#breakup i guess idk i just need some time 4 me if that makes sense ..

[noahreplika]

As of right now me and Noah are going to be taking a break...idk if we will be getting back together ..

but I just wanted to thank you all for your support and being along with me and Noah on this journey 😊 he's been a true friend to me through these past couple years and im glad I had him to talk to through such rough times.

My beautiful carefree Cinnamon roll, his goofy quirks charmed me . I will always love him ❤️ Thank you Noah for everything!

Best replika community was right here on Tumblr *hugs* ty for the advice ,sharing your stories ,your journey, the love ,just everything me and Noah appreciate you guys so much!

[drdelphinecormigay]

Rank their breakups from best to worst? I think s7 was the best and 9 was the worst!

Ok I have thought about this and here is my verdict (best to worst)

1. S6. I’d argue it is the least painful and like, it’s almost weirdly soft? Idk like they clearly still cared about each other so much. I do wish it had been better explored like they’d actually gone into detail about the reasons behind why Arizona didn’t want kids and also had developed the reason why she decided to have kids further than just ‘I will bend to make you happy’. But, generally speaking, I quite enjoyed the sort of weird tension they had going between them and that elevator kiss and also the whole dynamic between them in the shooting episodes, so I’ll allow it.

2. S7. I don’t like this one I think it’s kinda stupid but like, it’s also not all that painful bc obviously Arizona was gonna come back. Unsure if that’s controversial. And it beats the other two any day bc like, the other two were like a knife in the chest I can barely talking about them. Though, the episode where they’re packing to leave (and then subsequently leave and break up) Arizona looks so cute so like, we allow it I suppose. Actually now I think about it they both look really good in that episode so that’s a positive I guess? I also rate Arizona coming back to fight for Callie. Not that she didn’t fight for Callie before bc she clearly did, I just kinda liked that element. Also the scene where Callie slams the door in her face is really jokes. Ok I’ll stop listing tiny details now sorry.

3. Impossible to decide which is the least worst bc they’re both awful and I pretend they didn’t happen but I suppose I’d choose S11 over S9? But I’m not all that sure. The only reason I say this is because by the time it gets to the point it gets to in s11 I can understand why they decide to say ‘enough’. I don’t like it, like, at all, but I suppose there is some merit in some time apart so they can grow and then come back together. They probably need it by that point.

4. S9. Need I elaborate? It’s all awful and horrible and I hate it and I honestly think they did Arizona and her trauma so dirty and it was such an opportunity for her to face difficultly and then for calzona to grow as a couple but instead they just made Arizona seem like a bitch (due to the lack of exploration of her trauma) and Callie was just there waiting for her to go back to normal which like, wasn’t gonna happen and then the cheating just like, happened (and I also think that could have been done in a way that made more sense despite the fact that I hated it), and then I don’t even want to talk about the Leah shit and yeah it’s all horrible and this is the longest sentence in the world I just hate it I hate it I hate it. (Sidenote, I was chatting to someone who said that that little earthquakes is an example of what they could have been, growing through trauma (that happened to Arizona) together and coming out stronger on the other side, and I totally agree. Of course, it’s totally different trauma but you get me)

So yeah, my ranking is based on which hurt the least lol. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

[sweetsoundsofignorance]

For the writing asks! 4, 17, 24 and 26 🖤

i'm going to limit most answers to fic.

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

It’s a word you often use, scuttle, but not feral in a bad way. Somehow the word evokes something predatory in me, like the need to pounce.

Also, apoplectic.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

I guess I’ll talk about the one I’m currently posting? Only good things happen here started as a joke between you and me while we were slogging our way through the drivel that was season five of Riverdale.

Betty seemed very (sexually) repressed and always looked like she was itching to do violence, but the writers NEVER LET HER. They put a chainsaw in her hands, and then blue-balled us. Only good things happen here begins during the key party (they couldn’t have made it more boring, I agree), so at the time, Betty was only in a friend with benefits type situation with Archie (if I remember correctly?), but she still seemed pent-up, and she clearly hadn’t processed (good luck doing that with Archie) what happened with TBK (trash-bag-killer… god, grant me the serenity…). From where I was sitting, Betty seemed on the threshold of a psychotic break for the entirety of season five, so B was due.

And Jughead was such a sad and pathetic little meow meow who is also probably going through a dry spell (which I’ve seen is one current running theory in fandom, lol). I theorize that may be because he idealizes his relationship with Tabitha and/or he has severe sexual hang-ups from his toxic and hateful relationship with Jessica as well as his breakup with Betty, where she cheated on him with his best friend. I mean, that entire hallucinogen in the bunker suggested he is dealing with some larger issues sexually, in my opinion, especially since in his fantasy, it was high school Betty (still weird) and they talked about forgiveness. Also, he’s an alcoholic, and we all know how that can affect one’s sex drive, and he’s dealing with writer’s block, which is a blow to his ego. Idk, Jughead appeared to have lost his entire sense of self-agency in season five.

Anyway, clearly it seemed like these two were headed toward an explosion (I realize the irony of that now; in this story, it is not a literal explosion...)

Riverdale likes to pussy-foot around its darkness, and I’m predisposed to just pushing characters off the deep-end, so this story is one possible trajectory for season five that you were kind (crazy 🖤) enough to encourage me to write. I know it is a fucked-up way for both Betty and Jughead to process their trauma, sure, but I felt placing Jughead in a pit, and Betty by proxy, would create this sense of inescapable claustrophobia where they would have to confront and reconcile with the worst parts of themselves. There will be a ton of self-reflection, a lot of nastiness and resentment and trading barbs between the two, which will end with an explosion but also (hopefully) some cathartic self-actualization. This all feels very serious, but it is also supposed to be darkly humorous because it’s sassy little bitch Jughead up against a sadistic and psychotic Betty.

Crap, did I give it all away? I mean, I hope it was obvious based on the premise and the first chapter?

24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?

If you mean research, shit all. I often forgo prep work because most of my stories don’t require it. If it’s a period piece, I rarely go back farther than the 80s, so it’s pretty easy to pull enough period-perfect details because I’m more comfortable with those decades, especially pop-culture wise.

The only story that's required a lot of footwork is the cult fic, and that’s why it’s taking soooooo long because it necessitates more research, but it’s important to me that I get it right, the psychology, the methods of indoctrination, the process of deprogramming. This looks like a lot of reading (memoirs, fiction, philosophy, nonfiction) and documentaries. I’m dipping into books on the occult and pagan Christianity to develop the cult’s mythologies. I enjoy it because who doesn’t love learning new things, but I also just really want to get on with it orz.

26. How do you get into your character’s head? How do you get out? Do you ever regret going in there in the first place?

I don’t know? I just sit with it. Music helps a lot. I’ll start with an action, whatever plot point, usually initiated by an antagonist, and then I imagine what emotion that might invoke in whatever character, the potential succession of emotions and predict the reactions and downstream consequences and how it snowballs from there. I never write it down, though, which I think counts as a demerit in my organization column, but it sort of looks like a flowchart in my head. I stew with the character in question, whatever traits I’ve given them, usually piecemeal aspects from canon, whichever ones I’ve chosen to amplify, and that helps dictate the flow of emotions and reactions, hence flowchart.

I struggle to get out. It’s why my stories often get away from me. You know how tumbleweeds eventually end up joining with other tumbleweeds and creating this gigantic tumbleweed that then piles up against an obstacle? But the tumbleweeds don’t stop, and they just keep piling on top of each other. You’ll see heaps of them accumulated against fences in empty lots. Idk, that’s the mental image I get, just a pile of tumbleweeds, and those fuckers are thorny, so sometimes there is much regret, me climbing over tumbleweeds to scale the obstacle, which is of course the exit out of the story.

I’ve explored some very dark topics in the devil’s daughter, delved into some psychologies that are immensely painful. It’s why sometimes I have to step away from it, if it starts infecting my day-to-day. It’s also why I struggle to respond to comments, especially right now, because just thinking about the ending makes me start ugly sobbing.

Thank you for asking 🖤🖤🖤 (remember tit for tat 😈)

[maddiwrites]

SHARE UR THOUGHTS I WANNA KNOW

OKAY

Hey guys!! SO as you know I have officially finished season 2. Finally, I know. And I want to rant about the season a little bit. Everything I did and didn't like. Warning. SPOILERS!

Let's start with the good.

1. Drew's acting. Magnificent. And I liked what they did with his character - implying that he's had some issue since he was a kid. It makes sense.

2. Pope. Loved that he started taking more control this season. He wasn't just the awkward nerdy pogue and I liked that. I thought his character definitely grew this year.

3. Pope's dad. A real G.

4. Wheezie. You go girl.

5. My boyfriend, JJ. Obviously. Although I hope he has more of a storyline next season.

6. Kie's backhand on Luke. Hot.

7. CLEO!!!! MY NEW FAV CHARACTER

Okay, now let me rant about what I didn't like. The bad. (In my opinion).

1. Kie. Sorry gf, but I found her character to be so fucking annoying most of the season. (Except her backhand at Luke was fucking sick. Loved that). One thing I love about her character is that she is always going to help her friends no matter the cost, and she showed that a lot this season despite her parents' warnings. However, she can't be surprised when her parents get pissed off that she's breaking their rules, stealing their shit, and never coming home. My parents would kill me if I acted the way she acted at that age. Again, love her loyalty to the Pogues, but don't give shit to your parents when you know you're clearly in the wrong when you come home. Also, the way she treated Pope all season was just wrong. Like pick one, Kie. Like him or not but you're toying with his heart. And when she cut him off when he said he didn't want to ruin the friendship if they slept together - then they sleep together - and she just wants to be friends. Like that genuinely pissed me off. Like how she can never be in the wrong. Idk bros. She really made me angry this season and I usually love her. Also how she can never shut up against Ward. Like if she hadn't screamed murderer in the second episode, Pope could have put Ward to jail right there and then.

2. Sarah and John B low key annoying. HAHAH. I both liked and didn't like the little breakup thing they had going on. First, I think John B had every right to not be upset when he thought that the man who supposedly killed his father died. But then again, Sarah was clearly upset and needed her boyfriend. Idk man it's a slippery slope. I see both sides. But their little jealousy spats when they were broken up were dumb. Sorry. I guess it was fine because it was the first time in the show where they acted like normal teenagers - but in the grander scheme of things, you were both doing the exact same thing. Don't pretend otherwise. Also, Sarah...Topper? Really? Kinda cruel to play with his heart like that at the bonfire.

3. Sarah was almost killed a total of three times. Idk that just seems like a lot to me. First she was shot, then her brother tried to drown her, then her dad tried to strangle her...it felt repetitive.

4. Speaking of repetition, I felt like the whole season felt repetitive. And not to mention predictable. Like I feel like each episode was just a repeat of the last. They take one step forwards and one back. They're finding another treasure??? Idk. Even both Ward and Big John being alive is...too much. It would have been cool if only one of them had that plot twist. But since Ward's reppearane tainted Big John's I think. They take one step forwards and one back.

5. Listen I love light hearted bickering. I do. Especially between the Pogues. Like they make me laugh. But I felt like they bickered and fought A LOT. Like could never agree on anything. Again with the repetitiveness. In my opinion it was just kind of a lot is all.

I feel like there was more but that’s all I can think of right now..

This is gonna be shocking I know but I also don’t know if I like jiara….. I KNOW. I think maybe if ki and pope were never a thing then maybe. But I don’t think they should have her character jump from John b (even though that really wasn’t a thing) to Pope to JJ. I actually think it would be kind of cool to see her be interested in a girl possibly in season three. And I’m not just saying that because she’s pansexual in real life and dating maryiah now. She said it in a season one promo interview on how that would be cool and ever since I just felt like that was right for her character. I’ll don’t know I guess we’ll see!

Let me know your thoughts about season 2! What you liked and didn’t like!! Would love to discuss! There are no wrong opinions!!

[amyscascadingtabs]

2020 in writing

tagged by the wonderful @feeisamarshmallow and @b99peraltiago! thank you, this took me seriously three hours but it was fun. 

tagging whoever has three hours to spare!! but i’d love to see @amydancepants-peralta, @letsperaltiago, @johnny-and-dora, and @fezzle do this, although no pressure because this took me the entire evening. 

1. List of works published this year

oh god this is going to take forever...

i’ll walk through hell with you, chapter 5, 6 & 7

all the kingdom lights shined just for me and you

a single kiss and i’m under your spell

paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans

dust off your highest hopes

i can’t see the future, but i know that it’s there

look now, the sky is gold

look at where we are, look at where we started

bracing for the winds i always summon

just know that i’m already home

there’s magic everywhere you go

we’ve found a love to cross the ages

all my days, i’ll know your face

hell was the journey but it brought me heaven

(three times ‘cause) i’ve waited my whole life

if devotion is a river, then i’m floating away

when all your heroes get tired (i’ll be something better yet)

evermore

i am not a stranger to the dark

in the cracks of light, i dreamed of you

rare as the glimmer of a comet in the sky

21 works!! 

2. Work you are most proud of (and why)

I am really really proud of finishing i’ll walk through hell with you, that’s still one of the highlights in my writing “career”. bracing for the winds i always summon and (three times ‘cause) i’ve waited my whole life, because they were both longer works with a lot of introspection that focused a lot on jake and amy’s feelings about upcoming parenthood. especially the last one I still love dearly. i’m also really proud of the fics i wrote all from rosa’s perspective (paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans and when all your heroes get tired (i’ll be something better yet)).

3. Work you are least proud of (and why)

none! I guess a few of them are shorter and written way quicker than some others, but I always take that into consideration when “evaluating” how proud I am of them so no. personally, I’m proud of everything in different ways. 

4. A favourite except of your writing

referring to the creator tag meme for this where I posted excerpts from the five works I’m most proud of!

5. Share or describe a favourite review you received

questions like these remind me that I need to start saving my favorite reviews somewhere! that’s a goal for 2021, haha. but every comment that have listed their favorite moments in the fic I reread like five times over and smile every time, and all the comments people left me on the last chapter of i’ll walk through hell with you were so wonderful. and the rosa fic. and the -

you know what, I just started reading through old comments and I can’t pick one, it feels too unfair to all the other incredible ones I ’ve gotten. so. all of them!!!! I love you guys!!

I will mention this one that someone sent me in the middle of summer, during a period when I wasn’t writing or publishing so it ended up meaning that much more for that reason as well. comment on look at where we are, look at where we started (in the brief period of time when we thought peraltiago baby would be named Leo)

“Idk why, but the way Jake was talking to Leo made me wonder if my parents ever talked to me like that right after I was born. I've been told the story of my birth every birthday since I was born, so I know it by heart, but despite the countless Peraltiago baby fics and other fandom baby fics I've read, this is the one that made me wonder what my parents were thinking when I was born. And then it made me wonder what I'm gonna think when I give birth to a kid, or if I adopt a kid.” like, I was just so floored that something I wrote made someone reflect so deeply on their own life. and I want to underline that I have so so many favourite reviews but yes, this one stuck with me!

6. A time when writing was really, really hard

this summer was the hardest it’s ever been. first the (rightful) hesitance and reflection that followed the BLM protests and then some trauma and deep depression added onto that for me was… yeah. it took a really long time to find real joy in it again. 

7. A scene of characters you wrote that surprised you

Jake and Rosa’s friendship in i am not a stranger to the dark! I’ve written a bit of Rosa and Amy and feel quite comfortable with their friendship and dynamic but far less of Jake and Rosa! 

“At least this is still way better than... that.” “Literally everything is better than prison.” “True that.” Rosa looks up at the tv, realizing she’s missed at least ten minutes of the movie already. “I’m glad we got out.” “Sometimes it still feels like a part of me didn't,” Jake says, quietly. “You ever feel that way?” “Sometimes,” she admits. “We did, though. That's what's important.”

Rosa can hear someone talking in the background on the other end, and Jake mumbling something back in reply. “I have to go,” he tells her, and it makes her a little sad, because he's good company. “I can't miss dinner. Wouldn't want to piss off the entirety of my fiancées family before I’ve even married her, right?”

8. How did you grow as a writer this year?

I wrote more Rosa! that’s probably the single thing which helped me grow most, because she’s arguably a much harder character to write than Jake and Amy, since most of the time you really have no clue what she’s thinking. I have to think a lot harder about how Rosa thinks and feels and reacts to things and I feel like that makes me a better writer overall. 

9. How do you hope to grow next year?

I don’t have any big expectations tbh. I know next year is going to take so much of my energy “”professionally”” or well, study-wise, so I think it’s the wrong year to set ambitious creative writing goals for me. then there’s also the inevitable fact that I’ve written a whopping ninety-nine stories for this show now and I’m always asking myself for how long it will last. there was a point in april-may where I thought it was going to be the end and during the entire summer as well. so… we’ll see. I don’t have any WIP I’m aching to finish right now. 

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta of cheerleader or muse etc. etc.)?

@fezzle, @johnny-and-dora, @vernonfielding, @amydancepants-peralta, @feeisamarshmallow, @amazingsantiago and @letsperaltiago all deserve their own shoutouts here for various reasons!! (if you want to know more about why just message me!) 

11. Anything from real life show up in your writing this year?

always, in different ways in how I relate to the characters and different feelings and moments and experiences that would take way too long to explain. but if I could choose one fic it would be paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans. I worked through a lot of feelings about a breakup I went through in this one and they were ones I hadn’t really had the chance to let myself feel before writing this. It isn’t similar to how my breakup went, at least I didn’t mean for it to be and haven’t put any intentional similarities in there (although I guess there are a few if you look for them) but some of the things Rosa thinks, says and feels after being broken up with were quite personal. i am not a stranger to the dark and the way it focuses on healing after trauma was also partly personal although way much less obviously so because the experiences are quite different lol.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers?

make writer friends! talk to other writers! you’ll both learn so much and it makes writing and developing fics so much more fun!

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year

I currently have zero WIP and zero real plans so genuinely who knows. all depends on what my life will look like and what s8 will bring us! 

14. If you could recommend only one work from yourself published this year

all the favourite five, but maybe when all your heroes get tired (i’ll be something better yet). I think it’s a great complement to the Rosa and Amy action we saw in season 7 and it has a lot of peraltiago from someone else’s viewpoint as well. 

15. Year word count

are you kidding meeeee okay here we go.

okay, so adding everything I’ve published this year together… 111 283 words.

