#bc physical and then I can line stuff and all that jazz

[jaxyscreams]

What- what stage of adulthood is it when you’re considering getting a printer, like, your own personal at home printer?

[thistle-01]

Just another CHCH idea // TW: passive death wish, aka suicidal ideation

Modern day AU where it wasn’t Harris village that was razed to the ground it was Choi Han’s entire family and because the fire was a freak accident, no one’s fault, CH falls deeper and deeper into himself, no outlet. He becomes severely depressed but can’t picture himself actively offing himself so he just trudges through each day, unable to die, unable to live.

He doesn’t care when the guy next door to his new place moves out.

Doesn't care when someone else moves in.

He does care when the muffled wails of a baby keep him from sleep for three nights in a row, and he bangs on the wall, sleep deprived and pissy.

After a moment the person on the other side of the wall bangs back, making Choi Han glare incredulously at the wall, but he decides to let it go.

New kid, new parent. He used to take care of his little cousins so he knows how difficult it can be. He remembers the colic, he remembers the spit ups and giggles and laughing as they sat around for dinne—

He realizes that the new guy moving in may affect him more than he initially realized.

Morning comes and goes and CH gets ready for work.

Before the fire he’d been planning to take up bodyguarding as an occupation, it seemed like it suited him, it felt right. Without the training which he couldn’t afford due to obvious reasons though no one would hire him, so he turned to gym training. He’s a personal trainer.

He fetches his bag and fetches his towels and he’s about to leave his apartment when there’s a ding on his intercom.

When he looks through the screen there’s a person who’s unfamiliar but he was gonna leave anyway so he just meets them at the door.

”What is it?”

The person looks surprised when he sees Choi Han standing there and CH knows it’s because he’s kind of tall and imposing.

He doesn’t do anything to make them more comfortable though, he’s on a timer, and the guy just stammers, makes him sign to receive a package which CH does bc again no time to argue that he hasn’t ordered anything.

It’s only at the gym that he finds a break to open the package, it’s addressed to him with his apartment number, no name. Inside he finds a fucking fruit basket and a note:

Should have written this earlier but I have a newborn. It may get loud. Apologies for the inconvenience.

TBC

- CH resigned to suffer through baby

- CH reliving his most painful memories again bc baby

- guy next door’s little gifts being about the only thing that keeps him from just upping and moving but some of the stuff he gets are damn nice and maybe sort of worth it? Maybe

- guy next door always attaching little notes to his gifts

- guy next door‘s notes sometimes being sarcastic and witty, and sometimes kind of rude but also funny

- CH replying to one and attaching it to guy next door’s door on a whim

- guy next door attaching a phone number to his next gift

- CH texting guy next door bc why not if he’s some kind of serial killer maybe he’ll—

- CH and guy next door exchanging texts

- texts starting off irregular, stilted, but eventually they increase without them even recognizing that they do because apparently they’re both lonely fucks who have no real friends but a lot on their chests

- guy next door still being guy next door, literally that’s the name attached to the contact in CH’s phone bc out of some silent agreement they still haven’t exchanged names

- CH telling guy next door about the fire

- guy next door telling CH about his family (they’re dead too, only his son left and even then he’s apparently adopted)

- CH having a bad day at work and seriously considering suicide. there had been multiple factors, but the worst was probably it being 5/5, children’s day and a bunch of families gathering in the park right in front of the gym. They looked happy. CH remembered being that happy.

- CH holding a knife in his hand and surrounded by alcohol but on a whim - he seems to have a lot of those - texting guy next door

- CH telling himself if guy next door doesn’t reply within the next twenty minutes it will be a sign but guy next door replying instantly

- CH calling guy

- “How’s your son?” “He’s fine?” “…remember to love him as much as possible.” “Is something wrong? You sound off,”

- CH gripping the knife in his hand

- CH letting go

- CH sobbing wetly into the phone with a call to the guy whose name he doesn’t even fucking know but somehow relying on him anyway. He doesn’t know how this happened. How did this happen?

- CH telling guy everything and after a loaded silence guy asking CH like he’s about to break, like he’s fragile, whether he wants to come over, in fact just do it I’ll be home soon

- CH numbly collecting himself and somehow dressing himself with minimal effort and opening the door to walk over to his place

- CH finding a man standing in front of the door next to his, who’s stunning through the tears in his eyes but he doesn’t care too much about that - does he? - because he feels so shitty

- guy, who’s apparently a slightly scarred but handsome enough to be a model type of guy, and despite CH expecting the same subtle pity and concern he’d heard over the phone, greeting him blandly and ordering CH to come in like he’s discussing a fucking history book

- guy being named KRS

- CH being named, well, CH

- CH marinating in his own depression after the shock of guy - no, KRS’s physical form has worn out

- KRS looking at him with an unidentifiable expression

- KRS appearing to think for a minute and then leaving the room and CH dimly hears him opening a door but he’s too spent to hear much more than that

- KRS returning and CH meaning to look up but before he can something warm and squirming and kind of squishy is plopped into his lap

- “this is the terror I told you about. Say hello Raon.”

- Raon being the cutest fucking baby CH has ever seen aside from his cousins and baby sibling

- Raon giggling and squealing with laughter and clutching CH like there isn’t a single good reason he shouldn’t trust CH when in about a second CH can list at least five

- CH being unable to do anything but curl his hands reflexively around warm baby because of said giggling and squealing and clutching

- CH mumbling his concern that baby is too open to strangers despite knowing that at this age it’s perfectly natural

- KRS replying that Raon is a better judge of character than him and wrapping something around CH’s shoulders before turning on a giant ass TV

- KRS and CH and a drooling happy Raon watching Disney movies

- CH unintentionally spending the night bc he fell asleep to Alice in wonderland songs and woke up smelling traditional Korean food and the tunes of soft jazz on a radio

- ”are you hungry?” and CH unable to pull away bc he’s still kind of fragile and tender feeling and the baby is thankfully gone now but nope he’s sitting in his high chair and there’s good food on a table and KRS is looking blandly at him with his good looks and invisible kindness and CH is only human

- CH leaving the next morning before KRS is awake but KRS pretending to sleep so he doesn‘t pressure him

- KRS thinking he’s really dodged a bullet, humans are so much work, he just wants to slack-

- CH going home and putting the knife still on the floor back into its shelf and cleaning his place top to bottom on a sudden urge to be productive

- KRS and CH going back to texts and an occasional phone call like before

- KRS and CH’s interactions being different from before though in that when Raon cries through the wall CH plays baby shark or soft jazz and baby’s cries turns to coos and KRS sends him another basket in the morning

- KRS and CH somehow seeing each other more often

- KRS and CH greeting each other on the elevator

- CH deciding to see a psychiatrist

- KRS driving him to his first appointment

- “have fun.” “this is supposed to be fun?” “For me it is, I finally get a break from you and your drama,” and CH seeing right through KRS and taking a chance and reaching over to squeeze KRS’s hand on the gear

- “thanks,” and KRS looking bland but with a twist of a smile as CH heads in and watching him go

- CH making progress

- CH taking antidepressants and settling down after a month and he doesn’t have relapses for a year and decides to finally put an end to the fragile push and pull he and KRS have been dancing around all this time

- CH inviting him over for dinner

- CH making all the preparations, smiling to himself at providing for KRS this time, excited kind of at the thought that he’s going to put That Smile on KRS’ face and the doorbell ringing

- CH saying hi and KRS looking at him with an unreadable expression for a second before there’s a warmth at his lips and then it’s gone

- “took you long enough,” and CH knows KRS doesn’t mean it bc he’s looking at him quietly and like he’s quietly proud and there’s a soft, reserved sort of affection lining his smile and CH just wants to hold him forever, never let go

- so he does

- over the years they have their ups and downs, with KRS’s own emotional baggage, and CH‘s depression, and Raon grows up and demands more siblings and they decide, yeah look it’s time to get hitched here’s the ring

- they live happily ever after

the end

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

q3 2021 update & plot call !!

below the cut, you can find an update on ash’s current life, career (or rather absence of), and development for quarter three, as well as plot and thread ideas! if you see anything that you’d like to plot out or write with him, like this or message me, and we can get to it! i have a lot in mind about where ash is right now, so i might add more and expand later on!

mentions of ash’s continuing struggle with mental illness under the cut in case you don’t wanna read that rn

professionally

ash is on hiatus the whole quarter so... not much going on here.

uhh basically the first two days of july he was still trying to get bc to let him take a break so schedule threads could be set then if they cross paths at the bc building! he’s going to be participating in concert rehearsals for knight to a less intense extent since bc, as of the beginning of his hiatus, fully intends him to participate in the concerts. he’ll miss about the first half of the tour, but in july and august he’ll still be attending knight tour rehearsals some to keep up. schedule threads can also be done then!

