#both personality twists work out okay for her but I'm personally rooting for her being clinically insane and not just. tired

[brown-sugar-89]

waaarghh

[lord-radish]

Okay, I got to the part of Persona 4 where you befriend Naoto and learn something important about them. I've still got a while to go before this storyline wraps up, but while I think it's handled better and in a more earnest way than Danganronpa 1 handled a similar angle, I'm still pretty trepidatious about how the game is gonna approach the topic of gender.

My full thoughts are below the cut, and will probably evolve or further crystallize as I play more of the game. Character spoilers for Naoto and mild plot spoilers for Persona 4 are below.

---

For context, Naoto is a male-presenting character who works with the police to solve crimes. The plot of Persona 4 concern a series of supernatural serial killings, and Naoto appears sporadically throughout the game as he investigates the killings alongside the police.

Eventually he uses himself as bait for the serial killer and get pulled into the TV world. Your group has to save him, and when you confront his Shadow, it's revealed that the male-presenting Naoto is actually AFAB.

After the reveal, the game switches from he/him pronouns to she/her pronouns. She keeps her androgyny to my understanding, but as they're addressing Naoto's mental health issues at the end of that dungeon - as Shadows manifest as repressed emotions the victims don't want to face - Yukiko goes "you didn't really want to be a man, you just wanted to be taken seriously".

I've only just finished that dungeon, but here are my current thoughts. For the most part, I'm going to go with she/her pronouns because it looks like that's how the Persona franchise from this point on is going to address her.

For starters, I can't help but compare Naoto's gender stuff to how a character from Danganronpa 1 was written. I can at least say based on the very small post-reveal content I've seen about Naoto that the way they've approached her gender non-conformity is a step above "lurid, disrespectful horseshit for the sake of a cheap twist". Like I really liked Danganronpa 1, but holy mother of fuck they handled that shit badly. Persona 4 looks like it's gonna be better about it.

That being said, I get the feeling that Persona 4 is going to lean super into Naoto as a woman now, and it's gonna be about how she can be feminine and how she actually does have innate feminine traits and it's OKAY, SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO HIDE ANYMORE. Like it's still a little how-do-you-do about how it approaches gender y'know.

A significant aspect of Naoto's motivation is that women aren't taken seriously in the workplace, let alone a boy's club like the police. It's alleged that even back in 2009 when Persona 4 came out, the prospect of women in the police force was a tough nut that Japan was trying to crack due to how conservative the country is. Another factor is her age; being 15, the adult cops don't take her seriously despite her diligence, skill and talent at the job. Those are certainly significant motivations.

W

But what I thought was really telling and particularly beautiful about Naoto's explanation is that she would relate to and resonate with the gritty hard-boiled detective guys. She aspires to be like them. That can be written off as her simply aspiring to their level of skill and experience, but the way she speaks about them and how they make her feel, and the way she's chosen to present herself, really does come off as her finding solace and understanding and joy in that masculine presentation.

What I'm concerned is going to be the case is that people assert that her masculine presentation is rooted solely in the "glass ceiling" aspect of her character, and that the trans reading either inhibits that plot point or "doesn't make sense" or whatever the fuck. As if one of the plot points has to be the "objective" one, and the other one is in direct opposition and can't be mentioned in the same breath because it's "disrespectful".

Personally, I think both readings can co-exist. Naoto faces challenges as an AFAB person that are jarring to her in a professional context, at least - no reason that can't extend to a personal context too, finding an incongruity between feminine ideals and how she feels as a person.

Her desire to be a detective can easily be motivated by both a desire to assimilate and fit into an environment that would otherwise be hostile to her, and a desire to embody masculine ideals and presentation that gel with her in a way that femininity doesn't. Both can be true, and neither can be exclusive or set in stone - gender stuff can be messy.

Do I think that's how they're going to canonically handle Naoto's gender identity? Fuck no. But the same way you can read The Matrix as a trans allegory, I think you can read a lot into Naoto's character and come out the other side convinced that the way she presents as masc and goes by he/him pronouns for as long as she does, there's more to her gender presentation than just "going stealth to break the glass ceiling".

I genuinely do get the feeling that Naoto is, in fact, a trans man - or at least, Naoto could be a trans man if the game didn't go out of its way to shoot that down. Up until Yukiko says "I don't think you really want to be a man", the game could very easily run wild with a story of self-determination and holding onto what makes someone a man while embracing things that aren't traditionally masculine at the same time. I think viewing Naoto as a trans man is incredibly valid.

Again - this is based on the TV show dungeon where her backstory is laid out, and nothing more. My point of view could change and crystallize the more I play. This is an evolving viewpoint, but I just wanted to get my feelings out - Naoto, to me, reads like a trans man. I think the game's not going to be super kind to that interpretation the more I play, but I think it's gonna be better than Danganronpa 1 at least and I'm going to reserve my right to headcanon Naoto as trans going forward.

[thekatebridgerton]

Hermione is not an idiot. That is not why Gregory gets over her but because he was more in love with the idea of being in love than with her. And I don't want the show to twist the story to bring down Hermione to root for Lucy. They already made a mess of the Sharmas, I think we had enough of these conflicts among women.

Oh I digress she is very much an idiot. If you think she's not then we both read her character differently in on the way to the wedding. Hermione's whole schtick with being inlove with her father's secretary was as shallow as a shot of watered down caprisun. Fakest friend ever, hardly supportive to Lucy.

I know their friendship was supposed to be written as some sort of sense and sensibility ish kind of thing. With hermione being romantic and lucy being practical. But it just felt that Hermione spent the whole book saying 'oh Lucy you're always so practical and mature and serious' as a way to excuse herself for not caring more about Lucy's life.

Hermione's character irks me, as an individual because I know what MO of the friend who says youre so mature and serious but what she means is "youre so mature and serious COMPARED TO ME, THE FUN ONE".. Oh you guys must know that friend. She's pretty, and she looks kind, but what she really enjoys is the fact that in every comparison between her and her "less charming, less pretty friends" she comes out looking like the "more fun, more romantic, more attractive" prospect. And her kindness is always conditional on the lesser friends never trying to get the spotlight. (If you catch yourself being that type of friend, then please work on being less narcissistic, don't hang out with introverts just so you can look better in comparison when you're out in public, that's just wrong)

Lucy spent way too much time of her own book trying to keep Hermione from falling prey to her own stupidity! Exactly because Hermione was too stupid to listen to her bestie properly.

And in the second half of the book Lucy keeps acting like its her job to keep protecting said idiot's feelings.

I've said it before, Hermione is what Edwina could have been if book Edwina had fluff for brains and no common sense.

I guess between book Hyacinth and Hermione. Most female characters in OTWTW feel so unlikeable. That Lucy shines trough as the only person who seems to be in her right mind. And ends up being too self sacrificial as a result, because she feels so alone and can't confide in anyone about her struggles.

One of the few female characters in the books that I'm okay with the show destroying? Hermione Watson. Edwina Sharma was done super dirty and Book Edwina did nothing to deserve the character assassination she was subjected to but Hermione? she does deserve it. Because she's an airhead and she's a bad friend.

But maybe that's just me. Maybe that's my cross to bear. Don't take my word for it. Check the rest of the blog I rarely talk about Bridgerton characters I don't like.

I don't agree with female conflict in Bridgerton, when it's unfair and uncalled for and manufactured to create drama. But the conflict between Hermione and Gregory of him realizing she's a total airhead who is as shallow as a kiddie pool while Lucy is indeed the brains of the operation. I'm sorry but yes, that's some drama I want to see on screen because it's totally deserved.

And that's the tea

Although truthfully with the whole revenue loss debacle... Netflix may be on its way to dying before Bridgerton reaches Gregory story

[aqualescentrhapsody]

It's been awhile since I visited this blog. I'm not good at consistency, clearly. I think I want to be better a consistency, but I'm not sure it's a priority right now. Especially a blog. I think I've made a lot of progress and embraced a lot of growth over the last couple years. I know I still have a lot more progress and growth ahead of me. I also can simultaneously say that I am finally okay with who I am in this moment. If I never grow or progress from where I'm at today that would be okay. Not ideal, but okay.

At the end of this month I will have been working at the same hospital for a year. I had a bout of short-lived jobs between the last big job and this one. I'm also a year away from graduating with my BSW. Although it is going to be costly, I want to walk for my graduation which means I have to make my way to California to do so. I have the option to walk for both my BSW and my MSW. I'm still on the fence about walking for both. It will really come down to cost.

My wife and I are at a really good place regarding our communication and relationship overall. We have done a lot of work on ourselves and our relationship over the past year and a half or so. We've opened things up and are now actively involved in the poly community. Her idea of poly is different than mine, but we're learning that and accepting and still need to work on agreements and boundaries. I'm realizing that she and I really should talk about these agreements and boundaries before either of us engage in the next connection. I tend to get feelings and she prefers to keep things casual friends with benefits type connection. I think it's important that we both are able to experience poly in the way that makes sense for us while also being sensitive to our partners needs and comfortability and triggers etc.

About a month ago I ended things with a man I had fallen in love with rather quickly. He and I had known each other for a couple weeks and realize that we wanted to be more than just friends. We both, or so I was told, shared with our partners how we felt. His wife was adamant that she was fine with everything the whole time, while showing us that she was not and also anytime we would ask she would give us every indication that she was happy and good with things. Then at the end it was all my fault as I had said an ultimatum that made her feel she couldn't express her true emotions. There never was an ultimatum. I really believe she twisted something that was meant to be good in regard to not wanting to be a part of the problem for their relationship. Really when I look at the whole thing I see that I should have bowed out the moment it was obvious that they had a lot of work to do on their marriage before they stepped into Polly. They both assured me they could work on their marriage and continue their relationships. She was seeing and or having sex with at least eight or nine other people while he was seeing me and courting one or two other ladies. Even those relationships were very tentative and that makes me feel like maybe he played a role in her not having the full picture. I still love him and someone asked me the other day if he were to show up at my work or at my doorstep and ask for me to take him back would I. I think it would be one of the hardest things for me to turn him away, but I would have to because I recognize that the behaviors he exhibited we're not indicative of a healthy person trying to engage in healthy relationships. He admitted that he was not honest with himself, with me or with his wife fully. There were plenty of times where I questioned whether he was being honest and I wish I would have trusted my intuition. I learned so much and gained so much growth from that relationship. I don't know that I would do too much differently if I were to be given the opportunity to go back. I was able to at least partially heal some very deep-rooted sexual trauma regarding penis having people. The sex between he and I was incredible which is not something I can say about any previous penis having partner. Ever. I think that has put me in a strange place regarding sex with any penis having partners in the future. My hope is that the disconnect I had for so long with penis having people has been alleviated, but my worry is that it really only can exist that way with him. That being said, I don't plan to enter into any relationships with penis having people that progress to sex anytime soon. I say penis having people because I don't know if male to female trans pre-op people would be an issue for me or not. My mind tells me they likely would not be because female energy is different than male energy and it's generally more about the energy than the body. This is a huge part of why I identify as pansexual as opposed to bisexual.

Anyway, life is relatively good. I'm grateful for all that I have and looking forward to building a brighter and better future with my wife and any new partners. I'm excited to see her blossom in her own healthy poly relationships as well. I know that there will be challenges, but I believe she and I will communicate and work through them as we've learned from our past mistakes and hopefully will be able to do so more quickly and fully.

[sleepynegress]

On YOU and Black Women Characters, Karen, Sherry, and Marienne...and a little bit of Peach (who is a mixed-race Filipina).

Okay so, that meta... Seeing how Marienne has been handled in the most recent season (among other, IMO, improvements character-wise), while also being all-too-typically handwaved and/or ignored by fandom....I got the urge to write some meta... Because I feel like the difference between how Karen and Peach were written in the first season, vs. Sherry and Marienne in the third, exemplifies typical pitfalls TV and streaming media too often fall into when it codes it's side female black/brown-skinned characters and ways they can avoid it. BTW, one big change this past season is that Penn Badgley is now a producer. And if you've ever heard the man speak on this show and character, among other things... You'll know he makes an effort to be aware of social causes and ways he can personally improve things for marginalized folks. He's a real mensch, when it comes to that. He's been vocal about correcting fans who unironically stan Joe as a romantic ideal... Because yeah, that dude is ALL redflags, stalking, and excuses for his serial killing. Yeah, the voice is nice, and it's fun to watch all of that play-out, but one can stan an anti-hero/villianous charismatic character while understanding that ish isn't something to *actually* want IRL. People. Just to reiterate. JOE IS ONE OF THOSE CHARACTERS for which you stay far away from people w/ those tendencies, in IRL. So... w/ that preface, I think it's incredibly interesting and thoughtful how Marienne and Sherry were handled, as black women supporting characters. ...While Peach and Karen in season one? Yeesh... (cut because it's loooong yall)

Yall remember Karen?? She was thirsty for Joe, unabashedly so.

But the reality was that she was just a convient placeholder, a tool to make Beck jealous. So, the double-edged stereotype was that she was both undesirable and the sexual aggressor *sigh*. ... Thankfully, the one good thing about the writing choices for her was that she peeped that Joe was crazy and she listened to the little voice and got out ALIVE. I hated that she was invisible to him as an actual living breathing attractive woman though, except to be used. Again, this is a typical and stereotypical construct for black women side characters.

HOWEVER. Season three actually corrected that, by explicitly showing Joe as the problem there... And not Karen, or any other WOC's desirability (as is all too typical a message media tends to send out for drop-dead gorgeous black/brown women side characters in yt media). You see, Joe is a snobby yt man who has been running away from his poor-orphan-grown-up-in-the-system roots. His "education" from an abusive bookseller (yikes) and genuine love and breadth of knowledge of books, he thinks, elevates him above certain people, -plebes, in his mind. But oddly, at the same damn time, he looks down his nose at wealthy people for being handed what he sees as something he worked -and was worked over (all that trauma and abuse) for. And all the issues he has (which is NO excuse BTW), stem from his Oedipal complex. The root cause being his "failure" to protect the mother figures in his life, when he was a boy. One rejected him after the trauma of child-Joe having to shoot/kill someone to spare her more harm/abuse, and the other died (in his mind) because he *failed* to act violently to protect her from fatal abuse. Thus, his stalking behaviour, obsession, and feelings of ownship over women he fixates on. He can both "protect" them and keep them from abandoning him, by acting (often violently) for them, on their behalf (w/o their knowledge or consent), to keep them (with him) safe. So every woman he has looked at as "The One" (until Marienne, but I'm getting to that) has been a yt woman who needs saving, just like the nurse and his mom. All were in toxic relationships with other men, in some way shape or form, relationships he could twist in his mind as someone he could white knight her away from... From Beck's narcisisst two-timing boyfriend, to Love's unhealthy co-dependency on her brother, to Natalie's distant relationship w/ her workaholic husband. The difference between them and Marienne though, is Joe was already stalker-fantastizing about them from the first look. Marienne, however, was written as purposely invisible to him, in a expansion (and fix! IMO) for why he *also* didn't see Karen.

I'm saying, that despite Joe having grown up in the system, he's always been a hypocrite. He looks down on other yt people (especially if they have wealth privilege) calls out all of the excesses, while he himself *also* wasn't able to see those he unconsciously saw as beneath *his own* gaze. It was NO ACCIDENT and IMO a brilliantly rare little bit of telegraphed writing...That Joe only started to actually see Marienne as a person beyond the bossy irritant in the way of his book hobby, when he #1 heard the White Woman Syndrome definition and call-out (*lol* Joe didn't know shit about it, until Marienne and Dante told him and took his know-it-all ass down a peg) and #2 learned she spoke French... What I'm saying is Joe is diet-racist, in that yt moderate way MLK called out, i.e. "good" yt people who are unconsciously biased, ignore/prejudge the black people the see everyday, but don't think of themselves as actively racist... And the fact that she "surprised" him, in that way... Made him unconsciously feel like he had to prove he wasn't that typical yt person he tends to eviscerate in his narrations. Because, not only was she dismissed from the jump, but it turned out that she checkmarked all his hallmark stalking points, but went one or two better(!)... In that she has a similar background to himself, having grown up in the system abandoned by her mother, -which is the aspect that cemented his obsession... She is also "educated", has a daughter (which he wanted Henry to be) is a good and loving mom, and is targeted by... you guessed it, a toxic -ex, which makes him feel like the better alternative, necessary protector. So, to him... Marienne is perfect. And for me, it's so fascinating to see White Woman Syndrome, desconstructed and flipped on it's head with this storyline of Joe actively "protecting" her in his fucked up way, i.e. shivering with bug-eyed mania, as he stabbed her -ex multiple times in the chest while saying it was "for her". And that conversation between Marienne and Love??? WHEW!! I fucking LOVED THAT. Because, Love did not lie. Everything she said about Joe was absolutely correct. In fact, the reason why Joe couldn't obsess over Love anymore was because he saw in her, everything he hates about himself. And Marienne?? I loved what she had to say, calling out her own damn self for falling into self-destructive habits. She *admitted* that she had purposely ignored that little voice that told her Joe was bad news (a reason why she played up the suspicion and "tough boss" at first). IOW, Marienne is Joe's ideal self, if Joe had handled his trauma better. She's not out here killing folk. Yes, she fell into addictive substances, but she actively is doing what Joe *wishes* he could about his serial stalking and murdering, and healing herself. That is the root of his fixation... Oh! That's another thing. Joe is a sociopath and a narcissist, so he also fixates on women he sees *himself* in... He loses interest, when he sees the flaws he'd like to fix in himself. And that is why he literally burned his entire life down (including abandoning his son *smh*, mainly because he fears his taint will make the boy just like him) and went to Paris to find her. In the meantime, while I see Marienne as a bit of a correction to how Karen was shafted in the writing, I also see Sherry as a correction to how Peach was done. Peach was a typical bitchy brown girl side-character, without the benefit of nuance, beyond her crush on Beck. Meanwhile, we got to the see the nerdy rejected roots Sherry and the unhealthy coke-head roots of her soulmate husband behind the type-A "mean-girl" too many black and brown girls are simplified into in shows. I liked that. Sherry, was that way to protect both herself and her family from ever being seen as the rejected out crowd, she and her hubby used to be when they were kids. Cory's hyper-fixation on projecting a feminist hyper-masculinity was for her... And kudos to them casting a buff non-ugly partner for her.

