forbbiden lovers.

So Elisa did something literally illegal. She did a potion that was forbidden by the Colony authorities - a shrunken potion - to get closer to Alex.

Those potions were never developed, they're rustic and really antique, so they could do more harm than good or not work at all.

But Alex didn't care, he took the risk and drank the potion to get closer to his girl, the woman that was the love of his life.

The effect of the potion is temporary, so Alex would drink them from time to time whenever he had the opportunity to visit the Colony, spend some time with Elisa and, of course, be a part of her life.

He wasn't just trying to "be like her", he was also trying to be a part of her home. He made friends with her friends, he met her family, he met new imps, new fairies, all of it under his "imp disguise". He even fought for the Colony at it's war times (that is lasting till the current story time). He EVEN presented himself with a more “impish name” - Turk - to make sure people wouldn’t suspect anything.

Of course, people eventually started to ask why didn’t he live in the Colony with Elisa, why did he only showed up from time to time. Alex and Elisa lied, obviously, they told everyone that Alex belonged to a secluded imp tribe that lived walking around the forest as nomads, which made sense since those types of imp communities do exist.

ANYWAY THE POINT IS Alex grew affectioned of those people and with their lifestyle. He started to feel like he was one of them. 

And, of course, he was now closer than he ever was to Elisa.

Since they were different species, they never worried about having kids. I’ve never said this before but Alex is a doctor, he knows about this stuff, so he always made sure to reassure Elisa that "they were their own condon" and, as sad as it may sound, they couldn't have kids.

... Or so Alex thought.

You know how tigers and lions can have offspring together? Yeah, it's the same thing.

It's very hard to happen, but they spent YEARS together if you know what I mean so yeah

That's how Alex and Elisa gave birth to their first child: Tobias, the only one of a specie that is a mix between human and imp.

His parents were really worried at first, afterall, they new NOTHING about Toby's condition. They didn't know if he was going to grow as large as a human or if he'd assume imp proportions forever. After some research with his son's blood, Alex found out that Toby was indeed half human and half imp, but he was predominantly physically an imp. That means his biological features are, mostly, imp like: he'd hardly grow as large as a human through his life's course and could live as a normal imp in the Colony. The fact that he showed talent for magic (once he was old enough to do so) and was able to do it just like any other imp in the Colony also made things easier.

Elisa and Alex chose to raise Toby in the Colony, they believed it’d be healthier and safer for him (especially after some events that I’ll be talking about in other posts), although it hurt Alex to pretend that he was an imp to his son and that he couldn’t see him everyday. 

Even if they couldn’t see each other everyday, Alex and Toby were very close. Toby loved his daddy very much and was very attached to him.

After five years after Toby was born, Elisa got pregnant again and gave birth to their second child: Bernardo (that’d eventually be nicknamed as “Brad”), one of the two only beings of the specie Alex and Elisa accidently created together.

For preucation, Alex took a bit of Brad’s blood and made some research, just like he did to Toby.

And what he found out wasn’t exactly... relieving.

Brad, just like Toby, was half human and half imp, but he had expressed mostly human features in his physical body. He was as small as a baby imp now, but it was a matter of time until he started to grow very VERY large.

Unlike Toby, Brad couldn’t live as an imp in the Colony and things got very complicated for them.

Alex wanted to leave. He told Elisa the Colony’s community would NEVER accept their youngest, they would never accept Alex and probably wouldn’t accept Toby either. They had to leave that place before they couldn’t hide the truth anymore, even if it cost revealing Toby, a five year old child, that most of his life was a lie.

But Elisa was hesitant. She didn’t want to leave her home, her parents, her friends. She knew Alex was right, they couldn’t stand that play for too long, but how to leave everything she had built behind? How to leave everything she knew as home behind? It wasn’t that easy.

Until something very bad happened.

Remember I said Alex made a few friends in the Colony? So, one of them was Stefan, a experienced fairy soldier that had known Elisa for as long as she was alive. He was pretty much her best friend (even if he was old enough to be her father) and now he was also great friends with Alex.

Stefan is important here. He has a very tragic backstory involving humans. He lost pretty much everything to them: his whole family and his wings, something that meant more than just flying to him.

So, as expected, he hates humans and truly believes that they are nothing more than monsters that try to manipulate you and to get advantage from imp’s and fairy’s magic. 

After some years, he started to get very suspicious over Alex. Some things weren’t making any sense anymore and that “nomad imp community” was starting to sound way more like an excuse than the actual truth. He simply didn’t understand what was stopping him to live with Elisa and his sons for once.

So he did some investigation. One day, he followed Alex (that he knew as Turk) out of the Colony, in one of the days he had only come to visit his family. Alex had said earlier that he had to “go back to his own society”. Yeah, right. Stefan was hiding the whole time and followed Alex till a good distane from the Colony’s limits. 

And he didn’t get exaclty happy to see his best friend growing impossibly huge out of nowhere.

Stefan now knew the truth: Alex was pretending to be an imp using shrinking potions. He didn’t belong to any nomad imp group, he was a human that lived in his own house and was coming to the Colony to play family with them.

Of course, he didn’t only felt betrayed, but pissed as fuck. Stefan didn’t waste any time: as soon as Alex came back to the Colony he confronted him. Alex tried to explain himself, but they only argued and ended up having a pretty bad fight.

In anger, Stefan didn’t want to hear no more explanations, so he told some of the Colony’s high authorities about Alex’s lies and that they had to do something about it. 

The Colony’s Council decided to call Elisa and solve things between imps and fairies only. But they showed her no mercy.

They basically gave her two options: or she’d prove her loyalty to the Colony and would kill her husband and her human son, or the Colony would sentence all of them to death penalty, including Toby and Brad, children that they claimed should have never been born. 

