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deadcactuswalking · 3 months

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 13/07/2024 (Eminem/Big Sean/BabyTron, Quavo/Lana Del Rey)

Sabrina may have outperformed Sabrina recently but thankfully, Sabrina has taken the throne off of Sabrina for a sixth week at #1 for Sabrina above Sabrina’s last hit, dropping to #2 thanks to a boost above Sabrina for Sabrina, leaving Sabrina below Sabrina. “Espresso” is at #1 and welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: language, Eminem discourse

Rundown

And as always, we start our episode with the notable dropouts, songs exiting the UK top 75 - which is what I cover - after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we bid adieu to… okay, sorry, “Gata Only” by FloyyMenor and Cris Mj went from #76 to #75 to #76 in a three-week span as if they know the arbitrary restrictions I place on this series and want to pressure me into changing them. If that’s the case, what’s “read the FAQ” in Spanish? Besides that, we say farewell to a mix of older tracks and stuffed EDM collabs, as our full lists consists of: “places to be” by Fred again.., Anderson .Paak and CHIKA (which of course deserved more than five weeks), “Addicted” by Zerb, the Chainsmokers and Ink, “Yellow” by Coldplay, “Without Me” by Eminem and finally, “Prada” by casso, RAYE and D-Block Europe, which feels like it’s been here forever.

As for our returns, we see the Euros boost another football anthem back on the charts, namely the #8-peaking “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond. On the two non-consecutive weeks this song peaked, Mungo Jerry and T. Rex were #1 and that should give you enough context that I really don’t need to tell you it was 1971. Alongside it, “3 Lions” is up to #20 and “Mr. Brightside” is at #58 thanks to the band playing football matches at their shows in the lead-up to this track, but once again, I’ve talked about these football songs a while back. I can’t remember the episode but you can probably take an educated guess based on whatever football tournament was happening.

When it comes to notable gains, it’s a bit of an easier job, as there’s some straightforward pick-ups for “You & Me” by Disclosure featuring Eliza Doolittle at #66, “Miles on It” by Marshmello and Kane Brown at #60, “Evergreen” by Richy Mitch & the Coal Miners at #48, “Move” by Adam Port, Stryv and Malachiii at #46, Zach Bryan’s “Pink Skies” returning to the top 40 at #40 thanks to his new album but more on that later, “Kisses” by BL3SS, CamrinWatsin and bbyclose at #26, “Too Sweet” by Hozier at #13 and Kendrick Lamar returning to the top 10 at #9 with “Not Like Us”.

As for our top five, well, for our first full tracking week under a Labour government since 2010, we already know where Starmer’s cabinet stands on pop stars, with Chappell Roan’s “Good Luck, Babe!” at #5 swapping places with “BIRDS OF A FEATHER” by Billie Eilish at #4. One thing hasn’t changed, though, and that’s drinking habits, as Shaboozey’s “A Bar Song (Tipsy)” is steady at #3, and then of course, Sabrina: “Please Please Please” at #2 and “Espresso” at #1. Now for what should be an interesting and definitely varied set of new tracks.

New Entries

#73 - “28” - Zach Bryan

Produced by Zach Bryan

As I expected, I loved Zach Bryan’s newest album, The Great American Bar Scene, which released on July 4th - fittingly - and I delivered some longer thoughts in my listening log on RateYourMusic. The account name’s exclusivelytopostown if you wish to read any more, but to sum it up, it’s definitely more of a folk and heartland rock-influenced album, going from sounding like Springsteen to well, containing the Boss himself, and it fittingly has a more observational, on-the-road feel to it as we travel across America with Zach Bryan delivering relevant anecdotes surrounding his life that seem more distant than the self-titled. It’s still personal, it’s still got a warm, organic production, but there’s an undeniable swell to it all that makes the humble road trip feel a lot grander. I prefer the self-titled in terms of having more memorable, distinct songs but this is an excellent record in itself. Thankfully, one of my favourites was “28”, his only debut as the album bows in at #16 on the UK albums chart.

There are many topics that Bryan will delve into across the record but this one, in comparison, feels like a pretty straightforward love ballad, and a very sweet one at that. Bryan tells us stories about how he went to see her family on his 28th birthday and that was the first time his left felt full and that he was truly loved on his own birthday, having a family and home that he’s been searching for his entire life, caught in a place between home and somewhere distant and unfamiliar, but now he’s fell into what might be a new home for him, and the song celebrates how real that relationship feels. This is developed on in the second verse where Bryan finds himself in a very familiar lyrical space: the dive bar’s crowded with rich people, not at all like it was when he was younger, but the smoke seeping out is still the same, he’s still playing the guitar he was gifted at 14, and being with his new partner takes him back to that space he’s so familiar with. It’s a beautiful sentiment that the homes he created from a passage of specific, frequently recurring memories have been brought back to him by the way he feels with his partner. The organic recording with some distant guitar and an overwhelming bed of strings turns an intimate set of recollections to an honest-to-God ceremony and that little lyric change from “where your old man stayed” to “where your whole heart stayed” places a really neat little bow on everything. It may not be the deepest or most powerful cuts on the latest record, but it’s one that feels so universal without sacrificing the important details that make him such a loveable songwriter. It’s one of my favourite songs of the year, and the whole album’s worth checking out too.

#71 - “I Love You, I’m Sorry” - Gracie Abrams

Produced by Gracie Abrams and Aaron Dessner

Now we’re back in some territory that I’m less familiar with and also less appreciative to see on the charts, TayLorde Rodrigo… I mean, Gracie Abrams, daughter of J.J. This is another album cut from her breakout record that hit #1 a few weeks ago, with this being a sequel to another breakup track she released in 2020. I know I’ve often made comical comparisons to other artists when discussing Abrams’ particularly derivative style but I really liked “Risk” which is similarly plainly obvious on who it takes influence with so it really isn’t just that, and there’s some promise to that: it’s similarly structured to her “I miss you, I’m sorry” whilst taking a more wistful approach, a couple years later, on the breakup and acknowledging the weirdness of still being familiar to someone you slammed the door on despite loving, and being thankful that the ex-partner still keeps in touch, albeit the connection is dwindling. I was actually somewhat liking it, even if it borderlines on easy listening, until the bridge which seems to deflect some blame onto this partner for no reason in a really immature moment that feels out of place, and also has some really obvious takes from the Taylor department (no pun intended), even down to inflections and vocal delivery. The songwriting becomes basic and childish for what seems like a lashing out moment but doesn’t really need to serve that purpose in any way. The song is about frustration but a frustration that quietly bubbles down through life, why have that moment so far into the song? It just doesn’t work for me narratively even if the idea isn’t bad, and Dessner’s utterly unremarkable instrumental backing isn’t helping matters. It’s still okay, but with some very obvious flaws I can’t really get over.

#69 - “Bring Me Joy” - Rudimental and Karen Harding

Produced by Rudimental, Billen Ted and Slim Typical

I question who in Rudimental even contributes to these songs anymore. There are two other credited acts as producers here, and they are both DJ-producer duos who can do a perfectly good job by themselves or even together, but then add Rudimental, who are a trio and get top billing, and you’re telling me nine people produced this. You could argue that maybe one of them did and Rudimental is just the more recognisable name, but all three of the members are credited as writers, alongside salute who, if you don’t know, is also a DJ and producer, meaning 10 were involved in creating this song with Durham singer Karen Harding, who last appeared on the chart in 2015. Her debut single and biggest hit, “Say Something”, actually peaked at #7. The #1 was “Uptown Funk!”, of course. Maybe this new track will revive her hit-making career and you know what’s bizarre? How I can more obviously tell salute did work on this than any of the credited producers. Sure, it’s a drum and bass track, but it’s got a choir vocal, a gentler swell of pianos and the lead vocal filtered as an intro, it sounds more like it’s introducing a salute song than Rudimental’s until we get into the weirdly-mixed lead vocal and very unsubtle stutter that spirals into a frankly wank drum and bass loop. The song basically starts on 11 with all the details thanks to the nine people on the DAW, so any attempt at genuine bombast or relief in the drop feels like bashing in some horns to an already full orchestra. In fact, for what should be a rote, inoffensive track from an easily ignorable vocalist and completely competent producer teams, it’s surprisingly annoying with just how overly produced it is. The egregious implementation of that distorted male vocal clip is out of place, the effects added to Harding’s voice are grating and at times seemingly arbitrary, it’s just all a bit gross. I really like this genre and a lot of the time, will defend more mediocre drum and bass tunes because the drum patterns make me happy or the drop is exciting, but not even I can find much joy in this, which should be saying something.

#64 - “Apple” - Charli xcx

Produced by Charli xcx, A.G. Cook, George Daniel and Lotus IV

Once again, we go back to Charli’s BRAT, an album with more mainstream influence and longevity than I expected, as we get what is now our sixth debut from the record across multiple weeks. I believe this is what the gays call "being the moment." Charli has described this song as focusing on her very complicated relationship with her parents, using the “apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” saying as its main conceit and going for a perhaps more familiar synthpop backing whilst filtering her vocals out to muffle her voice slightly, as if she’s becoming separate from her family as she finds escapism by travelling away from a family she’s constantly comparing herself to. The apple could “turn yellow or green”, accentuating both how unpredictable growing up could be and how that connection could either still work into old age or rot over time, with the third verse having her dissect the apple, splitting what traits of her that she doesn’t appreciate between her parents. It’s a clever and really open concept for the song, and whilst I’m a sucker for honest detail, the analogy is more telling depending on how you interpret it than perhaps a more down to reality vent about what is probably a feeling that couldn’t be understood by an audience that’s not specifically her. With this, I still feel the escapism of the airport but also the disappointment when that turns into a stuttering, dark clog instead of a beautiful swell in that bridge where she promises, of course, that she’s going to “drive all night”, aimlessly, realising that even if she makes her branch of the tree, she can’t escape from her family as it’s part of her. It’s not my favourite mix on the album, it can feel a bit flat and rushed sometimes, but the instrumental outro with the mantra of “do you” really places into perspective her question of asking where you even go to feel like you’re not alone, because forming a yes-or-no question out of that forces you, and her, to reckon with the idea that you don’t actually go anywhere. You’re still you, and your experiences don’t take you elsewhere, they add patches of detail to your own person. And if I’m getting philosophical, that means the song’s good or I’m insane. Probably both, and I don’t need to tell you this, but it’s definitely worth checking out even if it’s not the most sonically distinct piece on the album - for a more revealing track, it doesn’t need to be.

#62 - “Lies Lies Lies” - Morgan Wallen

Produced by Joey Moi

Well, well, look who else released country music on the 4th of July, with a special live YouTube performance video to boot which I didn’t mention in the review but is also how “28” was premiered. Even for Morgan Wallen here, the songwriting is a bit dire, which is a shame because there’s a darker hinge to the guitars here that should lead to the forestry atmosphere the smokier sound and the cool whistling should succeed at conveying. Yet the chorus is so basic and pissy, as is the rest of this breakup song, delivered in a way that doesn’t justify any of the bitterness in the lyrics or the darker sound. He kind of just delivers it like “Last Night”, which also had its toxic relationship - where the woman is mostly blamed, but at least in this one he ended things (despite his persistence that he must be the one to do so). The difference is that “Last Night” is almost sing-songy, it’s a pop song more than anything and embraces it by going for trap drums and plastic silliness instead of going deeper into country cred for what is little more than an aesthetic for something that doesn’t pull on many of its songwriting tropes. It just ends up sounding ugly and flat for no purpose when a perfectly serviceable Maroon 5 song is hidden under there, and ends up looking pretty bad for Morgan Wallen. If your country song released on a patriotic day as what should surely be a gift for your fans given its lack of connection to an existing album and no reason to start another cycle is this ashamed of being a pop song, ridden in so much interpersonal hatred that’s still vague enough to consider itself universal, largely because you didn’t write one word of it, I would be reconsidering why I made country music in the first place. Or maybe that’s just how you celebrate the founding of your great country: singing about your ex-girlfriend’s lies and deceit, alcohol addiction and hating yourself. Hell, is that saying more about Morgan or the States?

#59 - “you look like you love me” - Ella Langley featuring Riley Green

Produced by Will Bundy

Thankfully, for a week weirdly full of country songs for the UK charts, we actually have more good than bad, with - interestingly - two relative newcomers in Ella Langley, who released her first record in 2023, and Riley Green who has had much success as a writer (hence his credit on this song) but not as much in his solo career until 2019 onwards. This duet tells the story of a lonely Ella Langley meeting passionately with a lover at a bar: “you look like you love me” seems like a very forward line for a one-night stand so whilst the life after this hook-up isn’t referenced and their drunkenness is emphasised throughout, there’s definitely still some reminiscing about this rendezvous. Langley uses a conversational delivery in the verses that feels very much like a traditional story-telling country songs, the kind that my dad used to like, but returns to an undeniable sing-a-long hook every time and it just feels like magic. Despite what could be a pretty chintzy instrumental considering the piano and acoustic pick-up but it just immerses you further in the story, with the awkward dead spaces in Riley Green’s verse that make it clear this isn’t as smooth of a hook-up as she remembers, the emphasis on little clothing details like boots and Green’s cowboy hat, the fact that she goes “alright now!” before the hoedown instrumental break, it’s all quite comical in its own cutesy way that I find really endearing. Vintage, sure, and perhaps a story that’s less believable to have happened in this day and age, but it doesn’t need to be to still be a fun little story delivered really excellently. I will say that Langley is clearly much more of a presence but thematically that makes a lot of sense, and it is refreshing to see a woman be the most prominent element of the highest debuting country song this week (outside of, well, we’ll get to it), that has a separate woman credited as a co-writer. It’s a cute, heartwarming little song that I think even those who write off country music on the charts will enjoy a fair bit.

#56 - “Pink Lemonade (Str8 Reload)” - LeoStayTrill and Mr. Reload It

Produced by Xeretto and VG$ Midnight

Whilst this is “Pink Lemonade (Str8 Reload)” by LeoStayTrill and Mr. Reload It. LeoStayTrill is a rapper from South London whilst Mr. Reload It is… not the producer or vocalist so who is Mr. Reload It? It took me little time to gather through social media that Mr. Reload It, real name Alex, is a content creator on TikTok who runs a show called Str8 Reload wherein rappers come in and freestyle, and the song had already finished without me realising I was really playing it by the time I had written all that out. LeoStayTrill appears to be a content creator on his own, and I skimmed through his TikToks that have nothing to do with the song but are featured with the sound in the background and hashtags proclaiming it’s the song of the summer. He appears to be a young guy still in education - sixth form maybe? - so I can’t really heavily criticise what is a pretty generic Tion Wayne-esque drill song with bad mixing, nothing flexes and a type beat as the instrumental. I was scanning through so many of his TikToks finding some extra context for his viral hit, but it seems like just shilling for it consistently will give you enough plays with a big following, and there are definitely some very catchy parts of his verses - ironically, all outside of the chorus - that I can understand the virality. One interesting thing I picked up on was that he was defiantly explaining to his followers a word that they had gotten wrong when reciting the lyrics, and jokingly claimed that he wished to delete the song because of this mondegreen until he brought out the original project file for the song to prove this. Nearly every single one of his TikToks had this song or its shitty Jersey club remix in the background, it was maddening. Wish you the best, man.

#32 - “Tough” - Quavo and Lana Del Rey

Produced by Cirkut and watt

If anyone was going to team these two disparate artists up, it was probably Andrew Watt, though the two appear to be friendly which makes sense given Lana’s affinity for hip hop, which is seldom implemented in her music but I enjoy when it is as it ends up surprisingly smooth, especially in cloud rap and trap territory. “Summer Bummer” with A$AP Rocky and Playboi Carti is one of my favourites from her. The conceit of this collab is somewhat comical: a country-influenced song where they both try and prove themselves as “tough” in different ways, with Lana using western cowboy imagery and Quavo harkening back to his days living impoverished in Atlanta, but together, they’re beautiful. It’s very cliché and silly but I can actually connect with that as just a matter of setting the stage for this upcoming Lana country album: suspension of disbelief is important in both country and rap, and especially pop, so I like when artists play around with unfitting narratives. Lana’s vocals are in their typical wispy rasp over the twiddling folksy guitars but Quavo comes in referencing the trap beat that drives into the song he just hopped on, and whilst I did laugh the first time, he adds a bit more emotive rasp to his voice that really works, especially in balance with the more melodic flows he’s able to temper the aggressive delivery with. I also like his informing of the posturing with what he’s genuinely been through, and those two different ideas of what “tough” is between them makes their surprisingly well-done harmonising very compelling. In fact, Lana adds more to Quavo’s posturing in her verse with Huncho himself prompting her lyrics in a cute back-and-forth that makes me believe these guys are actually dating, even though if that was the case, there may not be a mutual depth to how they feel about each other here. That bridge still has a lot of great swell and deviates from what could easily be a tedious novelty if not split apart by a gorgeous interlude that sounds perfect for walking down the aisle. I’m very surprised by the chemistry here, but the dialogue in the outro, whilst obviously corny, sounds like movie dialogue from a dated film, and the way you hear him pasing her the lighter and doing a typical Migos ad-lib injects a lot of Quavo’s personality into a Lana-led song. One of my favourite details is the crack in Lana’s voice where she admits for as much as Lana appreciates the grit and roughness of Mr. Quavious thanks to his upbringing, it’s that same upbringing that makes him tell her some truths a woman like Lana may not want to hear, and I find that a really subtle but effective way of painting the lovestruck soulmates with troubling, nuanced dots. I figured something like this, especially with Quavo releasing more singles than months of the year currently, would be a rushed, comical slap-dash collab but there is a lot more thought into this duet than I expected from even Lana who never really shined outside of her introspection that much. Brilliant song.

