#bc it Was big on me she’s not wrong it just feels weird to order smaller? i’m just. not used to doing that ig lol

[ilostyou]

.

[whore-era]

1-800-GIRLS

☁︎ modern!ellie x sex-hotline-operator!reader, very small mention of dealer!ellie ☁︎ summary: where ellie dials the wrong number and meets you instead. ☁︎ warnings: contains smut! 18+ only. top/dom!ellie, bottom/sub!reader, mentions spitplay/breathplay/overstimulation, mentions sexual interactions with men, dirty talking, guided masturbation (r!recieving), use of fem nicknames (babygirl, sweet girl, pretty girl, pup, puppy) let me know if i missed anything else pls. ☁︎ a/n: i feel like this kinda sucked bc towards the end i kinda rushed it, but i couldn't shake this idea n knew i had to write it. hope u like it bbs<3 also thank u to my bestie @elskittie for helping me figure some things out w this fic ☁︎ word count: 4,463 ☁︎ 1-800-GIRLS part 2

phone call style story — reader is in italics, ellie is in bold.

monday, 12:45am → incoming call from 307-222-4578 (jackson, WY)

thank you for calling 1-800-GIRLS, it's sugar speaking. how can i help you, hot stuff?

uhh.. i just wanted to order a pepperoni pizza..

oh yeah? you want something hot and ready? i have something hot and ready for you.

ummm..

you hear some shuffling in the background, "jess! i think you gave me the wrong number!" the person comes back on the line again.

this isn't papa tony's cheesy pizza place?

....do you want me to roleplay as papa tony's cheesy pizza place?

woah woah woah! roleplay?? who the fuck am i on the phone with?

this is sugar from 1-800-GIRLS.....a sex hotline...for you know? phone sex.

PHONE SEX?? you hear the girl's voice yell in the background, "jesse! you ass! you gave me the number to a phone sex hotline!"

"does she sound hot?"

"well yeah, but—"

hey, you do know it's $1 a minute right? you've been on the line for almost 5 minutes, babe.

HUHH?? hell no..ok thanks sugar bear, or whatever. bye!

the line clicks off, and you shrug. sitting back in your bed to continue watching your favorite netflix show. you feel your work phone vibrate again, the name flashing 'bobby', a regular who frequents the hotline.

sighing and picking up your phone and holding it to your ear, you take a bite from your sandwich as you answer your 15th call this evening, "thank you for calling 1-800-GIRLS, it's sugar speaking. how can i help you, big boy?"

tuesday, 2:12am → incoming call from 307-222-4578 (jackson, WY)

thank you for calling 1-800-GIRLS, it's sugar speaking. how can i help you tonight, cutie?

hey....sugar.. i just- er- wanted to apologize for yesterday. my buddy got your number confused with a pizza place we really wanted to try. didn't mean to sound rude last night.

it's no issue, babe. don't sweat about it.

.......

.......

soooo.... is that the only reason why you called?

ellie didn't want to admit that she was attracted to 'sugar's' voice and that she'd been thinking about it all day during class. but also, ellie was high as a fucking kite, which gave her the courage to even dial the number again anyways.

i— uh— well— how does this whole thing work?

what thing? the hotline?

yeah..

well, you call me, we have phone sex or talk or whatever, and then you hang up. again, it's a dollar a minute.

okay, okay, i get it. so we can just talk? about anything?

yeah, if you want to.

sick.

ellie takes another drag from her joint, before speaking again.

so, do you like doing this? being an operator or whatever?

you let out a laugh, which ellie caught.

specify what you mean by 'like'?

i mean— this is your job. do you enjoy doing it?

ehh...i guess.

c'mon. you can be honest with me.

well, being a sex hotline operator has it's downsides. obviously helping old men jack off gets a little weird sometimes — they have some unusual fetishes.

oh yeah? what's been the weirdest one so far?

uhhh..i have this one regular who has me pretend i'm a ghost. apparently, having sex with ghosts is a real turn on for him.

what the fuck. seriously?

mhm, it's true.

shit, dude....i don't think i could ever do what you do. i dunno how you can do it.

well when you have college tuition and rent to worry about, the downsides don't seem all that bad.

holy shit, you're in college? how old are you anyways?

19.

that's crazy. we're around the same age. i figured you were a bit older.

how 'bout you? how old are you?

21.

not bad not bad. you're way different from the clients i usually get.

yeah? how?

considering my usual clients are 40 to 60 year old men who are married with kids and have secret fetishes, i'd say you're out of my ballpark.

ellie laughs.

how do you know i'm not secretly an old, 57 year old man who's married to my wife janet with three kids? and i have a balloon fetish?

you let out a giggle, adjusting your sleep shorts as you lay back down on your bed, completely invested in your conversation with this girl.

well, how can i appease your balloon fantasies?

i'm just fuckin' with ya. definitely not a man and i have the more normal kinks and fetishes.

is that so? what are the 'normal' kinks and fetishes?

uhhhh....well i'm into bondage, i love tying girls up..i dunno, just seeing them open and vulnerable does something to me. i'm into breathplay, spitplay, overstimulation, and i'm definitely a dominant so—

all you could do was gape as the girl went on her tangent, listing off every kink she could think of. you gulped, suddenly getting a bit nervous from this topic of conversation. you were experienced in the field of phone sex, but actual sex was a totally different world you had no practice in.

so, how 'bout you sugar?

...uhhh....i'm a virgin actually.

the other girl went silent on the other side of the line.

what? but you work as a sex hotline operator.

oh yeah- but— hold on, i'm getting another call. i'll speak to you some other time.

you hung up and threw your work phone across your bed, laying your head down on your pillows. talking to men was so much easier for you, so why do you get all caught up when you talk to a girl?

it was nearly 3:30am, so you decided to turn in and call it a night, mentally preparing yourself for a busy day tomorrow.

wednesday, 11:45am

sitting next to professor adams, patiently waiting for the students to turn in their quizzes, you try to focus on the text of your 'philosophy 101' book.

you were grateful that professor adams gave you the opportunity to be his teacher's assistant for a little bit of extra cash, and you weren't complaining either. the tasks he gave you were easy for a mere $16 an hour. still, it wasn't enough to support all of your bills, so you couldn't drop the hotline gig.

"and time! everyone hand your quizzes in to my TA, regardless if you finished or not," professor announced. all the students shuffled towards the front, handing you their quizzes as you neatly put them in a small pile.

"ah shit— let me put the date on that," a girl, with a very familiar voice spoke. looking up, you're greeted with the most attractive girl you've seen in your life. she had brunette hair and green eyes, with a small scar on her right brow. was this..? no, it couldn't be. that would be insane.

handing you the paper, her hand brushes against yours. you look down at her quiz, seeing in messy, scribbled black ink the name ellie williams.

slinging her backpack on one arm, she heads out the door, "jesse! wait up for me!"

leaving you in a daze, you were completely speechless by the idea that one of your new, favorite clients from your nighttime job is actually a student at your university.

saturday, 1:45am → 1:14:34 ongoing call with 401-890-6798 (cranston, RI)

thanks, sugar. will be calling you again at the same time next week.

no problem, sir. goodnight. dream of me.

sure will, babygirl.

the line clicks as the older man hangs up, and you shudder a bit, feeling uncomfortable after having to roleplay as a ghost, again.

sighing heavily, you place your work phone on your desk and pick up your real phone, opening instagram and scrolling on your feed as you mindlessly snack on some gummy bears.

you double tap to like some of your friends pictures, wishing you were out at a party, drinking some lukewarm beer and dancing with your girls to the latest tiktok hits.

but instead you were cooped up in your apartment, dirty talking old men through their fantasies and bearing witness to their guttural groans and masturbation. it was a shame that friday and saturday nights were your busiest evenings.

taking your bottom lip between your teeth, you ponder for a moment, your finger hovering over the instagram search bar.

fuck it, you thought, typing 'ellie williams' and hitting search.

the username @_elliewilliams pops up, and bingo. it was the same girl from professor adams class.

luckily her profile was public, so you take your time carefully combing through her instagram account, mindful not to accidentally like her posts or anything.

ellie's feed consisted of smoking weed, eating out, and hanging with her friends, jesse and dina. there were only two selfies she had posted — one of her and an older gentleman and one mirror picture of her in a grey hoodie and a light brown canvas jacket that made her look so good.

the ringing from your work phone caught you off guard, causing you to jump in your chair and exit out of the instagram app. you take a look at the number, and speak of the devil, it was ellie herself. she was the only jackson number that ever contacted you.

saturday, 2:10am → incoming call from 307-222-4578 (jackson, WY)

thank you for calling 1-800-GIRLS, sugar speaking. what can i do for you, handsome?

hey, sugar. just wanted to apologize for how our last conversation went. i probably pushed a boundary or something— i'm not sure if you're supposed to talk about personal things with customers— so, i'm sorry.

you let out a soft laugh.

why is it when you call me, you're always apologizing?

'cause i'm a fuck up, that's why.

nooo, that's not true. besides, don't worry about it. your question just caught me off guard, you know? never had clients ask things about me before i guess.

ahh, gotcha. so...were you busy before i called?

you shake your head, even though she was on the phone and couldn't see you.

uh, not really. my line doesn't usually get busy until...12 midnight ish.. it slows down by like 2 am though. how about you? what are you up to this friday night?

i just got back home from a party. business was slow and it was getting boring, so i dipped.

business? what business?

ah— well—

ellie silently cursed to herself, not wanting to scare you away with her current occupation.

if i tell you what i do, promise you won't get freaked out or anything?

you're talking to a phone sex hotline operator. don't worry.

you can hear her laugh from the other end.

well, fuck it, cat's out of the bag. i deal weed on campus and shit.

ahhh. i like that. is that how you can afford the minutes you spend calling me?

yup. i can stay on the phone for hours if we wanted.

maybe you'll be my only customer.

i wouldn't complain.

speaking of customers, do you want me to save your number under a specific name or nickname or anything? since i'm assuming you're gonna be a regular?

trying to confirm if it was indeed ellie you were speaking with, you sat on the edge of your chair, anxiety building in your belly.

what nicknames do your clients usually pick?

uhhh. master, sir, king, mister, alpha— umm and daddy.

something stirred inside ellie hearing that last nickname roll off your tongue.

you could just put me down as ellie.

got it.

what do i call you? do i just keep calling you sugar?

well, you're a customer. you can call me anything you like, but, for formalities and privacy, i can only tell you my hotline nickname — sugar.

okay, okay, that makes sense. you're not really allowed to have any personal or close relationships with clients, huh?

no, not really. mostly for safety purposes.

ellie was a little disappointed to know that she wouldn't be able to get to know the girl she was talking to beyond calling on the phone. she already felt herself getting attached. your voice was alluring and enticing, and she couldn't help but want to hear it more, and possibly put a name and face to who it belonged to.

but, i could bend the rules a little if i really wanted to.

yeah? let's see about that.

saturday, 4:45 am → 2:43:03 ongoing call with ellie (jackson, WY)

oh my god! did you and your ex get caught??

you were enamored with ellie. the way she could keep a conversation going and the stories she told — you didn't wanna hang up.

no, no, no, luckily we hid behind a dumpsters before the cops could catch us. it's hilarious thinking about it now, but we were dumbass 18-year-olds back then.

you both were in fits of laughter, your belly aching and tears watering in the corners of your eye.

as you calmed down, you couldn't stop your mouth from asking a question that's been racking on your mind.

so, how long were you and your ex together?

uhhhh, about 2 years.

ohhh okay........are you seeing anyone right now?

ellie lets out a laugh, and you can hear her smile, even through the phone.

why? who's asking?

well, i was just— uhh—

i'm just fuckin' with you. nah, i'm not seein' anyone right now. single af.

okay, okay. good to know.

how 'bout you?

nope. i'm single too.

seriously?? how?

i dunno. just never found the right person i guess. also, working for this hotline has made me lose hope for relationships in general, some of these dudes call me and say all this stuff — while having a whole wife and family at home.

i think you're looking in the wrong place then. try talking to people at school or going out to parties—

can't. if i'm not doing homework or studying, i'm working and doing this. i gotta make a living somehow.

ellie couldn't help but feel bad, knowing if she could, she'd support you full time and take that weight off your shoulders.

hmm, maybe you'll meet someone who could support you and take care of your bills and stuff.

oh? where would i find that? sounds too good to be true.

maybe they're closer to you than you think.

your breath hitched in your throat, unsure of what to say next.

i— uh— i have to go. it's 5am.

oh— uh— yeah. of course. goodnight, sugar.

goodnight, ellie.

sunday, 11:37pm → incoming call from ellie (jackson, WY)

hey.

hey. where's your usual greeting?

you're not a usual customer, so i think we're past that now, ellie.

ellie's heart thumped in her chest hearing you say her name.

good. anyways, what are you up to tonight?

just studying for a quiz tomorrow morning. how about you?

smoking, just finished some homework.

what class was it for?

uhhh, just this calculus class.

you clamped your mouth shut, suppressing a gasp. it was for professor adams class.

....uhhh, i could never get calculus. it's so hard.

yeah? maybe one night i can tutor you.

i'd be a terrible student.

i think you'd be the perfect student. i can teach you, i got you.

you couldn't help but think there was another meaning behind her words, but you didn't want to jump to any conclusions. it would be embarrassing if you got her message all wrong.

what's your quiz on anyways?

energy transfer between cells, it's for biology.

i know a thing or two about that. here— why don't we do this, just explain to me what you know and we'll go from there.

okay, i can do that.

you and ellie spent the next two and a half hours talking about cell function and energy transfer and everything else in between, with her correcting you and adding in important things you missed.

alright, sugar, i think you're ready for this quiz tomorrow.

you think so?

i know so. you're such a smart girl.

there she goes again, praising you.

uh, th-thanks.

don't worry, okay? i know you'll do great.

a smile curls on your lips, flustered from all her support.

you should get some sleep, so you can be focused and ready for tomorrow.

m'kay. thank you, ellie, for all your help.

of course. always. goodnight, sugar.

goodnight, ellie.

monday, 5:32pm → 45:21 ongoing call with mister j (corpus christi, TX)

yeah, babe? you want me to fuck your tight ass?

mhm, yes mister.

c'mon. beg, sugar.

please. fuck my tight hole, mister j.

ah, hell.

you can hear his belt buckle clanging, and the soft buzz of a zipper.

what's wrong with 'ya tonight, sugar? you're bein' a real buzzkill, 'ya know that? fuckin' turnin' me off and makin' me soft.

i-i'm sorry, mister j. please, jus—

yea, yea, save it. we'll jus' try 'gain tomorrow.

the line clicks on the other end. tossing your work phone on your desk, you fall back on your bed and stuff your face in your pillow. weeping into the plush material, you let yourself fall apart and break down.

but your sobbing session is cut short as you can hear the familiar ring of your work phone.

wiping your tears, you walk over to your desk and answer.

monday, 5:45pm → 00:32 ongoing call with ellie (jackson, WY)

thanks for calling 1-800-GIRLS, it's suga-

woah, woah, woah are you crying?

e-ellie?

yeah, baby, it's me. sounds like you're crying. what's going on? talk to me.

today was just a really, really bad day and then i opened my hotline a little early and one of my first clients just lashed out on me because i wasn't responding the way he wanted me to and—

you sniffle.

— and i'm just really stressed out by everything going on in my life right now.

i'm sorry. i wish there was something i could do— someway i could comfort you or take the weight off.

i-it's fine, ellie. talking to you is making it a little better.

ellie was silent for a moment, thinking carefully and planning her next moves accordingly.

do you trust me?

