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#bc i enjoy hurting my own feelings
okordinaryish · 1 year
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"Everybody can kind of create their own theory about what it must be like... in there. And it's reasonable, I think, to say "Well, if you've been infected for a week, a month, five years, you're not— you're gone." And people also say "Look, physically, his [Sam's] ears, the eardrums, the nerves, they don't work the way they do in people who can hear, so why would they work now [that he's infected]?"
But... I think it's still him. I think in that moment where it's [the infection] just beginning, there is just confusion. It's a little bit like being on a bad trip; you can't stop yourself, you don't know what's happening and you're reacting like you're in a dream. And you may even realize, in moments, like "I'm trying to hurt somebody that I love but I can't stop it."."
— Craig Mazin about Sam being infected
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chirpsythismorning · 19 days
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The way fans on the st sub are almost all in agreement Nancy ending up with neither Jon nor Steve wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, and how they can even come up with a sleuth of reasons as to why, honestly pretty valid and fair reasons, but then are absolutely gobsmacked when fans merely speculate something along those lines for El is, quite something.
#el hopper#byler#platonic elmike#stranger things#this is coming from someone who ADORED mileven in s1-2#I literally skipped all of s2 in my rewatch before s3 aired bc I just wanted to see their reunion#then s3 happened#and I was confused at#A LOT of ppl are#and anyone coming to voice that confusion is ran off Reddit like they’re committing a crime#like would it hurt y’all to have some of the same common sense you have for el like you do with Nancy#??#I am more jancy leaning but also I just feel like it’s certain stancy ain’t happening#but I’m also not totally against Nancy wanting to be on her own for a while#maybe they’d imply jancy Will find their way back to each other#maybe they’re teamed up in s5 and wait until the very end to cement that certainty for each other#but I would not hate their stories if Nancy and Jon decided to live their own lives#FOR THEMSELVES#Nancy doing what she wants and loves#Jonathan doing what he wants instead of just doing stuff that helps people around him#and I’m not going to even get into the reasons why el and mike would benefit from living for themselves outside of their relationship#the attachment to the ship is stronger than any sort of attachment to the character#and when the things keeping them together are not strong to begin with…#that attachment is doomed and hard to watch and enjoy like idgi at all#also; all the pro-ronance comments on there getting like 30+ likes??#go ronance I guess??!??#idk if it’s because they think byler actually has a serious possibility while ronance has less build up#so they can sort of play with that idea without actually having to take it seriously…#at least ronance has a positive audience on there#a win is a win I guess 😭🫡
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skunkes · 23 days
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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waywardsalt · 13 days
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anyways. holding linebeck gently
#some assorted untagged linebeck thoughts tonight cuz hey why not its been a Day of ups and downs and he’s been there in my mind#sometime this month i do want to make some images of him w/ the pride flags of my hcs so general gay and then mlm and then intersex#general post ph crew rundown theres linebeck and then damien is bi and trans and bellum doesnt fucking care and link is figuring it out#so its half we got it and half man i have other things to worry about#i feel like you put linebeck and midna in a room and they are gay/lesbian buddies mlm/wlw solidarity thats what they are to me#anyways. revisited my post abt possession aftermath effects. you can probably tell i enjoy hurt/comfort/whump#smth darkly funny to me abt extremely sick and delirious linebeck and worried link kinda hanging out in his room#with link being like i bet youll be fine!!! you’re recover youre fine. and linebeck just saying kid i have rabies symptoms#anyways he lives hes fine he survives the magic squid rabies. to calm the characters nerves and my own