#both bc today is the anniversary of my mom's death

[violeteyedkiller]

.

[peachdues]

popping in to ask how you’re doing mentally ☁️

Ehhhhh lol.

It’s been a rough week. So today is the anniversary of something very bitter sweet — my legal wedding anniversary, but it’s not all that happy, because my mom’s death-anniversary is Sunday.

We got legally married by her bedside so she could see it, because we knew she wasn’t going to live to see our planned wedding in November. My mom never even got to see me in my wedding dress — she was in the ICU when I picked it out, so all I could do was show her pictures.

I’m just in a funk. It’s been two years and it feels like it’s been both an eternity and no time at all. I still find myself going to call her before remembering her phone has been disconnected.

I’m just a little down, lol. I miss her very dearly. It’s been hard to respond to friends — irl or here on tumblr bc I’m just feeling a little disconnected rn.

Thank you for checking in, and sorry to dump 🤍

[scum-belina]

Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of my maternal grandpa's death and today is the 6 year anniversary of my dad's death. Both were truly terrible men and abusive towards me and most others close to them. I don't miss them at all and while I don't celebrate their deaths, I do feel relief that they're gone, as cruel as that may sound. But these days bring back the memories of everything they put me through, especially my dad. And how when my dad was sick and dying and I was at my most vulnerable, the rest of my relatives came out of the woodworks and put me through every level of hell.

I can't talk to family about my feelings towards their deaths, because they all defend and justify their horrific behavior because they've not dealt with their own traumas, and most of them have become every bit as bad as them both. I put on an act when my dad was ill and tried so hard to be a good daughter towards him to please him and everyone else, even though they never treated me with kindness. I lived a lie and kept my own emotions and struggles inside to please them. I will never do that again. Not for them. Not for anyone.

I would post updates on my dad's health multiple times a week to keep distant relatives informed bc they wanted updates but the rest of my family couldn't be bothered to inform anyone. I was the only one in my family that bothered to actually talk or listen to the doctors or nurses. My mom was too catatonic and my paternal grandma was too strung out on pills to ever retain any information. I tried to do everything I could to be helpful even when I was shut inside my grandparents house being starved and emotionally and financially abused for two years, only ever going out to visit my dad. All of it against my will.

I'm turning 30 in 4 months. My entire 20s have been devoured by things beyond my control and insane abuse that even I struggle to accept really happened some days. I don't say that to make myself the victim. Deep down I blame myself for everything. I really have tried to fight back and work hard to get out of this situation, but something always goes against me and I end up worse than before. I'm not giving up and I'm still fighting, but I'm so discouraged and afraid. Every day has felt the same for a decade.

I want those 10 years back. They were taken from me for nothing other than others sick pleasure to abuse, control and misuse. I want to finally feel happy. To be fulfilled. I want to forget my pain.

[winterscaptain]

i really love a joyful future bc its so soft!! but like imagine Jack and Hotch talking about Haley after the twins are born, like having time alone with one of your parents when you have so many siblings is already kind of hard pressed so like imagine idk the anniversary of her funeral or something and they talk about her and go out for ice cream or whatever and then come back and they both are kinda down bc theyre sad but then like seeing everyone cheers them up even a little :( i cant,,,

haley day

Aaron Hotchner x Female Reader a joyful future fic

oops i made it a fic and its only a little off topic! please forgive any errors - i wrote this in like two hours yikes

universe: a joyful future words: 2291 warnings: discussion of death

masterlist | a joyful future masterlist | ajf faq | requests closed! edited: november 27th, 2020

When you woke up, Aaron was already gone. There was a note on his pillow, and you stretched as you reached over for it. 

Jack and I are off for our hike at Maryland Heights. We’ll be back sometime in the late morning/ early afternoon. We won’t have service until we’re back down the mountain - don’t be nervous if you don’t hear from us. 

We’ll swing by to pick everyone up so we can go visit H all together. I’ll call when we’re an hour out. 

I love you. 

A

You held the note to your chest for a moment before slipping it into the manila envelope in your bedside drawer. You kept all of Aaron’s little notes - post-its from work, little things in your go bag, notes from mornings like this. They brought an absurd amount of joy to you, and he kept writing them, so you kept keeping them. You weren’t even sure if he knew you kept them, but you supposed some little fun secrets were good for a marriage every once and a while. 

Isaac was already up - your sweet boy, with a bowl of cereal in his lap and cartoons on. 

“Good morning, my love,” you said to him as you passed, kissing him on the head. 

He wiggled in his seat. “Hi, momma.” 

You continued into the kitchen, making yourself a cup of (already brewed) coffee. “How long have you been up?”

“I woke up when Jack and Daddy were getting ready, but I couldn’t fall back to sleep so Daddy put the TV on and put cereal where I could reach it and told me I was only allowed to wake you up if there was a fire or someone got hurt.” 

You huffed a laugh at his matter-of-fact tone - imitating Aaron beat for beat. “Is that so?”

He nodded. 

You returned with your coffee mug and planted yourself next to Isaac on the couch. 

“Momma?” He asked, after a little while. 

“Mhmm?” You set your coffee down on the table and tucked your legs up under you, facing him. 

“What’s Haley Day?” 

You opened your arms to him, and he put his cereal down and curled into you. “Can we talk about Haley Day when Dad and Jack get home?” 

He nodded and you pressed a kiss into his dark hair. 

+++

The boys leisurely hiked the path in relative silence, enjoying both each other’s company and the scenery. 

“How are you, Dad?” Jack asked, after a while. 

“I’m good, bud.” He thought about it for a moment and laughed lightly to himself. “I’m really good, actually.” 

A small smile crossed Jack’s face. “That’s good.” 

“What are you thinking about over there?” Aaron said, noting the pensive expression on his son’s face. It was odd - it was a little like looking in the mirror, but Jack would pull these faces that were so Haley. It had startled Aaron more than once. 

“Who says I’m thinking about anything?” 

“I can hear you thinking.” 

Jack rolled his eyes. “Fuckin’ profiler.” 

“Excuse me?” Aaron laughed. He was a stickler for language around the little ones, but he knew Jack swore like a sailor when he was out of the house. 

“I said, fuckin’ profiler.” Jack tutted. “Looks like your hearing is failing you in your advanced age, old man.” 

Aaron pointed at him, eyebrows raised. “Watch it.” 

After a moment, they both broke, laughing out loud. They quieted after a minute, walking a little closer together. 

“I’m just thinking about mom - Haley,” he clarified. “It kind of hit me this morning how…much that all was.” He looked at Aaron, brown eyes curious. “Are you okay, Dad?”

One side of Aaron’s mouth pulled up. “I’m alright. It was really hard for a while, but it gets easier to carry. I know you don’t remember, but you’re old enough now to know that the year before Haley died was...not great. That’s what I had the hardest time handling.” 

“The divorce, right?” Jack’s head dropped as he looked at his feet, still marching confidently up the rock-lined path. Aaron was suddenly grateful, deeply so, for the gift of his son. 

“Yeah. Certainly not a shining moment for either one of us, but I think she made the right choice. She was stronger than me by a long shot, and always managed to do what had to be done.” 

Jack hummed thoughtfully, and Aaron knew he could take what came next. 

“When she was killed, I had to grapple with the idea that she died angry at me.” Aaron looked up, letting the dappled light from the trees strike his face. 

“I don’t think so.” 

“What do you mean?”

Jack kept his eyes up, trained on the path, as he spoke. “I think that’s an easy way to feel guilty, but she didn’t die mad at you, Dad. Aunt Emily told me how brave you were, how you talked to her until you couldn’t anymore.” 

Aaron opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted. 

“Don’t be upset with Em. I asked and she told. Not her fault.” Jack pulled a mouthful of water from his pack before he continued. “I think she wanted you to know how much she loved you, you know? Like, Emily told me she reminded you to not be so serious all the time and to tell me stories about how much fun you guys had when you were young and cool.” He shot a smirk over to Aaron, who rolled his eyes with a smile. Jack squinted into the middle distance. “Were you mad at her that day?”

“No,” Aaron answered quickly. “Not at all.” 

“What were you, then?”

“Scared.” 

“Her too, probably.” Jack’s tone was simple, as if it was the easiest thing in the world to understand. Maybe it was. “You made her feel less scared and you kept calm, even when you were probably more scared than you’ve ever been in your whole life. I only remember her a little, but I think she’d love you for that, don’t you?”

Aaron was quiet for a moment, just looking at Jack as they walked. “When did you get so smart, kid?”

Jack shrugged. “You didn’t answer the question.” 

Yep. He’s my son. 

He couldn’t help the smile that pulled at his mouth as he retorted, “You’re right, I didn’t.” 

Jack crossed the path to bump his father’s shoulder. They were almost the same height, and Aaron imagined Jack would pass him up by the end of the year. “I love you, Dad.” 

“I love you too, Jack.” He reached up to ruffle Jack’s hair, but he ducked away just in time. 

“C’mon, man.” 

Aaron scoffed. “You are your mother’s son - that much is certain.” 

“Which one?” Jack asked with a grin. 

After a moment of thought, Aaron huffed another laugh and said, “Unfortunately, both.” 

Jack’s grin softened. “You miss her, don’t you?”

“I do. But guess what?”

His brow furrowed. 

“You remind me of her so much sometimes it’s like she’s right here with us, you know that?” 

This time, Jack let his father muss the hair on top of his head. “Really?” 

Aaron nodded. “All the time.” Then again, under his breath. “All the time.” 

+++

Aaron called you around noon on the way back from Harper’s Ferry. “We’ll be home in about 45 minutes - traffic isn’t bad at all and we’re just now at the state line.” 

“Sounds good, honey. I’ll start the ball rolling with the girls.” 

You could hear a pair of chuckles on the other end of the line and perhaps a muttered “Good luck with that shit.”

Language, Jack Hotchner. 

Chewing on your lower lip, you added, “Also, Isaac asked. I think it’s time - for him, at least.” 

“Alright. We’ll go sit on the porch when I get home. Jack, are you good helping the girls get ready?” 

“For sure,” Jack’s assent sounded a little distant, but it made you smile.  

+++

You and Aaron settled on the porch swing with Isaac on your lap. Aaron held out his hands palm-up, and Isaac rested his little fingers on Aaron’s. 

Aaron closed his hands around Isaac’s, holding his attention. It was something you two had established early on with the kids: when Dad holds both of your hands, look at him and listen. 

“Mom told me you asked about Haley Day today.” 

Isaac nodded. 

“Before I tell you what Haley Day means, I want to remind you that Mom and I love all four of you exactly the same, okay?” 

Isaac nodded. 

“Alright, bud.” Aaron took a deep breath, and you smiled at him over Isaac’s head. “You know how you and Sophia and Caroline came out of Momma’s tummy?”

Little brown eyes looked back at you and you nodded encouragingly. 

“Yes.”

“You know how Mom and I are married and wear these rings and live together?”

He nodded. 

“And of course you know Aunt Jessica, right?”

A smile broke out across Isaac’s face as he nodded again. 

“Before I was married to your mom, I was married to Haley. Haley is Aunt Jessica’s sister, and Jack came out of Haley’s tummy before your mom and I met.”

There was a little bit of confusion splashed across Isaac’s face. “So Momma isn’t Jack’s momma?” 

You put your hands on his shoulders, and he looked up at you. “Not everyone is like you and me, bud. You came out of my tummy and I’m also your mom, but some people’s moms aren’t the same person they came out of. Does that make sense?” You were going to continue, but you closed your mouth. 

We aren’t going to start the “not everyone has a mom” conversation today. Baby steps. 

“So you’re still Jack’s mom, too?”

“Yes, sir,” you said with a smile. “But at the same time, Haley is also Jack’s mom. So he kind of has two moms, which is also a normal thing for some families. I’m what’s technically called a step-mom.” 

He nodded sagely and said, “Some of my friends at school have step-moms,” but then his face fell into almost comical confusion. “Where did Haley go?” 

You gestured to Aaron and Isaac whirled around. Aaron’s eyes flickered back to yours, and you returned his gaze with soft eyes. 

Aaron took another breath before speaking again. “Haley died when Jack was four - just a little younger than you are now - and so it’s really important for Jack and me to have Haley Day so we can remember her and spend time together. Today is her forty-ninth birthday, and sometimes birthdays of people who died are really hard.” He swallowed, and his eyes misted over. He looked up at you. 

It’s okay. Don’t hide from your son. It’s okay. 

He blinked rapidly, and a few tears fell. Tears pricked at your eyes as well as Isaac scrambled off your lap and into Aaron’s. 

“Mom said that people who have died can’t come back and you can’t see them anymore. Is that true?” He asked. 

Aaron wrapped one arm around Isaac and placed his other hand on your knee. You grabbed it right away, holding him tight. “Yeah, bud. Mom’s right.”

“Do you miss her? Sometimes I miss my friends who moved and I can’t see them anymore.” 

Aaron laughed and squeezed Isaac tight to his chest. “I do miss her. It’s a lot like when your friends move away. She was one of my best friends.”

“Is Mom one of your best friends?”

You brushed tears off your cheeks with your fingers and grinned at Aaron. 

“Yes. Your mom is one of my best friends,” he said with a smile that matched yours. “And Mom knew Haley, too and they were friends. There are a lot of pictures of Haley and Jack and me and Mom on the bookshelf in the living room, but they’re a little high up for you to see them. I can show them to you later, if you want.” 

There was quiet for a moment, as you both let Isaac process the concept of life and death and parenthood in his little four-year-old brain. 

That’s a lot all at once. 

