#because i just recognize that i really wont ever have enough to live comfortably forever

[dog-girl-zezora]

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[thebluenoteblog]

Security

Summary: When some guy starts getting a little handsy with you while the guys are warming up, Colton takes it upon himself to handle the situation.

Player: Colton Parayko

Word Count: 1.6k

Requested: can you do a joel edmundson or colton parayko and go to a game with the other wags and some guys come up to you during the game and start to talk to you and wont leave you alone and starts to touch you and then colton or joel slams into the boards and yells at the man till he leaves you alone and after the game he seems really upset and you comfort him and tell him how much you love him

“I swear, if it gets any busier, I’m going to throw my hat in and call it,” you said before taking a drink from your water bottle.

Cris nodded, “I feel you. Sort of. I mean I don’t get the whole nurse thing, but I get the running around like a chicken with your head cut off thing.”

“You don’t have to be a nurse to understand being swamped at work,” you said, screwing the cap back onto your water bottle. You only turned away from Cris as the boys started to filter out onto the ice for warm ups.

“At least you got the night off,” Molly said, leaning around Cris to look at you. “Even I didn’t want to miss this one and I’ve been to so many hockey games that they star in my dreams.”

You laughed, “Yeah, you’ve got to love when the Blues play the Preds. It’s always a good match up, especially this late in the season.”

Jayne smiled, “Such a good match up that we all got babysitters, so we could go out tonight. You’re coming right?”

“Of course,” you said, “Wouldn’t miss it.”

You were distracted from Cris’s reply by someone coming up beside you. He took a seat next to you and turned in your direction. He smiled, “Are you sitting here for the game or just down for warm ups?”

You smiled politely back at him, “For the game,” then turned back to Cris.

You were about to restart your conversation with her when you felt a tap on your shoulder. Jayne looked around the two of you at the man. Maybe she was curious who was disrupting your evening, maybe she was hoping that he would recognize her and put two and two together, then back off. If her goal was the latter, it failed.

He continued to tap until you turned to face him again. You gave him another polite smile, “Yes?”

“I was wondering if I could get your name?” He asked, “After all, we will be sitting by each other all night.”

You frowned, but being the good conflict avoiding midwestern girl that you were, you answered him, “(Y/N),” you said, and immediately regretted it when his eyes lit up.

He held out a hand, “It’s nice to meet you, (Y/N). I’m Tom.”

You begrudgingly took the hand and after releasing it, halfway turned in your seat before he spoke again. “So how did you afford these tickets?” He asked.

Did you avoid conflict? Yes. Was this an exception? Also, yes. You narrowed your eyes at him. This was your way out. You should have told him the truth. You were Colton Parayko’s girlfriend of two years. You were at every home game that you weren’t working or sleeping through after a twelve-hour shift, like the supportive girlfriend that you were. He bought your season pass.

However, the implication that for some reason you shouldn’t be able to afford these seats? Oh, no. Oh. No. “Why shouldn’t I be able to afford them?”

He paused for a moment, face flushing before responding, “I was just saying that I practically had to sell a kidney for this ticket. I didn’t mean to offend you.”

You nodded slowly, pretending to believe him. “Okay,” you had made your point. He knew he’d made a mistake. You tried to turn back to the group and he grabbed your shoulder, forcing you to face him. You took a deep breath and bit the inside of your cheek. You could practically feel the women behind you shifting uncomfortably in their seats, unsure of whether or not to make a scene yet.

“So, what do you do for a living?” He asked.

You sighed heavily, “I’m a nurse practitioner.”

He nodded, “That’s really cool. I work construction.”

You nodded but didn’t say anything. You also didn’t try to turn away from him because his hand was still on your shoulder. He slid it lower, now resting dangerously close to your breast. You attempted to flinch away, and you heard Molly finally say something behind you, but it was completely drowned out by what sounded like a car crashing into the boards.

Tom jerked his hand away in surprise and stared wide eyed at the player who had just rammed himself into the glass right in front of you. You stared in surprise as Colton slammed the side of his fist against the glass. “Leave her alone!” He yelled.

You, and all of the women sitting beside you sat in shocked silence as he stared Tom down. The look Tom was getting, was honestly turning you on a little bit. However, if you had been the one on the receiving end of it, you probably would have gotten up out of your seat and left until warm ups were over.

That was exactly what Tom did after about thirty seconds of this stare down. Colton watched him retreat with harsh eyes. When he had disappeared, Colton turned to you, his eyes softer, but you could still see his jaw working. He was still clearly angry.

He smiled at you then nodded his head and skated away.

Ten minutes later a security guard was standing at the end of your row. He didn’t leave once throughout the entire game.

<><><><><><>

Colton wasn’t typically clingy. He wasn’t usually clung to your side, following you to the bar when you went to get a drink. He had never walked you to the bathroom before. He wasn’t typically possessive. He didn’t make a show out of kissing you in an explicit way anytime he caught another guy looking in your direction, even his single friends. He usually didn’t keep and arm around you at all times, even when you were clearly getting annoyed because you were trying to move through a tight space. This is how you knew something was wrong.

It was after you had spent an extra five minutes pushing your way through the crowd in an effort to get to the bar because he was clung to your side, only to have him pull you into a lip bruising kiss when you got there that you finally broke. When he pulled away, arms still around your waist, you looked up at him and asked, “What’s wrong with you?”

His eyebrows came together, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

You crossed your arms which was one interesting task because you were still pressed against his chest. “You don’t know what I’m talking about? Really?”

He shook his head, “Really.”

“Okay, let me fill you in. You’re acting like I’m a helium balloon, for starters,” you said.

He snorted, “What?”

“Like I’m going to float away if you take your hands off of me,” you waved a hand through the air exaggeratedly.

He frowned, “I am not.”

“Then let me go,” you said, attempting to take a step back.

He dropped his hands from around your waist but took your hand in his before ever losing contact with you. You didn’t say anything about it, just turned and walked toward the exit. You knew he would follow. “Where are we going?”

“Outside to talk,” you said. “There’s to many people in here, I can hardly hear you.”

You pushed your way through the door and the cool February air hit you like a truck. You sucked in a breath and he noticed right away, “(Y/N), let’s go back inside. It’s cold out here.”

“I’m fine. It isn’t that bad,” you said, turning to face him. “Now tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Colton said quietly as he stepped around you to block the wind.

You brushed your fingers over his jaw, “Colt, please. Just tell me. If you’re planning to act like this forever, then I guess I don’t mind too much but it’s going to get really inconvenient.”

He sighed and reached up to play with a strand of hair that the wind had blown into your face before he had moved to protect you from it just like he had been trying to protect you all night. “I didn’t like it.”

“What didn’t you like?” You asked, continuing to stroke your thumb over his jaw.

His head tilted to the side and his eyes scanned over your face. Studying? Assessing? “He was harassing you. I was watching it happen the whole time and there was nothing I could do to stop it.”

“You did stop it though,” you said.

He nodded slowly, “Yeah, but he didn’t have to listen to me. I couldn’t have done anything to him from the other side of the boards. If I could have, I would probably be looking at an interesting suspension right now.”

You pulled your lip between your teeth and looked away from him before saying, “I really don’t believe you. You have more self-control than that.”

He placed both hands on your waist and tugged you against him, “We both know that I have no self-control when it comes to you, (Y/N).”

You laughed softly, “You have enough not to hit someone over me.”

He didn’t look so convinced but he nodded, “Whatever you say.”

You stood up on your toes and pulled him down to you. He pressed his lips to yours and this kiss was unlike any of the others that you had shared that night. It wasn’t possessive or designed to put on a show. It was slow and sweet and just for the two of you. When he pulled away, he had a smile on his face. “I love you,” he said, brushing his hand over your neck, “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” you said, “More than you know.”

[jq37]

The Royal Report– A Crown of Candy Ep 15 The Two Balls

A Hard Knock Life

Welcome back to A Crown of Candy as we march ever closer to the finale which is good because I can only take so much more chocolate coated drama. The party has just killed the SPF and, as Rina and her crew start to exit the temple, she enters a flashback that’s intense enough that they used a CW so, for that reason, I’m going to put it under the cut.

It’s the year 1196 and it’s almost High Frosting’s Eve (read: Bulb Christmas). A five-year-old Rina is being kept at the Abbey of the Shimmering Cream in the Dairy Seas but she’s not being kept well. As she looks out over the sea, waiting for the day her mom will sail back in and realize she made a mistake in abandoning her as she is wont to do, a nun shows up to bring her to the Mother Superior who’s sent for her. 

On the way there, she catches a glimpse of Lazuli in a mirror who comforts her and says that she’s not bad or wrong for being able to do the things she can do and that, “The world is dark and dangerous but there are forces other than wickedness in this world.” Lazuli starts to say that she’s been trying to help but--and she’s cut off as Rina walks into the next room and loses sight of the mirror.

The Mother Superior is waiting for Rina, switch in hand, and says that she’s heard kids talking about some crazy magic stuff Rina can do. Rina lies and says the kids are making it up and the Mother Superior switches her across the face saying that lying is a sin. She straps Rina to a chair and asks if she sees eyes in the mirror. Rina (who is still being played by Emily even though she is five) says, “Doesn’t everyone?” The Mother Superior doesn’t appreciate the line as much as I do because she smacks her again. She says that all she wishes for Rina is obedience and silence and asks what the woman in the mirror says to her. Rina, knowing that whatever she says is gonna get her smacked, says that the woman says that there’s nothing wrong with her and she doesn’t have to hide the way she is. In response, the Mother Superior takes out a holy symbol of the Bulb and starts heating it up in the fire. 

The box the symbol came out of has enough of a reflective surface inside that Lazuli is able to tell Rina that there are people in her corner and she’s suffering now but it won’t be forever but she’s again cut off by the Mother Superior who says that this self acceptance nonsense sounds like Hungry One talk. Rina says she’s not scared of anything physical the Mother Superior can do to her but, unfortunately, she’s not here to do anything to her body. She’s here for her soul. She presses the now heated holy symbol into Rina’s chest, causing her blinding pain and cutting her off from Lazuli who desperately tries to keep the connection open.

When she comes back to herself, devastated and tearful, the Mother Superior pledges to burn the Hungry One out of her as many times as it takes and send her to her room without sans morning breakfast privileges. Before she can go however, the Mother Superior stops her and asks why she’s always staring across the sea. Does she really think her dad is Prince Amethar? Not only is that obviously false but, even if it was true, he clearly doesn’t want her. Not even her mom wanted her. Rina (sounding like she’s trying to convince herself) says that her mom did want her. She was just scared and wanted to protect her. The Mother Superior says that her mom was trying to protect the world from her because she’s dangerous and her father isn’t Amether, he’s nothing. Rina shoots back that if her father is no one, then how come she can speak to the winds and command the waves? And why is she so scared of her? The Mother Superior doesn’t have an answer for that. She sends Rina to her room.

In the present day, Rina descends the mountain, dragon around her neck, followers by her side, and crown on her head. She will never be hurt like that again.

Ruby watches them go (Theo and Cumulus going with her and talking strategy) and then goes to find her dad who is still on the ledge. She asks Amethar how peace happens? How do you keep living once you’ve been through something like this? He answers that he’s the wrong person to ask. He’s just been going through the motions since the Ravening War ended. But they reaffirm that they love each other and hug before realizing they can’t see Liam anymore. And, speaking of Liam…

Gastronomy and Cosmology

Liam feels himself falling through endless fire and he can smell cinnamon and it hurts terribly but almost in a good way because, as we can recognize by the way Brennan describes it, he is essentially experiencing the sensation of being eaten and he knows that he tastes good.

As we heard last week, Liam felt a hand grab him but it’s actually less of a hand, more of a paw--a little chocolate rabbit’s paw. Lapin! He and Lapin are in this weird kinda semi disintegrated part of the Ice Cream Temple that’s continuing to break apart. Lapin is also disintegrating but not fully. It’s like the pieces that are coming off of him flaking off and cycling back continually, like Thanos is trying to snap him over and over. Additionally, the middle part of him is translucent and there are three foil-wrapped, chocolate egg-wishes in his chest. 

