#been drawing since I was a kid and this is something I've started to internalize in my 30s

[woso-dreamzzz]

Injured (Alexia's Version): Christmas

Alexia Putellas x Child!Reader

Summary: Christmas with Bambi and Alexia

Christmas never used to be so busy, Alexia thinks to herself as she gets yet another paper cut trying to wrap presents.

It's a wonder that baby Jaume needed all this stuff but Alexia preserves as she wraps yet another stuffed football that everyone seems to be getting him.

You're easy to buy for though and the three model trains Alexia bought are already wrapped and under the tree as well as your new ballet pumps and the cute music box that plays some ballet melody that the woman at the shop said you would love.

"Mami?"

Your head pokes around the door frame, unbound hair swaying slightly with your movement.

Alexia smiles, ignoring the sting of her new paper cut as she extends her arms out for you.

You go into them willingly, settling on her lap.

"What is it, bambi? Is something wrong?"

She tries to rack her brain for everything that could have gone wrong. It's not been long since she picked you up from ballet and you went up to your room to find your train conductor's hat and build a whole new track for some of your older train models.

Alexia tries to think whether any of your shelves looked wobbly or if something could have fallen on you but you don't look injured and you don't seem to be crying either.

"No," You say and Alexia breathes an internal sigh of relief," Just forgot to give something to you."

Alexia hadn't noticed the little sheet of paper in your hands when you first came into her, too wrapped up in the idea that you had somehow gotten injured with something.

"But you can't read it!" You say quickly when Alexia goes to take it," Because the dance teacher said that only Santa's allowed to read it but we need to give it to our mummies so they can send it off to him."

"I won't read it," Alexia lies, pressing a soft kiss to your crown," And I'll send it straight off to Santa."

"Promise?"

"Straight off to Santa," Alexia repeats, adjusting your train conductor hat on your head," Now, why don't you head on upstairs again and I'll grab you when it's snack time?"

"Okay!"

You off up the stairs again and Alexia gently opens your letter to Santa once she hears your bedroom door click closed.

The words haunt Alexia for most of the night. Even as she lays in bed with Olga tucked under her arm and Jaume on the baby monitor on the bedside table.

Alexia slips out of bed, endlessly pacing the length of the house with the only light coming from her open laptop screen.

It's a complete whim that she books them, already knowing you're going to see a version of it over the Christmas period but Alexia just can't help herself.

"Mami?" You say weeks later as Alexia wraps a scarf around your neck," Where are we going?"

"I've got a surprise for you," Alexia says," Santa's spoken to me."

Instantly, your eyes go wide and you start chewing on the inside of the cheek.

"Am I on the naughty list?"

"Oh no," Alexia says quickly, drawing you into her arms," Not at all. You're actually on his nice list and, you know what?"

"What?"

"You're all the way at the top!" Alexia says," And kids all the way at the top get a Christmas gift early!"

"Oh," You say, cheeks going a little pink at the praise," And we're going out?"

"We are."

"And then Olga and Jaume are coming later?"

You glance behind you where Olga is feeding your little brother his dinner.

Alexia shakes her head. "Just us. Santa was very certain that had to be just us two."

"He was? So he did get my letter!"

"He did," Alexia agrees," So it's just going to be me and you tonight, bambi."

The words of your letter are still on Alexia's mind as she walks you into the theatre.

Dear Santa,

I'm sorry if I was a naughty girl this year but for Christmas, can you make sure my Mami doesn't forget me ever again?

Love y/n

"Mami?" You ask when Alexia's hands don't lift up from where they're covering your eyes.

"Yes?"

"Are we there yet?"

"Just one moment. Let me just...Yeah, just turn a little, bambi. That's it. Good girl."

You react just like Alexia had hoped you would - wide eyed in awe as you look around the reception area of the Ballet de Catalunya's performance of the Nutcracker.

You'd already seen a performance with your ballet class but that had been a semi-professional production from the adjoining ballet school for the older pupils.

This was a proper performance though and Alexia gently leads you over to buy some keepsakes for the evening before walking you up into the box seats she'd paid a stupid amount to get on short notice.

"Now," Alexia says as she sits down," I can't seem to remember the story of the Nutcracker. Can my favourite girl in the world explain it to me?"

[waterrinmelonn]

I've been itching to read a fanfic of LaDS characters as modern rich kids going to College. It was at a point where I actually started drawing the thought in my previous post but that's still not enough to quench my mind so here's the idea. For anyone who wants to take this idea and actually make something out of it be my guest!✨

So I wanted to change things up a notch. My idea for this AU is that all of them are international students studying in the same Prestigious University but with different degrees:

Zayne - Bachelor of Medicine.

He'd be a chinese international student and follow in his parents footsteps of becoming a Doctor. He's actually around the same age as MC Here. He's famous for participating and winning many international competitions (e.g. math olympiad, chess championships, international science fairs, etc). He eventually got many scholarships and was accepted to many other prestigious schools but ultimately decided to settle for something unexpected. Many of his relatives are proud of him but he found very few things to enjoy during his youth thanks to the pressure he felt so it was hard for him to show or experience enjoyment in his life. His achievements go beyond his age and if he wanted, he could have actually probably graduated and become a doctor much younger than this. But he had a feeling that being patient would reward him with something more fulfilling.

Sylus - Bachelor of Mechanical Engineering

I think we can all agree he'd be a Chaebol but like, in a good way. His father is a Korean businessman(who he doesn't get along with) and his mother was a Russian model(he loves his strong-willed mother). He ultimately decided to go study abroad to piss off his dad who was trying to force him to follow in his shoes by studying under business. Everyone in his family back in Korea saw him as a thorn but they couldn't really do anything about his decisions since he was the only heir to his Father's company. His aura feels charismatic and assertive but he's surprisingly quiet and distant unless he's spoken to, he's also a nerd despite not looking the parts. He's running out of time and excuses to keep him from getting sent back to korea, but he was determined to not let go of his fulfilling life just yet.

Rafayel - Bachelor of Fine Arts

I don't really need to explain much about why he'd choose that degree in the first place. His Japanese Mom(Famous Architect) and Indonesian Dad(Business Man) would raise him in Indonesia for the majority of his childhood, but move back to Japan during his teens. He's actually already a pretty famous painter and has had his work displayed in art galleries during his youth, many of his paintings had already been exhibited but he tends to keep a low profile when it comes to himself due to a past incident he committed. He wanted to take it up a notch and see how far his passion for the arts could go so he decided to study abroad to find more inspiration as a fine arts students. Who knows, he might even find his muse if luck is on his side.

Xavier - Bachelor of Astrophysics

Though he doesn't act like it and doesn't seem to like talking about it, he is in-fact royalty by blood. You'd think he'd be part of the Brits when I mentioned he was royalty but you're wrong. He's a Spanish Baddie. His Mother is a Spanish Princess and his Father is a Chief Police Inspector. He didn't really have much freedom either considering his parents' positions. He grew up with strict discipline by both sides. He finally snapped and rebelled against his parents, ran away from home and stayed with his uncle and aunt(his temporary guardians) for the meantime after getting an approved scholarship at the university he aimed for. He always had an interest for space, stars, and the cosmic frontier. Now that he was no longer bound as "Prince Lumiere of Spain" he could be anything he wanted for the meantime. And he wanted to savor that as much as he could.

