#because ive done stuff like art and music for such a long long time

[the-s1lly-corner]

Can you write the TADC cast with a male ballet dancer reader? The reader experiences gender dysphoria 24/7 because they look very feminine and all that.

TADC cast x male!ballet dancer!reader w/ dysphoria

back to finishing up the current line up of requests!! reminder that im only doing requests that have been sent in prior to them being closed! any requests that are sent in while theyre still closed will not be taken and will be deleted so i can keep track of what was sent before closing; its nothing against any of yall and you guys can resend your stuff when they are reopened (i will make it very obvious when they are so dw!!) on a different note i could have sworn i did a cast request with a reader who does ballet; but i guess it was only for jax and i was confusing the group request for the ballora type! reader from this morning huh anyways!! i hope you enjoy this anon! quick warning that i know literally nothing about ballet so im

CAINE:

i think he enjoys a bunch of art forms; from music stuff to dance stuff to painting stuff, this man has taste. i think he would give you a bunch of outfits for you to wear and swap around that fits your aesthetic. bro would give you a whole walk in closet. as for dysphoria, i think he would do a similar thing with jax and reinforce how masculine you are to him, usually through affirmations, but he also shows it through just being there for you, bro is not only your number one fan but hes also your biggest supporter

POMNI:

i am yet again stumped on what to put in for pomni, since i think pomni is. bad at comforting people. very awkward, do not go to her for advice she will fumble so bad. now its not like shes not trying, but i think she would be all over the place trying to cover everything that could possibly help you; perhaps you two ultimately settle on cuddling one another... if this werent the digital world you two would probably put on a movie to take your mind off of it. as for her thoughts on ballet! i think she would find it neat, similar to jax she would have a form of respect for it!

RAGATHA:

she thinks it looks pretty, the dancing! she wouldnt know all the history or more in depth parts of it but she would watch you practice if you allowed her too... i think she would make you a binder, if your digital body causes any gender dysphoria for you.. though now that i type this i recall it being said that the characters clothing being stuck to their body.. so maybe she would just make you clothing thats more masculine as well? im not sure on this one!

JAX:

doing jax first since he already got a similar post and i can use it as a basis; ive said this in that post as well as the ballora one but i think he would at least appreciate the dedication and hard work that goes into ballet... to like, fully commit to something like that impresses him you know? as for dysphoria, i think he would make it a point to call you more masculine terms. hes gonna be trying his best to try to help you with your dysphoria in the way that best helps you. lays off on his teasing on days where its worse

KINGER:

i am yet again distraught that i do not have many ideas for kinger this time, which is sad because hes my favorite character and i can relate so hard to the dysphoria thing... thinks.. probably throws all of his knowledge at you. i mean hes been in the circus for a while, hes probably seen at least a few people come and go; and sure what are the odds that he has some experience helping someone fight through their dysphoria... a boy can dream! takes you to his pillow fort and lets you stay for as long as you want

probably sits and watches you dance on a makeshift pillow thrown. claps when you're done, probably throws roses... i think caine would throw roses too except he would throw way more simply because he can literally. manifest as many as he wants

ZOOBLE:

i dont usually like sharing my lgbt hcs about characters out of fear that it would be met with discourse but if i recall correctly zooble doesnt really have a gender/a set one (if im wrong correct me!) so they understand the dysphoria thing; i think they would offer to let you hang out in your room and vent your feelings out. probably tries to give advice on how to feel better in general if you want advice, but if you want comfort theyre gonna do your best to give it to you. i dont think zooble would have much of an opinion on ballet; neither negative or positive, simply knowing thats its an art form! supports you if it makes you happy, though!

GANGLE:

while not the same thing, i like to think gangle used to do ribbon dancing in the real world... because... ribbon girl. see look im so so creative

but also i think it looks pretty

so you guys can bond over your hobbies! you might have to pry gangle to open up and talk about her interest in it, assuming she picks it up again in the digital world! as for dysphoria, i think gangle would be like zooble in terms of lending you some support; offers to help distract you if you dont want to tackle the issue at that point in time. i dont know about you, but sometimes i just, dont want to deal with my own dysphoria, but perhaps thats just a me thing

[untoldsoup]

Just wanted to make a quick update!

I know some people have expressed concern over my mental health because of the speed I get updates out so I figured I would make a post to clear the air.

Yes, I draw 3-4 or more hours a day. And I know it sounds alarming but I'm an introvert. I spend most of my time between work and home. Before starting this comic I would either play video games all day or scroll the Internet. If you look at my blog history, you will see I've actually had this blog since 2020. However before this comic I posted barely anything. Maybe one to two arts a year.

I had a long span of depression and life and health issues that really affected my passion for art (a year of spine problems that also prevented me from drawing until I had emergency surgery). Getting into the mario fandom really reignited my drive to draw again. When I find something I like I hyper fixate on it A LOT. I did the same with starwars for 4 years with a previous blog.

Also, this is my first time actually committing to a comic and I'm having a ton of fun with it, learning new things and fully enjoying the experience.

I do take breaks for other things (over the summer I worked less on the comic and more on other sidlink projects ect) to prevent burnout.

But drawing really is relaxing when I get home from work. I put on youtube or music and work on a page, then do some chores and a few other things before bed.

Not to mention I got a system down now and its easier to start and finish pages than it was at the beginning.

I'm working on the last update now and whats really motivating me is proving to myself I can finish such a large project. Ive never worked on something this big before and there is a sense of pride in completing it. I also plan on working on a ten page epilogue that wont be post on tumblr due to the nsfw rules, but will probably have on bluesky or discord or something.

I think after that I will however take a small break before working on the sequel (I do have the first 12 pages of the sequel ready to go, but it wont be posted till chapters one and two are both finished) just so I dont stress about it.

I'm a very anxious, isolated person and having projects to work on has helped a lot. I also started some depression meds this year that have been a boon to getting stuff done and not being sad all the time lol.

