#because i dont wanna make myself sick of it
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no ones ever gonna understand how much i love daigo doin this stupid shit after dissolving the tojo
#snap chats#is this a gaiden spoiler. its been like five months catch up you nerds#ANYWAYYYYY NOO I LOVE HIM ....... this whole bit is like four seconds long but i love it so much#i just reminded myself i should probably make gaiden/y8 videos for daigo.. i'll make it a JP/ENG comp or somethn.. one day#not soon tho like its barely anything since he's not in those games Long At All but still. im lazy 💀#excuse me while i gush about daigo for twenty minutes now because hehee HE'S SO CUTE I CAN'T GET OVER IT#this is literally the middle aged equivalent of going yippee like YOU CAN TELL HE'S SO RELIEVED IT'S SO CUTE#got the energy of a student with crippling anxiety after they somehow get through giving a presentation without throwing up#AND his lil smile ......... thank you gaiden you made me wanna eat drywall with daigo's sad puppy dog eyes about kiryu#and then immediately made up for it a minute later#sorry i keep scrolling up to look at him and i love him so much. what if i threw up#i dont like using babygirl lightly but this is actually the most Babygirl frame of him ever ive decided#thats my boy .... i love my boy so much ..... he's so cute ... come so far in life congratulations king ..... ily ...#him lookin up at the sky for a minute just to breathe i know he thankin god for the fact he somehow isnt dead yet#im gonna ignore the fact all of this was for naught so i dont bash my head against a wall anyway stan daigo#im gonna be sick i love him so much#if i redraw this later shut up. i love him...#this is why i try not to look at cutscenes anymore cause when i do i feel my brain being put in a microwave and start to melt#its not my fault i love my guys so much .... ok bye i have work to do ....#and then when i finish that work i can go back to loving my guys YAAAAAY !!!!!!!
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war and hate on planet earth
stg i was living in a world where i was sure MQF peak seniority was left ambiguous and then i got a wake-up call when i picked up the book to reread a bit 😔😔😔🤡 (i know it was prolly mentioned somewhere before this scene as well but this is where i picked it up and got smacked at so thats the only reason why i picked this part)
idk i guess i just had my eyes conveniently closed each time before hdksfh
also @ anyone thats gonna notice that i will still put qc peak as 4th even after seeing the evidence umm no you didnt mind your damn business
#🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡#i am blind and i cant read apparently#or ig i cant read what i dont wanna see it would seem jhdskfhkds#mqf king how could they do this to you hjdhfks#8th at best?????#ohhhh you put your doctor peak so low broken bones for cang qiong broken bones for one thousand years#i mean 8 is my favourite number but i will not stand for this#anyway in my defense i did check the wiki before to make sure i was not making fool of myself and it just betrayed me ig jshkd#because when talking about Wan Jian the y say and i quote:#'Though its precise rank is unspecified it ranks below Qiong Ding and Qing Jing and above An Ding Peak'#so like yea sure cool they are going off of the way they address each other ok got it#but they dont say anythingggggggggg liek that about qian cao OUGH so i thought ok sick it wasnt mentioned smile#non#targeted attack at me specifically obviously#hkjdhsdkfhsdk#now i look like a fool that cant read but i have decided to die on this hill
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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that damn web comic is rattling around in my brain ...
#i just felt smacked in the face with a mirror reality something i could see not only myself but so many other people i know/have known in#with a frighteningly sharp precision#some of the people in whn look IDENTICAL to real life friends or exes or people i knew in high school or coworkers#i sent it to my friend and he said 'i feel like this HAPPENED to someone i know'#i keep thinking about that awful feedback loop of mental illness isolation and social media addiction#but its so much more complicated than 'touch grass' like you could shoot all these peoples phones#and theyd just turn to something equally toxic and retraumatizing and self-flagellating#they already show this because they have ed's and self harm and abuse substances and spend money they dont have#the chronic online-ness is a symptom not the disease#the thing that makes me a little sick is how much i relate to milo refusing to delete his tumblr even after everything#i have had instances in my life where posting on tumblr was actively making my life worse or harder or getting in the way of real shit#and i still use it as a crutch in the worst of times#its just funny cuz its this thing that saves you from riskier vices while still obviously perpetuating those things#because its a place that reflects You so heavily#you reblog sad shit cause youre sad and it makes you sadder#you wanna self harm you see people post their cutting pics now you feel like its not so weird or bad#its making me ask questions like 'am i stunted' 'what does it mean to be stunted' and then of course#when is someone 'acting like a victim' and just A Victim and can you do both and what does that mean#man....