ive decided that once hes well enoug#linebeck and link decide to visit the fairy queen to get some kinda divine checkup and to get the closure of. linebeck is fine he’s fine#nothing malicious is lingering youre good just. get some more bed rest#i do like the idea that when hes got some minor injury to the degree of some little papercur linebeck is incredibly bitchy and whatnot#and then when he’s in genuine danger of dying he’s eerily chill abt it. while recovering from possession one day when he can walk he just#chills on the deck when theres no breeze just smoking. ofc hes terrified inside but fuck if hes going to be obvious abt it (when lucid)#could tie that to his trauma n whatever ig but rn i dont have the energy to really think on it idk hes had enough bad injuries#and has found that when hes actively distressed crying out and whatnot didnt really get people to help#like its smth he learned early on his brother was there and there was just enough but like yknow. wasnt ingrained ig#thats a different thing to be lumped into the idea of him learning that its fine to be more vulnerable abt what you feel n need n want#prob smth he practices with link i mean damien is good but he needs to learn to listen instead of assume for that first bit#uhhh. earlier today i almost made a vent post but didnt but i think the gist was god i need to stop comparing other loz things to my iwn#bc it never never ends well. anyways. uhhh. came up with a possible post ph story arc for bellum n link#and decided to revive an older one with link and linebeck. post ph is really really just its own thing tbh#ofc meant to be a sorta fan sequel thing but between the disregarding of canon sequel stuff and not really adhering to the feeling n whatno#its just its own thing and i like it. ill prob delete this later
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bunnyb34r · 3 months
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God forbid you wanna nap in this neighborhood
I stg every time I lay down to, the big ass stereo guy decides "ahh now is the perfect time to be an asshole 😌" and starts
Usually it's like 2pm-4pm that he's out but today nothing... until 5:45pm when I was TRYING to take a fucking quick nap... 😑 I'm gonna throw hard boiled eggs at his house I stg
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pepprs · 1 year
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hm. i think i am going to stop going to counseling. he does not understand me. he pathologizes things that are not pathological.
#purrs#the premises of counseling / therapy are that you need to have boundaries and be self sufficient and fully healed. FUCK THAT! relationships#are not transactions. we are allowed to need each other. we are allowed to blur lines. we are human and messy. our thoughts and feelings are#PRECIOUS. im not letting go of my thoughts they mean EVERYTHING to me they are the key to the WORLD. im not letting go of redacted why on#EARTH would i stop redacteding to redacted that is HELPFUL for me. i don’t CARE about the roots. who the fuck is it hurting????? NO ONE!!!!!#the way he flat out told me he agrees with my mom. bitch im done forever. im done literaly forever. i don’t know how to tell him but im done#forever. maybe it’s just my id which is what he said to me LMFAO and like maybe i just don’t like being uncomfortable or facing hard truths.#but i don’t fucking think it’s TRUE!!!!!!!!!! yeah i need to grow yeah i have unhealthy behaviors. but i don’t need to let go of the whole#THING bc of some arbitrary transactional concept of what relationships are supposed to be / mean. ive NEVER had a counselor try to uproot th#the whole damn thing like omg what is WRONG with you. i#im paying this man $25 a week to UNDERSTAND me and not ONCE have i felt understood by him. counselors can disagree with me but i literally#never feel like he is on my side. he’s adhering to conventional ideas about what parents are supposed to be and friends are supposed to be a#and work is supposed to be etc etc. and so patronizingly said just enjoy being 23 you don’t wanna waste your 20s! FUCK YOU. i will not#regret anything even if it’s unusual. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!