Elisa was in shatters. She didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t kill the man she loved and her baby child, she just couldn’t. She was about to accept the second option, rathering die with her family than killing them, but Stefan decided to help her out.

He wasn’t expecting the Council to be so cruel and he started to regret his decisions the moment he saw how Elisa was worried about her family and how much she loved them, even if they were human. He hated Alex and Brad, but seeing Elisa in excruciating pain over them was impossible for him, so he made up a plan with her to save everybody.

It cost Elisa to trust Stefan, he had told their secrets to the worst people possible, but she had no option aside from accepting his help and following his plan.

The plan was simple: Elisa would tell the Council she’d kill Alex and Brad and would tell Alex that she had changed her mind and that they should leave the Colony as soon as possible now that Stefan knew the truth.

Alex believed her and, after Stefan’s confirmation, so the Council did. The next step was to take Alex and Brad to the Colony’s limits, pretending they were about to leave. 

Then it happened.

Elisa made, with Stefan’s help, a huge barrier on the Colony’s frontier that didn’t allowed humans to cross it. It was basically a security method that they never thought it’d be necessary.

But now it was and it wasn’t meant to protect the ones inside the Colony...

Of course, Alex didn’t understand SHIT.

He spent MONTHS returning to the Colony in his shrinking form, trying to find a way to cross the barrier and to get Toby back. 

Or to talk to Elisa.

Or to understand.

Or anything.

He just wanted his family.

Eventually, his potions ended and he was left to raise Brad on his own and to never see his wife and oldest son again.

Since then, he hates Elisa. Or at least thinks he does. He’s just deeply mad at her, he doesn’t understand why she left them. 

He did everything for her. Denyed his own race, submitted himself to the dangerous effects of a extremely nocive potion which he faces the consequences till this day, did his fucking best to be the best father and husband his family could have-

All this love, all this effort, all this sweat and blood

Wasted.

It took years for him to fully recover. Aside from the health problems the abusive use of the shrinking potions brought, he also became alcohoolic. Because he wasn’t mentally estable enough, neither to take care of himself and of his very very small son, he went to live in his parents house. His family knew about Elisa and the children they had together, his folks actually liked her a lot so it saddened them as well that she simply abandoned Alex and Brad and that they would never see Toby again.

His family didn’t had to worry about Brad’s very little size for too long though, before he was one year old he had already reached his human size.

Anyway, Alex’s family gave him a huge help until he was healthy enough to take care of Brad, the only one left from the family he built.

Back to Elisa, she didn’t told Alex her plan because she KNEW he wouldn’t want to do it. She simply knew Alex would be too stubborn. He’d have wanted to try to escape or to face the Council. Both alternatives would get them all killed.

Toby didn’t understand why his mother did what she did. He was forced to go back home with her, screaming the whole time, saying that they left his father and brother behind while Elisa was crying endelessly.

Stefan came to them eventually and calmed Toby down. His heart broke when he saw Elisa. She was... not okay.

Unfortunately, he didn’t have time to assist her. He immediatly went to a representent of the Council and took them to Elisa and to the Colony’s frontier to prove that she had done it and did even more than she was suppose to. Of course, not without consequences to her sanity, she had just killed her husband and baby, of course she was in pain.

Nevertheless, the Council confirmed Elisa had done her part and left to leave her alone with the child they let live.

After that, Toby spent weeks returning to that spot of the frontier to look for his dad and brother. No sucess.

As time went by, he eventually forgot about Brad, he was very young when they tore apart and Elisa and Stefan never talked about him nor Alex. All he can remember is that there was a baby in the middle of that mess, but he can’t relate to it.

He kept the memories of his father though, who was closer to him, and till this day he believes he’s alive somewhere and that he can be found. But he has no idea he’s a human and has no idea of his own true nature.

Elisa and Alex miss their respective sons deeply and think about them everyday. They also miss each other very much and the first months after the incident were terribly agonizing for the both of them.

They kept going for the child that had remained for the both of them and raised them apart from each other. Alex never told Brad what happened and so Elisa did to Toby. Like that, none of the brothers knew about the existence of each other.

Until the day Toby was sent, coincidentally, to his “little” brother’s house

And none of them has no idea of this fucking long backstory I just spent four months writing :)

enjoy

[americancowgirl19]

Artic Hoarfrost

Summary: Bill sends a letter to his brother Charlie about a rare dragon that turns out to be more than just a creature.

Warnings: Fluff, angst

Reader: Gender Neutral Reader

Pairings: Charlie Weasley x Gender Neutral Reader

Word Count: 2,083

A/n: It didn’t turn out as romantic as I would have liked. It’s more of a platonic story but it’s still good! I hope, lol... and yes I created the Artic Hoarfrost, I think it’s a cool name.

Masterlist

Charlie was only studying in Romania for half a year when his older brother, Bill, sent him a letter. It had been a long time since Charlie had heard from him. The two brothers had been close growing up but now they were both out of Hogwarts pursuing different careers.

He opened the letter curiously but also excited. He missed his family but knew the distance would become easier with time. 

The letter started out simple. There were some casual questions and small talk before Bill got to the reason why he sent the letter. 

Around the same time Charlie was able to get a job in Romania Bill found a job as a curse beaker in Egypt. While at work Bill stumbled upon something that he thought Charlie should know.

In one of the crypts in Egypt there’s a dragon. It isn’t uncommon for Goblins to have dragons in their work areas. Charlie knew there is one in the Gringotts bank and it didn’t surprise him that there’s on in Egypt.

