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laxmiree · 2 years

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[CN] MLQC Lucien’s Entrapment date translation

⚠️ SPOILER ALERT!! ⚠️

This post contains a detailed spoiler for a date that has not been released in EN yet! Feel free to notify me if there are any mistakes in the translation~

“The artist once hoped to put the butterfly on a glass cover and keep it with him forever. But later, he discovered that even when he let the butterfly go, it flew back to him.”

“It gave him happiness he had never felt or imagined before.”

“I love you.”

“Everything about you, every time you approach me... makes my heart beat excitedly.”

“It makes me fall in love with you again and again... for countless times.”

Translation under cut

(T/N: VERY RECOMMENDED TO HEAR THE VOICE ACTING, ESP THE I LOVE YOU BC IT’S JUST *clenches fist* SO GOOD. BLESS XIA LEI FOR GIVING US THE MOST TENDER, LOVING, AND SEXIEST 我爱你. Anyway I subtitle this date on youtube(turn on CC!) and don’t forget to come back here if you want to read my rambling slash analysis about this date if you want to, I’ll put it on the bottom part of this post-)

[Part 1]

A breeze blew the balcony curtain, and the clear blue sky was intermittently visible through the gap.

The light and shadow of the lamp brushed over the meals on the table and also reflected on Lucien's clear and elegant profile.

I withdrew my gaze and gently rubbed my coffee cup. After a few moments, I couldn't refrain from sneaking another glance at Lucien.

I heard a soft sound of metal touching the porcelain plate. Lucien put down the knife with a faint smile in his voice.

Lucien: Seems like MC has been secretly watching me since this morning.

Lucien: Is there something you want to talk about?

My small movement got busted. I paused a little and calmly denied it.

MC: ...Nothing, I'm just a little curious about your current condition.

MC: After being together for so long, I rarely see you drink as much as you did last night…

[Flashback start]

Some time ago, our work at hand came to an end, and we finally had a chance to relax.

With the intention of unwinding, we arranged a vacation to the city where a classic romance movie was set.

It was Valentine's Day, and romantic decorations could be seen all around the small town. The hotel also sent flowers and local red wine.

After a day of strolling around the old streets, I pulled Lucien to sit on the balcony sofa and enjoy the scenery at night.

The smell of red wine diffuses in the night. Lucien picked up the decanter and swirled it, then poured the wine into the glass.

I took a few sips, and the mellow aroma of the wine spread in my mouth.

I comfortably exhaled, and my tense nerves became relaxed. I saw a book of Spanish poetry on the corner of the table and opened it casually.

After stumbling over a few lines, an unfamiliar phrase caught my attention.

MC: distancia íntima…

I didn't know why I repeated it, and I saw Lucien on the sofa, gazing down at the color of the red wine.

So I gently leaned my head, rested my chin on his shoulder, and dragged the tail notes.

MC: Professor Lucien, I don't quite understand this part.

Lucien put down his glass and glanced over the line of poetry that I pointed to. Then, his gaze fell on my face.

Lucien: It refers to an interpersonal distance of 46 cm, which is also the minimum distance for self-defense.

Lucien: Typically, it is reserved exclusively for family members… or lovers.

Lucien's fingertips fell to my lips, gently wiping away the faint red wine stains. I asked him a follow-up question.

MC: What will happen if we overcome this distance?

Lucien: Then both parties will unconsciously want to share… love.

As Lucien spoke, his face approached mine a little closer. I could almost smell the faint scent of alcohol on his breath.

There seem to be unspoken and heavy emotions between our eyes. I put down the glass, smiling, and hooked Lucien's neck.

MC: What is it?

Lucien bowed his head along with my force. His falling bangs brushed my face.

Lucien: I find that there seems to be something else more worth focusing on… I can't wait for this 'lecture' to be over.

MC: Pfft, why are you getting more and more straightforward?

Lucien: [chuckle] I prefer to describe it as something "uncontrollable" rather than straightforward.

Lucien: I've heard that when your heart feels excited, your words or actions will unconsciously show it.

Lucien: (whisper) Just like right now, when I think that MC is very cute…

A drunken kiss fell on my lips along with his words.

The unfinished poetry book fell to the ground with a thud, but no one bothered to pick it up. I clutched the corner of Lucien's coat and instinctively responded to his kiss.

The moonlight is gentle. Between our intertwined breaths, I heard a vague whisper on my lips.

Lucien: (whispering between the kisses-) ...I love you...

My heart suddenly beat a little faster. I pulled away from Lucien, slightly panting. I want to hear more clearly.

MC: Y-you just said…

My words were interrupted by his lips that were chasing mine. I don't know if it is because of alcohol, but Lucien is a little more irresistible than usual.

As the kiss deepened, I gradually lost my focus. I can only close my eyes and cater to his demands.

But that whispered phrase lightly tickled my heart, with little tickles appearing now and then.

[Flashback ends]

[Part 2]

Lucien: MC?

Lucien's voice came to my ears. I looked back and saw Lucien looking at me with interest.

Lucien: Your ears are red... Did you think of something?

MC: (blushing) ...No, it's probably because the coffee is too hot.

I pretended to blow on the coffee in my cup and spoke in a casual manner.

MC: Speaking of which, do you remember what you said to me on the balcony last night?

Lucien tilted his head and seemed to think seriously for a moment.

Lucien: [chuckle] I can't quite remember.

Lucien: It seems that a lot of things happened and many things were said last night.

Lucien: Which one would MC like to hear? Maybe you can give me a hint?

Lucien's expression reveals a little bit of innocence as if he really can't remember the whisper that brushed through his lips.

I opened my lips, and a jumble of chaotic memories accompanied by hot whispers flashed through my mind.

How does this remind us that at that time we were on-

After a moment of staring at each other, I blushed and changed the subject.

MC: ... N-nothing, let's talk about it later.

(they really did ‘that’ on balcony-)

Lucien didn't ask any more questions, as if he didn't notice anything unusual. But I couldn't help thinking, how can I hear him say those three words again?

My heart skipped a beat when I glanced at the book of poems on the corner of my desk.

When I was flipping through the book last night, I saw that there were quite a few love poems included in the book. Maybe… I can use this to create an opportunity?

Thinking of this, I naturally picked up the poetry book and raised it at Lucien.

MC: I suddenly remembered that I hadn't finished reading this book yet.

MC: How about this… Please teach me to read some poems for the occasion of Valentine's Day, Professor Lucien~

I put a little more emphasis on the word "for the occasion".

Lucien looked at me for a moment, got up like he understood what I meant, and then sat beside me.

As the other side of the sofa sank down, I leaned towards Lucien, watching him take over the poetry book as he carefully selected the titles.

I looked at him expectantly. However, I heard Lucien speak in distress at the next second.

Lucien: There are many masterpieces in this poetry collection. Which one does MC want me to read with you?

...Have I not implied enough?

I was a little stunned, and unconsciously spoke.

MC: It's the kind of confession that says I love you-

I abruptly stopped talking for a moment. My ears flushed a little.

... I'm obviously here to set up the conversation. How come I fell into the trap before Lucien did?

I blinked unconsciously. Lucien rested the poetry collection on his chin and thoughtfully looked at me.

A few moments later, a warm hand fell on my shoulder. Lucien hugged me and brought us closer together.

I could almost smell the faint scent of cedar on him- it was the same scent I had been deeply tainted with from last night.

(heh, 'deeply tainted from last night')

Lucien: There is only one copy of the book, so I will have to ask this classmate to read it with me.

His fingertips stopped at a page of the poetry book as he spoke.

Lucien: Aquite amo (Here I love you)… I think this is the one that you like.

Lucien: Andan días iguales persiguiéndose (Days, all one kind, go chasing each other)…

His low reading voice came like a soft evening breeze passing through the twilight-shrouded pine forest.

I held my breath and subconsciously turned my head to look at Lucien. I belatedly discovered that we were already so close.

His side profile is just a short distance away, as if I can drop a kiss on his jaw by just tilting my head.

Noticing my gaze, Lucien raised his eyes to look at me. His voice filled with a couple of imperceptible laughter.

Lucien: [chuckle] Fellow student, please pay attention.

MC: (blush)...I'm paying attention!

I blushed and looked at the page, but I didn't know where I should focus on.

There was a gentle, meaningful laugh ringing in my ears. Lucien raised his hand and held my fingers.

I felt the soft touch of the paper through my fingertips. He guided me across the paper and landed on one line.

Lucien: I have already read this far.

Lucien: Aquí te amo y en vano te oculta el horizonte.

Lucien: Here I love you and the horizon hides you in vain…

The long-awaited words just suddenly came to my ears. My heart beat a little faster, and I instinctively responded to his voice.

MC: Te estoy amando aun entra estas frías cosas (I love you still among these cold things)...

The room echoed with our overlapping voices as we read it to each other. But my eyes gradually began to wander.

I snuck a glance at Lucien, and leaned closer to him. The idea of being "greedy" probes a little bit.

It seems that I want so much more than that.

It would be nice to hear him speak his love... in a straightforward way.

[Part 3]

I pursed my lips in distress.

I know that Lucien won't refuse if I ask him. But a direct request is not as romantic as being unable to restrain your emotions.

But under what circumstances would Lucien say love?

The sound of reading stopped at some point. I belatedly raised my head and met Lucien's gaze.

