#bc they’re really very self centred imo

[padfootastic]

H E L L O jfp-eyes pen (thats your new name btw)

i know its a little late but my mind keep going back to it and i also talked about a similar issue w several other people on here since and i was wondering if you can/want elaborate on what you said about this:

"like, u want potters to be desi? it’s not just the cute clothes and good food and linguistic differences u need to keep in mind. there’s so much more where it comes from, including several practices that will be considered highly objectionable by this rigidly judgemental crowd."

((i am v v interested but no pressure to answer this, i totally get if you dont want to get into this discourse))

dani—you’re gonna pull me into the desi potters discourse one way or the other, eh?

so. i’m not sure how much sense this’ll make because it’s like…half-baked thoughts but my problem with this scenario actually stems from a more macro, general trend i’m noticing in fandom behaviour. for some reason, puritan culture & veiled conservatism is coming back in the guise of progressiveness? and that’s leading to a lack of critical thinking in these spaces & randomly attributing buzzwords to things out of context bc u don’t have more than a shallow understanding of it.

which means that that comment was directed at a very specific subset of fandom that decided that idk ignoring the Bad Things & Flaws would somehow make them cease to exist. let’s only take the most ‘exotic’, fun aspects even if it’s a completely one dimensional reading & run with it. they wouldn’t be able to tell u what desi is beyond the barebones.

so, you’ll have people vehemently arguing that the potters can’t be anything but desi and white james is gross and i’m just like—why. why are u, as a non-desi person, so attached to this headcanon that you’ll ridicule real people for it? and then their attitudes as well. the incest thing, for example. there are communities in india that marry their first cousins—if i write a story tomorrow where james marries his mother’s imaginary brother’s daughter, then depending on how i HC him, that’s perfectly culturally acceptable (and desirable). if i write a story where euphemia and fleamont use corporal punishment for him, and he takes it super lightly and jokes about it, that’s also fine. (which is a direct contrast to how the western black family & sirius’ abuse is treated). there’ a community in india where the man ‘drinks’ from his mother’s breast, publicly, at his wedding to symbolise the last time he’d be her son before he becomes someone’s husband. another where a new mother can’t feed her son until her sister-in-law washes her breast thoroughly. caste is something that’s not even touched upon. it’s so complicated. but how do u think it’ll be received by most of the desi potter crowd if i actually do write any of this? will i be praised for my ~representation or called out on twitter for being a freak?

and that’s really where i get annoyed. the attitudes most of this crowd hold does not have any space for cultural subjectivity, what is ok to them has to be universally ethical. there’s no way other cultures do things their way and if they do, it’s barbaric/backward/problematic etc etc. pseudo-colonial, like i said.

(disclaimer: i want it to be made very clear i’m not demanding people nclude this stuff in their fics. i’m well aware of how escapism works, being the premier advocate for it. im just saying it won’t hurt to be mindful of these facts, that this is a whole culture that’s ridiculously diverse that doesn’t just exist for the sake of people’s headcanons)

and this isn’t even going into the cultural nuances of how desi families work. you can’t bring in american/european individualism & have james move out at 18 & write everything transactionally & do everything the way u would for a white character but only pay lip service when saying they’re brown ykno? when u say they’re a certain identity, there’s so much that comes with that. and if u don’t include any of that, then it really just makes me wonder why u want a brown james—feels like ego appeasement and falling to peer pressure half the time tbh.

another important thing for me is that so much of this crowd intersects with the ‘fandom is activism’ crowd and i just. fundamentally disagree with those people. and find their words/actions incredibly performative. by which i mean, the way they treat real people—people from the communities they’re adopting as HCs for their beloved characters. there’s this…hypocrisy, yeah? what i mentioned above, about how if i wrote some culturally different practice, i’d probably be attacked. they don’t want desi potter, they want white-lite potters that is palatable to & tailored for their own constitution but in a form that they can pass of as ‘oh look, my characters r diverse which makes me Morally Good and i can use that to shit on others’.

i think my problem is just that i don’t like it when people use the identity headcanons to portray themselves as being inherently better because they have ~equal representation. fandom is not a government institution—lateral visibility & membership is not a prerequisite to wanting to write about x and y fucking or going on a date or hugging or having a conversation. making a marauder group where each character—functionally an OC—is from a different community (often w/o considering how intersectionality works) for the sake of saying ‘oh i have a x in my HCs’ does not make u some radical leftist, yeah? and i strongly dislike people who pretend it does.

[imagineurfavs]

NCT Taeyong - Birth Chart Analysis

“taeyong birth chart reading???? 👀👀👀”

ngl,,,i wasnt expecting to get another request for these lol, thank u~~~

Sun - (our true self, the soul) - Cancer (1st Decan) 💧🦀♋

This is the most “cancerian” of the Cancer decans lol. This is what makes him so emotional and receptive. He’s so sensitive to not only his emotions, but the emotions of those around him too. He’s so so empathetic and truly feels hurt when he sees someone he cares about in pain. This can sometimes be a detriment to him though, as he’s someone who finds it really really hard to say no to people. He doesn’t like rejecting people, because he can empathise so much, and the last thing he’d wanna do is upset anyone, so he’ll just say yes to anything.

Moon - (emotions, instincts, our vulnerable side) - Leo 🔥🦁♌

Moon in Leo is a perfect placement to have of you're a celebrity lol, Leo moons loooove to be centre of attention; they love having all eyes on them.

They can be a bit bossy sometimes, just bc they want everything to be done a certain way. They do try and treat everyone fairly but sometimes that can be difficult when there's work to be done.

It's a great placement for a leader to have imo; picture a lion leading a pack, it's very much that kinda vibe lol. He sees his members as an extension of himself, so of course he wants his members to be the best they can, bc that reflects onto him as well lol, and the last thing he'd want would for someone to question his abilities as a leader.

He's prone to being a bit sulky if he ever feels like his pride has been hurt, his ego is very sensitive :(

Mercury (How we communicate & express ourselves, intellect) - Gemini 🌬👬♊

He can be kinda all over the place in how he speaks; he's quick witted and good with words, but he can also be really nervous and scatter brained.

He loves to learn, he'll always be looking for something new to try. But the reason why he's always looking is because he gets bored so quickly, it's very seldom he'll totally finish something before starting something new. That's not to say he won't finish anything, just that he'll have numerous things going on at once bc he just can't stop finding new things he wants to try.

Loves to flirt with his words rather than anything else, he wants to please your mind before he even thinks about getting to your body, and he appreciates a partner that can do the same for him. He'd love a partner who can hold their own in a debate without getting their feelings hurt; someone who can match him mentally.

The one downside of this placement and I speak from experience of an ex w this placement lol, is that sometimes they're the type to start some shit just because they're bored. They want drama; they want that mental stimulation and the only way they can think of getting it is with an argument lol. Getting into a full on argument with Taeyong could be brutal; he's the type to know exactly what to say to break your heart. He goes right for the jugular when he feels threatened, he can use his words to either make you fall in love with him, or despise him forever.