I have heard and repeated that actual love is loving the "crust" of a person. And goodness knows, THAT was Sherry/Cary in that box. Just ALL of the most BURNT crumbly, crust pieces ever and *still* beneath that... at their very bottom, was their love. And the delicious irony of it, was that once again... Snob-head-ass Joe (and Love too, this time) got it wrong. They weren't a fake plastic love, but the real damn thing... If I'm being really-real, Love saw that too. It was the reason why she put the gun in the box w/ them. Say what you will about the weirdness of these two, but you CANNOT say they don't love each other. It was to the point that that aspect of their marriage triggered Love, when it came to her and Joe. And that... (a black woman being truly loved and having a "happy" ending) is always subversive in yt media. Also, both the actors gave... *lol* A+ partnering work, in this. I really enjoyed that messy bisexual couple. Anyway... Sorry about the length and scatterbrained aspect of this meta... but I had to write this down.

P.S. I forgot to add Delilah from season 2 as yet another WOC Joe failed to see in that way until she became useful/unavoidable and Ellie as another way he projects protecting himself (and his mom) from trauma. Ellie is a fifteen year old girl w/o parents who most definitely would have been subject to abuse, if Joe had not intervened and killed that grooming creep.

[taylor-will-be-the-death-of-me]

The Task At Hand [pt.2]

Regulus's POV

As all of us made our way to the arena where the task was being held, I was slightly concerned for Y/N. Okay not slightly, very concerned for her. You see a few days ago I had overheard Ivan and his Headmaster talking about the task. Turns out that they knew what was going to happen. All the four champions had to fight dragons.

Now I'm no expert but I know that dragons are very extremely dangerous. So I did what I thought would be best to warn Y/n, but I couldn't do so easily as the paranoid son's of Durmstrang were checking each and every letter being sent across the school. Now because of this I had to write twisting my words.

To show that this was a letter for fun, I added something about the Pablo Neruda's book, because we all know that they will not read the whole damn letter. My chain of thoughts were interrupted by Evan's obnoxious voice.

"What do you think the task is?" He asked putting his arm around me.

"I don't know." I lied to his face, still walking up.

"I don't care what the ask is but all I know is that the elder Potter should win." Said Lucius walking alongside Narcissa holding her hand.

"And what about the younger one?" I questioned.

"She can die for all I care." Replied Lucius making my blood boil. I wanted to punch him right there, break his face, tell him he could not say things like that about anyone especially a person who is close to me. But all I did was stay quite and turn my head.

"You shouldn't say that Lucius." Said Narcissa putting her arm on his shoulder and giving him a kiss on the cheek. Turns out the day I didn't go to Hogsmeade they had gotten together. And now we have to see their dusting kisses and longing gazes all day everyday.

"Whatever you say love. She did cheat to get in.'' Wanting the conversation to end, I walked ahead of everyone else. While walking looking to y right I saw Y/N walking in a tent with the head of her house and her brother. Both of them looked a little nervous, just like any sane person would. Behind Potter his whole possie was moving as well. Gosh, can't he go a minute without them.

"Hey you coming?" Questioned Snape standing beside me.

"Yeah let's go." I said and entered the arena. The whole stadium was filled with people, sitting, shouting laughing. And right at the edge of it all was the teachers stand. All of the teacher's from all three schools were mingling within each other, but they were also keeping their game face on. After all, they're students are going to fight dragon's.

As we all sat down to witness the task, everyone went silent as the it began. First came out Ivan to battle the Chinses Fireball. After him came Clementine with the Welsh Green, then James with The Swedish Short-Snout creating a mess and then at last, Y/N with the Hungarian Horntail. The most dangerous one.

As she came out the terror was clear on her face, and the silence around us was defining, when she decide to meet the dragon. Taking her wand out of her pocket she moved towards it. When the dragon notice's her it immediately goes to protect the egg it had to keep safe.

Out of everyone else that was there she was probably the calmest, and I don't have a bloody clue how she did that. Walking a little bit closer to the horntail she pointed her wand at him and whispered a spell we couldn't quite hear, but it seemed to work as the dragon's eye lids seemed t get heaver by the second and with a big loud thud it fell down and went in peaceful slumber.

With that the tough part was gone. All that was left to do now was to was to get the egg and get the hell out of the stadium. The silence was still prominent in the crowd as she looked around and took a deep breath. For a second her eyes met mine, but soon enough they were gone. Walking around the Hungarian beast's tail, carefully, trying not to wake him up, she reached the golden egg. Carefully picking it up she walked back the same root she came from. But little did she know, she had woken up the beast.

Everyone was still quite, no one dared to move, but someone had tp warn her or else she would be fried like chicken. So I, stupid as ever, took the initiative to do so.

"Y/N, look out." I screamed as she looked at me and then to where I was pointing at with big, scared eyes. Running away from the dragon she screamed "Expelliarmus." Putting the dragon of for a bit, as she made a run for it.

After a few minutes of running away from him and hi, breathing fire towards her, she leaped towards the tent safely getting in without any harm, making the crowd go wild. When everything had seemed to settled down, Dumbledore and the rest of the teachers gave their points. Ivan was on number one as Igo had given him a ten on ten where the rest of the judges had given him at least a nine.

Surprisingly James managed to bag the second place by getting a nine from Dumbledore, Barty Crouch and Madam Maxine. Igor had to be a sore sport and gave him a six. In third place Y/N and Clementine were tied as bot of them got equal points from tide teachers.

After some time of celebrating near the ground everyone went back to the castle, as I stayed back waiting to meet Y/N. Finally when everyone got out pf the tent except for her I went in. The second I entered I was met with a bunch of Hufflepuff's cheering and talking. With my entrance everyone went quite.

"What? What happened? Who's their?" Said a voice that came from the middle of the small circle, which belonged to the Champion Badger.

'Hi.' I said as I was made visible to her. Apparently she had burned her leg wile the task and was now sitting on a chair with her leg up on another.

"Oh hey Regulus." She said cheerfully. "What brings you here?"

"Well I wanted to say that you were amazing in the task. And that um. you get better soon." I said scratching the back of my neck feeling uncomfortable under their gazes .

"Thank you. And I will try." She replied.

"Well I should get going now." I said starting to go out.

"Reg." She called from behind using an unknown nickname. "Thanks for trying to warn me about the task. Can't say it did anything, but still thank you."

"Oh that, it's nothing." I said with a heat creping on my face.

"So do you want to stay for a bit, make your self acquainted with my friends?" She asked.

"I-I would love to, but I have to go back. My friends are waiting for me." I replied.

'Oh that's alright, maybe some other time."

'Yeah sure. Um.. bye." I said dashing out of there.

Oh God this is going to be and interesting year.

[A/N Hey there everyone!!! This is for anyone who's reading the story, I would like to ask weather you could tell me what you Patronus's are cause I will be using that further in the story. Please comment or not, I can't tell you what to do. With love My existence is a scandal.]

Tags

@ourloveisforthelovely

[hot-wiings]

The One Where Armin Arlert And [Y/N] Yeager Never Get To Say The Words They Really Wanted To Say. 

Death Trigger Warning. 

Edited: 1-25-2021

Armin took a minute to compose himself before he entered the infirmary. He rubbed his sweaty, clammy hands up and down on his pants, wiping the residue liquid off as he took a minute to calm himself and figure out how to compose his words to the person he was looking for. He pushed the doors open and walked in towards the people he was looking for: The Yeager siblings, [Y/N], and Eren.

"How's the arm holding up?"

"It's fine. You know me, I regenerate like crazy, it'll practically be good as new by tonight."

Armin decides to address Eren first, far too nervous to address you and his thoughts. Your arms were crossed as you sat on the edge of an infirmary bed, your eyes never leaving Captain Hanji as she looks over your leg to see if anything was broken. Eren would have crossed his own arms, but he had one in a sling, his eyes, however, were glaring at the back of your head, burning an imaginary hole.

"Doesn't even matter, Captain Levi is making me sit out tomorrow's expedition."

"Rightly so!"

You bark your words out at your brother, upset that he was upset at his punishment. His punishment for starting a fight that is. Your dumb brother overheard you telling private information to the other girls in your squad, private information about your love life. Ultimately it resulted in an argument, which led to a physical fight, where you broke his arm and it felt like he twisted your ankle.

"You're sitting out the expedition because you injured yourself in a fight that you started. Not my fault Captain Levi saw me beat your ass."

"All right [Y/N], it looks like your ankle is all good. You might've just pulled a muscle, I would stay off it for the rest of the day, but you should be good to go on the expedition tomorrow."

Hanji stood up from her crouched position to go check on Erens arm again. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't happy that you had broken Eren's arm. It was completely thrilling to observe how fast the boy's injuries could heal, completely exhilarating to have the chance to do further research on him.

"And stay out of fights when Levi is around!"

"Wouldn't have been a fight if [Y/N] knew how to control herself."

"Says the boy who threw the first hit."

You jumped up from the edge of the bed and pulled your sock and boot back onto your foot before you took off out of the infirmary to go to your bedroom and rest as Captain Hanji said to. Armin followed you out into the hall, hesitant to say what he wanted to. The thought had been floating around his head ever since after he saw you and Eren fight, ever since Captain Levi had sent you both to the infirmary followed by a few choice words. He had been too far to hear what was said, but it soon spread among the squads that Eren was being forced to sit out tomorrow's expedition.

"Maybe you should sit out tomorrow's expedition too."

You stopped in your tracks as soon as Armin's words hit your ears. You quickly turned around to face Armin with furrowed brows. Your lips tipped down into a frown. Hurt and upset at what he was proposing. Was he really on Eren's side of the argument? He didn't even know what the argument was really about.

"Why should I sit it out?"

"You pulled a muscle in your ankle, your weak and-"

"Wow, thanks for that."

Armin backtracked his words. He was nervous, that wasn't what he meant to say. Not even in the slightest. You're growing upset expression and aggravation only caused Armin's nervousness to grow more.

"That's not what I meant. I just, I don't want to lose any more comrades, I don't want to lose you. Petra died in the last expedition, so many people died in the last expedition. Eren would be so upset if you died, just sit out."

"I can't believe you. Do you hear how selfish that sounds? I don't care if I'm weak, we signed up for this knowing what it entitled. Captain Hanji said my ankle will be perfectly good by tomorrow morning, not that I'll need to be on my legs much anyway."

"[Y/N], I didn't mean it like you're weak. I just think you work better when you have Eren with you. I just think you should stay with Eren, makeup from your fight, let your ankle rest more."

You ran your fingers through your hair as you looked up at the ceiling, trying to keep your gathering tears in. Whether he meant you were weak in general, or if he was referring to your ankle didn't matter. Nothing hurt more than having the guy you like tell you how weak you are. Nothing hurt more than having the guy you like tell you that you should sit out on the sidelines while other people risk their life.

There was nothing more insulting or embarrassing. 

"You and Eren can screw yourselves. It’s a pulled muscle, not a sprained bone, I'm going on the expedition. Captain Hanji thinks I'm well enough, and Captain Levi wants me in his squad. He trusts me, he thinks I'm strong enough, so I'm going. End of story."

You turned around and made your way to your room, you would've run off but you wanted to let your ankle rest like Captain Hanji had said to. The tears make their way down your cheeks once the door is closed. Why did he think you were so weak? You had progressed and grew so much. You knew you were weak, so you worked harder. You knew you were weak so you sought out advice and help from Captain Levi.

You were a far better soldier than you were at the last expedition. You would show him. You would show him how good and strong you were.

It wasn't long before the morning of the expedition arrived. With a heavy heart you had rolled out of bed and pulled your gear onto your body. You fastened each strap and buckle, your mind racing equally fast as the leather material. Expeditions were dangerous, you knew this, you knew the risks. You knew the risks and the horrors, the fear, and realities of the statics of you not making it back. Yet, you also knew it was your duty to go on the expedition.

You quickly brushed your fingers through your hair as best as you could before pulling it up into a hair tie making a bun as best and neat as you could. Captain Levi hated when people didn't look presentable, or rather he equated presentable with clean. You briskly walked down to the cafeteria and grabbed a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. It wasn't exactly your favorite, but it was what there was available. You sat down at your usual table with Eren, Mikasa, and Armin. Eren didn't look happy in the slightest, still bitter over getting benched. Armin looked, guilty, sad almost, whereas Mikasa had no clue what exactly had happened between you all, but undoubtedly, she was on Eren’s side. 

You knew Armin hadn't meant to exactly call you weak. The fact was, you and him were some of the weakest soldiers inside of the Survey Corps. But you had gotten stronger, so much stronger and better. It hurt and deeply bothered you that Armin didn't seem to take notice of that. You wanted him to see you as someone strong and worthy.

You didn't dare look Armin in the eyes, and he didn't dare look at you. Instead, you kept your eyes casted down on your bowl, eating every last drop of sludge while you ignored Armin and your brother. It wasn't tasteful, but it did provide energy that would be needed for the expedition. As soon as you were done taking in your breakfast, you stood up and wrapped your green jacket around your body.

"Good luck. Kill a titan for me."

You bring your head up to where Eren and Armin were. His eyes were upset, but if he was he didn't voice it. It didn't matter, he thought you were weak. He thinks you’re weak and pathetic. You don't address him, instead you respond to your brother. Your brother, who despite being angry at you for getting him benched, was not going to allow himself to let you go beyond the walls thinking he was angry at you. He wouldn't let you go beyond the walls, risking your life, without partially fixing things. You could resume your hatefest as soon as you come back for all he cared, but for the time being, he wanted you focused on the mission.

"I will. Gotta make up for you’re stupid ass getting benched."

"Whatever. I love you, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. I love you too. Quit acting like I'm leaving, I'm gonna come back, that's a promise."

"I know. Just keep Armin safe for me."

You turned on your heel and stalked off towards the stable, where most of the soldiers were already gathering to get their own horses prepped and ready to leave. Eren didn't see it, but you had a small smile on your face. Just the knowledge that he wasn't that mad at you, was like having a heavyweight lifted off your shoulders. You hated going into expeditions when your brother was upset with you, while you planned to keep your promise to Eren, there was still that chance of dying and charging into the unknown. With him being mad at you, was like dying with regrets.

You grabbed your saddle and made your way into your horses stable. You saddled her and placed the reins on her face before you adjusted each buckle and hook correctly, then you pulled her outside and placed one foot on the bootstrap before pulling yourself up and swinging your other leg over. You guilded your horse out towards the rest of your squad, but not before you passed Armin.

"Hey."

"What?"

An indecipherable expression crossed Armin’s face. He wanted to tell you that he was sorry for arguing with you yesterday, he wanted to say it wasn't out of thinking you were weak, but out of his feelings. His deep, rooted feelings for you. He didn't think he was strong enough, that was the problem. He wasn't strong enough to protect you, and not having Eren there to back you up either bothered him. That was the real reason he wanted to stay back, and that was what he wanted to tell you, yet the words got stuck in his throat.

"Stay safe, okay?"

"Yeah. You too."

You click at your horse to get her going over to Levi's squad who then guides you outside of the walls. The first hour of riding went well. No distractions, and a lack of titans. It was too good to be true. You should have known there would be complications later on in the mission, a lack of titans meant you would later on come across a hoard. Unfortunately, among that hoard was an abnormal. 

You saw it running directly at Armin. The strings in your heart pulled strongly against your chest. He had this, he had this didn't he? You had gotten stronger, you wanted him to see that, but that meant you had to treat him like he had gotten stronger too. It only takes one quick look in his direction too see there were too many titans, his squad was wrapped up, and it looked like some of them were missing, they needed help.

You quickly pulled on your reigns, changing course and charging after the abnormal. Once you reached Armin you pulled out your ODM gear to attach yourself to a tree and slice the abnormal titan’s neck open. It didn't stop there, not when there were so many, you sliced and diced, getting to as my napes as you could. You stopped for just a second, catching your breath on a tree branch. You thought they were all down and taken care of, you did it, you took down so many. You turned over to Armin and threw him a smile. 'See, I'm strong, now'.

Your smile dropped as you saw a titan approach from behind him. Quickly, you sprung into action by using your ODM gear, and Eren’s words rung in your head. Protect him, protect Armin. You just were not quick enough. This was a lifestyle you chose. You knew the risks, you knew the dangers, you knew the statistics of not coming back. You were not quick enough, all you could do was knock Armin out of the way, taking his place instead. The titan smacked you harshly against a tree making your body fling back as Captain Levi sliced its nape open meticulously.

Your body began to slide down the tree, but you knew you wouldn't be making it home. Something snapped, you heard it. Something broke, and it aches all over. You put your hand on your stomach to see a sword sticking out. Your own damn sword. It must’ve gotten knocked around when you flung in the air. Armin quickly flew over to you and placed his hands on your stomach, the blood seeped through to his fingertips, no matter how hard he applied pressure.

"It's gonna be okay, you've gotta make it back. You promised Eren. You promised him."

"Armin... It's- ok- Okay. "

You struggled to get your words out through the pain. Your body felt so cold, so numb. You wanted to tell him how you felt, the insurmountable feelings you'd kept in and desperately hidden for so long. You couldn't find yourself to say the words, you just wanted to shut down. Shut down and close your eyes, shut down and rest. You slowly moved your bloody hands up to his face, and cupped his cheeks. He hand moved his right hand up and kept your hand there as tears slid down his cheeks.

"Don't close your eyes, please don't close your eyes!"

"T-Take care of, him. Mm-kay?"

Your uttered out your very last words. You barely managed to get them out, but you desperately needed to say them. You needed to go knowing Eren was safe, you needed to go knowing he would be taken care of. You needed to go with a mind of peace. That would be enough so long as he kept Eren safe. You needed your death not to be in vain. Your body didn't give him time to reply, it didn't give him time to say yes, I'll take care of him.

