#bc most of his personal struggle was fighting what he believed was inevitable

[fluffypotatey]

I don't know if you know Pokemon, but there's this popular comic about Larry getting isekai-ed to the Pokemon world from our world and he's like "aight so I immediately went ok and went to get a job and pay pokemon taxes" and that's how I see Macky. makes sense how he's so full of rage and evil when his last memory might have been a brutal death and centuries in the diyuu. but still, you'd think he'd be a smidge more crazy sometimes, what up with the fake heroism and charisma and "yeah im just gonna ignore that kid that just fell off trying to climb up here" face until MK teleported in front of him???? but alas, he do be an actor. also cracks me up how they make him go "haha! you unloaded all your secret insecurities on me! but hey, no shame in that, its good to talk about your feelings, I don't really do it...maybe I should, buuuut we'd be here all day so >:)" like not only is that a hilarious call out about villains having trauma trope, but the 'maybe I should' and that there's so much of it, like blub u good 😭 am I watching a crack video. but how he laughs at the start there like you think accidental therapy monkey status is a big "gotcha" moment?? clown behavior. funniest thing to evil laugh about he looks manic and insane about it, what if I toss him out the window affectionately.

who tf is larry?

[llendrinall]

Hello, Endrina, I hope you are well!

I was recently introduced to a new ship: Snarry. Never though I could like it, but the fics I read were very well written, so I can see potential now.

What are your thoughts on this ship (if you have any), would you ever write Snarry?

Actually, I'm asking this bc I miss your Snape. So maybe, the question is more, can we have more Snape?

Sending love and inspiration, tai <3

Hello, Tea.

I’m well. Busier than I would like, so I don’t have the focus I need to write long-form, but I’m doing very well. I even got my vaccine!

So, Snarry. It’s not a pairing I see myself writing. It has too many issues and some of my biggest squicks, like teacher/student relationships (god, no) and age difference. The age difference I can get past, because it’s so prevalent that I’m inured to it. I think most, if not all, of Jane Austen’s heroines have +-10 years difference, for example, so one learns not to pay attention. Still, it’s not a pairing that calls to me.

That said, while I won’t write it and it’s not my first reading choice, I have read it occasionally and I agree that the fics were quite good. They managed to make a difficult and very unlikely couple believable, so kudos to the authors. I just hope none of them pursue a career in politics or public relations.

You ask about Snape. The thing about him (and most of HP characters) is that there is an incoherent element to them.

Snape stands on the edge between hero and villain, between human and monster. Snape is a survivor of childhood abuse and teenager bullying, the poor dear. Snape became a supremacist and joined a terrorist group, the bastard. Snape is a horrible, horrible, teacher. Snape is the only remotely competent actor in the Order of Phoenix.

I actually think this is the reason why the HP fandom is so popular, after so many years, and still produces so many fics. Almost all characters have this tension (I’m actually struggling to think of a character without internal strain. Fleur, maybe?), this internal conflict as two things that cannot be exist in the same person. A character cannot stand that internal contradiction for long, and yet it is never resolved in the books. Was Dumbledore well meaning, if inefficient? Or was he a manipulative bastard?

Because the characters are left in that state of incoherence, we write fic and meta to resolve that tension. To do that, we have to choose some aspects and bury or hand wave others because they simply can’t cohabit. This means that when people say Snape was a creepy bastard who doesn’t deserve our good opinion, they are right. It also means that when I choose to see him a kinder light, as a flawed man who is denied the chance to heal from his trauma, I am also right.

My Snape.

What I like best about him is that he is a very efficient and unapologetic jerk. Even in the most positive portrayals (like The Secret Language of Plants) Snape is the personification of drinking orange juice after brushing your teeth. He doesn’t play well with others.

Because he is very efficient, there is the danger of going the Sherlock route (or House route, or… you know, any other show) in which his genius is used to justify him being a cruel prick (sidenote: I want more Sherlock fics in which John gently points out that when Sherlock does X thing or says Y he is hurting people’s feelings, and Sherlock adapting his behaviour in hilariously wrong but well-meaning ways). I prefer to use Snape’s cantankerous attitude to bring up conflict and humour. Snape is the man who will stab Lockhart to shut him up. He is also the friend you hex in an attempt to re-educate him into being a tolerable member of society.

What else? I see Snape as a gay man. The foggy ficlet I’m writing right now might be the first time where I am unsure, he may be bisexual there. Mostly, I prefer if his relationship to Lily is one of friendship. I actually think it’s nicer, and speaks better of him, if his heel-face turn is born out of friendship rather than a desire to save the life of the girl who got away. It’s still love, just not sexual or romantic love.

Some other thoughts about him.

- He is a bad teacher. Not that there are good teachers, since no one goes through teacher training, but he is bad and doesn’t like the job.

- He is a brilliant researcher and experimenter. He would be much happier in a university-setting where you can get away with not seeing students and at least the ones you are forced to see will be slightly interested in the subject.

- Canon Snape went through a lot of trauma and wasn’t allowed to heal. Instead he was picked up by Voldemort and Dumbledore to be used as they wished. If he had gotten away, even if he didn’t go to therapy, just time and distance would have done wonders.

- Despite his acerbic personality, Snape is very good at managing teams. We know that all the other Hogwarts’ houses gang up against Slytherin, and yet until Harry arrived, Slytherin had won the House Cup six times in a row. Six times. This can’t be attributed to Snape giving a disproportionate amount of points to his students, because he only has so many occasions to do so and in any case it would only work one time before the rest of the teachers started to give points by the hundreds. Either the Slytherin students were so good that other teachers, despite their animosity, were forced to recognize their talent; or Snape provoked the other houses to fight between them and grabbed the cup from under them. Either way, Snape is wasted in that school.

- No, really, who gets a bunch of teenagers and turns them into such a well oiled machine?

I want him to fake his death and go live in the French-Speaking side of Canada and finally get a chance to figure out who he is. And when Percy Weasley inevitably stumbles across him, they will simply nod at each other, share a look of “I’m so tired of their bullshit” and carry on without a word.

[twink-frank]

hi i’ve noticed the pencey prep gay conversation going on over on @awsugar and i have spent lots of time dissecting pencey prep lyrics and subjecting nathan @faggot-frank to my deranged ramblings so Here is my pencey prep super ultra mega gay lyrical analysis masterpost. it’s very long so its all under the cut but i will include a TL;DR for those who dont wanna read paragraphs of my deranged ramblings: Pencey prep uses lots of themes of: heartbreak, forbidden love, keeping love a secret, and toxic relationships. which none of that is gay on its own but combined with them almost never using gender indicators in their songs and the “nail in the coffin song” of 8th grade it ends up being a very Fruity Album.

I will be going through heart break in stereo in order and pointing out which lyrics and elements of certain songs jump out to me as Super Mega Gay and then summarizing my conclusions at the end <3

1 ) PS Don't Write

PS don't write is about leaving a toxic relationship, it has notes of moving on and leaving someone behind. "packed up all my shit / stole back all my tapes / left your spare key under the mat / this is not a joke / you'd better learn to take a hint / 'cause i'm not coming back / maybe you'll understand / when you're waking up alone / in a cold and empty bed." it has no gender indicators or pronouns which is the case in a lot of pencey prep songs, and something i'll bring up quite a bit. it also has general "coming of age" themes, something common in lots of pencey prep songs. which Yeah apply to straight people to but read in this context combined with future evidence can be pretty Fuckin Gay. "somewhere along the line / i found a hidden strength / i didn't know i had / standing on my own / cutting all the strings / that you used to control / surprise surprise / i am long gone / if you thought you could hold me down / by holding me up / you were wrong / you don't call the shots anymore." not to say only gay people can find inner strength and the room to love themselves but combined with other context it is a really poignant message about accepting yourself for who you are.

2) Yesterday

Yesterday is very repetitive and has a lot less to analyze, but the constant themes of wanting to "run away" strike me as very Fruity. once again, not saying gay people are the only people who can want to run away or escape from something But Combined With Other Context. and once again a song with no gender indicators, doesnt specify who the speaker is running away with or what they are running away from. just that they want to Leave. "i wanna run with you / i don't care what we do / gotta get out of this place / because it feels like yesterday." also saying "it feels like yesterday" could mean that the town feels backwards or old timey in its beliefs, implying homophobia. how the speaker wants to run away from an old fashioned town.

3) Don Quixote

i'm going to bring up the cultural significance of this title and literary reference first. Don Quixote is a classical novel by Cervantes which is about a crazy dude who thinks he's a knight, and goes on weird adventures with his best friend. It's typically used as a symbol of following your dreams and breaking free from what people expect of you. In the context of the song its used as a symbol of following your dreams with Someone. once again this someone is given no gender indicators. "you say it's not worth it / been burned too many times / if your spine's receding / you can borrow some of mine / don't go and quit right now / cause i'd follow you through hell." "you say so many things / and not a word of it was true / if you're still in that state of mind / i'd still vacation inside of you / cause i think you're worth every minute / and every dime that i spend / i'd spend all my time fighting dragons / just to keep you alive and talking." it's about wanting to spend time with someone, wanting to be with them no matter what. and its also about how this person feels unreachable, like being with them would be a fairytail but the speaker Still Reaches for it. "your imaginations running wild / round your deceptive heart / this is my crusade / and you're the unreachable star / but i'm reaching." talking about this person being unreachable and unattainble. which isnt gay By Itself  but again combined with the other context. FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

4) 10 Rings

another breakup song once again with no gender indicators, are you guys sensing a theme here? anyways this song is about someone cutting you off and then coming back suddenly wanting to talk again after breaking your heart. it has a sense of forbidden love, like this person Told the speaker they cant be together for Whatever Reason ;] and is now trying to come back and repair their mistake when the speaker is already hurt and reeling. "learn to live with decisions you make / i learned things from the break i can't forget / catch you doing drive-bys at 1 AM / it must kill you to know we can't be friends." "end of the summer you cut me off / i cut you out all the pictures i have." which this Isnt Gay By Itself. but bringing that phrase back with other context this is such a uniquely gay experience. being in love with someone and they cut you off Because theyre weirded out by that and then they try to come back, convince you it meant nothing.

5) The Secret Goldfish

my FAVORITE pencey song. this one has a lot. it's another breakup song about heartbreak and loss and im not even gonna dwell on the no gender indicators because yall see the theme now. it has themes of heartbreak and losing someone who is very close to you and having to let go of them and having to accept that this person cant be yours and you cant be with them. "land of the lost / i found myself in nothing / this time, promises broken find me / clutching to you for something / something that you're not / believing in what you say / it makes me lie awake at night / the truth, the truth is not what scares me / it's why you have to lie / all the time." here we see these themes of having to let someone go because they just Aren't The Same as you. "clutching to you for something / something that you're not." maybe like chasing after a straight boy and getting rejected? also the repetition of "heartbreak is forever" when you're young and gay losing that first person you felt some kind of love and attraction to can feel like the end of the world and can be a huge deal because of the lack of representation and guidance young gays get. and the themes of nothing lasting forever, the fact that gay people never get promised eternal love the same way straight people do.

6) 8th Grade

this song is the nail in penceys fucking coffin honestly. the rest of these songs have a lot of plausible deniability, just vague enough to maybe Not Be Gay. but framed in the context of 8th grade they all start to get a lil fruity. Im just gonna go through lyric by lyric for this one. "caught staring again / like a deer in the headlights / when you can't move fast enough / i take a hit for the team / pretty girl is blushing / i can't tell if she's disgusted / laughter starts to swell / someone gets the joke." this kid was staring at some cute boy ass and got caught and everyone is laughing at him for being gay. the "pretty girl" here is what most people think he's staring at but with the rest of the song it's obvious she's not the one he's looking at. "bells ring, i make my escape / helps a little, but doesn't save / beat downs a common thing / with us every day / maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools / so maybe i like the abuse / or maybe i just like you." literally This is the nail in penceys fucking coffin. "maybe i like the abuse or maybe i just like you." this kid purposefully takes beatings from his bully who is Obviously male if you take into context the next verse. because he Likes Him. "maybe im just strange / cause i dont change schools" literally willingly taking beatings from his bully bc he has a crush. "another confrontation / you've got something to prove / your girl can't tell how tough you are / when you beat me up in the boys room." this just confirms that the subject of the song is a boy, and a tough macho boy with something to prove. maybe also hiding his own internalized homophobia through bullying? "well i made a big mistake / but i can't help who i like / this may not cost my life / but i am branded forever lame." LITERALLY ITS RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. "can't help who i like" "branded forever lame" do i even need to fucking explain this oh my god. he got outed as gay, he Can't Help Who He Likes and is now branded forever as "the gay kid." the rest of the song is general "im gonna get back at my bully" stuff but literally THIS. THIS is the song that brands all penceys other very vague songs as 100% verified super mega ultra gay.

7) 19

this song has a lot less, and is more about internal struggle than anything. but it is the only song with a "she" pronoun in it. but there is one thing i wanna mention. "I scream out loud / but no one hears a sound / i take my life with lack of sleep / i believe the things i feel / the things i see are fooling only me." this song is about not believing what the world shows you, believing what you think is true in your heart and what You feel. not what anyone else tells you. which is a gay experience. believing in yourself and your heart and your feelings, believing theyre right and theyre true and valid. Also this song has a significance in coming right after 8th grade on the album, going from being 13 to 19, from being unsure in your feelings and angry about the people who dont like you to lost and hopeless but somewhat grounded in yourself.

8) Trying To Escape The Inevitable

this song is about an abusive and toxic relationship, knowing you Need to escape it but being so infatuated with the person you literally cant. “i have this reoccurring dream / you make it hard for me to breathe / i gave you everything i could / i gave up everything i owned / and when you smile it’s not for me / you offer little sympathy / your grasp so far exceeds your reach / i wake up, this is not a dream.” “i have this reoccuring dream / where you admit that you’re not happy / i know that you will never leave / you’re here just to torment me.” which like again this isnt an exclusively gay experience but it is very interesting when framed that way. in that gay people are way more likely to throw themselves into abusive and toxic relationships because they dont feel like they can get anybody else. the repetition of “i know i should run” makes it seem like the speaker Knows he should get out but he just Cant because what if he never finds love again? and the little reprise in the middle “i have a new dream / and everything is perfect / the sky is pink, yellow, green, blue, and orange / and all the past has been forgotten / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and we fell in love / and i fell into your trap.” implying that even if he escapes, even in his dreams he still falls for this person because he feels like he cant have anything else.

9) Lloyd Dobbler

another love song about wanting to have someone but not being able to because of Unspecified Forbidden Reasons. “why are you so far away / even when you’re standing next to me? / your eyes give you away / telling secrets your mouht don’t feel like talking.” falling in love with someone, maybe sensing that they like you too. that they Are Like You and that they have a Secret they dont want to vocalize. do i even need to explain it at this point? and in the chorus “That I’ll be your lloyd dobbler / with a boom box out in the street / and i’ll be there if you need someone / even if he isn’t me.” saying you’ll be there for someone even if that person isn’t you, also the use of Pronouns which is big for pencey prep. which yes the use of “even if he isnt me” could imply a straight girl ooorrr....Fruit Behavior. also this line “There’s a norman rockewll painting / of two kids sitting on a bench / it reminds me of all the stupid things / i’d like for us to share, but i dont care.” normal rockwell is a painter that paints traditionally “american” scenes. like the american ideal, that maybe he wants with this person. but he knows he cant have, but its stupid and domestic and he wants it but he Cant Have It because of FRUIT BEHAVIOR.

10) Florida Plates

another of my favorite pencey songs, and this one brings back those tragic “love but we cant have it” themes, except with a more somber tone. instead of being angry or resentful or spiteful in the face of adversity. its an Acceptance, of what they had and how good it was and how it just Cant Last. “kiss a mouth to open eyes / stall one last moment before goodbye / drive in different cars in different directions / never write all the letters full of good words, better intentions / it’s for the best although we don’t know it / paper words will cheapen the moments we shared / it’s better if i say nothing at all.” it’s about knowing you have to leave someone, even if having them in the moment is great they Can’t Stay and you can’t even talk or write about the moments you had. which do i even need to explain it at this point? forbidden love, not being able to have each other, not even being able to Talk about it. its a secret, and painful one but its beautiful while you have it. Conclusion alright!!! thank you so so much if you read all the way through that i Know it was long i Know it was a lot of repetition but i wanted to make my point. pencey prep has very big gay themes in their music. with forbidden love, letting go, heartbreak, keeping secrets, toxic realtionships. which none of it is gay on its own but in the context of: almost none of the songs having clear gender indicators and always speaking really vaguely about the subject and Eight Grade the “nail in the coffin song” you can see my point thank you and goodnight.

[justsasuke]

Here’s the thing about Kakashi. He’s quite possibly Konoha’s worst (yes, you read that right) worst Sensei. Mostly due to the fact that he’s so caught up in his guilt and past that he literally had nothing to give his students.

