#bane is bad at caring about most things but he really struggles to find affection for other men

[righteousruin]

listen,, bane will try and warn you too ,,,his longest sexual partner was bird and he developed no romo for him whatsoever, he’s probably still in that cargo hold having venom withdrawals because Bane never went back for him

[so-i-dont-forget-again]

So I Don’t Forget Again: A Breath of The Wild fanfiction

Entry 208: Zora’s Domain

 Sidon made me breakfast. He made things I had taught him to make back at Hateno, he had to wake up very early to get the ingredients on time. He tried to hide it, but I could see he was a little sleepy through the whole day, he’s had such little rest. I really appreciate this, him just focusing on me, almost like there’s nothing else, but I don’t want him to push himself. Though I want to thank him all the same. He just makes me feel so special and safe, in a way unlike anything else, I guess. I feel like he really sees me, like he truly wants me. I don’t know how to describe this, but I want to. I want to pour these feelings into these pages, have him read this so he can know just how much he means to me, how he’s an irreplaceable part of my life, how he

I just want him to know as amazing as he finds me, I find him to be just the same. He’s much more eloquent with words than me, so maybe he’d know how to write this, but I want to at least try, even if this is just kinda incoherent thoughts by now.

We went to market, it’s a bit away from town, but that’s because it’s more of a trading area so Hylians and Gorons and others can get there easier than going through the canyon to the town. We did some shopping but we heard a lot of rumors. A new hero appearing, one who couldn’t be the reincarnated one. A hero who did not wield the blade of evil’s bane but a trident, instead of working in service of the princesses, or royalty, or goddess they worked for the people, a blond gender ambiguous Hylian who slew a massive, fearsome beast all to get ingredients for a medicine for a gerudo woman’s sick husband they didn’t even know, a person who helped the descendants of the champions calm all the Divine Beasts soon after their rampages began, a person who is a brother to the strong gorons, a person who had begun to teach others how to fend for themselves, on and on it went, even false or exaggerated tales. They were all about one simple person who served the people for their sake and nothing else. This person was not grand or flashy, they were only recognized since tridents are an uncommon weapon and even more uncommon for hylians outside of the royal family to be blond, two odd, eye catching characteristics and people made the connections from there. Sidon told me it just seemed fitting that the “Hero of the People” would wish to use all his peoples’ fighting styles, a person who was strong with all their power, their best qualities united.

I guess it is fitting. Before being the chosen hero or whatever felt like a burden, but this time, it felt different, it didn’t feel bad, like there’s this cumbersome weight I just can’t carry. I’m being called a hero for things I have done already, not things I’m expected to do, I think that’s the difference. I think Sidon could tell too. He admitted he was a little nervous about this, but if I did react badly, he wanted to be beside me so he could comfort me and not have me over hear this some other place far away and for my thoughts to go dark again. And we had the whole day to be together so we could do something fun to get my mind off it.

We had a lovely walk back. Bossa Nova kept trying to steal some of the ingredients we ended up running part of the way as he chased us. He even tried nibbling on my hair to get my attention. Sidon tried scolding him, but Bossa Nova didn’t care. After gifting a Hearty Radish he calmed down, but Sidon said I shouldn’t spoil him, that he’ll just take advantage of that and eat through all my non-meat supplies sooner or later. But then he just looked at me for a moment, smiled and shook his head before turning back to the trail ahead. When I asked him what that meant he told me he couldn’t find my behavior endearing and that I need to learn how to say ‘no’ sometimes. I guess he is a prince, he has to make decisions for his people, and he’ll likely have to say ‘no’ sometimes, but how can you say no to a cute hungry capybara! Besides I don’t think he would have stopped trying to knock us over till he was fed so I don’t think it could have been THAT bad. Just a treat. He’s a good boy, he needs the love. Sidon then gasped and said this must be why Bossa Nova likes me more now. It was clear he was play acting, playing up the moment but his reaction did get Bossa Nova to charge at him and knock him into the river for hugs. Much of the fruit started floating down river and it took a while to collect it all.

We cooked lunch together, a fusion between Rito and Zora cuisine. I always love cooking with him, well I just like cooking, but especially with him. Food reflects it’s culture and traditions, cooking is literally making something to help the other keep living and making it enjoyable all the while. I don’t think I need food, not anymore at least, but I can still enjoy it, making it and tasting it with others. Eating and cooking with others feels different than on your own, it only makes sense, food reflects people and so more people would surely make it taste better. All this to say I just really enjoyed lunch. And Bossa Nova still ate his meal so giving him his treat was not spoiling him! He didn’t eat his whole thing though, but that’s not the point! He still ate it… I guess it’s because I don’t get hungry I don’t see the point in having scheduled meals. Sidon said that was not the point, the point being Bossa Nova acting bratty to get whatever he wants. But could it be so bad, all he ever wants is food or extra affection.

Sidon asked if I knew how long I can hold my breath for. Much of his kingdom is underwater and he wanted to show more of it to me. Zoras really are made for the water, even the shape of their heads are kind of like arrows so they can effortlessly pierce through it. I know fish need fins to swim, I wonder how fins help Zora swim. They’re just stunning racing past, or at least Sidon is. Even with my complete zora armor set swimming can be a struggle but for him it’s effortless, he can go in circles and make twists and turns so quickly. Light seems much starker underwater, either bright or dark, I notice his glowy parts much more, I still can’t tell if they’re always glowing or if the glow activates when he’s in shade.

His home underwater looks similarish to land with similar plants, but there are also very different ones I don’t even know where to begin describing them. Some are kind of like flat dishes and others more spindly, then there are others that are wrinkly, I’ve never seen plants like those in the rivers before. There are some like stone, Sidon says they’re called coral and are plants oddly enough. Many of these only grow in the domain, but there are similar ones in the ocean. I wondered if any could be used in cooking, as they are plants zoras have never tried and Sidon was rather keen on assisting me if I tried working with them.

His kingdom underwater is so much larger than on the surface. Sidon and his people could so easily be separated from the rest of the world and be just fine. Their most important places like the throne room are on the surface so others can more easily reach them. That is something he’s always had been so appreciative of his ancestors for doing. His people, they’ve always been distant from the rest of Hyrule whether they lived solely underwater or some place out of reach or hidden away, of all times this current era is likely the closest they have been to others even with being separated by a distant canyon still. He doesn’t like this distance, even if it is better than before. After the champions fell and the hylians had no leader, everyone mostly went their own ways and more of a divide was created between everyone, sure there’s trade and the mail service but other than that, nothing, no alliance promises or at least documents stating they were at peace with one another, there’s nothing except for the few individuals who sought out pay from others, that’s why he finds what I’m doing to be so incredible. This legend I’m making just by being myself, becoming something or someone everyone can connect too or want to strive for. A kind of hero he could only have dreamed of. I told him I can’t do anything like uniting everyone, I’ve just lived with them and gotten to know them, he however, someone who knows how to lead others, someone who can understand and relate to others so easily or through his sheer determination, his hunger to know others better, wanting those connections, he could become someone who could lead and unite hyrule. He told me uniting hyrule again was going to be a monumental task, surely one he could not handle on his own, he’d definitely need someone who’s on good terms with everyone, and more importantly a partner by his side, someone he could lean on during the rough days, someone who could emotionally support him and just be by his side, just someone precious to him to keep close.

How tenderly he held my hands and stroked them with his thumbs, and just that way he looked at me. I don’t know what I was feeling but it was so warm, and soft, and like my chest was fluttering. Just… how he wants me, not just for what I can do, he just wants me. He wants me to be there because he just wants to share his life with me, I just happen to get some additional satisfaction since I know I get to help, but even if I couldn’t I KNOW he’d want me to be there with him and it just…

It means so much to me.

Today was just so nice.

After leading me to my room he collapsed on the bed. I don’t know about him, but I know swimming definitely takes a lot of energy and he was already working with little sleep, at least this way I know for certain he’s getting rest. I hope nobody comes here looking for him. For now, I guess I should get some sleep myself.

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[marvel-starwarsfangirl]

Bad Batch Season 1 Review

Overall, I give this season a 7/10. Out of all the Star Wars shows that I’ve seen, this is definitely weakest so far. However, this is only season 1 and as I recall, Rebels and Clone Wars didn’t start off that strong either. In fact, season 1 Ahsoka was very annoying but she got better as the show went on. I hope The Bad Batch is the same way.

Personally, I did enjoy this show. There are some really great things about this show, which I will discuss. On the other hand, my criticisms are pretty big and I hope the second season does a better job with handling them.

What I loved: 

The animation is absolutely stunning. Some of the backgrounds looked real and were gorgeous to look at. The expressions on the characters were so detailed and I really enjoyed the attention to detail. Although some of the character models need work, I still loved the designs. Cad Bane probably was the best updated character model. Yes, his hat needs to be larger, but I loved how detailed his face was with all the scars. This was really crisp animation and it was awesome.

The music was beautiful to listen to. The Kiner brothers are amazing composers. I really enjoyed the soundtrack. Star Wars has always had epic music, no matter what movie or show you’re watching. My favorite track has got to be “The Bounty Hunter is Back.” Hearing the western theme while Cad Bane made his grand entrance was epic! I love how he finally got his own theme song. The final episode’s music tugged at my heartstrings. This is the end of the clones and the music tells us that.

The voice acting is superb. Dee Bradley Baker is so talented and I have no idea how he does it. He’s voicing 5 main characters who all have slightly different accents. To add to that, he has to portray a lot of emotions while being two different characters at the same time. How he always hits the emotional moments or doesn’t forget which voice to use is amazing. I loved Michelle Ang’s work as Omega. She does a great job portraying her and her voice is very unique. And yes, Corey Burton as Cad Bane and Ming-Na Wen as Fennec Shand were awesome. 

I also really loved the parallels to other characters like Kallus and the action sequences. There are some really thrilling moments in this show. Cad Bane’s standoff with Hunter was amazing and visually stunning. Our space cowboy finally got his big western moment. Now, we need the Boba Fett standoff and it’ll be perfect. 

The cameos were fun as well. Seeing Cad Bane and Cut again were great. Young Fennec and Hera were also enjoyable. We see where they began their journeys and I’m here for it. I also like how the cameos weren’t just for fan service but tied into the story. We know now how Rex and Gregor found each other. Cad Bane and Hera were probably my favorites out of all the cameos.

As for the Bad Batch themselves, I did enjoy watching them. Omega is great addition and Crosshair worked his way into my heart. What can I say, I love tragic villains. 

What I didn’t like:

Now, for my criticisms. I still love the show but it isn’t perfect.

I feel like this show is unfocused with its plot. When it’s allowed to explore the main story like with Omega’s purpose and Crosshair, the show is at its best. However, the filler episodes do get in the way and don’t offer much except for fun side quests. I think if they cut a few of the filler episodes or rewrote them to develop the characters, then they would have worked. However, as they stand right now, they do drag the show a bit. The plot, from what I gathered, is the Batch trying to survive in a changing galaxy. However, I wish they showed more of the Batch struggling to fit in. I wish we saw more of the Empire’s presence affect things. The Batch seem to be doing just fine for most of the episodes. Perhaps a shorter season with a more focused plot would benefit this show.

Secondly, the character development needs to be worked on. Hunter and Omega got the most followed by Wrecker and Crosshair. Tech and Echo received very little. They touched on Echo’s PTSD and I wish we explored more of that. Seeing how he adjusts to his new life after months of trauma would be great storytelling. I’m glad he at least got to be the focus of one episode. I feel like the filler episodes should have developed the Batch instead of focusing on Omega or Hunter. I hope in season 2, we get more development for the Batch instead of just learning how to be parents. Tech and Echo deserve more. I want to know these characters better but it’s hard when some get left behind.