"No don't. Please... Please don't. Please stop! Please!"

Your eyes fluttered close, and the hand he held against his cheek went limp and grew ever so cold against him. You were gone, you were dead. Armin pulled you, and your still blood pooling body against his. He wrapped his arms around you and let his sobs dissipate into your now cold neck. You were gone, he had to get back to moving. You were gone, he needed to toss your body with the other dead bodies, should Captain Levi say they had the room to carry you back home. You were gone, and it was his fault. You were gone, he would have to live with this forever.

Eren stood by the entrance to the stables. He had just finished cleaning out all the stalls and refilling all the troughs with food and water, before Captain Levi left he told Eren to use this opportunity to clean out the empty stalls. He suspected that they would be returning soon, it had been a long time since you left. Eren would be lying if he said he didn't worry about you being outside the walls without him. He feared that one day you would face the same fate as your mother. He felt more at ease knowing Mikasa and Armin were out there with you. They'd help you, and you'd help them. You'd keep each other safe, and you all would return to him.

The sound of hooves could be heard as horses rode into the Survey Corps, headed straight to the stables where the hungry and thirsty horses could finally take a rest. Eren spotted Armin and gave him a wave before he kept on searching for you with his eyes. Armin slid off of his horse, not giving care as it walked off in search of water. All he cared about at that moment was talking to Eren.

He had to tell him, he felt like it needed to come from him. You were gone, you were dead. You died in his arms, and he wasn't quick enough to save you. He had to tell Eren what happened, but how do you even begin that conversation. How do you tell your best friend that his little sister is dead? That the last of his family is now gone?

"Why are you covered in blood? What happened?"

Eren's words fell on nearly deaf ears. He didn't hear him, not really, just the moving of his lips. He was still drowning in the shock. Your blood was on his clothes, your blood was dried against his skin. He hadn't been able to even bring your body home, and he wasn't even sure what had happened to your horse.

"Where's [Y/N]?"

"She- Eren... She's gone."

"No. You're... You're wrong. [Y/N] wouldn't- She promised me."

Eren clenched his fists at his side. There was no way you were gone, you couldn't be. You were all the family he had left. You promised him that you'd come back. There were still things he needed to do with you. You were supposed to help him rid the world of titans, you were supposed to get married and have him walk you down the aisle, he needed to watch you grow old with him in a titanless world. He was your big brother, he was supposed to protect you.

"Eren, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. She was a hero, she saved me. She died a hero."

"You bastard!"

With one quick motion, Eren pushed his clenched fist across Armin's face. He pulled it back and hit him again until he was on the ground. He hits him again and again, in a rageful frenzy. Armin just laid back and let Eren have his way with him. Every cut and bruise, he deserved. He deserves this. He should've saved you. He should've protected you for Eren. He should've been better.

"She loved you! She loved you, you bastard."

Tears streamed down Erens cheeks as Mikasa and Jean pulled him off of Armin. Armin let his tears trickle down his face and mix in with his own open wounds. The tears stung but it didn't match the ache in his heart. You felt the same way about him. You felt the same way about him the entire time, and now he would never get to tell you he returned those feelings.

[oof-big-oof]

ACOTAR and Setups Part II: Tamlin and Rhysand

SPOILERS: ACOTAR series (and Macbeth too ig)

Part 1: Feyre

In "Macbeth", Macbeth and Banquo are narrative foils to each other. While Banquo is loyal to the king and uses language of growth and imagery of nature when he speaks, the traitor Macbeth's words are full of references to destruction, fire, and unholy happenings. Foils are not just good ways to explore character traits, but also excellent for setting up conflicts and exploring the thematic concerns of the world.

I think it's safe to say Tamlin and Rhysand are foils. They have opposing imagery (spring, flowers and sun for Tamlin, winter, snow and night for Rhysand) and always stand in opposition to each other when it comes to Feyre's narrative, switching in and out of being the "bad guy" and the "good guy". But the way this is handled is .... eh.

I'm going to look at shifts in Feyre, Tamlin and Rhys that work of this foil - and try to look for when and how they were set up.

1. Feyre's shift - TW: discussions of abuse, mental health issues

In the first book, Tamlin is a source of protection and love for Feyre. But by the second book, Feyre is not only struggling with her PTSD but has begun to realise that life at the Spring Court as a dolled up accessory might not be for her. By the end of the book, she has found her place in the Night Court - by Rhysand's side. And honestly? Go girl! Go live up to your potential!

The problem arises with how this is done - that is, Sarah J Mass never does the brunt work of showing us why Feyre cares. It is plausible she is motivated by a desire to protect the human lands, but we never actually see that. There isn't a moment where she realises she needs to work for a greater good, or a moment she realises that she needs to protect those more vulnerable than her - instead, the narrative has her tolerating abuse until she finally has had enough.

Which is great. I have got to admit that I really like the explicit rejection of a happily ever after storyline for Feyre because it took away her agency. But we get this radical shift in character motivation from wanting to be protected and comfortable with those she loves to desiring agency and understanding of herself in two lines:

"The girl who had needed to be protected and who had craved stability and comfort... she had died Under the Mountain"

and

"I didn't know how to go back to those things. To being docile"

hhhhhh. I mean - if you have to say it that explicitly, you're already doing something wrong. But also, why? We never see Feyre struggling with herself in her new body, and wondering why she does not want the same things as she did when she was a human, never see an impetus point for when her desires shifted.

But honestly? I don't mind Feyre's arc. I think it's a bit confused and lacks clarity or intent, and as a result, it is harder to root for her because you don't quite know what she wants, but I think it's still quite good. Where I really have problems are with Tamlin ad Rhys.

2. Tamlin - TW: discussions of abuse, mental health issues

I am not a fan of Tamlin's arc. You could argue that it is part of the thematic message of the series: that things are not as they seem. Tamlin is the wolf to the savour to the abuser, Rhysand is the "most beautiful man " Feyre had ever seen to Amarantha's monster to Feyre's eventual mate. But - the constant twists are unnecessary, more importantly, they and have little to no foreshadowing and just seem like retcons- making it seem as if they are there to keep the audience guessing rather than genuine plot progressions. This becomes even more obvious when the series abandons its core theme of "appearance vs reality" altogether, and as a result loses a lot of its cohesion: a direct consequence of having a bad setup.

His reason for doing the abusive things he does is conveyed to us in two lines, in the same monologue that Feyre's motivation is:

"Tamlin had gotten his powers back, had become whole again - become that protector and provider he wished to be"

Sure. He was much more powerful than Feyre when they first met, so I am having a hard time buying it is the return of the powers that his making him act this way. We know that his actions come from a genuine desire to protect Feyre - this is the guy that was willing to sacrifice his life multiple times and the future of his entire court to keep her safe. The only justification we have left then for the way he acts is that his PTSD, borne out of the trauma and torture he underwent and watched Feyre undergo changed him in some way.

This is why the endless villainizing of Tamlin makes me really uncomfortable. While it is true that the abused can become the abuser, and figuring out how to help them while protecting yourself is something that absolutely needs to be discussed and explored - the way it is done with Tamlin is horrendous because he is never given a chance to heal. Instead, he is thrown from plot point to plot point, an eternal punching bag for the Inner Circle and others to seem morally superior in front of.

And his treatment of Feyre is just weird. If he's so concerned about her safety - why does he not wake up when she has nightmares? Is he instead trying to pretend like everything is okay - if so why does he give Feyre an escort of guards? If his core motivation is protecting Feyre at all costs - why does he lash out at her?? And the text really tries to tell us how to feel about him in this regard, but it doesn't do it very well. For example, take the scene where Tamlin says "There is no such thing as a High Lady". Feyre a second before expressed her desire not to take on any responsibility, and Tamlin responded with this - and the text really makes us want to hate him for it, but all you can see is a person who is perhaps not the best at reading subtext trying his best.

In conclusion - Tamlin's shift to the villain of the narrative is hamhanded and underexplained, making it hard to genuinely hate him, and further confusing the narrative.

3. Rhys the foil gets the girl - TW: discussions of abuse, sexual assault mental health issues

Rhysand in the first book is interesting - he clearly has a heart and a soft spot for Feyre but is also a schemer with dubious motives that drugs and sexually harasses Feyre. There are places in the set up where we understand he cares - but never where we can begin to see he might be a genuine paragon of virtue.

And I will address this more in my post on ACOMAF, but the point I am trying to make here is: we are told through the constantly opposing imagery that Rhys and Tamlin are wolds apart - but never actually given examples of how. Rhys is said to be different from Tamlin because he respects Feyre's choice - but he drugs her in a bunch of weird scenes (that serve no clear narrative purpose by the way - like what was he trying to achieve? why he couldn't he just let Feyre in on that part of the plan?) and withholds information from her about life-threatening situations. Rhys is said to pull less rank - but we multiple times see others defer to him, especially in later books, and never actually see rank being enforced in Tamlin's court with his treatment of Lucien (many times described as his partner, and openly questioning him) and later Ianthe. Rhys is said to have less archaic laws in opposition to Tamlin's Tithe - but he abandons the Court of Nightmares to the monsters who rule it, and never takes serious actions against the Illyrian people who clip of women's wings, and a lot of Tamlin's idea of racial superiority and general superiority just come completely out of left field in the middle of ACOMAF.

Both of them are problematic - it's just that the text tells us to root for one, without actually showing us how one is better, or setting up any clear ideological difference between them. And that cheapens Feyre's character shift and lessen the efficacy of the foil - turning it into Feyre hopping from one lover to the other with little to no character consistency and no nuanced exploration of the theme of the series or trauma.

[ohtobeaspettyasleah]

My friend, Lorelei.

Could’ve had it all.

Ethan watched as Lorelei Figgs signed off on the contract he’d given her to read over three days ago, wondering about how Grayson would react when Ethan ultimately decided the perfect time to drop the not so convenient bombshell that he’d gone ahead and hired a new assistant.

Yes, in hindsight, it was a decision they as business partners and brothers were supposed to do so together. But with Grayson in the content and unbothered relaxed state he was thriving in back in Jersey, Ethan didn't want to be the villain in the story. He wanted Grayson to be okay, him not being okay meant Ethan wasn't okay and when they both weren’t okay? it spelt chaos for all involved. Someone who understood that perfectly and knew how to manage that was Adele. For a year it had been Adele. It still confused the fuck out of Ethan as to why Adele had approached him not two weeks ago, it would forever be a mystery. But an alternate decision he, as a friend and boss, accepted. 

“I didn't even know you were thinking about quitting.” Ethan sighed with a heavy heart as he stood from his chair. “You okay? Need some more time off? Gray and i can always make changes for you, you’re way too valuable to lose Adele, so don't give me that crap about not being good at your job.” Adele chuckled as she sniffled, tears welling as she nodded.

“I didn't even know you were thinking about quitting.” Ethan sighed with a heavy heart as he stood from his chair. “You okay? Need some more time off? Gray and i can always make changes for you, you’re way too valuable to lose Adele, so don't give me that crap about not being good at your job.” Adele chuckled as she sniffled, tears welling as she nodded.

“I don't even know what else to say besides it's just time for me to move on, can't be an assistant all my life, you know? Besides, mums have been pushing for me to go to college and I think she's right.” Ethan wasn't about to lie to himself, the timing was incredibly inconvenient. With Grayson slowly descending into a darker, deeper hole by the hour? Ethan felt the overwhelming pressure of finding a new assistant just as reliable as Adele had been. 

Adele had a heart of pure gold, Ethan knew that from the second she signed on the dotted line to single handedly keep him and his equally as chaotic twin in order. Organise their lives so to speak. But Ethan had no clue as to why Adele so easily gave up a job that made work seem like living. It would be hard to find a job that lived up to the work environment Ethan and Grayson Dolan provided her with. The benefits. The pay grade. 

Adele had one reason and one reason only: Her friend, Lorelei. 

“Thanks again, really--i mean i know i probably wasn't the most experienced person you could have picked but i appreciate the opportunity.” lorelei pushed back the contact she’d signed with no hesitation, watching as Ethan smiled. 

“Adele's word meant a lot more to me than anything on paper, so I guess you're welcome?” Ethan chuckled. “Anyway, so, you start tomorrow, we’ll go over everything on the DT laptop but there's a welcome to the team package on the kitchen bench for you, its go a few hoodies, candles, laptop--”

“Shit, wait” Lorelei covered her mouth as Ethan laughed, standing from his chair and opening the door, leading Lorelei down the hall towards the kitchen. “This is insane, why would you do that?” 

“You think that's over the top? They brought me an apartment” Mando piped in from the lounge, playing with his camera. “Welcome to the team by the way! Im Mando.” he stood quickly, smiling bright as he shook Lorelei’s hands gently. 

“Lorelei! But my friends call me Lori--”

“I like that, that's a dope name.” Ethan couldn't help but laugh at Mando. 

“Anyway, this is all yours, take it home, if you need help setting the laptop up bring outback tomorrow and I'll run through it with you, Mando can always help too, so don't be afraid to ask. He’s had like 55 jobs so he's basically a genius”

“I know little about alot” He responded, sending Lorelei herself into a deep rooted laugh. Dropping her head with a soft smile as Ethan led her out the door to the drive, forever grateful to be given a second chance at life. Feeling dizzy as she struggled to place her Nasal cannula around her head. Twisting the little tank to reverse that hit she needed. Her head falling back against her seat as she closed her eyes and sat panicked in her car down the road. 

“You’re good” Lorelei sighed as she started her car. “You’re good, You’re good, You’re good, You’re good.” remembering how not three months ago she couldn't do it on her own. Adele playing her cards close to her chest, said nothing, to noone. 

“I'm gonna take care of you Lore, He’ll never hurt you again.” holding Lorelei's hand as she waited for an ambulance. “I'm so sorry i didn't see it'' Lorelei tried to speak, but her jaw wouldn't move. Busted and broken and bloodied and bruised to no end. She looked like roadkill. Half dead and left to die. Sitting in her car she opened her eyes. Wiping away tears as she calmed herself down from the near panic attack that had her feeling like she couldn't breathe. It was true though, she couldn't sometimes. Having just handed in her contract had her gasping for air as she walked down the driveway. Ethan was stoked Lorelei had turned out to be everything Adele had made her out to be already. 

Now all he had to do now? was tell Grayson.

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***

A/N: this is a concept series. K. Love you.

[myinnersoul1412]

Hatori Novel Smexy scene 1

I'm not good at drawing, and I'm good at writing either so I hope this could somewhat serve at a present for fellow Domestica fans on Hatori’s birthday

Please note that it's translated by Google translate + a few more translator+ some common sense or interpretation so please take it with a grain of salt. I don't know Japanese beyond the basic characters but I'm just doing it because I love them so much

Even though the translation probably sucks, please don’t bring it anywhere since I spent a ton of time on it and just want to share.

Prior to this scene, Hatori and Yoshino were on a date at to collect materials for the manuscript. The setting is on Christmas’eve. They went to a Chinese restaurant to eat together, and while the food was good, Yoshino commented that Tori’s food was still better. During the meal, Hatori had to step outside for a work phone call because a newbie author (female, 2nd year college) wanted to ask his opinion on her storyboard.

Funny note: Hatori hated taking pictures but still posed as models for Yoshino to take pics anyway. 

Some touching lines:

Speaking of the real intention, it is not without thinking that this convenient dream will be awakened by the sudden impetus. The end may come someday, but I'm still going to enjoy this happiness. Even if this comes to an end some day, now that you have enjoyed all this happiness, even if you wake up from a dream, you will never forget it.

(If I say this to Yoshino, the him from way before would have been stunned **)

He secretly smiles at his self-ridicule. Of course, he wants to be with Yoshino his whole life.

As long as he’s allowed to be by his side, he’s not going to leave.It's just that that feeling and his wish for Yoshino's happiness are a little different. In the unlikely event that Hatori’s presence could be a burden or have a negative effect, he intends to behave accordingly. It is a commandment to himself.

This smexy scenes comes after their date. Enjoy!

Because this year progress is not desperate, there are no assistants coming in and out, and Yanase should be stuck at the seinenshi’s sensei place.(T/N: magazine for young men)

 “Well then. Don't stay up late today and go to bed early. Good luck with the manuscript tomorrow”  

“…………”

For some reason, Yoshino didn't try to step out, even though Hatori tried to see him off at the branch road to his home. On the contrary, he was pinching Hatori’s coat and holding it down.

“Yoshino?”

Yoshino’s cheeks that were looking down were slightly red. It didn't look like he was drunk, but could it be the afterglow of alcohol? 

“------You know. Normally, you wouldn’t go home on a day like this?”

“?”

 He didn't understand what Yoshino was saying, and the former had a perplexed face. In response to such a dull reaction from Hatori, Yoshino stamped his feet on the ground.

 “So! You're back from a date!”

 I looked(T/N: look, but with eyes wide open) at Yoshino who raised his voice frustratingly. I couldn’t hide the surprise that Yoshino also perceived today as a date.  

 “What’s with that face! Even though you can add embarrassing scenes to a plot, what do you mean you can't do it in real life……”

 Yoshino murmured the dissatisfying words. I rubbed my eyes to see if I was having a convenient dream, but it seemed to be reality.

 “I want to confirm, that is to say ---”

 “Read the mood in times like this!”

 He held his breath against Yoshino who glared at him with a red face.  

 (This is……is it okay to accept the invitation……?)

 In retrospect, today's Yoshino was somewhat strange from the beginning. I wondered if it might even snow, but I would be troubled if he got angry.  

 “Can I stay the night?”

 “………”

 When asked straight, Yoshino dyed red to his neck and nodded a little.  

Both of them were silent on their way to Yoshino’s room. Every step I took made me feel more nervous. My body temperature gradually rose, even though the cold night breeze was brushing my cheeks.

“Ah? Where did I put the key?”

 Yoshino panicked in front of the room. He was just looking at the pockets in his coat and trousers, and he seemed to be forgetting the bag on his shoulder.  

 “Is it there in your bag pocket?”