#and also i know he probably watches back thru the recordings and has like his supervisor and professors watch them too which means that#there is a whole team of scientists + my family studying me in a lab and thinking im insane and finding ways to tell me. but fucking bold of#him to assume he can give me any meaningful valuable insight when he is actively checking his laptop / phone during our sessions and rarely#if eve gives me a chance to drive MY OWN CONVERSATION THAT IM PAYING FOR and is so phony abt being on the recording. like Omg. maybe im just#grown out of it. it fucking SUCKS bc i actually have things i am not normal about and really need help with and i can’t actually get help fr#from ppl whose job it is to fucking help me bc they think im not normal about things i PROMISEEEE i am normal about. and the way i effective#effectively told him that and he responded that he can’t take that credibly bc there’s no action behind it BY WHICH HE MEANS I HAVENT#STOPPED REDACTEDING TO ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT REDACTED IN MY WHOLE LIFE? THAT I HAVENT DECIDED IM DONE LEARNING SND GROWING AND CUT IT#OFF?????? DO YOU FUCKING HEAR YOURSELF. INSANE. the ANTITHESIS of human. we are MEANT TO BE CONNECTED. FUCK!!!!!!!!!#delete later#my old counselors challenged me and disagreed with me b it i never felt like they flat out were unwilling to meet me where i am and#compromise with me. is that not what counselors are supposed to do???? or have i just had bad counselors until now??? because im NORMAL. i#swear to fucking god. im normal. im literally normal and it is not doing ANYONE harm. what is wrong with you. GOD
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vaugarde · 5 months
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does anyone say this about goh’s parents? i don’t know cause i haven’t seen it (at least after their debut episode but it wouldnt shock me) but im gonna use em to springboard off of for a fandom nitpick anyways- i dont really care for the notion that parents are abusive per say for needing to work a lot so the kids are often without them. like obviously its not cut and dry and there are parents who work and neglect their children while using it as an excuse, and even in the best possible cases the kids are at risk of feeling isolated from their parents and that’s tragic, but in our capitalist hellscape its like. yknow it’s difficult and not something that can be easily solved. if they take less time then thats less money on the table and the kid could end up struggling even more if it doesnt make ends meet. there isnt really any easy way to win this situation
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dnangelic · 9 months
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what is the truth. schrodinger's normal abnormal boy
#i was going to write a meta but i deleted it all bc i got embarrassed and can't put woRDS TOGETHER IN A SMART/CLEAR WAY#RHGHHH#its in my brain though i swear#its just abt daisuke's juvenile sense of confusion#hes young. hes a lil lost! he goes along with his family's phantom thievery but he doesn't necessarily completely enjoy it#it's complicated. he truly genuinely from the bottom of his heart loves art. but he doesn't necessarily like the stealing aspect#and he'd never ever steal anything deeply precious to anyone. he refuses to hurt anyone's feelings#but also- he's a little out of touch with things too sometimes. he keeps convincing himself he's 'mostly' or 'sorta' or 'pretty much' norma#when hes NEARLY DIED PLENTY OF TIMES thanks to his training#nobody normal comes home to electric doorknobs pitfalls alligators rabid dogs and lasers#his whole family is literally a family of criminals! he has live artworks w bonkers powers in his basement!#his own weird pet rabbit can FLY AND TALK#ud think turning into dark he'd be like 'well this might as well just happen' but in a way dark rlly was the last straw for daisuke#and like. there's nothing normal about any of this oagbdkgfk ESP IN A MODERN AGE!!!#but daisuke a) is a little willfully ignorant of it and b) genuinely ignorant of anything outside of it. bc again. hes a kid!#he doesn't have a lot of friends! he's a loser!#satoshi bringing up the tamers' cycles too. dark and daiki both agreeing that even if things seem fine now#that in the future the niwa and hikari would fight again. the niwa would cause the hikari pain#over and over. daisuke can't stand it. everyone keeps trying to tell him that his life and future is fixed#but if it's not one he agrees with or wants for himself then he's going to reject it#and that goes double for people like satoshi who have to reject krad. their sorrow and pain#bc it doesn't actually produce any beneficial outcome. its just senseless#*・゚⊰ 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒. ⊱ ✦ › OUT.