Caleb - Bachelor of Aerospace Engineering

I don't have to explain this all that much either. The concept of him still being MCs childhood friend is still there. His Filipino Mother(Aircraft Pilot) and Chinese Father(NASA Scientist) were previously immigrants who grew up in the country they immigrated im. They moved into a nice neighborhood after having Caleb, eventually meeting the neighbors(MCs parent). His love for the skies was always in his heart since childhood so when he received a scholarship to go to his dream school he was livid. He became very popular around the campus pretty quickly. By the time MC entered the same school he already had a lot of connections, secrets, admirers, and was actually part of a fraternity. So many things changed but one thing was for sure, his memories with the ones he loved will stay forever.

Plot wise it can honestly lead to anything but the main idea is they're all studying in the same university with different passions they're pursuing but despite everything, they still manage to get themselves intertwined with her whether they like it or not. It's a concept that's full of drama with a hint of romance, in-depth understanding of each character, how far they're willing to go to reach their goals, and how they show what kind of person they are with handling each situation they're in. I'm not gonna put MCs degree so people can have creative freedom with her based on their interest lol.

[appleblueberry-pie]

What if reader goes to Miles house for the first time or meeting his mother ?

miles was extremely anxious. he's never been this nervous since a few years ago. you finally decided to come over to his house on some random after school day. thank fuck he cleaned up, but even then, he doesn't think it would be good enough. it could never be good enough for you. he just wants to impress you as much as possible.

that sounds so dumb coming from his head, but no matter what you do, he can't help but feel like a little kid again. his mom was out and the place was silent. it smelled like the incense his mom lit up earlier. the hallways were clear and empty. but his hands were still damp with sweat and he couldn't keep wiping his hands on the uniform or else there would be visible stains.

you kept complimenting the place. it just made him think there would be a for real moment where you'd just cringe at a mess or you'd find something he doesn't want you to find. just thinking of the possibilities makes his stomach hurt. his internal anxiety takes over and he steps in front of where you're walking to instead lead you to his room instead of you finding it on your own.

"my room's in here. but if you gotta use the bathroom or anything, it's around the corner." he points to the door and you politely decline, much to his annoyance. now he can't check for any of your 50 million drawings he has lying around. he averts his gaze for a second before nodding, a small 'ight' leaving his lips.

he almost hesitates opening the door before secretly peeking in before fully opening it. you both walk in, dropping your bags at the corner of the room. and once you begin looking around one side of a room, he takes the half second to swipe 6 actual detailed and finished drawings of your side profile underneath his blankets.

you like how much it smells like him in here. everything is so messy, yet neat. just like him. it compliments him greatly. you look at his work desk and see a lot of sketches of random things. and on his desk are a lot of cool looking trinkets that catch your eye. you smile to yourself before sitting on the bed.

miles cringes a little when you sit and he hears paper crinkle underneath the blanket. "i like it in here. you're way neater than other guy's room that i've seen." he raises an eyebrow at that and moves to sit next to you, ignoring the crinkling again. "you've been in other nigga's room before?"

you roll your eyes. "not for anything crazy. just projects or to meet family or friends." miles nods and tries not to be too distracted by the smell of your perfume. you smell so good. and you're sitting next to him. in his room. alone.

should he confess?

it's way too early to confess. you kick your feet, not knowing how to fill the silence. "soooo...should we start on the project." Miles stares at you for a little bit before nodding. "yeah." he moves to get his school computer in his bag.

[piracytheorist]

Twilight Eyes Project: "Operation Strix" (part 2)

(part 1 here)

As Twilight tries, very unsuccessfully, to convince Anya to study for the entrance exam, we get Twilight eyes.

He still approaches it from a spy point of view. It's interesting that up to now he's only used his "Loid eyes" once for Anya, to try to make her stop crying by luring her with peanuts. It's probably a combination of him not knowing how kids work and of his own distancing from his emotions and childhood memories, that makes him think acting cold and calculating with a child will work.

It's interesting, however, to see how even with "Twilight eyes", he can still subtly express emotions.

Investigative eyes in the manga, full-face Twilight eyes in the anime.

I assume this was a choice in the anime, since in the manga there's a small panel of his face as he first notices the barricade was moved, then a panel of the trace the barricade left on the floor, then a focus on his eyes. Instead, in the anime, we see the traces on the floor at first, and then we see Twilight notice them as well and react to them. Manga can afford a narrow panel that focuses on something very specific. Anime needs to use the entire 16:9 screen almost constantly, so they utilize animation to draw our attention to the thing they want us to notice.

And something super interesting from the manga: Along the way, we'll get to see many moments that focus on his eyes, as I already mentioned, either through "sad eyes" or "investigative eyes".

Here, where his first instinct is to go find Anya, and he immediately flips back to "No, I've got to get to safety, fuck them kids"... we don't see his eyes.

Not only is the focus purposefully on a close-up that doesn't really show us his eyes (the window to the soul and all that), in the next panel his eyes are covered in shadows by his hair.

It makes a lot of sense when you realize that he actually ended up waltzing straight into enemy territory just to save Anya. The spy rule to protect his cover at all costs became a hindrance when the cost was the safety of a child. He'd been working dutifully as a spy for so long that his first plan was to ignore his instinct, but then he switched back to following his instinct anyway.

What I'm trying to say is that abandoning Anya in danger was not his true self.

Full-on, almost exaggerated Twilight eyes as he considers starting over and leaving Anya to her fate (interestingly enough, he bends to pick up Mr. Chimera in the anime).

Twilight eyes under and through the mask...

And then, interestingly enough, in his most vulnerable moment in the episode, and one of his most vulnerable moments in the entire story up to where the anime has adapted, we don't get to see his face. We see it through Nguyen's mask as he reacts to Anya crying and he realizes why it upsets him.

This vulnerable, hurt side of him is not something the audience will be allowed to see yet.

Passing onto that, the manga doesn't show his young self's eyes from up close. It's something hidden within his memories, something he doesn't want to face himself.

I'm sure it would look awkward in the anime, to only show half his face - there's different ways to portray tragedy as this in static art and in animation - so they zoomed out, censored some violence, and used animation to make the portrayal impactful.

Another interesting addition from the anime: his face, with Twilight eyes, superimposed over the image of masked Twilight leading Anya into safety, as he reminds himself what his original purpose for becoming a spy was.

Yet, we don't see his face as his internal monologue reaches that part. It's still a vulnerable part the audience won't get to see yet.

A rare case of elusive nightmare eyes as he faces Edgar and his goons...

Although the anime omits the first and shows the second with Twilight eyes, only turning into nightmare eyes when he outright threatens Karen's life.

I guess that was a choice of tension escalation.

A new expression with real eyes, as he notices Anya stayed behind.

Twilight, best spy of Westalis™, caught off-guard by a five-year-old.

Jump to Loid eyes as he tries to convince Anya he just happened to be here! What a coincidence, huh!

Two expressions in the manga as Anya tells him she wants to go back home with him...

but three in the anime.

An additional expression of surprise in the middle.

All visibly different from the "Twilight eyes", and the scene closes with a last shot of sad eyes.

After they see Anya passed her written exams, we get an outburst of emotion, wide open real eyes expressing happiness he probably doesn't realize he's experiencing.

Finally, is there a better way to force a character to show their real face than when they're asleep?

Calm, relaxed eyelids, and a hint of a blush. It's the one time he's vulnerable, open, real... and that's the reason he's mortified at the fact that he fell asleep even in Anya's presence. Can't have that!