....y-yea, of c-course. why?

i'm gonna help you ease the tension. okay?

okay.

first of all, where are you?

i-in my room, sitting at my desk.

okay. go lay down on your bed.

with your phone pressed to your ear, you pick up your legs and stride over to your bed, laying down on the fluffy, material of your blanket.

okay, i'm on my bed.

good. what are you wearing?

foreseeing the direction this phone call was heading in, apprehension builds in your stomach.

ellie, you really don't have to-

hey, i want to help you. if that's okay with you. if not, we could talk about something instead.

biting your lip, you fold.

i-i'm okay with it, but i-i've never— played with myself with a customer before. i don't really do anything with myself even when i'm not working anyways.

that's okay. don't think of me as a customer, think of me as a...teacher. i got you, remember?

okay.

good girl. now, what are you wearing?

uh.. a tank top and shorts.

cute. take them off.

gulping, you follow her orders, shimmying out of your top and shorts.

done?

mhm.

good. so obedient.

i want you to rub your boobs for me. rub your nipples, pull on them, just feel the skin under your hand for me, baby.

rubbing the soft skin along your breast, and tugging on your hardened nipples, you bite your lip, savoring the way your body feels under your touch.

how does it feel?

feels good.

bet it does.

ellie couldn't stop her mind from imagining you, on your bed, perfectly naked. and how she'd give everything up, just to sneak a peek.

now, i want you to just rub your hands against the sensitive parts of your body. be slow and gentle, we're not rushing anything.

as your hands drift from your neck, down to the hills of your breasts, and to the edge of your panties, ellie speaks through the line again.

doesn't it feel nice, baby?

mhm.

wish i could be there, to watch you, touching your pussy.

you instinctively clamp your thighs, feeling heat rush to your core.

alright, take your panties off. slowly.

you slowly peel the piece of material off, looking at the small, wet spot that formulated on your underwear.

okay, they're off.

such a good girl, following my every command.

you gulp, her nickname for you sending shivers up your spine.

slowly feel the skin on your legs. stroke your inner thighs, tease yourself a little.

hanging off on her every word, you let out a shaky breath, the heat in your cunt growing only bigger and bigger.

god, i wish i can be there to see this right now. bet you look so good, thighs spread apart, pussy all wet— all because of me.

i- i'm aching. i need more, ellie.

i know, baby, i know. i wish i can help you more. if it were up to me, i'd have you bent over your desk, taking you from the back. fuck.

your mind drifts to that image, of her fucking you, taking you as hers. a stream of your slick begins to leak out from your pussy. god, you wanted her so bad.

slide a finger between your pussy, baby. let me hear how wet you are.

spreading your thighs apart, the tip of your fingers slips in between the folds of your pussy lips, the slick sound of your wetness echoing throughout the room. loud enough for ellie to hear.

fuuuuuck.

i-

you tried to speak, but it comes out sounding like a pathetic whimper. ellie's brain was going insane, she couldn't believe where she had you, writhing from her mere words.

go ahead, pretty girl. rub slow circles on your clit.

the pads of your pointer and middle finger gently rub steady, figure 8's against your hardened nub. closing your eyes, you imagined ellie, and how it was her hand instead of yours. the thought had you panting, faint breaths releasing from your parted lips.

your pussy sounds so wet, holy shit. you sound so fucking good for me. so fucking perfect.

as your fingers continue massaging on your sopping, wet clit, a pool of wetness gathers right below your ass.

how does it feel, baby?

f-feels amazing, ellie.

you let out a low whimper.

i wish you were here.

me too, pup. me too.

you can hear her heavy breaths from the other end of the phone.

i wish i could be there, kissing your neck. trailing my lips down to suck on your nipples. fuuck, wanna taste every inch of your skin. i wanna feel your pussy tighten around my fingers.

you let out another pitiful moan, only to hear ellie curse under her breath again.

rub your pussy faster for me, angel. imagine it's me, pumping my fingers in and out. would daddy's pretty girl like that?

you couldn't respond. all you could let out was these weak whines, yearning for ellie and her touch. you added a third finger, building onto the pressure and picking up the speed.

your moans sound so pretty. wonder how'd they sound when you're taking my strap. gonna have you cry out my name, yeah? isn't that right?

mhm, yes, daddy.

good. that's what daddy likes to hear, such a polite girl.

with your eyes rolling back, you could feel your orgasm building.

i-i'm gonna— ellie, i—

you gonna cum for me, puppy? huh? c'mon, rub faster, baby. i know you have a little bit more left in you.

your fingers speed up, the sound of your wetness gushing out reverberated in ellie's ear.

oh my god, daddy can i? please? can i—

arching your back, you knew you were close. the feeling was getting to be too much and you were about to fall over the edge.

look at my baby, so respectful and asking permission. come on, pretty puppy. cum for daddy. let daddy hear how good she made you feel.

that was it. letting out a penetrating moan, you rode your orgasm out and finished all over your fingers, making a mess. you were heaving, chest rapidly rising and falling.

god, i made a mess.

oh, yeah? do one more thing for me. suck your fingers clean. puppies clean up their messes.

monday, 8:57pm → 3:01:32 ongoing call with ellie (jackson, WY)

after your little self-care session with ellie, she took it upon herself to get your mind off of today's events, filling your conversation with stories and interesting topics.

oh, forgot to ask, what'd you end up getting on that biology quiz?

ughhh, i got a 65 out of 100. one of the reasons why i was so upset today.

seriously? how?

i don't know! i asked professor gonzalez and she told me that i was focusing on the wrong thi-

wait, did you just say professor gonzalez? holy shit, you're taking biology 201 with professor g? do you fucking go to school at university of wyoming? in jackson?

oh shit, you didn't mean for that to slip out.

i— uh— i have to go—

wait! sugar! please. hear me out.

you stay silent, waiting for what she had to say.

if we really do go to the same campus, please, let's meet up. i really want to see you.

.....why?

i just— i love talking to you. spending hours with you on the phone is what i look forward to when i get home. besides, i really want to take you out, on a date.

you bit your lip, unsure of what to say.

listen, if you want to see me too, meet me at the library in building B, by the comic book section. okay? tomorrow at 1pm.

....

i really hope you come.

the line clicks off, and you spend the rest of the night restless, tossing and turning, debating whether or not to see her tomorrow.

tuesday, 2:50pm

ellie eagerly checked her phone again, bouncing her knee in distress. her mind was running rampant — fuck, she's not gonna come. maybe jesse was right. maybe i was wasting my time.

looking up for the 80th time, she scans the comic book section, seeing no one else but some dude with his face buried in a wonder woman comic.

as ellie gets up from her chair, she turns her head, and she freezes.

there you were, looking like an angel who entered from the garden of eden. ellie's heart sped up, seeing her girl standing before her. you were everything she could've imagined and better.

walking slowly towards the brunette, you brush a piece of hair from your face, and smile meekly.

"hi ellie, it's me."

pls let me know how this fic was, i tried out a new writing style & read pt 2 here <3

[wish-i-were-heather]

i just need to vent ignore this pls

oh my GOODNESSCAN YOU JUST ADMIT YOURE WRONG AUGH HOW HARD IS IT??? I DIDNT FUCKING DO ANYTHING!!! im sorry i fucking misunderstood you, its not worth any argument. its the STUPIDEST ARGUMENT LITERALLY WHY ARE YOU MAD??? she said to try on the dress, so i tried on the dress. then she says its the wrong one. okay, fine, my mistake. no problem. apparently there is a problem because "didnt you hear me tell you the other one we ordered arrived?" NO I CLEARLY DIDNT OTHERWISE I WOULDVE PUT THAT ONE ON? so its like ok fine ill put on the other its no big deal. but apparently i used the wrong fucking tone? what tone am i supposed to use i just talked normally. and i do like the dress i fucking do i like the dress damn why are you so pressed about it. "if you dont like it why did you buy it then its a waste" I LIKE THE FUCKING DRESS SHUT TF UP. and then apparently when he agrees that i didnt use a tone, "doesnt the tone she's using sound just like a meltdown? do you not hear it? NO HE DOESNT HEAR IT OBVIOUSLY THERES NO FUCKING TONE TO HEAR OMG ITS LITERALLY NOT A PROBLEM THERES NO NEED TO ARGUE I TRIED ON THE WRONG FUCKING DRESS LET IT GO. but apparently fucking not so im like oh sorry i didnt know wheres the dress im supposed to wear and she fucking goes "ill show you" in the most demeaning, slow, talking to someone whos overracting type of tone. like excuse me? all i did was ask a question? im not doing anything? so then i just respond "okay" in the same fucking tone. and when she hears that tone now she gets mad? yeah its not very fun to hear is it huh. and then shes like "oh nevermind we dont have to try it on well do it later" AND WALKS AWAY LIKE BITCH THIS WAS YOUR IDEA DO YOU WANT ME TO WEAR IT OR NOT? how can you give me this stupid ass attitude, say i have attitude, then walk away like im the dramatic overreacter here?

then she decides to just leave. fully leave. like i go into my room thinking we're done because i wasnt even that mad she was the one who was pissed. and then she knocks on the door (wow i didnt know she could do that she always just opens it) and is like uh where r u? and im like im in here and apparently that upsets her that im not trying on the dress that i didnt fucking know existed until five minutes ago and she just WALKS AWAY?? JUST SAYS WHATEVER AND FULLLY LEAVES. GOES OUTSIDE TO TAKE A WALK? HELLO? YOU CANT JUST LEAVE AN ARGUMENT WHEN YOURE LOOSING??? YOU CANT JUST WALK THE FUCK AWAY??

so then later i feel fine im not mad anymore i left that post with a bunch of tags complaining. and then i go to say goodnight and shes all stiff and he tells me shes still mad. and then she decides to talk about how shes "invisible and it feels like everyone is ignoring her and invalidating her emotions and stuff" LIKE LITERALLY WHO DID THAT? WHERE- WHAT? WHO??? like she doesnt know how to admit shes wrong its actually a problem. sometimes youre wrong and sometimes you have to be the bigger person. but no she has the emotional maturity of a five year old and decides to just sit there and cross her arms and not fucking talk as we both try to apologize??? and neither of us even know what we did wrong. and then SHE TRIES TO TURN IT AROUND AND "APOLOGIZES" AND IS LIKE OH IM WRONG ITS FINE WHATEVER. LIKE NO LETS TALK ABOUT THIS BUT SHE DOESNT WANT TO?? HELLO? normally the morning after an argument ill go and apologize because ill be wrong but this time i dont even know what to say because im not even doing anything wrong. shes the one who got mad at me for a simple fucking misunderstanding. all because i put on the wrong dress?? oh my goodness its not that deep at all just apologize and move on.

and the worst part is i was crying. i started crying. i was crying. during this whole damn argument. and i couldnt get words out bc my fucking throat was all weird. and i sounded rediculous. its fucking humiliating. i was trying to tell her like im not sad im not upset but she just gave me this nasty ass glare so i guess im the problem and im still overreacting.

THIS IS THE STUPIDEST ARGUMENT ANYONES EVER HAD OH MY GOODNESS LITERALLY JUST BECAUSE I MISUNDERSTOOD WHEN YOU SAID "THE DRESS ARRIVED AND I WANT YOU TO TRY IT ON." like im not even that important at all its not worth it. like oh my goodness just say youre wrong and move on. but the problem is she cant apologize and say shes wrong without playing the victim and "omg you guys dont even care im just invisible im being ignored your invalidating me" NO WERE NOT STOP TALKING

whatever its fine i guess. shes still important to me. i love her. shes just an only child and i really think it shows in the way she argues.

this is stupid. what a way to end the night with me crying because i accidentally used the wrong tone apparently and "had a meltdown" by litreally just explaining a simple misunderstanding.

but i can listen to short and sweet tomorrow!! i was gonna tonight but my nights fucking ruined :)

if you for some reason decided to read this, no you didnt

[cdbabymp3]

yap sesh with jules time

tldr ; new slushy vlog debrief and being extremely sad on a sunday night

y'all i hate myself for it but tell me why that brief 0.3 second clip of hamzah vaping in the new vlog got me acting up rn....that big ass cloud of smoke flying past his pretty face LIKE BOY COME OVER AND SHOTGUN THAT BLUEBERRY VAPE INTO MY MOUTH !! anyway. also having weird confusing feelings about martin bc why was his face card lowkey giving in this vid.... never been attracted to him but i see edits and im like .... hold on ..... 🤔... yes he was giving ozempic spiderman FINE WHATEVER but he's got a little something to him idk. mandy knows what's up. maybe im insane or maybe there are some martin biases out there who are nodding their heads while reading this. maybe i'll make a low effort edit of him and it will convince you guys. maybe it won't. who knows! in other news, need to be hamzah's trip sitter while he's on shrooms bc he's so cute and clueless. and y'all saw the way he kept closing his eyes and taking deep breaths ... yeah need asap thanks 🩷 the way he didn't know who he was dressed up as was KILLING ME bc how do u not know when you ordered the damn costume??? my anime nerd ass was cringing at him calling himself literally 4 wrong character names. silly boy it's okay i still love him. AND MARTIN WITH THE TIMBS GOODBYE 😭 THE WAY THEY LOOKED BRAND NEW TOO I WAS CRYING. i know his ass ordered those off the amazon storefront.

on a personal note 🧌 i'm having friend issues rn and this is the only place i can't rant abt it without someone using my words against me 🤗 currently in an awkward text standstill with my friend of 10 years and i'm genuinely so lost on what to do. the friendship has gotten so toxic to the point where i fear how she takes my tone bc im worried she'll confront me. like no joke im afraid of her so i always give in and take the blame for everything. it's time to move on ik but i hate confrontation (especially over text) and im so bad at ending friendships. idk i just feel so bad bc this is the 5th friendship thats fallen through and im starting to think im just not cut out for long-term friendships?? i always get in these situations where i make myself small so that the friend can stay happy being in control which is so fucked up and i'm tiredddddd of it omfg. but yeah all of this shit is making me lose hope in having friends in general like maybe this is it for me. im being dramatic i need to end this post wow.

[amysubmits]

My gf wants to be punished by me. She really perks up when I give her an admonishing look, or talk sternly to her. She seems to find my authority and discipline hot.

I do enjoy the idea of punishing her, but more as a sadist. Like, I want to make her suffer — but not because she did anything wrong, but simply because I can. To me, it shows her submission and the power she eagerly gives me, and I find that incredibly hot.

The problem is, I don’t really feel comfortable punishing her for specific transgressions. I think it’s because I don’t feel comfortable with giving her rules. She’s an incredibly capable person who doesn’t need rules enforced in order to function well; she’s up at dawn, punctual, studious, etc. Whereas, I’m actually the one who struggles with things like being on time, being clean, eating regularly… So punishing her for minor transgressions like being late, or sleeping in, or whatever, feels incredibly hypocritical! (Also, it would be so rare. And usually she has good reasons, too, bc she doesn’t fuck up by accident.) I just don’t see how I could ever have the right to expect her to endure a punishment, when she is so good and I am not.

I am also extremely cautious about introducing punishment for more serious things like if she actually “failed” me or hurt me in some way. (Eg. Say she forgot our anniversary, or started an argument and felt bad about that, or was rude / disrespectful to me.) These are more serious issues than a broken arbitrary rule (eg. “Address me by a title” or “Kneel when you enter the room” etc.). In that case, it’s a complex issue; I’d want to press pause, discuss and understand — not jump into kinky sex / punishment stuff. Not to mention, these issues are shared issues; it’s rare that it’s one person’s fault, so it feels weird to me to punish only one person. (And I don’t want punishment for myself; it would probably feel really triggering.)

Plus, she already feels horrible! She is incredibly perfectionistic, and especially in major transgressions, her internal narrative is more like, “I fucked up and failed you.” It feels needless to dwell on it — I want her to be able to make mistakes and know that she’s safe; that “I’m sorry” is enough; to not beat herself up about it. I worry that punishing would draw extra attention to the issue, and make her feel even worse / like it really IS all her fault.

Finally, I guess there is a distinction between punishment and “punishment,” and a lot of this consideration goes out the window if she’s only after the fun, hot kind. That’s worth discussing with her. But even in the fun “punishment” scene, I don’t really know what to punish her for, because we don’t have rules and she’s so good that she doesn’t really need them. I don’t even know what rules she would have, or how to come up with them! (The internet only recommends punishments, but I’ve found relatively little about how to make rules, both serious and fun ones, or the logic behind what is healthy or not.) Btw we’re not in a 24/7 dynamic or anything, we just do bedroom stuff.

Sorry for the long ask; I tried to edit it down but I have so many questions and need help. Thank you!

Hello :)

It sounds like you're pretty solid in your understanding of what you are and aren't comfortable with. It doesn't sound like punishing her for 'serious' infractions, big or small, is something you're open to. And that's totally valid. It sounds like you aren't certain if she's specifically after the serious type or the sexy kind. If she was after the serious kind, she may not like your boundaries, but it sounds like you know what yours are. If you haven't already, I'd explain this all to her similar to how you explained it to me, so that she has a full understanding of where you are coming from. And then whether or not she had initially intended for them to be 'serious' or not, I think these types of interests always link back to our sexuality in some way or another, even if it's kind of indirect. So, I'd wonder if you could find ways within "play" or "scenes" that could let her get to see you be pseudo-stern with her, and that could let you engage your sadistic side. To avoid risking her actually feeling guilty, maybe the 'rules' or 'infractions' would have to be things that are outside of her normal behavior. For example, if you use Sir during scenes and would worry that creating a rule of 'you must always end statements to me with yes sir or no sir during scenes' might make her actually feel guilty if she forgets - then maybe make up rules that are just things that could not possibly be accidental or guilt related, and would just exist as an invitation to play. As a doofy example, you make a ruler that is "No calling me Mr/Ms/Mrs. Babboon" which she has never called you and never (normally) would, so then if she does call you that, it's a really clear invitation to "punish" her. Of course, this is just if this type of play would be within both of your boundaries, but it kinda sounded to me like it probably would be. Perhaps you guys can brainstorm other ways to play with the kinks you have while avoiding those boundaries you have and also avoiding her guilt/perfectionism triggers.

Good luck to you guys. :)

[jinkoh]

(don't) wait up on me

wooseok x reader

summary: moving in with your childhood friend/former crush doesn't seem like a good idea but you were just so bad at saying no...

tags: childhood friends, roommates, mutual pining, slow burn, jealousy (y/n is dating someone else in between), severe case of idiots to lovers, hurt/comfort, gn reader (but wears make up/jewlery), reader is a year older, somewhat alternating pov, SFW; warnings: alcohol consumption

word count: ~13k

a/n: back with some ptg after a long time~ so i started writing this fic in september 2022 and uuuh i wasn't sure i would ever complete it but it would have been such a waste to abandon this when it already had over 10k. i wont lie this story is definitely a little messy but somehow i'm still attached, maybe just bc it's been with me for so long. either way i hope you enjoy. &go listen to navy blue or sth~

Masterlist

You'd known Wooseok since you were in first grade, when his family moved in next to yours. He was a year younger than you and so incredibly adorable. The two of you immediately grew close. Neither of you had any actual siblings but Wooseok really felt like a younger brother to you.

He followed you around so much, you probably spent more time together than apart.

Your parents were just as close and it wasn’t uncommon for both families to have dinner together. His mom clearly adored you, treating you as if you were her child as well. Their flat felt like a second home to you.

You went to the same schools too (you teased him about it, saying things like "aw, can't believe you followed me to middle school and now you're following me to high school too" without meaning anything by it, the way the tips of his ears grew red going unnoticed).

He hit a growth spurt sometime around high school, towering over most of his classmates and absolutely towering over you. Maybe things started to feel a little different to you, but you decided to ignore it. You had to ignore it in order to keep the friendship you had intact.

Even though you'd both hit puberty and all that stuff, he still didn't cut it down on the physical contact, throwing himself onto you like a giant dog that doesn't realize how big he is. The way it made your heart race felt all kinds of wrong. He was supposed to be like a brother to you!

After high school you moved away to study. You purposely chose a university a little further off, in order to put some distance between the two of you and get over this. (If Wooseok found himself tearing up a bit after sending you off he didn't let on.)

Wooseok and you had never texted much and suddenly starting with it now would have been awkward. So, aside from the one or the other "how have you been" or "look what i saw the other day" you were barely in touch, spare for the few weekends you visited home.

You found yourself missing him, but it also made you feel relieved when it gave the desired effect: You started thinking about him less, and even when you saw him the weird feelings from before had subsided.

When the time came for Wooseok to apply to universities as well, he applied to yours as well (just because it has a very good reputation for his subject of course!)