Venus (how we are in love & romance, creativity, what brings us joy) - Gemini 🌬👬♊

Relationships with Taeyong are largely very surface level. Meaning he very rarely let's himself get super deeply connected with someone bc he can find it super hard to listen to his heart instead of his head.

Gets bored in love very very quickly; he'll try his best to keep things fresh and exciting, and he expects the same from his partner. He doesn't appreciate being cooped up; if a significant other doesn't let him see his friends, or tells him to cancel going to any social gatherings, that sends alarm bells ringing in his head right away.

He really is attracted to people's minds as opposed to their physical appearances. Someone might be the most gorgeous creature on this earth, but if they cant hold a decent conversation, he’s not interested.

This placement is yet further confirmation that he'd use his words to get in your pants lol, to Taeyong, a saucy conversation is the best form of foreplay there is.

Mars (sex, passion, anger, what drives us) - Virgo ⛰👼🏼♍

A tricky placement lol, he's much more emotional than he looks, but he hates that that's the case. He really doesn't like to let his emotions control him.

Loves to be of be of help to whoever he's trying to woo, he'll do anything for them without question. He’ll be that type of person who answers any call no matter what the time, who comes to your aid no matter the problem; he wants to be someone you can turn to for anything.

Really not a fan of any type of pda, he keeps anything like that behind closed doors. Not bc hes shy or anything, he just finds those moments so precious, they're for you two, and you two only.

Hates one night stands and has no issue holding out for the right person, he absolutely won't settle. So whoever he chooses can rest assured they're the best of the best.

He can be a lil bit insecure with his skills in that regard and appreciates someone either less experienced than him, or someone he can explore everything together with.

Jupiter (optimism, luck, philosophy & just good vibes lol) - Sagittarius 🔥🐎♐

Now, Jupiter is the ruler of Sagittarius, which means that all that the planet is known for is multiplied tenfold here. People with this placement are extra optimistic, extra lucky and usually very self assured.

Regardless of whether or not he follows any actual religion, Taeyong will have a very strong set of personal beliefs and morals. He has a strong sense of right and wrong instilled within him and he won’t ever be swayed from them. With that said though, he’s always open to learning about others beliefs, even if they aren’t something he plans on following himself. He’s always curious and ready to question everything and gain knowledge from wherever he can.

He gets bored very very easily however, if he isn't given enough room to explore and broaden his horizons then he’s just gonna get restless and go get what he wants by himself anyway. He needs to realise that sometimes he needs to lean on people, that he can’t deal with everything all by himself. Once he realises that most people really do have his best interests at heart, and would like to see him succeed, there would be no stopping him.

💚

[holyjareau]

imo, the show was often unilaterally focused on Piper, but only on what she could do for others (Piper the wife and Piper the mother) rather than who she was as a person. Piper's individual characterization was lost sometime around s5 as soon as she got pregnant, and being a mother and wife pretty much became her sole defining characteristic for the rest of the series. I would be very interested to hear what you define as Piper's mental issues/trauma, bc as you say it doesn't get said enough

this has been in my inbox forever and i’m just getting around to it so my apologies.

but okay. so. yes. i think a lot of tv shows fall into this weird place where like. all of their characters begin with these kinda vague personalities because you’re just getting to know them. and as the show goes on, you pick up more pieces and stuff . and that’s great. that’s interesting and entertaining and it takes you on a journey and all. but often what happens is many shows fall into this pit where writers either get lazy, they change, or whatever, and the actors are tired of playing the part or whatever . and like. the characters become like. caricatures of themselves. and it just gets exhausting to watch because they’re not like. real people anymore.

Piper's individual characterization

so now for the charmed thing. so from the beginning. i have loved piper. like she’s the middle sister, overlooked, quiet, reserved, pessimistic but also realistic, gentle, thoughtful, all that. we see right away that she loves to cook .. she’s so happy her family is back together. she kept in touch with phoebe behind prue’s back. but she’s loyal to the both of them. her first idea was to have a reunion dinner when phoebe came home. she’s literally so cute n she deserves a hug. but no like. as we go on, we see that she wants to be good, she wants a stable life with no more loss, she Loves Love !! like. she wants to just be happy , open her own restaurant n just cook. she’s also so shy .. definitely panicky and anxious. and she doesn’t trust herself. she’s skeptical of everything, and she’s very thoughtful when it comes to big situations. even in the early days with leo and into season 2, she mentioned a few things about like “i’ve been thinking a lot about this...” and you can see she’s good at communicating with people. she’s also got these other dimensions to her like . she is interested in lots of cuisine types, she loves to read (and is a camus fan !!) , she drives a jeep (which i wanna know how she got bc i have questions), when she found out she was a witch her first thought was just . i need to go and see if i am still a good person . and she went to church. prue was surprised to learn that piper enjoys knitting. in the early seasons (especially mid-late season 3) we saw her with her plants and all. she’s just this natural peacekeeper. but like. we literally got a crying scene in the second episode because she was so conflicted about this. and she’s such a deep and complex character that i fell in love with so fast . and like . literally my favourite fictional character to exist . genuinely holly breathed so much life into piper . anyway . so. here’s the thing.

being a mother and wife pretty much became her sole defining characteristic for the rest of the series

like. piper was who i described above. and like . i kinda think . a bit. that like . the writers . especially in s4 . were like . hmm well  . she’s just lost prue, she’s gonna be grieving . and like we need more for her. so. she’s been married to leo for the better part of a year, been with him for like . 3 years. so. let’s maybe consider giving them a kid but not just yet . just Content kinda stuff. so anyway they drop little hints in here and there starting in like . 4x07 i think? which . brain drain really paid the rent . fully just. holly did so well. but like. that ep was just. a neat way of looking into her mind and seeing the horrors of manipulation and gaslighting and everything . and of course holly knocked it out of the park. but at that point, they were kinda like . hmm . kids ? and they started toying with the idea, having piper and leo consider it, talk about it, they had paige and phoebe ask about it , all of that good stuff. as you do. made for some funny tv at some points. and like . i really, really Get It . when piper’s like . ahh the baby wouldn’t be safe around here !!!! like. Girl, Valid . your sister just died and like . you went on forever about how she was The Most Powerful One . The Strongest One . and yet she still died . so she’s like ??? am i next ?? and like obv it doesn’t make sense for her to jump on this train of like . i’m gonna have a kid !!!! so she’s really valid in her thought process there. and like. after having wyatt . i think the writers really . idk. couldn’t do waaay too much with her character anymore because i feel like . to an extent, anything she does will be scrutinized bc i’m not just . saying this . i rlly feel like sometimes piper’s the easiest to hate. like idk why but i loved her. but anyway. if she stays at home with wyatt and doesn’t wanna fight demons n all . then she’s selfish towards her sisters n she’s awful n prue wouldn’t have let her do that !!!! etc . but if she fought demons it’s like . uh sweetie you have a child . really ??? why put yourself in a situation that might have you ending up like patty 2.0 ... bc i could do a Whole post on how patty’s situation messed piper up the most. but anyway.

