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#and i will suffer and i will work hard and i have to figure things out on my own one day.
doedipus · 5 months
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a large amount of time I've been spending on -untitled undefined scope original fiction project- since the last time I posted about it has been trying to develop the protagonist concept I came up with last summer or whatever into like, a character that would feel real and era appropriate.
it's fun research to do. naturally a lot of the details I assigned to her are things that I already think are cool, so it's been a lot of fun trying to trace her traits back through the relatively recent past, getting reminded of how much things have changed, or where the gaps in my intuition are, and then doing a flurry of reading to get a sense for exactly how someone like her and the people around her could have happened and what her life was probably like leading up to her present day. hopefully this results in some good good verisimilitude.
#I wrote a short story from her perspective over the holidays and then didn't know how to continue it#and then I got distracted by real life stuff for a few months#I forget if I posted about that#and then I've been picking through archive dot org for the last few weeks looking at this stuff#the last big rabbit hole was trying to get a better feel for era appropriate ts/tv subculture#the current one I'm looking at is how she would've gotten into language learning and how that would've worked#nettle has been prodding me about the setting thing lately so I've been thinking about that more too#probably the biggest hurdle by far is figuring out how I want to play that#and how I want the thing to be divided up#since the original coc scenario I'm developing this out of is centered on a flight from LA to honolulu#and the airport dungeon was definitely meant to be a hook for a larger campaign#some amount of it is going to cover protag lady's failed life in LA and some of it is going to be worse things happening in hawaii#but it's like. how much do I want to balance it one way or the other#and realistically how much does the aesthetics of 20th century air travel add to the story#besides me personally thinking it's compelling ofc#a lot of what I find compelling about hawaii is that it's an east/west cultural crossroads and realistically that's also true of socal#and I can wax poetic about socal as much as I want without worrying all that much about mishandling something#and there's also a lot of socal specific history along similar parallels to pull from that I'm more familiar with#I guess it comes down to whether curiosity re: 'doing it right' is enough of a motivator to do the increased amount of research#which I guess it has so far with the above character details. so hopefully that will continue#but it also feels like using machine translation a bit yknow. it's hard to know how effectively I'll be able to sanity check#although depending on where this goes I might be able to get other people involved to sensitivity read down the line#with most of the creative things I do I just have a tendency to always rely really heavily on figuring things out myself#I also want protag lady to have a Cool Car and idk how to get that from point a to point b narratively#this is like an entire second or third post's worth of tags but I don't feel like unfucking this so whatever. suffer. I guess.
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brittlebutch · 1 year
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The 'Enjoying watch you suffer' line in Broadcast has always been hard to pin down; Tim's leg getting broken is the biggest incident in Entry #35, so it's natural to want to tie the two together, but it seems to fit so indelicately into what we know about the timeline of totheark's internal relationship that it almost causes more problems than it resolves. However, even though it's very blink and miss it, Tim does actually manage to stab Alex in the arm before he gets knocked down -- we hear Alex cry out in pain, can see blood on the blade when Jay picks it up, and then in the recovered corrupted footage from that tape that Jay posts as Entry #36 Alex says "I did what I had to... he'd just stabbed me" -- and that injury being what totheark was trying to call attention to, to me, reads a lot more clear and consistent than anything else does
#N posts stuff#marble hornets#it's so hard to figure out lol bc Tim's leg is The Thing so it feels like they should be linked but like it just doesn't seem to flow#and the timeline of s2 is so mangled by the mix mash and retreading ground of all the tapes#ie; Present!Jay uploading Past!Jay's (and Past!Alex's) tapes and commenting on them while Present!TTA responds to both#that it's hard to figure out if TTA is still working together in that Present!Time or if it's Only in the old tapes and they fell out like#Immediately after Jay got the code for the safe from them - which is Possible? We do know that Tim and Brian separated#like Right after they'd managed to separate Jay and Jess but IDK if that separation would account for the kind of anger implied in#the sentiment 'enjoying watching you suffer' you know? And Jay doesn't get Tim's medical records until s3 - which we KNOW#is the Final Death Knell in TTA's relationship and i don't think Brian would have sat on those for so long so i feel like he hadn't#found them by this point in s2 - that must have come later. so That makes this line feel so out of place in their relationship#BUT if Brian is paying more attention to Alex than Tim at this point then it makes A Lot more sense if it's directed at him#and since the creators Specifically included that corrupted footage that makes Sure to get 'he stabbed me' clear in audio AND#in Jay's subtitles - I wonder if that's an attempt to draw attention to that injury and maybe clarify the TTA upload a little bit?#OR you know maybe I'm reading into it all too much but hey. with this series that's actually a pretty solid living so#mh lb#i'm rewatching bc i'm about to start giving the Bleed More fic another attempt at getting finished and finalized so. keep an eye out :3c
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slocumjoe · 1 year
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You ever think about Shaun and Danse interacting and cry a lil bit
#theodoor (renamed synth shaun) struggles w/ being a copy of a contentious evil man#and being used as bait#and being taken in by that mans father as a pity child. not what was wanted but there anyway#and feels urges to act a certain way even after gus gets his ideal programming outta there#and resents basically everything and everyone involved in his existence#because he isnt just a lure. hes a doll. hes a toy made by a cruel and heartless man. made to be exactly like him#and every time he feels any negative emotion he feels like Shaun won and got his clone#every time he feels positive emotion he feels like a puppet carrying out Shauns wishes to be the ideal child#and DANSE eventually comes to terms with his nature/himself in general and gets better. and as he slowly starts entering a relationship#with gus he starts noticing /hey this kid is going through something similar/#/i suffered this but at least i was free to do as i wanted. teddy is a child & hes meant to be a specific child that he cannot possibly be/#and danse notices that teddy is squeamish around science because he wants to distance himself from shaun#so he takes him under his wing. /you wanna see how a laser works?/ and gets him to see that science is not a force of evil#but a tool to be used. Shaun used it for his ego but Danse uses it to protect the others. Isa uses it to heal the wasteland.#Curie uses science to save people and heal their pain. he shows him /you know better. so you wont become him. you literally couldn’t./#like. teddy has a lot of issues being put on the spot to be the missing boy come home. but not being that boy#and danse gets it. he had issues after building his existence on being a paladin and model soldier only to be the Enemy#he gets trying so hard and wanting so bad to be one thing or fully the other. not be in that awful middle ground where its all confusing#and danse figures out over time that the Institute made m797 but he - his choices and his experience - made Danse#and its the same for teddy. and the kid gets along better having someone who can closest understand what he feels#ss; alter#bc teddy is gus' kid so he goes in the tag
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seventh-district · 6 months
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i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#cw health#cw heart#i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it#i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help#sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me#he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me#sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree#have i Ever actually relaxed#hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch#anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things#a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal#so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now#and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser#i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever#if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked#all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is#every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse#anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches#‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now#i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC#which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it#i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead#anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t.#it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about#i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father
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hua-fei-hua · 8 months
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nice writer feeling is being able to read your own stuff from four-ish years ago and finding it's still pretty good. maybe not quite like how you'd write it today but definitely not painful to read
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byakuyasdarling · 11 months
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can’t deal with the fact people glorify anxiety,,, like yes the disorder that literally keeps me from normal functioning and is detrimental to my physical and mental health is so cutesy and so easy to live with and I can totally sleep at night and I don’t get massively painful ulcer flare-ups when I’m stressed (it is literally debilitating) panic attacks are quirky! /s
I don’t have repetitive thought cycles that make me constantly worry and exhaust me throughout the day from a whole other disorder that’s exasperated by my anxiety! It’s so pleasant in both of these ways! I love when people think me flapping my hands is so cutesy when it’s totally not a sign of distress for the most part /SARCASM
I have no clue why anyone would want to fake something I am so desperate to get rid of. Like this is not fun — especially when so many people close to me in my life atm have this strong image of me that I hate living up to.