Lucien: I finished reading the poem that MC wanted to hear. Should I continue?

MC: No~ I want to arrange some other activities.

MC: When traveling, we can't stay just stay in the hotel.

Besides, it is easier to create opportunities in a new environment!

I planned to get up from Lucien's arms, but he caught me by the waist, and I fell back into the embrace behind me.

Lucien's chin gently rested against my shoulder, mimicking my affectionate actions from last night.

Lucien: I have an alternative plan. Would you like to hear it?

Lucien: When I checked in yesterday, the front desk recommended the nearby home gallery and said it would be a good place to visit.

MC: A home gallery?

Lucien: Um, it was converted from a personal residence. The gallery owner changes the theme from time to time and selects paintings for display.

Lucien: The works on display are not those of famous artists. But the personal touch is stronger, and the atmosphere is quiet. The theme in recent days happens to be "lovers".

That sounds like… a good place for creating an opportunity.

I hugged Lucien's arm and nodded with joy.

MC: Well, let's go check it out~

The gallery mentioned by the receptionist wasn't too far from the hotel. Lucien and I strolled along the street, sometimes pausing to look at the roadside scenery.

After about ten minutes, I saw a building with a "Galeria" sign. Curious, I went ahead and pushed the door open.

The room was full of paintings. The elderly owner got up from behind the board and said some words to us with a smile.

Lucien nodded his head in response; I tugged on his sleeve curiously.

Before I said anything, he explained in a low voice.

Lucien: He said that the art exhibition is open, and painting tools are provided to create your own paintings.

Lucien: If you don't mind the surroundings, you can do it in the living room. Or if you don't want to be disturbed, you can also reserve a room. You can decide after the exhibition.

The old man gestured kindly towards the deep corridor in response to his words. Then he sat back at his drawing board and continued to paint.

Not wanting to disturb the old man's work anymore, Lucien and I glanced at each other and lightened our steps in unison.

The daylight flows quietly on the varnished floor, and various portrait paintings hang on the dark vine-patterned walls.

The brush strokes are either smooth or rough, but the faces drawn out are filled with love. I leaned close to the painting frame and carefully examined it.

MC: It seems that not all the portraits here are made by professional artists.

Lucien: Indeed, it is more like a portrait of a lover painted by a visitor on a whim.

I can't help but think of the scene in the movie where the young artist is at a loss as to what to do with his beloved and smile gently.

MC: It is indeed very appropriate to leave this kind of painting for each other in the "holy land of love"~

Lucien: Then, can MC paint a portrait for me?

I blinked in surprise and suddenly thought of something.

Last night, Lucien said that the intimate distance would make people unconsciously want to share their love.

Maybe this can be used to quietly close the distance and create an atmosphere that makes Lucien open his mouth!

Having made up my mind, I nodded with a smile.

MC: Then I'll invite Professor Lucien to be my model this time~

The door of the room was closed silently.

The silence slowly spread, and I could hear the rustling sound of swaying trees from time to time. Lucien looked around and saw the narrow prop bed in the corner.

Lucien: As a model, I have to maintain a pose for a long time… MC, do you mind if I slack off in this way?

As Lucien spoke, he walked around the table and chairs, and sat on the side of the prop bed. I coughed and spun the paintbrush twice.

MC: Sure. So, does Professor Lucien have any ideas about the modeling?

Lucien bent his slender eyebrows.

Lucien: I'll leave it up to the artist to decide.

Lucien: I'm willing to work with you on whatever you need.

Our eyes met for a moment. I held my drawing board and went to stand beside Lucien.

MC: Then I would like you to take a more relaxed pose, Professor Lucien.

As I said that, I pushed Lucien's shoulder. He cooperatively fell back on the pillow and looked at me sincerely.

Lucien: Is this enough?

MC: Let's get a little more relaxed.

MC: I want to portray the way you look when you're at ease~

I explained solemnly and leaned down to unbutton his coat.

MC: ...You should also dress in a way that brings out your sensuality, don't be so tense.

MC: Imagine that you're in the bedroom at home.

His coat fell to the bed sheet, making the atmosphere a little quiet and charming. Lucien looked at me and slightly moved his eyes.

Everything is going as expected. I sat down on the chair beside the bed. And I was beginning to plan how to move forward when I heard Lucien speak.

Lucien: Is this enough for you?

Lucien asked as he lifted his hand and unbuttoned his shirt one by one while I watched.

The collar that was buttoned to the top slowly opens up, and the smooth lines outline the firm shapes, which are gradually hidden behind the bottom of the hem. My ears suddenly turned red.

MC: I-I...

Lucien: I just think it will be more in line with the state that MC wants.

Lucien: (whisper seductively) Or do you need me to relax a bit more?

Lucien's fingertips continued to move down; his tail note was slightly lighter. For some reason, I suddenly felt that the air seemed to heat up a bit.

I quickly averted my gaze and subconsciously tightened my grip on the brush.

MC: No need, this will do!

As I said that, I hurriedly sketched out some lines on the board.

Lucien's soft laugh came to my ears. After the rustling of the fabric, the room returned to silence, with only the rustling sound of the brushes stroking over the canvas remaining.

In addition to wanting to create an opportunity to hear Lucien say those three words, I also wanted to give him this painting as a memento of our Valentine's Day trip.

Dark hair, slender eyebrows… I depicted every emotion stroke by stroke, and the familiar outline gradually emerged on the paper.

It's just that every time I look up, I can see Lucien's smiling eyes.

My face was getting hotter and hotter, and I started to avert my eyes.

The artist's red face when facing the model in the movie came to my mind. I hastily withdrew my gaze and huffed in empathy.

…It turns out that the scene was not exaggerated.

Gazing at the person you like for so long, you really can't control your heartbeat.

I tried my best to maintain my composure and finished most of the painting. Then, Lucien's phone suddenly rang.

He helplessly blinked at me. Before he could say anything, I handed over the phone.

MC: Let's take a look. What if it's news from the research institute~

Lucien took the phone, but his body still remained in the same position as before. He just raised his hand a bit and looked at the message.

The screen's glow shines on his face, sharp and gentle, wonderfully distinguishing between light and dark. Lucien glanced at me, smiled softly, and spoke.

Lucien: Can Miss Artist continue like this?

Realizing this opportunity, I put down my drawing board and got up from my chair.

MC: The angle has changed a bit. Let me correct it.

I said and touched Lucien's cheek, and quietly guided him.

MC: But I didn't expect Professor Lucien to be so calm when he posed in front of me in such a "seductive" way~

Lucien cooperated and tilted his head. His soft bangs brushed against my palm.

Lucien: After all, the job of a model is to work with the creative process.

Lucien: And in the eyes of Miss Artist, now I should be no different from a… butterfly

MC: Now the positions are switched.

I smiled, seeing that Lucien also seemed to have lost in the memory, and then he opened his mouth.

Lucien: The artist once hoped to put the butterfly on a glass cover and keep it with him forever. But later, he discovered that even when he let the butterfly go, it flew back to him.

Lucien: It gave him happiness he had never felt or imagined before.

MC: From the butterfly's perspective, it also reaped the happiness that comes from being willing to stop… The artist and the butterfly are meant to complement each other.

MC: Just like now, you are a "butterfly" that complements me.

Lucien silently looked at me for a moment and bent the corners of his lips.

Lucien: That's right. As you said, painting is a two-way street between the artist and the depicted subject.

Lucien: So, now I will also do my best to assist.

Lucien winked as he talked, and his posture became more relaxed.

I went around in circles and didn't hear the expected response. I pursed my lips and took a roundabout approach to lead him.

MC: Professor Lucien is a very cooperative model. He's probably the ideal partner for any artist~

Lucien: Perhaps. But this kind of close observation is a privilege that belongs only to you.

My heart skipped a beat.

MC: ....Will Professor Lucien have a special feeling when facing the artist like that butterfly?

Lucien: I have.

Lucien said and looked at me.

Lucien: Facing you, I seem to have no way to restrain my heartbeat.

Suddenly, his drunken confessions from last night come to mind, intertwined with his whispers at this moment.

Lucien: (whisper) Just like now. By simply looking at you, I can't help but want to…

Lucien paused.

Amid the accelerated heartbeat, he held my hand that was touching his cheek and slowly rubbed it. The already close distance was shortened again, and my wrist was warmed by the heat of his breath.

Bathed in a faint soft light, he stared at me and spoke softly.

Lucien: (continuing his whisper) So, I'm also a little curious.

Lucien: (still whispering) Now that MC is facing me, what are the thoughts in her heart?

[Part 4]

The church bells rang in the distance, and the birds fluttered their wings and flew past the window.

The shadow of the daylight reflected on Lucien's profile, and the air between us seemed to be stained with lingering and deep affection.

I gazed into Lucien's dark eyes and picked up the painting I was about to finish from the chair.

MC: All I want to express is here.

MC: In that movie, the moment the main character saw the painting, they understood the artist's intention…

MC: So, can you feel my emotions by looking at this?

Lucien looked at the painting. His eyes lingered on every spot as if he was facing a priceless work of art, and there seemed to be some emotions surging in his gaze.

Lucien: Mm, every stroke is full of tenderness and… yearning.

Lucien: Did I get it right?

Seeing his serious expression, I opened my lips hesitantly.

I painted each stroke of the painting with love. How can Lucien didn't feel it…?