it’s the way i’m fully rambling so if you’re reading this . i love you . anyway okay . so . i think in a tv show you’ve gotta kinda check boxes. the best tv shows have characters you see yourself in . you relate to them. you hear them and understand their decisions and actions and thoughts. the things they do just makes sense 2 you. so like. with prue, anyone married to their job could relate to her. any oldest sibling could see themselves in her, you know ? she was hard-working, committed, logical, protective. and with phoebe, anyone who couldn’t “settle down” in their early 20s related 2 her, anyone who felt like the outcast of the family, the “screw-up” .. right. makes sense. she was so kind, caring, had-your-back kinda girl. we all love those. paige was like . the new kid, trying to fit in, creative, curious, and definitely a lifelong learner. and then there’s piper who was shy, resistant, really just wanted to be normal. and loved. and i think everyone could kinda identify with at least one of the sisters regardless of where you stood in your own family. so as the show went on, it’s like . they still want you to keep watching and keep being able to identify with them because it’s not like they’re humans with normal lives so they’ve already kinda lowkey got that going against them . so their more “human” and normal lives... we’ve gotta be able to identify with them to be able to invest time. so they had prue always working, having trouble balancing love and work, looking out for her family. we had phoebe kinda living her life, getting her career going, then kinda wanting a family. we had paige learning magic and being super interested and involved and then getting married. and we had piper who had her career pretty early on, got married, and had kids. like. i think the big thing is the marriage and kids. and when you’re a mother . the only mother really in the show, the show lowkey centres around you . like. for starters, the show usually is in the manor, and if you’re a mother, you’re very likely at home, esp with young kids. so i think that alone kinda was like . huh yeah . won’t see piper out waaay too much anymore i guess !!! but no like . there’s That. that’s kinda. the thing that really can’t change with the show . like. piper’s got kids now and a husband and very, very likely . her life will be centred around her home. which. listen she’s wanted that i think - the stability . she’s wanted that forever. and this is the form it came in. but i should stop rambling here and cut to the point .

Piper's mental issues/trauma

disclaimer: i’m not diagnosing her, i’m just speculating based off of my own experiences with mental health

so. okay. very early on. we saw that anxiety. like. yes . she was nervous about like a whole new life experience . or whatever we’re gonna call it when you figure out you’re a witch . but like she was Anxious . like. crying in the attic over being a bad person . needing phoebe to talk her down by telling her she’s such a caring person, she’s always doing things for other people . and then there’s the whole anxiety that comes with. my family’s falling apart because my sisters are fighting so i use really awkward methods of getting out of things . like using humour as a coping mechanism !!! which. gave us some iconic one-liners. but that’s beside the point . anyway. point is. early on, that anxiety was there. there’s an ep in season 1 where she’s literally entering a panic attack in her kitchen and phoebe’s using a menu to cool her down. like. Yikes! and then she’s just. her awkward self around everyone but that’s endearing and is just part of her personality . and i think a lot of the anxiety stemmed from childhood. we heard a few times about how prue and phoebe had boyfriends growing up, were always pretty and popular and all. phoebe was popular, too, just, in the other crowd. but nonetheless, piper faded into the background, doing well in math - well enough to go off and be a banker . and like. she sacrificed a lot for grams. she stayed in san francisco ... we all know the girl had the marks for stanford or something . like. though . still, i think she liked the stability of home and prob would’ve stayed . but in 3x17 she’s all !!! grams !!! the doctor said no caffeine !!! and when grams was taking the pic of them outside and she had an episode , piper was all !!!! shallow breaths !!! like. it was clear piper was the one taking her to the appointments and footing the bill. like. she literally became a banker just bc it had benefits n stuff. like. poor girl really thought . anyway that’s a whole spiral. but no. like she really sacrificed The Most for her family and everyone still thought she was selfish for wanting to move out . when like back then grams was literally ... sick ... and prue was out here moving out and phoebe was nowhere to be found . so. that . definitely would have added to her anxiety about even wanting to do anything for herself because she’ll be perceived as selfish in a heartbeat. even if it’s not Mean . it’s just. she’d never risk it. but there’s the anxiety. there are a few lil things here n there about how she gets nervous n stuff, she represses things (3x07 i think was where phoebe said piper represses her anger n just sucks it up n does whatever) . she literally cancelled her doctor’s appointment Twice . anyway. it still angers me. then in season 7 . patty and victor were like . oh she had night terrors that were so bad we took her to the doctor ! and i just ... honey . baby. she thought she caused the divorce. at 4? 5? she watched victor leave on her 5th birthday, watched a demon attack her, grams, and victor. prue said she didn’t cry at patty’s funeral and i’ll make a safe bet that piper did. and i think growing up without patty was strange for sure. prue had more memories and phoebe had none. and piper had fragments of this person everyone loved . and she was stuck between knowing her and not knowing her. and when patty was sent to her for her wedding day, (as well as in 1x17) . both times when patty hugged them . prue and phoebe hugged her, eyes closed n all. while piper was on the outside, eyes open . looking numb as all hell . and you know. i rlly think she was Giving Them That because phoebe didn’t get her and prue kinda . in a way. lost more of her . if that makes sense ?? and i just. patty really was like . they sent me to You. and 5 seconds later . piper’s like . they sent mom to Us !!! and it’s that idea of sacrifice and never having anything for yourself because she was never just . given anything for herself . everything in her life has been a sacrifice and as a mother, that’s perpetuated. she can assume that role with more of a purpose . like. people won’t really feel sorry for her now as the “forgotten” sister, they won’t try and coddle her or anything. and another thing. control. piper craved stability and control. i think while cooking was something she loved, it also gave her a lot of control . she could control her whole kitchen . even in season 8 .. maybe vaya con leos actually . leo mentioned how much piper craves control. and the control motif makes sense with her powers too. like. piper craved control so much that her powers allowed her to control things down to the atom. so there’s the whole anxiety and needing to control things to ease her anxiety and all. there’s That whole thing.