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thus-spoke-lo · 1 year
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*googles how do you actually end a fic*
*cries when it tells me I have to write it*
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ahalliance · 10 months
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i don’t get how people can complain about the writing “doing Martha dirty” when that same writing gives her an ending that addresses her treatement over the course of the season, allows her to finally put her to foot down, to establish her self-worth as an individual and to air out her grievances, and gives her the most respectful and satisfying exit from the TARDIS we’d yet seen in the show . like it’s one thing to dislike the direction the writing team took with her arc and to criticise it (perfectly fine) and another to somehow miss it entirely lmao . the ‘martha feels out of place, second best, and like a rebound’ is an intentional piece of writing that gets resolved by the end of the season . like that wasn’t smth they threw in for shits and giggles, it had in-story repercussions
#and if u don’t think those repercussions were Enough then that’s totally cool and smth to start a discussion over#but . don’t act as if they didn’t happen lmao??#i just . yells#like i have my own criticisms about the writing (giving the ‘i feel second best to this dude’s past love interest’ to the first POC#companion was . probably not the best of choices let’s be real#though there’s some leeway there as im assuming the character was written before audtions . but still . could have been reconsidered#idk i totally understand why people aren’t fans of the storyline itself (outside of how coherent the writing is) but i think it’s a shame#that many others just kinda seem to miss the point because it’s such a unique and interesting arc to give to a companion#i like fresh ideas!! i like the doctor Actually being portrayed at someone who is clumsy with relationships and emotional intimacy!!#i like it when his trauma spills over in ugly and complex ways like we see in season 3 in regards to his friendship with martha#and i like it even better when his accidentally cruel actions and mistakes get brought up and criticised by the narrative!! like it does in#the end of s3!! it’s so good!!#i enjoy 10 because he’s my favourite wet cat but also because he is allowed to fill up room like a real traumatised individual would#it’s like . okay i enjoy ‘ooo the doctor is the oncoming storm ooo he’s hurt and killed so many people ooo’#but it’s also good to See the actual ramifications of that shit you know . hearing about his legend status is always fun but damn man#is it satisfying from a character analysis POV to see him hurt the people around him . to see him treat his friends poorly on accident#because of his own character flaws . like that’s GOOD#and it just sorta irks me sometimes bc people will have this smug attitude of ‘well MY blorbo isn’t a rude piece of shit and is actually a#paragon of morality’ and like girl i don’t give a shit . that’s fine in small doses but it’s not what’s compelling#people tend to like interacting with ‘angsty traumatised edgy characters’ if their edginess is contained in a nice little box that doesn’t#overspill . fuck no give me the characters that are loud and ugly and unpleasant about their trauma THAT’S THE REAL SHIT#jay rambles#dw.txt#10.txt#marthaj.txt#sometimes u wanna treat the blorbo from your show like a real person sure but sometimes it is better to remember that they are fictional#and there to be considered as part of a bigger story and as an item to analyse . case in poiny#point#maybe i shouldn’t be surprised by this though since people still get hung up over rose quartz
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phantaloon · 1 year
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.
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notsogeniusgirls · 1 year
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Just gonna vent in the tags don't mind me
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skunkes · 7 months
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was abt to make a silly post about how at this point i barter with the universe for a bf like "please id take care of him and walk him and dress him up", like a child begging for a pet, and then i think abt how as much as i want an actual pet I don't think im fit to ever have one of those either
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orcelito · 2 years
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I love how there r certain kinds of art / fic where u see it and ur like . "Ah. You are Mentally Ill"
#speculation nation#yes im counting my own fic in this. of course im counting my own fic in this.#and i mean ultimately you cant TRULY know bc theres more to ppl than what they put out#but theres just. a certain fascination with the morose that i find is typical for Mentally Ill Creators.#but yes i look at my fics. see the hurt/comfort. and every fic tagged with self harm.#and it's just like. yuuuup. yup yup yup. this sure is a manifestation of Something.#and like yea im just channeling the akechi BUT honestly i feel like majority of goroboys r kinda fucked up like no matter what lmfao#NOT ALWAYS of course. some ppl may just think hes cool or whatever#but it's in the like. recognition through the other. seeing the ugliest parts of yourself reflected in this character.#and feeling the pain. the sympathy. the fascination with it all.#you want to see him given something better because you want something better for yourself too#.....OR you want to see him utterly destroyed bc of Uhhhh totally harmless fascination with destruction obviously.#idk a lot of fandom rly isnt that deep. just people enjoying fiction together.#but when you scrounge around areas of Pain and mental illness like this. it really is kinda a lot.#there's a reason why im still here in this fandom. aside from my dedication to completing discacc and my continued like of p5#& it's bc i see myself reflected in him. a younger me perhaps. back when i really was as raw and angry and scared as he is#so it's kinda therapeutic. to make him go through hell and then see him come out running.#and thus: this creator is Obviously Mentally Ill.#ive never tried to deny it lol#self harm ment/
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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years
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...