Or is my drawing skill so clumsy… that I can't even convey my emotions?

I doubted myself and forcibly raised the corners of my mouth.

MC: It's not wrong, but it's not the right answer either. What I'm trying to express is- ah, just forget it.

I sat back in my chair, feeling a little bit defeated, and sighed unnoticeably.

A very soft sigh came from behind me. Accompanied by the rustling of clothes, I was swept into a warm embrace.

Lucien wrapped me from behind and held the paintbrush together with me.

His faint cedar scent surrounds my body. Lucien leaned close to my cheek and spoke in a low voice.

Lucien: Remember what I told you about "intimate distance"?

Lucien: Within 46 cm, you can feel every subtle change in the breathing and temperature of the person in front of you.

Lucien: For me, you are the only person who can enter this distance.

The brush we hold lands on the canvas. Amidst the rubbing sound caused by the friction of the brush and the canvas, the unrefined half of the face gradually becomes clear.

Lucien immediately put down the paintbrush. He didn't let me go and maintained our hugging position. We looked at the drawing board together.

The canvas shows him lying on the edge of the bed with a faint smile on his face.

However, upon closer look, I find that although the brushwork is more refined later on, something seems to be missing in how the painting subject is portrayed.

I opened my lips but heard Lucien speak.

Lucien: You noticed it too, didn't you?

Lucien: Even I can't paint a true portrait of how I look in your eyes.

Lucien: (whisper) Relaxed, disorganized, and also perhaps a little bit of what you call "playing tricks"… Only in front of you, everything about me will be open without reservation.

Lucien: (whisper) This is a side only you can see… And when I put the brush to the canvas, I can't pour more love into it than you do.

I looked at Lucien, a little stumped for words. In addition to the full attention in his eyes, he also showed a little helpless smile.

Is it possible that he has already understood what I want to express?

So why did he keep avoiding the word "love"? It's like he was trying to bait me to say the word….

I suddenly thought of something and broke free from Lucien's embrace with a little effort.

Then I got up and pressed him down on the chair, unsurely asking him a question.

MC: Your reaction to many things seems to be different than usual today.

MC: …Lucien, are you also planning something?

Lucien: Hmm? 'Also'?

Lucien's voice hid a deeper meaning to it. I opened my mouth and finally admitted with a blushing face.

MC: I admit, I have indeed been trying to bait you to say something to me… What about you?

In the gradual acceleration of my heartbeat, I met with Lucien's gaze.

Lucien: Of course, I… have the same purpose as you.

I blinked in astonishment.

MC: For what reason?

Lucien: For what reason…?

Lucien gently repeated my question, and his warm breath close against my skin.

Lucien: At first, I just thought that the way you worked hard was cute, and I wanted to see more of it. But then I became "greedy" too.

Lucien: Rather than fulfilling your wish, I rather see MC's most instinctive desire for me being revealed in the intimate distance that only belongs to us…

Lucien: Together with the most straightforward expression of love.

Lucien: But looking at it now, it ended up backfired. So, in order to make amends, I'm willing to accept any punishment.

Finally, there is an explanation for this man's various "unromanticism" today. I snorted softly and suddenly thought of something.

MC: But speaking of which, did Professor Lucien remember wrongly?

MC: When we were reading the poem, I was "tricked" into saying I love you first.

Lucien spoke with a voice that was filled with inaudible grievances.

Lucien: But those are the words of the poet, not yours.

Lucien: What I want to hear is a straightforward confession from MC.

I was stunned. I couldn't help laughing when thinking about how I precisely thought the same thing as him. My fingers pulled on Lucien's tie, and I moved closer to him.

Our breathing is gradually intertwined. I asked him a question in a soft voice.

MC: So, is the distance between us now less than 46 centimeters?

Lucien gazed at me and suddenly grabbed my waist.

Lucien: (chuckles, then whispers seductively) I think… It can still be a little closer.

The hands on my waist tightened a little. I leaned over to get close to him and spoke in a teasing manner.

MC: Doesn't Professor Lucien want to take the initiative this time?

Lucien looked as if he was allowing himself to be captured, but his eyes weren't wavering.

Lucien: After all, it's punishment time. So, I'm going to hand over all the initiative to you.

Despite saying these words, his hand did not loosen up in the slightest. Instead, he caressed upward, bringing me closer to him.

I couldn't suppress my laughter. I whispered as I bowed my head.

MC: How cunning.

I kissed Lucien as soon as the words fell.

A slightly cool sensation comes through equally soft lips, and my heart trembles with each restless movement.

I sank into the seemingly passive yet irresistible demands of the person in front of me.

The strength of my body was drained away before I knew it. I half-kneeled, half-sat in his embrace, and couldn't resist closing my eyes.

Entangling, deeply penetrating… The tip of his tongue lightly swept my sensitive upper palate. I shuddered and instinctively wanted to struggle.

But I was firmly confined and had nowhere to escape.

…I don't want to stay away either.

Until every breath that reaches deep into my soul gradually becomes fully tainted with his breath.

I could hear the rustling of the curtains brushing against the window and the sound of people walking in the hallway, but I didn't care about it anymore.

My senses, my everything… All melted in this kiss and the depth of his eyes.

Between our melded breaths, I slightly pulled myself away from Lucien and instinctively opened my mouth to speak.

Lucien: (with the most tender and loving whisper between the kisses) I love you.

MC: (whispering at the very same time as Lucien) I love you.

Coincidentally, our unanimous whispers were intertwined in the air. In just an instant, my heart was filled with happiness, flying like a feather in the warm sunlight.

I raised the corners of my lips and stroked Lucien's cheek.

MC: Is Professor Lucien satisfied with my expression?

Lucien clasped my hand and interlocked our fingers together.

Lucien: (whisper) It's even better than I imagined.

Lucien: (whisper) Everything about you, every time you approach me... makes my heart beat excitedly.

His warm breath brushed against my ear. Lucien tilted his head again and irresistibly chased after my lips.

The spring scenery is deeply reflected in his eyes, and I also saw my figure reflected in them.

After those whispers, I heard him whisper once again.

Lucien: It makes me fall in love with you again and again... for countless times.

[Personal Rambles + Date analysis(?) corner]

I love this date. Personally, I would even say that I like this date better than last month’s SP and SSR. I think it is worth being the one date where it has ‘I love you’ in it. Not just ‘I like you’, or his ‘definition of love’.

There are many things I want to scream about this date- but to keep it simple, I’ll just talk about some parts that I think are really interesting this date.

[Here I love you]

Okay, so the first one is the poem, ‘Here I love you’ by Pablo Neruda. I like this part because their poem exchange reminds me of the scene from Lucien’s Blossoms date where they wittily quoted poems to each other (something that sadly, gets lost in translation:”).

But anyway, back to the topic of my interpretation of how some lines of this poem coincided with parts of the dates and their story in general.

First of all, I love how PG choose this poem that explores love and fear of losing someone you love, which is THE big angst theme for Lucien.

"In that hazy memory, he seems to have lost someone."

—In his dream, he also sat with a girl under a tall tree, painting. He never understood why but when they drew a seedling on the paper, he would draw a glass to cover it.

Until just now, after he experienced the moment of losing the only color in his life, Lucien understood his choice in the dream.

—This is a fear of losing someone again.' - [R&S Eternity and a day.]

There’s a reason why PG chooses to torture this man by making him believe that MC is dead after chapter 18 [R&S Not Planned On] and making him watch her die again and again in [Main Story S2 chapters 13 and 14]. Because he already lost so much in life, he’s probably the one who fear losing MC the most.

Here I love you. The word here indicates that the poet is the one who stays and waits in one place. Just like Lucien, who is always waiting for her to take him home in S2. He doesn’t mind waiting for her answer no matter how long. It’s also something that’s highlighted in [Dating Reality Show Date]. Where we learn that he was the one who fell at first sight and waited for MC whose love is something that grows with time and his companionship.

This is a port. Here I love you. Just like ships that always come and go in the port, so do people. But ships can always come back to port after they parted. The butterfly can always fly back to the artist even after the artist lets her go. I’ll dive deeper into it in its own section ;)

I love what I do not have. It really reminds me of what MC said in the only color call. Where she said that to love someone is to love them as an individual, and there’s no requirement for a special relationship. You just want the person you love to be happy, not to ‘have’ them :”.

The moon turns its clockwork dream; The biggest stars look at me with your eyes. Lucien will unconsciously reveal his sides that he doesn’t even notice. Only in front of her, he will open up everything about himself without reservation. ‘The biggest star’ is the love in her eyes as she gazes at him as if he’s the only person she can see in this world.

“You noticed it too, didn't you?”

“Even I can't paint a true portrait of how I look in your eyes.”

And the opposite also true, because he too, always gazes at her as if she’s the only person he can see in this world.

The spring scenery is deeply reflected in his eyes, and I also saw my figure reflected in them.

[Distancia Intima]

This one is probably the shortest part ahah, but distancia intima or Intimate Distance is the nearest space around our body and is reserved for an intimate person like a family member or lover.

For Lucien, it’s a space that only belongs to one person. Only in front of her, he can show his most unreserved sides.

But on the other side, it also means that she’s the only important person left in his life. Whether as his ‘family member’ or lover :”...

[Reverse Artist and Butterfly]

OK BUT, this one is definitely an unexpected twist, but pleasant. I love how in the process of confessing ‘I love you’ we get taken back to his very first definition of love, the Artist and Butterfly.

