#bet it's clarkson doing

[silverfoxstole]

He might not have been able to get the speed he wanted but at least the Ariel Atom didn't have the catastrophic effect on Paul's face that it did on Jeremy Clarkson's...!

[jessicaloons]

Chapter 40:

And some things you just can’t speak about…

Masterlist - Previous - Next

TW: Miscarriage

Charles POV:

I felt my phone vibrate for the third time, while trying to focus on the questions, wondering what was going on. As soon as Tom Clarkson ended the press conference I stormed outside, taking my phone out. Multiple missed calls from JK. I called him back immediately, a sickening feeling in my stomach.

"What’s going on, JK?" I asked when he picked up.

"Lizzie ran away." JK answered and I was confused.

"What do you mean, Lizzie ran away? Where are you?" I asked, panic starting to overcome me.

"I don’t know what happened. She ran off in the middle of her interview. She’s gone. All of her stuff is still here. But she’s gone. And she’s not picking up her phone either!"

"I’m coming to you…"

"I’m already here…" JK stood in front of me all of a sudden.

"But… she wouldn’t just leave?"

"Julie said that she said 'Fuck this shit. I’m done.' and then left. She’s not at her garage or hospitality. All her stuff was still there, but she’s gone."

"Why did she run away? She wouldn’t just say fuck it and leave for no reason?"

"She was in the middle of an interview and then she left…"

"I bet my ass it was a Spanish outlet." I said and JK nodded "I should’ve said something. Set the record straight. Fuck."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"She didn’t just punch Sainz for no reason, who does that anyways? He said that I should learn how to tame my bitch." I grit out and he looked at me with big eyes and a look of pure disgust on his face.

"Asshole."

"I know… but now I need to find her!"

"Try your hotel. I think that’s the best option then." he suggested.

"Yeah… but what if…" I began.

"Don’t think like that. Go. Look for her. Call me when you’re there. If Lizzie is there, good. If not, we’ll go and find her!" JK patted my back and handed me Lizzie’s bag.

"I go and grab my stuff now, then I go to our hotel. Thanks JK, really!" I sprinted back to the Ferrari hospitality, Mia already awaiting me "Whatever it is, it has to wait, there’s an emergency."

"What happened?" Mia asked alarmed.

"Lizzie ran away… she’s gone. No one knows where she is… I need to find her." I already walked up the stairs, just grabbing my things and ready to leave when Silvia’s voice called out for Mia.

"Mia? Is Charles back from the press conference? He and Carlos need to film a video."

"Charles just left…" Mia began but got interrupted immediately.

"He left? He can’t just leave? Call him! He has to come back!" I rolled my eyes at her shrill voice.

"You don’t want him to come back, Silvia. He threw up. Twice. I’m just glad that he was thinking fast enough to hide behind a container. Just imagine if someone would’ve filmed that!" Mia lied.

"True. That would be something we don’t need right now, one of our drivers vomiting in the paddock." Silvia sighed "Alright, then I go and look for Carlos. You check in on Charles."

"I will." Mia said and walked up the stairs "Alright. Go out through the back door, no one will see you there! And text me when you’ve found Lizzie. Or if you need help finding her!"

"Thank you Mia!" I hugged her and then left through the back door like she said. I made it out of the paddock and back to the hotel without being seen by anyone. I almost sprinted out of the elevator, through the door of our hotel room.

There she sat. On the sofa. Knees hugged tight to her chest. Eyes closed. Quietly humming. Relieve flooding me, although the way she sat there, looking so small, almost made my heart break. I carefully approached her, gently touched her knee and she flinched a little, looking up.

"Hey." she whispered as I sat down next to her.

"Hey." I replied cupping her tear stained cheek "What happened?"

"It’s ridiculous. I overreacted." she mumbled but I shook my head.

"I don’t think so… it was the Spanish media. They are coming after you because you dared to touch their hero Sainz senior." I said and she chuckled bitterly.

"Yeah. But you know, without proof what he said? No one will believe me. And they won’t believe your words, because of course you would lie for me…"

"I’ll find a solution. I promise you…"

"No! You can’t do anything Charles! I don’t want you to lose your seat because of this!" she almost cried and I pulled her into my lap, leaning back.

"I won’t, trust me! I already have an idea and if it works they all see what a disgusting man he is…" I whispered and she nodded slowly.

"I want this season to be over." Lizzie sighed after a while and I kissed the crown of her head.

"Yeah… me too. It’s one to forget, to be honest. But we have to put on a brave face and show everyone who doubts us that we’re better than them, okay? Better than all of them!" I smiled encouraging at her and she nodded slowly.

"Yeah… and we’re starting out with you on pole and me right behind!"

"Hell yes."

"Charles? A word?" Mattia said right as I wanted to grab my helmet.

"What’s up?" I asked, taking a sip out of my bottle.

"I need you to stick to our plan today. You can’t get your feelings for Lizzie get the better of you. You have to defend Carlos. He made it on pole! Keep Lizzie out of his range…" he said and I rolled my eyes "I’m serious Charles!"

"Whose idea was it to start on the softs? To be able to fully attack? Right. Mine. Who said that getting in front of Lizzie at the start is the most important thing to do to help Carlos? Right. Me. I know what I have to do. No need to remind me…" I said grabbing my helmet, wanting to leave.

"I just wanted to make sure that we’re still on the same page."

"Yeah. We are. Can I go now? Thanks." I brushed past him.

"What was that about?" Andrea asked when he took my helmet from me.

"He wanted to remind me to stick to MY plan…" I sighed and Andrea rolled his eyes.

"Your plan to help Carlos win… because he can’t do it alone…" he said under his breath and I chuckled a little.

"Andrea." I chided.

"I didn’t say anything…" he grinned, following me out to my car "But if I did… it would be the truth."

"Lizzie rubs off on you." I chuckled.

"Maybe. But it’s just for the best I think." he shrugged his shoulders and I nodded.

"Yeah, it really is. Let’s go now, let’s help Carlos win this race." I sighed while Andrea rolled his eyes.

"Yay. Sounds fun… not."

"It’s scary how similar you and Lizzie are getting."

"As long as you won’t kiss me, it’s good."

"We'll see about that."

The race was long. Exhausting. After half the distance my fingers began to hurt, but I powered through. After fighting with Charles for multiple laps I finally was able to leave him behind, knowing that he sacrificed his race for Sainz. Now I had to fully focus on him in front. I wouldn’t let him take home this win. He would stay winless after today. I pushed as hard as I could and managed to finally overtake him and create a little gap between us. But he was quick to recover and the next few laps were a tight battle, with me staying in front but not with much.

"Do I have anything left?"

"Negative."

"Fuck. My tires are gone as well."

"Just keep pushing. 5 more laps to go."

I tried. I gave my all. My car was going around the corners with barely an inch between the walls at some parts of the track. My tires were more than gone. And when Pete finally said that it was the final lap I felt relieve flood me. One last lap. But Sainz came closer and closer with each turn. Right as I drove into turn 16 I saw him, closer as ever and I pushed hard. Through turn 17. Straight down into turn 18 and I was still slightly ahead when all of a sudden I lost all control, felt the strong pulling of the g forces in my bones, spun around and crashed right into the wall before the final corner. The impact raged like a tidal wave through my body. My mind buzzing. I was out of the race.

"Are you okay? Lizzie?"

I couldn’t answer. Hands trembling. Arms felt heavy. Neck and shoulders tense. A dull pain in the pit of my stomach, a weird pulling.

"Lizzie?"

I saw marshals approaching. A searing pain shot through my hand. When I tried to unbuckle myself. Of course. My already injured hand had to bitch now even more.

"Lizzie? Are you okay?"

"Did that really happen? Did he really…?"

Radio silence. I knew what that meant. Sainz did in fact drive straight into me. Sent me off track. Won the race.

"You have to wait for the medical car." one of the marshals said but I shook my head and climbed over the wall.

"No, I don’t." I replied, out of breath. The heat. The exhaustion. The impact still in my bones. The pain in my fingers. The abdominal pain, getting worse with every step. It all was too much and I felt myself swaying. I grabbed onto the wall to steady myself and took a deep breath. Then I almost jogged towards the pit lane. Saw how the cars passed me after their out lap, returning to the pit lane as well. I had to be there before Charles got out of his car. I knew that he saw what happened. It was still on replay on all the screens. He would be seething. He would be going straight for Sainz, cameras or not. Another Marshall saw me struggling and held me upright.

"You should go to the medical centre." he suggested but I shook my head.

"I can’t. I have to go to the pits." I breathed heavily and continued "I’m fine. Really!" he let go of me reluctantly and I felt his look on me for a while. I saw how Charles parked his car and knew I had to be faster. I clenched my teeth and kept going. Right as I felt like I would faint I dropped my helmet and someone was catching me from falling.

Charles POV:

The car wasn’t even properly parked, the engine not even switched off when I unbuckled my seatbelt and threw the headrest away. Climbed out. Threw the steering wheel back in. My helmet followed. Then I looked around. Saw how Carlos jumped into the open arms of our mechanics. Saw them cheering. Celebrating. Singing. My blood began to boil. Pure rage surging through my veins. I wanted to break his bones. Every. Single. One. I stalked towards the scene when someone stopped me.

"Wrong way." Pierre held me back.

"Get out of my way."

"Charles, not here. Not for everyone to see."

"Look at him! Look at them! Look how they celebrate!" I screamed and some heads were turning our way.

"I know but…"

"You know nothing! It’s my girlfriend he sent straight into a wall! On purpose! He probably didn’t even ask if she’s okay!" more and more people where looking at us. Some guys from my team as well, all looking conflicted. Pierre still held me back "Let go of me."

"No." he pushed me away from my destination "I won’t let you do…"

"I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU…" I began to scream when I heard a weak voice calling out for me.

"Charles…" Lizzie.

I turned around. My heart dropped. She clung to Alex, who held her upright. She was pale and sweaty. Body shaking. Her helmet on the ground, visor cracked. I ran up to her. Pulled her into me.

"Are you okay, cara mia?" I whispered and she nodded slowly.

"I’m okay. A little exhausted… I honestly didn’t think that the way would be that far. My cardio sucks." she chuckled breathlessly but I pulled away, cupping her cheeks.

"Why didn’t you wait for the medical car? Why aren’t you on the way to the medical centre?" I looked at her.

"Take a good guess…"

"Cara mia…" I began but she shook her head.

"No! You say nothing! You stay calm!" her voice was firm although I could see how hard it was for her to just stand "Please Charles, don’t do anything stupid!" she almost pleaded.