#apologies for being whiny yet again but alas humans r social creatures and i have no desire to interact with physical ppl lmao#its just that im so so tired. ive been working on this manuscript for the last 2 weeks and i hate it so much. so i spend all week like i#cant wait for the weekend when i can avoid this. but my obsessive brain must have something to get obsessive abt and if its not work then#its something else and rn i can feel it creeping into my drawing. like i just want to draw all the time. more and more and more. i can feel#the goalpost shifting on what's qualities as acceptable and on one hand i feel like ive gotten a lot better in a short period of time but#but also it means i sit there for like 6hrs coloring until my legs hurt and ive wasted so much time and i spend hours filpping back and#forth. unable to commit to drawing any one thing. which is very annoying. idk its just exhausting bc all i can think abt is all the things#i should be doing instead but im stuck there until i can get x thing done#and i put so much pressure on the time i have to draw that most of the time im too paralyzed to do anything#bc executive dysfunction annoyingness. and my brain makes me stay up so late and wake up so early. im just tired#so im making myself miserable in all aspects of life. like no. stop that. pls#its just this like crazy frantic anxious energy constantly spinning in my chest#and its like oh u should make friends or something so u can get out of ur own head but like idk ppl are exhausting and i dont like#listening to myself talk. i find it personally annoying lol. i feel like some sort of alien when i go to lab meetings. like i see what's#happening and i understand the structure but like in a synical way. like im not reacting how im supposed to. the interactions dont make me#feel anything. i feel the same way when i go to the zoo or something. like im supposed to feel something but its not there. im forming#memories but then when i hear ppl reminisce abt it. its like oh yea i guess that did happen. i dont have the fond memories u seem to have.#i dont feel anything abt it. so then whats the point of doing things like that? its just a waste of time and money if im not gonna enjoy it#my emotions seem to shift between light misery and an obsessive almost manic focus. so ill smile abt thing but something deep in my chest#feels wrong. weird emotional disonace. agh. idk its just annoying and ive gotta sort myself out b4 i have to take a like 18hr car ride with#my boss in like 3 weeks or something. blah! i should just sleep more. that would prob help#unrelated#in a lab meeting once i got asked what i do to relax and im like. i dont. and my boss was like what abt drawing?#and i was like ahah i like to draw but im so obsessive abt it that its something i have to do#so its not so much fun as it is stressful so yeah i dont relax
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shidoukanae · 3 days
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wanted to do another TME sketchdump (that i actually finish coloring ;;;) and so i did!!!
been thinking about TME almost literally 24/7 (and the other time is spent on OCs lol) and i still can't get over how this story is literally everything ive longed to see (as well as full of things i didn't know i longed to see. hewwo Empress Arne and Emperor Christopher).
#The mighty extra#the mighty extra: one girl changes the world#i gave up on the Lyla/irlLyla one ahaha#i just wanted to transition between both her selves in a cool dissolving kind of way#also im utterly in love with this new artstyle of mine#can't wait to use it for my own original projects at some pt lol#also the Helene/Paris sketch in this makes me melt#i like how the universe heard my complaints about Tilt/Burst and said “bet. here's a ship that is of the same archetype but better"#literally Helene is manipulative of Paris but he's lovesick for her and their relationship is so fun and dynamic i love them#can't wait to see what pivotal moment in the plot changes Helene's opinion of Paris and at what point she reciprocates his interest in her#tho tbf she may already be at this point considering she's strangely playful towards him and literally no one else in the story#also!! Arne??? you'd think i should hate her bc she's cruel to my fave but goddamn am i kind of rooting for her ngl#she's such a good villainess character and i have a feeling if she wasn't blinded by sunk cost hell she would've been a good mother-#to Helene#especially because i can't help but remember that Arne implies she was spiteful towards Christopher for never once caring about Helene-#or Tyrone when they were hurt as kids and how she uses the unfairness of that situation to chastise him#honestly Arne's actions are understandable af. she's not a good person but damn if im not on her side over the emperor's#i have so many thoughts about this manwha it's literally such a complex story and so up my alley it hurts#never thought a transmigration manwha would end up being my favorite story ever but here we are#and im quite enjoying my time here :P
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