#bc that shit really hurt me. idky.

[gardenlilgnome]

mmmmm im so exhausted.

[sapphyreopal5]

i see that youre an anti-misha gal as well! which is nice bc i cant fucking stand that dude. he dick rides the fact that he was on supernatural too much... with that being said, i keep seeing shit where he keeps on saying weird shit about little kids? i always thought he was a bit perverted since his wife wrote an entire book about having threesomes with him. (which no wonder it didnt work out...) ik im going to get called homophobic for this, but he plays on the destiel ship too much. destiel WILL and NEVER happen! there was no fucking chemistry between the two of them🤣 i stand with jensen when he says that he doesnt like destiel. in no way does that make him homophobic. its the truth. idky misha keeps egging it on

Thanks for the ask Anon, I'm glad you seem to feel like you're in good company. I think that he panders to them because he otherwise would be barely known. Destiel is not canon so you're fine Anon, no homophobia assumed on my part :) It was addressed literally twice on Dean's part I can recall where he said he doesn't swing that way. Why? Dean is STRAIGHT, period! People are delusional if they think otherwise. Go watch a show with homosexual relationships if that is your thing. Supernatural just isn't about gay relationships and that is totally fine. Some shows are about that and that's okay too.

I too thought that was strange she wrote a book about that, let alone the fact that was part of their lifestyle. Honestly, so long as no one's getting hurt and everyone's wholeheartedly consenting I don't care what people do behind closed doors but well, they are now divorced for a reason. I have my personal feelings about threesomes and such. I for one think on a regular basis it would be absolutely exhausting dating more than 1 person let alone having sex with more than 1 person. I think people lose sight of the fact every day is different, every encounter is different, and we never live the same day again (Mystery Spot and Groundhog Day excluded ha ha).

Also, I feel like Misha has really bad breath and general hygiene as his chapped lips feel like a giveaway of this. I made a reblog of someone else's post about it not horribly long ago. Seriously though, Misha is disgusting in my opinion and seems perverted as all get out to me. I get creepy vibes from him but that's my feeling about him.

Thanks again for the ask Anon :)

[savnofilter]

i know it's been years since the bnha drama you had to go through in 2020, but i wanted to say that i've thought about really it for years and years and i was on your side for when it happened. i still remain on your side, and i hope you were given proper apologies from yk who and their defenders. you most likely never want to think about it again, but i hope you know that what you did mattered. i think about it really from time to time remembering how the internet was so eager to go against a bunch of teens and how cruel it was really at the time. i know you endured a lot of hate for it, and i hope you're doing better now!

let's be real here, aint nun of them ever apologized to me and never will. it's pretty evident how past the few troll hate asks i got recently, everything is 100% lbh and them and it's not made up cuz apparently mfs think i send hate to myself LOL.

atp idc cuz everyone else ive ever had a problem with that werent part of their circle or used to be, ive actually amended and made up with. but thank you for this, it def doesnt effect me like it did back in the day (idky i aged myself like that). i definitely am better now! mentally, emotionally (i think; im stunted there if we're being quite honest) and overall i love life. i love everything in it like im just chilling... if anything that whole thing made me realize that i was limiting myself being on here 24/7 and straining myself worrying ab shit that didnt need to be worried ab.

so even if i took the L and there are so many fake fuckass niggas on this site (or left) who said they know ab whats happened but still fuck with nonces they can go die like the rest of them. 🖕🏽 it's truly disappointing how cowardly most are to refuse the idea of not supporting someone simply bc they wanna read degenerate bakugo fanfic. i would be lying if i wasnt honest on how hurt i really was when ppl also lied on my name saying i did shit i never did or the fact that no shade no tea, anonie, getting asks like this and then crickets publicly. and to that if there are more recent victims or ppl effected by her and her friends actions you deserve it!!!! lol.

im apathetically bitter but im just glad i can finally talk my shit on my blog LOL. i used to be so scared of talking ab what was really going on, walking on eggshells bc i still wanted to be seen as just funny little Sav who makes borderline crack fics. i am not one to sub a bitch, imma call you out your name but yk who tf im talking ab!! it feels good to be free to speak ab what i want, not feeling pressured to conform to ideologies i dont agree with (proship, dark content, politics etc etc). so tbh im very happy with the outcome. bc at the end of the day i know i spoke nothing but the truth and even with no support i can sleep at night knowing i got no skeletons in my closet. i own to the things i do, i will admit when im wrong and i love to grow as a person. i speak my truth and dont need everyone to agree with it or debate me. 🤷🏽‍♀️

also yall choose your friends wisely. use your intuition. dont ignore that gut feeling and dont fw ppl yk do shitty things. you will get caught up in it, and thats past tumblr cesspool drama advice. it's very tempting to be that bad person. it's tempting to do whatever you want but everything has a consequence.. everything you put out, you receive back.

n ik im not mf saint either bitch ☠️ cuz i made a choice at 14 y.o joining this site, i was either gonna be some wholesome pushover or a bitch. i took the latter, did the time and now ive learned that i dont need to be rude or a bully in order to be assertive. that having respect for yourselves and others doesnt mean to be unnecessarily mean to mfs who DONT deserve it. everything just feels like a life lesson tbvh. im gonna keep arguing with niggas online cuz i eat everyone up even when im outnumbered. 🥴 but to everyone who genuinely deserves an apology from me has received it and likewise. and that's all i can ask for.

tldr; ive learned a lot, that time was very sucky but we up. 🤪🤳🏽

p.s shoutout to ms gworl @/mci bc she kept me in check and helped me a lot. no bum on this site will ever compare to her at all. oh yeah and i will talk ab the callout any chance i get so neva tell me to let it go!! <3

[coffeesuperhero]

leverage fic recs

So, I needed a better organizational system than my AO3 bookmarks (boy do I miss delicious!), so I’m just going to start a post for myself here and reblog it occasionally as I add to it. Most (all?) of these are OT3 fics, because I am who I am and I read what I read. If you want non-OT3 fic recs, I am not your person. Probably you have read these, but if you haven’t, what are you waiting for! 

Gen: 

01. The Fake Geek Boy Job, by shinealightonme.  It’s casefic at a fan convention and Eliot has to cosplay. In spandex. Go read it and enjoy yourself, already. 

Beautiful shippy fic (everyone is together/small moments/slice of life): 

01. The Three Rings Job, by HugeAlienPie.  Sophie POV. The OT3 at Nate and Sophie’s wedding, where Nate and Sophie are not aware that there is now an OT3. It’s soft. And so sweet you could serve it as dessert. And it has the best boat name for a Nate and Sophie boat in the world. 

02. hacker/hitter/thief/home, by AtlantisRises.  A collection of short OT3 fics that hit you just right in the feels, in the best way. 

03. Nothing’s Exactly What We Need, by BabylonsFall. The OT3, on vacation. 

Everybody is together and also there’s a con: 

01. Covenants, Conditions, & Restrictions, by page_runner.  We love a good long fic where the OT3 help an old lady and con an HOA, because HOA’s are the worst. This fic also gives me deeply hurt feelings about the team having to leave Portland, which I know in my heart is probably the Way of Things, but which I will never write myself because heartbreak. But this deals with that reality so beautifully, and it’s a good con, too. 