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#i hate how motherfucking weak i can be sysgsnjdsbdjsy#i keep telling myself. no more Typical BookTok romance books#stop reading stuff because you saw a tiktok listing tropes or a concept#and here i am yet a fucking gain getting reeled it#when i have so many books i ACTUALLY WANT TO READ in my tbr#oh whale 😏😏😏😏#btw just wanna say that im semi joking here#like i am sick an tired of reading the most terrible and basic stories hence why i try to avoid certaim types of books#but also im just here yo have a fucking laff so i dont actually care too much#just wanted to make a silly wee post dhdhdh#le text post
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#cosmo rambles#deleting later#im really sad.#i promise i wont make more posts like this#i lost my cat ive had for 16 years today. im going between misery and feeling nothing and i dont know what to do with myself#i dont wanna be alone with my thoughts but i cant even bring myself to do anything. this is a terrible feeling#i miss her. it was necessary but i miss her. i miss her so much.#i didnt even say goodbye because i couldnt bear to see her#i know its ok to cry but ive cried so much i couldnt sleep because i was dehydrated#what do i do now. is this just going to be how its going to be until i can cope?#im sorry to anyone whos reading this. this is really heavy#animal death#tw: animal death#tw animal death#im going to be ok i promise#but this is really hard. even if i knew it was coming and itd had to happen eventually. she was really sick#we did literally everything we could and more even when we couldnt afford it#on one hand i feel relieved on the other hand i didnt want to lose her#im not coping with this well at all#i dont know if ill ever cope with it well at all. i havent lost a pet in so long
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mmgnngdfnm
#sudden feelings of being Bad and Terrible and horrid and unloveable at 9pm on a tuesday#m heart is beating sofast i need to hide away ive been hiding for the last half hour#im sick im sick im sick im horrible i cant keep a promise im not a good person im not even a person#i want to hold myself and cry but i cant even cry and its so hot im so sweaty and uncomfortable and i wanna cry even more#im sorry im sorry i dont even need to be sharing this#i dont want to die but i dont eant to Be Here and hotlines do shit my therapist appreciate him but he cant do shit if i dont make the effor#t to help myself and i dont becuase im lazy just like my parents always tell me i am and my room is a mess and i havent finished things i#sai d i woulf and i stink because of fucking the weather and testosterone and im immeture and#i cant seem to Grow Up and im fucking dangerous fuck fuck fuck#sorry. sorry sorry sorry#-🦇#obscurus.txt
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what if i wrote the most self indulgent most nasty smut fic ever. what then
#op#i am. considering it#been thinking abt catboy aki in heat all needy idk idk#its nasty because of the images i need to include so i can indulge myself#like hear me out#cumplay. belly bulge. multiple creampies. marathon sex. light breeding/marking. lots and lots of cum.#do you SEE THE VISION!!!!!!!#DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW SICK I AM IN THE HEAD OVER THIS#AAAGDHAAHAGAGAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#it will be afab gn reader insert btw. no gendered language no mention of chests but reader will have a pussy#like i said its self indulgent this is meant for me but ik some of yall wld like this too so#sharing is caring#if i finish this ill post it on here#and mayyyybe on ao3 but id need to make it an anonymous fic bc i dont wanna stick this on my main ao3
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girls when they are trying their best but their best isnt good enough 😔😔
#sagittarius.txt#negative#stopped gaming and the horrors have returned#im just so fuciing pissed off. at the circumstances. in general#bc im stuck sittubg here with these shit ass feelings that no one can jack about until im either old enough to do something about it or#like. idek.#bc itsblike i cant say shit to my parents bc they wont take me seriously and lird knows i dont trust any of the adults at my fucking school#and im not going to make the handful of peiple i CAN talk to more worried about me when they already have atuff going on and they cant do#anything abt what im dealing with#but i dont even WANT to go to anyone because i dont wanna get mad at people when they tell me things i alreadybknow because i KNOW theyre#tryijg to help and they cant do much and its liek GRAH#im justvin such a shit plce bc i want to reach out but i have to do it of my own violition or else i'll just fucking shut down#im like a scared dog. in a cage. and he'll come to u if u just leave him be and let him do his own thing#but like. if im the svared little dog than everyone else is the big scary human who i slowly inch closer to and then suddenly the stick out#their hand right as im near them and then i run right back to where i was before and then we're back at square 1. does this make sense#and its litwrally no ones fault but my own#i just never know how to tell what other people are thinking so i think i project how i feel about myself onto what i thibk others rhing of#me and so i go into every potentially vulnerable conversation with my guard drawn high because im just expecting people to get sick of me#always complaining but never actually trying to better myself#idk man#im normal#i peomise
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Have you ever been assumed to be romantically attracted to someone and even just the thought of that makes you want to throw up . Anybody