(anime only fan here, don't spoil me for the manga)

[the-offside-rule]

Liam Lawson (VCARB) - Secret Santa

Day 9 of Christmas

Prompt: F1 secret santa exchange

25 Days Of Christmas

The rain drizzled down the Brazilian paddock, but the cool air inside the garages and motorhomes buzzed with excitement. It was media day, and it was that time of year again: picking the names for the Santa exchange, organized for the drivers to loosen up before the final race of the season. Rookie F1 driver Y/n Y/l/n stood by, a little nervous but mostly excited. This was her first year in Formula 1, and being asked to participate in the fun, she felt like part of the big family she’d always dreamed of joining.

After a quick drawing session, Y/n had pulled out a familiar name: Liam Lawson. A small smile crept onto her face. She had known Liam since they were kids, racing karts together. She remembered how obsessed he used to be (and still secretly was) with Cars, especially Lightning McQueen. It was the perfect opportunity for a gift, a playful nod to the good old days.

The paddock buzzed with energy as drivers bustled about, swapping jokes, preparing for the annual Secret Santa event. It was a light-hearted break from the intensity of the track, a chance for the drivers to relax and have a little fun. Fans eagerly awaited the video, and speculation had been rampant online about who would get who for Secret Santa this year. Y/N stood outside the Haas motorhome, tapping her foot nervously. She loved Christmas, but this event had her more on edge than usual. There was something about the thought of exchanging gifts with her fellow drivers (especially Liam) that made her heart race a little faster. She’d had a crush on Liam for as long as she could remember, ever since their karting days. It wasn’t exactly a secret to anyone but him, apparently. And according to the endless Twitter threads and Instagram posts, fans desperately wanted them to get together too.

The crew had already set up the cameras in the VCARB motorhome when Liam walked in, a bit curious but eager to see what he’d gotten. His eyes immediately lit up as he spotted the Lightning McQueen logo on the wrapping paper. "You ready for your gift?" The media coordinator grinned, appearing beside him. Liam forced a smile. "I guess so. Who got me again?" The coordinator's grin widened, clearly hiding the fact they knew exactly what was about to unfold. "You'll see." They teased, watching as he tore into the gifts, pulling out each item with increasing excitement.

"No way!"He exclaimed, pulling out the Crocs first, then the cap, then the socks. "This is amazing!" The camera zoomed in on his wide grin as he held up the Lightning McQueen backpack, laughing in disbelief. But it was the matching Lightning and Mater keyrings that truly caught his attention. His fingers brushed over the necklace, and for a moment, his smile softened into something more thoughtful.

"Whoever got this-" He started, looking up. "definitely knows me well." He looks across the paddock seeing Y/n grinning from ear to ear. "You?!" His eyes twinkled with excitement as he lifted up the keyrings. "I know youre obsessed with Cars so its the only logical thing to get you, mate." Y/n stammered, feeling heat rush to her cheeks. "And I know you still are, so I thought..." She trailed off as Liam scanned the matching keyrings. He chuckled softly, the sound making her stomach flip. "This is amazing, Y/n! I dont think you understand how much I actually love this." He thumbed the keyrings for a moment, then looked back up at her, a playful grin tugging at the corners of his lips. "Do you realize what this means?"

Her brows furrowed. "What?" Liam dangled the keyrings in front of her. "It means our keys will always match." Y/n's heart did somersaults. "Yeah, I guess they will." She laughed, trying to play it cool, though internally, she was screaming. Oh my God, stop being cute! Liam glanced at the media team with a small smile. "I think this is the best Secret Santa gift I've ever gotten. Thank you, Y/n. Seriously." He smiled as he got up and pulled her in for a hug. "You’re welcome." She murmured, her voice barely above a whisper, still trying to process how her heart could be pounding so loud. With Liam grinning down at his gift, the media team signaled it was time to switch gears. Y/n waved at him one last time as she was led to the Haas garage for her turn to open her gift.

As she arrived, she found herself nervously glancing around. Her palms were sweaty, and her heart was still doing its usual Liam-induced gymnastics. The crew handed her a large, neatly wrapped gift, and she immediately noticed the familiar handwriting on the tag.

For Y/n. Hope you love this as much as I did picking it out. - Liam.

Her breath hitched. "Liam? He got me?" She carefully peeled back the pink wrapping paper, revealing a collection of Barbie-themed goodies. "Why, Barbie?" The crew asked. "I used to have a Barbie helmet, and my first kart was pink because I just loved Barbie." She smiled. There was a Barbiecolouringg book, a vintage Barbie and Ken doll, and at the bottom, a custom-made shirt. It was bright pink, of course, with a photo of her edited over a Barbie doll under the words, She’s Everything and below that, Liam’s face had been superimposed on a Ken doll with the words, He’s just Ken. Y/n burst out laughing, her heart swelling with warmth. She held up the shirt for the camera, turning to face the crew. "This is incredible. Oh my God, he did not!"

Her laughter died down, replaced by a fond smile. "He's the sweetest." She smiled. She stared at the note, her heart beating a little faster than usual. He remembered. She looked into the camera, her cheeks flushing pink. "Thank you, Liam. This is perfect." She said, a soft sincerity in her voice before turning away, overwhelmed by the emotions that had hit her all at once.

Y/n: Liam! I love the gift, thank you so much. I can’t believe you remembered the Barbie suit! You’re the best.

Back in the VCARB garage, Liam felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Seeing Y/N's name pop up, he couldn't help the grin that spread across his face.

Liam: Of course, I remembered, I’m glad you liked it. You totally made my day with the Lightning McQueen stuff.

Y/n: You’re welcome :) And I’m still laughing at the shirt. Did you really make that yourself?

Liam: What can I say? I’m a man of many talents ;)

Y/n: Well, you did a great job. Might have to wear it to the paddock tomorrow

Liam: You wouldn't dare.

Y/n: Watch me, Lawson.

Liam chuckled softly as he pocketed his phone. The media team might not have captured it on camera, but he had a sneaking suspicion that today’s gift exchange was going to be a memorable one, not just for the fans, but for them, too. Meanwhile, Y/n leaned back against the wall of the Haas garage, a wide smile on her face as she looked at the keyring in her hand. Maybe the fans were onto something after all.

As the video aired a few days later, fans went wild with excitement. Twitter exploded with hashtags like #LiamAndY/n and #SecretSantaGoals. Everyone had seen the chemistry, and for once, Y/n and Liam couldn’t deny that maybe—just maybe—they weren’t so delusional after all.

[deepdreamnights]

More video tinkering with Vidu 1.5

Vidu hit 1.5 this morning for testing, which I get access to as part of the artist's program. While making raw material for a "Big Professor" project-

(Shown here to establish a 1.0 baseline)

-I nuked most of my credits, I've still got enough to try out the new features and give you all a rundown of them.

First major change is resolution options. Fast, 720, or 1080. Shown here is my first attempt at a 1080 gen, using the same prompt as above. While most vids in this post will be gifs for ease of use, this one is an MP4 to provide full evaluation.

Ignore the odd playback speed, since that's something you'd fix in post. The gif at the start was one of my most stable renderings of Big Professor under v1. Got some minor wonk in the details, little distortion around the prof's claw and the kid in the first half second, but otherwise well above the average of the 1.0 versions I've been working with, especially the clarity on the button text.

The second one is a re-run of the same prompt, minus some detail issues with one shin, the level of consistency is promising.

