#be like trying to get a big ass dog in the tub....

[mudskip-muses]

Time for bathy-wathies, Kazuichi! You a stinky boy, get in here.

"What?! No, fuck you!! I don't need a bath!!" Oh he's getting ready to run- "And don't talk to me like I'm a fucking dog!! Fuck off!!!"

[kaeyx]

beastzai is nice with you! buying you anything you want to gain your trust. oh, but you're not cooperating n being a brat, spitting on his face and stepping on everything he gets for you? oops, now he's a big meanie who manhandles you, to the point it leaves bruises :( he won't let you out of his house even if you beg :( he'll throw the pretty clothes he bought for you and you'll only use his shirts and nothing else from now on :(

he's definitely be the type to suddenly grab the back of your neck when you're distracted and push your back against his chest so you can feel his hardness against your ass. yes, you're going to take care of it like it or not.

(sorry if I made a mistake while writing, I'm sleepy)

Yesyesyesyesyes!! Beastzai doesn't want to be mean to you, you're just forcing his hand. If only you cooperated, if you realise you belong to him and let him love you like you deserve, none of this would have happened. He treats you so nice, keeping your restraints from digging into your skin, buying you gorgeous clothes and bringing you food, learning all your preferences, making sure you have things that keep you entertained.

But you don't want any of it, you don't appreciate all the work he's putting into being nice to you while he domesticates you. Beastzai is being so patient in housebreaking you and yet you're not making any progress, screaming at him and trying to run away. Now all of those nice things you had are privileges that you have to earn back by behaving.

Instead of nice, padded restraints you get cold shackles that dig into your skin. You no longer have a large, comfortable bed to share with him or a warm room. You have to sleep on the floor. There's no more nice clothes that he changes you into every morning, now you're only allowed his shirts and nothing else, leaving you on display at all times. All that nice, warm food is replaced with shitty microwave meals gone cold and hunks of dry bread, and Beastzai might even be mean enough to consider buying actual dog food if you're really bad. He no longer handles you carefully, washing your hair gently and kissing your shoulders. Now he pulls you around and throws you to the floor when he's done, leaving you bruised, hosing you down with cold water whenever he does bathe you.

And through all of that Beastzai makes sure to remind you that you can make it all stop, if only you cooperate. You can have a warm bed to sleep in at any point, you just have to sleep at the foot of his bed. If you sit by his feet at mealtimes he'll give you bites of his food, still warm and delicious. You can earn back your looser restraints if you stop pulling against the ones you have and trying to hit him. You can have all the warm baths you could ever want if you ask politely to be in the tub with him, and he'll even be nice enough to scrub you and wash your back. You can read books and watch TV again if you sit in his lap and let him cup your pussy with his free hand. It's all up to you!

[outerbankspov]

Hiii can you write some things about drew x reader, where they go to their honeymoon (in a place hot and chill). They talk about the future and having kids (they try), and when they come back home surprise family and friends with this news!!🫶🏻🥹

(That can be smut but sweet and soft🤭)

I’m obsessed with this 🥹 (my love I’m sorry for how late I’m responding. I’m writing now!)

-warning- smut/ fluff overload. Maybe a few misspelling.

He woke you up when the plane landed. Kissing your head and whispering that we’ve already. You slowly open your eyes and smiles. “Ready?” He ask, as excited as a kid on Christmas. You nod and he grabs your hand. The ride was quiet to the home you was staying. Drew kissing your forehead every minute he gets as you snooze again. So exhausted from all the traveling.

-

“Drew! This is so beautiful” You beam as you let go of his hands and explore the beautiful home. “I knew you would like it” He smiles and scoops you up from behind making you gasp. “I love this Drew, thank you” kissing his lips. “There is a hot tub” he whispers lowly in your ear. “And I packed your most sexy bathing suit even tho you look sexy in all” You grin at him and you both run to the room and change. You get in first and wait for Drew to walk in looking like a fucking goddess. "Hi Mrs Cameron” after a couple of drinks you both decided to take a bath and relax with champagne.

“How about- one girl and one boy” he says while you lay against his back, hands tangled into one another. You hum and look up at him. “Why so she can be daddy’s girl” you say and he grins. “Hell yes. The boy would look like me but be a mommy’s boy and the girl she would adore me!” You smile and moved your whole body around. Sitting between his parted legs and place your knees to your chest and admire your husband. “You’re serious?” You ask in awe of this whole conversation. His eyes meet yours and nods. “Dead. How about you?” You let out a happy sigh and nod. “Always, I think about us moving to a quiet place and having those two amazing kids! We work but make it function able, we will get a dog for the kids and maybe think about having another after a few years” he smiles and you can’t even take it your heart is on fire. You lay in his lap and kisses him all over the face. “How about we make our future come true” you say slowly as you dip your hand underneath the water and grasp his dick.

“Oh y/n” Drew moans as his head falls back. Stomach clenching. “Want me to put a baby in you?” You moan at the way he said it, it dripped with lust and adoration. “Please Drew! Want the family. The house, the dog. You.” You say breathlessly as you grind on his hard cock. He grabs your hips and carefully pulls you down onto his dick, you moan out loud and kiss him as you you move up down. He was being so gentle with you, his big hands holding onto your ass cheeks as he pulls you and helps you role your hips. It made you sob in his neck as you wrap your arms around his neck and tries to move impossibly closer to him. He chuckles and kisses your hair. “I got you hon!” He whispers and you nod with a smile at how gentle he was and how it felt SO GOOD. “You have no idea how lucky I am.” He grunts as he continues to help you move. “Drew- I’m-” you clench around him and he moans. “Close?” He grits through his teeth. “Yes Drew. So so close. Please put a baby in me” you beg. He nods and holds your hips as he moves above you: “shit shit shit” you cry out as you moan out his name. He cums with you and empties himself into you. You slum down some and he holds you. “I really hope I get pregnant” you say with soft eyes on him. He rubs your back and kisses your lips. “And I hope I got you pregnant” he smiles.

After drying off you both laid in bed. You both are here for the next week and are so excited! “So a girl and boy huh?” You break the silence. He looks down at you and smiles. “Yeah. Minnie you and me running around the house. Waking up up in the mor-” “oh jeez” you interrupted him and hide your face in his bicep. “Go on” your voice muffled as you smile. “Making them lunch every morning. Having lunch dates.” He kisses your cheeks. “I really would love that” you both stay in silence and fall asleep with a full heart. A week past and you run out of the bathroom with joy. “DREW!” You shout, cheeks hurting at this point. “Baby? What’s up?” You walk into the bedroom and climes onto his lap. “I have a surprise” you bite your lip and he raises his brow. You slowly pass him a close tissue and he opens it and doesn’t Speak for 30 seconds. He looks at you and his eyes gets wide. “We- we’re pregnant?” His voice is so gentle you wanna to melt into a puddle. “Yes! Yes” you shout and he pulls you into a big hug. “My girl. My girl” he kisses your lips multiple times and you giggle. “I love you so much” he mumbles on your lips. “And I love you”.

Driving into the driveway at your mothers house where you and Drew family and friends gather you look at him and grabs his hand. “You ready” you ask. He kisses your hands. “Never been more ready in my whole life.” You both Leave the car and enter the house. “Finally the married couple” Brooke smiles and pulls me into a hug. “Everyone is waiting in the living room. Since IM your favorite sister in law…. Can you tell me first” she bites her lip in excitement. You look up at Drew and he nods. “I’m pregnant” you close your eyes in excitement. “No freaking way!” She softly says and gives me and Drew a hug. “God bless you both” she smiles. We walk into the living room and greets everyone. “Okay guys! We have some news” Drew announces and holds my hand. He looks down and at me and nods. “We’re pregnant” you and Drew say it at the same time and everyone starts smiling wildly. “What??” Both Drew and your parents walk up to you both. “Congratulations. You both are gonna make amazing parents I just know it” his mom says. “Thank you so much.” After talking and smiling.. and crying in happiness it all settles down and drew kisses your lips. “Me and you forever ”.

[milesmillergf]

you weren’t mad when you got the call from the station. hell, you weren’t even disappointed. you were just worried—and the fact that no one from the ranch up the way bothered to answer their phones the last six hours didn’t exactly help to ease those worries.

you knew they were definitely asleep by now. royal and cecilia locked the doors at midnight when they went to bed whether everyone was in or not. a real nightmarish ‘sorry we missed you!’ when you considered the fact that perry’s room was accessible from the outside while rhett’s was not, which meant he was resigned to his truck and everything in it until someone unlocked the doors in the morning.

you asked him once why perry didn’t just unlock the door for him after sneaking in and then re-lock it after. the way rhett quickly changed the subject made you want to slash perry’s tires.

but they had to wonder, didn’t they? you knew families were all different, blah blah blah, but they had to wonder even for one fucking second where the hell their boy was. never mind that he was in his twenties, he was still their son!

you didn’t dare wonder yourself if they cared lest your mind do a blood-boiling impression of royal abbott ranting about fences that need fixing, and cattle that need feeding and herding ahead of schedule, and lazy, mopey brothers that needed their asses kissed.

luckily, the nights that rhett stayed out ‘til all-hours with said brother were becoming fewer and farther between with him ending up snug as a bug at yours by the time his work day was finished between the finicky hours of six in the evening and ‘until it’s done’.

so when your landline makes you just about jump out of your skin at half-past two, you’re tugging on one of his flannel shackets and a pair of leggings, and lead-footing his truck over to the sheriff’s office.

every lawman in this town and the one over seemed to have it out for the youngest abbott so depending on whose shift it was, he could’ve been brought in for lipping the wrong brand of chewing tobacco. you just hoped he hadn’t gotten into it with the eldest tillerson again.

when you’re finally able to see him, he’s free of blood and bruises and you breath a sigh of relief. he’s just sitting there on that little bench inside that glorified dog cage looking sweet as pie and steadily sobering as he waits for you to haphazardly scribble on that relic of a clipboard so he can do the same, retrieve his hat and get the hell out of there.

no one bothers to tell you exactly what offense they hauled him in on; they just grumble about him ‘unleashing a gallon of piss on their patrol car’ and boy howdy do you nearly have to bite a hole in your tongue to keep from laughing. 

you knew all those men were spitting mad that you answered the phone and not dear ol’ dad when you wrap a loving arm around his waist and coo a soft-voiced, “hi baby. you doin’ okay?” as you lead him out of the station. 