#had someone's husband in my dms going on about how i want this bitch romantically and frankly if i hadn't been so busy crying i would've#actually thrown up . absolutely disgusting idea . vile even . horrid concept#anyway tldr im down a best friend because he didn't tell me anything i was doing was wrong after telling me that everything was okay and#then sent his husband after me to call me a creep that was obsessed with him that also apparently tried to make out w him#the same trip that my best friend of five years told me he hated having me in his hometown to see him graduate.#this was after i found out my cat had been murdered and mutilated and thrown in my granma's garden . that day happened to be my birthday#because my ma was kind enough to drive me and my lil brother down there to go see him graduate bc he was also supposed to move in w us the#month after . and he told me right after i got home that he 'didn't think it would be good for our relationship' and apparently#just didn't know how to tell me until a month before it was supposed to happen . bonkers times over here#anyway i didn't want to make out with him . he cried after i wouldn't have sex w him just last december . which i specifically got high as#shit to avoid . and i dont even have like. actual examples of what i was doing wrong to go off of so now i just get to live in mystery#forever ig. like shocker that the person that's been my best friend for five years would tell his husband to say that to me and not say that#shit to me himself . this is a wild to me . i feel like im going insane . can anybody even hear me what's going on#you know its bad when your mama gets so sick of you crying over a friend that she hugs you for the first time in years#also i cant sleep my head hurts . crying is evil . devils liquid . might watch rpdr or something . still nauseous over the idea of being#into him romantically btw . like still nauseous over that . like what a fucking insult to our entire friendship#does saying that we may as well have been made of the same atoms mean like . nothing . does nothing ive said to or about him not mean anythi#ng if its not romantic in nature . what did i do that wasnt enough for him. i fucking told him he outgrew me and that was fine i just#wanted to know if we were still friends or not and he said we were and i believed him. if he told me the sky was green i would make it so#ripping my hair out . am i being dramatic . am i the only person that wasn't expecting this . am i the only one that didn't know#when i had to tell people who knew about the moving plans that he changed his mind the first fucking thing i was told was “i thought it migh#t happen.“ WELL I FUCKINH DIDN'T . AND NOBODY TOLD ME#this is like . the second most humiliating moment of my life . aside from movinggate because at least nobody irl has to know about this#anyway . this boy could've taken my blood and i'd sit there and smile while he did it because he was my best friend .#i was so glad we got to grow up together. i miss him already. im taking my little brother to school my myself for the first time and all im#gonna wanna do is tell him about it . im tired . i want to sleep . im still so nauseous . did none of it mean anything just because ive#never and will never like him romantically. does that make everything less worthy somehow#i hope he never talks to me again. i dont think i could handle this again. he let is fucking husband say that shit to me. not him.#puppmeo misery
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everything sucks so hard rn idk
#mischa isnt eating again all while screaming because shes hungry and pulling every single piece of plastic out of my shelves#all my bags straps and backpacks have saliva stains from her#she will jump into shelves and pull out dvds to lick#and there's no other food i can try#my paycheck lacks 500 euro because i was sick and im still 200 euro in the red after getting my paycheck today#and tomorrow is the tooth surgery and ive been trying to call my dentist because he only applied for 2 of 3 teeth#at my insurance#and these 2 will be over 1k already after my insurance will pay their part#at least the sedation isnt as strong as i thought so i can go home by myself and dont have to rely on any unreliable people#after my mom accused me of making mischa have diarrhea on purpose because the food company changed the recipe and i gave her 1 bag#she hasnt talked to me and im definitely not going to be the one to start a conversation with her because im usually better off without her#so its nice that i dont have to ask her for her assistance tomorrow#just gonna do everything alone like usual#also work is so UUUGGGHHHHH and sucks so hard all my coworkers ignore what i say and just go to other people behind my back to do my job#im stress eating so much all my favorite clothes dont fit anymore and i hate looking in the mirror#i wanna go swimming but i just dont have the energy i just wanna curl up and dont have a body#also i have a comic idea written down for several months now and i wanna finish it for mothers day but i feel so discouraged#wehh#im also so stressed i clawed so much at my face its full of bloody spots i look so bad#every morning my neighbors i dont even share a wall with turn on their super broken washingmachine at 7 am#and it sounds so broken and its so loud it sounds like someone is drilling a hole into the wall for 40 -120 ?>#mins#i haven't been able to sleep properly for like a month#when i go into work everyone is just like oof you dont look good#thanks i know
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Vent.
