#bg3 hell

[chaoticbardlady99]

I Took All This Love I Found and I Hope That it's Enough (Astarion x GN! reader)

Part 2 to “Yesterday I Was Dancing”

Author note- thank you for all the love on my last mental health fiction! I am so glad I could make so many people feel heard and loved during a difficult time :) WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS PEOPLE!!!!!!! Also I wrote this with my experience with CPTSD in mind and how my boyfriend is with me.

Title from the song “Only Love” by PVRIS

I leave you with this quote by Jamie Tworkowski:

“We’re all in this together. It’s okay to be honest. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to say you’re stuck, or that you’re haunted or that you can’t begin to let go. We can all relate to those things. Screw the stigma that says otherwise. Break the silence and break the cycle, for you are more than just your pain. You are not alone. And people need other people.”

I promise I tried to keep it as reader friendly as possible by keeping description to a minimum- please scroll with your mental health in mind. I don’t care that I’m telling you ‘not to’ and now you ‘want to’- save it for later and before therapy. Please call 988 if it becomes too much- the world still needs you.

CW: C/PTSD symptoms, physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, torture

Likes, comments, and reblogs are greatly appreciated :) thank you to all of you who have helped me find my love of writing again!

*picture is not mine and does not belong to me. Please reach out if it’s yours so I can give you credit.

Astarion knows what he’s feeling is not necessarily normal- he should not be this outrageously terrified that you are talking to your other companions around the fire.

Laughing. Joking. Touching.

You could have anyone you like and Astarion had managed to sweep you up first. In spite of telling Astarion you only want him (after he observed an interesting discussion between you and Gale), he knows eventually you’ll discover that Astarion is only good for one thing- sex. Astarion’s chest tightens at the thought and then he feels that wave of fear that sits and rots in the pit of his stomach.

You laugh brightly again.

I’m going to lose them.

Astarion’s recent onset of agitation and anxiety has become all consuming. It hasn’t been this bad since the beginning of your sordid adventure (sordid to him anyway). His paranoia- specifically towards you- had caused him to, in his opinion, act bizarrely.

While you had been in a brutal fight with the Githyanki earlier that week- Astarion had been cornered by the Inquistor and he froze- checked out, if you will. Unfortunately, Astarion has been checked out ever since and when he does check back in- Astarion feels terribly uncomfortable and like the world is caving in on him.

What’s making it all even worse is that Astarion just wants to talk to you about it and wants to ask to be held or have you gently play with his hair like you do. Anything to make this horrible disgusting feeling towards himself- his own skin- go away. If he could just feel loved for five minutes…

No, that is not the plan. The plan is NOT to depend on them for anything other than physical protection.

But honestly? He really could give a shit less about his ‘masterfully crafted’ plan.

Astarion feels desperately alone in the world right now and he needs you. Only he won’t bother you- Astarion wants you to want to be with him and that means he needs to show off his assets. You couldn’t possibly want him like this- a sniveling, fearful mess.

Astarion knows he’s been giving you emotional whiplash ever since the Creche. He’s been fighting every decision you make, breaking things when the urge arises (nothing valuable, just some plates he’s stolen), been so angry at you that you have cried 5 different times, begs you to forgive him, runs away from you, and then freezes all over again. Today is one of the first days he’s seen a genuine smile on your face all week.

Astarion had also kicked you out of his tent- his skin crawling from the nightmares plaguing his trances all week. He regretted it pretty much instantly, but didn’t know how to ask you to come back.

His lack of rationale is ruining his plan entirely.

The dreams- they are always about Cazador. How he’s tortured him; physically, emotionally, and sexually. Last night, Astarion relived one of the more recent times Cazador had brutually raped him and then proceeded to let a couple of his politician friends go at him too. Cazador wanted him to remember what he was- is- only good for because Astarion had neglected to bring home someone for the Vampire Lord to consume.

The other nights, he went back to being flayed, being buried alive for a year, and receiving the carvings in his back. Astarion always wakes up feeling small, alone, and terrified- completely paralyzed and stuck in his body.