and then we get to the infamous season 5 fearless spell . ms girl really sat in the attic just writing everything on the wall and it’s the way i screenshotted it and like . zoomed in and tried deciphering it . and like . there’s words like “stop” and i think “sister” is in there a few times, so is “loss” or “lost”. when i watch it next i’ll grab a cap because it’s . disturbing. girl was so scared . literally was writing a spell to get rid of her fears . she also writes Fear . as in. capital F . and like. yeah that’s deep but i do it too like i emphasize words with a capital letter . and like holly marie combs might just have quirky n fun writing but like ... capital F . for Fear. for real . that’s . trauma !!! and she also was having panic attacks at the beginning of season 5. let’s not forget those. which ... we should’ve gotten more of an explanation for . i hope that girl is getting help bc she was Going Through It . and in season 7 when zankou reads her diary . firstly. we Knew this girl kept a diary like . for Sure . she did. and just that little excerpt of when prue died . oops. i’d pay big money to see the rest because again i just think she’s got such a complex mind and like. i’d be so interested to read that. and i think everything re: prue is just Awful for her. like . idk if this is just something quirky i noticed but obv we know prue died in may 2001 . but at the end of 4x03, when piper goes 2 paige’s work 2 bring her muffins !! soft !!! the calendar on one of the desks reads july 2001 ... and i really just. ms girl. i Know they prob just filmed the ep in july but it honestly tracks that she’d be so awfully upset about everything and just . barely able to do anything but cook . for 2 months. like. honey. baby. i wanted 2 just cuddle her bc she was so sad. and like. she tells paige she’s having “good hours” and “not so good hours” . she’s going by the Hour . by the Hour . just. need i say more . i’m so . but no like. if anything like i could see her having like . depression where she’s high-functioning and like just . walking depression i guess ?? like . not even after prue. i think in general. like . she definitely has a melancholic temperament and a type 6 enneagram (the skeptic). that’s For Sure . but i think. just. she’s always just had time to think bc she’s always alone, reading, knitting, cooking, tending to her plants, all that. and i just . think. she has issues. and i think prue knew that. of all people. and i think her knowing that . and then dying. destroyed piper. she lost the last person that was truly a constant in her life . like they shared a roof over their heads forever. and then she was just . gone . and piper was suddenly left to pick up the pieces . and become the oldest sister . and i’m So glad she didn’t fully assume her personality. i’m glad she stayed as piper . just. she’s more cynical and snarky and defensive and cold and that’s okay. she’s hurting. she’s always gonna hurt . and i think it makes her human . she’s pessimistic and sad and has a short fuse at times . but just. again. i love her to bits and i think those issues make her more relatable for me. because while many like to say she became selfish and a negative person and just . awful to be around . i’d say the opposite . i won’t sit and apologize or justify things. also i don’t think piper’s done anything wrong . i just think she’s hurt. she’s been wronged so many times. and she’s .... scared. i think she’s scared . and in season 5 “sympathy for the demon” we learn her true biggest fear is her happiness being stolen away. and like . it’s not that she’s scared she won’t be happy. she’s scared all of the good she’s got will be taken from her . and that’s . terrifying . so . i see why she’s so snarky and bitter and tired and all . she’s terrified of things being taken from her like they have been her whole life. and as i watch the show i really like to just keep that in mind as i get further and further in because yes. she did become a mother and a wife and we saw her arguing with leo a lot and their marriage falling apart and That Whole Era . we saw how it kind of took over her life but i think it happens . i think she even said at one point . i’ve been so many things to so many people, i don’t know who i am anymore . and i think it sums her up perfectly. she doesn’t know who she is because she’s someone to everyone . she’s just. nobody to herself except this scared little girl who just wants Something . Anything . to make sense . some Stability . and her babies, her husband, and her sisters . are all she has for that idea of stability to make sense in her mind. and it was an easy hole to fall into - the Mother - but i think she jumped in. because at the Very Least . nobody could take that title away from her . regardless of how hard they tried .

[menalez]

As a psych major and I think?? someone who's talked about personality disorders what do you think of the term "narcissistic abuse"? I saw a TRA complaining about it. They were going on and on about how it's ableist and people in the notes were even like "the victims use that word bc they want to feel like their abuse was special or more damaging" which gross wtf why would they say that??? I was thinking its perfectly fine to use that term if it applies because it is just a way to describe an abusive relationship with more accuracy than just "emotional abuse". It actually refers to specific behaviors and motives. Do you think its ableist? I have anxiety and I'm on the spectrum but I don't have any personality disorders. At the same time, if someone talked about the specific ways an abusive person with autism or anxiety might abuse someone I wouldnt be offended because they arent talking about me, they're talking about an abuser. Which Im not. So I wouldn't be offended :/

yes ive talked about personality disorders! and no i don’t think it’s ableist, i DO think ppl overuse the term and have been calling every other self-centred asshole a narcissistic abuser. but people on tumblr make it seem like.. ppl with NPD & ASPD particularly care? like? firstly people w both disorders Can be abusive and likely won’t care when they are not bc they’re Inherently Bad people at all but.. for ASPD one of the defining characteristics is a disregard for the rights & feelings of others. for NPD one of the defining characteristics is looking down on others and thinking ur inherently superior & inherently deserve better. so like, both of those disorders have symptoms which can result in being abusive. people ive come across with diagnosed ASPD genuinely will not give a shit nor feel guilty if that shit is applied to them and ppl with NPD usually also don’t give a shit and both will openly talk about having been abusive. i do think that some people have very black & white beliefs on these disorders and think those who have these disorders are evil and can’t possibly not be abusive or can’t possibly care about anyone ever or can’t possibly improve as ppl... that’s false. they are people like anyone else and have potential to do good and to do bad, they have the ability to do better and change their behaviours. it’s not inherent or uncontrollable and it is treatable to a degree. and i need to emphasise again... most ppl who these terms apply to literally do not give a single shit. low empathy and disregard for other people’s feelings are very common in NPD and is an inherent part of ASPD.

tho i must say, the term “narcissistic abuse” is not really something that’s been proven to even be a thing. not to say “narcissists abusing those close to them doesn’t happen”, but that there’s nothing showing us that ppl with NPD that abuse will be abusing in a specific and unique way that warrants there being a term for it. and most times i see it being used, it’s being used to refer to someone who likely doesn’t even have a rare and serious disorder like NPD. i also tend to not like such terms bc they place the blame on the disorder rather than the individual. people with personality disorders can control our behaviours and we can seek help and do better, it’s not out of our control nor is someone like that incapable of doing better. it removes the responsibility from the person & puts it on their disorder. so while i don’t think it’s ableist, i also don’t rly think it’s useful nor is it a proven thing. it’s kinda like a pop psychology / armchair psychology thing and it’s not a legitimate term based on research. and it’s become so popular that people are calling every other instance of a person being self-centred and abusive “narcissistic abuse”, to the point where it’s meaningless. abusers are just abusers, they have total control over being abusers and there is no disorder they can hide behind when they act in that way. imo it very much is their choice and on them, even if they have NPD or ASPD, it’s their choice to be abusive and to harm others, their disorder didn’t make them do it. what their disorder does is it makes them not care, but it doesn’t make them take it out on other ppl. so while i definitely think abuse should always be talked about and that there can be a tendency towards abuse w those two disorders, i don’t think the term itself is useful bc it frames it like those disorders create a specific and unique form of abuse that people without the disorders don’t perpetuate. that’s simply false

i think this kinda explains my viewpoint on that term.

[bisidneycarter]

gonna rate all of the synonyms google have given me for BEAUTIFUL, you want to wait until the end (at least skip to it) i promise.

