Misty
Character: Levi Ackerman (x reader?)
Word count: 1,889
Summary: Sometimes it's hard to stay grounded even especially for Levi
Masterlist
A/N: woke up too early today and the weather was so depressing it reminded me of Levi I felt like writing some angst (?)
On days like this, Levi would feel the need to stay under the covers and melt into the warm sheets. He was, as unbelieveable as it would sound to some, as vulnerable and melancholic as others would be. Although it was already late in the morning by the time he woke up, the light was scarce, enough to only trace the lines of the wardrobe on the opposite wall and the table next to the window. He groaned and turned to the other side, the warmth embracing him still and inviting him to sleep. He couldn't.
Opening his eyes once again, he looked out the window. A thick mist was swallowing everything in sight, even time itself. But Levi knew that was not possible. In fact, that would have been too good to be true. Checking the clock next to the bepost he noticed it was already half past ten. He had rarely slept in as much, except the times when his body needed more rest after difficult scouting missions and titan encounters. Time had not, after all, stopped. Still, there was no movement outside. The buildings in the distance were closer to ghosts, the lines of their roofs unclear and the smoke from their chimneys melting away into the fog. The trees seemed frozen, long and thin branches which had long before lost their leaves extending into the sky. No sound, not even wind or a distant animal, dared to disturb the quiet. For a brief moment, Levi felt as if he was the only human left alive on this god forsaken earth.
Wasn't he, though?
The thought crept in like the branches of trees, gripping onbhis mind. As comfortable as his bed was, he knew he had no chance of falling asleep again. Or, if he did, it wouldn't be peaceful. Before he could catch that thought and rip it to pieces, it was too late. Names and faces, voices and memories of the people he had lost invaded his head. He turned once again, laying on his back with his arm covering his eyes as if there was too much light blinding him.
Mike.
Oluo.
Gunther.
Petra.
Even fucking Kenny that bastard.
He gripped at the sheets with his other hand. He had trouble breathing and his heart was beating so fast it felt like and earthquake. He took a deep breath, almost too much air for his lungs, and his whole body shivered. He kept it in for a few seconds before letting it all out and uncovering his eyes.
Five things he can see.
The covers.
The wall.
The window.
He looked around the room, having a hard time identifying real objects surrounding him and ignoring the images his brain was forcing upon him from memory.
His shoes next to the door.
His clothes hanging on the chair.
Good.
He had to take a break to focus on his still uneven breating before he searched for four things he could touch.
The covers, again.
He placed his hand on the left side of his bared chest, feeling the beatings of his heart.
My heart.
The fog outside seemed to have invaded his own mind. He found it hard to identify small things like these, but he knew he needed to make even the smallest effort to be grounded to reality. He needed to be the master of his mind, not let his mind best him. His arm stretched away from his chest, out of the bed.
The clock.
He gripped the cold metal in his hand, as if trying to hold time itself in his fist. He wished he could sit up and touch the floor with his feet, but it seemed like too big of an effort. For the last thing he could touch he sat up, supporting his upper body in his forearm while taking the gun from under his pillow.
The gun.
In his movements the covers fell from his shoulders, leaving his body bared to the cold air in the room. He ached to bury himself again under the warmth of his bed, but that would have been a terrible choice. Instead, he sat up with the gun in his lap, his back curled and the longer strands of of his black hair covering his face.
Three things he can hear.
The ticking of the clock.
He didn't know when he became so aware of it. It didn't bother him in his sleep nor did he heart it when he woke up. But now it seemed to tick louder and louder. With every second that passed, it seemed like time really stopped around him and the clock was only a memory of the world before, carried into the present only to mock the past.
Like he was.
The dog barking outside.
It took some time before he could indetify the second thing he could hear. He remained in his bed, his skin cold and bared, only his lower half covered by the sheets. The barking helped him wake up for a second time, as the only sign of life outside his room. He looked at his hand, turning it on all sides and curling his fingers, almost awed that he had, after all, a functional body. He put the gun next to the clock on the side and cracked his fingers, the sound echoing in the room.
