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#being depressed would have surely fucked it all up
sepublic · 1 day
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Hunter is NOT Luz’s brother, he’s not a Noceda, he’s not even that important to her compared to many other relationships Luz has and vice-versa. Like genuinely, go rewatch the show with this consideration in mind, cleanse the fanon for a fresh slate.
People just latched onto them as siblings because they found their Hunting Palismen dynamic funny, but also because they wanted to ward off Lunter. And they couldn’t articulate their dislike for Lunter as stemming from Luz’s longstanding dynamic with another female character being immediately replaced by fans for some white boy who just showed up, so they said they’re actually more siblings. It wasn’t an issue of biphobia it’s just people being tired of fandom thinking everything would be better if a woman was replaced by a guy. It’s the same reason Huntric also sucks because people replace a female character with some dude, it has nothing to do with bi/homophobia.
And FTR I hate Lunter, for the same reason I now hate the Luz & Hunter as Siblings take; It’s the fandom’s obsession with making Hunter more important than he actually is, to the point of replacing Luz’s actual important relationships with him. And hell even replacing Luz herself in her dynamics with her loved ones, because people portray Hunter as more Camila’s child than Luz when Darius is right there.
This fandom has a massive White Favoritism problem with Hunter, and he’s not even a female character he’s another White Boy, the most bland and milquetoast choice to raise as the fandom darling. He’s not THAT interesting and while him and Luz have their parallels and shared trauma and are still friends, what about Hunter and Gus? Or Luz and King, the latter explicitly calls Luz his sister but Hunter sure as hell didn’t! What about explicit on-screen dynamics huh???
ISTFG this fandom is overrun by Hunter content everywhere, he drowns out everyone except the literal main character and even she struggles sometimes! It’s because he’s a White Boy, that’s it. It’s not illegal to like Hunter, but you need to actually appreciate and engage with other characters accordingly instead of acting like that’s illegal. Hunter does the bare minimum and is lauded meanwhile everyone else goes above and beyond and is still overlooked for him.
Stop inserting him into everything we do not need Luz and Hunter angst we can just settle for Luz angst. She has other relationships and priorities you know and there’s so much more to this show than Hunter suffering. Sometimes you’ll even take Luz’s canon angst and give it to Hunter even! And try to make him more of a main character by inserting him into everything but he’s a side character.
So yes, your AU where Hunter is the main protagonist is racist. Especially if it doesn’t even explore Darius as his mentor, and has Eda take his place despite her barely interacting with him. And constantly praising Hunter for being a weird passionate nerd gets aggravating when Luz does the exact same thing but with greater emphasis, but gets ignored in favor of Hunter as she’s relegated to just Lumity.
And all of her additional depth and angst is just ignored for Hunter’s instead, sometimes they’ll even make up angst for him when other characters actually have it; I’ve seen popular fanart of a Luz moment where Hunter is in her place. Because fandom will sooner micro-analyze Hunter’s hands for nothing, than Luz going on a suicidal rant.
They’ll cradle Hunter’s trauma and suffering in their hands as a sacred and delicate subject, gnash at Darius for not being nice; But then sweep over Luz’s trauma and not realize how much certain things affected her, and why it’s fucked up to just ignore that in favor of bad AUs where Luz is a friend to Belos, who prompted a lot of her suicidal depression and scarred her face too.
They’ll insist Hunter should’ve been a bigger part of the finale and that Luz’s nightmare should’ve been her guilt for hurting him, as if it wasn’t already about Flapjack’s death and just her guilt towards ALL of her friends. So you know what, in addition to Hunter not even needing to kill Belos, I’m glad he wasn’t in that final battle and that the show reminded fandom who the actual main characters are (Luz, Eda, and King), which obviously pissed off a lotta people. Because it’s not like Hunter didn’t have major focus in the last two specials and S2B!!!!!!
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seeminglyseph · 2 days
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Every now and then I'll see a critique like "they sure just shout their feelings at each other"
And it's like... a shounen fight anime for teenagers.
Which is not to say that the genre is not *capable* of subtly but like. Also, sometimes, when your target audience is teenage boys who are specifically looking for punches, like... sometimes, you put the text in the text on purpose. Sometimes, you consciously choose to have the hero geadbutt the power of friendship into a guy, and they talk about loneliness and fun and leadership.