Finally, Crosshair. He’s still my fave but the show didn’t do him justice. When Crosshair is allowed to be the focus, he really shines and is easily one of the most compelling characters. However, he’s only really in the last few episodes. I definitely think the show should have explored his time with the Empire more. Then, we’d really see what he’s feeling. I think the show did a major disservice by portraying the Batch as if they didn’t care about him. They do, but it’s not shown very well. Hunter especially because he came off as being very uncaring at times. I think Crosshair deserved a lot more. Under his cold exterior, he’s really hurting and still cares for his family. I hope season 2 explores more of his feelings because he clearly feels a lot. The pain of being abandoned is something he feels strongly. I want to see him heal and eventually find his place where he isn’t hurt or forgotten. The Empire doesn’t care and I hope he realizes that. I also think the chip is still in because of his occasional headaches. And I need more scenes with him and Omega. Going forward, I want more Crosshair because he’s such an interesting character. 

Anyways, that’s all folks! I’m looking forward to the second season. I hope that it does fix the problems I mentioned above. See y’all later!

[tvandenneagram]

The Mortal Instruments Enneagram Types - Type Descriptions and Tri-types under the cut

Clary Fray: 4w5 - 6w5 - 1w2

Clary is brave, creative and stubborn. She will always try to do what she believes is right and will follow her heart when she makes decisions.

Clary is very artistic and has a talent for creating runes. She expresses herself through her art and and carries her sketchbook with her everywhere she goes, using it like a diary.

Clary will fight for what she believes in and will often put herself in danger if it means protecting those she cares about. She is stubborn and it is difficult to change her mind once she has made a decision

Clary is very romantic and is preoccupied with her relationship with Jace. She has extremely strong feelings for Jace and somewhat idealises their relationship. Type 4s are often very attached to their romantic partners and search for an ideal partner, which I think is what we see Clary doing with Jace.

I considered typing Clary as a 6 because she is very loyal, however I think that she is more preoccupied with finding out who she is in the world than her safety. I also think she does not make her decisions based on fear and that she doesn’t really plan out her actions very much. While this could indicate that she is counterphobic I think it is more likely that she is a type 4.

Clary has a wing 5 because she is more introverted and withdrawn than a wing 3 would be.

Jace Herondale/Wayland/Morgenstern/Lightwood/whatever name he has this week: - 6w7 (cp) - 8w7 - 3w4

Jace is independent, headstrong and sarcastic. He presents himself as haughty and arrogant, but uses this attitude as a defense mechanism for his insecurites.

Despite Jace’s flippant attitude he has a strong moral core and is very dutiful. He is a very skilled fighter and takes his training seriously. Underneath his pompus exterior, Jace is hiding distinct feelings of inferiority. He is extremely self-loathing in the original trilogy and often purports things to be his fault when they are not. Jace believes that he has been fed demon blood and attributes his conflicts with this. He hates the feelings he has for Clary and blames it on being part demon. Even when all this is disproven, Jace still carries his mistakes like a burden and believes that he is defective. Some type 6s (especially counterphobic 6s, like Jace) feel like the world is ‘against’ them and I think this attitude comes across from Jace, especially earlier in the series.

Jace has very complicated feelings towards Valentine. While Valentine was abusive and is known to be evil, he is also the man who raised Jace. Jace holds onto his positive memories of Valentine, despite all the lies and abuse he suffered upon him. 6s often have complex relationships with their parental figures and they seek their support. 

Jace will fight for his issues head on and often runs straight into battle to protect the people he cares about. I think Jace is the counterphobic variant of 6, as he is more likely to show his aggression and put themselves in dangerous situations. Counterphobic 6s are also often rebellious and defiant to authority (because they don’t trust it), which is something we see in Jace. 

I considered typing Jace as an 8 because he is very assertive and values strength. However I believe that Jace is assertive and acerbic because he doesn’t trust easily. He puts walls up because he is scared of letting people in because he doesn’t want his trust to be broken. When Jace lets someone in he is very loyal and will do anything for them. 

Jace has a wing 7 becomes he is more emotionally expressive and more likely to react than a wing 5 would be.

Alec Lightwood: 1w9 - 2w1 - 6w5

Alec is principled, caring and brave. He is straightforward and doesn’t care much for pretenses.

Alec is serious and responsible. As the oldest member of his family, Alec put it upon himself to be the protector of his family. He felt that he had to be the most responsible and as a result became very dependable. Alec is extremely compliant and concerned with the rules of the Clave. 

Alec is very concerned with what others think of him. He is so scared of what his parents and friends would think of him if they found out he were gay so he kept it secret from everyone except Izzy. Alec knew since a young age he was gay, but bottled his feelings up, because the Clave said it was wrong. He was scared to go against the Clave’s laws and was worried of losing his family’s respect. 

Alec can sometimes come across as judgmental, rigid and condescending, which are common flaws of Type 1s. Underneath all that, Alec is the harshest critic on himself and he holds himself to impossible standards. Despite being very accomplished, he never thought he was good enough and would discount his successes. Alec is often afraid to make a mistake, which results in him being very careful and practical when making his decisions. 

Alec initially had a snobbish attitude and prejudice towards Downworlders, but opens up more as he interacts with them. In his relationship with Magnus, Alec becomes more carefree and loosens up a bit. He still shows insecurities within this relationship, but is able to overcome them. 

Alec has a wing 9 as he is more guarded with his emotions than a wing 2 would be. 

Magnus Bane: 7w6 - 4w3 - 9w8

Magnus is eccentric, worldly and kind. He really wants to find love and acceptance in the world.

Magnus is very flamboyant and whimsical. His personality contrasts quite distinctly with Alec’s more serious and reserved demeanour. Magnus is very open and does not compromise himself for anyone. He is inclusive and accepting of all people, having friends of all different walks of life.

Magnus enjoys a good party and seeks out experiences. As an immortal, he has had quite a storied life and has been all over the world. At times, it can seem like he doesn’t take situations very seriously and will make snarky jokes about them.

Deep down, Magnus yearns for the love and acceptance he never got from his parents. He had a difficult childhood and was not accepted by his family because he was a Downworlder. Due to this trauma, Magnus tries to repress his negative feelings and numb them with more ‘fun’ experiences. While he appears to be very open, he is actually deceptively guarded and is very hesitant to share deep and honest experiences with others. Magnus appears lively and jovial but is hiding a jaded and cynical worldview.

In his relationship with Alec, Magnus is initally the much more active party. 7s are assertive types and if they want to do something they will do it. We often see Magnus being the one to act first whereas Alec was too scared to act on his feelings for a long time. However, as time passes and their relationship becomes more public we see issues begin to form and Magnus is the one to pull away. When Magnus hears about Alec’s idea to turn him mortal, Magnus feels betrayed and breaks up with him. After their break up, Magnus is very avoidant of Alec and ignores him. This is quite typical of 7s, who hate to confront feelings. 

Magnus has a wing 6 as he is more relationship focused and personable than a 7w8.

Isabelle Lightwood: 3w2 - 6w7 - 1w2

Izzy is fierce, passionate and confident. She can come across as vain or narcissistic, but is actually very insecure and vulnerable.

Izzy is charming and magnetic. She has a quality about her which draws people in. Izzy is comfortable with her looks and will often use them as a means to get what she wants. Despite her outgoing demeanour, she is actually very distrustful and fragile. Izzy is guarded with her true feelings and is hesitant to let people know the real her. 

Izzy has a bit of an image that she has crafted of being rebellious and promiscuous to protect herself. She dated a lot and many of these dates were people her parents wouldn’t approve of. Izzy would form meaningless relationships so that she wouldn’t have to worry about forming real feelings or being hurt. She also did this in part to detract attention from Alec so her parents wouldn’t be suspicious of him.

Izzy is very protective and loyal to her friends. She loves them very deeply and is devastated whenever something bad happens to them. Izzy always tries to be there for her family and defends them with everything she has. She is particularly depressed when her brother Max dies as she blames herself for the death. She thinks that she failed him because she didn’t listen to him when he tried to tell her something was wrong. Izzy holds onto this guilt and even skipped the funeral because she felt she did not deserve to be there.

Izzy desperately wants love, but is hesitant to trust any man. Her mother confided in her when she was younger about her father’s infidelities and told her never to trust a man. As a result, Izzy is the character who takes the longest to open herself up to love. She is passionate about Simon, but is scared to love him because she thinks it will only bring her pain. 

Izzy has a wing 2 because she is more grandiose and showy than a wing 4 would be. 3w2s are generally more concerned with their outward appearances and appearing desirable compared to 3w4s.

Simon Lewis: 9w1 - 4w5 - 6w5

Simon is calm, nerdy and accepting. He is a great friend and is courageous when he needs to be.

Type 9s look for normalcy and struggle with change, which is something we see in spades with Simon. When we first meet Simon he is the only mundane character. He is the ‘normal’ one surrounded by all the magical creatures in the TMI universe. Later on, Simon is transformed into a vampire (well first he’s a rat, then he’s a Daylighter and then he’s a Shadowhunter) and longs to be normal. He resists his vampiric urges and refuses to drink from humans for an extremely long time. Simon struggled for a long time to accept this change and was worried about how it would affect his relationships with his loved ones. He desperately craved a normal life and once he became a Daylighter he tried as best as he could to lead as normal a life as possible.

Simon is non-confrontational and is afraid to share his true feelings for the fear that it might change his relationships. At the beginning of the series, he had been in love with Clary for years but never mustered up the courage to say so. He is initially very jealous of Jace and tries to get Clary not to like him. When he is dating Clary he realises her true feelings lie with Jace and ends the relationship. At his core, Simon truly cares for his friends and just wants them to be happy.

Simon is a great listener and genuinely cares about his friends feelings. He is something of a sounding board and both Clary and Izzy with both feeling very comfortable talking about their problems with him. When Max died, Izzy was able to find comfort in Simon. He listened to her and was able to give her solace and understanding. 

Simon is a people pleaser and is scared to hurt other’s feelings. Sometimes, this can lead to him making some mistakes. 9s fear conflict and will try to avoid it at all costs. They avoid saying negative things because they don’t want people to react badly or hurt their feelings. We see this in the whole mess with Maia and Izzy. I actually hate this storyline but I feel it is a good example of Simon’s general 9-ness. When Simon was dating both girls he showed the 9s indecisiveness, people-pleasing and fear of conflict. I feel that Simon wasn’t honest with either girl because he was scared of their reaction and scared of hurting their feelings. I also feel like Simon was confused in his feelings and couldn’t decide which girl was actually the one for him. 

Simon has a wing 1 because he is more repressed and uptight than a 9w8 would be. His 1 wing also influences him to want to be a ‘good’ person, which is part of why he is so upset when he becomes a vampire (which he feels is turning him into a ‘monster’). 

_________________________________________________

Images adapted from Google

The Infernal Devices Types (x)

[nobaettadr]

on leif’s skill ranks, boons, and banes. you asked for this months ago @boundlesshart so here you go KJHKSJDH

sword ( boon. )

lance ( boon. )

axe

bow

gauntlet 

reason

faith ( bane. )

authority ( bane. | budding talent » boon. )

heavy armor ( boon. )

riding

flying

— SWORD. part of this being a boon has to do with it being the weapon that leif has the most experience fighting with. he inherits his light brand — his signature weapon — from his mother, ethlyn, and it’s the only personal thing he has of his parents. it’s pretty much like a third arm to him at this point, and he’s just about never seen without it. it’s always going to be his main weapon in battle.

if he hadn’t been using the light brand since he first learned how to fight, he probably wouldn’t have specialized in swords and would have focused more on spears and lances like all leonster knights ( and to be more like his father ). but years of familiarity have made it one of his strong points.

edit: in addition, his minor baldr blood from his mom’s side also helps give him inherited proficiency with swords naturally as well. thank you bren i deadass always forget he has minor baldr.