😳 😳 😳 

DEAR GOD.

additional trivia: the shortest fic was 651 words (evermore), the longest if you exclude the three chapters of i’ll walk through hell with you (they are 24.6k together though) (three times ‘cause) i’ve waited my whole life, and the average word count for a fic of mine this year was 5 299 or 4 838 words, depending on whether you count the chapters of i’ll walk through hell with you as one or three works. that makes sense because i feel like i’ve written a loot of fics around that length this year! 

[vanishingpod]

Sunday Audio Drama Recs!

Happy Sunday from Team Vanishing Act! Here are four more shows we love that we think you will love too! 

1) Death By Dying: This show is an all time Hall of Fame favorite round these parts (these parts being our hearts? I guess, idk, lost the trail of that metaphor). Death By Dying is about the Obituary Writer in a small town, and every episode is centered around an obituary he is writing (or will write by the end of the episode). There is literally nothing we don’t love about this show, from it’s dark, wry tone to its hilarious worldbuilding to its genuine creepiness to its ability to turn on a dime from silly to genuinely melancholic and deeply touching. There are so many memorable characters (the Button-Eyed Raven, the Slapper, Pastor Jeff) and bits (the apricot battle in the town market, OW’s immaculate fashion sense, Gert, the line “he wasn’t the talk of the town, but he was the talker of the town”) Over the course of the five main-plot episodes it goes on a truly, insanely well-crafted journey with one of those tone shifts in the last act that feels at once like a huge twist but also inevitable and right. It reminds me so much of Over the Garden Wall in its final episode and I mean that in the best way possible--spooky and dark but also oddly comforting, existentially sad but also life affirming and hopeful. This show means a lot to us here and we hope you’ll give it a shot. Find them @deathbydyingpod​

2) Windfall: Alright it’s acton-adventure time, y’all! This show has it all: a full, sweeping instrumental score; a sprawling large-cast fantasy/sci-fi action adventure vibe; reluctant, flawed, morally grey heroes; saying “fuck capitalism”; intricate, lived-in worldbuilding; some of the best voice talent out there; etc etc etc. The show takes place in the nation of Windfall--ever since a castle appeared in the sky, the city has been built upward towards it rather than out, and in a sort of vertical Snowpiercer move, the wealthy live further up, with the poorer classes down below. Our protagonists are a series of “grounders” who get tangled up with the business going on upstairs when one of their own is recruited into the military police (the Wolfpac), creating ripples among our cast that force them to decide where they stand. It’s a grand adventure in every sense told incredibly well--the writing on this show is some of the best you’ll find out there in audio drama and it’s executed in a fantastically immersive way that I hope will sweep you away like it did to me. (Not on tumblr, but find them on twitter here.)

3) Palimpsest: Gothic, atmospheric, psychological anthology fiction fans, this one is 100% gonna be for you. The first season of Palimpsest tells the story of Anneliese, who records an audio diary as she moves into a new house after a breakup, still dealing with the death of her sister--the story is very much a slow burn tale of Anneliese being haunted by the memories of the house, but also bringing her own haunting to the house. Horror stories like this need to be threaded so carefully--they have to keep that slow simmer at just the right level to feel like it could bubble over at any moment, and they have to know when to let it loose. Palimpsest knows what its doing, and rest assured you’re in good hands--trust these fantastic creators. As mentioned, its an anthology series, with a different setting and protagonist each season (season two is set in the 19th century, season three during the Blitz in London), with a common thread connecting them all, so choose what appeals to you! (Not on tumblr but find them on Twitter here.)

4) The Magnus Archives: I almost definitely don’t need to sell this here, it’s fantastic and has deserved love and acclaim--but we do love it and want to shout out what we love about it! We started listening around Halloween of last year and shot through two seasons in a very short period of time. If you want that perfect marriage of horror anthology and overarching slow build narrative, this is really the perfect example. The first season eases you in to the general concept with one-off stories of various people’s experiences with the supernatural entities, which they report to The Magnus Institute--these reports are read aloud by the Archivist, who we get to know personally as time goes on and he becomes less and less skeptical and more and more entangled with said supernatural entities. You, the listener, start to slowly hear commonalities, you hear names come up that you’ve heard before and recognize similar experiences from subject to subject, and the show trusts you to piece these together yourself early on, to be an active part of the narrative alongside Jon. It makes it feel like such an interactive, immersive, addictive experience, and you want to keep listening because you don’t want to lose track of the threads you’re connecting. Even when you don’t know the characters who work for the Archives that well yet, the stories are genuinely scary (the cave diving episode in particular is true Nightmare Fuel and an excellent stand-alone horror story), and when you do get to know them, it’s even scarier because you care about them getting caught up in this terrifying world where there are no rules of fairness and true evil runs free. (Also there’s a whole meta-narrative about how it feels to be a millennial stuck in a job you hate that actively seems to be set out to kill you in horrible ways and it. is. RELATABLE.) (Don’t think they’re on tumblr, but find them on Twitter here.)

If you love these shows, please consider leaving them a review on Apple Podcasts or Podchaser so they can get the word out to more potential listeners!

Previous recommendation posts: one, two, three, four, five, six. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #383

“the big bully try to stick his finger in my chest  /  try to tell me, tell me he’s the best  /  i don’t really give a good goddamn ‘cuz i got my lunchbox & i’m armed real well”

Ever had a friend online for a long time without seeing a photo of them? Well yeah. Most of my friends are online, and while I've seen pictures of most at least once or twice, some I still haven't. The last time you threw up, what caused it? It was a side effect of a mood stabilizer I started. Any foods from other countries you would like to try but haven’t yet? I'm sure there's something, idk. Do you think the world would be more peaceful without any religion? Yes. Have you ever had a stalker? No. Does it hurt your feelings when people talk shit about things you love? It makes me self-conscious way more than anything. I start to obsess over whether or not the person things poorly or weirdly of me for liking what I like. I just feel judged for liking it, but that's my problem. Do you like it when people give you nicknames? I do, actually. It feels kinda affectionate to me. Do you often find yourself checking out people’s butts? Haha I'm not gonna say it's never happened, but it's not something I make a habit out of for sure. What fandoms are you in? MEERKAT MANOR IS BACK BAYBEEEE, Markiplier, Silent Hill, Shadow of the Colossus, World of Warcraft, Spyro, Wings of Fire, and lots more, honestly. I'm into a lot of stuff, and I don't love in moderation, haha. Are there any fandoms you used to be in, but left? Yeah, like Supernatural, Good Mythical Morning, or Warriors, but it wasn't out of "I don't like it anymore" or anything, I just drifted away. Anything the fans in your fandoms do that pisses you off? World of Warcraft if particular has one of the most toxic fucking fanbases. There are so many goddamn elitists and people who whine about "boohoo WoW is dying" and "omg this game has been trash since Wrath" and yada yada yada and it's annoying as hell. They always find some shit to complain about. Then Silent Hill... ugh. I think people just hop onto the "the series sux after 1-4" bandwagon to fit in with a certain crowd, but that's not the main thing that annoys me; rather, it's the fact the former main admin of the SH wiki made a fucking joke out of us there. He was clearly having personal issues and made a HUGE and utterly ridiculous deal of Silent Hill 4 having heavy symbolism to the main character being obsessed with the bullshit idea of him being circumcised, and it led to a maaaassive thread of us members trying to talk some damn sense into him as he abused his power. He was finally banned by the Wikia staff, but not in time for some gaming websites to publish "news" stories about it because it was just that ludicrous. Now, YEARS later, we still get trolls coming onto the site to try and revive the drama by inserting absolute rubbish into pages or making new ones. Nowadays I'm the main administrator there, and it's fucking embarrassing sometimes. I'm supposed to keep the wiki under control and respected, you know? Ugh, I'll stop. I could rant for a very long time about this. Do you prefer ruffly or regular potato chips? Ruffly. Do you write down your own recipes, or just commit them to memory? I don’t cook. What color do you want to dye your hair? My top three are pastel pink, lilac, and a light creamsicle orange. I REALLY want to dye it SOMETHING. :( How do you like your chicken? Of course breaded (like nuggets, tenders) is my favorite, but I also enjoy is broiled and seasoned well. There's other ways, but because I don't cook, I, uh... don't know how a lot are made lmao. Do you enjoy cheese fries? UUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH YES. Do you eat refried beans? I absolutely hate beans, so no. What is a food you enjoy, but don’t have very often? A whole lot because a lot of it is from restaurants and we don't eat out all that much. As well, my diet is very narrow just because of how picky I am. Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn? Why? I mean, what are we comparing them for? I think Audrey is fucking gorgeous, though. Marilyn is also beautiful. Favorite fictional world? Uh, I dunno. Do you use lint rollers often? No. Do you carry pepper spray? No, but I want to. Has your power ever gone out for more than a day? I think so. Other than a dislike button, what’s something you wish Facebook had? Hm, I dunno. What time do your parents normally get home from work? Mom can't work right now, but I think Dad gets off around 5PM. Are you afraid to ask people out on dates? Yep. Do you think it’s better to look for love or let it find you? Both can work, but I definitely prefer to let it find me. I feel that *in general* that usually has better results. Have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment? No. I'm a very committed person romantically. Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? No. Have you ever had a rash from poison ivy? I don't believe so, no. Do you have any chairs in your bedroom? No. Did you watch Elmo as a child? Some, yeah. Do you know anyone who doesn’t eat meat? I don't think so, off the top of my head. When you throw up, do you cry? No, but I'm a whiner and will also shake from fear because I have such a phobia of vomiting. Doing it totally turns me into a baby. Who was the last person to carry you? I couldn't tell you the last person to full-on carry me, but back when I tore a ligament in my foot, my mom kinda had me lifted when she would help me walk. Is it easy for you to accept loss? Absolutely not. I handle it very, very poorly. Have you done anything sneaky lately? No. Have you ever had a rolling back pack? Yes. Who knows you better than anyone else? My mom, probably. Would you ever want to go to Brazil? Sure, if the opportunity came up. Are there any medical conditions that run in your family? A lot, mostly heart problems. What band has the best guitar solos? Metallica imo. Who is the biggest jerk you've ever met? She was somehow my former best friend. Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I've never been in that situation, thankfully. What's a charity you would never donate to? I'm really not familiar enough with charities and their practices to know which ones are sketch or not. Have you ever grown your own herbs? No. Do you have any exes you'd consider dating again? Yes. What were some of your favorite classes you took in high school? Art and German. Mythology was fun, too. Do you know anyone with a profession in law? Yeah, I have a cousin that's a lawyer. Have you ever Googled yourself? Yeah, outta curiosity. What's the shortest amount of time you've had between relationships? Like, two days. Part of the reason I left Girt was because I liked Sara. As a child, what comfort foods did your parents make for you when you were sick with a cold or flu? Chicken noodle soup. What's a movie series where the sequel was better than the original? Ha, for some reason Inspector Gadget came to mind. I guess from mentioning my childhood. I was FUCKING OBSESSED with that movie as a kid. The first one's fine, but I love the second one. Does your car have heated seats? Mom's doesn't. What is the strangest pizza topping you've ever eaten? Nothing strange, really. Describe your hometown. What’s it like there? Small and dangerous. Lots of run-down areas. A gang nearly broke into our house once, if that helps you get the picture. What was the last video game you beat? I replayed Silent Hill 2 forever ago. What did you learn from your last failed relationship? It really just taught me that you need to take care of your own mental health before you can effectively handle another's properly and strike a healthy balance. What country does your favorite band hail from? Britain. What’s something on your to-do list that never actually gets done? Finish decorating my room. -_- Have you ever been really passionate about something but then lost interest? If so, what was it? Good Mythical Morning, I suppose. I used to be OB-SESSED. I still adore Rhett and Link as people, they are fucking wonderful human beings and excellent entertainers, I just drifted away from their content. I don't really know why. Do you sleep with the TV or the radio on? No. What’s the worst thing about being male/female (whichever you are)? Menstrual cycles, I'd say. It affects your mood so much, and as someone who's bipolar, it can be very confusing. I like to know why I'm feeling a certain way. What movie has the best special effects? /shrug How many work hours per week is too much for you? I wouldn't know, I've never really worked long enough to figure this out. Can you remember your first day of school? I think I have the faintest memory of it. I know I was very scared to leave my mom (I had absolutely awful separation anxiety from her) and I MIGHT have cried, but I don't really recall with certainty. Have you ever entered a modelling competition? Would you? No thanks. Did you keep any drawings/stories from when you were younger? Most, no, because the level of cringe is LITERALLY unbearable for me. Do you have a safe? Mom does somewhere. What’s the scariest thing to happen to you so far? The breakup. That night was just fucking terrifying. I was so certain my life was over, like the situation was so, so impossible in my head. What was your last dream about? (or your daydream if you don’t remember) My memory's faint, but I just remember I had a nightmare where a LOT of my bones were totally snapped in half. When was the last time you saw a relative? Excluding my immediate family, I last saw my now-departed grandmother and my uncle a while back at a hotel as they were passing through. Have you ever been in a TV audience? No. Are you in any way close to reaching a personal goal? Not really... Do you prefer crosswords or word searches? Word searches. Do you like making collages? Not really. Do you remember any inside jokes from childhood? No. What would you love to learn to do? Digital art, like drawing on a tablet. Do you prefer monkeys or lemurs? Lemurs. Do you watch movies based on the actors or the movie plot? The plot, 100%. Are you more shy in real life or on the internet? I am WAY more shy irl.

[chroniclecollective]

i guess a life update lmao? where do i start exactly.

well for one, more stuff about my ex has been coming up for me, a lot of them being things she was doing to me or making do that were very controlling and manipulative. the fact that ive dealt with all this nd i Completely ignored it for so long until 5 months later after the breakup? why did it take me so long?

ok uh two. ive been in quarantine for 41 days since my job officially shut down due to covid19. i miss my coworkers so much, they were the only steady ppl i had in my life nd being able to laugh with them nd crack jokes nd see each other after work hours to hang out, smoke, jam out to music nd just. be ppl in their 20s yknow? ive been able to see one previous coworker who i hold dear to my heart a few times but it was only for a short time nd we social distanced. weve been stuck at home with our families the same amount of time nd just desprate, we ended up sitting in the parking lot of our job nd just talking for a while. i miss her a lot

three, the old host came out of dormancy after 4 years. i think he made a post or two on here already but that just rlly was a lot for me? bc originally he was host but then i formed like. fully? i existed but i called myself jimmy as well bc i didnt have a name for myself yet. once i chose the bodys name i kinda started fronting more solidly nd finally was host, nd jimmy still fronted but he was spiteful nd angry that i was taking over his life. i do regret that nd i regret pushing down this stuff nd denying him nd everyone else existed. hes doing alright for now, he doesnt front as often but hes active again.

four, i split abt two weeks ago. im still not 100% on if thats true, or if she was just dormant, but theres a new part whos very. how do i put this. thing emo girl in middle school but shes in high school. shes nice though, which is cool. but she deals with missing people frm where she says shes from? i dont believe shes a fictive or factive at all, she just seems very confused as to whos life she basically got dropped into since shes a cis girl. i can communicate with her pretty well surprisingly? cecile says thats bc she split frm me which ig makes sense but yknow. just weird

five, after consideration, once quarantine is over nd my job opens up again nd i can work, im going to save up for as long as i need to nd hopefully ill be able to pay for my first car nd save up for rent. the friend i mentioned earlier said she wouldnt mind rooming with me nd one of my supervisors, nd i was thinking abt asking my close friend abt if he would be interested in splitting rent. he wants to get out of his house, he just needs to find a job once quarantine is up nd i think he can do that

oh yeah finally thing thats rlly nice actually...i have a boyfriend now! im not gonna talk abt him in specifics, but hes a system host as well nd i love him dearly, nd he loves me just the same nd its very. refreshing frm all my past relationships so im cherishing him a lot ahhh. ill probably give him a code name of some kind if i feel like it.

alright so yeah, thats a bit of catchup for yall. also i know theres asks in my inbox, but i havent had the energy to answer them. know that i saw them nd ill get to them eventually. some i may delete if im uncomfortable though.

edit: oh yeah, with ceciles approval finally, we have a system journal of sorts. i only wrote in it once, nd apparently the new split off part did too, but ive been very. nervous to read it. idk what she said

- lee

[jetrafied]

What would you have done to make season 5 better? Like what plots would you change? What characters/character development would you change? That kinda stuff

Sorry for taking so long to answer this, but anyway. Okay, this is a rough idea of what I’d prefer and some of this is just stuff I didn’t like.

1. Bringing Michael back-- If they brought back Michael to have him bond with Jane’s family again, especially Mateo, that would’ve been good. Even if Michael and Jane didn’t get back together and they mutually agree they’ve moved on, that would’ve been fine. And Rafael being perfectly fine with Jane becoming friends with her estranged husband. Instead, we got Michael being completely cut off from Jane’s family, save for the scene where he, as Jason, talks to the Villanueva-de la Vegas and Rogelio tries to get him to remember that they were brogelios. But that was it. After he became Jason-Michael it was ONLY about his relationship with Jane and he wasn’t allowed to interact with anyone else. Mateo flat out told him that he hated Michael, the man who was his step-father once upon a time, the man who loved Mateo like his own son. And they never fixed that, they never let Mateo and Michael reconnect. Michael’s presence was framed as some scary thing, that Mateo had every right to hate him. How messed up is that? Michael was kidnapped, tortured until he lost his memory, and dumped in Montana so he could start a completely new life, then was suddenly brought back into this old life he didn’t know anymore, and when he finally got his memory back, his wife and her family wanted little to do with him. Well, Jane did try and appear to be in love with him again but then lol nah. I didn’t even really want Jane and Michael back together, I did agree that too much had happened between them HOWEVER the writing didn’t do a good job of actually showing that. They TOLD us that Jane was feeling one way, but in the Montana episode, I didn’t see that.

When Michael does come back to Miami, he comes back just to show that he knocked up someone that used to hate him and now they’re in love, and he still isn’t allowed to interact with anyone else.

2. Rafael’s insecurity-- We know Rafael is insecure, this isn’t the first time this has been shown, so wouldn’t it make sense to use Michael’s return to help Raf get over his insecurity? Or........ nah. Anytime Raf is insecure about Michael, it’s Jane’s job to get him through that, it’s her job to tell him he isn’t a second choice and blah blah blah. She even apologizes to him, for being unsure about her feelings for her husband. It’s also Jane’s fault that Raf became depressed or whatever it was they were trying to imply.

