#bro is struggling to stay relevant on screen

[galactic-space]

“What if danny went feral on dash” “what if Danny absolutely scares dash” “what if-“

Ok… I love that, but imagine Danny no longer can afford to care about dash or any of his gang because he’s more afraid of being fucking killed by a crazy villain or something?

Like Danny is walking though school after a crazy intense scene, only to be shoulder bumped by dash followed by “watch where you are fenturd”

Like yea Danny would totally go around and have a locker open right at dashes face, but it’s just a small comedic moment to lighten the dark mood with Danny.

Like you see how Danny- nor the narrative- focuses on dash and Danny’s “bully and bullied” relationship because that’s no longer on Danny’s mind. Dash has no room for him, and it’s only after a bunch of episodes later does dash actually confront Danny about his weird…. Weird bs.

Cuz dash is THE MAN. Fenton is his favorite punching bag, but it’s hard to punch a bag that seems to be already dealing with another asshole pushing him around ( though who? Dash could only guess )

Only to be blown off by danny because dammit dash not now I’m in the middle of something

And we see how dash realizes that he’s no longer scary. Fenton isn’t scared of him anymore and he hates that. Cuz what on gods green earth has Fenton all high n mighty with his bs? Bullshit

So of Course dash tries to teach Danny a lesson

And only THEN does the “Danny scaring dash” comes in.

Cuz dash tried to swing, Danny dodged and had to literally grab him close and spell it out to him to leave me alone

And fuck, dash wouldn’t care if it wasn’t for the intense look in fentons eyes. That’s the look of someone who’s going though it right now

Maybe dash tries to double down, but Danny won’t let him

In the end, dash needs to step away, cuz it ain’t gonna end good for him if he doesn’t

But that doesn’t mean he’s gonna give up. Cuz now he’s curious.

What the fuck has gotten Fenton all tied up in a twist, huh?

There, we now have a small dash arc or something idk

TLDR: Hes basically having to fight for his time on screen because dash is no longer important to the story and he’s becoming aware of how he’s slowly being phased out, and wants back in

[codylabs]

Wall-E

Bro there’s so many things I love about that movie. Ima gush for a couple minutes here and assume you’ve seen it and know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, uh, go away.

Anyway, Wall-E wasn’t my favorite movie as a kid (that distinction belongs to Treasure Planet or the Incredibles), but I’ll say that it’s one of my favorite movies now, and as for child-me, this movie was the first movie that really disturbed me.

To start off, it really is a very pure breed of scifi, something along the veins of Star Trek and Asimov and Orwell, that doesn’t just tell a fun story with spaceships, but actually uses the future as a lens to examine present, relevant social and technological trends. A lot of people praise it for vilifying capitalism and corporation, because that’s hip nowadays, but it’s really so much more damning than that, because capitalism hardly has anything to do with it; the movie is confronting consumerism itself. People, you and me, we don’t buy things that we need, things that are healthy and fulfilling, no, we buy things that we want. And so often what we want is to make our lives easier and more pleasurable. But pleasure and ease aren’t always good for us. A person needs action, labor, work, and all the passions that arise from it. We humans have labor and rest, struggle and triumph, hate and love, dirt and grass and blue skies, written into our very souls, and when you take those things away, we start to become less human. Extrapolate a civilization-wide greed for leisure and effortlessness out hundreds of years, take consumerism to its logical extreme, and we can see how the world of Wall-E could perhaps come into being, and we can see the problems with it, and see the monstrously lethargic thing it becomes. Never have I seen a more poignant and frightening portrayal of a post-scarcity society than in that movie, and the philosophical implications of it all make me question progress as a concept itself.

And now that I rewatched it recently, I realized there’s so many DETAILS in the movie! There’s so much of the story that’s not explained but that you can see just by looking. The derelict incinerator cranes that broke down in the middle of cutting through the garbage towers that the Wall-Es left. When EVE gets to Earth, she goes from scanning bare ground, to scanning plant-looking objects, to scanning hidden compartments and sheltered places, she literally has a whole on-screen, unspoken character arc of increasing desperation that takes her to the point where she’s even willing to spare a few minutes from the mission to talk with Wall-E. The shuttle that brought EVE has a bridge where human crew would go, but there’s no human crew. The overcomplicated mechanisms aboard the ship are built with spectacle and bureaucracy in mind rather than efficiency, almost as if materials and parts had become cheaper on Earth than competent engineers. And in the Captain’s quarters where there’s the line of profiles showing all the previous captains and their dates of service, you can see their lifespans are unnaturally long but getting shorter.

And then the SYMBOLISM. The MOTIFS. The plant is stored through the movie in a old-fashioned working boot, representing the sort of lifestyle needed to care for it. Wall-E is the only living thing in the universe that still loves and thinks and dances and sings, sings songs about unbridled, optimistic passion and joy, and the song and dance are the very methods by which he connects with others and wakes them out of their stupors. For most of the movie EVE cares about Wall-E only insofar as he either helps her or stays out of the way of her mission, and it takes a movie’s worth of friendship and kindness (and a security recording of all the things he did for her during her hibernation after she’d thought her mission was over) for her to come around to seeing him as worth something on his own. The Captain is the first human to realize the full error of mankind, and the first to once again make decisions and tough choices on his own, and his character arc climaxes in him wrestling with mankind’s steering wheel, and then being the first human to walk again, which (I don’t care how funny it is) is a scene powerful enough to cry at.

It just

IDK man.

Wall-E hits hard.

(And of course there’s the other great things about the movie, like the romance and the relationships and the ingenious wordless dialogue and the dancing scene and the great character designs including dirt box, sexy egg, and angry dice, but everybody loves those already so I’ll just gush about the story for now.)

Someday I’ll draw a sequel comic or something because this movie man.

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: The Anime (pt. 5)

The anime is a different species than the manga, something that frequently happens during the adaptation from page to screen. Since they’re so different, I’ll analyze them separately.

In the previous section, we discussed how a new element has joined the story: Ruka and Natsume's growing tensions and jealousy over liking the same girl, and the effect it could have on their friendship. This is done a little differently in the anime, and in this part, I'll discuss the ramifications for Natsume's feelings and the consequences it has on his friendship with Ruka as well as the approval of Persona. There is also an equally important aspect of Mikan's feelings, frequently neglected in a narrative sense, and how they are growing stronger for Natsume as well.

Episode 20 vs. Chapter 25 & 26

This carries onto episode twenty, the Dance episode. This episode combines two chapters to accommodate length. In general, the anime doesn’t really explore what it means for Natsume to be a principal student, like sitting on stage with the other principals. There’s a lot unsaid here that is more important in the manga.

Even more, the last episode tied up some loose ends, or at least attempted to, in regards to the tension of the musical. In the manga, those tensions are still an open wound that nobody in the love triangle wants to touch. The anime still has some of them, but to a much lesser extent. They’ve made up and had fun between then and now.

And Mikan is completely uninterested in the Last Dance, seemingly, but spends a lot of time wondering about why others care about it, almost as if she wants to care so she can fit in. Anna and Nonoko have their crushes, the fan club girls are as obsessed with Natsume and Ruka as ever, and even Hotaru has a horde of admirers, even if she’s uninterested in them. Mikan feels left out, just like she always does, just for the sake of being different.

(One of my favorite tropes is when Person A is talking about their love life or lack thereof and the next person that shows up next just so happens to be their soulmate.)

The tensions between Natsume, Ruka, and Mikan are focus in the manga. In the anime, they’re watered down. Mikan is interested in dancing with both of them, unlike in the manga, where she desperately wants to avoid them. Mikan is more oblivious in the anime than in the manga, as a result. Manga!Mikan can feel the tension, and knows things are different now, because they’re weird! She’s a very intuitive and emotional girl and she can sense shifts and changes better than anyone. In the anime, she’s not as uncomfortable; she just wants to have a good time with her friends.

Interestingly, even though it was Ruka he pushed, it’s Mikan who’s watching him leave in the frame…

Just like in the manga, Natsume literally pushes Ruka into dancing with Mikan and they have a lot of fun dancing together before Mikan starts dancing with others. Hotaru’s “blessing” (or whatever that scene is) is a lot more obvious in the anime, with her actually requesting a “Mikan cake”, and neglecting some of the demanding, blackmailing atmosphere of the chapter. In the anime, Mikan actually seeks out Natsume and asks him to dance. In the manga, she is upset with him, but in the anime Mikan doesn’t hold grudges. She’s not tense at all and is willing to be the one to break the coldness between them. He naturally responds in the negative and insults her and they fight again, culminating in the infamous “Mikan” and “don’t care about what I call you anymore; that’s my last wish.”

Natsume: *says 2 syllables* // Mikan: *falls in love with him*

Even the anime has to concede that Natsume won with that one, lol.

Anyway, the anime also includes Ruka meeting up with Natsume and them fighting over who’d get Mikan (“You can have her, bro.” “No, bro, she likes you.” “No, bro--”), even though it’s not their decision. Even if they somehow decided Ruka would win, or Natsume would win, it’s ultimately up to Mikan to figure out who she has feelings for.

And award for best friendship in the history of all media ever goes to--

This is where the tension from the previous episode takes center stage. There’s discord and insecurity here, but not any real malice or resentment. They’re just boys and this is the first girl either of them has ever liked, and it just so happens to be the same girl. They’re best friends and they love each other, but this is a complication neither of them anticipated. Naturally, they don’t know how to communicate it, but they both know how the other feels anyway because they know each other so well they don’t need to be told. They fight that Mikan will pick the other for the Last Dance and then a very cute moment follows when Hotaru reveals she picked Mikan for the Last Dance and both of the boys start laughing. It ends, focusing on Hotaru and Mikan’s friendship and Natsume and Ruka’s friendship. They’re kids after all, and should be focusing on having fun and being children whenever they have the chance. Romance and complicated love triangles can wait. I really like this addition.

Episode 21 vs. Chapter 27

Just like in the manga, Natsume is bad at sticking to his word and he still engages with Mikan in the next episode. He still helps others with studying because of her example, and goes along with the whole class in study mode, even if he is half-assing the actual exams.

Mikan and Sumire have a plot element added, to supplement their new friendship from the Reo Arc. Sumire can’t cook and has given up on exams. Even though Mikan desperately wants the honor student award so she can see her grandpa, she sacrifices her study time to spend the whole night helping Sumire with cooking, even though she herself isn’t so talented either. This further helps showcase that Mikan is helpful, and that she is willing to sacrifice what she wants so that other people can have happiness too. Just like she was willing to leave the school she fought so hard to keep open so she can see her best friend in the first episode, she’s willing to wait a little more to see Jii-chan if it means she can help Sumire.

“Nice girlfriend you have there. Sure would be a shame if something happened to her.”

However, despite all the sweetness of Mikan’s plot, someone is watching Natsume interact with the group and more specifically with Mikan (though in the anime, it’s Persona, not the ESP), and Natsume gets warned by Persona to stay away from Mikan.

Episode 22 & Chapter 28

He does just that in the next episode, staying away from and (as a result) bothering Mikan.

We are introduced to Kaname, Tsubasa’s sickly friend who has the life-shortening alice. He uses his alice anyway, because he likes making people happy, even if it comes at a cost. After all, he grew up lonely until he made Bear, so he wants others to not feel lonely.

But Kaname isn’t the only one with the life-shortening alice. Mikan is so distressed about her revelations that she acts out a little during her chores, hitting Natsume with her duster. He simply walks away, doing as he is told to keep her safe, because that dream he had in the Reo Arc is still relevant and because Persona’s warnings are fresh in his mind. Hanging out with her is bad for both of them. Mikan doesn’t know any of this, but thoughts about poisonous alices are all she can think about, and as he walks away from her, it occurs to her that he might be suffering just like Kaname. But whereas Kaname chooses to use his alice to make others happy, Natsume has no such choice. He is forced to use it, and his life is much shorter as a result.

Sadly, once Mikan starts really liking Natsume, he's always walking away from her.

In the manga, we do get a glance of Natsume’s suffering and reliance on pain meds to get through the night, but it’s a bit different in the anime. We see him lying on his bed, struggling with the pain. But why night? The truth is that Natsume feels like that almost all the time. It’s only when he’s alone in his room that he can be honest and really let himself feel it. He doesn’t have to hide it for someone else’s sake, or to give off the impression that he is totally fine.

Summary

In this section, we discussed the consequences for Natsume's growing feelings for Mikan, and the added complication that Ruka likes her too, as well as the fact that Mikan is starting to develop feelings for Natsume as well. His illness and status as child soldier are sadly all too present, and Natsume is paralleled with Kaname in Episode 22 and then is paralleled with the mistreated lion in the circus arc, which is what I'll be discussing next, in the final part of the anime analysis.

<- Previous Part Next Part ->

[hitbythunder]

The Roll of Thunder -1

A Thor x Reader and later some Loki x Reader story

Summary: After Frigga's and Loki's deaths, Thor struggles with his grief and blames himself for the loss. Barely able to manage his emotions, the god helps the other heros on Earth so that he can stay away from Asgard - a place which only reminds him of his pain. When the team acquires a golden sphere from a mission, however, Thor is forced to deal with his past. She has black hair, pale skin and a pair of emerald eyes which haunt the god in his dreams. Could she be Loki?

Warnings: non-con in later chapters

~º*º*º~

With a clank, Thor put his mighty hammer down beside his seat and walked over to the elongated box on the other side of the jet. A familiar blue light emitted from the box and Thor observed it's valuable content closely. Made of pure gold and a vibranium core, adorned with fine engravings and a sharp blade at it's end, crowned by the glistening blue stone embedded between, his brother's scepter lay proudly before him.

Loki... Thor pondered over the past and his heart grew heavy at the thought of his brother and all that had happened between them, all the pain the Trickster had caused him and others. Many matters were left unspoken between them and Thor often thought about what he would like to tell his brother if they met once more. But Loki was dead.

It had been a year since the fight against Malekith and his scum but whole New York was still recovering, most of the citizens trying to forget the horrors of the battle. Thor however could never forget how he held his dying brother in his arms, on the yellow dusty earth or Svartalfheim. And the scepter just reminded him of the fallen prince – his brother – who died a hero.

***

Smoothly the jet landed on the platform of Stark Tower and the hatch opened while Steve turned off the engine. Another important mission was complete, the dangerous scepter under the Avenger's custody and out of Hydra's hands, much to everyone's relief. Carefully, Thor grabbed the box while Steve carried some other artifacts they had seized from the Hydra base and they exited the jet.

"Good job everyone!" Steve cheered when they entered the living room of the new built top of the tower and Tony walked straight towards the bar. "Yes, let's celebrate it with a drink or two!" "Where shall I put this, Anthony?" Thor asked in a stern voice, did he not share the joy of his friends and Tony frowned silently at being called so formally by the god.

"Oh yeah, best we bring all of the artifacts over into my lab for some testing. I'll come with you!" he replied and washed the rest of his drink down.

“So how long are you planning to stay?” Tony asked casually when they were alone in his lab, knowing that the god will take the weapon with him to Asgard. “Do not fret, you shall have enough time to study the powers of the scepter as I shall dwell some more on Midgard. There is little that wiles me to return to Asgard.” Thor replied and Tony could tell that the big blonde had still some trouble dealing with his grief, had he not only lost his brother but his mother too.

“Great. I'm curious as to what Bruce and I are going to tease out of that thing!” Tony cheered, eager to lay hands on the golden weapon. “So what are your plans for the weekend? Going to visit Jane?” the scientist added while attaching some wires and sensors to the scepter. Thor hesitated to answer.

“No...I don't think so...” he finally said, attracting part of Tony's attention. “Sounds like there is trouble in paradise? I told you, wearing mother's drapes isn't en vogue any more.” Again the Thunderer didn't respond at once. “I fear she loves her science more than me and with each day we grow apart further. … “ Thor's face was stern as he looked outside the window but at nothing in particular. He loved Jane and admired her intelligence but the flame that burnt inside him when they met was dying out slowly. Tony had not a clue what to respond, had he always avoided such situations. “I shall retire for tonight. Good night, my friend.” Thor added and left the scientist alone, seeking the solitude of his room.

***

Tony had worked for three hours now but he still did not feel tired at all as he was too excited to discover the powers and secrets of the scepter. Bruce had joined him two hours ago and together they run several tests and analyzed the weapon from every possible angle. They were “science-bros”, as Natasha called them justifiably. “Hey, Tony, what's with that golden sphere over here?” Bruce asked all of a sudden and eyed the large metal ball – it's diameter were approximately four feet – in front of him while Tony walked over. “I found it near the scepter but I have no idea what it is.” Tony replied and they both shared a wicked grin. “Then let's find out!” Although they worked for another two hours, the mysterious golden ball kept them busy even the entire next day but no test would reveal it's secret or any relevant information at all. “Still playing with that over-sized football?” Natasha joked at dinner while Clint chuckled at the moody scientists. “It's definitely no football from what we do know.” Tony quipped and stabbed the steak on his plate with the fork harshly. “We've run every possible test and tried to open it but all in vain. We know it's most likely hollow inside and the shell is of vanadium and gold on top, preventing us to get through.” Bruce explained and looked hopefully to Thor when he added: “And you don't recognize it?” The blonde shook his head. “I have never laid eyes upon something like that. Maybe it is from another world but with only so little information it is hard to tell.” Bruce nodded and returned to the food on his plate, as did the rest of the team. Dinner continued in silence until it was interrupted by the familiar voice of the friendly AI.

“Excuse me, Sir, but my sensors report some stirring from the sphere.” “Thanks Jarvis!” Tony said and jumped off his stool to head towards the lab, followed by his friends.

Inside the dim-lit lab, the golden ball was not on the large table where they had left it before. Instead it was floating freely in the middle of the room, surrounded by the tables and screens, the wires that had been attached all strewn around the floor.

“That's interesting...” Tony muttered as he stepped closer to the ball. “Be careful.” Bruce said from behind but of course that did not stop a Stark. Slowly he reached forward to touch the slightly glowing ball and upon contact, Tony was surprised even more. “It's warm.” “What? But it was ice-cold before dinner.” Bruce assessed and stepped closer too, readjusting his glasses as he eyed the ball suspiciously.

I'm gonna crack you eventually... Tony thought, determined to run a few more tests.

***

After a long shower, Thor sat alone on the bed in his darkened room and stared once more outside the window, the thousands of tiny lights from the buildings illuminating the night sky. Midgard and the Stark Tower had become his second home and Thor did not regret his decision to decline his right to the throne. But what kept his mind restless was the fact that he had probably lost Jane to her work in exchange for his adventures with the Avengers. He couldn't blame her since they rarely saw each other but it pained him to admit that he had no true companion, no love in his life anymore. With his mother and brother dead, there was only his father left but they had never shared a loving bond. Of course there were plenty of pretty (and willing) women on Midgard, more enough to satisfy his every desire but Thor didn't make use of them. At least for now, his grieving heart was still smothering such needs. He was truly glad that they had secured the scepter but he was tired of the fighting, his whole body drained by the last weeks efforts and thus he put the phone which he held in his large hand back onto the nightstand.

No, I don't want to see Jane this weekend...or any other day, he thought and lay down, hoping that sleep would ease his tormented mind.

***

It was long after midnight when the AI woke the Thunderer from his slumber, informing him that his presence was requested in the lab. From the alarmed tone of Jarvis voice, Thor knew something was amiss and thus he quickly summoned Mjolnir into his hand, the splendid Asgardian armor appearing just upon contact with the hammer's hilt, and hurried towards the lab. “What's going on?” Steve called as he followed the Aesir but it was Natasha who answered him, running behind them. “I suppose Tony screwed it up!” Inside the lab, the lights were out and only the golden glow from the sphere illuminated the room. Bruce frantically typed something on the computer while Tony just got up from the floor in front of the sphere, wearing his right iron-man arm. “Tony, what happened?!” Steve yelled when the rest of the Avengers exited the elevator. “Maybe it's a bomb. We tried to drill it out but some sort of defensive mechanism fired back.” Bruce explained, hiding some more behind the table while Tony was about to try again. “Full power, Jarvis.” “Yes, Sir.”

“WHAT?!” Natasha and Clint said in unison. “Tony stop that!!” Steve yelled and walked over to drag him away from the perceived danger. “If it's a bomb you will kill us all!” “Oh, don't be so dramatic, Cap!” Tony retorted but had no chance when he was seized and carried away from the golden sphere. "Hey! Get me down, you groper!" “Can you disarm it?” Clint asked when he was at Bruce's side but the scientist only shook his head. “We have no idea how that thing works.” “Then we should get it out of here.” Steve suggested while he held Tony in place, denying him to get one step closer to the sphere. “Sorry, pal, the damned thing won't move an inch. We've tried.” Tony said and yanked himself free from the Captain's hold.

“Maybe it has some sort of connection to the scepter. It could be a secret weapon that Loki brought to earth when-” Bruce began but was interrupted by Thor abruptly. “You think this is another of my brother's schemes?” Thor was furious, had he wished never to speak ill of his sibling but that hope was destroyed by that damned golden ball. Admittedly, Thor wouldn't be surprised that his brother hid another deadly weapon for his conquer of Midgard and as he stepped closer to the sphere he realized that some of the engravings were an old dialect of Asgardian. His face became blank as his hurt turned into wild rage, storming inside him.

“Thor? What are you doing?” Natasha asked cautiously, had she sensed the chance of the god's mood and expression. “I recognize some of the engravings although I can not grasp their meaning. Nevertheless, weapon or bomb, it must be destroyed and I shall see to it now.” Thor replied sternly, his voice rumbling low in his chest and he lifted Mjolnir above his head, lightning surrounding the hammer's head instantly.

“Thor no!” Tony yelled and Steve just caught him in time to stop him from getting too close. “No, don't! THOR!”

But it was too late, his last words never reaching the god's ears as he brought the hammer down with one vigorous blow and unleashing a bolt of lightning upon the sphere. The whole lab was illuminated, the white light of the bolt glaring the others so that they had to avert their gaze and cover their eyes for protection. The gold and vibranium began to glow, first orange then red, as the energy washed over the metal ball and Thor continued for another few seconds before he withdrew his hammer. He watched the ball's color changed back to normal and the surface smoking slightly but not damaged – much to his dissatisfaction.

“Are you insane?! You could have get us all killed!” Tony yelled once he dared to open his eyes again. “So it's not a bomb...” Bruce assessed and readjusted his glasses. “Maybe if Thor and I try together -” “NO, Tony!” Steve and Natasha yelled at Tony who held up his arms in defense. “Just an idea..relax!” The Avengers started quarreling about what to do with the mysterious ball since it couldn't be moved nor opened, their voices drowning out the clicking sound coming from the sphere. “Sir, the surface of the sphere is moving, apparently it's opening up.” Jarvis informed them and they all turned in surprise to have a look, forgetting about their arguing.

The ball glowed once more and lowered itself down onto the ground. The golden surface peeled off like the petals of a rose opening for it to bloom, one by one and from the inside, a thick, silver liquid leaked onto the stone floor, forming a puddle around the ball.

“Eeewww...” Tony watched with disgust as his floor was spoiled but he fell silent when he saw that something else was inside the ball. And when the sphere was fully opened, the Avengers gasped in astonishment at what revealed itself before their eyes. Covered from head to toe in the silver liquid, a female sat on the golden petals, the fluid concealing the details of her naked body. From what they could see, she was quite small and slim, her lovely features accompanied by a sweet nose. Curiosity took them over and the team slowly walked closer to the strange woman. “Not all at once.” Bruce whispered and motioned for the others to stay behind and let him talk to her first. He knew pretty well how to handle wild creatures after all.

“Hello there...” he said calmly, kneeling down a few feet away from her and watched as she rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand, removing the silver liquid from her face and her shoulder-length black hair. Thor's mind tried frantically to recall some myth or tale from Asgard regarding a woman coming out of a golden ball but in vain. So he just stared at her but griped his hammer tightly, ready to strike if she should try to harm Bruce. It was then, that she opened her eyes the very first time, beholding her surroundings and the creatures in front of her and Thor's jaw almost dropped to the floor. Under thin strands of raven-black slick hair, a stark contras to her pale complexion, emerged a pair of sparkling emerald green orbs.

 Loki?

[all-things-skam]

Jens’ season: chapter eight

Saturday, February 22nd

Jens had fucked up. He knew he had fucked up, but watching Lucas leave, turn his back and walk away from him, wasn’t any less painful. Every time he closed his eyes, Jens saw the disappointment and betrayed look on Lucas’ face.

He didn’t even go out with the boys after Lucas left, too upset to have fun with his friends. And, if he had gone, he would've tried to drink his mistake away and Jens knew that it was not the best way to deal with it. Leaning on a vice had already gotten him in trouble and had cost him Lucas, did he really want to make it worse and fuck up even more?

So, he stayed home and laid in his bed, curled up and moping like a teenage girl during her first breakup. He stared at his phone, hoping to see Lucas’ name on the screen. A message, a call. Anything. Sadly, he only got texts from the Broerrs group chat, asking where he was and if he was still coming or not.

Jens didn’t reply nor opened their messages, he just let them roll in.

When morning came, a gray light casted into his room through the still open curtains, dimly illuminating the foot of his bed. Jens didn’t know what time it was, but he could make out his mother and sister’s voices outside his door, Lotte calling out about a lost doll she wanted to take over to a friend’s house.

In other times, he would’ve laughed and called her a messy person, but Jens didn't have the heart to tease his sister.

Extending his hand across his mattress, he reached for his phone, the battery flashing 10%, and dialing Lucas’ number. It was the fifth time he called the Dutch boy since last night and, just like the first time, it went to voicemail.

Jens sighed. If only Lucas would give him a second chance. To explain. What was there to explain though? He couldn’t just say that he was out of weed and took a Xanax instead. While it was true, that it was how it started, it wouldn’t be good enough of an excuse for Lucas.

He had promised himself after messing up with Jana that in his next relationship, he was going to be more honest. Jens seemed to have forgotten about that promise... Him and Lucas had not even been together two weeks and already he had lied to him and driven him away.

Shit, he deserved a trophy for the shortest relationship ever. Even Robbe’s relationship with Noor lasted longer than that.

.

Afternoon seeped in and Jens felt himself slipping into desperation, craving any interactions from Lucas. He had been trying to find some way of getting a message through to Lucas, trying everything. He continued to call and text him - despite getting no replies. He even went back to their old ways and sent him a DM via Instagram, but there was still no response.

Jens let out a desperate sigh. Even a 'read' check mark would be better than this radio silence. He was about to put his phone down, he felt it vibrate in his hands, messages from his friends flashing on his screen.

Aaron: Hey so what time are we meeting up for Jana’s party? Amber said the girls are taking her out to pre-party and then we should all come by later

Moyo: Lets meet at 9 and then go over

Moyo: We can pre-game at Robbe’s?

Shit. Today was Jana's birthday party - and Jens had completely forgotten about it. She was eighteen now. The big eighteen as they used to say. Jens remembered when they were in middle school and used to dream about this big day - and future party. Now that the time had come, her birthday date had completely slipped from his mind, no longer relevant to him anymore.

