#bigchan incorrect quotes

[onlyonewoman]

Chan *walking in on the bodyguards having a “secret” midnight cooking*: What’s going on here? Pete *panicked smile*: Oh, uhm... Just... hungry, sir... Chan: ... Pol *sweating*: W-we’re picking up on... work, sir! Chan: ... Porsche *under his breath*: Idiot... Arm *internally*: Why do I love this man? Why? Why oh why?! Chan: Big? Big *slurping up a mouthful of noodles*: I’m the work, sir.  Chan: ... What...? Big *wiping his mouth*: Yeah, Pol decided I needed to be weighed and then he freaked out over a few poun... Pete: It was more than a few pounds... Porsche: I caught you trying to sew in your pants on Tankhun’s sewing machine. Arm: A disgrace, really. Chan: *not being payed nearly enough for this* Sewing... machine...? How much did...? Big: Oh, it’s nothing to worr... Pol: YOU LITERALLY DROPPED YOUR PANTS BEFORE OUR EYES! Chan: ... Pol: DESPITE USING A BELT!  Pete *trying to smooth things over*: Ahahaha, yeah, so... Sir, as you see we decided to... intervene and... huh?! Chan: *calmly walking up to Big, waiting for him to stop chewing, then throwing him over his shoulder* Big: Hey?! Arm: Sir, it’s not his fault, we literally forc... Porsche: What are...? Chan: I’M PICKING UP WORK, YOU LITTLE SHITS! And you better clean this up and go to bed now!  Big: It was nice knowing you all. Except you, Porsche. Chan: *marching out with his boy* Pete: Oh, boy... Daddy’s angry...  Pol: He’s gonna skin him alive... Arm: No one’s gonna find Big’s body... Porsche: Anyone gonna finish those noodles...? *twenty minutes later, in Chan’s private room* Chan: *exasperated, trying to sound stern* I really shouldn’t need to do this. This wasn’t in my fucking job description! I’m sorry, Big, but I’m at my wits end and hope you’ll learn from this! Big: *wrapped up in blankets, being spoon fed soup, brain blank, trying to comprehend what just happened* Uh-huh. Learning, yes, I’m... learning...  Chan: *steadily losing his cool* And have you even been sleeping properly? You’re warm, is that a fever? You’ve not done your stretching routine right either, have you? And is that a wrinkled cuff?! Big: *muttering to himself* This wasn’t the type of daddy I was going for, but whatever...

[apathetic-tortoise]

Big: I am 100% straight

Pete: Kinn, freshly showered, no shirt on

Big: I am 90% straight

Pol: Ken, tied up for training

Big: I am 80% straight

Arm: Chan holding a gun

Big: I am not straight

[kendrickkittycat]

Big: He said I was homophobic! Can you believe that?

Chan: I can’t believe it.

Big: Me, of all people! Fucking Porsche!

Chan: Big?

Big: Mmm?

Chan: Can you not talk about Porsche while I’m /inside/ of you.

Big: Ooooh. Of course, love.

[fellhalcyon]

big, through the earpiece: requesting permission to rotate guard ahead of schedule, sir.

chan: ... for what reason?

big: *sounds of taking out his earpiece*

*in the background*

porsche, loud: dude you fucking SUCK

kinn, louder: oh yeah??? well YOU fucking SWALLOW

porsche: YOU BASTARD TAKE THAT BACK *sounds of violence*

chan:

big, whispering into the earpiece: please, sir

porsche, loudest: YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU SWALLOW TOO

chan, who has no favorites: ..................... permission granted. put ken on duty and come have a smoke, i'll be in the east garden

[kendrickkittycat]

Incorrect KinnPorsche quotes

Chan: Did you just tell me you told Porsche you loved him, then you took it back? ARE YOU INSANE!

Kinn: Chan, I'm not a child-

Chan: No, you're an idiot. You can't tell someone you love them, then take it back. If I told Big that, I hope he'd shoot me!

Kinn: Chan- Wait, you and Big?

Chan: Go find Porsche and tell him the truth, boy!

Kinn: ... *leaves like a scolded child*

Chan: I need a raise.

[onlyonewoman]

Big: You’re right, sir, I was getting distracted, but I’m perfectly fine now! Chan: So... no more pining over Kinn? Big: None. I’ve realised he should go and be happy with Porsche. Chan *actually quite relieved*: That’s good. Big: Yep. No more stupid hopes for the future! Chan: ... Big: I’m gonna accept my lot as forever single, dying on my post in the name of duty. Chan: ... Big: And if I’m really lucky, it will happen soon too! Thank you, boss. You really made me come to my senses about this! Chan *internally*: The fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck have I done?! Two weeks later: Big *visibly annoyed*: Sir, you have a minute? Chan: What’s the problem? Big *trying not to cause a scene*: Not to complain, sir, but why am I put on carp feeding duty?  Chan: Everyone does that around here on occasion, it’s called teamwork, Big. Big: It’s been thirteen days...  Chan: Already? Time flies... Big: No it doesn’t! It drowns! Slowly! Chan: Well, thankfully you’re a great swimmer.  Big *under his breath*: Not if I’m drunk... Two days later: Big *yelling*: Boss? Boss! Hey! Has anyone seen the motherfucker Chan?! Pete, *whispering to Porsche*: Chan stole Big’s whisky... Porsche, *also whispering*: Why? Pete, *whispering*: Probably the same reason why he stole his swimming trunks.  Porsche, *ever the moron*: Korn should really pay Chan better.  Pete, *exasperated*: I should’ve stayed in Vegas’ sex torture chamber...

[fellhalcyon]

pol, first day on the job: uhhhh p'big?? phone call for you???? from... uhhhhhhhh..... "Daddy"??????

big: what

big: *snatches the phone* wHAT in the GODDAMN FU------

pol:

the other bodyguards:

the phone:

big, visibly seething: ............... sir?

chan, audibly, over the phone: nice save.

pol: *contemplating his life decisions*

[onlyonewoman]

Chan, fed up: Who the hell decided I was the father figure around here?! Kim: Probably Korn.  Kinn: Honestly, I just assumed you lost a bet with Erika. Tankhun: And we all know Gun never should’ve been allowed to procreate. Porsche: Wait? You have kids? Chan: ... Kim: ... Kinn: ... Tankhun: ... Big, passing by: Hi daddy! Kim, whispering to Tankhun: Shit, Big’s gonna be in so much trouble... Kinn, fleeing the scene: I have to buy some stupidly rich trinklets. Later! Porsche, ever the idiot: Why didn’t anyone tell me Chan is Big’s father?!