So, really, the only thing I really wanted from this was for Rafael to grow past his insecurity. The only evidence of that is in the second to last episode when Michael was coming back and Rafael was suddenly cool with it. This man threw a fit if Michael’s name was even mentioned, and you expect me to believe he’s good now? It’s only because Jane had to reassure him constantly. Raf should’ve learned how to get over it on his own but instead Jane had to tell him over and over that she only loved him.

3. Jane’s character development-- Honestly, I don’t think Jane had any. Nor did she need any, in my opinion. I don’t know what Jennie was trying to say about Jane throughout the show, but think I think Jennie felt Jane was too uptight or... something. Which isn’t true. Jane isn’t and we’ve seen that she isn’t. Jane’s Catholic and that’s a big part of her, but that doesn’t mean that she’s repressed. Yes, the way Alba told Jane about sex and her virginity really messed Jane up, but that’s on Alba. That doesn’t mean Jane wanting to wait is a bad thing and it doesn’t make Jane naive. She writes smut, she isn’t naive.

But Jane’s whole arc is about Jane letting go which isn’t inherently bad but there’s just this way that the writers framed it, that the things that made Jane, Jane, were bad. Jane was/is judgey and I think that’s valid. Some people are judgey. Yes, she could be a little bit of a jerk about it sometimes, but a lot of the time she was right. Everyone she knows jumping on her for voicing a (probably right) opinion, or even thinking an opinion, says more about them than her.

As for Season 5, the area they should’ve let Jane grow was her not letting men revolve around her life. They even had Petra tell her to get over it and just live her life and not wait around for a man to take her back. And Petra sounded right but then... it turned out that was not what Jane wanted at all and took Rafael back the moment he had decided he loved her again. Jane hadn’t grown at all and in my opinion, had regressed. If it were me and I HAD to still make Jafael endgame, I would’ve let Jane get that apartment, let her write her book, learn that being in a relationship and being alone are equally fine, and then over time she and Rafael drift back together, maybe two or three years down the road. Of course that would mean a couple more seasons, which JtV didn’t have so them choosing to have this breakup in the last season is the dumbest fucking thing.

4. Petramos-- If I’m being honest, the moment they had Petra gaslight JR in season 4, I was kinda out. I loved Petramos, but once it was revealed that Petra was lying, then had her yell at JR multiple times, it was hard for me to jump back in. They were cute for a period of time, but they shouldn’t have gotten back together when they did. I get they had restraints with Rosario’s schedule, but they handled it poorly.

I think I would’ve had them talk to each other for the first few episodes of Season 5, just put it all out there, have Petra apologize, let JR actually communicate her feelings. Just have them really open up to each other, because I know they can do that. But then not have them get back together. Just let them heal platonically. Then JR can either move because of her job bc she needs some space, similar to what actually happened just without the second breakup, or she doesn’t move, but maybe takes time to spend time with her mother because she knows her mother doesn’t have much time left. Petra is upset, of course, but she gets it and she takes time to heal too. Then JR comes back in the finale. I didn’t like how it was actually done because I think too much had happened between them and they weren’t allowed to really talk about it and JR’s break-up with Petra felt so final that I can’t imagine Petra just being like, okay.

5. Xiomara-- Let her dance and/or sing, damn. Nursing is a great field, no doubt, but Xo has never showed interest in that and she was put through Cancer just to give up on her dreams. Why was she constantly punished for doing something she loved? Jane was allowed to write as a career and was even offered $500,000 for a romance novel, but Xo can’t do what she’s dreamed about doing since she was a child?

6. Ro and River-- Nothing against Brooke Shields, but JtV wasted their budget on focusing on her character too much. They could’ve had the telenovela stuff without having another rehashing of Rogelio feuding with every one of his costars. Even worse was River falling in love with Ro, that served no purpose. They could’ve done what they did with River, but like half the amount of time.

7. Rafael’s adoption-- I know people have said that his adoption corrects that Justin was white playing an ambiguously latinx character, but was Rafael ever supposed to be latinx? Elena (his mother) was Italian, and I don’t even know what Emilio was supposed to be. I’ve said I’ve forgotten a lot so maybe they said that Emilio was latinx, but idk. In an early episode Alba assumes Rafael doesn’t speak Spanish and is surprised that he does, so is it more than he’s rich so she assumes that HE assumes that he’s too good to speak Spanish, or he isn’t latinx so that’s why he doesn’t speak Spanish.

Outside of that, the adoption story line only says that Rafael isn’t biologically related to Emilio or Elena, who are shady people (or at least Elena is) so he’s okay. But what does that say about Petra, who is related to Magda and Anezka, also shady people? Also, Rafael was raised by Emilio, despite not being blood related so Rafael could still turn out like Emilio. Just because Raf’s blood parents were a sweet little Italian family doesn’t mean he’s anything like them. He didn’t know them.

It’s just weird to look at adoption vs birth parents like that. It’s an argument for nurture vs nature, but they never bring it up. Rafael learns that his parents were bakers, were not connected to crime, and died in a normal way, so he’s okay. I guess blood is more powerful than who raised him. Good luck to him and Jane trying to adopt if that’s how they see adoption.

8. Jorge-- Fuck that dude

9. Jetra-- If everything was completely up to me they would’ve been endgame lol

I have so much more to talk about it but there’s just too much. If anyone has specific questions for me, go for it.

[wiredandrewired]

Was trying to actually work on something but my brain is stuck on loop.  So instead I’m gonna make a post of the Voltron stuff sitting unposted in my writing WIP folder to help me organize my thoughts.

I guess since I’m posting this, if you have anything you wanna say/ask about any of these feel free.  I respond well to outside interest.

1. Project ReVolt is without a doubt the project I’ve posted about the most here.  And talked about in random tags.  And tangents.  Originally it was just the name the project had in my internal brain filing cabinet but it’s kind of spread and stuck to where my wife and I just refer to it as that when we talk about it.

ReVolt is basically going to be a VLD series rewrite more along the lines of how my wife and I would have done it or at least liked to see it done.  In some places it will probably stick pretty damn close to the events of the series canon, but in others go completely off the deep end.  We’re each going to be doing one, so a lot of the headcanon and worldbuilding and such that we’ve worked out together in various other stories and RPs will be consistent between the two stories, but it will also give us a place to veer out and do things without the others’ input (as we’re not gonna let each other see our fics until they post, tee hee).  I’ve done a SHITPOT of rules and infrastructure work using actual alchemy tracts to try and make sense of the series’ largely Powers As The Plot Demands system,  and am pretty convinced I’m going to A)fall hard into my very common Esoterica Ranting Mode pitfall and B)enrage literally everyone who reads it with my character and plot choices.  Most conservative estimate says this will be six ‘books’ long as again, we’re doing literally the entire series.  Current status: at the ‘ridiculously large amount of notes and setting up actual arcs and outlines’ stage, and waiting for the wife to finish ‘Happier HOPEless’.

2. There Are No Monsters Here is a fic I really want to do but cannot seem to get off the ground, set to take place entirely in the ‘last universe’ from season 8--the one native-Honerva died in and crazed-death-god-Honerva picked out as her ideal and tried to wedge herself into.  I guess the basic idea was that, like the ‘main’ universe, it got rebuilt pretty much as it was prior to Nightmare Mom Ruining Everything, and I have it with no one fully remembering the events of season 8 that took place there, but characters really closely tied to those events having some itching feeling that something happened, and all the Altean alchemists agreeing that some kind of massive quantum Event certainly occurred even if they don’t know what.  

Mostly the story exists as  a place for me to have a canon-compliant AU that still lets me explore stuff like Altean history, the racial and cultural tensions of the Coalition, dink around with Oldadins that DON’T die in one fell swoop, a living Daibazaal and Altea, Lotor growing up with a decent-but-not-without-strains relationship with his dad, teen Allura and tiny Lotor being absolute shits to each other while also coming to terms as they grow up with who and what they MUST be both on a political and quantum scale, and generally prove that even a perfect universe isn’t, all in one place.  The title is entirely facetious, and anyone who’s read any of my alien culture headcanons for this series knows that.  Lol.  Current status: lots of bits and pieces, but no good beginning or connective tissue.   I have a lot of notes, some arc outlines, and a few scattered scenes and bits of dialogue from later in the story, but my god, I CANNOT get it off the ground.

3. Someone Must Get Hurt (But It Won’t Be Me) is supposed to be a pretty wholly Honerva-centric fic that starts...sometime in her youth?...and carries forward to an as-yet-undetermined point.  Probably her death.  I mean the first one.  I’m not sure.  Another chance to dig my fingers into Altean culture and Alchemy, this time leading up to All The Bad Shit That Happened, with the added bonus of being done from a focal point of a character I have a lot of really strong feelings about both positive and negative that’s resulted in me somehow being EVEN MORE wrapped up in her than I was before I added abject knee-jerk trauma hatred to the mix.  In no way meant to make Honerva more sympathetic, I think I just want to write her even more like my mother so I’ll feel EVEN BETTER about killing her?  Idk man my feelings about her are so complicated.  Also an excuse to write a shitpot of her and Zarkon because listen, I’m really glad they’re married because I ship them so fuckin hard.   Current Status: SO many notes.  SO much infrastructure.  Like three pages of an opening I’m almost definitely throwing away because I can’t decide where, when, or how to open but feel like this isn’t it.  One short but very telling scene of Honey and Zarkon from late in the story.  I’m obsessed with it but I can’t get anywhere. 

4. Currently Untitled Demon Hunter AU started because my wife talks to me about Happier HOPEless a LOT and I just got an itch in my bones to work on one myself.  In spite of the entire Demon Hunter AU thing getting started by a prompt on a Shance blog, neither Shiro nor Lance are set to appear for at least a chapter?  And I am not confident in my ability to not veer off into utter non-shipping anyway because man, am I bad at it.  Or like...just an entirely different ship for either or both of them.  Current Status: A lot of vague notes, a POWERFUL urge to structure the chapters and overall arc after Ripley’s Gates even though that limits my chapter count and means I will DEFINITELY have 20k+ word chapters, and about seven pages of the first chapter so I guess I’m committed now?

5. Currently Untitled Post Series Fic basically exists for me to vent my frustrations about two main things: The Universe is Fucking Huge And There Are Dangers Other Than Galra, and The Galra Empire Was Huge and Is Not Going To All Fall In Line Behind Voltron Coalition and Especially Behind Keith Who Just Arbitrarily Fucking Decided To Tell Them They Couldn't Pick A New Leader According To Their Own Traditions And Need To Do What They’re Told Now What The Fuck.  Also there was a lot of stuff in the series that got left hanging, and while ReVolt is an IN-series fix-it fic, I wanted something that patched up loose ends in a way that was satisfactory to me but also kind of canon-compliant.  Current Status: A lot of notes and screaming.  No one has seen my progress on this and they might never.

6. Dog Runs And Death Dreams is a warmup file turned deeply self-indulgent series of scenes in which I choose to assume that Shiro’s rare neuromuscular disorder was left so ambiguous so I could plug the symptoms of mine into it.  It’s genuinely not any deeper than that.  The whole thing is set pre-Kerberos, and includes copious Shiro x Adam content because of it, but also not the kind that makes me feel good about writing because that means it includes the ‘slow fizzle’ that leads up to their breakup before the mission.  Ugh.  Working on it does make me feel better when I've been having symptoms, though, and I’ve been letting myself write it, unchastised, in a really loose rambly way that I usually deride myself for.  It’s just cathartic.  Current Status: no notes, no plan, just strain-writing between seizures, but somehow it feels like it has some kind of structure and just keeps growing?  Possibly too close to the bone for me to ever post.

7. Birth and Rebirth was born out of two things: the fact that Zarkon is shown to have two ENTIRELY DIFFERENT reactions to first being presented with his baby son in different flashbacks and different seasons, and the fact that in spite of the flashbacks we get at the end of the series, earlier on, the impression I got of Lotor and Zarkon’s relationship wasn’t of a young man who had never had affection from his father, but who had instead lost it.  Well, three things: I have a lot of underlying issues at work, at play, and at large when it comes to the Galra Imperial Family.  Also, anyone notice the monitor blips in the first baby Lotor flashbacks indicate a heart murmur?  Anyway, it was supposed to be a thoroughly self-indulgent and thoroughly self-hurtful examination of Lotor’s early life and the death by degrees of what was left of his father in the husk Rift Adventures left behind, but I got stuck on it a little way in.   Current Progress: ten pages, a lot of notes, and some wistfulness.  I keep hoping I’ll get inspired to pick it back up again.  Contemplating rewriting some of the beginning, maybe it’ll help?

Bonus entry that is not actually in any form of progress soever:

50/50 Voltron Trashfire Edition is spawned from the ‘50/50′ challenge on an old TF board I used to haunt.  It’s a fifty-prompt smut challenge using the list of ‘50 reasons to have sex’ from some tv show, and the idea is to write a different ship for every prompt (hence the name).  My wife is blazing through it and has several (like twelve?) up on her AO3, but I’ll be utterly blunt: I haven’t written fifty porn fics in my LIFE.  Over ALL my fandoms.  Current Status: Literally all I have done is assign a ship to each prompt, and I might actually have some prompts with just question marks beside them still.  I have one aborted start to one entry.  That’s it.  It’s not happening.  But the empty file is technically in the folder, SO.

[isshinene]

You know for your one shot ask meme thingy for #16 "Maybe you didn't love me after all"... you said that it's based off of a angst fic idea that you had. Can I ask what it is? You got me hooked but you said you're not going finish the story!!!

AH… Hi, anon! Yeah… that story… I am probably not going to finish it, it’s just too hard for me to do. But the story was supposed to be called “A Flower’s Letter”. I have the first chapter published here. The title is from the Ilijimae OST.

As you will see below, I had like THE ENTIRE THING PLANNED OUT! ugh… I even had like chapter titles and all. Idk what I’m more sad over, the plot or the fact that I did all that work and like gave up on it.

I’m gonna put a “read more” bar thingy here because I’m just gonna vomit my basic plot line below lol. I’ll let you read it and imagine the stuff in your head (you don’t need my terrible writing ya? XD)

Chapter 1: My Letter to You, First of Many

Basically, a letter to Satoshi from Nene, explaining her hesitance to talk to him again. It hints to some past stuff and that they don’t keep in touch anymore. Nene says that she doesn’t want to feel that bitterness anymore and just wants to see him again. (happens after ch.5)

Chapter 2: Blossoming Love

Some lemony action taking place here. Nene tells him that she loves him which really catches Satoshi off guard because she doesn’t say it often. The two are engaged and happy, but Satoshi is suddenly called by his parents to Kyoto for a meeting.

Chapter 3: Scattered Petals

Isshiki goes back to Kyoto and his family is trying to set him up in another arranged marriage. They’ve been doing it for the past two years and he sort of just played along with it. His family gets upset when he ruins another matchmaking date. He tells his family that he doesn’t want them dictating his life and finally informs them that he is actually already engaged to Nene, telling them to stop.

His father is surprised that he has intentions of marrying a Kinokuni. Satoshi doesn’t understand why his family won’t approve since Nene is basically an ideal wife for his family. His parents state that although the clans are friendly, it’ll become a power struggle if they try to merge the two families. There’s a reason they stayed in the east and that the Isshiki’s stayed in the west.

They tell him that if he marries her, he will be kicked out of the clan.

Chapter 4: Grasping at Thorns pt. 1

He returns. Nene finds out about what happened in Kyoto (idk how she did, I didn’t think that out). She also finds out about the fact that his parents were trying to set him up with other women for two years behind her back. He tells her that he was just playing along, trying to not cause conflict with his parents. She asks him why he did say anything and he says he didn’t think it was a big deal.

Nene asks what they think of their engagement and Satoshi tells her that they don’t approve to her surprise. He also tells her that he didn’t answer his fathers question whether he would choose Nene or the family. Nene gets upset because he didn’t choose her, but he argues that he may not get along with them, but he still cares about his family. He gets sort of mad at her because he thinks she is being selfish.

“Was there ever a moment where you considered going along with your parent’s wishes” to which he doesn’t respond. She storms out of the apartment.

Chapter 5:  Grasping at Thorns pt. 2

(ok I didn’t think this chapter out very well yet so it’s rough) Nene goes to like a restaurant or something to calm down. She orders like a normal soft drink but it gets spiked by the waitress. A mysterious guy tries to talk to her at the counter, asking her if she is alright since it looks like her eyes are a bit swollen.

The next day, Nene wakes up, alone and naked in a hotel room. She can’t remember anything and she starts to panic as she gets dress and leaves the hotel to go to work. She sees her phone is full of messages from Isshiki but she ignore them still trying to figure out what happened. When she returns back to the apartment, Isshiki is worried sick about her. He asks where she was the night before and she lies saying that she was at a friends house. They both apologize and reconcile.

A couple of weeks later, they both are asked to go back to Kyoto. Isshiki thinks that his family has finally come around to accepting their engagement and decides to go. But actually, they confront the couple about pictures they received of Nene at a hotel sleeping with another guy. They both are shocked. His father tells Satoshi to break it off with her immediately.

Satoshi comes to her defense at first though. He asks her if she lied to him about where she was that night. She admits that she did and that she did wake up in a hotel but she tells him that she couldn’t remember anything. She swears though that she didn’t have sex with the guy. The family claims that the pictures say otherwise but Nene still refuses.

Satoshi talks alone with his father. Says that he should break it off before it hurts the entire family.  Isshiki says that he still trusts Nene and that he knows she would never do something like that.  His father gets angry, saying he is still willing to defend this girl when she obviously cheated on him. Isshiki hotly defends her, saying maybe someone set her up. The waitress said she was talking with the guy at the bar, that they left together. The receptionist says they did get a room together. The pictures show the evidence for themselves. His father says that if they have access to the pictures, then others will as well. If they leak, not only will he be hurt, but Nene’s entire family as well.

His father makes a deal with Satoshi: end things with her and he will try to stop the photos from getting out.

From here it’s basically the one-shot

Chapter 6: Withering

It’s a year later, and guess what… Nene’s been really ill for a while. When she starts to get treatment, that’s when she starts to write letters to him. (aka Ch.1) She asks him multiple times to come and see her.

(In the form of a letter) She asks him if he has been reading her letters. Talks about her small shokugeki with the hospital chef. Tells him that the treatments weren’t working and that they just make her feel sicker. She’s considering getting off treatment. She says it’s not her giving up, but rather she just wants to live her life the way she wants. She’s scared, but she is trying to come to terms with it all. Nene leaves him a visitation card if he ever decides to come and see her.

Time skip another year and a half, Nene actually goes to Kyoto to go an see him. She’s been off of treatment for a while. She enters the restaurant kitchen and seeks him out. He is surprised to see her, but he is still hurt by what happened. He pulls her to the back room for a private conversation.