Aaron: Jens, you coming or you'll bail on us again?

He ignored the messages from his friends and stared at his ceiling. There was no way he was going to Jana’s party. He didn't feel like seeing her. Or anyone. He was feeling like shit and most likely looked like it too.

Plus, after ending things between them for good a couple weeks ago, Jens doubted she'd want to see him at her party. Nothing good could come from him going and, with the way he was feeling, it was just a recipe for disaster.

Jens clicked out of the chat and pulled up a contact. Robbe was the only person who responded 'present' when Jens needed someone. Someone to empty his feelings to and make everything seem right again. He dialled Robbe’s number, biting his lip as he waited. It rang three times...and went to voicemail.

Fuck, where was his best friend when he needed him?

.

Monday, February 24th

He saw Lucas in the halls on Monday. And, once Jens saw him, he couldn’t seem to be able to look away, eyes memorizing every feature of that beautiful face, knowing that he wouldn’t see it as often - nor as close - anymore.

A stupid smile formed on his face, only to fall and turn into sorrow seconds later. A week ago, Lucas would’ve turned in his direction and smiled - and maybe Jens would’ve blown him a kiss, making Lucas blush. But, today, Lucas had his back to him.

His beautiful curls were covered by a hoodie, denim jacket on top, as he fished something out of his locker. A textbook, probably.

A part of him wanted to go up to him, but Jens didn't want to be that creepy ex - that's what they were now, were they? - who stalked the other at school just to talk to them because their numbers are blocked. This was wrong and twisted.

So, Jens stayed away and kept his distance, giving Lucas the time and space he needed.

.

Tuesday, February 25th

After skating his sadness away at the skatepark, Jens opened his textbooks and worksheet and began his homework. He didn’t feel like doing school work right now, but it had to be handed tomorrow so he had no other choice.

There was a light knock on his door, followed by his mother's sweet, calm voice - and the smell of fresh baking. ‘’Lotte and I baked some cookies, want some?’’ she asked, poking her head through the doorway.

Homemade cookies? On a Tuesday? That was unusual. After a shift at the hospital, Fenna usually had just enough energy to prepare dinner and do some small chores.

‘’Maybe later,’’ Jens responded, eyes on his homework, trying to concentrate on Maths instead of Lucas.

‘’It’s peanut butter, your favorites. Lotte insisted we made them for you,’’ Fenna explained, tempting him, thinking he’ll change his mind.

‘’I’m not hungry. I’ll get some later.’’ Jens forced a smile. He didn’t want to sound ungrateful, but he just wasn’t in the mood.

Fenna frowned at the second refusal and stepped in, sensing something was up with her son. It was unlike Jens to refuse peanut butter cookies - and to hide in his bed all weekend. She thought he might be getting sick, but he didn’t look nor sound sick. It was something else.

She sat on Jens’ bed, trying to keep herself from making comments about the mess around his room. When will those kids learn to clean and tidy up?

‘’Need any help with that homework?’’

Jens shook his head. ‘’Unless you aced algebra when you were in high school, I doubt you can help me.’’

A small laugh left her lips. ‘’You must’ve got that from me, then. I was bad at Maths.’’

‘’Thanks for the skills, I guess?’’

‘’Other than struggling with your Math homework, anything new? How is Robbe? I haven’t seen him around in a while. How is his mom doing?’’

‘’Mom…’’

Fenna shrugged. ‘’What? Can’t I just catch up with my kids and show interest in their lives and what they are up to?’’

‘’I guess.’’

‘’Finance issues have been a big concern these past months, but you’re important too. Why don’t we invite Lucas for dinner this Friday?’’

At the mention of Lucas, Jens’ heart clenched painfully. He had just introduced him to his mom last week and it went so well - she adored Lucas - and now he was going to announce to her that they were no longer together.

‘’I...it’s too late. We’re not together anymore.’’ Jens’ eyes filled with water, the realisation of he and Lucas’ break up fully sinking in.

Seeing the tears in her son’s eyes, Jens’ mom did what any good mom would do and pulled him into a hug. At first, Jens didn’t respond to her hug, but he gave in as she started stroking his hair, soon feeling his tears saturate the shoulder of her shirt.

It was the first time in a long time that Jens had crumbled like that and cried in his mother’s arms. He hadn’t done that since their family dog died when he was eight.

Heartbreaks had never been something Fenna had to help her son through. Jens didn't cry over girls - it was usually the opposite. But, seeing the situation reversing, Jens’ mom understood how much Lucas must’ve meant to him.

She held her son and felt his pain, trying her best to comfort him. ‘’Give him time,’’ she said, hope in her voice. ‘’Time fixes things. Look at your father. He’s on the right track.’’

Jens lifted his head from his mother's shoulder, wiping his tears away, getting serious. ‘’About that... Mom, there’s something I need to tell you.’’ He paused, dragging time.

Fenna furrowed her eyebrows.

.

Wednesday, February 26th

Jens thought seeing his friends would do him good, that he’d feel a little better, but he was still feeling like shit. He watched as Robbe and Aaron were animatedly talking about a new vlog idea, Moyo joining in and adding to their idea.

‘’What do you think, Jens?’’ Robbe asked.

He shrugged.

‘’Anyone want beers?’’ Moyo offered everyone, getting immediate nods from Robbe and Aaron. ‘’You?’’ he asked Jens, who shook his head.

‘’I’ll pass.’’

The three boys exchanged a look, surprised.

‘’Do you have a fever, bro?’’ Aaron said, laughing and checking the raven haired boy’s forehead only to be swatted away by an annoyed Jens.

‘’Yeah, when do you ever refuse a beer?’’

‘’I don’t feel like drinking tonight. Is that not allowed?’’

He slumped into the armchair and looked down, picking at a loose thread on his hoodie. Not only was this hoodie his favorite, but Lucas had worn it a couple times - looking adorable as hell in it - and, if Jens brought the collar close enough to his nose, he could smell the faint scent of Lucas’ cologne.

‘’Is...is it Lucas?’’ Robbe asked hesitantly, almost whispering the boy’s name. He didn’t want to out Jens to Aaron and Moyo, but he had a feeling that Lucas had something to do with his best friend’s mood. He recognized the symptoms of a broken heart.

Jens stopped playing with the thread and nodded.

Aaron frowned. ‘’Lucas? As in the Dutch kid? The one you invited to the bar last Friday?’’ he asked, making sure they were talking about the same person.

‘’Yeah...’’

‘’What happened?’’ Robbe continued.

While ignoring the question and putting up a front would be easier, these were his best friends, his broerrrs. He didn’t need to hide behind his walls anymore, not with them.

‘’I fucked up and...I think we broke up.’’

‘’Wait, you’re gay too?’’ Aaron said confusedly, putting two and two together.

’’Who’s gay too?’’ Moyo asked, returning with the beers, handing one each to Aaron and Robbe before sitting back on the couch and cracking it open.

Jens sighed, pushing his head in his hands. ‘’I’m not gay...’’

Moyo choked as he took a sip of his beer. “You too?”

Jens groaned in annoyance. “I’m not gay, I’m bisexual. There is a difference,’’ he explained. ‘’But that’s not what this is about. I fucked up and now Lucas completely pushed me out of his life. I tried calling him, I sent texts too, but he’s purposely ignoring me. All because I took fucking Xanax…’’

Robbe blinked, alarmed at the infamous drug. ‘’Xanax? Jens, that shit is dangerous-’’

‘’I know. Don’t worry. It cost me Lucas, I’m not taking that shit again,’’ he said with the most serious tone.

Despite his promise, Robbe wasn’t fully reassured. Xanax addiction was very common among teenagers and young adults, Robbe was worried his best friend had slipped into that rabbit hole. ‘’You should’ve called me-’’ he started, but Jens cut him.

‘’I tried calling you on Saturday, but you didn’t answer. I don’t blame you for spending time with Sander, I’m happy for you two, but sometimes I really need my best friend. Especially when I fuck up this bad.’’

‘’Why did you tell us sooner?’’ Moyo asked, speaking for everyone.

‘’Because I don’t like venting about my problems and I’d rather try solving them by myself than bothering people. Including you all. It’s nothing personal, it's just who I am. And, as if it wasn’t enough, Lucas isn’t the only thing that’s not going right in my life. Things are pretty shit at home too.’’

‘’You’re not alone with problems, you know? We all have our struggles. My dad and I still aren’t getting along, Aaron is failing classes and is worried he won’t graduate with us and Moyo...can’t get any girls,’’ Robbe explained, adding a touch of humor and teasing his friend.

Moyo shoved him. ‘’Hey! I have more serious problems than girls…’’

The three boys laughed, lightening the mood. Jens had been so confined in his own bubble of sadness these past few days that he forgot the best remedy for heartbreaks: your friends. Not everyone can count on their friend to lift their spirits and make them feel better. Not everyone has friends they can count on, friends who are always there for them. But Jens was one of the lucky people who did and he promised himself that he would never forget it again.

‘’We’re bros, right?’’ Moyo asked, looking at him. The raven haired one nodded. ''Next time, come to us, okay?''

''Noted.’’ Jens flashed him a smile. ‘’Moyo? Maybe I'll reconsider that beer.''

.

Thursday, February 27th

The bell rang and dismissed class for lunch. Jens was waiting for the guys when he spotted Robbe and waved him over. They exchanged their classic fist-bumps and started walking in the direction of the lunch room.

''I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. You were right. I'm always with Sander. I need to get better at balancing my time. So...I decided that this weekend will be a best friends weekend. Just you and me.''

Jens scoffed. He was flattered that Robbe wanted to make time for him and spend time together like the old days, but he didn’t want to stand in Sander’s way. ''You don't need to cancel your plans with Sander for me. I’m fine, Robbe.’’

The brunet shook his head. “You are important too and, it’s true, we don’t spend time together anymore. I miss you too.’’

Jens rolled his eyes. Robbe was such a sap sometimes.

“How are you feeling after yesterday? At least Aaron and Moyo took it better than when I came out.”

“Okay, I guess.’’ Jens shrugged, not wanting to get all emotional at school. ‘’It still really sucks to see him everyday and not-”

Jens stopped speaking as Lucas reached them, ignoring Robbe and looked at Jens directly in the eyes, looking a little on edge. ‘’Do you have anything on you? Weed or whatever,’’ he asked, skipping greetings.

Jens’ heart jumped in his chest, seeing Lucas was so close to him for the first time in a week. He was so close that he could smell his cologne and see the light freckles on his face. Lucas wore that pink sweatshirt Jens loved so much and he just wanted to grab his face and kiss him, run his fingers into his curly locks. But he couldn’t. They weren’t together anymore, Jens had lost that privilege.

Lucas repeated his question, impatient. ‘’Jens?’’

‘’I… They’re in my locker,’’ he responded. I couldn’t keep them at home anymore, he almost added. ‘’Why?’’

‘’What’s your locker code?’’

Jens’ frown deepened. ‘’I don’t understand-’’

‘’The cops are here. They're raiding the school for drugs and shit,’’ Lucas explained, dead serious.

Panic rose inside Jens’ head. The cops? He was totally fucked. What had he been thinking selling drugs on campus? The last guy that worked this area got busted and now he was going to be next.

‘’Give me your locker number and I’ll take care of it.’’

Jens shook his head. ‘‘I can’t ask you to do that-’’

‘’I’m offering.’’

As much as he didn't want Lucas to do this for him and risk himself, Jens had no other choice. If he went to his own locker to get rid of the drugs, he would fail to not look suspicious. He was already freaking out as it was, there was no way he'd succeed smoothly.

Why was Lucas offering him his help though? Why did he come to him to warn him about the cops raiding the school? Jens didn't understand.

Jens nodded, giving Lucas his locker number as a last resort.

.

Friday, February 28th

Michiel. Jens had completely forgot about him. With everything that happened this past week, Michiel and the pusher job had slipped out of his mind. Michiel, on the other hand, hadn’t forgotten about him.

Jens was on the bus ride home when he felt his phone buzz in his jacket’s pocket. He pulled it out, assuming it was Robbe asking when he was coming over, but it wasn’t his best friend.

Michiel: Haven’t seen you in almost three weeks. Where’s my cash?

Shit. Jens’ eyes widen, staring at the message. What was he going to do?

Lucas had flushed everything down the toilet yesterday and there was nothing left. Not even a couple pills. Jens still had some money at home from what he sold since his last visit to Michiel’s, but the rest had been swallowed by his school’s toilet and he had no way of getting it back. They must be all dissolved by now.

As the cops were raiding the school, getting rid of the pills sounded like the best idea, but didn’t he think of the consequences it would bring.

Telling Michiel wasn’t an option. He trusted him and if Jens told him he almost got busted at school, Michiel will end their business. There must’ve been over 100€ worth of narcotics in that bag, there’s no way Michiel won’t notice the missing money.

.

Jens’ backpack was packed, resting at the foot of the bed, ready to take and go when Robbe will get back from Sander’s. Although they said it was a best friends only weekend, Jens told Robbe it was okay if he went to his boyfriend’s for a couple hours. After all, a couple hours won’t change anything to their plan.

To kill time, Jens had turned on his laptop and started filling in descriptions and putting up pictures for everything he wanted to sell. He didn't have much to sell, just some video games he didn’t play anymore, a pair of rollerblades he never wore and more, but there was no other solution. He had to pay for the pills Lucas threw away.

Hopefully, people will buy his stuff.

There was a knock on his door and the handle jiggled, slowly opening.

‘’Lotte, Mom told you to go to bed two times alread-’’ Jens interrupted himself, his breath catching as he saw Lucas standing in his doorway instead of his sister. ‘’Luc?’’

He put his laptop aside and stood, his feet taking him to the Dutch boy embarrassingly fast. Standing in front of Lucas, Jens just stared at him, suddenly not knowing what to do, getting flashbacks from that first time he picked up Lucas from the train station.

‘’What are you doing here? I thought it was your mom’s weekend?’’ he asked, surprised to see him.

Lucas shook his head. ‘‘I called her from the train station. I told her a boy I really liked needed me,’’ he explained. Lucas’ eyes were soft when he looked up, blue irises meeting Jens’ brown ones, the bags under them not going unnoticed.

A flush of pink spread on Jens’ cheeks and he looked away. Lucas still liked him. Hearing this confirmation made Jens' heart swell and gave him a sliver of hope for them. Maybe he hadn't lost Lucas completely.

‘’I’m sorry.’’

Jens frowned, looking up at Lucas confusedly. ‘’What are you apologizing for? I’m the one who fucked up.’’

‘’And I’m the one who left when you needed me most. I broke my promise to you. I said I’d be there for you, yet I ran away.’’ The brunet reached for Jens’ hands, taking them into his own. ‘'I'm sorry, Jens. I made a mistake and it took me time away to realize it.''

‘’I was in the wrong too. I shouldn’t have taken those pills in the first place. I didn’t lie when I said I was just selling them. It was the truth, but two days later, I found myself desperate enough to reach into the bag and take one.‘’

Lucas shuddered, getting uncomfortable with their current subject. ‘’I know you’re probably thinking I overreacted, but Xanax is a big deal to me and not without a reason.’’ He paused, taking a deep breath, about to unveil a dark secret. ‘’Before my mom was diagnosed with Schizophrenia, they misdiagnosed her. The psychiatrist said Schizophrenia is tricky to diagnose fully and they often don’t get it right the first time. They gave her a bunch of new pills to try out and one of them was Xanax. She quickly got addicted and it sent her to the hospital. We...I almost lost her.’’

After all those times Lucas expressed his opposition and fear regarding Xanaxs, it didn’t cross Jens’ mind that there might have been a deeper reason than what you see in headlines. That something traumatizing might’ve happened to Lucas or a close one. Jens felt dumb now. If he had known, he wouldn’t have tried it. He never meant to freak Lucas out.

‘’When I saw you taking one, I panicked. I saw flashbacks before my eyes and I was scared that I would have to go through this again, that it would happen to you. So, I ran away and pushed you away instead of helping you and being there for you. I thought I was doing the right thing and that staying away and cutting ties with you would spare me from going through this again, but I realized that leaving you might cause more damage. I was raised and taught to support my loved ones through their struggles and I let you down.’’

His hands had begun to shake into Jens’, scary flashbacks and emotions clouding his mind, voice faltering. Seeing Lucas’ reaction, Jens pulled him into his arms, holding him close. In response, Lucas tightened his arms around Jens, pushing his face in his chest. His hold was a bit too tight, forcing Jens to draw shorter breaths, but he didn’t say anything. He let Lucas take the comfort he needed.

‘’It’s over. I’m not taking them anymore. After losing you, I realized it wasn’t worth it.’’

While it made Lucas happy that Jens was no longer taking Xanax - or any kind of benzodiazepines -, stopping for someone else wasn’t the correct way to recover, it was a recipe for relapses.

He pulled back and looked up at Jens. ‘’You can’t do it for me; you have to do it for yourself. You have to want to get better for yourself, not someone else. Otherwise, it won’t work.’’

‘’I know.’’ Jens ran his hand through Lucas’ curls, brushing away his fringe from his eyes. ‘’But losing you is what made me realize that taking those pills wasn’t worth it. It’s the truth, Luc. Whether you believe it or not. They don’t make my life better the same way you do. They don’t make me feel as good as you do. Nothing does. I would be a fucking idiot to chose them over you.’’

Lucas was looking back at him as he listened, reading the honesty in Jens’s eyes as his own heart was filling with warmth. A small smile tugged on his lips. Lucas knew he shouldn't accept it and that it wasn't healthy to be someone's anchor - not like that -, but hearing that Jens wanted to recover because of him and not for him was different. It changed everything.

‘’Do you want to stay the night?’’ Jens offered as they broke from the kiss, not ready to leave Lucas again. He was still wearing his jacket and Jens wanted nothing more than to tug it off his shoulders and take him to bed to cuddle.

''Are your parents okay with this?'' He had never slept over and didn’t break a rule or get on Jens’ parents’ bad side for sleeping over.

Jens almost rolled his eyes, settling for a small snort instead. ''My mom is rooting for you, I doubt she'd say no.''

A smug grin spread on Lucas’s lips. ‘’I'll stay, then. I came here straight from the train station so I have my bag with me.’’ Lucas motioned to his backpack by the door where he dropped it when he arrived, tired of carrying its weight around.

‘’Does that mean you’ll stay for the whole weekend?’’

‘’We’ll see.’’

.

An hour later he got a text from Robbe, saying he was on his way. Shit. Jens had completely forgotten about their best friends weekend. He had otehr things on his mind since Lucas showed up.

Turning back to look at the boy in his bed, he smiled and gave him a light kiss on the head.

Jens pulled up the camera app, sending Robbe a quick picture of a sleeping Lucas as explanation, his face barely visible in the darkness of Jens’ room. Seconds later, Robbe wished them a good night and Jens put his phone away.

‘’I love you,’’ Jens whispered, watching Lucas’ relaxed, sleeping face, so grateful and blessed for having him back.

Eyes closed, Lucas smiled and kissed Jens’ bare chest, making the latter still, realizing Lucas wasn't asleep. ‘’I love you too.’’

[bobgasm]

hush | c.b

pairing: chris beck x reader word count: 4461 warnings: tooth rotting fluff,

prompt: librarian!au | college!au

summary: in which the good guy gets the girl

author’s note: repost

oneshot | masterlist

        If there was one thing she needed tonight, more than anything, was for the floor of her dorm not to host a party.  Yet, as she shoved her earbuds into her ears, she’s already packing her books and laptop into a backpack.  The earbuds do nothing to hide the fact that Ruby and her latest beau were going at it in the room next door, even with the music at a deafening volume.  The bed squeaking obnoxiously and the frame connecting with the wall.

        Y/N makes sure she’s got her key and purse before she leaves, locking the door to make sure no one goes inside.  It’s happened before and things have gone missing.  At least her roommate has finished her exams and gone home for break, which means no one will accidentally leave the door unlocked.

        Y/N nipped into the pizzeria on her walk to the library, tucking her earbuds into the pocket of her jacket as she ordered a large pepperoni.  Only needing to wait ten minutes before it was ready and she was carrying it into the library.

        You weren’t supposed to have food in the library, but the librarian on Tuesdays was more lenient than the one on Wednesdays or Fridays.  He didn’t mind if you ate, so long as you kept your area clean and didn’t use the library’s computers while you were eating.  The same went for the books.  Always keep them clean.

        The only reason she needed the library tonight was because of how quiet it was compared to her dorm currently.  She had one final exam to study for, which wasn’t for another two days, but she didn’t want to be cramming the night before.  She wanted to go to bed feeling well rested and prepared.  But knowing her, she’d be cramming, stressed she wasn’t going to pass.

        As Y/N entered the library her gaze turned towards the librarian’s desk.  He barely looked up from his astronomy textbook as she took a seat at a large group of desks.  Setting the box on the table as she unloaded her laptop and books from her bag.

        Y/N looked towards him, the librarian, as he scanned a few books for a customer.  Making small talk as he entered the card number in the system.

        He always looked so soft, wearing a slightly larger grey hoodie with a NASA symbol on the breast, his hair usually a mess from running his hands through it constantly.  Circles under his eyes making him look perpetually exhausted, which wasn’t a shock to any college kid.  Sleep was scarce around exam season.  Hell, it was scarce any season.  Y/N should know, the bags under her eyes were constant.

        The second she opened the box of pizza she’d caught the librarian’s attention.  He was in her space science class, but she’d never learnt his name.  He kept mostly to himself, except for when he dominated their professors questions, whereas almost every one else struggled.  He was effortlessly smart, and she’d admired him from afar for the longest time.  Noticing how some days he’d come to class wide awake and alert, but more often than not, he looked as exhausted as the rest of them.

        His fascination with space was incomparable to anyone Y/N had ever met.  His vast knowledge of the cosmos was intriguing.  Endearing.  It made no sense to her that she never saw him with anyone around campus, no bros, no girls.  It was always just him, with his nose buried in a new space book each time.

        Y/N typed with one hand as she ate, her eyes skimming her books for anything that she knew she needed to elaborate on with a further explanation.  Her hand grew tired of typing quickly and she sighed, wiggling her fingers and taking a break from staring at the screen of her laptop.  The bright white occasionally hurting her eyes, this time no different.

        She yawned as she shut the pizza box, unable to finish the last few slices.  Casting her gaze towards the librarian who’d gotten up from his desk and wandered towards a section of books, placing the ones from his arms back into their rightful places.

        Y/N looked at the clock hanging on the wall and groaned, it was almost eleven, which was when the library closed.  She rubbed my hands over my face to wake herself up a bit and started packing her things back into her bag.  She hadn’t thought it was that late when she’d first arrived, but clearly time had gotten away from her.  Taking one too many ‘breaks’ to admire the cute librarian as he spoke in a hushed whisper to himself.

        Scribbling out a little note on a scrap of paper before placing the half eaten pizza on his desk, the note sitting atop it.  Telling him he could’ve asked her earlier for a slice if he was as hungry as he looked, and leaving her name and number on the off chance he wanted to use it some time.

+++

        After Y/N left the library she had turned her phone off, too scared to learn whether or not he’d sent her a message at all.  She had a sudden burst in confidence, yet couldn’t even handle learning the truth; if he was interested in her or not.  No matter how hard a pill rejection is to swallow, no one wanted to learn that the person they’re interested in doesn’t share those same feelings.  It’s hard.

        At least that’s what Y/N kept telling herself.

        The day of her exam she turned her phone back on to see if he’d sent anything.  Clearing the notifications from a couple of apps, her breath catching in her throat when she realised there was a missed call from an unsaved number and a voicemail that’d been left.  She checked the voicemail first, holding her phone to my ear.

        “Uhh, hey, Y/N.  It’s Chris, uhh, the librarian you left your pizza for.  I’m just, thank you so much, honesty, I’ve been studying my ass off for finals and keep forgetting to eat.  So thank you.  You didn’t have to, but I’m glad you did.”

        Y/N smiled at the recorded message, finding Chris’ rambling adorable.  And his voice, god, his voice was like heaven.  She never wanted the rambling to stop.

        “I’m c-calling from the library’s phone because, well, long story short, I-I dropped mine in a puddle and someone d-drove over it.  And I don’t know w-why I told you that!  It’s not relevant, shit.  I’m s-sorry.  Um, I was just k-kinda hoping that m-maybe, on the off chance that you d-don’t already have plans this F-Friday, if you’d like to j-join me for dinner?  I, uhh,–” he couched to clear his throat, a nervous laugh sounded in the earpiece.  “I’ll be at t-the library all day T-Thursday if you wanna g-give m...”

        The dial tone sounded, letting her know that the message had been cut short since he’d exceeded the time limit.  But luckily he’d left another message which started off with a small nervous laugh.

        “I’m s-sorry, the last message was s-supposed to say I’ll be a-at the l-library all day Thursday if you w-want to give me a c-call or s-stop by.  I m-mean, if y-you don’t that’s...l’life, I guess.  I m-mean, I h-hope you do, b-but no p-pressure.  I – J-Jesus, you’re r-really nailing this w-whole thing, B-Beck.  Real s-smooth.  If I s-see you, I see you, a-and if I-I don’t, w-well, I’m sorry for w-wasting your t-time.  Good n-night, Y/N.  T-Thank you again for t-the pizza.”

        She saved the messages to her phone, unable to bring myself to delete them.  Spending ten minutes replying to a few texts before grabbing everything she needed and heading to her exam, a plan in her head to catch up with Chris at the library afterwards.

+++

        Y/N spent a total of two hours and thirty seven minutes in the exam, making sure she’d answered everything to the best of my ability before handing my paper in and making her trek across campus to the library.  SHe was nervous, to say the least.  Her hands sweaty as she gripped the straps of her backpack.  Blowing out a shaky breath as the building came into her line of sight.

        Campus was dead.  There were only two more days of exams and then it was Christmas/New Year break.  A few lights were strung up around the courtyard as she walked down the alley between two buildings.  The library was one of the only places still open, housing a few students sipping coffees from the shop next door as they tried their hardest to absorb any information they needed to prepare themselves for their exam.

        It was weird feeling like she’d done well in my exam.  Like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders the second she passed through those doors.  But it could have also been because she was going to see Chris at the library and confirm their date for tomorrow night.

        Y/N was excited.  Exams were over and she potentially had a date with the guy she’d been crushing on for months.  And it was Christmas in a little under a week.  Even though she wasn’t going home for the holiday there were a bunch of students in the dorms staying back and were planning their own Christmas shindig.  They had a tree put up and decorated on the 8th floor.  Y/N was making one of her favourite desserts.

        Hannah, on the third floor, had a friend who’d been buying them alcohol to stock up on since the shops would all be closed and the majority of our plans consisted of drinking.  Once they’d opened presents, of course.  They’re not totally uncivilised.