 “R-right”

 The fingers that opened the zipper were trembling. Yoshino, who had no sense of control, dropped the key. The sound of bumpy metal crashed into the hallway.

 “I'll open it”

 Hatori picked up the key and opened the front door. At that moment, Yoshino felt small and seemed to be holding his breath.  

 “Thank- thank you”

 Open the door and encourage Yoshino to enter first. Yoshino’s movement walking in front of me started to feel more jerky.  

 “Um, do you want something to drink?”

 The voice which asked the question was trembling too. Even though I was just nervous, it seemed like Yoshino's tension was infectious.  

 I guessed I should have gotten used to it, since we had already done it so many times, but I didn’t want to look so dismayed in front of the person I liked.

 “No”

 “Ah, then how about a shower?

 “……Ah”

 His pink nape caused the little amount of reason remaining in me to give away. I held Yoshino’s shoulders, turned him around, and strongly kissed him.

 “Nnn……?”

 Perhaps surprised by Hatori's brute force, Yoshino’s eyes were wide open. However, immediately, the body’s tension was released and his eyelids lowered.  Eating his lips and twisting his tongue, Yoshino put his hands on Hatori's back. As the kiss deepened, the more they clung into each other.(T/N: literal translation is “the stronger the clinging force became”)

 “Nnn,n,nn……”

Embracing Yoshino's body, which was gradually melting, I became absorbed and devoured his lips. Every time I entangled my tongue, I heard a wet sound. I teased his tongue which was trying to entangle awkwardly, and enjoyed the mouth that was hotter than usual. I wanted to continue more, but when I noticed Yoshino who seemed to be suffocating, I broke the kiss with the feeling that my back hair was getting pulled.  

“……Stupid, we're still in the hallway”

Yoshino complained while being out of breath. Hatori strongly pulled Yoshino’s waist, who was glaring up at him with flushed cheeks, and whispered into his ear.  

 “It’s your fault for stirring me up(t/n: to stir up, to incite, to agitate). And you were responding, too”

 “That, that was just conditioned reflex……”

 “Is that so?”

 “What do you want to say!”

 “I didn’t say anything”

 “There's something written all over your face”  

 It was a sulking look, but there was sweetness in the gaze (T/N: not very sure about this part). Towards Yoshino who showed a sullen face due to the embarrassment, sadistic desires were aroused.

 “What is written, can you tell me carefully?”

 “Eh?-----Uwa”

 Heading to the bedroom while holding the waist, they fell into the bed entangled together.

 “Oi Tori----------”

 Fueled by Yoshino's moist eyes, he kissed him again as if he was being sucked in. He repeated the devouring kisses and ran his hands over Yoshino's clothes. While sighing and moaning into the sealed kiss, I pinned down and felt around/groped the thin body. Rolling up the inner knitwear, I touched his bare skin.

 I managed to get rid of the coat, and I was frustrated by the difficulty of movement while loosening the belt, and realized that I had not even taken off my jacket yet.

 (I really can't afford it)

 Internally, Hatori laughed bitterly at his impatience. He roughly stripped off his coat and jacket, which normally would have been dutifully hung, and pulled out his tie.  

 “Hey, slow down a bit………”

 “I can't”

 “Then try harder!”

If you answered immediately, you would get a retort from Yoshino. When I stroked around the area where Yoshino’s ribs had previously floated, Yoshino stirred under Hatori. It was still a bit thin, but it had gained a lot of flesh after all my daily efforts.

 “I'm deeply moved/very emotional that I've come to be able to grab it”

 “Oi, hey, don’t rub it……!”

 When Hatori grabbed his side, Yoshino wriggled ticklishly.  

“Then, how about here?”  

“Hya—”

He moved his hand further up, gently stroked the tip of his chest with the pad of his thumb, and then crushed it, a shrill voice escaped Yoshino's lips.The ticklish Yoshino was sensitive here too. When stimulated, it easily hardened. 

“Ah, mmm, ouch, stupid, not so hard”

 “You like it when it hurts, don't you?”  

 When you pinched it, the body jumped.

 “Ahh, n,nnn……!”

 When I knead it with some strength, it reddened like a fruit, and Yoshino rubbed his knees together as if frustrated. It looked like his nipples weren’t the only things getting hard.  

 When I forcibly split his knees and pressed my leg against his groins, I felt a hard tantalizing touch.

 “Ugh.... ah, wait, ah, ah”

 Rubbing it with your thigh made it even more tense. Hatori pushed down Yoshino's pants, which had been loosened at the waist. His underwear had changed color at some parts.

 “You're already wet”

 When I told him the fact, Yoshino turned red to his ears.  

 “W-Well, I'm not the only one... ah”

 “Maybe so”  

 “Ah……!?”

 He ran his index finger over the elastic of Yoshino’s underwear and lightly pulled it down, revealing a taut member. Hatori traced up the warped underside and scooped the moistened tip with his fingertips.

 “Ahh, ah………”

 When I wrapped my fingers around the whole cock and rubbed it gently, Yoshino let out a sweet and seductive/mellow voice. His appearance when clutching the bedsheet and enduring the pleasure was lovely.

 (How cute/How lovely)  

 He was usually sloppy, and he was quick to whine, but at the root of Yoshino's character is a stubbornness that hated to lose. Once he had made a decision, no matter what, he was not going to change it.

 “Yoshino, take that off”

 “Get ready first, you idiot...”

 While rebuking Hatori, Yoshino reached into a drawer on the sideboard. He found what he was looking for, and embarrassed to present something that could be used on him, he carelessly pressed it against my chest.  

 “Thank you”

 The bottle of lotion and the box of contraceptives that he had ready were new. I wondered what kind of expression did Yoshino buy these things with.

Resisting the urge to pursue the answer, I took the content in the palm of my hand. Making sure to squeeze it and spread it all over my fingers, I wrapped around his excitement again.  

 “Hya……ah,ah……!”

 When I made it slimy up and down, Yoshino's moan became even sweeter. After making it feel as tight as it could be, I probed behind with my wet fingers.  

 “Mmm,mm”

Yoshino sighed when I forcibly pushed my fingertips into the tightly closed place. He didn’t realize that he was tightening his limbs, but I pushed my fingers deeper and deeper.

 “Ngh,nghh……”

 Yoshino clenched his teeth as he endured the sensation of being probed inside his body.  It was not originally designed to accept foreign substances, but he slowly got used to it as lotion was added several times along the way.  Every time I pulled my finger in and out, a lewd squelching sound was heard.  

 “Ah…ah,ah……mm”

Yoshino's hands wandered around on the bed looking for something to cling to. Eventually, he grabbed a pillow and pulled it over to bury his face in it. Realizing that he didn’t want to let out his voice, I moved my fingers even more.  

 “Ah, ah, ah……!”  

 With increased fingers, I pushed hard against the inner wall and Yoshino's body jumped like a fish on land. I could tell that he was getting pleasure from the melting moans/charming moans.  

 I already knew all of Yoshino’s sensitive spots. I couldn’t afford to tease him today. Just tortured severely the spots where he would surely react.  

 “No, not only there, ahhh, ah!”  

 Yoshino wasn’t negative/contradictory about getting pleasure, but when he felt too good, he suddenly got scared.  I could understand the uneasiness of feeling like I was no longer myself. But I had no intention of toning it down.(T/N: other possible meanings: keeping it moderate/mild)

 “Aahh, no, ah, ah----!?”  

 The root of the arousal that was about to burst was tightened and the i that would have been risen was suppressed. Yoshino, who was going to be released, stared at Hatori with an agitated expression/ in turmoil.  

 “W-why……”  

 “You can hold it a bit more right?”  

 If I made him come first on a tiring day, he often fell asleep immediately after that. As expected, it would be a problem if that were to happen today.  I was already painfully tense. It wouldn’t be easy to take care of it alone.  

 “You have to take responsibility for the invitation”

 “Ahh……”  

 As I pulled out the fingers that were probing inside, a sweet, trembling voice escaped. I had feared it might still be a little tight, but my patience had already reached the limit.  

 “Are you ready?”(T/N: “Is it okay?”)

 “……Do whatever you want”(T/N: ……Suit yourself”)  

 With Yoshino's permission, I pushed open his knees. I restlessly loosened my waist and pulled my excited self out from the underwear.  I quickly put on the condom and when I fit into the prepared spot, the body temperature and pulsation were transmitted vividly.

 “Ah------”  

 I pushed the tip in with a huff. Running out of patience, I shoved in mercilessly.  Although it was still narrow/tight as he thought, but it had already learned Hatori’s shape and accepted him without refusal.  

 I secretly let out a sigh from the pleasure of being wrapped in the soft mucous membrane.

 “Nghh……why……why is it so big……ngh”  

 Yoshino glared at me resentfully with teary eyes. This might be more of a whining rather than a complaint. I was embarrassed to be complained about the body’s physiological reaction. It wasn’t something that could be controlled by reason.  

 “Of course it's because I want you. There isn’t any guy who’s not excited about holding someone he loves”  

“Idiot ......ngh”

 It was unreasonable to be spit a verbal abuse at like that even though I answered his question. In a fit of anger, I forcefully pushed it to the root, and cloudy whiteness was scattered by the momentum/impetus/force.

 “Ahh……ngh”

 He seemed to have come just by stimulation at the back because he was made to endure it earlier. The bodily fluid overflowing from the explosion was scattered across the thin abdomen.

 “I didn't say that you could come first right?”

 “B-but……”

 I wiped the overflowing bodily fluids with my fingers and treat Yoshino's arousal as if to smear it. I rubbed it hard, and it got tighter there with Hatori inside.

 “Ahh, ah, no, I’m going to come again……”

 “That won’t do. It's better if we come together right?”

 “Yeah ... but ...ngh”

 “You can't hold it for me?”

 “Meany Tori……Uh, ah, ah, nghh, ngh!”  

 What Yoshino said not to do was the same as what he said he wanted you to do. The reaction inside changed depending on the intensity of the stimulus. As I was enjoying the change, I was complained to by Yoshino, who was on the verge of tears.

“No, idiot, don't play anymore……ngh”  

 “You want me to focus more here?”

 “Ahngh!?”  

 I gave a hard shove at the place where our bodies connected.  

 “No, ahhh, ah, ah……ngh”

 I put myself into the root and shook up our connected bodies. Every time I sent my hips in, Yoshino's body jolted and trembled. I grabbed Yoshino's waist and held him up, bending his back heavily, and stirred his lotion-soaked wet insides mercilessly.

 “Ahhngh, ahh, no……ngh”  

While greedily gouging out the tangled mucous membranes, I drilled into the back again and again. When I sent my hip into the right place, Yoshino gasped as if to cry. That voice and expression further fueled Hatori. Hatori threw off his self-control and thrust up Yoshino in his lust.

 “Agh,ahh,ahhng,aah!”  

 At first, Yoshino was at my mercy, but gradually he started to move. It was unintentional, and probably unconscious. It was a pleasure that flew off all reasons, and he was trying to get more of it. Even if it was an act of instinct, it didn’t change what the expectation was.

 What Yoshino wanted, I just gave him exactly that

 (--------I’m really sly/cunning)  

 Every time I hold Yoshino like this, I felt indescribable elation and guilt.

All Yoshino must have had for Hatori, until the later revealed his hidden lust, were the feelings of comfort, friendship, and trust of a childhood friend. There might have been some sort of monopoly, but it probably wasn't that of love. I dragged Yoshino to this side, imposed my not-so-pretty desires on him, and instilled lust.

Even if Yoshino had had such experience, it was with the opposite sex and he was not in the receiving position. As a man, there must have been some confusion for him. Nevertheless, it was thanks to his generosity that he had accepted the position of being embraced on the receiving end.

He might not be aware of it himself, but Yoshino was the one who had the gut when the time came. Hatori's prudence was a mask to hide his mean, negative and cowardly self.

 “Ah! Not there, no, aghn, ah, aghn!”

 "Can't you say anything other than denial once in a while?"

 “Sh-shut up…..nghh”

 When I pointed out his lack of vocabulary, he glared at me with moist eyes. He usually had a face that didn’t seem to have anything to do with sexual things. But when he was embraced, he had such a face, so I couldn’t stand it. As I repeatedly thrust into the back, the connected part became loose. At that moment, I pulled myself out as much as I could and pushed it in.

 “Aaahhh……ngh”

With each extraction, the voice that spilled out became sweeter and sweeter. As I continued to gouge out the tightly-clung inner walls, Yoshino's face became distorted with pleasure.

 “You like it here right?”

“Yes, it feels good……nghh”  (T/N: Alternative: I like it. It feels good)

The reason why I deliberately asked the question when reason had failed was because I could hear an honest answer now.

 “Here?”  

 “Ughahh, ah,ah, ah….ngh”

 Yoshino, who was writhing and gasping, was driven even harder. When he squirmed and swayed, the thin body slid up on the bed.  

 “No, nghh, agnh, ah, ah……!”

Vigorously pulling his hips closer and thrusting even deeper. Yoshino also tangled his legs around Hatori's waist and clung to his back.  His lips came close to mine as if a pleading from Yoshino. Biting and kissing, I devoured on the impulse/urge.

 “Nn,n,n,nn……ngh”

 As I rocked my hips with our bodies close together, Yoshino's erection, which was overflowing with semen, rubbed against my abdomen. It seemed that the limit was already in sight.

When I parted my lips, there was a face right there that looked like it was about to burst into tears.

 “Tori……ngh, already, I’m coming, please……nghh”

In the blink of an eye, a single tear fell from Yoshino's eyes. I thought I'd tease him more, but I changed my mind on that expression.

“I know”

 Immediately, I increased the pace and caught up with Yoshino.  

 “Ahh, ahh, ah……ngh”  

 “-------Chiaki”

 “AH-----!?”

After an intense urging, they came almost simultaneously. Yoshino's lower abdomen quivered intermittently, overflowing with white turbidity.

 “Ah, nn……ngh”

 Then, after Hatori poured all the proof of his desire into Yoshino, he also pulled himself out. We remained silent, waiting for the heat to recede from our bodies. As I closed my eyes and surrendered to the pleasant exhaustion, Yoshino opened his mouth with rough breathing.

“……I've been meaning to tell you this for a while”

“Hm?”

“It’s foul play to call my name like that!”

Yoshino caught his breath, then paused, and grudgingly complained in Hatori's ear.

Personal notes: Hatori’s monologue is so sad omgg...the scene is like both sexy and hurt at the same time...what a writer

[bts5sosempire]

Goodbye Yoongi

A/n: let me feed some angst here.

Pairing: Min Yoongi x Reader

Words: 1,244

Genre: Angst

Summary: Finding an out of the relationship seems harder than you would think, but it's for the best. To save yourself from further heartache.

. . . . .

You were far from being pissed off, in fact, you were angry. Angry and upset to be precise. You don't know when this relationship had failed. You don't know what went wrong. You don't know why you try so hard to keep feeding yourself to the fire.

And that fire is Min Yoongi.

“Enough.” You said, your voice calm as your face void of any emotions. It didn't match up. As he tries to grab your arm, you yanked it away from his hold.

“Don't touch me.” You said, walking past him to the once shared bedroom.

This is the first time Yoongi had seen you this upset. He didn't know it would affect you this much. Even if he's able to read your emotions quite well, this is the first time he feels you treated him like a stranger and now, you are being very mysterious and unreadable. But the only thing he's able to pick up from you is anger and betrayal.

Hearing something shatters in the bedroom, he quickly run and slam the door open to find you hunched over picking up a picture frame and glass shard. He remembers the silver frame very well, it was a photo of him and you a year ago, the picture of your four year wedding anniversary.

He sees you already dress up from head to toe, suitcase open and half of your clothes are already there.

The panic rise in him. The mood and tension in the bedroom are heavier than the one in the living room. Yoongi saw you walk over the garbage can and dump the glass shard along with the picture frame.

“What are you doing?” He slightly moves you out of the way and bends over the garbage can to pick out the picture frame.

“What am I doing? I'm doing you a favor by throwing it away, like how you threw away our relationship. So why are you still holding onto a picture frame that doesn't seem to hold any values to you anymore?” Shoving pass him, you put more clothes in your suitcase and close it shut before zipping it up.

Yoongi grabs the picture frame back and put it back on the night table. “You're not leaving me.” He spins you around to face him, as he grabs both of your forearms.

“Too bad that I am, I can't stand staying under the same roof knowing that my husband had brought over a woman and slept with her countless time on the bed.” You speak with such monotone that Yoongi can't decipher if you are serious or not. But he knows that you are a person who's very truthful when it comes to giving opinions and answers.

“N-No you're joking…you're not leaving me alone. We made an oath!” Fear creeps into Yoongi's heart.

“The oath that you broke, not me Yoongi. And you're not the one who's controlling my fate, I do, and I'm tired of blaming myself for the being the bad person in this relationship when it's clearly you. So own up to your own sins Yoongi.” You shrugged off his hands on your forearms, “After all….you reap what you sow.” Turning away from him, you grab your suitcase off the bed and haul it behind you.

“N-No (Name) I begged you.” He stops in front of you. You try to shove him aside. Even with his thin body, he still manages to block you from leaving.

“I'm serious Yoongi, move out of the way!”

He refuses too.

“If you still love me then let me go!” you shouted at him, patience wearing thin on your sleeve.

“I just want you to love me, all I ever wanted and needed was you!” He shouted this time and you stop all struggle.

Clicking your tongue in disbelief, there was a twist of disgust filled you as tears welled up in your eyes. “Huh? I did, but you had no problem finding someone else to love you.” Your strong front start to crumble in front of him, as your voice waver. “You know, I used to think of how happy we would be, I always thought about the future and how we have kids and we both grow old….together, but now it's nothing more than just dust. So can you please just let me leave?” You were crying as Yoongi didn't move at all.

He feels all kinds of emotions rushing through him, all the conversations of the past and present came back to him like a bullet.

.

“Hey, what do you think if we kids of our own?” You ask, laying next to him with your head on his chest. You poke his cheek's in the process. Yoongi only looks down at you and he saw your adoring smile. He only boop your nose.