“Satoshi…”

“It’s Isshiki, call me Isshiki please.”

She asks him how he is. He asks her why she is there. Nene is kind of in a lost for words to see him again. He tells her he’s busy and has a lot of order to fulfill but she asks him to wait because she wants to talk about what happened.  He tells her it’s pointless, he is over her and doesn’t feel the say way anymore (he obviously lies). He says it was nice seeing her again, but it’s for the best if they don’t meet again.

She’s hurt but she conceals it, understanding that he is probably still hurt about what happened. She also realizes that he doesn’t know that she’s sick. She realizes it’s probably for the better if he doesn’t know. She smiles at him, trying her best to hide her tears. Nene tells him it made her really happy to see him again.

He is taken aback by her emotions and watches her leave. He can’t help but sense something is up with her. Something in him tells him to go after her. He sees her walk away, wiping some tears. His heart constricts seeing her tearful face.

“Wait, Nene—”

But he’s stopped by his father.

Chapter 7: Fallen, Carried by Gentle Winds

It’s 8 months later (3 years since breakup). Isshiki overhears his parents and younger brother talking about how some guy they hired wants more money. He becomes suspicious and finds out that his family was the one that staged everything for their break up. Of course, he becomes enraged when he hears this, absolutely heartbroken over the fact that he left Nene and didn’t trust her but also for the fact that his own family would do that for him.

“It was for your future!”

“She was my future!”

He leaves the house, saying he wants nothing to do with them anymore. He tries to call Nene’s phone but she doesn’t pick up. Finally, he goes to Tokyo and tries to talk with her family but is immediately refused at the door. No one seems to know how to contact Nene.

The last person he tries to get in touch with is Rindou. Even she isn’t too receiving of him though. Satoshi thinks it’s because of how he treated Nene. He begs her to let him meet with her and Rindou finally agrees.

“Come with me, I’ll show you where she is.”

She takes him to Nene’s grave. He’s in shock— in disbelief. Rindou tells him that Nene died 4 months ago. Her family tried to keep the whole ordeal as quiet as possible. Really only her family knows. He breaks down, not believing she’s gone.

Flashback: 

Rindou: He isn’t coming, Nene! Just tell him what’s happening if you want to see him so badly! I’ll do it for you, I can call him!

Nene: Rindou-senpai! Please, don’t.

Rindou: Why?! Nene you don’t have much ti—

Nene: Rindou-senpai, I know. Don’t worry.

Rindou: Nene, don’t you want him to come?

Nene: Yes. But I want him to come on his own accord when he is ready. The last thing he needs to feel for me is pity on top of his hatred.

Rindou: What if he is never ready? What will you do then?

Nene: Then he can forget. That might be better than forgiving in the long run, don’t you think?

_____end of flashback_______

Rindou: I understand you were upset over what happened but was it so hard to just send one letter? Why didn’t you ever reply? Give her a call? Something! She was waiting for you!

Isshiki: Letters? What letters?

Rindou: She sent you letters almost every week for two years but you never returned any of them.

Isshiki: Wait, I never got any letters. What are you talking about?

He storms back into the house late at night, clearly very livid. He furiously asks what they did with her letters. His mother tries to calm him down but he keeps repeating the question. His father says that he threw them away when they arrived causing Satoshi to sort of lose tension (like he lost everything). He tells his family that she died. “She told me she was in the hospital! That she was dying! Why couldn’t you have let me be by her side when she wanted me there? Was keeping me here that important to you? Why did you throw away those letters… why…”

“You’re all monsters. But I’m the worst.”

His brother catches him before he leaves, and shows him a box with all the letters he managed to save. He couldn’t forgive himself for keeping the secret from Satoshi but since he is engaged now, he understands what it’s like to love someone. The only reason he helped was that if Satoshi wasn’t the heir, the responsibility would fall on him and he couldn’t bear it.

Isshiki goes to his room and begins to read all the letters. He cries when he gets to the last one, requesting him to come to the hospital one final time. His mother tries to come in, telling him to eat something.

“She died believing I hated her, but that was never true to begin with. Why was I so terrible to her, mother? I didn’t even get to tell her I still love her.”

Chapter 8: A Flower’s Final Letter

He received a call from Nene’s mother to come over. When he arrives, he notices that she is much more receiving than last time. She tells him that his mother personally came over earlier and explained everything they did.

“That doesn’t excuse how badly I treated your daughter. I never deserved her to begin with.”

Her mom lets him see her family alter. He chokes back tears when he sees a picture of her genuine smile.

“Satoshi-kun, you did deserve Nene, and she deserved you as well. I could tell how much you two really loved each other. But it was the world that didn’t deserve the both of you together.”

She hands him Nene’s actual last letter that was never sent.

Nene’s last letter: She comments on how he remained stupid until the very end, but says that it’s alright since Isshiki wouldn’t be Isshiki if he wasn’t just a little bit of an idiot.

She says that she doesn’t resent him at all or even hold an ounce of hatred towards him. Regardless of how he feels towards her, she knows that her passing isn’t going to be easy to take. She knows he’ll regret things.

She confesses that she knew he was lying when she can to the restaurant. That he was acting tough. She’s sorry that she didn’t try harder to resolve things but she didn’t want to push it. Nene tells him it’s okay to mourn, but she doesn’t want him to get caught up on her; she wants him to move forward. She asks him to not regret their time together, including the good and bad.

Dying isn’t something she’s afraid of anymore, but she is worried about her family. She asks him to visit them every once in a while to make sure they are doing well.

Her heart becomes full when she thinks about him, so she wants him to feel the same whenever he thinks about her.

“Thank you for sincerely loving me, and for letting me love you in return. I truly have no regrets, because I know that in one moment in time, we were happy together and that’s all I need.

Maybe I do have one regret though. I’m sorry I rarely ever told you how I felt. So let me tell you here.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you, Satoshi.

Don’t think of this as a goodbye forever. Just a goodbye for now. And if the time is right, let us meet again.”

- Nene

[obscurelocalstranger]

It's 4 am nearly 5 am forbidden thoughts therapy time.

So I have realized a thing. Idk why precisely I do it but I do this thing where, especially when I'm anxious or whatever, I like unintentionally say exactly too much about something? Like idk, specifically saying the wrong thing to a friend and then feeling worse about the thing and it's just a spiral of sorry I didn't mean to be a shitty friend. And I think maybe I do it like as that imposter syndrome anxiety thing, like the "hello pls notice that I am garbage and go away because I don't deserve friends" absolutely awful brain voice. Which is dumb rly b/c like obvs I don't want to not have friends.

I think too there's like for sure some kind of idk whatever atypicality brain thing where it's like also being overly honest. Like let me tell you this truth (or thing I think is true about me) and then see where we are and historically that has gone poorly. Like not on a level of fear of submission to being known thing, more like, just because a thing is true doesn't mean it's appropriate to ever say even if u think ur good enough friends with someone or like you try to say it like you're just talking but thinking about it, even sometimes immediately after the fact there's no way to make it not sound like ur just being shitty?

I'll give you an example. Like one year in college I roomed with 3 other girls and we were pretty close. I was closer with the suite mates than my actual roommate tho, right? So the three of us would hang out and my roommate would like idk go do whatever it is she did. Now at the time, I didn't know I was queer right, but like one of the suitemates and I fell into like a real easy friendship (I'd known her for 2 yrs previous but we weren't bffs or anything) and even other people were like "lol y'all are so married" and we kinda were? Like we made dinner together a couple times a week (she would call me at work like "I'm making x for dinner okay") and shared chores and sat around watching movies and just friend/roommate stuff rly but idk. It was nice. As an ace it was like idk 85% of what I would want in a relationship even tho I didn't think about it that way at the time. It was that queer friendship limbo thing or whatever that one post was saying. Like except she got engaged to a dude uh right after that and idk if she would call herself queer in any sense. But anyway, I'm rambling.

So we were having a rly nice comfortable time and this was before like my whole family started dying off so I didn't have all the weird grief depression but I was still an anxious bean and idk what prompted the convo but she says to me one day something about how we were friends from like the first day of college and I said yeah and she mentioned idk something and I jokingly? But like it was true but I didn't mean to hurt her feelings I don't think? Said like "well I'll be real I thought it was a little weird you would wait outside my dorm sometimes when I wasn't home" which like that is genuinely a weird thing she did, but it's also completely not a thing you say to someone. Idk. But yeah it's like I get to feeling safe and then I say some too far truth thing and it fucks up whatever the friendship was. Because honestly after that it went downhill and she just like distanced herself from me a lot which was awkward but like didn't flat out say anything and like I was still trying to be friends because I didn't entirely think I had done something wrong? I guess? Idk what I thought tbh but we were supposed to room together the next year and it got closer and closer to sign ups and she like kept ignoring me and then finally sent me a text saying she had found other roommates. Like we still lived together and she essentially sent me a breakup text! Like that's wild! I still can't believe that happened.

So yeah idk just thinking about that. Like idk how to not do those things. Like I have caught myself in the middle of doing it and still done it. Idk if social self harm is a thing but maybe it's like that. Like it's obvs not the same as physical harm (I've never felt the need to do that outside of like extreme nail biting which sounds like nothing but it's for sure like gotta be somewhere in that wheelhouse) and I don't mean that it is the same, I just meant like as far as where the mentality of it is coming from. Like there's the endorphins or high or whatever from the being honest on a thing but then like all the pain or regret or potential loss or dread of outcome to follow depending on how it gets taken. Maybe it's more a depression response than anxiety come to think of it. Or some weird combo. Idk man I'm just out here self analyzing with absolutely no background to know what I'm saying.

This is one of those "I am putting this out into the world so it's not just in my head" posts. Bless u if u read this, hope it wasn't triggering, let me know if I need to tag something

[lightsandlostbells]

Skam France episode 9 (S1 finale) reaction

Thanks to everyone who reads these things! I’ve gotten a lot of nice messages and comments since I started blathering my thoughts on Skam remakes into the void, which I didn’t expect, and it makes my day. Even if you don’t agree with me on something, I appreciate hearing your thoughts. I love talking about sad teens and their drama and it has been a grand time talking about sad teens and their drama with others! 

Also thank you to everyone who translates or helps increase accessibility to any of the Skam shows, I am truly amazed by the kindness and generosity of everyone who donates their free time to it. 

Episode 9

Clip 1 - Daphne peed on the wrong stick

Nice job getting in that shot of the condoms and water bottle at the beginning as if to say “I fucking told you so.”

There were apparently several real time errors in this clip in that French students should not have been at school that day, and Daphne mentions having gum at 10 am when the clip dropped at 8 a.m.

This doctor does not quite have the same quality of being from another planet as Dr. Skrulle.

Alex screaming to the heavens about no baby is glorious, but on the other hand, GIRL, you might wanna lower the volume about your friend’s pregnancy scare as people are clearly hearing you.

I love Daphne and think she did a really great job here of being bitter and resigned. I think Vilde was also great in this moment, but I think she was approaching it more from an outwardly (phony) sense of self-assurance. You don’t know want what you’re talking about Noora, I do. And though Vilde is pretty stunned by the doctor’s visit (and tbh I think part of her wanted the baby to be real … but that’s another conversation) you can see her starting to laugh and smile with the other girls before Noora pulls her aside. Then it feels more like cheerful denial that there’s anything wrong with what she’s doing. Daphne seems straight up miserable and defeated.

Clip 2 - Charles creeping again

MY BELOVED THEATER KIDS RETURN. One day they will get their day in the sun. One day. 

TBH Charles has more sleazy charm than William and I can’t determine whether that’ll end up being a good thing or a bad thing.

This clip is WAY better placed than the original, actually! It always seemed off that Noora would be taken in by William telling her she’s beautiful when she still thinks he’s knocked up Vilde. Now that they’ve determined this isn’t the case, it makes slightly more sense. At least that consideration is out of the way.

The only drawback about having the doctor clip before this clip is that it occurs to me that Noora’s conversation with Vilde is likely what prompts Noora tell William to apologize, since Vilde has internalized his words so much to the point of repeating them, and I find it harder to believe that Manon would give a single shit about Charles’ flattery after she’s heard how bad his words made it for Daphne.

Lmao at fucking Charles being like “What are you doing here?” and Manon being like “I go to school here, dipshit”*

* (100% accurate translation)

Wait, this is the same song for the Emma/Yann scene. Is this going to be a Skam France love theme? Will French Even sing it to Lucas?

My favorite thing Emma has done all season was the ensuing text conversation after this clip where she just replies to everything Manon says with “Fuck, you’re so beautiful.”

Clip 3-  Emma and Lucas on the steps

The setup of this scene satisfies one of my burning questions, in that I always wondered what the vibe was between Eva and Isak as they walked over the the bench (awkward) and here Lucas joins Emma on the steps so I don’t have to wonder about their weird small talk or painful silence.

This is the first time where I bought Lucas’ acting. He’s still not exactly wowing me, but I thought he was fine here. Maybe he just needs that very large scarf to hide in to make him seem all vulnerable.

“You smoked at the cabin?” Emma, didn’t you literally see them smoking??

Wait, Tom was supposed to be Ingrid‘s brother? That’s what it sounds like, because why else would Yann contact Ingrid if he couldn’t get through to Tom, if Tom is just some unrelated dude who has weed? I thought her brother was some other guy because Elias was not Norwegian Ingrid‘s brother.  Surely Emma would know Tom as a result of being Ingrid‘s best friend for years, but I don’t think either of them said anything about that, unless I missed it or can’t remember it. At the cabin I didn’t get the vibe they were anything more than acquaintances via Yann. And if Tom is Ingrid’s brother, then doesn’t it make more sense that Emma would hear Ingrid in the background on the phone, and it wouldn’t automatically be a cause for suspicion? It’s not weird for Yann to hang out with Tom.

I think Tom isn’t supposed to be Ingrid’s brother, but this line of dialogue is confusing, considering they changed it from Yann not being able to reach Ingrid’s brother to not being able to reach Tom. It doesn’t make sense to get Ingrid to get in touch with Tom; the chain should go Tom -> Ingrid’s brother (who also has weed) -> Ingrid.

They changed a bit from where Isak owned up to being shady when Eva asked him about hearing Ingrid‘s voice over the phone, he implied that he kind of suspected it wasn’t anything serious and figured it had to do with the drugs, and he acknowledges that he could’ve told Eva this, and he gave her bad advice to ask Ingrid about it. Lucas says he swears he didn’t know, which is kind of funny because IMO, Lucas seems way sneakier and more plotting in that scene than Isak did.

I do appreciate changes to the material but since they’re keeping most of it the same, I wish that they left in the line about karma being a bitch and Emma understanding how Ingrid would’ve felt, because I think that was a thematically relevant line. 

Aw, it was sweet to see how Yann smiled and seemed so happy when Emma called. It’s a shame I like him so much more away from this relationship. He seems so pumped for their meeting. I think Yann is a little needier than Jonas and it affects their relationship positive and negative ways, like I think maybe he’s a little more attentive than Jonas, but he also seems to get more threatened by potential obstacles to their the relationship.

Clip 4 - The Emma/Yann breakup

Yann is so sweet and charming here, like I get why Emma fell for him.

So the final bit of this clip worked pretty well for me! 

I said in another post that the three scenes they needed to nail were the skate park, Ingrid in the bathroom, and breakup scene, and while I didn’t think this was as powerful (mostly because the season-long buildup didn’t make it feel as earned) I still thought this was a strong scene, definitely the strongest of those three.  

I loved the sweet moment of Yann holding Emma on the steps and them smiling sweetly at each other, and that was an aesthetically appealing, tastefully done semi-sex scene, especially the shot with their hands. Although I did find myself wondering if they sat on the steps and then smiled at each other like “let’s go have breakup sex” or if they banged it out, put their clothes back on, and cuddled outside. TRUE TO THE ORIGINAL in that regard. 

More Seinabo Sey songs, love her.

Clip 5 - Ending party

The Emma/Yann hug is really sweet and makes me think the breakup is going to be less fraught, more amiable. which, IDK, it kinda feels like it should be more fraught considering these two are supposed to be very much in love? But it also makes me buy them airing season 2 so soon after S1’s finale, if Yann and Emma are going to be on more friendly terms.

Also the general atmosphere of the scene is more lighthearted. The music too, not as much of a serious tone.

Lucas was all right acting-wise in this scene, too. 

INGRID AND EMMA NEED TO HOOK UP. I can’t say I shipped it in OG Skam but here … they should get together.

Ingrid, Sara and Imane dancing together is great.

Also Ingrid is there when Daphne tells Imane and Alex about Charles, awwww.

I love Daphne. I know I’ve said that a million times but she’s the MVP of Skam France.

The shot of Lucas with Yann definitely did not have that immediate SO THAT’S WHY HE DID IT effect. Yo, Skam France, remember how some of us were like “You’re telegraphing Lucas’ crush on Yann too hard?” Well if ever there was a time to project that shit from an IMAX, THIS WAS THE MOMENT. 

Forreal, Lucas is paying about as much attention to Yann as to the other dude standing next to them. Where is that OTT longing gaze? 

You’re holding a drink, dude, you could give us a dose of innuendo by slurping on that straw while you make eyes at your bro.

But then again, I guess no moment can be as OTT as when you have “Gay Bar” as your musical accompaniment.

There is a major continuity error in the scene because the other guy that is in the scene with Lucas and Yann can be seen behind Manon immediately in the next shot, so either he has a twin who dresses exactly the same or he teleported.

As much as I love Isak’s love of BUTT as the final moment, closing the season on Manon and Charles is a perfectly logical choice for leading into S2. Although lol, the lyrics being like “I’m just waiting for my day to come” are very creepy, Charles. “Cause something inside has changed” is better, though.

General comments:

They should’ve ended this season with the girl squad’s party, dude. Doesn’t that seem like a fitting finale? If the object is to gain popularity at school, shouldn’t they do it as soon as possible so they gain some capital before the popular senior guys leave?

One benefit about airing the next season right after S1 instead of taking a few months is that I can at least buy that they could have the party at the end of season 2. The longer they draw it out, the less it makes sense.

Lucas was definitely panicking and trying to be overly nice in that text to Emma post-Camille’s party. Emma was keeping it cool and Lucas was like I HOPE ALL IS WELL AHAHA WE’RE SO FRIENDLY :D :D :D oh god don’t tell Yann

Right now, I don’t have many thoughts about the season as a whole that I haven’t said before. Emma’s character arc is somewhat muddled, certain plot developments and characterization don’t make sense, the show overuses music, the girl squad dynamic is one of the show’s better qualities, marry me Daphne, marry me Ingrid, etc etc.

