#better words than i couldve put myself

[gritsandbrits]

Ins & Outs of 2023 💜

I know we're halfway through the year but change doesn't have an expiration date. I've been inspired by seeing lists made by other people so I take a crack at writing my own!

Outs:

Traumadumping/Sending me long rants in my inbox: Now I'm not saying you can't talk to me if something troubles you, I'm always open for a shoulder to cry on. But I am not a therapist. Also, if I'm talking about fandom stuff I don't need textbook long rants about the dangers of white feminism/liberalism/centrism/politics/whatever when I'm talking bout be like, Bratz or Transformers 😅. Half the time it is really not that deep, overly long rants clogs my inbox and honestly, I find them uncomfortable. It seems less like a conversation and more like a grudge post so if your feel that strongly you be better off making your own post. I am just one person!

Calling everything cheugy/ soulless: most of the time cheugy is just a word use to crap on things women likes. Also just because you don't vibe with a certain piece of media doesn't make it soulless, sometimes you don't need long rants or explanations. It's okay to dislike something without putting people down. I personally see this term so much it's becoming as overused as Mary Sue

Respectability Politics: most of the time the people who you work to try to earn respect won't give you that. Some noses need to be broken (metaphorically speaking). It's not being rude you're protecting your space.

Aesthetics: what I mean by this is following trends JUST to follow a trend even if it risks landing you in financial hot water. Or breaking down varied styles based on barebones idea (like there is more to Y2K than a belly shirt and shiny pants). Also not everything needs to be an aesthetic. Speaking of, Shein Hauls. Don't do it! You'd be better off saving on something that's actually worth the money

AI/NFTs: I don't need to explain this one

Beige: Going back to Aesthetic, beige has a connection to it. I know it supposed to give off clean vibes but everything being beige/gray/greige with nary a drop of color in sight just makes me sad :(

Recording People In Public: unless you have permission (or outing a potential Karen) don't do this. You could put someone's life in danger and it's just super rude in general. Getting a popular tiktok isn't worth harming others.

Cringe Culture: I admit I am guilty of participating in it back in my teen years. But now that I know better I realized I was being so sacred and insecure I wanted to be like everyone else...which is being a bully. It made me miss out on fun events and creators I couldve enjoyed if I had taken my head out my ass. Plus I'm not exactly Picasso myself, so who am I to judge. You don't know what an artist is going through sometimes the cringe is their outlet. As long as it's not hurting anyone why should u put people on blast for having fun?

Brand/Studio/Fandom Wars: I think we're at that stage where they have good and bad (and neutral) points. Everything is not always about conflict who makes the better movies/products. I find it reductive and sometimes it gets too far and innocent people end up getting dragged into a war they didn't ask for. Plus artists who work in rival companies/brands do support each other. We can enjoy media without pitting them against each other all the time and honestly it's just obnoxious stan behavior. Looking at you Cartoontwt.

Now it's time for the INs!

Creating for fun&joy: Yes it's okay to be upset if your art or stories aren't getting as much attention as you like, but that doesn't mean no one enjoys it. There's always one or two persons who loves your work! In general it's important to have fun and not let algorithms and "get rich quick" consume you. There is room for fun. Also don't make spite your entire motivation or else you'll end up with a Sonic Omens/ BlueyCapsules scenario. Take it from me: I may hate Cars 2 and Shrek 3 but I love those franchises too much to let interesting ideas go to waste. I have fun with the creating process, making picrews of Gwynn and Rhodanthe and self indulgent stories of my carsona and Finn.

Thinking For Yourself: You do not need to peddle someone else's opinions just bc they're popular. You don't need to jump on bandwagons, you can watch or read media and come up with your own conclusions. Practice Discernment and expand your horizons beyond watching that one review.

Self Inserts/OCs: back to cringe culture what helped me break out of that is making my own OCs. I love making OCs and Self inserts, it helps me get comfortable with designs and writing, everyone has a unique OC and have fun with them. Plus the ships are so cute everyone has a funky selfship or oc x canon

Color/Wearing what works for you: A pop of color helps to make your outfit stand out, and wearing what you want even for a couple of hours helps with your self esteem. Again everything doesn't need to follow an aesthetic or a trend as long as it suits your tastes (and budget)

Buying Products That Work: Don't just buy things just to have them decorate the shelves half the time bc they're cheap & not good for your body. Same with clothes buy something that lasts not because it goes well with a tiktok. Sometimes it's okay to spend a bit more on a product if it truly works for you. Also DIY can be VERY miss (the charcoal & glue peel off masks come to mind) so just get something specifically formulated for you

The Curtains Are PINK! Yes I wrote that in pink 💁 but essentially learn to value critical thinking. Learn to handle - and give - constructive criticism. Yes there are things that aren't that deep but that doesn't mean anything is unworthy of discussion. There's a lot of value in analysing media, and it helps you from hopping on bandwagons of misinformation

Working On yourself: doesn't need to be therapy (btw don't use BetterHelp) it can be anything: writing your feelings out in a diary, making vent art, trying new things, talking to someone you trust, stressballs, fidget toys. 2023 is the year of healing; it is VERY important to know how to FEEL not just shove down your emotions or take it out on someone. We're all adults we have a responsibility to initiate our positive change.

And I guess that's it! That's all I have of my Ins and outs for 2023

[msookyspooky]

OH MY GOD SPOOKY ‼️‼️‼️‼️ thAT CHAPTER 13?????????? A MASTERPIECE!!!!

The "my girl" partmhjnjjhahhahahhuhuhaha I SWEAR i was brushing my teeth while reading and when my EYES SAW THOSE WORDS I JUST STOPPED??????? i stopped there with toothbrush all over my mouth for a good minutE TRYING TO COMPREGED TAHT!!!!!!!! UHHHHHHHGGGGGG

I have no words to explain how much i loved loved loved that chapter!!!! i have been craving for that reveal since i started reading when you were still posting the part set 1 movie and IT DID!!! NOT!!!!! DISAPOUNT!!!!!! IM SO FUCKING EXITED FOR THE REST OF THE STORY LMAOOO 💞💞💞💞💞💞

SPOILER ALERT FOR CHAPTER 13

Yn, in my opinion at least 👀, def had the chance to play dumb, act as if she didnt knew, act as if they were forcing her to do whatever accusation dewey trew at her. but she didnt‼️‼️‼️‼️ and im just freakibg outtttttt she cares so much that AGAIN she put herswlf in front of Billy. After all the pain that doung that all those years ago brought to her, she did that and didnt even think about it. even after stu literally shot someone in the chest she cares so fucking much that the death of that person donest affect how she feels about him anymore (judy didnt actually dieee but yn doesnt know itt( they didnt need to get try to get jill before she hurt yn, they couldve literally just ran away from the hospital. But the choose to stay‼️‼️‼️ for stu i wont eve.n elaborate because my. Girl. My. Ficking. Girl. Was enough for me lmaooo‼️‼️‼️but billy didnt need to say athing! In fact, it would be better for him if he didnt bc he knew dewey woukd recognize him the second the spotlight was on him. But.he did. He defended yn the second he could. He defended her even if he knew no one would listen to him.

Im 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠 anywaysssss hahaha i love your writing a normal amount............

Alsooo you wrote jill so so well that i wanted to go inside my phone and strangle her myself lmaoo

THANK YOU!!! I LOVE THIS REVIEW OMFG AFGSSG😍💘

Oh YN definitely cares and so do they there's just so much turmoil and difference in morals that it's a rough road but Billy and Stu saving her (To "kill her god knows when" yeah right 😒🙄) And her deciding to follow that moral compass and save Billy before her own ass because it was the 'right thing to do' (mm hmm 🤨😒) is just another layer they didn't know this situation could have!

Fr YN could have played dumb but I ain't gonna lie when I came out of anesthesia I slept SO HARD it was insane I was fucking out of it and barely formed thoughts so I can't imagine some bitch waking me up a few hours after my surgery trying to strangle me THEN trying to make coherent thoughts to justify why Billy is there 😣

And I think as the author writing it (And the girl reading it lol) like...YN is fucking tired.

I mean, her best friend and honestly only true friend died and she found his corpse and has that weighing on her conscience that it's her fault they seperated. Gale was never her friend 100% fake af and YN lowkey knows it. Karla is a friend by being Ray's wife but not on the level her and Randy are.

And other than Dewey; Billy and Stu is all she's got. In one night, she was truly stabbed for the first time not counting her arm or hand. Good and only Friend is dead. She's being framed AGAIN over fame she never wanted to begin with.

Dewey, as much as she loves him platonically, has changed because of that badge and being married to Gale and in Woodsboro (I noticed it from 3 to 4 with Dew to Sid and was shocked tbh) and has done nothing but make YN not trust him with her safety this entire installment.

Stu pointed it out in TT. That he was there no matter what, toxic or not. He knew the worst and best of YN and stayed there for his own selfishness but still for her as well. When Randy and Dewey only knew what YN revealed but she was living a double life that they UNDERSTANDABLY would be hurt and enraged over but Billy and Stu have been known and don't care

ISTG it's why I fuck with enemies to lovers sm bc your enemy sees your worst side, weakest side, you see there's and yet you still fall in love?

I think Billy has never seen these sides of YN and when he did in TT he was in a shit place in his life and still bitter over what she did in Set Up and Sequels Suck.

But Stu? He was in her life from Windsor to Hollywood on and off and got over her betrayal before Billy so it's easier for him.

And I hc Stu as fucking nuts to be blunt. Flys off the handle, impulsive, delusional, arrogant, has little value in peoples lives, doesn't discriminate with killing, sadist, possibly even a bit of a high functioning individual with a form of ASPD or just good old narcissism where he doesn't love like a normal person does so he forced himself into YN's life as a form of control but that doesn't mean he doesn't care for her he just cares for his own self preservation first and always will. While I hc Billy as an introverted guy with fucked up morals and possible hallucinations like his daughter Sam / he's more likely to snap than most people same with his Mom Nancy. But I think he feels love and emotions the same as anyone else he just has trust issues and cynical af.

It's why after so long...I mean, aside from money, Billy got what he wanted. YN is alone, isolated, depressed, anxiety, PTSD, no friends, everyone she cares for is dead or hates her, getting attacked by conspiracy theorists that claim she helped them. And I think he's realizing slowly but surely that maybe her suffering for trying to turn him in while saving him isn't what he wanted after all.

Thank you for the review and listening to me rant I just love these in detailed ones because sometimes you guys see things about the characters I don't even!!♡♡♡

[ladylaviniya]

Tw: Discussion about suicide attempts and personal suicidal ideation.

Recently I started listening REALLY LISTENING to the lyrics of "Achilles Come Down."

I have heard and played this song for a few years and never actually listened to the words and message.

“Achilles, Achilles, just put down the bottle

Don’t listen to what you’ve consumed

And there may not be meaning, so find one and seize it

Do not waste yourself on this roof.

You want the acclaim, the mother of mothers

(It’s not worth it, Achilles)

More poignant than fame or the taste of another

(Don’t listen, Achilles)

But be real and just jump, you dense motherf**ker

(You’re worth more, Achilles)

You will not be more than a rat in the gutter

(So much more than a rat)

You want my opinion, my opinion you’ve got

(No one asked your opinion)

You asked for my counsel, I gave you my thoughts

(No one asked for your thoughts)

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Be done with this now and jump of the roof

(Be done with this now and get off the roof)

Can you hear me, Achilles? I’m talking to you.

Yesterday I wailed at work (cause I am allowed to wear earphones as I clean 🎧) and all I could think about was myself in 2021 & 2022 when I was really really close a few times to totally ending my life. The biggest events was considering jumping off of Victoria Bridge, and Darra Train Station Platform in front of a moving train. And the other was when I drank some morphine in the hopes I'd overdose and fall asleep.

Because sincerely I feel like Red is 2021-2022 me while blue is 2023-2024 me

I wish I couldve been able to warn 2019 me what was going to come so she could prepare. So I could tell what to do and what not to do. She was so naive, gullible, scared and stupid. She lost too much and a lot of it was by choice.

I don't know really what to say or if I should hug her. She has been through things she was not prepared for no matter how much she believed she was. She felt trapped and escaping her imagined cage created worse outcomes.