Attractive

2/10. blunt. uninventive. kind of formal. sort of based on societal norms but i guess all beauty is. well used so ig it gets some points for popularity. but basic imo

Pretty

5/10. it’s... fine. like we use it all the time, right? it’s nice, a gentle sounding word. solid adjective. ppl like to be called pretty? not terribly imaginative though

Handsome

5/10 ngl, forgot this word existed, was kinda the one i was looking for but. normalise using it in reference to women bc it used to be gender neutral or at least more feminine than today. bold but again, not hugely imaginative.

Good-looking

3/10. a mash up of handsome and attractive. too blunt sounding to be complimentary. boring.

Nice-looking

2/10. like the word above but the adjective has been downgraded. booo

Pleasing

1/10. sounds self centred. means nothing to me

Alluring

4/10. certainly different. would be weird to call someone this to their face. but fun for writing probably. i feel like it provides an air of mystery?? but it doesn’t really have a full meaning in my head so eh

Prepossessing

2/10. this means nothing to me quite honestly. 

As pretty as a picture

2/10. idk how to explain this but in my head this phrase screams misogyny so no thank you

Lovely

6/10. it’s gentle and sweet. but kinda boring idk

Charming

7/10. it’s more of a masculine descriptor but I love it used for women too. a nice word for anyone. but doesn’t quite scream beautful, has a different vibe

Delightful

4/10. seems more like how you’d describe a good dessert or something rather than a person, but still somewhat valid?

Appealing

2/10. idk man, just feels icky

Engaging

1/10. in what way would you ever use this in place of beautiful?

Winsome

4/10. points for originality. apparently means ‘innocently beautiful’ and that lowkey feels icky. 

Ravishing

0/10. no.

Gorgeous

3/10. it’s fine. there’s something about it that idk tho. it always sounds patronising idk man

Heavenly

6/10. this one does give me mixed vibes but personally i find it to be a small step up from beautiful. Not to get deep but if heaven is like, where our true happiness may lie or whatever, then someone being heavenly is like them being all of a person’s happiness and future they will ever need

Stunning

5/10. highly complimentary ig. i’d never use it though

Arresting

7/10. this is so random??? but it’s like a ‘my whole world was put on hold and on arrest when i laid eyes on you’ i think. and that’s, pardon the pun, beautiful

Glamorous

5/10. probably great for some ppl but just no for me

Irresistible

5/10. could be either romantic or creepy. context important for the rating of this one.

Bewitching

8/10. has the word witch in it, what’s not to like. magical and i love it. 

Beguiling

5/10. it’s bewitching but with no witch. and a strange pronunciation. but i like the connotations i think

Graceful & Elegant

7/10. putting these two together bc they’re very similar to me. if the character in question is a dancer then what better words are there? highly romanticized i feel.

Exquisite

5/10. i find it kinda weird but it could be good depends on use i suppose.

Aesthetic

4/10. look if we’re describing a mood board then sure, but saying a person specifically is aesthetic is a no. but if it’s like, a nice view of something, then absolutely, go ahead!

Artistic

4/10. i get and also don’t get this one. art can be beautiful. but i dunno if beautiful = artistic ????

Decorative

4/10. ok i definitely gotta remember these synonyms aren’t all about people because obviously a painting can be beautiful. still sounds pretty blunt though. plain. which is actually contradictory to the word lmao

Magnificent

3/10. a great word but not in the place of beautiful. just doesn’t fit

Bonny

2/10. is it really sucky of me to just say ‘outdated’ and move on??

Hot

4/10. look i really hate this personally. maybe its a me-being-ace thing but it feels strange to me. but commonly used and i gotta get over that

Tasty

0/10. what.

Divine

6/10. yes. good! back on track. ‘exquisite’ but better

Knockout

2/10. literally who has used this in place of beautiful i- no! points for amusement 

Drop-dead gorgeous

3/10. i already don’t like gorgeous. this is worse to me

Fanciable

2/10. this one feels mean bc of the suggestion ppl can be ‘unfanciable’ lol idk it’s also boring and uninventive.

Beddable

5/10. i wouldn’t use this. actually i hate this. (as i said, asexual here) but it really cracked me up so i simply have to give it points

Easy on the eye

3/10. this isn’t the compliment ppl think it is to be honest

Fit

2/10. another one i realllly don’t like. boring and more on par with like, ‘sexy’ than ‘beautiful’. which are separate things to me 

Smashing

2/10. that doesn’t mean beautiful pleaseeee

Cute

5/10. it’s fine. common but fine

Foxy

0/10. cringe and i hate it goodbye

Beaut

2/10. i mean that’s just beautiful with a syllable missing. it’s the same thing as the og

Spunky

4/10. this is slang i don’t understand but it sounds fun

Beauteous

2/10. i have only ever heard of this word in the context of ‘beauteous maximus’ and i thus hate it

Comely

3/10. so far away from ‘beautiful’. not even close. do better

Fair

0/10. isn’t this only used for like light skin and/or light hair? the idea that that equals beauty is a big no goodbye

Sightly

1/10. omg it’s ‘easy on the eye’ but worse lol

Pulchritudinous

?????/10. LIKE WHAT IS THAT? what a WORD. DAMN. it’s not even got objectifying connotations or anything it genuinely just means beautiful. WHY. HOW. HOW CAN I EVEN USE THIS IN ANY CONTEXT??? I LOVE AND HATE THIS

and there you have it. beautiful’s synonyms, rated. in conclusion, not many good ones. if you read all this then i’m sorry but at least you probably learnt a new word (pulchritudinous)

[strawberryybird]

So whats your favorite thing about each of your fe3h favs? Anything you could just go on a long rant about for any of them? or interactions between them that you wish had happened or wanted to happen.

Waking up in the morning and going through all of the drunk blogging and “-thank-u-for-weathering-my-deep-need-to-be-liked-and-given-attention-off-main-I-guess” if this isn’t a whole mood on its own I don’t know what is. Anyways it sounds like you had fun and it was definetly fun reading everything. I hope you are feeling okay the day after everything. And to tack on a random question which fe3h character would you want to get drunk with if it was just the two of you?

Hi Hello!! thank u for enjoying my drunk blogging !!! and for the asks!!! (and the lovely comments on my fics actually hi there ur wonderful!!!) i’m currently cursing the damage i’ve done to my sleep schedule and suffering under my (truly deserved) hangover lmao ;p apologies u don’t get drunk me, only uncaffeinated hangover me, but we talk to the same degree and make the same spelling errors lol

ah yes.. im a fountain of moods (all of u still with me here are saints hhhh)

ok content time:

the second one first: i absolutely want to get drunk with ferdinand von aegir. the man’s a hop, skip and a vodka shot away from a mess. i love him. he’d be full of conversation and would buy the rounds every time as a true nobleman should !! he’d probably be really good at instigating drinking games but horrible at playing them.. i love party gay ferdie von aegir.

i’m going to LIMIT the faves i list because truly i love them all very much but i have to at least pretend i have some restraint and i don’t want to make this even More of a wall of text it’s going to become . SO 

edit: ok i started writing this at like. half ten pm. when the fuck did it become monday. 

edit edit: Disclaimer time: these are my conclusions and my conclusions alone. I’m not saying I’m objectively right or correct. I’m very much approaching this from an English Lit-ish point of view because that’s just how I look at a lot of media. I’m not asserting my opinions or conclusions as the only viable to interpret this media, and if anything I say offends you then I am sorry, it was not my intention but I acknowledge that I have hurt you. This is not the exhaustive list of my thoughts on the whole thing, there’s a lot more depth and detail I didn’t go in to.