Getting together OT3:  01. just want you close, by biblionerd07.  Eliot-POV, post-rundown, man am I a sucker for Eliot-POV stories where Parker and Hardison just...love the hell out of him, and this is just a lovely, careful, sweet version of that. 

02. international small arms traffic blues, by ftmsteverogers.  Eliot POV, character study + get together fic. Makes you very sad for Eliot, and then happier for Eliot. And I’m a sucker for anytime someone has to call Sophie for advice. 

03. So Come On, Avalanche, by elysiumwaits.  It is Eliot POV snowed-in at a cabin OT3 getting together fic, so idk what more you need to know to read it. 

04. Rings a Bell, by venilia.  Eliot wakes up with amnesia and thinks he’s married to Hardison and also has a Parker, it’s silly and sweet. 

05. The Thunderous Roll of a Tropical Sea (the moonlit memory I can’t seem to lose), by phnelt. **content notes: canon-typical violence + Mature! grown and sexy content ahoy!** I have classified this as a “getting together” story, because ultimately that is what happens, but it’s probably more like “eliot getting his shit together, and now they’re all together,” which is my favorite flavor of OT3 getting together fic, anyway. It starts out a little sad, because gasp! They were together but they split up!! But it has a happy ending. It also has fake marrieds, my favorite trope of all time. Eliot feeding Hardison strawberries and playing with his fake husband on a beach while Parker watches? Please. 

06. Happy Meal, by @leiascully Listen, I admit that I am biased, because my wife wrote this for me, but it is this really hilarious flirting-over-the-comms-pre-OT3-sort-of-getting-together story, and I laughed, and it was great, so you should enjoy it, too. 

07. Oklahoma’s Next Top Model, by Hedgehog-O-Brien (Roshwen).  Hardison POV. This fic has the greatest tag of all time, which is: “Title not entirely accurate bc Eliot's clearly a bottom but who cares“ and I knew I was in good hands solely on that basis before I read a word of the fic. Tbh I put this in this “getting together” category because I feel like it’s heavily implied at the end that there’s a getting together situation happening, but like, that’s not why you read this fic. You read this fic for the ridiculously over the top OT3 photoshoot of your wildest dreams. You will laugh. You will be entertained. Enjoy!

08. Fifty Fake Dates, by calico_fiction. WIP, Hardison POV. nb: This hasn’t been updated in a minute but a) I too have WIPs that take a long-ass time between updates, if this updated in ten years I would still be excited to read it and b) the chapter that’s up is such a delight to me that I really think it’s worth a read even if this is all of this story the author wants to post. It’s a great Hardison POV with some delicious pining and fake Hardison/Eliot dating, which is my jam. 

09. For Real, by BurningTea. It’s hard to do an accidental marriage in this canon, but this fic did that! Hardison’s technical expertise goes a bit awry and everybody has to have....a talk. About feelings. 

Hurt/comfort: 

01. Dig Deep, by BurningTea.  Eliot has to dig his own grave and climb into it. It hurts a lot!!!! And then it’s comforting. So, exactly what it says on the tin. Good character observations and nicely written, hurts exactly right and comforts exactly right, too. 

Hot (nsfw, 18+, Mature, grown and sexy content for grown and sexy adults): 

01. Don’t Come Late, by @leiascully.  It’s just...the OT3, having really hot sex. That’s it, that’s the review. (The writing is delightful and there’s like, funny stuff in with the sexy stuff, which is real life and always nice to see, you know?) 

02. Take the Leap, by Penknife.  Hardison POV, first time OT3 threesome/verbal domination. The characterization in this is just **chef’s kiss** perfection. Funny, and hot. My favorite combo. 

03. The Post-Rundown Job, by DelektorskiChick.  Eliot POV, demi-Parker, mostly Eliot/Hardison but Parker’s participating in her own way. I’m a sucker for some good sexy post-injury care and this is right after Rundown, so it checks that box big time. 

04. In Sync, by monsoon_moon. Eliot POV, first time OT3some. 

Character studies: 

01. Dawning, by @darkfinch. Eliot POV, mind all the warnings.  This (read with its sequel, a WIP linked below) is probably one of my favorite Leverage pieces in existence? It is just the most beautiful, dark, horrible look at Eliot-works-for-Moreau you could hope for, except that also there’s a sequel called Reverberate, and that is also perfect and intense and really digs into what’s happening in Eliot’s mind and life during s3 after Nate drops the “we’re going after Moreau” bombshell. Both of these stories are painfully perfect and believable and real and I love them with my whole heart. The story structure and writing on both of those pieces is just excellent and the characterization is pitch perfect, and along with the stress and trauma you really get some just fantastic character moments. Idky you’re reading my review instead of the story tbh go read that, thanks!

02. Ten Prides in Portland, by @leiascully.  I put this as a character study because it is one? It’s about queer shit, and learning to be part of a community of queer people, and learning that you can be a mentor and a role model for other queer people even if you don’t have your own stuff figured out. I am extremely biased because this is my wife and I got to watch this story grow into existence every day, but I think it’s a really beautiful look at the queer community broadly, all the people who fit under the umbrella, and belonging. It’s sweet and funny and beautiful, and I really needed to feel like I was at Pride this year, and this helped. 

03. Different, by @leiascully. Hardison POV. Honestly this just made me want to go find baby Hardison and hug him for a really long time. 

04. The Twine and the Things We Bind, by @darkfinch.  WIP, H/C, big on the H. Parker and Hardison taking care of an extremely fractious, extremely injured Eliot Spencer is my jam.com forever and this is all of that with beautiful characterization and writing. Also some of the best action scenes I’ve read in a while. I do not write action At All and this does it SO WELL. 

05. A Kiss for Luck, by AlannaOfRoses.  Parker POV. A good look into Parker’s thoughts on luck during the Rundown Job/feelsy flashbacks. 

OC/Outsider POV: 

01. Let’s Go Steal a Protege, by @innytoes. WIP.  Gosh I adore this. It’s found family shenanigans from an outside-the-OT3 perspective. Jamie, the main POV OC (nonbinary rep!!), is a fucking delight of a human and their interactions with the super!married OT3 are all incredible. It is sweet and funny and sometimes sad but almost always in a happy tears kind of way, because it’s about finding a family. And there are so many genuine laugh-out-loud moments in this fic that I reread it a lot lately or think of it when I need something to lift my spirits. (There is a bit in chapter six with some thrift store purchases that I just absolutely lose my shit at every time.) I very badly want this story to just be canon tbh. Petition for that. 

AU’s

01. The Out of This World Job (Or, Per Furtum Ad Astra), by pathera.  It’s a job, but it’s IN SPACE. Parker, Hardison, & Eliot find a spaceship; shenanigans ensue. Beautifully in character, some poignant character moments, awesome writing, and just a really vivid world. 

02. Plastic Pearls, by BabylonsFall.  Kidfic! Various POV. Parker and Hardison move in across the hall from single-dad Eliot. I adore this, it is sweet and soft and everything you could hope for in a story where Eliot is raising a smol Molly. 