And also sometimes. Characters don't have the vocabulary to describe their emotions in a way that sounds "valid." Sometimes that's characterization in itself, the lack of vocabulary to describe emotions and motivation. Honestly, it's wild how often people will just take characters at their word when they describe their feelings in a shallow way when like... all the imagery is like... clearly depicting something else. Like, say.... Sometimes, a character just says their bored, but like... literally, all the imagery involved clearly depicts a pretty deep depression or personal crisis. But that character has no words or frame of reference for how to discuss those feelings, so he just says he's bored and lashes out in increasingly erratic ways?
Yeah I might be talking about Wind Breaker again Tomiyama Choji gets done so fucking dirty by people what the fuck is up with so many videos I have seen just fucking going "what he did all this because he was bored???"
Like. No. Did you pay attention??? He lost his purpose, and he lost his way, and none of his friends were willing to stand up to him or stand with him, so even though he was the leader and he had a gang, he was entirely alone. But he didn't have the ability to find what he was missing, or name what he was feeling. So he didn't know how to ask for help.
He's as much a feral child as Sakura and so works as a first arc foil for him, a character who seeks power and leadership without any goals or intentions behind it besides "Freedom." Especially since Choji is shown not fully knowing for himself what freedom is or would represent. But for the types of people who end up in feral street gangs? And for a character that is a foil to Sakura and is also... very speed based in his fighting style. Freedom makes sense for something that Choji would want.
But it seems like a promise he was given without much intention of him receiving it. I don't really think he was supposed to overthrow the boss of his gang and become the leader... though that's some rampant speculation.
I dunno man. I know part of it is like. O ly one season is out, so everyone is still not sure what to think about it. And that's fair. I'm still like... confused about multiple angles of the series. I've read... a decent chunk of the manga, and I'm still like. Pretty curious about how the universe works, honestly. Maybe the fact that I clocked how Choji held his chopsticks and like. Multiple puzzle pieces fell into place because I have been loving the weird little details Wind Breaker will throw in. Either this series tells a very intense story through background details and character designs, or one day, I will be made a very large fool of.
None of this is an organised enough thought to be worth anything but like. I know this is probably not controversial among Wind Breaker *fans*, but like. I keep like... seeing people with this opinion in videos and stuff talking about Wind Breaker that seemed to have not connected and not understood.
Which does make me feel a little like a "you just don't *understand* man." But like. If you really felt like Choji acted the way he acted because he was bored and wanted to have more fun you like... *didn't get it* or were being purposefully disingenuous because you personally disliked the portrayal.
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suterbuyout2024 · 5 months
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thinkin about the deweys . as always
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tearlessrain · 6 months
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seriously can catastrophes stop happening for five minutes my brain is already fried from the ones we're already experiencing
#I fucking. missed d&d tonight by accident#I straight up forgot#and just didn't show up to the session#my sleep schedule is absolutely fucked#I should be sleeping now but brain won't shut up#my creative output is the lowest it's ever been and I've been in some level of depressive funk since like early january#I am just deeply unfathomably exhausted#like mentally and spiritually#all the time#my memory and sense of time are both shit#my spelling is worse than it used to be for some reason??#I really don't know what to do to make my brain start functioning again it's frankly worrying me#I couldn't even handle college so it should come as no surprise that I'm reacting poorly to the world being a perpetual screaming trash fir#and yet#idk it's been hitting again lately that I have never succeeded at anything in my life and just keep tripping and falling up for some reason#fucking everyone is in hell right now and with my overall success rate I should be dead in a ditch but I'm actually doing spectacularly#due to a series of improbable accidents and weird circumstances that happened to turn out in my favor instead of completely fucking me#aside from the looming spectre of my various failed attempts to have some kind of life trajectory#it just doesn't feel like this can keep up forever#like surely at some point the luck has got to run out I can't just keep living like some kind of folkloric trickster archetype#but my motivation and sense of purpose kind of died after the last failed attempt so I'm still just here#doing whatever this is#maybe I should drive out to the coast#maybe staring at the ocean would fix me I've been away from it for too long#I mean it can't make me worse#I should wait until further into summer though so I don't have to drive back in the dark#everyone around here has trucks with those goddamn LED headlights and I've got a little sedan that's directly in their blast zone