"Okay, I won’t. I promise! But can I please take you to the medical centre?" now I was the one pleading.

"I think you should first go and congratulate your team and team ma-…" she began but I scoffed.

"Congratulate them? For what? He sent you straight into a wall! He needs to be penalised…" I seethed and took her helmet that Alex handed me "Thanks mate, for helping Lizzie…"

"No worries, just get her to see a doc, she almost fainted twice on her way here." Alex said and gently patted Lizzie’s arm.

"Thanks Albono!" Lizzie smiled at him, but I could clearly see her exhaustion.

"Come on, pretty girl, let’s get you to the medical centre." I whispered following Pierre, who took my helmet out of my car, to our weighing.

I waited outside the hospital room, mind reeling. When the doctor at the track said they had to take Lizzie to the hospital I expected the worst. My heart was racing. The minutes I had to wait felt like hours when finally a nurse opened the door and let me in. Lizzie was pale but she didn’t look like she was seriously injured, but the look on the doctor’s face as he told me to wait until she would wake up made me feel uneasy. I looked around, there was a big plastic bag with her racing suit and fireproof on the chair in the corner and when I looked closer I saw something red staining the bag. I didn’t need to look again. I swallowed hard. Blood. But where did it come from? Was there something I didn’t see? Was this the reason the doctor rushed her to the hospital? Breathing got harder and I tried to calm myself down, right when Lizzie opened her eyes, frantically searching the room until they found mine and she visible relaxed.

"Hey cara mia. How are you feeling?" I asked, voice trembling a little, drawing circles on the back of her hand with my thumb. She sat up a little and smiled lightly.

"I’m okay, Charles!" she said and smoothed down my ruffled hair a little, the result of my anxiety over the past hour "What happened? We were at weighing and then all is kinda blurry?"

"You fainted-…" I began when the door opened and a doctor came in.

"Hi Lizzie, how are we feeling?" he asked and Lizzie shrugged a little.

"I’m okay. A little tired. Nothing bad going on." she answered and yawned quietly.

"Were you feeling unwell before today?" the doctor asked and Lizzie shook her head.

"You felt sick for weeks, Lizzie!" I said sternly and Lizzie just sighed.

"It was a stomach bug. That’s it." she said and the doctor shook his head slightly.

"For weeks? And sometimes it was more, sometimes less?" Charles looked at the doctor.

"I see… Lizzie there is something that we need to talk about…" he began and looked at me for a moment.

"Whatever it is, you can say it in front of him, it’s fine." she said and he nodded.

"I’m sorry to inform you, but due to the high forces in the car when crashing into the wall, you had a miscarriage…" the doctor said and I could hear Lizzie inhaling sharply "We’d say you weren’t that far along maybe 8th to 9th week if we’re correct?"

I looked at Lizzie, shocked expression on her face. She was pregnant? We were having a baby?

"Miscarriage? I was… I was pregnant?" she whispered, her voice hoarse.

"You didn’t know?” the doctor asked and she shook her head slightly, then closed her eyes and pulled her hand out of my grasp and put it in her lap, fiddling with her cuticles as always when she was nervous or anxiety ridden "I’m sorry to be the bearer of this sad news. We’d like to have you over for the night to make sure you’re all good and then you can leave tomorrow."

With that he left and Lizzie sobbed quietly, tears streaming down her face, she pulled her knees up to her chest, hissing in pain but hugged them close, her head turned away from me.

"Mon amour? Lizzie? Hey! Look at me!" I whispered and sat next to her in the bed and tried to make her look at me.

"I’m sorry Charles! I’m so sorry! I didn’t know! I would never get in the car if I knew that I was pregnant! I would never… I’m so sorry!" she cried and I pulled her in my lap, hugging her tight "I lost our baby, Charles! I’m so sorry!"

"Stop apologising! It’s not your fault! You don’t have to be sorry for anything! Do you hear me?" I said but she was shaking and whispering how sorry she was over and over.

"Please don’t hate me for losing our baby!" she whispered after a while and my heart broke.

"Enough! You hear me, cara mia? It’s enough! Stop apologising for something that wasn’t your fault! Stop feeling guilty for something you didn’t know! Stop blaming yourself! It wasn’t your fault. And please stop thinking that I could ever hate you! I love you, Lizzie! You hear me? I. LOVE. YOU!" I said and held her close, kissed her temple, forehead, cheeks again and again "It’s okay! We’re going to be ok? Alright? Stop apologising, Lizzie! Please!"

She nodded slightly but I could hear her soft sobs for quite some time, before she finally fell asleep and just then I allowed myself to feel the same devastation. We were having a baby. I would’ve become a dad. And my beautiful Lizzie would’ve become a mum. But not anymore. And she blamed herself for it. Thought I could hate her. Her out of all people. I kissed her on the crown of her head.

"I love you, Lizzie and there’s nothing you could ever do to change that. One day you and I will have a baby and it’s going to be one of the most beautiful days of our life’s!" I whispered and after some time I fell asleep myself.

I woke up when I heard someone talk loudly in Italian in the hallway and sat up, careful not to wake up Lizzie. I got out of the bed and stretched a little before I opened the door.

"…he can’t just disappear like that!" Mattia said to Andrea who scoffed.

"What did you expect? That he would celebrate while his girlfriend fainted multiple times and has to stay at the medical centre? After crashing out? Because someone sent her straight into the wall?" he replied and Mattia rolled his eyes.

"It was a racing incident. She didn’t leave enough spa-…" Mattia began.

"Bullshit. Lizzie had the corner and he didn’t leave her enough space! And instead of backing down he drove straight into her!" I said loudly and they both turned around.

"Charles, that is not what was happening!" Mattia said "They were close the whole last lap and at this corner she should’ve left him more space."

"Why? That he can overtake her? Who does that? Who? She was in front. She had the corner. So he did the only thing he could do, he touched her, made her crash out. In the last corner." I had to suppress my anger.

"Yes, they made contact. And Carlos got a penalty. For causing a collision. The FIA dealed with it. It’s all good now…"

"It’s all good now? IT’S ALL GOOD NOW? Lizzie! She had a mi-… no. Nothing is all good now!" I almost screamed, Andrea putting his hand on my shoulder.

"Look, I’m sorry Lizzie has to be here. But as Carlos teammate I expected you to congratulate him. I expected you to celebrate with the team. It was important. It was his first win after all! He ended the domination of Red Bull. But you left without a word. You weren’t at any interview. You’ll be fined and we won’t pay for it. That is on you. But you’re going to be at the race debrief. I won’t tolerate your absence." Mattia turned around and left, without giving me the chance to say a word.

"How is she?" Andrea asked me and I felt my throat closing in. I shook my head, trying to get a word out but couldn’t. The weight of the news still heavy in my stomach.

"She’s umm- she’s okay. Under the circumstances… I mean… yeah- she… she’ll be okay." I stammered and Andrea nodded, sensing how bad I felt.

"What happened? Come on. You can tell me. It’s okay." Andrea lead me to a seating area and sat down, I did the same and leaned back, closing my eyes.

"Andrea… Lizzie- she was… we would’ve become- she lost our baby…" I whispered the last part and Andreas eyes widened in horror "She didn’t knew that she was pregnant. But the high g-forces when she crashed into that wall? It was too much. The baby… it couldn’t survive it… Lizzie had a miscarriage."

"I’m going to kill him. He stood there, celebrated like he was a king. Celebrated like he won this race through his own brilliance when it was you who defended him for such a long time to create a big, fat gap. Ferrari wanted you to sacrifice your entire race to help him win. And you did and he… he only won by pushing Lizzie off… and then he didn’t even mention you once. He didn’t acknowledge your involvement. He didn’t thank you. Nothing! Mattia didn’t as well! They didn’t mention Lizzie at all! Not saying that they were hoping she’d be fine! Nothing!" Andrea was furious and I hid my face in my hands, arms on my knees.

"I’m not leaving her alone. I don’t care about the race debrief or what Mattia will do. I don’t care about it all anymore." I whispered.

"You’re going to that race debrief and you show them all that no matter what they throw your way, you overcome it all!" Lizzie’s weak voice behind me made me flinch and I turned around.

There she stood, pale, swollen eyes, tired, in her hospital gown. Looking nothing but determined.

"Lizzie! You should stay in bed!" I got up but she took a step back, holding up her hand to stop me "Cara mia…"

"No. You go. Both of you. Carlos won today. We can’t change that. He got a penalty but still won. It’s like this. But you don’t give him, his family, Mattia or anyone else the satisfaction that you can’t handle it or something. No. You go to that debrief. You put on a smile. You congratulate him. You be the bigger person. You show your honour. And from then on you show them who you are. You do the talking on track. You destroy him. In every single race to come. You finish ahead of him at the end of the season." Lizzie sounded determined and I looked at her. She was the strongest person I’ve ever known. I nodded slowly and took a cautious step towards her and she took one towards me as well. Two more steps and I engulfed her in a tight embrace.

"I love you, cara mia. So so much!" I whispered in her ear, kissing her cheek.

"I love you too, Il predestinato! Go and show them who’s the best driver!" she replied and I looked her in the eyes for a moment before I leaned in for a kiss. Her warm lips brushed against mine and for a moment I forgot everything around us "Go now. I’m fine. JK and Julie will stop by later with some fresh clothes. I won’t be alone."

"Are you sure?" I asked her and she nodded "Okay. I’ll be back as soon as I can!" I kissed her once again. I stepped aside and Andrea hugged Lizzie.

"Mia ragazza… I’m so sorry." he whispered and Lizzie nodded a little "I make sure that Charles won’t do anything stupid… don’t worry!"

"Thank you, Andrea." Lizzie breathed out.

"You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met." Andrea said when he pulled away, kissing her cheek "Let’s go." he looked at me and I nodded, watching Lizzie returning back to her room, climbing into the bed.

"Let’s make this quick."

I walked inside. The trophy sitting int the middle of the table. Mattia and Carlos talking with his father and cousin, Riccardo, his race engineer right next to them. A whole bunch of our team still with a big smile on their face, talking animatedly about the race. I sat wordlessly down, at the end of the table, not making a sound and waited for the debrief to start. Alessandro, Callo and Mario came up to me, patting my shoulder and I looked up.

"Hey, how’s Lizzie?" Alessandro asked and I forced myself to smile a little.

"She’s okay. Not great, sure, but she’ll be fine." I replied and they both nodded, smiling.

"That’s good. Really good." Mario said, right as Andrea walked in and sat down next to me, handing me a bottle of water.