[adricno]

oh heeeeeeeeeeellloooo everybody 😈 it’s your resident little shit, bc everyone is always yelling at me for something. idky bc i don’t do anything. SDJFKHDSJKFHDS  hennyways, it me adding another ball of a mess to this rp, next to ky, ouuufffff, but thank you to @dcniros​ and @alanncs​ for letting me bring a deniro. I’m very excited. so keep reading, like this, or hmu on discord or something! <3 

new york’s very own Adriano Deniro was spotted on broadway street in Gucci Ace GG high-top sneakers. your resemblance to Lorenzo zurzolo is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty first birthday bash . while living in nyc , you’ve been labeled as being manipulative , but also versatile. i guess being a virgo explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be speed driving along empty streets, cigarettes at 3am and drinking limoncello by the beach  . ( cis-male & he/him  ) 

Basic Information

Full Name: adriano marco deniro

Nickname(s): baby deniro, addy, adri, adrian

Age: 22

Height: 6′2 ft

Date of Birth:  september 13th 1997

Zodiac sign: virgo

Hogwarts house: slytherin

Ethnicity: italian

Nationality: italian-americian

Gender: cis male

Pronouns: he/him

Orientation: heterosexual

Religion: agnostic-catholic

Language(s) Spoken: italian + portuguese + french + german + english + spanish

Accent: has an italian accent that blends well with english

Favourites

Weather: summer

Colour: red

Music: ultimo, logic, travis scott

Movies: fast and furious franchise

Sport: what is that? LOLOL

Beverage: negroni, limoncello, rum

Food: florentine steak and potatoes

Animal: lions, eagles, bears.

Family

Father: arnaldo deniro

Mother: vittoria deniro

Sibling(s): an older brother, and 2 sisters in between. adriano’s the youngest !

Cousins: alanna deniro + atlas deniro + ? deniro

BIOGRAPHY 

adriano was born in Florence, Italy, the youngest child of four from arnaldo and vittoria deniro. the last name itself gives away what his family is all about. they’re prestigious, boujee, and automatically adriano was given a rep before he could even breathe. 

arnaldo is oldest of the second generation after arnaldo sr and corina, therefore he was actually offered the family company but instead decided to venture off into doing his own thing, wanting to make another stamp for the deniro family. he invested in buying out Ferrari instead. buying out ferrari was a smart move for arnaldo because he got a dip into buying out other italian sports car companies - currently in works of buying out alfa romeo and maserati. 

even if adriano was born in italy, he has dual citizenship with america due to his family being in both countries and he often visited New York City growing up.

needless to say, adriano grew up around cars. ever since he was little he loved them, the way they looked. when he was 8, he drove a 1957 Ferrari 250 GT California and crashed it into a tree. no one will ever let him live that down bc he’s an idiot for it, but he rlly wanted to, and it wasn’t a hard crash anyway.

adriano’s always lived on the edge of life, you tell him to do something, and he’ll do it. he’s a very independent kid, he likes being on his own, doing things his own way. he thinks his way is better than everyone else’s. this kid is super self critical and strives to be the best, especially since his family has such a prestigious rep, it makes sense, and he just wants to earn up to the name, even though he doesn’t say it, or portray it. it’s just something within him he always feels he needs to do. he’s young and stupid though, right now he’s really into partying, drugs, and doing reckless things. he doesn’t listen to anyone but himself. 

growing up in italy, he got away with literally everything, and a lot of that was street racing. it gives him such a rush to pull apart beautiful cars and adding parts to them to make them better, faster, stronger. he loves to hear the strong sound of the muffler. he’s one of those idiots on the streets, and not surprisingly he’s VERY good at racing. when he’s behind the wheel it’s like everything shifts and his brain goes into some analytical mode. there is a system to racing that adriano can’t explain into words, he just knows it. he’s good, but it doesn’t mean he hasn’t been caught, because he has, a lot of times. 

adriano has been arrested for street racing, being plagued on multiple tabloids often that his dad is overly frustrated with his youngest son being the troubled kid. it’s not like he had a hard childhood - besides having to live up to the deniro name and being told he had to make a name for himself. it’s just that, even if he wants to amount to something, he’s also sick of it and wants to rebel, so he turned to streetracing, and he doesn’t care about consequences. 

one thing for sure though, is that adriano is a VERY skilled artist. in order to get his mind off of cars, his mom hired a personal teacher that would teach him everything about art, whether it was sketching, sculpture - anything of the sort. he’s really good at it, and the only place besides racing where he can let out his frustrations. leonardo da vinci is his icon, which is weird, but that’s him. he’ll often fall asleep on top of sketchbooks filled with charcoal drawings and have little sculptures around that he’s built. he’s just never opened up about his art with anyone, though people know he’s good and always encourage him to do more with it. if he wanted to be a creative director, he would be really good at it that he often gets asked opinions on things for fashion shows, events, and everything. but again, not something he thinks he wants to pursue. 

because he’s gotten into so much trouble, his parents have sent him off from Florence to Rome thinking it would help sort him out, it didn’t, so his dad is ultimately sending him off to New York City, thinking maybe a new change of country will be even better for him, but adriano isn’t so sure. nothing he can do about it though. 

SO, Adriano is pretty new to new york, arriving on Christmas Day 2019 to fuck shit up leggo

SKILLS + PERSONALITY + CAREER

besides racing, cars, and art; adriano is versed in a large set of languages and skills. he was always learning due to his parents not wanting him to left out in anything. 

he’s pretty laid back, but highkey very judgemental, sometimes he doesn’t know when to shut up. he’s those kids that you know mean well but you just want to punch because they’re so annoying. 

he hates being called a baby even though it’s what he is. he’s a perfectionist, very much a clean freak, but he’s very reliable.

even if he hates being a deniro sometimes, he loves his family, highkey looks up to those older than him - but again, will never say it bc he’s a little shit. 

Right now, he’s just moved to new york, but he’s been working with fashion brands, thinking up new ways to present their lines during the upcoming fashion weeks. (that fenty fashion show? adriano’s creative directing work right tHERE) 

it’s ineveitable that he’s attractive, so sometimes when he feels like it, he’ll model for brands and magazines, but that’s pretty much it.

adriano’s not rlly one for relationships unless you want to get hurt. he will always tell you he’s a piece of shit and you’re about to get into a mess. if you’re okay with it so is he. 

he doesn’t really have feelings for other people, often gets into trouble bc of it too.

he just arrived to new york, so he’s not rlly looking for work right away.

