#been thinking obsessively how a dream can come true almost unnoticeably

[smimon]

Something something hope confirmed something something I had no faith but kept going only to succeed in the most unexpected moment something something I was about to continue anyway but if I lose both the faith and the hope in the future, I should remember this one time it worked

This is a post about my creative process and it is very personal to me but it might be difficult to understand because I am not good with words and it is basically the very point here

So yeah many of the comics I make come from my need to communicate certain messages, and I am very bad at communication so it usually doesn't work.

I look at the "failed" stories and save them for later, hoping to perfect them when I have more skill, but in the meantime I recycle the same motif in a new story.

New fandom, new characters, new setting, new tone, new genre, same heart, same me.

And I keep adding them, rows of iterations of the same message dressed in new clothes like character skins in video games. And I keep thinking: I will return to you all and complete you all in the future, and this way my message will be heard, it will be heard in many voices until it maybe gets to someone.

Then something unexpected happened with giant K series. I explained it somewhere, this series is based on a kind of motif I have been using for years, every few years a new retelling, new layout, new skin, but at core always the same.

(How to explain it? It is a silly comedy series, but at the same time it can be a reflection of a strained mind, silenced heart, confused soul. I don't have the right words yet.)

And this time, for the first time ever, it worked. I managed to start posting it, I managed to complete the plot, I managed to make it consistent, whole, harmonic.

And I almost dropped the series soon after it started, ready to put it among its ancestors to wait forever for a revival. But a friend encouraged me to keep going, and after The Post I managed to regain faith in it myself. And then, just recently, I realized that I did in fact manage to tell the story. I alreay told it. This did not change much in the world, but it changed a lot in myself.

And I started to think that maybe I couldn't complete the message before because I didn't have the right material, not enough building bricks that could fit together to form the shape of my thought. And maybe I will never get to complete the other variants of this motif, because the tools I have used constructing them were not the right ones. It was always trial and error, and I am lucky to have somehow landed a way that worked.

(I can still use the plots built around the older takes to tell stories to entertain so it's not like they are useless or something. Also I love them dearly and will never leave them)

I don't know, I am just so happy this lil series got to exist, and that it brings people joy. It brings something else to me too, something I cannot exactly express with words. I might make another comic about it one day lol

[an-ambivalent]

Love From Afar [Oikawa Tooru] [Reader-Insert]

She was in love with him.

She had been for years.

She was with him since childhood, and she had watched every moment that really mattered--the moments where there was no facade to conceal his emotions--the moments where the true emotions of Oikawa Tooru shown through.

For most of her life, [Name] was nothing but a background character, an unnoticeable and faceless person. She was always part of the shadows, gazing up high at the burning, and almost blinding sun in desperate hopes that a part of it would shine on her, and expose her to its warmth and light. In this case, the sun was Oikawa Tooru.

She recalled when they were in kindergarten; she was hiding behind the giant sand castle that she had built, and she was was observing the a group of loud boys that were causing a ruckus. They were playing pirates. When the small [Name] of that time caught sight of a small brunet, her innocent and big childish eyes had widened slightly. He was dressed in a lilac purple shirt, and dark green shorts that looked really hideous with the pretty shirt. His outfit was NOT cute, however, the boy was. His beige brown eyes were beaming with joy and he was laughing without a care in the world. He was cute, and looking at him made the five-years-old [Name]’s heart skipped a beat, and her cheeks to become pink.

That was the moment of her first crush.

From that point, unbeknownst to Oikawa Tooru, him and [Name] transitioned into the same primary school. Between them, nothing really happened. Oikawa and [Name] shared a few classes in some years, and as a npc, she watched him as he made new friends, and began to fall in love with his new profound passion -- volleyball. Endlessly, she wished she could befriend him and play with him. And that is all she did -- wish. Nothing really happened, except for that one event where he defended her from a group of bullies. He was the only one who stood up for her. Although, this was really by an accident, [Name] still held onto it.

After defending her, he had held his hand out to her, and gave her a very sweet smile. The burning sun that was blinding her, Oikawa’s big head shielded her eyes from its rays. That moment was a cliche out of a cheesy film; the sun acted as his soft backlighting which made him look angelic. [Name]’s eyes were wide, and a few dry tears stained her cheeks. A blush began to spread across her face, and she felt butterflies beginning to flutter in her stomach. Shyly, she grabbed his hand and he helped her up.

“I hope you’re okay,” He said, and he looked at her with worried eyes.

[Name] opened her mouth to reply, however before she could, one of Oikawa’s friends, called out to him from a distance.

“Uh, sorry I have to go! But don’t be afraid of anything, okay?” He said smiling, before he waved at her, and ran off.