He didn't tell you, feeling kinda awkward about suddenly texting you with info like that. But when the acceptance letter came in he felt like it was too late to tell you. What was he supposed to say? By the way, I applied to your university and will go there next semester?

He didn't have to tell you though, because his mom already did it in his place.

After your move, she would send you food from time to time and the well mannered kid you were, you’d always call to give her your thanks.

In one of these calls—you wanted to thank her for the kimchi she’d sent—she told you about Wooseok being accepted to your university and looking for a place to live now.

The information caught you off guard. Of course, you hadn’t talked as much these days, but you still wondered why he didn’t tell you himself. You would have been so proud of him for getting accepted, especially since your university had a good reputation in the field he wanted to study. So why?

Still a little under shock, you barely paid attention when his mom continued on, about how she’d feel so much more at ease if she knew that Wooseok wouldn’t be by himself in the big town and how your mom had also told her that your lease was running out soon.

When a random, affirmative “mhm” of yours was met with excitement and relief at the other end of the line you knew you’d gotten yourself into something stupid.

“Really, y/n, I’m so glad that the two of you will live together. Of course, we’ll help you look for a flat.”

You didn’t quite share her excitement, but you also couldn’t back out now, not when she always treated you so well. And it wasn’t as though you were uncomfortable with Wooseok. You’d long gotten over whatever those odd feelings were!

Wooseok also wasn’t the fondest of his mom's administrations. She had practically painted him to be some lost helpless country bumpkin who wouldn’t survive a day in the city by himself. And that was the last thing he wanted you to think about him.

He'd always hated being a year younger than you, because he felt as if it caused him to miss out on so much. Not only had he never had the chance to be in the same classes with you; he also felt as if you didn’t take him seriously. Neither you nor your friends ever considered him cool. No, he was always just the cute "brother" that you took care of.

So yes, his mom doing this bothered him. But at the same time it was only thanks to her that he got to live with you now. And how could he ever hate that?

Seeing you everyday didn't really help the crush he had on you. The domesticity of it all was painful to bear; the way you looked all cute and sleepy when you got your morning coffee or how you rested your head against his shoulder as if it was nothing, while the two of you were huddled together on your tiny couch.

You got closer again too, of course you were, you were literally living together.

And even though he loved it to be close to you again, it also made him realize how truly impossible it seemed for you to see him as anything more than a friend or little brother.

It also felt as if you were drawing some kind of line between the two of you. You knew his friends and they sometimes hung out at the flat. At this point they were your friends too and when Hyunggu or whoever was hosting a party it was a given that Wooseok could bring you along.

But you never really let him spend time with your friends nor did you invite them over. It made him feel left out.

(You, of course, had a reason for that—but how would he know that?)

One evening when you got up from the couch, leaving the movie night behind in favor of getting ready to go out with your friends, he felt himself getting upset, a little jealous. Why couldn't you just stay home with him? Or your friends could come over instead? He didn't say that though. Instead he just watched you scurry around with a pout. When you retrieved something from the couch table, something inside of him snapped and he latched onto your wrist.

You chuckled the way one would laugh at the cute actions of a child and tried to shake him off, telling him you really had to get ready.

But instead of letting you go he just moved to wrap his arms around your waist.

"Can't you just stay home today?" he asked, still pouting but not looking up at you.

You felt your breathing catch and your heart skip a beat but quickly shook the feeling off. Chuckling again, you peeled his arms off and told him to stop being a baby.

He mumbled a barely audible "I'm not being a baby,” but you didn’t pay it any mind. Instead, you finished getting ready, grabbed your keys and made your way to the front door.

“Don’t wait up on me,” you shouted from the hallway, before letting the door fall shut behind you. 

The sentiment of his touch still lingered, leaving a tingly feeling in its wake. You knew this was bad, really bad.It was as if all the progress, the moving on, that you’d worked so hard on had gone down the drain in a split second, just because of a mere touch.

You leaned against the closed door for a moment, taking a few steadying breaths before reaching for your phone to text your best friend Claire. Sadly, your hand came up empty. You’d left your phone on the table.

But you didn’t want to go back inside, you couldn’t. So you decided to just leave, hurrying to make it on time to your meeting place with Claire.

She noticed right away that something was up with you, immediately asking if something had finally happened between you and Wooseok.

See, that’s the problem with oversharing: Even when you think they will never meet the person in question since he literally lives in a different town, you could never be entirely sure. And then you’re stuck with a best friend who knows that you used to crush on your now-roommate and teases you about it relentlessly.

When she wiggled her eyebrows at you knowingly, it was reconfirmed once more that not letting her meet him for more than a split second was the right choice. You loved Claire with all your heart, but you couldn’t trust her to keep her mouth shut.

She eventually let the topic go though, after you insisted that nothing had happened, and you made your way to the party she’d been invited to. It was her lawyer boyfriend’s crowd. Most people there seemed to be a little older than you, 4 to 5 years maybe, and so put together that you felt out of place in your worn out sneakers.

You sat in some corner nursing your drink when a guy came up to sit next to you asking if you were doing okay. He was handsome with his slicked back hair and the rolled up sleeves of his white dress shirt.

He wanted to know what's wrong and because he was so sweet and because you were already getting tipsy, you actually told him about what was preying on your mind. He listened to you calmly, letting you get it all out. Then he smiled softly. “Maybe you just needed a bit of a distraction?”

You didn't sleep with him that night. You could have, it was clear from the way he looked at you. But you hadn’t wanted to and he hadn’t pressured you either.

Instead you just talked for a really long time at the party and he walked you back to the station afterwards. You talked so much and walked so slowly that you missed your bus, so he offered to call you a cab. You declined, but he insisted.

Before the cab arrived he asked if he could have your number.

An apologetic smile crossed your face. “I actually forgot my phone.”

“Ah I see, guess I'm being rejected.” He chuckled defeatedly.

“No, I promise it’s not an excuse. I really did forget my phone. My friend scolded me about it too.”

He considered you for a moment, his gaze wandering from one eye to the other before he nodded slowly.

“Mhm, then, how about this-” He started cramming out a pen and a piece of paper from his bag, scribbling something down before he handed it to you. “I’ll just give you my number, and if you feel like it you text me. And if you don’t, you don’t. Okay?”

You nodded. “Okay.”

The cab arrived and he paid before opening the door for you and saying goodbye with a kiss to your cheek.

It was probably around 3 or 4 am when you unlocked the door to your apartment. You tried to be quiet, tiptoeing through the living room to get to your room, when you noticed soft breathing noises. Wooseok was curled up on the sofa, that was way too small for his height, sleeping soundly.

You walked over and pulled a blanket over him, shaking your head with a fond smile. "I told you not to wait up on me,” you whispered barely audibly, more to yourself than to him.

He blinked his eyes open and looked at you through the dark, his hand latching onto yours.

"You forgot your phone.” His voice was thick with sleep. “I was worried.”

You swallowed around the lump that was building in your throat and pulled your hand away.

"If you're awake now you should go to sleep in your bed.”

He made some grumpy noise instead of a proper reply and you just disappeared to your room.

When you were laying in bed, you still saw his sleepy eyes in front of you, looking at you through the darkness with drowsy affection.

It drove you crazy.

You tiptoed out of bed and got the little piece of paper out of your jeans pocket, before you slipped back under your blankets.

And then you texted the guy.

You met up with him a few times after that and he absolutely pampered you. He was always so sweet, inviting you to dinner or a coffee and seeing you home afterwards.

Wooseok caught on eventually, watching you with eagle eyes when you put on perfume or wore shoes that he knew you saved for important occasions. You didn't have to say you were going on dates for him to know and when he eventually asked about it you admitted to meeting someone.

It stung when he heard you say it but he couldn't stop his curiosity. So he asked more about him, his name and what he was doing and how old he was.

He immediately regretted asking. Knowing that he was older and a lawyer just made his insecurities worse. Curiosity killed the cat has never rang so true.

Why did it have to be someone older than you? Why did it have to be someone with a proper job and money while he was just some broke student?That guy would treat you to fancy dinners, while Wooseok was the pathetic roommate for whom you had to cover the rent when his money was getting tight. It haunted him but he couldn't say anything about it. What right did he have?

You started spending less time at the flat and more time with the lawyer guy.

It was good to have a distraction, you told yourself (even if it didn't really work at all. even if you were still thinking about Wooseok all the time, the way he looked at you, the way his hand felt wrapped around your wrist).

Aside from your uncooperative heart, the dates were going well. It had felt a little one sided at first, you only sharing your worries and him not sharing any of his. But as you spent more time together he also started to confide in you about stress from work. He told you about his family too, his older sister, his mom and all these things.

"Maybe you can meet them sometime" he said one afternoon and it sounded casual but when you met his eyes you felt a heavy meaning behind it.

You just smiled and nodded, saying you'd love to but feeling a little unsettled about it. Maybe it wasn't fair to meet him when you were clearly having feelings for someone else.

He noticed your sudden change in mood though and reassuringly took your hand in his.

"No pressure, dear. I'm not trying to force you into anything, okay?"

He was always like that, showing you how interested he was in you but still giving you time and space.

Eventually, he asked you if you wanted to make it official and date him. You hesitated, not sure if it was okay to say yes, but he smiled softly and told you that he didn’t mind if you didn't feel that way about him yet or that you were still hung up on your childhood friend. You could just try, right?

So you found yourself saying yes.

Dating him was nice. He still treated you well, taking you out for dinner or buying presents for you (even though you kept insisting he didn't need to). You started spending most of your weekends at his place and it almost felt as if you were living someone else's life.

His flat was big and clean and fancy. There weren't any dirty dishes on the counter (that Wooseok didn't do again), because your boyfriend had a dishwasher that took care of it. His couch too looked expensive and was actually big enough for two people to sit on comfortably. (Nothing like the small ratty couch in your flat, that barely fit Wooseok on it by himself, leaving the two of you to always huddle together in order not to fall off.)

Everything in your boyfriend's flat was better from an objective point of view. But it didn't feel much like a home.

You were at his place again that weekend, sitting together on his couch and watching TV.

After glancing at the time and realizing it was already afternoon you untangled yourself from him in order to head back.

"You don't have to go home though. You can just stay."

You shook your head. “I can’t, I have to prepare for my classes.”

“Can’t you do it from here?”

“I don’t have my things here.”

“Why not?”

"Huh?" You looked at him in confusion.

"I mean. Why don't you have some of your things here?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're here every weekend anyway. Why not leave some stuff here?"

You just stared at him, not knowing how to reply. It never occurred to you to do that. Somehow you'd always felt like a guest in his home. Clearly it hadn't been his intention to make you feel that way but you did and it didn’t seem appropriate for a guest to leave things around.

"Or you know," he continued "you could also just move in. I have enough space."

You hadn’t known what to say before, but now you were completely at a loss of words. You just stared at him in disbelief. Eventually, he smiled and leaned in to you, pushing a strand of hair behind your ear before he got up from the couch.

"Just think about it, hm?"

You nodded and then he helped you gather your clothes and drove you back.

When you reached home Wooseok was  sitting in the living room. He barely acknowledged you walking in. Things had been like this between the two of you for a while now; a little awkward, a little cold. You hated it but maybe that’s what was necessary in order to get over him?

You sighed and went to the kitchen, being welcomed by a stash of dishes in the sink. It struck a nerve with you, but you didn’t want to pick a fight, so you just sighed again. After getting yourself a glass of water you disappeared into your room to prepare for classes. But somehow you couldn’t stop thinking about what your boyfriend had said. Maybe it wasn't a bad idea?

When you got out of your room later that evening with your laptop under your arm Wooseok was sitting there again (or still?). You squeezed yourself onto the couch next to him, but instead of scooting over he just got up to leave without even saying a single word.

It made you angry. Why was he treating you like this? You glared after him but when he didn't turn around you snapped. 

"Are you being serious right now?!"

He turned around then, looking annoyed. "What?"

"Are you seriously going to ignore me like this? You haven't seen me all weekend and this is what I come home to?!"

You were angry but mostly you were hurt by his behavior.

Wooseok just shrugged. "If it bothers you then don't come home I guess. You're at his flat all the time anyway, why do you even bother?"

That stung. That really really stung.

You didn't want to have tears welling up in your eyes but you couldn't help it.

"Maybe I should! He asked me to move in with him, and I might just say yes!"

You shut your laptop angrily to get back to your room. When you walked past him Wooseok was looking at you with big eyes.

"...are you really?"

You avoided his gaze. "Maybe. What's it to you?"

With that you disappeared to your room, slamming the door behind you.

After the fight you texted your boyfriend if you could stay with him for a bit. So, the next day after classes he used his break to pick you up before driving back to work. Left alone in the flat you felt a little lost. You'd never been there by yourself and somehow you were worried about touching or dirtying or using anything. What if something broke? You supposed though, that this feeling would go away if you stayed a little longer. You sat down on his couch to do your university work and then ordered food because you didn't dare to use his kitchen.

You stayed like this with him for a few days, him often working late but always making sure to call you in his lunch break. It was sweet, really.

One evening, when he came home a little earlier than usual, he caught you sitting on the couch, the pizza carton from your dinner still on the couch table. He looked at it kinda funnily and you immediately apologized for not throwing it out yet.

But he just shook his head with a smile. "Y/n, have you been ordering pizza for dinner every day this week?"

"...maybe."

He laughed softly before he leaned in to kiss you on the cheek. “You know I have a kitchen right? You're allowed to use it."

You chuckled awkwardly.  “I'll keep that in mind."

And yet, the next day, you found yourself eating pizza again.

As the end of the week approached, you realized you hadn't packed for staying a long time. Of course, you could hypothetically wash at his place but it was another thing you didn't feel comfortable doing and somehow the prospect of him handling your dirty laundry felt even worse. So, it was time to stop at home to pick up some fresh clothes …or to go home for good.

The two of you were cuddling on Thursday night, when you told him and he was mumbling into your neck that he could just drive you on the weekend. But you insisted on going by yourself. You felt it was better not to let him run into Wooseok right now but you didn't tell him that.

When you unlocked the door at home on Friday it was so quiet you assumed you were alone. You went to the kitchen to fetch your favorite tea. But as soon as you walked in, you stilled for a moment. It was squeaky clean, no dishes anywhere, nor any crumbs.

Still caught up in your surprise you didn't notice that Wooseok had walked up to the kitchen.

"You're back," he said, standing in the door frame with big surprised eyes.

Seeing him again after a few days made your chest feel warm. None of the anger of the last time you'd seen him was left, you were just glad to have him around. You looked at him for a moment before you shrugged.

"This is still my home too, you know."

"I thought… maybe you wouldn't come back anymore."

You raised the package of tea in some sort of wave. "I'm just picking up a few things."

Wooseoks face fell. "Oh."

“Yeah.” 

The air between you turned tense again, so you tried to escape the situation by slipping past him into the living room to gather some things. Wooseok silently trailed behind you like a lost puppy, as you went from room to room to put this and that into your bag. When you went over to your bed to pack your pillow, Wooseok was watching you from the door frame.

"Can't you just... stay?"

You already wanted to decline but when you looked up and your eyes met his, your heart sank. He looked so sad. You just couldn't say no to him

You put your pillow back down before you slowly nodded. "Maybe just for a bit."

The two of you made some makeshift dinner in the kitchen together and even though it was a bit of an interesting combination it tasted like heaven after days of pizza only. The rest of the evening was spent huddled together on the couch. It felt familiar and comfortable and like home. Only now you realized how much you'd missed this over the past week. 

You completely forgot that you were supposed to go back to your boyfriend, only getting reminded when your phone vibrated on the table later that night, a message popping up on the screen.

where are you?

Wooseok must have seen it too from the way he quickly averted his eyes when you glanced over at him. He was trying really hard to look anywhere but your phone screen, when you picked it up to reply. 

sorry I’ll stay home after all

Then you set your phone aside again, resting your head against Wooseok’s shoulder and focusing back on the movie.

After a while he cleared his throat.

"Don't you have to like... go back to your boyfriend or something?" It sounded timid.

"Not today."

You thought you saw a little smile tug at the corners of his lips but you didn't comment on it.

It was the first weekend in a while that you were spending at the flat with Wooseok. It really felt as if you'd never fought in the first place and you could almost trick yourself into thinking the awkwardness hadn't happened either.

But then from time to time there were small moments where you felt as if he was tiptoeing around you, like the way his hand sometimes halted before touching you and then pulled away, or how he looked at you as if you could just disappear any second.

On Monday you had to go back to your boyfriend’s place since you'd left your laptop (and other things) at his and you could only last so long without them.

Somehow you felt caught between the chairs. You knew your boyfriend would want you to stick around. But you’d only just made up with Wooseok and you didn’t want to leave him alone again. You couldn’t.

You went to his flat when you knew he was at work, messaging him that you'd pick up your things. He didn't seem happy about it but he didn't try to stop you either. What he did try though, was telling you to wait until the evening so he could drive you home. But you felt as if in the end, instead of driving you home he'd probably convince you to stay after all so you declined.

You met up with him later that week for dinner. He picked you up with a flower bouquet in his hand. Even now after you’d been dating for a while, he was still showering you in small gifts and tokens. It honestly felt a little too much, as if he was trying to buy your affection, but you tried to be grateful, since convincing him to stop hadn’t worked.

While the two of you were sitting at your table, waiting for the food to come, he asked you if you'd thought about moving in together.

“I’m not trying to pressure you,” he assured. “I just want to know what you’re thinking.”

You slowly moved your head from side to side. “Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve only just patched things up with Wooseok, I don’t want to risk this…”

Your boyfriend nodded but there was worry in his eyes.

"I know you don't want to hurt him. But you can't always put him first, dear. Maybe a little distance would be for the best. You need to stop waiting for something that won’t happen."

His words made you swallow. Was that really what it was? Were you waiting? And did it really have no chance of happening? 

You switched topics after that, talking about this and that, from work and university to your upcoming birthday. He asked if you’d be okay to spend your birthday evening with him since it conveniently fell onto a Saturday. Somehow you considered for a moment, racking your brains for potential reasons to decline, before ultimately saying yes when you came up empty.

After dinner, the two of you strolled through town for a bit. Most shops were already closed but you stopped here and there to gaze in through the lit up store windows. At a jeweler, your gaze got stuck on a necklace in the display. Your boyfriend noticed and smiled.