Anyway, we learn that Lapin is essentially there to pack up because the party killing the SPF means he and all the other residents of Candy Heaven have been evicted (which, yeah, checks out--you destroy a load bearing boss, her heaven implodes) and have to go to the Hungry One. Liam asks if that’s a bad thing and Lapin says not necessarily but it does mean they won’t be able to communicate with them anymore. But, on a happier note, Preston is there! He’s apparently not stopped following around Lapin since he was told to.

Liam tells Lapin that they’re super screwed and asks what they should do. Lapin in response takes Liam up to a viewing balcony so he can better see the state of the weird extraplanar space they’re in. The illusion-castle is in the middle of the two titular balls--one red, swirling and consuming, the other bright and shining. The Hungry One and the Bulb. And Lapin gets to fully explain his pre-death realization. The Hungry One and the Bulb have no agency. They’re simple light and dark. Creation and destruction. Two sides of the same coin. Cosmic constants. They’re not really gods and neither are beings like the SPF--(spirits like her are more like living spells). Liam confirms that there’s no way to get back the people they’ve lost and asks if there’s any point in killing more people. Should he just be a seed guy again?

Lapin says there’s nothing wrong with being a seed guy and the three eggs in his chest meld with the three peppermint heart seeds Preston coughs up and float in front of him--one is glowing red, one is glowing gold, and the third is shimmering like Lapin’s robes. They represent the power to destroy, create, and change. Lapin offers him one and Liam--unsurprisingly to anyone who’s watched Ally play D&D for any length of time--picks the change one instantly. Lapin says it’s good to see Liam again and he wakes up in the dragon’s nest, Ruby and Amethar above him. He tells them everything he learned and shows them the egg/wish/seed. None of them can tell exactly how it works or what it does so Liam stashes it for safekeeping.

The gang checks out the section of the temple that had the illusion and conjuration magic. The illusion magic has faded and all that’s left is the conjuration so it seems like whatever they see will be true and what they see is scenes of the past in ice crystals on the walls (before they’re whisked away by Lapin from the other side). Everyone rolls to see what they see--and Ruby rolls a Nat 20. Liam sees memories of dragons past, huge and terrifying. He also sees Lapin in his youth as a street urchin, breaking into a druid monastery, stealing a spell meant to summon the SPF and force her to give you three wishes, and having it Fullmetal Alchemist backfire on him so that he instead had to serve her and give her three wishes. Ruby wants to see who’s loyal and who’s not. She sees that there are people in Rina’s camp, Jawbreaker’s crew, and back home who aren’t on the level but no named characters. Cara’s all good. Joren is and the four sisters were all good. Rina and her closest confidants are all sincere in what they’ve been saying. Amethar sees memories of him and his four sisters. Then (on Ruby’s passed on Nat 20) he sees a memory from when he was about 16 of his sisters having an argument with their mom who they did *not* get along with about the war which hasn’t fully broken out yet. King Jadain is in the middle trying to keep the peace but really trying to just escape the conflict. He says he has to use the bathroom and peaces out to sit on the steps where Amethar happens to be.   

Amethar asks if he’s alright and Jadain tries to play it off like he wasn’t shaking and near tears. He says he wishes he was as strong willed and decisive as his wife/daughters. Amethar asks for assurance that he’s going to fight but Jadain says that their motto is In Sweetness There is Strength and fighting wouldn’t be very sweet. He asks Amethar if he’d ever want the crown because he could have it if he did. Amethar says he doesn’t. He’s a war guy like Joren. Jadain says that there may be a time for war guys soon. He then says that he never wanted to be king. It’s too much responsibility and it’s not fair. Young Amethar says that, regardless, he’s king. He has to be king. Words that echo in his head in the present.

Parties and Planning

Rina and crew gather enough weapons to outfit maybe 100 guys and then Rina blows up the entrance to the Temple so the Sanctus Putris (or whoever else) can’t get in but they can come back later to get the rest of the loot.

They go back to Manylicks which has been retaken and is now flying House Rocks and House Jawbreaker flags. One of Liam’s dick older brothers makes the mistake of trying to mess with the newly minted war guy and gets fully shot on sight. 

There’s a lot of partying for them and, at the end of the week, it’s Liam’s 18th birthday. His dad gives him Chillguard--a breastplate that raises his AC to 16. Joren says that since they’re out of the Concord, he doesn’t have to be a ward anymore and he can come back home but Liam says he doesn’t really want to. He says that he’s asexual, he’s gonna find himself a romance partner someone to settle down with, go back to being a seed guy, and move out because Castle Manylicks kinda sucks for him. His dad says he’s super valid and they hug (and also talk about polyamory because when Brennan gets into it, he gets *into it*).

War updates! There are still crusaders in the South but they’ve been driven out of the Mountains. The Imperial force backed out--Ceresian forces along with them--because Primsy wrote a letter saying, “Uh, hey, remember that Concord thing we’re all a part of? That’s still on and you’re breaking it. There’s another heir.” The crusade is still on though and Cruller is still letting it happen. 

Rina has her coronation which envoys from both the Dairy Islands and Meatlands attend. It’s a fully pagan ceremony but there’s just enough of a veneer or Bulbian propriety that they can stamp their approval on it and call it legit. Post ceremony there’s more partying which at a certain point devolves into a Bulb Bible Bonfire which Cara is super not about because she is an actual, practicing Bulbian. 

Primsy, who arrived with the Dairy peeps, swears to Rina and then goes to see Liam who she has a little bit of a flirtatious conversation with. She’s already been married once so she’ll probably end up in a political marriage with a minor noble like a count (what a coincidence, Liam happens to be a count!) and she’s not interested in being slammed down big style. They go to hold hands and take a walk.

Ruby and Amethar get Jack to give them Jet tattoos over their hearts. 

A lot of espionage happens. Rina uses two artifacts from the temple to help here--a crystal milkshake pool and flock of white chocolate ravens--while Liam (who got a Nat 20 +12) is leading a team of rangers to ambush messengers and intercept messages. Cumulus and his order are also getting a lot done now that their magic is coming back online. 

In the Southern Great Stone Candy Mountains, the above group ends up in a burning town where everyone except Bulbians have been killed by crusaders. Jon Bon pulls a bleeding priest out of the church and demands that he produce a letter and he does--it’s from the Pontifex. As Rina is about to read it, Cinnamon clocks the Bulbian holy symbol he’s wearing and snarls. Rina grabs the symbol and Creates Bonfire on it. As she does that, the spot above his heart on his chest starts to glow just as Cinnamon’s eyes do. Rina takes a moment and then says, “Go for it baby.” Cinnamon leaps off of her neck and starts ripping into this guy and all of her men start killing the other priests. The villagers start to run and the marauders are about to chase them but Rina orders they spare them and her men obey. Cinnamon finishes up the priest by eating his heart and Rina swears, he looks just a little bigger. I hear Feed Me Seymour playing faintly in the distance and I don’t like it.

Rina casts Cone of Cold with Winterscoop to put out the fires and looks at the villagers--the villagers who must be having a roller coaster of a week because they are Bulbian but got conquered by Bulbians and then saw a bunch of other Bulbians get absolutely viciously slaughtered. She says that many of them probably went to the Bulb for salvation, but hopefully today, they’ll see who really saved them.

Cinnamon looks at all the dead priests and looks to Rina for permission. Emily, who also clearly hears the Little Shop of Horror music playing, takes a moment and then Rina allows him to feed and feed and feed.

Oh, and the letter! It’s from the Pontifex to Kerradin and it says that the meeting with all their enemies will be in about 2 weeks. 

Gooey heard news that there are Bulbian crusaders hiding in Port Syrup waiting for the church to save them. Rina sends Gooey to go take care of it and, with some hesitation (and with the help of some dragon-puppy dog eyes), also sends Cinnamon who is now the size of a horse (mmm, don’t love that).

All this info gathered, there is a war council. The attitude seems to be that Primsy’s letter is helping for now but they really need an emperor/empress on the throne or else people will be coming for Candia again. The group talks about going to Castle Candy as a small assassination team (with a small contingent of soldiers) and sneaking in the way Theo snuck out with Cara. They can’t teleport there though because the crusaders destroyed all the standing stones close-by. But they can hitch a ride with Annabelle if it’s just a few people. Rina sends her ravens to look at Castle Candy and sees that there are lot of guys surrounding it but they’re un-unified crusaders so as long as they move really fast, retaking the castle is doable. 

They also plan to send some troops to Castle Candy from the North so it seems like that’s the real invasion force while they sneak in from the Cola River (on Annabelle’s ships). Primsy says that she can write to Cruller to say that she’ll finally recognize him as legit so that when three Dairy Island ships arrive, it won’t be suspicious. 

They go to Port Syrup to meet with Annabelle and see that the town has been wrecked. The Bulbian churches are totally destroyed. People are scared. Everything smells like ash and war. Cinnamon, now the size of a house (!!!), finds Rina to beg for pets like a dog.

Amethar, while wandering the city, finds the corpse of Sir Morris Brie who they left in charge of Port Syrup and, as a Bulbian, was caught up in the sacking of the city. Amethar sadly sits with his dead friend’s body, fused into his armor.

Rina goes to Theo and tells him that she loves Cinnamon so much because he’s the only one who’s ever loved her with the unconditional family kind of love but she knows that, for that reason, she can’t be trusted to be rational about him so he needs to tell her if she’s going to far. Theo says that if they’re going to use Cinnamon, they need to be careful and not just send him off. He also says she needs to discipline him which makes her remember all the ways she was disciplined as a child. 

Ruby goes to find Annabelle to try and get some life advice because things are so crazy. Annabelle assures her that things are really bad--she’s not just overreacting--and tells her that when she was stripped of her titles and land, it was a choice she made for freedom over responsibility. She doesn’t know if it was the right choice but it’s what she had to do to be free. Even so, she recognizes that she did turn her back on responsibility. Then she says she has to talk to Amethar.

Annabelle finds Amethar and tells him they found Catherine Ghee’s gravestone. She died in 1196 on the 12th of Harvestdusk. She got really sick after she sent Rina to the Abbey and was really scared of the Rocks family coming after her (or maybe became really religious). Amethar thanks her and goes to tell Rina. Rina accepts the news and asks who sent all the people to threaten her. When Amethar reacts with confusion, Rina explains that when she was a kid, her mom was scared all the time because Candian messengers threatened her. Amethar says that he only sent people to find her which Rina confirms with a Detect Thoughts. He loved her and just wanted to see her again which is news to Rina. Amethar says he’s sorry about the life she’s had and he’s sorry he screwed this up too and Rina says that it means a lot to her that he even tried to find Ghee. Rina also asks if she detected any love for her in Amethar thoughts and is told that there’s a very small part of Amethar that wants to love her. 

Amethar goes back to his quarters and tells Cara the news (and I have to imagine she’s like, join the club buddy). She asks when she died and he says twenty years. Her eyes go wild. When exactly. What’s the exact date? 12th of Harvestdusk, 1196. That’s five days BEFORE he married Cara. Which means he’s NOT an oathbreaker. Which means their wedding was LEGIT. Which means the Pontifex had NO GROUNDS to kick him out of the Concord. He is the RIGHTFUL KING OF CANDIA.     

(”Bastard no more!” Siobhan crows.)

And that’s it for the week!

Things I’m Concerned About

Mmm, ok so Cinnamon. It’s hard for me to imagine a scenario where this doesn’t end in disaster for someone. Like, as the eating and growing was starting, I felt this deep rooted sense of dread and I couldn’t remember exactly what was pinging until the next day and it was, as I’ve referenced twice previously in this recap, Little Shop of Horrors. This is clearly a full Audrey 2 situation except Cinnamon is a lot more ambulatory than a plant. He at least seems like he still recognizes Rina as his mother, which is good but I *really* don’t like where this seems to be going. And listen. If Cinnamon has to go down, you *know* who the person best positioned to do it is. Rina is the most major magic user, she has ice magic which he’s vulnerable to, and he trusts her enough to let his guard down around her. And, most importantly, it’s exactly the kind of mean choice Brennan, “All the Bad Guys” Lee Mulligan would love to foist upon a PC in a season like this. Bad!