        Y/N unwrapped her scarf from her neck as she entered the library, automatically engulfed by a wall of warmth.  She walked towards Chris at his desk.  He was currently serving a customer but looked towards her when he noticed someone was standing to the side.  A grin forming on his lips as he went back to serving the customer.

        She didn’t mind waiting.  Watching him bumble around, stammering over his words as he kept sneaking a look in her direction.  The guy walked off with his books, leaving the pair alone to talk.

        “H-hey.  Uhh, hey,” Chris greeted nervously, walking out from behind the desk.  Rubbing the back of his neck as he walked towards her.

        “Hi,” she replied, breathing out a smile.  “I guess I should properly introduce myself, huh?  I’m Y/N.”

        Y/N held her hand towards him and he smiled down at it as he grasped it with his own.  “I’m Chris.”  He looked up at her with the most mesmerising smile, his blue/grey eyes catching the light from above.

        “So, tomorrow night…”

        “I was h-hoping I could c-cook for you,” he said, rubbing his arm.  “I’m a p-pretty good cook, and I-I’m kind of too b-broke to take you a-anywhere nice right n-now.”

         Y/N laughed, appreciating his honesty.  “A home cooked meal sounds lovely,” she assured him with a smile.  “Did you want me to bring anything?”

        He shook his head.  “Just yourself.”  He reached toward his desk for a pen and a piece of paper, quickly scribbling down his address before handing the paper to her.  “Does s-six-thirty suit?”

        “Perfect,” she replied, folding the paper and tucking it into her pocket for safe keeping.  “I’ll see you tomorrow at six-thirty, Chris.  Have a good night.”

        “You too, Y/N,” he farewelled, cheeks tinged with warmth and a smile on his lips.  “See-see ya tomorrow.”

        She gave him a slightly awkward wave before turning around and leaving the library, taking a peek over her shoulder to look back at him.  Still smiling after her.  Raising his hand in a wave before she braved the cold weather outside.  Wrapping her scarf around her neck and disappearing out the door.

+++

        Y/N stood in the middle of the room dressed in only her underwear, hands on her hips as she looked at the selection of clothes laid out.  A pair of jeans and a woollen jumper.  A cute dress and some stockings, with a lovely warm coat.  Her pyjamas.

        A chill ran up her spine, making her reach for the jeans even though she desperately wanted to put her pj’s back on and go to bed.  She wiggled the denim up her legs, doing a little hop, step and jump to bring the material over the curve of her ass.  Huffing as she finally managed to pop the button through the hole and tug the zipper up.  Grabbing a singlet to wear under a long sleeved shirt before putting a jumper on.

        Her bed looked extremely inviting, piled with a thick duvet and deliciously soft, warm blankets.  Still unmade from earlier today when she’d finally decided to crawl out of the warm nest and venture to Bobbie’s, since she’d agreed to buy her a nice bottle of wine for her date tonight.

        She was nervous for her date with Chris, but was also extremely excited.  It’d been awhile since she’d last been on a date, the last few having gone awry.  But those guys weren’t awkward, stuttering Chris Beck.  They were the over-confident, bordering on cocky assholes that assumed after a date she’d be willing to fuck them as a thank you.  The first couple of dates had been average, as well as the sex, so eventually she just stopped going on dates.

        She didn’t need a half-assed attempt at conversation when they both knew what direction the date was heading in, and more importantly, she didn’t deserve to be left high and dry after they came and left her to take care of herself.  College guys are the worst.  But she got the feeling that Chris wasn’t like that.  Even though he planned on cooking her dinner at his place, it didn’t feel like an attempt to get her into his bed.  she was excited to see how the shy, quiet guy treated a girl compared to the arrogant jerks she was used to seeing.

        Y/N spent a small amount of time on her makeup, since she’d already applied it this morning.  Just touching up a few areas here and there.  Not wanting to overdo it, but still wanting to look nice.

        She blew out a breath as she packed her makeup away and stuffed her feet into a pair of boots, sitting on the end of her bed as she laced them up.  Taking a minute to gather er nerves as she looked at the alarm clock sitting on the bedside table, the glowing red numbers reading 18:04, letting her know she had less than half an hour to get to Chris’ place, and that her Uber should be here any minute.

        Rising to her feet, Y/N shrugged into my jacket and tucked the bottle of wine into her purse.  Her phone buzzing with a text from the Uber driver, letting her know he was outside, so hastily making her way down.  Locking her dorm behind me.

        The ride to Chris’ place took just over 20 minutes, Y/N’s leg bouncing with nerves the whole way.  Rubbing her sweaty palms against her thighs.  Thanking the driver as she climbed out of the car and walked up to the house, knocking on the door thrice.

        She exhaled heavily, a smile coming easily to her face as soon as Chris opened the door.  A bright smile on his own face.

        “H-Hey, come in,” he greeted, stepping aside so she could come in out of the cold, already shrugging out of her coat.

        “I know you said not to bring anything but I couldn’t show up empty handed,” Y/N said, hanging her coat up and pulling the wine from her purse, handing it over to him.  “The finest wine eight dollars can buy.”

        Chris chuckled as he closed the door.  “Then l-let’s open it.  S-Shall we?”

        Y/N was already on her second glass when Chris finally served dinner, the delicious smell of a homemade roast chicken with all the fixings filling the little space.

        The house itself was cozy.  He lived with three other guys who were all home with their families for the holidays, but it was kept nice and tidy.  She suspected because it was just him there at the moment.

        They sat at the dining table to eat, a candle was lit between them, their glasses full of wine.  A warmth to Chris’ cheeks from the alcohol, or from Y/N’s flirting.  Perhaps both.  Asking each other why they were still here instead of with their families.  Her reason being that she couldn’t afford it, and his being that it was easier being apart for the holidays.  Family is messy.  That didn’t mean it was an easy decision for him to stay away.  The hurt she saw on his face told her there was more to the story, but that he wasn’t ready to share it.

        Dinner had been amazing, to the point that after they finished eating they stayed at the table drinking.  Their faces lit up with the flickering light of the candle dancing over our skin.

        He was beautiful.  The way he spoke, wise beyond his years.  Voice smooth, the alcohol ridding him of his stuttering, but slurring his speech.  The corners of his eyes crinkling with each laugh, his hand covering his mouth as he giggled.

        God, she was in deep, and it was only the first date.

+++

        Y/N ended up inviting Chris to the halls for Christmas, telling him a bunch of them had plans to eat and drink and celebrate together because they couldn’t be with their families.  He’d agreed to think about it, but when she’d swung by the library to see him on the 23rd he’d told her he’d be there.

        It’d been a couple of Christmases that he’d spent the holiday alone, and now that an opportunity presented itself where he didn’t have to be, he’d be stupid not to go at least for a couple of hours.  That was what he’d told her when she’d happily embraced him, anyway.

        And now it was Christmas day and Y/N was waiting in the lobby of the building to let Chris in.  He’d said he’d be there around ten, and it had just gone five past.  She was starting to get a little fidgety when he knocked on the glass door.  She stood up to open it for him, my mood changing from upset to happy upon seeing his face.

        “S-Sorry I’m a little l-late,” he apologised, shrugging out of his jacket.  “It’s i-icy and I k-kept s-slippin’ over.”

        Y/N laughed and shook her head.  “I’m sorry for laughing,” she replied.  “I’m glad you made it here in one piece, though.”

        “So am I.”  He smiled.

        “C’mon.  The party’s already started.”

        SHe took his hand in hers and led him towards the elevators, his gloved fingers slipping between her own as the doors opened and they stepped inside.  She hit the button for the eighth floor and held her key to the sensor, and only then did the elevator work.  Taking them up to the eighth.

        “Thank-thank you for i-inviting me again,” he said softly.

        “Thank you for agreeing to come,” she told him, smiling up at him and giving his hand a squeeze.

       The party was in full swing when the elevator doors opened.  They had to wait for a couple of guys racing on swivel chairs in the hallway to roll past before they could exit.

        “You can chuck your stuff in my room to keep it safe if ya want,” I offered and he nodded, letting her drag him around the hallway until they reached her room.  Using her keys to unlock the door and then pushing it open, letting him walk in first.

        He sat his bag on the desk and hung his coat up on the rack, unwrapping his scarf from his neck.  “I h-hope ya d-don’t mind,” he said as she leant against the doorframe.  “B-But I bought u-us a b-bottle of that w-wine.”

        “I don’t mind at all,” Y/N said as he handed the bottle to her, smiling at him as she grabbed two plastic glasses from her desk drawer and set them on the desk.  Opening the bottle and pouring themselves a glass each.  Ignoring the chaos out in the hallway, handing one of the glasses to him.  “To the finest wine eight dollars can buy.”

        His hand came up to cup her jaw, thumb brushing over her cheek lightly as he stared at er.  Gaze flickering from her eyes to her lips and back to her eyes.

        “And to n-not being alone on C-Christmas,” he added softly.

        “And to not being alone on Christmas,” she repeated, clinking her glass with his and having a sip as he did the same.

        “Can-can I…” he stuttered, looking back down at her lips as he shuffled closer.

        “Kiss me, Chris,” she whispered.

        He dipped his head and pressed his lips to hers, no trace of hesitation in his actions.  Kissing her with certainty.  Lips firm against her own at first, softening when she kissed him back almost instantly.  Tasting like the wine they’d just drank.

        Only detaching when Brooke waltzed in and announced it was time for presents.  She was gone as soon as she arrived, moving onto the next room.

        “I, uhh...”  Chris downed his drink.  “I’m not c-expectin’ anything in r-return, but I wanted to g-give you some-somethin’.”  He reached into his bag and pulled out a tupperware container.  “I m-made you some cookies.  F-Family recipe.  I-I hope you l-like ‘em.”

        Y/N rose to her tiptoes and pressed another kiss to his lips as she graciously accepted the container from him.  “Thank you, Chris,” she replied, smiling as she set the container and her wine on the desk.  Opening one of her clothing drawers and pulling out a hoodie she’d seen at an op shop.  “I haven’t seen you wearing this design so I wasn’t sure if you’ve got it or not.”

        He took the hoodie from her and his eyes lit up when he unfolded it, a large grin spreading across his face.  Reaching for the back of the current sweatshirt he was wearing and pulling it over his head so he could put it on.

        “I wasn’t sure about the size…”

        He shook his head after pulling it over his head, sliding his arms through it.  Wrapping his arms around her waist and lifting her off the ground, a laugh escaping her lips before he silenced her with a kiss.

        “It’s great–it’s the greatest g-gift anyone has ever g-given me,” he confessed.  “Thank you, Y/N.  S-So much.”

        Y/N laughed and shook her head.  “You’re welcome,” she told him.  “Merry Christmas, Chris.”

        “M-Merry Christmas, Y/N,” he said back, the most joyous expression on his face.

        “You wanna go and watch everyone else open presents or stay here and make out a little bit?”  She asked him, her hands running through his hair.

         Heat rose to his cheeks as he coughed.  “Uhh, m-make out a little b-bit,” he replied honestly.

+++

        With the holiday’s over and done with, a mistletoe kiss and a New Years Eve kiss crossed off her bucket list, college classes had officially started back up.  Chris and Y/N had made things official before they welcomed in the New Year together, and they’d been on several dates since he first cooked her dinner.

        She’d met his roommates, mostly because she spent a lot of her free time at his place.  They seemed nice enough – typical guy behaviour trying to piss Chris off by hitting on her.  Though he knew she only had eyes for him.

        He’d met her roommate, who’d badgered him with question after question since she’d given her no warning that she now had a boyfriend.  So she’d returned back from break to find him asleep in Y/N’s bed.  No funny business had been happening.  They’d just been sleeping after a long first day back of classes.

        Her flight had been delayed time and time again, which was why she had no idea when she was coming back; because she didn’t know herself until she was boarding her flight.

        It was fine.  She was cool with it.  And she was happy that Y/N’d finally met a guy who treated her the way she deserved.

        Y/N was too.  He was so good to her.  And she always made sure to look after him, too.  When he let her.

        It was Tuesday today and he still had his shift at the library to complete before he’d go home.  She knew he never took anything to eat with him – knowledge she’d gained from past experience, – so after making her own dinner, she took a container full of lasagne to the library for him.

        It was still warm when she got there, sneaking up behind him and wrapping her arms around his waist, tucking myself under his arm.

        “Hi-hi, beautiful,” he greeted with a soft chuckle.  “I d-didn’t think I’d get t-to see you today.”

        Y/N hummed as she leant up to press a kiss to his cheek.  “Brought you dinner,” she told him.  “Because I know you never bring anything to work.”

        “Thank you,” he told her, kissing her forehead as he took the container from her hand.  “Lasagne?”

        Y/N hummed, producing a fork from her pocket and placing it on top of the container.  “Yeah.  I hope you enjoy.”

        “Can’t stay?”

        “Afraid not,” she replied.  “Got a lot of reading to catch up on that I was supposed to do over the holiday but I got a little sidetracked.”

        “It’s that b-boyfriend of yours, I t-tell ya,” he said, nuzzling his nose into her hair.  “He’s a b-bad influence.”

        Y/N laughed.  Loud.  “He’s lucky I love him.”

        “He–you, what?”

        “I love you.”

        And she did.  He was the kind of guy you knew from the moment you met him that you’d fall in love with him.  All the blushing looks and nervous laughter, piled in with how much of a genuinely nice guy he was...it was a no brainer.  She’d happily fallen in love with him.

        “I-I love you, too-too.  Shit, no.  I can say this without stutt-stuttering.”  He took a deep breath and steadied himself, cupping my face with both of his hands.  Dinner all but forgotten about.  “I love-lo, no.  Wait-wait.  I love you too.”

[altaruwusmolboiz]

Everybody Fits, right?

Because the world needs more Altar Boyz fanfictions, especially ones where Matthew and Mark don’t end up together (Not saying you shouldn’t ship them, but I like ones that don’t involve them as a ship too!)

Basically, Mark comes out to Abraham and it’s angst but has a happy ending. I might make this a four part series for when he comes out to the others. Also, some musical references! Also, this isn’t a Markbraham thing, I just love them as friends.

CW: MENTIONS OF MURDER, THE Q SLUR (I KNOW SOME PEOPLE THINK IT’S A SLUR SO BE WARNED)

It was a day after their last concert. Would they even bother to talk again? Would Abraham ever try to talk to him? He blew everything, only for a solo deal.

Mark wasn’t aware it was a solo deal at first glance. Neither did Matthew.

Oh, Matthew. Would he even bother to talk to him again? Matthew, the first and one of the only people who would defend him. Matthew, the boy who would ignore his old friends calling him gay for even talking to Mark. Matthew, who would compliment his hair without detracting from it, saying he meant it “in a bro way”, whatever that means.

He was in the theater once again, packing up his belongings. Sheet music and scripts were everywhere. Last night, Matthew saw that he was forgetting his lines and stressing out, and he mouthed them for him. It was so appreciative of him, it made his heart flutter...

Oh, who is he kidding? He likes this boy. More than anyone he has ever met.

The lights were beating on him. There his bag was, it was light pink and had the costumes in it. Juan’s costumes. Mark wished he could talk to him, even, after this.

“Mark! You got a sec?”

Mark turned around. It was Abraham.

Mark was lucky to have Abraham, although he’d never admit it.

Being Jewish in a mostly Christian town, heck, being Jewish in a Catholic boy band, has made Abraham understand what it is like to be different.

The other boyz had ambitions and dreams to be successful, but Abraham isn’t like that. Abraham just wants to spread kindness to others. Those who feel different, like he and his friends do. Those who felt uncomfortable in their own skin, so turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms. Like bottiling feelings. And turning to wine.

And getting an unhealthy attachment over best friends.

“Do you have a diary?” He asked.

Mark did not know how to answer that. Yes, he did, but what was the relevance of the question and did he want to know?

“Maybe?”

Abraham raised his eyebrow, but didn’t question it. He held up a sheet of paper.

“This has your handwriting on it. I’m sorry, I did not mean to invade your privacy, but I want to make sure everything is okay. It just slipped out, I’d assume you meant to throw it out.”

Mark did not hesitate to pull the piece of paper from Abraham’s grip, and was surprised the paper didn’t rip, but more so that Abraham did not try to take it back.

Unluckily for him, Mark’s handwriting is really neat.

I swear, I never try to do anything. I never meant to hurt anyone. They’re all my best friends, and I wish they knew that I would do anything for them. I’ve had my disagreements with Juan, and I know he doesn’t like me much, but I want him to know I truly don’t mean any harm. Will any of the boys like me that much after I tell them? But, then there is Abraham. We’ve had our disagreements too. But his songs meant so much to me. Especially Everybody Fits. It’s so sad, I left him on his own when he tried to show me I wasn’t. Well, Luke is like a brother to me. I cannot imagine losing him. His dancing skills were so good. Matthew, well, I’d prefer not to even think about him. If he ever figured out I liked him, it’d be over. My life might just be over. He’d hate me, just like everyone else back in Ohio. I hate myself, though. Anyone would hate me. Love the sinner, hate the sin is what I’m told.

The next part cut off, it must have been a different page.

Mark crumpled the paper into a little ball and did a sad attempt at throwing it into the silver, clean trash bin.

“I was never good at basketball, was I?” Mark smiled, but couldn’t keep it up for so long.

Abraham awkwardly laughed, but then put his arm around Mark, who shoved it off of him.

“Mark, wait for me! I’m coming!”

Mark tried to run, but he was never good at track either. Abraham caught up to him immediately.

“What happened to love Thy neighbor trumps them all?” Abraham asked, holding his hand. Mark didn’t know why he was doing it.

“What do you mean? In three days, we may never talk to each other again. I want to have a few days, at least, for you guys to be willing to talk to me!” Mark ran back to the dressing room, trying to quickly pack up his belongings.

“Mark! I’m going to keep talking to you! What makes you think I wouldn’t?”

“Well...” Mark would wait as long as he needed until his face was dry. He won’t let Abraham catch him crying.

“‘Cause there’s no such thing as Catholics who are queer.”

There was no turning back. Mark had a plane to catch in ten hours anyways. And, he’d do anything to get away from this conversation Abe is trying to have.

“Everybody fits, right?” Abraham repeated. This one made Mark stop and turn back at Abraham. “So, you must fit too!”

No response. Abraham continued talking. “Every murderer on Death Row, remember?”

“I’m not a murderer on Death Row.” Mark chuckled.

“Proving my point. If they can fit, so can you.”

“Really?” Mark asked. He was still struggling, but wasn’t trying as hard to do so.

“Absolutely. And, when considering there is about a billion Catholics in the world, you’re statement about how there is no such thing as a gay Catholic was probably false.”

It was odd to Mark how Abraham said the word gay so casually. Most people Mark knows flinch just by the word.

Abraham extended his arms. Mark went in them.

It stayed like this for a whole thirty seconds. Just those two boys, both oddities, together. Abraham was good at hugging.

“Take your best shot.” Abraham warmly smiled. “Just look what you got.” He gestured to himself, and the picture of him and the other Boyz on his Lock Screen.

“Abraham? Can you not te—

“I wouldn’t.” Abraham agrees. “I want to be there when you do come out, though. I mean, if you want me there...”

“Oh, yeah! Sure!” Mark holds his own palm, but Abraham takes it.

“This is who you are, it’s not a choice.” Abraham winks.

Mark grins and laughs, knowing it’s a reference to his favorite solo to sing for the group.

“Actually, you blew that song out of the park last night, you know that?”

Mark chuckled. “I highly doubt that.”

“What? Of course you did! It was the most confident I’ve ever seen you.”

Mark gulped. “You mean that?”

“Of course! I couldn’t hit that high note in my fantasies.”

“Well, some fantasies come true.” Mark mentioned.

Mark and Abraham exit the facility. At least they’ll be on the plane together. The others will be on the plane with them.

Because murderers can fit. Abraham fits.

So, Mark can fit too.

[villainever]

Killing Eve + making worlds and workplaces for women

killing eve very frequently – and obviously quite rightly – gets discussed as a feminist screen text, but i feel like we often talk about the individual characters, how fantastic they clearly are, and how flawed/developed/multifacted/interesting they’ve grown to be. but another thing killing eve does phenomenally well is subvert power structures and institutions, and populate them with women in a way we rarely see. for example, in season 1, eve’s MI5 office is unusually gender-balanced for television (it’s her, elena, bill and frank), and when carolyn is introduced, she’s immediately painted as almost an urban legend – elena raves about how incredible she is and how much she’d love to work with her, and we’re positioned to view her with intrigue and awe. this “mysterious, unreadable, probably damaged but definitely utterly competent and slightly amoral” character would typically go to a man – probably a slightly misogynistic one who’d gradually form a “grudging respect” for the women on his new team, as the women act as a device to coax him into the New Modern World and soothe his trauma. but carolyn gives this archetype an internal makeover and new vitality, and neatly sidesteps stereotyping: she’s not a “bitchy boss”; she never yells, or insults; she’s at times eerily calm, and methodically works her way through problems. this is especially poignant when we think of male characters who rail against female leaders for being “too emotional”, and proceed to spend half the movie throwing tamper-tantrums. at the same time, though, she doesn’t feel emotionless to prove a point, or simply to be the stoic; we get a very real sense of her pragmatism and cold war-conditioning, and the interlocking mechanisms of her many layers. carolyn’s character (both her writing and shaw’s acting) are totally genius, but the main point im trying to raise here is that the parts of Mentor and Career Aspiration are inhabited by a woman, and 60yo woman going full-speed at that – not someone who’s barely 39 but treated as basically a retiree.

next, we’ve got carolyn’s boss, played by zoe wanamaker in 2x04. yes, she’s not in the show for long – although she may make a reappearance? not sure – but her value is more symbolic than anything. in her scene, we get the impression of her power (she gets to make carolyn wait :o), and while she’s also a severe older woman, she’s very much distinct from carolyn in personality, which is pretty unique; often, writers will prescribe bulk-identities to all their minor characters who fall into certain groups, out of a mix of laziness and ignorance. anyway, wanamaker’s helen is shown eating (another rant-worthy point is how the frequency and ease with which killing eve’s women are portrayed as actually eating food is tragically radical), and she lashes out at carolyn before soothing herself easily once again – she’s capricious and less reserved and measured than carolyn, but equally potent. we also get a strong vibe of a long and complex working relationship between these two, effortlessly implied by the writing and performance and even if we never double-back to it, it colours how we view carolyn and the system that i’ll (eventually) get around to making my argument about.

lastly, there’s julie, who plays the medical examiner in 2x01, and conducts the exhumation autopsy on allistair peel. she comes across as professional, capable, no-nonsense, but also warm and gallows-funny, hugging carolyn and sympathetic to eve’s slightly strange reaction to the corpse. like helen, she’s not in the show long, but it’s more her relevance as a symbol i want to discuss.

so what am i getting to by going on about carolyn and these relatively minor characters? well, i want to talk about how killing eve establishes for itself something of an ‘old girls’ club’. an ‘old boys’ club’ is the network of connections that form between (generally upperclass) men who went to the same schools or worked in the same companies, who get each other opportunities in a pay-it-forward kind of way throughout life; it’s one of the many ways that sites of privilege are maintained as sites of privilege. but with these older female characters, who all know and support each other, give each other second chances or off-the-books help, killing eve constructs its own version. through these interactions, we have the sense that carolyn is a part of a group of women across the government who ensure certain things happen at certain times for certain people.

even outside this senior boss ladies network, we have elena, eve and jess,  who support and challenge and contradict each other – all successful women with different skillsets, trajectories, relationships, etc., and none of whom are white. not only does this show pass the bechdel test in under three minutes, but that conversation is between two women of colour. one of the many things i love about killing eve is that while it acknowledges (and even leverages) the disadvantages that marginalised groups face – e.g. villanelle is able to exploit conforming to the western ideals of femininity to lure men into a false sense of security; the ghost is able to pass through places unnoticed, etc. – it never makes that the core of the narrative. it isn’t focused on reinforcing these systemic barriers over and over, which is something a lot of shows do when they’re trying to be progressive, and all they end up doing is reminding us of the setbacks we face and how it’ll be a long, arduous struggle to improve things. instead, killing eve gives a nod to this sexist, racist, homophobic reality, but sidelines it, the way minorities are so often sidelined. rather than make all eve’s bosses and colleagues men “for the realism”, it throws a few male characters in there and then focuses on the women (look how much screentime kenny and hugo get compared to jess, another first-tier secondary character). it reimagines the chain of command as belonging to women, it takes power and allocates it how it sees fit. i adore this, because if someone said to the writers, “umm… i feel like there should be more men in charge… that’s just how it is…”, their response would probably be, “so what?” it wants to spend time with complex women in complex situations, so it just puts them there; there’s no spinning of the wheels to justify how so many women got to these high-ranking jobs in an institution designed to keep them in the lobby. it certainly never pretends women don’t have to cater to men and their sensibilities (take carolyn comforting frank in season 1), but it doesn’t get caught in ‘liberal’-dude-writer “look at these (skinny/pretty/fantasy-fulfillment) women push through the system and affect change from behind the scenes by showing their cleavage to *trick* men into doing what they want ;) girlpower, ladies”. it lets women BE the scene, unapologetically, without feeling pressed to explain or defend or negotiate by stuffing an equal number of male characters in. we get konstantin and aaron peel and various ambassadors or clerks who are men, but these are all characters on the outside looking in. killing eve isn’t arranging women as spaced out and in competition with each other; aside from villanelle, they’re all on the same side (and villanelle’s temporarily teamed up with them anyway), and they work together, while still being allowed internal tensions and clear relationships. i originally just intended to talk about how killing eve built us an old girls’ club, but i had More Thoughts, so that’s why this essay doesn’t stay totally on-thesis from here on, even though it is all about women and their positions in the narrative/workplace. another note – these women, for the most part, aren’t there to be love interests. we obviously have eve/villanelle, but they both have their own fully-developed characters, plus, their love interests are each other, not men. we have carolyn, but her affairs don’t control her storyline; they flit in and out, and are of far more signifiance to the men than to her – she’s an older woman who controls her sexuality, but doesn’t have any interest in letting it overtake her work (and we don’t have that ridiculous “uptight bitch learns to put relationship with basic bro above her lifelong career dream”). we have gemma, but while her narrative function is to give niko a final straw to leave, and to push eve further, she has agency in her arc; SHE is the one who pursues niko, and she does this in a respectable and understandable way. she’s not the “sexy temptress” who “lures” him away, and nor is she an “innocent” that he actively chases. 

also, NONE of the women have their qualifications questioned. there is no “is carolyn experienced enough to have so much free reign?”, no “how did eve get to MI5?”. the way we’re always told to with male characters, the show expects us to accept that they’re fit for their roles. this is highlighted when eve kind of stumbles into being an authority on female assassins. she doesn’t have a phd in psych or anything, but she clearly has an affinity in her area, and she VERY quickly learns to own that. the first time carolyn calls her their resident expert, eve is a bit surprised, but then she’s just like, “huh, guess i am”, and runs with that confidence. these women are all tough, but they don’t have to dig out their own spaces. theyve got them, and the audience isn’t gently directed into wondering whether they actually should. we KNOW they should. unsurprisingly, considering much of killing eve is written/overseen by women, but this isn’t done for Woke Points. there’s no constant self-conscious grandstanding about how many women are in the series. the actors and writers talk about it in press, because theyre EXCITED, theyre THRILLED to finally have this, but that comes from a genuine place of joy to be involved in such a project, rather than a hapless grab for viewers. the female characters aren’t half-baked stocking-stuffers to net the 18-35W. theyre Actual Characters. bottom line is, isn’t it so nice? isn’t it so lovely to be watching something, and have women be in the foreground AND the background? to not have to smurfette effect, the “one of the main characters is a girl, can’t you just shut up now? smh so greedy”? to have minor female characters not as sexy set-dressing or rivals or “ew she’s ugly here’s what we don’t want our protagonist to be hahah amirite lads”? we get to see ourselves over and over, in so many different iterations. killing eve’s women aren’t just “empowered”, they HAVE POWER. they are in positions where they can use that power for good or bad or both, but they have sway and influence and we don’t have to watch a 22yo ingenue assimilate to a 98% male workplace. female characters in killing eve are REAL and PRESENT and we have an entire textured world that isn’t just modern, it’s extra-modern. we have our cake and eat it too: there are women throughout the workplace hierarchy but we still get a critique of how men manipulate the game, and both are managed expertly to ensure we get the social commentary AND get to enjoy the experience of watching women be intelligent and morally grey and sophisticated and manipulative and and AND. in conclusion, i will no longer be accepting applications from media that doesn’t have women in their cast because it “isnt realistic”. killing eve is tearing it up out there, and it’s almost overwhelmingly relieving to get to experience media like this.