"Charles? Hey… how’s Lizzie? I heard she’s in the hospital?" Fabrizio asked, sitting down next to me.

"Yeah, they had to make some more tests, it wasn’t just a little bump after all. But she’s okay." I said again, feeling the bile rise up my throat.

"Yeah? That’s good. I’m glad to hear that." he gently patted my arm and I nodded.

"Yeah, it is." I pressed out, gulping down some water, while Andrea nudged my thigh a little, smiling at me.

"Alright everyone. There’s not much to debrief tonight. We had a fantastic weekend with the best possible result. Tyre degradation was working in our favour this weekend, but it’s still one of our main problems. Also the reliability of some components. But we know now that Red Bull is beatable. It was a tough battle, but in the end we can all celebrate Carlos’ first win now!" Mattia said and I looked first at him, then at Carlos. Big smile on his face. His father and cousin smiling at him looking all proud, his mechanics cheering, beer bottles getting passed along. Everyone started to chat. And I sat there. Looking at Mattia. Laughing and joking with Sainz senior. I felt anger rising up. This was the important debrief I had to attend. The debrief that made me leave Lizzie behind. Alone. No.

"That’s it?" I asked loudly and the room fell silent "That’s the race debrief? That’s all you have to say?"

"What else is there to say?" Mattia looked at me as I got up.

"This is why I left my girlfriend alone in the hospital after someone sent her straight into a wall?" my voice was trembling with anger but he didn’t say anything.

"Charles…" Andrea began but I shook my head, walking towards the door where Mattia stood with Carlos, his father and cousin.

"Congratulations Carlos. Congratulations Matti, it looks like you finally got your long awaited Santander win." I said, then I walked out, Andrea following me.

"Hey my pretty girl, how are you?" Charles asked when he walked inside and I shrugged my shoulders a little.

"I don’t know. It’s weird… I didn’t know that I was pregnant… I just-…" I stopped. Looking at my hands. Not sure what to say and what to feel.

"Lizzie? Hey… it’s okay. Whatever you feel is okay. You can talk to me. Or not. Whatever you need now… just don’t push me away entirely, okay?" Charles took my hand in his and kissed my knuckles, smiling at me "We’re in this together. You and me. Okay?"

"When we talked about us having kids… I didn’t thought about the when… one day sure… but now? I don’t think I would’ve been ready… it would’ve meant giving up my career? Everything I fought so hard for? It’s selfish to think like that… I know… but- but I think I’m relieved that I lost it? I’m a horrible person for thinking that way, I know! But it’s just… I don’t know… I’m sorry." I whispered, not able to look at him, knowing that he would be shocked and hurt by my words.

"Can you please look at me?" he asked me gently and I looked up "It’s not selfish to want this chance, this opportunity not to end. I know how hard it was for you to make it into Formula 1. I know the blood, sweat and tears you invested. And it doesn’t make you a horrible person… because last night? I saw how sorry you were. And how much it hurt you… you don’t have to feel sorry, okay?"

"It’s just so weird. Because although I’m relieved… I’m also sad? This little bean? That was us. You and I. And it was in me. It was a part of me, unknowingly, but still. And now it’s gone. And I’m not sure if I’m even allowed to feel sad? Because I didn’t want it in the first place?" Charles wiped away my tears and leaned his forehead against mine.

"You can feel every way you want to… you can be sad. Mad. Frustrated. Confused. Relieved. It’s okay. It’s a lot to process. But at the end of the day, it’s only important that you know that it’s all going to be okay. I’m with you. Always. And the next time a little bean is growing in your belly? Maybe then is the time for us to be happy. To be excited. But we have time. As much time as you need." he whispered and I nodded slowly.

"How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Always find the right words? Always know what to say? Always know what to do? How are you so perfect?" I smiled and he chuckled.

"It’s easy. I do it for you. And you’re perfect. You deserve only the best. That means that I have to be the best. So I’m trying my best…"

"You’re succeeding."

Charles POV:

I left Lizzie’s room when her doctor and a nurse came to do some final tests. I took the elevator downstairs. The silence in the confined room was deafening. Lizzie’s words still echoing in my mind. She felt relieved. Relieved that she lost our baby. Our baby. I took a deep breath. The bell signalling the doors opening. I looked up when a nurse wheeled in a young woman, baby in her arms. I swallowed hard, stepping aside. I watched the young mother gently stroking the cheek of her newborn. Kissing the baby’s forehead. A void inside of me opening. A cold numbness overcoming me. I didn’t know how to feel. Sad? Mad? Relieved? Confused? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? From everything a little? I flinched when the baby started to cry. I watched how the young mother cradled her little bundle of joy closer to her chest, softly cooing, trying to calm down her most prized possession. I stepped out of the elevator as soon as the doors opened and just started walking, no idea where I would go.

I found a quiet seating area and sat down. My mind reeling. I had no right to be mad at Lizzie. It was her body. Her choice. She would have to end her career. Not me. She would be the one carrying the baby for the next nine months. Not me. I understood her. Of course I did. But still. The thought of this tiny little bean. This tiny little something. A mix of us. Something we created through our love. To hear that she felt relieved that it was gone hurt for some reason. Like hell. After a while I checked the time, realising that I was sitting there for almost 20 minutes and got up, went back to Lizzie’s room. Putting on a brave smile. A reassuring one. I had to be strong now. And supportive. What happened didn’t happen to me, but to Lizzie. And I had to be strong now. For her.

"The cramping usually stops within a day, maybe two. You can take painkillers. It’s normal that there might be some light bleeding or spotting for the next 4 to 6 weeks. You should see your ob-gyn in around two weeks and they may do an ultrasound exam or other tests to make sure all the tissue has passed. Also no heavy lifting. And no sexual intercourse for the next one, better two weeks…" the nurse said and Lizzie nodded.

"Oh don’t worry, we don’t want another accident happen so soon." she joked half heartedly and I groaned. Accident.

"Can you maybe not make these kind of jokes just now…" I let out, harsher than intended, and she looked up from her bag, eyes wide.

"I’m sorry." she whispered, looking back down, her shoulders visible tensing.

"No… I’m sorry." I gently took her hand in mine but she pulled away.

"I’m ready, we can go… thank you for everything." Lizzie grabbed her bag and smiled at the nurse. I wanted to take her bag but she already started walking out the room.

"Fuck…" I muttered under my breath "Thank you!" I nodded at the nurse, following Lizzie, who was almost at the elevator "Lizzie wait…" I called after her "Hey! Cara mia, give me your bag."

"I’m fine..." she whispered, turning away.

"Lizzie, please. Give me your bag." I repeated, but she shook her head, still not looking at me.

"I’ll be in the car on the weekend. I can carry my bag." she said right as the elevator doors opened.

"I know that you can, but you don’t have to. So please, cara mia." I almost pleaded but Lizzie was stubborn and carried her bag all the way to the car and from the car back to our hotel room as well.

"I already packed your suitcase last night, I just left some clothes for the flight out… I hope what I picked was okay?" I said to her and she only nodded, grabbing the clothes and then disappeared in the bathroom. I heard the shower going and could’ve sworn that I heard Lizzie sob "Cara mia? Are you okay?" I knocked on the door.

"Yeah. I’ll hurry, don’t worry." her voice confirmed my suspicion, she was crying.

"Lizzie, can I come in?" I said gently.

"I’m okay, Charles. Just give me a minute."

I sighed and sat down on the bed, thinking about what I did.

"You can go now if you want…" Lizzie said and I flinched, she stood in front of me, fully dressed, her hair wrapped in a towel.

"Can we talk about what happened?" I tried it again but Lizzie walked away.

"There is nothing to talk and if you want to take a shower you need to hurry up, the car is here in 20 minutes." she sat down at the table and began to blow dry her hair and I sighed, knowing that I wouldn’t get her to talk. At least not now. Defeated I grabbed my stuff and want to the bathroom, not without looking at Lizzie once more. Her shoulders slumped, eyes trained down to the floor. Great fucking job, Charles.

I called Julie, silently begging that she would answer the call immediately.

"Lizzie, hey! How are you?" Julie sounded worried.

"I’m fine. Really." I said although I didn’t felt like it.

"Okay… if I can do anything, just let me know, okay?"

"Actually, there is something you can do…" I said, taking a deep breath.

"Yeah, sure, everything."

"Can you book a room for me in Japan?" I asked.

"It’s already booked… Mia sent me the details…" she sounded confused.

"No… umm- a room… for me. Just me."

Silence.

"Okay… whatever you want…" Julie said after a while.

"Thank you… see you in Suzuka…" I hung up and finished my hair, pulling it up into a messy bun right when Charles came out of the bathroom, packing away his things "Ready? Joris texted me that the driver is here."

"Umm yeah. Sure. Let’s go…" Charles replied and grabbed his bag, as well as mine. I cocked an eyebrow but he shook his head "Just let me carry it, okay?"

"Okay…" I mumbled and we left the room, meeting up with Joris. I didn’t listen to anything they were saying and just wanted to get into the plane, put my head down and sleep. Or at least try to. I was never really a fan of sleeping on the plane but maybe after last night sleep would find me easily.

"Cara mia?" I heard Charles whisper and opened my eyes "We landed."

"Already?" I yawned and he nodded.

"You were gone the moment you sat down." Charles smiled and I stretched a little.

"Okay…" I got up and grabbed my bag, following Charles out of the plane and all the way through to the arrival hall, where already a bunch of fans were waiting for us, mostly Charles, but still. I smiled for as many selfies as possible, signed stuff and thanked the fans for coming although I was more than exhausted. Light cramps made me flinch a little and I felt how I had to force my smile more and more with every new selfie.

"Guys, leave Lizzie a little space to breathe. The crash is still in her bones!" Charles stepped next to me and some fans immediately took some steps back, but not all of them and with Charles now next to me, even more people swarmed us and he pulled me to his side. With Joris on my other side and some securities coming to our help, we made it outside and into our car.

"I think we really should consider hiring bodyguards for yo- for us." Charles said hastily when I glared at him.

"I was fine before you and your whole mob of fangirls came along." I said bluntly and he looked at me for a moment, as if he wanted to say something, but then he shook his head and turned to Joris.

"You have a dinner later. You have to attend. Sorry…" he said and Charles groaned.

"How much time do I have?"

"Let’s say, check in, change, go? And we still might be a little late."

"Great. Just great." Charles looked at me and I shrugged my shoulders "I don’t want to leave you alone…"

"I’m fine. In fact, I’m meeting up with Julie anyways, she wants to show me some stuff for Netflix." I lied and he nodded "I’ll go straight to her room when we arrive."

