#because it's just so utterly bad and toxic but both sides are so blind to how bad it is | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

captnjacksparrow · 4 years ago

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I just got into the fandom and I love it so much. However, there are parts where I just cringe. I’m going to be completely honest when I say I can’t see SS being a thing, a healthy one at that. A rumor said that Sasuke always had feelings for Sakura but he didn’t know how to show them because hatred blinded him. I just... find it utterly bullshit. Hell, even I do ship narusasu, I tried to be open minded and not fall too far off canon or the characters. I don’t understand how Sasuke had those feelings for her when all he did was shown the opposite and it felt genuine. He seem always annoyed and pushes her away. She kept forcing her feelings on him when he makes it clear that he’s not interested. I don’t hate the ship because it’s not my ship but because it’s extremely toxic. It feels one-sided (Sakura’s side) more than anything and it’s makes it hard to believe he had those feelings for her. I mean, on the second episode of season five, she confessed and poured out her heart and he blew it off. I cringed hard and was beyond disappointed because she’s making it about herself. That’s literally how I feel about their damn “relationship”. She made it about her and her only. When he’s hurting, it’s about her. It’s so annoying and it makes me see how self-centered Sakura. When she said she understood Sasuke, I wanted to scream (I nearly did but my family is sleeping and I don’t need a lecture.) She doesn’t know Jackshit about Sasuke besides he’s the only survivor of his decease clan, he’s a loner who cares only about himself, and he’s attractive. She’s just like every other fangirl expect she’s on his team. I’m trying my best not to hate her but Damn she’s really pushing it. Anything that annoyed me was that she made it seem like they were dating, again making it about herself and her feelings. She sent Naruto to get Sasuke for her benefits, so she can keep him. Again, disregarding Sasuke’s feelings and what he wanted. Naruto should’ve said “I’ll bring him back because HE wants too, to keep HIM safe, not for you.” I just can’t with this ship. I’m still wondering why the hell is it even a thing? Also find it beyond pitiful how she stayed with Sasuke in Boruto when he left for 12-13 years?! No note. No checking up. Nothing. Hell, Sarada doesn’t know how her own father looks like or the truth of her mother. Both of them were miserable and I find it absolutely ridiculous when SS shippers still say “they’re in love” or they’re OTP. If that’s what true love looks like (good thing it’s not), then I’d die single. I can’t be the only one who thinks this ship is just as bad as Harley Quinn x Joker.

First off, Thanks for this lovely ask @larrycherry04 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ I've always wanted to write about this and your ask is the perfect timing.

Disclaimer: SS shippers, Sakura fans!!! Don’t read this post!!

Me being an SNS shipper, I am just going to write this from a non-SNS perspective. Meaning, I am going to consider Naruto and Sasuke are just friends or rivals.

Bear with my lengthy answer.

Where do I even begin?

A rumor said that Sasuke always had feelings for Sakura but he didn’t know how to show them because hatred blinded him.

I think this rumor is from a light novel called Akatsuki Hiden or whatever shit. But for me, it looks like a pathetic attempt to convince those horny women shippers who would pay any money to read a romance which mirrors their own love life where they desire an ‘unreachable & handsome’ man who has this ‘cool & overbearing’ aura and carries this ‘bad boy badass’ vibe. They would do anything to get the attention from this boy. Until this point is where the reality ends.

What they really wants to happen and fantasize is somehow that handsome man, one day, will look only them and recognize their love and becomes a ‘soft’ guy who would bring the heavens for them and treats her like a princess. That fantasy led them to buy these novels and believe everything while completely disregarding the canon material. And those novels are aimed at these type of women.

You must have been wondering now, ‘I have seen these type of shit somewhere’!!!!!

That’s right.

50 Shades of Grey, Twilight, Beauty and the Beast, 100′s of K-Drama, C-Drama follow this shit romance trope and it’s regrettably fucking popular.

In other words, Don’t believe anything apart from the canonic resources.

Let’s dissect the canon materials about SS.

TEAM 7

This is how it all started

Does anyone see anything positive here????

Well, I am not.

Sakura wanted to impress Sasuke. Since, Naruto always picks fight with Sasuke, she badmouthed Naruto in the hopes that Sasuke will recognize some common ground with her which may develop into a friendship. But she shot her own foot.

[Regardless, I hated her here and she never redeemed herself, for her being completely insensitive & oblivious towards Sasuke’s life, the boy she loves]

Technically, Sasuke should have said ‘You’re Annoying’ towards Naruto for kissing him before the class and tying him up later. Here, Sakura is simply badmouthing another guy. He, somehow, find this very annoying than anything Naruto did earlier.

Sasuke always had feelings for Sakura but he didn’t know how to show them because hatred blinded him.

Am definitely not seeing any feelings here.

ZABUZA ARC

Alright, much later, somehow Sasuke started to integrate into team 7 and started to see them as a Family. No denial here. He started to care about everyone in his team at some point. Which was evident from the way he thought to himself, ‘That was Sakura’s voice... What is Kakashi doing?’

But does it means he hopelessly fell in love with her??? Nope.

It’s just a team camaraderie where he was worried about his teammate. If he has special feelings towards her, he should have said ‘I must go save Sakura’ or something along the line.

But, later in that episode, he went on to die for Naruto and even at his dying moments he didn’t think about Sakura or Team 7. It was all about someone else.

Even seconds before falling into Naruto’s arms, Sasuke was smiling with no regrets.

It was funny very later that after he got up from his temporary death, rather than consoling her like ‘Sakura, Don’t cry. Am alright’ or anything, he was asking ‘Where’s Naruto?’. LOL.

Even much later, when Sakura was asking him about a date, he bluntly said ‘I refuse’.

So, you’re telling me, throughout this arc, a boy blinded with hatred can able to pout, play childish games, train and die for a boy but when it comes to Sakura he can’t show his feelings???

Sorry, I don’t see romance here. Not in this arc.

Whether you agree or not, every parent has their favorite child, every child has their favorite parent. Even within your family, you always have a special person.

For Sasuke, Itachi was that person in his real family. Sakura was not that person in his Team 7 family. It was Naruto.

CHUNIN EXAMS ARC

This arc is where those SS shippers celebrates a lot and I know why. Remember earlier I talked about that shitty 50 Shades of Grey romantic trope??? The following scene vaguely falls under that pattern.

A guy loses his control because of a cursed seal and beats up the guys who hurt one of his teammates which happens to be a girl and calms down after seeing the girl.

That Infamous back hug.

I understand why SS people lose their mind with that scene. And I don’t blame them. I am going to throw their own proof at them.

So, this First databook, tells us that he finally sees both Naruto and Sakura as comrades and his heart softens from the path of revenge, a little bit.

Definitely, Sakura’s tears or love towards him stopped his rampage. But nothing says about whether Sasuke loves her back.

Much later, Sasuke also stops his cursed seal on his own after thinking about worried Sakura and a screaming Naruto (Who don’t know about this seal thingy at that time).

Well, whatever. That databook has another funny fact, that too in the same page.

LOL. Weird!!!! This accidental kiss unravels Sasuke’s heart ❤️❤️???? 🤣🤣🤣

So, influencing Sasuke’s heart can be attributed to both his teammates,according to this databook. Atleast upto this arc. There are no special feelings for Sakura alone, guys.

Proof?

If Sasuke really considers her in a romantic light (this is after that back hug), he doesn’t have to do this at all. Believe me, Love is all about subconsciously or purposefully enjoying or feeling little touches. Those touches can be through eyes, memories or physical. Sakura is delighted with his touch because she loves him but Sasuke just see her as a comrade and keeping his distance but this time very politely.

If Kishi really likes these couple, he doesn’t have to make this scene at all. It’s not just this one instance, he rejected her twice very bluntly before this saying ‘Don’t cling to me!!!’, ‘Sakura, you’re heavy!!!’.

If you say her back hug is a token of romance, then I can say ‘this’ kiss is also a token of romance. You can’t ignore one while keeping the other.

Anyways, at the end of the arc, Orochimaru is the best judge to identify who can change Sasuke’s heart. And that person is not Sakura.

DEPARTURE

she confessed and poured out her heart and he blew it off. I cringed hard and was beyond disappointed because she’s making it about herself. That’s literally how I feel about their damn “relationship”. She made it about her and her only. When he’s hurting, it’s about her. It’s so annoying and it makes me see how self-centered Sakura. When she said she understood Sasuke, I wanted to scream (I nearly did but my family is sleeping and I don’t need a lecture.) She doesn’t know Jackshit about Sasuke besides he’s the only survivor of his decease clan, he’s a loner who cares only about himself, and he’s attractive.

You know what, Larry??? You are 1000% right.

But, atleast, I thought she was genuine in the first part of the proposal, like saying ‘Revenge is not good’.....bla bla.. Because, Revenge will never satisfy a person completely and I agree. Then she took a 180 degree by saying ‘Take me with you, Sasuke-Kun. I’ll make you happy’. This is where I lost it entirely. ‘Alright Bitch, So you really don’t care about his revenge or health. As long as you have the chance to get inside his pants, you are okay with it. So you are okay with Sasuke going to Orochimaru as long as you are with him..... Fucking Shit!!!!’ This is not okay at all.

How did Sasuke respond?

“Why should I have to tell you anything”

“I’m telling you to keep your nose out of my business”

“Stop bothering me over everything I do”

Ummm..... where I come from, this screams ‘Irritation’ to me. Added to it, throughout the whole conversation he never saw her face. There was evidently no pain or anything from his face. On top the cake, here comes the cherry

“You really are...annoying”

This is where he saw her face throughout that painful confession before knocking her out. Umm... When you love someone or atleast feel for someone, you will look in their eyes and speak some farewell words before you leave. Or atleast show some pain??? There’s visibly nothing from Sasuke’s face.

Alright, I know what SS wankers will pull out here. That Databook 2 with some vague words. I am going to throw this at them.

Again, like I acknowledged before, he considers her as a comrade and part of a family. So, her existence also eased his loneliness. But you have to look at the word choice here. “The one that filled his lonely existence was Sakura”. It’s not the ‘Only’ person. Before he left he said ‘Thanks’. Meaning, Thanks for all these days. That’s all between us.

This piece was about the Team 7 picture. So he acknowledges, he was not alone during his genin days because of his companions and Kakashi (so it’s not just Sakura to ease his loneliness). Whatever he said to Sakura was real.

So can we safely confirm “You’re annoying” is real????

But what’s really interesting is the way Sasuke projects himself before Naruto. I am going to refrain myself from attaching all those rollercoaster of emotions flowed throughout the fight in VoTE 1. Otherwise, it will become an SNS post.

However, this particular scene caught my attention.

Ummm.... Initially Sasuke walks without looking at Naruto. Then he looks back and answers him.

Naruto was pretty much asking the same question as Sakura. “Why does it come to this?”

But Sasuke pauses and surprised for a moment and asks him pretty much “Why do you care about me?”

Why couldn’t Sasuke do the same with Sakura???? Kishi can pretty much make a panel or two rather than making some insulting panels.

Anyways, If they throw the databook, then I can also throw the same.

Alright, can someone explain the highlighted sentence for me???? Because I want to confirm whether I have a blurry vision.

Here, Sasuke is trying to punctuate Naruto as a different person from the rest of his companions. ‘his companions as well as that with Naruto’, I mean, Come on!!!! Naruto is also one of your companions along with Sakura. Why differentiate????

‘The village, companions, Naruto,....’ . Again....He is differentiating his home (village), companions (his friends), and Naruto. So who is Naruto for him? What is the need to make exception for Naruto? It’s very clear he is placing Naruto at a high pedestal for some unknown reasons.

Before this Databook dissection, remember I said something about saying Goodbye, ‘ When you love someone or at least feel for someone, you will look into that person’s eyes and speak some farewell words before you leave‘

Sasuke is doing exactly that here in this scene without saying anything.

Am sorry SS shippers, you can scream all you want about Sasuke knocked her out and left her on the bench. But there was no emotional distraught when he left her. Sasuke seemingly spent a longer time staring at Naruto than looking at Sakura when she confessed.

OROCHIMARU HIDEOUT

Well, there is nothing I can say about here for SS. He pretty much saw her and said, “Sakura, huh?”.. And that’s all. He didn’t give two shits about her.

His attention was completely on someone else.

UNDER THE BRIDGE

She sent Naruto to get Sasuke for her benefits, so she can keep him. Again, disregarding Sasuke’s feelings and what he wanted. Naruto should’ve said “I’ll bring him back because HE wants too, to keep HIM safe, not for you.”

Naruto pretty much said the same thing in this arc, Larry. Naruto, in part 1, was happy for Sakura feeling the same about Sasuke as him, that is ‘To bring him back’. And also sad that his crush really loves someone else. But after Sakura gave up on Sasuke and faking her confession, Naruto decided, ‘Alright, I want to save him personally. I don’t care about our promise anymore”.

This is where, SS ship goes into a crazy ride and it’s not a positive one.

Sasuke was on a rampage. He lost the ability to differentiate between his friends and foes. He stabbed Karin. And when he find her alive, he was about to Chidori her.

And then comes the pink princess, full of lies and deceit. And Sasuke being impatient and disgusted with her lies, he does this

Well, in part 1, she had a degree of power to change his heart. But not here. He, instead, got riled up more and even tried to kill her without a warning and that too by not looking at her face. Pathetic!!!!

This scene screams ‘Trust issues’ from both sides.

Did it stop here???

Fucking Shit!!!!!! Is there any people who still ship this nonsense?. If you are a Sakura fan, you should hate her for the lack of trust and backstabbing the person she loves,

If you are a Sasuke fan, errrrmmm.....I have nothing to say. You know what to do.

There is nothing positive here, that can make me ship them. He is killing her like a Mosquito.

If you truly loved someone in the past, even in your darkest moments, you will be honest and you cannot fake before that person.

Proof??

Here, Sasuke had a clear resolve to kill his brother, Itachi. He lived for this moment for about 8 years and immersed himself in Darkness for 3 years with Orochimaru. He could have run away, dodge or look away from Itachi. But Sasuke simply couldn’t!!! You know why?? Sasuke loved Itachi once more than anything in this world. At this moment, he is letting all those defense loose and embracing the moment and see what Itachi was about to do. Because somewhere in his heart he trusts Itachi.

But killing Sakura doesn’t make Sasuke feel anything. She is just another victim like Danzo or Karin or all those Samurais or a fucking mosquito!!!!

So you are telling me that Sasuke had feelings for her but kept it hidden all along and still tried to kill her like a pest???

Give me a fucking break!!!!

And you all know, who changed Sasuke’s heart here in this scene. It was not Sakura. There’s absolutely no reason for Sasuke to listen to that person and what’s more, Sasuke even made a promise (despite being in darkness, he had it in his heart to listen to that person) to destroy Konoha only after killing that person ..

WAR ARC

Well, this is the arc where Sakura behaves like a rabid dog on heat waiting for Sasuke and shamelessly trying to wag her tails. But Sasuke didn’t give two shits about her, not once or twice but multiple times.

MOMENT 1

An explosion was about to kill the whole shinobi alliance and this dude wants to save Jugo, his companion and Naruto, the person who will challenge his Revolution, his rival and the one whom he wants to kill. Why only Naruto??? Why not Naruto and Sakura???

Pink cherry Queen doesn’t even crossed Sasuke’s mind. Because he already threw her away in part 1.

MOMENT 2

Alright Bitch!!! The entire shinobi alliance was dying on the other side of the battlefield. And this asshole is doing a clownshow before Madara just to get inside Sasuke’s pants????

I mean, Come On!!!!

Well, if Sasuke truly likes her, he should be the one to have catched her or atleast should have asked her, ‘are you alright??’

I am sorry, where are the romantic feelings???

MOMENT 3

ROFLLLL🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

For the first time, Kishimoto is trolling those Sakutards through Sasuke’s words, what we, readers were right about all along. He is calling her useless here. And still these fake feminazis trying to ship her with him???

Don’t you guys have any self respect??? If so, this should be the moment to jump out of this trash ship.

MOMENT 4

Geez!!! You are still on this ship?????

He clearly doesn’t want to save her at all. The hawk can clearly lift 3 people. Sasuke is not even making an effort here.

And you are still yapping that he is blinded by darkness???

MOMENT 5

This is the moment SS calls it as ‘eyesmex’... While in reality, he was just looking at her and silently thanking her for helping him out. Do you know what is a real ‘eyesmex’??? I will attach it at the end.

If you guys pull this as true love, then he should have stayed in the same love till the end. But Sasuke has other ideas.

This is the one of the funniest thing in this arc. LOLLLLL

Instead of being relieved that Sakura was saved, Sasuke was wondering about Kakashi’s Susanoo.....and Sharingan.

Do people still think he cares about her????

MOMENT 6

Am cackling here, while dissecting the sorry state of this ship guys 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣!!!! If something good happens to me because of SS , it’s just the way you guys are making me laugh by making a clown out of yourself!!!!

Do you guys know something? There was a man named Itachi. Before massacring his clan, the very first person he killed was his ‘supposed’ Girlfriend, named Izumi. I wouldn’t say Itachi loved her like a lover boy. It was just one sided on her part. He just talks to her when he finds a spare time and considers her a good friend.

Do you know how he killed her?

By putting her in a ‘Tsukuyomi’. And what kind of Tsukuyomi, you ask?

Can you see how he fulfilled her dreams gracefully before he was going to kill her???

Why didn’t Sasuke do this???? Why particularly select a murdering genjutsu????

MOMENT 7

He said it, finally.

He don’t love her at all. There was no hidden feelings. He admitted from his own mouth.

One day later, after the final VoTE battle ends.... After exchanging some intense feelings and even crying tears of happiness with Naruto....

Sasuke tells Sakura, ‘Sorry’....

Ummm.... That’s all???

All those negative shits happened before cannot be solved by just simply saying ‘Sorry’ and ‘Thank you’. If someone has an ounce of self-respect, they should know this is not OKAY at all...🙅🏻‍♀️🙅🏻‍♀️🙅🏻‍♀️🙅🏻‍♀️

Am Sorry, but Sasuke was just being politely blunt, kind of insincere towards Sakura and turned his attention somewhere else in a matter of minutes. He was not even bothered by Sakura’s tears here. Instead staring at someone on his left. Remember I talked about touching the person physically and visually?

Sasuke is subconsciously or purposefully touching someone on his left through his eyes. Definitely it’s not Sakura. You know who it is. Remember SStards’ infamous ‘eyesmex’... I seriously believe this is a perfect example of ‘eyesmex’.