“Do we get to do anything special for Haley Day?”

Aaron looked down at him, “Yes, sir. We’re going to go visit the place where she’s buried and then go out for ice cream. How does that sound?”

“Really good.” 

“Really good, alright!” Aaron rose with renewed vigor, and Isaac clung to his neck as he readjusted his grip. “Can you go get some shoes on and we can go?” Isaac nodded and Aaron set him down with a pat on his shoulder. 

You tucked yourself under Aaron’s arm as Isaac ran back into the house. Through the window, you could see Jack swinging Sophia up over his head as a reward for getting her shoes on. Caroline was attached to his pant leg, begging to go next.

“That went alright.” 

He nodded. “Yeah, it did.” He kissed the side of your head and inhaled. “Thank you.”

You looked up at him. “For what?”

With his hand, he gestured vaguely to everything around you. “Being here, I guess?” He laughed lightly through his nose. “Just - thank you. I know it’s not always easy.” 

You placed your left hand on his chest and rested your head against him as you spoke. “I know you worry, but I have never once felt like second-best or a replacement. Not even a little.” 

“I do worry,” he said quietly. 

“Don’t, please.” You patted his chest twice, a break. “Now, I believe we promised at least one of our children ice cream and I would hate to have a mutiny on our hands. We’re outnumbered two to one and I don’t need Reid to tell me those aren’t great odds.” 

He laughed and pressed a sweet kiss to your lips. “There’s no better partner to fend off hangry toddlers than you, darling.”

+++

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[itstittycitybaby]

What is Lost is Once Found Again (Lin Beifong x fem! reader)

 A/N: this is the angst fic and i have finished editing it. been feeling down lately because of some things so whens a better time to write something angsty? also reader is a firebender bc i feel like firebenders do not get enough love. enjoy yall. 

warnings: angst, emotional/physical abuse, one homophobic slur.

You saw how happy they were. They couldn’t keep their hands off of each other. The bouquet of flowers fell from your hands. Its petals falling like the pieces of your heart that shattered. Though, this was your fault wasn’t it? You had introduced them after all and they hit it off. The rest was history. She laughed; Tenzin had made her laugh. Your vision became blurry from the tears in your eyes. You wanted to scream. You had been too late. Lin looked over and waved at you. There was a grin on her face, something you never really saw from her. You swallowed the cry that threatened to claw its way out. The urge to vomit was strong. You waved back weakly. Their attention turned from you and back to them. The fresh wild flowers you had picked for her were now damaged. It didn’t matter anymore. She looked so happy standing next to him. Lin’s green eyes looked a bit soft as she noticed the bouquet. It was a rare sight to see her so happy. Her voice sounded blurry and muddled. It felt like you were watching a movie play out on the big screen of a theatre. Tenzin looked concerned at your state of being. Here you were standing in front of them but you seemed gone. Lin’s voice snapped you out of your daze. 

Her strong features pulled in concern as she called your name softly. “Are you alright?” No, you weren’t. You couldn’t tell Lin how much it hurt to see how happy she was with Tenzin. You couldn’t confess your feelings that you’ve been harboring for a while. Tenzin was your best friend and you didn’t want to ruin how joyful he was. If he knew he’d step aside and let you have her. He’d swallow it all down just for you. Blinking, your lips quivered. “I-I was just going to visit my father’s grave,” you lied. Their faces dropped; they knew how important your father had been to you. “Is that what you were going to give him,” Tenzin asked gently, head motioning to the now ruined flowers on the gravel. At that moment you hated Tenzin. He was so soft and kind that you felt guilty about falling in love with his girlfriend. You nodded, “Doesn’t matter anyways. I-I gotta go...see you later.” They tried to stop you; they called after you but you ignored them. She was gone now. You were too late. They were so enamored with each other now it didn’t matter anymore. The ache in your heart was deep. You felt anchored in the cold icy waters of the ocean but you couldn’t reach out. Cement blocks held your feet every time as you dragged through the sand. The ache in your bones became numb with the cold and every time you screamed you’d choke on the water. He makes her happy, you told yourself. I was too late.

Neither of them really talked to you anymore. It was expected, though. They were a new couple in the honeymoon phase. That’s how your mother put it, the alcohol in her system making her words slur and her movements clumsy. Your father’s anniversary of his death had passed a couple days ago and your mom became even more depressed. You fought the urge to scorch the walls that night when she spat her venomous words towards you. They were a sharp blade but you didn’t care. It would sink its blades into your skin and blood would rise. Eventually, it all became numb. Her sharp hilt of words became numb once more. “It’s your fault he’s dead. It’s your fault he’s gone.” The words stung but she was right. Your father’s death was your fault. “You know,” Tenzin started, his legs swinging off the steps of your porch. “My family will always welcome you.” It was cold that night. The freezing air bit your fingers and the wind whipped your clothes around. Tenzin had come to check up on you. He always did every anniversary. “I know,” you said softly. “I know.”

“No wonder she doesn’t talk to you anymore. A handsome and kind man sweeps Lin off of her feet. I’d do the same.” Your mother was sober this morning. She was back to her usual jabs but the eggs in front of you helped drown her out. You clenched your fork tightly, your knuckles turned white. “Too bad you couldn’t get him first.” You slammed your fist down on the counter. Flames flickered in your hands. Its tongues threatened to burn the counter you sat at. Your mother whipped around, eyes growing wide at your burning hands. You could feel how scared she was. She didn’t bother you anymore that day.

Dammit Tenzin! Lin’s room was warm compared to your frozen house. You always envied her for it but not tonight. You held her tight as she vented about her boyfriend. Well, now ex boyfriend. The thought made you scoff. Pema was a sweet girl but she was selfish. Incredibly selfish. “Am I just unloveable?” You snapped out of your thoughts. Lin didn’t shed any tears but her voice sounded so broken. “No Lin no,” you said softly, rubbing her shoulder supportively. “Tenzin’s just a dumbass. Pema is selfish and wanted to break two people’s happiness. Tenzin was stupid to got for it. You are loveable Lin.” I love you. Lin swallowed thickly; you could see her fighting the tears. “It’s stupid to cry over.” “No,” you exclaimed, pulling her into your chest. “It’s something perfectly justified to cry over! If you wanna cry you should, it’s good to cry.” “Heh. Thanks.”

 You smiled softly. The moon shone on her pale features beautifully through her bedroom window. You had snuck out that night but your mom had drunk herself to sleep. You couldn’t help but think how selfish Pema was to break two people apart. While you had kept your mouth shut and swallowed the hurt, she paraded around with Tenzin. Lin’s bedroom window was open after she helped you in. You felt guilty about throwing a small rock near her window. But, when you heard Tenzin had broken up with her from some gossip in town, you made haste to Lin. The box of fudge from the bakery you had bought for her was almost empty from eating both of your feelings. “Please don’t hurt him,” Lin said softly in your arms. Her eyes were heavy and her breathing was more shallow. “I’ll try not to,” you joked. She laughed. For the first time that night she laughed and your heart swelled at the thought. “Night Lin,” you whispered, setting her gently onto the bed. She snored softly, causing your heart to swell. You kissed her head and ventured home. 

You swung your feet from Lin’s bathroom counter. Tenzin and Lin hadn’t talked in a little over a year. Being your best friend the two of you talked and you gave clipped answers when he’d ask about her. Anytime you saw Pema you felt the rage and felt flames in your palms threatening to burst. You had yelled at him for an hour about how stupid and selfish he was. Aang had to come outside and see what all the ruckus was about. “Fuck,” you said tightly. You came back to the present from the stinging pain of the rubbing alcohol. “Sorry,” Lin muttered. For being such a hardass she was gentle when she needed to be. The cotton ball was soft on your temple, giving you some relief. At least the nosebleed stopped, but your eye was beginning to swell. “She can’t be doing this to you anymore,” she said softly, her brows worrying. For being nineteen, Lin  looked pretty mature. Though, she had always been more stern and responsible even as a kid. 

“It’s fine,” you muttered, brushing it off. You winced at the alcohol again. “No it’s not,” she replied sternly. You could see her green eyes flare up but there was concern and worry underneath it. “If you need somewhere to stay you can stay with me. I don’t want you to have to go through this anymore.” You didn’t interrupt her rant. Interrupting Lin is the equivalent to poking a grumpy old bear/ “What happened this time?” You sighed. You really didn’t want to have this conversation. Lin was open minded about certain things but you weren’t sure about being attracted to the same gender. It was still something you yourself were coming to terms with. Your mother had found out and the glass bottle shattered on the wall. It was meant for your head. “Just her being her usual self. Getting mad at something,” you clipped. Lin could tell you weren’t telling the whole story but she let it drop, thankfully. “All done,” she said. “Thanks.” She nodded in reply. “Do you need to stay here tonight?” “I don’t wanna intrude. I can stay at Kiki’s.” Kiki’s was the bakery you had bought the box of fudge for Lin when Tenzin broke up with her. The owner was always kind to you and knew about your struggles. He was warm hearted and offered you a place to crash from time to time. He reminded you of your father. Lin shook her head. “You’re staying here tonight. Besides, I just got this place and I want to spend time with you.” Your heart warmed at her words. An unrequited crush, two years strong. How sad. Your mother’s words rang in your ears. “How could she ever love a fag like you?” 

It was raining that morning. Kiki’s had hired you as a baker and offered you the room upstairs. Even though firebenders were known to be ambitious, passionate, and more aggressive than others, you had no drive or ambition. You didn’t know what you wanted in life but baking was something you were passionate about. “I’m gonna be out,” you shouted over your shoulder. “Alright be safe,” Maro, the store owner, called out from the back. Swinging your satchel over your shoulder you grabbed the box of leftover donuts for Lin. You balanced the two coffee cups on the box and swiftly left the place. Your bright blue bicycle rested on the side of the bakery. As you mounted your bike you smiled, excited to see Lin today. The two coffee cups sat in the cup holders on the sides of the basket while the donuts sat safely in the basket.The wind whipped through your hair and the rain drizzled lightly. The rain was light but you peddled quickly so the food wouldn’t be ruined. Lin’s wasn’t too far Kiki’s either. It felt freeing to be peddling down the hills; your worries flew away with the sweeping wind. Her apartment came into view. The thought of seeing her made you peddle faster. You placed your bike on the side of the building and pounded up the stairs. You held the box of donuts tightly in your hands, shielding it from the now pouring rain. Your heart quickened as you reached her front door. You had left Kiki’s at eight so she had to be up by now. You knocked on her door. Faintly, you could hear her footsteps. Lin greeted you with a blanket on her shoulders and a white tank top under it. Black sweats hugged her body nicely. The dark circles under her eyes were prominent in the bright gray morning. “What a surprise,” she said, the corners over her lips tugging upwards. You chuckled, “Had some leftovers and decided to visit. It’s been a while.” Her eyes lightened up at the sight of coffee and the delicious pastries. Lin held the door for you as you balanced the goodies and stepped into her apartment.

“Talked to Tenzin finally.” You almost choked on the sprinkled donut you were eating. Lin held her coffee cup in her hands as she glanced down at her kitchen counter. Her plain glazed donut sat on a napkin untouched. You gulped your food down. “That’s..great. What’d he say?” Lin chuckled at your answer. “He apologized, actually.” She sipped her black coffee. “Oh…” you trailed off. You weren’t sure how to respond. He had broken up with her three years ago and now apologized? “I don’t feel anything about it anymore. I was surprised, honestly.” You hummed, sipping your hot chocolate. “Took him long enough.” Lin snorted, “It did. I just can’t help but wonder...why.” You shot a confused glance her way, digging into the box for another sweet. A chocolate donut, this time. You missed the smile Lin had as she saw your childlike wonder and excitement about something so small as a pastry. “No one seems to have any interest in me anymore. Can’t help but wonder if I’m going to die alone,” she joked, taking another sip of her drink. You could hear a bit of sadness in her voice though. Passion bubbled in your chest and before you could think better you opened your mouth. “You’re not gonna die alone Lin. You’re sweet and kind and compassionate. You care about the people you love and are fiercely loyal. You’re intelligent and observant and also snarky. You’re just so….perfect!” The creeping anxiety surged when the answer you met with was silence. Muffled laughter escaped Lin’s lips as she tried to keep a straight face. It was rare; her body shook and the giggles turned into laughter. It rang in your ears and your heart swelled at the perfect sound. Before you could stop yourself, you kissed her.Her lips tasted like coffee and mint. She smelt like earth, paper, and leather. Her lips were soft and plush. Your eyes widened and immediately you pulled back. “I-I’m so s-sorry I-,” you sputtered, scurrying away from her. Lin just stared. There was no expression on her face as she looked at you. You felt tears run down your cheeks before you had a chance to stop them. A heavy lump sat in your throat and you dashed to get your bag. You left without another word, slamming Lin’s door behind you. She didn’t even try to stop you. 

“I’m a fucking idiot,” you sobbed, the rain pouring, soaking you to the bone. You peddled faster, sobs unleashing from your throat. The road was hard to see from the rain and your blurry vision. You didn’t care, if something or someone hit you you would accept your fate. Hell, that would be a good one. Better than losing Lin for good. Once you wheeled your bike to it’s spot you dashed into Kiki’s. Customers sat at tables leaving the workers distracted so you bolted upstairs. You didn’t feel like having Maro interrogate your crying right now. As much as you loved the big jolly man, you couldn’t let him see you like this. You changed out of your wet clothes and threw on something comfortable. For the rest of the day you let your blankets embrace you and cried your heart out. Eventually, you drifted off to sleep.