(note that he’ll be missing the bc city concert as well — i don’t see him dropping by just to support either tbh, sorry bc ppl. white knight duo ver tho let’s gooooooooooo)

ash will eventually start writing music and finding his love of that again though and that’s pretty much the most work he can do during his hiatus, so it’d be cool to maybe have him write, compose, or produce for a few people that might be releasing later this year or sometime next year if anyone is interested? :) we can see if ash would work for it. there’s also opening for him to ask a few people he’s close to to sing some demos for him when he starts trying to write again!

personally + plot ideas!

explaining how he got to his hiatus would take me all day but he basically forced bc’s hand in letting him take time off (well, he wanted to leave knight and retire ngl but his manager was like... you know that’s not going to happen let’s try a hiatus <3). you can read my badly-written solos for part of it (i still need to write more) but generally, the most other muses might know is that they might have run into him acting kinda moody/down or impulsive/irresponsible lately, he made a very uncharacteristic post on social media that hinted at being unhappy with his life currently and losing passion/excitement for even the things he used to value most highly before his social media was deactivated by bc lmaaooo. the post would have probably conveyed Something was up it it wasn’t like genuinely super triggering-level content i promise !! bc released a statement shortly after stating he’d be going on hiatus without mentioning a definitive end date.

so there’s the possibility a muse might have checked up on him after that post / the hiatus news to see how he was doing?

tbh ash isn’t going to be seeking out meeting new people during his hiatus. he’s taking time to himself and is only going to make any effort to hang out with people he’s comfortable with. those he’s not close to, he’s going to have to interact with by running into unintentionally.

he’s getting a place in jeju in the early-ish part of his hiatus. he’ll be spending a lot of time there at first because he just wants to get away from seoul, so it’d be nice to set some threads there if your muse has the time to hop over to visit him if they have anything resembling a free day. (again a certain level of closeness would be necessary, but i think one good heart to heart conversation beforehand could bring someone closer to him enough for that rn! even over text tbh lmao). chuseok would be a really good time for this !! i imagine catching up over lowkey dinners or heart to hearts under the stars, that found family ash has actively fought having lol

(that place in jeju is also going to be where he starts to want to write music again too, so music based stuff there would be chill?)

heart to hearts in general anywhere would be really good for ash right now so please give me those! they can be in seoul too for sure.

he’ll be moving into a new apartment in seoul eventually, though that will probably be a little later in his hiatus? he had some bad fan/sasaeng run-ins right before his hiatus and having so much time off makes him realize he wants to move. someone can help him house hunt or if someone else is looking for a place, they can talk together about it. i want him to realize he wants to move into a smaller place that can feel more like home

once he does move, muses are free to come over and help him set up / be his one-man housewarming party. that’s a little down the line tho !! so we might not want to plot that as a thread to write right this instant

he may also be getting a pet ! muses can come look with him at a shelter or he can run into people there!

this would be a little later in his hiatus, but it’d be interesting if once he’s doing a little better, he gets the urge to dance and runs into a muse at the dance studio. idk that he’ll ever fall completely back in love with dancing, but he might rediscover some of what he did love about dancing and ash and this muse often run into each other as he visits that dance studio a little more often and they eventually bond over it / do some dancing together.

those who still really have that passion for making music ash has lost, talk to him about it <3 he misses it. he might cry but tbh he’s liable to cry in any thread

he’s cutting his hair short and dying it back to black this month, so it would be possible to run into him at the hair salon!

ash will want to be inside at home mostly at the beginning of his hiatus, but as it goes on, he’ll start to branch out and that will offer some more opportunities to hang out. he’ll try not to go to bars and clubs really, but small music venues or jazz lounges, small indie cinemas, galleries, those kind of things will be up his alley

idk that there’s much plotting to be had around this, but this long hiatus on top of the other hiatuses he’s had and his acting out before this hiatus is going to make some of the bc team realize it might not be super wise to keep pushing him hard as a cf model (and in the long run, just less of pushing him as a major idol star within the company in general tbh) so he’ll be able to get some more tattoos and piercings and will become more comfortable, hopefully, with presenting himself how he wants to be seen / having some development in that good ol’ lack of bodily autonomy aspect ash has always had going on. he’ll be coming out of hiatus living much more of his 2021 jk fc truth with the full sleeve and the eyebrow piercing .

uhhh ? pretty far down the line but i’ll mention it while it’s on my mind :) i think it’d be cool if ash did a collab (mini-)album (or two?) at some point after getting off hiatus. i’d want it to be someone he really clicks with creatively (though they don’t have to be a songwriter — i can see it working as collaborative songwriting or as ash feeling really inspired to write for them) and wants to work with since it’s not going to be something he’s letting bc push him into it at that point, and something that just happens organically. realistically, this would work with a female vocal best by far, maybe a male rapper just based on the songs ash does / i can see him doing. probably wouldn’t want to commit to anything fully rn unless it really clicks but i wanted to throw the idea out there :)

uhmmm?? ig i should also mention ash will be paying attention to his health both mental and physical he’s been neglecting for a while. there isn’t too much to say regarding plotting here because he needs to handle it himself with trying new therapy, medications, understanding there’s some stuff beyond “just” his depression going on. coming to accept nothing’s ever going to be perfect, but that self-awareness and effort can help more than denial can. not super plot potential-y but i’ll mention it since this is all the personal update section

basically, ash is taking time to recover mentally (and physically) and ultimately hopefully leave hiatus in a better place than he started where he can be more comfortable in his career, even if just a little bit, in himself, and in his life. if he can have some good, developing threads during the time, that’d be great!

[cowboypossume]

so i reread keeper of the lost cities and here’s my fresh input:

a note before we begin: you know how people fake throw up at things on tik tok? this book is the reason i now unironically do that.

dex and fitz really have the enemies to lovers troupe going for them and i’m ok with it. i really am.

so do sophie and biana at the beginning but it fizzes out so a better description is enimies to friends to lovers

marhella and stina give me such power top energy i cannot express how much i think that contributes to people not liking them

speaking of stina i wish sophie didn’t just immediately hop onto the bandwagon of “oh she’s evil” without investing further, especially with how much she is written as a ‘good’ person (which i can and will defend to the day i die that good people don’t exist but that’s for a different day).

there’s way too much heteronormativity and Patriarchical Ideas mushed into the book. like three hole pages of a 488 page book of teenagers being like “oooooo girls like guys and guys like girls” only for della to join in. not to mention the amount of times keefe is the reason for those ideas because he’s teasing like “oh fitz has a girlfriend”

keefe and fitz didn’t have as many bonding moments™️ in this book as i remember, but they stil know each other really well, have comfortability around each other, and would make a 10/10 best friends to lovers troupe.

oh my god s o many crushes i swear. like two teenagers of the opposite gender really can’t not like each other apperantly

i miss read a line and really thought there was cannon sexism for me to do a whole ass rant about in the notes part of my analyzation but n o p e

but we do have classism, sexist stereotypes, and the fact that there’s been SO many characters who’ve spoken and ✨🌺far too many of them are white🌺✨

oh also: no ones disabled. which annoys me because their society is described as ‘euptopic’ almost implying that it’s something that makes people problematic, which,,,, no

ok a side note on the society, i understand that the story’s message (kinda) is that things that seem perfect are probably deeply flawed, but something tergan said stuck with me. on a page i can’t remember at the moment he says something like “[the black swan exists] in a society that doesn’t have rebels”, which it suck with me bc that’s boarderline dystopic if it’s not there already. it’s one thing for laws not to be broken, but when you think your society is so perfect despite it having obvious flaws and you think that no one rebels, then i really hate to break it to you, you have a massive rebellion about to occur; it’s just scented as foul under your resplendent nose.

please stop flirting. i get its part of teenagers being teens but i swear if i read “s/he realeased a breath” or “their heart fluttered” or literally ANYTHING like that god no.

yall. i missed dex. he actually has more role in this book than ‘you can gadget and we need one’ and oh boy i really missed him. he’s a BEAN and deserves better.

hole’s said everyone deserves better and i absolutely agree so we’re adding that note here.

if you do what i did and read this book out loud to one of your best friends who has no clue anything about this weird fandom and give fitz a really deep voice for no reason it’s comdy GOLD.

i really think i’m reading too much into this point but iggy seems,,,, symbolic to me?

like ok with humans, sophie didn’t ‘fit in’, right? like she grew up hearing things like “why can’t you be normal like your sister” (which i can do a whole other rant about how that will affect her for the rest of her life just a s k)

not to mention looking really different from her family and graduating high school at age twelve 

but you know who never judged her?