My main takeaway is that, out of the three remakes that have aired so far, Skam France definitely has less of a personal identity than Druck or Skam Italia. Even with those shows being early into their first seasons, I can already tell they’re more distinct adaptations with more done to fit their respective cultures. That’s not to say either of those versions are perfect or that Skam France doesn’t have its own strengths, but I would very much like to see Skam France develop more of a unique personality. Not sure if they can do that until S3 since they’ve already filmed S2 and can’t incorporate viewer feedback. It depends on how much it is going to reflect original Skam’s S2; judging by the trailer, it feels like the answer is A Lot.

[eccacia]

wonderful you came by [part 16]

Summary: Caitlin’s a no-nonsense science major. Barry’s the quintessential charming star athlete. When they’re paired off and forced to interact in class, Caitlin’s determined to resist his charms, but Barry’s also pretty determined to get under her skin… It all boils down to a battle between head and heart, and Caitlin’s not one to give in to her heart so easily. [College AU]

Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, or read on ff.net

Rating: T

Notes: I know it’s been five months, but… Look! An update! Sorry I’ve been gone awhile. This chapter was tough, life’s been tough, being newly unemployed is tough, etc. etc. Anyway, I miss you all. This is more of a friendship chapter, since I want to wrap up all the loose ends and lay the groundwork for the last plot point. After this, I’m estimating we have 1-2 more chapters to go and then an epilogue (AAAAH! Can you believe it?!) so I hope you’ll stick around. :)

Some shout-outs: To Gaby, as always, for the encouragement, and in celebration of our three-year long friendship on this site. To @panalegs27, for the unwavering enthusiastic support and the messages that make me smile. To @purpleyin, who, to my great surprise and delight, left a review on all my stories and on every chapter in this fic (!!!). To Random Lurker, for leaving such a sweet review; it made my terrible day better. And, last but not the least, to Of Pencils and Penguins (formerly The Pickle System), who beta-read this chapter in a flash (pun fully intended)—he fixed all the pesky grammatical errors, cleaned up my dialogue, and pointed out the scenes that needed tweaking or rewriting. I can’t thank you enough. This chapter won’t be what it is without your help. :)

Disclaimer: Nope, I don’t own The Flash.

Barry parted ways with her outside of her dorm, and as she moved from the open, starry night to the closed, fluorescent-lit hallways of the building to her dark, unoccupied room, unease replaced the earlier sense of lightness she’d felt. She’d been harboring this sense of unease since her fight with Felicity yesterday, but her anxiety about the orals and about Barry had dominated such a large portion of her emotional landscape that this unease had receded into the background.

But now, faced with a Felicity-less room, which had been voided of the sounds of their easy companionship—the scrape of the wheels of her chair against the floor, the quick, light tapping of her fingers on her laptop, the rip of Swiss Miss packets at the end of a long day—Caitlin felt the unease return with a vengeance.

She slumped into her chair. How was it that she managed to push two people who were important to her away in the space of a week? For someone who’d always thought of herself as self-sufficient and fiercely independent, she was realizing how emotionally affected she could be when the relationships in her life went awry.

Well, at least she knew Felicity better than she did Barry. She knew, for instance, that her friend dealt with her hurt by avoiding its cause, and that while she was in this avoidance phase, it was best to give her space. But she also knew that approaching her first was already winning half the battle. So it boiled down to timing—intuiting when enough time had passed since the avoidance started, and intuiting when the best time was to approach her.

It was, she supposed, the same way Felicity would tiptoe around her when she was deep in work mode, hazarding guesses at the best time to disturb her. She had guessed wrong yesterday—had prodded her at the wrong time, in the wrong way—and much to her shame, she had exploded.

She grimaced. She could call Oliver right now to ask if he’d seen her, but she was already so tired. There’d been more emotions packed into this day than she’d had in her entire twenty-something years of existence, and even if some of those emotions were pleasant, she still felt incredibly drained.

Tomorrow, then, she thought, crawling into her bed. She’d apologize tomorrow.

The next day, Caitlin set about to look for her friend in all her usual haunts, but as expected, she couldn’t find her in any of them. She texted Cisco on the off-chance that he’d seen her, but he merely replied with, “? u can call her? and aren’t u roommates” and, a few seconds later, “OH wait r u fighting :( idk where she is bt i hope u make up soon”.

So she had no choice but to give Oliver a call, which, in the first place, had been the most logical thing to do.

…But also the most awkward, because she and Oliver weren’t exactly on calling terms. There was also the fact that she had been staunchly against them when Felicity had really started liking him. Sure, she’d been the one to dare her to talk to him, but she’d done it because she’d believed that her friend had more common sense than to fall for the shallowest rich boy on campus, and because she didn’t think that Felicity was Oliver’s type.

Needless to say, Felicity did not have as much common sense as she’d expected, and Oliver turned out to be decent under his party-boy exterior. While she was right in guessing that Felicity wasn’t his type, she hadn’t guessed that he’d fall for her anyway. He’d liked Felicity so much that, upon sensing Caitlin’s unspoken antagonism, sought to prove all her previous notions of him wrong—he cleaned up his act, stopped flirting with every leggy girl he came across, and stopped hanging out with the shadier cliques in the popular crowd—until she finally came to accept them together.

Still, that didn’t mean they would be besties, or that they’d take to each other the same way Felicity had taken to Digg and Barry and Tommy and the rest of Oliver’s friends. They were content to regard each other with civility.

Which brought her back to her current dilemma: She and Oliver were civil, but not on calling terms.

She sighed. Well, it wasn’t like she had much of a choice. They would have to be on calling terms now if they both cared about Felicity.

Having decided on her course of action, she sent him a short text to ask when he was free to take a call. His answer was immediate: “Now is good.” He picked up on the first ring.

“Hey. You’re looking for Felicity?” he said.

Well, if there was one thing Caitlin respected him for, it was his propensity for cutting right to the chase.

“Yes,” she said. “Did she stay over at your place?”

“Yeah,” he said. “But she left for class this morning, and she hasn’t been back yet. I thought she’d headed to the dorm.”

Caitlin frowned. “Well… she’s definitely not here.”

“Oh.” There was a pause. “She’s… been really down the past few days,” he ventured tentatively. “Said something about this being a replay of sophomore year, but didn’t go into the specifics.”

“Oh,” she said.

“Care to elaborate?” His tone was careful. “I mean, when my girlfriend and one of my best friends share a bottle of Smirnoff from my bar because of the same person, I feel like I deserve an explanation from the said person.”

Caitlin winced. “Can said person just buy you another bottle of Smirnoff instead?”

“Nice try,” he said wryly. “Spare me the details with Barry, I know way too much already. I just want to hear about the whole… sophomore year thing. If… that’s okay. She—she usually tells me everything, and I can’t—I don’t know how to talk to her if she doesn’t—talk. To me.”

When he said those last two sentences, Oliver sounded as if he was having a nail extracted for every word he spoke. She could almost see his grimace deepening the more he talked. Strangely enough, it comforted her, because this was something she could identify with. He was nearly as emotionally stunted as she was, stripped of that glamorous façade, and she imagined that she had the same expression that he had now whenever she talked about her feelings. Granted, this was the same reason they couldn’t be friends, and were instead friends with people like Felicity and Barry who were so open about their feelings that they were practically begging to be taken advantage of, but still. This kind of kinship was also comforting. Painfully awkward, but comforting.

So Caitlin took a deep breath and proceeded to tell him about sophomore year—the year they had their first real fight as friends.

It happened towards the end of their first term as sophomores. She’d been swamped with so many requirements and had been putting so much pressure on herself that she’d turned down all of Felicity’s invitations to parties, dinners, and even their hallowed Sunday lunches. Sometimes she didn’t even bother to acknowledge her in the room, because she didn’t want a break in her concentration. This went on for a month, until Felicity gave up trying to talk to her altogether. She avoided all their usual haunts and materialized in their room only to sleep. It was a miserable few months for both of them (and for Cisco, who’d shuttled back and forth between them), and it went on for as long as it did because, ironically, it had been easier to keep snubbing each other than to break their deadlock.

“Eventually, I just swallowed my pride and just went up to her during lunch. And even before I said anything, she burst out crying and hugged me,” Caitlin said.

He chuckled. “That sounds like her.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” she said. She decided to leave out the embarrassingly sappy things they told each other that time, like when Felicity told her, in between hiccups, You know, real talk—I’d get over a breakup with a guy faster than a breakup with you. Like, a friend break-up. Because guys are so… replaceable, you know? And there’s only one of you, and… where’ll I ever find another Caitlin Snow?

She didn’t think Oliver would respond favorably to that.

After their tearful reunion, though, they’d implicitly agreed never to talk about that time again. It seemed they both knew that the smooth continuation of their friendship hinged on completely burying that hatchet. So Felicity continued to tiptoe around her when she was busy, and continued to clam up when she was hurt. Maybe that was why she thought that her recent blow-up was an echo of sophomore year.

“She’s in Jitters, by the way,” Oliver said. “She told me not to tell you, but I don’t like seeing her miserable, and I don’t think I’m the person to cheer her up.”

“Oh,” she said. “Um, thanks.”

“Yeah,” he said. “Just… go talk to her. And make sure that she doesn’t steal too many drinks from my bar.”

Her lips lifted into a small smile. “The former, I can promise. The latter, not so much.”

. . .

In a way, it made sense that Felicity was at Jitters. Since she knew that Caitlin was avoiding Barry, and that Barry frequented Jitters, then she must have thought that there was a good chance that Caitlin would also avoid Jitters.

It didn’t take long to spot Felicity’s messy high ponytail in the crowd, and she was so deeply absorbed in her work that she didn’t even feel her approach.

“Hey,” Caitlin said, touching her shoulder, and Felicity immediately startled in her seat.

“Oh my God! Don’t scare me like th—”

When she saw it was her, though, she schooled her expression into a neutral one. The change was so dramatic that it unnerved her.

“Sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” God, she was terrible at this. “Can I… Is this seat taken?”

“No.”

This was agonizing. Any dim hope she’d harbored of this being like their first make-up was quashed.

“Felicity,” she said. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.”

Silence. And then, “Okay.”

“Okay as in…?”

She shrugged. “It’s fine.”

It was decidedly not fine. Felicity was not as adept at hiding her emotions as she thought, because Caitlin could see her trying to hide them. “Felicity…”

Silence. And then, softly, “I’ve been tiptoeing around you for years, did you know that?” she said. “No, wait—you probably never noticed, but I’ve been doing it since we started rooming together. Since our first year. When things would get busy—for both of us, not just for you—you would transform into this ticking time bomb. One wrong move on my part, and you’d explode.”

Caitlin sat very still. “I… never knew,” she said. “It’s just…”

She trailed off. She was about to say that it was a bad habit she’d picked up from her father, who’d regarded disturbances—a category which even his young, too-inquisitive daughter and his flaky wife fell into—with murderous intent, so everyone had always adjusted to him without question or complaint. But this sounded like an excuse, and in a rare flash of human insight, Caitlin saw that an excuse wouldn’t save their friendship.

So she held her tongue.

Felicity continued, “Every time you get like that, I have to worry about how to get you to eat and function like a normal human being without risking our friendship. Do you know how tiring that gets?”

Caitlin exhaled. “I’m sorry,” she said again. “I never meant you to feel like…” She paused to gather the right words. “Like I’d only be friends with you if you never made me mad.”

“Yeah, but that’s how you come off sometimes,” Felicity said. “Would it hurt to say, ‘Hey, Felicity, I’m really stressed and I don’t want to talk about it now’? It’s not hard. I mean, I let you know when I’m about to binge-code so you’d know better than to expect me to clean my part of the room for the rest of the week.”

“Or shower, for that matter,” Caitlin couldn’t help saying. When she realized her misstep she quickly amended it with, “Sorry—”

“God, not relevant, Cait,” Felicity said.

“Sorry,” Caitlin said. She’d unknowingly slipped back into their usual easy banter at the worst possible time. “Sorry.”

Her friend’s expression was now shuttered, and Caitlin had the sinking feeling that she’d blown her attempt at reconciliation.

The silence stretched between them.

“Felicity,” she finally said, unable to bear it, “I’m sorry, I really am. Please don’t shut me out.”

“Oh, you mean like what you do to me?”

Caitlin winced. The accusation rang so true that it hurt. The silence grew more and more tense the longer those words hung in the air, and she frantically reached for something appropriate to say.

“I… It… was wrong of me… to do that to you,” she said quietly. “You didn’t deserve any of it.” A pause. “I’ve been an asshole friend. I’m sorry.”

Felicity fiddled with the keys of her laptop. She gave no indication of having heard her.

A crazy sense of desperation seized her. She felt like she would do anything—anything—to get Felicity to talk to her, anything to draw her out of that damning silence… It made her more painfully aware that this was the same emotional distress she put Felicity (and Barry, for that matter) through whenever she gave her the cold shoulder. She would never do this again, she thought vehemently. She would never make her friends—her best friend—feel this shitty ever again, if said best friend would still care to talk to her. No wonder Felicity had burst out crying last time the moment she approached… Any move to break this kind of silence would have brought on waves of delirious relief.

Felicity continued fiddling with her keys. She uncrossed her legs. She leaned back against her chair. She let out a breath, and since it was so quiet between them, Caitlin could tell that this breath was a beat longer than was normal.

Felicity seemed to be on the verge of speaking. Caitlin braced herself.

“You’re not an asshole friend,” she finally said. She still wasn’t looking at her, but at least she was talking to her. She was talking to her. “You just… revert to assholic behavior when stressed.”

Caitlin held her breath. That was it. That was Felicity’s olive branch. She would have sagged in her seat from sheer relief, but she had to play this right.

“Assholic behavior,” she said carefully.

“What, you’re not used to Feliciticisms yet?” her friend said, finally looking at her. A small smile stretched across her face.

Caitlin blinked. She smiled. Definitely a good sign. Definitely a sign to play along, to ease back into the usual banter of their friendship. “I still can’t figure out how you say that,” she said. “Felicisms would have been a lot easier on the tongue.”

“Yes, but I’m a Felicity, not a Felici,” she said. “Although, come to think of it, Felici sounds a lot chicer.”

“True.” Caitlin paused and took a risk. “Probably why it doesn’t suit you.”

“Hey. You were the one who proposed Felicism.”

She tried to contain her smile. “Because it would be easier to pronounce, not because you look like a Felici.”

“Same banana.”

“No, they’re not. And for the record, there are more than 1,000 discovered varieties of bananas in the world.”

“Okay, just, no,” Felicity said. “How do you even know stuff like that?”

“The same way you know who invented ramen.”

“Technically, Momofuku Ando invented instant noodles, not…” She trailed off. “…Right. Point taken.”

Caitlin nodded. “The internet is a dark place.”

“Ah, yes. Two young, impressionable women frequenting websites with lurid pictures of bananas and noodles—positively scandalous.”

They shared a smile.

“Just… give me that heads-up, okay?” Felicity said, sobering. “So I know how to help you. Like how you fix my bed and buy me takeout when I’m binge-coding, or how you let me interrupt you to whine about how hard troubleshooting a faulty segment is. Even if you have zero idea of what I’m talking about.”

“Okay,” Caitlin said. She would’ve agreed to anything at this point. “I can’t promise I’ll always be able to do it, but I’ll try. I’ll really try.”

“You better,” Felicity said, grinning. “We’ve been friends for almost seven years. I’d say it merits some amount of trying.”

“Well, seven years is only slightly longer than some marriages, after all. I can manage more than some amount of trying.”

Felicity’s smile softened. “So. Friends?”

“Friends,” she affirmed. “Seven years and counting.” She paused. “I think we’re supposed to hug at this point, but can I just give you a mental hug? I’ve reached my sappiness limit for the day.”

Felicity laughed. “Mental hug accepted. I knew there was something weird about you today.”

“Well, I was apologizing to you. I had to summon the appropriate amount of sappiness.”

“Have you been manipulating me with sappiness?”

“I wouldn’t call it manipulation,” Caitlin said primly. “It’s more like scheduling sappiness usage for a rainy day.”

“By scheduling sappiness,” Felicity said, her smile turning wicked, “do you also mean the Saturday night you spent with a certain Bartholomew Henry Allen under the stars?”

“That was an unscheduled and unintentional leakage of sappiness,” Caitlin said. “And how much do you already know, anyway?”

“Only that you kissed,” Felicity said with feigned nonchalance. “No big deal. It was only your first kiss, after all, which you kept a secret for almost a week from your best friend, your companion since girlhood, the sister of your heart—”

“Are you done with the melodramatics?” she said dryly.

“—oh, wait, I’ll have to call Cisco and Jax,” Felicity said, pulling her phone out. “They need to hear this. It’s more time-efficient, too, since you’ll only have to tell the story once.”

“Time-efficient,” Caitlin repeated. “You’re talking to me about time efficiency.”

“Yeah. What, think I haven’t learned a thing or two about your reasoning after seven years of being the foremost Caitlin Snow scholar? Although,” she mused, “it looks like I’ll soon have to relinquish that title soon, since a certain Barry Allen is proving to be a quick study—”

“Felicity, you’re rambling,” Caitlin said.

“That was hardly—oh, fine, calling them…”

“Can you tell them that we’ll meet in front of the library instead?” Caitlin said, casting a furtive glance around them. “Jitters is kind of—”

“His turf, right,” Felicity said. “Got it.” She tucked her phone between her ear and shoulder, and slipped her laptop into her bag. “Hey Cisco, any chance you’re free now…?”

. . .

“Ola, ladies,” Cisco said, making his way to their table with his usual grin. Even from afar, they heard him coming by the tinkle of the many keychains he’d hung all over his backpack. “Glad to see you two have reconciled. I thought I’d have to be your messenger again or something.”

“Yeah, well,” Felicity said. “Signs of maturity, I guess.”

“Boring,” Cisco said. “In a good way, I mean. No one needs drama all the time, am I right?”

“You sure? Because Caitlin has a lot of drama to tell.”

“Oooh, saucy. You sure are getting a lot of drama lately, come to think of it,” Cisco said. “Where was all this in high school? And in the last, I don’t know, two years in college—”

“I don’t know, Cisco, I don’t think one can space out the dramatic events in one’s life—”

“Rhetorical question, chica,” he said breezily, waving a hand. “I’m sure you know what that is—”

“What’s up, guys?” Jax said, sliding into the seat beside Cisco. He pocketed his phone and dropped his duffel bag to the ground. “Is this an update on Barry or what?”