It was five pm once you woke up again. The memory of kissing Lin and acting so stupid made you curse. Tears threatened to spill again and you trembled. A soft knock snapped you out of your thoughts. “Come in,” you croaked. Maro opened the door poking his head in. “Are you alright?” The dam broke loose. Instantly you were a sobbing mess again. The man who was almost like your father closed the door quickly and held you in his arms. “What happened,” he cooed, rocking you back and forth. You told him everything;about your mother, your father, and Lin. After you were finished he kissed the top of your head. “Give her some time. She’ll come around with an answer for you soon. She’d be lucky to have you.” “Thanks Maro,” you sniffled, wiping your eyes. A few moments of silence stretched. You didn’t believe his words, something told you that you pushed Lin away for good.“I think I’m gonna have to leave.” The giant man beneath you squawked. “I need to learn how to control my firebending still. I’ve shut it away for so long, I think it’s time now.” Maro sighed, “I knew this day would come. You’re sure of it? What if Lin comes for you?” You shook your head. “I don’t think she will Maro.” “Alright. When you come back, you have a home here at Kiki’s. Y’know that right?” “I-I know. Thank you Maro.”

The next morning Maro and his brother waved you off. Maro cried as he gave you one last hug and a box of sweets for the go. You felt tears well up in your eyes as you said goodbye to your only family. “T-thank you Maro for everything. I never deserved your kindness.” “Yes you do, you’re family. You’re my daughter,” Maro blubbered. Even Maro’s brother who was a stone faced man had tears in his eyes You smiled. Your lips quivered and tears streamed down your face. “I love you guys,” you choked out. “I-I’ll be back soon I promise.” With one last goodbye you made your way to Tenzin and his family for a farewell.Tenzin was sad to see you go but he understood. Some journeys were meant to be traveled alone. Aang wished you the best of your travels and sent a wool cloak with you. It was soft and the warmest thing you ever owned. Pema was there, and you were civil with her, but after what she had done to Lin you didn’t see her the same. Tenzin had given you an amulet he was keeping for you and it hung around your neck proudly. You hurried to the docks of Republic City. Missing the boat would certainly add to your already dampened spirits. As you swept through the streets you couldn’t help but think of Lin. The wounds were still fresh but you trudged on. Like a coward, you ran.

Your room was barren and cold. ‘Had it always been this cold,’ Lin thought. The baker, Maro, looked sad today. It was unusual for he was joyful and warm. But today his flame had been blown at, the smoke curling around his heart. Lin was paralyzed when you had kissed her. She couldn’t move until it was too late. A white envelope sat on your desk. Lin. She ran to the desk and ripped it open. As she read it, her eyes widened and her eyes felt watery. Dammit. She was too late. Lin flung the letter on the floor and bolted to the docks. The white parchment paper sifted through the air gracefully until it fell on the ground.

Lin,

I’m sorry. I did what must be done.

 Goodbye,

xx

“No!” Lin cried out as the boat sailed away from view. Tears spilled from her cheeks and her teeth clenched. Her fists were balled tightly and her face twisted in anguish. You were gone, forever. She stood on the busy docs;people went around her throwing dirty looks her way. She didn’t care. They went around her mumbling under their breaths. She had been too late. “Line five, ship is boarding, line five, ship is boarding,” the guy called out. Lin perked up. Were you still here? Quickly, she scanned the line. Her heart stopped. She recognized the familiar body and the wool cloak shrouded protectively across their shoulders. Lin bounded over to you. Her hand grabbed your wrist tightly and she pulled you out of the line. “Hey-” your eyes widened as you saw her. “Lin? What are you-” “You’re an idiot you know that?” You gulped. You didn’t think Lin would talk to you anymore but her anger wasn’t unexpected. “I-I’m sorry,” you said softly, averting her intense gaze. “I-I wasn’t thinking clearly and I admit that. But if you’ve come here to ridicule me-” Lin smashed your lips with hers. A muffled squeak in surprise left you but you melted into her touch. Lin’s hands held your face tightly and her chest brushed up against yours. You sighed into the kiss allowing her tongue to enter your mouth and gently sucking on yours. She pulled away;both of you out of breath. Your cheeks heated up at the realization that the love of your life liked you back. “How long have you loved me,” Lin asked softly. Her eyes shone with fondness as she looked at you. “You know when you started dating Tenzin?” She nodded. “I was gonna confess to you then.” Lin’s eyes widened in shock. “Why didn’t you tell me?” You smiled sadly, “You looked so happy. I didn’t want to ruin that.” Lin kissed you again. Her hands held your waist in a tight grip and she bent you lower. You giggled, grabbing her face for support. There were tears in her eyes as she looked at you. You felt your eyes start to water and you laughed softly. “I love you,” Lin whispered, tears threatening to spill. “Don’t you ever leave me again.” You smiled, you were crying again but these were happy tears instead. Gently, she wiped the spilling tears from your cheeks with her thumbs. They felt a bit rough but you couldn’t complain. You nodded, swallowing thickly. “I love you too Lin.”

[steviemae]

babysitter // sp - pt.11

babysitter masterlist.

author’s note: just wanted to say first, that i gave y/n’s father a last name instead of putting y/l/n. to clarify, Tessa and y/n’s father are half siblings so to make things easier, Tessa will have y/l/n and Taylor is the last name of the readers father. in the wattpad story, i gave the character a name instead of using a reader insert but kept it a reader insert for tumblr bc that’s what a lot  of you wanted. so to make things less confusing, i wanted to let you know before you started reading! enjoy (:

During lunch you were able to sneak away from Sweet Pea and meet Betty in the Blue and Gold. She was already there when you walked in, nose stuck in her laptop as she scrolled through whatever she had looked up.

“Oh good, you’re here. Okay, so i started with your mom. I found absolutely nothing on her. No obituary, no public records from being arrested. It’s like she never existed.” she said. You looked over her shoulder as she scrolled.

“What about my dad?” You asked bringing a chair over to sit next to her.

“He was a Serpent, that’s for sure. He also has a pretty hefty track record. No drugs or theft though. All fights he’s been in and gotten arrested for; the usual Serpent track record. This is interesting though, the death date on his obituary isn’t the date you told me.” She pointed at the date on the paper. A completely different date than what you have set in your brain as the anniversary of your parent’s death. You scrunch your eyebrows in confusion.

“I can’t find anything that states how either of them died. But i think i might know who we can ask. Meet me at the Register after your detention is over.” You gave her a nod and gathered everything up when you heard the bell signal that lunch was over. Shoving the files into your bag as you walked into the hallway you bumped into someone. You looked up to apologize, “Oh sorry, Principal Weatherbee.”

“Ms. y/l/n. You skipped detention yesterday. Might i ask why?” He gave you a stern look.

“I - um - my aunt called me. Someone destroyed my car.” You technically weren’t lying. Someone did in fact destroy your car. You pulled out your phone to show him pictures, “i’ll stay late tomorrow to make up for it. I just needed to go get my car taken care of.” You explained.

“If you show up for detention today, i’ll let it slide. I know things have been difficult for you lately and i hope it has nothing to do with those thugs you’ve been running around with. I don’t mind cutting you some slack seeing as you’ve never been in my office for anything worth reprimanding. Don’t make the same mistake twice, Ms. y/l/n.” and with that he walked away.

--

In detention you pulled out your laptop to finish your digging that you and Betty started at lunch. You deciding to look up Johnathan and see what dirt you could find. Scrolling through the endless reports of violence from the many fights he’s been arrested for, you decided that you probably weren’t going to find much. You looked up your mother again in hopes of finding something, but came up short. Betty was right, it’s like she wasn’t even real.

“Ms. y/l/n? What are you doing in detention?” you looked up and saw Mr. Anderson. He was an older gentleman and taught English here. Turns out he’s also the one who monitors detention.

“I punched Reggie Mantle in the mouth.” You said nonchalantly.

“I’m sure he deserved it. Get out of here. I’ll tell Principal Weatherbee you finished out your time in detention. Just don’t let me catch you in here again, young lady.” He said. Wow, being an honor roll student who never gets in trouble is really paying off.

Sweet Pea had text you earlier telling you to call him when your detention was over and he’d come get you. You told him not to worry about it, that Betty and her mom asked you to help with the Register so they were picking you up. He was annoyed but said he’d be at the Wyrm. You opened the door to the Register and the bell dinged making Betty look up from whatever she was looking at on the desk.

“You’re here earlier than expected.”

“Thank god for Mr. Anderson.” you said jokingly making prayer hands and raising them to the sky while laughing.

“Alright, we have to make a pit stop at the bank before we go to the morgue.”

“The morgue? Betty why are we going where they keep dead people?”

“Because where there are dead people, there are autopsy reports. And finding your dad’s autopsy report will tell us where and how he died. Same for your mom.” She said like it was obvious. You let out a long drawn out oh finally catching onto what she was saying, “But why do we need to stop at the bank?” You asked confused.

“If we want him to give us information we need money. It’ll keep him quiet.” She explained.

“Lead the way, Penny Brown.” You said making Betty look at you with a confused looked.

“Penny Brown? The blonde with pigtails from the Inspector Gadget show? I was going to say Nancy Drew, but that’s who Veronica jokes you are all the time and i wanted to be different.” You said sheepishly.

“Out the door,” she said shooing you but letting out a slight laugh at your stupid analogy.

--

“Small bills, right?” Betty asked handing over the envelope. He took the envelope checking that it was all there and nodding.

“What can i help you girls with?” he asked.

“We need to look in your records for anything in the year 2006.” Betty answered. The old man motioned for you to follow him and walked you into a storage room with filing cabinets lining the walls and a small desk sitting in the middle. Anything from 2000-now is in this cabinet. Happy snooping.” He said walking out of the room leaving you two to look through everything.

“Well that was easy.” you mumbled. Yout walked over to the file cabinet he said was the one you would need, “Of course the old man wouldn’t have anything organized.” you said rolling your eyes. You flicked through the top drawer while Betty sat on the floor and flicked through the bottom.

“This might take a while.” Betty said closing the drawer she went through.

“Do think the date on the obituary is wrong?” Betty asked.

“I’m not sure. Neither one of them were buried, Tess told me they wanted to be cremated. Johnny said the gang got together and had some kind of ash spreading memorial for the both of them. I only have what Johnny and Tess told me to go by.”

“We could always search the cemetery. Maybe they were buried. They’ve lied to you this long about how and when they died, who’s to say they didn’t lie about burying them too.” Better stated. You pondered for a second realizing that she was right.

“Wait, what’s your dad’s full name again?” She asked.

“Johnathan Daniel Taylor.”

“Never trust a man with three first names.” She said pulling out a file.

“Johnny’s named after him and with all these lies, that statement couldn't be any more true. Did you find it?” She gave you a nod walking over to the desk.

“He was beaten and stabbed pretty badly. He bled out before the ambulance got there. It says that his Serpent tattoo was sliced off.” She paused and looked at you.

“What?” You asked moving closer to look at the file. Betty flipped through the photos and you stopped her, something catching your eye.

“I don’t know. A ‘Q’ maybe.” She said staring at the letter carved into your father’s arm.

“Take pictures of all of this so we can print it out at my house. I’m going to look for my moms again. It has to be in here somewhere.”

“Did she even take your dad’s last name when they got married?”

“I just assumed she did. To be honest, i never saw any wedding pictures.”

“Do you have any idea what her maiden name might’ve been?” Betty asked. You shook your head no, closing the drawer with a loud slam.

“Why can’t we find anything on her for fucks sake.”

“I don’t know, y/n. i wish i could find something to ease your stress.” She walked over to you and hugged you as your angry tears started to fall.

“Maybe i can use all of what we found on my dad as leverage to get information about my mom. I can’t just go in and ask someone at the Wyrm what her last name was. They’d tell Johnny.” you pulled away from Betty and wiped your face, “let’s to go.” You thanked the old man as you walked out to Betty’s car.

“There’s no way you have connections at the Sheriff’s station do you?” You asked Betty hopefully.

“None. We could ask Keller if he has any info but that would risk Kev finding out. We could go talk to Veronica. Her dad is friends with Sheriff Minetta.” She said.

“I’m not sure i want to get mixed up with the Lodge’s. I love Ronnie, but asking her dad to do this will result in me owing him a favor and i don’t want to owe that man anything.” You said. Betty nodded understandingly.

“Can you take me to the Wyrm? My car is still in the shop and i told Sweet Pea i’d be there when i finished helping you and your mom.”

--

Honestly without a friend like Betty, you probably wouldn’t have found out half as much as you did today. She was god’s gift to solving mysteries. When the two of you walked into the Wyrm, the gang was in the middle of a meeting. Jughead and Sweet Pea’s eyes met yours and they rushed over to you.

“Both of you need to get home now.” Jughead said.

“What? Why? What’s going on?” Betty asked concerned.

“Fangs is getting out and they’re rioting. I can’t let anything happen to you but i need to make sure Fangs doesn’t get ripped to pieces. For the love of god, princess, go home and stay there.” Pea pleaded. You cupped his cheek to calm his nerves. He was terrified that something was going to happen to his best friend and with you running around town, he didn’t want to worry about something happening to you,“Yeah, okay.”

“I’ll stay at y/n’s until everything clears up.” Betty told Jug, looking at you to see if that was okay.

“I can meet you at y/n’s house.” Jughead asked, “Keep each other safe.” You and Betty nodded and hugged your significant other’s. Pea gave you a loving kiss on your lips before kissing your forehead and telling you to be safe.