All these intense looks and feeling pain still doesn’t serve Sakura, even after pulled out of darkness. If there is a moment, where SS wants to shine, then this is where it should be. He should have told her, how he missed her all along, how he felt about hurting her, should have wiped her tears and some corny shit. But instead, Sasuke went for a long ass monologue for his friend and talking about sharing his pain.

What about your kween’s pain????

You don’t have to ship SNS. But you should know where Sasuke’s priorities are.

It’s not Sakura.

Sasuke said ‘Sorry’ to Karin too. ‘Thank you’ to Kakashi as well.

And what’s even more pathetic is, still Sakura wants to get inside Sasuke’s pants by accompanying him. Bitch, you can help your village, console your best friend Ino who lost her father, try to surpass Tsunade, improve your skills or whatever... Why bother him???

So, if you really think ‘Thank you’ as a token of love, then I can’t help it but term Sakura as a rabid dog who waits for her master to come home and throw some bones whenever he finds time. Your standards for a romantic love is piss poor and you will suffer just like Sakura in Boruto with just emptiness. All Sasuke did was poke her forehead just like Itachi which symbolizes keeping someone at a distance. He also said the same words to her just like Itachi said to him many times ‘Mata kondo da’ meaning ‘Maybe next time’. And we all knew that next time never came for Sasuke.

Now all we see is a Sasuke as an absentee father in Boruto for which I don’t blame him. He was never a marriage material in the first place. Sakura and the Manga Editors forced him and she is paying for it.

Hell, Sarada doesn’t know how her own father looks like or the truth of her mother. Both of them were miserable and I find it absolutely ridiculous when SS shippers still say “they’re in love” or they’re OTP.

All I want to say to SS shippers is, Your Ship Has Sailed Already. You cannot expect Sasuke to go lovey dovey towards Sakura with a 12 year old daughter around and for fuck’s sake, this is not a romance manga, it’s a battle manga. So stop dreaming about this kind of non-existential romance and pull yourself altogether.

#naruto analysis #ask #sasunaru #sasunarusasu #anti sakura #anti sasusaku

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madara-fate · 3 years ago

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hello, really sorry for the long ask but i feel like it needs to be said 'cause i keep seeing this topic being sent to your ask, and i'd like to add my thoughts as well. as someone who loves both hinata and sakura and is very active on twitter, BOTH sides of the fandom are toxic towards each other and the other character they hate/dislike. both sides keep pointing fingers at each other, acting like they have the higher moral ground than the other, when in actuality, none of them do.

ss/skr stans like to say that they're only reacting to shit started by nh/hnt stans, but there are people in the ss/skr fandom who love to start shit too, and nh/hnt stans are also just reacting to their bs. both fandoms love to call out each other but consistently turn a blind eye when the people in their own fandom do the exact same thing. the constant back-and-forth, not so subtle jabs to rile each other up... seriously, neither ss/skr or nh/hnt fandom is exempted from this behaviour, especially on twitter, which is undeniably a whole weird and toxic place to be in for fandoms in general. the sooner both ss/skr and nh/hnt fandoms realise and ADMIT their own hypocrisy, the better (but that's like waiting for pigs to fly lmao). they keep calling the other fandom hypocrites and claim to be the better one when fact of the matter is, they both can be EQUALLY toxic and hypocritical, and NONE is better than the other despite them love to believe that they are.

at the end of the day, every fandom has its bad apples and for a fandom as big as naruto's, it's impossible to run away from having toxic people in the fandom, who thrive from behaving like this online. it's honestly very tiring to see both ss/skr and nh/hnt fandoms fight every other day, call each other names when they both operate the same way, but like to act innocent when it comes to their own fandom. not to mention the amount of people who readily would hate on the character and make posts about it that add more fuel to the fire, just because they fail to separate the fandom from the character. as someone who just wants to indulge both sakura and hinata content on twitter, it's really difficult to find those who don't operate this way on twitter. it's like a whole culture for fandoms on that site.

i'm honestly not sure why i'm still active on twitter lol. you're right about tumblr being more chill.

Yeah, I've never insinuated that one side is better than the other. What I don't get is why I'm being dragged into it and why those Anons are sending me those kinds of messages, as though it would upset me that NH got those scenes? I mean, I like NH too and I enjoyed those scenes from the newest episode, but that childish Anon was trying to gloat as if NH just got a one up on SS or something, like it's a petty competition between the two ships.

It's just like yeah, NH got a good episode and SS weren't featured in it, but so what? Why would I care? It's so utterly pathetic.

#naruhina #sasusaku

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sinkix · 5 years ago

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Haikyuu!!│Obsessive/Yandere HC’s │

Warning - Contains dark themes, mentions of emotional and physical abuse & sexually suggestive/explicit (18+) content, reader’s discretion is advised.

Characters - Hinata, Kuroo, Daichi, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Oikawa, Bokuto, Tendou & Kageyama.

Important Note: This is in no way romanticising or normalising toxic/abusive behaviour, you should not do as such as this is incredibly dangerous and unhealthy. If you identify any of these in your own relationships please seek help from a member of authority, counsellor or someone who can remove you from and aid in your recovery from the situation. This is a great contrast from all my other work on here so please read with caution. Stay safe <3

Hinata - The Hell-bent Visionary

Danger level: 6.5/10

So you’ve caught the eye of Karasuno’s ray of sunshine?

Bask in it’s warmth while you can, for the sun sets and leaves a chilling dark in it’s wake.

When he becomes focused on something, it’s hard to break the dedication he has. It’s unyielding, firm and persistent. Once you light a fire in him, it’s near impossible to put out.

And you didn’t just spark a flame, you formed a whole inferno.

Blowing up your phone with texts, calls and the tapping of rocks against your bedroom’s glass from late night visits to your doorstep. Greeted with the sickening scent of blood-red roses filling your nose at a reminder of how firmly he has you in his hold that will never falter. The lingering scratch marks adorning the window panes that you could have sworn were not there the night before.

He can’t get enough of you, and the more time he spends with you, the more addictive your presence becomes.

He’s hooked, reaching the point of rivalling his sporting passion.

He learns to balance the two equally, and any second that isn’t spent practising, he is by your side or doing everything in his power to be.

It’s tunnel vision. All he sees is you, and the ball, nothing else matters. Relentlessly chasing for both long after his lungs tire and legs give out.

He is a dark, unwavering force of nature, itching to monopolise you and eradicate any threat on what belongs to him. Yet around everyone else, he's a bundle of lovable sunshine who wouldn't dare hurt a fly, and while he doesn't show an outright aggressive nature, you know there's something sinister lurking underneath that might one day snap.

It’s his stare that haunts you the most.

That ominous, chilling stare which pierces through your heart and impales it on a stick, out on display for him to marvel at in all it’s vulnerable beauty. The level of intensity and sheer devotion glinting in his eyes is nothing short of haunting.

Luckily for you, Hinata will not cause physical harm, but it’s his presence and ‘Jekyll & Hyde’ nature which will slowly but surely chip away at you until your sanity is reduced to dust. The worst part? Since he is loved by everyone, no one sees the twisted side you do, and as a result left permanently in a state of self-doubt and second guessing. Your mind will eventually spiral into a descent to madness until your right where he wants you.

Be careful, for even the sun’s light burns out eventually. And when it does, you’ll be swallowed by the darkness.

Kuroo - The Devil’s Reciprocal

Danger level: 9/10

Ahhh, the bad boy who smells of cigarettes and sex, the one who lurks in bars long after midnight eyeing up his prey. This man gives Satan a run for his money. I hope you’re prepared. What did you do to catch his eye, anyway?

Whatever it was, it’s doomed you to an eternity in hell on earth.

Or heaven, if you’re a glass half full kind of person.

Kuroo drew you in like a moth to a flame, you knew he had no glinting halo, but that was his appeal.

He was the incarnation of everything your parents warned you about, and you couldn’t get enough of it.

Hell, you still can’t. But that doesn’t minimise the damage done to you every second he turns the light on, reeling you in once again, further and further until there’s no escape, utterly blinded by his deceiving tactics.

He has many admirers, you know. So in his eyes he feels you should be privileged to be given so much of his attention, that once received would leave any sane person running.

Unfortunately, you don’t seem to be sane enough, and he recognises this. He knows he’s got you hooked on his every word, dragging out the syllables like a lullaby that leave you entranced and begging for more.

What can I say? The man has a way with words, and you’re totally enthralled by every sentence.

Kuroo recklessly waves his charm like a gun, never a moment of hesitation to utilise it in order to get what he wants.

And he always gets what he wants.

It’s so dangerous it will leave you down on your knees in an act of submission and prepared to do anything to please him. The tip of the pistol aimed at your temple as if daring your defiance.

He revels in seeing that doe-eyed expression, fully aware of how much control he holds over every cell in your body. All of them scream out for him, for Kuroo. To kiss you, touch you and whisper sweet-nothings into your ear that linger with his hot breath scathing your neck, burning his scent into your memory until it’s one you’ll never forget.

With all that temptation comes consequence though, because once you give in, you’ll face the sadists horns that lurk underneath.

Intertwining your bodies and tracing a switchblade across your jugular, he’ll stretch his lips into a wide, cunning grin, slamming into you and rutting his hips until they connect with yours. Throwing your head back in ecstasy, your whine will be stifled and cut short by the piercing slit of a blade shallowly opening the skin of your throat, the sharp sting lingering as his tongue deepens the incision with delight.

He is incredibly possessive, so anyone he deems a threat will be mercilessly eradicated, soon to be forgotten though. He will never allow your thoughts to be consumed by anything but him.

Grinding his body against yours, the husky murmuring of pillow talk he is all too skilled at will leaves your knees trembling and buckling before him, with the one question he will only ever accept one answer to.

“Tell me sweetheart, who do you belong to...?”

Shuffling the cards and dragging cigar smoke across his lips, he’ll sip that glass of gin snidely and lock you in place with his smouldering gaze. Forever a reminder there’s no escape from his enslaving curse.

Daichi - The Despotic Protector

Danger level: 6/10

Karasuno’s father figure and reliable captain rolled into one. I hope you’re prepared for a lifetime of suffocation, because he’s never letting you go.

He takes on an almost a parental role in the relationship, and a toxic one.

Controlling, overbearing and monitoring your every move. He will never allow you to do anything without his permission out of fear for your safety.

I mean, what if something happens to you while you’re not within his peripherals?

That’s a thought he simply couldn’t bear.

He’ll lock you in the confines of his home if he has to. But don’t get mad sweetheart, it’s because he cares for you.

Soon enough Daichi will have isolated you from the world, never seeing the shining of sunlight unless your arm is looped around his in a crushing hold.

Friends? You can forget them, he made sure to steer you far, far away from those. He just can’t risk them laying a finger on you or putting you in harms way, he would never forgive them.

Daichi desperately tries to convince you he has your best interests at heart, and unluckily for you, you fall right into his trap.

Your whole life is consumed by him, and only him. Watching the clock tick by aimlessly until you hear his footsteps up the driveway, scurrying to the door to greet him like an obedient dog upon his arrival.

Pulling you into a loving hug that threatens to squeeze the life out of you, you can’t help but let your mind roam and ponder the question lurking at the back of your thoughts.

Has he ever killed with these hands?

They seem too crushing. Like a brute, inhuman force. You can picture his fingers wrapped around someone’s throat and draining them of oxygen almost too easily.

Little did you know, your hypothesis was painfully accurate.

An old childhood friend of yours, currently 6 feet under in the yard. Your bare feet trampling over his grave and none the wiser every time he allows you to set foot in the garden.

You’ll never know, though. It’s not like you can check your phone without his permission anyway, he’s already blocked their contact.

Days, weeks, months pass by of his constant monitoring and controlling behaviour. The CCTV’s scattered in every corner of the house, the social deprivation and loneliness that creeps in every time he’s not there as you roam the barren household, the purple finger marks roping your wrists from when he kept you in a paralysing grip,daring your disobedience.

and you can’t help but wonder,

Maybe the person you needed protecting from was him.

Tsukishima - The Mendacious Manipulator

Danger level: 8.5/10

How unlucky you are to be paired with this mentally destroying sadist.

At first Tsukishima’s wit, sarcasm and clever quips were what allured you, never did you think they would be used against you. Wielded like a weapon with a blade sharp enough to slice you in two.

And I’m warning you, every cut hurts.

There’s no escaping from it, a string of degrading remarks whispered cruelly in your ear while holding hands in public, appearing to be a cute and affectionate couple, but a sinister secret lurks underneath that only you know of.

He’ll treat you like a dog, expecting you to be at his every beck and call, serving on your knees with a painted smile that’s woefully forced on with every ounce of strength you have left.

You are his puppet, his useless little play thing that he makes painfully aware of how disposable they truly are.

And don’t take him for a fool, he will discard you if he sees fit.

Unmerciful, cruel, snide, are the some of many words that can describe Tsukishima, and as you’ll soon find out none of them are pleasant.

He will craftily make you open up to him. Revealing your deepest insecurities,traumas and troubles then sheath it like a sword to your neck, holding you hostage to your own weaknesses in order to gain that empowering sense of control he oh-so revels in. Endlessly striving to achieve his selfish, favourable outcome.

This Yandere is one of most intelligent of the bunch, and unfortunately for you, does not use his intelligence for charitable or good-natured purposes.

He knows exactly what to say to leave you curled up in a ball, tears streaming and wracked in emotional agony as you plead for forgiveness on something that isn’t even your fault. He knows this, but finds it comical and all too amusing to see you so broken over something when you weren’t the one to blame. He gets off to your mental anguish.

You’ll be left stumbling the streets at 2 in the morning, contemplating your life and everything as you know it, he will warp your perception of the world until he is the only one you can crawl to. After all, it’s your fault, right? He’s the only one who could tolerate you, everyone else abandoned you because you were so insufferable.

...is what he’ll have you believe. In reality, Tsukishima was pulling strings behind the scenes to ensure you would distance yourself from friends and family, resulting in them doing the same. Wrapping you around his finger and twisting your behaviour into one that’s volatile and unapproachable, until you’re left totally alone.

You’ll never know though.

That mental fortitude will soon shatter, and when it does, he’ll cackle at it’s pathetic remains.

Yamaguchi - The Diffident Vampire

Danger level: 5/10

I’m sad to say, but your tween Twilight fantasies will be crushed when you stumble upon this mess of a monster.

I don’t mean to say he’s a literal vampire, but you’ll understand the use of this metaphor once we delve into some of his tendencies.

He is incredibly insecure, the walking embodiment of the very word.

Now that isn’t the reason you should be warded off, everyone has self-esteem issues. However, this trait of his plays a huge part in siphoning the life out of you.

He captured your heart with his soft and sympathetic nature, easily startled and somewhat skittish.

You didn’t see what was below the iceberg however, and once you did, he sank his teeth in and began to suck before you could escape, draining you dry until you have no more left to give. Nothing to spare until he is licking his lips in satisfaction, swelled with the abundance at the emotional dependency he has built up on you.

He needs reassurance like a life line, and while some might find this endearing at first, it undoubtedly becomes highly toxic and emotionally exhausting.

Yamaguchi is incredibly volatile with his sensitivity, you have to watch your words and be sure he doesn’t misinterpret them and become dejected. He will read into everything you say and question every little detail.

This is one of those Yandere’s that wouldn't do it intentionally I don’t think, but by the time he catches himself it’s too late, he’s in far too deep to stop and I don’t think he ever will once he realises how addicted he is to you, your words boosting his sense of worth and being the only form of confidence he’s ever felt in his life.

It’s quite sad, really.

Don’t pity him too much, though. That’s the trap. That’s how reels you in until the teeth marks adorning your neck are a harsh reminder that you are nothing more than food for his ego.

If you ever think about leaving, he will have no qualms grovelling at your knees, razor to his wrists and begging you to stay. A cruel memoire at what keeps you tied here in the first place.

Pity.

Care.

The mutual empathy you saw in him that drew you in was now broken and one-sided, his selfishness far outweighing this trait of his and becoming your death-sentence.

The marks will never fade. One day you’ll collapse to your knees and cave, but he won’t stop until he has bled you bare.

Oikawa - The Venusian’s Nightmare.

Danger level: 8/10

Oh charming Oikawa. The pretty boy with enough carnal seduction to rival his greek goddess counterpart. Hair smooth as silk, eyes glinting with mischief and a smirk that could bow you down on all fours. He has everything, or so it seems.

Sanity isn’t one of them.

He is VERY demanding when he craves your attention, which let’s face it is pretty often. If he doesn’t get it? Definition of a nightmarish brat.

He will whine, complain, blow up your phone. Still not available?

He’ll simply disappear.

For how long? Who really knows. He likes the thought of you on edge and anticipating his return, thoughts of him plaguing your mind to the point you question if you’re the one who’s obsessed.

Don’t worry though, when he returns he has enough sensual suave to make you forgive him ten times over.

You may think his bratty and sulking nature is the worst of it.

Oh how wrong you are.

Push him to his limits or the closest thing to it and you’ll face a cut-throat, teasing sadist who will tie you to the bed with a sickening sparkle in his eyes, marvelling at your skin jaggedly sliced open like a sheet of paper, tracing the wounds with his tongue and lapping up the blood before pulling you into a heated kiss which seems almost loving, if it weren’t for the metallic taste intertwining your tongues as a harsh reminder that you’re not here by choice.

He is definitely the type to mock you and howl with laughter as your body spams and writhes in pain, degrading you with the most vile remarks till tears spill from your eyes.

“Awh poor (Y/N)-chan, crying like a baby. Can’t handle the pain? What a pathetic little whore. Maybe if you beg enough, I’ll ease up the pressure~”

Sometimes he’ll leave you there wrist-bound to the bed post for hours, coming back in occasionally until your level of pleading satisfies him.

His change in treatment is paradoxical in the aftermath, he will release you from your restrains and rub your skin with such tender care, it’s agonisingly deceiving.

One of the most dangerous things about him is his intuition, it’s damn near supernatural and makes for a natural born lie detector. Oikawa will sense the slightest shift in your mood, tone and body language. He knows you like the back of his hand, making it all the more unnerving to be in his presence.

This can be a positive if he is looking to fill you with ecstasy, since he knows every sweet spot, curl of his fingers and words to whisper that leave you trembling in mind-numbing pleasure.