HMU FOR PLOTS COS YOU KNOW I GOT PLENTY~ 

[facelessdreamer]

My two week holiday

1st day, Monday: slept in and did things under the definition of “doing nothing” for the remaining hours of the day [overall calm day, it was just the beginning, I deserved to have spent it doing nothing]

2nd day: absolute fucking shit. Mum and dad were fucking rude and I really disliked everything about them that day. So fucking annoying. Really more just my mother. Dad was just a part of it. She annoyed the fuck out of me. I even talked back. Outfit was shit, going out with them was a mistake, for what? Two seconds in a shop then straight home hearing a bitch complain the whole time and be in a bad mood like she always is and then with you too then it having you in a fucked up angry pissy mood toward her and the whole goddamn world? [overall was a shitty shit fucking day]

3rd day: I went and watched toy story 4. I was late for that even and missed the first 12-13 minutes. Got a free ticket bc a friend works there so there’s that. Some guys took my seat but wasn’t a bother. I was hungry and wanted to eat my meal deal pasta from my bag but there was too much light and not enough darkness in the room I didn’t wanna have eyes on me. I looked cute af but carrying my jacket and bag bothered the outfit. Came in handy later when I left ofc bc it was cold. Gonna wear it again bc I looked cute and need some pictures to post in it. On the way out of the shopping centre I wanted someone with me for the whole day and any days I spend like this. And for a bigger matter to have them just to have made all my days better. If I had someone who came onto my do nothing adventures and days out I’d be so happy to have them. I wanted a lover but even a sloppy not a care in the world type of person would do. Just need someone I can inside out get on with and be my absolute self with every second I am with them. Like the way I am alone by myslef is how I’d absolutely be but with someone just beside me doing them also and me being beside them. That’s all I want. Someone to get me and for me to get them and just be one altogether bc we both the same type of people. Doing nothing together and being happy bc we’re just hanging out in the company of one another. I’m cute and an interesting bubbly go to stylish small huggable laidback old soul and nice occasionally or sometimes funny person who cares and loves deep, where’s my person? I’m ready for you. [overall was a fine day, slept in, woke up got ready and left by 5:42, got home no later than half ten]

Completelyyyy going of task there but if that’s where it lead to than that’s where it went. I’m just not gonna fight that habit of mine lol.

Day 4: Thursday. The day that just went. I woke up midday again. I really haven’t been wanting to these past few days bc I have shit to do like clean up my room and go out to spend days by myself and catch films in the dark. And even do some journal work. Set an alarm to wake up around 1:30 even but I slept in after it and had no clue about it much when I turned it off. Had a fucked up movie based dream I wrote about someplace else. Got up and watched some dead tv. The whole fucking day man nothing was on. It’s a fucking Thursday where are all the mad movies and things to watch please. I barely watch tv and today just wasted my time wanting there to be something good to watch but there was nothing at all for every time I checked throughout the day. Absolute piss take mate. Nothing to eat. I seriously have no hunger for whatever my mum cooks anymore. Need food how they serve it in restaurants or other family homes with sides and new dishes everyday. Like I ain’t even being horrible. My appetite goes the moment I think to go eat food in my own kitchen. I starve bc my body has no motive to get up and go eat what’s in my own house. I don’t want it to be like this but it is. I eat it ofc but I yearn for different dishes and not this for awhile at least. Anyways spent the day again doing nish. I was pissed of many times. My sandals went missing three times and before the third I told the perpetrator not to ever again move or touch them and the third time they had done it and I just lose my shit with little things like that. Like I told you not to, again and again with a mean voice and you got it yet you did it again. I have in the past tried to let things like this go but people take the piss and I don’t care I am happy to lose to my shit bc I’m so mad I can’t not. It’ll hurt more to not express it bc something has to be done about this, I can’t let it slide no more. I absolutely hate people touching my shit. Even later on found out my scarf drawer in my old room wasn’t my scarf drawer anymore. I go there to put something in and it’s overtaken by my sisters clothes. She shoved all my scarves in a box under the bed. I wasn’t mad about the move just immensely annoyed after the day of being pissed number of times I wasn’t consulted about this trade. If I had known about it I wouldn’t have gotten mad but it’s like a smack in the face when your belongings in a drawer it’s always been in isn’t there when you go to it. Like tf mf? There could have been something else in there to which I faintly remember was a folded up piece of paper maybe. She said nothing of it when I asked her but I’m sure there was as I remember something like that for sure. As it was a drawer I barely ever needed to open. Mum pissed me off just bc she was around at one point bc as we know on here we don’t hang at all. We hugged the other day and it was alright I guess. She wanted it and was in a good ass mood and I didn’t mind it she’s my loving mother. She usually bugs me sometimes just being around idky there’s more to it but I don’t wanna get into that rn. All that needs to be said is I’ll cry my eyes out if anything ever happens to her bc I love that woman as much as it is never brought to my attention inside of me I’ll realise just how much if anything ever happens to her. For now I just wanna be pissy at her bc of the way she is with me being her daughter. Like fuck just let me be who I fucking wanna be fuck sake. Comfortablly day in the living room watching an ep of a new show whilst munching some chewits but then interrupted by mother needing to pray. Up I went vaguely listening to her telling me to go pray alongside other views of religion she’s advising me to follow like always. Nothing more ruins us than her telling me things of Islam and me not taking it in anymore or wanting to hear it to getting up and just leaving the scene so she also gets the message. Watched another episode anyway upstairs and finally folded the 3 day old laundry she’d been wanting/nagging me to do. The whole time I was mad pissed off at her that I just cursed out loud doing it

If anything dropped on the floor I’d get more pissed and curse more. Just many many times I’d been pissed today. I even had my own feelings bother me about how shitty my life is and how fast the day is going bc I keep sleeping in. That’s why it’s a bother. I feel the day last shorter than how short it originally already is. So that’s been a subliminal bother sometimes a forefront one too. I attempted to begin cleaning my room after but with the light on in my room and it being late like 10-11 I didn’t like the vibe of anything at all. My phone was red zone 20%. The fact that I’ve been thinking A LoT this week off about how much I’ve been glued to my phone everyday almost every second. Fuck sake it’s easy to not be on it but hard same too bc I don’t wanna do nothing else but mindlessly be on my phone. Mindlessly you hear. Anyways I ended up taking pictures of my mess inside my wardrobe of my mini belongings. Kid sister went and fell asleep elsewhere. Seriously bugs me I can’t tend to her needs or give her attention like i can without a problem but I just don’t. It’s either the thing I wanna do or give her the time. I choose my whatever more than her and I know this, feel it and think of this. I suck and everything sucks. Just more shit that adds onto my conscience and moods of severe sadness in me. I been knowing this for time and had intentions to chnage uo for her and I barely met them. I can still make it right so I hope I do after today. I hope I hope. I really hope. Gosh emotions aren’t far away. Anyway it was mostly that off vibe I got and didn’t wanna clean my room anymore so left it went downstairs or whatever.

I’ve been meaning to clean my room for 2 months straight now. Every day off I was tired or going out when deep down I just wanted a lay in. Never would have had the energy and mindset to clean my room if I did stay in tho. It was top of my list to do so in this holiday and I attempted but didn’t succeed. Will do next day or so for sure! Friday also come, be good. Wake up early bitch.

Popcorn chicken

[ravenvsfox]

Can you make a couples post about Kevin and thea please make it up as you go along if you have to, please. I love your writing and ideas.

thank you lovely, i’ll try my best bc they’re so good

SEND ME A SHIP AND I’LL TELL YOU…

who is more likely to hurt the other?