"Okay… but Lizzie? Don’t overwork yourself… the doctor said to take it a little slow. Please."

"Don’t worry, I will." I replied when our car stopped and another mass of fans was waiting "Round 2 I guess."

"How did Charles react?" Julie asked when I dropped my bag on the sofa.

"Umm… he doesn’t know." I replied and she made big eyes "It’s better like this."

"Yeah maybe, but you still should tell him that! And not just let him walk into an empty hotel room…"

"I’m going to send him a text. We need a little space. He’s hurt and mad… and it’s not because I had a miscarriage… it’s because I said that I’m relieved." I almost whispered.

"But you explained him why, right? I can’t imagine Charles being mad if he knows the reasons? It’s Charles after all?" she cocked an eyebrow as I sat down on the sofa.

"Yeah but his reaction? I- I think he’s more hurt than he wants to admit. He needs time to think about it. To process it. And he can’t do that when I’m next to him all the time." I grabbed my phone and opened a text for Charles "He will understand."

"I hope you’re right…"

I groaned, turning to switch on the nightstand lamp.

"What the actual fuck…" I muttered, the hammering at my door got even more frantic "What…" I checked the time 1:17 am. I scrambled out of the bed and walked to the door, looking through the peephole. Charles. My heart hammering in my chest.

"Open the door please, cara mia!" his voice hoarse.

"Charles? What are you doing here? At this time?" I whispered when I opened the door to let him in and he pulled me into a tight embrace.

"I hate it like this. When we’re separated! I don’t sleep well when you’re not next to me… I’m sorry that I woke you up but I just couldn’t stand being away from you for just one more minute…" Charles mumbled, his hot breath tickling my ear.

He looked tired, exhausted, something I noticed this morning as well.

"I just thought that after Singapore… you were clearly mad at me when I made that stupid joke…" I began and he cupped my cheeks.

"I know and I’m sorry. It was more that I had to wrap my head around this all for a moment and you were already joking about it… and I know that it’s just a coping mechanism… but in that moment? I thought about this little bean, our little bean, and it made me sad and hurt that you were happy that it’s gone, although I completely understood why you were relieved! And I fully support you! It’s just… I don’t know? I just needed a moment to get it all sorted out. I shouldn’t have snapped at you! I know that! And I’m so, so sorry that I did! But please understand me as well. And please don’t send me away. I don’t want to sleep without you ever again. It was horrible. I felt horrible. I need you by my side… especially here…" Charles almost whispered the last words and I realised how stupid and selfish I was.

"I’m so sorry Charles! I- I honestly didn’t even think about where we are… I just wanted to give you space and-…" I began but he silenced me with a kiss.

"I don’t ever want space from you, okay? Never. We talk. We find a solution. No one leaves." he leaned his forehead against mine "And can we please go to bed now? I’m so freaking tired…"

"Okay…" I whispered pulling him with me back into bed.

"I love you, Lizzie." Charles said after a while, holding me close to his body, his hand gently tracing my spine up and down.

"I love you too…" I tilted my head up and kissed his cheek "And I’m sorry for leaving you alone here-…"

"You don’t have to apologise, cara mia. I’m just happy to have you next to me again… it’s weird, but when you’re not next to me…"

"You can’t sleep well? It’s the same for me… I’m tossing and turning, but I don’t really sleep…" I whispered and he nodded.

"Yeah… I mean when I’m in Maranello alone, I can sleep because we talk before I go to bed? But this? When we don’t talk? I hate it…" he kissed the crown of my head "But you have to believe me, Lizzie, I wasn’t mad at you, never, okay? I just… I don’t know. The doctor said that there was a baby. Our baby. And suddenly all I ever dreamed of having was just right there in front of me… and in my mind, hearing you say that you were relieved was like saying you don’t want this. Us. I know it’s not the truth! But sometimes my mind plays these kinda tricks on me and I need a moment to sort it all out in my head. But there was not one second where I was mad at you. If I was mad, then at the situation. But nothing else, okay?"

I nodded. Wiping away a stray tear.

"We’re going to be fine. It’s all going to be okay, cara mia. You and me against the world." another kiss on my head "And now we really should sleep. We have quali today. And I don’t know about you, but I really want to wipe away that grin of some certain people’s faces…"

"Yeah… me too."

"Ryan Andrew’s, CBS. Lizzie after your crash in Singapore you seemed to be a little off the whole weekend in Japan, was the crash worse than it looked like? Was it potentially not a good idea to race?"

"Of course I still felt the crash in my bones. It was a high speed corner where I crashed out. But I was and am alright. The result in Japan had nothing to do with the crash." I lied, feeling Charles eyes on me.

"Kelly Johnson, BBC Sports. Charles, in Japan the Ferrari’s looked quite strong, after Singapore another good race for your team. Do you think you can repeat that performance this weekend?" the blonde reporter in the first row asked him.

"Yeah we did quite good, we seem to understand the car better now, so I’m hoping to see some better results in the next races."

"Michael Breitner. Auto, Motor, Sport. Question for Charles. Many people expected your contract renewal to be announced in Monza… that was now two races ago. Are the contract negotiations still going on?"

"To be honest I can’t tell you much about that. Because there is not much to say at the moment. I’m focusing on this season. Then the next season. My contractual situation is not really on my mind." Charles answered with a smile and I knew how hard it must’ve been for him to sit there and look like he was believing his own words, when inside it was killing him to not know what was going on.

"Is it possible that we might see you in a different team after next year?"

"I don’t know. In Formula 1 everything is possible as we know. Everyone knows how much I love my team and that I want to win the championship with them. But at the end of the day I just want to drive and if not at Ferrari then at any other team that believes in me. But for now I can’t talk about things this far in the future when I don’t know about them myself…"

A murmur went through the room, the heads of Max, Lewis and Nico snapping to look at Charles. To say that no one expected this answer was the understatement of the year.

"To make this clear, you do think of the possibility of leaving Ferrari for another team?"

"No. I’m not thinking of leaving Ferrari. I’m saying that if Ferrari doesn’t renew my contract, then I will look for another option." the smile he forced out looked almost painful and when the press conference was over and we left, I pulled Charles with me.

"They’re persistent, no?" he chuckled bitterly and I hugged him, massaged his scalp.

"Don’t listen to their questions. They just want to get a reaction out of you." I whispered "You will get your seat. Preferably at Ferrari, I know, but at the end of the day, seat is seat, okay?"

"Yeah… you’re right."

"Now come on. Let’s finish up and then cool down in our huge bathtub…" I kissed his cheek and pulled away, before he pulled me back in and kissed me tenderly.

"Better?" I laughed when he let go of me.

"Better."

I stopped the car and switched everything off, leaning my head back. Worst race ever. I opened up the visor, hoping for some cold and fresh air to stream in just to be greeted with the searing hot air of Qatar. I was never this happy that a race weekend was over. After taking a few shallow breaths, I tried to get out of the car. The struggle was real. My knees were wobbly. I clipped out the steering wheel and put it on the hood of my car, trying to pull myself up but failed miserably.

"Come here, cara mia." I heard Charles faint voice and looked up. He gently grabbed me by the waist, pulling me out of the cockpit, then sat me down on the halo, clipping my steering wheel back in place.

"Thank you, Charlie." I whispered, fighting with the straps of my helmet.

"Let me…" he said, unbuckling the clasp, pulling my helmet off "Hey pretty girl." he pulled my balaclava off next, wiping my sweaty hair out of my face.

"Hot. So freaking hot." I pressed out, pushing off of the halo, trying to cautiously slip off and take a first step, just to be caught by Charles "Fuck." I breathed out.

"You’re done…" he said, picking me up, holding me tight. He carried me bridal style into the cold hospitality, sitting me down on the floor "You’re totally overheated, Lizzie."

"My water was gone after the first couple of minutes already." I whispered, leaning my head against the cold wall.

"Here." Andrea appeared next to us, handing me a water bottle.

"I can’t. Need to go to weighing first." my voice barely above a whisper.

"It’s okay…" I heard an F1 official say and Charles unscrewed the cap of the bottle, holding it to my mouth, the moment the cold water streamed down my throat I let out a quiet moan.

"Stop making these noises for everyone to hear… only I’m allowed to hear that…" he chuckled underneath his breath and I managed a little smirk.

"Sorry…" I whispered "Is everyone okay? I’m not the only one who’s this done, or am I?"

"You’re definitely not." Pierre sank down next to leaning his head against the cold wall "Almost everyone is done for."

"Can we please never race here again." I sighed a little.

"Yeah… I would vote against it as well." Pierre whispered, his head on my shoulder.

"Me too." George plopped down on the floor in front of us, shuffling down his race suit "That’s just too much heat."

"Well… as director of the GPDA, take matters into your hands." I chuckled and he laughed.

"Later. For now I just need a moment to cool down."

"Same, same."

The room felt warm and welcoming, the yellow walls washing a sense of calm over me, only the smell of the disinfection spray didn’t fit in. When the door opened Charles squeezed my hand and smiled at me.

"Miss Doetterer. I only have good news for you. The tissue passed completely. Your blood values look good, same for everything else. Light bleeding or spotting in the next 2-3 weeks are normal, nothing to worry about." Dr. Bernard said.

"So it’s all good?" I asked and he nodded.

"Yes. It’s all good." he repeated and I took a deep breath in.

"Thanks, Dr. Bernard." Charles shook his hand and I did the same.

"I think that’s it for today. There’s only one thing left to say for me. Good luck in Mexico." Dr. Bernard smiled and we nodded, leaving his office.

"I’d say let’s grab something to eat and then head home, the car will pick us up pretty damn early." Charles opened the door for me and I slipped in "What do you want to eat?"

"I would love a pizza…" I mumbled and he chuckled.

"Pizza it is. I’m not telling JK if you’re not telling Andrea."

"That sounds like a deal!" I leaned back and watched the busy streets of Monaco, all the young families with their babies in the most beautiful and stylish strollers "I never noticed how many babies there are in Monaco." I almost whispered and Charles took my hand in his.

"One day, cara mia. Don’t worry… the time for our little family starting to grow will come." he kissed the back of my hand and I turned a little, looking at him "There’s still enough time. Maybe enough for the both of us to win a title."

"You will win a title sooner than later… me on the other hand? Not so sure, but I sure as hell keep trying."

"No no, our baby will have world champion parents." Charles sounded determined and I laughed.

"Our baby will have one definite world champion parent and one maybe world champion parent… let’s be realistic."