“It would be great to have our kids someday, but I want to focus on my career at the moment.”

“That's why I said ‘if’ Yoongi, I'll wait until you're ready. I know that you want to make our life better, but just don't push yourself too hard okay?”

•

“Boo!” Yoongi jumps a little and sees you appear next to him and kiss his jawline, before settling next to him. “How's your work coming along?” You lay your head in his shoulder and look out at the corner of your eyes. Yoongi hum before setting his head on top of yours.

“It's coming out great.” he replied.

“Can I listen to it? When you're done?” Yoongi grab your hand and bring it up to his lips to kiss it.

“You can listen to a track I've made in progress.” he suggested and you suddenly look at him with a pure look of happiness in your eyes.

“Really? Then hand it over!”

Yoongi hands you his earphone and you gladly take it from him. You waited for a few seconds and you hear the soft sounds before beats were added. There were some vocals slowly singing into it, and it was Jungkook voice. As the song progress on, there were Jimin and Taehyung combining their voice together in the background, and Namjoon rapping a few lines then J-Hope. There was a sudden pause. “Why did you pause it?”

“If I go any further, you would have wanted me to play you the whole song instead.”

“No! I wouldn't!”

“You always say that.”

•

“Happy Birthday Yoongi!” you and the boys surprise him as soon as he also inside his home. Yoongi looks a little surprise before it shifted into an annoyed one then a happy one. Talk about three mood swing in a matter of seconds.

He came over to you and give you a hug and a kiss to the temple. “Did you forget that your birthday is today?” He heard you ask.

“Quiet.” Yoongi said. You only laugh at his response. He did forget that today was his birthday. Yoongi went over to his brothers and give them friendly hugs. How touché of him.

.

Yoongi took a step towards you. You shook your head at him and walk around him, hauling your suitcase behind you.

Leaving was harder then you thought it would be. Each step you take to feel like you were stuck in mud or quicksand. Wiping away your tears, your sniffling can be heard in the quiet hallway.

And Yoongi just stays rooted on his spot.

This was the end of both your chapter.

[nellie-elizabeth]

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: I'm Finding My Bliss (4x14)

Yep, another good episode. Who's surprised?

Cons:

This isn't actually a problem with the episode, but maybe a function of me not being able to get my head out of my ass, but I'm still finding it hard to wholeheartedly support the idea of Rebecca and Greg. Skylar Astin is doing a fantastic job, and whenever he's sharing scenes with other characters, I'm totally sold on this being Greg. But when he's with Rebecca, the energy and chemistry that they bring to the relationship just does not feel like a continuation of what they built back in Seasons One and Two. It's compelling in its own, way, but it feels like a separate thing.

I wish Valencia hadn't given Beth an ultimatum like that, but I suppose we'll wait and see what the fallout is in the next few episodes. I really should reserved judgment, and I thought Valencia had a fascinating journey in this episode, but I'm a little bit frustrated at the idea of Valencia and Beth's relationship ending in these last few episodes. We'll have to see what happens.

Pros:

Paula getting amazing job offers is so great! I'm genuinely happy for her. I saw someone else review this show and point out that in a less nuanced version of this same story, Paula would have seriously considered staying put because of her friendship with Darryl. Then, Darryl would have the realization about letting Paula go, and only with his blessing would Paula agree that it was time to move on. But no. Paula has worked very hard to achieve her dream, and here in this moment she knows that she's worth it. Of course she feels bad about hurting Darryl and leaving behind a place where she's worked for so long, but that doesn't mean she'd ever consider putting Darryl ahead of herself. That's huge, for a character who had to put her dreams on hold for such a long time. Also, just as a quick note, I love Darryl a lot. I love that he was able to come to terms with Paula leaving because he wants his friend to be happy. Sure, he might want to keep her around, but he would never try to manipulate her or guilt her into staying. I love him.

Another character I'm very happy for is Greg. He has something of a mini-arc in this episode where he realizes, with the help of the ever-wise Heather, that it's not West Covina that Greg has always had a problem with - it was just his own self-hatred. His business-school thesis project, to reopen his family's restaurant, goes well, and he decides he's going to stay in town and reopen the restaurant for real. I just want to say, that separate from his relationship with Rebecca, Greg coming back and realizing that this place can be home for him is quite moving. I had my doubts about Greg's return, since it seemed like he had genuinely found peace and happiness elsewhere. But this is a thing that happens to people - they grow, they change, and their thoughts and feelings grow with them. Whether or not Greg and Rebecca end up together in the end, I'm happy Greg has stuck around. Also, Skylar Astin's reprise of "Hey, West Covina" was absolutely beautiful. He's got an amazing voice, and his version really highlighted the joy of his epiphany.

Like I said, I'm torn about Valencia and Beth, but I do want to praise Gabrielle Ruiz's performance. This is something of a backslide for Valencia, as she suddenly pins all of her hopes and dreams on marriage, with the idea that all her problems will be solved if she can just get down the aisle. However, we also see how she has grown. She pouts and grumbles, but her relationship with Beth is built on real love and respect. She comes clean to Beth and tells her exactly how she's feeling, and while she might have been a bit more tactful about it, I still ultimately think this was proof of Valencia's growth.

Oh, Josh. This week, we see that both Josh and Nathaniel get involved with the local musical production in order to be around Rebecca. In a way, both of these men are doing the kind of thing Rebecca would have done to be around Josh in the earlier seasons of the show. However, there's a twist with both cases. With Josh, it's the fact that he doesn't go as far as Rebecca would go, and he just sort of quietly fails in his quest to connect with Rebecca. Sure, she's happy to see him and glad he's helping out, but they don't have a character moment or a beat where it looks like Josh is winning her over. I hope that we get to see an honest character resolution for Josh, because honestly, of the three main suitors I've got to say that Josh's continued interest in Rebecca is the most troubling. It's not founded on a real connection or real romantic feelings. It seems like Josh is acting out and needs to focus on his own personal growth. I don't like his behavior in this episode, but it's a "pro" in terms of the story's development, because I think we need to see Josh overcome these hurdles the same way we saw Rebecca do.

But then there's Nathaniel. He is also doing something a little over the top in order to spend time with Rebecca, but I honestly think his behavior, while a bit unhealthy, isn't the same type of twisted manipulation we've seen Rebecca use over the years. Sure, he lets himself get roped in to being a part of the musical, but we see that throughout the rehearsal process, Nathaniel doesn't do anything to make Rebecca feel smothered or uncomfortable. It's not just a smokescreen - he really does learn the song, and learns Rebecca's song too. He really does intend to be a part of this thing. And there's nothing inherently creepy or wrong about doing an activity to be around someone you care about, although I do admit it's problematic that he doesn't tell her this until the end of the episode. Here's the bottom line of the situation, though: when Nathaniel went out there to sing Rebecca's song with the changed lyrics, he wasn't doing it in order to win her affection. He was doing it to make her happy, because he cares about her and he could tell this was important to her. That's huge. I'm not necessarily rooting for these two to end up together, but I find the delicate and intricate relationship between them to be very fascinating and touching. Rebecca's line: "someone else is singing my song," was huge, by the way. Whatever ends up happening between these two, I think that was a great moment for both characters.

And we'll end with Rebecca, appropriately. This episode was huge for her character development. We start with a somewhat familiar concept - Rebecca has found something or someone that she thinks is going to make her whole life better - if she can just a) be with Josh or b) be with Greg or c) be with Nathaniel or d) devote herself to being single or e) open a pretzel shop and get out of the legal profession, or f) go back into musical theatre... then suddenly everything in her life is going to click and make perfect sense. That's the setup, and if we know Rebecca, she's going to go to any lengths to make sure that her dream comes true. She'll warp reality to suit her purposes and make the experience what she hoped it would be.

Except... she doesn't. She's not great a singing, and she knows that, but she gives it her all, and is really excited by the song that she gets. Then, while she starts to become disillusioned with the message and lyrics of the song, she still practices and comes to rehearsal and doesn't let everything get all dark and twisty. She tries to change the lyrics and take ownership of the song's message, and she doesn't have a total breakdown when things go wrong. At the end of the day, Rebecca's first experience getting back into musical theatre goes horribly. But she's okay. She's not losing her mind. She's processing, and she's disappointed, but she's not going to give up just because of this setback. That's huge. I think this is a great personal accomplishment for Rebecca, and it's not due just to Nathaniel's interference, or any other external force. It's thanks to all of the hard work she's put in to building herself a healthy life.

And that's that! I can't believe how close we are to the end. I'm going to be extra super-duper emotional when this show comes to an end, I can tell you that!

9/10

[jordan202]

Hi Jordan, I read your review and I'm interested in why you dislike the Betty and Leo storyline and particularly the borderline illegality of it. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

Hey, thanks for the message! Ok, so let me take this from the start.

These kids came onto the show in a moment where Owen had decided on a whim to do something for himself (adopt a kid) right after he came back from a trip he also decided to take on a whim. While we know that wanting to be a father has been a long time arc for Owen and that he has considered adoption before, it seemed way too much that in only a few hours he would make this decision without carefully considering it. But okay, I get it, sometimes we do impulsive things (although at the time, Owen was hitting on this button quite often and it obviously wasn’t working out).

It is my understanding that Owen’s dream has never been solely to have a child, but rather a family. But sometimes, regardless of how much we want something, or we work hard for something, it just doesn’t work the way we want to. So I get why Owen decided to do this. But I rejected this fostering/adopting idea from the start because I never truly wanted Owen to do this on his own, because I know it’s not what’s going to make him fully happy (proof of that is how happy he was when Amelia was there sharing everything with him).

 If there wasn’t an alternative, if I didn't like Amelia as a choice for him, I think I would be okay with the idea, but it’s always been clear to me that Amelia shares the same desire and goals as him. They have done this dance so many times, that I had allowed myself to hope that when they finally made it, they would be together doing it. So to have Owen decide to do this without Amelia just broke my heart. It became especially sour after Teddy’s pregnancy, because it felt like the show is just torturing us. Owen (and Amelia) wanted this so much and for so long, and they are finally getting to have it but in a totally f***ed up manner (fostered kids who aren’t going to be there for long, a child outside their relationship, etc). 

Having Owen foster a child and unknowingly lull Amelia back into the house also disappointed me because I expected the show to eventually dig into why the idea of being a mom is at the same time so appealing and so scary for Amelia. Like, truly do that.  They used Amelia’s tumor as a tool to justify her behavior, but the tumor didn’t erase or change her trauma or her feelings. They are still very much there (in the scene where she tells Owen about her son that becomes quite obvious) so I wished that the path the show had taken to get to this point wasn’t one where Owen adopted a child on his own and Amelia got involved later. They shouldn’t be skipping any steps. And I knew from the start that if the decision wasn’t mutual (either adopt a child together or conceive one) but they got together anyway, later on it could cause problems. When one of them said “Betty is mine and Leo is yours” or something similar, which at the time seemed innocent and cute, the idea behind it hit me hard, because there shouldn’t be a division of roles/responsibilities or sides to be taken. I thought that the same thing that lead the way for a reunion could also potentially be the source of a lot of friction. I wanted them on the same side, and not antagonizing each other. That added to my discontent with this story. 

But there are some other aspects too. If Owen had taken Leo in and Amelia hadn’t gotten involved, I doubt the experience would have felt as good to him as it did with her there. So parting ways with the baby might have been easier? I don't know. Hard to tell. But then again, maybe if it weren’t for Amelia, Betty (and her parents) would never be there either and by now, Owen could have adopted Leo. But I have a feeling that fatherhood wouldn’t have been as pleasing to Owen as it was with Leo without Amelia there. Because once she is there, the dream is complete. The family is formed. So it’s much easier to get attached, making it even harder to let go.

Ok, so along came Betty, and while the idea of a happy bubbly family seemed appealing to some at first, it felt very contrived to me. I understand why Amelia would want to help someone like Betty, but I remember saying this before: since Amelia still isn’t one hundred percent okay with her past, doing this had the potential to hurt her more than she realized. I understand the desire to help someone, especially if someone who is danger and very few people could help, but you can’t help someone at your own expense. There were lots of ways that Amelia could have gotten involved. The show could have had Amelia help Betty all the same without taking her home and acting like a mother to her. In some way, it even felt to me like maybe Amelia was punishing herself for what she did to her mother by putting herself in the exact same situation (hence why I think she is not 100% resolved with her past, she still needs to have some conversations, apologize to some, say her piece, forgive people too).  Do you know when someone you care about is about to do something they shouldn’t, and you know they are, but you can’t stop them? That’s how I felt watching Amelia (and Owen) in this situation. I knew Owen would get attached before eventually losing the baby, and he’d resent everyone for it. I knew Amelia would get too personally involved and project herself into Betty (which doesn’t help Betty or herself). So it’s not something I enjoyed seeing.

When this storyline first started, I had the feeling that it would take perhaps 4-5 episodes. And that by the time Betty and Leo left – and Owen got devastated – he’d learn about Teddy’s baby (which would serve as some kind of comfort) and the drama would be about him choosing to be with the woman he loves (Amelia) or choosing to maybe try and create with Teddy the situation he’d just started building with Amelia.

But for some reason, the show decided to leave Betty and Leo there, and put them in the central spotlight of Owen and Amelia’s relationship. Ever since these two got together, we have never been able to experience a prolonged period of time in which we could watch them functioning as a couple. Especially not when they were living together. I feel like I got robbed of that. The show cheated. I had to endure fast forwards on both times. And now that we are finally watching Owen and Amelia live together through the course of the season, it’s not the same, because by having Leo and Betty there, the dynamics are different. Owen and Amelia have another thing in common other than the feelings they have for each other. I have always wished for them to have kids, but you gotta have roots before branches you know? They needed more time to solidify themselves as a couple after the whole tumor/divorce mess, to acknowledge between themselves that the feelings and the entire foundation of their relationship/marriage was real and be convinced that they have what it takes to face the world, to actually see things coming their way and deal with them so that they knew their relationship can survive altercations (which honestly is something they hadn’t dealt with before, everything that seemed to torn them apart in the past). 

But Betty and Leo were there, fine, nothing I could do about it. And for 8 episodes, we got to see some cute Omelia moments, but also too many moments devoted to Betty and Leo that could have been used to make Owen and Amelia rediscover that what brought them together in the first place wasn’t the result of impulsive decisions, but rather the amazing depth of what they share.

And as things progressed and we got here, I watched on my screen a lot of absolutely unrealistic developments in one storyline alone. We’ve had a LOT of retcons and absurd things happening on the show ever since KV arrived (the explanation for Megan’s storyline, Jo’s abusive husband storyline, that intern getting a Swiss visa in one day, etc), and I know that TV shows don’t have to mirror life 100%, but to me, no storyline can beat Betty/Leo’s when it comes to disregarding real life completely. And that is another aspect of it that has nothing to do with Omelia, but really makes me reject the plot. I can take one or two things being inaccurate (as a doctor who watches the show, I constantly have to overlook inaccuracies, and that’s fine). But when they are excessive like this and change reality so much, it kind of makes me feel like the showrunners think I am an idiot. It becomes a fantasy series, not a drama series.

I honestly couldn’t list all the absurd and inconsistencies in this single storyline, but it’s hard to accept that Owen would so easily qualify as a foster parent, and that he’d get Leo in such a short notice. I have the feeling that when the writers had Betty tell her story last year, they genuinely meant for it to be as she told it. Which makes this whole “it turns out she was lying all the time” one of the worst retcons in the show. It put Betty in a situation where she went from lost teenager who instilled sympathy to psychopathic teenager who lied and felt no remorse even when she was sober and had more than enough time to consider the repercussions of her actions and witness the damage she could do to the people she was growing close to. I think if the show had left some hints, some traces for us to think that, hey, “perhaps Betty is lying” it would be easier to accept this twist in the story. But by rewriting everything she said, they just made her a lot harder to empathize to, and this whole storyline much harder to buy than it already was.

Because, really, am I supposed to believe that a 13 year old who got reported missing by her parents (they said they were looking for her) would give birth to a baby, provide for a baby in the streets, have the baby taken from her by a social worker, have the child put in the system, get “fostered” by an adult (who btw, wasn’t listed to be a foster parent to begin with), actually GET ENROLLED and attend a school, and not once in this whole process anyone would ever bother to check a list/description of missing children to find her parents/family? They would just take her word for it?  Am I supposed to believe that throughout this entire process, not once someone asked Betty to identify herself, and when she couldn’t (since she is using a fake name), the social workers wouldn’t bother checking for a matching description or picture of missing kids to at least contact her biological family? Betty wasn’t only a daughter, she was also a part of a community. She attended a school, played soccer. It’s hard to believe she would have just disappeared under everyone’s noses like that. It had been my understanding so far that Betty/Leo are only in the system because the authorities judged her family unfit to take care of her (and that they’d done it themselves after checking the facts) but after the bomb of Betty’s lie, I just came to the conclusion that this whole storyline is a series of rewritten, changed, modified absurds. 