"You like that one, huh?"

"Yeah. actually—no that will probably sound childish."

Your boyfriend bumped you in the side "No, tell me."

"Actually that necklace is from an older collection. It came out years ago and I fell in love at first sight when I saw it back then."

"Oh, like what happened when I first saw you?" He grinned and you rolled your eyes before turning back to the necklace.

"I actually made a promise to myself back then. That I would buy it with my first proper paycheck."

"That's cute,” he said and it somehow made you feel childish after all. It made sense though, the price of the necklace was probably just peanuts to him with his well paying lawyer job. You shook your head and dragged him to move on. "Let’s go."

When your birthday rolled around you were woken up by a timid knock on your door. You groaned in reply and Wooseok shuffled in, a glass with chocolate milk in his hand. It was a small tradition from when you were kids to have chocolate milk with colorful sugar sprinkles on birthdays. The last time you’d done this was probably when you were around 7th grade, so him reviving this tradition now that you were living together warmed your heart.

He set it onto your night stand with a small smile. “Happy birthday, y/n.”

You sat up in bed to take a sip from it. "Thank you.”

“You have a little—” Wooseok chuckled, gesturing at his lips. “Yeah, you got it,” he continued as your tongue darted out to get rid of the milk stuck on your upper lip.

Then you realized the slightly burned smell wafting into your room.

"Uhm, Wooseok, do you have something on the stove?"

His eyes grew wide and he rushed out of the room with a panicked “Oh, no, the pancakes!”

When you came to the kitchen a little later, it was an utter mess. Wooseok was scurrying around trying to plate some slightly burned pancakes with cinnamon and maple syrup. As soon as he noticed your presence, he started pouting.

"You weren't supposed to come in," he complained, his eyes wandering to the little tray he'd started to prepare with a glass of orange juice and the plate of pancakes on it.

Seeing the effort he’d put into this (even if it didn’t go perfectly well) gave you a fuzzy feeling in your stomach. 

"Sorry," You said with an apologetic smile, feeling sorry for destroying the surprise. "But this way we can eat together?"

He was still pouting but reluctantly agreed and the two of you sat at the table to have breakfast. He told you about what he'd come up with for your birthday, giving you a bunch of options to choose from. It included stuff like watching your favorite movie, going to the zoo, taking a walk, playing laser tag, etc.

It was cute how he'd thought about what to do for your birthday but still gave you room to choose yourself. Honestly speaking, you wanted to do everything on his list.

Sadly, since you'd promised to have an early dinner with your boyfriend, that fell flat. He'd managed to reserve a table at a really fancy restaurant that had a sheer endless waiting list. So, since you’d taken your time with breakfast and would have to get ready before dinner there wasn't really that much time to do many things from the list.

You didn't dare to look up at Wooseok when you told him.

"Oh," he replied. "But, uhm, do you still want to do something before that though?"

“I’d love that.” A relieved smile washed over his face at your words.

The two of you decided to get some coffee from your favorite café and then just strolled through the park close to your college. Two geese were waddling around on the grass, loudly quacking at each other.

"Don't they kinda sound like old ladies having an argument?" You giggled.

Wooseok joined in on your laughter. "Marianne," he quacked. "Did you really bring your divorced son to church on sunday?!"

You bursted into laughter, almost spitting out the sip of coffee in your mouth.

"Listen, Karen," You chimed in, your voice funny too. "The lord forgives all."

The two of you fooled around like that for a while, Wooseok making you laugh to the point where tears formed in your eyes. You couldn't remember the last time you'd had this much fun. While your boyfriend was a sweetheart, he wasn't one to joke around that much.

After a while your eyes fell onto a clock in the park making your eyes grow wide. It was way later than anticipated and you really had to get going now in order to get ready. You didn't want to admit it but you would have much rather spend your time with Wooseok than to go to that fancy dinner. But the table was already booked and you'd promised to go. So, the two of you went home, you got ready and then waited for your boyfriend to pick you up.

The restaurant was really nice but it once again gave you that feeling of living someone else's life instead of your own. That feeling had been exciting at first, but it was slowly starting to shift to something slightly uncomfortable. Maybe you liked your own life better, burned pancakes and all.

It was just an evening though! And your boyfriend had gone all out to make this possible!

The tiny meals with their fancy names didn't mean anything to you and maybe pizza would have done the job but you smiled and nodded when asked if it was tasty. You shared a dessert, some fancy flan with liquor in it. It was a little too bitter for you but you didn't want to say. You already felt like a child between all these chic people, you didn't want to out yourself as someone with a childlike palate on top of it.

"I hope you enjoyed dinner?" your boyfriend asked with the sweetest smile

You smiled and nodded, opening your mouth when he held out a spoon full of dessert for you.

"You really didn't have to do all this though," You said after you swallowed.

"But i wanted to"

"Thank you."

"Now are you ready for your present?"

You looked at him in confusion. You thought this dinner itself was already the present. What more was going to come?

He took out a small box from his jacket and slid it over to you.

"What is this?" Your hands felt oddly sweaty. It obviously wasn't a ring – the box was long and flat – but it still looked expensive.

"Open it.”

The moment your eyes fell onto the shiny necklace inside, you started feeling sick to your stomach.

It was pretty, of course it was. Because this was your necklace. The necklace you'd wanted to buy yourself.

You didn't know what to say and just stared at it.

"Are you happy?"

You felt like crying.

No, you weren't happy at all but you also couldn't really say that after receiving an expensive gift, right?

"Uh- it's unexpected," You pressed out.

"I knew how much you wanted this."

"...Yeah"

"You were giving me a hint when you told me that story weren’t you?"

Your head shot up and you stared at him in confusion. "What?"

“I thought you were trying to tell me to get it for you, since you can't afford it.”

“No,” You whispered, your voice shaking. "I meant it when I said I wanted to get it for myself.”

"Ah, I see. But now you can just save up for something else instead." He looked caught off guard at first but quickly smiled again. “Shall we slowly get going?"

You nodded, still feeling sick. You closed the box again and stuffed it into your bag while your boyfriend paid. When you left he reached out for one of your hands but you put them into your pockets, pretending not to notice.

"You're coming home with me, right?"

You knew it had been implied in the plans to go back to his place and spend the night together. But right now you just wanted to go home.

Why did you always have to go to his place anyway? Of course, he didn't have a roommate and it was a bigger place and all that. But from time to time it would have been nice if he'd at least offered to come visit you instead of always assuming that you'd to come over…

When you didn't reply he softly nudged you in the side.

"Where are you with your head, love?"

"Ah," you looked at him before averting your eyes again. "Sorry."

"Don't worry about it." His hand pushed back a strand of your hair that had fallen into your forehead. "By the way, where is the necklace? Should I put it on for you?"

"I'm already wearing my scarf now." You chuckled in an attempt to make it come out more lighthearted, but it just sounded awkward. "Maybe later."

"We can just take the scarf off and put it back on?" He suggested, his hand already moving to remove it.

You stopped him by holding onto the soft fabric.

"Maybe later," You repeated with a little more force this time

"Okay."

"Yeah."

"So, should we go home?" He asked and it somehow irked you how naturally he referred to his place as home, as if it was yours too.

"I think I want to go back to my place tonight, I'm kinda tired."

He frowned. "What's up with you?"

"I just—It was just a lot today."

"Is it about the necklace?"

You didn't reply.

"Does it bother you that I got it for you?"

"I just," you pressed out, your voice feeling choked up "It was something i wanted to get for myself..."

He sighed. "Don't be so upset, dear. It was a simple miscommunication. You can just buy a different necklace or spend your money on other things.”

He  didn't seem to get your point at all.

"I don't want to spend my money on other things."

"Are you really angry at me for buying you a necklace you wanted?!"

You shrugged, fighting against the tears welling up in your eyes.

"I didn't just want the necklace. I wanted to buy it."

"Fine," he said, sounding annoyed. You couldn't remember hearing his voice like this before. "If it bothers you so much we can just bring it back and you can choose a different one. And then someday if you have the money you can buy this one for yourself.”

"It won't be the same anymore. If I buy it now it won't feel the same.”

"So what do you want me to do then?"

"I don't know. I just wanna go home."

“Okay. I'll drive you.”

You shook your head. “No, not today.”

"C'mon just let me drive you. I'll feel unsettled to let you go by yourself at this time of day."

"I'm okay. Really. So please..."

"Fine." He turned to go to his car that one of the restaurant’s workers had already driven up again.

"Wait," you followed a few steps behind.

He turned back at you with a smug smile, ready to open his car door for you. But instead he was met with the little jewelry box that you held out to him.

He sighed. "You really don't want to keep it?"

"I can't."

You watched him as he drove off and the second he was gone you crouched down on the pavement, sobbing.

You were hurt and frustrated. Of course, your boyfriend hadn't meant any harm, but it felt as if he didn't understand you at all. Him gifting you this necklace almost felt as if he was looking down on you, telling you that you wouldn't ever be able to afford it yourself anyway. Maybe you were being overly petty about this, but you wished he had at least said sorry instead of only justifying himself or trying to convince you it wasn't something to be hurt about. He'd tainted this for you and even if you'd buy this necklace for yourself someday it would always have a bitter after taste.

You cried and sobbed your heart out, ignoring the odd looks you got from people passing by. You didn't feel like getting up and walking to the station, nor did you want to sit in the tram looking like this. But you couldn't call a cab, because your boyfriend was right, you were just some dumb little girl without money.

This was probably the worst birthday you’d ever had, you thought. But then you remembered the way it started, and the memory of it managed to put a small smile on your lips.

You took out your phone and opened Wooseok’s chat.

can you pick me up? you texted, your finger hovering over the button for a while before pressing send. 

It took like two seconds before Wooseok replied and asked for your location. You sent it to him and then stuffed your phone back into your pocket, hugging your legs to your chest and waiting for him to arrive. Your cheeks felt weird from all the crying and your nose was running and you were cold and you just hoped he’d be there soon.

It probably took him around 15 minutes and you had no idea how he’d managed to do that. He came to a halt with his bicycle when he spotted you, getting off the saddle and pushing it towards you. There was worry in his eyes and his breath came out in puffs and you'd never been this glad to see someone before.

Wooseok didn't ask any questions. Instead, he just parked his bike and crouched down in front of you. He got out a handkerchief from his pocket, wiped away your tears and helped you blow your nose. You should have probably felt terrible about it, having someone younger than you take care of you like that, but you just let it happen.

He helped you up and told you to hold on tight when you got onto the back of his bicycle. You wrapped your arms around his waist and leaned your head against his back. The warmth of his body felt soothing and comforting and you just let him take you home in silence.

As soon as you arrived, he absolutely babied you, making  tea and wrapping you into a cozy blanket as you huddled together on the couch.

He still didn't ask what happened and you were grateful for it, not really ready to talk about it and also unsure if maybe you'd overreacted after all and the whole fight was ridiculous.

Wooseok put on your comfort movie on the TV and you rested your head against his shoulder, feeling your eyes fall shut not even a third into the movie. 

When you woke up the next day, you found yourself tugged to bed without any memory of getting there. You were still drowsy and sleepy and not aware of your surroundings or anything, really.

Checking your phone for the time, you noticed that your boyfriend had left you a message asking if you got home safely. Seeing it made the memories of the evening return. You recalled the overly fancy dinner and most of all you recalled his oh so thoughtful gift. 

Tears immediately welled up in your eyes again and you hated it. It made you feel pathetic and as though you were making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe you really were being overdramatic, making it bigger than it was.

But it felt as if he destroyed something really important to you. It hurt.

What hurt even more was that he clearly didn't understand your problem at all. To him it was just some necklace,  he couldn't see the value behind it. He couldn't see that it was more than a necklace to you. It was a symbol of making it, of achieving something by yourself.  It stood for independence. And he took that all away from you, by buying you the one thing you didn’t want anyone else to get for you.

You set your phone aside without opening his message and buried yourself under your blanket again, unwilling to face the day yet.

It was Sunday, so with no classes to  attend you were free to do just that. For a while you drifted in and out of sleep, finding yourself sobbing into your pillow in between.

All of this made you feel so wrong.

It wasn't just the necklace. The necklace somehow triggered something bigger; it made you question your whole relationship with him. It made you question why you always felt like someone else when you were with him. As if you were a little kid trying on your mom's high heels.

And you were tired of it. You wanted your own shoes back.

After a while—you must have slipped back to sleep yet again—you heard soft knocking against your door. When you groaned in reply, the door opened a crack and Wooseok stuck his head in.

"Y/n?" he asked softly before slipping into the room and closing the door behind him, a steaming cup in his hand.

You hid your face behind the blanket, convinced that you must be looking like pure horror from all the crying. Heck, now that you thought of it you couldn't remember taking off your make up yesterday so you probably had terrible panda eyes. Probably already did by the time Wooseok picked you up yesterday. 

It was quiet for a moment, before you heard the hesitant shuffling of steps coming closer.

"I made you tea."

You didn't reply nor did you come out from under the blanket.

"Uh, I'll just–uh–put this here," he mumbled and you heard him set the cup onto your night stand.

It got quiet again and you thought he'd leave but then you felt the mattress dip as he sat down on the edge of it. He sat there for a while not really saying anything. You didn't move either.

"Are you okay?" he eventually tried again.

"I'm okay," you replied but your voice came out croaky and thin.

"Won't you come out?"

You shook your head.

"Why not?"

"I'm a mess"

"C'mon, y/n, i saw you after your wisdom tooth removal when you were drooling all over yourself. What could be worse than that?"

He had a point there. This was Wooseok after all, he already saw your most shameful sides anyway. Hesitantly, you pulled down the blanket revealing your puffy face.

Wooseok smiled at you softly. “See? I've totally encountered worse."

Now you had to giggle too and it somehow made tears roll down your cheeks again. 

Wooseok's eyes grew wide and he panicked, lifting his hands to do something, anything, against the tears but not really knowing what. Watching flail so helplessly made you giggle more which in turn made you cry more too. You wiped at the corners of your eyes still smiling as you mumbled a quiet "You're an idiot."

He shrugged. “Takes one to know one."

You just rolled your eyes at him and it got quiet again.

"Tea?" Wooseok asked after a while.

You nodded before sitting up in your bed, leaning against the headboard. He reached out to you, as if he was trying to help you sit (even though you clearly didn't need the help) before he moved his attention to the tea instead, passing the cup to you. You took it in both hands, blowing on it a few times before taking a careful sip.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?"

You didn't look up at him and stared at the steam of your cup instead. "I don't know."

"You don't have to"

"It's probably stupid anyway."

"If it makes you cry like that it isn't stupid."

You swallowed, feeling tears well up yet again at his words. For fucks sake why couldn't you just stop crying already?!

You shrugged. “We went out for dinner."

"Okay," he replied patiently.

"He bought me jewelry."

"Mhm."

"A necklace."

"Okay."

"...It was my necklace," you finally supplied, convinced that Wooseok wouldn't even remember and that you'd have to explain more.

But the moment you said it his eyes widened in surprise "The first paycheck necklace?"

Somehow it moved you that he remembered it.

You nodded slowly.

"And did he uh... did he know?"

"...Yeah."

Wooseok frowned at you. "Then why would he buy it?!"

Relief washed over you when he asked that, making you feel less like an overdramatic nuisance and more as if your frustration about this was actually valid

"He meant well," you mumbled.

"You don't have to defend him."

"He thought i really wanted it," you defended him anyway.

"But you didn't just want it. You wanted to buy it yourself and he knew that."

You nodded. "Yeah."

He nodded too, realizing that maybe his words weren't the most comforting.

"I'm sorry that happened, y/n"

"Thank you."

"...so what will you do?"

"About him? I don't know..."

Wooseok hadn't meant him, he'd meant the necklace. But when you seemed so unsure about being with your boyfriend a small part of him felt hopeful, almost glad.

He immediately shushed that part though. You were having a horrible time and there was nothing he hated more than seeing you unhappy. This wasn't the time to hope for anything.

"Do you- uh," he interrupted himself, not sure what to do with himself. "Can I do anything for you?"

"Turn back time maybe?"  A shallow laugh escaped your lips.

"You know I would," he said. And he meant it. If he could, he would turn back time to before you even met that guy. "But is there anything a little less impossible?"

Honestly, all you wanted right now were comfort cuddles, but you didn't know if you could ask for that. You stared at the tips of your fingers that were wrapped tightly around the tea cup.

"Maybe we could watch a movie?"

He smiled fondly and nodded.

"Wanna move to the living room then?"

You hesitated. "No."

"Oh." he blushed and looked away from you. "Okay. I'll uh get my laptop then..."

He got up again to leave, but before reaching the door he turned back around to you

"What about food?"

You shrugged.

"I'll get you something."

"...Thank you"

After a while, he came back, carrying way too many things at once as he maneuvered himself into the room. He had his laptop under his arm, a package of waffles in one hand, a small bowl with cut up apples in the other and it seemed like he had something in the pocket of his hoodie too.

You had to chuckle when you saw him coming in

"Do you need help?"

"Mostly I need you to scoot over a bit."

You obliged and he carefully set the food on your nightstand while you pulled out the laptop from underneath his arm.

He halted for a moment before he sat down next to you, slipping under the blanket that you held up for him.

Whatever was in his pocket was making a rustling plastic noise as he sat down.

"Ah, right," he mumbled, pulling out the package of cleansing tissues you usually kept in the bathroom and handing it over to you.

"You know, in case you want to..." He vaguely gestured at his face.

"That bad, huh.” You grabbed the package from his hand with a chuckle.

"It's fine."

You wiped your face, all the smeared left over makeup coming off, while he set up his laptop.

"So, what do you want to watch?" 

"Something corny and romantic."

He scrunched up his face but didn't reject the idea. Instead he googled romantic movies and put on one that he'd heard of before.

In hindsight though, it probably hadn’t been the best choice.

You were munching on a waffle that Wooseok had passed to you as the first scene of Breakfast at Tiffany's rolled over the screen, Audrey Hepburn longingly staring at the bracelets behind the display window.