*btw, im not trying to imply there are no women actually working at MI5. im sure there are many, but this is more a commentary on media interpretations (james bond, etc.), and the male dominated government landscape in general. 

[hopevalley]

What are your favorite and least stories from each Season and why?

Oh man, this is a really thought-provoking question! I’ll try to come up with good answers (even though sometimes the seasons blur together a little bit):

I’ll give some basic thoughts on each season and what worked/didn’t work for me.

Season 1

While I appreciate that they made the effort to have Elizabeth stick out (vs. blending in with all the Poors), she was downright unbearable at times in the early seasons. Her wanting to help and coming up with ideas is pretty decent in terms of story structure and even characterization/character motivation, but holy cow was it intrusive and nosy/patronizing of her sometimes! I think the point might have been to give Elizabeth flaws, which is great, but people just seemed to accept it, and her, too quickly, at least for my liking. A shame because I felt like her struggling to fit in would 1) be good for her character/force her to understand that to be accepted here she has to concede to giving up her former lifestyle, and 2) be a great, GREAT way for her and Abigail to bond and become friends, since this is something Abigail also struggled with!

So basically, the ‘story’ of Elizabeth coming to fit in in Coal Valley? Vaguely rubbish.

So much DID work, though, and could have been expanded upon for even better storytelling!!! This is especially true of the widows/related stories.

Loss of faith/faltering faith

Loss of personal identity

Moving on/past grief

Processing guilt 

Protecting the memory of a deceased loved one

We also had some great smaller personal stories.

Genius child has to work in the mine because there’s no one else ot take care of his family

Young man can’t read and has to work in the mine (and even after he does start learning how to read, probably doesn’t get to leave). Elizabeth still taking the time to try and help him still means something!

Season 2

I will never forgive the series for its convoluted attempt at a love triangle, here. Charles wasn’t unlikable, but he was OBVIOUSLY interested in Elizabeth romantically, and I don’t feel she’d be so stupid as to be blind to that, old chum or not.

Basically, it was one of the worst plots to ever exist on the show, because it just wasn’t believable in any capacity and felt like drama that existed to be a roadblock more than anything.

Also, not to whine, but Bill’s whole ‘counterfeit money’ plotline wasn’t very well-written.

The plot itself makes sense, but the way it bounced around seems to have just confused enough people that no one even remembers this was a thing.

That said, I think it was a good plot for the character... It was just not executed as well as it needed to have been to make a difference/really shine.

There are a lot of small things from S2 that were pretty nice, though.

Abigail’s fight to help Clara was meaningful, but I’m not sure how I feel about the addition of Clara from a writing standpoint. I feel like Abigail should have felt something was off about Peter’s trips from the start... The issue is that Hamilton is VERY far away and it’s VERY doubtful Peter would have ever gone there. Union City makes more sense if we’re talking about picking up shipments.

Tom and Julie were entertaining if nothing else.

I couldn’t tell you a single thing that happened in Hope Valley in S2, but I’m sure there were Events.

Season 3

Honestly I don’t think S3 had anything horrible in it. It just wasn’t very inspiring at times? It was like they had all these really good ideas but didn’t want to fully commit to any of them.

Henry Gowen was a star.

Frank was excellent in this season.

The biggest issue I have with this plot is simply that they didn’t take it all the way. Either he’s a dangerous man to allow to stay in town or he’s not. Saying he is doesn’t make it so. A rock through a window? Okay, sure...that’s threatening I guess. But it didn’t feel like enough to turn the whole town.

And again, having him barely doing anything even though he’d definitely be worried for Abigail and Cody’s safety is just inane.

Still, overall the whole thing was pretty good/well-done. Especially that unexpected turn at the end where Henry helped turn the tide. (I still wish that had gone somewhere and wonder even now if they had an idea they wanted to use and didn’t get the chance to.)

Abigail adopting children was nice. I wish Becky hadn’t been a part of it at all though. Like the IDEA is nice, but I can’t imagine she’d believe in it all as fast/readily as she does? This plotline just seemed great for Cody and meaningless to Becky, IMO.

But hey, the thing with Cody is meaningful enough. My issue is just that he’s like, 8 or 9 and remembers his parents very clearly, so I don’t think he’d be that willing to replace them. I guess it could just be his personality, but it might make more sense for him to be like 5-6 years old instead (less attached with fuzzier memories by this point if they’ve been on the run awhile).

Despite my qualms I think this was a pretty good story for Abigail. Just wish they hadn’t dropped her role as a mom as quickly as it felt they did.

Hattie was a good character and I enjoyed her introduction story. It was sad, but it felt good/satisfying.

Bill buying Henry’s share in the café was a great little thing. Maybe too convenient and itching for a story of its own (instead of it just happening), but overall a good idea.

Jack’s mom coming to town was entertaining. She had some really good lines. Lard in coffee. I mean...this was gold.

Season 4

The peddler was a cute addition but I didn’t much care for the overt magical element.

If it felt a little more real/grounded/down to earth I think I might have been more intrigued. 

Frank getting his original Bible back was a GREAT story but when they tried tying it into his vaguely stalker-like behavior? It just ruined the entire thing.

For what it’s worth, Frank’s character goes downhill pretty sharply in this season.

There were a lot of cute kid storylines in this one. But they weren’t all...great...

Robert telling the lie about the bear? Nice.

The kid with the knee brace? Ugh.

The storyline itself wasn’t bad!

But after Becky miraculously recovered the previous season it just felt like a slap in the face. I live with chronic pain and it’s just one of those things where I’d like a little representation somewhere.

I still think Becky should have stayed wheelchairbound.

I can’t get over how insulting it was that she just MIND OVER MATTER FIXED HERSELF. The writer who put that in there should be slapped, and the writer who wrote the saME GODFORSAKEN STORY AGAIN with this child should also be slapped.

I really feel that if they were gonna let Becky recover like that, this kid should be living with a permanent disability and this episode could deal with kids helping him play/doing activities he could participate and enjoy.

Maybe it’s too on-the-nose but the hardest part about a chronic illness/disability of any kind is the part where you lose things you loved to do that you considered a part of your identity. That’s an awfully deep storyline for WCtH, but they should have gone for it here.

Phillip was in between.

Phillip and his father were great, but Elizabeth was just SO incredibly awful. This is where she and Abigail started always being right about everything and I felt her involvement was unbearable.

They should have just let Faith take over Elizabeth’s role in that plot and it would have been way better. They could have had the eyesight issue earlier and done something great with it.

Frank and Abigail’s relationship at the beginning of this season was pretty interesting. Even though the whole “danger” thing was a little goofy, it was nice to see them communicating and adjusting. 

It felt like a natural issue people would actually have. And it wasn’t smoothly worked out, which is fine.

Also, Rosemary’s interference was hilarious.

RIP to the following:

Frank’s character after his earlier scene, because he doesn’t get anything else that’s actually in character.

Good writing because Carson is now the town hero he’s gonna save Cody from appendicitis because other doctors are just completely stupid!

Also Carson is a surgeon so TAKE THAT, regular doctors!

Doug. You were a real bro, my guy.

I DID like Doug’s role in the story, though. His death made some sense, but it was ill-timed. (How convenient that we only even hear of him moments before his death lol.)

AJ Foster is a highlight of S4 for me. I love her, and for the most part I love her introduction.

She’s such a pain in the neck, but she also talks a lot of sense.

The writing isn’t great for her, or for Bill in these scenes, but at least there was An Attempt™.

I appreciate that they introduced the idea of her much earlier in the season and built up to her actual appearance, which I couldn’t have guessed would be relevant early on.

Considering how the officers at my company hate our IRS auditor, I find the fact that AJ has enemies beyond believable.

Railroad shenanigans were pretty entertaining in this season, too.

Season 5

The last episode at least tried to be kind to the characters, so I appreciate it.

Elizabeth’s conversation with her father before her wedding was a highlight of the entire season.

AJ’s return plot was abysmal.

I’d be terribly embarrassed to have been the one to write this, especially considering how completely whack it feels next to the other plots.

I’ve ranted about this so many times I should have run out of steam but BOY is it cringey. This is the height of Bill-is-a-grumpy-old-man as a Thing in this series and this is probably when it is its worst.

The rattlesnake plotline was contrived as heck, but the only thing to make it worse was how weird everyone acted.

Rhonda was a good character and the plotline, if it wasn’t so rushed, would have actually been really great. I still liked it overall, though.

Frank’s send-off was dumb, but at least he got one on-screen.

I still can’t believe they killed their main romantic male lead off-screen.

What the heck...

Abigail was really, really annoying in this season, and so was Elizabeth. Unbearable.

Also, I still hate the pregnancy oooops~~ ♥♥ plot at the end of the grieving episode. Really? COME ON. I know they wanted to give the fans hope but it was jarring.

Season 6

I still HATE the nativity == baby Jack’s birth parallels. 

Why did they feel the need to do that. Why couldn’t we have just gotten pregnant Elizabeth shenanigans?

They put Jack’s DEATH ON THE TOMBSTONE like how is she popping out a baby less than two months later when she didn’t even know she wa---?F?DJSAFLJDSAFHLDSAL?

Abigail?

DELETED.

Thank goodness.

Bill?

Assassinated. Or at least, his character was.

This is bad. :(

On the plus side he gets promoted to the position of JUDGE...and barely does anything worthwhile with it...yet.

GODFATHER BILL. The best thing in this season.

Fiona?

A goddess. I love her.

Lucas?

Slimy.

But handsome.

The 4th Property Brother. He even tries his hand at renovating.

Nathan?

Honest and good.

Pretty cute.

Works together with Bill once in one of Bill’s only good scenes.

The oil plotline is actually pretty good/fun. Jesse and Clara get more scenes finally. 

Elizabeth isn’t the focus of everything.

Lee and Rosemary got like, no mention in any of these posts but mostly because it felt like they were never really doing anything before, but I did feel like they were given a little more meaningful lines/places in this season.

--

How’s this for an attempt? :P I’m probably missing A LOT but I can’t recall everything too easily!

[migleefulmoments]

Let’s unpack some cc nonsense

Anonymous asked:

Not that anyone can at this point but if YOU were representing D, how would you get him out of the mess? The damage that has been done to him is horrendous but the man has talent. Surely D believed there was “light at the end of the tunnel” or he never would have agreed to this??!’ Curious? If there is a plan, would do you think it would entail?

cassie1022 answered:  Nonnie, I woke up to reading about this giant shit storm his team has created getting worse (shitstorm? really? it was a GAY website talking about all the straight actors who have played gay characters and gay actors who played straight and gay characters. The website post was not judgmental or cruel- in fact this is what they said

Films are an important voice for a lot of LGBT people as they offer vital representation in society. Actors do an important job of starring as our favourite characters in films. However, very few LGBT roles are filled by openly LGBT actors. Actors who are open about their sexuality are struggling to carve a successful career path for themselves – a fact that is not helped by their heterosexual counterparts filling up roles that some might argue should be reserved for them.PinkNews has compiled all a list of all the Hollywood stars who have gone “gay for pay” on the big screen. We’ve also explored the gay actors who have made a name for themselves playing it straight.

Then they listed along with each actor-most of them A-listers-the movie they were in. That’s it. Hardly career killing.)  They completely crossed the last line they had left with this latest nonsense. Make no mistake, this is a deliberate and vicious attack on D’s character, (is it though? he has said he is straight for 10 years) and it’s being perpetuated by people that are supposed to be operating on his behalf and helping him shine (He just won 4 awards and has his own show in the works which allows him to write, write music, sing, act and produce so I don’t know how you can argue they are not helping him shine) So, the question is, why are they coating him in mud instead? (No the question is why do ccers NOT understand that these stories are written by writers-in this case Joseph McCormic (X)- who create content for the specific website. It is the same as Vogue.com, Just Jared, The Advocate, Bon Apetite, Tasty, Buzfeed, and all the other speciality websites that create content for their readers. Writers pitch stories and then do the research or interviews and write the content. If they had to wait for teams to destroy their clients out of revenge, they would never have enough content to publish regularly and if Ricky sent this info to destroy Darren then Meryl Streep and Benedit Cumberbatch’s teams did so as well) THAT strongly suggests to me that they know their time is drawing to a close and they want to break and damage not just his career, but him, as much as they can. (This is a completely illogical idea that Abby started several years ago. Today @ajw720, @Cassie1022 and @Notes-From-Nowhere mentioned it.  Obviously there is a coordinated attempt to gaslight their readers with this trope. Did Abby sending out “cc talking points” this morning like the gop  always does?). The age old, if I can’t have you, I’m going to destroy you so no one else wants you, prophecy. (”Prophey: noun a prediction of what will happen in the future”. Not the right word here, Cassie. “I’m going to destroy so no one wants you” is abuse, plain and simple. If Ricky was actively and methodically destroying Darren, it would be grounds for Darren to break their contract and pursue legal options against Ricky. Let’s talk about Ricky’s contract- RICKY signed it, Darren didn’t because Darren HIRED Ricky. As a manager, Ricky is legally required to work to further Darren’s best interests.  He is not allowed to use his POA to sign anything that Darren wouldn’t sign himself. That is the law. Also you have been claiming this for the last 4 years-either Ricky sucks at destroying Darren, he is doing the world’s slowest destruction or it’s all bullshit). 

As for attempting to fix this mess? Well, I have to believe that there is some type of plan in place (again you have said this for 4 years). Clearly, he needs to clean house on his team and start over. (Here is where this gets interesting because Cassie lays out a plan for Darren to STOP being Darren and turn himself into Blaine Anderson once and for all) He needs to seek guidance from members of the LGBTQ community that have successfully come out and have the right people working for them (He isn’t gay). The replacements need to be thoroughly and meticulously researched and carefully selected. D needs to shed the dude bro douche image (that IS who Darren is) and get back to being the quirky, loveable goofball (Blaine) that makes you (ME) fall in love with him (because it is HIS job to be the fictitious character you fantasize about?). I suspect he knew exactly what they were planning and that’s why he hasn’t sought more career opportunities on his own.(He just planned a wedding, produced a StarKid reunion, is writing scrips, writing music, producing, acting and singing in Royalties and producing Elsie. He’s very busy). Let’s be honest, D himself is the one that secured his most successful career opportunities.(This isn’t something you know anything about. If Darren finds Ricky’s work lacking then he needs to fire him.) The things his team has gotten him are few and far between and generally only agreed to so their bank accounts grow and they get swag (Again a trope that Abby made up and you all just mindless globbed on to but that you would have NO idea who did what)  

The good news is that people, that are not fandom fanatics, won’t hold a grudge (Actually the ccers are the only ones who hold grudges. The rest of us understand that the healthy adult reaction would be to just find another celeb to like. Getting angry, raging and holding grudges when a celeb doesn’t do what you want them to do is what immature and mentally unwell people do) . Sure, he may take a hit with those outside the fandom, but memories are usually short and people are generally forgiving. He may take a bigger hit within fandom, but I believe he’s charming and sincere enough to rebound (and yet you claim he lies to us now every time he speaks so being sincere isn’t high on your list of criteria for being a fan) . Any fans that walk and don’t come back won’t be missed. I also believe he has a strong support system within the LGBTQ community.(Why? Why would the LGBTQ community strongly support him when he has outright lied about his sexuality so many times over the last decade?  He didn’t just avoid questions or give evasive answers, he spoke at length about his being straight, he even brought it up on his own quite a few times. He refused to be honest about who he is in 2019. That’s fucked up. As pissed as you -a gaggle of straight women- are about the Pink comment, imagine how the gay community will feel when they find out that he lied for 10 years about his sexuality and married a women to keep his secret while he was with Chris and he did so simply to keep his career afloat. The LGTBQ community is writing about him in their  “pay to gay” article, imagine the articles that would come out-“a decade in the closet while married to his husband cuz he wanted  to be an A-lister ” or  “Gay but married his Beard to stay relevant in Hollywood: 2019 edition”. According to cc theory, he isn’t closeted because of concerns about his safety or his family disowning him but because he wanted to be an A-lister....he stays in the closet in exchange for not being blacklisted in Hollywood, that is what you guys tell us. But he could come out and still perform- he could act, write, and produce StarKid, he could pursue music, he could do Broadway and be out and proud. He could likely do Royalties.  In fact, once Royalties is up and going, the “He’s closeted” trope is going to have a hard time standing because there will be no reason for him to be closeted).   So many people that identify as queer LGBTQ genuinely love him (Really? How does a straight women with no connection to the LGBTQ community know that? if you are speaking about Ricky Martin, Justin Trantor,  Elivs Duran, and Chris Colfer, you aren’t speaking about “many people”) and that speaks volumes and will be one of the key components of rinsing the mud left on him by team stupid off and helping him regain his brilliant light. If they believed the nonsense his team is spreading about him, they wouldn’t be friends with him (l don’t think any of his friends real CDAN or PinkNews) . The LGBTQ community is a loving, supportive group, but they won’t tolerate people that use them (exactly why they would not support a closeted Darren). If they thought that was the case with D, they would make it known.

All of this makes me so sad for him. He doesn’t deserves the character assassination that’s happening, especially as it’s at the hands of people he’s paying.

ajw720 @cassie1022 well stated. Completely agree.(Of course you agree, these are your tropes -you wrote them all)

notes-from-nowhere. I believe the plan is to discredit him as much as possible. This will make him less believable once he will be able to say his truth.

People is scared, what D may say once free is making them nervous (if that was true then Darren would have all of the POWER and could blackmail them. They certainly shouldn’t antagonize him even further, that isn't how you keep someone quiet. God, this trope is so stupid) and what we are seeing right now is an attempt to do an earlly damage control. Basically someone is trying to take him away his voice. If they successfully make him look like a liar (what have they done that makes him look like a liar? You guys, on the other hand, say he lies every time he talks about himself), an opportunist and a selfish dick, no one will ever take what he says seriously.(That isn’t how it works. Everyone in Hollywood is an opportunist and a dick- nobody in LA would bat and eye)  It’s maybe their lowest and lousy move since the beginning but as I’ve said earlier, none of them is better than this (huh?). This is how they play this game, the difference from before is that now that the end is near, D forced them to show their moves because he is no longer bending (and yet they have been playing this game for10 years now, they can only play it if Darren lets them...why is he letting them?) .

ajw720. @notes-from-nowhere that’s one of the reasons the sham mockery had to happen (more illogical logic). Because many that know the truth think d is choosing this. And that’s how it will appear in the surface when he is able to tell the truth. They want him to take the blame completely. (HUH? Did you have wine before you wrote this? It makes NO sense at all “Many who know the truth believe d is choosing this”???? YES BECAUSE HE DID CHOOSE MIA)

I won’t let that happen. Their sins are well documented.(Oh Abby, please let us know how you “won't let this happen” and please share the “documented sins”. We all know you believe they are sins but I would love to see how you have documented them.  I’ve read your master posts of evidence and they are all the rants of a mentally unfit person. You have NO power in this so claiming you “won't let this happen is utter nonsense. You sound like Trump)

cc-still-going-strong  Don’t forget he still has C and C’s friends. They are a great ally if D ever wants to win back the LBGT’s hearts. And LBGT community will understand the difficulty he has at the present.(This cracks me up- Darren has never been seen in the same vicinity of any of Chris’s friends in the 9 years we have been following them. He never mentioned or Tweeted them- even back we he wasn’t so cautious on sm.  This is pure fantasy- complete made up nonsense. I’ve already argued why the LGBTQ wouldn’t be thrilled to welcome Darren into their community with open arms) 

There is also a lot of his fans love him for who he is only, so that they will absolutely understand when his dark stage is over. 

The only harm he will ever gets would come from Mi/arren stans, but mostly they are love M because of D, not the opposite. 

There will be light waiting for him if he decides to be free from this BS. After all, he still has us and C (Thank god he has you, I love that Chris comes second in that comment).

ajw720. @cc-still-going-strong I think that the fact that C is still solidly by his side, speaks volumes for D’s character and makes an incredibly strong statement that I think many of the LGBT+ community in hollywood see.  (and what do you see Abby that indicates “Chris is still solidly by his side”? I'm super curious because over her in sane-world, we don’t even see a the most basic of indications of a friendship anymore). 

cc-still-going-strong Absolutely. I believe people who did corporate with him and/or know about C and him, will totally understand and support him.

And I strongly believe that C is still has D’s back. When the vid “Gay for pay” outed, C immediately update his Instagram and Twitter, as a distraction - with a video about a caterpillar in its ugly shape, but one day it will turn into a beautiful monarch. He only said #Savethemonarchs as a way to show his support for HIM. (Proving that the tinhatter are not sane. I cannot with this comment. It’s so ridiculous.... I just can’t. Literally WHO was so distracted by a caterpillar video that they forgot Darren was listed in a “gay for pay”? I also love how she totally wrote an entire story behind the post because that is what ccers do- see a caterpillar tagged #Savethemonarchs? It’s not about the plight of global warning and Monarch butterfly survival NOPE is really about HIM and the caterpiller will turn into a beautiful butterfly just like Darren, gag me) 

ajw720. Could not agree more (of course she agrees). That video was so intentional and such an interesting choice to not show the butterfly. Just the caterpillar.(blah blah blah blergh) That’s d and his current state. And d is going to emerge as a stunning monarch.

leka-1998 I’ve always liked that song but (Leka believing life is just a big episode of Glee)

“Don’t let them get you down

You’re the best thing I’ve seen”

is probably my favorite part.

cc-still-going-strong Not only the video but also the song choice.

Still going strong, guys.

[harmonal]

Hidden Boarding school Au set in their final year. Y/n suddenly feels her life shift when she sees a familiar face walk into her Biology class. Part 1 of 2

Pairing: Jimin x Oc/Reader

Word count: 6,000 +

Genre: Fluffiest of Fluff with some Angst

Warnings: None so far!

Authors Note: This started as a dream I had the day before valentines and I just had to write it down! Thank you for reading all my dribbles.

Rowland Private School became not only a home but it became my life. 6 years I had spent walking through the Victorian style building, it’s dreary outside contrasted with it gothic designs within its walls. A 10ft hedge surrounded the perimeter, its presence essentially shielding the building from the outside world and in turn preventing us from seeing what lay beyond.

Don’t be confused, I had enjoyed my time here. It gave me the best education I could hope for but with only 1 year left, I felt a dread slowly build inside me as each day past. The eventual departure into the adult world was coming up too fast, I was not in any way prepared. I would laugh a long with friends, well class mates, as they joked about the situation. Many already had futures with their families, CEO positions, businesses to take over, some to become doctors, some heirs to thrones, some planned to take a gap year and here I sat unsure. I hadn’t seen my parents in 2 years, my mother abroad on some diplomatic business and my father in Australia running the family business. I had been sent here as a spritely 11 year old and I haven’t left since. It was the first day of the semester, Biology class with Dr Park. A middle aged woman, her dark hair cut into a stylish bob which matched her choice of outfit. She had always chosen her outfits carefully to match the status of the school. This wasn’t a place to wear a fuzzy jumper or jeans. The class struggled to settle with the excited conversations of summer adventures and plans for the rest of the year. Several boys boomed with laughter from along the back row. Their faces just out of eyesight but I could easily imagine their eyes squeezed shut with tears as they continued their conversations. Dr Park tapped the board and the class become quiet, yet not everyone was focused as she wanted. I snorted as paper aeroplane flew across the room and hit the boy next to me in the face. My hand instantly covering my lips.

“Y/n is there an issue?”

Dr Park shouted across the classroom, her hand gripped onto her pen tighter as she paused mid sentence.

“No Dr Park. I’m sorry.” I could see the floor just swallowing me up, I hated the way my cheeks burned when attention was on me.

Instinctively I covered my face more with my small hands, the cooler touch of skin on skin helped with the blush.

“Are you okay Tae.” I whispered to him. Taeyung was one of the few I would call a friend. He gave me one of his signature box smiles in response, his eyes were soft and glowed with the autumn sun that cascaded upon his features. I nodded and picked my pencil up, I tried to focus, Biology was one of my strongest classes. I originally had aspirations of becoming s doctor, maybe a vet, I wasn’t so sure anymore. Classmates head began to turn towards the door and out of curiosity I did too. What I saw was a mop of blonde hair that covered his face, a frame slight under the same uniform we wore for school. Yet his face showed so much distaste.

“Ah good, class please.”

Dr Park coughed as she ushered the boy to her side. His posture one of apprehension standing in front of everyone , his face still looked to the floor, soft eyelashes outline dark eyes as they scanned the feet of the students in the front row.

“We have a new student starting with us today who will join us for the final year here at Rowlands.”

The classroom murmured as they took in the boy who stood before us, his hands ran through his hair nervously as Dr Park nudged him forward.

“Please take the seat at the back for me.”

The only empty seat at the back sat behind myself and Tae, he casually walked towards his seat as Dr Park caught our attention again. Two large diagrams filled the board. “Now, who can tell me the difference between an Animal Cell and a Plant cell?”

.…

“Did you see the way those girls looked that new kid today?” I laughed as Taeyung hung himself upside down beside my on the bed. His legs stretched up my wall and his arms fell behind him touching the floor with his finger tips. He was an odd ball.

“Do you know his name?”

He suggested. He had obviously been lost in his thoughts, his eyes looking towards the pattern of stars on my ceiling.

“Err no. I don’t.”