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werebutch · 4 months
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My mom getting a new place is kinda making me anxious I think she thinks I’m gonna move in w her instead of my dad 😭 and I’m not sure why I don’t want to. Cuz she’s way better. But I don’t. And I feel responsible I think and plus my sisters will never favor my mom over my dad… so we’d live apart. but I’m 20 years old I can live whatever I want. But. But but but
#idk I really like our house too. it’s great. it’s exactly my style. I would miss it LMAO#but again my mom is just.. she’s so much more organized and she and my stepdad actually get stuff done#and take care of themselves. living w her would be more like we’re roommates and not how it is w my dad#who needs to be taken care of and doted on like a child. my sisters too but I don’t think they’d survive living without me at my dads 💀#or they’d be really pissed at me. at the least#my dads house is constantly horrible so messy so so so bad no free counterspace anywhere can barely walk thru the house and cat vomit#everywhere. unless I take care of all of it. I can’t have company over unless I know a week in advance so I can make it look like a normal#house. and at my moms it’s never like that. it’s messier than average sure but it’s never disgusting like that#people are always telling me not to do anything and let my family learn to clean up after themselves but if I don’t it will just get worse#and worse. they’ll wait weeks before doing anything. it’s embarrassing. and depressing. if I let it go long enough I am miserable every day#after being homeless or on the verge of homelessness for 10 years my dad can’t even appreciate the fantastic house we have 😭#he has to fuck it all up. it’s not 100% his fault bc my sisters do fuck all but he DID teach them to be this way. the only reason I do#anything is because I snapped out of planning to kill myself and realized that I needed to be there for my sisters. so I started being like#their parent more and more. but they still never learned to unload the dishwasher or take out the trash without screaming about it.#I’m just very overwhelmed and nervous about this move. I also feel horrible as if I’m disappointing my mom if I don’t move in. I don’t want#to disappoint her any more than I already have..#she is soooo excited about giving me a room the basement so I can have my bunnies there..
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rosicheeks · 2 months
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I get mad about Fb posts too!! I struggle with being jealous of others and it makes me hate myself. I wish I wasn't like this lol
I relate to this so much omg
#I’ve been struggling a looooot with jealousy and being envious#I think it’s just hard to see people I know thriving when I’m trying so hard to simply survive#I haven’t been able to go over to my sisters new place cause I’m just too jealous#and I HATE it cause I want to be happy for them#it’s a big thing to get a place or get married or have a baby or whatever#that’s huge and if it’s someone I know and love I want to be happy for them#but I can’t help but also look at myself and my own life#and get incredibly sad and upset that this is how my life is turning out#I wanted to do so many things with my life#but this stupid mental illness is fucking everything up#I’m just so so so sick of it#I want to live a normal life like other people I know#I went over to a new friends place and I’m still thinking about it#she’s depressed and struggling with chronic illnesses like I am#but she got married a few years ago and the husband is helping so much#they have this beautiful townhouse that I would KILL for#and they have a golden retriever#and it’s just so hard to see someone who is struggling like I am but still has all of these things#I’d fucking kill for a pet or a place of my own#I’m so SO sick of living here and not having a safe space I can go to when I need to be by myself#just having my car is such a shitty feeling#but I know I’m privileged I have a roof over my head and I have a car I can run to#I just wish I was in her position or everyone else who is in a better position/situation than I am#and I know I know it’s not all black and white I’m sure there are struggles behind the camera that I’m not seeing#but it’s still the fact that they have a place to go to or they have a dog to be with and get comfort from#it’s just so fucking hard#I can’t help compare my life to theirs every single time I see a happy post#and don’t even get me started on how much I spiral when I see they are younger than me and doing better than I am#ooooooh boy#ask
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arolesbianism · 6 months
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Every day I mourn the fact that none of my family and friends give a single shit abt oni lore, I don't wanna keep repeating shit I've already said before on here but every now and then I just remember the horrors™ and nearly explode not being able to scream abt it again