My favourite thing about Edelgard is the Everything, but notably I really love her proud nature and how in VW it quite directly gets her *spoilered*, and in CF it’s integral to her success (bc it’s her own rigidity within herself that keeps her standing i think) and I Like Tragic Characters (and it’s very elinor dashwood). because it’s one of the qualities that can throw her character into a villainous light & it’s really interesting !! but at the same time.. it’s not quite ‘pride’ purely, and it’s kinda the wrong word. it’s some mixture of determined/stubbon, anger, self-reliance, and that really hard veneer of personality u develop when you’re around people who aren’t healthy for you to be around, and the very very critical need to be right about the choices you made because the weight of the  consequences would kinda ruin you if you weren’t. (the dean winchester effect huh) and wrap that up together with a big scoop of ‘i believe my way is right’ (’and my way Has to be right’) and then u get a lot of what i LOVE about Edelgard’s character

My favourite thing about Dorothea is really how she was the character that Hated the war. genuinely the contrast between white clouds dorothea & timeskip dorothea Breaks My Heart EVery Time I See Her !!!!! that and Spoilers!!! (her last words in AM unrecruited is edelgards name and i literally had to stop and cry about it for five minutes.) she’s one of the characters that post-war doesn’t have a Massive political stake in the war - like there’s her anger towards the current class system (another reason i bloody love her PLEASE give me angry feminine characters) but i think it’s her bonds with edie (or byleth&whoever if recruited) that keep her actually fighting in the war & it’s kinda different and i like that (actually i think she parallels/sends up/contrasts really really nicely with mercedes in that way)

my favourite thing about Marianne is just everything. how she finds worth within herself if you play VW (and the very very harrowing hc that she didn’t if you don’t), how she’s full of a quiet rage for the crest system but you eek it out of her as you play the game. how she’s still loved by the deers despite her appalling mental health (fight me on that canon) and the game essentially has her ‘save’ herself by finding worth and life within herself. i love her so much ok. (i also love her because she committed identity theft.. she and i share a name with the second dashwood sister oho (but i don’t use that name on the internet hhh) (also because my favourite shakespeare play is king lear (no really it is), my birthday is in red wolf moon too, i used to have very long hair i wore in a plait most days for school, little 11 and 17 year old me acted Exactly like white clouds marianne did & genuinely i love marianne von edmund to pieces but God it hurts to see her in game sometimes bc her journey mirrors a lot of mine & i love this character. so much.) WOW that was a lot. am i sure im not still drunk

so claude is not only one of my favourite characters in the whole damn game, but also shares the name of one of my favourite painters so i simply have to love him ;p however i can’t give a proper opinion on him yet because i haven’t finished playing deers yet :( but !! i love how (as is with all the lords) he has a veneer of personality to him, but in contrast to Edie where it’s quite seemless with her actual personality, Claude’s veneer of personality seems very opaque and plastered on. i may or may not just be wildly imagining things but he’s a very different personality in his lower supports with Lysithea than he is in his B support with Marianne, for instance. like, i love characters that are obviously a lot more socially intelligent than i could ever be, and claude is *chef kiss* BEAUTIFUL ON EVERY LEVEL.

i’d wax lyrical about Ingrid too but honestly there’s many better people out there with the good ingrid content than i could do. shortly, i love the New Take on the pegasus knight archetype she brings, and i really like her perspective on femininity !!! she’s such a good character & she brings so much to the game and to the pegasus knight character too!!!!! she’s such a bright personality and altho i wish so many of her supports weren’t centred around make-up (hhh dorogrid fans i pray for you), i think she’s really going to pave the way for whoever’s next in that character slot. (like, you can’t tell me she’s not an offshoot of Phila from awakening lmao)

no ok i’m adding in Hubert because i love this vampire man. i really really love the devoted servant archetype and we all know i love edelgard’s tragedy. and i love hubert. so much. the way he enables edelgard in pretty much everything is just so so interesting to think about, and i love his intensity about it. he’s like the ever present reminder that edelgard’s will kinda has to work otherwise the potential consequences of her being wrong are personified in hubert imo. it’s only touched on in VW in his letter but like. god i wish we got more but it’s a wonderful starting block. i love his comic relief as well, he’s such a fun character to have !!!! and also i have so many hubert fics in my bookmarks that just Get him. i love hubert. oh i love hubert.

i’m going to cut myself off there because . that’s just a LOT. 

as for characters i would sell a limb to have them talk to each other, honestly it’s Edelgard/Marianne. (and only 51% because of all the projection i have going on with those two ok don’t at me i  k n o w). that support chain would be too powerful and honestly i wish they had one becuauese it would have gone so Hard about what Edelgard was doing and what Marianne thought about it, and how they connected over it & they probably would have had their supports set over cups of tea or smth .. it would have been amazing. 

(but i’d rather have nothing than an awakening-level-content support where they talk about eating fucking bear meat instead of talking about how they grew to trust each other with and their ability to save the fate of the world HUH AWAKENING. (i’m salty about fredrobin forever)

also hilda/dorothea supports . we were robbed. they’re best friends and you can’t actually tell me otherwise. they run the disaster bi chat of garreg mach. honestly i just would Love a support chain for them that starts with them talking about self care routines and something really small like accessories or perfume and it goes into how self-esteem and how dorothea has to find the same worth in herself as hilda so easily can. (hilda’s the queen of self esteem she’s a babe) and in CF they could have dialogue and then we cry about it. and in SS they talk about how they both chose their place with Byleth and not at edie/claude’s side like i’m just free balling here it could be Anything and i’d love it. 

also big shocker .. dorothea/marianne supports . they both hate themselves in their profile CAN THEY PLEASE CHAT. 

also i accidentally fell in love with the claude/edelgard ship and i desperately need them to interact on the same level that edie and dimitri get to because.. aren’t there supposed to be three main characters huh intsys .. and like i get what the game goes for with two of the lords embroiled in a personal war against each other at the heart and the third actually finding something close to the truth because he’s not involved in age old grudge matches but at the same time That’s one of the things that really really falls flat for me in the game. dimitri’s villain is edie, edie’s villain is big dragon wife, claude’s villain is the lack of communication that everyone in fodlan suffers from apparently. lack of communication and lies. ymmv with what im saying rn but i would have preferred if all three lords had strong personal ties to each other and in Each Route it was brought up. or just snip dimitri’s dialogue out of CF because i have beef with how that WHOLE moment went down on so many accounts hhhh honestly it makes me angerey to think about lol

.. back on topic- can the lords pls talk to each other because it would be SO interesting in white clouds and i like seeing how their personality presentations clash

also . can i marry manuela yet. my crops are dying here.