What does surprise him is the description Bill gives him. This isn’t a normal dragon but an Artic Hoarfrost. Charlie had thought the breed went extinct back before the first world war. To hear that there’s one captive in Egypt instantly intrigued him.

It was hard to convince his superiors to let him go to Egypt by himself. The sanctuary had just welcomed a new dragon. All hands were on deck to help the dragon integrate in the new habitat.

It wouldn’t be until another month later that Charlie was able to get some time to go to Egypt. As good as it was to see Bill again all Charlie could think about was the Hoarfrost. He had seen rough sketches of one before but to be able to see one in person would be amazing.

If Bill was right and the dragon truly is a Hoarfrost then Charlie knew he would have to convince the sanctuary to liberate the dragon from the Goblins. A Hoarfrost would slowly wither in the hot environment. 

“Why are they keeping the dragon here?” Charlie asks, following his brother through the desert to find the beast.

“Because it breathes ice and it’s hot,” Bill explains simply. Charlie sends him a look.

“They’re enslaving a dragon to keep themselves cool?” Charlie asks, not bothering to hide his anger.

“Which is why I sent the letter,” Bill says, sending him a glance. Charlie presses his lips together and nods.

“Oh, wow,” Charlie whispers, when they reach the dragon. 

The dragon is large but malnourished. After getting over the initial shock and beauty of the creature, Charlie notices injuries from the chains and the abuse the Goblins have no doubt forced it to endure.

“So, is it what you thought it was?” Bill wonders. The both of them watch as the wizard guards force the dragon to breathe it’s ice into different tunnels. These tunnels go to various work sites and buildings. While Bill enjoyed the cool air the dragon produced he would rather suffer the heat and have the dragon free.

“Looks like it,” Charlie mutters, clenching his fists when the dragon roars painfully. The wizards tasked with forcing the dragon to work used cruel spells that pierced right through it’s hide. “I want to get a closer look,” Charlie says, making a move to go closer but Bill holds him back.

“Not right now,” He says. “Those guard won’t let you close. We’ll have to wait for night fall,”

Grumbling, Charlie leaves with his brother counting down the hours until he can return. Bill did his best to distract his brother but Charlie was far too determined to go back.

He paced in Bill’s flat. His mind is reeling, all his thoughts centering around the dragon. He recalled all he knew about Hoarfrost’s, which wasn’t that much. A few things did strike out as peculiar. The dragon seemed to be half the size it should have been, which could be because of the conditions it is living in but Bill says the dragon has only been there for a few years. Such little time shouldn’t have stunted it’s growth.

Another thing that struck out to Charlie were the curses the wizards used. Those curses, while harmful, shouldn’t have penetrated the dragon’s armored hide as easily as it did.

Charlie couldn’t wait to return to the beast. He wanted a closer look. Hopefully he’d find some answers to the growing number of questions circling his head.

When Bill deemed it late enough, Charlie all but ran to the dragon. Bill struggled to keep up and was out of breath when they arrived. While Bill too deep breaths, Charlie approached the dragon.

The great beast was asleep. It’s curled around itself using their wings to cover as much of their body as possible. It’s an attempt to keep the coolness it’s body radiates to itself. While the room is cool it’s not nearly cold enough to healthily habituate the dragon.

“Charlie, be careful,” Bill warns. Charlie ignores him and continues closer to the beast. He freezes when it shifts. His heart hammers in his chest when the head emerges from under the wing. “Charlie,” Bill says, wanting his brother to come back but Charlie stays still.

A moment later it’s eyes open. A beautiful y/e/c stares right at him. Charlie waits trepidatiously for the dragon to react, to attack him, but it stays still. It’s eyes just stare and observe Charlie.

Charlie releases a shaky breath. He knew he wasn’t completely safe but he felt more comfortable. The dragon seemed calm but that could change. Charlie knew he should be cautious but he was simply too curious.

He takes a step closer but ends up stumbling backwards when the dragon’s entire body shifts. Their wings fold exposing more of the body. The tail comes around almost curving around Charlie and it’s head lifts to better assess him.

“Charlie!” Bill hisses. The dragon turns it’s attention toward Bill but remains unthreatening. Despite it’s calm composure Bill still takes large steps back.

“Will you calm down?” Charlie hisses back. “I know what I’m doing,”

“You’ve been around dragons for six months and now you’re an expert?” Bill snaps, keeping his eye on the beast.

“More so than you,” Charlie sasses.

“What exactly are you going to do?” Bill asks. “You got your closer look. Now let’s go,”

Bill had a point. Charlie got his closer look but he didn’t want to leave. This dragon was far too interesting to leave so soon.

Charlie ignores his brother and moves closer to the dragon. Bill releases a frustrated sigh. He was half tempted to go yank his brother away if he wasn’t so intimidated by the large dragon. He’s seen the beast encase more than one Goblin in ice before. He didn’t want that to be his fate but didn’t want it to be Charlie’s either.

The longer Charlie spent around the dragon the more unusual the beast seemed to be. It’s true that Charlie’s only spent roughly six months with real live dragons but he’s learned a great deal about their behavior in that time.

He remembers reading about Artic Hoarfrost’s at Hogwarts. It was well documented that their breed is territorial, aggressive and prefer their isolation. How did Goblins manage to capture and keep a dragon that’s well known for their aggression and untamableness?

Every moment spent with this dragon only raises more questions.

“Bill, what’s this collar around their neck?” Charlie asks, risking a few steps closer.

“I don’t know, probably something to keep the dragon in place,” Bill says, keeping his distance. Charlie didn’t believe that answer. Nothing is attached to the collar, it’s simply there around it’s neck.

Charlie turns his head and looks back into the dragon’s eye. There was something almost human to them.

Something human.