I think kevin is an ~idiot and he’d probably say something thoughtless about Thea’s form 

I also think that he canonically abandoned her without a single fucking word when he left the ravens and that a lot of her anger after that comes from hurt

I think they’re both pretty damaged and susceptible to hurt tbh, but kevin doesn’t seem to understand when he’s hurting people

who is emotionally stronger?

proooooobs thea I mean. she braved the nest and came out the other side with her head on straight. she did not for a second let kevin fuckin day get to her. she’s still soft on the inside, and exy’s become kind of a coping mechanism in a lot of ways, but she’s less obviously fucked up by the moriyamas then kevin is (simply bc she was less important to them yikes)

who is physically stronger?

THEA BOYYYYY this isn’t even up for debate!!!!! neil describes her as being built like a tank, she’s an unstoppable fucking powerhouse on the court, we’re talking serena williams’ body type, just like.. immovable and gorgeous. kevin is so shaken he’s in love w her muscles..... he wants to be knocked to the fucking floor by her....... she fires a ball into his helmet so hard that it cracks and he pops a boner

who is more likely to break a bone? 

hilarious im gonna say the boy w the infamously broken hand 

who knows best what to say to upset the other? 

good question I have no fucking clue they can both be dicks if the situation calls for it

I’m going to say that thea knows what to say to give kevin mad cold shoulder and she can smoke him out in a SECOND if he’s being a dick like she knows when to ignore him and when to back him into a corner

but kevin tends to be unnecessarily rude more often. he’s mean bc he knows that it gets results. thea does not tolerate him bringing this attitude home w him

who is most likely to apologize first after an argument? 

neither? bitch?? if both of them believe they’re right there are gonna be exactly zero (0) sorry’s

I do think they’re probably softer w each other when they’re one on one and I’d be willing to bet that their arguments end with kevin explaining things to death and thea listening and narrowing her eyes a lot and holding the front of his shirt bc she’s mad but she still wants contact and they kiss and make up w out actually ever saying the words

who treats who’s wounds more often? 

I think in the nest you’ve gotta take care of each other, so they both learn to sit the other down and hold gentle hands to the injured person’s sternum to keep them down, and they sit and wrap gauze. it’s v intimate. they probably did it for the first time when thea was playing for the ravens and kevin had yet to debut on the raven line, and there was enough of an age difference between them that it was pretty innocent. thea was overworked and hit for her trouble and kevin came up bc he was terribly impressed by her and a little bit in love and he dabbed at her cuts like the clumsy 17 year old that he was

who is in constant need of comfort? 

it’s mutual bc their pasts are mutual, but I’m willing to bet that it’s kevin who wakes up sweating and crying, & thea knows how to give enough distance and turn on the lights so he remembers where he’s not. He was in shackles for longer. he still kinda hates himself sometimes. thea strokes the chess piece on his cheek and tells him that he checked riko straight to hell

who gets more jealous? 

shit man idk?? neither of them really have room for anything in their lives other than exy and each other (and reluctant connection w teammates/family) so there’s not a lot of jealousy fodder. and they’re never gonna be jealous of the other person caring more about exy than them bc like. that’s understood. if I had to guess I might say thea’s jealous of the world falling all over themselves to get a glimpse at Kevin Day you know

who’s most likely to walk out on the other? 

I hate to say either bc they’re a really good match and I feel like they’d bounce back really easily, but it’s possible that they fade away from each other when they’re getting their footing on their respective teams. thea can feel herself getting distracted and she pulls out. kevin shows up like???? >:( and they make up on the spot

who will propose? 

probably kevin bc he does the math and realizes that thea is the best thing that’s ever happened to him in his LIFE. he’s probably 10 shots of vodka deep and he looks up suddenly like :O wait a second she’s perfect??? how do I keep her? and nicky has to be like dude.. have u heard of marriage..... it’s nifty and it’s been legal for you straight people for a bajillion years

who has the most difficult parents?

i know literally nothing about thea’s parents but considering jean’s family was a shitty mess that got caught up in the moriyamas I’m assuming most or all of the ravens are in similar situations?? they play for.... the mafia.....

so unless they’re saints, they’re definitely not better than david wymack can I get an amen

who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public? 

im trying to picture them holding hands........ I think they would in a like... come here! hurry ur ass up! kind of way like thea spends all her time dragging kevin’s oblivious ass around

who comes up for the other all the time? 

considering neither of them mentioned each other or their relationship for like two books........ idk

i bet you in an easier world it would be kevin though. (my gf is beautiful and strong. she could obliterate u w one swing of her racquet. she wears pretty pastels on her face. i want to kiss her)

who hogs the blankets? 

don’t tell but kevin’s obsessed w feeling coddled and warm and I’m willing to bet that he hogs both the blankets and the woman until thea is also bundled up. i hope they learn to cuddle. I bet they’re rlly bad at it at first but it gets easier and more constant over time

who gets more sad? 

again like. I know v little about thea’s background but if she’s in the nest she’s in deep shit. the both of them were assets that had their lives manipulated out of their own hands. kevin’s wound is open and thea’s is poorly sewn up and neither of them are doctors tbh it takes time and professional help until thea can take her old jersey number off of her necklace and replace it with a chess piece pendant (3 guesses which one)

who is better at cheering the other up? 

they’re reeeally bad at this tbh both of them are like ‘uhhhh... don’t cry.. please..rlly.. stop’ spoilers it’s bc they’ve never been properly comforted themselves :))))

BUT as time goes on kevin starts clumsily recreating things the foxes have said to him and it’s really sweet, and thea can be v mellow when they’re alone together, so she’ll take his bad hand and massage the tension out of it, and smooth his hair back and tell him what an idiot he’s being but like.. fondly

who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes?

nope

who is more streetwise?

I still know nothing about thea but I’m willing to bet that it’s her bc she’s been out in the world for longer?? idk where she was before evermore but she’s already building a life for herself after it when we meet her. kevin’s fresh out of it. he’s messed up but he was messed up indoors under lock and key. all he has now is a little experience from columbia and from watching andrew

who is more wise?

tough to say? I get the feeling that thea knows better than kevin? idky she just..... knows

he’s oblivious at best tbh he knows obscure facts and exy exy exy. thea does too but she also has that practicality and survival baked into her. she seems sharp to me

who’s the shyest? 

not really shy so much as unwilling to show mmmmm anything about themselves until they’re in deep. Thea comes in and orders neil out of the room the first time she meets him ! like she has every right to be pissed but she doesn’t seem stressed that she’ll be disobeyed or come across as rude. I think she’s familiar with being listened to. kev has that sickly media personality and a seven layer cake of repression underneath that so..

pick ur poison. they’re both mostly bravado anyway

who boasts about the other more? 

again, in a perfect world, kevin’s bragging about thea

but as is thea gets all these questions about kevin in interviews and she’s like “hi we’re here to talk about me” but if they ask the right question she’ll get this sly smile and drop them some subliminal messaging type hints about their relationship and move on

kevin’s more sputtery and obvious about thea. she’s his weakness

who sits on who’s lap?