She thought after highschool life would get better because that was what was promised to her by teachers and adults she looked up to.

I wish I could tell her that no matter what, she is worth something. She doesn't have to resort to considering the end of her life.

[madeby-dre]

I truely can not be ased to deal with 'life'

Another reason is i dont feel as if it is my own

I live everyday in ones head i dont see through my own eyes i dont hear through my own ears i dont taste with my mouth and i do not feel with my own skin

I am in anothers body and all that is actually mine are my thoughts not even my words

I wonder sometimes if my real self is unconscious in another reality and im currently living as someone else before i wake up again

I feel disconnected from my younger self

Primary doesnt feel real

The start of highschool feels weird to think about too

Maybe thats just me growing up, thats normal

But i know that being in a constant state of derealisation isnt, and that there is genuinely something wrong with me, but maybe whats worse than that is the fact that i dont care.

I was speaking to my dad once when he tried to stop me smoking

He told me that it would kill me

I replied to him saying i dont care and im not afraid of death

He said to me that id be effecting him, my mum and all the others in my family

And all i thought in my head was

Will this man shut the fuck up

I feel so narcissistic at times and i know for a fact im selfish everyone is but its times like that when i realise i share little guilt or empathy

Or when my mum shouts at me because shes worried for me or ive done something wrong

Ill just stare at her.

A dead look on my face as she keeps dragging on about how im acting

Then my step-dad goes on about how im in the wrong and what i couldve done to better the situation, theyre constantly on my arse for everything, but 99% of the time i dont know what ive done wrong, i dont put myself in other peoples shoes because i either want to be better than them,

Or be worse, psychologically.

[cgi-term-2]

Computer generated imagery - week 12 - 3d character

SHES DONE!!! My character is completed and textured and I absolutely love it. The texturing went so well. I started off by isolating my hard surface areas which i am very proud of and importing them into substance painter.

I followed the original theme of making them look steampunky through rusting and the fading away of metalic paint with rubber padding and I absolutely love how it came out. I added a lot of dirt and mud to add context that she is in the forest scene i put her in which came out incredibly, i truly amazed myself by how good this character would be.

The way it renders on the character looks so good! It really firs the vibe and worldbuilding through these textures, I genuinely have no idea what else i can say other than i love it! Here are some renders in maya

I truly have done what i set out to do and that was create a steampunky archer, i love the model much more than i couldve imagined, the textures didnt carry through 1-2-1 but thats probably an issue with how i implemented them, the dirt really makes this character seem alive and as though they exist outside the render.

The last thing i needed to do was pose her, i decided to recreate the pose from the concept image and it was very difficult, for this i had to learn rigging and weight painting which both deserve some strong words im not going to put in this blog post, but i got it done and it was worth it as the pose really make it even better! Overall this runs the interactive pretty close for my fave project this year, i learned so much and am super happy with how it turned out!

[wildcatofgreen]

“Dear Diary”

Send “Dear Diary” to read a random entry of my muses diary/journal.

"Round an' round, the die will go. Where will it land? Nobody knows!"

Rolls it.

"Avalice. Alright, let's see."

Flips open the Avalice book. Reads aloud.

"dear diary "cory laughed at me over the phone. i was tellin her all about lyli and stuff and then she just started laughing "i kinda dont get why...? i was just talking about how cool and awesome and pretty she is. like shes my best friend how could i not think these things. "if cory had a super cool best friend like lilac she'd think the same things!!! she doesnt need to LAUGH!!!"

She puts a thumb on this page.

" 'Fore I continue, lemme just read the literal next entry. I remember these two very vividly, y'see. Ahem."

Flipping to the next page, it was almost a completely blank page, save for eleven words.

"dear diary "oh my fucking stones im in love with lilac."

Flips back to the previous entry, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"For as much sierra as I get for this stuff now, at least I realized it pretty early. It ain't take long for me to understand, after Cory bullied me and wouldn't explain why, the exact reason. "Should'a heard the kinda things I was talkin' about this girl. Always wantin' to be with her, talkin' 'bout how great she was, 'bout all the lil sierra she does. Like how when she cleans she cleans in alphabetical order. Or when she makes cup noodles she'll always add a dash of cinnamon if we have any. Or if she gives me a gift, it always has somethin' to do with her. It's usual subtle, but I remember one time she gave me a gift that had a literal lilac on it.

"She's so fuckin' corny."

Right, the diary entry.

Clears her throat, then continues.

"today me and lilac kinda mostly did house maintenance. its not been a long time since me and lilac built it but some stuff wasnt working right. the tv's fucked and the water doesnt run right. so me and lilac were tryin to figure out why. we didnt get it today but lilac said that there's always tomorrow. like that one play! "i wanna go see it with her sometime. maybe we could do that trenchcoat thing like on tv!!! thatd be really funny!!! "though it wouldnt be stealthy... we're too tall to do it good now. maybe when we were back in the scarves, a couple years back. "i bet i could steal us some tickets at least. get out of this STUPID house and do something actually cool for once! im glad we have this house but im sick of it. the rooms back in the scarves were better. "i almost wish spade wasnt such a jerk none of this wouldve happened. well the entire place is full of jerks actually but still!!! spade's the biggest jerk!!!! 3: "im super glad i have lilac with me though!!! idk if i couldve done all this on my own! i love her so much!!!! "why did that make me feel weird to say? "carol"

"I suppose lil me had some smarts in that peanut brain. I think about what would've happened if I never met the girl. Be some ''cool'' double agent ninja or somethin'?

"As much as the idea sounds cool, Iiiiii'd rather not risk any limbs trying to steal for these undesirables. What would happen during Brevon if we never left? Who the hell would the Magister call on about Merga for? Their stupid royal guard?

"Lissen, you ain't hear this from me, but all of those dudes are incompetent. Jade and Doug are the only good ones! Literally nobody else knows how to do their job! I can't speak for the other kingdoms--except for Shang Mu those guys suck too--but I doubt that they're good at their jobs too.

"The kingdoms are better off with a one man band than the guards at all. Spread us out, station us in every kingdom then when something happens it'll be easy as pie to take care of.

"I'm getting ahead of myself--point is, I'm glad I went with Lilac back then. I was a brat myself--can't imagine how Lilac felt about me. If she ain't regret her choices then she probably would pretty soon."

She sighed, resting a hand on her face.

[thatfuzzyfamiliarspace]

Woke up so slumped today. Upset about yesterday. I hate being the bigger person. I know I just need to accept the reality of the situation. Still doesnt stop me feeling shitty tho. God and then waking up and seeing I missed marking off my dailys AGAIN when he said I had a final chance to get it done.. Driving into work was miserable. Got in so late too. Didnt get any time to sort out the flat last night for the girls coming over today, so I just did what I could. Fucking hell I’m just so sad. I’m sick of the screaming in my head, the dialogue that isnt mine. I had every chance to tell him yesterday, but I just couldnt. I didnt even tell my therapist. Idk if I’m more worried about being called an idiot again and it being dismissed or actually receiving a large level of concern. But how do you even tell someone that, how do you word the level of derealization without coming across as utterly delusional ? He thinks he just talks at me and I just sit there but I’ve got constant commentary going on as he speaks, he wants me to reply but I can’t. Not with my own words. Idek what my own words are. How do I decifier whats mine and whats not when they sound like me, when I believe their words are my thoughts. Even right now, is this even me? Or is this the script theyve given me ? I just feel so tormented. I dont want to be here rn, I want to go home. I dont give a shit about this job, I dont even wanna socialise and host my friends later. I want some peace. He has no idea how much I’m looking forward to next saturday. Literally what is keeping me going. I really wanna book El Row for Nov, but after that convo last night, like that’ll ever happen. I don’t want to resent him. But him saying me being upset and safe is better than him being stressed, just no. I dont agree. I have to keep burying my emotions coz damn they come in huge waves. I’m so close to just blowing up. And I dont want him in the cross fire of that. God my head, theres just so much, I dont even know what to think. I just know I feel like shit. I’m gonna waste away the day wishing it was over. Thinking of stuff I shouldnt. Put on a fake mask for the evening then go to bed and repeat. It’s all so tedious. I find it so funny that I would boil the kettle to try and be smart and sterilise it but like?? So you be smart in that regard but not the other. Lets hurt myself but do it safely. The irony. God I just wanna hurt, on the outside. I wish I couldve stayed home for him to punish me. I loved it when Malu was hitting me over and over at kick boxing. I loved being told to keep sparring when it hurt. When I stopped he added on extra and told me to do it all again. I want that rn. I can starve myself, I can go down rabbit holes, I can think shitty thoughts, I can even drink to excess tonight, but its never enough. I need some real damage. It’s the only thing that numbs the rest of it. The healthy way doesnt stop it, it just hits pause and then all of a sudden it all floods back in. God he’d think I’m being so stupid rn. That I’m being like every other “woman” bringing in all this other shit when I’m upset. But thats the thing, I dont bring it in, its always, always fucking there. How do I tell someone I’m in constant pain. Constant torment. That I have no idea if what I’m feeling is real or not. If what I think is real. Sometimes I wonder why I have all this shit going on, is it them tormenting me ? Am I just weak and cannot process and deal with stuff ? Am I just suppressing who I really am and its just such a shitty person I dont wanna accept that ? fuck knows. Like the whole festival thing is just surface level. There’s so much to it that I dont even know how to express. The RELIEF I felt when he said we’d aim to go before we’re 27. That’s all I wanted. I have these next two years. And I’m gonna be in decline for them. I don’t want to be. But idk how to get help. 

[levworship]

Okay but I just read what the other anon requested and that was so good?? I didn’t think I had a thing for receiving oral but wtf 😭🤚could I maybe request smth if you got time?? Could it be a reunion between volleyball teams from miyagi and tokyo? So nekoma, fukorodani, seijoh, Johzenji (terushima’s tongue piercing PLS), karasuno, itachiyama You were the old manager of nekoma and was friends with literally everyone, during the talk kuroo somehow mentioned that in the nekoma reunion like 2 years ago it somehow ended with the main guys all taking turns eating you out and that pisses off the rest of the guys because that was their fantasy?? This ends up with you (with consent ofc) being sat down on kuroo’s lap as the guys also take turns eating you out (inspired by the other anon because 😩) I understand if you obviously can’t mention everyone, but pls mention terurshima, sakusa (who would only let you make a mess on his face) and bokuto if you could <3 ALSO the idea of two people eating you out at the same time, maybe bokuto and terushima?? IM NASTY OKAY BUT PLS DO THAT

Ty in advanceeee

i’m usually pretty fast but this took me a whole two days to write smh i’m sorry anon. hope you enjoy tho <3 i wanted it to be a lil longer but i’m so tired and i rlly wanted to get this out for you.

cw: group sex (like.. big group), hella sub reader, also fem reader, anal lol, oral (fem reviving), kuroo is the ringleader, humiliation ig, reader kinda into it doe, dirty talk, degrading + praise, squirting, overstimulation

summary: basically everyone wants to eat out/fuck y/n. explicitly written in here is kuroo, oikawa, sakusa, bokuto, and terushima. the rest is implied.

word count: about 1.9k

your face was buried into kenma’s stiff shoulder, your whole body feeling hot as your group of friends continued to talk about you as if you weren’t even there. but clearly they hadn’t forgotten about you too much considering the way their eyes burned holes into you from all around so indiscreetly that you couldn’t even sit your ass still.

you weren’t quite sure how the previous conversation had shifted so suddenly, but kuroo seemed more than happy with the subject change as his signature asshole smirk never left his features. “- yeah, ‘bout two years ago i’d say. she was a good fuck too. poor thing was so eager to make us feel good that she passed out.” kuroo continued to drag his story as if to intentionally provoke the others, and the staring at you only got worse. your nerves were shot.

you looked and felt like a precious bunny being stared down by a bunch of wolves. and honestly? it was hot as fuck.

which is why you didn’t bother to argue when you were practically dragged into the locker room of the old gym, daichi hurriedly locking the door behind all of you. you couldn’t help but feel bad for just a second. ‘didnt some of these guys have girlfriends? couldve sworn i saw terushima enter with some girl.’ but how could you possibly focus on that when your clothes were being literally ripped off of you and disregarded to who knows where?

your legs felt weak, both out of shock and nervousness from being handled so roughly. “bring her here, bo. sit her down on my lap.” bokuto (for perhaps the first time in his life) was silent as he dragged you over to the other ex-captain, setting you down in his lap on his spot on the bench just as he’d requested. kuroo snickered and raised a hand to cup your cheeks, squeezing them together like you were a little baby before releasing.