m a r t y

so anyway sophie meets this teal-eyed, movie star smiled wonder boy who takes away her entire knowledge of everything she’s known while taking away her family too

and it turns out even in a place of weirdos she still manages to be the exception to everything

and she doesn’t have the comfort to hear what people are really thinking about her anymore (which as i said before say the word and i’ll deadass write a whole speech about how everything she heard will completely fuck up every relationship she has) which unfortunately means that she grew used to confirming people didn’t like her but now she doesn’t have that

she has to adapt to this new space and feel like she’s always felt, like an outcast in a place that was accepting, but yet again, she the exception to everything

but about halfway through the book she starts to become more comfortable around grady and edaline and that’s when iggy comes in

she finds him while cleaning garbage, and grady compliments her. they have a bonding moment and it’s because of this t h i n g. and then sophie actually feels proud not only does she take up a room, but she did something

and her new parents are proud of her

so she finally feels like she BELONGS because she helped out at the place where she lives/they work

to me it seems iggy is kinda a manifesto of the world building and character development that happens in this book

i think the plot/character arc is fixated a little too much on how different sophie is. like, i get it, she’s exception to everything, but the plot really didn’t need her to be that quirky. yes, she’s different, but there’s a lot more to the plot and her character than how different she is.

also, i had to reread pages a lot bc i needed an exact paragraph number and,,,, it’s really paced like a fanfic

some questions i have about the society is:

it’s established that they use books, physical papers, etc., and the only thing i remember about trees is the speech alden gave her about how she doesn’t know the name of their most popular tree, and the fact that people become trees when they die. even then i don’t think the second one is in this book. never o n c e do i remember something about planting trees that aren’t dead elf’s, so do they feel the affects of deforestation and that jazz?? like if they use trees, will they run out of them? can they??? and do they use the coffins of elf’s for paper??

this is more of a rant than a question, but here it goes anyway. in foxfire, students have a testing system very similar to the one in america: a huge test at the end of the year determines the future of a student. that in of itself doesn’t sound too drastic, right? well,,,,, not necessarily. several studies have shown that tests in general, but especially these types, don’t work. despite how good or bad of a teacher i think my past and current teachers have been, every single one of them hates this system that we have in place. they know it’s an unfair assessment that does it’s damnist to make you fail, and they’re trying so hard to denounce it. however, that doesn’t happen at all in the lost cities. in fact, most of the teachers pride themselves on failing students. so if elf’s are in such an advanced society, why do tests still exist? especially in an environment where the consequences are far greater than just staying back a grade. 

so sophie’s figuring out that major problems exist in the world the elf’s created, right? i wonder if more society structured problems exist more than ‘oh bad people do things and the law justifies which is what’. like, as i’ve previously stated, there’s sexist stereotypes presented (like girls like dresses and guys don’t), but does sexism still exist? does racism exist? it’s established that poverty isn’t a thing because of the fund elf’s have at birth and their limited usage of money (which if you understand please explain bc i don’t really get how they buy stuff but still don’t use money) but if someone gets shipped off to exile, do they lose their money? is it possible for elf’s to starve to death because they can’t afford food? do they pay for food?? if they did starve who would they call? because someone on this website, who’s post i tried to find but i couldn’t so if y’all know what i’m talking about please link it, brought up a good point that elwin is a school physician, he shouldn’t be dealing with the near-death experiences sophie has, so who would they turn to? especially if they don’t have access to foxfire because they got exciled??

is therapy a thing in this world? sophie and dex could really benefit from it, yet mental health has only been brought up when someone went insane, which REALLY shows how little they think about it.

that perfectly transitions into my next point: sophie and dex’s trauma. i really don’t get the vibe that there was much thought going into their kidnapping, other than sophie needed something to trigger her inflecting ability and establish the black swan are on the good side, which really sucks because wow trauma doesn’t happen lightly. and the fact that it happened seems rushed to me, but i’ll come back to that. but anyway, their trauma doesn’t get developed that deeply in this book because it wasn’t given the space to. they were beaten, tortured, starved, gagged, and who even knows what else for t e n d a y s, only for them to find them again, repeat the process, but someone saves them and dumps them into an illegal city and they both nearly die from dehydration, coldness, and lack of concentration, and you’re telling me after three days of conscious of bed rest sophie wants to get her failing out of school over with? ma’am, it takes more time than that to adjust to THAT alone, not to mention the realization that “hey your entire life is fake because people genetically altered you to be their weapon in a war so much bigger than yourself” that was recently dumped on her. like,,,, you really expect me to think that three days is what made her feel prepared and CONFIDENT? no sir. i don’t buy it.

coming back to it being rushed: the book starts out slow and then really hits the ground running and doesn’t stop. so much more stuff happens in the second half of the book than the first and it never gets fully developed it feels like. in the first half sophie moves away but gets a new family and struggles a bit but adapts, fires maybe but hey don’t worry about it, dex hates fitz, fitz is ✨d r e a m y ✨ but our main girl doesn’t like him like that, right?, stina’s a bitch, and sophie is a quirky girl and telepath but can’t tell anyone. pretty basic stuff, not too plot intensive. the second half though: sophie almost fails her midterms but doesn’t, grady and elaine want to unadopt her (which that’s never really explained as to why they do that but ok) fires exist in san degio but they’re fine but they’re actually a rebel elf so..., sophie accidentally breaks a law but it was an accident so it’s fine, update on the fires: sophie burns herself trying to get the evidence that it’s a rebel elf and it works, she’s the moon lark and basically a weapon bc no one knows her well enough to evaluate her safety, sophie and dex get kidnapped but fitz can now transmit to her and she has two new abilities so it’s all good, trauma doesn’t exist except for nightmare you can fix with sedatives, sophie doesn’t fail out of school, and yayyy her family doesn’t want her remove their adoption. there’s probably a lot more that i missed, it’s just that’s a LOT of stuff crammed into a little bit further than the second half of the book that really could have been devolped or explore further instead of forcing into less than 244 pages, ya know?

fitz’s eyes are mentioned seven times, the first time being on page TWO of the novel

his smile is mentioned three times

alden says “no reason to worry” five times, he writes it once, and sophie points out he says it a lot so he chances it slightly to something like ‘don’t stress about it’ so i didn’t count those though i should have

speaking of alden, in this book he’s absolutely creepy, but something that stands out to me is how much he calls sophie girl. i didn’t count it, but he said “that’s a good girl” to sophie too many times for it to be normal especially when you consider how he doesn’t do it to anyone else.

i kinda forgot i was annotating for sophie’s anxious habit of pulling out her eyelashes so i got she did it twice, but i highly doubt that number

but i will keep adding to this when i actually do the words with my annotations.

[dumbdancemomssideblog]

S1E1: The Competition Begins

okie dokie first ever episode of dance moms rewatch starts now :0 i actually remember watching this the very first time it aired on lifetime because i was channel surfing and saw a commercial for it earlier that day. that was the summer between 8th and 9th grade. ah memories... i didnt know what to expect because i did dance when i was a kid but not on a competition team and it was mostly ballet so i was pretty unfamiliar with this whole world. 

anyway lets begin. this is probably gonna be a longer post than what i’ll end up writing for the other episodes in season 1 bc the first episode introduces so much info, just a heads up

Act 1: (aside: yes its insufferable to divide this into “acts” when its really just like “segments separated by commercial breaks” but thats how they’re called in actual tv scripts so im just going with that cuz i cant think of a better/easier way uwu)

god this is so fucking early 2010s lmao

i miss these days where they were just talented nobodies from pittsburgh on a low budget reality tv show that nobody even knew would be successful. and the bad hair and makeup but idk if that was also just a 2011 thing lol

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES GREEN SCREEN INTROS IM DYING

the chalkboard !!!! they werent doing the pyramid on the mirror yet 

(apparently abby never did anything similar to the pyramid thing but the producers made her and it became a whole Thing on the show and thats why the moms were like wtf is this bullshit the first week)

mackenzie looks like a toddler. chloe is so tiny. theyre the 2 who changed the most physically over the course of the show

i remember watching this for the first time being used to ballet lyrical and jazz but never having done or really seen acro/gymnastics in dance choreo and being SO flabbergasted. i was thinking “a chin stand is not dancing what the actual hell” and yknow what? i was right

melissa: “my boyfriend knows how much i spend on dance because he signs the checks...............hermehhemrherrmehermh” (the most awkward laugh omg)

maddie is wearing a fucking bumpit in her hair i cannot

melissa deadass just said out loud “im here for my daughter im not here to make friends” ok everybody mark that one off on your catty women’s reality tv show bingo card!