Though I will say that most likely, even people who fake disorders do have something bad going on and is symptomatic of broader issues (there’s literally a term for this, I forgot) — so I’m not going to go haywire at confused and hurting children. Though their actions are ignorant and can romanticise what living with these things is actually like and diminish other people’s struggles — I’m fairly sure they’re too young and confused to properly process that and I doubt it’s malicious the majority of the time. You’re just going to further push them into boxes by harassing them.
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dog-girl-zezora · 2 years
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...
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hollenka99 · 4 months
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YouTube yesterday: Hey btw The Longest Johns just released a song about Horatio Nelson's death.
Me: Cool, excuse me as I stare off into space and think about L'Manburgian soldiers' reaction to hearing about Kiril's dying to withering whenever I play the song.
#regicide au#like yes I know realistically Kiril would be a bit of a controversial figure in L'Manburg#his father (and ancestry in general tbh) represents centuries of colonialism and oppression#like ffs you can't just walk into a place like Pogtopia going 'hi I promise I'm a good Krafta'#when you've had to spend the past few years drastically unlearning all the colonialist propaganda you were fed as a child#anyway Artur is representative of continuing the oppression of an entire people no matter how hard you have to grind your boot on them#while Kiril represents the effort to at least make a start on fixing the mistakes of the past#with liberation in the hopes that will open the door for reparations etc#not that he ever expects to see that because he'll be dead from fratricide#(not to mention shit like that will take generations for the wounds to begin healing so no veteran of this war will live to see it either)#he still wants to do *something* as a way to work towards that better future though#a war of independence sure as fuck wasn't what he imagined but 'the universal language is violence' yada yada#it certainly seems to be Artur's universal language#and Kiril gains an even better image of himself as a general who is willing to fight and potentially die with his soldiers#those under his command absolutely have deep respect for him thanks to how he conducts himself#...and then the withered arrows start flying#people are going to end up talking about how he never let on he was hit himself#he simply visited the affected soldiers in the infirmary some of whom were doomed to die in one of the worst ways possible#then he was gone. just grabbed by his brother so he could be killed in Rayusel (or away from the public eye in general)#rumours are going to fly about all sorts of things pertaining to Kiril's final hours but one thing is for sure#there is going to be grief amongst the soldiers who loved him#'let him die in peace' ...yeah they really are going to hope that somehow he didn't suffer as much as a typical withering victim#god I am just shaking this song vigourously by its shoulders I swear
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tender-rosiey · 25 days
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from me to you — gojo satoru x f!reader
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a/n: this takes place in chapter 268, soo sort of spoilers ahead? also long live gojo satoru; gojo leaves you a letter 🙏
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“y/n-sensei, there is a letter for you as well!”
that catches your attention, and you look up at the first years. you tilt your head slightly, and yuuji hands you an envelope.
you gently take it from him, and the first thing you notice is “wifey” written on it then the doodle of satoru with his blindfold on. you feel your throat tighten, and your hands shake slightly.
you let out a small breath then shakily open the letter.
hey, honey!!
it first reads.
I feel like there is still much I didn’t tell you in our last meeting, so here I, your beautiful and handsome husband, am writing them down.
you swallow lightly, and a small smile appears on your face as you imagine satoru saying that, then you continue to the next line.
first, I changed all your computer passwords to variations of “satoruisthebest” at one point. your confusion was so cute!!
you quirk an eyebrow at the admission, but when you rack your brain, you remember that one day when you couldn’t log into your computer.
what you vividly remember was satoru being sat beside you the whole time, and now that you think about it. he was smiling so widely the entire time, letting out small chuckles every now and then. oh, that sneaky man.
“satoru, I am telling you it’s broken!”
“sweetheart, we spent over 2000$ on that. if it broke, then we could easily sue the company,” he chuckled, arm wrapping around your shoulder and pulling you closer.
“2 year guaranteed top performance my ass!”
you smile at the memory. it was pretty satoru of him to do that. your eyes then move to continue reading.
second, there are times when I would tell megumi that you would be coming with me, then he would turn and leave me when he found out I was tricking him.
your eyes glance up at said boy who is sat across of you. he made it out alive, despite everything. he suffered so much, but he made it.
it makes you relieved, and you can imagine satoru being bloody proud of him and saying something along the lines of ‘you handed sukuna’s ass to him, very cool!’
no matter how much megumi had frowned and grimaced at satoru’s presence or antics. it rooted itself as something—safe and familiar.
you can’t count on your hands the times when you and satoru would visit the siblings, and nobody really said it, but these meetings did all of you a favor, a chance to kind of wind down. maybe act like death might actually not be looming tomorrow.
it feels like just yesterday when megumi would cling to you when he got really sad or nervous, after so much time spent getting comfortable with each other.
he grew up well, you think, eyes gliding to next.
third, I hid your uniform every two to three weeks, so you have to stay with me.
at that, your eyes widen a bit. satoru’s schedule was pretty packed, but he somehow managed to squeeze time for quality time between you two.
it tugged on your heartstrings, and you made sure he knew how much you appreciated it, not a single space on his face left without a kiss. however, finding out that he went out of his way to make you rest and stay.
satoru’s care really showed in his actions, and you feel like this is the biggest proof of it.
“satoru, have you seen my uniform?”
“nope! maybe, it is a sign to stay home today? you’ve been working so hard, wifey!”
you cupped his face, pulled him down to your height, and kisses his cheek, “you’ve been working harder, ‘toru. let me take off some of the load at least.”
“we could both stay!”