#rat rambles#oni posting#just everytime I think abt olivia's 1500 cycle onwards logs I want to start biting things#shes soooo fucked up and tragic and she doesnt get any closure and she never will and I LOVE it#I fucking love her so much she rewired my brain so hard shes like one of The blorbos of all time#damn you klei you rly know how to make characters that destroy me beyond repair (hi carter twins)#I still find it fun imagining olivia and jackie interacting with the dont starve cast even if they wouldn't like most of them#I have lightly changed my mind on one dynamic tho#I still think that jackie would be stressed out by all the kiddos and would at least dislike them. but.#I do think she could end up kind of getting along with walter#like look at me. she was probably just like him as a kid. she would hate him for it but they could also talk for hours.#hed start sharing fun facts abt his bug collection and jackie would start lecturing him abt ants or whatever and hed think shes so cool#I think olivia still wouldn't like him tho but that's purely because hed probably stress her out#same with the rest of the kiddos I think if you put webber in the room with the two of them theyd both have a breakdown#not because hes a spider solely because hes a little boy who probably just asked them if he can have icecream#and wendy and abby would just be a situation of them not knowing how to talk to kids let alone depressed kids#oh and theyd probably also be stressed out by wurt for basic they dont know how to deal with kids reasons#rly the two would just hang out with wickerbottom and no one else if they could help it#except wanda they'd bother her non stop to the point shed start avoiding them lol#you see Im sure plenty of the cast wouldnt like olivia and jackie either because of just how much they wouldn't take magic as an answer#not that theyd be like no that cant be real cause thatd be magic theyd more likely start sciencing out the mechanics of all the magic stuff#in practical terms while also refusing to call it magic#and worst of all knowing them theyd probably get results because fuck man they brute forced their way into time travel (sort of) so why not#so itd just be maxwell being soooo pissed as the two somehow manage to replicate his spells without the codex#dont let them meet wagstaff then itd rly be jover
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born-to-lose · 2 years
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According to 6 different serious health/psychology pages I have BPD, do you think that means I should see a therapist?
#i've been thinking about the possibility for a while but never looked up symptoms because i was scared#and now it's starting to get out of hand so i finally did even though i originally didn't want to be officially diagnosed#for various reasons like the stigma in society and my health insurance knowing so all my future doctors will go back to their#'it's only psychological stop being so dramatic you're not actually sick' shit and invalidating me and my health problems in the past#some of them straight up refused to write a sick note for school when i actually had the flu back in 8th grade#so that's one reason why i don't want any mental illnesses to appear in my medical record#plus the cost factor because i'm not sure if the insurance would even cover everything but i might end up paying for it myself#if it means the health insurance won't be informed even if it's probably a lot of money#but in order to get therapy i need to get diagnosed by a professional so once i read into it a bit more i'll figure out how to tell my mom#and see if i'll call this one therapist in my town who apparently treats psychosomatic disorders#i'm sincerely sorry to everybody i've talked to recently (aside from casual fandom chatting) who may have noticed me behaving kinda shitty#advice is greatly appreciated because this hit me like a train and i don't fucking want this. like at all#i thought my switching between depressed and anxious and angry and empty and hyper was just. idk something else but not That#mel talks
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nomaishuttle · 10 months
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its also like . ok sry im going on bc im tired and ive upset myself lol but its like. to have somebody who knows i grew up in poverty call me greedy and selfish bc he pressured me into moving up here when i didnt have the money so i Had to rely on him financially. and then i couldnt pay him back while i was literally unemployed. to have him call me greedy and selfish and entitled and lazy was. insanely upsetting