— LANCE. wielding a lance is in leif’s blood more than it is in the blood of almost any other gen 2 kid since he’s the prince of leonster, home of the lanze ritter, leonster’s famous lance knights. every well known name from leonster has been a lance knight, from finn to his father and his father’s father before him, etc. they fly the standard of the gae bolg, after all, and i hc that noba herself was also a lance knight.

it’s also the weapon he received the most training with along with his sword, and has the most experience training against, as finn was in charge of much of his upbringing and taught him most of the combat maneuvers that he knows. leif has extensive experience with lance and spear fighting, even if it’s not his go-to on the battlefield.

— AXE. the first time leif learned how to use an axe was when he arrived in fiana. i have about 300 headcanons on his bromance with othin and havan ( HIS FIGHTER BROOOOS ) but essentially after the initial mutual huffing and puffing and general horsing around and hazing that dudes do to each other when they’re teenagers, they developed a lot of respect for each other and the brothers became like family to leif as he grew attached to the community he had found in fiana and especially within the fiana freeblades.

it’s from primarily othin and havan that leif learned the axe part of training to become a master knight, and he finds that he enjoys the style. parts of it fit his kind of fighting better — as much as finn tried to teach him proper form, proper footwork, and clean maneuvers, leif largely learned how to fight by... well, being forced to for his life. and sometimes it feels nice to just grab an axe and start raging.

— BOW. i actually headcanon that the bow is one of the last things leif learned how to use in his desire to become proficient with every weapon. he picked up magic early, so for a long time he felt that was enough to handle ranged attacks. his exposure to the bow was largely a clutch one, i think — probably some battle where they needed to open fire on a distant enemy unit and he didn’t have a tome on him, so he kind of fished around for a fallen soldier’s bow, joined the archer unit taking aim, and did his best to emulate what he’d seen others do before. every little bit helped, after all. prior to that, he’d likely used a bow here and there before, mostly in his younger years and in fiana for hunting, but this was likely the first time he’d used it in combat.

he’s since taken to it, but doesn’t get the chance to use it much for the above reasons, so his skill with it comes and goes and he gets rusty. if he were to commit himself to training with one though, i think leif would be pretty decent at it. not enough for it to be a boon or a particular talent, but he’s stockily built and has the shoulder and arm span to make a good archer.

— GAUNTLET. brand new to leif! he’s engaged in hand to hand combat before, but obviously gauntlets are not a weapon in jugdral, and he’s eager to try out this new style of fighting. i think leif would probably be pretty good at it; he’s a brawling type of kid, doesn’t mind getting in the mud and tripping his opponents and scratching eyes if that’s what it takes to survive. despite being essentially raised by a knight. i don’t think he’d necessarily use them very often, and the knightly types common across jugdral aren’t likely going to be very open about what they’d see as a pretty barbaric way of fighting, but i think leif would enjoy learning yet another new style and seeing that traveling around means there’s plenty more different kinds of weapons he can pick up.

— REASON. while not necessarily a mage as his go-to and on the whole much more comfortable with physical weapons, leif has a reasonable foundation for magic given that his mother had a lot of magic in her blood. he can definitely cast well, though will probably never be fully comfortable handling high level tomes, preferring to leave those to the Real Mages who are much more skilled and qualified to be slinging those around. but anything C-rank and below, he’s happy to use.

leif took to magic largely for practical reasons: having range on the battlefield without having to rely solely on his light brand. the sword, which gives him some good range option, isn’t always enough to cut it, and sometimes he just needs more firepower. as with much of the rest of the weapon types he learned, he was tutored in magic rather informally by his peers: asvel and, later, sety, were his primary teachers in wind magic, and, combined with some of the other mages in the army, later fire magic as well. i headcanon that olwen was his primary tutor in thunder magic, and she was a strict teacher who taught him according to a long and proud freege tradition.

leif’s never going to rely too much on magic, but he can sling around an elfire or two with the best of them.

— FAITH. strangely, despite leif often being shown with his light brand and a stave ( courtesy of his first appearance outside of his home game being as a trickster in awakening’s lost bloodlines dlc ), i think that light magic is actually the hardest spellcasting for him to master. in jugdral, as in many other fe titles, light magic is its own category of magic separate from the anima trinity, which is reflected in a lot of jugdral’s stave users also being light magic users, or mages’ weapon ranks often prioritizing either anima or light magic.

whatever it is about light magic that makes it different, it causes leif a lot of difficulty. i think that, though he’s passable with it, he struggles to control it, and struggles to be able to summon up and cast the spells as easily as he can the others, even with a tome. this is reflected in leif’s weapon ranks as a master knight, where light magic is at C while he has A rank in everything else.

additionally, while leif is handy with a stave and definitely likes having one or two on him at all times in order to help out an ally whenever it’s needed, i have a headcanon that he’s on the whole more comfortable with support staves than he is with healing ones. he can handle a basic live / heal and even a relive / mend well enough, but anything higher than that and he’ll try to push it off onto a more qualified healer. this comes from a longstanding hc that a soldier under his care died of severe loptyr magic injuries — in terrible pain and just all around horrible to witness — despite leif’s best efforts with a restore stave, and the experience affected him deeply.

in terms of learning staves, of course i think nanna was the forerunner in helping him, but there were many others who would have been able to help tutor him as well: tina, linoan, sara, safy, to name a few.

— AUTHORITY. authority is both leif’s achilles heel and also one of his best points i think, hence it being down as a budding talent bane that, with time, turns into a boon. i think this most aptly reflects his character growth in both coming into the role he’s always been told he has to take, as well as his own growth as a person who struggles with feeling confident in said role.

it’s worth noting that in fe5, leif promotes from prince » lord, and then in fe4, from lord » master knight; i’ve long run with the theory that in fe5, leif is actually in a kind of like ‘ trainee ’ class stage, and this is actually why he’s such a lackluster unit in that game while he becomes one of fe4′s best gen2 units. and i think this has something to do with it.

leif has grown up knowing he’s the rightful heir to leonster and being groomed by everyone around him for the day he’s going to take back the throne. however, prior to the war actually starting, he has no experience leading. he’s been protected by finn and the various people who’ve agreed to hide him, and he’s just spent his life on the run. he has no leadership experience, any idea how to rally morale from a disheartened and hopeless population ( more than one NPC in fe5 is less than enthused about leif’s army coming in to ‘ make things worse for them ’, essentially ), or any idea how to be a prince. august and dorias are making pretty much all the plans and decisions for him, and he’s, in many ways, a figurehead who’s good at running into battle.

it’s not that leif doesn’t want to lead and be inspiring, but he doesn’t know how. he doesn’t have the scaffolding. finn was a knight, not a captain or a general, so he didn’t know how to teach him, either.

so, classically, leif goes a long time without knowing how to make decisions on his own. he knows what he wants to do, but the execution is planned by his advisers. i hc that the first time leif realizes he really has to lead is after dorias dies. because of his own poor leadership skill. his bad judgment costs him the life of not only one of his army’s leaders but also a very close father figure. after this, leif is forced to figure out how to be more proactive in taking command. and it’s one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do, because not only does he have little idea how to go about it, but he’s also already experienced a major failure.

of course, others help him a lot. august, selfina, xavier, linoan, olwen: people who are experienced in leadership positions. without each one of these people, leif would have floundered. as fe5 moves into fe4, he gains even more people to learn from and also picks it up from watching others like his cousin. he tries to contribute more to war meetings, tries to think more critically, learns from what others are saying and how they’re thinking.

and he continues to make mistakes. thankfully, none as big as the one that cost him dorias and nearly cost him the newly-reclaimed leonster castle, but he continues to do the wrong things sometimes. most of those times, there’s someone else there to check him. and each time, he feels the setback, he feels ashamed in himself, he questions whether he just isn’t good enough, will never be like celice and aless and the others. often, he considers just giving up. half the time, the only thing that stops him is that there straight up isn’t a ‘ give up ’ option; no one else can rule leonster.

but leif also has some qualities of a natural — and fantastic — leader. he never considers himself above anyone else, or more important than anyone else. he naturally wants to get to know everyone possible; he’s the ‘ everyman ’ king; he’s personable and selfless. people rally under him because he’s also their friend, and he’ll throw himself into ballista fire in order to buy time for them to escape a locked fortress without a second thought. he will never, ever leave a single ally behind. that’s the kind of person leif is; he’s not charismatic in the same way as sigurd, but he makes people want to follow him for a different reason.

for this, and because he works so hard to try and become even a fraction of what the people of new thracia need, authority is his budding talent, and eventually becomes a boon.

— HEAVY ARMOR. as mentioned on his doss. page, fandom likes to portray leif as small and slight, but i’ve headcanoned him as quite the opposite. both fe5 and fe4′s growths write him as more defensively oriented than speed-oriented. he has high bulk growths and middling-average speed growths. i headcanon him with a strong constitution: the kid’s stocky and it takes a lot to bring him down. he’s healthy, with a strong body; he withstood near-death by debilitating loptyr magic more than once.

his fighting style thus favors bulk. he’ll take hits so he can dish them back out just as hard or harder, and he’s as tenacious as a bulldog. he goes down and keeps getting back up, again and again. i keep talking about the ballista stunt until the day i die but that’s another example of Leif Being Leif TM.

he’d have a strong proclivity for heavy armor, i think, if he tried it, or at least fighting with a shield. i tend to imagine him on the battlefield with more armor than his official art shows him wearing, and it would certainly suit his preference of being at the head of the charge, taking hits for the rest of his allies.

— RIDING. i debated for a loooong time on whether to make this a boon as well, but aside from feeling like it was bad taste to give him essentially 5 boons and only 1 bane, i eventually decided not to because, despite his lineage, leif himself is surprisingly more fond of fighting on foot.

it’s incongruous. he’s descended from lance knights in a continent that’s so balls huge that pretty much everyone worth their salt is a mounted unit just so they can get places. both his parents were mounted units ( lance knight and troubadour ), both the people who raised him were mounted units ( lance knight and master knight ) and most of those closest to him are mounted units. leif does know how to fight on horseback ( hence promoting into master knight ), but i don’t think he has the natural inclination for it that one would expect.

i imagine that leif probably took to horseback fighting because a.) it was practical, especially if he wanted to stay at the front of the formation and b.) it’s what he’s expected to do as the prince of leonster and future commander of the lanze ritter. but beyond that, i headcanon that he’s more comfortable actually jumping off his horse in the midst of the fray after the initial charge and engaging the enemy on foot where possible. he feels more in control that way, and it’s just what he’s used to.

— FLYING. i also debated for a while on whether to make this a bane ahaha but in the end i decided not because i couldn’t think of much of a reason why it would be other than ‘ he’s not used to it ’. in jugdral, obviously only women are able to be pegasus knights ( and all from silesse, so unless you’re silesian, you just... don’t know what a pegasus is, i presume ), and wyvern riders are all from south thracia and leif is no way getting on a wyvern cause uh. those things killed his family and tyrannized him his whole life. no thanks. you’re lucky enough if he gets close to one and doesn’t immediately take out his sword.

so leif has never had any reason to be airborne. i think it’d probably freak him out a little bit; he’s too used to having two feet firmly on the ground and losing that solid control would spook him. i don’t think he’d really like fighting from the air or flying very much for that reason — not a fear of heights, since he doesn’t mind being in high places, but just... not his thing. but hey, the boy will try anything once and he might surprise me, so who knows.