“ease up, will ya? so damn tense i can feel it from here. you know we’ll take good care of you.” he spoke so lowly and reassuringly that you couldn’t help but to nod like a fool as he turned you around in his lap to fit the others. he tapped your thigh once, twice, and you quickly picked up on the hint and opened your legs for their viewing pleasure. you tried to put your face down as you were smothered in shame from just how quickly you got wet from their rough handling, but kuroo gripped onto your face once again and forced you to look up.

“look up, baby. so many big strong men dying to make you cum so fucking hard. be a little more thankful, yeah? say it.” “thank you.” he shook his head with a small laugh before releasing your face, but not before lightly tapping your face twice with soft slaps. still, you remained out of it even as oikawa settled himself between your legs, looking up at you with the same lazy smile you frequently saw him wearing around you.

“smells so damn good. finally gonna let me get a taste, cutie?” he spoke lowly as if he were to himself before diving in and holy shit. you figured he’d be pretty experienced. the guy was a literal chick magnet. but damn, this exceeded your expectations by far. your body threatened to curl over itself if it hadn’t been for kuroo’s sturdy grip on your twitching thighs. the way he sucked vigorously at your clit while swiping his tongue along your folds to capture more of your essence had you drawing nothing but blanks up there.

“haven’t even cum yet for us and already going dumb?” kuroo teased, planting a kiss just behind your ear, a shocking contrast to the way oikawa’s tongue worked against you just right.

the air around you was so thick you felt as if it could be cut with a knife. some of the guys surrounding you couldn’t figure out what to do with themselves, nervously shuffling their feet without taking your eyes off of you. others had clearly overcome any former shame, already slowly pumping their cocks in their hands as they hoped and prayed that they would get a turn soon. the whole scene made you feel so dirty— so wanted. the desire that leaked from their looks on you had your orgasm approaching faster than ever.

oikawa seemed to have noticed this, using his thumbs to spread your folds apart to make sure you felt him deep, muttering a quick “cum on my fucking mouth, princess.” the simple phrase alone made your orgasm crash down on you finally. your fingers tangled in his soft hair, which was now messy and tossed thanks to you.

you nearly passed out right there when he continued to lick you clean even as you violently shook in kuroo’s grasp, the black haired boy having to shove the other away forcefully just to separate his mouth from you. “that’s enough of that. did he make you feel good baby?” your eyes are still shut as you cling onto the leftover bliss, only offering a quiet “mhm.” “good girl. think you can give us another?” the question was clearly rhetorical, which should’ve been clear by the was he was already gesturing someone else forward. but still, you shook your little fucked out head ‘no’ and prayed upon some god that he’d have mercy on your poor quivering cunt.

but you knew better than to expect mercy from kuroo of all people. especially when it came to your body, when he kept whispering to you about how you were such a “perfect little toy,” and his “favorite doll to use.” before you knew it sakusa was diving into your pussy quickly without giving you time to do so much as muster up the energy to open your eyes again. his mouth was quick and desperate to get you off, moving with a sense of urgency as his hands busied themselves palming at his covered dick. he wasn’t nearly as precise or experienced as oikawa was, but his eagerness made up for it as he ate you out like a starved man.

your hips threatened to buck against his face wildly, cries of “please, please, please” falling from your mouth even though you didn’t even know what you were begging for. all you knew was that you needed more than what he was giving you right now. the man above you seemed to have read you like an open book once again as he released one of your thoughts to reach a hand around to your sensitive bud, pressing down on it softly. “see this?” he murmured, only receiving a small “hm.” in acknowledgement as omi continued his assault on your little hole. greedy fuck. “try touching her here. she loves that shit.” you cried out for more again, clenching tightly at the way he spoke of your body as if you weren’t even there.

the second sakusa tore himself away from your folds to wrap his lips around your clit, you were a goner for sure. there was a distant scream that you didn’t even recognize as your own until kuroo muffled them with his hand, body twitching and jerking more than it had the previous time. the room fell to a sudden silence even as you came down from your high, causing you to let out a confused hum.

kuroo’s chuckle broke the quietness, his large hand slapping your wet overstimulated mound and making you yelp. “didn’t know you were a squirter, baby. how come you didn’t do this for us the first time hm?” another rhetorical question. his hand trailed down lower, collecting some of your juices before he began to prod a finger at your other hole. “fuck- gonna let me bury myself in here again? want both of your holes fucked out?” and you couldn’t help but cry out because fuck yes! you couldn’t think of anything you’d want more. you nodded your head and panted like a sex craved mutt, and perhaps you would’ve been as humiliated as you were before if you weren’t so damn thirsty for it. every inch of you was begging to be ravished and destroyed, and you couldn’t help but grow more and more impatient as the time passed.

kuroo didn’t take his eyes off of you as he nodded towards the crowd once again, sakusa taking the hint and reluctantly scurrying off to palm at himself through his sweatpants just as he previously had. kuroo’s command must’ve been unclear though, as both of you were pulled away from your eye contact at the sound of a comical bonk followed by two grunts of “ow.” perhaps you would’ve laughed if the two aforementioned fools weren’t kneeling in front of your drenched pussy, ready to service you eagerly just as the other two had.

a chill ran up your spine as you surveyed each of their features. while both of them shared the same underlying expressions of lust and desperation, you couldn’t help but note how bokuto’s face resembled one of an excited puppy dog that perhaps would’ve been adorable in another circumstance while terushima’s was much more primal. “look at that” kuroo’s voice in your ear dragged you back out of your own head as he slowly sunk another finger into your tight ass. just because he was going to treat you like a whore didn’t mean you didn’t deserve prep. “making a fool out of themselves, all because they’re so desperate to get a taste of that perfect pussy. doesn’t that make you feel filthy?”

kuroo couldn’t do anything but shake his head at your lack of response, finally releasing your thighs for a moment to grab at both of their napes, silently demanding for you to hold them open yourself. “well? since you’re both so impatient, think you two can work together as a team? if i hear her complain even one time, i’m not letting either of you touch again.”

the two of them nodded obediently, and your eyes nearly rolled back at how demanding kuroo was being right now. it was clear that everyone knew who was truly holding the ropes here, and yet no one was complaining about the arrangement. seemingly satisfied with their responses, kuroo released their necks and his hands smacked yours away so he could replace them and hold up your thighs himself once again. “think you’re ready to take my cock now in here, y/n?” he smirked as he lined himself up. “gonna let me fuck this ass while you let both of them eat that slutty pussy? such a dirty girl. so fuckin’ good for us” he continued to spew filth at you as he lined himself up at your entrance, allowing you to sink down slowly.

you hissed at the stretch, but of course didn’t have much time to focus on the sensation because bokuto and terushima had finally decided that they’d been waiting for long enough. they worked diligently, the cool metal of teru’s tongue piercing flicking against your bud while bokuto slurped on your juices so loudly that the sound filled the room in the most embarrassing way possible.

yeah. you were in for it tonight.

sorry for mistakes or inconsistencie. requests for bnha and haikyuu are open.

[kashimos-hajime]

no regrets (8/8) | r.b.

summary: For the first time, he thinks of a future he could have, and someone who loves him, and there’s something bright in his heart. Or, Reiner finally understands what peace is.

WARNINGS: MANGA SPOILERS!!! angst, mentions of violence, we get our happy ending :) pairing: reiner braun x fem!reader word count: 6.7k

a/n: welcome to the last chapter!! thank you so much for being on this journey with me. there are a few callbacks to previous chapters so see if you can catch ‘em all heheh 

masterlist

crossposted on ao3 x

Few months ago ymir asked if I could let her write one last letter to krista, and I did let her. I stood over her shoulder the whole time, watching her pen down all this sappy shit and I kept thinking about you the whole time, behind those walls. What you were doing, what you were thinking. Maybe if you thought about me. I dont know.

I’m starting to see the appeal of wrting what youre not strong enough to say to a persons face. I never thought Id find myself on the other end of this stick. for some reason, I thought that I could stop myself, resist the temptation, or maybe that I didnt feel for you as strong as I thought I did once I was away from you. I was wrong.

What do I even say? I mean shit, I can barely see, my limbs are barely in tact, and all of it—shiganshina, it haunts me, even though I cant really remember it that well. Half of it goes black and then I remember hearing your voice, I remember Bertholdt, I remember you screaming.

You couldve walked away. why didnt you walk away? It doesn’t make sens. Why did you think to cut me out? Why did you try to save me? Im trying to make it make sense inmy head. It’s not working.

Fuck I dont know what I was thinking when I asked for a paper and pen. Why am I asking you questions? Its not like ill ever understand. At this point, I think it’s pity thats letting Zeke let me waste ink on trying to write straight. He doesn’t know what im doing, but thats better this way. Better than sleeping—better than eating. I just wanna talk to you and this is as close as I can get. Its my own damn fault, but I dont care. 

I completed my mission. After this, im done. ill give up the rest of my term. I dont want any of that glory anymore. I dont want to be a hero. Im just done.

Fuck, my head hurts so much. I dont really know if what im saying is making sense. Im hoping you never read this.

im sorry. I wish I could explain it to you some day, but chances are, ill be dead soon. Whether for treason or because they need to pass on the Titan, and I wont be able to see you again. Which means youll never know how sorry I am. How much I

Thats okay. I dont think youd believe me now even if I did say anything.

I remember your dream to live by the lake with a bunch of kids. You know I started to wonder if youd mind if they were our kids, not just some orphans who needed a home. I’d imagine one of them with blond hair. Imagine them swimming in the lake.

Never told you that was my dream too. Never knew i could have a dream of my own, something only I wanted and not just something to further marleys damn agenda, til I knew you. Sounds stupid but its true.

I think youd like Marley, if we weren’t sworn enemies. Just want you here with me right now. make me sleep easier knowing you’re there when I wake up. 

Dont want secrets either. Fuck I miss you so bad. I feel s o tired all the time. 

I rember when i first saw you all could think about was how you were the most prettiest girl id ever seen. I don know if you know thats why I tried to distance myself. Knew I couldn’t get distracted from my mison. happened anyway. Wish I could tell you that. 

wish I could tell you I love you. Wish I could see the look on yur face when you try lobster for the first time. Youd love it. Not sweet, but tons of desserts here too.

Shit. And the ring on your finger. ill put a ring on your finger. I promised. i swear ill go home and buy a ring for the moment I see you again. Might not be pretty but will do the best I can.

Olnly wnat only wnat only want to see you again and beg for your forgiveness. Let you know if I had a choice, I wouldnt have done it. Would take it all back, nd stay. i wanted to stay, stay with you and the others. I used to want to spend the rest of my life in those walls, now I think im sick and tired of them dividing people who arent even that differnet.

My eyes are beginning to burn. Worse because the skin is sitll growing back. Fucking hell god I miss you. miss your smile more.

I know i dont deserve your forigvneess forgiveness. I want you to be angry with me. I deserve as much, and I cant ask you to, but 

With love,

Rienr

You fold the letter, eyes closing as your fingers trace where the ink bled, the old tear stains wrinkling the paper beyond measure. Some are older than others, and you trace over his name again, your eyes burning, your throat tight enough to suffocate.

You’re leaning against the wall as everyone disembarks. They had taken Eren off first, Hange and the others getting ready to depart for the city while Connie and Jean lift a covered stretcher too white for the vivacious girl that lays dead beneath it.

They pass you silently, and you catch sight of a certain captain approaching, his pale eyes nearly swallowed by the shadows haunting his face.

“Captain,” you say, straightening. Placing the letter back into the tin, you slide it back into your pocket as he folds a green jacket over his shoulder. You give him a nod.

“You made it out alive,” Levi observes. He stops beside you, eyes more focused on what’s ahead. No doubt he’s not looking forward to having to take Zeke to wherever he needs to go—somewhere far, far away from Eren. You cross your arms. 

