#because i have trauma around people yelling at me for stupid shit that doesn't matter

[lyriumrain]

I do genuinely still find overwatch enjoyable (unfortunately), but goddamn. Every single play session there's someone having a meltdown, or being edgy, or blaming everyone else for the match going poorly. I KNOW that's just the nature of online games but jeez louise.... What in tarnation is going on with these people, i just dont comprehend this "main character syndrome" where you're a perfect angel that can do no wrong and everyone is deliberately scheming your downfall or some shit

[boldlygoingtohell]

In a weird way, as a Jew, I can kinda take Normal Antisemitism™️.

I mean, I understand where right-wing racists are coming from when it comes to their antisemitism. At the end of the day, theirs just comes from fear, replacement theory, etc… It’s easily identifiable. 2+2=4. Yea its shitty, but I see how they got from A to B and it’s a straight line.

But left-wing antisemitism?? Like, how does that happen? I thought the left was about supporting minority groups, encouraging them to speak and be heard. But all I’m seeing from leftists these days (I myself being super fucking liberal, left, etc…) is just waves and waves of antisemitism. And yes it has to do with Israel, but these people are incapable of criticizing the Israeli government without going “all Jews are responsible!” in the process. It's infuriating.

Are all the the world’s Jews, millions of which live OUTSIDE of Israel, now responsible for Israel’s actions? I'M a stupid American! I’ve never even BEEN to Israel, much less know the intricate details of a geo-political conflict whose complexities go willfully unlearned by armchair activists in favor of yelling in all caps for 140 characters.

But what really gets me, and I mean REALLY get me about the whole situation, is the hypocrisy.

Remember how awful it was when we saw waves of Islamophobic hate crimes after 9/11, American Muslims with no ties to al-Qaeda being targeted for the faith those terrorists claimed to represent?

Or do you remember standing against the wave of anti-Asian hate crimes that was spurned on by COVID falsehoods? The “China virus” as Trump so eloquently put it? You remember being pissed about that, not blaming Asian Americans but standing with them against hate?

And hell, I’ve heard there has been a rash of Islamophobic attacks again because of the Israeli-Gaza conflict. That’s fucking awful, and I will stand against that bull shit because it does not belong here, end of story.

But now there are also antisemitic attacks, hate crimes, being perpetrated around the world. And who are the perpetrators now? The left that stood against everything else. There's no widespread ally-ship for Jews like me. There's no sweeping social media campaign, no catchy hashtag, no ice bucket challenge.

Why am I allowed to be condemned for what a country on the other side of the world is doing, when I have nothing to do with it? Why can I have the finger pointed at me when I don’t want the fighting in the first place? Why must Jews be allowed to be the target of this ire when it's already been decided that other ethnicities/religions don't deserve it either?

Now, I am PROUD to be Jewish; it is my culture, in my heritage, in my literal blood. It is in my genetics, my bones, my spoken language, it is in the holidays I celebrate, the philosophies I live by.

But it is also in the generational trauma of my mother insisting I have a passport as a young child, not because we were traveling, but in case we had to flee. It is in her inherent distrust of the government; a card-carrying Democrat all her life, she would always remind me, "if you don't think the government can't turn on you, you're kidding yourself." It is her constant reminders that as a Jew, our assimilation is conditional, our acceptance is political. I felt these, but never as strongly as she did. Not until now.

I am third generation American, and yet I feel like an outsider in the only country I have ever known. People who I thought understood, who were my friends, who marched with me against the injustices of the world, are now calling after Jews to answer for Israel's actions.

I say I don't want the violence to persist and I'm told that I'm, "one of the good ones". I'm told hurt Israelis don't deserve sympathy because, "all Jews are rich anyway, right? Who cares." I tell them my fears about the rising antisemitism and wearing my star of david necklace out. I'm told, "it doesn't matter, you're white anyway."