I’m not saying this to hate on Kakashi, he’s his own person with very valid struggles and I don’t want to slam him bc of his life experiences, but for the purpose of this here writing I’m going to ignore Kakashi’s right to be stuck in the past and talk about why he isn’t qualified to do the job the 3rd Hokage assigned him. Specifically in relation to Sasuke (bc let’s be real, after shippuden started was Kakashi really Naruto and Sakura’s sensei anymore? also this blog is about Sasuke so if you’re expecting any other type of content IDK how to help you)

Let me start by saying Kakashi had a lot of potential to help Sasuke out; they come from somewhat similar backgrounds - prominent families in the village that at some point were no longer favorable to the village, and then losing said families.  Both were child prodigies and (I assume) had a lot of external pressure to live up to and not enough time to work through their own feelings...

you’d think with everything they had in common Kakashi could have used his experiences to relate to Sasuke and then guide him down a much healthier path--but instead he only made things worse.

and here’s where we get into the main meat of this rant and my list of reasons why Kakashi was a horrible sensei (grab some popcorn bc I’m about to go off)

1) Kakashi identifies Sasuke’s issues early...and then does nothing. without a doubt, Kakashi knew who Sasuke was.  He knew what had happened to the Uchiha clan, and he could probably imagine what kind of pain Sasuke was going through and yet when Sasuke very openly admits that he doesn’t have any purpose for his future except to avenge his clan Kakashi simply makes a mental note that it was ‘just as he thought’

2) Kakashi doesn’t really say anything nice... your mileage may vary with this one, and of course it’s a matter of personal taste, but Kakashi doesn’t say anything nice about Sasuke.  Not to his face anyway.  and it’s not just that he isn’t nice, he taunts him too. To a regular person this may not cause much damage, but we have to look at the fact that Sasuke has grown up alone and un-nurtured for the last 5 years and that the last person who was important in his literally told him that he was worthless and unfit for anything (hello root cause of Sasuke’s insecurity) Kakashi’s words then become really destructive and damaging to any chance he had of creating a safe space for Sasuke to open up and feel looked after/get the help he needed

3) Kakashi didn’t get it This happens during the infamous treetop chat, where he literally ties Sasuke to the tree so he can say what he wants to say. (red flag right there bc honestly what is with this village and constantly trying to force Sasuke to do what they want him to do without actually taking the time to listen to him or address his problems directly.  Seriously.  Also why are you waiting until just now to reach out to him when you’ve known he’s been struggling since day one.  see #1 on this rant)

I hate this scene because it’s a really good moment outside of the context of, well, Sasuke and all that he is and has been through. It was meant to be a call to reality scene where Kakashi helps Sasuke see that he’s not alone in his suffering, that he has friends who care about him, that leaving the village isn’t going to help him, and his life situation isn’t actually all that bad. (can you spot the sarcasm?)

Spoiler alert: this scene is another example of people who thought they understood Sasuke and knew how to help, which is not the same as actually understanding him and knowing how to help. See also Naruto, Sakura, and Gaara to name the most prominent other ones.

4) “sure, but everyone I ever loved is already dead... :)” Ok listen.  I get where Kakashi is coming from, I really do. but this line.  I hate it. Again, it’s a great line out of context of everything Sasuke is dealing with. And yeah, I can see why Kakashi thought it might help. But just to recap, Sasuke’s entire clan, his immediate family, probably the bulk of his friends because Bigotry™, his extended family, everything he’s known and loved and held dear, his security, the family culture he grew up with, any promise of a bright future etc. was taken away from him by his older brother whom he loved more than anything in one night.  He literally lost everything that would help him gain any sort of bearing of identity and sense of worth, not to mention anyone to love him, in one night.  and it was taken by the person he loved most, someone he trusted and looked up to and believed in.  And then that person told him he was completely worthless. Kakashi on the other hand lost his best friend during a ninja mission (a devastating loss but common within the context of everyone being ninja and it being wartime), and lost his father and other friend/crush? to suicide. All very real pains, but different than Sasuke’s.  

Sasuke’s lash out of “what if I killed everyone you ever cared about” was a plea for someone to understand the kind of agony he was carrying everyday, and Kakashi--who honestly out of everyone else should have sensed a need to sit and listen--ignored it by taking the opportunity to invalidate Sasuke’s very specific pain.

5) Kakashi kind of ....gave up? At some point it seems like Kakashi just gave up trying to help Sasuke and decided that it was unavoidable and inevitable that Sasuke was going to “go bad” and leave the village. I mean, he noticed it on day one, right? (srry, I’m salty about that one if you couldn’t tell).

6) Except he didn’t At some point he decides that as Sasuke’s sensei he should be the one to take responsibility for Sasuke going “bad” and kill him. Forget talking to him, forget apologizing for not taking the time to talk to him earlier, he decided that he’s going to fight Sasuke and “take care of the problem once and for all”.

I could go on, but at this point I think I should stop and take a really, really long walk. In summary:  While you’d expect Kakashi to have seen and treated Sasuke differently he didn’t, and while he was set up to be the perfect mentor character to Sasuke (Naruto got Jiraiya so you’d think Kakashi would’ve stepped in to help Sasuke more) he really fell flat. Overall as a sensei I think he was too bogged down with his own pain and survivor’s guilt to really be present, and maybe he was too scared to help Sasuke grow because he thought if he fed the fire it would only get worse. In any case, other than teaching Sasuke chidori, Kakashi was really detached from Sasuke’s struggles except when he thought it had gone too far.  And by then it was too late to do any good. I think if he had stepped in a little more, listened a little more, helped Sasuke channel his feelings productively, maybe even helped Sasuke work through said feelings, things could’ve been great. He could’ve been the Iruka to Sasuke’s Naruto, you know?   but he wasn’t.

[dastardlydandelion]

i’ve seen quite a bit of meta floating around abt sam’s situation vs tory’s and how that enhances their rivalry but i’ve seen v little abt how how fighting itself means different things to them and how i personally think that rly shows itself in the school brawl so i’m going to babble on abt that for a min.

so to recap what most ppl already pinned down: tory and sam’s beef isn’t just about miguel. far from. tbvh i’d ever argue it’s mostly *not* about miguel but he factors into the situation so strongly bc miguel is the *one* thing tory had that (at the time) sam didn’t. it isn’t just abt him, it’s abt what he represents. it’s abt sam seemingly (re)staking her claim to one of the only good things in tory’s life. from tory’s perspective she has very little in contrast to sam. sam lives in wealthy encino, has her own car, a membership at a country club, and participates in karate bc she’s a legacy child and to do so is at her leisure. her dad has his own personal dojo she can practice in whenever she wants and oh yeah, her lessons are free bc her dad is her sensei. sam who could easily afford karate lessons doesn’t even have to, her dad actually jumps at the chance to give them to her.

tory has to work for everything that’s hers and then some, supporting a mother with frail health and taking care of her bby brother. tory’s life is more precarious and vulnerable than sam’s bc of her financial and living situation, and frankly, she needs self-defense skills more than sam does. remember when she’s at the store with aisha and describes to her how some perv tried to grab her, a move she then blocked? how she stabbed him in the face with her duster/bracelet??

i feel like the gravity of that is lost on most ppl bc in context, tory’s almost bragging abt it and showing off a lil bit. and why wouldn’t she?? she thinks aisha is a badass, she saw her breaking boards blindfolded!!! she thinks aisha is cool and she wants aisha to think she’s cool too, so she’s telling her smth abt herself that she correctly feels aisha would admire. but context aside, it’s v scary and sad that tory was in a situation where she had to do that.

tory had kickboxing training even before she joined cobra kai. going off some of her dialogue to miguel, abt how some ppl in this world have to fight for everything they have, i’m going to assume her safety applies here. given that her financial situation is so precarious, i don’t think tory would’ve taken kickboxing classes unless she felt like she had to. like— don’t get me wrong, tory clearly enjoys fighting. it’s prolly a good way to relieve all the stress she’s under, having head of household responsibilities at 16/17. but we see in s3 when her mom can’t rly work anymore and therefore she has to work even more herself, tory leaves the dojo specifically bc she can’t afford lessons. so that leads me to believe that even if tory enjoys fighting, she wouldn’t spend money on it unless doing so was of necessity to her.

tory does not live in a world of stability. her mother’s health is precarious and unstable. her financial situation is precarious and unstable. even working two jobs she didn’t have enough to cover rent. it was so, so heartbreaking but u could see it in her eyes that she was considering the landlord’s offer. she was considering sleeping with some gross ass adult man who berated and belittled her just to have the stability of a home. imho she would’ve done it if kreese didn’t handle the situation (and he definitely didn’t do so for selfless reasons, but that’s another matter entirely so i’m not gonna go into that).

sam, on the other hand, doesn’t just have stability, she has luxury. again, the big house, her own car, wealthy, supportive, healthy parents who have the time and the means to be there for her and provide her with whatever she wants, let alone needs. fighting is v different for sam. from sam’s perspective, karate is meditation. karate is a way to find balance, to center yourself and spiritually connect with your body. karate is recreation and sport, tournaments where rules ensure everyone’s safety at the end of the day and fighting with honor scores u points while fighting with dishonor gets u disqualified. where fighting with honor is “fair” and fighting without honor is “dirty.” 

now, i know sam *theoretically* understands karate from the self-defense perspective too. bc she’s heard daniel’s stories. bc she used it against kyler when he made her uncomfortable. bc she and robby got into it at the mall to come to demetri’s defense, thereby actively protecting another person. but sam does not have daniel’s lived experiences of struggling with poverty or being put into harm’s way as gravely as daniel was in his youth (at least not until the school brawl, i’m getting there). sam never had to stab a pervert in the face bc he predated upon her and grabbed her. sam did face bullying, yes, but as hurtful as being slut-shamed on the internet is, her safety was not threatened in that situation the way tory’s safety has been threatened, nor the way her father’s safety was threatened in his youth.

i definitely think the context of their situations influences how each thinks of fighting. tory intimately understands fighting for survival in a way sam does not, in a way sam simply cannot relate to. tory doesn’t adhere to the rules the way sam does bc rules have never done shit for her. actually, the rules themselves keep her down, her mother got fired from her job at the restaurant precisely bc she was bringing home leftovers to feed her hungry children. tory has no reason to distinguish between dishonorable fighting and honorable fighting bc at the end of the day, fighting is a necessity for tory in a way that it is not a necessity for sam. tory doesn’t fight to win points or to meditate, or to spiritually connect with her body. tory fights for self-preservation.

from sam’s perspective, tory fights “dirty.” from tory’s perspective, sam lives in a fantasy world where there’s some kind of manufactured distinction between fighting “fair” and “dirty” only for those who have the security and luxury to made that very distinction. to tory, fighting is fighting and that’s that. to sam, fighting is a discipline, an art, a tradition, and is meant to be practiced with a level of etiquette shown to your opponent. bc that’s what tory is to sam, an opponent. but sam isn’t an opponent to tory— she’s an enemy. these are not the same things.

i think the way tory and sam understand fighting really rears its head in the school brawl. tory’s had it with sam, she’s had beef with her since the moment sam accused her of stealing and it reaches its tipping point during the party bc first, sam beats her in the drinking competition, embarrassing her in front of everyone, and then she goes and kisses miguel. who isn’t just tory’s bf, but one of the only good things in her life at that moment.

on top of that, like, okay, tory is v aware miguel used to date sam. so when she’s dating miguel herself, i think she does take a kind of satisfaction in that, in knowing she’s “taken” miguel from the pretty, privileged princess who has everything else, pretty privileged princess who once accused her of stealing and would then go on to mock and ridicule her. i think it increases the sting for tory when sam follows up beating her in the contest with kissing miguel not just bc she’s hurt, but bc it’s an added slap in the face that sam “reclaimed” this one good thing tory thought she’d managed to “take” from her.

come the school brawl and sam is aware tory’s angry. tory announces on the damn loud speaker she’s coming for her, prolly to embarrass her in front of everyone the way sam embarrassed her the night before. fight ensues and they’re matching each other p well, i’d say tory mostly retains the upper hand bc she had the element of offense on her side while sam’s blows were primarily defensive…it’s slightly in tory’s favor but rly could go either way until the point where tory breaks out the spiked knuckle duster/bracelet.

if u look at sam’s face after tory puts it on, like…she’s shocked. she’s frightened. she was not anticipating that at all. tory on the other hand, has a mocking expression and from her tone, i kind of think she’s reveling in sam’s reaction. bc tory knows full well sam has never had to fight the way she has. sam’s never actually had her safety compromised so it’s like. utterly incomprehensible to her the moment it happens. 

tory is the first person who has ever actually threatened sam’s safety and tory knows that, and she relishes it. from tory’s perspective, sam is just as foolish as she is pampered, and she gets to be the one to snatch sam’s sense of security away from her the moment she introduces a weapon to the situation and shows sam; ‘no, this isn’t just a karate match. i actually want to hurt you, and i am going to use whatever i have to do that.’

and…i think she was just trying to hurt sam, personally. ik a lot of the ck fandom thinks tory wanted to kill sam. and i actually think sam herself thinks tory wanted to kill her bc of the visceral reaction she has to tory afterwards. sam has ptsd after the school brawl and it’s not just bc of tory, it’s clearly also bc of what happened to miguel. what robby did to miguel out of anger, anger not created by— but definitely inflamed by —the fact miguel and sam shared a smooch. but sam also has nightmares of tory trying to kill her and it’s tory’s voice that makes her freeze up during the fight at the laser tag place.

i think sam also inevitably associates tory with what happened to miguel, bc while robby, not tory kicked him over the railing, it was tory who started the brawl. and miguel went upstairs specifically bc he was trying to get tory off of sam. he followed them up there bc he was tryna calm tory down. so i think that’s also why sam is so shook by tory after, that inevitable association with miguel’s fall/coma. but i defo think bc tory was the first person who ever actually threatened sam’s safety for real, sam felt like tory was going to kill her. and to be fair, when tory gets sam on the floor and yanks her hair back, it appears that she’s doing so specifically to expose her face/throat area as she pulls her opposite arm back to stab.

sooo with that i 100% understand why so much of the ck fandom and sam herself would think tory was tryna kill her, but i personally don’t think that. i think she was trying to scar her face. i think tory might have specifically been aiming for the mouth bc she wanted to punish sam for the kiss. stabbing/slicing her mouth would be targeting a place on sam specifically associated with the incident that pushed tory’s anger over the edge.

i also think it’s entirely probable tory was just unleashing all of her built up stress on sam during that fight. tory was more aggressive not just bc she’s the one more pissed off but bc her nerves are fucking fried. she throws all of her negative emotions in the brawl and she has infinitely more of those than sam, created by her precarious and fraught living situation wherein she’s had to endure much more hardship than sam and she’s constantly on her guard, fully aware of how fragile any semblance of stability she manages to carve out for herself/her family is. while sam, on the other hand, gets to live in what must appear to tory as this soft, fuzzy fantasy world where mom and dad take care of all the important stuff and sam doesn’t have to worry abt a thing.

i maintain that i don’t believe tory was tryna kill sam, but i do believe she rly wanted to hurt her. and she did…sam is hospitalized after the fight. tory goes back to cobra kai to train for the next one. bc that’s what tory’s life is, one fight after the next. she doesn’t have the luxury of treating karate as a means for meditation or recreation like sam does. and i truly think that impacts that dynamic more than often given credit for.

[common-blackbird]

The Poppy War thoughts

Eversince i’ve played dragon age, i wanted more of fantasy (and just couldn’t finish stolen throne... i just... i’m struggling) so i read the poppy war bc i saw some good reviews about it.

The only thing i knew about the book was that it has a strong anti-war message and it is based on opium wars & chinese mythology. (it has actually elements of any events of history of china combined).

Having binged it in 3 days, my thoughts are scattered, so if you’re reading this: i’m sorry. Everything i say is personal opinion that is open to changes bc this book really did hook me and despite my criticisms, it is good enough to read the sequels so overall i can already say that i really like it.

the shortest version of my thoughts on the book is that it has a good theme with a solid execution, but the characters leave me wanting.

THE PROS

Just like any anti-war themed story, this one has a lot of war in it. But instead of going full-on “war is bad”, the characters here are trained for it and while not explicitly want it, they do not condone it. In fact, the only one who is supposed to frown at the senselessness of the war is the reader themselves with some warnings from 2 characters that serve as a call of moral conscience. But it doesn’t start with the war at all. It starts with an underdog characters making her way up through ranks by her willpower. While she’s exceptionally smart, that doesn’t make her special, and she faces a fair share of failures. She gets into a prestige academy made for training generals and such, but gets pulled into mystical world of shamanism, walking a thin line between godlike powers and madness as well as controlled use of and addiction to opium. Once we discover the gods, the plot turns to war and the main character is a part of it. And this is where the interesting theme comes in as well as world-building.

There are three main powers at play + one that doesn’t directly appear in the story:  the Nikara empire (imagine china), The Mugen Federation (imagine imperial Japan) and the Island of Speer (the warrior people that got enslaved by nikara empire).

