#bad games

[therobotmonster]

In honor of he who died and rose after three days in the grave and now grants life ever lasting to his followers I thought it only right I got into the spirit once. So Dracula, this one's for you:

Just look at it.

You have what appears to be (and is) an accountant being menaced by boobalicious vampire women twice his size, so he's got Ethan Winters beaten to the punch by 34 years. But don't be fooled. One glance into his 30-yard stare and its obvious why only Mr. Weems can stop these sinister She-Vampires:

Weems is dead on the inside yet still living, where the she-vampires are animated from within with life, while dead.

He is their antithesis.

So yeah, a pile of jank with a fun name crossed my path, and now you all have to hear about it. If you're not hitting 'J', you have no one to blame but yourself.

Released on a scad of systems, but mostly the ZX Spectrum and the C64, The Astonishing Adventures of Mr. Weems & the She-Vampires is a sort of 'Gauntroidvania'. It's also trying to push the limits of how titillating a pre-NES era game could be, though the C64 port's interface missed that memo.

The hacked c64 version was the one I played, but giantbomb had a lot of gifs from the ZX verison that I've upscaled for demonstration purposes.

The only bit of story is from the back package. Weems wants to feel something, so he's decided to take on the Great She-Vampire or die in her buxom grasp. Fair.

This game is not recommended for people with epilepsy, dignity, or in general.

Mr. Weems has a garlic gun to defend his ever-dropping blood supply (vampire hunter is an odd professon with anemia) and destroy the baddies...

All three of them, which are all introduced on the first screen!

You've got bats, they pop out of pots and attack you.

The manual says these guys are Frankenstein's' monsters, but they're clearly the giant from Twin Peaks trying to warn you that you've bought a dud.

On the C64, the lesser she-vampires are clearly based on Dracula's brides, whereas on the ZX, they're more like ghosts with big naturals.

Which means that to get both kinds of vampire babe from the secondary cover, you'd have to buy a cassette for your c64, and and for your ZX. And I don't mean a cartridge, I mean a, Cassette tape.

If you manage to stalk your way all the way to the end and find the gear you need to destroy her, the Great She-Vampire awaits:

There's no boss fight, but there is a 1 pixel nip, at least on the ZX spectrum.

From there you book it back the way you came, only every screen now has a she-vampire chasing you in a murderous rage. Make it out, and you win. Or maybe you didn't, because just like the Dungeon of Fear and Hunger, you can never really escape Mr. Weems & the She-Vampires.

Only Weems increases the immersion by truamatizing you, the player. Mr. Weems is fine. You don't have to worry about the Weems.

So...

Is it a good game?

Not remotely, but that isn't the point in the slightest.

It's temping to say this is the Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies of video games, but that's not quite right. Weems has promise and ISCWSLaBMUZ doesn't make promises. It issues threats.

Mr. Weems has the charm of a concept that's all potential and zero execution. A dead-eyed accountant gunning his way in a Gauntlet-esq blitz through a vampire-babe infested castle is a fun idea, more-so with all the secret passages and 'gather items and backtrack to the boss' aspect. It's just everything else that goes wrong.

I mean, who doesn't want to hunt the Great She-Vampire to her penthouse for a good staking, I ask you?

[conkreetmonkey]

Wreck It Ralph type video game character crossover movie, but it's just obscure old characters from failed mascot games that tried and failed to be the next Mario in the 90's. Plok, Croc, the Floigan bros, Bubsy, Gex, Buck Bumble, Glover, Wild Woody, Alex Kidd... so many casualties. What has become of them. Show me the middle aged, chainsmoking has-beens they have become.

[kingpepperony]

Oh ok

[posthumanwanderings]

attract mode, Violent Vengeance: The Universe Hero (Accend / Soft-World - MS-DOS - 1994)

[ptewie]

As a developer. I'd rather make a "bad" game than a mediocre game.

Many if not most of the projects I've released. I would not consider it to be the peak of quality. But, I don't really mind that.

To me, bad games are games that try something and utterly miss the mark completely, and mediocre games are games that do the same thing as everyone else and offer nothing new to the table. Mediocre games have no sense of identity, no sense of flair, and sometimes no sense of passion at all. Bad games have these, they just fail in the execution. So when I play a "bad" game, I always see it as a missed opportunity rather than an affront to video games as a whole in an industry where you see AAA companies churning out the same mediocre games yearly. When I work on games with people, I always prefer doing something crazy and weird compared to making a game jam.

"Games are not the same." I've seen so many people say. "That's the issue here." No, you're wrong. You just gotta look a little harder now. No matter if you're a developer or if you're a player, You need to play more BAD video games, instead of being stuck in mediocre game hell. That's how the magic is lost, don't let that happen to you.

[n64retro]

South Park

Iguana Entertainment / Acclaim Nintendo 64 1998

[jadethest0ne]

I had a dream a couple nights ago that involved @characcoon and I playing crappy horror games that were so bad we forgot to be scared, and instead got frustrated at the voice acting and the mechanics. Twas a fun time haha and I had to draw it out

It can be really soul-healing to just doodle out a low-effort, no-stakes comic for funsies

[devileaterjaek]

[zeron1nezero]

pokemon violet/scarlet got that “There Is No Kalos In Ba Sing Se” type rizz. just embarrassing.

[rainydayz647]

Saw balan wonderworld on sale for $6 and thought "what a steal" since I'm a fan of the book and wasn't going to spend $40 on such a bad game I bought it, anyway here's a picture of my brother playing the game

[badgames]

[blakeexists07]

you guys might kill me butttttt what if I posted some yandere simulator redesigns?

[cameronlockhart]

Tomb Raider's never been a top franchise of mine, but I've always preferred the vibes of the older games (I still enjoy the Legends Trilogy) compared to the gritty modern ones. That said, I just tried out the remastered trilogy and hoo boy did I get frustrated quickly. Those controls are finicky even in modern mode. You know something's very wrong when you can't even nab the first item pickup in the game despite following the instructions.

Now I'm glad I missed out on the first five games. Forget remasters, those games need full-on remakes if they ever hope to be playable.

[athingfromtheforest]

downloading a game and this is the review

[gpawj]

I have many questions

[n64retro]

Everybody praises the N64 for its 3D platformers, action-adventures and off course for its remarkable first person shooters such as Doom 64, Goldeneye 007, the Turok series, the Quake series and Perfect Dark. It's a bit common sense to say that and all of these good games will certainly figure in future polls. For this week's poll I would like to know which FPS game do you think is the WORST, the absolute garbage or at least the most disappointing FPS game for N64. I know some people may have nostalgia for some of these titles, but I can't blame anyone for its guilty pleasures. Everybody has their owns. Turok: Rage Wars was criticized for its lack of content; Armorines is almost dull and unplayable even with a good premise and atmosphear; South Park is silly in essence; Rainbow Six is painfull to play; Hexen is painful to see; and Daikatana is the crème de la crème here. So, it's a hard poll and it's upon to you to decide which of these trash is the worst N64 FPS title ever released. Have fun, share (reblog) and feel free to leave comments.