For the first time in my life, the racists aren't just some crazy KKK members. They're not just Nazis marching around with beer bellies and ill fitting helmets. It's not just some screeching street preacher who claims I'm going to hell after he caught the glint off my star of david necklace. If needs be, I can kick and punch my way out of those. They're just idiots. Isolated, concentrated incidents. It'd be a good story to tell at a bar the next day though a gap-toothed smile and a sling on my shoulder.

But now, both sides are coming after me and my people. Now, it's not just idiots who have all of their views backwards; it's people I thought I could trust to have my back, to go down swinging with me against those Nazis. Right. Left. It's everywhere. There's no escape.

It's coming from all sides. It's coming from social media platforms, from dinners with friends, from posters on street lamps.

I live in one of the safest, most Jewish neighborhoods in America, and for the first time in my life I am truly scared.

[katzenklavierr]

TBH I've had a much better time in Online Fandom by letting myself be annoyed by petty shit that doesn't matter and just simply... not bothering people who do like it, because clearly they get something out of it I don't.

Like, for example, I don't really care for like 95% of self-insertion/self-shipping fan content, even sometimes OC-insertion, depending on context (e.g., a set narrative vs a social sim). I've had the appeal explained to me by people who do like it, but I just can't get into it. At best, I'm indifferent, but really, I just don't like it the majority of the time. I don't really have a "good reason" for it other than it doesn't vibe with how I personally prefer to engage w fiction.

And I think that's fine. I don't really feel like I should have to justify it anymore than someone else should have to justify why they do. I just simply filter or ignore those kind of fanworks when I come across them.

I think it's kind of unreasonable to expect enthusiastic support for all manner of fanworks and fandoms. Like, sometimes you just see something and you think it's stupid or cliche or out-of-character or gross or <insert negative adjective here>, and that's fine. It doesn't mean you hate people who like it, it just means it's Not For You. Rather than feign positivity or make up a reason why it's actually morally repugnant or whatever, you can simply be a hater in private, or, if you do express your negative opinion publicly, do so in a general sort of way that doesn't shit on anyone's parade.

There's a difference btwn saying "I don't like this" in your own post, as I've done here, and like... expressing that in the comments section of a post explicitly by and for people who do. Like, mentioning to your friend, who may or may not like cats, that you don't really like being around them, compared to walking into a cat-lovers convention with an "I HATE CATS" t-shirt and yelling at passerbys. Maybe you have cat-related trauma, or a cat allergy, or maybe you just think they're annoying. It doesn't really matter. You're not obligated to like them, it just depends on how you go about it.

(Obvs I'm not talking about things that cause real harm, I would be here for ages trying to dissect the nuances of that, I'm talking about innocuous shit that you'd have to reach pretty far to call "problematic" or "irredeemable" like crossover AUs or fancharacters or pronoun headcanons or whatever.)

[oncetherenowhere]

I wish I had one big problem. Something neat and tidy, that I could wrap up in a bow, and present to my therapists as The Reason. Here's why I struggle. Isn't it lovely, how cohesive it is? Doesn't it all make sense? The flow chart of my trauma goes from A to B! Not A, to Q, to R, to T, to B, to 27. Maybe then, I'd find someone who understands.

Or maybe not. It's not like society is kind to people who have One Big Trauma either. It's never as simple as that, and I know it, but still...

I feel like that's how society would prefer to see trauma. Just One Bad Thing. Even if it is a million bad things, as long as there's a theme, as long as it makes SENSE, then others understand it, to whatever degree they're capable of doing so. They're happy.

Hah. No they aren't. Nobody is. Even for those with traumas "easy to understand," they get the shit kicked out of them. There's no easy way to have trauma, no easy way to experience it- and I hope that isn't what's taken from what I'm writing. I'm talking about outside perception, and specifically from my own experiences and point of view.

See, when I've tried to explain my life to professionals, they cock their heads. I tell them my parents were abusive- okay, they get that. I tell them I was bullied- okay, they get that. I tell them I didn't have a single grown up or authority figure who cared about me as a kid, and their brows start to furrow. Not teachers? Not a doctor? Nope. Surely there was someone? No. That's why I'm here.