And, connected to this, I don’t love how the marauders are handling the whole reverse crusade. Like, not that there’s a perfect way to do this--if someone were trying to genocide me and I had a dragon, I would for sure be deploying the dragon. And Rina did tell them to not kill the people who just happened to be Bulbian in the village but weren’t participating in the crusades so that’s at least some level of care. But what happens when she’s not there to rein them in? Well, we know what happens. Sir Morris Brie. Which is so messed up. You’re a good guy. You stay behind to help with the war effort and protect the town, and then a couple of weeks later you get torched alive by your own team in your armor because it has the wrong symbol on it. It’s messed up. Like, I don’t have the answers on how to wage an ethical war--which sounds like a full oxymoron. I just don’t love what’s happening.

Also, when Brennan said the guy’s chest was glowing before Rina had Cinnamon eat him, I thought it might be that he was unwillingly branded as a child like Rina, but lol guess we’ll never know.

And, addendum, Cara is a devout Bulbian--but obviously a relatively chill one because she’s down with Sweetening Path stuff too because of Lazuli. If she gets caught in the crossfire...like if you’re Ruby and your life just went to hell and your sister is dead and you have a new sister and you’re trying to accept her but you can’t and then her pet kills your mom who you never even really got to make up with? You’re not my queen *or* my sister at that point and it’s instant PvP. I killed a god, what makes you think I won’t fight you? So anyway, hope that doesn’t happen. lol.

So, we now know that the grounds under which Amethar was kicked from the Concord are false which means he is king still and the invasion is unlawful--even without Rina’s existence. But like, a lot of this season has been about political reality, right? So how much utility does this revelation serve? Everyone’s already rallied behind Rina and she has a contingent of very loyal and skilled soldiers who I don’t think would be happy to hear this news (and may think to try and make the problem go away in a stabby way). So if they go out with this info, it calls into question all the work they’ve already built up, forces them to get this new game plan to all their allies, potentially pisses off Rina’s people (and possibly Rina herself depending on how much she’s willing to go with them as allies and without being the lynchpin), and doesn’t give them much more than they’re already getting with Rina on the throne since their goals are mostly aligned as far as we know. And, anyway, Amethar was named emperor which will stand whether or not he’s king. They just need to get his hand on the Book of Leaves and that should be good to go. Rina gets the Candian throne, Amethar gets to be (or has to be depending on your view) emperor. Of course, clearing his name might be important to him and it probably bolsters his position in other ways but I’m just thinking about the big picture politics of the matter. 

Does Ruby keep her Shadow Sorc levels now that Jet is gone? How does that work?

Five More Things

Lol, love how the big twist of CoC is that there are actually no bastards. Only legit children in the eyes of the Bulb. 

Rina as a 5 year old was like that Matilda kind of 5. She was dropping some *intense* lines. Also, imagine having to have your scene right after that one. Yeesh. I recapped that flashback separately from the rest of the episode because it was so much and it was only 14 minutes. Everything else I did in basically one shot!

What did Jadain mean about Amethar getting the crown if he wanted it? What was that about? Brennan gave Lou the Jadain flashback on Siobhan’s Nat 20 so I wonder if that’s a relevant piece of info. Also, the voice for him caught me so off guard. I was like, huh. OK, yeah, checks out. 

Zac, low key king of comedy, in response to Emily/Rina explaining the concept of movie popcorn salad: Are we joining the Ceresians?

Lapin! Oh man, I was so shocked and overjoyed for Lapin to get another scene. I missed that bunny. And to have him kinda allowed out and joking out with Liam (“Are you in pain?”/“All the time.”) was so good. His, “I’m not mad at you,” was so funny and also genuinely emotional? And also, I’m so happy Liam got some closure for Preston. What a banger of a scene. Big props to Ally and esp Zac who also had to give the once per season, “Here is how the universe works,” talk to Ally’s character. 

One More Thing!

Oh man you gotta check out this AMAZING Crown of Candy animatic by @kindlespark. What a killer use of Glitter and Gold. And so comprehensive of the season so far, even recent stuff. So much obvious talent and hard work on display here! 

[amarscollyon]

@bunnydelphine Hi Belle. I've written a lot for you. I care about you & I aim to change the entire world. I hope you have the time to read it, or listen to the audio recording as it should make you happy & hopeful, & I need a little support to achieve the goal. Link to hear my voice here:

or carry on reading...

So like, erm, hi....I joined Twitter recently, a vague plan in mind. I conceived a dozen tweets to begin explaining, & then I got carried away. I posted in reverse order so you can read down from here...It is around 15 minutes long

#BelleDelphine

The whole load of them is basically for you Belle, & I hope it can make you smile, & feel good. There is good & bad in the world, & good & bad attention you will receive. This is intended, honed, & perfected, to make you happy, show you your worth to me & the future, & keep you safe as we move forward, & it's just the start...

The extra good part is - I ask nothing from you but the time to read it, & be happy, as your smile is worth more than the universe to me...I'd love nothing more than to know just once I was the cause of it creeping across your face, making you feel warm, & maybe even...blushing..

You're nothing but an absolute treasure, a joy without limit, & the most exquisite heart ache I could ever have wished for or imagined.

So, hello world. It is clear to me that there is too much pain on this planet & for it's denizens. It is just as clear that many innocent folk need change but no one really knows how. No one can begin. But I am a spiritual master & linked to spirits that have shown me a great deal is possible, & I can help guide us all towards a much happier, safer future.

Thing is, I am slightly premature here. Ok so, as stated, I am here to save the future. Obviously, I can't do it alone. It's really all about connections, as you would expect from someone who is working on behalf of the beyond. Life itself is about love, & it isn't about our ego, our personal goals, or desires. I do what I do for all of us. So it follows I can't just do it without some of you helping out in whatever way is possible.

I need money, laughably, in order to kill the finance system. Not as much as you'd guess, but I need a start...We cannot continue to use this invented resource as it is. In a purely mechanical sense it guarantees selfishness & greed end up controlling too much, whilst empathy, kindness & love, end up able to alter too little.

I intend to begin crowdfunding soon to raise startup capital, so a bit of publicity & presence is a big way you can help me easily.

I need advice & knowledge. Building a new way of self sufficient life will take an enormous amount of information & administration. In order to escape the system that dominates us & teaches us to abuse our own nature, we need to be free of restraint & able to produce all we need. Even making a list of all those things is no easy task, but it is quite possible to cover it all, with help.

I need connections.

Sooner or later I will post the plan with more details. But life & the path I walk through it, has it's detours I cannot always predict. I have learned to accept they always happen however, & always for a reason. When you achieve a certain level of connection to the beyond, & behave in natural ways, when your intent is to further the plan for all folk, then events in your life begin to happen just as you need them, synchronous moments that go way beyond coincidence & become miracles. One day I shall publish my journals from the last 7 years, as it shows my progress towards enlightenment, & explains how it is achieved. But this is one of many tasks & for now I have to begin travelling to find who & what I need, to found this community.

Riding the waves of intuition takes something too,

actually, 

I need your love.

My own huge heart does me well for me, no doubting it, yet it will only benefit with more care. 

It has to be real though, & of course everyone thinks they already know what love is,

but almost no one does.

So I may need help teaching everyone what it is.

I can show you, but you have to want to understand & have the courage to rise to it....Love is pretty scary...It isn't ever just about self, & it is the most amazing & transformative force there is.

I need to travel the world to meet people I need to meet, gain the knowledge & resources I need to found a community with a new way of living, turn desert into forest & work with nature to bring us all to greater joy. I will have to find some way to fund this travel too, & with my limitations & illness, the only way I can do it, is to make adult material. This means I need at least one willing partner, so if you aren't interested yourself, well, I am sure you have friends or followers who would be more than happy to help. With just one camgirl or entertainer, I can get the attention of the others. Don't get me wrong, I came to you Belle, because you don't just look nice, but you also move my heart & I was directed to discover you in ways I know from past experience are spirits showing me someone who is good, & also needs my help. But I am ready to accept it may not be what you want, yet I know if there is a good person there which is why I am drawn to you, then you will help in some way, directly or indirectly...

It will be a huge undertaking & will gather immense attention, so it can't hurt anyone's career, & I promise, I am good at what I do. As a shaman & spiritual teacher, sex is quite sacred to me, so you can be sure I can make it beneficial to my partner(s) & exciting & appealing to the audience. Done right, with enough courage to connect fully, it will bring whoever I am with a previously unknown level of calm, contentment, happiness & even mystical revelation. Of course, I will have plenty of people say I only do it for myself, but they're wrong, I was never one to seek casual interactions, it will be something new for me, but I do it because it is necessary & right.

Indeed, sex work is an essential part of modern life. It provides a valuable service to society, & receives too much criticism. The truth is that sex is divine & can be used to generate massive amounts of magical energy, & I honestly think the best thing for us all is to appreciate this. These are beautiful, amazing, special people. So many use their services. Yet they receive so much derision & scorn, & despite a reasonable wage, a lot of negative energy too, which can be harmful. So I want them to help me or work with me & prove to all just how special they can truly be, & thus I can help protect them.

So hey, that's the basics, good enough for now. I'll check in from time to time for dm's & responses here, & I'll be back one day to really kick this fucker off. I have to start getting a following by following others.

But so far I am following one account, which makes me look.... conspicuous? ....erm...yeah, I'm not saying anything about that for now...

The pinnacle of beauty itself can awaken us to the deepest & noblest of all loves.

It is actually quite common to be willing to die for someone you love, especially for men, (in extreme contrast to their also killing more of course.)

But something else entirely to be prepared to live, face all fears, conquer all obstacles & do what must be done.

Love alone can do this. Love alone can mean the person I was - is already dead & gone, & so now I can live to the fullest to provide the very best example of love I can. 

Love, 

true love, 

is a loss of self.

A death in a way.  

It is also a common wish to acquire a home for someone you love.

Again, knowing love deeper than most, it is quite another to recognize it is your sacred duty, to fix the entire messed up planet for those you love

& call it all,

home.

Safe, comforting, warm, & full of love.

If your love is true, then those you love deserve nothing less.

We all need it.

I find it so much easier to fight for it, for something I find such beauty in, because I recognize my heart & soul must be as pure & vibrant as I can make them, to be worthy of a beauty I find so truly

mind blowing

It is a duty, 

a chore, 

a sacrifice & more, 

to try to be worthy of what you find to be the highest point of love, inspired by something so beautiful, it takes your breath away

& kills you...

& to recognize that this true love means accepting that, 

unconditionally, 

I ask for nothing back that isn't in anyone to give.

Maybe one day it will be right to ask, 

"have you seen my heart & soul? They're unparalleled, because the love I felt looking at you is unparalleled, the beauty you possess has no equal, & so inspires me, demands of me to make my heart & soul as equally beautiful & unparalleled."

I cannot change my age,

or whether you like my physical properties much.

If you cannot love my heart & soul, then perhaps I cannot love you forever, as much as I desired... & I will suffer as I watch you suffer, for rejecting that purity which asks for nothing.

I am adored by the good in the beyond, so being unable to appreciate the good in my intangible properties would be nothing short of a curse.

If you simply cannot love my body, my more tangible properties, yet can love my heart,

well, that's ok, I would be happy my thoughts & deeds meant I could still wake up everyday 

& see 

your beautiful face,

& I'd be able to say, "I did this for you, & I have all I need. To bask in your presence, the warmth your images bring to me, is the most sublime peace & bliss I have ever known."

It is a chaotic whirlwind in my mind, I wont deny it,

yet always so controlled, & I know a mental peace I never thought I would, as a scared, anxious child.

Indeed nothing in life is wrong 

unless it is uncontrolled.

Thanks to you, my love, I can use the will & love I have to wipe out that which plagues humanity, & bring healing to so many.