Betty drove through southside and everything seemed fine. Normal. But the second you guys crossed over to the northside, it was pure chaos. Trash cans on fire. People running amuck, angrily waving picket signs around.

“Oh my god.” You whispered looking over at Betty who shared the same shocked and slightly scared expression. Betty cautiously drove through the crowds of people trying to safely get the two of you to your house. When she pulled into your driveway the both of you booked it to your front door.

“Baby? Is that you?” Tessa yelled through the house sounding a little scared herself.

“Yeah, it’s me and Betty!” you called back walking into the living room to find her watching the news to keep updated on everything that’s happening. She rushed to you and hugged you tightly, “Thank god. I was hoping you weren’t going to the station to get Fangs. I know he’s your friend but your safety means more to me.” She said.

“I’m fine. I’m not leaving the rest of the night. Jughead’s coming to pick up Betty later and Sweets will be here soon too.” You told her. You lead Betty upstairs to your room and pulled out everything you had from today. You handed Betty your laptop so she could pull up all the photos she took on her phone using icloud and print them out.

“How are we going to get into the police station to find the reports for that night?” She asked and you sat on your bed looking through everything.

“I don’t know. I’d say with how distracted the police are, right now would be a good time but that would risk us getting caught by Juggie and Sweet Pea. If either of them found out, they’d tell Johnny and this whole thing would be over. Do you think we could get hospital records too? Surely there has to be some report from the ambulance. Maybe someone at the hospital can give me information on my mom since we can’t find anything.”

“We can always go there tomorrow. I doubt with everything going on there going to have school.” You’re phone started ringing catching both yours and Betty’s attention. Reaching for your bag, you grabbed your phone out, “It’s Archie.” Sliding your thumb across the screen to answer the phone, “Hello?”

“y/n. You have to get to the school now. Sweet Pea is on a rampage. He’s trashing the whole place.” His voice was rushed and urgent.

“What happened, Archie?”

“Fangs was shot. Sweet Pea and the other Serpents think it was Reggie, but i promise it wasn’t. Mrs. Klump shot him and she’s at the station now. Just get here and calm him down before he does something even more stupid.” He hung up.

“Pea is trashing the school. Fangs got shot. It was Mrs. Klump but the Serpents think it was Reggie. We have to go.” You guys rushed to put everything away and hide it in your closet so your aunt wouldn’t find it before running down the stairs. You ran past your aunt ignoring her calls for you not to leave, that it was too dangerous.

Betty drove to the school as fast as she could trying not to hit all of the angry idiots running through the streets. When she pulled up the front of the school you hopped out, “Go home. I’ll be with Sweet Pea so i’ll be fine. Text me when you get home.”

“Same to you.” with that she drove off. You turned and ran into the school. It wasn’t hard to find Sweet Pea. Him and other Serpents were in the main hallway trashing everything.

“Sweet Pea!” You yelled seeing him walk down the steps slashing the canvas painting of the school that hung on the wall.

“Get the hell out of here, y/n.” he growled.

“I’m not going anywhere until you calm down and come with me.” You demanded.

“Serpents! Stop!” you heard Archie yell.

“Great” you mumbled to yourself knowing this was only going to fire Sweet Pea up even more.

“Well, fellas, looks like we found some bulldog’s to put down.” he pushed past you and walked to the middle of the hallway meeting Archie, Moose and Kevin halfway. Sweet Pea’s voice didn’t sound like him. It was like a whole other person took over and it scared you a little.

“Sweet Pea, i swear, Reggie didn’t shoot Fangs.” Archie reasoned.

“Bull. i saw Mantle with a gun!” Sweet Pea spat.

“Then you also saw me tackle him before he got a shot off! It was Midge’s mom! She’s down at the station.” Archie tried so hard to reason with Sweet Pea. To get not only him, but you out of the school and home.

“Yeah and Fangs is still clinging to life!” Sweet Pea yelled making you jump slightly, “And whether it was Reggie or Mrs. Klump who pulled the trigger, a Northsider put him there.” He walked over to a trash can and grabbed it, “You took our friend, our land. You’ll take everything if we give you the chance. So now you get to watch as we burn your school to the ground.” He dumped the trash onto the floor and chucked the trash can into the trophy case, right where you were standing, making the glass shatter all over the place. You jumped out of the way letting out a scream. Sweet Pea looked at you, his face softening realizing he almost hit you, “y/n, i’m so sorry, i-” he was cut off by Principal Weatherbee slamming the doors opened, “What the hell do you boys think you’re doing to my school.” before anyone could say anything you ran out of the school, ignoring Sweet Pea who was running after you.

“y/n, stop. Please.” he begged. No matter how angry he was at the world right now, he pushed it aside knowing that he fucked up and let it get too far. He almost hurt you and fixing that was more important.

“y/n, god dammit. Stop running.” he finally caught up to you and grabbed your arm tightly but not so tight that he hurt you. He spun you around to face him.

“Look at me, please.” his voice was full of regret and hurt and his eyes filled with sorrow. You shook your head. You wanted to be angry at him and if you looked into his deep amber eyes, you weren’t going to be able to stay mad at him.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were standing there. I wouldn’t have done that had i known you moved from the stairs.”

“You were too pissed to pay any attention.” You snapped at him. The conversation was cut short when Jughead showed up, wrangling all of the young Serpents to the Wyrm.

--

“I can’t just sit here!” Sweet Pea yelled.

“You don’t have a choice, Sweet Pea, you’re staying put.” Jughead said slamming him into the wall behind him. You sat at the bar, far away from the angry Serpents that surrounded one of the pool tables.

“You said it yourself, the Ghoulies are back! We have to deal with them.” He spat.

“As soon as my dad gets back-”

“Oh, so you’re not our leader all of a sudden. Oh no, that’s right, you’re just the guy who got Fangs shot!”

“Watch it.” Jughead spat at your boyfriend.

“And now Fangs might die! And the Ghoulies are out for our blood because of a drag race you started.” Sweet Pea continued shoving Jughead’s chest.

“An hour. That’s all i’m asking for Sweet Pea.” Jughead negotiated, “In the meantime, why don’t you go make sure your girl is okay. The Ghoulies and the black hood are after her too y’know.” Sweet Pea ignored Jughead as he turned and punched the wall he was shoved up against just moments ago and walked to the back of the bar. Far from where you sat with Toni.

“Hey, you okay?” She asked placing her hand on the hand that was sat in your lap. Your other playing with your straw. You nodded your head, “Yeah, just shook up, i guess.” you told her, shrugging your shoulders.

“What happened?”

“Sweets threw a trash can at my head without realizing i was standing there. And with all this stuff going on right now, i just don’t know what to do.” She nodded giving your hand a squeeze.

“Can you take me home? I’d ask Pea but he’s thinking with his anger right now and i don’t want to deal with all that.” Toni told you to wait at your seat while she went to get her jacket and keys from behind the bar. When she came back the two of you left, going unnoticed.

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[chickenstuffedwithmozzarella]

Hello love!! Oh no. Please dont apologise. It's totally normal that you are busy right now. Especially if you are now staying with your cousin. I hope you are both doing fine and sleeping a good amount of hours! How are you?? Everything is cool? (1)

Hi my lovely flower!!! (My iPad instantly suggested flower when I wrote lovely!!! Yyaaayyyy!!) first of all, sorry for taking me so long to answer you. Between being busy, tumblr that doesn’t told me you had wrote me (I think that’s fixed now) and that I’m shit at being friends… here I am after what? 2 weeks?? So, again, sorry. This is why people gets tired of me :/

Anyway, these past weeks have been a bit :/. It was my cousin’s death’s 2nd anniversary. So, you can imagine. And also, we had like the first family reunion since she left us. And I missed so much. God!! We both used to be like partners in crime at those things. Since we were kids. And I found myself a lot of times asking myself “where is she? She should heard this!” And then remembering why she wasn’t there. But my aunt had a very good day. She laughed so my much with my mom and the rest of my aunts. So, it was good for her at least.

Anyway, I’ll stop with this, bc I’ll make myself cry.

I ’m good. Thanks for asking❤ I went to the beach yesterday and it was greaaaat (although my cousins made fun of me because i was white shining). I really love summer. Do you hate it because it is too hot?? Honestly, if i didnt live near the beach i think i wouldnt like it either. Oh, and yes. I finally got all my results. I had some trouble with some of the teachers (one didnt even correct my exam. He just chose a random mark. Like???? How?) but it all worked out at the end.

Ohhh! Are you tanned yet??? (White shining? I see so little of the sun, that I even have to take vitamin D pills🙄). Yes, I hate bc I’m always sweating, I can’t sleep at night, at the shop we have like 35ºC all day every day, so there’s moments where we can’t even breath. Am I whining? Yes, maybe, but I don’t care, jajajaa. I like the concept of living near the beach on winter, and instead on going to the park with a book, I’d go to the beach. But I don’t like it in the summer,jajajaj.

Your teacher didn’t correct your exam? And I’m guessing yours wasn’t the only one. I’d say they correct 75% of the exams, and the rest they just guess the note… but well, if it worked, I’m very happy for you. You can now relax on the beach all you want. Will you look for a job finally??

JAJAJA. Luckily (or unluckily i dont know what to think) Louis hasnt released anything yet, so you havent missed the drama. I dont want to get excited because then i always get dissapointed but after what happened with Liam yesterday (yayyyyy!🎉🎊) i am just…waiting for the other shoe to drop 👀👀👀👀 Please, do it soon. Give me good news!! (3. Ups. I think i forgot to mark num 2. What a mess)

And Louis hasn’t done anything yet :( have you seen him today?? I saw something in my dash,jajajaja, he at the match. Well, in London, I think. I’ve been so disconnected of tumblr lately!!! Every time I log in I see people talking but I can’t never find what about,lol. I just reblog a pic or two, so my blog isn’t death,lol. 

But did you see the last thing they said about Liam? (Or what I think is the last thing), that his album has been delayed bc he wants to include a song about Cheryl??? I don’t understand why would he, but well, who can understand anything. Anyway, why is always a step forward, and two steps backward?? 

Anyway! Have a good day/week. I miss you and i wish you the beeeest. I’ m sending you lots of love💝💖💞💓😘 (Also, I’m sorry that I just talked about me. I dont want to ask many questions and make you feel pressured to answer or anything like that because i know that you are busy. So…) I dont have cookies this time, but i do have some ice cream here –>🍦🍦🍦. I hope this pleases your inbox and so that this 4 part message reaches you safe and sound. Bye Soraya!😘 (4)

I miss you too!!! (I actually wanted to tell you about missing my cousin back on the day, but I was with the family and then my phone died, so… and like I never think my problems are important to anyone, so I bottle it up inside myself, and I don’t bother anyone) hey! Don’t apologize for talking about yourself, I love hearing things about you! I know you don’t like to share a lot about yourself, so I appreciate every bit of it,jejejeje (but also, dong feel pressured about sharing!!)

How is being the summer for you? how is the weather around there? Os it letting you go to the beach then? Bc here it is being a bit of shit,jajaja (so god for me): raining, storms… LOVELY!!!🤣🤣🤣.

Come to yell at me whenever I’m being elusive, please. And also, come to remind me to take my vitamin d pill this next Sunday, please!! I have to take it every 2 weeks, and I know I’ll forget,lol. 

Thank you so much for “aguantarme”. Wish you the best!! 😚😚😚

[to--love--and--be--loved]

hi mom,

canada is beautiful, as always. grief sucks. and i am so scared.

the grief has been manageable, so far. i feel happiness and joy and other good things between and around the grief. but what happens when i’m no longer in canada, my favorite place on earth? when i’m not surrounded by beautiful nature? i’m afraid of being crushed by it, afraid of trying to carry this weight all by myself and not being able to. i keep thinking about last semester -- how i wasn’t happy for three whole months because of what happened with jack and anagha. i was happy at many points within those three months, of course, but my baseline was unhappy, feeling like shit. and that was just because of jack and anagha. that fact feels like the scariest fact i know.

three years, it seems, is around how long it takes to get through the worst of it: fleabag suggests around three years; jane the virgin suggests around three years; i’m pretty sure i’ve read in various grief articles/etc that three years is about it. (which i like; knowing me, you can surely imagine that i like having a number to plan around.) but one of the other scariest facts i know is that the second year is apparently worse than the first (bc the fact of the death has sunk in more and bc you’ve run out of logistical distractions -- i read this in the comments of an advice column claire sent me, iirc, so it’s not like a Certified Guaranteed True Fact or anything, but still). so i keep thinking, as i cry and grieve and it’s manageable, that eventually the other shoe will drop: it will get worse, or it will just go on like this until this piles up and becomes impossible. i am so afraid about how it will feel next year. i am so afraid that it will be(come) unendurable. that it will be like the three months after jack left the team -- the daily, grinding, exhausting, banally brutal shittiness of it -- except a million times worse. it probably will be exactly like that. i feel tensed with fear, waiting for it to hit me.

and secondly -- the grief has been manageable so far, but what happens when everyone else has moved on and i have not caught up? when people stop being careful with what they say and giving me nice comforting hugs? what happens next summer if more than three minutes of small talk is still exhausting but it’s no longer socially acceptable for me to just sit without talking? you weren’t anybody else’s mom -- dad’s feelings are complicated but it’s not like you were a loving wife he lost; your sisters will miss you, of course, and so will your friends, but nobody else is going to feel this the way i feel it, or for as long.

sandy (god bless him) said “I don't want you to feel any compunction to move forward quickly, or to put on a display of being put-together, for our benefit,” and that helps and i really hope i won’t feel much of that compunction with my close friends, but it doesn’t help with everything because a) not everyone is a close friend, and b) it’s not only about me having to pretend, there’s a separate problem which is everybody else just moving on. my friends -- my wonderful friends who love me, who care about me, who are doing everything they can for me -- are also people with their own lives, and you weren’t their mom. eventually all the people i know (friends, acquaintances, family, everyone) will have new jobs and new grad schools and growing babies/grandkids and will be dating new people and exploring new cities, their lives filled with so many things, and i will be left alone holding this grief. in the not-so-distant future your passing won’t be the first thing people think about when they see/think of me. which maybe i will be happy about -- i have no idea how i’ll feel, really no idea whatsoever; i’m getting ahead of myself as usual, trying to plan for things i have no knowledge of, feeling stupid and clumsy and naive for doing so but unable to stop myself -- but i worry that it might feel like i’ve been left alone again, even if people are supportive once i remind them. all the ladies in the mag hug me when they see me and ask how i’m doing and it’s surprisingly comforting, but i am so scared about next summer, when their first questions will be about school and work and not about you. hopefully people will check in on the big days -- mother’s day, your birthday, the anniversary of your passing. but what about a random tuesday a year from now when for some reason i feel crippled by grief? nobody is going to be thinking about it then except me. ultimately, they all get to be sad for themselves and sad for me and then go somewhere else, go back to their own lives and in most cases their own moms. i don’t know if there’s a worse feeling than loneliness, and i know that i will to some extent be left alone with this grief eventually.

today i feel almost paralyzed by the fear, mom. not quite fear that these things will happen, but more fear of how bad it will be when they do happen. like the fear before a shot -- the shot is not in doubt, the fear is of the hurt of it. each of these things is terrible enough to imagine in my future but both of them at once is even worse. i want you here to listen and smooth back my hair and promise me that it will all be okay.

eta: dread! that’s the word i was looking for. it’s dread.