I tell them I was harassed for dating 'other girls,' I tell them I'm autistic and so are my brothers, I tell them I've questioned my gender from a young age- their heads spin. It's too much. It isn't cohesive.

I once dated a girl who had "too many disorders." She had the "audacity" to talk about them, even make jokes. Everyone hated her for it. It blew my mind. She had a lot going on, and was struggling, but because it was "too much" and "too many," nobody believed her, nobody sympathized. I still can't wrap my head around that, despite being in her shoes, despite hearing it over and over again. If you don't have problems of that caliber, and you hear someone talking about it, why is your first reaction disgust?

It feels like nobody has empathy, or sympathy.

When I was growing up, I held fast and firm to the belief that no matter what, people were good. Everyone had a spark of goodness inside of them. I promised myself over and over again to keep hope, to not grow cynical.

These days, the cynicism claws at my heart. I fight it constantly. I don't want to feel that way. I still want to have hope, to believe in the goodness of humanity, but do you know how fucking hard that is when you can count the kindness you've been extended on one hand?

I wish I had One Big Problem, and not 27 years of constant pushing and yelling and screaming.

I wish it wasn't childish to wish that people were kind, and that life was fair.

Some days, my brain feels like it's on fire. Why can't my therapist understand? I've seen so many therapists over the past decade. SO many. None of them seemed to get it. I once broke down sobbing in frustration in a session, and the therapist just...stared at me, without a word. She was quiet until the end of the session. Didn't talk to me again.

I want this therapist to work. I don't want to go through the song and dance again.

I've been trying. I do the self help, I take hard looks at myself, I see therapists, I take medication- I treat myself like a fucking pet. I make sure I eat well. I make sure I sleep as well as I can. I force myself to take showers, and brush my teeth, do the chores, I take stupid fucking walks, fuck, I even try to do yoga when I can, I meditate, and-

And it helps. I can't sit here and lie, it does all help. If I didn't tire myself out taking care of myself, I'd be worse off, and I know it.

I guess I just wish it would fix me.

I used to be an optimist. Did you know that? During the worst points of my life, I looked on the bright side. I had to, to survive.

Now, I'm here, and life is good, and my optimism feels like a cage. I still speak the words, but they feel grayscale, no longer bursting with color. I can't be outwardly cynical; nobody wants to hear that, and it isn't helpful. I've designed my whole life around being as unassuming and inoffensive as possible, I can't possibly be unpleasant.

FUCK this feels good. This feels so good to write down.

I don't vent to others; I can't. Nobody wants to hear this. But I can type it here, and I can post it, and poof, its out there, my little message in a bottle. Like I said a month ago, when I first started this blog, if no one ever reads this, I wouldn't mind. It just feels so good to get it out in the open, and not trapped in a journal I won't touch for months.

It takes a little weight off my back. It feels good. I can't hurt anyone by venting by just being an anonymous face on a website past its prime (no offense).

[abbynx]

How to have a relationship with Panacotta Fugo

Genre: Headcanons

Warning: Language, mentions of trauma, emotional outbursts

A/N: I love him, your honour. Also listen to "Break your heart" by Taoi Cruz

- So falling in love... It takes quite a lot for him to even develop some sort of connection with you, seeing as how he continually disprove and chastise Giorno for making the smallest of mistakes in part 5, I don't see why he wouldn't do that to others as well.

- So early stages of relationships involved him being dismissive of you and being indifferent, but that's just him being him. He doesn't like you, nor does be dislike you— his treatment remain the same. We will not hesitate to put a fork in your flesh while yelling myriads of Italian profanities at you... Sooo yikes 😬

- BUT DON'T GET ME WRONG! He can be somewhat nice if things aren't busy around the mafioso gig, ya know? He can be calm and patient and have more grasp of his patience, he can be chatty about the recent things he has learned and discuss it thoroughly. It is a sporadic side of him that's always a sight to see because he isn't clenching his jaw nor clutching a fist.

- I think it's the pure-hearted and dedicated that makes him fall. Those who persevere through hardships and coming up with unconventional solutions that oddly work in their favour and just enduring challenges life throws at them. Those who refused to be reduced into adjectives uttered by those who doubted them, in fact it only makes them do better and in spite, prove them wrong. I mean... That's how Fugo finally warmed up to Giorno.