Wooseok noticed his mistake immediately but it was already too late. When he glanced over at you, big elephant tears were running down your cheeks again, dripping onto the waffle you were eating.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know— should I put on something else?"

You shook your head, still munching on the tear drained waffle.

"I gave it back to him," you mumbled between bites, your eyes still focused on the laptop screen where the movie continued.

"That's good."

"I really wanted to buy it."

"You could still buy it?"

You shook your head again before resting it against Wooseok's shoulder. You felt him tense up for a moment at the sudden proximity.

"It wouldn't be the same."

"... Yeah. I know."

For a while it was silent except for the sound of the movie running, but then Wooseok softly raised his voice again.

"We'll find something new." He scooted down on your bed a bit so he could rest his head against yours.

"We'll find something new that you can gift yourself. And then we won't tell anyone about it so no one can beat you to buying it because no one will know."

"You will know."

"Yeah. But I'd never buy it for you."

"Pinky promise?" You held out your hand in front of him and he intertwined your finger with his

"Pinky promise."

You knew you couldn’t just ghost your boyfriend forever, he didn’t deserve that. So after holing up at home with Wooseok the rest of the weekend, you decided to face the music on Monday. 

You wrote him a message, telling him you got home well and if he was okay to meet up with you one of these days. The two of you decided on Tuesday. He asked if he should pick you up after classes and take you back to his place but you declined, asking for a walk in the park instead.

Frankly speaking, you weren’t sure how the conversation would go. You weren’t sure what consequences would be drawn for the two of you. But whether you’d break up or not you had the urge to meet in a neutral place. Somehow throughout this relationship, you’d always intruded in his places. Starting with the party where you met, a party of his friends where you’d barely belonged, and continuing from there: His home, his car, his favorite restaurants, the cafés he recommended—you were always his guest. But this time, you needed to be on equal footing.

“Are you going to… break up with him?” Wooseok asked hesitantly between spoons of ice cream, when you told him about it on Monday evening.

“I don’t know,” you replied truthfully, before dipping your spoon into the shared family pack that was sitting on the couch table.

He nodded. “Just do what feels right.”

“I’ll try.” 

“Should we leave some of the ice cream in case you need it tomorrow?”

You looked at the box thoughtfully before taking another spoonful. “Nah, I don’t have that kind of self-restraint.”

“Thank god.”

“You know,” you mindlessly started again. “I wish I could have felt at home with him the way I do with you.”

Wooseok looked at you with an unsatisfied frown. "Why? Is it not enough when it's me you feel at home with? Isn’t one home enough?"

You giggled. “No, I think you’re right. It’s enough, as long as I have you.”

You weren’t sure what you’d had expected, but somehow everything felt off and different when you met your boyfriend on Tuesday. It was as if a single weekend had made strangers out of you. 

From the moment your eyes met each other on your campus, the two of you were stiff. You didn’t know how to greet him. Were you supposed to kiss and hug? That’s what you usually did but today you didn’t want to.

Seemingly, your boyfriend had similar struggles because he just awkwardly raised his hand in a wave.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” you replied.

You stood there for a moment, not knowing what to say before he nodded in the direction of the park. “Should we go?”

“Yeah…”

The weird silence returned as you set foot into the park and continued for quite a while afterwards. You could hear the geese quacking in the distance and you would have said something about it if the one walking with you had been Wooseok. But it wasn't.

“So,” he said eventually. “You didn’t just meet me to take a walk in silence right?”

“No.”

“Well, then talk.”

“I just… I felt really hurt about the present to be honest,” you carefully started.

He scoffed. “Yeah, I noticed.”

You immediately regretted bringing it up. Maybe you were being stupid for making such a fuss after all.

But then Wooseok’s words rang in your head again giving you a little confidence. If it makes you cry like that it isn't stupid.

You took a deep breath.

“I told you that I wanted to buy this necklace for myself and what it meant to me. So when you just bought it for me, it felt as if you didn’t listen to me.”

“I already told you it was a misunderstanding. Usually when your date brings up jewelry it’s because they want it. So I just assumed—is it really something to be so dramatic about?”

You frowned. “I’m allowed to feel hurt about this.”

“Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.” 

He didn’t actually roll his eyes but his expression and the tone in his voice made you feel like he did. It was obvious that he didn’t feel sorry at all. And what kind of apology was that anyway? I’m sorry you feel that way? Shouldn’t it be I’m sorry I made you feel that way? But maybe you were being nit-picky.

When you didn’t reply he sighed. “So what now?”

You shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Are we seriously breaking up because of a mere necklace?”

“I wasn’t–'' You interrupted yourself. What were you going to say? That you weren’t going to break up with him? Were you really not? 

You shook your head defeatedly. “It’s more than that. But that you can’t see that and that it’s still just a mere necklace to you is part of the problem.”

“Well, if I can’t see it then explain it to me!” The way he raised his voice made you flinch, but you tried your best to stay composed and not let any insecurity show on your face.

Still, your voice quivered when you spoke up. “I just—I feel so small when I’m with you.”

“Small? That’s ridiculous.”

“I’m not saying it’s your fault. But when we’re together I feel small and pathetic. I just do. And I don’t want to feel that way anymore.”

He laughed. “Is this about him? Is he finally returning your feelings now?”

“What?! No! This is about me.”

“Sure, whatever. You can come pick up your things while I’m at work then.”

“I don’t have any things left at your place.”

“Right,” he sneered. “Even better then.”

He turned to walk away, just like that, leaving you standing in the park. You felt yourself choke up. How did things turn out this way? He’d been so sweet all this time, treating you so well. How could everything go down the drain like this? He’d always seemed so mature to you, so why was it you couldn’t talk things out with him?

The geese were closer now, waddling over the green lawn. They were quiet, no conversations of stuck up church ladies to be heard. Not that it made a difference.

With heavy steps you made your way home, bursting out in tears as soon as the door closed behind you. You knew that Wooseok was still at a lecture at this time, so nothing stopped you from crouching down on the floor and sobbing into your knees until no more tears were coming out. Then you trudged over to the couch and buried yourself under pillows and blankets.

Your mind briefly wandered to the ice cream and you were regretting now that you hadn’t saved any for today. 

You must have fallen asleep at some point, because when you woke up, Wooseok was crouching down in front of the couch, looking at you with a worried frown.

“You okay?” He asked, even though you so obviously weren’t.

You shook your head, it was no use keeping up fronts with him anyway.

“Ice cream?”

“We ate it all yesterday.”

A winning smile tugged at his lips. “I bought a new one on my way home.”

“You’re the best. I really love you.”

You hadn’t meant to say that. Or maybe you had, but you clearly hadn’t meant anything by it. Friends say that sometimes, right?

Yet, you noticed the way Wooseok’s ears turned red as he stood up. He cleared his throat. “I’ll get us some spoons.”

“Thanks,” you croaked, desperately trying to play it cool. You’d only just broken up with your boyfriend today, it clearly wasn’t the right time for whatever this was.

He came back with the ice cream and the spoons, motioning for you to scoot over so he could sit next to you. Huddled together on the couch, you put on some movie and watched in silence, eating ice cream until you felt sick. Wooseok didn’t pressure you to tell him what happened, but you knew if you wanted to talk about it, he’d listen to you.

You didn’t feel like talking about it though, not yet. For now you just wanted to sit on the couch together, enjoying the familiarity of it all. 

Eventually you felt yourself getting tired, your eyes unable to focus on the screen anymore, so you excused yourself to go to bed. As soon as you were lying in bed though, you were wide awake again, the argument with your boyfriend—ex-boyfriend—playing on repeat in your restless mind. You kept tossing and turning, unable to calm your thoughts. 

It wasn’t necessarily that you regretted the break-up; how could you stay in a relationship that made you feel like you didn’t belong? But it hurt nonetheless. Despite everything you’d liked being with him. It hurt that it ended like this and it hurt that it ended at all.

Tears were welling up in your eyes again and you sobbed into your pillow, trying to muffle the sounds. You’d lost count of how often you’d cried over the past few days.

When you dragged out of your room around noon the next day, you found a very surprised Wooseok in the kitchen.

“Y/n? Don’t you have classes?”

You shrugged, before plopping down at the small kitchen table. “I‘m skipping.”

Wooseok frowned, worry written all over his face. But he didn’t comment on it further.

“Coffee?” He lifted the can, shaking it lightly. 

When you nodded he got your favorite mug from the cupboard and poured you some, just the way he knew you liked it. You briefly wondered if your ex would have known how you drink your coffee.

Wooseok put the steaming mug onto the table in front of you before he sat down as well.

“You look tired,” he mumbled after a while. “Were you able to sleep?”

You shrugged again, not really knowing what to tell him. You’d barely gotten rest but it also felt too much to admit to that fact. “It’s fine.”

He didn’t seem satisfied at all but he didn’t press further.

“I have classes later, do you want me to bring something on the way back?” A small encouraging grin appeared on his lips. “More ice cream?”

Despite feeling miserable, the question got a little chuckle out of you. “I never thought I would say this but I think I’ve had enough ice cream for a while.”

“Alright, anything else? Or uhm—,” he halted, clearly contemplating if it was okay to address this or not before he continued. “Do you need me to pick anything up from his place?”

“No, I don’t have anything left there. Thank you though.”

He nodded. “It’s no problem.”

“Wooseok?”

“Hm?”

“Thank you.”

Wooseok chuckled. “You already said that?”

“No, I mean—thank you for being there for me.”

His eyes looked at you so fondly, it almost made your heart ache a little bit. 

“Of course I am there for you. I—,” he halted. “I’m your friend.”

Somehow the break up was taking a real toll on you. Even though you hadn’t been dating for long, you felt incredibly lonely and there were all kinds of other feelings too that you didn’t want to address. It was a terrible thing to say, but despite the relationship in hindsight not being the best for either of you, you’d been grateful for the distraction it had provided. Now that it was over, you were alone again. Alone in your bed, alone with your thoughts, alone with your stupid feelings for someone you shouldn’t be having feelings for at all.

Your emotional tumult kept you tossing and turning night after night, leaving you tired and exhausted in the mornings.

Wooseok had noticed; you were convinced he had. He kept looking at you with worried eyes, clearly unsure if he should say anything or not. But what was he supposed to say anyway? It’s not like he could solve this.

Struggling to fall asleep yet another night, you eventually peeled yourself out of bed and made your way to the kitchen. Maybe drinking a cup of herbal tea could help you find some rest. You sat down at the table sipping on your tea when you heard a door open and Wooseok’s shuffled steps shortly after that as he followed the source of light to the kitchen.

He eyed you with a drowsy frown. “Why are you awake?”

You shrugged. “Couldn’t sleep. Did I wake you up?”

He ignored your question, the furrows between his eyebrows deepening even more. “You haven’t been sleeping these days, have you?”

You averted your gaze, almost feeling as if he was scolding you. “I’ve just been overthinking a lot.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Wooseok took a seat across from you. “Maybe I could have helped you?”

“How?” You huffed a laugh. “By staying awake as well?”

“I wouldn’t have minded.” 

Judging by Wooseok’s pout, you’d sounded a bit too sarcastic. You blamed it on your lack of sleep but you still felt guilty. You tried your best to soften up a little, giving him your best attempt at a smile when you replied.

“At least one of us should get some decent sleep though.”

“Still,” he shrugged. “We could have come up with a solution together.”

“For example?”

“We could watch a movie until you feel sleepy,” he mumbled, and then even quieter, “or you could sleep in my room…”

“Huh?”

“Just—! Just because it’s easier to sleep when you’re not alone.”

Of course it wasn’t a good idea to agree to this. But recalling how lonely you’d felt in your bed you couldn’t help but think that he had a point. 

“Maybe,” you said reluctantly, your voice barely a whisper. “Maybe we could try that?”

Despite being the one who suggested it, Wooseok seemed completely caught off guard, looking at you with wide, round eyes. He visibly swallowed.

“Seriously?”

“I mean, only if it doesn’t bother you.” You didn’t dare to meet his gaze. “But I guess it was a joke—”

“No,” he interrupted. “It wasn’t a joke.”

Just like that, you found yourself awkwardly standing in Wooseok’s door frame a little later, your pillow and blanket slung over your arm. Wooseok sat on the edge of his mattress, his pillow and blanket shoved to one side to make space for you. You’d been to his room a zillion times before, but it felt so different now, so much more intimate.

“You can come in, you know.”

“Right.” Your whole body felt tense as you stepped inside, closing the door behind you. This was a terrible idea indeed.

You let your pillow and blanket fall onto the mattress before crawling into bed, trying to take up as little space as possible. It was weird, really, because you’d never been this careful around him. You were touching all the time, when you squeezed past him in the kitchen or when the two of you huddled together on the couch. Yet, now just the thought of accidentally touching him made your heart race.

Once you’d settled in, he laid down as well, looking stiff as a board.

“I’ll turn the light off,” he commented, already reaching out for the switch of his bedside lamp.

“Right,” you replied once more.

For a moment you just laid in his bed, side by side staring into the darkness. You didn’t turn around to look at him, but you knew he wasn’t asleep. He seemed tense, and you had a feeling he wanted to say something, but it took ages until he finally spoke up. His voice was barely audible, something that didn’t happen often when it came to Wooseok. Still, you heard him just fine.

“Can I ask you something?” 

“Sure.”

“Did you—Do you love him?”

“I—,” you started, instinctively wanting to tell him that yes, you did, you do. But you stopped yourself in favor of being honest. What was the use of lying about this, especially now that it was over anyway? 

“No. But I thought maybe I could.”

“Is that why you dated him? Because you wanted to fall in love with him?”

“Is that so wrong?”

“No, it’s just—I don’t get it. Shouldn’t it come naturally?”

When you turned to look at him, his gaze was already on you, his eyes big and round in the halflight of the room. 

“You can’t force yourself to fall in love. You can’t force yourself to fall out of love either.”

For a moment you felt unsettled. Did he catch you? Did he realize your feelings? Unsure what to make of it, you just stared at him through the darkness without replying.

“I’m just saying—,” he added, breaking eye contact. “You don’t have to try so hard.”

You swallowed, your mouth feeling dry. “Yeah,” you whispered. “Thank you.”

He didn't say anything after that and eventually his breathing got slow and even. You couldn't sleep though. His words kept you awake, filling you with a longing for things to be easy, natural, as he'd said. 

"I did it for you too, you know," you almost unconsciously mumbled into the silence, well aware that Wooseok was already sleeping.

Except he wasn’t.

"What do you mean?"

Your eyes widened at the sound of gis raspy voice and you instinctively sat up, ready to escape. "No," you quickly pressed out, "nothing. Maybe I should—"

Before you could say anything about going back to your own room, you felt Wooseok's hand on your own. He wasn't holding onto you and you could have easily pulled away, but it felt warm and comforting covering your own.

"What do you mean?" he asked again.

You let a beat pass by, unsure if you should be honest with them. As though he sensed your indecisiveness, Wooseok gave your hand a little squeeze. 

"What did you do for me?" His voice was so soft, you could barely hear it.

"Dating," you whispered. "Dating him."

You thought you saw him frown. "How could that have been for me?"

You felt a lump in your throat that made it hard to speak. But you'd already been this honest, maybe it was for the best to just lay it all out in the open.

"To get over you," you pressed out.

It was silent. You felt his gaze on you but you didn't dare to look at him. The mattress dipped a little as he sat up too, his hand still on yours. "Why?"

"Because I—," you started but Wooseok wasn’t done yet.

"Why did you think you had to get over me?" He almost sounded sad, and then he definitely did when he tentatively added: "Did it work?"

When you finally turned to look at him, there was desperation in his eyes but maybe also just the tiniest bit of hope.

"No," you admitted. "Not at all."

He let out a sigh you thought was relief as he let his head drop onto your shoulder, just to look up a second later with big black eyes. "Don't try again."

You felt your heart stop at the implication of his words. 

"Why would you try that, when all I wanted all this time was for you to see me?" He still didn’t avert his eyes and neither did you.

"I did," you leaned into him, resting your forehead against his. "I do,” you added.

He tilted his chin up, the tiniest bit, making the tip of his nose touch yours. You saw the way his gaze dropped to your lips and you felt his breath on your skin. You swallowed, your whole body thrumming with nerves. Your eyes searched his for something, and even though you weren’t sure what it was exactly, you thought you found it. You leaned in to kiss him in the same moment that he did, your teeth clashing for a brief moment. You chuckled and he chuckled too, and then you leaned in again, no teeth this time, just lips and love and butterflies.

You didn't remember how or when you'd fallen asleep. You didn't think you'd been wrapped up in Wooseok's long limbs then as you were now, but you couldn't be too sure. It took you a second to realize where you were and who it was that was koala-hugging you, and then another second to remember yesterday's conversations. You glanced over at his peacefully sleeping face at your side, not a trace of the desperation there that you'd seen at night. It hadn’t been a mere dream, right?

You tried to peel yourself out of his grasp, but Wooseok wouldn't let you go, making a whiny noise in complaint. Defeated, you let yourself relax back into the pillow, soaking up his warmth until he woke up.

You thought he'd be flustered once he'd wake up, and maybe he was, but he still didn't let go, instead nuzzling closer and hiding his face in the crook of your neck.

"That tickles," you said with a giggle. The little sorry he mumbled into your skin tickled even more.

You felt giddy, your stomach filled with butterflies at this display of affection, but at the same time there was a sense of insecurity. What did it all mean exactly? Of course you knew what you wanted it to mean, but was Wooseok on the same plate?

“Wooseok?”

“Hm?” He lifted his head to look at you. His eyes were sleepy and his black hair tousled.

“What now?”

He frowned in confusion. “Breakfast, I guess?”

“No, I mean—what do we do now? About us.”

“So, no breakfast?” He asked and you gave him a little roll of your eyes.

“I’m being serious, you know.”

“I’m also serious,” he replied, and then in a little whisper added, “About us, about you.”

“So we’re doing this, huh? Dating, I mean.”

“Yeah.”

You felt your chest tighten. “We’re not going to mess this up, right?”

He pulled you closer, nuzzling back into your neck. “No. We’re not. We’ll be okay.”

 You smiled and closed your eyes as you relaxed into his arms. “Okay.”