"I am!"

"Okay… whatever you say."

"But until then it’s quite a long way."

"The only way I’m caring about right now is the one to Antonio’s!" I pouted a little when my stomach grumbled.

"Got you. Less talking. More driving."

"Exactly." I laughed again.

"I’m just wondering… you get already really grumpy when you’re hungry just now… but when a tiny human is growing inside you?" Charles raised his eyebrows.

"Good that you’re a fast driver then…"

Chapter 40 - some of you have guessed it 😔 I really hope I could describe the feelings and it all as natural and real as possible… the chapter feels a little rushed towards the end, but I didn’t want to put too much in it… especially now that the triple header is right around the corner and A LOT is about to happen 👀

Please leave a comment/ like/ reblog/ message and tell me how you liked it! I'm dying to hear your thoughts!

If you want to be added to the taglist, drop a comment!

Last but not least, English is not my first language and although I tried my best: please excuse any mistakes I made!

Taglist:

@silkenthusiasts @eugene-emt-roe @sunny44 @itsjustkhaos @glitterquadricorn @aundercover @kakorrhaphiphobia @alittlebitofbooksandmagic @ru-kru @shimmermotorsport @janeholt3 @kahhorri @18754389 @chiliwhore @hellowgoodbye @queensassybitchsworld @harrysdimple05 @skynel09

[mysticstarlightduck]

OC Explain!

Hopping on this open tag by @oh-no-another-idea (here)!

Imma go with Liam Steele and Dylan Millihan from What Lurks In The Hollow because that WIP is my new obsession/hyperfixation lmao

Okay, here we go!

LIAM STEELE

✨ Image ✨

✨ Song ✨

Break Stuff - Limp Bizkit

It's just one of those days when you don't wanna wake up Everything is fucked, everybody sucks You don't really know why, but you wanna justify Rippin' someone's head off No human contact, and if you interact Your life is on contract Your best bet is to stay away, motherfucker! It's just one of those days It's all about the he says/she says bullshit I think you better quit lettin' shit slip Or you'll be leavin' with a fat lip It's all about the he says/she says bullshit I think you better quit talkin' that shit

overwhelmed - Royal & The Serpent

What am I feeling? Can't look at the ceiling The light is so bright It's like I'm overheating This mind isn't mine Who am I to judge? Oh I should be fine But it's all too much I get overwhelmed so easily My anxiety creeps inside of me Makes it hard to breathe What's come over me Feels like I'm somebody else I get overwhelmed so easily My anxiety keeps me silent When I try to speak What's come over me Feels like I'm somebody else I get overwhelmed All of these faces Who don't know what space is And crowds are shut down

✨ Quote ✨

Liam fidgeted with his charm bracelet for a moment, in a compulsive, anxious rhythm, before taking a deep breath and closing his hands into fists, glaring at the bullies cluttering the street. "I don't think any of you motherfuckers heard me right, so Imma repeat myself - if you don't let go of that damn kid and get the fuck out of my way, I swear to fucking God I will bash your heads on the curb" He gave them a sharp, almost condescending smile, "And that's mostly because you're making me late for the arcade and I don't like that. Does that sound all good or do you need any more goddamn details?"

DYLAN MILLIHAN

✨ Image ✨

✨ Song ✨

Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson

Grew up in a small town And when the rain would fall down I'd just stare out my window Dreaming of what could be And if I'd end up happy I would pray Trying hard to reach out But when I tried to speak out Felt like no one could hear me Wanted to belong here But something felt so wrong here So I prayed I could breakaway I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change And breakaway

Fast Car - Tracy Chapman/Luke Combs

You got a fast car I want a ticket to anywhere Maybe we make a deal Maybe together we can get somewhere Any place is better Starting from zero got nothing to lose Maybe we'll make something Me, myself, I got nothing to prove You got a fast car I got a plan to get us outta here I been working at the convenience store Managed to save just a little bit of money Won't have to drive too far Just 'cross the border and into the city You and I can both get jobs And finally see what it means to be living ... So I remember when we were driving, driving in your car Speed so fast it felt like I was drunk City lights lay out before us And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder And I-I had a feeling that I belonged I-I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

✨ Quote ✨

"Look, none of us asked for this. But whether we like it or not, we're siblings and we're stuck together. More than ever, unfortunately, as much as I loathe to admit it. So we need to make this" He gestures around them, gaze lingering at the, well, still quite decrepit living room of the house, before settling back on Amy, "work out for us, somehow. And we need to stop being at each other's throats all the time - which, by the way, um, I'm..." It seemed physically difficult for him to say the words that were stuck in his throat, but eventually, he sighed and droned out the phrase, earnestly "...sorry for all the stuff I said. I was just really tired and angry, but I shouldn't have said all of that. None of this mess is your fault, and I don't think you're a bad sister, like at all. You're a great kiddo."

Dylan paused unsure of what to say next, but when he noticed that Amy wasn't frowning or sulking anymore but actually smiling softly in agreement, his uneasiness seemed to fade into what could almost be a smile too. "Anyways, let's cut the emotional crap before I feel sick to my stomach more than I already feel. Do you want some more cereal?"

Tagging (gently): @sleepy-night-child, @kaylinalexanderbooks, @smol-feralgremlin, @wyked-ao3, @topazadine @littleladymab,

@winterandwords, @eccaiia, @sarahlizziewrites, @illarian-rambling

@agirlandherquill, @anoelleart, @ray-writes-n-shit

@writernopal, @anyablackwood, @unstablewifiaccess, @forthesanityofstorytellers

@i-can-even-burn-salad, @cakeinthevoid @thecomfywriter

@thepeculiarbird, @clairelsonao3, @memento-morri-writes, @starlit-hopes-and-dreams @amaiguri

@cherrychiplip @thecomfywriter @thelovelymachinery @bookwormclover

@differentnighttale, @leahnardo-da-veggie

[adamsvanrhijn]

I know JBF only wanted to do 3 seasons but I do soooo wish Sybil's plotline was hearing Clarkson say "Nurse Crawley and Corporal Barrow are not trained in specialist care" and go "bet"

[fullstcp]

"Meaning of Life" by Kelly Clarkson Sentence Starters

A MINUTE (INTRO)

"Sometimes I need to unwind."

"Sometimes I need some down time."

"Sometimes I need a minute just for me."

"I need a minute just to breathe."

LOVE SO SOFT

"Every kiss is a door."

"Let me in."

"I wanna be closer to you."

"You gotta be careful with it."

"Will your protect me, respect me if I let you close?"

HEAT

"You used to make me feel like a diamond."

"Now it don't even seem like you're trying."

"Give me one good reason I should need you."

"I'm slipping out of your fingers."

"You know I love you better than that."

"Love me better than that."

"We can do much better than that."

MEANING OF LIFE

"The only friend I got here's my broken heart."

"Feeling like I've finally had enough."

"I've been waiting so long for you to come my way."

"I can't wait another day."

"When you kiss me, I know who I am."

"You show me the meaning of life."

"All I do is think of you and suddenly the wrongs they start to feel so right."

"The truth is I'm in love."

MOVE YOU

"I wanna move you like that."

"I fell so hard, so fast."

WHOLE LOTTA WOMAN

"I got what you want."

"I'm aiming to please."

"I got what it takes, I sure got the means."

"Anything I see, I want, I get."

"Can you keep up with me?"

MEDICINE

"Bet you won't like to hear that."

"I'm living my life like a celebration."

"You gave me fever love, but too much drama."

"I ain't even thinking about you."

"Almost forgot about you."

"Your love's not allowed."

"Your touch don't heal now."

"I'm not bothered anymore."

"I almost damn near lost my mind."

CRUEL

"Am I supposed to close my eyes and fall asleep when you're not home?"

"I wanna believe you, but I wonder if you're all alone."

"You wouldn't like that."

"Loving you, it ain't easy."

"I'm halfway to losing my mind."

"Don't be cruel."

"It's taken all of me to love someone like you."

"I'm trying to see your side of things, but you've been playing so unfair."

"I love ya, but I'm losing myself in this run around."

"Am I being jealous?"

"Are you being selfish?"

DIDN'T I

"You called me hysterical."

"I finally figured us out."

"Didn't I give you everything?"

"You got the best of me."

"I'm over this tug of war."

"My heart hurts from holding out hope."

WOULD YOU CALL THAT LOVE

"Is it hard seeing who you were and what you're becoming?"

"When you look back on love, do you think of us?"

"When it's all said and done, was it all enough?"

"When you look back on us, would you call that love?"

"We can't go back."

"We can't undo what's done."

I DON'T THINK ABOUT YOU

"I didn't know who I could trust."

"I put all my faith in us."

"You tore me to pieces."

"I didn't want it all to fall apart."

"Honestly, I'd do it all again."

"It used to bother me."

"Thought I could never leave."

"I don't think about you."

"I lost my sanity."

"I feel proud of who I am now."

"It was hard to hold on."

SLOW DANCE

"You're charming and then some."

"I see through it all."

"You do everything too fast."

"You're missing the romance."

"I'm not going home with you tonight, but you can hold my hand."

"You're so unassuming."

"You know what you're doing."

"You're looking right through me."

"I can show you how to slow dance."

DON'T YOU PRETEND

"Don't you pretend that you don't need a little more from me."

"You're acting like it's nothing."

"We both know it's something."

"Don't you pretend that you're not wishing I was next to you."

"You make me want you."

"You don't know where this ends."

"I wanna love you, but I can't take the suspense."

"Tell me that you're mine."

"Why're you keeping your feelings from me?"

"I got a feeling that you wanna fall."

"I want the real thing or nothing at all."

GO HIGH

"I get lonely on the high road."

"I won't give up."

"Sometimes I don't wanna be nice."

"When you go low, I go high."

"It's not what I want."

[gabykatttt]

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Come on Velvet you can’t just feel negative like this you need some positivity in your live Poppy said.

She’s right Velvy you need to talk with Veneer I’m sure he’ll forgive you Viva said.

I know but he still hates me for what I did to him,Floyd and the others in the past Velvet said letting out a sigh.

Don’t worry we’ll make him forgive but for now let me sing you a song Viva said.

Velvet and Poppy sat down and listened to Viva.