“you’re kidding, right?”
“I already told yaga; I miss you!”
you try to stop the reminiscing further and try to compose yourself before reading the rest.
fourth, I’m the one who kept adjusting the thermostat. I just wanted an excuse to cuddle.
a fond yet melancholy smile appears on your face. you kinda figured that one out. satoru’s favorite pastime was cuddling, so it’s no surprise that he would go out of his way to create the need for it even further.
add to that, once you went to get some green tea and saw him from the corner of your eye teleport to the thermostat, click something, then teleport back to bed.
you figured that the room being chilly that night was not an exception in the middle of july.
“babeeee, it’s so cold! let’s cuddle!”
“maybe the problem is with the thermostat?”
“I checked! I think cuddling is the best solution.”
you giggle as you recall the moment, one of many similar. your heart feels a bit lighter as you go through the letter. something satoru managed to always do even in person.
he would plaster sticky notes, get you trinkets, and even pull pranks on other just to see you smile. feeling more encouraged, you keep on reading the letter.
then you feel your chest constrict so tightly that you might just throw up.
fifth, I am really gonna fucking miss you.
you read the line over again, and you purse your lip in hopes of silencing any noise that may come out as you feel the lump in your throat return, even worse than before. your breathing starts getting more difficult.
your grip on the letter tightens, and you find yourself thinking back to the good times. memories of late nights spent in each other’s arms, thinking about everything and nothing at once.
hushed whispers of confessions and quiet giggles as you reminisced on your highschool days. tight hugs when recalling the sad moments and the departure of a certain someone.
“you know, y/n, I think we might just be made for each other,” he said one night. you hummed and looked him in the eyes.
“three am thoughts?”
“three am admissions,” he grins slightly, “I am made for you, and you’re made for me.”
you remember him pulling you closer and kissing your forehead, while you teased, “and what would you need little old me for, so much that I got made?”
he feigns thinking then closes his eyes, burying his face in your shoulder, “grounding me.”
I love you. I really do, but you should know that already, right?
your eyes drift down to the corner of the paper, and that is when you feel your tears start free-falling. there is drawn a chibi satoru besides a chibi you and between them is a heart.
the chibi satoru is giving yours a big smooch, while she laughs. you never thought that the day your jealousy burns would be because of drawings, and drawings of you and your own husband, nonetheless.
“but wow, gojo-sensei is shit at writing letters,” you hear nobara remark.
megumi responds with a small chuckle, “I am fine with mine.”
“what about you, y/n-sensei?—”
the trio becomes silent as you let out a sob. a watery smile makes its way up your face as you kiss the letter gently and murmur, “so shitty.”
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do not copy or plagiarize or I will tell @callmemirro
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savanir · 3 months
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DP x DC prompt [11]
Vlad is planning something big, something powerful and he’s using his wealth and connections to make it happen. Danny realizes that his parents' tech and his friend's aid isn’t going to cut it, and brute forcing the matter as Phantom is just going to ruin his reputation permanently.
What he needs is another different fruitloop, and thankfully for him the world is pretty damn full of them.
but he needs a very specific fruitloop, the one with a big company, advanced high end tech, so much money they don’t really know what to do with it and preferably they gotta be an absent figure, because Danny is on a mission, he’s not looking to get a new parent (he has his own)
and after some searching he finds his guy
Oliver Queen
Now he just needs to get in on that, and he decides to do that by using what little he managed to remember from Vlad’s “you will be the heir of Dalv,co” rants and Sam’s ideas on environmentalism. cause Queen apparently cares a lot about giving back to the little guy.
Which is great! very important, even if his business kinda suffers from how he goes about it (but Danny can help with that! somehow! he’ll figure it out, can’t be that hard) 
We can’t all be Brucie Wayne, but we certainly can try.  
So anyway, shouldn’t be too hard, he’s got some history in the field of environment stuff what with the whole purple back gorilla thing.
and Ollie takes one good look at this smart enthusiastic black haired blue eyed teen and is like, “oh neat! my very own Tim Drake Wayne” and he just goes with it.
Danny’s hidden power of drawing in rich people is truly something to behold…
Oliver is more than happy to just let Danny do whatever he wants as long as it doesn’t break the law or look bad on him, and no drugs, he was very clear on that.
and Danny is like great, I can now work on undermining Vlad and ruin his plans!
but then… Dinah…
“Oliver Jonas Queen!”
oh shit, full named…
“You are not going to do a repeat of Roy!”
Dinah is very effective, and the whole thing starts small enough.
Oliver personally shows him around in the company, makes sure to introduce him to the important folks.
that evolves into occasionally checking up on him, making sure he takes the appropriate amount of breaks.
then he takes him to a baseball match, he had multiple tickets… would have been a waste to refuse.
Then Dinah insists he tags along for dinner in a restaurant (there were some others, it was actually not awkward at all somehow, quite nice really), this grows into dinner at the penthouse.
It's when Oliver expresses the desire to teach Danny archery, telling him there are a lot of things in the sport that are also applicable to business stuff that Danny comes to a sudden and violent realization.
He's being parented!
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rememberwren · 1 month
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Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
Easy breezy beautiful premature ejaculation. Hypersexual!Simon/fem!reader. Discussion of edging. Cumming untouched.
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“If we do this,” he says around his cigarette, “then we do it my way.”
“I’ve never done this before,” you admit cautiously, turning your hands palm up as if to show you have no weapons, no tricks up your sleeve. I’m innocuous, your posture says. His own says: I’m still deciding, with his tense shoulders and narrowed eyes. “This weird, femdom thing. So I appreciate your guidance. Because I know fuck all—“
“You’re no femdom—Jesus, fuck, I can’t talk about it anymore,” he grits out. He takes a step back and away, creating distance, exhaling a plume of smoke that makes him look strangely ethereal in the evening light. Against your will, your eyes flicker down to just below his belt buckle and oh god. He’s hard. 
“Just from talking about it?”
The look he gives you could melt ice. It could sublimate it. You cringe, knowing you were in the wrong, wishing you could reach out and snatch the words right out of the air. He’s trusting you with this. The last thing he needs is to feel like a joke. 
“I’m sorry,” you say. “I shouldn’t have—you’re not a, a science experiment or something—“
“Wouldn’t mind that so much. Might figure out what the fuck’s wrong with me. Less interested in being treated like I’m part of a circus troupe,” he grumbles. He drops the cigarette and grinds it to ash beneath his boot. He asks: “Inside?” 
-
Gingerly, so gingerly, he undoes the button of his jeans and unzips them. He holds his breath as he works the denim down his thick thighs. God, is he built: muscles made for more than just show. His history is inscribed on his body in its strength and in its scars, scars of white and pale pinks that darken to purple in the lamplight. He’s wearing boxer briefs, straining at the front from his erection, and they are soaked. You’re surprised that he hasn’t soaked straight through to his jeans. 