720 can go up to 8 seconds, 1080 tops off at 4. At present, 1.5 does not have an upscale function. If you're not tinkering to test out prompts I'd generally recommend 1080, even for lower-res projects, for the purposes of being able to crop and/pan.

For most of these, assume I'm using either 720 or 1080 gens.

Multi-Subject Reference-to-Video

THIS is the big winner of the setup. Previously, ref-to-video only could handle a single referenced subject image. The current setup now allows you to reference up to three per generation.

Those can be characters, props, or settings, and it can be used for morphing effects. This is good, because first-frame-last-frame is more finnicky than reference-to-video. The obvious use is to create multi-character scenes, and it works well for that:

But it has other uses. For example, here I used:

And while this one was reversed and trimmed, it displays the potential for using the feature for transformation sequences. The backgrounds are especially helpful, since Vidu's internally-generated toon backgrounds are very modern and digital-painting-looking (the gif of Mrs. Nice turning back and forth into Mrs. Nautilus at the top of the section didn't use a background image reference) and as always, I like it retro.

To that point, using the more comic-booky Mrs. Nice control drawing didn't work near as well as the more period-accurate one:

And while I'll personally be cutting out frames to produce a more accurate 1980s TV animation look, the raw fluidity is bound to appeal to the majority of users, and minor issues like the color of Mrs. Nice's blouse changing mid-transformation are easy enough to fix manually (though if a flaw looks enough like a traditional animation screwup, I might just leave it in)

And another fun feature? Movement amplitude control.

In my last post about it, I said Vidu likes to move, and if you need a more subtle shot, like this one, setting the movement amplitude control to small is your move. (Funny how the robot interpreted the book binding as a mouth.) If something's too static you can up the movement as well, but I haven't had that problem much.

In terms of generation quality, 1.5 is a good but not huge leap up from 1.0. at least in terms of what I've made so far. Aesthetics are very similar, but issues of tearing, distortion, and wonky action are lessened.

And it's way better at understanding triceratops, so thumbs up there.

This is one of my wonk-tests, but man, check that walk cycle. This is why the movement controls are important, sometimes when set to auto a dialog scene becomes a weird chase.

Now, in terms of generation costs (and this can always change), 1.5 seems more expensive but in the end it works out more or less the same.

A 1.0 quality 8-second gen upscaled to max res would be 24 points (16 for the quality 8-seconds, 8 for the upscale), and an 8-second 720 render is also 24 points (as is a 4-second 1080).

Yeah, you don't want to use "Fast" in most cases. While both the 720 and fast versions here both have flaws (Bruce's disappearing popcorn bucket, etc), the 720 res version is substantially more on-model for both characters.

To close out, a bit of fun wonk. To try out the effect, I prompted using a "Specialist Matt Trakker" G.I.Joe/M.A.S.K. crossover figure as a character reference, to see if it could translate a character from toy to live action. And it can-

Though it is very, very literal.

The combination of live action-esq person and accurate G.I.Joe joints is harrowing, but there's potential there for some wild variants on the Toy Story/A Christmas Toy/'Wynona's Big Brown Beaver'-Music-Video-by-Primus concept.

[gamerdog1]

Gangsta Anime Review

We all know the feeling of 'crunch'. Maybe its a school assignment that's due tomorrow, or a dinner that needs to be served in an hour. That feeling of dread, knowing that your creation needs more time and care, but won't get it because the clock is ticking, and a myriad of other factors. And in the end, the final product is okay, sure, but it could've been better, had it more time to flourish.

Gangsta, based on the manga of it's same name, is a 2015 anime by studio Manglobe, about a pair of mercenaries in a city of crime and debauchery, who clean up the messes that others can't handle. While the series has lofty expectations for itself, by the end of it's 12 episode run, it's clear that the anime could've been something special, if it wasn't such a rush job.

Gangsta's first and most glaring issue is it's desire to cram as much as it can into it's runtime. Like some other anime I've written about before, the series has an extensive lore, which it struggles to fit into such a short series in a meaningful way. At first, it seems pretty normal, but with side-plots about an amnesiac sex worker, a kid who works as a doctor, four warring crime families and their internal dramas, serial killers, and superhumans, it starts to get really crowded real fast.

That's not to say the story is by any means bad. In fact, many of the sub-plots and themes this anime touches on are quite interesting, like PTSD and xenophobia. The issue lies in it all happening at once, leaving little time for audiences like me to breathe, to understand what's going on, but most importantly, to care.

Any caring that audiences like me could be having is spread so thinly between the hundreds of characters and goings-on, that it's easy to just check out. I found myself doing other things while watching this anime,( which isn't very often, since I like to focus fully on the shows I'm watching), putting it on in the background while I knit or draw. The whole time, hoping that there'd be some big revelation that would shock me back into paying full attention, but it never came.

Its a shame, because the characters in this series are probably the best part of it. Worick and Nicolas, the main duo, have a fun dynamic, one that initially drew me into this series. They share a bond that goes deeper than the current plot, which gets revealed over the course of the series, and helps them feel like they actually want to work together.

There's also Alex, a sex worker whose boss is killed by the main duo, and works for them for the rest of the series. Most of the time, she feels like a bystander to the plot, only coming in to get endangered and needing saving, but her own conflicts give her a bit more time to develop. Still, what few connections she has to the plot never allow her to solve them, either being taken care of by the main characters, or never resolved at all. There was potential, to make her as important to the plot and involved in it as her male friends, but it seems this series was more concerned with jokes about her breasts than character development.

Where Alex fails as a compelling female character, there's Loretta, the teenage leader of a local mob family. Her story of inheriting her father's role, (while it is about as developed as nearly every other side story in this show), intrigued me, and makes me wish she had her own separate story. In a city of nightclubs and scantily-dressed women, she commands respect in a masculine way, taking charge over men who would otherwise belittle her, simply because of her gender. She is probably my favorite character.

Beyond characters, this anime is notable because of it's portrayal of disability. The main duo, Worick and Nicolas, are both disabled, (one having only one working eye, the other is deaf). In a setting as gritty as this, one might think that they'd be treated as lesser, but they're probably the most competent guys around. Most characters are pretty accommodating, and the series talks a lot about how disability affects the main duo.

The series never tries to 'fix' them in any way (like some others might), but instead shows how they (though far moreso Nicolas than Worick) deal with their disability. Nicolas uses Japanese Sign Language throughout the series, something which is taken in stride by his cohorts without many questions. Worick's missing eye is barely mentioned by other characters, but ties in heavily with his backstory, as well as Nicolas'. The duo's disabilities a part of them, but rarely hinder them, showing a surprisingly good portrayal for a series this intent on being gritty.

But in the end, this series is still a cramped story with way too much going on in way too short of a runtime. Maybe if Manglobe hadn't gone bankrupt, there would be a multi-season run of this anime, with enough time to fully explore it's characters and conflicts. With such a positive portrayal of deafness, its a shame that it never got it's time to fully bloom.

6/10

[cosmiclion]

An egg in the process of cracking 🥚

A design of younger Grell from my AU (she's about 20 here). I changed almost everything from her backstory since I first came up with this AU, notes (that I've been working on for months lol) under the cut.

(Also yes, I hid the hands behind the body because I didn't wanna draw them, don't mention it ☠️).

-Born in February 17th, 1863 in England, in this universe she's not a reaper but she's still not human.