“you’re really not mad?” he checks again when you finally get him home and into a hot bath, but at least he’s stopped apologizing.

you kiss his wet shoulder and assure him that you’re not mad, “promise. i was just worried sick.” you gently bite him then. “maybe try to find a bush next time, cowboy—”

he huffs a little laugh through his nose, wet fingertips trace a loopy path along your forearm. “wasn’t at the pit-bar ‘r i would have.” then his voice gets kinda small like he’s embarrassed, “i di’n’t mean to. th’ line f’r the bathroom was a mess, n’ perry’s drunk ass wouldn’t give me his keys,” he shrugged absently. “by th’ time i got outside everythin’ was spinnin’…”

you squeeze him tighter to your chest and check again that he’s okay now. it’s his turn to assure you for the umpteenth time, and giggle breathless and wild when you kiss all over the back of his neck and the sensitive skin behind his ear.

he helps you out of the tub after lovingly fighting you off and brings you into his big fluffy towel. “hey,” he nearly purrs against your lips. “d’ we have anymore of that chocolate hazelnut spread you made the other day?”

his use of ‘we’ still makes your heart leap, and you tell him that “we” do indeed.

you manage to wrangle him into some sweatpants at the very least. he claims the cottage runs hot, but you think he’s just used to the wyoming cold in a big, poorly insulated ranch house.

downstairs you smear the homemade spread on a slice of lightly toasted bread baked fresh this morning and sit on his lap to feed him with an arm around his shoulders. his own arms loop loose and comforting around your waist, warm palms sliding along your body every so often, and he mumbles something about you being too good to him.

you tell him to shush with a kiss to his damp head and teasingly steal the last bite of his snack. those big blue eyes shimmer in the clear lights of your kitchen when he smiles up at you.

“thanks for savin’ me.” he whispers.

you can’t help thinking he’s not just talking about tonight.

[b--b-3]

Sooo I've decided to finally cross-post my Obey Me crack-fic from ao3, I hope you enjoy!✨️

°•°•°•°•°

Cheek Clappin' Behavior

Ch.1

summary: Mc gets bamboozled by the game we all know and love 😭. They also happen to get yeeted right into it at full throttle, oops. How, you ask?? Who knows-

warnings: swearin/strong language, a quick innuendo, Mc just bein straight up wild tbh

misc: this fic doesn't accurately follow the story, literally just random shits 'n giggles for now lmao [pls it's so unserious ajfjshsjs] + the memes you see edited were done by me in my absolute mess of a gallery 💀

word count: almost 1k

It was just an ordinary day for Mc… Well, that is if you could call simping for fictional characters from a story-based gacha game ordinary. Okay, maybe they're a liiiiiiittle bonkers in the head, but we still love 'em 😋.

[Mc's POV]

'You've gotta be clappin' my cheeks unequivocally rn.'

"How tf am I gonna pull up AND get bumblefucked by this yee yee ass game 🤨🤨🤨??" Okay, so maaaaybe I got raw-dogged by a fictional world, but I can fix this for sure‼️

.

.

.

Oh.

I didn't fix this. Far from it, in fact. Yet another 10 pull, wasted… 😟

Welp, whatever‼️‼️ Back to the story then hehEHEHEHE— HOLY FUCKIN' MOTHER OF GO— MAMMON YOU ABSOLUTE BABYGWORL TF YOU DOIN' LOOKIN' LIKE THAT?? 🤭🤭🤭

Even tho he plays hard to get, he ain't a match for MY sluttish behavior 🤪—

THIS? FUCKING?? $ Ł Ü ✝️? ? ? "The absolute fuckin' audacity I swear— AND this mf blushin' too? Consider tears runnin' down my leg fr fr for real fr‼️" YOU SEE THAT TUB OVER THERE MAMS?? YEAH HOP IN THAT BITCH CUZ I'M BOUTTA 😩😩—

Ahem.

Caught myself lackin' for a sec there sorry bout that y'all 💀—

I then end up playing this damn game for a psychologically questionable amount of time. Such a long time, in fact, my raggedy ass fell asleep with the game open. O p e n. I didn't even get to charge my shit— hot damn 😬.

.

.

.

Next thing I know, I'm exposing my eye sockets to a ridiculous amount of light.

✨️OWIE✨️—

Oh.

'Now why in the ass-eatin' fuck does this place look familiar?? This ain't my house OR my room🗿. Tf is goin' on in here on this ass-chappin' day 🤨🤨??'

Like, the more I look around, the more shit's appearance becomes clear to me [no d U h Mc?? C'mon get it together 😭].

'Tho it does look a bit [a fuck ton tf you mean?? 💀] like my room in Obey Me…🤔'

.

.

.

"Did my bitch-ass get isekai'd into the world of Big Boobie Bitches— I mean Obey Me??????⁉️🗣📢🔥"

.

.

.

' …You've gotta be tuggin' my schlong rn this shit is a different breed. No, literally. Does that mean I'm a whole ass sheep now⁉️ This ain't gonna work. I swear on my left kneeca—'

All of a sudden, someone's headass bursts into the room. I was about to chew them tf out like a baddie, but then I SEE 🕕🫦🕕—

'CERTIFIED BABYGWORL??? AJDJSJEEJ OMGOMGOMG IT'S HIIIIIIIM IT'S MAAAAAMMMMS OH MY—🥺🎊✨️🫧💖‼️🥰💛'

"Yo, human! Ya were s'pposed to hang out with me today! What's goin' on?"

I—

'Ugh. What a cutie 🥰. Look at him, lookin' at me like that 'n shit 😭💖.'

I stare right back at the white-haired babygworl— I mean demon, trying a lil TOO hard to fight the inner voices that are telling me to jump him unprovoked.

"Well, tbh tbh honestly tbh, I haven't the slightest fuckin' clue Monie.. Buuuuuuut you can still take me out if you want tho 👀." I give him a lil look. Yano, a look. A little lookie look. A look that looks like a lil look because it looks—

"Whatever, let's just go. You've been makin' The Great Mammon wait long enough." He then drags me outta the room as if I'm his bitch.

'OW MY PUSS- now hold on for just a diddly ding dang darn second ☝️🤓— here I thought it was supposed to be the other way around 🤨🤔❓️ ❓️ ❓️'

Welp I'll just have to worry about it another time ig 🤷.

Anyways, now we were makin' our way [downtown] through the Big Ass House of Lamentation, BAHoL for short, trying to get to wherever tf Mammon has plans for. Well, that is until we run into a certain someone.

.

.

.

'GAAASSSPP IT'S HIIIIIM‼️ LEVIATHAN THE SWEET BOOOOOOYYYYY OHFUCKOHFUUUCK 🥰💖🫧🧡✨️‼️'

"Yooo, Levi! Funny seein' ya outside ya room for once." Both Mammon and I then proceed to start gigglin' like two lil bitches lmao.

Until this mf turns around 🗿.

…My face just about shriveled up inside itself.

'DID BABYGWORL #3 GET EVEN QUIRKIER 😳😳😳⁉️'

"Levi.. you good?? You're looking a bit differently different there bud 😭😭."

'I swear to shit there are literal SPARKLES just shootin' me in the eyes rn.'

"Idk what you're talking abt lol." He blinks and just shrugs at me like absolutely NOTHING is wrong like wtf my g—

"Tbh tbh honestly tbh Levi you're looking MAD ✨️bbg✨️ rn and idk how to cope with that so I think it's best you induce an anime withdrawal for just a singular sliver of a second the sake of my sanity 🗣🗣."

It takes him a couple seconds for the matter inside his cranium to process whatever tf just came out my mouth.

"B-Bbg!? WOOOAAAHHHH❗️🗣🗣🗣📢💥.. I-I can't believe you're calling a no-good otaku shut-in like me that!" He takes a moment to cover his now blushing face sextillion times more than his hair already does with his hand.

'Omg what a lil cutie I swear— got me swooning 'n shit <3.'

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever! We've gotta get goin' now. See ya later, Levi!" Mammon cuts off the ENTIRE interaction quicker than it even started before dragging me away like a fucking rag doll.

'L?? M?? A?? O?? Tf is all this motion for 🫨🥴?'

What the plans are?? I still haven't the slightest of darn clues, buT I GUESS WE'LL FIND OUT 🗣.

.

.

.

I kid you tf not we literally only managed to reach the main entrance before getting jumpscared by none other than Lucifer himself—

'EYE- SWEET MOTHER OF DIAVOLO'S (. )( .)‼️—'

[✨️To Be Continued✨️]

[klirk-hammurton]

New follower here! I love your Metallica imagines! 🥹

If you are still taking requests, can you write for how the members of Metallica would help if you were sick/injured and how they may go about cheering you up/making you feel better?

I need this in my life right now. 🤒

I most certainly can my dear! I hope you get to feeling better! Hopefully this brings a smile to your face. Thank you for the love and support as well ❤

James Hetfield 

He's attentive to your every need.  Brings you fuzzy blankets, fluffy pillows, hot coffee/tea

He's going to cuddle the fuck out of you. Don't try pushing him off either. He's 6'2" of pure adorable dorkiness and is determined to have you feeling better

"Who hurt you? They'll pay dearly for this"......."James, sweetie….you can't punch a cold in the face…"

Movie marathon. He doesn't care how much he dislikes a movie, if it's your absolute favorite comfort film, he's snuggling up with you and watching it

He's not going to let you do anything. You just worry about getting better. 

He's gonna do his best to make you some soup. Homemade soup can kick any cold in the ass.

Probably makes a trip to the store and overstocks on everything. You send him for one thing and he comes back with $60 worth of stuff from CVS and a receipt long enough to cover a football field.

If you're too sick to bathe, he'll handle that for you. It's little small things like this he loves to do. He'll help you wash your hair, sit back and relax. 

He'll put all of his plans on hold for you. He hates the idea of himself having fun when you can't. You're his first priority 

It might be cheesy, but he'll lay with you and hum soft and soothing lullabies to help you relax. He's a giant teddy bear

Cliff Burton

He's going to do everything he can think of to get you better.

Blanket forts and tons of pillows. Look, he's a big kid and laughter speeds healing.

Don't be surprised when he brings you tons of stuffies after also soup shopping. It's the thought that counts, right

Would probably Google some home remedies for you. "This should work. It's an old timey family remedy." 

Don't worry about the smoke alarms going off. He has everything under control. Kirk is probably shaking his head in the background mouthing 'he doesn't have it under control…'

He's a try hard. He's going to put in so much effort into the simplest of things. 

"Are you comfortable? Do you need more blankets? I have more." You're already buried in blankets and just don't have the heart to tell him no. He's trying 

Poking the canned soup with a spoon. "This definitely doesn't look right…." ……"You're supposed to add milk or water to it first."

He'll help you brush out your hair and shower you in kisses

Lay's next to you and runs his fingers through your hair until you fall asleep. He won't sleep until you do

Kirk Hammett 

He's going to absolutely baby you. Catering to you hand and foot.

Don't be surprised if he tries to get you to come meditate with him. Sometimes natural medicine is all you need

He's an excellent cook, so of course he's gonna go all out in taking care of you. 