“Bloody hell,” Charlie whispers, his eyes widening. His heart drops to his stomach as a new theory races through his mind. “Bill, I don’t think this is a dragon,”

“What are you talking about, Charlie? That’s obviously a bloody dragon,” Bill snaps. Charlie shakes his head. “Charlie,” Bill scolds as his brother extends a hand toward the dragon.

“I’m telling you, Bill. This isn’t a dragon,” Charlie smiles sadly, as the dragon presses their snout against his head. “It’s an animagus,”

“What?” Bill asks. “You’re telling me that that’s a human?” Charlie nods his head, beckoning his brother forward.

“It’s far too small to be a hatched dragon. The hide is weaker and their eyes are human,” Charlie explains.

“How did they manage to do this?” Bill asks.

“I’m not sure,” Charlie mutters, his eyes going back to the collar. “But I think that’s how they’re keeping them,” Bill cautiously moves forward. He inspects the object.

“It’s definitely cursed,” Bill mutters.

“Can you break it?” Charlie asks.

“It’s going to take time,” Bill warns him. Charlie clenches his jaw but nods knowing there was no way around it. 

“Don’t worry, we’ll get you out,” Charlie promises the dragon. It huffs and curls back into itself again.

“Charlie, they’ve been a dragon for at least five years,” Bill tells him. “I’ve seen how they treat them. The transition back to human life isn’t going to be easy,”

“I know,” Charlie mutters, following him back to his flat. “Let’s just worry about getting them free first,”

“The ministry’s going to want to hear about this,” Bill mentions.

“They’ll be too worried about punishing those involved. They won’t be worried about their best interest. Let’s help the them and then go to the Ministry,” Bill nods in agreement.

Every night for nearly a month, Bill and Charlie go to break the curse on the collar. Well, Bill goes to break the curse while Charlie keeps the dragon company.

“Don’t worry, Bill will be done before you know it,” Charlie whispers, gently massaging some sensitive spots on on their head. He smiles when he hears a purr like sounds. Even Bill smiles, a bit happy to see that they’re enjoying themselves.

Charlie continues to talk softly and continues his massaging. Halfway through the night is when the collar falls to the floor. All three of them tense before Bill steps back.

The dragon slowly stands up. The sound of the chains clinking together gain Bill and Charlie’s attention. Together, the brothers use their wands to break the chains which further frees the animagus. 

Charlie and Bill both smile as the dragon stretches and tries to shake the soreness from their muscles. They both take a step back as it releases a mighty roar.

“We have to get them out of here,” Bill says. Before Charlie could agree, the guards come rushing in. The dragon glares at them and growls. They’re forced to take cover as the beast breathes a stream of ice crystals in their direction.

“We have to leave!” Charlie shouts. The dragon ignores him and continues to extract revenge. “Please! We have to go! The Ministry will deal with them, I promise! But you deserve to be free,”

The dragon turns to him. Charlie looks at them pleadingly. The dragon huffs and lowers their neck.

“I am not getting on,” Bill says. Charlie grins widely.

“Come on! Live a little!” Charlie runs toward it. Bill groans and follows his brother. Charlie holds on tightly with extreme excitement while Bill is extremely uneasy.

The dragon flies them out of the crypt. Bills screams in terror while Charlie hollers. They fly far away before the dragon drops back to the ground. Bill falls off and groans on the ground.

Charlie slides off gracefully and comes around to their face. The dragon bumps its snout against his chest causing Charlie to chuckle.

“You’re free now,” Charlie tells it. “You can do whatever you want,” The dragon looks genuinely confused breaking Charlie’s heart.

Before Charlie could say anything else, the dragon steps back. Charlie watches the beast begin to shrink before taking a human form. He looks at you for the first time.

You’re wearing a ratty shirt and torn shorts. Your legs support you for a few seconds before you collapse on the grass. Charlie rushes to you.

“Are you alright?” He asks quickly. You manage to smile at him.

“Th-thank you,” You stutter. He smiles at you. “Thank you so much,” You fall into his arms. His eyes widen a bit but he hugs you back.

“You’re safe now,” He promises. “You’re safe,”

[lovelybarnes]

reckless- b. barnes

pairings: bucky barnes x reader, platonic!sam wilson, platonic!natasha romanoff, platonic!steve rogers

warnings: mentions of injuries, descriptions of fighting, angry bucky, a horrible ending, i kind of really hate this

about: “the things i feel for her are unlike anything i’ve ever felt before.” for a sleepover!

i actually wrote another one with the same quote but i didn’t think it fit so i changed it (that one will be posted tomorrow or the day after so i can edit it)

you’re annoyingly reckless to a point where it gets dangerous.

he’s told you this a thousand times before but you don’t listen- aren’t listening at the moment.

he knows it’s ironic that he’s being reckless by not paying attention to what’s going on, too concentrated on you- even if you’ve told him countless times that you literally can’t die (to which he responds with a “you never know!” because, really do you?)- but he has a metal arm and sam, who’s been hovering around him like a vulture after noticing his lack of concentration.

before he can react to it, a slimy arm is promptly cut off by you, the blade you threw now back in your hands and stained green with the things’ blood. you scowl at it and shoot him a dirty look, “pay fucking attention!” you demand, shaking the weapon haphazardly to get the goo off. he can’t believe that the words came out of your mouth but rolls his eyes and obeys, knocking an ugly alien down and crushing its chest with his boot.

he can still hear your cocky remarks and giggles- yes, giggles, you giggle when you fight life threatening menaces- paired with the gross sounds of your knife impaling the aliens they’re fighting. it’s the only thing keeping him from practically babysitting you, a reassurance that you’re there, careless and impetuous, but alive and close.