Through it all, you have been nothing but kind to him. You have attempted to understand why Astarion has been acting this way and, because he’s his own worst enemy, the more you give to him- the more he pushes you away.

Now Astarion is facing the very reality he was trying to prevent by pushing you away- you leaving him for someone else. Halsin gives you light brushes with his fingers, Karlach bumps your knees together, Gale gives you adoring smiles, Lae’zel has given you her undivided attention, and Shadowheart whispers into your ear just a little too close.

You are a bright light in camp- everyone has immediately been taken by you and that’s actually probably the only thing this group agreed on for a while. Even Astarion has come to genuinely care about you and doesn’t want to share you with anyone else.

As everyone begins to go to their respective tents- you hesitate by the fire and look at him. Astarion feels shame course through his bones when he notices how nervous you are as you slightly shake and the weariness written all over your face. He had just been taking care of you- you had let him in, why can’t he let you?

Astarion smiles brightly and feels successful when you beam- practically skipping over to talk to him.

“Well hello, Darling,” he purrs, “to what do I owe the pleasure?”

You shift uncomfortably, “I just…. Astarion- are you okay? You’ve really not been yourself this week.”

Astarion feels every alarm bell in his body go off. He needs to save this quickly. Astarion can’t make you think he’s too much effort to be with or too much work. He doesn’t want you to realize that with as much pleasure as he can give you- he will never be someone you love long-term. He is far too messy. Astarion is a temporary camp for your heart right now and he needs to make sure it’s a long rest- despite how much he doesn’t really want to have sex right now. Astarion would actually prefer to be entangled with you and just talk- no sex, just intimacy.

How silly of him.

“My dear,” he says pulling you in close, his lips hovering over yours, “wouldn’t you rather we be doing something more… exciting with our mouths than talking? You are far too enticing for me to just talk to you right now.”

Astarion can tell from your eyes that you are frowning- he can fix this.

Astarion presses his lips to yours in a crushing, possessive kiss. He walks backwards into his tent, pulling you in by your hips, and pulls you down with him to the bed roll.

When you go to speak, Astarion flips you over on your back and begins kissing along your neck, grinding into you, and pressing your body down with his.

“Astarion,” you whisper.

He ignores you and keeps going.

“Astarion,” you say a little louder this time.

Astarion isn’t even in the building anymore- he’s fighting the walk down memory lane his brain wants to take. Whatever he needs to do to keep you near him. Astarion nips at the skin on your neck.

“Astarion!” You exclaim, gently pushing him off you causing him to jump back.

Astarion feels himself snap out of whatever dissociative prison that he was in and begins to have a surge of panic even worse than before. Now he misses that stupid, angry fog that’s been shielding him from whatever the hells this is!

“I’m sorry- I ruined it didn’t I? Fuck,” Astarion practically shouts, then begins rambling“ I’m so sorry Tav. I’ll do anything to make it up to you. I know I’ve been terrible and I don’t deserve your forgiveness or you but-“

A choked sob interrupts Astarion’s sentence. He’s crying now, the emotions are whirling around, bouncing from one side of his brain to another. Images of terrible experiences flashing by and he’s already imagining every worst case scenario. Maybe you’ll flay him? Or lay him back down and ride him until he’s begging for you to stop or until he can’t cry anymore? Bury him alive?

“Please be gentle,” Astarion sobs into his hands, trying to cover his shame while pleading with you, “just don’t leave me- I’m so sorry. I’ll never do it again- I’ll be better.”

Astarion curls in on himself, his head hiding between his knees. Astarion is mentally preparing for the first act of violence towards him tonight- he imagines there is more to come after.

“Oh my Star,” you sigh sadly, “I could never ever hurt you- emotionally, physically, and I certainly won’t allow you to hurt yourself by forcing yourself have sex with me.”

Astarion feels his mood switch in an instant- now he’s hostile, digging his hands into his calves.