“Where are you going?” Wooseok asked, wrapping his arms around you from behind and resting his chin on top of your head, watching through the mirror as you fixed your makeup. 

“Meeting with Claire and them,” you said. You hesitated for a moment before adding, “you can come along, if you want.”

You saw surprise flash through his eyes. After all, you’d never asked him to come along before. But you’d figured now that he already knew about your feelings for him, there wasn’t really any reason to keep him away from your friends anymore. 

“Hm,” he hummed as if he was contemplating. “Not today, I’m in a couch mood.”

You chuckled. “Another time then.”

“I’ll wait for you.”

“I’ll be late, though.”

“I’ll wait.” 

Memories of the way he’d fallen asleep on the couch last time, worried since you’d forgotten your phone, crossed your mind, and you wondered if you’d find him just the same way tonight. Except, this time you wouldn’t have someone else’s number in your pocket and you wouldn't shake off his hand if he reached out to you.

Masterlist

[kybelles]

hi love! I'm feeling devious so for the choose violence asks, 24 and 25

HIII BABY 💞💞 i sincerely hope you don’t mind me answering everything via your ask 🥹 i just didn’t want to spam the tl with my non-stop posting!

1.the character everyone gets wrong

JOKASTE!!! 😩 sooo many times in fan creations she’s a mustache twirling villain and look i get it! she needs to go in order to lamen to be together but i don’t know why each time she needs to cheat on damen…. people can break up for other reasons yk…..

i feel like people don’t really get how much jokaste holds damen in such a high regard. the first time she talked to laurent she was full of praises for damen and yes although the majority of the reason was to taunt laurent, it was too heartfelt to be faked entirely. i find her a quite tragic character honestly. in another world she would be proud and happy to be to be damen’s queen 🙁 i wish more ppl cared about her OR stop portraying her as this cold unfeeling girlboss who was sooo sick of damen’s bs that she punished him by gleefully fucking kastor….. i really really don’t think that’s who she is. she loved damen in her own way. she was also a sentimental woman. (her last letter to damen will never make me not emotional….)

3.screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

SCREENSHOT OMG hats off to any brave soul who actually posts it….. also the collection on bad takes is so rich idk what to choose… ok i got one: so i genuinely don’t remember the details but a few years ago there was a post circulating about how laurent was actually Good All Along (yes even in book one where he drugged damen and then threw him into a rape ring and also had him whipped after intentionally setting him up 🙂 ) and it had so many likes…. i’ll never ever understand the need to whitewash book 1 laurent’s actions. like why do you even stan a controversial character if you don’t like his controversial aspects…. i really believe this is quite the disservice to such a multidimsensional character like laurent. :/

7.what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how the fandom acts about them?

hmm i wouldn’t say hate but some posts i read about auguste made me sorta dislike him  😬 idk when and where i read it but there was one post in particular that said they wish auguste would come back to life and beat the shit out of damen and i was like WOAHHH??? you want the mc (who you spent three books with) to be beaten brutally by some canon fodder?? for what crime???  i was honestly weirded out.

there’s also the fact that i genuinely HATE l*uguste (despite not being an anti shipper in general or anything! this ship just rubs me the worst way bc laurent experienced so much trauma from the way ppl made up incest rumors about him and auguste) so any interpretation (even if they aren’t written as a romantic pair intentionally) where auguste and laurent have this unhealthy codependent bond with auguste acting like a ferocious caveman to any potential romantic suitor of laurent and laurent being all meek and allowing this treatment is a big no for me. ✋ so yes even tho i don’t hate auggie boy i can’t say i care a great deal about him. sorry baby i’m sure you are just dandy.

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

that damen is an unreliable narrator 😩i talked about it in my previous post!

12.the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

EGERIA THE MF QUEEN OF AKIELOS 🗣️🗣️ i actually like every member of the akielos trio (theomedes-hypermenestra-egeria) sm because their situation reminds me of turkish harem dramas. 🤭 the lack of canon information about them allows me to make various hcs and backstories and idk i just think it’s fun!

13.worst blorboficiation

JFC i’m SOOOO old i’m ANCIENT bc i have no idea what this means….. i’d be happy to answer it if you give me some clarification (hiding my face in shame)

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

oh luckily i already answered it here!

17.there should be more of this type of fic/art

I’m always a huge advocate for bottomianos even though i myself shamefully haven’t made a contribution 💔 as for art i’m beyond grateful for our wonderful artists and i humbly would like to see more of the old gang! (theo, egeria, aleron, hennike etc.)

21.part of canon you think is overhyped

hmm i unfortunately can’t think of an answer for this one, i’m sorry!

24.topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

OH DEAR… so one of the first times i actively participated in the fandom i made a post about how frustrating it was to see theomedes portrayed as an absent father despite the glaring lack of canon evidence while aleron got off the hook much easier despite laurent actually confirming he was an absentee and said i think it was about the way people perceive them (theomedes=brown and toxic, aleron=white and tastefully distant) anyways, some user whom i never talked to before (and they’re still blocked to this day despite the fact i pretty much never block anyone here) said i was “making it up” and right after i blocked them after they continued talking to me in a very rude manner some asks ✨mysteriously✨ appeared in my inbox and the person who sent them called me an “illiterature white bitch” who made up nonexistent drama…….. so yes i guess the colorism issue really ruffles some people’s feathers :) i wonder why :) 

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

“why didn’t damen figure out the regent’s abuse of laurent sooner is he stupid” setting aside the 574619 different pacat interviews where she talks about how damen needed to be oblivious bc otherwise laurent would never open up to him, why is it so wild to think damen wouldn’t assume the regent would do something like that to his own nephew? as if the entire canon events didn’t happen bc damen believed families would never hurt each other…. just wow

[heartyearning]

☀️ SUMMER READING WRAP UP ☀️

i read like 30+ books in july & august & wanted to do a quick little summary of that here bc i read some absolute bangers. in no partic order + these are only the good ones bc i dont need to talk about [title redacted bc im nice]

headshot by rita bullwinkel: i got this in a bookstore near my sister's art uni & you could tell it was an artunibookstore bc there were so many books i'd never heard of but this one is SO up my alley. it's about a group of teenage girls in a boxing competition and follows each of their matches from the perspectives of the girls. they don't talk to each other so they each have this really skewed vision of the other person, especially considering that there's a competitive aspect to what they're doing anyway & the fact that none of these girls feel like they're respected in their day-to-day lives. if you're a teen following me you NEED to pick up this book, i felt like it so perfectly encapsulates that feeling of being 15-17 esp if you're socialised as a girl. everything is both grandiose and gritty at the same time, these girls have FEELINGS pouring out of their ears and it is so so so well written. absolutely loved it. also look at this cover:

LOVED!

big swiss by jen beagin: this is kind of in the same vein as headshot & generally in the same vein of a lot of general fiction i've been into lately. i've known about it for a while but did wonder whether it was worth getting it / whether it would do more than just scratch the itch that i already had scratched after reading headshot & let me tell you it absolutely did. big swiss follows a transcriber of a new york sex therapist who accidentally meets and becomes involved with one of his patients. greta, the protagonist, has got a lot of weird habits and thought-patterns but since the book is written from her pov it's easy to go along with the idea that this all isn't THAT weird until it really starts to be reflected back at her through other people when big swiss starts talking about her in the therapy sessions greta transcribes and onwards. it's really good, i also love that greta's a bit older than a lot of the protagonists in books like these that i've read. i also love this cover with the painting on it but i personally had a copy with an illustration of big swiss & greta's dogs (even tho piñon was brown on the cover, not black, but i'm letting it go) which was very cute as well.

chouette by claire oshetsky: iykyk. this book is really good for many reasons but let me introduce it by saying it was good because it handles a VERY tricky subject matter and does so with incredible grace. chouette follows the birth and childhood of chouette, an owl-baby which came about after Tiny had sex with her female owl lover in a dream. (i don't have my copy with me rn but the opening line is something along the lines of "it was a shock to me when i discovered i was pregnant after i dreamt i had sex with an owl lover, especially because my owl lover was a woman." <- that but like. good writing. i wish i could remember the phrasing better) in this book the concept of an "owl baby" is actually a stand in for having a child with mental development issues. chouette is an owl-baby in a world of dog-children, that sort of thing. i was very cautious when reading this book bc it's told from the pov of tiny, who doesn't always love being a mother (and i'm sensitive about that topic so i didn't really know how i'd respond to this) and also the subject matter in general can go wrong in so many different ways. chouette is really good though, at no point does tiny think of her daughter as being anything other than who she is. she's not some genius savant nor is she broken & in need of fixing. she's simply a baby / young toddler with her own needs and desires and her own personality. very sweet, very emotional book. music plays a big role in this book (again, iykyk) and there's an accompanying playlist which i ended up not listening to bc i didn't have wifi but i do also like that aspect of it.

we go around in the night & are consumed by fire by jules grant: pros of moving in with someone who used to work in publishing & book selling: i now have access to a bunch of new books i've never heard of before. we go around in the night is an incredible book about an all-female gang in manchester (at least i think its manchester, i do not recall) and how they deal when one of their members is shot and killed. the plot and concept themselves are really good but what stands out especially is the writing style which is in part stream of consciousness and in a larger part just very particular to the pov character & how their mind works. we follow the povs of the head of the gang and the daughter of the woman who was killed. it's very emotional, very rough to read bc it deals so much with grief and also it's so intimate because with the way it's written you just feel so deeply inside the characters' minds. really cool.

fantasy break: i reread all of my branderson books (or at least the cosmere ones), so that's the first mistborn trilogy, warbreaker & the first 4 stormlights. not gonna summarise those indiv bc i'm pretty sure none of my followers on this blog give a fuck but i am actually very pleased to have re-read them bc 1. i love them and 2. it's made the scope of the cosmere a bit more understandable again. also i get very emotional about fantasy & cried like a baby at the end of mistborn & also at the end of oathbringer. and at the middle of rhythm of war. when adolin's in shadesmar with maya? yeah. sobbing.

little, big by john crowley: i listened to this on audiobook every day for about 2 weeks as i walked my dogs and did my chores and what have you. this audiobook is 24 hours long and usually that's my limit on audiobook length, anything longer than that & i start to check out mentally, but i could honestly listen to little, big forever. if you don't know it's this multi-generational novel about faeries and a family involved with them tangentially through the contact one of the early women had with faeries when she lived in the uk. it's a book about an american family though and though the faeries are ever-present in the actions and consequences that befall this family, it's so much more about love. familial love, romantic love, love for a place, love. it's absolutely incredible and read by the author who has the most wonderful accent (maine, i believe?) which just transports you even more into the world of these people. i'm generally all for a novel read by a trained & skilled narrator, not the author (reading is a skill) but john crowley does a very good job and anyway i didn't mind it when voices sounded alike because you understood who was speaking anyway just by what they were saying and anyway it's a family so it's okay if they sound similar. truly such a wonderful experience, i really loved this book.

others i read and just want to quickly mention: giovanni's room, gut symmetries, the book of elsewhere (i love china miéville etc etc), edinburgh (by alexander chee) & a couple more but these are the ones that i enjoyed most / got most out of

[chewydolls]

QSMP x Ever After High characters that remind me of them

Quackity x Duchess Swann

Bitchy ™

Quackity/ElQ and White Swan/Black Swan parallels

Yearning for romantic love

Resented guys who think they were doomed from the start to be unlovable, cursed to stay at the sideline watching with jealousy as their peers get the happy ending they could never hope to achieve

They actually have the means to take agency over their fate, but this requires some healing and introspection that the respective villains from their worlds are direct or indirectly preventing them from doing

Still, happiness most likely won't come in the way they fantasize bout

Feathers? Birbs??? Idk

Jaiden x Briar Beauty

They're both associated with roses

Their arcs are shaped by grief: in Briar's case the certainty of outliving all her friends makes her mourn the life she knows while they're still alive; and Jaiden was deeply shaken by Bobby's death

That doesn't stop them from aligning themselves with the very oppresive organization that stood by and let the tragedy happen, but:

a) They are hurt and going with what is familiar to them

b) They will be chaotic af about it

Agent of chaos aligning with Order can you picture that

They're bffs with figures that uphold the status quo, to varying degrees of how much power they actually have in the grand scheme of things (Cucurucho and Apple)

Isolation is a big theme in the Sleeping Beauty story, and that resonates a lot with Jaiden's arc and how she got close to Cucurucho at her lowest point vs how Briar tries to stay loyal to the Royals even when it hurts her and her closest friends, because Apple is her bestie and was always there for her

Roier x Briar Beauty (again)

A mimir

The whole Animations family is very Briar-coded, actually

Everything I said about Briar's grief works for him, especially the part of mourning people who are still alive bc the threat of being the last person standing weights over them

Just... the concept of being the last person alive as your kingdom is ruined and the vines break the beautiful stained glass of your castle and your bed is covered in thorns ✨️

"Living in fear is not living" vs "If I'm gonna sleep for a hundred years, I've got to live it up now!"

They're so good at keeping a "silly guy" act that few people can tell when they're actually sad

Outgoing and charismatic personality but still end up feeling isolated

Special little guy shipped with the confrontational, off-putting little freak (Spiderbit, Briar/Faybelle)

Pac x Blondie Lockes

I'll give it to you they're not that similar but:

Chisme? Gossip?? Fofoca???

Pros at breaking and entering

Drawn to scary creatures with sharp teeth

Cellbit x Alistair Wonderland

You thought I was gonna pair him with Raven, right? Wrong!

Men only know how to do 3 things: solve puzzles, play chess and be absolutely smitten for their partners

Came to the island/eah by accident and immediately got in the nerves of the authorities

Both were abandoned in a dangerous land by the people who later became their found family (not his friends fault, in Alistair's case, totally justifiable in Cellbit's)

In the unlikely scenario where I did pair him with Raven, Felps would 100% be his Maddie, k?

Felps x Maddie Hatter

I'm not doing 1:1 crossover but Alistair/Cell being besties with Maddie/Felps works too i guess

Chaotic, unpredictable, barely comprehensible, they will encourage their bffs to be the best version of themselves while also enabling them to do the dumbest shit possible

Part of a weird polycule that by all means shouldn't be there but they decided to make it everyone else's problem

Signature Food (pasta/tea)

Tina x Cerise Hood

Deeply self-conscious about their identity, hiding under a semblance of innocence so no one notices their monstrous/demon heritage

Actively hiding a part of themselves (horns/ears)

Despite that, they still instigate their friends to be unhinged, as long as they can be on their good side

[sporkberries]

I want to hear your foxhound headcanons

GHHHHHHH okay this is rough bc idek where to start bc so much stuff in my head is built on other things so ig ill lay out some of em:

- snavid canonically is recruited into foxhound after the gulf war so some time after 1991. fox calls him a rookie in mg1 so i like to think he joined in '94 or '95 so any pre outer heaven foxhound event he's like.... 22 or 23. this isnt really that important but timelines are important to me bc i have problems.

- big boss is the boss at foxhound, venom snake is at outer heaven the whole time. that being said bb does go to africa a lot and loves skipping out on foxhound work but hes not the one running outer heaven day to day. on a similar note i just want to say that imo sniper wolf's "saladin" is venom snake.

- BB is in charge of foxhound but he's notoriously awful to work with. he plays hooky a lot and isnt the most friendly especially to high ranking members of other military branches. unfortunately foxhound brings good results and bb is bb so nobody really calls him on it. tensions within foxhound as well as between government organizations are incredibly tense.

- foxhound is a relatively small operation in terms of numbers. its really the elite of the elite yk so its not massive. BB Campbell Fox and Miller are thus the major players in terms of internal politics, with the power going in about that order. fox is essentially bb's direct right hand and does everything he wants. miller is the opposite trying to ruin bb from the inside and campbell's stuck between a rock and a hard place, he'll always defer to and inevitably agree with bb but a part of him does know something is wrong and he lives with that guilt for the rest of his life.

- kaz is a trans woman about 90% of the time when i refer to anything foxhound related. in some niche corners of my head she isnt but the vast majority of the time shes some sort of transfem wether it be more nonbinary or just a binary trans woman.

- in my weird delusion snavid's relationship with miller parallels bb's and the bosses. snavid looks up to miller and values her a lot, accepting her word above most others with maybe only the big boss hero worship exception. miller initially only wants to manipulate snavid(who keep in mind is a foster kid who never really had any stable relationships or guiding figures in his life) but she does end up genuinely caring about him which makes her feel incredibly guilty that she's manipulating him into committing patricide. not that the guilt stops her tho lol.

- on a similar note miller can sometimes be incredibly callous or cruel to david but this is largely in moments where snavid sounds too much like bb and its an almost involuntary violent response.

- in mg2 it was said that campbell also attained the title of fox alongside grey fox, going by chicken fox. this is retconned in mgs1 but i keep it in my hc.

- ocelot is a member of foxhound but i think he sticks a lot on the dl. putting things into order for bb as well as dealing with the recent collapse of the soviet union which is why hes not mentioned much here(i dont remember if the soviet union had collapsed at the same time as irl bc mg1 and 2 were released in the 80's but its implied to be the same when the solid games release so???)

- fox and snake are friendly towards eachother but not necessarily close, its the outer heaven incident that really solidifies their warrior bond or whatever. they are aware of eachother before that though and fox does have a passing interest in david even sparring with him a few times. however its one of those situations where they just miss eachother. sometimes tho i like to make them close anyways or make them meet in the gulf war first bc ily snox.... this one changes a lot depending on if i wanna adhere to canon or be rlly self indulgent.

- in terms of fox hound internal politics bb is bb. fox listens to bb and tolerates campbell. fox and miller do not get a long at all. miller does not get along with bb. and campbell and miller are kinda friends but in a co worker way.

- i think bb finds it incredibly funny to irritate kaz and make his life worse. kaz not liking bb is foxhounds worst kept secret and even recruits can kinda tell that kaz doesnt like bb. kaz for the most part is capable of keeping up appearances but bb enjoys antagonizing kaz so she'll get upset and then be publicly humiliated or seen as hysterical. its just a really awful work environment and the fact there's still sexual tension makes it even worse. foxhound desperately needs an hr department.