camera man accidentally getting in the shot filming right in front of the huge wall-mirror.... what is this, amateur hour? i’ll let it slide since its the first day of filming rehearsal but step it up, boys

aw i forgot about maddie getting sick and crying :/ poor kid

melissa saying “i cant stand a chid that’s sick” sounds so edited like the intonation made it seem to me like they just cut her off mid-sentence i love lifetime

oh this was still when they were wearing normal stuff to class/rehearsal like black leotards bc they werent getting sent a trillion crazy 2-piece dancewear outfits for free yet bc they werent famous, man those were the days

Act 2:

[obligatory b-roll footage of downtown pittsburgh] 

the maddie chloe paige trio !!!! this is making me feel so nostalgic

“knees together, paige. you’re bow-legged, you need to fix that”

“you’re tall, you’re skinny, you’re a beautiful girl, you can do better than this. FOCUS” shes like 10 abby what the hell

“people think im tough and i guess i am but i would rather be the one to make your kid cry in the privacy of my studio than at an open-call audition in front of hundreds of people”

okay unpopular opinion alert: i agree with a lot of what abby says about stuff like this but her delivery is flawed, to but it euphemistically, that being said i think the production team of the show and the fame inflating her ego changed all of this somewhere over the course of the second season and its really sad to see :/ i can expand on that thought later tho

aw paige crying bc abby correcting her (but not saying anything personal or out of line, just technique corrections (at based on what we were shown, we dont know everything she said oop)) shes a sensitive kid she never should have been put on this show :( 

paige looks exactly like her mom i didnt realize that before

nia and holly were done so dirty throughout the whole series in terms of the narrative the producers set up about nia being the weakest link :/ 

Act 3:

cathy’s entire involvement in the show from the very beginning was so painfully obviously scripted (or at least heavily staged) 

vivi was also done dirty by the show’s narrative and she was only 6 and they presented her as like the butt of the joke bc her mom’s “character” was crazy and also she wasnt good at dance. i wonder how she feels about the show now that shes a teenager hmm. she really seemed not to give a fuck about dance for better or for worse when she was a kid tho so maybe she doesnt care ?

in what universe would an owner of another competitive dance studio bring her own kid to another studio more than an hour’s drive away, AND be under the impression that she could compete with them in a week, especially when they showed the kids’ and moms’ shocked reaction at the start of the episode to having to learn a dance in a week and compete it? like really what is the point of cathy and vivi being a part of this show im so ????

Act 4: 

THE MINISTER DAWN OUTBURST HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT THIS

this fight is about 50% of what got them a full season 1 and then things took off from there tbh. the other 50% was the electricity dance but thats a point for next episode..... :)

“you’re a minister act like one” “YOU’RE RIGHT I AM A MINISTER! LET’S PLAY THE BIBLE GAME ABBY, WHEN JESUS SAW THINGS THAT WERE WRONG HE WENT AFTER THEM, AND YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DO THIS TO MY KID” ma’am i think the wrongs jesus addressed were of slightly more importance than a preteen being told she cant take a dance class if shes violating the studio’s dress code

this is so good bc it wasnt staged afaik and there are regular students all throughout the building just STARING at them like lmao what even is going on, so im pretty sure this is real???

regardless, yeah dont wear socks and a tshirt to an acrobatics class, thats common fucking sense

another cameraman-in-mirror sighting, but its hard to think about angles when filming spontaneous drama like this, so i wont count it against them

“you called me fat” (i remember that being in the episode but thats not on the episode available through lifetime on demand that im watching from my moms tv hmmmmmm) “i told you to close and tuck in your two-piece costume, theres a big difference. HOW CAN YOU REMEMBER THAT BUT YOU CAN’T REMEMBER TO TURN YOUR FEET OUT” uh scream

she really called the police on this woman i cannot handle this. can you imagine being a police officer responding to this call? 

“we have a parent thats out of control. pardon? no shes doesnt have weapons, just her mouth” iconic

im sorry im still not over the hair and makeup. the flat hair with the side bangs. the black pencil eyeliner applied all the way around the eye. why did any of us think this was a look :( why did we do this :(

Act 5:

they went all the way to phoenix to compete 3 numbers, only 2 of which are shown in the episode.

i think this is the only time they ever went to west coast dance explosion because its an actual competition and they wouldnt allow filming after this lol i think they did go to wcde one weekend in addition to a competition where they were filming but it wasnt shown or mentioned at all

abby not wanting brooke and paige to have a french manicure on stage if theyre the only ones in the group with the french tips is perfectly valid idk why it was framed as some crazy micromanaging shit

i also am really not a fan of the whole “high functioning alcoholic wine mom/crazy stage mom” schtick they were pushing for the first few episodes of this show

in retrospect i feel like so many of the quips in this episode were intentionally fucking crazy just to get the audience engaged enough to want to watch more episodes...

“see those girls down there, those girls with the legs? thats who you’re up against, so step it up”

abby warning them that its dangerous for their little party hats to slip when they’re doing aerials and pirouettes and stuff: “what if you were at radio city music hall and they had the ice rink out and you were doing a side aerial and fell 13 stories down and died, huh?” fantastic point abby thank you for saying that to 5 girls ages 8-12 less than 5 minutes before they went on stage. perfect time for a teaching moment like that :)

i forgot how bad the camera work was in the first few episodes for footage of their performances. like they really didnt think the show’s audience would actually want to watch the kids dance, the producers and editors thought we just wanted to see stage mothers yelling at each other lol

also the mic feed over the music of abby talking to herself giving them corrections while watching them dance on stage.... im so glad they quit doing that. i dont remember them doing it like that for any other episode, i hope im right

this choreo is very basic and its a cute dance i guess but its very cringe in some places and for the first episode this is such a forgettable group routine

their scandalized reaction to placing third and the sad piano music is so funny honestly

and maddies reaction in the interview which was almost definitely fed to her by the producers where shes like “i win all the time i dont really know what its like to LOSE i always win or get runner up” so many of maddies lines from season 1 interviews sound so fake and she was probably too naive to know they were getting her to say that stuff so they could paint her as a conceited brat (she was EIGHT)

the trio costume was so ugly im sorry (is it supposed to be like a 50s pinup bathing suit?) (and the headband thing looks so bad) and also the music is bad but they had no real authority over that bc of copyright stuff

chloe’s headpiece coming forward and the ensuing drama was another moment in the episode that really solidified public interest in the show imho.... 

“YOU’RE IN THE BAR HAVING A DRINK AND YOUR KID’S HEADPIECE IS FALLING OFF” “it did not FALL OFF it CAME FORWARD it was FINE!!!”

“mistakes happen, we’re human.” “YOU are. mistakes like that dont happen to me”

and then the “next time on dance moms” with the WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE electricity dance, of course. genuinely that was really smart of the producers in terms of structuring things to generate intrigue lol. and obviously it ended up working....

[jhindraven]

okay now that issue 6 is out and ive read the thing like 3 times, im gonna do my full review/breakdown of the zed comic and allll my thoughts on it.

no screenshots bc i dont want this to be longer than it is already, and also im not gonna talk about the art itself either. this is simply about the characters, the story, and how that relates to the lore of league itself.

all of this is my opinion, you can agree or disagree with me whatever, yadda yadda lets begin

ISSUE ONE

Probably the best one? In my opinion. The lack of expectations really helped this one not suck. Also the most consistent when it comes to characters personalities, comparing them to the in-game voice lines from league and the card game.

There are scenes in issue 1 that almost foreshadow, or at least reference, the events of Issue 6, specifically Zed looking up to the statue of Kusho, and how Zed kills Althon vs how Zed kills Kusho later on.

The dialogue between Shen and Akali is.. a little clunky? Shen’s dialogue is just a little. formal. but to the point that he sounds like he’s lecturing a stranger, not talking to a former student.

Jhin giving Zed his scalpel from 19 years ago is a neat detail that I wish they used more in the story. Sure, we can assume now that Jhin probably only got it because Kusho gave it to him at some point after releasing him- which means that the scalpel is one of the many wasted plot opportunities I’ll bring up here. Part of the appeal of that scene, if only just for me, was the idea that Jhin stole it from Zed while he wasn’t looking. I remember people pointing out background characters and being like “but what if that’s Jhin there! what if he was there all along!!”  But that has now been thrown out the window.

A thing I wish they did was shown more of Jhin’s ‘performances’, even if only in a montage. To show more of the impact this had on Zed and Shen, the strain it put on them mentally and emotionally, and how it affected their relationship. But I understand time and probably page restraints. So whatever about that.

Again, I think this was the best one. Set up the story well, showed why everything happening is important for the character. Neat, cool. Let’s move on

ISSUE 2

Seeing the bodies was pretty fucked up, but tbh? That shit vibed. It’s one of those things I hoped they were gonna do and they did. The bodies looking like porcelain with gold blood?? And the peacock feathers???? Thats fuckin cool as hell.  Then they never did it again.