#29 - “Tobey” - Eminem featuring Big Sean and BabyTron

Produced by marvy ayy, John Nocito, Carlton McDowell, Daniyel, Eminem and Cole Bennett

As I said with the Zach Bryan review, full thoughts on the latest Eminem comeback, The Death of Slim Shady (Coup de Grace) are on my RateYourMusic page, and thankfully, this song kind of has no relevance to the existing plotline of that album. It’s always an unnecessary stress when a song hits the top 75 and I have to either explain away the conceits of a narrative- or theme-based record that I already wrote some thoughts down on, or end up diving in headfirst to a song from an album I haven’t gotten around to hearing so I can review the one song, but ending up a bit headless thanks to my lack of context. This is a weird case because it’s a pre-album single that was released in the midweek and despite the album having a clear plot and theme you can see even in its lead single, this song has nothing to do with it and this time, it’s on purpose? “Tobey” is one of a few songs on the back-end that show Eminem is still hungry without the Slim Shady persona, and this particular track is him stepping bar-for-bar with a newer cat in Big Sean and so new a cat he may as well be a kitty, BabyTron, of the Detroit ShittyBoyz scam-rap collective, known for his semi-witty punchlines and tight flows. That works a lot better for me when he has an actual groove, especially the constant punchiness of a Detroit trap track but here, we have a beat that I thought was interesting at first and becomes increasingly odd. It makes sense to me for a beat to have no steady percussion line and instead be full of cinematic strings and thwooping, bass-heavy movie trailer sounds - it’s Eminem, after all, I guess he’s catching up to his Christian stan NF - but it just never drops after all the build-up, and that piano line that is also very explicitly Detroit is a tedious loop that never changes but feeds tension into the beat without ever finding build-up, despite obvious lay-ups for that to happen. The verses transition not through smooth sequencing of instruments but through a cloudy void of blurry sound effects, as if the song was made for the music video and nothing else. There’s electric guitars added into the mix because, it’s either Em himself or his main man Luis Resto who are obsessed with adding those to the back of the beat for no reason, there are hi-hats during BabyTron’s verse that just skitter out of existence, and a mix of guitars with cavernous drums and warping synths during the latter two verses from Sean and Em that just drown out the two rappers without ever landing them on a true groove, which only really Eminem can play with in an interesting way. I know it’s Eminem so the beat should not be the focus but this is a bizarre, borderline just experimental beat that sounds kind of terrible most of the time but has so many fascinating bad decisions and moving parts that it’s hard to ignore.

Now for the rappers themselves, as you’d probably expect me to discuss more given again, it’s Eminem, he’s the only person with an interesting concept or flow here. He’s bitter and desperate to prove he’s in top fives - not that he should care but I’m not angry that he does, he’s a lyrical rapper from the 90s, caring about being the best is kind of his job - but unlike Kamikaze, he’s not lashing out at his own fans, he’s lashing out at so-called critics, including Melle Mel, who he very reasonably stamps out for the reason that whilst people prompted him not to respond to the man because he’s a pioneer - a grandmaster, if you will - of the genre, Eminem’s cemented his place just as much as he has and it would be a fair competition between legends. A weird beat always brings out awkward deliveries in Em, and he’s surprisingly not going for the easier, fast-paced deadpan talking both BabyTron and to a lesser extent, Sean, go for here, instead being all over the beat like he has eight legs spread out saying a different bar. It’s a cool approach that means he’s not always perfectly on beat but the beat’s weird, so let him be too, I actually find it much more compelling than BabyTron, who sounds like a bored child lost in the supermarket, even if there are some quotable lines and Detroit references that add a little more spice. Big Sean is selling his anger and hunger much more convincingly, even when faced against this Lovecraftian monster of a beat, and whilst I’m not necessarily invested in Sean because… of course not, his bars hit, his rhyme schemes are solid and he sounds on point the whole time, it’s a focused verse that really balances out Em’s verse. BabyTron is completely lost to that dynamic so the fact that he originated the main conceit of the song, the utterly stupid idea that since Tobey Maguire became Spider-Man after being bitten by a spider, BabyTron and Big Sean must have been bitten by a goats because they’re GOATs, and Eminem must have been the goat / GOAT that bit them. Yeah, there’s a reason why the song’s namesake didn’t deserve being brought up until the last minute. I know this was a hefty review for a pretty middling debut that won’t last, but this really feels like a can of worms hidden on the back-half of an album completely irrelevant to it, even though it was already released as a single and music video. Fascinating little track, honestly. I’m kind of glad we end the week with that nonsense.

Conclusion

Well, it was a big debut week for country or country-adjacent tracks, and this rings well in our conclusion, as Best of the Week obviously goes to Zach Bryan for “28” whilst we have surprisingly close Honourable Mentions for the two duets: “you look like you love me” by Ella Langley and Riley Green and “Tough” with Quavo and Lana Del Rey. As for the worst, that also represents country as Morgan Wallen takes it handedly for the regretful “Lies Lies Lies”, whilst I suppose “Bring Me Joy” by Rudimental and Karen Harding ends up as the Dishonourable Mention. Whatever happens next week, apart from Eminem, I hope there’s not too much to write about because it’ll be a busy Friday for me. Knowing the charts, I won’t get that peace and Peppa fucking Pig will debut a couple songs. Regardless, thank you for reading, long live Cola Boyy, and I’ll see you next week.

#uk singles chart #pop music #song review #eminem #babytron #big sean #lana del rey #quavo #leostaytrill #mr reload it #ella langley #riley green #morgan wallen #charli xcx #rudimental #karen harding #gracie abrams #zach bryan #the great american bar scene

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blue-wildflower · 2 years

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Ultraviolence - Part 1

Ryunosuke Akutagawa x Reader

“He hurt me but it felt like true love.”

Summary: You’re the newest Port Mafia member, and though you catch Akutagawa’s attention immediately, he seems impossible to grow close to. But the lines between enemy and lover begin to grow blurry.

Warnings: kinda an unhealthy relationship (sorry, Akutagawa is still learning how to accept/show love), parental death/abandonment, catcalling, murder (it is the port mafia lol)

Author’s Note: Hi everybody! This is my first fic on tumblr, sorry if it’s formatted weird or if it’s lame. The series is based on Lana Del Rey’s “Ultraviolence” song, but honestly the whole album is a banger and served as inspo for this.

You left your small town and headed to Yokohama, looking for something, anything, that could put your gift to use and give your life meaning again. Your father had left when you were only a child so once your mother died, you were left completely alone. You had heard rumors of the gifted organizations in Yokohama- that both the day and the night were under their watch.

You got into the city later than expected, and you were now wandering around the streets in the dark looking for a place to stay. You weren’t thrilled with your predicament, but you knew your gift could protect you from anyone lurking in the darkness. As you hurried along, you turned around a corner and into a dark alley by accident. You felt your stomach drop when you noticed it was a dead end occupied by a group of ruffians who didn’t look too pleased with being disturbed. You instantly turned back around to go the other way, but you found your path now blocked by a grizzled man who reeked of alcohol.

“Hey, where do you think you're going pretty lady?”

Now you were panicking. The men creeped closer to you, and you had no choice but to use your ability on them.

“Special ability- Secret Garden!”

Thorny branches sprung from the ground and grabbed onto the men, twisting around their hands and feet. The vines looked like the spiny tendrils of a rose bush, and the men writhed and hollered in pain as the thorns pricked at their skin and restricted them. You decided to stop once they were restrained, content at just leaving them there, when you heard a muffled cough coming from above on the rooftops. Your gaze flew upwards, and at the same time so did a barrage of thorns, shooting towards the figure like daggers. The man revealed himself in the moonlight, effortlessly producing a glowing red shield to protect himself.

“Why didn’t you finish them off? Or perhaps that ability is as weak and pathetic as as it seems?”

Black threads that the man called his ‘Rashomon’ lashed out at you- they crackled with red energy. At first you dodged his attacks, but the threads were incredibly fast and powerful. They latched on to you and wound tightly around you. The man pulled you up onto the roof and brought you close to examine you. His brow was furrowed but he had mesmerizing, soft grey eyes.

“I am Akutagawa. You must not be from around here. In this town, the Port Mafia decides who lives and who dies. You’re disgustingly weak, but perhaps we can still make use of you. I’m going to take you to Mori Corporation, to meet the boss- he’ll decide what to do with you.”

The man was so overly confident in his abilities that he didn’t even notice the red flowers starting to creep up around his feet. He glanced in their direction, but he seemed unthreatened by them, knowing he could shred the flowers in an instant if you attempted anything with them.

“And what are these? Poisonous petunias?” He sneered. You sighed innocently, a coy smile ghosting your lips.

“No- actually they’re poppies.”

It was too late for Akutagawa to realize his foolishness. He fought to keep his eyes open from your poppy attack. You were surprised by how well he was able to resist sleep. But soon his knees buckled and his grip on you loosened.

“Goodnight, Akutagawa.” You said quietly to him. You carefully stepped around him and gingerly made your way back onto the ground. Akutagawa fell into a deep sleep, curled up under the moonlight.

The next morning you asked around town about the Mori Corporation, and were directed to a skyscraper in the middle of the city. You were going to make a deal with them on your terms- you wanted a job and protection. You figured that the Port Mafia must be very powerful to operate out of such a large, opulent building. Inside, there were men dressed in suits with guns everywhere, but you knew you had to act confident and forward.

“I would like to speak to the leader of the Port Mafia please.”

The first man with a gun you told that to laughed in your face. But once you mentioned your meeting with Akutagawa, the man stiffened. He signaled to another gunman in a suit.

“No one who crosses him comes out alive. Maybe we should take this one to the boss.”

You were blindfolded, led onto an elevator, and then directed down many hallways. When you were allowed to see again, you noticed you were all the way up in what looked like a extravagant penthouse. A blonde woman in business clothes looked you over, scrutinizing you. She got permission from the boss to let you in and you were admitted into a large open room, flanked by three gunman.

The room was covered almost wall to wall in a lavish red ornamental rug. Seated in a single chair, the only furniture in the entire room, was a man with scarlet eyes and chin lengthened black hair. He disturbed you- the way that he smirked at you like a plaything, the way his eyes seemed to be deciding whether or not your life held any value.

“What is your name?”

“Y/N.”

“Akutagawa was incapacitated last night during a stakeout- was that your doing?”

His tone was curious, not accusatory. You nodded, reminding yourself again not to show any fear.

“Yes sir, that was me. He told me I may be useful to you and your organization. I wish to use my ability for a greater purpose and make a living, that is all.”

The man seemed amused at this.

“You wish to join the Port Mafia? We provide for our own. But you want to be a mafia member and yet when given the chance to kill your attacker, you run away. Y/N- would you be willing to unwaveringly do as your told? Would you kill if I commanded it?”

You answered without hesitation, your heart beating rapidly within your chest.

“Yes!”

“Good. Then kill these men.”

You used your deadly nightshade attack without even thinking. Before your victims could even process what was going on, the gunmen that had accompanied you into the room were lying on the ground with purple faces, convulsing as if they had consumed the poisonous berries. Mori began to slowly clap, a wicked grin on his lips.

“Welcome to the Port Mafia.”

Part 2->

#bungo stray dogs #bsd #akutagawa #akutagawa x reader #bsd x reader #bsd x you #ryunosuke akutagawa #akutagawa x you #bsd fanfic #bsd fic #ryunosuke akutagawa x reader

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cherry-interlude · 3 years

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Lana Del Rey Unreleased Ranking (4)

This is a re-ranking of Lana's unreleased songs, after making a first a few years ago. This is all my opinion, which I don't mind anyone disagreeing with but don't come for me for it - honestly, I like every song, despite any criticism, and this ranking is very vague. It's based on objective and subjective opinion.

This is the fourth of five posts, nearing my favourites.

Backfire

Like Velvet Crowbar, Lana is struggling with her criminal lover in Backfire – pissed off, hurt yet devoted. Lana’s voice is lush and growling in this track, the lyrics work well and it’s one of her most concise unreleased tracks.

JFK

A romantic track through and through, Lana dedicates this to her beloved. She compares him to the dashing figure of her favourite era, letting her voice climb, soothe and whisper her amazement at such an incredible man. It’s a song that just feels rich and warm, only loving with none of the toxicity that creeps into some of her other romances.

Damn You

Damn You’s clean instrumentals and direct story make for easy listening, not to mention the relaxed feel of the music. Yet it’s still a song that is about the breakdown of Lana’s relationship, perhaps a follow up to some of her ditzy teenage love stories where the kids run away together without thought. There is still nostalgia, regret and a distinctly pissed off feel, making the emotion of the song complex and all the more compelling.

Hundred Dollar Bill

Lana may be pre-Ultraviolence in this track but Jimmy and his ultra-violent swing are very much present. Rather than being a sad and grungy song, this is pop about a prostitute (or a stripper) who loves money and her man, the construction king who doesn’t mind his lover doing what she can for the green too.

Jealous Girl

Spiky cheerleader chanting, heavy trap pop and Lana’s near-bored drawl paired with manic warnings make this song a blast to listen to. Lana goes pure pop with a dangerous edge, as much as the song itself could do with a bit of a production clean-up. Definitely one of my favourites.

BBM Baby

Cutesy and practically bubble-gum pink, Lana plays the girlish teen in lust, sexting her man to a noughties-feeling innocent-sounding track. It’s frothy and frilly but in the best way possible.

Tired of Singing the Blues

Lana is pissed in this song, frustrated and shrieking about being stuck with bad men, bad love and bad break-up songs. She really vents in this track, which feels like a furious and storming Hollywood’s Dead, and it has that live-feel that wouldn’t be unmissed as a performance on stage.

Hey Blue Baby

Lana frees her voice as she lets frustration and country inspirations take over on this upbeat, live track. It, like I Must Be Stupid, would be even better with studio versions, but the live version feels raw and real.

Last Girl On Earth

This song surprised me the first time I heard it. It was a thoughtful track that didn’t feel quite like a Lana song, yet it was perfectly her from the images of the lyrics to the on-point vocals. It’s the right amount of sadness, ironic pride and self-reflection as Lana muses over her life now that she is famous.

Disco

Deviously sexual, Lana poses erotically as a model in this track, owning herself as her “only god” (and presumably her body too as she flashes her “prostitute stare”). It has plenty of versions, each as unflinching as the last, that showcase how well Lana can write a song that only contains herself and a guitar.

Roller Derby

Lana paints a picture of pin-up girls, roller derbies, streamers and a frightening screaming crowd that is a mixture of tranquil and unnerving. Slow paced and peppered with fabulous imagery, Lana could tie Roller Derby to Disco easily as she “becomes someone not of this world” much like how she is her “only god”, yet in this song she is less seductive and more destructive from the overwhelming position she has been put in.

Fordham Road

The imagery is gorgeous as Lana debates why she is so drawn in to such a dark place. It’s one of her acoustic best, thoughtful and paced like a breeze as Lana muses and soaks herself in the atmosphere in her carefully-written song.

Kinda Outta Luck

Lana opens the song with a subtle, guitar-and-sparkles driven monologue before diving into a very sixties-feel dance track. Playing a self-destructive murderer, Lana simply enjoys herself as she muses about whether or not her intentions to kill are bad or not – but she certainly embraces the role with flair.

Put The Radio On

Sugary and spicy like the lyrics suggest, Lana keeps the tone sweet with lullaby-style music under a heavier beat, opens with a cute “hello” and essentially wants to refuse belief that she is too much of a bad girl for her bad guy. It’s a smart song that plays into the frequent storyline of delinquents in love, but Lana keeps it fresh with the treacle that feels a little different from such similar songs.

Paris

Lana speaks of her fantasies of a new life in the most romantic city in the world with her lover, opening and closing the song with a soothing lullaby before filling the middle with suggestions to run away and snapshot images of all the things they could do. Much like the doo-wop shaded tracks Puppy Love, Prom Song Gone Wrong and Driving In Cars With Boys, Lana puts herself firmly in the romanticised ideal of teenage love and made it catchy as hell.

Queen of Disaster

Lana goes from the low-voices, disbelieving party girl to the giddy, swooning stage-dominating lover throughout this song, the music box-like plinking the perfect introduction to a cute track about two criminals. Lana praises her gangsta guy whilst embracing being the queen of disaster, calling to the crowd with an echoed “ladies and gentlemen, for the very first time -!” (slightly cringe but honestly a guilty pleasure part of the song).

TV In Black and White

One of her most depressing songs, Lana spins a love letter to her criminal beau, promising to love her locked up lover who is equally devastated by being away from her. It’s too sad to play sometimes, a little too heavy on the optimistic tear-jerker, but that’s what makes it work – she makes a song that is full of clear emotion.