[multiimuse]

☆☁ ☂ εжз❤❥❣✖♡ for the stray dogs :)

☆ : Would they ever wish upon a falling star? If so, what would they wish?

Chuuya - Please, as if there’s any value in something that stupid. You won’t catch him doing it. Make your changes yourself, get what you want yourself, and if you can’t, then it probably wasn’t worth wanting, anyway.

Alcott - Absolutely. It isn’t that she necessarily believes it will amount to anything, but there’s always the chance that it could. As for what she would wish for? Her family to be happy and whole again.

Ranpo - Depending on his mood at the time, yes. But he wouldn’t wish for anything serious; maybe that he’d win a lifetime’s supply of candy, or that a case comes it that isn’t boring and barely worth bothering with. ... The candy wish has better odds.

☁ : Describe how they would spend a stormy, overcast/rainy day.

Chuuya - He’s not one to pay too much attention to the weather, unless for some reason he’s spending a rare private day at home. If that’s the case, he’ll devote his time to one of his private hobbies. There is something to be said for writing poetry on a rainy day, after all. 

Alcott - Did you mean an excuse to bury herself in books? Because that’s what storms and rainy days are for her; she’ll stay inside with a good book and some tea and keep herself thoroughly occupied in the process.

Ranpo - If he has to go out on a case on a rainy day? He’ll spend it complaining and will absolutely require a bribe to get him to head out. If he has nothing to do he’ll hole up in the office with his snacks and computer card games; he’s not very fond of having to go out when it’s wet.

☂ : Storms or clear skies?

Chuuya - Clear skies. Storms are an inconvenience. (Though a fight in a storm is pretty damn fun sometimes.)

Alcott - She prefers storms, as long as she can stay inside and watch them without being exposed to them!

Ranpo - Clear skies, if mostly because particularly bad storms make it hard to do anything fun!

εжз : What about nature do they find calming? What about nature do they find disagreeable?

Chuuya - The ocean’s pretty calming, if you can find a place to watch it that’s away from the major ports. It’s relaxing to watch the water now and then. He doesn’t like how quiet and isolated heavily-natural areas tend to be, though: give him the city, give him places full of people and the things they create. It’s what he knows and what he’s comfortable with.

Alcott - She finds rainfall calming, along with falling snow and  warm fires. She doesn’t like when it gets too hot, and pollen is the bane of her existence every spring. ... Also, insects. They’re a part of nature, but they’re a part that she dislikes and thinks should stay away from her.

Ranpo - There’s really nothing in nature Ranpo finds calming, per se; it’s just kind of there, full of things to notice and remember if it involves a care but that can’t hold his attention on its own. Hm, maybe you could call that disagreeable, in a way?

❤ : Describe a physical action that shows complete trust. 

Chuuya - Generally, one of the easiest ways to tell if Chuuya trusts you is if he falls asleep on or near you. He can’t and won’t let himself rest around someone he doesn’t trust, bar overindulging in alcohol. So, then, if he falls asleep, he trusts you not to betray him or harm him or otherwise let him come to harm. (Using Corruption is also something of an exception, because he literally can’t stay awake after it ends; his body and mind need rest too much to let him remain alert in the immediate aftermath.)

Alcott - She’ll smile more, she’ll try to be helpful, and most importantly you’ll see her more often, because she won’t be hiding away as much when she gets shy and anxious. If she trusts someone, she feels safe enough to stay by their side, even when she’s scared. 

Ranpo - With Ranpo,when he trusts someone, he’ll listen to them. He’s naturally prone to trusting his own intellect and opinions above everyone else’s, so listening to and acknowledging others’ opinions and points doesn’t come easily to him. In fact this can be a struggle regardless, but that he’s willing to make the effort to try and to pay attention goes a long way toward showing how much he trusts a person.

❥ : Describe a verbal way they would express complete trust.

Chuuya - A verbal expression of Chuuya’s trust would have to be him admitting things about himself; things he isn’t comfortable bringing up or talking about --- vulnerable areas that would normally never be addressed at all. In addition, he tends to worry more openly about the people he trusts, which includes asking after them especially when he has cause for concern. 

Alcott - When she trusts someone, Louisa talks to them! She becomes more vocal. and while her uncertainty and anxiety aren’t gone, she can carry on full conversations, often at-length. In short, she’s more sociable when she trusts you, and it’s very, very obvious. (In addition, she’s much less afraid of voicing complaints and exasperation with the people she trusts completely, because she knows their reactions well enough to be sure it’s something she can handle.)

Ranpo - This one is hard to answer, because Ranpo is pretty open, verbally speaking. He’ll ramble about anything and everything anyway without caring whether or not it makes sense to anyone but him; he’ll whine and complain and demand ego-stroking from the world at large. His sign of trust is in the pauses, in holding his words back, in not complaining when he otherwise would be --- and, perhaps most significantly, with very specific people and specific circumstances, he’ll be straightforward and focused, dropping the whining and immaturity because there are things more important than his comfort zone.

❣: Describe a way that will earn affection (whether platonic or romantic) from them.

Chuuya - ...For one thing, don’t mock him. Don’t mock him or wind him up and manipulate him. Show an interest in his interests, appreciate his tastes, and don’t pry too much into details that he doesn’t want to share. Granted, to get to this point you already have to have built up a certain amount of trust with him, or else he’ll stay relatively neutral. And if you’re on his bad side, good luck. (That being said, if someone like Dazai stopped mocking him he’d be suspicious and somewhat concerned by default.)

Alcott - Keep her in tea and books, respect her need to have time to herself to think and plan, reassure her if her anxiety’s getting to be too much. Relatively simple things, really; she’s easy to please and doesn’t see a point in asking for much when it’s much better to appreciate what’s being given freely. It’s just good manners, really!

Ranpo - Give him candy, help him navigate the train system, get the marble out of the ramune bottle for him, apply liberal amounts of praise. More specifically? Treat him like a person, have patience with him (he knows he can be aggravating to say the least; he just doesn’t see a point in changing himself. He is how he is and that’s that. Try to give him mental challenges --- even if they end up too easy, he’s still appreciative when someone’s willing to try!

✖ : Describe a way to make them uneasy or apprehensive.

Chuuya - The main thing that bothers Chuuya is the threat of betrayal and a loss of control. If you want to make him uneasy you need to make him doubt the loyalty of the people he’s surrounded by (admittedly not an easy thing) or make him feel like he isn’t in control of himself, his life, or his future. It’s one thing to serve a good boys, it’s another to be jerked around like someone’s plaything on a string, and not only does the latter tick him off, an implication that he might lose that security is unnerving if you can get enough weight behind it to make it convincing.

Alcott - She’s something of a nervous person anyway, so it’s not hard to make her uneasy. In particular, however she doesn’t deal well with risk and uncertainties. That’s why she works so hard to try and cover every detail possible in her strategy plans, and why she wants to be prepared for any eventuality. Catch her off-guard and make her have to deal with that fear she has of things being unpredictable or dangerous and she’ll be unsettled for ages.

Ranpo - It’s not particularly easy to make Ranpo anxious; he’s smart enough to see most threats coming and he’s surrounded by capable people who know how to look after themselves. However, if Fukuzawa and/or the Agency is threatened, and it’s a real threat, one that he hasn’t yet figured out how to deal with, one that can’t be prepared for, he’ll be knocked off-balance. In fact, anything that threatens his security will make him a little apprehensive, but again that’s very hard to do because his safety net is so strong. (However looking at recent manga events... ahaha...)

♡ : Is there a certain scent that brings about nostalgia? If so, describe a memory this scent brings back.

Chuuya - There’s nothing that really evokes nostalgia in him, per se, but being near the docks when the fishing boats are bringing their catches sure does bring back one memory in particular. Mainly that of Dazai being dragged up in a fishing net along with the day’s catch, and the fact that he smelled like fish for a week afterword. He’ll never forget that incident.

Alcott - The scent of a fireplace will always make her feel a little nostalgic, especially if it’s accompanied by other sensory experiences such as soft music, particularly piano music. That particular smell reminds her of her early childhood, winters spent curled up together and listening to her father read to them all, or gathered around the piano while her middle sister played.

Ranpo -  Jasmine and lilies does this to Ranpo. That’s the scent of his mother’s favorite perfume, and smelling it reminds him of his life with his parents while they were still alive. Memories of the world making sense and being absolutely safe, knowing that adults who were smarter than him were looking out for him and loved him. He doesn’t (let himself) think about his parents too often, but that smell will take him right back every time.

[bytheanchorarchived]

headcanons compilation  ↬  jace herondale

a compilation of my scattered/posted (so far) jace herondale headcanons. i will be updating this as i post more.

i feel like there was a deep piece of jace that was afraid if he confronted alec about his feelings, and alec confessed, and he had to tell alec he loved him but not in that way, alec would leave him like everybody else, and he couldn’t live with that.

i don’t think jace realizes how much of alec’s self worth was always knit so tight to him. how deep the pain of his unrequited feelings really run. how it actually feels when jace starts to reject him (from his pov).

i feel like as much as jace loves alec, izzy and the lightwoods, desperately. since valentine left him, he never actually realized he belonged anywhere, until he met clary. i think that’s what makes him so attached to her. and also the lie so easy to believe when she feels so much like home. she makes him face his feelings. it is also funny that it was a process very similar to alec, meeting and trusting immediately, and wanting to be close and attached (like when he was already wondering if alec had a parabatai in sights, 3 hours after meeting him) and yet, he still felt like the stranger in the nest, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and even alec realize he wasn’t good enough, until the return of Valentine forced things out in the open and brought them closer than ever.

vampire academy au

facts about jace, he’s so neat and tidy (soldier style), that after one single night in magnus’ loft, he’d put everything so neatly away magnus complained he couldn’t find anything anymore. 

j@ce’s first kiss was with is@belle 

JACE AND ABUSE EXPERIENCE/REPRESENTATION

jace and his feelings towards climon

things jace does have time for:                          

                        -  petting cats, like church                          -  reading and quoting poetry and many other works                          -  playing the piano                          -  making his girl cheese sandwiches                          -  sleeping in his jammies                          -  thinking girls are badasses 

things jace wayland does not have time for:                          -  boxed labels

do you ever cry about the fact that most probably almost all the runes on jace’s left side were put there by alec?

jace is left-handed

jace didn’t always have perfect control over his extra strength, specially since he was used to training only with valentine, who was an adult at the time, which evened the field. when he first started training with alec and izzy he sometimes went too hard on them. izzy, at first, complained but alec never did, and would  if needed hide any markings left, because he didn’t want jace to feel bad about it, and because he wasn’t about to admit he couldn’t take it from a kid almost two years younger than himself. 

when i see people talking about jace being a puppy, i agree and for more than the standard reasons. yes, he is a stray, abandoned, and has the puppy pout and that golden hair everyone wants to get their hands in. but book!jace is also a puppy. he’s a puppy person because no matter how many times he’s kicked, he continues to love unconditionally and to be fiercely loyal, until that person (i.e. valentine) attacks someone ELSE he loves and is loyal to. he struggles so badly, because no matter what the person he loves does, he’s still gonna love them somewhere in his heart, and betraying people is the hardest thing for him to do, it takes all of his moral to stand up against someone he used to love, which is something i think wasn’t so well explored on the show, but it’s something i hold very close to my heart to my interpretation of jace. so yes, jace is a puppy. with happy smiles, affection starved, brave, loyal till the end of the world, ready to give his life for someone he loves without a second thought, and who loves unconditionally, no matter what the person he loves may do to HIM, as long as they don’t hurt or threaten the rest of his pack family.