So all is well rn!! I'm on page 57 right now for the comic, and have a long xmas break coming up so I might meet my deadline who knows XD

[wisecrackingeric-2]

hi eric its me ian

do you like pokémon because i’ve heard you like pokémon and i. i really. really like it too. please. i’ve been a fan since i was little and have played at least one game out of each generation please can we talk. i. ough. i need to know your faves regions pokémon characters the like

@eggo-tistical HELLO HELLO HELLO IM SOSOSOSOSOSO SORRY ITS TAKEN ME S O LONG TO ANSWER THIS IVE BEEN BISY ALL DAY BUT I AM CURRENTLY RUNNING AROUND IN CIRCLES VIBRATING OVER THIS ASK OH MY G O D POKÉMON IS MY SPECIAL INTEREST I LOVE IT SM (I’ll keep all of this under the cut just so I don’t clog up peoples dashboards BDBSBSBSBSH)

OKOKOKOKOK so first things first the region/generation IIIIIIIII was introduced into was Gen 6 aka Kalos (yes I am young HAHSWBWHEH) and oh my G O D I have. SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH NOSTALGIA FOR THAT GEN. I replay X&Y AAAAALLL THE TIME just cuz I love those games S O DAMN MUCH?????? Like the design of the region is so pretty and the Pokémon designed are so unique and the music is so,,,,,, mwuah perfect. Nuzlocke comics also got really big around that time so that’s how I was introduced into Nuzlocking and HOOOOOOOOOO BOYO BOY

I AM A M A S S I V E NUZLOCKER. I LOVE NUZLOCKES SM. THEYRE MY FAVOURITE THINGS EVER if I’m not writing an essay over Luis you can GUARENTEE I’ll be doing a Nuzlocke. I got into them cuz I ADORED the storytelling aspect and all the creative comics but I’ve stuck around cuz I just LOVE the problem solving/mathematics part of them?????? I love all the insane strategies and statistics runners come up with and I can easily just watch multi-hour Nuzlocke runs for days on end

But going back on track kinda but also on the subject of Nuzlockes my absolute FAAAAAAVORITE region/generation is EASILY Gen 4 and Platinum. In 2020 I started my first ever Nuzlocke of Platinum and tk say that singular playthrough impacted my life in a way I can’t even describe would be a MASSIVE understatement. I played it through some REEEEEEEALLY TOUGH TIMES and it was such a consistent constant for me I still go back to that save file and just. Walk around with my Pokémon. And reminisce. It was also just my first ever Pokémon game EVER (if you don’t count Pokémon GO BDBSBSHSH) so I hold it very near and dear to my heart <<<33

My starter was Turtwig and I called him Boba Fett and now Boba Fett the Torterra has stuck with me through every single game I’ve played- I’ve transferred him all the way up to Scarlet & Violet and I love him SO much he unironically means the world to me. Torterras my favourite Pokémon ever I have SO many plushies of it n stuff <<<<<333 if I can find a photo of Boba Fett the Torterra I’ll post it

I also R E A L L Y love gen 5. Like all the designs of the Pokémon are SO COOL and Unova is such a fun region to go through and the STORY?? THE S T O R Y ???????????? I really love how they were kinda aiming for an,,,, older audience with it????? Unova just goes so hard

But I think if I had to nail down my number one favourite Pokémon game EVER right alongside Platinum it would be Legends Arceus. LIKE?????? THE STORY???????????? THE ENVIORMENT????????????? THE MECHANICS??? THE ART STYLE??????? ALL THE LITTLE BACKGROUND NOISES????????? OFS SUCH A GOOD GAME I think right alongside like. Resident evil 4 it’s probably my favourite game of all time it’s so stunning I replay it ALL THE TIME

I’m also semi into shiny hunting!!!!!! I’ve only ever really done it on scarlet and Violet but my favourite shiny hunt I’ve ever done was for shiny Mabostiff aka my other favourite Pokémon alongside Torterra <33 ut was right after my dog had passed away and he looked EXACTLY like Mabostiff except he was golden so I went out of my way to shiny hunt one in his memory <<<<<<33

I also really love competitive Pokémon!!!!!!!!!!! Have I ever actually PLAYED competitively??? No but I can tell you everything there is to know about it!!!!!!!

Uhhhhhhhhhhh what else uhhh,,,,,,, Torterra and Mabostiff are obviously my favourite Pokémon but I have plenty of other faves too. Like Flabebe, Sylveon, Hisuian Decidueye cuz it looks like my irl pet chickens, Meganium, Wingull, Jirachi, Delphox uhhhhhhhhh there’s probably more but my brain is soupy soup BXBSBBSBSJS

But uhhhhhhhh I think that’s it!!!!!!!! Someday I would LOVE to make a long-running Nuzlocke comic based off of my first ever Nuzlocke with Boba Fett the Torterra, and as long as the 3ds doesn’t completely shut down next year I’m planning on doing a Nuzlocke of the OG Red & Blue Games And HOOOOOOOPEFULLY Making lil mini Comics to go along with it if all goes to plan!!!!!!!!!! :DDD

[awoken-artist]

Important Update!: Hard drive issue

So I have announced this early on my discord server community I have about this situation. So not long ago about a few weeks ago my hard drive decided up and then to refuse to open again and give me a notification it has "malfunctioned".

I panicked when I couldnt get into my hard drive at all and lead me to have a mental breakdown. Heres a reason WHY though is because of the fact all of my artworks, vods ive saved ever since i started streaming for the first time on twitch as my first time vtubing, even videos ive created for years and film projects to look over, sounds and music ive saved even from places i probably cannot get back anymore, gifts from lovely people and friends even art trades and commissions ive also saved as well.

a fuuuuuck ton of art ive saved from YEARS of drawing are on there along with photography works even personal photos and videos.

so yeah i panicked like shit because my whole life work is in that damn thing.

My mom and dad manage to find a program to pay to get everything as much as we could to be able to move stuff over. we bought a new hard drive and its currently being used to copy stuff over. and me going through to make sure the amount of files on the hard drive to the new one match and if it doesnt we can focus on the single files that focus's on it to move over.

and this takes...DAYS. weeks even at worst. So this is a tedious as fuck of a long wait for to get EVERYTHING out of there. or at least everything that were ABLE to get out of there.

I do want to get my new hard drive unplugged temporarily and move my 2023 stuff over cause- fuck i need that file in my hands and plug it back into the other computer to continue making the copies. but god this is just horrendous....

it made me very sad this happened and it pisses me off as well. hopefully i can get everything back like nothing actually is missing and what not. so for those waiting on Art trades and commissions I beg to be patient. i know I have sketches down and saved towards DMS to the people and so that i can easily trace over that wip previews and go for it which i will. everyone else i have to start over which i hate doing but i also dont want to keep everyone waiting :/

I know once ATs and coms are done i will only open commissions for friends only. YCH's i'll probably open when able to cause I Have some planned to open on Vgen and Ko-fi.