From the start there’s mention of genocide of speerling people and the question of why that happened. There are three culprits: the Mugen Federation that commited the genocide; the Nikara Empire that sacrificed and let the Island of Speer fall under the hands of the mugen, so that the westerners would get involved; the Speerling queen that many years ago allowed the Speer island fall under Nikara and get enslaved which, at the very end, resulted in this tragedy.

And while at first it really seems a simple answer of innocence of the Speerling, the doubt is created by the lore: there are gods at play, and the speerling worship one of the most violent gods of all: the god of rage and vengance and fire. A lot of times, the plot suggests that the genocide is the final result of the greediness of gods and the lines between right and wrong become very blurred.

The main question this book posed was: would you, as a leader of your people, take responsibilty and act in the interests of your people and unleash the terrible power that would create hell on earth, or would you, as a human with an access to terrible power, act morally and sacrifice your own people to the most awful suffering imaginable to prevent the hell on earth?

There is no right choice: you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.

This is what keeps you going throughout this book. What will the choice be? There are plenty of hints at what is the right choice, and you’re just watching a disaster in the making, which is pretty enjoyable and incredibly frustrating.

Also, there is a gore scene that is so well written that it makes you sick to your stomach. You can’t believe people are capable of that. And yet they are.

Another thing that i didn’t expect but am not against is that, instead of humanizing the enemy, you get one, maybe two hints that the enemy is just a human being. But in general, the enemy is so abstract you feel nothing for them and they commit such atrocities you really don’t want to feel anything for them. It gives a sense of false security in the protagonist’s higher moral ground and makes their choices all the more harder.

The plot moves at a very fast pace which makes the book addicting. the flow of time is quick, there’s no rest, things are happening one after another, you start forgetting you started with the school setting bc you’ve ended up with sieges, massacres, imprisonments and godly realms.

Speaking of godly realms, they are interesting, though scarce, but the way they influence the mortal realm makes you believe in the cruelty and the danger of gods, regardless of what they are. Combination of accessing godly powers with opium was a great choice bc shamaism is often discarded as simply being high. The use of opium in the story was amazing: it is a drug, it is an blessing, it is an instrument, it is a torture device. The gods are deeply intertwined with disasters, and the question of power and suffering gets into frontline because them. It’s mystic, mysterious and hooks you up.

THE CONS: The characters. the characters aren’t much fleshed out and are lacking dynamics between each other, and the main character lacks credibility of her choices.

The main character is a war orphan who hated her foster family as much as they hated her and she made her way to prestige academy. there are 4 important people that become important for her during the book that she meets in the academy: the eccentric teacher, the famous perfect student that is the last of the speerling race, her nemesis and rival rich guy and her very smart friend.

Everyone else is pretty much a plot device. The problem is that, while the main character is interesting in the part of the book where she’s learning and making her way in the academy, she becomes uninteresting when the war starts. In academy she fails a lot, she needs to fight for herself and find alternative ways when everyone is against her. She’s so active. She starts learning bizzare things and is entering the realm of gods that is extremely challenging for her practical mindset. It is so satisfying to read. But once that is over, she becomes a pretty much passive character that observes what is happening around her and rarely does anything of significance until the very end. What really bugged me was that (SPOILER:) She is said to be another speerling, and at one point that is still only a possibility that everyone believes, but does not need to be true, especially since no one made the connection at all, and she herself doesn’t have any connection to the culture, but in the end she becomes radically invested in it for no apparent reason. Her reccuring theme in the beginning is that she doesn’t belong anywhere, but that is, after a while, just discarded theme, bc suddenly, with no apparent reason, she’s all in for a culture she doesn’t know much about.

Her choices would have made more sense if her questioning and regrets were slowly waning as the story progresses. this is about having no choice. This is about bitterness creeping upon you until you see there’s no other answer but the wrong choice. But turns out, she just suddenly feels angry, suddenly feels regret, but suddenly she doesn’t care, but suddenly she does, and that is a recurring cycle. It would have and does make sense for one other character, who in fact did go through a lifetime of suffering and is simply so bitter that everything he does he does out of desperation and spite without making you lose your trust in his humanity. It’s a tragic story. The main character? The amount of empathy she has, second thoughts before she chooses, it just doesn’t make sense that she chooses the same thing over and over. Especially with everything she’s seen. But whatevs. That was my biggest issues. Even knowing she’s going to always make the wrong choice, it could have been more satisfying. It’s obviously intended to make her gradually enraged, but she’s so much in her spectator role, there is no feeling of actual rage from her.

Another thing that makes it inconvincing is that i experience no real loss from her. She had nothing to lose. The first person she’s supposed to lose was the nemesis rich guy whom she regretted that they weren’t friends bc they really function good. Turns out he has a fake death - is actually alive, and not so wounded bc of mysterious reasons. Then he dies again (which will inevitably result in another fake death bc the explanation for the first fake death was left hanging), and her belief in his certain death made her rage turn towards, not the enemy, but her own comander/perfect student genocide survivor, who decided to rather save an enemy soldier for questioning than let her save her comrade.

Then there was the massacre scene where she could have lost her dearest academy genius friend, but it turned out he was a survivor, so again, lot of traumatic scenes for her, but she still lost only the nemesis guy.

Lastly, she loses her commander/perfect student genocide survivor, whom she most of the time didn’t agree with, but did come to empathize  with him bc his story is so tragic, he wants to die. He dies a meaningful death for himself, destroying his own enemy, and that is what hits her the most. Probably bc she felt they were kin by then.

Lastly, her relationship with her teacher is just a moral compass of what she should do, but it’s the only convincing character dynamic that makes her chose wrong, bc she can’t understand him and he’s really bad at explaining things.

OTHER POINTS

the writing style... i like how it’s ambiguous: no clear descriptions, fast pacing, cut-to-the-chase dialogues. On the other hand, there are so many little things that irk me. Most of all is that many times things are mentioned and then explained. like, somebody says an unexpected thing in a dialogue and then the narrative shortly explains the change of stance.

To make an example, there’s plenty of description of what happened after the bad choice, but not once there’s description of what it felt like when what she was warned about happened to her. that happens only after it’s mention in a dialogue. A banal thougth out example: the god tells protagonist she will burn endlessly. Shit happens. We see the world. She meets comrades. She gets judged for her actions. She’s a little sad, a little angry, a little relieved. Then she’s chatting with a guy and he asks her why she needs drugs so much. She answers that needs to rest. And then the narrative starts that ooooh, the god never left her and keeps screaming in her head (even if we don’t see any consequences of her having a god in her head), that she’s constantly in pain and can’t stop burning (even though we are reading from her POV and see nothing that indicates that). I know i should just gloss over it, but i’m so.. needlessly critical, ignore me.

(also there’s a supposed rivalry between her and the guy who’s helping her for the good graces of the commander/perfect student genocide survivor, even though at the time she’s angry at the commander and the book ends with her and the helping guy making  a pact and setting aside the supposed rivalry bc the commander is dead. What did i miss. Where was this rivalry? Why does it end with that???)

ALL IN ALL

it’s a compelling story that lacks a lot in some prospects, but the main theme really gets you going. There is bloodspilling, no actual romance, gore, not-very-convincing friendships, monstrous enemies who are wronged, moraly grey protagonists, grim outcomes and fast pace.

[kagehinataboke]

OMG PLEASE HOGWARTS AU, PLEASE. Can you do it with tdbk and platonic bkdk? (it would be interesting to see where you put them, bc i personally can't decide whether bakugou is a ravenclaw, slytherin or gryffindor. like, he's just SO smart but also ambicious -in the good way- and also brave and loyal so WTF, he can be EVERYWHERE) (deku is definitely a gryffindor imo and todoroki idk... maybe a raven? or sly? hmm) (IF YOU ADD SOMETHING WITH QUIDDITCH I WILL LOVE YOU MORE THAN I ALREADY DO)

ohhh yes!!! okay i was hoping for this one huhu, i have a million HP bnha headcanons ╰(✧∇✧╰) and wow um ily too uwu

tdbk: [18] Hogwarts AU

***

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Deku replies without looking up from his smoking mystery potion.

“Being an idiot, like you always fucking are,” Bakugou deadpans. “Are you trying to explode the common room?”

“He’s focusing,” Kaminari replies from his spot across the table. The words don’t mean much considering he’s wearing safety goggles. “Let him work, Bakugou.”

“First of all, shut up. Second of all, who the fuck let you in here, Hufflepuff bastard?”

“That’d be me!” Deku chimes happily, wincing a second later when his potion hisses. “Oh, it’s not supposed to do that.”

“What the hell is it supposed to do?” Bakugou grumbles, taking a seat a safe distance away from the inevitable disaster-in-progress. “Actually, don’t even tell me. I just came to relax before the match—which is what you should be doing instead of playing potions professor.”

“You should be thanking me,” Deku replies. “I’m making this just for you.”

“I don’t even know what it is!”

“Amortentia with a fun little twist. Oof!” Deku jerks his head back when the potion lets out a stream of black smoke. “It’s supposed to be a major improvement, but I guess I really messed it up.”

“And it’s for me?” Bakugou wrinkles his nose at the awful smell—like sugar and burning roses. “Ugh… When did I fucking ask you to make me a love potion, huh?”

Kaminari and Deku both snort, plus several other nearby Gryffindors. “Please,” Kaminari says, “you’re so in love, it’s like there’s a sign on your forehead. If a Flutterby bush was around this century, it’d lure you with the smell of Todoroki Sh—“

“Shut your fucking mouth,” Bakugou hisses, pulling out his wand threateningly. “I swear, Kaminari…”

“Okay, okay: calm down. You know it’s true.”

“Everyone calm down,” Deku says lightly, pushing his potion into the nearest trash bin—ignoring the little mushroom cloud that puffs up around it. “You said we should get ready for the match, right? Kaminari, please go.”

“Geez, you jerks. I’ll go hang out with Shinsou instead.” Kaminari gets up with a dramatic flick of his robes and flips them off on his way out. “Gryffindors are supposed to be nice!”

“Where does it say that, huh? Fucking nowhere!” Bakugou yells before taking the now vacant seat across from Deku with a murderous glare. “Did you fucking tell him?”

“You know I would never do that. Like he said, it’s just really… obvious?” Deku shifts nervously under Bakugou’s glare. “You were clearly pining for him at the Yule Ball, and you even set his date’s hair on fire. I’m pretty sure the only one who doesn’t know you like him is, well, him.”

“That’s bullshit,” Bakugou protests irritably. “I’m not obvious! I treat that bastard worse than anybody.”

“That’s its own type of obvious.” As always, Deku changes the subject before things can get too heated: “Are you ready for the match? It’s against Slytherin, and… you know…”

His attempt to diffuse the situation is pointless because they’ve circled right back to Todoroki. He’s the Seeker for Slytherin, which means Bakugou will be spending most of the rainy afternoon stuck in a quidditch pitch with him. Not that he hasn’t done that before, but the idea is growing more torturous as his stupid feelings persist. Maybe he could use that Amortentia, after all.

But no: ignoring it is the best solution. He’s done it before, and he’ll keep doing it. “Obviously I’m ready. Let’s fucking go.”

***

“Shinsou Hitoshi scores! Ten points for Slytherin!”

“Dammit,” Bakugou swears under his breath, righting his broom after Shinsou’s rough check. They’re already behind, and the game’s barely started. Not for long, if he has anything to say about it.

“Wonderful goal by team captain Bakugou Katsuki, quickly earning back those lost ten points for Gryffindor!”

“Nice one,” Deku praises when Bakugou passes him the quaffle. “I’ll get the next!”

He races off, tailed by two Slytherins, and Bakugou pauses to think of a strategy. He’s gone against the Slytherin team a thousand times and picked apart their weaknesses, but they just overcome them again and again. It’s impossible to—

A green blur shoots past. He’s quicker than a bolt of lightning, but Bakugou sees him as if he’s traveling in slow motion: Todoroki. He keeps his focus on the Snitch, but Bakugou is still shaken by his presence.

“Todoroki Shouto is hot on the Snitch’s tail, and Gryffindor’s Seeker is nowhere in sight! Will the game be won right here, folks?”

Damn that beautiful, shitty bastard… Bakugou can’t stop him from catching the Snitch; he probably can’t even try. All he can do is watch him. Well, actually, he can try to rack up points—he should be trying right now. Even if Todoroki is faster than lightning, Bakugou is more ruthless than thunder.

Fuck, okay, that sounds lame. He’s definitely never saying that out loud. He needs to keep his head in the game.

“Bakugou Katsuki scores another ten points for Gryffindor!”

“Got it!” Deku yells, putting his broom into a tailspin to catch the falling quaffle. “Just keep those guys off my back, Kacchan.”

“Don’t fucking tell me what to do,” Bakugou grumbles, rushing off to stop Slytherin’s Chasers anyway. Todoroki is somewhere far above him, fighting to grab the Snitch. It feels like a race between the two of them, even though they’re leagues apart.

Fuck, he’s supposed to be focusing. Maybe Deku and Kaminari were right when they said he’s too obvious about his feelings… Not that he’s trying to be, but still—

“Watch out!”

“What?” Bakugou mutters. He has just enough time to look up before the rogue Bludger hits him in the chest, The breath is knocked out of him, and he goes flying straight off his broomstick.

So much for keeping his head in the game.

***

“When he wakes up, you guys are so dead.”

“What? It wasn’t our fault the Bludger went rogue.”

“One of you could’ve hexed it. It wouldn’t surprise me.”

“You wanna say that again, you little—“

“You kids are being too rowdy! One of you can stay, but the rest have to go. Now.”

It suddenly becomes much quieter, and Bakugou carefully peels his eyes open. He expects to see a worried Deku or Kirishima, so for a second, he thinks his eyes must be going bad. Todoroki is sitting in the seat beside his bed, silently reading a transmutation textbook.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Bakugou mumbles, struggling to form the words. God, he better not have a fucking concussion.

“I came to see how you were doing.” Todoroki sets down his book, expression as annoyingly unreadable as usual. “…I didn’t catch the Snitch, in case you were wondering.”

“Good to know. You make it sound like it’s my fault, Half n’ Half asshole.”

“It is. Technically. I got distracted when you fell, and I couldn’t focus afterward.”

“Oh really?” Bakugou has to swallow back his surprise that Todoroki was worried about him enough to throw him off his game. He’s supposed to be pissed right now. “Still not my fault. The fucking Bludger went rogue on its own.”

Todoroki doesn’t say anything for a while, catching his lip between his teeth. Dammit, is he trying to give Bakugou a heart-attack? “I was worried,” he mumbles eventually, studiously avoiding eye contact. Another pause. “Sorry… You’re always watching me, so it’s… strange for our roles to be reversed.”

“I’m not always watching you, asshole. Who the fuck said I was?” He knows. He knows, and Bakugou isn’t even sure why he’s pretending anymore, but it’s probably for the sake of his pride. Todoroki definitely isn’t buying it, though.

“You thought I didn’t notice? It’s rather obvious, Bakugou.”

Again, those fucking words. These bastards are all sharing the same thesaurus or some shit. Bakugou really wants to lose it and snap at him, but he knows Todoroki isn’t trying to start something: he never is. “If it’s so damn obvious, shouldn’t you be staying away from me?”

“What? Why would I do that?”

“Well, you should hate me now, right? Aren’t you disgusted that I like you?”

“Who said I hate you?” Todoroki frowns in his stupid, idiotic, cute way. “I don’t hate you at all. I thought you hated me. You always pick fights, so when I started to notice that you like me, it was a shock.”

“Fuck… When did you notice?” Bakugou grumbles in defeat, wanting to sink into the covers until he suffocates. He clicks his tongue. “God… I was even being shitty to you on purpose, dumbass. I didn’t want you to know.”

“I was suspicious for a long time. When someone stole my herbology textbook, I saw you looking for it after class. That’s when it finally clicked.” Todoroki fidgets with the edge of his quidditch uniform: he must’ve come straight from the pitch. “I only came here to say that I… I can’t exactly say that I don’t have feelings for you. That’s all.”

“Fuck.” Bakugou closes his eyes. His head is spinning. “Shit. I must really have a concussion.”

“…Please don’t say that while I’m confessing to you.”

“Well say it fucking properly, then. Give me a reason to believe you.”

“I…” Todoroki hesitates. “…I like you.” His fingers brush against Bakugou’s arm gently, lighter than a feather. “I’m in love with you. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“Honestly? For as long as I can remember,” Bakugou sighs, marveling at the simple action of holding Todoroki Shouto’s hand. His skin is soft as hell. “Fuck. Guess I don’t need that Amortentia, after all.”

God, he really hopes this isn’t a dream. Or, well, it can’t be a dream, can it? It would be much nicer and less confusing if he was dreaming, and Todoroki would definitely be kissing him right now. Instead, he scoffs. “Amortentia? You were going to use a love potion on me?”