not feeling like a good person is something that both alec and jace carry for very different reasons, and in two people that are so moral and were raised in such a lawful and righteous environment, that is an awfully dark weight to carry.

people say jace is a bad boy and das fine, but then jace was so kind, and loving, and pure, that even valentine loved him and gave him to the lightw00ds because he wanted him to be with a family who would love him and take care of him and give him another life, of peace.

when valentine compliments jace on something, he feels dirty. it’s like every time valentine does that, jace feels ashamed of himself, and of that ability, and kinda wants to take a shower. before he found out the truth, a compliment, or “good job” from his father was all he’d ever wanted, and whenever valentine approved of him (as michael wayland) it was the happiest he ever felt as a kid, it was so much better than any gift, and better than spaghetti. now he just feels embarrassed and used when valentine expresses love/approval of him, it makes him recoil and feel disgusted, but more at himself, than even the disgust he feels for valentine. 

things jace has likely had nightmares about, or fragments at some point:

               watching his father die in front of him.                valentine’s old punishment sessions.                clary and the scene from the fear demon.                valentine snapping the necks of people he loves like he did his falcon.                the people he loves and world around him starting to fall to pieces every time he touches it.                the ship.                the scenes valentine put in his head of the demon blood.                the silent brothers and their silent mutilated screams as they run around him,dying.

ok, listen. alec learned how to treat, talk, and deal with, help, someone after strong trauma, growing up with jace. growing up with jace, he learned that you don’t just touch someone that is going through an episode because of abuse/trauma or other strong case of overwhelming emotion. he learned that unwanted affection can be just as bad as violence, or indifference, and that the BEST thing he can possibly do is let the other person know he’s there, and let them tell him what they need. alec never goes straight to jace physically, when he’s upset, unless he initiates it, or jace gives him a clear indication of what he needs (indication that to parabatai that grew up together can be just a look of permission). he RESPECTS the fact that his need to help the people he loves, should not, is not, and will never be more important than what that person needs or wants. he respects the fact that he DOESN’T know what a person with trauma needs better than themselves, and he knows that even silent support, or just making sure the person is safe, can make a huge difference. he accepts and understands the fact that someone during or after a traumatic event, or traumatic memories of that event, might not WANT or be able to HANDLE affection at all, and he’s ready to give it only, and only if, the person indicates that’s what they need. jace TRUSTS alec to be there for him, because he KNOWS alec won’t push him, or overwhelm him, or even so much as touch him without permission. and sometimes, though not always, just to know that he can have this small power and agency over his own body and what happens to it, and who touches it, and how, can be enough to wind him down a notch.

forget the idea that jace is anything but endlessly respectful and admiring of women 2k17.

there are several reasons why valentine did what he did to both his sons (specially jon), it wasn’t gratuitous, or because he “has no humanity” (because the terrifying part is he does, and LOVED them). one of the reasons why he did what he did, was because he knew he had two boys in his hands that were going to grow in power as much as elephants to a ant, compared to him, and if he DIDN’T make sure he twisted them, and controlled every single aspect of their lives, and was there for every single thought of them, and convinced them that the little piece of rope could hold them back the rest of their lives, one day they were going to wake up and at the smallest disagreement with his plans, trample all over him and leave everything he had in ruins, and burn the world down in their wake. he had to make sure they were both convinced they were broken and he was the only one that could ever cure them, or hold their pieces together, or withstand their curses, and no one else would ever be able to love them, or withstand being loved by them, so they’d never even try to tug at their chains, or even knew they were chained at all.

if you want any more evidence of how completely he isolated and controlled jace, think about the fact that not only he was the only person jace ever knew or talked with, lived with, and heard truths from. jace wasn’t even allowed to read ANY books that weren’t specifically assigned to him. and taking books from someone, taking knowledge and the ability to freely dive into other worlds and know other thought processes than those YOU believe in, is the most basic way to control anyone in the world.

lowkey both alec and jace are oddly attracted to magnus’ lack of belly button.

jace learned how to dress sharply with valentine

cc once said that it was entirely possible valentine would have resorted to more violent methods with jace as he grew up (i.e. whipping like he did sebastian), should jace not obey like he wanted him to. and that there’s a good chance he just never did before because he gave jace away when he was ten, and therefore still too young to need something like that.

i feel like jace passes by the bane-lightwood residence once in a while just to clean, because if he didn’t, between alec and magnus they’d drown in the mess.

i wrote this before, but, still p sure that whenever jace babysits, or stays over at the loft, he cleans and organizes it completely, and when malec comes back from their date, he’s sitting on the couch reading a book like, nope, don’t know what you’re talking about, but also like, DID YOU KNOW I FOUND A PACIFIER UNDER YOUR PILLOW, how do you two even live in this place. 

sometimes jace thinks if his mom hadn’t killed herself would things had turned out any differently, or would valentine had just done it himself and took him regardless, or would she had gone with him willingly and lied to her own son?

reminder that jace has no idea she was in fact killed, and still thinks she took her own life.

also, they forgot to say valentine beat the crap out of jace for trying to read that journal.

to my jace, valentine never iratzed him, because not only was he a little young for runes, an iratze was a sign of weakness, because you are supposed to withstand and control pain, not let it control you, and you’re not supposed to get injured in the first place. so every time valentine beat him he healed as a mundane, which is why he has every mark, scar, and bruises valentine left him with when he goes to the lightwoods, and gets sad when the latter ones fade. 

when in the books sometimes jace has such bad days of hating himself he can’t even allow clary to keep kissing him because he can’t allow himself to deserve what he wants the most. 

things jace likes: belly kisses - hair petting, tugging, playing - being marked by his partners with hickeys and fingerprints - sharing control.

when valentine died, jace still wished him farewell.

no one has ever wanted to be good as desperately as jace herondale does.

i wrote this before but i think i never tagged it and i just saw it’s not on my compilation. i have this headcanon that maryse loves jace’s golden hair and that since he was a kid, whenever she was able to, she’d bring him special shampoo from idris trips, something that was handmade (nephilim ingredients), and she’d put it in jace’s bathroom for him to use. 

if you ever doubt how cute jace herondale is, just remember his fondest memory of valentine is jace running towards him and being picked up and held.

jace still loves valentine, still remembers parts of his childhood with love, and wonders often if it makes him a horrible or twisted person.

what valentine says: to love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be the one destroyed.

what jace hears: my love is destructive for others, and people that love me will be destroyed too.

AKA JACE DOESN'T BELIEVE ALL LOVE IS DESTRUCTIVE JUST HIS OWN BUT ALSO BC VaLENTINE TOLD HIM HE'S A CURSE TO PEOPLE SO THERE'S THAT BUT HE THINKS IT WAS HIS LOVE FOR THE FALCON THAT BROKE IT AS  IN HIS ALONE BC HE'S BROKEN

another thing jace and i share, which is not a big deal but, is that i have always fidgeted with stuff, or my own fingers, my hands, always taking off and putting on rings, and playing with them, or just touching stuff in general, which gives me a sense of contact and knowledge when i can not only see something but touch it, i also touch people like on the arm or the shoulder when talking at times, for reassurance.

i have been sitting emotionally on this for a while, and just… this makes so much sense of so many things. why valentine chose céline, for stephen. it had nothing to do with luke or amatis, but with the girl he was already picking out to produce the type of shadowhunter warriors he wanted. it makes so much more sense of how he treated jace, how he expected jace to be tempered by his kind of upbringing, the same one he was subjected to, and céline was apparently subjected to and that he thought had made her stronger, and he thought would made jace stronger too. he probably felt that stephen, though had the herondale blood, didn’t have much of personal strength, and he thought céline would give that to the next warriors in the herondale line. it also makes sense of why he picked céline and stephen, instead of robert and maryse, because he saw something of himself in céline, and probably thought the herondale blood would be the best to mix angel blood to. at least in my head. it makes sense of why he was so “frustrated” that his treatment of jace didn’t seem to harden him, or at least not in the way he wanted it. i wonder what part that played in him having hodge kill céline. if he thought of it as a waste, as he’s said of other shadowhunters, or if hodge got out of hand in trying to overpower her, and valentine was angry. or not. idk this just gave me a lot of feelings and a lot things to think about. it also seems to open a window into where a lot of jace’s pre-disposition to things comes from. like being in awe of the person who said he was special, and being so easy to believe that he had no true worth, and that self destructiveness that is so distinct in him. 

i have no idea how people think jace is a tough bad boy, or blasé, or unloving, or super sexual, wth are you thinking honestly? clary tells him she recognizes he loves the lightwoods like family, and jace gets so emotional over his family, over his girlfriend recognizing his love for his family, he has to pull her away to tell her he loves her. twice. and then says “i don’t say it often enough but i love you” seriously people. he pulls her into an alley, not to make out, but because he loves her so much, he can’t stand waiting to say it until they’re in private. because she makes him remember what’s important in life, because she recognizes his family. and then they kiss ONLY because both of them were trying to brush lips at the same time and things get out of hand, and before that as it always happens when he’s with her, his heart is beating wild. this boy. this soft soft boy. has his heart stammering any time he’s close and alone with his girlfriend, no matter how much time has passed, and just as he tells her he loves her. 

character development questions

i know people say this all the time, and see the validity of going that way, and i can see it being something on the back of his head, but, honestly, jace is not really scared of having children? he loves them as much as alec does, really. when he got to the lightwoods, before he even said hi to them, a toddler max was attaching himself to his legs and jace never once winced, made a face, or pulled away. he later gave max his very last and only childhood toy, one he probably carved himself. max loved him because jace was “far more tolerant of him than his big siblings,” and jace felt warm and happy when max looked at him like he was a hero. losing him nearly killed jace. and then when alec adopts max ii, jace keeps looking at them longingly, and after his very natural first apprehensions on holding him go away, he never wants to let him go, and is completely enamored of him. and when clary asks if he could even imagine having a kid at their age, jace is like……….. yeah, i can. i wouldn’t mind having them, and blushes. jace all he’s ever wanted is to have a family, to be a part of a family, and earning the lightwoods for good was a huge step in that direction, but so are kids. he’s all for commitment, and he’s all for settling down, and he’s all for having a family, and he’s a 18 yo boy who longs for, imagines, daydreams about, getting married and having babies, adopted or otherwise, bc he loves having kids around.

friendly reminder that jace canonically: - likes holding hands - nearly blushes when clary looks at him too long - calls himself (and jacket) snugly - wears matching pjs and calls them jammies - uses his dangerous dagger to cut up apples - loves horses - loves birds - asked for an spaghetti bath as birthday gift - always wanted to know what having a mom is like - imagines himself having babies with clary, and their future, at 17 - can’t find his way out of a paper bag fallen sofa - thinks one of the worst things that ever happened to him was knowing why magnus was baned from peru. - thought sebastian was valentine’s boyfriend

jace is the kind of boy that always goes for the hand, knuckles, wrist, shoulder, forehead, cheek, kiss first. if you notice he never goes right to the mouth. there’s always a little touch, a brush of the hair, a kiss somewhere that’s not sexual, before the french kiss or anything else.