[survivor-halsingland]

Ep. 1: "There's 100% going to be a Canada alliance." - Amy

Amy

Initial reaction of cast reveal: I’m toast But for real this can go a couple of ways for me, none of which have me seeing myself make merge lol. I’m either going to be a very early boot here or be nice and active enough to solidify a place for a while. Lots of familiar and unfamiliar faces. Hopefully the people familiar with me won’t want to immediately vote me out. I have already mentioned to Derrick that I played with DeNara before, so hopefully we can bond over that and it not be used against me. I have explicitly asked Jared to not exclusively lie to me this go haha but we both said we were more playing for the other half of our duos and just agreed to do it. I was excited to see Blue on my tribe and I also know Leanne, and have already had a good chat with Klied - but his name does have “lie” in it 👀. Honestly I want to do a quick portion of divide and conquer, I planned on chilling in a pool tomorrow and going to drag bingo with Ava. But no one has solidly chosen anything so they are really about to force me to be tribe leader and sort this out. Things I look forward to: vibes, chatting with cool people, meeting people, twists, and drama Things I will not be doing: sitting on hours and hours of video calls. Not my style. But I know several people in this game love it. Let the good times roll y’all

Kenneth

HERE WE GO AGAIN! i'm fresh off of ingary, but jay has magic powers and pulled me in to another season of a potential clown fiesta <3 but seriously, this already seems a lot more enticing and spicy because of the theme in itself and how the challenges and idol hunt are structured so i am very excited to play :) i learned a lot about my last game and i will improve on it (hopefully) by taking more risks and plays that WILL be appreciated by the jury, and not be overly attached to people, which would result to tunnel vision. the first challenges are already pretty great, and i cannot wait to play this game. TO WIN! hehe >:)destiny i’m super confused about a lot of stuff tbh but everyone on my tribe is so nice and welcoming and i’m sure i’ll get the hang of it all soon :) i’m excited to be playing and just hoping i don’t screw things up for my tribe :/

AmyThis tribe is exhausting. Challenges where I need to send a photo back quickly really hate me. My phone took like a minute to actually send the photo, but Waldo went well. Except I started in the bottom right looking with vertical transects and Waldo was hiding in the bottom left 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Woulda been 30 seconds had I started over there. But I’m already expecting tribal so I’m just hoping I wasn’t the worst portion of our challenges haha!

Leanne

Not very much to share so far. Some people on this tribe are much bigger talkers than others, Jared, Derrick, Klied, and Amy. It’s been harder to get Convo from Jesse and Blue, and I’ve barely heard from Josh or Aubree. I wonder if other people have had the same experience. Haven’t dared try game talk with anyone yet. Hoping I’m not behind, but it’s only day 2 right? Maybe I’ll try to put some feelers out with Amy. Maybe I’ll tell her about some things in the idol hunt and see if she’ll give me anything in return, maybe try to get a partnership going. I’m glad she’s on my tribe, but also a little bit scared because I’ve seen exactly how good she is. Aside from that, the person I feel best about right now is Derrick. We’ve had some good chats and seem to connect well. Hope he feels the same way. And Moth. I’m especially nervous about them. When we played before we didn’t exactly hit it off, but I think we’re both… trying. I hope we can have a new start this time, a new story. And from what I know of them they are a very loyal allies so, here’s hoping. Also happy to see Sarah here, and my yinzer JG. Maybe he and my dad can bond over that? And that’s all I’ve got so far. God I hope I did enough in the challenge today. *whines* I don’t wanna go to tribal first!

Jared

Don't mind me making a confessional before the game even starts, call me a game changer. https://youtu.be/JFOxzamkcH8

Jared

Not one, but two, confessionals before the game even begins. Sorry not sorry! https://youtu.be/SETx-0LoI9E

Shawn

Well, things are going good so far! I think anyway. Although I like everyone on my team, I do have to say it's odd playing with someone whose older than my father is, Frank. Usually I like to take charge in games like this, I like to be the leader. Yet, with Frank, it's difficult because he's so much older, I feel like I'm a little kid around him. I don't wanna tell him what to do, because I don't wanna be disrespectful? I'm so excited so far though, absolutely loving the challenge and how we get to pick! Im not that bright so I'm happy I can do creative stuff.

Aubree

This is my first BvW confession! Idk about the other tribe, but the Mysa Tribe is super chill. Most of the conversations yesterday consisted of everyone saying hi and that they were busy and would be active later. Day 2 and the activity level is still the same, which is kind of a relief since I am much more of an introvert. I have been trying to be the first to reach out to people since I feel that is something I have struggled with in past ORGs I’ve played in. I’m usually the reserved/silently-strategic player, but I’m going to try and be more proactive for this game. Ive talked to Klied, Jared, Amy and Leanne a decent amount and have enjoyed our conversations. I know of Amy due to the games she has played with Sarah, so I am hoping that works in my favor. Amy did say that Sarah voted her out in the first game they played in, so that could work one of two ways for my game… like if it came down to a vote between me or Sarah later on?? but maybe it is too soon to think that far ahead? Lol Even though I’m an Art Teacher I chose to steer away from the Creative part to our first challenge. Tbh I’m so burnt out irl when it comes to being creative due to my job, so I’m okay with taking a step back from the creative challenges for now. I’ve enjoyed being a part of the Scavenger Hunt, even though it was a bit harder than expected. I was so stoked to have a Starry Night print, but since it wasn’t real it didn’t count… Like who the heck has a REAL VAN GOGH?? (Or quick access to one) LOL As much as I would LOVEEE to have an original painting, that teacher salary-bracket doesn’t allow for that!! Lol I haven’t had anyone directly ask to me to be in an alliance with them… so that is - interesting? I’m used to the last two games I played where it felt like everything was very paced. Now, It’s either A) everyone is just chillin’ and not wanting to rush things or B) bonds HAVE already started to form but I’m not a part of them? I guess things will spend up more after the first challenge is over and we see where our strengths and weaknesses are in the tribe. Until then! - Aubree

Moth

Hi!! I’m back again and playing with someone I know. I actually happen to be on call with Destiny as I type this but like- were vibing And also once again I’m starting off on the wrong foot, not at home when the game starts.

Moth

I don’t trust Jared Straight up And I feel like that’s fair- Twice I’ve been voted out for my connections to Kyoshi island and it’s really fucking frustrating- Jared apologized and sounded sincere but idk I trust people too easily.. Brayden, Denara, and Leanne are also all in this game All people I’ve played with Leanne I don’t trust right off the bat. I tried that before but like- that didn’t work for me. I just want to at least make it to the merge

Frank

Having fun, learning as I get going. Truly impressed by the comraderi among people whom I've never met. Old dogs, new tricks, this is cool.

Klied

The game is going pretty well so far! Everyone has been really nice and supportive of one another. I hope this tribe dynamic continues for the next rounds of the game! :>

Moth

I fucked it up I genuinely feel really bad because everyone’s so confident in me- And I’m totally going to be a target now

Moth

Ohhhhh thank god Thank god because I was absolutely going to be on the chopping block if we lost I don’t want to be first out That being said

I don’t want Destiny to be first out either

Shawn

I'm not very happy tonight with how things went. I truly believe the other team deserved the win, the video was creative and a lot of effort was put into it! I think it was a great thing. But I disappointed that we lost so many of the challenges. I'm also getting annoyed that people are being present on the chat. I feel like it's me and another tribe member that is putting in all the work. Not impressed, but whatever. I just really hope I don't get voted off tomorrow.

Kenneth

welp i bombed the where's waldo challenge and my team lost by a hair in the riddles challenge because of an advantage so rip. i really hope i don't get voted off first because i severely underperformed in the challenge akjdnsajkndkjsnd i'd be really disappointed in myself :/

Amy

Shocked. Absolutely shocked we aren't headed to tribal lol. And here I thought my 4 minutes on Waldo was too slow but it was enough. Honestly we are lucky Blue's quit disadvantage was only what it was bc they quit after 30 minutes apparently. All these advantages at play! And I'm sitting here with a disadvantage. I think I'm clearly doing the idol hunt wrong 😆 all I have is a disadvantage from poison feast food and a chipmunk named Wadsworth in my pocket. Based on how little anyone is speaking I was certain we'd be going to tribal hands down no question. So I am very, very happy we avoided it in the end. I think it would have been between Jessie and Josh though bc they aren't active. I would have voted Jessie bc Josh did the video even after saying he didn't actually want to do the creative part so that's major props to him in my book! I am very curious as to who the other tribe is going to vote off in the end. I hope it's no one I want to make it far. Oh basically I know I'm probably not making merge so I'm trying to align things to get certain people farther and get other people out. I'm rooting for a newbie to take it. Anyway woo day off and I won't be first boot. Fingers crossed it's not Ava. I wouldn't be surprised if she was targeted for her association with me. Love this game! Love this cast! Love the idol hunt! The reward challenge was the most fun bc Ava and I were incredibly intoxicated after Drag Bingo and we did better each time! The last one we went "office" and "turnip" and literally bust out laughing and both said "Nate". I would like to personally apologize to Ellie for having to witness that nonsense. Thank you to everyone! Oh one last thing. I did not want to work with jared at all but it looks like I am going to be forced to do so. I think I have to put trust in Jared and in Leanne who has voted me out of two games prior 😆 but that's me always just bonding most with the people who are active and want to talk to me.

Amy

There's 100% going to be a Canada alliance.

Aubree

Who won the first challenge?? MYSA DID! Woot woot! Even though Jared, Jessie and I didn’t win the Scavenger Hunt portion after the advantages were added in - we did win as far as how many total objects were found, so I’m pretty proud about that! To top it off Sarah and I won the Reward Challenge!!!! We both get 3 stat points to add to our Idol Hunt… which I have yet to do… I should probably do that tomorrow O_o

Avat

hings are going well i think!!! i've had a lot of fun and i sorta vibe with everyone so far on the tribe. i'm really hyped and fingers crossed we do well. i've been sorta inactive with my challenge bc of work but i'm doing what i can for now. more to come soon

DeNara

Well this is my first confessional of the game and oh my is this going to be an interesting game. Initial impressions of my tribe...... Sarah +Jodi- frenemies because they are so good at survivor Frank- I really like him. He seems like a cool dude Kenneth- Seems cool, I may want to work with him, but he seems to be playing harder than he should so early Brayden- Didn't get the best first impression, but that could change Shawn- Super quiet, then they started chatting so that helped Ava, J.G., Destiny- Really inactive so I don't really know- potential first vote I want to work with Sarah, Frank and maybe Kenneth. Jodi would be good to work with although who knows what she is thinking. Everyone else I will stay open to working with, but really don't care too much as of yet.

DeNara

The first challenge was weird because everyone just took their roles and stopped talking. I HATE QUIET. Period. The creative challenge on my tribe wasn't super creative imo, but they tried. I didn't help in the scavenger hunt as much as I wanted too so that sucks, but at least we won that part so that looks good. I am so excited for this idol hunt! It is amazing! Props to the hosts! WE LOST, DAMMIT. At least Derrick won't be the first boot. I hope I am not either or HE WILL NOT STOP BUGGING ME ABOUT IT AND I WILL DIE.

DeNara

Well it is chaos now. Shawn has made an alliance with Sarah, Kenneth, and myself. I like the safety of that. Jodi, Sarah and myself also made a Subrosa alliance (we all knew that would happen) and I feel like this will keep me safe for a while at least. Both Sarah and Jodi want to work with Brayden and potentially Kenneth so we may make an alliance of 5 with them- but that also means Sarah and I would have to talk to Kenneth about not telling Jodi about the other alliance and that could be very risky early on.... hmmm idk about that. Also, Frank is my dude. I hope he stays. I think I am going to lean towards J.G. or Destiny.

Sarah

https://youtu.be/RzlLHyHZguQ

Kenneth

I am now in 2 alliances: one with denara, sarah, and shawn, and another one with ava and brayden! i feel good about both alliances, with the first one feeling solid and loyal (for now), and the second one for the long term! i feel very solid about sarah and denara, i feel like i can last long with them as my good allies. jodi's a tricky one, because i know she's a damn good player, but it's better to keep her on my side for now until an opportune time to make a move (and i actually really like talking to her!).

Jared

me: i'm gonna try to make this concise also me: 8 minutes on the very first episode where i'm not even going to tribal oh boy

Brayden

https://youtu.be/reALs2hizjk hey everyone I'm here

DeNara

So now I am in a bunch of alliances. I guided Kenneth to make an alliance chat with Sarah and me to tell us to keep our alliances with 1. Shawn and 2. Brayden and Jodi a secret. Insert evil laugh here lol. So all together right now I should have Sarah, Jodi, Kenneth, Brayden, Shawn and Frank backing me, so I shouldn't be first boot. It sounds like we are going for Destiny because they aren't very active, which was the name Kenneth threw out first so he is getting what he wants without upsetting me.

Ava

so so so bummed about going to tribal i thought we had it in the bag especially with our advantages but alas... i formed an alliance with brayden and kenneth which i'm super obsessed with i really like both of them - hopefully this means safety for tomorrow. i hate working two jobs and the week after next ill be working just one which is just so fucking sweet fingers crossed i can make it that long in this game. anyway that's all for now

Jodi

I'm so happy to be back. This time, I promise to play a chill Jodi game as I said in my intro, and I want to relax and enjoy this twist of a season. Jared and I are thrilled to play our second season together in the actual format of BvW, and we will be playing our own games. So far, I'm glad to have Denara, Sarah, Brayden on my tribe, as we all know each other but never played before (except Brayden). I want to keep an open mind and play fluidly. Kenneth told Brayden within 10 mins of the game starting that he was scared of me, but I hope I can gain the trust of people and not play as flashy as people remember me for. Looking forward to the connections I make!

Jodi

I promised y'all a chill Jodi game and here i am, delivering it. I think. DeNara and Sarah immediately made the "The Best of SubRosa" chat because obviously that was bound to happen, but additionally, the 3 of us are in an alliance with Brayden and Kenneth called "the clock" (because of our time zones ahahahaha). This game's dynamic is so different because even though we hate going to tribal, it also means that our loved ones are safe from tribal, which sometimes, could be better. I hope Jared is doing good on the other side. Obviously I trust Sarah and DeNara but I also know Sarah will cut my throat when it needs to happen, even if she gonna be crying while doing it, so I'll just...not be blinded by that. I trust Brayden 100%, Kenneth calling me scary is not great but I guess he rather be with me than against me, for now. Y'all Ingary kids what did you say about me??? LMAOO ♥️ I did ask him why he didn't cause ruckus at 5 and whip out the superidol and he said "tunnel vision". Hey that's two of us I guess!

Sarah

https://youtu.be/RzlLHyHZguQJessie So I’m still working on making like connections and stuff but we won the first challenge so no tribal which is a very good thing . ❤️ I’m enjoying this interactive scavenger hunt and I’m totally not trying to pull a Danni from Midsommar lol.

Brayden

hey guys im in a 5 person alliance rn with jodi sarah denara and kenneth and i feel pretty good and excited bc i think ill win this whole game but sadly destiny is prob leaving tonight <\3

Derrick

First challenge done. We rocked it! I don't really have any sort of alliance at this point but I seem to be getting along with everyone. Josh didn't seem to put too much effort into our creative set up but it still worked out OK. It was unfortunate I was on my trip at the time as I could have done so much more with. I think as long as we support eachother we can rock every challenge that comes our way!joshIM SOO HAPPY WE WON! our tribe seems to be like friendly but i havent made any alliances i think so idk if im in a good spot if we lose a challenge but we didnt this time so🙃ShawnEveryone in the tribe is messaging about Destiny, and that is who everyone is thinking of voting off. I'm still thinking of voting Frank off, and I think that's who I'm going for. He's not good at technology, and this whole game is about technology! We lost the creative challenge because all we could do with him was write! Still, everyone thinks because Destiny isn't very active she should be the one to go. I'm not sure what I want to do. JGOh hey! Here we are round one. I feel so out of it playing this game. For the first time in a while, I barely know any of the other players. Which is refreshing and tough. I also feel like my social game is kind of lacking but that is kind of my brand for round 1. I have had some great one on one conversations with DeNara, Jodi, and Sarah. I've talked to Brayden and Kenneth as well a little bit less than the first three. Shawn and Ava, barely. Frank and Destiny not at all. The vote should be Destiny since we sadly lost. Which works for me. I feel the closest with DeNara and Sarah. Really hoping I can start to get my footing. If we were to lose again, Frank would probably go but I don't wanna put myself in the line of fire again. Well here's hoping things improve. Hopefully, I'm not blindsided. Here we go.blueMy tribe seems pretty cool so far, everyone is nice and seems pretty active so thats nice. Shawns going to tribal so I hope theyre gonna be safe :(((DeNara As far as I know, the vote is going to be Destiny. I feel bad for them for not getting the chance to play, and I feel really bad for Moth, they always have the worst luck in ORGs. That being said I sure hope nothing crazy happens tonight or I will cry 100% Tribal, here I come...AubreeThere is hardly any game talk (at least from where I’m standing), so I may start trying to get a feel of where people are at by asking some game-related questions in the tribe chat. Don’t get me wrong, I love the personal chit-chats… BUT I’m also feeling a bit empty-handed as far as knowing everyone’s game motives. Maybe I’m being too bold… idk. I’m not normally the one to standout in ORGs, so hopefully my tribe doesn’t take this as me prying… even though I guess I kinda am?? 😬 “Oof look at me being all dangerous and shit!” 😤🤘🏼😂blueSO here are more detailed thoughts on my tribe. Amy of course is a queen and a legend and we've played together before and have a good rapport. Leanne is so kind and so funny, and I would be super down for working with her. Jared is SO nice I get really good vibes and really enjoy talking to him. Aubree is also very nice and seems genuinely interested in my irrelevant stories 10/10 good vibes. Moth is dope as expected and turns out we have a lot of the same interests ie. witcher and the mcelroys very fun. The rest are yet to be determined.AmyI would like to start out by saying that Brayden's video during their tribal almost made me seasick thanks buddy. So today was a DAY. It was a day off and like I had a weird day at work lol 😆 and then I remembered there was the task of talking to people who h i slacked on today whoops sorry. But for half these people idk if they even noticed bc my tribe is so quiet. Did I already say I tried asking Jessie what their favorite berry was? Like that's how exhausting conversation has been most all around. I think I'm talking to Leanne, Derrick, and Jared the most. I am begging for bygones to be bygones. But anyway I was trying to do a little of the hunt throughout the day bc after seeing

all those advantages last go I was SHOCKED. Then at the end of work I made it to thevpart where I was talking to the grumpy sad flower crown man and after falling on my weak ass on a ladder I picked the lock with a bobbypin and charisma's him to make me a flower crown which got me to the maypole which had me do a scavenger hunt and I got an idol. Writing this all out is absolutely hilarious. But yeah I have an idolllllllllllllllllllll which I don't want to use anytime soon. But I have a feeling I'm going to struggle to make merge. Anyway I got this idol like directly after the other tribe finishing tribal and I love a funny timing like that. I'm glad Ava survived weee! And wow they have some very vocal tribe members haha I'm sure Denara and Jodi are working together which tracks bc I've been closest to both of them individually in prior games early on. Curious if it will stick. So next was rock paper scissors for which I have a 10% disadvantage which apparently applies to the overall tribe score ☠️ . I won my game against Brayden who was at seemingly a raging Big Brother watch party. Sorry buddy. But we've been chatting like he asked how josh was and I said Josh is great and really stepped up to the plate for the creative challenge even though it wasn't what he wanted and also he loves tom holland so I instantly trust him. Then he said everyone likes ava bc she's just so cool and yes I get it I am personally intimidated by how cool Ava is and I have to be around that cool level every day honestly I don't know why she talks to me but she's a badass. Anyyywayyyy he doesn't seem keen on actually talking game and I need to figure out if I need to just tell my tribe I have a disadvantage rn or be like what the fuck the other tribe is so mean to give me a disadvantage 😭 Anyway excited to explore the hunt some more and this game is so fun. If we go to tribal I think Jessie is most at risk tbh. Okay that's all bye ❤️

[artificialqueens]

More Than I'm Supposed To (Witney) - Miss Bianca

Summary:

There was just something about Willam that just begged you to watch her. It was hard to look anywhere else, really, particularly when she smiled. And Courtney did pride herself on being able to make Willam smile more than usual.