suddenly, he can’t hear you, and he turns to what he quite possibly believes to be the most disgusting thing he’s seen in his life (and it’s been a long one, so far). you’re blue, covered in a slimy substance, and your face is so red, it’s beginning to look nearly purple with the cyan sheen over it. you screech abruptly, wiping at your face angrily and jumping at the thing that probably did that to you. he nearly feels pity for it. nearly, because, in your rage, you hadn’t even noticed the large gash along your shoulder. before he can go to you before you kill yourself, his metal arm feels like it’s being sucked, taking him with it, and he grunts. “what the fuck-” he manages, unsure of what he’s looking at, but trying to cut through the sticky arm attached to his own. you’re there in five seconds flat, still blue and still angry, which he notices makes the slicing through the appendage easier.

you seem to decide to stay with him after that, and he’s not sure if he’s offended because you don’t think he can take care of himself- which is ridiculous, since this only happened because he was taking care of you- or touched.

“god, i wish i had wanda’s powers. chaos magick works a lot faster than causing chaos,” you complain, trying to wipe away the blue sludge at the same time and wincing when it tugs at your injury. he is reminded of the shoulder wound he nearly got his arm ripped off for trying to warn you, and he stops your hand. “you’re bleeding, you should probably be a little more careful with this.” he motions to your arm, avoiding touching it.

you frown at him, “it’s fine, it’s just a little cut.” (it’s most certainly not a “little cut.”)

“y/n-”

you extend the hurt arm over him and flick your hands when you see an alien about to rip bucky’s head off, a grimace passing your face that he sees but you try to cover up anyways. “see? it hurts you, you need-”

“i just saved your life, would a hurt person be able to do that?” you cut him off, and he stares at you. noticing a green thing coming up behind you, he grabs your waist and moves you out of the way, shooting it with his gun and watching as it drops to the ground. “ow!” you protest, “you hurt my-” seeming to realize you’re about to prove him right, you shut up and roll your eyes. “you’re welcome,” bucky huffs, wiping away some of the blue stuff from your cheek.

your cheeks warm against his touch without your permission, and you turn away. bucky smirks at your reaction.

“shut up,” you grumble, extending your fingers and aiming at a group of the aliens ganging up on natasha. they freeze for the few seconds they’re under your control, and nat manages to take out two in the moment. the three left break out of the trance, turn to each other, and begin to fight. natasha makes eye contact with you in a form of thanks and starts to take the rest out. you hear a gun go off behind you and turn to see one of the things that sprayed you on the floor. bucky saved you again, great, it’s not like he’ll rub it in your face forever.

“you need to pay attention, what if i’m not here?” bucky scolds. “then never leave,” you flirt casually in response. with a few twirls of your finger, most of the aliens stop paying attention to your team and begin attacking their own teammates.

you don’t notice when one of the few unaffected beings picks up a discarded gun and shoots at you twice. bucky moves you away from a head shot, but one lands opposite to the bleeding slash on your shoulder, and the other hits your thigh.

“goddamnit, y/n, pay attention!” bucky growls, holding up your full weight when your adrenaline begins to run out and everything becomes blurry. “‘m fine,” you try to reassure, attempting to stand back on your wobbly legs. bucky doesn’t let you, shooting at as many aliens as he can with one gun. he turns to look at your state after he shoots most of them, allowing the others to take care of it while he tries to take care of you. his metal hand is touching the small device in his ear, telling the others the situation while his other arm holds you up. you might be delirious now, and your eyelids are becoming increasingly difficult to keep up. “hm, i’m not going to die, b’cky.” you tell him, noticing the increasing panic in his voice as he talks to steve. “stop saying that, how would you know if you haven’t died yet?”

his question is confusing for your foggy brain, so you decide to skip it, unknowingly making his worries worse. the blood running down your back isn’t stopping, and bucky stops for a second to lift you up completely, tucking his hand underneath your knees to carry you. at the tug at your thigh, you bite back a scream. bucky pretends not to notice; his hands are covered in a warm red. he’s trying his best to ignore it.

“don’t die,” bucky whispers again and again, making you frown, “how many times do i ‘ave to tell you i can’t die?”

“i’ll believe it when you don’t,” bucky mutters, and the blue sky turns to gray when he’s inside the quinjet. he sets you down on the medbay cot, looking lost as he calls out friday’s name. “yes, mister barnes?”

“y/n- uh-”

“do a scan on me and… and treat accordingly,” you interrupt. “scanning now,” friday obeys, and you turn to bucky. “by the time you figured it out i would have bled out.”

“that’s not funny, y/n,” bucky says seriously. you squeeze your eyes shut for a second, “calm down, i’ll be fine.” friday has enclosed you in some clear glass, red grids letting you know of your condition. “ooh, that’s bad,” you mumble, much to the dismay of your boyfriend. “what?” said boyfriend asks, and you wave him off as best you can- which means a pathetic bounce of your arm- and tell him to let friday do her thing. “we are not done here,” bucky instructs, but sits next to you and holds your hand. you can see his glossed eyes now, you wonder how you didn’t see them before.

“shouldn’t you be fighting?” you ask, a wave of exhaustion crashing over you. rest, your body begs. you’ll comply later. “they’re almost done, the chaos thing you did makes their job a lot easier.”

“‘s what i do,” you say breathily before falling asleep.