“It’s good to see you, too, Levi,” you intone. Sighing, you step in beside him and look out at the Walls you can’t see in the distance, your entire body wrought with a strange fatigue that’s only sewn into muscles by adrenaline leaving the body. “I think I’m going to stay.” He tilts his head to you, eyes flickering to your face, and you mirror the shift, your arms tightening. “I can’t leave this unfinished. Not after Liberio.”

“The farm will have to be abandoned,” he points out. “The kids, too.”

“I’ll make sure I move them where someone can take care of them. Somewhere north, far away from the brothers,” you assure, although still, your heart begins to sink and you close your eyes, exhaling deeply. “I have to hope they understand.”

Levi only nods, and you open your eyes as he wordlessly takes the jacket off his arm and offers it to you. Grasping it wearily, you open your mouth to ask questions but he only sets off, back towards the cabin where Zeke is still being held, and you snap your jaws shut, looking down at the jacket.

When you unfold it, you swallow the hard rock in your throat at the blue and white slipping beween the folds of olive green before there’s a sharp whistle. Looking up, you see the carriages already beginning to load up, and you glance back at the door where the captain has disappeared through before jogging down the ramp.

You slither your arms through the sleeves and shuffle the fabric along your frame as something thumps against your thigh, and you frown, reaching down into your pocket and coming into contact with something smooth and hard.

Withdrawing, your lips part at the green bolo tie gleaming in the lights of the port and you, without another thought, pull it over your head, letting it fall against your breastbone. 

“For your services to the Survey Corps.”

There’s no time to second-guess now. No time to debate.

“Good to have you back,” Hange murmurs as you walk towards the carriage taking Mikasa, Armin, and the others back to the city. You tug the lapels of the jacket tighter around yourself and flash them a weak smile. 

The Wings of Freedom on your arm feel like a brand, and it prickles your skin as you climb in after them.

.

Distantly, he remembers flashes. 

Eren reaching forward for Zeke, the exhaustion ripping him every which way, the sound of ODM gear whizzing in his ears as he tries to make sense of the punctured sensation in his armour.

How he had softened his nape, intending to die then. At least, let his death have some meaning, he had thought. Let him make one last effort to repent for everything he did to Paradis, and to his friends who’d been more family than his own mother.

He slips in an out of consciousness for the next few days. He doesn’t know what is up, what is down, but he does recognize his surroundings blearily, the way his head spinning somehow slowing when he presses his temple to the wooden floor.

How can he almost hear your voice in the echoes of the panels, countered by someone who almost sounds like Annie before he drifts off again.

When Reiner finally regains consciousness again, he wakes to someone crouched down in front of him. Jerking up, he lets out a sound before a palm slaps over his mouth and your face is shoved against his own.

“Shut it,” you whisper fiercely. “It’s just me.”

Your name muffled by your own hand, his eyes begin to burn and you lift your palm away as he sits up and you draw back. You’re dressed in clothes that look like they’ve seen better days but you’re relatively uninjured as you pull back. New lines adorn your face—one of the many prices of their damned war—and you only look exhausted. 

Sitting up, Reiner’s whole body groans as he leans against the wall, but he can’t tear his eyes away from you. Your hands are hovering around his body like you’re scared he’ll collapse and there’s a fracture in your mask.

Something gleams on your finger and his eyes flit to it, his heart lurching when he realizes what it is.

The ring. You’re wearing it. You…

For a moment, a glimmer of their teenage selves shine through and he wants to reach for it—touch it so he can remember what it’s like to be happy. He thinks it’s an awful like now; the swelling of his heart so big he can’t breathe; the way his lungs are static in his chest; how he can’t say anything because there are so many words that want to come out first.

“You’re here. You’re alive,” he finally settles on raspily. Your eyes glint with a youthful pain as you nod.

“So are you.” 

And he doesn’t know who moves first—you or him. Nothing is forgiven as their bodies crash in an embrace that lacks grace, but they cling onto another like the world is ending and they’re the only ones left standing. 

Maybe they are.

He buries his face in your neck, and your arms are so tight around him your fingers dig into his shoulders as your body melts against his and his skeleton sags in his own body.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers against your skin, eyes fluttering shut. “I‘m sorry.” A hand against your neck and an arm around your waist, he wraps his legs around your own and traps you against him. You seem to only sink into him even more.

Is that enough? I don’t want you to hate me.

You suck in a breath, and then it comes out shuddering. “You can spend the rest of what life you have left repenting for making me fall in love with a man who was always supposed to die.”

Softly, in his mind, your voice cools the searing heat of hatred inside him. It’s enough. It has to be.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. It’s like they’re the only words he knows. He can’t remember ever meaning it this much. For him dying, for making you love him, for ever coming to Paradis. For loving you. For loving you. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know. I know.” Your face turns to press against his own. Your lips brush against his jaw and his eyes slide shut, tears rolling down his face. “I read every single one of your letters.” Drawing back, you cup his face in his hands and your fingers smear his tears all over his cheeks as his palm rests against your neck. Thumb stretching up to touch your chin, he feels sobs shuddering in his throat at seeing you again—looking at him almost like you used to. “I can’t begin to understand, but I know you are. And I know you love me.”

Choking, he gasps, “You should hate me.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I should.” You’re crying, too, voice thick, tears stubborn on your cheeks as you give him a watery smile. “I should hate Marley, too. But it’s beautiful there. The water by the sea… I want to be there with you next time. We need to go together, before you leave me alone, okay?”

Reiner doesn’t quite hear you. He hears Marley, and beautiful, and he’s never noticed how beautiful you are when you cry, but right now, it’s the simplest truth he knows. 

“Okay.”

When you tilt his chin up and kiss him softly, something inside him explodes from the gentleness that makes him want to crack in the palm of your hands. It sears him from the inside out, makes him grab onto you like you’ll disappear—this is another dream, isn’t it? 

It has to be. 

You can’t be kissing him again after four years. He doesn’t deserve it. You’re an illusion, something his mind made up to deal with the pain. He’s finally cracked for good, just like Bertholdt said he would, and he’s the devil, not you.

But then you pull away just for a moment to smile, eyes barely open as you look at him with a sad tenderness that wraps him in an invisible embrace, and he is faced with the heart-wrenching reality. 

The sky is falling, you are holding him tightly again, and they’ve lost their years. But you’re here. With him. 

He knows that this isn’t a dream as he feels the coolness of the silver band on your finger and the heaviness in how he knows he hasn’t repented a damn thing. 

Why him?

As you run your hand through his hair, you press their foreheads together.

“And I do want a family with you, by the water if you’d like,” you murmur fleetingly against his mouth and his eyes widen, cheeks burning, entire face crumbling as he turns his face in to your shoulder, crushing you in another brace. Sobbing into your neck, his fingers dig into your shoulders, wrap tight around your waist, squeeze you so close he isn’t sure where you end and he begins and your lips brush the shell of his ear. “Reiner, say it.”

“Please,” he whispers thickly into your skin, and you cradle the back of his head with a hand. He’s nothing more than shambles. “Please, don’t go.”

“I’m not letting you out of my sight again,” you promise. His breath is hot against his own face as you pull his head back and cradle his face again, thumbs brushing away the tears from his red face. “Just a bit more. A bit more and then it’ll be all over, you know?”

And he understands, then, what you want from him. Struggling for breath, for his lungs to stop seizing in his aching chest, he cups your face that turns into his palm on instinct, your face wet with your own tears as, for a moment, they try to pretend this isn’t where they really are.

Like they’re still in that afternoon in Trost, a thousand years ago, with the kids flipping coins into the water fountain and a cream bun between them. Like they’re under the tree, apple juice on your wrist and his lips on yours.

Like it’s those trips to the city, the walks on the Walls. Honey is dripping down your chin and he’s pretending he doesn’t want to kiss you, or there’s grease smeared on his forehead, and you’re reaching up to wipe it off his skin.

Like a thousand moments all at once, and he nods to himself as you brush your hand over his temple. The world outside is startlingly quiet, as if the universe itself stopped everything itself to watch this moment, and Reiner takes a breath that bruises his sternum before he’s holding your left hand where that ring still sits.

And slowly, he pulls it off, whispering as firmly as he can. He’s sure he fails—he’s shaking all over from your presence alone.

“When this is over, I’ll put that ring back on your finger. I promise.”

The smile that splits your face is dazzling. It’s the smile he’s missed since the day he left it.

“We have a lot of things to work out, Reiner Braun.”

And your fingers barely brush his jaw before you’re leaning to press a sweet kiss against his mouth. It’s sugary on his tongue, like honey and apple slices.

.

Your back is warmer when you’re pressed up against Reiner’s. The ship is quiet, and their pinkies are just barely hooked on oen another’s as you stare blankly at the empty space between Connie’s boots. You don’t speak, and Reiner’s gaze is only on you. He can’t look at anything else now that you’re back by his side again.

There’s a cut on your cheek from the fight just half an hour ago, and there’s dried blood along your hands where your knuckles had split open, but everyone seems too exhausted to clean themselves up. 

Reiner himself has a blanket pulled over his shoulders, and he sighs, slouching in his own sack of flesh.

Your head tilts towards him, enough that your temple presses against his cheek. His eyes close and he leans into your touch. Not a word passes by, but their hold on each other’s hands tightens. And Reiner thinks. 

For the first time, he thinks of a future he could have, and someone who loves him, and there’s something bright in his heart. Something that hasn’t burned since he left Marley as a child.

Reiner thinks he doesn’t want to die anymore. He doesn’t want to miss you for another moment.

.

Raising from the steam, you groan, your hands searing from the inside out as you touch your face where you swore every inch of your skin had been stretched, but nothing seems out of sorts as you glance around. Everywhere, all your friends who had turned just as you had are in various states of disoriented. The air is still hissing, crackled with surprised screams and shouts of names as people look for one another across the field. 

It smells like cooked meat and burnt hair, a none-to-pleasant mixture that turns your stomach.

Getting to your feet, you wipe at your face, trying to ignore the weird feeling underneath your nails and the ache seizing your muscles. Trying to ignore the remnants of Eren lingering like a ghost that won’t really leave you alone. You shiver, and a strange cold sweat takes over your body.

He had taken you to the sea, except it wasn’t the shore you were familiar with. There was a cabin nearby, with blonde children running, chasing after one another and a man with golden hair standing on the porch, firewood in his arms as he calls out silently. Or maybe you had been standing too far to hear.

“Eren… where are we?”

“Wherever you think you are,” he had said. “I just brought you where you wanted to be.”

A voice, quiet as a memory, catches your attention. “Here let me help.” A soft wind blows throw the mist, cooling your scorching face as you feel a presence stand behind you.

“Oh, thank you.” You look over your shoulder to see a tall boy, and your heart stops. Mouth dropping open, you stare at his foggy image, but he only smiles fully, a smile so tender it reaches every corner of you as you stumble forward, fingers stretching for him. “Bertholdt!”

His smile grows only that much more, eyes squinting a bit and a flash of teeth before he’s looking at your hand that passes through his chest. All at once, all the hope built up in your chest crumbles, and your hand snaps back, trembling just before him. He lays a hand over your own and your eyes begin to burn, tears slipping down your cheeks.

And then, softly, you barely whisper, “I miss you.”

Bertholdt’s smile merely grows, as if to say everything he couldn’t say before. As if to show he’s at peace now—that your last memory together isn’t every part of him, and your lips press together, trying to stop yourself from shaking.

 Shadows form in the fog, and together, the two look as a freckled boy and another girl steps out of the mist a distance away, beaming like the sun. Connie and Jean stagger to their feet just behind you, and your heart lurches into your throat when you recognize them.

“Marco! Sasha!”

Someone calls your name and you turn around just as arms scoop you up and you let out a surprised noise before settling into Reiner’s arms. Looking over your shoulder to look at Bertholdt, your heart only sinks.

He smiles and Reiner lets out a sharp breath beside you, settling you down. “Bertholdt…” More shapes emerge. A shorter boy accompanied by another taller one, both alike in their features. You recognize one as the Jaw Titan holder before Falco, but the other—

“Marcel!” Reiner chokes out the name, hand stretching out to the fog, but the boy merely tilts his head and waves.

Closing your eyes, hot tears streak over your cooling flesh as you fling your arms around Reiner again and press your face into his neck. He cradles the back of your head, and he feels… somehow weaker, but still, there is that impassable strength in his core that wraps around you as he watches over your shoulder, still clinging on despite your clothes hot enough to burn.