In the flashback comes one of the worst fucking things in this comic. Yevnai.

Listen I adore Yevnai as a character, one of my favourites to come from the comic. You know, in the ONE ISSUE SHE ACTUALLY SHOWS UP IN????? She shows up as simply conflict between Shen and Zed (which never actually comes up mind you), as bait for Jhin, and for? Zed to show that he can sense magic from her kids to show that she’s been cheating on her husband with Quno the vastayan servant (bc we know Zed hates vastaya i guess?). oh and Guess What? the sensing magic thing also doesn’t show up again. 

Oh and Jhin follows Zed to Yevnai’s place. But nothing happens from that.

Issue 2 was good, but just a total waste imo. A lot of plot points set up only to never happen again. Best things about it were dead bodies, Jhin’s tiny Zed and Shen puppets, and the knowledge that Shen still writes letters to Yevnai :’(

ISSUE 3

I got so fucking pissed when this issue came out, no shit. They took the events of The Man With The Steel Cane and just. Threw it out the window. I did a whole other post about my issues with it so I won’t just rewrite the same shit twice. But I had to actually stop reading and pace angrily for a bit. I HATE issue 3 bro.

The scene with Kusho :) . Good to know that was now a waste of misdirection because EVERYONE seemed to call that Kusho was still alive. What bullshit. But I’ll get to that.

The inconsistencies in character really show in this one. And that connects to it being a shitty rewrite of The Man With The Steel Cane. They probably wanted a fight between Shen and Zed by this point, being halfway through the comic, and just shoved it in there. Doesn’t mean I’m not mad about it.

Akali and Kayn’s dialogue was probably the best thing in the entire issue. I don’t vibe with Akali/Kayn as a ship personally, but it got a giggle out of me im ngl.

Akali attacking Zed. I guess yeah sure she would. Fits her whole “fuck you i wont do what you tell me shen” vibe. But SHEN? calling off the armistice between the yánléi and kinkou due to the actions of one of HIS ex-students?? Shen would never. Let’s add another point to the ‘This Is Really Out Of Character’ board!

The sworn and witnessed scene was nice, it’s what Kayn deserves. Finally knowing the Kashuri Faction was nice, too bad they never get fucking mentioned ever again I guess.

There’s so many references to The Man With The Steel Cane that they could’ve implimented so much better, especially dialogue. I can’t read the original story without feeling cheated out of what it was before Issue 3. So more wasted potential I guess.

Issue 4

This was a big step up from Issues 2-3. My personal favourite, but not the best (if that makes sense). But there isn’t too much to talk about here? Jhin sets off his bombs from the last issue, it looks cool, but there’s no real story to talk about here. There is a lot of character stuff to talk about though.

Zed choosing to save Shen over getting Jhin is fucking HUGE for Zed as a character. For a character so hellbent on vengence throughout the entire thing choosing instead to save his "hated enemy and closest friend” ?? im sobbing.

This whole comic was emotional as hell, and the most character development we ever fucking saw in this thing. From Zed’s daddy issues to the realisation that Zed’s shadows are shades of Jhin and Kusho (which is now fucking hilarious and makes no sense after Issue 6).

There was a lot of setup for plotpoints that actually did show up later for once, like Kayn being the temporary leader and all that jazz. What it had in emotion, it seemed to lack in real story progression until the end. 

Issue 5

This issue was weird for me. Like there was a lot of plot and a lot of character shit that seemed so condensed that it felt like nothing. Zed’s confession in the cell-wagon and the information that Shen was out fighting Noxians too? Alright, sure okay. 

Shen still seems wildly out of character for me, since we mostly know him as this beacon of peace and calm- he’s so violent towards Zed all the time it’s strange. Like he points a sword at Zed while saying that he isn’t allowed to kill Jhin, wtf

The callback to Awaken is fucking superb. Really solidifies that video into the lore of the game. Camille being mentioned had me like :hearteyes: This is a nitpick- but I wish we knew what happened at the end of Awaken. Is Camille okay? Did Jhin get injured? It was a week ago, if he did get injured- where and how did he recover so fast? Little details  that I wanna know, not really for any real story purposes.

Rhaast finally showing up :hearteyes:, nothing else to add bc nothing else happened with him.

Jhin making the most of Piltoven technology is really cool, and its a scene that made me go “OH YEAH he was a stagehand for a good period of time!!”  That’s what we call Tying In Pre-Existing Lore fellas.

Jhin just really shined in this issue. Really set him up to be The Big Bad of the comic, like he had a monologue and everything! Once again, though, that gets absolutely wasted by Issue 6.

Issue 6

Where do I fucking start?

Let’s start with Jhin. I don’t know about yall, but since we spent a solid 5 issues chasing after him I expected more of a dramatic fight. More like the explosions in Issue 4. But uh we got. Some fancy prop work before he got punched in the face twice and thrown on the ground. It’s What He Deserves but like you know, he deserved worse.

As much as I didn’t want it to happen, I’m disappointed they didn’t unmask him at all. His mask was still fucking pristine by the end of the fight!! Not a scratch, not a chip!! But to be fair I think we got maybe 2 pages worth of a physical fight with Jhin so,, sure. Whatever. Out goes 5 issues of setting up? Not to downplay the conflict in that scene of course, I think it was pretty cool. It was just so anticlimactic at the end like wh-

Kusho! Haha they got us good!! The dead dude is actually still alive oooo~ [heavy sarcasm]. Why. It wasn’t a good twist! It was a “oh. okay yeah sure” twist. This might be my heat of the moment response but I have no words for how cheap and absolutely horseshit that twist is. Good thing we only have to think about it for 10 pages because HE FUCKING DIES AGAIN. WHAT A WASTE!!

Whatever, whatever, thinking about it makes me so mad because they set it up barely in Issue 5? I’m just tired this actually drained me irl.

At least we have baby Kayn and good dad Zed at the end to cleanse us of that.

HEY actually did you know that they thought that Good Dad Zed was considered contoversial by Marvel’s editors?? HUH????

whatever, whatever. i’m pissed. 

BONUS SHIT

So Jhin’s lore has now had an update to connect with the comic. And it’s fucking weird. Now suddenly Kusho didn’t care about catching Jhin after he found out it was just a human person murdering people? And that it was essentially Not Their Job anymore??? excuse me??

CONCLUSION?

This comic started with a good beginning and a lot of potential. It brought up so many new theories and so many new headcanons. But all that potential and all that interesting story got washed away with unconnected plot points, ‘important’ characters that show up once, and a cheap twist ending that simultaneously came out of nowhere and was easily predicted (in the bad way). It was a fun read for a while, but the ending has soured the experience I had reading it.

Some issues may come from time + page constraints, and the limitations of the medium. But those were mostly minor issues. I wanna give the artists and the writers the benefit of the doubt, maybe blame Marvel as I like to do. But...

6 months worth of waiting for an ending like this? I’m just disappointed.

[caveiras]

If you're "all for opinions being voiced" then why do you shut down people's opinions, which is the exact opposite of what you advocate for? Just wondering

this message was sent a few months or so ago but i’m fully aware of what it’s regarding. i’d had an ‘open ask’ evening of people’s opinions on things like rpf ships, pizza toppings, political stuff, and a myriad of stuff. there wasn’t any specific thing to talk about so, of course, some opinions brought up were ranging from somewhat to completely homophobic/transphobic/racist/sexist, and all that jazz. i shut those opinions down real quick and the ‘open ask’ evening came to a close soon after.

the first thing i want to say about this is that yes, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, whether it’s about if game of thrones finished on a good or bad note, if boris johnson is an absolute dipshit or not, or if pineapple belongs on pizza (it does. it’s glorious on the taste buds and anyone who says fruit doesn’t belong on pizza has to also say the same about tomato’s too!)

while everyone is entitled to their opinions and being able to voice them, there’s a difference between having a controversial opinion and having an opinion that diminishes someone as a human being and degrades a whole community of people, whether that opinion is anti-LGBT, racist, sexist, or just generally being an asshole. you’re entitled to an opinion, every single person is, it’s just a matter of some opinions being based on dehumanising people and supporting awful people (trump) who debase and belittle human beings.

an argument against my thoughts on this is often something along the lines of ‘oh it’s just an opinion, it’s not actually hurting anyone’ and it’s just the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard. just bc you’re not actively physically harming people that you have negative opinions against bc of who they are or where they’re from, that doesn’t mean you’re not a bad person as well. the fact that you ‘only’ say these things instead of saying them AND acting on them, this doesn’t excuse you for your words. this doesn’t mean you’re exempt from the people who physically attack or are a part of/lead groups of people against those that are ‘lesser’ than them.

grow the fuck up. be a goddamn adult. think about how you effect other people’s lives. think about how you can actively try to be a good, kind, loving and accepting person. think about how voicing oppressive opinions in public spaces can and will be heard by the very people your opinions are against. think about how this effects them. think about how you are a part of the problem in our society. just think.