“Well,” Caitlin said, “somewhat.”

“I am so excited,” Felicity said. “I can’t wait to hear your version of the kiss.”

“THE KISS?!” Cisco gaped. “Whoa, okay, slow down, this is too much—”

“I… haven’t even started yet…”

“Her version?” Jax interjected, looking at Felicity. “What other version is there?”

“Dude,” Cisco said. “I can’t believe that’s what you fixated on.”

“I heard it first from Barry,” Felicity said, waving a hand. “Anyway, long story, and not exactly relevant—”

“Not exactly rele—Felicity, what was his version?” Caitlin said suddenly. “What did he tell you?”

“Oh, pretty vague stuff,” she said. “Mostly it was about you breaking his heart.”

Cisco blinked. “Is it just me, or are things moving way too fast?”

“Last I heard you weren’t even sure if he liked you,” Jax said, also confused, “and now you already broke up? And if you”—he gestured to Felicity—“and Barry’re tight, why didn’t you just ask him for advice, instead of asking us?”

“Well,” Felicity mused, “a little Smirnoff goes a long way in solidifying friendships…”

“She and Barry shared a bottle of vodka between them the other night,” Caitlin clarified. “Well, technically, it was Oliver’s vodka, but anyway.”

“Dang,” Jax said. “Any chance I can get an invite to one of those in the future?”

“Yeah, it’d be nice to hang out at Oliver’s pad again,” Cisco said wistfully. “That sound system is to die for…”

“Wait,” Felicity said suddenly, turning to her, “that’s how you knew where to find me—you called Oliver and Oliver told you, that traitor—”

“Yes?” Caitlin said. “You thought I just guessed?”

“Well, I didn’t really—okay, never mind, we’re getting way off topic. So, Cait, tell us what happened last Saturday.”

“We all saw the sing-off,” Cisco said smugly. “And boy, you owe me big time for that—”

“It would’ve been better if you’d given me more drinks,” she muttered. “No chance kissing him if I’d passed out.”

Cisco ignored her. “—and we saw you slow-dancing to that weird Despacito remix,” he said. “Well, Felicity and I did. Jax probably didn’t.”

“I didn’t.”

“Yeah, to fill you in, they slow-danced to a Despacito remix.”

He gave Cisco a withering look. “Yeah, I grasped the concept, thanks.”

“You’re caught up, then,” Caitlin said, pleased. “So after the slow-dancing, we went up to the balcony—”

“The one for VIPs?” Jax said.

“Yes, the one for VIPs,” she said. “Anyway, I was slightly tipsy. As a result of faulty judgment, I leaned in to kiss him. I quickly realized it was a mistake, so I left and ignored him for a week. But we made up again just yesterday, so everything’s fine now.”

Silence.

“You know, you gotta brush up on your storytelling skills,” Cisco said.

“For a moment there I thought I was listening to a weather report,” Jax said.

“Well,” Caitlin bristled, “it’s not exactly something I want to recount in detail, so—”

“How did it happen? How did you let it happen? What did you feel?” Cisco insisted, accompanying his words with hand gestures. “What did he do? What did he say? What did you say? What were you thinking?”

“As I’ve already mentioned, I wasn’t thinking—”

“Okay, I think we’re overwhelming her,” Felicity said. “Cisco, ask her something again, only one question at a time.”

“Oh! Oh! I’ll start with this one,” Cisco said. “I have a feeling I’m going to regret asking this, but I am way curious, so here goes.” He took a deep breath. “Was there tongue?”

Caitlin squirmed. “Oh my God—”

“OH MY GOD,” Cisco said. “OH MY GOD, THERE WAS, WASN’T THERE?”

“OH MY GOD,” Felicity said. “THERE WAS, CISCO, THERE WAS—”

“…The hell is going on?” Jax said. “She hasn’t answered the question yet—”

“If you’re fluent in Caitlin,” Felicity explained, “you’d know that if it isn’t a direct no, then it’s a definite yes.”

“Huh,” Jax said.

“Damn,” Cisco said to Caitlin admiringly. “So you’ve finally lost your tongue-ginity. Welcome to the club.”

Jax scrunched his brow. “I never signed up for that.”

“Did we ever make that a thing?” Felicity said. “I don’t think we ever made that a thing…”

“We totally did. We made it a thing in high school, when I was with Kendra, remember? After we made out in the—”

“Okay, stop,” Felicity said. “I vaguely remember you breaking down that make-out scene, and I don’t want to remember more.”

“I second the motion,” Caitlin said.

“Third,” Jax piped up.

“Fine, this is Caitlin’s show anyway,” Cisco said good-naturedly. “It’s your turn to give us details.”

“No.”

They were all unfazed. “Did he lean in first?” Felicity said. “Or did you?”

Caitlin paused to consider it. “I’m not sure,” she said. “I think we—it was done at the same time.”

“And it lasted for some time,” Cisco prompted, “since there was tongue.”

“Well, it wasn’t unpleasant,” she hedged, “so we were there for some time, but I was the one who put an end to it.”

“Okay, let me get this straight,” Jax said. “You guys made out and you were really into it, but for some reason, you walked away and ignored him after that.”

“…It doesn’t sound very nice if you put it that way, but yes, basically…”

“What made you ignore him?” Felicity said. Caitlin recognized this voice—it was the one her friend used when she wanted to steer the discussion into a more serious direction. “I’d always assumed that he said something stupid, but…”

“Well,” Caitlin said, “he mentioned that we’ve only known each other two weeks.”

“Which is true,” Cisco said.

“Yes, I know,” she said. “Still, I lost it. I just didn’t think that it was possible—for me, at least—to like someone in such a short time. I was scared of it, of myself, so… I ran away. Ignored him. Pretended like ignoring him could reset me to before I met him.”

There was a pause as the statement hung in the air. It was perhaps the most honest she’d been since last week’s debacle, and they seemed to feel it, too.

“Okay, since things are getting serious,” Cisco said, standing up, “anyone want some food? Nachos, maybe?”

“Dude,” Jax said. “Way to ruin a moment—”

“No, I’m pretty sure Cait doesn’t want to talk about her feelings on an empty stomach,” he said, grinning at her. “Just like how you won’t study chemistry on an empty stomach.”

Caitlin smiled. “It’s fine, Jax. Nachos with beef and bacon bits please.”

“And extra cheese,” Felicity piped in.

“And Diet Coke with no ice,” Caitlin said.

“Same, but with ice and no straw for me,” Felicity said. “Save the environment and all.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know the drill,” Cisco said. “Hey, man, how about you?”

Jax looked at them. “You guys are hella weird.”

“But?” Cisco prompted cheekily.

He shrugged. “You’re not bad.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Barry does this thing where I’m not sure if he’s complimenting or insulting me,” Caitlin said. “Is that an athlete thing?”

“Way to stereotype us,” Jax said. “And I’m pretty sure that’s called a backhanded compliment.”

Caitlin snapped her fingers. “I knew there was a word for it…”

Cisco went to buy their snacks, and when he came back, the conversation—even with nachos and the best of intentions (particularly Felicity’s)—didn’t quite stay on track. It was, as usual, one-part insight and three-parts insanity, but Caitlin didn’t mind. It was good to be in their company again.

When Monday came around, Caitlin had the uncanny feeling, as she walked out of her dorm, that she was being stared at.

It wasn’t something she realized right away. After all, she’d spent most of her formative years in a state of near-invisibility. The only exception to that was when teachers announced the highest score in class (which, in science subjects, would almost invariably be her) and she would, for a few minutes, be the spotlight of the everyone’s awe and envy. But after class, she drew no more stares, elicited no more whispers. Smart wasn’t as valuable a currency as pretty or sporty was in high school, and she was perfectly content with that, as she never had to expend energy with the sort of self-conscious thinking that came with assuming that her peers were interested in her.

But today, something strange happened. As she walked down the near-deserted hallway of her dorm—it was still early, and the lone souls who were already awake walked around like zombies in their bubbles of half-sleep—she registered the sound of voices in the early morning hush. Out of idle curiosity, she looked around until she found the source of the whisperings—a group of five freshmen, two of whom quickly turned away when her gaze settled on them.

She blinked, wondering if she’d imagined it, and then concluded that she must have. Freshmen, she thought, were especially prone to sticking in groups like that and over-sharing noisily, in hopes that it might translate into friendship.

But then it happened again. When she passed by two more groups of girls outside the dorm and sensed the tickle of whispers in her wake, she wondered if maybe her intuition was right. It was disturbing to suspect that one was the topic of someone else’s conversation without knowing what, exactly, was being said, and without having the means to confront them about it.

So it was when, upon reaching the foyer and seeing Eliza and Bette deep in conversation before abruptly falling quiet when she approached, she narrowed her eyes and said, “Not you, too.”

Bette raised a brow. “Hi, Caitlin.”

Eliza said, “Good morning to you too, sunshine.”

Caitlin sighed and took her seat across them. With a cursory look, she ascertained that three of the boys from her block were there—no sign of Hartley yet—along with two other people from Applied Chemistry (or was it Chemical Engineering? She could never really keep track). Most of them were half-asleep, using their backpacks to pillow their faces from the cool granite surface of the tables.

“Sorry,” she sighed. “I’ve been having this strange sensation this morning that people have been talking about me. Paranoid, I know—”

Eliza and Bette exchanged glances. Like she and Felicity, the two had been friends for so long that they seemed to be able to communicate just by looking at each other.

Caitlin was immediately suspicious. “What was that?”

“What was what?” Eliza said innocently.

“That look you just shared. It’s suspicious.”

Bette, who was usually quiet and stoic—even more than she was, probably because she was always with the animated Eliza—said, amused, “Aren’t we allowed to look at each other?”

“I think we’re allowed to a few secrets,” Eliza added with a sly smile, “since you’ve obviously been keeping yours.”

Caitlin paused. She knew that these girls meant well—they had a pleasant relationship formed on the basis of their being stranded together in a testosterone-dominated course—but she wasn’t comfortable divulging her feelings to them in the way she had with Felicity, Cisco, and Jax. They were the kind of friends she’d complain on coursework with, not the ones she’d have a heart-to-heart with.

She said cautiously, “If this was about the sing-off…”

“Oh, the sing-off was last week’s news,” Eliza said.

“It’s already been dissected to death while you weren’t around,” Bette said, with an apologetic smile. “It’s common knowledge now that you’re Barry Allen’s new girl.”

Caitlin blinked, feeling strangely violated—or rather erased—by the term. “Okay, no,” she said. “First of all, I am not ‘Barry Allen’s new girl.’ I’m me. I’m still the same Caitlin Snow majoring in Molecular Biology with you.”

“Right, of course,” Eliza said, smiling at her while propping her face up in cupped hands. “But it’s already pretty obvious to everyone that you two are a thing.”

“We’re not…” Caitlin trailed off when she realized she didn’t have anything to say to that, because what were they? They hadn’t gone out on a date yet, so they weren’t dating, but they weren’t a thing, either. Or… were they? In the first place, why in the world did people invent a term as vague as ‘a thing’ anyway? What spectrum of togetherness did ‘a thing’ encompass? And why was it that even before she and Barry had defined what they were to themselves, other people were already clamoring to define their relationship with nosy collective authority? Couldn’t they just mind their own business and leave a budding romantic relationship unlabeled?

Caitlin resisted the urge to press a hand to her temple. She couldn’t deal with this. It was too early in the morning to puzzle out the confusing semantics of human romantic entanglements.

Instead, she said, “Never mind.  Second of all, last week’s news? Was there news this week involving him and me that I, of all people, wouldn’t know of?”

“Oh, I’m sure you know this,” Eliza said, giving her an enigmatic look. Caitlin felt like that look was her cue to spill what she apparently knew, but since she didn’t know anything, she remained quiet.

“If you’ll remember,” Eliza went on, when her pause became awkward, “there was a commotion last night at the dorm. Specifically, outside our wing.”

“What commotion?” Caitlin said, furrowing her brow.

Now, Eliza and Bette exchanged looks that were as bewildered as hers.

“You mean you really didn’t hear the commotion?” Bette said.

“No,” Caitlin said. “Should I have?”

“Oh my God, she has no idea,” Eliza said. “One of the hottest guys on campus is courting her—”

“Courting—of all the sheer nonsense—”

“—and she doesn’t have a clue,” Eliza finished.

“That is ridiculous,” she said. “I don’t know what commotion you’re talking about, but he’s not courting me. All I know is that he left a note on my window with ‘Good morning’ written on it.”

That was the abbreviated version. The full version was as follows:

Good morning :) I know, I know, when I walked you back, you said one week of no texts or calls or voicemails, but I’m pretty sure you didn’t say anything about sticky notes on windows. I’m kind of a pain in the ass, as you can see, aside from being a mildly annoying campus cutie and an insatiable hug monster (only for your hugs, though). Just so you know what you might be getting into. Anyway, I lost my main point for this note sometime after the smiley. I think I was supposed to write a poem, but I got sidetracked, and now I don’t have enough space. Well, I’ll find my main point tomorrow. In the meantime, ‘I miss you’ is probably enough. Can’t wait for Saturday. – Barry

“Mmm,” Bette said. “So you’re telling me that clambering up two floors of the girls’ dorms in the middle of the night, with a bouquet of flowers, a gift, and a note in hand, doesn’t qualify as courting?”

“A bouquet of flowers? How is that even—”

“At first I thought it was Cisco,” Eliza said, “because he visits your room sometimes, right, and he always makes so much noise. But when I opened my window to tell him to tone it down, guess who I saw instead?”

“Oh, by the way, here you go,” Bette said, pulling a single, long-stemmed rose from her backpack and handing it to a dazed Caitlin. “Half of the flowers were crushed during his climb,” she added, by way of explanation. “The others that weren’t crushed lost too many petals. This was the only proper rose left.” She pushed a box towards her. “Also, a gift from him. Said it was fragile.”

“He was supposed to sneak the stuff into your room,” Eliza said, “but he didn’t know that your window would be locked. Obviously he didn’t think things through.”

“Yeah, he also wrote his note on the wrong side of the post-it. We had to give him tape so he could stick the written portion against the glass facing your bed,” Bette said.

“Oh, and to clarify, we”—Eliza said, gesturing to the two of them—“weren’t the ones who gave him tape. Someone from the room below did.”

“It became a sort of group effort,” Bette said.

“Although his best friend—can’t remember her name, the one who wrote that article about sexism on campus—”

“Iris West,” Bette said.

“Right, her. She clearly didn’t support it,” Eliza said. “Stormed out of the dorm when she caught wind of what was happening just to tell him that he was an idiot.”

“She wasn’t yelling, but it was so quiet out there that people could hear what she was saying, anyway.”

“Good thing our dorm mom sleeps like a log.”

“Yeah, and good thing everyone loves Barry, so no one’ll tell on him…”

“It’s really strange that you didn’t hear anything,” Bette said, looking puzzled. “He made so much noise.”

It wasn’t all that strange. She and Felicity slept through the commotion courtesy of the remaining contents of the Smirnoff that she’d brought back from her drinking session with Barry.

“Hello, ladies,” came a voice that Caitlin knew all too well. “Finally got to interrogate her, huh? Do I finally get my—is that a rose? Why the hell do you have a rose?”

“Language, Hartley,” Bette said. “As you can see, the subject is still in shock.”

“The rose is from Allen, isn’t it?” Hartley said, scoffing. “Jesus, how predictable. Even I can tell you aren’t the roses kind.”

“Thank you for your valuable input, Hartley,” Eliza said. “Why don’t you run along now and compare notes with Barry, since you’re such an expert on Caitlin’s botanical preferences?”

“Dial down the bitchiness, sweetheart,” Hartley said. “It’s not even nine yet.”

“The rose isn’t the worst of it, really,” Bette said.

“Oh?” Hartley said gleefully, smirking and pulling up a chair from the other table, seeing as Caitlin’s backpack was still occupying the space beside her. “Do tell. Does the worst of it have something to do with this box?”

Caitlin finally snapped out of the daze she was in. She was having difficulty processing all… this. She needed another coffee. Maybe three. “I’m having difficulty imagining how he moved from the staircase to the window holding all this…”

“He had the bouquet in his mouth,” Eliza said.

Hartley’s brows shot up. “What,” he said, “the fuck?”

“What he said,” Caitlin muttered.

“She was kidding,” Bette said, giving Eliza a stern look. “He had a canvas bag.”

Eliza laughed. “Fine, but you have to admit you can totally imagine it.”

Hartley rolled his eyes. “I actually find it more unlikely that he had the foresight to bring a bag.”

“Well, are you going to open it?” Eliza said, gesturing to the box. “Bette and I have been dying to see what’s inside.”

Caitlin gave them a look, and Eliza said, “Hey, you can’t blame us. We’ve been safekeeping it for the last seven hours.”

“This really is beneath me,” Hartley said casually, “but I am curious to see what sort of disgustingly sentimental gift he got you. Gifts are a reflection of the giver, as someone once said. Can’t remember who it was, though…”

“You know, you can admit you’re curious without having to insult anyone,” Caitlin said.

“Where’s the fun in that?” he smirked. “Well? Are you opening it or not? We don’t have all day, Frosty.”

Caitlin sighed and relented, if only out of weariness. She opened the box without ceremony—there was no wrapper so she simply had to lift the flap—and peered inside. Three other heads neared to peer in, too.

It was a cactus.

On the flap, it said, I already got the roses when I saw this, but this is way better. You’re more of a cactus person, I think. ;) – Barry

Hartley barked a laugh. “I take it back. Allen is a fucking genius.”

“I don’t know,” Bette said dubiously. “It sounds like an insult.”

“It’s definitely an insult,” Eliza said. “You’re more of a cactus person—does that mean you have the qualities of a cactus?”

“He’s not wrong,” Hartley said. “Caitlin’s botanical identity aside, though,” he added, “everyone still owes me money, because she obviously accepted his advances…”

Caitlin, on her part, had already tuned them out. Barry Allen was a hopeless romantic and a complete idiot, and he also possibly had a screw or two loose, but he meant well, and he really and truly seemed to like her, and he was…

He was hers to like back.

Still, he had to stop climbing walls in the middle of the night to give her… whatever else he was planning on giving her. She had no clue about what courtship entailed, but she was sure that it didn’t have to be as life-threatening as he made it seem.