I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive. It’s the only thought in your head. Your last clear memory had truly been the others taking flight, and the pain that had ripped apart your body before sewing it back together again in unjust proportions. Your limbs had been too big, your blood racing too warmly through your head as your legs pumped but your brain screamed to stop. 

Your fingers had sank into Reiner’s legs to pull him down and you had watched—watched Jean take a bite out of him—

You shiver and Reiner’s arms tighten around you instinctively, constricting enough to let you know that his attention isn’t on you quite yet.

Boots shifting on the ground tentatively, your knees feel gummy as you draw back long enough to look at him. He still looks over your shoulder, and you follow his gaze to watch the mist retreat. Bertholdt and the other two boys fall into a pool of fog, and your lips part in a farewell, but it’s already too late.

He’s gone.

A wind sweeps through the battlefield, tickling your sweating neck and cooling your boiling blood.

“Hey,” a soft voice croaks.

Their eyes meet in tandem. He regards you softly, like you are the reason the sun rises and the stars hang at the sky. Overwhelmed, you can only cup the back of his neck and pull him into a deep kiss. Your other hand along his jaw, it takes all you can not to pull him into a bone-crushing embrace that’ll send them both to the ground.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” you whisper hushedly against his mouth, throat swelling as he lets out a soft noise of surprise as you pull him into another tight hug. You don’t care that you’re crushing him, just that his heart is pounding against your own chest. “I couldn’t stop myself. I’m so sorry.” 

His eyes widening, he wraps his hands around your wrists and pulling you back just enough to kiss your fingers that crumple against his mouth. Clasping one of his hands in both of your own, you close your eyes and he uses his free fingers to brush the tears off your cheek before reaching into some dented tin you don’t recognize.

Eyebrows furrowing, you feel the heat leave your entire body, sapping your energy too, and your eyes snap to Reiner who steps back, cracking it open and presenting it to you. 

“You’re not the one who has to be sorry. I don’t think I’m the Armoured Titan anymore,” he whispers. “I don’t know if I get the rest of my life back, but either way, I want to spend the rest of it repenting to you in any way I can, if you’ll allow me to.” A weak smile. “Truth.”

Your throat closes up, and you stare down at the ring so protected, gleaming despite the destruction around them. It looks almost out of place amongst the grime smearing your skin, the sweat drenching their skin, the smell of blood and metal clinging to their clothes, but Reiner only watches you with a tenderness you can barely meet. It’s so overtly overflowing with devotion that your heart is resting on your tongue, seizing control of everything. 

You barely nod, chewing on your lip, trying not to cry even harder as his eyebrows rise in relief and he lets out a long sigh.

He lifts the ring out of the tin, snapping it closed before sliding the band back home onto your finger and all at once, everything floods you. The exhaustion, the pain, the hunger, thirst, grief wrapping around your bones and chaining you to the ground.

It’s over.

The minute he put the ring on your finger, it would mean it was over. No more blood, no more fighting.

Just like he promised.

You barely croak out his name before you fall to your knees. You trust him to catch you, and he does.

[THREE YEARS LATER]

Just after the Rumbling had stopped, you had gone back to Paradis alone and came back with three children to a man who was still uncertain in a world that was changing. 

Since then, you’ve learned so much about the world, about yourself, about Reiner. 

How he’s seized by night terrors even now, just like you, and how one thing that soothes it is going out for a walk while the sun still simmers below the horizon, the sky a dark navy blue spliced with orange rays. The intricate details like him making a point to tie his own tie because his father never taught him how or the way he has to chug his coffee so he has enough energy to get through the day.

And some days are horrible, haunting, but now, it is far outweighed by the good. He teaches Xav how to dress smart, takes the girls out shopping. Sometimes, he’s spotted around Liberio with a flame-haired boy riding his shoulders, you trailing behind hiding a smile behind some ice-cream.

Different nations, foods, cultures surround you now—citizens of countries coming to settle down roots, spread cuisine to Marley. The idea before, of humans so different than you but still similar at the root of it all, existing, still blows your mind. The technologies that you had never seen before, languages you’d never heard, sights you’d never seen, had all swarmed you as you stepped into a new world with him.

But there is always one thing you’ll come back to.

Leaning against the railing in the port city Reiner told you was the harbour he had left twelve years ago, and returned to seven years ago, you watch the clouds travel in slow drags across the pale blue canvas hung high above your head. The water spans for as far as you can see, glimmering under the sun and gorgeous enough to take your breath away. You pull at your coat across your chest absently, ignoring the tender growl of your stomach. 

Breathing in the salty wind, you feel your chest expand at the litle fishing boats a little ways out.

Reiner was right. You don’t get sick of the sea. You never will—not of this much water. You still remember the first time you had swam in it, the salt-water making your hair crisp, the cold sweat forming on your your sun-warmed skin.

You feel a hand on your shoulder. Looking up, you spot blonde hair and warm eyes and smile. Your heart flutters a bit. You shift on your feet.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Reiner leans down beside you, and you clasp your hands, letting the sea wind curl against your neck. Reaching to slip his hand in between yours, he sighs and you lean against his shoulder, glancing at their pile of interlaced fingers. “Are you okay?”

“Of course,” you whisper, although even still, you can feel a numbing at your fingertips. You remember what it was like to be a Titan, even now. The sensations haunt you—flashes of your own mutated body, the grotesque meat of your hands sinking into the ankles of the man beside you, the bloodcurdling roar spilling out of your throat.

Glancing at their fingers, you watch the flashes of silver of the rings play in the sunlight, your band now having a matching counterpart on his own hand. You grasp his hands tightly, bringing them up to your lips and his own grip tightens when you dust a kiss gently along his scarred knuckles.

“No,” you finally say at length. “I’m not okay. Going back to Paradis makes me nervous as hell, but we’ll manage.” He nods slowly, and you let go of his hands to wrap your arms around his neck. His own encircle your waist, pulling you flush against him and your eyes close at the familiar warmth—a warmth you’ve woken up next to most days for the past three years. 

“Have you eaten yet?” he murmurs, and your fingers play with the soft edges teasing at your pads as his nose presses against your cheek. Your eyes flutter at the soft heat emanating from his skin, and you shake your head, melting against him. With one arm still around you, he slants his body away from just enough to pull a bag out of his pocket and it crinkles as he hands it to you. Taking it, you frown and look inside.

A cream bun. You can’t help the crumbling in your expression and Reiner holds your face in his hands carefully, kissing the corner of your mouth.

“Let’s stay positive,” he whispers. “We don’t know the situation until we get there and Historia briefs us.”

“I know,” you whisper and his entire expression eases at your words. His eyes gaze at you as if you’re the sole centre of his universe, and he cups your jaw more insistently, pulling you in for a gentle kiss, one you ease into, your eyes fluttering shut as his tongue traces the seam of your mouth. Laughing, you feel his little nose scrunch and your heart bounds up into your throat as he pulls back only to kiss you again, softer this time.

“Get a room!” A sharp female voice ruins their moment and you pull back just enough to see a red-headed boy running towards them and Reiner crouches down just in time to scoop Xavier up.

“When are you getting married?” he demands. “I was promised cake when you guys got married.”

“I dunno. When you move out of the house I guess,” you tease and Xavier pouts, rubbing at the side of his nose with the heel of his palm.

“Besides, you got cake for your seventh birthday, buddy,” Reiner groans as the boy twists in his arms. “You’re getting heavy. What are you feeding him?” he adds, smiling roguishly at you and you roll your eyes as Alina and Anya approach, sun hats protecting them from the glaring sun. Alina, grocery bags in hand, waves. Anya, who’d been the one to shout, tucks her coin purse back into her bag before flashing you a great big smile.

Only fifteen and seventeen. You can barely recall what it’s like being that young anymore, but you’re grateful they didn’t spend it the way you did. They get to know beauty, and no limits at all. The former comes naturally, the latter is partially because Reiner spoils them rotten.

Alina picks a flower with velvety purple petals from a bouquet she cradles in her arm, extending it to you.

“For good luck,” she says. “And protection.” Your heart melts at her words and you pause for a moment, looking from the gorgeous bloom to Reiner, occupied with the boy in his arms making silly faces at him. Then, without another moment, you sneak the flower behind his ear and he reaches up immediately to hold it against his head, turning to you in surprise. 

“To protect the both of us,” you explain.

“Thank you. I’ll be extra careful now.” He looks at the girls, setting his free hand on Alina’s head heavily and she flushes, smiling grandly. “You three behave while we’re gone, alright?”

You nod. “Listen to Levi.” 

“And listen to your sister,” Reiner adds to Alina and Xavier. The former rolls her eyes, the latter sticks out his tongue. “I’ll miss you.”

This is their home—their family that tumbles together into a huge hug, and you can’t help but stand back, watching how they all seem to merge into one unit, unaware of where one part of their reach ends and another begins.

As Reiner pulls you into the hug, your heart soars through your body, effortlessly pounding in your throat and in your fingers and everywhere at once. Liquid heat pools everywhere as Xavier screws up his face when you kiss his cheek, the same way Reiner does after he’s eaten something sour.

And maybe it’s a bit different, or a bit broken, the shards of their bloody history still poking at their heels whenever they think you’ve forgotten them, and it’s most definitely not perfect, but you would rather have it like this then anything else.

“Hey, guys!” Breaking apart, the family look over to see Armin, Annie, and Pieck walking over. Gabi and Falco meander a little bit behind, pushing Levi in his wheelchair, and Jean and Connie are running not far behind them, shouting at one another. You stifle a laugh and Xavier shimmies out of Reiner’s hold to run towards them. The girls follow after him, trying to hold back their runs but the closer they get, you can tell the more frantic they are to say goodbye.

So this is what they’ve made a peace. Something, you hope, is good.

Annie bypasses them quickly, making her way over to you and you survey her face as Reiner squeezes your shoulder, walking over to their friends. Her blue eyes are fixed on your face, and you feel your lips curving into a smile as she shoves her hands in her pockets. Her hair is swaying in the wind, gleaming flaxen, and you remind yourself, not for the first time, that Armin and Annie’s kids, if they ever decide they want them, will be gorgeous.

Hope for the future, and all that.

She stops in front of you, tucking a strand behind her ear.

“So,” she says at length, “we’re going back to Paradis. I’m surprised you decided to come with us. You don’t owe any of us anything.”

“I know. But… you’re my best friend. You do the talking, I fly the getaway plane, right?”

“Yeah. There used to be a time when it probably would’ve been the opposite.”

You nod, and they stand in silence for a moment, watching each other. Two women who should not have been friends, but were against all odds. You don’t think you would be here today if it weren’t for Annie.

Your heart lurches and you take a step forward just as she does, her mouth open to say something. You throw your arms around her and she lets out a noise in surprise as you close your eyes. Arms coming underneath yours, her hands dig into your shoulders and you smile against soft hair as she sighs, easing into your hug.

“Finally working together on an actual assignment,” you mumble and her head tilts as her small frame shifts, a hand patting you on the back as a sign for you to back up. “Just like we always said we would.” 

Bluntly: “Just don’t do anything stupid.”

“You, too.” Pulling back, the two look at one another for another soft moment before you remember the bag in your hand and you shift the bun up in the bag, extending it towards her. “Want some?” Her eyebrows rise in faint delight, before she’s reaching over, pinching and tearing a piece off. 

You grin and do the same and you gesture for her to come stand by the rails with you, stuffing the bag into your coat pocket. Leaning against the warm metal again, you hear a seagull call. The plane you’ll be flying to Paradis floats on the water, the technicians giving it the final check before you take off.

If anything goes wrong while you help prepare and oversee accommodations for the rest of the ambassador group, you’ll remember to fire the black signal flare, but you trust Historia. You trust your friends.

You glance over at them, all laughing, and you notice that the flower has gone from Reiner to Pieck, who’s taking it out of her dark hair to tuck it into Jean’s, and his cheeks redden as he brushes it more securely behind his ear.