i’ve said this before but my headcanon is that valentine started jace’s training lightly at age 5 and then hard training at age 6, which was also when he stopped picking him up, and stopped touching him, or letting jace touch him, or giving him any affection (he was indignant that valentine would let jon touch his shoulder, but remembered when he was younger and valentine would pick him up and hold him), because he thought it’d make him tougher (since he showed no problems with touching jonathan or jonathan touching him). so from age 6, to age 10, when max hugs his legs, he was legit the first person that had hugged him in 4 years, which was probably why jace was so stunted. not to say right after that maryse touches his hair, so he was just frozen there like, thinking if he moved they’d pull away (which is shown by the fact he does not pull away from max, or makes a face, or gives any indication that he dislikes the hug, he’s just baffled).

also son of th.e da.wn confirmed to me what i already knew, valentine probably rarely (if ever) iratzed jace, bc 1. he probably wanted jace to just deal with it and learn to withstand injuries without complaint or succumbing to pain (pain is what you make of it). 2. he taught jace that getting hurt was weakness, so i doubt jace would ever ever ask for one, no matter how badly he needed it, as his first reaction to alec saying maybe maryse could do that was NO, because he didn’t want her to know he’d got injured (failed) at all. 

ok but, clary and jace definitely have a rule where jace is not allowed into her studio without supervision. it was set after clary got home one day and he’d cleaned it.

you know, y’all always be talking aobut how izzy defends alec and was there for him during the break up and threatened magnus etc and that’s great but what about all the times she was there for jace?? she gave clary the “i like you but i hate that you hurt my brother and hope we never see your face again, and if you hurt him more i will hurt you” speech. when giving said speech she tells clary how she’d always been worried about jace that the abuse he suffered from valentine / michael had damaged his ability to really connect to anyone else aside from their family, and clary had changed that. when jace went on his suicide mission to kill valentine, izzy tracked him downbecause she couldn’t let him die thinking he was valentine’s son, aka, she couldn’t let him die at all thinking he was a monster’s son and thinking he had no hope with clary. she cut off sebastian’s hand to save him and risked her life for him. she defend him from imogen when imogen came to arrest him for going to see valentine on his ship and lied to her (the clave’s inquisitor) risking herself, and her own deruning, to protect him. when he disappeared after lilith she was so worried she was a mess, and for the first time in her life asked for someone to comfort her because she couldn’t handle the thought of losing another one of her brothers for good. when the iron sisters said they couldn’t help jace and they should accept his fate, she told them to shut up, that they were being useless twats, that they were heartless cold ass non human beings and stormed off on them like a boss queen, when jocelyn was being heartless as hell and talking about jace and everyone else like the enemy yet again, she told her to stop goddamn whining and that if she were a better mother maybe her daughter would trust her at all and be a better soldier for it, and not be in peril, and that not jace nor anyone else was to blame for it but herself. jace taught her the difference between pity and compassion, and wanting to help others for your own ego and because you love them. he also gave her respect, love and admiration in return and she loved him immensely for it. he saw her as a soldier before anyone else did and she never forgot. so yes, alec is her brother and she loves him dearly and they have a wonderful bond. but izzy and jace’s relationship is also beautiful as all fuck. they’re two children whose fathers broke their hearts, and built walls so high all around them they didn’t know how to trust anyone else but each other and alec and max. jace dragged himself through the doors of death, bleeding into his goddamn lungs to kill sebastian, because he could hear izzy’s screams. isabelle charged at sebastian knowing she could not win, knowing he’d likely kill her, because she couldn’t let him kill jace and cut his goddamn hand off. these two love each other so goddamn fucking much. jace tells clary how isabelle doesn’t think herself beautiful because she’s not petite or delicate, which is clearly implied as absurd, since he tells clary, you’re just as beautiful as isabelle, and he also sees them both as just as strong and heroes. jace thinks of her as brave, wonderful, wonderful, izzy, the only one that could keep up with him on the training mat. they admire the fuck out of each other. they defend the fuck out of each other. they literally almost died for each other countless times before. so stop dismissing them. they have their own, separate, unique, beautiful, amazing, wonderful, bond. they understand each other in their own beautiful, unique, way. and nothing can replace that.

headcanon that jace buys clary those “paint” and “coffee” labelled mugs, but also puts stick notes on things like “shampoo” “paint” and “edible paste” and “for canvas only”.

how many hours do you think jace spent, alone with his father’s “body” waiting for the clave to show up? not even knowing they would, just standing there. did he know to ask for help? did he start walking lost and bloody into the forest, trying to get to alicante? did valentine set up that the clave be alarmed? how much time it took for them to get jace? 

in addendum, i will ALWAYS  follow book plot for my jace and alec. so NO jace did not consider maryse a mother until the events of valentine happened, he loved her like one but he had not the faintest idea that she might love him back. he was not called brother or son, he was not called a lightwood, not until the arch with maryse happened, and she confessed she loved him, and had been afraid to admit it, and he started calling her mom, and himself a lightwood. he was NOT a part of the family for the first few years, and that INFLUENCES his self love, his reaction to family, and how slow he was to open up to them. he felt like he belonged with alec FIRST, then he felt a part of the family after maryse said he was and claimed him as her son and BECAME his foster parent. so regardless of verse, this is how things are gonna go down.

reminder that (mine at least) jace has burn scars all around both his wrists from the time he almost lost both hands when imogen cuffed him with special cuffs that burned off the skin, tightening more every second and that made injuries the iratze can’t heal. reminder izzy bandaged him.

friendly reminder that the only sparring partner that can keep up with jace is isabelle. she is also the only one that can hold her own against jonathan for even a minute, before he gets the upper hand, besides jace. she was his favorite spar partner because she could keep up with him, not exactly on the same level, but very close. they are both spar experts, and that is their field of excellence, among others. it’s their thing. also there is a reason why jace is considered the fastest, strongest, fiercest, his angel blood isn’t just on name, or just when fighting enemies, he IS, stronger, faster, and a better fighter than anyone else but jonathan, that’s just how it is. just like alec is the best archer among them and jace isn’t because it isn’t what he trained to become an expert at. not being an equal to jace is not a shame or a demeanor, it’s just reality, you can be a kickass shadowhunter, but not having angel blood is not having angel blood, there’s no workaround it. izzy trained several years and worked her ass onto becoming a spar specialist that could start keeping up with jace. she did that because jace kicked her ass in their first sessions, and then she stopped being sorry for him, and grew respect for him and decided she wanted to try and be just as good. not everyone went down the same path, and not everyone has to. just like she knew only a couple languages, while jace knew several. characters are different and specialties are different.

if you had doubts jac.e doesn’t really know bisexuality is a real thing, and isn’t aware that it’s an actual valid option, he tells al.ec in cob that if the down.worlders is interested in his “highly private areas” he won’t be interested in is.abelle’s. he also tells cl.ary the instructor can’t possibly be a hotter male than he is, and she’s like, well, don’t be narrow-minded, it could be a hot female too.

look at how uncomfortable and frustrated he looks. look at the tension on his jaw, and the veins popping on his throat. look at the way he grinds his teeth and tries to breathe when he realizes there’s nothing he can do. look at the way when he closes his eyes his throat looks tight like he can’t breathe right, and his eyebrows draw together. we can even see his shoulders bunching up and his chest expanding when he tries to break out by force. jace hates being bound. jace specially hates having his wrists bound. jace hates being helpless that way. (don’t forget his book self almost had both his hands cut off by being forcefully bound by fire cuffs) if he loves you and you want his obedience he will GIVE it you, FREELY. do not tie jace up. do not tie his WRISTS up. he will let you. but that right there. the beginnings of a panic attack he’s stepping down onto for clary’s and his dignity’s sake, that’s how he’ll feel. he manages to focus on his anger later, but he’s literally so frozen he doesn’t even remember to try and channel his energy and use his powers before he sees her about to die. he just tries to yank his hands free as if he doesn’t know any better.

jace and how his bedroom changes with his identity

ok but, in whichever verse i always think jac.e and clar.y would have a joint room where they live, with both a corner for cl.ary to paint with wide windows for her to see the scenery and another where jac.e’s piano is. j.ace plays and cla.ry instead of having her earphones on, listens to him while she paints / draws.

trivia: jace doesn’t have tanning lines, jace has lower back dimples.

jac.e would also be proud to be told he is the hot girl.

do you ever think about maryse cutting jace’s hair, giving him good clothes, keeping him comfortable, petting him, telling him how handsome he is, and cry.

do you ever wonder if val.entine went from picking jac.e up and hugging him from not allowing jac.e to as much as touch his shoulder because after he started physical punishment with jac.e he couldn’t be that close to him and still stand to do it? also do you ever think about the fact that for what i estimate as four/three years (from 6 to 10 or 7 to 10) jac.e wasn’t touched or couldn’t touch anyone unless it was training or punishment?

just to explain where this comes from. jac.e sees sebas.tian (jonathan) putting a hand on valentin.e’s shoulder, like normal family touch and he’s not even surprised, he’s outraged, he thinks about how his father would had never allowed him to touch him like that, and keep his hand there for as long as jonath.an did. like it really bothers him, you can tell this wasn’t some light rule. however, when grieving vale.ntine, he remembers being picked up and hugged when he was little, so there obviously was a transition there. at some point val.entine decided he could no longer give jac.e affection like that or allow jac.e to do the same. and since he obviously doesn’t show the same concern with jonath.an i don’t think it has to do with training. i think it has to do with why he gave up on twisting jac.e and realized he just couldn’t do it and sent him to the lightwo.ods. was it in part because jac.e was “too soft hearted and loving”? yes, but i think it also was because even without it he couldn’t do it, he’d have certainly quit sooner if they kept their relationship that close and intimate (in the father-son, familiar sense) while he was trying to see jac.e as a killer on formation, as a weapon to his plans, double to his son and nothing else.

do you ever think j.ace keeps everything so clean because he always feels his hands are constantly covered in blood.

jace and valentine and the abusive relationship + overcoming it, song drabble of sorts

jace and archetypes

ok but j.ace going from you love me like a son? “you never sung for me when i was little, like you did for a.lec or izz.y, i used to listen to you sing for them, mary.se” on cog to “yeah my mom is an important member on the concl.ave and relies on that guy a lot.” on cofa. do you ever cry?

also do you ever think about the fact m.aryse was the only parent that thought to give jac.e a name that was all his and an identity to go with it.

listen those blue jammies were alec’s once, bc maryse bought them to match his eyes, only alec didn’t like them so much because they were too bright, and so she gave them to jace, which is why neat-freak jace sleeps in clothes that have a hole in it. bc alec made it and they were alec’s jammies.

the proudest moment of isabelle’s childhood happened after jace arrived and she won a sparring session with him for the first time. she used to win over alec all the time, but she always suspected he let her, that he didn’t go as hard on her as he could because he was afraid to hurt her, or because he just knew how much she liked to win. it wasn’t that it was easy, no, but 1zzy knew it also wasn’t as difficult as it could be. her first sessions with jace, isabelle tried to be gentle on him. jace was skinny as though he’d never been fed properly and covered in bruises and she knew his past from her mom, and felt sorry for him. when jace first landed her on her ass, 1zzy stopped feeling sorry for him, and started to love him. jace never seemed to think she was delicate or special, or that he had to let her win, jace liked to win as much she did and he made her such a better shadowhunter for it. sometimes they’d practice for hours, but jace he sparred like an adult, not like a child, and he gave isabelle a run for her money most days. it was also when 1zzy realized if she was gonna win this it’d be by betting on their differences and on her best features. when she caught the surprised look on jace’s face just before he went down, she had never felt more warm or proud of herself, happy. jace didn’t moan, complain, or accused her of being unfair. instead, he stared at her wide eyed, and then he started smiling, and then he laughed, and isabelle laughed with him. their training sessions were a lot more balanced since, and neither of them backed down, or was ever afraid of hurting the other, winning at alternate times and having fun regardless, because isabelle found a form of high and pleasurable respect in jace’s refusal to let her take advantage, or give it to her, and she found she loved it. and she found she loved him. and she knew the moment she landed him on his ass, jace loved her too.