#like he knew that a lot of the money i earned went directly to paying my families bills and literally feeding them and he still. said that#to me. and then when i got upset he spun it as me being irrational and playing the victim and always guilttripping him like. idk. idk.#i try rly hard not to think abt that bc it just makes me feel horrific but like. i was already so insanely paranoid about spending money#any Non essential purchase made me spiral and then that just made it. so much worse . i told him from the start i didnt have much money and#he said it was fine and i told him from the start id pay him back as quickly as i could and he said it was fine and then he just#he completely ghosted me he never talked to me he slept downstairs and he spent more time with one of our roommates than he did me#and now i. know why he did that lol#but whatever. but he iced me out and the only time he ever talked to me was to tell me i was being greedy for not paying him back#or if i literally fuckjng. begged him to do skmething with me#and then hed spend like 1 hour completely checked out but technically sitting in the same room as me and i just. idk. that relationship#genuinely like. fucked me up. and now i reakize it wasnt Just since i moved here and a lot of the like. stripping me of.my identity and#pressuring me into doing. certain things when i wasnt comfortable with them and guilttripping me if i did try to stand up for myself. now i#realize that had been going on nearly since the start but it fucking. rly hurts. basically#and to top it all of he knew i struggle with very severe depression and i have since i was a kid and he knew i specifically struggle a lot#with hygiene and he knew how gross that makes me feel. and he still called me disgusting for it. and in every argument he had he would#hold the fact i owed him money over my head and i judt. i dont know what i was supposed to do. and i realize now there was jothing bc he#was already. yk. and probably had been for a while but it just. rly fucking sucks basically.#like even now a few months out i get genuinely nauseous when i buy something that isnt Absolutely essential.#and i try to force myself to buy like. a small nice thing for myself every once in a while i buy 1 coffee and 1 breakfast food every week#on saturday to try n like. make sure i know its ok 4 me to do that and it doesnt make me selfish but like. it still makes me feel sick
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inmirova · 1 year
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yall my ex is so lucky we're not together now that I'm off my meds for like. not even the reason that makes sense.
#oooooh i have no appetite now that I'm not on multiple meds with weight gain as a side effect#surely that aspect of my being is evil of me#pretty sure my unmedicated bipolar disorder would just be like fun for him bc im not always depressed anymore#not to be like crazy or whatever but the fact that while i was taking meds and working on my relationship w food they were like. bitter?#like demonized me both having problems with food and seeking help for them#&viewed my being on medication as exceptionally privileged which like. i wish i was on them again i get it but also getting that 'privilege'#required 1) my own fucking money i got from having a job something they didnt get until we broke up and i was like#im not paying off our apartment alone so either you or your parents owe me money every month#and 2) getting hospitalized after an attempt#because i had the privilege of being on twice the max dose of an antidepressant that didnt help me#like. ugh yes it was a privilege and one that i miss having but it also sucked getting there it wasnt like#idk the way they framed it was always like i was offered the fucking luck of the draw on it or whatever#like sorry? remember when i was on so much lexapro i went into a dissociative fugue and started dating you lol fuck off#because i actually genuinely dont remember like 6 or 7 months because of that shit!#i actually ended up hospitalized from it and all i remember hearing about it was that you were sad bc you felt you werent enough to stop it#like it had fucking anything to do with you#like wish them all the best but damn. actually they sucked very very badly. i hope they figure it out one day but probably not#ik theyre on antidepressants now so yknow. im sure theyll forget being medicated means theyre privileged now#becomes normal once its them or some shit
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medicinemane · 1 year
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To be honest, seeing a post about how since binders are hand wash and that's a pain, old washboards do a good job (did I reblog that?...I forget) really kind of makes me want to get a washboard for my laundry
See... I kind of fucking hate using machines like that for some reason. Like, I don't use the dishwasher, it's so much easier for me to do it by hand (even easier if I get ahold of some good dish rags cause... when I've got a rag I can get things cleaned even quicker and easier)
Just something about the loading and unloading... doesn't work well for me
But using a washboard on the couple things I use (I mean I'm at home a lot, so I don't go through a ton of stuff), and then hanging them on one of those little... like the indoor hanging racks (which I could make if I'd just make it)... that feels easier too me
Hard to get started doing cause... it's... it's a big learning investment, not that it's complex but like... even if you... well even if I know all the steps for something, doing it the first time still is really hard and like learning, I can't say how it is for you