He chuckles bitterly before looking at you with angry eyes, “so this is where you tell me you’re done right? I can’t do the one fucking thing I’m good for so now what? Gale more to your taste? Or what about Shadowheart- you were quite keen on letting her whisper in your ear all night. Better yet, I bet Halsin will fuck you until you are fucking screaming like the whore you are under the Gods damn stars!”

Astarion’s words feel like venom coating his throat. He hates himself right now- he doesn’t know why he is saying what he’s saying- why he’s so hostile. You are you- wonderful, amazing you! Why can’t he just tell you he’s struggling?

Your expression is unreadable and you are studying him- Astarion can see the gears going behind your head. He puts his head back into the crook of his legs- not wanting to witness you leave him once and for all.

“I love your voice,” you say quietly, “and the way you talk- despite how much the words being used are hurting me right now. I love how brilliant you are and you are single-handedly the funniest person I’ve ever met.”

Astarion is looking at you, tears threatening to spill again. The way you are smiling at him is insane- you should be institutionalized. You are looking at him as if he’s the sun, the moon, and all the stars. Maybe even the whole galaxy- if he’s actually this lucky.

“I have missed being around you so much this week,” you continue talking in a hushed, gentle tone, “but I know that this is not you and that you are really really scared. You must know though- my affection for you, my adoration- to hells with it- my feelings for you is not fragile- it is not conditional. I will not be withholding it from you or leaving you because you need time to heal. I will continue to be here- in whatever way you need me-for as long as you will have me.

“I like you a lot Astarion. I really do- it has never been about what you can do for me. You’re my favorite everything. You don’t ever have to return my feelings- we can just be friends if that’s all you ever want. I am not your Master, Astarion- and neither is Cazador. You are your own person.”

He feels overcome with emotion- relief, joy, shock. Astarion never thought he could care about someone this much- let alone have them reciprocate those affections. Astarion practically tackles you into a bone crushing hug- knocking you flat on the ground. He feels warm when a pleased giggle shakes your body. Astarion inhales deeply- your scent squashing every negative emotion he is feeling temporarily.

Astarion feels instant comfort when your arms wrap around his torso and you adjust so that his head is laying on your chest. You stroke and play with his hair absentmindedly in the way he’s been craving for the past several days.

Astarion lays there and just listens to your heartbeat. Every thump that echoes inside your body relieves some of the pressure in his chest. Astarion’s back and shoulders still feel tight with nerves and rage, his legs are taught and ready to run, but at least now he doesn’t feel like he’s dying. Again.

“I’m sorry Darling,” Astarion sniffs, “I promise I’m not always this high maintenance.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for Star,” he can hear your sweet smile in your voice, “I’m right here when you’re ready. The maintenance isn’t hard for me- I’m here and I care.

“And like you told me- I am here to help you when you lose to yourself and need someone to just stand with you in the storm. We’ll get through this together from now on- no more hiding.”

“No more hiding- for either of us,” Astarion quietly agrees.

For the first time in a long time- Astarion has hope. Maybe he is more than just a body to enjoy in bed.

Tag-list: @spacebarbarianweird @domainoflostsouls

[kadzu3]

That was so huge ending. Will be waiting for Karlach dlc forever in the city Sheol

[ichoric]

i think... isobel, shadowheart and arabella would be fun to pick up.

[hell-alka]

VII - THE CHARIOT

[saveskum]

The lovely shapes and colors of our companion's eyes.

[kimjunnoodle]

Pov: all of your colleagues want you dead (sound)

[lazylittledragon]

more gale+cyra romcom stuff because i'm unwell!!!

[lucidpeech]

making sure that eyeliner is SHARp (im sorry) really fun commission for shadow___hoe on twt! <3 love dj shart shenanigans

[woahcoolbear]

🤲my angel

[elfdyke]

i dont think fandom people who only think about male characters and only create content for male characters are like horrible misogynists but i do think they often have some shit they need to unpack. like how can you , for example, play life is strange and the only thing you come away with from that is you want nathan and warren to fuck nasty. how can you watch birds of prey, and the only thing you come away with from that is you want roman and victor to fuck nasty......... like idk! idk! i just find it strange especially when people will engage with media Specifically about women and then put no effort in to empathize or care about them, sometimes even going far enough to say they HATE the female characters and that theyre bitches... IDK!!!!