“I bet Jungkook would know,” he smiled as he shifted onto his stomach and reached for his phone. The screen shone with a selfie of us, a beautiful summers day last month that we had shared. Yet again my parents had left me here instead of having me at home and Tae was kind enough to stay too. My shoulders slipped down the wall until I was laying parallel to him. “Jungkookie knows everything,” he smirked searching for the boys contact. Tae presses call and waited as the dial tone blasted through his phone.

“Tae Hyung, what’s up!” His voice blared against the rumble of voices around him.

“JungKook, I need some information. Do you know anything about this new boy in our year? He came into Dr Parks Biology class this morning. “

“You mean the blonde one who’s sat right next to me.” He laughed, my body suddenly tensed up. “It’s Jimin. Man, I haven’t seen this kid for years since I was in Busan!”

Tae turned towards you, mouthing the words Busan, his eyes searching yours for any indication of an answer.

“Ah thanks bro, I’ll speak to you later.” He sat up pressing his shoulder to mine. His phone locked in his hand and he threw it off the bed. “Well?”

“Jimin from Busan? Don’t know him.”

My voice hitched as I said that name, the words tasted like vomit as I tried to keep my nerve, how could I look Tae dead in the eye and lie to him. I did know a Jimin, I knew Park Jimin. How could you ever forget your the name of your childhood friend. The small chubby boy with glasses that would accompany you anywhere. His voice echoed in your mind, the sound of giggles and screaming as you would play in the sea. But those memories were merely on the distance and it was now the present, they weren’t relevant anymore. It couldn’t be the same boy. Not after he left you, his family left yours, the hatred your parents had for them. You were separated and was told to forget him. And he to forget you too.

...

“His name is Park Jimin.”

“Do you think he’s related to Dr Park.”

“He sure is handsome.”

“He’s adorable.”

“Apparently he’s up for the soccer team.”

“He used to play for his old school.”

“I wonder why he moved schools”

“Do you think he got in trouble ?”

“Expelled?”

“Maybe something illegal ?”

It was endless, it had been a week since he first came into that classroom. I hugged my knees closer as I say between some girls from my class. The warm sun shone above as we waited for our turn again during our physical education class. Mr Kim had decided on a British sport called Rounders, like the American Baseball but less shouting and sliding. He mixed the classes so girls and boys were together. To my dismay Jimin had been put on my team yet no one else seemed to mind. The girls all seemed to just fall to his feet and it was turning me sick.

Lisa and Rose blushed as he looked our way, he sat just behind me in the line. They had not stopped chatting about him since the start of class, I merely nodded when they expected a response. Maybe the eye rolls weren’t a big enough hint for them. I smiled sweetly as I stood for my turn to bat, I wasn’t the best at sports but I’d give it a good go when I had to. I begrudgingly pulled down the silly sports skirt I was wearing, why the school chose such ridiculing uniforms I didn’t know. I took my stance in front of Jungkook who was enjoying pitching, his powerful throws caught most off guard but I knew him well enough now .

“Cmon kookie,” I blew him a kiss, “show me your worst.”

He smirked in reply and threw the ball square at me, I quickly swapped hands and back handed it to the right. Jungkook jaw hung low in surprise as i began to speed towards the first base and then the second and the third. If only I was fast enough but smaller student named Min Yoongi had already thrown it to forth.

I hesitated behind a tall boy at third, his long arms ready for the ball. I recognised him as Taeyungs room mate, a joyful character named Jung Hoseok but they all called him J hope. I could see why, his smiled out shone anyone around him, I looked towards the base and saw Jimin take the bat I had ditched just moments ago. It was becoming later in the day now, the orange sun cast behind him and silhouetted his body. He had matured into his body, no longer chubby but a defined arms, chest and legs. I shook my head, no, it wasn’t the same guy. I had to get that silly idea out of my head. Park was a common name and there has to be more than one Park Jimin in Korea.

“Y/n run!” I heard Tae scream from the side lines, in daydream moment Jimin had hit the ball hard and it was heading straight towards me and at my head.

I swore as it collided hard against my skull and as my body hit the ground. The pain throbbed as I pressed my hand to my face. It had hit my forehead, I could already feel a bruise forming and tears building in my eyes.

“Are you okay, I’m so sorry.” The hands were soft, fingers light as one hand wrapped around my arm and the other under my chin. My eyes met his, his iris dark ,his nose scrunched when he was unsure.

“Y/n”. His voice breathy and shocked. His grip loosened as the crowd formed around us.

“Now now, everyone back away.”

Mr Kim forced his way through the students. “Are you able to stand”. He asked me as he nudged Jimin out of the way. Mr Kim reached down and grabbed my hand, his strength pulled me up and I wobbled as I stood. My head hurt beyond belief, my stomach began to do flips. I almost fell straight back down.

“Okay okay. Looks like a concussion to me. I think it’s time for you to go back to the dorms.” I nodded closing my eyes, the earth seemed to move below my feet, stars appeared and my vision became dark.

... My eyes felt groggy as I peered open into the room. The pillow felt soft against my head, woollen blanket covered my bare legs. I suddenly shot up in the bed, why were my legs bare ? What happened to my uniform. I looked down and just saw my bra and underwear. Instinctively i drew the blanket close to my body and wrapped it around myself. “At least I’m still in my room,” I quietly laughed to myself, I winced as the pain shot through my head.

The sun had already began to set, the shadows cast along my tiny room. I looked to my desk, I grabbed the small mirror and looked at my face. I didn’t look too bad, the bruising sat above my right eye, it had already started to turn purple but luckily not much swelling. I hesitated to touch it.

The closed door of my bathroom unlocked, instantly I reacted and threw the mirror in its direction . A shocked Jimin stood with his hands up defensively, eyes wide like a doe. The mirror shattered on the floor and I felt my heart sank, it was one of my oldest possessions .

“What are you doing in here?!” I demanded, holding the blanket tighter to my semi naked body.

“Whoah I come in peace little dumpling.”

I squeaked at the name, it wasn’t something I had heard for 10 years.

“I brought you back to your room.” “How do you know where I stayed?”

I felt my voice become higher, I was panicking. I wasn’t sure why.

“Taeyung and Jungkook showed me.” Traitors, the both of them. He still had his hands up in the air.

“Look, now you’re awake I guess I’ll leave. I’m sorry.”

“For what?” My voice felt bitter. “For your head.. and I guess that mirror .” As he smiled you could see his eyes light up, the same as they did earlier.

“So I’ll see you around“. He smiled once more walking towards the door. I stood still, one hand against my chest and another on the desk. My heart rate was sky high, my mind racing.

What had just happened. Park Jimin was in my room. He saw me in my underwear. Heat filled my cheeks once more, I had become irrational in the moment.

I grabbed my phone and two texts appeared .

Taetae [one way to entertain the class. that was crazy how you managed to throw up everywhere. Give me a text when you’re up and ready for dinner! ]

Unknown [Im sorry again]

That would explain the lack of clothes. Concussion did normally lead to nausea and memory loss. I sat back on the bed, waving my fingers over the two texts. Undecided who to reply to first.

Y/n [meet me for dinner in 10 mins?]

Taetae [sure, I’m already down in the hall with Jungkook].

Great, he was probably enjoying all of this. His childish nature brought out the worst in Tae. I sighed and slowly reached for casual wear in my bed side draws before applying as much concealer as possible to my forehead through wincing. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was the talk of the school now after that mishap and sure enough, all conversations stopped as I walked in and sat behind the boys.

“Ah here she is,” Tae wrapped his arm around my shoulder as I sat next to him. “Your head looks alright,” tilting his head to have a better view, “does it hurt?”

He giggled as I pushed away from the pain of his finger pressing into my forehead.

“You little ..” I pressed my lip to stop the curse, his hand now by his side. I looked around the table. Tae sat next to Jungkook, with yoongi, j hope on the other side. They all seemed too engrossed with food to notice another person sit down. He sat next to Jungkook on the opposite side to me. The six of us on the end of the bench like tables. I couldn’t not notice the bright blonde in this light , the colour suited him, it defined his face. Soft features now formed into a straight cut jaw, sharp lines, smokey eyes which seemed to stare into your soul.

Jimin coughed suddenly , I had been staring far too long and he noticed.

“How are you feeling?” It was almost a whisper, as though he didn’t want anyone else to hear. “I’m okay.” I really needed to get over myself, he made my heart jump a beat each time his eyes met mine. He made me flustered. He made weak. He made me frustrated with myself. Tae nudged me in the ribs.

“Lisa has some crazy idea that she wants to have a party now the snooty old prefects are gone! You in?”

“When is it?” I questioned, my body turning to his.

“Tomorrow night.” He smiled.

“But that’s a Tuesday night.” I spoke in hush, surprised at the day in question.

“The teachers wouldn’t expect it. Less patrol and less prefects to interfere.”

“I’m in.” I needed some fun for once. The same old routine was becoming bleak and boring.

“You wanna come Jimin? Be a good chance to meet some of the girls.” Jungkook called across the table, Jimin looked up from his plate to me and then to Kookie. His face complex. I watched as he pondered his decision, the corner of his lips turning up as a smirk appeared. His eyes met with mine.

“Sure why not.” Why was he staring at me like that. It made me shiver, if it wasn’t for the warm body of Tae almost pressed next to me on the bench then I would have assumed I was cold.

“Good. It’s a plan then. I think Lisa said she’s just gonna hold it in the common room. I know all the soccer team are already going.”

“No surprise there.” I snorted, ideally stirring the peas on my plate, avoiding the eye contact that burnt into my head.

“Well you know what she’s like.” Tae said dramatically. “Remember that one year . Her and Taemin got caught in the lower hall toilets.”

“No way!” Jimin laughed. “Did they get in trouble?”

“Well no. Her daddy paid off the school to keep quiet. She didn’t however.” I rolled my eyes.

“Are all the girls in this school sluts then?” Jimin questioned.

“What’s that supposed to mean.” I snapped.

“Well I’ve already seen one in their underwear.” His voice playful as the table started to roar; J hope laughing as Yoongi almost spat his food everywhere, Jungkook slapping the table laughing as Tae questioned Jimin.

“Who’s the girl? Duh you’ve only been here 5 mins and already a hit.” He smiled at Jimin. But Jimin still had his eyes locked on mine. Who did he think he was. Tae was right, he’s only just arrived at the school and wants to give off that impression. I guess he wanted to be known as a player then.

“Okay, games in our room?” Tae stood up from his spot almost tipping me off the edge of the bench.

“Cmon Jimin, why don’t you join us? I’m sure Jungkook needs to some fresh competition around here. Y/n, you coming?”

“Yeah guess so, I was that hungry anyways.” I placed my fork down on the half empty plate and walked after Tae towards the dorms, shamefully aware of Jimin walking behind me. I consciously continued to have the conversation in my own head, was he really the same child I knew.

... I was still attempting to convince myself otherwise several hours later as I sat on the floor with my back against Taes bed. Jungkook and J hope fully indulged in a game of Mario Kart. Some students were blessed with more lavish rooms provided by their parents, Taeyung not being an exception. His parents were art dealers and ran several galleries across Asia and Australia. His side of room hung replicas of his favourites, whilst J hope had some random K pop posters on his walls. He says it’s like nostalgia to him seeing bedrooms the way they were 10 years ago. I just enjoyed looking at the girls outfits if I was honest.

I relaxed my head against the soft mattress of Taes bed, Tae sat next to me on the floor whilst Jimin, J hope and Jungkook sat on the bed. You could feel the bed move as they over exaggerated their movements on the screen. It was funny, I couldn’t deny it. J hope always knew how to light up the room with his jokes and funny gestures. Jimin had been unsurprisingly quiet, well he was quiet compared to the rest of them. They all wouldn’t shut up. He did remind me of that child but the one I knew wasn’t shameful, boastful or generally an ego-tistic person who this Jimin was. The way he stared, the way he smirked. I internally groaned, I took my phone out to pass the time. Flicking through social media to pass the time, seeing Lisa’s latest twitter update advertising her party. My phone vibrates with the text message tone.

Unknown [you never replied to my message earlier]

Y/n [who is this? And how did you get my number?]

Humming under my breath. I knew exactly who it was, it was more the method he got my number. It was though I could feel his breath on the bass of my neck, the heat from him behind me. I knew his legs were crossed and I could feel his weight dipping the mattress.

Unknown [now now dumpling. How could you forget me?]

Y/n [how could you forget me Jimin]

I heard him laugh under his breath. That was a bold text, more of a test. I waited for a reply but none came, the boys were settling down now. It was getting close to curfew when we all had to be in our rooms. The only disadvantage about a boarding school is the rules. One of the only reasons I was looking forward to leaving, I could make my own rules .

“Okay guys, I’m gonna head to bed. Got some homework to do anyways. Thanks for the fun!”

“But Y/n you didn’t even go against me!” Jungkook pouted at me, his soft young features made him look like a child.

“Next time Kookie. I promise!” I waved at everyone before opening their door and leaving.

The hallways were quiet at this time of night, many students were already in their rooms. Many studying or doing homework. Curfew had always been strict for us, all students regardless of age or class had to be in their rooms by 8.30pm sharp. The social scene wasn’t huge at Rowland’s but we made do with the little events we had. We had a prom every summer and a winter formal, it was just some excuse for the older kids to sneak in alcohol and take advantage of the later curfew. The school might be for the higher end students but they sure didn’t act it when it came to having fun. Lisa was a prime example, Jungkook or Tae weren’t saints either. The memories of their phones being confiscated due to a group chat they created, you can only imagine what it included. A tune hummed between my lips, soft melody raising and falling, it was of my favourite piano tune. One I could never remember the name to but could hum the whole song effortlessly.

The girls dormitory was in a separate wing to the boys, you had to walk down a back hall way past the open gardens of the school and up a floor. I aimlessly scrolled through my phone as I walked, notifications of group chats, a text from Tae appeared. I stopped to open it up, too many times I’ve walked straight into dorm thing whilst engrossed with my phone.

Tae [you seemed a little off this evening. You okay?]

Y/n [i’m good, don’t worry about me 😘]

“Y/n.” I thought my heart had jumped from my own chest, the sudden voice caused myself to jump and almost drop my phone. I stumbled as grabbed it before it hit the floor, my hand reached for the wall to push myself back up.

“Jimin.” I attempted to catch my breath back again as i spun to him.

“Why’d you scare me like that!” “Sorry.” He looked to his shoes.

“You need to stop saying sorry.”

“Okay.” We both stood there, only the moonlight to illuminate the hallways through the ceiling high windows. It felt awkward, as though neither of us knew what to say.

“Look..” “Y/n..”

We both spoke at the same time, both gesturing for the other one to speak.

“I got your number from Tae.” He said first. He looked sincerely at me as to encourage me not to retaliate once more. Maybe he remembered the mirror incident earlier too well. “I asked for it last week, when I saw you sitting with him in that Biology class. I wanted to see if my mind was really playing tricks on me Y/n. My parents told me i’d never see to you again.” He stepped closer, his fingers reached for my face , brushing stray parts of my fringe from my face.

“It’s not swollen much has it?” He smiled into his chest as his fingers lingered touching my skin. It stung where he lightly pressed but I couldn’t concentrate with his close he was. His eyes were the same, how I could I not realise before but they were the same. The small sweet smile, I looked up to him as he towered over me. He may be shorter compared to the other guys but he was still taller than me.

“It really is you. Isn’t it?” My voice small and faint, not really believing what I was saying.

“Who else would I be? Little dumpling?” He shook his head and took a step back from me, hands trembling as he ran his fingers through his hair.

“Why did you leave?” I knew I should have eased in with a better question but it was all I could think of.

“My father made that decision.” His back now turned away from me. “I.. we.. they didn’t want us to talk to each other any more. Our families decided.. they..”

“They what Jimin?”

“Nothing. Actually I don’t even know I thought it would be a good idea to come here, to this school.”

“Pardon?” He turned and looked at me, dead in the eyes with his lips sealed shut. “Jimin. What aren’t you saying?” I pushed further. My mind racing. My eyebrows knitted together causing my head to throb slightly.

I wasn’t the type of person to enjoy having secrets kept from me, especially from someone like this. I knew him but didn’t at the same time. A decade had passed since we properly knew one another, now he stood before stammering as though the words were stuck in his throat.

“Nothing. Let’s pretend I didn’t say anything.”

“No. You can’t do that!” I began to yell. Grabbing onto his hoody.

“You can’t just re appear in my life like that. Acting all strange around me. One moment being kind and then an asshole when the guys are around. What do you take me for? Some dumb blonde.” I could feel the rage burning inside, there was confusion, distraught and most of all frustration. “I haven’t seen you for 10 years and you’ve yet to grow up. We’re 18 not 8 anymore.” The words echoed down the empty hall. He still stood before me, watching me, that same stare he did before, it made me itch.

“Just tell me what you want to say!” I demanded once more. “Jimin.” It felt more like a please at this point. My body was pushed against the cool glass of the window, soft hands pressing my face into his. His gentle lips touching mine, all I could do was whimper at sensation. My arms had gone limp and my hand released the grip on his hoody. In my mind what felt like minutes was only seconds, my lungs had forgotten to function and I gasped for my air as he pulled away. He placed his finger against my lips.

“Shh. Someone is coming.” Panic began to set in as I saw the clock on the wall behind his head. It read 8.40pm, 20 mins past curfew. We were going to be in trouble. Not only for being up late but also Jimin not even being near his dorm at all.

Footsteps seemed to become closer in the hall. I tilted my head in the direction of my dormitories. Jimin nodded his head in response, we navigated ourselves in between the shadows til we reached the door. “Quick!” I whispered as I pushed it open. The sound of the door clicking shut was louder than expected and I heard the disgruntled voice beyond it. Shaken, I scrambled for my keys in my pocket. The small silver key that belonged to my dorm room door slammed into the lock and with a wiggle I pushed the door open.

We collapsed against his other on the floor, mirroring each other’s actions as we sat with backs against the door. Almost feeling as the action would create more security. I turned my head to face him once more, his lips were parted as he was breathing heavily. Gentle strands of blonde hair hung from his forehead. Eyes narrowed as they looked back at me. I could have easily been lost in that moment and didn’t care.

“What was that kiss about back there?” I whispered once more.

“It was the quickest way I thought to shut you up.” He weakly smiled.

“You never answered the question either.”

“I think it’s time I should go back to my room.” He began to stand to his feet.

“No. You still haven’t answered.” I stubbornly replied and I attempted to get to my feet too.

I watched as his hands pulled the door open and taking a quick glance outside.

“Good night Y/n.” I looked up to him again, he gently placed a kiss on my cheek before walking straight out of my room, and essentially disappearing again whilst my mind had so many questions. ....

My eyes were still open when the first alarm blared next to me. I didn’t need to turn my head as I swung my arm at the phone.

A million voices circled my mind as I tried to conjure up an answer for last night. Why did this happen, what did my parents try to hide, what was I meant to do now? Just go on as normal? I had tried to texted Jimin but no reply I assumed he was asleep. I rubbed my eyes rigorously in a feeble attempt of erasing the sore, dry crust that had disgustingly formed around them.

“Eww.” I muttered whilst pottering around to gather uniform for breakfast. No end of make up could hide the purple circle under my eyes, matched with a now yellow/green bruise on my forehead. I wasn’t even sure how I could have forgotten about that. About the incident, about jimin seeing me in this room. Without clothes on. The thought made me shiver.

It wasn’t as though I was shy with my sexuality or body, I wasn’t. Lisa had made sure of that over the years.

But that felt too intimate for us, I struggled to envision it. Both of us to be that close to each other, I won’t deny ever fantasising about it but I was constantly reminded about how much like brother and sister we were. So it eventually left a sick feeling in my mouth any time I thought of him any other way than my brother.

Now I felt frustrated with the memories, I remember the day it happened, we all had been around the Parks for dinner. The father had just come home and my parents said we were leaving. And that was it, i was enrolled with Rowlands the next week and sent on my way. Why didn’t I push more for it? Maybe I was too excited to finally be away and in boarding school. I missed Busan dearly.

... The usual suspects sat around our normal breakfast table, Yoongi deep into his notes as a strong beat thumped in his headphones, J hope was chatting to Jungkook who smiled as I sat next to him.

“Good morning Miss Zombie.” They both giggled. I did my best attempt of a stare which only created more giggles.

“Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” Jungkook continued, he rolled his eyes before turning back to J hope in their conversation. Tae looked at me concerned, he reached over the table with his hand, a simple yet deep gesture.

“I��m okay.” I whispered to him. He wasn’t stupid, he knew something wasn’t right. I didn’t want to burden him with anything though, he already had enough on his plate with the pressure from his parents. However, his deep eyes seemed to suck my soul in and I couldn’t resist telling him things. It was though he was begging me as he kept the eye contact.

“Am I interrupting?” Jimin smirked as he sat next to Tae. He eyed me up, I felt naked as he scanned my face and hung on my eyes. There wasn’t a blanket to hide behind this time, yesterday had felt like it happened months ago. I looked back to Tae and in that moment he knew. He knew it was Jimin.

I wanted to cry, I wasn’t normally a crier but between the situation and my lack of sleep, and with the head ache that had started to pound I could feel the tears begin to fill my eyes.

“I don’t feel well. I’m gonna go to the nurse.” I stood up sluggish and walked out, my movements slow as I staggered out of the canteen and towards the nurses office by the front reception. But heavy footsteps and voice stopped me.

“Wait Y/n.” I was happy and equally disappointed as I turned and saw Tae. “Cmon lets go talk somewhere.”

I simply nodded, no words to respond even if I did my voice wouldn’t have made a single word without bawling.

He dragged me into the nearest empty classroom, as soon as the door clicked shut. He pulled me close and held me tight. The familiar smell, his aftershave smelt strong and the warmth from his skin made my face burn.

We stayed still like this was a few minutes whilst he rubbed circles into my back as I attempted to fight back the tears. I needed to stop, I needed to calm down. I was over reacting and it was making me more frustrated. The more frustrated I became, the more tears began to fall down my cheeks and Tae in turn held me tighter.

I sniffles and began to pull away. “I’m sorry.” Attempting to laugh in between the tears. I rested my arms back against a table facing Tae. He smiled at me sympathetically.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“It’s really complicated.” I wiped the corner of my eye with my right sleeve, the wool material scratching my skin.

“Try me.” He folded his arms as he mirrored your actions and leaned against the adjacent table.

“I knew Jimin before last week.” I looked at him to gage a reaction. However, he didn’t even move an inche but silence implied for me to continue. “My parents and his were close, we were close. Then suddenly we weren’t. I got shipped to this school and never saw him again til last week. I had no way to contact him or even know where he was. Then he spoke to me last night, said some things... did something and now here I am with no make up on, haven’t slept at all and crying my eyes out to my best friend cause some of guy.” Tears re-emerged as I tried to control myself.

“Sorry I’m just getting frustrated.”

“It’s okay. What did he say? If you don’t mind me asking ?”

“That his father decided we couldn’t be friends anymore basically. I asked him what that meant but he wouldn’t tell me. I just want to know Tae, I was stupid to never question it as a child but he kissed me Tae. Jimin kissed me.”

The colour slowly drained from Taes face, his expression like stone but his eyes gave him away. He didn’t like that, he really didn’t like the idea of Jimin kissing me. Tae had always assumed the big brother role, defending me and protecting me. It didn’t surprise me he was trying to do it again.

“Well did you want that?”

“I don’t know . Maybe? No? I don’t know.” I felt dramatic. I was over this conversation already. “ I think I feel better now.” I looked to him as though to plead not to continue. “Okay lets go.”

[missblanchette]

Rumor Has It [7/10]

Series: Hypnosis Mic

Characters: Izanami Hifumi/Yumeno Gentaro; Amemura Ramuda, Arisugawa Dice

Rating: T

Summary: Thousands of hearts broke that day. With tears shed and cries resounding to the heavens, each grief-stricken woman wondered how this could possibly happen. In the year 20XX of the H. Era, Matenrou’s MC GIGOLO and Fling Posse’s MC Phantom were officially in a relationship.

Except they weren’t, actually.

Words: 4,113 words

ko-fi // Ch. 1 | Ch. 2 | Ch. 3 | Ch. 4 | Ch. 5 | Ch. 6 | You can read this on AO3! Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy!  (,, ･∀･)ﾉ゛

Ch. 7: The Heart in a Fog

"Gentarooo~ Why didn't you tell us you and your boy toy were serious?" wasn't the first thing Gentaro expected to hear once he sat down at Fling Posse's usual cafe for their "Play Time" (team bonding, as Ramuda put it; never mind that they stayed at either his or Ramuda's place a majority of the week), but their dear leader had never been the most predictable. The whine of Ramuda’s voice sounded like a tease than anything else, but his baby blue eyes held a scrutinizing glint to them. Cup of tea in hand and a bag of Hifumi's belongings hanging around his wrist, Gentaro supposed this was karma for arriving five minutes late.

"What? You got a boyfriend?" Dice asked between mouthfuls of a crepe.

Feigning offense, Gentaro placed a hand over chest. "Yes, you didn't realize? We've been going out for some time now. He's one hundred seventy-seven centimeters tall, has blue hair, and likes to freeload."

"Sounds kinda ugly." Dice's face scrunched up. "Wait --"

"Nope, nope, nope-y, nope! ★" Ramuda singsonged, booping Gentaro's nose. "I mean the other boyfriend who's one-seventy-nine centimeters, definitely not a real blond, and lives in Shinjuku."

Gentaro's brow creased as he pretended to ponder over the description. "Who ever are you talking about? I would've told you if he existed."

"But you were with him right here?"

Ramuda turned his phone towards him and lo and behold, the picture of him and Hifumi sitting together at Sakuragaoka-cho Street laid on the screen. Barely sparing it a glance, Gentaro took a sip of his tea.

"Ah, but that's not exactly me. That's my doppelgänger."

"Your dopa-what?" Dice said.

"My lookalike, another person who shares the same face as me. An evil twin, as some say."

Ramuda's eyes bulged wide. Making a noise of awe, he looked back and forth between the picture and Gentaro.

"Really, really? Don't they say you die after meeting your doppelgänger?" He tilted his head, lips puckered in bewilderment.

"Oh, certainly. I died not too long after laying sight upon them. My MC name is 'Phantom' for a reason, you know."

Slapping his cheek with a pop, Ramuda's jaw dropped.

"Wow~ ★ How neat, how neat! We have a real ghostie on our team!" He hopped forward in his seat with sparkles surrounding his big eyes. "Can I put my hand through you?"

Before Gentaro could answer, Dice reached out and smashed Gentaro’s cheeks in between his hand. He turned his head left and right, up and down; once more, all around.

"Ghost, schmost. I can touch ya jus' fine!"

Chuckling, Gentaro pried Dice's fingers off his face. "Yes, you've caught me. That was a lie."

"Whaaa, so Gentaro's not really a ghost?"

"I'm sorry to disappoint, but I'm flesh through and through," he said, pulling his cheek to prove it. "Though I will say that I'm appalled that you're using that image, Ramuda. It's old news by now."