I bet it’s both bc kevin’s obsessed w thea’s thighs on either side of his lap & her weight on top of him and thea likes how pliant and focused kevin gets when he’s looking down at her

[cheerstocrazy]

Done Deal

I've been seeing this med student from Michigan who's currently out here for his rotation. I met up with him last Saturday at a bar in Fullerton. Some backstory: matched on Tinder, not a huge fan of him bc he's an essay texter and just terrible texter overall (not my type), and he's not my type physically. But take a chance on the smart ginger. lol. He asked me for tacos but I didn't want to go bc I didn't mentally prepare myself, but we went to the bar instead super late, at 1 am or so. I got a few catcalls, and he was like wow people catcall here so much more than back home. I was like that was nothing, it was only abt 3x, and no one touched me. (Being a female is hard) Afterward, went to get tacos and talked until 3:45 ish?? It was platonic, but we got to talking about our token crazy friends and music festival and finally found some common ground. I could tell he wanted to keep talking to me, but it was kind of late. We parted, and I saw a preview of his text, but I assumed it was a goodnight text. Then when I got home, I saw he asked me if I wanted to drink some modelos at his place. I would've said yes had he just asked me in the parking lot, but nope texted me instead. Anyway he continued to annoy me for days after bc he texts back within a minute. And I was like wtf, you need to calm down a bit. Met up on Wednesday the week after at a bar. Caught some of the World Series game, then he asked me abruptly if I wanted to drink blueberry ales instead. I wasn't sure of the context, but I said sure anyway. Then I realized this was his trick to lure me back to his place, and I didn't wanna do anything sexual bc I was not interested in him, and I didn't want to. So I was freaking out in the rr texting PP asking what to do. I suggested we go to the beach instead bc we couldn't do too much. Drove there and couldn't find parking. I was hoping he wouldn't be able to find it either, so I could just drive home and avoid all this awkwardness that would ensue. Anyway he found parking, I grabbed my blanket bc it was cold. We were walking to the lifeguard tower, and he's like I wish I grabbed my jacket, and I said we could just share the blanket. I wrapped it around him and just left my arm there, which is a very unlinke me move to do. Then I lowered it after I realized my arm would get so tired being in that position. He wrapped his arms around my stomach and love handle. Why do guys like to touch the stomach?? IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE??? I could see that he wanted to kiss me and put his face next to mine, but I always feel so awkward abt that, so I just let it build. I kept looking away from him and stayed quiet. Then I finally turned around to kiss him. Surprisingly he was pretty good at kissing. I tried to go into his pants to give him a hand job, and I squeezed too hard, and he said sorry but that hurts a little. All I could think of in my head was Jenny telling me about something related to being too aggressive with hand jobs. I died and was mortified too. I dont really remember much except he fingered me, said I was a good kisser, said I looked sexy in my black dress, complimented my necklace. After we were all done, he also asked out loud Idky I'm so attracted to girls with long hair, and why guys are in general??? Anyway, it was all very nice, and I thought he was a lovely kisser. Everyone on that beach saw my butthole, I'm sure, but it was so dark, so I guess it's alright. We just laid down and cuddled for a bit after. I felt so comfortable lying with him, which isn't generally what happens with strangers. My neck was gonna get strained bc I was lying on his chest, and it was a little too high. A bit later, I kept seeing a bright light approaching us and it was the cop patrol car coming. So I put the beers on the bottom with my throw on top. Then he's like what do I do with these beers? I said dump it and then held the case up so he could put it in. I said put it to the left, but I forgot we were standing opposite directions, and he was getting super flustered/nervous, so he said aloud, uhhh Idek what I'm doing or where there's even empty space. The patrol car ended up passing us and didn't even see us. We left after that. I said goodbye and he was abt to just walk off without kissing me or anything and so I initiated the kiss and I was on my complete tippy toes and could barely reach him. It was nice.3rd time: He wanted to go out to a place with live music, but I was like but I'd rather watch stranger things....so that happened. Went over, he bought some wine. I honestly should've drank more lol. We watched it and obv the progressive arm over the shoulder and then he put both his arms around me. He complimented my nail polish lol. It was nice to watch something with someone for once. he rested his face on my head, so I felt his scruff. He'd smell me and lightly kiss/bite my ear. He told me my hair smelled so nice, so I said thanks, I didn't even wash it! l o l There was also a scene where the girls check out a guy's ass, and he's like so is that a thing girls being into asses? I was like you're asking someone in the minority, but yes it is a thing. A nice ass is good to have, but I'm pretty indifferent. He replied with "so you're a boobs person" yes. After ep 2 finished, I finally got up to go to the rr and felt a mild buzz at best. Did my round of snapchats, came back, and the room was totally dark. My initial thought was DAMMIT I WANTED ANOTHER EP OF STRANGER THINGS UGH.Well I knew the drill, I sat down to kiss him, then I straddled him. Afterwards, he held me tightly then carried me to his bed and put me down lightly. (I also dr when, but I felt his arms at one point when they were flexed and was like ZAMN lol) He took off my shorts and just went down on me, which felt like an eternity, but I think it was around 20 minutes. Holy shit best 20 minutes of my life for sure. Not sure if I orgasmed or not, but it was literally mind blowing lmao. At one point, I told him to grab my boobs too (and I've never instructed anyone to do anything before hah hah).  He went psycho down there. I'm usually pretty quiet when the things happen, and I'll grunt/moan at best, but I was actually cussing out loud and saying his name too, which I normally do not do. It was AMAZINGGGGGGG, he just got more and more intense, it almost became too much for me to handle. I remember him saying "Oh this tastes so damn good". It started to hurt, but it felt so pleasurable too. 10/10, A1, all the accolates for sure. Idek if he ever even went up for air. I would never have expected it from here. For sure, he went down on me like a possessed person. After he finished, I had to return the favor, and ugh I HATE BLOW JOBS LOL. They're exhausting for my mouth.I was so tired of smelling my saliva too, but dick feels/tastes good. I deep throated him a few times, but I didn't want to leave it too long, bc I didn't wanna gag, and he had good dick. haha I got really tired after a certain point, so I just gave him a hand job on my knees, silently praying for him to cum, so I wouldn't have to put his dick back into my mouth. Lmao. He ended up getting on top of me and I could feel his dick touching me and almost inside of me, so I just said do you have a condom? He went to go put it on. Then I don't think he could find it, so I slid it in. It didn't feel astronomically different, it just felt like a different sensation, since it was something new entering me. I was just getting used