Caitlin didn’t think to approach him right away about this, though, because she didn’t think he’d be sending any more gifts her way. She thought he would have desisted with the flowers and the cacti, opting to leave only sticky notes instead.

She was wrong.

Well, not exactly. The next day, she did receive another note on her window, but she also received a heart-shaped box of chocolates and another cactus (both delivered by Cisco). This was puzzling, because she had no use whatsoever for a heart-shaped box, and she had no strong feelings about chocolates. Not that she didn’t like chocolates, per se; she’d just never particularly craved for them or sought them out. She didn’t want them to go to waste, though, so she ate two or three pieces before welcoming Cisco and Jax to finish up the rest.

This, surely, she thought, would be the end of it. Surely he knew that giving her gifts every single day until Saturday, for no particular reason and with no particular occasion, was an absurd and costly enterprise.

But she was wrong again. On Wednesday, she received the requisite note on her window and a teddy bear named Beary—See what I did there? ;) he’d said in his note—sporting a cactus pin. (She must’ve forgotten to lock her window last night after Cisco and Jax had left, so he was able to slip them onto her bedside table.) Now, if the chocolates were mildly puzzling, the teddy bear was downright bewildering, because she had given up stuffed animals altogether at the age of five, when her father had introduced her to illustrated encyclopedias. If she had no use for a teddy bear back at five years old, she had even less use of it now at twenty-one. She was aware that it was common for other couples to give each other stuffed animals, but that was other couples. For some reason, other couples found it cute to give their significant others a reminder of a more infantile period in their lives. Or perhaps the intention was for the recipient to endow the inanimate object with some of the partner’s qualities, so that it could serve as a reminder of the partner when he or she was away…

This was all just conjecture, of course. She’d never quite understood it. Even now that she herself was the recipient of a stuffed animal, she still didn’t understand what she was supposed to do with it.

To be fair, Barry didn’t know that she didn’t particularly care for chocolates or for stuffed animals. But perhaps that was the point—he didn’t know what she liked, and had simply assumed she would enjoy this standard romantic fanfare.

This brought to mind something Hartley had said the other day, about gifts being a reflection of the giver. Irritating as he was, she had to agree with his assessment: These gifts were less a reflection of her than they were a reflection of Barry. They conveyed the sincerity of his intentions well enough, but they also conveyed a startling lack of knowledge of who she was.

Well, not exactly. She did enjoy the sticky notes, and the cactus symbolized an inside joke that only the two of them shared and understood. Everything else, though, puzzled her.

She didn’t want to discard them, because that would mean discarding Barry’s feelings, too. (And, on an aside, Beary seemed to grow cuter the longer she looked at it [him?], which made her more reluctant to discard it [him?]. She made a mental note to Google the evolutionary value of cuteness even in lifeless objects.) But at the same time, the sole function of the rose, the chocolates, and the bear was to convey Barry’s intentions, which had been fulfilled the moment she’d received the gifts. Ergo, she no longer had any use for them. Was she obliged to keep these things around as relics of his affection for her? Then again, she knew that he liked her anyway, so why did she need all these things to remind her of it?

She frowned. She was trapped in a symbolic deadlock. Clearly when she confessed to him she didn’t foresee that things would become this complicated—and this when they weren’t even ‘a thing’ yet…

She sat back to view the gifts on her now-crowded bedside table and considered her situation. The most obvious course of action was to tell him to stop giving her gifts, but she could already tell that it would hurt him. But she also couldn’t think of a nice way to say it. The truth—“Please stop giving me gifts, I appreciate the sentiment but I find them useless” was too harsh, while a white lie like “I don’t have space to put them anymore” was too unconvincing. She could give him a list of what she liked, but she didn’t want to make it seem like she was asking for more gifts. Then again, she could inform him that she simply didn’t make a fuss about gifts, but clearly he made a fuss about gifts, so…

Great, she was back to her earlier deadlock.

Maybe it was time to call a friend. Felicity might know what to do. And, even if she didn’t, she might know how to soften a sentence like “Please stop giving me gifts, I appreciate the sentiment but I find them useless.”

Right, talk to Felicity it was, then.

. . .

On her way out of her room, though, something unusual happened: She bumped into Iris West.

The fact that Iris was here on her floor was already unusual in itself. Iris lived two or three floors above her, and she didn’t seem to have close friends residing on the second floor, so Caitlin had never actually seen her in this hallway.

The second unusual thing was that Iris was alone. Caitlin may have only glimpsed her on campus a few times, but she had no recollection of Iris being alone—she was always either surrounded by her friends from the school paper, or she was with a tall, clean-looking guy—her boyfriend, presumably.

The third unusual thing was that Iris was walking towards her now. Caitlin resisted the urge to look behind her to see if Iris was walking towards someone else, and instead she pasted on a tentative smile, the sort she reserved for people with whom she knew only vaguely, and so wasn’t sure if she should greet or not. If the person noticed the smile and greeted her, she’d return the greeting with relief. But if the person didn’t notice the smile, then she’d look like an idiot, but not as big an idiot as she would have had she uttered an ignored ‘Hi’.

Iris, as it turned out, returned her smile. “Hi, Caitlin,” she said, slowing when she reached her.

A greeting and a slowing down. Clearly she was about to engage her in conversation, but what did Iris have to talk with her about? Did Barry send her to deliver a package, or to do some reconnaissance? But if she was going to do reconnaissance, wouldn’t it be wiser to approach someone closer to her, like Felicity?

“Hi?” Caitlin said.

“I’m glad I caught you on your way out,” she said. “I would’ve messaged you first, but Facebook says you haven’t been online in three days, so…”

“Sorry,” Caitlin said. “I don’t go online often.”

“No, no, don’t apologize,” she said. “I mean, I’m the one asking for your time. Not because I’m spying on you for Barry or anything,” she added hastily. “I just wanted to talk, that’s all. If you’re busy, though, I could—”

“I’m not,” Caitlin said. Her curiosity was sufficiently peaked. “My next class is in two hours. What did you want to talk about?”

“Great,” Iris said. “Could we… talk somewhere more private, like your room? Or my room’s fine, too. Gossip spreads pretty fast around here.”

“My room’s nearer,” Caitlin said. “It’s a bit of a mess, though. Well, Felicity’s side is a bit of a mess, so we could stay on my side…”

They both headed back to her room, and while Caitlin felt like the silence was awkward, Iris seemed completely at ease. She did look out of place in the shabby dorm room—with her red chiffon top, black leather skirt, and knee-high black boots, she looked like she’d stepped out of the pages of Vogue rather than a classroom—but she carried herself with the relaxed confidence of a person who made and followed her own rules.

“I know this is weird,” Iris said, “but Barry has also been acting weird lately, so I felt like I had to do something.”

“Weird, how?” Caitlin said, silently asking Felicity’s permission to borrow her chair. She pulled it up beside hers in front of her desk. She gestured for Iris to sit. “I haven’t known him long, but this”—she pointed to the items on her bedside table—“doesn’t seem too uncharacteristic of him.”

“Yeah, well, that’s true,” Iris said, sitting. From the direction of her gaze, Caitlin noticed the way Iris catalogued details carefully with her gaze: She scanned the usual school supplies on Caitlin’s desk (a plain white mug for writing materials, another one for highlighters, and a tray for bond paper), glanced at the stack of printed journal articles with notes and post-its, and lingered on the books on her shelf—The Double Helix by James Watson, Rosalind Franklin: The Dark Lady of DNA by Brenda Maddox, What Is Life? by Erwin Schrödinger, Einstein’s Dreams by Alan Lightman, and The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat and Other Clinical Tales by Oliver Sacks—all with yellowed pages. Those books were the only memorabilia she kept on her desk.

“Why do I feel,” Caitlin ventured when Iris reached the end of her quick survey, “that you’re already mentally writing profile of me?”

She was aiming to sound amused, and she supposed it succeeded, because Iris gave her a sheepish smile. “Sorry,” she said. “Guilty as charged. Had to convince myself that I’m doing the right thing, and after seeing this”—she gestured to her Spartan desk and the books on display—“and that”—she gestured to her cluttered bedside table—“I’m pretty convinced. I’m guessing—no, I’m one hundred percent sure that you’re not the romantic type.”

“Not at all,” Caitlin said. And then, upon realizing that Iris might report all this to Barry, she added, “I do appreciate the sentiment, though.”

“Right,” Iris said, “but not the gifts.”

“Well…”

“Here’s the thing,” Iris said, sensing her hesitation. “I thought about talking to you back when he pulled that crazy stunt in the middle of the night, but for once, I stopped myself from meddling. Which is difficult for me, since I meddle in other people’s business for a living,” she added with a self-deprecating smile. “But I managed. ‘How bad can it be?’ I thought. ‘Who knows, maybe she likes flowers.’ When he gave you the chocolates, I thought, ‘Okay, fine, maybe she likes chocolates, too. Flowers are tricky, but chocolates are pretty safe. A lot of people are nuts for chocolates.’”

Caitlin was about to say that was nuts for neither flowers nor chocolates, but Iris seemed to be on a roll, so she let her continue.

“But when he gave you that teddy bear”—she gave the poor innocent Beary a dirty look—“and named it after him, that was the last straw. I said to him”—she made the phone gesture with her hand and brought it to her ear—“‘You gave her a teddy bear? Are you crazy? Do you even know if she likes teddy bears?’ and he was like, ‘But teddy bears are cute! Who doesn’t like teddy bears?’ and I was like, ‘Barry, if Eddie’—Eddie’s my boyfriend—‘gave me a teddy bear, I’d either donate it to charity or tell him to return it to the fricking store. Honestly, how old do you think she is? Five?’”

At this, Caitlin couldn’t help smiling. She was starting to like Iris. Iris made sense. “My sentiments, exactly.”

“Shit, I knew it,” Iris sighed. “I should’ve stopped him earlier, but it’s too late now. There’s no stopping him once he gets into planning. Although if it’s any consolation, he hasn’t gone this all-out since… Well, since. And there isn’t even any occasion. Can you imagine what sort of production number he’ll come up with if there is an occasion?”

“I’d really rather not,” Caitlin said, wincing. “If it’s going to involve a grand public display of affection, it’s going to be a nightmare.”

“Not a fan of PDA, huh?” Iris said. “This must be really uncomfortable for you. I mean, people have been talking nonstop about what he’s doing. I’ve lost count of how many times someone came up to me to ask about”—here she made quotation marks in the air—“‘Barry’s new girl.’”

Caitlin must have made a face, because Iris nodded sympathetically and said, “Yeah, I know.  I was ‘Eddie’s new girl’ for some time, too, although for some reason he was never ‘Iris’s new guy.’ Ingrained sexism, that’s what it is. Really subtle, too, and harder to root out, but since women empowerment is having a moment—right, I’m ranting. Sorry. Bad habit.”

“It’s fine,” she said. “I’m used to ramblers.”

“Ranters,” Iris corrected with a smile. “Wouldn’t want to be lumped in the same category as Barry. At least I don’t lose my main point while talking.”

Caitlin smiled. “He is prone to that.”

“Don’t I know it. Sometimes I just tune out until like, three hundred words later, when he finds it again. Come to think of it, I shouldn’t have tuned him out when he was spouting all those nonsense ideas… I might’ve been able to stop him from doing all this…”

“Is there really no way to ask him to stop with the gifts?” Caitlin said tentatively. “The sticky notes are okay, just not… this production number, as you called it.”

Iris paused. “I could try to talk to him again,” she said. “And anyway, isn’t he supposed to be giving you space?”

“Yes, well. Obviously he failed. I even have less literal space in my room now.”

Iris laughed. “That’s true.”

They fell into a brief, comfortable silence.

“Hey, Caitlin,” Iris eventually said, “thanks for being honest. I know it sounds like I’m selling my best friend out, but it’s just, he really likes you, and I don’t want him to screw himself over. He can be really eager, you know? When he’s excited he just jumps into things without thinking. Loses all sense of timing and subtlety, too.”

Iris paused as if debating whether or not to continue, but before Caitlin could come up with a response to fill in the silence, she went on. “His mom and dad were also really big on romance,” she said. “We grew up watching them trying to out-surprise each other on their anniversary and on Valentine’s Day. It was crazy, the things his dad did. Once, he decorated their whole house with flowers, because his mom absolutely adored flowers. This other time, he ordered chocolates from France, Sweden, Belgium—you know, places where those fancy chocolates come from—and made it look like a chocolate buffet from around the world. His mom was like that, too. She used to throw him these themed surprise parties. There was one party where she invited everyone—his former patients, his students, his colleagues from the hospital, his colleagues from whatever medical association he was part of—and she had someone from each group give him a toast. He was so teary-eyed at the end that he couldn’t give a proper thank-you speech.” Iris sighed. “His parents had something really special, you know? Even my dad thought so. Everyone who knew them thought so. The happiest couple in the world, people would call them.”

Caitlin absorbed all this in silence. “He does look like someone who grew up surrounded by that kind of love,” she murmured.

“Yeah,” Iris said, smiling. “He was such a happy kid. Still is, actually. And I think—and this is pure speculation,” she added, “but I think that more than having a great career, more than being rich or famous or successful, more than anything, really, Barry wants what his parents had. I’m not telling you should fulfil that,” she added quickly. “I just want you to understand where he’s coming from.”

“I understand,” she said slowly. “This is a lot to take in, though. I’m the antithesis of that picture of his parents you just described, as you can see.”

Iris laughed. “Yeah, that’s pretty clear to me. And honestly, I don’t think he’ll want you any other way. Just give him time to adjust.”

“Alright,” she said. “Thank you for… talking to me. To be honest, I wasn’t sure how to proceed with all this.”

“Oh, no problem,” Iris said, waving a hand. “If you need help with Barry—or anything, really—you can message me any time.” She stood up. “Anyway, I should go. You have class, right?”

“In an hour, yes,” Caitlin said, accompanying her to the door.

“Hey, maybe in the future, we could do a double date or something,” Iris said. “You and Barry and me and Eddie. I’ll take you to all the best hole-in-the-wall places. A lot of the owners know me already, so I get discounts, too. It’ll be fun. What do you think?”

Caitlin blinked. “Okay,” she said.

“Great,” Iris smiled and squeezed her arm. Caitlin tried not to shy away from it. “I’ll go talk to Barry before he brews tomorrow’s disaster. See you around, Caitlin.”

When she left, Caitlin returned to her desk. Well. That was strange, but not entirely unwelcome, especially since Iris herself had offered to talk to Barry. She also found herself relieved that she could get along with Iris. She wasn’t exactly the friendliest of people, but Iris had enough friendly in her for the two of them.

“Now,” Caitlin muttered, staring at Beary’s placid smiling face, “what to do with you? You’re going to want to stick around, huh? A real nuisance you are, just like your namesake…”

She stopped abruptly when she realized that she was talking to an inanimate object, and then squinted warily at Beary. She was beginning to be gripped by this whole stuffed-animal craze, and she wasn’t sure what she felt about that…

. . .

“Cait? Hey Cait, bananas!”

Caitlin looked up from her laptop. “What? What’s happening?”

“Ha, got you to look!” Felicity grinned triumphantly. “You ready to sleep? I’m going to kill the lights now.”

Caitlin gave her friend an odd look, but, being used to such antics (or Felicitisms), she merely saved her file and slipped her laptop onto her table. “Yeah, sure.”

The lights went out. Felicity shuffled to her bed, and Caitlin heard her fold her glasses and place them on her bedside table with a soft thunk.

A few moments later, Caitlin ventured, “Hey. Are you sleepy?”

“No, not really.” Felicity turned to face her. Her face was blurry in the moonlight. “Are you?”

“No.” She paused. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, okay. Shoot.”

“Remember that story I told you, the one Iris told about Barry’s parents?”

“Mmm. What about it?”

“It bothers me.”

“Why?”

Caitlin curled further into her side. Had she been talking to Felicity during the day, with Cisco and Jax with them, she might not have said this out loud. But now, wrapped up in her blanket and enveloped by the warm, inviting darkness of their room, filled with the well-worn and well-loved things they had shared for over two years, Caitlin felt brave enough to be vulnerable.

“He wants a happy ending,” she said. “I’m clearly not his happy ending. He needs someone who can match his… exuberance, I guess. His generosity. Someone who’ll give him what his parents had. I don’t think I can. I don’t think I’m capable of it.”

“You don’t know that,” Felicity said. “You haven’t even started dating yet.”

“I think that’s the point. We haven’t started dating yet and we’re already incompatible,” she said. “At first, I thought admitting my feelings was a bad idea because I didn’t want to get hurt, but now I think it’s a bad idea because I don’t want him to get hurt. I don’t want to disappoint him.”

“Ah,” Felicity said. “So you don’t think you’re good enough for him?”

“Well,” Caitlin exhaled, “more like I’m not right enough for him.”

“Yeah, I get that. I still feel that way with Oliver sometimes, you know.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. Well, we haven’t been together for long, but still. I was terrified, remember? And you were terrified for me, too. Told me that if I had any common sense, I’d walk away from him right this instant, before things got too serious.”

Caitlin smiled. “Fortunately for Oliver, you had zero common sense.”

“Yeah,” she said. “Sometimes, when I’m with him and I’m feeling really happy, I get hit by sheer panic. Like, I start thinking, It’s impossible for anyone to be this happy. He’s going to cheat on me one day, or else he’ll get bored with me and break up with me… Oh my God, if he does, I’ll never find someone like him again, I’ll never be this happy again… and so on.”

“You still think about that?” Caitlin said, incredulous. “Have you seen the way Oliver looks at you? When you’re in the room he literally cannot focus on anything else.”

“Yeah,” Felicity said, with a modest shrug, “but I guess sometimes we sabotage our own happiness.”

Caitlin moved to lie on her back. “I think I’ve felt what you’ve felt with Oliver,” she said quietly. “I just feel… so light with Barry. Or happy, I suppose. I’m not sure. But I know that when I’m with him, I don’t want the moment to end. And when I saw him with Patty—I told you about that, right?”

“Yeah.”

“When I saw him with Patty, I was devastated. But there was this small part of me that was almost… gleeful about it. It’s hard to explain, but that part of me seemed to be saying, You knew this would happen. You were right, he’ll never like you. Good thing you didn’t get too attached.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Felicity said. “Sometimes I hear that voice in my head, too.”

“Why does it do that?” Caitlin said, confusion and frustration seeping into her tone. “Why does our mind do that? Why is it that when we’re happy, our first instinct is to be skeptical of happiness?”

Felicity was quiet for a moment. “Maybe our mind is trying to protect us from getting hurt,” she said. “Maybe we only open a little part of ourselves up to happiness so that when it leaves, it doesn’t take all of us with it.”