“If you can meet that artist, tell him this for me. That he actually doesn’t love the butterfly, does he?”

“Why do you think that the artist doesn’t love the butterfly? If you love someone, aren’t you supposed to move heaven and earth to tie them to your side?”

“But that is too selfish.”

“Yes, even I find it selfish.”

“But if he doesn’t do that, it’s likely that the artist will lose the butterfly.”

“And then his life will be like how it was before, his whole world would just be black and white.”

“If he really loves the butterfly, then he wouldn’t want to see them suffer, right?”

“Maybe I’m too simple, but for me, genuine love is simply loving that person as an individual, and I wouldn’t need a special relationship with them. I’d just want them to be happy.”

“If you were this butterfly, and there was someone who wanted to confine you to their side so they could keep you together with them forever…”

“Would you be willing?” - [The Only Color Call]

For him at first, to love is to bind someone by his side, but for MC to love is simply loving the person as an individual and wanting them to be happy. It reminds me of the saying ‘If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.’

The artist let the butterfly go, but the butterfly flew back and decided to stay with the artist because it is happy to be by the artist’s side. This happiness is a two-way street because the butterfly’s willingness to stop also brings the artist happiness he never felt before… Their choice of being by each other side is the longest confession of love.

It is even more interesting that this date talks about the identity exchange between the artist and the butterfly. All this time, we usually thought that Lucien is the ‘artist’ while MC is the ‘butterfly’ but it seems that, the reverse also works.

Because Lucien also brings color to MC just like the butterfly to the artist. They color each other’s world.

Perhaps for everyone, the world was monochromatic at the beginning.

With time and encounters, the world gradually became stained with colors, giving value to different people and things.

Slowly, the whole world becomes colorful as it interacts with memory. It also has smells and sounds.

Until the most special existence appeared that makes the color of this world more distinctive.

It's as if the whole picture has been retouched so that everything has a new meaning.

While we quietly shared the cake, I looked at Lucien's face lit by the warm lights.

“Lucien, you’re colorful right now” – Lucien’s 3rd birthday date

-and because MC too, just like the artist, also greedily wants to keep him safe forever. But because she knew that she couldn’t stop Lucien from walking towards his aspiration, all she can do is let him go and try to catch up to him.

Both of them learn to let go as the artist and also choose to stay as the butterfly because it’s what makes them happy.

[我爱你]

From ‘Can you teach me how to love?’ to ‘I love you.’ LOOK AT HOW FAR HE’S GROWN. I can’t believe it’s been days since the date and the PV but I still sob every time I heard him say that. It’s been a long process, even though he’s been declaring his love in his own way, whether it is his wordless declaration of love in S1 chapters 35 and 36. Or the wheat field as the representation of his heart, with the ebbs and flow of the tide as his heartbeat in S2 chapter 34.

I love you is special as the most straightforward way to declare one’s love. I love how on this date these two fools tried to trap each other into confessing but ended up confessing instinctively at the very same time lmao. The situation is really funny, with MC who’s trying her best to create an atmosphere where Lucien would say I love you vs Lucien that knows all along about her plan, even manages to trap MC into confessing first but ends up feeling dissatisfied with the confession because it’s the poet words, not hers (-how childish-).

On this date, both of them ended up becoming greedy, wanting to hear the most direct love confession from each other.

I snuck a glance at Lucien, and leaned closer to him. The idea of being “greedy" probes a little bit.

It seems that I want so much more than that.

It would be nice to hear him speak his love... in a straightforward way.

“At first, I just thought that the way you worked hard was cute, and wanted to see more of it. But then I became “greedy” too.”

“Rather than fulfilling your wish, I rather see MC's most instinctive desire for me being revealed in the intimate distance that only belongs to us…”

“Together with the most straightforward expression of love.”

“What I want to hear is a straightforward confession from MC.”

-although both of their plans also end up backfiring as neither of them gets the straightforward love confession from their plans, MC was unhappy, and Lucien ended up taking the initiative to open up the first because he can’t stand seeing her in distress.

“It's not wrong, but it's not the right answer either. What I’m trying to express is- ah, just forget it.”

I sat back in my chair, feeling a little bit defeated, and sighed unnoticeably.

A very soft sigh came from behind me. Accompanied by the rustling of clothes, I was swept into a warm embrace.

It’s interesting sometimes how they sometimes mirror each other, having the same expectation and desires, while also opposing each other on the other occasion, like their belief and the way they see things. But one thing always remains the same, and it’s the fact that they’ll always yearn for each other.

In the end, they learn that they don’t need to go that far. They just need to follow their heart. Because whether when sober or drunk, the heart knows when to beat faster simply by the presence of each other. The most perfect explanation of this mutual eternal heartbeat is ‘I love you’. And he will keep falling in love, again and again, countless times simply by her close proximity or existence alone.

My final words; I’m very, very satisfied with this date~

#HOW CAN SOMETHING BE SWEET SPICY AND ANGSTY AT THE SAME TIME #enjoy the 1.5k date analysis (?)#this one is my personal favourite sobs #mlqc lucien #mr love queen's choice #mlqc date #mlqc cn #mlqc spoiler #mr. love queen's choice #mlqc

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alphaketoglutaricacid · 3 months

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still think its extremely clever (despite my qualms bc im a professional hater) the ways the interactions the elves have w the rest of the world mirror the dynamics in the nakamoto household. Theres this fantasy element of the elves being more in touch w nature (and the plant motif the nakamotos got going on) long lived magical beings w spider armor who think they know better than everyone else so they treat others like children. N with the nakamoto house, everyones considered part of this family. W the idealization of the lord vassal relationship being one of informal mutual agreement (tho ofc the idea of it being entirely voluntary cannot be like. Materially true. But theres ways the relationship of a knight n his king, the king n his subjects r romanticized n theres elements of this in dm for sure so who knows where dm falls on this ) Which makes the head of the house a father of sort to everyone in the house (tho i imagine the exact distinction to like paternalism of a household and like being someones father in the modern sense is not completely translatable). Like the plot w the canaries is so long reaching, of this army sailing to the other side of the world to conquer this dungeon but their parallels w the nakamotos and the close, familial violence that is happening just in this snapshot of this rando house (tho part of its focus on just them is probs bc the japanese audience is more familiar w what ideas its drawing from. ) really shows like. The banal shittiness of it. The elves arent even exceptional in their brutality this is just what ppl w outsized power over others do.

+ in feudal japan everything is viewed as being collectively owned by the house itself rather than individuals + the individuals having to act for the good of the house rather than for themselves vis a vis how both nobles and prisoners are conscripted into the canaries for what is seen as for da good of the world. The connection of family n how degals father adopted thistle as his own son even tho he was taken from his home to be a servant (and at this point i can feel ms kui going dont think too hard abt the ethics of this. The love was real #feudalism). + the connection w the toudens (closest we get to like a “nuclear family “) and how their father could send falin away against the shock of every other member of the family (tho falin eventually understood i think..?) in the ways his flaws as a human being become bigger bc of the outsized amt of power he had in his own family. that his relatively banal flaw of not explaining himself could break the family apart. As an aside, do u think maybe laios was able to understand the actions of his father just a little more when seeing chilchucks relationship w his family? Probably not enough to forgive his own father. But maybe a first step to understanding it and also himself.

Just like how the entire fall of the golden kingdom rests upon the interpersonal failures between the melinis and the ways they viewed each other as family and held each other to it even as their roles changed. W the complications of falin n marcilles relationship as falin started to outrun her. Kabru n milsirils relationship as a smaller version of whats happening w the elves and the rest of the world.

Like the relationship of a parent and child n all it reflects w ppl w power and those who do not in dungeon meshis really interesting. That having power is a difficult thing interpersonally, which is why holding it requires extra sensitivity to others bc all ur flaws will get magnified in the harms it causes. Like i respect how the internal logic of it. checks out. i think dm has sufficiently justified its ending even tho im personally like after all that… u still think there should be a king…? Like i respect the scope of the work n what its trying to convey. tho more than that i respect the most how it conveys it (bc i dont think a lot of the themes themselves are particularly groundbreaking)

#dungeon meshi spoilers

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thebingequeen · 1 year

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blue beetle brain rot

no bc as a chicana myself, watching blue beetle was so refreshing. First off, the cast being a reflection of what it is like in an actual mexican house was INSANE. Like most of the time, sure they claim a character is mexican, but this? This was absolutely everything. For one of the first times, even for a moment despite Jaime being a superhero, I could see my family and even nuances that I hardly ever thing about just be on a screen. Front and center. The bonus of it all really was that the writer for the movie, the main one, is a Mexican himself. It reflects so much. The spanglish, the actual use of proper slang and the mix that's actually spoken between the family members who immigrated to the first two generations of Chicanx. It was so pleasing. Fuck, even the way they swore was the way I've grown up speaking. I loved every minute of it. Additionally the food!! Made me hungry lmfdfsgkjhdg The way the family interacted and treasured each other was a joy. it was nice to see just how they shared everything which is very accurate. Also seeing them just band together and do things as a unit was so loving. they were written with a knowing love. & Grandma just having random skills that have never been explained before?? Literally so real. AND THE MUSIC!!!! Ohmygod the music added to it so much.