Breakfast, lunch and dinner in bed. He's so proud of himself and all of these extravagant dishes he's bringing to you. 

Is going to snuggle you and look at you like a lost and sick puppy. Not the puppy dog eyes….yes, the puppy dog eyes.

Body massages to help ease any tension. Certain massages help in boosting the immune system

"I know you said chicken noodle, so I bought that, cream of chicken, chicken vegetable….is that too much?" He's an overachiever. 

He'll let you lay on top of him on the couch and cuddle. Head scratches and back rubs and forehead kisses.

Runs you a hot bubble bath with Epsom salts. He'll sit next to you on the edge of the tub and stroke your hair

Would probably get sick too because he can't stand the idea of quarantine. 

Lars Ulrich 

Probably sanitizes everything to make sure you don't get sick again. Can't take no chances.

He's known to be a pretty good cook, especially with soups. You're in good hands with him.

Asks you taste test everything he's making. Pouts a little when you say no but then remembers you're sick and you don't eat him getting it too. Don't mind his pouty face, he'll recover from it

Brings you tons of things you'll need. Hand sanitizer, tissues, spare garbage can for the trash, cough drops, you name it. "So I might have gone a little overboard…."

If you're a bookworm, he'll buy tons of books and snuggle up with you to read them. It melts his heart when you fall asleep on him.

Don't be annoyed if asks you a million times a day on how you're feeling, if you need anything, 

Probably brings board games as a way to help waste time and help keep your mind occupied. He only has to grow old, not grow up.

Brings you a giant stuffed animal with get well balloons. Don't judge him, he's trying. It's comical because the bear is almost as big as him.

Does small things around the house so you don't have to worry about them. He just wants you to focus on getting better

Snuggles up with you to watch your favorite TV show or comfort movie.

Jason Newsted

Goes all out in the 'I'm gonna take care of you' department. Don't get mad if he goes overboard 

Brings little small care packages to help cheer you up. Little baskets with your favorite teas/coffees, sweets, probably some candles and bath products 

He's very attentive to you and pays attention to even the smallest of things. Sure he's known to be the tough guy, but around you he's like a harmless puppy

Brings you lots and lots of pillows and fuzzy blankets. So many pillows. You can never be too comfy at this point 

He'll surprise you with your favorite flowers to help liven up your mood. He just wants you happy and healthy

Movie baskets equipped with the first movie you watched together, snacks, some cold meds for you, a cheesy love note or two 

Even if you're sick as a dog, he's still gonna give you compliments on how pretty you are. Don't tell him you aren't, he WILL argue otherwise

 Does little small chores around the house. He doesn't want you doing anything that you're not supposed to 

Makes you a mixed tape of some of his favorite songs and artists that he'd listen to when he's feeling down

Lots and lots of audio books to listen to together 

Robert Trujillo 

Surprises you with several care baskets. One for when you're sick, another of your favorite bath products, and a third for staying in together and enjoying each other's company 

Leaves you handwritten love notes for when you wake up. You'll find them everywhere. 

He'll help you with your hair, brushing and braiding it for you.

He's going to snuggle and cuddle the fuck out of you. He's a total snuggle bug.

Brings matching snuggy blankets to cuddle up with and watch shows and movies with you

Gentle body massages to help you relax and unwind, peppering you in little kisses all over 

On a day when you're feeling a little better, he'll serenade you. He's a hopeless romantic no matter the situation 

He's a big kid, so when you're up to it he's breaking out the board games with you. He'll let you win a few times too

Home cooked meals. Being Hispanic and Native, he has a lot of recipes for remedies to help get you feeling better

Lots of nice hot bubble baths. He'll stay right by your side, stroking your hair and keeping you company 

[minefield-of-a-ninja]

Summary: A hot tip turns into a hot night.

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V

Characters: Soldier Boy x unnamed female character/female reader (1st person POV) x William Butcher

Tags/warnings: still explicit, showering, Dom/sub, sensation play (cold), hand around the throat but not quite breath play, Butcher checking in (bc we all know Soldier Boy won’t), drug use

Author’s note: Idk where Hughie is, this is fic.

"No dogs in the Impala, and never take a joint from a guy named Don."

Thank you @brrose-apothecary. Love you, sis.

Gonzo journalism is an energetic first-person participatory writing style of journalism that is written without claims of objectivity, often including the reporter as part of the story using the first-person narrative, and it draws its power from a combination of social critique and self-satire. The word gonzo is believed to have been first used in 1970 to describe an article about the Kentucky Derby by Hunter S. Thompson, who popularized the style.

The shower head releases barely more than a trickle of lukewarm water at best, but I’ve got America’s first superhero to lather me up with his big, warm hands and Vought Enemy #1 getting me dinner.

I melt into the soldier as he cocoons me in gardenia bubbles. He squeezes my shoulders and digs his thumbs into the tight muscles between my scapulae, slips around my neck and clavicle, teases my breasts, and dips down between my legs.

“Damn near forty fucking years without this,” he murmurs, firmly cupping my cunt in one hand before focusing on my ass cheeks and between. When he’s done, he pulls the handheld shower head from its perch and begins rinsing me off. “Spread your legs.”

I obey, and he tilts my chin up and to the side to deliver a searing kiss as he aims the quickly cooling stream of water against my clit. My legs shake as another fucking orgasm begins to build. Extreme sensations turn me on, even if my logical brain tells me it’s severe/bad/dangerous.

There’s no way I’d be upright if he wasn’t holding me by my throat. As the water turns to ice, I squirm and buck back into his thighs, as my brain attempts to rescue my body.

“Aww,” he quietly mocks me as I writhe in defiance, dangling from his grip. But he easily holds me the way he wants me, partially cutting off my air supply and waterboarding my clit. “Don’t like the cold, princess?”

I huff a gasp and convulse, trying to close my legs to block the torturous device. He shoves a knee between my legs from behind and lifts to plant his foot on the side of the tub, opening me wider. “Come on,” he whispers. “Come.”

“Fuck,” I sob and violently shake from the spectacular pinpoint of pain.

And then I do as he says.

When we walk out of the bathroom, both wrapped in towels, Butcher’s just returning from errands.

“Supplies,” he asserts, as he kicks his unlaced boots off and makes his way to the table. “Nosh’s on its way.”

“You couldn’t get nosh when you were out?” Soldier Boy gripes, commandeering the bag.

“Weed dispensaries and Dan on the corner ain’t exactly handin’ out dinner, mate.” Butcher shrugs out of his jacket, leaving himself barefoot in black chinos and a fresh, white beater.

I pause from digging through my bag for something comfortable to wear and stare at Butcher, smoothing a hand over my wet hair before readjusting my towel. “Dan on the corner?”

Butcher crosses the room, his expression neutral and cups my elbow. “Our friend ‘ere’s more fond of Rocket Fuel than I reckoned.”

Soldier Boy’s sitting at the table grinding up a pile of white pills with the butt of his knife. I drag my eyes back to Butcher and start to pull away, but he won’t let me. His eyes soften around the edges only enough for me to notice. Then his eyebrows raise and his chin drops.

My gaze darts back to the superhero before settling back on Butcher. Then I take a deep breath and close my eyes for 4-3-2-1. When I open them, Butcher’s still holding my elbow and looking down at me expectantly.

Those eyes of his, you’d probably say they’re black, or dark brown at least, but they’re hazel-green ringed with amber. They hold layer upon layer of violence, trauma, and rage, but they do give on occasion.

“Okay,” I assure him with a tight smile.

We hold each other’s gaze for a few beats before Soldier Boy interrupts.

“If you think you’re getting dressed, you’re wrong.” He doesn’t look up as he continues to chop and line the pills with the sharp blade. “When I’m done here, you’re next.”

Not to keep bringing up my mother, but she would be absolutely appalled by every single decision I’ve made in the last 24 hours, including packing only three pairs of underwear, and up to this very moment when I decide to not press Butcher or question this super-powered asshole for assuming that I will remain naked and at his disposal indefinitely.

Butcher feigns nonchalance as he releases his grip. “Gotta keep our boy happy.”

Because indulging the radioactive, traumatized super soldier’s many vices is what we agreed to do.

It may not be the best idea, but it was Butcher’s idea and Butcher is usually full of... well, terrible ideas, honestly, but he gets the job done. I’m just here to ensure the American people get the story.

“I need a drink,” I sigh, heading to the mini-fridge for some electrolytes. I can’t afford to lose steam, not now. There’s no way the super soldier’s version of “taking it easy” on me is anywhere near the same neighborhood as mine, especially pumped full of amphetamines and weed, so I drink up and pray for food.

There’s a knock on the door and Butcher strides over to answer it. “Wine and dine,” he announces.

“Damn near anything you want gets delivered right to your fucking door these days. Amazing.” Soldier Boy says, sounding anything but impressed as he snorts one line and then a second in plain view of the delivery kid.

Butcher barely veils his annoyance long enough to thank the kid, snatch the bags, and close the door.

“Alright, I checked in with every cunt on the eastern seaboard, nuffin’,” he says, reaching into the bag and handing me a burger with a pointed look, then doing the same for Soldier Boy, minus the pointed look, before sitting down with his own. “So more fuck off time. Now what?”

Soldier Boy rifles through another of the bags from the delivery, revealing a new bottle of whiskey from inside. “For a minute there, I thought you really meant wine, but this’ll do.” He cracks the cap and tips the bottle back for a long pull.

Butcher shifts in his seat, working on his burger as I near the end of mine. That’s how fucking hungry I was.

Soldier Boy unwraps his burger and takes a bite. “Why don’t you put some music on, doll,” he orders more than asks around a mouthful of fast food. “Something to set the mood.”

He looks straight into my eyes, and my breath hitches.

The verdant ring of his irises is almost non-existent, crowded by the black of his pupils, and frenetic.

I swallow the last bite of my burger, crumple its wrapper, and toss the waste into the trash can a few feet away. “What kinda mood?” I ask, using my calm voice, hoping it has an effect on him.

He takes another bite of his sandwich as he watches me readjust my damp towel before scrolling my phone for a music app. When I finally stop fucking around and meet his eyes again, he’s staring at me.

He wipes his hands, holding my gaze, and my heart rate speeds up as he enunciates every word. “I’m going to tie you to the bed.” He pushes away from the table and out of his seat. “We’re going to use you like a chalice for our drink and a tray for our powder.”

He unknots and drops his towel to the floor as he closes the gap between us. He’s fully hard and looking meaner than I said he was before. It takes my breath away, and I begin to wonder if we’re crossing the line from gonzo to reckless endangerment.

“And I’m going to get you so fucking high, princess, that when I slide inside you you’re going to think you died and went to heaven.”

He refuses to let me look away when he reaches out and untucks my towel to push it to the floor. Then he moves in close, cupping my breasts to tease my nipples with his thumbs. “That kinda mood.”