-

you’re still in the quinjet the next time you open your eyes, which lets you know it’s only been a few hours and you’re feeling better already. goddess healing, you think, looking around to see bucky’s hand still around yours. he looks worried, the hard lines usually softened by the sound of your voice as hard as you’ve ever seen them. you squeeze his fingers gently. “bucky,” you coo, “i’m not dying anymore.”

bucky turns to you immediately, squinting, “that’s not funny.” it’s like deja vu, but you’re not sure from where.

a vein on bucky’s neck throbs, and you’re aware that you’re pushing it, so you stop for a second, “i was just kidding, i-”

“no!-” bucky’s voice is near yelling, so he shuts his eyes for a moment, continuing in a lower voice, “you almost died, do you know how terrifying that is? you nearly bled out in my arms.” sam, nat and steve, who were waiting for you to wake up next to bucky, pause when he raises his voice. “bucky-” you start, softer now, trying to sit up. bucky stands, “listen to me!”

steve stands, beginning to put a hand on bucky’s shoulder, “buck-” he’s silenced with a cold look from bucky. sam gets to his feet too, telling steve and nat to give you both a minute. they do, after nat kisses your cheek like she always does when you get hurt. you’re sitting on the edge of the bed now, reaching for bucky, “bucky?”

“you don’t… you don’t know how much you scared me, y/n. you have to stop being so careless,” he says after a few seconds. you furrow your brows, “i’m not careless, i’m confident in my skills.”

“you are. you’re careless and reckless and hasty and i need you to not be,” he says harshly, you frown. “why? i’m fine and i’m always going to be-”

“you don’t- you don’t understand!-” bucky snaps. “then help me understand,” you implore. bucky closes his eyes tightly again, breathing in slowly. “the things... that i feel for you are unlike anything i have ever felt before, and i can’t- i can’t lose you, okay?”

“you’re not going to,” you assure, extending your arms towards him, noting the tiny ache in response. he walks over to you, letting you grab his jaw when he’s close, you run your fingers over his cheeks gently. “i’ll be more careful,” you promise. bucky nods, tucking his face into the dip of your neck. you run your fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, letting him squeeze your waist almost to reassure himself you’re actually there.

“hey,” you say quietly after a few moments, pressing tender kisses to bucky’s cheek, “sit down, i want to do something.” you stand, grabbing onto bucky’s arm when you stumble a little and promise him you’re fine and are taking it easy. you take out the first aid kit from one of the cabinets, setting it down next to bucky, opening it and taking out everything you need. you begin to clean his cuts, putting a pink hello kitty bandaid over one of his particularly bad ones. it’ll be gone within a day, but you can’t resist, and it makes him laugh.

you hum while you dab at a small scratch next to his eye, and he chuckles lowly, you look up at him, “what?”

“you’re still a little blue.”

[capricores]

i have a theory... it’s a mouthful though

aquarius, capricorn and scorpio* placements get roasted a lot for their fear of being open and vulnerable, especially when it comes to relationships and love. they generally are criticized for their preferences for being alone (which is.. strange, because there’s nothing wrong with that, imo), but people rarely reflect on why this is often the case. i want to talk about frequent happenings with placements connecting to these three signs, and why they end up developing into adults who have abandonment issues, fears of vulnerability/closeness, fierce/unnecessary independence, and so forth.

this post is going to connect mainly to venus (relationships & love, etc) and moon (emotions & often childhood) in these signs, as well as those planets being aspected by saturn, uranus or pluto [however, it’s possible this could apply for other strong personals + dominants/stelliums].

with capricorn as one’s venus/moon (or saturn aspecting venus/moon), love throughout childhood; and sometimes into adulthood; was often conditional, only ever earned. love and affection may have even been weaponized in a sense; used as a rare reward, not a given. saturn is a planet representing hard work, to put things super simply, and when attaching itself to such emotional planets (especially venus), can indicate an individual who had to work hard for love. children, obviously, should not have to work hard for their guardians love and affection (nor do i think adults in relationships [platonic or romantic] should have to *work* for someone’s love either). this tends to manifest as an adult who puts people through hundreds of test to prove they’re worthy of the capricorn individual’s trust and affection, as they view this as the norm. they also lack trust in people’s affections, often thinking there’s some sort of hidden motive or obstacle within the affection. they may develop tendencies to be mostly attracted to flaky individuals with fleeting (& conditional) affection and love for them. undeveloped they crave that “risk-reward” situation in romance. all of these factors considered, this is why capricorn venuses/moons, venus-saturn/moon-saturn aspected individuals often prefer to be alone, and have a general distaste towards/distrust in “love” and deep connection.

with aquarius as one’s venus/moon (or uranus aspecting venus/moon), love tends to be very unpredictable. in childhood, and again also into adulthood possibly, it is likely that the love experienced in their home was very fleeting and unstable. as aquarius is also ruled by saturn, you can read the capricorn/saturn explanation above, which will also apply heavily to aquarius placements. but on the uranus side of things, this planet (known for sudden, drastic changes) having connection to venus/moon can indicate an individual who frequently experiences a “roller coaster of emotions”. with moon & venus in aquarius/aspecting uranus, it can point towards friends and romantic partners who leave as quickly as they came. in childhood, their family may have gone through phases of being present vs absent, or being open vs closed, etc. the home may have been a place of great emotional turmoil and instability. this often, i find, develops into adults who project these habits onto future relationships. swinging from being very invested/nearly obsessed with a person/relationship, only to withdraw and lose interest just as quickly. i think it’s partially due to the fear of abandonment that tends to pop up through such a childhood, and also due to hot & cold love being seen as a norm for aquarian placements when younger, therefore they bring it with them into adulthood before they fully develop. since love tends to be so frequently unstable for them, they grow distaste towards it and generally prefer to keep to themselves and stick to their isolation.