You Can Be The Boss

The daddy kink theme for the 2010s, You Can Be The Boss is a cross between Lana’s older unreleased work and her early records, encapsulating AKA Lizzy Grant and Born To Die eras perfectly. It’s deeply sexy, unashamed and a definite earworm.

Serial Killer

A Lana concert classic, Serial Killer is one of most well-known unreleased tracks – and one of her best. It would be perfect for Born To Die, from the brilliant production to the memorable tune. The bonus points for her iconic moan make it even more enjoyable on a fan scale, but this is one of Lana’s best regardless.

Go Go Dancer

It might not be her best in terms of instrumentals but it’s got the kind of spunkiness that makes it favourable, at least to me. Lana is a sexual performer outright but only for the fun of it, a rich girl doing whatever she wants for attention and the illusion of fame. From the disco-light feel of the music to the undercurrent drums, it’s even better when topped with the breathy confidence in both vocals and lyrics.

#lana del rey #lana del rey songs #lana del rey unreleased #cherry-interlude

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jalapeno-princess · 4 years

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Second Chances

CEO Mark Tuan X Chef Reader

Word Count: 18.5K (Damn this is the longest imagine I’ve ever written I didn’t even realize how long it was)

Genre: Ex’s to Lovers, angst, fluff

Summary: There were no words to describe the love you and Mark had for one another. You were an aspiring chef and after graduating high school and going straight in to culinary school, everything seemed to be falling in to place for you. You were pursuing your dream career with the love of your life by your side. You felt as if life was going perfectly for you. That was until one night, something happens at a dinner party where he finds himself having to choose between you and his family and by choosing his family, he lost you. Years later, after starting up your own restaurant and becoming an extremely successful and renowned chef, your first catering client just so happens to be your ex-boyfriend and his soon to be wife.

A/n: Hey guys! A bitch is back and dying here in this quarantine. I hope you are all doing well. I AM SO FUCKING SHOOK OVER THEIR COME BACK LET ME TELL YOU I AM NOT BEING BIASED BUT THIS IS MY BABY MARK’S COMEBACK UGH DO NOT GET ME STARTED THAT MAN IS OTHERWORLDLY AND WE DON’T DESERVE HIM. Anyways, this imagine is based on the song “Once upon a dream” by Lana Del Rey and I don’t know why but lately, all her songs have been reminding me of Mark (I literally wrote at least 10 Mark imagines based on her songs ugh I can’t get over her last album and how almost every single song makes me think of Mark) I’m #sorrynotsorry this is so long but I hope you all enjoy! This is honestly the reason why I’m failing in my marine science class BUT WHATEVER (BTW, if you’re a JB stan, I suggest you stay away. Don’t say I didn’t warn you)

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream I know you, that look in your eyes is so familiar a gleam And I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem But if I know you, I know what you'll do You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream

“Hey boss, there’s a lady on the line. She’s wondering if we can cater to her wedding.” You smiled politely at your sous chef as he popped his head in to your office and silently thanked him before picking up the phone.

“Thank you for calling Sunrise Restaurant, this is y/n. How may I help you today?”

A soft and gentle voice quickly answered. “Hello. I’m a big fan of you and your cooking. I’ve been to your restaurant many times and I think your food would be perfect to serve to the guests at my wedding. Do you guys cater?”

You took a second to think about it. You owned a decent sized restaurant, but the amount of chefs you had were enough to cook for your customers. There were three sous chefs, two prep cooks and one line cook. No one has ever asked you to cater for an event before, so you didn’t think you and your team, no matter how talented and hard working they all were, were capable of taking on such a task. However, the thought of it did excite you. If things were to be a success and the guests of her wedding were to appreciate your food the way the lady on the phone seemed to, your restaurant would become even more successful this bringing in so much more customers. Without a second thought, you found yourself agreeing.

“When is the wedding and approximately how many people are you planning on inviting?” The line went silent for a few seconds before she spoke up again.

“It’s in August and I’m expecting at least 150 people. Is that okay?” You hummed in agreement while writing it down. Once you were finished with the call, you’d have to alert your team beforehand even if her wedding wasn’t for another five months.

“Would you mind coming in sometime this week so we could talk about the menu?” Although you couldn’t see her, the way her pitch increased made it known that she probably had a huge grin on her face.

“Of course! I’ll call you again to set up an appointment with you. You don’t know how much this means to me! Thank you so much! Have a wonderful day.”

As soon as you hung up, you released a long sigh. Sure, you were always up for a challenge, but you should’ve consulted with your fellow chefs before signing them up to something they may not want to be apart of. However, you were very confident in your team, you’ve been working with them for over three years. If anything, you considered them to be family rather than just mere employees.

After taking a few moments to relax, you made your way towards the kitchen where they were all preparing their sections for dinner service.

“Hey guys, I need to talk to you.” The smiles that were all on their faces as they chased each other around the kitchen soon were replaced with blank and worried expressions.

“It’s nothing bad. Well, that’s my opinion. I don’t know how you all will feel about it and I should have talked to you before accepting the offer, but I agreed in catering to a wedding. I’m sorry if you guys don’t want to do that but—“ you let out a soft giggle when you saw all of them releasing breaths of relief.

Two of your sous chefs Yugyeom and Jinyoung made their way toward you and tightly sandwiched you in between the two of them. Since both guys were quite taller and more broad than your petite frame, you were practically suffocating from their embrace and began playfully punching on their chests.

“How is it that the tiniest one of us is the one who tells us what to do? You’re so cute y/n. Shit, you scared us. I thought the restaurant was closing or something.”

You glared at the lanky boy and shoved him towards his section. “Hey! My restaurant is pretty amazing if I do say so myself. There’s no way I’d let this place shut down. I’ve worked too hard to open it up just to let it close.”

Soon you felt another presence behind you and arms were wrapped around your waist as he placed his chin on your shoulder. “You better watch what you say Yugyeom. She might be tiny, but she’s feisty and at the end of the day, she cuts your checks.” You absentmindedly leaned back in to Jaebum’s chest but quickly came to your senses and remembered who you were currently surrounded by. “We’re perfectly capable of handling a wedding y/n. Don’t you trust us? If we can feed at least 600 people from the time we open to the time we close everyday I’m sure we can handle a wedding. We’ll be fine. You’re an amazing chef and a wonderful restaurant owner. The client chose you for a reason. There’s nothing to worry about.” You smiled softly at the older boy while he playfully pinched your cheek, earning the two of you groans from the others.

“Stop trying to butter up the head chef Jaebum. Just because the two of you have a little thing for each other—OW. I can’t cook if my arm is in pain. Control your woman Jaebum!” Your eyes widened in shock at BamBam’s sudden revelation and right as you were about to chase after him, Jaebum softly tightened his grip around your waist.

“Don’t waste your time on him. We have customers to tend to chef. Come on, the sooner we finish, the sooner you and I can go out to dinner.”

What you and Jaebum has was hard to describe. Out of the six guys, Jaebum was the first one you met three years ago in culinary school. He was always to himself and your classmates labeled him to be mysterious. There was one time the two of you were paired up for an assignment and it was in those few weeks of working alongside each other that you learned of how kind and extremely soft he was. To most people, he was intimidating and he hardly had any friends in your major because of it; but he liked it that way. That was until he made a friend in you and from that day on, the two of you were attached to the hip.

He was the first person you reached out to when you began planning on opening up a restaurant and he was quick to agree to be one of your chefs. Although you’ve known him for quite some time now, the two of you only recently started developing feelings for each other a little over three months ago but even then, it never escalated in to more than just some flirtatious banter, lingering touches and stolen glances between you two. However, even if you wanted to consider Jaebum to be something more, your heart would never let you.

As much as you kept trying to tell yourself it was because you didn’t want to lose your friendship with him if things were to go south between the both of you, you knew there was more to it.

The night went off without a hitch as it did every night and once it was over, Jackson offered to treat everyone out to dinner as a way to celebrate your restaurant’s first catering opportunity. However, you were too tired and couldn’t wait to go to bed. This earned you multiple frowns and boos from the rest of the crew but Jaebum was quick to silence them with a scowl.

“She’s had a long day. It’s understandable. You guys have fun, I’ll take her home-“ This brought even more boos but also a couple of winks and eyebrow raises from the two youngest chefs.

“Just say you want to have y/n all to yourself. We all know neither of you are going to get any sleep tonight if you go home together—that’s it! The next time we wash uniforms I’m purposely putting a red sock in your pile you asshole. Good night y/n. Get some rest and we’ll see you again tomorrow.”

You said your goodbyes to the guys while Jaebum reached for your things and led you to his car. “Congrats again y/n. This’ll be great publicity for the restaurant if things go well with the wedding.” You felt warmth rise to your cheeks as he opened the passenger door for you. Whenever any one of the other chefs would compliment you, you’d simply smile and thank them; but whenever Jaebum said something nice about you, you always found yourself blushing.

Something about the way he’d look at you as if you were the only girl in the world would send butterflies to your tummy. However, he had yet to take things further between you both and you felt as if he was hesitant for the same reasons you were. But you liked how things were going with you and Jaebum, and your restaurant was your main focus as of right now. A relationship wasn’t in your plans at the moment, especially because of how your last one ended.

“But what if it all goes to shit Jaebum? What if I mess up? What if the guests don’t like our food? What if we forget something once we get there and what if—“ he brought his finger up to your lips in attempts to prevent you from continuing saying such negative things about yourself. Jaebum thought the world of you and hated that you never saw yourself the way he saw you.

From the first day he met you in college, he knew you were someone special. He saw how dedicated you were when it came to your craft and perfecting your dishes. He always looked up to you and could only dream of being even half of an amazing chef as you were. When you first called Jaebum to tell him you were opening your own restaurant and asked him to be one of your sous chefs, he wasn’t surprised to hear that you were opening your own restaurant. It was a dream of yours ever since you were a little girl. Jaebum was completely aware of how many extra hours you picked up at your job on top of being a full time student just to save up for a restaurant. Seeing as how you did it in less than a year after graduating was pretty impressive and he knew you had it in you.

“Will you stop that? Stop thinking so negative about yourself y/n. You’re one of the best chefs in the state. They didn’t write about you in the newspaper for no reason. It’s obvious you have a gift y/n. That lady chose our restaurant out of the hundreds of other restaurants who are known for catering and you wanna know why? Because our food is spectacular. Our recipes, our menu. It’s unique, it’s different. Our staff is entertaining, you’ve decorated the place really nicely and guess what? The owner and head chef is an extraordinary person. You are a marvel y/n. Now stop worrying that pretty little head of yours and go get some rest. We have a long week ahead of us. I’ll see you tomorrow. Sweet dreams.”

The rest of the week went by far too quickly and finally, it was the day the soon to be newlyweds were coming in to meet with you about their wedding day. The bride Erica, whose name you learned when she set up a meeting with you two days after your first call, called you just a few minutes before her scheduled time to let you know she was running late but that her fiancé was almost there and that it was fine if the two of you started without her.

You were in your office filing some paperwork when Youngjae came in and let you know that Erica’s fiancé was there. When you walked in to the dining area and saw who he was referring to, your heart sank to your chest. It was as if the whole room was spinning and you couldn’t breathe.

Three years.

It’s been three years since you last saw him.

Three years since he let you walk away from his parent’s house in tears.

It’s been three years since he broke your heart and now here he was, standing in your restaurant, waiting to meet with you to talk about his wedding. A wedding the two of you talked about many times in your almost seven years of dating. You felt like you were about to throw up. Was it too late to say you couldn’t do it? There was no way you’d be able to cater to your ex boyfriend’s wedding. You couldn’t stomach the thought.

“Y/n, aren’t you coming?” You didn’t even realize you weren’t moving until you felt the older boy tug at your wrist.

“Youngjae, I—“ If you were coming off as rude and unprofessional, you didn’t care. This was the man you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. Your first love, your soulmate, your best friend. How could you possibly cater to a wedding of a man you planned on marrying? There was no way you’d be able to do it without crying during the process. All the memories of your relationship to your last night together came rushing back and you felt tears brimming at your eyelids. Before you could turn around and attempt to walk away, you heard his breath hitch.

“Y/n.” You released an exasperated sigh before making your way towards him. “Hey. It’s been a while.” As hard as it was seeing him after all these years, you had to put on a strong face and pretend like nothing was wrong. No matter how much you were on the brink of crying. You wouldn’t let yourself cry in front of him. He didn’t deserve you or your tears.

“Please follow me. We have no time to waste. I have to start preparing for the lunch service.” The sharpness in your tone and the spine chilling glare you sent his way didn’t surprise Mark. He deserved it after what he put you through. What he wasn’t ready for, was seeing you after three years. He didn’t think he would be able to sit in a room alone with you without crying over what no longer was.

Seeing you again after how things ended between the two of you only brought back images of your puffy red eyes and tear stained cheeks. It was the worst day of his life.

When the two of you entered your office, you made your way towards your secret cabinet where you stored your alcohol and began preparing yourself a drink. When you heard him snicker, you rolled your eyes and took a shot.

“Are you allowed to drink on the job?” You poured yourself a glass of red wine before finally taking your seat in front of him.

“This is my restaurant. I can do whatever I want and I’m going to need a few sips of liquid courage if I’m going to have to deal with you.” He frowned before sitting up right so he could take a better look at you. From the day Mark met you, you always had a very bright and bubbly personality. You were one of the sweetest, kindest and most generous people Mark knew. But hearing you speak to him so harshly made him hate himself for turning you in to such a stone cold person.

“Look y/n, I can already tell that you hate having me in your presence and I’m sorry this is happening right now. You don’t have to go through with this if you don’t want to. I can talk to Erica and we can find someone else—“ You shook your head in disagreement.

“I am a chef. My professional life comes before my personal one. I’m fine. If you’re going to have a problem with dealing with me then you can go ahead and tell her you want to look someone else.” He furrowed his brows while biting his lip. It was something he did many times when he was contemplating something. You hated that you still remembered the meaning behind every single movement of his.

“I’m happy to see that you followed your dreams of completing culinary school and opening your own restaurant. I’m proud of you y/n. And you haven’t changed a bit. Still breathtakingly beautiful, as you always were. Always will be.” You scoffed in disbelief. Was he really saying all of this to you? He was engaged to be married and yet complimented you on your looks. Sure, he made it known how beautiful he thought you were every single day back when the two of you were still together, but this was a completely different story. He also had the nerve to tell you he was proud of you for following your dreams when it was the reason for your breakup in the first place? You couldn’t believe your ears.

You and Mark started dating in your freshman year of high school. He was a junior you had met in P.E. Him and his group of friends were known throughout your high school. He was the captain of both the baseball and soccer team and he was one of the only students with a car. A Lexus to be exact. Everyone was completely aware that Mark’s family owned one of the biggest technology companies in the country. However, he was very simple and modest. He wasn’t this narcissistic, big headed asshole that everyone assumed he was just because his family was rich.

One day, your class was running the mile run when you tripped on a rock and sprained your ankle. Mark was quick to run towards you and didn’t hesitate to pick you up bridal style and carried you all the way to the nurse’s office. He stayed with you for the rest of the period and in that half an hour, the two of you talked about anything and everything your hearts desired. From that day on, you became really good friends and it didn’t take long for you to fall for him. He never failed to make you laugh at the cheesiest jokes, he would always bring you snacks and made sure you were eating your meals. He would drop you home from school almost every day and when the two of you exchanged phone numbers, he would find himself texting you all kinds of memes, videos and links to posts he’d find funny.

Less than a month after your accident, he confessed his feelings for you and you were excited that he reciprocated your feelings. Dating Mark was a dream. You didn’t think he could be even more amazing as a boyfriend than he was a friend, but he proved you wrong. He took you on many dates that he’d plan out thoroughly, wrote you cute little love letters, attempted to help you with your studies even if most of the time you were together was spent making out and would end practice early just to spend as much time with you as he could. Since he was well aware that he was your first boyfriend, he let you control the pace of your relationship. He only did whatever you asked him to do and didn’t want to cross any boundaries in fear of scaring you away.

Although he’s been in multiple relationships before, you were the first girl he’s ever been in love with and he had a huge feeling you were going to be the last.

When Mark graduated from high school, you were afraid the distance was going to take a toll on your relationship. However, Mark never failed to reassure you that nothing would change between the the two of you. If anything, it brought the two of you closer. He made sure to continue picking you up and dropping you off to school because on some days, that was the only time he got to see you. And he never failed to call you and text you when he missed you.

Your life revolved around the older boy. He was all your heart knew and wanted to know. You started losing friendships because of how focused you were on your relationship but you didn’t care. Mark was your main priority and he made it obvious in his actions that he felt the same way about you.

Once you graduated from high school, you went straight in to culinary school and to say you were excited was an understatement. Cooking was a passion of yours from the time you could talk. When your siblings would watch cartoons, you found yourself watching the food network. Instead of joining a sport or some kind of dance class, you joined cooking and baking classes. There was something about the art of cooking that went beyond just throwing some instant noodles in to a pot of boiling water.