[chaoticbardlady99]

Fluff of companion pairing of your choice taking care of each other after a really hard fought battle (not related to their own personal quests), maybe when one of them went down or was severely wounded. Both feeling like they aren't "enough".

Needing space from everyone else, but realizing that being near each other was still okay. Soft words, tenderness. Safety, security, wholeness.

As the World Caves In (Karlach x Shadowheart)

Author note- I’m so sorry, this has been sitting in my inbox for a hot minute but I really wanted to feel confident. I’ve only romanced Astarion, but I’ve watched quite a bit of Karlach and Shadowheart content and I’m OBSESSED WITH THEM! So I hope you enjoy :) I definitely think I didn’t go the direction you were thinking, but this just flowed better for me.

P.S. lightly edited

CW: mentions of abuse, mentions of death, fear, mentions of Astarion x Tav

Picture from Kazuliski’s YouTube video about Karlach’s dinner date.

Karlach gently strokes Shadowheart’s hair as she sleeps soundly against Karlach’s chest. Shadowheart tells her the warmth from her engine soothes her to sleep like no other herb can. She also appreciates the white noise which made Karlach laugh so hard she peed herself when Shadowheart said it initially.

Karlach wishes it would help her sleep tonight too.

It had been an incredibly difficult day at Last Light Inn- Marcus had been a surprise for all of them. Shadowheart had been the first to make contact with the monsters he brought with him. Shadowheart had frozen- in the midsts of a religious crisis- and was struck down. Three of the creatures had descended on her as she screamed for help. Karlach had killed them all in swift, swinging blows, but the damage had been done. Karlach was grateful Isobel hadn’t been taken- she isn’t sure if Shadowheart would have recovered without her.

The moment Shadowheart sat upright and gasping for air was the same moment Karlach swept her up- the two of them crying while holding one another. Karlach supposes that you don’t accidentally walk into fear- to some extent everything must have some reason. She’s decided that fear finds you, hunts you for sport, and it makes a home in your heart. Karlach never thought she would ever feel that scared again in her life after Zariel had shoved the infernal engine in her body, but all that suffering had been ripped out and put on display again the moment Shadowheart began to scream for help. It certainly hasn’t gone away since- it’s only grown and created more worries.

Karlach is suffering from her own internal chatter. Almost losing Shadowheart today made her affection for her become slightly melancholy. She realized she doesn’t want to live without Shadowheart, but she is going to have to. Karlach will be in the Fugue plane all alone while she watches Shadowheart have a life.

At the beginning of the journey, the idea of dying a free woman at the end of this giant debacle was a tolerable thought. She wants to believe that she will be able to explore with Tav, Shadowheart, and the rest of their companions after this is all over. Karlach even imagines a world where her and Shadowheart live together- going on double dates with Tav and Astarion, becoming properly reacquainted with Baldur’s Gate together, and maybe one day she could even convince Shadowheart to adopt a couple children. They could grow old together, go on dinner dates, explore the world, and just be in love for as long as the Gods would allow them to be.

Karlach isn’t that lucky though and that’s what drives the tears down her face. She stiffles the sobs in her chest as Shadowheart continues to snore- not wanting to wake up her healing Wonder Woman.

It hurts to know when this is all over that everyone else will get to move on and she will simply cease to exist. Shadowheart will move on and have a life with someone else one day- Karlach will be nothing but a distant memory.

She doesn’t want that- not even a little bit. It makes her even more angry with Gortash than she was before. He really took everything from her at the end- even her future.

Astarion and Tav sit together at the fire, talking excitedly, and as happy as Karlach is for them, she can’t help but be incredibly envious. Astarion frequently worries that his inability to be out in the sun after this will scare Tav off- at least he won’t instantaneously combust. Also Tav is half-Drow, she could probably give a shit less about being in the sun anyway.