I'll update you guys about it soon. if you guys wish to get quick updates from me your welcome to join my little server, just send me a dm of a rainbow emoji. :P or come by to my streams I have a bot that you can do !discord into and you can come right in. do know you have to fill out a form. I dont allow children in my server and if i find out people are lying about their age you get banned. so dont even fricken try. =_= i am just very uncomfortable around kids and rather keep my server for adults only. thank you.

hope everyones having a good monday! I will probs do a stream later today so if you guys are following me on twitch and vstream you'll get notified about it. [hopefully you guys get notified tbh-] ^u^)/

click to go to Twitch | click here to go to my Vstream

I'll also try to stream on YouTube as well. it be much appreciated if you can give my youtube some loves as well. Im trying hard to grow so any help be great. ;w;

Click to go to my Youtube Channel

[warwithoutreason]

amaristm -> road-boy -> warwithoutreason

woah introduction real. long post sorrey

hello my name is lane or juno. he/it/Several neopronouns. i'm a gay lad just click this [ <- pronouns.page link ] for more information

if you feel like learning more click the wonderful keep reading button. warning for flashing stuff down the very bottom of this post

uh im australian [ as in the white boy variety. not aboriginal ] and use the fucking aest/aedt timezone [ i have No Clue which one it is rn man ]

getting it out of the way up here since i think it's one of the first things most people look for in a description but i don't have a dni because hey who's gonna follow that. however, if i look at your blog and you're marked as a transphobe on shinigami eyes or generally you're bigoted i am going to block you. or if i just don't like you i will block you. homophobes transphobes terfs aphobes racists and ableists go fuck yourselves <3

the theme used on my blog is by @/ricecodes. profile picture from corru.observer you should play it [ flashing lights tho so beware ]

i use [ square brackets ] instead of (parenthesis) because it is fun. for some reason ive decided to space them out in this post i dont know why but i dont normally do that

i have awful humour [ deez nuts ur mom etc etc. sometimes ironic homophobia. EMPHASIS ON IRONIC i am gay myself i don't have anything against queer people ] and i have a grudge against using proper grammar. sometimes i use tone indicators. i also swear a lot

there might be nsfw on this blog but it'll all be textpost jokes 👍

i call people man and dude and bro a lot just know that i mean it in a completely gender neutral way. if you don't like something i say about you [ in terms of calling you bro or something that might cause a bad gender time ] Please tell me and i'll stop doing that

i have too many interests but heres some of em [ key: Very Interested, i like this a normal amount, not very into it atm, i appreciate this but wouldn't consider myself a proper 'fan' ]

my ocs [ though everything i post about them when i do like once per year will probably be incomprehensible ]

corru.observer [ Play it. play it. i fucking love corru observer it is in your web browser quick easy and free. pley it plase /nf ]

ultrakill

just. generally. chonny jash's music

the kirby series [ mainly rtdl, robobot, star allies and katfl. also the anime a bit? ]

2001: a space odyssey

i have no mouth and i must scream

scp: find us alive

17776 / 20020

undertale

deltarune

omori

mob psycho 100

generation loss

half life vr but the ai is self aware

the magnus archives [ not finished yet, though ! i'm at like season 3 ]

project sekai [ + vocaloids in general ]

the process of elimination [ by disfixdog/hypertextdog. read it now. shameless advertising. it's awesome ]

no follow [ by shishka. VERY fun browser game ]

the upturned

demonvn / demon detangled [ by gertritude. its still in progress i think ]

the mandela catalogue

spiderman: itsv + atsv

heathers

the stanley parable

portal 1 + 2

ai builds

ace attorney [ the first stuff, i stopped when apollo justice showed up lol ]

serial experiments lain

off

ride the cyclone

yume nikki

faith: the unholy trinity

neon white

grab a snack at 4 am

regretevator

lego monkie kid

i sometimes do picrew chains and uquizzes and stuff, as well as occasionally gettin up to shenanigans with mutuals

occasionally i post art [ usually of my silly ocs ] under the tag #roadboy art. i don't think i've done this in like a year now. don't take any of the art in the tag as a representation of my art style ive changed it a lot

^ @/b0nkcreat ^

^ https://corru.observer ^

^ https://shishka.neocities.org/nofollow ^

^ https://disfixdog.neocities.org ^

^ @/aropride ^

^ https://spiritcellar.neocities.org ^

^ made by me messing around on blinkies.cafe ^

^ made by my friend astrid ^__^ it screams because it does not know how to communicate its feelings ^

[banana-milk-enthusiast]

beat Forspoken, and while I probably will write an in-depth review down the line cuz i have many thoughts, I'm just going to pointform my basic thoughts while it's still fresh.

PROS

Great designs all around, the Tantas look so breathtaking with their extravagant designs and yet it doesn't take away from their world, it fits just right in. Absolutely love it.

Good world building most questions i had were answered either through the main story or extra archive stuff. Nothing felt too weird yknow

Gameplay gameplay gameplay. The magic system is literally amazing. I dont think I've had this much fun fighting in an rpg in a long time. Theres so much fun variety so you can focus on whats comfortable for you while also looking sick as fuck. Have i mentioned how good the battle system is cuz i avoid playing mage in every game because its such a slog but here its so fast paced and hits hard. Perfect for me.

The music is soooo good, I love the main theme and find myself humming it literally all the time.

Great graphics but maybe a lil too many particle effects but otherwise really pretty.

The story is technically a pro. Like its good, not bad, not great, just good. Basically something you'd find in the YA Fantasy section, thats the kinda quality it was. Which isn't a insult I did enjoy the story and characters. It just needed polish, fix up the dialogue and trim some of the story fat and i wouldn't have any complaints tbh. Probably would do better as a book series tho ngl, not sure what game format would have saved it.

Shoutout to the accessibility options. I'm glad more games are including these. I'll never understand complaints about them though, like just dont use them if you dont want/need to thats it.

ALMOST FORGOT THE COOLEST THING. THE NAILS. I'm sorry but the idea of using nail art to inscribe magic runes to give you buffs is the coolest fucking idea ever, why has this concept not been used till now. We always see rune tatoos or written on gear and stuff im fantasy media but this is such a neat ideaaaa and im forever thankful for it. Her capes are cool too I guess, with there was more variety rather than recolors tho. Kinda wish we could also get different outfits for her tho. Those jeans probably chafe.

CONS

THE OPEN WORLD IS SO BIG FOR NO GODDAMN REASON. I honestly wish this wasn't an open world game tbh, its so unnecessary. Halfway through the game, i got so frustrated and ignored everything that wasn't story points cuz getting everywhere takes so damn long, especially early on when you dont have fancy parkour or stamina. Easily its biggest fault for me.

I understand they thought it'd do way better than what happened but planning out a story as a trilogy in the gaming industry is not a smart move. I've yet to play the dlc so idk if we get closure but the loose ends werent a great way for the game to end.

Oh, the dialogue. Its easily one of the gamest weakest points. Like the type of dialogue i was writing in my original stories when i was 13 (not that ive gotten any better tbh). Basically, it's not what you expect from such a vaunted company. Frey is great when shes excited or angry, which is most of the time, but occasionally, they'll hit me with the cheesiest line I've heard in years, and idk how to handle it. Like the stuff she says in the final chapter is honestly so robotic, there is no natural flow present. Which is a pity cuz the actress was killing it tbh, like she definitely carried the lines with her emotion. Unfortunately, it couldn't save them. Like if it was something they dropped on ps3 or wii, it honestly would have done fine. What i mean to say is the dialogue is very outdated in this age of gaming. im actually surprised how out of touch it feels. Especially since otherwise its a solid game all around. Regarding Cuff and Frey banter you do have the option to make it less frequent or just turn it off but i never really found them annoying regardless.