“I was going to, but apparently I don’t need to anymore.”

“…I can’t believe I fell in love with you.”

“Trust me, pretty boy: the feeling’s mutual.”

[dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt]

@myriadimagines x Maeve / Dick / Donna

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAM!!!! When your birthday comes around I never know what to say, because words can never express just how amazing you are and how much you mean to me, and everybody else who knows you!! You are such a treasure, you are so, so kind, so wise, and considerate, and beautiful inside and out. Your writing touches the soul, I don’t know how else to describe it. You’ve supported me through some of the worst parts of my life, sometimes without even knowing it, and I just wanted to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being yourself. You are such a wonderful, talented, sweet, genuine person, and I hope this year and the next chills out with the stress and brings you nothing but happiness. I’m going to stop before I get too sappy, but I love and appreciate you so much, and I’m so honoured to be able to call you my friend!!! 🌷🌷🎂🌷🌷

( + I galaxy-brained last night and thought ‘fuck it, I can’t decide, I’LL DO A LITTLE BIT OF ALL OF THEM!!’ bc I ship you with these three so much!! XD I haven’t watched the second season of Titans yet tho it’s not out on my Netflix aaAAA)

Maeve

“I don’t do boyfriends.”

The irony always brought a wry grin to her face. She’d been so busy building walls in the face of any male who tried his luck on her, she hadn’t noticed you sneaking up on her. No, sneaking wasn’t the right word. She just should have known better, especially hanging out with Otis and seeing how many varied relationships the school really contained. She couldn’t believe how thick she’d been. She smiled every time she spoke to you, for God’s sake, and it wasn’t a sarcastic smile, or a mocking one, it was a genuine smile, the one so few people saw, always hidden in her hair or bitten off before it could properly form. You saw it, almost every day.

She didn’t have to be anybody else around you, didn’t have to try to be better or worse than herself. You cared about her for her true self, and she didn’t know how to deal with that at first. You wormed your way past all her defenses and into her heart in the sweetest, most terrifying way possible. She held her breath when she first brought you to see her home, bit her fingernails almost to bits until you took her hand and told her that it had never mattered, not to you. You sat together for hours that night, talking about poetry, music, novels, history, anything that came to mind. You leaving at the end of the night was far more painful than she wanted to admit. The second she got the chance to go with you somewhere you could forget about the stresses of high school and life’s bullshit in general, she took it. A carnival just outside the city, the last day it was open. It was almost empty at the end of the day, and you two barely caught one of the last rides on the Ferris Wheel. You settled back in the seats, shoving candy floss into your mouths and trying to slow your breathing.

Maeve couldn’t help it. You were beaming, commenting on the unseasonable good weather, so beautiful she felt like she couldn’t breathe. The wind flung a strand of your hair across your face, and before you could move it, Maeve gently tucked it behind your ear. Your eyes met, and your hand lifted to touch hers. She looked for any sign that this wasn’t what you wanted before she leaned in all at once and kissed you, at the very top of the ride

Dick

He misjudged you heavily when you first met. Years later he’d laugh to himself about it. He thought you were soft and kind, and weak in the way most people were. He didn’t realize that kindness was your backbone. The first time you had teased back at one of his remarks, a shocked grin had found his face and he’d looked at you with a new light. Bantering with you quickly became one of his favourite things, even if you were “a pain in his ass”, said with utmost affection.

You were a good influence on him. He thought the violence inside him would snuff out any bit kindness that flickered to life - it always had. But you nurtured that kindness, expected it from him. He was... better, around you. You brought out the goodness in everybody you met, and he was no exception. He found himself making excuses to hang out with you, to walk you home, get a drink, schedule a ‘totally not a date’ date that you both showed up to several minutes late, after freaking out about what was going to happen and having to calm down and get advice from an exasperated friend. You bumped into each other at the doors of the restaurant, and he had to catch you before you both fell into a heap. It was awkward, but endearingly so. Neither of you knew how to navigate whatever it was growing between you, but somehow it didn’t matter. He had never met somebody like you before, somebody who could affect him without even trying, and he was going to figure out why.

He figured it out very quickly once you grabbed his hand to avoid spilling his coffee on you and he felt his heart skip a beat and a blush - a blush - crawl up the back of his neck. Great. Just what he needed. To be in l... no, no, he wasn’t. He could fight this.

Spoiler alert: no, he could not. He gave in one night and kissed your cheek, had about five seconds to silently panic in a way he hadn’t panicked in a long time, before you saw his eyes flash to your lips, gave in to your own emotions, and kissed him. Suddenly, it didn’t seem so awkward anymore... but the endearment stayed.

Donna

You two both have a bad habit of staring at one another when the other isn’t looking and thinking ‘how did I get this lucky?’ You never understood why Donna chose you, and Donna never understood why you chose her. Because it wasn’t a choice. You two had a connection the moment you first laid eyes on each other. The feelings developed in a soft, slow way. Nothing rushed, even if it was inevitable. Friends, to best friends, lingering in that grey state between that and something deeper for quite a while. Somehow it never bothered you. Donna knew you like nobody else did; she always seemed to get you. Even when you struggled to put things into words, she understood. You didn’t agree about everything, of course, but even in your disagreements you found some common ground.

She was your most attentive listener, dropping everything with a smile if you wanted to run a piece of writing by her. She told you she could listen to you read your work to her for hours, and she meant every word. Your voice gave out before she did. She was always so proud and happy with how she coaxed you out of your shell, overjoyed that it meant you could be open with her about your words and the things you loved. She would wind loose braids into your hair, take one of your hands and play with your fingers or drop a trail of light kisses across you knuckles while your attention was elsewhere. You never felt safer or more heard than when you were with her.

Lazy mornings were kind of your thing. Donna was punctual when she had to be, but any time she could get away with staying curled up with her girlfriend pressing kisses all over her cute face and talking about that new show on Netflix, she could and would get away with it.

Your first kiss was nothing spectacular. After an almost-date, collapsing down onto her bed to find something to watch or read as the routine went, but you couldn’t seem to look away from each other. The kiss was soft, and sweet, and so filled with love it almost made you cry. After, cuddled up with her while she played with you hair and you slowly dozed off, you did cry. She must have noticed, because she rested her lips against the top of your head and hugged you even closer.

[jessicahambys]

charmed reboot s2 rant below the cut!

so I finished the first season of charmed reboot, started season 2, and got so upset half way through I started typing a rant about the changes that got too long I deleted it. but now a couple hours later I’m still just So Upset I have to type it out. I’m not watching the second season because the changes are too great. the new showrunners really did press reset on the show wow. I’m gonna miss lucy, niko, and parker. they really stripped maggie & mel both of their powers and their main supporting characters didn’t they? cause really niko and lucy don’t seem like they’ll be coming back since they’re attached to the old setting, and it’s a longshot if jada and parker will return from wherever they each went in s1 now that the new showrunners are changing everything. 

I don’t mind hacy, but as a non-shipper from s1, the fact that they are suddenly shoved in our face with sexual tension and dreams despite the fact that 3 weeks ago in canon macy lost the man she loved, really just confuses me and turns me off? i would have preferred a slow burn for them, since I really didn’t see much (if any?) indication that these two would become a Thing until that last episode of s1. like I know they had sentimental moments, but harry had sentimental moments with all the sisters. and when the show tipped over to macy/galvin come the second half of the season, i followed along with them. in fact, coming into watching this show I knew people shipped harry/macy and was prepared to see a lot of them in s1, but was thoroughly surprised at how little I got from the pairing (personally I got more from harry/maggie dynamic), that when they seemed to hint that harry had feelings for macy in the last episode, I was surprised. they really leaned into macy/gavin and harry/charity in s1, that now that they’re leaning hard and heavy into harry/macy right off the bat in s2, I’m just a little blindsided by it. I’m okay with the ship, I just don’t like that they seem to be leading the way with the plots this season, that this dynamic in particular is so big in the show already given that there seemed to be little lead up as to why it is that way. 

I also hate that maggie’s not in school - we saw her struggle with that decision in s1 before deciding to become a pysch major, and now because they’re moved to seattle she’s just like nah, no school just gonna be a receptionist to carry my weight? ugh. I hate that! I hate that all her plots from s1 are basically gone come s2 (her empathy abilities, her relationship with lucy & kappa, her confusion over pursuing school, her love for parker). I hate how this random assassin has moved their lives entirely, and I hate that they used that to move them from their home, because when they inevitably defeat this foe at the end of the season and can come out of hiding, we all know they won’t be returning to hilltowne. 

also, how are these girls supposed to protect all witches if only 1 of them have their powers? I know they’ll get their powers back eventually ofc (tho I hope it’s the same powers they had in s1 and not new ones - that’d just be another thing completely changing for no real reason other than that the new writers want CHANGE! so bad they’ll literally take away the powers the characters spent a whole season learning to channel)  but I’m not a fan of maggie & mel being totally helpless while macy retains her demon abilities (new abilities tbh? we never saw her burn shit before, the most her demon abilities did before was evil sight, give her a new language, and gave her access to dark spells - nothing as active as what she’s got s2). in s1 I felt macy kinda Took Charge the most and had the most active power and thus was the one most involved in the fights/wins (mel’s time stopping was great but not Huge in action scene potential, really macy took the lead there). Now it’s just even more blatant that the girls can’t do anything without macy, and I don’t like that. 

I’m just thoroughly upset of the new direction of the snow. I know the first season was fast, plots were resolved within 2-3 episodes and it was a lil cheesy, but I enjoyed it. it was light, and fun, and when a plot came around that I didn’t much care for (harry’s son, for instance), I knew they wouldn’t drag on, which I appreciated. I also really really enjoyed their array of supporting characters. lucy was a standout - everytime she came on the screen you knew fun things were going to happen, her dialogue alone being enjoyable. niko felt important, the whole rewriting history storyline was emotional, and her relationship with mel felt soulmate-y, and I hate that we didn’t get a proper resolution to the end of their relationship (literally what was that? niko woke up from her coma with all her memories right? she clearly still had feelings for mel, and she was aware mel was a witch now - a secret that was drifting them apart now revealed. by all measures they should have been moving closer together following these revelations to niko, instead mel just gave her a wave goodbye (niko still wearing her magic-resistant ring), and disappeared? and niko’s just cool with that??? especially since everyone beilives they all died, niko’s a pi who is aware of the dangers of being a witch for mel - surely she must not believe she’s dead right??). parker was maggie’s first love, their love akin to that of star-crossed lovers, what with him being  a demon and her a witch, and how much they fought for each other. their relationship was essential to the overarching plot in s1, and at the end of s2 it’s v v clear they still very much love each other despite parker’s need to gain control over his new full demonness. tho he promised to return when he regained control, I’m nervous with the new showrunners, they won’t bring him back, and if they do, it’ll be in a love triangle fashion he might lose with the introduction of jordan as maggie’s new li  (I feel like it’d be just like the new runners to prefer their own li over someone leftover from s1, despite how much that s1 li developed as his own character and came to be important in an “I’ll always love you” way to to maggie).

I’m just upset over all these new changes, and I’m not a fan of them in the slightest. I’m feeling the same way as this reviewer here for the most part, and I’m just not happy about it, because I thoroughly enjoyed season 1, and was excited at the possibilities moving into s2 with the charmed ones leading supernatural forces far and wide (especially excited to see new pixies since chloe was so cute) in hilltowne, I normally don’t have any problems with dark shows, but with such drastic changes all the way through, not just in tone, but in setting and relationship dynamics as well, I just have little to no appeal in watching anymore. anyways, I had to get this down and share bc I’ve been binging this show these last few days and getting so into the relationships and characters, and was so excited to watch s2, that being so thoroughly disappointed and shocked come watching s2 just really surprised me and I wasn’t prepared for it, so I had to rant

[ofphcenixes]

THE PHOENIX || BLUE HAWTHORNE.

ok i won’t lie i stole this intro from veritas 2 kdJKDGF BUT ! if you want to get to know this guy definitely hit the readmore below *shaky eye emoji*. also hi i’m lilac i’m an admin and also a sims enthusiast anyways, back onto what’s important here, this lil bean called red blue !

personality

THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO BLUE FACTS. PLEASE TEXT ‘STOPBLUE’ TO CANCEL YOUR SUBSCRIPTION.

but if you have seen blue’s blog sidebar and title, i feel like you will gather a LOT about his personality lmfao

he is playful, jocular, and honestly? immature

always looking for the childhood he never got to have, y’know?

he is secretly very insecure and always has a need to please. if someone doesn’t like him, he’ll tear himself apart to figure out why.

he’s always telling jokes and always laughing. he’s known for his Memes and is always a good time to be around… if you know what i mean ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

but also Anti-( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) because ya boi has commitment issues so high they’re past the inevitable spaghetti monster that’s probably floating out there in space

he can also be very maternal when the need arises. he is not good at talking about emotions but he’ll give you a meme or a plate of cookies to Heal You

honestly? the human embodiment of a puppy. cannot be alone for very long, has a short attention span, and craves validation lmfao. give him a squeaky toy and he will be Contented

as a footballer he can be Tough on field when he needs to be but he’s also v sensitive and talks to birds he passes on his morning runs like he’s a disney princess djkgfdk

he struggles academically as he has a short attention span most of the time and thinks too little of himself. however, he’s a lot brighter than most people give him credit for. he’s incredibly creative and a lateral thinker. maths makes him want to die, tho.

also what’s money? blue does not know

to many, blue’s known as the troubled kid who turned his life around. to others, he’s known as the local Meme Dealer. but to a lucky few, he’s known as a friend who would do anything for you.

most just know him as the moron named after a colour tho.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

history. (trigger warning: illness, death, drugs, depression)

WHO’S READY FOR SOME CHROMATIC CONTENT

blue hawthorne, who never goes by his birthname bc he hates it dfkjgdgdf ( what is his birthname ? he’ll never tell ┌( ಠ‿ಠ)┘ ) was born right here in ashmont.

despite not having a lot - he grew up with just him and his mum ( his father left before he was born, never knew a thing about him ), in a tiny trailer park on the outskirts of town. a far cry from the opulent manors peppered all throughout town, and the very lifestyle blue’s mother was accustomed to as a child. however, the pair were content as long as they were together.

despite not having much, blue loved every second of his childhood. he wore his mischief like a crown, smiling wherever he went. he’d always resonated with a love of music and dance, and like his mother before him, danced. ballet was his passion growing up, and started as young as 5.

as a child blue was often teased for this, and the fact that he was so close with his mother. he was also very outspoken and strong-willed, and never let his peers get the best of him. he danced, he laughed, he bruised his knees at any given opportunity. what he lacked in possessions he gained in the abundance of joy he felt in his heart growing up. his mother and a few of his close friends were his world.

when blue turned ten, everything changed.

the jubilant, mischievous, but altogether kind-hearted boy was given the heart-breaking news that his mother had been diagnosed with cancer. margarette hawthorne, much like her son, was a fighter - and didn’t let such a diagnosis keep her down. despite their dwindling lack of funds now going towards medical bills, and the fact blue began sacrificing his own childhood as he took to the role of a caretaker of sorts for his mother, he never took his time with her for granted.

things were okay for a while. there was a point where the doctors were convinced that she was going to make it. blue was a fool. blue believed them.

at the age of thirteen, blue lost everything. he lost his place to live, he lost his childhood and lust for life, and he lost the person he loved most in the world. he lost his best friend.

it wasn’t long before the overbearing sympathy from those around him soured blue. he was sick of being bullied, people not liking him, and altogether not being in control. so what did this boy do ? he quit ballet (the thing he’d loved since he was able to stand), he started drinking, he got involved in a very bad crowd and became a frequenter of the local ashmont police station. blue became a certified Bad Boy™

blue was sent to live with the grandparents that despised him and never acknowledged his existence before that moment. righteous and conservative in their views, they had cast aside their daughter when she had blue out of wedlock, and only reached out to her in her final months. for this reason, blue despised these people (he refused to call them family). he tried his best to be appreciative of a house and food ( which was much better than anything he had growing up ). but he was cold. always cold.

as a teenager, blue fell into a rapid succession of bad decisions. still small, still frail in stature, he found himself at a dissonance with his image and began growing insecure about his looks, the years of torment weighing on him. he found anesthetic in the party scene outside of school, taking to alcohol and drugs as a sedative from the life he felt forced to lead. his grandparents were pigeon-holing him into a preppy, studious boy who’d go on to be a banker or a lawyer, when all blue had wanted to do was be himself. he couldn’t decide if he hated himself or he hated the world more.

at the age of 16, his rap sheet seemed to grow with each rising of the sun. he’d fallen in with a bad crowd, hardly ever heading ‘home’ and couch surfed. at the age of 16 he’d gotten his own car and lived more out of that than the stuffy house on top of the hill where he was supposed to stay. his grades were sinking towards the bottom of the barrel, he was always looking for validation from the bad kids he hung around with and made some very poor decisions in the hopes he’d be liked. in the hopes he’d find a new family.