His words engraved themselves deeply in [Name]’s heart, and without uttering a single word, she waved at him.

In that moment, [Name]’s heart skipped not one, but a few times. Her crush had manifested into a liking.

[Name] held onto the words that Oikawa had told her: don’t be afraid of anything. These words inspired her to be courageous and by the time junior high came around, she was determined to befriend him, and break out of her shy shell. She had signed up to become the manager of Kitagawa Daiichi’s boys volleyball team. The players were excited to have a cute girl manager, and were instantly befriending her. Amongst them, Oikawa also introduced himself to her, and it stung because he treated her as if that was the first time they had met. However, [Name] forced herself to get over it quickly, and focused on the present instead. She planned to give it her all. But unfortunately, life had other plans.

Due to the crisis in her personal life, she could barely attend any of her team’s practices and help them. Her presence was rare enough that they might as well have had no manager at all. However, she did successfully make it to some, and those practices were the moments she would never forget.

It was Oikawa Tooru. His facade was dropped and his publicity was stripped away. The moment was raw and filled with just so much. Sweat dripped from his forehead, as he was hunched over and leaning against his hands on his knees. He was breathing heavily, and his eyes were focused on one spot in so much concentration that they appeared to be lifeless. [Name]’s eyes widened, and her breath almost left her in amazement when Oikawa grabbed another ball, tossed it up high, and jumped to serve it really accurately. However, just as the brunet landed on his feet, he screamed out in pain, and fell to his knees. This snapped [Name] out of her trance, and she gasped in surprise, and rushed over to Oikawa’s fallen form in order to help him.

He cried out in pain and tried to pull away from [Name]’s grip. However, the [h/c] female kept a stern grip on him. She had one of his arms slung over her shoulders, and she had wrapped an arm around his waist in order to support his weight. However, Oikawa was much larger and heavier than her, so she found it to be extremely difficult to help him stand. That was until another person supported Oikawa’s other side, and they were much more stronger than [Name]. With their help, they manage to successfully share Oikawa’s weight, and help him up.

“Thanks,” [Name] said, and her eyes flickered to see that it was Iwaizumi Hajime who had helped her.

The male nodded at her in acknowledgement.

“I should be saying that to you,” He said bluntly, before his gaze shifted to Oikawa, who was silently crying. Iwaizumi felt his chest clench in a mixture of emotions. He felt remorse and sympathy for Oikawa but, his strongest emotion was anger.

“What the hell were you thinking?!” He barked, and his eyebrows furrowed in fury. He, and [Name] began to lead Oikawa outside the gym. The [h/c] female kept quiet and silently listened as Iwaizumi Hajime bellowed in anger at Oikawa’s idiocy out of concern for him.

He was caring, and [Name] noticed that for him to get away with screaming at Oikawa’s face, no matter how right he might’ve been, they had to be close.

It made her want to be that close to Oikawa too. However, on that day, the most important thing that [Name] learned was the type of person that Oikawa Tooru was. He was extremely passionate and obsessive. He had a dream, a big, big dream and it may have been out of reach. However, he held onto it tightly to the point where he was willing to ruin himself over it. And if it was one thing that [Name] knew, it was that the bigger they dream, the greater the disappointment they would feel upon failure. This was inevitable because everyone strived to achieve some sort of ambitions, no matter how small they were. The only variable that a person can control is how great the disappointment would be, and how it would impact them.

For someone as determined as Oikawa Tooru, who left little to no room for failure, who just poured and poured his entire being into one passion, there were two outcomes. Success would fulfill him, and failure would destroy him.

Unluckily, he was left to be nothing but a broken shell.

From a young age, [Name]’s mother drilled one very important lesson in her head. She told her, “you cannot play god. You can only truly help someone, if they first help themselves.”

Oikawa’s road did not lead to recovery. It lead to self-destruction.

When Oikawa finally realized how [Name] felt for him, he approached her about it. His eyes were blank and yet they were filled with desperation. She read him like a book, and she knew that he had come to her in hopes to find a new light to obsess over. In this state of mind, he was not going to love her. He was going to destroy the both of them. He was nothing but a ticking time bomb.

“I’m sorry,” [Name] uttered, as she bowed, and tears were beginning to stream down her cheeks. “I love you but I can’t let you hurt me. I’m sorry Oikawa, but I can’t accept your feelings.”