.. im so sorry about this but it’s midnight and i’m too tired to edit so. have this. thank you so much for the questions!!!! very kind (and brave) of you to ask me!!!!! i had a lot of fun writing all of this & as always if anything you didn’t quite /get/ i’m happy to re-explain myself!! :)

[k-kuja]

which are hirako's most important relationships and why?

Relationship, singular.

I’m joking, but I’m also not joking because every single relationship he did have, he was prepared to sacrifice without hesitation for one (1) tall glass of sad.

He was profoundly affected when Arima told him, “You’re like me, you have that same emptiness,” I imagine for two main reasons: first of all, it was an admission of weakness on Arima’s part (the unstoppable shinagami is human after all!) and a way of bridging a gap in their personal relationship, allowing them to speak openly and honestly about their individual emotional struggles ( —I mean, that never actually happened, but there was at least a foundation there); on top of that, another human being tells Take that they relate to him. Someone he deeply respects, someone from whom he desperately needs validation, someone who he sees as the opposite to himself - charismatic, skilled, useful, with a strong sense of purpose - sees themselves in him.

And then in addition to that, Arima genuinely trusts him. Like, a lot. He trusted him with his blindside, with his past, with his peers (the Garden kids), with his plan… Arima sort of provides for him posthumously in a sense too, at least in Take’s mind, by offering him an objective and… kind of a surrogate family.

For the record, I’m aware that that’s a little bit of a stretch but (!) I do think it’s an interesting thought when you consider his decision to appoint Akira (who was always coded as cold and distant) as a ‘parent’ to Haise, esp after losing Kureo, Seidou and Amon. She developed more maternal characteristics and formed genuine, positive relationships with him and the Qs; I like the idea that he wanted both Hirako and the Garden kids to experience a similar sense of family, and it’s super sad that that never materialised.

So whatever sense of purpose he eventually finds comes from his relationship with Arima, and the trust Arima places in him. We’re never given any real glimpse into his personal life but, in terms of work, he doesn’t care about promotion (it seems that both he and Arima actively tried to remain paired for as long as possible), he doesn’t care about CCG protocol (he challenges his superior officer, Hachi, twice) and he isn’t particularly interested in killing ghouls either (he suggests imprisoning Irimi rather than killing her and, when Haise says he wants to apologise to Hirako for letting Orochi escape, Arima straight up says, “I don’t think Take cares.”)

There’s a reason why he never wrestles with his decision to defect like, say, Akira does - his loyalty was never to the CCG. It was solely to Kishou.

To be clear though, he’s loyal to a fault and it’s a big part of what negatively affects his contribution to Goat/the Dragon War. 

Aside from Arima, I think the relationship that’s most important to him is with Koori, and forgive my incredible laziness here but I’m gonna direct people to this great meta by @linkspooky because it perfectly explains how the two foil each other in their pursuit of Arima’s legacy. They share a mutual respect for one another and they’re established as equals, but for competing reasons.

His relationship with Kuramoto is really interesting bc Kuramoto kind of inherits two of Take’s biggest weaknesses: (1) he believes he’s only useful as a follower and doesn’t believe he’s capable of assuming a position of leadership (a fear that’s immediately realised when he loses almost his entire squad during his first mission as Sq Leader). Obviously Take does assume leadership of S0, but he constantly defers - even after Arima’s death, he describes himself as “merely an underling”; any 'decision’ he does make is just an earlier command from Arima, and, other than that, he simply responds to Kaneki’s directions rather than co-operating with him to make more practical decisions.

Anyway, Kuramoto’s lack of self-belief is the result of (2) never having received the validation he requires from his superior (sounds familiar wow), to the point where he becomes depressed after Take’s defection and seems to blame himself for some reason (”I thought he believed in me”). In spite of that, Kuramoto remains as steadfastly loyal to Hirako as the latter does to Arima; there’s never a conversation about how hurt or confused Kuramoto was. He makes a few friendly jibes but he happily accepts Take back and re assumes his position as subordinate without any issue.

It’s proof of Hirako’s painful lack of self-awareness, as well as his inability to understand the needs of anyone around him other than Arima, I think. Where Arima consciously distances himself from his subordinates and deliberately withholds praise (or whatever) from others in spite of their need for it, Take is completely oblivious to those needs.

I also think the relationship between Take and Renji is kind of rewarding, even if it is really brief. [Yeah, I know, yawn, Áine likes Homo.]

First of all, it underlines once again that Hirako doesn’t have any deep-rooted hatred for ghouls and, in fact, he’s quite comfortable talking to one as an equal. He’s friendly and complimentary, even. It makes me wonder a lot more about his past and why he enrolled in the Academy in the first place.

Their conversation in the café is… super muddy, and it’s both good and bad in a way that reflects the moral grey that carries through to the end of the manga imo. Hirako listens to Renji as he explains why he’s hurt and angry and struggling to come to terms with this new alliance. Cool. And then responds by basically saying “what’s done is done, your sister’s dead, my boyfriend’s friend’s dead, we just have to forget about it and blindly move forward based on our single commonality”, which is... not really very productive, and absolutely not Good Détente, like that’s… not how conflict resolution works. But it’s something I guess, and an uneasy alliance that they both agree too, which it’s indicative of how the ghoul/non-ghoul conflict is handled (or not handled) right up until the end of the story..

I think there’s a general perception that Take buries his thoughts/feelings and doesn’t speak because he’s repressing them, so I think it’s refreshing and interesting to see him communicate very openly and directly with a total stranger about lacking a sense of purpose in life, desperately seeking validation, honestly admitting to now knowing where to go from here...

As someone who is incredibly open about pretty much everything but uncomfortable putting themselves at the centre of a conversation, and also needs space to actually gather whatever thoughts need to be expressed before being able to actually communicate them to others, it was weirdly relatable to see him suddenly so comfortable and frank. It’s more of a personal reading I guess, I think a lot of people prob read that as a little out of character.