- i have some vagueeeee ocs in my head who are in training with snavid but they arent super concrete and mostly exist as background characters anyways

- i feel like grey fox is the type of guy to take his co workers lunch out of the fridge and eat it even if there is a note

[abyssmalice]

// 4.2 story genshin spoilers

(alright everyone...................... time for my story Thonkies)

(so overall: it was a p good story, i feel like it wrapped up fontaine's overall story well enough.

emphasis on "well enough" bc i do feel like some parts of it were very, uh, how do i put it. "bullshitty" is a harsh word but there were def moments, especially when it was dropping exposition, that felt like the writers were kinda just pulling things out of their ass in order to explain things and therefore come up with a solution to conclude everything. in the vein of "X thing exists!! we're just telling you it exists Now, like 5 mins into the finale, without almost zero buildup to it" sort of vibe.

at least, i think i need to go over the prophecy and the heavenly principles stuff with a fine-toothed comb again later........ because the exposition on that felt very "just take us at our word for it" like when you think about it, How does the heavenly principles actually enact the prophecy? especially when the story outright throws a "the root of the prophecy's effects is the whale"?? the implication is that the prophecy and all it entails is "fated", and thus, it's not that the heavens literally orchestrated the whale and stuff (well unless they want to prove me wrong on that in the next couple of AQs) - but that they have the ability to manipulate or enforce "fate". the "law" of the world and all that bs essentially. and fontaine's fate was meant to be that prophecy, leaving the finer details up to whatever actually happens.

BUT THIS STILL TAKES A BIT OF THINKING TO FIGURE OUT AND ALSO KINDA FEELS WEIRDLY OUT OF NOWHERE AND ITS LIKE, AS A WRITER I THINK IT'S COOL BUT ALSO GOD DAMN DID IT FEEL LIKE IT CAME OUT OF JUST NOWHERE-

anyway, this isn't to say the AQ was bad. no, i honestly think it was really good, i genuinely liked it, even if i feel like the execution of some parts was. weird. essentially lmao

.

ANYWAY THATS MY ONLY REAL MAJOR GRIPE, LET ME GET INTO THE STUFF I ENJOYED THE HELL OUT OF:

aka fuwina........... ;A;

like ok girl, you win, ill roll for you. i am so fucking rolling for you once i have the primos-

the entire "acting" scene by scene.......... oh my god, it was so good, you really feel for her. i was utterly bawling my eyes out the entire time, personally. also idk about the other languages, but jp furina takes the fucking cake for me - all of her dialogue where she isn't putting up a front is voiced so softly, almost childishly—it really hammers in the point that furina really was, as focalors put it, "naive and inexperienced as my first day as a human" when first created - she was split into existence and purposefully left clueless on some knowledge (like focalors' plan for the prophecy) and lacking in any magical powers that could be considered godlike, hence human, and not-all-knowing or all-powerful as a god. a true human, a newborn young human.

in essence, a child thrust into the role of acting as something more than that, with dire consequences if that role was not played to perfection, with seemingly no end; any normal person would be crumbling under such weight, and furina more so as someone who, in the context of her own situation, didn't even know what the "plan" entailed besides what focalors' said - all she had was pure turned desperate belief that it would turn out okay because the other-her said so.

(i can already hear tonitoni awkwardly trying to share a juice box in the back of my brain.............. something something the solidarity of young girls thrust into positions of power without quite knowing what they were getting into years down the line but they knew there was something on the line and they would do what they can for those they loved and a god looked upon them and said, follow what i say, and everything will be well-)

anyway i havent played furina's story quest yet so thats all the fuwina thonks i have, but i sure hope it doesnt make me bawl again........

.

my other big thonks def have to do with the whale and the events around it (of course they do, what kinda blog is this again? tonitoni blog? yes and no)

i think the fight was pretty cool, tho i want to know why the actual hell we fought. that thing. inside the whale. besides the rule of cool factor. like is there a reason that was in there in the first place?? also why do some of its aoe attacks look like vishaps are trying to attack you.................... hey, what's going on here man......................

also the way skirk tosses not just choldee but also the whale into an abyssal-looking crack. like, ill get to childe in a second, but let me focus on how she actually just sucks the whale into a suspiciously quantum-looking ball before tossing it aside. (please tell me we're getting a quantum element. bc. maybe. that. that means. i-imaginary element.................. PLEASE I WANT TO GIVE MY TONIS AN EXCUSE TO SECRETLY HAVE EITHER QUANTUM OR IMAGINARY AS ONE OF THEIR ELEMENTS PLEAAAAAAASE-)

and skirk herself is still a pretty mysterious character, despite all the lore dumping she did. p much the only primary things strictly related to her character is that: 1) she has her own greater-scope master 2) is very much strength-focused (300 million swings........... yeah, i see where childe gets it now), 3) and bc of said views on the strong and the weak, she will only consider others her equal (and therefore, humor them at all) if they display truly exceptional strength (see: "without using powers from beyond this world")

(this also makes me think skirk would not even bother to blink at smol toni, but may in fact consider tol toni at least somewhat "an equal" due to that toni surviving millennia in the abyss due to a mixture of insanely stubborn determination + her actual elemental powers come purely from the leylines/irminsul and nothing else, so any honed skill is both technique and teyvat-related power. thooooo, considering the lore also says that the primordial one created the human realm and its leylines (which should implicate the irminsul too, considering it's also found in the abyss aka beyond the world itself??), well....... god fucking knows on that one really.

FUCK I WISH THE LORE ON LEYLINES AND IRMINSUL WASNT SO MESSED UP IN LOGIC!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS MESSING ME UP AS SOMEONE WHOSE MUSES' LORE RELIES ON THIS!!!!!!!)

anyway, i really want to know the logic behind her just. throwing childe. into the hole along with mr whale in a ball. im guessing, the implication is that it's just like, a random abyssal portal that will presumably spit out the whale into an abyssal garbage dump while childe will be sent somewhere he can be retrieved (and taken back to snezhnaya, thank god, tonitoni would never let him hear the end of it if her brother got thrown into ANOTHER unreachable destination after two AQs of being thrown into jail and then into a sealed sea).

still a weird jarring moment though, i agree with everyone on that........... really weird.

BUT HEY, AT LEAST WE HAVE WORD FOR WORD DIALOGUE SAYING CHILDE IS SUPER STRONG AND FOUGHT THAT STUPID WHALE FOR AGES ESSENTIALLY, i want no more complaints on how strong and cool he is (i am saying this bc toni will never say it but i know she'd want to say it but would hate saying it so im saying it for her)

.

there's some more stuff i wanna say, esp re: the third descender and the gnosis stuff, + some extra thonkies about "fate" esp in the context of my tonitonis. and with the fontaine AQ wrapped up here, i can probs start to safely figure out the full fontaine timeline for smol toni - but ill leave all that in a separate thonkie post)

[winemom-culture]

My endocrinology appointment wasn’t good and I’m sad

My heart rate and blood pressure were both high. These things, weight loss, and my eye symptoms were the initial symptoms of my Grave’s back 2 years ago. So my doctor was like… I think you might be hyperthyroid again based on your heart.

But I don’t really know if my heart is a great metric. Bc like, my heart rate is always high. Especially at the doctor when I get anxious. I told her this, but in order to consider it not related to the thyroid she wants to see my bloodwork (expected) and a cardiologist work up. Which, that part feels a little excessive to me when I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong I just have a little bird heart. Arrhythmia runs very heavily on my dads side but it gives them problems with palpitations, I don’t really have those often, just like a fast baseline constantly. When I first got diagnosed with Grave’s my HR could’ve been 130-40 easy RESTING, so I sorta feel like 120 while anxious (what it was today) is relatively better? When I’m at home it definitely feels like normal until I exert. She’s like “You have to stay on beta blocker until you get your heart under 80 bpm” and I’m like lol. No offense but my heart is like never consistently under 80 even on the beta blockers 🥲 beta blockers became a big crutch to me last year and I feel like getting off them made me feel weird even though they are non-addictive I am semi-convinced that’s why I became so hyperfixated on my heart in my big anxiety spiral in 2021. I really don’t want back on them….

The thing I’m definitely NOT experiencing now is weight loss. I did the math and I’m like 80 pounds heavier then when I started going to her in 2020. And she has said that is from the thyroid medicine. Not that the medicine is bad, it’s doing it’s job of blocking thyroid hormone, but in turn that slows my metabolism a lot. I’ve tried to express my concerns about the constant weight gain, the fact that I feel like a ravenous monster, that I just can’t get a grip on it at multiple past appointments and I feel like she kinda brushes that off, always just “so anyways about that heart…..”

So now I get blood work next week for a moment of truth to see what the deal is. If I’m hyperthyroid I have to get back on my meds and probably consider surgery to take it out (that I don’t have time, money or a support system for- because my parents would be against this. That’s a whole other insane can of worms.) OR I am still in a balanced thyroid state but have to go figure out what’s wrong with my heart.

My health OCD is immediately revving up about being alone at my place, like “you don’t want to be alone all the time with high heart rate and blood pressure do you? What if you stroke out and die? Right there where you’re sitting?” Which is funny, ‘cause yesterday I didn’t know any better and was perfectly fine being alone, while presumably in the exact same boat healthwise. Ignorance was bliss

I’m feel like I’m gaining like 5 pounds every time I step on a scale and it’s so frustrating and upsetting, I literally have to get it figured out and under control this year. I’m totally just overwhelmed and don’t know how to start or how to truly stick to it. I cried my whole way home and I’m getting myself worked up again venting this out. Hope I can keep that pain fresh in my mind as motivation. Real meltdown hours. I don’t want all these problems at 26. It’s making me think about stuff down the road, what if I decide in 2 or 3 years I do want to have another kid after all? I genuinely don’t think as it is right now I would be medically advised to try. It only gets more high-risk as I get older. The thyroid and fertility/complications go hand in hand. It’s like, y’know, that’s awhile down the road there’s still time, but I’m 2 years out from initial diagnosis and as of right now I feel much more vaguely unhealthy in a general sense than I did then.

I just wish there were a more receptive endo around here but as far as I can tell from looking in the past, this office is really the best we got rn.

[ess-presso]

hello ess !

that fic rec sounds wonderful im v excited to read :) my turn: paper rings by apricusapollo (zar just reblogged this rec so maybe u already saw it but it sounds so good) but for good measure heres another: 10 things i (dont) hate about you by kjms (jegulus 10 things i hate about you au)

tay time <3 i almost do, today was a fairytale, & forever & always !

chatty time!

that line about harry becoming RAPIDLY obsessed with draco will never not make me feel insane. how did jkr (derogatory) even write that it sounds like something from a fic fr.

your star converse sound so cool, i think ive seen someone wearing the same ones around and they were so cute. i love them

i love the trojan horse & the story of troy too <3 it was prob one of the first myths i learned and the rest is history. also did u know that some people thought the trojan horse was REAL? like. people in my GREEK MYTHOLOGY course. maybe thts just a common misconception or something but idk. i find it very funny

little women 2019 is SO good. i love the entire cast sm and the vibes are just astronomical.

jumanji is SO fucking funny. ill never not lose my shit at the weapons valet part its just. so dumb i love it

americans being a novelty there is SO funny. youd think that they wouldnt be here in canada but oh. they so are. i think a lot of americans (at least west coast americans where our accents are fairly similar) think canadians are like. identical to them. but that is so wrong we habitually will make fun of anyone with an american license plate up in canada.

my cats! the oldest is named pixie. (she was really tiny when we got her & i was obsessed with fairies when i was younger lol) and ive had her since kindergarten. so like a LONG time. shes a mean old lady now but i love her. the other two are siblings! theyre a few years old but still act like kittens & their names are mike and el (yes after the stranger things characters i dont wanna talk about it) which is very unfitting because the cats are SIBLINGs but the characters are in a relationship. (for the record i suggested artemis and apollo as names but was swiftly shut down. i have a family of haters)

and yes we dont get snow here. at least my part of canada. i live at pretty much sea-level on the coast so its just rain sadly. but pretty much like. every other part of canada will see snow in the winter at some point or another !

and pansy x percy? wait i kinda love that. never wouldve thought of them together but they actually sound cute.

fuck james marry sirius and KILL remus?? honestly respect. (and "mummy's got a job to do" REAL LMAO)

and omg starting with the silmarillion? that is BOLD. i havent even touched that book yet. from what ive gathered via osmosis i think it can almost be read as an encyclopedia for tolkien's world. so its just a lot. godspeed with that!

and yes. the shadowhunters chronicles is based on hp fanfic. BUT i read somewhere it was actually draco x ginny so every day i pray thats true. (hey another rarepair) but fear not the series is actually good. and theres like a million sequel & prequel series within it so you dont really have time to think about the incest .

and yes podg! the movie with ben barnes is a HORRIBLE adaptation. like its so different from the book so beware. but its still mildly entertaining bc ben barnes is gorgeous so.

"drunk procrastinator" being ur movie title is so real. cue me every weekend when i have a big paper to write or something.

and yes! cats! you should get one. they will change your life i swear.

the amortentia trope is SO good. i eat it up every time. same with the veritaserum. bonus points if theyre doing a veritaserum drinking game/truth or dare>>>

thats actually a pretty useful weird talent. running late and need breakfast? cereal.

and yes! thats a gas station order! your best friend being your chauffeur REAL. i dont drive so my best friend is my chauffeur & im the gps & dj.

poppies & lavender are so nice. i have a ton of lavender in my garden and its so nice in the summer when it blooms. hydrangeas are so pretty too. the colours are absolutely gorgeous

pluto! i love pluto sm. one of my fav planets (i refuse to say dwarf planet. shes not a dwarf in my heart shes huge) aside from maybe neptune.

and oh my god. a phone call during a funeral? the ring tone being BABY GOT BACK? idk how you survived. i would have been mortified i could never show my face again.

saxophone is so nice. sometimes all you need is some smooth jazz and a massive glass of wine or something.

answering questions time:

poutine! omg im so glad you asked me this question. in short its just french fries covered in gravy and cheese curds. a lot of people think it sounds gross/think it looks gross (it does look...questionable sometimes) but i SWEAR its so good. very good comfort food & and strangely good when you go to the movies.

unpopular marauders opinion......hmm. maybe that barty would be well suited as a ravenclaw? i know his house has never been confirmed but he canonically got 12 OWLS so the boy is SMART plus he SLAYED being the DADA prof. (not that other houses arent smart. u know what i mean) (but i still love him in the slytherin gang. they have my whole heart)

unpopular opinion about life: its okay to be weird and just silly sometimes. some people are just so caught up in being "normal" that they forget that we're all just. people. like its okay to be silly and live our lives the way we want! (maybe not an unpopular opinion but i know there are people out there that are just. really stuck up & could do well to remember this LOL)

dream car - i dont drive so IDK LOL but ive always liked colourful cars. like give me a bright red or forest green or cobalt blue car. theres a SEVERE lack of colourful cars on the road nowadays its so sad.

i havent seen the apprentice! i dont watch a lot of reality tv in general but from what youve told me about it i might have to check it out cause it sounds entertaining.

i totally believe in soulmates both platonic and romantic. like theres gonna be people you meet in your life that youll click with instantly and theyll become a part of u in a way even if you drift apart etc. like my best friend is prob my platonic soulmate. ive known her for quite literally my entire life (i think i was only a few months old when i met her) and shes literally my sister .

hidden talent: maybe not exactly a hidden talent but im really good at geoguessr ! oh also i can untie almost any knot. i guess thats more of a hidden talent. kinda useless but really handy when my converse laces arent cooperating.💪

favourite villain: prob either loki or darth vader. in a way theyre both anti-heros and i personally love morally grey characters so🫶

ive never had my heart broken! i probably internalized effy's "nobody breaks my heart" from skins too much so. i simply dont let myself get close enough to people so i dont get hurt. works every time👍

ever broken a heart: i think i did indirectly whoops. but luckily only once. long story short one of my friends liked me on & off during high school, i got confrontational while heavily under the influence and told him i didnt like him that way. he DID ignore me for the rest of the year but yeah. the rest is history. i think he came out as gay recently so. good for him!

your question time!

favourite greek god/goddess?

fav marauders fancast(s)?

hogwarts house?

fav greek myth(s)?

soldier, poet, king? (praying youve seen this trend)

one thing you cannot leave the house without?

if you were from the percy jackson universe who would be your godly parent?

top 5 albums of all time?

do you believe in soulmates?

thats all for now. talk to u again very soon🕺

-bee

bee bee bee hello i missed you n i love u <333

on god , i love these type of stories that are partly based on taylor songs . paper rings is one of my favourites on lover , so this is going into my marked for later ! & i love 10 things I hate about you too !!!! (cameron is my favourite character . HE LEARNT FRENCH FOR HER!!!) your fics recs are absolutely stellar!!!

here’s one for you - (‘unbreakable heaven by sequin haze’ - based on ‘Cruel Summer’ , ft friend-with-benefits Jegulus & trans regulus !!! )

tay tay -

i almost do - WOLFSTAR - i think of it as wolfstar because to me it’s basically sirius to remus while he’s in azkaban ‘i bet sometimes you wonder ‘bout me’. And i very much think that remus has dreams about sirius touching his face and asking him to try over again , and remus is 🤏 this close to saying ‘okay’.

today was a fairytale - JILY - i think it’s so inexplicably joly after their first date !!! ‘this magic in the air // must have been the way you kissed me’ that to me is their thoughts in canon, after they kissed for the first time on their date. (also james’s smile would so take lily to another planet , just saying)

forever & always - JEGULUS - I can just imagine james telling reg ‘forever and always’ and then reg being in his head like ‘you promised me forever’ and james going away like a ‘scared little boy’ because reg got the mark. it hurts my poor little jegulus heart.

chatting <333 -

ISN’T IT ??? the woman was so concerned about making her characters at hetero as possible that she just made them gay squared. (and the amount of people i’ve seen asking for the fic when this quote is in a tt. like , babe , no it’s from the og books .)