the partying, the stream of hook ups, his criminal record (mainly with traffic offences, a few write ups for public intoxication and fighting), sobriety, the instability of his living situation and his future all came to boil just before he turned 17. physically he’d started to fill out, and look more like the man people know today. he was no longer frail and no longer weak, and when asked, he used to his fists to forge that path he thought he wanted.

after a dark night, it became apparent to blue that his path of self destruction was hurting no one but himself. whether by choice or by accident, he knew he wasn’t ready to see his mother again. so… he’d hit rock bottom with a spectacular thud. but blue knew the only way to go from there was up.

through nothing short than a McMiracle (sponsored by Ronald McDonald, bc no one else is rich enough to pull it off lmfao) blue managed to scrape by and complete high school.

blue had no doubt his family name (that of his grandparents) helped him secure an athletic scholarship to st etienne. in his year of transformation from 17 to 18 his grandmother had softened to the boy she’d always hated and was riddled with guilt for the years of mistreatment, and promised to pay for his education (that wasn’t covered by his scholarship) as long as he promised to make something of himself. his first year of college, things really started looking up for blue. he was finally back on track.

then woops, grim came a-knocking again

bidding farewell to the grandmother he was only beginning to know, his grandfather had no reason to extend her kindnesses, and cut blue off. at the age of 18 he was homeless, with nothing but a car and a handful of pokemon cards he’d had as a kid. not worth anything or even particularly sentimental, he just likes pokemond kgfjfd.

living in his car for a while before eventually crashing with a close friend, blue managed to absorb his days in study and in work. he quickly found his passion in helping kids, and giving them the childhoods that he never got. going into teaching seemed like a no-brainer.

although blue’s wild days are behind him, there are some things locked in his past that still haunt him. there are doors he never hopes to open again. but he got his fresh start, and is determined to live the life a young blue would have wanted for him, and one his mother could be proud of.

then the grim reaper came back a third time, his scythe begging for daisey rutherford.

the investigation.

blue’s connection to daisey is that they danced in ballet classes together… as you can imagine, daisey had to put on her Evil Training Wheels somewhere and unfortunately, blue was one of her earliest victims. teased constantly for his appearance, his love of ballet, his lack of wealth, and on awful days, his single parent household.

for the most part blue had grown resilient in ignoring these comments. but he never forgot how daisey mistreated him, and sparked a wave of similar comments from people in their year when they were only children.

hey now im not gonna rEVEAL (bc what if he is ??? :o ) anything relating to the crime if he was the murderer, but know he is Lorge and Strong and could probably push daisey over with his finger lmfao

it’s also worth noting that one of daisey’s parents, a beloved surgeon, treated blue’s mother whilst she was in hospital with cancer. the late detection of its return is what caused her death, and blue has been vocal in his blame in the rutherford family for the loss of the person closest to him ever since.

now i’m not saying blue did anything… but if he did, his ‘eye for an eye’ motive ? maybe not as crazy as you may think. especially when you consider your boi already has a criminal record. ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

plots.

atm i am still working on blue’s blob and getting his stats/connections page up BUT !! here are a few fun lil plots beyond his skeleton connections that i’d absolutely love to explore. also here’s his current connections page for further ideas ! 

CHILDHOOD FRIENDS  - blue grew up in ashmont, and didn’t have a lot of friends kfgjfd. if your muse would have been down for a Young Memey Mess that’s fond of a pirouette, blue is your Man. on the flip side, if your muse is one of the Cool Kids and is looking for potential animosity, i’d love someone who tried to squash blue like a bug in their youth (~:

FLIRTATIONSHIP - blue is currently in a (hidden) relationship, and for the first time in his life, gasp, might have feelings. but he’s a fucking walnut and refuses to admit that, so a plot of someone with an unrequited crush, a fun flirtationship, or even someone that just wants to be his wingman would not only be fun, but also incredibly painful - which is what we deserve. 8) (also note, blue is bisexual so any muse would work. <3)

COWORKERS - blue works as a trainer at the ashmont fitness centre ( …. dont @ maaria for the page not being done fgjdgkdf  WE ARE IN THE PROCESS OF UPDATING THE PAGES NOW KDFJGDKFJ). but i’d always be down for plots in the workplace !!

UBER - sorry for the lame ass name lmao but dkjfgfkd blue is not about the party scene anymore ( lowkey bc he’s afraid to get addicted again and throw away everything he’s worked so hard for). but he does care a lot about people, and a pal of his is v much still hooked to that lifestyle and he very dkfgjdf determinedly drives them home every time to ensure they’re safe. could be former party friends, could be current friends in some capacity. maybe there was an incident in their past that blue feels guilt over ( a fight perhaps, trigger warning - maybe an overdose?) and so now he looks after them. or even just having a sibling-like bond, which (as blue is an only child) i’d also love something like that!

STUDY BUDDY - blue is a moron and needs someone to help him not fail kdfjgdf. he may not be naturally adept at getting good grades, but unlike many, he’s trying his absolute hardest. in return, he’s more than happy to be your Meme Dealer. bonus points if it’s unlikely friends, or if they didn’t exactly get along at first. :D

FELLOW FOOTBALLERS - 2 bros sitting in a hot tub five feet apart bc they’re not gay. dkjgdgdf but for REAL. exploring the team dynamic of the football team would be so fun, especially with blue’s reputation and the fact he only started taking up the sport when he was about 15-16, which may be a lot later than other guys in the team.

RIVALS - god they’re probably rivals about memes and i hate that but that’s just what it is :/

ok i have nothing else to say other than thank you for being a sweetheart and reading through this ??? i know it was a McMess but, if you’d like to plot with said mcmess definitely hit me up - or wait it out a lil bc i plan to do some starter stuff and plotting later today. (~: love you all, and viva la daisey ! 

[romy350-romyakari]

So a quick question I have for you. (May not have a short answer) But what do you think Gula's personality to be like? What kind of strengths and weaknesses does he have? Beyond the obvious he's logical and reserved and clever, more in-depth traits that make his character fuller and more like a real person. I'd like to hear some of your deep analysation if you don't mind.

This has take long enough and I want to post it now. [Will edit this maybe later bur now I finish the visuals lets get down to this]

Oh boy

You call it

Everybody prepare bc this may have take me awhile but be ready for my analysis at some level of him.

Warning: this is kind of my personal view of all and may sound weird at some level but I am trying to make sense to all of them (Foretellers in general). I elaborate this in my way to plan some fanfics and to do so i kind of take my time on try to analyse what I had.

You may want to go straight to Conclusions but I point out too circular thoughts at the beginning just for the sake of think of this a bit more

Analysis of Gula:

Cold headed and one of the most clever and quick to catch up stuff that may be happening. He is between the Master of Masters apprentices one of the youngest and has a special friendship develop with Ava, the youngest between all as it seems.

This is the basic we know and I want to put as a base for what I will dive at some point and ramificate to them all in a light way just to reference a bit.

Observations:

Out of my obserbations between one of the strongest things the Master’s apprentices share is their faith that the Master is right.

Back on the scene where Ira confronts them and they acknowledge a nightmare roaming the scene cuts to a flashback which different from the present it has a warm and familiar vive. The Master hold them together, they would laugh and be somehow unite, but the present just will reveal how little they may actually know each other, most of them.

The fact that Ira doubts who to point as most of the other and the rest of the movie with the exception of the bond between Gula and Ava.

Why I point this? This is something special, Gula doesn’t seem to be close to anyone except Ava. He trusts her almost to a degree as his faith for the Master but on a friend to friend way, enough to reveal her and talk about his role completely and openly on his weakest moment .

+ He can care under his masks

Gula didn’t really like his role tha much I think. He didn’t even want the Master to disappear the way he did. But let me add my point on how he came to the conclusion he just wanted things to be the way they were before by summoning KH.

He seems to be usually quick to find a solution or reasoning with whatever he has in front of him but as time passes and he hasn’t been able to succeed as any other task he may have been previously assigned. Even with his best he may have feel the stress of all falling down as I guess, every passing day and thing going worse is clear sing that he hasn’t fuli hir role as his own expectatives. He only show his weak side on the moment he feels can’t deal with it alone after months.

+ Stress if you allow me to say.

It may be me but his minimum expressions show that he didn’t like the whole “Trust no one but yourself”. He may have let it pass about Invi, Ira and Aced but the fact it include Ava may throw him off been one of the closes person he had aside the Master. He wanted to trust her and he did, even if he constantly try to remind himself his Master words.

When he got lost and no more choices left for him to take on his mind there was the last plan: Summon Kingdom Hearts may lure the Master back, right? He would not let them fall intro such foolish actions, right? or so I think may be what pass through his mind or some nature of that. To everything fall since he in no able to fulfill his role.

+ Pressure which equals at rushed actions.

He may be one of the most precise and calculative between the 6 but, he at the end even if he is the genius one he does make mistakes. Like maybe talk a bit too much into the detail sometimes, he is young so understandable he rushes a bit too much sometimes, some few times really. When he slip the fact that Invi talk him into leaving Aced’s alliance he cover any mistake fluently and so naturally that I think he may know how to handle when he wants to clear stuff is he kind of messes up at this point but he could also play the facts though if you pay attention you can tell when he say something he didn’t need to on the moment. He sure knows how to keep an act if is need.

+ Effectiveness though minor struggles on the way

Gula is a boy who keep closed to others if people don’t try much to reach to him as I guess. Ava and the master seem the type to like to know the others but I think Ira, Invi, and Aced been young adults dealing with whatever is their duty they may have let pass the young one if he wanted to approach them or not, they would not mind. My faint guess is that he doesn’t show much of his true self to other and keep the cold headed manner since is what he may feel is expect to him and may be easier than show vulnerability of his own thinking and feeling at personal level, he may show it sometimes to the Master but I guess not that much since he may want to be probe at the others level been one of the youngest.

While I feel Ava been the most reachable one may have reach to him and with time build this friendship bond they have. The only scene I saw Gula drop his ‘mask’ was when He sincere to Ava and how he feel, how pointless his role seem or how much of almost a failure he got to be in a subtle way, he could no more and share with her what has been burdening him. But she could not help him because it go against her moral, he respect that and tae his mask up and wish for her the only thing the others didn’t say to him.

+ A mask over other mask

A/N: personally at this point I am sobbing a bit inside ; ;

But even after all, even if she turn him down, she is still his friend.

So i will touch the mobile game since I doubt their last conversation was that but his will be a bit more lighter so we can reach my conclusion. I can just assume a bit here and arrange facts but maybe is me trying to understand him.

After that on Back Cover I believe that wasn’t their final talk and may had another talk before the war but at this point I assume a pre-stress state creeping on them.

Gula may have go off with his plan but I don’t think he remember he badly even after that. He keep his believes strong towards his plans which I personally feel may be his attempt of ‘desperate try’ to get the Master to come back to all of them.

He may feel he can’t do anything about the end at this point.

In this moment on the timeline I assume pretty much each foreteller has fall in osme hole of pre-stress with the Keyblade War already on their heads. Which I assume took the drastic change I perceive on the story previously and at the war. Al is ending and I am not an expert but is the only thing I could think. Kids weren’t acting as kids too at this point in some cases because they were as well exposed to this opriment part of their story, fights between wielder became frequently and so all fall apart till it reach its end.

And the reborn.

He did try to wear his mask till the end and he did.

But it wasn’t over there as you know from the Epilogue on the Dark Seeker Saga. So let me one last time before reach the conclusions, there is so few left from me repeating stuff like crazy and to the best resume I can give and is more simple but I want to point this out before dive into it.

He got back to life, but even so you all hear him ask Luxu a reason why would he not include Ava. The bond of this two is a special thing I think the Master didn’t mind but will always be something to the matter, because they care about each other and if Ava’s out I have high expectation for him to want to know what become of her.

Hear me right here, the Master may still be important to them but Gula was expecting the Master to appear, maybe a childish thing that he would save them all because he was always hold in high regard by all of them but I think his faith may be starting to shake on a slightly not solid ground. Ava didn’t help him bug did give her an answer and even so is still his friend as so he to her.

Friendship has proved to be a factor that can get you to change views or who you choose to ally so I suppose he may play along but may not let this down, still this is a faint though with all going and and I first write most of the important remarks for this before this semi rambling part, sorry about that.

Conclusions:

Gula is a teenager that has got big responsibilities, may wear a mask ver the real one with his cool headed demeanor. tuns down companionship but if you get to actually know him you may notice this is just one side of his personality.

Weighted with the responsibility to stop an inevitable betrayal, and torn between his master’s orders and the believe one of the few he trusted till he could not longer wanted to do it all alone. shows weakness and vulnerability only with the ones he trusts and can keep appreciating said trusted people even if they are not up to help him on the moment. Loyal to some degrees.

Slips and messes up but tries to keep the control of the situation even so, flexible as the situation calls. but will always to be reasonable unless he is really into do a thing on his way, so kind of stubborn I will say.

Sassy when it calls and also probably honest s needed, a mechanism to comebacks or protection maybe but mostly used to handle situations.

May have his reasons to be so close and reserved. Life is not always fair you may guess.

At the end he is just a kid would may have been happy with the few he had before all this mess start to fall down and deserve a better guidance on social skills. He means no bad but truly would be more understood if there could have been time to work with his reserved ways and mistrust to the world in general out of his closed circle of people he trusted.

He is clever but still just a kid handed down a responsibility of something bigger than him.

He as the other may have get this to work if they have know at some good portion each other and had a light weight of trust. But that wasn’t the case this time.

He is a piece on this game after all where he still may remain for a while while, or who knows?.

Okey so I finally end this mess, I did some doodles but most of all I wanted to go around this thing I may overthinking and so. i truly love gula for the many ways you can read though him slowly and maybe I can help but wish happiness for him or so I hope, because he as the others deserve a chance to learn many thing out of dutty and be more than just a piece of something that was set to be.

I don’t think he means bad but I wish he could have learn more, maybe if he were to connect with others he would have archive some progress with his way to be, I believe it may had to do with past experience but out of all, I wish i could know more on what he think out of all of been back. If he goes full change of banc I am going to cheer for him and even the other as sobbing, is just maybe that I see him and the other as humans as possible gets me soft but I wish each of them could work on their own issues with the time flow on them and encounters in the future

Geez I suck at this and just may go in circles but I think it maybe was good to remak.

Thanks for getting this far if you read all!

[make-it-mavis]

got any nsfw headcanons for the shit goblins? :)

OooooOOOoooh sugar, what a can of worms you just opened.

I actually did make a post about the development of their physical relationship here, and how it helps them learn to communicate with each other.

But as for general HCs? Yeah I got a few lmao. Listen, sexuality has been one of my special interests for years, I love using it for character building. It’s so fun.

Beneath the cut will be lots of naughty HCs. 18+ for some explicit/graphic language. You’ve been warned.

Mavis has a huge punishment kink. Her favorite is being caught in the middle of a naughty deed and being forcibly punished for it, being scolded all the while. But scolded in a way that’s still sort of complimenting her on what a slick prankster she is. Things like, “Finally, I got my hands on you. Wait ‘til everyone hears how I finally put the arcade’s biggest problem in her place.” Just as an example. But she never submits immediately – she’s a really bratty sub that likes egging her partner on so she’ll get punished even more.

Along with that, she’s a real big masochist. Mavis loves almost anything that makes her feel a rush, and pain’s a big one. She loves Turbo’s sharp teeth and how bitey he is. She loves being choked, slapped, scratched, having her hair pulled, being tied up too tight, etc. It’s very rare that she comes out of an encounter without at least a few marks.

Turbo, for the most part, loves being in control. He loves having his ego stroked even more than his dick. Winning a struggle for dominance is a big one, so it’s good that Mavis isn’t a pillow princess and fights back. He loves being worshiped in any way – really let it show how much you love touching him. Begging and praise are huge turn-ons, and there’s nothing he loves more than reducing Mavis to the point where she’s mad with desire.

Turbo loves dominant sorta roleplay shit but not the usual "daddy" or "master" kink. He likes being treated like royalty, being called things like "your majesty/grace/highness/flattering word" or "my king/lord", and showered with so much praise, affection, and adoration that it borders on worship. Mav's role in that scenario is the unruly court jester, a snarky playful little shit that's still ultimately there to entertain the king. (Hilarious if you think of Pyrite later) 

That being said, though, very occasionally, Turbo’s been known to enjoy being dominated. People constantly in control or with a lot of power tend to like playing into the fantasy of a power shift in the bedroom. It’s a safe, rewarding way to experience losing, which is otherwise so taboo for him. That’s not to say he’s 100% submissive either, he’s less of a bratty sub and more of a straight up spiteful sub. Glares, insults, growling, nipping at fingers. He hates how much he loves it.