-She's a werecat (I explored the concept for the first time in this post and I liked it so much that I ended up using it for my main AU). While werebeasts have a human form they are 100% nonhuman as the curse that turns someone into one fully alters their DNA. Adults are immune to the curse, which means if an adult gets bitten and survives they won't turn. However, cases of teenagers and younger surviving an attack aren't enough to properly determine up until which age a person can be affected. A child can also be born a werebeast as the curse can be passed to a fetus if a pregnant person gets bitten. The latter is Grell's case, as her mother got attacked during pregnancy.

-While she didn’t actually transform until her early teens, she did show feline traits from the beginning, such as a desire to hunt and chase small animals and moving objects, climbing trees or other structures, hiding in narrow spaces, etc.

-A homeschooled and pretty sheltered only child, with dead maternal grandparents, a dead father, an emotionally distant mother who eventually bailed on her and paternal grandparents who loved and spoiled her but didn’t really understand her on a deep level, Grell grew up angry and frustrated. She had always felt that something wasn't quite right with her, and when she slowly started to experiment to try to figure herself out she had no one to turn to. As a teenager she decided to just run away from home and leave everything behind. She knew she was leaving her grandparents to die alone but she didn’t care, she had never genuinely loved them anyway.

-She chose her own name AND surname, the first after a recurring comment by her German grandparents and the latter after a character from a book she liked.

-Struggles a lot with internalized misogyny thanks to a mix of her mother’s neglect and eventual abandonment and her grandparents only talking shit about said mother whenever they mentioned her, which greatly contributed to shape her views on motherhood and womanhood in general. Would love to have a child of her own but deep down that’s just because of her dysphoria, in reality she has very little patience for kids and is probably not the best parent material.

-Went through a phase of compulsive heterosexuality both when she thought she was a man and also after she realized she was a woman. Figuring out her orientation wasn’t any easier than figuring out her gender but she’s probably bi with a slight preference for men and masculinity in general.

-I still haven't come up with a story for what she does after leaving her home and before the main events, I only have some ideas. Like she's young when she goes out into the world, she's passionate and adventurous but also full of pent up anger. Also there's the small issue of her being a beast with a huge prey drive, being a trans girl in the middle of self discovery is harder when you're also learning about and trying to gain control of (or at least cope with) your literal wild side ☠️ I know that werebeasts' main driving force is hunger, and the longer they go without eating the more they revert back to a feral state. I'm tempted to make her go the serial killer route but in this case she doesn't have much control of her actions 🫢

-Her werecat form is based on a maine coon. When she first starts showing signs of therianthropy she doesn’t have much control of it, and transforming and becoming that big and rough looking makes her more dysphoric (even more so because “male” maine coons are bigger). Over time she starts accepting it and, as she discovers how powerful it makes her and all the things she can do with it and gains control of it, she fully embraces it as an important part of her.

-The only part of her feline form she cannot hide in human form are the teeth, no matter the form she takes she always has sharp fangs. This is a common trait of all werebeasts, some of them are self conscious about it and avoid smiling or opening their mouth at all while others are proud of it and will take any opportunity to flash their teeth at anyone (guess which one is Grell’s case lmao).

[yuseirra]

This is a little commentary about what I've been drawing recently:

Thanks for reading my series of comic lately 'v')♥ I mean this one. I'm really happy when I see some familiar names who keep up with the updates(I feel so motivated to try harder because of you guys!) and engagement from the new people too. It really, really makes me excited and uplifted~

I started drawing this upon the thought that the character would do what she'd do in that story if things were to be happy and she could've reconciled. With the guy she loved just having grown up the way he was when they first met. I mean he wasn't bad when he was small!! He was kind and helped her out before she came to really care for him(what happened to that guy??? What's with the writing??). I pictured this happening really well? It felt so natural. If they really could reconcile I picture this being one of the likely scenarios that can happen! So this started as a "what if" sceanrio, with it being something fluffy and wholesome, lighthearted, it was just going to end in 3 or 4 eps with the happiest day-to-day moments. That was what I initially planned, the way I draw these little comic strips time to time, it was just one of those(and it is still, in a way! :) I care about all my fanworks.)

But then.. There was a turning point. I had an inquiry that the characters looked a little thoughtless and that was SO FAR from how I interpret them as!! And besides, these characters have faced some very serious events in their lives right? And it's what's shaped them and hurt them in a lot of ways. I didn't want to dismiss that, since that's something that existed. Those needed to be touched in order for things to be... Really, completely, fully happy the way I felt it should be. With that being said, what I want to convey would be that although there may be scars that are left that cannot be "erased" or wiped clean like it never happened in the first place, you still can live a life as normal"(what is normal to begin with, anyway, but we want to be/have that. A life that flows on with little pain and worry) and happy and even happier than anyone, be so fulfilled afterwards.

...Because those two characters especially, they struggled and suffered so much from the abuses they had that wasn't their fault. That's what abuse does to people, it's so unfair, especially when it's done to kids who have no power to protect or fight back. People tend to internalize the pains they received as kids and blame themselves for it, and it's very sad. This piece displayed that part of the situation very well but did they ever truly heal from it? I don't think they were really allowed to till the end?

So I wanted to tackle that and attend to some of the things that hurt them. With that all having some sort of closure one way or the other, I'm sure nothing would hold them back or linger as a trauma that's never healed onwards. There'd be flashbacks, the pain, but it'd never be a factor to define them anymore, would it? It's really important to tend to the wound, I personally feel the nature of it's similar to having physical pain. Like having a nail stuck within your flesh? Sometimes you may have to cut it open, take it out and apply medicine to it, and of course, sometimes it may be even more complicated than that because you can't see the cause that's making you suffer in a clear sense. A lot of the times, it gets even worse when you take action so it's really up to you to make a decision. Things are never so ideal. It's usually never something you can forget about and get it over with, you may never be satisfied with the outcome.

I can't say that my takes would be the best, nor be so insightful, I just...Chose to dive in because I thought it would be necessary and essential for the plot and I'm thinking about it afterwards. Still, I would like to say I am taking it seriously and I knew it'd be really tough.. I knew it would be, I just hopped in though. This is making me think a lot o<-< hikaru's case was painful but it was really evident of what should happen as an aftermath so I had a clear idea from the beginning. So on that regard, I always knew how I'd illustrate it if there were to be some sort of confrontation. For Ai's case, I think there may not be a definite answer for this one. And now I decided to work with that too...(but she deserves it! She needs her spotlight!!) I spent time reading interviews and watching videos about this subject yesterday and wow, it's so hard and difficult. I do have my stance on this subject though, and I think what I draw will not stray so far off from it. It's not something that I suddenly just started getting interested in the past week or something. I cannot say if I'm as thoughtful enough to handle this well and the fancomic's going to be simple and short, the original piece isn't mine to begin with and there are a lot of loose things and what's left undescribed and I don't know about these characters as well as the authors themselves so I get afraid about being inaccurate but-

Whatever I come up with, I hope it doesn't come off in a way that'd come off as ignorant towards people's pains. That's what I really care about.