[aliens-took-my-iwa-chan]

THAT'S TOTALLY FINE I HAVE NO IDEA WHY TUMBLR IS DOING THAT WITH ASKS XD THIS POPPED ONTO MY DASHBOARD JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO LOG OFF LMAO (I haven't finished it but I love the Hinata siblings' relationship lol) OH YEAH I DEFINITELY GET THAT I think that the music genres are something that matter when it comes to what kind of songs/artists you like xD (also for the arospec ask game! 19, 32, 51 - and I'll try to answer as well if you want lmao) - Ja(zz hands is back!)

LMAOOOO YEAH IDK WHY TUMBLR IS BEING MEAN

(The hinata sibling relationship is GOLD and I love it with all of my heart)

Yeah lmfaoooooo,,, I’ve always envied people with a more diverse music taste than me (I just. Can’t do rap. At all. It’s sad tbh it seems like it’s be so fun lmfaooo)

OOH AROSPEC ASK GAME :D

Okay 19 (describe my ideal queer platonic/ romantic partner) since I’ve never had a crush imma just go with queer platonic for this one,,,, bro somebody that can listen to me ramble for hours on end without getting bored or saying I’m too into the stuff I like, somebody whose love language is ALSO physical touch bc honestly I love hugs and would be sad without them lmfaooooo,,,,,, but I would like it if they would open up when they were sad so I could help them, I really want to help people when they’re sad so I wouldn’t want them to be too scared to open up

^^i feel like that answer was kind of annoying but it’s truthful lol

STUPIDEST WAY OKAY OKAY UHM UHHHHH USE A CHEESY PICKUP LINE LIKE DID IT HURT WHEN U FELL FROM HEAVEN AND WATCH THEM RECOIL IN HORROR

51 (how do I feel about romance tropes in media): I. Love them. So much. Unless they’re cheesy or love triangles. (Sometimes I project onto them because I wish I felt romantic attraction and would be able to live out some tropes but…)

Ooh your arospec????? Nice!!!! 3, 8, and 9 if you would like to answer them!

JAZZ HANDS!!!!!!!

-a(romantic) lien

[thatskepticalbitchcara]

Lol i will try to send pictures from the cats from my computer later or maybe I'll come off anon who knows. I have one black cat and one white one, they are both rescued and with my sister we like to help cats from the street, sadly there are way too many in my city. I'm from argentina, pretty shitty country if you ask me but the culture is pretty fun i like to think we are funny people even if everything is a mess and also we have really nice places to travel like the Patagonia, the end of the world, waterfalls and stuff. We even have subways in buenos aires and they are definitely better than in nyc 👀. I don't work but university is like a full time thing here and it's free so as soon as i get my degree im leaving this country behind, I'm italian too so i have double passport.

Harry styles definitely counts as a guilty pleasure but i like juice wrld music so that's even worse cause i hate the guy so i can't listen to him. Im a baddd dancer except from reggaeton and other latin dances, i played field hockey my whole life but also every sport you can think of except the ones that require me to be tall . I definitely want to travel to iceland that's so cool, we are thinking of going w my mom cause she pays for my trips haha, in my defense im only 21. Also you have to hype yourself up cause you are great so you should think about something you like about yourself, it doesn't need to be physical.

Hope you have a great day at work!

hi friend! yeah, you should totally come off anon. since we are platonic besties imo there’s nothing to be afraid of 😂 but i also understand being nervous bc i can get shy too. ahh your kitties sound so cute! i’d love to see them. i actually have another online friend from argentina. i think it seems like a gorgeous place (like you said!! patagonia 😍) with a really cool culture but i haven’t been.. yet. i actually almost went a couple of years ago but it didn’t happen. super jealous of that argentina/italian passport situation. what are you studying?

JJDJDJD i get it!! i do! i don’t love harry too much myself but i’ll be bopping to fine line, i can’t lie. i also really love a good sad song which falling is perfect for. hey! take me to iceland with you guys 😭 i want to go back sooo badly. also field hockey? that’s cool! i know next to nothing about it though. i’m not at ALL sporty. i bet you’re a better dancer than you think! despite dancing for so much of my life, if you put me in a situation now where i’m expected to dance? it’s not happening. i did ballet for most of my life (and pointe as i got older) and lyrical which is sort of like a mix of contemporary and interpretive. i also did jazz for a while and tap as a kid and hip hop for one summer.

hope you have a great day at uni!

[dekumidoriyall]

despite some ykw talk, this is gonna be a mostly about my faith tbh.

This asshat. how convenient that he mentions his FOREARMS, lest we forget about a previous post... Continuing on.

Same old same old EXCEPT THIS TIME Instead of just our usual surface laughs and elementary knee touches, we actually had a lot of insightful conversation. Like I felt I got to know who he is and his values a bit better what makes him who he is. AND YA know your girl is an even bigger sucker for character than she is for forearms.

So roll your eyes twenty times for me please. Bc I went in there like "HEY GIRL, I know he's hot and cute and funny so just don't fall more " you know, a little mental prep so I'm unfazed. BUT GUESS WHAT. The universe or whatever is in charge of making my life a little more complicated was like "well guess what? We're gonna bring out the big guns (not AJs biceps, which look great too btw but damn those forearms. LORD HELP ME. And I do mean it, like Jesus please) we're gonna let aj open up a bit more and yall are gonna get along so fuckin well" AND GUESS WHAT. We did. I was just like HA THIS GUY IS GREAT AND literally EVERYTHING I was asking for.... Before I fell in love with God.

Because now I gotta get MYSELF straight first off. Because I've been asking for the right person instead of BECOMING the right person. So lately it's like well whoever God has planned for me is probs pretty great, so I gotta be great too. Bc let's be honest, I want a dope ass fuckin family. I want a hot husband and cute kids and make fresh squeezed fuckin orange juice and have a nice lil deck with a dog or two or three. BUT THATS like down the line so right now I'm focused on becoming the version of me that God has called me to be.

But not gonna lie aj looked so comfy I literally just wanted to doze off on his shoulder. And I love having him in my life you know. So even as friends, I feel good hanging with him. He gives a lot of good insight, is someone I can be myself with, and ya know is a general cutie pie in general. But he also helps make me a better person (I won't tell him this bc it'll only boost his ego) but I'm like damn that mofo doesn't take failure as an option at all. But it's so inspiring! In a way bc he works hard. You can't tell him shit bc he does it all on his own. And I like that. I used to wanna be that way

And in a way I still do. But i always wanna give glory to God you know. I want to ask help from God. In my daily life. I want THAT relationship [with God] more than anything. And I kinda now want that in a guy tbh, someone who will not only motivate me in my world pursuits like my physical goals or my career goals, but someone who will encourage me to uplift my spirit. And if I want a guy like that, I gotta be a girl like that too you know. Give and take baby. So I gotta start becoming the frequency and vibration that I want to attract.

Don't get me wrong, my feelings are still what I've said. Maybe not blatantly but you all know. I just also know that (from past experience) God provides more than I need. And that he makes all things work together for good.

Like kyle for instance, the third (the last) time more specifically. I didn't wanna go through that. I specifically prayed GOD please don't let him come into my life to just wreck it again. did God put him there or did the enemy? WHO knows but what I do know is there was a lot of pain and shit and I didn't necessarILY think I needed to go through That but God was like "look jazz I know YOU don't understand why this is happening to you but I gotchu, don't worry. Your pain ain't permanent " AND what should have wrecked me, changed my life completely. I can 100% say after that last annoying fucking time, it taught me so much (that apparently the three years prior didn't >.>) and I just grew a lot after that. Mentally, spiritually, and physically.

So even when I don't understand "why", I have to keep moving and working and getting to know Him so that he can continue to bless me. I pray to God that I don't lose my fire for him this time. But it feels different it's not just a fire that leaves me as soon as I close my Bible or leave church. It's constant lately. Not always like holy spirit hot (bc boy I've been there and sweat through my shirt) but like a pot set on simmer. And not just fire but a wholeness, and this Love. I've never I guess fully understood His Love for me bc you know people are always telling you "God loves you" and it's like yeah I get it you bought it at hobby lobby it's on your wall I get it.

BUT I DID NOT.