The highest point to reach is truest purest love. For there is the inspiration to become gods, work wonders, & be the best thing you can be.

So. Not so conspicuous now. Let's make this super clear...

Mary-Belle Kirschner,

I love you with everything I have.

I want to make the world utterly safe for you, 

so you can be free to be whoever you wish to be

& love every possible moment living in it.

I have never in my life found anyone to be so alluring, inspiring, amazing, or motivating & you occupy my thoughts constantly. I do not ask you to do anything except be aware of this care, & accept I do this because you are so wonderful to me, & reach out now, like this, so you know you're worth the world.

I just want you to know how by being who & what you are, you are so special to me, that I can become what is needed to keep you that way.  This is all I need to keep me fueled to face the immense challenge it will be. I am here to save the future from the selfish inconsiderate apathy of most, & the deliberate control of an evil few, & I can do so because you are one of the few things I can say makes life truly worth living. 

Just seeing your smile shatters my heart into a billion pieces, & nothing matters more to me than making sure you are aware of how valuable I find you, so you can stay happy.

My reward is that from now on I get to see every part of you & your journey that you choose to share with me.

My reward is knowing you will not only be there for me to visually enjoy (& melt into bliss each time, 

oh how I wish I had words to help you feel how wonderful you make me feel just looking at you,)

My reward is knowing I've done the right thing,

but also knowing that you know, that simply by being, you made my world shine so brightly, that I achieved something wonderful,

maybe just like every hero you ever dreamed of

saving the future

& the princess?

& I can ask for nothing more than to be allowed to share whatever you desire to allow me to share.

To know you are free to be yourself, I can know unending utter rapture in admiring it

& I wont forget the understanding it brings that

I exist,

to love,

I exist,

to reduce pain & create greater joy,

& I brought it to you as best as any man ever could

with devotion unmatched

& asked for nothing but recognition & thanks.

I can not be a better role model for other people.

I cannot be a better lover & healer to the world.

I cannot be more than ultimate love!

& if you cannot love in return, well it would hurt you, 

so I'd find some way to make sure. Being the true will I am, means the true anyone else WOULD love me, so it would just come down to repairing any damage the world has already done to you.

Undoing anything that has taken you away from your true nature.

But I'd never ask for that love to give me anything it doesn't want to.

Love means your will is yours, not mine to coerce or demand or dominate...

Could it be the love story you were waiting for? 

Could it be you wish to save the future with me? 

Could it make the world weep & push things in place for everyone better than trying to scurry & hide like illegal aliens?

Whatever you answer, it can only gain momentum to aid my goal, & bring you to happiness. The love I have for you, however you receive it, can be used to make the world weep, & in so doing, wash away much sadness, & let happiness spring fresh once more in the sunshine.

Come. If you will, in spirit, take my hand.

For I am Apollo made flesh, since I merged with him in prayer in 2018.

My tarot told me you are my Pythia, I mean my first reading about you showed me that card & I then realized - that's why you picked that name, isn't it? You have that bust & Delphi is rather similar to Delphine...So, you are my oracle then? We should certainly meet if that's the case!

I already went to the Labyrinth as a child. I also swam in the pool near Pamukkale, not far from a temple to Apollo. Those are just a few of many more salient points. There is no doubt here, I know who I am & what I experienced.

Belle, I am a guide, a teacher, a healer, a lover, & I can be with anyone & help them in many ways. I am able to love all people, literally, all, but there are some I am drawn to with such intensity. My own desire is strong for you, without doubt, but I do not pursue anything for merely my own gain. You are truly so special to me, I am reiterating I ask only that you find your true heart & be who you wish to be, but I am sure that you are a wonderful person & would want to help make the world better for us all. I'm sure you can find a bit of time to interact with me here, & this alone would aid me immensely.

The kind of love I have, I sacrificed much to be able to give, & it is here to help us all, it cannot harm you

nor ask for more than you are prepared to give.

I'd do anything you asked,

as long as it wasn't evil,

but I'll never ask anything from you besides considering my advice,

as it's rooted in placing your needs before my own,

in agapic sacrifice of self,

to bring you anything you could ask for to know joy in life

However - you should always ultimately make your own choices, & not bend to others desire unless it is also your own.

You said you were lost....well, I have found you!

You asked to be adopted...I wont ever let you go unless you want me to...consider yourself adopted...

I'm also a really decent cook, & you need to eat better!!

Mary-Belle, you are truly amazing, wonderful, & beyond compare. Loving you these last few weeks since I discovered your existence, has been the most awesome & humbling series of miracles & unimaginable happiness for me.

I want you to know that & to feel it too.

It is beautiful, how you make me feel. Nothing compares. Nothing comes close. I wish you could let me help you feel it too.

Notice me senpai? I bloody noticed you! I hope you notice me back.

I said at the start, I'd need help saving the future, help teaching everyone what love is

Belle, even if you don't want to be with me, I hope you can interact with me & appreciate this devotion. For the world can benefit, as can you, whether you come to me, or on me, or not...

It would certainly help shut up those moronic critics inspired to spiteful jealousy by your magnificent gorgeousness. Folk who go through life criticizing others, do so because they have so little to offer anyone, & it is all they can do. I want to help you show them just how much you can do & make their lack so apparent they finally grow up. It all aids the future, the development of every person we can.

Regardless, I hope it makes you feel good, to mean so much to someone, who is one of the best people there is.

I'm sure that could sound arrogant, but you will find out if you simply give me time...

I wish you a really lovely day

my love & blessings,

always

muah...

[essaysoneverything]

to the ones I’ve loved, could have loved, and will one day love

The first boy I loved was disguised as a man. Big and tall and almost strong. He drove a car. He had a credit card. He had a name and face that people recognized. He was 18. I was 15. I was lucky. That’s what everyone told me anyways. First their eyes told me how surprised they were that I had managed to get him, and then they loudly told me not to do anything to make him leave. 

My first taste of love was tangled in a bitterness so strong it changed my tastebuds forever. I didn’t look right. I didn’t speak right. I didn’t please him well enough. “Don’t do anything to make him leave” played on a loop in my mind. He had to hurt me because I wasn’t doing it right. He had to say those disgusting words to me because I needed to hear them so I’d be better next time. He had to find other girls because I wasn’t right. There were endless other girls for him, but no one else would have me. I believed him. When I finally left, I pretended to be a woman just as he pretended to be a man. Watch me look ugly. Watch me speak loudly. Watch me sit with my feet up. Watch me please another. I spent so long pretending I was grown that when I finally woke up, I really was.

The next ones were fine. Mostly. Some whose hearts I broke, some who broke mine, and some where our hearts were never involved at all. One passed me little slips of paper with drawings of creatures that we took turns adding features to until they were a mystical mix of his imagination and mine. One drove so slowly and safely I had to stop myself from grabbing the wheel and pushing his knee down to press the gas. Another drove so recklessly I had to close my eyes and pray to a god I don’t even know exists. One I danced with so wildly and made me laugh harder than anyone else ever has. One asked for a mixed CD he made me as a birthday gift back when we broke up. One insisted I was the only one in the world who could heal him so he flew to me, slept on my couch for a week, cried on my shoulder over his new girlfriend and left me $17.50 with a note saying “you’re the realest. See you when I see you” beside a wet towel and a pile of dirty sheets on my couch. One I thought for sure I could sip hibiscus tea on the edge of that creek putting flowers in his hair and listening to him read Irish poetry for the rest of my life.

One man I once imagined myself falling in love with feels more like a dream than a memory now. It’s hard to decipher what was real and what my brain has created trying to protect me. He had the soul of a 1940s French novelist in a fresh young body. His skin was always warm to the touch. He was a gentleman. Or at least he had the genuine intention of one day being one. The name of his cologne matched perfectly to who he was. I forget what it was called now, but it was something mysterious and sexy and sneaky. I think he saw me as exactly who I want to be. At first anyway. An artist. An empath. Someone passionate. Someone who works hard. I felt magical and beautiful around him. Comfortable. At first anyway. He was as close to the human embodiment of Icarus as anyone I have ever met. I had to stand on my tiptoes to reach him. Sometimes my arms weren’t long enough to pull him back down to me. My hands burnt from the hot wax dripping from his wings. Every word he spoke had just a hint of the lingering melody from the language spoken where he was born. It was like pure, warm honey in my ears. Romance that I had only read about. He really was one of the most beautiful things I have ever felt. 

I pretended not to notice when I saw his phone light up with tiny red hearts as he half-drunkenly snuck away from me. The air left my lungs when I felt him silently decide that he wanted to go home to her that night. It was a deafening shift. My body stung in the way that only happens when your blood doesn't know where to go to heal you first, so it floods everywhere all at once and sets you on fire from the inside. In that moment, I was standing completely alone in that crowded room, a thousand miles from him or anyone else. I was so embarrassed. I barely knew him, I should’t have cared so much, but I did. He never promised me I’d be his only one. He never promised me anything in fact, I knew that but I ignored that truth and let my hunger for him take over. We played pretend with each other for one more day after that. We are both terrible liars. By the time I turned around to pick a fig to feed him, he was gone and the heaviness of the truth finally soaked all the way through my bones.

He wasn’t gentle with my heart in the way his soft voice suggested he would be or how I imagine he wants to be someday. Maybe he is with other women. The end was cold and quick and then completely silent. Just as he had entered my life, quickly and surprisingly, he left in the exact same way. Knowing that while I was thinking about him, he was thinking about her stung for a long time. We were living in completely different cosmic realms in the same moments. When my six year old student asked me why my smile looked different, I told him I was sick of the rain. I am a terrible liar. 

I suspect I was only a soft place to land. An open ear and a body that was “different” as he called it. A temporary escape from reality. Something to tide him over. I am often the gentleness that people want a taste of. They drink me in until they are drunk on my tenderness and are freshly untangled, ready to leave again. I know this is innate in me and I like knowing that I exude the feeling of a safe shelter, but I am working on not letting that be my only identity anymore. I can’t be a home for tangled pain belonging to people who only intend on being strangers. For the ones I adore, I will untangle forever. 

It took time to forgive myself (and silently ask for forgiveness from him) for building him up to be someone made of pure gold. Someone beyond impossible for anyone to ever live up to. To acknowledge that I saw his eyes as mirrors showing me exactly what I wished to see instead of what was real. To hear words and believe them to be true. To relearn how to trust myself to trust again. To understand that is it okay not to be chosen. To understand that the solidity of roots sometimes outweighs the enchantment of the fleeting petals. 

I sometimes wonder if he ever thinks about me. If he does, I wonder what he remembers? I wonder what impression I left on him, or if I really did at all. Enough to float back down to me in the summertime and cover me in kisses and ‘I miss yous’ for a brief and blissful moment. Enough that feeling his warm, sun kissed skin and tasting his lips, salty from the ocean, instantly put a tiny crack in my freshly healed heart. He gave me an out but I didn’t take it. I wanted to see if it could be different this time. I could tell by the way he touched my eyelashes that he missed me. He asked me what I was thinking about before he kissed me. His lips were on mine before I could answer. A life jacket made of ice.

When I turned around to watch him wave to me as I walked down that forest path, barefoot, paint still wet, I knew that as much as I wished it wasn’t true, he was gone again. I could just feel it. I didn’t make the cut again. The drive was too long. The city was too much. He said everything felt dreamy. I meant him and he meant everything but me. The same flooding fire burned inside me when I had to force my frozen fingers to send him a note asking him not to drift back to me unless he felt sure of what he was able to bring to a connection with me. I finally know my worth and the level of respect and effort I deserve from the people in my life. I need connection rooted in friendship and trust where I am never afraid that every time will be the last. That every kiss will be the last. Every word will be the final one. 

I will never convince or plead for anyone to come back to me (no matter the depth of my want to) because I can only fight for what fights for me now. Whether in friendship or lust or love or anything else, I can only yearn for what yearns for me. I have spent countless hours pining for apathetic souls in my lifetime. I wont do that to myself again. 