Cooking meant more to you than what it did to most people. You were lucky that you had a boyfriend that was extremely supportive in your dreams and your goals. No matter how many times you told him no, Mark would buy you everything you needed in order to cook. All the supplies you needed in your classes, he bought nothing but the best brands. There were some days you felt shy having to bring your Martha Stewart cooking set to class knowing everyone else had brands that were sold at Walmart.

Knowing that your boyfriend wanted nothing but the best for you made your heart flutter. Whenever you wanted to try a new recipe, he would always offer to be the taste tester even if you knew it was just his excuse to get a free meal; but he deserved it. Mark made it aware that he was your number one fan. The two of you moved in together not too longer after you graduated because he wouldn’t stop complaining about how much he missed you.

Even when he was back in high school, he knew he was going to take over his dad’s position at his company when he were to retire. Which is why he never got to attend college and went straight to work at their company. However, you knew deep down that Mark had dreams of his own.

You’d watch him draw pictures of buildings, you’d see him look at construction sites in awe and you’d catch him watching hgtv in the wee hours of the morning. Mark wanted to be an architect, there was no doubt about it and you knew your boyfriend was capable of becoming an amazing one. Unfortunately, whenever you’d bring the topic up to him, he’d give you a sad smile and just shrug it off; ultimately changing the topic.

One thing you both loved and hated about him was how obedient he was. He did whatever people told him to do. From an early age, he was groomed to become a CEO, even if he wanted nothing to do with the company.

On the night of your breakup, you and Mark were invited to his parent’s anniversary party. You’ve met the Tuan’s many times and they were some of the sweetest people you knew. They were also very particular when it came to their reputation and when Mrs.Tuan heard that her oldest son’s girlfriend wanted to become a chef, she wasn’t having any of it. You were all currently seated in their grand dining room area having dinner when curiosity got the best of her.

“Y/n sweetheart, you’ve been with Mark for seven years now and you’ve been in college for almost three years but I have yet to learn what it is that you’re majoring in. What are you studying dear?” You smiled widely at her but before you could say anything, you felt a pinch on your thigh. You quickly turned towards your boyfriend and frowned at his worried face, not understanding what his expression meant. But once the words “culinary arts” fell from your lips and the whole room went in to uproar, you knew exactly why Mark looked so bothered.

You felt like everyone was stabbing at your heart with every laugh that was being thrown your way and when you turned to Mark, he was staring at the ground with a blank face.

“Y/n, dear. You cannot be serious. A chef? Are you crazy? You want to cook for people? Now why in the world would you want to do that? There are so many other occupations out there much more impressive than that. Whose going to be impressed when I tell them that my future daughter in law is a cook? I’m sorry, but that just won’t do.”

You could feel your throat getting dry and you wanted the ground to swallow you whole in that moment. As much as you liked and respected Mark’s family, you couldn’t go past the fact that they were looking down on you and belittling your dream career. They should accept you and your future career for what it was.

However, it wasn’t their words that were hurting you. The fact that Mark allowed them to continue attacking you and treating you as if you were some pathetic being who didn’t deserve to be there instead of defending you and your dream is what was slowly tearing you apart. How could he claim to support you in everything you did, love you more than anything or anyone in the world and want nothing but the best for you, yet fail to protect you from his family? His silence spoke volumes, which is why you weren’t surprised when your next few words fell from your mouth.

“You have nothing to worry about Mrs.Tuan, because I have no plans on marrying your son for that matter. I refuse to marry in to a family who doesn’t accept nor support my dreams and I refuse to change a thing about for anyone but myself. Thank you for having me tonight. I wish you all nothing but the best. Happy anniversary.” You did not waste any time getting out of there and mentally cursed yourself as you remembered Mark drove the both of you to his parent’s house.

You started briskly walking to the nearest bus stop seeing as how it was getting quite late. Tears began to fall from your cheeks when you came to the realization that Mark wasn’t chasing after you, but you knew his family probably kept him from doing so.

Throughout your walk, a part of you felt as if you should’ve kept your mouth shut. No matter how much the Tuan family seemed to like you, you should’ve known that they were people who cared about their wealth and social status. But another part of you refused to give up on your dreams in order to impress people who clearly didn’t deserve you at all.

The fact that Mark didn’t fight for you or for your relationship is what was killing you the most. You loved him with every fiber of your being. You had plans to settle down with him, get married to him, have kids with him; you wanted it all. Now, you wanted nothing to do with him. You were going to head back to your shared apartment in order pack up everything and head back to your parent’s place. When you finally reached the bus stop, you called your mom up and explained the whole situation to her.

You’ve never heard your mom swear so many times in one sentence before. She was fuming and she had every right to be. As much as she wanted to be angry with Mark, she was much more disappointed. Parents claim to want nothing but the best for you. However, if you feel in your heart that what they want for you, isn’t what you need, it’s up to you to decide whether or not you’re going to take responsibility for your own life, or continue to let them tell you what to do. Mark would always do whatever his parents wanted him to and there was nothing you could do about it.

Once you hung up the phone with your mom, you took a look at yourself and let out a hysterical laugh. You were a mess. Your eyes were swollen and your cheeks were red and puffy. It just occurred to you that you lost the love of your life. This was it for the two of you and you didn’t know what you were going to do. How were you going to live without the man who was all that you knew? You were so deep in your thoughts that you failed to notice Mark trying to get in touch with you. After a few moments, you saw his Lexus pull up to the bus stop and you turned towards the other direction.

“Y/n. I am so fucking sorry baby I—“ he got out of the car and made his way towards you but you continued to give him the silent treatment. When he came in to view, you refused to look at him.

Your mind felt disgusted with the boy kneeling in front of you. Where was the man who held you as you cried because finals were too hard? Where was the man who stayed up till the wee hours of the morning to take care of you when you got the flu? Where was the man who bought you twelve different pints of ice cream once because he knew how much you loved ice cream? Where was the man who cried in to your shoulder when Moana’s grandmother died? Where was the man who told you he loved you more than life itself and promised you the sun, the moon and the stars? It was clearly not the little boy on his knees in front of you. The boy in front of you chose his family, his pride and his reputation over you. Over your seven year relationship. Over your love, your happiness, your life and future together. This was not the man you loved.

“Don’t. Just go Mark. They’re probably waiting for you. Go.” He shook his head and wrapped his arms tightly around your legs as he placed his chin on your thighs. “Mark, get up. You’re being ridiculous.”

He began to cry in to your lap and you could feel the tears building up again. One of the things you loved most about Mark was how sensitive he was. He cried over many different things and you knew it was because he had a big heart. Whenever he would cry, you’d find yourself crying too. You hated seeing Mark cry, but he never cried over you. He never had a reason to, until now. He made a mistake, and he was now paying for it.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve said something. I’m so fucking stupid. But you need to understand that—“ you groaned in disbelief.

“I need to understand what Mark? That I’m not good enough for you? Or your family? That I’m considered trash to you because I want to become a chef? What’s so good about you huh? You’re taking over a company. Woohoo! Good for you! We all know that’s not what you want. It’s being handed over to you. You don’t have to do shit. I’m sorry I don’t come from a wealthy family like you. Things don’t get handed to me on a silver platter like they do for you Mark. I have to work for the things that I want. You made me feel like shit. Like I’m nothing in front of your family. You made me feel as if you were ashamed of me and my career path when you are the number one person who pushes me to go after my goals and chase after my dreams.”

His sobs only became louder the longer you explained your thoughts to him, but you didn’t care. He needed to know how pathetic he made you feel.

“How do you think your parents would react if they knew their son put hundreds of dollars from their company in to buying me cooking equipment? I bet they wouldn’t be too pleased knowing you’d leave work early in order to come support me at my competitions and drive me to wherever I needed to go. Nor would they be too happy knowing you paid off my entire tuition no matter how many times I begged you not to. Love is about sacrifices Mark. You claim to love me and up until tonight I know you did, but you failed to sacrifice your pride for me and I don’t think I can ever forgive you for that. Thank you, for showing me your true colors tonight. I’m glad I found out who you really are and what your main priorities are now rather than later as I waste the rest of my life with you.”

He finally took his face off of your lap and looked up at you. Seeing the broken look on his face made you want to cry again, but you held yourself together. He gripped both of your wrists before roughly connecting your lips together. Your heart was begging you to react to the kiss. You wanted to be understanding, you knew how hard it was for Mark having to choose between his family and you. But if they were really his family, they would love you and support you no matter what the case and they failed to do so.

You knew this was probably your last few moments with him and as much as you wanted to hate him, the love you had for him would always be stronger. Seven years of your life spent with him was not going to disappear in a matter of seconds. So you were selfish and allowed him to kiss you for the time being. Just a few seconds later, you pulled away and placed one more kiss on his lips.

“Come on, we’ll talk about this more at home—“ You shook your head in disagreement and you could feel him grip on to the hem of your party dress.

“Y/n, please. Please baby. Hear me out. Let me make things right, please. I can’t lose you. You mean everything to me y/n. I love you so fucking much. I can’t live without you. Are you really going to let seven years go to shit because you want to be stubborn?”

You scowled as you tried to pry him off of you. “DON’T YOU DARE GIVE ME THAT SHIT. YOU DECIDED TO LET SEVEN YEARS GO TO SHIT WHEN YOU FAILED TO DEFEND ME. WHEN YOU FAILED TO PROTECT ME. WHEN YOU LET YOUR FAMILY LAUGH AT ME AND TALK NEGATIVELY ABOUT ME AND MY DREAMS. You should have grown a fucking pair and told your parents just how proud you are of me and how supportive you are of my occupation but no. You let your mom make me feel stupid and inferior because she doesn’t think my occupation is good enough for you. You always have to do what mommy and daddy tell you huh? I’m sorry. I refuse to let anyone tell me how to live my life. I love myself too much for that. I love you Mark, and I’m always going to love you. But I love myself more. So much more. Have a nice life and take care of yourself.”

With perfect timing, the bus stopped in front of the curb and you grabbed your things while quickly getting on. You faintly heard him calling after you, but you made your way towards the back and plugged in your headphones. It felt like a huge weight was taken off of your shoulders. Once you reached your apartment, you released a sigh of relief when you noticed he wasn’t there and began to pack away all your things. You were going to miss this place. So many memories were made here and you couldn’t help but reminisce.However, tonight’s events would not stop playing in your mind and you decided to push back all memories of Mark to the back of your thoughts.

You successfully put away all your things before he could come home and stop you and made your way to your car in order to drive to your parents house. You haven’t seen or heard from Mark since that dreadful night and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t miss him or thought about him from time to time. But you knew what you deserved and like he’s told you multiple times before, you deserved nothing but the best and that’s the only thing you were going to accept.

“Yeah. All my hard work paid off. Let’s get started on this shall we?” You tried your best to look anywhere but at him. There was no doubt Mark was good looking. He was the most handsomest man you’ve ever laid your eyes on and like a fine wine, he only gets better with age. However, you could still see remnants of the teenage boy you fell in love with many years ago. You knew you wouldn’t be able to concentrate if you were to look at him.

“Let’s start off with allergies. What is Erica allergic to?” When he didn’t respond after a few minutes, you gave up on giving him the cold shoulder and finally looked up at him. You looked at him in curiosity and he shrugged at you. “You don’t know what your fiancée is allergic to? Seriously?”

Hearing his name and the word fiancée together sent an unsettling feeling to your stomach. You’ve always dreamt of going through this with him. Planning things for your wedding. Talking with a florist, a catering company, a baker, hiring a wedding planner. You would always find yourself planning your future wedding and Mark would always join in. Knowing he wanted to be involved always made your heart melt in to a puddle. That should be you sitting next to him with his ring on your finger, but things just weren’t meant to work out that way. You could only hope Erica was nearby so you could get this whole thing over with.

“If I’m being honest, I don’t know much about her. So we should just wait for her to come.” You released a frustrated sigh before humming in agreement.

“So, how is the restaurant doing so far? I like how you decorated the place. It’s really—you. The wallpaper, the booths and tables, the flooring, the fairy lights, the wooden plaques you always loved buying from Tj Maxx. If you don’t mind me asking, why Sunrise? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice name. But why?”

You furrowed your brows and took a sip of your wine. You couldn’t believe you were going to tell him the reason, especially because it had to do with him and your relationship. But you were never one to lie. “Remember that one day we were watching the sunset at the beach and I began to cry because I was upset at the thought of how all beautiful things come to an end?” He nodded in remembrance of the memory and motioned for you to continue.

“When we broke up, I was a wreck. For months. Hell, almost an entire year. I don’t know how I did it, but I graduated from culinary school with a 3.6 g.p.a and worked at multiple restaurants, trying to get as much food service experience as possible. I saved up enough money to open up a restaurant and here I am today. This restaurant had no name for two months because nothing sounded good to me. One of my sous chefs told me it’s always the darkest before the dawn and that with every sunset, there is a sunrise. As corny as it sounds, with the sunset of our relationship, came there sunrise of all my hard work and success. I lost you, but I gained myself. I achieved all my goals and now look, I own a five star restaurant. I’m a boss bitch if I do say so myself.”

This earned you a soft giggle and you didn’t realize how much you missed his laugh until you heard it again. Mark had one of those distinct and very contagious laughs. Although he was almost 27 years old, he had the cutest little high pitch laugh that you were sure could cure cancer. “Y/n, I—“ before he could continue his sentence, there was a knock on the door.

“Oh my God, I am so sorry. I had a doctor’s appointment at 11 but it ended up being pushed back till 11:30. I also made a quick stop to my favorite bakery which is right next door. Here y/n, this is for you. This is one of their most popular items, a peanut butter and raspberry jelly croissant. I hope you like it.”

You gave her a soft smile before attempting to reach for it but Mark was quick to pull the paper bag away. “Mark—“ he took the pastry and placed it back in to the plastic bag she was holding.

“Y/n is allergic to peanuts and she hates raspberries. Just save it for yourself and eat it later.” You looked at him in awe. Mark was always such an amazing listener. He always asked you so many questions about yourself and what you were allergic to was one of his first questions even before the two of you started dating. You found yourself warming up at the thought of how attentive he used to be whenever it came to you, but you quickly came back to your senses. He was getting married. Even if seeing him again awakened some feelings you still had for him, you couldn’t let little things like that affect you in any way.

Hate was a very strong word. You couldn’t say you hated Mark. You could never hate him, no matter how much you wanted to. But you were disappointed in him and you didn’t know which feeling was worst.

“Wait, how do you know—“

“We were talking about allergies before you came. Can you tell her yours, I have no clue.”

Seeing the way the two of them were interacting made you confused. For two people who were getting married in a few months, they sure didn’t act like a couple and by the looks of it, Mark seemed irritated with her. She was completely oblivious towards his emotions, but you’ve been with him long enough to know when someone was getting on his nerves.

How could they be getting married when it felt as if neither of them wanted to be there? It’s as if the woman on the phone and the one sitting in front of you were two completely different people. She didn’t have the excited tone in her voice like she did a few days prior and you couldn’t help but feel her fiancé had something to do with it.

“Okay, how about we decide on the way the food will be served first? Did you guys want a buffet, or would you rather the dinner be brought to the guests?” Mark leaned back in his chair and shrugged his shoulders. He was making it pretty clear that he didn’t want anything to do with the decision making, nor did he seem to care about the wedding in general. You couldn’t help but get curious about their relationship, not that it was any of your business. You were consulting them about a catering inquiry not having a couples therapy session. And what did it matter to you anyway? Mark was in your past and you planned on keeping him there at all costs.

While you and Erica continued to go through the menu, it felt as if Mark wasn’t even there. However, you could feel his eyes on you the entire time. Your assumptions were confirmed when you turned to face him as Erica brought up what she was interested in having.

“Maybe we could do a surf and turf? So maybe some type of meat with lobster or crab—“ You looked at Mark and your breath hitched when you saw that he was already looking at you.

“Mark’s allergic to shellfish.” Although you looked away before either of them could respond, the smirk that rose on his face made your heart rate increase.

“Oh, really? Well, in that case we could go with salmon or maybe cod?” Mark sat upright and placed his hands on the table as if he was now interested in the conversation. The rest of the meeting ran smoothly, or so you kept trying to tell yourself. As you and Erica continued to make decisions, Mark would throw in unnecessary comments and you couldn’t help but feel as if he was doing it purposely to get under your skin. But you didn’t let it bother you in any way. You weren’t going to allow him to get to you. Not anymore.

“If you don’t mind me asking, how did the two of you meet?” Once the question fell from your lips, you were quick to notice the way Mark tensed up and you were extremely curious as to why. Why did that question seem to bother him?

“Oh, well our fathers are company partners and they thought we’d be a good match for each other.” A bitter laugh fell from your lips as you ignored the fact that Erica was there and turned towards Mark.

“Still doing everything daddy tells you huh? Why am I not surprised?” He glared at you but he knew he had no right to fire back. It was the truth. The two of you were so busy in your own little stare down that you failed to notice how confused Erica now was.

“I’m sorry, am I missing something here? Do you two know each other?”

You gave her a sad smile and nodded in agreement. “Knew. We went to school together. That’s pretty much it. Well, I think we’re done here for today. If you have any more questions Erica or need to update the menu, feel free to call the restaurant and I’d be happy to help. Have a nice day.”