- So... In terms of starting to pursue him romantically requires a lot of preparations. Such as getting close to him (not necessarily physically, he doesn't really fare well to it yet just sayin').

- Befriending him is tricky because ya know, he has a general distrust towards people due of the encounters he had in the past. Hence, what you're going to do is to just let it happen, let it naturally develop. Slow process, baby steps, testing the waters and all that.

- Remember when I said there's a sporadic side of him that adores talking about academics? Don't waste your opportunities, go talk to him about it. It doesn't matter about how little you know about astrophysics, quantum physics, Hunchback of Notre Dam or any of the math science literature history art shit he is into, making it known that you're interested in talking to him and listening to him will make him like you. This will make him want to talk to you more and then suddenly the next thing you know, he no longer side-eyes you chastisingly... Too much.

- Then the conversations will start to drift into more than the academics, but your personal experiences; He'd be sharing moments that happened whilst he hung out with his friends, how stupid Narancia is with the math no matter how many times Fugo stresses the answers, how he warmed up to the newbie Giorno, how Mista was on and on about the number four, how he looks up to Bruno etc etc... He shares them to laugh with you, perhaps express his frustrations and to be frank, he's never felt better to vocalize it to someone who would listen and chime in to ask some clarification. That way, he can also analyse and think about he has done, reflect and just see it in other's point of view.

- The more he gets closer with you, the more he trusts you and soon, the personal experiences evolves to his personal life, where you get some tidbits from his childhood. He'd drop some small info about his past, how he brought up the amount of pressure he had in the family, how young he was, how strong his urges to get his hands on a potentially fatal weapon to dispose of his parents whenever he'd see them... He's been through hell and back, dragged by the hair by life and it's nice to tell someone about that he had to go through.

- So with this bond formed, whenever he needed to cool off after smashing his fist on the wall, he'd find you and you'd be there softly tending to his bleeding hands and listening as he rants away. He really didn't need to be angry to be going to you, he genuinely enjoys your company and doesn't mind spending a whole day with you, just hanging out and whatnot... He realised how he liked your presence so much, he'd get a wee bit antsy if you're not around, finding himself quite a bit irritable because of it.

"Hi Panacotta!"

"Oh! Y/N! Come sit with us! I have a new riddle for you!"

Both Mista and Narancia can only stare in disbelief at how brief the extent of rage Fugo has suddenly evaporating at the sight of you. Then they smiled, having been caught up with the tension between you two.

- But then a revelation came to him... How joyful he is whenever he'd see you and how he'd instantly light up no matter what he's been feeling... How you can get away from his constant scrutiny and how you always receive praises from him... He believed it was a natural thing between close bonds, but he knows how close bonds are thanks to his friends and this feeling with you is certainly different...

"Oh... OH—!"

- Congrats! You made the Panacotta Fugo madly in love with you! A round of applause for Y/N L/N for being a powerful being 🥳🎉🎊

- You'd think this is the end of it but no we're just warming up *cracks fingers*

- He's going to deny it to himself that he was feeling this way, even chastising himself for feeling such a thing. He thinks that him falling in love with you will only bestow you a curse. What if he accidentally unleashes his anger out on you? What if he loses control and hurts you?

"I'm worthless. They deserve someome who treats them like a deity, not a therapist."

- By some miracle, he wasn't catching onto your body language and figuring out that you're in love with him too. So let's say you confessed.

So there you were, spilling your heart out for him, shed a few tears or two, with nothing to lose. He short-circuits. This revelation uncovered feelings about you made him over think about a lot of things. Sure, you feel the same way as he does but...

"I'm sorry Y/N but... I can't accept your feelings."

- Your close bond became nonexistent the moment your feelings were made known to him. He distanced himself in hopes of losing you and resulting you to find someone else better. All that bonding, all that depth, all that trust, all that friendship, disappearing in a mere flash. All of the sudden, you were a stranger again.