Though you know once coming down from your high, your moments of heaven will slip through your fingers before crashing back down to reality.

He can read you like a book that he wrote with his own hands and it’s horrifying, he can predict what you’re going to say or do before you’ve even made up your mind. Which as you can guess, makes escape or wheedling out of a threatening scenario a null alternative.

If you decide to make the suicidal mistake of lying, your body will never quite function the same once he’s through. not to mention the plethora of emotional scarring that comes along with it.

After catching you in your mendacity and deeming your punishment enough, he’ll decorate your body in cuts, bruises and hickeys that throb from the abuse of his teeth. Laying you down in bed and tucking you in gently, wrapping an arm around in an act of ‘protection’ that was formerly wrapped around your throat in an act of threatening asphyxiation.

Eyes fluttering closed hours after he drifted off beside you, your heart rate quells and the tears staining your cheeks dry, preparing for the repeated cycle when the sun rises.

How foolish to be lured in by such a facade, even the most beautiful of creatures can be hideous.

Bokuto - The Volcanoes Slaughter

Danger level: 9.5/10

The ticking of a time bomb, the cracking of the ground beneath your feet.

Once you are swept up in this man’s wrath you know there will never be an escape.

and he’s fucking terrifying.

His energy and vigour were what charmed you, his upbeat enthusiasm that while volatile, was very contagious and encouraging.

If only you had known what kind of disaster was laying low under the surface.

Akaashi had tried to warn you, but you simply never listened.

He pities you now, for you’re in the same boat as him.

Eternally putting up with his violent tempers and erratic nature, which you often get the brunt of behind closed doors, left to cover the scars with a scarf and cheap pot of concealer.

His moods switch as quick as the direction of the wind, a gust too strong that leaves you flying back like a ragdoll against the wall.

Or that may just be because he actually threw you in a fit of rage, itching to see your limp body crack against the drywall to soothe his rage. Drowning the voices in his head with the sound of your soothing whimpers filled with agony.

While he may beat you black and blue whenever the overflow of emotions take over, he still does ‘care’ for you in his own sickening way, and would never have any qualms snapping a neck or two if it prevented anyone else laying a finger on you.

Though to be honest it’s the furthest thing from care, it’s downright monopolisation of something he deems his object.

How dare they hurt his personal punching bag, don’t they know you’re his and his alone to mark up in any way he pleases?

To everyone else, he seems like a very loving and protective boyfriend who has the occasional mood swing. If only they could pick up on the flinching of your body when his voice raises even a decibel, or the way you retract in fear at the swatting of a hand too close to your face.

The anxiety felt when in his presence is indescribable, your whole body will soon become accustomed to trembling in fear, your fight or flight kicking in at the mere mention of his name. His voice sends every hair standing on end, bracing for the impact that may or may never come from his grazed fists.

Treading on eggshells and analysing every word before you speak will become second nature, even the tone of your voice or the way you arrange a question will be heavily thought over before even daring to let it escape your mouth.

You just can’t risk it, even hearing a word he doesn’t like will result in the tectonic plates shifting, getting closer to his impending eruption.

Once you hear the rumbling, you’ll know it’s far too late to run. Burned by the raging lava and consumed whole in a flood of pain and misery, it will destroy everything in it’s wake, even you.

Tendou - The Jesters Despair

Danger level: 10/10

You really opened pandora’s box with this one.

And once you so much as cracked it for a peak, just that little inkling of curiosity, the lanky arm of a redhead yanked your wrist and dragged you in with him.

Tendou’s eccentric and offbeat disposition was something you had always admired, it was what made your heart flutter.

Now? That eccentricity is put to the most horrifying of uses.

Mind games, manipulation, and unpredictability beyond your worst nightmare.

Tendou is the type to sink a blade into your skin and cackle maniacally while you cry and plead for him to stop. Edging himself and eyeing you up greedily at the painful fear in your eyes, blood trickling down your skin with each incision.

He’ll pull your hair back and slide his tongue along the cuts, his lustful gaze boring into your own as the pooling saliva leaves a chilling feeling on your skin, nose wrinkled in disgust at the thought of his DNA entering your bloodstream.

He thrives on trickery and deception. He’s the type to say something incredibly warm and soft-centred, one that makes your pupils expand in newfound hope with the question of “...really?” rolling off your tongue. That inkling of hope sparking the thought that maybe, just maybe he’s changed.

Only to burst into a fit of laughter at your naivety, teasing you relentlessly for how gullible and moronic he thinks you are.

This yandere is incredibly incalculable. Here one minute, gone the next. Don’t even bother trying to figure out what he’s doing or where he is, you’ll never know. It keeps you on your toes in the most negative and unnerving sense of the expression, he gets a buzz off leaving you wondering, and takes great satisfaction in knowing you’re probably thinking about him.

However, he expects you to be there whenever he needs you, regardless of circumstance. And if you’re not? You’ll have consequences to face.

I’m sorry to say, but there is no chance in hell you’re surviving this experience, there’s no doubt you’ll be murdered eventually.

After all, he does get bored easily. Not so much as giving it a second thought on disposing of you once you are no longer a source of fresh entertainment for his sadistic desires.

With each passing day his treatment becomes increasingly brutal, searching for new ways to fulfil that empty feeling in his heart and cold, hollow look in his eyes. Don’t even bother trying to save him, not even he would know where to start.

Every night as you shut your eyes on the hardwood floor beside his bed, you can’t help but wonder if this is the last time you’ll ever close them.

And for your sake? You’d better hope it is.

Charming you with the humour of a Jester and putting on a show, he’ll make it certain every time you laugh, will be paid back with tears twofold.

Kageyama - The Majesties Tyrant

Danger level: 7/10

Kneel before your highness or face his wrath. Kageyama Tobio is the most commanding of them all. Permanently trapped in his dictatorship with no hope of revolt.

He doesn’t become set on things very often, but once he does it’s something he’ll never give up until he’s conquered it wholly.

Stubborn, moody, domineering and demanding. With just enough of a soft side he uses to persuade you back again.

Fuelled by ego, pride, and a sense of superiority, he will never stop until he has your total obedience.

Being the dense man he is, this is usually achieved through simplistic means of intimidation and threats of aggression.

Kageyama will not hesitate to raise his fist and back you into a corner, cowering in recoil at his menacing aura that itches to do damage

You will do what he says, whenever he needs it, no if’s but’s or objections.

For such a hard headed ruler, he’s surprisingly childish and unsure about how to express anything other than abuse.

I think a part of him genuinely does like you, but it’s far too clouded by his toxic nature that it could never be seen as even slightly redeemable.

The most you’ll ever get out of Kageyama is the occasional hug, in which he squeezes you far to tight and resurfaces the pain of last nights bruises.

He doesn’t resort to physical violence often, as he is always reprimanded by the team to control his anger. If only they knew what he was like behind closed doors. I suppose you could credit it to Karasuno that he hasn’t accidentally killed you yet.

Yet.

When it comes to matters in the bedroom, he is focused solely on his own gratification, yours being a second thought he never so much as acknowledges.

Collared and threaded by chain, you will crawl beside him and take it all until you’re gasping for air. The only thing he cares about is climaxing and leaving you with the cleanup.

He’s quite self conscious, so don’t expect much physical affection unless he’s chasing a particularly intense release.

Kageyama is highly jealous and frequently painted green with envy, so expect your social life to dwindle significantly once he has his hands on you, literally and metaphorically.

Thankfully, he won’t isolate you entirely, but it’s enough to leave you feeling segregated from the rest of the world. A lone member of his regime that you are forever trapped in with no chance of escape.

Bow down with a meek mutter of “Yes...master.” His crown will twinkle in the moonlight as a symbol of your everlasting enslavement.

The king of the court, and the ruler of your heart.

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sepublic · 4 years ago

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Barrel’s Warhammer!

YYYYOOOOOO SASHA!!!!

She really is the epitome, the pinnacle, of gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss! I love Sasha, she’s such an utter mess, morally ambiguous and then downright terrible in so many ways, and genuinely unhinged in just as many! She’s a freaking riot and SUCH an amazing character, y’all!

In general, I adore how Toads are handled in this show! Yeah, they’re big and brutish and used as thugs… But the show still clearly portrays them as people, and some of them are terrible like Bog, but others are just trying to live their lives, like Percy and Braddock! And how they’re all clearly working with this ascribed role as Andrias’ enforcers and iron fist across Amphibia, how they’re encouraged to be cruel brutes… But they’re still people and they’re still oppressed, which is why Grime is leading his rebellion! Good for him, good for THEM!

Also… GRIMMITY?!?! Beatrix?! Grime LORE! I like how Beatrix and Grime have blind eyes on opposite sides, and Sasha roasting Bufo by naturally connecting his name to Buffoon, WONDERFUL! Aldo’s also a legendary, killer design, he reminds me of VLD Zarkon, old and decrepit and fanged and clearly has seen a LOT of stuff, a real warrior of his time… Honestly, getting a look into the Toads and THEIR complicated role in this story, as the ‘bad guys’ but not really, there’s more to them; It’s such a fit to Sasha’s character, and I LOVE how she’s such an utter brute for someone who normally seems accustomed to using honey over vinegar to attract flies (to feed her Toads)! She’s nuts, she’s great.

I love the explanation for the eye symbol, I love Sasha really getting to appreciate Percy and Braddock, and for a moment I thought she really was learning her lesson… When she gave them an out, I thought maybe she took what happened with Anne to heart, but now…! Maybe this is what she’s always done; Made empty promises. God, I love this little arc for her character, how she wants to be a good friend, but she keeps valuing power and control over all else…

AND HER RAGE! HER JEALOUSY! At Anne and Marcy being with each other, leaving her out, Sasha’s mind jumping to all of the worst conclusions, and how THAT anger is what unlocks her gem power, not heroism or anything else! Sasha’s such a complex and messed-up character but you can’t help but root for her, she really IS a Problematic Fave! God, with how she’s going to meet Anne in a volcano, and the whole “Sasha is Anakin and Anne is Obi-Wan” just WRITES itself, with Sasha angrily accusing Anne of turning Marcy against her, Anne retorting that Sasha did that herself, etc.!

God Sasha’s such a complicated mess and ball of unresolved emotions and contradictions, denial that’s insisting everything’s fine when it’s really not… She’s a manipulator who prefers to be hands-off, yet is also somehow the raw brute with unthinking, unyielding strength! She’s utterly terrifying, no wonder all of the Toads are in awe of her ferocity and power!

Also, I like how Barrel’s Warhammer was included; At first I wondered WHY the Narwhal Worm would guard the weapon used by the Toad who fought it, but as we can clearly see… Barrel must’ve conked it out BADLY with his Warhammer, knocking it out, and the hammer has been stuck since! And once more, the hammer has been slammed into the worm… And in general, I love seeing the Toads just ROOT around Sasha and Grime, I love seeing villainous characters get to go feral and unhinged as you root for them, as THEY rise up and fight against all odds as the underdogs!

Percy and Braddock and the gag with the kawaii poses was great, but it’s also sad to see them go! They’re definitely a wake-up call for Sasha and I like it, I wonder if you could parallel them, one-by-one, to Anne and Marcy respectively? Perhaps Anne and Marcy were initially not taken seriously by Sasha at first, but ultimately she DID grow to care for them and not just as ‘tools’, who knows? With Anne and Percy and Braddock, I think Sasha’s going to have to reconsider things… And GRIME, how he just sort of accepts that, yeah, you gotta lose people to achieve a goal! I could see him being a bad influence to Sasha, unintentionally- Like her, he means well, they’re really great parallels to one another!

Like, Sasha and Grime are both brutes, power-hungry, and wanting control, but Sasha prefers subtlety and manipulation, appeals to both her and others’ emotions, while Grime prefers to be raw and unthinking strength, he’s a seasoned veteran from combat, while Sasha is likely a rich kid, young and learning… They’re such a dynamic duo with a lot to teach one another! Maybe Grime sees himself in Sasha; Himself when HE was a kid… Maybe when he was a gladiator, he had friends but left them behind to be promoted to Captain? I wonder if Beatrix has anything to say on this, too…

Could Beatrix provide insight to Grimmity? Did Grime leave her behind in a sense…? Does SASHA have a sibling, and that leads to her weird power complex, as another parallel to Grime! Either way it’s sweet, I adore the dynamic of two horrible people who are good friends and bad, enabling influences to each other… Being problematic faves, you can’t help but cringe at their mistakes but also cheer as they win as underdogs and turn the tables on their enemies! I like how Sasha is still supportive of Grime and vice-versa, Grime’s guiding this kid, but Sasha’s fully supporting Grime as the de-facto leader and backing him up, not trying to seize control!

I think it really parallels Anne, how she just wanted to get back home… But somewhere along the way, she realizes how much she loves and enjoys this, and values her friend! And maybe it could lead to Sasha not wanting to head back home after all, especially if there’s nothing there for her; Which could play into her keeping all of her gem powers as she opposes Andrias openly, while Anne has some of her power because again, she’s more neutral, and then Marcy has none because she’s fully bought into the Newt King’s schtick!

Also, it’s funny that Sasha is no doubt feeling betrayed, like her trust has been jeopardized by Anne and Marcy, considering she did the same to Anne in Reunion! Lying to her about what she intended to do with the Frogs… It’s wonderfully hypocritical and this kid does NOT want self-awareness, she’ll toy with it for a bit, but then immediately backpedal! Get better and well Sasha, for everyone’s sake… The confrontation and paranoia as she loses her friends and only has Grime, who means well but isn’t so great himself, is also nice!

Honestly, there’s even a parallel to the idea of Sasha meaning well, only to be ruined by her own toxicity… And Grime wanting a better life for Toads in his revolution, but still allowing a hierarchy to exist by the end of the day, instead of abolishing it for all! They both have good ideas and initiative, but it’s ruined by Sasha and Grime not backing down on certain things and not listening to others, being SO sure they’re right… Very compelling stuff. Now I’m starting to wonder if Sasha will be open to Anne about her suspicions, if they WILL get along for the Third Temple…

…Or if she’ll try to manipulate and fool her again, thinking that SHE’s been betrayed herself! And maybe Sasha will realize her faults in the battle of Newtopia, only for it to be too late, Anne has been too betrayed, Sasha has only herself (and, well, Andrias) to blame! In the meantime, as Sasha no doubt embraces her role as a rebel, but also unknowingly as a hero against Andrias and his master… I can see her tapping more into her gem powers and actually using them as part of her rage, hence the shots we see from the Third Temple! She’s going to be terrifying, y’all, and even more of a match for Yunnan at this point… And Anne, poor Anne’s going to be caught between TWO toxic friends!

Both mean well, but both have other bad points… And it just means Anne’s gonna have to forge her own path, make her own decisions and group and faction, be her own person and take initiative once more! But it’s also gonna be lonely and could contribute to more trust issues along the way… And maybe she’ll think she can only trust herself, only do things on her own, and how this might pair badly with her selfless martyr-complex. We’ll have to wait and see, though… We’ll have to wait and see.

#amphibia #amphibia sasha #sasha waybright #amphibia grime #captain grime #amphibia percy #amphibia braddock #analysis #speculation

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shemakesmusic-uk · 4 years ago

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Wallice has shared her subversive new single 'Hey Michael'. 'Hey Michael' amplifies her blood-thirsty nature, a revenge anthem that finds Wallice turning into a worse villain than her erstwhile love interest. A song about toxic tendencies and how they manifest in our lives, 'Hey Michael' twists and turns around American Psycho imagery. Wallice labels "a revenge anthem for anyone who has encountered a gaslighting, manipulative person. It’s what I wish I would have said to all the ‘Michael’s’ I have met in my life. It can be substituted by many names, we all know or have met a ‘Michael’ though. Somehow the world revolves around them and they just can’t catch a break, because they never do anything wrong and it’s usually your fault. You should have listened to your gut instinct and swiped left on this Michael. This isn’t a man-hating song, it’s just something many people can relate to. Sometimes it’s embarrassing to admit just how bad a friend, date, or romantic partner was and a lot of the time, I would just smile and laugh off stupid remarks but when I think back, I wish I had told them off. But at the same time, my persona in the song is not the best person either. I literally say: I think I want to start a fight, which one is your girlfriend? The whole song is funny because I am so focused on how shitty Michael is that I don’t even think about how shitty I might be as well." Directed by Phil Stillwell, the video takes place at a house party, with Wallice interacting with various 'Michaels' before her behaviour spirals into something much, much worse. [via Clash]

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In the same vein as Massive Attack’s suburban groove and social commentary in the mid 90’s, KITA have captured the rhythm and heartbeat of suburban Pōneke; a city abuzz with a vibrant music and dramatic performance scene in their brand new track and official video, ‘Private Lives’. Weaving together elements of vintage rock, pop and soul, and warm hints of synth, KITA have created a skin-prickling piece of magic with ‘Private Lives’, a deeply beautiful track penned in 2020’s lockdown, that delves into the unknown of what happens when the blinds are shut – the parts of life that are unseen by others. "Standing from my kitchen window during lockdown in Aotearoa, sinister thoughts entered my mind about what could be happening behind closed doors for people”, says front-woman Nikita 雅涵 Tu- Bryant. The video tells the story of a father and daughter’s relationship amongst snapshots of everyday life and its monotonous anonymity, while things aren’t always what they appear on the surface. Late at night the father can finally reveal his true self, adorning makeup and sequins, only to be spied by his daughter. The two then share a special moment of dressing up and dancing together, a true celebration of individuality, self-love and the beauty of self-expression.

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'Just Chemistry' is the third single from Dance Lessons, a London-based, female-fronted and produced trio, creating what they define as Serrated Pop. 'Just Chemistry' is a delicate hymn to the unspoken. Dance Lessons return with their signature sound – minimal production, sleek vocals and intricate arrangements. Ann says: “'Just Chemistry' is about the over-complication of our relationships. It’s about the things that are left unsaid in-between the awkward text messages and conversations, and how the absence of knowing can be misinterpreted as doubt. Last year was a difficult one. For a long time, I felt at the mercy of my emotions. I doubted where things were going. I lived in the future and found it hard to commit to the present. But these moments of not knowing can be equally thrilling and beautiful. And that’s what the song is about: finding beauty in the unspoken. In most cases, it’s chemistry that makes us fall in love. Things end, all is temporary. Let’s not go to war with one another over it.” Nat says on the video: “A friend told us about this weird and wonderful house in North London that feels a little like stepping into an acid trip. We obviously wanted to check it out. It’s completely surreal, all over the place (in a great way) and generally eclectic, which felt inherently us. We instantly wanted to do something there and asked the owner for permission to shoot a music video. We filmed during lockdown and were let loose embracing all the oddness of it. Ann also designed and created the outfit she wears in the video, something she does with most of her wardrobe. It was shot, directed and edited by our hugely talented friends Ben Hanson and Simon Frost from Borderland Studios.”