She quietly thanked you before making her way out, however, when she noticed Mark wasn’t following after her she tugged on his wrist. “Come on Mark, we have to meet with the florist.”

You knew there were so many things he probably wanted to say to you, but you didn’t want to hear it. This meeting was nothing but a coincidence. But you couldn’t help but feel like it was the universe trying to tell you something. Out of the hundreds and thousands of people living in your hometown, how could your ex boyfriend and his soon to be wife be your first catering client? There was no way this happened by coincidence.

After the two of them left your office, you sank to your knees and began to cry. Why did seeing him again after three years upset you so much? Your sobs filled the room and you felt as if you couldn’t breathe. You were so caught up in crying that you failed to notice Jaebum enter the room until you were brought on to his lap.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Shhh, you’re fine y/n. I’m here. Everything going to be alright.” He continued to console you and gently rocked you back and forth to try and get you to calm down. He ran his fingers through your hair and placed a few soft kisses on your forehead. Not too long after he entered your office, you stopped crying and sighed in to his chest.

“Have you ever had your heart broken before Jaebum?” The sudden question flustered the older boy and he didn’t know how to respond.

“Y/n—“ you frowned at his worried expression.

“That man that just left, he’s my ex boyfriend. Ironic isn’t it? I’m catering to my ex boyfriend’s wedding. This has to be a joke. Someone must’ve set me up, this is bullshit. There’s no way I can cater to his wedding. Is it too late to cancel Jaebum? I know it’s unprofessional, but look at me. I’m a fucking wreck and this was only the first meeting. What more at the actual wedding?”

Jaebum didn’t know how to respond. It was clear that seeing Mark again was ruining you and the walls you’ve took so long to build up after your relationship ended. He didn’t know what to do or how to help you. He wasn’t aware of the situation and even if you’ve known each other for a while, he had no clue who Mark was. His heart hurt for you. Seeing you so distraught over your ex and this unfortunate situation broke his heart and all he could do was hold you as you cried. Once your sobs began to slow down, you slowly got up from off of his lap and wiped your tears before giggling softly.

“Sorry, I ruined your uniform and I probably kept you from doing something important—“ he brought his finger up to your cheek and wiped away a few of your tears.

“Will you stop apologizing? God, how you are still so cute after crying is beyond me. What am I going to do with you y/n? You are the strongest and most hardworking person I know. I’m sure it is a lot to take in, but you’ll be fine. We’ve had people complain about our food, compare us to other restaurants and even walk out without paying for their meals and you’ve handled each and every negative situation with so much class because that’s who you are. If you decide that you don’t want to go along with this, then you don’t have to. But the y/n I know isn’t going to let something like this get in the way of her passion. You don’t have to tell me everything, just know that I’m here for you if you need to talk. Why don’t you just call it a day y/n? I can handle it from here. Maybe go to the spa or something. Take your mind off of what went down today.”

You shook your head in disagreement before pulling him in for a hug. “I’m a big girl Jae. Although a relaxing day at the spa sounds nice, I’ll be fine. Thank you for consoling me. I should be outside in a few, I just have to finish up with their menu.” He placed one more kiss on your forehead and gave you a sad smile before heading back to the kitchen.

Jaebum was right, there was no way you could work without making a mistake. Thoughts of Mark were clouding you your mind. An arranged marriage. He was getting married to someone because his family set him up for it. Although you didn’t feel like you had the right to think like that, it was only natural that you did. You watched them interact. You paid attention to the way Mark looked at his fiancée in disgust. It was nothing compared to the way he would look at you. Whenever Mark looked at you, your heart would always combust. He looked at you as if you were one of the seven wonders of the world. Whenever Mark looked at you, you couldn’t help but feel like the most ethereal being he’s ever laid eyes on.

He looked at Erica like she was scum under his toes. She didn’t seem all too happy with him either, but she was handling it better than he was. Taking Jaebum’s advice, you took off your uniform, grabbed your things and made your way towards the kitchen. As the guys heard you coming in, you noticed how quick they pulled away from the huddle they were formed in and you knew Jaebum had probably warned them about your frazzled state.

“Hey boss, we’re ready whenever you are.” You smiled softly at Youngjae while playfully running your fingers through his soft, blue locks.

“I’m not feeling all too well. I’m sorry guys. I’m going to call it a day if that’s okay. Jaebum is in charge, please don’t give him a hard time. If you need anything, feel free to call me. I’ll be back tomorrow. Thank you for all your hard work.” The guys nodded in agreement and said their goodbyes as you made your way towards the door.

“Please get some rest. And don’t overthink too much. Call me if you need to okay? I’m always here for you.” You grinned up at the handsome man and gently pinched his cheek.

“Who knew the oh so intimidating and mysterious Im Jaebum would be such a softie for little old me? Thank you again. I’ll see you tomorrow. If I come back tomorrow and the restaurants in flames, I’ll kick your ass.” His laughter filled the room and he jokingly shoved you out the door.

For the rest of the day, you did whatever you could to take your mind off of the fact that Mark was back in your life. You thought you were over him completely. Or at least, that’s what you kept telling yourself. It was one thing to say you had no feelings for someone when they were no longer in your life.

But now that you saw him and talked with him, the love you had for him all those years ago came rushing back. He was your first love, there was no way you could pretend that nothing ever happened between the two of you.

A week after your extremely awkward meeting with Mark and Erica, business only increased, giving you a chance to focus on other things rather than your ex boyfriend who seemed to be clouding up your thoughts. Unfortunately, Mark took your little run in as a sign of fate. He was a realist. Like you had thought right after talking with him, there was no way this was a coincidence. Erica could have picked any catering company to reach out to but she chose your restaurant instead.

Mark never believed in things like fate, or soulmates. But that was all before he met you. When you came in to his life, you were all his heart craved to know. You were all he longed for and everything he’s ever dreamt of. You weren’t aware of how much he regrets that night at his parents house and if he had the chance, he’d do whatever he could to go back in time to change the turn of events. He was miserable without you. Heartbreak was a foreign word to him. Since the two of you were madly in love with each other and planned to spend the rest of your lives together at one point, he didn’t think he would ever experience the pain that people claimed came with a broken heart. However, right after you got on the bus and walked out of his life, he knew you took a huge part of him with you. He hasn’t been the same since.

He wanted to chase after you, to beg you to forgive him. He would take any beating or any negative words you threw at him because God knows he deserved it. But instead he let you go. The damage was done and he knew that even if you were to forgive him, you’d never forget what he did. He’s never been with anyone since you left. Mark knew there was no one else for him. You were it and you’d always be. Which is why he made a vow to focus on nothing but work. He took on extra shifts in attempts to get you off of his mind, but it never worked. He couldn’t stop thinking about how those words fell from your lips and slapped him across the face.

You have nothing to worry about Mrs.Tuan, because I have no plans on marrying your son for that matter.

Once you said those words to his mom, he knew it was over. He didn’t even have to look at you to know that you were upset and as soon as you left the table, he got up and ran out in to the yard, screaming and punching at anything in sight while kicking down both the mailbox and trash can. Mark didn’t give two shits about his family’s company, he didn’t care about their wealth or social status. He’d give it all up if it meant getting you back in his life again. He still had a hard time understanding why he didn’t just speak up and tell his family the truth. If he wasn’t such a coward, the two of you would still be together and he’d be cheering you on and giving you his endless support like he always did.

Unfortunately, Mark wasn’t like you. He didn’t have the strength or courage to go against his family and chase after his dreams like you did. He cared about what people thought about him. He didn’t want his family to be upset with him. But hearing them talk so negatively about the girl he loved more than any single one of them made him angry beyond belief. You were right. By not defending you, he chose them. Whoever said blood is thicker than water had to be an idiot. You meant more to Mark than anyone sitting at that table that night, but being the pathetic man he was, he couldn’t find it in himself to go against his mother’s wishes.

He knew they wanted nothing but the best for him, or at least that’s what he thought. It took him years after your break up to come to terms with the fact that the Tuan’s would rather their son be miserable marrying the daughter of a wealthy business man who couldn’t give less of a shit about him other than his money, than to allow him to be with the love of his life who happened to be a chef. If they knew just how successful you and your restaurant had become, they wouldn’t have been so judge-mental towards you.

As the years went by and Mark made it known that he had no interest in a relationship with anyone other than you, Mr.Tuan took it upon himself to find his son a bride. There was no way Mark could take control of such a big company without an equally successful woman by his side. When his father gave him the news that he was setting him up with the daughter of one of the company’s partners, Mark was floored. How could his father allow him to marry someone he never had met before let alone develop feelings for?

Erica was a very sweet and soft spoken person and in Mark’s opinion, things could be worse. But he knew he could never look at her in a romantic way. He could never look at anyone the way he looked at you. It was his karma, but being the pushover he was, not being able to speak up against his parents, he found himself agreeing to the arranged marriage. His father kept trying to convince him that maybe somewhere along the line, the more time he spent with Erica, sooner or later he would develop some sort of feelings for her. It’s been almost a year since they started “dating” and the only skin-ship they shared between each other was the handshake that sealed the deal of their engagement.

The word miserable couldn’t describe even half of what Mark was feeling. From the day you broke up with him up until now, he never stopped thinking about you. How you were doing, how school was treating you, how life would be like for the two of you if he just spoke up and praised you the way you deserved, if you missed him the way he missed you. If you still loved him, the way he couldn’t stop loving you. Seeing you again the other day made his heart both flutter and sink. He was meeting with you in regards to his wedding. Although you weren’t aware of the situation between him and Erica and he was sure you were moved on, a part of him felt guilty. Here he was with his fiancée, asking you to cater to their wedding.

Not only did he feel uncomfortable being in a room with you, his ex-girlfriend and the woman he was still so madly in love with, but he was hiring you to do something his family practically laughed at you for doing. There was no way he could do that to you, but he had no choice. It took him every bone in his body not to walk behind your desk and pull you in to his embrace.

There weren’t enough words to describe just how much he missed you. Mark didn’t think it was possible, but you were even more beautiful than when he last saw you. Your hair was longer, your eyes still had that pretty glow that he loved so much, your already petite frame got even smaller and you radiated so much confidence as you spoke. He was an idiot for letting you go and he’d never let himself live it down.

As he made his way back to the apartment the two of you shared together, he began thinking about what to do to make things right between the two of you. Now that he knew where to find you and that there was a chance he’d get to see you a few more times, he had to do whatever he could to get you to forgive him. It was too late for you to become a couple again and he accepted that. But that didn’t mean the two of you couldn’t be friends and if that was the only way he could have you in his life, then so be it. He’d take whatever he could get.

You could pretend as if you were unbothered by his presence, but Mark knew you like the back of his hand. Hell, he knew you just a bit more than you knew yourself. If you didn’t care about him, you wouldn’t have spoke up about his allergies, nor would you have brought up the fact that he hates artichokes. You wouldn’t have stolen glances at him the way you were when you thought he wasn’t looking.

He saw how you smiled to yourself when he took the donut away from you and had to stop himself from blushing at the sight. He was older now and considerably more mature. Although he was still living by his parent’s rules, attempting to make his way back in to your life was a rule he was willing to break. That’s if you’d let him of course.

When you went in to work one morning, your office was surrounded with dozens of sunflower arrangements and you knew exactly who they were from. Only one person knew how much you loved sunflowers; it was the same person who could not leave your mind. You furrowed your brows in confusion, why was he sending you flowers? Just because you had to work for him did not mean anything. You weren’t planning on reconnecting again. You just wanted the whole wedding to hurry up and be over with so that Mark would be out of your life completely and you could get your sanity back.

Each bouquet had a card on it with different phrases and quotes you loved and you could feel warmth rising on your cheeks. You felt a tear against your cheek, but you refused to let any more fall. Did Mark think that sending you a bunch of flowers was going to fix what he broke years ago? He was getting married to someone who wasn’t you, so why was he sending you flowers? What did it mean?

“Hey y/n, the food supplier is here—holy shit. It’s like a garden in here. These are obviously not from Jaebum, he doesn’t have the brains nor the money to think about buying all of this. Do you have a secret admirer? He must be rich. So that’s your type then huh boss? I better let Jaebum down easy—OW! For someone who claims I am your favorite, you always seem to show your affection through abuse. My bruise from the soup ladle you whacked me with is still healing you know!”

You rolled your eyes before throwing on your apron and motioned the blue haired boy out of the room. “I think you’ve been spending too much time with Jackson and BamBam these days Youngjae. You’ve been exceptionally nosy and I hate that those two losers corrupted my sweet little line cook in to a monster. Don’t worry about the flowers, worry about the vegetables that need chopping. Shoo.”

He playfully frowned while exiting and closed the door behind him. You couldn’t help but smile at the fact that he remembered what your favorite flowers are. Every Valentine’s Day and birthday you celebrated together, no matter what gift he gave you, he’d always give you a bouquet of sunflowers. There was one bouquet that you had yet to read the letter attached and since curiosity got the best of you, you found yourself reading it.

“I don’t care what you think, I know it’s fate that brought us together again. You don’t have to forgive me if you don’t want to, but since we’ll be seeing each other every so often, it wouldn’t hurt to be civil. Give me a call when you get the chance.-MT”

You released a frustrated sigh before plopping down in your chair. This man was going to be the death of you. As your mind began to have an internal argument with your heart, you found yourself reaching for your phone and sent him a quick text, thanking him for the flowers and asking him when he was free. Sure, there was no going back to what used to be; but he had a point. You couldn’t keep acting so cold towards him. The obvious animosity between the two of you which was more so on your part wasn’t going to make things any easier. He was quick to respond, letting you know that he was willing to meet right now if you were free in which you found yourself agreeing to.

There were red flags going off in your head, but you didn’t care. It’s not like he’d be able to hurt you again, there was no chance of getting back together. Once the wedding was over, he’d be a married man and the two of you would go back to being strangers again. It bothered you that you were upset at the thought of no longer seeing him once this was all done but deep down you knew it was the fifteen year old girl who fell in love with Mark all those years ago that was making the decision for you.

“Y/n, where did you move the first aid kit? Yugyeom’s dumb ass cut his finger again—wow. Are you giving up cooking to pursue decorating flower arrangements?” You shoved the older boy before removing your apron and reaching for your bag.

“I have to meet up with someone. Can you let Jaebum know? I should be back in an hour. Thanks Jinyoung.” Before he could open his mouth to say anything, you were making your way out of the restaurant. You began feeling nervous, but at the same time a part of you felt happy to see him again and you hated yourself for feeling that way.

He asked you to meet him at a coffee shop the two of you would always frequent back when you were together. He chose that place on purpose, you were sure of it. First the sunflowers, now your favorite cafe you haven’t been to since the breakup. He was trying to get you to reminisce on what once was and you weren’t going to allow yourself to fall for it. After pulling up to the shop and parking your car, you made your way in to the coffee shop and it didn’t take long for you to see him sitting in the corner. You walked over towards him and your heart warmed when a smile rose on his face as soon you made eye contact with each other.

“Hey! I’m not taking you out of work or anything am I?” You shook your head in disagreement and took a seat. You’d be lying to yourself if you said he didn’t look good. He was growing out his hair and you couldn’t help but smile at the thought of him doing it for you. Mark would always complain about how his hair would get in his eyes once it grew a certain length but you made sure he was aware of how much his long hair would turn you on. At one point, his hair went past his neck and that’s when you decided it was time he got a haircut. The memory made you smile to yourself.

“I ordered your usual if that’s okay. If you’re not in to ice caramel macchiatos with coconut milk anymore I can go change it—“ he stood up but you motioned for him to sit back down. It was so cute how flustered he was acting towards you. Were you really in a relationship with this man for over seven years? He was acting as if it was your first date all over again.

“That’s fine Mark. It sounds really good actually. I haven’t been here for quite a while. I’m glad to see it hasn’t changed a bit.” The two of you sat in silence for a few moments and you tried to look around the room in attempts to feel less awkward until he spoke up.

“I’m sorry.”

You looked up at him in curiosity and decided to stay silent as he continued. “I’m very grateful you agreed to meet up with me. I don’t deserve to be here with you right now and I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but you didn’t let me explain myself at the bus stop—“

Why did he feel like this was a good environment to talk about your failed relationship? You were sure he knew you were probably going to cry, so why did he want to talk about such a sensitive topic in the public? “Mark—“ timing always seemed to be on your side. The waitress came over and gave you both your drinks all the while handing you a cranberry scone. You could feel your throat getting dry as your tears began to form. This was all too much for you to handle but you didn’t want to cause a scene, so you quietly thanked the waitress and kept your eyes on the table.

“Erica and I, I’m sure you’re aware of it. You’ve always been so good at observing people. We’re not an actual couple. My father set me up for an arranged marriage with her in order to strengthen our companies together. I haven’t been in a relationship since our break up and because of this, my father took matters in to his own hands and being the weakling I am, I agreed to go along with it. But I hate it y/n. The meeting we had the other day was the first time I’ve seen her in months and she’s taking this whole arrangement better than I am but I’m sure she’s just as upset if not more with her father. I haven’t been treating her too kindly and it’s not her fault that this is happening, but you and I both know I don’t want to spend my life with anyone other than you. It’s always been you y/n. I meant what I said when I told you we were soulmates.”