But like, once I started doing it and was used to it I feel like I'd do it a lot more than I'm willing to do laundry in a machine
...I don't know... just thoughts I have. Don't know why I'm like this, but I am
#ok tumblr; you fucking interrupt me again to add tags?#I'll add tags then#my tags are fuck you#oh yeah; I'm really hoping my post where I ramble about being a weirdo get picked up and makes it big for that sweet sweet clout#like I'm sure it would really benefit me in some way or another#maybe I could plug some patreon or something; be like 'sponsor my unwell ramblings'#you've got artists of tumblr and tags like that; I can use the 'severely depressed fuck ups of tumblr' tag#get the fuck out of here with trying to teach me how to use this site#I've been using this site for god knows how long... like 2014 or something#not the oldest; but I've been here a fucking long time#I use this shit how I use it and that's the end of that#for instance somedays I decide to keep the profanity to a minimum; and then somedays some fucker like you pisses me off#all I ask is that when I hit post; and I've left things blank tag wise; you just post it without asking me if I'm sure#like fuck... never bring this up cause it's not like it damn well matters#but I've got just a teeny bit over 1000 followers at this point despite not tagging shit#so like... clearly my way of doing things works at getting one meaningless metric you can get on here#don't know why that many people follow; and some are probably empty accounts at this point; but you know...#it's super rare anyone's rude or anything; so there's no downside for me at this point; so I'm pleased to have people around in that case#just... piss off#some blogs use tags for promotion or sorting#and all the power to them#on this blog I use tags to do unhinged rambling like this; there's only like 6 functional tags#and like 3 of those only have maybe 5 posts in them; only 3 are any use#my cats; obvious; cleaning; you want to see the shit I get up to there; I guess my photos; though I don't post much there these days#and then mm tag so I can find things later; which is mostly a collection of insane ranting#like trust me tumblr; I'd love to make fat stacks on here somehow; but this post ain't doing that#just uh... you piss me off with some of the stuff you do; and I like complaining; so you get me complaining#add some tags you say; well I added em; you happy you bothered me with that shit?#rhetorical; not like I'm actually mad enough at staff I want them reading this#I just felt like complaining
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palms-upturned · 2 years
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.
#meg talks#sorry. this is a little mean but.#i think jean being like ‘’im clinically depressed harry’’ is a little funny.#like i get it. ik why he keeps pointing it out specifically to harry who is an asshole and constantly trying his patience#but also could u even imagine if he was ur partner in the investigation instead of kim#the residents of martinaise would fucking eat this man KSHSJDJXCJ#jean: im clinically depressed#any martinaise resident: yeah yeah the horrors we’ve all seen them#like idk it’s hard for me to sympathize much w any of the cops in the game#tho it’s not like the situation w jean and harry isn’t sympathetic like. [gestures broadly] ik how that is#but it just amuses me a little that jean keeps bringing that up DKDHSGXJ#when im p sure that’s the case for literally every character in this game LDLDUDYDJF#like i don’t even mean it in a ‘’get over it’’ way but just like. read the room. ur a cop dude KDGDDJDHC#idk i enjoy jean’s character but i can’t rlly take him v seriously most of the time#bringing up his clinical depression while ignoring how mortified judit ‘’divorced single mother w a dead partner’’ minot is by his nonsense#like idk. i think he’s as silly and pathetic as harry and kim are i can’t take the sadboy jean angle#but unlike harry and kim he doesn’t strike me like there’s any hope for him to ever be anything but a cop#and even w harry and kim that hope is like. a minuscule sliver that i probably wouldn’t even have#except for the fact that harry can literally quit on the spot and go on to renounce the rcm if u fail to save ruby#and kim… well honestly im not that optimistic it’s just that the phasmid scene seems to imply Maybe his mind can be opened to other things#anyway. not the point. the point is jean just seems too bitter and stuck in his ways to me#so maybe that’s why i can’t find myself as fond of him as other ppl#like i do enjoy him he’s a funny guy w a lot of complexity#but. well. i just find him mostly laughable in the way harry is laughable#a cop w legitimately sympathetic problems but who’s ultimately too embittered and self absorbed#to open his eyes to the miracle™️ and change#anyway um that’s why i find the clinical depression lines a little funny#like ok buddy. did shooting up a church make u feel better
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milo-is-rambling · 1 year
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Why have I been so angry recently. Like violent rage angry. Like scream until I can’t talk rage. Like need to punch a window and watch the glass shatter. Like so fucking angry. I’m not even pmsing. Like what is happening to me????