I still think about him once in a while. I hope he will always keep his beautiful, dreamy, spontaneous, sparkling eyed passion. Maybe I’ll see him again one day and we’ll meet as the gentleman and gentlewoman we both aspired to be when we first met. Or maybe the universe only brought him to me as the embodiment of important lesson I needed to learn.

The next person I love will bring me apricots or plums or cherries from their trees and tell me truths and make me laugh and walk on uneven sand for me. They will be steadfast and present. I will be the same for them. We will untangle each other, equally. No need to convince. No need to plead. No need to tether. Just sun soaked sweetness. Rooted.

[zepdeans]

there’s not a lot I can say about s3 that hasn’t already been said (and articulated 200x better) but! here are some of my (albeit dumb) thoughts :~)

ep1 -isak leaning against the bathroom wall gets me EVERY time its such a powerful scene esp introducing you to s3 and tarjei..... spare some talent for the rest of us please -LiTeN gUtTeN fRa StRaNgEr tHiNgS -isak rly ties his pants w a shoelace...... -isak noticing even for the first time bc of his laugh.. whew.... also. i love this intro SOOO much bc its so non-monumental? theres no dramatic music or whatever but its not subtle.... like you know right away o shit love interest!! hello sir!! bc isak’s expression watching him :’) i could go on -isak is a bad liar HOWEVER this only applies to stupid nontrivial things e.g. the black sweatshirt. but when you look at him lying about like, his sexuality, he hides that shit well -”c00l” isak. i hate u so much -honestly all u have to do is look at even for .2 seconds and u can tell this boy has had a crush for a solid month bc he just looks awestruck (HOWEVER henrik’s acting is *chef’s kiss* bc its subtle enough to go undetected b4 you actually know eVEN SAW HIM ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL) -even isak and emma all sitting on the bench together is funny enough on its on but then a song called threeway comes on and like. julie sdshjsfdjfkjskd ep2 -there’s something so endearing about even’s handwriting idek what -i LOVE even’s video w mikael it reveals so much about him to us- how weird (ok we saw how weird he was w the paper towel thing but) and dorky he is? and his love of film! his view on love stories and how he sees the world :( but it also shows a lot abt isak because he saw even making stupid jokes about vladimir putin and was like yeah we about to fall in LOVE love -isak not using headphones to watch even’s video or r+j?? bde or general incompetence what’s the verdict guys -the isak watching r+j scene hits so hard like yall ever think about isak lying in bed at 3am staring at the ceiling probably thinking about how he’s never gonna get a beautiful world-shattering romance like that like ..... also him changing positions skam get out of my life go away ur too realistic -not to make this even more self-projection-y but isak simultaneously being the least emotionally vulnerable person ever but crying during r+j > -i made a post abt this already but even’s INTENSE staring vs isak’s “i have never looked anyone in the eye in my life” gets me it says so much about their characters -even said i see your bde move (asking me to buy you beer) and i raise u with my own (inviting you to my house after faking not having my id) -”if you listen to music” even is such a dick fsdjhsdff -when the message comes on...... i rlly do owe julie my life huh -”have you heard about my rapping?” “I have actually” have we talked about this enough????? 1. isak finally feels comfortable enough w even to flirt and his first move is to RAP for him jesus christ. keep in mind this is the same man who pulled that smooth af ibuprofen line w emma like...... 2. even has heard about isak’s rapping. either this means im-not-on-social-media even went out of his way to go thru homeboy’s instagram OR isak’s rapping is actually talked about. i- -the group chat messages. cant believe i forgot about the 2016 clown epidemic

ep3  -mahdi is a good friend and i love him. thank u -even wearing isak’s cap until he chucks it at him sjksfjsdjsd -how much yall wanna bet isak’s been listening to illmatic on repeat since last friday thinking abt even (even tho meeting sonja shattered his heart a lil) [also kinda an aside but i think a lot about how isak n even bonded over rap and how some homophobic lyrics in 90s etc rap might have impacted them? or how that little detail ties into julie’s story? e.g. halftime by nas, which is on illmatic] -whats worse. even staring into isaks soul wearing a size xs see-through white t shirt or isak staring at even for five (5) seconds before chugging his beer and immediately making out w emma. OR even crashing that party before it can start “i think you guys are bonding too much” cheesy ass shjhfsdhskdf -yall act like evak didnt invent hands. did even shaking isak’s shoulder telling him his apartment is nice mean nothing to u -im convinced robyn wrote call your girlfriend for this scene specifically bc how could anything fit so perfectly by coincidence -is anything better than egging isak on- even bech naesheim (2016) -idk if yall have read the scripts but i love the sock thing so much bc its soo true to how isak thinks and it makes everything so much more interesting and !!!

ep4  -i will never get over even sending isak bad seinfeld memes -even smacking open isak’s locker. first of all whew second of all u think as soon as he got into the stairwell he lowkey cried bc ow -parallel of isak saying “it’s 2016, why are you religious?” to sana vs. emma’s “it’s 2016, get out of the closet” to isak anyone :( -”takk sanasol!!!!” thank u isak for my life -I wanted to be with you aloneeeee -even’s face when he sees the pool like we get it youre a director -how many times do i need to say even is such a dick sjkfsd “does it look like i care about my hair?” “usually but not right now” like this would only work on isak i love soulmates!! -even just.. fully choking isak out ssdhgfd got em -when the first notes of im kissing you start ooh boy -even going in for the kill kiss and isak going from huh to oooo shit and pushing his lips out at the last minute. phenomenal 

ep5 -ngl as soon as im not in love comes on my heart goes uwu bc like!!!! that song the meaNING.... them......... i jus love this scene sm like theyre in their own little bubble and they both feel so comfortable and at peace :((  -even leaving isak comics about an inside joke of theirs like yall mind if i scream -isak feeling left out from the conversation and his friends whew i felt that... and having them talk about how gross it is to makeout with a girl w facial hair?? blease :( -taking stock of isak’s nicknames: issy k, isabell, izzy, baby jesus, -im not even gonna bother trying to articulate thoughts on Pause bc it’s a literal masterpiece. thank u tarjei henrik and julie for inventing television with this one  -MAGNUS SDFKJSDFJKDSHK "oooh my name is Jonas and I love idealism and reading klassekampen and I don’t like plastic and I skate on a skateboard made of sustainable wood and wear old clothes because new clothes are bad for the environment and I only drink recycled water” screAMMM -what i said abt pause also applies to pride ugh its such a powerful scene and!! the beginning of kicks to isaks stomach. honestly what i fucking love about this episode is how it goes from hell yea best day w even ever to crying in the street within one week (s3 had the best balance of angst and payoff thanks) -even’s Soft Party Flannel... forever tainted by this scene rip -not knowing why even kissed sonja keeps me up at night -speaking of. how used and stupid isak must’ve felt when he saw even completely unbothered, hooking up w his ex at this party?? whew :( -bros is one of my all time favourite clips solely bc of the music?? lift me up gives me chills and when hold my liquor starts i LOSE it -ep5 and 6 remind me of that quote “to see what your characters are really made of you have to break them” because julie rlly goes all in and god it hurts so good

ep6 -never have i ever seen insomnia portrayed as accurately as tarjei did here and i remember when i first watched the cantina scene i was like. winded bc its SO true to sleep deprivation whew -i really like that isak wasnt together with even when he reached out for help and came out to jonas. bc it was him, on his own, being strong enough to talk to his friends and then eventually he was confident and secure enough in himself to be in a good place when even started reaching back out!! -i have no idea what its like to come out to someone, to be afraid of your friends rejecting you, everything isak went through. but tarjei’s acting of when, like, you have something you KNOW you have to tell someone, and youve put yourself in the position where youre going to have to tell them, but youre terrified and eventually just force yourself SAY the words??  -and isak’s smile when he realizes jonas is gonna be his bro no matter what :’)))

ep7 -weirdly one of my favourite isak looks (black t-shirt grey snapback c-c-c-combo) -”what’s your name again?” have i mentioned i love sana and isak bc i love sana and isak -jonas truly is the best friend oh man. perceptive, thoughtful, loving, laidback, a friggen BRO. tbh i was wary of him in s1 and thought he didn’t treat eva well (tho I recognized he loved her a lot, he was just bad at being a boyfriend) but jonas in s3?? just goes to show how powerful your perspective of someone can change viewing them in a different role!! because while jonas was a crappy bf, he literally is SUCH an incredible friend and his actions and words and just! him! in s3 completely redeemed any illwill I had towards him :’) -maybe im a little gay (up there with other s3 comedy classics such as “thats a boys name”) -mahdi season WHEN ugh a legend -’when someone asks isak if hes going to a family party’ literally what other reason for living do i have if not to read the boy squad text convos -isaks locker finally opening and his smile at evens drawing whewwwwwww!! also even rlly is that guy who wont text you back but will leave hand written love letters in ur locker -also. another stellar look from valtersen -slutt a meld meg is a whole masterpiece like what other piece of media has the RANGE -eskild: play hard to get. jonas: no smiley!!! isak: nah fam im good B)

ep8 -this episode is BEAUTIFUL bc you feel practically euphoric?? like hell yeah theyre finally together!! isak is out and accepted and even is done with sonja! but theres also this unsettling undercurrent of worry bc you know deep down something isnt right? why is sonja calling isak? why is even acting kinda strange? whats going on? yknow?? -literally never going to get over 5 fine frokner :~) even is such a goddamn nerd and he’s the man of isak’s dreams can u believe!!  -sana’s little speech is SO important in so many ways ooo i love her so much -also have we discussed eskild making evak do a photoshoot for him. highkey those are my favourite pictures of ALL time u can tell even was like hm strange but im down while isak was more omg guys stop🙄 omg haha eskild i cant believe youre making me cuddle with even for a photo🙄 i cant believe ur making me snuggle this dude for a pic!!!! definitely would not have done this otherwise!!! -magnus only realizing it’s THAT even after seeing how isak looks at him. whew -isak is so brave i rlly love that kid! his text to his mamma <3 -no r*make will EVER nail text conversations like mari/julie did w evak’s this week thanks for coming to my ted talk. i'd quote the best ones but it would literally double the length of this post (ok ill cave. “hahaha shut up❤️” GETS me) -you dont know whats in store but you know what youre here for. hallo -isak running around oslo with even’s clothes looking for him :( his heart is so big he cares about even so so much -when Part II (on the run) comes on in the credits its like a kick in the teeth honestly

ep9 -ive already screamed enough about cherry wine but god it fucks me up -cannot put into words how much I love eskild and how good of a person he is, he just has so much love in his heart  -”wait they have waffles here? see ya” -this convo is why i love skam so much!!!! magnus giving insight and good thoughtful advice to isak was such a brilliant move by julie (also truLy heartwarming) bc like. magnus is a flawed layered character! he’s dumb and ignorant and not very careful with his words BUT hes also such a sweet guy. i genuinely dont think he would hurt a fly and him talking about vilde (in ep10) is ;-; bc he really likes her and respects her and wants to be a gentleman! hes so loving and just. yeah. also i wonder if isak and magnus (and vilde) ever talked about having mentally ill parents and lent on each other for support bc like....<3 [sidenote- this is why i HATE b***** like they absolutely massacred magnus’s character and magnus did not deserve that!] -det er bare slutt........ very cool of tarjei to invent acting here. also the character development makes me WEEP like at first isak lied and told his pappa it was over bc its easier to brush stuff off and say you were joking than be vulnerable especially about 1. having a boyfriend and 2. saying youve already broken up?? but then isak was like hey im done with lying about who i am bc i want my life to be REAL and he told his dad the truth even if it was hard and even if he was trying rlly hard not to cry  -isak reaching out to even<3 standing up for even<3 -o helga natt. another scene i genuinely cannot comment on bc u cant really put into any written language how magical and breathtaking and heartbreaking and powerful and brilliant this scene is. so. -jk. obvs i cant say anything intelligent enough to give this scene justice but probably the most stunning piece of television i have ever had the privilege of watching. even’s text breaks my heart every gd time (esp since we never really see this side of him before finding out he’s bipolar? his guilt, insecurity, feeling like a burden, being scared of losing everyone in his life because he thinks he’ll hurt them). the music is SO beautiful i cry real tears as soon as the strings start. also the brilliance of JUST o helga natt playing and no dialogue except for isaks one line? isak’s realization when he sees the cross. him RUNNING across oslo to go to even. the FLASHBACKS all going backwards in chronological order until them smoking on the bench. isak looking at the bench and not seeing even and u can feel his heart breaking and urs breaks too! but then he remembers the bathroom and he turns and theres even and whewwww. du er ikke alene<3