Viva 🎶🎤

You know the bed feels warmer

Sleepin' here alone (Sleepin' here alone)

You know I dream in color

And do the things I want (Do the things I want)

You think you got the best of me

Think you've had the last laugh

Bet you think that everything good is gone

Think you left me broken down

Think that I'll come running back

Baby, you don't know me, 'cause you're dead wrong

Poppy🎶🎤

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter

Footsteps even lighter

Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger

Just me, myself, and I

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Poppy and Viva 🎶🎤

You heard that I was starting over with someone new

They told you I was moving on and over you

You didn't think that I'd come back

I'd come back swinging

You tried to break me, but you see

Viva 🎶🎤

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter

Footsteps even lighter

Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger

Just me, myself, and I

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

With Veneer at the Vacay island

Veneer 🎶🎤

Thanks to you, I got a new thing started

Thanks to you, I'm not the broken-hearted

Thanks to you I'm finally thinkin' 'bout me

You know in the end, the day you left was just my beginning

In the end

With Velvet,Viva and Poppy

Velvet,Viva,Poppy 🎶🎤

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter

Footsteps even lighter

Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger

Just me, myself, and I

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone (What doesn't kill you)

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger

Just me, myself, and I (What doesn't kill you)

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger (Stronger)

Stand a little taller (Taller)

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone (What doesn't kill you)

Velvet 🎶🎤

Alone

How are you feeling? Poppy asked.

I feel positive and grateful Velvet said smiling.

Good now come on let’s go find Veneer Viva said.

Velvet and Poppy nodded as the girls left to Vacay island.

[riddles-n-games]

To begin this post, I’ll quote Maxon here from the Elite, “I had a thought.” Or maybe a few. Yeah, that’s more accurate when it comes to my sort of pondering. So, in terms of King Clarkson, as a fandom, I think we can collectively agree that had he been alive, he would have made life really difficult for America and Maxon as a married couple. Although, I feel like we never fully let ourselves imagine the extent it could go to; sure, some fanfics delve into those realms of possibilities but it’s only surface level. Look, I’m definitely not shaming anyone, I didn’t really think of this topic too often or that much, either, until now given how terrible it is but I just wanted to open up the conversation to see the community’s thoughts. 

First of all, I really think that getting to the wedding itself would have been a challenge especially if Clarkson continuously pushed the matter of those New Year’s announcements on America. There would have been literally no peace after the engagement with that going on. I think that he would’ve also harassed Maxon often about the final choice, making his displeasure known at every impasse and at the slightest mistake that sent him raging, he would cane him more harshly. All to get his anger out at Maxon’s supposed incompetence, his future daughter-in-law, and all her flaws and mistakes, too. I bet that he would also try to keep his son as busy as possible to keep him and America separated and in addition, intimidate her as much as he could every spare moment.

Now, with the case of America’s marriage to Maxon, that would bring about a whole new set of problems. I’m sure that he’d try to put off stepping down for as many years as he could but even with their ascension, he would keep a tight leash on Maxon. It wouldn’t be surprising if he made threats to his son about his wife’s safety and that would make Maxon heel every time just to keep the peace, making his decisions stringent and very much not his own. They’d be spineless. Essentially he’d be a king with no power, a puppet leader being pulled by strings. Oh, and the abuse would continue being bad, if not worse, in regards to where America would be involved with making certain changes. Clarkson would likely be enraged at her being more included in such decision-making because ain’t no way that Maxon wouldn’t do exactly that. He’s done that sort of thing in the books, this wouldn’t be a new thing to see during their marriage. 

Then, we get to the next gen. Of course, America and Maxon would still be monitored for their procreating abilities but I feel like this would be some next level spying and maybe even some sort of intervention on Clarkson’s part if the baby was revealed to not be a boy. We know of Amberly’s miscarriages and I’m sure we all believe that there is still something suspicious about them despite the explanation we got about the toxins because of where she lived. There is speculation here and there that Clarkson may have poisoned her to induce miscarriages if the babies were girls and if this was something he did to his own wife, he definitely wouldn’t have been above doing it again to his daughter-in-law. Given that we also know that he abused Maxon after he found out about his affair which resulted in an illegitimate daughter and that he was cheating on Amberly, who knows what he would have done to his son this time around if it was uncovered that he poisoned America? This man is shown to go to great lengths to keep something incriminating against him quiet, whether that be family or not. But let’s move on from that. 

Say Clarkson didn’t care whether they had a bunch of children that included daughters and sons, he would still likely prefer that the first born is a son but more so, he would be concerned with the fact that the next heir should be a male child as by tradition. The grandchild he’d want to lead the country after Maxon as hereditary heir to the throne would be any boy and that would possibly translate to favoritism bias based on gender. If the twins were still born in this alternate scenario, the likely version of events to follow would be that Ahren would be favored and Eadlyn would be disowned as heir even though she’s older. Actually, I don’t believe that it would just be the case with Ahren being the favorite, I’m sure that any of America and Maxon’s sons would be liked better by their grandfather, meaning Kaden and Osten would all be better treated by Clarkson than Eadlyn, just Ahren would get more attention because he would be the crown prince. Because Eadlyn is a princess, by this timeline, her fate would be to marry off to foreign royalty as per Illéan tradition and though I have a feeling that America and Maxon would have been able to abolish that law even with Clarkson around, he would oppose this action greatly. It would make him resent his granddaughter severely, neglecting her when it comes to spending time with all his grandchildren and in the case that he got involved with training her as Illéa’s first queen regnant, he would take every opportunity to belittle her, the situation becoming reminiscent to that of Maxon’s days as prince minus the canings. Anyways, in the other scenario where he got his way and Eadlyn wasn’t made heir but rather Ahren, Maxon would have had extensive arguments with his father about it regardless but caved. Although, he would have fought Clarkson in terms of marrying her off and tried to still set up a way for his daughter to have a role in the monarchy when she was older. Otherwise, Eadlyn’s childhood would have still been rough with Clarkson around and similarly he would be displeased with her but on a lesser scale because there was a crown prince and not a crown princess to take over. 

In short, Clarkson would have made America and Maxon’s lives a living hell along with that of their daughter’s. I’m just happy we don’t have that as canon in the books. It’s for the best that Clarkson was dead when Maxon married America in the end because I think there would have been twice as many obstacles for them to face and even though Maxon would have been married to the love of his life, he would be unhappy and unnecessarily pressured due to the constant circumstances of his wife and children being under threat by his tyrant of a father. Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading.

[fuck-yeah-iheartmedia]

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[airiat]

northern sky, six. ✧˚ · .

{masterlist | beginning}

pairing: joel miller x you / f!reader (wc: 35.3k, 10 chapters)

rating: explicit, 18+

work tags: no outbreak, age difference (27/42), hurt/comfort, ptsd, fate, ldr, explicit sexual content (rough/romantic sex, light d/s & sadomasochism, dirty talk, choking/biting, oral (f & m receiving), unprotected piv, aftercare)

work warnings: themes of death (more details here, contains spoilers), depictions of mental illness/alcoholism, light discussion of theoretical relationship with minor (not condoned by either party), light blood kink

ch. summary: he'll never let you fall.

{ao3}

six. {2.1k}

Your laugh is a bright thing in the heavy steam of the bathroom shower, where you freshen up together before your date. Your date. Joel’s just told you that if you make him listen to Kelly Clarkson for even a second longer, he’ll start singing along. And you don’t want that. Apparently. You think that you actually might want to witness that spectacle. 

“Well, how do ya know the words, huh?” you question, rubbing your neck with a washcloth. “I bet you’re a secret fan.”

Joel pauses with his hands on his face mid-scrub, gives you a look like a soldier who’s seen war. “Sarah’s first breakup. Swear I didn’t hear a single other song for a week straight.”

The acoustics of the shower seduce you. You grin at him, sing, “‘Time cast a spell on you / but you won't forget me / I know I could've loved you / but you would not let me.’” Just like you would have in the bowels of your angst. “That was mine,” you say.

He tilts his head at you, squinting through the water. “Hey, you’re not half bad.”

“‘Half bad,’” you scoff. “You some kinda, like, singing expert?”

“I used to wanna be a, uh, country singer, actually,” Joel tells you, suddenly very preoccupied with achieving the perfect amount of shampoo. He still squirts out too much.

“Really?” you ask, eager surprise in your voice. The thought of it is captivating. Decidedly alluring. Him up on a stage, crooning with a guitar at his hip. Yes. “Sing something, then.”

“Play a song I actually like, and then we’ll see,” he shoots back.

You laugh, reach out of the shower curtain to your iPod in its dock on the counter. When you click the button for the next song, one certainly plays: something sultry and spellbinding, a beat that perfects the rhythm for–

Large hands grip your hips, pulling you back against the hot wet of his body. “Nothin’ about this song meant for singing.” 

You gulp, feel your face flush. It was on shuffle. You couldn’t have known it’d be this song…For one, for someone / for he, for she. You wouldn’t have picked it. It’s too brazen. But Joel brings you closer, and you feel him already hard. And then the flush travels downward, has you tipping your head back on his shoulder. 

“Been so worried about bad music and my goddamn hair that I didn’t even think of what I could do with you standin’ here naked,” he says in a low voice that cuts the cascade of water. “Fool I am.”

“Fool you are,” you echo, eyes fluttering. 

One hand stays at your hip, the other travels to stroke the column of your throat. “Now, how am I gonna make it up to you, darlin’, hm?”

You suck in a sharp breath as he palms a breast, pinches your nipple between two fingers. “Any way you want,” you rasp. 

“Nuh-uh, you’re gonna use your words, ain’t you, baby?”

“You can make it up—” you moan softly as his hand moves to the dip in your stomach “—by…you can just fuck me, Joel.”

“Just like that?”

You nod against his shoulder. “Please.” 

Joel groans and kisses you open-mouthed on your jaw.

Then, he wraps an arm over your waist and helps you bend over, leaves his other hand to guide your hips to where he can push into you. You’re pulled to your tiptoes, back melded into his chest. “I’m not gonna let you fall,” he murmurs into your ear.

And you’re certain that you could drop your body into the cradle of his one arm, and he wouldn’t even flinch. Because when he enters you, you gasp, fall slack against him, and he’s as solid as stone. You press your hands against the wet tile of the wall, but it’s only there for you to claw at, to give your animal someplace to go. 

Joel’s hips snap behind yours, not rough, but still crude, like his mind was sliced from his body, knows only how it all feels. You like him this way, if the melody of your moans is any indication. What feels the best for him is what makes your blood sing. Your body, boneless and pliant, reaches out for the resolution,

only to have it snatched away.

You keen brokenly as he rips himself from you, grabbing blindly backward to keep him from moving away. But he’s already gone, already releasing you from his arms, and you’re scrambling for the tiles on the wall to keep from falling now. You’re ready to crack against porcelain, lost in the spray of hot water, but then he’s in front of you, holding you steady, letting you go slack against him once more.