My mouth is dry and my heart is pounding. I nod up at him dumbly and mutter something affirmative that makes him chuckle. He slides a hand behind my neck and dips in to kiss me.

When he breaks the kiss, he barely pulls away but makes it clear he’s commanding Butcher when he says, “Roll us a fat one so we can get our girl good and wrecked.”

Part IV

More Soldier Boy and/or Butcher

IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU'VE READ, PLEASE REBLOG AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!

[roonyxx]

If Only...: Chapter 5

Summary: When you get an invite from your family to go see them you refuse because they are always on your ass about being single. So what if Dean says he will pretend to be yours?

Warnings: language, tension, angst, fluff.

Pairing: Dean x Reader

A/N: The text divider is from the very talented @talesmaniac89​

Wordcount: 3800

If Only Masterlist

My Masterlist

Part 5

After ice skating you ate lunch in town, you and Dean spend some time with Sarah and Helena before going back to the resort to get ready for dinner.

You entered the room with a big sigh, “I don’t want to go to this stupid dinner.”

“Come on it might be fun.” Dean told you as he toed off his boots.

“Fun?! Maybe if Josh and Stephanie suddenly died, then yes.” You took off your jacket and shoes, walking towards the closet to find what you were going to wear.

“I don’t even know what to wear!” you whined.

“Hey come on” he followed you into the room “that’s why I am here, right? To make things more fun?” he gave you his kindest smile.

“Yes and so far you’re doing a really good job.”

“See, it’s just a dinner, Hell I’m more nervous. I have no idea which one the shrimp fork is” he was trying to make you laugh and less nervous. It was working too.

“No worries, no shrimps tonight. Just always start with the cutlery that is on the outside and work your way inwards. The little ones above your plate are for desert.” You opened the doors and started to filter through your clothes, looking for something that was suited for tonight.

“Is it that simple?” he wondered.

“Yes, rich people Dean, not always the brightest, so they make it easy.” Chuckling you found the garment bag you were looking for. “We have dinner in like two hours, best that you shower first or you’ll be stuck waiting for me” you sighed “I have to shave and all.”

“Oh yeah, or!” he wiggled his eyebrows “we can take this extra time to relax?” he had a mischievous smile on his face.

“Relax… how do you mean?” his question had your heart beating faster.

He stepped back towards the tub in the corner of the room and opened the tap to let it fill.

“Come on, I know you want it too.” He said as he took the remote and turned on the lights and music.

Oh God… half naked with him in a tub?! You were never gonna make dinner…

“Come on please! My butt is sore from falling on the ice and we can put some of this fancy” he took the bottle to read it “coconut bamboo bliss in it so we don’t have to shower anymore, it will save us some time.”

“Do you even have a swim suit?” you asked him. “Because I don’t.”

“Swim suit, underwear. What’s the difference? But hey, if you prefer naked, go ahead sweetheart.” He wiggled his eyebrows some more.

“Ha! In your dreams Winchester. Why don’t you enjoy this tub and I’ll get in the shower. I don’t think we both fit in there.”

“Look at it, it’s huge! Three Sams could fit in here. Pleeease, I want to relax with you.” He gave you his puppy dog eyes, you would never tell him that he was actually way better at that than Sam was. But the fact that you can’t say no to him also plays a big part in that.

You gave him a small smile “Okay fine!” you chuckled while Dean did a little happy dance “You win. Just get the tub ready while I change.”

“Yes ma’am” he said with a wide grin, turning to put more products in the water that made it smell like tropical paradise.

You took all your underwear with you in the bathroom and undressed quickly to shave your legs. You really regret not taking your swim suit with you…

You rinsed off your legs and filtered through your bras.

White bra? No way, that will be see through, maybe the red one? But you need that one for under your dress tonight. The plain black one would work, not your sexiest but that wasn’t the point of this, right?

You quickly changed underwear and put on the robe to leave the bathroom. You watched Dean descend into the tub… in just his tight black boxers.

His muscular legs caried him into the water, his skin rippled over every vein, muscle and bone that caried his gorgeous body. It was like watching a solar eclipse, dangerous to look at, but so beautiful. His freckles went beyond his face and were more concentrated on his shoulders, like he had stood naked under a golden rain shower. Your eyes traveled over his back, to the two little dimples above the waistband of his shorts and his dipped spine, his back was a golden plate molded by a God.

A deep groan left his plumb lips as he took place in the corner of the tub.

Great now your panties were wet without even entering the water…

“Are you gonna keep staring or will you join me?” he said as his hand waved through the foam.

“O-oh” you cleared your throat “y-yes sorry.” You made your way over to the tub, quickly dropping your robe and getting in the water. Moaning slightly as the warm water engulfed your body.

“Oh this is so good…” you said with your eyes closed.

“I know.”

You stretched your legs and accidently brushed his. “Oh sorry.” But before you could move away, his hand was on your ankle.

“It’s alright.” His hand moved up over your shin and dipped down to feel your calf, the motion made goosebumps rise on your skin.

“Your skin is so soft.” He whispered.

“I-I shaved.” One touch and you were a stuttering mess, how were you gonna survive this week?

A deep chuckle filled the room. “You didn’t have to shave for me, I’m not scared of a little hair.”

“You prefer a hairy lady ?” you smiled at him.

“Not prefer, more that I don’t really care, it’s just hair.” He shrugged, his hand still on you. “I can turn up the temperature if you’re cold.” He said as his other hand reached for the remote.

“Cold?” you questioned, you were flaming hot, you could feel sweat forming on your upper lip.

“You have goosebumps.” He said as his hand moved higher, squeezing your thigh a little, just above your knee.

“I… I’m okay.” Oh God, what was he doing to you?

“Good.” He breathed out and retracted his hand. “Did you come here often as a kid?”

You nodded “Yes, most holidays were spend here. As a kid this was my second home. I always took this room.” You smiled.

“Because of the tub?” he teased.

You chuckled “The tub was only recently installed. I like the cozy vibe it has.”

“It is very cozy.” He looked around the room, “You don’t miss it, this life?” he searched your face, like he was looking for something to reassure himself.

“No, I love my life I have with you and Sam. Hunting, it’s what I was made for, not this. Not that I am not grateful that Cindy and Marc took me in and gave me the best childhood possible after what happened, but the dinners and fundraisers, that was never me.”

Dean nodded in understandment “I am glad you had a good childhood, after what happened. Must have been horrible…”

“It was, I went mute after that, the first one I talked to was Sarah.”

You still have nightmares about finding your parents gutted in your house. Although you and Dean had been friends for a long time, you never really told him what exactly had happened. You never had told anyone, but Dean had this effect on you, he made you calm and you trusted him with your life.

“I still have nightmares about it sometimes.” You looked down at the water.

“I’m sorry you do, you know you can always talk to me” he gave you a kind smile. “I know how painful nightmares can be.”

You looked at him, at this strong, selfless man you loved so much. You knew he struggled with his sleep, you heard him scream more then once in the bunker, the sound cutting straight to the bone. What he didn’t know was that you always went to his room. Putting your hand on his forehead, whispering he wasn’t alone and that he is okay. And miraculously it worked, your touch was able to chase away his nightmares and you would keep stroking his hair for as long as you needed to, but always left before he woke up.

“I know Dean, thank you. You can always talk to me too, I’ve heard I’m a good listener.” You smiled kindly at him.

“I know you are.” He said.

A comfortable silence fell between you before you continued.

“I was 12 when it happened. I was over at a friend’s house, it was just down the road so I walked home myself.” You took a deep breath, “and I could feel it, something was off… it just didn’t feel right.” Dean moved across the tub to sit next to you, his hand grasped yours to give you a reassuring squeeze, encouraging you to continue.

“The front door was open and I went inside, putting my backpack on the ground, I yelled for them but no one was answering. As I went further into the house I-“ a little sob broke through “I saw them…” you gritted your teeth, the memory still inflicted anger deep within you “G-gutted in the living room, they were s-still… eating them when I arrived.” You felt his arm come around your shoulders and pulled you closer to him. “I screamed so loud, they ran away right before the neighbors arrived and called the police.” Tears were rolling down your face, you never told anyone what had happened. You turned to him and hid your face in his neck, holding onto his shoulders, letting it all out for the very first time.

He wrapped his arms around you and stroked your back. “it’s okay sweetheart, let it out. I’m here for you. I’m so sorry you had to live through that.”

You held on to him and listened to his soft words and felt his soft touches you needed more than you thought you would.

You lifted your head from his neck and wiped at your eyes.

“I found them. Those ghouls. When I turned 23, I killed them.” you stated coldly.

“You did good, sweetheart. I’m sorry you had to lose them like that…” he rubbed your arm with the hand that was still around you.

“Yeah, but in a way it made me to the person I am today, and if it had never happened I would never have met you and Sam, and I’m really grateful that I did.” You gave him a little smile.

“I’m grateful too, I don’t know how I would survive the morning without your awesome coffee.” He bumped your shoulder with a chuckle.

He could always make you smile. He cupped your cheek and wiped the tears away.

“There is that beautiful smile again.” He said as the crinkles next to his eyes appeared. You subconsciously lifted your hand up to brush your thumb over those crinkles. His beauty would never stop to amaze you. He was so close, almost chest to chest. His hand cupped your cheek that little bit tighter and his eyes drifted over every aspect of your face. Both your smiles faded as the tension weighted heavily on you. His face turned ever so slightly to the left as he move closer to you, you just watched him, as you felt his hand move down to put his thumb on your bottom lip, tugging gently on it.

You startled and practically jumped back from each other at the loud noise of your alarm that went off. You had set it so you wouldn’t lose track of time.

You were really regretting that choice right now…

“W-we need to get ready for dinner.” You breathed out.

He nodded. “You can take the bathroom, I’ll change here.”

You got up and out of the tub to put your robe on. You took your dress for the evening before you disappeared in the bathroom.

What was happening? He was gonna kiss you, you were sure of it now. But… why? Why now? Why has he never showed interested in you before? You had so many questions and your feelings for him weren’t helping with those.

Y/n get your mind out of the gutter and get ready.

You dried yourself off and got dressed, you put on some light make-up, styled your hair and put on your heels.

After lots of reaching and turning and sighing you came to the conclusion that you would have to ask Dean to zip you up.

You wore a long green velvet dress, with a slit on your right thigh and a little bit deeper cleavage then you were used too. But at least the fabric felt soft against your skin.

You opened the door to find Dean sitting on the bed, looking at his phone. You kept your arms close to your chest so the dress wouldn’t fall off and asked.

“Dean, could you zip me up please?”

He looked up, his eyes traveled slowly over your body making you blush all kinds of red.

“Y-yeah” he cleared his throat and stood up. “Of course, sweetheart.”