“Don’t look,” he grits out through his teeth. You look away, unsure where to cast your eyes to, and settle for shutting them. He explains: “Can’t take the way you’re looking at me.”
“Sorry,” you mutter, feeling your face flush hot. 
“Just—let me—” you hear the sound of fabric rustling. He kicks off his jeans—you can tell by the soft sound of them landing against the floor off the side of the bed. “Fuck. Fuck, fuck.” 
“What’s wrong?” you ask, eyes squeezed shut, hands clenching in your lap. 
“Nothing just—fuck. No way I’m going to last.” He sounds bitterly disappointed. 
“That’s the point of this, right? To get better at lasting?” 
He sighs, a long-suffering sound, like this discussion is well worn and frustrating to him. Something in you shrivels, and it takes your body with it as best as it can, sending your shoulders hunching inwards, your head ducking down. You pick at one of your nails by feel alone, eyes still closed, and nearly jump when his fingers brush your knee. 
“Sorry,” he mutters. “You’re right. That’s what this is for. Might as well get used to embarrassing myself.” 
“That’s the spirit." 
He snorts. More fabric rustles, and at length he says: “Alright. You can look. Just…you can look.” 
You open your eyes hesitantly. His cock is right there—and Jesus. It makes sense, proportionally, but it is frightening in a very real sense. You’re already doing the math, measuring in your head and comparing to your past precedents. Ghost would have them all beat, quite comfortably, in length and girth. He’s cut, which surprises you, but isn’t a turnoff. He keeps himself landscaped nicely, which you appreciate, even if it isn’t necessary. 
He is flushed a ruddy pink, the head darker than the rest. As you stare, it jerks, a bead of precum welling at the tip. Suddenly one of his large, scarred hands reaches down and grips the base of his cock in a painful hold, hissing in a breath through his teeth. 
“Can’t look at me like that,” he admonishes again. 
“Like what?” you ask, a little defensive. You’re just looking! You have to look, right? 
“Like you want it,” he mutters. 
God, does he really have no idea? No inkling of how badly you want to sit on that monster in his hands? No notion of how wet you’ve been since your conversation in the parking lot? Sure you aren't like him, not about to spring off if the breeze was just right, but you are anything but unaffected. Still, it seems like the wrong moment to educate him on your attraction to him and his cock, so you do your best to morph your expression into one of unimpressed ambivalence and hoped it helps. 
“I’m ready when you are,” you say, interrupting his deep breathing exercises. He nods but doesn’t give you the go-ahead, not for another minute or two, until his chest stops heaving and he can remove his hand from the vice grip he has around his balls. His cock has a near purple tinge, and you wonder if maybe he should have rubbed one out in the bathroom beforehand just to take the edge off. Oh well, it’s a thought for next time. 
“Go ahead,” he says, like he’s giving you permission to pull the trigger on him during a game of Russian Roulette. 
You reach out—his cock twitches, a nice warm welcome if you’ve ever seen one, but you hesitate. Your hand is dry. Should you ask for lube? How does he usually jerk off? Dry? You have a feeling he doesn’t mind the discomfort; he seems like he has a self-destructive streak a mile wide. His eyes are fixed at a point on the ceiling, his chest unmoving as he holds his breath. You decide that some sort of lubrication is better than none—so you lick a broad stripe up your palm. 
“Fuck,” he whispers, a little punched-out sound. Sometime between opening your mouth and licking your palm, his eyes had transferred from the ceiling to your face, to the flash of your tongue and your wet palm. His eyes widen, irises swallowed up by the pupils, and he says again, more urgently: “Oh fuck.” 
He reaches down to grip the base of his cock again, but it is too late: he cums. His abs are thrown into sharp relief as he tenses with each pulse, cock jerking against his brutal grip. He doesn’t even jerk himself off—just ruins it as you stare with your mouth open and your hand wet, watching him splatter seed against the coarse line of hair that runs from his belly button to his cock all because he watched you lick your hand. 
“Fuuuuuuck,” he groans, throwing one arm across his eyes, breathing heavily. His mouth is flushed a pretty red, like he has been kissing. His hand clenches into a fist as he says: “I’m sorry. I tried not to.” 
“It’s okay,” you say, your nearly brain blue-screening from how turned on you are. You lower your hand and wipe it dry on your leggings. “That’s what this practice is for—so you don’t do it when it really counts. We can try again tomorrow or something.” 
He snorts. “Tomorrow? Give me five fucking minutes.” 
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anemoiashifts · 2 months
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what to do if you’ve been trying to shift since 2020.
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if you haven’t shifted yet & you’ve been here since 2020 or for a long period of time, waking up in your bed the following morning after a method & your doubting that shifting isn’t real then that’s simply not true. you are not doubting in shifting, you are doubting in yourself. if you doubted in the belief of shifting or subliminals or working towards a goal, you would have walked away from it a long time ago. you wouldn’t still be here if it was really all for nothing. you still have hope. there is something keeping you here.
you are looking for exterior validation that you shifted & that’s normal. it’s human to look around for confirmation for our manifestations. it’s hard to believe in something we cannot see. what you have to do is recognize that you are the creator of everything you have ever achieved, done & acquired in your life. because you are waiting until you are in your desired reality to recognize your progress, you are giving your “failures” attention.
when we give our failures attention & dwell on what we lack & what we want, we start to see it more. i mentioned this a while back in one of my very first posts but i really wanted a volkswagon beetle & i started seeing them everywhere. this is because your subconscious is showing you what you desire. the cars (your desired reality & manifestations) were always there, the issue is you don’t believe they are yours yet. shifting is a success other people have achieved. not you.
so what’s the issue ? how do we fix this ?
let go of wanting to shift. why ? because you have it. people who have things already don’t sit around & say “i want a million dollars in my bank account” because they already have a million dollars in their bank account.
instead of focusing on what you don’t have, see what you do have. you were born into a life where shifting was brought to your attention. a lot of people don’t even know what shifting is & half of the people that do know what it scoff at it & don’t ever try. be grateful that you are not letting yourself become one of those people. the fact you are trying & attempting this is a testament to you bettering your life & by extension bettering yourself. if you look at your shifting journey, what is working for you ? what methods do you like ? recognize that the universe may be trying to help you out by delaying you being in your desired reality.
people seem to not like to acknowledge the concept of divine timing & how important it can be. there is a time & place for everything we do. between when you first discovered shifting to now, you would have missed out on so many lessons & experiences that are needed for growth. majority of us look at our first script & cringe. if your someone who scripts, reflect on how many’s scripts you had. did you look at how much your desires & maturity changed through those ? the universe — god, your spirit guides, whatever higher power you believe in — may be protecting you. there could be something in your script that you could not handle, there could be a toxic relationship that you may have suffered from if you had shifted successfully & it would’ve done more harm then good.