[afroboydyke]

A VOLTRON PENTATONIX AU?? AKA LANCEYONCE AND CREW

Okay so sit the fuck down everyone I’m documenting this annoying ass dream that has been haunting me for the best few months. 

The Basis: So we all know about Pentatonix, right? (If you don’t, it’s an a capella group that remakes the old songs of famous artists to give them a new sound. They also have a few of their own original pieces). So, basically, imagine the Voltron gang doing this, except not a capella. They remake the tracks and beats to near perfection in order to pull this off.

The group consists of Allura, Pidge, Shay, Hunk, Lance, Keith, and Shiro, with Matt and Coran doing background work. 

Now to the Details.

Lance

Lance is in charge of any and all Beyonce-related performances.

The group itself started with him. He performed to her songs with his own original choreography and everything. Sometimes he would collab with Hunk. 

He picks his own songs

He does nothing half-assed in this group. He’s very nitpicky with lighting and stage set up because he needs to achieve that WOW! factor

Sometimes he goes a little overboard and the team needs to reel him in really quick because they can’t light fireworks on stage

He was disappointed but then he realized glitter and confetti cannons were a much better idea

Because all of Yonce’s songs have a certain feel to him, he chooses based on how his life is going

Happy? Fun? Well-off? TIme to whip out his favorites.

Sad? Had an argument? Where’s his sad stuff at.

Somebody died? Feelings of worhlessnesss? There’s a song for that, too. 

All his outifts are chosen by Shay while Allura does his makeup

These three are besties they do all the styling stuff tgether                

Lance either wears practical shoes or heels there is no in between

Performing in heels is a little harder but he manages because he’s just that good

He was excited to perform “6 Inch” because he had the perfect shoes for that

A lot of the songs he sings are romantic-like so he does a partner dance with Keith

One time the two had gotten into a fight, so he performed the most of the Lemonade album and some of the songs from the 4 album

Keith was in tears and ended up dancing with him again

The crowd went fucking nuts

His favorite songs to perform are probably Partition and any other song with sexual lyrics bc he gets too into it sometimes

Keith loves it but at the same time he blushes really hard

It’s funny to watch

Before a concert he discovers that his uncle died and that hit him hard because they were very close

And yet he still performed but with more passion

And he added the song I Was Here because death is such a sudden thing and he could die any second now just like his uncle did

The others actually played the background instruments for him (cello, piano, ect.)

Lance responds to as many fans as he can on his social media

The boy has Tumblr, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, and he’s the main one who runs the group’s Youtube channel

Sometimes he holds Q and A’s on Periscope 

During interviews he answers nearly everything meant for him

He also makes up the names of his fans and it changes every time

“Sup Lancers”

“How’s it shaking, my Bluebells?”

“What questions are in store for me today, Voltribe?”

It’s out of control

Whenever Lance isn’t performing he’s on back up vocals/dancing

That’s the rules: If it isn’t your turn, you work your ass off with back up and background dancing

If he’s feeling a bit peppy he’ll also certain Jason Derulo songs

Hunk

Let’s establish one thing: If Lance is Beyonce than Hunk is Nicki Minaj

It started off as a joke at first, but Hunk found it really fit with how he felt

And his flow is DOPE so win-win

He performs literally every song out there by her with no shame because Nicki Minaj has been his Girl for Years and she gives him confidence

His outfits slay all the time. All. The. Time. 

They’re pretty much renditions of Nicki Minaj’s own performance outfits, but designed to make him feel comfortable

Shay helps him tailor all his outfits and even designs them sometimes

He prefers boots and sneakers when performing because heels kill his feet

His favorite song to perform is the Flawless remix with Lance because they kill everyone within a 20 ft radius

The choreography is his favorite as well

He even installs fire things to shoot flames up from the stage

He also has a really nice voice, but he prefers to rap than sing since he’s better with low notes

Sometimes he collabs with Shay, who’s the group’s other prime rapper

They’re fire onstage and off

Hunk loves Feeling Myself a lot because his confidence rises

So many people find it odd that Nicki Minaj is his persona

Hunk is so kind and timid?? He’s very smart and not one who curses unless very angry or upset

But when he’s rapping he gets all flashy and bold and suddenly he’s cursing all the time very clearly

His moms come to every concert, along with the McClain parents because they love supporting their sons together

Hunk’s moms always jokingly scold him about how provocatively he dresses and his potty mouth but they really don’t care

They smother him in kisses and gifts and flowers 

Once, for their anniversary, Hunk asked Lance to perform “Ring Off” for his moms while he put together a video collage in their honor

The song fits their relationship so well

They cried very hard

When the Moana soundtrack was released, he got his own night to perform the whole thing with his family

He loved the event; it was the first time his whole family had done something together in such a long time

Hunk also helps Pidge and Coran with technical stuff likes lights and smoke affects

At interviews he takes shit from nobody and likes to brag about all the times he’s been right

Spoiler Alert: It’s a lot

He also shares embarrassing stories of the team 

A lot of the gossip actually comes from him tbh

“Spoiler alert: there may or may not be a surprise performance some time soon.”

“A little birdie told me that two of our members are getting a little buddy buddy, so look out for updates on that.”

“Oh, y’all are gonna LOVE my outfit for the next tour. It’s gonna be lit.”

The outfit was, in fact, on fire.

Allura

To complete the Power Trio, Allura is Rihanna

Sorry I don’t make the rules

Except I do lmao

This role originally was gonna go to Shay but then Shay realized she loved to rap so Allura hopped on it

Allura loves Rihanna fashion choices 

A lot of her outfits are based off of RiRi actually

Her favorite album has got to be the ANTI album

It’s a masterpiece 

Just so well written

Best songs ever

The fans love when Allura comes on stage because she provokes so much emotion and her voice carries so well

Not to mention her British accent gives a different feel from Rihanna’s Barbadian one

She has a very diverse cast of fans and probably recieves the most fanmail out of everyone

Lance and Hunk are second

Lance is Bitter

Shay’s third

 Keith, Pidge, and Shiro are tied for fourth

All of her songs are choreographed by herself

Her makeup artist is either Lance or Shay

Depends on who wins the coin toss that day

With Shay her eyeliner is swoopy and sharp with rinestones 

With Lance it’s artsy eye makeup and glitter

Allura likes both

All of her outifts are planned from the the top to the socks she wants to wear

Her hair is so long that it makes styling it very easy?? Like she has so many options

If she doesn’t style it herself than either Shiro or Coran does because they always have great ideas

For every performance, Allura opens with a quote related to what songs she plans to perform

Everyone thinks their from philosophers or something but really she’s quoting tumblr posts

She has the same social media as Lance, and they often compete for followers and such

All of her stuff is very pastel space

The pink marks under her eyes are in fact tattoos

She got them along with Coran for her 18th birthday 

They’re her trademark

Nobody knows if her hair is natural or dyed at first

It’s naturally really bright she just added highlights to it

When not performing, Allura is Lance’s number one backup singer

Sometimes Lance will let her perform Beyonce songs

Specifically Who Runs The World (Girls) bc that’s her actual anthem and Lance feels disrespectful 

And Daddy Lessons, which makes her emotional

Both she and Lance sing Pretty Hurts together because it applies to both of them 

Allura and Lance have a contest for who’s the Better ‘Yonce

Lance wins

Lance and Allura are constantly accused of being siblings due to their bond

It’s a running gag in the fandom for quite sometime until Lance breaks the rumors

Some of her songs involve couple dances with Shiro

It’s amazing watching them interact with one another because they’re so gentle with each other and their love is so Real that it almost seems like you’re intruding on a moment

At interviews, Allura is constantly bragging about how strong she is 

“Hunk and I are clearly the strongest ones here. We haven’t determined who holds reigning title, however.”

The two them proceed to arm wrestle.

It’s a tie

Everyone is crying. Everyone.

Sometimes, if she’s feeling it, she’ll do Marina and the Diamonds

Everyone takes a back seat to her then because she absolutely slays

Pidge

Pidge doesn’t normally sing but when she does it’s Hayley Kiyoko

Pidge loves her 

Very much

She probably dresses the most simple out of them all 

Her main style is shorts with stockings or knee socks and a loose fitting top

She let’s her hair grow out to her shoulders

She appreciates both long and short hair, and finds this a happy medium for her

She sports an undercut and the fans go crazy

Everybody finds Pidge adorable and most girls her age want to be her

Glitter! All over her eyes! Brings out the green!

Is either wearing glasses or contacts but mostly contacts

Pidge’s style is definitely K-Pop Idol

She’s a great dancer and does tons of flips 

Everybody loves throwing her in the air

Pidge is in charge of all music and technology and such. Everything must be run by her  

She adds the best effects to performances and is constantly praised

Pidge has social media too but it’s limited to Twitter and Instagram

Her livestreams are by far the fan favorite

It’s full of her pulling pranks and giving sneak peeks into practices and making bets

“Lmao ten bucks Lance is gonna be tripped by Allura”

He is, in fact, tripped by Allura

“You all owe me at our next concert

She films bloopers for the YouTube page

Most of the bloopers are of her and Keith screaming about aliens and Shiro favoriting her

Sometimes it’s Matt being an idiot

One time she temporarily dyes her hair a pastel green color

She loves it

Keith

Like Pidge, Keith doesn’t sing much. He mainly aids in choreographing performances

He’s been perfecting his dancing for years and has the smoothest rhythm 

When he does perform, Keith’s specialty is P!ATD

He’s emo okay

And Brendon Urie is his first celebrity crush so why not pay tribute to him

Keith gets an undercut with Pidge

It’s not his favorite style so when he grows his hair out again he grows it out long

Longer than originally

Keith’s makeup is limited to eyeliner done by Shiro

His outfits have to be the exact ones in all of Brendon’s videos

“You guys don’t understand if I don’t have the top hat and red suit how can I do “I Write Sins Not Tragedies?”

“Keith, you’re going overboard”-Lance

“You have N O ROOOM TO TALK”

When doing interviews, he also has the KPop Idol look

It drives the fans insane

He secretly loves the attention

He probably has the loudest songs out of everyone but he appreciates it

Everybody loves dancing to his choreography

He doesn’t like social media but still has a Tumblr and Instagram

They aren’t for the group though they’re for his conspiracy theories

Pidge Co-runs the tumblr account and has her own cryptid Insta

His live streams consist of the group cryptid hunting together 

If he does post to the group’s YouTube account it’s for cryptids or a sneek peak of some choreography

Sometimes he lets Lance do his makeup and post it on the channel

He loves to choreograph for Lance specifically because it always somehow involves him

Partition is probs his favorite too for obvious reasons

Shay

Shay’s the universal rapper of the group though she mainly does Drake

Shay just seems like a Drake fan so-

Still she does other rappers since she isn’t very picky

Shay’s outfits mirror Drake as well, though adding her little twist and touches to them

Most of the time Lance and Allura help her with clothes

Her makeup always deals with earth tone or stars there is no in between

She lives for glitter and small jewels

And she’s always wearing a necklace and earrings

Shay’s flow is even better than Hunk’s can you believe it

Hunk can

ANYWAY

Shay loves collaborating with others, specifically Hunk and Allura

She’s very loud and boisterous on stage but off stage she’s kind and quiet

Kinda like that friend who’s very meek in public but wild at parties with close friend

Very passionate about her dream

She’s also in charge of keeping everybody on schedule because nobody follows schedules like she does

Sometimes she’ll do small rituals to ensure good luck for performances

They have yet to fail her

At interviews she’s always really peppy and happy to answer questions

One of the fans asked if  she’s dating Hunk

“Oh no, I’m just a rock he admires very much”

The crowd is confused but the group gets it and starts picking fun

Shay bonds with everybody on the team and it’s great 

She and Matt talk about space for long periods of time on end it’s crazy

With Shiro it’s how pretty Allura is and how much he wants to fling himself into the sun

Also about the other team members

Allura literally politics and makeup and 

Lance it’s Spanish dancing and the ocean

Keith it’s Lance and like random shit

“What if Coran was in a gang”-Keith probably

“Dude,,, we have to investigate”-Shay

Hunk it’s lovey couple stuff and rocks and food and really cool movies

Pidge it’s plans for the next concert

Coran it’s schedules and stories

She loves having such a big and supportive family

Shiro

Bruno Mars. That’s it.