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dolltwink · 2 years
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Vent post.
So I found out I probably need a walker.
internalized ableism in tags but I'm going to clarify that this is only directed to myself and I think other disabled people are cool as hell and none of the things im describing myself with. No disrespect is intended to people who are going through similar things as me, you're strong and cool as hell. Its just different if its to myself. Please do not take this out of context, its a personal vent post describing myself and applies to no one else. Thank you.
Cw for: ableism, internalized ableism, small addiction mention.
#god i feel so fucking pathetic.#i dont think i deserve one. im not in *enough* pain.#i still have days where i can move unassisted without pain.#so i feel so fucking pathetic for feeling like i need one. im not in enough pain to justify it.#but at the same time it hurts. it hurts so much. every step hurts. every movement hurts so much and its getting harder every day.#but. its not ALL the time so i should just shut up and deal with it.#im trying to do thought excercises with my boyfriend right now and its helping. him saying stuff like#'if someone else was in your situation would you think they would need a cane or walker?' and my answer is yes of course.#and it is making me feel better but at the same time i just feel so feeble and helpless in my own body.#i need help. i need help so much. but theres also other disabled people who are in much more pain than me.#so why should i think i deserve extra help when other people have it so much worse. i'm *lucky* i'm not in as much pain as other#disabled people.#i feel like i should just count my blessings and deal with the pain. but. it hurts. it hurts so much every day. and i dont know what to do.#i cant actually get help until i move out of my dad's place since. he'd kick me out since he thinks i'm going to end up like my mom.#lying to get drugs and moving on to harder non medical substances. but. thats not what i want to do.#in fact ive told every doctor ive had about my family's addiction history. all of my medicine for my depression and anxiety are on#low doses they give to people who are pregnant to make sure theres no chance i get addicted or too dependent on the medicine. and like.#the one time i didnt get that was from post-surgery pain medicine my doctor described. a highly addictive intoxicant. but.#it only made me paranoid and afraid and it made me sooo scared. i hate the feeling of being intoxicated. it horrifies me.#but he'll still kick me out if i get help and i have nowhere to go.#so im just trapped. and im in so much pain. but its getting so hard to be a person. but because i live with him and hear him every day#im internalizing it so much. clearly i have to be faking right? how dare i claim to need all of this when there's actual disabled people#who actually need help#god.#im so pathetic.#i don't like how i am. i hate myself for wanting help i havent *earned*.#and i know. i know that's stupid. and if i met another person in as much pain im in i'd definitely say they need a walker and/or cane and#that they deserve to get the help they need to live their life.#but its me. so its different.
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Life almost disappears, those summer afternoons spent reading in the park, your head half-leaning on his shoulder. Those mornings in the spring, a little late for work.
It didn't matter then, the way he took two sugars in his coffee. The way you let your hair grow out too long.
But these, the memories we keep, crammed in a shoebox full of polaroids, saved somewhere on a half-forgotten hard drive, they're what remains behind. They're what your sister finds, the weekend that she helps you pack your life.
And then it's sitting on the couch, your kitchen stuff already wrapped in paper. It's styrofoam containers, soda cans. It's wine that she's already drinking from the bottle.
And you can't figure out whose silhouette that was, who showed up to your party with a boa. And she is pretty sure her ex has kids.
But maybe that's why you and I keep postcards. Somebody's bow tie, paperclips, that bit of string.
They don't remind us of some other time, exactly. They're pieces of the people that we were, they're feelings that we'd wanted to hold on to.