with scorpio placements (namely venus/moon, or pluto aspecting venus/moon), it’s almost like a mix of the two things listed above. pluto, similar to saturn, can connect heavily to power and control. pluto is also *more intense* than uranus when it comes to changes. changes with scorpio/pluto are like death & rebirth, huge transformations. i’ve noticed throughout the scorpio moons childhood, much like capricorns, they are given a lot of responsibility and stress. the family often manipulates them into working for/earning their love, or there is frequent turmoil and power struggles within the home; causing distrust within the family that later develops into scorpio’s inability to trust others. love is also frequently conditional here, as it is with aqua/cap. this can lead to their future distaste/fear of getting truly intimate with the people they develop feelings for. they also are likely to experience very drastic changes in their childhood, not small nor easy to digest ones, that end up resulting in abandonment and/or trust issues that are carried into the future until fully developed as well. scorpio moons tend to get used to things never being truly stable, and get used to people’s intentions - especially those closest to them - never being pure/without baggage, which can result in an adult who shuts everyone out and refuses to open up, as they grow immensely suspicious and paranoid of anyone around them.

capricorn, scorpio & aquarius placements also usually have to grow up very fast. scorpio & capricorn specifically tend to have to mature and take on way too many responsibilities from a very young age. aquarius placements i find tend to frequently endure betrayals & abandonment during childhood. these things develop to the fierce independence these three signs tend to carry. they’re so used to doing and handling everything alone, they don’t believe they need anyone else. and even if they do, they don’t think they could possibly trust someone else to get close enough to help them / connect with them deeply, due to these frequent stresses, changes, and conditional love situations common in their pasts (and sometimes into adulthood too).

* = scorpios are heavily connected with intimacy and vulnerability. but undeveloped scorpios expect intimacy and vulnerability from others without returning the same energy. they tend to hide their own feelings while encouraging others to pour out theirs, creating what feels like one-sided intimacy.

anyway. just a little thought. can we stop making fun of aquarius, capricorn & scorpio placements (and...anyone in general) for being scared of relationships, intimacy, vulnerability, etc., and think about the reasoning as to why these fears develop and how they can be healed. (also, want to make it clear i’m not saying only these placements can experience these things! nor are these placements guaranteed to experience these things. it also doesn’t release accountability for any negative romantic/commitment habits that they may project onto/hurt others with)

[cube-cumb3r]

The Means Reflect On The Ends Actually, (c!Dream & the conditioning of Exile)

What was the point of exile, storywise? What does it say about c!Dream? Sure, it’s showcasing how far he’s willing to go to achieve his own ends, but I don't think all discussion about what exile tells us about c!Dream should start and end there.

Dream is not cruel for cruelty’s sake. Dream’s end goal is not to hurt as many people as possible. He views his cruelty are “necessary evils”, and he doesn’t dwell much on whether the things he does are “good” or “bad”. He’s fully aware he’s hurting people and he ultimately thinks that hurting people, to the extent that he does, is worth it. That being said, while Dream has an ends justify the means mindset, but the truth is, the means absolutely reflect on the ends. His true intentions aren’t a mystery, it’s very clear in the text that his ultimate goal is unity, but why does he want unity? And what would said unity entail?

(Before this essay starts I have to do an ad break to promo @daggryet's very helpful [transcriptions from the exile streams], which I'll be using a lot of. Thanks for the very helpful resource.)

TW: Relatively extensive discussion abt the abuse in exile arc & the effects of said abuse.

Firstly, I don't think you should deny his relationship to control. A through-line of his character is achieving harmony through control, and more specifically, obedience. There’s a reason why he tends to single out Tommy the most. It’s not actually because Tommy is remarkably more troublesome than anyone else on the server, but rather, because his disruptive nature is at Dream’s expense. Tommy is the only character who’s consistently over and over again refused to respect Dream’s authority, and though he isn’t particularly threatening on his own, it’s the sentiment itself that’s dangerous. Similarly, this is why he has consistently targeted L’manburg, moreso than any other faction on the server such as, say, Badlands, El Rapids. It’s almost as if they represented the sentiment, “Hey, why are we listening to you anyway? Why can’t we be listening to anyone else?”, which is why he crushed them, over, and over again. What if everyone figures out they can just stop listening to him? What then?

We talk a lot about the effects exile had on Tommy, and rightfully so, but we don’t talk enough about what Dream was actually doing. What was the purpose of exile? Was it just a way to get closer to the discs? Just a means to an end? What was the end?

TOMMY: What, what could you possibly want more from me? You’ve tortured me.

DREAM: I’m just keeping an eye on you, Tommy.

TOMMY: What does that mean?!

DREAM: I’m just, I’m making sure that you’re not up to no good.

TOMMY: But, how, you’ve exiled me, you fucking stupid, manipulative fucking green bastard!

DREAM: I know! And you know why I did that?

TOMMY: Yes? 

DREAM: No, you know why?

TOMMY: Why?

DREAM: Because you don’t listen to me ever, you’re the only person who doesn’t ever listen to me. If I tell you to do something, you’re like “no, fuck you!”, and you go and like do like the exact opposite.

[full transcription]

As much as I have to preface this with that this is speculative and we may not have any irrefutable confirmation, I think it's very likely that it's literally just what Dream is saying he's doing. Tommy is the one person who refuses to listen to him, and he wants him to listen. Exile was not only conditioning Tommy to believe that nobody other than Dream cares about him, not only conditioning Tommy to be entirely reliant on him, but also conditioning Tommy to listen to him, without question, without disobeying. And that is such a significant and reoccurring motif for it to arguably just be the intended reading of exile.

Abuse is a vague term that encompasses a lot of abusive practices. There are a good handful that apply to exile, I'm sure if you ask someone qualified they'll be able to provide you a nice handy list, but ultimately, all of them target Tommy's own sense of agency and autonomy, and it all revolves around power and control. Dream creates rituals purely to disarm him, threatens him and punishes him when he doesn't listen, and rewards him when he complies (or rather, conditions Tommy into thinking that not being punished is a reward).