Two things he could smell.
Now this was a hard one. Often times he found himself smelling blood and death everywhere he would go. He could be in an office room or taking a walk along the river, the smell of death seemed to follow him everywhere when he would lose his focus. It happened this time as well, so he found the strenght to get out of bed and walk to the window. His bare feet touched the floor, but his upper body was already cold. The sensation was almost pleasurable, the way the warmth was leaving his body. He wondered if this is how Eren felt when his titan form vanished into hot vapour. His pants were hanging low on his waist, the hem brushing against the floor. He stepped almost stepped on them, close to trip over his own feet, but he couldn't bother to pull them up and tie them well around his waist. Instead, he opened the window as wide as possible, placing his palms on the window sill and leaning his whole body forward. The air coming out of his his room was warmer than the outside. The breaths he took in were so cold it stung his throat but the ones he let out were so hot he could see them leave his body.
Could this fog come from a titan, one so big and so hot that it would have been more considerate to let him crash the world under his feet than drown it in his steam? But the world was big, there was no way this fog could engluf all of it. Or could it?
Two things he could smell.
He had to remind that to himself. He took a deep breath, focusing all his attention to the air he took in. Smoke. That was the smell. Now that he opened the window he could see that the world was still going on as it had always been. Turning away from his own world, the outside looked unbothered, like nothing could ever stop the present to become the past. The village neaby was very much alive, the smoke from its chimneys filling the air. Maybe he could use some heating. Although lost again in his own thoughts, he indentified the second thing he could smell without any effort. From the first floor, the windows of the kitchen were wide open and the warm and sweet smell of bread and baked potatoes was rising up in the air to his window.
He was hungry. And cold. Levi's entire body shivered. It seemed like he was physically imune to his basic needs as long as he did not consciously process them. But now his mind was aware of his body and his hands gripped the waist band of his pants, finally putting them on properly over his hips.
One thing he could taste.
He hated leaving things unfinished, yet every time he found himself doing this kind of small exercise to try and get a grip on his overflowing thoughs and feelings there was no thing to taste.
A knock on the door distracted him from his thoughts.
"Who is it?" He asked, as boldly and cold as he always spoke. You could never guess from the other side of the door that he had been struggling a few moments prior. In front of everyone else he was calm, composed and most of all in control.
"I brought you breakfast, captain."
"Come in." He greeted you leaning with his back against the window, curtains flowing at his sides. He didn't greet you further nor did he seem to be bothered he was half naked. He simply waited for you to do what you came to do.
"I figured you're not in the mood for the chaos downstairs."
Levi looked at the tray you carefully placed on the desk. It was filled with a little bit of everything, from salty to sweet and savory. Above everything he was aching for the hot coffee that he could smell from the other side of the room. You sat on his bed and took a bite of sweet bread.
"Aren't you cold, captain?" He only sniffed, closing the window and grabbing a T-shirt from the pile of clothes on the chair. He was, indeed, cold. You continued talking about the fighting for food, all the newbies full of hopes and energy being too much to handle before noon. He only listened. You were Hange's recommendation. You were neither the most skilled scout nor the most daring ranger, but you shared her fascination for titan research. He took a warm sip of coffee and the liquid fell down his throat warming up his frozen body from inside.
Often times Levi felt like an imposter in the present. All his life he had fought for survival and he even swore an oath, but after losing friend after friend he started wondering if his place was here among the living or in the afterlife with them. He was fighting for a cause greater than him. That was enough reason to survive. But sometimes, more times than he would like to admit, he would run out of willpower and ghosts of the past would take over him. Often times he felt like the world didn't want him to be alive. Like his own world had ended before and now he was a stranger in the new one.
"Captain?" And there were times when you would come to bother him like this, paying attention if he ate, if he'a tired, whether he slept enough or his wounds needed to be cleaned. During these times, he felt a warmth from within, the kind of feeling he only seldom experienced in his life. And he felt welcome in this world. He wasn't fighting for an oath, for a cause. He was fighting for his own place in this world. Because he felt like he had one.
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