Its. Not been a great night. I was healed. I was. And a little while ago, i reversed that, and now again and i am. Trying so hard to feel better now. Its over, right? I stopped. I stopped... past tense. Maybe i started again too. Maybe again the night felt terrible, and worse and bad. And maybe it wont even matter, because does it really? And maybe ill feel better and scars will fade and my old scabs will close, finally. After being away from the bugs. Finally. But the cortisol will still flow. And ill remember tonight. And the other night. And when i was 12 and 17 and 19 and 21 and 23. Maybe it cant get better right now. Maybe i cant get better. Maybe ill keep going back to trauma, and ill do this night again. Ill pick back up the push pin. Again. AgAin.
#im actually fucking sick of myself#kinda sick of this wish people would decide they're done with me faster.#bc no wayyyy the people im around actually dont wanna cut me off bc im negative and toxic and anti recovery#everything they said. bc do i respect boundaries? i have been told i dont. which is what matte4s#not what i think. not my intention. what matters is all the shit I've brought onto people i loved#and ruined.#system babbles#im just legit not. a good person#idk man i wont spend time arguing. im literally disgusting and cruel and selfish#im hateful and impatient and mean. im so FUCKING mean like literally i need to fucking actually be stopped#because no what is actually wrong with me#ohhh my misophonia makes me want to attack my bestie bc she can't. breathe quietly?? hey man like actually fuck you she has a disability.#i literally cant fucking stand this about myself like ohhhh oh you're suffering so much ohhh poor bitch!!! shes the one that cant BREATHE an#d i sit there and ahake from rage.#vent#do not rb#inthrum
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Honestly, my abuser saying Louis was just as bad as Lestat or basically implying they hate how people write Lestat off as more abusive than he is or that Louis was just as abusive was a red flag I should've put a lot more stock into.
#The guy was Empathizing with a capital E.#God hold me back cuz I LAUGH at them. Abuser all weh u..abused me..cuz...u called me stupid and annoying when I wouldn't let u leave me#after ur 30239929292th attempt#Youre abusive cuz...u made me feel so unloved when you kept trying to leave me! :'(((#LMAOAOOA yeah if thats abuse then slap my ass and call me sally cuz ill always try to leave you#You fuckin insane psychopath. constantly putting damn words in my mouth and telling ME what i ACTUALLY mean#you dont care about anything i have to say. you need to be the one slighted to justify why you feel so offended 24/7.#dude u wanna be a fucking victim so bad then fuckin be my guest u fuckin miserable sick sad sack of absolute dog shit#always calling me a liar and putting me on the podium to state my case infinite times till you hammered me into gaslighting myself#to support your interpretation. go to hell.#you are chronically miserable for a reason. and you will NEVER find reprieve in that. EVER. just as you deserve.#YOU made me start therapy because of the CONSTANT confusion and emotional trauma i endured with you.#YOU made me cry all the time at work.#YOU gave me chest pains and difficulty breathing. just seeing YOUR DAMN NAME on my phone gave me panic attacks#YOU did so much FUCKED UP SHIT to me and you NEVER ACCEPTED ANY REALITY BUT ME HURTING YOU ON PURPOSE#you literally tell me 24/7 i dont care about you and i would drop THOUSANDS of dollars on you#AND FUCKIN WATCH UR SHOWS 3 TIMES IN A ROW#AND CALL AND TEXT U EVERY NIGHT. SIT AND HELP YOU PREP FOR JOB INTERVIEWS.#I DREW UR DAMN OC SO OFTEN HE PRACTICALLY BECAME MY MOST DRAWN CHARACTER#I DID SO MUCH TO SHOW U I CARED. BE IT GIFTS. MONEY. BE IT TIME. BE IT HELPING IN#UR VTUBING CAREER U WANTED TO START.#BE IT SPENDING NIGHTS SOMETIMES TILL 6AM JUST MAKING SURE YOU'RE OKAY.#I JUST. DID. SO. FUCKING. MUCH. IT WAS NEVER ENOUGH FOR YOU. I HOPE YOU DIE. SUFFER. BURN IN HELL.#I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I WILL NEVER STOP HATING YOU.#I GAVE YOU SO MUCH. I WAS HAPPY TO TOO. WHAT A FOOL I WAS. NOTHING I DID WAS EVER ENOUGH. YOU ALWAYS HAD TO FUCKIN COMPARE#OR GET JEALOUS WHEN I SPENT ONE SECOND WITH ANYONE ELSE#U NEEDED TO GRILL ME FOR EVERYTHING#ASK WHO I WAS WITH#NEEDED TO KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING JUST IN CASE IT WAS SOMEONE YOU DIDNT LIKE#UR FUCKIN ABSURD. UR INSANE. ROT IN HELL. FUCKIN GET TORN APART DOWN THERE. I HOPE YOU SUFFER. I WANT TO WATCH. I WILL LAUGH.