Masterpost |  Request Rules

[averyonelovesjack]

waiting for ~jack avery

requested: yes

would you mind to write about being best friends with jack since birth but the reader doesn’t know how to tell him but they end up together?

summary: you’ve come to live with your best friend jack for the summer and some secrets are revealed between the two of you

warning(s): cursing, haven’t had a chance to proofread yet! my bad. i just wanted to post it:))

word count: 2133

A wide smile appeared on my face as my eyes scavenged the crowded LAX in search of my best friend of eighteen years. I couldn’t help but squeal a little as i made eye contact with the curly haired boy of my dreams. He had the widest smile on his face and i looked towards his nose ring that flickered upwards that gave me a hint that he was happy. My legs moved faster than ever before as I dodged all sorts of people coming in my direction and leaped into Jack Avery’s arms, dropping my bags at his side.

A warm shock was sent through my body as my heart nearly exploded with happiness, Jack’s arms wrapping tightly around my frail body as my legs wrapped around his waist. I heard the small laughs that I’d loved ever since I was a little girl and I knew that I was safest right here, in his arms. A couple moments later, Jack squeezed my body hard and then set me down so that my short frame was standing in front of the boy that I had loved since I was fifteen years old. 

He reached in for another short hug as I told him, “i’ve missed you so much” 

As I told him this, he laughed, “well i’m not the one who moved to toronto!” 

i scoffed playfully, shoving his forearm, “it’s for college!” i tell him, “and toronto is closer to home than LA is” 

“that’s for my career!” he mocked, “and LA is still in the US” 

“whatever” i giggled, “we’ve still got all summer together” 

Jack picked up my bags from the floor of the airport, despite my arguing to take it myself, “you have no idea how excited i am to spend this summer with you”

And truthfully, i replied, “trust me, i do” 

Jack helped me into the house as I looked around the familiar place. I’d only visited once, and only for three days, but I was yet again shocked by the size house my best friend had managed to get. It was absolutely insane to see how far he’d gotten and how amazing he was doing. And he deserved every thing he got. I knew the Jack that was twelve years old, showing me the first song he had learned on his sister’s pink guitar that was way too small and out of tune. I knew the seven year old jack who’d come over to play in my backyard and then ended up playing a duet on the piano with me for hours, trying to get it right. I remember going to his first ever gig and cheering him on, looking like the craziest chick in the world. 

“i thought that the boys would be home by now” Jack shrugged and pursed his soft pink lips, “what do you want to do first?” 

i gave him an indecisive look, “we’ve got all summer to do what i want to do. what do you want to do?”

“i’m here everyday. you choose something, (y/n)” Jack told me, laughing a little bit which made me smile. Jack had this contagious personality. When he was happy, I was happy. I could be having the worst day in the entire world and jack could just walk in and tell me something he was excited about and all my worries would wash away and i’d be smiling with him. He was the boy who got me through the most stressful years of high school and cheered me on for everything I did. Everything about jack just made my heart explode.

 “i don’t care” I smiled wider at him, “i’ll do whatever you want to do” 

“(y/n) this is why we can’t get shit done” Jack joked and I agreed, “are you hungry?”

I shook my head, “i ate before i left” 

“babe, it’s a five and a half hour flight” he told me, my heart fluttering with the friendly nickname, “and you can’t tell me that your adorable self didn’t let anxiety take control and force you to leave early for the airport”

my face turned red with jack’s truthful comment, “you know me all too well, avery. i suppose i could eat” 

“take-out or are we leaving?” Jack asks me, picking up his wallet.

“why don’t we ever just cook here?” i ask him.

“because neither of us can cook” he answers my delirious question.

“i can cook!” i defend, crossing my arms over my chest.

“you can make pasta, (y/n)!” he told me, laughing as I struggled to figure out something I could make.

“i-i can make grilled cheese, too. And I can follow a recipe” i tried, but it was no use, “yeah let’s just order some take out” 

Jack smiled, “perfect. ok, pizza, chinese...?” 

“ooh chinese” i tell him, sure of it, “actually no. pizza” 

“pizza, is that your final answer?” 

“yes. no. i don’t know” i whined.

jack shook his head, “you are the most indecisive person i’ve met in my entire life. i’m ordering pizza” 

“yeah, it’s probably best that you choose” i told him.

Jack and i laid across the couch that sat in the middle of the living room of the currently empty house. I laid with my back pressed firmly against Jack’s chest. His large arms, wrapped around me and his chin rested on my head. 

There was no moment happier than this one, than being here with my best friend, in his arms. Jack had this way of just making everything perfect and it’s been so difficult for me to keep that from him for all these years. He’s this perfect guy with an amazing sense of humor, a killer smile, and the best voice in the entire fucking world. One look at him and my entire body crumbled to the floor and I couldn’t get up. 

I had this trip planned a while ago, but since learning the truth about jack, my roommate had somehow found a way to get into my mind that i needed to tell him. she had sat down with me several times, explaining what and why i should tell him when he finds out that i’ve been in love with him for three years now. it was just something that i’d been putting off but she was right. if i kept this to myself, jack was for sure going to find himself a girlfriend. he’s the perfect guy who any girl would be beyond lucky to have. if i let him go, i’ll never forgive myself. and i’ll never be able to live with myself.