You turned your back to him as he stepped closer. He took the zipper in his hand, pressed tightly between his index and thumb, while the rest of his fingers rested against your skin as he slowly zipped you up. You held your hair aside and felt his hot breath fan over the back of your neck.

He used both his hands to put the little hook in place and rested them on your shoulders as he looked in your eyes through the mirror in front of you, he turned his head towards you, his lips brushed against the shell of your ear as he whispered.

“You look gorgeous, Y/n.”

You shivered underneath his palms and quickly casted your look downwards, trying to hide the heat you felt in your cheeks.

“Thank you, Dean.” You turned around and fixed his tie, your eyes meeting his as you looked up. “You’re not looking so bad yourself, Winchester.” You smiled.

He held out his arm for you to hook yours into. “You ready my lady?” he asked with a smile.

You took a deep breath and hooked your arm in his “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

You held onto him tight as you went down to the restaurant. When you entered the room you could see everyone was already seated.

Dean and you took place at the end of the table, opposite of each other. He sat next to Stephanie, which you did not like, and you next to Josh. Oh boy… this wasn’t gonna end well.

“Evening everyone.” You said, Dean nodded and muttered a quiet ‘evening’ to greet them too.

“You’re late” Josh said.

You sighed, you wished you were a little earlier now so you could have taken place next to Sarah.

“Oh congratulations you can read a clock.” You said with your best sarcastic smile.

“Guys… not tonight.” Cindy said in a warning tone.

You muttered out a quick ‘sorry’.

“You look beautiful tonight.” Sarah said to you.

You looked down at yourself briefly, already missing your usual flannel, but smiled at her none the less. “thank you Sarah, you’re looking beautiful too tonight.”

Stephanie reached up and gripped Dean’s bicep “Even this suit can’t hide your muscles, huh?” she asked him. “Do you work out?”

Your fist balled on top of the table, if she didn’t let go of him right now you would stab her with your fork.

Dean shifted a little uncomfortable on his chair and took her wrist to put her hand on the table, “I don’t…”

“Stephanie.” You said in a warning voice and giving her a glare.

“What? I was just giving him a compliment, jeez relax Y/n.” she sighed as she pushed her fake blonde hair over her shoulder.

Dean reached out to put his hand over yours to calm you down. Luckily for her, it worked.

He kept his hand on yours until dinner arrived. You looked at Dean as he briefly doubted which cutlery he needed first, a smile gracing your face when he picked the right one.

You were glad that Josh and Stephanie kept talking about their new business and left you and Dean alone.

Dessert was soon served and Dean’s face lit up as he saw it was pie.

He was eating his pie a little sloppy, but you liked that about him, he looked so cute and careless. He was so passionate about loving pie and that made the weight of the world go away. You watched him eat with a smile.

But it quickly faded when the bitch opened her mouth.

“So Dean, I have to ask” she leaned closer to him which made you clench your jaw, “what do you see in Y/n?”

Dean frowned a little, swallowing the last piece of his pie. “What do you mean by that? She is a beautiful, funny and smart woman.” He said.

“Come on Dean, you can stop the act. This has to be something she arranged, it’s impossible for a guy like you to like someone like her. Did she pay you?” she asked, your eyes went wide. The audacity of this bitch.

“What no! We like each other!” he said in his defense.

You quickly looked around the table to see if anyone believed Stephanie her theory. Your heart was beating fast, what if it wasn’t convincing enough? Dean is really out of your league. He wouldn’t date you… but he did try to kiss you, so maybe it wasn’t so impossible as you thought?

“We do!” you said and took Dean hands in yours to emphasize your words.

“Stephanie, you have officially lost your mind.” Sarah said.

“I haven’t! They only hold hands, not even a kiss and since when does Y/n date? She never had a boyfriend and now she brings home a model!” she gasped and gave you a sly smile “Is he an escort?”

“What! No! He’s my boyfriend and we just don’t show much affection in public.” You were really getting angry now.

“I am not an escort! Y/n’s my girlfriend, end of discussion.” Dean stated firmly.

“And I’m sorry for not having a boyfriend before, guess I’m just not a slut like you.” You told her, the family gasping. Cindy called for your name to try get in between you and Stephanie.

Stephanie started at you for a long time, “At least I’m not a freak like you. No one will ever love you, you’re just a weirdo, Y/n.”

“Stephanie!” Cindy yelled at her daughter-in-law.

You stood up, feeling tears swell in your eyes and left the table. You hurried over to the elevator and pushed the button.

You needed to be away from them. The elevator took to long for your likings. Instead you ran outside, wiping your cheeks.

You took a deep breath of the fresh air as you walked towards the lake, your heels crunched on the snow, your anger kept you warm.

You reached the lake and walked over to the star you and Sarah made when you were little and sat down on the little bench next to it. Softly sobbing to yourself, this whole thing was a bad idea…

Not much later you heard a pair of feet crunch on the snow and sighed.

“Not now Sarah, please.” You pleaded.

“It’s me.” Dean said.

You turned and frowned.

“How did you find me?” you asked him as he sat next to you on the bench.

“I know you better than you think, sweetheart.” He put his arm around you. “I’m sorry she said that, Y/n. You know it’s bullshit, right?”

“Yeah, it’s fine, I knew it was gonna happen sooner or later.” You wiped under your eyes, your fingers turning black from your smeared mascara. “She has a point. I never had a boyfriend, not even in high school because everyone thought I was a freak… and now I bring home you, and you’re so charming and handsome and perfect and…” you put your head in your hands, letting the sobs out. “Like a-anyone would ever believe that…”

“Y/n, you’re not a freak. You save people, you’re a damn hero.” you felt his fingers under your chin as he made you look up. “You’re funny, you can always make me smile. You’re so smart, sometimes you say things that just make me go ‘wow’. And on top of all that, you’re also beautiful, Y/n.”

You smiled a little through your tears and whispered “Thank you… no one has ever called me beautiful before.” You looked into his eyes, they were the water you needed on the fire of your anger and the sting of Stephanie her words.

“You deserve to hear it everyday sweetheart.”

“I’m sorry I left you at the table… what happened after I left ?”

“I might have called Stephanie a stuck up bitch…” he confessed.

You sat up more and smiled at him, “Really?!”

He nodded with a grin “Yeah, I mean, I’m not gonna let her talk to you like that and say nothing. After that she shut up and I ran after you to find you here.”

“Thank you, for everything Dean.” You laid your head on his shoulder.

“I got your back, sweetheart, always.” He pulled you closer into his side and looked at the wooden star. “No offense but it looks kinda fugly.” He chuckled.

You playfully hit his chest, laughing through your tears, “Don’t talk shit about my star!” you looked at your star and tilted your head a little to the side. “Okay yeah, it kinda does, but we were 14! We tried our bests, I like that it looks a little crooked.”

“Yeah I like it too.” His words formed a little cloud in front of his mouth and then you started to realize how chilly it actually was.

You moved closer into his side as the cold air started to seep through your dress. Dean took off his jacket and draped it over your shoulders.

“Lets go back before you catch a cold sweetheart.” He stood up and held out his hand for you.

You nodded and took his hand as you walked back to the resort together.

Part 6

~ FEEDBACK IS GOLD ~

[apocalypticavolition]

Let's (re)Read The Eye of the World! Chapter 14: The Stag and Lion

My reread continues! If you don't know the drill by now, let me clue you in: this is going to be chock full of spoilers for the whole damn Wheel of Time series and if you're not into those vibes you should find somewhere else to be! Not trying to be mean, just trying to help you help yourself. Those of you who do like spoilers are going to have to fend for yourselves though. I'm busy with the noobs.

Anyway, this chapter's icon is the Dragon's Fang again, reflecting the dream that Rand has this chapter courtesy of Ishamael. Pretty straightforward symbolism at this point.

Also, since it's not remotely relevant, I've decided that the Stag is the sign of some local nobility, either current or back from the pre-Andor days, and that's why it's mentioned alongside the nation's heraldic sign. Headcanons are fun!

With the winter we just had . . . well, as soon as it cleared enough for them to get down out of the mountains we were inundated—yes, that’s the word—inundated by men from the mines and smelters, all telling the most horrible tales. Wolves, and worse.

Have the Shadowspawn been spreading out beyond the Two Rivers? It might just be tall tales getting taller in the telling - that happens a lot in this story - but I wonder if maybe a few of these miners saw Trollocs coming out the wrong Waygates and trying to orient themselves. Maybe it was accident - I don't remember how well-marked the way to Manetheren was - or perhaps it was just a deliberate detour to escape Machin Shin.

“Oh, never you worry about them, Mistress Alys. They’re up to their usual tricks. Claim there’s an Aes Sedai in the town.” 

Considering how easy it is to recognize an Aes Sedai once you know the signs, it says nothing good about the Brown or Yellow Ajahs that a town like Baerlon, which isn't insignificant even if it is kinda the ass end of nowhere, could even make a plausible target for the tactic that Fitch describes.

A dozen tall, copper bathtubs sat in a circle on the tiled floor, which sloped down slightly to a drain in the center of the big stone-walled room. A thick towel, neatly folded, and a large cake of yellow soap sat on a stool behind each tub, and big black iron cauldrons of water stood heating over fires along one wall. On the opposite wall logs blazing in a deep fireplace added to the general warmth.

I have to say, based on the general wealth level of Baerlon and the lack of discomfort everyone has in disrobing in front of a total stranger, I'm a little surprised that there isn't just one large tub, like Moiraine and Lan share in the TV show. Lots of baths takes effort and resources and this is just one inn of no particular account on the edge of civilization.

“The Two Rivers,” Mat said, pronouncing each separate word distinctly. “It’s the Two Rivers. As for trouble, why—” “What do you mean, too?” Rand asked. “Is there some kind of trouble here?” Perrin, enjoying his soak, murmured, “Good! Good!” Thom raised himself back up a little, and opened his eyes.

Poor Thom, trying to relax and suddenly remembering he's the adult in a room with:

Samwise Gamgee trying to explain tubers

The main protagonist, who is always flailing into political shrewdness by dumb luck

And third guy, who has done almost nothing at this point to make Thom or even the reader think that he might be smarter than a dog with a head injury

Strange things in the mountains. I heard the other day there were Trollocs up in Saldaea.

Luckily for existence, Ara manages to out-stupid the boys by commenting that he heard rumors that the sun was going to set that evening. Mat could have told him everything about Trollocs in graphic detail and Ara wouldn't have been smart enough to repeat the story to anyone. That said, it's still for the best that Thom cuts him off.

“You just don’t tell them as well as Thom,” Rand cut him off hastily, and Perrin hopped in. “You keep adding in things, trying to make it better, and they never do.”