shifting will always be there; no matter your age, what you go through. you have all of eternity to figure it out. there is no time limit. nothing is worth rushing into. if you want something don’t well, take the time to do it correctly. while there is no “correct way” to shift take a look at yourself. are you nurturing yourself ? are you depressed ? are you in a stable headspace ? the only thing you have is this moment. the moment you are reading this on tumblr or tiktok, this is the only point you have control over. are you going to scroll away ? have you already gave up on reading this long of a post ? are you thinking about the past & your past shifting attempts or mistakes ? why are you thinking about them if they have nothing to do with your future ? if you know you will shift or manifest a job or money or whatever it may be — why are you giving something attention that goes against that ?
what’s the conclusion ?
look at what you have & how you’re still here. start small, recognize that this post came to you for a reason. recognize that this is something you manifested based on content you’ve put energy towards. this post is proof that you are capable of manifesting shifting, even if it isn’t your desired reality directly.
also, this reality is a desired reality. maybe not in the same way as another desired reality you may have but you have manifested plenty in this reality & that’s what shifting is. if you think you haven’t, guess again, because I’m sure there’s one thing you can find that you truly believed in & it became physical right before your eyes.
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kittyhazelnut · 2 years
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fic talk in the tags don't mind me
#totally gonna rant about the distanty future of loki misses the asgardian prison system rn just as a heads up#this has been your spoiler alert lol#so I'm only on the aftermath of Age of Ultron rn so it's a bit of a ways away#but the last chapter or two i wrote has me thinking about civil war#and how it would almost make more sense for wanda to join tony instead of steve#and I've always thought in the movie it would make more sense for her to do that because she *should* be okay with the accords#regulating her and her powers so she doesn't hurt anybody else. it just kinda makes sense to me#except i was thinking the bomb in civil war might not hurt anybody which would put her safely on team tony#except rn she's kinda closer to tony than steve because Drama and shit so it *would* kinda make sense for her to join team iron man#but then the bomb does kinda have to blow up the building (or maybe a near miss and nobody dies but the building suffers a bit of damage?)#except the whole reaosn I haven't changed too much plot-wise is that i want peter in the fic and obviously its civil war where that happens#and if tony has wanda on his team then he really doesn't need to seek out a teenager for help#and maybe Steve would? especially because they're both New Yorkers so bonding and shit? but would he let a kid on the battlefield with him?#i mean he used Wanda's age as a defense in civil war and she's older than Peter so....#although maybe Nat could be team cap and she could bring him in ig?#and then maybe tony realizes hes just a kid or something and takes him under his wing? so homecoming still works?#man idk i don't wanna change too much but I also don't want to keep everything the same like that's boring y'know#I'm so conflicted 😭#and i have time to figure it out like im just starting The First Big Thing in the aftermath of AoU so it's not like ill be at civil war#any time soon. but ill be there eventually and then I'll need to have sn answer to all these questions and ughhhh fanfics are hard man 😭😭#lmtaps
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northopalshore · 1 month
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🌬️⚔️Chiron and your traumas
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warning! mentions s*x, ab*se , trauma& violence
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Chiron in the houses
🌬️Chiron in the 1st house
You might have grown up very insecure about how you look and how you put yourself out there. People could be very judgemental of your looks. There is this constant need to feel prettier. This could lead to an unhealthy obsession with fitting into certain beauty standards. If uranus is also in the 1st house, or in hard aspects with chiron then you could have been born in a place where the beauty standard is opposite from you, for example the beauty standard in you country may be pale skin but you were born with tan or darker skin tone. If aspected with Taurus, Venus or Jupiter, might have an eating disorder.
ex: Selena Gomez has this placement. She often expresses her discomfort around how people just love to criticise her for her looks and her weight. If you've been online for the last 10 years, you'll notice how often the media brings attention to her weight gain.
🌬️Chiron in 2nd house
These individuals might have issues surrounding money or possessions. Have a need to be seen with luxurious things. Could live or work with money their whole lives. Money shaped their identity. Grew up in either extreme wealth or poverty. They might be born in a family where debt and corruption is involved. If not, this could mean they themselves may be irresponsible with money or constantly worried about their finances. They might be prone to gambling addictions or the opposite, extremely cautious of spending habits. These individuals are also prone to eating disorders and overconsumption.
ex: Donald Trump, Princess Diana, Robert Pattinson, Dolly Parton, Jeffery Epstein & Audrey Hepburn have this placement.
🌬️Chiron in 3rd house
Might not have had a good relationship with their siblings growing up. They could have been ostracized by their siblings. They could also have grown up without siblings either as an only child or they moved away from them. Could result in feeling lonely in this area of life. They could be hated for things that they say. Hated for singing, talking or writing differently. They could also have trauma surrounding their voice or communication. They might find it very difficult to express themselves verbally or feeling like other people do not listen to them at all. Might inherit a hereditary illness. (However I find that people with these placement tend to have healing voices or writing as well depending on their birth chart)
ex: Björk, Sigmund Freud, Fyodor Dostoevsky George W. bush, Azealia Banks & Morgan Freeman have this placement
🌬️Chiron in the 4th house
These natives may have been born in a broken home. Their parents might have been divorced or they suffer from addiction resulting in a sort of fallout. They may think they are the ones that caused their home life to be so distressed. Could also mean they have certain trauma or fears with people breaking into their homes. Not feeling safe at home. Issues with the mother. Lack of a maternal figure in their lives.
ex: Eminem and Nicki Minaj have this placement. If you are familiar with them you'll know both grew up in abusive households. Rob Kardashian, Miley Cyrus & Winona Ryder also have this placement.
🌬️Chiron in the 5th house
Individuals with this placement most likely have issues surrounding their creativity, love life or children. They might find it difficult to enjoy life like other people around them. Their childhood might have felt bleak. Feeling left out from all the fun the world has to offer. Sexual trauma/abuse. Drugged. Overindulgence in hedonism. Used for entertainment . Prostitution. They might also be the tortured artists archetype in which they express their darkness, mortality or trauma through art. Their love life might also suffer. In a woman's chart, this might mean she has issues with pregnancy or conceiving. Might have gone through many miscarriages in her life.
ex: Anne Hathaway, Megan Thee Stallion, Paris Hilton, John Lennon, Meghan Fox & Kim Kardashian have this placement.