With that, the things he tends to “enjoy” the most are being tied up, being degraded, being leashed and commanded. He’s not as much of a masochist as Mavis but he still enjoys some biting, hair-pulling, and a bit of choking. As a sub he often takes on the role of a wild, ill-tempered animal that needs to be broken into an obedient pet. That involves a nice mix of teasing, praise, punishment, and humiliation while still encouraging him to push back and refuse to fully submit. Quite often, those scenarios end with him either being freed or breaking out of his restraints and going wild on Mavis, overpowering her and paying her back for all the rough treatment. Resistance and scolding on her end is all part of the scene, but before long, she’s always pulling hard on the leash and urging him on, praising him for being such a good demon boy. He earned his reward.  

I’d like to think that they own a strap on (it’s Mavis’ dildo), but straight-up pegging is not something Turbo’s down with. That level of submission is just a smidge too far for him. Which is fine. But Mavis still likes to make him suck her strap-on dick, especially if he’s tied up and she can knot a fist in his hair and force his head down onto it or fuck his mouth. Turbo’s straight, but he’s pretty secure in that fact (and homophobia kind of isn’t a thing in my arcade ‘verse). He’s sucking a dick, but it’s a girl’s dick, so he’s still into it. (Transphobia isn’t a thing either. Gender’s super vague and unimportant.)

I’ve been asked enough times to remark upon it what Turbo’s dick is like. I hadn’t thought of it too much bc for me, dicks aren’t all that exciting appearance-wise lmao. But it’s inevitable if I’m going to talk nsfw about him. So my answer is…. length-wise, it’s pretty average, but it’s a little bit on the thicker side. I believed I described it as, it’s just nice enough that you might see it and be like, “Goddamn it, such a fuckin’ douche canoe doesn’t deserve a dick that nice.” It’s not all that vascular, it’s grey, and it gets darker towards the head. (I know I’m gonna have to draw it eventually. I draw nice dicks so be ready)

This isn’t relevant to the shitgoblins really but I think that the Twins have similar dicks to Turbo’s since they’re all brothers, but theirs are on the longer side rather than the thicker side. Mavis has seen them, and she just laughed, to the Twins’ displeasure.

No one’s asked me what Mav’s vulva looks like (and thank god actually thats a weird question but at the same time why not???? vulvas are nice) but I guess all I can say about it is… it’s cute? To match her “cute Disney-faced young woman” aesthetic. I have to imagine that if Disney studios ever did porn animations they would draw really idealized labia. ALL VULVAS WOULD LOOK THE SAME. That’s a concept I’ve tried to battle with my own nsfw art where I can, but for Mav I can only picture her with simplified cutesy bits. Soft, supple, pink, blushy, etc. Does not at all mirror how she likes said bits to be treated lmao. But I will gift her with a nice, decent sized clit because you can’t stop me

SHE TASTES tangy and sweet like cherry pie filling

Here’s a fun one. I mentioned that Mav is a masochist. I think she takes that to an extreme in her game. For someone not programmed with in-game death or defeat, dying’s probably almost as painful as DYING dying before respawn. And respawn’s gotta be a dizzying rush of relief from that pain. So… I think she occasionally get off on respawning LOL. She only does this alone, though, as she asked for Turbo’s help with it once and he did not end up having a good time. As it turns out, he’s not into killing his partner in bed, lmao.

Mavis’ brush and paint can are loaded with some of her most dense code, so much that she can feel touch through them, and they’re, shall we say, erogenous zones. Turbo knows this and likes to swipe her brush in public and fiddle around with it just to tease her. She also frequently uses the handle of it to fuck herself. 

The shitgoblins are REALLY into PDA. Turbo likes to show off the action he’s getting and Mav just loves the taboo of it. They make out in open public spots all the time, will casually get a little handsy while talking to people, and will straight-up fuck where they can. Tapper’s supply closet is a fave, as well as Niceland’s penthouse, as well as a dark corner of the Qix nightclub. Hidden rooms and alleys in other games work, too. But the best of all is Gene’s closet, with his expensive cashmere cardigans used as cum rags.

Mav is really good at deepthroating. It’s nothing to her.

Turbo has been known to come pretty fast, but he has the peculiar ability to be ready to go again in record time. He’s like the Energizer bunny. He just keeps fuckin’ going.

That’s all well and good, because once they’re fully used to fucking, Mavis develops a taste for overstimulation and likes being fucked past her limit. That’s where communication and a safe word comes in handy.

Since he’s a Speed Demon, Turbo has unusually high body heat. This means… yes, this means his jizz is really hot. Excuse me.

Turbo rarely admits it but he’s obsessed with Mavis’ ass. He loves grabbin onto it while they fuck, and loves casually feeling her up (with her consent of course). A particularly nice view of Dat Ass can throw him completely off what he was doing. Same goes for her legs.

Mavis has a thing for Turbo’s hands. She otherwise never wants hands to touch her so they’re a real special thing to her. He often doesn’t even have to touch her anywhere particularly erotic to get her going – just the fact that she’s being touched is exciting enough. That being said, she loves being fingered, and she loves having his fingers in and around her mouth, to satisfy her oral fixation.

Mavis is of the “try everything once” attitude. Turbo’s a bit more of a princess than her, but probably more adventurous than the average person.

As much as Turbo likes to finish inside her, he’s also got quite a taste for spilling all over her, as a sort of possessive way to mark/claim her. She’s all his, after all.

They looooooove fucking while high.

I think thats enough for now lmao congrats on consuming so much dirt!!

[thebeauregardbros]

“Do they buy into the "happily ever after" ideal? What's their standard?”

(repost bc tumblr is broken) [WARNING: BACKSTORY SPOILERS]

In the shortest of words; He did, but does not any more.It seems that Alus’ life has been a constant struggle and repetition of finding hope and shortly thereafter loosing it, though his strength in heroism is near-unwavering and incredible in ultimate. Each time the blow of reality comes a bit harder than before, but the first blow still may had been the hardest - enough so that Arc’s hope had died long ago. —————- The first blow being, perhaps predictably, the calamity of the fallen moon. Though many lost their memories of such a time, Alus and Arc still have vivid memories locked close to their hearts of the days of youth in traveling the entirety of Eorzea and hearing heroic tales of so many an adventurer. Some of the fanciest tales came from their own adoptive father - A Gwenneg Beauregard. He told both fiction and reality, and his greatest passion in life was grabbing the attention of his children with such wonders. He was the hope giver; their inspiring bard, a man of leadership in a position of poverty, but ultimately their greatest hero. A man that never made them feel like the world was destined for destruction. Although the calamity was ultimately a victory for Eorzea, many things were still lost and unsaved - and such a life as Gwenneg’s was unfortunately one of them while the brothers stayed safe, far away. The details of such an event are one of the few things they unfortunately struggle to remember proper, however the effect was still immense. After multiple negative instances of skipping from caretaker to caretaker in an age of roughly 15 each, Gwenneg’s remaining acquaintances and friends finally generously offered to put the children in a somesuch of a private school instead, and the brothers objected - no longer wishing for outside help, no longer trusting of those they didn’t deem especially close. In truth they were ultimately just stubborn, feeling betrayed by the thoughts of heroism and truth and perfection they had until then were told to be reality. Due to circumstances I am not in the place to name, Arc eventually left Alus on his own to find his own path in life. Alus thenceforth passively accepted the invitation to schooling, unsure what else to do - completely alone, completely devoid of order from those he trusted, his last resort accepted. The next several years of his life were spent with his heads in the clouds, dreaming of stories old and new like the ones his father used to tell. His heart and mind swelled over time with unrest, and after failing his final quiz - He quit, and left back for Eorzea. Near the docks of Limsa Lominsa did he meet his brother again by chance, now working as a common bartender.Alus now had as much of a motivation to move on as Arc seemingly did back then when he had left him; He would become a hero like in Gwenneg’s tales. He would bring happiness and order back to the world as a knight in shining armor, a heroic paladin or prince charming. He would do everything in his power to once again fight for what he believed in, regaining the trust he had in Gwenneg back then - Carrying on his legacy in creating it as reality’s truth when it had previously proven to him to have fallen from grace for the egg’s cracking.Although Alus may have had the right to be upset at Arc at that time, he had promised himself to spread trust and happiness to the world. He accepted Arc back with open arms, and Arc willfully followed him - despite acting a bit of a inelegant party animal at times instead of a hero. That was the first regaining of hope.Moons passed - Alus and Arc quickly and miraculously climbed the latter to heroic stardom thanks to their incredibly well-synced teamwork and the immense sheer determination in Alus to become what he wished to.Three small words passed by the lips of one of those they helped - “Warrior of Light” was reminded and resounded inside them. “That is it..! I am a Warrior of Light!” Alus exclaimed. Arc shook his head in disbelief, saying again and again that it was only a legend, nothing more. Though Alus - he was not one to give up hope anymore. His heart screamed it to be true, and that was thenceforth what he would believe in himself.More moons passed. Higher and higher profile work was given to them for the good of mankind. They created friends and followers, partners-in-arms believing in their message. Although they were both a bit socially awkward, their childish dreams slowly became more and more true, and continued to do their best to lead a small army. Eventually, however, this inevitably stepped on some toes of power enemies, armies even they could not conquer.A large-scale battle went sour. Alus and Arc were lucky to live through it again, but showed up late due to an outside deception. Dozens of bodies surrounded them. Alus did not understand, it could not be comprehended to his innocent and optimistic mind. He cradled the bodies already going cold, doing his best to cast his measly healing spells - to no avail. Once the bodies were buried, Alus went again to the statue of Thal whence he regularly prayed - and in anger, smashed his hand into it. “Why must they be taken?” he spoke in a shaky voice. “Is this not imbalanced?!”he screamed. Yet again hope felt crushed and illogical to his thoughts. In Alus’ mind it was good vs. evil - and good was always destined to prevail, as long as it worked itself to the bone. He felt he was doing good enough. He felt as though it made no sense for evil to win like this.Days passed. The twins’ superiors asked them to finish the deed, to track down the villains that slaughtered their friends in ambush. Alus, for the first time, did not care. He avoided work. It was like he was in an entranced, passive sadness and rage. Arc finally pulled him to do one more mission. There, they found something unusual. That was when Hydaelyn spoke in a vision. Clear as day, even Arc had seen it; “Go, my Warriors of Light -”and to Alus’ heart, it was a confirmation of a positive truth. Though the deaths of his friends he still found unjust to the morality of the world, he trusted the Goddess’ words - there was an evil to still be vanquished, as there must be a villain for every hero. The unfairness would not stop until he continued to become better and better. Even Arc began to fully believe despite his previous words. Alus trained hard every day. He would never let anything stop him again.More moons passed.The thoughts of their deaths plagued his mind, still - he began the forbidden wonderment if he was the villain at all, himself, for he would too sometimes lose; for he too continued to see the bodies of his combative brethren fall around him; for he too saw the tears in the eyes of the men he befelled with his so-called righteous blade.Adventure after adventure passed. Upon unusual circumstance, they found themselves at the Church of Adama Landama, a place they were once told to have been found as babes. There they worked for a time. Alus spoke with the priests of Thal. He found comfort in their passions as priests and mages to help others.Once they resumed work again as soldiers, Alus’ grip loosened on his blade.In a sunset-dyed sky in Thanalan, wind low and graceful - the heat died down in cold. “Arc…?” he beckoned in a soft, shaking voice.Turning, his blade dropped lazily from his hand, his arms heavy on his sides. His face streamed tear after tear, yet his face remained stoic.“I do not want to hurt anyone anymore.” he whispered.This conflict was frightening. They had a duty to do, and Arc could do nothing but place a reassuring hand on his brother’s shoulder. They both understood it was not an option. And yet, they both seemed to understand that it was an ultimate wish. They knew that Hydaelyn made them her heroes.Alus procrastinated. Arc procrastinated. They’d avoid work someone else could do despite how irresponsible it was. They just did not care to think about it at times at all.In such a time - Alus made the promise to himself to never pick the blade up again. But he could pick up a wand and do the opposite of the sins he committed - he could heal, and that is all he could do. That was all he could do at this point to make himself feel at all better for being a symbolic slave to his country’s war, to a fucked up morality of black-and-white he could no longer knowingly agree with even if it was ultimately aligned to the “greater good”, of which he had to constantly therefore question.Whilst alone in conflict, he began to heal his enemies from the brink of death. He’d bribe them with coin or food, or anything else he could spare they might like. He aligned himself with beastmen, he spoke to pirates and bandits and thieves, he allowed himself at the mercy of the most hated beings of eorzean society’s standards - And you can bet your ass he was constantly on the verge of being branded a heretic and beaten and left in the snow at any time spent in Ishgard.(HW timeline)He did continue to fight and occasionally kill in the line of duty, of which he constantly regretted. It was like he was fighting himself, or that he had two sides of his personality - One that would bully and fight an enemy, and the other that would visit the enemy shortly after the battle to do anything he could to make up for it. He is not very well liked in any form of politics, and he is completely fine with that - Most politics to him are bullshit anyway, as most modern ideas of morality seemed skewed to be.He isn’t the hero he wanted to be at the beginning of his journey, far from it. He’s slowly come to accept that the world is unfair and horrible, and that there is no such thing as a happy ending - The world will continue until something bad inevitably happens, even if you want to close your eyes the second something good happens and let the credits roll. He knows that he will most likely die someday tired, possibly killed by someone he even tried to awkwardly help, if not the government of a friendly yet corrupt country - that or eventually become sort of priest at best.Alus does not believe in happy endings anymore. He doesn’t believe such a romantic thing can exist, or is reasonable to expect to exist. In that he finds some sort of peace in not having such a high standard. He can then find happiness in every little good thing that happens - a life being saved, someone falling in love, the flowers blooming on what was once a battlefield trampled by soldiers, or a kid hearing a tale of hope from their parent.His standard for a happy ending is extremely high. If any, it’s that all war on the planet finally ceases and equality for every race, beastman or human, is achieved. He hopes that the world will one day become a place where no biased hatred exists, where everyone can understand and love eachother regardless of their differences - as long as they aren’t hurting anybody, of course. He wishes for a world where nothing - no religion, no politic, no “side” can part people. And he sure as hell knows that it is most likely none of those things will happen any time soon, lest soon enough for him to live to see it.

[whatisonthemoonarchive]

An open letter to In Jin Moon and the Unification Church (2012) by Thomas Cromwell

September 13, 2012

Dear In Jin Moon,

On September 11 this year, as Americans paused to remember the shock and horror of the terror attacks 11 years ago, my son, Tossa, was fired by HSA-UWC. Until a few days ago, you led HSA, and the staff members there are still your loyal followers. Tossa’s firing was accompanied by threats of legal action should he disclose any information about you, your family or your staff. He has also been subjected to blackmail. HSA staffers have threated to reveal ‘personal issues’ that he had shared confidentially and which would be embarrassing if made public unless he leave HSA without saying what he knows about the wrongdoing of your administration.

Tossa has been through many months of internal struggle and anguish over your situation. He has been trained to put his faith in central figures and to look for God’s Will behind Unification Church situations that have all the hallmarks of corruption and abuse. I have heard tapes of you praising him for his devotion and commitment as a staff member. But that was before your behavior became so outrageous that Tossa could no longer stand it and told you directly that he could not agree with your immoral course of action. He was sent home for a month before being fired because your staff closed ranks around you and pilloried him for speaking the truth, instead of joining him in confronting you.

I would imagine quite a few people know that Tossa was fired because he spoke up about his concerns for you and what you were doing. Confronting you was very difficult to do, and brave of him. For someone like Tossa with deep faith in God, TP and the Divine Principle, to confront you as a child of TP over your behavior required enormous courage. His firing was payback, and it speaks volumes about you and the organization you have created to protect yourself rather than to carry out its providential purpose.

Many members know Tossa as a translator for Father. He has often spent whole days doing simultaneous translation from Father’s difficult Korean into English. He has also worked in your office to translate speeches and other UC documents, to help with the education of blessed children, and other tasks.

But that is not the Tossa that I know. To me, he is a beautiful son. His suffering now is hard for me to bear. I find myself weeping for him and for God. I am enraged. I feel like Jacob when Joseph was abused by his brothers. What can a father do? It is not that Tossa has lost a job. (I have often warned him that his devotion to the UC would never be reciprocated, and his pay kept him in virtual poverty anyway.) My sadness and anger are because evil and abusive leadership have once more risen to dominate an organization I served most of my adult life, and people that I care about and love have been deeply hurt.

Let me tell you a few things about the Tossa that I know. His birth in Amman, Jordan seemed something of a miracle to me, at that time a missionary and regional director for the Middle East struggling endlessly to build a foundation for TP in the land of the Patriarchs, of Moses and Jesus. No father could want a better son. Of course he is not perfect, but he was obedient and good. As my missions evolved, he moved with us from Jordan to Cyprus and then Greece. He learned Greek during our first summer in Athens, at age 7. At 10, he came with me to a regional Principle workshop on a mountain in Turkey, where he presented the parallels of history.