Now I do get it, and am truly starting to understand when everyone is like "his love is true and all-encompassing.." Yada Yada. Like you hear that shit all the fuckin time and not gonna lie sometimes Im like ok what is that gonna do for me... Oh young naive me. EVERYTHING. Wow. You have no need for anyone else with him. But god is so nice he's like "look I know I'm the best friend you'll ever need but here are some asshats and knuckle heads to keep ya company. And he loves me SO MUCH that he's like "I also wanna make you grow as a person so here are a few challenges along the way not meant to hurt you but to grow you" so all these fuckin obstacles there are, God sent or hell sent or because of my own stupidity sent. I'm gonna be like BRING IT ON. I'm not worried so much anymore. I could literally go on.

Anyway, all I'm saying is if aj actually didn't stop whatever we were doing to focus on him and stuff, which of course sucked emotionally for me, i wouldnt have had the chance to, one, focus on myself bc I'd be so focused on him. 2, wouldn't have reached back out to God. And 3, truly enjoyed building a good friendship with aj. AM I scared that we might be teetering into the friendzone category? Am I worried that that's all it'll ever be? HELL FUCKING YES. I'M TERRIFIED AS HELL WHAT TF U TALKIN BOUT. I like that dude so fucking much it makes mad sometimes. BUT! Instead of anxiety or any of that negative shit, God's replaced it with a nonchalant "don't worry I got it" and listen. It's like when your super lucky (usually stoned) friend who you don't quite know how they get away with shit or get anything done right ever were to tell you this. You never know just quite how things are going to work out until they surprisingly do at the very end. But the whole time you're like ALRIGHT this isn't looking how I wanted it to. But then it comes out better and you got a few extra dollars to spend on snacks. So Idk HOW it'll work out and maybe it won't be the way I planned or wanted it to, but I have faith it'll be better. But you can't just reap a reward you haven't put in work for.

So it all comes back to focusing on me, which is easy bc the boy i like maybe probably has feelings for me and it doesn't change anything. And this is literally probably the only position God could have put me in for me to finally get all my shit together and get back to Him. So tbh its working to be good so far. :)

[goldenkiva]

unfiltered rambling (this is a (long) vent post; cw for some irl death mentions, sui and self harm mention (nothing in reality), bad mental health time, all that jazz

well it’s 7:30 am and ive been awake since 4 am. which is an improvement really. i slept at 12:30am ish, in contrast to constantly sleeping at 8 am or later the past month or so. and it’s been taking a very bad toll on me lately mentally. everything has been building up and probably toyin’s death (yes the one who was found dead, we were classmates in middle/high school...) was my breaking point as i had a very bad panic attack a few days after. that lasted a good 22 hours before i fully calmed down. it always takes me 5-9 hours to calm down from anxiety or trauma related bad times as i have no real coping mechanisms and i will just literally do nothing but stay huddled up in bed until the unbearable feeling goes away. but that one. was just really bad. i think i also accidentally upset one of my best friends before that which also attributed to it (we’re fine now.) it’s been a bit since i had that panic attack but i still feel so bad all the time. sometimes i joke about wataru giving me chest pain bc i love him so much but i feel like i havent experienced physical emotion in so long i just want to feel it even if it’s painful. i dont self harm so dw about that btw. but i rarely shed even a single tear anymore when ive always been a total cry baby. i only cry full on tears and sobs now when im being over stimulated during a conversation. i just genuinely want to feel physically excited or happy or sad or whatever. i want to feel physical emotion again and not just numbness with an occasional laff or on the verge of getting watery eyes but not even real crying or whatever. 

i also had to get a new phone bc my dumb clumsy self dropped my phone flat on the screen a second time and it was unrepairable which makes me sad bc i only had this phone for two years and it still ran perfectly well. i wanted to keep it for 3-4 years at least...i got a new one ordered yesterday and im splitting price with my dad n i just feel bad i had to get a new one at all bc because of covid and shit my parents are only getting half the usual business and we already dont make a ton. thankfully my parents and sister are the type to not spend recklessly in general (i am prob the biggest spender...) but that wont stop my dumb of ass generalized anxiety disorder from making me worry about bankruptcy or poverty or some other extreme. i hate it bc i cant do anything about these thoughts except just what feels like sitting in mud and i slowly sink in. i wish i was an artist with more clout because i desperately want to be have consistent (or any) income. even before covid i always feel bad about not having a job. ik it’s hard to balance school and work anyway so it’s fine if im not working but it sucks. american college is a scam. at least i didnt go to an art school. (well. i am in art program in college. but not going to an arts dedicated school like ringling. which is significantly more expensive. if i went to art school id be significantly more likely to end up in very heavy debt) but i hate having gad. i hate not having any real coping mechanisms. i feel frustrated and a little annoyed when i asked about coping mechanisms for my anxiety with my therapist she just told me breathing exercises. which ig can be valuable but ik in my heart this wont help me at all. perhaps it’s un-dx’d adhd with rsd making me feel that way that makes me refuse to even want to do them. all my medical and health issues are also a contribution to my gad and financial terrors. sometimes it makes me wanna die but i wont do that. bc my friends and family would genuinely be very heartbroken if i were to suddenly be gone especially if by my own hand. i wouldnt want anyone to blame themselves either...

the only things genuinely making me feel anything lately is wataru and buck tick. it almost makes me a little upset how little amount of things make me happy or even feel anything rn. im reading a tragedy visual novel rn (which is very good and well written and i generally like tragedies and i find them indulgent) that i am enjoying very much yet i feel barley anything while reading it. i immensely miss the buck tick concert streams so bad. watching them over the month and half they streamed every saturday morning really put how much they love making music and performing in a brand new light to me, and watching that last concert bestias locus solus was just. so amazing. i dont know how to talk about it other than i was genuinely touched. they went all out playing at that concert stage bc it was their first time performing there (at the time in their 31 year career, 33 this year) and the unplugged performances and sakura especially got me so hard. im not good with words so im not doing a good job at all expressing how much that concert (along with the day in question 2017) made me feel. i miss it. i want to buy the dvds so bad but theyre so expensive and now is not a time for reckless spending. but one day i will attain them and experience the happiness they bring me again. im sad my friends arent rly into them the same degree i am but ig it really is such a personalized feeling. i was already in a state of dread and depression when i got into the band. but im still glad my other friends enjoy them and tell me they enjoy their music. their stuff slaps. theyre just an amazing band. a band not restricted by genre. a band who makes music because they love it and love performing and love their fans and dont get warped in the ideas of fame or fortune, and are fully okay with being normal people...a band with the same line up since their pro debut in 1989 because the members all love and care about each other so much. theyre still going strong in their mid to late 50s as they were in their late teens. they make me so happy...

well it’s 8 am now and if youve read this whole thing, thanks i guess? that sounds rude, but im just kinda sittin in the mud. im still in the midst of cleaning my room. i am not someone to recklessly hurt myself or anything like that so dont worry about that. i’ll be fine. probably. if you wanna listen to buck tick heres their spotify :) i recommend their albums atom miraiha no. 09, no.0 (especially the live performance version), kuratta taiyo, darker than darkness style 1993, aku no hana, and their kemonotachi no yoru/rondo double single. they slap so good. also spotify is missing literally like 15 years worth of their music from the 00s-10s. you can find downloads online though. theyre also releasing a new single in august im very excited for it. also, the singer of the band (atsushi sakurai) did a collab with sheena ringo where he sung the bg vocals of her song elopers, which was also made in sakurai’s image and she got it really dead set on tbqh. sheena ringo loves bt so yall should too :)

[sunplanter]

13, 14, 25, 35 😊

VERY SUBTLE line of questioning anon haha 💗💗💗—————————————————————13. Biggest turn ons: (I’m gonna stick to personality and not physical stuff) Ans: 1. I really like when someone is sweet like I know that’s a generic one bc of course everyone wants someone that’s nice but I just have a thing for people who you can tell are really nice and genuine, 2. I like when someone can hold a conversation and is interested in the things I have to say and the stories I tell and isn’t afraid to let me know and see that, 3. I like romantic and affectionate people bc I’m super romantic and affectionate (like I definitely want someone who loves to hold hands and cuddle and hug and all that jazz), 4. I also like people who can be silly and laugh at themselves especially when we’re being affectionate or in bed like if you can laugh at accidentally kissing my nose instead of my lips then that makes it so much more cute and comfortable ya know??, 5. I like when men specifically are a bit more dominant in the sense that they aren’t afraid to tell me how they feel about something or tell me/ask me if they want to kiss or sit/cuddle a certain way etc. and they can take charge and make the first move in terms of intimacy because due to my personality I sure am not great at that lol, 6. and I do like just a little bit of jealously or possessiveness but not A LOT I mean I think I like just enough to reassure me that you actually want me and no one else and in the same sense I like clingy people too but not overly clingy to the point where you’re headed towards more controlling and abusive behaviors obviously [I probably have sooo many more I’m just not thinking of but these are the ones that came to mind first]