Shiro bops to Bruno Mars like it’s his religion 

Wears rolled up sleeves and jeans with sneakers forever 

His eyeliner is sharper than everyone elses and he takes pride

Fans eat him up

They love his “dad-like” personality

Sometimes some of them bring him cookies and such backstage

He takes them because who passes up free food??

Seems like dad, is actually 12 

Seriously, he causes most of the food fights 

And he’s always making bets with Pidge and Matt

But he’s still responsible when needed

He does his own choreography and everything what a man

Once he did a split in the middle of Uptown Funk and everybody lost their shit

Even the group

They just all started laughing while Shiro continues to strut his shit

Shiro’s snapchat is full of videos of him and the team

Half the time he’s screwing around with Matt

Other half he’s posting death jokes

Nobody is phased by this anymore 

They’re so used to it

“I want a light to fall from the cieling, knocking me out instantly”

“Yeah Shiro we get it you wanna die now help me stretch”

He probably has the most questions asked at interviews

Most of them are “Will you be my daddy”

“…I’m everybody’s dad”

“But only Allura’s daddy”- Lance

“Say your goodbyes to Lance because he done fucked up, kids”

His favorite album is probably 24k Magic bc he feels fly as fuck

Imagine him proposing to Allura with “Marry You”

Everybody knows except for Allura and she literally sobs when he gets down on one knee and pulls out a ring

It’s epic

Pidge once suggested putting a confetti canon in his prosthetic

Although he would like to Allura said no so-

He still does it anyway

Matt

Matt’s a fucking Meme

He handles booking places and unwanted press

And he co-owns the YouTube Channel with Lance

The place is meme central nobody can believe it

He also has a snapchat and Twitter

Live streams happen every week

Most of the time he’s just screwing around the tour bus/ hotel rooms it’s hilarious really

He dresses like a tired college student all the time it’s great

He’s friends with everybody

With Shiro he’s literally goofing off half the time

They rival Hunk and Lance for best bros of the year

Half time time his story is filled with ugly pictures of Shiro

With Allura he’s spreading Shiro gossip and doing her hair

Lance + Matt = Hardcore memes and suffering

Pidge it’s the normal sibling stuff

He once picked Pidge up and threw her

“Y E E T”

Hunk it’s techno stuff and like animals

Keith it’s sharing stories about Shiro and how he’s not from this planet

They plan “experiments” to expose him for the alien he is

They fail

With Coran he helps to clean everything because these people are pigs it’s terrible

And when he’s with Shay they’re literally memeing together but on a lower scale

He helps her withh her style and stuff

When Pidge is on stage he’s handling the lights and shit

One time he got stuck in the lights for the whole concert

When asked where he was, he fell straight into Shiro’s arms

Shiro dropped him

Makes the most jokes

Coran

Team Aunt

Takes the group out for victory dinners

Buys sweaters for everyone

Let’s you do whatever you want as long as it’s legal

Because he’s a retired dancer he’ll step in sometimes and lend a hand

Cooks when Hunk doesn;t

And it’s not bad

But Hunk is just better sorry Coran

The group’s body guard

Literally he dropkicked a loser for eyeing Pidge the wrong way

“Coran was that necessary”

“Not but, as Lance would say, it was dope”

Groan

He also handles press coverage and makes sure all venues check out before Matt goes to book them

Lance is his favorite and it’s insane

Lance: “Hey Coran can I have like fifty dollars?” 

“Of course!!

Allura: “Hey Coran can I borrow 20 dollars”

“Sorry I don’t have any money.”

Will treat everyone to a shoppinf spree every once in a while

Loves everybody like they’re his own and assures parents that they are Okay and In Good hands

Also almost blew up the tour bus and ran like three red lights

Extras

Lance, Shay, and Allura went through a KPop phase

BTS, EXO, GOT7, Red Velvet, MAMAMOO, TWICE, BLACKPINK

They freak out all the time and scream

Meanwhile Keith and Shiro are KPop veterans

“Hah, losers.”

One time they all learned the choreography to “Monster” and posted it to the YouTube channel

Matt sat in the background and screamed random things

Slumber parties all night every night

When they tour they literally get one giant hotel room

Couples each get an hour to themselves throughout the day and then they meet at night to sleep

It’s not even sleeping it’s taking ugly pictures and face masks and nightly rituals and love

They wake up: Shiro, Coran, Shay, Allura, Pidge, Keith, Hunk, Lance, Matt

They go to sleep: Coran, Hunk, Matt, Keith, Lance, Shay, Pidge, Allura, Shiro

Every award they win everyone’s family comes together and they have a very large dinner

The group is called Voltron (how original lmao)

Fans are part of the Voltribe 

I’ll add more if I come up with anything else

[lichfucker]

lmao so since we had a snow day today health services was closed so my psych couldn’t write me a prescription so now I need to wake up super early tomorrow and call health services to see if one of the other docs can write me a prescription that I can bring home and idk if it’ll even be possible bc new york has completely phased out paper prescriptions like legally it has to be sent to the pharmacy electronically but the pharmacy at home I have to use since I can’t go to cvs anymore is a really small, old-school, independent pharmacy and idk if they’re even equipped to take electronic prescriptions so ideally I would just have a paper prescription to give them but idk if I’ll be able to get one and there’s still a chance that none of them will be able to write me a scrip at all, either paper or electronic, and if that happens then I’ll be out of meds completely until tuesday and the last time I had to go off a couple days bc I ran out (which !! I wasn’t even completely off, I just staggered them for a couple days instead of taking them both every day so I wouldn’t completely run out, and I fucking timed it out this time so that I could have gotten my scrip two days ago and I would have been covered but that didn’t happen) it was yom kippur and it was the anniversary (on the hebrew calendar) of mom’s death so I was fasting and grieving and taking my meds sub-optimally and I honestly almost died but I don’t have enough left to stagger them this time, I’ve only got enough for tomorrow and then I’m completely out, which is why I tried to get it on tuesday but I couldn’t because I can’t get them from cvs anymore because OUR NEW FUCKING INSURANCE DOESN’T COVER CVS AS A PHARMACY and all of this is in addition to our new insurance covering neither the psychiatrist I see when I’m not at school nor my therapist (I’m still seeing my therapist but it’s more expensive now) and I just. I hate the entire medical establishment so fucking much

[jjmarieantoinette-blog]

14/3

Physically exhausting, mentally definitely not stable day to sum up but I am going to skip the good parts I felt happy and greater than most of the days today to be honest but now I am alone sitting in my bed, lights off lavender candle on, it’s 23.27 pm and I am drowning in my thoughts again.

I started thinking about what real love is a lot lately. And I am always coming up to the point that I decide, if you care about one’s happiness as much as yours and truly most of the time even more, that’s love. I love mom, dad well that’s obvious but that made me realize one more thing I love him. I mean I L O V E him. This is not the easiest words for someone like me as I am so arrogant and selfish most of the time but yes. 

At the very beginning, there was this guy who I met exactly one year ago. Well, I of course knew him thanks to instagram but we actually talked that day-I do not exactly remember as I was drunk but that was what I told- So, the med day has also a different importance for me as I met my first -and I really hope to be the last- love. I totally remember waking up at 15th and he replied to one of the stupid stories I posted like ‘God why am I there’ I was like ‘Seriously what is he doing there’ and don’t remember my exact reply but I definitely didn’t think things were going to end up like this. I guess that’s the miracle of life lol.

About 2(?) months later, I -again- remember my exact feelings. I felt alone literally all the time, and seriously thought that I will never ever have real feelings for someone and I am always getting sick and tired and I will never settle on and have a nice life with the guy I love and be happy. Yeah those stuff were soooo far away from me and I always thought that I can spend my time now like that but I’ll never truly be happy. Anyway when I felt like that I always had the exact same routine. Binge eating, purging, crying to the bones of myself, facewash, cry again A LOT, calm down, listen to some Chopin optionally op9.2, and read Little Prince in French as I was taking the course. Oh my God little prince thank you for not only being the best book ever but somehow you made me meet him. I posted some French quotes. I remember it being about how you can not see the true love with eyes but only with heart. (So cute isn’t it?) And he wrote something and I was like ‘Wow so you know to speak French’ and the answer was typical him thinking about it now ‘well, nope’

The night you get to know each other, can not sleep because the conversation is going so well and you are having nice time thinking seriously how he is like that?. Yes, today marking almost 10 months inside the relationship, I truly can say that that was one of our best talks. You weren’t icecold as I though. Who can say that typical instagram dm flirting would make us come along all this path?

First date, you drinking black coffee, me thinking you’re hot. I was able to talk for hours without checking my phone. 

2nd, starbucks, deciding seeing Avengers, me destroying my car fuck me.

Eymir, bike riding, me taking your photos, you talking about your life and getting scared of a fucking tiny water snail thing lol.

Beytepe, sitting on bare grass, I love how you made me listen your spotify playlists and we just sat there. first kiss, heartbeats super fast. We also made out for a couple of times in the car there i guess lol. I was always like ‘he is good at this’ but ‘nope we are not in a relationship nope’

ODTU, you going back to 34, not boyfriend yet, sitting on grass, thinking how cute you are.

Beytepe, stadium at night, listening to music, talking about religions and life and death and some serious stuff. I didn’t agree with you all the time but seriously that day I was amazed how you explained yourself. Lying on the grass on your knees, looking at the stars. (We did a LOT of sitting on the grass thing)

Beytepe, yeah again, playing volleyball, you sucking at it, you rolling some stupid round things, me thinking ‘Fuck, I am faling in love fuckfuckfuck’

Your house, us, for the first time. So much pain, definitely worth it, we belonging to each other. And confession: that day deep down I hoped that you’ll be the only person I do this with.

IKEA trip, your new house plant fantasy.

Your house, fighting, me crying and thinking if it is possible to hate and love someone that much at the fucking same time.

Library times together, fuck med school seriously I hate what it does to us.

Beytepe, having our first son but he is a frog and he definitely is not cute but at least he is with us. I was sad when I left him. one of the best memories. That day I thought how I love watching you laughing.

Phone calls, me opening up to you about my bulimia thing. That topic is kinda hard to talk so I am skipping it.

Meeting your mom, omg still can’t believe as it really is a big deal to me. I always wanted to ask if I was the 1st person for you doing this. 

My house, making letter, penis and vagina cookies. Heaven in my mouth.

Coffee fest, I love watching you when you are doing something you actually like.

The time I got a fever, at your house, you doing weird stuff to me with towels. I love you and thank you for that I had shower like 4 times in 2 days.

TOBB, me getting iron supplement thing, I was SO mad at you those days and it took a long time to get over but I am feeling good now anyway you were with me and we took stupid selfies.

Late night Anıtkabir, all I can remember was how sick and cold I was urgh, skipping.

Us getting drunk together oMG that’s one of the funniest nights, you were SO stupid I have no idea how I drove and got back to home that day omg and we had some great drunk sex lol.

-I’m skipping loads of school and your (tbh I’d prefer calling it our) home memories bc they are sooooo much-

Christmas shopping, wearing Santa hat and stupid but cosy sweaters, me thinking how excited I am to be with you on a new year.

You coming to pick me for a coffee at 1st Jan, AND YOU RAN AWAY WHEN YOU SEE DOGS. That’s enough for that day.

oOOOH, ice skating and you sucking at it.

And, bowling and you TRULY sucking at it.

God I can’t continue this because I seriously am crying as I am so extra emotional from the doctor stress and we not being able to talk and hug and spend time a lot lately. I don’t know if I am not strong enough to survive depressions but I do know that I hate being alone. By being alone, I don’t mean other temporary people. I mean being without you. (You can not believe the amount of tears coming out of my eyes right now.)

But the fact is even when we can’t see each other a lot, or talk, deep down I am always aware of you loving me-me loving you. We had to go through hard times with fighting all the time with all the crying and screaming and I cannot guarantee that that will never happen again. But I can say that I will be loving you so much when we fight. I care about you, I do not want to let go, I want to have all those amazing feelings that I wrote about all my life. I don’t want some ‘Yeah I’m getting bored and life will change for both of us so let’s split up’ kind of relationship. That’s it. Not the perfect version because of the life conditions but I am living a dream with you. I am not sure if you can see the amount of hard work I put in us and maybe I am not seeing what you all did for us. 

I just am sure that I love you. That scares me some days because I feel it to my bones sometimes. Sometimes a thing you do breaks my heart so much I cry for hours. Or when I can’t focus on what I do when we argue. Those stuff really scare me. I am scared of the things I would do not to lose you. Having feelings is bad those times.

But most of the times, you, not doing anything, just existing at the same location with me makes me smile. You hugging me makes me smile. You saying that you love me makes me happiest person alive. The dreams of future including you excites me so much. I just can not wait to spend more time with you. Happy meeting anniversary if this is a thing. 

-yeah so I am saying it without doubts-

‘Queen-Love of my life’

[gunboatbaylodge]

Things to Do this Weekend in Vancouver: November 2, 2017

This weekend the Winter Farmers Market is back on, Ballet BC has launched their first program of the season, rugby and football are in the stadiums, a world of music has arrived in the city, and the director of the Carl Sagan Institute helps answer questions about our universe.