"Ah, ah, ah~ It's not old news if it's still relevant." With a finely manicured finger, Ramuda pointed at the bag at his side. "You just don't carry another guy's stuff around for no reason! A~nd I know for a fact those aren't your style."

His years of lying paid off, allowing Gentaro to maintain a straight face at the comment. He hadn't mentioned what was in the bag since he sat down, let alone bring attention to the bag itself. To top it off, it wasn't see-through. Keen underneath the ditziness, Ramuda was an interesting one for sure.

"Damn, Ramuda, what if he's trynna experiment?" Dice piped up, bless his soul. "Guy can't wear what he wanna wear?"

"I merely borrowed these from an acquaintance," Gentaro said, nodding a small thanks to Dice. "I'm meeting up with them later, so I'll be returning these to them."

"An acquaintance you've been texting all week~?"

As if selling him out, the chime of a LINE message rang through; Gentaro's hand an even worse traitor, having reached to pull his phone out on instinct. He caught himself before he could do so, but Ramuda simply smirked at him and Dice raised a brow as he munched away at his food. Gentaro cleared his throat and took a sip of his tea.

"Purely business, I assure you."

"Must be some fun kinda business since you've been so glued to your phone lately!"

"Yeah, actually..." Dice's chewing slowed to a stop. "You said you've been workin' on your next book, but I always see ya textin' someone and smilin' at your desk."

Gentaro shrugged nonchalantly. "What can I say? Business is going well."

Smirk ever present, Ramuda drank the last of his bubble tea in reply, slurping loudly against the cafe's white noise as he sucked up air through the straw. Setting the cup down with a plop, Ramuda's nails click-clacked against the table.

"Y'know, Gentaro --" Like sharing a secret, he scooched in closer. "-- the whole thing with you and that Hifumi really went viral, and that got me thinking 'bout what we can do to boost Fling Posse's popularity for next season."

"Is it choreography? The idol image is very big in Chuuoku."

"Nope! But that's a good idea, I should add that to our next practice session~"

"Fuck no, I can't dance for shit --"

"B~ut, what I had in mind is that me and you should make it seem like we're dating! ♥"

"Hm, a fake dating scenario, is it?" Taking the longer strands of Ramuda's hair, Gentaro twirled it around his finger before cupping his cheek. Ramuda giggled and leaned into his palm. "The love story between a leader and his second-in-command, defying all odds and overcoming their struggles together; a tale of secrecy, mystery, and passion. How romantic."

"Hey, hey, hey, whatta 'bout me?" Dice said. "Can I be in the story?"

"Featuring their idiot third member."

"Shit, bro, after all we been through? Just gonna do me dirty like that?"

Gentaro stifled his snicker behind his sleeve. "Their idiot third member who ends up winning them the grand prize due to his immense luck."

He nodded approvingly. "That's more like it."

Clapping his hands, Ramuda laughed. "See, see! We got the perfect set up for it already so let's give it a shot! ★"

Lips quirking up, Gentaro shook his head.

"As compelling as it sounds, I don't think it's the best idea." He gave Ramuda's cheek a pat before pulling away. "Something like that will only lead to a disaster in the long run."

"Aw, boo-y. 💔" Ramuda pouted, but soon set his sights on Dice. "Looks like it's up to us then, Dicey-Dice!"

"Yeah? What we gonna do?"

He hummed while tapping his chin, baby blues scanning the cafe. "I know! You go over to that corner and I'll kabedon you! Gentaro can take the pic."

"...Shouldn't it be the other way 'round 'cause I'm taller?"

"Yeah, but I'm the leader! ★" Ramuda grinned as he pointed to himself. "Oh, maybe I'll get on Gentaro's shoulders and we'll both kabedon you."

"Hol' up, hol' up! Why's it gotta be me gettin' slammed on?"

"Don't you know, Dice? The elders must establish their dominance over the weak," said Gentaro matter-of-factly.

At that, Ramuda’s laughter filled the cafe and Gentaro joined in with a small huff. Dice squinted and jabbed his crepe at the two of them, whipped cream flying onto the table.

"Oi, who ya callin’ ‘weak’?!"

“The one who owes me a hundred thousand yen,” Gentaro teased. His eyes fell to his watch then, his plans for the afternoon fast approaching. “I’m afraid I’ll have to give Ramuda the honors of dominating you, though, since I have to be going now.”

Pouting, Ramuda tugged on his sleeve. "Awww, but you just got here."

"Forgive me, but business calls." He stood up and drew his arm out from Ramuda’s grip before making sure all his things were in order.

"The fun kinda business?"

"Business is business."

"A'ight, well, we'll be here when you're done," said Dice, waving at him.

"There’s no need to wait for me. It'll be an all day affair."

"Ooh, so the super fun kinda business~? ♥"

Gentaro gestured vaguely, but he couldn't help the curl of his lips. "Business."

----------------

A ghost of a smile growing on his face, Gentaro pocketed his phone and set off to meet Hifumi. Sakuragaoka-cho Street wasn't too far from the cafe, but he walked with a hurry to his gait and a bounce to his steps nevertheless. Admittedly, Hifumi's invitation had caught him off guard; another meeting so soon, with nary much detail besides "meet me at sakuragaoka-cho!!" and a plethora of stickers and hearts. Gentaro had half the mind to turn him down, but his fingers had worked faster than his head and he accepted.

He didn't regret his decision, though. In between their frequent conversations, the words to his manuscript flowed more easily since their outing; a spark, of sorts, having been lit after all the impromptu stories they created together and the back-and-forth they shared. Contrary to the voice in the back of his head that wished to see Hifumi for desire’s sake, he justified this rendezvous with the notion that meeting up with him would provide insight and bolster creativity.

Ever the punctual one, Gentaro stopped short when he spotted the familiar head of blond and lime standing near one of the sakura trees. Truly "next time" had arrived sooner than he thought it would -- had arrived when he thought it wouldn't at all -- but seeing Hifumi in person again, somehow he didn't mind. Not wasting a further second, Gentaro hurried on.

"Oh, is my watch running slow? It appears you're here on time, Izanami-san." A teasing lilt to his words, Gentaro tapped at his watch for the show of it. Expecting that perky voice of his to crack back, his lips tugged up as he neared him.

But Gentaro heard it before he saw it.

"Of course, Yumeno-sensei," Hifumi said in that flirtatious inflection of his. Given the tone, Gentaro's eyes wandered down to see him wearing his suit -- prim and proper, rather than haphazardly thrown on to avoid his fears. "I'm not one to keep a dear friend waiting."

Handsome as he was, the hands hidden behind Hifumi's back spoke of something more. Tips of red peeped out from his sides, swaying to the spring breeze. Anticipation and apprehension blending together, Gentaro pushed them down.

"What's this? All dressed up in your suit attire, are you?" Gentaro gave him a look, gesturing up and down at his person. "Don't tell me you've called me to act as your shield."

Hifumi chuckled, the once strident noise now sonorous to his ears. "No, I know better than to call a friend out for something so silly as that. I have other plans for us, actually."

"Ah, that's right. You were quite vague about that, though," Gentaro mused, glancing to the mystery he hid from him. "They don't happen to do with whatever's behind your back, do they?"

A flash of his other self seeping through, Hifumi's eyes widened before he recovered with a smile that made his heart flutter.

"Perceptive as always, Yumeno-sensei~" he said, a tilt to his head and dimples to his cheeks. "One of your charm points, for sure."

"Flattery, Izanami-san?" Try as he might to play it off casually, the butterflies in Gentaro’s stomach flapped their wings so hard that they’d started a hurricane. "Have you mistaken me for one of your so-called kittens, by any chance?"

"Nonsense, my dear Yumeno-sensei~ I could never mistake anyone as special as you are for anyone else.” His suit jacket on, Gentaro had heard him speak such adulations to the women who’d passed them by, but the sincerity in his tone threw Gentaro off. “In fact --" With the flourish of a host, Hifumi revealed what was hidden behind his back. "-- these are for you."

A bouquet of roses, presented like a bottle of champagne to his clients; yellow petals matching the hue of his locks, fading into a deep red at the tips. Had Gentaro’s heart not skipped a beat or two, he might have mulled over the meaning of such colors. Eyeballing it, he counted forty-four rose heads. Forty-four roses no doubt a declaration of affection, each petal peering up at him like the irises watching behind them. Numbly, Gentaro accepted the bouquet into his arms. The cellophane rustling in his hold, the flowers weighed heavily and the thorns jabbed into his chest.

Drawing a blank, Gentaro stumbled over his words. "That is -- This is -- These are quite something..."

"Aren’t they? A lovely bouquet for a man as lovely as you~"

He parted his lips to quip back, but Gentaro’s mind had gone askew with racing thoughts -- of excitement, of dread, of feelings he wasn't sure about -- that nothing came out. From their confrontation in Chuuoku that lead to their rivalry, to the fateful night at Kabukicho that changed everything between them, to now, Hifumi had that effect on him. For better or for worse, Gentaro couldn’t fault him for it.

Not realizing his silence, or maybe ignoring it, Hifumi continued on. "Yumeno-sensei, since we're here, may I tell you something?"

Speechless, he nodded slowly. Hifumi's smile grew bigger, beaming brighter than the sun itself. As blinding as it was, Gentaro could not -- would not -- tear his gaze away. Dangerous the sun might be, but its warmth was addicting and he let its radiance sting.

"I know we haven't spent much time together, Yumeno-sensei, but I believe we've made great strides since our first encounter." His voice a resonant melody, Hifumi took his hand in his. Warm yet suffocating, Hifumi’s touch was the only thing keeping him grounded as his senses ran a tizzy. "The circumstances might've been unfortunate, but I'm glad that the incident in Kabukicho was able to bring us closer. Since then, the moments we've shared have been a dream for me, and I've come to see you in a new light. Or maybe it's better to say that you have become my new light."

Bringing his hand close to his chest, Gentaro's fingers grazed the spot above Hifumi's heart. His pulse at his tips, he found that underneath the cool and calm persona of a host, their heartbeats drummed at the same unsteady pace. Lucent irises locked onto his, Hifumi's gaze boring into him filled with a gentleness he'd never seen before. His touch had grown searing hot, but Gentaro did not pull back.

Laced with ardor, Hifumi said softly, "Yumeno-sensei, I believe I've fallen for you."

Whether his heart stopped beating altogether or it beat so quickly that he no longer felt it, Gentaro couldn't tell. What he did know, however, was that he didn't know what to feel.

Rare was it that Gentaro let anyone into his life. Indeed, he could count those close to him with only a single hand -- a digit for each of them: The elderly couple, his parents that'd taken him in, the ones whom he'd started lying for; Atsushi, his best friend when no one else dared speak to him, the one whom he'd started writing tales for; Dice and Ramuda, his posse through thick and thin, the ones he'd fought through hell and back with.

And then there was Hifumi, his rival turned acquaintance turned God knows what, the one he’d faced with ups and downs. Once, Gentaro had thought of him as a gibbering fool without a care in the world; now, he'd come to learn that there was more to him than that -- figuratively and literally. Despite being a man of two faces, Hifumi was endearing all the same. Blunt and outspoken he might be, and other moments too honeyed and charming, but he always meant well underneath it all; the man, much to his surprise, was supportive to no end. Regardless of if the suit jacket was on or off, Gentaro found a comfort in his presence and their rhythm together flowed effortlessly. Yes, somewhere along the line, the bane of his existence became someone he enjoyed being with. From reckless nuisance to cheerful companion, Hifumi had certainly grown on him within a short season.

But, Gentaro wondered, did the moments they share together warrant anything deeper? Was the time spent talking to him any more than fondness? Was the desire to weave more tales with him any more than attraction? Was the need to get to know him better any more than infatuation? His head spun trying to find the answer.

Unsure of whether it was a truth or a lie, Gentaro said the first thing that came to mind: "I -- I -- I -- I can't return your feelings."

His shine faltering, Hifumi's face fell. "I'm... sorry...?"

Moreso to make sense of his frazzled thoughts, Gentaro replied, "That is to say, I can't take you seriously as it is. You're always saying pretty things with that suit jacket on."

Hifumi squeezed his hand, blistering caress burning him. "I assure you that what I say is the truth."

"Just like everything you tell the women at your club?" His words more callous than intended, there was nothing Gentaro could do about them save for watch as they hit the man before him.

A frown marred Hifumi's face, and it was then and there that Gentaro learned that a frown didn't suit him at all.

"There's no reason I would lie to you about something like this, Yumeno-sensei."

"It would make me feel better if I heard it without the jacket on." Uncertainty spoken after uncertainty, doing little to quell the turmoil in his head.

Hifumi's eyes ran over him as if searching for an untruth, gaze soft yet piercing. To be honest, even Gentaro himself wasn't sure if there was one to be found in the first place.

"...Very well, if that's what you ask of me."

A bitter chill replaced the scorching heat of his touch as he let go of his hand. Dazed, Gentaro stood still as a statue as he watched Hifumi shrug off his jacket. The effects were instantaneous and the bubbly, upbeat man took place of the alluring host.

"Yumenon, please believe me!" Without warning, Hifumi grabbed onto his shoulders and shook him; stunned as he was, Gentaro didn't think to push him away. Up close like this, the fervor in Hifumi's eyes cut through him. "I like you so much it makes me crazy! I like you so much it makes my heart burst! I like you so much that I love you!"

Love. What a loaded word that was. To fall for someone could be written off as a fleeting passion, to be in love was an ardent dedication. To be in love meant to share one's life with another; to be in love meant to bare one’s soul to another; to be in love meant to wholeheartedly give one's self to another. Was he capable of such love -- for Hifumi, of all people? Irony of their relationship, mayhaps Hifumi was right when he'd called him out for being caught up in the past for the future looked daunting.

"I... stand by what I said earlier, Izanami-san," Gentaro said, too heavy on his tongue to be the actual truth. "I can't return your feelings."

"...Why... why not?" Hifumi’s voice was a whisper, a strange thing to hear from this side of him. Hands dropping to his sides, his bright eyes grew dull. The rose thorns pierced Gentaro's chest.

In spite of that, the uncertain falsehoods continued tumbling through. "This was a strictly professional relationship."

"...What do you mean?"

"If you'll recall, I said I was conducting research on host clubs for my upcoming novel," Gentaro said, as if a half-truth would soften his hits. "Being a host yourself, I thought observing you would make for a good reference."

Standing before him eerily silent, Gentaro also learned that somberness was an image unfitting of Hifumi. A shame he had to learn these lessons personally.

"Oh... okay..." Hifumi's voice cracked towards the end, gaze darting to the ground. "Um, can we still be friends?"

Quietly, Gentaro dealt the last blow. "I don't think it wise to get close with one’s subject matter."

"Ah... I see..."

Neither a peep nor a hum came from Hifumi, his body stiff against the spring breeze. Doing anything to avoid the unease looming over, Gentaro returned the bouquet; the rose thorns unlatching like a knife being pulled out, prickles lingering on his chest. Without protest, Hifumi took them back with languid arms.

"I'm sorry, Izanami-san," Gentaro said, speaking a genuine truth for the first time today.

Hifumi shook his head with an unnatural vigor, plastering on a smile akin to sunlight without the warmth. Had some of the thorns embedded themselves into his body, Gentaro wondered; they stabbed deeper in and twisted about.

"No, it's fine! I mean, I can't force you to feel anything you don't, y'know?" A warble underlain Hifumi’s voice as he spoke, cracks to his cadence. His eyes, as well, glistened like glass. "Besides, that's pretty cool you used me for inspiration!" He stifled a sniffle. "...Was I any good?"

"Yes." The smile Gentaro gave him took all his effort to wear. "You were wonderful."

"I'm... I'm glad then, that I could help you in some way!" A nod, followed by another and another as if to bounce away the tears. Hifumi's grip on the bouquet tightening, a few petals fell to the ground as if losing the will to live. "I had a lot of fun together, anyways!"

A hush fell over, neither of them quite looking at each other. Hifumi, naturally, broke the silence first --  his smile lacking the spirit Gentaro had come to know and his eyes missing the shine that was uniquely his.

"Good luck with your book, Yumenon -- ah... um, Yumeno-sensei!"

Hearing this side of Hifumi addressing him so formally sounded odd -- wrong, really; but as it was, he didn't deserve to be called the nickname that he'd grown fond of. How easy it would be to claim that everything he'd said had been a lie but even now, he was not sure where his lies ended and truths began. To Hifumi and to himself, it wouldn't be fair if he said anything otherwise. Nonetheless, that didn't stop Gentaro's chest from aching as he watched Hifumi's light die out.

"Thank you, Izanami-san," he managed to choke out.

All that they’d said hanging in the air, Gentaro tore his gaze from Hifumi but his sorrowful visage had already been embedded into his mind. Being a writer, he knew that words could harm no matter how gently they were dealt and so there was nothing left to be said -- nothing more that could be said. Giving Hifumi a small bow, he scurried away.

----------------

Door slamming shut behind him, Gentaro pressed his back against it and inhaled sharply. The trip back home lasted far longer than it should have, what with the images of Hifumi's lifeless smile haunting him and the sound of his faux cheer on a loop like a broken record. Had it happened months ago -- weeks, even -- he might've reveled in the scene, basked in pushing his rival to his breaking point; as things were now, though, Gentaro felt nothing but guilt for snuffing out Hifumi’s shine.

Then again, it was better this way; to give a rejection as opposed to an acceptance. He’d rather nip what they had in the bud than lead him on with affections that could fizzle out sooner or later. Eventually, they would both move on and it would be as if their affair never happened; they would go back to being no more than enemies, vitriolic adversaries as things between them should have been -- at least, that was what Gentaro told himself, a rationalization to his faults.

Catching his breath, he finally remembered he'd meant to return Hifumi's belongings when the bag bumped against his leg. He hurried to his room and placed it within the furthest depths of his closet; burying the memories of him deep inside, locking away all that he felt for him, keeping that afternoon’s sorry sight from playing over and over again.

In its place was a mantra: he did not care about Izanami Hifumi, he harbored no romantic feelings for Izanami Hifumi, he was not in love with Izanami Hifumi --

(Perhaps if he lied to himself enough, it would become the truth.)

[imaginezimbits]

Plzzzzzz pt3 of zimbits football!!!!! I love your writing!! It's soOOOOO GOOOOD!

Ask and you shall receive (eeeeeventually!)Read it on AO3

“Y’all go on and get now, I have orientation in the morning,” Eric scolded the lumbering football players clogging up his teeny dorm room.  His roommate, a perfectly nice seeming boy from Oregon, had disappeared shortly after the team’s arrival, and Eric couldn’t blame him.

“Fuck orientation,” Holster dismissed.  “You’ve been chilling with us for a year, what more do you need to know about the college experience?”  Eric put his hands on his hips.

“Maybe some people from my actual class?”

“Pft, whatever.  Rans and Shitty are gonna be in school forever with their majors; you’ll have plenty of people to do senior year with.”  Ransom made himself comfortable with Shitty on Eric’s bed.

“That’s right, brah,” Shitty agreed, welcoming the snuggles.  “You’ll never be rid of us.”

“Graduation is a myth,” Ransom added gravely.  “And bro, you can make all the friends you want.  You’re a freshman with invites already lined up for the sickest kegsters of the year.”

“If you do say so yourself,” Eric huffed.  “I admit, you boys make a strong argument, but I shudder to think what your fearless leader has to say about y’all encouraging me to shirk responsibility like this.”  He turned to the man in question only to find him twisting back and forth in the desk chair, nibbling on one of the peanut butter cookies Mrs. Bittle had sent to thank the boys for carrying all of “Dicky’s” boxes.

“Um.”  Jack looked between his friends, who were watching him expectantly.  He swallowed.  “Well, I mean, I was gonna ask if you wanted to hang out tomorrow since it’s the last day before classes.”

“Jack!” Eric cried over the boys’ boisterous cheers.  “You’re supposed to be the responsible adult here!”  Jack shrugged, tiny smile playing at his lips and winning Eric over easily.

“Well…they really don’t teach you anything useful…”

“So you figure you can talk me into another day of nonsense with this lot?”

“Was kinda hoping.”

“Well I suppose I could be persuaded to give up an afternoon of icebreakers and forced socialization.”

“Good.  I hear Annie’s has their Pumpkin Spice Lattes out early this year.  And the art theater is screening Goonies, so we were thinking of hitting that too.”

“How can I say no to that then?”

“Just meet us at the Haus at eleven tomorrow.”

“I’ll come at ten and we’ll make breakfast.”

“Deal.”  Eric nodded.  “Alright boys,” Jack said to the room at large, “let’s clear out, we scared Bittle’s roommate out long enough.” The boys all stood and followed Jack to the door, leaving Eric with hair ruffles and back pats.  Jack held his hand in a wave as he followed the end of the parade into the hallway, closing the door behind them.  Eric sat down hard on the bed, grinning broadly.

“Eric Richard Bittle, what on Earth do you mean you don’t know what happened at orientation?” Mrs. Bittle demanded over dinner - she’d made her son’s favorites to lure him home for a meal to extract details.  Eric stopped picking at his mashed potatoes and exchanged a panicked glance with his father over the rim of the sweet tea glass Coach was using to avoid having to chime in.

“Uh…Jack said it’s stupid?  And the guys were going to see Goonies?”

“Jack said, hmm?  And I suppose if Jack Zimmermann jumped off a bridge you might think that sounds mighty fine too?”  Coach put his glass down.

“Suzie,” he said, laying a gentle hand over hers and giving her a significant look.  Eric saw the realization dawn on his mother’s face, could practically hear the unspoken “breakdown” that hung in the air, but what was actually said was, “Jack is a responsible young man.  I think he and Junior’s other friends will see to it that he isn’t completely lost.”  Suzanne sighed.

“I suppose.  But Dicky, don’t you dare make a habit of skipping out on your responsibilities.”

“I promise, Mama, I will stay right on top of everything.”

And he did.  Between the Haus study group and the relative simplicity of his first semester classes, Eric was able to keep up with his studies.  Until the Midterms Kool-down Kegster, when, happily situated on top of one of the hockey players in the frat next door to the Haus, he remembered.

“Oh fuck!”  he sat up abruptly, hair askew and shirt rucked up.

“Dude, already?” the hockey bro asked, eyebrow raised.

“I have a paper due tomorrow,” Eric explained, already starting to extricate himself from the bed.

“Oh dude, that sucks the big one.”

“Sorry.  I uh, had fun?” Eric patted at the tuft of hair sticking up on the back of his head.

“Yeah, was good for me too,” the guy said blandly, already reaching into his pants.  By the time Eric was across the room pulling the door shut, hockey bro’s dick was out, his head flopped back against the pillow, as if Eric had never been there at all.  Well then, glad he’s not too heartbroken, he thought to himself and trudged down the stairs.

He stood outside the hockey house, staring at the Haus and feeling the street vibrate beneath his sneakers.  The party ball hastily duct taped to the living room ceiling lit the windows in a flashing array of rainbow.  The only light from upstairs came from Jack’s room.  His fingers slid across his phone screen before the decision was fully formed.

“Allo?”  The distracted greeting said Jack probably hadn’t checked his caller I.D.

“Hi Jack.” Eric paused.  “It’s Eric.”

“You don’t say.”

“I just did.”

“Are you okay?  Need me to come get you?”

“I’m okay.  Except I just remembered I forgot to write my paper for American History.”

“Bittle, it’s two a.m.”

“I am aware.  Jack, I just left mid-hookup for this, if you know anything at all about U.S. history, please come help me, otherwise fuck my grade I’m going back upstairs.”  The exasperated sigh was a protracted burst of static in his ear, but Jack relented.

“Okay, give me five to find my notebooks and some pants.  And know that you definitely owe me a batch of those homemade granola bars.”

“Anything.”

“Five minutes,” Jack promised, then promptly hung up.  

When he saw the light in Jack’s room go out, Eric stood up from the porch steps where he had been waiting.  It took another few minutes before the front door of the Haus opened to reveal Jack, backpack slung over his shoulder.  They met in the middle of the street and Jack gave a tired but fond grin in response to Eric’s grateful smile, and in mutual silent agreement, they made for Eric’s dorm.

The room was empty, so Eric texted his roommate that he’d gotten home okay and wished him a fun night when the roommate said, “Enjoy, see you after breakfast ;)”

“Well, looks like we got the place to ourselves for the duration,” Eric told Jack, trying not to sound like he could think of much better reasons than this stupid paper for him to want Jack alone.

“Good.” Jack made himself comfortable on Eric’s bed, kicking off his shoes and getting his notes and laptop set up.  “I brought reading to do while you’re writing, but I’ll help you outline and edit.”

“You are a saint.”

“I am an insomniac.  Believe me, this is going to be just as good for my sanity as yours.”

“Well alrighty, I guess I won’t feel too bad.”

“I still expect granola bars.” Jack winked.  Eric’s face burned, but he just focused on getting a blank document ready to go.  “So what’s this paper on, eh?”

“I have to write a few pages on a New Deal program and its immediate and long-term effects.”

As luck would have it, Jack knew a lot about the New Deal.  And he had more than enough feelings about it for Eric to pick a thesis.  Jack flipped his notebook open to a page covered in messy, blocky print, turned it towards Eric, and laughed at his horrified expression.

“What?”

“This is completely illegible,” Eric complained.

“Oh come on, it’s not that bad.”

“Really Jack, is this how your brain works?  Because if so, I have to say, I’m a mite concerned.”

“At least I have notes, Bittle.”  Jack gestured at the blank document on the screen.  “Is this how your brain works?  Because if so, I have to say, I’m a mite concerned,” he mimicked.

“Jack Laurent Zimmermann, let me live,” he huffed, flopping over onto the comforter, taking the laptop with him.  Curled on his side with the computer, Eric started filling in the heading and basic title of his paper and jotting down a few of the points Jack had made into a quick outline.  He’d started sorting through JSTOR to find the shortest relevant articles possible, figuring Jack had disappeared into his own corner of peer-reviewed purgatory, when the bed shifted under him and a warm weight pressed along his back.  It was Jack, and Eric almost jumped out of his damn skin because Jack had spooned up right behind him, chin hooked over his shoulder and arm flopping down over his abdomen.  

“How’s it going?” Jack’s breath tickled as it blew over Eric’s skin, the low rumble of his voice vibrating through Eric’s ribs.

“It’s…happening.  Slowly.  But I don’t think I’ll flunk.”  Jack nodded, chin digging a little uncomfortably into Eric’s shoulder.

“Yeah, this is looking pretty good.”  He figured Jack would let go and return to his reading, but he stayed wrapped around Eric.

“How’s your reading coming there?” he asked teasingly.

“Done.”

“Already?”

“I did start it at a decent hour.  That is possible.”

“Hmmm…sounds fake.” Eric could feel gentle laughter at his back.  Well…looks like this is just his life right now.  He went back to writing, struggling to get all of the bullet-points in his outline put into coherent sentences.  For a minute, he blanked out, staring at the blinking cursor on the screen.  He was tired and warm, and he could feel his eyelids drooping.  And then Jack  spoke up.