Oh thank goodness, Perrin can think on his feet. Guess I'll have to stop giving him shit for awhile now that Mat's officially established himself as the stupidest member of the party.

And if the Children of the Light heard Trollocs were after you, they’d be burning to get their hands on you. To them, it would be as much as naming you Darkfriend.

And this right here is what makes the Whitecloaks unquestionably the bad guys. When being pursued by the forces of darkness is proof positive that you are part of their ranks, there's nothing left but the witch hunt. It's really unfortunate, because whatever their opinions on channelers, the Whitecloaks are absolutely correct that Darkfriends have infiltrated every level of society (including their own!) and that they're a dangerous threat. They just go about the issue in the worst ways possible.

Just you put it in the front of your mind that we want no more attention than mice in a field. Concentrate on that. Moiraine wants to get you all to Tar Valon alive, and I will do it if it can be done, but if you bring any harm to her. . . .

This is exactly why Lan didn't want Egwene and probably didn't want to be dragging three boys around when they could have been focusing on one. He's worried that he and Moiraine are finally in too deep and while he welcomes that possibility for himself, he's much too attached to her (platonically) to be comfortable with the prospect of a bunch of idiot farmers bringing her down.

Naturally, Rand - the only one who hasn't been a target of his ire thus far - is the closest to being personally responsible for Moiraine's downfall out of anyone in the party.

When they left the bath chamber, Moiraine was standing at the end of the hall with a slender girl not much taller than herself. At least, Rand thought it was a girl, though her dark hair was cut short and she wore a man’s shirt and trousers. Moiraine said something, and the girl looked at the men sharply, then nodded to Moiraine and hurried away.

Can you just imagine an angry rant about how clothing isn't actually so gendered that pants would be universally masculine across 10,000 years of history so that I don't have to type it? You wanna do gender reversals, Jordan? Do a world where only women wear pants and dudes are rocking skirts. Call them kilts if you must, but come on. There's nothing intrinsically gendered about generic categories of clothing!

Also, hi Min. Lovely to see you.

He opened his mouth to apologize, but Egwene stiffened and turned her back before he could get a word out. Staring sullenly at her back, he swallowed what he had been going to say. All right, then. If she wants to be like that, there’s nothing I can do.

Bro she doesn't know an apology is coming and just doesn't want to hear your next rant.

“It isn’t what I would have laid before you a year ago, of course. Not nearly. The winter. Yes. The winter. My cellars are emptying out, and the market is all but bare. And who can blame the farm folk? Who? There’s certainly no telling when they’ll harvest another crop. No telling at all. It’s the wolves get the mutton and beef that should go on people’s tables, and. . . .”

The food crisis in Baerlon is a lot more severe than it is in the Two Rivers because of the huge population influx. Most farmers wouldn't be expecting their winter crops to be ready for harvest until the end of May (mid-Saven by the local calendar, two months off either way), if agriculture here is anything like North America and Europe. Frankly, it's a miracle that Baerlon didn't descend into a larger anarchy once summer came around.

“I suspect him no more than anyone else,” Lan replied. “But then, until we reach Tar Valon, I suspect everyone. There, I’ll suspect only half.”

Only a little overcautious, since a good third of Moiraine's sisters are evil.

“There, the news is better. No odd happenings, no strangers around who might be Myrddraal, certainly no Trollocs. And the Whitecloaks are busy trying to make trouble for Governor Adan because he won’t cooperate with them. They will not even notice us unless we advertise ourselves.”

A) Bad news, Rand will be advertising you, and

Also A) Jordan is hitting a lot of A names here in Baerlon. Moiraine and Lan go by Alys and Andra. The guard they talked to coming into town was Avin. The bath attendant was Ara. Now the governor is Adan! Eight a's in five names with a total of twenty letters.

S) Later he will pick a different letter to use fifteen million times and it will be the cause of much weeping and gnashing of teeth.

With the crowding at the inn there were only three rooms to be had, one for Moiraine and Egwene, and two to take the men. Rand found himself sharing with Lan and Thom, on the fourth floor at the back, close up under the overhanging eaves, with a single small window that overlooked the stableyard.

Considering that Lan and Thom both just dissed the boys for the trouble they'll be getting into, I'm surprised Mat and Perrin were allowed to have their own room. Maybe they were initially going to split one adult each but then Lan and Thom got in an argument about who deserved to have two boys and neither would back down from only rooming with the one least likely to give either a headache.

The stone hallway was dim and shadowy, and empty except for Rand. He could not tell where the light came from, what little there was of it; the gray walls were bare of candles or lamps, nothing at all to account for the faint glow that seemed to just be there. The air was still and dank, and somewhere in the distance water dripped with a steady, hollow plonk.

I'm going to say that this is a dreamshard and not T'A'R proper, since it is filled with implausibilities and impossibilities that don't really match how the World of Dreams renders the waking world.

One wall opened in a series of arches onto a gray stone balcony, and beyond that was a sky such as he had never seen. Striated clouds in blacks and grays, reds and oranges, streamed by as if storm winds drove them, weaving and interweaving endlessly. No one could ever have seen a sky like that; it could not exist.

Case in point. Yet... I will admit, this probably not an entirely alien sight in the Blight.

“Once more we meet face-to-face,” the man said and, just for an instant, his mouth and eyes became openings into endless caverns of flame.

Ishy's so excited he can't even keep his glamor going.

“You seem thirsty,” the man by the fire said. “Drink.” On the table was a goblet, shining gold and ornamented with rubies and amethysts. It had not been there before. He wished he could stop jumping. It was only a dream. His mouth felt like dust.

Is it poison? Something worse? It's hard to guess what the gambit here might actually have been, because even Jordan didn't know the rules at this point and he closed off most of the options once he did.

“Are you the one?” Ba’alzamon said suddenly. “You cannot hide it from me forever. You cannot even hide yourself from me, not on the highest mountain or in the deepest cave. I know you down to the smallest hair.”

It's an impressive contradiction. I know you intimately and I cannot recognize you. It's almost as if most reincarnations are complete reinventions of the person with only a few themes to follow them through the turning of the Wheel, Ish. It's almost like you can't possibly grow tired from incarnating because that's not something that even requires energy on your part. But please, keep pretending your extremist variant of nihilism is logically coherent.

“Are you expecting glory?” Ba’alzamon said. “Power? Did they tell you the Eye of the World would serve you? What glory or power is there for a puppet? The strings that move you have been centuries weaving. Your father was chosen by the White Tower, like a stallion roped and led to his business. Your mother was no more than a brood mare to their plans. And those plans lead to your death.”

Title drop! Ish is desperately trying to advertise the Blight's premier vacation destination, a green oasis in the midst of hell, a resort so exclusive you can only visit once, so book your reservation today, before the world ends! Not even stone cold nihilism can win against the love of money.

It's great reading this with hindsight because it shows how utterly and completely full of shit Ishamael is. He guesses that this is what happened, because it's what he would do, but the White Tower had nothing to do with Rand's conception, except that one Aes Sedai gave a Foretelling to his mother and let her do what she would with it. Her getting pregnant was the farthest thing from anyone's minds at the time, let alone with an Aiel clan chief.

The Amyrlin Seat will use you until you are consumed, just as Davian was used, and Yurian Stonebow, and Guaire Amalasan, and Raolin Darksbane. Just as Logain is being used.

And yet, it's possible that this is mostly true. Logain isn't being used by Siuan - she's trying to stabilize Ghealdan, not tear it apart, and she's not interested in False Dragons - but Guaire may well have been a project of Bonwhin Meraighdin, the Red Amyrlin who rose to power the year he declared himself. The others we don't know enough about, but Siuan and Moiraine react just oddly enough to Rand's accusation later that I think Ish is providing more truth than he had been.

“Fool, I have never been bound!”

I'd say that being free for 120 years out of 3,500, a mere 3% of the total, is still hella bound, Ishy. Still though, his own bragging is hella impressive. I strongly suspect that the Second Covenant was an era that was only a step or two down from the Age of Legends, and he wrecked that. Afterward, he ensured that the Seanchan would rise up and reinvent chattel slavery, which is hella evil on his part.

“Then go to the Aes Sedai. Go to the White Tower and tell them. Tell the Amyrlin Seat of this . . . dream.”

A smart play. I don't think Moiraine would have liked hearing about this dream, and Siuan less, but the truth is they still would have supported Rand to any degree short of his joining the Shadow. But Ish plants the doubt, and Moiraine's words last chapter give Rand little reason to think he'd survive this conversation.

With a snort he lay back. Were the dreams really bad enough for him to ask the help of an Aes Sedai? On the other hand, could anything he did now get him in any deeper? He had left the Two Rivers, come away with an Aes Sedai. But there had not been any choice, of course. So did he have any choice but to trust her? An Aes Sedai? It was as bad as the dreams, thinking about it.

See what I mean? Moiraine didn't just sink a ferry, she burned a bridge, and life is going to be a lot more unpleasant for everyone these next five books as a result. Let's see how that goes next time in "Strangers and Friends"!

[mylivejournalsucks]

all i want for christmas is a healthy shift in perspective, tbh.

For years, it felt like I was the saddest and drunkest person to ever exist during the holidays.  It would start with a flurry of activity in December—festive parties, candy canes and gingerbread desserts, blasting a charlie brown christmas while blissfuly soaking in the tub (always skipping the one song that’s sung by children who sound like they escaped from a mental institution)—and I would start to actually think/delude myself into being like, “Wait, I actually love the holidays?” But then, bloop, the activity would stop and all the fun distractions would evaporate and suddenly my bones would turn to crushed ice when I’d realize all that’s left was just me and my flop of a family.

I’m 96% kidding. I love my family. I do. But we’re not the closest bunch. Honestly, we’re just very different people and I knew from an early age that, in order to experience globs of closeness and intimacy, I would have to outsource and build a big life for myself. One that included a lot of strong friendships. It actually works until all those friends have to leave for a week and deal with the reason why they also had to go and build big lives for themselves.

So Jonathan would trot off to see his family in Berkeley (he actually likes them....disturbing)  and I would be left alone to turn my stomach into a wine cellar and have decadent marie antoinette dinners, basically giving myself gout for Christmas. Then, to assuage the guilt of my excessive drinking and eating, I would convince myself that all this peace and quiet was lending itself to a “creative surge of activity” and by that I mean I would drag my hungover ass to a computer and type nonsense for 75 minutes before laying down and watching reruns of Millionaire Matchmaker. (All I want for Christmas is for Patti Stanger and her industrial strength bangs to tower above me and go on a tirade about redheads. My problematic Marina-Del-Rey-living queen...)

The hangovers were particularly brutal this time of the year. I don’t know if it’s because LA was dead and there was nothing really to hide behind or power through for. My skin would break out, my stomach would feel like it was put through a cheese grater (probs because I was eating so much cheese.) And I had no choice but to be an absolute sub to my misery. It felt like my problems were there under the Christmas tree, waiting for me to unwrap them, and I would just stare at them and think, “If unwrapping wasn’t so ableist, maybe I would but JK, not now.”