Jack sat up behind me, his finger under his eye, “hold on, i’ve got to go change my contact. it’s ripped” 

i whined and he laughed, “why would you put another one in when it’s already almost five o’clock and we’re not leaving the house tonight?” 

“because i’m blind” he told me.

he realized what i meant when i smirked at him, “put on your glasses then” 

“you know how i feel about my glasses, (y/n)” he laughed, “i never understood why you were so obsessed with me wearing them when we were younger” 

“because you look so cute with glasses, jack” i mocked his tone, “please please please. for me” 

he sighed and looked at the look in my eyes, giving in as he stated, “you staying out here or coming with me?” 

after all the time we’d missed out on, i wasn’t letting this boy out of my sight for even a second. i stood up cheekily, making him laugh again as i followed him into his bedroom and laid down on his bed as he started to pull out the contacts and put the glasses on his head, “i never will understand how you can so easily touch your eye” 

“you’re going to become a nurse and me touching my own eye freaks you out?” he questions and i shake my head as he removes the other contact. His fingers find the glasses that were laying on the desk and he places them on his head, turning around with a sly smile on his face. my cold hands clap together at the sight and giggle as he climbs onto his bed with me.

“god i’ve missed you so much” he murmured into my hair as he curled up next to me.

“i hate being so far from you” i turned so that I was looking up at the ceiling, avoiding eye contact.

“it really sucks” he agrees, turning so that our positioning was identical, “i wish i could just see you more often. it’s so difficult going months without seeing you” 

“i’ve been thinking about transferring to UCLA” i blurt out without thinking of the logistics.

“that would be amazing, but babe you’ve always wanted to live in canada” 

this was true. it had been my dream for years now and everyone around me knew that, “i can get my degree here, though. and it’ll be easier to get it in the states in case i ever move back. i can apply for a permit to practice nursing there with my american degree” 

“you’ve really put thought into this” he tells me, “i think that it’s an amazing idea, (y/n). but only if you really want it” 

i thought for a second, “nothings official. my parents could still stop me. just an idea. it’s just-”

my breath hitched, pausing as i stopped myself. i wanted nothing more than to tell him what i’d been dying to telling him, but nothing came out, “just what?” 

i couldn’t say it. it was painful, but i didn’t know what to do, “i don’t know. it all depends really” 

“on what, babe?” he questioned and once again, my heart fluttered and everything inside of me just died. i didn’t want to cry, because i’d spent too many hours crying about what could happen. about why i loved the boy who i couldn’t have. so i just shook my head, changing the conversation as far as he was concerned.

“have you ever had to keep a secret from someone? like a really good friend?” 

jack sighed a little too loudly, “i’ve had to keep a secret from someone who was a little more than a good friend”

“a girlfriend?” my voice cracked a little bit, but it was fairly unnoticeable. at least i hope.

i felt jack shake his head against the bed we both shared, “she’s a girl. but she’s always been a best friend” 

jack has other best friends, lots of them. and probably lots of secrets too, “i hate secrets” 

“me too” he shared, “you tell me your secret and i’ll tell you mine” 

“you go first” i tried to persuade.

“you brought this up” he tells me, “pleasee” 

i took in a deep breath, but nothing came out. i sat up on the bed, my back resting against the backboard as he sat up with me, moving so that his body was in front of me. i opened my mouth again, but instead of what i meant it was something else, “i’m scared” 

“don’t be scared, (y/n). we’ve been friends since before we were even born, do you really think that anything you say to me is something to fear? you mean so much to me and there’s nothing to be scared of”

and with his words, i spit out mine, “i love you” 

he looked at me and a smile peeked on his face, “please tell me in the way that i’m taking it” 

i didn’t know what he meant by that, but a shy smile appeared on my face, “jack avery, i’ve been fucking in love with you for three years now” 

his hands found their way to my face as his head turned and leaned towards mine, his soft lips finding mine as i sat up and towards his face. i raveled my fingers into his soft curls as my cheeks turned red and our lips carefully moved in sync like this moment was long overdue. a couple of shocks had been sent through my heart and goosebumps rose on my arms as i smiled into the short and savory kiss that had left me begging for more as soon as our lips.

that moment was perfect. the way jack’s lips were slightly red and swollen, the way his glasses framed his face perfectly, and the way his hair sat perfectly up there. it was a perfect moment that couldn’t have been any better than it was. 

“let’s figure this out, (y/n). because i would really like for you to be my girlfriend” he told me and i smiled widely. this was what i’d been waiting for.