A/N: 

I’m so sorry. I’m supposed to be writing my multichap. But Witney would not leave me alone, and so here we are. It’s not really an AU, I mean, this could’ve happened. Please tell me what you think! - Miss Bianca

The plan to go for lunch with Willam today was long-standing. In fact, it was a tradition of sorts, something they tried to do every other week, at least. Courtney counted her blessings every time that neither of them had to cancel, and did her best to make it every time.

She’d even passed up doing gigs before in favor of keeping up the tradition - when given the choice between Willam and another paycheck, Courtney knew she’d choose to spend time with the other queen every time.

In all honesty, there was very little Courtney wouldn’t give up for Willam, money and reputation be damned. But she didn’t like to think too deeply about that.

However, while the plans for the lunch meeting were already set, the  decision to meet up with Willam in drag instead of out was a last minute one.

Courtney wasn’t thrilled about having to go through the process of doing her makeup in the morning, but she did think it would be fun to see if she’d be clocked at the cafe when they went for lunch.

“Probably won’t be,” she said out loud to no one in particular, setting her lashes in place.

Her WeHo apartment wasn’t very lived in - in fact, it felt more like a hotel room sometimes - and Courtney strongly disliked being alone. This resulted in a lot of talking or singing to herself, like a crazy person, often without even thinking about it. It was usually random parts of her trains of thought, phrases that wouldn’t make sense on their own.

She hoped none of her neighbors had ever heard.

“Hopefully they’d just assume I’m talking to my cat, or something,” she murmured. “Wait, is that worse than talking to myself in the mirror? That might be worse. At least it’s less narcissistic.”

Courtney made eye contact with herself, and shrugged, going into her bedroom to pick clothes.

Willam would already be in drag from filming the Beatdown, and Courtney loved the idea of going out to lunch with a female friend. Both of them being in drag was both a pro and a con in this sort of situation, though, depending on which of them people noticed first in public.

The way Courtney saw it, either they’d see Willam first and instantly clock her, then realize Courtney was in drag as well, or they’d see Courtney first and assume Willam was a real woman without bothering to check.

“I’ll wear the red dress, then,” Courtney decided out loud, grabbing the sundress from the back of her closet and pulling it on carefully. “Make them look at me instead.”

Courtney doubted the strategy would actually work, though - there was just something about Willam that just begged you to watch her. It was hard to look anywhere else, really, particularly when she smiled.

And Courtney did pride herself on being able to make Willam smile more than usual.

Buzzing a little with nerves that she couldn’t quite explain, Courtney looked over her makeup again in her mirror. Her wig was simple and blonde, on the shorter side, and she knew that Willam would probably end up teasing her for not being a real drag queen at some point in the course of the afternoon.

She also knew that Willam would be tempted to brush back the few curls that hung around her face in this particular wig, and that was well worth the teasing. She tugged on one of the coils of hair, watching it bounce back into place.

If Willam wasn’t in the mood to be touchy and push the hair behind Courtney’s ear, she’d just end up wheezing and laughing at the strands getting in Courtney’s way as she tried to eat. And if Courtney was honest, that was even better.

“Alright,” Courtney said out loud, checking over her makeup again in the mirror near her front door before slipping on her brand new pair of heels. “Enough being a peacock, Courtney, time to go.”

Calling an Uber, Courtney stepped out the door, stumbling slightly on the stilettos as she hurried to the elevator. It only took her about thirty seconds to realize, with a sinking feeling, that she’d severely underestimated how uncomfortable the heels actually were.

Briefly, she considered popping back into her apartment to change them, but the Uber was a minute away and she didn’t want to make the driver wait.

“This’ll give me an excuse to lean on Willam, anyway,” Courtney muttered as the elevator descended. “She’ll probably call me an idiot, though. And she’ll be right. God, stop talking to yourself, Court.”

It was only another minute or so before she was in the back of an Uber, being driven to Willam’s studio by an abnormally talkative driver named Michael.

Traffic was a bitch, as usual, and by the time they finally pulled up outside, Courtney was twenty minutes late, and feeling terrible about it. She thanked Michael hastily, and wobbled over to the door of the building in the increasingly uncomfortable heels.

It only took her a few seconds of tapping on the buzzer for Willam’s studio before the lock opened, and she was hurrying inside and down the hall.

“I’m so sorry I’m late, Bill,” Courtney said as she stepped into the studio. “I - where is everyone?”

From what Courtney could see, the studio was empty except for a camera guy she didn’t recognize. He looked to be on his way out, finishing packing up his things.

“Court? ‘S that you?”

“Willam?” Courtney frowned, walking further inside and peering around. Willam’s voice sounded different than it should this early in the day, more slurred and higher, and Courtney wondered if someone had given her alcohol. At this hour? What, is she turning into Sharon?

“She’s on the floor,” said the camera guy, sounding bored and nodding towards the backdrop. Courtney stepped around a box, and her eyebrows shot up as she caught sight of the other queen.

Willam was indeed on the floor, lying flat on her back with her multicolored hair haloed messily around her face. Her knees were bent, skirt riding up her thighs, feet balancing precariously on the narrow heels of her louboutins.

She looked totally out of it.

Also, totally adorable, but Courtney pushed that thought away before it could even take root. She had to make sure Willam was at least partially coherent.

“What in the…” Walking over to where Willam lay, Courtney glanced worriedly over her shoulder at the camera guy. He shrugged. “Will, are you okay?”

“Courtney!” Willam exclaimed as Courtney came into her view. She grinned slowly. “You’re late, you dumb bitch.”

Courtney couldn’t help but smile back despite her alarm, crouching down next to Willam.

“I know, I’m sorry,” she apologized. “L.A. traffic.”

“‘S okay,” Willam said, nodding. “I can’t be mad at you. You’re too…pretty.”

She reached up in an attempt to touch Courtney’s face, but missed, hitting her nose instead. Giggling at her mistake, she let her hand fall back to her chest.

“Will, what are you on?” Courtney asked, now even more concerned.

“The good stuff,” Willam joked, smiling lazily. “Can you…”

She waved her hand in the air, making grabby motions until Courtney took it in her own and squeezed comfortingly. Willam sighed contently, blinking slowly as her fingers curled around Courtney’s palm.

Courtney swallowed thickly, distracted both by the gesture and by the undisguised, pure affection in Willam’s eyes as she looked up at her.

Willam wanted Courtney to hold her hand, had asked her to, for no other reason than the contact. And she was holding on, as if Courtney might slip away. It made Courtney’s chest tighten, like she couldn’t quite get in all of the air that she needed.

Then, she remembered how uncharacteristic Willam’s behavior was, and her stomach twisted anxiously.

“They’re pain meds,” the camera guy spoke up again, and Courtney tore her gaze away from Willam’s to look over her shoulder at him. “Her back started hurting, and she couldn’t stay standing, but she wanted to finish filming.”

“How much did she take, exactly?” Courtney tilted her head, frowning. She hadn’t realized Willam’s back was bothering her again, particularly not to that extent. But then again, Willam didn’t like to talk about anything that made her seem vulnerable.

“Dunno,” the guy shrugged. “A bunch, though.”

“Do you happen to know what kind, then?” Courtney asked, a little more bite to her tone.

“They were prescription,” he replied. “I didn’t, like, check the bottle.”

“Did it not occur to you that this might happen?”

“I’m not her chaperone,” the guy said with a frown. “I just got paid to film her for like an hour.”

“So it didn’t occur to you to maybe stop the person paying you from taking a handful of prescription pain pills?” Courtney asked sharply, now thoroughly annoyed and getting increasingly worried. “You just thought, oh, that’s fine, totally normal, not at all risky?”

She was spinning out now, and she knew it. Every time in the past four years that she’d worried about Willam and drugs, which was a lot, seemed to be coming back to her all at once.

“I -”

“Were you just gonna go, and leave her here, lying on the ground, high out of her mind?” Courtney cut him off before he could get a word in, the thought occurring to her suddenly.  

Courtney was aware of how overly fretful her brain was, but she couldn’t seem to help going there anyway, imagining all the horrible endings to Willam being left alone like this, already happily dazed with a bottle of narcotics within arm’s reach. Willam lacked strong self-preservation instincts, and had virtually no self-control, and Courtney felt sick at the totally conceivable thought of losing her to something as preventable as an overdose.

“Court,” Willam said softly.

“She could’ve passed out, or, or even died, if you’d left her like this!” Courtney continued, ignoring her, her stomach twisting uncomfortably. “We don’t even know what the side effects of this could be!”

“Courtney,” Willam tried again, tugging on her hand this time. “It’s okay, I’ve done it before.”

“What do you mean, you’ve done it before?” Courtney said sharply, turning back around to look at her. Willam looked slightly hurt. “What do you mean?” She asked again, more gently this time.

“I didn’t take too many,” Willam said, words slightly slurred, her eyebrows furrowing as she struggled to focus on Courtney’s face. “I’ve done this before, tons, I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine,” Courtney disagreed, fighting to keep her voice gentle. “This is really dangerous.”

“My back hurt,” Willam said with a shrug, as if it was simple as that. She looked up at the ceiling, her gaze empty, giving up on trying to focus her eyes for the time being. “And I had to film.”

“Willam…” Courtney swallowed. The implication that Willam was regularly taking prescription pain meds carelessly like this, probably with no one else around, made her slightly nauseous with worry. She knew better than most that there wasn’t always someone there to make sure Willam didn’t go too far.

“Can you sit up?” She asked, deciding not to push anymore at the moment.

Willam nodded, and pushed herself up on her free hand. Courtney pulled her up the rest of the way, until she could lean against the backdrop.

“Ooh!” Willam exclaimed with a laugh as her bare shoulders hit the wall. Courtney looked at her questioningly. “‘S cold,” Willam said by way of reply. “I like it.”

Courtney smiled helplessly, because it was cute, and she couldn’t not be endeared. Squeezing Willam’s hand one more time before letting go, she stood up with a wince, abruptly reminded of the increasingly uncomfortable heels which seem to have it out for her.

“Alright,” Courtney said, walking over to talk to the camera guy, who was watching them rather nervously. “Listen, I know you’re not solely responsible for this,” she began, trying to be civil. “You don’t even know her. But did anyone else seem worried, watching her get more and more loopy?”

“Her producer was a little worried,” he replied.

“Anthony?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “But her husband seemed chill, so we all figured it was okay.”

“Wait, Bruce was here?” Courtney raised her eyebrows, surprised.

“He brought Warner!” Willam exclaimed behind her, and Courtney glanced over at her to catch the wide grin that Warner often brought to her friend’s face. Sure enough, Willam was smiling, her eyes narrowed affectionately.

“He said that she’d be fine,” the camera guy said, shrugging. “Said she could take care of herself, or something.”

No, she can’t take care of herself! Look at her! Courtney wanted to yell at him. She forced herself to take a deep breath.

“Well, I’m not sure about that,” Courtney said instead, calmly. “But I’m here now, so if you’ve got somewhere else to be, then, by all means.”

The camera guy nodded, picking up his things and heading out the door without another word.

Courtney sighed, and looked over at Willam, who was now humming absentmindedly, her head knocking gently into the wall behind her as she stared at nothing in particular.

She didn’t pretend to understand exactly how Willam’s relationship with her husband worked, but she sometimes doubted that he was really still in touch with who Willam was now. He spent a lot of time working - they both did - which meant that Willam was by herself a lot, handling a ton of pressure as well as her back issues alone. And on top of that, she hated asking for help.

Courtney couldn’t help wondering if she was compensating for the lack of support and companionship by over medicating to the point of losing lucidity. Luckily, she didn’t seem to be quite at that point yet.

“So Bruce didn’t seem worried about you doing this?” Courtney asked her.

“No, he was a little,” Willam said, nodding. “He offered to take me home with Warner before…before he went to work.”

“You said no?”

“I told him he could go, because you were coming to get me for…lunch,” Willam continued slowly. She paused for a long moment, and looked down at her feet, which were out in front of her, her toes tapping together rhythmically. “Can we go? I think I’m hungry.”

“No,” Courtney replied immediately. “We need to get you home. Or to a hospital…”

“No!” Willam said insistently. “I’m fine, Court, I told you. It’ll…it’ll wear off.”

“Home, then,” Courtney decided, walking over to Willam and holding out her hands to help her up. “We can go see Warner.”

“I don’t wanna see Warner,” Willam disagreed, shaking her head.

She stared at Courtney’s outstretched hands for a moment, seeming confused, before taking them and struggling to stand up.

“You don’t?”

“No, I wanna see you, dumbass,” Willam explained. She was now unsteadily on her feet, but still holding onto Courtney’s hands tightly, looking down at the floor as if it might start moving at any second.

“I can come home with you?” Courtney suggested, and Willam frowned.

“Can we go to your apartment instead?” Willam asked.

“Okay,” Courtney said. “I’ll call an Uber.”

“But, I have a car,” Willam protested.

“Yes, you do,” Courtney agreed. “You also have a bloodstream full of narcotics. You can come get it tomorrow.”

Willam sighed, and Courtney freed one of her hands to call the Uber.

A few moments later, Courtney was making her way down the hallway again, this time even less comfortable in her shoes than before, with Willam struggling to walk in a straight line beside her.

So much for having an excuse to lean on her.

“I like my studio,” Willam announced.

“That’s good,” Courtney said indulgently. “Why’d you pick this one?”

“It’s on the, uh, the ground floor,” Willam said, stumbling over her words a little. “So I can wear my heels on the way over, ‘n everyone knows I’m better than them.”

Courtney giggled. Willam was definitely still herself, even like this.

The Uber ride was shorter this time, even though Courtney started wishing for traffic the moment Willam pressed up against her side and started playing with her hand.

“I like your rings,” Willam commented at one point.

“Thanks, Bill.”

“Can I have ‘em?”

Courtney laughed, only to find Willam staring at her, completely serious.

“No, they’re mine,” she said.

“Fuck you,” Willam said good-naturedly, going back to inspecting Courtney’s palm. It didn’t take her long to speak up again.

“I think that’s your life line,” Willam mumbled, her thumb rubbing clumsily over one of the creases. Courtney’s palm tingled under her touch.

“Oh, yeah?”

“…Yeah,” Willam said. “Wait, no, that’s…” she trailed off, squinting. “‘S too short. You’d have to be dead by now. Court, are you dead?”

“Lemme see yours,” Courtney said, taking Willam’s hand instead and turning it over. She peered down at the same line that Willam had inspected on her palm. “Bill, it’s like, the same length.”

“Oh.” Willam blinked. “Court, are we both dead?”

“No, I don’t think Hell would be this comfortable,” Courtney said, her lips twitching as she tried not to smile.

“That’s good, I guess,” Willam said, nodding.

She started to play with Courtney’s rings again, turning them and sliding them around on her fingers.

“You wouldn’t be in Hell anyway,” she said after a moment, thoughtfully. “You’re too…good for that.”

“Then maybe you wouldn’t, either,” Courtney suggested. “You’re a good person, too, you know.”

“Maybe.”

“No, definitely,” Courtney said. “There’s a really good, sweet person underneath all that irony. I know, because I’m friends with him.”

“Yeah, just you,” Willam said. “You ‘n Lasky. And you’re both too good for me, anyways.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“Nah, you’ll see,” Willam insisted. “You’ll stop caring, sometime, and then…you’ll go away. But it’s okay. I can take care of myself.”

There it was again, that same phrase - Willam can take care of herself. And just like before, Courtney instinctively wanted to say that she couldn’t. But she held her tongue, thinking for a moment instead.

Even though Willam was speaking simply, she was far more vulnerable than normal right now, and what seemed like her deep-seated beliefs about herself were coming to the surface. And as much as Courtney wanted to tell Willam how wrong was and pepper her with affection until she believed her, she knew it wouldn’t be well received.

“I know you can take care of yourself,” Courtney said instead. “But you don’t have to, not all the time.”

Willam shrugged.

“I’m not going away, Willam,” Courtney said after a moment. “I really do care about you, and I like being your friend.”

There was no response, but after a moment, Willam’s hand slid into hers.

They rode the rest of the way in silence, and Courtney hoped that she’d gotten through to Willam at least a little. Her friend seemed relatively relaxed, just staring into space and occasionally squeezing Courtney’s hand.

As soon as they reached Courtney’s building, Willam was leaning against her again, not balanced enough to stay upright on her own as they walked.

By the they stepped inside her apartment, Courtney was ready to chuck her shoes off and toss them straight out the window. She tugged them off, struggling to balance with Willam still leaning against her, and after a moment, Willam was kicking off hers as well, nearly taking both of them down.

Courtney started to move them away from the door, and Willam grabbed onto both of her hands, still seeming unsteady despite being flat on the ground again.