It'd be nice if..people can feel a bit happier and feel a sense of warmth from my pieces. That's the feeling I want to send through this particular set of comic, it's been really healing for me myself. Healing doesn't come from ignorance and dodging things, I believe, I did have my sets of disappointment and sadness too and things just don't magically become well. What I actually learned, in fact, is that, people don't work the way you want them to be. The mean ones cannot change because you want them to, you can't expect them to turn a new leaf upon you asking. People decide to change when something happens to them that makes them feel a need to and that's different for everyone. But it's still liberating and free to have some sort of closure for yourself and have you take the control back of your own emotions. So that's what's important and you deserve to be free, you deserve to be happy regardless of the situation and outcome, there's always going to be things outside that pain that isn't one. If you have ones to support you and who really love you, you'll be okay. More than just okay, you'll thrive. So...I really wish people can find someone like that, feel that way about yourself even if you're alone. I wanted that to happen for Ai... It's about her. And her loved ones, her boyfriend too, I wanted to give that to them as well(this comic is SO CRUEL!! I can't stand seeing bad things happening to nice people maybe? That hurts to see!!)

Yep, that's some of the thought processes I had/am having as I write and draw out my works. Not just this one, but I feel like it's something I wanted to send out for every series I draw about. It's my way of sending out love. Everyone gets in a tough spot time to time, but you'll make it out. I hope that feeling gets sent to you and that it'll make you smile. I wish you well!

[zannolin]

11, 30, and 12 :)

hi alex!!

11. a WIP you’d like to finish someday

god. all of them. ones i have actually STARTED wise, definitely the byler tsr au (i swear i AM working on it it's just like. the motivation is lowwwww and it feels like i'm the only one who cares so i can just take my sweet time. and then narnia has me in a chokehold. so.) and the current narnia one i'm working on, which is my dawn treader fixit. not to be confused with the reverse dawn treader au, though i would also like to finish that if you can call it a wip when i haven't written anything officially besides one (1) scene. and the caspeter dreams au which....i also have not started writing. lord. so much to write.

12. a trope you’re really into right now

uuummmm. what tropes AM i really into right now. i stg every time an ask game has a trope question i pull a blank. just the usual gratuitous hurt/comfort i guess? fell first/fell harder? the pining is mutual they're just idiots? character a being hurt and bad at letting people take care of them and character b saying "let me help. please."? points at my caspeter fics. that. i'm really into that.

30. share a fic you’re especially proud of

i won't lie i'm kind of in love with everything i've written for narnia. it was the same with beyonders and national treasure in the sense that i adore writing for media i've been into since i was a kid because i feel like all those years revisiting it have sort of calcified the worlds in my brain and i have all this internalized knowledge to draw upon that renders my fics much richer and more grounded in the text than something i got into like a month ago. <- jesus christ WHAT am i saying. can you tell i've been working on papers and shit today. good lord.

anyway. it's just like falling snow, my susanfic, wild blue yonder, my narnia wing au slash fixit, and north of desire, my canonverse caspeter, are my favorites and ones i am deeply, deeply proud of. i think the susanfic was everything i wanted a narnia fic to be and really kicked off all my fun lore headcanons and gave me a really good idea of how i view various characters/dynamics that informed how i write the rest of my fics. wild blue yonder i simply cannot shut up about it's THE fic to me, most self indulgent au of all time and i love how i wrote the development and the grief and the growth and the hope. you know. and north of desire is just insane. so.

ah fuck and brother's keeper— no okay just all of them. all the. yeah. all the narnia fics. fuck.

fic writer asks!!

[vampiricfuckass]

kicking my legs and giggling like the beastie i am. vampire communities are usually tied in some way to otherkin and therian communities. these sorts of things evolved in different spaces --otherkin popularized by elves, therians by werewolves, and of course the dragons had their own thing going on -- but they generally all go to articulate the experience of distance from what is traditionally human. not sure if your blood is an interest, a kink, a pivotal part of your sense of self, or a bit of all three, but your post was interesting to me, given the context of your blog. Hope you do not mind us elaborating so much.

best wishes !

The blood thing is strange and I've felt a draw to it since I was young. I have a few memories of wanting to ingest it off cuts and wounds from people around me getting hurt, but it wasn't until my first gf that I had a chance to explore it. She would sh, and eventually asked me to bring it to the bedroom, I obliged and enjoyed it way more then I thought I would. It wasn't just the blood, but the trust, energy and overlap with food that hit me. It eventually started to morph into something I would do just to feed from her thighs, the sex was just an afterthought, Later I'd be fascinated by my own and end up tearing myself apart just to feel beautiful, but that's ebbed and flowed over the years.

I ended up falling into/developing a magickal practice over the years, preforming workings with the infernals and all the usual shenanigans (re: using my own blood in rituals as a spell component) that eventually evolved into energy work. Work that felt neutered compared to consuming energy directly.

Somewhere along the line I fell into a more sterotypical gothy appearance, and made some friends. I've been a creature of the night for years now, and just fell into campy vamp shenanigans and appearance. They just feel right, y'know? Idk, maybe it's my way of trying to convey this internal experience to the exterior. Idk.

I never really considered myself a vampire, just someone with a need for others energy to keep me going. I have a good sized friend group, a list of lovers that I don't like to admit and am always with at least one person. Alone I feel lethargic, but with someone with the right vibes I can live, even more so if I can feed.

I'm not actually sure why I made this blog, maybe I just needed a place to vent. But lately I've been experimenting with animal blood and it's become a bit of an obsession and opened a bunch of new doors for me. My current project is trying to figure out how to make a blood/espresso coffee work with the help of my current donor/gf (with barista experience!). They're leading a kitchen in our area, so we're workshopping stuff right now. I'm just happy I can feed more even if it's not nearly as nourishing, ritualized, sexual or messy. But it's safer and less damaging to our bodies, so that's nice?

I'm at an interesting point in my life where I have language and resources to dig into shit (even if some of them are on archives or dead forums. I feel like that kid from The Transfiguration rn lol

/wall of text

[ma-chi1993]

💌🍭🤍🎀🌈

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

There's this fic that it's already finished that it's a 15k long one that I can't wait to post. It's st in the uchrony i created for the 2ps, a sort of au. I'm really excited to make it see the light after weeks, I think i did a good job with 2p!France and his characterization, i'm really proud.

🍭why did you start writing?

At the cost of sounding crazy, I just had too many ideas in my head, I needed to let them out in some way or another. I can't draw for shit, but I realize that I'm pretty decent at writing so I kept goign with that. I've been writing since I was 11, my first fic was about a boyband called Blue and inspired by the videogame Rule of Rose lmao. I've started writing more seriously after I got in Naruto.

🤍what's one fic of yours you think people didn't "get"?

It's more a "I don't think they would get it": it's the series I've made on the 2p. The reason why I didn't translate it it's because I fear people in the international fandom wouldn't appreciate a uchrony, despite tht fact that I know the 2p are more "famous" in the international fandom than in the italian one. I really don't have the strength to deal with weird discourse tbh.

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing

Oh lord.

I'm really good at writing emotions I guess?

🌈is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

The amount of research I'm doing for the FraIta one. I'm not kidding when I say I could do an exam about the Congress of Paris in 1856 by now. I never expected that I would stick with the historical context so much tbh. The scene I'm currently writing it's so hard to put down because I didn't manage to find a chronological order of the meetings of the congress, so I have to create an order of my own. I wish it was easier lol

[theinsanecrayonbox]

a couple Sister RElocation ideas

not in any real order i guess...

Roxy and Chica drag Lols and Bonnet to the salon for a girl's night. they talk about stuff, like "can you be haunted by a ghost you never met" when Lols comments about the cowboy Foxy cutouts and draws comparisons to the loss of Vixx at her old pizzaria. Bonnet is just thrilled to be included. inversely, Freddy goes and knocks on Monty's door with "so the girls are having a girls' night, i figured maybe we could-" and Monty just nopes and slams the door in his face.