🌬️Chiron in the 6th house
They might have found it different to obtain a stable career or routine for themselves. Might be overworked to the point of exhaustion. These individuals could have had to take on multiple jobs to sustain themselves or for the benefit of other people. They might not have been appreciated for their hard work and expected to keep working. Being enslaved. Forced labour. Working without pay. Other people treating them as a commodity. Might have started working drom an early age. They might get into accidents at work often.
ex: JFK, Elvis Presley, Brigitte Bardot, Vincent Van Gogh, Mila Kunis, Jackie Kennedy, Frida Kahlo & Madonna have this placement
🌬️Chiron in 7th house
Relationships issues, fears surrounding relationships or contracts and commitments. Might have been turned down by multiple companies or partners. Might have been cheated on by a long-term relationship. Contracts being violated. Manipulated through contracts. They might find opening up difficult in romantic relationships. Lovers might have betrayed them at some point of their life. Might get divorced multiple times.
ex: Mia Khalifa has this placement. She's had 2 marriages that both resulted in divorce and one engagement that ended in separation as of August 2023.
🌬️Chiron in 8th house
These people might have been abused at some point. Suffered from sexual trauma/rape , or obsession. Overly sexualised by others. People might been very envious of these natives, to the point that they have received death threats. Other people might not respect their privacy especially in regards to their love/sex life. They could also have been used by romantic relationships to get something they want. Death could have surrounded this individual i.e family members, friends, pets.
ex: Taylor Swift has this placement. She's been slut shamed a lot throughout her career. People are overly obsessed with her love life.
🌬️Chiron 9th house
Natives with this placement could have trouble with long distance travels, studies, religion or beliefs. May be traumatized by certain cultures. Might have grown up with religious parents that forced their beliefs onto their children. Might have been indoctrinated by a cult or was raised in one. They might have been fored to dedicate a large portion of their life learning something they hated or weren't passionate about. Subjected to a lot of racism in their life. Being culturally different from peers. May receive hate from people all over the world/ other cultures.
ex: Marilyn Monroe, Adolf Hitler, Justin Bieber, Elon Musk, Billie Eilish, RuPaul & Joe Jonas have this placement.
🌬️Chiron in 10th house
Probably are not satisfied with their career path. Might have found it very difficult to obtain a steady career. Their career might be hated by other people. People might have used these natives as a means to gain control or power. They might receive a lot of criticism in their career. Strangers feel like they have authority over their lives.
ex: Drake. BBL drizzy, need I say more? Jungkook, Angelina Jolie, Kanye West, Kylie Jenner & Ben Affleck have this placement
🌬️Chiron in 11th house
They might have been ostracized by many friends group or communities. They are usually judged by others in their social circle. The black sheep of the community. If active online, they could suffer from a lot of online bullying or criticism from the public. Online harassment, badmouthed and shamed. Might fall subject to racism as well.
ex: My friend and I both have this placement. Our 4th house is gemini w mercury in the 10th & 9th house respectively. We both moved away from our birth towns in an early age. She had to move because of her father, I moved and travelled a lot due to studies. She was ostracized by her dad's community (family). I was ostracized by teachers, other students and people from the places I travelled to.
🌬️Chiron in 12th house
These natives might have fears surrounding foreign lands. They could suffer from a lot of addictions or are prone to addictions. They also suffer from a lot of psychic attacks and nightmares. Could suffer from rumours being spread about them. They could feel isolated from the rest of the world. They might have been raised in an adoption centre. Orphaned. Could suffer from depression or anxiety. Might have witness many deaths of their loved ones. Could have separation anxiety or abandonment issues. Be careful of alcohol & drugs or any kind.
ex: Michael Jackson had this placement. He was addicted to numerous drugs and overdosed on propofol 'milk' . Amy Winehouse, The Weeknd, Demi Lovato & Lindsay Lohan also have this placement.
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Thanks for reading!
@northopalshore
***entertainment only, reader discretion is advised ****
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cthonic-bunny · 9 months
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1. Natal Chart Observations
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1. Libra Moon: decision paralysis that comes from feeling two contradicting ways about an issue. “I want my cake but I want to eat it too.” I feel like libra moons are the most sentimental of the air moon signs. Libra moons can constantly weigh out the pros and cons for every emotion you feel. “I want to do this but I don’t want to deal with how messy it’ll make things.” When libra moons are feeling a little lost, they can over-schedule themselves and their commitments to friends to avoid thinking about overly-vulnerable feelings. There is zero tolerance for imbalance in relationships. Poor behavior from a partner will be met with matched behavior to tip the scales back to a balanced one, even if the overall locational of the scale is descending into negativity. “You get what you give” mentality. Libra moons can be keen on the idea of karma. “Come to me with sweetness, or don’t come to me at all.” Daydreaming about romance is a relaxing way to pass time. Before maturity, libra moons might suffer from social anxieties when they find themselves in group settings where there isn’t a cohesive vibe. If someone around a libra moon doesn’t look like they are having a good time, it subconsciously makes it difficult for a libra moon to relax. The libra moon will then play the role of a diplomat or host/hostess to ensure the vibes equalize to restore their peace.
2. Mars in the 10th house: these natives are always making money. They are known for their side hustles too. They are always looking for new ways to make money and I feel like they are good at getting clientele. They will get their hands dirty for their job. For a man, this can point to a “blue collar ‘manly’ job.” I noticed 10H mars can be pretty generous with their money and services, but feel extremely terrible about getting help from others. If these natives aren’t confident where they are in their career or skill set(s), I noticed that they are likely to undersell themselves or undercharge for their services/time. It can also point to people in the workplace as perceiving the 10H mars person to be brash and outspoken. The authority figures in their career can feel a sense of competition with the 10H mars person, or wants to humble them in some way. I feel like it’s really easy for them to get good jobs or climb up the ladder when they do things the right way. They get impatient when they aren’t growing in their careers as fast as they want to. “Why am I not a millionaire yet.” They work hard for what they want and are very ambitious once they find their niche. I feel like these are often people who can find jobs that don’t necessarily need a degree. Their career mistakes feel explosive. They can be seen as “sharks” in their fields because they go in for the attack. They like to be the best and the most competent at what they do, and want their colleagues to see them as competition. “I’m the best and no one will tell me otherwise.” They can be known for being assertive and extremely determined in meeting their goals. They will work themselves to the core and utilize all their energy towards elevating themselves career and reputation wise.
3. Mars in the 1st House: These people might often be noticed for their bodies. They might be seen as someone you shouldn’t mess around with. They look athletic. Maybe they are known for fitness or for being athletic. These natives can be associated with the military, and probably look incredible in their uniforms. This is a man-eater or womanizer placement, for sure. “I get what I want when I want it.” They look like they have a rough exterior, even if they are sweethearts. They can be into martial arts. Commanding presence. They can make wonderful personal trainers. Regardless of gender, they can come off as being comfortable with their masculine energy. Reds look great on them. They might have thick eyebrows and a nice jawline. They look attractive when they are angry. They know how to make someone feel sexy. They have people chasing them or falling for them fast.