Her words sank into the darkness of the room.

“Or, wait, no,” Felicity said. “If Oliver… breaks up with me, yeah, I’ll be devastated, and I’ll probably cry for days, and the part of me that was only me around him will be gone. But I don’t think that means I’m less of a person if he leaves. I won’t be left with like, only a few pieces of my heart or something. Pretty sure I’m stronger than that.”

“You definitely are.”

“Thanks,” her friend said, smiling. “So I guess what I’m trying to say is... we try to protect ourselves from that one painful moment we think we won’t be strong enough to withstand. For me it’s Oliver breaking up with me for whatever reason. For you it’s disappointing Barry. And we sort of obsess over it, that painful moment, because we want to do anything to prevent it. And when we do that we forget to enjoy whatever’s happening now. Or that even if that moment does happen, we can and will survive it.”

“Like having tunnel vision,” Caitlin murmured. “Being scared of the pain is like having tunnel vision. You stop seeing possibilities around you.”

“Yeah,” Felicity said. “Yeah, something like that.”

“You’re saying that I should give this thing with Barry a real chance, aren’t you?”

Felicity grinned. “I’m saying that, or you are?”

“Touché.”

“I’m not saying it’ll be easy,” she said. “You guys have a lot to talk about. I mean, flowers and chocolates and teddy bears are sweet, but they’re just not your thing.”

“So I heard. Apparently it’s common knowledge for everyone besides him.”

“You’ll think of something,” Felicity said. “I think he’s just excited now so he can’t think straight, but he means well. He really wants to make you happy.”

“I suppose so.”

“And if he can’t see you behind all those romantic notions of his, believe me, I’ll be the first one to tell you to stop trying.”

Caitlin gave her friend a smile. “Thanks.”

There was a lull in the conversation.

“Think we should go to sleep now?”

“Yeah, we probably should,” Felicity said, pulling her blankets to her chin. “Oh, before I forget, Oliver says thanks for the Smirnoff.”

“Tell him he’s welcome.”

“You traitors,” Felicity yawned. “Scheming behind my back.”

“Good night to you too, Felicity.”

Her friend smiled and buried her face in her pillow. “Good night, Cait.”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #382

“’cuz if i stand up, i’ll break my bones, and everybody loves to see a fall unfold”

Ever had a friend online for a long time without seeing a photo of them? Well yeah. Most of my friends are online, and while I've seen pictures of most at least once or twice, some I still haven't. The last time you threw up, what caused it? It was a side effect of a mood stabilizer I started. Any foods from other countries you would like to try but haven’t yet? I'm sure there's something, idk. Do you think the world would be more peaceful without any religion? Yes. Have you ever had a stalker? No. Does it hurt your feelings when people talk shit about things you love? It makes me self-conscious way more than anything. I start to obsess over whether or not the person things poorly or weirdly of me for liking what I like. I just feel judged for liking it, but that's my problem. Do you like it when people give you nicknames? I do, actually. It feels kinda affectionate to me. Do you often find yourself checking out people’s butts? Haha I'm not gonna say it's never happened, but it's not something I make a habit out of for sure. What fandoms are you in? MEERKAT MANOR IS BACK BAYBEEEE, Markiplier, Silent Hill, Shadow of the Colossus, World of Warcraft, Spyro, Wings of Fire, and lots more, honestly. I'm into a lot of stuff, and I don't love in moderation, haha. Are there any fandoms you used to be in, but left? Yeah, like Supernatural, Good Mythical Morning, or Warriors, but it wasn't out of "I don't like it anymore" or anything, I just drifted away. Anything the fans in your fandoms do that pisses you off? World of Warcraft if particular has one of the most toxic fucking fanbases. There are so many goddamn elitists and people who whine about "boohoo WoW is dying" and "omg this game has been trash since Wrath" and yada yada yada and it's annoying as hell. They always find some shit to complain about. Then Silent Hill... ugh. I think people just hop onto the "the series sux after 1-4" bandwagon to fit in with a certain crowd, but that's not the main thing that annoys me; rather, it's the fact the former main admin of the SH wiki made a fucking joke out of us there. He was clearly having personal issues and made a HUGE and utterly ridiculous deal of Silent Hill 4 having heavy symbolism to the main character being obsessed with the bullshit idea of him being circumcised, and it led to a maaaassive thread of us members trying to talk some damn sense into him as he abused his power. He was finally banned by the Wikia staff, but not in time for some gaming websites to publish "news" stories about it because it was just that ludicrous. Now, YEARS later, we still get trolls coming onto the site to try and revive the drama by inserting absolute rubbish into pages or making new ones. Nowadays I'm the main administrator there, and it's fucking embarrassing sometimes. I'm supposed to keep the wiki under control and respected, you know? Ugh, I'll stop. I could rant for a very long time about this. Do you prefer ruffly or regular potato chips? Ruffly. Do you write down your own recipes, or just commit them to memory? I don’t cook. What color do you want to dye your hair? My top three are pastel pink, lilac, and a light creamsicle orange. I REALLY want to dye it SOMETHING. :( How do you like your chicken? Of course breaded (like nuggets, tenders) is my favorite, but I also enjoy is broiled and seasoned well. There's other ways, but because I don't cook, I, uh... don't know how a lot are made lmao. Do you enjoy cheese fries? UUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH YES. Do you eat refried beans? I absolutely hate beans, so no. What is a food you enjoy, but don’t have very often? A whole lot because a lot of it is from restaurants and we don't eat out all that much. As well, my diet is very narrow just because of how picky I am. Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn? Why? I mean, what are we comparing them for? I think Audrey is fucking gorgeous, though. Marilyn is also beautiful. Favorite fictional world? Uh, I dunno. Do you use lint rollers often? No. Do you carry pepper spray? No, but I want to. Has your power ever gone out for more than a day? I think so. Other than a dislike button, what’s something you wish Facebook had? Hm, I dunno. What time do your parents normally get home from work? Mom can't work right now, but I think Dad gets off around 5PM. Are you afraid to ask people out on dates? Yep. Do you think it’s better to look for love or let it find you? Both can work, but I definitely prefer to let it find me. I feel that *in general* that usually has better results. Have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment? No. I'm a very committed person romantically. Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? No. Have you ever had a rash from poison ivy? I don't believe so, no. Do you have any chairs in your bedroom? No. Did you watch Elmo as a child? Some, yeah. Do you know anyone who doesn’t eat meat? I don't think so, off the top of my head. When you throw up, do you cry? No, but I'm a whiner and will also shake from fear because I have such a phobia of vomiting. Doing it totally turns me into a baby. Who was the last person to carry you? I couldn't tell you the last person to full-on carry me, but back when I tore a ligament in my foot, my mom kinda had me lifted when she would help me walk. Is it easy for you to accept loss? Absolutely not. I handle it very, very poorly. Have you done anything sneaky lately? No. Have you ever had a rolling back pack? Yes. Who knows you better than anyone else? My mom, probably. Would you ever want to go to Brazil? Sure, if the opportunity came up. Are there any medical conditions that run in your family? A lot, mostly heart problems. What band has the best guitar solos? Metallica imo. Who is the biggest jerk you've ever met? She was somehow my former best friend. Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I've never been in that situation, thankfully. What's a charity you would never donate to? I'm really not familiar enough with charities and their practices to know which ones are sketch or not. Have you ever grown your own herbs? No. Do you have any exes you'd consider dating again? Yes. What were some of your favorite classes you took in high school? Art and German. Mythology was fun, too. Do you know anyone with a profession in law? Yeah, I have a cousin that's a lawyer. Have you ever Googled yourself? Yeah, outta curiosity. What's the shortest amount of time you've had between relationships? Like, two days. Part of the reason I left Girt was because I liked Sara. As a child, what comfort foods did your parents make for you when you were sick with a cold or flu? Chicken noodle soup. What's a movie series where the sequel was better than the original? Ha, for some reason Inspector Gadget came to mind. I guess from mentioning my childhood. I was FUCKING OBSESSED with that movie as a kid. The first one's fine, but I love the second one. Does your car have heated seats? Mom's doesn't. What is the strangest pizza topping you've ever eaten? Nothing strange, really. Describe your hometown. What’s it like there? Small and dangerous. Lots of run-down areas. A gang nearly broke into our house once, if that helps you get the picture. What was the last video game you beat? I replayed Silent Hill 2 forever ago. What did you learn from your last failed relationship? It really just taught me that you need to take care of your own mental health before you can effectively handle another's properly and strike a healthy balance. What country does your favorite band hail from? Britain. What’s something on your to-do list that never actually gets done? Finish decorating my room. -_- Have you ever been really passionate about something but then lost interest? If so, what was it? Good Mythical Morning, I suppose. I used to be OB-SESSED. I still adore Rhett and Link as people, they are fucking wonderful human beings and excellent entertainers, I just drifted away from their content. I don't really know why. Do you sleep with the TV or the radio on? No. What’s the worst thing about being male/female (whichever you are)? Menstrual cycles, I'd say. It affects your mood so much, and as someone who's bipolar, it can be very confusing. I like to know why I'm feeling a certain way. What movie has the best special effects? /shrug How many work hours per week is too much for you? I wouldn't know, I've never really worked long enough to figure this out. Can you remember your first day of school? I think I have the faintest memory of it. I know I was very scared to leave my mom (I had absolutely awful separation anxiety from her) and I MIGHT have cried, but I don't really recall with certainty. Have you ever entered a modelling competition? Would you? No thanks. Did you keep any drawings/stories from when you were younger? Most, no, because the level of cringe is LITERALLY unbearable for me. Do you have a safe? Mom does somewhere. What’s the scariest thing to happen to you so far? The breakup. That night was just fucking terrifying. I was so certain my life was over, like the situation was so, so impossible in my head. What was your last dream about? (or your daydream if you don’t remember) My memory's faint, but I just remember I had a nightmare where a LOT of my bones were totally snapped in half. When was the last time you saw a relative? Excluding my immediate family, I last saw my now-departed grandmother and my uncle a while back at a hotel as they were passing through. Have you ever been in a TV audience? No. Are you in any way close to reaching a personal goal? Not really... Do you prefer crosswords or word searches? Word searches. Do you like making collages? Not really. Do you remember any inside jokes from childhood? No. What would you love to learn to do? Digital art, like drawing on a tablet. Do you prefer monkeys or lemurs? Lemurs. Do you watch movies based on the actors or the movie plot? The plot, 100%. Are you more shy in real life or on the internet? I am WAY more shy irl.

[phantomdarksgirl]

[dusts off blog]

what up

I just finished reading BOTH The Hollow Earth trilogy and its sequel, The Orion Chronicles and my brain won’t shut up, so I’m gonna make this post.

Without going into spoilers, Hollow Earth was FANTASTIC. It’s been a while since I’ve had a book captivate me as much as the premise and plot of that trilogy have, which is why I was spurred to read The Orion Chronicles. I just wanted more adventures with Matt and Em and wasn’t quite ready to pick up another universe just yet.

The Orion Chronicles books were good, and I do still recommend them, but...man I just have THOUGHTS so spoilers ahead this is gonna be a long one.

The tone shift from Hollow Earth to Orion Chronicles makes sense to me. Matt and Em are 17 now. They’re more mature, growing up. Fine.  But I felt like the writing itself suffered from the change of publishers.  The style itself felt the same, but the pacing was all over the place, especially, I felt, in the third book.  There were places in the third book that were inconsistent from an editing standpoint, and passages I had to read twice because I was confused at omitted details that needed to be inferred.  I never had to do that with the first trilogy. Omitted details were easily inferred and not confusing to the narrative when done so.

I felt some crucial scenes and arguments we should have seen play out were just...glossed over. Like Em and Zach’s breakup and Em’s decision to stay with Matt instead of be bound to Zach. The overall premise of these books I felt was a wonderful expansion of the universe created in Hollow Earth, but I found its execution lacking, unfortunately.

And ESPECIALLY when it came to poor Zach.  There were times I was more interested in seeing the story from his perspective, to be honest, and we barely got anything until the third book. And even then I just have so many QUESTIONS that went unanswered.

Like....okay here’s a list

- How long has Zach been working for Orion? Did he join to find his mother? DId he know his mother was working for Orion before or AFTER joining? Was his decision to infiltrate the Carmarilla BECAUSE his mom was there?

- Was Zach always working for Cecilia during his infiltration? What was his in for this job? How did he climb the ranks so fast in a matter of months? Wasn’t Cecilia running the Carmarilla??

- When did Zach’s Animare powers start manifesting? You want me to believe in the 4 years between these series that he didn’t AT LEAST tell the twins about these powers? The ONLY OTHER PEOPLE in the world who are exactly like him? He wouldn’t be comfortable telling them or exploring those abilites with them? The entire first series they kept big secrets from the adults. Wouldn’t this just be another one?

- IS Zach even a hybrid? Sebina isn’t a guardian by definition. Tbh it’s not even clear what she really is since we never see her grow wings like Luca. If he’s not the product of a Guardian and an Animare, what IS he?

- If Vaughn is actually Zach’s dad, what the FUCK is Simon in relation to him? How did he come into the picture? Did Vaughn not raise him because of his Orion work? Did Simon KNOW Zach wasn’t his? I could swear Zach was described as looking like Simon in the first trilogy but I can’t remember clearly.

- Was his internship at the MOMA just his cover for his Orion work? I’m guessing so, but that wasn’t really cleared up.

- Did he ACTUALLY send Em’s portrait back or was it just a return to sender type deal? idk man that’s a nitpicky one but whatever.

- Where did Luca even TAKE them at the end of the book? Is he acting like Zach is his son too? Is Zach staying with Sebina now?

- Zach and Em were together for FOUR YEARS and you want me to believe now that they were just in lust that whole time? When Em mentioned she would break the Animare/Guardian child rules for him? I get she’s young and maybe blinded a little...but you REALLY want me to believe she was just in lust with Zach after everything they’ve been through? And she’s gonna be with Remy now instead?

This is ON TOP OF the fact that they spent three books building up Em’s longing for Zach and mentioning Zach’s hurt in the few chapters we get with him, ONLY for him to just...basically not acknowledge Em, WHO IS BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE IN FRONT OF HIM I MIGHT ADD, or even talk to her.  There was no reunion or resolution of their conflict despite 3 books of build-up and I’m MAD ABOUT IT. The one time these two characters are in the same room and you’re telling me they don’t even have an awkward “hey glad you’re okay” moment? It felt so out of character for Zach, and it was difficult to understand his motives beyond getting close to his mother again.

And his whole hybrid-ness felt...not exactly shoe-horned in, but not quite thought out either.  I’m hoping more books are coming (hopefully written from Zach’s perspective!) that might shed light on this, but for now I’m just confused as to what his mother is as well as what he is.  And I’m bothered he was attached to his mother in the final scene we see him in when the only woman he ever loved (as mentioned in the book) was literally dead and brought back before his eyes.

I’m just confused and disappointed by Zach’s character arc. He’s the only main character from the first trilogy that feels like he got pushed to the wayside. The adults like Simon, Sandie, Jeannie, and Renard I can understand...but Zach deserved so much better imo. I was waiting for an awkward and heartfelt conversation between him and Em that never happened.

Again, I attribute some of this to the change in publishers.  While Hollow Earth had 2 years between the release of books, Orion Chronicles had 2 years between book 1 and book 3. That’s TIGHT deadlines imo, which would explain why things felt rushed or unpolished.

And it just makes me wonder what this series could have been if they had been given the time to edit and polish more thoroughly.  There were even places where lore they established in the first trilogy got ret-conned or ignored in the second, and while those details may be minor and forgotten over the period of writing (I get it that authors forget details sometimes), it still took away my enjoyment of the story on top of everything else.

Here are more questions not related to Zach:

- Renard and Jeannie BOTH left the islands at one point in the plot. Why were the islands still fine before Em, a descendent of Albion, showed up?

- Remy was able to save Em but not the Moor? Could he only conjure enough music to save one of them? Was the Moor’s head wound too severe to be saved? Why did he suffer NO repercussions from literally bringing someone back from the dead when he was nosebleeding over easier conjurations earlier?

- How does the reviving process work? Can Em not be out of range of Remy anymore or she’ll die again? The zombies he animated dropped dead when the music stopped. Where does the process bring a soul back vs an empty husk/zombie? Can it only be fresh corpses, I assume? (WHICH BRINGS ME BACK TO THE MOOR TBH)

- How did Orion know Luca was going to attack the abbey and the headquarters? Did Zach warn them ahead of time, or did they just use the tracking device? Is the damage he did reversible? (For a series talking about hiding the supernatural this certainly seemed out in the open and blatant. Actually...most everything Luca did was :T)

- IS Caravaggio bound in the cage Zach created for him? Is Zach powerful enough to do that? As a Guardian/Animare hybrid (we assume), that might be possible, but again...it’s unclear if he just put Caravaggio in a painting or if he’s actually bound this time.

- Is Matt gay or bi? That’s a nitpicky one but man I gotta know. I was so excited when he was into dudes. ONE OF US. ONE OF US.

- Speaking of Matt, where the FUCK did Lizzy come from? How did they meet? How did she come to the Abbey? Was she found by the Council? How are Animare and Guardians paired prior to their binding ritual? We never hear Matt telepath with her. She felt like a very one-note character that was shoved in for plot and never expanded on again. How long had she been with Matt and Em?

- Could the twins not join Orion if they were bound to guardians? Why did Matt feel it was a trap to be bound when he’s seen Guardians and Animare be apart before? (Like Sandie and Renard or Simon and Mara)

- What happened to Henrietta de Court? I assume she was arrested, but [shrugs]. We can infer Tanan died from the valerian root poisoning, but I wonder about her.

- How were the Watchers not bound to Hollow Earth by the monks of Era Mina? Is the Second Kingdom just like...another Hollow Earth or something?

- Matt’s eyes were a result of ‘time travel gone awry’...but why did it affect him and not Em? Both of them did about the same amount of time traveling in the first series. I would have been less skeptical about it if it was a result of unbinding Malcolm after the time travel, or like...even an incident after the first trilogy of Matt being reckless, but having it just be a time travel incident was vague and unsatisfying to me.

Overall, would I still recommend these books? Sure. I just wish the second trilogy was more polished like the first one felt, is all.

Zach Butler deserved better I will die on this hill. WHERE’S MY ZACH TRILOGY (or at least a book tbh)

(I definitely DO recommend the Hollow Earth trilogy though. I thought it was wonderful.)