14. Biggest turn offs: (I’m gonna stick to personality and not physical stuff) Ans: 1. I don’t really love when someone can’t hold a conversation but that’s not like a huge turn off, the bigger ones are: 2. when I can’t trust someone/their intentions, 3. when someone is a cheater/has a history of cheating or playing with peoples feelings, 4. when someone loves to talk about their “body count” (like I don’t care if you’ve slept with a lot of people and would never “slut shame” but if you see it as a game then that’s kinda telling me you don’t really care about or respect the people you’ve been with), 5. in the same way I don’t love when people are “serial daters” (men especially, like if you’ve dated A LOT of people and couldn’t seem to develop any of the relationships into something more than I probably don’t wanna date you because I’ll probably become one of those numbers in your tally eventually and I don’t want that lol), 6. when someone is very rude and obnoxious to others in general/for no reason, 7. when someone can’t learn from their mistakes and blames the people around them or the universe for how things aren’t going well for them when in reality it’s their own fault, 8. and lastly I HATE when MEN act differently around different people especially if how they act around you vs. how they act around their friends who are men is very different (like if you have to put on some bravado or cool dude act around your guy friends and are engaging in their typical conversations abt how hot they find so and so or how they prefer women with large tits or whatever while also then telling or showing me that you apparently hate that kind of talking and those types of conversations between men then obviously you’re full of shit) [again I probably have a few more I’m just not thinking of but these are the ones that came to mind first]

25. My idea of a perfect dateAns: I honestly love chill dates I don’t want anything fancy or crazy I like doing fun things like I really love the idea of going to an amusement park or board walk maybe, I also love those garden exhibits or outdoor art exhibits some places have (there’s some really big ones by where I live and they’re soooo fun to go explore and walk through), but again I’d also be happy with just going out for a movie and some food somewhere or even just getting take out food and watching a movie or show at home too!! (I really do love staying in for the night and those “at home dates” bc they’re cute and not stressful and you don’t have to go anywhere haha)

35. What I find attractive in men (I’m gonna state some personality traits but I’ll bite the hook and state some physical ones as well) Ans: personality wise: 1. I like sweet men who aren’t the very typical overly masculine guarded persona I really like men who are open and emotional and talk a lot and are just genuinely nice, 2. also because of my political opinions I obviously find men who are more politically progressive and identify more with liberal politics as more attractive because their opinions mostly matching with mine really does matter to me in the long run, 3. I like men who are creative and like to do creative things with their time like making art or writing or playing music, 4. I like men who again aren’t afraid to be silly and who can make me laugh (but this isn’t like a staple for me honestly it’s a plus if I find you funny but I’d take genuine connection and good conversations over someone being “funny” any day ya know?), 5. and lastly again I like men who can hold a conversation and are genuinely interested in me and what I have to say and aren’t afraid to tell me and show me that physically: 1. I tend to like men who are more broad and a bit muscular but I also love men with tummies, 2. I LOVE nice arms that’s like a HUGE turn on for me, 3. also of course the givens are that I like men with nice eyes (tho I find everyone’s eyes nice) a nice smile and nice hair (hair is a big thing for me I really think it can completely affect and change how you look), 4. I love TATTOOS (especially on the arms bc we’ve already established I love arms) and piercings (especially ear and nose piercings on men), 5. and I used to not love facial hair but it’s become something that definitely depends on the person like I’ve seen many men who really pull off the whole beard look very well so I’d say if a man can rock facial hair that’s something that I find attractive too

—————————————————————

also SO SORRY that this is from awhile ago and I'm just now getting around to posting this!! hopefully you’re still interested in the answers lol 

[nickpetriccaships]

concert story- magic man x smallpools

SO after school my two friends and i walked to my friend’s house to change and stuff then we got in the car and drove into the city. We got to the venue about 2 and a half hours before doors opened and were the third group of people on line which was sweg. It was hella cold though and i was wearing a skirt so that wasnt v fun. ANYWAY we were just chillin and we see Sam, Joey, and Gabe carrying equipment into the venue????? it was just SUPER COOL to see them in person irl up close and personal. we also saw queen jb walk in and her haircut was ROCKIN! we also saw beau come out and that was rad 2.

while we were waiting in line, i saw the lead singer from WATERS walk by so i ran up to him and said “hey i got you guys a gift!” (lil back story- they really like pumpkin spice lattes, so i had tweeted them the night before asking if they had a keurig or just a regular coffee maker and bought them pumpkin spice coffee grinds). he was like aight sweet! but you see that purple van over there? you can just walk over and tap on the window and tell them that you got them a gift". so i was like um ok? i walked over thinking that it was just going to be a crew member or someone that i would hand the gift to, so i walked over to their van and waved at the window and was like “heeyyy so he said to come over here and say i have a gift for you guys, so…i have a gift for you guys!” so then (to my surprise) the WHOLE band got out of the van??? i was like oh good golly gosh its all of you guys!! so they all got out and introduced themselves and i gave them my present and they were like YOOOO this is THE BEST! we’re going to make this backstage later! and then i explained to them that i was the one who had tweeted them asking what type of coffee maker they had and sara was like “oh yeah lol we were like huuhhh, whats this about?” so then shes like HEY lets put this in the snap story! and i was like ????? ok??? so we filmed the snapstory and she sent it to me as well and it was the coolest thing evar? then we just hung out a bit and chatted which was super cool!

SO we ate dinner and whatnot while waiting on line, and we were sitting near this wall thing and we could hear MM sound-checking!!! they were playing chicagoland, and it was just such a happy moment for me because i love that song a lot and to hear them sound check just made me rlly happy. we heard WATERS sound-checking as well so that was coooool!

After a long wait, 7pm came and we went into the venue. we passed the merch table on our way in so i was able to drop off my gift for MM and grab postcards and tattoos for the street team. we were like the third line of people which was SO close!!!!

WATERS performed first and they were SOSO GOOD!! andrew (the drummer) went to throw his drumstick out after their set, and ofc everyone was waving but i think he saw me and sorta nodded in my direction and threw it, except i didnt catch it bc some girl next to me grabbed it before hand. :((((

after WATERS, Magic Man performed and they were SO LOVELY!!! they didnt sing chicagoland even though they performed it during soundcheck, so i thought that was kinda weird and a bit disappointing but i still got to hear it so it was ok. they also sang honey and sweet jesus that was beautiful. seriously. caplow busted out those moves during honey and im pretty sure that i physically can not have kids after watching that performance bc wow.

but after they were done they were cleaning up the stage and stuff and a crew guy grabbed the setlist and I GOT IT!!!! except my friend amelia was standing in front of me and she also had it in her hand but i didnt know that it was her and i wasnt about to let some girl take this set list frm me!1 so long story short it got ripped in half but it was ok bc it was like the happiest moment of my life.

after MM smallpools performed, and they were rad as h*ck!! i was super excited to see them bc i went to two tours that they were supposed to open for but it ended up being other opening bands instead?. during killer whales tho they passed out this huge ass blow up “killer whale” and it actually hit the chandelier and it started to shake and everyone was like wtf and we all had a phantom moment, but thank goodness it didnt fall or anything?

while smallpools was performing, my friend’s cousin was at the merch table and texted saying that acap was there, and we really wanted to meet him (again lol) so we decided to leave after smallpools sang killer whales, which was their third to last song.

so our lil trio went out to merch and i was able to get my gift and give it to caplow! we did a lil hello hug and then i said that i had got lil gifts for everyone in the band, and that i got him snapea crisps but i wasnt sure if he liked caesar or lightly salted so i just got both and he said AWWWW and gave me another hug and i criieddd. (side note- i had tweeted him a few days before asking what his fave snacks were and one of them was snapea crisps). theeen i got him to sign a postcard and the setlsit i caught and we took a pic and after we took a super cute picture i went in for another hug and i s2g- HE FUCKING NUZZLED MY HEAD. LIKE YOU KNOW HOW YOU GO TO CUDDLE W SOMEONE AND YOU LIKE NUZZLE THEM? WELL THATS WHAT HAPPENED. i just about melted and was certainly not ok.

it was real nice getting to see caplow again, and i told him how excited i was to see MM and that it was my third time seeing them and all that jazz. after we all got pics we bought merch and sara and andrew from waters were at their merch table to we chatted with them a bit too.

while all that was going on, smallpools was finishing up their last two songs (kareoke and dreaming) and during dreaming alex went into the venue and was dancing and jumping around and it was super cute.

once the concert ended we left the venue and drove home, but it was the most spectacular night ever and definitely in my top 3 favorite concerts ive been to!!!

i took some killer pics and posted the videos i took on the YouTube, so hmu for links and such or just randomness if you want to talk or have any q’s!

also if you read this whole thing thanks youre sooper sooper rad and i hope alex caplow will nuzzle your head one day.