- If you made any attempts to approach him, he would be quick to make an escape. If you chose to leave him one, prolong the amount of doubts you have for your relationship and question yourself if you'd done something bad to warrant this behaviour of his will only give him a temporary 'relief' of sorts. Sure it hurts to see you hurting, because of him no less. But in his eyes, he sees this as a better alternative to whatever bullshit he'll give you because of his stupid feelings.

- But if you decided to confront him, or more like corner him, perhaps figuratively and literally, I think he'd snap at you. On full volume, pitch on peak of cracking and breaking, tone angry, words damaging.

- He'd say hurtful things about himself and how he's not worth your time, that you should just leave him alone and such... And in his deep state of neck-deep emotions the tears cascading from his eyes didn't register to him until he realised he need to breathe.

- What remains of the fiery rage that built up within him is in a pile of ashes, then suddenly there goes the emotional downpour.

"I-I'm sorry Y/N I—" God he felt pathetic crying in front of you. And he was at fault, why was he the one crying? Why was he on his knees? "Please... Forgive me..."

- Then you'd be there, keeping your distance out of respect for his lack of desire for physical touch, but you were there to offer him a handkerchief. And as he is in the floor bawling, you were there, calmly rebutting the things he said about himself.

- I think he has too much emotional, psychological things to work through before having a relationship. Such as overcoming his extreme self-loathing, work on his anger issues, get over his past and such.

He loves you, he really does. But he doesn't think he's ready for a relationship. It's the lack of self-esteem that was stopping him, why he avoided you and he was very apologetic about it. He has emotional intelligence to be aware that he is not ready for this sorts of commitment

- So you were there, at a distance but still there comforting him, when he suddenly pulls you, his face against your torso and his tears on your clothes, as he profusely apologizes.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to avoid you like that... Please know I'm avoiding you for your own good, but as it turns out I'm just afraid... Afraid of what I might do to you..."

"Like hurting me?" He nods, his face still against you. He flinches at the slightest when your hand lands on his shoulders, but doesn't move an inch. Your fingers finds its ways in his nape, playing with his hair. "Oh Panacotta... I know you won't hurt me. In fact, I feel safe with you."

- There's no relationship happening between the two of you, at least not yet. Fugo promised that once he's ready, he'll be with you. You wouldn't mind, won't you? You'd be by his side, supporting him in every step.

- It takes long, he gets the thought about him being too slow, only for you to reassure him that you're patient and that he should take his time. He feels nothing but comfort and security in your presence and he works through his issues and learns how to control himself.

- The issue-sorting was quite lengthy, but in the end it was all worth it when he was finally ready. So there really is a happy ending for our boy right here.

[devinescribe]

Burnt Out

Bitches... (1, I love you all very much. 2, .... read 1) it's time for some angst...

And the start of me making poly relationship things-

Request away lol (I'm working on a request and small project chapters :) )

Warnings: Toxic Relationship, mentions scars, burns, Manga spoilers, swearing, emotionally abusive behavior, mentally abusive behavior, gaslighting(?) Let me know if I missed any!

You giggled as both men chased after you through the halls of the hotel. "(Y/N), you're wearing socks! You're going to- shit!" Niragi yelled after you, cursing when he saw you fall. You slipped down the stairs. You landed with a thud at the bottom. Tears filled your eyes at the pain, but you swallowed them back, standing up. You yelped, falling back to the floor. Chishiya stared down at you, kneeling besides you,  squeezing your leg. "Ow! Shi-Shi, hurts," you whined, slapping his hand away. He glared up at you. "Maybe don't be stupid next time. I'm just trying to help you," he scoffed, going back to trying to find out what was wrong. "You don't have to be so mean to he-" "Shut up. You're dumber than her, you're the whole reason this happened anyways." He felt people stare, and stopped. "Take her back up to our room. I'll figure out what's wrong there," Chishiya stated, getting up, and walking away. You expected Niragi to yell after him, or repremand him for something, but we're met by silence. "Gi-Gi, you ok?" You whispered as he picked you up softly. He pressed a quick kiss to your forehead nodding.