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Returning with her first offering of the year, North London’s rising star Laurel Smith is ready to reveal her anticipated new single, ‘Out the Cage’ accompanied by an action packed and thrilling cinematic style music video directed by Jeremie Brivet and Jai Garcha. Sticking to her winning recipe of moody, dark, electro-pop production paired with effortlessly edgy tales of narrative lyricism, ‘Out the Cage’ is the next huge single from the young, innovative artist that is sure to follow the same trajectory of success as its predecessor, ‘Game Over’ released late last year. A songwriter and recording artist, Laurel Smith has been writing songs since the age of sixteen. With each single she’s released, Laurel has continued to adapt her sound and aesthetic, consistently honing her craft and evolving her brand. She has carefully carved out her place in an ever crowded industry and proceeds to turn heads at every corner. “‘Out The Cage’ is a song about breaking out from your constraints, both physical and mental. Although it can be interpreted in any way, when I wrote it I created a story around a bored housewife, falling out of love with her husband, she fantasises about tying him up and leaving him to be a badass assassin in a video game type world, roaming the city at night and living a life of unpredictability and excitement”.

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Hailing from the Philippines, singer-songwriter Laica is coming off a breakout 2020. Now the 21-year-old is gearing up for the release of her debut album I’m so fine at being lonely. The first single off the project, 'love u lately' is here, accompanied by a music video directed by Cooper Leith. 'Love u lately' is a relatable and infectious track. The song revolves around dating, understanding mixed signals, and the confusion that surrounds that world. Lyrically, Laica walks us through her experiences here, voicing her thoughts and frustrations about someone who she just can't seem to read right. Production-wise, the track is carried by a pulsing synth and a groovy bass. Together, the track feels upbeat. The vibe created by the production stands in contrast with the more emotional lyrics, making the track complex and interesting. The music video takes the concept of 'love u lately' to the extreme, in a fun and playful way. Laica is seen capturing her dream boy and attempting to use witchcraft to finally win him over. The video has a very DIY feel, which could serve to add to the reliability of the track. It’s a great extension of the track and taps into everyone’s most fantasy-driven realities. [via Earmilk]

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At first, Emily C Browning wasn't sure what to think. Spurned, rejected, and cast aside, she was angry, furious, and - at times - utterly bereft. Usually she'd utilise songwriting as a vessel for her emotions, but when she was so conflicted, and feeling so negative, that it just didn't enter her mind. The Christchurch, New Zealand artist needed to take a step back, and when she located some perspective, she was ready to act. New single 'I Wasn't Into You Anyway' is a soaring slice of revenge, one that finds Emily C Browning taking full control of her music. Her first solo production credit, its reminiscent of those surging, empowering Maggie Rogers bops, while also containing similar DNA to Sharon Van Etten's work. Lyrically, it's absolutely her own creation, with Emily leaning on those often-hidden feelings. She comments... "Everyday for a month I wrote in my journal: I want to write a song about feeling rejected. But I couldn’t figure out how to keep it light and funny, it can be quite a painful topic and I didn’t want to sound too heavy. But I kept working on it everyday and came up with this song. I then spent another month recording it, trying to capture a sound that stayed upbeat and playful. I put so much time and energy into the song that I ended up completely forgetting about the person who rejected me in the first place (honest, I swear)." [via Clash]

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Alt-pop force Holly Humberstone returns with new single 'Haunted House'. The songwriter's potent debut EP Falling Asleep At The Wheel was a sensation, racking up more than 100 million global streams. A bona fide phenomenon, Holly returns with a single that displays a more nuanced, reflective side to her work. 'Haunted House' digs into childhood, and looks at the way memory can frame the way we construct our identities. She comments: "I wrote this song about the old and characterful house I grew up in. The house is such a huge part of who I am and our family. With my sisters and I moving out and living separate lives, coming home feels very comforting and one of the only things keeping us all connected." Playing with concrete imagery and no small degree of invention, 'Haunted House' connects art to life in an enchanting fashion. She adds: "The house is almost falling down around us now though, and we’ve realised that pretty soon we’ll be forced to leave. There’s a cellar full of meat hooks and a climate so damp mushrooms grow out of the walls. Loads of people have probably died here in the past but I’ve always felt really safe. It’s like a seventh family member. It’s part of me." [via Clash]

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In 2019, the Boston-born and Brooklyn-based indie rock album Crumb released their debut album Jinx. Crumb haven’t yet announced plans to follow that album up, but they’re definitely working towards something. Last month, the band came out with a one-off single called 'Trophy.' Now, they’ve followed that one with two new tracks, and they’re both winners. The new songs 'BNR' and 'Balloon' both fit nicely into Crumb’s comfort zone. The band’s sound is a rich, sophisticated take on psychedelia, with blissed-out lead vocals from Lila Ramani and with some great funky drum action. The band co-produced both songs with Foxygen’s Jonathan Rado, who’s done great recent work with people like Father John Misty and Weyes Blood and the Killers and who knows how to make oblique ’70s-style pop sound good. But Crumb themselves deserve a ton of credit for coming up with a sound this layered and weird. They’re the rare circa-2021 band who might remind you of Broadcast. In a press release, Ramani says, “‘BNR’ is an ode to my favorite colors. I had a weird obsession with those colors in winter 2018-2019 and felt like they would follow me around everywhere I went." 'BNR' also has a cool music video. Director Joe Mischo starts the clip off as a hallucinatory reverie, but he turns it sharply towards horror at the end. [via Stereogum]

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Last year, Limerick poet/musician Sinead O’Brien released her debut EP, Drowning In Blessings. It was a unique work, a handful of songs featuring O’Brien’s sing-speak over spindly, post-punk guitars. It garnered O’Brien a bit of buzz overseas, and it left you wondering where she might take her music from there. Now, O’Brien’s back with a new song called 'Kid Stuff.' “‘Kid Stuff’ shows up all different tones on different days,” O’Brien said in a statement. “There’s something alive in it which cannot be caught or told. It is direct but complex; it contains chapters. This feels like our purest and most succinct expression yet.” Like Drowning In Blessings, 'Kid Stuff' found O’Brien working with Speedy Wunderground mastermind Dan Carey. Musically, it hints at a level up moment for O’Brien. There was something alluring and jagged about Drowning In Blessings, but 'Kid Stuff' places her usual approach over a song that is surprisingly groovy — maybe even a little danceable. It comes with a video directed by Saskia Dixie. [via Stereogum]

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Das Beat are made up of German actress and vocalist Eddie Rabenberger and Agor of Blue Hawaii. The pair have just shared their first single 'Bubble' online now and are set to release their debut EP Identität on June 4 via Arbutus Records. Born in Berlin during 2020’s legendary lockdown, Das Beat seeks to blast both boredom and boundary. Dabbling in German New Wave, Italo Disco, Indie & Dance, their sound is unified by vocals from Eddie Rabenberger, sung in German and English. Amidst playful lyrics one finds a strong underlying pulse (das “beat”), pinning down the duo’s meandering atmospherics, dreamy synths, guitars and percussion. The duo is half-Canadian and half-German. Agor (of Blue Hawaii), moved to Berlin from Montreal in 2018. Eddie is a theatre actress originally hailing from a small town in Bavaria. Together they find a strange but alluring symbiosis - like Giorgio Moroder meets Nico, or Gina X Performance meets The Prodigy.

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St. Vincent has fully embraced the ’70s aesthetic for her retro-sounding new record, Daddy’s Home. Now, she’s diving headlong into the animation styles of the era with the video for 'The Melting of the Sun'. Presented as a “betamax deluxe release” rip from “Candy’s Music Video Archives,” the clip blends live action shots of St. Vincent herself with the wavy, intermittent animation frames any Schoolhouse Rock student is familiar with. The psychedelic lines fit a song called 'The Melting of the Sun' perfectly, as do the drawings of the legends mentioned in the song’s lyrics like Nina Simone, Joni Mitchell, and Tori Amos. St. Vincent co-directed the clip with Bill Benz, while Chris McD provided the animation. [via Consequence]

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Bay Area slowcore trio Sour Widows have released a new single, 'Bathroom Stall,' from their forthcoming EP Crossing Over, which they announced last month with its title track. The song’s build-up is subtle and poignant like Sufjan Stevens, but Maia Sinaiko’s evocative, sweeping vocals are one-of-a-kind, and the lyrics are graphic and tragic: “Do you remember it like I do?/ Your lips turned blue I had my fingers in your mouth/ And I couldn’t get them out.” Sinaiko said of the song: "This song is about a relationship I had with someone who struggled with addiction, who very tragically passed away three years ago while we were together. It’s about some moments we shared, and how it feels to walk around carrying that person and those experiences with me while the world stays normal. I wrote the song because I wanted to preserve and document what happened to me. to write out the scary stuff and just let it sit there forever. I think its funny that its called 'Bathroom Stall' and that it has that image in it: the song goes from heavy and dark to ordinary and totally pedestrian in a sentence, which feels absurd. And that’s kind of what it’s like to grieve. That’s kind of what’s hard to explain about grief, how absurd it is. Part of you goes to a different planet and part of you stays walking around like an alien on Earth, going to the bathroom and looking at the moon and shit." [via Stereogum]

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As JUNO-nominated singer Kandle Osborne prepares to launch her new project, Set The Fire this spring, she shares the album’s third single, 'Misty Morning.' From being penned on a napkin while abroad to a Vancouver studio, 'Misty Morning' is a sonic journey that echoes soulful vulnerability and an honest reflection of realizing true love. For the video, Kandle reconnects with 'Honey Trap' director, Brandon William Fletcher, to create classic 40s noir-inspired cine-magic, filmed along the Vancouver coastline and within the lush landscape of Stanley Park. Kandle says: “‘Misty Morning’ is my first real love song, captured on a napkin while in Ischia, Italy when I was truly happy. My songwriting usually comes from a place of turmoil and catharsis, but this was simply a snapshot of a perfect, vulnerable moment. In recording it, I wanted to hide behind lush orchestration, but my producer/ best friend Michael Rendall had other ideas. He wanted to strip it down to just piano & a single vocal to take me out of my comfort zone and re-capture the open-hearted feelings I had while writing it. The song and the recording both hold for me a time when I dropped my guard for pure authentic love in spite of all my flaws and failures. In that moment, I felt my true value as a whole person for the first time.”

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On 'Vertigo,' Alice Merton’s first single of 2021, the 27-year-old describes the long road from uncertainty back to self-confidence. It emphasizes the unrest that seizes her again and again, the thought: “Why can’t I just let it go?” These contradicting thoughts and emotions that are so familiar to all of us sum up to an overwhelmingly positive effect - 'Vertigo' leaves you empowered rather than anxious: A powerful indie pop arrangement with distorted guitars, plus Alice Merton’s crystal-clear voice. The result is reminiscent of the British Invasion, with no air of self-doubt. With its energetic live qualities, 'Vertigo' feeds an appetite for summer festivals and concerts that will definitely return at some point. Largely responsible for this is the Canadian producer Koz, a multiple Grammy nominee, who has worked with Dua Lipa ('Physical') among others. Here, too, he adds on to what has already made Alice Merton stand out from the crowd in the past - her classic pop appeal - with an uncompromising and indie attitude. This enables Alice to take another big step: She equally encourages a shaken generation and herself that there will be easy summers again. That you can dance again and lie in each other's arms. That it is absolutely fine to have many facets, to not always be clear, and that strength and weakness are not mutually exclusive.

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Canadian artist Olivia Lunny's new release 'Sad To See You Happy' is a shamelessly poppy track centering an acutely relatable break-up narrative. The Canadian artist follows up her breakthrough success with a bouncy cut to soundtrack 2021’s long-awaited spring. There's a relatable tale of break-up at the heart of the gloriously poppy new single, belied by percussive instrumentation that creates a warm, nostalgic feel. [via Line Of Best Fit]

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After sharing the single last month, Charlotte Adigéry is now revealing the brand new video for ‘Bear With Me (and I’ll stand bare before you)’. The first new music since her 2019 debut EP Zandoli, Charlotte says of the video, “The video is about being confined thus confronted to the way we live. The cruel irony of having the privilege of standing still, questioning and observing my life in all safety while others are fighting for theirs. On the other hand, the video is about trying to stay sane while feeling that the walls are closing in on you. Embracing boredom and finding joy in the little things in life.” Director Alice Kunisue adds, “When I listened to Charlotte’s song and what it meant for her and Bolis, I wanted the video to visually encapsulate that feeling of being stuck inside and confronted to our deeper selves while paradoxically sensing the chaos going on in the outside world without being able to do anything about it. Choosing to film an apartment room from one single angle was a way to reflect that narrowness of thought that we all experienced, but also a constraint that allowed us to explore and develop visual ideas within a narrow system, in a way having to think only inside the box, which artistically was a fun challenge.” [via DIY]

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Millie Turner has shared a video for ‘Concrete Tragedy’. It’s a cut from her upcoming mini-album Eye Of The Storm, set for release on May 16, which also features a rework of breakout song ‘(Breathe) Underwater’. “This video is a visual representation of dancing on your own,” she says of the clip. “Combining the many parts of who we are when we’re by ourselves, I wanted it to feel like you’re entering a world of imagination that comes alive when we express ourselves.” [via Dork]

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Doja Cat and SZA have come together for a new single called 'Kiss Me More.' When the song was announced Wednesday night, the internet flipped out, which is to be expected with these two — especially Doja Cat, who is regularly going viral these days for all kinds of reasons. When it comes to collaborations, she always finds the best people. That includes Saweetie, who appeared on Doja’s recent 'Best Friend' but then claimed that it was released against her wishes. Given SZA’s long history of public frustration over TDE Records holding back her new album, she is probably happy to have any new music out. Despite recent single 'Good Days' hitting the top 10, her restless fanbase is still awaiting a follow-up to 2017’s iconic Ctrl. 'Kiss Me More' is the first single from Doja’s new album Planet Her, scheduled for release this summer. It returns to the disco vibes of Doja’s #1 hit 'Say So,' this time with no apparent resemblance to any Skylar Spence song. [via Stereogum]

#videos of the week #wallice #kita #dance lessons #laurel smith #laica #emily c. browning #holly humberstone #crumb #st. vincent #sour widows #kandle #alice merton #olivia lunny #charlotte adigery #millie turner #doja cat #sza

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brokenforecast · 6 years ago

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The Emperor

The Emperor: a muggle guide to tarot

It has been more than a year since I wrote on this blog but better late than never. I should have plenty of time from now on, because that is the reason for all this silence: lack of free time. But I handled that like a boss. let’s get on with it. We have finally arrived at an unapologetic male character in the tarot, which took us five cards into the Major Arcanum. So, without writing a paper on the patriarchy let’s dig into my nuanced view of the archetypical father, ruler and ultimately god.

Let’s get the gender issue over with straight away. Like the empress, if in your life the archetypical father is not a man, no big deal, then that person can be represented. The Emperor is at its most basic a person who wields a lot of formal power in your life. Simple as that. My boss for example – which is a very typical interpretation of the Emperor card – is a woman and she has a lot of power over many aspects of my life. If it wouldn’t be for the large amounts of confidence I have in her, it would be scary how much power she has.

> Renaissance Tarot Emperor: secret 4 legshake and birds.

Symbolism

The fact that the emperor’s card is numbered 4 is no coincidence, not only is the four figure the symbol of both the planet and god Jupiter, is also the number most strongly associated with stability (think legs of tables or chairs, limbs of mammals, the four corners of the world, a house has four walls, a year has four seasons, but let’s not get too numerological, shall we?). Some cards represent the emperor with one leg crossed, mimicking the number four, like in the Secret Tarot. There will be some birds, representing the sky gods of many cultures meaning power, royalty, strength and good fortune (think Roman, Russian or German emperors that all have bird symbols). Also: crowns, scepter, suits of armour (the protective side of masculinity), thrones and whatnot. Also horns, horns represent penises.

Sometimes mountains are depicted which might be a bit confusing for some muggles. This can only be understood by understanding the emperor as opposed to and in harmony with the empress. Where the empress has wheat for fertility and growth, the emperor has mountains for infertility and stability. Growth is very nice but one needs a certain doses of stability in life. Fertility and reproducing are all fun and games but someone needs to protect all that growth. I think it’s a nice metaphor for masculinity: (temporary) power without fertility, defending what the empress creates and takes care of.

> The Rider-Waite Emperor: mountains, penises, I mean horns and good old fashioned bearded ruler.

I admit not only lack of time withheld me from writing about the emperor. As a deeply masculine card I - as a man who only reluctantly and not that often identifies as a man but can’t really pinpoint what to identify as, or indeed if I need to identify at all - I do not feel qualified to write about the man. But as is often the case: I couldn’t be more wrong. Due to my struggle with, contemplation, participation and perception of and some distance to masculinity I am perfectly placed to write about it.

Upright meaning

I absolutely believe that masculinity needs a new, positive, inclusive definition that inspires people (not just men) to do good. One such view that heavily influenced me was nurturance culture.

A genderless world where no good (or bad) personality trait is gendered, is not anywhere in the cards (see what I did there?). So how do we as a society give a positive and inspiring content to the idea of masculinity? One of the possible answers are the 4 positive characteristics of the emperor: protection, practicality, authority and structure.

Sure, I’ll argue against all four of them when talking about other cards, but the tarot is about exploring all sides of the human condition and these 4 have value as well and are all four historically associated with masculinity. Is masculinity in a crisis? Yes, it most certainly is; it has been reduced to a destructive cliché where it used to be kaleidoscopic concept. Not by feminists, but by men themselves. We have not emancipated ourselves. In stead of evolving like women did the last century, we have retreated into an ever more meager concept of masculinity. This is my attempt to reconstruct the notion of inclusive manliness.

Pillar 1: protection

You gotta fight, for your right, to party. - The Beastie Boys

Know that feeling when you broke down, when you are at your most vulnerable and you find comfort and protection in someone’s arms? I could be talking about a man who protects you late at night in some shady alley from a knife-gang but honestly: how many times are we in need of that? And how much have we needed someone to just be around us, silently but firmly comforting us. Protection and defense imply some potential for destruction but that does not need to be a bad thing if the thing that is being destroyed is a bad thing. Be protective.