I LOVE MY STAR CONVERSE TOO !!! very cute indeed they’re amazing . (still my red ones beat everyone and everything >>>)

people think the horse is real ?? like do they really have that little faith in the human race?? in the middle of the war being like ‘wow there’s a giant horse at the door of my city ! this isn’t suspicious at all , let me bring it in !’ is something someone would actually do 💀💀💀. like bro no , give homer his credit.

I LOVE LITTLE WOMEN SM TOO. I watched it for emma , and i came out in love with timmy & flo.

jumanji is honestly such a comfort watch it’s one of my forever favourites.

nah americans are genuinely so annoying sometimes. like especially the piss annoying tourists , always standing in the way. like i’ve heard too many of them correct the way brits pronounce things ( honey , it’s aloominum not aluminium. STFU BITCH) and when they start talking so you talk back and ask where they’re from , why they always say ‘dallas , texas.’ like bro was giving me her gps location , why not just say ‘america’ ??? (the worst one was when i saw someone say that ‘the ancients didn’t build stonehenge aesthetically’)

PIXIE , MIKE AND EL???? THAT’S SO CUTE AND ADORABLE OH MY GOD. (i agree artemis and apollo would’ve been a fucking amazing name.your family just don’t get it.) my friend actually has a cat named pixie who is also a mean old lady!! this pixie fuckin hates me she tried to scratch my guts out once. but i think she’s warming up to me now , because she took 10seconds to do that last time instead of her usual five.

bee u live in the 1% of canada that doesn’t get snow !!! ULTRA-RARE POSITION IN LIFE ACHIEVED !!!

i never would’ve thought of pansy and percy either, but i was scrolling and came across it , and i’m a pretty open-minded girl, so i was like ‘why not’ and i was pleasantly surprised. (here’s the fic i’m talking about - ‘the secretary by pacificrimbaud’ it’s really good !! )

fucking james marrying sirius and killing remus is the most controversial decision i’ve ever made , but i STAND BY IT.

for now i’m just staring at my copy of the silmarillion willing it to become smaller. idk if my brain can handle more than like a page a month.

AT LEAST IT’S NOT RON X GINNY !!!!! maybe i’ll give it a shot one day many years in the future. it seems like there’s at least 50 books and she’s… still not done.

i’ll read the book first , then , as i always do. I’ll watch he movie , but only for ben barnes. I love him.

DRUNK PROCRASTINATOR FOR THE WIN. ( me on the roof rn trying to write my paper that was due last week. and the other one that’s due tomorrow! hopefully lu shows up soon with the monsters and good vibes!! he has no homework (he does his stuff on time) so he’s just gonna be keeping me company.)

CATS CATE CATSSS . studying with one purring in your lap sounds so peaceful !!!

amortentia trope >>>>>>> (i’m actually writing a scene in the quaffle & the snitch , where reg is dared to make james fall in love with him. like a bet movie. i’m loving it already.) I LOVE THEM SO MUCH HONESTLY !!! ‘you love me ?? you’re lying.’ ‘i’m on veritaserum you dumb fuck i’m NOT. lying.’

cereal is my go-to for breakfast, but sometimes i do get apple turnovers on the weekend with my chauffeur. (i’ll be referring to the best friend as either ‘chauffeur’ or ‘lu’ (which is my nickname for him) because typing out ‘my best friend’ is going to take forever.)

thank fuck i got the gas station order right. lu is ordered to be my chauffeur. sometimes we go on midnight grocery runs to the big tesco. (once got drunk and bought the entire stock of lurpak. thankfully there were only four tubs !! (lurpak is rich people butter btw) ) i’m the dj , which is mostly tay tay. he involuntarily knows all the words to shake it off and my tears ricochet now.

YOU HAVE LAVENDERS IN YOUR GARDEN????? THAT’S SO AWESOME ???? they look so nice but i kill a lot of plants. but maybe i’ll buy another bouquet and keep it alive this time??

PLUTO STAYS WINNING. SHE IS A PLANET. NASA DON’T MAKE THE RULES I DO.

(and the baby got back was so embarrassing it’s UNREAL. but it was lu calling to ask if i wanted pizza , so at least i got pizza ?? )

jazz and wine and a best friend to dance around the kitchen with >>>>>> life made .

reviewing your q’s . -

poutine sounds amazing , people are just haters. why do americans hate on poutine when they have ‘jello salad’ like god hates a country but it ain’t canada , sweet pea.

HE WOULD SLAY AS A RAVENCLAW !!!!! and he slayed as a dada professor too !! (but he did traumatise my boy neville so minus one point for that) (he slays as a slytherin too , because i like him to be a part of that friend group , yk?)

YES DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!! the world would be a better place if people stopped trying to make everything the same !!

when i was younger , i wanted a pink car. now i just want lu to drive me around forever. his car is black , so unfortunately not colourful .(the lack of colour on the streets should be a crime.)

THE APPRENTICE IS SO WORTH IT !!! i love it so much it’s so funny honestly watch it watch it !! New eps every thursday (watch season 17!!)

yes soulmates are platonic and romantic!!! i met lu in primary , and i think i’d just about die if he were to leave me . like he is life i love him , i’d kill for him.

I just searched up what geogueser is , and i’ve found my new hyperfixation !!! will be updating with my skills on this later. (i wish i had your lace-untying skills. 90% of the time i’m in 70 different positions before they’re actually untied.)

‘Luke i am your father.’ that’s all for this one.

love that you’ve never had your heartbroken !!! ( I have , last year. from a girl called victoria , who’s actually kind of a dick now that i think about it. can’t believe i was crying over some random bitch. lu & monster are the only consistent things in my life!!)

nah your friend a piss-bag for being all ‘ooh you don’t like me , WELL I DON’T LIKE YOU.’ that’s rude. if he was a real one , he would’ve stayed. bro came out as gay ?? i’m waiting for his apology 🤨🤨🤨.

my q’s !! -

god - apollo // godess - artemis. i love those two a lot actually. the sun and the moon >>>>>

now , vis a vis fancasts. i love andrew & ben , not dane . i love the edits of atj , he has such a big range of scenes , and i think some of his scenes are very james ! but my default james is this guy - (search up mo malik on tt if you don’t wanna click the link , it’s the pinned video on @motheh0e account with around 8.4 mill views.)

full respect if people don’t imagine him though ! as for reiky, i keep seeing him bent over some ladies knickers , and it makes me laugh a lot . but he could be james too , definitely!! he’s not my default though. My fc for evan is hugh laughton-scott , and for barty it’s maxen danet fauvel. (ik i spelt it wrong , i’m on the roof rn give me a second) & for pandora it’s elle fanning , and for lily , annalise basso. for pete , lewis capaldi is my favourite, his character is what imagine peter to be (if peter was good ). BUT MY FAVOURITE BY FAR IS OF COURSE REGULUS BLACK AS MR TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET!!!! i live for this one. whoever fc’ed him , i wish them only good things in life.

3. GRYFFINDOR !!!!! RAHHHHHHHHHHHH. (my first one was a slytherin but i lied on a tonne of the q’s and got gryffindor on my second account so I’M A GRYFFINDOR .)

4. orpheus and eurydice kills me every fucking time man. like if he’d just waited for one more second. they’d both be alive. but he loved her too much not to look at her. (trojan horse is a close second of course !!)

5. soldier . i see everyone talking about king and poet , but where’s the stuff about the noble soldier ??? (i wanted to be king and the almighty ruler so i’m a bit pissed. might pull a macbeth.)

6.phone . (obviously, but i’ll give you another few because that was too obvious.) purse (i lost it like three times this academic year already) & my bingo tickets from three years ago in which i won a tenner (reminds me of gold times.) also my planning notebook because i get a shit tonne of ideas on a walk. OOOH OOH ALSO MY HEADPHONE . need to bop out to taylor , of course.

7. just did the quiz and got athena ! not bad , if i do say so myself !!

8. folklore , evermore , 1989 , lover & rep. (all taylor but i have other faves. but without these i’d die.)

9.yes , of course !!! i think soulmates are there , very much. for example , lu is very much my soulmate , platonic , and i’d do anything for him. absolutely anything. ANYTHING . (for reference, i’d only ever share my food with him. )

q’s for your next journey to my ask box -

top 5 albums ?

hogwarts house ?

divergent faction ?

favourite fun fact ?

soldier , poet or king ?

gold or silver jewellery?

taylor or lana ?

cruel summer vs don’t blame me.

my tears ricochet vs the great war.

favourite candle scent?

pet peeve ?

what makes you laugh the most ?

do u have a middle name ?

how common is ‘eh’ and ‘hoser’ in canada ?

(that’s all for now bee , but i shall be awaiting your reply like a wife waiting for her soldier husband to return from war. don’t die on the battlefield, bee . come back soon !)

[honeydewmilkk]

Imma just write on here bc I don’t really have anyone lol

But damn, this year has put me through IT and it’s not even done yet. My car got totaled in the beginning of the year and that caused me to cancel the San Fran birthday trip I had planned for my pookie cause he had never been there. To top that off, my insurance didn’t wanna cover shit so I had to spend a few months (5mos) going back and forth with my lienholder & the new insurance provided by my lienholder in order to work something out and pay off most of my car. Fast forward to now, I only need a few hundred dollars to pay off because we were able to work something out. So yay!

While all that car shit was happening I also finally let go of a weird (kinda toxic?) friendship. I finally took accountability that I was enabling weird behavior (she would stalk male kpop idols whenever they came to LA cause she wouldn’t do this with the females) and told her I couldn’t be friends with her anymore because her behavior was making it really hard. At first she would just drive around hoping to bump into kpop celebrities but somewhere down the line she started staying at hotel entrances & exits. It was really messy bc I told our mutual friends (who also like kpop) she was basically a stalker and when she found out she tried to say that I was lying or something. Like damn no accountability or self awareness? Ok.. but anyway. The whole time this was going down I had really bad anxiety to the point where I was throwing up, shaking, having cold sweats & the Hershey squirts. I wish I was fucking joking. Mainly bc I never stand up for myself or call anyone out, I hate confrontation and hate seeming like the bad guy but it felt wrong to just keep her predatory behavior a secret. Besides this, she wasn’t really inconsiderate about my disability & was constantly trying to force me to do things I didn’t want to or couldn’t do.. but that’s a whole other story for another day.

I also got in a huge fight with my mom on my bday, yes on my BDAY u heard that right, bc ya know parents can be big jerks and as the eldest daughter I always get the shit end of the stick :-)

Now mind you, as mentioned, while ALL this is going on I also had to worry about my chronic pain and disability with my RA. 🤗 YAY!!!! (Sarcasm)

Right now im dealing with the aftermath of gaining all my weight back (250 to 231 back to 250.. rn I’m 237) which means my RA is acting up. I’m in constant pain and I’m trying everything to feel a least a little normal. I’ve been living off pain pills bc nothing natural is working. The pain has gone down a little but still there. I’m trying my absolute best so hopefully I can get right by the end of the year.

I’m hoping for these next few months to be better and I know they will. I know damn sure imma try to have a good rest of the year. I’m not giving up on myself or this life. I will try to make it beautiful.

[rulanarinrush]

d/rdt rewatch prologue. yes im doing this out of order bc i forgot the prologue was a thing. big deal

a "she" attacks the figure with the wound. i support women's wrongs

the bleeding figure is not wearing anything on their hands. there is no tattoo either.

rounded the corner when knocked into. confirms my suspicion that xander was going back towards the dorms, even though teruko confirms that the doors all lock behind them

position of xander's body foreshadows death

how did teruko carry xander to the infirmary? princess style? or did she drag him by the legs like a slaughtered hog?

"it's up to me to change things" if i didn't know your mental instability revolved around shame guilt and helplessness i would ascribe this line to ego

xander has put several government officials in jail+enemies+good at espionage(???)

believes society is messed up despite believing the best in people. interesting. if that's the case, i would use the words "law" and "social norms" and "corruption" rather than "society" because that puts the blame on the normal people living in it, rather than the people running it. unless of course we got ourselves a banal evil guy here.

xander's old classmates were "uptight" possibly contributing to his loneliness when becoming the ultimate rebel yet still attending the same school

guzheng-- hu

practiced for many years-- talent not innate

focus-- inspire emotions

J can sniff the actor in Xander LMFAO

energic and overbearing like J's also not that LOL???

does everything, but specializes in theater

loves the work, dislikes the actors. mommy issues coming in hot

acknowledges that she's a prejudiced person, an interesting parallel between her and arturo.

everything "looks" new

veronika is a scholar, according to her. fan of every medium involving it, which includes my sick and twisted mind /j

forever dead-- involves boy, time loop, disillusionment.

is aware that people perceive one as being "weird" for being passionate about this sort of thing. I actually think veronika is the sanest out of everyone here lol she's just very belligerent in later chapters the amount of people that i see ascribe her talent to her insanity is! well! no wonder fandom is having a moral purity satanist freakout with people unable to distinguish that fiction and paraphilias from reality

david: i hate this mofo. can i use bend him over while we go exploring

teruko: sees his real personality. as such, all events with him are colored in this film of greasy fakeness. however, the events of the story challenge both their beliefs on true vs fake hope, because even though arei explicitly knows his hope is fake, she becomes a better person anyway.

xander: explicitly(?) believes in david's goodness. however, i am unsure whether "moral goodness" and "cheerful politene demeanor" are explicitly linked. in fact, teruko and xander may be thinking about different things relating to his personality here. one can be an asshole misanthrope while still doing good. probably not tho lol and xander does believe in his stage persona

levi: me and xander, we are a kindred spirit! do not want to discuss past. xander: fuck murderers actually. levi: im killing you with ur boots on

inchresting that it's (likely) the two people most interested in leaving death behind became murderers first

doesn't want to be an ultimate or jockey

min needs to constantly work to maintain her title

based on er reaction, she agrees with xander, but they both fundamentally cannot understand the other's desperation

definitely not LOL CACTUS SCENE STRIKES WITH WEIRDO TERUKO. THE SHIT I WILL WRITE WHEN THAT SCENE COMES UP IS INSANE THERES GRIEVING FOR REPRESSED FEELINGS OF LOST LOVE, PLATONIC OR ROMATIC, AND WHATEVER THE FUCK WAS GOING ON WITH TERUKO'S FANTASY. WHY ARE YOU DREAMING ABOUT BRINGING A KNIFE TO TURN THE TABLES RATHER THAN HIM JUST NOT BRINGING ONE AT ALL OR COMING CLEAN AND THROWING IT AWAY??\

oh shit the introduction is over my bad. anyway whit only ever apologizes to teruko and not xander in later chapters. could have happened offscreen but it would be funnier if xander was just not his type Lol

rose mentions years have passed

"one of those old tv things" I KNOW IM GONNA BE AN OLD TROLL SOON BUT OUCH

"the audience has seen this kind of thing already" either

we are the audience, ok... makes whit's fourth wall breaks make sense but like... yeesh. don't really believe this idea

the audience has seen a killing game before. this means

a. the characters should be aware of the past killing game from the tragedy but aren't

b. killing games have become common place in the drdt world while the characters were conked(more likely)

explicitly says they missed the entrance ceremony. may confirm rose's theory, but i think mon/otv is lying about the former due to the bonus episodes

"snuff film enthusiasts" this was genuinely my first theory when i was introduced to the show through an acquaintance and then i found the website and it said 16+ LOL there's no way they're going in a ... certain direction

"real mastermind is one of you" as in the characters or the fourth wall? i think its referring to characters because. while i guess i wouldn't be opposed to some fourth wall message i am truthfully worried about the execution of that

[cyberthot666]

ok I wasn’t gonna say anything but I can’t stop thinking about it now. last night my coworker, who I also consider a friend, his gf came in and I’ve been trying to befriend her cause I want her to like me. we’re all 3 aries 🥴 anyway, I’m usually painfully awkward with her no matter how hard I try cause I can get bad social anxiety with people I don’t know well and I’ve realized I lean heavily on people pleasing tendencies so I can feel crushed if someone doesn’t like me even if I don’t know them or like them 🙄 anyway, I thought for once we were having a good conversation and it was flowing. I complimented her nails and then we talked about nails for a long time. I sent her a picture of these vitamins I use. we’ve given each other book recommendations. it had been really slow for the last couple of hours with just her and another regular in there. all I had left to do was clean. it was bout 30 minutes til close and I was sure no one else would come in. I went in the back to sweep real quick and she ordered some food. just a little snack, which I had no problem making. I even went to slice fresh cucumbers for her. then when I came back out this annoying girl that’s a regular came in and everyone started squealing. and I was thinking oh great. I sat her food down in front of her and she acknowledged it but didn’t thank me. so I was like oh. that just told me A LOT. ok so she’s being fake nice to me for my coworker’s sake. cool. got it. will no longer bother her with my chit chat when she comes to visit him. I really thought she seemed nice but things got awkward when she realized I’m older than her and not younger????? lmfao. anyway, her and this annoying girl started talking like besties and then that girl ordered 4 dishes. 30 minutes before close. she also brought two trashy ass behaving men in with her. so now I’m pissed. I had my music playing loudly in kitchen cause that’s how I usually passive aggressively signal to customers that kitchen is about to close. I brought all the food out to annoying girl and she was polite & thanked me. then an order for like 3 big dishes rang in but they were all spelled wrong & I was like wtf and walked back out to the coworker I’ve been having a weird situationship with and both his brothers and another guy who works with us all hanging out at the bar. so now there’s like 10 people in the dining room being rambunctious af bout 10-15 minutes before close and the shelf we’ve been asking to be fixed for months just collapsed for the 100th time so I started getting pissed off and didn’t even talk to him. all I said was hi & bye and you could tell I was upset. after I was off I went to the dive bar behind us to play pool with some of the girls I work with and that coworker’s gf was at the bar the moment I walked in and I said hi :) really nicely and then later when he got there they were being weird in a corner by themselves. I was going to say bye as we were walking out but he just looked at me then looked away. I was like damn. is she mad I went to grab him extra sour cream for his lunch earlier or? I do little favors like that for everyone I work with. idk I was just trying to figure out what it is I did but maybe she’s just one of those girls that sees competition in every other woman idk. but anyway I’ll know not to waste my efforts anymore bc I really don’t respect people who can’t at least thank their server when they drop them food. that’s a huge red flag to me especially considering she also works in a restaurant.