Bonnet feeling lonely in Bonnie Bowl's diner, because no one comes to see her. she often sneaks out to the Daycare Theater and plays on the stage; Sunny starts to notice and gets her to talk about missing her brother and the others. he debates telling Lols about this, but eventually slips her a note, so she does go and sees Bonnet, and the two kinda bond a little.

Bon-Bon might get renamed to Bonneo...like a variant on Bonnet...maybe they first performed Romeo and Juliet at their theater (Punch and Judy styled maybe??) and thus they were named as such? kinda makes sense, since i've renamed most of the other Funrocks (Golddy being a Freddy, Vixx being Foxy, been referring to Baby as "Ell" recently...)

Lols and Bonnet having weird "sleep schedules" at first, because their internals are still set to GMT. mainly they're active with primary tasks at night, and are in a more passive mode during the day. it gets fixed, but it's one of the earlier Loligator moments when he catches Lols roaming at night and understands their restlessness.

also similarly, they both still have the EU criminal data base references installed in them...you know, like how the toys had facial recognition to catch criminals, surely the Glamrocks should too. anyways, one time Lols caught sight of some guy that was on the EU lists but not the American ones, and went into attack mode which caused a minor scandal cause the attack seemed "unprovoked' but once they figured out what caused it, a statement was released to the public explaining it and that they'd be upgrading their systems for international safety...but really this is what made the techs finally reset the Funrocks internals to US-standard settings fully.

Lols hates going to the Diner because of the Baby-bot; they go to see Bonnet, but usually doesn't stay long, getting her to leave quickly. (Bonnet also is unnerved by the bot to a degree). one visit though, after something particularly triggering happened, they go there and Bonnet isn't there, so they kind of snap and go feral on the Baby-bot. the commotion earns the attention of the security guard and several nearby animatronics, including Monty. gator boi is first on the scene, sees the carnage, and tells Lols to just go and he'll take the wrap for this, since they expect this from him and if they get caught there'll be real consequences.

Monty gets knocked off the catwalks right before a show and broken in half; this distresses Lols out because this is the first time it's happened since the Funrocks arrived to the Pizza Plex i guess. but what's more distressing is they shove the bass into their hands (since Monty had been giving bass lessons) and tells them to just mimic playing for the show tonight because it's too late to cancel it now. it works well enough. Lols is there in parts and service when Monty wakes up though and tells him everything.

(Lilbit section of the AU) Chica trying to feed Lilbit pizza; the kids being "you can't feed a baby pizza!" and Chica being "but babies love pizza" and yeah it's a robot baby, so debating that...Gregory waving the pizza slice around, so Lilbit chomps on it and his finger (all gator like heehee) and he yelps. finally Lols comes in and settles it going "no she shouldn't have pizza because she's too small for a proper filtration system to be installed". and Greg will be fine.

[dancingstickman]

Websites and Trailers and Art, Oh My!

Thanks, all, for getting started with me here at Dancing Stickman. I'm so psyched to announce that the Oops, All Witches website and trailer are live, with character art from our very own Tegan Mack!

Tegan plays Emmett, our Coven of the Heart witch, a 12 year-old ragamuffin urchin running the local orphanage-operating Abbess ragged with her crew of street kids. It just so happens that I've known Tegan since she was 12, and she has drawn stuff literally every day that I've known her. She's been drawing for much longer, 15 years straight, which is what her mom told me when I was texting her to say how talented her daughter is. This character art on the website is from the series poster. Tegan drew the rough sketch for the poster art for me on screen share and I'm so absolutely psyched for her finals (and character portraits! and monster art!) that I'm going full auntie-mode in the newsletter and on Tumblr to brag about her. I gotta do this for all my witches.

Keep an eye out, because next week I'll be sending out the poster art from Tegan as well as the Oops, All Witches playlist. When the podcast drops on March 10, you'll be getting the first game, which has been cut into four published episodes, all at once. We played a four-game campaign over four days, but I'm cutting each game down into 45-75 minute parts to keep the listening commitment per published episode a little easier on you, lovely audience. When we launch, you'll be getting all four parts of the first game, Episode 1: A Discovery of Witches. Then I'm releasing them bit by bit on a biweekly schedule, starting with Episode 2: Something Wicked This Way Comes Part One. Because that's how marketers keep all y'all in the audience along for the ride. I've got ✨BoCo✨ too, which I will also be doling out in dribs and drabs so that I may lure you to my hut. So stick with us via the newsletter or on Patreon!

Also, as long as you're on the website, tell your friends! There's a whole social bar with all the links for sharing on the few social platforms I don't have a dealbreaking moral problem with. Dancing Stickman is on Bluesky, YouTube, Patreon, and Tumblr. If you're on X, IG/Threads/FB, or TikTok, I've got nothing for you and I'd actually prefer you not share on those platforms, because I didn't make this podcast for the fascists who lurk there and the corporations that enable them. I'm currently internally debating the YouTube presence. Exactly how much do I want to shoot my reach in the foot? It's still TBD.

Alright, that's it for this week! Maybe next week I'll brag about Ash, our Coven of the Claw witch who's literally a published and world-renowned expert on games.

[scarlettoceaneyes]

My light- Embry Call fanfic

Chapter 3-Emily

Trigger warning: anxiety, depression, mention of suicidal thoughts

Finally, the plane landed and I received my bags. Luckily, my flight was short enough to get to Seattle before too late to see anyone when I finally arrived in La Push. As I came outside the airport I saw him. Boy did the last nine months treat him well. Embry's face lit into his sweet smile and his arms engulfed me in a huge hug. I was shocked since he was never alone to pick me up, and this sudden hug without the awkward shuffling beforehand was new. He grew a lot but next to my 5 feet 5 inches, it seemed so much more. He also looked less like a scrawny kid and more like an adult. He turned 18 in February and graduated this year with Quil and Jake. I was unable to get to experience the party, however Quil drunk texted me the whole night about it. Let's say that I almost booked a flight that night just to kill him for it too.

"Hi"

"Hi" okay we're back to awkward. Embry took my bags without further words and loaded them into his trunk.

"New car?" I asked. "Nah, Jake's latest project. He thought Seattle would be the perfect test drive since the weather has less of a chance of getting bad this late into the year." Wow seems like Jake and Billy were putting their plan into motion early. I wouldn't have even thought of this one, and I am usually the coniving one. We must watch too many movies because I can see how this will go.

True to my thoughts the car broke down right when we passed the La Push territory line. As the sun set Embry looped his arm through mine and we started to walk to Billy's. It was about two miles and we had time. The arm thing was something we have done since we were kids. Conversations come naturally after the award hellos. We caught up on the ride here and now we are discussing our plans for the summer.

"So big bonfire and all, then Quil claims he will finally teach you to surf. I won't let him dunk you though. Mostly because I'll have to hold you back from killing him and I swear you see red and become the hulk. (This made me erupt in giggles.) Jake is arguing with Billy about what to get you to bake first. The whole rez is planning on ordering something from the bakery just to get your cakes again. Oh and mom said hello and to keep me out of trouble this summer for once." At that comment I stopped and inquired about her and him. He was having a rough patch with her over his father. "I mean you want to know your parents right? Speaking of why haven't I met them?"