Pillar 2: practicality

Yes, I am talking about being able to handle power tools, finish an Ikea closet in 15 minutes and fixing your bike. Cliché much? Yes, but it’s a decent and good quality. While the empress listens to how you had a bike accident and fixes that bleeding knee, the emperor is silently repairing your bike in the shed without you knowing and what after the whole debacle and you find out, makes you smile again. Silent, humble work. Thinking of the small things, the pro’s and con’s and getting on with it. This is where the repressed emotions come into play. Not necessarily a bad thing if not taken too far. There is nothing wrong with temporarily repressing emotions to get shit done as long as you deal with them later on. Sometimes the trash just needs to be taken outside, a meal cooked, a kitchen cleaned or a day at the office endured. Postpone emotions, don’t bottle them up. Be practical.

> left: emperor by kindanddemon > right: emperor by skullsquid

Pillar 3: authority

Both having it/using it as well as dealing with it. Yes, I would also like to live on an island in a sea of mutual respect where there is no need for authority but let’s just wake up shall we? Authority is a thing and we need to deal with it. Easiest way is being an authority yourself. And I mean that in a good way. Standing for something, believing in something, without dogma or rigidness but open and evolving. You could also call it privilege, there’s a lot of it out there and like a sword it should be used and wielded for good, to shield (another symbol you will often find on the card) those who do not have it. Privilege is a real thing, you can’t get rid of it (by yourself or in a short amount of time) but you can use it for good. The emperor tells us to use our gifts (remember the magician?) for good, to be ambitious, not at the cost of others but to the benefit of all. Deserve respect.

Pillar 4: structure

The stability in number 4 is also associated with structure, systems, procedures and ultimately rules and laws. They exist for a reason and should be there for the good of all. The empress negotiates and compromises, the emperor confirms this by making rules that sustain this peace. I honestly believe everyone can use some structure, some system, some good habits, some good routines, rules you live by. Maybe not 100% of the time, no one asks you to be perfect, no one asks the rules to be perfect. Even the apparent chaos of nature obeys the laws of physics. Constructing order from chaos has its benefits. Yes chaos nurtures – in an empress kind of way – the new and creative, order protects what is fragile and needs to be maintained. Construct systems that benefit you.

> The Wild Unknown Emperor: The emperor depicted as a large tree overlooking the forest, growing by the bright light of the midday sun, deeply and firmly rooted in the soil.

The emperor can be anyone or anything that radiates the qualities above, not just a person (your father, husband, boss or landlord) but also an institution: government agencies, large corporations, the army etc.

Reverse meaning

"Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about God?" - Tyler Durden in Fight Club

When the emperor appears reversed in your reading you are hugely and utterly fucked. At its base meaning this card represents power and now that immense power is turned against you in one of three ways:

Opposite: the opposite of manliness is not femininity, get that in your head as soon as possible. The opposite of power is powerlessness, not receiving the responsibility you need; the opposite of protection is getting hurt. The opposite of practicality is inertness, laziness, meddling without achieving, not really trying, not having the required skill without anyone around to help you. The opposite of authority is slavery, submission, believing yourself to be weaker than you are. The opposite of a stable structure that perpetuates good is destructive chaos, not knowing where to start, being confused, having to start over and over again because nothing is fundamentally anchored.

cock-blocked: The emperor is blocked somehow. You are unable to assert yourself, maybe lost in a maze of regulations, rules and procedures. You are maybe protecting the wrong things or people. You might think you are practical but got something wrong (it’s mostly not the Ikea manual that is wrong or the piece that is faulty, it is most certainly, you).

Taken too far: This is the domain of toxic masculinity. Yes this is a thing, I suffer from it every day. Masculinity is a prison. This kind is anyway. Defense becomes unwarranted offence, violence, abuse of physical strength, this is the bully knocking you a bleeding nose and your father raping you. This is thinking you can fix everything, that everything is logical and practical and being blind to the emotional, spiritual or natural things in life. This is abuse of authority, corruption, back chamber politics, chauvinism. It is structural sexism, racism and a system that only exists to benefit itself not the people in it. And it is all turned against you.

One card spread – meditation on the emperor:

"Life seems so much simpler when you're fixing things." - Anakin skywalker in Attack of the Clones

The Emperor is the first break we get in a way. In a very – too – short version of our path up until now the fool asks us to unapologetically be ourselves, the magician asks us to be able, the high priestess begs us to be knowledgeable. The emperor asks us to consolidate that into a system, a structure so what we have achieved so far can be defended. It’s about creating habits that benefit you, assert yourself as you are, yourself, able and knowledgeable without shame or hesitation. Use your abilities as a weapon against injustice. But we’re turning too abstract, I know. Let’s be more practical. Answer all the following questions and jot down one action per question that you can do in the next four days:

Ask yourself what is going well in your life and how you can anchor that in your life. How can you make it last?

Who or what in your immediate environment needs protection (or comfort, or help) and how can you provide that? Does something need fighting and which weapon in your arsenal is best suited?

When were you last intimidated by authority? What characteristic was intimidating? Do you possess that characteristic? Imagine yourself unintimidated in that same situation. What is needed to get you there?

Do you own something that is broken? Try to fix it. (Just like there is an inherent value to growing things crf. the empress, fixing things is itself a healing action).

TLDR: Upright meaning: power, protection, practicality, authority, order Reverse meaning: powerlessness, impotence, confusion, chaos, abuse of power

#a muggle guide to tarot #tarot #tarot readings #the emperor #emperor #007 #major arcana #the emperor reversed #emperor reversed #cartomancy

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holden-norgorov · 7 years ago

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Goodbye, Sense8.

I’m writing this post just to communicate to all of my followers that I’m permanently leaving the Sense8 fandom. I’m still grieving for the ending that ruined the whole show, but in these months I’ve been able to slowly process and rationalize things and now I’m finally ready to completely move on and leave everything behind.

This has been a very difficult decision to make but at the same time a needed reaction to the utter uglification the entire fandom suffered from since the finale was released. Sense8 was a giant part of my life and a huge influence in my last three years. It shaped my way of dealing with many things, it physically represented on screen both a marvelous plot with complex, diverse characters and a well-wrapped up set of all the values I based my life and my views upon. It was almost a religion to me, representative of all the kind of messages and morality I always followed in my daily life. It was a source of happiness, hope and emotions while being an ambitious, carefully-written and developed piece of art. It had everything I’ve ever wanted in a tv product, and it changed my perspective on many subjects (Kalagang in particular was the first and unique thing that made me truly believe in love and intimately question myself).

This is why it was utterly heartbreaking witnessing Lana betray her own characters during the finale. She turned the show in a cheesy, trash fairy-tale and severely weakened (in many cases, ruined) entire characters. She went against a lot of messages of the previous seasons, she nullified entire arcs and left totally untouched many others. She ended the show with a toxic resolution and with a lot of extremely wrong and questionable choices. There was sexism, there was racism, there was a utter disrespect towards a lot of main characters’ journeys, a severe erasure of diversity and an unhealthy, discriminating hyper-sexualization. The characters I had grown up to love and support for three years were almost all unrecognizable. There were seriously terrible issues regarding the coherence of the whole universe (something I value a lot in a product, and something Sense8 had always excelled in for 23 episodes), regarding the way time was handled, the continuity in many storylines and the characters’ behavior. There was a sickening amount of bad writing and fanservice garbage. There was an intentional choice from the writers to turn their back to what was previously established and cheapen the whole credibility of the narrative.

I blame Lana and the writers for everything that happened in this episode. I only blame Netflix for letting this episode be the last time we could experience Sense8. Netflix denied a platform for the show to continue but granted an ending to it (an unprecedented opportunity); Lana destroyed everything about the show exploiting that one-in-a-million chance she got. I trusted her, as we all did. I fought for an entire year for this conclusion to come to life. The finale itself was made possible just because of us, of our fight: it exists only thanks to the patience and the love of the fans. Lana was disrespectful both towards our efforts and her characters. I’m moving on, but I’m not forgiving her, and I’ll never forget what she did.

The most painful thing to face, though, was the fandom’s blind reaction to the episode. Not only Lana ruined the show; she also destroyed its fanbase. She instantly murdered the Kalagang’s one by herself (which was the most consistent side) and by making unreasonable choices she turned the whole fandom apart. I’ve honestly never witnessed so much stupidity and close-mindedness in my entire life. And we are talking about a show that always bragged about being progressive, global and empathetic. Clearly a lot of people here only cared about their own representation (how empathetic) and didn’t give a damn about the true messages of acceptance and togetherness. There was an enormous, shocking amount of disrespect towards entire minorities and a blind, brainless glorification of regressive resolutions. There were stupid jokes upon objectively problematic solutions, and a shamefully childish response to an equally childish episode.

Lana enormously fucked up, and the fandom did as well. And I’m honestly glad it’s dying so quickly (at least, here on Tumblr it seems to be). What many people failed to consider is that this ending actually hurt a huge side of the fandom, and with completely valid reasons. We were deceived for three years and betrayed in the end. We were led to believe in the show and follow the writing and care for the characters, only for everything to be overturned and destroyed in the very last episode. It was a lot to take and swallow, but I think I’m finally ready to put everything behind me.

So, from now on, this blog will turn into a multifandom one; there will still be, every now and then, some Sense8 material (especially Kalagang’s, because I love them too much and I think about them every single day), but it will cover a lot less space and will be joined by a lot of other stuff.

Sooner or later this was supposed to happen, but I’m sad and heartbroken that it had to in this way and by these terms.

#sense8 #multifandom #blog changes #message for the followers #some thoughts about the last months experience #kalagang is still my true love tho #and it will always be in my dashboard #but i need to move on from all of this #lana and this fandom ruined this entire year for me #i can't believe i'm saying this #but i actually wish netflix never granted lana the opportunity of making the finale #i actually wish this never happened

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looselucy · 8 years ago

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Reborn

109 “Shit shit shit bastard fuck.” I’d woken early, which wasn’t something my body often allowed me to do, but that day I did it with no qualms at all. It had taken me around ten minutes of routing through cupboards to find some bandages, quickly wrapping my wrist up. I’d never seen my own skin in such a bad state. The purple was so dark it was almost black, patterned by red droplets of blood that had crept their way to the surface, and yellow bruises that were so bright they were almost luminous. Beneath all of that, was a burnt red colour that almost seemed to highlight the rest of the new colours upon my arm. So I’d wrapped it up, ignoring the pain and just covering it.