"Niragi... this isn't the way back to our room," you said, noticing he was taking you the opposite way. "Clever girl," he praised with a smile. You laughed at his words. "I'm taking you to Ann. She has more equipment to help you. I'll get Chishiya after I take you to her though," he explained. You nodded.

_______________________________________

"And then it was like bam, then woosh, and like... wow!!" You exclaimed, trying to find the words to explain your game. Niragi laughed, patting the top of your head. "Sounds fun sweetheart. Tell me all about it after I take a shower," he said. You nodded with a smile, sitting on the edge of your bed. Chishiya had been on the bed, listening to your rambling. "Chishiya, I think it was really cool how you tried to-" you started. "Gods you're loud. Quiet down. And I know. I'm clever, after all. Neither of you would be here without me. Probably dead," he lectured. "But Chishiya, Niragi and I survived without you before we came to the Beach, remember? We were t-" you started, confused at his words. "I get it, he's your favorite out of us both! You make it so fucking obvious. I bet the only reason you wanted both of us is because you're an attention whore who needs multiple men to use her to feel good about herself. Shut up and let me sleep," he shouted. Tears filled your eyes as he turned away from you. Had you really shown favoritism? You didn't try to, if you had. You always made sure you tried to do things with both. Was he feeling left out? Is that why he was being a jerk?

Those were all thoughts running through your mind, not knowing that you weren't the problem. You had spent equal time with both, giving them equal attention. Chishiya just never wanted you around him.

_______________________________________

"(Y/N), come with me. Now," Chishiya ordered. Ten of Hearts. That was tonight's game. And you were terrified. He had pulled you away before anything got to out of hand. You thought that maybe he was trying to be nice. Maybe he had finally come around? Had you given him enough attention? "W-where's Niragi?" You asked, jogging to catch up with him. "Don't worry about him let's go."

You followed him around the whole time, watching as his hands quickly grabbed items. ''What are you making?" You asked, hoping he didn't snap at you. You feared his response. "Something to beat the game with. If you can't bring the witch to the fire, bring the fire to the witch," he said. You sighed in relief. He didn't yell at you, and you were happy about it. "Ok... so... you know who the witch is?" You questioned. "I have a hunch. Now stop asking questions," he stated. "So annoying..." you heard him mutter. You frowned, keeping your lips shut.

Following him up the stairs, you kept to yourself. You knew he wouldn't care about your thoughts. He might yell at you, or call you annoying. You didn't want to make him angry... He was just trying to protect you, right?

"Niragi!" You shouted happily, seeing he was at the rooftop. He wasn't dead. He looked over at you with a smirk. "Ah, so he did keep you safe. Where were you hiding?" He asked, picking up his gun from the floor. "There's many places for me to hide," Chishiya responded. You tried walking towards Niragi, but Chishiya grabbed your sleeve. You tugged at his hand, trying to get away. "Let me go," you said, struggling against him. "No."

The next few minutes went in a blur. All you remember was Chishiya and Niragi arguing a bit back and forth. You were so overwhelmed already, the game getting to you, and now your lovers were fighting. Cards flying, fire, screaming. You couldn't tell if it was your own scream or Niragi's, but it didn't matter.

"C-chishiya what the hell?! W-what?!" You yelled, shaking, stepping back from him. "Hmm... guess he wasn't the witch then,'' he stated, dropping the homemade flamethrower to the ground. He started picking up the cards on the floor. You however tried taking deep breaths, trying to calm yourself. You couldn't. Tears slipped off your face, hands scratching you your arms. You couldn't scream, couldn't talk, couldn't move. It was like you were living in a nightmare.

_______________________________________

There was more instances, of course, but you were so done with everything. Niragi was still alive, to your relief. After all that, he was alive. And that's all that mattered to you. Chishiya had been with you, and still was. Understandably, you were scared of him. Niragi was angry at him, but couldn't do anything about it.

"Look, just tell me I'm right, and we're fine," Chishiya stated bored of the conversation. Both you and Niragi were so tired of this. The constant fighting, gaslighting, and hateful words. Chishiya was just too prideful to admit he was wrong.