Personally I cried like 3 times. When his dad dies and he's dragged away. Two when his dad meets him in the afterlife to tell him what his purpose was. When Ignacio got his memories unlocked. However I adored the moments that really highlight the experience I've had with my own tíos being smart but it's not as acknowledged because they don't have a degree or work blue collar jobs. So seeing Jaime's Uncle Rudy be able to show that he can just create something so complex and use technical terms while also reverting to slang & layman's terms, giving the tech a good ol' kick was so good. Made me laugh when he kicked the Beetle's board to get it to turn on, too. AND THEIR TRENZAS. I was so happy seeing his sister's and abuela's hair, too. Goodness the movie is so good.

There's so much more to say but also this feels like it fits for how I feel now.

#blue beetle #dc blue beetle #dceu #blue beetle spoilers #chatterboxtalks

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zmediaoutlet · 2 years

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happy wincest wednesday liz!! as a huge full house of wincest fan, i have to wonder about your samdean headcanons in some of those fics. do you think samdean is inevitable, or at least possible, in every version?

happy happy wincest wednesday!! I'm so glad you like the full house thing. (It genuinely gives me a jolt of pride whenever I see anyone else using the term ☺ -- like, aww, there's my horizontal-and-vertical-incest baby, all grown up and--and saving China!)

Anyway -- I am a wincest tragic, so... I really can't conceive of any canon-based universe where Sam and Dean don't end up together, whether in actual-canon gencest, 'weirdcest' as I hear the kids are calling it these days, or actually full-blown brojobs and buttstuff. I mean, that's kind of the whole point of the show, or the show that I watch at least which is The Story of Sam and Dean Winchester. They start off apart, and tangle closer together, first because of destiny and then because of choice. That's always, always going to happen in a canon universe.

The Full House of Wincest is always intended to be as canon-based as possible, given constraints. As much as possible, I try to keep John's characterization more or less consistent with what we see, even given this awful thing he's doing (which can shade more or less awful, but I really try not to write him as a monster bc a) I find that boring, but also b) John Winchester in canon isn't actually a monster, because he's more complicated than that -- let's stick with it being complicated as much as possible). Even if it starts when Dean's really young and even if it's straight-up grooming and even if some bad shit goes down -- well, John started Dean on this crazy hunting life too young and groomed him to be a soldier and bad shit did go down, so sex is just... one more thing. (One thing about that: sometimes the scenarios as presented in a FHoW are actually a whole lot kinder than some of the same moments in canon. At least like this Dean's getting some kind of affection and attention, you know? [Ouch!])

So, if you pair those two paragraphs: yeah, I don't see a single FHoW scenario where Sam and Dean don't end up together. If by smooshing them together as samdean you mean strictly actual-sex incest and not just the emotional incest of canon -- I think there's still a really strong chance that actual-incest happens, even if maybe they don't end up continuing to have sex long-term. One thing about it is that for Dean, a permission structure in his head has already been formed: because John already opened that door, Dean knows it is possible to have sex with a nuclear family member and that that's not... necessarily a bad thing (regardless of extenuating circumstances and consequence). Whether he's able to do that with (or to) Sam is something he has to decide later. If it's a universe where Sam knows (or finds out), I feel like that'd become a bigger obstacle, given Sam's canonically rebellious feelings about John: this is yet another way John has ruined Dean/their family, and he can't be like John, can he? (Oh, honey. The places you'll go.)

The most interesting thing about John/Dean for me (and indeed any external Dean ship -- Benny, Deacon, Gordon, etc) is how it becomes part of Dean's character -> how that reflects on the actual story of the show -> how it becomes part of Sam/Dean. Like, Dean/Benny is fine and fun on its own, but the real magic is how it's part and parcel of the story of mistrust and fear and cheating and longing that's the story of s8. John's the same way -- I don't particularly care about John as a person in himself (though he's fine and interesting); what matters to me about him is the effect he has on his children, and in a John/Dean situation that's turned up to 11. So years later, when Sam finally touches Dean's jaw in a particular way, how does that history inform the way that Dean responds? It's just... the best. What a goddamn show that lets us play with all of that in a way that still, somehow, amazingly, makes the characters actually feel like they're in-character, like it could've just happened in a deleted scene.

#happy wincest wednesday #answers #<3 thanks for liking those stories #they are very fun to write #guess i should also tag to be safe:#the full house of wincest #john/dean #wincest

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syringesyrup · 1 year

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Favorite headcanon for every ghoul! Go!

goood question

my fav hc for dew is actually my voice claim for him or his eyes (he is partially blind in one of them due to his transition)

for swiss, it’s that he has a big ass family. two moms, his dad, plenty of siblings and nieces and nephews. he’s the middle child and he’s very very big on family, it’s why he’s so affectionate with his pack.

when mountain isn’t drumming, he has a huge passion for piercing/tattooing. he’s p much covered head to toe in body art and has a back piece with plants that symbolize each member of his pack.

rain is def bioluminescence. i was a massive godzilla kid and i’m a huge fan of the way they use bioluminescence in his more recent adaptations and it’s p much where i got the idea from. he uses it as an intimidation display sometimes

aurora also has a similar thing w bioluminescence but hers has more to do with light reflection rather than something like rains, who radiates light from his body. ykwim? her horns and skin are iridescent as well.

i don’t have like. anything for phantom but i like the single white hair streak. reminds me of a darker time in my life…..(if u get it u get it)

cirrus would probably just be my hc that she’s the alpha. they hate to see a bad bitch telling everyone what to do. she’s my silly rabbit but she runs this band like it’s the navy. she loves her ghouls very very much and her and dew are kind of co leaders of the pack they have a warrior’s bond (bipolar disorder)

cumulus would have to be that she has a big passion for fashion and that she’s the smartest out of all of the ghouls. she’s literally elle woods from legally blonde like

sunny is so scottish to me like she has big red curls and freckles and has the biggest swearing problem out of all of the ghouls she is the embodiment of idgaf she’s winning the idgaf war

aether would have to be that he has a interest in healing magic, not just bc he’s a quintessence ghoul but bc he picked it up during dews transition bc he wanted to help him and it just kinda stuck ya know. he loves helping people and it makes him feel like he’s picking up where omega left off. it gives him purpose.

i don’t have a lot for any that aren’t current ghouls but like. ifrit is alex turner. mist is a wine aunt. zephyr is Old as shit. ivy is the reason mountain got into tattooing and body art and was mountain’s mentor not just for drums, but for that as well. uhhh omega was very into astronomy and space in general. and alpha had a problem with accidentally setting his guitar strings on fire when he first was summoned (he just got too excited u guys…)

i def have a lot more for each of these fuckers but i’m sick rn and my brain is making microwave noises i cant think of shit

#ghost bc #the band ghost #my silly ghouls. i have created u in my mind. ur my ocs now.

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tsunflowers · 1 year

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I started drawing more outfits for kris and luke. I keep thinking about them

kris grew up in a lightly spooky manor house deep in the woods. all the women in her family are psychic mediums for real and people come from far and wide to hear the dead through them. most people with magic get it through the maternal line and every family has a specialty, with some talents appearing only once every few generations. kris is the only living member of her family to specialize in necromancy, physically raising the dead rather than just channeling them. her mom and aunts and grandma all hate it bc it is not marketable. they're not con artists, they really can speak with the dead, but they're businesswomen first and foremost. the people who come to them are Not interested in seeing what kris can do. for most of her teenage years she got put on entertaining the clients' kids duty and learned a lot of sleight of hand magic tricks (many of which she cheats at using blood magic bc if her blood is on something she can call it back to her)

but kris's true passion was always reading necromantic tomes and forbidden spells and raising squirrels in the woods and her family was like STOP!!! so they sent her to spend time with the youngblood family as a diversion and it was the worst mistake they ever made. although it did end with her getting out of their hair so maybe it was good

luke's family moved to the country for him to convalesce bc he's dying of fictional disease that has only the symptoms the writer wants it to. he loves reading but has been losing his eyesight due to this mysterious disease. his mom is old friends with kris's mom so they hatch a plan to keep kris out of trouble by having her come read to luke. they hit it off and started hanging out without being forced but eventually kris started talking about necromancy bc shes crazy for the stuff

luke's condition gets worse but kris's skill at necromancy improves and the topic naturally comes up. does luke want kris to kill him and raise him as a zombie. zombies have excellent night vision so he would be able to see and read again. they don't feel pain and they have enhanced strength. in a lot of ways it would be very cool to be a zombie. there is the problem of being entirely dependent on the person who raised you for continued survival but kris swore a blood oath that she would keep him alive for the rest of her natural life or until he wanted to pass on, and a blood oath from a blood mage is serious business. they really thought they had thought everything through and they hadnt but, young love, you know

kris's specialty returns the soul to the body in the condition it was in at the time of the ritual. since she and luke plan everything together and she's the one to kill him that means his body returns to about 30 seconds after his death at the age of 19 every month when she re-ups the ritual. they did not really consider how this will work out for them in the future but since luke looks like shit he can probably continue to pass for the same age as her into his 30s

they run away and join the circus where kris uses her charisma, sleight of hand skill, and dark magic to wow the crowds. luke as her handsome assistant mostly helps by showing off props and getting cut into pieces before "miraculously" standing up whole again. they put makeup on luke when performing so he looks a little more alive to the audience but I think everyone who spends any amount of time with them realizes that theres something wrong with them. but necromancy is a big taboo and most people wouldn't think of it so they're just like oh there's kris and her gaunt greenish boyfriend with the dead black eyes that don't reflect light

after they get tired of the circus they settle down in a big city with lots of crime and solve those crimes by reanimating the victims and asking them who did it

#this is so long #flowers ocs

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pugsarecool · 10 months

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it's december now, time to reflect (:

turning 23 this yr was like a shock to my system almost. this year consisted of a ton of growth & reflection.