I was frantically searching through my bag in the hope of finding something long sleeved for me to wear so that Harry wouldn’t see the bandages, and it wasn’t looking too promising. I eventually found a jumper buried deep at the bottom, breathing out a huge sigh of relief and then putting it on as quickly as I could over the top of my summer dress, before rushing back upstairs, because I knew he was bound to wake pretty soon and I didn’t want him to be alone. He was completely sprawled out on the bed when I got back into his room, his hair all over the place, his lips puffy. With the bandages still in hand, I went and sat at the bottom of his bed, down beside his feet. The sun was bursting through his curtains, welcoming what looked to be a warm day. I managed to smile, for some reason feeling quite happy. The day before had gone wrong in almost every single way, but I welcomed this new day as though it was a second opportunity to put things right. Soon, Harry began to stir, rolling around a few times before his eyes began to open, and he spotted me. “Sit up.” I told him after shooting him a soft smile. He did as he was told, shuffling a little closer to me and sitting upright, ruffling his hair to give it some organisation as I stretched out a roll of the bandage, and gently began to wrap is around his stomach. I could tell he was watching me as wove it around his body, lifting his arms to make my job easier without me having even to request it. I concentrated on lightly protecting the area he had harmed the night before, ignoring the burn of his gaze as I finished my work, his abs still seeming tight against the fabric. “You’re wearing a dress!” He noted as I finished. “I am.” I smiled, finally looking up to him. “What’s the occasion?” “Happy Birthday.” I simply replied. “Oh shit.” His eyes went wide. “I forgot about my own birthday.” “I thought you might have.” I giggled. “Hectic day yesterday.” “I guess so.” He rubbed over his tired eyes briefly, letting out a small yawn, his shoulders seeming to droop at the memory of how awfully things had gone the day before. “This is your second chance.” I whispered. “You got all those awful feelings out yesterday, and today you can really just… sit down with them and talk things through.” “I know, and I wanna do that but… I feel really guilty. I never wanted to shout at them like that. I really don’t know… what I’m gunna say to them. I don’t wanna shout again. I don’t even know how to approach them.” I nodded, letting my mind run back to one of the many facts that Harry had given me about his life, that might have felt mundane at the time, but suddenly it felt perfect. “You remember how every year on your birthday, you used to go and pick flowers with your dad? Before he got cancer?” Harry nodded in response. “We should go. We should go and pick some, before they wake up. It’ll be like… a peace offering. It’ll mean a lot to them, and… I think it’ll mean a lot to you too, right? I know you miss it.” “I do miss it.” He trembled. “Then we should go.” I spoke as softly as I could. “We’ll pick flowers and bring them back for your mum and dad.” “I’d love to do that.” He smiled. “It’s been years since I last went. That’d mean so much to both of them.” “And to you.” “And to me.” He agreed. I bit at my bottom lip, trying to hold back my smile as we gazed at one another, and I saw the sweet look of innocence crafted upon his delicate features, something it felt had been lacking over the past few weeks. Butterflies reintroduced themselves to my stomach. 110 Snow had bathed beauty upon those fields when I had walked their width in December, and although the sight had been wonderful then, I had craved to see what those meadows would look like with the sun beating down on them. It was as beautiful as I’d hoped. Harry, once again, bounced over the tall stone wall with ease as I took a moment to look around the area, breathing in the fresh odour and the light breeze. In the near distance, I could see a tall tree, standing proud and lonely, a few of its branches broken, birds building their home between a sea of green. Once Harry was on the other side, he turned to look at me with an overbearing smile. It was joyous to see him like that, like he was a young boy once again, totally blind to his own terrors and lapping up the happy memories that he had made in those fields. Nothing else mattered to him then, other than picking the perfect flowers to take home to his parents. It was so wonderfully pure. “Do you need help getting over the wall?” He beamed. “Fuck no! I did it on my own last time, I can do it again.” “I do recall a slight bit of struggling.” “But that was only because I sat on the wall and the snow almost froze my arse off. I won’t have that problem this time.” “Alright, well hurry up then. C’mon.” I stuck my middle finger up at him, which was thankfully met with a giggle as I wedged my foot between the stones, swinging one leg over before plonking myself down on the wall, the first part of the obstacle being managed with nothing but grace. “I’m doing well.” I turned to him, shrugging confidently. “You’re practically a rock climber.” “I was thinking the same thing.” “Alright, the final hurdle.” He placed his hands on his hips. “Try not to fall flat on your face.” “I try not to do that all the time. You don’t need to tell me to try and avoid that. Like… I’m always trying to avoid that.” “Alright, sarcy.” He sniggered. I’d allowed myself to forget the way me and Harry could bounce off one another. I’d put those interactions into the back of my mind in the hope of somehow forgetting that the two of us, in so many ways, were stunningly compatible. It had been that way from the very start, when we’d gone for drinks with some of the people from our group therapy; we’d sectioned ourselves off almost instantly and discovered that there was a bond between us that meant we could flow with ease. I guess I hadn’t really thought about the fact that that was something that would stick around, even if we weren’t together like we had been before. It wasn’t something we’d forced, or created after months of knowing each other. It was something that had existed in us immediately. With one deep inhale, I practically flew off the wall to join him on the right side, stumbling a little bit but managing not to fall onto my face. Harry was still stood with his hands on his hips by the time I whipped upright. “Nailed it.” I exhaled. He shook his head, biting back a smile, before pointing down the wall we’d just clambered over. He'd told me the last time we were there that flowers grew along the stone, but I hadn’t quite expected them to be as vibrant and varied as they were. The colours were explosive, a gorgeous rainbow that patterned the image perfectly, and all I could picture was a young Harry and his dad happily skipping down the line of colours and picking a few from each bunch. It was no wonder he’d loved that tradition so much before it withered away. It was such a nice thought. “Can you see the lavender?” He grinned as I moved to stand by his side, watching him point out the area he’d taken us to in December, knowing their design like the back of his hand. “Still there!” “This is so amazing.” I cooed. “I love it here. It’s my favourite place in the world.” “Well, thank you for sharing it with me.” I smiled up to him. “Twice!” His cheeks went a little red, matching the tip of his nose as he took a deep breath in, and then approached the flowers, kneeling down in front of the first lot and picking out a few, careful with his actions. I joined him swiftly. We spent a while in silence, picking out different flowers, as close to the roots as we could get, and I could tell it was significant, the fact I was being allowed to become a part of his memories within those fields. It had been different the last time we were there. It wasn’t what he’d done throughout his childhood, it wasn’t on his birthday. It had been years since he’d done this, and we were starting up the tradition again, and I got to be there for it. It felt truly special. We didn’t need to talk to enhance the moment. We gathered quite the collection after around ten minutes of choosing the perfect ones, and we gathered them down on the floor together, knelt side by side with our shoulders bashing together, trying to organise the colours a little. I turned with a big smile to look at him, and noticed that his mood seemed to have dropped considerably. “Hey,” I nudged him. “You alright?” “I dunno if I’m ready to go back yet.” He swallowed. “M’nervous.” “We can stall a little bit.” I shrugged. “There’s no rush. Take your time.” He lifted back up to his feet, and I kept my eyes on him the whole time, watching as he tried to control his breathing before turning on his heel, and heading towards the centre of the field. I knew he wanted to get onto good terms with his parents, to fix all that had been broken, or at least begin the healing process, but that was because he loved his parents and hated the hurt that this situation had pushed upon him. On all of them, really. Yet that didn’t automatically mean that all was forgiven. It didn’t mean that the way they’d treated him since the day he was born wasn’t utterly toxic. He’d gone through years of pain because of their poor judgement, and their inability to face the truth, so as much as he desperately wanted things to be okay, it wasn’t as easy as him just deciding to feel okay about it. The way his mind worked around the scenario was out of his control. I kept my eyes on him as he walked, the tips of his fingers managing to stroke across some of the tall stems that had been growing for months, and then he came to an abrupt standstill, looking off into the distance. That was when I moved, slowly approaching him. Pollen was visible in the clear air, the sun illuminating their gentle movements through the atmosphere, and everything felt golden, just for a short while. I stopped by his side, silent as he stared forward. “I used to climb that tree.” He mumbled, almost like he was speaking more to himself than he was to me. “One of the branches once snapped though, then I never did it again. I was… too scared of getting hurt.” “I bet the view’s amazing.” “Yeah.” He sighed. “Probably worth the pain. Guess I’ll never know.” “You should climb it again one day. Get right to the top.” He dropped his head, gripping his eyes shut and taking a sharp intake of breath through his nose, and for a brief moment it was like I could see every iota of pain he’d gathered over the past few weeks layering across his skin and burying itself in the creases beside his eyes. Without a word, he lowered himself to the ground, flattening a small percentage of the tall grass, facing towards the sky and closing his eyes as he buried himself in the nature around him. It soothed him quickly. Harry belonged amongst the natural beauty that the world had to offer, he was so at home when surrounded by flowers and greenery. As he lay there, it was like he was growing roots and connecting with the ground beneath him, the world welcoming him back into its arms as though it had missed him, the wind seeming to soften and the sun shining a little brighter. The world belonged to him, and he belonged to it. Almost instinctively, I joined him, laying by his side and looking up towards the clear blue skies. I didn’t connect quite like he did. We were quiet for some time, and I was almost sure we were getting a little closer to one another even though I couldn’t recall either of us moving. “I’m scared I’m gunna… yell again, and ruin everything.” He mumbled. “I don’t think you will.” I tilted my head to the side. “I think… I think you got it all out yesterday. I don’t think you’d be out here picking flowers if you were still feeling that way.” “But I’m… worried about what they’re gunna say. I’m worried about what I’m gunna learn and… maybe it’ll start okay but then I’ll… just hear them say something that makes me snap again.” I whipped around quickly, so I was laying on my stomach, propping the top half of my body slightly upright and shooting him an almost stern look. “This is why I’m here, Harry.” I spoke. “I’m here to help you through this. I’m here to make this easier for you, and I think yesterday I just made things worse.” “No, Ren-” “I did! But, you’ve just gotta remember that I’m on your side. I just wanna make things easier for you. That’s why I’m here, right? You’re not alone.” Once again, he tried hide his grin as he lifted his arms and pulled me even closer, practically forcing me to snuggle into his side. It felt so natural, even when he kissed the very top of my head. I lay back down, my hand upon his chest, pretty much as close as we could be. “Thank you.” He whispered. “Think I owe you.” I didn’t mean to, but by saying that I introduced an almost awkward silence. It hurt to acknowledge that I’d ever caused pain to the boy whose heart I could feel beating beneath the palm of my hand. It hurt even more when I thought about the fact that it was merely the beginning of an onslaught of agony for him. I did owe him something, as much as I was convinced that I’d done the right thing, it didn’t make me blind to the fact that Harry wasn’t viewing the scenario in the same way I was. It had only been a fortnight since I left his home with barely any explanation to why I was leaving him, but so much had happened since. It was strange, because in a lot of ways, the pain was still fresh, but in more ways, it wasn’t the priority. I don’t even think we’d really even given it too much thought. Until I said that. I nuzzled a little closer to him, wishing I could find the right thing to say, or even to say anything to move us along, but it had never been my forte. However, Harry managed to salvage the situation once again. “Ren?” “Mm?” I mumbled, closing my eyes. “Y’know we’re doing this whole… fake relationship thing again?” “Yeah?” “Where do you stand on the practicing kissing again?” I burst out laughing, lifting my head a little so I could look up to him, seeing the proud little grin on his face, his stomach beginning to bounce as he laughed with me. It blew my mind, how despite everything, it was Harry injecting some humour into the situation. He really was the most spectacular human being. We laughed together, sprawled out on the grass, and it was always better when we looked at the situation for what it was and acknowledged how ridiculous it all was. It made it so much easier. It was so good to be laughing with him again. 111 Harry was shaking so much I thought he might pass out, until I weaved my fingers between his, and then suddenly he had something else to focus on, squeezing my hand tightly, hoping it would help him through the conversation that was about to take place. His mother and father were sat across from us on the dining table, his mother already in tears even though nothing had been said. I wasn’t sure she’d stopped crying, really, but when Harry reappeared with an arrangement of flowers in hand, she completely broke. Adam was holding her hand in a similar way to how I was holding Harry’s, trying to create a flow of strength and composure that travelled from one body to the next. I think we’d been sat there in silence for around five minutes before Adam managed to speak. “Thank you for the flowers. That… It really means a lot to us.” Harry’s grip tightened, nodding a little and biting his bottom lip, tears beginning to burden his eyes. I was surprised to hear him speak. “I wanna know about him.” He shuddered. “I wanna know about my brother. I wanna know what happened.” Janine couldn’t talk. Adam had turned his head to her for a split second only to be met with a hysterical headshake, and he knew he would have to be the one who spoke on their behalf. She still couldn’t manage it. It was horrible to see, really. Suddenly it was hard to think of the pain she’d put Harry through, and much easier to think of the pain she had experienced herself. I think Harry even felt the same way, even if it was just for a few seconds. “Apparently… he’d been dead for around two weeks before your mother went into labour.” He began, his emotions showing within the swell of his throat. “Sometimes these things just happen. Especially… because… there had been a couple of miscarriages and… we struggled for a long time. We were told we couldn’t have children! Before you and Daniel… We gave up. Even with… the few times it had happened for us, we’d only really hit around the three-month mark before we lost them. So, I think… when we got past that point, we both thought we’d be okay. We… We stopped worrying so much, didn’t we?” He'd managed to pull a timid nod from her, her eyes fixed on the table as Harry used his free hand to wipe away some tears, really wanting to remain as collected as physically possible. He wanted all the answers he could get. “When we found out we’d been blessed with twins… we felt like the luckiest people. I think… it was probably around six months before we allowed ourselves to feel excited… but once we got past that stage it was… It was the most amazing-” He lost himself, holding his free hand over his eyes and gripping his teeth as he released an exasperated sob, and I found myself thinking of how this was bound to be just as hard for them as it was for Harry. It was clear that the two of them had never really allowed themselves to process what had happened. They’d never dealt with it. It wasn’t even that they’d made this conscious decision not to tell Harry, but more that they’d gone into this dark place of denial, where the trauma they had experienced didn’t exist. I think Adam had tried to battle the truth a few times, but Janine had completely shot him down and shut him out. It wasn’t just Harry’s first time hearing all this, but it was the first time it had ever been voiced at all, that much was clear. “We were told just before your mother went into labour that… that Daniel had passed away. And that… she would still have to give birth to him. Um… We… We were very worried about you, Harry. I think before we had chance to process what they’d told us, we just wanted to make sure that you were okay. We needed to make sure that… that we didn’t lose you too.” There was so much concealed suffering within the room that I almost felt as though I could choke on it as it was released into the air, the matter thick, jamming down my throat. I gripped Harry’s hand even tighter, aware that if I was struggling with the conversation, then he was bound to be feeling so much worse. I wanted to be holding his hand for him, but I knew that it was helping to make me feel better too. His dad didn’t know how to continue, what he should say next, because I think this was the point where things became hazy. This was the point where denial had hit, their memories beginning to scatter and blur. “We… I don’t… I don’t know what happened after that.” He confirmed my thoughts, Janine sobbing a little harder. “We never really spoke about it. It wasn’t… a vindictive decision not to tell you, but we just… we never dealt with it in ourselves and this is something we haven’t let ourselves accept, until now.” Harry nodded, his chest swelling as he acknowledged what they’d told him with more ease than I had been expecting. I think he had made his peace with that aspect of the story. He’d always known that the two of them had been told they couldn’t have children, and his golden heart could accept the struggle they’d faced. It was the latter part of their denial that hurt him the most. “Okay.” He swallowed. “But… When my dreams started… I don’t get what stopped you from telling me. I don’t understand. I don’t… I don’t even understand why they started when they did.” “It’s my fault.” Janine finally spoke up. “Your father approached my about it more than once, and I’m sorry. If you’re going to place blame on anyone it has to be me.” “I’m not trying to place blame anywhere, mum. I’m trying to understand!” “We’d gone twenty years without acknowledging it, and I still couldn’t accept that it would have anything to do with your dreams. We didn’t think you knew, so it didn’t… It didn’t make sense to me that your dreams would be linked with your brother.” “Then… how did I… How did I know?” There was desperation in Harry’s tone. Janine turned to Adam, who was gathering himself as though he’d been silently building up the courage and capability to say what he was about to say. Harry’s brows lowered, and I could already feel a sense of relief radiating from him, before he’d even heard. This was one of his biggest questions, and it was about to be answered. He’d questioned for so long what it was that had triggered the dreams, and then even when he learnt of his brother it then became a question of why they started when they did. I think he’d probably always had some subconscious understanding, the thing that explained his fear of being lonely, maybe feeling his brothers lack of presence throughout his life, but the dreams didn’t begin for years and he needed to know why. He needed to understand them as much as he could, and maybe then, they would stop. “I was trying to… cope with what happened.” His father began nervously. “When you left home to go to university… I think it all hit me then. Not having you around was… almost like a reminder of what had happened and… That sense of loss. I used to… go into your room when you weren’t there and I’d talk. I’d talk like you were listening. I think maybe I was trying to get rid of some of the guilt I felt, but it wasn’t working. One weekend… you came home to see us and… whilst you were sleeping I tried again. I spoke about everything whilst you slept. It was only a few months later that you told us about the dreams and… at first I didn’t make the link, but…” I turned to look up at Harry, really expecting this to be the moment he flipped and started yelling at them again, but seeing him I realised that wasn’t going to happen. He wasn’t angry, not even close. He seemed to be accepting it. “You should have told me.” He mumbled, looking down to the table, his voice completely lifeless. “We’re so sorry.” His mother wept. “We’ll never be able to explain how sorry we are, Harry.” “None of this justifies what we did,” Adam spoke eagerly. “And what we’ve put you through, but-” “No.” Harry cut them short, the two of them staring across to him, nervously awaiting what he was going to say. “You can’t keep apologising forever. It’s done, isn’t it? I don’t want you to keep saying you’re sorry. I-I wanna move on. I love you both so much and… I’ll never understand what you went through and how hard it must have been. But… you need to start fixing this, and admitting what happened. I think you need to speak to someone. This has fucked all of us up, it’s just in different ways. I’m already getting help and I think you both need the same thing. We can all start dealing with it properly now that we all know everything there is to know.” Of all the things that had been shared around that dining table, it was then that I started crying. Harry had managed to place himself into a position of understanding, where he could almost remove himself and his own emotions, and understand that what they’d battled was awful. Despite the years of anguish it had brought, and the fact they had hidden the truth from him his entire life, he could sympathise and empathise with both of them. I think I started crying because I realised I really did love him. I loved him so much and I wished more than anything that I was the type of the person that he deserved. But I wasn’t sure such a person existed. His mum managed to nod before she burst out crying and hid her face again, maybe wondering how they’d managed to raise such a wonderful man, someone who had remained wonderful despite the many things that could have forced him to be everything but. “You’re right.” Adam choked. “You’re right, and we will. I promise.” “Okay.” Harry nodded. “I’m, uh… I can’t speak about this anymore it’s exhausting, but I just have one more question. I think.” “Okay?” “Why did you tell me?” He inquired. “You went… so many years lying to me. What changed?” “I don’t know.” He admitted. “I think I just realised that, we’d already lost one child, and I didn’t want to lose you too. I want the best for you. I want you to be happy and healthy and live a very fulfilled life. You couldn’t do that before, I realised. But I hope you can now.” It was as simple as that. No grand reasoning, just a small moment of realisation that they’d been blessed with the life of one beautiful son, and he deserved the very best life available to him. It seemed, in some way, both myself and his father had the same realisation at almost exactly the same time. He deserved the best. “I hope so too.” Harry sighed, more tears forming in his eyes. 112 You would think that after so many nights by his side, I would have become accustom to the sound of Harry screaming. You would think that it wouldn’t send that fear trembling through my heart. You would think that I would have learnt to handle it, and that I wouldn’t cry and weaken every single time I awoke to the terrifying sounds of his despair. But every time was like the first. “HARRY, PLEASE WAKE UP!” He hadn’t spoken with his parents since he’d glumly walked away from the dining table, nothing left to ask, nothing left to say. His mother had thanked me for being there for him through such a difficult time, and I’d just nodded whilst holding in tears, still feeling badly about lying to them, just like I had in December. I’d gone to try and comfort him, but he asked to be alone, and I granted his solitude without a question or query. Although he’d been understanding and handled everything perfectly, I couldn’t imagine the strain that the conversation had caused him. By the time I’d gone back upstairs, he was asleep, so I joined him. Then before I knew it, stage one of his sleep was coming to an end, in the horrific way that it always did. “OPEN YOUR EYES! COME ON!” Every time his body flinched, I found that mine flinched too, almost mirroring his movements. For the first time, I was scared. The night before when he’d hurt me, I hadn’t been expecting it. I didn’t have time to be scared. But now I was experiencing it again, I found myself terrified that he’d grip onto me once more, like he was trying to break my bones as a way of expelling his terror. I held his wrists down in the hope that I would be strong enough to keep him from harming me again, and praying that I could stir him before things got too bad. I pressed my forehead harshly against his, his scream cold as it fractured upon my skin, sweat dripping down his neck. I tried screaming his name one last time, but no matter how loudly I called to him, nothing seemed to be working. I cursed furiously, trying to switch gears and change my approach. Even after he’d spoken things through with his parents, I didn’t allow myself to be lulled into the idea that they would stop instantly. There had been so many times that I’d gotten my hopes up and thought they were coming to an end, and they hadn’t. I couldn’t put myself through that again, because it was like feeling the same heartbreak over again, with twice as much sting. I took a few deep breaths in, before I whispered. “I’m waiting for you, Harry, please. I’m here to hold you and take all this pain away. I will help to take this pain away so please, please wake up for me. I need you safe. I need you with me. Please. Please.” Like magic, I felt his frame beginning to soothe, his trembles flattening and his body swiftly becoming still. I was breathless, a smile just about blessing my lips at the realisation that he was finally waking. “Harry, I’m here. Wake up for me, please.” His lashes flickered briefly before his eyes slowly opened. As they did, he took a large inhale, taking in as much air from this world as he could, almost like it tasted different on the tip of his tongue, like the air was fresh and thin and helped to confirm his state. I kept my forehead against his as he settled, stroking his fingers through my hair, his throat hitching. “Kiss me.” He whispered, eyes fixed against mine, begging for my lips before I’d even been able to tell he was fully conscious. “Harry-” “Kiss me, Ren.” “That’s not going to make you feel better.” “I just want to feel something.” “I know.” I shivered. “But I don’t want to make this worse.” “I love you.” “Harry-” “I don’t want you to say it back, I just want you to know. I just want… I wanted to say it.” “I… Okay.” He nodded, and I think the day had just been so emotionally extensive that this was just another thing that he’d wanted to get off his chest, like he needed to share it all and release it then. And I knew we’d both felt it that day. I didn’t know if it was down to the support I’d shown or because we’d picked flowers together that morning, but it had become increasingly difficult to think about our breakup, and easier to focus in on what we meant to one another. “I’m sorry.” He whispered. “That’s okay. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.” I slowly began to move back to my side of the bed, laying so that I was looking up towards the ceiling like he was, there being only a small distance between us as we settled again. “Thank you for being here for me.” He mumbled after a while. “Sorry for… the kiss thing.” I released a quiet and breathy giggle, turning my head to see that although it was small, he was smiling, just a little. “You’re too nice for your own good, y’know?” I cooed. “Fuck. I know.” He smiled again, reaching his hand to the centre of the bed in the hope of intertwining our fingers, and my heart stopped beating when I realised his search would eventually leave his fingers crawling across the bandage on my wrist. I readjusted my hand with speed, trying not to show any signs of panic, but knowing I’d only just managed to get away with it. He didn’t feel a thing. The sleep I had after that was one of the best I’d hand in months. Everything was out in the open, and although he’d seemed so sad that day, I knew it had worked wonders for Harry too. For the first time since I’d met him, there was this unspoken calm that hadn’t existed in him. Really, it hadn’t been there for four long years. That night, it returned, presenting a new existence where he had more answers than he did questions. In that very moment, just seconds before he fell back to sleep, that new existence eclipsed him entirely. He had been reborn.

#I DID IT #1dff #Harry Styles #TFA #TFA41 #I'm excited to hear from you all #eeeeeep

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niftybiscuit · 8 years ago

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my TLJ thoughts + the r*ylo debacle

read at own risk, not spoiler-free

i watched it twice by now. my initial thoughts, however:

the lows were low. very low. a lot of the luke scenes felt out of place, the enchantment i felt at the end of TFA just was not present in these scenes. these scenes and the longer-than-necessary canto bight scenes really took me out of my element. the prolonged ship escape also dragged on for longer than i would have liked. i had felt like not a lot was happening, up until the final act on the mineral planet, which was the only part that felt like a true continuation of the new trilogy to me

the cinematography, the writing, snoke, kylo, rey, poe and my near and dear carrie were really good. like, as a whole, i really liked the movie. i enjoyed it and i had such a good time watching. the hux and poe shtick at the beginning was probably one of my favorite parts, only bc i like that kind of humor (and i’m glad that hux was comedic relief, bc he works super well that way)

but in the end, i feel like i resonated a lot more with TFA than TLJ and that’s my final thoughts on the movie

but now

let’s talk about reylo

and how i think this movie is legit the best “FUCK YOU” to reylos

so. let’s get into kylo first, since he was my favorite part of this film and, well, he’s also the main reason why reylo is fucking terrible.

to me, i felt kylo had some part in a redemption at some point -- but TLJ proves that he is legitimately beyond any form of redemption. the acts that led up to TLJ’s ending really solidified that he is on a self-destructive rampage that really is far beyond the bounds of saving. and i like that about this portrayal; adam did such a phenomenal job at actually making me hate kylo ren, and i love him??? it’s weird but it’s a good weird!

everything he did, especially to rey, was all for his benefit. to make him feel like he had purpose beyond himself. but he didn’t realize this until it was too late; that he’s truly alone. the moment he holds han’s dice in his hands, when they disappear, that’s the moment you know that kylo has no one now. he has pushed back everyone in his life. he’s even killed his own master. he murdered his dad. he was willing to obliterate his uncle, and even in his own fit of rage, he’s willing to kill his mother. but ofc we can’t forget his hesitation with that at the beginning of the film -- that was important, but that fleeting feeling never came up again bc he just. wanted to kill all the rebels anyway so

now let’s get to their force bond -- this non-consensual force bond. rey isn’t interested in what kylo has to say for a while, but she’s also so young. naive. her naivety is such an important aspect of her character. kylo has her cornered in these scenes, they’re alone together, so she’s forced to listen to his shitty, made-up sob stories. she’s manipulated. she’s seduced to thinking kylo’s a misunderstood baby, when in reality, he’s looking for a way out. he’s looking for a fresh mind to populate his abusive tendencies in.

kylo in this situation is acting very much like an abusive person, in which he’s trying to make this unsuspecting victim understand his story. rey, at first, doesn’t want anything to do with it -- “YOU’RE A MURDEROUS SNAKE” -- but he persists in trying to tell her oh, but i’m not that bad.

but he is. he really, really is

even up to the point where he asks her to join him -- he lists off so many things to leave behind. the jedi. the sith, the resistance. her parents.

never once, does he mention the first order.

he wants someone to be there by his side, that forgives him for his wrongs. to be blind to what he’s done, so that he can take advantage of that. so he’s not utterly alone, so that he has someone who tolerates his toxic, abusive, and murderous behavior

i am very happy with how the movie handles them, and how they reject the notion that they have chemistry; because the verdict is, they don’t. and this is super important to realize, and why i so very much detest reylo as both a concept and a romanticized idea.

when kylo sees rey at the end of the movie, through the bond, she willingly shuts the door on him. he’s alone. utterly alone now. this is the truth: your abusive tendencies have consequences. you cannot expect forgiveness, even from someone who’s naive.

adam driver did such a spectacular job at portraying kylo as something beyond a “confused child.” he’s a murderer, a power-hungry, angry man who will scorch the galaxy if it means he doesn’t have to hear about how wrong he is

anyway thanks for coming to my tedtalk

#sw #spoilers #pls read if u want some Hot Takes on r*ylo!