[july-19th-club]

I EVEN HAVE AN OUTLINE 

after the swapping powers, Nate goes west, like in canon, settles in the vegas, things ensue, eventually he figures out how to use his reality warper to greater effect but starts to get paranoid and agoraphobic bc he really is most secure with his immortality

he goes to great trouble and expense to buy it back

but isn’t necessarily enjoying himself, because hey, this is a place where he has no friends and a mind-numbing routine; it kinda sucks, actually

meanwhile everything in the original show proceeds apace, the gang growing slowly, painfully, apart, towards what seem to be their own separate dooms

we wholesale ignore Zombie Noir day

I fuckin hate it. It’s so predictable. He’s a hero, the one member of the squad who consistently thinks of others before himself and has the brains and the powers to pull of big beautiful saves, but he still dies first and i don’t cotton to that shit, not one little bit

we can keep nonbinary Curt; I like that a lot

let me be clear, this isn’t a lingering side effect of having a related power; it’s just something that didn’t really get brought up until the power happened. now he doesn't have the power, but he does have this self-knowledge & starts acting on it 

none of the gang are queer in canon, so it injects the beginning of some much-needed rep, and also, it’s the thing that forces the rest of the gang (individually and together) to re-evaluate some of the shit they’ve said and done

nate in particular is guilty and deserves to be

but he’s growing up, in a way, and can be respectful without being rude first now

meanwhile, Si and Alisha fall for each other and wind up in the loop, like in canon, but the stress of knowing they’re in a Doom Loop is too much for their actual relationship, and they fight and drift and fall apart

she starts spending more time with Curt again, but their dynamic is very different and much healthier now

they can touch each other, but they take things slow, and she gets to teach her old friend Girly Things (something that just fuckin DELIGHTS her, tbh)

meanwhile Kels is off doing philanthropy, and shit, and hasn’t really bothered to contact the gang since she went off to be a do-gooder, which is the only flaw to her heel-face turn from Rude But Loving Trailer Trash to Brilliant But Rude Humanitarian

also in terms of Marnie, she’s just a roommate who shares the centre with Nate when she needs a place to stay, not a girlfriend

idk i just resent the idea that he can only be a good partner/friend when directly involved with a person, like. Let him learn how to be soft and careful without any personal stake

this is the state of things when Si comes to Nate to inform him of what’s been going down in his absence (i.e.  that he’s probs gonna die soon of Being Fated To Die/Time Travel); the scattered gang don’t really pay attention to what’s happening back in the old community service circle, since they’re not doing theirs anymore

screw the new crew, they’re not in this story, this is a story about an old set of friends who were once defiant in every possible way pulling themselves and each other out of their twentysomething depression and despair and supporting each other while trying to save one of their number from a fate he doesn’t deserve

this is about them being so beautiful, okay

that’s what it’s SUPPOSED to be about

spoiler (they do save him)

spoiler (remember the time you thought you were in love with me? becomes a plot point as the gang gets gayer. i won't be having this light homophobia, no sir, we’re gonna turn this shit around. let’s get us some SOFT QUEER TROUBLEMAKERS)

kels: soft butch/ alisha: high femme = good good concepts

si: functional bi/ nate: disaster bi = equally good shit

curt: distinguished nonbinary = i would sell my very soul

anyway that’s it & imo it’s very cathartic 

[punkascas]

i want to reblog and add to this post, but i cant bc the formatting gets funky. so separate post! little bit of endverse meta i guess. 

from the post:

why in 5x04 did past!Dean say to future!Dean "You mean you're gonna feed your friends into a meat grinder? Cas too?" Three episodes earlier Dean told Zachariah "I learned that from my friend Cas" so at this point he already considered Cas to be his friend. So why was he not grouped with the others when past!Dean said that? Why did past!Dean choose to separate those two for future!Dean? Is it because he knew that to future!Dean there was a difference between sacrificing his friends and sacrificing Cas? Did past!Dean pick up on the significance of their relationship during the days he spent in that timeline? Did he want future!Dean to know that he knew? Could he just read himself well enough to know that Cas was more than a friend to future!Dean? Did past!Dean already know that his feelings for his Cas were different than his feelings for his friends and knew that future!Dean felt the same?

this is how ive always read that line--that even by that point past!dean viewed cas as different from straight up FRIEND. and then observing how his future self and cas operated and relied on each other, and how cas basically served as 2IC for dean at the camp.

(which imo is HUGE ok. like endverse!dean explicitly tells past!dean that he doesn't trust him, i.e. that he doesn't trust himself, but he does trust CAS: he wants cas's feedback on his plans; he wants cas to help lead the plan. and i cant remember the question past!dean asks but in response chuck sends him to cas. bc like OBVIOUSLY that is where future!dean apparently hangs out a lot. cas is the person future!dean goes to with questions. it’s not weird or surprising at all to chuck that dean would be looking for cas.)

WHAT I AM SAYING IS, there is a deep amount of trust between endverse!dean and cas, and (at the very least) a deep deep bond of brothers-in-arms, i-have-your-back-and-you-have-mine, that goes above and beyond any other relationship dean has with anyone, past or present (present being endverse in 2014). sam is the only possible exception to this (and past!dean at that moment doesn't feel like he has that with sam, and endverse!dean obviously has not had sam around to serve that function for a while) but sam is also dean’s brother, family, the person dean has built in as the centre of his universe. having someone else who can even come close to matching that role is hella serious and important and even maybe shocking. 

all of which past!dean witnesses and understands. and can see how their relationship differs from his current relationship with cas. it's this window into a view of POTENTIAL of what cas could be to dean and for dean. and i think that resonates strongly (and maybe even a little uncomfortably) with past!dean because he can relate. the ground work to that relationship has already been laid down. cas is already a person he's coming to rely on to help him and sam and bobby out when they need it. and with sam currently out of the picture in that episode and the one before it, cas (and not bobby) is the person dean goes to and calls and spends time with. 

so i think past!dean absolutely knew that sacrificing cas was on a whole 'nother level and whole different emotional ballgame for him/his future self than sacrificing anyone else in the camp. sacrificing cas would be more akin to sacrificing sam and we all know how much NO NEVER that hits in dean. 

(and of course i headcanon that cas was in on this plan. that the plan actually was that they were both going to die, dean in a final face-off with lucifer (and sam) and cas in a supporting role letting dean pick the hill they were going to die on. because the alternative that cas walked into that situation blind just does not make sense to me. for starters, cas is weirdly chill about cooperating what he knows (and points out to be) a bad plan. an unworkable plan. cas also knows they’re using a gun that is repudiated to kill demons but not angels. only an angel blade can kill an angel. why, if the intention really was to try to take lucifer out, would they not at least bring an angel blade for back-up? if cas even believes that lucifer can truly be killed. (like, dude, this is ENDVERSE!CAS, the happy hysterical nihilist. cas has always been a pragmatic realistic, for good or for ill, and i can’t see anyone thinking that somehow endverse!cas got any more optimistic or idealistic during the five years of fighting the apocalypse.) i just cannot believe cas would legit buy that they could actually kill lucifer with the colt.

also there’s the cut scene in the script where cas tells past!dean that when dean says it’s time to go, i.e. when dean decides that they’re done living in and fighting this unwinnable war, cas is going to follow him. because that’s just how he rolls. which to me points to the original intention being that cas and dean had this joint suicide pact for a while and set up this plan to enact that out, and past!dean just isn’t privy to that information.)