Friday | Saturday | Sunday | Ongoing

Friday November 3

Ballet BC Program 1

Ballet BC Program 1 Where: Queen Elizabeth Theatre What: Ballet BC Resident Choreographer Cayetano Soto, a visionary of contemporary ballet, will premiere an original work. Highly-acclaimed choreographer Johan Inger has a legacy of work in major companies all over the world. Following the success of Walking Mad, Inger returns to Ballet BC with the North American premiere of B.R.I.S.A. Runs until: Saturday November 4, 2017

Canada vs. The Maori All Blacks Rugby Where: BC Place Stadium What: Don’t miss this international rugby match as thousands of fans from across the country and around the world will gather to watch Canada take on one of the most beloved and feared teams in the sport today. Witness the Maori All Blacks perform their world famous “Haka”, a traditional war cry and challenge from the Maori people of New Zealand that has become iconic at New Zealand’s international rugby matches.

ISCM World Music Days Where: Various Locations What: Each year this festival is hosted by a different city, and this year Vancouver is the place to be to hear new music from global musicians. There are talks, orchestra, percussionists, strings, and there might even be something unlike anything you’ve ever heard before. Runs until: Wednesday November 8, 2017

Missing | Photo Credit: Emily Cooper

Missing Where: The York Theatre What: With libretto by distinguished First Nations playwright Marie Clements, Missing addresses the national crisis and devastation of Canada’s missing and murdered aboriginal women and girls. Set between Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside and BC’s notorious Highway of Tears, this deeply-moving drama follows the fate of two young women, one Indigenous and one not, whose lives become tragically intertwined. Runs until: Saturday November 11, 2017

Lecture: Are We Alone in the Universe? Where: MacMillan Space Centre What: Thousands of exoplanets have been discovered over the last two decades. How can we determine which of these might be suitable for life? Dr. Lisa Kaltenegger, director of the Carl Sagan Institute at Cornell University, will discuss techniques and missions that could detect life on these worlds.

Vancouver Asian Film Festival Where: Cineplex Odeon International Village Cinemas What: The VAFF program continues to showcase the breadth and depth of Asian diaspora filmmaking beyond mainstream film festival offerings, with programming that reflects the increasingly borderless creative and industry sensibility of Canada’s west coast. Runs until: Sunday November 5, 2017

Revolutionary Rising: The Soviet Film Vanguard Where: The Cinematheque What: November marks the 100th anniversary of Russia’s October Revolution, an event that revolutionized the world of cinema. This creative explosion was both state sponsored and avant-garde. While it was undeniably intended to extol the virtues of the Revolution and advance the Soviet project, it was also, if not immune from official criticism or censorship, still relatively free of the creative shackles that would hamper (and imperil) artists after the early 1930s, when, under Stalin’s tightening grip, there was stricter enforcement of Socialist Realism, with its disdain for “formalism,” as the approved Soviet aesthetic. Runs until: Sunday November 19, 2017

Umbrella Party

Umbrella Party Where: Vancouver Art Gallery Plaza What: The rainiest, outdoor urban dance party in history (if the weather cooperates) with happy beats powered by SOUNDBOKS and an army of umbrellas.

Girls Like That Where: Templeton Secondary School What: What would you do if a naked photograph of you went viral and you couldn’t stop the rumours from going wild?In this award-winning play by Canadian-British playwright Evan Placey, a young girl named Scarlett becomes the center of attention, but for reasons she’d prefer not to be, and she chooses to stay silent, leading to an unexpected but dramatic conclusion. Runs until: Friday November 10, 2017

Smart People Where: Studio 16 What: On the eve of Barack Obama’s 2008 Presidential Election, four hyper-intelligent Cambridge residents find that, despite their best intentions upon broaching the subject, the topic of race is a treacherous one, full of stumbles and wrong turns. Runs until: Saturday November 18, 2017

Abstract Design Showcase

Abstract Design Showcase Where: Kimoto Gallery What: This exhibition features eleven of Kimoto Gallery’s most popular abstract artists; Scott Sueme, Christine Breakell-Lee, Sara Genn, Mark Ollinger, Claire Sarfeld, Yorke Graham, Veronica Plewman, Michael Soltis, Kari Kristensen Christian Nicolay and Katsumi Kimoto. Each driven by their own authentic styles and innovative art practices, this curated exhibition showcases artwork that was inspired by modern trends in design and contemporary interiors. Runs until: Saturday November 25, 2017

Hard Rubber Riot Ensemble

Hard Rubber Riot Ensemble Where: Roundhouse Performance Centre What: A multi-media work-in-progress that tells the story of the shocking and destructive Vancouver hockey riot of 2011 that brought hundreds of arrests and millions of dollars of destruction. 

Honouring Reconciliation: Hearing the Truth Where: West Vancouver Memorial Library What: Join a moderated panel discussion intended to engage community members in dialogue, increase understanding of our shared history and explore the meaning of reconciliation on a national, community and individual level.

A Piece of My Heart Where: The PAL Theatre What: A drama about a group of female Vietnam war veterans. Runs until: Sunday November 12, 2017

  Saturday November 4

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Vancouver Tea Festival Where: Chinese Cultural Centre What: Explore the world of tea, interact with like-minded tea lovers, and taste extraordinary examples of one of the world’s most beloved beverages. Runs until: Sunday November 5, 2017

BC Lions vs. Toronto Argonauts

BC Lions vs. Toronto Argonauts Where: BC Place Stadium What: Watch some East vs. West football.

Winter Farmers’ Market

Winter Farmers Market Where: Nat Bailey Stadium What: Each week you can look forward to finding locally grown vegetables and fruit, meat and seafood from local ranchers and fishermen, artisan cheese and bread, herbs and seasonal nursery items, baked goods, prepared foods and artisanal craft. Runs until: April 21, 2018 (Saturdays)

Kelp Forests and Sea Otters Are Way Cool Because… Where: Beaty Biodiversity Museum What: Join Jenn Burt, a marine ecologist at Simon Fraser University, to share in the scientific journey that explores the magical underwater world of kelp, sea urchins, sea stars and fish, and also hear some of the stories shared by coastal Indigenous people through a unique collaborative project that explores their relationship to sea otters and their experience of the rapid changes that sea otters bring to their coastal territories.

Intangible Curator’s Tour Where: Bill Reid Gallery What: A tour of Intangible: Memory and Innovation in Coast Salish Art by exhibition curators, Sharon Fortney and Beth Carter as part of the Heart of the City Festival.

The Dream of Gerontius

The Dream of Gerontius Where: The Orpheum What: Elgar’s massive but deeply personal work, based on a Victorian poem by Cardinal John Henry Newman, follows a devout, dying everyman character on a journey through death to meet his maker, before being taken to Purgatory with the promise of everlasting life and glory to come.

East Van Opry Where: The Rio What: Local roots, country, old time, and bluegrass, as well as a few boundary pushers and local heroes. The Harpoonist & The Axe Murder will take the Opry stage for the first time, along with Yukon’s Kim Beggs, East Van’s own Geoff Berner, CR Avery, and many more.

Current Swell

Current Swell Where: The Commodore Ballroom What: Canadian indie rock band from Victoria.

Vancouver Health Show Where: Vancouver Convention Centre What: Learn about GMO vs. Non-GMO products, vegan lifestyle, gluten-free products, fitness, pain relief, heart & eye health, cholesterol, raw diets and more. Runs until: Sunday November 5, 2017

East Side Flea Where: The Ellis Building What: 50+ local vendors, makers, vintage sellers, oddity finders. Play pinball and pool. All this, with a bar! Runs until: Sunday November 5, 2017

Burnaby Shoreline Cleanup

Burnaby Shoreline Cleanup Where: Burnaby, BC What: A local Vancouver dads meet-up group is hosting a free event partnered with WWF and the Vancouver Aquarium to clean up a Burnaby shoreline. It’s open to all (not just dads) so singles, moms, dads, aunts and uncles + grandparents and everything and anyone in between is welcome to pick up trash and then join a BBQ.

$ uicideboy$

$ uicideboy$ Where: The Vogue What: Hip hop from New Orleans.

  Sunday November 5

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CanZine Where: 149 West Hastings What: Broken Pencil Magazine’s festival of zines and underground culture.

Raffi

Raffi Where: Queen Elizabeth Theatre What: Straight from our childhoods, singing about baby belugas and a bananaphone. I’m not sure who will love this show more, children or us adults who grew up with Raffi records and cassette tapes.

Guided Mushroom Walk

Guided Mushroom Walk Where: Beaty Biodiversity Museum What: Do you know where to look to find the dozens of mushrooms species that call our campus home? Beaty Museum Members are invited to join our Fungi Curator Mary Berbee to learn more about how to identify different mushroom types and where to look for them.

King Krule

King Krule Where: The Vogue What: A British singer, rapper, songwriter, record producer, and musician.

The Vancouver Artists’ Guild 18th Annual Show and Sale Where: Jericho Hill Centre What: The public is invited to browse over 500 original works of art by more than 30 talented local artists. Featured will be abstracts, landscapes and still life using a wide variety of media – from oils and acrylics to watercolour and mixed media.

  Ongoing

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Circle Craft Christmas Market Preview Exhibit

Circle Craft Christmas Market Preview Exhibit Where: Net Loft building on Granville Island What: Circle Craft Gallery’s Fall exhibit is giving Circle Craft Christmas Market lovers a sneak peek. Exhibitors in the Preview exhibition are: East Van Jam, G Ceramic & Co, Ludviks Designs, Lulu Fiedler, Market Canvas Leather, Misheo, Rosewell Woodworking, Susie Benes, and Yifat Jovani. Runs until: Thursday November 2, 2017

Ballet BC Program 1

Ballet BC Program 1 Where: Queen Elizabeth Theatre What: Ballet BC Resident Choreographer Cayetano Soto, a visionary of contemporary ballet, will premiere an original work. Highly-acclaimed choreographer Johan Inger has a legacy of work in major companies all over the world. Following the success of Walking Mad, Inger returns to Ballet BC with the North American premiere of B.R.I.S.A. Runs until: Saturday November 4, 2017

Honour: Confessions of a Mumbai Courtesan Where: The Cultch What: A testament to the humanity and lives of sex workers; a mother’s plea for her daughter’s life and her honour; a story of the struggles of an unlikely family. See Mumbai’s red light district — the eunuch, priest, pimp, mother and daughter who call it home — come to life through the versatile and award-winning performance of Dipti Mehta. Runs until: Saturday November 4, 2017

Thanks For Giving Where: Arts Club Theatre What: While Nan bastes the turkey and prepares the stuffing, her husband hides a freshly hunted bear in the garage and her troublesome daughter is raiding her purse again. To top it all off, her grandchildren have chosen this Thanksgiving to disclose some unexpected personal truths to the family.  Runs until: Saturday November 4, 2017

Heart of the City Festival

Heart of the City Festival Where: Vancouver’s Downtown East Side What: Twelve days of music, stories, songs, poetry, cultural celebrations, films, theatre, dance, processions, spoken word, workshops, discussions, gallery exhibitions, mixed media, art talks, history talks and history walks. Runs until: Sunday November 5, 2017

Vancouver Asian Film Festival Where: Cineplex Odeon International Village Cinemas What: The VAFF program continues to showcase the breadth and depth of Asian diaspora filmmaking beyond mainstream film festival offerings, with programming that reflects the increasingly borderless creative and industry sensibility of Canada’s west coast. Runs until: Sunday November 5, 2017

Vancouver Tea Festival Where: Chinese Cultural Centre What: Explore the world of tea, interact with like-minded tea lovers, and taste extraordinary examples of one of the world’s most beloved beverages. Runs until: Sunday November 5, 2017

ISCM World Music Days Where: Various Locations What: Each year this festival is hosted by a different city, and this year Vancouver is the place to be to hear new music from global musicians. There are talks, orchestra, percussionists, strings, and there might even be something unlike anything you’ve ever heard before. Runs until: Wednesday November 8, 2017

Missing

Missing Where: The York Theatre What: With libretto by distinguished First Nations playwright Marie Clements, Missing addresses the national crisis and devastation of Canada’s missing and murdered aboriginal women and girls. Set between Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside and BC’s notorious Highway of Tears, this deeply-moving drama follows the fate of two young women, one Indigenous and one not, whose lives become tragically intertwined. Runs until: Saturday November 11, 2017

The Lonesome West Where: Pacific Theatre What: Brothers Coleman and Valene can’t seem to co-exist without sudden outbreaks of violence over the pettiest concerns. When their doubt-ridden parish priest attempts to bring reconciliation, their confessions quickly turn from earnest offerings into weapons in a hilarious and dark race to the bottom. Runs until: Saturday November 11, 2017

Diwali in BC

Diwali in BC Where: Various locations What: In it’s first year, Diwali in BC will explore the artistic theme of Shakti – feminine power – through theatre, dance, film, and culturally specific workshops. The programming will feature works primarily created by women, including Academy Award-nominated Canadian director Deepa Mehta, Dora Award-winning playwright Pamela Mala Sinha, Dr. Aparna Sindhoor along with her pioneering South Asian Contemporary Dance Theatre company Navarasa Dance Theater, rising South Asian award-winning actress Dipti Mehta, and classical dance theatre artist Arno Kamolika. Runs until: Thursday November 16, 2017