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bnrobertson1 · 5 years ago

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No Hooch, Year Two: On Moby Dick and Meditation

To mark a second year of not drinking, I wanted to do something more substantial than last year’s Se7en-style “celebration” of engorging half a cake, so I decided to read Moby Dick. I’d never read Melville’s meditation on, well, everything*, but a confluence of Wiki-wormholes, a pandemic-limited social calendar, and a lifelong promise to myself to actually, you know, read it (as opposed to referencing it as though I had whilst defogging my monocle) merged at just the right time to propel me through the tome’s intimidating heft.

*It’d be pedantic horseshit to call it my new favorite book, but it’s The Greatest Novel I’ve Ever Read. I recommend it for its existence-sized ambition alone, although if you write things you will feel a little insignificant afterwards.

You know the story: fish eats man’s leg. Man, upset about the whole leg thing, pursues revenge at all costs. Between pages of the most Metal shit* ever put to page (articulated with Shakespearean grandeur, no less) a story of obsession is painted that is as powerful now as it was 170 years ago.

*Metal Gods Mastodon’s album Leviathan is an ode to the book, and does not exaggerate the intensity whatsoever

I’ll can it about Moby Dick- but for the purposes of this, one of the novel’s main themes is a suitable launch pad. Specifically, that of the seductive, destructive power of self-delusion. Drinking, for some- for me- fueled self-delusion like no other. Sure, the self-delusions at first were usually of the more harmless, if not exactly positive, variety- feelings that I was stronger/ more handsome/ more charming/ smarter/ funnier than I might actually be- in other words a confidence boost of debatable need. Alas, as has happened to far better than me, the self-delusions eventually began to take on a more negative tone, and that- eventually- is why I decided to take a break.

But self-delusions don’t just stop when the drinking does. Oh, they fester, alright, and morph into toxic self-trickeries. Delusions that relationships won’t significantly change*. Delusions that the fact you don’t constantly talk won’t come across to some as a sort of new holier-than-thou attitude. Delusions that others care about your own well-being as much as you should. Delusions that warp themselves into useless mental narratives that in retrospect feel more at home in a bad sitcom than real life. They eat at your mind like termites, chewing through ladders of progress like driftwood.

*As someone who responded to others abstaining from alcohol with cynical, if sarcastic, grumblings along the lines of “I don’t trust people who don’t drink,” I really understand both sides. The funny (and perhaps hypocritical) thing is I still kind of don’t.

I decided to place the blame for all my woes at booze’s tasty, awesome feet, thinking like (sorry, one more MD ref) Ahab that if I slayed my White Whale, all would be solved. I’d convinced myself that the only thing keeping me from bliss was just that one hurdle- perma-happiness merely required snatching the fermented fly from my ointment. I had convinced myself that my many, many flaws would evaporate like the corn squeezins from my skin and other organs and that the world would regain some lost, heavenly harmony once I put the bottle down.

Of course, this turned out to be utterly false. My the relief of my newfound quasi-clarity proved to be almost narcotic in its power, constructing a pride that blinded me to my own complexities. In fact, alcohol had helped me a lot more in life than I wanted to give it credit for- it made my quirks less rigid and my tolerance for pretty much everything far, far higher. To call it a mere “social lubricant” seems to minimize its profound (albeit ranging) effect on my personality.

Alcohol filled a void in my life that I just assumed would be replaced with light and good tidings once I stopped. And while other substances, concerts, Stereolab vinyl, the first three books of Knausgaard’s My Struggle, and sunrise exercise did do a bang-em-up job filling that emptiness at a slightly-higher-minded level, in truth a lot of the hurt I was trying to avoid by not drinking was more than happy to wait and sharpen its knives while I fooled myself into thinking I’d figured it all out. Anxiety- while not nearly as bad as it was in my hungover/drinking days- would still spread and pop in my veins at the mere scent of confrontation or reckoning, like an oil site aching for a cracked pipe. Even though I was doing good things for my physical and mental health, I wasn’t really grappling with some of the things that drove me to alcohol in the first place. But that’s a topic more appropriately discussed with a certain person I pay a (non-prostitute) hourly rate every other week.

Hungry for a reprieve from the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, I found myself doing deep dives into literature and music that would heighten some of my experiences with some of the aforementioned substances. Another self-deception? Sure, but in concert with a slightly clearer head, this one actually produced something positive when it led me to stumble upon Jamie Wheal and Steven Kotler’s life-altering Stealing Fire. A book about elevated planes of consciousness, “flow” states, and how they can vastly improve lives, the book- as well as David Lynch’s Catching the Big Fish- coincided with an intellectual superior’s suggestion to get me to try- of all things- meditation.

I freely admit this was not easy for me to do, as I have found “earthy” folk to be some of the most obnoxious on the planet for most of my life. But my desperation for some sort of lasting change led me to get over my stereotypical assumptions about the cliche meditator (and the fear of being associated with their soft-spoken, vowel-loving kind) and give the meditation app Calm a go. I felt results immediately, even in a period where outside forces seemed to be conspiring to obliterate my ego. Long story short*, taking time for mindfulness provided refuge in a real motherfucker of a year, and would eventually lead to a daily Transcendental Meditation practice and a peace of mind I hadn’t ever encountered and for which I will be eternally grateful.

*Yes, this is the abridged version.

Meditation taught me humility, appreciation, and clarity by slowing down my relentless thoughts- something I once thought an asset- and gave me the new lens of equanimity through which to see the world. The humility* to realize I wasn’t the “most” or ‘best” anything in the world, nor would I ever be, but I wasn’t the “least” or “worst”* either**. I began to appreciate kindness as a form of a most pure, dynamic courage, not the bi-product of some bland weakness. Finally, a heightened concentration gave me the clarity to see a lot of those self-delusions for what they were, well-intentioned self-defense mechanisms that’d gotten warped and lost their way. Being exposed for what they were, they just kind of went away. The culmination of these teachings gave me the foreign feeling that while I still have a lot- like a stupid amount- of work to do, I actually kind of like myself.

*Another excellent teacher of humility has been picking up my mom’s dog’s shit every morning for the last few months. Few things will make you reflect like a dog making direct eye contact with you as she, as my mom puts it, “does her business.”

**Sure, I knew these things at a lip service level but to actually realize them was due to meditation.

But it’s not all good. Some relationships got stronger- others rusted- others crumbled. Some of my flaws that had been dulled by alcohol or good ol’ fashioned neurosis grew pointy again. All of this probably would have happened had I been drinking, albeit in more dramatic fashions. Life- at times- seemed insistent that I pick up the bottle to smooth some rough patches both personal and universal.

I didn’t not drink because I was strong, or disciplined. But- for the first time in a long time- the sheer terror of total relapse wasn’t the cause for my not drinking either. I abstain because I’ve got enough shit to sift through and frankly I’ve come to kind of like my edges, plus I find just thinking about being hungover to be exhausting.

(That said, I promise if I pick up the bottle between now and the next of these over-shares, I will exhaustively report back, much like I think people who post outrageous amounts of wedding photos on social media should be legally obligated to also post subsequent divorce papers.)

I’ve started to see my faults as something to be worked on, not a damnation- or something to be blindly defended, for that matter. Meditation has taught me that change isn’t just possible- it’s constant whether you want it to be or not. I miss a lot of who I was, but I certainly don’t miss the way I felt, and embracing the now only sharpens that appreciation. There has been pain and will be bad days, but the alternative simply doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I don’t laugh as much but I smile a lot more.

I’ll close with what you may have been thinking- why write this? The first reason should be self-evident: to get some hot, hot ass.* But for realsies, I share this because writing helps me give what I referred to last year as “the abyss” some semblance of shape. What was once the void is just now a really big, fucking mountain of labyrinthine design. And while not feeling understood has always been an issue of mine, so I genuinely appreciate it if you made it this far, its really the posting itself that’s the point. Secondly, I find the stigmatization of those with mental health issues, while much improved in recent years, to be one of the biggest plagues on modern society. Although I don’t live anything resembling a sweet life, I feel being brutally honest is at least my way of trying to combat that. Thirdly, I wanted to impress you with the fact I read Herman Melville’s 1851 classic Moby Dick**. Now, if you’ll excuse me the 2/5 of cake I’m staring at isn’t going to eat itself...

*Every blog’s raison d’etre

** Great book!

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araeofsun · 6 years ago

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Rose Tinted Glasses- An Essay.

Note: this was reposted from another website, but the words are all mine.

Lately, I haven’t been able to write. I’ve grown more and more restless by this, as writing has always been a source of comfort for me. Today, I said fuck it and wrote about what I really want to write about, my last relationship. This essay has a general TW for upsetting content. Specifically to do with alcohol, abuse, suicide attempts, and references to self-harm and past mental battles. I’ll keep it all under the cut.

My name is Rae. I'm 22 years old, I'm a college dropout who moved back in with her parents in December, and I just came out of an intense and deeply toxic relationship with a woman I'll call Liv. Since doing so, I've felt hopelessly stuck. I used to be a bright, talented person. I have always battled depression and anxiety, and in high school I dealt with bullying and my own struggles with schoolwork. But I've always been smart. Teachers have been known to say that I'd blossom, if I just applied myself. But these days, I don't even feel a resemblance of that spark. It might be silly to long for high school days at the tender age of 22, but I truly feel too damaged by this woman to ever gain that part of me back. She may have ruined my life. I've never knew anger like this, I'm shocked by how much hatred I have for her.

I met Liv when I was 20 and she was 19. I was coasting through community college, taking a theater course that I knew wouldn't help me. She and I were placed in the same group to wrote and produce a one act show of our own. From the moment I saw her, I was gone. I thought she was beautiful, but she wore a frown near-constantly, and her voice never had much emotion in it. She seemed, to a degree, numb to the world. Detached in a way that tortured artist me found enticing. I made it my goal to get to know her, unsure if I wanted to hook up or become her.

Liv didn't take with me at first. I lack much tact when talking among groups. I get nervous, sometimes I tend to shout when I don't mean to. It was a bit overwhelming for Liv, I could imagine, to suddenly have this dumb golden retriever of a lesbian trying to get with you. But she came around to the idea one night when I wrote her a poem. All my life, I've loved to write, and sappy love poems made up for my lack of social grace. We kissed in a photobooth on our first date, got intimate after date 2, and by date 3, I was fully in love with her.

I felt like I could trust her with everything, because of how brutally honest she was about her own struggles. She had debilitating major depression that pills and talk therapy weren't as effective on. She had two suicide attempts in her high school past. She skin picked, to the point where scars were up and down her arms and legs. And she was open about all these things, so I was open about my father's substance abuse, my parents separating, and how I sometimes didn't feel like anything at all. Like a cloud of grey would just hang over me for weeks at a time. I talked about my self harm in high school. My suicide attempt. We both had been through a lot. I felt as though nobody on the planet understood me better.

Liv was a weird girl. She claimed her parents were awful people, but swore she loved them in the same breath. She was always conflicted about family. Her traditions taught her to honor her parents, but she felt as though they put her under too much pressure to succeed. She always felt as though her father was incredibly disappointed in her, and that she lived in the shadow of her older brother. She was going to community college, meanwhile, he was getting a post-grad degree in psychology. He had a beautiful girlfriend, he was scary disciplined, and he had a strange obsession with his little sister. When I say strange, I mean strange.

I never saw the evil, awful side to Liv's parents that she described. I won't say I don't believe her, I do believe there's a lot I didn't see in that house. Her father was always quiet and serious with me. He wasn't a joking type, and I was always intimidated by his presence. He was a grown up version of Liv, perma-frowning and speaking very plainly and flat. Numb to the world. Her mother was a talkative woman who was devout in buddhism. She spoke with a Vietnamese accent and always seemed to like me. She said I seemed so good with her daughter, she might have been our only fan. Neither of them seemed to love each other, Liv said they didn't. At face value, they seem like an okay family, but there was always something off, especially with her brother. Her brother was... a whole different beast.

He was the golden child. Everything he did in life was right, and her parents clearly saw him as a point of pride. More so than they ever seemed to see Liv. He took no chances with health, physical and spiritual. He lived by a strict diet, spent next to none of his money, worked out regularly, got all A's in his classes. Her brother, who we'll call Danny, could do no wrong. And he had a particular bond with Liv. I... don't know what to make of it. All I ever saw was his extreme investment in her future. Every older sibling gets a bit annoying about life plan talks, but his were every meeting, oftentimes in front of me. Liv was always presented with a list of ways to improve herself, her grades, her job prospects, he pushed her more openly and harshly than I ever saw her dad push her. She once told me that Danny studied psychology specifically because of her, because he wanted to care for her. I thought the family relation to be a clear conflict of interest. One day, while we were out shopping with my family, she got a text from him. He asked her to write one of his essays for him. College level. UC Davis. I didn't understand why she so willingly took up the job, especially last minute. He apparently had only hours before it was due. I would find out that while this didn't happen regularly, it was enough times that this wasn't the first. It cut into my time with her, but it was also a disrespect to her. He wasn't even going to pay her, she was just expected to write something for him, I found the entire situation utterly unbelievable. She was a 19 year old community college student. He was working towards a masters. When I pointed out how wrong Danny was, she... shut down completely. First she made excuses for him, excuses I countered because I was adamant that what he was doing was incorrect. Then she refused to talk about it for the rest of the day, giving me a cold shoulder until I coaxed her to speak to me again.

Beyond that, his vested interest in his sister rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe watching a sibling grow up with a lot of emotional instabilities was hard, maybe his helicopter methods were a result of that. But I ignored it, like I did a lot of things.

We fell in love hard and fast. On the outside, nobody really got it. My mother hated her, our mutual friends would talk about us behind our backs, or so she told me. But it didn't matter what anyone else thought. We made it work between us, that was all that mattered. It was an us against the world kinda relationship.

I was so intent on making this relationship work, after many short ones before it, that I ignored obvious signs from the get go. One such instance sticks out clear as day.

My little sister is 7 years my junior. We love each other dearly, and there's no other person I adore more than her, but we get on each others nerves a lot. As sisters do. When I first began dating Liv, I was still under my family's roof. My sister and I had gotten into one of our bigger fights, and she wasn't talking to me. I admit, I was crushed. My sister got mean when she was mad. cutting comments, subtweets, 14 year olds rarely handle themselves well. But Liv could see how much it was hurting me.

I had given Liv my immediate family's contact info because it was a good idea in case of emergency, and she had expressed interest in getting close to my father and little sister, specifically. She wanted to become involved in my family, let's put this in perspective for a moment, we had been dating for a month. But I was blind to the risks, and I trusted her with my little sister's number.

Liv texted my sister during that fight telling her that I was owed an explanation, that she was being a horrible sister to me, and that she needed to apologize. The messages were filled with guilt tripping, which I recognized right away from previous relationship. While my sister had been saying hurtful things, I thought it was incredibly inappropriate for Liv to get involved. And so did my mother. I learned about these texts through her, not Liv. I was immediately embarrassed, and confused as to why she would say such hurtful things to my sister when she knew how much I loved her, despite her teenager bullshit. Liv didn't ever give me a straight explanation for why she texted her. She shifted the blame on my mom, for ignoring the fact that my little sister had been trying to stir the pot during a fight. Then she questioned why I wasn't on her side, when she was only trying to help. I believed her intentions to be pure, and forgot about the incident.

And that was only the beginning to a long line of strange, often nightmarish things. Like the time we got into an argument, she texted me threats to kill herself, and I urged her to call a hotline or tell her parents. I had been coaxing her off the ledge for days now, I was tired and mentally drained, myself. Liv took this badly, insisting I was a bad girlfriend for trying to shove the burden of taking care of her onto somebody else. She scared me so much, I did wind up going to her house at 1am that night, hours before I would have to be at school. She looked me dead in the eye and told me that I didn't really love her. I was exhausted from all the other hours I put in helping her, I broke down and apologized, begging her not to break up with me. It was there I was first called 'too distant' and it wouldn't be the last.

Over summer break, we worked close to 40 hour weeks to save up for a move. Two mutuals who supported our relationship invited us to move down to southern California with them. Excited at the chance to live together, she pressed the idea on me, and I let up fairly easily. The idea of living away from my troubles at home were enticing. We had been dating maybe four and a half months? I got her a job at the reception desk of the shop I worked at in San Francisco.

While on a vacation to Monterrey with my family, I proposed to her. Four and a half months. Part of me was desperate to prove that I truly did love her, those words stuck with me from there on out. The rest of the relationship was shaped by that night. She happily accepted, we were on our way to a fairytale ending.