At home he always cared for his younger siblings, first Anmar, born in Cyprus, then Alexander and Harmony, born in Athens. He cared for others too, especially children less fortunate than he in being able to learn at school. At 12 I took him to Korea to join the GOP program, designed to help Western BCs learn Korean. I remember sitting on the stairs of the GOP dorm before having to leave him there. I told him if he stayed in the top three of his GOP class that I thought it would be worth my effort to continue supporting him there. He never forgot, and never gave me a reason to bring him home. He finished High School in Korea and went to Sun Moon University.

But he has always been sensitive: caring for others has been an expression of his sensitive heart. (Anyone who has witnessed his infinite patience with his children, including a son with serious disabilities, will know what I mean.) Korean school kids can be mean and bullying, and Tossa always hated that. His treatment by Korean students at SM University became too much for him, so he came to live with me in the US. Later, work with the UC took him back to Korea where he tried to fit in with the Korean UC HQ staff. Eventually, he could not continue there either due to a culture obsessed with position rather than caring and love. He returned to the US, greatly discouraged. Then he went to work for you, In Jin, hopeful at the time that this would finally prove an environment in which TP and the Principle were actually the model and guiding light for work and relationships.

Tossa would never write a public letter like this to you. He is too humble and self-deprecating. He has also been your employee and a faithful UC member. I have no such constraints. You don’t know me, but I can tell you I don’t spend my time in basements writing anonymous blogs critical of the Unification Church. I was born into a strict Bruderhof Community, in England. I had my first encounter with God at age 13, and from that time committed myself to seeking His will for my life. I joined the UC in Washington, DC, in 1969, at age 21. After just a couple of months I moved to New Haven to pioneer the first center in New England. After the first speaking tour by TF, I was sent as a state pioneer to Oklahoma. In 1975 I was one of the 120 US missionaries sent out to the world. I went to Egypt, my first choice when asked. I studied Arabic and Islam, and started a language institute. I was deported twice and imprisoned once. In December 1979 I was appointed the first regional director of the Middle East, and soon after made Cyprus my base. In 1992, I was appointed first continental director for the Middle East and North Africa. In addition to leading the church in that difficult region (some 21 countries), I was founding publisher and editor of the Middle East Times (owned by News World Communications), I organized regional academic conferences for PWPA in the Middle East and for East-West European dialogue in the last years of the Cold War, organized inter-faith conferences with IRF-offshoot organizations, and carried out countless other missions in the region.

In 1999 I resigned my Unification Church responsibilities. I could not go on. What I was preaching and telling others about the Unification path had become too far removed from the reality of an organization riddled with corruption and dishonesty. I also could no longer present myself and my family as a model of what we believed. I came to believe that by staying active in the UC I would actually be contributing to the damage being done to TP’s rightful legacy.

In 2000 Mr. Joo fired me as publisher and editor of the Middle East Times, after 18 years of service. I had opposed the purchase of UPI (after conducting due diligence on its London operation for Mr. Joo) on the basis that I thought it was unjustified to ask members to contribute more money to a venture with such uncertain objectives and of such uncertain value to the providence. Mr. Joo offered to put me in charge of the UPI operation in London, and to combine that with the Middle East Times. It was tempting, but how could I accept a post to run an operation that I had advised against purchasing? Mr. Joo tried blackmail. He told me if I did not accept the UPI job, he would fire me from the Middle East Times. I refused to take the job, and he did fire me, ending all my formal ties with the UC and its projects.

I write all of this because I want you to know that I did not give the best 30 years of my life to an organization that would be run by a leadership as corrupt as yours. And I did not raise my children to live for God and TP so that they could be abused by self-centered and carnal UC leaders, as you and your staff have proved to be.

UC foreign missionaries typically had the benefit of living far from the center of action with its inevitable politics. Occasionally we would come to conferences and training seminars, and we would see changes taking place in the UC, good and bad. For me, my personal relationship with Father was deepened by living and working in very challenging circumstances, and often alone. I had had some difficulty connecting to him when I worked in the US, but I came to understand him better as my own mission overseas unfolded. My personal relationship with him was cemented in a jail cell in Cairo.

But I never understood you children of TP. You were so distant; elevated on pedestals. Sometimes I would hear how difficult your lives had been. That was hard to believe, but I tried. (After all, the lives of Moses and the people of God in the wilderness, of the tribes in Babylon, of Jesus and the early Christians in the Roman Empire, of the Jews in Nazi Germany, of the Cambodians under Pol Pot, of the Russians under Stalin, of Arabs under dictators… those were difficult lives.)

The truth as I see it today is that some of you children of TP, who have received blessings above all others in history, are in fact the most trenchant problem facing the future of the Unification Church. You should be the central people cementing the legacy of TP, but all I see from you is the selfishness and bickering of spoiled brats. You fight over UC assets as if you created them or as if they belonged to you or your family. You spend millions of precious dollars donated by members to fight your legal battles against one another. I had a front row seat as Hyun Jin systematically dismantled The Washington Times simply to spite his siblings and gain leverage for his own ambitions, and despite his knowing the great love and personal investment TP had made to build up that newspaper over decades. I see derisive, often petty, letters go back and forth from one sibling camp to another. It’s truly nauseating.

We are told of the evil Kwak group, as if Hyun Jin was a victim of the diabolical machinations of that once central disciple. But, no, Kwak is not the central problem. Hyun Jin is. Kwak was my central figure for some 20 years. It is clear to me that in the end he was seduced by the lure of wealth and financial security to go against TP. He had bet on Hyun Jin when that son was anointed the fourth Adam. He could not accept the change of providence. He is like your staff members, who now depend on salaries from HSA-UWC. Because of their lack of character and understanding, they go along with your perversion of the Principle and TP’s traditions. They are your enablers, as Kwak is the chief enabler of Hyun Jin.

The arrogance you display is sickening. Do you really think members are so dumb and ignorant of the truth to accept your weird polygamy as a new standard for Unificationism? Do you really think you can continue indefinitely to preach a life of living the Principle while hiding your life of adultery and deception?

The first priesthood God created was that of the Levite Aaron and his four sons. God instructed Moses in how to guide Aaron’s family in these serious responsibilities. Mistakes were to be punished by death, and were. When two of Aaron’s four sons lit incense without permission they were immediately killed by God. Through Moses, God pounded the law into the “stiff-necked” Israelites. Its main tenets are repeated in Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy, and were repeated again and again by other prophets and patriarchs in the centuries that followed. It is a blunt law. Sins of murder, adultery and homosexual relations are punishable by death. So too are violations of the Sabbath, and a host of other specific infractions of the law. God provided for the Levites through tithes made by members of the other tribes, and when the Israelites entered Canaan the Levites were given 48 cities to reside in but were not given a portion of the land to occupy. (Ephraim and Manassah, the sons of Joseph, were treated as separate tribes and each got land to occupy, bringing the total number of tribal territories to 12.) Meanwhile, the lineage of the messiah ran through the generations of Judah.

Jesus was of Judah, but as Hebrews explains, he was also of the order of Melchizedek. That is, although he was not a Levite, he was chosen by God to teach and save the people. His moral teaching went far beyond the Mosaic Law. He of course condemned sexual immorality, but he went further, warning that adultery of the heart was a sin. He stressed circumcision of the heart, even as Moses had taught the Israelites. TheLevitical class at the time of Jesus did not grasp, or want to obey, this law, as evidenced by their rejection of Jesus.

Paul also stressed the importance of purity to the early Christians. In fact he contradicted the Levites when he preached fervently that anyone who was circumcised in heart could be saved by Christ, whether Jew or Gentile. And he warned the new churches which he founded and nurtured that they should put out of their midst those with uncircumcised hearts who practiced idolatry, sexual immorality and other perversions of the Gospel.

The Unification standard is higher yet. It demands that we not only create within ourselves an uncircumcised heart, but that we cultivate a heart in the image of God’s own infinite heart of love. We are not complete simply by avoiding sin, but only through fulfilling our potential as children of God.

I don’t see this message in your behavior. You are blessed to be in the lineage of TP, but you have not qualified as a priest of the order of Melchizedek. This is because you have not treated your position of leadership as a sacred trust and responsibility, but rather as a birthright. It seems most of your siblings are in the same situation. We all sin, although we were taught that the true children would be sinless. To keep our hearts pure, we have to repent and change. It seems to me that you are unaware of your sin, and your enablers are complicit in maintaining that status quo by failing to challenge you. Instead they join you in the pretense that what you are doing is fine in the sight of God and TP. I don’t think I have ever heard one of you children repenting and asking for forgiveness from God and a membership that you have so often misused and abused. This is why God cannot use you for ultimate good, and for the growth of his church. It is why, too, you are ruining the Unification Church and the legacy of your parents.

It is not for me to judge your personal life, except as it intrudes on your mission as a UC leader, a role model for members, and someone with the power to hurt others, including my son. You should never have accepted the position you hold now, given the confusion in your personal life. And you certainly should have resigned as soon as you realized that your extra-marital affair would produce a child. You may believe that you have a perfectly valid basis for what you have done, but I can’t imagine any reasonable and moral person, let alone any true follower of TP and the Principle, accepting your behavior as consistent with the responsibilities of a UC leader.

I believe it is not entirely coincidental that this situation has blown up just as Father has ended his course on earth. I believe he will be able to do more in the spirit world. Clearly the state of his family was not improving despite all his prayers and efforts. If the central family is divided and corrupt, how will the providence ever advance? Yes, it is that serious.

This crisis has demonstrated that there is no robust, clear, circumcised and unified UC leadership. While an official memo went out announcing your resignation, ‘for health reasons’, unofficial communications explained the truth. What are members in Africa, Asia and Latin America, let alone in the US and America, to believe? Where is the guidance that all members deserve at a time like this?

Again, In Jin, the problem is you. Because you have not repented or apologized, because you have directed your staff to punish those who exposed your sin instead of telling the truth about it, because you and they have spun a webs of lies designed to confuse members about your sin in the name of some Oprahesque theory of love, you will now be responsible for the loss of faith by many good and faithful people, and especially young members trying to find their way in a confusing world of false idols and sin, members who looked up to you as their role model.

I don’t know the members who work with you. But they too have failed the rest of the membership and the institution of the UC itself. How can they stand before a congregation when they have been complicit in your unprincipled duplicity? How can they provide credible advice and guidance to members? How can they claim authority to represent God, TP and the Principle?

I don’t think I am alone among members and others who have dedicated long years to the UC cause who are now shocked and disgusted by what they witness. They too are concerned with the future for the children they raised in the faith and whose spiritual lives are at risk. Many have turned their backs on the UC because of the mismanagement, corruption and outright evil committed by its leaders.

Enough is enough. It is time for you and your errant siblings, along with your enablers and other unclean UC leaders, to step back and listen to the real word of God that can only come through the mouths of those circumcised in heart whom He chooses to be his messengers and representatives. Perhaps the most recently anointed son can save your family and the church. I don’t know. Judah was chosen by God, but when it failed to listen to His commandments, when it persisted in idolatry and corruption despite the warnings of the prophets, it was completely destroyed, as was the temple in Jerusalem. Times have changed but I believe if you do not step aside and allow the UC to be renewed and rebuilt as the real embodiment of God, TP and the Principle, it too will be destroyed and God will find other means, other institutions and other people to represent Him on earth.

May God’s Will be done.

Thomas Cromwell

[braverydefined-blog]

where do you see john's life going if he had not died when he did? or do you think it was an "act of fate"/inevitable?

RANDOM CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT QUESTIONS  /  ALWAYS ACCEPTING !!

this is honestly one of my favorite things to talk about !!!   it’s 1am so sorry if this gets a bit rambly but here it goes !!   (  trigger warnings for suicide ,   depression ,   and alcoholism.  )

the thing to remember is that john never PLANNED to survive the war ,   so he doesn’t have a backup plan for survival.   so in verses where john survives ,   he’s basically entirely aimless.   he doesn’t see any kind of future for himself     –––––     the only things he really could do are law   (  since his father forced him to go to law school ,   instead of studying medicine as john wished to do     –––––     if he had been allowed to study medicine ,   i can see john using those skills and being less purposeless after the war ,   but alas  )   or politics   (  which is ,   honestly ,   something he’d 100% rather die than do     –––––     he didn’t have the stomach for law ,   he certainly couldn’t stand being a politician  ).   he hates both of those options so much.

the good news is that he’s rich ,   still ,   so he wouldn’t necessarily HAVE to work.   the bad news is that he gets RESTLESS real fast.   this purposelessness isn’t good for him     –––––     it quickly makes his depression a thousand times worse ,   combined with the fact that he wishes he had died during the war   &   the fact that the one reason he would stay alive is alexander and alexander is now occupied between law  /  politics  /  eliza  /  his children.   john would hate to feel like he’s intruding on what alexander   &   eliza have or somehow fucking up their relationship ,   so he’d distance himself from alexander ,   which only serves to make everything worse   (  note how during the war ,   the two main times he was separated from alexander at length     –––––     when he was a prisoner of war in pennsylvania   &   the months leading to his death at combahee     –––––     were the times when his mental health was at its lowest.   letters exist from alexander to john while john was a prisoner of war basically begging john not to commit suicide.   it isn’t pretty.  ) 

so we have john ,   restless and depressed and probably suicidal ,   who has no idea what he’s doing with his life.   i doubt he would stay in south carolina   (  returning there was a suicidal action in itself   ;   his home state doesn’t have very many good memories in it ,   but it was a last resort at dying.   once the possibility of death is over ,   he’d leave.  )   the ONE THING that gives him direction in life at this point is working towards his abolitionist efforts ,   so he’d move to wherever the government is based at the time ,   be it nyc or philadelphia or dc bc i genuinely can’t remember the timeline of when it was where.   so he moves to the government ,   keeps petitioning congress about freeing slaves     –––––     but if he thought it was hard during the war ,   it seems downright impossible now ,   and he finds that no one is willing to listen to his ideas.   he’s branded an idealist and ignored.   this just makes him spiral deeper into depression   &   seclude himself further.   in addition ,   he struggles with ptsd from the war   (  he’d already had it from his brother’s death ,   but the war only makes it worse  ).   he has frequent nightmares ,   occasional flashbacks ,   and is emotionally numb most of the time.   he tends to rely more heavily on alcohol to help him ,   and becomes borderline an alcoholic   (  i hesitate to label him as that simply because i don’t know enough about it ,   and i don’t think he entirely depends on alcohol enough to truly call him an alcoholic ,   but he’s very close  )   and hardly sleeps ,   which certainly creates a vicious cycle and doesn’t help his mental health at all.

to go on a bit of a tangent ,   let’s talk about him and ALEXANDER post  -  war.   like i said earlier ,   john would distance himself a lot from alex ,   believing it’s for alex’s own good.   there’s a certain leniency for soldiers taking solace in each other   ;   during the war ,   if they were seen being more affectionate than the standard ,   it would be mostly ignored ,   and john was comforted by that fact in the midst of his fear about someone finding out.   (  this is the one thing he refuses to be reckless about     –––––     his legacy ,   his chance at glory after death.  )   but once the war has ENDED ,   there’s no longer that tendency to look away from those behaviors ,   and with alex’s blossoming political career and alex’s wife ,   john can’t risk that.   he stays away as much as he can   (  and what happens then is sorta dependent on what alex i’m writing with   ;   i have a verse with @bankhoe where they continue to be together in secret and make this little hidden life with each other ,   but the rest of what’s been stated remains   &   john is never quite satisfied with having to keep their love hidden like that and still dies in the way that’ll be discussed below.  )  

there’s also the matter of john’s DAUGHTER to consider.   frances - eleanor was six years old at the time of the war’s end ,   and living with john’s sister after john’s wife ,    martha ,   passed away a few months before john would have died in an ordinary verse.   if john doesn’t die ,   he’ll be expected to bring frances over from england to live with him.   john never met frances ,   had already left for america by the time she was born ,   and despite being slightly older than he was then ,   he’s still TERRIFIED at the thought of being a father.   he considers taking care of frances his duty now that martha’s gone ,   but he carries tremendous guilt for frances’ existence and for wronging martha like that ,   and it shows in his interactions with her     –––––     he becomes like his own father   (  the thing he feared the most  ) ,   emotionally distant from her throughout their time together.   it certainly doesn’t help that the entire time he’ll know frances is also his low point re : depression   ;   he can’t seem to form any attachment ,   despite the logical knowledge that this is his child.   he gives her the best life he can ,   gets her the best education possible ,   but in terms of emotions he ends up being a pretty shitty father in this verse.   (  in addition to being essentially a stay at home dad ,   john would likely be pressured ,   especially by his father ,   to remarry eventually ,   and he doesn’t want to put someone else through what he put martha through.  )

now for the topic we’ve all been waiting for :   DEATH.   john picks up some pretty bad habits in a post  -  war au.   he already has a tendency to get into fights   ;   in this verse ,   those tendencies reach suicidal heights ,   going out at least several times a week to bars or taverns just to pick fights with drunks in the hopes that one of them will go too far and kill him.   it’s an unspoken wish ,   but it’s there nonetheless ,   and not entirely subconscious.   he also gets into the habit of duels ,   will do stupid things just to get challenged or to have the chance to challenge someone.   normally i figure about three years pass after the war until he dies     –––––     he’s challenged to a duel by someone ,   and who it is doesn’t matter so much as the fact that john thinks the guy may actually shoot him   &   john wants that ,   so john goes and aims his pistol at the sky ,   hamilton - style ,   and is shot and killed pretty quickly.   

during the war ,   half of his suicidalness was in a desperate bid for GLORY ,   always obsessed with concepts of honor   &   legacy.   after the war ,   a duel is the closest he can get to that ,   and it still isn’t a satisfying end     –––––     he regrets pretty much daily that he didn’t manage to die during the war ,   but without another war to join a duel is the closest he’s going to get.   he leaves two letters behind before leaving for the duel ,   one for frances   (  a fairly typical one ,   apologizing for his actions ,   bidding her goodbye ,   saying he’ll see her on the other side when it’s her time ,   but carrying a too  -  formal and detached tone throughout it.  )   and one for alexander.   the letter for alexander is much more emotional     –––––     it’s an apology both for the duel itself and for pushing him away ,   and a declaration of how much john has continued to love alexander ,   and a plea for alexander to not be too upset at john’s death.   he begs alexander not to be angry with him for his choice.