Smart People Where: Studio 16 What: On the eve of Barack Obama’s 2008 Presidential Election, four hyper-intelligent Cambridge residents find that, despite their best intentions upon broaching the subject, the topic of race is a treacherous one, full of stumbles and wrong turns. Runs until: Saturday November 18, 2017

Revolutionary Rising: The Soviet Film Vanguard Where: The Cinematheque What: November marks the 100th anniversary of Russia’s October Revolution, an event that revolutionized the world of cinema. This creative explosion was both state sponsored and avant-garde. While it was undeniably intended to extol the virtues of the Revolution and advance the Soviet project, it was also, if not immune from official criticism or censorship, still relatively free of the creative shackles that would hamper (and imperil) artists after the early 1930s, when, under Stalin’s tightening grip, there was stricter enforcement of Socialist Realism, with its disdain for “formalism,” as the approved Soviet aesthetic. Runs until: Sunday November 19, 2017

King Charles III Where: Arts Club Theatre What: His time has finally come. The queen is dead and Charles ascends the throne, at last. But is he ready for the monarchy or anarchy? When a single decision jeopardizes the trust of the prime minister and the people, revolt against the crown isn’t far behind—and Kate and William are always one step away, vying for their shot. This inventive story of a king under pressure is a clever imagining of a future not yet written. Runs until: Sunday November 19, 2017

Abstract Design Showcase

Abstract Design Showcase Where: Kimoto Gallery What: This exhibition features eleven of Kimoto Gallery’s most popular abstract artists; Scott Sueme, Christine Breakell-Lee, Sara Genn, Mark Ollinger, Claire Sarfeld, Yorke Graham, Veronica Plewman, Michael Soltis, Kari Kristensen Christian Nicolay and Katsumi Kimoto. Each driven by their own authentic styles and innovative art practices, this curated exhibition showcases artwork that was inspired by modern trends in design and contemporary interiors. Runs until: Saturday November 25, 2017

Intangible Where: Bill Reid Gallery What: Contemporary Coast Salish art is embedded within a traditional cultural framework that includes community, ceremonial life, territory, history and innovation. Six artists challenge our expectations and illustrate Coast Salish art as a thriving art tradition – a dynamic one that demonstrates both continuity with the past and exploration of new ideas and technologies. Runs until: Sunday December 10, 2017

Bill Reid Creative Journeys | Image via the Canadian Museum of History

Bill Reid Creative Journeys Where: The Bill Reid Gallery What: Celebrating the many creative journeys of acclaimed master goldsmith and sculptor Bill Reid (1920–1998), this exhibition provides a comprehensive introduction to his life and work. Runs until: Sunday December 10, 2017

Cirque du Soleil: Kurios Where: Under the tents, Downtown Vancouver What: Step into the curio cabinet of an ambitious inventor who defies the laws of time, space and dimension in order to reinvent everything around him. Suddenly, the visible becomes invisible, perspectives are transformed, and the world is literally turned upside down. Runs until: Sunday December 31, 2017

Site for Still Life

Site for Still Life Where: Contemporary Art Gallery What: Andrew Dadson’s practice engages with the notion of boundaries in relation to space and time, primarily through investigations with materials, process and abstraction. Comprising new, ambitious large-scale paintings, film and installation, this exhibition presents a major statement by this young artist of propositions core to his practice. Runs until: Sunday December 31, 2017

Entangled: Two Views on Contemporary Canadian Painting | John Kissick burning the houses of cool man, yeah No.5 (hang the DJ), 2016 (cropped)

Entangled: Two Views on Contemporary Canadian Painting Where: Vancouver Art Gallery What: An insight into two distinctly different modes of painting that have come to dominate contemporary painting in this country. The origins of both can be effectively traced back to the 1970s, to a moment when the continued existence of painting was hotly debated. Runs until: January 1, 2018

Math Moves

Math Moves Where: Science World What: Visitors will investigate ratios and proportions, using their bodies, gestures, and words to set up, measure, describe and compare ratios and proportions. The exhibition encourages a collaborative approach to problem-solving, with open-ended activities that provide opportunities for visitors to talk about solutions to the challenges presented in the exhibition. Runs until: Monday January 1, 2018

Amazonia: The Rights of Nature

Amazonia: The Rights of Nature Where: UBC Museum of Anthropology What: MOA will showcase its Amazonian collections in a significant exploration of socially and environmentally-conscious notions intrinsic to indigenous South American cultures, which have recently become innovations in International Law. These are foundational to the notions of Rights of Nature, and they have been consolidating in the nine countries that share responsibilities over the Amazonian basin. Runs until: January 28, 2018

True Nordic: How Scandinavia Influenced Design in Canada

True Nordic: How Scandinavia Influenced Design in Canada Where: Vancouver Art Gallery What: This ground-breaking exhibition examines the significant influence of Scandinavian craft and industrial design on the development of Canadian culture. Spanning more than seven decades, True Nordic reveals how Scandinavian design was introduced in Canada and how its aesthetics and material forms were adopted, revised and transformed. Runs until: Sunday January 28, 2018

Tin and Gold: A 10 Year Anniversary Show Where: The Fall What: Celebrate 10 years of alternative music, tattoo artistry, and multimedia events. The art show includes artists Megan Majewski, Jenn Brisson, Alison Woodward and more. Runs until: February 1, 2018

Portrait of the Artist

Portrait of the Artist Where: Vancouver Art Gallery What: This exhibition brings together The Royal Collection’s paintings depicting self-portraits, portraits of artists and artists at work. Encompassing over eighty works, Portrait of the Artist is a rich survey of how artists have seen themselves and the role of the artist within society. Runs until: February 4, 2018

Gordon Smith: The Black Paintings

Gordon Smith: The Black Paintings Where: Vancouver Art Gallery What: The exhibition features a body of work described as black paintings that Gordon Smith began producing in 1990. These densely painted, darkly abstracted paintings—punctuated with occasional colour, text and collaged elements—sometimes refer explicitly to this wartime experience. Smith was deployed with the Allied invasion at Pachino Beach, Sicily (code name Husky), in July 1943, when he was twenty-four. Runs until: February 4, 2018

Carol Sawyer: The Natalie Brettschneider Archive

Carol Sawyer: The Natalie Brettschneider Archive Where: Vancouver Art Gallery What: Sawyer’s ongoing project that reconstructs the life and work of the genre-defying, fictional singer and artist Natalie Brettschneider. The works on view will connect Brettschneider to a community of mid-twentieth century artists and musicians in British Columbia. Runs until: February 4, 2018

City on the Edge: A Century of Vancouver Activism Where: Museum of Vancouver What: A photo-based exhibition exploring how protest demonstrations have shaped Vancouver’s identity from the Vancouver Sun and The Province newspapers’ photo collection. These photographs are exceptional historical records of intense and transformative moments in the lives of Vancouverites. Runs until: February 18, 2017

Tasting History: The Traveling Tales of Tea Where: Roedde House Museum What: Tea is one of the most consumed liquids in the world, second only to water. But the beverage that brings much pleasure and calm to our 21st century senses is steeped in a turbulent history of politics and society. The exhibit will also feature stories from Vancouver’s modern-day tea community. Runs until: March 2018

Emily Carr: Into the Forest

Emily Carr: Into the Forest Where: Vancouver Art Gallery What: Far from feeling that the forests of the West Coast were a difficult subject matter, Carr exulted in the symphonies of greens and browns found in the natural world. With oil on paper as her primary medium, Carr was free to work outdoors in close proximity to the landscape. She went into the forest to paint and saw nature in ways unlike her fellow British Columbians, who perceived it as either untamed wilderness or a plentiful source of lumber. Runs until: March 4, 2018

The Lost Fleet Exhibit Where: Vancouver Maritime Museum What: On December 7, 1941 the world was shocked when Japan bombed Pearl Harbour, launching the United States into the war. This action also resulted in the confiscation of nearly 1,200 Japanese-Canadian owned fishing boats by Canadian officials on the British Columbia coast, which were eventually sold off to canneries and other non-Japanese fishermen. The Lost Fleet looks at the world of the Japanese-Canadian fishermen in BC and how deep-seated racism played a major role in the seizure, and sale, of Japanese-Canadian property and the internment of an entire people. Runs until: March 25, 2018

Chief Dan George: Actor and Activist Where: North Vancouver Museum What: An exhibition exploring the life and legacy of Tsleil-Waututh Chief Dan George (1899- 1981) and his influence as an Indigenous rights advocate and his career as an actor. The exhibition was developed in close collaboration with the George family. Runs until: April 2018

Winter Farmers’ Market

Winter Farmers Market Where: Nat Bailey Stadium What: Each week you can look forward to finding locally grown vegetables and fruit, meat and seafood from local ranchers and fishermen, artisan cheese and bread, herbs and seasonal nursery items, baked goods, prepared foods and artisanal craft. Runs until: April 21, 2018 (Saturdays)

In a Different Light

In a Different Light Where: Museum of Anthropology What: More than 110 historical Indigenous artworks and marks the return of many important works to British Columbia. These objects are amazing artistic achievements. Yet they also transcend the idea of ‘art’ or ‘artifact’. Through the voices of contemporary First Nations artists and community members, this exhibition reflects on the roles historical artworks have today. Featuring immersive storytelling and innovative design, it explores what we can learn from these works and how they relate to Indigenous peoples’ relationships to their lands. Runs until: Spring 2019

What are you up to this weekend? Tell me and the rest of Vancouver in the comments below or tweet me directly at @lextacular

Inside Vancouver Blog

[birdybirdnerd]

okay yall im on a Prime Binge and the subject today is wizard101 so lets have some shit abt my two wizzes daniel and marcus

- first we got daniel my main, a thaumaturgist. he wears one of those bird mask things u get in celestia and i like to think its bc he fucks up his spells a lot and once got frostbite on his nose, it fell clean off

- hes v quiet and stoic but gets really inordinately excite when he pulls off a crit with all the fancy traps n blades n shit and gets really high damage. hell start jumping around and whooping and high fiving the other party members even if theyre still in the middle of battle, then goes back to being quiet when the enemys spell smacks him upside the head

- he came from earth, pulled out of an orphanage where he never knew his parents. miss greyrose dotes on him endlessly, as he can be quite endearing at times and she has a soft heart. he considers her his mom and gets her presents at every opportunity, most things hes made himself

- he never picked just one school to second in despite ice, instead picking and starting in multiple side schools (a little death, a little storm, he started in myth but drake pissed him off first day of class and he just silently walked out and never came back). hes regretted this decision ever since, now not having enough time or money to go back and complete the entire course for just one school, forever cursed to be only mildly proficient in multiple. he hates it, and is saving up to try again with fire

- now for marcus. marcus is a sweet little theurgist, in a lower grade than daniel but older than his peers because of an accident early on that kept him from attending school for two years. he actually originally started off in balance, but barely got any learning done there before his accident, and begged merle ambrose to let him switch to life so he could help others. merle agreed, and moolinda wu personally tutored him for awhile to help him catch up a little. now hes happy as can be, though short his voice and with bonus ptsd. he doesnt like to talk about it

- marcus was born in the spiral, in mooshu actually, but moved to wizard city when he was really young. his mom is kind of distant, but his dad is enthusiastic and loving and has already adopted all of his friends with shitty parents as his own. marcus loves them both equally, and also moolinda wu, and merle ambrose, and al the other teachers at ravenwood including cyrus drake, and regularly waters and talks to bartelby in his free time, and basically has too much love for his tiny little body. 

- he picked death as his secondary school, even before the accident and following switch to life as his main, because 1) despite his innocent exterior, hes always found death and decay sort of fascinating, in a scientific sort of way, and 2) he figured itd be helpful to minor in the opposite of his major school in case he came across a life-oriented enemy

now, for the fun part: how they met and their current status

- marcus’s class was on a field trip to marleybone to study the queens garden as a fun end of the year activity, and try to identify as many plants as they could. daniel was wandering, questing, helping out locals and basically being lost 

- marcus split off from the group to go explore, having found a trail of interesting stones and plantsthat led to hyde park. he was young and innocent, and had no idea the trouble he was headed towards 

- daniel had gotten turned around and lost as he was looking for his way back to the teleportation devices and gotten caught up in a battle with some sort of hooligans. he was overwhelmed and they sprinted off with his necklace, a trinket he had found that gave him a healing card way above his level, which had saved his life multiple times

- marcus found him sobbing in an alleyway, clothes torn and singed, mask cracked down the middle, his necklace missing. he helped daniel heal up a bit and offered to help him find the hooligan that ran off with his necklace. daniel was smitten immediately and agreed, and they ran off together, two hotheaded kids in search of adventure

- they never found the hooligan or the necklace, but after they got back and marcus was reprimanded for running off and they all got back to the school safe and happy, marcus began saving up and keeping an eye out in the bazaar. he eventually bought a replica of the necklace and gave it to daniel on their one year anniversary, to many tears and kisses

- oh yeah, theyre boyfriends btw. that eventually happened

- daniel has more money from adventuring and all that, so when they go on gear runs to get new and improved shit, daniel usually picks out stuff for marcus to try on and then buys whatever he wants. marcus is flattered, his family having been too poor for the majority of his life to afford nice things

- they have a magic carpet mount they trade back and forth and borrow. no one knows who originally bought it, but its worn and smells nice and is loved

- they finally got around to buysing a little wooded cottage that is technically only under daniels name, but they share it and have a plethora of pets that run around wild amidst the collection of weird shit daniel has gathered from his adventures

thats all i can think of right now but im sure ill have more later or tomorrow or whatever. also expect drawings of the boys eventually, whenever i can get a new flashdrive or find my old one