It was a relationship between you three. You and Niragi shouldn't be putting in all the work, while he didn't try. At the begin he had. He had tried to be a part of the relationship, giving you both kisses and hugs. Random bouts of energy at 3 am to go to a random room. It had all started slowly going down hill. He pushed you both away, but didn't want to leave. He never left, giving you hope that maybe he really loved you both, and just didn't know how to express it. He had told you about his parents, and you just always tried to excuse his behavior as his trauma, but it just got to a point where you couldn't anymore.

"You're right," you started. You saw him smirk, and continued. "We couldn't fix you," you said. Suddenly he wasn't so sure of where this was going. "You're right, we shouldn't have tried to. Your pride is what you're concerned about?" Niragi said. He was tired of dealing with this as well. All he wanted was to find someone who actually cared about him, and who showed it. He didn't want to be with someone who made him feel alone. You didn't make him feel alone... "I'm still right, he wo-" Chishiya started, getting ready to argue back and forth with you two until you finally gave into him. But that wasn't going to happen today.

"Is "you're right" really all you wanna hear right now?" You whimpered, sitting on your knees next to Niragi.

"Well, you're right, we should've walked away faster... should've know You would only break our hearts after we were already in love," You whispered. You were all hurt. Niragi had severe burns, and bullet wounds, Chishiya had bullet wounds as well. You had burns on your arms and legs, cuts and bruises adorned your (s/c) skin. Most of which Chishiya had caused when he put you in danger at games for his own gain. Or when he needed to test one of the weapons he made, you were his test subject. "Yeah, I guess I'm just not good enough for either of you then. All you two do is act scared of me like I'm the bad guy-"

"You're right, you aren't good enough," Niragi stated angrily, caughing up blood after. He winced in pain at the sudden movement. You felt tears fill your eyes, and shook them away. ''I kissed your scars even after you hurt me, and he held your hand, even when you fucking burned him-" you shouted angrily. "Do you know how embarrassing that was?" Niragi whispered, his voice hoarse and raspy.

"Oh, because it's all my fault?"

"Yeah! That's exactly what we're saying! When was the last time you actually tried acting like you liked us?"

''She's right. You agreed to be with us. This is just fucking embarrassing to be with somebody who hates us, and doesn't even try to hide it."

"I don't hate you two I-"

"Liar."

"We hoped things got better, we hoped that love could turn a monster into a man," you stated, getting angrier by him trying to defend himself. "But it doesn't and it won't

Because you're beyond repair

But there is still someone for her somewhere, who will treat her so nice, you'll wish that you did-" Niragi retorted to his words. He didn't hate you both? He sure did a horrible job at showing it. Niragi knew he would die with his injuries. You would live. You could find someone who would treat you better than either of them could. "For someone so smart you're so fucking stupid to think that we're really that dumb..." you interrupted Niragi. He was losing energy, and anytime he coughed you could tell it was so painful to him. "We love you, but we're done... Pretending this was gonna work... Pretending loving you didn't hurt... Pretending that it doesn't burn when you think you're always right..." Niragi ended. Those words were hard for him to say, and hard for you to realize. You three had just been pretending this was going to work after Chishiya started pushing you two away. You two tried so hard to stay with him, and tried so hard to fit all three of you together, that you didn't realize how much staying fucking hurt.