21-22 yr old me vs 23 yr old me are vastly different kind of.

i'm no longer interested in most of the stuff i would constantly chase after or would indulge in alot. for instance, i've stopped giving people or situations my attention, energy, reaction, etc. because i just genuinely don't see the point in a lot of things, so i shrug it off and pretend like as if it never happened.

i've stopped drinking / smoking as much, i never enjoyed either one of those activities; but felt like i had to bc i would be the odd one out. but i've had many nights so far of going out with friends and not feeling the need to partake in that, i can have fun w/o it lol.

i haven't been engaging in meaningless relations w anyone so far. sure i've had my few hookups this year but it was mostly for all the wrong reasons. whether it was bc i wanted the ego boost of knowing i could get w a hot girl or because i just wanted the temporary companionship from a girl even if it was just for one night. the temptation is still there bc i'm still in college and its not hard to get sex even from girls, but i think about it before even entertaining the idea. i think to myself if it'll even be worth it after its all said and done; usually no. so i've just been keeping myself away from all of that and just enjoying my solitude as i normally do bc i know that if i go back to that phase of life where i was just hooking up w girls constantly and then dealing w the repercussions of it all, i won't know how to get out of that bc i genuinely lost myself in all of that and i don't want to lose myself again.

+ i haven't been genuinely interested in anyone either, i've just been so used to trying to better myself and prioritize myself so much that i just don't have the energy to care for dating, relationships, etc. there are times where i crave romance and intimacy with someone, but that's usually at 3am when i can't sleep and overthinking lol, once i wake up in the morning i just dont care. i've had two-ish talking stages this year, and i ruined both of them bc i refuse to prioritize anyone but myself lately. i just physically cannot commit to anything but me. the idea of a relationship sounds nice, but i'm just not willing to put in the time or effort

my career interests have constantly changed, and i was able to finally rationalize and be honest with myself as to where i want to be in life and where my ambitions are best put to use. i was working in tech this summer in seattle, it was great but i knew i had higher ambitions for myself. i was constantly debating whether to work in tech or finance, and i narrowed it down to finance and was thankfully able to land a banking job. my plan is to work in california for about two years to be able to build my professional network even further, save up $$$ and eventually live in nyc for a bit before coming back to california to hopefully settle down lol.

i started to appreciate my family and loved ones a whole lot more. i cherish every single one of them. i even visited my parents' home country and got to meet one of my grandmas for the very first time. as well as, being exposed to a very different part of the world that made me realize how much of a sheltered / comfortable life i live. i was crying a bit when the plane took off from El Salvador back home bc i felt like i was leaving behind family members and how i wished i could take them out of their current living situations that made my heart heavy. all it took was that one trip for me to get a grip on myself and realize how blessed i truly am and to always appreciate the moments i have with my family members.

#2023 was not a sad year #it was pretty transformative #vent

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caitsmith08-blog · 1 year

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Today is hard, like most days I dwell on my past and try to make sense of it and what lesson I can take from it in moving forward. My sister, who recently lost a son, her baby, my nephew, tends to write meaningful words with every picture or video she posts of him. So much you can feel it, her pain, the love she had for him, the grief she is dealing with, and the regret mixed in with grieving she goes through every single day. My nephew unfortunately pass of an overdose, something that’s taking young lives away all too soon and common now.

I had just recently lost a friend two months before my nephews tragedy, due to the same circumstances. And, like my sister, I weigh a lot of that blame on myself. I carry it with me daily, running through several scenarios of how if I had just once more chance how I would’ve done things different. And how I would’ve easily had taken his place if given the chance. I replay it simultaneously everyday at least once if not several times throughout the day. When I hear a motorcycle, the sound of someone saying his name, songs we listened too in high school, nice days, gloomy days, you name it - I’ve had a reflection thought. But one quote my sister said, that stuck out to me was, “it’s hard to forgive other people, it’s nearly impossible to forgive yourself.” And man, is she right, she blames herself for not knowing the struggles of his addiction and why someone would chose to become an addict.

The reality is no one chooses this life, it’s a temporary escape from real world problems and thoughts. It hinders that little voice most of us have in our heads of how things should be; It’s masking the fact you don’t feel good enough, or you’ll never find love, you won’t be as successful as your peers or members of your family, you’ll never graduate from college, or in my case “you’ll wind up just like your mother”, which cuts like a hot blade through a stick of butter, because as much as I don’t want to be like her - I am. But not because she’s an avid alcoholic for which I carry traits of, but she had so much self love she never really learned how to love anyone else properly, almost as if she was too selfish, for her husband, for her kids, for her siblings, and even some friends along the way….. but that’s a whole other story.

The thing with addiction is the majority of us addicts use it as a crutch…. All the while usually digging us in a deeper hole of who we want to be and making it even harder to get out of and accomplish. Everything isn’t meant for everyone. And I say that lightly. I don’t believe there “is someone for everyone”, I think some people don’t deserve love bc of how they abuse it. I don’t think everyone’s meant to be as intelligent as the guy that cured cancer, or as strong as the guy with a full ride to OSU, or as hardworking as the single mom attending 14 credit hours and a job to survive. I think we all have our own little story here then that’s it, I’ve personally gotten blessed with the fact I found people to have loved me, no whether they love me for me or the front I put on most days I don’t think I would want to know. I’ve said with a smile on my face if the higher power takes me out right now I’ve lived a relatively decent life, I’ve traveled, I’ve tried new things, I partied, the lord knows I ate, and I laughed…. Man I miss really laughing. You see when you carry a burden like mine, it’s so much harder to laugh. You feel guilty for it, like “he’s not here to laugh, why are you having such a good time” and I catch myself purposely making sure I feel miserable. I am the queen of self sabotage. I’m the “if it sounds too good to be true, it’s probably is” glass half empty kind of gal. And since the passing of my good friend I have found sobriety is most areas, except alcohol. I cannot seem to let up on alcohol for the life of me. Bc it does, give me that “I’m normal” sense of feeling, it does ease me into a sleep for that which I cannot get when I am stone cold sober, it helps me talk about things I normally bury beneath my deepest darkest secrets, and yet it is still hell on two wheels. If I don’t get my way, if someone side eyes me, if I take what someone said personal, it takes me into a low state of depression and anxiety than what I began with. Now I’m contemplating suicide and telling myself no one would care or the world would be better off…. So how do I control this monster? How do I find forgiveness within myself? Will I ever have the chance at a normal life again? Will I allow someone to love me without thinking it’s temporary bc how can someone like me ever truly be loved? Hug your loved ones a little tighter today, tomorrow is surly never promised.

#addict addiction grief loss hurt blame

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softredamancy · 2 years

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jan 4 2023

i don't know what it is. it can be the fact its a new year or this new strain of weed i am smoking. either way, I'm feeling every inch of the word inspired. inspired to change, inspired to grow, inspired to work hard towards something simply because i deserve it. on that note, though, during a period of self-reflection, i realize that i am extremely selfish. in the guise of self-care, i am a bad friend and family member. it sucks to come to this conclusion, but its an important one. i deserve a better life than the one i am carving out for myself. not a life of self wallow and insecurity. i want to get out more. not all at once bc i will for sure become overwhelmed. but slowly and surely. i want to lose weight for my health. i want to incorporate more self-care tactics in my everyday routine. i want to become better at makeup. i want to read more. i want to succeed. i want to become the visionary everyone else sees in me.

its okay to get discouraged. its okay to have days of self-wallow. it's just up to me to try and work through it. i don't want to be in the shadows anymore, slowly chipping away at the seams. u got this future maleeyah i really do believe in you.

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tarobytez · 3 years

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disability in the Six Of Crows Duology; an analysis of Kaz Brekker, Wylan Van Eck, and the fandom’s treatment of them.

****Note: I originally wrote this for a tiktok series, which im still going to do, but i wanted to post here as well bc tumblr is major contributor to what im going to talk about

CW: ableism, filicide, abuse

In the Six of Crows duology, Leigh Bardugo delicately subverts and melds harmful disability tropes into her narrative, unpacking them in a way that I, as a disabled person, found immensely refreshing and…. just brilliant.

But what did you all do with that? Well, you fucked it up. Instead of critically looking at the characters, y’all just chose to be ableist.

For the next few videos paragraphs im going to unpack disability theory (largely the stuff surrounding media, for obvious reasons) and how it relates to Six Of Crows and the characterization of Kaz Brekker and Wylan Van Eck, then how, despite their brilliant writing, y’all completely overlooked the actual text and continuously revert them to ableist cariactures.