OPTION B :   so now that john’s dead ,   let’s talk about the one option for post  -  war au to NOT be a total depressing mess !!   and that option ,   dear friends ,   is polyamory.   hear me out.   there’s a lot of reasons john’s depression is so bad post  -  war ,   but a good deal of it is him distancing himself from everyone.   particularly alexander ,   but the fact is that without alex ,   john’s friend base is considerably lessened ,   given that he was never quite as close to mulligan   &   lafayette has returned to france.   john is ridiculously dependent on alexander in terms of his mental health ,   to a frankly unhealthy degree   ;   john buys into ideas that he could be fixed or saved by love.   

here’s where poly comes in  :   if john doesn’t have to lose alexander and doesn’t have to keep their love a complete secret or feel like he’s harming alexander by loving him ,   he’s significantly less unsatisfied.   he’s still restless ,   still not quite content ,   still feels like he should have died during the war ,   but he’s not actively trying to get himself killed.   this could happen as john ,   eliza ,   and alex having a full poly triad or just v - shaped poly with both dating alex.   john is a jealous person ,   and it would take him a bit to warm up to the idea ,   but i do see the possibility for it to happen     –––––     and this also opens the possibility for his relationship with his daughter to be healthier ,   as he wouldn’t be entirely on his own raising her ,   and with slightly less depression weighing him down could actually form a healthy relationship and raise her correctly.   having some help to raise her instead of being alone would make him a bit less afraid of being a father ,   too ,   which is important     –––––     he’s constantly worried he’ll mess something up ,   and having alex and eliza around to help would be a huge assistance.   

of course ,   i’m not saying love makes his depression go away   ;   he still struggles with it frequently ,   even more than he did during the war ,   but he doesn’t have to resort to such unhealthy coping mechanisms ,   and has people to remind him that he matters.   in this version of the au ,   i can picture him living an almost content   &   fairly domestic life with alexander and eliza ,   helping raise their kids and frances ,   and dying later in life.   there’s a chance he still goes out in the way mentioned above ,   but i see it as more likely that he’d die of illness or some kind of accidental death ,   since with so many more people depending on him he would at least make an effort not to be actively suicidal.   

all in all ,   i see it as way more likely that the first option would happen.   i’d like to think that john would continue fighting for his beliefs with the same passion he carried during the war   &   possibly get some things changed on the front of civil rights earlier than what happened historically ,   but realistically ,   between the political climate of the time and john’s own depression and suicidal tendencies ,   he probably ends up just as overlooked as he ended up in a verse where he died at combahee.   what you said about his death being an act of fate is sort of correct     –––––     no matter what ,   he’s destined to die ,   and fated to become just a footnote in a history book ,   unfortunately. 

[somethingsimilartosnow]

back on my bullshit

hello tumblr

wow my online diary coming to a full circle here! Haven’t posted on this page since maybe I was ... 20? Well, hello, here I am, now 24, and life has HAPPENED. I just am so in need of a place to write down my thoughts, my feelings, my life happenings, so it’s not just all scrambled up in my head to spew at my therapist every other Tuesday. So therefore, we turn to the beautiful world of tumblr and my ~secret blog~. I once thought this was so edgy and risky and what if anyone found this (even though I wanted everyone to find it at one point technically) and now I just need a table to vomit my emotions all over!

Anywho - today I’m here to talk about, not Tyler, not Rob (DEFINITELY not Rob, but maybe I will write all about him when I’m ready to, just for my record keeping), but a man named Dillon. Now I met Dillon about 2/2.5 weeks ago on a dating app (gotta love hinge lol - yes past self, you did have to resort to online dating for a time at least!!! will keep ya updated as to how THAT goes) and we met up at Crooked Can on a beautiful, sweaty summer evening. 

Now I should preface - the harmonious timing of everything falling into place whence meeting Dillon is just uncanny. We had exchanged some quick back and forth messages via this ‘app’ and he said he’d be back from Boston in about a week, and he’d text me when he returned to set up a time to meet. Pretty forward considering we had pretty much only talked about pineapple definitely belonging on pizza how he didn’t understand what I do for work. So I thought ‘uh ok!’ and didn’t stress. At this time, I was still so hung up on ROB (stupid! rob!) that I didn’t really think about Dillon much. Then occured That Fateful Night(TM) with Rob, at the Guest House, with a Hummingbird (this is my play on the game Clue! It’s funny - future me will think I’m a smug comedic genius). INSERT STORY ABOUT THAT FATEFUL NIGHT HERE - coming in a post soon maybe idk lol. OKAY ANYWAYS. Saturday morning, I woke up, went to Star Wars land - I have a cool job - and messaged Rob, being mature and wanting to talk things through. Several housed passed, no response, several more hours, no response, and next thing I knew it was Sunday morning and I had never heard from him. My heart clenched into a writhing ball of stress anxiety over the unknown - what did this man now think of me? What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with me? No, no, no - WHAT’S WRONG WITH HIM? But you know who I did receive a message from that same Saturday? You guessed it - Dillon. 

Yes, this is still a story about Dillon and not about Rob, that’s where we pick up at the Crooked Can the following Thursday evening.

Having pretty much laid my anxieties about Rob aside, I was preparing to unfriend, unfollow, and detach myself from him that coming weekend. In the mean time, I primped and puffed myself to go meet this man, who I knew virtually nothing about except that he worked in marketing. I made myself a drink, drove to the bar, and 4 hours later, was fairly surprised. ‘Not usually the type of guy I go for, but very nice and obviously a good person,’ I thought to myself. In reality, I couldn’t believe I had gone on a second successful first date in a matter of months! Me! A dating girl! What is going on! So we exchanged some pleasantries as we walked to our cars, he hugged me and we parted ways. 

Cut to about a week later, we both are looking forward to seeing eachother again and decide to grab some food, head to a rooftop bar, and just hang out. It’s easy with Dillon. I don’t stand waiting for him and wonder if he’ll like me that time or if he will freakout and want to leave. I don’t have heart-writhing-and-wrenching anxiety leading up to seeing him. It’s simply fun and exciting. (OMG HES SO CUTE TOO AND LIKE STRONG??? HE HAS MUSCLES??? I am HARDLY ATHLETIC so idk what is happening!!!!!!) So here we are back in downtown Winter Garden, munching away chatting eachother’s ears off, and just having a good ol’ time. He was suggesting I come running with him and his close friend/almost roommate that weekend (lol um no? no, running with a cute athletic boy is a recipe for embarrassment - and I already just naturally embarrass myself anyways so lets not put myself in a situation to force even more of that um thanks byeyeyye). I was busy that day luckily, but I invited him to come and see a 90′s cover band with my work friends and I at the House of Blues - next day. A little bold to suggest he’d want to see me two nights in a row, and I suppose even more bold just throwing it out there that I’d want to see him two nights in a row. I mean, we’ve only known eachother for a week, let’s not be crazy! He says ‘you know, I’m watching the UFC fight with my friend,’ and my heart softens a little and I understand he’s busy, has his own life, etc. etc. Then he says, ‘But let me see if he’d want to do that instead.’

CUT TO - INT. HOUSE OF BLUES BALCONY.

We’re dancing! We’re vibing! And we’re having such a great time! He is kind and sweet, he’s holding my hand and has his hand on my back and everything is beautiful. I have my left hand on his right shoulder, and my chin is resting on top of my hand. He says something snappy looking right at my eyes, and I’m looking at his and he quickly glances at my lips.

God, I love kissing. I love it almost more than any other physical thing. I love learning how other people kiss, I love that scratchy feeling of a man’s face at the end of the day all prickly against my skin. I love feeling their jaw and their tongue and their body against mine. I love the tension of it - what happens next? How far do we go tonight? How much can I make you want me? All of this relates to later so please consider this a footnote (1).

House of Blues is great - and I can tell I’m going to see him again. As we’re walking to get our uber, I say to him something silly about the stars and the universe and everything in life coming together and “intersecting” I say.

“Intersecting?” He repeats.

“Intersecting.”

“Intersexing? Rachael!” 

I curl my lower lip over my teeth and say, “That...is NOT what I said.” Boldly, I decide to say to him, “You have something on the mind, Dillon?”

He giggles and takes a pause, “Oh I’ve got a lot on my mind. Most of them are about you, some of them aren’t.” The tension hangs in the air like a bioluminescent force stringing us together as we’re walking in front of the group. “Mainly how you didn’t take me to Star Wars!” He exclaims, cutting the tension with a knife, and we’re back where we started.

So that’s Saturday, we kiss goodnight and he drives him and his friend home. And here’s the good news, I do hear from him again.

Not being able to drink beer, as I inevitably get sick every single time I consume it for some godforsaken reason!, I tell him he must come to my house, retrieve the drink, and help me clear out my fridge. (holy crap this post is long, sorry future self, especially if it all goes south after i post this lol yikes crispies) So here we are again, on a Thursday evening, almost exactly two weeks from the day we first met (actually, exactly two weeks) and I am yet again primping and puffing myself to see him. This is yesterday btw!!!

I couldn’t believe how far I had moved from Rob - completely cutting him out and him doing the same to me caused incredible healing for my heart. I have to tread lightly though, because I now know how I react to things in relationships and how strongly they can affect me. That’s why I have my intuition, though. She guides me through all of the struggles in my life. Maybe it’s the holy spirit. Can’t confirm - will do more research and get back to you.

He arrives, and we eat dinner. Well, I really hardly eat anything because I’m talking so much or so intently listening to him talk that I essentially forgot the plate of food was right in front of me. He offers to do the dishes - which is very kind. I refuse, though, and vow to myself that I must do them tomorrow. I should probably also note that I had two drinks prior to him coming because I wanted to be loose and relaxed and have fun! In my own home. We’re hoping this doesn’t tumble out of control. Hahaha! Anyways!!!

First and foremost following dinner, he teaches me how to bat, weird. But funny, I hit out of the park and we high five and settle on the couch. We ramble and go on and on about the cars we drive, or the work we do, or the music we listen to. He loves Mumford and Sons, and he puts on the Lumineers as the score to our conversation. We watch some silly comedy shows that we tell eachother about, and I am giggle central (three drinks in at this point I guess?). I goto the restroom, and decide there while staring into my bathroom mirror, I have to ask him about the dating world and what he does and why he does it.

 Dating is tricky - people are under no obligation to be with you and you alone. And with someone like Dillon, he is so outgoing and extroverted that I could only assume he’s fairly um, unmonogamous? Spelling? He spent 4 years in a bad relationship where the girl ended up as a lesbian at the end of it, so I can only imagine he just wants everything to lay low for a few years in terms of commitment and really tying yourself to someone. 

So I flounce out of the bathroom and plop myself on the couch, my legs twisted up and I’m curled into a ball - which I still am surprised I can do with the size of my legs, but I suppose it makes me feel small in a comforting way. “So, I’m going to ask you a more serious question, and it’s kind of weird and I don’t want you to freak out,” I say.

“Ask away.” (Um this is all conjecture bc I’m a little tipsy at this moment so - not while typing this, I mean at the time I brought this up last night)

Essentially, I asked him (I could never be an author, my tenses are all mixed up) if he dates monogamously, what his vibe is right now with it all, if he is into me I guess?

This is going to get a little more mish mashed and less narrated because I kind of just need to write all of this part down to get it on the table and survey it all. I’ll let you know when we’re getting back to the fun narrated part. 

He said he usually dates around, he can’t really commit to anything right now. His life is very busy and hectic and whatever, but that he is really enjoying hanging out with me. He said “You know, it’s not for like the sex or the attention, it’s to know people and meet people and make connections.” He kept saying, “I just don’t want you to get hurt, I don’t want you to get hurt,” and I kept saying “Okay, listen, I know myself, I know my boundaries, I know where to draw my own lines.” At one point he even said “It’s so sexy how well you know yourself.” THAT GOT MEEEEE. He said the last girl he dated, their 5 year plans really didn’t line up - she wanted to be married expecting children in two years (she was older - 28), and Dillon, being a 24 year old, young, attractive man was obviously not about that! He knew he has to end it because it wasn’t lining up. I said to him that I think it’s perfectly fair for him to date around, it’s perfectly fine for him to say all of this, and I didn’t say this, but I really was not at all surprised that he said any of this. Like I said, it’s fitting with who he is and his character. I guess I get nervous that he kept saying “I don’t want to hurt you,” or “I don’t want you to get hurt.” As though he feels he will inevitably do so or? Unsure. That’s what Rob kept saying on That Fateful Night(TM), which is why I feel a little triggered by it I guess. So the next question I asked, and I prefaced with “Just because I’m curious, and I want to know where you’re at, are you currently seeing anyone else?” He took a pause. “No, I’m not right now. I don’t know, when I met you something just clicked.” My heart fluttered. “You’re very different than the type of girls I usually date, but I like that.” I reassured him - you are no arrogant artsy jerk who’s going to just up and ghost me - so I also am in the same boat. I said to him that that’s kind of the beauty of it, and meeting new people that are so different than you and connecting with them is so wonderful. He said that his friend said something like “Wow, so you’re seeing this girl two nights in a row?” and he kind of was like “Uh, oh yeah I guess so!” kind of insinuating that there’s something special and different happening here. He said, “I’m enjoying myself, you’re enjoying yourself, obviously this is going well, let’s just take it slow.” I agreed, but uhhh you know. I’m trying to make out with him a little obviously and so somehow it got brought up, and I said, “I mean, we can just have fun, make out a little, right?” And he smiled, “Yeah, we can do that.”

Ok and I think this is where I’m going to try and be narrative again! Dang, am I a novelist chica?

I leaned in and kissed him, his scratchy face pressing into mine. It’s slow and intimate at first - and we fully know what we’re getting into. His mouth is minty and refreshing (almost like...he ALSO was wanting to makeout....hmmmmmmm.....) and he’s kissing me so wonderfully and I love the way his lips feel against mine. My right leg gently slides over his lap and his arms are wrapping around my waist and I go up. His hands move over my belt loops and around my hips and to my stomach, and mine are holding his jaw to mine and I don’t want him to ever let go. We look at each other and he’s smiling at me. I bite my lower lip. And then he says THE MOST DIRECT THING A MAN HAS MAYBE EVER SAID TO ME “I do want to have sex with you...” OH MY GOD?! “Ok, so what are we going to do?” I respond. He kisses me again, “We’re going to wait. I’m going to see you again.” “Okay,” I say and lean in and start kissing him again. I may at one point have said “I want to rip all of your clothes off,” but uhhhh we’ll deal with that another time hehe. I pull back and look at him, and startled he yells, “WOO okay time to go before anything else happens!” I get off of him and he puts his arm over his head, his eyes large and shocked. Quickly, he stands up, adjusts his shirt, pushes his hair back and says (again OH MY GOD) “Gonna walk downstairs with a boner!” OH MY GOD?!!! 

“Sorry...” I say, obviously not sorry, obviously very satisfied with myself. “Okay, I’ve gotta go, I will see you. I need to leave now.”

We kiss goodbye, and then I holler at him down the stairs to come grab the beer his friend left at my place. He comes up and takes it, leans in and kisses me again, and down the stairs he goes.

And that’s it. That’s where we are now. Here I am this morning, letting the Lumineers serenade my creative work flow as I try to calm myself down from the um, excitement of last night. I need to be careful, and I need to protect myself. I am saying I can protect myself and I need to make sure that’s true. I’m not going to stop living my life the way I always do. Tonight, I’m seeing Erin, tomorrow, I’m getting brunch with my girlfriends and then going to game night at Kayla’s apartment, and Sunday, I’m going to church. This is my life and he is a fun addition that I’m so excited about. Oh my god!