Maybe its just me but the control scheme feels so weird, the games makes you feel like you should be gliding most of the time but holding O while spaming all those trigger buttons feels so awkward to me. But then again I also didnt care enough to change the control scheme so.

[moldspace]

10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 29, & 30

10. Favorite piece of clothing to draw

i'm terribly neglectful of my clothing drawing skills. it's something ive been meaning to practice but i just don't get around to it. i love the IDEA of drawing silly long medieval-style hoods on creatures. i rarely do them justice though. i really just want to get good at drawing silly historically accurate medieval clothes to be honest with you.

11. Do you listen to anything while drawing? If so, what

ok i just answered this but ill expose myself and go into detail RE: tunes. lately it's been a lot of fish in a birdcage and crane waves, for whatever reason. i also have been kinda getting into oingo boingo and bjork... dabbling in them really, both are hit or miss for me. but as always when i need to get pumped up slayyyter or kim petras (turn off the light... album of all time tbh)(and stupid boy is the SONG OF ALL TIME!!! IMO). and cosmo sheldrake (especially his instrumental stuff) if i need a more chill background noise. (my music taste is. all over the place.)

12. Easiest part of body to draw

ooh possibly insane to say but i think my fav/most comfortable thing to draw lately has been faces! i'm not sure about EASIEST, i feel like that always depends on pose and stylization. if we want to get technical i think probably the torso is the easiest thing to draw. just kind of stylize it into a tube. that's definitely not what this question was asking though. ANWAY!

already answered 13 and 14~

15. *Where* do you draw (don't drop your ip address this just means do you doodle at a park or smth)

most of my sketchbooking is done at my kitchen table or sometimes in class. my digital art setup is a big gaming laptop + a screened tablet so she stays at my desk, not very portable at all. the sculpture painting situation is EVEN LESS portable so that's pretty much exclusive to ~My Basement~

16. Something you are good at but don't really have fun doing

ohh inchresting question. i feel like the things i'm good at i've gotten good at because they're enjoyable, and i don't do the unenjoyable things enough to know if i'm good at them or not? honestly though, i don't like underglazing very much. i like the results i can get with it, but it's pretty tedious. glazing on the other hand i dislike and am also bad at maybe picking color schemes as well. people say i'm good at colors and it's true but the amount of trial and error that goes into it is such a pain!

17. Do you eat/drink when drawing? if so, what

usually i'm too absorbed with what i'm doing to. and when i'm working on sculpture it's hard to eat or drink anything without getting clay dust/paper mache glue/paint on and in my food! although when i really need a push to work on something i'll make myself a cup of earl gray to keep me company. 50% chance if it gets drank or if it gets cold tho.

29. Media you love, but doesn't inspire you artistically

this is hard because i think everything i like sneaks into my art one way or another! maybe the uncanny/spookier art i like. it's not strictly MEDIA, but i have some niche macabre interests like historical burial customs and ancient mummies (natural and man-made), anatomy and physiology, taxidermy, pathology, etc. that i don't think pop up that much in my work.

and i answered 30 already!

[rosicheeks]

oh yes you were at court! i forgot that was at the start of that post lmao. i've been to court twice when i was super young for drinking underage and then smoking lool it was so boring and long and shit but thankfully you were just there for moral support, i hope it wasen't such a bad thing your friend had to deal with! I remember seeing you post about moving but i forget if it was TO or AWAY from your parents but that clears it up. I totally get you on that though, i'm living at home right now and i feel kind of similar about not feeling comfortable in your own home. Its a bit different for me, but similar enough. Hell my stepdad even sleeps in the living room too! hes always done that so ive always felt like i had to be on eggshells when night time hit. I used to sneak smoking in the backyard back in the day myself, i got caught once when i was in highschool he made me throw all my pieces out which sucked big time. ahhh i love that, art! you should totally show more stuff on here too, at least if you're comfortable and its not stuff you'd wanna sell, i would absolutely love to see any of it 🖤i've dabbled in writing poems and things i planned to make songs, although only recently. I've always wanted to be a musician but my attempts at learning guitar over the years have never ended up lasting long and i try to learn singing but i just dont really think i can. plus i was always afraid of self expression so i never wrote until a few years ago. i still do, because music is so important to me (which is why i did pick 🎤!) and it makes me so happy but yeah. i have 2 shows im headed to in a few months even so im so excited 🥰my day though has been so boring, i mostly played video games and watched youtube videos. watched another episode of a show i've been watching called Silo, which i absolutely love. im so surprised you had room in your tags still after myself lmao, but i do that same thing i always talk in the tags! also i'm giving you tons of hugs and kisses 😘🥰 - 🎤

Hi hi hi ☺️ how are you doing lovely? 🥰

[3rdrainbow]

hehe my spouse tagged me in dis

1. Are you named after anyone?

not actively 🤔

2. When was the last time you cried?

this past weekend when i was spending time w my spouse and i jus got all soft emotional sdkjlfdsjlfk

3. Do you have kids?

technically one i suppose 😭

4. Do you use sarcasm?

i try to be honest and true but the sarcasm is still natural in my bones

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

i dont rly kno, def their appearance but i guess it depends on what of theirs really sticks out to me, aside from appearances, definitely a person's voice and how they talk

6. What's your eye color?

dark brown

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

this question is a bit weird bc like you can have a happy ending in a scary movie, or a not scary movie with a bad ending you know?

in a general sense, i guess i prefer happy endings, mostly because i get stressed out easily and id like for the people who went thru stuff to chill after its all done

but i also enjoy some scary movies, most i find really hard to watch because of jumpscares or the gore might be a bit much for me, but im def a fan of jordan peeles works

8. Any special talents?

i dont really kno dksjfklasdlkj bc like in my mind i dont understand what i do that others cant do that would then thus make my talent special

9. Where were you born?

in da philippines

10. What are your hobbies?

legitimately? jus sitting and listening to music while conjuring images in my mind jklsdfjlksdf but i do draw a lot, i used to write more often, and i used to do a lot more photography

11. Do you have any pets?

yeth! i have two dogs :3

12. What sports do you/have you played?

i hate sports kjsldfjksldf i am not a team player nor am i one to enjoy doing athletics, and also i dont have a competitive nature

13. How tall are you?

5'1? maybe 5'2? i havent checked my height in a very long time but i havent grown so

14. Favorite subject in school?

science! but very very specifically biology, i was always very good at it and it just came to me more naturally than other subjects

i also really liked ceramics bc of the really fun hands on work and the fulfillment from each piece, but not the other art classes i took