“Created the infrastructure necessary for the rapid development of industry during the war boom of the early forties?”  Eric physically shook off his exhaustion.

“Hmm?”

“Oh, just…where you were going with that sentence.  You could say ‘In addition to the immediate economic relief and placation of the anxious, unemployed masses, the formation of the WPA created the infrastructure necessary for the rapid development of industry during the war boom of the early forties.’”

“Oh.  Thanks, that’s really good.”

“Not my first rodeo.”  Eric typed in the end of the sentence, and getting past that block gave him the burst he needed to get the rest of the paper out, Jack proofreading as he went, keeping himself tucked close throughout.  At some point, he caught part of Eric’s hoodie in his fingers, idly rubbing at the soft fabric.  Eric didn’t realize that there was such a soft side to Jack.  He knew he was kind, one of the most loyal and dedicated friends he’d ever had, but compared to the rest of the group they hung out with, he’d never been up for all of the casual cuddling (aside from Shitty trapping him in a bear hug).  This gentle, sleepy Jack was incredibly endearing, and Eric’s chest felt warm and tight.

He put the finishing touches on the essay around three thirty.  After saving the document about five times and promptly sending it to the print queue, he closed the laptop with a satisfying “slap,” and turned to look over his shoulder at Jack, only to find him fast asleep.  Exhausted and resigned, Eric just wiggled carefully out of Jack’s arms and trudged off to the bathroom to brush his teeth.  While tugging on his pajamas, he briefly contemplated sleeping in his roommate’s bed, but upon realizing he didn’t really know how clean the guy was and feeling like it would be…cold - a rejection of this intimacy Jack offered, he lay back down and pulled a blanket over them both.

Eric expected to sleep terribly, to lie awake staring at the ceiling until the sun came up, Jack woke, and he was inevitably left with the uncomfortable silence and an empty bed.  Instead, he slept the best he had since coming to college.  The bed was warm and, completely relaxed, Jack was actually very soft to snuggle against.  Eric’s breaths unconsciously synched with Jack’s, his eyes got heavy, and the next thing he knew, the sun was streaming in from the single window.

He stretched, joints popping pleasantly.  And then his foot brushed a leg, and all of a sudden, he snapped back to the moment and felt fully Jack pressed up behind him.  He startled just enough to jostle the bed, and his heart skittered in his chest as Jack stirred. The arm around his waist tightened momentarily, and a soft groan escaped Jack as he woke fully.  The sound shocked down Eric’s spine and oh god, he was actually going to die.  In some twist of cosmic mercy, Jack wasn’t sporting morning wood - that would be the actual death of him.

“Oh.  Hey.”  Jack’s breath ghosted over Eric’s neck, and he had to squeeze his eyes shut so he could compose his voice enough to get out,

“Morning.”  Jack stretched again, and the movement pushed them closer.

“Morning.  I didn’t ruin your sleep, did I?”  He looked so genuinely concerned Eric couldn’t let him be uncomfortable.

“You didn’t make a peep,” he said, because he couldn’t quite admit just how much Jack didn’t ruin his sleep.  

“Okay.”  They lay in silence for another minute, unsure of how to act normally now that they were both lucid.  Eric was about to roll over and see if Jack just passed back out when their phones buzzed simultaneously, the group chat lighting up with all the dirt and surreptitiously taken pictures of shame.  It gave them something appropriate to do with their hands and something safe to talk about.  Lying next to each other, they made fun of their friends’ questionable-at-best choices - Holster making out with his ex, Esther (again), Ransom instigating body shots, Shitty’s general personality.  The best chirps got sent to the group chat, but mostly they were just giggling to themselves and speaking in broken sentences as they realized they were nowhere near the losers of this week’s morning after.  Jack even went as far as to say,

“I think I definitely chose the best place to wake up today.”  And even though Eric knew how Jack really meant that, his brain couldn’t really switch off the nagging curiosity of what could be if Jack thought differently - was different.

The chat died back down after a while, everyone either going out in search of food or back to sleep.  Jack locked his phone back up, let out a final stretch-and-groan, and asked,

“Wanna hit Commons?  I’m getting pretty hungry.”  Eric took the out and agreed, hopping out of bed and shucking out of his pajamas.  He tried not to imagine Jack’s eyes on him as he dressed.  When he turned around, Jack was idly thumbing through his textbook.

“You ready?” Jack looked back up.

“Oh.  Yeah, let’s go.”

At Commons, Jack and Eric split up - Jack to the omelette bar, Eric to the buffet.  He loaded his plate with a pile of french toast sticks and homefries, drowning the whole thing in the watered-down fake syrup in the vat at the end of the line.  Jack sidled up behind him, and in lieu of greeting said,

“You should eat more protein.”  Eric jumped, flushed, and finally defended his breakfast.

“I am a figure skater, I need energy.  If I become some muscle-brained jock-head I won’t be able to get any lift to my jumps.”

“Hey, a muscle-brained jock-head just saved your grade.”

“I’m just sayin’, don’t go mocking my diet plan - I get results.”

Jack conceded the point then, and sat down with his heap of egg whites and spinach, tucking in with one last glance at Eric’s plate that fell between longing and dismay.  Looking at the man himself, Eric could relate.  Jack was sweet and smart and handsome, and whenever Eric had brought Philip to hang out with the guys, he hadn’t batted an eye, just chatted as politely as Jack ever managed about college plans and books they were reading.  He was exactly the kind of friend he’d dreamed of having in Georgia.  If he was being completely honest with himself, Jack was the kind of boyfriend he’d dreamed of.  But there be dragons.

Because for all that he went to a super-queer liberal arts college and might accidentally minor in Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies, Jack Zimmermann seemed as straight as an arrow shaft.  And even if he did like men, he was older and played football and drank horrific concoctions that contained lots of kale and protein powder.  There was no way Eric would be remotely his type.  Eric could feel himself getting maudlin, so he shook himself and took a sip of coffee to ground himself.

“Falling asleep there Bittle?”  Jack asked, smirking over his orange juice.

“I don’t know how in the hell you’re even awake right now,” he covered.

“I did get a little extra sleep,” Jack reminded him, and god did he not need to be reminded of Jack falling asleep spooned up against him.

“That’s right,  you abandoned me,” Eric teased.

“I did not,” he objected.  “I was there the whole time.”

“And what’s your alibi, the drool patch on the back of my shirt?”

“I do not drool!”  This came out louder than Jack had probably meant for and they got a couple of looks.  “Do not!” Jack whispered forcefully, leaning across the table.

“Do too!” Eric whispered back, leaning in as well.  Their faces were inches apart, and Eric had to fight to keep his face from softening.  In the end he couldn’t quite manage it after Jack reached up to wipe a smear of syrup from his cheek, the pad of it rough and warm on Eric’s face, and then licked the syrup off like it was nothing.  And then made an exaggeratedly offended expression at how ludicrously fake it tasted.  

Eric hated his life.  Before he could do anything stupid, he leaned back into his own space and returned to his breakfast.

The dining hall offerings were meager enough that Eric texted his mother to say he was coming over for dinner and did she need anything from the store.  She told him to grab eggs and some greens for a salad and “I’m thinking I’ll do brownies for dessert.  Maybe you can pick up some ice cream to put on top.”  Eric didn’t miss what a loaded statement that was.  His mama thought brownies were just about the lowest a baked good could sink.  Tiny batches, an inelegant slop of batter waiting in a pan, and finicky to make to boot.  But they were Coach’s favorite comfort food, hot and sticky fresh out of the oven, a scoop of ice cream melting over top.

“What’s wrong with Coach?” he asked.  Mama sighed.

“I don’t know, baby.  He was just in a rotten mood when he came home from practice.  He was real quiet, just took a beer and a puddin’ cup back to his study.”

“I wonder what happened,” Eric murmured, thinking briefly of Jack and wondering if he was upset too.  He clicked away from the call to his messaging window and sent off a quick text to Jack.  Coach is in a mood.  You alright?  There was no reply bubbles, but he hadn’t expected a prompt reply.  Instead of waiting to hear back, he wrapped up the call with Mama and headed off to the Stop & Shop.  

Back at the house, he set the bags of groceries down on the kitchen table and started rifling through for the greens to get started on the salad.  

“Thank you, baby,” Mama said, brushing a hand across his back as she passed behind.  “I know you’re just on the other side of town, but I do miss having you around.”  He laughs, but tucks his chin over her shoulder on his way to get tongs, promising,

“I miss you too.”  

They had everything set out on the table in a few minutes, and Suzanne hollered “Riiiichard!  Diiiiner!” towards the back of the house.  Coach joined them a moment later, dropping into his seat at the head of the table with a grunt that sounded more pained than ill-tempered.  He complimented Suzanne on dinner and asked “Junior” how his classes were going as always, and between bites, Eric and his mama traded glances.

Neither of them dared ask about practice until the brownies were cut and ice cream scooped.  Only then did Suzanne clear her throat and and ask, “So sweetheart, how was practice?”  Eric shoved a large spoonful of ice cream in his mouth, anticipating a long-winded speech about whatever the boys had done to piss him off.  Instead, Coach looked a little awkward and addressed Eric.

“Well, funny enough, I wanted to talk to you about that.”

“Oh?”  Eric’s ind raced, frantically trying to recall if he’d played a part in any activities that could’ve affected the boys’ game.  “Well fire away.”

“It’s - it’s a favor - a biggun, and you can say no.”

“Okay…Daddy, you’re makin me nervous.”

“Sorry, sorry.  Uh, well, you know how our backup kicker has been on leave with mono?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, it seems our starting kicker busted his ankle playing soccer.”

“Oh…So you want me to…”

“Fill in, yeah.”

“Coach…”

“I know.  I said it was big.  And I can see about pulling one of the boys from fourth string, but you’ve got a good leg and you know the team.”

“Richard,” Suzanne warned.

“And kickers hardly ever get tackled,” he promised.

“Richard, that’s enough,” Suzanne said again, firmer.  Eric was silent for a moment, staring at his father.  Things were different now than they were in Georgia, he knew this.  He had his father’s support, the boys knew he was gay and didn’t make an ordeal of it - a few of them were even queer too.  The only thing that really bothered him still was the idea of being tackled, but the fact that Ransom and Holster would be his defense…

“I’ll do it.”

“You will?”  Both his parents sounded shocked, but a grin was breaking out from under Coach’s moustache.  Meanwhile ama looked like she’d swallowed a frog.  

“Dicky, you know you don’t have to, right?  Not if this is gonna bring your problem back.”

“I’m not gonna faint, Mama,” he told her, trying not to sound irritated.  “You’re not supposed to even touch the kicker, and besides…” Eric looked at his father.  “I wanna help the team.”  Coach nodded, beaming.

“Practice is at 3:30 tomorrow.  We’ll get you out there and see if you’re comfortable, and if all goes well, we’ll play you Friday.”

“I’ll be there,” Eric promised.

“Thank you,” Coach said.  “I can’t tell you how much it means that you’re even willing to try.”  Eric nods at his father, but when he stands to clear the table, he’s engulfed in a bear hug.  He squeezes his eyes shut and reminds himself that his father is already proud of him.  This is just icing on the cake.

[queen-of-hearts92]

Revue Starlight 1: I can’t believe it’s not Ikuhara!

GRANT ME THE POWER TO REVOLU-wait. Wrong show.

If you haven’t read the prelude for this, you should! Please go here!

Otherwise come on in for the episode summary and discussion! This will be fun! ouo

Note: I have NOT seen episode 2 as of this post/typing. All this is based on the first episode and the first episode alone.

>RAISE THE CURTAINS Y’ALL, IT’S STORY TIME!

The episode starts with our main character, Karen Aijou, repeating a story she’s seeing on stage which she is also performing in with her childhood friend, Hikari Kagura, who also recites the story. It cuts back to the audience and now Hikari and Karen are little kids watching the play that their teenage selves are performing in. The play is called Starlight, it's about goddesses that were drawn into the glowing of heaven. That’s about it for the play summary. Teen! Karen speaks about ties that bind others together, Teen! Hikari counters that they still can be pulled away from each other anyways and never see each other ever again. She refers to the story as sad. 

Next we get this amazing shot, I pulled it together so it’s one screenshot cause we gotta see it in its full glory. I hope it looks alright!

I WARNED YOU ABOUT THOSE STAIRS BRO

It seems like on these stairs they are underneath the Tokyo Tower, which seems to be quite relevant to this series cause this isn’t the last time we will see it. Not by a long shot lol. Anyways, Karen declares that she and presumably Hikari are gonna go to the stars together and we get a very Ikuhara looking title card. (It also comes in black!)

Is that the Tokyo Tower? God damn this tower is EVERYWHERE.

We then start with how most anime starts, getting up for school. Karen is woken up by her roommate, Mahiru Tsuyuzaki, because she slept through her sweet dino alarm clock going off and they gotta get to school (side note: a framed picture of little Karen and Hikari sleeping on a bus is on Karen’s desk). Karen, isn’t a morning person at all but she gets up and dressed and sleeply waits to cross the road with Mahiru. Karen realizes she left her crown barrette in her dorm so they run back to get it. Mahiru isn’t a fan of running back just for a hairpin but sometimes you do wild shit just because you have a crush on your roommate. 

The two make it to school not only right on time but they are the first ones there, the first class of the day seems to be dance so the two of them suit up and start doing stretches and warm ups together in the dance room.

We also find out that Karen’s class is the 99th one here and she’s student number 1. Mahiru’s student number is 17. Soon the other girls in their class start showing up. Student number 25, Junna Hoshimi walks in first. Junna expresses surprise that Karen got up in time this day, student number 11 Claudine Saijou also comments on that but in song because she’s a theater kid. Student number 15, Nana Daiba aka Banana-chan (yes that’s her nickname), twirls Mahiru and says Karen getting up on time was probably because of Mahiru’s help. We are then introduced to number 22 Kaoruko Hanayagi and number 2 Futaba Isurugi at the same time, I also like to call them our resident Haruka and Michiru descendants lol. Student number 18, Maya Tendou, strolls in with a sparkle sound effect and makes her way to the center of the room. All the girls follow and stand for the morning class. 

We learn there are 28 girls (this is before Hikari comes) in this class all together and that they are Class 2-A which means they are most likely second years (as it goes for anime set in high schools). It’s also May 14th, I dunno if dates will be relevant but we should make note of it anyways just in case.

Karen gives us internal exposition explaining the school is 100 years old and it’s a theater training school. She also says they are classmates but also rivals at the same time but it’s cool they all get along. We then see more of the pretty school grounds and then we go to the girls having lunch. 

During this lunch scene we see more glimpses of what the characters are like and their quirks. At the table with Karen are Mahiru and Nana. Junna comes over and gives them flyers for something called the Seisho Festival, even though this festival isn’t until next year Junna says they are preparing to get ready for it anyways. According to the flyer, Karen’s class will be performing the Starlight play we saw a bit of at the beginning. Nana is nostalgic about the first year they performed this play but Junna scoffs and says what they did was amateurish and they needed to do better than last year. 

We learn that this class at least will perform the Starlight play every year of them being in high school for this festival. Karen is jazzed about doing the play again. Mahiru comments that maybe next time her and Karen could be the “fated couple”. Karen is like, nah Claudine and Maya will probs be the leads since they are the best in the class. Junna disagrees with this assumption and shows her disagreement via dipping Karen and saying they shouldn’t assume who will be getting the roles in the play just yet.

Back in class, Karen is sitting in the back row by the windows (as many protags have) and she...She has a vision/daydream of some sort. We get a shot of gears turning and smoke and then she’s on the top of the Tokyo tower, overlooking the city. Karen admires the view and wonders how she’s getting such a great view when suddenly Hikari walks up behind her and pushes her off the tower. Karen falls backwards in slow motion, the background music turns distorted and off putting. Karen recalls that the tower was where she bought her crown barrette. She talks about a promise coming true and then we get a symbol with a giraffe on it and Karen lying on the classroom floor. 

Mahiru and Futaba (I think) asks if she’s ok and Karen is like its cool I’m fine. We cut to Junna’s phone and on its screen there is the giraffe symbol and it says underneath “Auditions Day 1”.

If you want to prove your love you-wait no thats bears not giraffes

Karen thinks about her weird dream and then the teacher announces there is a new transfer student and, bam it’s Hikari! She has the number 29. Karen is super excited to see her childhood friend but Hikari doesn’t seem like she feels the same way. Hikari has been at the Royal Drama Academy in England for the past 12 years. Karen and Mahiru show her to the dorms after school, on the way there Karen comments on the promise and it has something to do with their barrettes (Hikari’s barrette is stars/sparkles). 

Karen wants Hikari to stay with her and Mahiru, much to Mahiru’s distress, but Hikari says no and goes to her own room. Hikari doesn’t have a roommate btw. Karen says through the closed door of Hikari’s room “let’s be stars one day”, the tower is shown again.

We then get a montage of Hikari being amazing at everything because she’s a anime transfer student, that’s just how these things go. Next we go to everyone but Hikari in the showers (don’t worry, we don’t see anything at all) and Karen is fangirling about Hikari and how cool she is. The other girls join in on the fangirling and it’s commented that Hikari seems rather cold, Karen defends her saying it just means she’s cool and mysterious. The other girls playfully tease her about that statement. Afterwords Karen realizes Hikari isn’t around and looks for her. 

And I must mention this line is said:

Is this foreshadowing? We just don’t know.

I could be wrong but have a feeling this will be important later down the line.

Anyways. Maya comments that she can’t “see Hikari’s heart” and then we go back to Karen. She goes to Hikari’s room and finds it empty, she also finds Hikari has the same picture of them as kids as she does. Karen then notices Hikari outside running off somewhere and decides to follow her. This leads Karen to the school, Hikari seemingly has disappeared. Karen notices a strange elevator she’s never seen before, she steps in and presses the down button cause thats what you do when you find strange elevators. 

And then.

The fucking elevator rapidly drops down screeching all the way, speeding down like it’s a fucking rollercoaster. The gotta go fast elevator takes her to the “Underground Music Theater of Seisho academy”, this stage is under a recreation of the Tokyo Tower. A voice declares that day one of the auditions has begun. We are shown center stage, the voice says the competitors are aiming to be “the top star”. Karen is flung into the air and lands safely in a audience theater chair. The stage lights up and Hikari and Junna are seen decked out in a fancy uniform. The two start singing and then, they start dueling. Hikari has a dagger and Junna has a bow and arrow. 

Karen is confused, she asks “Is this Starlight?” which means that the songs they are singing are likely from that play. A stray arrow whizzes by Karen’s head and then its revealed she’s not alone in the audience. There's a giraffe. A talking giraffe.

*Insert Spongebob joke here*

This giraffe was the voice from earlier. The giraffe says the revue has begun and talks about the wonderful combo of song and dance and fighting. He says the person who presents the “most sparkling revue” will have the path to the “top star” opened to them. He also says the top star will get the “heavenly tiara”, a tiara is then shown. There are suddenly stars on stage everywhere as Hikari and Junna fight. 

Karen is still confused, the giraffe says “they understand” and says “they are desperate” and thats what makes them Duelists Stage Girls. He asks if Karen has the same determination. Hikari is struggling, Giraffe says if the metal pin/button on her jacket falls the revue is over. Hikari gets pinned to a wooden star decoration via arrow and loses her weapon, it seems like she’s going to lose. Giraffe says that those who don’t wish to play lead don’t get chosen and asks Karen to leave. Karen gets on Giraffe’s neck, he tips over and she leaps off his head towards the stage declaring she and Hikari are going to become stars together. 

Then, the transformation sequence happens.

Maybe one day she’ll become a car to revolutionize the world.

After she transforms Karen, wielding a sword, announces her presence on stage. Junna tells her to fuck off and Hikari seems horrified that Karen is here. Karen then smoothly charges to Junna, blocking her arrows with ease, knocks Junna’s pin/button off and smoothly dips her finishing the duel. There’s a very brief shot of Junna kneeling on the ground in the dark defeated before a curtain falls on her.

Karen stabs her sword into the ground declaring “Position Zero!” and we get this shot of curtains/ribbons covering tower like a fucked up christmas tree.

We can’t go without our phallic symbols you know.

Giraffe declares the first day of auditions over. Karen is pretty pleased with herself, Hikari on the other hand is crying and says “Baka Karen!”. The episode ends here.

We get to see the opening and its pretty cutesy but, we all know ops can lie about what the tone of a series is don’t we?

This looks a little different from when I did theater. Less giraffe. 

>If 9 girls worked for Love Live it can work here!

Alright now, Imma go over all nine of the girls very briefly and then we can move on to the episode breakdown.

Karen: Our protagonist! I find she’s starting off the series about as standard as protags get. She’s passionate, kinda weird, and determined. However there's one particular thing that stands out about her to me, she’s not untalented or struggling with the craft she wants to do. Quite the opposite in fact! Like she won that duel with pretty much no problem and doesn’t seem like she’s struggling in any of the classes! Her classmates tease her about her being a sleepyhead but they never tease about what she can do nor imply she’s behind everyone in someway. I find that to be quite unusual for this kind of protag character. I’m interested to see where she goes from here.

Hikari: Hellllooo mysterious transfer student! I’m getting strong Homura Akemi vibes from her, as in she knows more than she lets on and really doesn’t want the main character to get involved into whatever crazy shit is going down. It will be interesting to learn about her as the show goes on.

Mahiru: She’s very cute but all I can think is “oh this girl is gonna get her heartbroken isn’t she”. I’m getting a strong vibe she has feelings for Karen but is too shy to confess, and unfortunately it seems like Karen only has eyes for Hikari. This, could get messy.

Junna: Serious business girl here. I like her design, I can’t say I’ve seen this particular look for a character before. Specially the bell decorations. Unfortunately for her, she’s the one who loses these stage duels first and we will get to see via her what happens when someone loses. If anything. Could be nothing. Or she’s fucked. Guess we will know next episode.

Claudine: If this show was made in the 90s, Claudine would have the “ohohohoho!” laugh. This is based off her looks alone btw. She’s one of the top students and she reminds me of a classmate who was in choir with me in Jr High and she would sing opera in the girls locker room nearly everyday. It seems like she’s not a “mean girl” and gets along with her classmates, except for Maya. She and Maya obviously have a rivalry going on, to a point they compete with each other over eating lunch. But they were also the leads the the play last year so there’s probably more than meets the eye for their relationship for sure.

Nana: Her nickname is Banana and I just. I dunno if I’ll ever call her that, but her hair does look like bananas. She’s interesting, it seems like she’d interested in Junna since she took like three pictures of Junna with her phone in one scene. She might be the “is sweet but 100% can kill you if she wanted to” type. She also seems pretty nostalgic, talking about how fun it was to do the play last year and such.

Kaoruko: Ah yes, one part of the couple of this series. She and Futaba are always seen together, even on the steps from the start of this episode and in the op. Kaoruko is the femme in the relationship and seems to have a knack for traditional dancing, but she’s also a bit childish. She’s super sleepy in the morning and when Futaba drops her she complains and during lunch when she finds a food she doesn’t like she plops it into her girlfriend’s plate. I like her.

Futaba: The other part of the couple of the series, always seen with Kaoruko. Futaba is the butch in the relationship and her skill lies in stage combat if her wiping the floor with everyone during practice is any indication. In the op she’s seen riding a moped. She seems pretty patient with her gf’s antics. Sighing and rolling her eyes like she’s super used to it, like when Kaoruko dumps the food she doesn’t like onto her plate. I like her too.

Maya: The other top student and rival to Claudine. Maya seems to be very confident in herself, she walks like she’s all that and a bag of chips in her first scene and she isn’t intimidated by Hikari’s talents. It seems like she might know something is up with the not seeing Hikari’s heart comment but it’s hard to say for sure right now.

>Holy Zettai Unmei Mokushioku Batman!

-This anime nails down the Ikuhara style excellently! Especially in the last half of the episode, the part with the sewing(?) machines when Karen enters the stage reminded me of the Utena movie when Utena turns into a car. The action scenes are amazing and I’m really impressed with them! You could legit replace the soundtrack of this show with Utena’s and it would work just the same (in fact I went ahead and did just that!). I’m very impressed in this regard for sure.

-Something that I picked up on right away is the fact that Revue Starlight starts similarly to shows like Utena, Princess Tutu, Madoka Magica, and Penguindrum. A standard not so new plot is happening and then PSYCE you are going down an elevator 2000 mph and there's a secret stage underground and a giraffe is there. I think this is a reason why this show gives me a good feeling about it, cause it opens the same way shows I love have done.

-The fact that this school’s specific age was said makes me go HMMM. To my memory, that’s not something you state in anime unless it’s important to the story or becomes relevant later. A 100 year old school is nothing to sneeze at anyways.

-I’ve seen some folks saying that the underground stage bit is imaginary and it’s really just a normal audition but I very much disagree with that. It’s too mysterious for such a simple explanation, Hikari is way too dodgey about going there for it to be normal, and we see Junna get the call for this weird audition in the classroom. No this is real, giraffe and all.

-Speaking of the Giraffe let’s talk about him a bit, so it’s clear he knows what’s up and he acts as a referee of sorts at the very least. I looked up to see if giraffes have any particular symbolic meaning but I can’t find anything concrete, just spirit animal websites which isn’t a reliable source to say the least. So, let’s look at this from a historical perspective briefly. Giraffes are subjects of African folklore unsurprisingly, it seems these tales revolve around how the fuck it’s neck got so long. Outside of folklore, giraffes have captured people’s fascination for a long time. They were often kept as pets on the continent and especially overseas. The Greeks and Romans thought giraffes were a camel and leopard hybrid and called them camelopardalis. Giraffes have often been used as showanimals so to speak, their owners would travel around the world to be like LOOK AT THIS LONG THING. They were liked because they were pretty and elegant looking and yet they are also very powerful animals...hm possible meaning here? 

I also must mention Qilins. 

A Qilin is a mythical animal from east asian cultures, and they are based on giraffes. A giraffe was brought to China and the Emperor declared them to be magical creatures (I don’t blame him, giraffes are amazing). Quilins are basically very small dragons that sometimes have unicorn-like horns. In Japan, Quilins are called Kirins which is also the modern word for giraffe in Japanese. In the power hierarchy of mythological animals in Japan, Kirins are at the top with the phoenix and the dragon right behind it. There's a lot more about Qilins/Kirins to say but for now I think it’s a being to keep in mind going forward. It might be relevant or not, we will see.

-I refer to Futaba and Kaoruko as the Haruka and Michiru of the group because let’s face it, ever since they’ve appeared in the 90s they’ve been a source of lesbian couple inspiration in anime and other media. Honestly that’s what I think of first when I see couples in anime like Futaba and Kaoruko, even if their personalities aren’t 100% like our favorite early 90s gays. Now if they will be like them in their actions it remains to be seen though.