to it, so I wasn't too into the pleasure of it, though it did feel good. I can't really explain it. It didn't hurt when we were in missionary or doggy style. When we were doing doggy style, he couldn't find it, so I kept putting it in and it'd slip out, then he put it in my butthole, and I was like nope, and he just started laughing bc this had been after multiple tries haha. I put it in correctly, but since we were at different angles, it just wouldn't stay, it slipped once, and my vagina was just clamping around it, and he didn't even realize, so I just let him have a go at it before I told him it was outside lmao. He was grabbing my boobs then too, and he said out loud "God, I love your tits." Then he made me go on top, and I put it in but it hurt so much at that point and he was touching my clit, and it was overwhelming for me, and I didn't even know what to do. I should've went down and used his shoulders as something to hold on and thrust like that instead of riding him like a cowgirl lmao. It hurt, and Idk whether he could sense I didn't like it or that he wanted action, but he turned me over and just did missionary again. He came inside of me and just left his dick inside and kissed me so tenderly. It was so nice. Afterward he pulled out, and we just held each other in a full embrace with our bodies fully intertwined for 2 minutes or so. It was such a nice moment. Post-coital bliss/afterglow IS A VERY REAL THING. I loved it so much. It was such an intimate and personal moment -- possibly one of the most intimate/vulnerable moments ever. Then I said I'mma go use the restroom and attempted to find my clothes in the dark. He went to the restroom first, while Iooked for my shorts. I couldn't find anything else. He turned the lights on, and I was like Im just gonna wear your shirt since I can't find my shirt, so he just stood in front of me as I put his shirt on. I don't mind too much about the boobs. I wore my shorts without underwear, so when I went to the rr, I saw hints of blood on my short bc I was spotting. I was like fuck, I forgot about this. I wore my shorts without underwear, then idk when I went to the rr again to put on my underwear. Afterward, we watched one more ep of Stranger Things, and he just wrapped both his arms around me while I laid my head in the nook of his shoulders. We were exhausted afterwards, honestly I was exhausted during the entire thing and just wanted to sleep.We both crawled into bed and I took inner left, and he just draped his arms and body over me. He knocked out immediately and started snoring into my right ear. I laid there petrified and thinking oh fuck me, I am not going to sleep tonight BC HE SNORES AND I DON'T HAVE EARPLUGS. I could hear the piercing sound of silence so clearly! I was delirious and felt like I was living in a lucid nightmare bc I kept thinking we were inside a restaurant area and there were a bunch of food trucks around like in Austin. I wanted thai food, he was standing next to a bbq stand, and I was like how are they even gonna make food for us at this hour and where would they even make it?? I got up bc I needed to pee and it was 6 am, I stumbled when I got out not realizing how fucking tired I was. When I peed, I looked at the toilet and it was completely bright red. I was like fuck. I came back and he asked me if I threw up. I was like what lol no. I finally was able to sleep on and off after. At one point, he cuddled up to me and he was sleeping in the upper bed with just sheets, then I think he got too cold and migrated to the lower bed with blankets. Also he sleeps on his back, so it's hard for him to cuddle with me and sleep, since I'm a side sleeper haha. Idr most of the morning, but he awoke around 9 ish and I woke up for a bit too. He asked me if I slept well, and I said not really. He asked if he snored too, and I said yeah. He said I'm so sorry, you should have kicked me. I rolled over and said out loud "I'm so cold, do you have any blankets?" He said yes, he took the blankets and draped it over me and then went under them and cuddled up with me, UGH LOVED IT. He's so sweet. He went over me and cuddled me from behind on the left side bc I turned over. He wrapped himself around me once more and we fit so perfectly. He would fondle me, he did this for the past hour, but I was too self conscious about spotting and also I WAS EXHAUSTED, I couldn't open my eyes. I thought abt it so many times -- turning over and playing with him too for morning foreplay -- but I couldn't bring myself to. I needed the sleep. He laid on my hair so many times and I was like T_T He kissed the back of my neck and just softly caressed my stomach side boob top of vag. He nibbled at my ear too, it was all so nice and comforting. I was just too tired, I couldn't do it. sorry bro bro. Then at 11:30, I finally woke up and was on my phone scrolling thru insta. I also dr when but he saw my phone screen with all my nieces and nephews and went "oh how cute!!" -__- did I say you could look? He's like do you wanna go get breakfast burritos, then I got right out of bed. and he said I thought you'd be more excited by that...I was like well I finally got out of bed after 9 hrs, what more do you want? Then he said yeah I woke up earlier, but I knew you were tired so I let you sleep. lol lol lol. For some reason, he asked me if he should wear his half fabric/leather kinna like brogues, but not quite out or chukka boots, and I was like chukka boots all the way. I also asked him if he had listerine or anything I could use to clean my teeth, and he's like uhh...have you tried the finger with toothpaste method before. I said yeah lol. There was so mcuh freaking toothpaste leftover in my mouth. omGOD. He said "I would've told you t bring your own toothbrush, but that would've been presumptuous." I also changed in his restroom bc I said I was gonna pee as well, Idk just thought it'd be weird to change in front of him. Ok it wouldn't be weird, I'd just feel weird haha. We left to grab breakfast. He ordered first and the cashier was like is that all, and he kinna stood there awkwardly while I stood way behind bc I was just gonna pay for myself. Then he bought my food for me, and it was kinna weird lmao. We sat across from each other talking about politics (ofc!) and he held never moved his gaze from my face, and all I could think was omg I haven't washed my face, I dont even have makeup on anymore. GOD. The burrito was pretty good. The conversation was so casual, everything was so casual as if nothing happened hahaha. We walked back to the car, he sat down and he blurted out in a hushed manner "I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue last night." I lold so fucking hard and just said GG bc what ELSE WOULD I SAY?? HAHAHA He's like what does that mean? Then blah blah he asked me about parks & rec, and said he's a lot like Chris Traeger bc he's really optimistic and we were talking abt the word literally. I said I'm a lot like April Ludgate. He said oh I can totally see that. I saw it in the text that you sent me yday. People tell me I'm kind of like Andy Dwyer. I was like what are you implying? That we're gonna fall in love bc you're not my type. Anyway he parked in front of me, so I just kinna walked to my car and peaced out. He walked over and wanted a hug, and I was like ugh making it so awkward, so I gave him a hug and saw he wasn't gonna go down for a kiss then he did last minute, and it was so messy and jumbled and it was a quick peck. lol. To describe him physically, I'd say he's very affectionate, sweet, gentle, cuddly, and romantic. The sex was 6/10, but I think it's bc first time and also him going down on me was way better haha