She didn’t realize that her sobs had become more aggressive.

Karlach doesn’t want to die. She thought she lost Shadowheart today and it felt like the whole world had caved in on her. Now she has to prepare herself to look her love in the eyes one last time as she takes her last breaths too?

It’s so Gods Damn unfair it makes her chest hurt.

“Karlach?”

Shadowheart is propped up and staring up at her with concern. Karlach tries to smile and just breaks into a fit of crying again. She sits up and pulls Shadowheart into her lap- the smaller female’s face resting in the crook of Karlach’s neck.

“What’s wrong, K?” Shadowheart whispers softly while rubbing Karlach’s back.

“I- I though- I lost you and I just,” Karlach chokes on her words, “I don’t want to die, Shadowheart. I want to stay here with you and grow old and senile together.”

The silence in the air isn’t uncomfortable or daunting- it’s melancholy and pessimistic. The grief is all consuming.

“I don’t want you to die either, K,” Shadowheart says, her own tears streaming now, “I have never met someone like you and I don’t think I ever will again.”

“You will,” Karlach says with a choked laugh, “and you’ll forget all about me.”

Shadowheart has Karlach’s face in her hands and is kissing her- hard- before looking at her with the most adorable, angry face Karlach has ever seen.

“That will never happen,” Shadowheart scolds, “and don’t you ever speak those words again or I’ll- I’ll….”

Shadowheart sits and thinks for a second- looking past Karlach’s shoulder with her eyebrows furrowed before shrugging her shoulders.

“I don’t actually know what I would do, but I can and will turn you into a sheep if that’s what it takes to never hear you say that again.”

“I’ll just keep BAAING until you change me back, you know.”

“Then I suppose we’re having lamb chops one night for dinner.”

Karlach laughs loudly and Shadowheart joins in- leaning her forehead against Karlach’s. When their laughter dies down, they just sit there and breathe each other in.

Shadowheart reminds Karlach of a walk at night under a full moon, but right after it rains- when the dew makes the grass sparkle and the world looks like magic.

Shadowheart is magic. She makes Karlach feel like she could do anything. Karlach would lay her life on the line a thousand times over for Shadowheart and never regret it. Shadowheart could betray her and Karlach would still thank her for their time together. How lucky is Karlach to have a chance at love at all? Maybe that’s not worth throwing away in spite of how scared shitless she is to end up in Zariel’s hands again.

“The only way I will survive,” Karlach whispers, “is if I go back to Avernus. Wyll offered to go with me and like that’s great and all, but…. It’s- he’s not you.”

Shadowheart’s delicate, callused fingers wipe away the ghosts of Karlach’s tears before she leaves a lingering kiss on Karlach’s forehead.

“I love you, Karlach. I want you to live, but I also don’t want to take your choice from you,” Shadowheart says with conviction, “if you want to, I will go with you to Avernus and we will find a way to fix your heart. Then we can come back and be as old and senile as you want. Deal?”

It’s Karlach’s turn to surprise Shadowheart with a kiss. Her hands glide up the back of Shadowheart’s shirt and Karlach relishes in the way Shadowheart melts into her chest. Her hands glide up Karlach’s chest and over her shoulders- connecting loosely behind her neck. Shadowheart hums happily as Karlach kisses her jaw and the sensitive skin on her neck before kissing her lips again.

Karlach had sworn she would never go back to Avernus. She would never give Zariel the chance to hurt her again, but if being afraid and on the run is the price to pay for a working heart and a life with Shadowheart- well it might just be fucking worth it.

“Deal,” Karlach whispers.

[unii-outlawed]

I’m a little bit obsessed with playing and it’s maybe just a little bit shadowheart’s fault👩‍🍳

[fey-wanderer]

by FYF7 [ X ]

[pocket-dragon]

not nearly enough Mama K content, GIVE THAT WOMAN A CHILD!

[hell-alka]

XX - JUDGMENT

[spicyraeman]

werewolf gfs <3