-Hikari seems really upset Karen became a Stage Girl, that’s one reason why I’m thinking there's more than meets the eye for these auditions. She seems way too upset, to the point of crying, for it to be just “oh crap we gotta be rivals now”. Her cold demeanor also extends to this, trying to push Karen away so she doesn’t get involved. Whoops she got involved, you tried Hikari.

-The Tokyo Tower is seen EVERYWHERE in this episode and it’s even in the title card! I don’t know if this takes place in Tokyo but even if it doesn’t that doesn’t change the fact it’s in places it shouldn’t be. The only relevance for why the tower is around as of right now is it seems to be the place Karen and Hikari got their barrettes and made their “promise”. There might be something else that happened there too though.

-On the shot of the girls sleeping/knocked out on the stairs, there's something odd here. The narrator says 8 women, not 9. And Karen, isn’t there. Her cape and sword are at the top by Hikari but Karen herself isn’t there. Oh dear, this can’t be a good sign for Karen.

-I find that the curtain falling on Junna after she loses interesting, especially with how fast it comes and goes. Took a few tries to get a screenshot, which will be below. Symbolism? Besides a pun that is, “IT’S CURTAINS FOR YOU” being a phrase that describes when someone has lost. Or the curtains falling meaning the ending of a stage performance. We won’t know more for sure until we know if anything in particular happens to those that lose.

Plot twist the curtain literally ate her.

-Cool thing about the elevator, when it drops down its styled to look it someone cut the dang thing out with scissors. Like a cut of reality? Anywho, I just think it’s neat.

-I like the glimpses we got into the girl’s dynamics and personalities. Claudine and Maya are rivals and possibly more than that. Futaba and Kaoruko are together all the time. Mahiru is the responsible friend who might have a crush on Karen. Nana is friendly and sweet and likes to reminisce on the past. So on and so forth. It makes me curious about seeing more of them that’s for sure.

-On wikipedia, it states this anime is 12 episodes long and while I’m still not sure if that is correct, I’m gonna assume that’s what we will get until told otherwise though.

-I like how the teachers don’t look like, ya know super young and childlike. No their teacher looks like an adult and you can tell she’s one compared to the teenagers. I really like that. I’m curious if we will see other staff members of this school but it’s hard to say if we will or won’t right now.

-I wonder how big this academy is? The dorms appear to be at least a few blocks away from the school itself judging by when Karen and Mahiru leave in the morning and when they show Hikari where the dorms are. It’s not as wild as Ohtori’s design but I want to see more of this campus for sure.

-The musical part sounded good BUT it was really hard to hear over the fucking giraffe talking. I’m gonna assume this won’t happen next time cause Karen is in this shit now but it was a little annoying. I get why, had to explain shit, but I was like aw man when he was talking over the song.

-Hikari’s cape is blue while everyone else's is red. Interesting. SYMBOLISM?

-I’ve seen some people say “oh this is an idol anime?” no. No it isn’t. The girls aren’t idols, they are stage theater performers. I can’t say I’ve seen a ton of idol anime but no this ain’t an idol anime. And just because it has a game coming out for it doesn’t make it one either, if it did we should consider Fate/Stay Night one then lol.

-A Stage Girl eh? Hm, the fact that they are called something like this concerns me. Like it’s a mark of being fucked over like duelists in Utena are.

-There are flower petals all over the opening and the last shot of the opening is Karen and Hikari holding hands. Interestingggg.

-This show is hardcore using Utena as a basis and invoking Utena imagery, just look at the official art! The opening, the dueling outfits, the fact that dueling is occurring and how they are won, the title cards, the transformation parts, the flowers (what kind of flowers I dunno), the tower, even the god damn title all invoke Utena imagery. I’m hoping this means we are going to good places.

>Gogai! Gogai! Speculation and Questions time!

-So this is a school that's there to recruit girls for a very specific dancing group which appears to be named after a, I assume, tragic play. And the recruitment process is done in an underground stage and it appears this class and solely this class have been chosen for this audition. I don’t know about all of you, but this sounds awful ritualistic and just plain fishy to me. There's something wrong with this group, or whoever is running the group behind the scenes. At least it feels that way.

-This series could be a metaphor/symbolic for two things, it could either be about the competitive nature of stage theater and how it can make or break relationships we have with each other. Or, if they are going deeper than that, it’s about all the struggles of those who do theater professionally/want to do it and everything that comes with it including exploitation, being overworked, sacrificing relationships, and, if they really are going for it, homophobia. It will really depend how much creative freedom is here. I’ll talk about that a bit more later.

-There MIGHT be a deeper reason to why Hikari left Japan all that time ago. To chase her dreams? Something darker? Is there more to the Tokyo Tower beyond them just getting barrettes together? Why the dream sequence at the start? Was there a falling out there? Too little to go off of just yet.

-So, this is the 99th class right. The first years below them are 100th then. Does, that indicate anything? Why was this particular class chosen and why now? Unless this happens every year to the second years? Many questions.

>But is this really such a good idea?

This anime shows A LOT of promise, I haven’t been this excited for a new anime in a long time like I said in the prelude. However, I’m worried that my gut feeling is wrong. It’s mostly cause of who produces this series. I’ll explain my two big concerns here.

-Revue Starlight looks A LOT like an Ikuhara work, that is for sure. But, is it going to talk the talk if it’s walking the walk? Will this just look like an Ikuhara thing and not commit storywise? I’m not expecting Utena levels of greatness or discussion here, I just feel if you are gonna imitate Ikuhara you need to have something to say. But, what is allowed to be said is unknown here. You see, like I said in the prelude, Bushiroad has its hands in this project. These are the guys that have made Love Live and Bandori, their usual target demographic is male otaku that want to imagine themselves in relationships with fictional girls and buy all the merch and blu rays. This begs the question, is the Revue Starlight anime going for that crowd? 

It’s not airing at “Otaku O Clock”, which is a time period late at night that specifically airs shows for male otaku (RS airs around 4/5pm btw). But that doesn’t mean it won’t be an issue nor does it say what the target demographic is. Revue Starlight is going to be a multimedia project, it has an rpg mobile game planned, as well as a stage musical. So that begs the question, how much creative freedom is here with the anime? Will it be limited because they want to appeal to and not upset the male otaku? If so that might prevent this series from being more than just a superficial Ikuhara look alike. However, Bushiroad has also produced Watamote which is a jab at socially awkward otaku but Watamote wasn’t gonna be a multimedia project so. I dunno if that should indicate anything at all.

-Even though I’ve been referring to the girls in this show having romantic feelings for each other, the other thing I worry about is the use of lesbians/wlw here. You see, shows like Love Live and Bandori don’t have a whole world inhabited by girls for no reason. Having little to no male characters in these types of shows is so there isn’t anyone to get in the way of the entitled male otaku’s fancys of being in a relationship with one of the girls. In turn, any and all gay romantic tension in these shows aren’t for the girls benefits nor are they for any queer person watching, it’s so the entitled male otaku don’t feel threatened and for any yuri fans. 

In these shows, there will never be a canon gay couple or even any girl that will admit that she’s gay. Most will call this queerbaiting but that would imply that this is for any queer people, cause it isn’t aiming to bait queer folks. So I’ll refer to it as Yuri Baiting, sure the girls can flirt with each other and “act” gay towards each other but nothing will ever come of it! As a gay lady myself, it’s frustrating to watch. Love Live is annoying enough with it but Bandori, oh man. It hangs around the borders of committing but it just doesn’t, legit theres a character flirting with every girl she sees and she’s pretty much all but gay without saying anything but they never will say as such! Despite me being a fan of both these series, I really really hate seeing this.

Now I’m gonna clarify what I mean by committing, I don’t mean that the characters have to kiss or even be like “THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND”, you can have gay characters without them ever declaring themselves as such. Utena is a great example of that, Anthy and Utena fall in love with each other and even though they don’t kiss in the show (beyond a frame in the second ending credits) you can tell that’s what's going on via the language of visual storytelling. Granted Utena made this even more obvious in the movie where they do kiss, hell it’s one of the last shots at the end! Another example is with Haruka and Michiru, they don’t really like say they are together romantically but you can tell they are via how they are shown interacting with each other and how other characters see them and comment on it. You can do this without even saying the word lesbian! Hell even before Ruby and Sapphire of Steven Universe got married you can tell from the moment we meet them they are very obviously a romantic couple. In the same vein, you can tell Pearl was romantically in love with Rose from Rose’s Scabbard (and even before that) onwards. In Legend of Korra, reading Asami and Korra’s interactions as romantic is very much the correct read because they become the official couple at the end even if it’s never said within the tv show. I haven’t seen Yuri on Ice but my understanding is Victor and Yuri, while canon, also shows they are romantically into each other via visuals. Visual storytelling is useful like that!

Hence you can tell in things like Love Live that it isn’t going to do that, I’m using Love Live as an example cause it’s so fucking clear it’s Yuri Baiting that you can’t fucking miss it. This is super 1000 times more obvious in the mobile game where, sometimes the girl on your screen will hit on you or flirt with you (please stop I am 26 YEARS OLD). And while yes, in universe the player is another student at the all girls school but that doesn’t matter. Their dialogue is directed to the person playing and when the target audience is male otaku well, that is who they are really speaking to.

Gdi one time Riko, one of the girls in Love Live, blatantly buys yuri doujin/manga but does that mean anything? Nopeeee! AND, the same anime has probably one of the biggest examples of Yuri Bait in this particular series! There’s an episode of the anime Love Live Sunshine where Chika and Riko are standing by a beach, looking in each others eyes and holding hands and the sun slowly comes up all romantic looking and the music swells and Riko tells Chika “I love you.” and that’s where this episode ends. Now you’d think this would go somewhere, but NOPE. No it sure fucking doesn’t! It’s never fucking mentioned again. When I first saw the ep I was like “Fucking christ this isn’t gonna go anywhere isn’t it.” and ta dah I was right! Cause fuck you if you think they’d ever commit to anything that isn’t pandering to their shit tier demographic and anyone who is queer can go fuck themselves cause all we are seen by these people is fetish bullshit that fucking hates you and fucking christ I’m SO TIRED OF THIS SHIT! AaaaaaaAAAAHHH!

This Chu Chu is here to prevent me from ranting too much about off topic stuff. Please stand by as I scream into a corner.

Ok. I’m good now. Ok. Sorry about that.

I could go on but I won’t. My point being here is I’m worried that the Revue Starlight anime will backflip into this direction. If it does then any and all romantic looking interactions are a fucking lie and fuck you if you think it’s anything else but fetish pandering. I’m hoping it doesn’t do that in this anime, but it’s hard to tell at this point. So I have this fear anyways. I am hoping I’m concerned for nothing, I really am.

>Starlight, Starbright?

So, after all this I am left to wonder if my good feeling about this show is correct. I’m either right or the visuals are tricking me and this show is either really mediocre at best or outright bad. Right now, concerns aside, this show feels very very promising. The fact I’m able to write this much about it is a good sign to me. 

Well, that’s all for now! I promise the next post won’t be as long, or at least I’m thinking so but who knows? Thanks for reading!

Meet you back on the stage for episode 2!

[erinmason-blog]

An Exploration of the Relationship Between Major Studios and the Arthouse Moviegoing Experience

While learning about the inner-workings of the independent cinema industry over the course of the semester, I have taken an interest in class discussions and coursework related to arthouse theaters, their history, and what sets them apart from commercial theaters. During the spring 2020 semester, I was a part of the Stonehill in the City program in Los Angeles where I interned for the In-Theater Marketing Department at Paramount Pictures (during my time spent in CA from January to March.) The In-Theater Marketing team primarily manages the promotion of new films within the theater environment (through the implementation of physical displays, trailer spaces during movie previews, and promotional offers and events,) elements related to the consumer’s movie-going experience, and correspondence between theaters and the studio.

In my research, I aim to explore the relationship between major studios, such as Paramount, and the arthouse moviegoing experience. This blog will investigate a general history of arthouse film exhibitors, how independent titles and theaters fit into mainstream entertainment, and insight into the link between studios and in-theater moviegoing from the perspective of Juliet Conroy, my former supervisor at Paramount, and from my personal experiences. I had the opportunity to interview Juliet over the phone, and she was also able to detail how the experience of physically going to the movie theater has permanently shifted due to COVID, and how the pandemic has impacted the status of both corporate and independent exhibitors.)

Digital Cinema Initiatives: An Example of the Relationship Between Major Studios & Exhibitors

Because a significant part of the consumer appeal to pursuing the arthouse theater experience is nostalgia, maintaining tradition, and breaking away from the hyper commercialized, digitized climate in which modern entertainment often lives, independent theaters frequently struggle to compete with larger corporate and franchise competitors. In a 2012 study conducted by Lisa Dombrowski, a Film Studies professional based at Wesleyan University, she analyzes the backgrounds of various Miami-area arthouse theaters, focusing on a “two-tiered exhibition sector: DCI-compliant art cinemas able to screen studio fare and potentially compete with commercial multiplexes vs. non-DCI-compliant art cinemas that are unable to digitally screen studio-affiliated films and thus focus on more independent or alternative programming.” DCI stands for “Digital Cinema Initiatives” and refers to an organization comprised of seven major film studios (MGM, Paramount Pictures, Sony Pictures Entertainment, 20th Century Fox, Universal Studios, The Walt Disney Company, and Warner Bros) that was established in 2002 to regulate the uniformity and quality of film exhibition in theater spaces. This organization is a key element of the connection between major studios and arthouse film exhibitors, as it has set an industry standard that needs to be met by any theater owners who wish to have the freedom to show potentially lucrative blockbuster titles. It is vital that arthouse theaters have the option to offer more mainstream titles to audiences, as a balance between niche programming and popular pictures is typically what creates the space for them to set themselves apart while financially staying afloat.

Following the annual state of the industry address delivered by John Fithian, the President of the National Association of Theater Owners, at the CinemaCon convention in May of 2011, Dombrowski summarizes that “while a predominantly digital future gets closer for exhibitors of all kinds, the motivation, means, and models for the arrival of digital projection in first-run commercial cinemas are distinctly different than those for art houses.” This creates a point of contention for arthouse cinemas, as “issues of access and programming flexibility inspire the art house drive to digital, while the financial challenges inherent to conversion have led to a much wider range of options regarding how digital copies of films will be distributed and exhibited.” This desperation to experiment with adapting more antiquated methods of showing film is “driven by the major studios’ desire to reduce the cost of printing and shipping film, the appeal of new 3D technology, and the promise of superior image quality without print degeneration,” as corporate theater chains have more economic and technological flexibility than independently run arts institutions.

When faced with such a predicament, several of the Miami area arthouse cinemas featured in Dombrowski’s study pursued creative options to remain open and in healthy competition with commercial exhibitors. Some have sought out strategies like including both “non-filmic ‘alternative content’, such as live music performances, sports, opera, theater, and ballet” and films shown on both 35mm and digital on their theater calendar. According to Ira Deutchman, the co-founder of Emerging Pictures (a digital theater network,) “It’s gotten easier convincing the art houses that they need digital. At the beginning it was like pulling teeth. Art houses are now sizing up when and how, not if.” Although undergoing the transition to install DCI-compliant entertainment systems is often a financial burden for independently run theaters, it ultimately allows for more effective discourse between struggling arthouse cinemas and major studios (and therefore, allows for them to thrive when faced with corporate competitors.) The establishment of DCI standards has also led to the growth of “larger commercial art house chains, such as Landmark Theaters, Sundance Cinemas, City Cinemas, Laemmle Theatres, and Alamo Drafthouse Cinemas” because they “rely on films from the major studio affiliates” whilst offering more streamlined, specialized content for niche demographics that prefer the arthouse movie-going experience.

The frequency and lower price range with which independent film titles are released on digital (as opposed to the traditional format of 35mm film) is another convenient allure for arthouse cinemas to make the switch. This flexibility gives them the freedom to “more easily hold onto a film for several weeks and build an audience or roll it out in any number of release patterns” so they can “help operators to nimbly take advantage of unanticipated crowd-pleasers” (and therefore, avoid being cornered into making potentially inaccurate guesses about projected revenue.) Joining the majority of theaters (both arthouse and commercial) in exhibiting films on digital also allows for independently run arthouse cinemas to welcome more programming opportunities, “for example, one hundred art theaters around the country might premiere a film on the same night, and all link up via satellite or Skype for a Q & A with the film’s director afterwards.” Overall, although the establishment of DCI standards is costly and has hindered the ability of some arthouse cinema directors to maintain the implementation of traditional film exhibition methods, in the long run, the standards will hopefully aid in fostering a more inclusive and less monopolized environment within the movie-going industry. Possessing DCI-compliant equipment is the key to upholding the studio-exhibitor relationship.

Perspective from Working at a Major Studio

Last week, I had the opportunity to speak with Juliet Conroy, the Director of Material Logistics in the In-Theater Marketing Department at Paramount Pictures (and my former internship supervisor.) It was really engaging to hear about her personal experiences and the experiences of her colleagues related to the comparison of smaller indie exhibitors to larger corporate exhibitors, how major studios are connected to the cultivation of the consumer’s movie-going experience, and how COVID has affected (and will forever change) the tradition of film exhibition. I was also interested in hearing how so much of her professional involvement is directly relevant to subjects that have been touched upon in our study of independent cinema throughout the semester.

According to Juliet, the studio has more limited contact with specifically indie exhibitors; however, they work directly with franchise arthouse cinemas such as Alamo Drafthouse. These chain arthouse theaters are smaller so they are more flexible and can cater to a more specific audience; however, they are private, so they have more limited opportunity for income from stockholders. A major issue being faced by independent theaters is the financial burden of continuing to pay for rent whilst unable to open at a high enough capacity to generate a sustainable income. Because theaters are technically allowed to reopen, landlords and corporate real estate companies that rent space in expensive areas often immediately demand rent payments, even if theater owners choose not to instantaneously reopen. Juliet lives in Culver City, a more residential neighborhood within Los Angeles, and she says many arthouse-type theaters have been driven out of the area because rent has been driven up since companies like Amazon, Apple, and Sony have moved in.

Larger, corporate theater companies also struggled during the pandemic, as AMC experienced a spike in stockholders that narrowly saved them from filing for bankruptcy. Both independent and corporate theaters were forced to find creative ways to bring in audiences when studios weren’t comfortable debuting major titles. Some theaters introduced promotions in which they customized some screenings to more specific audiences, and major studios began selling them repertory titles (such as successful classics and horror films.) Additionally, some theaters (such as the infamous Arclight Hollywood) owed too many studios money for titles and could not keep up with the accumulation of costs (and were unfortunately faced with too much debt to remain open.)

Juliet is confident that major studios are “never going to have this opportunity to change the way business is done” again – “it’s time for studios to rethink how they want to spend their marketing dollars, inside the theater and outside the theater, and whatever makes it most worthwhile.” This unique opportunity to restructure the movie-going experience has cultivated an environment in which streaming and in-person entertainment can begin to coexist more harmoniously. Typically, lower-rated films peter out quickly, and more successful blockbusters live in theaters for about 90 days. Now, following a Viacom shareholder meeting, Paramount officially plans to select certain titles (that are predicted to be successful and draw consumers) to live in theaters for 45 days and then be introduced to streaming. Soon after, Warner Bros. announced a similar plan for their 2022 release calendar.

Recently, Paramount introduced their own streaming service, Paramount Plus. Juliet claims that the introduction of the streaming service has not really affected her department, and from her perspective, the studio created the platform with the intention of having more flexibility with releases in the future. She says the studio is not typically exclusive with their content (like Disney Plus and HBO Max,) but rather, they evaluate each release on a case-by-case basis and “always do what’s best for the studio and the fans.” For example, recently, Paramount sold off titles like Billie Holiday to Hulu and Coming 2 America to Amazon.

In the last few weekends, box office numbers have been significantly higher, and for the first time, the numbers are comparable to the weekend prior to the commencement of COVID shutdown. Godzilla vs. Kong has been doing notably well as one of the first major films to exclusively debut in theaters since COVID affected the industry. Juliet says “there’s still a want to have the shared experience of watching the big screen,” so despite the obvious spike in popularity of streaming services over the past year, as more reliable safety protocols for theater cleaning, keeping customers and employees safe, and increasing public comfort have been developed, we will begin seeing major titles be debuted in titles again this summer. Juliet explained that as of right now, after Memorial Day weekend, every weekend of the summer has a major title scheduled to debut in theaters. She also disclosed that Disney keeps shifting the opening dates for their titles, which creates a domino effect in which other studios question their decision to debut their major titles and then shift their opening dates. Paramount is opening A Quiet Place 2 in theaters on Memorial Day weekend after it was originally supposed to debut in March of 2020, as the studio hopes to maximize the potential income from the film franchise and make a notable comeback as COVID restrictions are more drastically lifted.

Overall, after considering some of the ways in which major studios are tied to both independent and corporate exhibitors, it is evident that flexibility and creativity between both parties is necessary to the existence of the movie-going experience. As pandemic restrictions are gradually adjusted, vaccine numbers increase, and audiences decide to take advantage of our return to “normal,” we will see that no matter how convenient and accessible streaming content is, consumers will always return to traditional movie-going.

Sources

Dombrowski, Lisa. “Not If, But When and How: Digital Comes to the American Art House.” Film History, vol. 24, no. 2, 2012, pp. 235–248. JSTOR.

Zhen-Song Wang et al., "A Digital Cinema Playback system compliant with the DCI specification," 2009 Picture Coding Symposium, 2009, pp. 1-4.

Symeou, Pavlos C., et al. “Cultural Agenda Setting and the Role of Critics: An Empirical Examination in the Market for Art-House Films.” Communication Research, vol. 42, no. 5, July 2015, pp. 732–754.

https://www.indiewire.com/2020/03/quiet-place-part-2-first-reviews-reactions-1202215892/

https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/godzilla-vs-kong-movie-review-2021

https://www.cnbc.com/2021/05/07/amc-ceo-adam-aron-raved-about-its-reddit-investors-on-an-earnings-call.html

https://www.theverge.com/2021/2/24/22299615/paramount-plus-launch-date-price-cbs-all-access-shows-movies

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/movie-theaters-covid-reopening-attendance-questions/

https://www.verywellhealth.com/movie-theater-covid-fully-vaccinated-5120468

[metalgearkong]

Justice League - Review

11/30/17

Directed by Zack Snyder & Joss Whedon

Justice League is the long awaited team up of DC super heroes much like Marvel’s Avengers. You would think with these larger than life characters, who hold so much value, and who are so treasured in today’s culture, would be treated with the utmost care. Unfortunately, Warner Bros and the director have been trying to shove this version of DC super heroes down our throats, and it hasn’t been working since inception. Justice League does not change this, and sadly, continues the trend of limp, tonally confusing, structurally failing qualities of the DC Extended Universe.

After the death of Superman at the end of Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, Batman (Ben Affleck) tries to pull a team together due to his ominous vision of an apocalyptic invasion. Having already shaken hands with Diana Price (Gal Gadot), Bruce Wayne sets out to recruit other “meta humans” towards his cause. The movie consists of several rushed events introducing such large characters as Aquaman (Jason Mamoa), The Flash (Ezra Miller), and Cyborg (Ray Fisher), all in the first act. Cyborg’s story is easily the most tragic, and we sadly get very little development time with him. The Flash is going to be a lot of people’s favorites, even if Warner Bros aren’t using the same Flash as from the very popular TV show. Aquaman is probably the most epic person to introduce and he gets shockingly little background as well.

Warner Bros infamously mandated that Justice League be within 2 hours of running time, so its easy to see why the film feels like there’s a lot missing. This is one of the worst types of films to limit, as it has so much going on and so many characters. Warner Bros thought this would be a smart move because the feedback they got from Batman V Superman was that it is too long; but of course, the big company was wrong, and Justice League movie suffers for it. The villain Steppenwolf (Ciara Hinds) is one of the most forgettable and badly defined villains in all of comic book film history. Not only is he just a big guy with horns who wants to destroy the world 3 magic macguffins, he’s made entirely in dated CGI. Nothing is unique or memorable about him, and when your opposing force in a comic book movie is this bland, the action and the narrative suffer greatly.

I still believe Batfleck is one of the better parts about these movies. I’m all for a darker, more violent, tenured Batman, as this character changes with the times, and has no one set personality or belief systems (in spite of what many people might say). I am more than ready for the Matt Reeves “The Batman” film in a few years. Gal Godot as Wonder Woman is also one of the best aspects about this movie, as we all already expected. She’s still not quite a top tier hero in the entire pantheon of film, but she certainly is the easiest to root for and care about. The only problem with her is how her powers and limitations are slightly undefined, as sometimes she’s as fast as the Flash or as strong as Superman, whenever convenient for any given scene.

Something that is a surprise to absolutely no one is that Superman (Henry Cavill) returns. This potentially epic and emotional plot point is lead up to with very little gravitas. We all knew Superman wouldn’t stay dead for long when he “died” at the end of Batman V Superman, so this entire song and dance has been completely pointless and a waste of time. The very way they brought him back was rushed, confusing, lazy, and made no logical sense. But, DC was hearing fan criticism, and gave Superman a slightly more friendly personality, and the color on his suit (and other character’s suits) is obviously toned up for a more vibrant visual experience. Once he was alive, he’s more warm than he has been thus far.

There are rare moments which invested me in this movie. Although Superman’s return was limp and lame, when he started laying some punches on the invincible Steppenwolf I did get a tiny inner moment of glee. We got to see the bright red and blues of Superman punching down a big spiky supervillain  The Flash had a few funny moments, but the humor was overplayed a bit too much. Aquaman sadly is a non-element in this film, further proof that each and every one of these super heroes needed their own solo film before this big team-up movie. Not only is the concept rushed, the CGI in most instances looks unfinished, unpolished, and is used way too often as a crutch. The result is a movie that very blatantly was mostly shot on a green screen, and shows a lack of care and craft behind the scenes. Cyborg in particular has a physically uninspired design and the CGI on him is deep within the uncanny valley.

The only other small thing I liked about this movie is how Danny Elfman provided the musical score of the film, and there are small hints at the classic 1989 Batman theme, and John William’s theme for the original Superman movie. I want more of this. I want more iconic music to support the characters and emotion. I can only pray these musical themes are used more in the future films. Ironically, a small section of the Superman theme is when Superman has just been resurrected and is confused and is briefly “evil.” I liked this part because it showed how compelling he could be as a villain. It was the only subversive moment in the film and my imagination couldn’t help but wonder how cool it would be for the team to have to work together to defeat Superman, return him to normal, and then team up with him against the greater threat.

As Wonder Woman says to Batman “I think all this time I’ve been reacting, not leading.” This, to me, is a line written by Joss Whedon and is meant to be self-aware as it comes to the rivalry between the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the DC Extended Universe. This is the most positive and professional spin I can imagine someone with respect for the franchise admitting to DC’s struggle to be of relevance compared to Marvel’s films. Justice League is a premature, half-baked, desperate attempt for DC to capture the magic from the Avengers, and unfortunately it doesn't have the guts to rise above mediocrity. A few small good details don’t save this movie.

5/10