[facelessdreamer]

I hate that there’s

not enough time in the world to do everything.

Theres not enough hours in a whole day to do all things I want to do man. It’s sucks extremely. Everything’s just lined up and I wanna do all them things I can and want to do but I can’t because of me ultimately minus the other factors in life. It’s me. Now I have a job. Finally. But it’s taking up all my time even on my scattered couple days off I relax because it’s literally needed and it goes by so quick like my do nothing days. I don’t know how to go about it. How shall I do things? And what the fuck on Earth are these feelings man. Gotta find a way to pause them but it’s fucking relentless and the off buttons mia. There’s vibes at work, people everywhere, mindless heavy work and sad little me walking about making mistakes and fixing them and putting in work and talking to people without wanting to really and i just can’t tell if I’m putting up a front or not. I don’t know if that’s the jolly me I brag about and that I know myself as or if I just do it because I don’t know how else to behave but nicely and highly energetic and enthusiastically. Just honestly what the fuck do I do with all this life? Shit its 7 minutes past midnight. And it’s clicked. Happy fucking birthday to my ass. God I can’t say in words how this day coming around makes and has made me feel for months. The big ass bitchin 20. Idk why I’m complaining like it’s a fat three zero bc to most people my life’s just started. To me it literally really and truly is dooming and I hate the whole idea of it. When I was 17 I wanted it to last longer. When I was 18 I wanted it to be permanent. When I was 19 just moments ago I wanted to settle for it. I didn’t want to be an age I was no longer a teen. When you’re not that people expect you to act your age and it’s a serious thing then. It’s still expected at teen years but not as surprising bc your still in your adolescent years doing dumb and reckless shit. And yes I spent 19 doing just that. For multiple reasons going as me being a natural fuck up to just not caring with what ever I do to actually wanting to also do dumb shit. 18 was a good age to stay permanent because I was legally an adult and could accounting the law roam with a piece of ID and qualify myself as my own person. 17 was just a golden age to be. That was the mid point of comfort. Dumb and smart and old enough and young at the very same time. Immersing into adulthood yet equivalently latched to the past 16 years of innocent youth. As you get older youth stays but increases with some venemous symptoms. It is no longer sunsets and rainbows full of more laughter and ignorant bliss. It gets darker, wilder, mature, things like welcome to the real world, make do and diy. You start to get your hands dirty and make real messes out of things and be the people who are parents taught us not to be. We become the inevitable damage content of this world like every other adult who was also once young and carefree. We’re all so innocent then boom as we get older we become dangerous. Every age shapes us and makes us a version of ourselves we were once different to not long before. Mad that. We also become smarter each passing year so what makes us a danger is exactly that. We know what to do, how to go about things, we are sane and have sense and real firm control of our words and manoeuvres and with that we purposely cause problems even through subliminal moves. That is being older. Being an adult. It’s where “act your age” kicks at you. Bc you’re no longer futile and brainless. You’ve now officially become something artificial like anyone else is. Nothing new, nothing special. Just older.

I’ve said this before but I’m gonna say it again.. I tend to usually drift of topic and continue into a subject of something relative but not the point I should be sticking to. I always do this and I get more ongoing content out instead of what else I might have wanted to say regarding my original point. I jump from one thing to another and I can’t help it but at least I say things that are real right? Whatever comes to mind it just spills on here despite the point. That can be talked about if I remember it again or not

(00:20)

Rn I’m tired mixed with shitty feelings and watching some Justin timberlake movie on tele. (This is me coming back to say it wasn’t that great and dad pestered me to go up to bed so I never saw the end, wasn’t worth it then) God it’s always been forever when I come back to watch tv. It’s like I got to make time for it even though I don’t really. But when I want to it’s usually at night at a time like this and I hope anything is on from a good block buster movie down to anything like gogglebox even. Just want some of that tv nature to bring me back to something normal (I think I meant to say that as the reason idky it just got typed). I love tv or so I did. I barely spend time with the sofa and the big screen in front of me since I got lazy and sad over a year ago. Funny how among all the hundreds of interlinked factors does it shape a new lifestyle. Every facet of life and me and exisitance plays a harmless yet powerful game. It’s mad how I used to be not a year ago and how I am months down a line compared to the old me. It feels like years and years in between but it’s not. This is me. Everyday it’s a new me. Everyday I change exponentially with my moods and infiltration of hella sadness. I can’t get away from it. I’m immersed into this new me whose no longer definitive to the new term anymore. It’s quite old now but always the latest version seeing as I haven’t changed the persona of me since it came forward and consumed me. Let’s talk about consumption? Kay lets. Like I always say I know myself. Knowing yourself doesn’t mean shit to nothing else alive but to you. You’re a different you in every other mind of every pair of eyes that’s seen you. Even if it was a stranger walking by. They saw you. Mindlessly they saw you in mere sight and that’s it. Quick glance and take in of appearance or sometimes a little more with a minor thought upon you. You’re seen nevertheless as versions you will never know yourself and never of the version you really are. You don’t even know the real version of you. You only know most of you bc you know your interest and hobbies and things like that. Other people say won’t know all of that but only some and the way they see you because they’re literally outside of your body and seeing you through their eyes and not from your own mind. So yeah me knowing me I can’t say why I’ve allowed myself to get like this and be so caught up in feelings that are unpleasant and disturbing. My reasons would simply be things like bc I wanted to bc I didn’t care to close any doors I was meant to close in my head. Bc I wanted to be sad really. Bc I’m also alone but that’s minor bc I only figured that out recently. Other pointless reasons may occur too like not taking care when I really was being pushed to help myself but I don’t take growing hands. I have a problem with saying yes to things that’ll harmlessly benefit me. I just say no politely like don’t trouble yourself for me. Like I don’t want that. Who am I? I mean I know who I am and my worth. It’s fucking up there bro. But people don’t see me and shouldn’t see me as worthy of taking help. Like I can’t put it in words so I’ll give up on that. But my pint is I can’t justify in explaining as to why I say no to any simple help. A guy offer me a bag to carry two heavy bottles of coke? Na it’s alright really fast and I zoom out and away like what was the reason for a mini nervous breakdown and say no for? Am I okay? It’s really like I cba you should never have opened your mouth bc really and truly it would be a great help if these bottles can be bagged and carried instead of it cradled in my arms but I cba for the excerion. That’s it! Mental and physical effort. Like without even thinking this. It’s just a feeling and I literally can’t deal with that. So I automatically say no. I’ve gone off topic agains nd forgot my point smh

Next thing I wanna put out here is that my music hasn’t been very obliging past three nights. Two nights I dunno I didn’t even put in and sleep bc I really wasn’t for it them couple nights and I felt like it was causing my head to feel some way. So I left it and slept freely when the moment came. The third night and a night after also too which was last night I plugged in my earphones at some point bc I could not not do it, it being such a habit. It still wasn’t gratifying as it usually is. The music was fine and great with what played. I was entertained nonetheless but my body and head was more worked out and tired than the past three months and I’d been drinking and smoking so I feel that also defo had some affect and influence on whatever I was feeling. It wasn’t good I tell you that. Aaaaaand I keep waking up incessantly every morning for time now. I can’t even remember when there was a time I woke up feeling good. These days and last year I’ve been waking up not pleasantly. It’s always something man. Literally. I have no soul to exaggerate any of what goes on with me on here. Here lies the truth. My blog. My sweet pretty blog. So yeah I wake up and it’s an ache in my head, remnant music echoes which are fine but make me wonder am I causing something in me? Things like bad dreams and I have like 50 in one night and the bad ones make me unhappy as I wake. There also this weird weird feeling I get just as I’m waking and it’s one I really can’t explain. It’s so bad like I’m half way conscious and half way not at all awake. I’m literally both and I get this feeling, it’s heavy and I wouldn’t say painful but it causes some kind of light hurt? Idk but I feel it immensely and it does come to my attention in the moment and I am not okay as to why this happens many mornings of when I wake. Like after it is over not that I pay attention but it does go away and I am either gone back to sleep or have woken up somehow now I just am not happy bc of the wake. Like your/my wake literally matters. I don’t like these numerous sensations I feel in my moment of waking. I want to be woken with ease and calmness and slowness like just how a breeze comes pleasantly on a hot summers day. I wanna be woken softly and beautifully like that.

Okay I’m not done talking but I’m tired so gonna tap out now (02:59)