You took a sip of your drink, but you didn’t have much of an appetite the more he continued to talk. As much as you didn’t think you could continue listening to him confess his feelings for you, you wanted to hear what he had to say. Which is why you found yourself still sitting in front of him instead of running out like you probably would have if he did something like this right after your break up.

“I should’ve stood up to my parents, and told them how proud I was of you. How proud I am of you. Look at you. You’re one of the most youngest and extremely successful chefs in the country. You have your own restaurant and achieved everything you said you were going to do. You’re such a wonderful human being y/n and I hate myself for humiliating you and making you feel worthless. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m still so fucking in love with you and it fucking sucks because it’s my fault we’re like this. I don’t know how you feel about me, you could hate my guts for all I know but I deserve it. It’s obvious there’s no way we can be together again and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to get back with me even if there was a chance for us. But I have to go through with this wedding and I think this is my karma. I have to spend the rest of my life being miserable because of the choice I made that night. You have to admit though, meeting up again after all of these years is fate.” He scratched the back of his neck, something he always did when he felt as if he was upsetting you.

“I’m not going to lie, I found myself searching you up on several occasions to see how you were doing, to see if you accomplished what you put yourself out to do. There were so many times I found myself standing outside of your restaurant, but I didn’t think I deserved to come in. When Erica told me where she was planning on getting the food from, I felt a tad bit excited at the thought of seeing you again. I’ve missed you so much y/n. I can’t even describe how painful it was to lose you. The day I let you walk away was the worst day of my life. If I could go back to that night and did what I should’ve done, I would.”

You scoffed in disbelief. “But you can’t Mark. The damage is done, so take it for what it is. You didn’t love or care for me enough to think that something like this would happen. You should have known that you would have to choose between me and your family and you chose them. You knew how becoming a chef was my one and only dream; that’s why you supported it. When your mom laughed in my face and tried to make me feel pathetic for wanting to be a chef, it felt like a slap in the face and I didn’t care how much I loved you. I wouldn’t have given up my career to impress your family or to find another job that would make me miserable just to be good enough for you.” You clenched your jaw and could feel your anger building up. You were afraid of saying something you would soon regret if you were to stay a little while longer.

“I tried telling myself that it was hard for you, to choose between your mom and I, but if I were in your shoes, I would’ve chose you. I would’ve done anything for you Mark. I didn’t care about anyone or anything other than my passion for cooking and you. You were all that I thought I could ever need. So that’s why I was devastated when you didn’t seem to have the same mindset that I had. I don’t know what you wanted to come out of our meeting today and I’m sorry if you thought that by apologizing, I would magically end up back in your arms again. It doesn’t work that way Mark. I think it’s best for us to pretend as if we don’t know each other. You’re just another client to me. What we had was indescribably beautiful, but it is no longer. Nor will it ever be again. I’m sorry you’re being forced in to marriage, but you do have a say in it. You just can’t go against your parents wishes. You’re a grown man Mark. Not everything your parents want for you is what’s best for you. It’s okay to choose yourself sometimes. Thank you for the coffee and the scone. Have a nice rest of your day.”

You ran out of the cafe and quickly got in to your car before you could react to the whole interaction and soon your sobs echoed throughout your car.

I’m still so fucking in love with you.

Out of everything he said, those words stuck with you. They were haunting you and you knew you still loved him too. There was no doubt about it. But there was nothing either of you could do about it. He was getting married and with the way he was allowing himself to go through with it, you knew he’d continue doing whatever he could to please his parents. You refused to be with someone who wouldn’t stand their ground when the situation called for it. Instead of returning back to the restaurant, you made your way home. There was no way you could work without breaking down and crying.

You texted Jaebum and let him know of your plans in which he was quick to offer to head to your place once he was finished. But you didn’t want to burden him with your problems and you wanted to be alone. Mark reached out to you, apologizing for pulling such a stunt and accepting the fact that the two of you weren’t going to be what you used to be. As the months went by, the wedding date only got closer and closer and to your surprise, you and Mark became friends.

After that day in the coffee shop, he gave you your space and didn’t hear from him unless he had to call you about the wedding. However, there was one night he called you in the wee hours of the morning and you couldn’t help but answer the call. He never used to wake you up with a phone call unless it was urgent and when you heard him crying over the phone, you knew it was serious. Mark was infamous for having panic attacks and he made it known to you that you were the only one who could get him to calm down.

He knew he was taking advantage of having your number, and he was selfish for wanting to call you. But he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop crying unless he heard your voice and that’s exactly why he dialed your number. You did your best to console him softly and soothingly and after a few moments, his sobs finally stopped. Hearing him so weak and fragile broke your heart and you decided to forget about everything negative for a little while in order to focus on him.

You loved this man for a huge chunk of your life; you weren’t going to allow him to suffer on his own if there was something you could do about it. After that night, you let him know that he could find solace in you whenever he needed to. It didn’t take long for the two of you to start talking to each other on a daily basis and you finally accepted the fact that you were falling back in love with him. However, as soon as you felt yourself gaining back your feelings for him, you had to remind yourself that he was going to be a married man in less than a month.

Although he wasn’t romantically involved with Erica, he was hers legally. You and Mark were stuck in your own little world that you failed to notice your surroundings and what was going on around you. The closer you got with Mark, the more distant you became with Jaebum and you knew it had to deal with the fact that he had feelings for you.

You liked Jaebum, there was no questioning your feelings for him. But the love you had for Mark was strong, too fierce for you to look at anyone else in the way you looked at him. If you and Jaebum were meant to be more than friends, something would’ve happened between the two of you a long time ago.

Jaebum didn’t know that Mark was the one you were constantly sneaking around to meet with, but he knew there was someone who was currently taking up all the space in your mind and possibly your heart. You didn’t realize how serious things were getting between the two of you until Erica asked to schedule a meeting with you. She never really worried about anything considering your catering share of the wedding and if she did, she would normally call you. So you were curious as to why she was wanting to meet in person. When she entered your office, she had a blank expression on her face and you were quick to notice the way her brows were furrowing as if something was on her mind. You were surprised when the question fell from her lips.

“Please be honest with me. From one woman to another, you and Mark. You weren’t just classmates, were you?”

You began to chew on your bottom lip and took a deep breath in before responding. “Did he tell you something?”

She shook her head. “No. That’s why I’m here, asking you. His dad told my dad that he thinks Mark is secretly seeing someone. Apparently Mark’s been in a very good mood lately and I couldn’t help but notice it happened right after our meeting. Please let me know if there’s anything going on between the two of you so that I can cancel this whole thing. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but I don’t want to go along with marrying him if someone else is in the picture.”

You began nervously picking at your nails and couldn’t look at her in the eyes. Although you knew that her and Mark weren’t actually together, you couldn’t help but feel guilty. But you didn’t understand why. It’s not like you and Mark were seeing each other. The two of you were just friends. However, she did have a right to worry about Mark interacting with another woman, even if you weren’t together romantically. If word got out that he was having an affair, both his and her father’s companies would receive a lot of backlash. So you could see why she wanted to know.

“Mark and I were in a relationship almost four years ago. But I promise you, there’s nothing going on between us. What he and I had was in the past. We’re friends, but that’s all we’re going to be. However, if you don’t want to go through with the wedding, do it for yourself. Mark told me about the arrangement. You shouldn’t have to get married to someone you don’t want to marry for the sake of your father’s company. You’re still so young, I’m sure there are many men out there—“

She frowned. “You don’t understand how this works do you? Our engagement is already out in the public. Hundreds of businessmen invested in to both our companies because of it. We can’t stop the wedding for no reason y/n. Mark and I may not be a couple and we both probably will never have whatever it is the two of you once had. But he and I both were groomed to take over our companies one day and we are both responsible for making decisions that will benefit our businesses. Whether we like it or not. I’m asking you now, for the sake of your business and ours. I didn’t want it to come to this, but I won’t hesitate to take your restaurant down if you do get in the way of our wedding. If you know what’s best for you, leave my fiancée alone. I’ve also decided that we will no longer be needing your services. Thank you for your time.”

With that, she took her bag and stormed out of the room, leaving you speechless. You sank lower in to your seat and your heart felt as if it was going to jump out of your chest. Erica was a very polite woman, but hearing her threaten your restaurant made your blood boil. You had no intentions of getting in the way of her and Mark’s wedding and if anything, it was him who was instigating everything between the two of you.

As much as you cared for Mark, if you continued being friends with him, both you and him would suffer the consequences. It wasn’t Erica that you were afraid of. She was all words, you knew she was just trying to scare you. You were however, afraid of what both her father and Mark’s father were capable of doing if they did find out about your friendship with your ex. You teared up at the thought of losing him again; you were getting used to his presence and having him around, now you were going to lose him permanently. However, that’s what was best for the two of you. You typed out multiple texts, letting him know that you could no longer be friends with him, but you found yourself deleting the messages all-together.

You couldn’t do it, you couldn’t lose him. Then the thought of your restaurant, your employees and all that you’ve been through to get to where you were ran through your mind and that’s why you told Mark that you could not continue your friendship and that you were no longer going to be catering to his wedding. As soon as you sent the text, you sank to your knees and cried for what felt like hours. It seemed as if every time you cried at work, Mark was the reason.

You heard a soft knock at the door and you were too distraught to ask whoever was knocking to leave you alone. When Jaebum made his way in to the room, it all felt like deja vu. Just a few months ago, he was consoling you over Mark coming back in to your life. Now here he was, rocking you back and forth at the thought of losing Mark. He didn’t say anything and continued to run his fingers through your hair as your tears kept flowing down your cheeks. When Jaebum realized that you were no longer heaving, he motioned for you to look up at him.

“It’s because of that guy Mark again isn’t it?” You shyly nodded in agreement and Jaebum sighed. “Does it have to deal with his engagement, or is it personal?” You began to contemplate telling him exactly what just went down between you and Erica just a few minutes ago. As your main sous chef and best friend, he had the right to know.

“Erica no longer wants us to cater to their wedding and it’s because she thinks Mark and I are having an affair.” You could cut the tension in the air with a knife. You could feel Jaebum frown against your neck but you didn’t want to act upon it.

“I know you y/n, you’re not the type of person to do something like that. Or at least that’s what I’d like to think. But is her assumptions true? Are you and Mark back together again?” You were quick to disagree. You didn’t think your friendship with Mark was going to get in the way of their marriage, but if Erica was willing to cut you off from catering to the wedding, then it was probably serious. After taking a few minutes to get yourself together, you explained everything to Jaebum. From the time you and Mark started dating, to the night of his parents anniversary. Then you updated him on how the two of you became friends again and he just sat there as you talked like the amazing listener he was. When he felt like you were done going in to detail about the mess you were in, he spoke up.

“You don’t still have any feelings for him, do you?” He took your silence as your answer and released a frustrated sigh. He wasn’t upset with the fact that you gained feelings for your ex boyfriend. It was inevitable. No matter what happened between the two of you and no matter how long you’ve been apart from each other, you could never forget your first love. Just like you, Jaebum was afraid of taking things further with you just in case it didn’t work out between the two of you.

He wanted you in his life whatever way he’d be able to have you, even if it meant just being your best friend. For the three years he’s known you for, there was always a part of you that you hid from the world, including himself. He knew something must’ve happened to you prior to becoming friends with you, but he never wanted to ask about it. Seeing the way you reacted right after your first meeting with Mark answered pretty much all of his questions and he knew that there was a chance you were still in love with Mark. Jaebum was there for you through it all.

He’s seen you at your lowest points, and he’s been with you through your highest. He was completely aware that you were such a tough person with a good head on your shoulders. However, after seeing you so fragile, so broken over what had just happened made him worry that not even he could fix you.

“Y/n.” You looked up at him with the saddest look on your face and Jaebum swore his heart broke in that very moment. “If it’s meant to be, it will be. Okay? Love will always find a way. You said so yourself, they’re in an arranged marriage and he’s told you multiple times that he’s still in love with you. If he loves you like he claims he does, then he’ll do whatever he has to do to make things right. Even if it means finally standing up to his parents and backing out of the wedding. If he can’t do that, then it’s obvious he doesn’t deserve you. And I’m telling you right now, if he ends up breaking your heart again y/n, I won’t hesitate to kick his ass.”

You giggled softly in to his chest before placing a chaste kiss there. You honestly don’t know what you’d do without Jaebum. Your life was so much easier with him in it. Once he felt like you were completely calmed down, he stood up and brought you up with him. He snickered at your tear stained face and placed some of your hair behind your ear.

“Come on, put on your big girl shoes and let’s get cooking. The guys and I feel as if we hardly see you nowadays and I know Mr.CEO has a lot to do with it. I hope he knows that the six of us will always be your favorite men. I’m obviously the number one man in your life.” You playfully pinched his cheek and put your hair up while Jaebum helped you with your apron.

You tried your best to focus on cooking and the jokes the guys kept making throughout the day, but you couldn’t help the fact that your mind kept wandering to Mark. Did he get your message? Did Erica talk to him? How did he feel when you told him you could no longer be apart of his life anymore? The day felt as if it was dragging on and you couldn’t wait for it to be over with. Luckily, many customers seemed to come in, giving you a chance to focus on something other than Erica and Mark. Once it was time to close, you made a beeline for your phone and frowned when you saw all the missed calls and text messages from Mark.

You weren’t ready to hear what he had to say, so you shoved your phone in your bag and packed up your things in order to go home. As you were walking towards the kitchen, you felt a gentle tug on your wrist.

“I know you’re probably going to overthink if you go home tonight and as much as you want to be by yourself, maybe it’s best if you slept over my place. Just for tonight. We could watch a movie and I’ll make you some ramen. I’ll even give you my favorite hoodie that you love so much. Please? I hate the thought of you suffering alone. We can even steal some ice cream from the freezer.”

You smirked in response, causing his grin to widen. “Fine. You had me at your hoodie. And ramen. Thank you Jaebum. You’re truly amazing you know that?” He playfully wiggled his brows at you.

“Oh I know. I’m a catch. I hope you know I wouldn’t do this kind of thing for anyone else. Jackson still complains that he has yet to see my apartment. You’re special y/n and you mean a lot to me.” You were sure he could see the blush that rose upon your cheeks, but he didn’t say anything as he took your bags and led you to his car.

The drive to his place was quiet, other than the soft jazz playing on the radio; but you liked it. It was a peaceful and calming kind of silence. Most of your rides with Jaebum would consist of loud music as the two of you would sing along to at the top of your lungs, but Jaebum knew that’s not what you needed right now. Once he pulled in to his complex, he walked over to your side and helped you out. Sometimes, you found yourself wondering how your life would be like if you and Jaebum were to end up together.

He was quite the gentleman, he knew exactly what to do to make you laugh and smile like an idiot, he took such good care of you and wanted nothing but the best for you. However, your heart always belong to Mark and over the years, you continued holding on to a tiny string of hope that he would come to his senses one day and finally choose you.

After entering his apartment, he quickly made his way to his room to get you something to wear as you took your place on his couch. You decided against looking at your phone for the rest of the night just because you didn’t want to ruin your time with Jaebum. The thought of losing Mark permanently sent an upsetting feeling to your stomach and you were sure he was doing his best to get in touch with you in order to prevent you from doing so. But there wasn’t anything you could do. The ball was in his court now. If he wanted it to be different this time, it was all up to him.

“Here. I got you some sweats too if that’s okay.” You smiled politely at him and followed him to the kitchen where he began cooking dinner for the both of you. The night was spent eating everything his fridge had to offer while watching the first three Star Wars movies. He pulled you close to him and had his arm wrapped around your shoulder throughout the entirety of the night. You’ve always felt so safe in Jaebum’s arms and you were afraid of how lost you’d feel if you no longer had him around.

Everyone and their mothers knew that Jaebum harbored feelings for you, it was painfully obvious and the guys made it known almost every day. You were afraid that knowing you were trying to mend your relationship with Mark would only ruin your friendship with Jaebum. If you had to choose between the two of them, you know you’d choose Jaebum.

Mark chose his family that night, but Jaebum always chose you no matter the circumstance. When you called him and asked him to come work for you, he already had many offers on the table from well known restaurants that he’s never told you about, but he agreed to you in a heartbeat. When his ex girlfriend at the time didn’t approve of his friendship with you and had him choose between you and her, he broke up with her the following morning.

In the first month after your restaurant opening, you hardly had any customers and you were so embarrassed. You didn’t know what to do. It came to a point where you wanted to give it all up, but the man whose arms were currently wrapped around you never let you do so. Jaebum had always known you were destined for greatness. You were the most hard working and passionate person he knew; so he did his best to put your restaurant on the map by handing out fliers, putting ads online and even handing out free samples to people. It didn’t take long for customers to start coming in and no matter how many times you’ve thanked him for making your restaurant what it was, he made sure you knew it was all because of your talent and determination.

Your heart cried for the older boy. You wished you could return the same feelings for him. However, even if Mark didn’t come back in to your life, you were sure a relationship between you and Jaebum wouldn’t blossom. The two of you have known each other for too long to put your friendship at risk if something negative were to happen.