TOMMY: [begins throwing his armor and axe down for DREAM to explode.]

DREAM: No, no, it’s fine.

TOMMY: Re-really?

DREAM: Yeah. Today’s the party, right?

---

TOMMY: So when can I- no, I wanna go back. I… hey, thanks for letting me keep my armour today.

DREAM: You’re welcome.

TOMMY: Kinda nice of you.

[full transcription]

Dream isn’t only hurting Tommy for the sake of hurting him. People tend to frame it as if Dream Just Hates Tommy, but that’s not true. He finds Tommy fun, in a twisted way. There are a lot of moments in exile where they’re both on very good terms and Dream is friendly with Tommy. But, it's also all part of horror of exile, making Tommy reliant on him and his company, getting him to doubt his sense of reality, making him question whether his friends back in L’manburg ever cared about him at all, and possibly questioning whether he’s imagining the abuse as well, Dream is so kind to him after all, why would he ever want to hurt him?

Over the course of exile Tommy agency and sense of self start to deteriorate as well as his mental health, he starts worrying about what Dream would think, starts asking Dream for permission, going out of his way to avoid upsetting him, his only friend, his only reliable caring companion.

TOMMY: Yeah, so I’m thinking we- and then I can- but the thing is; so recently my buddy, Dream, has been doing this thing where he, uhm… it makes sense, though, because I’m not in his land anymore, but he takes my shit from me, so I need to make sure- […]

---

RANBOO: Yeah, so what do you say- does Dream like take your armor? Is that what you said?

TOMMY: I don’t know, he just- hey man, I just follow the boss.

[full transcription]

TOMMY: “Visit Techno” no, no, what would Dream think? […]

---

TOMMY: I’ve had a little idea, by the way, and I wanna know what you think, and also if I’m allowed

DREAM: Okay?

[full transcription]

TOMMY: Yeah, I know he’s actually - he’s sort of my- he’s borderline my owner, Big Q, so I’m not really sure.

MEXICAN DREAM: He’s your dad?

TOMMY: No, no-

MEXICAN DREAM: Ey! Ey, Papa Thomas!

TOMMY: No, no, we’re- as in labor.

MEXICAN DREAM: You gotta teach your child some manners.

[full transcription]

Dream’s outburst in exile after finding Tommy’s chests, is arguably one of Dream's most emotionally honest (and reckless) moments in exile considering it was what made Tommy realize he needed to save himself and escape. And it's punishing Tommy for going behind his back and planning to revolt.

TOMMY: I’m really, no, I’m really sorry, though. Why don’t we just pretend this never- yeah, let’s, shall we just pretend this-?

DREAM: Sorry doesn’t cut it, Tommy. Listen, I’ll leave you here to think about what you did-

TOMMY: What about the nether? What about the nether, my friends, what-?

DREAM: No! You can’t go to the nether, no one can come here, you are alone, okay? As soon as I think that you have changed, have become somebody who isn’t going to hide and lie and try and revolt; then people can visit you again. You can go to the nether again. But for now - no, no one can. You- I was being very lenient. Yesterday I let you go into the Dream SMP on a temporary pass, and then what do I find out the next day?

TOMMY: I’m so sorry.

DREAM: I have been nothing but gracious to you. Tommy. Think about what you did.

---

Exile wasn’t only a means to getting closer to the discs or getting Tommy out of the way. Exile was a means to conditioning Tommy into listening and respecting Dream as his superior. Dreams solution to Tommy being disruptive and troublesome was to [physically beat], emotionally abuse, and psychologically condition him into obedience. Only seeing exile as a testament to how far how willing he was go to meet his ends is reductive, and not acknowledging what Dream considers to be a “problem” and what he considers to be “solutions” is to not engage with his worldview. You have to take exile into account and what it actually says about his ideals of harmony and unity.

---

TOMMY: I can’t go back… I can’t go back, and see my friends and see Tubbo. This is a shithole! He wasn’t- he wasn’t here ‘cause he was my friend. He was here to- what did he say on the first day? Got a little bug that he can’t flig off? I’m the only person who never does exactly what he says?

TOMMY: I’m the only person who never does what he says. Me! He said that to me, didn’t he?

TOMMY: He was here to watch me.

[full transcription]

Dream’s relationship to Tommy can (and honestly should) be compared to his relationship to the entire server at large. Not to imply that He Literally Wants To Abuse The Server, but rather the he views the server revolting as a problem, and the solution? Well. The [prison]. The hall of attachments. It’s no surprise that the disc war, a conflict that was initially only primarily between Dream and Tommy*, is suddenly about everyone. Bargaining and blackmailing using attachments, something Dream initially only subjected Tommy to, to keep him under his control, is now a means to control everyone.

Is Dream's goal of unity for the sake of the overall happiness and quality of life of the people living within said unity? I don’t doubt that this at some point in time was true. But, the fact that he’s willing to ruin lives and long-term psychologically destroy people over it, means that his goal isn’t unity for the sake of the people living in his ideal version of the server, but at their expense. Him believing he needs to control people to maintain unity and harmony means that he believes himself to know what's best for people moreso than the people themselves, and therefore he's the only one responsible enough to make decisions for them. And it also means that his motives has warped and twisted overtime, it’s likely that he’s become so fixated on the goal of unity itself that he’s lost track of why he wanted it in the first place.

Anyway. Stop buying into Dream's own self-justification of "ends justify the means" and put his deeply flawed and broken worldview and view of people under a little bit of goddam scrutiny.