15. Dream job?

working in a library or a bookstore! truly the simplicity of it all and being able to organize books and being surrounded by them, ive had this dream ever since i was a TA in my middle school library, so chill and not very likely to be overstimulated, the best

um, tagging some of my mewchuals 🥺🥺 if yall wanna do it @irradiatedclown, @tetrissyndromes, @bikerboyfriend, @butchlinkle, @jellyfishgay, @jkgaycf, and anyone else who wants to

[sterlingarcher]

I love seeing your posts about like bandom history and just discussion and reflection from a more mature adult's angle, it's really relatable to me at 29. And while I have not involved in bandom before late 2015, I have studied a lot myself, and Panic! and Brendon were my first faves and still high up there. It really disappoints me how brutal antis are as I have figured them out to a T, treating minor errors as hate-crimes from Brendon but not anyone else. Are we not all human?

i havent checked my messages in so long so im not 100% certain when this was sent but this was a really nice thing to stumble upon today 😭😭😭 it makes me feel good to know that there are people out there who can sort of ~smell what im stepping in~ so to speak and that when i talk about this stuff its not always falling on deaf ears. ive always rejected the term “anti” because it feels so immature to say, but honestly what other word is there to even describe most of these people? haters? bullies? assholes? they dont have any actual critical thought behind why they came to hate brendon, they just know it became the cool and popular thing to hate him and “blame him” for shit and they couldnt bear the thought of not following the crowd and fitting in. youd be hard pressed to find me anyone whos life has been documented and scrutinized for as long as and as harshly as brendons since they were a teenager who HASNT stumbled or fucked up or put their foot in their mouth at some point. its wildly hypocritical because these people act very pure and righteous, and like theyve never done or said anything wrong or questionable or problematic in their lives which is just…. quite literally patently untrue for every person on earth. to assert moral and ethical superiority over a person like brendon is to be horrendously disingenuous, and it grossly highlights the efficacy of social media fandom war smear campaigns, lack of proper journalism, and the terrifying degeneration of peoples ability to engage in critical thought and perform unbiased fact-based research. these people act like brendon singlehandedly committed genocide or some shit, and honestly i find these people spend far more time thinking and talking about him than we as fans do. like he quite literally lives in these peoples heads rent free, and these are the same people who call us pathetic for still enjoying him and his music after all these years and not dropping off and following the crowd of sheeple like they did. like these people have the nerve to behave like 13 year old lunch-room bullies and then turn around and call people cringe and pathetic for *checks notes* … enjoying someone and their art and music. like honey the call is coming from inside the house. they love to use the classics like “jeez its just a joke” or “its not that deep…” when the reality is that if it was truly not that deep they wouldnt spend so much time obsessing over him and talking about him more than his fucking fans do. they quite literally troll his and panics tags and quote retweet and reblog almost everything they see with a shitty snide remark that they truly think is soooo clever and original (🙄) like its their fucking 6 figure paid career path. they constantly poke the bear, go swinging at a hornets nest with lead pipes, and then they get confused and pissed when they get bit and stung. like literally dude what did you expect? you come into a space specifically to cause trouble and piss people off and then act like the victim when you actually accomplish that??? call people cringe and fail and annoying and strange when they get emotional over something they clearly care deeply about??? as though if the tables werent turned these people wouldnt immediately start screaming crying throwing up and playing the victim. honestly though at the very end of the day i truly believe these proudly self-proclaimed “haters” are more miserable than ill ever be no matter how bad my life circumstances get. because ultimately i only spend a few hours, maybe a day or two at most being pissed that these bullies and mean-girls exist and love to invade our spaces for shits and giggles. but they apparently spend entire days, weeks, months… YEARS of their lives being bitter and vile and mean for the sake of maybe 10 likes on twitter and 5 minutes of internet validation. what a sad fucking existence. i prefer to be someone who enjoys things and engages with and consumes things that make me happy and joyful thank you :) anyway sorry for the ramble! if you read all of it i appreciate and love you for it!! 💕

[into-the-loidverse]

hey, I don't usually reach out to artists like this but I want to thank you for those culturally appropriate masa redesigns. I was a fan of his for a while and admittedly always found those designs he made to be extremely questionable (especially the GANESHA designs... if you have to TELL your audience what real-world God the character is supposed to be then you really messed up when designing them). Like you said, it goes to show that he did enough research to know what they were supposed to look like, but chose to go against it and hypersexualize the designs anyway because horny. Your redesigns proved that he not only could have done better from a cultural standpoint but that these characters would have still been beautiful even if they were wearing more than a yard of fabric lol. Masa has been doing this stuff for a VERY long time and I'm truly surprised that nobody said anything before. I really hope he learns something from this mess but from the way he's been reacting... well, I sort of doubt it. U dont have to respond to this, its just something i wanted to get off my chest, hope u have a good holiday mate

haha anon thank u so much !!!!!!!!!!!! i rly do appreciate this 😆😆💜💜 [long rant below oops soz anon]

oh yeah i definitely agree !!!! ive always had an issue and been pretty vocal [on insta] about his design choices in general bc…. this is a personal ick but i just hate hornybait art [esp from men] bc 90% of the time it looks uncanny that i dont understand how its hot…. this is especially seen in masas newer art - his clothing is vacuum sucked booby pocket that looks plasticky / nonsensical and the faces r just … yknow ? [doesnt help his woman anatomy hasnt improved much w the boobs being super high 2 the collarbone that it makes everything look off - and i always excused it bc i think it was when he drew the soap lagoon tribute image ? he said how he knows his artstyle is not how it was during onibi series and wishes 2 not return 2 it + the art is not the biggest priority over music which makes sense ! idk his art is always the best when not sexualised [or at least u cannot tell at 1st glance] like his avicii tribute / cappuccino pv or literally anything non human like guns / skulls etc]

edit: i just remembered the existence of patriot balalaika [hate that song sm as a russian immigrant] and i lied that song is the *best* researched song bc there is no sexualisation and it bases it true on the life of a war zone - WHICH FUCKING SUCKS that out of all songs it is that gets proper treatment .... what the fuck i get the dude likes military stuff but boooooooo so uninteresting [props 2 him removing the pv tho !]

im very happy that my redesigns served its purpose !! it was honestly quite easy after looking at multiple pictures + articles / blogs about said topic…. his la catrina is the best one only because it matched a cheap outfit i saw while researching so yknow thats something… his defence 4 ganesha also pretty much confirms what u said w hypersexualisation:

funny thing is during this whole situation i wrote an essay about fetishisation of women in comics 4 uni and he fits all the criteria of that so yay…. go cishet men 🥳🥳/s

i am so sorry anon 4 the long rant 😭😭 i too wish u a happy holiday !!!!!!!!!!!!! 🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