" 'Cause you're still stuck on your past...You hate him so much but you're just like your dad!!" You screamed, shouting the first thing that came to mind. It hurt him. That was a first. The first time someone's words hurt him. And you, (Y/N), his sweet (Y/N), said them. You could see the shock written all over his face when you said them, and it made you feel a bit bad. Niragi was secretly proud of you, but focused on the situation at hand. Tears feel from your eyes, and you cursed yourself. "(Y/N), I- I'm- I can't... I-" Chishiya stammered. For once, he was at a loss for words. You and Niragi had made him happy. He didn't feel alone with you two, and that scared him. So he tried to push you both away, scared of hurting either of you, but I'm the end, he hurt you more than he meant to. He tried, he really tried at the beginning, the feeling of being together with you two bringing him the feeling of love, understanding, and happiness he'd never felt. But he ruined that. He hurt himself in this instance, he hurt the people he loved, making them scared of him. He realized you were right. He was turning out to be just like his father. He didn't want that. He wanted to wake up, this was surely a nightmare. He would wake up and you would be squished in between him and Niragi. You would be playing with his hair, talking about your dream. You wouldn't be scared of him, and you would all be back at the beach. Like the 10 of hearts never happened. But he knew that was wishful thinking. This was real, and this was happening. Everything he used to laugh about people worrying about was happening to him right now. This was his karma. It had finally caught up to him.

"And I know, that you tried...Gave it all that you had," you whispered through tears. No. He couldn't let the one thing that made him happy slip through his fingers. But... he had to let you go. You wanted to leave. Niragi wanted to leave. It would be cruel to both of you to make you stay. So he stayed quiet. Did you really think he tried? That made him feel a tiny bit better. You thought he tried. That he tried to make things work. "And being a monster doesn't necessarily make you bad..." Niragi added quietly. He was a monster. The words he had said to not only you, but Niragi could back that up. Not just his words either. His actions. He was a horrible person to both of you. Why did he expect both of you to stay with him, when neither of you had anymore energy to put into the relationship.

"But...even if we could staple it back together now... we all know that you can't light a fire that's already burnt out," Chishiya whispered. You both looked up, shocked he was agreeing with you. Was he crying? Neither you nor Niragi had ever seen him cry. Niragi chuckled a bit, not at the fact that Chishiya was crying, but at the fact that this was what it took for him to care. "Fuck... it hurts," Chishiya muttered with a laugh. "My injuries hurt less than losing both of you... fuck... I-"

He was interrupted by a voice. The games were over. "Oh my gods... we can go home! I reject citizenship in the borderlands," you said. "Same. I don't want to stay here. Fuck that," Niragi stated. "I also reject citezenship of the borderlands. This is like a personal hell..." Chishiya muttered. A bright light obstructed your vision.

You walked on crutches into their hospital room with a smile. " 'M back!" You chirped. You had all been in an accident, as a lot of people that were currently in the hospital were. You didn't know why, but the seemed so familiar. You liked being around them, and constantly visited them. "Ah, finally a pleasant noise to hear," the blonde man complemented. You could hear the teasing tone directed towards the other man in the room. "I can't really help it can I? So... shaddup..." the other muttered. "My nurse told me... that my heart stopped... for a minute," you mentioned, sitting in a chair in between their beds careful to not hurt your legs more. They had burns and scars, nothing tho serious. "What a coincidence. Us too," Chishiya said. You nodded, humming in acknowledgement. "I um... I also... get released tomorrow..." you said sadly. "That's great (Y/N). You can head back to your home," Niragi said. You shook your head. "I wanna stay. I don't know why, but you two seem familiar to me. And... I want to know why... it feels like...I don't know how to explain it..." you stated. "I... I've felt that as well," Chishiya admitted. "Ok, good I'm not crazy then," Niragi joked, coughing slightly after. "Well... how about I come visit everyday until you both get released... then we can figure out why? Or get to know each other more? It feels like... I've loved you in a past life kinda thing. Silly of me to say, huh?" You giggled. "I think... we'd both enjoy that... and it's not silly, in fact, we've both been talking about it, and that's how we feel. About you, and each other. It's quite weird, I've never met either of you in my life. You're both rather attractive though," Chishiya said. Niragi snickered and you looked over at Chishiya, who's eats had turned red.

"I said that outloud, didn't I?"

"Yep."

"It's a good thing I find both of you attractive too, blondie."

"Hey, I think you're both cute too! Lemme join in on this!"

"Of course. Join in on it (Y/N)."

I couldn't let you guys be sad, I'm sorry-

Also, I'm going on a trip to Arizona this week, so there will probably not be many (or any) updates. Sorry, but I do hope you enjoy this!