Annie catches your attention again, pointing out idly that they’ll have to separate soon when they finish with the plane, and you tell her to just wait a couple minutes more as Reiner catches your gaze. Setting Xav, who has somehow wormed his way back into his arms, down, he walks back over to you, and his hand trails purposefully over your back before resting at the nape of your neck, a reassuring weight on your body.

“You guys okay?”

“We’re fine,” Annie replies. “You have a clingy boyfriend,” she tells you. 

“I think it’s charming.”

She rolls her eyes. Reiner smiles, and you pat the railing beside you—silent invitation. He leans in on your other side, clasping his hands and watching the fishermen pull themselves to shore, singing a tune to each other—one familiar to all three of them and one that you wish you could get out of your head. 

“Soon may the Wellerman come…”

A faint breeze tickling at your fingertips as a sharp call for embarkment splits the harbour, you simply sigh and look over at Reiner. “I just want these last few moments to last.” His eyes meet yours, and he leans forward to press a kiss between your eyes. Annie lets out a soft noise of disgust and you bump your hip against her as Reiner pulls back.

Closing your eyes and lifting your head to the wind, you can almost imagine the one person missing standing on the other side of Annie, dark hair like spun, stained bronze and eyes like warm chocolate. He’d smile and tell them not to worry in that sincere way of his that makes you believe every word he says—as long as they were careful, they wouldn’t walk into any traps.

Your chest aches, and your lips tug into a heart-wrenching smile as you begin to sing along. Reiner slips a hand in between yours, pressing his temple against your head and you loop your other arm through Annie’s.

She rests her head on your shoulder, listening to your voice, eyes on the sailors bringing in their haul below them. Reiner hums the shanty softly, distractedly, eyes cast across the sea.

You tilt your head up to the sky, at the stars you cannot see but will join one day, and smile.

[hazydaaze]

i just read your article about kate and jo and i dont think i couldve put it better myself. ive been thinking it through and honestly come to the conclusion that jed just..isn't that great at writing women (or just somehow forgot for this season bc lindsay denton and even roz huntley were compelling female characters). if you look at every single female character this season, they were all kind of criminally underdeveloped- chloe served as no more than a plot device, as did farida, patty c came in all guns blazing and then..did nothing, and even jo's storyline fizzled out after her interview. kinda seems to me looking back that he often starts semi-emotional plots for kate (which lets be honest has always just been the one note plotline about her husband and son) and then abandons them to focus on some irrelevant aspect of steve's life instead. she arguably had the most interesting emotional storyline this season with her connection to jo, but seems like steve's painkillers were more emotional to jed!

I read this comment aloud to my girlfriend last night and we had a long, really interesting conversation about Jed Mercurio's treatment of female characters :) :) thank you so much for your words!

You are SO right. Jed creates compelling female characters, yet fails to arrest them emotionally in any way, so they float and then eventually sink under another unnecessary and pointless storyline. This happens to basically all of the female characters you mentioned, in some way or another - they just fade into the background. So much wasted potential gone, so under-utilised.

Chloe was an actual WOLF. A pure leader of the pack and a diamond. She was so motivated, so clinical, she always hit the mark and delivered the goods. She could've soared. They brought up this Christopher Thompson case which could've tackled institutionalised racism, and it didn't go anywhere. What was the significance of showing the case, revealing the faces of those 5 white boy thugs, if they were going to drop it straight after? It would’ve been pretty special to see Chloe step up and lead the way on this case, being one of the few black women on the show. She stood in perfect contrast to Steve this season - when he was hitting ignore on his emails from occupational health and looking HAGGARD trying to chat up Steph in Merseyside, Chloe single-handedly cracked a ten-year long case. And yet Jed had the audacity to include a scene of Steve and Kate at the pub clinking their pints like, "well done mate." FOR WHAT? IT WAS ALL CHLOE. YOU DID NOTHING.

Without being too controversial I have always found Steve's character to be overwhelmingly one-dimensional. We never get to see his emotions, really. He is canonically boring. I don't care if he has a bad back - if that is the extent of his storyline (which it basically was) and it doesn't lead to a big reveal in the Fourth Man case, why should I care? The female characters are all like bright spitting fireworks in comparison to him. He needs those jazzy waistcoats to spice him up, and even that doesn't really work. (Sorry to Steve fans.)

I also 100% agree about Farida Jatri. She served as a plot storyline only and then dropped her pronto. It would've been interesting to hear what her thoughts were about getting set up by Jo. What's she going on to do next? What was she referring to when she said 'you don't know what she's capable of?' What about all the other women that work in AC-12?

For queer women particularly, Jed clearly doesn’t know what to do with them. The palpable queer dynamic between Kate and Jo could not have been handled any worse. Not only did he disregard their goodbye + any connection HE HIMSELF had embedded into their storyline in the finale, he also tainted Kate’s character by insinuating that she was capable of manipulating Jo when she was clearly emotionally and physically vulnerable (at risk of being killed), and she was constantly dealing with past trauma. We see Kate act this way with Gates in series 1, but it hits differently this time, given that Jo is the show’s first guest star who is a lesbian, the implications have far more wide reaching impact on our representation - it’s cruel and it was so unnecessary. Honestly what was the point?

The fact that hurts the most about all of this is no one from the Line of Duty cast and crew is talking about why they did this. They don't even realise how wrong it is?

[gayregis]

tbh as a polish person genuinely vibing with any kind of mostly english speaking witcher fandom is kinda hard bc theres just. so many small mistakes and just a feeling of Wrongness in the translation that couldve been fully avoided? like using womanizer instead of whoremonger for dandelion or saying comrade instead of friend etc and like im mad bc with some more effort it couldve been done way better and actually carried over more of the og atmosphere for international readers And It Didnt

i agree with you from the ‘can only read the english translations’ side. i feel like definitely the official UK translations shifted a lot of the meanings, of course i do not know how it is in every single scene, but from the lengthy posts i’ve read on reddit, some posts i’ve read on tumblr, and conversations i’ve had with mutuals over discord, plus just generally reading the books and saying to myself “wait, this doesn’t sound... cohesive?” i agree that are are a lot of changes that shift the perspective. 

one part of this is the deliberate mistranslation of general vocabulary used with the intention (i think) to give a more “medieval-ish fantasy” vibe to the work. i feel like david and danusia really went for some british slang that gives it a more “english medieval” feel (or at least, how medieval england is conceived of in the modern english-speaking imagination), when more widely-known words without such specific connotations (for the speaker and for the subject) would be more appropriate. 

for example, i have heard that a lot of the translations of “maiden” or “wench” are more akin to “girl/woman” in the original text. another example is “comely lad” VS “pretty boy,” two translations (the former official, the latter fan-translated) that mean the same thing essentially but the former one is “brit-ified” (to me, at least). and i know that sometimes the translators chose specific words to keep a “peasant-speak” vibe with the usage of specific language, for example, with milva, but instead of being confined to peasantry, it extends across a lot of characters. 

another part is figures of speech that don’t translate over due to being polish-specific idioms, or being reliant on the polish grammar structure. imo the translators are too eager to replace these with english figures of speech/idioms. a lot of the time when polish fans have pointed this out and said, this is different in the original text, the original idiom is so-and-so, which basically means this-and-this, i am able to understand the translated idiom, when it is in context. 

for example, i believe that in the english version of baptism of fire dandelion says to regis, “was it just you and your shadow?” and regis replies, “worse, i don’t even cast one.” but in the original text, the exchange goes something more like “were you drinking to the mirror?” “worse, i don’t even show up in mirrors.” the idiom “drinking to the mirror” meaning drinking alone does not exist in english, but it would have been at least a little obvious to me as a reader what the meaning of the idiom is. i suppose it is up to preference, but i would prefer to have the original figures of speech kept intact, with a little footnote at the bottom included for explaining context / what its meaning is.

another part is cultural references and history that end up getting lost. references to other works, etc. 

an example is in the edge of the world when torque says “good night” at the end to geralt and dandelion. without knowing the phrase, “where the devil says goodnight,” this is completely meaningless. and context about polish/broader european history is mostly also lost on a non-polish audience, because it is not something that is basic knowledge.

it doesn’t just extend to polish references, for example, regis quotes cicero quoting one of the seven sages, “omnia mea mecum porto,” basically “all that’s mine i carry with me,” which ig is a nod to how regis is a philosopher and lives simply, is a humanist, etc.

and this isn’t even beginning to touch all of the arthurian stuff he put in there.

mostly, i end up being clueless because i do not know what the original text was, and i know that if i could see the original text, i would not understand it and would need it explained to me. 

i guess a positive side of this is that i like uncovering what was originally said and hearing it explained, scouring the internet for someone who has addressed a specific passage or something... it helps foster some conversation, kind of like two kids comparing christmas presents - what’s in your translation? what’s in your translation? what’s in the original text? - it is fun to see everyone start posting pictures and screenshots of their books, like trying to unravel a mystery as a group, and i enjoy that, especially when there are more international translations than just polish original and english translation, i like seeing the czech, russian, spanish, french translations and then learning things from these languages/cultures/countries because they showed up in the text.

on the other hand, it hinders discussion because if people are operating on different translations, they will have widely different perspectives of the characters based upon what the characters said or how they were described. you are not the only person i’ve heard express this sentiment, and agreed that it’s difficult to “genuinely vibe” across language barriers regarding the series. polish geralt is a totally different character from english geralt, from what i’ve heard, to summarize it.

and even if you do research as an english-speaking person to find out the mistranslations, the meanings behind certain phrases or references, etc., you still will probably never understand it fully, nor will you uncover everything there is to uncover. 

i dislike leaving it like this, but it kind of “is what it is” with the language barriers and translations. a lot of the original atmosphere wasn’t and possibly will never be fully translated over (in some cases, it may be impossible). i would say don’t feel like you “have” to engage with every fan of the witcher books, if you feel you don’t vibe with english speaking witcher fandom that is okay and i hope that no one would judge you for it, everyone should hang out and talk with who they want to hang out and talk with. but i also get the disappointment because you want to connect, but there is just a lack of understanding. it shouldn’t be the burden to fall on you to be like, hey guys actually in the original text this scene is different / you’re misinterpreting this-- but if you ever want to say or make posts like this, i think this would be great and a contribution to the community. i would also say idk if it is possible if the interpretations are extremely different, but some broader themes like family, love, humanity, etc. imo do join the fans of the books in some way or another, big or small, despite how wonky the translations get. and finally, i want to say i am not here to give advice or consolation, because i certanly don’t know what can be done about this, i just want to respond to this and say that you’re not alone.

[hwajin]

disclaimers: this is f!reader angst, expect nothing from me i have bad grammar and im mentally drained. tnx -lorelei/🥟

* minho made an update as i was writing.

心做し (224) ft. 이민호

day 1

to say the least, you were annoyed. too annoyed at the fact you couldn't concentrate in the first day of class. "you should really talk it out with him." jeongin said at you with a concerned look. "i'm not angry i just, hate being second all the time. c'mon ayen, you know that since the first day we became friends."

you were once y/n, the transferee girl. you sat beside jeongin on your first day, who thought you looked cute on your first day.

coincidentally, you liked his friend. a senior who was named minho. assuring to yourself and jeongin that it was nothing more than a crush was the hardest part. being drunk at a party and confessing to him had become what you quote "the best thing i've ever did".

after class ended, you decided to stick with jeongin who became class president and now is tasked to clean the classroom. why were you there? you really trusted him, a lot and as a friend.

"hyung!" jeongin called out to your supposed boyfriend who was walking toward your classroom.

"y/n-ah, bubs, cutie" he said, ignoring the male and rushing to give you a warm hug. "if you feel less, remember i love you so much. today tomorrow forever, remember?" he told you and you just stood there, uncertain how to react.

"y/n you should go home, i'll be waiting for seungmin too." jeongin said with a warm smile, looking at your annoyed face that contrasts minho's neutral face.

for some reason, you and minho walked home not even talking. "i'm-" "please dont remind me again." you coldly said. "i'll make it up to you. iced coffee?" he asked as you shrugged, thinking of your answer but your heart said yes after a second he asked the question.

"i'm super sorry i've been insecure." you muttered while intertwining both your arms. "no big deal. remember that she's a friend." he said as he rubbed your fingers.

you've never really been anyone's first choice, in middle school you never really had a permanent set of friends that treated you like a friend. you were always rejected and your parents never really cared for you as much as other parents do. you knew you grew up quickly, and you're trying to fix yourself as much as you can.