#June 12 2023#I've had 'Spin' by Lifehouse stuck in my head all day.#Is it about some girl? Is it about god? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Who the heck even knows.#I mean that's like a very large percentage of Lifehouse's musical output.#Well this one could also be about parenthood I guess.#And I'm pretty sure 'You and Me' is definitely about Jason Wade's wife and 'Hanging by a Moment' is about god per comments he's made.#But it's a fun party game isn't it?#Speaking of 'Hanging by a Moment'. Even though it came out when I was like 12 and I hadn't yet realized the whole religious thing.#I associate it most with the summer I was 25 and living with my parents for the summer for a grad school internship.#I remember driving my mom's car to work after dropping her off along the way and cranking up the radio.#Unfortunately my options were limited to the pop station (too many commercials) or the Spanish station (I don't speak Spanish)#or the Christian rock station (the one I usually listened to despite my uncomfortable relationship with religion especially at the time).#And the first time I heard them play Lifehouse I was like wtf? Why is the Christian rock station playing something I actually like?#And then I really listened to the words of 'Hanging by a Moment' and I was 'Oooooh.'#And that was how it took me like 13 years to realize a band I liked and owned cds of may or may not have written a bunch of songs about god#Which honestly would have turned 12 year old me off a lot because like it's not fun being an atheist when almost everyone's a dick about it#And I'm not sure it was the healthiest coping mechanism for the whole having my heart shattered by a religious dude when I was 25...#Actually that's not true. That year I mostly played the fuck out of Emmylou Harris's and Bob Dylan's most depressing hits. ('Gold' anyone?)#Followed by Royal Wood's divorce album when that came out.#But blasting the Christian rock station in the car? Definitely kind of intentionally masochistic. But also I really hate radio commercials.#I did listen to a lot of Lifehouse that summer.#So regardless of what the songs are actually about they all remind me of the highway and my mom's old car and carpooling to work.#Except 'Blind'. 'Blind' still makes me cry.#That was a really pointless aside because I don't feel like writing or going to sleep and will probably stay up listening to Lifehouse now.#I guess the moral of that story if it needs to have a moral is:#If you're a godless heathen and someone makes you feel like shit because they act like there's something wrong with you for it#you're much better off not wasting your time trying to understand why they think like that and living your best heathen life instead.#Or something like that. Idk.
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pizzapizzadickz · 2 years
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#diary#personal#i was gonna journal but im far too tired now and i cant.#so instea imma ramble here.#anyways. i was thinking lately how as i got earlier i sorta would just. cut off parts of myself.#like. id observe everyone around me. figure out what was socially acceptable. and remove what wasnt.#sometimes... people would say little things. and i work very very hard to to fix that about myself.#like. if i dont understand humor. i worked REALLY hard so i could. and so i could figure out how to joke and talk with others.#and god. anytime i make friends i try REALLY FUCKING HARD to make sure i like. do their activities that theh like.#i just sorta hope that i can have friends that way. if they like cars well now i do. if they like computers now i do. etc.#and like. i used to try hard to keep up with pop culture shit so i could feel included. cuz otherwise id be left out.#honeslty all of elemetry school i remember trying so hard to fit in and it really made me feel like i lost myself in it all.#i remember in high school a lot of this came to a head and i sorta just. felt lost a lot.#i like. feel a lot better now. i dont do things i dont wanna. i dont try so hard to blend in. but its still really hard sometimes.#i remember. i used to always have to ask what people mean. what a joke was about. i felt excluded from things a lot.#i sorta. gave up on friends in like. grade 7-8ish. i was also sorta depressed. so id just. watch people#and in the winter. id sometimes walk around in little circles and make patterns in the snow. recess wasnt long enough tho#i remember in grade 3 when i sorta became the token loner id just. walk around aimlessly at school.#it was sad being excluded but i really learned to enjoy it to. to really feel the wind. to listen to the sounds. to feel present#i love the swings. still do. might be why i rock so much now? ive always just loved throwing my body around violently.#it honestly makes me really sad now bc it hurts now. i cant move in ways that are fun anymore.#i can rock tho. and i do a lot. yknow i saw a girl(?) on the bus the other day rocking#it was so... strange to see it from the outside. i wonder if thats what i look like now that i think about it.#it was distressing tho bc they seemed upset. bc thats how i rock when upset. just. very regimented.#theyd stop abruptly. then continue. i could really only see myself in that. i wanted to ask if they were okay but...#i felt that it could potentially cause more stress. besides. idk if theyre autistic or whatnot. it could be invasive. i hope they were okay#mn. i sorta wish i had never just. cut away at myself. removing what i deemed garbage.#im... so much different from the way i portay myself sometimes.#i love looking at things. just. staring at stuff. watching people. and. when im with others i remove that.#when i work i have to remove the fun from things. and that sucks.
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