4. Pisces and 12th house placements: these people have no problem ghosting you. Pisces placements and 12H placements are always made out to be innocent and naive, but they are attracted to people and situations that have something a little “bad” about them. Savior complex. They can go through feelings where they feel detached from social settings and those they love, where they cannot fully escape the role of observer. They will always be able to fully escape into their internal landscape and get consumed by it— but it seems as though no matter how hard they try, they can’t have that same presence in the material world. This can lead to frustrating feelings of disconnection from the world and people around them. They can be smiling and staring off, but you will never fully know what they are thinking. They can make people really curious about them, because their thoughts always catch you off guard. Having an existential crisis on the daily. Casual things might have a bigger internal meaning to them that others might not always understand. We can find plenty of people attractive, but if the spark isn’t felt in the soul and doesn’t pique a deep curiosity, we will get bored and swim away. Liking people who are a bit “mean and dark” but wanting them to be sweet and soft with you. Using music to paint your daydreams, or to escape. Finding music that relates almost entirely to whatever they have on their mind feels like striking gold. They can like someone just for having the same interests as them. Feeling like a ghost in a flesh suit. Enigmatic. Can embody different vibes and personas depending on who they are around. They are sensitive and can adapt to the situations at hand. Too much self awareness can lock them in their heads. “I only jump into waters with the depth of an abyss.” Laying down for hours just to daydream and process your thoughts. Long baths feel like therapy. Moderation isn’t in our vocabulary. We love what we like, and we want to get lost in what we love. Not being able to properly process your day or interactions until you’re alone and can replay them in isolation.
5. Taurus Placements: I noticed Taurus moon women get spoiled financially by their partners. The type for their partners to say “don’t worry, I’ll work and you can be at home,” or that being their partners goal at a point. I noticed Taurus placements can enjoy the occasional shoplifting. They are not going to compromise their comfort, and if you come after that it will be met with intense stubbornness. They can seem nonchalant about a lot of things, but can be extremely unwavering in their opinions on certain things. In some cases, they can have strange eating habits or relationship to food. Thankfully, the Tauruses I’ve been around don’t project that on those around them. It’s more internal from what I’ve noticed, and they can enjoy feeding those they love and care for. They can have great taste in food. They love sensual vices and sex. They look great with pearls. They master an aesthetic and can stick to it. They are fiercely protective of those they love. They can be lazy at their worst and will not want to do anything that requires too much effort. They can be impressively good at couponing. Making money from home is the ideal setup for them. They will spoil their loved ones too, and can be great gift givers. They don’t cheap out with presents for their loved ones. They get much enjoyment from decorating their spaces and hosting their loved ones. They can be prone to overthinking and some may obsessive behaviors or crippling anxiety as well. They can honestly make the best scammers, as terrible as that sounds. They can sell someone a dream and make it sound beautiful, but can be lying through their teeth. Their jealousies can sometimes come from a place of vanity. Watch out for envying others, and appreciate your own beauty. They can focus so much on the beauty around them they forget about their own. They can be the image of beauty and grace, or strive deeply for that. They have pretty and soothing voices. Taurus placements can easily be the funniest person you know when they are in a joyful mood. I also noticed Taurus placements are wonderful at finding vintage pieces and re-selling them!
-D
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ashwhowrites · 2 months
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Hi I sent in a request for prompts 43 and 25 for angst but forgot to and that I wanted it to be Eddie Munson x reader and I’m so sorry
"I’m not coming home, don’t look for me.”
“don’t make me choose” “why? Because you’d pick her?”
I hope this is what you wanted and you enjoy it. Thank you for requesting 🫶🏻
⚠️angst ( since I've been told my angst needs warnings ;)
Pick me, choose me, love me
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Eddie and Y/N had been best friends since first grade. They grew up together and did everything together. Everyone in their life thought by the time they graduated they would have figured out they were in love with each other.
But that didn't happen. They were still best friends, oblivious to how they felt for one another. They lived in a small apartment, both needing a life outside the trailer park.
Y/N went to school, and worked at a bar for extra cash. Eddie worked with Wayne and spent his extra cash at said bar. He always kept her company while she worked, and kept an eye on how men were around her. He wouldn't dare let anyone touch her.
She was a little more aware than he was. She couldn't deny that Eddie grew into a very handsome man, with a sexy charm. His smile and sly winks could win over any girl, including her. She never believed Eddie saw her as anything more than a friend, so she kept her feelings to herself. No way was she going to lose Eddie.
But that meant she had to suffer when he flirted with girls during her shift. Ignore the pain in her heart when they snuck off to the bathrooms. Or the night he brought a girl home, as she turned up the living room TV when his door slammed.
He seemed to be good in bed, from the countless girls she was forced to listen to. She tried to ignore how jealous she was, hating the way girls left in the morning satisfied and bruised.
She thought the random hookups were bad, but it was so much worse when he got a girlfriend. Her name was Kathy, and she was a bitch. Not that Eddie noticed, he worshipped the ground she walked on. Kathy and Y/N never got along, but girls knowing they both wanted the same thing from Eddie. Kathy was smug since she was the winner.
Tensions got high when Y/N told Eddie she saw Kathy going into the bathroom with a guy during her shift. A huge fight broke out and Eddie left for a few days. Kathy said Y/N made it all up and Eddie fell for it. Even though Y/N wanted to kick him out, she called a truce. Both agree to leave it in the past.
Trouble didn't stop there, it seemed Kathy brought in new drama weekly. But Y/N tried her best to keep her friendship with Eddie alive. Even when he made it so damn hard.
~~~
"Alright, everything is set up. Don't you forget to show up!" Steve said, pointing a stern finger at Eddie.
Eddie rolled his eyes, "you think I'm going to skip out on my best friend's birthday?"
"I'm just saying." Steve said as he held his arms up.
Y/N was turning twenty two and Steve planned a huge surprise party for her. All their friends would be there, her family, and most importantly Eddie.
Steve was a good friend of Y/N's. And he could easily tell she was in love with the metal head. He knew Kathy was bad news but Eddie was never one to listen.
~
Y/N jumped as she opened the door, Steve sent her an address to meet him at for a birthday dinner. She wore her best dress, a little short and a perfect amount of tightness. Her hair was styled and she wore her best make-up. She was in awe as she took in the huge crowd of people.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!" Steve screamed, along with everyone. But he was front and center, arms open as she raced into them. She crushed him in a bear hug and he spun her around.