"oh look, the theme park is open today." he said, pointing outside to the moving ferris wheel. "come on, we are fixing the blue, making it color yellow." he said while dragging you outside the coffee shop as you silently drink your coffee.

he put your bangs down slightly, smiling at what he did and ruffles your hair softly. "my y/n is so cute. she's pretty, nice and she is the first person in my mind. "

"minho?" there she was, the girl you hate the most. minho's first love. his family loves her that sometimes you get compared to her. you knew of her existence, unsure if she knew yours though. "ah this must be your new girlfriend!"

noticing your uneasy gazes, minho spoke up. "hi, yeah and we're leaving." he said. "i really don't know where the entrance is, can i come with you? i'm meeting up with my friends." she pouted as you nodded.

"yeah, you're y/n, super cute. minho and you were together since last year? congrats!" she asked and minho was the one to answer. "yeah, here's the entrance to the theme park." he scoffed and held your hand tighter while you walked towards the ferris wheel.

day 2

the next day, you had to bring it up to jeongin and seungmin, people you trusted the most. "yeah its kinda like in a teasing way, i absolutely hate it. its like she wants to punch me in the face and move me out of her way!"

"oh my god, never be a punch bag you can move around." jeongin said. "i'm not a punchbag!" you said in an enthusiasic tone "Y/N ISNT A PUNCHBAG." seungmin accidentally said too loudly, causing the librarian to look and he bowed his head to say sorry. "my bad." he said and the three of you laughed quietly.

day 94

and, you knew it was coming.

after months, she always found a way to be closer to him. after all, she did know him better. while losing time for you, he remembered all the points on why she was his first love after all.

"minho... please dont hurt me anymore mentally. if you want to break up with me, im sorry. i dont know. i just feel too conflicted. i... hate this so much. i want to die. " was the first words you said as he opened up to your door. "i love you y/n." "its always i love you y/n, i love you y/n, fuck do you even mean them?! words aint enough, atleast spend some time with me. i... absolutely hate this."

collapsing to his arms, he felt his tears rushing down his cheeks. "i never knew you felt like that." he said as he caressed your hair. "now you know." you said, as he kissed your tears away. "can we move somewhere else?" he asked, talking about the awkward position you have on the doorway that made you smile.

day 156

"wow, it's snowing!" you said as you tugged minho's arm. "babe, please pay attention to me." you say to your boyfriend over and over again, who has been focusing on his project. you knew it was hard for him, but it was a sunday. and it was a group project. "you done your part yesterday-" "let me finish this first." he said with a scary tone, realizing what he said he decided to let it be for a few moments.

why am i being like this? he asked himself, looking at his girlfriend. his girlfriend, he reminded himself. perhaps he forgot? is his first love comig back to his life?

day 183

"and... thats what i knew. " you said over and over again. "y/n..." "stop messing around with me! you knew i couldve told hwang hyunjin from class c that! i couldve told your friend jisung, i had a crush on them too, but i chose you, and i never regretted it for, one and a half year. you dont even remember our anniversary? could you just ever..." you said, walking away.

"but i wasn't your first choice either." he spit out, and that made you get very angry. "what about now? who is your first choice now, my first choice now would be you. after that day i confessed it became you, i didnt even force myself to. it was because, you were minho i loved. can i... get him back. but fuck no, you played me." you said, and he breathed in and out.

after hours of silence, you left your phone, he noticed. opening the chats and backreading everything, that was the time where indeed he was wrong, he was wrong in all aspects. he never says sorry, its always her. and his phone rang, it was the girl again. he felt a jolt in his heart reading her name, butterflies in his stomach, but he knew there was y/n.

"ah fuck, this is all my fault."

day 192

a week or so since you havent gone to school, thats when you realized your mom cared and told you advice, went online shopping with you. its just that you always view everything negatively.

"someone wants to see you." she said, you hoped it was minho who would tell you sorry.

"y/n... its jeongin and seungmin. i have notes here compiled, even though im from another class. jeongin has english here, are you fine? " they asked while you explained everything.

day 194

deciding to go to school although minho was there was a bad thing. the day consisted of you being mentally unstable, and that wasnt the cherry on top.

"why are you here?" you said once you went out the school campus. "because, i want to. iced coffee?" again, blindly saying yes.

day 200

if you love her, dont be nice anymore. chanted in your head, but cant be said.

" why are you so nice, i know you've fallen out of love. " and he smiled as he looked again at the movie.

"minho. please, give me closure. stop being nice. treat me like a servant. swear at me. tell me im a bitch, whore, i dont know degrade me! please leave my heart alone, i cant cry anymore."

and so he thought for a moment, i cant do that.

day 210

holding you close again while you violently react, he caressed your face softly. tracing each feature and wiping your tears.

screaming, crying, like the storm. but he still held you up, like how he does to you everytime. "it's fine now."

day 224

"if i had a hole in my heart, how do i fix it?" she asked him, the man who she hasnt talked to in 2 weeks. "you've known what it is." he replied subtly.

"its not today tomorrow forever anymore huh. two day, two morrow and four ever. and its feb 24. fucking want to collapse or you just hit me and degrade me like what i said." and you watched him shake his head. "you cant split a heart into two and think it would still work, cant you?"

"but, you can break one into pieces and then they'd pretend its fine." she says with a bitter smile. "please be happy." and those words, those simple words were the confirmation. it was such a bitersweet love, everyone finds their way out of this somehow.

oof wait a minute i gotta read this later I DON'T HAVE TIME RN BUT EVERYONE GO READ

[twink-frank]

🩸 🎸 🧛🏿‍♂️

& 🔮 what are lyrics from anything mcr/mcr adjacent that you think genuinely helped you/saved you/just made you feel a little less alone in your struggles, if you have any

Thank you nathan <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

🩸: do you have a memory associated to the first time you listened to each of the mcr albums? Not really? usually whenever i listen to an album in full i just kinda sit down and do it. and its been so long since i heard any of their songs or albums for the first time that those memories are nothing but blurs. 🎸: what’s your favorite song by ray toro? Oooogghhh can i say the entire remember the laughter album? its literally such a masterpiece and the fact that ray produced the whole thing himself with almost no help just makes it that much better. ray toro is in fact a musical genius and his compositions make my fucking monkey brain go oohh aahhhh and i feel like he deserves way more recognition than he gets, 🧛🏿‍♂️ : what’s the most rewarding thing for you about being an mcr fan? (finding friends, experiencing shows, etc.) i’ve been into mcr since i was like 8 years old, and ever since then its always been about the community for me. i heard their songs when i was a young kid being bullied and harassed and found out that i wasnt alone through their music. like the messages they put out i intensely connected with. and i think that was their intention, to let people who were a little fucked up know that its Okay to be a little fucked up.

🔮 : question of the anons choosing im gonna stick to mcr lyrics that helped me and made me feel a lil less alone bc if i went into mcr adjacent things we would literally be here all day.

I went a lil crazy so my answer is under the read more <3

“The boys and girls in the clique / the awful names that they stick / you’re never gonna fit in much kid / but if you’re troubled and hurt / what you got under your shirt / will make them pay for the things that they did.” ~ Teenagers

“Back home, off the run / signing songs that make you slit your wrists / it isnt that much fun, staring down a loaded gun.” ~ Cemetery Drive

“But nobody cares if you’re losing yourself / am i losing myself? / Well i miss my mom! will they give me the chair? or lethal injection or swing from a rope if you dare? / ah nobody knows, all the trouble i’ve seen.” ~ Prison

“Well mother what the war did to my legs and to my tongue / you should’ve raised a baby girl, i shouldve been a better son / if you could coddle the infection they can amputate at once / you should’ve been, i couldve been a better son.” ~ Mama

“She said, You ain’t no son of mine / For what you’ve done they’re gonna find / a place for you and just you mind your manners when you go / and when you go don’t return to me, my love.” ~ Mama

“Do or die you’ll never make me / Because the world will never take my heart / Go and try, you’ll never break me / We want it all, we wanna play this part / I won’t explain or say i’m sorry / i’m unashamed, i’m gonna show my scars / Give a cheer for all the broken / listen here, because it’s who we are / I’m just a man, i’m not a hero / just a boy, who had to sing this song / i’m just a man, i’m not a hero / I don’t care.” ~ WTBP

“I see you lying next to me / With words i thought i’d never speak / awake and unafraid, asleep or dead.” ~ FLW

“I am not afraid to keep on living / I am not afraid to walk this world alone.” ~ FLW

“Preach all you want, but who’s gonna save me? / I keep a gun on the book you gave me / Hallelujah lock and load. / Black is the kiss, the touch of the serpent son. / It ain’t the mark or the scar that makes you one, and one, and one.” ~ Venom

“Trust, you said / who put the words in your head? / Oh, how wrong we were to think / that immortality meant never dying.” ~ sorrows

“And now, the red ones make me fly and the blue ones help me fall / And I think i’ll blow my brains against the ceiling. / And as the fragments of my skull begin to fall / fall on your tongue like pixie dust, just think happy thoughts.” ~ Headfirst

“And in this moment, we can’t close the lids on burning eyes / our memories blanket us, with friends w know, like fallout vapors / steel corpses stretched out towards an ending sun / Scorched in black, it reaches in and tears your flesh apart / as ice cold hands rip into your heart. / thats if you’ve still got one thats left / inside that cave you call a chest / And after seeing what we saw / can we still reclaim our innocence? / And if the world needs something better / lets give them one more reason now.” ~ Skylines

“Sometimes I think I’ll die alone, I’d think I’d love to die alone / Just take me down / Just take me down / I think I’d love to die alone.” ~ Cubicles 

“As lead rains, will pass on through / Our phantoms forever / Like scarecrows that fuel this flame / We’re burning forever and ever / Know how much I want to show you / You’re the only one / Like a bed of roses / there’s a dozen reasons in this gun.” ~ Demo Lovers

“I’m sick, down from the bones to the other side / Red-mob we insects hide / King rat on the streets in another life / they laugh we don’t think it’s funny / If what you are / is just what you own / what have you become / when  they take from you almost everything?” ~ Destroya

[shhh-no-ones-home]

knock out def leppard x reader

+++++++++

mentions of being drugged, dr drugs, and uncomfortable situations. read at your own risk though it isnt fairly aggressive, but i know some people can be triggered by experiences like this. Note: *nothing is consumed and the guys aren't the perps*

Song: no control by set it off

tag list: @cynic-spirit @lifeisabitchandsoareyou

+++++++++

I stepped into the bar behind Steve and smiled to myself. It had been a while since I'd been home, touring in Europe and what not for the better part of four months, and finally coming back to the states. It was just the way I left it and the bar tender greeted me with a warm smile.

"Haven't seen ya in a while babe, how's it been?"

She asked politely, beginning to mix my usual. I looked back at the group of men I had entered with, the five of them now surrounding the pool table.

"It's been very busy."

I said, looking back at her. She nodded.

"And the group of guys you came flocked with?"

She asked, a small smirk playing on her lips as she set my drink down. I laughed a little to myself.

"The band I work with."

She made an o shape with her mouth as she got to work on someone else's order.

"They any good?"

She asked and I nodded.

"Better than anything you've ever heard."

I said matter-of-factly and she grinned.

"What's their name?"

I took a sip of my drink.

"You heard of def Leppard?"

She side nodded.

"Here and there but I'll take your word for it."

I laughed a little bit, looking to the man who sat beside me for a spilt second.

"If you ever get a chance to get that old radio working again tune into the rock stations around town. I'm sure they'll be broadcasting their stuff."

I said nothing the broken box radio behind the bar. She nodded at me as she got the man his drink.

"I'll definitely do that, I got someone offered one a few days ago. Pretty soon I'll have a new one, from RadioShack no less."

I laughed a little bit, taking another sip and setting my glass back down, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Fancy radio for a fancy bar like this?"

She chuckled at me, shaking her head.

"And a classy lady like myself?"

I leaned forward against the bar.

"No less."

I said, grinning widely.

"Aw fuck off mate."

I hard from behind me, his words grabbing my attention instantly. I knew exactly who it was. I looked up confused to see Joe glaring down at a stocky man with dark hair, he was the man that had just been sitting beside me.