Disclaimer: 1. Shocker - i am disabled. I have also extensively researched disability theory and am very active in the disabled community. Basically, I know my shit. 2. im going to be mad in these videos this analysis. Because the way y’all have been acting has been going on for a long ass time and im fuckin sick of it. I don’t give a shit about non-disabled feelings, die mad

Firstly, I’m going to discuss Kaz, his play on the stereotypical “mean cripple” trope and how Bardugo subverts it, his cane, and disabled rage. Then, I am going to discuss Wylan, the “inspiration porn” stereotype, caregivers / parents, and the social model of disability. Finally, I will then explain the problems in the fandom from my perspective as a disabled person, largely when it comes to wylan, bc yall cant leave that boy tf alone.

Kaz Brekker

Think of a character who uses a cane (obviously not Kaz). Now, are they evil, dubiously moral, or just an asshole in general? Because nearly example I can think of is: whether it be Lots’O from Toy Story, Lucius Malfoy, or even Scrooge and Mr.Gold from Once Upon A Time all have canes (the last two even having their canes appear less and less as they become better people)

The mean/evil cripple trope is far more common than you would think. Villains with different bodies are confined to the role of “evil”. To quote TV Tropes, who I think did a brilliant job on explaining it “The first is rooted in eugenics-based ideas linking disability or other physical deformities with a "natural" predisposition towards madness, criminality, vice, etc. The Rule of Symbolism is often at work here, since a "crippled" body can be used to represent a "crippled" soul — and indeed, a disabled villain is usually put in contrast to a morally upright and physically "perfect" hero. Whether consciously on the part of the writer or not, this can reinforce cultural ideas of disability making a person inherently inferior or negative, much in the same way the Sissy Villain or Depraved Homosexual trope associate sexual and gender nonconformity with evil. ”

Our introduction to Kaz affirms this notion of him being bad or morally bankrupt, with “Kaz Brekker didn’t need a reason”, etc. This mythologized version of himself, the “bastard of the barrel” actively fed into this misconception. But, as we the audience are privy to his inner thoughts, know that he is just a teenager like every other Crow. He is complex, his disability isn’t this tragic backstory, he just fell off a roof. It’s not his main motivation, nor does he curse revenge for making him a cripple - it is just another part of who he is.

His cane (though the shows version fills me with rage but-) is an extension of Kaz - he fights with it, but it has a purpose. Another common thing in media is for canes to be simply accessories, but while Kaz’ cane is fashionable, it has purpose.

The quote “There was no part of him that was not broken, that had not healed wrong and there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken.” is so fucking powerful. Kaz does not want nor need a cure - its said in Crooked Kingdom that his leg could most likely be healed, but he chooses not to. Abled-bodied people tend to dismiss this thought as Kaz being stubborn but it shows a reality of acceptance of his disability that is just, so refreshing.

In chapter 22 of SOC, we see disabled rage done right - when he is called a cripple by the Fjerdan inmate, Kaz is pissed - the important detail being that he is pissed at the Fjerdan, at society for ableism, not blaming it on being disabled or wishing he could be normal. He takes action, dislocating the asshole’s shoulder and proving to him, and to a lesser extent, himself, that he is just as capable as anyone else, not in spite of, but because he is disabled. And that is the point of Kaz, harking back to the line that “there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken”.

I cried on numerous occasions while reading the SOC duology, but the parts I highlighted in this section especially so. I, as many other disabled people do, have had a long and tumultuous relationship with our disability/es, and for many still struggle. But Kaz Brekker gave me an empowered disabled character who accepts themselves, and that means the world to me.

Keeping that in mind, I hope you can understand why it hurts so much to disabled people when you either erase Kaz’s disability (whether through cosplay or fanfiction), or portray him as a “broken boy uwu”, especially implying that he would want a cure. That flies in the face of canon and is inherently fucking ableist. (if u think im mad wait until the next section)

Next, we have Wylan.

Oh fucking boy.

I love Wylan so fucking much, and y’all just do not seem to understand his character? Like at all? Since this is disability-centric, I’m not going to discuss how the intersection of his queerness also contributes to these issues, but trust me when I say it’s a contributing factor to what i'm going to say.

Wylan, motherfucking Van Eck. If you ableist pricks don’t take ur fucking hands off him right now im going to fight you. I see Wylan as a subversion another, and in my opinion more insidious stereotype pf disabled people - inspiration porn.

Cara Liebowitz in a 2015 article on the blog The Body Is Not An Apology explains in greater detail how inspiration porn is impactful in real life, but media is a major contributing factor to this reality. The technical definition is “the portrayal of people with disabilities as inspirational solely or in part on the basis of their disability” - but that does not cover it fully.

Inspiration porn does lasting damage on the disabled community as it implies that disability is a negative that you need to “overcome” or “triumph” instead of something one can feel proud of. It exploits disabled people for the development of non-disabled people, and in media often the white male protagonist. Framing disability as inherently negative perpetuates ideals of eugenics and cures - see Autism $peaks’ “I Am Autism” ad. Inspiration porn is also incredibly patronizing as it implies that we cannot take care of ourselves, or do things like non-disabled people do. Because i stg some of you tend to think that we just sit around all day wishing we weren’t disabled.

Another important theory ideal that is necessary when thinking about Wylan is the experience of feeling like a burden simply for needing help or accommodations. This is especially true when it comes to familial relationships, and internalized ableism.

The rhetoric that Wylan’s father drilled into his head, that he is “defective”, “a mistake”, and “needs to be corrected”, that he (Jan) was “cursed with a moron for a child” is a long held belief that disabled people hear relentlessly. And while many see Van Eck’s attempted murder of Wylan as “preposturous” and overall something that you would never think happens today - filicide (a parent murdering their child) is more common than you would like to believe. Without even mentioning the countless and often unreported deaths of disabled people due to lack of / insufficient / neglectful medical care, in a study on children who died from the result of household abuse, 40 of 42 of them (95%) were diagnosed with disabilities. Van Eck is not some caricature of ableist ideals - he is a real reflection on how many people and family members view disability.

Circling back to how Wylan unpacks the inspiration porn trope - he is 3 dimensional, he is not only used to develop the other characters, he is just *chefs kiss* Leigh, imo, put so much love and care into the creation of Wylan and his story and character growth that is representative of a larger feeling in the disabled community.

That being said, what you non-disabled motherfuckers have done to him.

The “haha Wylan can’t read” jokes aren’t and were not funny. Y’all literally boiled down everything Wylan is to him being dyslexic. And it’s like,,,, the only thing you can say about him. You ignore every other part of him other than his disability, and then mock him for it. There’s so much you can say about Wylan - simping for Jesper, being band kid and playing the fuckin flute, literally anything else. But no, you just chose to mock his disability, excellent fucking job!

Next up on “ableds stfu” - infantilization! y’all are so fucking condescending to Wylan, and treat him like a fucking toddler. And while partly it is due to his sexuality i think a larger portion is him being disabled. Its in the same vein of people who think that Wylan and Jesper are romantically one sided, and that Jesper only kind of liked Wylan, despite the canon evidence of him loving Wylan just as much. You all view him as a “smol bean”, who needs protecting, and care, when Wylan is the opposite of that. He is a fucking demolitions expert who suggested waking up sleeping men to kill them - what about that says “uwu”. You are treating Wylan as a burden to Jesper and the other Crows when he is an immensely valuable, fully autonomous disabled person - you all just view him as damaged.

And before I get a comment saying that “uhhh Wylan isn’t real why do you care” while Wylan may not be real, how you all view him and treat him has real fucking impacts and informs how you treat people like me. If someone called me an “uwu baby boy” they’d get a fist square in the fucking jaw. Fiction informs how we perceive the world and y’all are making it super fucking clear how you see disabled people.

Finally, I wanted to talk about how the social model of disability is portrayed through Wylan. For those who are unaware, the social model of disability contrasts the medical model, that views the disability itself as the problem, that needs to be cured, whereas the social model essentially boils down to creating an accommodating society, where disability acceptance and pride is the goal. And we see this with Wylan - he is able to manage his father’s estate, with Jesper’s assistance to help him read documents. And this is not out of pity or charity, but an act of love. It is not portrayed as this almighty act for Jesper to play saviour, just a given, which is incredibly important to show, especially for someone who has been abused by family for his disability like Wylan, that he is accepted.

Yet, I still see people hold up Jesper on a pedestal for “putting up with” Wylan, as if loving a disabled person deserves a fucking pat on the back. It’s genuinely exhausting trying to engage with a work I love so much with a fandom that thinks so little of me and my community. It fucking shows.

Overall, Leigh Bardugo as a disabled person wrote two incredibly meticulous and empowered disabled characters, and due to either lack of reading comprehension, ableism, or a quirky mix of both, the fandom has ignored canon and the experiences of disabled people for…. shits and giggles i guess. And yes, there are issues with the Grishaverse and disability representation - while I haven’t finished them yet so I do not have an opinion on it, people have been discussing issues in the KOS duology with ableist ideals. This mini series was no way indicative of the entire disabled experience, nor does it represent my entire view on the representation as a whole. These things need to be met critically in our community, and talked about with disabled voices at the forefront. For example, the limited perspective we get of Wylan and Kaz being both white men, does not account for a large portion of the disabled community and the intersection of multiple identities.

All-in-all, Critique media, but do not forget to also critique fandom spaces. Alternatively, just shut the fuck up :)

happy fucking disability pride month, ig

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nevermindirah · 3 years

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Do you have any thoughts on the use of AAVE for Nile (or lack thereof) in TOG fanfiction? I've been reading some Book of Nile fic and some writers seem to write her as a Millennial™ (using words like "fave" and "woke") but never acknowledge her Blackness in her patterns of speech. I know we don't see her use as much AAVE in the films, but I would argue she's in situations where code-switching would be valued (first in a "professional" environment in the army, then around a group of non-Black strangers).