“Joel,” you gasp, squeezing your eyes closed. “You were gonna let–let me–”

“I wasn’t, I promise, baby. I just needed to get out of you quick,” he soothes, holding his hand to the waterfall of your hair. “Had you the whole time.”

Your breath comes in short pulls, but nothing tells you not to believe him. You didn’t fall. You’re here in his arms, so you blink your eyes open and look up at him. “I wish–I wish you didn’t stop. It felt good, y’know, before,” you tell him.

Joel kisses you, leans his forehead against yours. “Can I make you come, darlin’? Make you feel even better?”

The mellow but still heavy opening guitar of the next song drowns out your sharp inhale, so you nod instead. He takes a small step back, sinks to his knees, lets his hands slide down your body until he’s lifting your foot up and setting it on the tub's edge. The muscles in your stomach tighten when you realize what’s coming, have you reaching for him and bracing yourself all at once.

He gazes up at you from your feet, grips you firmly by the back of your thigh. In the small space of the bathtub, he has to fold down his large frame, which makes him appear not lowly, but devoted. That he would crush himself, bend himself in such an uncomfortable way if only just for you.

I'll sing for you / If you want me to / I'll give to you / And it's a chance I'll have to take.

You’re so dizzy with the thought, with the music, that you barely hear him say, “You’re gonna have to help yourself some. Can you handle that, baby?”

You bite your lip and shove your arm into the recess of the small window in the shower, lean some of your weight onto it.

“Good girl,” you think Joel says, but it comes out as more of an indistinct rumble against your skin as he dips between your legs, licks a short stripe in the crease of your thigh. You choke and almost fold forward but manage to hold yourself upright. It was a test. He didn’t even hardly touch you, and you were ready to crumple to the floor. He’s paused, waiting for you to settle.

“I can do this, Joel,” you say in the strongest voice you can muster.

His only response is to softly drag his tongue down your center, to grab your thigh so tight that it aches. But if it’s meant to be a reminder, it works; the jolt of your body does not send you sprawling to the floor. You just grit your teeth through a moan, thread fingers into his hair, and hold yourself together.

And if it is a test, you’ve passed this one, too. Because the next flicks of his tongue over you are bold and unforgiving, mouth buried between your folds, lips closed over your bud. You would hold yourself as still as stone, refuse to even breathe, if you could only just have him like this forever, and then forever again. In fact, you probably wouldn’t be breathing if you didn’t need to make all the noises he pulls from you. Probably wouldn’t be moving if your traitorous body didn’t seize as lightning appears curled at the base of your spine, if you didn’t rock your hips over his mouth to pull it taut. 

Joel does attempt to hold you still with hands clenched around the soft flesh of your ass, but you fight him for movement, and he gives in easily. Maybe his hands are there more for himself than for you. Maybe it’s all just a little bit more for himself. Those starved moans that ricochet deep in your core. The arcs his tongue makes to taste every inch you present to him. You are just the fortunate vessel being offered up for consumption.

It doesn’t take you very much longer once you’ve harnessed that truth, understood that he will let you do anything except tear yourself away from him. You can pull his hair from its roots, grind yourself against his face and not worry about air. You are his air. It doesn’t take you very much longer, and then you’re there. The water from the shower pours over you as you stretch back and let the lightning crackle up your spine, fills your mouth as you gasp, and then break forward. 

You don’t fall so much as you simply become a boneless collection of limbs that cannot remain standing. It doesn’t hurt because Joel helps you, sits behind you, and arranges you between his legs in the tub. When he pushes the plunger to fill it, you blink and give your head a little shake. “Oh, how did I–?” you inquire, craning your neck to look back at him. 

You catch a quick smile before he leans forward and kisses your shoulder. “Told you I gotcha.”

“Yeah, you did,” you sigh softly, leaning back into him. “That was good, Joel.”

“Yeah? Good,” he replies, wrapping his arms loosely around your middle. “We should finish up; gonna run out of hot water.”

“My hair,” you groan. “I never washed it.”

“Lemme do it. Which bottle is it?”

You reach for the shampoo, the same one he had used, and hand it to him. You tell yourself that you won’t micromanage how he does it. You’re just going to allow yourself to be cared for. Pulling your knees to your chest, resting your head on top of them, you surrender. 

Actually, he’s not so bad at it. He works the shampoo through your scalp, fingers massaging it in. Spends a little too much time on the ends, maybe, but he makes it feel so nice that you can’t even care. Your eyes fall closed, and you give a quiet hum of contentment. 

After a few minutes, you feel him leave you very briefly, hear the water splash as he stands, and then returns. Warm water from the shower head pours over your head and down your back as he rinses your hair clean, cards through it so gently your chest clenches. You can’t even remember the other steps you’d usually do, the other products you’d use. You don’t care. Cheap bar soap would be enough if you could have his hands with it. 

The water leaves you, and then he pushes your hair aside to rub your back for a moment. “I think that’s about it,” Joel says, uncertain.

“Thank you,” you tell him softly. 

He helps you to your feet, then shuts the water off. You step out of the tub together, and he finds a towel for himself, another to drape around you. Like this, you feel so soft and small, as though your skin is made of roses. But he hasn’t made you helpless. It’s only just that he’s eased some of the heaviness from you. Even so, you find yourself reaching back out for it. You know how to walk the world with hunched shoulders, not squared ones.

“I’m gonna finish getting ready on my own, okay?” you tell him. “I won’t be long. You can just go watch TV or something if you want.”

He’s tucking the towel around his hips when he says, “Alright, darlin’. Come find me when you’re done.” He strokes your cheek with his thumb, then walks from the bathroom.

In the solitude, underneath the warm lights, you stare into the mirror with empty eyes framed by the wet strings of your hair. Watch yourself pick up your life’s weight from the dewy counter and settle it back around your shoulders. Your mantle to bear. Always. With or without him.

With a heavy sigh, you reach for a bottle of leave-in conditioner and pour too much of it into your hand. 

[acefms]

MUSE PLAYLIST / SOFIA ACOSTA

banner credit.

001. uptown girl / billy joel

uptown girl, she’s been living in her uptown world. i bet she's never had a backstreet guy, i bet her momma never told her why.

002. dollhouse / melanie martinez

places, places, get in your places. throw on your dress and put on your doll faces. everyone thinks that we're perfect, please don't let them look through the curtains. picture, picture, smile for the picture, pose with your brother, won't you be a good sister?

003. homecoming queen? kelsea ballerini

hey homecoming queen, how's things at home? still walking on eggshells when that curtain's closed? did your daddy teach you how to be tough? or more like your mama, sweep it under the rug?

004. numb / linkin park

can't you see that you're smothering me, holding too tightly, afraid to lose control? ‘cause everything that you thought I would be has fallen apart right in front of you. every step that I take is another mistake to you, and every second I waste is more than I can take. I’ve become so numb.

005. if it makes you happy / sheryl crow

if it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad. if it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?

006. hopelessly devoted to you / grease

I’m out of my head, hopelessly devoted to you.

007. goodbye to you / michelle branch

I've been searchin' deep down in my soul, words that I'm hearin' are starting to get old. It feels like I'm startin' all over again, the last three years were just pretend. and I said goodbye to you, goodbye to everything that I knew. you were the one I loved, the one thing that I tried to hold on to.

008. the night we met / lord huron

I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you, take me back to the night we met. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you. take me back to the night we met.

009. it’ll be okay / shawn mendes

I start to imagine a world where we don't collide. it’s making me sick, but we'll heal and the sun will rise. If you tell me you're leaving, I'll make it easy, It'll be okay. If we can't stop the bleeding, we don't have to fix it, we don't have to stay. I will love you either way.

010. broken & beautiful / kelly clarkson

I’m broken and it’s beautiful.

[flowercrowngods]

For the writer ask game!

Questions: 23, 24, and 30 if that's okay!

Also, I hope you're having a lovely weekend friend!

thank you, friend! 🥰🤍 my weekend was okay, i hope yours is even better 🌷

23. What’s a trope, AU, or concept you’ve never written, but would like to?

usually when i wanna write things i just do it, even if it's just for a scene or two instead of a full-fledged story, so uhh 🤔 I've never written an outsider POV au (except I have, with that one Clarkson fic from Scott's POV on Wayne's flashback nightmare)– okay no. i don't know. this is really hard.

maybe kid fic, because the concept of children rocks and there's something healing about making the blorbos become parents. but other than that, i usually just write things when i wanna write them. :D

24. Are there any easter eggs in [insert fic], and if so, what are they?

you didn't specify the fic, so i'm choosing the fluffball that is nice to meet you, where you been? (the tattoo shop au)

i made a playlist for that fic that i'm playing an embarrassing amount of time at home, and the songs of that are also playing in Steve's studio

Eddie recognises most of these songs, which means he's lame and secretly a swiftie (though he blames Chrissy, which is a safe bet to make)

Steve unironically listens to Hannah Montana songs because they slap and hype him up before and after work

the tattoo Eddie ends up getting is inspired by the actual tattoo that @poebin got while i was writing the story, bc that story is for them. and the thing's name that steve never reveals is Vanderlyle, for reasons that robin is weird and listens to The National too much <3

uhh i think that's all :D

30. Have you ever written something that was out of your comfort zone? If so, what was it, and how did it affect your approach to writing fic thereafter?

the first thing that came to mind was every action scene I've ever had to write, especially in I'll try. I'll try. (but I couldn't be better), all of the Demogorgon scenes. I have a writing style that works kinda well with introspection and an onslaught of emotions and thoughts, a lot of sentences starting with conjunctions (and, but, or, etc.), which makes for a rather narrative style, but I feel like it might not work too well with action-packed scenes. feels a lot like "and then, and then, and then", telling instead of showing, a lot of thoughts between one strike and the next, there's no real flow of action, no scene. (like kuzco hitting pause and explaining what's happening instead of letting the viewer watch it unfold. wait, ouch xD)

my approach to writing fic thereafter hasn't changed, because writing fic isn't entirely about comfort zones. sometimes things just have to happen, and I apologise for how they happen, and then we collectively move on :D but I have also learned that it's absolutely okay to ask people if a scene is okay like that, or for them to tell you why it was okay (@violetsteve I owe you my sanity 🤍)

fic writer asks

[fundiesimsfamily]

Judah and Daniel

Johanna Clarkson: So much fun I got to tag along on your outing!