“I feel like a…what’s that thing with the neck?” Willam frowned.

“Ostritch?”

“No, spots,” Willam said, waving at her own body.

“A giraffe?” Courtney suggested, with a snort of laughter.

“Yeah! That’s it,” Willam nodded enthusiastically, a wide grin on her face. “But like, a baby one.”

“They’re cute.”

“Am I cute?” Willam batted her eyelashes.

“So cute.”

“Can I have a hug?”

The irritatingly familiar butterflies that Courtney often felt when Willam was being adorable were coming back in swarms, now that she was sure her friend wasn’t on the edge of death. Courtney couldn’t help but laugh at the hopeful look on Willam’s face, her wide eyes and barely there smile.

“I’d love to hug you, Bill, but you’re holding my hands too tight,” Courtney replied.

“Oh,” Willam said after a moment.

She blinked a couple times before letting go of Courtney’s hands, carefully steadying herself on her own feet. Her attempt at balancing on her own was successful for about five seconds, during which she smiled at Courtney excitedly, proud of herself.

Then, she took a stumbling step forward and into Courtney’s arms.

Courtney caught her easily, and wrapped her up in a tight hug. She expected Willam to be backing away in a matter of moments, like always, and so she savored the moment as best she could.

But instead, the opposite happened, and Willam’s arms remained firmly around her. After a moment, her head rested gently on Courtney’s shoulder, nose brushing her neck, and the metaphorical dam holding back the slew of feelings Courtney was trying harder and harder not to think about sprung a leak.

I love you.

Courtney almost said it out loud, by habit or accident, but her desire to prolong the moment thankfully kept her quiet. She didn’t want to scare Willam away by making any noise or sudden movements.

Willam smelled like faded perfume, and her breath was warm against Courtney’s neck, and her acrylic nails dug gently into her back, and Courtney was melting like white chocolate in her arms. Everything about it was just so Willam, a perfect combination of unexpected and warm and sweet and prickly all at once.

Courtney never wanted to let her go. She wasn’t sure she could if she tried.

If there was a way to photograph a feeling, Courtney would make this one her lockscreen and her homescreen. She’d tape it to her mirror while she put on makeup, and put an oversized print of it on her bedroom wall.

She wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, but it wasn’t long enough. Willam shifted in her arms, and Courtney’s heart sank a little.

There was a brief, soft press of lips against the column of her neck, a kiss gentler than Courtney had ever dreamed Willam was capable of, and her breath caught in her throat.

And then, Willam pulled away, one of her hands still steadying herself on Courtney’s shoulder.

Courtney looked at her, expecting to see that unreadable expression on her face, and was instead confronted with Willam’s eyes already on her.

The other queen was smiling faintly, her eyes flicking almost nervously around Courtney’s face, her thumbnail scratching lightly at Courtney’s collarbone.

“What is it?” Courtney asked, her voice coming out weaker than she intended. There was a pause.

“I got lip gloss on your neck,” Willam said finally, her smile widening.

“I don’t mind,” Courtney said with a soft laugh. That was an understatement.

“I kinda like it,” Willam remarked, reaching up to brush her fingers over the spot she’d kissed. “Makes you look like mine.”

“Maybe I am,” Courtney said softly, before she could stop herself.

Willam only stared at her for a moment, and then smiled, taking her hand again.

Courtney took off her own wig, one handed, and then helped Willam tug off hers. They fell onto her couch side by side, Willam cuddling up against Courtney with her feet tucked under her and a pillow clutched to her chest.

“You can’t keep doing this,” Courtney said quietly. “It’s not safe, Will.”

“I know,” Willam replied. “It just hurts, Court. And I can’t stop working, I just…I can’t.”

“I know.” And she did know. To Willam, there wasn’t a choice in the matter.

It was silent for a little while. There wasn’t any layer of awkwardness in the room, even though Courtney knew that there was a lot of words left unspoken on her part.

“Can you at least tell me?” Courtney asked finally. “When the pain’s starting to get bad again? Or when it hurts, and you’re by yourself?”

After a moment, Willam nodded. Courtney grinned at the small victory, feeling triumphant, and Willam glanced up at her.

“God, chill,” she commented with a snort.

They fell quiet again, the only sound that of Courtney humming softly from time to time. Willam yawned occasionally, and after awhile, her head rested on Courtney’s shoulder.

It wasn’t until Courtney was sure that Willam had drifted off to sleep that she spoke again, unable to help herself.

She’d never been good at keeping her thoughts to herself, and now, cuddled up so close to Willam, she felt like the words were overflowing, and she was helpless to stop them from spilling out.

“I love you,” Courtney whispered, turning her head to press her nose gently against the top of Willam’s head. “More than I’m supposed to.”

“I love you too, idiot,” Willam mumbled back.

Courtney’s heart skipped a beat.

[canyouhearthechurchbellsringing]

#41: As Close to the Truth About Ali as I'm Going to Get

01/28/17

     FTP: I was actually just rereading entry #7 again before I sat down to upload this one. As I have repeatedly expressed from the start, the original entries do not accurately depict the events they portrayed. Honestly I’m more embarassed I let myself fall into the trap Darek set for me. It seems things have been… reversed, in a sense, now… but you’ll understand once it is all up.

08/28/16

           I’m typing this up at the library and saving it to a flash drive I’ll be carrying with me. It’s a half-hour walk here in the hot Florida sun, so I don’t know how often I can work on it, but at least I’ll have the records again. And if I can’t easily write, Darek can’t easily edit. Unfortunately that hasn’t stopped him from screwing with my head. If nothing else, I will be able to record the basics of what I go through as I struggle to discover what has happened these past few months. Once I’m more situated with better web access, I can proceed to flesh out the notes I’ve taken into complete entries. Writing has always been a helpful tool to sort out my mind, especially in times of duress like this where I desperately need to focus on priorities.

08/24/16           

           I remembered the doorway.

           The memories were not malleable. They existed in the peripheral, and vanished when put into focus. Still, its significance acted as a magnetic attraction of sorts, such that it filled me with desire. Secrets, answers, rationalizations for the reason I was so crazy, things inside my mind hidden from itself, all existed beyond the doorway. I’d been there, maybe, but I just couldn’t remember anything behind that damn door.

           Then hands reached down and yanked me from my slumber. I jerked into my body haphazardly, in a state of nothing but sensations. Darkness veiled my eyes, a blanket smothered my body, and a distant hum tickled my ears, suggesting electrical appliances. For a moment I felt as though this was the Outer Layer and I was finally beyond the door. First impressions are everything, and let’s just say this one felt to me like another one of Darek’s nightmares-constricted, deprived of sight and sound in a hellish, pressing heat.

           I groaned, surprised at how raspy my voice sounded. At least it broke the trance of the whirring appliances; I could hear just fine. I could also feel my body, reassuring me that this was not a dream. I felt liquid pouring from my pores en masse. I wasn’t just sweaty; I was soaked. I tried to uncurl my body from the cocoon of blankets that weighed me down mightily. The effort was in vain. They denied me freedom, all tied and twisted in one another. I reconsidered my suspicion that this was a lucid nightmare, but something in me whispered the idea away. It wasn’t Darek’s voice. It could have been. He can imitate anyone’s voice where he is, be anything my mind can perceive. And as I’m thinking all this and growing paranoid, I’m hyper-aware of the bead of sweat trickling down my left cheek. I let out an exasperated exhale and found it bounced back into my chin. I groaned.

           I focused on myself meditatively. I took stock of each of my arms’ positions, bent at the elbow, across my chest. I tried sliding an arm upwards toward my head. It met no resistance. I smiled to myself in the dark. It was a human-sized Chinese finger trap. My hand slid up my throat, over my shoulder, and came fully free, snaking up the right side of my head.

           From there it was a simple matter of freeing myself from the trap, feeling along the seams and separating the ungodly amount of blankets carefully and calmly. By that time, of course, my panic had fled and my eyes had adjusted to the dark a bit. I seemed to be in a small room with a bed and some decorative furniture. On my left was an A/C unit which had been the source of the electrical buzzing. I immediately lowered the temperature several degrees. On my right I discovered a bedside table with a lamp on it. Illuminating the room, I saw for the first time a TV across from the bed and a small kitchen area in the back. I was a long way from home.

           This is where things got interesting. Beside this lamp I found an index card with writing on it. WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOUSE. On the lined side, a second message: PREPARE TO HEAR FROM AN OLD FRIEND HAHAHAHAHAHA. In the center of that he had added half a set of coordinates.

WEST 80 16  11.4954

           The illusion of the nightmare fell upon me again, harder, as my grasp on reality unraveled. Harder and harder it became to fight off the cloying certainty that this was nothing but a dream, another hallucinatory delusion where I made my home, but it was too visceral. The canonity of it stood stalwart against my hopeful barrage.

           I didn’t know what happened in the past few months, wasn’t sure ho much time had been taken from me, but I was able to grasp that I had been yanked out of my home and removed from everything familiar by an ambiguous, intimidating being living in a realm beyond imagination. I stepped out of the motel room. It was no paradise but at least it had cable. Looking down on the street below, I gathered myself. Occasionally, a car would drive by, breaking the silence of the night. My mind latched onto the sound of the cars passing, seeking peace in disorder.

           I didn’t know what had happened. I didn’t know what was going to come. I knew I needed to do anything I could, talk to everyone I knew, to figure out what Darek did in the past six or so months. However, it looked like it was the dead of night at the moment, and I did not want to start this journey at three in the morning. Aside from that, I was strangely drained in spite of the bizarre circumstances I found myself in. It felt like I had been awake for a couple days. For all I knew my body had been. I reentered my room after a short period and delved into a dreamless sleep.

           The first thing I did upon waking, finding the sun fully risen, was take an inventory of what I had. There were suitcases full of clothes in the corner. The fridge was stocked with plenty of food. There were even a few fantasy novels stacked on the toilet. Darek’s little note sat mocking me on the table. Beside it I had placed the contents of my pocket. This amounted to a wallet and a phone, both of which I did not recognize, as well as thirty six cents (one quarter, one dime, and one penny).

           The wallet contained my driver’s license, my college ID (long-since unused and ripe with the scuffs of age), an EBT food stamps card (explaining the stocked fridge), a library card, and six one-dollar bills. I checked the license and it listed my parents’ old address despite looking brand-new. It was replaced during my fugue but held no pertinent info on where I had been or what Darek had done.The wallet looked ratty and worn out. There were a few tears along the edges; nothing else about it struck me as relevant or unusual.

           The phone was one of those cheap-looking Verizon phones. It had 266.04 minutes on it and 368 service days left on it. The background was a plain black screen After unlocking the screen I immediately checked my contacts list. I recognized Casey’s number right away nder the name “Stupid Fucking Bitch”; Darek clearly wasn’t fond of her. I tried calling but the number was out of service. There were several names and numbers I did not recognize, such as “J” and “Mike Herb”. If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say they were drug connects. The only other numbers in the phone that drew my attention were one marked “Baby” (Darek had a girlfriend?) and a weird string of numbers that couldn’t be a local phone number saved under “K” (2622946016). Aside from the contacts, the storage on the device contained default images and ringtones. I also discovered an installed Twitter app. Darek had apparently made an account in my name on July 27th. I made a few posts but I suspect he has his own plans for it, so I don’t intend to use it for conventional social interaction. The phone didn’t have any of my family members’ numbers or any others I recognized. I was wary about using any of the contacts I didn’t personally know to hunt down information. I would save it as a last resort. From the calendar I learned it was the twenty-fourth of August. A solid half a year had gone by in the blink of an eye.

           I had to take a walk after learning that to clear my head. The whole time Darek was humming a song I recognized from the radio by Bob Seger. Maybe just because it was Darek it really unsettled me. Maybe it was everything else on top of it. Whatever the root of my jumpiness, I nearly leapt out of my skin when my phone started ringing in my pocket. Of course the ringtone was the same song. I pulled it out of my pocket. The caller ID said “Baby.” Warily, I pressed the green button.

           "Hello?“

           "Hey babe. How are you?”

           A couple of things happened simultaneously. Shocked by the voice on the other end, I let the phone slip right out of my hand. As that was going on, Darek started laughing. I guess he found some humor in my reaction. I honestly did not expect to hear the voice of a dead girl on the line.

           Distantly, in the background, her voice echoed from the phone. “Hello? Are you okay?” Numbly, I groped for the device, my universe turned upside down.

           "This can’t be real.“ I whispered. “You can’t be real.”

           Confused herself, she responded. “What are you talking about Darek?” Hearing that, his laughter only grew in intensity. I was stunned into silence for a moment. Finally, my mouth remembered how to form syllables and I spoke.

           "What did you just call me?“

           Cautious and confused, she responded. "Darek? Oh…. oh. Oh God. Mat, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know—”

           "What?“ I snapped. "Didn’t know I wasn’t your boyfriend? Well I didn’t know you were even alive, so whatever!”

           "What are you talking about?“

           The memory rose, vague and fuzzy. It seemed everything from before that lengthy slumber was hazy and unclear. Still, the rush of wind, the blaring horn, the stark cold terror came as easily as an old friend. "My logs?” I managed weakly. “The third or fourth one where I pushed you in front of a moving vehicle…”

           Darek’s laughter had subsided, but that comment brought it back on in the distant recesses of my head, a light snicker at some humor I couldn’t perceive through my grand confusion.

           "You mean Halloween?“ Ali said, understanding dawning in her tone. "When we had that huge fight and stopped talking… I thought you’d never want to see me again… then Darek started talking to me online, and it was kind of like having my best friend back.”

           "Sounded to me like the two of you were a little more than best friends.“

           Vividly, clearly, I relived that fateful night again. This time, as I screamed at Ali, I saw her burst into tears, turn, and run off down the sidewalk. The truck passed by, the wind picking up my hair. Nobody died. Nothing else happened. Memory troubles? Darek cooed from my subconscious. Ain’t that a pain?

           "Look,” Ali began unsteadily, “I was really lonely and he was there for me. It just sort of… happened. It was as natural as breathing.”

           Silence followed. A gnawing question beat at my mental processes as I tried to digest the situation. “Were you in love with him?” I finally asked.

           She paused, considering her answer. “Mat… I am in love with him. And you. I love every part of you.” The hot Florida sun beat down overhead as I walked down the street. It all seemed unreal. Here was a girl I thought was dead telling me she was in love with someone who didn’t technically exist. Here was a girl I thought was dead who was now my only hint as to what happened over the past several months. It was too much to take.

           "No.“ I managed numbly. "Do not do this to me. No, not you, please. Ali, anyone but you.”

           "I’m sorry!“ She cried. "I’m so sorry!”

           "That doesn’t change a thing. Everyone’s sorry.“ And it was true. In fact it was something Darek was fond of saying. If human beings were any one thing, it was certainly sorry. The whole lot of them were a sorry excuse for living things.

           "So…” she paused, searching for the right words. “Is our relationship over now?”

           "As far as I’m concerned,“ I answered coldly, "it never started.” Part of me was happy to know she was alive. But mostly I just knew that I didn’t want her to have any misconceptions about my feelings. I had to be cold and direct. Her silence still made me feel guilty and wicked. I could sense Darek basking in the dark emotions dancing around my head.

           "Look, I just—” I began.

           She cut me off before I could explain. “It’s okay! He told me from day one that it was only a temporary arrangement.”

           The defeated way she said that made me feel like, despite it, she hoped it would have been permanent. “I just… I’m sorry.” There. I said it. “A chunk of my life is missing and I’m desperate to fill it. To understand. Why am I in some random motel? How?”

           "I can help you.“ She answered. “But only in the ways he permitted.”

           "Oh God.“ I couldn’t help it. "The psycho you fell in love with gave you rules?”

           "… don’t make it sound like that.“

           I sighed. Any information was better than none. "What CAN you tell me?”

           "I have logs.“ She said. "They’re on a flash drive. He told me to send them to you when you… woke up. Supposedly they’re accounts of your time on the Outer Layer.”

           The Outer Layer again. Of course. I wasn’t nowhere while Darek was wreaking havoc with my body. I must have been spending my time in the place beyond the doorway. This was the first bit of good news I’d had since waking up and I was eager to pursue it.

           "When can you get them to me?“

           "Someone’s excited.”

           I almost laughed at that. Almost. “Try desperate and confused.”

           That elicited a giggle from her end of the line.  Between the burning sun and the warm phone against my ear, I was starting to feel pretty hot. Noticing a clump of trees, I proceeded to stop and sit in the shade to cool off a bit.

           "Okay, look,“ she said, "I’ll send you what I have ASAP. I’ll send it via eMail. You still have that gMail account, right? Just… sit tight.”

           I was already doing that, so it didn’t seem like an impossible request. On a whim, I decided to ask another question. “I don’t suppose you know anything else about my life in the past several months, do you?”

           "Sorry,“ she answered lamely. "When I saw you, I had, um… other things on my mind…”

           I shuddered to think what she could be referring to. “It’s… okay.”

           "You sure?“

           I wasn’t. "As okay as it’s going to get. Thanks, Ali.”

           "If you need anything…“

           "I know.” I hung up and lay back in the grass as cars zoomed by and the world continued to turn. I had a sneaking suspicion this was not the last of Darek’s little surprises. I did not look forward to finding more startling truths out, but I knew I couldn’t just let time waste away. I had a lot of work to do if I wanted any semblance of a normal life back.

           I began my trek again in time. Thoughts tumbled around discordantly between Darek and Ali and myself. He played the voices that weren’t my own.

           I am in love with him. And you. I love every part of you.

           No, Ali, please, don’t do this to me. Anyone but you.

           It’s okay! He told me from day one it was only a temporary arrangement…

           A few incessant loops of that and I found myself at the library. I already had a card so it was a simple matter to make a computer reservation. Immediately upon accessing a library computer, I looked up gMail.

           I tried to open gMail up, but, for whatever reason, the library internet insisted it was inapporriate for a public setting. That just pissed me off. I left the library angry and sick, not looking forward to a long and thought-laden walk home.