do you ever think about the fact ja.ce hadn’t co-lived with v.alentine since he was 10 but he still knew va.lentine wouldn’t let him touch him that way, aka, put a hand on his shoulder? i wonder at what point his memories of val.entine picking him up and holding him and ja.ce feeling the safest he’d ever been, changed to him knowing father didn’t like to be touched, or u know give or receive affection, which to an affectionate person like jac.e must have been hard to say the least.

do you ever think about isabelle and jace pranking alec and giggling in the corner?

also please consider i don’t take the quote from show “best shadowhunter of his generation” for my jace, i take “best of his time” from the books, which means, best of any and all shadowhunters of all ages, everywhere, as long as he’s alive.

also i may point out i take “skinny” as starved, because as observing as alec always is, for a child to find another “skinny” - specially considering alec himself was probably always on the slimmer side - it very probably doesn’t really mean “they were thin”. i take it for my jace that his feeding habits weren’t regular in the least (specially when valentine left to take care of jon) and probably punishments involved food in some way too (or tests of resilience, since jace probably had to be trained to think and still fight in his prime when tired or hungry). also adult jace doesn’t care much about food, even if he has his preferences, he never seems bothered by not eating, or terribly minding eating or not eating either way. so probably since he was a kid some days there was food and some days there wasn’t and he just grew up used to it.on normal days he eats as regularly as he remembers, but when under stress it’s the last thing on his mind. (he probably barely got fed at all in the ship)

jace herondale is not the best shadowhunter of his “generation”, he’s the best shadowhunter of his TIME, i.e. of ANY shadowhunters of ANY age, while he’s alive.

you know what i just realized? remember when clary first goes with them to taki’s and alec is talking to jace (chattering) and jace seems to be elsewhere, and clary is like, damn jace (as were we reading). now i’m just thinking, that that makes so much sense. since i started therapy and stuff, i’ve learned that my dissociation is connected to the emotional abuse i’ve suffered, and i do that same thing a LOT sometimes, because a lot of chatter at the same time sometimes is hard to handle, and a lot of times i just can’t pay attention, and my head just drifts and i do not hear a word people say to me, and it’s always made people around me get angry at me (my mom specially called me thoughtless and selfish, saying i was doing it on purpose) so yeah. in the middle of everything that’s going on, jace not being able to listen to alec’s story? makes complete sense. 

show (till 2A)

drabbe: shower panic attacks post valentine’s ship experience (show)

drabble: jace and almost losing alec, parabatai lost (show)

drabble: jace and realizing magnus loves alec, parabatai lost (show)

drabble: jace and if clary ever actually asked him to kiss her again

drabble: jace after inadvertently activating the soul sword (show)

drabble: jace and those of demon blood ending (show)

drabble: jace and the aftermath of demon blood ep (show)

drabbled: jace and not feeling real after day of atonement (show)

alec did feel it when jace tried to kill himself during the trial. in fact, he felt jace’s anguish and despair, and he got hit by it hard, which is what ultimately made him vulnerable for the demon possession and attracted it to him, in the first place. jace’s anguish through the bond knocked alec’s guard down and got him possessed.

alec was serene and happy earlier when he talked to magnus. he was worried about jace, but he was so certain jace would be back in an instant that he wasn’t tortured by it. sure the demon possessions were scary and all, but alec isn’t a scared little child, and he knows better than to let his guard down. he wasn’t vulnerable, he was feeling grateful to be alive, to have jace back, to have magnus.

so why and how would the demon get in him? the most logic explanation is that jace was in such terror and pain and anguish that it seeped through the bond, and hit alec. which then, for my alec, drove his possessed self to clary’s room looking for her, where he found jocelyn instead.

there is a reason for why alec never sensed jace’s hook ups before, but 🇯🇦🇨🇪 felt it when alec and magnus first had something intimate with each other. the reason being that what jace felt and called happiness was actually a mix of intimacy, safety, yes, pleasure, but above all, love. since jace has never been in love before clary, and never had the chance to have something more with her, alec never felt the same from him. which is why it was a big surprise when he found out jace felt it, and it’s something he’s definitely to this day not entirely comfortable with. when clary and jace finally have their moment, alec will probably feel it too. it is certainly one of the reasons for his jealousy and pain in the first season, as he’s felt many things from jace towards girls before, but had never sensed him actually falling in love with someone else, until her.

do you ever cry about the fact that, from what we know from jace, and from inverted!jace, that THIS is how jace would have been like - absolutely - had valentine not tried so hard to twist him? he did try, so hard, with abuse, mental games, beatings, telling jace again and again that everything that made him special, also made him a force of destruction, a killer, and a curse to all he loved and that loved him. and jace still was a golden boy. but all those layers of irony, sarcasm, hurt, nonchalance, and walls for miles, they wouldn’t be there if jace had been raised by his parents. and jace would be this talented, big hearted, big ball of sunshine, full of smiles, full of love (so much love that valentine tried to beat it out of him for ten years and at the end left him, because he found out he couldn’t accomplish it, jace still loved more fiercely than he could ever make him stop) and kindness, but still spirited and fun and outspoken, and BRAVE. and this hurt me so fucking bad when i read this the first time

ok but, one of jace’s most humiliating moments post ship/torture/trial mess, was having valentine tell him off, as michael, about clary making him weak (making him stay behind to heal). jace has mourned this father his entire life, based his moral, self worth, and life mission on this man. and almost the first thing he says when he gets him back, is being disappointed on him, for letting himself be taken care of by a girl.

that’s the thing that started to eat away on him. the first little seed he planted, when valentine realized jace was just starting to heal from the things he was taught, because of clary. and then it extended to alec and izzy and needing to be the leader, and call the shots, and make the hard choices, and prove himself no matter what. that was the humiliating little start of that whole mess.

things jace has likely had nightmares about, or fragments at some point:

         the ship.         the scenes valentine put in his head of the demon blood.         drowning in the buckets of cold water, drowning in the hudson.         discovering alec actually died because of the adamas and reality is a dream.         j0celyn shooting arrows at him / trying to kill him, hunting him.         being trapped in the city of b0nes and the cursed cells.         being surrounded / trapped / covered in piles and piles of dead downworlders.

so…. here is the thing. i feel like i need to do a psa as a jace writer. i don’t know how to write jace completely canon at this point. i don’t know how to be in his head, i don’t know how to deal with his feelings moving forward, and justify future interactions and relationship build ups from how it is now, unless it’s for an specific au.so here’s the thing,unless you specifically tell me differently / ask me / plot with me, jace’s default canon verse from this point forward assumes that at some point in history, after the inverted!world episode, he had some / any / a smidge at least of indication from clary that her feelings were true. if you’d like that not to be assumed, please talk to me and we can plot how that would go down, specifically. that indication can be a conversation, can be a redo of the last two episodes, can be even her being sheepish or anything like that. a look, a smile, a word, a future interaction post this episode, you can specify to me privately if you’d want to.

jace was in white last episode because he was in mourning of his parents. he wanted to pay his respects. (the fairy folk)

for weeks after alec dies for a second, jace has repeated nightmares of re-living that scene, only alec never comes back and jace in the dream thinks reality is the illusion. it messes him up for a while, where he needs to touch alec to know he’s real and there and alive, and jace wakes up gasping and while he’s dreaming he at times chants the ‘please don’t leave me, alec’ hoping this time he will get to live. some times in those dreams alec is killed by wolves, or by valentine’s hand because jace refuses to obey. some times he wakes up with his parabatai rune burning.

also portrayal wise i’m chalking up jace’s behavior to re-reading those journals and going through all of that again and it making him emotionally stunted for a lil while, specially the very next day.

okay but, on that topic, do you really think jace’s “i know you don’t consider me family” came out of nowhere? jace just found out the real jonathan is out there, and clary’s sudden despair to meet him, when jace thought that was maybe the lasting connection they had, is not striking him wrong for just one reason. he specifically said “i know you don’t consider me family” probably because he’s been feeling like he lost all of his, but for this new grandmother he isn’t even sure he can trust, or that loves him at all, other than to have someone to carry on the family name and be a new family trinket. he JUST read those journals that brought everything back from valentine, not only things he went through, but lessons, things valentine taught him and that he took years to disassociate from. none of the lightwoods seem to need him at all anymore, that wasn’t just for clary, that was from everything he’s been feeling lately. he doesn’t even know if he’s a person at this point, at times, and having his grandmother treat him like a prize she needn’t get to know and the lightwoods close off on him, clary  making him believe she doesn’t love him anymore, and now the real jonathan is alive? OF COURSE jace feels replaced, and that is not clary’s fault nor would he ever blame it on her, but seriously, how could he feel anything else? who does he feel like even needs him anymore? how can he know he’s not just failed experiment n.o2 and that’s all he’’ll ever be? a novelty, a freak, and valentine’s double for his real son? he wasn’t areal son to valentine as he feels it rn, and he isn’t clary’s real love, or real family, and apparently he might never have been a real part of the lightwoods family, so what is he?

jace still thinks of all the faces of the people he killed in the ship while he thought they were valentine. he wonders how they got there. if they were really evil or just following orders they didn’t understand and his father’s compelling, tortuous, arguments. did they know he was gonna kill them when valentine runed them every new day? or did they think they could be the ones to win over this time? did valentine order them not to fight him back as well as they could? did that keep them from fighting their best and made it easier for jace to take their lives? did they have families waiting for them? or no one at all? could they had been saved if taken to the clave and to live surrounded by actual shadowhunter culture and values? and most of all. will jace ever stop building a pile of corpses around him?

the only way i accept ja.ce being the one to ask to keep his death a secret from everyone it’s because he’s afraid clar.y will be prosecuted for raising the dead, like she almost was in the books (and also that it was hard for him to accept and spread around that his father had killed him).

btw, i know the show put val.entine writing jac.e on the journal, but i will never accept that for my jac.e. val.entine calls him jonathan and only jonathan. mar.yse gave him the nickname jac.e as she gave alexand.er ale.c, and isabell.e izz.y, maxwe.ll max, etc. it was her way of claiming him as her son, and she was the only parent that ever bothered to really name him, so no. val.entine just called him by the name of michae.l’s son he murdered. j.ace was given to him out of love by  mar.yse.

do you know how much it takes to knock j.ace out like valenti.ne’s men did? 1. jac.e is used to it, to getting punched, hit, etc, as a normal person he’d already be harder to knock out, he’s like any boxer, he’s not gonna fall because of a little punch. he was raised by val.entine he’s more than used to it. and then you add on his angel blood? and the fact those were mostly inexperienced untrained fighters, who aren’t necessarily the best at hitting someone with efficiency? now try to imagine how long they stayed at it for ja.ce to actually lose consciousness. afterwards at the bar, he is mangled by the were.wolves and he still manages to stumble out. so imagine what it takes to actually knock him out and make them douse him in cold water to wake him up again.

i feel like i stated this before but? i don’t follow show ages (if they have them?????) i follow book canon. so since the one clear age we have is clary at 18, that makes my jace and izzy half an year older at 19 and alec between 20 and 21.