Then, miracle of miracles, I got sober during the early days of the pandemic. i was excited to see if not drinking and the holidays would make for a quietly iconic duo but then an exposure to omicron cancelled all my holiday plans last year. 2022 would be the first time in three years I would get to experience Christmas the way it used to be: absolutely terrible! 

But I had a hunch that raw-dogging Christmas was going to be actually okay. For Thanksgiving, Jonathan and I hosted fifteen people at our house. It was a merging of our two families and it felt very “Circle Of Life” being able to give our parents an experience where they just eat and chill while we took care of everything. And by “we” I mean Jonathan. I still have the life skills of someone raised in a bunker. But the day was very special and honestly took the pressure off of Christmas having to be a slay. Jonathan is always trying to get me to go to Berkeley with his family for Christmas but I always resisted because I felt guilty leaving my tiny family behind and also, the drunk part of me liked getting to isolate and have “glamorous” nights where I sit in bed alone, drink goblets of wine, and Google “Jon Hamm bulge sweatpants.”

But now I’m that no longer sucking alcohol’s dick and because we had already such a fantastic Thanksgiving with my family, I decided to finally live my Norcal truth. And I’m so glad I did because hon? It was heav. Jonathan’s sister and mom are delightful. They’re all beautiful reflections of each other and being around them for concentrated periods of time allows me to fill Jonathan in even more as a person. We ate delicious food, were confused by Berkeley fashion (you’re millionaires, please put down the performance fleece vest.....) and we stayed at a hotel that kind of felt like The Shining but in a consensual way.

For the first time since I was a kid, I had a lovely Christmas. One that didn’t feel lonely or hungover or cause me to fixate on what I didn’t have. It sounds traj to write but I didn’t know that was possible. I had resigned myself to the holidays forever acting as an X-ray to all of the poisonous thoughts and feelings I have living inside of me.  But now I’ve made new traditions. Healthier ones. And I feel silly for letting myself live in a story I didn’t like for so long but, of course, it’s hard to regret anything when you like where you’ve ultimately landed. 

It’s nice to see yourself get better at living.

[oinkinpigprince]

Hi this is mainly for my friend but I was thinking about some of the one piece characters as cats, I’ve only read to chapter 30 so it’s only Nami, Luffy, Zoro, and Usopp

Luffy the type of cat who can’t swim, but whenever you’re taking bath he’ll jump straight into the water and then act surprised that he’s drowning

Also a very lanky cat, and stretch it’s very hard to pick him up cause of it

He’d also be a calico style cat or a black and white one, and loves running around and slamming into shit.

Would scarf his food down then try to steal everyone else’s, zoro’s kick his ass countless time

Also cat fights are hourly, like clock work Usopp and Luffy are the main antagonists

They also run around @ night knocking shit over and being the loudest POS then conk out all day

Zoro’s the cat that gets out and starts cat fights with the neighbor hood cats, comes back scratched up but soooooo proud of himself

Zoro’s the cat you get @ the shelter who every person told you was gonna be a problem and be hard to take care of and was gonna probably be very aggressive, and they were right but he also licks your nose when you’re laying on the couch so it’s worth it

Zoro also knocks glass specifically off the counter so that’s why you have to buy plastic dishes unless you want the most violent carpet known to man

He’s one of those built ass ugly ass blond cats(/pos) and has green eyes, also I feel like if he didn’t have green hair he’d have that fugly blond military cut hair

Doesn’t let anyone near him, unless it’s his favorite person. But it’s kinda hard to tell who’s his favorite person or he’s the one who lays on you, which is rare

Lays on your neck when you’re asleep and chokes you out, lovingly

Brings you dead birds as a sign of affection

Also watches you piss, just direct eye contact until you’re done

90% of your catch scratches are from him, but it’s like, lovingly

The other 10% are from Nami surprisingly, but that’s because you got too close to her horde of your shit

Steals everything from everyone and keeps it in a specific corner in a room or under your bed if she can

Very sweet but the type to let you pet her then bites immediately after

She has the bastard disease

I mean what do you expect from those gross lil orange cats

I need to stop being so damn mean, I fuckibg love cats wtf

Shes always napping on the stuff you need and looks at you bastardly when you try and gently try and get her off

Then gets offended when you actually do get her off

Kneeds your leg aggressively with the sweetest smile so you don’t do anything about it

She lays in your lap while your work or play games and licks your chin

Also grooms your hair or just licks your bald head if you don’t have any

Namis definitely the type to eat shit she shouldn’t eat

I said she hordes random shit but 90% is like any jewelry you own or shiny shit and old socks

Has eaten said jewelry and you’ve taken her to the pet ER numerous times for it, and she always has this shit eating grin on her face when you take her home

Usopp you found suck in your fence on a rainy day, you had to call a fire man to get him out and he’s been your problem everyday

Him and luffy have 4 brain cells combined, and luffy does not like sharing

Usopp gets trapped in everything and waits for you to come bail him out by meowing/screaming

He’s super cuddly though and very playful, he likes to act big and scary but one sudden move and he’s sprinting out pissing himself

Scared of everything new, then once he gets familiar it’s suddenly his favorite thing in the world

Also gets into fights like zoro but always looses and comes back crying and sad

He has big dog syndrome but for cats, he thinks he can fight pit bulls 9x his size but then runs away screaming the moment they move

But will still try and fight you

Gets into everything too somehow, then can’t get out??

Actually love water and will regularly hop in the tub w/ you and swim around

I feel like he could be a leash cat, walk him around on a leash

He’s a turtle shell cat btw, vry important

Runs around at ungodly hours of the night and jumps on you while you’re sleeping

But gets pissy if you wake him up

Prolly the best one to cuddle with, he’ll lay on your chest and purr while you two watch a movie

Walks on your keyboard while you’re typing though, bastard man

Licks everything too, everything he can get his spiky little tongue

Like zoro he’ll bring you stuff from his ‘hunt’ but it’s just leaves and sticks, you appreciate them anyways cause he got them FOR YOU

Does those very unimpressive jumps, falls a lot tbh

Loves playing w/ toys and his is the only reason you buy them, his favorite ones are the ones shaped like animals, especially birds

Jumps when he sees cucumbers & pickles

Fights w/ Nami a lot but that’s cause she takes his favorite toys into her stash and he wants them back and the two just growl and hiss at each other til they start fighting

Him and luffy get into a lot of trouble and have broken so many household appliances

Sleeps on freshly clean laundry and refuses to get up to let you fold and put it away

Don’t worry about him getting locked in the dryer he’s too scared to even go in there

Loves to drink out of the toilet like a dirty gremlin, every time you scold him he just has a blank stare on his face like •_____•

He’ll climb up your pant leg just to get your attention like kittens

He’s an attention whore

This was fun, I hope you like it calico :))

[sa4phire]

i have this fantasy of him kidnapping me after work.

of course i’d know he was coming because he’d told me he was coming to pick me up after work.

he’d wait until i closed the back door, ensuring nothing was left behind. he’d get out of the drivers seat and walk to me slowly with his hands behind his back.

i’d be smiling like the most handsome angel was in front of me. little do i know he’s gonna whip me around when he hugs me, cuffing my hands behind my back.

suddenly i’m not sure what’s going on because he’s opening the trunk while one hand is on my arm holding me in a death grip so i can’t wrench away from him.

then i’d see the rope in the back. he’d lift me into the trunk and head lazily to the front seat since he knows i won’t struggle against him.

then we’d follow a path leading to somewhere close in town. he’d already have a room rented for the occasion.

he’d let me out of the trunk, throwing a jacket over my shoulders so no one sees the cuffs. we’d go through the back/side door so it’d be even less likely for us to be seen. then he’d lead me to the room where

the bed is partially covered in different toys like a dildo and a big plug in vibe and a leather collar with it’s chain leash on the very edge waiting for me.

i’d get let out of the cuffs once i was collared and i’d be his pet for the entire night.

sucking him slow and making love to his dick while he sits and watches as i slowly get sloppier and let the spit cover my naked body.

making me do tricks for red grapes

inspecting me and then fingering me, trying to stretch out my hole that’s been completely unused in all the time that he’s been away

he’d walk me like a dog. and i’d be his free use slut.

i know he’d spit on me, right in my face and then slap me to rub it in. he’d fuck the ever loving shit out of me for hours because once he comes once, he can just go. and go. and go. i’d be bred till i was full and then he’d use my ass, making sure it’s all good and juicy before he fucks my tiny hole like it’s my pussy.

i bet he’d tape it shut once he bred me, just so i’d know we’re anal only now. he’d use me until i couldn’t take it anymore, am about to pass out. then he’d walk me into the bathroom and tell me to get in the tub and i’d be seeing things at this point and he’d piss on me.

anyway i gotta go back to work.

[letree]

The Valiant Lady

Flights got delayed and delayed some more, but it worked to our advantage and we somehow got 1st class from Edmonton to Toronto. The seats were wider, there were free mimosa’s, the headphones were high quality and dinner was served on a glass plate with glass cups and silver utensils. Dinner even came with your own personal miniature salt and pepper shakers. We arrived to a scorching hot Barcelona where we walked around in 40 degree heat, still wearing pants and sweaters from the plane ride. Our hotel was walking distance to most things tourist, so we started off near the market and watched some acrobatic men blasting obnoxious music jump and do flips over tourists while enjoying the first of many beer/sangrias. The next day we walked our roller luggage over 1000000 small cobblestones to the marina where we boarded the Valiant Lady.   When we entered the room, the lights automatically turned on and the pink and blue ombré curtains opened to our own patio looking out over the ocean with a handmade red hammock. The room had an iPad that controlled things like lights, TV, music, curtains, room service ect.  You could also change the “mood” of the room, naturally, we put it on the ‘get it on’ theme which played sexy music and made the room turn hot pink and close the blinds when selected. Hah. When sun was setting that evening we found a hot tub to sit in and watched a beautiful sunset while sailing away.

The ship sailed over night and each morning we would wake up in a new city. The first morning we woke up in Marseille. We started the morning off by running 5k around the red outdoor track that circled the top of the ship. We left the ship and walked around Le Vieux Port (the old port). There was a ton of vendors there that morning, but it was so damn hot that if you weren't selling ice cream or beer we weren't interested. Soap was a big ticket item there. There was a soap museum, a soap souvenir shop, local artisan soap.. Speaking of cleanliness, after walking around, we found a tan marble staircase that had been coated in 100’s of years worth of urine.  We walked up said pee staircase and found a huge cathedral, “ cathédral la majeur”.   That same walk we also came across ‘’the worlds largest orange gummy bear’’ and a pigeon eating a full pizza to itself.   At the end of the day, we returned to the boat where a band from Jacksonville, Florida called the “The honey hounds” played and amazing show .