ep10 -minutt for minutt is THE most healing clip im telling u. and like.. seeing even depressed really is hard and as someone who was very very depressed for 4-ish yrs of their life it rlly hits me? like when youre in an especially bad funk and you cant get out of bed and youre just numb and exhausted and feel so shitty and u want to be alone but you really dont???? could go on but literally i owe henrik holm my life for his portrayal of even  -not to be a soft bitch on main but when isak tucks the blanket over even and it keeps getting pulled off his back so isak just. covers that spot with himself? -i do love that call between sonja and isak bc once again! a flawed (realistic) human being -and isak thinking its his fault even is depressed? it means a lot that sonja told him its no ones fault, even is just bipolar. and i wonder if isak felt that way about his mamma as well, guilty for her being ill, and if what sonja said made him feel better about that situation too :( -lowkey random but when isak is rambling really fast and he goes “maybe we’ll get bombed tomorrow and talking about all this is a waste of time” it continually punches me in the throat bc that is /exactly/ how i ramble and think like tarjei........ pls -like eskild said. there really is so much love in isak’s little grumpy teenage body<3 -isak no longer just passively accepting life as its given to him, now he fights for him and even!!!!!  -isak is such a forgiving person and seeing him able to just accept things and move on? incredible -i remember when i first watched ep1 i was like oooo even and isak are gonna be kosegruppa partners and thats when theyll first get together, cooking food or smth!! but lmfao after episode 3? kosegruppa whomst???? also hilarious vilde thought isak of all people would willingly sign up for kosegruppa just to go to revue parties -even and linn friendship!!!! -cannot articulate how mf heartwarming it is to see even smiling and being more himself after being depressed (also thank u julie for having ups and downs coming out of his depression- its so true to life having one day when youre feeling awesome and then the next you feel awful again for no reason and its SO frustrating) -I had to stop watching passe pa meg cause it made me toooooo crazy! it would just be like: “I like seeing you laugh” and I was like: *SCREAMS* -im the fucking master of lying 😤 -literally don’t know why isak and even ragging on kosegruppa is so funny but “did you think I joined to have fun” gets me every time -I SAW YOU THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL -also even literally radiating love @ isak watching get snarky w vilde on the phone bc it reminded him of the first time he saw him! even rly is that boyfriend who thinks isak being pissy is the Best Thing he has Ever seen -halla boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz -literally the glo up of isak telling his friends the order in which he’d bang them -No filter! wow I love symbolism -so nice to see the girls together for a lil bit :) -the boys hyping up mags while also telling him to be respectful awwwwww -take desperate to a whole new level- Confucius  -who’s going to show isak how to properly hold a beer can -literally evak banter gets me thru the day. thank u tarjei and henrik for having phenomenal chemistry + improvisation skills + making isak and even the dumbest nerdiest boys i have ever seen -biology partner. and friend. ;-; -even literally is the biggest stoner blease -isak’s talk with eva is just sooooo<3 and not to be emo on main but every single word of the last few sentences he says hit me so gd hard because i feel the exact same way in my BONES -livet er nå 💛

final thoughts :( <3 -this season is so special. it feels like one really long oscar-worthy movie or smth?? i cant even exblain, its just magical. ALSO very dear to my heart. -julie really said you guys have seen isak sad and alone and repressed for the past two seasons so heres him falling in love with the best person in the world and coming to terms with who he is and being brave and opening up and finally being happy and living a real life -this season definitely feels different from s1/2/4 to me editing or production or music smth wise? as in, its got a lot fewer aesthetic shots and the cinematography seems a bit different if that makes any sense???? I also think this is the season most focused just on the main (i.e. not many- if any? sideplots going on) -literally will never get over the thought, love, and detail put into this season. when i say there is literally nothing i would change about it, i mean it and coming from my nitpicky ass??? means a lot lmfao. the acting, directing, music choices, symbolism...... sublime -s3′s cold rainy autumn aesthetic makes me ACHE for fall and also nostalgic for a highschool experience I never had lmao?? also. all the nighttime clips >>> -don’t know what else to say except thank u skam for my life

[fairycosmos]

So im going to be doing psychiatric inpatient tomorrow and im horribly frightened. My s.o. and friends want me to go, but the idea of being trapped without home comforts and the people I love scares me so much Ive considered running away from the hospital or convincing them I dont need it. I know that my depression and psychosis is getting worse and I probably need the help, but im upset that the people I care about would rather send me away than just, be supportive. Any advice?

hey love. well first of all i just want to say that i’m really fucking proud of you for reaching out in the first place. that’s literally a monumental step to take, and it requires unbelievable strength, which you obviously have. honestly, i think that you’re allowed to be scared. you’re completely allowed to not want to go, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. fear of the unknown, of change, of talking about what’s going on in your head, of not being around your family - those are all stressful experiences, and terror is a natural human reaction to them. you dont have to push it away, you’re not wrong for feeling it. it would be weird if you weren’t afraid, actually, especially at this point. it’s alright to just process it, and to work through it one hour at a time. or one minute at a time, if an hour seems like too much. but it’s not alright to let these emotions control you completely, or to let them blind you, or to cope with them in an unhealthy way. that’s the distinguishing line - it’s the difference between having a thought, and actually acting on it. the truth is, you don’t know what it’s going to be like. when you’re overly anxious, your mind kind of convinces you that negative thoughts are 100% true, but that’s not the case. your worries are not premonitions. the future doesn’t even exist yet, it’s not something that is currently in your control. while the hospital will probably be sad and uncomfortable, it’s likely that it will also be relieving and peaceful. you have to take the good with the bad, and let that be enough. think of the worst case scenario, and the best case scenario, and prepare yourself for it turning out to be somewhere in the middle, in actuality. it’s wonderful that you can recognize that you actually do need help. the level of self awareness you have could save your life. that’s a tangible fact that you can hold on to. when your brain tries to tell you that you dont need to talk to anyone, or when the anxiety takes over, you can always ground yourself in reality. and the reality of it is that you’re not well. but support is available, and your current situation is not where you’ll always be. you’re not alone. there’s no shame in needing treatment, you know? your mental health is just as important as your physical health, and sometimes it needs intense care in order to improve, just like any other bodily ailment. please, please try to constantly bring your mindset back to looking after yourself. please try to keep that your top priority, even when you don’t feel capable, even when you’re afraid. you’re not going to regret doing what’s right for you, ever. it sounds cliche, and it sounds like bullshit, and maybe it’ll take a while before you actually believe me but eventually, you will. seeking professional guidance and truly looking into your options will allow you to figure out the root causes of your mental illness, which will then allow you to finally confront them adequately. having someone to talk to consistently, working closely with people that are trained specifically to help you, figuring out your own self destructive patterns and then actively working on refuting them - all of that will add up. every single effort you make is going to pay off.  your future self is going to thank you.

i know it may seem like the people that care about you are just ‘sending you away’, and i can certainly see why your mind would want you to believe that. but i really do think that they think that putting you in hospital is going to help you more than it will hurt you. they want you to be safe and healthy so that they can spend more time with you in the future, and so you dont have to live with all of the pain and heaviness that you’ve been living with so far. a depressive brain will ALWAYS make it look like everyone is sick of you, or like nobody understands, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. of course, i dont know what the dynamic is like with your family, but i’m certain that there are at least some people in your life that are genuinely doing this with good intentions. i’m not saying you shouldn’t feel the way you do, because i can 100% understand why you perceive the situation like that, i’m just saying there is more than one side to it. it’s not as black and white as just wanting to ‘send you away’, you know? in addition, you’ll be amazed at your own ability to adapt and to grow and to improve. if you’re honest with the professionals, and if you’re willing to just give it a go, then that’s what matters the most. the simple act of trying is more than good enough, man. not having home comforts, and not seeing your family as much will obviously be very upsetting. that’s to be expected, therefore it’s something you can prepare yourself for. something you can work through. you can come to terms with it at your own pace, in your own way. you will learn how to handle it because you have the tools to do so, and that’s really all you need. running away from the hospital wont change anything, and convincing people that you’re okay when you’re not could have disastrous consequences, and is also rather unlikely. it’s clear that the best choice you can make at this moment in time is to  put yourself first utterly and completely. even before your own fear. it’s a lot easier said than done, i know. and since it’s the day before you have to go, this is the worst it’s going to be in terms of how scared you are. but you dont want to look back in a few months or a few years and regret not grabbing the opportunity to get help when it was right in front of you. and that fact is far more important than any temporary emotional turmoil that you’re dealing with. it may help to talk to your parents or a family member/friend about how you’re feeling tonight, so that you dont need to carry the worry all on your own. 

again, i’m extremely proud of you. and i think you’re going to do so so well. you just need to give yourself a fair chance, that’s all. this process isn’t supposed to be easy or comforting, especially not at first, but it’s also not going to be anywhere near as bad as you think it’s going to be. i’m sorry angel, i get that it’s difficult, and i wish there was something i could actually do for you. but i’m rooting for you so so much. you’re strong, capable, worthy and loved. and you’re a good person. even if you cant see it at the moment. your happiness and mental well being is so important. the hospital stay isn’t going to last forever, but what you learn there might. i’m sending you all of the love in my heart. i seriously hope you’re able to find the peace that you deserve. i’ll keep you in my thoughts. i’m always here if you need a friend, or if you want to talk about it properly. hit me up any time.

[yeoldontknow]

Mourning Air

Author’s Note: oh no, i’ve made myself very sad. can someone please request jongin fluff so i can feel better holy **title taken from the Portishead song of the same name

Pairing: Kai x Reader (oc; female) (although the gender is kind of ambiguous so you can take it as you wish)

Warnings: heavy angst; swearing; references to cheating

Word count: 1,879

When you look at Jongin, all at once, you are twenty three. 

You are looking at Jongin, and you are twenty three. It’s September, you’re twenty three, and the air is crisp with possibility. In front of you, the future expands and stretches like a safety net. You’re not scared to be reckless, you’re not scared to make mistakes because his fingers are entwined with yours and he’s laughing. He’s laughing, and it sounds like music, like the very noise itself could save you. He’s laughing and you count every single choice you made that got you here, to this sound, and you kiss them all. You’re thankful. You’re happy. The boy of bronze and gold has decided that he loves you.

You’re twenty three and you’re looking at Jongin.

You’re twenty three, it is September, and you’re looking at Jongin.

You’re twenty six, it is October, and Jongin is kissing another woman with the full length of his tongue. He’s kissing her the way he’s reserved for you.

You’re looking at Jongin, you’re twenty seven, and it is raining.

He’s standing in the middle of your living room, looking lost and nervous, and he’s drowning in the green hoodie you love so much. It’s old now, older than you remember it being, worn and fraying at the sleeves, but it’s still perfect. 

He’s still perfect.

Neither of you wants to speak, not yet. No, that’s not true. You’re being devoured by all the things you need to say but can’t release into the atmosphere because they will crush you. The last six months have been filled with nothing but questions, some you’ve yelled at walls, others you’ve swallowed down with a bottle of vodka and a fit of tears. But now, with him in standing front of you, sad and soft, your voice has abandoned you. It’s vanished at the sight and smell of him, and you’ve suddenly never felt more alone.

‘Thanks for letting me in,’ he whispers, eyes everywhere but yours.

You simply nod.

His gaze falls on the doorway to the bedroom and his polite smile crumples. From where he’s standing, you know exactly what he sees. Part of you thinks you left the door open subconsciously, that you wanted him to see it, that you needed him to see it.

This is your war. Silent and subtle, and absolutely lethal. 