He had to stop himself from sticking his nose in her neck. While Y/N pinned after Eddie, Steve pinned after her. But he knew her heart was with Eddie and he respected that. Still, his heart raced in the dress she wore.
"You look gorgeous," he whispered in her ear. She tried to push back tears, feeling so loved.
"Thank you for this!" She squealed. She took her time walking around the party, hugging everyone. She made sure to talk to every person for a good amount of time before moving on.
But as more time passed, she couldn't ignore that Eddie was nowhere to be found.
She hadn't seen him all day, and it broke her heart. She spent every birthday with him since she met him, and he was nowhere to be seen the whole day. But she tried to focus on the people who did show up.
After a few drinks, she let Eddie go, fully enjoying her party.
~
It was 11pm and Eddie still wasn't home. Her party ended about two hours ago, she played with her empty beer bottle at the counter as she waited for Eddie to walk in.
She perked up when she heard the door unlock and Eddie walked in.
"Hey," he said
"Hi," she said, her sadness was clear in her voice. Eddie sighed as he heard it.
"Look, sweetheart, I'm sorry." He whispered as he walked towards the table. His puppy eyes looked at her nervously.
"Just answer one question," she sighed. Eddie gulped when she looked up at him, her tear-stained face and red eyes told him she had been crying for a while. "Were you with Kathy?"
"Yes," Eddie said honestly
Y/N scoffed and stood up. She shook her head as she pushed in her stool.
"Y/N-"
"Eddie, don't," she snapped, Eddie stepped back. He never heard her sound so angry towards him. "Just stop"
Eddie watched as more tears fell down her face.
"Don't shut me out. Talk to me." Eddie pleaded. She sniffled as she looked up at his sorry face. His puppy eyes and the pout on his lips. But she couldn't push aside how she felt just because he looked like he got kicked.
"I don't want to talk to you," she said. She glared at him as she went to walk past him. But his arm shot out and stopped her.
"Well too bad because I want to talk to you," Eddie snapped. His temper was always short. "Look, I know I fucked up but let me apologize so we can move on."
Y/N yanked her arm away from him. Angirly standing face to face with him. Her fired eyes burned into his, challenging him.
"My best friend ditched me on my fucking birthday for some girl, and you think a shitty apology is going to fix that?"
"Girlfriend" Eddie corrected
Y/N let out a laugh, with no humor behind it. "I don't care what she is. You ditched me, you ignored me, and my heart shattered when I realized you weren't there and you wouldn't show up."
"I planned to be there, and I wanted to be. But Kathy needed-"
"I NEEDED YOU!" Y/N screamed. Eddie backed up as he clenched his jaw. "I bet she made up some fake lie to keep you occupied. She plays a game and you keep allowing yourself to be the pawn."
Eddie growled as she spoke. "I'm not a pawn and It's not a game. You don't know what she is going through."
"NOTHING!" she screamed again. "NOTHING IS WRONG WITH HER. SHE JUST WANTED TO KEEP YOU AWAY FROM ME"
This time Eddie laughed, scoffing as he angrily rubbed his chin.
"Get over yourself," he muttered
"Excuse me?" Y/N replied
"I said get over yourself. You're not a threat to her. She already told me about this little more than friend love you have for me. For your sake, I'll continue to act like I don't know. But you need to start respecting my fucking relationship." He demanded, his voice low and deep. He was pissed.
Y/N felt the color drain from her face. She gulped as she stared at him. He knew?
"How long?" Y/N whispered, her head down as she clenched her eyes in embarrassment. He knew and he never said a thing. He didn't like her back.
"What?" Eddie asked
"How long did you know?" she said through clenched teeth, looking up at him in the eye.
"Three months" Eddie whispered, feeling a twig of guilt as Y/N looked betrayed. He wasn't sure what heartbreak looked like but he swore he saw it on her face.
"What if I don't?" Y/N challenged, and she crossed her arms. Her eyes back to being heated as she stiffened out her jaw. "What if I don't want to respect your fucking relationship?"
This caused Eddie to back down
"You have to," He pleaded, "I want both of you in my life."
She ignored how the hurt puppy look came back. She was done allowing him to hurt her. He knew how she felt and never said a thing. He betrayed her and threw it at her in her weakest moment.
"I don't think that's possible" Y/N admitted
"No no," Eddie panicked, "It is. You've always been here, you have to be here." His voice cracked as he started drowning in his fear.
"You're right, I've always been here. But have you?" Her eyes watered as she felt more tears building. Eddie tried to close his eyes to avoid those eyes but it was all he could see. "I'm sorry, Eddie but I can't put myself through that. The decision is yours."
"Please don't make me have to choose." Eddie cried, his bottom lip trembling. He reached forward, desperately holding her face as he cried. "Please"
"Why? Because you'll pick her?" Y/N whimpered, she could see the answer in his eyes. He picked her a thousand times before, of course, he'd pick her now.
"I-I---I" Eddie stuttered. Almost like he didn't want to say it out loud. He didn't want to admit it.
Y/N bit her lip to try to hold back another sob. She grabbed his hands, pulled them off of her face, and dropped them at his sides. Eddie began to mumble no over and over, knowing what it meant. But she ignored his pleas and cries, just like he did hers.
She quietly moved passed him and walked out.
~
She made it to Steve's doorstep in seconds. Crashing into his arms as she sobbed. As Steve always did, he picked up her broken pieces.
After she calmed down, Steve moved her to his bedroom. He was downstairs, lying on the couch. The room was dark and silent, leaving Y/N stuck in her head.
"Darling?"
She jumped as Steve's voice came from behind her. She turned around and silently asked what he needed.
He didn't say anything as he passed the phone over.
Y/N sighed and took the phone. She already knew who it was. Without waiting for him to speak, she said "I’m not coming home, don’t wait for me.” And ended the call.
Steve reached forward and softly rubbed her shoulder for comfort. He pressed a small kiss to her forehead and pulled away. He started to walk out of the room, but right before he was gone she called out to him.
"Can I ask for a favor?" she asked, her voice dry and cracked from all the crying she did.
"Anything for you," Steve said, his voice so soft and silky. She could see so much emotion in his eyes. And she knew he meant his words.
"Can you hold me?"
Steve didn't waste a single breath as he walked over to the bed. He got in bed without another word, and Y/N turned around. Her back to his chest as he scooped her in his arms. He was cautious at first, not wanting to make her uncomfortable.
But she backed further into him, no space left as their skin touched. He tightened his arms and she sighed in pleasure.
"Thank you" she whispered, feeling the need to sleep taking over her body. The touch of Steve instantly calmed her.
He smiled and placed his chin on her head. He closed his eyes and prayed he'd remember this feeling for the rest of his life.
Y/N silently cried as she stared ahead.
Where was she supposed to go when Eddie was the only home she ever had?
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