And there it was. I've been trying to avoid this for years. "Embry, you know my adopted family travels and I am still not wanting to ask about my birth family. You know I think if you want to know your dad then your mom should tell you. It is why we are best friends." We went over this conversation a million times before, but it seems that his mom won't give in and tell him the truth about his dad. To me it seems like the truth either is so ugly like my own parent's truth that it would kill him, or that it is someone close to him or even far away. Possibly.. his mom doesn't know?

I remember the first summer I came to stay at Billy's. It was the age Embry learned from kindergarten that he didn't know his dad after seeing the other dads for special parties. There was a project where he had to draw his family tree and he could only complete half. It seems that broke him the most to this day that he never had the opportunity to know the other half of his heritage. When he met me and realized I never knew my birth parents, we stuck together, glued from the emotional trauma we battled internally. We became each other's best friend because ultimately that was the beginning of our commonalities.

Everything else fell in line. It was as if fate brought us together to help us both survive life. Embry was always there even when I wasn't in La Push. A text or call away, constant check ins for my depression and anxiety, making sure I remember to eat and sleep or not over sleep. He took that on, much to my guilt, as he stated he felt like he knew how I felt because he felt those emotions too. He claimed he wanted to be there for me because I was for him, but if you have anxiety you feel the guilt that is not always the truth, but your brain lying to you. There is so much more Embry has done. We agree that only each other seem to understand our emotions and thoughts about life. I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for him.

I might not be alive if it wasn't for him. The depression can turn my days very dark. It seems like not waking up tomorrow is a better option. He felt the same. Together we scream Twenty One Pilots "Stay alive, stay alive for me". One day we said we would get matching tattoos. For five year old kids, these emotions were foreign and hard to handle based on our parents. As teenagers, it became unbearable. He kept me alive.

Beyond the major crush I had on him, the hardest part of the friend zone is knowing that one question of the truth of one's feelings for another could destroy the 13 summers they have spent in an instant. Was it worth losing him just to claim him romantically? The feelings I have been harboring were more than romance. It was as if he drew me in with every breath because honestly I could only breathe air near him. When he isn't here, I hold my breath and fake it until he shows up again. One side tells me that can't be healthy, the other says there is a reason for all these things in my life that I am not aware of yet. I'm not a quitter, even until that brings the death of me literally or metaphorically. I want to know the reason I am tortured by this feeling. I want to know if Embry feels the same more than I want to know what this all is. If he feels it too, I wouldn't care what emotion I am drowning in, as long as he holds my hand through it like he has since we were five.

I know it sounds like I am crazy and some mental head case. I think fate brings you people who light the path for who you are. Being adopted brings a lot of questions of purpose and meaning, but he picked up every piece willingly with a smile. Always holding his hand out to grab mine or wrap me in a hug. No one else understood our moments, but we did. I would be having a mini anxiety attack inside but outside I was calm. He knew, he always knew and came running to calm me. I don't understand how or why, but fate put him here for more than a school girl crush. I am afraid to lose him, but I know I'll never be happy just being a friend. Apparently La Push knows it too..

[horizon-forbidden-sheesh]

Writing Process: Preamble

*Ahem* SO! I was recently honored with a question about my organization process for writing. And, boy howdy, am I just tickled pink to tell you! I've never felt so seen!! Let's do this thing.

Let me start by sharing that IRL, I'm a copywriter/project manager for print & digital design work. So when I started writing my first-ever fic, I organized it much in the same way I would a website build.

But tbh, when I started The Marshal, I didn't really know I was writing a fic. In fact, I was only working through my typical video game process. In that I'm extremely anal note-taker, and it's just the way I live my regular-degular life. All my books are annotated to the Nth, I’ve been keeping a (rather inconsistent) diary since I was 17, and I’m a religious bullet journal-er with very specific journal preferences (grid paper, always).

My practice of video game note-taking goes all the way back to drawing maps of Luigi's Mansion as a kid to try and optimize my speed runs, and progresses into tracking daily decisions for BG3. I’ve also got entire pages in my bullet journal dedicated to developing backstories for all my Cult of the Lamb cult members, and my Notes app has several installments of history & lore from various Civ V games. It’s simply how I prefer to play.

(Side note: No, I am not technically diagnosed with anything. Yes, I have found myself in repetitive, furious spirals, tearing out pages of my notebook over-and-over when the map I HAD to draw in pen was not 'perfect.' 💁🏻Is this OCD?🦋 Who knows. Who cares.)

Game Timelines have always fascinated me, pretty much since Ocarina of Time. I want to know how exactly long something took, what order it happened in, and whether it's technically 'feasible' within the parameters of the game. Peep my post about 'realistic' gameplay for more deets.

Mostly, I was trying to track where I 'camped' each night, because it was SUPER IMPORTANT that the events of the game took place within the ~3 month timeline GAIA sets before the environment collapses (super casual). So, the notes from my first play-through looked like this.

And then I met Kotallo.

And I started drafting journal entries from Aloy's POV to explore the internal monologue behind all those ✨faces✨ she was making.

(These ones. Infinite credit to @Diviner-Alva for doing the LORDT'S WORK.)

They looked like this:

If you've read 'The Marshal,' you'll notice some similarities.

After a few weeks of gameplay, I was pushing 20k words in 'journal entries,' and it just... wasn't cutting it. That was around the time I knew I had an bona fide obsession on my hands.

Writing exclusively in Aloy's POV left out SO MUCH OF THE STORY that was developing in my li'l head alongside my gameplay. I was imagining a whole burgeoning, slowburn romance as I picked my way across the Forbidden West. It mirrored the side quests (That Talanah convo??) and overall themes of HFW perfectly. (Also, um, the consistent controller rumble during the Scorcher cut scene?? Like, WTF? You're telling me Geurrilla didn't know EXACTLY what they were doing? Pfft.)

I can't tell you when exactly I finally took to the internet to feed my hyperfixation, but let me tell you that it was my first time discovering Ao3, and I spent the summer of 2022 devouring every fic in the Aloy/Kotallo tag. I felt like I had finally found my people. It even worked for a while! But the story playing in my head didn't exactly match any of the stories 1:1, and I realized after a while that no one else could write MY headcanon.

Still, there's a TON of overlap in a few of them: Medicine by HIMLuv is by far the closest, and my personal fave. I love basically everything Garbage_Dono has written. Obviously, I've developed a massive crush on Pikapeppa. (How does she do it so FAST? *awe, amazement, un poco envy*) There are some truly incredible writers out there, and I'm genuinely grateful to every one of them for creating a foundation that gave me the permission I needed to finally fucking WRITE. I denied myself fanfic for probably 20 years, imagining all the ways I would be ruthlessly mocked if anyone ever found out. I've had a-lot-a-lot of shame blocks to work through as I've been writing over the past year, and this story about opening up and trusting others feels deeply personal in a way I can't quite put into words.

That's how I made the decision to begin adapting the journal entries into a more organized fic. So, I started my second play-though and created this account around that time. It would be probably be another ~6 months before I got drunk enough to just press 'publish' on the first chapter in April of this year, over a year after the game came out.

Every other reference tool I've made, I created along the way. I intended to post more of them here on tumblr, but hey. Life Happens.™ And even tho it feels like the fandom had moved on post-DLC, there's still pleeeeenty of time. 😘

Anyway, I'm gonna clip this here, and get more into the weeds on organizational tools in another post. But it felt like I needed to talk about this first, because when I started really writing in the Fall of 2022, I already had a lotta documents under my belt that I needed to wrangle.

If you got to this point, thanks for reading this entirely self-indulgent post.

xo, Sheesh. 🖤