Last week, you decided to heal. Today, he wants back in. And you refuse him.

‘You’re redoing the bedroom?’ 

Something has died in his voice and, while you sense your seams starting to come apart at the sound, you feel slightly, bitterly victorious.

‘I have to,’ you cough.

‘I thought you loved the grey.’

‘You picked it out.’

‘Yeah, but you were so excited about it.’

He hasn’t torn his eyes away from the room, from the sea foam green eating its way up the walls like algae. You’re glad for it, hoping he takes it all in. You’re erasing him, smothering the remains of him with new pieces of yourself, like a skin graft. 

But he’s focused so intensely on the room, he’s missed the point altogether.

‘You picked it out,’ you repeat, and this time you are sure he gets it. 

The meaning glazes over him and you watch his shoulders slump. He’s crestfallen and finally getting it, and when he looks at you once again, you think the sun has gone from the earth forever.

This is what you wanted, for months. You’ve imagined this day in and day out since you started seeing his hands on someone else’s waist, but all you have anymore is longing. He’s right in front of you, and in all of your fantasies he never looked this sad. If you’re being honest, you don’t think you’d ever seen this expression on his face - even when you were screaming at him, even when you were sobbing at him to leave, he still looked at least like he would survive.

This is eviscerating him.

This is eviscerating you, but at least you had time to prepare. 

He takes one cautionary step towards you, but you step back in equal measures and you release a shuddering moan. There’s a betrayal growing in your bones, spreading into your muscles and ignoring your mind and all logical reason. You know you should hate him, you actually do, but your body wants to nestle itself into the fabric of that hoodie, wants to smell and taste and touch all the things it once called mine.

You’re looking at Jongin and he is nothing but nostalgia.

‘I don’t know what to say,’ he sighs.

‘There’s really nothing to say.’ You’re quiet and you’re dry as you speak, afraid that too many words will give all your emotions away.

He raises his eyebrows high and laughs, a cold, empty laugh. ‘Are you kidding? I have so much I want to explain to you.’

‘I don’t want any of it, Jongin. You made everything explicitly clear.’

‘I got comfortable in love,’ he admits in a rush, ignoring you as he was so wont to do. ‘I got comfortable and I didn’t see how -’ 

‘How what?’ you scoff. ‘Isn’t comfortable supposed to be a good thing? Aren’t you supposed to feel like it’s easy and safe?’

‘Yes,’ he concedes, ‘but that’s not what I’m saying.’

Now it’s your turn to raise your eyebrows in disbelief. ‘Then what are you saying? That I was boring?’ 

‘No, I don’t know, maybe. But it wasn’t about you, not really, I took you -’ 

You don’t want to hear that he took you for granted because you already knew that he did. You don’t want to hear that he took you for granted because you knew that you let him. You let him take and take and take from you because you thought that was what he needed to stay. You let him take from you until you had nothing left of yourself to give.

‘I let you pull me apart, Jongin!’ you shout. ‘I turned myself into someone who could compromise for you. For years, I pulled out the pieces of me I thought you wouldn’t like - so I could be better for you.’

‘And you think I didn’t do the same?’ he says, returning your volume.

You cross your arms over your chest, protecting yourself from the echo. ‘You couldn’t have. If you did, you wouldn’t have been able to walk away.’

‘I walked away because I didn’t recognize me anymore! I walked away for us both.’

Jongin was many things for you, many beautiful, exquisite, gentle things, but even when he broke you, even when he burned away every fond memory you had until there was nothing left but a comical, chaotic villain you never took him for a liar. And this, this statement, makes you cackle in a surprise that borders on sinister.

‘You really think that’s what you did?’ you sneer. ‘Let me tell you what you did. You took pieces of me, Jongin, tiny pieces that were so small I didn’t even notice I was letting you have them, until all I had was you. And then you left. You destroyed me.’

Momentarily, he looks like he could cry. His eyes are shining, glistening with something you think could be grief but is more likely regret, and you think you could cry too. You could cry, but you won’t. You’ve let him make you into so many different things over the years and you’ve finally learned how to make yourself once more. 

‘I did that to me too,’ he says, biting his lip.

You want to kiss him. You want to kiss him until you’re both bleeding from the force of it. You want to kiss him until you don’t know where your lips end and his begin. 

You want to kiss him, but instead you cut at him with your words. You cut him with the truth.

‘No,’ you declare, loudly. ‘No, because you still won in some way. You were still whole. I had nothing from you, but you had all of me and you fucking obliterated it. Are you satisfied with the mess you’ve created out of me?’ 

‘I know I didn’t deserve you -’

‘You didn’t.’

‘But I loved you. I still love you.’

It sounds exactly the way he used to say it, and you know he means it. Really, you know he thinks he means it. But the problem is that it sounds the same, not new or different or better, it sounds exactly as you remember it and it absolutely breaks your heart.

It sounds the same, and that’s why you don’t believe it even if he thinks it’s true. 

‘Those are just empty words to me. I can’t trust you anymore, Jongin.’ Your voice is wavering now, starting to collapse under all the pressure of love lost and love found once more, and you need to get him out so you can cry in peace. ‘I can never trust you again.’

‘Let me try and fix it, then!’ he exclaims, stepping towards you. ‘We had something great -’

Squeezing your eyes shut, you step back enough so you can stop your arms from reaching for him. You open your eyes and you settle your face into something that you think can mask all the pain. You hope it looks like anger.

‘What we had was more than that!’ you hiss. ‘I was ready to marry you, Jongin! I was fucking waiting for it, and you spent, how long, two months with another woman?’ 

‘Look, I didn’t come here for us both to feel like shit -’

‘You hurt me!’ you scream, alarming both him and yourself. ‘You hurt me and you deserve to feel like shit.’

When you found him at the door, he looked optimistic. When you let him stand in your doorway, he looked anxious. Now, in the wake of your words, he looks utterly defeated. Now, he finally agrees - there is nothing to say at all.

‘I think you should go,’ you whisper, biting your cheeks to redirect all the pain in your heart.

All he does is nod and walk quietly to the door. You don’t bother to watch him as he goes, and you only know he’s gone when you finally hear the click of the door.

You have one last memory of him, one last memory that he’s finally able to burn away from you.

‘Come on!’ he says, coyly tapping your nose and giving you a million dollar smile. ‘Go on a date with me. What’s there to lose?’ 

When you’re standing beneath the sun, in its arms and inches from its lips, it’s hard not to smile too. So you do and you agree, and you are blinded by a love for him. You feel all your insides flutter at the sight, his head cocked back and a gleeful laugh turning his mouth into a perfect circle. You want to share this moment with him, want to dance freely with him, and jump, and play, and revel in the joy of it. 

But he asked you what there was to lose and you’re scared you already know the answer.

What is there to lose?

You, you think. Just you.

[pensurfing]

Caitlin’s Three Things List

Okay, so moments (probably hours by the time I finish this) ago I wrote a goals list that I think is good for self-evaluation. (Keyword: This is what I think. results may vary depending on what you’re looking for.)

I’m going to hop to it and answer some of these that I laid out in hopes of having a better idea of what I want to accomplish. 

The Three Things Lists!

1) Three things that went well this year.

* Audience growth

So once upon a time, I grew a pretty decent following due to creating an Inktober Prompt list. My expectations: Maybe two of my friends would do this, maybe. And then one stranger that has followed me for a while. (There are a few followers I recognize their username because if I post something they always like it and for some reason that keeps me going.)

But because of this prompt, I was exposed to MANY new creators and illustrators that I now enjoy chatting with and following! Instagram had the biggest maintained growth. I’m excited to create for an audience that actually expects me to create and not just for friends who see my things “whenever they aren’t busy”. (Not to bash them or anything, just there are a lot where unless I tell them, they don’t see the posts I make.)

Another surge of growth in my audience was due to tabling at conventions this year. I was terrified to show my work let alone attempt to sell it to someone. Tabling at cons not only boosted my confidence but also quieted one of my ever going demons. “YoU sUcK aT dRaWiNg CaItLiN.” “How do you have a degree? oh right, you just barely passed.” I can’t say this is the case, there is an audience that genuinely enjoys my scribbles. So I am forever thankful to Atlanta Comic Con for giving me that chance. It honestly opened a few doors for me.

**Process

I’ve gotten more comfortable with showing my process. It can be messy, crisp, and illogical. But turns out the people who enjoy my content enjoy my scrambled thoughts. It’s something about not being alone in this sort of sense that calms the nerves.

So I can say with chest poked out that sharing process has gotten MUCH better. I can thank a self-help book I bought this year that was a FANTASTIC BUY. Austin Kleon has [two] (currently? If he has more then I’m buying it like people buy a name brand.) books that helped me see that it is GREAT to share not only the process but advice. “Show Your Work” is the book I’m talking about for now. Great tips, the outline is on the back of the book. So if you’re like me, I need to clearly see what I might be getting into, you might have a ball.

And finally, (not calling myself out on this but other) If you’re going to respond to people when they ask you “how do you___?” do not answer “Google it”. That is the rudest thing I’ve seen some of even my FAVORITE illustrators do; that response can burn in hell. PERIODT. (my one typo allowed.)

*** Art Style Exploration

For those who think college will help you establish an art style that you’ll enjoy or help nourish the one you currently have.... Let me save you over 80K.... No, the fuck it won’t.

That was the biggest thought I had going into art school. If anything, it confused me more and utterly destroyed what little confidence I had in my drawing style. After graduating, I had a huge swing from how I used to draw to how my art currently looks. I stopped trying to please the one professor who stood between me and my degree and started drawing to please my tastes. And guess what? That did something. And that something WORKED. I love what I draw now; I see why I chose this as my career path. I’m genuinely happy with how my pieces turn out versus in college just wanting to turn the damn thing in and hoping it isn’t an F.

2) Three things you could have handled better.

* The loss of a good paying client.

Now hear me out when I say this: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL a good client. Say that three times and then exhale.

Back earlier this year, I had the opportunity to work with a writer who gave me hell and back. And even that is an understatement. I dealt with her because in school you were taught “if they pay on time, finish the work and get the exposure.” 

I’m here to tell you my lesson learned: A good paying client DOES NOT EQUAL good exposure, good pay, a good client. 

I was doing the work of three for the price of one and a half. (And was always told I charged too much.) She tried abusing this power with friends of mine, with other illustrators. When things turned out bad, she tried saying it was my fault. She read my contract and then tried telling me I changed the wording, I purposely did this thing, another thing was my fault. I could go on with this story.

The part that I wish I handled better?

How I treated myself afterward. I’m so used to people telling me, “Cait, this is what you do wrong. This is how you fix it.” that I don’t consider my own feelings, and when I bring my feelings into the scenario they no longer matter. Because they tell me they don’t matter. In this case, I wish I had treated me better, because my feelings, my mental health, DOES matter.

**My Patience Getting Into Conventions.

Pretty self-explanatory. I got into one, finished one, and wanted to do eight more in a week. But this sort of thing just takes time and I need to accept that.

***My losses

I had to listen to a Little Mix song to actually learn this one. The context of the song is nowhere near the topic at hand. But a verse from Power feat Stomzy really packs a punch after this year: 

“ You look him in the eye and say, "I know I'm not a guy But see there's power in my losses and there's power in my wins" “

I had to look one of my demons in the face, and state something similar. My loses mean I’m trying. My loses piling shows I’m not willing to give up easily, and that is something that took a while to be content with.

3) Three things artistically you want to improve on.

*Composition

It’s not awful, but it can be better.

**Color

I told this BOLDLY if I might add while critiquing someone else’s portfolio; “Your color palette is boring. All your [things] look as if they are from the same universe, during the same time of day, with the same kind of mood. After three photos it’s bland, boring, and understood you have a preference.” 

Can you say damn Cait? The statement was, in fact, true, but I certainly could not talk. My color palette is mainly bright, pop, and happy. In order to tell a story, I KNOW it is best told with color. And I failed myself this year. But I sure won’t next year.