[no-shxme]

if you feel like giving a stuck writer advice.... how do you get inspiration when head no work right or produce the right words

hey anon, sorry to hear about mush brain :C my advice is scattered but i'll list what helps for me. it's long because im verbose, i hope you dont mind. skip around or whatever (SOB)

something that might help is literally writing about that shitty writer's block feeling. i dont know about you but when i write i usually have to write towards something. usually i have a fragment of a sentence or scene that i want to get to, or just a mood, etc--as specific or unspecific as possible. Then its simply a matter of spewing enough words to get there. I'm not sure what you're trying to write (or maybe you dont have an idea, i'll get to that) but if you're looking to warm up and loosen some brain cells and you can't think of where to go with your words then you could always write about how your head-no-work. cause that's a very powerful and potent feeling in itself. i dont worry about a full scene or anything, just spitting some words on the page about how im feeling, or a character that's feeling the same thing, is often enough to spark more. i think too often people get stuck in their writer's block bc it understandably SUCKS, but there's often something to be explored there, in a good way.

sometimes to get inspiration or get out of a funk i have to really switch things up. i listen to new music or stuff that i haven't listened to in a loooong time. i'll read a book or a comic or ill go look at some pretty art and see if anything clicks. adding to that, a break can really help. a day or two or a week or whatever where you tell yourself that you're absolutely not allowed to write anything. a break! usually i can do that for a day or half a day and then i'll be good to go. (that's also because i write every single day so writing is very much a habit for me, which helps. if it takes longer then that's okay.)

opposite of this, sometimes i'm especially desperate to get something done so i just brute force it. i dont really believe in only doing something when inspiration strikes, (though inspiration is helpful and so are breaks) so sometimes i just throw up all over the page. the worst dogshit ive ever read. and that's ok, because at least it's on the page and not trapped in your brain. even if it's literally just a summary of what happens in the scene. you can always go back later and add more/flesh it out/etc.

back to idea generating. sometimes if im out of juice i literally just take something i already like (movie, book, trope, for example: indiana jones) then plug characters into it (ff or otherwise), and then just twist said material until it becomes its own thing. usually the characters will do that themselves. for example. if i inserted sett and talon into a jungle traversing indiana jones au i know just based on their characters that there'd be friction, so we'd already be looking at conflicted allies (since i want them to be allies). but then you ask, how would they even be allies in the first place? logically i decide that they must want the same single objective in order to work together in an uneasy alliance, even if i havent yet figured out what that objective is. that's a start. then i can begin thinking about that dynamic and how itd work and how i can still generate tension. thats how i end up with the idea of them handcuffed together, both fighting over the same objective even tho they both don't get along. that was a really long winded way of me saying that sometimes writing character focused stories/fanfiction can get you bogged up because it's hard to get your character to do something. it can feel like a slog. dunno if you're having that problem or not but sometimes i gotta take a step back and figure out if there's a better way for my character to do things. i try not to force anything and think about how a character would actually approach a situation and then a scene pretty much writes itself. for comparison, my train of thought for building scenes isn't "character Y is going to do xyz and abc." instead it's "these are my goals for character Y, now how do they GET there?" and designing the plot around that. which i guess doesn't' seem like that much of a difference but,, imo it's a big one. maybe that doesn't apply to you, in which case ignore it lksfdjjklfsd.

uhh i know i have other tidbits or crumbs or whatever but this is what i can think of off the top of my head. i know those mucky muddy brain times are such a struggle so maybe something here can help. just know that it'll pass, eventually! whether you take a break, brute force it, fight it, etc. everyone's different, don't be discouraged! and remember that even dogshit on a page is better than nothing. there's no rule saying you can't revise your own stuff 15 hundred bajillion times. good luck anon!

[cherrymoonxx]

hi! it’s been such a long time since you’ve done a game🙈 i’m happy that you’re back and doing them again.

for your valentine’s day ask game, i’d like to choose letters of love 💌

i think the most happiest/sweetest moment of my life was when i was snooping through my elder brother’s stuff and found a box. it was filled with things i made him when i was young.

i remember seeing that and becoming so filled with emotions, i just had to burst into tears haha🫣

thank you for the tarot game! - s.k 🍓

Hey SK! It has been a while but I’m happy to be back🩷 and omg that’s sooo sweet!! I would’ve burst into tears too for sure 🥹 but thank you for sharing this lovely memory with me!

Okay, let’s get to the good stuff:

So I feel like this person is a bit more reserved with their emotions. They feel like they’re very artistic and can use music and art to express themselves. I think they can be some sort of artist, like a painter, because I kept getting hand imagery and sketchbooks. Despite them being more introverted, they are quite romantic and idealistic. They can be in their head a lot but they seem to be quite good when it comes to being attentive to you and your needs.

Here’s what I channeled from them:

“Hey… this is a bit awkward huh? I don’t want to disappoint you so I’ve been thinking about what to say to you. I kept starting and then stopping because I wasn’t sure what to say. How about we start off simple? How was your day today? Have you eaten? I hope you’re not putting too much pressure on yourself. I know life can be really stressful sometimes but I know you’re strong enough to withstand anything. Make sure you get a lot of rest though and eat a lot of good food. I’ll make sure I do the same so that when we meet we’ll both be healthy. I’m sorry the start was so awkward *laughs* I just want to make a good impression! You know, I constantly wonder whether there’s someone out there for me but I know it’s you. I’ve been waiting for you and trying to be the best version of myself before we meet. I’ve just been working on myself and doing things I like to keep me grounded. I think life is beautiful and I’m honestly excited to experience it with you.”

Okie dokie, there was definitely some awkwardness at the start. lol it reminds me of the first date jitters. But once they got more comfortable, there was more of a smoother flow. I saw it as someone starting to write a letter but kept stopping and getting distracted. Kinda like that one episode of SpongeBob where he had to write an essay and spent a whole bunch of time procrastinating lol. Their energy reminded me of that. But once they started, more information kinda flooded through. Like, their favorite thing about you is your smile. I kept smelling the smell of coffee so this makes me think you guys will have cute little coffee shop dates. Museum dates possibly. Picnic dates on warm sunny afternoons. They seem to be romantic and always looking up fun activities to do with you. They will really make an effort to be a good partner. Sharing songs with you will also be a big way they show their love for you. You can definitely expect cute playlists dedicated to you.

These are some songs I channeled as well.

Alrighty, that’s what I’m seeing for you. I hope you liked this reading. Please let me know if it resonates!

Thank you for participating! Have a lovely Valentine’s Day 🤍

[daffodilfool]

Diary Entry.

Wednesday 04-10-2023

It's spooky month

i missed the first couple days but god damnit who cares

I keep this diary for ME and MYSELF ONLY!

i had a thought this morning which i dont know how to feel about it

i find a strange comfort in knowing the last thing ill ever remember is Outer Wilds

when im 90 years old and riddled with alzheimers and dementia and i've forgotten who i am, who my friends and family are, and everything ive ever made, i will still cry when i hear the calm guitar of timber hearth and the rushing water of the geysers

theres a tumblr post i think of from time to time, while its not exactly a poem in the traditional sense i do think it would be fair to call it such

"I hate it when I can't even write a poem about something because it's too obvious. Like in the aribnb I was at I guess it used to be a kid's room cause you could see the imprint of one little glow in the dark star that had been missed and painted over in landlord white. Like that's the poem already what's the point? You get it. You get the themes. I don't have time to do it justice. Just look at it. It's on the ceiling."