Except things didn't work out perfectly. Last minute, one of the people our two mutuals had involved in our group dropped out of the plan. Without him, it would be impossible to move in together. All that hard work went down the drain, and we were discouraged. The same night, however, we scoured the Facebook marketplace for quick housing in Socal, determined to make our dreams come true. We were able to afford a room with another female gay couple and their friend. They all hailed from Brazil.

We moved in two weeks later. At this point, we had been together 6 months. It was August, I turned 21 just in time for the first day of my independence. I was able to buy my own celebration wine the night my dad drove us down to our new home. Our roommates seemed alright. We were in relative bliss.

For a week.

Liv was prone to episodes where she will completely zone everything and everyone out. I likened it to my own dissociation problems. But she only ever seemed to fall into this state when things weren't exactly to her plan. I worked at a competitive swim shop to support our unit, she got a job at Panera but it quickly posed a problem for her. In addition to her depression and her dissociation, Liv claimed to have fatigue disorder. This was one claim I have since began doubting for any reasons.

Before we moved, Liv had gone to her family doctor to talk about her fatigue. I was able to sit in on the meeting, and I won't air out all the details, but he suggested that it wasn't fatigue, but Liv not taking her ant-depressants. She admitted to quitting her meds cold turkey, without the guidance of any psychiatrist. I was aware that she was phasing out of medication and had grown dissatisfied with the lack of results. I did not know that she was doing it without help from her doctors and felt personally deceived. She framed it in such a way that her parents and doctors were on board when she suggested the idea to me. I believed her, only to be told that her suddenly ending her medication like that was incredibly dangerous. Crazy enough, I still moved in with her after this. I remember the fight after that doctor's appointment being a nasty one. I wanted to try the doctor's suggesting of taking her pills again and discussing a better way to come off them with her psych. She was angry at me for taking the doctor's side, went as far as saying that because she was Asian and a woman, every male doctor was dismissive. I'm a far left feminist, I know about the issues women of color face with white male doctors. But this man was her family doctor, she had known him her entire life.

It just didn't add up. But her implying I was in any way racist was always a good way to make me cave. I dropped the matter. She agreed to go back on her pills eventually, but for the next few months, it's very murky as to how often she took them, if at all. Or maybe it was just another lie.

Anyway, she wasn't showing up to her job due to her fatigue. She would miss entire weeks of training, which scared me every month rent was due. When we moved down to Socal, we had to get all new doctors and therapists and all the like. We both put it off, but I eventually did find a therapist. I encouraged her find a new doctor, one who might be more willing to a fatigue diagnosis. She did, but she never got a new psychiatrist. Instead, she had her mom mail her prescriptions up in Northern California. Again, I really don't know how consistently she took her meds. I do believe she felt fatigue. I also believe that she had a bit of a role in it by skipping her meds. I was never brave enough to confront her on it.

With her fatigue, our newness to the area, and the lack of a network for us both, adjustment was hard. We still had our two other friends close by, at least, but other than that, we were completely on our own. Our roommates didn't like us much because Liv would make comments when she thought they didn't hear, often making fun of how closed off and weird they seemed. They caught on that we were talking about them and thus, a potentially useful bridge was burned. I regret participating in that childish game, but it wouldn't have mattered if they were our friends or not. We were growing more and more unstable as a couple.

Her distant periods always cropped up when I wanted things more to my liking. I'm a social person by nature and I used to love going out all the time. She was always too tired to, and my option were to stay at home or to go out alone. When I went out alone, she always got possessive. She would claim to have no problems with me enjoying the night life, but passive aggressive comments and distant behavior would say otherwise. It was almost as if she we on me 24/7 until the moment I wanted something for myself, something that didn't involve her. Then she would 180 and turn cold. I admit it interfered with our sex life, as I always felt a need to perform for her. Not in the bed, but everywhere else. I was too tired for sex. But she saw this not as burnout, but as me not being as devoted to her as she was to me. In addition to going into a dissosiative, "blank" state, she would cut me down when I tried to make things right. Sometimes she would threaten suicide.

I'm a social person but I'm not a heavy partier. My worst vices are weed and alcohol. I like to take the edge off a week with a beer or a wine. I have chronic knee pain and smoking relieves that and the swelling in my joints. I don't drink alone. I don't drink often. The last time I went to a bar, as of today, was two months ago. While I was in Socal, I only drank when I had the money to. I'm a tiny person, so it doesn't take much before I was drunk. I was also 21 and still figuring out my limits. Throw in my stress of moving and my failing relationship, and you can imagine that I was drunk every time I did go out to drink. I average out my heavier drinking to about two days a month during the time I spent living with Liv. I won't say I was 100% sober all those other days, but my bingeing only came with a lack of experience, an inability to handle the very new stresses in my life, and the freedom going out gave me. For a few hours, I felt like I could be at ease. I never really knew anyone I went out with, but I was happy for the new company. At this point, the only person I regularly hung out with was my fiancee. The only person I talked to on a regular basis outside of coworkers was my fiancee. She was all I knew, because my friends never seemed good enough, and she always seemed to need me around. But I never drank alone.

These are the facts about my relationship with alcohol. Think of those habits however you will, I never found them to be a problem with myself. Until Liv.

Liv told me I had a drinking problem. When I told her that I only got seriously drunk maybe twice a month, she told me that was twice too many and I still drank at home. I would drink around her for dinner, again, not alone, because I liked wine with my dinners when I could afford it. I would set money aside for beer and cheap wine, but according to her, I binged those at home. I didn't think my one glass a night was a binge, but she insisted I was getting drunk so often, it was putting her off. She was gaslighting me, looking back. Telling me there was a problem when there might have been, but not to the degree she described. Not even close. I would get confused, try to justify her words by saying they were more sober, and therefore more trustworthy than mine. Like I knew she was lying, but I wanted to shift reality with her to make sure she wasn't.

When we could swing a date night, which I always tried to save up for in addition to my drinking nights, I wasn't allowed to order wine. On the rare occasions we went out with friends, I was only allowed one drink. Liv insisted that I go find a therapist for my drinking, and I did. I did everything she asked, I was perfectly compliant for her.

Because I was doing so much self growth for her, I began trying to ask for the same effort from her. At this point, I had began catching Liv drinking from my liquor stash, alone, often after we fought. She rarely left the bed, citing fatigue. We were at risk of getting kicked out of our current apartment because we weren't on a lease and our roommates were still not keen on us. I asked her to go to work, I was called insensitive. I asked her to seek a second opinion from her new doctor, she never scheduled any appointment beyond the initial physical. I asked her to see if we could make amends with our roommates, and all of these requests were too much for her. She would call me a hypocrite if I brought up her obviously declining mental health. She would get insulted at the thought of a talk therapist, which I knew she claimed were ineffective for her, but at this point, I was the only person she even talked to. I knew that couldn't possibly be healthy.

I remembered one time when I had a package that I needed to have shipped by a certain day, it was important to me. I asked her to get around to getting it to the postal office, it was already pre-paid for postage and ready to go. While I was at work, she slept all day, I had to walk to the post office myself because I couldn't drive and I didn't have uber money. It was a two mile walk on my own for a task I had asked her to get done. When I expressed my frustration with her, she tried to make it up to me in the form of chicken nuggets. Overall, she was very dismissive of how hurtful it was when I would ask her to run errands for me, and she simply wouldn't do them. But again, it was my fault, because obviously in her fatigued state, she couldn't.

The claws really came out when it came to money. Liv came from a family far more comfortable than mine. She never got how anxious I was working to make things okay on my end, while she at this point was just asking her parents monthly for money. She found it personally offensive when I asked her to find other ways to contribute. I just didn't want her sitting at home all day, in our bed, waiting for me to tend to her every need. I was so tired, so desperate for her to have some other outlet that wasn't me. But Liv found it offensive for me to even ask. She was offended by a lot of things.

I began seeing a therapist, who I tasked with helping me figure out how I could possibly be a better fiancee for my obviously unhappy partner. I would spend sessions crying over things she said or did to me, things I was too blind to realize were harmful things. The therapist was a great one, and she gently guided me through my own guilt, showing me that not all of this was my fault. I truly felt like such a failure, with how miserable both Liv and I were.

It all came to a head when my father came down on a business trip and took the time to also visit me. My father and I have a close relationship, but used to have no relationship at all. She knew the story between us, how his substance abuse and his cheating drove a wedge between me and him. Which was why it especially hurt to be called an alcoholic over two nights a month of drinking.

My father invited me to a casual meetup among his coworkers. I was comfortable among these people, as I had known them my whole life. They weren't family, but I knew that my dad's company was filled with good people. I indulged with a few drinks at a dinner party with Liv's blessing, then a few more at the after-party at a bowling alley. Liv was only present for the dinner and did not want to do the bowling alley. Without her to stop me, I got drunk again.

I want to stress that when I'm drunk, I don't get mean. I get bubbly and talkative, I don't cry. That night, I did cry. I began throwing up on the way home. My dad was my DD and took me home to Liv. She watched over me while I threw up in our bathroom. At this point, she had been let go from Panera. We had gotten kicked out of our first place, and quickly made a move to a criagslist room with a tyrant of a house head. Money was dwindling and I was exhausted. I had never been more drained of fight in my life. I was suicidal, my confidence was in the gutter, it seemed like my fiancee was always mad at me.

She hated taking care of me while I cried drunk and threw up. She was cold about it, mean sometimes. Like how she was after fights about money, snippy and blunt and cruel. I apologized for being such a useless partner. She never contested to those words, never comforted me through my breakdown. She agreed with my rambling. She felt entitled to those apologies after breaking me down to the point where I would even feel that lowly about myself. That night crushed me and the relationship.

When I woke up the next morning, I was severely hungover. And she was nowhere to be found. She left to stay with our mutuals. All day, I was left alone to my own devices. I told her I wanted to die the night before. I was unable to hold any food down, I couldn't leave the bed, I couldn't stop crying. I would text her only to get radio silence. I had no idea on her whereabouts until late into the evening and even then, she refused to come home or give me any other information. I managed to hold myself together long enough to fall asleep before I could do anything stupid and permanent. My father had gotten the first flight out of Socal that morning, and anyway, he knew nothing about all this. I refused to tell him for fear that my family would view this as me failing to live on my own. I had no one again.

I'm only telling the highlights of this relationship, the most telling, prominent parts of it that I look back on and I wonder what was I thinking by staying? But I haven't really gone into much detail about the day-to-day life between Liv and I. It's taken me months, but one night, I managed to write down a good visual.

You walk into a room. There is another person. You don't know what their thoughts on you are today. They don't know how they're feeling in general. All you have to go on is their body language and what they say to you, for any hint on where their head is at. Sounds like any situation, right? Not quite. They sit on a couch. You stand in front of them. They begin a conversation. There is a gun on the coffee table.

You try to focus on what they're saying to you, but it's hard to. You can't. There's a gun on the coffee table, it looms over whatever the person is trying to convey to you. In my situation, that gun represents the uncertainty of Liv's moods. How I never knew who I would get when I got home, but I always knew that there was something brewing in the back of her mind. There was a gun, a tense air, but it depended on whether she picked it up and shot or not.

You have to focus on what they want to say, they begin to grow agitated with you because you can't seem to distract yourself from the gun.

If you interrupt, they might pick it up

If you turn away, they might pick it up

If you speak out of turn

If you stand up for yourself

If you bring up an off-bounds topic

There is a gun, and your every action and word could be the one to get that gun off the table, into the other person's hands.

For me, that person was Liv. And that feeling continues to this day. I live in absolute fear of other people now, I see guns on coffee tables everywhere I go. She never owned a gun or threatened one on me, but I never liked the things. It's the most vivid image I can use to describe the horror of going home after work for me. If she picked up the gun that night, I would be spending it convincing her to put it down before she turned it on herself or me. I tiptoed around her, performed as best as I could for her. It depleted me.

Liv came home the day after leaving me alone and suicidal. She came over to dump me and pack a bag. I cried, sobbed, begged for her not to leave me. I told her I needed her, she told me the fact that was why I wanted to stay together was reason enough why she should leave. She broke my heart and ran back out to her friend's car. I was alone again.

I had one friend down south, who I'll name Greg. however he lived nearly two hours away from me, near San Diego. I called him, begged him to come over. He did, and then he took me to his place that same night. Already, I was beginning to feel a little bit better. I failed Liv in every way possible, but I was also free from that feeling she gave me. That unease in my chest. I once thought those were butterflies, but it was terror she kept me under. With her suicide threats and her moodiness and her cutting words.

I slept well that night in Greg's bed. Then the next day, another friend of mine from Norcal drove down to meet up with me. He wanted to discuss my next step, how he could help in any way. He offered to take me out on town that night to cheer me up. I accepted happily, as I wanted more than anything a night at the bars to unwind and chat.

I took two pictures for my instastory, mostly to let people in my life know I was okay after calling them up last night, telling them about a major breakup. One was a picture of downtown San Diego, the other was a video of a jazz band in a bar. I wasn't making out with anyone drunkenly, losing my cool after getting dumped. Liv, however, wasn't pleased that I was enjoying myself at all.

Liv had a private twitter account. I'm not sure how to explain concepts like Finsta or private twitters, but essentially, you use them to vent. a select few close friends follow, or maybe no friends at all. Liv loved the concept of private accounts. That night, she used hers to post several nasty tweets about how it was insulting for me to move on so quickly, to be out having fun after losing a fiancee. One of the tweets said "can she really not even pretend to feel bad about all this?"

I had no knowledge of these tweets until she tried to call me at the jazz bar. I ignored her call. She texted a link to one of her tweets to the friend I was with instead, after sending me a voicemail where she said her goodbye to me. Liv was going to attempt her life.

My friend, who we'll call Billy, showed me the tweet she linked to him. It was four screenshot images of suicide notes. One addressed to me, one to her brother, one to her parents, and one to her friends she was staying with. I was horrified and sobered up immediately.

For those unfamiliar with California, San Diego is a lot farther from LA than one thinks. Liv's friends lived in Fullerton, a city close to the county line between LA and Orange. I was, at that point, a good two hours away accounting for traffic. My friend and I had no chance of catching her in time. I called 911 and gave them the address to her friend's place and a physical description. The couldn't do much but wait without an apartment number and I didn't even know how she was going to attempt it. I called her mother and her brother, both of the friends she was staying with, anyone who might be of any help at all. Billy was in the driver's seat, neither of us were worried about speeding or how much we drank, it didn't matter when a life was on the line. We were risking our own in the process. I eventually got a call from a cop from Fullerton PD, Liv had been found after she had walked out into oncoming traffic. She had been hit. They were sending her to UC Irvine's medical center, and he had no word on her condition. Just that she had been taken to the ER.

I can find the exact day on my google timelines. December 11th. A two hour drive from downtown San Diego to UCI medical center was done in an hour, twenty-three. I waited in the ER waiting room for what felt like hours. Finally, a doctor was able to give us some kind of status update, and offered to let me visit her. Billy and her friends were there as well.

I went in first with Billy, one of the first words that came out of her mouth, "Do you really think your drinking isn't a problem?"

At this point, I had woken up. I couldn't stand her. I was worried for hours over her, and we were still discussing my mental health, my drinking, my issues. I wasn't the one in a goddamn stretcher, but it was still all about how I was wrong. I promised her that this wouldn't be the last time we saw each other. Then I broke that promise. The next day, my elder sister Kathleen had driven through the night from our hometown. She helped me pack all my stuff, and I abandoned ship. I sold my bed to one of our roommates, I told the head of house don't bother asking for help filling the empty room and I blocked him. I wanted nothing more than to end this chapter of my life immediately. I wanted to escape Liv so badly, I wanted to rid myself of anything that had the slightest to do with her. I never even properly left my job, I just... stopped showing up.

I didn't care. I still don't really care.

That entire relationship has left me completely frozen in trauma. I'm unsure whether to post this under relationships, emotional abuse, or PTSD. All apply here. The first month back, I was too scared to leave the house. Cars terrified me, walking too close to the street was too scary. I couldn't go to work. I had dropped out of school to partake in this pipe dream with Liv, I couldn't just go back. At that point, the fall semester was over with, spring classes has been picked clean. I was stuck.

I'm still kind of stuck.

I have a job again, one I had before I moved away. And one that I almost lost because I'm no longer able to perform at cash register. One customer got to me so much, reminded me so much of Liv, that I broke down and yelled in her face instead of scanning her items. I was taken off register and put to graveyard and early shifts, where I don't have to service anyway. It works for me, but it's a little heartbreaking that I can no longer handle a cash register. I can't go out alone. Dating is an unspeakable thing, I feel like I can no longer do that. Opening up to people is impossible unless it's under the guise of anonymity, Like on here, for example. I've still yet to re-enroll in school. I don't want to see her there, what if she decided to go back too? I can't hang out in the city we both now live in again. I can't risk running into her, not only because I fear the confrontation of that. I also fear that I might return to her. She texted me asking to see me again in the beginning, but I think she realized quickly that her plaything was no longer hers. This experience depleted the savings I had for school, ruined my credit score, and broke me emotionally. I have nightmares every week.

When Liv came back home, after a week and a half in a hospital down south, she took all our mutual friends with us. Even Billy jumped ship to her camp, when I realized that he was only being nice to me to sleep with me. I hear they might be a thing now. I can't help but feel betrayed by him, I truly thought Billy was my friend. He was that night. I wish he still was, sometimes. Interestingly, Greg was not a mutual friend. He stayed by my side after all this, but Liv never liked him while we were together. And he never liked her. In fact, all the friends I have left are the ones that weren't i some way related to Liv.

The night before I got drunk with my father, Liv brought up the idea of enrolling in a school down south for their spring semester. I was insulted. I left school for her, something I had begun to regret after the move. But I had no time for it while I was stuck trying to provide. She knew how much I missed school, and told me that this would be the only way she would get out of the house. Like someone twisted a knife they already stabbed you with, she didn't understand why I wanted her to instead focus on earning her keep. I asked her how she was going to pay for it. She said her parents would happily supply. I asked what I was to do if I wanted to return to school, cuz my parents couldn't even afford my rent, much less school. She told me to look into more jobs. That was our last "minor" argument.

It should have been a red flag, so many things should have been. I could go on for hours how broken, how mean this woman was in her 20 short years of life. But when you're in love, I suppose all those red flags are just flags when you view them through rose-tinted lenses.

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