***My Damn Tag

Okay, alright. Why is it well-established artists have their tag figured out? Even some who’s art style is so recognizable (I’m looking HEAVILY at you Gabriel Piccolo.) we know it’s theirs, seem to have a tag that suits them and works for them. But more importantly, they put it in A VERY DECENT SPOT. SOMEONE SHARE THIS SCIENCE WITH ME? CAUSE APPARENTLY I DON’T GET IT.

4) Three things you want to focus on trying.

*More backgrounds.

As much as it pains me, I need to improve on backgrounds and perspective. When I do make backgrounds, I’m told I make great pieces. That I should look into becoming a background artist. And don’t get me wrong, I like them. But I don’t like them.

I feel as though I need to improve in that region so that way I don’t feel as though it’s a weakness of mine. My backgrounds are nice, but they aren’t nice to my standards.

**More designs

I love character designs, but let’s be real. If you were to scroll down my site or my Instagram page, or even this Tumblr archive, could you tell? 

I draw characters a lot sure, but none are designs. No process, no sheets, no turnarounds, none of that. So that’s a huge goal of mine for 2019.

***Scheduling posting

At one point I was pretty good at this. Live stream in Instagram and Twitter, cool. Videos on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. Cool. Everywhere gets a photo, everywhere gets a silly one-liner. Yay. I’m not leaving anything out.

Well by the end of this year that totally crumbled. 

SO I want to try getting better at that thing there. Because having attempted this at the end of the year was cool, but it still wasn’t enough apparently.

5) Three positive things to tell yourself.

* You are an inspiration. That’s all you wanted to be in life, you did it. I’m proud of you.

**You didn’t kill yourself like you tried to; you opened up about it for once and used that pint up anger creatively. That is very hard to do, trust. I’m proud of you.

***You moved on, matured, and let it go. Even when the goddess inside you told you these peasants didn’t deserve your light, your friendship, your greatness. I’m proud of you.

I’m just proud of me for not snapping when I had every right to; not everything deserves a reaction.

6) Three negative things you want to leave for 2018.

*Comparisons 

Oh boy. I am extremely guilty for this: I’ll compare myself to a well-known illustrator my age. I’ll compare myself to friends who are in the field having a blast and getting work; I’ll compare myself to friends who aren’t in the field and they struggle at getting work. I’ll compare myself to the kid I graduated high school with who is traveling the world, is able to eat, come home to his dog and relax because he doesn’t have tuition to pay. I’ll compare myself to these goddamn baby boomers who keep repeating “We didn’t have it hard, you’re just being stupid. Millennials aka our children deserve to starve. We’ll just put our faith in our grandchildren because screw the kids we raised and refuse to pay accordingly. $7 an hour worked in my day, they need to make it work now.” I’ll compare myself to fake people I created in my head and purposely made scenarios and wonder why I’m not like them, said creations I made because I was pretty low for ten minutes...

I just compare myself too much. To any damn body. It’s draining, obnoxious and most of all pointless. My new motto for next year is: “Unless it is helping you grow yourself, your brand, your spirituality, don’t do it.”

I’m not comparing my chapter two to someone’s chapter thirty-five. I’m not even comparing my chapter two to someone else’s chapter two. I need to stop doing that PERIOD! My journey is different, unique, and worth seeing through.

**Listening to negative others.

A couple of years ago, I lost a close friend around the time my aunt passed away. During this time I was hypersensitive to any and everything done or said; I also kept many walls up to hide my mourning. He caught the crossfire of all of that. I kept secrets from him I was too prideful of admitting and lashed out because of the emotional turmoil I kept suppressed. While in the midst of packing his things and leaving my life, he mentioned that I was a failure because I was unemployed and artistically speaking I hadn’t accomplished anything; that I would remain that way because that’s just the person I deserved to be. Now mind you, I graduated college that year; he was a flunk out. I changed my art style dramatically compared to when I started school to pass; he thought just posting crappy pictures of lukewarm sketches were equivalent. I started attempting trends and all he could do was copy. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to bash my old friend. If he were to come back into my life and move on like nothing had happened I’d do the same. (With some limitations.)

It’s just while typing out this scenario, of our four-year friendship I can’t think of one nice thing/compliment/gesture he has said to me. That’s my problem.

I can be praised, admired, and look highly upon for years straight. But my problem is I let others negative thinking and comments marinate with me for a long while. Too long of a while.

Another example is my mother’s friend. (My mom has many friends that do this shit, but this one stung more.) 

This friend always roots for me; treats me like a person, and encourages my artistic journey. I consider her family before my actual relatives. 

We went over for some barbeque the family was having and I was ready. Black Hallmark Cookouts, laughing, good food, good music, shit talking others teams. She asked me a harmless question of when was I going to quit my day job. Seemed like nothing at first, until the added gest of what she continued with. “All I’m saying is you can’t do [your day job] forever. That will get old. If the art thing doesn’t work out next year what’s plan b?”

I’m not a calm person (usually). Normal Caitlin would have cursed her out and mentioned how just because she chose a job to settle and be miserable at for most of her life doesn’t mean I have to follow suit. But again, of all the nice encouraging things she has done, said, and showed, for a while, I couldn’t think of it. 

So I pray I let go of this nasty behavior in 2018; it’s going to be hard but it is dire.

***Saying I’m Not Enough

Alright, now put the combination of the two above in a bowl and what do you get? A Caitlin who struggles in interviews and applying for jobs because I let comparisons and negative comments rule my thoughts. This stopped me from applying to jobs I would have been perfect for; internships that could have helped me; posting art online.

We (including me) have to stop thinking that in order to be an illustrator means we have to pass a certain threshold of struggle, success, and a huge number of followers. That isn’t the job description. NO JOB DESCRIPTION has ”must have at least 10K followers on Instagram or Twitter.” nOnE. 

So we (including me) need to stop treating ourselves this way. Period.

7) Three things you’re looking forward to in 2019.

*Going to move conventions.

**Adding pieces to my portfolio to try again at job hunting.

***Becoming content with the fact that my current situation isn’t my permanent situation. Unless I laze around and make it so.

Alright, so this was basically me calling myself out on my noise. Lashing out my demons and putting it in writing what I want to accomplish. I hope this inspires you to write yours, even if you keep it private. I hope it guides you and maintains your vision.

I’ll see you in 2019

A new wave

Caitlin xx

[crypticquantumentanglement]

After an incredible amount of indecision, questioning, doubt, and fear, I have decided to go back on my bipolar medication. After 12 years, I've finally reached a point where I just couldnt live with myself any longer.

I was always rather stubborn when it came to taking my meds before. I never wanted to. I didnt like how they made me feel. Looking back, however, I don't think it was so much of how they made me feel but what they made me feel. They made me capable of actually being leveled enough to process my problems or various situations. They gave me the potential to allow myself to have peace in my life and I just wasnt ready to be at peace.

I reveled in anguish, negativity, and pain. There is a part of me that is always trying to be like that. Finding a problem when everything is perfect. Creating one if one can't be found. Punishing myself because I tell myself im worth nothing. Pushing people out of my life because i feel like i dont deserve them. Chasing them out and cutting them off if they wouldnt let me push them out. Not doing things I love because what right do I have to be any kind of special. Disinterested in everything because whats the point in having enjoyment when everything is so intolerable. Refusing to eat because I feel sick to my stomach from the anxiety. Unable to sleep well from the nightmares feeding my exhaustion. Bringing myself to the brink of utter emotional and physical destruction.

The flip side to this is worse in a way. Feeling completely unstoppable. On top of the world. Doing and saying things that are completely out of character for me. Being someone that i dont recognize. Spending money I dont have to spend. Overbooking myself with appointments trying to get everything done at once because im so far behind in life already. Pushing myself too hard to do too much. Suddenly being interested in things Ive never cared about before. Feeling "okay" and wanting the company of the people that i had pushed away. Still unable to eat because I've pushed myself too hard and waited too long and i feel sick. Unable to sleep at all, and what little bit I manage is usually only 2-3hrs. Being aware on some level that everything I'm feeling is superficial and wont last because the next round is coming to smack me back into my hole. Fighting against it trying to hold on to the notion that Im being productive and active, therefore i must be okay.

For a long time, I had myself convinced that I was in control. I knew what I was doing and I could handle myself. All that did was enable me to continue cutting myself off from the world and hiding inside my illness. It allowed me to become comfortable in a vicious cycle of emotional distress and poor choices, and at a heavy cost. The biggest highlights being 3 failed suicide attempts with accompanying hospital/psychiatric care stays, a failed marriage, poor parenting to my 2 beautiful children, and telling the love of my life that I couldn't be with him because I was bipolar and I didn't want him to have to go through that with me.

I stayed in horribly abusive relationships. Had the ever loving shit beat out of me. Bones broken, cuts, choked, slammed, drowned, dragged by my hair, locked in a closet, raped, dog killed before my eyes, burned, screamed at, drugged, demeaned, disrespected, disgraced and belittled all at the hands of people I had claimed to love and i stayed anyways. Something I'm having to face now is that isnt love. But it is what i was looking for. Not that I feel at fault for anything that another person chose to do to me, but i got exactly what I was looking for. I was looking for conflict. That part of me that is always looking for something to be upset and distraught over. That was my choice. And i used it to push others out of my life. I used it to fuel my self hatred without directly placing myself in the center of the fire. It gave my negative feelings validation and disallowed me from moving forward.

Staying in these horrible relationship, despite all of the transgressions, allowed for the roller coaster of emotions to be on a continual loop. After every horribe happening, there comes a period of mania. It throws all logical reasoning out the window, and all of a sudden, I'm on top of the world again. Busy, busy, busy. Go, go ,go. Its impossible to process anything in that state of mind. So all the hurt, all the pain, all the trauma just lies in wait. The mania makes it appear tolerable because I cant slow down enough to feel it. And when the mania subsides and makes way for the depressive state, that abuse is what I felt I deserved.

The pitiful state I was letting myself stay in. I dont have words that describe the shame I feel when I think about it. I chose to live like that, and in doing so, I failed to see what i was becoming. I was scared all the time. Skiddish and timid and nervous. Not exactly what one imagines when you think about living life on the edge. Im still that way now and its been 3 years since the last relationship ended. I jump clean out of my skin if someone moves too abruptly in my vicinity. I have flashbacks that make me burst out crying from nowhere. The hyper realistic nightmares wake me up every other hour and make me not want to go back to sleep. But while I was living it, that was what love was to me. Fighting on that level, begging and pleading with the other, crying until my eyes were swollen shut. All for the chance to cuddle in silence until I fell asleep. In my mind, despite the abuse, I was the crazy one, so if they could still want me in the end, then that was love, but it really wasnt.

My children have also fallen victim to my illness. My moods know no bounds when they decide to surface. At times, when I'm manic, I seem like supermom. We do all kinds of things; go all kinds of places. I'm very crafty by nature and being manic gives me the energy to not only do projects with my children, but to actually finish them too. I'll buy them things and spoil them, which is wonderful unless I'm spending when I shouldnt be spending. My children love me like this, and thats a big concern of mine too. They are children, 10 and 5, and have no way of knowing that my overly excited behavior is Mom being ill. They also have no way of knowing that my increasingly aggitated, over tired, angry, disinterested behaviors on the other side of that scale are also a sign of illness. They have been yelled at for senseless stuff, like talking amd laughing. Been made to go to bed early because i was about to pass out from exhaustion myself and i didnt want them up unattended. Had their ever action scrutinized in the most negative fashion. Neglected their homework, neglected their laundry, neglected cooking them hot meals and replaced them with sandwiches or anything my son was able to prepare for himself and his sister so that i didnt have to move. This list could go on forever.

But I have finally had enough. I'm done abusing myself over my mindset. Im done tormenting my children with inconsistent parenting. Im done making myself feel like I'm nothing and pushing everything away. Im done. I'm a singer, I'm an artist, I'm a guitarist, I'm a mother and I'm a friend. I'm a person, not an illness, and I don't want to continue defining myself by it. I will win this. I will take my life back. I will be someone worthy of love and respect. Someone worthy of my children's hearts. I am someone. I am not my illness.