You didn’t even realize you fell asleep on his shoulder during revenge of the sith nor did you feel the soft kiss that was placed against your lips as he placed you gently on to his bed. When you woke up the next morning, it took you a few seconds to recognize where you were; but you’ve slept over Jaebum’s apartment countless times to know you were in his room. The navy blue bed sheets and cream walls suited him. So did the Bart Simpson poster on the wall. You made your way out in to the living room and frowned when you noticed he wasn’t there. It was then that you realized what time it was and began to freak out. Did you really sleep until 11:30? It was practically already lunch time and you were about to lose your mind until you noticed the post-it note waiting for you on the counter.

“Hey, I’m not too sure when you’ll read this and knowing you, I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m home by the time you actually get up. I went to work. I didn’t want to wake you, you deserve a break after everything you’ve went through yesterday. I’ve prepared you some breakfast, it’s sitting in the microwave. You kept stealing all the blanket last night by the way, so you owe me one. Rest up and I’ll see you later. Have a nice rest of your morning..or afternoon.-JB”

you smiled at his words before eating your breakfast and deciding to head back to your place. You didn’t want to take advantage of Jaebum’s generosity and you really wanted to take a shower. Since he was the one to drive you over to his place, you called for an Uber and patiently waited for it to arrive.

In that moment, you took out your phone and finally began to read Mark’s texts and listened to the voicemails he left. As soon as you heard his muffled cries, you began tearing up yourself. He sounded extremely devastated. He had just gotten you back in to his life and he knew he was slowly gaining back your trust. There was no way he was going to lose you that easily. Mark knew what had to be done in order to win back your love completely and even if it took him years of being away from you and crying over you to come to this point, he was prepared to give up everything for you.

His texts were filled with apologies but it seemed as if he didn’t know what to do either. There was no way he would stop being friends with you, but he too was afraid of what his father was capable of. Throughout the entire ride, you felt numb. You couldn’t think. Sure, you could beg and plead for Mark to leave you alone even if you both knew that’s not what you wanted. But you knew Mark, he wasn’t going to give up that easily. You just weren’t sure of what he had planned or how far he was willing to go for you.

After the driver dropped you off to your building, it took all your energy to drag your body to the elevator. Your fingers hovered over his contact multiple times. It was selfish of you and you knew that you’d only make things worse by trying to reach out to him after telling him to leave you alone. However, the slumped figure that was sitting on your welcome mat made your head spin. Not knowing how long he’s been waiting there for, you found yourself running towards him and he was quick to lift his head up at the sound of your shoes against the concrete.

Once his eyes landed on yours, he got up from his spot on the ground and didn’t hesitate to pull you in his arms. You felt so relieved yet extremely nervous to see him. What was he doing there? Was he not afraid of the consequences if Erica were to find out he continued to stay in contact with you? You felt tears against your neck as his grip on your waist only tightened.

“Mark, what are you doing here? How long have you been waiting for?” You opened the door to your apartment and pulled him in, not noticing that he had yet to respond. Before you could ask any more questions walk any further, he turned you to face him and hesitantly brought his hand up to your cheek. “Mark—“ when you felt his lips against yours, it’s as time stopped and the room began to spin in slow motion.

You knew it was wrong, but you’ve missed the sensation of his lips on yours. It felt so foreign, yet all too familiar and you didn’t realize how much you craved the taste of his lips until you deepened the kiss. Things began getting hot and heavy between the two of you, after not having each other like this in so long your bodies were reacting desperately and hearing his sweet moans sent warmth to your core. Unfortunately, red flags began to go off in your mind, causing you to pull away. He knew you were confused by the dazed look on your face so before you could say anything, he spoke up.

“I quit today.” You looked up at him in shock. What exactly did he mean? He giggled at your blank expression before stealing one more kiss.

“I’m assuming Erica confronted you and threatened you. She told me she went to see you and I knew something was up when she said she was no longer in need of your services. She began to belittle you and said rude things about you and I couldn’t take it so I stormed out of the conference room at her dad’s company and made my way to my family’s company. That’s also around the same time I got your messages and I was pissed. I know I don’t deserve it; I don’t deserve you, but I just got you back in my life. This is the happiest I’ve been in a really long time. There’s no way I was going to lose you again. Not if there was anything I could do about it. I made my way up to my dad’s office and let my heart do the talking. I told him I was resigning and refused to go on with the wedding.”

He smiled gently at you and playfully booped your nose. “I chose you, something I should’ve done three years ago. My dad was furious and even started cussing at me. I’m pretty sure I’m disowned by my family now, but I don’t care. You’re all the family that I could ever need. I know, you probably think I’m insane for doing something so abrupt and not putting more thought in to it and I did it without even knowing how you feel. I don’t know whether or not you’d want to be with me. I can only hope and pray that you’ll take me back. Even if you decide that it’s too late for us, I don’t regret my decision one bit. In choosing you, I also chose myself. I don’t know why I allowed the wedding plans to get this far. I just felt like I deserved it I guess.”

He gently placed his forehead against yours and grazed your wrist with his thumb. “The thought of you made me realize that I’m so much more than what my parents want me to be. As much as I hated not having you in my life, maybe we needed this. I mean, I needed it. I learned my lesson. I’m a grown ass man, I have the right to make my own decisions. Even if it means going against my parent’s wishes. There’s so many opportunities I missed out on because it wasn’t something they would’ve been proud of. But I don’t give a shit about what they want anymore. It took me years to come to the realization that they couldn’t give two shits about my happiness yet I was so willing to do anything and everything they asked of me. I wanted to be the perfect son and I lost both you and myself in the process. Fucked up isn’t it?”

You could feel him tense up at the thought of all he’s been through and you found yourself gently caressing his arms in attempts to calm him down. “You don’t have to say anything, I know it’s a lot to take in. It was a lot for me. I came here as soon as I left the company. I needed to see you and tell you everything. I’m screwed, honestly. I don’t have a college degree nor do I have much experience, but that’s not my main focus right now. I’ll worry about all of that later. You. You’re all that matters right now. I’m all yours if you’ll have me y/n. I can’t give you much. I can no longer provide for you in the ways that I used to be able to. But I can give you my mind, body, heart and soul. I’ll support you, care for you, love you. Do whatever you need me to do. I’ll be whatever you need me to be. I built thick skin during the time we were apart. I truly believe that God, for whatever reason that I will be forever grateful for, brought us together again and I couldn’t let you get away this time. I love you y/n and I’m sorry. I know that my apologies probably don’t mean anything to you, but I’ll spend the rest of my life proving to you that I’m deserving of you and your love. That you’re all I could ever dream of. I’m going to do whatever I can to gain your trust again. We’ll take things at your pace y/n, that is if you decide you’re willing to come back to me.”

For months after your breakup, you found yourself crying and getting drunk almost every single day in order to prevent your mind from wandering to him. It took you almost an entire year to come to terms with your breakup. You tried your best to lie to yourself, telling yourself that you hated him. That he was never man enough for you. That you deserved better. You made a promise to yourself that if Mark were to ever come back and beg you to return to him, you wouldn’t give in.

However, the handsome man standing in front of you was different than the boy who failed to put you before his family. He was more mature, he finally realized his worth and no longer cared about what anyone other than you had to think about him. It took a long time, but you were over the moon to hear his sudden confession. You were glad he was aware that you deserved better. But you didn’t want better. You wanted Mark. For as long as time would permit you to have him for. Seeing the way he was looking at you with so much love and admiration in his gaze is the reason you found yourself reconnecting your lips together. You could only hope that he could feel the love you had for him through the kiss and as he smiled against the corner of your lips, you knew your message was received.

“I love you too Mark. So much. I wish I could say I stopped, only because I was so upset with you. But I never stopped and I know I never will. You own this pathetic heart of mine. I know I deserve better, but I also know that you’re not the same person you were three years ago. I’m so proud of you for building up the courage and putting your foot down. God, you have such a way with words. I really don’t know how to respond to all of that. I’ve missed you so much. I’m sorry you had to sacrifice practically your entire life for me, but I’m extremely happy you did. Like you said, you didn’t do it just for me, you did it for yourself too. I know it will be hard for you to start from scratch, but you’ve never failed to make me proud in all that you’ve accomplished. I’m sure you’ve gained a lot of knowledge working at the company. You could go to college and get your degree in architecture and maybe even start your own company. I’ll be by your side the entire time and I’ll help you in any way possible.”

You smiled up widely at him and giggled when you saw tears form at his eyes. “You were always so sensitive, come here my crybaby.” You brought him towards your living room and laid on your couch, brining him down with you. He placed his head against your chest and began leaving soft kisses along your jaw.

“You’re perfect, you know that? Thank you for taking me back baby. You won’t regret it.” To your dismay, he got up off of you and as you were about to complain about the loss of warmth, he threw you over his shoulder and playfully slapped your cute little butt.

“Mark! What are you doing?!” He laughed as he made his way to what he thought was your bedroom.

“Three years. I went three years without you and your beautiful body. I haven’t had sex in three years y/n, I’m sure I could be considered a born again virgin. I’m sex deprived, hell, I don’t even know if this thing still works. Give it a try babe. Don’t look at me like that. We have a lot to make up for, so be prepared. Why don’t you take out all your built up anger you’ve built up over the years and dom me princess—OW. Yes, I love the aggressiveness—okay I don’t find that kinky at all—will you stop that?” He threw you down on your bed and jumped on top of you. Your hands made their way in to his hair and gently tugged on it, earning yourself an erotic moan.

Mark began leaving kisses all around your face before making his way down towards where you needed him the most. As he began nipping and sucking on your chest, he suddenly pulled away, earning himself a glare. However, his next words made your cheeks warm. “Thank you for coming back to me baby. This is only the beginning of our forever. Aw babe, don’t start getting emotional on me now. I was just seconds away from eating your pretty pussy and fucking your brains out—okay. You’re definitely gonna get it.”

Before he could go any further, you cupped his chin with your fingers and made eye contact with him. “I love you Mark Tuan.” He kissed you passionately, as if his life depended on it before grinding himself in to your thigh. “I love you more y/n. Don’t you ever forget it.”

#got7 imagines #got7 #mark tuan #got7 mark #got7 drabbles #got7 angst #got7 fluff #once upon a dream #kpop imagines #kpop drabbles #my kpop therapy boy #he owns my ass guys im so in love with him #ugh but imagine supportive boyfriend mark #come do my college homework for me please

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peterthepark · 5 years

Text

born to die

pairing: billy hargrove x reader

summary: sometimes, it’s better to leave something broken than to fix it. after a two-year old breakup, billy finds her waiting tables, yet still as gorgeous as ever. he can only hope that the timing was never right for them, & that they can show each other how to live again. but hope... it’s a dangerous thing, especially for a man like billy.

warnings: angst, SADNESS, heartbreak, smoking, alcohol, instances of a toxic relationship, strong language, bad shit in the workplace, sensitive topics

A/N: based off of the song happiness is a butterfly by lana del rey & of course, born to die by her as well! this is a continuation to die for you. pls read that before you read this for the whole angsty experience, thanks! be aware this contains sensitive topics and i do not intend to glorify them.

The restaurant bustles noisily with the clatter of plates and cutlery. The air is warm, and you can instantly feel the sweat build up on your brow from the cheap air conditioning. Your body, however, stands frozen in the walkway between the tables. The yellow notepad trembles in your hand, and you stumble over your own words as you muster up the stability to speak again.

Meeting his blue eyes, it made you feel as if you were nineteen again - the same nineteen year old teenager, whose mind was clouded with lust and the need to be loved. Billy Hargrove never did, in fact, love you. Maybe that’s why you still had that aching need buried at the bottom of your heart. No chain and ball could ever pull down that feeling.

His gaze drops from your face to your shoes, taking in your frazzled state. Compared to him, you surely looked like a mess. At least your makeup was decent, unlike the stains on your uniform and apron. Billy couldn’t make it anymore obvious with how shocked he was, yet, the faint smile on his face was a giveaway of his lack of malice towards you.

But the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

And maybe you did lie - about him not loving you.

Maybe it wasn’t love in the first place. Maybe it was more.

Because he was still wearing the gold necklace you had given him on his eighteenth birthday.

It’s been two years. Get a fucking grip.

“So, just the pasta?” You clear your throat, scribbling off all the errors you had made on the notepad whilst taking his order. Stuffing the papers into your apron, you collect his menu, nearly knocking over the glass of water in front of him. “Sorry. My fault. Is that all?”

“Yeah, thank you.” His expression is fond. The words seem bitter on his tongue, almost as if he shouldn’t be speaking to you after all that guilt and shame that was placed upon him once you had left. “Y/N?”

Your heart flutters ever-so delicately, and you turn on your heels to look at him. His eye twitches before he bites down harshly on his bottom lip. “It’s good to see you again.”

There’s a small hitch in his gruff voice, and you internally wince at it before you head into the kitchen to compose yourself. You brush past the busy cooks and stressed waiters, shutting yourself inside the stock room as you attempt to even out your breathing. Bracing your forearms against the shelf, you rest your head against the cool metal, closing your eyes tightly as you mutter curses to yourself.

The door creaks open, causing light to seep through the crack by the doorframe. You raise a hand up, eyes still shut as you press your lips together. “If you could just leave me be right now, that would be great.”

“Y/N.”

Fuck.

“Billy, I - you aren’t allowed to be back here.” You finally look up, hair sticking to your cheeks while you wipe away the oiliness on your neck. You’re sure that your eyeliner has smudged with how much you’ve been touching your face.

You must’ve looked far from beautiful.

But Billy thought otherwise. Seeing you look like a broken mess was nothing foreign to him.

In fact, he was ultimately drawn to broken things.

Maybe two broken people are meant to piece themselves into a whole.

“Look, I’m... Y/N, I wanna apologize.” He steps inside, letting the door swing shut behind him. The only light that fills the room is the swinging red lamp above you, illuminating Billy’s sorrowful features.

“We can’t do this right now.”

“You need to hear me out.”

“Not here, please.” Your eyes glance down at his outstretched fingers.

You almost want to grab them and place his palm against your heart, to show him how fast it beats right now.

To show him that he still has that effect on you. To show him that maybe you do miss him. To show him that he could get a second chance.

But you shouldn’t.

You’ve killed yourself for him too many times.

Yet, the sound of his voice and the blue in his eyes is enough to bring you back to life.

“Y/N, I know I’m the last person who - who you’d want to see here. It’s just I... I’ve thought about what I did to you, and what I could’ve done so that I wouldn’t have lost you.” His eyes are soft, and his eyebrows furrow with every word he says. “I just wanna talk.”

“What even is there left to talk about, Billy?” He sighs at the mention of his name, and he struggles to keep his head lifted at the sound of it. You place your hands on top of your shoulders, arms crossing over your sternum defensively as you stare at him with a open mouth.

“Do you still feel the same?” He whispers breathily. “Do you still love me?”

A shaky exhale escapes from your lips, before they part and purse together; the words in your head are hesitant to leave through your throat, and a weak scoff comes out instead. The door clicks open, and you freeze when your boss walks into the stock room. His eyes bounce from you to Billy, and you curl into yourself under his degrading glare.

“Everything good, Y/L/N?” Freddie asks, adjusting the collar of his button up as you tug at Billy’s shirt for him to leave.

“M’fine, sir.” You mumble, straightening out your uniform as you step towards him.

Billy walks out first, and to his dismay, he quickly sees the disheartening interaction between you and Freddie. He doesn’t miss the way Freddie snatches your wrist, pulling you towards him while you struggle in his grasp. Billy catches your eye in the doorway, and you avert your gaze before Freddie finally lets you go. You stumble out of the back room, bumping shoulders with Billy as you hastily return to your job.

The expression on your face saddens him. It’s as if you had died over and over again in the last two years, constantly being thrown in the line of fire - only to pick yourself up everytime. Since when was it possible for it to become this bad?

With short breaths, you place Billy’s dish on the table, already knowing that he didn’t want any Parmesan on his pasta and that he would want a Coca-Cola to go with it. His lips curl up into a small smile, and a quiet thank you slips out. You nod courteously, stuffing your hands in your pockets while you ask him if he needs anything else.

“Can I see you after this?” Billy says as he twists his fork into his noodles.

You huff with a weak shrug. “I don’t - I don’t have time. Really.” He nods respectfully, and suddenly you feel a wave of regret wash over you. You pat the table with your hand, before you stride off to help your other customers. “Enjoy your meal, Hargrove.”

Closure.

It’s what you needed, right? Surely, closure would help mend the agonizing wound inside your chest. But maybe, the wound had gotten worse now that you’ve seen Billy once again - infected even.

Was it worth it?

Billy runs a limp hand down his face when another waitress hands him his check. He sorts through the receipts, digging out crumpled dollar bills from his wallet to pay off his food. His eyes skim over the numbers, until they land on a familiar set of blue handwritten words on the corner of his receipt.

We can meet at the motel down a few blocks. (The one where we stayed when your car broke down? Do you remember that?) Anyways, I‘m taking up room 20. Shift ends at 5.