The second day we woke up in Cannes, France. We took a tour bus that day to Monaco, which is home of the prince’s palace, which we took a tour around. They gave us a little 90’s cellphone that told you info about each of the exhibits. The thing talked too much and was kind of boring, but there was some interesting paintings of angry dogs, infinity mirrors, frog men, and ugly renaissance babies. We then went to an aquarium full of your typical aquarium shit, but they did have a giant sea turtle! While there, we visited the Monté Carlo Casino, where the James Bond movie was filmed. Parked outside the building was ridiculously flashy luxury cars and we even saw a celebrity! We don’t know who the celebrity was, but everyone was trying to take photos with him. That area also had all the fancy boutiques like YSL, Louis viton, Fendi, but I was more excited about a ginormous inflated bottle of ketchup in a nearby garden. After a selfie with the ketchup we went back to the boat where we saw a savage ass seagull kill and eat another bird in the water. 

Speaking of eating, for dinner that night we had a surprise 6 course meal at the ‘Test Kitchen’. Each dish was paired a special cocktail as well. The restaurant theme was ‘science lab’. The colours were white and hospital green, the countertops were stainless steel and the waiters wore white lab coats. The dinner was amazing; Appetizers consisted of a mushroom patté (shaped like a mushroom), followed by a smoked eggyolk on peas and a small soup with muscles and prosciutto. For the main we were served a potato cut into microscopically thin slices so it looked like a sea creature, then they topped it with a bacon powder. Accompanying it was a piece of medium rare venison that had been slow cooked and topped with berries and a berry sauce, gravy, and melted dark chocolate. Omg. It. Was. So. Good.   For dessert they gave us a wasabi ice cream, followed by second dessert, a chocolate cake with a melty center and berry goo.  

After dinner we went to Kaine’s first ever draaaggg shooowwww to see “The Diva”. Kaine’s ass hole would clench up every time she came near because she touched him while singing/dancing and got him to hold some stuff throughout the performance.  Luckily she didn’t ask him to come up and lip sing Shania Twain “I feel like a woman” with the other guys.

The next day we spent on the boat sailing to our next destination. I tried ordering eggs for breakfast twice, but after them coming back cold and uncooked both times, we got some sushi and ramen then went to the pool to lounge around and watch a drunk guy stumble around. 

For dinner that night we went to “Gunbae” for a Korean style dinner. We sat with 4 kind/obnoxious New Yorker’s who yelled at each other constantly and said what ever was on their mind. The dinner started off with a simple counting game (which a few of them couldn’t understand for the life of them). Basically if you said a certain number, you lost and had to take a shot of saki. (I won btw ). We went on to have a bunch of grilled meats and finished with dessert.   Dessert was a white and black ice cream with caramel sauce, but the sauce tatsted odd, like meat marinade.  

The next morning we sailed into Olbia and hopped on a double decker to the downtown area. In the afternoon, most shops close for a ‘ciesta’ mid afternoon. So after walking the pier and looking at closed shops, we headed back to the ship where we played some shuffleboard and watched an acrobatic version of Romeo and Juliet. After dinner they had “the scarlet night”.  There was games, truth or dares, live music, the halls were lit with red lights and inflatable fish, and they put on a singing/dance show where people danced in the shallow end of the pool like Christina Aguilera’s ‘dirty’ music video. We took it pretty easy that night because the next day we would arrive in Ibiza where Calvin Harris was playing!! But we didn’t have tickets to that, so we just walked around the scorching heat. There was a tall stone wall that went up a mountain side with apartments, restaurants and old stone homes from when it was its own city. At the top were amazing views looking out over the ocean. We were going to go to a nearby beach, but we ran out of water and couldn’t afford more. Just kidding, we could afford more, but if you sat down at a restaurant, went to a washroom or tried to use water in any way, it would cost you.   We found a local restaurant at the top of this mountain and accidentally ordered enough pizza and fruit for 5 people. We didn’t want to waste the food we shovelled more into our belly’s than we should have.  

We set sail again and later found ourselves at Bingo hosted by ‘The Diva’.   She made a bunch of jokes throughout, one being:  Q: how do you know you’re at a gay picnic?   A: The hot dogs smell like shit. That made me lol. Anyways, the cruise was over and we abandoned ship to spend a few nights in Barcelona on our own agenda. To appease me, we went to “Mocco” an art museum which had art from Banksy, Warhol, and a bunch of other artists I’ve never heard of. We both really liked the art from an artist in particular named, Guillermo Garcia.

 After a bunch of walking we got snacky and went to a pub for tapas and beer. At these places you order a beer, get a plate, and along the bar counter is plates and plates full of two bite snacks. At the end you count how many toothpicks you have, and that’s what you pay! 

It was recommended to us that we definitely pay a visit to the Sangrada Familia, a basilica that’s been under construction for over 132 years and is still not completed. It was designed by a famous architecture named Gaudi who steered away from the gothic church style and gave it a brighter, more artsy/whimsical feel.  Long story short, it was epic. The sun coming through the stained glass windows and the organ blasting throughout the building was incredible. 

After some more walking, tapas, uncooked eggs and hot choc so thick you’re supposed to dip a churro in it, we hopped on the plane and came back home. 

[taeyamayang]

Ah how I wish our cats wouldn’t eat out food. Surprisingly Loki doesn’t (always) sit at my parents feet bagging for food but Thor does. Like my stepdad can’t even eat cereal in peace, Thor always ends up drinking the milk out of his bowl. At least the milk is edible. When the cats used to scratch the couch we bought anti scratch tape to put on the places they scratch and the next thing we knew he was licking it???? Like sir??? He’s weird. And kinda dumb. Sometimes he decides to tight rope walk on the loft railing and I’ll be chillin in my room when I just hear screeching from the living room and I run out to see my mom yelling at me to take my blind ass cat off the railing. He’s just vibing like he isn’t 🤏 this close to falling on his ass off the railing and onto the living room floor. He isn’t the only one who does it, Loki does it too but he usually just sits in the part where the railing for the stairs and the railing for the loft meet. Aria doesn’t which is strange bc she is the only one that can actually see properly. Ching skips????? 🥺 Loki does this little sway thing when he walks like the cats do in the aristocat movies, especially when he has a collar on and it’s the funniest thing istg. Momo being all affectionate with you is so cute omg. I wish I had cats that loved me 😭. Anytime I really pet Thor he fucking SWERVES. Even when he rubs all up in me for cuddles??? Like sir my heart can’t take these mixed signals 😭💔❤️‍🩹 reading that Momos eyes water when you went underwater made MY eyes water fr 🥺 that’s so pure. My cats won’t get to any source of water larger then their water bowl. They are traumatized from baths. Loki used to be reallly bad with baths (he once even peed in my mom but we think he actually had to go beforehand so) he used to meow and meow and meow but he’s called down since then. He’s still meows but it’s bearable. Thor on the other hand? Got worse. He’s so slinky and long and he’s like a wet rat in the tub, scurrying away from the water. He doesn’t meow (he doesn’t meow much in general tbh) but he’s still a menace. When my sister and I were washing him (washing the cats is a whole ass spectacle in my house and it takes at LEAST two people to clean the gremlins) he ducking LEAPED over my shoulder and tried to run away. The sink we were washing him in reached up to my waist but I’m still 5’7 and that’s a big jump even for a cat. My sis and I were shook for a whole ass second or two like ??? Tf did he go? Till we see his soapy ass sneaking away like swiper from Dora. He thought he was slick. Unfortunately for him he jumped right into litter so he was stuck in the bath for even LONGER. Thor may be a menace to deal with but the real problem is aria. She doesn’t keep, she ducking SCREAMS. like you would think a small child was being murdered in my house with how loud her lil baby cat screams are. I’m surprised we haven’t gotten the cops called on us. Especially since half of her screams sound like she’s yelling “nooooo” I once woke up to hearing a little “noooooooo” and a “yes aria. You are stinky. If you didn’t roll around in the dirt, we pulsing be here!” “Nooooo!” “You are too stinky!!” I Hines thought I was having some weird ass lucid dream until I woke up and saw a demonic black blob hiding up the desk. Still soaking wet. She acts if she’s in a shonen anime and the bathtub killed her whole clan or smthn istg

it's been ages bc i was busy with uni BUT YOU KNOW WHAT everytime i see a cat or a dog (i'll explain later) I REMEMBER YOU but before that can i just say..

i love thor I LOVE YOUR CAT i swear i can imagine him swerving when you try to pet him, or when he sits dangerously on the railings, or that time he leaped on your shoulder when trying to escape from bath I LOVE HIM he has a personality and i honestly love love that. idk why but every time you tell me stuff about your cats (esp with on this recent update with thor) it makes me laugh and smile! so thank you for that!!

anyway, i have a bit of lengthy update. so first off when i was jogging with my friend around the neighborhood we could hear a kitten cryinf around the of some street. the first time we heard it we looked at it and let it be thinking the house next to it might be taking care of it but after another lap the kitten is still there and he is in a pile of garbage. so when i looked at him and he saw me HIS EYES ROUNDED i swear he is the cutest thing and decided to follow me fsbdbsjs at first i was trying to make it sit still and he did... for like 2 seconds UNTIL HE DECIDED TO RUN OFF TO THE STREET AND GUESS WHAT A CAR WAS APPROACHING AND MY INSTINCTS TOOK OVER SO I RAN AFTER THE KITTEN NOT EVEN MINDING THE CAR FAST APPROACHING. out of panic thank god my friend was there so she was able to signal stop to the driver and THANK HEAVENS it dis stoo before the kitten and i got ran over by it. so after that incident the kitten decided to jog with us. he was following us everywhere. left with no choice we took him home. my friend isnt an animal lover but we had no choice but to take the kitten to their place bc i have a pregnant stray cat in my garage and 2 cats at home so i cant keep another kitten. long story short my friend fell for him 🥺

here's a pic of thomas!! the cat i risked my life for

another story:

not quite a catto story but a funny one.

okay so i was at my friend's place for 6 damn days bc of our thesis paper anyway that is not the point lmao my friend is a dog lover hence he has dogs but his dogs stay at his parents house. but one time he brought his dog to his place where me and my other friends/thesis mates were staying. when i was playing with the dog and trying to call for his attention guess what... I MEOWED AT HIM AND THE DOG LOOKED AT ME DISAPPOINTEDLY I AM NOT KIDDING THE DOG WENT AWAY GSNSBSNS AND U KNOW WHAT I DID IT TWICE BY ACCIDENT 😭😭😭 ive been hanging out with cats that i forgot i treat every damn animals as cats