also reminder that my jace died like in the books, standing up to valentine confronting him about everything valentine had taught him, holding a sword to his throat and offering him his last words as an honorable kill. he was struck by a sword, not a pocket knife, and valentine begged him not to make him hurt him, didn’t just come at him from the back like a coward.

i know they put a lot of runes on his left arm bc they probably think it’d be his most convenient place to draw, but since jace is actually left handed i now just stare at how many runes alec drew on him, more than jace drew on himself, and cry.

my jace wasn’t killed from behind. my jace wasn’t killed with a pocket knife. my jace wasn’t taken by surprise. my jace stood proud and suffering ante his father and took the sword to his throat. my jace was ready to give him his last words,before valentine summoned the sword. my jace was killed by his father bc if he didn’t, jace would kill HIM. my jace died a warrior’s death. my jace died with honor.

headcanon hour: jace in the show verse did go to valentine’s funeral and didn’t just watch it from afar. since j0celyn is dead, and clary chose not to go, jace and luke are alone at the service. jace doesn’t really say a word, not even their usual greeting. he just stands there in his soldier position and watches. it’s a very emotional, complicated moment for him. he remembers his childhood, the good and the bad, and valentine holding him through his death. luke being there makes him feel better.

tbqh my jace would struggle with this. you have to remember that despite everything and despite having pushed himself through misery to get ready to kill him, himself, jace still LOVES valentine, and having the one girl he loves more than everything kill him like that? of course he understands, of course he knows it was needed, of course he knows she did it to save people, he knows all of that, but love is irrational, and it wouldn’t just go smoothly from here. he blamed himself for killing sebastian even though he never loved him or knew him, before all the horrible things sebastian did. and though of course he holds himself on a much infinitely lower level, he’d still struggle with this. bc bottom line is, clary did that.

 how much harder do you think this is gonna make for him to grieve his father? so yeah, to clary players, if you’re keeping the show death, pls be aware of this. 

my jace wasn’t killed from behind. my jace wasn’t killed with a pocket knife. my jace wasn’t taken by surprise. my jace stood proud and suffering ante his father and took the sword to his throat. my jace was ready to give him his last words,before valentine summoned the sword. my jace was killed by his father bc if he didn’t, jace would kill HIM. my jace died a warrior’s death. my jace died with honor.

[jess-oh]

Thoughts from the sky 12/18/17

There are two people sitting behind me and I’m really glad that they’re getting along so well but they’ve been talking nonstop since the beginning of this flight and honestly, it sucks! I also don’t know how I actually fell asleep earlier with them talking? The guy isn’t too bad but the lady directly behind me has no gauge for how loud she actually is and it’s crazy.

Anyway, I haven’t actually written in a while. I got really busy and I just didn’t bother ever getting back into it. But I do want to recommit to this. Honestly, I’m really nervous about coming back home. I love my family and I love Jeanne, Lauren, Jude, Cat, Keylee, and Edgar and I’m really excited to see them again. They’ve been there for me through thick and thin and they means the world to me. But Jeanne and Lauren aren’t very involved at Sa-Rang. And I don’t know where God is rn in my UBMS crew’s lives. It’s just hard. Because even though I love them so much, it isn’t enough. They can’t always be there for me and I don’t want to force them into that either.

For Sa-Rang, I tend to hangout with the same people. I probably the closest to Judy and Jennifer of those who are actually involved. But they’ve got their own peeps too and I don’t want to burden them. We don’t actually talk that often throughout the year. Grace An, too. In fact, Grace An actually does care about me. I feel like Jen and Judy are just pitying me. And whether or not that’s true, it’s how I feel and it sucks.

——

I’m supposed to land in LA around 8:44pm PST. It’s currently 7:53pm CST. I wish I had less than an hour left but it’s more like 2.5 hours left. I gotta find some more ways to kill time. The people behind me stopped talking but a baby in front of me started crying. WE’LL SEE

———

I really crave affection and acceptance from others and I don’t think that’s weird. I think I love Lauren and Jeanne so much bc they’re actually so invested in my life and care about what I’m going through and that’s so hard to find other times. I try to talk to Andrew but sometimes it just feels like he’s trying to get rid of me instead of actually listening to me. I tried to vent the other day but he just kept saying, “You’re too hard on yourself,” and leaving it at that. Okay, well, what does that mean???

It’s really nice going through my old things. I just looked at some old yearbook spreads that I forgot I saved and some good memories came back to me. Prior to this, I was feeling discouraged by my transcripts. It’s definitely something that I feel a lot of shame for. And it’s a part that I want to stay buried in the past. I wasn’t a very good student in high school and I failed at least one or two classes a year and I never felt good enough for my family and it sucked. But looking at my old spreads, it reminded me of the good times I had in yearbook too. I remembered some particular moments when I saw the “Camp Sophs’mores” spread. I remembered how Andrew was in charge of the doing the title and tried to put my face in the “O” and how I felt so embarrassed and insisted that he change it! I remember how relieved I felt when he actually spelled the title wrong and had to change everything. I remember how I recently cut my hair at the time and how short it was. I remembered how Anthony tricked me into getting into the photo bar. I remembered how that photo of me was the bane of my existence. I remember how overdramatic I acted but how much fun it was to just be with everyone. I miss that time a lot. I remember how I confided in Anthony that I loved yearbook so much because I felt like I could just feel free to be my weird self and it didn’t matter because everyone else was just as weird or weirder than me. And I remember how he laughed and said that Tim was just the same. I remember how afraid I became of Tim. I remember how deathly afraid I became of him because he came to symbolize yearbook for me. And all the bad parts about it. He became the face of yearbook in my mind. And whenever I saw him, I remembered how desperate I felt, how shitty I felt all the time, how I never felt good enough, how I felt the need to self harm myself, how I felt trapped and depressed and suicidal. How suicide doesn’t mean pulling the trigger on a gun. It means not getting out of the way when there was a chance of your life ending. It meant hoping that something bad would happen to you. It meant, for me, that I was so tired of living and just wanted to die. I wanted to just stop existing because it was too tiring and too hard to continue living. I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to get back in control and for me, that was dying and giving up. It was ending it all and escaping the pain of it all.

Maybe that’s why I have such a hard time with church. Because it was a place where I felt like I had to put on a pretty face and pretend that everything was okay when it wasn’t. I could always say that I could’ve tried harder than I did. But the bottom line is I didn’t. I didn’t trust them. And it wasn’t just because it was them. It was because I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone. I felt so alone. When people meet me, I always wonder what they think of me. Especially recently, I bet they thought I grew up in a super supportive community with loving parents and a place to just grow and thrive. And I really wish that I did. I wish I had that picture perfect family growing up. But I didn’t. And if only they knew… man. If only I could show them how miserable I felt. Every. Single. Day. How much I wanted to die and just escape it all. How much I felt like screaming but no sound would come out of my throat. How much I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but knew that I couldn’t. How much I wanted to go to therapy and seek help but couldn’t because I was afraid of how my family would judge me. I was so ruled by my fear and felt trapped and like I couldn’t escape my situation. And that’s when I started self harming. Because I felt so out of options. And I needed to feel like I was still alive. Like I was still human. So I started cutting into my skin. Deeper. And Deeper. And deeper still. And it was all because I just felt so desperate and out of options.

It’s easy to put down things and people that you don’t understand. And I don’t know if anyone else was depressed but I think I was the most evidently so. I felt like I was carrying the world’s weight on my back, constantly. And maybe everyone else grew up in a good community with loving friends and parents that stood by their side through thick and thin. And I didn’t have that. I had people that was constantly judging me. I had people that didn’t understand my depression. That stabbed me in the back. That used me to get ahead and left me behind once they were done with me. And it hurt. And it sucked. But I got up. Each time, I got up. And I tried again. And I tried even harder. And I kept going. And now I’m here.

I think Jason really does care about me. And it does make me feel kind of bad thinking about him. I want the best for him and I don’t want him ever feel depressed or bad about himself. I think I’m just constantly reminded of when we were up in Evanston and I literally could have died. But I didn’t. Because he grabbed my shirt and pulled me back. He totally could’ve just let me go but he didn’t. He saw a car coming when I didn’t. And made the executive decision to go after me. He pulled me back and prevented me from dying. And proceeded to scold me a lot after that, haha. He told me to be more careful and I tried to just shrug it off but honestly, I didn’t really feel like I was in my own skin that day. And maybe a part of me did want to die. Maybe a part of me did want to get hit and just be done with it all and no longer uncomfortable. But the worry and concern in his voice and eyes made all the difference. I was in a state of shock. But it made me feel like I mattered. And just thinking about how he would react if he found out that I had been self harming again…it makes me feel really good about myself. Like my life is worth saving. He would actually be worried about me and my life. He would actually take the time to stop what he was doing and see if I was okay. I was really upset at the start of this week for a lot of different reasons. And even though he couldn’t tell that I was trying to push him away, he still just wanted to let me know that he was here for me and that I wasn’t alone. He could see me. And I wanted to be defensive and say that I wasn’t depressed but really? Am I really not depressed in the least? Really??? Anyway, I decided to just accept it and move on. I neither confirmed nor denied my depression but I was also a little surprised by that conclusion.

I just read through some posts in the white elephant/potluck event and I am excited. I am. And I’m also over James. I think it was something that I struggled with for a long time but I really forgot about him this year. I barely ever brought him up in conversation and when I did, it felt awkward. So goodbye, James. You caused me a lot of pain but I’m over it now. I’m over it.

I’m over it.

I’m supposed to meet with P. Josh when I come back to Chicago and I’m actually pretty nervous about it? I think I’m afraid that I’ll get triggered by a memory from high school and start spontaneously crying and I really don’t want to. I want him to trust him and see me for me as I am now. I remember sometimes from high school when I was just suddenly start crying for what seemed like no reason at all. I would literally just have overactive tear glands and I would have a stream of water come down my face. And I would try and reassure my current company that it was fine and that I was fine and honestly wasn’t sure why I was crying so much. And I’m afraid that that’s going to happen when I talk to Josh. We’ll be in mid conversation and I’ll just suddenly start crying. And he’ll ask if I’m okay and I’ll try and reassure him that I’m fine when I’m not and just keep lying to myself that everything is okay when it isn’t and I don’t want to present that image to him. I want him to believe that I’m okay and that there’s nothing wrong with me. But there will be. Man. I think I need to pray about serving again. Because I have gotten a lot better at being open about my faith in public. I’ve worn my church gear out in public whether I was going on errands or just going to class. I’ve been a lot more comfortable with just discussing the topic of religion in a much more comfortable way in public and in fact, I felt empowered by it. So I’ve been doing a lot better recently but I know that I still feel so much fear in my heart sometimes and it’s scary and it sucks sometimes. And I don’t want to drag people down with me. I want to lead people and show them to rightfully rely on God during times of trouble and hardship instead of themselves. And rn, I tend to try and bear the burden of the world on my own shoulders to avoid the guilt of relying too much on others and being too dependent on them. And I do think that I’m really afraid that that will happen again. That I’ll be too dependent on others instead of trying to figure things out for myself. And no one deserves to feel trapped in that situation. I think that’s the position I’m in with my sister right now. But yeah, I want people to know that they can rely on God in all situations and places and even though I can’t emotionally always be there for everyone right now, I want to get to that place and just really compassionately love upon my fellow brothers and sisters. Freshmen and upperclassmen alike. But I’m not there yet and I want to get there. But first, I think I need to come to terms with my own issues and accept that I need to learn to rely on God more because I’m not there yet. I need to accept this for myself before I can start preaching to the choir.