He cranes his neck to look for you in the midst of the restaurant, but he doesn’t. Disappointed yet also relieved at your change of heart, he folds the note into his jacket, setting aside a generous twenty dollar-bill as his tip. With shaky legs, he stands, suddenly nervous at the thought of you confronting him about all that had happened - but he didn’t care anymore.

At least you’d be speaking to him.

Staring at the evergreen car freshener that hung from the mirror above the dashboard, Billy could feel his chest constrict as he thought of the things you’d say to him.

How pathetic he made you feel?

How he wasted your time?

How he struggled to show how much he truly loved you?

Billy plants his feet on the murky welcome mat in front of your room. Rapping his fist against the door, he bites down on the inside of his mouth as he listens to the lock click open. Your sunken face peers through the crack, and you slowly pull the door further to allow Billy into your room. He shuffles inside with heavy footsteps. The leather jacket rests heavy on his arms so he shrugs it off and hangs it on the wooden chair in the makeshift kitchen.

His eyes take in the state of your motel room. Clothes are scattered on the floor of the bathroom, while two suitcases hide behind the curtain of the closet. There’s an ashtray on the television stand, and a pack of unopened Marlboro cigarettes beside. The bedsheets of your queen mattress are messily pulled back, and it seems as if you had lacked the energy to clean up after yourself. After what seemed like forever, Billy finally pans over to you, eyebrows already furrowed with questions and mouth drawn in a straight line.

“Are you okay, Y/N?”

The question is enough to cause you to take a seat, otherwise, you’re sure that you wouldn’t have the strength to carry on. Not in a couple months has asked you that question. And in the two years you had gone without seeing Billy, you least expected him to be the first person who’d ask.

Visually, the answer is clear: you aren’t okay. But internally, inside your mind, beneath the mentality of pretending to be alright, you weren’t sure if there was anything left - besides the occasional pang of sadness or frustration, it felt as if your whole world had shifted into black and white.

It’s like the universe had died with you.

And so, you reply with the phrase that you’ve repeatedly rehearsed inside your head. “I’m not okay,” You swallow audibly, feeling your throat tighten. “But I will be.”

Billy, though sympathetic, is almost in worse shape as you are. However, he doesn’t let it show, not on the outside at least. Yet, he knows that you can tell something is wrong with him. There’s a slight frown on your face as you rest your arm on the back of the chair you‘re sitting on.

You raise your head to look up at him, “Are you okay?”

“I will be.” He smiles sadly, twisting the ring around his finger. His eyebrows knit together as he glances at you. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I should’ve been better.”

“I know, I know.” Strands of hair from your loose ponytail frame your face, and you stressfully push them away from your view with a sigh. “We both could’ve done better.”

“Fuck, Y/N.” He kicks his heel against the refrigerator with disgruntlement, tugging on his curly hair. “I’ll never find anyone like you. I fucked it up. I’m sorry. I fucked everything up.” He begins to pace around the room, footsteps heavy on the dark carpet.

“Billy...”

“Y/N, I still love you. And I know - I know that what I did was... unspeakable. I messed with your head, I made you think twice, I made you doubtful and insecure and I - I understand no one would ever want that. But Y/N... I was seventeen when we first got together, I was nineteen when we broke up. And now, I’m twenty, and I still miss you.”

“Billy, as much as I... I would like to go back to being seventeen again, and hope that we would last then... it’s impossible.” You play with coaster on the table, twisting it between your fingers as a method of distracting yourself. Billy forces himself to sit, letting himself slide down the cool surface of the fridge with ease. He pinches the bridge of his nose. “But... there are some days where I can’t stop thinking about you.” When you look at him, he meets your gaze through his lashes. “And other days, I wonder why I’m wasting my fucking time, B.”

He thinks that’s your way of telling him that you still love him.

Is it though?

“Do you want me or do you not?” Billy questions you. His eyes are narrowed. The hurt is finally visible, and you shrivel under his hopeful stare with clammy palms.

“You were supposed to be my once in a lifetime.” You clench your jaw, pressing your tongue to the roof of your mouth. “I don’t know if I can handle a second chance.”

The air smells of death.

You shouldn’t have done it. You shouldn’t have let him reach out. You shouldn’t have let this happen.

Your body shifts into instinct, and your feet scuffle against the ground as you stand up. Your shadow falls against Billy’s face as you step closer towards him. His eyes follow you as you sit down onto your thighs in front of him. The skirt of your uniform rides up, baring the skin beneath it.

“But what’s the worst that could happen to someone who’s already hurt?” You whisper, breath fanning over your lips.

His face is inches away from yours, and his attention falls onto your smudged lipstick, hesitant to reach out and touch you. Sitting between his legs, the tip of your nose grazes against his, then your mouths hover over one another - so close yet so far. Momentarily, he locks eyes with you. And you see nineteen-year old Billy again. You hold back a sob as you let your forehead rest again his. Gently, your fingers come to toy with his necklace, engraved onto it is a butterfly, and you smile through tears.

“I love you, Y/N.” Billy swipes his thumb under your eye, catching your teardrop. “I love you.”

His lips slowly connect to yours, capturing you into a desperate and longing kiss. His hands become grabby, clutching at the fabric of your top and nape of your neck. When he pulls away, you both are gasping for air.

Kissing him had revived you.

But kissing him was also the thing killing you.

How can you stay away from something that you were once so addicted to?

“So what happened?” Billy pipes up in a raspy voice. He rubs your arm, drawing butterfly-like shapes with his pointer finger as you rest your head on his bare chest.

Ever since he had sat down and talked to you, he’d visit you every few weekends, trying his best to prove himself to you again.

To gain back your trust.

It was almost too easy.

“I, uh, moved out of home last year for college. Remember Chicago? Yeah, couldn’t afford that shit so I was forced to drop out. Then, my parents got on my ass about it and I feel too - too ashamed to even ask for their help. Which is how I got to waiting tables at Rascal’s.” You scoff, “It doesn’t pay much, but its enough for two nights at a motel and some grocery.”

Billy shakes his head. “Jesus Christ, Y/N.”

“But I’ve saved up enough money... to leave.” You reluctantly glance up at Billy, burying your head against his collarbone. “You know?”

“Leave?”

“I’m going to California in a few weeks. That was my plan: to get up and go without telling anyone. Just - just disappear off the face of the earth. But now, you’re here. I’m here. And yet, I still want to leave this shithole.”

Billy looks over at the suitcases in the closet.

You were going to California.

What if he went too? After all, he’d die for you, right?.

You move to lean against the headboard, blinking at him expectantly.

Raising an eyebrow at him, you listen as he begins to ramble on. “Let me go with you to California.” Your jaw drops, and you start to shake your head while he frantically continues. “Y/N, there’s nothing for me here. This - I don’t have anyone or anything in this shithole.”

“You have Max.”

“She has her friends.”

“Billy,” You place your hand on his cheek, pulling him into your arms when he leans into your warm touch. “Wouldn’t that be a little too selfish?”

“Sweetheart,” He presses a kiss to your forearm and squeezes your hand. His eyes flicker up to you, and you blush deeply under his intense stare. “I’m always a little too selfish when it comes to you.”

The fact that he’d die for you was enough, right?

“So you’re coming with?” You chew on your bottom lip, tracing his tattoo with uncertainty.

“I’ll go anywhere you want me to go.”

“You’re sure?”

“I’m sure, Y/N.”

Walking through the city streets

Is it by mistake or design?

I feel so alone on a Friday night

Can you make it feel like home if I tell you you're mine?

In a matter of weeks, Billy shows up to your motel room with two luggages in each hand. His hair is pulled back into a low curly ponytail, and he flashes you a charming smile as lightening booms in the sky behind him.

“When I said that we should runaway together at some point in our life...” You joke, hopping into the passenger seat of his Camaro with ease. Billy comes around to the driver’s seat after loading the trunk. “I didn’t think we’d be serious about it.”

“Well, there’s no backing out now, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Keep making me laugh

Let's go get high

The road is long, we carry on

Try to have fun in the meantime

“Can we stopover? Please? I gotta piss.” Billy complains, scratching his head dramatically as he fidgets in the seat. You drum your fingers against the steering wheel, finding amusement that he can’t stand the fact that you’re driving. “Y/N, I’m begging you.”

“The next stopover isn’t for like another hour. You’re an idiot. Should’ve went at the last one.”

“I di-“

“Fine! Fine. Alright, well, the closest thing to us is some random bar.” You chuckle, changing lanes. You turn up the stereo, tuning out Billy’s whining with Elvis instead.

Come take a walk on the wild side

Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain

You like your girls insane

The mattress is soft beneath you. Billy’s arm rests over your stomach, trapping you against his chest. The lamp beside you buzzes softly, and you take in the state of the apartment that Billy had managed to rent out within the month you had arrived in San Francisco.

Leaving Hawkins had left an unknown scar in your heart. You wanted this - California, having a life with Billy, a second chance at that. You felt euphoria once you had moved in with him; the feeling was fulfilling, and it made you feel complete.

Was there anything better than loving someone in a city far from home?

You blink sleepily as Billy stirs awake. He yawns into your shoulder, trailing kisses up your neck with exaggerated noises.

“Morning.”

“Hi.” You flip onto your other side to face him. The blanket tickles your nose as you cuddle into its warmth, locking eyes with Billy. The dark blue turquoise swirls with adoration and momentarily, you feel something.

He looked at you like you were his whole world.

You must be feeling love - love felt like this, right? It had to. What other feeling could it be?

Or are you just trying to convince yourself as you look into the eyes of the boy who had stabbed you in the heart too many times?

You wanted this, Y/N.

You wanted California.

But did you ever want Billy?

“Are you leaving for work soon?” He asks, rolling out of the bed. He slips on his sweatpants from last night, tying the drawstrings together.

“Yeah, I have about twenty to spare though.”

“Oh.” He huffs, arms limp by his side. “Well, you should’ve told me. Put on pants for nothing.”

You laugh heartily. But the grin fades instantly when he dips down to press a suggestive kiss to your lips.

Was it love? Will it ever be love?

Lost but now I am found

I can see but once I was blind

I was so confused as a little child

“Y/N, you want me to take table six?” Alex asks, holding a stack of menus in his hand. You push your hair back, nodding with a gracious gaze.

“Please? Thank you. You’re an angel.” You move to brush past him, but simultaneously, he tries to move past you as well. His taller frame hovers over you, and you unexpectedly blush when he touches your arm to scoot past the granite counter.

“Sorry ‘bout that.” He chuckles shyly, scratching his head. A black curl of hair falls against his forehead, and you look at him fondly before he finally moves to accommodate the customers.

You catch the second glance he gives you.

And your belly bubbles with a cozy sensation.

It’s been forever since you’ve felt like this.

Tried to take what I could get

Scared that I couldn't find

All the answers, honey

“Okay, so you’re from Indiana? Tell me how it feels to grow up in a place like that.” Alex points at you with his spoon, chewing softly on his cereal. He glances up at you as he takes another spoonful of Cheerios. You shake your head in disagreement, staring down at your coffee bashfully. “No? So you’re from Illinois? Wait, Michigan?”

“No, no, I grew up here, silly. But... moved to Indiana for family reasons.” You shrug.

“Oh, alright, I see it now. You’re definitely a California girl.”

“What makes you say that?” He pauses, taking a couple minutes to study your face.

“You’re too beautiful for a small town, Y/N.”

You didn’t know that your own name could make you feel such emotions.

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry

Sometimes love is not enough

And the road gets tough, I don't know why

“Where have you been?” Billy rushes towards you, reeking of a bar.

You exhale sharply, tossing your bag onto the stool by the front door. “Working. Why?”

You take off the cardigan of your uniform and hang it on the coat rack. Walking past a concerned Billy, you head straight into the bedroom, too exhausted and too conflicted to even acknowledge him following you. He leans against the wall, eyes wide with disbelief as you start to undress.

“Working? Y/N, it’s been hours since your shift ended!” He shouts, gesturing at the clock on the nightstand.

You gape at him, slipping into an old shirt. “Billy, I’m home. That’s all that matters.” You start to raise your voice in irritation. “Why are you being such an ass about it?”

“Because - because...”

Happiness is a butterfly

Try to catch it like every night

It escapes from my hands into moonlight

“Because you don’t trust me? Is that what this is?” Scoffing at him with narrowed eyes, you dump your waitress uniform into the laundry basket, disregarding how piled up it is.

“You’re putting words into my mouth.” He paces around the room, while you sit calmly on the edge of the bed.

“You’re making assumptions.”

“Then tell me where you’ve been all day!” He explodes, tugging at his hair.

“With Alex.” You answer truthfully, finding no harm no the words you had uttered.

“Alex?”

“Just a guy from the café.”

Billy’s face hardens. “You’ve been at this job for how long? Three months?”

“B, just drop it. I’m tired.” You bury your head into your hands.

“Three months and you haven’t told me a single thing about this - this Alex.” His voice falters, and for a second, you think that’s he done being an asshole - but the anger and jealousy in his eyes tell you the opposite. “You like spending time with Alex? Huh? You’ve been gone for five hours, is that how much you like being around Alex? I barely get to see you anymore, Y/N. What the fuck is this?”

“Alex is a friend!” You stand up abruptly, fed up with Billy’s behavior. “I can’t be friends with other guys? You’re fucking crazy.”

“We move back to California and suddenly you’re a whore again.”

You realize that he’s been slurring this whole time - his words still hurt, though, and the intent behind them are enough to sting.

But drunk people often tell the truth. You weren’t a stranger to that.

If he's a serial killer, then what's the worst

That could happen to a girl who's already hurt?

I'm already hurt

Your frustration shifts into shock, then pain as you process what he had said to you in a matter of seconds. The tears don’t hold back this time, and immediately, your vision is blurry as the room around you spins.

Billy wobbles on his feet as the shame comes over him. He mutters your name when he sees your watery eyes and your quivering lip. You make a beeline for the door, but you’re pulled back when your hand comes in contact with the knob. Billy tightly wraps his arms around your waist, resting his head against your back as he whimpers an apology. The cracks in his throat don’t faze you. The dampness of your shift doesn’t faze you. The sound of him whispering your name doesn’t faze you.

This isn’t love.

Your love died when you had died for him.

If he's as bad as they say, then I guess I'm cursed

Looking into his eyes, I think he's already hurt

He's already hurt

“I don’t want this.” You say, shuddering as a sob racks through your body. “I don’t want you if you’re going to be like this.”

“Stay. Stay.” He cries. This is too familiar. This already happened. You can’t handle a second time. Not again. “I’ll change. I’m drunk. I’m drunk - just - this isn’t me, Y/N. You know me. This isn’t me.”

“I’m so fucking stupid.” You tremble, placing your hands on the door to hold yourself up as Billy embraces you even tighter.

You can’t breathe. He’s suffocating you.

“Y/N, I love you.”

“I’m sorry, B. I can’t.”

This isn’t love. No...

This is what it looks like when you’re lonely.

You pry his cold hands off of you, not once looking back as you slam the bedroom door behind you.

Billy doesn’t chase after you this time. He lets the tears roll down his cheeks. And he lets the emptiness eat him alive.

After all, people don’t come back from death.

I said, "Don't be a jerk, don't call me a taxi.”

Sitting in your sweatshirt, crying in the backseat

“I’m sorry, I don’t have anywhere else to go.” You sniffle, wiping away your runny nose with the sleeve of Billy’s crewneck. It hangs just above your knees, and you realize how disheveled you look.

Alex ushers you inside, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose as you take a seat on his futon. The throw pillows smell of roses.

A funeral.

He doesn’t say a word. Rather, he sits beside you, rubbing your back comfortingly as your breathing becomes ragged. You try to speak, but all that comes out is a weak, pained moan.

I just wanna hold you tight down the avenue

I just wanna dance with you

Alex pulls you up from the makeshift bed on his couch, shushing you as you start to worriedly ask questions. The record player by his dining table sings airily, and you feel light as Alex begins to waltz with you around the living room.

“I’m not in the mood for this...” You mumble grumpily. Alex blows air into your face, and you flinch from the sudden action. “Ow, what is wrong with you?”

“Just trying to dry your tears. If you keep crying, I’ll run out of oxygen soon from trying to keep you dry.” He quirks a brow at you, laughing as you accidentally step on his bare feet. “And maybe I have to teach you to dance better. I won’t have any feet after that either, considering you keep fucking stepping on them.”

You shake your head at him with a small smile.

The cozy feeling from before fills the dark pit in your stomach.

“Is the California girl smiling?” Alex pulls back to look at you properly, scrunching his nose up when he sees you smile even wider. “Would you look at that.” His eyes drop down to your lips, and you don’t miss the way that his tongue slips out to wet his own. Clearing his throat, he speaks up again. “I got you a little gift. Just - just to cheer you up. Uh, hopefully. I don’t know if you’ll like it, but...” He steps away, digging through his bookshelf. When he turns to you, he holds out a minuscule box.

You hesitantly take it into your hands, popping the lid open.

A necklace.

A butterfly necklace.

The same one as Billy’s.

What a tragedy, to want to forget someone, only for them to flutter into your life undecidedly, especially when you don’t want them anymore.

But people don’t get to decide when the Reaper comes to sow.

And death - death is inevitable.

You were born to die from the beginning.

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