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vent thingy
#im so sick of everything- is it so wrong that i just want someone to directly ask me shit?#or like directly ask what i might want and let me have any agency???? this month i just keep consistently having others constantly making#choises and decisions for me when i can do that myself! i just want to actually have a fucking say in anything! fuck#like i know friends care for me and brother cares for me but fuck if i just want them to actually ask what i want??????#thats all i want. thats it. i want them to actually just fucking ask insted of assuming and choosing for me.#i hate hate just everyone constantly trying to choose stuff for me on whats my best interest#i dont want to be pressured to not go to collage one year and then be pressured to go the next#i dont wanna have random things i dont even like gotten for me because people think i might like them#i just dont want anything! is that wrong? i just want to be treated like my own person and asked things!#if you wanna do smth for me ask! i will try to fucking find something! i just want to be a part of it if its for me! i dont want fucking#suprizes i hate suprizes i like when things are actually asked and planned when everyone fucking consents im sick of all of this#i dont even want the yogurt pretzles anymore even just thinking of them makes me want to hurl now cause i didnt! get! any! say!!!!#and fuck i just dont want any food! i dont want any in the house! i dont care i dont care if i starve at this point i dont fucking care any#more i cant keep fucking doing this i cant both bend over backwards to try and comfort others and be under this fucking much#fuck i havent even been able to tell my partner becaude theres been too much happening in his life- and i dont want it to worry or dote over#me i dont want anyone doing any worrying for me anymore its god#i dont know i feel bad for being ungrateful but im not in a mental state for this stuff#i just want to have a say in anything. anything at all that could actually affect me in a way bigger than the smallest shit
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#not gonna be specific#but like#i think this is the first time ive been really genuinely victimized#edit: no thats not true its just the first time ive been really genuinely victimized in this particular way#and like. i dont wanna say no one talks about it maybe im just not paying attention#but it's like. insane. that there's harm that's done to you that you genuinely cant do anything about#and then you're expected to keep going. because it's not like taking time to yourself can change anything#like im a person who's usually really. uh. solution oriented i guess#i dont like wallowing#but there's literally nothing i can do and i can't make myself feel better#and i can't get myself to do my fucking symbolic logic work#btw if u have my discord this isnt an invitation to contact me abt it im like sick to death of thinking and talking about it#but what the fuck else can i do
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Man I've gotta be mean more often Im so sick of being polite abt bigotry I should just start killing ppl fr
#rat rambles#Im tired of babysitting ignorant ppl Im tired of trying to be nice abt shit someone needs to give me a gun#Im tired of trying to be presentable towards ppl who are on the fense abt shit Im tired of sanitising myself#I wanna reclaim slurs I wanna be angry I want to be loud I want to just yell at ppl that they Should be uncomfortable they Should be upset#you Shouldnt let ppl live in bliss you Should feel targeted when I call out your bullshit because I Am talking abt you fucking get over it#I have been teaching and guiding and explaining for as long as I remember and Im So Fucking Sick Of It#but someone has to. if I can get even one person to support us in a way that matters I have to.#I mean I dont. but I want to. except I also dont because its miserable and it fucking kills me to do. but I couldnt live with myself if I#didnt so here I fucking am.#I just want to be angry without guilt for once in my fucking life. I deserve to be. Im tired of pretending Im not.#goddddd Im so fucking mad rn Im sorry but also Im not but yknow.#I just wanna be more confident abt myself in like every regard like I hate how long its taken me to feel allowed to call myself mexican#yknow. a thing I am and always have beem#like I am still also white for sure and was raised in a very white enviorment but that doesnt stop me from being mexican#and Im allowed to reclaim slurs and Im allowed to defend myself from bigotry and Im allowed to be fucking angry abt it#Im allowed to exist as I am. I thought I had gotten to that point a long time ago but Ive been realising that I rly havent.#rat rants#rat vents#ok anyways. I should rly go to bed now lol#Ill probably be feeling better tomorrow but dont let that make you think my burning rage is gone lol#whatever gn gamers
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