Daniel Freeman: Ofcourse, it just means more fun

Judah Clarkson: eh, yeah

Johanna: Well, I like hanging out with grown ups. I love children but sometimes I just need to talk with my reguarly voice about normal things

Judah: You aren't a grown up

Johanna: Yes, I'm

Judah: No, you are 17

Johanna: 18 in just a couple of months!

Daniel: Do you babysit your nieces and nephews?

Johanna: Yes, all the time. Whenever they need me. Both Pierre and Romeo have a large family and always in need for two more hands.

Daniel: That's so sweet of you to help them.

Johanna: I like hanging out with children. They are so much fun

Daniel: Yes, they are. I like having little brothers and sisters. Rebecca just turned one year old, she is so cute!

Johanna: Yes! She is adorable. I have seen her in the church nursery.

Daniel: do you babysit there too?

Johanna: Yes

Daniel: I bet you are great with children

Johanna: I'm doing the best I can. I hope to become a great mother some day

Daniel: I'm sure you will

[unhingedselfships]

The Yandere AU

This is Love - Air Traffic Controller

"You must like being the victim, you've done nothing to get out"

Yandere - Jazmin Bean

“This might get a little messy, I'm sure, heads rolling for the one I adore, this may become a little brutal if I'm honest, but it's any-anything for you my dear, I promise”

Sugar - Sleep Token

“Sugar, I've developed a taste for you now, my arms keep you in the room, barely let you move, show me what you do”

Halo - SOIL

“I will stone you, stone you, wrap my arms around you, and I will stone you, stone you, my little halo”

All That Candy - Vukovi

“Tell me you're not leaving, 'least you're not until I'm dead”

Dangerous - Big Data 

“Yeah, understand I got a plan for us, I bet you didn't know that I was dangerous���

Animal - Neon Trees (Chase Holfelder cover)

“I do it every time, you're killing me now, and I won't be denied by you, the animal inside of you”

Highschool Sweethearts - Melanie Martinez

“If you can't handle a heart like mine, don't waste your time with me, if you're not down to bleed, no, if you can't handle the choking, the biting, the loving, the smothering”

Desire - Meg Myers

“Baby, I wanna fuck you, I wanna feel you in my bones, boy, I'm gonna love you, I'm gonna tear into your soul”

Familiar Taste of Poison - Halestorm

"I don't wanna be saved, I don't wanna be sober, I want you on my mind, in my dreams, behind these eyes, and I won't wake up"

I'll Make You Love Me - Kat Leon

"Look at what you made me do, I'll make you love me"

Follow You Home - Nickelback

"You can slap me in the face, and you can scream profanity, leave me here to die alone but, I'll still follow you home"

It Will Come Back - Hozier

"Don't let it in with no intention to keep it, Jesus Christ, don't be kind to it, Honey, don't feed it, it will come back"

Dark Side - Ramsey

"You’re faking something you shouldn’t hide, your dark side, I wanna see your dark side, don’t have to keep it from me"

Always Forever - Cults

"You and me always forever, we could stay alone together, you and me always forever, say you'll stay never be separate"

The Horror of Our Love - Ludo

"Moonlight walking, I smell your softness, carnivorous and lusting to track you down among the pines"

Stalker - Stevie Howie

"You know I know you best, yeah, you can put me through the test, and you know I would kill him if he tried, oh, to get between me and mine"

Hurt Me - Kerli

"See me crawling on the floor, is that what you've been longing for, is this enough, do you want more, go on, if it makes you soar!"

Addicted - Kelly Clarkson

"I'm hooked on you, I need a fix, I can't take it, just one more hit, I promise I can deal with it"

Serial Killer - Moncrieff & JUDGE

"I tighten the noose when I'm with you, I could never let you loose"

[jagapakistan]

Review of DayDreaming by Simon Clarkson

I lately found that there are numerous advantageous questioning books to be had at the market, I actually have found one which fascinated me, Simon Clarkson has published `DayDreaming'. This is a ee-e book aimed toward the man or woman who's searching out fulfillment via a advantageous intellectual mind-set and desires to take manipulate in their lives.

It is a ee-e book that emphasises the energy of advantageous questioning now no longer distinct to The Secret in principle, however written with the aid of using an Englishman in easy terms. The ee-e book explains how Simon applies the energy of advantageous questioning in all of his mind, movements to his regular existence. What Simon explains to his reader is if some thing is essential to us sufficiently so and we preference it, it could and could show up.

The international that we stay in nowadays is complete of folks who are poor and do not accept as true with that they're both accurate sufficient or deserve it, something it's far. What Simon writes is that the sector is certainly there for is all to faucet into, the essential component being, we want to broaden our advantageous questioning strategies to pay attention on those issues.

Simon is going into element of his very own non-public studies in existence, those are pretty touching however, the essential problem being it's far the energy of the human being. We all own those powers however only a few humans follow them and that is a large problem all of us seem to have.

A high-quality reminiscence that I recall, is one it is once I became a younger boy and I might stability on a excessive wall, my mom might always shout" be cautious in any other case you could fall". And bet what always I'd fall. The factor being as soon as you've got got been advised some thing your mind will suppose that it'll show up and extra regularly than now no longer it does.

Apply the identical mind to advantageous questioning strategies inside our lives and you may remodel your existence. How easy can all of it be, truely if we modified our mind, would not existence be lots higher for all mankind.

In end what Simon Clarkson's ee-e book does, is to inspire us all to suppose advantageous, wholesome accurate mind and also you by no means recognize while you in reality track in, it'll show up. If you had been to perform quite simple studies it might show that maximum successful, wealthy people all have one component in common: the identical trait.

Read More: Predictably Irrational: Contrary to What You Believe, the Secrets to Your Success May Be What You Don't Think

[psychikos]

Songs About Letting It Go

There's something magical about the moment you finally let go of something that's been weighing you down. It's like a weight has been lifted from your chest and suddenly the world seems a little brighter. It's a feeling of release, of freedom, of peace. And there's nothing quite like a good song about letting it go to capture that feeling and inspire us to do the same.

When you listen to songs about letting it go, you can feel the raw emotion pouring through the lyrics and the melody. These songs are visceral, powerful, and they hit you right in the gut. They remind you that it's okay to feel sad, angry, or hurt, but that holding onto those emotions only keeps you stuck in a cycle of pain.

Songs like "Let It Go" by James Bay or "Shake It Out" by Florence + The Machine have a way of making you feel like you're not alone in your struggles. The lyrics cut straight to the heart of the matter, urging you to release your grip on whatever it is that's been holding you back. They remind you that you have the strength to move on and that sometimes the best thing you can do is just let go.

The beauty of songs about letting it go is that they can apply to so many different situations. Whether you're going through a breakup, struggling with a difficult decision, or just feeling overwhelmed by life, these songs speak to the universal human experience of letting go. They remind us that we're all in this together and that we all have the capacity to heal and grow.

So the next time you're feeling stuck or weighed down by something, turn up the volume on a good song about letting it go. Let the lyrics wash over you and feel the emotion rise up inside you. And then take a deep breath, release your grip, and let it go. Because sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is to simply surrender to the flow of life and trust that everything will work out in the end. YOu have to love Arolyn music for there songs about this.

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[latvianheartsanime]

New weeb here!

I don't know if I wrote any introduction, but... oh well... here it is.

I'm Alice from Latvia. Started to watch anime last year, if I remember correctly. Can't remember if I watched Demon Slayer on Netflix back in 2022 or end of 2021.

Knew about Demon Slayer earlier but wasn't able to see it on Crunchyroll back then (even with Premium) and it took some time when I was able to see it on Netflix (it was some time after the news they added the show). Weird thing on Netflix it's just 1st season and last year I was finally see it on Crunchyroll as well aaaand aaaall the seasons and that's when I started to watch other shows too.

Sad that I cannot see Attack on Titan 1st season and 1st part of 2nd season. :( I guess because regional stuff. It sucks, because I bet because of it I wasn't able to see Demon Slayer back then as well. There's some other anime I cannot watch on Crunchyroll, but heard good things about, but have no idea is it because of regional restrictions or they're just not available on the site.

Other things about me...

I have 2 cats (again). Soon it's gonna be 1st death anniversary of my beloved Macho, he was white Cornish Rex, he passed last year few days before my birthday, he was 13 years old. Loved that cat, although big trouble maker and meanie pants sometimes, but loved that cat. Didn't want to get new cat after that, but in summer last year took in this white kitty with orange spots. :| Minnie, cat who I literally took from the streets, wasn't happy about kitten, still kinda isn't, because of age difference, she's gonna be 6 this year. Macho and Minnie got me through some tough times so I love 2 so much.

I was vegetarian for 13 years - now I'm pescatarian.

I know 4 languages (1 of them refreshing and learning something new) and learning 2 languages from zero - Japanese and Greek.

I love listening to music, started to buy physical music (not again, since wasn't able to buy in my teens because mom found it expensive and all I was able to get was bootleg (bootleg music, films and music was everywhere with their own little stores over here in beginning of 2000's), I had only 1 original CD out of few ones I had) especially vinyl, has some new CDs since 2013 as well aaaand few tapes. My music taste has changed so much - went from Britney, Sugababes, Atomic Kitten, Pink, Kelly Clarkson and Westlife and other pop and even Eminem and some other hip-hop in early teens, to Rihanna, Bobby V, Chris Brown (even with all the scandal), Beyonce and more R&B and some other pop stuff in late teens and early 20'ies. First changes was back around 2017 when I discovered Five Finger Death Punch, then later 1 streamer introduced me with Halestorm. Although don't listen to FFDP that much anymore, but still fan of Halestorm. Since discovering FFDP there's been more and more rock and metal bands and artists I listen to, and less mainstream pop and r&b. Even a thing I would say that "that will never happen" just happened - I recently bought my 1st death metal record. XD So ye... never say never... indeed... I started to listen to some Japanese artists as well, like Lisa, Necronomidol and Aimer.

Photography has been a hobby for really long time, since I got the phone with the camera. Still want some decent camera, wasn't able to afford 1 for really long time. I even went in with all the process to study photography in US.

Love crochet, knitting and sewing, I do some cross-stitching too. Love crafts in general. Been drawing and doodling since childhood as well.

Been streamer on Twitch since 2016, but took a break in last January. It took mental tole on me, since my channel wasn't growing that much and it wasn't there where I wanted to be in after almost 6 years of streaming with 600 followers and barely 2 average viewers. Want to make YouTube videos with some streams on Twitch, but still have to kick my own butt to make 1st video.

So ye these are few things about me, so that I could get some other interaction without bots following this blog. :) So ye... if you want to learn more, just ask.