Hi anon! I have many thoughts on this and I'm honored you asked me! But I should start by saying I'm white and any thoughts Black fans and especially Black American fans have on this that they want to share would be beyond lovely. (I'm not gonna tag anybody bc that feels rude but please add onto this post if any of y'all see this and want to!)

The main reason I personally avoid AAVE for Nile in my own fics is because I'm not Black. But Nile-centric fics by Black writers tend to avoid using much of it too, at least from what I've noticed/understood, and my guess is it's largely for the reason you mention, that she's in situations that encourage code-switching.

In movie canon Nile is highly competent at tailoring her language to each situation she finds herself in. This fantastic linguistics analysis meta shows how skillfully Nile chooses her vocabulary and grammar to meet her goals with different conversation partners in different contexts. In comics canon Nile had a bunch of different civilian jobs before joining the Marines, so she would've had experience code-switching in the ways that made sense for all those different contexts as well as the Marines and her family and high school and wherever else she spent her time before we met her. And now she's spending her time with a handful of immortals none of whom are native English speakers and a fellow Black American but one with a Queen's English UK accent whose professional experience is in the CIA where high-status code-switching is often an absolute must for success or even survival.

Fics featuring Nile are charged with extrapolating from that to how it might show up in her use of language that she's coping with a traumatic separation from her family and her career and pretty much everything she's ever known and now she needs to be able to make herself understood to people who seem to care about her and each other but are super duper in crisis, three (soon to be four) of whom predate Modern English entirely and the only one who's anywhere near her contemporary she's not supposed to talk to for a century. All of these people are telling her that pretty much any contact with any mortals poses an existential threat to her and the rest of the group. How the FUCK is she supposed to cope with that, like, generally? And would it be a more effective way for her to cope if she talked to Andy Joe and Nicky using the speech patterns that she used to use with her mom and brother, to at least retain that part of her identity even if it means having to do a lot of explaining, or would it meet her needs better to prioritize Andy Joe and Nicky understanding what she means with her words over using the particular words and grammar forms she used with her family?

I've seen several fics, both Nile-centric / BoN and otherwise, explore this a little bit in how/whether Nile uses Millennial™ speak. It's often a theme in Nile texting Booker despite the exile because of the popular headcanon that he as The Tech Guy is the only other immortal who understands memes. But Nile's much-younger-than-Booker mom probably uses Boomer and/or Gen X memes and Andy has been adapting to new communication styles for forever as evidenced by her canon high level of fluency with standard-American-accented English.

Which brings us back to people avoiding AAVE because they're not Black and they don't want to make mistakes (or they're not Black and they don't want to get yelled at for making mistakes, though I think many people overestimate how much they'll get yelled at while underestimating how much these mistakes can hurt). I can imagine some Black fans hold back from using much AAVE in fic because they don't want to share in-group stuff with white people who are likely to then adopt and ruin it, as white people so often do with Black cultural stuff. Some links about this including a great Khadija Mbowe video. I'm saying this gently, anon, because you might not know: woke, an example you cited as Millennial™ speak, is AAVE, and that's gotten erased by so many white people appropriating it and using it incorrectly online.

And also there's the part where fandom is a hobby and you never know when you're reading a fic that's the very first thing someone's ever written outside of a school assignment. This cultural considerations of language shit takes a level of effort and skill that not everybody puts into every fic, or even could if they wanted to because they haven't had time to build their skills yet. It's definitely easier for non-Black fans to project our millennial feels onto Nile than to do the layers of research and self-reflection it requires to depict what Blackness might mean to Nile, and it's not surprising that often people sharing their hobby creations on the internet have gone the easier route. There's not even necessarily shame in doing what's easier. It's just frustrating and often hurtful when structural white supremacy means that 3-dimensional Black characters are rare in media and thoughtful explorations of them in fandom are seen by the majority of fans as not-easy to make and therefore Nile Freeman, the main character in The Old Guard (2020) dir. Gina Prince-Bythewood, has the least fic and meta and art made about her of our 5 main immortals.

I've been active in different fandoms off and on for twenty years and I barely managed to write 5,000 words about Sam Wilson across multiple different fics in the 7 years since I fell in love with him. There's an alchemy to which characters we connect with, and on top of that which characters we connect with in a way that causes us to create stuff about them. Something about Nile Freeman finally tipped me over the edge from a voracious reader to a voracious writer. It's not for me to judge which characters speak to other individuals to the level of creating content about them, but I do think it's important for us to notice, and then work to fight, the pattern where across this fandom as a whole Nile gets way less content, and way less depth in so much of the content that's in theory about her, than any of these other characters.

Anyway, back to language. My two long fics feature Nile with several Black friends — Copley and OCs and cameos from other media — but all of those characters except Alec Hardison from Leverage aren't American. It's very possible I'm guilty of stereotyping Black British speech patterns in I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore. I watched hours and hours of Black haircare YouTube videos in the research for that fic and I modeled my OCs' speech patterns on what I heard from some of those YouTubers as well as what I've heard people like John Boyega and Idris Elba saying in interviews, but the thing about doing your best is you still might fuck up.

I'm slowly making progress on my WIP where Nile and Sam Wilson are cousins, and what ways of talking with a family member might be authentic for Nile is a major question I need to figure out. For that, I'm largely modeling my writing choices on how I hear my Black friends and colleagues talking to each other. I haven't overheard colleagues talking in an office in a long-ass time, but back when that was a thing, I remember seeing a ton of nuance in the different ways many of my Black colleagues would talk to each other. Different people have different personalities! And backgrounds! And priorities! A few jobs ago my department was about 1/3 Black and we worked closely with Obama administration staff many of whom were Black and there was SO MUCH VARIETY in how Black people talked to each other, about work and workplace-appropriate personal stuff, where I and other white coworkers could hear. There are a few work friends in particular who I have in my head when I'm trying to imagine how Sam and Nile might talk to each other. From the outside looking in, God DAMN is shit complicated, intellectually and interpersonally and spiritually, for Black people who are devoting their professional lives to public service in the United States.

One more aspect of this that I have big thoughts on but I need to take extra care in talking about is the idea of acknowledging Nile's Blackness in her patterns of speech. There's no one right way to be Black, and Nile's a fictional character created by a white dude but there are plenty of real-life Black Americans who don't use much or even any AAVE, for reasons that are complicated because of white supremacy. (Highly highly recommend this video by Shanspeare on the harms of the Oreo stereotype.)

Something that's not the same but has enough similarity that I think it's worth talking about is my personal experience with authenticity and American Jewish speech patterns. My Jewish family members don't talk like they're in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and I've known lots of people who do talk that way (or the millennial version of it), some of whom have questioned my Jewishness because I don't talk that way. That hurts me. Sometimes when another Jew tells me some shit like "I've never heard a Jew say y'all'd've," I can respond with "well now you have asshole, bless your Yankee-ass heart," because the myth of Dixie is a racist lie but I will totally call white Northerners Yankees when they're being shitty to me for being Southern, and this particular Jew fucking revels in using "bless your heart" with maximum polite aggression, especially with said Yankees. But sometimes I don't have it in me to say anything and it just quietly hurts having an important part of me disbelieved by someone who shares that important part of me. The sting isn't quite the same when non-Jews disbelieve or discount my Jewishness, but that hurts too.

Who counts as authentically Jewish is a messy in-group conversation and it doesn't really make sense to explain it all here. Who counts as authentically Jewish is a matter of legal status for immigration, citizenship, and civil rights in Israel, and it's my number 2 reason after horrific treatment of Palestinians that I'm antizionist. But outside that extremely high-stakes legal situation, it can just feel really shitty to not be recognized as One Of Us, especially by your own people.

It can also feel really shitty to be The Only One of Your Kind in a group, even if that group is an immortal chosen family who all loves each other dearly. Sometimes especially in a situation like that where you know those people love you but there are certain things they don't get about you and will never quite be able to. I'm definitely projecting at least a little bit of my "lonely Jew who will be alone again for yet another Jewish holiday" stuff onto Nile when at the end of I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore she's thinking about being the only Black immortal and moving away from the community she'd built with a mostly-Black group of mortals in that fic. Maybe that tracks, or maybe that's fucked up of me.

Basically, this got very long but it's complicated, writing about experiences that aren't your own takes skill which in turn takes time and practice to build, writing about experiences not your own that our society maligns can cause a lot of harm if done badly, it can also cause a lot of harm when a large enough portion of a fandom just decides to nope out of something that's difficult and risky because then there's just not much content about a character who deserves just a shit ton of loving and nuanced content, people are individuals and two people who come from the exact same cultural context might show that influence in all kinds of different ways, identity is complicated, language is complicated, writing is hard, and empathy and humility and doing our best aren't a guarantee of avoiding harm but they do go a long way in helping people create thoughtful content about a character as awesome and powerful and kind and messy and scared and curious and WORTHY as Nile Freeman.

#nile freeman #linguistics #TOG POC Love Fest #nileweek2021 #tog meta #tog #long post #mine #antiblackness #jewish things #hi i'm an antizionist jew no i don't really want to talk about it

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