[Permalink to the tumblr post]

theres a lot of stuff like this

i too have a painted over glow in the dark star in my room

well

a chunk of it

the adhesive stuck to the wall so well we couldnt get it off and the arm snapped leaving only the tip glued to the wall

i still see it through the paint sometimes and wonder if someone in the future will see it and think about it when we eventually move out of the house

fossils too

a living being from millions of years ago frozen in time, quite literally set in stone

as little as a half mandible is enough to reconstruct an entire animal and its life

the lives of those around it

here we are, millions of years later, fawning over a rock with an odd shape

we give it life

we give it personality

we study every inch of its remains all to craft a story of the unknowable world before us

part of it is pursuit of knowledge, sure

but deep down do we really ponder the past because WE want to?

or do we remember the lost souls who have slumbered within the earth for eons to keep the memory of those who are no longer with us alive

Death in life is the death of the body, yes, but so long as you've made a mark, any mark, any sign of your existance, did you ever truly die?

Outer Wilds is poetic

it drives us to find out the dreams and goals of the Nomai

and we say we do it because we want to figure out the mystery

but if it really was just that, how come i still think about Outer Wilds despite knowing everything that happened

to the Nomai

to the Hearthians

to the Owlks

I'm done with Outer Wilds

I've done everything

theres nothing more for me to learn

and yet i keep returning to the game

if for no other reason than to simply say hi to the Hearthians

and to honour the dreams of the Nomai

and to help the Prisoner move on

why is it that when i open the game i spend my first 10 minutes simply standing in the middle of the town and listen to the rushing waterfall and the soothing music

and why is it that when i hear the banjo and the crackles of the Hatchlings campfire get lit, I cry?

by the time im old

when my brain has rotted

i will be looking through everything ive ever written

everything ive ever said

ill be looking through this very diary

you wont remember me

you wont remember baba

you wont remember thyme, or ava, or nessie, or ash

you wont remember your sister, your dog, your mom or dad

you wont remember all the poems you wrote

you wont remember all the drawings you did

you wont remember all the characters you've spent so much time playing with and putting in silly situations

you wont remember the nomads

you wont remember the Janitor

but I know for a fact that whoever is taking care of you by then will put on the theme of Outer Wilds

and i know for a fact that you will remember

You'll shed a tear, and it will be the product of every piece of art you've experienced, everyone you've ever cared about, everything that has had an impact on you, molded you and changed you as a person.

In that moment, though you may not remember me, you'll know that we're still the same person.

Deep down I know you're aware that, despite everything,

I love you.

[blackvail22]

9/18/23 -- 10:46pm

i dont remember if i told you this, but my least favorite coworker gave me their number on thursday. it gave me the ick in the moment because i really dont like them (for a number of reasons), but i now feel like ive been an asshole and that i should text them.

here are a few reasons why i dont like them:

actively supports things that i cannot (blue lives matter)

favorite artists are racist and support white supremacy

...this one i have to thoroughly explain

and look, i want to believe that we can seperate the art from the artist, but when the artist makes music about the problematic things they support (aka white supremacy) or has the stars and bars flag on their guitar, i dont think.... i dont think we can separate those two lol. and i also want to believe them about having DID, i do, but i have done so much research about DID and they really do not ever switch. i mean, they do switch into a country accent sometimes but its severely watered down and you can tell its.. fake. but also, when i first met them, they told me they did that because they do it when theyre bored. and they told our coworker that they do that because they have DID. sure, they could have it, but i just... i dont know. i cant believe it

i think i only really want to text them because i am feeling lonely and i dont want to be lonely anymore. i hate post-breakup stuff because ive thought about getting with people that i dont even really like that much as well as people i know would be bad for me. hell, ive thought about getting with him for the third time, and SURE -- maybe THIS time he's changed (he hasnt its been a month) but i feel like im rotting on the inside. i feel like im wasting time. i really want someone i could talk to and show my love for.

i cant be in love though; im severely.... clingy. its troubling at times, and i dont like it. there was a time in november of a certain year when i was talking to someone i severely liked, and they told me they had a crush on someone. i went .... insane. obviously, i dont think they knew about it, but i cried for WEEKS. sometimes i would cry so hard and so much that i nearly threw up. i screamed sooo many times out of anger, and i have so many videos and notes rants about it.. here is something i found from that time .. "... we're not fucking dating, but my god, dude, you make me feel like an idiot! ... ugh. i'm fed up, but i'm not gonna go away, and we both know that. fuck. fuck fuckf cufkc hfrsdakhfbaewk;bn"

i said a lot besides that, the most important parts i think, but the general thing i said was "you couldve at least told me you were busy. fuck you for leaving me for some other girl. her and i are probably just objects anyway" and OH MY GOD?>>>>??????> i genuinely dont believe that now, but i was so out of myself then (and almost every time im in love) that it KILLLLLS me

"i think tjis hurts so much because once again, no one will love me enough to see me in their future forever. i mean, youre still special to me, and talking to you is great, but i liked you romantically just because i wanted loved. i loved that feeling that i was chasing, but you ruined it and you crushed me once again. all well."

i love so much and so hard because i want to be loved and i want to feel love back. it makes it so easy for me to fall for someone because of that. it makes it difficult to differentiate the difference between love and the idea of love really easily. it makes me afraid ill never really find the authentic kind of love i long for. not only that, but when someone says they love me and shit and then say that im too much for them or say that im too crazy for them.

when i think back, though, i really do think i was in love with my ex-boyfriend and the person i had a crush on that i mentioned before. i really do think i loved them because i still feel that love i had for them. i was told that true love doesnt go away, and i think thats true.

or maybe its admiration?

i know im so young, but i feel like ive been alive for 1000 years, i swear! i feel like my heart shouldnt be this heavy for my age. nothing feels right anymore, and i try my best to make it feel better...

it feels like nothing workdss

(that took me 40 minutes to write because i kept getting distracted )

[eluvion]

for the fic writer ask game: 3, 16, 23, 74, 76 (for hope is our four-letter word)? i hope that's not too many lol

love your writing! wishing you joy <3

hi!! this took like a million years so apologies on that!! ive been packing for and moving into college the past few days so i was a little busy but!!!! tysm for the ask love!!!! this did end up like mega long so i put my answers under the cut

3. Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic

usually, my fics really start as disconnected snippets in my notes app. i usually sort the notes by fandom, and at some point the snippets kind of amalgamate into something more tangible. then it gets shipped off into a google doc where i basically just work at it (on my computer or my phone) until i have a full fic/chapter. i usually write more emotional scenes on my phone, and it's just a Thing to do in between Real Life Things. then!! once im finished writing i read it over a billion times, read through the dialogue out loud to make sure it sounds natural, and then ask my beta (my beloved @izarie) to edit through. and then after THAT i post it!!

16. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Share one of them?

right now, i have two main ones that are just sort of revolving around my brain. there's my flinch from roy's pov ted lasso fic, because that made fic me so so sooo insane and sometimes i just cant stop thinking abt scenes where jamie is super inside his own head and what roy is Thinking Abt during that time. here's a bit of that:

Roy wonders, not for the first time, how he kicked Jamie out at the beginning of all this. Jamie had that look on his face—even while he was making Jamie-like complaints and giving Roy shit—like he was going to cry. And Roy just threw his clothes back and forced him to call an Uber and watched him slump around himself from the window. Roy knows better than that. He was raised better than that.  So okay. Maybe Roy gets it, in that context. Jamie holds onto shit that hurts him on the off chance that it will hold him close. And as much as he fucking despises it, that puts him and James Tartt in the same category, that place in Jamie’s head where he keeps the people that could help but choose not to. Roy really doesn’t want to know how many people are in that box.

and a succession post-canon roman-centric fic! it will be like. a little bit ooc just by virtue of having a nice(r) ending because that's how succession Is but you know. this is what i call healing. here's a bit of that:

Kendall’s all teeth. “Fuck you. You're not better. You’ve—you’ve fucking imploded everything you’ve ever done.” “Yeah, ‘cause you're the fuckin’ picture of a success story.” Roman sinks deeper into his seat. Leans into the car window. “Real wolf of fucking Wall Street, getting fucked out of Daddy’s company because you couldn’t play act a real CEO.” Kendall’s hands twitch.  Roman smiles. “What are you gonna do? Hit me about it?”

and also like. forever in my brain is the elektra greek tragedy fic in which i have feelings abt my doomed by the narrative failwife <333

23. Best writing advice for other writers?

i think it was ve schwab who gave the metaphor of a creative well, and that for as much Stuff (art, music, podcasts books, ect) you put in, you get more out. i try to keep my media diet fairly diverse (not just kids shows or serialized tv or classic books, but more of a combination of it all. it really forces me to like. have to break barriers in my mind, as well as like!! keeping audience and tone and all that in my mind while i read/watch/listen.

74. You’ve posted a fic anonymously. How would someone be able to guess that you’d written it?

it's hard for me to really place any of the hallmarks of my writing that are super super distinct but!! Time Things are my big tell. ive pretty much always been obsessed with time and like these days there isnt a fic im writing without a big Looking Back component to it. salt pillars and vonnegut and orpheus and lot's wife. iykyk <33

76. Did you have any ideas that didn’t make the final cut of hope is our four-letter word?

i actually do have an extras doc!! it has some yosano and dazai hurt/comfort that i tried v hard to fit into the fic but just didnt fit into the narrative i was telling. here's a snippet of that (usual warnings for dazai-typical suicide attempts):

It’s Yosano that finds him, shivering in the crimson water, watching the blood seep out from his arms.  Yosano opens the door, and she’s more calm than she usually is. She’s a good doctor, infinitely better than Mori, and she knows how much her usual bedside manner would send him spiraling. She eases him out of the water quietly, and gives him a towel.  “Dazai,” she says, stitching the cuts lining his arms. “It wouldn’t have killed me,” he says. “It just nicked a vein.”  She wipes the blood and water away and begins wrapping his usual bandages around his arms. There’s something cold and horrible in him, spreading from his stomach to his bones to every inch of his skin. He wants to rip it all apart, until that emptiness is torn bloody from the rest of him, and that thing, that pain made from scalpel edges and sharper smiles, with all its hooks and too-sweet whispers, to be burned from him, even if it means dying. Especially if it means dying.  Yosano scowls. “Not yet. Dazai…” She doesn’t call him by his first name, because the first time she tried that, when he was in high school and just out of court, he had run, hearing what he always heard at the sound of his first name. Yosano is smart; she learns quickly, and she had found him huddled on a roof and smiled crookedly, offering a hand. 

there was also a chuuya and dazai hurt/comfort scene, kind of loosely based off of the scene intimitopia wrote in the light that the fire would bring chapter 5 where dazai has a panic attack (unintentionally) triggered by poe describing a bloody scene. this is before chuuya and dazai are really close, but chuuya sees dazai leave the room and follows him to the bathroom "to give him back his bag". it was also just one of those scenes that didnt have a place in the final cut and kind of opened a plotline that distracted from the main ones. it also felt a bit too plagiarismy to nick the concept straight from someone else's fic, especially someone in the fandom that i really admire.

i also found this snippet in the extras doc, which i think?? i was going to end with but i couldnt find a natural way to put it in:

“It will get better,” Chuuya decides on, and even though it’s the truth, it’s a shitty truth. He knows how much he hated it when he was a teenager, his whole life in a bag as he traveled from house to house to home. He says it anyway, because there really isn’t anything else he can say, and even if it’s hackneyed, it’s something. “It won’t,” Dazai says predictably. “It doesn’t.” “I didn’t say good,” Chuuya says. “Maybe it’ll never be good. It happens. But it’ll get better.” Dazai sounds doubtful. “It’ll get worse, too.” “Yeah,” Chuuya says, and he reaches for Dazai’s hand, “but that’s when you hold onto the better moments.” Dazai’s hand is always cold, like a reptile, a snake that stayed out of its burrow in the winter and turned icy. Chuuya lets his body heat warm Dazai’s hand, lets it twitch back to something resembling life.  “This is a better moment,” Dazai whispers, and Chuuya isn’t sure if he even meant to say it. Chuuya squeezes Dazai’s hand. “It is.”

i never did get to writing it, and by design the fic doesnt include dazai's backstory. it's a combination of him not being in a place where he wants to tell it to anyone, chuuya not wanting to have to be the person to ask, and yosano and ranpo both knowing that it's not their story to tell. the basics are that dazai was carted around as a half-hostage half-protege of mori's through his childhood. mori was a fairly well known serial killer at the time, and, similar to canon, oda is in the crime world but starting to get out of it. he becomes a very bright spot in dazai's life, being the one person that cared about dazai (in a non-fucked up manipulative way). ango was undercover and ranpo was one of the detectives working the case to get dazai out and mori behind bars. they do eventually, but like canon, not without oda dying. yosano, having been under mori's control in a similar way some years ago, helps them find dazai and eventually legally adopts him. they have their growing pains, and dazai basically becomes a shut-in all throughout high school, but that gets him to where he is at the time of the fic.

i doooo have like. specific ages written down for all of these events somewhere (probably in a notebook) but i dont really remember where