"And What's your problem?"

He said back in a thick accent I couldn't quite place, puffing his chest at Joe.

"Putting pills in a ladies drink is no way to get her attention."

Sav said, walking up behind him, making him turn around. My eyes went wide, looking down at the glass to my side and noticing a film of powder making its way to top of the ice. I frowned. Sarah, the bar tender, looked down in to it before picking it up.

"I didn't put anything in her drink."

He said, sending me a wicked glare. By now all the guys were surrounding him.

"Drink it then."

She said sternly, holding it out to him. He shook his head, backing away into Phil. Phil held the man's arms tightly before pushing him forward.

"Why not mate? If there's nothing in it then you have nothing to worry about."

Phil said loudly. By now the other bar patrons were beginning to look over at us. I watched Joe cross his arms over his chest, looking down at the man sternly. I was getting more uncomfortable as he was pushed closer to me as well as the bar. Sarah set the drink down and slid it to him.

"Hell no."

He said, wiggling out of phils grasp and turning to punch him square in the nose.

"Fuck!"

Phil said, stumbling back. Joe grabbed the man before he could get away, having his arms locked behind his back. He struggled against him, huffing in defeat.

"And where do you think you're going?"

He said through gritted teeth, moving with him as the man jerked again.

"Away from you lot. Let go of me you psycho!"

He protested trying to free himself again.

"Ma'am would you mind calling the coopers?"

Rick said, now standing at my side with his hand on my shoulder.

"Already done fellas."

A man across the bar said.

"They're on their way."

I nodded to him.

"Thanks."

Joe walked the man to the bar and pushed him into the stool, making him sit, and holding him firmly there.

"Could I trouble you for a pint love?"

He asked Sarah, pushing my now undrinkable cocktail in front of the man.

"You can put it on his tab."

He said condescendingly, looking down at the shame-ridden man. The rest of the guys surrounding him to make sure he wouldn't go anywhere. Rick took my hand, nodding to the side and walking with me to a corner booth.

"You okay?"

He asked, pushing his hair out of his face. I shrugged.

"I don't know yet. I'm thinking now if it was there before or after I took a drink and that's sort of fucking me up. Like I don't feel weird or anything yet so I guess that's good."

He grabbed my hand in his and ran his thumb over it gently.

"We could go with you to the medics and see if there's anything in your system."

He offered. I just shook my head.

"No, I think I really just wanna head back to the hotel."

He nodded. That's when we heard the bell at the door ring, an officer walking in.

"I got a call about a disturbance?"

He asked, walking to the bar.

"Yeah, this prick tried to drug our friend."

Phil said angrily.

"And decked him."

Steve pointed out, the bit of dried blood under Phil's nose being fairly noticeable.

"Do you have proof?"

He asked, propping his hands on his waist. I was a little mad at that, but Rick stopped me before I could get up to tell him what I really thought of the situation.

"Yeah, this bullshit."

Sav said, pushing the cocktail to the cop. He looked down into it before picking it up and sniffing it.

"We all watched him do it."

Joe protested as he set the drink back down.

"Where you boys from?"

The officer asked and Joe just rolled his eyes.

"Across the pond sir."

I said firmly, standing and walking to them angrily.

"I've lived here my whole life officer, Dalton."

I said noting his name badge.

"They're with me. I've never had a problem like this until now. I'm just glad they caught him before I could drink whatever it is this man tried to drug me with."

I said sternly. The man just smirked to himself.

"He won't even drink it himself."

I pointed out.

"I can't do much other than take it in for testing. I can arrest him now on an assault charge for punching your friend but until the tests come back i can't do more."

I nodded.

"I'd feel safer knowing he wouldn't be able to do it to any other girls officer. Please. Whatever you can do."

He nodded, side stepping joe and cuffing the man.

"my partner will be back for the evidence."

He said, lifting the man off the stool and started walking with him

"Alright son, you have the right to remain silent..."

He started, reading him the rest of his rights as they made their way outside. Joe sat and sighed, finishing off the pint he'd asked for. I was surprised he'd drank it that fast.

"I'm so sorry Sarah."

I said, leaning into the bar.

"You have nothing to be sorry about darlin' if anything you should be out there demanding an apology from that Jack ass."

I laughed a little bit, tracing the wood outline of the lacquered bar top.

"im just thankful you guys caught him before someone got hurt."

joe looked at me like i was crazy.

"someone? hell y/n you couldve gotten hurt. he tried to drug you!"

he pointed out. all our heads turned as the officers partner came in with a container.

"this it?"

he asked and we all nodded as he picked up the whole glass and set it inside.

"are you the one who he tried to drug?"

he asked me and i nodded reluctantly.

"ill have to ask you some questions."

i sighed heavily.

"okay, i just want to get this over with but i didnt see what happened, they did."

he looked around at the guys.

"if i could get a statement from all of you that would be a big help."

they all nodded.

"whatever you need."

steve said, stepping in before any of them could say anything else.

"meet me outside?"

the officer asked and i nodded.

"well be right out, thanks."

i turned back to sarah as the man walked out.

"thanks again."

i handed her a twenty dollar bill and motioned for the guys to follow me. they all did so, walking to the door and out to the cop car where the man was sitting uncomfortably in the back. i just wanted this over with so i could go back to the hotel and relax. needless to say i wouldnt be drinking out for a while unless it was my own drink that i made and had a hand on, never once letting it out of my sight. and i think the boys could say the same.

[clumsyclifford]

This is a Big Boy so I'm just sending you one number for now. 22. Go crazy. Also I love you -Alex

oh my gosh.....okay. i dont know if this was the intention of the ask, but i am CHOOSING to interpret it as ten songs from each of my ten favorite bands, for a total of 100 songs. this is my blog and i do what i like. so here we go:

22: list 10 favourite songs by your top 10 bands (each).

i’ll put it under the cut because i am not a Monster. DISCLAIMER: this is (by and large) not a definitive ranking of (a) my favorite artists or (b) my favorites of their songs. the top few will be the actual top few but after that there’s not really an order i cannot make those kinds of decisions

also i’m going to pretend it says bands and artists, because i don’t want to exclude solo artists from this list

some random music asks!!

1. All Time Low (ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh struggling already)

Getaway Green (duh quelle surprise)

Vegas (duh part 2)

A Daydream Away (duh part 3)

Holly (Would You Turn Me On?)

Dear Maria, Count Me In

Don’t You Go

Everything Is Fine

Good Times

Damned If I Do Ya (Damned If I Don’t) but specifically from ISNP

Lost In Stereo but specifically from straight to dvd 2

2. 5 Seconds Of Summer (struggle part two!!!!!)

Lie To Me (shocking)

If You Don’t Know (again. shocking)

Story Of Another Us

Long Way Home

Vapor

Why Won’t You Love Me

San Francisco

specifically Valentine - Live

The Girl Who Cried Wolf

Thin White Lies and Empty Wallets tied

3. One Direction (im genuinely not positive i have ten favorite songs but i will try)

Long Way Down

Magic

Better Than Words

Midnight Memories

Why Don’t We Go There

Diana

Na Na Na

Rock Me

Don’t Forget Where You Belong

a tie between Wolves and History

4. The Vamps (ive actually never thought about my favorite vamps songs so this will be fun and interesting)

in no particular order:

Coming Home

Cheater OR Cheater Live From The O2, i love them equally for different reasons

Be With You

Paper Hearts

Time Is Not On Our Side

Missing You

All The Lies (acoustic)

If I Was Your Man

Bitter

Kiss

5. AJR

Turning Out

Next Up Forever

 Don’t Throw Out My Legos

Dear Winter

Turning Out Pt. ii

Livin’ On Love

Growing Old on Bleecker Street

Three-Thirty

Break My Face

Weak and 100 Bad Days tied also i just HAVE to say the overtures. especially the click overture. okay i know that’s three songs in one but whatever

6. Taylor Swift (can you tell i like her new stuff better fhkhgjdfshmklj)

New Year’s Day

All Too Well

the 1

Death By A Thousand Cuts

the lakes - long pond studio session (yes this one specifically)

The Best Day

You Are In Love

Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince

invisible string

Paper Rings

7. Noah Kahan (these opinions change regularly so check back in a month or two lmao)

Tidal

Maine

Glue Myself Shut

Busyhead

Young Blood

Please

Pride

Close Behind

Sink

Passenger

8. Tonight Alive (disclaimer i’ve not yet heard all of underworld also this will be heavily skewed in favor of the other side but :) it’s my blog!)

Say Please

You Don’t Owe Me Anything

The Fire

Thank You & Goodnight

Sure As Hell

Lonely Girl

Hell and Back

The Other Side

Looking For Heaven

Listening

9. Ed Sheeran (my love for him was recently rekindled <3)

in no particular order:

Take It Back

You Need Me, I Don’t Need You

New Man

Tenerife Sea

Bibia Be Ye Ye

What Do I Know?

One

English Rose

U.N.I.

Lego House? This? Autumn Leaves? one of those

10. blink-182 (first a disclaimer: i have Not listened to blink’s entire discography. i am nowhere close. BUT they are still, somehow, my 5th top artist, so i’m gonna go solely from songs that i know. which is quite a lot, just not, you know, Their Entire Back Catalogue)

Feeling This

I Miss You

I Really Wish I Hated You

Pin The Grenade

Roller Coaster

Hungover You

Rabbit Hole

Heaven

Dammit

First Date

i would like to give honorable mentions to simple creatures (who only have twelve songs so i can hardly pick ten) and whohurtyou (who only have. five songs) for being also among my favorite bands, and fletcher and the entirety of louis, niall, and harry’s solo careers. i couldve done niall but i already did 1d and i wanted to diversify :((

[flockofdoves]

going back and trying to unpack talking about middle school/high school “bullying” (not an adequate word but w/e) stuff is so complicated. really glad as i’ve grown older and evolved as a person i’ve more consciously realized the inner depths of other people and applied that to this context in recognizing how so many of my peers at that time were going through stuff too. and also i can’t center myself as the victim in everything when i definitely have moments i can think back to and feel so much regret for contributing to bigotry other peers faced even if i’d like to think i was never actively malicious or a total bystander compared to other people i and others were hurt by. and its good even if personally weird sometimes to see some of the people who contributed to that getting better and more compassionate politics. in some way all that makes it easier to not directly dwell on this stuff i dont directly think about high school much anymore, understanding some of those people and seeing how some of them have improved since does mean something to me. but its still weird because none of that really does anything to untangle how all that warped me through my life (thats not the only thing that contributed to stuff but its there tho) so i just kinda feel really numb about it. i started having memory problems with certain parts of high school literally even right before i graduated and i just never really feel like i want to try to dig in to that. its really alien to me the idea that some people live in a context where they can regularly interact with friends from high school (i love my best friend who went to my same hs i’d love to see her more dont get me wrong though) or be reminded of high school and not have it be a whole ordeal that automatically puts them back into a really weird space

i think maybe i’m proud of myself and the role i’ve played for others who’ve reached out to me throughout the years as to my knowledge the first kid to be openly lgbt in my grade back in middle school (and very gnc even before that), dealing with how people treated me for being autistic forever but even being open about that label once i was 15 onwards, and even if i had plenty of goofy (and way too argumentative lol) moments in being one of the few people i knew throughout high school who called themself a communist i’m glad i spoke up on a lot of those basic principles i still share as a communist who now knows much more than i did then but realizes i know much less than i’d like to

like yeah its kinda weird realizing stuff like one panic attack i had in the 8th grade from people saying homophobic stuff right behind my back as if i couldnt hear 2 out of 3 of the people involved in that conversation have since come out themselves, but i guess even if the compounded impact of all situations like that is still there i can be less hung up on that specific circumstance i still remember. we all had a lot we were being fed and a lot to work through and maybe my presence in the open then couldve helped them through that. even if not them specifically i know theres something to the people that have reached out to me both in those years and even years since i’ve been in that school environment asking for support or resources on lgbt stuff. and seeing people become leftists too feels really good, even if i feel i don’t have much to offer and i feel so humbled when people reach out to me about that stuff because i know i can’t ride off of being ahead of them in when i started calling myself a communist anymore i have so much more to learn so much i need to read i want to be so much more involved with organizing and learning in that process